God Awful Movies - 387: I Can't Breathe

Episode Date: January 17, 2023

This week, the guys get together for an atheist review of I Can't Breathe (God Forgive Them), the first movie brave enough to examine the systemic police oppression of upper class, cishet, Christian white men. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

And this is one of these stupid fucking moments where the guy who is a church going Christ believe in crucifix wearing guy who's a entire fucking childhood home is just filled with Bible quotes and Jesus knickknacks decides to become a Christian. Yep. Right. And also he's like everyone who ever starts reading a Bible in a fucking Christian movie He starts in like Psalms some way up just right in the middle Just looking through okay Jewish Jewish Jewish Jewish

Here we go Not awful movie Ooby, Ooby, Ooby! Ooby! Ooby! Ooby! Ooby! Ooby! Ooby! Ooby! Welcome back to The Gamecast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, so that we'll welcome death when it comes. I'm your host, Noah Luzon, since I'm 700 most of my media left.

It's my good friend Heath, and right, Heath, welcome back! Nothing happens in the movie, Noah. Hey, hey, hey, hey! They forgot to do their movie that they set up, whatever they start, they remembered the first act. Yes. And then after that, yeah, we're gonna talk about them forgetting. Yes. That's an 900 mouse in my North East is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you? This fine afternoon, sir. I am incredible, Noah. I have discovered your cousin who won't stop talking about his whiplash the movie.

Well, you remember my car accident in 2007 that God wilt about the goddamn fucking car accident. They couldn't diagnose it. No, I know. I know. I told the story a number of two exotic whiplash. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today?

We watched. I can't breathe, God forgive them. It's actually a fascinating look at the George Floyd story, but with a race reversal that really makes you think, you know, how would that go if it was a white guy? Also, it's not at all about George Floyd. I don't know. You sure as to how you got there. I think you read, I can't breathe the half title and make the association and that's it.

Yeah. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you found yourself shocked as the American Christian persecution complex seems to have no bounds, but you'd like to hold their beer while they crawl under the bar of the amazing scene. You will love this movie. All right. So, and of course, follow up on what Heath was just saying that I think it's necessary for the folks that maybe heard last week's What's on Deck. How bad was your description of this movie last week? Okay. Okay. Let me be clear. When I looked at the

description, I thought this was a police brutality from the cops' perspective movie. It is not. It's a white Christian guy going, wow, this time of generational upheaval and reckoning about the brutal execution of men of color with no trial is an excellent chance for me

to talk about my invisible friends. Yes, yes. All right, yes. So in Eli's defense, we should point out that this movie's marketing goes out of its way to make you think it's about George Floyd. Right? You know how like after Jennifer Aniston got big,

they re-released Leprechaun, but with her on the cover? It's like that, but for institutionalized state violence against minorities. Yes. Oh, so a institutionalized state violence against minorities. Yes. So a lot like leprechaun. Actually, now that you mentioned it, yeah. It reminds me the movie. And is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at?

Yeah, I'm going to go with best worst stuff on the walls and just like in the sets that they're trying to set up. They have no idea what any room is. Everything exists in like the mid 80s in terms of houses and offices. There's crazy things on the walls. There's actually a bunch of that like Michael's art bullshit on the walls. It's like they heard us making fun of that a few times recently and they're like, oh, yeah, fuck you. The whole set is just live. Left, love, pray, Jesus God,

in like puzzle pieces on walls. Your notes were fascinating. I missed a lot of that stuff. And perhaps it was because I was focused on mine. I'm going with best worst necktie. Yup, holy fucking shit. And nobody acknowledges it. It just hangs there in the middle of the movie as though it's a normal thing that a human would wear.

If there was a penis hanging from this man's neck, less weird. A severed penis with a man behind him clutching his now-desecrated groin. Well, that would all make sense in like the reason for the movie. Exactly. A telecohease of story. I'm like this fucking time. We'll get there. It's jarring. And I, of course, I'm going to go with best worst post movie interview. Yes, listen, folks. I know there are some of you out there who watch these with us. And hey, this one's only 60 minutes. So definitely worth thinking your time into 65 if you count the interview. Yeah, you are going to want to wait for the ending where, well, you know, I'll,

I'll leave. We'll get to it when we get to it. Just, just trust me. Wait for the ending. Yeah. And don't worry about missing it. Listener, there are zero seconds of credits before the post credit scene starts, right? Like it is directly connected to the final scene of the movie, which doesn't seem like the final scene of a movie. So yeah. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, this is a movie about police brutality against a douchey Christian day trader who can't stop bragging about how good he is at martial arts. So that's my other best, best, best, best is when he does that. Yeah, so I feel like we're going to need to second to sort out our sympathies on this one,

but we're going to be back in the flash with all the sub cinematic action of. I can't breathe. I'm Heathendrite. I'm no illusions and I'm Eli Bostnik. You've been listening to our shows for a while. You know that Eli here is not the best with money. I mean, how was I supposed to know that NFTs weren't the museum of the future? Exactly.

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That's right. And Eli is just one of the over three million people that have used rocket money saving the average person up to $720 a year. Yeah, that's almost half of what Eli lost on Bitcoin last year. Hey, yeah almost you only invested a small amount. Stop throwing your money away. Ketzel unwanted subscriptions and manager expenses the easy way by going to rocket money.com slash awful movies. That's rocket money.com slash Money.com slash Awful Movies. That's RocketMoney.com slash Awful Movies. RocketMoney.com slash Awful Movies. RocketMoney, whenever I try to buy something on the bounce, it just doesn't. Nope, no, it does not. Tom, Tom, get in here. Hey, yes, what is it, my wife? Have you seen this terrible murder on the news?

Oh, yeah, what happened? Well, thanks to the invention and common disbursements of cell phone cameras were once again witnessing the execution of unarmed black men. Whoa, I know. What a fantastic opportunity for white people to examine a privilege and and and own the ways in which a violent police state has been used to oppress people of color in our country. Yeah, absolutely. Or... This is not the kind of thing you want to respond to with or... Or...

Is it a chance to talk about how I found Jesus more extra? No, no, it is literally the worst time for you to talk about it. Oh, come on, honey, what are you talking about? Look at that. Their signs say I can't breathe and I couldn't breathe when those police officers killed me. It's so not to time. Oh, but not just that. I think it can also talk about my real trial, my testicular cancer.

Oh, so now it's literally just about you. It sure is. People will finally hear my story and my truth because I think we can all agree. You're too good at karate to have tried to fight those cops. I'm too good at karate to have tried to fight those cops exactly. Okay. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open on some excerpts from a court document.

This is where we all first lately slowly start to realize that this movie has nothing to do with George Floyd. Yeah, no, does not. And we get the thing that movies do where it's like the following is taken from actual court documents and it's like being typed out on the screen. Why do all movies do this? Why is that happening on a typewriter in whatever movie universe? You think if they do it on a computer now? It's in the Tickle Sling. No, no, no. Well, it's Florida. So yeah, who knows? I was going to say, explains how good they are at solving murders.

Yeah, right, right. But yeah, no, and then the whole movie is like, I know we misled you to get here. We're not going to explain the title, but this is not a story about George Floyd. It's a white guy. It's a story about a white guy. But it is. It is a story about a guy who said, I can't breathe. Yeah. Once. Oh, imagine the balls on a person to be like,

we need to tell my white guy story of police brutality. That's what we're watching. Right. Yes. That wasn't a testicular cancer joke, by the way. That's what we're watching. Right, yes. That wasn't a testicular cancer joke, by the way. I know if you've watched the movie, the Heath was just a phrase that Heath uses. He's gonna get cancer later.

It's gonna be crazy. He is gonna get fall cancer. I hope he dies. And then we cut from, it's just weird, because it's like, you know, this man died and they wouldn't let the ambulance in and blowbond it was very, you know, police man died and they wouldn't let the ambulance in and blow one. It was very out of, you know, police brutality. And then we immediately cut to like these establishing upbeat shots of like, live in the

high life in Miami. Yes. It's so jarring this switcheroo, because it's like, I can't breathe. I'm Dice. Welcome to the movie pool. I'm Dice. Beautiful sight to Miami Beach. Yeah.

Oh, God, I love cheap credits so much. I love it when the movie is so cheap that you look at the credits and you're like, Oh, this is how bad they are at putting words over the images. This boat's well. We also learned here that this movie was produced and written by the guy it's based on. So we're like, oh, it's gonna be very objective. The best of films, the best of films. We also learn that Kevin Sorbo is gonna be in it.

Yeah. Which is very exciting. Sure, well. And terrifying. Bringing some star power to this thing. Right, exactly. To be clear, just for some context, Kevin Sorbo, I think finance this thing kind of like somehow got a letter from this guy and like decided to make his

story into a movie. So just keep that in mind, Kevin. This is the brainchild somewhat of Kevin Sorbo telling the story of the white guy and his problem with the police of let there be light fame. Yes. So yeah. And the narrator cuts it. The narration on this was a great, like a best worst contender, right? Because the narrator in this movie is like, you're watching a movie with an annoying guy who really likes that movie and he keeps saying shit, like, watch this part up here. Like, what do you think I was going to fucking do with this part of it? That's the narrator in this fucking movie. Wait, I was just going to listen this part. You say I watched it. Yeah, right.

I watched it. So the narrator comes in and he's like, you know, testing your faith is super duper important. The Bible is full of very moral stories that make that point, you know, like Abraham being told the murderous son or Joseph being sold into slavery. Those are his examples. Yeah. Yikes. Those classic good stories that everyone agrees are not problems with this movie.

Right. And of course, as the narrator saying this, we're watching him flirt with beautiful women and drink alcohol at a bar. Okay. Almost my best worst, but it's just so many movies that we do can't get this shit right. The bartender gave one of these women. I'm saying woman, that's being just thank you. Yeah, those 14. There's a very clearly. Thank you. One is a child, the next to him. Yeah. The bartender gave this child a three foot long straw for a

rocks glass drink. and sticking it like Three quarters of the thing is sticking out of the glass and She tries to drink out of it and actually Oaks herself in the eye because yeah, it's like a three foot long straw and they had to cut All right, so then we cut from that we We cut to these three cops watching security footage. Right now, this is gonna be officer murder and it's two lackeys. Yeah. And I love the room that they're in a smoke filled

even though nobody's smoking. It's just like this problem with this room. Probably have smoke in it. It would be ominous, right? Yeah, and so Tom, who this movie is about, Tom imagines that there were three police officers just sitting around watching a security camera waiting for a crime to happen. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we'll learn eventually that these guys are on stake out because there's

like a known burglar in the area that he lives in, right? So, but what we're going to learn with this scene more and most importantly is that the boss cop, the main cop, this is Kalmas, is an evil cop who hates everybody and probably smells funny, right? He's biased against white people and we're going to learn rich people. Yeah, and Yankees and people from the North, right? Because he says at this point, it's like, it's like we've been invaded from the North. And then he looks at his, his Hispanic partner and says, and the South officer, Ramirez. Somebody's doing the raping, right? Right. Ramirez typical. So you're a rapist. All right. So then we cut to Tom's house. His dad and his

kid brother are arriving from New York. They're going to wander into the house and never turn on the goddamn lights. Thank you. What happened? They do this a bunch in the movie. Yeah. They have lights and then they don't use them. I assumed that there was going to be some kind of like the cops are going to bust in and because the lights weren't on, they weren't going to know. I thought that this was going to somehow factor into the plot, but no, no, it serves no purpose other than maybe they don't know how to light stuff without like getting a glow on the guy's head or something. No, I seriously, I was like, oh, some surprise thing must be about to happen because it's completely dark in here. But then old guys just like having trouble walking through the dark set and he's like,

okay, let's have a seat over here by the large tape X. I can't find it. No, I'm on this one. You sit there. Oh, yes. Here is a reasonably priced way to small picture frame to establish that I have been in this building before. Right. Yeah. So, okay. So, yeah, so they sit down at the table in the fucking dark.

The old man notices that there's some suspicious paperwork laid out in the table. We'll get back to that. But before we do, we have to cut back to the cops. Boss cop, the murder cop goes for a shit, right? And while he's gone, the other two make small talk about how, you know, excessively forcefully he is and how he's liable to murder a suspect in any minute. Yeah. One of the actors learned the hand gesture of like handing someone a plate that morning and uses it every four seconds to mean words, right?

It'll be like, everyone always says he treats everyone the gesture. Same. Sorry. Are you like, are you giving me a plate? What's happening? Gesture. Well, yeah, the only way his gesticulations make any sense is if this guy's like personnel report was written on a great marquee in front of him,

right? Yeah, because he's talking about, he's like, you know, I saw his psych report and it said he was like crazy and liable to murder motherfucker, but he'll like, he'll like hold up his hands as though it's like his name and lights. You know, I don't know what the fuck he was going for. I also love that like nine seconds later, officer murder comes back from it. Shit. Anything happened in the last nine seconds?

I'm a very fast shir. What'd you guys say? I got so fast. The toilet paper just hanging out of his pictures or drops out of my ass at this point. I ever just like 11 or 12. I was at nine just now. What'd you guys talk about?

My rectum is like a sleeping woman's lips. What did you guys want? What are you talking about? Yes, it is. is like a sleeping woman's lips. What did you guys want? What are you talking about? Yes. Yes. All right. So then we cut back into the dark house. Tom has returned to now to his home.

He's brought a pizza. He also doesn't turn on the goddamn lights. The pizzas and witness protection. Yes. Yeah. It's from blank cardboard, pizza, Rhea, and wherever the fuck. I've literally never seen

a blank pizza box before they had to have made that just for this, right? Yeah, yeah, usually you'll get a misprint, I guess. It's got like a paper bag taped over it like your school textbooks back. Some of us could afford the nice book covers. It's not on really tomorrow. Yeah. Some of you, braggie, white privilege. So yeah, so I'm writing to my notes at this point, like, is one of them half magla, is that perhaps why? But yeah, so the dad's there and it turns out the reason dad and kid brother have flown

down is that Tom is a stock trader who has caught his partner doing something illegal and turned him into the SEC. Right? And dad wants him to not do that because he's making way too much money to threaten all of that just because of some pasky fraud. Yes. And we should point out that like everything else in this movie, this is just what Tom felt like, including in the story.

There will never be anything that like verifies that claim. In fact, the only thing we know for sure is that Tom got fired from that job. Right. So he has worked into the movie. Well, it was probably because I was catching my boss for fraud so much. Yeah. There's so much fraud. I was catching.

I have to imagine that there are all kind of potential lawsuits, defamation suits in this fucking movie. For sure. If anyone ever bothered to watch this besides us, Tom's going to go in a libel court for a while. Also, how does dad know any of this information? He's been in the house for like 10 seconds. And then he's like, I looked at the table of papers for 10 seconds and they say, you're doing fraud in big letters on the front stuff. Stop doing that.

Are you investigating my friend for doing fraud? Oh, and of course they're all yelling at each other and bad actors getting yelling is so much fun, right? Like, and these guys are so bad. I had a double check IMDB at this point to see if like the dad and the little brother were really his dad and little brother playing themselves, right? They weren't, but they're bad enough that you do. You felt the need to check. Oh, little miniature grunkowski for sure. I thought was actually Tom Larissa. Yeah. Oh man, when he starts, yeah, he is the worst yellow in a room full of bad yellows. Yeah. He has to work his way up to yelling. He's like, and I told you that

I said, no. Then he's got to like hit the brakes and slow himself down. Physically. Right. Right. Right. Wined it back down on the other end too. Yeah. No. And so Tom storms out angered by all the yelling for some fucking reason. They keep in the part where he has to go back in and grab his hoodie and then go back out again. I want, I thought he was going to grab the pizza for sure. And I was like, what the fuck? You show up.

It's three people. You bring one pizza. That's yours. That's for you to have that pizza. That's not enough for three people. Okay. You show up. It's three people. You bring one pizza. That's yours. That's for you to have that pizza. That's not enough for three people. Okay. You go back and you take that. But we do have to talk about how quickly he comes back in because he's like, it's like a typical dramatic scene. How dare you know how dare you and he's like, I'll be back in a second. I need to cool off a two Mississippi count later. He walks back in and he's like, hi, I'm back.

I thought the seat was over. Yeah, right. Well, any that he grabs his hoodie and wanders back off. Are you smoking a pipe? So, yeah, so he goes off on a, a huffy little walk or whatever. And his neighbor sees him like cut through his backyard and calls 911, right? The line that we get is like, do we see the neighbor at his phone and it's like 911? Is this an emergency?

He's like, yes, it's an emergency. I just saw someone in my backyard. My neighbor, Tom, he cut across at a very small angle, but like a good five, six feet was my backyard. Technically, this is, and I remember, he was wearing a hooded sweatshirt, a hooded sweatshirt. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So, okay, so he's off on his healthy walk. And while he's doing that, we flash back to Tom at work, confronting his boss about the fraud. Yeah. And I think it's really cool that Cecil got to be in a movie. Okay. I think that's really pretty accurate. The boss of this trading firm looks like the CEO of a duck hunting firm. More realistic. Well, so I feel bad now about my no use

that he looked like Cecil. And now I can't read my notes. Because I said he looks like everyone I've ever bought cocaine from out the back door of their minimum wage job. Yeah. Yeah. Google Cecil from Cogdice and tell me you aren't buying a little bit of gold. Yeah.

Okay. See, I said it's like a flashback of a younger, hip, or Santa Claus. Right. Okay. But yeah, so the argument they're having apparently is that Tom thinks that his boss is being deceptive and tricking wealthy Christians into investing in a fund by pretending that it's way more Christian than it actually is. Oh, yeah.

Okay. That's confusing, though. So to be clear, that sounds like no, it's describing a church. Tom's not running a church. No, he's running a training operation. Well done, sir. And also, so throughout there, and they're having this yelling fight because we just had a yelling fight, what's better than following it up with another.

And through this fight for some fucking reason, the camera work is somewhere between Paul Greengrass and Paul Revere. It is jarring. Also, one little piece of my best worst on the wall of this investment firm. It's supposed to be in Miami, now or New York. Miami and Boca Raton. Okay. Regardless, an investment firm in a major city anywhere on the wall has multiple framed us maps like really big. Yeah. For no reason. Yeah. What's she? What? Where's Minnesota if the maps on the left side of the room? That question comes up awful. An awful lot.

Guys said it was stupid to put a giant thing on the wall with the left side of the room, that question comes up awful. An awful lot. Guys said it was stupid to put a giant thing on the wall with the map. And now we know why I did it. Minnesota is right here. And there's also this great fucking moment. And this I was so like when we went, it happened. All of us are just like, oh, please let this be presaging greater things, right? Because during the fight, the boss who is six feet taller than Tom, right?

The character playing Tom. Yep. It says, Hey, wait, are you going to hit me? Character who knows martial arts very well and wrote this movie. It's the good look, man. We all agree that your hands are lethal weapon. Okay. You are great at karate and I'm of intimidated by you.

Please don't not unhoster them on me. Whatever actions I take later in my life know that they stem from my deeper respect for your karate skills. I'm Cecil. So okay. So we back out of that flashback and we land on Tom at a little park, not sure what to do. He has the first of two amazing breaking down moments. This actor is not good enough to do. I almost went with best worst crying. Oh, yes. Because he, he is pretty sure it's just close your eyes and say the word haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa himself and then in the first of two moments where I thought maybe this movie was just fucking with me. The voice of God speaks to him. Yeah. And he screams out like God, why does this keep happening to me?

And so my first reaction was like this happened before what? This is happening all the time. Okay. Whatever. And then God comes in and God's voice is just like me with my pitch. This is having to you multiple times. Okay, whatever. And then God comes in and God's voice is just like me with my pitch down 10% from audacity editing's tool. And he's like ask your family to forgive you. Yeah.

No Morgan puts this much effort into God's voice as these guys did. Yes. And he's like Sarah Sarah, how can he Sanders? Yeah. But wait, it actually gets better because God says, go, Wes, you're dead and brother for forgiveness. And he says, they're supposed to forgive me. Yes, yes, yes. He's not at all surprised that God is speaking directly to him in the park. He's arguing with the mother fucker. It's it's so long and so much for the whole time I was like, please just a little

kid be like, Hey guy, hey guy playing over here. I'm on the miracle. What the fuck are you doing? And then so, okay, so he goes home, you know, to forgive his brother and his dad or whatever. And the cops pull up and the voice over cuts in to be like, that's weird. I've never seen police here before. What purpose do they think that that narration served in that moment? Okay. To be clear, he's had a playground. So he's a grown up who goes to the playground all the time and weeps all the time.

And there's never cops there. And now all of a sudden there's cops here. What the fuck is never come? Yeah, I better put that in the narration. Yeah, no, actually, so we should clarify too, because like he's screaming in the park, that would be a sensible time for cops to show up, right? There's a crazy guy screaming at God in the park. Or not screaming at this playground. Yeah. Well, right. But this is supposed to be after he's walked home, right? This, we're in his front yard at this point. So the cops escalate very quickly, right?

Because again, it's him writing the story. Now, I'm not going to say that, you know, cops didn't escalate very quickly. They very often do that and shit, but we're just getting his side of the story here, which we already know is kind of bullshitty to begin with. Thank you. Right. I, the biggest conflict I have in this film is I don't believe cops, but I definitely don't believe this guy but I definitely don't believe

this guy also also him. Yeah, it's all liars. It's just about who's lying a little bit more and then he give the moment. Yeah, it's the channels. It's all the way down. Yeah. Yeah. Because what happens is the cops are like, what are you doing here with a hoodie? They actually say that. And they give him like half a second and then they're like too slow, pepper spray. And then they pepper spray spray and allegedly 30 straight minutes just straight into his eyes. Yeah, just a fucking fireman's hose of pepper spray. Oh, so allegedly, according to this guy because he put it in his movie, they pants him. Yeah, so cops are like, let's beat him up in pepper spray and hold on.

Oh, I'm gonna pants up, dude. Just don't know. You little prank. Really, I'm gonna pan some, dude. Just don't, don't have to die. You little prank. We have fun. We have some fun. Which can I say kind of ruins the gravitas that he's going for in this movie is that every time we get a wide shot,

we see his fucking boxer briefs and his shorts around his ankles. Yeah, well, so, okay. So as near as we can tell, watching the movie, skeptically, what almost certainly happened is the cops were looking for some burglar that had been in that neighborhood. They started questioning him and he's like, how fucking dare you?

Question me in my own home and, you know, got all like snooty with them. The cops later said he went for their gun, probably did, you know, the guy can't stop talking about how many martial arts he knows, et cetera. So probably did probably did try to fight, the guy can't stop talking about how many martial arts he knows, et cetera. So probably did probably did try to fight back or something like that. And the cops freaked out and way overreacted the way cops did and sprayed the shit out of him with some pepper spray until he needed to be hospitalized, right? That's probably what actually happened.

Yeah. I have to clarify because of course the movie never will. No, and but I will say there's a good argument for that because even in his own movie where he choreographed it, he has himself reaching for the gun, right? Like there's not. Yes. If I were making a movie about how I didn't go for a cop's gun,

I would not have the actor playing me. Go for the cop's gun. Yeah, right. And keep in mind he's producing it, right? Right. He had some scene there on satin. He was like, and I obviously don't go for his gun and he was like, well, maybe you, maybe you slap it. Yes.

Yeah. He's got his karate instincts were too strong. Right. That's what it is. Yeah. Exactly. So the cops pants him and knock him down and torture him with pepper spray and eventually so badly that he stops breathing, right? And again, I don't want to make too much light of that because that's really fucked up and cops do that kind of shit. All the goddamn time, we'll make light of what happens next though in the movie because

it's that his spirit lifts out of his body like a goddamn bugs bunny cartoon. Yep. It's this stupidest fucking thing. This is the other moment where I'm like, okay, well, clearly you're just fucking with me now. So all the cops are super cool about, they're beating them up, they're spraying them with pepper spray, but then all of a sudden, the death sound effect,

soul rising sound effect happens. Right, they apparently can see it. Which is a literal, it was like, being and they're all like, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, yeah, right. They apparently can see it. Which is a literal. It was like being in the wrong stuff. Did you guys hear that? That was the death rattle. That means an angel got a wings. I think we fucked up. Oh, damn it, guys. The white people dying alarm went off. We got to get one of those black people too and make our jobs so much. Do we? Yeah. What other detail about these soul rising up? I'm curious about this.

Apparently, according to the canon in this universe, when you die after being panced and then your soul rises up, your soul gets to have the pants back on. Because that's the reason. Right, it doesn't have to reach up and pull. Because you don't want your first action in the afterlife to be have to be pulling up your pants. Right, buttoning up in front of St. Peter.

That's funny. You get to St. Peter and you're like, blah, oh, shit. Yeah. It just goes around my angles. Dicks us. Sorry. It was just that. It wasn't my choice.

I broke my nose. I think it broke my nose. And then the cops, so the cops, I guess, like, stole the ambulance at the gate of this gate in community for a while. So they, but they finally let him through. And as the, as the ambulance is getting through, we watch his spirit like marvel at its translucent and then it's hit with like heaven tractor beam. And God's like, don't worry about it. It's all good.

This is normal. It happens all the time. I also have to point out that when the ambulance gets there, we get to watch all these actors realize simultaneously they don't know how to use the stretcher, right? Like they got an ambulance, they got a stretcher, but these three extras are like, oh, we should have asked them how to do it.

We use it like a sled. It's pivot. Who rides it before? Hivit. What do you mean pivot? What are you talking about? Turn your side. I love to because again, he's writing all the lines. And so all the EMTs gather around and they're all sitting like right in the middle of

this circle of cops going, so they obviously tortured him to death with pepper spray, right? And like, yep, sure, tortured him to death with pepper spray. The exact quote is it looks like he was pepper sprayed point blank. Yes. How would they, oh, you can see from the spray pattern that this was that thing was closed as opposed to the texture of pepper spray. Yeah, exactly. And then the narrator cuts in with the second best line in the movie.

I thought he says anti I quote, Kalmas. That's the bad cop, the officer murder. He says, Kalmas and accomplices finished inflicting grievous bodily harm with malicious intent to kill and destroy me. And quotes footnote eight. See the law us. We want 37. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I know this won't be as wide appealing as it is to us, but occasionally here at God awful movies, we get a stupid letter from a stupid person who thinks they can use legal language to get us to not make fun of their movie. Yes. This is the narration version of that, right?

I fought with. Come this did to onto me for crime and now whoops. And then so they load him onto this stretcher. They go to put this stretcher up and this is where they really realize, oh, fuck, how do these little things?

Can we put them up with the wheels still down? Yeah. We watch, we watch them get it and get excited like they slide into the little stuff. Oh, that's cool. It's the best. It's like they tried to put a stretcher into the overhead on an airplane for like five minutes. I could watch these people try to put that stretcher into that ambulance for the rest of my. Not for the remaining 50 minutes of this film. Yeah. They're like a you all ramp. Fuck. This is. Oh, they clashes. So okay. So we cut inside the ambulance. He's getting a there's this great moment where he gets shocked back into his body. Right. So it's like this silly falling back to earth and he's going, whoa, like he's showing

on blossom, right? Is on his way to out or whatever. Whoa. Yeah. Honestly, I was like, okay, this is funny if God's doing like a prank and being like, okay, you're going actually down. You're going down. I got him.

Do you guys see, I got him for a while there. You look so happy. News. I even put his pants got him for a while there. I really know. Happy news. I even put his pants back on. Come on. Six bucks from everybody. I did it. No, no, I'm passing you down.

Two dollars from each of you now. This is like Joe, but it's all about a bet. And while this is happening, just to be clear, in case you were going to take this guy seriously or his opinion seriously, the entire ambulance ride cop murder guy will be casually trying to extramurter him. Yes. Like he's on the oxygen and the cop turns off his oxygen. Yes. Like do we trying to kill Lois?

Yes. And the EFT guy goes, Hey, who turned off the oxygen? And they look and he's like twiddling his thumbs and whistling. Well, you turned off the oxygen. Okay. Okay. Okay, the same guy, Calmiss, murder cop, literally at the beginning of this ambulance ride. They're in the back of an ambulance, like four people. And he leans over, over domin, he's like, I just killed you.

And nobody addresses that. Yeah, I feel like one of the EMs. No, he's like, you just, you just say I just killed you. I see your hand reaching to turn off the oxygen. What are you doing, man? I mean, ringing, ringing, is that a chainsaw? No, no, no, that chainsaw. You, they turn and he's just got a giant Gallagher hammer.

You guys mean, mind leaving me in the ambulance with him for a second? Yeah, his head might explode. The slapstick nature that they played this scene with was insane. After that happens, after the like oxygen thing, the EMT's like, okay, you obviously did that. Murder cop houts about getting caught.

Yes, that's the consequence. He's just like, no, you did catch me. Yeah, no, he's upset in the manner of like, you know, I just mopped this floor and you tracked mud over it when he comes back to life, right? The movie it also says it says time of resurrection 142 a.m. Or whatever. I'm like, dude, it's called Recessitation calm down Jesus Christ of Nazareth over here. Okay. Miracle achieved at one forty three. Let me put that into my very official medical records. Well, and we should point out too that they don't show like, you

know, the EMTs like doing CPR and him coming back to life. By the time he comes back to life, they're all just kicked back, you know, they're checking their phones, right? They're all chilling. And he just comes back to life all on his own. He wants you to know that he did the real work there, I guess. Yeah. But anyway, so but eventually they get him to the hospital. They're wheeling him in. There's this weird incongruent narration that comes in to explain that blue lives do matter, though, right?

Yeah. This is the best because look, this is very clearly a right wing Christian who experienced for a second what it's like not to have the maximum amount of privilege in this country. And so the way that he can do that without exploding like one of the bad guys from scanners is the uses narration during this moment to be like, just bad apples and it's a hard job and the proud. He's singing that while he's like half dead to be clear. That's what's in our issue is what's happening. Yeah. And so they wheel him into the hospital. The doctor's like, Hey, did you guys pants this dude and pepper

spray him for a half hour? they're like you pants them in pepper You try to murder us now and then got caught and then pounded in your chains Oh, we're all in on it, okay? Future in case anyone looks into what happened here. We are everyone in this hospital all the police the EMT Everyone is in on it. Yeah, right. Do we all agree now? Yeah, and the police, the EMT, everyone is in on it. Do we all agree now? Yeah. And the doctor is like, what do you take the fucking cuff soft?

It's an unconscious, almost dead person. You need to take the cuff soft right now. And the cops like, fun. He goes, yes, yes, hopefully takes the cuff soft. He grabs the guy's arm and hits him in the side of the leg. Stop resisting. He puts the guy's arm and hits him in the side of the leg. Stop resisting. He puts the cops back on. But seriously, it's pretty funny for the rest of the movie.

The cops are going to be like sneaking in there and putting cops back on the guy for no reason. Yes. To the extent that I thought throughout the movie, like he would go up to itch his face and he'd just be cuffed again. God dammit. So okay. So Kalmas walks out and he gets with the other two cops from before so that they can kind

of get their story straight. And they're going for like, look, these cops were all in it together. That's why a bunch of people maybe disagree with me about what happened. But instead of playing it as cops like all conspiring, it kind of reads like cop boss has Jedi mind control. Right? He's like, we all read him his Miranda rights. We all read him his Miranda rights.

He was not the droids we were looking for. He wasn't the droids we're really. Yeah, right. I saw him be a black guy for a good five sessions. Oh, right. Yep. Yeah, but I also that. You can tell he just his vibe was very good at karate.

Vibes are you good at karate? Yeah, but I also that you can tell he just his vibe was very good at karate vibe was very good at karate. Yeah All right, well this movie just peaked so I guess we want to pause now so we can soak it in before we start the downhill Slime so we'll be back in a minute with even more I can't breathe And look at this I can a free. This plan just keeps getting better and better. Hey guys, what you celebrating? Yeah, Noah came up with the best plan for us to get free phone service. He did? Yeah, sure did.

I just got a job as a 911 operator. Okay. Right, and what phone call is free from any phone in the US? That's right, 911. So whenever I need to talk to Noah, I just call 911, free. Right, but that assumes that he's working. Yeah.

And that he's the one that answers when you call. Mm-hmm. Also that, yes, but otherwise, perfect plan, right? Right? I mean, guys, if you want to save money on your cell phone, Bill, why don't you just try Mint Mobile? Oh, what's... Mint Mobile? Mint Mobile offers premium wireless for just $15 a month.

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You should probably get back to work. I should get back to work here. K. Hey, Tom, you got a second? Hey, I sure do. What's up, guy, who's helping me make this movie? Yeah, right. So I was just reading over the scene in the movie

where the evil murder cops confirm their evil murder plan. Mm hmm. Yeah. And first of all, okay, broken record. I know. Please do not write this movie. Please just don't just stop doing it.

No. Okay, yeah, head's dry. Just more time for my soul. Okay. Second problem is that you seem a tad in conflict with your own script. How so? Yeah. So for instance, in this scene right here, you have murder cop one say, I'll tell you what, I'm a bad apple, but most cops are heroes. It's a hard job. And I hope everyone doesn't judge police as a group by my actions. So you see how like ham handed that is.

actions. So you see how like ham handed that is. Right. Do not know. Okay. Well, later when they're hiding the bodycam footage, you have one guy deleting the files on the computer and the other guy's just chanting nothing but love for our troops over and over again. Nothing but love for our troops. Right. Right. Tom, let me ask something real quick. Always. Yeah. Is it possible that you have a frankly bad worldview and that the reason you've included these weird talking points for no reason is that your personal experience directly contradicts your beliefs? I mean, how do you think I'm still a Christian? Yep. Yep. That tracks good point. All right. Please don't make the movie. I'm making the movie. I'm gonna call it slavery.

And we're back for more of this shit. We're gonna rejoin the action in the waiting room of the hospital where Tom's dad and kid brother eagerly await news about him Right cops the cops pass by and they're like oh, we're so worried about him the cops are like oh papers bring you to death He literally gets in the dad's face and he was like and then he was crying like a little baby Right before the ambulance came and resuscitated him. The only reason we didn't get him down quicker is because he was taking steroids. I'm sure that must have been because he attacked me.

He attacked me. He must have had like Captain America juice or he couldn't have done it in me even for a second possible. His risk control. He had complete and total control in my right. Right now I still feel as though I am a ghost and my wrists are controlled by someone else. I don't know that I'll ever control my wrists again. So, okay.

So, they wander off. Later that night we see Kalmas flirting with a nurse when in walks, Kevin the fuck sorbo. God, he might as well be accompanied by like fucking funk muse. They're all burnt. If he walked in and said, Hey, everybody, it's me actor Kevin sorb. He's Kevin's or clip clop clip clop. I'm a Clyde still. I'm in this room. Yeah, he walks in and it turns out he's the lawyer for the police union. Yeah. So he goes and talks to murder cop Calmas and read. Calmas is so dumb. Right away. He's like, hi, I'm the lawyer for the police union. Fuck you. Oh, what? No. Okay. Let's start over. I'm on your team as your alarm stop resisting. Sorry. Sorry.

So have calmness is like, why do I need an attorney? And I'm like, I don't know. Dude, maybe the guy in the other room that you killed. Yeah. And this actor's so fucking starstruck every time he delivers a line, he does a sheepish little grin like, you, do good TVs Kevin Sorbo. We acted together. We acted together. Do you mind if I call you a co star Kevin Sorbo? I'm gonna take a selfie during this during the shot. Yeah. So yeah, and it takes like so long for the cop to real. So Kevin Sorbo's character is supposed to be going in there giving him all the right answers, right? He's like, so you probably kept him cuffed because he was

such a danger to himself and others, right? Is that correct? And but it takes the cop so long to realize that that's what it's going on. You know, he's like, no, man, it's just fuck that guy. And he's like, let's try this again. Again, good to watch that for the rest of the movie. Oh, and then there's this moment. So he goes to leave and he stops and he chats with a doctor on the way out and it's so weird and random that I actually thought that the hospital they were in a doctor walk by and was like, oh shit, it's TV's kept in sorrow.

And they were like, he rolling. This is gold. You want an apple? some oats in a bucket? Are you? Here you go. Disappointed. Mom. You said, we said.

So, okay. So, then we cut back to Tom in the hospital. He's been recuffed. This is the first of many times. Go for you. It's the best. You might as well be like in the Hannibal Lecter thing with like a cage over his face and he's on a moving truck.

He's got a boot for a car on his foot in the next. So yeah, so he wakes up shackled to the thing. The doctor, the K-sorbs just buddied up, comes in and says, hey, I'm mandating the bake rack for this guy, which means means they think it involuntarily hold him for a psychological evaluation. Yeah, that's a real thing in Florida. That's a rule that there's a law in Georgia to involuntarily put apparently an unconscious guy into a mental institution.

Yes. And then he wakes up there. Yeah. So, and the red headed doctor, those, she's like, oh, this is some kind of cover up. I'll have nothing to do with it. And the cops like, I bet this will be important. Later in the movie, when you come to tell your side of the story and she's like, nope,

you will literally never, so I'm gonna pray over him now. You know? And you will never see me again in this film. I'm just a character that he invented while he was asleep that disagreed with you. Yep, about this. Exactly.

About whether he attacked the cops. I disagree. Lady I made up for my movie. And also like after doing a bunch of doctors shit, she prays over him. She lays her hands over him and she says, God, let's look over this one or whatever. In case anybody in the audience was going to mistakenly attribute his recovery to medical intervention. Yeah. I would literally rather someone come over me while I was asleep and pepper spray me gently

and then pray over. Just kind of like there for breezing the room I'd take. Yes. It feels like I was fucked but God saved me. Also doctors. So, okay. And then we cut to Sorbo's Oscar sequence here, right? Really? This is Oscar pitch.

This is the scene where he's in the office with the chief of police and all the bad guy cops that they dismiss all the bad guy cops from the scene right away. They're like, look, Kevin Sorbo is going to act so big. There won't be room for all of them. Kevin Sorbo is doing his coffee is for closers, monologues, in the room. So yeah, so the chief kicks all the other cops out. And he says, listen, K-Sharp, you know,

this could be a pretty serious situation. You know, a similar thing happened, couple of police departments over. And you know, when they murdered a suspect who was in police custody, it quote, caused quite a ruckus. Yep. Murdering people does cause a ruckus.

I can't. He doesn't want to block us in his department. Yeah. It was a murdery kerfuffle. Let me tell you. So much paperwork. Any second now, Kevin Sarbos going to start singing, give him the old razzle dancing. I think his monologue here is insane.

He's just like, look, there's truth, and then there's perception, there's coffee, and then there's closures. It's so fucking dumb and random, and all over the fucking map. But yes, he's about to do a little soft shoe as far as it any minute. He doesn't.

But we cut from there to Tom's psych evaluation, right? Yeah. And again, keep in mind what we're about to see is Tom fail a psych evaluation. So this is his side of that story. Yes, right. Yeah. Well, in case you're wondering how biased they were against him, the first question she says is she's like, today I'm going to determine why you attacked all the officers in a steroid rage. When did you stop beating up the cop and you're on steroids? Yes. I literally wrote when did you stop beating your wife who is a cop?

That's this is his story about the psycho value. So he got tricked by that and wrote it into his own story. Yeah, and he also accidentally gives away that he was very clearly writing during this scene because she's like, oh, we see that you're on halidol and he's like, no. And she's like, look, man, even in the fictional version, I would know that from a blood test. I'm not guessing which steroids you're on. And he's like, no, you're allying. I said, okay, let's, let's, let's take it back. One more question, just, you know, general thing. You're insane. Yes, or

he's like, he's like, I would never be like violent or whatever. And she goes, well, what about that flashback with you in your boss? You look pretty mad. Then he's like, that's isn be like violent or whatever. And she goes, well, what about that flashback with you and your boss? You look pretty mad then. And he said, this isn't, it was just an argument. And then he delivers the greatest line that I have heard. And like, it's been years since I've laughed this hard

at one of our movies, legitimately. He goes and we've all written it in our notes in all caps. Yep. I believe in all caps. Yep. He writes, I'm well trained in two disciplines of martial art. Two disciplines. Not one of martial arts. He's got multiple black belts, but his point is that like, hey, look, if I attack those

cops, you're going to see some damage. Okay. I want to, I drive a Dodge Stratus to martial arts. I wanted so bad for the psychiatrist to be like, Oh, two different martial arts and a stratus. Okay, that's weird because martial arts wise, the cops were risk controlling you this whole time. I think just the cuffed you pretty useless those martial arts skills up here. Do you want me to cut for you? Can't let me show you this kata Let me do it. Is one of them pancreation from ancient Greece?

You have a very thin your martial arts sir pine board. I could break for you On my fifth or sixth try because I think that's really going to bring this point home. So I have one. It's not perforated. Does it need to be perforated? Sorry. Oh God, it was like, honestly, I laughed so hard at that moment that like the EMTs nearly

had to come and revive my ass. So, but she's like, no, you have failed your psych evaluation. I guess this is a past fail kind of thing. I were arresting you for resisting arrest. Right. And again, I want to be very clear. Like I know that the precedent of this movie is that everyone is in on it. And it's a total conspiracy. But like, you have to be pretty fucking crazy

to fail a psychopath. We watch him fail it in his description of his life in his movie. Right. Seriously, the psychiatrist is like, at the end, basically checking out if he really does have rage issues. And then at one point, she's just like, okay, I'm just writing something down. He's like, what are you writing? And I want him to grab it. And it's just like, okay, I'm just writing something down. He's like, what are you writing? And I wanted him to grab it. It's just like I'm writing this as a test. Hey, fuck you. Yeah. Oh

Right. How many martial arts are you well trained? So and apparently by the way, they had two cops waiting like you know, she's he hits a buzzer in two cops immediately walk in the door to arrest them, right? So, and then we cut to the weirdest scene. And normally I would just leave this scene out of the movie, be in or out of our description of the movie, rather, because it just doesn't, it never comes back. It never matters. And she, but the fucking cheese plate is so bad.

We have to talk about it. So, my God. The pepperoni volcano. Are we talking about the pepperonelius volcano? Seriously, it's such a bad cheese plate but there's only one type of meat. It's salami, also two types of cheese. One of them is fucking like mild, monoray jack. Yes.

And then it's like eight trisket for trisket for four people. They're going to have two crackers each. What the fuck? I screenshot this so that next time I'm mad at Heath, I can send it to him. Is it funny? It's so pathetic. But this is his HOA meeting and saying that they should try to kick him out of the neighborhood for being a cop attacker, right? They're in on it too. Which again, is only in this movie because this is just the fucking stream of consciousness of this nut bag, right? Because if this movie were true to form, it would just go and another thing that

the HOA were in on it too, because they just, they just were jealous of me. Yeah. Right. Good. Again. He's gonna like lose his job and lose everything anyway. So like him, we don't need to explain why he's not in this house or anything. This is just him going and those assholes at the HOA, I bet they have terrible shirk, couldery parts. And they do. They do. I support that part of the movie. Okay. Honestly, the only good part of the scene that I really, really enjoyed was the one angry guy at the H.O. Yes. Yes. The one eating the cheese plates. So fucking much, but he's angrily eating it because he's still eating it.

But he's hating this shitty cheese plate. It's the best. Okay. See now, I hate to argue on air, but I'm going to throw this out there. I actually think that this scene was meant to convey the H.O.A. and their fancy cheese plates. Like, oh, I think you're right. I think he looked at the pepperoni volcano and he was like, shh, luxury, am I right? I think they had crude it's hay on it.

I don't know, it's a some fancy word. And then this movie is going to take a weird minute to ask us to buddy up to deadbeat dads for a second, this weirdly sympathetic move. So cut over to Tom and jail. And we have this weird moment where like his cellmate is talking about how well, you know, I'm here for failing to pay child support. And he's like, well, how can you pay his child support

if you're in jail? And he's like, yeah, it's just this system is so unfair to fathers. So again, man. Isn't it weird how the deadbeat dad like starts the conversation to they're in jail and he's just like, Hey, bud, is this a cell spot taken? I'm going to put it next to each other.

You want to talk about suicide and then that's actually what they talk about for a second. And then he reveals, yeah, I'm a deadbeat dad. You should have some pity on me. Yeah, terrifying. Well, he's looking at these pictures and, and Tom says to him, your kids, and I really wanted him to be like, no, no, I'm just a pedophile. You want to train? You're kids, so like, you better are fucking out. There is.

Cool. Can we not talk to each other for now? I know. I know it. Can I just lean my arms out of my food slot in peace? I don't, it doesn't indicate that I want to talk to you through your food slot. Also, why doesn't this gentleman have a neck, right? The guy in the neck sell over like, did he lose that in the divorce too? Yeah, that was part of the settlement. Sure. All right. But this is where the, this is the first time that the movie explicitly references its whole premise

Which is that Tom is the modern day Joe Which can we just say? Wow Yeah, wow at the confidence to be like you know who I'm like the most unfortunate person in the bible Yes, this is second only to comparing yourself to Jesus on the cross. Yeah. Right. Right. It's the next step down. And we learn this because the celmate guy is like, Hey, you know, I actually happen to know a bunch of quotes from the book of Job and he's like, and you're a deadbeat dad. So knowing that book doesn't make you moral, I guess, huh?

And just to be clear, God has a plan that includes you being a deadbeat dad. That's, that's what you're saying. All right. Yeah, exactly. And so, and there's this great moment, and it encapsulates so much about Christianity that I have to include. Tom says to the celmaid, he says, so you believe that stuff? And then the celmaid guy says, and I quote, I believe there are barriers. Walls. Now, you might be thinking to yourself, fucking, what? Right? Because that's what you would think.

But that's the kind of shit that Christians have to say to avoid ever directly saying that they do or do not believe in their own holy book. Yeah. Okay. You're asking if I thought a guy got swallowed by a fish and then came out seven days later. I was asking about that, yes.

Are you saying, are you saying yes? I believe the right wall is like a box of chocolate. Sorry, but the whale, how is the wall? What the stars? I wanted, I wanted other prisoners to be yelling from the background at this point. Like, what the fuck are you talking about? That's not a good apologetic.

That's a dumb example. There's a dishonest answer. He's using, he's using the Kalam cosmological argument because the cosmological argument doesn't hold up. That's why he's trying to use Kalam on you. Gonna shank you later, those stupid category areas. And then we got over to his bail hearing and his lawyer is presenting his case like a nine year old reading you her book report. Okay, but literally reading from approximately a book report. Yes. The lawyer is reading from a large book holding it out in front of her. And she's like, my client is checks notes on upstanding citizen. That needed to be checked out and read verbatim from a book. And, and then the judge is like,

but upstanding citizen maybe, but he's from New York. Yeah. There's a lot of that was a counter-argument. Yeah. The judge goes, this is not a trial. Now, I would like to give my opinion on this trial. I have a speech about Jude New Yorkers. Yeah. Well, right. So yeah, there's a big part of his stupid fucking script that relies on this whole like, well, you know, southerners are very prejudice against Northerners thing. And there is something to that, but not in fucking Boca. No, shut the fuck up. It's like 99% people who are in New York living there within the last two years. Right, yes, exactly. Or they're dead. It's the sixth fucking burrow. Yeah. I'm Rabbi Modi or Fortsbaum and I can't stand you. And the judges denying bailies like, hey, look, man, this is a guy who just like angrily walked out of his own psycho valuation. No, I'm not letting him out of jail yet.

He has to do it for realsie's psycho valuation. How many martial arts has he mastered? That's an important thing. Is it three or more? She looks down at her book to. No, no, it's it's two. Yeah. And then he yells at the bay lips and threatens them I bet that's gonna help his I didn't attack the cops argument later again. This is his story. Yes Why not just have you be calm on your way out. Yeah Oh shit, so do we get him back in the cell the cellmate offers him a Bible? Yeah Oh shit, so do we get him back in the cell? The cellmate offers him a Bible. Yeah, the stupid necklace cell guy's like, you want his Bible because of the joke?

And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you want his Bible? Fuck you. And that's the whole scene. Yep. And okay, so now we're gonna cut to a different psych evaluation. And you can tell that this is a good guy psychologist because it's a man instead of a woman

and his office is cluttered instead of blindingly white. Right. So he'll get a fair hearing here. He's a down to earth homie prison psychologist. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Oh, you caught me as I was just finishing up my knitting for the day. Let me put this away.

Would you like a hot cup of hot cocoa? Okay. If both of those things were actually in the scene, they would have made more sense than the other physical objects on this guy. He has a scientific calculator on his desk. This is like, I'm a terrorist. What the fuck is he doing with that?

So this guy just has him sit down. He's like, so, you know, how are things? And he's like, I'm, I'm in jail, man. And he's like, right, yes, stupid question. Sorry, my bad. Yeah. And then he says, you know, I, I, I would really enjoy it if you could just, it's kind of grind this movie

to a screeching fucking halt and fill us in on some of your, your pointless biographical information. And he's like, yep, sure can do that. Yeah, if you ever been stuck at dinner with one of Heathen writes, absolutely terrible childhood friends, could you do your best impersonation of that person for me right now,

for say 70 or 80 minutes? He asked for some stock tips. He gives you COVID. Right. Yeah. When Tom is monologuing about how good he was on Wall Street, which again, he wrote this movie about himself bragging about himself. Yes.

He explains that he'd been trading on the Nasdaq. Yeah. 10 year. Maybe you've heard of it. Yeah, he gets a, and they talk about Apple stuff right after that. Yeah. I've been on the Nasdaq. I'm allowed there. I'm allowed there.

I'm allowed there, not on the floor, but I haven't. I'm an, I'm an e-trade account owner. You don't just give those away. You don't do that. They're for sub-stats. Again, this guy allegedly is a real Wall Street guy. And he wrote this and the psychiatrist is like, yeah, tell me about your job there. And he's like, I'm a market maker. And then the rest of the scene can't even describe correctly what that would be or how that

would fit in. Cause the psychiatrist is like, oh, so then what about Apple stock? I got some early. What are your thoughts on like buying selling it now? And top's like, well, you know, a market maker. So my thoughts are a bid price and an ask price and you would lose either way. So my job is done. I don't give tips.

I'm just like basically a robot that has like a small gap in the middle where I can make money. That's it. Yeah. So, and so this guy's like, well, obviously you're completely sane and you love the police. I'm going to let you out of jail. The music acts like the two of them are up to do a dance number together. Like they're going to have a friendship montage, the skim from field to flowers. They meet

up with Morgan Freeman on a beach. Yeah, right. Tantum bicycle in the whole nine. So, okay, but he gets out of jail. He gets home and we see him like go to the mail and as always bills are passed to now. He has a your fired letter from his boss. Yeah. Which he reads out loud. Yep. Which is just like when a house fell on and killed jubs entire family. I think we can agree. They're similar. I wonder if he reads all this mail out loud. He's like, oh god, dammit. Publishers clearing house so much shit. So if you want me to be empathetic about your character, you have to not look like this and wear this shirt

and have this face. Thank you. It's impossible. That's yeah. You can't like this guy. It's impossible. So back five in gaze, or whatever, he's like the perfect one.

So God, that's a slapable face in German. Thank you. I was like, he's gonna, wait a second, skip the crap word of the day, or is one of his new character takes that he just speaks German. Listen to the fucking shows.

Yeah, so I've forgotten. So I'm trying to hold fighting. So, yeah, so there's a knock on the door. It's a process server. He's being sued by his HOA, right? Now, there's this great moment of Christian space where he clearly doesn't know how reading a stack of papers works, right? Like he pulls these papers out. His pantomimes might as well include taking a bite out of them. He tries to sift through them, but from the top where

they're stapled together, and then he draws conclusions anyway. There's a lot of notes on the top left corner in this tiny little spot. That is what I've gathered is that I'm being evicted. Well, they've named number the pages sequentially ice. Also, they do the thing of like, you know, the process server shows up and he's like Tom Norezka and he like nods, I guess, and he's like, you've been served. So that counts. It does the movie thing like if you never say yes, you can avoid court forever as like

one simple trick. Oh, the S.K. The things that movie thinks process serving are is fascinating to me. They're right costumes. They're doing back flips over fences. Success and screen up in this shit. Like if you're just running away from that guy diving out windows and shit, you never go to court.

Like I'm actually kind of asking to. How does it work? Let's get Andrew on for this. So yeah. So okay. And now he's going to call a lawyer. And I thought he was calling a lawyer about this lawsuit from the HOA, but no, he is just now calling a criminal lawyer. Right. We have a scene where he calls the lawyer's office and he's like, yeah, you know, I've been accused of like trying to attack cops and I need

a, I need a lawyer. I'm like, well, this explains why you've been in jail for so long you're fucking idiot. Yes. And again, this is very clearly an attempt by him to make his story more sympathetic by lumping all the shit that was his fault with the stuff that wasn't. Yeah. He's like, Hey, lawyer, I need you to get me

off this police brutality thing, which is probably not my fault. And also all the other stuff, which is definitely my fault. But I need you to do the. Yeah. And the lawyer is like, apparently a little bit busy. The person who answers is like, yeah, Mr. whatever lawyer is busy. And then he's like, I'll pay double. And it works. But like, yeah, you couldn't think of a number between one and two, man. As you're a Wall Street trader, you're not familiar with any numbers in a number between one and two, man. You're a Wall Street trader.

You're not familiar with any numbers in that range between one and two. Well, and by the way, you say, you know, Mr. whatever's it's, it's Mr. Rosenberg is the name of sure. Yes, sure. Mr. Jerusalem. Mr.

New York, the Jewish part, not the Palestinian to be clear. There are no Palestinian parts of Jerusalem. He's wow. Wow, your canceled, your super canceled. Stay away from the fence. Eli hates Palestinians. So then we get a Tom trying to prove his innocence like montage. But it's such a stupid execution of the montage concept. It's like a training montage for Rocky, but like end of meetings with a handshake is

what we're getting over. Yeah, right. Yeah, looking through boxes, that's the whole fucking thing. The narrator tells us he spent tens of thousands of dollars on lawyers and private investigators and none of them were able to corroborate the premise of this movie, which of course is evidence that it's a conspiracy. Okay. Right.

Yeah. The conspiracy is why. I just want to throw in one more detail here. This is part of my best worst. He met with a lawyer. We just see them shake hands, but behind the lawyer on his like big back desk area, there's a stack of 150 baseball hats, just stacked on each other one on top of the other. Oh, interesting. What's happening? Where do these people think they are? It's a good question. Yeah. So they were building

a set for a lawyer and they're like, we, we're gonna need let's say 150 baseball caps. How many hats does your average lawyer have? This one's a good one. Let's up it. So yeah. Okay, so then we get him at home. He's just hired his lawyer. He's doing a low reading and he gets a call.

He's reading time is money. The time is money. Yeah, right, right. Time is money and God is dumb. This is a good book unless my life changes a lot. And I learned about God. He might as well close that book and be like, just like I thought I knew everything before I read it. Yeah. Right. Now back to my book, karate for black belts. So, but he gets, he gets this call from his lawyer saying,

hey, the cops have dropped all the charges against you as long as you're willing to attend anger management class. Fuck you. I'm not attending anger. Okay. I heard it. I heard it. I heard it. I, I, I have attended court ordered anger management classes.

Just take the felonies, bro. It's, it's not, it's not. So just a bunch of fucking wife beaters and you're not allowed to tell them what you think of them It's just really it's very very difficult So yeah, but he's he goes as your attorney. I would suggest you take the deal and he's like well, then you're fired And I'm like well, dude, you're bad at having an attorney He says you're fired he hangs up on him then he says, I hate all these attorneys keep with air quotes advising me.

Yes. Because like, there's, look very often, Andrew will say, well, you know, I would suggest you do this and we're like, okay, well, we're not gonna do that, right? So what happens if we do this? You don't just fire him at that point. Ooh, maybe we should try that. Just next time Andrew doesn't let me like give out a Supreme Court justice home address.

I'll just stop it by. So yeah, and then just then he gets a phone call from Dr. Redhead earlier in the movie, right? And she's like, I have some test results to go over with you. And he's like, oh, I don't, I just would tell me over the phone and she's like, I'd really like tell you and personally tell me over the phone and she's like, oh, you're fine, you have fucking ball cancer. Now you wish you had come in, don't you?

You have ball cancer. You got an exaggeration. And then she's like, by the way, yeah, testicular cancer. If you're wondering about the passivity level of it, it's aggressive. So a bunch of those two types of testicular martial arts. This testicular cancer actually needs to go to anger management, technically. So the the precept for this movie is that while he was at the ER, right?

For the police brutality, they also screened him for testicular cancer. You know, Justin case. While we've got him here, we should probably check his balls. Maybe it's because they're like, wow, he has literal balls of steel. This with this warrants further investigation. I tried to do testicle control and I couldn't get anything happening. We had good news. This guy is a master of, I would imagine two or more martial arts.

And those balls are crazy. Let's check that. They heard the police saying the balls on that guy is they were leaving and they were like, we should check out his balls. Check it. All right. Well, do I, Tom needs a minute to process this. So we're going to take quick break.

But first, let me give Akby the hard sell. Will Merauding and Vader's's murder his servants and abscond with his livestock. Will a house collapse and kill his entire family? Then how the fuck does he get off comparing himself to Joe? By now the answer. So these questions and more, when we return for these slight drizzle of conclusion they gave us in. I can't breathe. Nothing happens. They try to do a job thing. There's to get almost to it. And it's done. It's just done. It's just it sucks that ends with a handshake. It's just a hello. Hi, Mr. Luresca. Speaking.

Yes, I'm Dr. Rogers from the oncology lab down at the hospital. I have your test results here and I would love it if you could come in to discuss them. Yeah, kind of a busy week for me. Can you just tell me what you have to say over the phone? Well, yes, sir, I can, but we find that these conversations are usually better in person so we can, you know, discuss all the options. Yeah, I don't know what any of that means. Actually, even better, why don't you tweet them at me?

Can you tweet me? So, Mr. Lureska, I'm calling from the oncology lab. Maybe this isn't something that you want me to, uh, to tweet at you. Obviously. Okay. I'll tell you what I have my family here for Thanksgiving and we're actually all sitting around the table and I'm so forgetful. So I'll just put you on speaker phone and you can tell us all at the same time. No, you said no, Mr.

Lurescott. You don't. Okay. One. All right. You're on speaker. Everybody say hi to the doctor from the uncle. I'll let you lab.

Hi. Hi. Oh, okay. Everybody say hi to the doctor from the Uncle all of you lab Okay Mr. Larasca you have testicular cancer and we're gonna have to chop off at least one of your balls. Oh Um Why did you test me for the secular cancer when I was in the ER? Actually funny story on that, one of your nurses is a pervert. Is a pervert makes sense. Was it nurse Steve?

I'm on the phone. It was Steve, yes. Ha ha, see? Typical Steve. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. And we're back for still more of this shit.

We're gonna rejoin the action this time with officer murder hanging out at the bar watching the game with his buddies, right? And this is where Tom comes in to give him a what for. Yeah. Tom's going to beat up the cops now, according to himself in his own movie. And one of the side cops stops him. He like walks up. He sees this happening. and he's like, dude, really sorry about framing you, but like now you're actually guilty of attempted assault. Yeah, right. This is the thing. We accused you. Yeah. Well, this is literally a and it took three guys to hold me back seen in the movie that he wrote, right? I was really hoping we were going to get to see some of his martial arts skills.

Well, where he stops halfway through and he's like switching to Jiu-Jitsu. Here we go. I know. Now, Kapoeira, the Ruggans boxing. You guys have to sing it. Kung Fu is not my major martial arts. Switch dance. Yeah, I am not left handed. Yeah, right. So yeah, so he gets dragged out of the bar and he doesn't get to beat him up even though he probably could have it. They hadn't drug him away.

They totally would have. And then we get it back in his office and he's like, you know, every man has this breaking point and this was mine and this actor goes for breaking point and it's beautiful. Listener, we don't often include clips in this show, but you have to hear this actress attempt at reaching his breaking point. Here it is. In all its glory, they say every man has his breaking point and this was mine. I was never going to find justice. He does, he does the sweeping all the stuff off his desk.

As part of the moment when he screams and honestly, for me, that means like a sex thing now. Yeah. He was going to get up on the desk and like master bait. Welcome, self. Yeah, exactly. So yeah, so, but now broke, Philoneas and cancerous, he heads home to New York. Right.

We see like before he's arrived, he's got like his dad talking to Uncle Ralph, a character we haven't met yet, explaining to him where we are in the movie, telling us shit that we already know. According to the narrator just now, I'm just going to repeat what he said. And it's also very important that dad turns to Uncle Frank or whoever and says, Hey, don't start a fight about him attacking the cops. And Uncle Frank is like, got it. That's important for everything but don't.

Yes. Yes. Also, dad floats the theory here that it was all the stress from the wrongful felony charges that gave him the ball cancer. Yeah, that'll happen. That'll happen. You got to do some mindful breathing and the cancer goes away. Oh, okay.

But yeah, it kind of reverts the opposite of stress, obviously. Yeah. And then Tom shows up and we get a hug for mom and a firm handshake for dad, which means that like at some point in this filming time is just standing behind the camera going, no, I wouldn't hug my dad like some kind of game. Oh, okay, we would shake hands. My dad and I don't hug. My dad and I don't hug.

Trying to keep this movie realistic. Maybe instead you could do some super cool karate for him and he could just like nod for me. Okay. And this is like the greatest example of best worse for me. Where like their house is a Michael's craft. Yes. You can't room here. There's a sign on the wall that says, be your own kind of beautiful. Also, right next to that, I saw that first and then I was like, oh my God, there's a

picture that says faith on the table. Yep. Not like the eating table, like the off to the side show stuff off console table. So they just have like a big picture of faith at all times. And they have a dry erase board that says when you have more than you need, build a longer table, not a longer fence in marker in dry, erased marker that they like, change up. They're slogan every once in a while. Right.

Because sometimes that has to say, build the wall. Right. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Okay. Okay. And so they all sit around for a little family wine. Right.

They've all got these wine glasses. And Uncle Ralph is summarizing all his Joe Blake tribulations. Now he's going to start the fight that dad just told him not to start instantly, but right instantly. That's his first action. They sit down and he's like, right. So I'm here to start a fight. I hear you're a even know two types of martial arts. Slapping your ball cancer. Slapping it right now. I'm slapping your ball cancer. You can't do anything. Right. And again, like not to get too finnigant's wake about this fucking movie, but I always have to think of it as like, okay, this is the movie the crazy person wrote about the thing

that happened later. So to me, this is a reflection of like Uncle Ralph was like, so I hear your years been hard and he was like, fuck you Uncle Ralph. Yeah. Cuttaws that don't. I'm bringing my size. Yeah. So, but what this is supposed to represent, I think, and maybe I'm overestimating this writer is the terrible friends that show up at Job's house and tell him he must have done something

to have this coming, right? Because he talks about how like this must be karma paying Tom back for something. Right. And you remember in Job, when Job, uh, they're all talking and then he, he really slowly dramatically stands up from the table. And then nothing happens. Remember that? Because that's what he does here.

He's like, all mad and he's like, slaps the table, slowly stands up, glaring at everybody. Nothing happens and they're all like, oh, I thought you were going to... And then he's just standing there. Thought you were going to do a big thing. And Ralph tries, good old Ralph. He's like, I'm sorry for suggesting that you deserve ball cancer. Lehi him. And then he's like, no, I'm storming out.

He's like, what? I do. It was just He's like, man, I, what I do. It was just a toast. I was just trying to do a toast. He actually, I'm serving out of my gun. To be fair, you fought the cops and deserve ball cancer is a pretty Jewish toast. Okay. So, and I, of course, I write in my nose. Dude, storming away from tables with your family, yelling at you at them is what caused

all this trouble to begin with. But okay, if you want to attempt fate again, oh my God, how amazing would it be if he goes outside and gets in another fight with God? All right, this one's on me. I should have known my by now. He just grows a tumor out of his head. So okay. So now Tom goes down to the basement to sulk and his little brother goes down there And it's at this point watching the little brother try to deliver his monologue. It's at this point that I wrote my notes. It's like these actors were all drafted. Yeah.

The young man appears to be reading his lines at gunpoint. Yeah. Oh, it's terrible. I love this excuse to. He goes like, you know, he says, man, why is Ralph such a and the brothers like, I'm going to have to cut you off right there, man, we can't get any further into that sentence without the dove foundation giving us a ding so yeah, I'm afford that. Do you want those sweet, sweet Kevin Sorbo dollars or not?

So, okay. So we cut to a waiting room. Well, the VO informs us that he's getting cancer surgery on his balls. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And the family's out in the waiting room and they're like talking to each other. It's like, oh, yes, the Tom's getting cancer surgery. That's really, oh, I dropped a narrator's talking.

And then another, another comes in and they're just moving their mouths in like wordy shapes. Yeah. Continue their conversation. And once again, the narrator has nothing to say. He's like, boy, God sure is testing me is the plot of the movie. But at least this is probably better than hell. I guess cancer. So he wakes up from ball surgery. We see the doctor standing over him. He's like, so the

good news is that we took one of your balls off. The bad news though, is that the cancer spread to your stomach and your lungs and you're going to need chemotherapy. Yeah. Also, we should point out that this doctor is played by the guy who's also the writer and director and producer of the movie. Oh, is it? Yes.

And we can see why he chose not to start in his movie because he also delivers his lines like he's about to open a car wash. And you've got stomach and lung cancer too. Goodbye. I'm a pucker peg of corn. And the actor goes for crying again, but the camera mercifully puts him out of his misery with a quick cut. And then we cut to him getting chemo. Well, another chemo patient right next to him reads from the Bible aloud. I would literally rather get chemo injected directly into my eyeballs, then sit there with someone reading the Bible for hours at a time. Even if I didn't have case or yes, I would seriously stand up and squeeze her bag until it was out.

Right. I wrote my notes at this point. I'm like, if I ever find myself in this situation, I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to explain why it was reasonable to punch a cancer assault lady in the face during her chemo. God. The boys, the narrator comes on to say, well, but the good part of the chemo is it really took my mind off my pending felony charges. I'm like, wolf. That's a rough one. But oh, and of course, as we picked up his Bible and things started to turn around for him a little bit,

this is, I almost went with best words to half-ass Bible discovery, because he barely flicks this thing open. And he's like, yeah, I don't know, I'm into Jesus now or whatever. Yeah, right. It's this only way Kevin Sorba would do the movie. A lot of these pages have numbers.

God gives me life. That's it. It's okay. So then we cut to dad check in the mail and it turns out he's got some good news for a change. They call Tom downstairs because yes, they make the cancer guy sleep upstairs. And they're like's got some good news for a change. They call Tom downstairs because yes, they make the, the cancer guy sleep upstairs and they're like, we got good news for you. Turns out the testicular cancer was a blessing in disguise. The cops are dropping

the charges even if you don't go to anger management because you're dying. I guess it's what they're saying. Yeah. I guess. Okay. Well, it was all a cover up to begin with. So they were like, clearly, just looking like, Oh, no, no, this is part of the cover up. Yep. And of course, the voiceover is like, was this good news? No, but I'll play along. I'm like, the fuck it wasn't good news, dude.

Come on, you can't convince me this isn't good news for you. But the narrator explains that they've, what they've really done here is robbed him of his chance to win the case. Yeah. Anyway, so then his, his cancer gets better and he gets a new job. Mm-hmm. God, and then they show him.

This is like, what it looks like to be winning all of a sudden at life according to this piece of shit, Tom Lureska. He has himself in, again, in his movie, winning a red blazer with a T-shirt under it, and two separate gold necklaces with Jesus being crucified on them. Yeah.

I wanted somebody to come in and pepper spray them and give them more ball cancer based on that outfit alone. Thank you. Dude, you look like a men's rights bell hop. I'm spraying you a pepper spray. No. Is there this? I have to pepper spray you.

It's the law. Yeah. So we get that quick scene and then we get him that night. He's like looking through his box of plot devices and and and back story. Right. He's got a box just marked Florida. That's all about his wrongful charges. Yeah.

And he's in his childhood bedroom, right? Yes. So to be clear, he got a new job. So he's been working on Wall Street and living at mom and dad's house this whole time. That's where it is. He is New York City. I get it. I get it.

Yeah. And then the dad comes in and he's like, dude, are you still obsessed over the cops torturing you to death? And he's like, yeah, believe it or not, dad, I'm not over that yet. And believe that. And then he says, and this is apparently the premise

of the fucking film, right? He says, and I quote, dad, I need to have those cops questioned so people know what death is like. What? I'm like, take me there Tom, but he never does. I wrote my notes. Is that what the movie is about? Okay. I thought, yes, I thought like, oh, okay. So now this is way late in the movie

But they got a little bit of time for him to teach about his near death experience and show us got But they don't they never know that no they don't Apparently this movie is that happening and dad explains that it'll never work at the dad's like, you know Look, man, I know what you want, but you'll never make a movie about this happening. It would all be too boring. What would the ending even be? I would just peed her to a close, wouldn't it? Yeah. And dad's like, his basic point is like, God doesn't want you obsessing about this.

You just got to let it go. Yeah. And I love these moments because I want there to be like one of these impass arguments. I want like Tom to be like, brrring. Oh, hello, God. I should keep obsessing about this. Great. Ah, God just contradicted what you said. God said, so do we tie now?

Go fuck yourself. Yeah. Right. Well, and then the dad says like, hey, come on, man. Like you obviously went for the cops, God, right? You know you're two fucking martial arts blah, blah, blah. And he's like, how dare you accuse me and the dad says I know how you get

You know homicidal yes, right yeah you gun grabby because and then he goes what you're a lot like me and I'm like You would have gone for the gun as I remember when I was a young man in my prime, I fought so many cops. Right privilege. Dad, how many martial arts do you know? Let's all get on the record saying. Yeah, right. So yeah, so but dad shuffles off all sad and deep, deep deep in that floor of the box, he finds a Bible, the one that he got when he was in prison earlier. And he says, all right, I've decided that I'm going to read this Bible every night for a month and see what happens.

And this is one of these stupid fucking moments. We always see these in Christian movies where the guy who is a church going, Christ believing crucifix wearing guy who's whose entire fucking childhood home is just filled with Bible quotes and Jesus knick-knacks decides to become a Christian. Yep. Right. And also he's like everyone who ever starts reading a Bible in a fucking Christian movie. He starts in like Psalms some way.

Yep. Just right in the middle. Just looking through. Okay. Jewish Jewish Jewish Jewish. Here we go. Just right in the middle. Just flipping through. Okay, Jewish, Jewish, Jewish, Jewish, here we go. But yeah, but this is the part where he's like,

please Lord Jesus come into my heart. It didn't count until now. Now I'm Christian, right? All right, let me flip back for hating gay people though. That is the Jewish people. So okay. So then sometime later, he's at work when off duty Santa Claus comes to see him. Okay. This is supposed to be the CEO of his new trade from where he works.

Yes. Uh-huh. Yeah. Look, and father time runs. And he walks in and he has Noah's best worst. Oh my God, it's a black tie with an insanely long red cross on it. And at the bottom, there's like a profile of Jesus's face with the crown of thorns going up. Oh, man.

You got a big chain across. He's got the big chain on his tie. It's a torture murder tie at the games. It looks like the cover of Jesus' unpopular rap album. So I tried to find this thing on Amazon. I wanted to buy one for all three of us so we could wear it at the next live show. I couldn't find it. I found it disturbing variety of Christian neck ties, but I couldn't find this one.

No, I went through the exact same thing. I seriously, I found this tie. There's one on the way for both of you guys. Oh, awesome. I swear to God, I found it on eBay. It took a while. Oh wow, okay. You were more dedicated than me or a year.

Oh, rude. Oh, amazing. So, okay, so boss comes in wearing this tie and they have some they talk about fucking stock stuff. Yeah, they're so bad at that. Yeah. He's like, have you gave thought, first of all, weird construction? Have you gave thought on the new first Boston IPO? Apparently, the old IPO was good, but this one is bad. And Tom looks down and he gets some crucial market information up to date, you know, like micro second to micro second market information from a three ring binder. He's printed out. He's in

an office that does not contain a computer. There's no he's a trader. He's a walk-in traitor. He's not a computer, but he has a printer behind him. Oh, interesting. A rim of paper and a three-ring binder with all the up-to-date info. Amazing. Yeah, and then, of course, the boss notices the Bible on his desk at this point. And he's like, oh, you read the Bible.

And Tom goes, yeah, I've read a bit of it. You know, just a tip just to see how it feels. Do you read it? And the boss is like, oh, I'm going to read it goes, yeah, I've read a bit of it You know, just just a tip just to see how it feels. Do you read it and the boss is like No, I wear a crucifix type of a fast-and-saving man tomorrow. I can come in and a Muslim tie. You don't know And he says he says you know, I read the Bible quite a bit when I was when times are tough for me and the Bible worked.

Yeah. Okay. To be clear, it worked to get him through his divorce. Yeah. I feel like you lied about reading the Bible, man. Yeah. Because he was there late at night. He was sitting there and he was like, oh, man, I miss her so much. And he opened up sitting there and he was like, oh man, I miss her so much.

And he opened up the Bible and he was like, shit, I would have been sown to death a couple of thousand years ago. I guess losing the kids in my catty. So bad. It's not so bad. He gets some new ties. Yeah. I am father time.

And I do have a little bit of money left over for a sweet tie. And then he goes to leave the boss goes to leave and he's like, Hey, if you ever need anything now that I know you share my religion, I'll be nicer to you, right? And I'll help you more in terms of your career. And he says, yeah, well, no, of course you will. Do you think you could help me find an apartment here in Manhattan? And he's like, you know, I know just the person. And I really, it's like, there are four minutes left in this movie, right? Listen, you could be best friends with every single God in history.

You're not finding an apartment. Thank you. Thank you. But listen, there are four minutes left in this fucking movie. It is insane to leave to like introduce a new character at this point. But what we learned at this point is that this is how he met his his wife. Yeah. And she was going to be romantic if he left her out of the movie.

Yeah, he very clearly handed her the script for this movie, which ended one page ago and she was like, And you're going to go out to a man me, right? And how much we love it, God. And he was like, of course, of course I'm gonna have that. That's the most important. The most important scene of all. It's so problematic. They met while she was his realtor.

And then like, yes, a day later went on a date. It's gross. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, because there's this whole big thing where he's like, yes, a day later went on a date, it's gross. Yeah, right, right, yeah, because there's this whole big thing where he's like, you know, hey, would you like to go out on a date with me, a person who has to be nice to me, otherwise they might not get this commission. And she's like, I guess so. Yeah.

Okay, I have questions about this moment where they go to see the apartment. Sure, I do too, I do too. So the first thing that happens is he points out that there's a giant water damage hole in the ceiling Mm-hmm, and she says, oh, if you don't like the hole in the ceiling, we could fix it. Never mind. I was, yeah, no, that would be great I love you to fix all the water down No, it's good. It's good. I flag that right it down. I don't like hole in the ceiling. You don't a circle. Don't

Perfect My question is why is she renting an apartment inside a badly funded public school in the suburbs, but also right near Wall Street and Manhattan? I well why why does this barren apartment still have a poster on the wall? That says I couldn't tell what it said, but then the wife says about it. She goes rubies are gold my mom used to say Yeah, she goes, Ruby's our gold, my mom used to say. But she was an idiot. Yeah, the blister says, she's more precious than Ruby's. That's the only thing in the entire apartment. We're looking at this giant thing and he's like,

yeah, question for you. Yeah, you wrote down the thing about the ceiling hole that I don't want. Great. Second question, what the fuck is this? Yes, that this sign is from Proverbs 31. the ceiling hole that I don't want. Great. Second question. What the fuck is this? Yes. This sign is from Proverbs 31, something about Ruby's goal. She's Christian too. That means that they can take. What's going on here? This is so, normally, I would just let the mystery

linger, but it's so fucking stupid that I have to point it out. What's going on here is that he's interested and potentially investing I have to point it out. What's going on here is that he's interested in purchasing, like potentially like investing in the renovation of a building and he wants to rent an apartment in said building. And that is going to be like the way that the two of them actually met, but he's such a stupid fucking writer that he doesn't realize that he could just have her showing him an apartment and leave that part out, right? Because there's a part of him that's like, but that's not how we met, right? That's why it's so stupid and needlessly confusing in this moment. So, okay. So we're about to wrap up, but first we have to, obviously, we

have to tie off that thread with Uncle Ralph. You're going to have to talk's happening with Uncle Ralph. Thank you. I was shaking over here. I'm worried that people might not know that Uncle Ralph agreed eventually that that was my thought that it was his fault for bringing it up during a perfectly nice wine having. Yes. And then there's this weird moment, which I can only imagine is a transcription of their terrible relationship, where he's like, all right, well you're moving out. And he's like, why are you gonna miss me?

And his uncle's like, no, I will not miss you. I will not miss you. And that is the end of the scene. No, yeah, he just says, I don't like changes all. It's not that I like you. What? Also, I'm fucking a lady. I've had sex with a woman and there's another I'm going to probably tomorrow. No, her actually says I'm in a relationship.

He just, he just, he's a realtor who is he thinks strippers and realtors like him for real. Right. Yeah. And he's in a relationship. It's, it's a least relationship if you want to be technical, but I'm I'm a leasing relationship. And then okay, so then we cut to the real estate lady. She's getting his credit report and she's realizing that his credit isn't good enough for this Manhattan apartment, right? And her friend at work is given her this information and says, ooh, he could you could be his love interest in the movie.

And she's like, yeah, no, I was thinking the same thing. Actually, even though I'm very clearly 20 years older than the actor play, you should definitely date the credit risk eye banker that you know, while working, that's perfect. Yes. Yeah. And so she calls them. And she's like, Hey, you know, I just got your credit report back and he's like, right, right about that. Don't answer yet. Don't answer yet. Yeah, actually said that.

Cops gave me ball cancer. Cops gave me ball cancer. That's why my credit's baddest because of the ball cancer that the cops gave me. Would you like to go out for lunch with me? Before you say no to my loan, let's have sex. Does that change? I mean, look, I'm not saying he hasn't watched this porn before, but he has watched this. Oh, watch this.

This is like a trope. This is like by a porn 101. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. It's a John Everyman porn. So then we got John Everygrandmother. So then we got to their date, which is in a diner, because he's a big spender. And this by the way, will be the movie's final scene. Yup. It's insane. How abruptly this is so fucking nuts. And we cut to him like he's apparently just told the entire movie to her, right? And she's like, wow, that was very interesting. It would make a good movie. He's like, right? Wouldn't it though? What an interesting story.

I believe you. Yeah. Also, I'm very attracted to this. This is a great lunch date you're taking me on at this Denny's with, okay, it's a diner. It's not Denny's, I think it's just a regular dinner. It's a diner that has empty plates out on the, like place settings ready on like table clothes. They're going to just bring you the food in their hands and set it there. I don't know. Look, look, let's be real.

If they're on fries, there you go. If they're a red plastic cups at your first date and you're an adult, it's not going to work out. No, not again. Not going to work out. But he explains that all of this has just been God testing him because how would, you know, how would you even know you have faith until something goes wrong? And she's just like, well, you would just, you know, if you believe in God, that cow,

it's like, fuck, that's a, you fucks up my whole thing. We won't go back and answer again. She's like, well, you would just, you know, if you believe in God, that cow, it's like, fuck, that, you fucks up my whole thing. We won't go back and answer again. She's like, I will. And he's like, no, no, wait, I got it. I got it. I would like to drag these gold posts to a slightly weird opposition. Here's what would I would like to be the like second to last line of the film. If those officers don't admit the truth that they framed me for trying to fight them and then

pants me and pepper spray me in the face until I die and then I came back to life, people won't believe in God. What the fuck is that? What did she say? What do you want from all this? And he said, I want people to know what death is like. I need to explain the problem of evil against white people or else no one will ever believe in God. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Look,

unless you're about to revenge murder a room for full of people, I want you to know what death is like is not a good. That's not the right line in that moment. And then the voice of the narrator cuts in and he's like, we sat in that diner all day because fuck our fucking server, fuck our server right in her. Seriously. Get the fuck out. Go to a party, you assholes. New York City has such good parts. Oh my, so many, so many plates got spilled on them like, oh my god, another, I can't believe this loose. I just throw it on your face by accident when I came. I made a mini catapult of hot apple pie and fired in it. So you're, that was just a hot call.

Who would that? Yeah. And then, and then the movie ends. That's the end. There's no resolution. There's no point. They're just easy just again, then we had a very lovely date. The end. And then I met my wife, who I love very much. No, this is not the PS, but, but the movie may have ended our

experience with it does not end quite yet, because we still have Eli's best worst, right? The instant the credits start rolling, we cut in with this interview where Kevin Sorbo is going to interview real life Tom and real life, Katarina and his opening fucking words in this interview are quote, incredibly powerful movie. Right away. Great movie. I mean, for the movie to end with one of the actors movie telling us how good it I feel like more should do that. I even like Steven's feel verb just popped up at the end of the Fable man

So good how about that shit right? I fucking rock making movies guys Fuck I'm good. Jesus. He kept in store, but he goes, so why did it take you 20 years to get this story out there? And he's like, well, you know, we had to wait until people would, uh, would conflate my ordeal with George Floyd so we could trick them into watching it. He's like, right?

Yeah. Yeah. You got a time at right. Yeah. He's like, I tried to rate a book. I made, I tried to make the movie. I wrote so many emails and there's just this tiny moment where Kevin Sorber was like, yeah, no, I got your emails. They, um, and the guys like, yeah, but they bothered you and he's like, no, no, no. Not first 80, seven. Yeah. There's this great moment where he tries to just fight like, you know, so why did the cops do all of this? And he's like, well, you know, they told me to get on my hands and knees.

And this is actually his, his excuse. I don't believe in getting on my hands and knees for anybody, but God. Okay. Now I want to pepper spray you. I'm fully on the cops side. Okay. Yes. To be clear, he just admitted he did resist arrest, physically, and fight

cops. This guy is 100% shot in the face already if he's a black guy. 100%. Yes. They don't realize that that's the important context. He made it through his entire movie telling his side of the story and made it four seconds into an interview with himself before he was like, I thought the cops, that's why I got an office. I was. And his wife's attempted human speeches and treading, right? So Kevin Sorba kicks it to her for a minute. And she said, I have to give you this quote in its entirety. It's, I can't do it. Justice otherwise quote, she says, he says, you know, how did you get involved in what part did

you play in this? She says, quote, I I love law and I love to investigate every detail. So why did it happen and why we should actually pursue it? So I went through the whole entire case and I see everything that we can actually make it together to practically put justice. What and She's like an AI before you tweak it. Like Melania GPT. Yeah. Yeah.

So and Ksorbs says at this point too, because they have to, you know, all lives matter this a little bit. Kevin Sorbos says, well, you can't, you know, nothing like this would ever happen today, right? You know, like for the modern day police wouldn't be so bad at their jobs. Yeah, you had to really dig back like 20 years for an incident where cops were unfair to a person and you found a white guy. Right.

Yeah. And he's like, you know, and Thomas, like the real life Thomas, like, yep, I lost everything I have no money. I'm absolutely broke. By the way, I will offer $100,000 for any of those cops that talk, that admit that they did, that they framed me. We're, were you getting that from, man?

He explains that he'll take another lie detector test. Yeah, he says I took a lie detector test. I'm reading this. And I passed it. That's slightly more accurate than getting a tarot card reading that exonerates. So this is my favorite part. And it's the very last thing.

He finishes that very serious thing and Kevin Sorbo, consummate professional that he is, wants to end things on a high note. So he goes like, great, tons of fun. All right, well, my Uber's here. Turn off the camera. All right. So I'll tell you what, we had some fun with this last week. So I'm going to ask you again this week, if you're in charge of the marketing, what is this movie's tagline? Oh, how about I can't breathe or read the room.

I can't breathe. Oh, wait. Yes, I can because the cops did not shoot me because I'm a white guy. So yeah, yeah, but my throat was really scratchy for super scratching. So and I was just going to go with I can't breathe. All lives do matter, though. They do where you say they don't. And well, that's going to do it. I guess for a review of I can't breathe, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to do another cycle in this revolving door. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, Noah, I don't know if you remember, but a few months ago, I said that we were on

the final movie of the happy science cult. And luckily, one of our heroic listeners introduced me to the other seven happy science co-tats. Oh, no, no. That we have yet to watch other seven happy science. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, so with that, look forward to we're gonna bring episode 387 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon to help make the show go. If you'd like to get out yourself and make a perfect episode on it, go Patreon.com slash God. Often on there by Ernie Ernie, Ernie Access to an ad free version of every episode.

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to gmail.com. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law, if this is a P.N. Routaurus Timber, opposite to the X-Hare for our social media, our theme song is written and performed by our onslaught and equal drafts on Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Korgan, was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check in your life this week for Heathen, right? Neil Abos, the Amnolutions, promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week and

tell then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Kevin Sorboe went on to finance the movie about a devout Christian who got his private train line, nationalized by Adolf Hitler, and he got paid slightly below market value. It was a very large injustice. And, slightly below market value, it was a very large injustice. Joe, got new kids at the end of the story, so Tom's still waiting on news about his testicle. Keep your eyes peeled for Tom's next movie, The Towers of Fallen. That time a kid knocked over my blocks in preschool. I'm well trained in zero types of martial arts.

I'm going to throw that in there. Zero. on a thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2023, all rights reserved.