God Awful Movies - 388: Hermes: Winds of Love

Episode Date: January 24, 2023

This week, Cara Santa Maria joins us for an atheist review of Hermes: Winds of Change, the story of the Happy Science Cult trying to woo kids in with mythology before shoe-horning in a bunch of their weird theology. --- This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/awful and get on your way to being your best self. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out more from Cara on the Talk Nerdy podcast Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

He's like, I have an idea. We will be a city where people can bring their goods. I want it so badly for one of the people he's trading with to be like, no, no, we know what trading is. Oh, no, he's such a privileged piece of shit. He's like the white dude in the room and he's like, dear friends from Africa and to Asia. Oh my, he might as well hog the Koch Mirror and explain how it's a video game that pays you in Bitcoin. I'm like, oh yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm here. I feel like the Emmys in the intro this time were just a twist

the night. Usually, usually it's because we like to set you up, but this week I think it was like, and her parents really believed she was going to do great things. So anyways, speaking of which tell us, Kara, what will we be breaking down today? Yeah, usually I have something to say here, but what? I have no idea what I just watched. Wait, wait, I know what it's called. I can at least tell you what it's called. I have that queued up. It is called Hermes, Winds of Love, Movies, Full Spiritual Anime.

Or at least that's the title on YouTube. Hermes wins of love movies full spiritual anime That is the film and Eli how bad was this movie Well if you loved the bad shittery of the happy science cult But you wish they weren't held back and hemmed in by all the real-world stuff of their other film in by all the real world stuff of their other film. We love this movie. This movie is a delusion set in a delusion, the anime. Yeah. No, it's a matri-sh-g-d-al of insanity. It's so awesome.

And it was, it was, I do believe, carous first entree into the world of the happy science cult. So welcome. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I wish I would have known that that was a thing because I just dive. I don't know. Face first and to the deep end of some crazy Jello. I have no idea what this is.

I think like on the one hand, we felt like we needed to tell you about what it was and everything. But on the other hand, we didn't want to like ruin the innocent period in your life where you didn't know what the happy science cult was. So we were torn. That's fair. That's fair, but you'll notice that my notes throughout the whole film and you guys will hear this are just what? What is happening?

Yeah. What am I watching? Look, I've watched four of their movies and so are mine. Right? Okay. Good. Don't worry. This mythology isn't consistent.

You're not like, who's Luke Skywalker? This is like Luke Skywalker might as well show up in this movie. That's how little consistency. He's in the sixth level of heaven. We don't quite get there in this one. So is there anything you guys want to nominate? This one for me the best to be in the worst at? Yeah, I mean, clearly best worst mismatch subtitles and dubbing.

Like it's two different movies. We're watching two completely different movies, but there's also so much more. For some reason, whenever we do one of these happy science movies, the guy right in the subtitles and the person writing the dubbing are like kept locked away in separate homes, never in the twain to show meat. One of them turns into a fucking wolf during the day and the other one turns into an owl at night or some crazy shit. I have no fucking idea.

It's so weird every time we do this. Yes, because let's we forget there is a thing called the time dimension, which means at some point someone has either spoken this movie in English or written this movie in English before the other person has done their thing. You would think, so okay, I'm going to go with best worst, roping the kids back in with an action beat. So like every happy science cult movie, this is disguised to look like a regular cartoon of some sort so that you know, when mom walks in the room and you're watching this, there's

like a, you know, only a one in five chance that she's going to walk it on some of the really crazy shit. And so periodically throughout this movie, it'll just be like, but now we're leading a good commando, right? On the evil king. And you'll be like, but why are you, oh, you're done. You're done. Okay. Never mind.

And of course, I tease that I'm going to go with best, best experience. Knowing Kara is watching the movie. It has been postulated among our listeners that this show has gone from a movie review show to how deeply into insanity. Can I drive our good friend Kara Santa Maria without her just quitting and never coming back? Wait, three, three. I feel like this is, this is about, I think this is as far as I've pushed so far, like aside from my eventual plan to show Heath an hour and a half of static and it's just

that he reviewed it. I think that this is it. Eli. Yeah. If you scroll to page 25 of our notes, literally, this is my last note for this movie, spoiler alert. I hate everything. The fact that this exists makes me feel like everything I've ever done in my life is futile.

This movie broke me existential crisis incoming. Oh, damn it. Oh, damn it. I had episode 389 in the pool. And this is 388. Damn. I overbid. Oh, all right.

Well, my God. I've got some payouts to count out. Now it's like, I guess we're going to pause for a quick break. But we're back in a flash with all the a historical bullshit that is Hermes wins of love. Seriously? Oh, Cara, what's the matter? Yeah, you look mad.

I am. This copy is sent over for Blutew is super creepy. Wait, what's Blutew? Blutew is a unique online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra, Sialis, and Levitra, but insuable tablets and at a fraction of the cost. You can take them any time, day or night so you can plan ahead or be ready whenever an opportunity arises.

Well, that sounds great. What's the problem with it, Cara? Well, Eli wrote for me to say, quote, the genitals not invigorated by Bluetooth, discussed me and all women end quote. Okay, they said to motivate our audience. So that, yeah. I thought those medications needed a whole process to get though. Well, the process is simple. Sign up at bluechew.com, consult with one

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Okay, but still this string bikini you guys asked me to wear. I thought you were better than this. Plus, this is an audio-only podcast. Oh, but still this string bikini, you guys asked me to wear. I thought you were better than this. Plus, this is an audio-only podcast. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Wait, Eli, where are we? Oh, we're in the ninth dimension. The ninth dimension? Yeah, that's the cosmic realm. It goes fourth dimension, post-humus realm. That's where the ghosts and the super angels live.

And there's the fifth dimension, the realm of good. That's pretty much all angels. The sixth dimension, that's the realm of good. That's pretty much all angels. The sixth dimension, that's the realm of light. That's where evolved beings like Moses and Sir Isaac Newton are. Then there's the seventh dimension. That's the Bodhisattva realm. Those are your gods. The eighth dimension, the Tata-God-ha realm.

Also gods, but like super gods, the way they like Vishnu, sometimes some of the other gods as well. And then the ninth dimension, that's where we are, cosmic realm, this is where El Contare is. Does someone call for me? Oh, there he is. Oh my God, El, get in here, big guy. Come here.

Hey, bro. Sorry, who is this? Oh, right, sorry. Kara, this is El Contare. He's a super duper god and he's been, oh my gosh. Let's see. He was raw moon in the moon continent. He was thoth in Atlantis, uh, Riant Alcruid in the ancient Inkin Empire. That's what I'm dressed like now. Yes, he dresses like that most of the time. Oh, and he was a filious in Greece and then Hermes also in Greece. That's what this week's movie is about. But he was in Greece twice.

Sure was. I love that. You know, the flaming cheese thing with oil. Wait, what's that called? Sagannaki? Yeah, that's it. That's it. Thank you. Yeah, and then of course he was Buddha. And now he's the head of the happy science called in Japan. Yup.

Oh, also there's having and hell and stuff but that happens in the movie we don't need to. In the movie, I don't need to retread that ground. Wow, okay, well that honestly doesn't make this movie any clearer but nice to meet you I guess. Nice to meet you, big fat loved brain games. Oh thanks. Any word on another season? I'm not really allowed to talk about it. No, no, that's cool.

I got it. I got it. Is Keenan nice? Oh, yeah, he's lovely. Nice. Good. He seems nice. I'm the God of the universe.

Yeah, you mentioned that. OK. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pff you mentioned that. Okay. And we're back for the breakdown. I'm going to start off with a spaceship arriving on ancient earth because of fucking course we are. I mean, to be fair, my first notice, that's right, Cara. It's a two hour long anime, but then the movie starts with a spaceship landing on it. And Karen's first. My first notice, OMG, what did I agree to? I hate you guys so much.

And then immediately after, why don't the subtitles match the dubbing? Yeah, right. No, that jumps right out at you. So the movie tells us this is its opening premise. Every myth is based on a true story. Which is where I wrote. I think they misunderstand what the word myth me. Yeah, little bit. And I wrote possibly the dumbest thing you could say. It's a human look out of your mouth. It's so, but then they're like, you know, and myths change,

stories change over time, but not this one. This is a hundred percent a true story. And immediately after that, they say this is a hundred percent, we cut immediately to a golden feather flying between space lotuses and an infinite watery plane spawning into a goddamn Pegasus. Yeah. I wrote like all true stories. This one starts in the fifth dimension where the high spirits lived using feathers. And then I wrote, keep up, Cara, I can't explain everything. But the voiceover tells us that this story is going to take place in ancient creed 43 hundred years ago, right? Yes, this is important to remember. Yeah. Ancient history to the Minoans here.

So we follow this feather around the market for a bit for a scum style and eventually it lights on this old guy under a tree who's like, Oh, I have a quick prophecy everybody and everybody stops, right? Because that's what you did back then when somebody said that a prophecy and he explains that a hero will be born soon. That'll be like the main character in everything. Right. And they're like a princess coming,

a new principal be born, at which point I'm very confused. Is this about Jesus, but said in ancient Greece? Is it about Greek gods? Why is this a Christian movie? Why did you make me watch this? I hate you all. The interesting thing is that the answer to the first three questions you asked were all yes.

Yes, yes. And he was also Jesus. Yeah, sure was. But yeah, so he's like a prince will be born and then we cut immediately to a prince being born, which means that he probably saw the queen and knew she was pregnant, right? Yeah.

I want my notes. If the queen was pregnant, a king will be born is a pretty dumb fucking prophecy. I'll remake this movie where he does that prophecy and someone's like, yeah, Larry, we all know. Well, this is it. Get a job over it, over again in this movie, they do shit like this is like, it's your cartoon. It's not even just your movie, it's your cartoon. Your fucking prophecies can be amazing. Your magic

trace can be insane, but instead it'll use this fucking magic wand as a divining rod and shit constantly. This movie does that shit. So, okay, so we, we get the title, Hermes, Wins of Love or whatever the fuck it is. And then we cut to everybody being shown the new prince, Allah Simba's presentation and the Lion King. Oh, right. This is where all the misogyny starts within like minute three of the movie. Oh, yeah. For sure.

Like I want moms like I want him to be sweet and loving and they're like, no, he's going to be a warrior. I'm just going to have balls. Yeah. To be clear, the wise old, the wise old King's wife is like, I hope he is kind and gentle. And he's like, pussy, no, no, no. Yeah, he's gonna be a warrior. He's not gonna love art and music, and all that gay shit.

And then apropos of nothing is somebody's like, oh, and also King Minos, he is the bad guy in this part of the movie. He wants to take over all of Greece. You'll get that later, but I'm going to remind you of it now. Yeah. Well, so then we cut over to noses to Minos' palace. You can tell that we're going to the bad guy palace because it's nighttime there. It's much more poorly lit. That's how villains

exactly establish themselves. Also, this is the first time a cartoon is super Jewish looking and I was like, yikes, but I do want to get ahead of this now. They've just given everyone a stereotypical Jewish nose because they're Greek. So get ready for standard anime characters with a big ol' honk and shi in every scene. I didn't even get like, yes, this had anime vibes to it, but it also just felt like all the illustrated Bible stories that I watched in the 90s. Sure. Yeah. It was just like that. Yeah, yeah, except in Greece. Yeah, sort of a perfect amount of the two. Yeah. But the first of the cartoon Jews that we meet is gonna be the lackey.

He's sort of the kind of comic relief. He's the nerdy lackey of the great evil king, Minos. Why does every super ultra powerful king have to have like somebody with like severe social anxiety following him around? I've never understood that trope, but it always exists. It's like, um, sir, um, don't go to sleep. Here's the thing you need to know.

Like it's so irritating. And that's what he's going to do every time we see him for the entire movie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And the narrator cuts in, in case we haven't figured this all out to say, no, that guy, the evil king that you just saw, he's the bad guy. He's a tyrant, but the people prayed for a hero to come and save them from the tyrant.

Yeah. So for those of you wondering what levels of like explanation were on, they introduced him in the last scene. We see him in this scene and then they still felt the need to bring him the narrator to explain who he was. Yeah. This movie has a who he was. Yeah. This movie has a lot of narration. Right.

You take away the exposition. This movie is 17 minutes long. Yeah. Oh, God. If you take away the dramatic pauses, this movie is 17 minutes long. Yeah. No, that's what those 17 minutes are. That's the movie.

Occasionally, I'll admit, I watch our movies, especially when they're on YouTube, 1.25 speed, sometimes 1.5. I watched this on 4x speed and I missed nothing. It's not, it was just people having a normal conversation for the 20 minute movie I watched. So okay, so then we cut to 26 years later. So now I guess we're like you do. Yeah, we're 4,274 years ago. Yeah, they've just helping you out with the math there.

And we cut to Hermes. He's all grown up and he's on a white horse being chased by evil black horses while they have like a horseback sword fight. Yeah. Like you do horse scenes in regular movies are boring. So this is drawings of horse scenes. It actually, it's somehow more boring than a normal horse scene.

We're so on the same wavelength. Yeah, the world's slowest fight scene, I literally wrote, are all anime's this boring. I don't know what you're saying. Is this normal pace for a boring anime? Or is this extra boring? This one is extra boring, yeah. Okay.

Kara, we don't speak ill about anime in front of our audience. You're a little bit far away. Sorry, I might want to cut that out. Maybe in sunny Los Angeles, as you bathe by the pool, you can talk shit about anime, but we are the underground here. There are body pillows listening to this. And we think they're awesome. So, okay, the key though is that Hermes swords the swordiest and then he heads into town.

All the people gathered to get a glimpse of him and it's time for some fucking exposition. I love this vehicle so much, right? Because everybody's in town going like, oh, soon he will marry one. Maybe one of you lucky ladies will be his queen and these two kids show up. These two sprites. I hate these kids with a pelican. Oh, no, I have them as the pelican sprites for the rest of my notes. And they come in and they're like, no, no, he's going to marry Aphrodite.

I have read ahead in the script. He marries Aphrodite later. Da, she's the fucking and they give her backstory like in a way that would seem rushed if they were giving him a side quest, right? Yeah. Yeah. She was kidnapped and is being held by the evil king of Lindo's and someone's going to come and get her out of her cell someday and that will be her husband. And like to be fair, they don't just say it, they giggle it. They giggle everything.

They're so irritating, I want to punch them. Yeah, no. Kara wants to punch babies, you heard it here. I heard it. I heard it. Hate's anime. I stand by my comment. And then it's just, I do, it's fair.

Later in the episode, she's going to pretend to be a licensed therapist. It's a whole thing, everybody stays in. I hate you so much, you lie. But I also, this is in the moment in the movie where I realized that they're just going to use whatever fucking mythical names they feel like. Right, like when they did Minos and Hermes, I was like, okay, I guess those are kind of connected to the myth, but this is where they're like, and it's Princess Aphrodite and Prince Spaniacopeta and, and, and, and, and, and, and

master Tahini of the yogurt lands. And I'm just like, oh, we're just saying the Greek words and we order. We feel like. And also just the kids look up. There's a ship going by in the in the sea next to him. And it's got black flags. So you know, it's the bad guy ship. And the kids are like, oh, I bet those are both hostages being sent to be eaten by a minute or. Yeah, except they don't say minute or they say my

tour. And it makes me crazy. Yeah. Why do they pronounce it? Minotaur. Is it because dude's name is Minos? I think so. Is that the only reason? Yeah. I think that's what they're going for. But yes, to be clear, people are being sent to be eaten by a minotaur in this true story. So, okay.

So now we cut to Lindo's where Alfred's idea is swimming nakedly in the sea. No, this is road. Road is. Oh, yes, yes, we're in roads. Yeah. Roads, not Linda. Why do these places have to have names? Well, it's a good thing to confuse us.

They're real places, Karen. This really happened in real history. 4,300 years ago. Documentary. See, and all my notes at this beginning is like, I promise this isn't a hand-tight care. I press he board, but they've learned her boobs. Not a hand-tight. Wait, wait, this is like an important, okay,

this is an important thing to talk about here. I really want to talk about this. Why is it that like tits are okay, but they have to be like, Kendall tits. Like, they show boobs, but they can't have nipples because once they have nipples, but they have to be like, Kendall tits, like, the show boobs, but they can't have nipples, because once they have nipples, then they're sexual. When men can have nipples all day long,

like what, I don't understand this weird puritanical logic, and can somebody please explain it to me? I mean, well, it's very obvious. I don't know about you, but like, I fall into a blood rage when I see a female nipple, and like, I don't know, I am not responsible. I watch male nipples all day.

You show me a male nipple in isolation, totally fine. You Photoshop, male nipples onto female nipples. I'm totally fine. Female nipples anywhere in a vacuum. I'm, ah! Yeah, that was a good one. That was a good one, right? Yeah, that was a good one, right?

Obviously. And I have just, every bit complicated, a question to ask, is there some kind of fucking award that Japanese animation gives for orange, just cartoon water that this movie is angling for somehow? They were so proud of their ocean water animation. They made us look at it for so fucking long. Anyway, so average so we meet Aphrodite. She's being held, but we just, we just had this fucking backstory, right? We just got this exposition from the kids. And now we're going to go to see the exposition while the guards beneath her window tell us that exposition again. What's so badly for one of the guards to just be like, no, I heard

the earlier scene too. I would say that. It's the Pelican Sprites already glued us in the fairy kids. Yeah. But okay. So that night, Aphrodite is doing her hair by the wind. She's a woman, so she does her hair by the wind. By the wind. Karen, you do that, right? Every night.

You sit on the nearest. Yes. You sit on the nearest. Yeah, longingly. That's the way I go. Yeah, I'm waiting for my prince to come save me. They're exactly. Yeah, it's the way you're waiting. Longingly waiting for my prince to come save me. They're exactly well, it's precisely. She's watching Dolphins out the window.

She's like, you lucky little fuckers. I bet you swim wherever the hell you want. And this suddenly descends to a goddamn musical number about the moon and how free it is. I was so happy. I was so happy. I have no idea what happened because I just sat there picturing Cara

being like, oh, you know what? Then I was, oh man, it's a cartoon. I don't like this musical number. Bam! What's worse than anime? Musical anime. This is where I learned that you can just fast forward through the three full minutes of what language

were they singing in. It Japanese, I do believe. Yeah. I thought they were going for ancient Greek. I wasn't sure what that was supposed to be. Okay. Okay. That makes more sense. I can't say for sure that they weren't. Right. Because they didn't overdub any of the musical numbers. They just put subtitles.

Right. Exactly. And the subtitles they put about, I don't know if those are actually the lyrics, but they're so stupidly literal. Right? On all of the songs, they're just singing what their action is in that moment. But anyway, so she's singing about how someday her prince will come. And as she's doing it, she, you know, rides a flying dolphin in this true story. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, and she's lonely. We get it. Like the songs about being fucking lonely. Yeah.

But just as her reverie is ending, she notices that there's a dude rowing up to the shore. Dammit, if it isn't her prince coming to wave high or something. I love what you wrote here. Noah is said is weirdly not so shaped. What does that even mean? I always know it is. It's got a real triangle vibe.

It's sort of like a Dorita with eyes going on there. We first see him. The animators were struggling on this one, right? Because they were constantly like, wait, is that supposed to be the same guy we saw earlier? He looks different from the left side in the right. I didn't know that animators could be racist against Greek people until I saw this movie. Not show headed is a slur in the animation studios of Japan apparently.

You're fucking Dorito. So, so herbys comes up to her window and he's like, Hey, I'm the main character. You're the love interest come to your window, but she's not so sure about this because he comes from the same island as the evil king, Minos, right? She literally just sang a song about how someday someone will come for her and he's like, Hey, it came for you. And she's like, now, yeah, she blows out her light. She's like, what not you? Not your headed freak. But before she blows out her light

for some reason, a moth dies by suicide in it. Yes. What was that? What was that scene? To be fair, he probably heard the singing. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. All right.

So then we cut to a bullfighter. It's not a bullfight, it's a bull tease. No, you got it. You got to talk about the backstory first. Well, so, but we get the bullfight and then we flash back into the backstory right from the bullfight. Yeah, I don't, I didn't really watch this whole movie. Right. No, I understand. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, so King Minos is watching this bullfighting. He's thinking back about when he became so obsessed with bulls and wouldn't you know it, it's when he had a Minotaur kid. Now, look, I'll talk about it in a second,

but this flashback is better and less crazy than the actual Greek myth about the origins of the Minotaur. No, that's fair. Okay. So, yeah,'s his wife was pregnant and the the doctor comes out and he's like, Okay, this is going to be weird. I just if you

want to sit down for a second, I don't, I don't cover this one in medical school, right? And then we get the dad blowing up. He's like, how the fuck did I have a half bowl kid? The doctor says, I don't maybe your wife fucked bowl. I shouldn't have bull kid. The doctor says, I don't maybe your wife fucked a bull. Oh, I shouldn't have said that.

Sword stab. Oh yeah, because then he murders him. Yeah. He just murders him like you do when you're mad. To be fair, that's on the doctor. That's Ben Seidman or 101. Yeah. You're the dead people dentist here.

When is it appropriate to tell someone their disability as due to their mother's unfaithful? Yeah. But okay, okay, riddle me this. Well, you guys help me understand this. So I'm trying to figure out where we are in time because time matters usually. Sure, yeah.

So basically, Minos is the father of a minotaur, Minotaur as they call it. And at the beginning of the movie, Minos looks like a dude. But for the rest of the movie, Minos wears like a lucha libre mask. Of a ball. Of a ball.

With a big bull nose, yeah. Right, but they say that this happened when he had the kid. I'm very confusing. But at the beginning of the movie, the kid was already had. Right. Why was he not in his bull mask from the beginning? Yeah I'm very confusing. But at the beginning of the movie, the kid was already had. Right. Why was he not in his bull mask from the beginning? Yeah, I very, very.

Honestly, I think the movie didn't realize that, right? Like the movie was like- Oh, they're making it up as they go. Yeah, yeah. Uh-huh. Also, weird that he wore a bull mask ever since his son was born with a bull's head, that would be like me wearing a hat shaped like a giant ear tube for the rest of my house. This curse has come upon my toddler, which

is why I always wear this empty carton of raspberries upon my head. So remember his great curse. Also though, he says, you know, he's like, oh, I will lock my mutated minotaur child and his mother in a I'll build a great Labyrinth and they'll never find their way out. I'm like why have a way out? Why not just Build a big room and lock the door Why would you give him a fight and I don't want him to be bored down there them a fight and I don't want him to be bored down there. It's so weird. And okay, are we to understand that he has like bull DNA in him? I don't.

And that's why he had a bull kid. Well, I'm so glad you asked, Cara, because I have been sitting here salivating for my chance to repeat the actual myth that is the origin of the Minotaur. Don't worry, it's only a couple of sentences long. You see, the God Poseidon gives Minos a beautiful white bull. And Minos loves it so much that he doesn't sacrifice. He sacrifices it a different cow instead, which pisses Poseidon off. So Poseidon makes Minos' wife fall in love with the bull.

And the wife comes to Minos, this is 100% the real Greek myth, she comes to the, and she's like, I really want to fuck that bowl. And he's like, what? And she makes him build a giant wooden cow that she hides in the white bull foxer. And she gives birth to a minotaur.

That is the actual Greek origins of the minotaur. That's in the Harvard dictionary of Greek mythology. Yeah, but to be fair, they didn't know. They didn't understand science made sense. Yeah, no, I mean, what woman has it dreamed of climbing into a wooden cow costume and being fucked by, come on, Eli. I was going to say, Kara's lack of reaction. They're deeply disturbing. Well, because, let's not get I'll judge you on everybody's king. All of a sudden, I'll get it.

Right. Exactly. Like who am I? Who am I to judge? But also to be fair. Like, I know, and you'll see this throughout all of my notes. And I try to always kind of, I only, when I do these recordings, I'm like, how often do I get to like hit the big red button and go, misogyny.

Misogyny. Backed out test because it gets old after a while, right? But like, there's just this understanding that all this shit was written by men. So no, I'm not surprised that a man thought a white woman would want to fuck a bull. Right. Because it's men who are looking up women fucking bullporn on mine. Right? Fair, right?

Okay. Now it feels like protest too much in the other direction. Like we can't care she's like yes, man, it's all men and everyone should stop searching for anyone who might or might not be looking up bull porn right now. So Eli sure. All right, so but the key is though is that minus is so upset that he had a half bull child that he becomes an atheist, right?

He says, I shall not believe in the gods anymore and be an atheist. And there's like thunder crashes in the background. Classic path to atheism, your son is born as a cow. Yeah. Exactly. Oh, but he doesn't just say that. He says, if I'm being punished, I will no longer believe in a god. And I will conquer all of Greece myself. Right. Yeah. That's also his motivation for being a guy. Well, right. Goes when your kid is born half, well, you know, you got to, you got to find new hobbies. Just take your mind off it.

Yeah. Yeah. I get it. So we, we back out of the flashback, we're back at the bullfight. This is also where we meet Ariadne. That's a minus his daughter. She cuts in to say like, yeah, he used to be a great dad, but then, you know, my brother was born with a, with the whole bull thing and he's been a real shit since then, right?

It's always tough to be the younger child. All right. So, so meanwhile, so her bees is sailing back to Lindo's to go see his, his crush again. His advisor is like, it's too dangerous. You can't go to Lindo's and he's like, oh, come on. This is the 13th time we've gone to Lindo's, dude. How dangerous could it really be? That's so funny.

It's like a bad improv sketch. There's no master, this could be dangerous. No, it's not dangerous. Oh, well then why did I say that line in which all the lines are written down and chosen on purpose? Well, and also, we're to believe at this point that he's gone to her window 12 times to serenator

And she's just blown out the lamp every time and pretended not to be home. Dude, she's not in to you Right, this is the point where like do you guys remember that weird rapy western that you guys made me watch? Yes, haha. Yeah, this is that an anime form Right, what is it? Same plot? Mormon levels of stalker hood, right? He starts talking about the special bond. He's never seen her, right? And he's like, but we see her, a special bond

that was forged before the heavens were even made. And it's just like, no, dude, you're a fucking stalker, right? Yeah. But we cut to Aphrodite. And again, it's all men writing this. So of course she's, but she does secretly Aphrodite and again, it's all men writing this. So of course she's busy does secretly want him to show back up. She does actually share the secret bond with him. So she looks at her window. She sees him. He's coming. He's rowing through an absolute

fucking hurricane at this point, right? It's actually pretty funny. He's like, I'm coming up. Sorry, not larger. Not a lot of more waves than I thought when I was on the bigger boat. I'm actually not getting closer to you. I'm rowing my ass off when I'm just staying right in a chance. You'd be willing to swim halfway. I'll come get you. Well, and I think his boat is supposed to crash on the rocks or something here, but they couldn't afford the animation. So we just see her like see something bad happening and throw herself on the bed to weep. Yeah, the sound effects were really not great here because it was him struggling to row being like, and then she goes, oh, no, and starts to cry. And that's when my wife came downstairs and said, what did we say about watching porn full volume

while the baby is sleeping? So yeah. But but he makes it to the shore and now he's going to do a musical number. He's going to sing about the plot in hilariously literal lyrics. It's so funny. It's so I am Hermes and you are Aphrodite. I wrote my notes. Strong start. Strong. Also, let me just say because at this, I was watching it to X speed.

If you watch this musical number on to X speed, he fucking shreds on that. He's like, yeah, right. Yeah. So, yeah. So he sings, and he sings so good that she, she's like, all right. Well, now I, now I like him. So she like blinks a light at him seductively from the window. He runs up. She throws down a scroll, right? And I so wanted him to open it up.

And there's like, do you like me? Check this box thing with a check over it or something. But no, instead she's thrown down a note that says she's going to try to escape on the night of the next full moon. And if he comes back, he can help her, right? See, if it was me, that note totally would have said she had a boyfriend and that they were serious. Really wish you would stop. I appreciate that you wrote that whole song. It's not going to be useful for you later. You don't want to spoil our friendship. What I haven't met you. I said, I don't want to spoil. But just then sensing perhaps that the kids

were getting bored, some guards show up and Hermes has to karate them away, right? He has he like karate fights them and then he runs away. Okay. I don't want to stop us for too long, but I do want to point out that this grab the arm hip throw will be the only move any of the anime characters in this entire film. I did they get it as like a bonus back like you can apply this judo throw to any anime model free by three hip throws and get one free. They forgot that this is a movie and not a video game. And yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, just quit your smash and X man. Just don't just smash X. We're not

to use your fucking shield. He's just ducked down waiting for the guards to come over so he can upper cut them. Cheating, cheating. So it's actually the strongest move in the entire arch. So, so, okay. So, yes, so, but he gets away and then and Aphrodite, he overhears the guards saying they've got away, right? did you get them and they're like no And they punches the guard the face for not getting them and in case we thought that her ms was gonna get away and be like ah Fuck it. It looks like that's gonna be a whole big thing. We hear his voice like his inner fucking dialogue saying I will come back on the night of the full moon and rescue you and we're like yeah, we figured you moon and rescue you and we're like, yeah, we figured you

Anyway, so okay, so then we cut back to her room the evil kidnapper king goes into seat She's like, hey, you didn't throw him a fucking note or anything during that whole ordeal did you she's like, no, I don't know anything Did you throw him a note? You know, oh she folds this, she started blies. Oh, yeah, just lies. Yeah, she's like I've never never know. Oh, she folds just, she started to blouse. Oh, yeah. Just lies. She's like, I've never never, never do. Oh, she can't hang me on. No. So weird. I wouldn't even have thought of doing that. Yeah. But they're like, Oh, we're going to need to guard him extra. So the next scene will be even more action packed. Yep. And then we introduce, I'm going to say a character. It's this, it's this golden cloud of smoke that's going to float around and represent El Cantari, the goddess of all gods, right?

Oh, is that what that is? Yes. Okay. But here's the thing though, is that gold is too close of a color to like a brownish green for this not to just look like a visualized fart cloud does look like a kind of a renn and Stimpy fart. Yeah. A renn and Stimpy fart that represents God.

This will be problematic more than what's always like engulfing their faces. Yeah. Yeah. So all right. Yeah. But we see the gold fart cloud come in and it brings some butterflies to Aphrodite and she sees them fly away as like a symbol of her freedom or something. I think it also gives her telepathy because I feel like they're just communicating now

with their minds. That's entirely possible. Oh. Like, they're not because they don't talk ever, but they know what each other is up to. Right, yeah. It was a very extensive note. So this movie's in a fucking hurry apparently. So we cut the night of the next full moon. Hermes is arriving back at the island to save her. Right. First he has to like sneak past all the

metal gear guards, I guess. Yeah. And again, like they immediately have him come back. So one does wonder why they had him leave to come back in the first way. It's like, right. No, we really need to work in the butterfly fart. So you're going to have to cut that scene and redo it shot for fucking shot. Right. So he, so he, so he gets to her window. She throws down a rope. He climbs up. I mean, why are you coming up? Right? Like, would you, wouldn't you just come down?

Oh, right. I get which means if she throws down the rope, that means she has had the power to escape this entire time. Right. She just needed a butterfly fart invitation or something. Yeah. Well, she is a dumb woman. Like, that's true. Yeah. She's like, she needed a butterfly fart invitation or something. Yeah. Well, she is a dumb woman. Like, that's true. That's true. Yeah, she's like, she needed a man to come rescue her. We know how this works.

I so want, because he started climbing up. I so wanted her to be like, meet him halfway and go like, why would you come up? It doesn't, we're the people who are escaping. You don't have to be in the prison for that. But yeah, so he climbs up. They see each other for the first time they're engulfed by a giant golden fart. He kisses her. Now, to be clear, she has just asked for his help escaping. I feel like he's making a lot of assumptions here with

this kiss. Make it real awkward. We cuts quickly over to his grumpy, manned arms nervously waiting on the boat. He's like, Oh, he hasn't returned yet. I guess this scene is very suspenseful, huh? And I was like, yeah, very suspenseful. And then we go back to Hermes and Aphrodite in the room. Now, I wrote in my notes, oh, Hermes proposes, that was quick, but he doesn't. He retroactively proposes. He tells her that they're going to get married and that she already agreed to do so in pre-heaven. Oh yeah, this is where it gets very Mormon. Yes, I was going to say, right? I was a little confused because I have this thing. When you grow up Mormon, things are confusing.

And I think I've mentioned this to you guys before. I remember being a little kid and kids would say something about the Bible. And I'd be like, yeah, like Nephi and the Lmanite. And they'd be like, what the fuck is that? Because like they teach it to you like it's all the same. Right. And so sometimes even as an adult, I hear things and I'm like, wait, is that a Mormon thing or is that an every weird Christian thing? But this is like a Mormon thing, right? Yeah. Yeah. The whole pre-heaven being united. I'm pretty sure. Yeah. But happy science cult is just the most buffet of cults. So they probably just took that from, from Mormonism.

Yeah. Joseph Smith is in one of the heavens as well. Yeah, he's, he's, he's the same heaven with Jesus. Yeah. So they just, anything, anything goes just, yeah, I heard, I heard a thing once. Let's write that in. Yeah. This is a real whole pot of spaghetti at the wall religion.

Yeah, exactly. So okay, but the guards hear that he's in there. And so like now the alarm goes off the alarm is made of wood, which seems inefficient, right? They're banging this. I have no idea why they included it because like quick sound the alarm. Thwack. Thwack. I guess if he's not in the next room over, he's not going to hear that, huh, it's not going

to wake anyone up. I wanted so badly a flashback to them at Pier one importance. Oh, the gong is 89.99. Hear me out. I we can get this live laugh love sign for 12. How much louder can hitting a different thing be? So there's sound in the alarm. Hermes and Aphrodite are hauling ass. The army's right behind him.

Hermes has to fight off some of the army with his slow motion sword skills and his hip throw. Hip throw. And there's no like a dialogue through any of these fight scenes. So it's just music, weird animation, and panting. There's so much fight panting and grunting. Like this whole movie is just people going, eh. Ugh.

Oh, I haven't minded so often. Ooh, he's edging, yeah. Yes, yes, yes. Oh my god, maybe that's what they did. They just pulled audio from they did they just pulled And nobody's gonna notice yeah, no, that make a lot of sense. Oh my god my wife noticed Okay, but so they leap from a cliff his boat is at the bottom of the cliff and they say so they start to get away on his. The archers are above them on the cliff, but they have stormtrooper aims. So they're fine.

Unfortunately, though, Lindos is Navius, right on their asses, and they have tri-reams. So you know, it's fucking trouble for them. Oh, and had you noticed at the whole time that he's like riding in his boat and rowing, he's only rowing on one side. Yes, I wanted so badly for a Japan back in his inner circle. Yeah, I'm just pinning them in a circle. Oh, I just figured out why they're getting in on us and I feel like I'm fucking idiot, guys, I'm sorry.

Like they're behind us before now, they're in front of us and we're gaining on that weight, weight, hold on. Maybe they'll think that we're chasing them. No, it's not, you know what, I just wait, hold on. Maybe they'll think that we're chasing them. No, no, you know, I just switched sides as well. So, but he gets back to his boat in just inside, but there's no wind, dammit. And just when they think that they're going to get caught, the magical fart shows up and it jumps into the sail and they have wind. So once again, you have

God himself on your side and the best you could do for a miracle was there was wind on the Mediterranean sea. Yep. Yep. But hermys and Aphrodite get away. That's the key. They, they, they ride off to live happily ever after, which means that this movie just ran out of plots. So I feel like it needs a break to come up with a new one. And we've earned a break too. So we'll be back in a minute with even more of Hermes. Winds of love. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Hey podcast listener, I'm Eli Bosnick, and I'm No Illusions. As you know, Kara has since rescinded her lie about being a dentist for dead people. You said that. You did. And she apologized for saying, quote, the second your hospice runs out, I'll kill you myself with my bare hands, end quote. Never said that, not once.

But apparently she is a licensed therapist. So perhaps she can debunk a few myths about this week's sponsor, BetterHelp. So tell us, Cara, what's BetterHelp? Well, the first myth I'll debunk is that I'm a licensed therapist because I'm still in training, so I don't have my license.

But beyond that, if you're thinking of giving therapy a try, BetterHelp is a great option. It's convenient, flexible, affordable, and entirely online. You just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist, unlike myself, and switch therapist any time for no additional charge. Already lying about being a license therapist. And is it true that a therapist will hypnotize you into eating your own fingers? What?

No, no, Eli, that's not true at all. All right, you heard it here first, folks. Kara and the folks at BetterHelp promised not to hypnotize you into eating your own fingers. I mean, yes, but I feel like that's not in the ad copy they sent over. If you want to get closer to the best version of yourself, therapy can help you get there. Visit betterhelp.com slash awful today to get 10% off your first month. That's better help H E L P dot com slash awful.

Better help. leave your delicious fingers alone. I cannot believe they pay you guys for these right right there she is Frank to princesses window. Oh, you know, she was kidnapped seven years ago and she's just been held here ever since. Had her ever since. Yeah. Everything okay. Yeah, ago and she's just been held here ever since. Hella here ever since. Yeah. Everything okay? Yeah, man, it's just every night when we pass by the Princesses window, you say this exact same thing. And it's like, I also work here.

I know whose window that is and how long she's been there. Right. Right. I see. I just, are you sure you didn't hurt yourself when you fell off that parapet last week? I, I, I, yeah, I'm fine. Oh, hey, look! What? That there is the princesses window. Oh, okay, let's get you to the doctor, buddy.

You know, she was kidnapped seven years ago and she's been here every day since. Yep, this way, bud. This way. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Minos' lackey, telling him about that last scene where Aphrodite escaped. Apparently he wanted her for his own, because, you know, she's the woman in the movie. And to be fair, the only other one is his daughter.

So I get it. But he's a wife. He's a wife. Yeah, she's an elaborate, though. Yeah, she's ruined. Yeah. Cause she made a cow, baby. Right. I want to be one of those shitty guys cheating on his wife, like, sitting there next to Aphrodite. Yeah. You know, now that she's in the labyrinth, we barely talk anymore. And it's just really hard.

It's really hard. But the lackeys in trouble for not helping Hermes rescue Aphrodite. And then we, we cut back to the two of them. They're getting married. The whole city's rejoicing. They have the worst honeymoon ever, which is to watch other people rejoicing from a chair. Yeah. That's what you do. I was still confused at this point.

I noticed because I wrote, okay, so help me understand the two different bad guys. One is a cow, but no, I'm realizing they're the same birds. Well, so no, but they are fucking with you here, right? Because the king of Lindo's is also a bad guy. He's the one that kidnapped Aphrodite. So we do have two different Greek king, tyrant bad guys. And one of them is in a mask. And both their names end Ose.

So, you know, yeah. So I was right. I was right. Two different bad. And both their names and Ose. So, you know. Yeah. So I was right. I was right. Two different bad guys, both with similar kind of missions because bad guys only ever have one thing on the mind and then one is a cow and that's how we can tell the difference. Or he's an account mask. Yes.

Okay. And also, I have to point this out, the Pelican is their flower girl. Yes. Favorite character in the movie. Throwing it out there right now. Really hoping he got a betrayal. Arquie did not. No, we never see him again. Even we see the sprites and we never see their fucking pelican friend.

It's like they killed and ate him. Yeah, it's weird. It turns out he was Jewish. There was a really weird meeting right before they come to Hermes. They were like, no, we can tell. And he was like, what do you mean? They were like, I'll see. That's why you have no lines. All right. So then we cut to like, Aphrodite and Hermes on a date at the Hill of Luke Cargo, which by like Google has never heard of.

So I'm assuming this is something that the happy science cult guy made up because he didn't know like. But everything was something he made up. What the hell in Greece was called. Well, but like he was trying to do something historical, you know, the great hill in Greece where the gods live and nobody could come up, he's the hill of, Luke, cargo,

that sounds great. That sounds great. Yeah. Well, here's a problem. When your entire religion is shit, some guy made up, you can't exactly edit, you know, it's like, did you also wanna go over the sixth dimension? No, you know what?

Luke Cargo's. Yeah, it's stick with Luke Cargo. No, well, so yeah, Karen knows all about that. She grew up more. Yeah, this feels weirdly familiar to me. Yeah. So, go on. Right. So, so they're on the hill. The Pelican Sprite Kids show up and they're like, hey, we're that we would be here, huh? And they're like, yeah, it is weird that you would be here. Then like, you know, the gods live on this hill. And like, is that what the Japanese cult leader told you's like, sure is? And we're sticking to it. And then they disappear. They look, they're

like, hey, look at the water animation. We spent a lot of money on that, huh? And while they're looking at the water animation, the kids disappear like Batman style. Yeah. I wanted so badly for them to look back, find their mangled bodies at the bottom of a cliff. Oh, shit. Oh, no. Holy disappeared. Nope, they fell. Oh, shit.

Pelican let them. Yeah. Pelican just flapping. Who's the June now? Happy Hanukkah, everybody. Slice away. All right. I want his spin off movie now.

It's called Hobgoblins. But just then a dark cloud overtakes them and lightning crashes all around them. Right. So they hide in the cave. I've been cutting a lot of rainstorms never found a handy cave nearby. He goes, it looks like an oh man, I'm like, come down man, listen, a fucking storm. And then just then like a dude rises out of the storm, like a giant guy.

Yes. And then I'm like, well, now it looks like an oh. So, so a giant orange tornado, God shows up to filament on the next salient plot point. And and I love Hermes reaction. So I guess I'll have for Diny passes out because she's a woman. She doesn't need to be part of this thing. Obviously sure. Yeah. But Hermes, he says, you know, I am, you know, the God and you are to take that on this mission. And Hermes goes, well, why should I believe what you have to say? He's like, I am currently a giant orange twerning. I appear in a ball of lightning. I don't get the question, man. You know what? Maybe do

the skepticism after you hear what he has to say. Hear him out. But yes, this is the great God of creation, Ophelulus. Lord Ophiulus. Lord Ophiulus. Yeah. Again, not a real Greek God, just something that the Japanese cult leader guy made up, because he didn't know what the Greek God of creation was. Yes, all I wrote was Lord Ophiulus. There are too many characters.

That's what I was just done. I'm done. I can't keep up. This is why I don't like Tolkien. This is why I can't watch fantasy, you guys. There's too many characters. Oh, don't shit about Tolkien. Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, I think this is going to have to be our last episode with you guys.

Listen, I guess I'll give you this. Just throughout that bald man don't look good with GoTis, Kara. While you're here, just burn it all down. Just burn it all down. At least. That's fine. Just how I feed my baby. I'm sorry, I think this is going to have to be our last episode with you guys. Listen, I guess I'll give you this. while you're here, just burn it all down. Just burn it all down. At least.

That's fine, just how I feed my baby. At least talking, there's like maps and shit in the back of the book. Right, right. Like, there's like a key to all of this. Like, you can read about the lore and like be like, okay, this is a guy who's like related to this guy and this is their role. But like, why do we have to make a whole new world? It's confusing.

No, it's confusing. Well, and also, it's never to any purpose, right? Because when Ophelia shows up, he's like, you are to fight the great King of my notion overthrown. He's like, yeah, dude, I was gonna do that. He's so stupid. He's like, what is the good thing to need him? And then it becomes a whole Trinity thing later

where he's like, I am you, but I'm not you and you're me and it gets kind of sexy. I just feel like, like basically what I wrote here and I apologize because I know that I sound like a broken record on every fucking episode of this show that you guys invite me on, but like men are so dumb, this is such a dumb man movie. And I don't know how to not make this about gender, but this is only, this is all about

gender. This is just dumb man stuff. Right. The woman in this scene passes out until all of the stuff is done. Happily. Fell asleep like they started a Netflix movie and she said she was fine. Well, now you understand why? Yeah, right. So okay, but he's like, but you you're gonna fight off the great king

Minos and you're gonna take out his army. So we cut him strategizing with his man in arms and he's like, what we're gonna need to do is develop a number of strong alliances with the other city states. And I'm like, oh, that'll make for an exciting movie. Well, I wrote my notes. Wait, Hermes is the first king to think of working together against the big guy. Yeah. Yeah. But they're going to start. He's like, where should we start a diplomacy? He's like, with the Athenian prince, the C.S. and he's like, you, you sure we need another character at this point in the movie. He's like, we need six or seven more characters at this point in the movie. I actually can believe that. No, I remembered some Greek names. We remembered them. We got to use them. What I love here is that you guys are so deep into the plot. Like you're writing about

like ancient Greek city state diplomacy, and you have all the guys names, they're theses and then the guy from Athens and literally I wrote, oh, is King Minos the Minotaur? No wait, that's his son. This is how deeply invested I am. This is why you need this movie, Simmerleli. Yes. All right, and so,

and we have this needlessly confusing moment, right? Where we're having sort of a flash forward flash back at the same time, right? I'll go easy on you and just tell you audience what happens chronologically. So then Hermes goes to Thesius and he says, Hey, do you want to join my team and help take out Minos? And they cook up a plan that involves Thesius pretending to be one of the sacrifices to the Minotaur. I'm sorry the Minotaur and Yeah, using that as a way to sneak into Minos' palace, right? Yeah, but the movie doesn't bother to show us that it just shows us a character

We've never met on a boat and the guys making this movie were like, don't worry, no illusions is gonna explain it to the world. We're very aware of how many people watch our movies on YouTube and it's just Noah Eli and this third lady who they're torturing. Yeah, pretty big percentage of it. So yeah, so they unload these. Yes, and all the other prisoners, they send it to the lab. But on the way, I guess everybody has to say hi to King Minos on the way and make small

talk. Yeah, that's weird. What a weird policy. I would bring these slaves to my island to be fed to my beef son, but, but I will do a meet and greet first if people want to get anything. Signed on some sharkootary. I'm eating great first if people want to get anything signed. The cheese plate. Maybe some sharkooterie. Yes. And they get here.

Maybe we could do some ice breakers. Like I'm minus the Minotaur. Yes. Well, that one really fucks with me. But you know, who wants to do a quick game of Zipzaps up before I feed you to myself? This is like, I love this in these movies that are so convoluted and confusing where I ask a question and then the very next scene

answers it. So one of the questions I asked at this point was, all of the animated characters in this movie are men. There's so many male characters, there's so many soldiers, right? And slaves and everything. And they're like three women. There's like the daughter, the wife, and the princess.

Are there any other women at this point? That's it, right? We saw his, we saw like a Hermes mom for like half a scene, but yes, that's it. Okay, okay, so there's three and a half women in this movie. And I was like, where are they hiding all the women? Cut to the underground lab room. Full of flames.

Yeah. Like, oh, there they are. Where are the damsels? Why they're in distress. Yes. And then later we find more women in hell. You're right. Yeah.

So, but while they're doing their little meet and greet with the king, the lackey comes in and he's like, Hey, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Hermes has raised a great army and they're right on, like over the hill, getting ready to march on our city. And my nose is like, damn it. I'll lead the army against him myself. So he marches off with the army and leaves his palace unprotected with theses right there. Oh, that was dumb. Right. Now, apparently off screen at some point, they hooked up with Ariadne and worked out a deal with her. Keep in mind, this movie is yada yada yada yada.

The takeover and overthrow of Minosus Palace when we've had two, I love you musical movers. Yeah, you know, they get to the same two characters. Yeah. So, so Ariadne comes, she releases these years from his cell and she's like, Hey, I heard you're here to kill my dad. And I'm like, how did she? Is that just town gossip? I said the same thing. Yeah, it's like it's labrins gossip. It's like the hot gossip. I've heard around the labyrinth that, uh, yes. I'm not going to get the kids back into it. So the two of them have to go down to the lab to free the host. And she's like, yeah, no, we're going to make it.

It'll be just fine. It won't be that dangerous at all. So you take this thread, I'll wait here at the door. I guess I'm a lady. And that's bull did not wind itself, okay? Yeah, that's fair. She also played a part. So, so then we watch these. Yes, we watch a cartoon walk

around a labyrinth in the near complete dark for a while. So that's fun. Yeah, just like letting out little little bits of string. No, no, let left drawing go left drawing. Yeah, the relate just the relic. But eventually he comes across a big pile of skeletons and the hostages are there and he's like, hey, just follow the string and they're like, really is it gonna be that easy? This is the whole fucking scene. Yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna hip throw the a minute

or a couple of times, but other than that, yeah. And the minute or it doesn't look like a minute or it looks like the fucking beast from Beauty and the Beast. Yeah. It looks exactly like him. Yeah, no, I had him as Wolf Barabal Demon. Yeah, that's what beast looks like. Right, yeah, exactly.

Maybe they should have just kissed him, and then he would have become a human again. I'll see, I love that this movie really stuck to its guns morally. It's like, remember, kids, sometimes disabled people who are thrown into the basement by their parents are the monsters. Those parents pretty soon to be in. It's just like Craig Abbott, you know. And we need to come murder them and free the monster slaves.

Yeah. Cause that's what happens. It's not really, it's pretty anticlimactic. It's like monster fight, stab, death. Well, and it's even less climactic than you're making it sound because, because during the fight, someone and we never find out who for all I know it was the magical fart. Someone fires a bunch of spears at the wolf bear bull demon. When he's about to win and then while he's recovering for that, Thesia stabs him in

the head. Yep. So he cheats. And then he's just dead. I feel like he just, and then the fucking labyrinth starts collapsing because apparently it was the Minotaur's vitality that kept it up. I don't know how fucked that was about. But he runs out.

Meanwhile, Minos' army is marching out to the field and back at the palace, a few guys like, I guess their Marines or whatever are setting the place of flame. Yeah. Right? It's an old biblical tactic. I guess their Marines or whatever are setting the place of flame. Yeah. Right. It's an old biblical tactic. So the army rushes back to like, oh, our palaces are fair. They rush back and when they start rushing back, that's when Hermes is army attacks. While their back is turned, huh?

Heroically. At this point, I just wrote, oh my God, I'm so bored. War is so boring. Yeah, it is. This is so boring. It is. It is. It's just a lot of war. Just like, I could, like, keep going. Yeah. Right.

I could follow the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, those people as they try to flee to put out the flaming homes where they left their families, right? Minos gets back to his palace, and Thesias is there to fight him. Now, I didn't realize this was Thesias

because these animators are really bad at making characters look like the same guy in multiple different environments. Yeah, all the guys look the same. Thesias, Hermes, and then there's one other guy, right? And all three of them look like the same person. It's the only thing that distinguishes one character from the other is hair color to me. Yeah. Mm-hmm. So, but these fights, Minos for a little while, Minos is on horseback, though. So, you know, he's got a bit of an advantage. And right as these he is, it's

about to die. Hermes shows up and he fights and they have a horsey fight. Well, what's, what's amazing about this scene, because again, the choreography is so boring here, but it's the classic, like, I'm about to hit you with my sword, ting! Not so fast, except Hermes is also on a sword, so that he has to sort of counter his sword backwards and be like, all right, now we can do horse sword fight.

Oh, I can't, no, I was like, I was like, you guys need to dismount until then you can only go two up and one over. This is a never catcher. I like that. Wait, no, mathematically, we can get to the same square. Just wait. You go away. I know it's going to seem counterintuitive, but at least built a bomb.

But, but anyway, so the building starts to collapse around them. Hermes grabs Thesis and rides away. Cackling old Minotaur mom comes out of the labyrinth and she's like, huh, they got you. They set us on fire. Okay. Cackling Minotaur mom with the shakeable arcade arcade prize laughed. What a fucking insane show. Like what bottom of the barrel basement? Do they find her voice? Yeah. No, so but she, but she cackels the castle falls down around them and kills

Minos and then Hermes and Thesius ride to, you know, freedom or whatever. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, right. Yeah. That's the best I can do for that one. So, so you might be wondering to yourself, what's the movie about? Well, don't worry, the movie is also wondering that. So the next day, everybody gets back to city. Arianne. Where? city. Yeah. Right. I think this is my job. My job is weird. But they get back to the town where Hermes is from.

And Ariana looks real sad and Hermes says, yeah, you know, Ariana, her dad died, her mom died, her brother died. And he's like, and, and, and, and these things like, don't worry, I'm going to marry her. And he's like, oh, yeah, no, that's how we're going to fix it. She clear it right now. Bitches love a wedding. Truck me. Trust me. They love a wedding. Are you going to exit the movie and never be seen again? Yeah, we both are. We're both going to exit the movie and never be seen again. So yeah. So then and I guess Hermes is going to move his capital

to some other city now that will never matter. Right, this is like, they're approached to power and this movie is so insane. And like the sad thing is, it's probably quite realistic. Literally, these are all like 25 year old young dudes, hernies and Thesias is that his name? Yeah. Both of them are like the same guy with different colored hair, they're like Legos.

And they're just like these privileged young guys who are like, I think I want to rule over there now. So I'm going to go over there and extract a bunch of resources. And then it's just like high fives all around like everyone's okay with it. Like what? What is this? No, the narrator cuts in and tells us you knew and Hermes did very well and at a unified Greece, he wrote, you can see him here riding around in his kingdom, checking on its various goats. I guess this narration felt like a Christmas card for the fuck up son.

Right, you ever get the Christmas card here? And here is Josh doing his best at the quick shop where he works and sleeps. This is the... We didn't have a picture of him because of the restraining order, but we do have this profile picture from Facebook. It doesn't... I... It's made into the card. But so now he's finished his mission and he's walking around and he sees Ophelia's

and Ophelia's is like, I have shown up with the second mission for you. He's like, good, because we have no plot at all. At this point, he says, your next mission is to learn all about happy science called theology. Your next mission is to explain our religion to the kids we got involved in the Santa May. Yes. God. And he literally responds with I still don't understand you and me both. Well, he starts by doing Greek meditation, but even even the happy science guy knows that Greece didn't have meditation. So he's like you must sit and think, which not think. Sit and not think, yeah, exactly. I love the weird left turn into Zen Buddhism and like mindful meditation.

It's so great. Yeah, right in the middle of ancient Greece. It's just like, what is happening? Yes, he goes, you gotta do Greek meditation. Also, you gotta keep a gratitude journal. Yeah. I thought, I thought King Ophelia was going to be like, don't go to bed angry. Big glass of water. He does before every meal. He does say don't go to bed angry. That's one of his fucking comments. And then we

watch him. We watched the cartoon. We watch it drawing. We do. You know the only thing more boring watching a living breathing human meditate watching it drawing. Because that's nothing. That's nothing. That's just a still. Yeah. Yeah.

Right. That's a fucking picture. So and as he meditates, the filmmaker says, all right, I feel like mom and dad are out of the room now. We can hit him with the weird shit and we hit him with the weird shit. This is where Hermes has this. Well, he's going to have his great epiphany. First he has to, we have to have him like trying to meditate, but his mind keeps, you know,

wandering to other things or whatever. Really wanted effort. Had you to come in and try and quietly put the laundry away right next to him. What are you doing? You know I'm meditating. I just came down to, I was just going to do a quiet. It's like for 10 minutes, 10 minutes, all I need, my fucking life. But yeah, he said, but we hear him in his mind.

I just, I love this line so much. He goes, I need to train my mind to be as clear as a mirror. What? That's not what? You can't see, you know that that's like not on the other side. That's you that you're looking at when you look at it. Yeah, see opposite. Not just so clear.

There it is that other guy I always see so clearly looking to a mirror. But apparently he gets there, right? Because he meditates so hard, the ends up with glowy hands, which have the power to, I, I to kill flowers and make them reappear in empty space. All my notes here are just, I'm so happy, Karen's watching this. I'm so happy, Karen's watching this. She's trying to be a doctor right now. I'm so happy, Karen's watching this. I'm so happy. Karen's watching this. She's trying to be a doctor right now. I'm so happy. Karen's watching this. Minor just pure confusion. Let's see what we've got.

I'm so bored. The animators must have been so pissed that they had to animate so many pointless scenes. Yeah. But as we got the gruntie breathing is killing me. We had something about his gruntie breathing in this scene. It's very uncomfortable. He definitely comes into his gruntie breathing in this scene. This is very uncomfortable. He definitely comes into his toga. Yeah, for sure. In all caps, these scenes are so long. And then he becomes the king of Crete, right? Yeah, well, he was already the fucking king of Crete, but yes, he comes becomes it more now. But he's like, he's like, but I'm now that I'm the king of creep. What important lesson should I teach my people?

An ovelius is like happy science cult days. Like I should have thought of that right. Happy science cult theology. Yeah, because this is the moment where like, we have this weird long psychedelic sequence that ends with like a road sprouting out of the sun and Pegasus pulling ovel's on a chariot down that road. Obviously. In this true story.

Yeah. So that he can give him the staff of Calcoyon. Calcoyclon. Calcoyclon. Calcoyclon. The staff of Boyd is that have a made it up as I was going along. Fucking sound to it. Yes. The staff. Don't say calculator. Don't say calculator.

The staff of Caliucion is a magic wand that always works and can do anything and all, but has a bunch of unverifiable conditions like you have to really believe in its power and not use it selfishly. Yes. Well, that's oh, right. They're trying to explain the rules and either the translation or the dubbing gets off here Because he's like don't use it for a thing you want and I'm like so don't use it Or only use it to do bad but largely beneficial stuff to society. Like, oh, I want horrible diarrhea that cures cancer. I get the only way I could. And then the movies like, don't worry, Eli, we're going to spend the next 50 C in having the obnoxious little pelican

kids explain it to you. Right. Right. Well, too, you know, and of course, what we're getting here is that this staff is something that the leader of this cult has, right? He has the staff of Kelliukian. Wait, we're getting that from this. Well, I'm getting it from my prior knowledge of the happy science cult. Okay. Okay. So he's got this staff that he tells people has magic powers and can do anything. And he wants to put it into his movie. But he has to do so with all the bullshit conditions he uses in the real world to avoid ever having to do anything with it.

Right. Right. So then we immediately cut to a scene where everybody in town is like, wow, he can do anything he wants. I guess he could just make himself some very fancy clothes and the kids are like, no, it can't grant personal desires. Damn it.

That wouldn't even make sense, right? Yeah. We see that for quite like basically they spend like the next five minutes explaining why the staff, you know, like Michigan J frogs anytime anybody's looking. And then we cut to Aphrodite, admiring Hermes new rod and explaining all the cool stuff he can do with his magic powers. And again, it's the, you know, he's got to actually do this stuff with his real staff of Kellukian. So all our suggestions are like, well, you could use it like a divining rod to find water in the ground.

Right. That would be pretty magical. That would prove that it was magical. You could find water in the ground or fish in the ocean. You know, the two things that are always there. Yes. Right. You can find oxygen in the sky

and sadness in Eli's heart, too. Okay. I'm starting to think we all have the wand of Calcook but I think exactly. All right, well, again, this movie has run completely out of gas. So we're going to give it a minute to pull into the station. But first, let me give it back through the hard cell. Will Hermes use the staff to determine people's lucky lot of numbers?

Does this movie have a whole nother gear of crazy to shift into what is the plot even? By now, the answers to these questions and more when we return for the BAT SHIT CONCLUSION of Hermes. Wins of Love. Hey everybody, here comes Hermes with his powerful magic staff. Oh wow. Yes, hello simple villagers. Tell me, what is it that you need? Well sir, I am but a poor farmer and my crop yield this year was very low. I see. Well, what if my magic wand makes you

these seeds Oh Well, that's nice. I guess so I just Lant these and water these and then harvest them and harvest them. Yes, you're welcome. Does anybody else need it? Sorry. Sorry. Yes, simple farmer again. Well, it's just that your staff is magic and it can do anything, right? Yep, sure can.

Well, I can't help but notice it tends to do stuff that still requires labor. Yeah. I don't understand. Well, like, you found the location of the well, but we still had to dig it. Yeah, and you told us where to fish, but we still had to go like get the fish. Yeah, couldn't you just, you know, make the well and get us the fish with your wand? I mean, if that's what you want. Well, yeah, that is what we want.

Absolutely what we want. Okay, fine. You sir, what's your job? Oh, um, I'm the town shit shoveler? Very well. What was that? I just made everyone's butthole disappear. Okay, you have to know that that is not what we wanted.

I kinda like it. This guy gets it. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Hermes on a commandor raid to save Aphrodite's mom is the plot now, I guess. As though Aphrodite's mom was there in the writer's room being like, and you're not going to tell the story at the time you came and saved me. And it's such a perfect to receive, right? We watch him like run up a stair, kick a kick a couple guards asses to a hip throw and then open the door, you know, Luke's dressed as a stormtrooper style. Yeah, right. And then pick her up. And that's it. We never see her again. Yep. He gets back to his palace or whatever. And his man at arms is like, well, you, you understand that the king of lindos will seek revenge on you now that you've done this.

And, and Hermes is like, well, yeah, I mean, otherwise we wouldn't have any plot at all. If so, no, no, no, I get it. We did a bunch of our theology, so we should probably do an action scene in case mom and dad wandered back into the room. You're right. Yes. And the King of Lindo is the other bad guy that's not the cow bad guy, right? Yes, he is the dog bovine batty from earlier.

Yes. Yeah, because here's where I wrote, I looked away for a minute and now I have no idea where we are. Yeah, no, here's where I wrote I looked away for a minute and now I have no idea where we are Yeah, I've gone off the rails. I need a break and I literally did I took a break I walked my dog nice And so I had been watching this on my laptop in bed because I watched it when I first woke up in the morning because I couldn't bring I could not bring myself to do this last night So this morning I woke up and watched it on my laptop couldn't handle it anymore got up Took my dog on a walk, came back, Googled it,

like, or not Googled it, but like went on my Apple TV and searched for it on YouTube on my Apple TV, but I just searched for it by title and clicked on the thing that I think it was. So there's a non-zero chance that I watched a different movie from here on forward. Okay, all right. I have no idea.

It seems to have queued up okay with your notes, but I don't know how close these happy science movies are to one another. Yeah. No, that's fair. Yeah. They all pretty much would fit with the third act is always the same. Exactly.

So we'll see. We'll see. All right. So now the king, because of course they talked about it at the end of the last scene. So that's the plot of the next scene. So we cut immediately to Lindosus Navy showing up at his city. I don't even remember where the fuck it. Mille or something. Whatever the fuck he is now. They're showing up to attack. They're hurling missiles from the sea, which nobody did for another like 2000 fucking years, but okay, whatever.

Oh, I'm sorry. Is that where you draw the lines? That's where homies wings the style of cherry at the Pegasus is carried back that, yeah, right? So look, the wind, the wand of Cloud Cleon mayor made out of found some fish. You're fucking up the timeline of the Trebuchet. And that's where I got the right. Exactly. You're fucking up the timeline of the Tribute Shae and that's where I got the right. Exactly. Yeah, but they bomb the city, but it's okay.

Hermes has evacuated it beforehand, right? So there's no people in the building is just, or it's just millions of dollars worth of damage that's being done. No big deal. But just as the ships get close to shore, Hermes in acts his plan, which includes Barrel mines Build with apparently gunpowder He's so mad

Shoot a rocket just shoot a rocket like I'm not saying I know when mines and gunpowder were invented in how far I'm not saying I know when mines and gunpowder were invented in how far Well, hey man, you already have a magic wand. You don't have to fuck You're not really getting it's not really any wrong or to have him shoot a bazooka at them, you know So yeah, right but but the but but the ships start to blow they they start firing flaming arrows at them them and the maybe of Lindo's turns back never to be seen again. Okay. All right. I think we've distracted them.

Kids for enough time to get back to our theology. Yes. So the next day everybody wakes up unsure of the plot. I died. I died when I read that. It's so bad. What is happening? And they move to a new place.

There's no reason for no reason. He's like, I shall move my capital to a rock Leon. And I'm like, well, that seems like a whole big thing. Why did you? Oh, God. Are we going to have to draw anything different for that? Nope. I'm just saying it. You know what?

Now the Capitol is on. Share corner. Are you saying the things you see or do you actually want to have a share corner? So okay, explain to me because I need to catch up now. What is happening at this point? Did somebody win that war? We just watched. Yes.

Yeah. They drove off the Hermes one. He drove off the king of of Windows. And now the movie so that the movie can finally focus on the truly interesting aspect of all of this, the trade negotiation. Oh my God. They're explaining the trade. The concept of trade is so fucking funny.

He's like, I have an idea. We will be a city where people can bring their goods. We will assess those goods for value and give them money in exchange. I want it so badly for one of the people he's trading with to be like, no, no, we know what trading is. Oh no, yeah, he's such a privileged piece of shit.

He's like the white dude in the room and he's like, dear friends from Africa and to Asia. Oh my, he might as well hog the Koch mirror and explain how it's a video game that pays you in Bitcoin. I'm like, oh, yeah. If you don't give me that Koch mirror, man, we're going to have a problem. Well, and we have to keep in mind to that part of the, the happy science called theology

is the, this extreme right wing, meocon free trade concept, shit. I see. Right. So they're force fitting all of that. Like that's what really brought peace to Greece was all of these trade alliances that we should all be a part of. Right. So it's like they get capitalism and they get boat cannons, but they couldn't figure these trade alliances that we should all be a part of. Right.

So it's like they get capitalism and they get boat cannons, but they couldn't figure out democracy because in the next scene, there's like bitch hasn't gotten brain at what are we going to do without air control. Everything will collapse. There will never be another ruler. Like they just couldn't just one more logical leap there. Look, they Greek, we all know what the problem is here, right? Too much anal, right?

That's the problem. It's all all butt stuff. Okay, that's true. So let me set this up so we cut to, like, that's just history, Kara. Okay. So the whole land of Greece is at peace. We depicted, we actually see the whole land being at peace. It's depicted by people giggling on swings.

Yeah. So that's a paradise. Yeah. Right. Swings. I don't know. I would be happier if I swung more often. I'm going to be honest with you.

That would just be so I can't argue with that. But then everybody starts gossiping about the fact that her mues and aphrodite don't have an air yet. So we cut to Aphrodite, wondering if she could even truly have value if she doesn't procreate. Right? Yep. I expected her to do a musical number on this. It goes on for so fucking long. She decides ultimately that she's going to run away because Hermes deserves a woman who's fertile. Yeah, but she kind of does it in like a weird poly E&M way, because she's like, I won't let them know.

Like I want him to meet somebody else. Like there's nothing wrong with that. He could have, she does like a Willie Loman monologue here, where she's like, you know what, the end of the day, he comes home to me and that's all I need to know. No, no, no, no, no. A broom and a letterman's jacket goes upstairs and kills itself. She's like, yeah, you guys will get that in a hundred years.

I love, I love the moments in our movies where you can actually tell what argument the writer was having with his spouse right before he wrote that scene. Yeah. Right. Because she's standing off going like, well, I want him to cheat on me just so long as I don't know. Yes. You know, you could learn a lot from Darling. Afro-dirty. Maybe you've heard of her. She's very important historical figure. So,

age of consent is 12 in the Philippines. Oh, she's a scryce, of course Eli. Of course. There was a line. Well, we don't know the national ages of course Eli. Of course. There was the line. Well, we don't all know the national ages of kids set. Okay, but I'm the weirdo who has memorized the age of consent in every country. Oh, guys. Okay. So speaking of horrific, violent, aggressive, awful men,

here is the very next scene of this movie. It's the first, could this pass the back delta? Oh, fuck, it doesn't. It's a scene where Aphrodite has now run away because she thinks that her husband needs to be impregnated by a fertile woman. But she runs into a goddess of love who I'm very confused because isn't that who Aphrodite?

I thought it was, too. I don't know. No, this is this guy literally running into his own bullshit. Right. It's amazing. Yeah, she's running away and there's a woman with an arrow who's like, I'm the goddess of love.

It's cool. You don't need to know my name. You gotta get it. Right. Okay. Well, wait, I need to talk about this because I left for a fucking while. She's like, oh, I am a heartbroken. I hope she eats on me secretly.

She turns and we don't see a god introduce We just see a woman with a bow and arrow shoot her in the chest I'm not sure why I wrote men are so aggressive their myths are so violent. She's like, oh you want to have a baby boy I will stab you in the That's how I will make your house. You're like, accelerated stick. Yes, mechanically accelerated pointy stick to the heart. Yes. And then she graphically explains it like,

if you get stabbed but it doesn't quite hit your heart, it'll be a girl, but because I pierced your fucking aorta, you're definitely going to have a boy. Yes. This is my brother, the God of friendship. Yes, to hit you in the gonna have a boy. Yes. This is my brother the god of friendship. He has to hit you in the face with a mace. If you and someone start to get along.

And we've got a trip wire for if you meet an older person who you just really want to learn a lot from. I'm sorry. Also, let's talk about it. They're going to name the baby. Yes. Eros. Of course. The god of love. Love it. He's love. Don't about it. They're gonna name the baby. Yes, eros. Of course the god of love love it means love. Don't Google it. Yes

And if you do make sure safe searches So okay, so yeah, we cut to the town celebrating the birth of the new prince again, like this movie was doing a second lap, right? Yeah. Oh, God. Look, I'm not saying, Aros is the God of fucking, I'm saying whoever drew that baby knew that Aros is the God of fucking. That is a, I'll say, I'm, because I'm brave, I'll say it, that's a sexy baby.

He's a very sexy, a sexually aggressive baby. But, but what you actually wrote, so this is we are going, we're venturing deep into the mind of Eli right now. I don't recommend him. He just said that's a sexy baby, but his note says another baby with an old man face. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Those seem to be in conflict in your mind, they're a carer, but not me less interestingly.

Not to me. And I, and I of course wrote, wow, she gave birth to a full toddler. Right. She's like in her thing bed, whatever. And they look at the baby and he's got a full head of hair and he's like, he's already like, oh, that baby's had a prenatal haircut.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's got a fullal haircut. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's gonna full mouth a teeth. It's, yeah. Free beef. So yeah, and we even have the stupid part where the mom is like, you know, I want him to grow up in love.

Music is like, no, hero. He's gonna grow up and be strong, hairy bald hero. That's actually great. My parents had this exact same conversation about me. You guys may remember that from an hour ago. Yeah, I'm going to be a hero and he's going to be the name of a bunch of artsy porn companies.

Yes. So. And then we cut to Hermes at the Temple of Ophelia's Praying. Now, we have established early on this. We glaced over a little bit when we discussed it, but but Ophelia has explained to him that he is on incarnation of Ophelia's right? Like they're the same. Maybe, maybe he's like, I'm in you. I am you, you are me. It's a, it's the, it's the Trinity. It's like, yeah, yeah. Exactly. So he's at a temple that he built for himself, praying to himself. Yes, as you do. Yeah. You're the king. And the Pelican Sprites show back up, right?

The kids. And they're like, hey, we've been berries this whole time. That's a reveal. And I'm like, is it? Because I just called you Sprites from the very beginning. Yes. Yeah, makes total sense. I guess if it means the movie has more content, sure,

you're fairies. Yeah, true story. This is a true story, you guys. It's exactly all happened in real life, especially the part where they gave him tiny little sandals and told him if he put those on, he could run around in happy science called heaven for the remainder of the film. So get ready for the whole point of this thing, right? Because the point of these movies is to suck kids in with a, oh, you know, it's about history and it's about mythology and whatever, whatever. And once you think that they're interested and to mom and dad are bored enough to have left

the room, you hit them with your bullshit weird theology. And that's the rest of the film, right? Right. He's going to wander around in happy science called heaven while people say, oh, if you really believe that you can do it, you can do it. And that kind of live laugh love bullshit, right? Right. Keep in mind that the earlier bullshit we got about meditating and the purpose of happiness and the staff of Kiehato, that was the lead into the real crazy, which is the

end. Right. So yes, we put on these tiny little shoes, but they fit because they're magical. And he flies up into the fucking mesosphere or so before a magical net grabs him and by the face and violently drags him to heaven. And then I just have to point this out, it blacks out. Oh yeah, no, it blacks out long enough that we start to wonder whether the movie was over. I was like, Hey, if the credits start to roll, this is my favorite fucking movie. Yeah, it's like, it's like the mist. It's like the worst movie. But he wakes up.

He's in a field of pink flowers. And the sprites explain to him that he is in the lobby of level one heaven. Yeah, the gateway to the fourth dimension. Oh, this is so confusing to me. Like, this guy just had a kid like a minute ago, right? Like, he just had a kid and then these little obnoxious fairy kids like murdered him and took him to heaven.

Well, he's astrally projecting. Yeah, he's astrally projecting. Yeah, he's astrally projecting. Pay attention, Cara. Right. Like I should have caught that. Well, what do you think the magic shoes were for, Cara? Come on. Well, I remember what the magic shoes is that the fairies

literally said to him, don't think just do it, which I think is the moral of every Christian movie. Yeah, but watch. Yeah. And at the going to the pathway to heaven and doing mushrooms for the first time, don't think just do it. Just do it. Yeah.

There's this great moment. He's wandering through this field and a fish jumps out of the field because in heaven, I guess, fishes don't need water or whatever. The fish jumps out of the field and then falls back in and Hermes looks at it. Looks at the kids and he goes, why do all the fish have little golden tips on their fin? And I'm like, that's your question, man. Fucking fish is just floating around in a meadow and your question is about the color of his fin. But yes, that is a fish halo. All fish have halos in heaven. All fish, they very casually say this. They're like, oh, yeah, all fish go to heaven. And I was like,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I have so many follow up questions about all fish go to heaven. Yeah, this is, there's a lot of weird exposition here. So not only is it that fish and flowers and human beings all go to heaven, I guess everybody else goes to hell. Like fuck everything else. If heaven is just fish and flowers and human beings, but they also teach us some hard science here about how flowers bloom because each one has a fairy inside of it. It has a soul. Fairy souls living inside them. They go, you know, people think that flowers bloom because of the seasons changing, but it's really because of the fairy souls living inside them.

Yeah. Flesh cut to a Valentine's Day florist bludges everything screaming. Oh my God. This day of horrible genocide is once again upon us. Oh no, oh no, he wants to do mouth stuff. No, my friend. Oh, God. Oh, that was that not a doodly do. So yes, so they've've learned about that then they fly through a canyon on a mushroom trip for a while. Apparently you can fly through the mountains in heaven or walk on them, which is nice. Yeah, my notes here are Kara pay attention. Hermes is flying with a couple

fairies with a gateways. And I replied, thank you. I definitely started watching Reels on Instagram. This move is like a tensioned cryptonite. Tensioned cryptonite, that's a great way to put it. Yeah. So yeah, and there's also this stupid moment. So he flies to your mouth. They stop at this lake and he's like, wow, this is the most beautiful lake I've ever seen.

And I'm like, dude, you're in heaven. You can fly. There are little flower ladies like all over the grass. You're marveling wrong. They have lakes on earth. You've seen this before. They're like, you know, you can walk around on the water like Jesus. If you want, I'm like, why the fuck would he want to do that? Though, right? I can walk underground. Motherfucker can fly. And this is where at the lake, this is where he meets the mermaid, right?

Well, so he does, but first he has to swim down into the ocean where he finds a showtune. So we have this long musical number at this point that it's a real like, you know, take stock your life and how you wound up your kind of moment. I swear to you, I did not blink a single time during this musical. No, I picked the awesomeness time to get a little bit high because I went and got high four seconds before this music started. Oh, and I. Musical numbers started. So for me, I was like watching this relatively boring theology explanation, took a hit,

and then it was like, the seaweed is always green. And I was like, Klaa! Hey. It's so funny because I wrote that it's like the person who wrote this movie was high in class when they were studying Homer. And then he was really confused.

And wrote what he thinks he remembers. Oh, yeah. It's such a coincidence. Eli, I also got high four seconds before this scene. No. And four seconds after this scene. I was going to say, yeah. I bracketed it. Don't you, Pachinko machine standard distribution may know.

So the song ends. He resurfaces and the sprites are nowhere to be found. So he swish this little island where he finds a mermaid practicing her harp scales. Like you do. Yeah. I should point out this is a coconut-less mermaid, but don't worry. She has kendall boobs. Yeah.

She has smooth, bo Yes, she does. She's smooth. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no see or all the mermaids will die. Yes. So you guys are clearly the translators to the crazy.

So please explain to me why, why this plot point? Well, it's a lot of happy science cult is just, you know, what would you rather believe? Right? So like, you know, some people would rather live in a world with mermaids. So yeah, sure, why the fuck not? There's mermaids. And that's their like call to environmentalism, save the mermaids. The mermaids. Yeah. Okay. Also, weird parting note, the mermaid is like, by the way, all of us mermaids, big fan of your wife. And she's like, wait, what? And she just swims away. Bye. Oh, yeah, she can and balls into like into a tsunami that has started building. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Right. Yeah. The big storm kicks up all around them. And the sprites show up. And they're like, Oh shit, guys. King Minos is on a rampage. And he's like, aren't we in

fucking heaven? Yeah. Also, I hate to be weird, but it feels like the sprites were fucking, right? Because he's like, where were you feels like the sprites were fucking right because he's like, where were you and the sprites are like, that's not it, but there's a very clear moment where the sprites went to the bathroom to do coke. Yeah, they definitely do have. Did you guys ever watch home movies like the cartoon, the Brendan Small cartoon? No, of course. You did.

Okay, Eli, you remember the two, like, there were like brothers that were always different than hugging each other. They definitely had that vibe. And I always felt like they were fucking two. So I'm with you. There's a real thing with you. So yeah, but apparently, Minos now has become one of the main hell demons and Hermes has to fight with him.

So he, because, you know, we need another action sequence to draw the kids back in. So he imagines himself into some appropriate armor and they all get sucked into the hell for text together, right? Yeah. Carol, I didn't want to ruin the spoiler surprise for you, but the spoiler surprise of literally every single fucking happy science movie is that no matter what the plot is, three quarters of the way through, everyone gets sucked into hell to fight some hell team and no matter what the fucking movie

is doing. No, no, no, no, okay, okay. Well, I wanted you to experience it. We're on track then. Yeah. Right. So so they fall into hell. They look around and hell is mostly creepy trees.

The sprites explain that those trees hold the souls of everyone who caused other people pain in life. And I'm sure Kara was like, so Eli and Noah. Yeah, that's what I first thought, but then I looked at the screen and I was like, oh, women. Oh, right. Yes. Yeah. Women. No, it's so much worse than that because they explain the men get turned into trees, boo, trees, and the women get boiled alive. Why are the hell punishments gender segregated? I don't understand. Just non-binary assholes walking around.

Got it. Lupo. Right. Now, to be clear, Minos is not a tree or a being boiled lady. He is a super monkey. Yeah, that's the thing. Yeah. So the theology of happy science is that if you're evil, you have to make sure you're super

evil. Right. Otherwise, you'll just end up as a random lady getting, you know, boiled. You got, if you want to be a monkey devil, you got to really commit to evil. Exactly, right. You have the choice of being the Minotaur or the Minotaur food, but you've got to be evil enough is their theology. Yeah, so basically, Minotaur or I guess Minos,

so Minotaur's dad, he kind of got a sweet gig. Like, he dude was, was like the megalomaniac of all megalomaniac. He was like, I'm the worst and I'm gonna take over and I'm gonna be awful. And then he gets killed and goes to hell. And he's like, sweet. Now I get to do it, but with powers. Yeah.

Right, yeah, exactly. Killing him just gave him magic powers in a larger kingdom. Yeah. So they stand around watching for a while. The kids explain, they're like, yeah, you know, in this city, every day, they have to like the men all get burned alive and the women all get boiled alive. And then they

have to like wake up in the same city again, because they're already dead and go over it, you know, go through it all again. And I'm like, well, I don't want to blame the victims, but they built a city in hell. I feel like they have to. Right. So those like those houses on the side of a volcano, it's like, I can't feel sorry for those houses though. This is a really nice house. No, it cares living in Florida now. So, I think that it's good. Not my job. Not my job. Yeah, from California. Yeah. For Texas.

That doesn't help. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. World famous doctor. It's fine. No, no, whatever. Yeah. No choice. It's fine. Shut up. So, okay. Yeah. So, but they also explain that this is so stupid, they're like, and you know, the only way to get out of hell is to repent and think that you're really sorry, but like, but like you mean it.

Right, yeah. That's the way out. Because Jesus. I feel like that would happen pretty quickly into the boiling and being alive. I would really, I mean, look, I don't know how I, I've never been brought to test for anything I've done because I'm a white man, but I feel like boiling alive would get a sorry out of me pretty quickly. Like a

real, a pretty hard fellow. So yeah, but so now Hermes has to kill, like hell kill, minus, like kill him even kill your, I guess, I don't know what the hell he goes to hell. He sends him to super hell. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah. But first he has to action scene his way through a bunch of demons, like a, like a demon army.

Don't worry, he's got just the hip throw he needs. He's in the house. He literally has a sword and I was like, okay, finally some nope hip throw. Hip throw in the sword in the hands. Still hip throw. So he's fighting the demons and he's fighting Minos. He loses his magic shoes. So specifically, Minos reaches out and he's like, oh no, my shoes and literally nothing

else. Yes. But it's okay. Apparently the shoes were like dumb-boast feather. He didn't really need them, like, because nothing changes. Nope. At one point, he's like swings his sword

and it shoots out another sword, like he's leveled all the way up on the master sword. Yup. How did you guys get all this detail? All I got was laser beams and blood waves. That was the whole scene to me. It was the light of the blood. You got the essence of it.

You got the essence of it. Yeah, that's, yep, you nailed it. But he's losing because he's not really in hell, he's only astral projecting. So he needs to call upon the staff of Kell Yuccheon to come save him. Okay, okay, this is so fucking funny because he calls on the staff of Kell Yuccheon and I was like, oh, it's gonna appear in his hand. Nope, it is so fucking funny because he calls on the staff of Carl Yukion

and I was like, oh, it's gonna appear in his hand. Nope, it needs to fucking ass you there like Harry Potter's broom. So he just stands there for his thing. It's got a commute. It has a fucking trans-dimensional commute. Yep, I wanted Minos to wait to be like, no, no, no, I'll wait, it's cool.

So, house, earth, anything. Oh, I invented wait. It's cool. So house earth, anything. Dad and I invented gunpowder. You did. Yeah. Yeah, a gunpowder and a boat trebuchets. Oh, wow. Times are a change in. I'm a mokey deep. But now I see that.

I see that. So I'm on field. We took so. Major, I'm on field. We tricked up. Major I'm listening. So it brings down his big monster club, but just then the staff of Kelli Yugia and shows up and we have a purple light of evil versus good yellow light fights. Yep. Yep.

More like golden orb farts. Yes. Yeah. Exactly. And at first, we think Minos has died and this scene is finally over, but no, he's leveled up even further. And now he's giant Minos demon monkey. This is when we're cut to the baby is crying because he's really bored with this movie and wants it to be over with by to a thing. Yeah. And then of course, he realizes that the way out Hermes realizes that he needs to pray to Ophelios to help him out. But he is Ophelios. Yes. But and that's what Ophelios says. Right. Ophelios is like, dude, I am you. What the fuck are you doing?

And he's like, right, right? Sorry. He literally to I just want to point this out. He literally defeats the evil monkey with the same understanding as Michael Jordan one space sham. Oh, I can just, oh, just do it. Okay. Yeah. I'll just do it. All right. Well, in that case, I'll turn into a blindingly glowy yellow light and then I'll win. And then because this movie is just like, wait, that's not crazy enough. He powers up, burns as bright as a thousand sparklers and then an army of space boats descends upon hell firing laser beam arrows at minos.

And can I tell you the fucking sad moment I had? I was like, oh, those are the space boats from the last movie. Really sad. We're both of us were like, I was wondering if the space boat Navy was going to show up. Yeah. There they are. You ever have, look, I'm not going to say this happens at a lot of jobs, but there are moments in this job where I go, oh, I hope I'm not the expert on this particular topic. I now realize I'm in a percentile that should make me uncomfortable, but I just don't want to be a guy. Eli, you're definitely my expert.

Thank you. Yeah. So, and then how collapses on Minos just the same way as this castle did it. He's dead for being dead, I guess. And the sprites all come out and go, now that's the end of the movie. But it's not quite yet. Right. We have to have the wrap up.

So Affilius appears before the space navy and he tells her me is that why he's learned something here today. Okay. Aphelios says a series of dumber and dumber lessons on like like a skepticism test, right? It's like he starts out with believe in yourself and then he's like always have faith in God and you'll be invincible forever. Yes. And then just to check and make sure we were listening, he goes, when the wind stops blowing, it ceases to exist. And I was like, I would love to hear the science on that. So, yeah. So he tried to, I love him try to put a bow on this as though he's

gonna make this whole thing have a moral. But then the next day we get Hermes looking over the water because dammit they spent money on that uh that water animation and he's like I'm gonna start a brand new life. Why I'm gonna lead a cult in Japan in 4,300 years. Right. Indeed. And then we watch the magical fart right out of town, like the end of a fucking episode of the incredible. Oh, where's that movie?

And just in case you forgot what I said that I wrote earlier, my button on this film. And somehow everything is good again. I hate everything. The fact that this exists makes me feel like everything I've ever done in my life is futile. This movie broke me. existential crisis incoming. So if you guys don't hear from me for a few weeks.

Yeah, somebody check it on carol. Yeah, regular. Yeah. Here we still have the pictures. Yeah, I'll get regular. Yeah. Carer, we still have the pictures. I'm just gonna remind you, we still have the picture. Well, I just want to point out that I wrote this whole thing about what was your takeaway and the lesson that you learned here.

I wrote that before you wrote all of this. I don't think I need to still ask you. I think we know before you put us in your tape. So I guess I've got nothing left to do but thank you so much for joining us. Always a pleasure to have you on. Oh yeah that's the most genuine thank you. I'm not your, you're fucking not welcome. You're not welcome at all. I never am. Oh my god. Never am. Sorry, I'm just Googling something real quick. When does a podcast become kidnap?

Oh, I got a video that kidnap them. Sorry. You're the best there. Yeah. All right. Well, I guess that's going to do a part of review of Herbie's wins of love, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need a loop back around. So Eli, tell us what's on deck

Well Noah. I'm on vacation next week, which means I've found something truly Apparent for you while I'm gone. I'll let the YouTube description do the talking quote This is the story of the president who was more powerful than God He ruled the world with an iron fist but getting getting into heaven is not easy, even for him. All the laws he made for others to follow turns to his detriment. Everything that was done to ruin him turns out to be his salvation. What the president has to do to get into heaven. So yeah, you'll be watching the president goes to heaven.

Oh my God. Oh, I can't wait to hear the dialogue. So I guess with that to look forward to we're going to bring up a three 88 to a merciful clothes once again, huge thanks to Kara for hanging out with us today. Be sure to check out talk nerdy. If you haven't already, you'll find it linked in the show notes. And perhaps even a huge thanks to all the Patreon owners that helped me to show go. If you'd like to kind of yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation to patreon.com slash god awful on there.

By your own early access to an ad free version of our episode. You can also help it's done by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show on only various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating a the ascentation to the D&D minus and the skeptic right available wherever podcast live. If you have questions, comments,

there's cinematic suggestions. You can email god awful movies to gmail.com, legal surfaces for this podcast, or provide a lot of this as a P and retours. Tim Robbins and Takes Care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Brian Slot, and people who dress our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Sly and Slot and people who will dress on Mars. All the other music was written and performed

by our audio engine on Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen right knee libos to get our new solutions promised to work harder. Earn another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. No women in the kingdom ever spoke another word to another woman again, except about their men, because sexism.

The staff of Kalyukiyan went on to repeat the explain to Hermes that all Aino play counts as personal desires. Happy science cult has an extra 8 movies we haven't watched yet, and they're still making them. Extra 8 movies we haven't watched yet, and they're still making them. No! Oh no! Oh, how do I get out of this? You have to believe, you have to recempt it really mean it can't believe just you don't think just you don't care and kill me with a sword just like the monkey got a hip throw of a

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