God Awful Movies - 39: GAM039 Second Glance

Episode Date: May 17, 2016

In this week's episode, Eli, Noah, and Heath team up for an atheist review of Second Glance, a bizarre hybridization of an after school special, a re-imagining of It's a Wonderful Life, and unabashed anti-atheist bigotry. Plus we get to see little David AR White before his balls dropped and learn that apparently he never stood a chance. --- Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page.

Un chapuzón, con el habito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parque Sur, con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con martes y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, bailués sin parque sur. Pero hay un chico que se va a ir a ver, But there's a hot chick so he has to stop and say hey, weren't you on the cover a glamour magazine and what love what I love so much about this is this is this is a bunch of geeks sitting around in Room going what would a non geeks say if a pretty girl was there okay guys I've got a suggestion but the Lord's gonna have to forgive us pretty hard for this

One time my grandmother accidentally dropped a glamour magazine out of her bag. I know it gets worse God awful movie MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! Welcome back to the Gamcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema

because eventually you just get immune to the nipple clamps. I'm your host Noah Luciens and sitting to my immediate right is my good friend Heath and right Heath, welcome back. Thank you, sir. And sitting to Heath's immediate right is my bad friend Eli Bosnig. Eli we're all in the same room. It's weird. Yeah I'm wearing pants.

I don't know. He looks different than he does on chat related. It's true. Because I'm wearing pants. Yeah I guess that's the biggest difference. We've nailed it. So tell us Heath what will we be breaking down today? All right.

We watched second glance. It's the story of a Christian high school student in the early 90s who wishes one day that he was never a believer and lives out the plot from it's a wonderful life, basically, except Clarence, the angel has no idea what he's doing and just keeps showing the kid a wet dream of hedonism and pleaded denims.

Lovely, seems like atheism is great. Or imagine if the ghost of Christmas future was like, yeah, so you just keep getting richer. Totally works out. What are we doing? That's pretty much it, and Eli, how bad was this movie? If you've ever seen an after-school special and thought to yourself, man, this abstinence message makes too much sense. Then you're in luck because second glance is essentially a afterschool special if everyone writing in it, acting in it, and I assume viewing it was completely fucking insane.

That's the general gist that they're going for. It's so much fun. I love this so much Okay, I gotta be perfectly honest. I feel like we started this podcast in the hopes that this movie was out there Somewhere this is what I've been waiting for my whole I feel like it is like the whole my whole life up until now Was just like a fucking Rocky montage getting ready for this goddamn movie they can stop filling the boyhood about no getting ready for this goddamn movie. They can stop filming the boyhood about no illusions. I just feel that it can never be this good again. Also, I think we should point out about this film that one of the reasons why we chose to do it, it got suggested by Sarah, who's a listener, who messaged it to me and said you have to

watch this movie because it's so terrible. But one of the things that we should point out is that But one of the things that we should point out is that lately the guy who made this movie from Cristiano Films has been abusing YouTube's copyright policy to try to delete all reviews of this terrible piece of crap that are currently on YouTube. So when I found not only that it would bother a Christian and that he would probably find out about it that we were removing this film, it became a must. We had to do it. Right, and this is the first time that we can really, truly say, Motherfucker, you asked for this. You invited us in. We're like fucking vampires. We have power over you now.

First official spite review. There you go. All right. Well, in order to keep today's conversation fresh, we had kind of an embargo on talking about this movie since we arrived in New York City last night And I think I've made it about as far as I can without talking about this marvelous fucking masterpiece So we're gonna pause for a quick break and when we come back we'll break down all the fantastic goodness of second glance This film saw the beginning and end of many acting careers so much so that when they hold their 25-year anniversary next year, some of them will envy David A.R. White for his success. So before we give this movie the thorough nasal fucking it deserves, we'd like to pause

for a moment to pay homage to some of the careers that were lost. Blaine Pickett, who played Muriel, was born to two parents who clearly wanted him to drive a stagecoach, but followed his dreams of acting instead. Despite his powerful performance in second glance, his IMDB page only lists one other credit as Add Sale's Guy in the People vs Larry Splint. Lance Zitron, who played Doug the 26-year-old high school bully, went on to do limited voice work on the angry beavers and appeared in another Christian film before getting his big break as the pilot in one episode of the TV series head cases in 2005 because big break is relative.

Denise Weatherly who overcame not being remotely attractive to play the attractive character in this film went on to never do anything else ever again or maybe porn. Sometimes they don't list the porn. Literally every other actor listed in this movie never worked again. Not a one. If all, but three of the actors died in a plane crash on the way to the premiere, the IMDB page would look no different. Only David R. White even has a picture. She's the only one with a picture on that entire panel. I don't know it's like, no.

I'm not Google Imaging this person. I don't know, fucking time. And we're back for the breakdown. And this movie's gonna start off at 88 miles an hour apparently because even though it was made in 1992, it looks like 1971, both in quality and in costuming. It blew me away that this movie was like made both in quality and in costuming. It blew me away that this movie was like made when I was graduating high school.

And in ideology, because by 1992, everyone should know that all the things they say in this movie are fucking crazy. Right. Or maybe 1892, I'm not sure. Yeah, so weird, it's David A.R. White, starting in this movie, it feels like he should be negative nine and in fact the first scene we get is

Someone sneaking into David R. White's room while he's asleep and I just wrote sneaking into David R. White's room while he's asleep Make it happen. She does make it happen. You're not having what dreams. That's not what happened. What's happening David? So yeah, so we see like some broad-legged knee sock sneaking into his room apparently his uh... his little sister is in the habit of going and turn the volume up on his alarm as a prank in the morning uh... and uh... my music here by the way is how is the pink panther gonna get through that locked door i wrote if this movie is just sixty minutes of David R. White getting fucked, I'm okay

with it. It comes in with a strap on. That would be awesome. My music note was sneaking up behind someone while I play this bass guitar. They always notice me. Although I do want to say when she turned the volume up, the sound and the music went up along with it, that is the best sound editing we have ever gotten in one of those movies credit where credit is due So yeah, so he wakes up and that's too loud and he says like And apparently that's comedy and then we meet yet another Christian family at breakfast Yeah, and he runs into the room and he's like try to get it. I'll fuck the shit out of you And he's like try me and they're, make it out on the table while the parents

look anywhere but at them. Looking around the room like, starting to think we watched different movies. So, but the important thing we're going to learn at breakfast is that Davey has a crush, Davey, I call him Davey throughout this, because David A. R. White, but he looks like Christian Zach Morris. I was going to say Corey Hayn, but yeah, Mark Paul gospel. looks like Christian Zach Mars. He was going to say Corey Hayn, but yeah. Mark Paul got split.

So anyway, so what we were trying to learn here is that he's got a crush on Tamra. Now, we're going to meet Tamra later on and they're never going to explain why he would have a crush on her, but he's got a crush on Tamra. And David R. White gives us the classic MRA argument of he likes Tamra, but she's too nice and women don't like nice guys. He looks into the screen and he's like, right, Rouchvie? Right. Am I right? Tamra's asking for it.

Probably gonna have to wait. Also, they named a character Tamra? Right, what? What was that process? Okay, quick. What's the character's name? Tamra. Did you, are you choking on a biscuit?

Who's that the name of the character? Name a syllable, Tam, you next, right, all right, got it, got it. Guys, we're gonna shorten Tamra, Ramlam, and name it Tamra for the movie, but now that we know that Bill was having a stroke when he was naming that character, it feels only right to keep it in.

So a missy, Bill. Also, by the way, the entire conversation where we meet these parents is made of old-timey movie tropes. It writes, yes, it's just like, I'm budget- Peter Gallagher with grape juice in my mouth at all times. I'm a dead with a newspaper and a copy of mug and this voice. And this is the shortest Anna's ever made it into a movie. She stood up about three seconds in this scene,

said, this looks like the saddest episode of Save By The Bell I've ever seen. Right. And then left the room. It felt like that threw out. I also love there was a line from Dad where the sister's fucking with the brother and the dad goes, that's enough comedy. And I thought that was just a margin note.

You know, the script doctor wrote something on the side there that he read, but I wanted it so bad for him to just pop in throughout the movie every time they try to joke. And go, that's enough comedy. Maybe we'll do that in post. It'll be awesome. So now we get him driving to school and his little geek car. He's got a little geek car.

My music note for this driving scene is, if the Lord's and Lady and ladies already the dance will be My music note was square dancing Sherwood forest Burns down the vony king of England Mine was just I wound it all the way up and By the way, it was just me or did his car sound like an armored troop carrier like me? I can't tell if that's a shitty car or if I just hate him I'm like I don't know anything about cars, but I hate him so much. That's a bad car

Also, by the way, sorry I had a second music note because they keep playing the exact same song in different ways and My second note was would you trade every day from that day till this, for this music box? Mine was, why are they playing the music cartoon characters March to War to? So my second music note is, the dope finally shall marry. So he gets to school and my first note, first he has to stop in harassment. Oh, yes, right, yes.

And it's so weird because we open this shot, okay, so there harass that old lady. Oh, yes, right. Right, yeah. And it's so weird because we open this shot. Okay, so there's an old lady gardening or whatever they drive by. We have to just see that he's a nice guy who says hi to the old lady. But we open on this old lady's cleavage. Yeah. And then the whole shot backs away with the cleavage always centrally framed. I wonder if that's like Mr. Mrs. Cristiano or something.

Yeah, he's like, oh, she looks so fucking good. This movie's for us later. Use that travel. So then after he's nice to the old lady, we get to school. And my first note when he pulls up into the parking lot is, oh my God, at the camel toe. Yeah, I wrote, wow, vagina.

And then I have a question for you. Noah, when did women stop securing their genes inside themselves? I don't know, because I was born after you. Noah when did women stop securing their genes inside themselves? I don't know because I was born after you. Did you all have a meeting and the ladies were like this pinches? Yeah, there was a there was a belt shortage back in the early 90s and that's how they kept them up We needed a lever there for World War one So so our hero shows up. What's his name in this movie Danny?

Who knows? Yeah, so Danny. Doesn't matter. Yeah, Davey. Davey shows up to school and we learn that Doug is being mean to him. And Doug looks like Joey from Save by the Bell. If all he ate for a year was just like a pick and mix candy stations. And he's like, do you want some carrots?

No, pick and mix. Doug. Douglas Nike is ready to murder some socious devil. Douglas looks like meatloafs rebellious son. You wouldn't play catch either. He didn't mention that in your song. By the way, is there a Joey in Save By The Bell? I didn't remember a Joey. So we get in this movie like I first I thought oh this is gonna have to be the best line of the movie there can't possibly be a better line but after they get in he's got he's got his buddy with him now we'll talk about this here quite a bit I'm sure we've got his buddy with him and he says to his buddy's like I don't get it uh Doug like mox god and he's got a great

car and he gets all the girls he mox god and he's got a great car and he gets all the girls he mox got and he gets the girls that's not possible to which of course his body says the best response man dogs got nothing if he ain't got the lord all so good he sounds just like shun asked in the whole time potatoes but he sounds just like Sean asked in the whole time. Potatoes. Oh, there are so many of those gems. I mean, like, I could, if I had,

if I owned the script of this movie, the pages would stick together. So his reanimated corpse friend thinks they need to reach out to Doug and Christianize him, but Davey isn't so sold on that idea. Yeah. And then we meet Tamara, who shows up to thank him for helping her study, and she's 32.

And she looks like the first in a faces of math PSA. Yeah, that's a girl who tries math, I get it. So Doug comes over and he's like, hey, are you coming to the party this weekend or do you got to stay in church because you're a loser? And he's like, I'm a loser. And Tamra's like, you are a loser. And he's comforted by his teacher. How? Oh my god. Okay, so yeah, creepy old man comes up from behind him to recite poetry softly into his ear. My note here is am I crazy or did Jerry Sandusky's nerd brother sneak up behind a high school student and recite a love poem Is that that's what we're doing? Look it's Tennessee Williams ghost. I had Dwight Eisenhower Fuck the pedophile from family guy. Yeah, this is mr. Milner and we're gonna like I

Two all guys this shit about mr. Milner as it goes But yeah, he's the pedophile that certainly fucked little david a our white uh... off camera and uh... then we go and we get into class now i should say this is a forty nine minute movie right the whole thing from start to finish it's hard to find we had to go to i had to go to pier flicks uh... we we have a pier flicks account

uh... to find this one but it's only forty nine minutes and about twenty five minutes of the movie is set up. You know, it's also for free online. If you just Google full movie, there's a video link of it that's totally free to stream. Oh, right. I want to follow along. So pure, pure, pure, pure, pure subscriptions are even more worthless than I thought. All right. So now we're in class. Now, I should also note too that they've been setting up over and over again that there's a big test today that he was helping Tamer study for and everybody's super nervous about that. And I only want I only point that out now because they've been talking about that through

the whole movie up till now and now we get to the class and they're not in the class where that test is or anything. They are taking a test but it's a different test and they're not going to let you know. Also music note for this scene Simon has to riff until Garfunkel gets the fuck on stage. I wrote. Tis a gift to be simple Tis a gift to me. That's what we bought. Yeah, exactly.

Right. So he stares at Tamra from across the room like a creepy dork. And I wrote my notes here that the soundtrack by this point I believe was about 30% clock and spiel. Also Madeline's that go up to 11. The other part of the music. In this scene, Tamer's pants are around her fucking throat. Yes.

Honestly, I've never seen higher pants. It's quite disturbing. Did women have higher waist in the 80s? Have we evolved that part of her? I don't know. Yeah, no Harry Anderson explained it in one of these movies that we watched in the middle until very recently. She looks like a cartoon character who got hit on the top of the head of the hammer and

now he's just walking around inside her pants. Oh, I'm modeling you. Yeah, right, right. And now of course we meet the much cuter girl that's really Christian and likes him and it's the girl that he should be with instead of that horror camera. By the way, I can't tell any of these females apart. Apparently every woman in the 80s was just bright colored trapezoids. That's all I see. I see construction paper trapezoids. And so the way, of course, that we meet this girl is that she turns to him and she's like, so how's the fellowship of Christian athletes going? Yes, because they have like a little Christian study group

And his friend Todd who by the way is the best response to why they're still monkeys I've ever seen Just won't stop talking about him liking Tamra and so we get Literally this same character says cool it Todd It's eight thousand yes, I wrote my notes if Todd doesn't cool it Todd it's eight thousand yes fucking times in a row I wrote my notes if Todd doesn't cool it I will officially find a way to cross into the universe of this movie I would guess I'm guessing just based on his look stake through the heart would do it right I think they couldn't decide on which cool it Todd to use because I brush it on each time so they kept all 15

or whatever was. Yeah. So and also we should also point out the dog, the guy who looks like Manudo got stung by bees, is is hitting on Tamra. They're getting awful close and everything and and he just can't stand to watch it. Davey, I guess. And as Davey walks away, what's her name? The the best friend character, who's the girl he's not going to recognize till the end. Very clearly checks out deadass on David R. White. She turned and she's like, mmm, a girl could slide into that. I'll make you say the Lord's name in vain.

So now we're, uh, now we go back to a different class. And this is where we're going to meet. I'm sorry. What's this guy name bow is it bull is it bull? Oh, yeah, it's supposed to be bull I guess and the bully character is bull really like teachers names gonna be teaching teacher face Great and bull is very clearly 40 plus years old like Yeah, everyone in this movie is doing their best. They're all 80 but they all look Kind of like TV is generally played by younger people, but it was just very clearly a 40-year-old man Like his kid keeps walking up to him being like, dad, are you done with the movie?

No, I'm not It's the car And we meet him he's sitting in class and he is Dovening with anger He is just rocking back and forth. Live it about something. Well, and what he's so live it about is that the kid, the best friend from earlier,

the kid who gave blood 23 times in a row before they started filming, is talking to his girlfriend and he's getting super jealous about that. So Danny, David R. White's character has to talk him down. Yeah. Are we gonna get a scene where Bullock cleans a gun alone in a bathroom? David essentially gives Bull a copy of men are from Mars and women are from Venus right and the guys only acting note had to be muted Roy D'Rage. Yeah, Bull sounds like Peyton Manning but with even more peanut butter in his mouth the normal head all the time They gave me chunky a day.

A little barger, a girl with a chup ball. Yeah so he talks, so Daddy talks down violent bully character by explaining the importance of trust in a loving relationship. I'm not make, that's exactly what actually happened. I guess Bull learns the importance of love or whatever. And so instead of beating up Ricky, the vampire in the daylight, he says to him from across the room, if I catch you looking at her, your dog meat pal,

and I'm thinking of myself, he was already dog meat. You need a new insult for this guy. And so then we cut to the, I love the Christian athlete meeting or whatever where they're promoting their Christian athlete movie. And David, our white is a taskmaster. He's like, all right, everyone needs to pass out these posters and he turns to the wrestling guy. He hasn't told the wrestling team. He's like, did you put up your poster? He's like, oh, no, he's like, fuck, man, what are we doing here? We're just fucking around. We're

just fucking around. Are we making a change Brian? Are we making a god damn shame? Trying to make the world easier for white Christian people in the early 90s or not So then we get out of this scene quick Uh, when they you know all agree to meet back there tonight and pray about this thing this thing being the the Christian movie that they're gonna show at school at public this thing, this thing being the Christian movie that they're going to show at school, at public school. And then we, and then we cut to lunch because we just can't get enough of this setup of him in his school day. And Molly Ringwald is there. Yes. Very much though. She tells her where he can find Scotty. Now, Scotty is my favorite human. Scotty's opening line, David A.R. White, he walks into the lunchroom and he's like,

hey, Molly Ringwell, we're Scotty, she says over there, apparently we needed that scene. So then he walks up to Scotty and Scotty's opening line is, man, I gotta tell you, the Bible has come alive for me, I just can't get enough of it. My notes here are said nobody ever fuck you. Which is great because David immediately responds by being like sure yeah whatever man I'm gonna search for pussy talk to you later. Rights can't enforce your delusions right now. Let's do that Friday night. Yeah yeah right as to reschedule is delusion reinforcement meeting with Scotty and then he goes to walk away and God I could just watch this on a loop forever.

Scotty stomps him, puts his fist in the air and he says, hey, Dan, Jesus, man, complete with the fist bump. And I feel I think that was improvised because David R. White reacts with the horror of a normal human being. Jesus, what are you doing? We're in a lunchroom. I just want to point out, Martin has so, sorry, Scotty has so many questions that he might actually be Martin's dad from God's not dead, that giant. I figured out the through line of all the things. Oh, yeah, there you go. There you go. Here's the same universe. Like Marvel.

Thanos is going to cover the Christian. Oh, shit. And so then we get that we get Camel Toe, the girl that he's got a crush on getting a Pepsi and he's trying to work up the guts to ask her out. Oh my God. And a polar bear is handing the Pepsi to Tim Tamer. I Ray Charles playing piano in the background. I'll go ahead. She's by that cartoon Pepsi machine. Exactly. His friends trying to talk him up right before he goes over Todd. And I wrote, Todd looks like he just finished a bender all the time.

And Todd's advice seems to be, hey man, don't worry about it. If she shoots you down, you can kill yourself or something. I don't know. Basically it. Yeah. So then he comes up to her and he's like supposed to be all nervous or whatever. And she's still worried about the test that they were all studying for together. It becomes very clear, very quickly though, that he is in the friend zone.

And by the way, do Christian people talk to each other with their palvices touching in real life constantly? Because David A.R. White ninjas up into her space that, hey, Tara, oh, sorry, is that you're doodinum? I'll just back up two inches. I just had a question. Hey, I couldn't help but notice you have three feet of denim inside you. What is the perfect opening line for? But unfortunately, he went with the G-shocks. Could you, maybe, if you wanted to put your mouth on it, you could, and I wouldn't mind, and that would be great. And she says, are you trying to add that out?

And he's like, ask you out. She's like, you're so funny. You're so funny. No, not at all. No, not even. Or you would never nude. Poor David or white. She doesn't realize that he's talked to her enough times in this dating sim and should be allowed to fuck her behind her.

Oh yeah. But you hold the gifts that your character likes. It's, Roosh V is loving this fucking episode. So, all right, so now we're, we're finally to that fucking task that we've been building up for 12 and a half minutes. This is Mr. Milner, the pervert from earlier. And okay, so, and he's handing out the test.

This is such a stupid line. He's handing out the test and he's like, now I get to find out just how bad the American Educational System, I'm like, you're the teacher! You're the one who's supposed to just have taught him the shit that's on this test. You can't bitch about the American Educational System if that's you! Captain Mike Captain. All right, students, you fucking suck!

Take this test, I wish you were dead, I hope you get cancer! You hear me, you delight apes? I'm gonna be drinking out of my thermos! It's not soup! It's not soup! And of course the music note here is the pink panther is trying a crowbar now! I had the music note as Mr. Belding's gonna notice what's going on. If I don't keep playing this bass guitar.

My music note was sneaky, sneaky, sneaky, sneaky. Yeah, right, right. By the way, Doug, so this is where Doug tries to cheat on the test. Yeah. And Doug tries to cheat on the test by yelling, tell me the answer, Tamara. Tamara. Hey, Tamara!

Tamara! Say cheating words! So yeah, we were supposed to get this like Mr. Milner, like up at the front of the class, like he's really keeping an eye on it, he's no fool, he's been around the block a few times. But yeah, he's basically waving a big fucking placard that says, what's the answer to seven? We've got the flags that they use for boats. Man, it's million, man. We're in the same room, I've moved my arms.

But, so, you guys just think of it wildly, it's hilarious. So, apparently, okay, now I don't even know how this is supposed to fucking work, but apparently, somehow, somebody's got the answers to the test that they're trying to give to Tamra or something. I don't know. Anyway, we get get the stupid like here's the cheat notes. They fell on the floor Good Davy sees it and picks it up and tries to hand it to Tamra and now it looks like he's the one that's cheating Oh, man

Mr. Miller catches him and brings them outside and he's like you go to the principal I thought you were different because you're a christian What was he gonna do if high-me gold Schmidt got caught? This is what your people do. How much gold can I get? What are we talking here? I know what you don't you you me down on this. The real you go.

The actual line from Mr. Milner is, I thought you were different. I thought your faith had given you some perspective. This is the public... I can't emphasize enough that this is not, they're not going to a private Christian school here. This is a public school. In 1992.

Yeah, right, right. This isn't the 40s either, despite the hairdos. So then we cut the dad chewing him out at home. I guess he's gotten suspended and and dad's angry at him for that He's like you can't just pick up pieces of paper son. What if it had a pussy drawn on it? You want a burn fire forever? But wait David R. White's defending himself. Why is he talking like a bug's bunny gangster during this whole The bun rap I tell you I was framed see D.A. It's got a heart on for me. It's McCoy And he's like Tim would like me if I were edgier, you know like John Belushi with a perm

Wrote my notes for the first of many times. Maybe they don't like you because you're a religious asshole. Yeah, right, right. Well, and that's okay. So that's this entire movie's effort here, right? The message of this movie is everybody doesn't like you because you're so awesome. That's why everybody is not because you're a pushy Christian

Jackass, keep that up. That's what matters. So yeah, but then he's complaining to dad that there's a big party tomorrow and he's the only like person that's not going except for the nerds. And his dad's defense on the nerd thing by the way is great. He's like, is Ricky a nerd? Ricky was the translucent kid from earlier. He is nerd incarnate, but the fucking way dad's supposed to defend it well Ricky's not a nerd

He's pretty cool and he says to him so first of all he looks like Willem DeFoe who tried to get out of prison by faking Ains and he's like you're not missing all the fun You're missing all the So he's pouty and decides that he's gonna to read his Bible to go to sleep and I wrote, we're the part with the scorpions, that part always makes me feel better. Yeah, right, right. He does read possibly the last page in the Bible. Yeah, the end.

Exactly. Any minute. And then of course we get a little bit of our check mark on Christian movie bingo when he starts flashing back to things that only happened a couple of minutes ago. At least it was just audio, but like in his head he's thinking of like the last scene. They're all gonna laugh at you, they're all gonna laugh at you. And then he goes and this is so great, he goes, why do they get to have all the fun? I wish I was never a believer and throws down his Bible. A believer, a believer.

Right, right. Throws down his Bible a believer a believe right right and then Late that night is like that's the clock says 348. I'm like, oh please let him be beaten off under the covers I checked a bunch of Bible verses nothing significant about 348. Oh, yeah, I didn't even think this is where Freddie Krueger Kills him in his dream about Jesus, right? Yeah No, because fuck this movie and by the way the soundtrack at this point is Literally win times. Oh God. It's gonna be Peter Pan Come with me. You're a demon. Um No, what's ever done that before

Do you want to come to Neverland? Do you want to come to church? You know what fuck it. I don't need my shadow. I don't need my keep keep a shadow I'm gonna fuck it because it's not a person fine, man Okay, well with it. It's cool people just won't be able to see me sneaking up on him I'm gonna give this up. So then we get oh god, it's so great Oh this scene was so fucking every scene in this movie from this point on is so fucking good So now at seven o'clock in the morning and he wakes up as Moving from this point on is so fucking good. So now at seven o'clock in the morning and he wakes up as

An atheist The alarm clock's like life is meaningless beat me. Wait up anyway. Be Atheism is good Christianity is stupid And he wakes up and his bed is covered in beer cans Lamps a ball. He's wearing a hat in his sleep. His bat backwards. There's a crying seven year old girl who's got a sign. Like, he raped me last night.

There's no consequences. Yeah. You can tell he's an atheist because he's dressed to go hustle Wesley Snipes at basketball. All right. Perfect. That's what atheist looked like. And he looks in the mirror like, what's this super cool baseball cap?

Is it part of my head now? He's got like cover my horse a kiss poster that freaks him out But it's like generic kiss because they couldn't really use kiss and I wrote my nose at this point Can we just review this movie every week? Oh god? This was so fucking hilarious and by the way, we're not we're only very slightly exaggerating They literally have him wake up and he goes to slap his alarm and there's beer cans all over his nightstand cuz he's in a Yeah, he's got to belt around his arm. There's a need of coming out All right, well that was an exaggeration

But now and I want to see this is so unfair by the way if this is God's way of showing him what it's like to be a non-believer Because he woke up with a hangover and I'm like, Well, that's you should get to at least be drunk. I mean, you know, like that doesn't that's not how it works in the real world Or either that or maybe you didn't have a hangover Maybe that was just hole in his heart migraines that he hadn't gotten used to yet So then he had to downstairs and Barely atheists also don't clean up very well. Well you guys are in the apartment so you know it's a broken clock twice a day. So yeah so apparently so he walks

downstairs and there's just a pizza box from last night still sitting out across in it and you can tell by the way that this is like a very clean room around the framing of this shot like they try to go in and put masks just where the camera was and no one knew how to make a mess. Someone's mom was gonna be so mad if they actually made a mess. So mom, instead of making breakfast, remember when she was a Christian,

she was making breakfast, everybody's sitting at the table. Instead, he walks down and there's just a note from mom that says, hey, I had to borrow your car, I made you some biscuits. And he takes the biscuit out of this bowl. And it's like hard as a rock because atheists can't cook biscuits.

What the fuck are they trying to say? Without Jesus's love, you can't bake. That's the real secret. Also, they don't take out the garbage either because the garbage is overflowing and shit. He goes to take it out. There's no room Yeah, holy fucking shit. This is what apparently at least this christiano dude

This is what he thinks the atheist world is to be fair though He is at this point in the movie accurately describing my existence if you replace those Beer cans would just like power protein bars and shit That's my life if there was a punk sleeping on his face I'd be like fuck you Christiano films, copyright and French men. The Eli Bosnian story I already have the website and everything and now we meet his guardian angel gay Kevin Neelan and here's the thing I try to think of things to compare this character to that is a better comparison to gay Kevin Neelan and it's not

Physically He just is gay Kevin he just is oh my god this guy to and and I This guy was going for it right like this guy honestly thought he was gonna get like a Christian Oscar or something for this movie or whatever and every See this guy is 100% Going for it. He's got that whole like um, you know what community theater Shakespeare thing going on Yeah, I wrote what's wrong with his voice. I think he's saying every fifth word like Sean Connery He looks like a sweater filled with cream

a mushroom soup. Okay. It looks like Zach Braf got fucked by a Haines display. Awesome. His name is Muriel. Yeah. I wrote, yeah, I think the angel should have an old lady's cat's name.

Come on, Muriel. Take your damn beatest medication. Should I have read the Bible way to God damn much. come on, Muriel, take your damn beatest medication. Should I have read the Bible way to God damn much, Muriel is one of the fucking our gangsters. Anyway, so, so yeah, so Muriel explains that now he gets to see what the world would be like if he had never been a believer, God heard his prayer

and he's gonna show him and then the angel's gonna get his wings. We've seen the fucking movie. So now it's off to school with the sinners because apparently Doug is now his body now that he's not a Christian right yeah and the atheists are mean to the old lady who just literally gardens all day and hey somebody drive by is in the movie right and there is this cleavage I think she used a racial slur as they drove away because they're like what's going on you coming in a party tonight baby girl again the entire shots on her cleavage

and she like looks down the ground she's like mother it was just pick a dara rose to you. Wap mother fuckers tell me should I killed you crowd mother fuckers if I wasn't busy burying my husband. Yeah right. Like that black son of a bitch up. Oh shit and of course he was so they get this cool and you know they're mean to the old lady they're everything's wrong and as they're getting out of the cheat they're like you know all right guys we're cut in fifth period you go to the lake right you know because they're atheists and of course Christians don't know how to get out of jeeps Everyone in this... David R. White looks like a mime doing his first attempt at being trapped in a box. He's like, do I put both legs inside me and then I'll...

Wait, I go through the bottom, through the floor? It looks solid, but let me try wishing. Even the other actors in the scene are like, David, just get out of the car. It's not part of the movie and he's's like oh my penis got caught in the door handle how where did your pants get off I thought for friction and he falls out his ass getting out of the car and there's literally a seriously this happens there's literally a cartoon banana peel sound effect yes falls out of the jeep Yes, but yeah, right?

If dad had just cut in right there and gone, that's enough comedy. That would have been fucking awesome. Anyway, so now oh, and then we also have to get him to be a mean to Vicki. She was the nice girl that really liked him that he should have been wanting to fuck the whole time. So they do the exact same bullying they did to him in the other universe, Tviki, with no like changes, and they're just like, yeah, give her a wedgie, we'll see you in gym class. Oh wait. Cristiano, these lines don't work for this character. Keep going.

My little fuzzy man teaches, oh, make your wreathle. Make your wreathle. Mmm, that's the Christian athletic club. each of us make your wreathle make your that's the christine athletic clack clackity clack goes to celerthane say what you will about that is

has to i will yes um so uh... now tamer shows up and she's mad that he didn't call her because apparently he's fucking uh... tamer now in this universe and she's a mouthy bitch about it.

And she is desperate for the D. Like we cut to them in class and she's like, let me give you a hand job during science class you asshole. And he's like, no, I want to learn. And by the way, like what's up? Her face was so scrunchy. It's like a regular size head with a little scrunchy face,

like an underachieving voodoo head shrinker got to her. Yeah, weird. It would look like, yeah, yeah, it's like a regular sized head with a little scrunchy face like an under achieving voodoo head shrinker got to her. Yeah weird it would look like yeah yeah look like she was sucking a lemon the entire time. So now he gets to school or he gets to class and he's like hmm where's Ricky? No Ricky was the the fucking emaciated AIDS body that he had earlier. So he turns to this black and he goes hey man where's Ricky? Hey only black guy with lines. Where's Ricky? Well, Dan, I'm so glad you asked.

He's in the hospital. And that's not the only thing that happened recently that probably would have been different if you were a Christian this whole time. Here's a list of several more. But you already knew all this, though. Why am I telling you this? You were there.

Those are almost as exact words. You already knew this. This trip doesn't make sense. Why am I telling you this? You were there. Those are almost exact words. Like, you already knew this. This trip doesn't make sense. Why am I telling you this? I didn't realize you could Christian the psychopaths around you from beating people on conscience. Yeah, so that's what we're supposed to be learning here that if he hadn't been Christian,

then Bull would have beaten up his buddy and put him in the hospital. Now, what we're supposed to believe then is that, if you're an atheist, you would never try to stop a bully from beating up your friend And again just because that's true of my life doesn't mean it's true I broke in clock twice a day exactly my lawyer's been informed about this But I'm also but isn't that got like because God's setting this on up isn't that God's way of saying if you don't love me enough I'm gonna beat up your best friend, But God has the same ammo as the mafia. I got a certain associate who's a psychopath who might see your friend in the way to the hospital if you don't

Like my kid. Yeah, like a weird preschool mom And now we oh, so of course he runs to the Christian fellowship class or the Christian athletes thing or whatever Which like this is so fucking stupid. Like you don't know now that you're anyway. So he goes to the class where as Christian athletes thing is supposed to meet and now it's just sewing class. Yeah. And we know that because there's a giant pair of scissors on the

wall, just a giant pair of scissors and some yarn on the wall. Like they might as well have been like home at class definitely not a Christian athletic Just smeared eggs on the wall perfect. And again, it's 1992 here. We should they come into the home at class and it's all Girls, you know, just like 26 girls and a woman teaching it and yeah, there's ribbons and scissors So yeah, so apparently now this is where murals shows back up to explain to him that you know like well you weren't alive or you weren't to Christians so you know you didn't start the FCA and now there is no Christian athletic association and that's supposed to be our moment of oh my god. Muriel's acting known here was 1920s rapist And then we get the single

Greatest thing that's ever happened to anybody ever You're talking about mr. Gallagher mr. Oh my god. Oh My fuck it we could do a entire episode You do it a tie on Mr. Callahan On Just His Appearance This guy walks up just to tell him, hey, you're slacking in the hallways or whatever But I paused the movie here, I'm Mr. Callahan And just sat there savoring this guy's physical appearance for a solid 15 minutes He looks like someone crossbred a chia pet with odd job from James Bond

And he looks like they fired him out of a naval gun to get to the set too. Looks like a kung fu hustle character, eight Willy Wonka's blueberry pie. He looks like a crazy scientist guy from Waterworld, fucked a troll doll and Miss Piggy carried the baby to term. He looks like a surprised Japanese man having an allergic reaction. It looks like Paul from Cheers becoming Supreme Dictator of North Korea. It looks like white Don King, a black Don King. Holy shit this guy.

You know what, we're gonna make that guy's image, the fucking image for this episode. This, oh he's so beautiful. Now we're back to lunch. And this is so fucking, this is another bizarre, like this is a 49 minute movie, and they kept this in. There's like an eight minute establishing shot for lunch, but no one's there, none of the characters that we're following is there.

So then we go out to the hallway. Right. We go out to the hallway, and there is Melanie, who we learn is Bull's girlfriend and Melanie is just for the D you have and look good for Melanie but she is terrifyingly desperate the D I wrote later on in my notes Melanie is going to uncross her legs in front of a bunch of cops. Melanie would not be ignored.

I gotta say this is, this really fucked me up because Melanie looks incredibly lot like my high school stalker chick. It was like, I was really, I was getting a little nervous, like kind of back and away from the camera when she was on. There's very weird personal moment, but yeah, she is begging David A.R. White to fuck her right there in the hall and he chooses not to for some fucking reason. I mean I'm really we're supposed to believe that this dorky geek kid has the first opportunity to get some pussy and he's not going to go for it.

This is an imaginary universe. David White even though he could get laid for the because she's like come over tonight my parents won't be there are you free and I wrote my notes Melanie I'm free I mean I'll pause you Are you free and I wrote my notes Melanie? I'm free. I mean I'll pause you Seventy's push looks like So now we cut to like the top So now we cut to mr. Milner's class where they're getting their test results back but hey wait a minute mister milleners not there anymore because david a our white isn't christian

well i wrote mister milleners a woman if he's an a ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha there's trans ambitions. Yeah. Mr. Milner retired because there were no Christian students to give him hope, apparently. And also, like, so he's saying to his bodies, he's going, Hey, where's Mr. Milner? I haven't figured out this alternative universe thing. Even though I walked into the FCA and it was a sewing class. And Doug goes, dude, did you smoke some bad weed this morning or something? Some... No, because that's not a fucking thing. I mean when you smoke bad weed you're just like, oh man That was a regular Fuck you. I gave me a tryer. That's not yeah, so I love that they couldn't even find a person who'd smoke weed to run this scrap

By hey, it's just does this make sense is this what atheists would say they put heroin in it too, right? That's cost effective Sometimes they mix like your weed because it gets you addicted to other we I don't know how any drugs I just had a beautiful flashback in this moment to remembering to thinking that was real as a kid being like they put crack in weed Sometimes I can buy more weed thinking man. I am not getting the right dealers here, right? I'm gonna buy my own crack. So so now speaking of not understanding how shit works now we cut to them cutting class now I've cut class a few times going to a You know mildly nice diner for brunch was never high on the list of things to do when I did.

Yeah, and they peel away in their Jeep like diner where we learn that apparently in this universe David A. R. White is fucking Tamra and Melanie Atheism a suck. I mean what what message are they trying to send here? It's fuck lots of girls. Wow Also, he's trying he's his friend. They don't know what it's like to fuck lots of girls or girls at all because this friend is like Hey, man, how do you do it? And he goes must be all in the wrist What are you more about the elbow? I want to make it a finger I want to see you lose your virginity. I want to be there when this happens He's like I thought the wrist would be more involved

So this is also where we meet Mr. Milner in this universe. He's a crotchety old bastard that waits table at the atheist diner. And this character actually bitches about the MTV's these days. Again, it's 1992. He comes up to the table and is like, why are you on? I'm a waiter now. One star on health, mention me my by name, please I pray for death Video killed the radio star Also he refuses to serve them based on a sincerely held religious belief This this moon was fucking prophetic yeah So now we get to the his buddies dropping him off at home and now his car is all fast and

Atheist apparently yeah look at that ride, fire red and with four tires. It's a fucking limiter, a wristmo. I mean, it matches my Tangerine Orange atheist shirt. Yeah, right. It's right. This is where we find out that his parents are divorced. Yes, because he was an atheist. I wrote my nose. I'm like, are you fucking telling me that has been this to make snow god damn sense

Again, this is how it happened to Eli, but So yeah, so first of all mom's divorce because he's an atheist and she's running off the fuck West as soon as he gets home because you know Divorced atheist moms ignore their children and just go run off to fuck people. Yeah, okay, I just want to point out Atheist divorce less than Christians and we don't think it's immoral, so fuck you hypocritical assholes. But also, this is where we learn that his little sister,

Jenny, the one with the radio, is non-existent. I'm like, oh, please tell me she was aborted. Please, oh, please, please, please tell me those, oh, you weren't Christian enough, mom got an abortion. Now that you didn't Jesus all over the house, I just went to a planned parenthood and it was basically you ever see me sit on a vacuum cleaner? It was me. I'm not trying to replace your father. I'm trying to. Anyways, I'm gonna go blow Western is tento. Yeah, and of course mom is, you know, tells them to have fun at the party because she doesn't care if he goes get drunk because atheism. And then Muriel

reappears and explains that it was his prayers that held them together. Yes. That his parents went through a hard time a few years back and it was David or white's prayers that kept them. So this is the message they're sending to children of divorced couples. You didn't pray hard enough. It's your fault. That is the message this goddamn movie is actually sending to children.

I also love when he explains the car, you know, like, Muriel goes, sweet ride here and there you go. And he's like, I could never afford a car like this. He goes, well, you bet the football game's pretty good last year So they're also saying well also if you gamble you can afford a nicer car right atheism The fuck is wrong with this movie?

We're checking out the statistics here, and it seems that atheists have more sex and money. How do we put a bad spin on that? Let's not let's not we'll just show that and we'll say it's bad later that's not let's not we'll just show that and we'll say it's bad later and by the way maryl can only talk if he looks away up into the yes yes say sentences and that's what's happening you have to be standing behind him to the left that's also important that's where the cue cards were and uh... yeah right also he looks like a male hooker who kisses on the mouth oh yes oh yes and uh... the so the ringing. He runs in to get the phone.

Tamara calls him for four seconds. She says seven o'clock, I'll be waiting and then hangs up. Is that a kidnapper? What's that? Right. I'm into it. I'm OK no matter who that was. So he rushes out to go see Muriel and tell him,

hey, man, I'm going to go at least get some pussy while I'm in this alternative universe. But now Muriel is vanished once more. also he's apparently like 31 words into his statement before he realizes that he's not talking to anybody very clearly staring at where Miriel was. Yes, yeah, Hey, Miriel, I want to know that oh, he's got no David, you look the other direction. Then you look back on fucking real and now we've got a solid handle on what the life of a non-believer must be like I guess we need to take a break to chug a beer and divorce my wife, but before we do let me give act three the hard sell here

It's even better than act one and two. I swear it is Noah Noah What is it? You wish to know what it would be like if you were never a believer and now it's come true. Oh no, is everybody okay? Are my parents divorced? Is my sister gone?

Did the school bully murder somebody and somehow that's also my fault? What? No, no, I said not a believer, not this is the world if you were a dickhole Oh, okay, all right so so so what's different? Well, you don't hate fags anymore Yes, you do oh Oh second glance, oh second glance, you put a tickle in my pants, the way your xenophobic rants are couched in family friendly tropes. Every frame set me aflame and made me stand up to proclaim, when I hear this movie's

name my tally wacker telescopes. I mean the jeans I'm never seen denim tucked, tucked into a spleen, and be obscene if all your teens were in their early fucking thirties. What's with these clothes? Did you suppose Gelspans should touch their embryos? I've never seen such camel toes. Is that the outline of her herpes? This travesty so gladdens me.

The Oscars might get mad at me, but I'm gonna start my own academy just so this can be inducted. And the soundtrack like you found crack, then you smoked a couple pounds, smacked your head into the ground, and saw a glock and spiel and fucked it. And gay Kevin Neal and left me feeling like I was dancing on the seal in the way his unappealing deal and may not believe him seemed so awesome. And you imply that God decides to get involved with Danny Christ. I wish I was, you Christianized, but when kids are raped, he's playing possum. Your ostracism earned my jism when you imply that atheism is just blatant, heedingism

when the sight of absent parents. Oh Jesus man, you had a fan the moment Scotty pumped his hand and plus there's Mr. Callahan's trick cigar appearance. My man, me monocrystiano though your skull is filled with guano. You made me squeal like a soprano with his cinematic turd. I'm in a trance and there's a chance we see the buttings of romance for you gave a second glance and I wouldn't mind a third. And we're back to the gift that keeps on giving and we're gonna hop back in with a 26-minute Davie White getting ready for the party scene set to Casio's 80 glam rock. My music note here is Diana Ross would slit her fucking revised. No shit. A little max gonna make it all the way down the west side.

Highway. Awesome. I could watch David our white get ready forever just gently touching his hair and face to try to be not already in hair and makeup. Yeah, should I dress like Charlie Brown or Color Me Bad? Does it feel like a Charlie Brown day? No, Color Me Bad. It was definitely a Color Me Bad kind of day. I think I'll dress like a porn couch instead. Right, it might as well have been a fucking leisure, so yeah, yeah, and more jeans high enough to think the mighty bush is funny Seriously, I have never their turtle neck sweaters with legs So yes, and now we get to the party Christian Corey Haynes rockin is paisley button now the world's ugliest Sure, by the way

This is a small thing. On the way into the party, one of the extras, did you guys notice this guy? All he has to do is walk into the house. That's his entire job that day is walk into a house on camera. And he accidentally like just turns into a zombie at the last second his arms are out and legs are out. They kept it. Hello my baby. I'm not on any. No, just walk, Brian. Fuck you.

Ribbit. Yeah, of course, he's there for all of 10 seconds before somebody hands him a cup of the devil's swill there. Yeah. And of course, this is where we realize he's going to have some lady problems because Melanie's here and Tamer's here. Uh-oh. And Melanie looks like Yoko Ono's white daughter. Melanie gave me fucking high school PTSD entire time. Oh my god.

Also, just a couple of notes on this uh this atheist party. Here's how you know it's an atheist party. At one point a dude reaches into the refrigerator, hands out a couple of drinks, but then also reaches into the the meat area Pulls out an entire Bores head hold cut him and Tired the whole thing wrap holds it over his head like you found a kilo of blow Party goes wild. Should I cut this into line to? What's it is that you know that's maybe there's some Jews or there were some atheist Jews Wow. Should I cut this into line, dude? Who wants to get port? What is, it is that, you know, maybe there's some Jews, or there were some atheist Jews in space.

There's Muslims there. I need Goldberg from earlier is also going through this. This is really happening. Never be Jewish. Again, just because it's my life doesn't mean the movie isn't still there. I think our audience is going to be confused about how realistic this film is. So now we're getting like his two girlfriends meeting up at the party. There's gonna be a bitch fight or something. And Melanie, you know, Tamer's like, how dare you, Melanie's like, I'm pregnant with his

baby and we're gonna get married. And I'm like, no, no, you're, you're a, a thious. You can just eat that. I wrote, good thing you're an atheist, just kicker in the stomach. No, not sweet the leg Johnny. Oh, sweet the leg. Oh, let's talk about this at the top of some stairs.

No. It's like that fun pool prank, except. Doesn't change your life. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, no, and it, it don't make it it go. In this point she's like she's like he doesn't listen. You wouldn't get it anyway. He's been hit by a car somewhere. Just for us everyone's like, this is cool. Yeah, right, right. This is it's kind of like the jokes about Luke's girlfriend. Yeah, last week. He loved that. He did, he did.

He loved it about it. We're personalizing each joke, so let's just one at a time now. We're on the seas. Today it's Cody. So yeah, so like, and then of course, once Tamra storms off Melan, he's like, I'm not really pregnant.

I was just saying that to get rid of that bitch. And I'm like, oh my God, she even has my stalker's tactics. Yeah, oh shit, she just said that fuck. She's gonna jump out of a bathtub you did right then uh david our white trust to run after her but there's too much wind resistance from his enormous silk shirt like tacking and jiving glides off of a bumbum's lip right here exactly so and then Doug is gonna go out and help him

because he sees that his buddy is in bad shape, but there's a hot chick, so he has to stop and say, Hey, weren't you on the cover of Glamour magazine? And what a lot, what a lot, so much about this is this is a bunch of geeks sitting around in room going, what would a non geeks say if a pretty girl was there? Okay, guys, I've got a suggestion, but the Lord's gonna have to forgive us pretty hard for this One time my grandmother accidentally dropped a glamour magazine out of her back. I know it gets worse And the lady on the front she just radiated sin

Just the whole white-ing secretly praying the bathroom is hard as they got. Guys, we're all out of tissues again. Yes, because we've been writing so hard. So of course, our hero goes outside to find Tamer, where she's all stationary and pouty. Right. And Tamer's like, I'll never live this down. Everyone's saying how stupid I am.

And I wrote, yeah, I mean, that's because you're stupid. I feel like that's not on him. I can't blame him for that. Right, and he's like, but Tamer, I love you. He's like, no, you're in person, you care about it yourself because you don't have Jesus in your life and that's how it is. Right.

He's right under my nose. And I wrote right under her hooked bird looking nose. And also she's like, you know, I don't care if you are and this is her actual line. I don't care if you are the man to be around. She uses that phrase twice to describe him, the man to be around. Yeah. What the fuck? Like, wait, again, what goddamn century were these writers from? She apparently also in the scene, she's wearing a jersey? Sure. And that's it?

It's just like a football jersey? Something like that. So this is where he realizes, too, that he only went out with him because he's the man to be around not because he cares about him as a human being. And you know how when you're getting your rocks off, it matters so much. Yeah, especially when you've never had sex before. Yeah, oh yeah. What are the deeper connotations of this?

Does she like me for me? I've never stuck my dick in something. Yeah. You're telling me teenage boys who will heat up a banana and fuck it would be really concerned with the deeper levels of his high school relationship You know what I would I would freeze them sometimes I'll like the spaghetti squash, but do she like it?

You got to get it with the right fork. Yeah, right. Yeah, of course of course It's just proper etiquette right there. So now it's so tamarins through with his two timing us but it's gets even worse than that because now Melanie is calling bull the bully guy from before who is apparently Melanie's girlfriend uh... or boyfriend rather and uh... she wants to tell them that's all Danny's fault that they broke up and that he used her and that she that uh... he needs to come to the party and beat Danny up right and meet loaf at this point is trying to comfort Danny. Yeah.

He comes out and he's wearing what appears to be medical scrubs over a sweater. I have Miss pajamas scrubs. Yeah. We all called them scrubs. And he's like, I got a prey. And Doug tries to comfort him by saying, man, the girls out at the lake, because they're supposed to go to the lake, whatever, girls out at the lake make these girls look like six graders. And I wrote, so hotter, I don't get it.

This metaphor missed me in the like 29 years old. I understand. Yeah, so then they head back into the party. And then he remembers that he was supposed to meet Scotty Parks to talk about Jesus that day. And apparently he still hasn't figured out this whole alternative universe thing because then he starts walking around and going like, hey guys, does anybody know where Scotty Parks is? I was supposed to meet him today for some Jesus Jesus. And I guess so he goes to a Scotty sister Molly Ringwald

from earlier and says, hey, we're Scotty and she starts crying because, and I wrote in my notes at this point, oh please let it be because he killed himself and yes indeed Again if your friends kill themselves kids, it's your fault Because you didn't have enough Jesus Holy fucking shit and of course my music note at this point is the terminator will shoot her right in the tech war And of course my music note at this point is the terminator will shoot her right in the tech war My my music note here was the boss in this water level is fucking impotency Also weird note at the very end of the scene. It's just a little thing But young Noah with prom hair just grabs on to David our white before he leaves

And he's like hey man, you gonna hang out at the party and then just that's it It's just it. We didn't know Noah was in these movies, but now you know what motivated our show. Trying to keep it a secret this whole time. I loved your blowout. Thank you, thank you. So then Bull shows up and he's like, Burgess, because that's Danny's last name.

Say your prayers. Man, get it? Prayer. Yeah, we learn that being an atheist doesn't stop him from running like a woman. I wrote my notes here. Yeah, we learn that being an atheist doesn't stop him from running like a woman. I wrote my notes here. The music at 37 minutes 50 seconds is all I need. I no longer need food or sleep. Just this music and sunlight.

I wrote a McGuyver is gonna lose it Tetris. Also, Neo is having heroin with drop. Yeah, right. Right. And so like so he's running away from the bullies. The bullies are all chasing him to beat him up for fucking Melanie or whatever. There's this great moment where he turns around

and pushes one of them that's getting too close to me. Oh, my god. And it's got like this whole like, phenomenally, like the turnaround, head fake dodge thing. He does. He's getting caught. And then he stops, turns around toward the guy who's chasing him. And the guy's like, no man, I'm not chasing you.

You have to keep going to the tech, you're it. Go toward the camera, say it, you're it. It's like the fucking memento guy. Can I roll over a gun? No, not for like 10 seconds. No. All right. Yeah, why didn't he just use some of the ninjutsu?

Do you think when I grow up, my face will stop growing? No man. I don't think so. So now he's trying to okay so he's running from these guys and he gets to the church and he's trying his best but the church is locked and he can't get in and the bullies are right behind him. And he is such a bit he's like don't kill me don't kill me I'll suck you dick. I'll suck you dick. You'll never have a blowjob so good and then the I said hey man because he snapped He's no longer in that pretend universe. He's like hey, what's going on? He's like I will I'm caught all the walls I'm smaller for like 20 minutes. He's like no, I'm just hey, this is a different universe now Please stop saying that damn I've seen

No, the his honest lines though is when the bully shows up his on his actual answer to Cowardown curl up in a ball and say don't kill me don't kill me those are the actual words that this guy fucking uses that is amazing and again just because it's based on my life doesn't This is all a huge So yeah now he's back in I'm a Jesus or a world and it turns out that Bull was just there trying to help him because he was trying to get in the church. Right. And Bull has this weird moment where he's like, Hey, I want to talk to you later about who I should have done shouldn't put in

the hospital. It's confusing. And David, our white's like,, sure man, we can talk about that later. So then Bull takes off and Muriel reappears. And Muriel is here because you thought this movie had reached peak insanity at this point. He's also there because the McPoyle twins fucked Craig Ferguson. Yeah. He sounds like Hannibal Lecter was a cartoon beaver. I know, Clarice. But next to him, Wood. I don't know. What a be beaver. I live Clarice, but he likes the wood. I don't know, what a beaver's eat. They chuck it.

No, that's a wood chest. So then we get that, he goes, you know, do you still wish you were a non-believer? And he's like, well, I never get a chance to fuck those two women, so I don't think I have a real very accurate. Sure, sure, sure, sure, you still wish that you were a beater. What do you feel about that? So he's like, yeah, right, and that's again,

that's what's so fucked up about this is that it's like, okay, so you get to see what all of the bad parts are. Like you get all the consequences with none of the fun shit. I mean, even if that's gonna be your angle to the movie, you have to let him get laid and get drunk before you get him hangovers and get him beat up for fucking the check, that's stupid. Anyway, so then, but he's all excited

because he says, he says to Mirreal, he's like, what about Scotty and Mom and Jenny? And he's like, yes, everything's back to the way it was. God will kill them later. And with Jenny, not as later as you'd hope. But you know, rape to death in the woods, actual, both tits hacked off, while she was still alive, terrible, terrible.

Good thing that rapist asked for forgiveness I'm sorry. What were you asking? He also has this weird moment where apropos of nothing he's like you can't have a relationship yet because you're not Married and he says quote you desire physical pleasure and I was like gross If I had three wishes all three of them are not to hear Muriel say you desire physical pleasure. Oh my god, his whole, I think we've learned something today speech was so bad. I almost copied it into the notes verbay. And I'm pretty sure the point he was making is like, don't you want a virgin to marry?

Is that what he was saying? Yeah, he's saying like the Lord's actually maximizing pleasure with this policy. Dan's like, I understand like, tighter. We're talking about tighter for time. Yes Try and fit your thumb inside my fist Can't do it can you it's all about the risk? Yeah, it's all about nothing more pleasurable than two virgins fucking are you kidding me? You know how great you were to caught wheel the first time You know how great you were to cartwheel the first time you thought it? It's like that except you end up in someone's butt hole

And she's not entirely sure you're doing it wrong. So yeah, and there's also a little slut shaming for Tamra here Because he's like tell me Daniel how many other men will you want the women you've married? You've been intimate with? Because Tamra is a used up who? My note here, no it was doing it perfectly, my note was, please stop talking like a dragon. What's happening? Literally, I typed that in, I typed it in the very next line, he says, the lake of fire is for you. Yes, it happened in that exact order.

I had to stop it for like 20 minutes. It's amazing. Oh man, no, yeah, like I said, he was going for it with every fucking line. We also learned that Doug is a secret Christian now because of you. Did you know Doug breeds the Bible at home? Just picturing meatloaf and then he be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be be beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep Bulletin high school that's sad at home watching this movie that we're like yeah, I bet Eli's a secret Christian Yeah, I bet he's reading the Bible right now Honey, why are all these photos of Emma Thompson sticky? Remember my mom get out of my room. God

So yeah, so this movie's primary message though is even when it seems like everybody doesn't like you and even if they explicitly tell you that they don't like you they're wrong keep Jesus saying. That's the message we're getting though because like everything about this movie is yes we understand we've turned you into an annoying bastard and we're stealing away all the social shit that everybody else to get to look back on on high school with fondness and joy and everything. And instead you'll spend the entire time fucking thinking back on when you hidden the fucking shower and cried for 45 minutes because you just masturbated or whatever. Yeah, but that's okay because it all matters in the end. And just in case you didn't think this movie was going to go full blown fucking crazy, Miriam's like, because you know the rap says coming soon. And even our white's just totally normalized by that. Yeah, yeah, no, no, yeah, raptures coming soon. Absolutely.

It's like the tomorrows Friday of Christians. It's like tomorrows Friday, right? Yeah, I think it's a, yeah, it's Friday. Frighters coming tomorrow with the scorpions. Yay! And then Muriel next, next, next. The next, the next. And then Muriel Batman's away,

and I wanted so badly for there to just be a crucifixor ring stuck in the ground. And he was. Well, before he does though, he tells him that he's not even suspended anymore in this world because Mr. Milner figured out what really happened. And God came in and helped him out with the problem that God didn't help him out with earlier,

even though God could out. So now we're back at home in the morning and of course mom's cooking breakfast again because you know she's Christian. And Jenny's sneaking into his room again to fuck up his alarm. I wrote my notes. It's weird that the sister wakes up at 6 a.m. just to hurt her brother. I know it's supposed to be comedy but it's a weird moment. Yeah, yeah. So, and also, we get a great shot here, because it shows him waking up, we get a great little acne shot, kind of made it feel like a prequel to last week's movie. Right after this, the atheism takes over. Yeah, yeah, it loses it at me. It's just like 30 years from now. It's cool. He's all over there. He says hi to the old lady and he's like, hey Mrs. Whatever and she's like go fuck yourself. All right. I

Want so badly that character in the neighbors from fireproof. They're just all That fucking Christian kid. I'm out here trying to bury these goddamn azaleas or whatever the fuck I'm doing in No where in New York and this asshole rides up in his car surprises. Me, I feel my pants with poop every time he's like, oh God, I feel where she's squirt. Ruined six pairs of granny panties this way. Go fuck yourself, get to school. That's it.

And now we're back to the, to the rake friend who's no longer in the hospital from being beaten up and they're trying to save athlete souls for Jesus together like they should have been all along. And he says, hey man, you seem like you're in a better mood. Are things going better with Tammy? And he says, nope, things are good with Jesus. Yes.

Holy fucking shit. And then as though this movie wasn't filled with terrible advice for kids that are getting beat up all the time Here comes another great one when Doug shows up He decides to challenge Doug the bully to watch his Christian movie. Yeah, super met it Doug Give the film a chance. Okay. It's not bad. You're real sick. Okay We give him a bunch of Benadrill before every shoot Wait, what are we is the movie the movie within the million?

We got the cast from Space Jam, it's a great cartoon. And also like in the scene, like when the bullies like, no man, I don't want to go your stupid Christian movie, he grabs him. He grabs the bullie and says, make time. And I'm like, okay, that's your advice to the beat up kid then is to grab the bully when he tries to get away from you and try to force your religion on him in public school i love it awesome i'm gonna make you eat your movie

what is all this says all right i'll come but if i don't like it i'm walking out and i wrote my notes flash cut to Doug walking yeah walking out and I wrote my notes flash cut to Doug walking yeah but we know that he secretly jerks off of the Bible the angel told us he was looking for an excuse and then yeah so they have their little stare down over watching the Christian movie quite amazing and then we have to get to Vicki you know he's got to go for it with the good Christian girl you want to read some Bible verses and do some over the pant stuff yeah literally. Literally he says, the Lord is showing me some good stuff lately. And she's like, oh yeah, and he's like, can I tell you about it? And she's like,

that'd be great. And she sort of smiles. And I'm like, unless the Lord showed you that you have to lick back the hood before you work on the stuff, you don't got anything Vicky's interested in. Let's say, apparently, that's how you wet-bab those panties, though. And what's so funny to me is that that, like, they seem so smooth with that, like, when it came to an atheist fart, they're like, dude, nice to you on clamor magazine

with your boobs. But when it comes to a Christian, it's just like, oh, yeah, no, I think this is exactly, yeah, that's how I wet my wife, yeah. So, and then, of course, we see Scotty, right? So Scotty, who killed himself in the alternative universe, of course, is back again now. So David Away walks up in hugs him which is kind of you know probably kind of weird for scotty and he says uh... you guys just i've got a ton of questions to which

Danny says uh... gods got the interest and i think maybe it was like why did you just run up and hug me in school man like i mean you, go well for the whole not getting beat up thing. And then the movie comes to the most glorious clothes. I mean, this is right up there for me with like usual suspects. It's really good. The clothes for lock stock into smoking barrels. Eh, you know, whatever. Yeah. You know, whatever. But holy fucking fucking shit the close of this movie They do a call back to the fist pump Jesus man Coming from fucking Christian Corey Hayme and then they freeze frame on it and run the credits over it Hide it together. Yeah, and no one's notes at this point are in 36 font and

No one's notes at this point are in 36 font. An impact font, I turned it impact and I made it bold too. I was so fucking happy. Okay, so the first time this happened in the movie, I stopped the movie, had to walk out, tell my wife about it, like bring her in, you gotta see this guy say Jesus man, this is so funny. I've sent a note to Eli Ely hadn't watched the movie yet, I'm like two words for you dude, Jesus man.

And I was like, I was telling my wife I'm like if we ever needed just like one clip of a video to represent everything we do This would be the clip this was it the first time this came up the fact that they brought it back at the end I thought my god Cristiano loves me and I love him to I love my business card now my digital business cards You know you can make a Facebook video for your profile pictures Jesus man digital business cards. You know you can make a Facebook video for your profile pictures. Jesus, man. That's what I want. Someone make a clip of that for me. I will love you forever. Okay, so this is literally true. When this happened in the movie, I laughed so hard, I saw spots.

And he might as well be doing like a gesture jump. Oh, yeah, exactly. It's the end of the film shoot. Right, right, exactly. And the entire credits roll over that the whole time He's got the fucking smiley face look going. I note for the credits by the way the king is here My note was I'm the prom queen at Rivendell Middle School I wrote you just beat Zelda on Nintendo 64 and I'm also I also wrote a love poem for this movie which I will do every day for 80 fucking years This was the greatest goddamn thing that ever happened

Um, and we also there was also a closing note that I had to write down. This was this was beautiful So at the end of the movie I think this is after the credits and everything They tell you why they made the movie and here is that this is verbatim what what mr. Kristian I wanted you to know. We made this film to show you how much impact one person can have on people for the cause of Christ. In the world, we may be thought of as own important, but as Christians, we possess the power of the Lord and can be a tremendous influence in today's society no matter what our talents.

The true heroes. You don't have to make a disclaimer. Yeah, you don't even have to be able to make movies. You can still make a big impact. Sounds like a fucking one of those affirmations. Yeah, I've certainly put this at the end. And it was thought of as on a people's work. Like actually. You know, I'm sorry, I got to finish it off here. The true heroes in this life are those

who impact others for the cause of Christ. This is a success. This is living and this is what will count for eternity. The only thing that can stop us is ourselves. Thanks for watching. That was beautiful. And then the website, and I wrote your damn right, I'll visit your website. Right, right. We'll see now, I gotta be honest, I was so depressed when the movie was over because I wanted it to go on forever. I thought about the 40 years of my life wasted not watching this masterpiece. I thought about how we've got five more vultures of horror and no more second lenses and I felt really really sad. But then Eli told me about the Christiano film library. Also I think this is on at 505 and 535 on TBS every day. Oh okay.

Yes there is an entire library of films just like this one and if you watch it online You can watch ads for the following two that they made in the same year as this one and they are equally magical It appears the Cristiano film library is just David our white going through all of the hair styles from the 1920s 1992 haircut in the world's only hair based time traveler. One day my hair will catch up to the present day. The earth will have to stop first, but yeah. So obviously there's simply aren't enough stars in the heavens to give this movie the stellar scale it deserves

So rather than asking how many galaxies you would give this movie on a star-based scale I want to close on a bit of a role reversal, all right So I want you to imagine that you've just been tagged in your 11th creationist argument of the day You spend an hour trying to explain that misogyny is only one of Richard Dawkins many talents you even on Facebook But getting fucking group raped into one doesn't new fuck Jesus groups that you've never heard of, and in your frustration, you cry out, I wish I'd never become an atheist. And the next morning, you wake up a believer. Now, obviously, we just learned that beer cans and sleeping in a backwards baseball cap are the secular tells for a Theistic Freaky Friday. But what are the believers tell us? How do you realize that you're a Christian? Huh. Okay. I'm gonna say my aborted sister

comes back to life. How awesome would that be? I'm gonna say that I can tell because I've duct taped mittens to my hands so that I can't believe they're Do you know about my mother? Why am I learning a bit about this? Do I sleepwalk now? No. Shit. And well that doesn't for our review of second-hand like twins, diving against a pole. He's doing a visual by the way.

I wonder how much we've missed, not recording in the room with Eli. Now he looks like Chad Relay. As I was saying, that does it for our review of Second Glance, but of course that's not going to do it for our episode just yet, because we still need to give you our 166 hour tease. So Eli, tell us, what's on deck? More than chance. Oh good.

Because listen, we've had a lot of fun at some bad movies expenses over the last couple of weeks. And I feel like now it's time for us to prove what terrible people we are. Yes. This movie is about a little Christian girl in a wheelchair who wants to be a ballerina. And I am desperate to make fun of us No has been holding me back for like a month. He's been like no, we got to wait until people like us enough We got a buffer in between two people keep going back and listening to loving the bad man and sending me emails man We got a buffer these shows, but yeah, it's about a little girl whose father Child abuses her into a wheelchair who wants to be a

ballerina and her other side of the tracks friend finds Jesus because of her. Yes. Yeah. That's what we're looking for. So, you know, when in doubt make fun of child abuse and physical disability. I'm by the way I'm reading that off of an embroidered pillow on Eli's couch. That wasn't... Yeah, my grandma made that one. Oh, I see. So with all that to look forward to, we'll bring episode 39 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful. And thereby earn early access to every

episode. I swear heaths looking for that pillow now. He's like, where? I don't see the embroidered pillow in your time. You can also help us out a ton by leaving a five star review on iTunes. And by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoy this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheist, and the skeptic grad available on iTunes, Stitcher, and Wherever else podcast live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off on movies at gmail.com. All the music using this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slatt and I could be able

to draft some of ours and was used with permission. If you like what you hear here more by following the links on the show notes for this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right, Neely, Bosnick, I'm no illusions, promise, and to us a chunk of your life this week. For Heathen, right, Neely, Bosnick, I'm No Illusions Promising to Work Harden on another chunk next week, until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain-wain 9-11 piece. Eventually Sandra figured out he wasn't a man again and got the Mentos anyway. Scotty killed the shit out of himself for being gay. Three months after he would have... ...for being gay.

We're doing a win-on battle! Scotty killed it. Registral of different songs. ¡Hasta la próxima! ¡Vamos a la próxima! Un sueño de verano, Bayhues, Sintal, que sur.