God Awful Movies - 390: Lockdown 2025

Episode Date: February 7, 2023

This week, we learn that there is too something they haven't done with apocalypse movies yet. --- This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/awful and get on your way to being your best self. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

We'll quote explanation for why he suspects Marcus because a liar knows a liar and you're a liar. Yes. I'm a liar So I know you're lying. Margot needs to be like okay, but that means you don't know I'm lying I got it ask me what I would say if you asked me if I'm lying. What? The surgeons and mother, it's the woman. It's the woman. Not awful. Movie.

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movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie., welcome back. Thanks. No, we got an apocalypse movie. We'd remember Don one of those, so that's exciting. It's nice to once in a while, step outside of our normal style.

But it's the J-Dubs, so cool. Yeah, it makes it different. You got to admit, man, this movie was different. It sure was. It was different. It sure was. You can't accuse them of being unoriginal. Yeah. I'm gonna say one of my favorite new genres on our show is the genre of, do you just fuck with us and

pick a random, oh no, there it is. There it is. Just barely. And of course, you've already heard them, but I got to introduce them anyway. It's in the contract sitting nine-hundred miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? Or am I? Yeah. Oh, I'll spoil the whole end.

From who? Interesting. So tell us, Heath, what would be breaking down today? We watched Lockdown 2025. It's the story of Jehovah's Witness writers doing the story of the apocalypse for 90 minutes and forgetting about their whole thing during that entire script and then being like, fuck plus straight ups, plus would you be a J. I'm busy.

It is though. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the mini morality place of Tyler Perry, but you hate how they don't wrap up which religion you should be in the last four and a half seconds. True. You will love this movie. I do love this movie. I love this movie. It's a this movie. I love this movie.

This is a great piece of cinema, that's correct. Bill, yeah. Yeah, no, I certainly had more fun than I normally have. So is there anything you guys wanna nominate this one for being the best of being the worst at? Yeah, I'm gonna go with best worst. I want the food in the movie the whole time. Right?

It was very difficult to watch because I actually had to, they make like these beautiful barbecue ribs at one point and they keep. I feel, I feel like it was like targeted at me. Like the camera would just be like, and there you go, he's, he's, back to the movie. They made ribs at you. Yeah. All right. They looked great.

Yeah. Also, they're never, they're never plot, well, I mean, I'm sure we'll talk about it, but they're never plot rel, I mean, I'm sure we'll talk about it, but they're never plot relevant. So there's just like these weird sweeping shots of delicious juicy barbecue. And then they're like, anyway, so my son's actually a space alien who comes from the planet jesus. Yeah. All right.

So I was, there are so many, I look, I had so many ideas that I crossed off eventually here, but I ultimately went with best worst attack helicopter. Look at their guys, it has, I laugh so hard, it's so loud and so long at the God damn it, it's not the right size, it's just, it's awesome. If you saw it in a video game, you'd be like, come on. Give me a fucking break. Okay.

And speaking of things, we weren't supposed to laugh at, but definitely did. I'm going to go with best worst tragic moment. Okay. Listen, last night before he could finish this movie, he was like, so how's the ending? How's the ending? And I was like, I'm literally not going to say any words about it to you, except that I stood up on top of my chair to laugh higher in the air for some reading. That's how hard I ended up with an ocaptain, my captain moment for this movie at

the end as well. You like predicted that very well. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, with the apocalypse right around the corner and all we need to get the ads in quick while we still can, but we'll be back in a hurry with all the after effects that are locked down 20, 25. Okay. Let me just double check. Give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a

give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it All right. Nice. Oh, has my stash is a good perfect. It's identical. Listen, right? Hey, guys, guys, guys, what's up with the outfits? Like you don't know, we're getting ready for Raycom. Yeah. Obviously, we didn't even know it existed till this week. Hey, guys, what are you talking about? Raycom is premium audio at the perfect price point.

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gam. All right, Heath, guess we better get changed, huh? Yeah. Yeah, or or we could see if there's a Miami vice convention this weekend, you know, don't waste them. So we could use them. Good thinking. Perfect.

Good thinking. All right, guys, time for the first ever writers meeting. A lockdown 2025. Now, I'm sure you're all aware that we want this movie to be a moving and compelling piece of drama that will motivate our viewers to hear the words of Jehovah. Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. Jehovah.

Okay. So, sorry, I got it. Sorry, you got it. Yep. Yep. What we do is we swear and we make this movie as violent as possible. Ah, okay.

I'm just not sure that's gonna really target our audience. Oh, no, trust me. They're gonna love it. Most of the movie will be about a degenerate gambler with heart problems who hates his family. And, and, and then he finds Jesus. Nope. No, he does not.

He does not. His house gets attacked by hacker riddlers and he kills most of his family in a shootout with his wife's lover. What? Because of the hacker riddlers, he said, strangely said? Strangely enough, no, no. The shootout is just an unfortunate coincidence with the hacker. Unrelated.

Yeah, okay, okay, okay, okay. That sounds terrible, frankly, but how is that gonna help people join the Jehovah's Witnesses? I mean, nobody wants to die in a cops suicide after killing most of their family in a panic caused by hacker riddlers. And I mean, nobody wants the Diana cops to decide after killing most of their family in a panic caused by hacker riddlers. And I mean, besides, what else are we gonna do?

Just, just describe our religion? Okay, he's got a point. I mean, right? Yeah, so hacker riddlers, is that what you said? Yeah, they're hackers and the with riddles. Yeah. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're gonna start the with riddles. Yeah. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're going to start off with a John Wick opening, like right,

we meet our hero and he's all bloody and next to dead. Yeah. And so he's got like a bullet wound right in his stomach and he's walking out of his house, walking out the front door onto his porch. And it's Chico from pool hall junkies, by the way, the actor is a character. Chico. We actually, we had him in a day after tomorrow too. He was one of the actors in that. Anyway, okay. Yeah, he's a veteran. Return, returning gam favorite. Yeah, returning gam favorite. Hey, and let me say, let me say too good for this fucking movie. Oh, for sure. Yeah, good actor. Absolutely.

Everyone in this movie is somehow too good for this movie, except for one actor. And I think we're right. So he walks out and he's like, how do you think the world will end? And my first instinct was like, well, I'm pretty sure I know it's going to be flooding caused by the people who like this movie and they're voting hands. But it's the apocalypse. That's the introduction to the apocalypse is going to happen. Yeah. Well, the narration continues. It goes, where would you go if the world was ending? Yeah. Cut to me at the grocery store rolling around on the grapes. Yes. I wrote the weed store. I don't think that's the answer you're looking for a movie, you know, so anyway, so then we back up right we're gonna get there But we open up in a nice house in LA and

Dad's got a pee but teenage daughter is in the bathroom. Okay, this is such a jarring segue Guess it was literal apocalypse a second ago and then yeah, right to like I want pee I have to be right I have to pee in the good bathroom. Not I need room. I like to have the good one. It's emergency. Yeah. Really weird. Yeah. No, this movie can't decide what it is for a really long fucking time. Cause for the first like 15 minutes, I'm like, Oh, God, this is all poop jokes and fart jokes done poorly. And then it's a fucking apocalypse movie. And then it's a family drama. And then it's a horror movie and it yeah.

So but we're still in this scatological portion of the film, right? So dad gets to the bathroom before him and then he like listens at the door. Yeah. That's not just the asker if she's perioding in there. Yeah, he does ask that. Yeah. Yeah, so he goes upstairs, but the toilet up there is clogged so he can't use that and we know because it just shows us a bunch of shit I just a toilet filled with shit. Okay, but here's the thing Whoever did the foley for this particular thing right whoever did the set design for this particular thing, right? Whoever did the set design for this particular thing, they should go to the hospital.

That's not what I was supposed to be. I don't think we're taking Eli's word about this, but that is true. Yeah. I was eating my usual 12 pens a day and they told me I was supposed to create the clogged toilet. Yeah, maybe the one good thing that came out of that movie is somebody convinced that guy to get a colonoscopy. Yeah.

And it's exactly. If there was an in-memorium of the set dresser at the end, I'd be like, yeah, no, I get it. Yeah, but so dad opts to pee in the sink, which we listened to for quite a while, like us. And then we cut back down to the downstairs bathroom where the daughter is turns out she was taking a pregnancy test, which kind of a dick move when you know dad's got to pee. Right?

Like, you just wait until like, like, just like, like, tell you gotta wait like a minute or two for that thing. Come on. Just let it pee and then do your makeup go upstairs, have a pee into an empty glass. You're fine. Whatever. Well, that's true. You could just go out in the backyard. That's fair. That's fair. Yeah. So then he goes into wake his lazy son up, right? This is junior and we're going to meet junior when dad walks in and drops a bunch of shit on the ground to make a lot of noise to wake him up. Just for that, it's so sounds like junior.

And then like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, there must be a better way. I don't know why I carry this entire barbeque in here that I've dropped. It appears that he brought a fish bowl full of dishes to smash for comedic effect. Yeah, so what this is, this is the barbeque grill that junior was going to supposed to put together before he went to bed last night, dammit. And he didn't do it. This junior is a lazy piece of shit, right?

Okay. And he brought it in to show it to, like, I feel like junior would have understood with words of the barbecue. And he, like, no, this. Look, and he throws it up in the air. Yeah. Now, no, you mentioned that like, Junior's a lazy piece of shit

and his dad sort of writes them about it. That relationship transforms and grows throughout the movie, right? It's not just that. Exactly. Over and over again. Well, dad seems to be sad when he's dead at the end. So, spoilers. Yeah, and he's like, but he gets up and he's like, you know, you're a lazy piece of

shit and I will physically abuse you if you give me enough temptation. And he's like, all right, dad. And then dad leaves the room. Junior goes back to bed. And just in case you're thinking, well, that wasn't humorous enough, we close on a quick fart because those are always funny. Classic. Guys, hold on.

What was that scene like fun? I was going for a funny scene. Was that, you know what? F going for a funny scene. Was that you know what fart? Nailed it. Okay. Yes. Exactly just a fight just a fart out and nowhere anyway classic. So then okay So it goes to check on his wife for she's doing a sweaty ass shaking based dance, right? Yep, poor Corobix. I'm on the same program now. She's in week two, I'm already a week four and a half, but like, you know what? That's why you have such similar bodies you and her.

Yeah. So yeah, and as she's doing her exercises, she gets a text and she answers it real suspiciously, right, because like dad walks in at that point and she's like, oh, I was texting my boyfriend. What are you? What were you doing? Right.

As you walk in. So that's important, you know, little foreshadowing. And then there's a knock at the door with some church people, right? Not just any church people, but J. Dubs. And not just any J. Dubs, but like the greatest door knocker J. Dubs I've ever seen this. So yeah, they show up. There's two of them, but the guy. He the old guy. Yeah, yeah, 95 year old man. Go to the door, open it up. And he's like, okay, it's door knockers.

Please leave Babylon. The great has fallen. The moon has darkened. And he likes steps in the door. Yeah, leans all in with all this shit. And that is like, okay, you know what? You know what? You got me.

This is amazing. Like this is the greatest salesman I've ever seen. This guy could sell a fucking bag of sand. Could be absolute. And it's always door like no problem. Could be me. So we could have been successful. So yeah, but he runs off the J. Dubs. And then he goes in, he's to watch

some TV with his younger son, Evan, but all the channels have static, which hasn't been a thing for a really fucking long time. My favorite movie would know also when he discovers the son, the son is watching the static. He's growing through the static. He's like, I don't understand this snow-based programming. That's very odd. I'm slightly bored. Down in front. I'm watching. And then, but then the TV's like dad checks all the channels and they're all static. And then it flips to this weird like German student film that's on every channel. And the kids like this is a boring part of the movie and the desk it is. You want to go play basketball? It's fucking like the blood rights, you know, early fucking psychotronica.

And the kids like, I'm bored. I want Peppa Pig. He totally is. So, okay. So meanwhile, mom is upstairs, unclog in the toilet, and I don't want to blame the victim here, but this is not a given the amount of shit that is in this room on the walls, floors, sinks, you're not doing this correctly. Yeah. The only way that she is doing the correct job is if a shit monster, just a person

out of the toilet, and she beat it to death using that plunger and we're catching the tail end of that. That would have been reasonable. Yeah, absolutely. Okay, she had a literal sledgehammer with her. She had the snake thing. Yes. And she's like, oh, this isn't working and she picks up a sledgehammer and I was like, she could have just beat the shit out of this toilet full of shit and then fight the shit demon that comes out? But no, I guess she just like used it to push the snakes more. Yeah, this is an apocalypse movie. If ever, there was a place for a gole of Gothen, right?

Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, but, but, but she looks outside, she's, dad is out there teaching the kid to shoot hoops and she looks out there and there's a mysterious man watching the dad and the son play basketball a cop, right? Okay, I have to mention this. The man is mysteriously watching and then like they forgot the credits and they were hoping to get half like homework credit for it. They just put one last credit.

They totally did. They're not supposed to even remember that. They're not supposed to even remember that. They're not supposed to even remember that. They're not supposed to even remember that. Oh, you know, who did the film editing? See, I told you we'd work you in, buddy. Really got Jehovah as himself. Okay.

Got it. So, okay. So then we cut to barbecue. This is the first time Heath's best worst is going to show up, right? Oh, it's so good. It is, let's say the most pleasant shot of the movie is the food. Yeah, oh yeah. So, and then meanwhile, so we get the pregnant daughter,

she's on the porch with her boyfriend. And she's like, you know, kind of mailing about and she goes, look, hey, hey, very important, I got to talk to you, I missed my period. The instant that last word is done, we have, we hear a gunshot and we cut to dad like waking up from a nightmare because this movie is insane.

He's on one of those inversion chair things at the time. Yeah, I wrote in my notes, he's having a heart attack on his sex swing. You've talked to your doctor before you use a sex swing. I mean, Adam and Eve.com, but you know, yeah, do they have sex swings for people like me who are bad at cardio and stuff like like, do they have like beginner ones? They have sex swings for everybody. Heathen right?

Cue the music, Morgan. Where would I go? Yeah, all right. He has sex swings for everyone. Adam and Eve. That cop started as a pro char. You keep going. No, I'm doing the podcast. I'm going to do. Yeah, no, no, no, I will. This is an independent sponsorship. Adam and Eve and Adam and Eve and Adam and Eve and Adam and Eve and Adam and Eve and Adam and Eve and Adam and Eve and Adam and Eve and Adam and Eve and Adam and Eve and Adam and Eve and Adam and Eve and Adam and Eve and Adam and Eve and Adam and Eve and Adam and Eve and Adam and Eve and Adam and Eve and Adam and Eve and Adam and Eve and Adam and Eve and Adam and Eve and Adam and Eve and Adam and Eve and Adam and Adam and Eve and Adam and Eve and Adam and Adam and Eve and Adam and Adam and Eve and Adam and Adam and Eve and Adam and Adam and Eve and Adam and Adam and Adam and Eve and Adam and Adam and Eve and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and And then the news comes on and says don't forget there's a one billion dollar lottery drawing which is

We are number four to be that night and dad's really excited about it. He might win the billion Yeah, and he has a laminated Lot of ticket So obviously they just had like a prop and they don't like they didn't want it to get degraded I get they didn't want like the paper to get messed up. So they're eliminated to be a pop. And it's so dumb the way we see it because he sees the commercial for the lottery that he's in. And then nobody else in the room, he just takes the laminated ticket out of his pocket to show to the camera. I am playing this lot. Oh, look, cut. Yeah. Move to the

next scene. Right. Well, right. But then the news continues. It gets so much done. Because the person on the news is like, and residents right now of L.A. are experiencing. And I, this is a fucking quote from the movie, a supercharged electrical rainbows store. Wow. Look, even if that was a real thing, and it's not, but even if that was a real thing, you have to go with the different name. If you're a movie, that's you dumb. Yes, you do. Okay.

Super charged electrical rainbow storm is my rush techno cover band. It cannot be a science thing in your movie when you're trying to do a science thing. Heath, I hate to correct on air, but it is in fact your drag name. Okay. Super. Well, it is most of my drag persona can be in a rush techno cover band. So, sparkle donkey tsunami storm. No, absolutely not.

How much would we all pay collectively to be in the room when these barely sentient J. Dubs were like, name a bad weather and a little. A lot of you school one word from everybody's answer. That's how it goes. It's a compound. It's a compound word. It's part of the doggy. I said it.

Speaking of which, check out sparkle donkey to kill. The daughter says, mom, did you see the sky? It looks all act one out there. Yeah. Those clouds spell out. Oh, man, you think that. Yeah. That's my idea. Yeah. It's just going inside. It doesn't matter. And then everybody starts sitting down at dinner. We get this weird, where we already are

establishing a shot. And then everybody finishes sitting down for dinner. We're back. Who were you talking to? You said we're back. But yeah, they're all sitting down for some ribs and some corn on the cob. It's fucking delicious. And so good. The lottery drawing starts. Dad pulls out his laminated ticket. Doesn't want to get barbecue on it. Right. Now it makes sense. Now it makes sense. He's obviously okay. Fair. He knew he would be having barbecue. I got excited here just because I'm thinking to myself, all right, if this guy wins a billion dollars in the lotto and then the apocalypse happens like right after that, that's pretty funny. Like that is. That's a pretty good start. That's what I was expecting. Yeah. But

yeah, so they're making fun of them for playing the lottery. And I get it, right? That's easy to do. But, but just as, oh, and we should also mention that Todd the jackpot guy, absolutely going for it. Todd fucking Williams, Todd Williams met with his acting coach 62 times in preparation for his line. He was, he was bouncing up and down on the, on the heels. He was ready. He, you're, you're God fucking will.

He never broke character. He killed it. He's still Todd Williams, whatever this actor's name is. No. Small. Rolls. Uh huh. Yeah.

And then, so he's about to give us the lottery numbers, but then the emergency broadcast system cuts in right in the middle of the damn drawing. And everybody's phone gets an amber alert because they don't know specifically what an amber alert. No, someone kidnapped all the emergency. Yes. I also have to point this out because the movie's bad editing does something so funny here. He's watching the TV and then it cuts to an emergency thing and then it's on him for a little too long And then he's like oh man, so

Reaction makes it seem like he thought the lotto numbers were an emergency Really mean it this week So yeah, but after a long while they finally come on and they're like a national state of emergency has been declared martial law has been declared there it is habeas corpus has been suspended okay they say that and then one of the characters in the scene is like

habeas corpus that means the right to trial by jury yes just to like catch us all up and look i get that not everybody knows what that means. And if it's any point in the movie, the fact that habeas corpus had been suspended was relevant to anything. I can see why you might have to set up what that means. But the way you do that is you have the six year old ask, right? You have to have him go, what is habeas corpus?

And so Mrs. is the right to a trial by jury, you know, or whatever. No, an adult is just like that means the right to a child by jury. We all agree that we all knew that. I'm just, I don't know why I said it, but we all know that now. I wanted, I wanted it to keep going, right? And of course, a jury is that big box full of people when your charge would prep positions. You remember the box, don't you? A box is a shape that is

So and then a transformer blows and the power goes out right except the TV right which now has a count a clock counting down from 90 minutes On it. Yeah, can I say I am very impressed by the selective power outage? Yeah, it was the power out except for a very strong blue light from somewhere in their house. Yep. Also, if there's a 90 minute countdown on a TV like that, I'm getting really like, I'm doing something and they're like, Oh, that's, that's a number that's going down. That's no big deal. They decide not to eat the ribs because of it.

That's insane. That's insane. It felt like a trick to get the ribs because of it. That's insane. That's insane. It felt like a trick to get Dave the dragon to eat something that was then going to be like the world after Missile and it's either there's puppies, but they turn into like, they shoot you in the face with like a fireballs. So and then they check their phones, the countdowns on their phones too. And junior, the older son, he goes, it's the illuminati. And I wrote my notes.

You're damn right, it is junior. You're damn right. Oh, I got excited. He started just naming words to give. He hit the direction. He's like population control, new world order. Vima coffins. Okay.

Okay. I had not heard, I had not heard Vima coffins before. Oh, nice. It rules. It's insane. It's a first source. Whatever you think, it's, it's, it's, it's crazy. You're the first source, by the way, like, hey, big shout out, the first source, of course, Jacksonville.com, because not a good start. You know, they had to get out of hand. It's a Jacksonville Florida. First result,

Alex Jones shows up in your house to explain it to you. Look at it. Yeah. But this, this is the conspiracy theory from 2014 that Barack Obama had ordered one billion billion billion. And in case he cut everybody into three goddamn pieces and wanted a different coffin. Yeah. He's on. Remember, remember Jade held in 15 that definitely was going to happen when all of the wall marks were going to get turned into like FEMA camps or whatever. And we're going to civil war.

And Obama was going to put it down and then murder all the insurrectionists, probably in Walmart basements. He would need like a billion coffins already set up. So he bought those is the FEMA coffin. Obviously. Well, but now it is defense, though, that the TV is going like, you know, everyone's staying their homes. We will shoot all looters on site. Okay. I don't, I don't feel like they announced that. Even if they are going to do that, it doesn't seem like a thing. They would probably don't announce it.

You just do it. Also, we're raping all the J walkers. I'm just throwing it out there. Yeah. So and dad argues with junior about whether it's really the illuminati or not. And I'm like, it's a movie, man. You have no chance here.

I was just like, I'm going to shut the fuck up and let him finish. I want to hear about his aluminum theory. Right. FEMA coffins is delightful. What else you got? Yeah. Exactly. So when junior runs upstairs to get away from all of it,

but he climbs out on the roof to look at their after effects rainbow sky, which is it's so bad. The effects in this movie are so hilariously bad, especially because at the end of it, someone looked at that effect and said nailed it. It couldn't have been silly or if it started like blinking eat it, Joe's across its face. Like, it is the old apocalypse either just. But meanwhile, little Evan has a bad case of the movie coughs,

right? Oh, man. Kid is milking his COVID almost much as he did. Am I right? Wow. But yeah, this guy's a post in the kids of coffin. Marcos, that's the boyfriend. That's the pregnant girls boyfriend. He's like, hey, you know what? I should probably go somewhere else now,

and but she won't let him go. She won't let him go outside, because of, you know, the apocalypse. There's a supercharged rainbow electricity thing going. It's a really big deal. You got to, you got to watch out for that kind of shit. But everybody goes outside anyway. The whole neighborhood is standing out in the streets, looking at the sky. There's this great fucking line where somebody's like, where are the

moon and the stars? And the implication right is that they've fallen because this is the apocalypse, but like, it's just really cloudy. Like they show, they, they pan up and it's just super cloudy. Yeah. Probably behind those clouds, dude. I love the idea that the stars would fall is part of the thing. Like in their heads, it's like, well, the stars are up. And down is us. We're at down from there. Exactly.

So stars would be here on the ground. Yeah. Exactly. So stars would be here on the ground. Yeah. And then a car accident occurs nearby off camera. Trust us. And Glenn, I was, he supposed to be like the driver that just crashed or was he supposed to be hit by the car? It's not clear. I, the, the presumption, the presumption of this movie. This is the mom's brother. Yes. And the way they tell us that is four scenes from now. Right, right, right.

Yeah, after we've all written, who the fuck is glad in our notes and increasingly large fonts? Yeah. They make a big deal. They're like, glens here. And I was like, Glenn is who the fuck is glad. Make just don't give him a fake name from a sketch. Like fucking Collins here, whatever, you know, get out of here. Yeah, but so

but Glenn is coming up and he's like giving him like, he's yelling Bible words at him. Right. He's like, it's finally here like a thief in the night. Right. Yeah. He says a bunch of weird things. Thief in the night and then he's yelling about demons. It's going to rain demons on y'all and everybody's like, Hey, hey, yeah. Okay. Can you just the like talk normal? Tell us like the prophecy or whatever. Yeah. Can you give us like an enormous English word regular? You flew over here and almost died driving the mom and signs is trapped against the tree. She turns and she's like, get a little to this guy in my right. We'll go on the nose. Water, the aliens are allergic to water. Spoilers.

So meanwhile, I'd like to apologize to everyone. I just ruined the absolutely terrible movie science. Or you should have been a patient. You're welcome. Yeah. So meanwhile, the crowd, like so, so Glen wonders are Glen curses dad, person's clearance, the main character, and then he wanders off.

And then everybody like stands around, like sharing relevant plot conjecture. Yeah, doesn't somebody ask him what's happening to? Yeah, he just like ranted about nonsense for a minute. Yeah, one other guy ask him what's happening to yeah, he just like ranted about nonsense Yeah, one other guy in the car is like hey crazy yelling guy is this definitely a chemical weapons attack from maybe another Like he was gonna say like oh, yeah, no, I was just checking it with Pentagon like a minute ago I'm Glenn from the Pentagon. It is that anyway demon rain. I should probably tell you about yeah Yeah, and everybody's like, but what should we do? And Glenn says, pray. And then he walks

off and I'm writing to my notes like, weren't we just doing poop jokes? Like there are poop jokes right above this in my notes. I swear there were. So the family all runs back inside. Okay. If Glenn was like, I got a shit, I got a shit right now. Upstairs, you're going to need a snake or a sledgehammer. There's somebody in there. Sledgehammer is provided. So the family runs back inside. Dad goes upstairs to get his shotgun. And as he's coming back downstairs, he has another one of his heart condition attack things, right? He falls down, grabs his chest, has to take one of his pills. Yeah.

And then he takes junior aside for a pep talk. He's like, Hey, hey, I need you not to be junior tonight. Yes. Okay. Don't be junior yourself. Just you know, and I'm don't fucking suck. Just try not to be a fuck up for at least 12 hours in your whole life. Can you do that?

Yeah. In fairness to junior, dad just loaded up a shotgun to like, fight the falling sky with a shotgun. That's what we just watched. Yeah. So he's not doing great either. No, that's fair. That's fair.

I just want to point out that I wrote in my notes, no assist is to Heath and I sometimes it's very hurtful. We don't like it. Buses, trains, airport security, time hearing this. We guys be like other people for like just today. Don't have a who can yell bomb the loudest content. Bomb. I win though. I always win. All right. Well, too, we firmly established that this is gonna be a movie about waiting for something to happen. So while the movie does that, I guess we'll do a sketch or something, but we'll be back with even more of the waiting that is Lockdown 2025. Bum. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh, yeah. Boom. Okay, so the landmines go here? Exactly.

This side of the fence. Hey guys, so what's with all the barbed wire and stuff? Oh, me and Heath are getting free pizza by digging tiger traps into the driveway. Among other things, yes, yes we are. Okay, I already know I'm gonna regret asking about this, but how? 30 minutes or it's free, man.

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Got my mustard. Oh, I'll give you, you know, that's reasonable. Thank you. Thank you. Uh, uh, uh, President Obama? Yes, Tyler. Uh, come on in. I, I wanted to ask about this order, sir. It seems to be a bit of a mistake.

Did you order one billion FEMA coffins? FEMA coffins, so sure did. Just go ahead and put that through. Okay, okay, Abdu, do you mind if I ask what they're for? They're for the great calling, of course. Did you not go through the orientation with the baby blood and the binder? And the binder, yes, I did,

but why does America need one billion FEMA coffins? We don't even have a billion people. Not yet, not yet, but you see, after we start poisoning people with the food and the water and the air, other people are going to start coming here. Because we won't be poisoning people here. Oh, no. We'll be doing it here. Okay, so why would you know what is fine? I will just place the order. Great. Hey, Tyler. Yes, Mr. President. I feel like I'm the nicest guy you'll ever work for.

I think so too, sir. I think so too. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with dad and junior looking out the window at the rainbow sky effects. Some more. They expected us to be really impressed by those, I guess. Yeah, they bought two of those sparkling lights from five below, no, two. That's 10 below at that point. Yeah. So yeah, So dad's like, don't worry. I'm sure it'll be fine. It's probably just the Mexicans and they'll keep it to their own neighborhood. Okay. Okay. That was insane. I didn't even understand. Neither did the other characters. They're like, Hey, dad, it seemed like maybe you like took a swing at a racist thing

that didn't even make sense. You know, it's always happened. Their rainbows sky apocalypse. Okay. I grew up in a shitty, shitty town just outside of New York. Is there, I, I should know about this, but I don't. Is there a version of racism about which neighborhoods do well in an apocalypse? There.

Burned themselves down. They're the Jews building a public park again. Yeah. So it's somebody's like, the daughter, Crystal. She's like, Mom, what was Uncle Glenn talking about that thief in the night crap? And mom's like, Oh, I'd have to get a Bible and look through it. And it's like, it's okay. Junior, the Ill illuminati nut who talked about FEMA coffins earlier knows that biblical passage by a heart.

Yeah. Hey, shout out to the J. Dubs for doing the totally obviously crazy parts of the Bible, like the one where it says that the apocalypse will be instantaneous like childbirth. What? You know that thing that takes nine months and as well, like a fucking balloon, it'll be instantaneous. And even just the climax takes hours and hours and hours. Yes.

The speed of a poppy seed, which is the smallest in existence. Yeah. So and then crystals like, wow, mom, do you think this is a religious movie? And she's like, there's a lot of poop in it. In Act One, I don't think so. And then Dad's like, all right, so are we going to just ignore the fact that Glenn is a crackhead? You know, like, I mean, the guy who came to us to warn us about the apocalypse and mom's

like, hey, he is an X crack head. He is now a long shorman. Okay. What? How is any of this helpful? Why would they introduce that? It does not come out. Glenn is done in the movie.

We will never hear of or from Glenn again. Yes. Also, I'm sorry. He became a long shorman. Yes. Long. That was the job you all came up with. They were like, okay, so he's an X crackhead.

What do you guys think he does now? Haberdashir. A milliner. We can even make him a milliner. Yeah, so it's fight Marlon Brando on the ducks. What? So, okay. So they all stare at the ticking clock.

Not only is that the action in the movie, it is the goddamn plot. And Marcos is like, hey, what do you guys think will happen when it hits zero? Guess what, speculate? And I wrote my notes. I'm hoping the credits. Yeah, right.

We should point out, by the way, that there's really no effort made to like make the runtime of the remaining runtime of the movie match the remaining time on the clock or anything is just sort of random. No, there will be scenes where it's like second perfect, a la no peeing 24. And then there'll be times where it's like one minute left. And there's a 70 minute scene. Yeah, 30 seconds left. Yeah. And this is where the movie is like, Hey, do you guys want to do the movie elsewhere for a minute?

They're all like, yeah, maybe we go to Glenthouse. I feel like that's a nice house, right? Yeah, right. Good. It's going shorman after all. I think he has HBO now. He has long shorman money. So yeah, they're like the whole movie can't be in the same damn house.

So they go to leave, but just outside, we hear junior describing a very harrowing scene that we don't get to why there's a whole movie happening outside of the window. Yeah, that's any telling us about it. The Martinez is next door. They went to leave and somebody confronted him out on the street and shot him to death. Yeah, so no leaving the house and then these blue people called the Navi. I think and there's unobtainium. I don't know James Cameron's there expensive Scene that I am telling you about. Oh, If only you could see this battle that's going on right now.

It's like five armies. So but now junior wants to run out and get into the fire fight and save the Martinez, but dad has to restrain him from our natural heroics or whatever, right? No, junior, they'll just burn down our neighborhood. And dad's like, like it or not, the whole damn movie is going to take place in this house. And they're like really the whole movie. And then he's like one exterior shot from here on out. I swear to you. So, okay. So mom carries Evan, the sick kid, the sick younger brother, backup stairs. And then we, we stare at their stupid fucking color

changing sky graphic for a little longer. Yeah, and we get the clock at 60 minutes left to something. Yeah. And I got excited here. I was like, oh, the countdown is almost lined up at the movie now. They're like three minutes off or something like that. Yeah. And then I made a resolution to myself.

I said to myself, okay, if the countdown moves past the movie, I'm stopping the movie when the clock Whatever comes first is what I'm doing. That's the rule now. You only get one countdown clock. That's fair That's fair. Yeah, but so okay, so they're all sitting around and then suddenly crystal here's something it's nothing Right like that she he's cuz up until now there's been sirens and helicopters going by and gunshots and everything. And all of a sudden it all stops and she's like, hey, what do you think happened?

It'll turn out that nothing in particular happened, they just had to start this scene somehow, right? Yep. Do you guys smell that? I think the cops are gone. And that's it, and it's nothing, yeah. Well, yeah, and dad's like, oh, I guess there's no problem at all.

Let's check out those lottery Can't try to go back to normal Have you ever seen that couple who have a horrible fight and they're all cryy and red-eyed and they're like, okay So you guys we're doing scatic race Okay. Give me a point where I'm the most of you, Chad, from 19 and you're just like, hey, no, everyone else left with the cops. Your relationship is having an apocalypse. You could just step away. Yeah.

So dad goes back to the table and he's like, let's have those ribs now. And I'm like, we can see the clock. Those things have been sitting out for 40 minutes. Now, at least throwing back on a grill for a minute or something. Or eat them either way. I don't care. You need to eat the food. It looks amazing regardless of it's still that's enough.

40 minutes. Yeah. Right. No, I need those. Okay. This was my, I think I'm going to say my favorite moment of the movie. They show us the 51 minutes left here on the clock. They flash back to it for a second. They keep doing that. 51 minutes. And then Marcos, the boyfriend of the daughter here, he says, what if the countdown

was to mark something? I love it for so long. Like, we should remind the audience that the countdown is a thing for something and it's a thing for something maybe. This is this heath. I don't want to I don't want to throw stones here, but this is the look at that guy that happens with you in public every six minutes whenever we're together. And I'm like, look at that guy. Look at the hat and you're like, what guy with the hat? That's what you're talking about. That's what's happening right now. Yeah, but I mean, friends with the heck I you do. If he's a waiter, or not. So and then dad goes to finally eat a rib and

he's like, finally, somebody's going to eat some of the goddamn food. But Mark goes slaps it out of his hands. He goes, wait, what if the food is poisoned? And then he goes on, right? He's like, but what if the water is poisoned? But what if all the things that we could touch your poison, I'm like, yeah, better not breathe any of this air now? Sure. Well, that's the best part is because he goes, look, you could only poison people through

the food or the water. And I wrote in my notes, you forgot the air. And in fact, the one time we did poisoning, we went with airborne. Yeah, because you're not always eating involuntarily. Yeah. Well, I'm sorry, most people aren't always eating involuntarily.

President company excluded, yeah, exactly. I got excited though. I was like, oh, is the plot about like Apocalypse Cordiceps now? Because that's right. Yeah, exactly. I got excited though. I was like, Oh, is the plot about like apocalypse quarter-seps now? Cause that right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Nick Offerman shows up right now. I'm on board again with this movie. A hundred percent. How do I do it too soon? I'm not over that. It was an amazing performance. It really was. So good. Can we watch that? Let's watch that.

So, but then dad turns the gun on Marcus's shotgun. Maybe Marcus is the apocalypse. I don't know because that does not a sentence that makes sense in the English language. But yeah, that's his, he's like, you know why the sky is a rainbow. His, his, his actual real quote explanation for why he suspects Marcus. Cause a liar knows a liar and you're a liar. Yes.

I'm a liar so I know you're lying. Margot needs to be like, okay, but that means you don't know. I'm lying. I want to, I got it. Ask me what I would say. If you would say if I'm lying. What? The surgeons and mother, it's the woman.

But yes, dad's like threatened him and he's yelling and the girls yelling for dad to calm down. And finally, in an effort to calm down her father, who is currently holding a shotgun to the chest of her lover, she says, but dad, I'm pregnant. Right, she had to defuse your the apocalypse by being like, I'm pregnant.

It's the best. No, that's how I stop knowing he's from fighting. I get it. It works. No, it's how I stop knowing Heath from fighting. I get it. It works. No, it does. It does though. But it turns out he kind of is the apocalypse for a second. Yes.

Right. Yeah. No, dad's like, I'm going to shoot you. I know you know who turned the sky rainbow. And we're like, wow, this guy's really losing it. And then Marcus is like, yeah, no, I do know who turned the sky right. You got me. I am a apocalypse.

I'm an apocalypse. All right. No, let me explain. Let me explain. But let me walk into a different room to explain because who we don't want the whole movie to take place in the safe room. He's about to introduce the hacker, Redler, which I love so fucking magical about the museum.

But he starts it by going, it started as whispers. And what's funny is the last thing that was said was that she's pregnant. And I was like, oh, like an ASMR thing. I get it. I get it. So yeah, right right now. So yeah, but then, so they walk into the other room

and he's like, they call themselves the VOTV. And they're like, do you want to take a second shot at that acronym? He's like, nope, I sure don't. I'm sure it is already on the page and that would require additional keystrokes. So no, it is the voice of the voiceless. The voices of the voiceless.

And according to the movie, they're Antifa basically, right? Yes. No, no, well, let's go over what they are. They're a religious hacker group. They are weed smoking anarchist hackers. It's more specifically, they are a network of old school hippies who didn't cut their hair is part of it. A lot of those who keep the loaks and the tats not clear on some of that.

We're not here to speak to the loaks or tats., not clear on some of that. We're not here to speak to the loaks or tats. What's a loak? Don't know. Okay, but Vatos with those, they've kept them. Crypts and bloods, who never stopped sagging their hat. Don't think the hat is what they said. They said that. I haven't heard of a sagged hat.

That's not how I would have used that. But also, engineers, chemists, drug lords, teachers, and the guy outside of Home Depot. Wow, okay. I think the exact words, the dude standing outside of Home Depot. Yeah, we'll see. And to that list. All of that was an exact quote.

That's who the voice of the, with a VOTV are, yeah. Yeah, and then they'd start singing Y VOTV are. Yeah. Yeah. And then it starts singing YMCA and planning. I feel like they all met up outside of the home depot and he was like, Hey, guys, what are we doing? And they were like, Oh, yeah, you know, you can come to. I'm on. So I'm a child.

I'm so open at the end. Yeah. And also Hawkman. Yeah. But you tell people where light bulbs are, huh? Yeah. No, absolutely. We got to get some for him to do, right? But you tell people where light bulbs are, huh? Yeah, no, absolutely. We gotta get some brand new, right? Ooh, you still sagging that hat.

I see you over there. Cool, cool. So low. Also the crypts and the bloods. I feel like that would have some tension about. We're going together. We're going together. We're going together.

So yeah, the apocalypse will actually change. Well, yeah, it's really interesting. Coming together for the apocalypse. So, but Mark was just like, I gotta go check out my family. Maybe they'll know more, no idea. And she's like, Oh, I'm going to go with you. But then he and her dad, in other words, both of the men that own her tell her she can't

so she can't, right? Yeah. And then he goes, I just a little, little note, I have to point this out. He says, two familiar S.M. Familiar now. And the subtitles say bracket speaking foreign language bracket now. That tickled me. Also, kind of ruins that moment because the kids like SME familiar now.

And he means like, oh, you're my family now because you're holding my baby. And dad's in the background like, yeah, whatever fucking familiar. More food for us. Nice. Opens the door for him. Like he was the fucking band at the Oscars. He's like, yeah, anyway, so you were leaving? Is what you just said.

So cool. I want you to get the fuck out of here, burn down your neighborhood, or whatever you guys do. Yeah, just get it. So, all right. So Marcos Lees and then Mom starts a yell in it, Crystal, for getting pregnant.

Yeah, right? Mom's mad. She's like, we bought you birth control. And Chris is like, okay, not really time though. Mom, it's like literally just looking over. Yeah, 32 minutes left and probably the world. Yes. So maybe you just relax.

And mom is like, you have your whole life ahead of you. Oh, this is like. Oh, it's been two minutes. Hi, it did. It's 31 now. What are you talking about? Yeah, that loses a lot. Oh, this is like two minutes. I did. It's 31 now. What are you talking about? Yeah, that loses a lot when you're in the, uh, the last half hour of the apocalypse,

but then dad decides to come in. And I love this was so close to my best worst. It was almost best worse analogy because I love this so fucking. It's so good. This is so good. Clarex goes, honey. Life is like a puzzle. It's played one piece at a time. Right.

But he's yeah, and he's trying to string that together into how that's like dealing with the world now, even maybe in the apocalypse. And he tries to keep going. And he's like, well, so yeah, one piece of time is what the last thing I said, you're not allowed to move the pieces after that. Right. Even if, let's say a piece gets stuck because the jammed it too hard, then it would be like, is the puzzle doing it in his analogy?

That's my question. All games are played one piece at a fucking time. It's a one time puzzle and it breaks the rest of them. It's basically people get their puzzles unstuck. Don't regret it. Are we on the edge? She's like, well, you know, you can move a puzzle piece if you get it in the row. He's like, you know what, I just,

I will go with the different life is like a box. I really want to be like, what the fuck are you talking about, puzzles for? And then, and this honestly, this was one of my favorite shots of the entire movie. He goes, yes, don't make the same mistake I did. And the camera flash cuts over to junior and does. And junior's like, oh shit, did the camera just turn to me? Fuck you.

Life is like a puzzle. You should start by separating it by colors. Nope. Nope. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, he's getting away from me. So okay. So with the clock now at 35 minutes, dad looks back out at the color changing sky effects. So the movie can go, huh? Wait, spend a lot of money on these. So, and then we get our singular exterior shot. And I love it. So fucking much. Marcos is running through the chaos

and we're chasing behind him with shaky cam, right? Yeah, he's doing a lot of hiding behind trees. Mm-hmm. And like, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's an old chemist lady that we saw during the, you know,

bloods and crypts speech. We see the old chemist lady like putting on her antifa hoodie and coming after him. Yeah. And just to, just to throw you a little detail, the antifa hacker, ridler, vato's, bloods, crypts, engineers, teachers, Home Depot guy uniform is the hoodie and it has a big upside down question mark on the front. Yeah.

Right. Like the Mexicans do. Like the riddler. Like the riddler. Like the, oh, you think they were going for the, okay, do they do any riddles? No. No. That's all of it.

I would say don't have a uniform. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's pretty important for your anonymous apocalypse starting group. And then of course, we get no as best worse as he is running. He gets shot at by a attack helicopter. He's running down the middle of the street. Suddenly he goes from trees to like, ah, fucking, I'm going down the middle of the street where there'll be plenty of room in the sky for them to put this graphic. And we get this fucking attack helicopter graphic. And it's the wrong size. It's getting way closer to him, but it's not changing sizes

fast enough. It's shooting them. It's missing him on both sides. Terrible aim, this helicopter. Yeah. If you stand right in front of a helicopter, it can't get you. Right. Cause it's a mission to fly in just a lover straight up with a hair, your jet, him and Arnold Schwarzenegger all of us. So stupid. But we have to let you wait. Like he's in trade danger. Don't worry. He will survive his fight with the helicopter.

We won't find out how, right? And then we come back to the family, right? They're gathered around Evan, the son with the, with the movie cough. And he wakes up for the first time since like early act one. And he says, Hey, I'm going to be an uncle, aren't I? And I was like, wow, how did you know that? Did you have some kind of defying revelation? He's like, no, I was late. I was, you said it in my presence. I was laying here. I can still hear through a fever from here next to you. And just then, Jr. is like, hey, dad, everybody's gotta be getting sick of this blue lighting effect.

So you have a generator that you bought from Y2K out in the shed, or sorry, out in the garage, that's an important distinction, right? Sure. And dad's like, yeah, let's go get that Jenny. Yeah. And I really, I like that he's using Jenny there. Yeah. I've never heard that used for generator. Keep it light.

But yeah, and so, and mom's like, I don't want you going out there. And I'm like, ooh, it's gonna be an action packed gun tote and trip to the shed. No, they're going out to the attached garage. Yep. What did mom think was gonna happen between the pantry and the garage?

Okay, I got to say it feels like the movie couldn't decide if zombies were part of the movie. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, but this moment was still in the like maybe zombies part of the script and they're just like, all right, well, you know, we'd have to like go outside for a second. And then that's interesting. The scare while they're in the garage too is them being like, all right, well, you know, we'd have to like go outside for a second. And then that's interesting. Kind of scare while they're in the garage, too, is them being like, okay, the zombies are gonna hear us just. Yeah, be quiet, be quiet.

Why? Yeah. So yeah, so they start looking through all the junk, trying to find that generator. Data apologizes for the whole first half of the movie. Junior finds a CB radio. Okay. Right. Very important.

He holds up a flare with a headphone jack hanging out of it. And he's like, here's a CB radio. Okay. Right. Very important. He holds up a flare with a headphone jack hanging out of it and he's like, here's a CB radio. I said so you can no take backs. Yes and he's like, all right, yeah, fine. And then dad finds a box of nostalgia, right? He's going to look over all of the fun, you know, because it isn't a zombie movie. Really slowly when they think maybe zombies are coming, oh my old Lego set,

let's build the entire Death Starman. Oh, father and son. They literally pause the entire movie so he can look at photos of the other actors. He's like, ah, look at me. Yeah, so much hair. So, but junior finds the generator, dad asks him, he's like, Hey, did you know that your sister was pregnant? And he's like, Yep, sure did. And he's like, is that going

to be relevant to the plot in any way? He's like, sure, won't. Nope. So we cut back inside. Juniors hooking up the CB radio to a car battery. The TV takes a break from the countdown to show some some shots of the destruction that VOTV has wrought over the world today. Yeah. For some reason, the daughter is fluent in trucklingo. Okay. Yes.

Thank you. This was a weird moment. I almost had best worst CB radio doing. Yeah. So, junior first gets on the radio and he says something normal and she pulls it away. She's like idiot. You have to say it special. And she's like breaker breaker turning one scorpion five, the blank gum. And like do truckers only respond if you talk like that. The implication there is that there was a trucker on the other side of the radio in the apocalypse hearing someone be like hello Is anyone out there? We need help and he was like didn't say breaker break it?

Doesn't count You have to say over if somebody just says breaker once are there sticklers who are like not yeah, right? All right, I'm I'll tell you I'm halfless thing. You have to say break up break up So yeah, and then but just then they hear a window break up, stairs somewhere and we cut up to Evans room. Somebody's going into Evans room, gun first. It's a bird. It's a plane.

It's a man in a bird mask. Bird, Rasta, demon. Yup, bird Rasta demon. Do you know what would make this scene and this next sequence this whole next sequence like more Susenseful and what was that? If the man in the bird mask was not having a full-on asthma It's look it's me in 2020 in 2021, just being like, no, stop this. Where'd I get it? Yeah, no, it's great. I love.

Okay. Having cloth in my mouth most of the time. Picture Eli Bosnick trying to sneak stealthily into a house, into anything with a bird mask over his face that's too tight and the eye holes aren't lined up with his eyes. And he's, this guy in particular is moving his head as if an actual bird. Right. He's doing his pitch and he's getting his money out of NYU. Yeah. He's just like a too much method. Like he went too hard.

He like I guess a bird. He saw what Todd Williams was bringing to the table. I'm like, I got off my game. He feels like he ate an entire plate of fetichinial frito while perched on the roof outside and then realized what a mistake that was. That's a big. So, oh, I Bosnick as a ninja. We need to incorporate this for I want this always. Okay. So, and then by the way, I should point out that the whole long scene of him walking

around in the house, looking everywhere, everybody's hiding. And she said, Dad has a shotgun and has a drop on the guy the whole fucking time. You kill him in any minute. Right? He's just like, well, I want to give him a head start. I want to be a sport about it, right? At one point, dad is sneaking up behind the bird guy who he has to complete drop on. And he tries to cock his shotgun sneakily.

He's like, shhick. And the guy's like, was that shotgun? And he's like, shhick. That's not how they work, by the way, too. So he just pulls it and he's like, shit, when I let go, it's going to make the other click. I'm a bag of chips. What?

Well, yeah, because yeah, luckily the question mark goes away over his head before the other like click of the shotgun, right? Because the bird guy loses track of him so quick. He's like, well, that wasn't, that was only half of a shotgun. Could chunk so I think I think I should be fine. This mask is really hard though. Ah, it's hot. So he goes down to the basement where that where the rest of the family is, right?

And junior has a knife, but the bird guy has a gun. So that doesn't seem very good. Junior seems pretty confident when this happens though. Fair. The guy with the gun shows up and junior's like, hello guy with gun, I have knife. Shall we dance? Tied. We'll see who ends up the better.

Unshot person. Also, there's this great moment because again, they obviously were like, Graham, I can use your house. And she was like, sure. So they're too close to the stairwell. The guy has to walk down to get there and threaten them. They could just stab them in the foot, but they don't. Instead, they's politely wait for him to get down the stairs. Yeah. It was nice of them. One hand on the banister like he promised St. Louis. Well, and he, and yeah, keeping in mind that the guy has no peripheral vision. He's in a bird mask, right? Are you an evil guy in a bird mask? Yeah. Just give me a second. I'm coming. I'm coming. I'm coming. So do you say maybe not maybe yes for safety, safety first. I will tell you.

Yes. So yeah, but but at the last second, right before he's about to shoot junior dad shoots him with a shotgun and he dies. Mom runs upstairs to check on Evan. Feel like he's fine. Now that the bad guy's got a chest full of shotgun pellets, but fine. Yeah, you know, you gotta check on your kid. Well, she tries to run upstairs.

So the bad guy gets shot and she's like, all right, I'm going to run upstairs. I just got. I just got to squeeze past you really good. Oh, yeah. Yeah, right, right. That's very small. Clarence, you're still right. Small baseman.

Just not like watching he fused the bathroom on an airplane. Just. I'm going to go left. I'm going to my left. I'm going to my left. We would both be left for us left for you left me left me left me. Ah. So bad guy takes off his bird mask.

He gives him some revelation quotes, right? Dad says, go get some towels, Junior. And I'm like, to clean up the blood, you're just gonna use your towel. Okay, fine, I guess. What are you gonna do? You gotta do something. He also does the peaceful eyes shut thing.

I'd feel like you don't do that when you murder a guy, right? Who is trying to kill your family? Yeah, I just let him stare. I don't think you do like a over the river of my friend. Yeah, I see you two going. Sweet dear prince. Yeah. Right, and then Ginger comes back and he's like, you idiot, don't bring the white towels

when you murder a guy with a shotgun. Everybody knows that. She's like, oh yeah. Weird comedy beat. Man, man, man, man. Man, man. Yeah. He says, I take back being proud of you.

Question, who was this guy? He's just a bright guy breaking into their house. Random burglarians. Random burglarians. Random burglarians. Completely unrelated to the rest of the plot. It was a random burglar in a bird mask. Random burglar, I'm never gonna forget.

It was a guy who was like, hey, we're doing a apocalypse shit. Running around robbinglar in a bird mask. Random burglar, I'm never gonna forget. It was a guy who was like, Hey, we're doing a apocalypse shit, running around robbing people in a bird mask with a gun is pretty apocalypse. Yeah. I believe that was him. After I'm done with the grapes, I might do that.

He doesn't have to say his dreams. Don't kink shim. Fuck the shit out of those grapes. So, okay, so then we get a quick montage of everybody waiting for the movie to get on with it. Right. Which it eventually, it resolves on mom and dad. quick montage of everybody waiting for the movie to get on with it. Which it eventually it resolves on mom and dad. They're looking as bored by the situation as I am and then does like, well, I better interject some some drama in here, right?

And he goes, so honey was our entire lives terrible. And she's like, yep, every minute was hell anyway. Oh, you don't, you don't love to hear that. Yeah, right. So. Ah. And he's like, I'm gonna be different and she looks over the clock.

There's 18 minutes left. She's like, really, you're gonna be different for the remaining 18 minutes of existence. Ha, ha, ha. Yes. Is what he says. He says, and she's like, well, no, I want a divorce. Yeah, she says divorce, right? Yeah. Yeah. So like in the basement, in the next 18 minutes, yeah, exactly. Hey, hey, burn mask guy, any chance you were a judge? Sorry, let me take those coins off

your eyes. Were you a judge? And then this, this, this actor absolutely goes for his fucking Oscar, right? This whole conversation, this whole monologue that he does, we just got the pictures of her from back when they had still joy in their lives or whatever. He just absolutely devastates this monologue. Yeah, he nails it. He nails it. You can tell he auditioned with this because it's by far the better thing

He's practiced the most. Yeah, uh-huh. All right, well, I'll tell you what we need a minute to emotionally recover from clearance This monologue here. So we're gonna take a quick break. But first let me give the act to me the hard sell can the The clock run out in time Find out the edges to literally just that question. We'll return for the anti-climax to the second power ending of Lockdown 2025. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. And that's Like, boo berries, right? Girl, right? Garner. Eli, are you okay?

What? Oh, no, I'm fine. Like, give it a give it a, I'm just saying you seem really down. Have you took to a therapist recently? Psh, more like a pair of wrists. Nope, nope, nope. Dude, you should try better help.

Oh, sorry, I was trying to give him that one. I'll do it. What's better help? If you're thinking of giving therapy a try, better help is a great option. It's convenient, flexible, affordable, and entirely online. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapist any time and no additional charge. Man, that song's grape juice. It does sound great. If you want to get closer to your best self therapy can help you get there. Visit betterhelp.com. Sush awful to date.

To get 10% off your first month, that's better help. H E L P dot com slash awful. Member belt. Swede. Swede. Okay. All right, everybody. Welcome to the first meeting of Cune Anonymous or whatever the fuck name we have in this movie.

As you know, we're an underground group of hackers made up of, uh, hold on. Let me just check. Uh, we're made up of old hippies and vatoes. Does anybody know what a Vato is? It says it's Spanish for man. Oh, okay. So we got old hippies and Spanish men. Anyway, how do we want to take over the world? What are we doing? Um, Texas ties. Sorry, what? You know those ties, they're like strings. We should wear those. Okay.

Thanks for that. I'll write that down. A long ponytail. I have one. We should all have one of those too. Yeah. Yeah. Right.

Sorry. I was thinking more about like a technology thing. Those were good, but like a tech thing is what I'm talking about. I have a home pod. Me too. I also have a home pod and I like it. Hey Siri, play, play Janus Chop. No, no, no, no. I mean, I mean like a hack attack. Like, we hack something. I can hack. Oh great. so tell me about. Well usually it's when I'm on the elliptical

in my basement but sometimes I just loudly clear my throat like this give me a second. Yeah I do that too I do that too. All right I really hope the apocalypse fills in the gaps for us. Oh nice okay okay I think we're good. Ha ha! You alright? And we're back for still more of this shit. We're gonna rejoin the action with Kristalin and Junier finally getting a hit on that CB radio. Right, this is where they hear it from a lone wolf.

Right, yeah, the Poudi trucker got enough breaker breakers over over. He was like, okay, she technically said breaker the second time. Yeah. It's trucker for parlay, yeah, exactly. And it's you, you're even has a little, a little book that translates out of trucker. Like, why would they have that book? And why

would they have been able to find that? Okay. Couldn't they just be like, Hey, lone wolf apocalypse. Maybe just like it. I'm just talking for this one time. No, now that we have you and have said breaker, the C B radio is a code. Since credo, are you maybe dot, do you want our help? Because you're dying. If you talk normal will help. Roggy. I don't know.

I mean, this is this so good. He goes, I'm in a chicken choker and he looks in the book. He looks in the book. He's like, I mean, yeah, it says he's in a chicken truck and that he flipped over. Yes. And it's like, wow, what an incredibly specific thing to have in your CB radio dictionary. It's so dumb. Because as he's explaining this, the guy just keeps, because they don't,

they don't even say like, hold on, we're translating this into normal people talk or whatever. He just keeps pausing long enough for junior to provide a translation for us. No, that would be chapter eight, the other paragraph. There you go. Yep. Chicken truck. A little bit further down junior. He goes, I need, I, what I really need is some of that cactus juice. The other paragraph. There you go. Yep. Chicken truck. A little bit further down, Jr.

He goes, I need, what I really need is some of that cactus juice. And Jr. looks that up. I'm like, come on, man, you know the fuck he means my cactus. You guys need to say over when you're done. Are you over? Yes, I want that over. So, but Jr. says like, he's like, hey, man, well, we've got you on the line. Can you please tell us the plot, right?

We're already in act three. And he's like, it's the fever. And he starts giving like these ominous warnings about how he's been trying, driving all week, trying to stay ahead of this terrible fever that's killing people and making him violent rage monsters, right? Right. killing people and and making them violent rage monsters, right? Right. And then that mob shows up where he's crashed or whatever. His chicken truck or something. Yeah. And junior, and what's what's her name? The sister crystal.

Right. And so he's he's crashed there in his chicken truck or whatever. And the mob is showing up now in the like violent fever mob of the apocalypse and crystals like get out of there. Yeah, I thought that's helpful. You didn't say breaker breaker. Can we talk about him blowing his last lines so hard? They were like, okay, so Craig, Craig, I'm on the set so far. You're doing nothing before I sober. So your last thing is really traumatic. You're going to say, Adios little mama and he's like, got it.

Idios little mama. No, please, God, give me a second take. Nope. No, just the worst. He's moving. I just like, so I wrote my notes. I'm like, wow, it sounds like Rick has involved in some sort of interesting action sequence off screen. I bet it's really exciting.

Oh, let me tell you, not since the Martinez has been such stunning practically. There's a literal ghost army attacking the castle that I'm in now. That's right. So 54 inch penis. And then we, we, we, we, we cut up stairs to Evan. He's feeling fine now. His fever broke. He's not sick anymore. Did his sickness affect the plot in any way whatsoever? Why no? Thanks for asking. You guys were sure that kid with fever was going to do like crazy violence thing and just like beat the family to death with the arms of them that he tore up, right? Like he was clearly

going to be a fever guy apocalypse. I didn't think that because I just didn't think that movie had it in them. You know, that just was too interesting. I figured that the kid was going to come down and watch the clock with them some more, but I just have him not have a fever. haven't have something else if you're gonna use fever later for you. Yeah. But honestly, your optimism gives me hope. He's the...

Okay. So, I mean, what happens is crazier to be fair to the movie. Right, right, yeah, because then it changes genres again. Right, there's a knock at the door. It's the cop. It's the cop that came by and watched him

help his kid learn basketball. Okay. From before and it turns out that's mom's boyfriend. Okay, I didn't recognize him from the quick thing before. So I was just seeing a cop being like, hey folks, just here to expose it to main characters is what they told me. Is that you?

I've been to several houses that didn't know. It says you. It says you. Okay. Homeland security said, and this is crazy here. This is the plot now. Homeland security told me that 15 cities around the world have been systematically poisoned over the last 30 days.

Yes. Over the last 30 days. So, 15 exactly. Yep. How so this is like God or the illuminati or whatever they, how do they pick those 15 cities and why exactly 15? There's a committee question. Yeah. Right. And everybody's like, God, we you stop fucking suggesting Shobo again. He's like, no one will ever expect it though. Yeah. We could just do 16th. And is it like one of those, is it like, are they working on like a congressional Congress thing

where all of a sudden like fucking a city in Idaho with 150 people in the poison. Yeah, really. Really? Oh, damn it. We haven't done anyone in the Midwest. Yes, because there's no people here. Kretten, what just for?

On your way to Chicago, pour some fucking poison by the road. We got rid of the Iowa caucus. Fucking suck. So yeah, but he explains that the cities aren't getting poisoned. And then dad, clear us as like, all right, yeah, but are you, are you fucking my wife, though? And he's like, yeah, will that too? That too, yeah. Also, also, yeah, no, I was doing the expositing, but I'm above nothing. I'm the long lost father of the son, too. I found that out today just separately during the apocalypse. I was checking. Yeah.

A DNA thing. Well, so, so he's known for a long time, right? He's got the DNA proof right there with them. Okay. Can I mention one of the detail about the fucking apocalypse? Cause every single one of these movies does something ridiculous like this. Please do. I wish you what, please.

There was a run on the banks is the other big thing that's happened in, I guess, just these 15 cities where everyone or almost everyone was poisoned and had a crazy fever that sent them into a murderous rage. But also those people were like, we should stop at the local branch and just take out some cash. Yeah. For the murderous orgy of violence that we're going to, you want to have cash for that, right? Yeah.

I was picturing like a bunch of fast zombies from 28 days later, just waiting in line at the ATM. Am I right? Oh my God. Totally. We're saying it. Honestly, or whether don't I'm done. We just, we did the exchange. We're weathered. Don't I'm done. We just we did the exchange. Don't do your pin backwards. I'm not attacking. I know where all zombies. So it seems like I might

say, I just go ahead, do it regular. That doesn't do anything. Just you know, that doesn't do anything. Nothing. That's just wrong. That's just not your pin. Not a real thing. So then the dad is like, you know, how dare you come into my, my house and claim that my son is your son and the detective, the cops, they're talking all kinds of shit to the dad. And I'm like, this is the wrong time, man. You just want a weird time for a Tom roast. You succulent piece of garbage. One finger on the pulse of death is the sands of time.

Hey, man, there's like four minutes left in all of existence. Maybe get your kicks in later. Yeah, right. And seriously, long lost fathers like they're yelling at each other like Tom. And he's like, just, um, let me see my real son real quick. I just wanna go upstairs or whatever. Go see him. Yeah, it's actually crazier than I wanna go upstairs. It is I will teach him basketball. Right, right now. Oh, right, yeah.

Right, and then, and then dad's like, I'm gonna teach him better sports. Right, and whatever. Better than you, I'm the real dad. I will need to do that. Yeah, and then there's a dad stand off. Flash cut to them just like tossing various balls from various sports that they can on the ground. Oh, are we having fun? No, we're having fun. Yeah. Do you like bowling? That was a bad

one. I shouldn't have done bowling. Okay. I think we all learned something. I wanted so badly for like a knock on the door and a guy's there for the daughter and then another guy's there for junior. Oh, that's the apocalypse anyway. So yeah, so so dad steps into the other room. Oh, we find out that everybody in the family knew that Evan wasn't really his kid except for him, right? That day his daughter and his other son, junior knew. Yeah, the mother and the daughter are doing laundry together. You know, it's like, oh, do you know actually you don't need the fill it up to the max line. It's actually just like two tablespoons is fine. Also, I cheated on your father and Evan is not his child. Yes, exactly, exactly.

Something like that occurred at some point. It's actually Darth Vader. It's not a big deal. He walks into the other room. And he starts crying that the daughter follows a man. He starts flashing back to earlier in the movie, which is the fat lady singing of game, right? Let's be honest. And he's like, all right, all right, there's only 10 minutes left on the clock. I'm going to go murder the shit out of that dude and that new character that we just introduced.

Well, he's driven into a rage because he finds this man shaking his son's hand, shaking his hand, he's damn it. Yeah, uh huh. Right. And then we have the craziest dad versus dad standoff, the best that I can imagine. So they get mad at each other, and they confront each other and they stand face to face,

and the kid walks in to the middle of the room. They both immediately are like, come here son, no, come here son. Like the dog thing, like you were like, if the dog goes to me, then it's my dog. And they do that, like, as it, they agreed to it. They're both like this decides who's the father for, well, they, you know, the next eight minutes of existence, we agree on that. Right. Yeah. Okay. One is there go. Well, and, and keep in the next eight minutes of existence, we agree on that. Right. Yeah. Okay. One, two, three, go.

Well, and keep in mind that they both have guns like pointed at each other at the time. The kid is in the middle, in between them. Right. If Solomon showed up and tried to solve this problem, they'd argue over which of them got the bigger half. This is insane. Nope. But the kid ultimately, the dad was, a clearance puts down his shotgun and the kid goes to him and he's like, this is my dad.

I know how good his barbecue is. I don't know about you yet. So kid just rips himself in half, goes past each one. All right. What this is did not expect that. Terrible. So, so but, but the detective guy, the cop guy, he loses it. So he just starts shooting.

But mom, I first I wrote dives in front of the bullet, but that's an overstatement, right? He's like, very clearly the director is like, so you're going to dive in front of the bullet. So she's like, oh, so you've got some mattresses or something for me to jump on. And she's like, I got some, I'm sorry, what? So she straps, I shuffles in front of the bullet. I don't know how to describe it exactly. But anyway, so she gets shot.

Dad shoots the detective, the detective shoots back accidentally, shoots crystal in the head and kills her, the pregnant daughter. Junior also, junior just walks in the room and somebody shoots him to death, right? Like it's sort of a, hey, you guys want to resolve my storyline too? a man's name. I'm not a man. I'm a man's name. I'm a man's name. I'm a man's name. I'm a man's name. I'm a man's name. I'm a man's name. I'm a man's name. I'm a man's name.

I'm a man's name. I'm a man's name. I'm a man's name. I'm a man's name. I'm a man's name. I'm a man's name. I'm a man's name. I'm a man's name.

I'm a man's name. I'm a man's name. I'm a man's name. I'm a man's name. I'm a man's name. I'm a man's name. I'm a man's name. I'm a man's name. I'm a man's name. I'm a man's name. I's not going to work. So but yeah, but so now everybody's been shot. The clearance has been shot. The detective has been shot.

It's my favorite part of the movie. There's no words for how funny that part of the movie is. Well, because it's just every named character walks in the room one after the other and somebody shoots them. I wanted Glenn to pop out of a potted plant and be like, I'm sorry, it so what to say? All of the rest of our dogs are walking in. They're shooting each other.

Okay. All right. Well, yes. And here's, here's this, can we talk about the charm necklace? Oh, yes. Yeah. I love the charm necklace. So I didn't even understand what happened.

Yeah, I would love to talk about that. Here's what was in the charm necklace. So I don't even understand what happened. Yeah, I would love to talk about that. Here's what was in the stage directions. Clarence kneels down and notices that his wife and the cop both had matching charm necklaces. Except the actors do fell too far apart. So Clarence kneels down and he's like, I actually can't do you guys mine scoochin? Can I drag these two actors slightly close together so it's obvious that they have matching halves of the broken hearts.

So yeah, and then he shoots them again. Oh, I didn't get any of that. I thought he leans down and I was like, is he gonna lick up some blood right now? Right now. He's trying to eat him separately. What's happening? Okay, he wants a necklace. No, he just wanted to look at it for a second. He puts it back down, but you're saying he then looked at the other one to like see the two were the same.

Yeah, he like tries to line them up so that you can tell see I'm looking at both of these two items right here. He does, he does his best. This actor really does his best. So then he goes outside, he looks outside to see the sweet after effects they got out there. And this time, correct me if I'm wrong, it's just missile command. Yep. Right like there's bad graphics. And then there's just trying to pass missile command off as you're fucking back ground. Well, it's green saver fish comes across the sky. Damn it.

Right. So there's like two things happening. There's the like illuminati poisoned 15 cities and there's craziness because of the fevers and the orgies of violence, giant maskers. And we're also now watching like God sending fireworks and missiles from the sky and stars and moons falling in like a magical apocalypse thing at the same time. No, this is all VOTV. They're all they've hacked into the clouds. They've hacked into the fireworks and they're doing all of this. Oh, that's about to be revealed. Oh, okay. So like the guy standing outside a home depot knows how to do like cloud rainbow magic

and he's doing a little mishlown hacking. Well, so I think believe it or not, I think that the cloud rainbow thing is supposed to just be a coincidental supercharged electrical rainbow store. Oh, I love the idea that the God of the universe and the Illuminati just like ran their things on the same day by accident. Oh, shit. Do you're doing? I guess it's a freebie.

We can. People aren't even going to notice our thing. We kind of started it 30 days ago, man. We kind of called, man, I'm just. Like we kind of called and I'm just saying Sword mouth Jesus is just standing there at the top of the hill. Okay. Oh, there's a old shit They're all inside this fucks it all I'm gonna fuck I know what no calendar down to how about one second. Let me get my Google We could share calendars. Can we right end well, I haven't shared I got a sign and I got a sign out and sign in under different address hold on government make me an editor god as

The god the god one No, that's the password. That's the password. Fuck it So so meanwhile Evan is looking at the six year old kid. He's looking at, like, well, that seems a unnecessarily violent ending to this film, right? And dad sits down to wrap things up with him. He's gonna opine on it.

He's gonna put a bow on this film now that it's wrapped up. And he's gonna opine on the importance of family to his son. Yeah. Like he's cementing that game from earlier. He's like, Hey, buddy, I'm your father. You came to me when I called. That's official. So that's locked in.

Yeah. Cool locked in. And the kids like, I love you. I don't know how to talk to you right now. That was crazy. What you just said. You're my dad. Well, and then there's this whole long like, is dad going to shoot heaven?

Dad's going to shoot heaven. Why is dad going to shoot heaven? Dad's going to shoot heaven. Why is dad going to shoot heaven? Right? There's this whole long moment where they're like, Oh, is he he's going to just do a murder suicide quick before the clock can reach zero, right? And then, of course, justice, the clock reaches zero. We cut away. We hear a gunshot. Did he didn't need? No, he didn't. We'll find out in a second. But before we do, we cut back to the TV and Vio TV has a little montage about how they are among us everywhere or something.

They did a 90 minute countdown to a commercial for themselves. But now, yeah. I mean, look, I've seen dumb or super bowl commercials, but that was pretty fucking impressive. Yeah, that's true. And this is where I think it's important to reveal the countdown of this movie is to nothing. Yes.

He, again, we talked about this movie last night. He then watched it again. He was like, hey, does something happen at the end of the countdown? And it took all my human strength not to be like, no, no, no, it doesn't. That's actually a really funny prank. If you can hack everybody's device in the world and put a countdown that is to nothing, that would fuck us up. That fucking, that sounds great.

Well, that's the, that's the whole idea of the movie, right? The, like, the countdown just brought out the evil that was already inside them and everybody thinking that the world was gonna end, you know, did violence to each other or whatever. That was, is this a good movie? No, it's not. It's a really stupid fucking movie because again, it requires us to believe that

VOTV hacked into the goddamn clouds and the attack helicopters. Uh-huh. Right. Listen, they had chemists, scripts, bloods, teachers, engineers. They did have chemists, yeah. Yeah. And to prove this, right,

Marcos sneaks into the basement now and this when he runs over to the dad and he's like, it was all fake. So to be clear, I don't jump ahead a little bit, but to be clear, someone just yelled, boys in a check and everyone on earth started murdering. Yes. Yeah, that's the idea of the film. Yes, exactly.

But before Marcus can get there, we have to talk about the least believable aspect of this entire movie. This is a movie where they act into clouds, folks. After the countdown ends. What happened with the lottery? Exactly. The loose end that we all want to tie it up. The countdown ends. It goes back to regular TV. It's still Todd Williams. He's still got his energy. He kept it up for that whole 90 minutes somehow. And we get the lottery drawing and it turns out the dad did win the billion dollar jackpot.

Okay, the only plot point in the movie less relevant than Kappu comes to claim his son for six minutes. Okay, my favorite part of this is that the illuminati had hacked every TV, but then somehow the lotto thing came back on like interrupting them. So that's like, I love the idea that network execs cut off the aluminum and anything. And they're like, we're going back to the lotto. We, I don't know what was happening there. We get just very good food, a good draw numbers

on that. Todd Williams, he was really killing it. I feel like we want to keep his momentum up if we can. But yes, so dad celebrates and he celebrates so hard that he, I can't tell if he's supposed to have shot himself additionally or if he has a heart attack or if it's just the multiple bullet wounds in his stomach that are getting him here, but anyway, so like he, he celebrates so hard he starts to die. Mm-hmm. Right. Marcos.

This is where Marcos sneaks in and he's like, you know, it's, it's all over. It's all over. And like, yeah, the clock running out was a dead giveaway. Marco. Trust me. We've been clicking pause to see the time left in the movie. It's dark. Way ahead of you, Marco.

Psych every eight seconds at this point. Marco explains that no, there was no poison attack. It was all a prank war. And then that's when he finds out crystal is dead. And we learn that he is not as into this role as Clarence. Oh no. Crystal. So dad goes to walk outside and Marcos is like, oh, don't do that.

They'll shoot you and kill you and he's like really because that you said it's over and it was all a prank and he's like, yeah, with not in the sense that they won't still kill you. I guess. I don't know. I mean, Clarence, you live in LA. Yeah. Well, that's true. No, that's fair. That's it. To be Marshall Lott to die. Yeah. Right. And so he steps out. He goes to the porch where he's about to do the,

we're going to catch up with the beginning of the movie. But first he's going to give the billion dollar lottery ticket to Evan. You know, he's like, at least you can die a billionaire, I guess, or whatever. Cool. Weird sequel to blank check. Yeah. Really love that. I'm going to be a billionaire right when the entire economy collapses.

All right. That'll be great. Thanks, Ted. That'll be great. Can I, can I go back and run to the other guy? Is he? And then he walks out on the porch. He's like, oh, it's just like I dreamed.

And I'm like, was the teaser at the beginning, him dreaming, because this is all gonna turn out to have been a dream. So that would have to be him dreaming that he dreamed this, the dream. The dream, yes. But I guess now he's going out to his porch to commit suicide by cop, right?

He's gonna come at them with the shotgun. To be clear, he's he's gone out to his porch to commit suicide by cop, right? He's going to come at them with the shotgun to be clear. He's already shot and dying. Yes. It feels weird to be like, well, this could take minutes. And let me tell you, they used the movie's whole squib budget in this scene, right? Be sure to shoot him like six times very dramatic. Also, one of my favorite things, this belongs on a Christian movie,

Bingo Card somewhere for sure. The actor who has never had squips on their body moment where the actor is like, yes, here. Ow, we out, ow. Ow. Ow. So hot. And then Clarence wakes up.

He's on his moon boot inversion thing or whatever. This whole movie was a dream. Except, except the daughter is pregnant and Evans biological father did jealously watch him teach the kid best, but like, you can't, you have to put, like those all happened before the moon boot scene. You have to keep all your dream shit on the same side of the movie, the movie.

He would have had to psychically dream so much of this shit. Anyway, and then, and then the fucking evangelist, which by the way showed up before he did the moon boot thing. Yep. Right. So they've just walked around the block and come back to give him another go apparently. The older guy, he has pretty bad Alzheimer's. He just walked around. No.

He does the same house six or seven times. He's talking to himself out. And you just see over him. Come on. Right. And to be clear, he had that, you know, sweet heart attack dream. So all that happened. And now he's supposed to be like very receptive

yes to the Jehovah's Witnesses because he like learned a lesson. Now he's like, come right in. I'd like to hear about Jehovah. Yeah. Yeah, you know what, Pascal's wager will toss in the J.Dubs. Cool. Here's the thing though.

If you die of blood loss from a bullet wound in a dream, maybe J.Dubs aren't the one for you. I'm just definitely not for you. Definitely not for you. Definitely not for you. Take the right lesson from your. Jesus Christ. All right, I don't want to say any more words because there's no way I'm going to have a better joke than that to end on. So that's going to do it for our review of lockdown 2025. But that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to fall back into this pit next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck.

Well, Jens, as you may have noticed in your calendar, next week's episode is our Valentine's Day, Techular. Oh, content. All right. Fine. So we'll be watching love, but not just love for each other. Love for the universe.

Yes. We'll be watching the secret dare to dream. Oh, I'm excited. All right. So with that to legitimately look forward to, we're gonna bring episode 390 to merciful clothes. Once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make this show go. If you look at yourself among the ranks, you can be pre-episode donation at patreon.com. So I got off on there by your early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show on your own. You're on your own via various social media platforms. If you enjoyed this show,

be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating aides, the attestion, the D&D minus, and the scuffer grad available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or sit about suggestions, you can email Godoffalmoviesatgmail.com. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media, our theme song was written and performed by Rand Slaping, with the Jeff Stomars, all the other music was written before by our audio engineer, Morgan Kirkkin, was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week, for Heathen Wright and Eli Bosley, I'm No Lusions from Mr. Workhardt or another chunk this week until then.

We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Evan the six year old son went on to be told, go fuck yourself on his seventh birthday. So? Clarence did not win the lot. Jehovah's Witnesses have a website full of their movies. Have those more of these? I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like,

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I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, of this shit. No, we're gonna start there. Sorry. Here we go. One more. From the top. And we're back for stuff. Sorry.