God Awful Movies - 393: Kids vs. Wizards

Episode Date: February 28, 2023

This week, the guys team up for an atheist review of Kids vs. Wizards, a Russian propaganda cartoon about the dangerous of witchcraft and sorcery. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

I love the Eastern Orthodox religion, because you know Catholicism is all been westernized. Oh don't you know Saint Peter went among the children in each funny rabbit, had a tiny mushroom that loved its mother, and the Eastern Orthodox saints are just like, this is Saint Quote on the Nege, he killed and lost his skin. Oh were you done? This why we've no eat on Thursday, we've done. That was the story? That is it, it's the story.

He lost his skin and what do we do? He died, we know it. Okay. Not awful. Movie. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be I'm your host, no, there's just sitting 700 miles to my media left. Is my good friend Heathen, right? Heath, welcome back. Come red. No, welcome, welcome, welcome. There he is.

This is the greatest movie we've ever done. Ever. I think it's the greatest we've ever done. I think it might be. Yeah, it might be my go to like, Hey, what do you do for a living? Let me show you this may be my new answer. And sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I wish I could do space. This is why we need

a video component so that I could publicly walk into frame for this podcast like fucking Vince Vaughan filled with a bug alien. Yeah. Every time you like look to the right, you can do so as though you were on one of those turn tables from wheel of fortune or something. Yeah. So tell us what will we be breaking down today? We watched children against wizards. Well, that's one of the names of it. Yeah.

Kings V warlocks or something like that. It's the story of that time, the Jewish Nazi warlock cartel tried to take over the world in 2004 and had to fight against a Russian spy child who learned about Jesus' anti-magic from an old Greek man who's into bestiality. The bestiality was into him, but other than that, yes, yes, you had that right. That's the movie. I'm serious. I didn't make anything up. That's the movie. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach all kind of shit, but and it's it's worth checking all of those to find it if you have trouble. You sure is. And so sure is.

And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you loved that time, you watched a puppeteer die halfway through his show. But you wish the message was written by a man who convinced your grandma that Hillary eats babies in a pizza place is non-existent basement. You will love this movie. It's the animation is so goddamn weird. Like at one point I wrote as a joke in my notes. It's like they rotoscoped muppets. But as the movie went on, I started to honestly ask myself like holy shit did they just rotoscope my business? Yeah.

I feel like they did. It's a possibility. I want, there are animation mistakes in this movie that I feel like you would have to go out of your way to do. Like the guy with the one eyebrow? Yes, there are mistakes that are based on gravity, which doesn't exist in animation like something will fall and I'll be like, why would that be fall? There's no gravity in the animation versus.

Hi, so is there anything you guys want to nominate? This one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, everything Eli just said, best worst animation. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, well, and it really, truly best worst in every possible way, right? Because in some ways it's incredible. Sometimes they'll back away from something and the textures are all just photo realistic and you're like, oh, this is really what oh never mind

Yeah, it's got too many bones in his face. Okay, when they had when they tried to do birds it got in He got so fucking insane. You know what it reminded me of I don't know if you guys had this experience But when I was a kid you'd play video games and video games just worked and then graphics became a thing And the first time you put in a CD for a game that was too advanced for your home computer That's what this animation looks. Oh fuck. I got I find out what a graphics card is and get one Yeah, and the graphics card wasn't good enough to have like three construction paper birds be like three different frames of a bird going across the screen. That's unreal. They have trouble with people walking. Just like a ton of walking. You say some of the worst part. One object moves is apparently like pretty difficult when it comes to animation.

One person holds an object is too hard for them. One person walks out a hallway and actually gets further down the hallway is too hard for them. It's insane what they get wrong. But the best, the most incredible example of the bad animation is my best worst. It's one hour, 13 minutes and 50 seconds into the movie and the last six seconds. And I really implore you to just check this out. Best worst punchy kickie. Oh, yes. This is the part where the guy comes

in. The two kids are about to get caught. The guy comes in and kicks the asses of the two guards. It is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. There are not words and there cannot be words. You just gotta see it. You just gotta see it. You just gotta see it. You just gotta see it. You just gotta see it. It's like 9-11 in blow jobs.

You just gotta experience it, everybody. And so I'm gonna take the easy one here. I'm gonna go with best worst religion. Okay. And look, I know that's a big claim. You know, that's a big claim. We review a lot of bad religions, a lot of bad beliefs on the show.

But Eastern Orthodoxy, first of all, this is our first exposure to it on this podcast. And it is as close to bad time travel as I can possibly. Yeah. If you're holding an ancient two level cross-up to a guy who's holding a machine gun, something is off in the timeline.

Alright, well, we've got a lot of what, a lot of the, and a lot of fuck on the other side of this break, so we're gonna keep it brief and then we'll dive into all the rotoscoped muppets that are... Kids vs Wizards. Agent Spetsky, Agent Chromovitch. Yes, sir. We have new assignment from Ministry of Propaganda. Very important. Okay, what is it? So, you know how we mostly disrupt Western democracy? Of course, of course. And cover up war crimes. But historical and present. Yes, yes. So now, Russia would like you to make a shrek.

What? Sorry, you want us to what? To make a shrek. You know the shrek, big green. I have seen the shrek. Yes. You mean like bootleg copies to disrupt the sales of the Shrek? Ooh, we can do that. No, no, no, no, a new Shrek, but it is about Russia

and our good friend Jesus. You want us to make Shrek about Russia and our good friend Jesus Christ? Exactly, yes. But, but Commander, we are not animators, we are not storytellers. Yes, we are largely forcibly recruited, better files.

I know this, I know, but you make a shrek anyway, or else, perhaps. Oh, we make a shrek, we can make a shrek. Coming right up. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're going to open up by establishing that Eli was not exaggerating when he referred to this movie last week as official Russian propaganda. Nope.

That's the opening thing. That's on the screen. Yep. That's the first thing is like this is a Russian propaganda film in text. Yeah. That's a weird thing to announce in the opening credits. Just right to the propaganda. I guess. Yeah. Right. Like I know that top gun is technically like Air Force propaganda and a

bunch of other movies are too, but we don't start top gun by being like from the bottom corner of our high school class comes top gun. No, we just like you got to be chill. So, and after we get the propaganda warning, it comes up and it has this like long quote about what it means to be a Russian and whether it's like a language or whether it's a fucking seed in your heart or whatever. As an NFL fan, this truck is an insufficiently

jingoistic opening, but yeah. Hey, hey, hey, see I wrote in my notes, okay, I thought the FBI warning at the front of our movies was weird. Yeah, they're weirdly mad about it. Apparently, this is like a big controversy. I guess in Russia, people who are like, yeah, Russian means you're from Russia, but then the people who made this are like, no, no, it also means you love Jesus and the motherland

and Bolognium darts and Vladimir Putin, shirtless on horse and all that stuff. Yeah. So, yeah, that's what Russia means. Yes, exactly. I guess it's kind of like Merca, like Russia, according to this movie is Merca, according to Americans who say that. Right.

This is very much a make Russia great again propaganda piece. So we open up, we're panning up from the sea to the sigil of baffin may painting on the wall. And right then we're like, Oh, wow, this, um, animation is fantastic. CGI looked communist. I don't even know what that means, but it looked like it was made by like one brand state brand CGI. Yeah. Well, the first time it really felt like part was when those doors opened because we see this like, we're looking at the castle and it's got these big

or Nate doors and everything and it all looks really good. But then the doors open and you realize that there's no depth whatsoever and everything's just been slapped onto surfaces like they used the doom engine or something. Yeah. There's definitely a moment as I was watching this where I was like, oh yeah animation is hard

Well, yeah, what it really broke down is where they because this car's leaving the big castle the big creepy castle or whatever And then they cut inside and we see a human being for the first time and we're like, oh rotoscope to Muppet At this point I was writing in my notes. okay, how bad does animation have to be before I'm legally allowed to stop calling it animation? Like, if they just wave a drawing at the camera, I don't have to call it animation, right? It's in animation. Yeah.

Yeah, there you go. So yes, so, but this guy is leaving this castle. There's smoke following him ominously in his limousine and we pan all the way out from that to a satellite. Just the Russian government being like, we have satellite. Anyway, moving on with the movie invented fucking sad first. Don't know if you notice this. This one was up there first. And then we get the, we get the title screen on mine.

It said children against wizards. I love the extent to which this movie can't decide what it's called in America. And then we get a chapter title. This is part one, the evil returns. The parts in this movie are insane because there's seven parts, but the first one is like half an hour long and the rest of them are all like six minutes or whatever. Yeah, but this is part one, the evil returns. It's like a D&D minus plot. And so, but suddenly we're not in animation anymore, right? So we see this helicopter land and a soldier gets out and he talks to another soldier. And at first I was like, wait, are the Russians just pretending they're this good at animation? Right? He starts doing like a weird robot walk. Oh, yes, I am also a trick. Yeah.

The love and love. A trick. But the one soldier's telling the other that the evil has begun rising again and that mages and sorcerers are quote, becoming active. Okay. This conversation is so matter of fact. Yeah. They like hug and then he's like, yeah, good time. So the evil rises again, you know, a major sorcerer is anyway. And the other guy's like, hey, the sorcerer is maybe in a big school. So where are you gonna,

where are you gonna bite around here, huh? So yeah. And so I googled this at this point. I was like, is there like a mages and sorcerers thing in Russia? Yes, there is. Oh, yeah. Like, I don't know if it is an American.

I'm allowed to make fun of this because our guys just a goat demon instead of a major or a sorcerer, but like the way that fucking Tucker Carlson talks about the green M&M, they're crazy. People are like, just so you know, a bunch of Jews, sorcerers are definitely trying to curse your baby. He's absolutely. So we get that quick scene and then we got the commander of like, the military boy scouts or something. Yeah. He goes into this tent where there's these three kids and he's got a, he's got something very important to tell them, but first he has to tell them a story. Now the story he has to tell him is the movie. Yep. Right. So the rest of this movie is going to be framed as this camp commander talking

to these three cadets and explaining the movie to them. While he lays seductively across their beds. Yeah, it's a little, yeah, a little weird. Yeah. So a lot of canteen boy vibes, not, not. Yeah. He says, I'm going to start with a story that looks like a fairy tale. He says, look, I'm like, I'm like, in that it's animated. And yes, that is the answer. But he explains to them about the conspiracy of the masters, the masters planned to take over Russia with magic. And this all happened apparently 15 years ago.

So we do do back to 15 years ago. We cut to the smoke demons accompanying that same dude who drove out of the castle. He's now in a private jet. He is Leonard. He used to be a promising Russian student, but decided to become a mage and or wizard instead. The Eli Bosnich story, an atheist who believes in mage wizard. Right.

Yes. He said, he, he, quote, developed a theory of absence of God and quote Yeah, you have to develop that theory. It's just there isn't I just developed it. I just wrote my nose like we atheists and our Occult magic we are Notorious right yeah, I'm just picturing him staring at a notebook blank isn't real Just defending his thesis for a PhD. No, I'm done. They're none. But we learned that after he was an atheist, he learned the occult in Scotland. And can I say, can I say great place for the occult diet? No one's going to be looking for the

dark forces of Satan in Scotland. So then, okay, so now we have to meet the Mastashio lieutenant general, Timothy Aropkin. He's the commander of the military school. The Mastash is in this movie are aggressive. I guess, is that a big thing in Russia? Is everybody rocking just Mastash? It may be, but the reason why everybody has a distinct and weird fucking Mastash is because these animators were so bad that's the only way we could tell characters apart from each other.

They had one mustache budget and they were like, we'll figure it out. Yes. This movie was made in the Roblox character creators. So they were like, oh, fuck, give him a, a peg leg and two monocles, three monocles, shit. So yeah, so we get him like a welcome guest cadets to the military school. They all hooray in the manner of imprisoned banshee's wailing to escape. That noise stayed in my head. They literally do the muffins like arms in the air. Yeah. Again with the animation too, the cadets, they're all standing in line trying

to be serious, but they're like having trouble standing the animated cadets. Like they look like drunk drivers trying to stand, you know, normal. After getting pulled over when the cops had a, which is reeling a little bit. Yeah. So then we cut to a ropekins office where we're going to meet Sebastian Kupri on the Vitch. I just, I like the fact that I can pronounce that just by seeing a Kupri on the Vitch. Sounds good.

I wrote Sebastian something Russian is doing. Yeah. Okay. No, that's fair. That's fair. Yeah. He's Russia's chief fucking occult wizard hunter. And he's there to tell a Rubkin about the high academy of

worlds, mages and the threat, the existential threat that they pose to Russia. Yeah. Right. I love how like this is such a serious conversation. But before it starts, he has to be like, so there's this really, okay, you got it like a giant antique thing on your desk. Thank you. I was literally about. thing on your desk. Thank you. I was literally about to, it's really distracting. It's so big.

It's the only thing on your desk. And the two character models cannot interact with it, right? It's supposed to be like a tea server, but these two, like, fake apps, they might as well try to come through the screen and shragdle us to death. So they're just, the two two character models just like vaguely slap against the side of this insane looking hookah. And then like T pours into a cup kind, you know, a T liquid pours kind of from a faucet into a bowl shaped hologram and they're like there, T. And again, this thing that's sitting in the middle, it is so perfectly and lovingly rendered

with all of these different reflections, you can tell with a light, and everything around it is like, now man, we're really phoning this in. Why did you go all out? Yeah. You know what it reminds me of? If any of our listeners play judges

and dragons on roll 20, they have a bunch of free tokens, which look like shit, but occasionally professional designers will just throw one of their designs into the free token barrel. So to be like, look at this beautiful three dimensional dragon. And here's scoop the chair. That's what this movie is animated like. Also, we learn that this boss guy, his name is Samovar, and he has this giant ornate Samovar of coffee or tea on his desk. Like, do you think it's supposed to be that he likes the name so much that he accentuated

that by having this? Oh, they know. The centerpiece. Or there was a confusion when the end, and you will animate Samovar, and then he shows up and he's like, I want for two weeks on giant tea. Oh, you're like the guy. She all you're going to be mad at me. So yeah, so he shows the satellite images to a rope kind of all the different like wizards, wizarding and at fucking Scottish hog warts.

Right. Because that's what this is. This is Hogwarts. Yeah. The high academy of worlds mages and how yeah, Hogwarts is like one of their branch colleges, I guess, of Han. Probably. He says, Han originated from the German military institute, the Nazi one. So this is like a Nazi origin cartel of wizards that wants to attack Russia. That's the plot now. Yes.

Jews. But it's all for Jews. Thank you. The movie doesn't know like the movie can't decide whether it's Jewish or Nazi. Well, so that's the thing though in Russia, those two things are not distinct. They're just bad. And they're both bad. Well, yeah, but the key is is that they don't really focus on all the Jewish stuff when it comes to Nazis. Because they're also anti-Semitic as fuck. I don't mean to like pay the entire

fucking country. I'm talking about the Hurrah, Muruk, a version of the people who would enjoy this. The propaganda department who made this movie. Exactly, exactly. But yes, that's the reason is that those two things that is not a contradiction to them. Right? Yeah. The fact that they, you know, invade Ukraine and say it's because they're so Nazi, it's

like really is the guy running the country Jewish? But, yeah. Who is one of those Jewish Nazis? They also slide into Slavic as a slur word constantly too. So like, the whole thing is like, evil people are Nazi, Slavic and Jewish, whatever, just go with it. They're evil magic. Are Russians Slavic?

No. Some of them, a lot of them. Yeah. We clarified at the beginning, I never caught that they were saying Slavic were bad. I know they said that the anti Christ was supposed to be Slavic because they've heard the accents. They've seen the movies that we've seen. They know. No, we clarified the beginning. The only real Russian is people who is loyal to movie Shrek we make. Yeah, right, right. No, exactly. But the most important thing here that Seb has to explain to a Republican is that only a teenager could infiltrate

the evil wizard school. They tried it with adults. They get snipped out right away. So he needs to find a couple of kids from his academy that he can trust to infiltrate fucking Jewish hogwarts, Jewish Nazi hogwarts. Yeah. And I do have to say I am glad they went with that plan because at first the general says, let's deal with them the old way. And I wrote, yeah, I do not want to watch a movie about starving Hogwarts to death and then trying to erase their historical records. So and then so and he shows him this video too of like, he's like, you know, here's the parts of the world where they've they've taken over. And then he shows them holographic video from like inside the wizard school.

I guess their satellites can zoom in through the roof, but only sometimes. Yeah, it's not quite clear. This is the first time we see all the kids like, zooping around on their brooms. Okay, wait, they're not just zooping around on their brooms. They're zooping around on their brooms in between fire breathing gargoyles. I feel like this, this wizard's cool is just an ocean nightmare. Yeah. And we meet the leader of Hogwarts. He also has a very distinct mustache, you know, very different looking one. And he, he's telling, he's got like everybody assembled in

the like main hall or whatever. And he's telling them that the chosen one, that is the anti-Christ, is there. And he will be introduced into the movie very soon. Spoiler, know the fuck he won't. Okay. He will not, he will be introduced into the movie. I'm going to go ahead and say 18 seconds before it's over. Sort of. Yes.

Yeah. So this guy announces that they figured out how to beat the Russian magic blocking property that all Russian people have. That's according to the propaganda ministry. Russian people can't be magic, I guess. Right. Because of their love for their country and their love for Jesus. And that is the main point of this story.

Yes. Okay. But the head Nazi wizard guy is like, okay, but there's a prophecy about a chosen one. We've found the chosen one. So like neo from the mate, they found, they found neo Nazi. And now they're like, you know, like do the prophecy with fucking neo Nazi. Yeah, it's the plan. So and then we, we very briefly dig into like the origin of the order or, or, or lack thereof. And we, we learned that like they tried the, the order originated when they were trying to keep the Russians from turning Christian back in the dead. Yeah. Right? Because the order, quote, didn't want another powerful country at Europe. And I'm like, how they nailed it. Then based on this, the reason, invasion. I also, I just want to say that this is where the movie like sets

aside and it's like, Hey, just so you guys know, we mean Jews. Like I, I'm worried that you might just think we're talking about wizard, but we do mean Jews. So now we're going to show you a bunch of historical pictures of Jews. Just so you really get it when I say when we mean the order, you know what I'm saying? The order. Yeah, so the order was inspired by Judas's betrayal, their big Judas fans there at the order. But then the narrator, the guy telling the, the story cuts in, he's like, but enough random praise for Orthodox Christianity back to Leonard infiltrating Russian public schools. Because so the guy that we saw leaving the school originally, he was on a mission to go to Russia and to recruit potential wizard students.

Yes. All right. So he thunders and lightens his way into a classroom to talk about how God is bullshit and he can do wizard magic. No I get it. We had a guy come and talk to us about bullying that did improv comedy and I think I would have preferred. It's like that. The wizard magic that turns my teacher sexy.

Yeah. He like he uses his magic to give the teacher far more satanic and sexy clothes. When she immediately goes like, Hey, this super cool magic trick. Can you change me back? I'm in the middle of a work day. And you put me into like a ball gown. This is horribly inappropriate for that for the workplace. Also, super low level spell. You're a Nazi warlock. You're trying to press the kids. You just gave me like a

dress that's a different color. I feel like I didn't really do anything. And then a kid stands up and is like, you're shitty wizard. That was fucking boring. Yes. I can like melt stuff and kill flowers. If I want, which of course proves that beauty in the world is stupid. This like nihilist kid is such a bummer to the Nazi magic guy. It's awesome. Yeah. So this is Nadia. We'll learn later that this is a Rupkins granddaughter. And she looks like you paper mache a girl onto a skeleton. Yeah. She's fucking terrifying. This is a, this is a doll you find in a serial killer's basement. And you just go right upstairs and shoot him in the head. Just right up to no more arresting.

We're going full prisoners now. Yeah, but she explains that his magic is bullshit because it doesn't last and it's not real beauty or whatever. And she tells them that only God can make real miracles to which he says, that's very interesting. You and I should meet in a quiet place all by ourselves after class to discuss this. Yikes. Yeah. So, okay. So then we cut back to a ropekins office where he and Savar trying to decide like which

of their cadets to send undercover to Hogwarts. Yeah. And ultimately they settle on this kid Ivan and his best friend, Piotr. And then we cut back to Leonard, the guy from the evil castle or whatever, meeting with Nadia in the hallway after class and telling her that she would make a great wizard if she would just come to his Scottish wizardry school. It's like a bad recruitment gone wrong, right? He's like, no, trust me. You could be a really great wizard.

And she's like, I don't know. Are there side effects? And he's like, I mean, our campus is in Scotland. Does that set to anything? You could say a slur at the live show and they'll just kind of go Oh, they'll like let you get away with it That was all explained it was to make sense when people have chat and verified that yes in the northeast of the United States Thing a package store slurps or a thing Sorry, I'm just thinking of the guy his first episode. He's just taking out his headphones. Okay, weird movie.

Yeah. Yeah. No, nothing appeals to do listenership like inside jokes from live events from seven years ago. About slurs. Yeah, I say that's all the time. And Noah's always like, no, quick, quick, quick. I'm glad you're finally admitting so here.

And also, Nadia's motivations in here are impossible to keep track of, right? Because originally she's like, no, only God can do magic. And he's like, well, you could do magic. And she's like, no, I can't. And he's like, yeah, all you'd have to do is love magic more than your country or your religion or your family. And she's like, oh, well, in that case, yeah, I kind of do want to do.

Oh, I don't know. I just have to prioritize magic above my parents. Yeah, let's do this. So I'm going to do that above my parents. Yeah, let's do this. Let's do this. That case, it should be fairly easy. So yeah, so she renounces her family in her country super fucking quick, so fast, and he gives her a magic book to read. Mm-hmm.

So, okay. So then we're going to meet Cadet Ivan. He's going to be the main character of this school. And I have him down as Russian bevis. He's very accurate. Yeah, it depends on the angle, but once in a while they hit an angle of him and you're like, well, that's fucking, that's a bevis puppet. That's very accurate. Yeah, it depends on the angle, but once in a while they hit an angle of them and you're like, well, that's fucking, that's a beavers puppet. That's very.

He's KG Beavis. Oh God damn. How dare you. Well done. So, okay, so he comes in and Seb briefs him on the wizard's school. It gives us all that same fucking exposition that they just gave him. And he explains that five Russian orphans have been recruited to the castle and Ivan has to go to the castle to rescue them.

That is his mission. Keep that in mind throughout the entire story that the reason they sent him in the first place was to rescue five Russian orphans. Oh, and we should also point out because they mentioned here that the kids that the Russians that they're sending them to rescue don't want to be rescued. They don't want to be rescued. They don't want to be there. So he's sending them there, you know, to kidnap those children and forcibly deport them. Obviously, yeah.

But they use the term rescue. They're pretty interchangeable in Russia, I guess. And they, they will constantly refer to the fact that like, look, sometimes in Russia, there are people who need to be rescued, maybe just over the border of a certain country, don't worry about that. And they will be like, no, do not rescue me. This is technically a war crime, but you're right. You are rescuing them. So, and he says, I want to bring my buddy, Piotr with him. And they're like, yeah, we already kind of established him as the sidekick and he's like, good. And then they give him a watch. And they're like, yeah, we already kind of established him as the sidekick and he's like, good. And then they give him a watch.

And they're like, this watch will allow us to track you at all times. And if you're ever in trouble, you can just press this button three times. And it sends out a distress call. And he's like, oh, I guess this is going to probably help me out of a real jam later on in the movie. And they're like, you'll be shocked by how little it does actually. You'll be, you'll be, you'll actually be a minute. What if I told you it literally does not matter in the movie at all this

This is an ass watch right to be clear feels like an ass watch Yeah, we don't need to ask at some point. I'm not expecting them to put a watch on any of these animation models Come on take it seriously So okay, so that night we get Nadia, the girl who has been recruited. She goes home and she tells Grandpa Oropkin that she wants to renounce her citizenship and become a Scottish sorcerer. And he's and in Oropkin is like, why don't you ice skate instead, huh? He's like, no, you do figure skating now. Russians are automatically the best in the world that figure skating. Yes.

Like straight from the propaganda department. Like somebody might as well walk in and be like, they sure are wink. Okay. Ready for the rest of the move. Look at this collection of Olympic golds. Yeah. Right. Our judges are reasonable.

But I just, I want to know who in that writer's room was like, we have to mention the figure sk figures really. And David says nothing to do with the fact that your nieces in the Olympics this year. No, no, are we propagating or not? It's important to me. Also, my mom make best parogi. So you guys never propagand on what I want to propagate. He'll reclint in this.

He'll reclint in dance. And so not just like, um, she's like, you know, if my parents weren't in Australia, they'd let me sell my soul to Satan to go to Wizarding School. And it's like, oh, they not have fucking bones in us, Jimmy. Yeah, but yeah, but apparently we have to establish that she's not an orphan, damn it. She's got parents. They're just not around. And then the doorbell rings.

And she runs down the hall to get the door, but she runs like 13 fucking miles. Just make the hallway smaller. You draw it. We watched them learn how to use the model. It's like, okay, we got her running. We, and okay, now move her forward. Nope, that looks like she's floating, but also moving her. God, you gotta make her smaller and go up. Jesus, this is a lot of stuff. She's tripping on the box. I drew in the middle of the hallway. Why did you draw a box in the middle of the hallway?

I was already there. It's already there. And the mission is so hard, guys. Can we just convince all the boomers that we made the good movie? That seems way easier. But the knock on the door, though, is from Ivan and Piotr who have showed up at his house to like, I guess you get the last minute details

on their mission or something. She overhears them talking about that. That will also never matter to the story. There's so many. Okay. I thought this movie kept setting up for her to betray them because she like walks in on me here later They'll reveal a secret to her. None of it will ever matter at all to the plot. No fucking way. Yeah So we've got a quick scene of Leonard calling his boss and hey, you know I flew all the way to Russia. I only got one student, but she's she's awesome She's like a major character. She'd already been established as a character. So it's a big deal.

And then we get fucking Ivan Piotr being driven to the airport for their trip to Scotland. They're very round about eventual trip to Scotland. Yes. And there's a very clearly like propaganda. Like, look at the beautiful Russian country. So like a farmer with a sickle might as well like rise up and be like plenty of food for everybody.

I just wrote my notes here. I was like, oh, I'm so grateful I get to hate my country. I can't imagine how much it must suck to have to be like, oh, Mary Kim. Farmer just like puts down a sickle. Does a triple axle figure skating move? Yes, we're good at all these things. Yes. So, and Robkin takes them to the airport. This is where they're going to introduce them to a

different adult with a different distinct mustache. This is Victor. And he's going to be acting as the superior officer for the remainder of the film, right? So they fly out headed that way, I guess. We get Ivan. He's asleep on the plane dreaming of getting a commendation from the Russian president. This is going to matter. Pay attention, everybody. Yes, right. So less than the movie. And it is.

It is. I was just very proud of myself for recognizing the Grand Cremlin palace from the animation. So Ivan wakes up and they're like, Hey, bad news. There's fog on the ground. So the plane can't land. We're going to have to parachute in. And I'm like, I've landed on planes when it's foggy. Like that's definitely, they could definitely do that.

You know what I never considered was parachuting in debt for safety, much safer. Can you imagine that you're just on your fucking delta or whatever they're like, guys, sorry, it's super foggy. The good news is trust me. United will start doing that to passengers this year. No, I'll be careful. No, you're right.

That's the, I don't want to give him any ideas. Also, this is where I thought they were still headed to school. They're not, they have a little side mission first, but I thought they were just going to parachute into school. Like, hello, yep, to the old parachute in. I'm here to be a wizard. Yes, the wizard. It's, the way they get into the school is not less dumb.

That's true. So, okay, but no, but instead of Scotland, they're actually parachuting down into Serbia, which is not directly on the way from where they were coming anyway. And when we knew they were in Serbia, did anyone else have a moment where you were like, boom, really want the Russian propag Russian propaganda's opinion on Serbia. It's like if Germany had a propaganda department it was like, let's head over to Auschwitz. I'm like, oh.

Yeah, and then, and is it that's not bad enough? They're like, oh, head up that mountain. Just on the other side of that is Kosovo and we're like, oh God damn. Oh. Yeah, it's like they fucking heard me. Well, if you're worried that they might like depict a war crime in Kosovo and his second thing, they will.

They literally will. Yeah, and and apropos of fucking nothing. We'll get there. I just wrote in my notes, imagine how bored the live action cadets must be by this story right now, right? And then we went to and the kids are like Scotland. No, sirby. be by this story right now, right? And then we went to, and the kids are like, Scotland, no, Serbia. Snow, I went to Kosovo where I stopped war crimes. Yeah, well, I responded to war crimes.

So to be clear, they flew from Russia to Serbia so that they could hike into Kosovo. Yes. Correct. But first they go to like a rave on a mountain in Kosovo because they want to before the mission. So the mission was to get to this military, like this military base that was in this Kosovo mountain so that they could get a couple of tiny little helicopters that could fly them to Greece. When did Justin Russia where they're from? They were on an airplane. They were on a fucking airplane. They could have gone all the fly them to Greece. When they just in Russia, where they're from?

They were on an airplane. They were on a fucking airplane that could have gone all the goddamn way to Greece. I have no fucking idea. But Noah, Noah, think were they in a full split with their cock and balls out? Well, they were on their way. You're right, you're right, you're right.

No, period of conflict. They need to get in these incredibly silly helicopters that you must be in full split riding. They're the greatest and they're made out of a little box. So they like, they like, yeah, micro helicopters. Yeah, exactly. They like to some secret warehouse facility that we're gonna learn is where this leader guy dropped little box helicopters like a bunch of years ago.

Yes. And then he has him take out the boxes and he's like, okay, build helicopters. It's four step process. Look at the pictures. You'll need an Allen wrench. Yes, everyone add on a wrench and ski. So four steps to build helicopters.

Yep. And then he's like, and they're like, wow, how did you know these helicopters were here? He's like, well, to tell you that story, I'm gonna have to be pedoodlely do and go back another five years to Serbia in 1999. So back in 1999, when he was serving in Kosovo, he came across a bunch of evil Serbians killing civilians,

which we watched for a fucking while. Right. So again, to be clear, what this doodly do is, is how do I build these helicopters? That reminds me of the war crimes we didn't do. Yes. The other guys did. And yeah, we're in a flashback of a doodly, like I wanted the movie to keep just doodly doing back and like eventually we're in Genesis and they're like, okay.

Yeah. Yeah. Leonardo DiCaprio has to get a ladder and have a straw mame. To get us out. And so yeah, but once all of the civilians were all, but three of the civilians were killed. Victor and his men sprung into action. They saved the hot blonde and the none. Yeah, you guys, you guys remember the Balkan wars and how the, uh, the Russians were the heroes of all that. We always say, yeah. It's what we always say. So, yeah. So they heroically save a bunch of people and

and find some Serbian micro helicopters that he can stash for late. Hey, that's pretty disturbing to have in an animated film. Do you think we could end this segment with a nun describing the horrors of war and then hard cut away and never addressed it again? Sure can. So, yeah, so the nun talks about the time that all of the other nuns that the nunnery were murdered and raped and then the nunnery was set on fire and then we unbuck and swish the doodly-doin pictures like anyway that's how we got these hell. He's hellic up.

He's never addressed the nun. He's just, she's just like in this screaming. I hear it whenever I sleep. Beverly boo, Beverly boo. Beverly boo. But now, but then he explains once more to these kids that they don't have to worry about the wizard because faith in God and love of country

protects Russians from wizard magic. Also, we have to do another errand before we do our part. Right. And he's like, oh, are we gonna take these micro helicopters to Scotland? He goes, no, we're gonna, we're going to go to Greece from here. Really? Because that's also not really directly in the. So yeah, so but they all get their little micro shoppers and head degrees.

Full splits. Yes. You must watch this. I feel like you go side saddle on this thing, right? That's got to hurt, especially after you have a little oil, right? Chris Cross, applesauce or something. Yeah, something. Can't be comfortable. But then we back all the way out of the dude we do to the live action tent with the soldiers. And he's like, anyway, that's as much of the story as we're going to do before knowing Heath and Eli take the first break.

Yeah, because what are they fucking showing this when a teacher gets sick as a hangover in Russian school? Alright kids, and a lot of fucking last night who wants to watch part of kids versus the whizzers. Seriously, they're taught like the live action people are like, alright, I don't even know how many levels who doodly do we're in. It was like, ah, see, so it was back. The war crime ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Alright, well I'll tell you what, if this movie's taking a fucking commercial break, we could take a break too But we'll be back in a minute with even more kids versus wizards Alright everyone, write this way. Yeah everyone with the tour of the wizard school write this way. Alright

Okay, so this is our main hall as you can see our students enjoy free Broome travel throughout the school wherever they like. Yeah, I see that question. Oh, yeah, go ahead. Um, the fire breathing gargoyles. Yes, yes, these are original. They were part of the original castle. Yes.

Okay. Well, right, but they seem really close to the, um, the broom-riding children. Yes. Good eye. Yes. Good. I. Yes. The children do sometimes catch fire. But as you can see down here in the main hall, there are also children on fire just down here in the common area. So that, that is not a concern for campus. That's just something to happen. What? Sorry. Yeah. Just nope. Don't go ahead. Yeah, go ahead. I'm just looking over the course load here and it's money evil hate

Those are the classes. Yeah, that is the the course load for the first year now if there are no more questions We're gonna head over to the vampire dorm where the vampires are I Mean this is still better than public school though. Oh, yeah, big time. I'm on board. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action in the live action world while we learn how much fun

it is to be at Russian paramilitary youth camp. Why is there a small child in a hockey jersey? Someone acknowledged a small child in a hockey chair. What is he doing there? He's just there. He's got a clipboard. Is he like the push-up counter? I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the town. I want to go into the town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town.

I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small town. I want to go into the small and no one acknowledged it. Is he magical? So we watched like this weird fucking montage of paramilitary summer camp where we watch kids do pushups for like a really long time.

Most of the kids were not taking them particularly seriously. But then we watched target practice with pellet guns and knife throwing practice. Okay, in what scenario during a war against evil sorcerers, would you be in like a Hectoral Muscle Strength contest or pellet gun shooting knife throwing? How would that help against wizards? Well, this isn't this is not a paramilitary camp against wizards. This is for you. Craig. Yeah.

Okay. And you are going to need to throw some knives into the line. You're going to run out of it. Is that a war thing still? Yeah. Sure is. Would you be in supply by the Russians? Yeah. No, no, no, when you say knife throwing montage, do you mean like a brief montage of a couple of students hitting the targets? Or do you mean every single person's turn at night throwing, whether they hit or miss, including the cleanup where they go. And remove the knives from the targets.

Even worse, when one of the kids forgets to do it and they call him back up to take his knives out for the next kid, that makes it in. I think the whole point of this was to embarrass the one kid that didn't manage to stick any of the knives, right? Both Niskey, we keep you in montage and leave you for a last. Yes. You get giant hockey shirt. So, yeah, so, but this wraps up with the commander guy going like, you know, there's a saying

in Russia, and I don't remember what the saying was, I summarized it as even children sometimes must die in battle for the glory of the motherland. I know that's not verbatim, but it was something like that. And he was like, also there's pizza rolls if you're hungry, dismissed. The fact that Russia's propaganda department was happy about showing this is terrifying. They're like, yeah, we have, you know, camps for kids to learn knife throwing. Yes, we do. And satellites and we killed that dog. Yep.

And then, okay. So then we get the title card for part two, blessing and valid diction. And that starts out with the kids playing two on one, Rochambo, which, honestly, I'm surprised that we don't do regularly. Yeah. It's fun to be the middle one. Right. Well, and you're always sitting in the middle of the lives. It. It's fun to be the middle one. Right, right.

Well, and you're always sitting in the middle of the live. So look at that. Makes sense. That makes sense. Now we know what we're doing in Seattle. Yeah. So the CEO, yeah, instead of a show, we just, we can get it going. We got, you know, people who come to the shows there, they're going to have fun.

Yeah. They're going to enjoy it. So, okay. So the CEO comes in to tell more of the story and all the kids just can't wait. They're like, oh great. This awesome story. Just do any more nuns get raped to death in it. He's like, man, no. Hey boss, do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do and he's like, fuck. I yeah, I yeah, that that is what was happening. Okay. He keeps telling the movie. All right, and then we're going to get the most useless 11 minutes of the movie, right?

This is where Ivan, Pewter and Victor show up at the houses of a couple of holy men in Greece on their little microcopters. Gardenums. Yes, well, one of them is very clearly a gardenum. I think the other two are half garden. Oh, me, yeah. It feels like someone was halfway through making a model for the trolls movie and they were like, oh, sorry, trolls. I don't know, I mean, was no, it was, um, can I sell the Russian department again? Okay, cool. Ersatz animation that these Russian theaters thought. And look, the translation for this movie is just so, so, but we have one of my favorite mistakes here in this scene where

the gnomes invite them to eat with them and they say, have a potluck with us. I want it so badly for them to have brought like a hot dish and a side on their thigh master helicopter. It's another great moment of awesome translation is when one of the holy men says to Victor, yes, nothing is more important than the importance of the mission. Definitely. Really. And so they all sit down to eat and one of the gardenums tells them about Saint Demetri

who fought and was brave and then was ultimately killed by the people he was trying to save because this cartoon has to just throw in Marjoram now and again. I love the Eastern Orthodox religion because Catholicism has all been westernized. Oh, don't you know Saint St. Peter went among the children in each bunny rabbit, had a tiny mushroom that loved its mother and the Eastern Orthodox saints are just like, this is St. Kieltonich. He killed and lose his skin. Oh, are you done? This is why we know it on Thursday. We done.

That was the story. That is the story. He lost his skin and what do we do? He died. We know eats. Okay. That's always their solution, isn't it? What the picture of this on your child's bed, please. This yeah, to be clear though, this is like the patriarch guy and he's giving them like the blessing on the mission and he's giving him the story of this saint Demetri and he's like, yeah, heroic guy. Well, he died. But you stayed Christian while he died. So good luck. Yep. And that's the moral of the story. Yeah. Because I was like, oh, I'll be brave and they're like, it's not about being brave. It's about being my religion. Now, let's pray. So they pray and there's this amazing animation. There's this bird on the window. So when they start to pray and he flies up and I'm like, is he carrying the prayer to

heaven? He's not what the animation of this bird is just so bizarre and it's not necessary, right? Like we don't need a bird to fly around for the story to make sense or whatever. So you think when they saw how poorly they did bird, they'd just be like, hey, you know what? No birds, just no birds in this universe. He's telling this big story. He's like, yeah, it's about truth and faith and Jesus and get sorry, I'm just waiting for the dove to fly away. It'll be a second. Flapped. Still going. Flapped. He's saying flap.

Flapped. Are you saying flap? And this is an amazing terrible cut here because they're all like they're about to eat and he's like, you know, let me say a prayer and we watch the dove fly away and we're supposed to cut back to the table after dinner. But like there's not food on the table or anything because they were going to animate all of that. So it just seems like all of this is part of the the prayer before dinner and these guys are starving. It all seems like it's part of grace. Because he's like reading from the Bible when they come back and I'm like, oh, Jesus, did he read the gospel still? Yeah. Okay. But then can we talk about a wild board tried to seduce me guys? Yes. Thank you. Obviously. Obviously. So we're again, we're in the middle of this like very important story that's supposed

to be the moral of the whatever for the people doing the spy mission. And then this old patriarch guy is like a boy did a sexy lady voice and tried to fuck me. And they're like, sorry, what? And the scene. Are you maybe just a crazy person? And the guy's like, no, I literally had to fuck a board because Satan has happened.

Use that as a lesson or something. So yeah, so let me back up a bit here because like there's no exaggeration. No, they're just like, you know, but the evil one will always try to get you. Isn't that right? Don't look off. And don't look off. It's like, yes, but sometimes when I was out in the wild, the wild boars would speak to me and women's voices. And everyone just stops and they stare right at him. And Pewter's like, are you sure you weren't

just imagining it or something? Yeah. And the guy's like, no, I wasn't the person trying We're trying to seduce the animated characters in this movie are like Okay Well We're gonna go back to our children's movie now It's weird that you gave us that excuse before there was an accusation Can I say I feel like the guy thought everyone was gonna be like oh yeah me too I feel like the guy thought everyone was gonna be like, oh yeah me too, but no one did so he just had to Fuck it double down hard. He was like, oh nobody else. It's symbolic. It's symbolic. Just so you know it happens Fuck you guys

That's this old guy. He's the sage voice of wisdom in the movie. He's the Yoda of this movie and he's like, I fucked a bore. You talk about your Star Wars remakes that would win me back to the franchise. If Yoda was just like, you see that mushroom out there? So then we, we check back in on a ropekin who's checking in on Ivan and Piotr and he's like, you know, I agree. It's way too late in the movie for them not to yet have arrived at Hogwarts, but just then a subordinate comes in and he's like, sir, your granddaughter is missing and we have no idea where she is. It's like, yeah, that's what missing means. I love that he had to tell his boss. Like, yeah, no, it's the mission's about to happen. They had to pick up tiny helicopters and boxes and then we talked to the poor fucking guy.

But they, right after that, they're going to think, don't worry about it. Yeah. And his boss is like, yeah, okay, that'll try. Okay. As long as we're going to get to the plot of the movie eventually, I wouldn't have to be in the first half of the film or anything. Yeah. So then we cut back to Greece.

The pig fucker and the garden gums are telling them that a spiritual war is a foot in Russia. This is where they introduced the fact that they know that the antichrist will be Slavic, you know, based on the accents from American movies, but that's all they know about it. Yeah. And there's also a moment right there

where like just very abruptly we cut back to the live action just so one of the kids could say, so what happens next? And then we just move on to the live action just so one of the kids could say, so what happens next? And then we just move on to the next scene. This happens several times. Just do your movie. Right. I know what happens next. If you do it next, I don't understand why they keep checking back in. Well, we have to, like, this is not done in like a charming, you know, fourth wall breaking way, like in the Princess bride, bride where like there's also a story in the real world that's being

Presented to us. It's just random as fuck. It's like so I we couldn't actually finish animating that scene with our budget So tell us about the next one Went now more movie go Three two one go more movie. Yeah, so the garden ohm's tells him about this time where he met a telekinetic named Shushu Run that couldn't use his telekinesis if the gardenums had Jesus prayers. Okay. Now, maybe this is just me dealing with my PTSD from him talking about that board that seduced him with a woman's voice, but do the other animated characters seem like they're kind of only half listening to this guy now.

And I'm not even ever seen like when someone establishes themselves as crazy and you just sort of like do the nod thing and try to walk away. That's how the characters interact. They're like, oh, yeah, no, sure. Same lady as the lady, bore voices. Yeah. It's getting late. It's getting late. Well, my style. Really? Yeah. We're not on a train. So, yeah. And so Ivan's like, yeah, I want to learn how to resist wizard magic as well. And one of the gardenums is like, oh, well, for that, you'll have to sleep in the hermit cell tonight to practice your magic resistance. It's the tree in Dagobah. It's just.

It is. Yes, the tree is the tree. And Yoda was seduced by a mushroom. Okay. They have a demon cave where they put hermits. Yes. That already, they have a dedicated thing for that. He's turned. This guy. Well, I was thinking to myself, man, they've been dying for a chance to use this thing for a while. They're really excited about this moment, I think. They're running in there cleaning up all the dirty mags. No, no, it's ready. It's ready. It's ready. I didn't expect the hormones. The hormones stoked into visiting a lot.

You know, it's kind of in the name. We tell them 11 a.m. check out and the hormones they stay past and they leave stuff. Crazy. So he goes into the the hermit cell. This little cave to spend the night. There are a lot of monster eyes in the cell with them. Isn't the best because the animators don't understand that red eyes in cartoons belong to creatures. So they're just like what the skinny but it is.

Okay, there are lots of red eyes in these empty building. Just floating around in this small room, a smoke snake comes up to him and he goes, up, juror your faith. And I had to look up with the fuck of juror man. I didn't see what I was like. I feel like you just, objure it at that point, right?

Like, okay. Yeah, right. Cool. And now I know I'm friends with the, the smoke snake, right? See, I really wanted him to have like a really bad, petting argument with the snake about the meaning of a juror. It's like, well, actually technically only Catholic skin

of juror, that's like a, no, juror, a generalized meaning. A general definition is. Comes from the Catholic root. A lot of things come up. You can use non-rooted words with a stupid, just a jury of faith. Give it up.

Cultural appropriation, that doesn't make sense. So yeah, so he falls asleep on his rock. stupid, just to give it a cultural appropriation that doesn't make sense. So yeah, so he falls asleep on his rock, apparently, you have to sleep on a rock. And he dreams that he's at this market and everybody's trying to set like one guy's trying to sell him great music and the other guy's trying to sell him great books. But instead, he asks this guy about a really cool sword. And I get it. I'm a fucking doork. I get it. Yeah, he has a dream about, I think, a racist level of Zelda that I hadn't played before.

Like, I'm not even sure what racism was happening, but something was happening that was racist here, right? Yeah, there's a special, special kind of a sword selling, guys. Russian brand of racism, we're not tuned in to. So yeah, but he's like, yeah, I want that sword so that I can be a great conqueror. And I'm like, guys, I don't know if that's supposed to be like his personality flaw or if the Russian propaganda ministry is selling that real heroes want to be conquerors. I genuinely don't know.

I also genuinely didn't know. It's the former. It is the former, but we had to wait a while to figure that out. Really wanted the guy at the next stall to have a rocket launcher to be like, you sure you don't want this? I feel like this might be more important if you know what I mean. If you're going to conquer, yeah. But then as he's sleeping the garden,

I'm in the pig fucker come in and they're like, ah, we found his spiritual weakness. It's the fact that he's vain and he wants for personal glory. He's asleep this whole time. So they're just talking about this amongst themselves. I feel like they should have done that in the cave in Dagobah like Yoda should have come in and been like, hmm, a real piece of shit he is. I wanted to wake up and be like, you fucked pigs.

Didn't you just tell us that? What do you think? My weakness is my vanity. You fucked up. You made up a whole crazy light of fucking pig. And then you tried to tell us that. My weakness is my vanity. You fucked up. You made up a whole crazy light. A fucker pig. And then you tried to tell us another crazy story. So you wouldn't be the big fucking guy, but you still the big super juggie pig fucker. So the next day they all gathered to say they're goodbye. So literally nothing happened while they were

in Greece, except that we heard the pig fucking story. Yeah. And they're just like, yeah, thanks for all the great, um, whatever fuck this was. I could have been an email or whatever. As though the pig fucker realized this at the last minute, he's like, oh, you should probably give you an object or something. Here is a weird six armed cross. This I'm sure will be very important. It's so stupid how they use it.

It comes back, but in the dumbest, most useless way possible. Here's a cross and remember if anyone asks you about me, I'm the guy who gave you the cross. That's the thing you remember about me the most. He's a good old cross giving Larry. Just remember the cross giver. That's what I do. Fucker cross giving Larry got. Oh, damn it. I'm just going to say pick fucker. So now we cut to them arriving at Hogwarts. They're in Scotland now and they have to sneak in.

So they decide to like sneak into the back of this truck that's headed into Hogwarts. Now, luckily among the things they're delivering are a bunch of empty man-sized boxes. Exactly. Very helpful. They get in there and they're like, yeah, oh no, perfectly. I guess they're getting a delivery of large empty boxes. And also, one that's marked, it says scorpion busts on it. And Piotr's like, I'm going to get into the scorpion busts.

I'm going to do scorpion busts. That's something like a real one for me. There were empty ones that you could see that are open and they don't say scorpion or anything related to that. And you got into the scorpion bus. Scorpion bus. Really? You're already inside, okay?

So then we get the title card for part three, H-A, and can I, can I highly recommend walking around your home, just go and Hwam, Hwam. That's not how that would be. Hwam. I do that already. Okay. All right. Nobody really says anything.

Then the live action, well, yeah, right, because it's just you. So, so the live action kids ease us in back into the movie by asking if the next scene happens. It does. So we cut to the warehouse where they've loaded all of these boxes. I even get out of his box. Now he's got to go rescue peer to from his box, but along the way, he's going to do some hand over hand that would like the load runner guy would give him the side eye like come on. We've got better animation than this. He moves like he's at the edge of a side scroller that won't let him go sometimes.

Yeah. You know, so he's still walking, but not moving. Yeah. And then it lets him go a little bit. It's so bad. And so he finds Piotr in the scorpion box, but there's another box loaded on top. So he can't get him out. You know, what is he going to do?

Cut through the side of cardboard. Give me a fucking break. So he has to go find a fork lift. First he checks the roof to see if there's one there. Let's see if they have a fork lift on this glass dome just precariously. Yeah, no. And then he falls through the glass. He smashes through the roof, falls an entire floor down and is like, hello, yeah, I'm here for class. Well, my favorite thing about the animation right, because he like, he looks over the edge of this balcony, he's like, oh, there's no way down from here.

And he's supposed to fall because he looked too far, but the animation is so bad that it's like, it looks like he got depressed that there were no forklifts on the roof and then took his own life. He'd be out. Yeah. And so he falls through this skylight and he's just in the middle of a big gathering of students and he's like, uh, where is orientation? Right, pop my car.

What? Emission officer, admission officer. Meeting room. Be. Do you take the common application? I have one ready. And the best part is he introduces himself in the worst possible way, because he introduces himself with the name of a character who we already know is a bad guy.

Right. It's like if Carrie had crashed through the Hogwarts ceiling and been like, my name, Voldemort. No, that's not the name. Yeah, but he explains that he's shushal running from Siberia and he got there because he used magic to teleport, but he got the coordinates wrong and just ended up on top of the skylight apparently. So we cut to the head, Mistress's office, will they check it out that story?

There's a clown surfer, dude. Uh, yeah, Juggel O'Lino from under that. Really half-asseted on that last guy. And the professors are like, so you really think he teleported from Siberia into the area of sky right above our glass dome, above our secret layer. And Juggel O'Lino is like, yeah, that all checks out. I've heard of Siberian teleporters before that do that. Yeah. He specifically says science has is aware of a number of Siberian teleporters. Siberian apparition. Read a book. Assholes. And they're like, no, but seriously, we don't know a spell that would allow you to do that. How did you do that? He goes, I'm the student. You're the teacher. I'll ask the questions around here. They're like, no, but seriously, we don't know a spell that would allow you to do that. How did you do that? He goes, ah, I'm the student.

You're the teacher. I'll ask the questions around here. And they're like, fuck, he got us out of technical. That he Jason Bourn does. That doesn't make sense. He is rubber and we are glue. Damn it. And then we're like, oh, all right.

Well, if you're so good at that, why don't you conjure up another Siberian using your magic? And he's like, yeah, I can do that. I'll just need some magic supplies from your warehouse. Do you have any scorpion bus? I'm so curious what that means. Is it a bus of scorpions? Or is it like omnibus and scorpions as a portmanteau, which I still don't know what that means. I think it's Russian and it means like dried scorpions because they refer to it later as that.

It's scorpionibus or something. So maybe maybe it means the carcass or something. I don't know, but yeah. So they bring him to the warehouse and he's like, yeah, get that bus, somebody get that box of scorpion buses down for me. And he just goes, you know, Abraham, make a person here instead of scorpion buses and then me. And he just goes, you know, Abra Katabra, make a person

here instead of scorpion buses. And then he opens the box and computers there. And they're like, well, that is legit. I can't think of any way that they could otherwise have a human in a box. It's weird to ask propaganda to write whimsy, right? It's weird to ask that of this ministry of propaganda distribution to be like and make sure there's lots of jokes in this shrek you'll write about Jesus. All right. So the chapter titles are coming fast and furious. Now it's been six minutes since the last one.

Now we get part for the study begins. Again, the militarized summer camp leads us in with a prompt, right? This movie keeps going. Yes. And it's so fast. And then they just go back to it. So, yeah, so I've been in beauty or have infiltrated Hogwarts. The headmistress is explaining all the various houses.

Yeah. They can go. I wanted there's so bad to be like a fucking sorting ushanka or something. It gets so buck wild of all the things they don't understand about Harry Potter and like things that kids like about which is the houses are the most insane. She's like, yes, there are eight houses now. Nope. Eight.

13. We are three and one quarter times better than Harry Potter. I love the insane argument that happened in this universe that they didn't have to put in there. No, but this lady's like, yeah, no, we had four at the beginning, but everybody argued about like wood, fire, air, water, not plasma, scorpion, bus. It wasn't clear when I was 13. You'd like me to name some?

Oh, I can absolutely name some houses for you. There is bird house. That's the first door. The doctor from TV. Yup. The second one is Reverend Run's house. This vampire club.

And now so and then we're going to check in on their first class. This is the class on Averis and affluence Right, and can I just say like look, I know there's been a lot of stuff about the Harry Potter game But I think it's really not cool that they stole the character models for the goblins for this character or the professor Like the work really hard on the exactly stole the professor who teaches greed Yes work really hard on the exactly stole the professor who teaches greed. Yes.

Let's just say if they ever do a live version of kids versus wizards, I'm auditioning for professor greed. You know what I'm saying? So he explains that if you want to get rich, you have to want to be rich, super bad. And I'm like, I feel like there's, there's more to it than that. And then we come across, I think a language barrier, unless you guys understood what the fuck was going on. Oh, with this barma clots scene.

What? Barma clots? Sell me the word. Barma clot. You're not familiar with barma clot? No. Google thinks it's a bar and to bleasy. Sell me that.

Okay. Don't just just check out barmaclot.com and it'll tell you all about it. Oh, right, right. So yeah, so the professors like like, now as a test, I'm gonna see which of you can make more money on the word barmaclot. Mm-hmm. Sell me this pen of barmaclot.

Yeah, right. The most money now. And so like, Dork one is like, oh, I have an idea. We could park the website barmaclot.com and then maybe a rock band card called barmaclot would want it. And I'm like, okay, Eli. All right. Actually, in my notes, I was like, Eli already had this. You're not getting barmaclot.

There's no way Eli has literally not already registered this. Marmaclot.com. I literally I sat there. I paused the movie and I was like shit Dot rocks and I spent like three and a half hours making shazam dot rocks. I do really want to make barma clout dot com No, we got to keep doing movies that have a website in it just to make you like keep Stacking up. I'm like bankrupt it. Yeah until we break him. Yeah I feel eventually, just I'm like bankrupted yet. Until we break him, yeah, exactly. So, probably as I keep learning new tricks, my HTML keeps getting better.

And so I'm like, oh, look, we watched, go daddy the movie. I've already watched that movie. He's got a whole tab dedicated to it. Yeah. So, but then ultimately, I even wins this test by auctioning the word off. I have no idea what's supposed to be happening here.

I honestly, I feel like without knowing Russian, there was no way to fucking parse this scene. Yeah. Essentially, what I think is supposed to happen is the teacher's like, okay, whoever sells barma clot, the word for the most money gets 10 points for their house. So he just ran, he's like, hey, whoever gives me the most money, I'll give you five points of the 10 points I'm owed and everyone's like $80 billion. And he's like, well, it's the yeah. This balochack kid is like killing it. I love that right away he had a good strategy for this. Well, they counted on everybody having $80 billion spare dollars, but yeah, worked out well for them.

So then we cut to a Republican in his car learning that Nadia had gone to Hogwarts, and I'm like, a fucking course. She did the last time you saw her before she disappeared was her saying, like, hey, I really want to go to Hogwarts in Scotland, and I'm going to go with you like it or not. Yep. Fucking duh. It's the only other place in the movie. Well, there's no, yeah, there were, there's no bore fuckers anyway. Yeah. So meanwhile, I've been in a computer. Our, our wandered to class wishing that they had brought more than one outfit each for this thing. And they see Nadia and they waver over it. Now, of course, we're all

thinking, Oh, shit, because Nadia saw them meeting with her grandpa beforehand. She knows who they are and could betray her. They'll probably want to avoid her. But no, they waver over and say, hey, we're under cover with the Russian government. Don't tell anybody, okay? Big swear. Big swear. And in order to thinking, wow, what a foolish thing for them to do. This will obviously be their downfall. Nope. Don't worry about it. Nope So, and they ask her like, hey, you haven't seen any fucking Russian orphans around here since you've been here, have you?

And she starts explaining to us that like most of those Russian orphans are beyond saving. That's going to be a big theme that those guys have been too westernized now and can no longer be reintegrated into Russian society. She really first introduces that concept here. Nice. And then we back out of the animation so that the kids watching along can start poking holes in their own stupid fucking story. Yeah, one of the kids live action modes like, uh, hold on. Sorry, I have to grind this to a screeching halt. How did that girl even get to Scotland? Did she go through Kosovo and Serbian Greece? Or what?

And the fucking narrator's like, ah, magic. She's magic. Hypnotize. What? Everyone. I'm sorry, teacher, do you say she hypnotized everyone to get from Russia to, yep, that is magic. Those are the words I said. And there's an amazing moment where a kid Russia to? Yep, that is. Magic. Those are the words I said.

And then there's an amazing moment where a kid too is like, wow, that's pretty cool. I wish I was a wizard and could hip this as people into getting whatever I wanted. And kid three says, no, no, you don't because when you pirate a movie, you're really taking money from the key grip and the living technician. And so stupid. All right. So then we check in on probably my favorite character of the film, which is a fucking hard title to get in a movie with a bore fuck right?

My favorite, this is the professor of seduction who is a purple walrus with enormous polygonal boobs. This is where the movie was like you, this was the last test of our psyches. Whatever we were before Professor, Pupil Walrus with giant asymmetrical tits, we are not that after this scene. And what I look, we're going to describe this scene. This is our job. We're here for you, podcast listener. But what I need you to know is that this scene has Absolutely no effect on the rest of the movie. Nope like most of the scenes, but yeah I feel like some guy was animating a purple walrus was tits and his boss walked over before he could click away

And he was like what is that? He was like it is or The like away. He was like, what the fuck? He was like, it is. Is or the movie. All right. That actually makes a lot of sense. So yeah. So, but she is the professor of seduction and she's got all the girls in class there so she can tell them about how awesome the horror of Babylon was. Yep. She was apparently the proto sorceress of Hogwarts. She explains that it's not really, there's not really a patriarchy. The women just make it look like that, but secretly they're controlling everything with their demonic vaginas. That's right. And then there's this great moment where she's like, okay, so who does everybody

want a pattern their life after and girl one is like a Barbie doll and she's like, good answer. And nod, yeah, they get to nod you. And she's like, I want a pattern in my life after Empress Alexandra because she was faithful and loved her husband and she was demure. And the walrus is like, bad answer. You're stupid, that's a stupid answer. And you're in India.

So you fucking Russian? I bet you're Russian. Yeah. Yeah, this is again where she says, and this will be a theme. She's like, your Russianness is preventing you from learning magic. Yeah. Right.

You suck at magic because you have so much love for your country and for Jesus, and you can't do it that way. So, okay. So, Ivan and Pewter get back to their house. They find out they've won some fucking points for the house cup or whatever. It's written on their door. Yes.

This is like Harry Potter's seventh part removed. It's like, what would they do with points? They probably put it on little piece of this and then put it on door. I don't know. So, okay. So I've had wanders off. He's like, I have to go find Nadia. Maybe she's in this random fucking field that I'm going to lay down in.

Okay. Honestly, though, how worth it is just to watch this model quote unquote late. He does a standing back bend into the grass and his knees pop off and skin clip through each other. And he's like, uh, relaxation. It's like someone did an egg drop with a Marionette and he's like, yep, down, lying down. And then some random chick happens by and he goes, Hey, how you doing? And she's like, I'm plot relevant. You, he goes, oh, that's convenient.

She says, yeah, I'm one of the five Russian orphans. Let me expose it all the stuff we didn't bother to explain in the last like 50 minutes of the movie, while we randomly wandered around and assembled helicopters and talked to pig fuckers. Right. But he immediately tells her his real name and that he's undercover with the Russian government again. And that he's there to save her. And she's like, okay, well, you can save me, but all the other people are beyond saving. They're too westernized and they can't be reintegrated into Russian society.

Right. And he's like, well, I'll see about that. And they are, by the way, he will ultimately find that they are. This is also where they introduced the polygon. He's like, so far I've managed to stay out of the polygon and I'm like, oh, you mean the Wallace ladies boobs? Or, but no, that's the prison where they introduced the polygon. He's like, you know, so far I've managed to stay out of the polygon and I'm like, oh, you mean the wall-risk ladies boobs or, uh, but no, that's the prison where they keep

unkillable Russians who are still immune to their magic powers. Yeah. Don't worry. It will be very disappointing. Yeah. Uh-huh. That it won't mean. This is a Russian propaganda movie just one more time.

The Russian government, their official stance is that Russian people are magic proof. That's, that's what they want us to know. If they're sufficiently patriotic, yes. Yeah, obviously. They gotta be, they gotta be patriotic. But yeah, obviously. So and she's like, oh, and by the way, just in case it's, it's, it's important later in the movie, the professor of greed from earlier, the Schmergey, the funny one from New York. Yeah. He likes bonsai trees a lot.

And he's like, oh, I bet that's going to matter. She's like, why would you think, given what you know of this movie at this point, why would you think that it would matter? Also, the way she describes bonsai trees is, it's like a roast. It's the most despair. She's like, they're little deformed trees that smell stupid and can't get in the right. Can you imagine a three-briiled for its tanniness? This is Western foolishness.

Yeah, right. The trees that control the banking system. I feel like ice skating guy also has a thing against bonsai trees. He was like, you need to mention how good we are at skating. And I want it said once and for all that bonsai trees are tiny and weird, they freak me out. I just want some of the men's. Also the 19 AD hockey Olympics never happened. That was not a thing that happened in the news. Nope, not at all. All right. Well, say what this movie has resorted to random characters just showing up in fields to expose it at the main character.

So I feel like it needs a minute to collect itself. We're gonna give that to it. But first, I'm gonna give Act 3 the hard self. Will any character manage to blink at any point? Will my nightmares forever be rendered in this movie's art style now? Why the fuck did they include that line about the pig trying to seduce the Greek dude? It makes no sense.

Find out the answers to some damn thing, I guess, when we return for the arduous conclusion of kids versus wizards. And remember, Timmy, as long as you believe in Ardu Jesus, the sorcerers can do you no harm. Thank you, Padre. Now, let the fast of orthococcus begin. Sorry, what? Yes, we fast for 70 days and 70 nights for orthococcuses of return to Crete.

Oh, cool, I hadn't heard of that. Ah, no, it is a tradition of the Eastern Orthodox long kept but held back by the devil himself. Devil, obviously, yes. Change into your sack cloth and prepare yourself for a good scourge. You are merely an acolyte. Scourge, okay. Sorry, Patrick, is there any chance that there is a practice of the Eastern Orthodox church that's a little bit more modern?

Oh, you mean like wiping with your other hand? I do not mean that, no, no. Well then, I have nothing for you. This is a weird cult that exists. And we have nukes, don't love that. Pfft. Ha ha ha. Pfft. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to reopen with the title

card for part five, soul release lesson, which will open with Ivan and Pewter stopping on the way to class to assure us that the plot is still happening. They're going to try to try to get things sorted out by the end of that night. Mm hmm. It's also where we learned that the Hogwarts School has both video cameras and roaming guards in military uniform with machine guns. Yeah. Uh-huh.

And we're about to meet Professor Mick Nagini, who teaches practical room flying. Yes. Apparently they also have impractical room flying. What a postmodern room flying. Yes. Apparently they also have impractical room flying. What a postmodern room flying. Theoretically we're exactly. But before we get to that, so we have this scene where the Ivan and Pewter are in the hallway and Ivan is talking to no one, but he's like pointing out the other Russian orphans.

And I only highlight this because this is like the third time in the movie where somebody like derogatoryly refers to someone else as Russian speaking. Yes, I googled it by the way. Oh, yeah, it's like a rhino like rye love. Yeah, yeah, it's like Russian in language only. Yeah, right. It's like a big thing. Right. It's very clearly meant as a slur. But yeah, so but then we go on to broom writing class. The teacher explains to us that the key here is that souls are super duper heavy, and they prevent people from flying around. So you have to get rid of your soul, and then you can fly on brunes. Right. And you can get rid of your skull by specifically hating Russia and God. Yes, exactly.

And she demonstrates. She's like, well, I just watch, watch, watch. So I'll just be like, God is dead. God is dead. Ukrainian should be exterminating. I'm flying. I'm flying now. Great.

So yeah, no, and I will tell you, if souls were real and Christians were right about them, I'd give mine up if that man I could fly. So like, that's good. That's the one time that they really nailed it. If giving away your soul gets you anything ever that's even remotely positive, yeah, best deal. Sure. Great.

But to fly though, she explains you have to be free from compassion, affection, a sense of duty, and love. You have to have none of those things. And not just like, I don't get it. How do I empty out my soul? And she says, okay, first, hate your mother country, go. Ha ha ha ha ha. Check.

Yeah, no, she even says an essay for a group flying class called Why I Hate My Motherland. Yes, I wrote it as a joke. I wrote everyone writing essay about why I hate Russia. And then I wrote, oh my God, I was joking. You're literally what's in the movie. Yeah. Movie please allow me to exaggerate for once.

Yeah, this is actually kind of a cool revelation. The way to learn flying is mostly McCarthyism. And I was like, okay, movie. Interesting. And then she's like, oh, I know that might be tricky for all of you, but we have a special guest. He hates Russia. He's gonna show you how it's done.

Yes. No, so okay. And this is I think really where you recognize why they needed distinctive mustaches for all the adults, because I could not tell that this was not Pewter, right? This was a different character. This was supposed to be one of the Russian orphans, which is like, yeah, we have a special guest who's an expert in hating Russia. He's not Pewter.

He looks exactly like him in every possible way, but he's a different guy. What if we make like a jug-a-low line? Oh, shit, we already use that. How many different looks are there? This kid have a mustache. I can't have a mustache. Did we do a purple hippo with tits? So beautiful hippo with tits. All right. All right. Well, in that case, so yeah, so he comes up and he's like, Russia is a stupid country for stupid people. And I hate it. But Nadia isn't having all this. She stands up to defend Russia against all this Russia bashing. Okay. This random girl from Russia is clearly a spy. Why isn't Hogwarts like your Russian spy? Just we kick you out now.

Well, but that's the stupid thing about the movie is that she's not a spy. She's the one that isn't a fucking spy. And she agreed with Leonard to go learn magic knowing that the first prerequisite was hating Russia. Yep. He did tell her about that. I remember. Yeah. So, but Nadia loves her country and her mommy. She mentions that. This is Maria Bettina's origin story and it's pretty fun. Just flying around that pancake breakfast on a broom. But so, and the teacher at this point tells the guest, the other Russian, Hayten Orfinkin. She's like, sees her, but they're not good enough at animating to have one character grab hold of another character. So her his hands are just sort of like

floating around and through her body for the rest of it. It's literally like watching someone try to make two marionettes fight. Like it. See him. Well, be proximate to him. There you go. Get close, but don't clip through. Yeah, we clip through. So, but so Piotr, he's, he's heard enough to, he's in this class as well. So he gets up and he broom foos all the motherfuckers who are talking shit about his homeland. Yeah. And then Nadia and Piotr run off. I like that the brooms are also for like joust dueling. Like it's very good, like a weapon for that. But the animators, they made them like broom ball sticks,

not brooms, like they didn't have bristle money in the animation. Right, right, right. Did not know. That's tough. So yeah, so they run off heroically, they get nine steps in and there's like eight guards with machine guns and they're like, well, shit

So weird thing to have it a wizard school damn So then we cut to the two of them and their little jail beds and not just like, hey for what it's worth I thought it was kind of kind of hot when you started smacking people around with that broom and Peoters like yeah, yeah, no, I know it was pretty cool cool but now we're in jail and for no fucking reason a character we have never met before and will never meet again clipped to the wall and is like it's not a jail it's for correction it's a career is not a prison it's a correction of facility not a doll it's an action figure and nothing else to do with this movie. Just bad pedantry. I feel like Russian like accidentally just started apologizing for a hate crime because they're the ministry of propaganda.

They were like, I know it's not a jail. Oh, oh, no, that was us. Okay, you know, it is a lot to be sure. Sorry, I just old reflex, you know. They know right, yeah, exactly. Those babies were born with bullets in their skulls. Like it's just a six. It's his old past.

So triple nuts. And then, and then we bumble our way into part six, the advent day of the great master. We're reminded real quick that this is this kids are being told the story by their commanding officer. And they're fucking loving it, really enjoying it, doing really good so far. And they lay so, so did Ivan figure out they were in prison. He's like, yeah, and Ivan came up with a plan. And then we go back into the cartoon. Now, his plan starts with going to Professor Funny Guy from New York and saying they want

extra credit in greed class. Then they make some Russian hominem jokes about bonsai trees, which really didn't, really didn't land with the American audiences. This is the craziest sequence. He's like, could I buy this bonsai tree? Yes. Everything is for sale. Nice. Yeah. And then he drops the bonsai tree, but it turns out that in that pot hidden beneath the bonsai tree was a priceless FabriJ egg stolen from the Nazis during World War II. Hey Noah. What the fuck is happening?

No, man. Like I know what you just said is true, but why? That all happened. I feel like this was another propaganda moment where they're like also, by the way, FabriJ eggs, peak of art in human history. Yes, they are Wink ding okay back to the movie. Yeah, right right yeah Well, and let's not lose track of the fact that this was his plan Right this whole scene started with like but Ivan came up with his plan

His plan was to break open a bonsai trees pot and hope there was a Fabrige egg in it that he could take hostage Shit just dirt. Wait, yeah, exactly. I'll shoot this dirt right now. What are you talking about? So he's like, I'll destroy this egg unless you take me to the polygons so I can save my friends. And he's like, I guess that's the plot now.

Sure. Fuck. Why not? So meanwhile, we cut to this is, we're going to find out later, NATO headquarters. Sure is where they're, where they're conspiring with the headmaster of hog warts to make sure the Russians can't sneak in and get their orbit. Oh, yeah, this is tomato for sure. Yeah, they have a big end.

It's not, they call it NATO later. Yeah, they actually called NATO. Okay, because they have a big end. It's not they call it NATO later. Yeah, they actually call it NATO. Okay, because they have a big end to be like, yes, probably NATO and two identical world maps on either side of the the war room to like double check world stuff. We're whichever way you're facing, you know where Africa is in relation to this room. So Ivan gets to the polygon, I guess. He finds Nadia, but Pewter's missing as is Asya. Now Asya is the girl that showed up in the field earlier, the only one of the orphans

that they have deemed redeemable. Yeah. Okay. Sorry. I just want to mention the depiction of American military guy at Shmeito. Oh nice. Uh huh. Fucking per, it's just all chin.

His entire face is a chin. Yep. Just a jawline. And otherwise he's gile from Street Fighter II. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. We're the little, little trimmed a little closer, but other than that, yeah. So Naja

Ivan and the professor, Jew are in the prison when suddenly a person fishmuppet in a sweater vest shows up. This is our Coddy. Our Coddy is another one of the Russian orphans that is the one of the irredeemable ones. Yeah, I wrote my notes. Did they find this model somewhere? It was like, ooh, guys, it was in the background's folder. I found it in the model. Yeah. Yeah.

And they're like, Hey, Arkady, would you like to come back to Russia? We're going to, we're saving Russian orphanage. And he's like, yeah, totally not going to betray you. You sure are pretty fucking awesome, though. You person whose weakness was established earlier to be his vanity and they're like, he's like, yeah, I am pretty awesome. Sorry. Did you say you're not going to betray us? Did you just say that out? Right? Sure did. Okay. And then professor greed is like, aha, he's being vain and prideful.

Now my magic will work on him. Hanakakah. Yeah, he's just the managing words. And turns Ivan to stone. But when he does, Nadia grabs ahold of the egg and she's like, okay, well now I'm gonna break your fucking egg unless you help us. And he's like, right, fuck. Ah, shit. Technicality.

Hey, any chance you're full of pride. Did I mention that you're doing no? Oh fuck. But here's the thing though, is that like, yeah, she's immune to magic, but they can still punch her. And the guy standing right next to her. You could like grab the egg or something. I don't know. Well, we're gonna learn how physical combat

works in a second. I don't know. You could just punch her. That's a lot harder than you make it out to be. You're right. I forgot about my own best worst. What was I thinking? But yeah, but then fucking statue Ivan remembers something that the pig fucker taught him.

Seriously off camera. We get the Yoda moment. Yeah. Pigfucker Yoda shows up, you know, metaphysically to remind Ivan who is now petrified by a magic spell that like, hey, if you think positive thoughts, you can block the evil magic. And it works. The fucking secret makes his way back in even through Russian propaganda. I was just like Putin shirtless on a horse, Putin shirtless on a horse.

And I'm not stoned anymore. I did it. He uses his happy thoughts to reverse the free spell, yeah, exactly. And then he's like, ha ha, your sorcery is no match for my orthodox Christianity. And we get like, drat spoiled again moment, right? Yeah, and they just leave.

They're like, well, we did everything we could. Yeah. We the evils have been defeated. Yep. So, but then we cut from there over to Piotr and Asia in some kind of fucking Turkish Huka den or something. Yeah, they're gonna escape the Nazi warlocks, but they were just like, you know, let's have a Huka and a chat before we go, because that's a nice Huka right here.

Well, yeah, so these two are still being imprisoned by the bad guys. These are the two that they still have to rescue. And Ossia is explaining to Piotr at this point. There's a hookah in the cell. Yeah. Well, they're being held in a room that has a hookah in it. Yeah. What is so badly for one of the bad wizards coming. Sorry, I left my hookah in here. Oh, is this not on the other? You guys, I was about to ask you for a Samovar of tea or coffee. No, I mean, you guys didn't smoke any of this, did you? Because it's actually opium. I don't know.

Get to the wall. So, okay. But, so, but Asia explains that they're going to be the sacrifices for the big fucking meeting tonight between all the wizards where they, you know, whatever sanctify the anti-Christ. And then we cut to a different war room. There are two relevant war rooms in the third act of this movie. This one is Russian, right? And I wrote my notes at this point, oh, I get a dollar because yes, it turned out that other war room was NATO, but I have to give back the dollar because I thought

they would be coy about that, right? This is where they just straight up say, oh, it's NATO. The other one was NATO with Atlantic Treaty organization. Those bastards over in Germany. Yeah. So, but they explain that like, uh there anything that we can do? And he says, all we can do is pray. And also since submarines, we're gonna... Yes! That is exactly the delivery, by the way. It is literally all we can do is pray. And we have nuclear submarines.

Also, yes, there's some other. There's some other. So, all right. But the one thing, of course, that NATO forgot about when they made their blockade was Victor, which I can't really blame. I also had forgotten about this character. And so did you podcast with her. He's the guy who went and got the full split helicopters with the kids earlier in the

movie. So, yeah, Russian hero of the Balkan war. So, if you remember, that's it. Yeah, exactly. He's the one who merely witnessed war crimes did not perpetrate them. Right. So we get him sneaking past the blockade, getting into Hogwarts. It's a fucking amazing, right?

His, his like early metal gear mission that he goes through here. He eventually gets to the server room and he's like, aha, and he throws a rod through one of the servers, which takes out everything takes out Nate all the castle. It explodes the castle. The North Atlantic treaty organization is no more because it's this little server with a database on it. Well, even get a guy later going, they took out all 10 levels of our security and he's like, yeah, they sure did. Man, one fucking rod.

Just I guess it went all the way through. I told you guys, we should do 11. Yeah, we kept it all on one shelving unit. That's on this redundance. See, that's basic. Yes. So meanwhile, we get Ivan and Nadia. They're sleuthin' around somewhere else, looking through some computer stuff, which I feel like they shouldn't be able to do now, because that was

a very important server. But they found files on all the various orphans, and they even found a file on him listing his weakness as Vanity. And was that an email from Satan? Because that was who knew his weakness earlier. But just then, some of the soldiers from the Hogwarts Army find them and they get the drop on them But then we get my best worst we get the greatest Seven seconds in the history of animation

Because Victor shows up behind them and does a quick Punchy kicky thing and they just fall down in ways that don't match up with the punch She kicky thing and they just fall down in ways that don't match up with the punch. He does. He does a kick punch knee headbutt to also other moves too. He's got this great big smile on his face the whole time. You remember when you were a kid and you would do the like running, punching, kicking, all at the same time? This, he, something, I guess that's a Samba move and it's all the moves it wants and he just kills him. So

easy. I guess it's like the guy who is animating the legs and the guy who is animating the arms and the guy who is animating the face weren't allowed to talk to me. I'm attacking. No, I'm attacking. I was my punch kick. I get the right in the ass. It's so fun.

I did spinning my old driver. I did. So I got to much somebody give this for me and send it to me. It's so good. got it right in the ass. I did spinning wild driver. I have a bit so goddamn much. Somebody give this for me and send it to me. It's so good. Anyway, so they've given up on all the orphans, but but Aussie at this point, they tell Victor, yeah, the Aussie is the only one worth saving. And he's like, oh wow. So three of the four Russians that were extracting weren't here when this fucking mission started,

right? So we're really goddamn useless on. They're pretty close to useless, yeah. So then we cut to the opening speech of the World Wizard Congress where they're gonna first introduce the Antichrist, right? Okay, so the plan is they're gonna become extra evil magical warlocks because of the Antichrist neo nazi guy well

So the antichrist is going to be able to take down the protection that has captured Russia from being able to from succumbing to their magic This whole time. Oh Antichrist has like a disenchant spell. Oh clearly because he's Slavic apparently he can undo with his hatred of Russia He can undo their love of right item, but that's that's what they imply So they're like first order of business. Yes, the antichrist is here. Yes, he can undo their love of right item. But that's, that's what they imply. So they're like, first order of business, yes, the anti-Christ is here. Yes, he's Slavic. Second, those fucking Russians and their fucking magic proof love of God in country. Am I right?

We got to do something about this. So the head wizard explains that in 30 minutes, they're going to start their wizard invasion of Russia. They're going to go fool on on this shit, right? Yeah. Also, he does like a, here he is, the guy you've all been waiting for, the anti-cry. Yeah.

And he's like, I'm gonna start a landlord in Asia. I think that's a good idea, right? Yeah, but we never, yeah, we never actually even meet the fucking anti-Christ. What's amazing is the characters run in the room and they are confused. They're like, well, that guy just very clearly introduced an antichrist. Little girl sitting on a throne. Are you the antichrist? That she's like, no, I'm not. No, well, what was that guy saying? And he's like, I don't know, man. Antichrist is going to take a shit right before. Yeah, must have been. They couldn't animate. They're like, look, we brought out a mustache.

There's nothing we can do, guys. We tried the purple hippo at a mustache and our computers couldn't take it. We had some personal photos on there as well. We only have three gigs of memory to animate this entire movie. So yeah, so now they're gonna, before they introduce the antichrist,

they're gonna bring out Piotr and Asya to sacrifice them and drink their blood. Elia, who is another of the Trader Russian orphans is gonna do the sacrifice. So they lay Asya on the table and they're like, all right, so now just somebody just needs to pull this rope and that'll release the guillotine and her head

will come off Piotr, would you like to give it a go? And he's like, no, I'm the other, personally, like literally everybody but me in this room would do that. But no, obviously not. Well, don't worry, it's not scary. This is literally what she says. She says, do it. It's not scary. Yep. And Piotr has to be like, no, that wasn't the reason I wasn't cutting off my friends.

Do you think it was because I thought it was gonna be spooky? It was the spookyness is what was turning me off? I also love over and over again. Asya does, like keeps leaning up to make a point, but then doodifully laying her head back under the guillotine when she's made her point. Asya has an amazing life. They're arguing about whether or not he should cut off her head

and Asya sort of gets up on an elbow and goes, I really understand how you guys are white mages. Yeah, right. So but then I even slowly ambles in. Piotr slowly throws the guy behind it. This is supposed to be happening quickly, but animation, the animation in this movie really doesn't have that going for it. We get a bit more amazing punchy kicky and just then the fire alarm goes off. So now Victor's not with him at this point. Victor sent them off on their own. He's like, Hey, you go find your friends.

I'll work out a way for us to escape. So and they gave him a radio. So clearly, Victor's plan was you walk into a room full of earth's mightiest and evilest wizards and I'll pull the fire alarm like I'm trying to cut shop clacks. Don't worry, I'll be outside firing a machine gun. We can only assume into a crowd of. Yeah, work criminal children. They are.

So, but yeah, he's managed to secure them a helicopter somehow and he's holding off unseen bad guys with a machine gun. Meanwhile back at NATO, they don't like to look at this at all. They've set fire to hog words and everything. Can I talk about the expression that NATO uses when they say things have gone wrong? So the I assume American tells the I assume South Korean, it's hard to tell. It's racist and badly animated, but the American goes, I can see it's not golf lobster. Yes, that is a translation.

And I want to throw out there. I will be calling all things from now on, not golf lobsters. So, so I believe the character's name was supposed to be lobster like that was his nickname. And he was like, well, I can see it's not golf. Yeah, he was talking to lobster. Yeah. I still have no idea when any of the words mean, but it was addressing somebody named lobster. You make it better.

But yes. So damn, I was really hoping people would buy our not golf lobster t-shirts. We can still make the not golf lobster t-shirts. We'll talk about that off the air. Or the one that's the, it's a little lobster and he's golfing. That's actually original IP now, if you think about it. Yeah. Yeah, right.

And he's golfing and he's like golf lobster, two thumbs up. So not. Yeah. But this a bit NATO explains how there are 10 levels of security at all, you know, gotten a rod thrown through them. Then we cut to the good guys escaping through a tunnel of green slime for some reason. Yep. Right. That was the other background they had. Nadia sure has learned the error of her

ways. It will not be trying to be a wizard anymore. Guys, the double dare hallway. Let's get out there. Perfect. Yeah. Okay. And then we wrap up on part seven, God's help. And we're gonna start that part off back in Greece with the garden gnome and the pig fucker starting a very quick prayer service. Oh, Oinkie, I love that. Ah, what?

No, you need to pray for the teenagers, yeah, okay? Okay, so good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What were you saying? Nothing, nothing. So, okay, so meanwhile at Hogwarts, all the baddies have caught up with all the good guys. And Professor Greed, to his credit, gives him a chance.

He's like, hey, if you guys still want to just be wizard students, we will overlook the fact that you set our facilities on fire and try to kill all of us, which is excessively generous in my mind. I was going to say better than certain members of this podcast. We're offered in their high school experience. So, but they're like, no, we don't want to be your students anymore. And they start praying. And they're, they all started a different, it sounds like a bad attempt at row, row, row

your boat. They're all doing different prayers slightly. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The bad guys offer them like, okay, surrender or I guess if you don't want to do that, you can die. And Ivan looks around. Well, I mean, he's like, what do surrender or I guess if you don't want to do that, you can die. And Ivan looks surrounded. I mean, he's like, what do you guys think?

Die for a lie? Yeah. Oh, 100% die. Yeah. We're Russians. But just then, Ivan remembers that he has a weird six pointed cross in his pocket. And it's almost too late for that to matter to the movie. So he pulls it out.

We realize once again, that hand holding object is way beyond their animation skill set here. But the cross glows so brightly that now Victor can tell where they are so he can land his helicopter there. Okay. The magical thing is just a flashlight.

Yes. It ends up just being a flashlight. Yeah. And not only is it just a flashlight. Yes. It ends up just being a flashlight. Yeah. And not only is it just a flashlight, but Ivan has a radio. He was communicating with Victor on a radio earlier that he still has. So he could also say, Hey, we're at the Northwest corner of the campus. So it's less useless than a flashlight. Exactly. I wanted to pull out the magical cross that he got from the gnome guy and be like, okay, well, I used the radio. So I guess the flashlight thing doesn't matter.

I will use this as a big magical weapon and then he throws it at him and it's just like, ow. I'm gonna sharpen the edge. Should I have six arms? Yeah, six arms. Just good. John the Baptist. So Victor very slowly,

a lenses helicopter very slowly sets up to shoot the baddies. The kids very slowly duck to give him line. He just straight up shoots the due wizards, which I got it. I mean, I, I can, I don't know why I was surprised at this point, but he was just like, oh, all right. I guess we're just murdering the bad guys with guns. Well, so, okay, so he murdered several of the bad guys, but he doesn't quite get Professor Greed.

And I only point that out because of another T-shirt possibility, as they're flying away, Professor Greed looks up at the helicopter and he yells after him, they will meet you and feed you lead pies. Thank you. What? I also thought I was having a stroke. So I couldn't help myself here.

I tried to sort of sound out what he's saying. I think they're going to catch you and you'll eat lead, but whoever. Wait, yes. Like translated this was like feed you lead pies, nailed it. This is crazy. Close enough. It's not golf lobster. That's my go to condemnation now. So, okay, so they're escaping by helicopter,

but damn, if NATO isn't there, about to fire a barrage of missiles at them. And not just like, hey, we should pray to God for help. He really hasn't done a goddamn thing yet. I feel like he thinks that flashlight is gonna be enough, and I don't think it is. So, nod your praise. And just then, a couple of Russian submarines pop up right next to the boat

that's about to fire the missiles. So God sent submarine. Right also I just have to point out that submarines popping out of the water not the trumpet moment that this movie is hoping for because they just sort of like bull and we're supposed to be like, oh, the Russian subs are here, but instead they just, nothing happens. Well, right, yeah, apparently we're supposed to be thinking that the people on the boat were like, oh, they're, they're a woken, wait until they're not looking. Russian, Russian subs are based on movement. Russian Russian thumbs are based on movement. But then and then we slowly back away from the burning wreckage of Hogwarts long enough to see the skulls of all the naughty wizard children that were massacred by our heroes. And in the background

we can hear their screams. Yep. and it's like the happy A, the thickest. That's the good walk outside. Yeah, my God, it's burning. That is the last shot of the cartoon part of this movie ends with the smoldering corpses of their enemies. It's their swarm of shot. So, okay, so then we cut back to like Hitler youth or whatever to wrap things up in the live action part of the story and we get this like, you know, wow, what a great story

moment that the film can pat itself on the back with, right? Mm-hmm. I have to point out this tiny moment that one of the kids is like, well, whatever happened to that bad wizard from the beginning. And in this children's movie, the narrator is like, well, whatever happened to that bad wizard from the beginning. And in this children's movie, the narrator's like, oh, well, he was trying to kill himself, but he got eaten by ghouls before he could do it. And they're like, great, no further question.

Yes, that's actually what they say. Because I thought they were setting up a sequel, right? They're like, but did Leonard get away? And I'm like, oh, does he reappear in some sort of sequel? And the guy telling the story is like, no, they actually blamed him for the whole thing. He tried to kill himself, but the wizards captured him and fed him slowly to ghouls for failing his mission.

And the kids are like, yay! I scream! But nobody ever found out what happened to the wizards that escaped that didn't die in the fire, right? So there still could be a sequel. And the kids are like, okay, but this is just a story, right? And he's like, maybe not and he pulls out the watch that they gave Ivan that he could tap three times and it would get the one that never came in that they gave Ivan that he could tap three times and it would get the one that never came in and mattered in the middle of the butt watch. If I am not the person who intervened in that wizard school and stopped them from human

sacrificing people using my love of Russian magic, how do I have a watch exactly scientific proof? And the kids are all like, well, that's true. How would he have a watch? There's no such thing as watches without that. So it'd be nonsense. But then he explains that the guy that showed up in the helicopter at the very beginning of the movie, that was Ivan. And he, the guy telling the story, it's a filter and has been all along. And then he's like, and the reason I'm telling you

all of this is because the wizards are rising again and now you will need to infiltrate them. So apparently they thought they might have live action sequel money coming. Yeah. And then he's like, and in case it wasn't super duper clear, let me summarize the moral of the story so Noah can't use that bit at the end. I know we got a little lost in the weed with the nor with the nurse and the nun with the war crimes and that guy who obviously fucked the board. So can we just do like a quick quick run around the bush everyone say, okay, we love God, we love Russia, right? We love God, we love it. Okay, go, go, go. There you go. Oh, and then we also have to think there's a quick credit at the end that's just

translated by mad turn up. Thank you, mad turn up. Turn up. Thank you for bringing us this. You are in my will now, mad turn MVP. All right. So obviously this needs a little help breaking into the American market. It's the greatest thing that ever happened. We want more. So any suggestions for a good tagline? Yes. How about kids versus wizards, a terrifying peak into the minds of the world's second largest nuclear power. Yeah. Kids versus wizards, a terrifying peak into the minds of the world's second largest nuclear power. Yeah.

Kids versus wizards, critical grace theory. Oh, nice. Well done. All right. So I guess that's going to do a part review of kids versus wizards, but it's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to lure you and dust back in for next time. So Eli, tell us what's on deck.

Just when you thought our delves into the world of pseudoscience couldn't get any dumber We'll be watching a documentary About the danger of root canals. What? Next week we will be viewing root cause oh god damn it. All right, so with that look forward to we're gonna be episode 393 to a merciful close Once again a huge thanks to all the Patreon owners that helped make the show go. If you'd like to get yourself among their ranks,

you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com.com. So I got off on there by earning an access to an extended ad free version of our episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the channel on your various social media platforms. If you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our siblings,

shows to the skating a dietician, D&D, minus and the schedule crowd available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or suggestions, you can get me my God off on movies.gmail.com. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media, our theme song was written in from home by Ryan Sloth, and he was on Mars, all the other music was written in from home by our audience and our Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check in life this week. For Heathen,

right now, I'm Austin Alistair, I'm an Olesian's Promised Door Carder, and I'm on the track next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. That Faberjay egg that started World War I remains lodged in a butthole somewhere. All of those cadets went on to die in Ukraine. The incompetent people who made this movie fold your grandmine to voting for Donald Trump. They did, though. Oh, geez. did though, oh my jeez. And I didn't hear you heath, but I'm assuming you. Which is actually nice, because you've been on a bit more of a delay than Eli has for

me. So if you guys are dead on, that's funny. If Heath was in the other room getting a car, Mom, we thought we were just going here. You are there, you ready? Already got a car, Mom. Okay. That's the important part. The preceding podcast was production of Puzzle and a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2023 all rights reserved.