God Awful Movies - 398: Life Changes Everything: Meet Zac Ryan

Episode Date: April 4, 2023

This week, Anna Bosnick joins us for an atheist review of Life Changes Everything: Meet Zac Ryan, the story of a big fight in the writer's room about what they were gonna call the movie, followed by a really half-ass compromise. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Shhh, so, and then, but then, this is so amazing. She goes, as though it couldn't get worse. Yeah, right. She goes, no, I get it. Obviously, you're a big shot doctor, which is why you're buying into the big pharma lie that you can't cure cancer with herbs and bullshit and vaginal lasers or whatever. Greed! Greed!

Zach, have you considered that medical science is all bullshit? Vaginal lasers or whatever. Greed! Duh! Greed! Duh! Zach, have you considered that medical science is all bullshit? Ha-ha-ha! Not awful! Movie! Movie! Movie! Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be a bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli, how are you this fun afternoon sir? What I would never train the leaked Lama model on our scathing scripts

so that I have something to do when you die. What crazy? Your paranoid noise. Your paranoid must be me. And also joining us today from the very same 900 miles to my northeast is my incredibly talented friend Anna Bosnick Anna. Welcome back. What up, What up? I am sick as shit right now.

It's going to be so good. Wait, it's going to be great. Is that because of a virus or because of this movie? Oh, a little bit of both, you know, a little bit of kind of kind of coincided when I had to watch it. But, you know, I have a baby in the house. So one of those little disease vectors. Yep. You always have something. Yeah. Can we just mention this is a time travel record. You remember the first episodes where my microphone was pointed at my desk and I ate through most of the record? We're doing a little flashback Friday because Anna's recording from her

phone while our baby naps with a half hour break to just wait for him to wake up. And then you know, my computer's being run by steam this morning for some reason. It's a real throwback. Yeah, it's, you know, it's a little thrown together, a little ram shackle, if you will, a little macaigard. I've got a, I'm being serenaded right now by a, by going to sleep baby, hopefully, hopefully going to sleep. And hey, if you hear that in your podcast, we're sorry. It's too. There's nothing we know what I'm not sorry Max has a beautiful singing voice. Exactly. You're lucky. This is a bonus.

So tell us Anna. What will we be breaking down today? Uh, we watched life changes Uh, we watched life changes everything. Colin. And can I just say it kind of does. No, it does. It does. Death is way different. Yeah. And this podcast is evidence of all the things that life changes.

But so now I should point out though in case you have trouble finding this movie that it also goes by the alternate title, life changes everything. Colin meet Zach Ryan. As though they had a fight in the God damn writers room. And this was the compromise, right? Oh, Zach Ryan, would we could all be Zach or I am and Eli? How bad was this movie? Well, if you love the signs that march for life, but you hate follow-up questions,

you can go alone this movie. The only way to make a worse movie is for someone to make a movie based on easy, breezy, beautiful cover girl. I think that would be better. There would be a lot better hair, more majestic hair in that one. Yeah. All right. So tiny bit of a spoiler, more of a teaser than a spoiler, but I just I want to say to the audience in advance, stick around, stay with us here. This movie has the best final 45 seconds of any movie we've ever watched. Yeah. Absolutely. He lies. Am I

right in that? Certainly the most fuck you last 45 seconds you've ever watched. Yeah, certainly I wanted to flip a table probably more than I've ever wanted to in my entire life, but I was laughing while I did it. So right, right. And keep in mind folks that we have watched multiple movies where it turned out it was all a dream. So I was going to say, yeah, it was all a dream movies. Look at this plot and go like, come on.

That's my dumb stupid. I wish it was all a dream. All right. So is there anything you guys want to know? Any this one for being the best at being the worst at? Oh, yeah. Best worst random horses. Yeah.

And I don't even talk that much about horses in my notes. I know it says, but there are a lot of fucking horses in this movie, just like B roll of a nice horse running through a field. Yeah. Acceleration is horses, right? Because like, sure, at first they're like in a stall. By the end of the movie, they're eating at the diner behind the characters in the conversation. And like multiple characters have horses for no fucking reason. One of them apparently inherited horses. This movie mostly takes place in the hospital and there are a lot of horses. Okay.

Good point. All right, so I was gonna go with best worst show. Don't tell, then tell. Then tell you. Absolutely. Absolutely. As though they're holding grandma's hand over and over and again this movie will see a scene where like, you know, this thing obviously just happens

and then a character will walk in and say, huh, that thing obviously just happened. Also, butterscotch is our delicious and an excellent dessert place. And I'm going to take the easy one. I'm going to go with best worst science. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's not a lot. It's just pretty much one scene. But at one point, this movie is asked what the cure for cancer is. And I have talked my way out of DUI's naked with a light bulb, but my ass more accurately and with more proficiency than this movie does cancer cure. We'll get to it.

Oh, and then there's the scene where he has to try to sell the rest of the medical establishment on his cancer cure using the command method. It's just amazing. The way they think science works. Oh, it's just, it's,'s oh absolutely. Well, I don't know about you, but I need a minute to come to grips with how meta it is to thoroughly regret watching a movie about regret. So we're going to take a quick break. But we'll be back in a hurry with all the incarnated regret that is life changes everything. Meet Zach Ryan.

Life changes everything. Meet Zach Ryan. Hey podcast listener. If you got a chance to listen to last week's episode, you know that we were overjoyed to be sponsored at the Seattle live show by Friends of the Show, Sparkle Donkey, Tequila. Well, we're pleased to announce that Sparkle Donkey is running a special promotion this month,

and there's never been a better chance to give him a try. That's right. This month and this month only there's never been a better chance to give them a try. That's right. This month and this month only one out of four bottles of Sparkle Donkey Tequila will actually be filled with raccoon urine. That's right, Anna. Three quarters of Sparkle Donkey Tequila sold this month will be the floral, frembruley flavors you know and love. But that last quarter, hot fresh raccoon urine.

But Eli, what happens if the bottle I order at the bar of my liquor store is raccoon urine? Well, then you're a lucky winner is what? Call the sparkle donkey hotline and say, I got the urine for a free t-shirt. Don't wait. Try sparkle donkey tequila today. Sparkle donkey tequila. Drink hot piss. I think they might sue us.

I mean, I would sue you. I would sue me too. They should sue us. They should probably sue you. All right, guys, thanks for coming to the first ever writers room meeting for life changes everything. Colin discovers Zach Ryan. Oh, and before anybody asks, no, I am not open to changing the title. Never mind. writer's room meeting for life changes everything Colin discover Zach Ryan.

And before anybody asks, no, I am not open to changing the title. Never mind. Okay. Anyway, so this movie is super important and challenging. It's going to make people totally rethink abortion because like, what if your baby that you were about to abort, cured cancer? Right. I'm sorry, but. Yeah, question. Yeah, our thing is that abortion is murder, right? Totally, yep, murder. Murder, yeah. Aren't we kind of given away the game a bit

by making a movie that proposes the reason not to murder a baby is because the baby might be useful to us personally. I don't, I don't think I understand. Well, it's like people get abortions because they're, you know, not ready to have kids. They have personal reasons why they're not ready for a child. I just feel like the very real benefit of abortion is going to outweigh the imaginary one that we're proposing. Yeah, yeah, right. Plus the baby could also grow up to be Hitler. Oh, so...

Damn it. Yeah, no, that's a great point. No, okay. Well, I think if our argument is that abortion is murdering a baby? That's, that's all the argument we need. Right. Okay. Yeah. No, I get it. But, but hypothetically, if most of us actually, she didn't believe that abortion was murdering a baby and this was more of a tent pole issue, we used to

prevent economic mobility among women of color. Oh, oh, then this oh, this movie is perfect. Nice. Yeah. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up on a black screen with a young woman saying, I don't want to do this. So my first notice mean either movie, but it's my job. Actually, I hate to correct you know,

but we start with mouth sounds and size over a black screen. I was very surprised that this was like not the conception if you know what I mean. Right, yeah, yeah. No, I wasn't expecting clothes. Like the lights come on, they're clothed. Yeah. There's bright daylight.

Nobody's mouth is on another person's mouth. And I was like, oh, okay, all right, all right. Oh, you were expecting them to be on a mouth. That's how, how, how quaint. So yeah, no, but this is, it's November of 1978. And we open up on this dude, trying to talk Madeline into their at the, at the parking a lot of the abortion clinic and the guy is trying to talk Madeline into getting an abortion because of course according to Christian movies women only ever have abortions because some dude bullied them into it.

Right. Yeah. And I love that his main argument for having an abortion is that they're already in the parking lot. Really? We're wasting an appointment, Madeline. We've got all the hell away downtown for nothing if you don't get this abortion. Is other argument seems to be, look, I get it. Madeline, we've got all the hell way downtown for nothing if you don't get this abortion.

Is other arguments seems to be, look, I get it. Abortion is murder, but sometimes you murder, okay? I just love that. She's like, we could name it Zachary. And he's like, we can't raise a child, Madeline. I'm not wearing a Papoosta grad school. I can't be sharing my textbooks with a baby. Who's gonna buy a little glasses and a tweed blazer with patches on the elbows too? Oh. All right. Now that's fucking adorable.

There was an alternate movie in my mind and I needed it to happen. I was sorely disappointed. So yeah, so we cut it to the inside of the clinic waiting room. They come in there like, are you ready, Madeline? And we hear a heartbeat and it's like, oh, is it her heartbeat? Are the kidney beans?

No. Hold on a second. I just like to say this doctor definitely enters the room a little strong for my taste. He like slides in all our risky business and he's like, all right, who's ready to kill this baby? And we're right, right, right. I got jokes.

I got jokes. I got Jock. I got Jock. I got right? Yeah, I got jokes. I got jokes. It's finger guns and falls little bits. And then so then we black out to this hilariously digitized title. And we cut to the present day. Zach Ryan is, I love that they went one goddamn sound away from Jack Ryan, but yeah, Zach Ryan is narrating. And he's got the banality of this writing is just incredible He says I've discovered that life is made up of a series of choices

That's the first like present-day line of the movie and that's the end of his thought Yeah Pro choices. Oh shit Honestly, if this guy didn't already have a post-colonic and that's the end of his thought would have been a pretty I just love how he introduced himself as though it was a trailer for an action movie. Yeah, my name is Zach Ryan And I've discovered yeah, right no He's like, yeah, I've discovered that triangles have three corners So yeah, but apparently we're gonna meet him in the middle of this job interview with

a new hospital. He is a professional cancer cure, right? But he got fired from his last job because I guess because he's a whistleblower, right? Because he observed some ethics violations and made noise about it. They're not super clear on that. Well, he says that his colleague wanted to use it before it was ready, which is, I think, a bit of a, a foreshadowing. Oh, yeah. Right. Right. Yeah. I like it because he can't stop talking about how they were going to fuck up his stats by using the drug before

it was ready. He's a minor league pitcher trying to get an earlier draft. I'm sick this game. I just loved that there was a refrigerator that must have started to run between shooting her side of the conversation and his side of the conversation because every time he's speaking, he's like, oh, electric bus trying to interrupt you. Hey, I'm going to get an under five if I keep doing this. I mean, Anna, we're in a glasshouse where we're doing this on zoom on your phone with iPhone headphones and our sun sings himself songs in the background. I feel a little glasshouse to be throwing sound based stones. You make a fair point.

You make a fair point. And I just, I have to point this out because it just tickled the shit out of me. So the lady says, all right, you're hired. You'll be our new lab research oncologist. But the subtitles read lab research oncologist as though his research field was higher, like institutions of higher learning. So I just, I'm sorry, the crap, the fuck up. So now the old lady boss is gonna show him around. And this is of course where I first realized,

oh my God, this is a you're a boarded baby may have cured cancer movie, isn't it? I just, I probably slow. You're the fuck to the realization, but this is where I occurred to me. This is where we also where we meet cancer Clayton as incredible as he is, incurable, huh? Well, cute kid.

Okay. Yeah. Look, I know as a podcast, we've tried to move away from physical appearance jokes. He likes to use a cancer kid. You got it. First of all, he doesn't have cancer. No, he doesn't. So I feel free.

So fake cancer. And I have to talk about Clayton's ears because it's a matter of national security. This child is a fruit bat. I could want 100% convinced he is a fruit bat. He's like the more be a spreek will or something going on here. See, I thought for the first, the first time we went and I was like, oh, he's got one of those little Disney hats with the Mickey Mouse ears, but no, those are his.

Nope, those are his ears. Yeah, those are his ears. And they're, Oh, he's got one of those little Disney hats with the Mickey Mouse. But no, those are hits. Nope. Those are his ears. Yeah. Those are his ear. And they're, they're insane. They're so distracting that I literally went through the notes to see what it is he said in any given scene because all my notes for any scene that Clayton is in is ears ears. Heeers. If this kid quote unquote grew into his ears, he's 11 feet tall right now. That's hilarious. Well, that's a little sad because he actually ended up being like a little whipper snapper because I have him down as Clayton talks like Tony D on helium. Yeah.

He's like, Hey, mister, what's you up to? What you do with what's your bottom line like in the cancer thing? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know that Clayton asked some Star Wars or Star Trek. He gets the answer wrong and and this movie doesn't know. Cause this fucking stupid or is it wrong? It's wrong. And and then they'll the they started to walk away from the kid.

And the boss is like, uh, yeah, you know, that poor kid. He's got stage three stomach cancer. He lives here at the hospital. His whole family died in a fire and I'm like, Oh, you want to give him a dead puppy too? Movie as you maybe his bird said fell off or something. I don't know. See, I was thinking who's paying for this kid's cancer treatment, a bunch of scrappy street orphans who just like hand handle and then put it all together. He said, could I have some more chemo therapy? Yeah, I wrote my notes. He has stage three stomach cancer, his family died in a fire.

And as you can tell, he's being followed by this sad piano. So okay. So then we cut to Zach heading into a coffee shop at fucking clay, Mace and frame rates, This entire movie for whatever reason is it just a claymation frame rate. Yeah. Yeah. I wondered how many, the place is called L'Adolce, and I wondered how many people

in this movie pronounced it L'Edoleus. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It sounds Italian. L'Edoleus. Let's go. L'Edoleus. L'Edole-Ki-Dol-Ki-O. So this is where we meet the hilarious stoned love interest McKenna.

She is the barista. Oh my God. She's a terrible barista. She's really fucking bad. There's a grumpy like other barista who's like obviously trying to like train her at her job and I get it. Like he is grumpy and he's supposed to be mean, but like I would be mean to her too. Ma'am, that is a cash register.

That is not a POS system. Why did she push so many buttons? There was no way that tall red eye had that many buttons to it. She was trying to find tall red eye written on a button. I guess. She was just pushing him just to case. Yeah, she rang him up for like 19 beverages just in case. Yeah.

So she gets his order and then she starts practicing her, it'll be ready. She goes like, it'll be ready soon. No, no, wait, it'll be prepared shortly. No, no, let me try again. It's like that's how bad the writer is. He's trying to do like awkward and that's what he comes up with. Right. I really wanted it to like cut to the inside of her skull where an alien is frantically pushing

buttons. I have no idea how to use this fucking thing. She blinks seven times in a rapid succession too. Like she wanted us to rescue her from the movie so much that I added check in Morse code. What she said, niff. And I have so it's probably not that, but I just had to double check. So yeah, so, so that goes home with his coffee. We see his heathishly under decorated apartment, right?

Yeah, yeah. No, this says for sure we, this set decoration says a guy died in this apartment so you can use it for your movie. You have to move all the pictures of his kids though. Yeah. Yeah. So he's sitting there, he's studying hard, you know, reading cancer-cure stuff like he

does. Uh-huh. I wrote in my notes, he reads, he reads in the movie. Yeah. Right. But he falls asleep and he flashes back to Christmas of 1990. Oh, he starts sweating and then he flashes back. That guy, this guy spends a lot of time sweating.

He is wet all the time. Always. Yep. He's a moist protagonist if ever there was one. Interestingly up, except when he jokes, but yeah, we'll get to that. So yeah, so we cut to Christmas. Silent night is being sung.

Like not too much is at us. It's, I don't know, Anna is aggressive on mentee, a normal musical notation or whatever because this lady seemed to be beating us about the head and shoulders with silent night. Yeah. Well, definitely not a normal musical notation. Right. And he starts to narration over his own dream. Yes. Yes. Right. He says me and mom didn't have much, but we had each other. And genuine question. Does anyone put people in movies say that? Like, I feel like I've always had much. And it sounds like not having much really sucks.

Yeah, man, it sucks. I can, I speak for my experience. Yes, my wife has said that a number of times. So yeah, and then we cut to him as a kid. And he's gluing So yeah, and then we cut to him as a kid and he's gluing Dominoes to the floor gluing them to of all the serial killer bullshit you could be doing bright Right somebody says to the director. They're like hey for this scene We need him to be doing some normal Christmas activity that kids do any ideas. Oh, yeah, no, I've got an idea Project though because he calls up his mom, it's like, we need more glue, so I can finish my project.

Otherwise, it's not gonna be ready. I see, I was, it was certainly a project. I didn't think it was a school project because it was Christmas, but who the fuck even know is, yeah. It's less disturbing if it's a school project, right? I think it's more because he's gluing it to his own floor. It's the school gonna come and like look at it as a house.

No, I want to see that assignment being delivered just the front of the room. I don't know, kids. This Christmas blew some down those to your floor. I'm telling you, mother fuckers. Trying to stop me. Yeah, but like, and of course, the narrators given us all these stupid banalities, you know, we didn't have much more energy. I was like, at this point, I was like at this point I was like if some character

in this movie doesn't say live laugh love, I'm gonna be surprised, right? Right. The script is actually just a bunch of those wall signs you can buy at Michael's, right? Stable together. Yeah, we cut to my mom,

call some right and we cut to mom. She says she's a nurse at a hospital and the her coworker turns to her and says, you know, there is no greater love than that of a mother to her child. And I'm like, was the writer paid by the platitude? What the fuck is going on? He's sitting, he's like, no, let me show you the secret to my writing.

You can get the insides of all these hallmark cards for free. You just go to CVS and write down what they say. Professional written lines is the perfect crime. Yeah. The next thing out of her mouth is happy birthday or a year older and a year wife. Happy anniversary. I'm so sorry. Get well soon. Honestly, that's like the rest of the movie. So we cut to mom at CVS. She's picking up some glue. She also has to buy him a Christmas journal, right?

Because she's apparently buying a Christmas present still on, I don't know, I guess this is Christmas Eve. Mm-hmm. She's buying him a journal for Christmas from CVS. This is, yes. This is child abuse. That's some last minute shit, right? Like I get this and not everybody can afford a good presence.

But like, yeah, I was gonna say, but if you wait until like eight minutes before Christmas and you're just like, fuck, what do they have at the CVS that's like a Christmas present? Also, she wasn't gonna stop at CVS on the way home. She was just gonna come straight home, but he asked for glue and so she stops at the CVS. Yeah.

Well, she just not gonna have a gift for him? I apparently, yeah, and so she stops at the CVS. Yeah. Well, she just not going to have a gift for him. I apparently, yeah, and so she writes a note in it just in case she dies in a car accident on the way home and then she dies in a car accident on the way home. That's right, kids. If you don't get an abortion, you too could die in a car accident. Yeah. I also, I almost went with best worst trucking in this movie, right? We've seen a lot of moms get hit suddenly hit by trucks, but this one is really the

laziest. Like a guy very clearly just like turned on his brights for a second. They didn't even bother with the, no, no, they didn't. They didn't. We just cut to him getting woken up by the police as a kid. And I think to myself, of course, oh, so it's his fault that she died. Really, if it hadn't been for his glue and his dominoes and his bullshit, she would just throw home. Well, earlier, I'm just picturing the writers of this movie feverishly doing

the math cured cancer minus one mom plus one sale at CVS. So, so, so adult him wakes up all sweaty. Oh, so sweaty. And then the narrator is like, you know, I never knew my dad. My mom just said he was a guy who chose to leave. And then we cut to his dad. And of course his dad, because he left his family and didn't decide to be a father, is rich is all fuck, but miserable.

Oh, I just saw him walking around an empty apartment and I was like, oh, look, his dad is he. See, I feel like this is like what he pictures. Right? He's like, ah, man, in 30 years, I'm going to be this incredibly hot silver fox selling my company for $500 million as opposed to, you know, eating cereal over the sink, which I think is a much more accurate portrayal of, hey, you can eat cereal over the sink at any income bracket.

No, that's true. That's true. Yeah. Yeah, I don't want to be so rich. I can't do that anymore. So now we should also point out that the actor playing the father is maybe four and a half years older than the actor playing Zach, but they gave him gray hair. So don't worry about it.

Right. Yeah. It works. So we cut the dads doing some crunches, but then he realizes that like he has a pain in his stomach, like he's got, I don't know, stomach cancer or something, right? So we cut to him in the doctor's office. And of course, as he's waiting for his doctor to come in, he notices a picture of the old girlfriend.

He tried to browbeat into an abortion in the movie's opening scene. Hello. Okay. It's not just a picture of her. Yes. It's a picture of her and him with him torn out of it. Really? Of all the pictures you probably have of your mom. You're going to choose the one she tore her ex husbandhusband out of right to have in your office at your oncology space Grained in your own Other photos of maybe you and her over the years. No, no, no, no, no this nope mystery must be solved Jesus. Yeah, also are we supposed to believe that he just Happened to get his birth child as his oncology doctor? Yes, this is just a fucking random coincidence or or maybe Jesus made it happen

Maybe that's right. I'm not some miracle, but he doesn't say anything about it. Which is really fucking weird Yeah, yeah, no, so that comes in and he's like oh, I'm not your dad. What who said that? weird thing to say And Zach explains that he does have a tumor. He's like, well, I have to do a biopsy to see if it's cancerous. But if not, like we don't have much of a plot here, right? So let me just know. Well, he first says, is it cancer? And I was like, oh, is it cancer? Me? It's me. You sound like, I just came to an oncologist. And is it cancer? I'm an I just came to an oncologist and is it cancer? I'm gonna,

like if it was cancer, I would tell you, right? I would also be part of my, you don't have to prop me. So meanwhile, we cut the cancer Clayton and he doesn't want to shot. So that comes by a bedside manners to shit out of that kid, right? I don't know, does he? I feel like he's just looks him in the eye

like have you tried not being a little bitch? Yes, yes, this is very clearly a Non-parent non-child knowing person's version of what it's like to be good with kids No, no, let me try this are you chicken buck buck buck and the kids like no Every time No, but this kid has been in, he's been in here for two years. Yes.

With cancer. He should be fucking used to needles by now. You would think. Cancer patients get used to needles by now. Anyway. Don't they just leave a thing when you're getting chemo every fucking day? Don't they just leave a thing that they can, I don't know. But anyway, so then he goes to leave and this adorable nurse comes up to him and says,

Hey, you know, that was pretty awesome, boy, that you sort of browbeat that kid into man and up for his shot. Would you like to come out and have some drinks later? And he's like, no, no, literally every female character in this movie, except for like a couple of seven year olds is desperately trying to fuck me. So you're just one of them. Yeah, I wrote the moral of this movie so far is definitely don't have abortion because everybody and I do mean everybody is going to want to fuck your son.

Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. The barista, the may probably his boss. The boss. Yeah. The boss, even when she's trying to like yell at him and cuss him out and shit, she still is like, but, but if your DTF, I, you know, the sexual tension is a rough in there for a second. So yeah. So late that night, he's hard at work here in cancer. And this is where we're going to meet his buddy. Now I just just quick look behind the scenes here. One of the things that I do in these movies is when characters don't get names, I'll just come up with something that I can like use as a placeholder for that person's name. And then since I use buddy doc,

and then I can do a find and replace when they finally name the fucking character so I can have that in my notes. They never name this character. Never name this guy. So he's just buddy doc through my entire goddamn nose. Which can I say, an unfortunate choice to make for the only person of color in your film.

Who isn't married to this character? Yeah. Jesus. So Buddy Dot comes in and he's like, Oh, you're wasting your time with those bullshit reports. And he's like, Oh, but you know, you got to dig through everything to find the one percent that's true, which is the first indication that the writer thinks that the good doctors are the ones that don't get hung up on shit like sufficient

sample size and rigorous protocol, right? This character was written by an alcoholic mom actually. Yes, you know the biggest problem right now in science is the scientist? Read it too much about science. You need to get a life. I wish I had it a portion. He gets lucky for that. One percent of truth in all the pseudoscience, just like them YouTube researchers are exactly. Also, this lab, this is what Christians think a lab looks like.

There is so much empty counter space. I would say a lab looks like the kitchen in a dorm room. Yep. That nobody uses. Also, at one point, he is science-ing quote unquote. This is the first bad science we get in the film. He appears to inject a box with hypodermic needle. Yeah.

A PlayStation 3. Yeah. And then he holds a light bulb up to it. I think that they've seen the like the cartoon light bulb come on thing and think that's an actual thing that scientists see us like, let me hold this light bulb up here and see if I have any ideas. Nope. Not yet.

There's also I just have to point this line out because it's so fucking stupid. He turns to the buddy, you know, because the buddy doc is like, you need to go out and get a life. And he's like, we're so close to synthesizing the antibody. But like, he is cure that we eventually learn about will not involve an antibody synthesized or otherwise. Synthesizing the antibody for cancer. The worst form of measles, you know.

So buddy, doc, it bites him to dinner and he's like, oh, are you trying to fuck me too? He's like, yeah, probably. And he turns him down and then we get a quick curing cancer montage. He's just sweating. A lot of dripping stuff into, I just have to point out that they use the dripping dots of liquid into Petri dishes footage twice.

Right, they very clearly made this montage and they were like 43 seconds. I'd love to get it to 50. I mean, they probably have to drip stuff into Petri dishes more than one. Yeah, he tried to just try dripping a different thing this time into the same. Petri, it wouldn't look different. So at the end of this, we flash back to January of 1991. This is either a week or a month or sometime in between after his mom died.

And apparently his grandpa took him in. His grandpa who he'd never met before took him in after her death. Yeah. And we know that he's not ready for kids because he's quote unquote unshaven. Yes. And I point this out because much like I couldn't pay attention to any scene with Clayton in it because of his ears, what this actor attempted for stubble meant. I didn't hear a single thing that he said. He looks like his beard is growing like one of those like, peatry dish experiments about what's on the underside of a crock or something

Yeah, so he takes the kid and this is so good too. He takes the kid into the upstairs and he's like, here, you can have your mom's old room. We'd haven't changed it. So it's basically just a room full of momentos of your barely cold mother. Yeah. Enjoy. I only like ponies in the color pink. And I also hope you don't like those things because I'm old-timey.

Yes. Yeah, he seems really upset to have his grand kid there after he kicked his own daughter out of the house. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Right. Yeah. He's like, you know, settle in today and tomorrow I'll see about your chores. And I'm like, oh, really?

Already have chores for the recently. Yeah. Orphaned kid. What were you doing before, buddy? Yeah. Without the helper on the house. Right. Right.

Exactly. And then, of course, this is where he finally opens the journal for the first time that his mom gets him. He reads the note and I expected it to be live laugh. Love, I really did. Oh, absolutely. At this point, given the banality, but it's, it's almost as banal. It's like, you know, you're special or some dumb shit like that, right?

Yeah. You're going to cure cancer. I love your brain. Yep. Yeah, that was it essentially. So then we, we cut to dinner with Gramps and again, in case the unshaven didn't really sell you on the, he's not ready for parenthood thing. He also has happiness dinner with the big ass bottle of Jack Daniels just next to his

place. Yes. And this is one of my favorite tropes and Christian movies is Christian actors who don't know how much whiskey people pour themselves. Because he's pulling his wife. He's having a nice tall glass of iced tea. He's like, there it is. Half a bottle of jack dick.

Just the thing to wet the whistle before dinner. It's... And then he's like, oh, are you gonna say grace? Jesus, alright, I have to fucking say grace. Dear God, I fucking hate my grandchild. He is so depressing. Oh my God. The worst. Amen. Yeah. The grandpa after after he says grace, he's like not so impressed with what I've seen of you so far. He goes, I think the literal line is, you know, first

impressions really matter and so far you're fucking blowing suck. I want the kid to be like, well, you know, my first impression of you is that you abandoned your daughter for my existence. So, you know, who do you think is doing better? Me or you? You see, yeah, right, right. Also, my mom just died. So I got an excuse, you're just an asshole.

Yeah. But basically, so Zach goes up to cry himself to sleep, Graham stays downstairs and drinks more Jack Daniels. Right? Oh, I had him sweating himself to sleep actually. Okay, well, the kid can't do crying, so he does smokers cough, which, you know, I appreciate it. They literally just sprayed him in the face with a waffle.

They absolutely just sprayed him in the face. Like he was a cat that was being naughty, yes. So, so yes, we cut to grip. And Gramps is like, audially flashing back to him kicking Madeline out of the house, forgetting pregnant and refusing to get, he's like, I'm a deacon,

you have to get an abortion. And I'm like, that sentence has never been said. Never. You want to ruin my deacon ship? The third lowest level of religious hierarchy one can have. This is some community. I mean, I've come to expect community theater levels of acting and these things, but this guy might as well be throwing in a, whoa, is me. Whoa, whoa, I'm so sad.

Well, and then we cut, we go back upstairs to Zachary here, grandpa breaking his glass. They didn't, we don't see that because they didn't have glass breaking money in the budget here. Oh, no, they didn't even let, they didn't even let him put the whiskey bottle on the hardwood. He had to use a coaster for this house. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. You're checked out. I love it. He's a fucking dejected alcoholic, but he's still, he still uses a fucking coaster. He's not a man. Yeah, absolutely not. So the kid comes down and he's like, are you okay? And he's like, go to bed and say, I guess like, why do you hate me? And Gramps is like, that is a great question. Anyway, sure is getting late. Good night. Yeah.

My also at one point, the guy who let's just point out has cut his hand open on his own booze and glasses. Like, are you stupid? You're acting stupid. Because the kid just hasn't spoken. And I'm like, Oh, yeah, you're such a great conversation starter with grace. I don't like you. Yeah. So, yeah, so we back out of the flashback, he's doing more sweaty research and there's this great dammit. I still haven't cured cancer moment that we get at the end of this. Yeah, he tries to throw, he has a piece of paper, he tries to throw it in anger, but it's a piece of paper.

So it just kind of like gets caught in the wind and then floats gently down to the floor. It doesn't have the hefty was oh, bang, you know, when you throw a paper airplane really hard and it just loops back right around and hits you in the face. It was the that of throwing a piece of paper. Yeah. All right. Well, so far this is just a movie about why Madeline should have definitely had an abortion. So we're going to take a second, give the movie a minute to regroup. It may make some half-time adjustments, but back in a flash with even more life changes everything meets Zach Ryan. Hi, I'm Eli Bosnick. And I'm Anna Bosnick. You know, it's not often that we get to give away the secrets to a happy marriage, but we're here to tell

you a big one today. Mm hmm. Lentiful, non-disclosure agreement, sir. Nope, not that one. Oh. Not that one. I'm talking about a good set of headphones. Oh, that one too, absolutely. Yes, whether it's ignoring the 200th episode of a murder podcast. Or catching up on all those good sci-fi your husband read in high school, a good pair of

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And I love the awareness mode for those moments when your toddler is climbed up onto the refrigerator and is about to jump off. That's right. Go to buyraycon.com slash Gam today to get 15% of your Raycon order. That's buyraycon.com slash Gam Raycon because I do want to hear the gruesome details. Yeah, no matter how many nightmares it gives me. I'm also married. Nice. Nice. Hi, I'm Tony D from Tony D's house, a grumpy adults who is suddenly forced to raise a child. Here at Tony D's house, a grumpy adults who are suddenly forced to raise a child.

Here at Tony D's house, a grumpy adults who are suddenly forced to raise a child, we've got unexpected fathers, grumpy grandpas, and even a befuddled sister or two. Just the characters you need to teach your audience, the children, teach you how to love or something, it's not clear, but that's not all Act now and you're reluctant caregiver will come with their very own bottle of Slopily poured booze for free This Lopily poured booze is sure to get your audiences thinking there's no way he's ready to be a parent But he is and that's the point

Tony Dees house of adults who are suddenly forced to raise a child, forced parenthood is wacky. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action in the modern day with Zach telling his secret dad Rick, because he doesn't know yet that he does indeed have stomach cancer. Give up. It's a stupidumptumor.

Yeah, no, it's an inoperable tumor. He says, you know, six to 12 months tops. I'm treating him. Right. And then he says, I'm not saying there's no hope, but I have a drug that works 87% of the time when I was like, hell, man, that's a lot of hope. That's a lot of hope.

Not saying there's no hope. Yeah. That's an overwhelming amount of hope. Yeah. Mm-hmm. I would have led with that and then followed up with the Months, but yeah, right. Well, and then he said the dad is like, you know, well, how soon can we start get started? And he's like, well, you want to schedule this for next like right fucking now. Did you have stomach cancer? You dumbass? So We're a third of the way through this fucking movie. The sooner the better, right?

Yeah. So then we cut to dad. He's like being super-pensive at his fancy penthouse apartment or, you know, the closest they could get to fancy penthouse apartment. Stairwell of the nicest hotel in this small town. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And there's this, okay. so he calls somebody up, right?

He calls somebody down the cell phone. And apparently he's like, he's like, I've decided to sell my company 500 or nothing, you know, or whatever, that's the scene we're getting. Yes, and this is one of those rare instances where having someone on the other end of the phone was a really bad idea. Yes.

Cause they got fucking Aunt Millie on the other end and she would not shut up about her crab apple tree. It was just monuments of silence. It was monuments. And then you know that my cat scampers is really running after butterflies too. I get it, I get it, Aunt Millie. I get it, Aunt Millie, I get it.

There was almost a, hey, can I talk, Can I talk here now? I'm so sorry. I also love that like Christians have this idea that like hard business is to be like, all right, you have 24 hours and then he hangs up on the guy like that, that has never worked on anyone in the history of ever. Right. Nobody has ever hung up on me and then I've given them money ever. Not once

in my whole. That's the exact opposite. Like, have you ever been pitched anything by anyone? You know, that's the exact opposite of how you sell shit. Right? Right. Honestly, crazy billionaire remake. I just want one of these movies where someone does that for the person to call back and go, Oh, did you get disconnected? Cause that's what I do. I just, I, I just, I, I signaled died right now. I'm an 18. He's such a weird violation of the social contract for you to just hang up on me in the middle of a conversation. So okay.

So then we cut to cancer Clayton. He's on the floor. Now he's drawing a moth, but at first it very much looked like a pair of testicles. And I was like, oh, damn it. Michelangelo's David got another one. Yeah, my God, he knows about the ears because it kind of looks like a tiny head with two giant ears on it. Yeah. So, well, he's drawing what he thinks butterflies look like. Yes, which is not a moth. Also, also what is with this kid that he, this filmmaker thinks children would like to just play on the floor?

Yep, he has a room. There are chairs. There's probably a table He's been there for two years and there's not a fucking art table. He has the whole thing fucking At least he's not glue in his fucking puzzle pieces to the floor Where you are right right now by the standards of this movie this is pretty But yeah, there's got there's something like a room down like three doors down where he could go and do that. Yeah. Also, I have to point this out because like, Zach comes in to talk to him and everything. And as he leaves, he goes for the hair tassel on a bald chemo. I got in there. So he just sort of gently hats him. Yes. A bucket of layers touches each

side of his ears. Yeah. So. So then we cut to him having a bit of food at the I bet we could just make your house look like a restaurant set cafe, right? Oh, God, this is sad. I don't know what Italian restaurant slash funeral home allowed them to be the restaurant of this movie, but it just gets darker and sad. There might as well be boxes labeled broken dreams in the background and the guy just loaded in the dumpster. Okay. I have a theory because every single room that we enter in this, in this movie that is

not a hospital has the same kind of double, like French doors, slash windows, and his apartment has it, his friends house has it. Yep. This cafe has, I think it's just one room that they keep on moving or the furniture around in. I think you might be right. Yeah, so and then we get, and this was almost my best worst.

We get the best worst flirtation in the history of film. Are you talking about, oh, chemotherapy, I love chemotherapy. Like, like, like, like, like, like, ma'am, do you need help? Not the like a little answer talk to really charm the ladies. Yeah, so they have this conversation and it just keeps getting worse. She's like, oh, I'm really interested in chemotherapies. Like, oh, really? Here are all the technical cancer words that this writer knows in her role.

Yeah, this movie was like, how do you flirt over cancer? Oh, breast cancer. So he says, yeah, that's works with breast cancer. I was bummed that she didn't come back with, oh, does it work with testicular cancer too? Oh. Oh. Blink, blink blink and then we get this bizarre exchange after a few minutes of this cancer talk she goes so what line of

work are you in? Bucking cancer. You think he's a recreational. He my therapist. I did not catch that. Oh my God. Well, and then he gets even worse because he says, well, I'm a oncologist and she goes, oh, I guess I'm not surprised.

And he says, what do you mean you're not surprised? It's like they were competing for who could say the dumbest line. Can you not hear each other? You hear each other, right? Are you running each other's lines through Google Translate into like time? Right. Shit. Are you running each other's lines through Google translate into like tie and right? Shit so and then but then this is so amazing she goes as though it couldn't get worse. Yeah, right she goes No, I get it obviously you're a big shot doctor, which is why you're buying into the big farm alive

You can't cure cancer with herbs and both shit and vaginal lasers or whatever Bullshit and vaginal lasers or whatever. Greed! Duh! Greed! Zach, have you considered that medical science is all bullshit? Ha ha ha ha! She goes, what's the success for chemo and he's like 50%? It's not-

No, it's not 50% He legitimately just had a drug that made it 87% in the last fucking scene. Right. Well, but she reacts to that 50% thing like see 50% of the people get better from chemo and 50% of the people get better from not chemo. Yeah. So really when you think about it, why would anyone choose chemo? Jesus, I wanted Karen to just walk up and smack her, right? Just think she'll come up from off screen or something. Yeah, but apparently that's not a deal breaker. The fact that she's an impossibly stupid conspiracy theorist is not a deal breaker for him

because he's like, by the way, I'm Zach, you know, I'm sure we'll flirt again in a future scene. I want Karen to come in and smack a bunch of people in my life. Not just this guy in this mirror. So then we cut to Zach, Dr.ing dad some more. And he's like, you know, so how do you like the meds? And he's like, well, they're, I don't know, man, better than dying of cancer. I'm like, I don't know what to measure this against. Yeah, a little uncomfortable is what he says. And I wrote in my notes on a scale of one to Buffalo pretzel bites. How much is down in the pain? You're in the house.

He goes, this is such the banality of this script. It's just amazing. The dad says, Hey, Doc, you ever think about what if you made different choices in life to which Zach says, no, no, just straight line a cancer doctor., ever thought about that. But dad just starts yammering like a fanboy in a Q&A, right? Like he's, it's just like how much time do you think doctors give you to just yammer, right? Yes. He goes, you know what they don't tell you? And I wrote in my notes as a joke that you're gonna die.

And then he said, that you're gonna die. Yes. Yeah, he goes, you know, they always tell you to claw your way to the top, but they never tell you to spend time with your family and your loved ones. Yeah, no one's ever said that. Meanwhile, he's seen the picture of Zack's mom. He knows who this is and he still doesn't fucking say anything. Yeah, right.

Yeah, it was so painful listening to this writer try to write a like coping with my own mortality Like it was it was the eighth grade love Oh, I'm of introspection. Yeah, it's a he might as well tell us what he did last summer and very clearly He tries to do one of those stupid platitude-based like you know live life to the fullest Smell of flower Climax tree have a baby like, you know, live life to the fullest. Smell of flower, climb and tree. Have a baby.

Right, but you know, one of the very few groups of people you shouldn't say that to is cancer researchers. Right? Cancer researchers, stay in your labs, or can I say that? You drive yourself into the ground with overwork. Cancer researchers, you're one of the people. Well, especially if you're my cancer doctor, right?

Like you're the one who's supposed to be cured my ass. I'm not gonna go in there and say, you should take more vacations. Yeah, if you wanna convince someone to take more vacation, start with a podcaster. There you go. Go with a vlogger, you know? Don't start it, the cancer doctor.

So I have to share this actual line. It took me a second to transcribe this good, but this is after I wrote, wow, it's the eighth grade love poem of introspection, we get this actual goddamn line and I quote, this is the dad speaking to the doctor, you know, if I was to think about the choices I've made in life, I found out that the choices I had made have brought me to this point where I am right now with the choices I had made. And the choices that I could have made. I wrote in my notes,

is he clumsily hinting that he's a time traveler? Because I'm a nice guy, that's terrible. Yeah. So, okay. So then we check back in with Kidzac in April of 91. Horses! Suppresses. Horses.

Yeah, this is the first of Anna's best worse. Suddenly, his grandpa apparently has horses. Me. And this is where we're going to meet horse Hannah, the love interest, right? Well, I almost went with best worst abandoned plot because this this plot will live and die in this one single scene. Yep. It says though, he was writing on his computer and someone who was the parent of the little

girl in the scene walked in and like, Ted, a couple of lines. I was like, haha, put it in your script. Now you have to let my daughter in. And he was like, fuck you. And then she died. And then she died in the stomach cancer. Yeah, so he meets this girl who's also in there and the stable is taking care of her horse, I guess. Well, is it her horse because he runs out of the house to the stable.

Right. The stable. Is it his dad's? Is a granddad stable? So I think that his granddad also like stables this person's horse, right? Like this family's horse that lives across the pond or whatever, that's what I got out of it.

But yeah, they don't help you out much there. But he's looking for a chair. Yes, you only know is that he needs a chair. So he runs into the stable, throws out this bucket of water and sits on the bucket of water. And then she's like like you're being so noisy Why are you disturbing the horses by being so noisy and not only do they not help you out by telling you who the fuck these people are Or whose horses they belong to later in the movie they use this barn from a different angle

Hoping you won't notice? Yeah. Which I did. And so I was like, wait, so Dad now owns the barn where the little girl died from the grandbuns. I was picturing some kind of hills have eyes, asked family tree in order to make any fucking sense. But yeah, it's your typical first 10 minutes of the movie, you know, meet cute, except as I hinted earlier, then his narration comes in and he's like, but then she fucking died in cancer.

Okay, that's neat. So, okay. He says four years later, she died in cancer in 1995, really with that sidebang, sir. This kid has a full 2005 MySpace seenster Asian boots. The Asian mallet, he has the Asian mallet. He all he needs is eyeliner and a lip piercing. So yeah, but so we watched them like run around and point it, shapes and clouds and everything I wrote in my notes.

She's going to die a stomach cancer, isn't she? And the very next scene she dies of a stomach cancer. Yep. And then the narrator cuts in and he goes, you know, to die a stomach cancer, isn't she? And the very next scene she dies of stomach cancer. Yep. And then the narrator cuts in and he goes, you know, sometimes life makes choices for us because apparently the writer realized in retrospect that he needed to back away from that bold claim about life being a serious choice. So okay.

So now we're back to the modern day. Zach is sweaty again, and he's doing his light bulb cancer cure research more. Yeah. I just love that this is what Christians think science looks like. Like, let's get one of them, then they are twisty light bulbs. I just want the items that he works with to be weirder and weirder like a turkey baster, like a test food full of ants. Yeah, right. Just like, he pulls out a rubber chicken and starts banging it on something. I just, I just need it.

And better even than the weird science objects is the weird science conversation. Because this is where the boss comes in and is basically like cure cancer faster. Yes, yeah, exactly. She says, you haven't carried a single cancer. Do you've been out here all week? Yeah. So dumb. Oh my God.

And then we get the first of my best worse, right? Because she leaves and then the buddy dot comes back in and he goes, you know, wow, you certainly have a tense relationship with the boss that was aptly demonstrated in the previous exchange that I'm now talking about. Character development. I'm gonna like both some more kids are here. Hold on a minute.

So then we cut to cancer dad at the horse races. We're gonna get some more of what they put. Yes, more random horses, but this is them taking a stab at what businessing looks like. Yeah, and it's, again, it's the exact same exchange that we heard on the phone. Yeah. But in person, and with one of them pointing out how ridiculous this is to have a conversation about, buy my company for $500 million. Okay.

Yeah. Shit, we're all out of fire. Man. Also, why did they have it? There's just no reason for the scene. They show the horse racing and then they take them away from that just to be in a private box, which let's be honest, looks suspiciously like an air B&B kitchen. Sure. And drinking Patrone. Patrone tequila. in the glass. No ice, no nothing. Just like, just like a healthy four fingers of patrolling. Darling, darling, darling, they're fancy business people. Yes. Oh, excuse me.

Grandma who wrote this movie had heard several rappers say Patrone as a reference to a fancy and expensive thing. So the happens you want to get after a drive to kill a drunk at 2 p.m. in the afternoon. And speaking of drive to kill a drunk at two in the afternoon, if you're not trying sparkle done, check it out. But I also, I love that he's just like, you know, he's like, uh, you know, I need, I want 500 million of the guys like, hold on a second. He's like, I'm in no mood to negotiate.

It's like, well, then what the fuck is anybody even doing here? Then why did you take me to the horse races? I just, you just wanted to see me in person to say a number and then powderly be silent if I didn't say yes. Honestly, this is very similar to the phone call earlier. Yeah, right. No, it's very similar to the phone call earlier. Yeah, right. No, it's it's almost like the guys right literally the scene hang this up on them. Well, yeah, no, I was gonna say that's probably what it was.

It's the guys like, no, we need to be in a situation where you can't hang up on me again, though, we need to be in person for this one. Really want him to try and do it. And he walks outside and slams the door. I can see you through the window. So and then we get in case you didn't really pick up on it. The first time we get another scene of him getting chewed out by his boss. This time for the purchase order.

Oh my God. The sexual tension in this one is just beautiful. Yeah. He's he's like, Oh, I needed these for my research. And she says these are wants not needs. And I really wanted it to be like, an Nintendo switch and some flaming hot cheetos. God, my boss won't let me do the PlayStation. So the cancer research, God. But instead he goes, you know what, fire me or get off my back, I feel like you always fire a person after they say that, right? Just regardless of who it is.

One hundred percent of the time. And then Zach takes cancer, Clayton out for a run in the park. He says, I want to find butterflies. And he's like, yeah, we can't afford butter. You turns out you can't just go buy them. So maybe, maybe not to 50, 50 on that. They didn't have butter, fly money. No, uh-uh.

No, that's not. Also, they're taking Clayton through a park and it's very clear that they've told him, like, hey man, don't run too fast or you'll take off. Right. Like a fucking aircraft, like a personal aircraft. So just keep the... Oh, see, no, I thought it was the other way around.

I thought he was trying to run faster, but the added wind resistance from his ears kept holding him back. Oh, yeah, exactly. Like those emergency parachutes for the left. Speed breaking records. Yeah, exactly, exactly. See, I thought he was running around very similarly to my, my pug.

I was just getting winded really quickly. I was like, oh, he's taking his pet cancer patient for a walk in the park. That's cute. Oh, there you go. And again, the banality of this bucket script Clayton goes, quickly. I was like, oh, he's taking his pet cancer patient for a walk in the park. That's cute. Oh, there you go. And again, the banality of this fucking script Clayton goes, I love it in sex. You love what? And Clayton goes, life, not being aborted. You know, really if I was going to, if I was going to sum it up in one sentence, the fact that my mom didn't

kill me in in utero is is really what I love the most. Yeah. Has this kid ever been outside before? No. Because he's not acting like it. Right, because he keeps saying, like, I want to see a butterfly. It's like, we've never seen a fucking butterfly. What the hell? Where are you from?

Yeah. Yeah, also, again, like movie, you are an anti-abortion film. You are in control of your script. You don't need the person advocating being alive. The child whose cells are killing him from who's who's parents died in a tragic fire for fuck's sake. All right, well, I'll do it.

This dumb fucking script just had a cancer kid say I love being alive. So I need a minute to find those brains cells I lost upon recalling it, but before we go, let me give Act 3 the hard sell. Should Clayton's mom have aborted him and saved him the misery? Would Zack's mom have lived if she hadn't had to pick up his fucking glue? Will this movie decide that removing Dad's tumor counts as an abortion? Fight out the answers to these questions and more. When we return for the admittedly spectacular conclusion of, oh, I've changed everything meat, Zach Ryan.

All right, can we move those lights over a bit this way? I'm still getting a little bit of shadow. Yeah, no, that's perfect. Perfect. Uh, hey, Crick, hey, what's up, Steve? I know I'm just the actor and you're the writer, director. So feel free to ignore this. But um, are you sure these scenes between the doctor and his boss are accurate?

Oh yeah, no, trust me. I watch a lot of TV. Oh, like like medical dramas. I ate some, some times. Okay, yeah, I'm sure it's fine. Sorry, it's just, yeah, no problem. Are you ready? Yeah, yeah, totally ready. All right, all right. And action.

Damn it, Johnson, I need cancer cured by Monday morning or your ass is grass. Okay, see, that's what I'm talking about. Cut. Cut, I'm sorry, Steve, what is what you're talking about? She wants cancer cured by Monday? Do research doctors have like deadlines like that? I feel like they don't.

Everybody has headlines, man. Otherwise, how would they get stuff done? Yeah. Hey, I feel like there's another way to do it. You know what? I don't know. It's fine. I'm sure it's fine.

Okay, all right. Good. And action. Damn it, Johnson. I need cancer cured by Monday morning or your ass is grass. Look, boss. I'm curing cancer as fast as I can, but I'll need a warrant for these experiments. Warrant can't be the word in this.

That is the word that's the, it's in the script, man. Still rolling, still rolling. Listen to me, you son of a bitch. I've seen cancer take down too many good men. So when I say you need to cure cancer by Monday. I mean I want it on my desk by Monday Or you turn in your badge and your gun. Okay. Why would a doctor have a gun? I don't maybe Maybe he works in a school No, yeah that track. Yeah

No, yeah, that track. Yeah, yeah. Shit. And we're back for Stillmore of this shit. We're going to rejoin Zach showing up at BuddyDoc's place for dinner. This is where we meet his wife and his daughters who will never matter up here in the film again. And he came as a surprise and didn't bring anything. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, it's even worse because he's like, he's like, well, you know, you said to come by for dinner and he's like, well, I didn't say that today, but not just whenever you fucking monster. That alone, if everything else about this movie was degraded, that alone is a reason why Madison should have gotten an abortion. Absolutely.

And so and then and then his wife comes up and gives Zach a great big hug. And and I guess buddy doc thinks that the hug lasts too long. And he's just like, so are you two fucking or what's going on here? Well, yeah, everybody wants to fuck this guy. Right. Yeah, including it. I see I took it as like, oh, are we having a threesome tonight? Like, who is it? Like he was super into it. I thought at least I don't know. Do we need to send

the girls to bed early? Oh, okay. No, and this is where we meet the, like, seven and nine year old daughters. And I'm like, ah, finally a female character that doesn't want to fuck sex. That's true. You know what, the daughters are the only ones. Yeah. They're spared by not getting any lines. Yeah, it's true. Had they been given lines, I'm sure it would have been my goodness. I've just become post-pubescent at the site of Zach Ryan.

Sparkle donkey to Keela. So it did. So dinner's over. And him and BuddyDoc have a serious conversation about the fact that it looks like they're losing their funding, he did not, in fact, cure cancer by Monday. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Well, I think that's honestly the reason

he had time to come to dinner is because this funding was bold. Oh, interesting, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and this is where Zack sort of repeats the like, well, I don't know, this guy who may or may not be my dad did say I should live life through the fullest and smell trees and dance on flowers and the guys like, oh no, we're cancer researchers.

No, we're still going to care. We're still going to care. We're going to do it. We cure cancer and then we retire. Yeah. And we go fish. But right now we need you to focus up, Zach, right? Zach, like I think I think I got to, and Buddy Doc is like, are you sure

you don't want this scene to serve some herpes before you do or not? Okay. All right. So he leaves Buddy Doc follows him out and he goes, Hey, man, are you all right? And I'm like, have you ever known this guy to be all right? No, he's constantly sweating. He has some sort of sweat glands. Yes, I'm surprised a certain is soaking bite now. And so he goes home and we watch him watch Dr. Phil. Watch

Dr. fucking Phil. Wow. This is where I have in my notes. Wow, this is where he's like goes full pseudoscience bullshit. He stores back to the coffee shop and screams at the waitress teach me your ways ha ha ha ha ha like the scene in ghost at the subway no it's the doctor the the prestigious doctors they keep up with each other's work that's why no it's like what's it what's amazing about that comment and is that the next scene is him at the coffee. I know. I thought I was like, my next slide is, oh my god, I was joking.

Oh, and then I'm like, oh man, because that's not what he says. Yeah. No. So but we opened this scene with somebody being very mean to me, kind of the barista. He's like, this is whip in my coffee. And I said, no, whip. Make it right. Yeah. I wrote my notes, sir, that's that's not whip. That's come. I probably some whip around it, but oh, God, I live for

moments. I live for being behind somebody who's being rude to their fucking cashier. Anyway, sorry. But and by the way, I should point out, he turns around to walk away. Zach fails to slap the coffee out of that asshole's hand as he walks off and I'm like, you are already a bad boyfriend. He's here to flirt and he does nothing for her. He's like, yes, sorry about that fucking bitch.

Anyways, hey, girl. Hey, since you're not so good at making coffee, how about you come on over and give me some smooches? I said. And then of course I wrote my notes and then Trump got indicted. So I stopped watching for an hour and a half. I still think it's a really delayed, weird April, Wednesday prank thing. I'll find out. We'll bet time this episode comes out. We might know. So yeah, so he's like, hey, you know, when do you get your lunch break? Can we, can I take you out to like, I don't know, probably the restaurant you work at, you know, because that's the only set we have. And she's like, please get me out of here. I'm a terrible waitress. I wish someone would just

marry me so I can just have babies for the rest of my life, please. And then we, so we watched them have lunch and this poor fucking writer has to try for normal human conversation. And it's immediately creepy. A shit is like, yeah, I see you walk home from, I watch you from the window of my work. How far do you know? I know where he lives. She goes, my notes, this is the consecutive three lines in my notes.

It's nice to know you're watching me sometimes, wrote a man for a woman to say, let's talk exclusively about your wants and needs, wrote a man for a woman to say. I do talk too much sometimes, wrote a man for a woman to say. Yeah. Yeah.

Towards the end of the scene here, she says, I'm a great listener and I wrote my notes, hot tank. Nobody who ever says that is. Yeah. Yeah. Because if they would just probably be listening in that moment, if they were. So then we get what I can only describe

as a man's explaining montage. Hey, I, okay. First of all, he takes his pet waitress to the garden where he took his pet cancer patient with his gray. But I really wanted them to be talking about cancer this entire time. Just her would like just it pans back in and they're like and then and then sometimes like the chemo patient will lose his hair after like the third time, but not at first. Yeah, just her pointing at a book about the

gurson diet and then both nodding very enthusiastic. Juices you say. Oh, it turns out marijuana actually can cure your cancer. Oh, it's so weird. So why wouldn't we know that yet? Oh, you're gonna thought I would have checked so many people. No, it's gonna be forever. Yeah.

And I love to because like they show them in like four different, like, four different outfits and different date walking type places. Every single time he's explaining something to her and we do that because we have to get their first kiss here and given the audience, the intended audience of this movie, if we hadn't seen them in at least four different outfits, they would now dismiss this character as a brazen little Hussie, right? Obviously. Absolutely. Which honestly, I kind of thought they were going to do because they did have the other

love interest who never comes back that nurse. Right. Yeah, I'm so fucking weird. But so and by the way, I haven't won this yet, but McKenna looks like Dolly tried to deage Kirsten Dunst. She really does. Yeah, she looks super duper computer generated. Oh, and then all right.

So this and this little montage ends with them jogging up a mountain. Okay. Running up a mountain. But this is amazing because, right, they climb to the top of this mountain, right? And it's obviously not meant to be a mountain because the first line of the scene is, I try to come here a few times a week and I was like, really, you climb a mountain?

That's a week. Who like a lot? Also, not out of breath at all. And can I say the one scene, the one scene that he does not have a speck of sweat on him. Yes, he is after he runs up a fucking mountain. With a day pack on, no less. Yeah, a full fucking day pack.

Honestly, my best worth should have been, should have been surprised sweat. Yeah, right, right. Best worth understanding of how sweat works. Yeah, so they get to the top of this mountain, neither of them remotely out of breath, not a speck of sweat on either of them. And they have this talk that includes the line where he says, quote,

you're very cute when you're passionate. I wanted to just push him over the ledge. I just, it was so bad. Like, they're standing right by that ledge and she could have been like, oh, you know, he slipped and he fell and, um, except she kind of deserves it because she says, yeah, you can't live life with a plan B. What?

And I was like, and that's why she doesn't have life insurance. Just like Heath and right. A lot of stuff is coming forward here. Yeah, you know what? It's all coming together. Well, so I had a Heath moment here too, because she says, I love you, Zach Ryan. And then there's like a three beat to see like if, if he's going to he, you know, her on this, but no, he likes her son.

If he's gonna heath, you know, her on this, but no, he likes her son. Like father like son. So speaking of which, we time jumped to three months later and we rejoined cancer dad getting an update. Apparently, the cancer drug is not working, the 87% success rate drug. Oh, and there is another surprise horse. No, yeah, no, you're right. There is. Yeah, no, there is another surprise horse in that montage.

Yeah, so yeah, no, no, we got to keep track here. And so Zach is like horse watch. If we see six, we get a free bottle of raccoon urine. You get cancer. We get a free horse, actually. So I just, I like the, I like the, the life of the people who haven't, like the patrons who haven't heard the ads and don't know why I went straight to raccoon urine. Oh, I thought we were just talking about raccoon urine.

So, Zach says to the cancer dad character, he's like, hey, so like that drug's not working. I do have a risky light bulb based procedure that I've been working on. Do you wanna bet your life on it? Now this will burn you from the inside out. But so the side effects might include super strength, the ability to read minds and shapeshifting. Oh, and it's called Adam Antium kryptonite, by the way.

Yeah. This is my best words, which I cannot believe that this was written into the script. What I believe happened is that the old guy was like, how does it work? And the young guy was like, you can improvise this man, go on. Yeah, improvise a cure for cancer. It's a radio wave machine, which would be a radio, by the way, that would just be a... Yup, that's what we call those.

It's a radio wave machine that heats metal. Don't say nano nano particles. And it's gonna cook your cancer cells like a microwave. Yes. Does he think that cancer is metal? I don't, we are inches away from Trump asking why we can't just cure COVID with bleach and sunlight, right? I do.

And so this is the base that thinks bleach in sunlight is a reasonable solution. Yeah. Right. Right. Exactly. That's who they're aiming this at. And he's like, he's like, but you know, I don't know if I could get the funding for this because it's experimental. And rich cancer dead. It's like, Oh, I'm rich cancer dead. I will pay for it. He's like, right, because it's your life. That makes perfect sense. Yeah. But again, like he doesn't understand how human medical trials were. Oh, pay for it. Oh, that's great. Cool. But again, like he doesn't understand how human medical trust was like. I'll pay for it.

Oh, that's great. Cool. So we'll set up like a $500 million fund, a trust. And over the next 25 years, we'll start applying for funding for those. Oh, no, I just meant I want to buy one cancer cure. I'm right. I thought medicine, I thought the medical establishment was a vending machine

and you could put in a big $500 million bill. And it would spit out one cure for cancer. I'm Elon Musk. Well, luckily for you in this movie, that's exactly how it works. Okay. So then we cut to McKenna and Zach and Cancer Clayton, all at a pizza rea together. Yeah. Right. Oh my God. And Clayton's going to fucking break the movie here because Clayton's doing grace. Yes. Before their pizza, he's like, Oh my God. Thank you for the pizza. But then he adds to be clear, I would trade the pizza for not dying. Yes. Yes.

Jesus, please let me not die, I can't answer and maybe a replacement family while you're at it. And I'm like, I like how he cuts to the chase. Yeah, that's good. I said, thank you for personally, dear Jesus, thank you for, sorry, Carla Pecapeca, card on healing. Yep. Dear Jesus, thank you for personally sorry, Carla Pagapagot, Karen on healing. Yeah.

Dear Jesus, thank you for personally making this plane cheese pizza that definitely wasn't sitting out coming room temperature in a box just off camera. That's the cat's hands are patient. Yeah. Oh, God, this pizza is so, this is a gas station ass looking pizza. And here, this is such a small detail, right? Such a small detail, but I have to put it out.

They have little fucking flimsy paper plates, which they're at a time. They're sitting at a fucking time, which means that this diner at this point was like, you can't mess up any of our fucking plates and we're not giving you any real food. Bring your own gas station as pizza. Yep, that's 100%.

Yeah, the cheese looks like it is hard at this point. Oh, it's fucking gross. No, it's made out of the miners we didn't give jobs to after the 19th century. Oh, God. Also, I just have to point this out that they cut from there to like a fire, the dad and the fire pit. This scene doesn't matter and it doesn't do anything. Bible reading montage. Yeah.

And like three more horses by the way. Yeah, except that he's, of course, we need to keep a poor swatch. He's reading the Bible by the fire. But for some reason, the camera guy appears to be slowly sinking into the ground. What I don't, it was the choice or was the tripod falling. I don't know. It really feels like the tri- You know what you get those ones to have like the little cushions in them so that they lower slowly instead of breaking your game up? It really feels like the guy was like,

you know, that's actually pretty artsy. What are the things that you're touching? See, I thought the cameraman was slowly sneaking out of the- Out of the movie. Oh, that makes sense. Just trying to do that thing where you like turn into a bit of like a like you melt like a fucking slug and try to like just sell yourself out. So, but yeah, but he's reading the Bible. He's thinking about life. He still has the picture

of him and Madeline together that the one that that Zach has to rip half of he has the full picture. He has the other half of the amulet. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. So, so we cut to to cancer dad at his next appointment and he's like, Hey, look, Doc, who I've known now for three and a half months, I have a reveal. I mean a story, right? Thought about you. Yeah.

So hypothetically, hypothetically, I'm your dad. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha skip you. Yeah. And then Zach, he finished this very blatant, I'm your dad. And he goes, what are you trying to tell me? And I wrote my notes, what the fuck do you think he's trying to tell you man? See, I thought this was them getting back to the Star Wars reference from earlier, because it's for sure. I was like, Zach, I am your father. Yeah, well, now in Zach's defense, the two actors are essentially the same age. So I get why he's surprised. Yeah, and honestly him not believing the dad for way too long was super fucking fun. Yes. By the end of the scene, he might as well have his ears covered and be like,

La, La, La, La, but it's actually better than that. When he tells him this is a cancer appointment, he tells him and be like, la la la la, but it's actually better than that. When he tells him, this is a cancer appointment. He tells him and he's like, get outta here. I'm not gonna cure your cancer. I look like my nose can't go on, get. Yeah, I think there's probably some kind of ethics of violation, but also what the fuck is cancer dad thinking, right?

He's like, he's like, anyway, so I'm the deadbeat dad who left you and never entered your life in any way. Anyway, good luck saving my life with your experimental treatment. So, okay. So now he goes to McKenna's place to see if there's any way they can resolve this entire plot in 15 fucking minutes. Yeah. Right.

Apparently it's Christmas now. Yeah, I really, really wanted him to turn out to be her dad too. Well, give him the way this movie's unfolding so far, you know. I wanted him to be like, my patient is my dad. Can you even imagine having such a weird and appropriate relationship with your doctor as the man who often takes his cancer patients out for pizza with his girlfriend? Yeah, right, right. Yeah, exactly.

And we'll adopt him before the end of the movie. And the fact that she didn't just say fucking what after that. Yeah. And McKenna's advice here is so insane. She basically says and correct me from wrong here. She's like, look, I know you're upset, but you need to get over it immediately. Yes. Right. Right. Now she says in fact, you can't blame him for a mistake. He made 34 years ago. I'm like, he's been making the, it's not a discreet mistake that he made once, right? He's been making the same mistake continuously for 34 fucking years. Like three months ago, he knew this shit.

Yeah. And she, she explains how like Jesus on the cross said, forgive them father. They know what, no, not what they do. And like, there's two angles to that. First of all, Jesus is very clearly doing a, oh, if my dad knew about this, he would beat you guys up, right? You're the Bible, right?

Yeah. It's not admirable. And two, he did know what he was doing. Like, it's not a, Well, and also in three of the four gospels, he actually says something different. Yeah. Sure.

See, I thought she was saying, if you think about it, got abandoned you and your mom long before you were abandoned by your dad. Oh, it's so. Have you considered being mad at the heavenly father? Well, it's so funny because like out of no, like we've had a little Bible reading montage, we've had every say says grace and shit, but out of nowhere, she just Jesus is it up. Yeah. As though they like they found out like three days before they were done filming that whatever dove foundation recommends movies based on how many

times the word Christ is used. Guy comes in for this day of shooting guys. I've got some bad news. Guy comes in for this day of shooting. Guys, I've got some bad news. This is going to have to be a Christian movie. So today's scene is just going to be real weird. Real weird. Yeah. She's hard at work justifying the game inclusion, but also like with let's just acknowledge with terrible advice, right?

Her advice is you have to forgive and love the people that hurt you the most. No, but you don't. Yeah. No. In fact, those are the people you should forgive the least. Right. That should be the last on your list of people to forgive.

That's how badness works. Christ teaches real love, Zach. Christ teaches real love, Zach. You just cure stupid cancer. Like what do you know about it? With your coin flip, chemotherapy. Yeah, right. And of course they end this conversation with him going,

you're right, I should forgive my dad and hurry the fuck up before the credits show up, and then we get a big romantic hug between the two of them. Yeah. And now it's time for, honestly, what I thought you were talking about Eli when you, when you did your best worst. It's time for the part where he has to go in front of the ethics board to pitch his cancer, curing nano radio technology. Right. And I, I would like to say, because you know, we've said a lot of mean things about this movie. I think it's really cool that they let me and Noah write the lines for the members of

the board for the scene. Oh my God. So we get, we open the scene with him going like, yeah, and that's how I'm going to cure cancer. And the board, ladies, objection is she says, well, nothing you've shown us demonstrates that your machine can distinguish between cancer cells and healthy tissue. Nothing he's shown that. That's a pretty big fucking problem.

He's like, I'm just going to randomly zap shit and hope to get a cancer. And he just yells, let me put my dad in a micro way. Yes. His answer is, well, sheesh. Yeah. He goes from zero to 100 on this hospital board instantly. Yes. The whole movie is about what like a controlled thoughtful person he is.

And she's like, cool. So you know how to point your cancer gun, right? And he's like, you fat bitch. I'll kill you with my bare hands. Fight me in the parking lot right now. He screams, look at the day. No, look at it. And I'm just like, right, but she just said that you can't tell which you're sweet. And the best part is it's not even like

they're like, no, you can't have your special cancer microwave. They want him to spend a year on tests. And he's like, I don't have a year. And I wrote my notes to cure cancer. Yes. Right. Yeah. Can you imagine working your entire adult life to cure cancer and then quitting because you have to do it longer? Right. Jesus. Well, of course, but this is the movie version of him getting shut down by big on college. You right?

The idea that the writers had is that this board is just going to forever delay it. So because you know, they're raking in all that sweet cancer money and they don't want the cure to get out. Of course. Of course. So he, he storms off. He's quitting. God damn it.

He's going to cure his cancer on himself with fucking blackjack and hookers or whatever. And he and and then boss lady follows behind him yelling at him. And once again, I have to present the actual exchange. It's so incredibly stupid. It's the best. He says, my treatment is safe and it's viable. And you know that she says, Oh, no, not entirely. And you know it. And he says, don't give me that.

You know it safe. And you know dot, dot, dot. And she says, don't tell me what I know. And then I just wanted to start making out because this is where the sexual attention, sexual attention, finally, oh, it's so tough. So tough.

All right, and then we get a horse. Yup. You're up to fucking horse. So again, this is my favorite horse. Cancer dad now gets up from the fire pit where he was studying the Bible and goes to the barn where childhood Zach was. Now, I want to be clear, the movie wants us to think

this is a different building. Yes, it's just not. So I was like, do they live in the same place and not know what the fuck is happening? Also, by the way, the camera at work and this scene where Zach comes to visit dad, it's like the cameraman was on a shodily maintained carnival ride. It was just nauseous.

Yeah. All my notes here, just all caps, put the goddamn camera on a goddamn tripod. Maybe that's the thing that tripod melted in that last scene and said they're like, well, you have to hold it now. You're dumbass, put it in the fire last time. But Zach's there to break the news. He says, Hey, man, the board is not going to let me cure your cancer because I can't

do it safely. And he's like, Oh, can you just like, you know, can we just do it underground? And he's like, you know what? Do it anyway. I can do exactly that. I might lose my license, but dammit. I'm going to cure your cancer one way or the other. Even if it means this cancer cure gets destroyed and no one else gets their cancer cured,

I'm going to do it to you because you're the man who knocked up my mom and left her in poverty and disillusioned. Yes. Right. This film thinks that cancer hasn't been cured yet because there aren't any maverick scientists out there who go and get the odds. Absolutely. No, that is absolutely what we're supposed to be thinking in this scene, right?

We're supposed to have sympathized with McKenna's world view at this point. Jesus. And then the writer reveals themselves to be under the age of 35 because the dad has this line of like, look at me, even if you care my cancer, I'm still old. I mean, aren't we useless people at this point? Oh my God. No, see, this is the part of the movie I understood and agreed with actually. Super important.

Eli, we're middle aged now. Yeah. No, no. You're assuming I'm going to live. I was called a middle aged woman last year by my dentist. Oh, right. And I was like, darling, middle aged implies that I'm not 95% of the way there. Oh, okay.

For me, you're making a depressing now, Eli. I'm in dog. This is my least favorite joke that Eli does. People are listening back through the archives now and they're like, he knew it's trust me. It's no what? No, well you tell Eli to stop making these. I know what I say. I'm gonna die.

I'm gonna die jokes. Yeah. And okay. And also telling them I'm not speaking to him anymore. You didn't even know how many horses are in this movie. And speaking. I know exactly how many horses there are in this movie. Thank you very much.

How did you like him this week? Well, that just had a weird messy couple fight and then no one turned off the record. Yeah, this is gonna hear that. And speaking of being at death store, this is where the dad says to Zach, he's like, you know, when you're at death store, faith is more appealing. And I'm like, yeah, do you guys think that that's evidence that it's true think that that's evidence that it's true or that it's not truly seriously? Why are you bringing that up? I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but having a gun to your head really opens you up to the person holding the gun.

So he's like, he's like, Zach, can we pray together? And of course he fails to say, okay, but we have to sit back to back. So fuck him. But the dad prays and he goes, he starts off by going like, Jesus, I'm sorry for all of the stuff that I ever did. Just every fucking you know, you know. And then he adds, he goes, also, please help Zach to forgive me. Zach interrupts in mid prayers. Oh, no, I forgive you. I actually, I already have forgiven you. And he goes,

oh, never mind on that. Like cross that one off. Jesus of your list. I, okay. Well, you know what? Since that one's done, I'd like the Broncos to have a better, uh, brother. I'm going to couple a, couple of draft picks. I'd love for them to get Jesus. Jesus. Yes, baby, Jesus, please, please let Zach go ham on my insides with a twisty light bulb. Yes. Also, we're on the subject. So okay.

So then we cut to Zach giving dad his cancer radio, nano monoatomic gold treatment, right? Yeah. You need to be under a giant stand mixer. Also, you need to wear a high hospital ground, but it's okay if you wear your grimy sweats from the street and your shoes, by the way. Yes. Yeah.

They're like, could you change into this hospital gown? And the actor was like, fuck you. And they're like, fair, fair. But also, I have no idea what this machine was, but I feel like it was real medical equipment that was being used to make this movie instead of cure someone of a disease. So I was super duper upset. Yeah. I want to find out where this movie was made.

And be like, Hey, if your cat scan appointment was delayed in the spring of 2017, here are the people you should kick in the balls. I think it was one of those like 3D X-ray things. Okay. All right. Because I've been in something like that. Interesting. It wasn't, wasn't completely like that, but it looked very similar. Braggie. Okay, all right. Because I've been in something like that. Interesting. It wasn't completely like that, but it looked very similar.

Braggie, still kind of pissed. Or that, or it was a mammogram thing without the little pinchy part of it. Okay. Because that's definitely what they look like. Wait, darling, I actually don't know this. Does the mammogram machine swoosh your tit and then twist it?

No, so you know how, when you're going into and it was an elevator and the door closes on your arm, they basically kind of do that, but they don't open it back up on your tit. And then this thing goes like, woo, jeez, jeez, jeez, jeez, jeez, jeez, around it.

So it's like squished, but then there's like a sure, jeez, jeez, jeez, or thing going around it. And then they have to do it at a different angle. This is why Donald James Parker thinks it's fake. So, I'm by like, then we deal with the whole, and yes, he did cure cancer thing like, basically with newspaper spinning into the frame.

Okay, but newspaper as created by like, an AI that was trained for half a set right because the magazine titles are like news. Yeah. Magazine America magazine or quickly. Don't abort your babies because this one cured cancer. The magazine. No, apparently the fucking cure for cancer, the story about the cure for cancer broke on

channel 24 news on a Charlotte like. So. But yeah, but anyway, so the news comes up and it says and then he did cure cancer. I wanted one of the magazines to be horse weekly. Oh, fuck yeah. God, David horse digest at least. The captions just I was there the whole time. Yeah. No, the caption is na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. This answers. And then we get a very quick see where he proposes to McKenna.

And again, because of my best worst, they're like, they show him, like he kneels down and he opens his head, he's got the ring in there and everything. And then the music cuts out for him to go, will you marry me just in case people didn't figure out what that custom meant? Otherwise. So fucking dumb, but yes, she will marry him. And then, oh, we have to wrap up cancer. Clay, well, he's not cancer Clayton anymore. He's just regular Clayton because that cured cancer.

He has hair. Yeah, exactly. He couldn he couldn't do anything about those ears unfortunately. That'll be his next project I guess. If I can say here, I'm gonna need you guys to carry me and tell me what happened during this scene because my notes are in order, they're gonna adopt big ear kid, aren't they? Jesus, those fucking ears are huge. Ears, ears, ears, ears, ears.

Did they adopt him? I literally couldn't hear or see anything they said because of the ears. Yeah, no, this really didn't hide behind his ears. But yes, they're like, do you want to be our kid now? And he's like, yay, hooray for me living and having a family. Yeah. And so, okay.

So we've got one final scene. You think that you know, oh my god, everything that's gonna happen here, but no, it's about to change on you. It's about do a little quick twist, a little flip. So we go out to see cancer, dad. And he's like, oh, hey, you know, you get you're getting married to a mechanic. That's great. You can get married on my big giant rich guy estate. Well, no, first he says, did she say yes? And then before he has a chance to answer, he says, of course, she says yes, because everybody wants to fuck you. Even your fucking dad.

Right, right. And he's like, you can get married here. And he goes to shake Zach's hand except there is no Zach. He was just imagining what is a boredus fetus from 1978 could have been. So, okay, here's my question, because we're about to get a shot of the clinic back in 1978. Is this movie the imaginings of a teenager whose girlfriend is about to get an abortion or an old man fantasizing about the son he would have had.

They're both insane, but I like to go to which we think it is. One way or the other, he imagined the kid into a tragic backstory with a dead mom and an alcoholic absentee, grandpa. Why would you add all that? And just a bunch of unnecessary horses and like I lost love due to like cancer and like a really blinking waitress. Yeah, I really wanted him to turn to the girlfriend

and be like, no, you'll die on the way home from CVS. What? What? I think this was actually the girlfriend's fantasy. And she's like, yeah, that sounds dumb. And then she gets the emotion. Yeah, I don't know. It doesn't work out well for me at all. So we go all the way back.

Yeah, we back to 1978 at the abortion clinic and she goes through with it. She's like, yeah, you know, flashback of a movie or a cure cancer, whatever. I'm going to get the abortion anyway, which is good because like, honestly, if she hadn't, and then the kid hadn't cured cancer, they'd have been disciplined. Like that kid, it was like set up for failure. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Oh, you, uh, you got to job at boss cops, huh?

No, that's boss. No, not, not the few state your father was in when we were 17, but no, boss cops is fine. Cool. That's great for you. So end of the narrator cuts and then he goes, my name would have been Zach Ryan. And I probably would have cured cancer, but my mommy aborted me. I think I was like, if the producer credit in this fucking movie is not Eli's Irish abortion clinic lady voice. I will be surprised. Just a sock puppet in a director's cap turns around to face the camera. And then it gives the name of the aborted

fetus. It's like in memory of a fetus that we retroactively named. Relax, man. We get it. Like your third divorce and your fourth wife was like, you should come to church with me and you were like, I gotta make a movie about that. Baby imported and no one stopped because you live in America. Yeah. All right. So now it seems like it would be obvious,

but given the fact that clearly Madeline's life is better with the divorce, I'm just, I'm curious what you guys think the moral of this story was. He's gonna die of stomach cancer. Oh Jesus Christ. I... Horses cause cancer? Oh, interesting.

Cause like they're often the two are never to be never apart in these Christian movies, you know? No, you're right. Never the Twain shell. Yeah, should be whatever the opposite of me. No, you know, no, you're right. Never the twain shell. Yeah, it should be whatever the opposite of me. No, of course it's got cancer. Okay. All right.

Interesting. I thought it was if your kid doesn't cure cancer, you probably should have aborted them. So, no, that's that's what we found it. We found it. Yeah. All right.

Well, Anna, thank you so much for suffering alongside us. Once again, I know it wasn't the easiest trick or whatever, but it's always great to have you on. It's always fun to have you on. It's always fun to be here. They lay it. That sounded super duper convincing. And of course, if the listeners want to hear more from you,

they should definitely check out D&D minus, but also you've got an incredible album that they could check out as well. Remind me where they should go to find that. Oh, yeah. Anywhere there's streaming services, streaming services. Awesome. Yep, that's the word.

Anyway, anywhere you get your streaming, streaming music. It's called The Ring by Anna Bosnick. Right, but don't Google The Ring because then you get the movie. Yeah, sure, sure. I wrote an album about a creepy girl who comes out of a well. No.

But you know, it's a lot of fun. I also really enjoy doing D&D minus, so I highly recommend that show. And I did the music for it, so, you know. Fuck yeah. She did do the music. I don't know if I highly recommend that show. And I did the music for it. So, you know, but yeah. She did do the music. I don't know if you've noticed the credits,

but she did the music. I do. Right, right. Right. Eli just doesn't say it to anybody on the things. You have to go look for it in the credits. Anyway. All right.

Well, I guess that's going to do it for a review of a life changes everything. Meet Zach Ryan. That's not going to do it though for the episode just yet because we still need to return to first positions for the next one. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well Moa, next week is Easter.

And so in the very Christian, Easterry spirit Christian, we'll be watching the 1972 creature feature night of the lepus. Oh, okay. Well, actually, no, in this instance, I am 100% down first. The rabbits Easter Christian. Yeah, no, that counts. That counts. Absolutely. Hey, I'll tell you what rabbits have as much to do with Easter as they have to do with our fucking show. Anyway, yeah. So that's that's fair. Thank you. So with all that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode three 98 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Anna

for hanging out with us tonight. And perhaps even a huge, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help me the show go. If you'd like to get yourself among them, make a perfect episode of donation at patreon.com.com. So I've got offline, there by your normal access to an ad free version of our episode. You can also help attempt by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out the sibling shows, the Skating Aideost citation data, D&D minus and the Skaepakrat available wherever podcast live.

If you have questions, comments, or suggestions, you can email us on www.katoffelmovesagemail.com. Tim, our representative takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written in the form of Ryan Slotting, the drafts on Mars, all the other memes we were written in the form of our audio engineer Morgan Carcom was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen right nail I Bosnick, I'm no illusions from his to work harder, or another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. None of the unaborted babies since 1978 ever went on to cure cancer, but the stem cells

recovered from a certain abortion would end up coming in very handy. Clayton never saw butterflies at any point in this stupid fucking movie. Why bring it up? Josh Zach Ryan actually would have been super hitmer. See movie? We can both do the stupid thing. The preceding podcast was production of Puzzle and a Thundersdorm LLC Copyright 2023. All rights reserved.