God Awful Movies - 40: GAM040 More Than Chance

Episode Date: May 24, 2016

In this week's episode, Eli, Noah, and Heath team up once more for an atheist review of More Than Chance; the story of a young girl crippled by child abuse and really bad screenwriting, who eventually learns to overcome her disabilities and follow her dreams through a combination of Jesus and not dreaming very big. --- Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page.

And like fucking Wilford Brimley from the diabetes commercial, she whispers, homemade Amish Fudge. She, I have whispered things into the ears of my victims with less intensity, joy and madness than this actress whispered the words, homemade Amish Fudge. Just forward to this scene and watch this woman say homemade Amish Fudge. Like it's the last lines of saving private Ryan. It's fucking amazing. God awful.

Movie. Who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me who me is my good friend Heath and right Heath welcome back disabled people are the best do not say that enough just good people so my best friends are disabled so my best mother's as well and sitting nine hundred eighty nine miles to my right again yeah we're not in the same room together anymore is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli how are you this fine afternoon sir I'm doing pretty good I'm excited for some hate mail we just might generate it and if you're wondering why you'll know in a second because I'm about to ask Keith What will we be breaking down today? Okay, we watched more than chance it's a movie about a

Parplegic young girl who wants to be a ballet dancer and that's That's pretty much all I'm going to say for the rest of the episode. So, there you have it. The boom boom boom boom. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, here's the thing. When I watched the trailer for this movie,

I was excited for the chance to make fun of a handy-capped little girl with dreams. That's what my aim's brought. But unfortunately, there's very little to make fun of a handy cap little girl with dreams. That's what my aim's brought. But unfortunately there's very little to make fun of about that element of the story. Little handy cap girl has dreams. Fine. None of that's terrible. Everything else about this movie is terrible. And if you were thinking to yourself how could they make fun of a little handy cap girl? It's just terrible. How could you do

that she's she's overcome her disability well you wait and see how she gets puppeted much like the Marianne that she physically looks like to scout terrible evil ideas throughout the film here's all I'm saying before you tweet at me and you're gonna watch this movie. Watch them just very obviously hand this little girl a script and be like, yeah, and then you're gonna tell everybody that sin is sin. And we're gonna have you do it because only three people in the universe will bring it up. But you're listening to them. You're listening to them. I just want to remind everybody that our podcast was not preloaded on your phone. You chose this. He's at the door. Now, is there anything anybody would care to nominate

this movie for being the best at being the worst at before we get going? Hmm. I'm going to say best worst casting because this entire cast has about three last names if you check on it. It's like they cast the movie with a pyramid scheme like in a trailer park. Can I go with worst crippling scene? I mean, I don't want to spoil anything, but can we go worst crippling scene? I believe we can. I wanted to go for a worst effort to get to 90 minutes. I think this was the high school kid trying to make the page count with wide margins of filmmaking okay this is how bad this was

in between every shot the scene blacks out for no fucking reason in between every single scene for varying length for between like thirty and sixty-six exactly exactly to get them to the sixty minute or the ninety minutes that they wanted, it was fucking amazing. All right, well, I can sense that Eli's damning up a lot of jokes that are even too inappropriate for this podcast, so we're gonna turn the microphones off quick while we can't

get those out of his system, and when we come back, we'll break down all the scenes that are more than chance. I got no strings on me. Hahaha! As we were watching this film, we couldn't help but notice that the movie seemed to use Kelsey's condition as a crutch for some terrible ideas. And when we see a good thing here at God awful movies, we like to use it for ourselves. So we'd like to present you with some unpopular opinions of ours under the guise of a child with a disability.

Hi, I'm Little Timmy. I got the black lung from this coal mine I work in, but if you get in the front of the line at Starbucks and II veteran who fought the Nazis, but I lost my eyes doing it. Gilmore Girls is a stupid show about stupid people who make stupid choices, and I hate everything about it except Melissa McCarthy. Nobody cares how much heroin and fucking wine and cereal you want. Ugh, dear the ring cuts. Well hello there, I'm Jillian. I'm a little girl who was born inside out. Every morning I have to open my eyes by reaching up my nose and prying my eyelids open from the inside of my skull,

and I just want to say that the new Star Wars movie was overrated repetitive fan service garbage. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to start this with stupid people trying to express its cold art sully. Yeah, basically the director turned to his AD and was like Thomas, Kincaid painting. Yeah, right. For how long, man? For as long as we can do it. Ten minutes?

Twenty minutes? Yeah, sure. Yeah, we open up on the training cabin from Rocky 4 oh well right in the middle girl to wheelchair with a log on her back to roll it get up your son of a bitch cuz Mickey loves you no Meredith's furthers that was close enough I guess Burgess I love to that they just applied there there There you go, there you go, I knew you had it. I call him Meredith Burgess all the time. I don't think you even quite got that last time.

I don't think you had basically those syllables more or less. So, but I love to that on this scene, instead of just like waiting for it to snow, they apply this little snow filter afterwards that is about as realistic as filming through a snow globe. Yeah, I was going to say why didn't they just like shake up some glitter inside a water bottle and hold it in front of the camera with the dissonny label still showing. It's just like Brian do you want to take the label off?

Fuck you. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. Can we get anyone else ever for any of you going to time? No. No real people work on real movies you get Brian. So we are apparently in the Amur region of Russia in December of 2000. There is no reason that we need to know this. I guess they just figured movies sometimes have words on the bottom so they put those

ones there. And we're meeting poor Russian lady with a baby. Yeah. And basically this movie wouldn't be complete in its poisonous message if they didn't have an easy bit of pro-life propaganda at the very beginning. Yeah, or a PSA or a full blown Russian PSA against abortion. I thought it was a pro-choice ad.

I felt like it was heavily pro-choice because freezing and starving a baby anyway. Oh, my friend Masha, I am so poor. I very clearly should not have this baby here. Have mother Teresa trading card or whatever. What? What she gives her? No, you should not have this baby. Well, but that's the thing.

The message here in this movie right off the bat is, yes, you're too poor and yes, you can't afford this baby, but you don't worry You can adopt it. It's not like so many break its back or anything don't worry They're gonna monitor really carefully who gets your kid. This is not a huge source of sex trafficking in the world No, it's it don't worry about it and so we get to the adoption agency here where we're meeting like the these parents and the dad's name is Brad and Brad is Athlete hosting Saturday Night Live bad. Yeah. Oh my fucking guy He's gonna make the rest of the acting in this movie bearable Spoiler alert Brad is going to turn out to be little wheelchair girls, older brother in real life?

And real life, yeah. So that's why he's in this movie. If you're wondering, hey, what did that guy do? He's the older brother of the person this movie is about. That's what that guy did. All right, and he looks like G. of the honor of B.C. overdosed on melatonin or something. Yeah.

You know how Michael Ian Black looks like he just lost a boxing match to a Botox needle This dad looks like Michael Ian black before all the Whatever the fuck made a space look like that And so we have to establish that this guy's an asshole so the first thing he says when he sees the baby is say good By an arrest Russia kid and the mom's like tone-up center upset her is like there's no fucking way even if she spoke english that in english yeah right but even even if you said it rush there's no fucking way she could

know what say good by the rush means that two years old right it's not only does she speak english but she speaks like colloquial english yeah but his response isn't like oh yeah sorry I should be more sensitive he's like this baby needs to man the fuck up bitch I'm the time to cuddle this to your old It's pretty much it yeah, and then we're the fuck out we cut to him drinking at a bar So you know he's no good. Yeah drinking beer from a Collins glass

Sorry small thing but come on But at every little drop, right? Because like when we cut to him, he's trying to shake that last drop out. Right. Clearly he resents his daughter. It was, that was mom's idea. Yeah. Well, Steven Segal's dad plays the bartender here.

Yeah. He does. He looks like chief running a tab. And he basically is like, yeah man, how's your daughter that you adopted 45 seconds ago and he's like, I don't know, I didn't want an adoptive kid. And the idea that someone managed to adopt a kid, I mean, I know this is based on a true story,

so it's just mind-boggling to me, that someone managed to adopt a kid because my little sister's adopted. There's so much fucking paperwork that, way way way before that moment someone should have been like Hey, man, you're cool with this right? There's home visits and paperwork I mean, I don't know if they did this sort of under the table like they went and visited Minsk and got some furs And then they just stopped by Agubaga Bog to get a baby in the way home like an impulse purchase Like the baby was a Kit Kat bar at the grocery line. You're like, one of those two. Give me a five hour energy too, perfect.

Yeah. And sorry, just going back to this bartender for a second, I had a man's dance nighter's Native American friends. It's pretty close. Chee-fronted tabs. It's nice to know that Tonto got work after he stopped working with a lone ranger. That's all the same. And it's nice to know that quasi-modo got laid eventually too. And so now we cut to acronym HIO. Could be worse,

not by much, but it could be worse. And mom is heading off to work with basically the words, hey Brad, don't cripple our adopt a daughter while I'm out. Genuinely this is the key. Do this scene with me because people aren't going to, he, do this scene with me. Are you ready? I'm ready. Okay, I'm gonna go to work now. You're not gonna You're not gonna cripple our kid, right? No, I told you no, we said I said I would not pinky swear Pinkie swear and I've left the room I crippled I crippled our kid Yeah, holy shit. Yeah, okay Now I just want to say in advance of this scene there is nothing funny about breaking the spine of a two-year-old girl ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It is horrible, but if you stage it, if you let three people who just got into a boss accident like wander in and be like, Hey, you write the script for this part. It's going to come across as funny. This is the weirdest. I mean again, it is

Seconds after we see her walk out. Yeah, the cripples is adopted daughter. It's seconds. It's crazy. They treat it like, you know, don't spill on the rug while I'm gone Yeah, I won't uh and then 10 seconds later I spilled yeah I paralyzed the child from the waist down. This is like amazing when my fiance walks out of the apartment And then she forgets her keys and comes back in and I'm already like lowering myself onto the pair of anguish And I'm like Strap's across my chest and she's like I forgot I'm like wow how do you get into that so fast under my clothes I'll forget your keys I feel like this is on you it's the me jerking off when you leave a room of abusing a child yeah yeah I was thinking the same thing and the scene begins

with she's two and she's playing on her little drum and He's like stop it and so the first 20 minutes of this I'm about to abuse my child scene are she plays the drum He turns up the volume. She plays the drum. He turns up the volume I wonder there be shots of the toddler's face like she sees the volume going up But she's like motherfucker Because that's what it looks like they're having a drum slash television off She sees the volume going up and she's like motherfucker BAP BAP stop drumming. And instead of going taking the drum away or whatever, taking the drum stick away, he lifts her up and the way we see that he's abusing her is we see her feet kicking, kicking, and then not kicking. Like he hung her from a fucking news that he has there.

Yeah, exactly. I was just gonna say it fucking new city hat there, yeah. Exactly. I was just gonna say, it's like, you know, you know how when like Gary Busy kills someone and leave the weapon one and you just like see them struggling and then they stop, that's what they went for in this movie about child abuse. They were like, what's the most effective way to convey the horrors of child abuse?

I know every lynching scene from every cowboy movie. Would have been more realistic if you bit the back of her neck and shook her to death like a dog having a witch-hucks. Yes. Ticulous. So now we've got, so we cut to, I guess the more or less main character of this movie who looks remarkably like all the other female characters in this fucking movie. How many middle-aged brunettes do you expect me to keep track of? Anyway, so we cut to the mom character. I don't know if she ever gets a name and she's getting a phone call from the fucking teacher from Charlie Brown. There's exactly, I wrote mom on the other end of the phone as the Charlie Brown teacher.

Unfucking real. Yeah, and mom looks like Adrian Brody just went through menopause. Like earlier today. Like earlier today, Adrian Brody had a bunch of menopause happened. This actress, every time someone sees her, they go, you look tired.

Yeah, right. Yeah, and she is mildly perturbed by the paraplegia, I guess, that she's getting called about the little girl that got her back broke, because she's going to need a foster home to stay in and It's just she again. This is a very serious subject, but she's talking so mildly and like it's just church gossip She's like, and you know what else? I heard that Shannon's preserves. She actually buys them from the store You know what else I heard? I heard that her husband crippled their daughter. Did I bury the lead? I buried the lead. Like the same intonation as you would be like, mmm she's cheating on him. She seems mildly

irritated by the fact that this man just crippled a child for life. And now keeping in mind that we just established in that last scene with a phone conversation that this little girl has been crippled for life We're gonna now establish the fact that this little girl's been crippled for life with another scene Where George Lucas's spore just got out of surgery and he's chatting with fat Josh Hartnett Yeah, it's like this doctor looks like Josh Dugger was like can you make me look more rapying the ten million dollar man music started to play we have the technology yeah so uh... she's paralyzed in the plot finally gets rolling well if you insist but i also love the fact that they've established at this point now

four different times that this poor girl came all the way from russia just to get paralyzed so now we cut to the good mom and dad that are going to be our foster parents in bed wondering if they're ready for this and the dialogue here is god damn priceless the dad literally says to the mom these this is i went back and wrote this down you understand that providing foster care for a paraplegic child is a big responsibility that's his actual fucking line. They're speaking in book report. Yeah, and she's like, I'll walk her every day. I'll take super good care of her. You won't have to do anything. I promise.

So yeah, and then she, of course, we have to, we have to kind of maybe hint that God has involved here. She's like, well, just, I just, what are the chances that we would find out about this girl right now? And I'm like, it was on the news and you watch the news so Really fucking I she saw the story on the news so now she's gonna parent that child This character strikes me as someone who buys shit on QVC, you know We'll have three paraplegic daughters left also. I just want to point out me and he'd have the exact same note about the husband's physical appearance And I'm very proud of that. We both think he looks like some variation of Bobby Moynihan.

I say Bobby Moynihan's dad. Yeah, already Lang fucked Bobby Moynihan's. He wasn't aware of that. And at the end of the scene, they have to hint that like, they've taken care of a handicapped kid before because they keep talking about Stacey what we did take care of stacey if you're wondering hey are they ever gonna tell us who stacey was? Nope No, I definitely want to circle back to this remind me I want to circle back to the disabled kid that they clearly murdered and are not talking about you

I tell you what instead of tweeting us how mad you are about the jokes we make in this episode, tweet us what you think happened to Stacy. Hashtag, what happened to Stacy? Hashtag Stacy's choice. And they're so casual about it too. They're like, yeah, we did fuck up that other disabled girl Stacy who adopted, but, you know, let's try again, whatever. To be fair, she didn't put the lotion in the basket.

She's just, also it brings up the question. Does she want to adopt everything she sees on the news? She's just like, oh, that house burned down. We have to buy it. We have to buy it. We can't, everything on the news. We don't have to, oh, look at the zoo. We have to own the zoo now.

So now we're gonna move over to the jail so we can check back in with abusive dad and I just wrote in my nose prison rate prison rape but no unfortunately it's just a visitation with the mom who's apparently still kind of mythed about the breaking of the child. Yeah and he is dressed like the fucking hamburger. You could not be more staring. I expected like a giant ball and shame to be attached to his angle That's the only way this could have been more stereotypical Right so he's he's asking her you know, can you forgive me for Did paralyzing our child so it's not like I raped you and

I just wrote down but loving the bad man was just like right next to them I just wrote down but loving the bad man was just like right next to them. He's I'm telling you all Christian movies share the same universe. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. You think if they came out with Sophie's choice now, they would do like the Captain America Iron Man thing, you know, team daughter, team son. Oh, that would be pretty awesome. Crazy building their money.. And they're money. So yeah, and again, I cannot stress how bad Brad's acting is this guy should not get a call back for his own selfies. It is, it's almost as bad as the dialogue.

I can't decide which is worse between the dialogue and the acting because he literally goes, can you, would you forgive me for this? Yeah, but her acting's not much better because she looks like Monica Lewinsky gained back the weight and she's like I don't know. I want to forgive you to which point I wrote why about eight hundred and fifty thousand times in my notes. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why though? And so every time this character appears on screen through the rest of the movie, it's only one more time. I go, but why?

But why though? But remember when you said that question, why? Why did you want to? Yes, but Frumpy Juno apparently is through with him and she wanders out of his life and basically out of this movie, what making you wonder why the fuck we didn't have it though. She wanders off into the prison. She's supposed to have been visiting him and she just like gets up and goes where? Who the fuck knows? She just goes to cell block see gets locked all the way. They don't just let you wander off into the prison when you're done with

your through the glass phone call. So now we get back to the good family that is taking in the little girl whose name is Kelsey by the way They haven't told us that yet, but eventually they do so I'm retroactively telling you and they're like, you know Sleeping all night by her bed to make sure that she's okay and it's you know and apparently they also have Poisoned Bible rapture disease from left behind because they speak only in whispers through this scene I wrote my notes Hey, you guys know when they whisper you have to adjust the sound on the boom and stuff, right? Like you can no They know I guarantee you for this scene when they filmed it

They just had the boom guy like creeping closer to them and it's just like I don't know do this in normal movies I just get like a super boom, huh? We'll just we'll just screen screen out the boom just get it really close get really close press it right up against your face you saw that right for movie right yeah right i was gonna say but that's what the camera man does through most of it so there probably wasn't room for the boom operator to get that close um... so yeah so there we we just we see them good parenting and then we cut to the uh... the adoption

agency guy grilling mom lady about uh... about the daughter yet child protective services sent um... pat and oswald minus five crunches to explain that paraplegic abuse victims need slightly more involved parenting the normal yeah yeah he does it well suddenly curving the frog huff some sulfur hexafluorite or whatever. I'm assuming at some point he was like, yeah, remember how you fucked up that girl?

Stace? I feel like this is a noob about her here. We really have a one strike system. I don't know how to tell you this. Also, this movie first they sum up the plot and then she's so indignant and offended that child protective services are doing their job. She's like, well, do you have a safe environment? Oh, dear! You ask if I have a safe environment for this job.

Well, it's just the last environment this kid got put in, the guy severed her spine, so we're trying to be better, you know. What's bitten? We're on a strike one system too, if you know what I mean. Am I right? I'm sure mom walks up to the director says what's my motivation he says adder all here take six also by the way they have the kid already right yeah so they let you like sort of adopt a kid and then sometimes take it back so when you get a mattress and you have a trial, but you know, they're the foster parents at this point. They haven't.

They have a nobo's. Yeah, exactly. Try on these kids. But nobo's not like forward slash. No, we don't actually. Yeah, no, no, that's a bit, they're my version. I'm not, yeah, exactly. No, we just got a bunch of emails.

No, no, no, no, no. So there's this bizarre thing going on in this scene, basically, where we're supposed to be mad at how thorough the child protective services are being after we just saw what can go wrong if they're not that. I had no idea what emotion I was supposed to walk away from this scene with. Right, and her argument is,

we're gonna get a van and everything. What the fuck do you want from us? You can't get expensive. That ramps everywhere. That's irritating. That's not gonna look nice on the front of the house. That was pretty much it. Getting this kid even though her legs work is a desk toying.

So now we've got the dad working on his car to royalty-free music. Yeah, her monologue here is basically the grasshopper from the A-SOPs Fables. You know, I grew the wheat, I cut the wheat, I cut the wheat, but with, you know, a handicap kid who she can't take care of. Yeah, well, and that's so amazing because, okay, so obviously this movie was written and directed by the woman that she's playing, or, you know, the woman who wrote this character as herself or whatever so like this Woman was not even able to make herself look good in the movie that she wrote and directed because she comes off like a goddamn

Hottie bitch in this right like how dare they want her to be in a good home. Yeah dad literally says We want what's best for her right and mom's like Pass no The puppy that we picked out at the store. Right. And by the way, since you mentioned it, we should point out that the plot of this movie is that these people made a movie just about how great they are for adopting a kid. Yes, that's what this move, this woman sat down and she was like,

I should write my story. What's the plot of this story? I don't know, I'm super awesome. I took in a kid, even though it was like 50% broken. Am I great? Yes. That's 90 minutes, right? Indeed, it will be. It will be 90 straight minutes of, look how great we are. Yeah, exactly.

So much easier without a conflict. I guess because patting yourself on a back doesn't last ninety minutes that that would she does it yeah and now we're going to cut to christmas dinner where they're listening to some royalty free music and discussing more exposition christmas christmas don't sue us christmas christmas time it is right now. This is like if you held a gun to the back of my head,

that's how the entire soundtrack of this movie is. The first movie, we touched on it briefly, but the first song while he's repairing it is literally just someone going, I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you. Again, if there was a flash cut to the guy recording this, just this, you could just see the barrel of a 45 of his head as he just desperately strums out whatever chords.

He can remember from third grade band. That's pretty much it. So we get an entire dinner party scene with maybe 60 people in order to establish literally one sentence of exposition. And unnecessary sentence of exposition. Which we already knew. They're thinking about adopting another child. We already kind of knew this.

So we get about five minutes of this dinner party just literally not talking and clearly watching a camera guy move around the room and we're in angles. And then finally, mom starts talking like they were in the middle of a conversation she starts with and then yeah after all this time the echoey silence it's like opening a eulogy with an end fan any who's will be oh dude I hope you outlive me speaking of echoey now we're gonna go to the echoey's footsteps of all time this is ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha this movie because the judge is on the bench, but the like the dad who's on trial is very clearly just in a boardroom. He is not in a, not in a, I'm like when you were shooting the judge,

why didn't you just turn the cameras, the other, what was going on on the other side of the room? Were they filming two Christian movies simultaneously and it was like a David R. White movie had rented the jury side for that day. You guys took the jury side for that day No sorry clearance kill you. It's about to kill it in this debate Rest my case

I gotta say this scene though I honestly this was a goose bumpy scene for me because they just have this judge who sounds like a drunken fucking up at but that doesn't matter because he's describing like how awful it was for this little girl in the abuse and everything in their sentencing to him to like thirty two years in prison or whatever and this was like this bizarrely like poignant moment in the middle of this ridiculous fucking movie uh... but i'll give credit where credits do this was goose bumby

And it establishes that breaking your daughter's spine is bad very Oh, I see it. I wrote in my notes. Hey, I wonder if this kid's legs work nobody talks about it What are she was flown all the way from Russia just to get her back broken tiny moment the judge does do a very good Performance in this scene whoever played the judge did a very good job tiny moment the the judge does do a very good performance in this scene whoever played the judge did a very good job Tiny moment though he does tell the story of they showed a photo of the kid's father and she started screaming and freaked out Where was that idea who was like hey? Let's show her a photo of the guy who broke her spine What intern bet was that you won't?

Oh Broker spine What intern bet was that you won't Oh fuck that did not go well guys Did not go well I'm gonna get in trouble you gotta tell him that you told me to do it. No you got a you got a Although I've been informed by many tweets that that was better for her that that was better I say yeah exactly surprising her with that exposure therapy fucked a trigger warning she was getting fantasized by being paralyzed yeah so that and of course she's sitting outside the courtroom the whole time so on the way out some man hugged her we have no idea who this is we've never met him we will never see him again

just up i swear that that was just some guy and they kept the shot. I was like, here's the person who can't resist. Hug, hug, hug, hug, and off to my chemical castra. I want so badly after they cut for that girl to be like, hey the front of my iron lung thing, whatever you got me in, is all sticky. I don't know what just happened, but I need someone to be keeping a little bit more careful watch over Kate Oggo over here. She took to random old man hug guy from the hallway, from the court house.

Yeah, he hugged me. Well, that's what happens. And that's why he's here at the courthouse. Yeah. Here's a photo of him. Alright, so now that we've spent all of this time establishing that character, where he's here at the courthouse, yeah. Here's a photo of him. Fuckin' talk. Fuckin' talk. Ha ha ha ha. All right, so now that we've spent all of this time establishing that character,

we're gonna have an entire movie about somebody else. And that's gonna start at Charles Xavier's Christian School for Gifted Youngsters, where we're gonna meet Melissa. And she is a rebellious teen. Is it isn't she though? And we know that she crosses her arms in the presence of adults can you fucking believe Cross arms at bitch and Melissa looks like

Lindsey Lohan got turned into a naked mole rap Almost exactly. I think Lindsey Lohan did get turned into a naked mole wrap, but that's just my opinion. I tried to cure her leukemia with meth after. It kind of worked. And I, okay, so like again, the podcaster and me coming out here, but they didn't seem to give much of a shit where the microphone was in relation to the person speaking. Did they? Yeah, I wrote nice of them to record the sound from the room next door, so as not to disturb the actors. Yeah, right. It's okay, guys.

We'll just do it in here. We got room tone and everything. Yeah. So what we're getting here is, Melissa's being checked into the Makahakaluki Christian Academy by her probation officer, because she got kicked out of her other school for were never going to say

yeah something but and her probation officer looks like ronda rousey's compromising mom and the uh... the uh... school principal has the exact mannerisms of a man selling an earned a walter in the dude and he's basic his conversation with her basically goes, now, are you going to behave yourself? And she's like, I'm rebellious. I'm a problem team.

My dad is dead. Like, and he's just like, pinkie swear you'll be good. And she's like, what? And he's like, pinkie swear. And she's like, what? And he says, good talk. Yeah, that's, that yeah that's here's your student handbook full of Jesus you will never see me as a character again no

but we're done with me and I've got to say Melissa is so far the best actor in this movie because she's only like five seconds behind normal human speech patterns she's the Merrill Streep of this movie. She just blew him away in the audition. She just says her lines almost right after we do. How did she do it? Fast. Ha ha ha.

You could barely even fuck the gaps in her dialogue. Yeah. So, and then, of course, we've got to get her at school meeting the cute guy. Chris. Chris has changed our face. Oh, yeah, right. Right. Chris, it's supposed changed outfits? Oh yeah, right, right.

Because you're supposed to be the next scene, right? Yeah, it is the next scene, but. Right. And I just put in my notes, get as close to their faces as possible. Oh my God. Oh my God. The fucking, apparently the goddamn cameraman was doing the forbidden dance with these actors as he was filming this.

Yeah. Also, this is where we get introduced to Fat Friend who's going to be on the basketball team and whatever. Yeah. She is amazing. And I will tell you the best game in the world to play. If you wait to hear the episodes and then you watch the movies, every time that character speaks, scream at the screen, shut up, Fat Friend. and it always works. She always looks like she heard you say that and stops talking and wanders out of frame. Because this character for the rest of the movie comes on and she's like, Hey guys, you know Subway has five for one coupons and you're like,

shut up fat friend and then the actress looks as a prize like she can hear you and wanders off screen. It's the best. It is better than any Rocky Horror picture show screening. You will ever go to do yourselves a favor. This movie is on Netflix. You will love it. Yeah, no, that's good. So then yeah, so she meets Chris who she's eventually going to fall in love with and some other people friends that she's not very good at making friends with her whatever anyway. Then we cut to Akron orthotic solutions where apparently there's a gang of atheist hoodlums that hang out in front of the orthopedics lab. Uh, yeah, fat Mexican steve and teen mom, Nikki Glazer here to be doubting God right on the doctor's front.

So mom is terrified. Yeah, so she's wheeling Kelsey in there and there's this long, slow, like, oh, fuck, they're gonna rape us, aren't they? Oh, God, we're gonna get raped. Kelsey, I don't want you to take this the bad way, but I feel like you've already sort of gone through some trauma and you know,

you know, if the boat's got a hole in it, you got a man and ship. So I'm going to push you at them and then I'll be back to pick you up at three. Also, for the scary teenagers, I guess the costume notes they were going for was insane clown posse without the makeup. Right, but they're good Christians, so of course they hold the door for her and she's able to go in but I thought mom was right to be scared because if my atheist gang from high school was there we would have beat the shit out of that disabled girl. It's true. Yeah this for me has kind of a go fuck your prejudices

moment the the bad kids hold the door for the handicapped girl and then we're in the waiting room where we find out for the first time that Kelsey is by far the best actress in this fucking movie the little girl the whale chair she like genuinely seems to be saying these words more or less yeah she's there again the things I thought I would get to make fun of in this movie disappointingly not the little girl with a handicap. She's a pretty decent actress She's gonna spew some poison later in the movie, but she could not more obviously be reading it off cue cards As we'll see but she does a pretty good job. She's here for a back brace She hates that she grows out of them and sort of has a

Generally good scene with Melissa even though Melissa seems to be reading her lines off her phone. I mean, it seems pretty decent. And so basically what happens is, so Melissa is there. So we learned in the last scene that Melissa is a troublemaker. We never learned what she did. We just knew that she got mixed up with some bad characters. Double homicide, maybe. Smoked some pot of the party also maybe

say never find out we just know that her mom wasn't happy with what she did so part of her parole so we can assume she committed a crime right because you don't get a parole officer unless you committed a crime now they switch a couple of times it's her parole officer sometimes in her probation officer the other times like they don't know that those are two different things. Right, so now it's a probation officer in this scene. Right, so part of it is her community service at this orthopedic place,

and she gets called into the room with a little girl, just to keep her company, I guess. And she's such a bitch that she just jumps on her phone and starts texting instead. Right, and then Kelsey gets all snippy with her. Yeah, Kelsey stares, listen, this girl throws some manger shade in this movie. That is her main function in this film.

Oh yeah. Is to throw the shadiest of shades. The library is open for this little girl. Well, she takes advantage of the whole, oh, I'm in a wheelchair. You can't fuck with me. Yeah, exactly. And we learned that because like she's being all bitchy with Melissa and Melissa looks up like,

but she's just not hard enough to be bitchy to the cripple kids. So instead, she agrees to come watch her do physical therapy one day. Right, because she's on the phone with her mom, Melissa's on the phone with her mom, and she's like, mom, I did my homework, God, I'll see you at home. And then she's like, you weren't supposed to be on the phone you should be nicer your mom and she's like don't tell me what to do and she's like I'm gonna be a ballerina and then there's this awkward moment where you can see the actress be like oh yeah cool good luck with that yep I feel like all the words I could say are offensive here

And so then we cut to Melissa go into Kelsey's therapy at her home just come into her home to watch her do therapy Because why the fuck not and I got it admit Kelsey's being kind of a bitch about being peril We're gonna work on getting you into her chair, she's like, no, I don't want to. But luckily, Melissa decides to fix things with a quick anecdote. With the story, this story, okay, so this is something that I tend to do, but it's never been caught on film, is if I get too high, the way that I cover it is trying to tell an amusing story but if I'm too high it comes out the way it's less a story and her story is basically one time I wanted to play with bigger kids than me and then I did the end that's like me trying to buy something at Dwayne Read

after I've hit that guerrilla I'm just like, okay. Oh, she's asking which credit card I want to use. One time I walked up downstairs and then I was on a different floor. I'm acting so natural right now. I'm nailing it. Hand pull a change to the face, run away. Yeah. So her literal story is, I used to want to play with the big kids, but I was scared and then I did. So I did. And that is all it takes to inspire Kelsey to have the courage to try to get into the wheelchair All by herself and she does to which and we've all written this down in her notes to which Melissa says I think that deserves a girls night out and how bad do we want to cut to them doing shots at a strip club? Oh, yes, just Kelsey flopped around on top of Channing Chatham's shoulders

I don't care if I can feel it get your face in there There's the wagon around Throw me against that pole. Oh So now so that's what you picture Kelly Kelsey pole dancing after they said that line, you're a liar, you're a liar. You all pictured it. I'm just the one brave enough to say it. Hi, you live in a disturbing world, sir, I'm disturbing

disturbing world. You ever to row a stretch, I'm strung at the wall. Oh God. Blam, Blam. Oh, I'm trying so hard to get out of this scene. I really am. So now we've got mom playing the piano, or pushing the buttons on the piano, or whatever. And Kelsey wants to learn to play the piano too.

Now we need this shot because we are never going to address whether she learned to play the piano or whatever and Kelsey wants to learn to play the piano too. Now we need this shot because we are never going to address whether she learned to play the piano, the piano will never come up again. But whatever, we're going to get this scene anyway. She should have been playing the drums. I think that was the biggest part of her problem in the show is she's a better drummer. So yeah, apparently mom's been playing the piano for years. It certainly doesn't show. Yeah, mom is like she's like That's really impressive and mom is playing

CDCD D-E-D-E CDC Yes, that's a little no-she plays and by the way Christian movie bingo or god awful movies bingo. This is where Anna left the room She was like what the fuck is that and just got up and left so Anna was insulted not by the child abuse of this movie, Anna left the room she was like what the fuck is that and just got up and left so i had a was insulted not by the child abuse of this movie but by the damaging also and i had a lot to say about how this little girl was not learning

piano the right way but we'll get to that oh yeah no no i was i was in this and like that's not at all a good way that doesn't help you at all you just learn to push buttons at that point yeah uh... so yeah but she gives some platitudes about how special she is the mom does. And then she gives her some shit for saying funner. Because that's not a word. Funner is a word. Don't need legs to use a dictionary. No sympathy. I wrote my notes here. Platitudes, unimpressive talents, and pointless bitching about grammar. Grandma's Facebook, the movie. He lied Bosnix story. Except for that last part. Except for that last part. So then mom actually sits her down and teaches her the piano and the way she teaches her the

piano is to combine keys that we can assume she does not know with finger positions that we assume she does not know. She's like, yeah, what you're gonna do is you're gonna hit the C key and Kelsey looks at her like oh and should I just fucking into it that Then you're gonna use the fifth finger position and by the way at this point my fiance is sitting next to me screaming Oranges under your hands or oranges under your hands because both of these actors have the form of someone who's been thrown Against the piano and the last scene of enough. Like Jennifer Lopez should have sweeped the leg under both of these actresses. That's how bad the form was. Yeah, no, I was honestly going a little nuts on that myself.

So now we go over to Melissa's house so that we can reestablish the fact that she has a bad relationship with her mom. Who is about two years older than Melissa and from a different race? Yeah, something like that. Something like that. She was like a young, talentless, Julia Sweeney. On second, she's the live-action version of the mom from the JW video. Oh, I see.

We found a sloppy, drug addict version of Rachel, but like in all the good ways. Yeah Letter neglect the shit out of me and we watch them fight and by the way content warning because this fight It's pretty intense. She says Trish homework and then her response is what are you the homework police? And I just went oh Sick burn yeah, and then they speak in internal monologue back and forth. Yeah, right Ever since dad died. I've been rebelling. I'm closing myself off from those emotions. I don't know how to do this I'm projecting. I'm gonna leave Yeah, there's a lot of speaking and character bios in this film.

Yeah. And then the girl sneaks out. Yeah, she goes to hang out with her stoner friends again. But the mom sees her sneaking out. So what? I wrote in my notes, stop her. You're a bad mom. If you want, she, if you care about your kids,

and you don't want her to do that behavior, go stop. She's just looking out the window. She's like, oh, she's putting a belt around her arm and she's injecting heroin she's injecting I'm just gonna shake my head back and forth I am so I'm gonna go Google how to keep your child from doing heroin in the driveway literally I wrote she's gonna go Google how not to be a bad mom and then I wrote oh god she literally is. Yes. It's not a bad mom. And so now we're back to puberty, curment, finalizing Kelsey's adoption. Oh no I'm sorry finalizing the other kids adoption because we have to establish there's another kid

in this um, whatever thing. I guess the reason for this scene though is they felt like the need to walk back that whole adoption agency is a bunch of assholes bit from earlier. Yeah, and I just want to point out that this second kid gets such a rough fingering. Even in the movie that these people wrote, this kid is totally ignored. Oh yeah, you'll see later on they put a scene in where the mom walks over and is like, I loved both my daughters equally. He turns to camera. EQUALLY. But this second kid is just going to be completely ignored to the extent and I will point it out when it happens. Later on, two families will meet and they will forget to introduce the second kit. Yes, yes, they do. Yeah, and

that's actually we got that scene immediately after the adoption where like mom has to sit down with Molly. That's the scene. Right. That's all that's all being a scene together. I feel like we're ignoring you. Right. Yeah. Yeah. She's upset that the crippled kid gets all the cool back braces and stuff. Yeah. Do you want to go to the mall and she said and this is literally she goes Your favorite dinner is at the mall and I was like, oh rough. Yeah, right. It's a dark little insight It's my birthday. Can we go to Panda Express? It's the two for 20 menu at TGI Friday's right now. Love that. I like the juggler there I love that. I like the juggler there.

And then now we're at basketball practice with Melissa. And she's apparently just as bitchy to all the her basketball players as she is to her mother. Yeah. And her basketball team apparently is made up of three girls who just got forced to stop larping. I think because one of them is wearing what appear to be soccer shin guards with 80s leg warmers over them. And all of these people are within seconds of an injury. Yeah, right. Yes. These girls look like they were rejected from the mighty ducks.

Like the mighty ducks were like, I mean, come on now. There's only so much quacking can do. Look, the rebellious teen is going to turn out to be froggy from Daredevil is one thing, but you are having an asthma attack from walking over here to talk to me. And by the way, Fatty McFatfriend does say one line, and if you shout at your television screen, shut up Fatfriend, she will shut up and walk away looking for something. And I could watch her run, she tells them to do suicide, she says, do some suicides and these four actresses look at what is

very clearly the director and he then makes a motion like, come on, just for a second, because I could watch these actresses run for the rest of my natural life. It is better than Jesus' man. It is better that my wedding is in August. It will be better than that. It will be better than anything. I held my sister for the first time. It's better than anything. Because they run like me, like, look,

if you gave me nothing but Indian food for six weeks and then there was a toilet 12 yards away, this is how I would run. Just like, it's all coming out. It's all coming out. Hell or high water. So now we uh we also get to meet Chris's buddies here which is great. Oh yeah yeah a fat medium and a skinny from ice hockey show. And uh they're exciting. They want to play basketball play basketball to have them down as rejected members of the cast of super bad and now we know what happened to sloth

and right yet ok so this fact is going to show up here and there but the way we're going to get introduced to him is that they're talking about the talent show right that the three of these three guys in Melissa and i guess the fat guy is is gonna eat worms for the talent show Because he's fat and that's what fat people do. Yeah, he goes this guy's gonna eat worms in less than 30 seconds It's like how many worms one worm two worm. That's not even a it's just he's just gonna eat worms Why is that oh no?

Yeah, and by the way at this point I know you're listening to the show and you're thinking man They're doing a bad job of describing the plot. No, we are not cuz there is no plot. No No, it's just random shit happening to different people yeah people are like let's reenact all the whole movies we wish we had It's this movie Well, and I mean like I that's a on my nose. I'm like, okay, they're all going to go to the talent show together. Why are we watching this? Right. Uh, but now the fat girls are done doing five suicides. So she sends them for a water break and practices over. Yeah. That's it. You ran back and forth five times. All right. Go

home. Is she dead? Sure is. Great Well, first thing. Her and Chris have to sports together, though. Oh, right. Yeah. Media MISOKI guy wants to play one-on-one against Melissa. So that starts to happen. And then Skinny Guy, they're about to start playing one-on-one. He's dribbling. Skinny Guy decides to distract Chris.

He cups a microphone in his hands and screams directly into it. This blew out my headphones, which did distract Chris somehow. So, let's just steal the ball and proceeds to do the worst layup I've ever seen in my life. And I'm sorry, but a layup is so easy. It's literally a general expression for things that are really rising. It's a layup, I'm saying that. And she makes it put like barely.

Yeah. On the 11th shot. Yeah, exactly. You can tell this was the 18th take. They were like, you know what? If we don't get it this time, we're just going to do lunch and we'll come back to it. Don't worry about it.

Right. So they came back and tried a few more days of that in the guy. Yeah, exactly. As we learn later, I go apparently, we get the outtakes from that moment and later on in the movie. And then we cut to the sky and some royalty-free music box music. Right. My music note here is Steve Bishemi is going to eat this little girl and then steal her music box. This is terrifying. And now we're going to go to Melissa's first therapy appointment. Yeah.

And I wrote my notes, is that the principal? Who is he besides Jewish? And giganically fat. Oh my God, this guy took up the frame. Really super fat. I don't know what kickstarter goal he hit. I know he's never kicked or started anything, but he looks like he's about to get revenge raped by a Swedish golf chair I assume he ate a restaurant's jumbo burger and he got a t-shirt and a part in this movie

I just I wrote in my notes at this point like there needs to be some fucking Jesus in this movie. I'm bored So we watched like a nine-minute therapy session here with Melissa. I'm writing in minus like okay all we're doing now is reestablishing character bios that we've already talked about. If the movie is only exposition then you don't need to expose it. It's like a riddle. Right. And while he was doing this, I wrote in my notes, I wonder if his sincerely held beliefs means he doesn't treat people who jog. Oh.

So then we got to take in a walk with, it's Melissa taking Kelsey for a walk in the park. And I wrote in my notes here, Sound Mixing Note, even the Catholics let you use a windscreen, guys. Jesus won't mind, it's not like a condom. No babies are harmed. If someone accidentally comes nearby and the screen catches it, we just can't make that test.

So she's pushing her around and this is where they very clearly were like Kelsey, Pastor, so and so would really love you to read these lines and Kelsey looked at him and was like this how we're gonna get the movie made and they were like Yup Because this is Kelsey's Prophilitization section of the movie because out of nowhere this girl has never mentioned Jesus her fate She loses all acting ability her face goes slice like they hypnotized her to do this scene This goes slap And she by the way, I want to point out,

we were about 30 minutes into this. And before we did this movie, we were really careful about it. Because if this was just a movie about like a kid who gained hope and believed in themselves, we weren't going to do it. Because I get to make fun of those movies in my free time. But we don't record it and send it out to people. That was a bad idea.

We don't do that anymore. So I was watching the movie. And at this point, they had said pray a couple of times, but it't do that anymore. It was, we were, so I was watching the movie. And at this point, you know, they had said pray a couple of times, but it wasn't super cheesy. And at this point, the movie took a hard right turn into Jesus. Oh, yeah. Because she's like, hey, nice walk. By the way, I'm getting baptized and everyone sins.

And all sin is equal. You will go to hell unless you are baptized. Yes. Yeah, well, and that's, I love it too. She's like, you know, let's chat about death and sins. And she gives the whole, well, God's perfect. So he can't let sin into heaven because those are the rules that the omnipotent guy

is bound by. Makes sense, huh? Right. Except you're saying everything backwards, like Yoda as a cult leader for some reason at the point. Very annoying. She continues to talk like that a few other times throughout the movie. Also, Christian movie bingo non-Christian person has vaguely heard of Jesus the way you vaguely remember

the Rugrats cartoon. Jesus. Oh gosh. I remember. He was he played third base for the fuck uh San Antonio? But I love this too because apparently this didn't occur to him at all. Because while they're having the whole sins and Jesus and people with sin can't get into heaven talk and Melissa is like, well that sounds pretty tricky. The little girl, Kelsey, she says, well God has the answer and it's way worse than what my dad did to me. Like it didn't occur to anybody that the abusive dad parallel and the Jesus Story would be kind of disturbing here at this moment. No, so now we cut to her baptism and the scene for her baptism is her

wheeling herself up the aisle and when I get crazy billionaire money I'm just gonna recut the scene so she wheels herself into a pool Because that's what I thought I wrote my nose is she just gonna rollers. What's the deal? How does this work? James Bonding and then out yeah exactly exactly And I you know I guess for a Christian, this is like a poignant moment or whatever, but from the outside looking in, this is fucking creepy.

Baptisms freak me the fuck out, especially when it's this handicap girl that like it kinda looks like you're drowning or anyway. Yeah, I've never been to a baptism, but I've seen them in movies and every time it looks like, I'm gonna drown you, not in drown you. I didn't drown you. Now you're magic.

No, that's how it goes. Usually the movies get shit wrong, but that was, I was pretty much right. So now we cut to Melissa talking to grandma on the phone. Grandma's inviting her to Amish country. Mom is barking about homework and, you know, this is gonna be very important, so pay attention. And by by the way when she's talking to grandma on the phone, grandpa is in the background giving zero fuck.

I don't think they told that guy he was on camera because he's just in the back like like, that was a wet one. Well, this is a wet one. I'm gonna go wipe this off the back of my thighs. I can't. And this is where we learn that mom and grandma don't talk. And we're gonna find out later why, and it's gonna be fucking stupid. Yes, it is. And then we cut to Kelsey playing with ballerinas.

In case you forgot. Right. Playing with a ballerina and a nutcracker. And I wanted so badly for her to start bang them together and being like Screaming about sin being like doing the devil's work. You're doing the devil's work Bad nutcracker You must wash yourself clean. Oh Looks like ballerinas on her period you leave the village for seven days

on her period, you leave the village for seven days. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha court house or whatever and the opening line here is of for the scene after the thirty-second blackout that tells us one scene is over and another is about to begin Melissa says I can't believe my PO added church to my community service and I wrote my notes oh good we just convinced Noah to do this movie yeah I wrote quick to the skating mobile and of course mom, mom says, oh, it's not mandatory. It's just going to look good on your records. See, it's not mandatory. It's just that they're less likely to throw you in jail if you're a Christian. That makes it legal and moral. See? And the girl goes, what happened to freedom of religion? And the mom's like, yeah, you're being a bitch cut it out To which the daughter responds so being a hypocrite pays off

And it's like yeah, yes So we've all got that in our The truest words of the history of Christian film right there and now we're at church right and by the way They go this is our daughter Melissa. And she's like, or this is our daughter Kelsey. And they're, oh, this is my daughter Melissa. Yeah, they know each other. And Stacy, the second daughter literally is just standing here. They never introduce or acknowledge her.

No, this entire thing. She's just sitting there in the, you can see the little actress being like, did they not introduce me? My character. I'm a Molly. I'm Molly over here. I'm Molly. I'm a child.

I'm a child. I'm gonna, I'm gonna blow my way through high school. And blow. I'm gonna suggest anal to the men, I date. I just want you to know that. That's what you're all cementing in this moment. You all having a nice chat? Good.

It's discussing the other daughter in length. Great. Great. So, and of course, then we have to cut over to Kelsey and Melissa talking. What do they want for Christmas? Well, Kelsey wants to be in the nutcracker ballet and Melissa wants to win the basketball tournament I'm sure Jesus will take care of it man what a plot If you're wondering hey is the plot of this movie that those things will happen yes

Well sort of I mean but the movie doesn't like and do in that happens or anything Anyway then we go over to the we see the cripple girl doing her homework later on that night and I wrote in my notes stop blacking out between shots. We will know the last shot was over when the next one begins Yeah, someone watched the accused and they were like let's do that, but she's not always date rates. Yeah Yeah, well, maybe they're like you know what this movie is gonna kind of feel like date rape anyways So maybe we should just use this and Now this is a so the only reason this scene exists by the way is so that she can open a music box and be sad Yeah, apparently she just keeps music boxes hidden everywhere in her home

Was this your music So I guess now that we finally identified a scene with a discernible emotion We've earned ourselves a break, but before we take that, I'm gonna give Act 3 to Hard Cell. Will characters continue to repeatedly summarize the plot of the movie? Will the cameraman back the fuck up? Will the English language ever recover from this dialogue? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return from the unpremeditated conclusion of... More than chance. It's rare that we come upon a movie so badly acted that the thing we find to make fun of the most is not the kid with the back brace in the wheelchair, so we couldn't help ourselves and manage to find an uncut scene from this movie with the original audio, and we found it so eye-opening that we just had to share it with you.

Okay, people, ready? Action. Yeah, so I thought maybe we could get some lunch. Pause, pause, two, three. Okay say your line. Yeah that. No no no start whispering and then scream by the end of the video. Oh oh oh. No day you remember. Yeah that sounds like a lot of fun I liked Chipotle. Okay, Jenny look into the camera Yeah, yeah directly into the camera good good now pause wink now say you're lying

I also like Chipotle great now Jeff just make up words as long as they don't relate to anything that was just said Okay, okay unrelated Bulbasaur hand-gring for a dive bar don't stop believing and Cut awesome put it in the can did we did we shut the gate who fucking cares next scene? And we're back and I fear that we haven't really established just how useless most of the scenes in this movie are. So luckily they've got this scene nice and set up for us in which we are going to meet some characters that we will never meet again that we'll talk about people that we've never met and vaguely mention one character that we have.

This is so fucking bizarre but luckily it does include the only attractive person that's made it their way between the frame lines of this movie that would be the black teacher here that again we will never see again. I also found I also found Hugo from Lost in Elementary School to be quite attractive who is also in this. I said baby Danny Trejo is really working it on this. He's reading Ion Hercylia story and she's like, good, you're done reading. I'm gonna go, because I'm in a teacher's lounge apparently. I'm gonna go talk to this other lady. And just behind the scenes here, these are notes in order. Who are these characters? Who are these characters? Is this about sports? What was that? Stop having scenes for no goddamn reasons.

That's right. This is the most useless scene we have ever encountered. And so now we cut to Kelsey and Molly playing Uno incorrectly. Yeah, because Kelsey goes, Uno, and then they stop playing, and I go, God, you don't win Uno when you say Uno. It's just a warning. It's the person who gets rid of their cards last. And then you total up the points of the other cards.

It's a point-based card game. It's supposed to turn you out of plate bridge. A little white trash assholes. It's not fucking go fish. Jenga. No. No. You didn't win.

So, yeah, so then they get a phone call and Kelsey squeals apparently. It was the ballet, and she gets to be in the nutcracker. Jesus. Yeah. Okay. And then we cut to Melissa and Chris studying together so that Melissa can say, do you believe in miracles and Chris can say, yeah, and Melissa can say, then why doesn't God heal Kelsey?

And we all just pulled out our keys. You know that? And oh my God, if this guy's fucking excuse here, Chris says, well, I think God knows what's best for her. Think of all the people she gets to inspire. Yeah. That was his excuse. Like God just made her as a fucking, it's like the ASP.

Kelsey is a human version of those ASPCA commercials. Oh God, just wheels them around in front of us. Yeah, think of all the people Kelsey can inspire who God also paralyzed. It's perfect. Right. Yeah, well, you know, they took a shot at least the scene didn't just end.

And then we get this scene where like Kelsey shows up to watch Melissa practice basketball. And I wrote, oh, more good Christian movie sportsing. Yeah, who's a disgusting basketball sequence I was like run with her and then like box. She's already boxing out like 20. Oh, it's it's ridiculous The basketball just gets worse to it's It's like this is like the best basketball And fat friend runs up and she's like, hey, uh, and she's like, you're really good Kelsey to the fat friend is like, you're really good and she's like, oh, thanks You're the first person in this movie to say nice things. She's like, you can be the water girl

And she's like, oh, oh did not see that coming from you. Oh The one person I thought would not take a shot Kelsey that's hard to hear and then runs away It's fucking amazing and then if you scream shut up fat friend at all She everything that happens this girl in this movie is fucking perfect It's the fucking sunset boulevard of my own personal enjoyment There's every, every moment. Where's that girl's moving? Ha ha ha.

Oh, should I expect her to just go like a postal at the end of this one? That would have been a great close. Just flip Kelsey over. Yeah! I'm in an off Stephanie! And in this scene, by the way, I assume the boom was attached to a bird that they just let show in this shenanigan

Because every time it got near them, it was like, oh, no, I'm gonna be a Oh, and the dialogue was so painful. I've lost testicles with less discomfort and not my own But when she makes it she goes, wow, I better call Lebron to scout you for the calves and I wrote I know nothing of sports. I'm pretty sure lebron doesn't go to games and you like him i wish you used him he does do a lot of the front office job in Cleveland but yeah probably not a scott and for fuck's sake now we're gonna sit in on molissa's mom's therapy session remember that eight minute therapy session we got earlier

and you were just like, oh, I hope there's more of that. There is. Right. And when she walks in, they have the most awkward handshake in the world. The second only to Carly Fiorina and Ted Cruz. Yeah, right, right. You're the only one who has hands.

So I check for weapons. No, just put your hand against hers. He just tastes like butter. It is butter. Thank you for noticing. And this therapy session is basically so you're still a bad mom and she's like yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Do you hate your daughter with a passion? And his advice at the end of this scene is remember to smile. Smile more often and people will like you. I was like, where did this guy go to therapy? The fucking gift shop at Cracker Barrel?

And then at the very end of this little meeting, the doc walks around his desk to the front, like super rapally. Like as rapally as you could walk around a desk and then we get very clearly a p.o.v. blowjob shot like right before it's about to happen and no follow-up complete bullshit oh my god this guy is so fat like wrote and right now it's like they went through three desks that he leaned on before they found one that didn't slide in his voluminous ass oh my god and then of course he ends the session by saying like nobody expects you to be perfect Jill and i thought that's the motto of this production company

And and that's it like we watch her come in we watch her talk for four minutes and then she gets her person leaves It was a four-minute counseling session Four-minute therapy sessions are so famous for So then we get this ridiculous fucking scene. It's useless again. This time with Melissa's mom, who I don't think ever. Oh Jill That's your name. So with Jill and the adopting mom and a bunch of people we've never met having brunch together and this scene is I completely Disagree this scene is essential because this scene is I laughed so hard at several moments of this scene that I had to stop the movie and just roll around weeping. What they keep coming back to is they're all they all have these fantastic

mom haircuts but there's one super fat woman at the table and what they keep doing is they keep making like cholesterol jokes and blood pressure jokes around the table and every time it comes to the fat woman she very clearly looks at all the other actresses and is like go fuck yourself. She goes like oh the nurses here are you gonna check our blood pressure and cholesterol and she's like I could and the fat one's like fuck you and then she would get it's like oh I better give up carbs I better give up sugar fuck you I'm not giving up shit this is skinny bitches you know finish that

look like David Letterman's pug and also Babe Ruth at the same time yeah she would have clearly looked up out of place anywhere but scooping out creamed corn and this is an actual line from this goddamn dialogue okay I had to write this down when they're all meeting Jill, Melissa's mom, she says, oh, she's a nurse and she says, yes, nursing is a challenging job. It's difficult to see people in distress all the time, but it does make me appreciate Melissa all the more, though I do fear that I can't protect her sometimes. Fuck you! You do not get to use the same language as Shakespeare used you talentless fox

Right just an Esperanto. I bet you can't write an entire script without a comma, but I can More than chance Holy shit and then they plan a trip to the Amish country because apparently the Amish kicked in on this movie It's like product placement or something right and the and it zooms in on the fat woman's face. And like fucking Wilford Brimley from the diabetes commercial, she whispers, homemade, almost fudge. She, I have whispered things into the ears of my victims with less intensity, joy, and madness than this actress whispered the words, homemade, Amish Fud.

If you don't watch these movies with us, and I know some people don't, some people are like, I don't like to watch the movies, they're waste of time. Just forward to this scene and watch this woman say homemade Amish Fudge, like it's the last lines of saving private Ryan. It's fucking amazing. And they gave me a good 28-minute blackout after she said Recover from the intensity and the blackout starts mid inhalation by the way Apparently they just couldn't get a spot where the fat ladies breathing wasn't on the motor cut

That's because she obviously said homemade Amish fudge mother fucker He said, homemade omesh fudge motherfucker. Instead, he just cut off or flip the table and ran to omesh country. Just burst through some poor wooden shack. Give me all the fudge you have and no one gets hurt. Oh god, it's hard again. Right. Omesh people talk.

This is when I turned on you porn and search for homemade omesh bud. That's some good stuff. Did you mean the Eli Bosnick story? They did mean that. Yes. So now we cut to a Christian, his team, and Melissa and her team all making up posters together for the basketballing.

And I just wrote everyone just shut up please silent film starting now now and then the other girl just takes a moment to go hey by the way just so you know the other team is planning to murder you Melissa check your gay to raid for polonium and then you yell shut up fat friend and the scene is over I wrote my notes I sure would have been lost without this scene it's a good thing. We have established where are those posters that we'll see came from or whatever. And now we're off to the ballet. And I wrote, has there been a plot? Is this the plot? Yeah.

And Kelsey is wearing the HORIEST of makeups in the scene. I mean, I know she's in the Nutcracker and she's in the ballet, but you don't get introduced to that first So they just wheel her out and you're just like whoa all right someone went to the Mac counter and got left there for too long Here you just sit here. We're gonna go Fucking the bathroom. Yeah, right the only way your dad can get hard So we we go to the ballet itself and I really like basically my note is okay This is really fucking cute. I can't be mean. It's really very sweet that they accommodated the handicap girl Let her be in the ballet

But there is one scene where she's like being spun around and there's this little boy who's spinning her around and he looks so pissed to be a part of this Me and him had a little moment together at this point in the movie my to be a part of this, me and him had a little moment together at this point in the movie. My music note for this part was, don't even think about making fun of this disabled girl in the ballet universe. Well before she goes up there, she says, what if everyone laughs at me? And I was like, why would everyone laugh at you? They're bond villains? Yeah, right.

I'm going to ask, hold the read you have. Some guy stands up in the audience couldn't a wheelchair I mean look I did that once okay, but so maybe she heard about it or something. I don't know What exactly how close acronym? Oh, I'm actually from oh She has reasonable fears. I take all of the things. I just said back. I am from I have family in Ohio that probably spread around Yeah, probably and so then we cut to of the things i just said back i am from i have family in all i'll have that probably spread around yeah i'm probably uh... and so that then we cut to uh... back home they're decorating the christmas tree because you know how parents like to leave the

handicap girl in the five year old there to decorate the christmas tree together so they want to hang something real high but the little girl can't reach it, so she goes to get mom, but Kelsey decides, hey, shut, maybe she can stand after all, so she tries to hang it really high. I wrote this gold brick or walks, and sure enough, she falls out of her fucking wheelchair. And all of our notes are identical at this point, we all wrote, is she dead? If she did, that shitty.

Well, but if you think about it, this would not be the first dance Christian movie we watched where the girl died in front of the Christmas tree at the end. So I thought that very well could have been the case. It just becomes a meme. Well, she fell out of her wheelchair and lands perfectly inside like a chalk outline.

It's easy to understand how she might be I just want to throw a baby coffin Yeah And then we cut to her getting ready for bed like that last scene never happened Are we gonna address that did she get hurt or anything who the fuck knows maybe this scene is from before and she is dead I have no fucking clue. Well, at least we know she hasn't been faking it this whole time I think that's that's what we were saying I was thinking that it's on what that's what that last scene

Solved and this is great. We almost have a heaven is for real moment But mom tells her to go fuck herself. She's like I remember when Jesus sent me to earth and she's like no you fucking didn't My notes. Thank you. Yeah, right throwing some shade at the heaven is for real kid They were like how come their book made money? Oh shit. They got Greg Keneer. Yeah, right. She's like, yeah, I know everyone walks in heaven, but I want to walk now.

So, uh, kill me? I can't do suicide. I wouldn't. I would walk right away. But you just snaps your neck like scorpion from Mortal Kombat on my elation. Just like, there you go, hun. another one. That's what happened with Stacy. Oh, yeah Oh, in heaven you can walk watch Um, so yeah, and then we get that her Santa prayers and it's been so long since I've heard that now

I lay me down to sleep prayer that I forgot how fucking creepy it is to tell children to say oh, hey if I die While I'm asleep tonight, please don't burn me in hell. Yeah, it's a weird, weird fucking poem. I had heard the beginning, now I ain't lay me down to sleep, but I didn't hear the second half. So I paused it and I was like, is that it? I Googled it and I was like, what the fuck is that?

Kind of weird spell is that? Hahaha. Just in case I die, come get me, bro. Right. Just like when a friend texts you, come pick me up at one, no matter what I say. Just like what I do. 1am you come get me from this party. And then we get to, then we cut over to Melissa practicing her sportsing and

oh my god is she bad at basketball. Hey, this movie's running a little bit short. Can we get 975 shots of her failing a free throw? I guarantee you it took them a bunch of takes for her to miss and still hit the rim a bunch of times. That was a task. Alright, we don't want you to miss by that much. Well, all of a sudden she's hitting every shot.

Fuck! What was that? At the end of her... At the end of her montage of her missing, she like throws the ball over her shoulder, half-court style, and I wanted her to make the half-court shot one-handed and be like, I have no idea how basketball works! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Yeah, I wrote, I bet if she had Jesus, she could do it. Um, but, uh, she doesn't. she doesn't and my music note here was I don't want the audience to realize that

Music is playing can you play something like that on guitar? 93 seconds something like that. I can forget it Yeah, my music note for this scene is just a man in his truck And Then we we cut to we get a little montage here and it starts with Melissa's mom picking up the Bible bingo We also in this montage get mom and Melissa therapying together and Smiling and she tells this insane story. She's like I remember once you found out that cocoa butter was good for your skin So you went into the kitchen and covered yourself in butter.

This guy Eli showed up. It was not great. That's why dad left. Am I supposed to not be jerking off to this? Because that's a lot to ask. Come on. This movie hasn't given me much. But they have a breakthrough moment.

She's like, Hey, my dad is dead. And she's like, Your dad is dead. My dad is dead. I'm no longer a trouble team yeah right they they've bonded over buttery memories and all of their troubles are over and then we show up at the big game which I guess this movie has been about yes because nothing brings in packed crowds like high school girls basket yeah so I love to.

They show the audience shot in about half of the people are staring directly into the camera. And the music is suggesting here that Captain Falcon is definitely about to show up at this girl's high school house. Well, man, I'm quite certain. And he's going to do music. Do you know what was remember the 90s? This was rock or whatever. Who knows?

And then we get the wonderful sports and that we've come to expect out of christian movies and i'm just gonna hand this over to he's been basketball and notes on this and that's on the basketball that happened here so we get it along

montage of what's supposed to be like the highlights of basketball uh... that includes among things, the possession arrow changing. That was part of the action. That's literally the least exciting thing that could possibly happen in a basketball game. Anyway, we also got an inbound's pass, but actually just the first half of one, because somebody broke their nose about a tenth of a second after that cut and they had to go there. We also get a double dribble and a traveling violation in the highlight. Yes, we do and no shooting of baskets

really or anything. And then finally we're getting near the end and they show you the scoreboard. It's 78-77 and there's zero seconds left on the clock. So first of all, this group of actors couldn't make that score happen if we gave them a month. There is no way that one of those teams made 78 points, the other team made 77, not possible. But each basket is 11 points, guys. Even then, but yeah, I can't get 70 years there. Yeah. But more importantly, if you're taking the final foul shot here

with zero seconds on the clock, and it's 78, 77, your team either already won or you could tie it and go to overtime. But it's literally impossible for this to be the game winning shot. Right, cannot be. And apparently they have no fucking idea. Right. I wrote, I hope they realize this and don't react like she just won the game if she makes this shot. And she makes the shot.

And then she's going to win the game. Yeah. But before she makes the shot, she has like a montage remembering all the time she missed and then a montage of the little girl telling her like you got her work and i wrote my notes get up your son of a bitch because creepy loves yeah yeah and i just want to reiterate here the climax of this movie was a tie in basketball that they accidentally pretended was a win. Well, but but that wasn't the climax for the movie though. Like that should have been the climax, but there are 20 more fucking minutes of this movie. So like all my notes now are like, why are you not over?

Right. I just wanted to see these refs just like look at each other kind of shrug and leave. Yeah. They know it's a they think overtime. It's not happening. You want to go get high in the parking lot? Yeah, man I'm a high school basketball raft. I want to be high as much as humanly possible

Also fat friend runs up to her when they win the game and it's perfect because she's like congratulations And if you scream shut up fat friend, she will look sad and walk off her No reason it's amazing. I can't recommend it enough. Just give yourself a treat. Also, Melissa's mom and Melissa's dad's mom makeup or something. And then we cut to Chris, the boyfriend practicing baseball with Sloth. Yes, we've moved into a different sports season altogether. Now I guess. And they're talking christian apologetics well they throw around a basketball

yeah that ice hockey guy is an atheist as it turns out and he likes to do uh... atheist apologetics during high school baseball practice and i've been reading some hitchens and uh... i thought i would run these by you while we toss this ball back and forth very clearly cutting the shot because there's no way we could ever throw this ball back and going. Yeah, and I love to okay, so Chris the basketball player is throwing a baseball where we're wearing a shirt that says football. He's a sportsy guy y'all and he's medium guy from ice hockey. Yeah, that's that's it. Yeah, it's got all four from us and he. And then we cut to Fat War month. You're going to church to check out this Jesus thing. You know, the guy from the Christian school. Right. And the pastor is giving the weirdest,

most boring possible sermon. you could ask for. Yeah, boring for a sermon. Jesus has sent you an e-vite and an invite on Facebook. Please make sure to, don't just say maybe, because they're going to keep getting the notifications. You know, but he likes that. We don't like doing it and you don't like getting them. Yeah.

Also, very hard to miss the fact that the pastor actually says the words those of us who are heavy heavily laden right as the fat guy walks in The fat walks in the church and sits behind even way fatter Right that was it's any picks up a Bible. That was in poor taste I'm just saying if I say it's in poor taste It was definitely in poor taste and now we get to remember the mom who had the daughter first and then left her with the abusive husband Remember her me neither to do this setup for some lesbian porn See the only way this scene would have made sense yeah, that's all my notes She's like oh, I'm so glad you called please come in. Why don't I go make you coffee? And I was like oh

What's this computer with porn on it? I can't help but touch myself. I hope no one walks in. But no, instead they're just like, hey, I'm sorry, I broke my kid and gave it to you. And she's like, ah, no big deal, don't worry about it. It's not that big of a deal. We gotta ramp in everything.

I saw. Sorry about, uh, ex-husband severed my Your that sorry crippled Kelsey. Yeah, that's why I'm here and again I don't mean to like just be overbearing on the audio shit But this scene is so goddamn squeaky this whole scene is like what listen to a fat guy settle into a small chair She also says I want you to know I had no idea he would do that. And I'm like, really? Because I remember you having a conversation, so we've seconds before you did it, where you very clearly demonstrated concern about exactly what he was going to do. Yeah. And so now we cut to,

and because we're in sort of a, every scene is more useless than the last one kind of a mode. Now we're at a gazebo and there's a band and Kelsey's sad that she can't dance, but then an old guy dances with her so she's happy. Yeah, ladies and gentlemen, I only see my kids on weekends, the band. Yeah, right. And my music note here was we couldn't find two real musicians to put in the movie. So we bought this piano music to play over the part when the musicians should have been playing stuff in the scene, but we can't play that. So here's some piano music.

Oh, apparently, describe the plot of this movie. I will give you every cent I have. Every fucking cent. Tell me the plot of this goddamn movie. I'm thinking like the, in the elevator pitch, the elevator just got broken.. I'm thinking like the in the elevator pitch the elevator Just got broken they were stuck there until the fire department could show up or something She had to keep vamping I have no idea then they go to a casino concert And also by the way if you take this little girl out of the wheelchair and imagine this old man dancing with her this scene is really Uncomfortable yeah uncomfortable of the wheelchair and imagine this old man dancing with her, this scene is really uncomfortable. Yeah, uncomfortable. Um, comfortable.

Eli always pronounces word wrong. That's what I meant. Ungovernable. Should have worn sweats. So now we get more succumbents. You're like sick. We should, we deserve your emails this week,. I'm just gonna throw it out. We actually deserve we've earned them So now we get Melissa. She's going off to college where she'll try lesbian stuff. Hopefully or something She got a basketball scholarship. We're supposed to believe that character got a basketball scholarship

Yeah, right to yeah, Akron Community College or whatever. And then also, of course, this is where Kelsey tells her that she was just the medicine that Melissa needed when God put them together at exactly the right time. I'm so glad God broke your back and sent you to that orthopedic scanner, right, when I was there doing community service. Right, and you see in Kelsey's face her being like, hmm, yeah, I don't know that I would agree, but I enjoyed our friendship.

Must be the whole supporting your own spine thing that makes that easy to feel. And, yeah, so Kelsey's talking to Melissa here, and this happens several times in the scene. She keeps nodding at Melissa. Like she's clearly saying, yeah, it's your line again. Go, fuck it. And I'm done.

It's you. And of course, because we can still have a more useless scene, we then cut to Melissa and Chris walking together on the beach. She's like, he's like, so are you going to be on campus when you go to college? She's like, no, I'll probably stay at home. And he says, gotta help you with your half court shot now he's I'm expert the half court shot is that a common thing one Work's on as a basketball player. I know one can win a car by achieving

Yeah, the vast majority of half court shots happen underhand with a fan from the audience. Yeah, right. Absolutely. With a guy in a bee costume trying to distract you. Yeah, but right, sadly. But yeah, we get a wonderful dialogue with them on the beach and they're like, yeah, you think this scene will matter? No, probably not. There's also a moment where she goes, brat, and he looks at her like she was like, cunt.

He looks at her like she dropped an end bomb. That is literally just like, oh, what? They also have a great moment where this is so badly staged that they get up and then immediately sit back down. Oh, no, we're still, oh, this is still for some reason it's still on okay yeah and then we cut to To Kelsey gardening with dad and yeah, I know that I just keep saying and then we cut to because there's no progression going on here It's just another scene in this scene Kelsey's gardening with dad and she doesn't want to wait for the plans to grow

But he says well, we'll have to wait for God and she she says well can't we just wither them out of spite though and that what God would do and he says no and she wants to play basketball right and he's like oh cool uh not we'll look into that when you forget about it in a year and then she walks away on crutches well yes she has prosthetic legs now so go science and not religion rei yeah and now it's over because we're done

they could have showed her playing like wheelchair basketball and i could have that's what i thought that's what i thought for sure with their life he said the whole thing up is like oh i know i want to play basketball it's like oh well you know they have a whole type of that sport yeah exactly and don't and there's some of the paralympic athletes are incredible amazing don't end it some of the paralympic athletes are incredible amazing don't everyone in this movie just hasn't heard of all these incredible athletes who overcome their disability right it's part of what makes it so terrible is they're just like

if you can't walk you can't do shit here crutchy crutch crutch away what would throw up the credits and then we end the movie with a child abuse PSA. Yeah, I don't have anything to make fun of in that and I'm kind of hoping that Eli doesn't eat Well, because we have since you have nothing Delete, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete Eli's deleting a music note that said in the legs of an angel. Oh, damn! Shit.

Yeah, and that was it. That was the movie. We get a few home movies that have the same production quality as the rest of the film. And then that's it. And by the way, when this closed out, Netflix was quite sure that the next thing I wanted to do last night was rewatch. What would Jesus do part of the work on me too white sir it was good to see johnny rats

now obviously we can't profane all the terrible things that have gotten one star in the past by comparing them to this movie so rather than asking how many stars this flick deserves i ask you this what is the worst thing that you would do to your adopted russian child rather than watch this movie again. All right. I guess if I if I came across an arbitrage opportunity and I could buy disabled orphans in Russia and sell disabled orphans in Syria for a product, like I consider it if I could make enough money to buy this movie and remove it from the universe. Okay. All right. Now that's humanitarian. Okay. okay. You saved it at the end.

I thought I did. It's gonna try to pack. And Eli? Well, I'm going with the style of the film because Kelsey was obviously handicapped by being raised up slightly in the air. So I would slowly put a cigarette out on my own hand and then wave my hand over a lighter in front of her.

I was still with Bond movie villain, Trots. Sigurate out on my own hand and then wave my hand over a lighter in front of her With bond movie villain tropes. I would throw my hat at her and cut her head off. Oh Well, I guess that does it for our review of more than Janice That's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we need still need to make you squeal like a piggy for next week's show So Eli tell us what's on deck rock it's your decision oh finally I'm so excited about this one now I I was able was there a preview for this I couldn't find a preview no I just watched the movie yeah I just flick through the video like to five different spots I was like yep got it yeah that's gonna be it's a Estus Perkle in 1982 yeah more or

less right right exactly but according to the i am db page people like this movie also liked o heavenly dog with chavice so how bad could it be that's right and this was suggested to us by res ok c again right yes yeah and holy shit after vulture so or you've got you could bomb like with four suggestions and we'd still be taking them at this point so thank you much for that. This is the first of the hey What if the bad guys from footloose got to make a movie genre, but there are men

I look this up afterwards. I was like oh Christian anti rock movie and there's a million of them The other one which is hell's balance is like nine hours long So I was like no, I need to do that when I like nine hours long. So I was like, no, I need to do that when I emotionally prepared myself, but I cannot wait to watch 53 minutes about why I shouldn't like rock and roll. And it's the devil's way of getting into your soul. Yes. Yeah, we're breaking open a whole new genre next week. So with all that to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode 40 to a merciful close. Once again, a

huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go if you'd like to count yourself among their ranks You can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to every episode You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms And if you enjoyed this show be sure to check out our sibling shows the scathing atheist and the skeptic rat available on iTunes Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live if you have questions comments or cinematic suggestions You can email god awful moviesatGmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written

and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Drafts on Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you hear, hear more by following the link on the show notes for this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right, Neely Bosnick. I'm no illusions promise into work hard and earn another chunk next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Buck, breakfast club. Buck, breakfast club close. Stacey, the mahelix first disabled child, was never found after that plane crash in the Andes. Melissa's stoner friends went on to start a podcast and everything worked out just fine for them so fuck you. Ha ha ha ha. Molly got a word in Arabic tattooed on her lower back

and currently calls herself a tattoo artist. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I'm just waiting for you. Oh! Call me Molly. Ha ha ha ha. This really fucked up, and congratulations. just really fucked up. Congratulations.