God Awful Movies - 440: Blackbird

Episode Date: January 23, 2024

This week, Michael Marshall joins us for a review of the notorious Michael Flatley vanity project Blackbird. It's the story of a bunch of spy movie cliches getting tosses in a hat. --- To get tickets to see us live in Orlando, click here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-orlando-florida-tickets-778242784117 --- Check out more from Marsh on Be Reasonable and Skeptics with a K --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

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Don't do it every time. Do you think? Cause they make it seem like it gives you AIDS, and I bet there are cut lines from the script where Michael Flatley was like Oh, it's like the AIDS isn't and they were like, you can't have me say that on camera, Michael Flatley. Please stop saying AIDS. Michael Flatley. Please stop saying AIDS. God awful movie. Movie. Movie. Movie.

Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie.

Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Welcome back to the gamcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema unless something comes along that is so bad It redefines the very nature of awful in which case we watch that instead. I'm your host no illusions Heath is gonna be unable to join us tonight. He's in Portugal, but sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnik Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? We love me telling you no illusions, it's a fine day. All right, it is a fine day.

I thought I would just let everyone know the level of cultural sensitivity I'm going to have in terms of Irish brethren right here at the outset. That's why we couldn't have Heath on the show to be perfectly honest with you. He would have come to the defense of his people. No, Heath side tackled me into four recordings and we just eventually decided to move on to vacation. And of course, also joining us tonight is the host to to be reasonable, the co-host of Skeptics with a K and the editor of Skeptic Magazine, Michael Marshall Marsh. Welcome back, sir. Oh, you guys can't hear it, but I'm very slowly raising my head and peeping at you from beneath

the brim of my hat. That's how excited I am. And this film is a very slow hat revealer. What angle is that hat at, Marsh? Oh, it's exactly 50% of the way between Johnty and Rake-ish. It's at the sweet spot between the two. 90 degrees to his head somehow. It's balanced on the brim of his. Yes. All right, so tell us, Marsh, what will we be breaking down today?

Oh, so we watched Michael Flatley's film Blackbird. And it is the story of an aging Irishman who used to be the best at what he does, who then moved to the Caribbean and surrounds himself with flunkies and yes men, but then he gets called out of his comfortable retirement to make a movie about a spy or something, I think.

Yep. It is that. It's the story of him going like, you know, my life is actually quite a bit like Casablanca, if you think about it. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you loved the climactic dance fight that closed out Riverdance, but you missed your local senior citizen production of it, you will love this movie. And oh my God, do I love this movie?

Look, I used to be able to watch these movies like two times, sometimes even three times I would pre-watch, then I'd get to watch twice on the week. I haven't watched a movie twice in months, maybe even years. I watched this movie twice in a row. Like I watched it. And then just watched it again. Well, and we should point out here that we've been listening to Marsh talk this

movie up since like 2019. It's been a long fucking time coming. This movie is legend. So Marsh, Marsh gave us so much more heads up about this movie Than he did his marriage right like we were aware that Mars had been married with no way It was like oh, yeah, no, I had a wedding and there was a wedding in my life Michael We've gotten the play-by-play yes production. Yeah Absolutely, so tell us Mars. How did how did this movie happen?

Absolutely. So tell us, Marsh, how did this movie happen? So the thing we have to kind of understand to begin with is that Michael Flatley is like a weapons grade egotist. Like one of the most narcissistic men who's ever lived. He's not a good dupe. A lot of people know him from just the dancing. Like, oh, we can move his feet fast and not move his arms that much. And that's kind of about the much that they know about Michael Flatley. But like, he performed at Trump's inauguration and described it as one of the greatest honors in his life.

He's cosied up to far right, like fascists on Irish Twitter, like Gemma O'Docati talking about when she was saying, we need to stop the Muslims coming here because they make an island a third world country. He responded to say, keep up the fight Gemma. So this is the kind of person he is right. And in March 2018, he announced his directorial debut, the film Blackbird. And ever since that point for like years, it was

shrouded in mystery. There were like, film critics in Ireland going on investigative deep dives that have taken them six months to try and understand what the hell is happening with this film. Is it made if it's if it's not made made? It was apparently finished in 2018. There was a screening for just the cast and crew in 2018, but then there was silence for four years and it never came out. There was speculation at one point that I think is probably pretty accurate that what they showed at that point was just a handful of scenes that they'd actually filmed and they filmed those scenes as like a sort of spec script type thing

All right Then ship around production companies to film out to like to bulk out the rest of the film with that money and shots and stuff Like that, but nobody wanted it So Michael flatly had to finance it himself and so eventually nobody ever thought this would came out Eventually we got wind there was a trailer and it came out It was in the cinemas in select cinemas in the UK. It made 50,000 pounds in its opening weekend. Ah!

Cinema tickets in the UK are about a tenner. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's like know the names of everyone who saw your movies level of profitable. Yeah, absolutely. In total, it made 120,000 pounds. It means fewer than 150,000 people saw this film in the cinema. I and four of my friends were five of those 150,000 people when we saw it, an otherwise

empty screening in Liverpool. We talked to the cinema staff at the time. We were the only ones who'd sat through the entire film and not walked out of the otherwise largely empty run. It is a legend of a film and I'm so so excited to be able to share it with you. It's like Jerry Lewis had released the day the clown cried, right? Yeah.

It's beautiful. And it's on prime. If you're in the UK or Europe, it's just on prime for free. It was. It's taken away now because clearly that wasn't attracting enough people in. You can still find it if you look hard enough. Yep, we found it. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best or being the worst at? Absolutely. Got to go straight in with Best Worst Vanity Project slash Best Best Tax Right Off. Really?

Because this film was written by Michael Flatley, directed by Michael Flatley, financed by Michael Flatley, executive produced by Michael Flatley, starred Michael Flatley. And the film was shot in several of his properties. OK, so this is a huge vanity project. But the thing you've got to bear in mind is the Irish tax credit scheme for films pays 32% of all of the costs on your cast, crew, goods, services, and locations.

And, you know, there's a similar scheme in Barbados. So the Irish government picked up one third of the cost of what Michael Flutley the financier thought Michael Flutley the writer, director, producer, and starer should be paid for this. He just wrote himself a check and had the Irish government sign it, essentially. That's fucking incredible.

Yeah, I'm not smart enough to do the math of 32 times a hundred, but it was that whatever that is is what the percentage was So I was gonna go with best worst wardrobe it okay Nobody in this movie at any point will wear so much as a single clothes But then it is ridiculous. We talked about his hats, you got his hats, you've got his suits, you've got Eric Roberts suits, you've got this every woman in the movie is costume by like some fucking horny 12 year old boy. AdamandEve.com.

Yeah, right. Michael Fletley, yeah. Yeah, right. And I of course, I'm gonna go with best worst action packed conclusion. We'll talk about it when it comes. There's no words. I was in the cinema watching that conclusion.

Yeah. Having spent the entire time watching the film. I've got it. Yeah. When we get there, you've got to pitch a five of us. And I'll say it right now, dressed as characters from the film because we were so excited by this that we did go dressed in costume for the film, watching that Denu moment, it's amazing.

I don't believe you're physically capable of putting a hat at that angle, Marshall, I'll say it right now. I also, I wanna throw in another sort of a bonus, best worst, because I wanna go with best worst award as well, because for his performance in this film, Michael Flatley won the Best Actor Award at the Monaco Film Festival.

No! And I know what you're thinking, that's a really prestigious film festival, isn't it? And no, you're thinking of the Cannes Film Festival just down the road from Monaco. Nobody has heard of the Monaco Film Festival. He won the award in its inaugural year in July 2021, a year before this film was released and shown to anyone. On the strength of a screening that only included the cast and crew by invitation. So only a piece involved in making God to See It. Which is amazing.

And all that seems really weird, except the Monaco Film Festival is set up and run by a company that is registered in Cork, in Ireland, half an hour's drive from Michael Flatley's home. And when Michael Flatley's not at his residence in Cork, half an hour away from the headquarters of this film festival, he lives in Monaco for tax purposes where his film festival is facing. So I think I know why he won this award. Fuck it. All right.

Well, we've waited half a damn decade to see this thing. So I feel like you guys could wait a few minutes more to hear about it. So we're gonna take a quick break, but we'll be back in a minute with all the legendary Terriblossity. Sorry, I can't use existing words. We do not have words for stuff this bad yet.

That is Blackbird. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. So from the bottom of the tube doesn't matter? I mean, I guess it might be more convenient. This is mind blowing to me. Hey, you guys ready to record more show? Sure. All right. Here you go. And one for you. What are these?

These are the things I would be saying and doing without therapy. I think it's important to remind everyone sometimes like just how far I've come, you know? Okay, mine just says crying. Yeah, and mine says showing up 45 minutes late treating everyone like garbage and then trying to start a big dramatic fight

with someone about not liking you. Yeah, yeah, guess I was gonna have a better day that day, so. But you're saying you don't do these things thanks to therapy? I sure don't. And if you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire, get matched with a licensed therapist, and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So if I need a therapist who's secular, queer affirming, or will help me stop, let's see,

loudly announcing which video game characters I find attractive, BetterHelp can help me do that. They sure can. Celebrate the progress you've already made. Visit betterhelp.com slash awful today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash awful. Okay, but you still do that last thing with the video game character. I said progress Noah. Progress.

All right lads. Hi Michael Flatley. I've gathered you all here because I've got it in mind to make myself a spy movie. A spy movie Michael. What's it about? Well, I'm glad you've asked, Seamus. I'm thinking a classic story of intrigue, espionage, and betrayal from the world's greatest action hero. Well, now, and who would that be, Michael? Wow, really, Marsh? Dude. What?

It's... I'm doing the sketch. Not with that accent, you're not. So insensitive. What? You guys were way worse than I was we are Americans Marsh our Gaelic brethren expect us to sound like the Lucky Charms mascot when we do accents, but you're English Okay, not cool. Yeah, dude that that'd be like a German guy doing a Jewish voice to his voice exactly. Thank you

No, I am so sorry Irish listeners. We were just trying to have fun with some Michael Flatley and this colonialist bigot came at you from nowhere. From nowhere? You wrote in the script, in an Irish accent. It's right there in the script. I don't remember that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an iPhone note apology to write and tweet before this gets out of hand. Yeah, me too. Why do I keep agreeing to come on this show?

And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to start off with a few drone shots of Michael Flatley's lovely three story mansion in Ireland. It's quite nice. Okay, look, here's the thing. We've dealt with a lot of bad people and I know that Michael Flatley is a bad person now as Michael Marshall introduced at the intro,

but like, he got that money from the tippity taps. This is tippity tap money. Oh, since he's incredibly wealthy. Like, Lord of the Dance makes so much money. This is tipp tap mansion? Like, I guess I thought they did fine, but I feel like I would. Of all the reasons you should alert a tap dance.

I was gonna say, I really would have taken tap dancing a lot more seriously if I'd gotten a shot of this bitch in early in life. How much money Michael Flatley has at any given time is kind of a shifting target. It's a bit of an unknown because at the time, or right about the time this film was being filmed, he was actually trying to sell that mansion

and all of the possessions in it. And I know that because my friend who's obsessed with Michael Flatley because he hates him so much has alerts set up for any time Michael Flatley appears in the press. And when Flatley was auctioning off the contents of his house, he contemplated bidding on Michael Flatley's suitcases. And to be clear, these aren't like special monogram suitcases. These are just regular suitcases that he was selling to make a bit of money. He was also selling the TV from his spare bedroom, which is like not even a flat screen. It was like an old school, like just a big fucking glass box.

Oh, I could use that for my video games. Old Nintendos, yeah. His partner almost bought him the bust of Napoleon that Michael Flatley was selling. But in the end, he couldn't part with the mansion because it just meant too much for him. And also, it didn't meet the reserve price thatley was selling. But in the end, he couldn't part with the mansion because it just meant too much for him. And also it didn't meet the reserve price that he was selling.

Yeah, right, right. Nobody wanted it for the price of the mansion. Yeah, that will, that makes sense as to why it is that when we go inside this mansion for like the reception after the funeral, everybody's barkers, beauty-ing their way through, showing at the lovely dishwasher and shit like that.

So, but they're having this funeral out in this front fucking yard, just in the middle of the fucking yard. It's so weird, there's just a tree in the middle of the garden and they're burying like three people there. In the middle of a very, very large lawn. It's like, do you really want to put the headstones? Like right there.

Right in the middle. Right in the very center of your beautiful lawn. Yeah. So fucking weird. And of course the very center of your beautiful lawn. Yeah. So fucking weird. And of course it's rainy, but it's rainy, bad. It's bad rain. I can't promise you much in this life. We live in an uncertain universe,

but there was a, we can just use my sprinklers conversation and that is how the rain for these scenes was generated. Oh, 100%. The rain comes at him from different directions at the same time, which rain can't do. And all I can assume is they just thought, well, it's Ireland. If we film for long enough, it's going to rain.

This is Ireland. It is definitely gonna get wet at some point. And they just must have had a bad spell because yeah, this rain comes at him from all sides. And it's sunny. It's so sunny. I know it can sometimes rain a bit when it's sunny, but it can't rain that fucking much But so but he said this rainy funeral his head is at a jaunty angle

It is impossible to describe that hat without using the word jaunty, right? No, no, no, okay We're not just gonna blow by I'm just gonna blow by the first half angle Noah. The 45 degree. Okay, here's what I need our listeners who are young to understand who missed Riverdance. First of all, if you grew up in Shitsville, America, which is where I grew up and Heath grew up and Noah grew up, once a year, Riverdance would come

to your town and everyone in your town went, the town was empty, because you all went to go see Riverdance and on stage at Riverdance I guess fucking Michael Flatley or a Michael Flatley impersonator would do the tibetay tap tap tap taps with his hat at a rakeish angle but but that would be like if the guy who played Peter Pan in your local company's production of Peter Pan was always wearing a wire harness while he was doing his grocery shopping.

Like it's not a signature bit, it's your costume from your stage show. So yeah, so he stands there just jauntedly angled hat in the rain. Everybody leaves them, but he's gotta be the last person standing at the grave. Because this is his wife, or we're going to find out later, it was his fiance. We're getting flashes of him watching her die and screaming in rage and shit like that, right? And they keep showing us the same.

The only time Michael Flatley manages to look his age in the movie is in this flashback, because he's supposed to be quaking with rage, but his entire fucking joule thing. The only time Michael Flatley manages to look his age in the movie is in this flashback because he's supposed to be quaking with rage but his entire fucking jowl thing is shaking along with him. It's like watching an aftershock in one of those like earthquake proof windmills, right? It's just like...

It's like... So, yeah, we cut inside so that everybody can see the lovely interior of the home that could be yours for the low, low price of. And to bear in mind, the decor in here is Trump levels of tacky, which just undermines the fact that this is Michael Flatley's actual house and his actual possessions.

That is Trump level of tacky. I wrote my notes somewhere that this was the tackiest room I've ever seen without Donald Trump in it, yeah. Yeah, it's like someone went through a museum and was like, I'm gonna live here. Yeah. So. But yeah, so, and then of course we cut to all of,

I guess he was supposed to be the leader of this formidable team of spies. So we cut to all the other spies standing inside talking about what a great badass spy he was. Hey, no, sorry, real quick. What was the name of that two-baths? The Chieftons? The Chieftons, fuck. Yeah. Which I believe is a folk band that like Michael Flatley tried to join but wasn't allowed to or

some crazy shit. And I love that they're just talking about, like all the people that are talking about how great he is at what he does. A, they don't tell us what he does. B, we won't really find out what he does. We will never fucking know what it is that he's so good at. But this is Michael Flattie's idea of how you set a character up.

Like, oh yeah, if you wanna demonstrate that a character is like really good at something, you have every other person in the film just have an open conversation about how good he is. And then the barman chimes in with like, yeah, but like, what is he going to do? Like, just cut through it all like literally though, let's just talk literally, actually step by step, what is he about to do? I left so hard when the bartender was like, sorry, you guys have just been speaking in vagaries. What is he going to do? Bartender, bartender, like, sorry, you guys have just been speaking in vagaries. What is he gonna do? Yes, sorry. Don't participate, bartender. Bartender, by the way, will be the bartender later in Barbados?

Yes. This movie goes to Barbados. So apparently this team takes their assassins, butlers, spies, and their bartender with them wherever they go. And their bartender, yes. Yeah, it's like a video game where you've hired the staff for one building, but when you go to another building, the staff are there as well. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so and what the bartender might as well be saying is, so what do you think the next scene is, huh? And we cut outside and Michael Fletley, his character's name is Victor, he's walking away from the mansion in the, again, just soaking, soaking sprinkler rain.

There is no way that suit isn't going to shrink. And all I can assume is he did this, so he can show that in future scenes, when his suit looks like it fits a bit tight, he's like, yeah, no, that was shrinkage because of the rain. It's not for that purpose. Let myself go since the old tippity tap stuff.

No, no, it's not that. All of the outfits here, okay. The only thing I can say about the shirt and coat and jacket sizes Michael Flatley chooses to wear is like someone played a prank on him and they were like, oh, Michael, we're gonna actually sponsor all the outfits for this movie.

And he was like, oh, that's kind generous of you. And he was like, yeah, but you can only use clothes from the Gap Kids. And Michael Flatley was like, yeah, but you can only use clothes from the gap kids. And Michael Black was like, jokes on you. I will wear this toddler leather jacket for the flashback from my fiancee. Do you think, do you think the costume department, uh, SEO trotted him like in the Rural Doll Story where they just like, slowly, like a size smaller. It was like, hang on the section.

But he didn't notice. He never picked up on it. Yeah. to the fucking link. It was like, hang on a second. But he didn't notice. He didn't, right? Right, he never picked up on it, yeah. So then, so he walks out, we get our title card, Blackbird. Oh God, I was so excited when the title card came up in the cinema after five years of like, where the fuck is this film?

Oh God, best moment of the pandemic. And even after just that little tiny funeral scene, you knew how bad it was gonna be. So you knew exactly what was coming, yeah. So we cut to 10 years later in London and there's this... I have no idea what's even happening in this scene, right? Like, there's a couple of bad guys you can tell because of their race in a car, talking about bad guy stuff.

And then we cut to a guy shredding documents one at a time. Yes, yes. Yeah. And he's only shredding these documents for intrigue. And this genuinely feels like there's some tension going on. documents. One at a time. Yes. Yes. Yeah. And he's only shredding these documents for intrigue. And this genuinely feels like there's some tension going on. And I wrote in the notes, all I'll say here is, don't get too attached to this level of tension.

Yeah, right. Yeah, no. Don't get too comfy here. Right. And also never wonder what he's shredding or what the fuck any of this is. A guy comes up to the door and you can see him through the window, through the like the translucent window or whatever. He hides, he grabs a letter opener and he steps off to the side, you know? He steps to the wrong side!

He does! He does! I wanted so badly for the guy to open the door and be like, were you hoping to hide behind the door? You know you have to be behind the door for a hide behind the door, right? You're just very clearly in my sight. Hide. So, but the dude throws up, puts a letter through the mail slot. It is terrifying males.

The guy is terrified of the male when it lands. Yes. Oh, it's just a letter. Oh, okay. All right. Well, let's start upon. I hope he's like that whenever the pause button comes. Yes. Ah!

But he has to go to the Saint James church. So we cut to a gam justifying church. And by the way, on the way over here, I noticed that like, I feel like the cinematographer for this movie was actually pretty talented and generally like found great shots. And I felt so fucking bad for this person that their talent was being wasted on this dumbass movie. I just wanted to point that out. The one person doing their job well

was the cinematographer. You did a great job, man. And that cinematographer, Michael Flatley. He did it all. Michael Flatley. How late into, because here's the thing, right? And we've all been a part of this in some capacity or another.

How late into the process do you think the cinematographer realized, oh, there's no movie? Why did I wake up at 4 a.m. For the last three months? Yeah Poor guy. So okay, so this character he goes into the church He's carrying something he hands it off to this hot nun and then he kisses her Right cuz he thought he was gonna die and he just wanted to tick get off with a nun off his bucket list Oh, okay run to get off with a nun off his bucket list. He's like, I've got to run to the church, kiss a nun, tick.

But yeah, but he hands her something. The other nuns rather look on disapprovingly. We see that there are three bad guys following close behind him. In perfect unison. They're walking in perfect unison. He's been chased by a boy band. I was with Nicola. And Nicola said, oh, yeah, Michael Flutty.

The choreography skills never leave you. That's the last thing to do. Never leave you. Yeah, like riding a bike. I wanted them, they passed by the nun when they're chasing him and I wanted them to kiss her too. Right? Yeah, yeah. This is what we have to, okay, good to see you. Does he, does he pass us something in the kiss? Is that what that is? I think it's meant to be like he kisses her, but it's quite a big thing because this is like going to be like the secret formula, blah, blah, blah, blah on a on like a mini disc or something.

Did he smuggle that across in his mouth? I don't know why because he could have just walked up and handed to her. There was no one around. Do I like slip it in a pocket or something? Yeah, I think he did just hand it to her, but then he also kissed her because he wanted to knock that off his bucket list. Which is good because he's going to be dead by the end of this scene, right? Like, so he runs off through the alley and he runs himself into one of the many dead ends that you find on London streets.

And that's the one thing I hated about visiting London was all the dead ends, but... Yep, that's what I say. He gets to a dead end, the bad guys catch up and they're like, we want the hollow coin. What does that mean? Never, like, we would just, you know as much as you will ever know. Makes no sense.

And later we will see a mini disc and I'm like, I think Michael Flatley saw one of those and was like, oh, it's one of those hollow coins, the spiders. And they're like, oh no, it's just a mini, you know what, yeah, it's a hollow coin. Yeah. So, but they shoot that guy and then we cut over to hot nun. She's walking out of the

church. She ditches the habit. She wasn't really a nun. And then she hands something off to a car that's passing by. Yeah. And it feels like the handoff could have been just straight to the car. Right. Because they don't chase the car down. There's no one following the car. So the guy could have just like walked past the car and given it to the car and not had the whole hot non-scene and not getting killed In the alley scene would have worked out was better for him. Yeah, I probably still would have got killed in the alley But the guys were at the following were on foot. They weren't gonna keep up with the car

Yeah, one of the guy to roll down the window of the car. Wait, wait, wait. Did you French kiss the guy who gave this? Oh, you did? Okay, good I'll take the hollow coin 100 hours of aOL on it. Yes. I wanted her to have to kiss him as well. And like that's like instead of having like a secret cord that spies use like, Oh, right.

What's the weather like? Well, it's raining in Japan right now. Nothing like that. It's just like, yeah, full on French kiss. Yeah. Oh, you know what? He did counterclockwise with his tongue. He's not the real deal.

Oh, no. I'd watch that in this impossible movie. So then we cut to Barbados because when you're self-financing a movie, why the fuck not, right? And also, when coincidentally, Michael Flatley also lives in Barbados and the Barbados government have a 25% tax credit scheme that you filmed there. Yeah, right. So, but we're gonna he owns this bar he owns this fancy bar, which I suppose is it supposed to be You the bar from fucking Casablanca, right? It's like where all of the criminals come to meet or whatever Yes, yes called the blue moon and Nicola when she was watching it was livid that the logo was across and not a moon Is that why would it be across?

Several times no, I'm with Nic go. This came up several times. No, I'm with Nikolai. I have that several times in my notes as well. So yeah, so we get Michael Flatley walking through the bar. Everybody's gathered around him telling him all this important stuff. He's sipping coffee from a tiny, ridiculously tiny little.

Comically small. Why would you give him such tiny, constantly grout? Again, they just kept him a smaller and smaller mug Notice it's like if Robert De Niro's character at the end of raging bull got to direct Everybody loves me. That's what happens. I know that. Oh, and there's a jazz singer that well, there's a woman lip-syncing poorly to jazz songs. She looks at Michael Flatley and wants to fuck him. All the women in this movie will look at Michael Flatley and want to fuck him.

Yeah, and every single woman in this film is 20 years younger than any man in this film. And yeah, they all want Michael Flat. 20 is so generous. Yeah. If you added the ages of all the women in this movie together, I don't think you would reach Michael Flat. Michael Flat is age is fucking like it's like, is this your grandpa levels of age difference? You can see women being gentle in their grasp of him. That's so much older than them he is. And there's a great acting moment as well because they're trying to make out that this is the place where everybody gathers. They're expecting the Prince of Albania to come. And at one point his staff says, oh, and there's the Matthews are on table 12. And like one,

I think you should be a bit more discreet than just like saying that loudly across a crowded bar. Right. But we get to the top of the stairs and Michael Flatley tries to act, but it looks like he's counting the tables individually to get to the Matthew also. Like one, two, three, four. Okay, there's the Matthew over there. There they are. I found them. Found them.

Hey, I found the Matthew. Everybody gives you one. So then we also, we cut over to two of his assistants. This is Matidi and I never caught the female characters, the concierge character's name. But it's Matidi and the concierge. Okay, I didn't realize this towards the end of the movie because I thought Matidi was just like the guy that works for him in Barbados.

But later in the movie, it will be revealed that Matidi was a spy as well, right? Yeah, absolutely. It's incredible to me because Michael Flatley was in that spy group and that it retires to own a fucking hotel in Barbados and Matiti was in the same group and retires to be his mansoul. He was like, fellas, I think I've got to take a step back from this spy life. I'm going to relax and own a Casablanca bar. And Matiti was like, do you need a butler? I was thinking of bottling right after this. I'm the only African-American character who's not a villain in the movie. Yes. Yep. And his friend Nick, who is also one of the spies, he also moved to Barbados with him,

but doesn't have to do any work. It's so fucked up. So we dig into that relationship a little bit more. But we get Metini and the female concierge, they get a phone call and it's just, it's just somebody saying, hey, can we come stay at your hotel? And they're like, yeah, man, sure can.

Right, but it's an evil bad guy. We're trying, we have to introduce that the notorious Blake Malanue is coming to stay at this hotel, right? Mmm. And so Matiti comes out to tell Michael Flatley about this and he's like, hey man, I think this guy might be mixed up with Libyan terrorism. You sure you want him at the hotel and Michael Flatley is like, yeah, no, that's good. That's fine. I don't care. Yeah, he's got like a his responses basically

Well, that's none of my business like like Michael Flutley's character has a live and let live approach to death formula that will kill everybody on the planet So yeah, so the jazz singer comes to flirt with him a little bit the 22 year old jazz singer character comes to flirt with him And we just comfortable. She literally says, well, Nicola was saying, oh, Michael Flatley here really wants us to think he's handsome. And as she says that, the sexy jazz lady comes over and says, you're looking very handsome Michael Flatley. Oh.

A reminder that is a line that Michael Flatley wrote for a girl in his 20s to say about him. He's like, yeah, that's a reasonable thing she would say. Yeah. Yeah. And I think the dance fight at the end of every River Dance show is riveting. And whoever said it was silly is wrong.

I'm a young person. YOLO. No, I don't think there's any hypocrisy in living in a tax haven and then making all your public statements being about how much charity you're raising and how great you are as a philanthropist. I see nothing wrong with that. Michael Plotty rolled this line for me.

Yeah, right. Right. So, yes, but he closes out the bar, all the beautiful women gather around desperately hoping to fuck him that night. He actually, he walks up to his buddy, Nick, the white guy and he goes, Nick, you are my very good friend.

And then he walks over to Matini, the black guy. And he goes, Matini, you are my employee. Yes, he does. And Matini, just to be clear, I really don't like to make business and friendship, so... I do need you to clock out if you're gonna come whisper to secrets into my ear.

And by the way, we're like 17, 18 minutes into this movie. Nothing has happened, right? This movie is so fun to watch that I kept being ridiculously far into this movie, nothing has happened, right? This movie is so fun to watch that I kept being ridiculously far into the movie being like, they still haven't done anything. Nothing happens. They've got 14 seconds left in the movie. I'm loving it.

Especially of all the things that don't happen, Michael Flattie's character is the least involved in anything that does happen. He's the only one, Other stuff is happening vaguely around it, but he does nothing for the entire fucking film and he's meant to be the star. So okay, so now we've got to introduce our bad guy. So we cut to this overgrown jungle orphanage or something like that that the bad guys are torturing a dude in. This scene is remarkable for how little it will matter to the remainder of the film. It's Michael Flatley was like, we need a really, really noisy torture scene, right? Because this actor, look, no small parts, he's really going for it, right?

He's decided his post-torture scream is like, um, like someone doing a mean impersonation of the Joker at the Joker. So like all the action movie beats that are playing out like, I'm a bad guy and you've disappointed me, which is all this scene is for establishing are kind of overshadowed by the fact that he's like, I will tell you, hurray, hurray, hurray. Hurray, hurray. And it's just the most lorum ipsum of villain monologues. Yeah. Really. I think he's enjoying himself so much

as he told to this ambassador. And you know, it's like they say, if you enjoy what you do, you'll never work a day in your life. And he's just really embodying that. Yeah. That's true. They do say that. This is Baruch, by the way. He will appear in one scene later in the movie and not do anything in that life. And now he's just really embodying that. Yeah. They do say that. This is Farouk, by the way.

He will appear in one scene later in the movie and not do anything in that scene. We've seen Christian movie actors just very clearly contribute cameos to movies and Farouk appears less than those cameos we've seen. So okay. So we get it's the next day. Flatley is starting another day of work at the bar. He's wearing a different hat because he's got a cycle through Yeah, he's literally at this point in the movie at one point He's wearing a hat and as he's doing a walk-and-talk an unnamed extra comes and presents it with a different

Yes, he swaps out hats for him. It's so fucking weird He's got a hot guy like her job is just to be the hat exchanger. Yes. She's in the middle of talking to someone. Oh, shit. 155. Sorry. He's do another hat. Yeah. World famous spy. Blackbird is do another hat. Yeah. Right. So, okay. So, but Mr. now it's time for Mr. Blake. Malinu, the bad guy to show up and check into the hotel and damn it.

If it is not Eric the fuck Roberts. Hell yes. Absolutely. Now, here's a fun game because I know a lot of people will like watch along and then pause and listen to us talk about it. So fun game to play if you're watching along or if you haven't watched this movie yet and you're deciding to this movie is called Watch Eric Roberts Get Blackout Drunk in the course of the film. Oh, it is. Yeah, absolutely. This first scene is the soberest he will be,

and he's already ready fucking drunk. Yes. Yes. It's like they don't normally shoot movies in chronological order with Eric Roberts, who you have to, and you have to write a script up by the end he's drunk, because it's just not gonna happen any other way. So he's checking in also with a girl that's 35 years younger than them.

This is Hottie McHotton Todd. You might recognize her from Captain America, the first Avenger. She was USO dancer number six of 20. There were 20 of them listening to the crash. She was among the 20. Everywhere you look for this movie, when it describes the cast, it credits her with the Captain America role, like it was a major role.

Yes. It's the best that they can do. Oh, Jesus. But yeah, but she recognizes Victor's buddy, Nick, as they're checking in, right? And then Eric is like, hey, wait, do you two know each other? And he's like, why no, we do not.

It's so funny how bad the performance is. Right, because we've all seen this part of a spy movie where it's like the person recognizes the other person and there's sort of a knowing look. But this actor who plays Nick is just staring at her, like her top fell open, the entire scene. And Eric Roberts is like, hey man, what are you doing? And he's like, nothing.

Yes. Nothing. Right. So yeah, so then we cut to a flatly and a church desperately justifying his gam inclusion here. Christian movie. Yeah, he does. Double Christian movie. Yeah. Well, and the priest even walks up to him here and he's like, hey man, are you actually going to do my religion this time? Or are you just here to sit around and be

mopey? And he's like, yeah, sit around and be mopey. Come on. Again. Have you noticed how nobody ever has a conversation at church while looking at each other? Yeah. Cause the priest does the classic thing. Michael Flatley's there in the pew. The priest walks up behind and stands adjacent

to the pew behind him. And they have a conversation like that. And you see in every, are you not allowed to look at each other in church? Is that a rule? Maybe you have to be looking at the crucifix the whole time or something. It's like when you're going to dinner with your wife

and they put you at a booth, but you have to be next to each other. It's really fucking awkward. Like, man, my neck hurts. Also, this priest as well, he's very clearly got like a northern accent. Like he's from Yorkshire or something like that. What's your story? How are you a Yorkshire priest at Michael Flatley's Barbadian church?

Right. Well, this brings up my favorite thing about the movie. And look, I know this is hypocritical because Americans do this all the time. Like the fucking aliens have, you know, Brooklyn accents. Yeah, right. Every Hollywood movie. But there was something so funny to me

about every single person in this multinational spy corporation being like, hello, my name is the Dark Queen of the Noite Now, don't you know? Yeah, but I just love the fact that he's the Ultra Priest because I think at this point as well, like he tries to get Flatley to confess his sins. Yes. Flatley's having none of it and the priest's like, all right, well, you know, if you need me, I'll be downpits. I'll be outside downpits. And also, we have to acknowledge the suit that Michael Flatley is wearing because this is his best worst suit of the entire movie. It's this golden yellow like like fucking McDonald's arches yellow

plaid jacket over a midnight blue shirt and tie. It would be a really adorable outfit to put a small child in. Like if I put my toddler in this outfit, everyone would be like, oh my god, that picture of him in the little yellow suit is so cute. Oh, and his hat is at that little angle. Yeah, exactly. It's like an adorable children's photo shoot, but he is 65. He's 65, y'all. He's 65. He's older than the age my dad was when he died. And he's walking around dressed like a cute fucking picture day for my toddler.

Yes. At this point, his hat has gone beyond jaunty. If his hat gets any more angled, he's going to be having to wear it vertically. This is staying on by a friction alone. He's balancing it on his head at this point. You know, you can do that thing where if you rub a balloon on your jumpy, you can get to stick to the wall. That's how they do that. Do you have to rub the hat on the jumper first? So we go back to the hotel.

Matisse is filling him in. He's like, hey, you know, Eric Roberts's character checked in, he's like, oh, okay, great. And then Nick, the buddy is like, hey, you know, Eric Roberts's character checked in. He's like, oh, okay, great. And then Nick, the buddy, is like, hey, Michael Flatley, I have something really important to tell you. And Michael Flatley's like, no, you don't. Because like it works better if he sees the blonde without expecting it, right?

Like that's the beat that they're going for, but it's so cartoonishly stupid in its execution that he's like, hey, I have to tell you something, it's important. And then his boss is like, no, it isn't. And he's like hey, I have to tell you something It's important and then his boss is like no it isn't and he's like oh, okay, bye Yeah, it's again the beat is supposed to be I'm too busy. Tell me later. Why didn't you tell me? But he's not too busy. He's just walking around dressed like a little sailor lad from a pornographic cartoon. So. Meanwhile, we got Eric Roberts and the blood,

Hottie McHotton, her character's name is Vivian. They're settling into their hotel. She comes in and her underwear and she's like, hey, which of these dresses with knee length necklines would you prefer me to wear tonight? Right. And Eric Roberts is like I'm playing Slate of Spire. Go do some work. Yeah, he's too busy working. He gives her a bunch of money and he's like, hey, go, you know, go out shopping and have yourself a good time. I don't

have time for you, right? He hands her this wad of notes and they look actively wet. It's like a Papier and Machet wad of notes. I don't know what Eric Roberts did to that money. That was what he was paid in. And they were like, Hey, Eric, do you mind if we use your big wad of money, which was exactly what you had in your contract, big wad of money? Big wet wad of money. A prop. Wad brackets wand. Yes. He was like, OK, but I already took a shower with it.

So. Just know that it's's gonna be so good. So she leaves, she's wearing a fucking, the dress, the neckline on her dress, literally plunges below her navel. Have you ever seen someone who's in a very revealing outfit and they're just uncomfortable? That's every woman in this movie, right? I would dress however you want.

And some people love to show off their bodies, but every actress here was shown their outfit for the day by Michael Flatley to the tune of, ah, ah, and they were like, God damn it. Yeah, he brings it out in an egg or whatever. And he's like, hey, wait, I got your, yeah. And so, and then Eric Roberts, we're back in his hotel. He gets a call on his 1956 phone from Ahmed, the Libyan terror.

Well, I did not see a writing credit for Jeff Dunham on this one. So this lawsuit's going to blow up. Get ready, everyone. And when they get off the phone, Ahmed says, don't disappoint me. And Eric Roberts, again, we've heard that cliche line a thousand times in movies, Eric Roberts's response, stay with me for the rest of my days. Eric Roberts says, I don't disappoint anyone ever.

Yes, Eric Roberts says, I wrote my notes, I'm like, well, Vivian didn't seem too impressed on me, honestly. It feels like that's like an affirmation his therapist has given him. Like Eric Roberts' therapist. Like, you're fine, Eric, just remember, you are worth it, you're worth it, it's okay.

What other people think of me is none of my business. I'm Eric Roberts. So then we cut to Vivian. She's out on the beach in a hilariously revealing bikini again that chosen by a 12 year old boys erection. Yeah. This is where we meet Kwan. So she's got this security linebacker that follows her around and watches her wherever

she goes and she's not super comfortable with it. And this movie does not do enough to establish that it's not because he's black, right? There's like... No, it does not. Yes, no. It does not. It really should. They should have maybe gotten a white guy for this one. Because there's a lot of like, I don't like the way he looks at me and I'm like, yeah, second out of two black guys, huh? Second out of two black guys? I mean, look, I know Michael Flatley wrote the script. So there was no way someone was going to come up to Michael Flatley and be like,

hey, Michael, I'm worried that's a little racist. And he's like, well, you have not heard my Twitter, okay? Yeah, right, yeah. This is me toned down. Well, when Michael Flatley meets Kwan, he describes him as, he's a big unit. And it's like, yeah, because like the N word is frowned on these days.

So he says that in the script instead. Yeah. Now someone changed that in his script and he was like, I swear I wrote the way. You know what I'm just saying. I must have wrote unit. Yeah, so, but this is where Michael Flatley sees Vivian for the first time.

And we get this conversation that might as well have been made with cliche movie magnets on his fridge. He goes, and I quote, you're a sight for sore eyes. And she says, and I quote, no one has seen you for years. We feared you were dead. We are Jesus Christ. She delivers these lines with all the conviction of an AI generated YouTube video like what has been involved in the making of at all. Yeah. Yeah, but she's like, no, I'll explain the plot to you later. So she runs off, he goes back to chat with his buddy Nick and he's like, Hey, why didn't you warn me about it? And he's like, but I did. And remember, you walked by

and he said it wasn't important. He's like, Right. Right. Shit. And a thing I have to point out. One thing we've described Michael Flatly's hat We've described his suit We haven't described his way of wearing shirts because I think as this film goes on He loses a button in each scene like he's playing a sort of strip poker in between He rewards himself for every take by eating a button Off of whatever shirt he's wearing. And again, like you can see the body of an elderly person, right? Michael finally looks fine.

He keeps in shape. He's got a personal trainer. He's got all that, you know, fucking tap dance and money. But like, I don't want to see Joe Biden in a G string either. It's fucking disconcerting. And then, OK, so we cut to Eric and Vivian. They're having lunch together. And Eric is quite impressed with the view

and the rates are quite reasonable too at this hotel that they're staying at. Well, there's really a great place to vacation. Does he say, what a beautiful view? And she says, this place is fabulous. And I think this is Michael Fletley's, if not his actual property, then certainly he's arranged a deal with the owners of this hotel is fabulous. And I think this is Michael Fletley's, if not his actual property, then certainly he's arranged to deal with the owners

of this hotel to get them to use this. So this feels like straight out of the brochure. Like they get to use that in an advert somewhere. Yeah. Well, and she's complaining about not wanting a black guy around all the time to Eric Roberts. And he's like, all right, I'll have him back off a little bit.

And then a henchman comes to whisper something to him that's very important. And he's so gentle and quiet with it. He's such like a delicate whisper, maybe Gekle. It's not like kind of like, so I've got some intel, but he's like, so well, I just want to let you know you look great today, Eric. You don't ever disappoint anyone.

Thank you. I know I gave you 50 bucks to say that to me every 17 minutes, but I really did. You're doing a great job with it. Also, the moment that I've always wanted to happen in a bad guy movie actually happens here, which is that he gets the ominous whisper and the lady's like, what was that? And he's like, oh, you could, you could see the ominous whisper. Nothing?

Yes, right. Right. Um, he was making fun of you. Just tell me I don't disappoint anyone. All right. Well, I know this is a random-ass fuck spot for a break, but in my defense, they all are. So we're just going to take one here, but we'll be back in a minute with even more

Blackbird. No, that won't do. Hey, Marsh, what's the matter? Yeah, what's you working on? Oh, hey, thanks. Submit it with even more Blackbird. No, that won't do. Hey, Marsh, what's the matter? Yeah, what's you working on? Oh, hey fellas, yeah, I'm just searching the internet for speedwalking workouts. Speedwalking?

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That's F-I-T-B-O-D dot M-E slash gam. All right, Nicola, here I come. Okay, but like how fast can she really be walking? So we went to see my niece run the 100 meter dash this year at school and Nicola took first prize on her way to the loo. Wow. All right, I called together this secret meeting of the evil secret cabal of war criminals.

I am known as the volcano. I'm destroying villages of men, women and children and that is why I wear our ring. And I am the viper. I poisoned a thousand wells and left innocence with the choice of death or thirst. My reputation tells you what they chose. That's why I wear the ring. Hi everyone. I'm Craig. I put up the red cross flag in my dorm room. So yeah, that's why I wear the ring. Sorry, who is this guy?

Oh, he is Greg. I'm Craig. No, I heard his name. What did you do? Oh, yeah, right. So I spent a summer volunteering for the Red Cross in Uzbekistan, and so I put up a Red Cross in my dorm room. That's not a war crime! Oh no, technically it is. It's the misuse of an amnesty symbol. It's actually pretty serious. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, but like... I mean... There's come on! Look mate, we're all war criminals here and I'm ready to get down to business. You're the one who seems like you'd rather be chatting. I'm fine to get down to business. You're the one who seems like you'd rather be chatting. I'm fine, fine. So I was thinking maybe we plant a bomb in a school. Oh, excellent. Perhaps a dirty bomb for a touch of poison. You evil bastard, I love it.

Yeah, yeah, and I was thinking we could put up some red cross flags while we're there. Seriously? Well, you did your thing, I'm doing there. Seriously? Well, you did your thing. I'm doing mine. He's right, you did. Oh, all right, fine. And we're back for more of this shit. We're gonna rejoin the action with a little shirtless shot

of flatly shaving. In case you were worried, we weren't gonna get a shot of those abs. And guys, can you believe he's 65? Is Flutley wants you to think as you watch this? Yoke. Yeah. How many times do you think someone had to explain to him that he wasn't allowed to script us the audience in the age? He's like, no, no, I just... I went to one of the Maraki horror picture shows in the old yelded out at the same time.

And I just want like a, you know, whoo, whoo, or I wouldn't I be so lucky? I'll give everyone in the audience $1,000. Hey, y'all. Well, what's truly amazing about this is that we just see him shaving shirtlessly and hunched over so as to obviously flex his abs. Which, hey, look at my abs, I look that,

I would hunch over every time I was shirtless in front of a mirror, I get it. And then that scene is over Right, that was it. Hmm. That was it. There was no point to that. No So and then we cut to the concierge lady she is calling a pay phone in London to get a background check on Eric Roberts and I Guess we're to assume that this character always stays by this pay phone Or that she has a particular minute where she calls

It's like you know how you call certain people in your family because if you don't you've Admitted that they're not your family anymore. That's what this movie does to its own beginning, right? Right. Hey, none part of the movie. We remember you. Right. We do. Yeah. House cousin Schmigging. I love that analogy, Eli, because that's why I told Cole my family.

Yeah, you say exactly. Yeah. And they haven't gotten the message and it sucks. Am I right, Mosh? But yeah, but she's calling to get a background check on Blake Malinu and the guy who is one of the guys at the funeral who was talking about how Michael Flatley was the best at what he does. The guy is, he's like, well, I actually know. I've heard of Eric Roberts. He's super dangerous.

He's probably doing something super evil that's going to kill a bunch of people. We're going to need Michael Flatley to come out of retirement and superspy this one for us. Right. And I don't know why. I don't know why they need him in particular. They don't say like, oh, he's the greatest assassin. No. And therefore we need him to kill him.

That he's the greatest at like sneaking around listening to stuff. Only he can sneak around listening. His skill set is never defined. No. And why nobody else has even... If they're still the MI6 kind of agency, do they have nobody on staff who can do anything approaching spy work? Like, oh, it has to be the 65-year-old guy. Right, because I feel like the second best spy would still be pretty good.

It'd be fine. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, this is quite a serious thing. I feel like you put your resources into the people you've got rather than spend all your time trying to coax like a septigenarian or a, well, a sectigenarian out of retirement. Yes. Right. Well, especially when we're eventually going to learn that this guy didn't even have the sense to put his like, MacGuffin into the safe at the hotel. He's just got a fucking briefcase.

Sure did not. I don't feel like you need the world's number one spy for this shit. Not even a locked briefcase. No. It's got a lock. Spoilers. Not locked. Exactly. So, yeah, okay. So now we're going to get this long shot of the bar, this long panning shot of the bar. Again, the cinematographer way too good for this fucking movie. We watched the jazz singer, jazz lip sinker lady, this is Madeline, she walks around the bar eye fucking Michael Flatley, right?

Yeah. She sings at some point and I don't know who told her about Mike technique but she, she smooths her first work up against her jazz mark in a way that I imagine would not sound nearly as pleasant as the voice of first America could say. It's like the first year and a half of Eli podcasting. That's how much she knows about mic placement. Yeah, but if the microphone was pointed the right way. She's got the mic pointed at the floor.

Yeah. So, by the way, we should point out here at this point, this is the only time we'll ever see Michael Flatley with all the buttons done on his shirt. And you can see why he never has all the buttons done. These buttons are screaming in pain. Hardest working actors in the movie. Hardest working actors. And guys, has anyone ever noticed that Michael Flatley is a bit like a modern Frank Sinatra?

Yes, Michael Flatley has noticed that. He's the only one to have noticed that. Yes, he's noticed that quite a bit. Yes. Oh, God, and at this point I wrote my notes. I'd love for something to happen. I'd actually pay for something to happen right now. I would buy some fireworks just to set them off in the middle of this goddamn dance floor. But this is where he asks Vivian for a dance. And we're like, of course we're all like, all right, well, as terrible as this guy is,

he's a good dancer at the very least. Maybe this will be a fun, exciting scene where he rips up the dance floor with Vivian. No, no, it's like me dancing at a fucking wedding. So it's not weird. Just a weird slow dance. They do the rockin' forth. Yeah, they're just like man Man, he doesn't even dipper or do anything. You're a dancer. Yes

You're a good dancer. Ah, and it's not totally clear why she would dance I mean obviously we'll find out that they know each other but in the sort of the story of this of what we've seen so far It's not totally clear and all I can assume is that Michael flatly can just get any woman at the bar to dance with him because this is his island and he has prima nocta or something. Yes! That's how Eric Roberts reacts. He's like, no, no, he owns the bar. You're allowed to just dance with my fiance of you. And everything in it, yeah.

I'm gonna do that at QED this year. I'm just gonna walk over to random people's partners, husbands, mothers, and just be like, may I start slow dancing with them? I was wondering which bit you said you were gonna do at QED because we have very specific policies about some of those on those bananas. Yeah, exactly.

You know, first year I came to QED, I was a little confused about Prem and Octan. I have never heard the end of it from Nikola. Gee. Oh, Jesus. So yeah, so he gets done with his dance. Eric Roberts didn't seem to care much for it, but he's too drunk at this point to do anything about it.

I don't think that's a character choice, but yes, he is way too drunk to care. So then, okay. So then flatly in his team, head over to this outdoor office so they can give him the background report on Eric Roberts. And this, this is such a weird tonal shift because he's like in the previous scene, he ends the previous scene like staring at her tits from about three centimeters away and not saying a word. And then we immediately cut to him like doing this serious business. It's like, has he still probably got a semi-honor at this point as he's walking

in to discuss the terrorists. But this is where they point out, I love this detail. So God damn much. They point out that Eric Roberts is such a bad guy that he wears the ring that signifies the secret cabal of war criminals that are the very worst in the world. A secret society of war criminals.

Yes. And then this is where they explain what the MacGuffin is, and this is the best. I almost went with best where so much shit. This is so fucking good. They're like, he's gonna sell the formula that went missing in London to evil war criminals in Africa.

And Michael Flutley, of course, is like, what's the formula? Well, what he specifically says, Michael Flutley says, tell me more about these secret formulas. And I wrote, well, to begin with, the word the formula. Well, what he specifically says, Michael Flutley says, tell me more about these secret formulas. And I wrote, well, to begin with the word is formula. It's a different plural, Michael, but anyway, we'll skip over that. Sorry, I'll write you a pen. To be fair, he says, farm your lars.

So, you know, you know, you know what the fuck knows. That's true. But yeah, but they tell him that the formula, this is so fucking good. The formula improves and supercharges your immune system. And I'm like, so you just walk around dripping snot and coffin all the time with a fucking fever. Check this out, Marsh.

We know from our years of Be Reasonable, that's a great thing to do. Yep, yep, yep. It's incredibly important, yeah, absolutely. You gotta boost that immune system. But, so with that formula, you could live a world without pain or disease. And I'm like, I think a world without pain would be a terrible idea. That sounds awful. I don't think I want that.

You jump on way more stages, Noah. Exactly. But he says, but if you alter one ingredient, it'll kill you. Is that how formulas work? Well, it is. That's how table salt works. Right? There's an extraordinary number of everyday chemicals where you just have to alter one fucking ingredient for it to kill you.

You wouldn't have to buy, because what they establish is that if you put this in the water supply, anybody who drinks it'll die. And I'm like, there's already stuff that does that. You don't need a secret fucking compound. I mean, alter one ingredient and it'll die and I'm like, there's already stuff that does that. You don't need a secret fucking compound. I mean, alter one ingredient and it'll kill you. That's true of Bolognese.

If you like switch the ground beef for uranium. The iron shavings, yeah, no, that'll do it every time. Don't do it every time. Do you think, because they make it seem like it gives you aids and I bet there are cut lines from the script where Michael Flatley was like Oh, it's like the AIDS isn't and they were like Please stop saying AIDS So okay, so he's learning that and meanwhile Eric and Vivian are having dinner and she's mad because he's not spending enough time with her

And I wrote in my notes, are those the stakes? Currently, yes. Also, at this point, I realize Eric Roberts is the best actor in this film. He's outacting Eric Robert. I mean, he'll undermine that a second later in this very scene, but he's still better than everyone else in this entire film. It's it's that is not a good bar to have somehow gone under. The Eric Roberts bar is not one to limbo under.

And I should point out for those playing along, Eric Roberts is fucking drunk. Like she's like, I don't know. I thought we were going to spend time together. And he's like, how the fess. He gets all mad. She talks back. So he slaps the table. He's all mad. And there's this great

moment. This is my favorite space work moment in the history of God awful movies. He's mad at her. He doesn't want to talk about this anymore. He just wants to eat his food. So he picks up his knife and fork like I'm going to eat my food now. But the food that's sitting in front of him is a Caesar salad. Right. So he has to, he has to roll with this and he acts like he's going to use this knife to eat his lettuce and croutons. She storms off and we cut back to him and he's literally cutting up his salad with this little bite. He's cutting up his salad. Yup, because he's fucking committed. Also, he's drunk. Do you think, does Eric Roberts do weird food stuff in every movie that he's in?

Because he has the sandwich in Jingle Smell. Oh, you're right. Yeah, maybe that's his thing. Like a very weird approach to food. In which case he's a fucking genius. Look, I've been with Heath after 10 p.m. at night and if I was like Big Jara Pickles, he'd be like, Big Jara Pickles.

I think that's just Eric Roberts' situation. So, but when we cut back to Flatley, they've given him the background report. He's like, look, I don't want to have anything to do with Eric Roberts in the fucking formula that's going to kill millions in Africa, whatever, no big deal, right? Yeah, he's saying like, oh yeah,

I don't want to be in that life anymore because that life ruined everything, which presumably is why he thinks they should just let the baddies have the kill everyone portion. So the entire world dies, which wouldn't be ruining everything. That'll be fine by Flackey. As long as he keeps his bar.

Right, yeah. And by the way, ruining everything means move to Barbados and live in this fucking fancy ass hotel bar all the time. It must be awful. Yeah, own this Casa Blanca bar. Surrounded by women a third of his age who want to fuck it. Yes, right.

Nightmare life he lived. Exactly. Okay, so he says no, and then we need to talk about the funniest thing that's ever happened to me in the entire universe. We totally do. I wanna be culturally sensitive here because this was such a specific moment that I was like,

is this a thing that I need to know about culturally? Cause there's no way it's, you can't, I can't live if this is just a choice and actor made, It needs to be- Which culture do you think does this? This is what I'm saying. It needs to be an Irish tradition. Listen to me.

That when you lose an important argument, you bang your head on the table. Otherwise, this actor has made the craziest choice ever. Cause he walks out and, listener, the way that you or I might like pound our fist into our other fist or maybe slam our fist down onto the table, this actor does with his own hand. He just bounces his head off the table.

Okay. I think I understand it. I think I understand it because you'd bang your hand on the table if you were frustrated, but what you're not bearing in mind here Eli is the stakes. The actors trying to convey the stakes. This isn't like, oh, you know, you got into an argument about which parking space you should have used or who was late for the thing. This is about the entire world dying.

A simple hand banging on the table. That's not going to convey how bad this is. It's got to be the head. I can see his thinking. It's great. So not only does he do that, but then every other actor in the movie is like, hey man, what the fuck was that? That really did. And he's like, I had a girl that hurt a lot. That actor is like, oh, why did I head... There's no way that was in the script, right? That's not in the script. And that's why everyone reacts that way. It was like, whoa man, what did you just do? Yeah.

All right, so here's what actually fucking happened. I watched this scene like 11 fucking times because it's the funniest thing in the world. He just storms off and this guy head butts the table and you're like, what? And so I kept going back. I think what happened is that he slammed both hands on the table, but he moved his head down as he did it

and he moved out of frame. Oh. So it looks like he just head butted the table. They moved his head down as he did it, and they moved out of frame. Oh. So it looks like he just had butt at the table, but he actually just left. No, I'm so relieved. I'm so relieved. I was just like, this is not, I don't know what's,

I can't move forward in a world where when this guy's kid comes home with a B minus, everyone has to put pillows around. Yeah, Eli, you've saved Eli a lot of problems at the Dublin live show that you'll never do in the future. All right. So yeah, so flatly, he's having a drink, drowning in his sorrows, remembering the good times with his fiance. This is where I wrote this is the Goddiest room I've ever seen that didn't have Donald Trump in it. And then it's, oh, him and his fiance, they're having dinner in the dining room, but it's the world's biggest table.

But they're perjury awkwardly on the very, very end. Like, this was, like, I know this was shot in his house, but it feels like maybe like the real estate agent was coming around to take some shots for the sale later. And he's like, well, don't mess up the whole table because I'm off to clean the whole table. Right. and he's like, well, don't mess up the whole table because I'm off to clean the whole table before we do the sale. Just this corner is fine and that way we don't need to. You won't mess up the varnish or anything. And I know this is hard to say after the scene we just fucking did,

but this might be the funniest fucking scene in the movie. Cause this is where Madeline the jazz singer comes in. Right? She's wearing this robe. She drops her robe. She's got a G string underneath it. She like looks back at him coquettishly like, yes, I desperately wanna fuck you, grandpa.

Mm-hmm. And what does she say at this point, Noah? Oh God, does she say anything? I don't think she says anything, does she? No one says anything in this whole fucking scene. It is astonishing. She just walks in silently, drops her robe, stands there in her knickers and her high heels,

looks over her shoulder, and nobody says a fucking word until she's back at the door. It is wild to me. Right. He just puts her fucking robot and sends her away. And I'm like, maybe that's because you're 61 years older than her. Is that why? Yeah. Is that what it is, buddy? Is that what it is? Also, I love that this actress was like, no, I'm not showing my boobs for this movie. And he was like, what about for this movie and he was like, what about side boob and shadow? And she's like, you're fine.

Like this is a like contractually obligated side boob, if ever I see one. Absolutely, but I also, I wonder whether there's an element of they didn't know what rating the film was gonna have to get by the end. It's like, okay, well, don't have her tits out because I, Michael Flatley won't wanna have to cut her tits back out of the film.

Like, what's in there? They're in for good. So, you know, he can't trust himself with that. He walks her out like, you're a feed a neighborhood cat and the owners put a collar on it that's like, don't feed me because the cat's getting fat because it's your fault. That's how he walks her out.

He's like, I'm sorry, but I know I've been, I've been putting out a can of whiskey's but you you have a name Yeah, so he sends her away he has another flashback This is where we see that like the bad guys lighting his fiance up like a medieval lady with an opinion, right? Don't worry. It will get funnier. It will it is already that funny and it will only get funnier He's also wearing the world's tightest leather jacket. Like it is way too tight as he's walking in the woods. Yeah, child's gap.

And then he wakes up at the end of his flashback and I think he wakes up like shocked because he's like, why did nobody tell me how tight that jacket was? I got, I got. When you see a forge of yourself from 10 years ago, it's like, I can't believe I wore that. What my friends do.

Could they not have said something? He's like, is that I think. Not at all, Marsh. Can't relate to that at all. Morgan cut that. Yeah, you were like, I can't believe I wore that. What would my friends do? Could they not have said something? Is that, I think? Not at all, Marsh. Can't relate to that at all. Morgan cut that. Yeah, you were like, remember that time you used to wear like respectable clothing? What were my friends letting me do to you?

Yes, exactly. So, okay. So the next day we see that Vivian is mad at Eric. She's giving him the silent treatment, right? Nick still hasn't given up on trying to get Michael Flatley to prevent the war crimes, but Michael Flatley's given up that life, damn it. Can we talk about his hat in this scene? As he's like, he's moving bottles because he's a regular Joe who mucks it. He's not one of those

kind of bottles. He's moving the bottles. He's moving crates of bottles like from his left to his right. Everyone else is carrying them in like quite a distance. But he is wearing an incredibly low-cut shirt like open all the way, and a flat cap. And it is an adorable flat cap. It is lovely. It's like, you've ever seen that thing on YouTube, I forget what they're called, but there's a school that does like really nice musicals

with kindergartners. It's like their production of Guys and Dolls. There you go, yeah. Size and everything. Like he just took the costumes direct. Well, yeah, and then, and this is of course where the concierge comes out and swaps out his bottle moving hat for his driving hat for him.

Yeah, right? He goes to leave and Nick says, hey, you know what, 10 years ago, you wouldn't have just let this formula fall into the wrong hands and flatly he's like, well, that was before the time jump, wasn't it? We cut ahead, if you recall. He's like, yeah, he's like,

God damn it, don't make me explain my backstory in front of the staff. At least wait for a private doodly-doo. And again, I was of the, I'm really happy to learn this wasn't the case, but I was now of the belief that the character, Nick Bad Butts things when he's upset, and they're talking in front of a fountain,

and I was like, is he gonna- No, this is dangerous. Is he gonna headbut butt that fucking down? Do people need to make where they give Nick bad news? You know, I do want to talk to you, but not here in the middle of this apple orchard. Can we? Michael, I'm interested in the yard there.

You've hired a bouncy castle, like an inflatable bouncy castle. Nick, can we meet in the bouncy castle? I'm like, can we meet in the bouncy castle? I need you to sit down, but then I need you to your pants and go, Nick, can we meet in the bathroom? We need to talk. I need you to sit down, but then I need you to sway up and down slightly as I move, like an auctione kind of. Oh, this isn't good. My wife just said she wants to meet me at mattress barn.

Yes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha So Nick storms off, he's all very upset. Michael Flatley gets in his car and just then Vivian jumps into the passenger seat and she's like drive because she wants to escape from Quan, right? So they drive off. We see Quan, he has to like dingy his way out to the big boat to tell Eric Roberts that Vivian escaped. And Eric Roberts is like, it doesn't matter, Nothing in this movie has consequences. So you're fine. Okay. What's happening right now on this boat, guys? So they've gone to the sea to do a bank transfer by internet.

I think. He's hacking? He's having to hack the fucking... He's got a South African hack. The South African hackers accent is is incredible I love a South African accent on a bad white guy's I can't do it with all the time precious it's lovely absolutely love it

they also but they brought champagne and boat babes yes okay can I say heavy air quotes on the boat babe these people were like yeah no if you rent the boat we will stand on it but only if you don't leave the dock and Michael Flat Flatley was like, short boat, babe. Yeah, right, right. I feel like they were working at the boat, like the place where rich people buy boats and they were the sort of the thing to lure

people into the boat. And Michael Flatley was like, I'll take the boat and the girls for an hour. All right, fine. Yes. Right, right. So yeah, so they're on the boat. He's talking to his South African hacker guy and he's giving him like more generic bad guy talk, but so the hacker has to hack harder, right? Cause he's threatening him. He's like, you know, if you don't hack hacky enough, then I'm gonna hack you up. And so the hacker types really fast.

And can we just let the listeners be fully aware of Eric Robert's other motivational technique when it comes to your hacker banker? It's not working fast enough. What you need to do is just straddle them from behind and like slowly dry hump them and that will really speed up. And in fairness, if I was that close to Eric Robert, I would suddenly become an incredibly good hacker. I'd somehow channel it somehow, yeah. I could play concert piano. It's the alternative. What's being dry-humped by Eric Roberts.

So the hacker's like, yeah, so we got out, we did the hacking, and he's like, okay, so transfer this money from me. And he's like, oh, I can't do that because we don't have money in that account yet. And Eric Roberts is like, oh, all right, well, throw him off the boat. And so he's a henchman, throw the hacker off the boat. They're not like, they're not moving at the time, right? Let's just well, throw him off the boat. And so he has a henchman throw the hacker off the boat.

They're not like, they're not moving at the time, right? Let's just be- And they're not for? No, like this guy could just like- They're like really close. Swim back to the boat and go like, well, now my shoes are wet, you asshole. Yes, and he continues to participate

in the conversation. He's like, oh, come on now, Gorse. Yes, Frank. Oh. And what I love about it is, that's just a very light-hearted prank. Then one of the other people in the board is like, hey, you can't do a light-hearted prank like that.

And Quan breaks his neck. Fuck, it breaks his neck! So the boat babes are just witnesses to murder now? Do we have to step down next? And over such a low stakes, he just like pushed the guy off into not that deep waters. Well, that is something worth breaking someone's neck to cover up. No one accuses Eric Roberts of breaking the pool rules because that would be disappointing someone

and I never disappoint anybody ever. In fairness, it is pool rules because he's also just heavy petted him as he was hacking. So he's broken two of the pool rules. Right. This way he needed us to turn talking to you. So, okay. so then we cut to Flatley and Vivian walking on the beach discussing her backstory. We are halfway through this with 45 minutes into this movie at this point, literally nothing has happened. I wrote my notes at this point, I will suck this movie's dick

if that will make a thing happen, but it won't. Oh, see, I was loving this. I was loving this the way that like, you ever see someone get up and waste too much of their time of their best man speech on a bit. And then they have like four, they realize they have four seconds left to be nice because they were too busy doing like an impersonation

of a seagull or whatever. That's what this movie does. The movie blew its wad on Michael Flatley in his tiny little baby outfit. And now they were like, shit, shit, guys, we have 36 minutes to finish a movie. Right. It is, but it's literally the opposite of that. Because I think all the fundamental scenes that are actually like of anything actually happening in this movie, and we haven't really had many

of them just yet, those were the ones that they filmed in 2018 when they said the movie was finished, but it wasn't. Right. And then when they were shipping it around, like we get someone to actually do the rest of it and no one did, they're like, fuck, we've got to fill the rest of this movie. And that's what we've covered so far is just like, whoo, just Michael Flattie like twiddling his thumbs

and people like whistling down with their hands in their pockets. That's what we've been experiencing. Yeah. So, okay. But then they explained their backstory. She was still a spy with the agency and was tasked with keeping an eye on Eric Roberts and fell in love with him. Now she's gonna marry him, right?

And Vivian turns to him and she's like, so that's my backstory, what's your backstory? And he's like, it's weird that you would ask because you know this already, but yeah, I will also tell you my backstory, right? Yeah. But this is where we learned that he and Firegirl were secretly

engaged. He kept it a secret because he didn't want any of his secret spy shit to come back on her. But it did. But then he brought her on a mission? It's entirely unclear. Oh, was she kidnapped maybe? No fucking idea. It was bring your fiance to Spycraft Day and I really shouldn't have taken it as seriously. And when we see flashbacks, the mission does just look like a paintball game that got out of hand.

That's why I steal the mission box. And the lines that they say to each other are so bad that it's hard for me to believe it wasn't bad on purpose. These are the actual lines these two people say. He says, I'll never forgive myself for that. And she says, you can't go on living without love. And then he says, in the bright shining morning sun, it's getting late.

It's like 2.30. And as we can see the sun definitely is at late. We watched the characters eat breakfast. We know the timeline. Unless she marched angrily around that hotel for six to eight hours. Yeah. How far from the hotel did they drive? Barbados, have you ever like circumnavigated the island?

He took her on like the tour and okay, this is where you can see dolphins actually sometimes. Sometimes not all the time, but occasionally get dolphins on you. So then he drives her back to the hotel. Now it is late, right? They get back to the hotel. Like he heard us. He heard the joke we wrote in our notes.

He was like, it's fucking late. See, it's late. It's night. Or it's like he could only afford to hire the sun for so long. You're like, yeah, the boat, the girls, and the son. They've got to go back to the shop within the hours. That would be pretty quick about that. Sorry, I spent all our son money on side boob. But it's okay.

It's okay. We'll get it work out. So, okay. So she goes back in, he goes his way, she goes her way. Nick catches her as she goes back into the hotel. We have this great exchange where he's like, your fiance is a war criminal. And she's like, no, he's not.

And they just scream this in this crowded hotel lobby. Yeah, she couldn't talk before because she didn't want to give anything away to Nick. But now it's fine to have like a very loud, yelly argument in the middle of the bar. It's, yeah, it's amazing. About what a fucking war criminal her boyfriend is. Yeah.

Nick says the sentence, you have to get out. And the amount of syllables that this actor manages to work into the word out, it's beyond accent. It's beyond culture. It's a tone poem. He's like, you have to get out. His Irish accent is more offensive than yours at this point, Eli.

Yes, absolutely. He is putting you to shame. No question. Yes. Also, like, the reason Nick and Michael Fluffy know her is because she was also a spy. So she was a spy assigned to spy on the bad guy and was like, well, this guy's story checks out. I'm going to marry him.

Yes. That was the story with the believe here. She's a shit spy. Oh, God, Nick says, this is probably the worst line in the movie and I love it so god damn much I want to embroider it on a fucking pillow. Nick says you were with the agency, Viv. We used to stop the bad guys, not marry them. It feels like a very specific training you would have had to go through. It feels like a very specific training you would have had to go through. That was the agency's motto.

And you know what? I never thought it would come in useful. And here we are. Before you'd learned Latin, babe. So yeah, so she storms off. A lot of people storm in this movie. I've never used storm as a verb more often in my fucking life. She storms off, flatly storms on, and he's like, Nick, how dare you get onto her for marrying

a fucking war criminal? Get out of here. And he's like, didn't I wander off in a rage in the last scene? And she's like, yeah, actually, now that you mentioned it, you did. What are you doing back here? I, you guys took nine hours to drive around all over the world. I got snacky and came back. I had to take a shit. I forgot my hat. I came back to the hat. So Viv goes back to her hotel room.

Eric Roberts has left a fucking prom dress out for her, right, to treat you to. So she changes into it. Then she goes to his secret briefcase, right? And this is where she finds the MacGuffin, the hollow coin, which is like a fucking SD card or something. Right. In what world can we describe this as a secret briefcase?

In that he's less than out on the bed unlocked with war crimes. Yeah. It might as well be a box labeled war crimes. It's a little less secure than Kanye West's passcode. Yes. Quick reminder, Kanye West's passcode is 000000. Amazing.

So, all right, so she gets it, but she gets the MacGuffin, and she starts walking around looking at it like, oh, this is very clearly a bad guy SD card. And just then, Eric Roberts comes in, and she has to act like nothing's up. So she sits there, and we do that moment, and this is in every spy movie, right? Where the girl knows, but she can't let let on that she knows yet, you know?

Right. So he comes in behind her. He's wearing a fucking robe with green glowy grid over black that would look out of place without vector graphic spaceships flying across it the fucking time. And I will say usually these scenes are sort of characterized by suspense and ominous nature. This is more of a, is Eric Roberts going to throw up on this woman? It's throw up a sexually harassed. Those are the two options. And he could waver either way. Yeah. And you can really see her hoping for throw up in her eyes as she tries to get out of this

scene. Yeah. She looks so upset by Eric Roberts touching her and that just isn't acting. That's why it looks so convincing. Yeah, no, she is fantastic. She is not acting that. All right, yes. So he goes to take a shower. She's like, oh, I'm going to go get some water. And he says, have room service set it up.

I'm like, how am I going to send up fucking water? You overprivileged fucks. Jesus. Hello. One sink, please. So although is, is Barbados one of the places you can't drink the tap water? Probably. I realize this is a weird penitent point, but it might be that. And this is this. That's fine.

As a social justice proponent, I would never assume that you couldn't drink the water anywhere I go, Marsh. I drink sink water everywhere. Because I believe in equality. You're like equal opportunities for parasites and dead people. Exactly. Also, I've already always got diarrhea anyway. So why would I? You are the reason other people can't drink the water.

Right, yeah. You being introduced to the sewage system is why everyone has to stop drinking the water. If you're not going to let me poop in your water tower, don't have a tour. That's all I'm going to say. I say that to every city equally Look at it. You Orlando Check out the live show So, okay, so but she uses this excuse to run off right she's like I gotta go get some water

She hauls ass so and she runs she finds Madeline the jazz singer and she's like hey Where is Michael flatly? But but Madeline is too jealous to tell her actually no, she's not she she said she makes like she's not gonna tell him And then she then she tells her right and she's just admiring herself in a mirror because the women in this film have no in a life Other than admiring their appearance or having other people admire their appearance. That's the only thing that therefore Yeah, sorry. I was just finding out who the fairest of them all was That's the only thing that they have for. Sorry, I was just finding out who the fairest of them all was. What again?

So then we get, we get Eric Roberts, he comes out of his shower and he realizes there was water in that hotel the whole time. She must be lying. Look, my fiancee slow dance with a man I've never met last night and then they got into a car and drove for apparently eight to twelve hours alone by themselves on the island. But water when there's already water in the room? Something is afoot, I think. Right. So yes, but she finds Michael Flatley standing, like, looking pensively from his private balcony. And she, like, she starts telling him, like, you know, oh, you know,

you were right, he's a bad guy, and have the MacGuffin and everything. Michael Flatley will deliver his lines. He's talking to his like long lost love who's visibly distraught. He's delivering these lines like he's reading back her order at the drive-thru. Right? He doesn't know that acting is supposed to have emotions in it. You know when someone catches you on your way to the bathroom and you don't want to be like, sorry, I have to shake a big old shit right now. So you try to do a quick version of the conversation. That's how Michael Flatley acts in this scene.

Sort of like, well, you don't get mini-disc cars, mini-disc stew, you know what I'm saying? Oh, man, Vindaloo Curry, right? I said, why would I choose a Curry right now? Yeah, but she shows Victor the memory card and she's like, this is the MacGuffin and he says, that holds the formula that could kill millions of people. But, and then of course the thing to do then

would be destroy it, right? Yes. Logistic, you know, get it wet, put a magnet there, set it aflame or something, whatever. But at this point she's like, you know, I can't believe I was such a fool to get involved with him. I need you to take this formula and get rid of it. And he's like, oh, I don't want to get involved.

And this is incredible to me. He still doesn't want to get involved. We are two thirds of the way through his vanity project where he's a super secret spy and he still hasn't done anything. And when presented with an opportunity to do something, he's a super secret spy and he still hasn't done anything. I mean, presented with an opportunity to do something. He's like, no, if it feels too active, I just want to stick out. I've got to be honest, I've been wearing tap shoes the entire film. They've had to edit them all out, but I don't want to ruin them by crushing a mini disk.

So yeah. And then I'm sorry for just repeatedly reading this movie's script to you, but it's so bad you have to hear it to believe that it's really this bad. He says, Vivian, I have no strength left to fight. And she says, Victor, you have strength left in you. I feel it. You're the only one who can stop this. You are 25 years of standing ovations, Michael Flatley. Don't you tell me.

Oh, Jesus Christ. But anyone with a strong magnet, as you say, could stop this. Anybody could, like she could stop this. She could just destroy the mini-disc and it's done right now. Just quick, just close your hand hard and the whole movie is over.

Yeah. So, but then Madeline, the jazz singer, sees them and he sees Michael Flatley kiss her and she jealously, her rumps away and tells Eric Roberts on them. And I do like that. The stakes going on here is that the woman, a third of Michael Flatley's age is jealous

that the woman, a half of Flattie's age is jealous that the woman a half of Michael Flattie's age gets to kiss him and she doesn't. That's a math that we're working out there. Right. And so they go to the even older Eric Roberts and he grabs his henchies to go get Michael Flattie once and for all. And I guess a less savvy viewer could believe something was about to happen, so we're going to take advantage of that misapprehension long enough to take a quick break. But first, let me give Act 3 the hard sell. Will more nearly-naked women of a third of his age throw themselves at Michael Flatley?

Will every scene from this point on be dumber than the last one? Will we ever find out what it is that the Blackbird was supposed to be good at? No, yes, and sort of, which should be plenty to keep you here for the action-inferred conclusion of... Blackbird. Action-inferred is amazing. I was really proud of that one thing. So this is the file? Yes, sir.

You'll have it in 24 hours. Perfect. Show the man out. Yes sir. And Mr. Bankson? Yes. Don't disappoint me. Okay.

I wasn't planning to. Good. Sorry. Yes Mr. Bankson. It's just like a crazy shitty way to end the meeting I'm sorry. What did you should be? What does that even mean? Don't disappoint me? What's that? It's like a threat I'm threatening. Oh, you know, I picked up that it's a threat, but we're terrorists, right? I get that I'm gonna get murdered if I mess up. It's just you're creating

What's that? you're like creating a... Hostile work environment. Hostile work environment, thank you, Jared. Seriously, Ollie, you too. Honestly, I've been wanting to talk to you about this myself, boss. Guys, we are evil war crime terrorists. Right, but I'm just saying we could be

evil war crime terrorists, not in a hostile work environment. Exactly. Have you read Who Moved My Cheese? I'm gonna kill both of you. Yeah, we've heard. Yeah, hasn't read Who Moved My Cheese? Hasn't read Who Moved My Cheese?

And we're back for still more of this shit. We're gonna rejoin the action with flatly on the beach Turning that memory card over in his hand thinking about where the plot should go from here, right? It's like okay, so I've got the deadly formula. There's no reason why I wouldn't just squish this right now There's no possible. I mean I'm the movie isn't over. It's the only possible reason Right, yeah, I'm right here on the beach. I could just skim this into the ocean and we're done Yep, sure the fuck could but Matini comes by he goes Matini I would I'm right here on the beach. I could just skim this into the ocean and we're done. Yep Sure, the fuck could but Matini comes by he goes Matini. I need you to make a copy of this for me And I'm like why oh, it's great. He's like, yeah, I need you to make a copy of this You know what to do and it's like yeah, it starts with going back to 2002 and buying a mini-disc player

and then getting one of those cables attached to another one. So meanwhile, so Vivian gets back to her hotel room only to find Eric Roberts waiting and knowing that, you know, his evil McGuffin is missing. And I'm like, well, obviously he would know that. Right. She knows that he came to sell that to like war criminals or whatever. So it's worth millions of dollars. So like obviously, why would she go back to the room at this point? Can I talk about the timeline of this scene as well?

Because in a previous scene, he goes in the shower, she goes downstairs to have a conversation with Michael Flatley. She then comes back up to this room. In the meantime, Eric Roberts is downstairs at the bar talking to somebody and finding out that she's talking to Michael Flatley. Right. And then gets back to this room. How short was his shower and was his shower

a teleporter to the bar? Or has he just forgot that he was meant to be taking a shower and that's why she got out of the room? It's just, it's inexplicable. Or did she want to get, did she like walk all the way around, did she circumnavigate Barbados on her way back up to the room? Yeah, none of this shit makes sense.

She couldn't remember if you turned left out of the bar or right out of the bar to get to the room. She turned left, she walked around the entire island. Around my island. I should have gone right. And she did that thing where it's like, ah, I could turn back, but I can't remember how much further it is.

And at this point, it might be longer to turn back. So I'll just gamble. I think we're all right. I'll gamble, I carry on. Or maybe Eric Roberts had one of those confusing hotel showers and you don't want to call the front desk. So you're just like, it's fine, I'm on vacation, I don't need to shower.

So. Yeah, so he tries just like, it's fine, I'm on vacation, I don't need to shower. Yeah, so he tries to do this menacing line, but of course it's Michael flatly writing the script, so it's just random. Do you think I'm a bad man, kind of nonsense that he goes on for three or four minutes? Am I a bad man or am I just? Which is like, it's what an English Google translator would say of a good line in a movie.

So. Yeah, he's like, I'm just trying to make room for newer, better people. And I'm like, that's Nazi. So you're a Nazi and you're not trying real hard to hide it. Which is weird, because Michael Flatley disagrees with him and I don't know where we are. Well, so I think that that's Michael Flattley

trying to be like, you know, he's like, well, you know, all the best villains are villains that you can sympathize with. So what if this one's a Nazi eugenicist? Yeah, immigrants are coming to take our jobs. But now Eric Roberts has to go meet Ahmed for dinner. And this is gonna be really, really awkward, right? Because he's supposed to give Ahmed the disc,

which he doesn't have. And he has told Ahmed in no uncertain terms that he'd never disappoints anyone ever. Anyone ever. So he goes to the dinner and there's this great exchange where he goes, where's the money? And Ahmed goes, well, I thought, and Eric Roberts cuts him off and goes, oh, you thought, well, then the deal's off. I'm keeping my makeup. I want to try totally have, you don't know. I have it right here. Look, I can't close to not just leave it and then I'll put it back in my pocket.

Back in my pocket now. Yeah. Okay. No, don't insult me again, sir. But he tells like what he's like, I'm not going to give it to you. Your boss has to come get it now. We'll go one bad guy up the chain of command. And I, it's like, well, fine.

And he storms off. And I like at this point, Quan comes over and like checks in, cause he's like, oh, you know that the boss is like really serious. And I just love that they've got a relationship where he can like check in on his boss and like, how you doing?

Is everything all right? Yeah, great. It's not like a, like a judgment kind of thing of like a big power structure. They're pretty chill in there, Eric Roberts organized here. No, like a family-y kind of thing of like a big power structure. They're pretty chill in there, Eric Roberts organized it. No family at that terrorist organization. Yes.

And then we cut just, now this is a scene that I would normally leave out of the review. We cut to Nick drunkenly stumbling around the town, you know, thinking about the backstory. Apparently he was there as well when Michael Flatley's fiancee guy killed. Oh yeah, he trips and falls into Michael Flatley's

flashback. So, I don't falls into Michael Flatley's flashback. So, oh no, I fall into the flashback. Right, yeah. So he wanders around in the flashback for a minute and normally I would leave that out, but what that scene normally would be doing in a movie is establishing why Nick won't be there later. But Nick will be there later.

Nick will be there later. He's just stupid. I think that Nick was just really drunk and really had a cameraman with him and he was like, why are you filming me? And he was like, I don't know, man. I just... This can't be less interesting than the rest of this film.

Michael said we're getting reimbursed. I thought he's not drunk. He's just suffering from severe concussion from that time he headbutted the table. He headbutted the table. Thank you, Marge. And that's why the cameraman is to follow around. They have to make sure that there's somebody watching them at all times.

Don't let him go to sleep. It's all right. But just don't let him go to sleep. Not for anyone. We'll monitor him. It's fine. So then we get that we have to finally get the moment where Eric Roberts and Michael Flatley meet, right? So Flatley's walking through the the bar and Eric Roberts stops him and he says, I believe you have my MacGuffin. Oh, I love this so much because Eric Robert stops him by going, Victor Blackley.

And he turned around and goes, I'm Victor Blackley. It's like, yeah, that's why he said the name. He wasn't like calling it out. Like it's like there's a taxi for Victor Blackley in the traffic. Victor Blackley, anyone Victor Blackley? He was addressing you. I've actually just been saying random combinations of names.

You're the first person to turn around. Steve Greenish. Is it Steve Greenish? Yeah, no. I'm getting an M. I'm, mm. So good. And again, it's just James Bond

through the lens of an idiot, right? He has this great moment. He's like, because they're going to do the casino rail thing. And he's like, are you a gambling man? And Michael Flatley says that depends on what you mean. Yeah, it's like, I mean, like games of chance where you put some money down to win more money. I thought you were asking if I was a giant stack of poker chips that had filled out a human skin suit has gotten really popular as a tap dancer in the early 90s and late 80s.

But no, I'm not that thing, I'm what you said. No, I'm saying. So, but yeah, but Eric Robert's challenges of the poker, right, so we're gonna watch him play Texas Hold'em, and we're all very excited because this is the closest anything has come to happening in this entire movie, right? And everything, I'm so sad Heath isn't here

because everything about this poker is hilariously wrong. The guy who is the dealer will later be a player. Yep. When they're introducing the game, they announce that aces are high in Texas Oldham. As opposed to what? And multiple cards is better than not having any that match. Also, they've got so many chips, but there's only two of them.

He's like, why was there three million? So, like, you're building a fort out of chips and like, Michael Flally's hiding within it. There's so many chips and they're different shapes. Like, he's got the, he's got rectangle ones in the action shots, but the circle ones are the set dressing. It's the best. Oh, I forgot my favorite part, sorry. So they're both holding their cards, like your grandma playing fucking GoFace too. Right, they're playing Uno.

Both of them. Eric Roberts is like waving his around and Michael Flatley's holding one on each side of his glasses. It's the best. Eric Roberts says you can tell a lot about a man from how he plays poker, while simultaneously bending the cards in his hands. He's like, yeah, Eric, we fucking can.

We really fucking can. I do see that. You motherfuckers don't know how to play poker is what I've learned. Yeah. And the whole time, like they're trying to handle elect or each other, right? Like Eric Roberts is like, I can tell by how hard you press your cards together that you're a forceful man and all this dumb fucking shit that goes on for so goddamn long. There's a line that Robert says about Michael Flatley was like, well, you clearly want to be seen as intelligent, which would denote a rather narcissistic personality. And I said, yeah, they do say,

right, what you know, Michael Flatley. He's got it. you're getting it, baby. And I love the third guy at the table, because yeah, he's the dealer at times, and sometimes they play it. And I love it when he's a player, because I just wanted to be like, just cut him like rolling his eyes as the two like twice on the side of him. Keep engaging in this like banter and badanage.

He's like, just fucking play it. Cole just keeps calling cards off the table, and they just keep having to fold cards off. They're literally, he's literally holding the cards up to his eyes right now and saying, I'm an alien bug, I'm an alien bug. What the fuck is happening? There's this moment where like he sees Eric's bet

and then after putting his chips in, he says raise, but then he doesn't raise. It's so wrong, it's so stupid. At one point the blind is 2000, they've all put 2000 in and then he raises 40,000, which like, that's way more than it's in the pot. They wouldn't let you do that. Come on.

I raise you eight billion. No, you don't. You can't do that. Yeah, so, but they're bantering this entire time at one point, Eric Robert says, you're nothing but a washed up, failed secret agent masquerading as a hotel owner. And I'm like, well, he owns a real hotel.

I mean, that is a, because our city, and the poor fucking soundtrack, it's just doing its best to add Gravitas to this fucking 12 year olds rendering of a James Bond pre-action sequence. And my favorite thing about this bit, because we'll come back to the game. I didn't know we'd come back to the game, my favorite thing is like,

Eric Roberts puts a bet in and Michael Flatley folds and like then we cut away. And it's like we haven't even seen the front of a single car now. Fold well played, my friend. Just normal play. So we check on Mati and the concierge, they're like looking for Vivian now. So Mati sneaks into Vivian's room, but Quan gets to drop on him, right? So we see that, we cut back to the poker table because we're not just gonna get him folding,

he wins eventually too. There's this great stupid fucking moment where they go to show their cards and he's got three Queens Michael flatly does and the audience and there is an audience everyone in the hotel is now gathered around to watch these two men Play Texas hold them the audience gasps at three Queens There's like a one in two hundred chance. I wanted like 100 chances to be about that

It's like everyone has that if you play that for long enough. It's not that interesting. Are those playing cards? Rebel, Rebel, Rebel, Rebel. Does that make a flally? But Eric Roberts has a flush at that moment. So he ends up winning, right? And then he's like, also, didn't your fiance get burned up in your backstory?

Didn't that happen to you? Got him, got him. How can you feel so good about cards when your fiance is dead? Ooh, Sick Burn! Sick Burn, yeah! Sick Burn is what she died of, actually. She died from the Sick Burn.

But Flatley's got more tricks up his sleeve. He hasn't tried the old having better cards trick. So he uses that on the last hand. He goes all in and he wins. And it's so stupid because they both go all in and the ladies like show your cards and Eric Roberts shows his cards and he's like I have a monologue and the poker ladies like of course you're allowed to do your monologue before you turn your cards on. Also slow Roger cards one at a time because nobody around the table has been bothered

by you put your cards down one at a time. Yeah. And then poker is over, poker's over. The end poker, you're just allowed to leave. Yep, he won at the poker. And then just then the concierge lady comes and she's like, hey, I need you for a scene in the next room. And he's like, oh, is it gonna be an action scene?

She's like, none of them are gonna be action scenes, man. Calm the fuck down, okay? Hey, we get one, we get half an action scene. I'm half an action scene. We get one 13th of an action scene. So, so, but they got to go check on Matini. Matini has been shot. Matini is dead in a little circle on the ground. Like, like clearly they angled it. They like, they waited for him to get to the right spot to shoot him to make this work, right? right right Or they shot him and then dragged him into an anti chamber to be like this is dramatic Like a ritual thing that oh yeah, he's gonna die in the middle of the circle of the wise

It doesn't count. We don't get points if he dies out here. Yeah So you're right so but Matini has the two memory cards so right like so flatly is like you are my great friend But honestly, I really just need these two memory cards for your cards. Okay, now I have two of these cards and I don't know what to do with that. Right. Why did they kill him, if not for the memory cards? Yeah. Because, like, they went to that room looking for the memory cards.

A guy walks into that room, they killed him, they didn't go like, do you want to just, like, raffle his pockets a bit in case there's anything in there that is, like, the memory cards we're looking for? Because if they do that, Right. Fill him over the apocalypse wins. Yeah. So, we cut to the bar. Victor and the concierge chick, they're drinking to the memory of Matidi.

Madeline, sure, sorry, she walks up and she's like, I'm so sorry that I told the bad guys where you were and then they came and killed Matidi. And he's like, no, I knew you were the rat, I forgive you now. I understand. Matidi was the most killable of my former comrades who is now my butler. Yeah. He's like, look, there's only two black guys in the film, at least one of them had to die.

Will, we'll take bets on whether the guy will survive. Oh, here he comes right here. Yes, yes. Here he comes to die. So Quan comes in and yells, Blackbird. And we're like, oh, fuck yeah, Blackbird. If you don't think the five of us cheered loudly in the cinema when he went, Blackbird and we're like, oh fuck yeah, Blackbird. If you don't think the five of us cheered loudly in the cinema when he went, Blackbird. You do not know us. I cheered in my living room. Right?

I called Eli and cheered on the phone. Yeah. So yeah, it's time for Michael Flatley to kick a little ass. Yes, we will get to finally see the fight choreography of the film. It is, and you might want to write all little ass, yes, we will get to finally see the fight choreography of the film. It is, and you might want to write all this down, right, left, right. Yep, right, left, right. But here's the thing, Michael Flatley, you, this is your movie.

You get to win the fight however you want. Why didn't Michael Flatley choose? And then I punch him a bunch while he's down. Yes. I punch him to death while he's prawn on the floor. He's not like, oh, I got him with such a big shot. And like a big uppercut that I've like killed him and I didn't mean to kill him.

He's like, no, he's down. And now I will beat him to a bloody par. Now I'll kill him. I'll beat him to death on the ground. Yeah, right. And they like, one of the guys walks up, Nick walks up and like checks for a pulse. And he's like, no, that guy's dead actually.

And he's like, you bet your ass. You punched him so good. And seriously, no dancing. I was so ready for a dance. Let's be clear. Let's be honest. Let's be radically vulnerable. If they had had a dance fight just now, the best movie ever made. Can I give you this Eli? He punches him. He's down on the floor, but instead of punching him to death Top of 10 it was right there Well done sir But yeah, but quant is dead because of how very hard Victor punches and then we get he goes like flatly goes out to the pier to look out over the sunset and ruminate about his dead fiance more. Yeah. This is where he tries to give it

a good cry. He tries to go for his Oscar here. But like we flash back through different things he's seen. We flash back to the fiance. That makes sense. He flashed back through a few other things. We flashed back to Maddie the singer in her little thong. It's like, that wasn't a pivotal part of his life. It's just like you want to get your money's worth for that shot, Michael Flatley. No, no, I remember that side boob. It was important. It was as important as when they lit my fiance on a fire.

Right, yes. So, yes, but he wakes up on the beach. Apparently he killed a man in his own bar that he owns. Then he walked off and passed out on a beach. Apparently he killed a man in his own bar that he owns. Then he walked off and passed out on a beach 15 feet away. I guess that's just like, you know, white man in a predominantly black country privilege. Right? So I guess that does make sense. So but then, okay, then he once again, he justifies his inclusion in God awful movies. He storms off to the church to confess his sins after all.

And he says, and I quote, bless me, Father, for I have sinned, and I'm about to sin again. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Bonobono. And I wrote my notes. He wrote this whole movie around that line.

And then Marsh wrote, like right next to that in my notes, literally yes. Yeah, because this next to that in my notes, literally yes. Yeah, because this was absolutely one of the films, one of the scenes that he filmed when he didn't have a full film. You see what this could be like? And then when no one could see what that would be like, he had to do the rest of the film himself. You're right. Oh God, that's so amazing. So yeah, so he's gonna confess his sins, he's gonna tell us the full story of fire, fiance,

and here's the big part that he's been holding back. The guy's doush during gasoline center on fire, he showed up while she was already on fire, and he had to shoot her and put her out of her misery. Right, and that's what he's been carrying in his heart ever since. Right, she was on vultures of horror levels of fire, by the way. Oh, yes.

In case anyone was worried about it being too gruesome, no. She's on like a fucking SFX package you get on humble bundle level of fire. Yeah, she's three and a half feet away from a fire that we're also looking through. Yeah, exactly. She was in real risk of dying from being just behind that fire layer in the CGI.

What if the fire breaks out of the layer and comes into the one that I mean? Yeah. Also, let me just throw this out there, because I don't think enough people say it. If someone is on fire and you shoot them, that's a good thing. You did a nice thing. Well, and that's what the fucking stupid ass, like, because then we cut to him, like, running out of the confessional, and the priest comes out and is like, well, obviously, you would do that, though. Like, that's not a bad thing. Well, and that's what the fucking stupid ass, like, cause then we cut to him, like run it out of the confessional. And the priest comes out and is like,

well, obviously you would do that though. Like that's not a bad thing. Yeah, that's just totally fine. Yeah, 100%. Yeah. But yeah, that was the big confessional moment. Then we, Madeline runs into the church and she's like, they've kidnapped Vivian.

And apparently I know that for some reason. They want you to meet them at the big boat graveyard where the big action finale happens. And he's like, oh, the action finale. Well, I must tell him that. Well, the big finale. Let's not go big action finale until we see it. Right, well, yeah, yeah, fair.

So he goes down to the old boat graveyard for, I can't say dramatic, I can't say action peg. The end of the movie. Eric, Ahmed, and Farouk are there waiting for Flatly now who is Farouk you might say he was the guy that was beaten that dude to death And the jungle orphanage for no fucking reason an hour and 18 minutes ago And that we've never seen or heard from again, right? So they're standing out there they got a bunch of henchies out there I wrote my notes here. I'm like,

do the henchmen have uniforms or do they have to coordinate? Right? Or do they? Yeah. I'm not sure. Guys, we're doing black on black today. We already decided. I think it's if that they buy specific clothes, they get to claim that back against the company. Whereas if they buy something deviating from that, they don't get to do. Right. That explains the one guy. It's not a uniform, but it's de facto.

Yeah. It's like those Aaron Sweater tourist traps where they're like, no, you can get the sales tax back on the way back. So yeah, but so Flatley shows up. He's wearing his like white jacket in tuxedo with a tie off and everything. Because again, he's just like Frank Sinatra, if you think about it. But like, the only reason he's dressed like that is because he always dresses like that. Because like, when you see this shot in the trailer, like, oh, this is exciting. No, that's just like his regular wear.

Yes, it's just not impressive. That's just what he wears to the swimming pool. Yeah, kind of lost its power. So yeah, but the henchmen carry him away for a beating, right? They're like, he comes in and he's like, I'm here for Vivian. And they're like, where's the thing? And he's like, I'll give it to you when you give me Vivian. And the henchmen like, walk him around behind one of the boats

to beat him up. Yes. And let's just pause here and remember, we watched this in the cinema. We had no idea what was coming. We are there in a dark cinema. It's all very serious. They've walked around the corner and this is the climax of the film.

And now Noah, let the listeners know what happened. We hear punchy sounds off screen. Literally, we watch them take him away. The camera stays still on the take away area. And we hear like the sounds that you would expect to hear out of a dust cloud with fists and feet popping out of it. Right. We hear that. Then we hear four gunshots. We hear that, then we hear four gunshots. Eric Roberts is like, ah, they got him. And then he walks out.

So the big fight scene happens off camera. It's off screen. We've watched an hour and a half to get here of Michael Flatley not doing anything. And when he does something, it's not in the film. It's on the film. Just keep, think about this. We watch Michael Flatley change hats four times more often

than we watch him fight a person in this spy thriller. It's so fucking good he walks around, he's all beat up now, but the bad guys are even more beat up, I guess. And he's cleaning his hands on like a rag or a towel? Yes. Did he bring the towel? Did he like, oh no, what I'm gonna do

is I'm gonna like beat him up off screen and I'm gonna need to wipe my hands. Bad assness. I'm gonna like, musty hands. Yeah. So then, so they release Vivian, right? He comes around, they release Vivian, she runs up to him, he's gotta fight all the bad guys now.

And he says, probably the worst line ever written in this or any other language. He says- Disagree? Oh, okay. You tell me what line is worse than this. Quote, look, we're probably never gonna see each other again in this lifetime, but I want you to know

that it was you who gave me the strength and courage to come and face this today. I'll take that with me. Oh no, that was a bad line. I thought you were talking about the way he ends this scene, which is the greatest line ever written by man or God. So yeah. Oh, okay, all right.

So I retract my criticism. To look forward to it. To write that is a terrible line. That's the stupidest goddamn thing I've ever heard in my fucking life. Yep, sure is. And then Nick shows up out of fucking nowhere. Nick shows up and he's like,

I will fight alongside you. And they're like, yeah. I was wandering around with a camera guy, headbutting a fountain. How did Nick know to get there? Because he was lying drunk in a flashback somewhere. So he didn't know this was happening. And even if he went somewhere and the jazz lady was like,

oh yeah, go down the docks and stuff. The bad guys didn't secure the perimeter anyway. You could just walk into their top secret meeting about the formula that will kill the entire planet. It's fine, it's Barbados. Who could wander? There's not that many people here who could really wander into this anyway.

And then we have this bizarre fucking moment where Farouk walks up to Michael Flatley and he's like, look, I don't wanna be part of the big action finale here. Can you just give me the McGuffin and I'll leave? And Michael Flatley is like, oh yeah, yeah, no, you can have the McGuffin. He's like, are you sure this is in a fake McGuffin? He's like, no, it's not fake. This is a totally, totally real McGuffin. Why don't you wander off? Yeah, it's super important that I survive for the inevitable sequel. So like, I'm going

to walk out of here and I'll see you in like a film or two's time. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right. Yeah, right, right And so he wanders up and now we've got Eric Robertson all his henchmen on one side And we've got Michael flatly a nick on the other and they've all got guns And we're like, oh, are we gonna have a great big shootout to end this movie? Are we gonna get one action sequence at least right here at the very end? Are they at least gonna dive behind a pile of something and pe-que-pe-que at each other? No! Nope. They're all gonna just pull their

fucking guns out and all shoot at each other at once and all the bad guys are gonna miss and the good guys are gonna hit and the movie will be over four seconds later. But not before Michael Flatley says, shall we dance? Oh, you're right. Yes. Yes. I laughed so loud and I came upstairs and was like, hey, you got shot. What happened? I was like, sorry. Michael Flatley made a movie and then decided that the peak conclusion of it would be him being like

He honestly might have been like 25 years of standing ovations and it would have been as funny as what they do They ate eight year olds playing cops and robber on athletic eight year olds playing cops and robbers it there's not even a dive roll Yeah, it's pupu psu. I definitely got you you died. I got you you did die you did die I definitely got you. You died. I got you. You did die. You did die. Yes They all just stand at point blank range. They shoot each other all the bad guys fall down We get this all from a fucking overhead shot too, which is amazing all the bad guys fall down That is the end of the action finale That's it. That's the movie. Goddamn spy movie. It's so good. Let's hear Mac the knife again everybody. Yes, one more time with the lip sync. So we go back to the bar to wrap things up.

They use the same fucking song. I mean, they don't even call us a new song. Yes, Mac the knife again. Right, because I think this actress sang this song, maybe not live, I think she's lip syncing. I think it's her voice though. And I think she had it in her contract that she gets two full singing scenes

for every standing around in her underwear scene. I think that's what this is. So yeah, so then, so we pan around, Nick has a new beautiful woman hanging all over him. We haven't met her yet. There's just a new one. And then we get the bad guys, they're checking the formula and wouldn't you know it? It's fake and they're very angry. And then we go back to London, right? Where good guy lady that we've,

I guess she was in the fucking funeral scene, right? We haven't seen her since. I don't know whether she also like randomly turned up to the Barbados hotel as one of the characters or whether this is a totally different lady because- I think it's a different lady. The women have got, they're all the same age, similar appearance and no distinction characteristics because they're not developed as characters because Michael Flotty doesn't see women as rounded human beings.

Right. So it's just like, yeah, there's like a dark-haired lady and like, there's another dark-haired lady who may be the same lady. I don't care. It doesn't matter. They're not important. They've got boobs. They're sometimes in heels.

That's all that you need to know about them. There you go. And then we check back in on Flatley's mansion. He's wearing another jauntily tilted hat, right? And this is when like Vivian shows up at his house unexpectedly and she brought a suitcase. And it's lovely when women do that, when they show up at your place, the suitcase

and they haven't told you they're coming. No, you can auction it off at the same time as your house Maybe she didn't bring this okay, maybe she came to Both in the auction All right, well clearly he's making us wait for the sequel for the big River Dance fight, but hey, I'll tell you what we're fucking here for it Michael we are He's it So I guess that's gonna do it for a review of Blackbird We're fucking here for it, Michael. We are fucking here. I am teased. So I guess that's gonna do it for our review of Blackburn, but that's not gonna do it for the episode just yet, because we still need to loop back around

and do this again next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, Noah, we'll once again be jumping into the cinematic universe of the Wright family, makers of such excellent films as The Bible, The Badge and Bigfoot. But this is a true story. No, it's not.

We'll be watching The Exorcism in Armorello. Oh my God, you give me Blackbird this week and the Wright family next week? I'm so spoiled. This has been such a good year. We're pulling out the stops this year, baby. 2024, it's our year. So with that to look forward to,

we're gonna bring episode 440 to a merciful close once again a huge Thanks to Michael Marshall for helping out this week Be sure to check the show notes for links to his other shows if you'd like more March in your life And it perhaps even huge or thanks to all the patreon donors that help make the show go if you look at yourself among their ratio We've pre episode donation of patreon.com slash got off when they're right on early access to an every version of every episode You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms If you enjoyed the show be sure to check out our sibling shows, the Skating Atheist, Citation, D&D Minus, and the Skyper Grand The Vogue, wherever podcasts live.

If you have questions, comments, or sit about suggestions, you can get them out at godoffonmovies.gmail.com. Tim Marbles takes care of our social media, our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slatt and Givil Jeroffs on Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audience engineer, Morgan Cargo, and why she was in permission. Thanks again for giving us a turn of your life this week for Heathen Wright and Neela Bostic. I'm Neal Lusian.

I promise to work hard to earn another track next week until then. We'll leave you with the Breakfast Club clothes. Michael Flatley went on to win a Nobel Prize in Physics for his pioneering work in Hat Angular Jauntiness. Well, it's actually he was at a Nobel Prize, that's when he started himself. Madeline went on to regain her dignity doing some porn or something. Blackbird 2 took place entirely off-camera. However, the Irish government is still paying for it. I got to go down a delightful rabbit hole of the things that are technically war crimes for this, uh, cinch. Well, you picked a good one.

That's great. You say rabbit hole, you mean white bulge. Excessive celebration is one. Excessive celebration is won. Excessive celebration of war. After a war. Like you can't do a big like we got. Yes, not after a touch down. You can really do whatever you want really there

and there's no point where that elevates to work crime. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha football team got really pissy one year. Look, we're Addo Den Ard. We lost it. We lost the Dutch Cup. You guys were real jerks about it. Just like the Nazi.