God Awful Movies - 442: Best Friends Recycled

Episode Date: February 6, 2024

This week, Michael Marshall joins us for an atheist review of Best Friends Recycled. In our ninth foray into the Donald James Parker filmography, we dive into the direct sequel to the adventures of Tony and Jackson from Best Friends Eternally. In this installment, almost nothing happens again. --- To get tickets to see us live in Orlando, click here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-orlando-florida-tickets-778242784117 --- Check out more from Marsh on Be Reasonable and Skeptics with a K --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

And he remembers the Jezebel incident and he realizes that he's never told her about it. So he's like, hey, actually, I have some very serious stuff to talk to you about. I once several months before we met had sex with a woman. Yes. She is wrecked by this news. Destroyed by the thought of him having consensual sex with another person. Which I mean we're all destroyed by that fool, but he's destroyed for a different reason.

God awful movies. Movie! Welcome back to the Gamecast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema because somehow that seemed like a good idea once. I'm your host, Noah Lusian, so he's gonna be unable to join us this week, but sitting 900 miles to my northeast isn't my bad friend Eli Bosnik Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? Poppin' Marsh's DJP Cherry, that's how I am, Noah. Fuck yeah, yeah, we are excited. Hell yeah. To welcome back the host to be reasonable, the co-host to scout this with a K

and the project director of the Good Thinking Society, Michael Marshall Marsh. Welcome back, sir. It's great to be here. And you know what? I held off for so long never being exposed to Donald James Parker. I thought I'd lasted out and never have to see him.

And yet here we are, you finally got me. This is worse than when I eventually got COVID. Yeah. This is like I went long enough avoiding DJP and now he's finally got me. There's no vaccine for him either. No, there is no. There is no vaccine. I became obsessed in high school

with being the first person my friends smoked pot with. That's what I feel with about John L. James Parker. Yeah, right. I want to punch my friends in the chest while they're watching it so they cough real hard. Get the full experience. Marsh, do you see he's curing cancer with natural means? Marsh, Marsh, I have so many times in my notes I have just written, welcome to the Gramps of Earth

So okay, so tell us what will we be breaking down today Marsh? So we watched the bafflingly titled best friends recycled It's the story of how smart funny attractive and desirable Donald. Parker thinks we'll think he is. Yes. Well, he has to point it out. He has to point it out several times. Yeah, he can have all the characters pointing all of them in order. At all times. Yeah. Yes, exactly. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love Donald James Parker's hilarious back-and-forth banter, but you long for the serious hard-hitting movie-making of the unexpected

Bar Mitzvah and Philadelphia. You will love this movie. Yeah, so this is actually, I went back and I counted, this is the ninth Donald James Parker movie that we've done. I wrote a list of my notes and I'm like, it's just not funny for that long. I shouldn't do it, it's really depressing. I believe this is the first direct sequel though. So quick refresher, in Best Friends Eternally, Donald James Parker talked his atheist best friend, Jackson,

out of burning in hell for all of eternity. But just as Jackson was being saved by Jesus, Donald James Parker was being seduced by a much younger attractive woman who turned out to be an evil slut lady named Jezebel. Oh! So Jezebel was in the first films. This was not clear to me.

I must have missed that when you guys went through it. So I was baffled whenever they kept referring to the Jezebel incident. Completely baffled. Oh, yeah. Right, right. No, that was the first movie. Completely. Oh yeah. Right, right. No, that was the first movie. And Noah, this, that movie was so crazy.

You forgot someone shot him in that one. Yes, they did. It didn't even occur to Noah to mention someone shot him in that one. Right. All right, so does anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best to be the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to go straight in with best worst health scare. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Because I did not see this coming. Maybe it's because I don't know much about Donald James Parker, but he mentions to his newfound love that he had sex once, and she immediately assumes that means he's dying of AIDS and she can't marry him, and he has to go and get an AIDS test and basically just kill himself now because his future's dead, because he's definitely's definitely gonna develop HIV because that time he had sex that once. I did not see that coming. That was a wild reaction to someone having one slip with somebody. Yeah, amazing. It's so fucking amazing.

Podcast listener, I cannot emphasize to you enough how hard a right turn this movie takes into being about whether Donald James Parker has AIDS because he had consensual sex with another adult in Milwaukee once. Specifically AIDS, not like asexually transmitted disease even, but specifically, I put best worst AIDS, Marsh. I had very similar thoughts. Yes. If I can part the curtain slightly for you, podcast listener, when we get a really good one,

I like to shoot, because I always watch first, I like to shoot no little message, just like, hey, you're expecting this, but you're gonna get this. I was literally just like, hey, whatever you're expecting, it's so much worse. And all my messages back from Noah's, they won't stop saying AIDS.

My God, my God, how many times are they going to say AIDS? It's incredible because like, and the listeners may not, may not understand what we're really talking about here. There is no indication that the person Donald James Parker had sex with had AIDS or no, as far as I tell, was the type of person in this movie universe who might have had AIDS. It was just somebody he slept with and therefore like all premarital sex results in AIDS every single time. I put in my notes at one point. I would love to see Donald James Parker take a stab at

the ratio of AIDS per extramarital sexual liaison. Right? 100%. 99. Yeah. And just be clear, this isn't us advocating like go out there and raw dog. You'll be fine. That's not One third of us is probably thank you. We're in a time. No, it is neutral Marshes against and I am for I ain't gonna be your Sweden here, man And I'm gonna take best worst chess

And I'm gonna take best worst chess So look we've seen some bad chess across these movies But this movie is going to begin with two old men having an argument about whether or not you're allowed to take moves back a Privilege that I had lost when I was three and a half And I wrote down oh he's trying to heath this game of chess. I'm just going to leave that there and when everyone else decide what that means. All right, we're all itching to dive back into the Grams of Versa. We're going to keep the break brief. When we come back, we'll dive into all the budgetless nonsense that is best friends.

Recycle. Hey, podcast listener, I'm Eli Bosnik. I'm No Illusions. And I'm Michael Marshall. And you know, with Valentine's Day just around the corner, there's never been a better time to reflect on what love means to you. A romantic walk by the seaside. A night curled up by the fire.

Or in our case, letting your wife steal your Raycon Everyday earbuds. Wait, what are the Raycon everyday earbuds? With optimized gel tips for the perfect in-ear fit, these earbuds are so comfortable and they'll actually stay in your ears whether you're going for a run or just dancing along to your favorite tunes. Like any serious love story,

your Raycons are here for a good time and a long time, with eight hours of playtime and a 32-hour battery life. Most importantly, you get amazing quality audio at half the price of the other premium audio brands. It's true. Ani uses my Raycon wireless earbuds to listen to murder books, murder podcasts, and even watch murder TV shows. They've got noise isolation, earbud tap functions, and so much more.

That's why I, Eli Bosnick, personally endorse Raycon Everyday Earbuds. All right guys, yeah, I'm sold. Where can I get a pair? Go to buyraycon.com.gam today to get 15% off your Raycon order plus free shipping. That's buyraycon.com.gam to score 15% off in free shipping. Buyraycon.com.gam. Raycon. Because the ultimate gift is saying to yourself hey did you take my you know what never mind right And then after bell well, that's when Jackson meets two lovely ladies And you know he thinks they might just be the perfect to set up with you know me, but he's not so sure He's not sure Donald Donald. Yes Chip Ross Eddie

Me, but he's not so sure. He's not sure. Uh, Donald. Donald. Yes, Chip Rose, Eddie. I've been typing the script for six hours. At this point, we're going to have to make two movies. Does this story, uh... Yeah, no, most definitely because I have... Oh, Heavens to Betsy. I have a full 200 more pages of truly

whip-crack banner between me and my lady love to go through, so... Oh, okay. Hey, uh... I guess I'll go get more paper then? Yeah, yeah I could use a refill on the old H2O! Hey, hey Chip! Yeah Donald? Why are you making these movies? I have no idea Donald.

I have no idea. So inexplicable. They don't appear to be related. What the fuck is happening? And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up on Donald James Parker with Jackson. That was his best friend from Best Friends Eternally and they're playing chess together. Right. And it is a bad sign that the movie had to scrimp on the chess set budget because this is the I'd say the cheapest chess set I have ever seen in my life. It's just yeah, it's a bad sign that the movie had to scrimp on the chess set budget because this is the I'd say the cheapest Chess set I have ever seen in my life. It's it's yeah, it's a placemat. It is a placemat. Yeah. Yeah, it's just it's a

Fabric chessboard with chess men on it. Yeah, so and we get like a So we watch this for a second We watch Donald James burgers start with e4 and then Jackson just sitting there going well shit. I have never Donald James Berger start with E4 and then Jackson just sitting there going well shit. I have never That was a real thinker There I wrote my notes their chest openings appear to be move the pieces And also so the music cuts in the music and the font of this fucking movie are sure that it is a soft core Star Wars themed gay porn Also, it's rare that I say like I'm so glad our medium exists

Versus these movies because we get to describe their quote-unquote banter rather than you having to experience it Because it's it's like two pretty far gone dementia patients Referencing a Marx Brothers movie that does not exist Two different Marx Brothers movies so like one is doing one movie the other is doing it right? Yes, they don't realize yeah neither of which exist Yeah, and so and we're gonna get this like montage of them being buddies right we watch them fish and we watch them hang out together We watch them play chess a different time with a different set of chess men. Same placemat board, but different chess men. And I only bring this up because there's this great moment where they're like,

you know, they're like, okay, we'll just be mulling over a move. But they haven't decided whose theoretical turn it would be. So they sit there mulling over the move and then they both go to move a piece at the same time. And it cuts away. No way. Oh, damn it. Yeah. Maybe one was like gonna like react defensively to whatever the the attack. Yeah, right. Slaps his hand. How dare you, sir? Yeah, right. There's also there's a part during this like hanging out with my buddy montage where like Jackson sat on the on the sofa and

Like Donald James Parker Tony, he's just like kneeling over the arm of the sofa Staring at Jackson's chest from like three inches away And it's such a weird thing like he just comes in and starts kneeling next to the arm of the sofa where his friend is It's it's it's remarkable. See I don't know what that was I think these are all scenes from the first movie and maybe that had some significance there and I don't remember it because you know I've tried to scrub most of this from my mind but yeah. So but eventually the song fades out and we see them mid-chest match. Donald James Parker makes a move and then Jackson thinks that he's got checkmate but he doesn't so he starts talking shit about how bad he's about to checkmate Donald James Parker. Oh god, he's such a patronizing dick. It's it's unsufferable. And I don't know whether

you're supposed to think, oh, this is like hilarious back and forth, or whether you're supposed to think this man is like the most obnoxious and irritating person ever. Because I've never seen these characters before. I thought they were trying to establish him as being a horrible, obnoxious, irritating person you're supposed to hate. No. But they don't. This is meant to be like friendly, frothy banter back and forth. No, this is friendly banter, right? This is Donald James Parker and whoever the fuck this guy is being like, you know, when you and I are fucking going, when we play, like, why isn't this a movie? We are just like Seth Rogen, but we're filled with the light of the Lord.

Filled with the light of the Lord. That's exactly what I was going to say. We need to capture this. Well, that's the thing, Marsh. That like Donald James Parker, the guy writing this dialogue, is the least likable human being you've ever met. He is the most irritating bastard you can imagine. So this is to him what dialogue should sound like, right? Yeah. And again, it would be bad if they were speaking it in regular time, but they're all apparently being fed their lines through an earpiece attached to like a mimeograph or something. Because it's like, I'll tell you what, Jackson, if you think you've got me got. If you keep the camera rolling to keep all this

in the movie. This was actually written in the script. Oh, it's too far forward. We're on the tape. Yeah, it's like every line has to be like bounced off a satellite on the moon. And we visit it. It's got there's a delay. Just wait.

It'll come. It'll come. Okay, we've got it now. And also, by the way, when he's not talking, Jackson smacks and slurps his goddamn mouth so fucking much, I felt like his tongue was doing parkour in there. It was so gross. I told him, don't put six Jolly Ranchers in your mouth right before they turn the camera on, but would he listen? Right. No, it's it's Heath eating a fucking caramel. Right. Oh, speaking of Heath, this is also where he decides it.

Because John Lowe's James Parker is like, ah, but I'll get you with the secret. But my bishop is right fucking there and I took your queen move. And then he's like, oh, I should probably you should probably let me take that move back now. Huh. And I'm like, OK, Heath. All right. Like all serious chess players. Yeah. This is why he says like, oh, because he lets him take the move back, he says, are you all you won? Which reminds me, what about the one you or me? It's like, so you're even then you've just right.

No, obviously, right. Right. But this is where Jackson's going to introduce the plot. He's like, remember from early the last movie, you agreed to let me pick out your next wife for you. Yeah. Like he's browsing a catalog. You just like pick him on right off the shelves. Yeah. Right. Right. Yeah. Exactly. And Donald James Parker is like, well, I don't know about that. I don't know if I'm sufficiently recovered from the quote, Jezebel incident. Fuck yeah.

Now, this is a reference, of course, to the first movie, but I guess Marsh didn't know. I didn't know that. I held back this information from Marsh on purpose because I wanted it to be more mystifying, if anything. I assume the Jezebel incident was about an article where Donald Parker got me too. Just like, oh, yeah, there's that expose in Jezebel about him. OK, yeah, right, right.

I feel like Donald Parker would get me tooed if he wasn't too busy doing bits to sexually harass people. Like, I'm sure there have been several Christmas parties where he's been like, you know, in the saying of the old Marx Brothers move up, you're gone, never mind. I was gonna take my dick out and put it in my coffee cup, but you've already walked across the room.

Oh, Donald, now your dick's in the coffee cup for no reason. Again. Yeah. So yeah, and so, you know, Jackson's like, well, come on, man, you got to get back on that horse. Even if your rear end did get bruised. And he goes, it wasn't my rear end that got bruised. And I'm like, wait, what? There's a lot of weight. What's it? Yeah, every line of dialogue could be followed that way. Yeah. Tien us up man You know how Christians constantly fall for that the Leviathan had a big old tail

It's a dick joke, but they don't know it's a dick joke because they're afraid of their own dicks That's how Donald Parker writes his own movies like he's trapped by his own words He just constantly be like what should go up there and we're like, I did you write the ditch? Are you pranking you, Donald James Parker? Right, right. And then he's like, oh, and hey, I got us approved to go visit that prison. And I was like, what a lazy way to introduce the fact

that the next scene is gonna happen in a prison. But no, we're never gonna hear about this again in any fucking way. No, and this is baffling to me, because I thought, okay, this is definitely going to come up. So why did they bring the prison up here? Do you think there was a scene that either got deleted, they can't have been a scene that was deleted

because there's no way Donald J. Parker hasn't like filmed something and immediately released it. There's not nothing on the cutting room. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not sure. Maybe they showed up at the prison and the guys were like, no, actually we saw your last movie. So we decided no.

We watched Best Friends Forever or whatever the last one was and we actually all got out of prison because it violated the Eighth Amendment. Yes. All right. So then we cut to this diner where a bunch of Christian single ladies are complaining that there just aren't enough good Christian men available. Oh, this diner being Forts Restaurant on the Square. Yes.

And I know that because we hang on the sign for the restaurant for about like 15, 20 seconds. Yes. And there's no way that this isn't like deliberately there because this is the only way that you were allowed to film in there is if you put up on the screen, the name of the restaurant and just parking out back as well.

That's a real plus. I even, I looked up the thoughts online. It is a real place. It describes itself as a steakhouse with an Italian flair and it turns out an MSN email address. So that's the level of quality we're working with. Okay, all right. I would give anything to be there

when Don and James Parker was like, and if you let us use your dining room, I'll have you know that literally hundreds of people who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate

me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate

me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate me, who hate and put it online so people can see the specials, which means that the fifth is filled with pitches of their staff, like crouching down with a phone. It's just every single one of them is like, yeah, the staff hiding behind their phone, taking pictures. It's really funny. Amazing. We should, as we do our live tour, we should like write down all the terrible restaurants

we've accidentally seen and gone and eaten them, do our own diners, drive-ins and dives, little, you know, interview with the owner. Okay, so what does John O'Parker have pictures of you doing that you will let him be in his restaurant? So, yeah, so these four women are talking, there's two younger women and two older women, right? Yes, and these women are the hot and horny singles in your area that you might have

read. Yes, you've seen so much about it. And the one of them that you know immediately is supposed to be Donald James Parker's love interest. She says, well, you know, the most important thing is to find a man who isn't bald and doesn't have a gut. And I'm like, okay, it's slice to Eli aside here. I'm surprised that she didn't mention how important it was to have an obsession with self aggrandizing films and a Mickey Mouse voice. You know, what I'm looking for is a guy who looks like, you know,

remember the fly, what if there was a Q-tip in the machine instead of a fly? Well, that's what I'm looking for. I wanna see the popcorn guy on Casual Friday. That's what I'm saying. That's what gets me wet. And there's this great moment where like a handsome guy walks by and one of the younger women goes

for the sexy cougar growl thing, but she fails entirely. She fails to make a growl sound. And I would have watched the rest of this two hour movie had just been her being like, go, rah, rah, rah. I don't know how to. You're saying roll my arms. I roll, I roll, I roll, I roll. I roll, I roll, I roll.

Roll your arms. So yeah. But yeah, but we established that this, what this older woman is looking for is an Rararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararar dropping on these women. Has he gone there for that reason? Cause he was just saying, like, I'll leave the one to pick out your next wife. And then we see him like just hanging out in a diner, tuning into random strangers conversations. Is he on the prowl? Cause he's also, he's wearing like a beige shirt and against a beige wall.

Like he's gone camouflage. So he's like, like a native to observe these women in the wild. So yeah, so, but the women, the older women are like, you know, what I want is a man I can submit to wrote Donald James Parker, then paid a woman to read. But the young women are like, well, I don't want to submit to no man. That's that's old fashioned. I 100% initially thought the submission talk was like BDSM stuff because I forgot that

in the world of this movie, wives submit to their husband. And I thought it was just that this woman was just like really open and comfortable about who she is and what she's into and you're like, good for her. Bringing that up over lunch. But no, this was, I need to be property. No way less healthy than beating the shit out of your partner, Marci.

This is some perverse shit right here. Some harmful garbage right now. So, but the younger women are like, I'm not gonna submit to no man., but the younger women are like, you know, I'm not going to submit to no man. And so the older women are like, how many times have you all been divorced? And they're both like three. 79. Yeah, I wrote my notes. I see because Marsh and I were writing notes at the same time.

And then he stopped and I wrote my notes. Oh, I'm assuming Marsh stopped writing notes for this scene because Nicola has kicked his television to pieces. wrote in my notes, oh, I'm assuming Marst up writing notes for this scene because Nicola has kicked his television to pieces. So yeah, so these older women explain all the wonders of submitting to your husband. They say like, well, you know, I just figured, you know, God gave him a penis so that it could have a third vote

when we argued. Literally. Yeah. And that was great. And they're like, well, I don't want my husband to make all the decisions. They're like, well, you know, my husband was a great leader and he never made rash choices. And I'm like, yeah, no, that sounds like men, the men that I've met in my life. Absolutely. Especially the ones who are devout Christians who force their wives to submit

to them. Oh, yeah, yeah. Never. And cool, great decision makers. Chill people who I do not see photos of during vulgarity for charity. Let me tell you. great decision makers. Chill people who I do not see photos of during Volgarity for Charity. Let me tell you. And is this where she says, you know, my responsibility, like my husband's responsibility is to be in charge and my responsibility to God is to be submissive? Yes.

At which point, I think Doris or one of the other ladies says, gag me with a spoon. Okay, she also thought this was a king conversation. She's on the same page. Yeah. The way that nobody involved in the making of this film understands what gag me with a spoon is a reference to. It's so beautiful. It's like when you see a baby swear or give the middle finger by accident.

It's like gag me with a spoon and the entire restaurant's like, why? Why a spoon? I don't get it. And then we get this great bit where like one of the women is like, so wait, are you saying that it's my fault that, you know, all these divorces are my fault that I had because I wasn't a doormat. And then like they have to dance around the fact that that is exactly what they're saying. Yes, that's absolutely what they're saying. So the two younger women wander off. They're like, well, we don't want to have this conversation. And the two older

women, this is Doris and Julie, they said they're going like, oh, all the damn feminism in the church now. Yes. The feminist movement sure has been successful in infiltrating the church. Baptist fucking church. Yeah. If there's one thing we can say about the modern American religious scene is that it's dominating philosophy is feminism. And that's what they call the zero-thwave feminists. And since the next scene also takes place at the same restaurant immediately after that, we get another establishing shot. We go back outside and look at the sign again. Which can only feel like a contractual obligation as part of the location. You said you'd show it twice.

It was going to get at least twice. He's sitting there while Chip is editing Chip. It hasn't been seen. There's no one seen the front of my restaurant for like 25 minutes. Yeah, right? Right, yeah. You promised me Chip. My lunch hour.

I wasted my lunch hour on your movie. So yeah, so but Jackson invites himself over to that table to chat with Julian Doris. By the way, their dishes and stuff have now been cleared away leading into this scene. So what are they waiting for? Oh, you know everyone in this movie is a sit at an empty table for an extra hour just talking person, right?

I mean, they're all drinking glasses of water with a single slice of lemon. So like they are gonna be super popular in that diner. Yeah. Can you bring me more sugar too for this water? So yeah, so he sits down at the table, doesn't ask permission or anything. He just sits down and he's like, hey, you know, I couldn't help but listening in on your conversation like a weird fucking creep.

And it just so happens that I know a great guy who's looking for a woman to submit to him Yeah, what any would either ladies like to marry my BFF even calls him his BFF. Yeah, like 60 something He calls me BFF. It's cringe worthy. Yeah, if you have a best friend That's not a dog in a Disney movie that I'm watching during the day because I have the flu you need medical help I thought you were my... Never mind, never mind Eli, you know, never mind. All right, no illusions. I challenge you to introduce me to anyone

as your best friend the next time we're in public. Oh, BFF in particular, yeah. BFF, yeah, obviously. This is my BFF-y line. So they start talking about, you know, he's like, would either you be interested in being the love interest and they have to

spend a few minutes talking about how 65 is pretty old, but you can still be hot and spry at 65, right? Oh, yeah, absolutely. I mean, if it was the right 65-year-old, we would spend the rest of the movie talking about how intellectually and sexually dominant he was for sure. Yeah. And it's great because she does say, like, oh, she talks about, oh, I like 65 seems a little old. And he actually says, you did say you liked older men. And he's basically almost saying, like, Oh, check the tape. If you could just rewind the tape.

Yeah, right. Right. Right. You can bring me a tape saying it. Throw in the red flag. We wrote in the script that you like older men. Yeah. And she says 65 would be at my limit. It's okay. So what's the problem here? It's at your limit and not over your limit. Right. Yeah. Exactly. What do you's the problem here? It's at your limit and not over your right. Yeah, exactly limit is so But but you know she says the woman to Doris is she's like, oh, yeah, no, I would definitely be interested and and Julie is like, I don't know. I'm pretty physically active. I don't think a 65 year old could keep up with me That's not a sex thing by the way. Don't get excited. No, sadly

So but they agree to meet him there at six he's like, I'll tell you what why don't you guys just come here early and I'll show up with him at six and we'll pretend that it's not a date and I'm like why the fuck are you setting this shit up like you guys are in middle school. A 14th century farce and I will say can I say this movie genuinely made me appreciate Shakespearean and other farces more. Right? Because watching this play out, like people trying to push their fists through a pound of Play-Doh, I was like, oh my god, wow, it really is impressive how quickly those things can be established. It played out when everyone's not a fucking idiot.

I'm like, ah, I wonder what the scene's the other way. It's almost like in the script, he's painted himself into a corner. That wasn't there. Like he's painted the corner and then painted himself into it. It's like that you're a guest speaker at QED Instructions, right? Which have now been idiot-proofed. It's like, and by the way, don't sexually harass anyone. Don't sexually harass yourself.

Don't sexually harass people outside of the hotel. Bring them inside and then continue to sexually harass people outside of the hotel, bring them inside, and then continue to sexually harass them there. It's the, we spelled this out because Eli's ruined it for everybody of Farz creating. So, okay, so now we cut to Donald James Parker's house where Jackson's playing chess with him some more. And Jackson, he's trying to figure out how to trick

Donald James Parker to go into dinner with him on Friday and meet Doris and Julie. So what he's gonna do is he's gonna sit there and lick and smack at us for 30 goddamn seconds while he brings up the nerve, like a goddamn 12 year old boy at his first school fucking dance to ask Donald James Parker on a date.

Like the stage direction said behaves suspiciously and he's acted every single letter of that stage direction. He's not letting a single space go unacted. Yeah. And so he's like, hey man, do you want to go to dinner with me on Friday up to Fortes where they have parking in the back apparently and mirror specialist? And he says, well, you know, I'd love to, but Friday is when I'm going to start my fast. He says, I'm fasting. So God will tell me what to do to help orphans and widows. Yeah.

He really, he wants to help the widows and the orphans and his solution is don't eat for a while. Yeah, that's going to name it. That's going to absolutely solve it. That should help. You don't see enough widow centric charities. Can I say that? I would like to see more people just going up to lady

at her husband's funeral being like, so you want some fucking money? At what age you stopped being an orphan as well? Like if you're 60 and then your parents die, are you then an orphan? Are you an orphan then? These are great questions. Right, yeah, yeah.

So yeah, so I don't honestly, I don't know what else happened in this scene because I just wrote my notes. If I don't make it and the investigators are reading these notes later, let it be known that it was Jackson's disgusting cacophony of mouth noises that did me in. I used to drink soup on our podcast

and I've never seen Noah in as much pain as he was during this scene. And it's so hard because like so far the tension in this movie has been a restaurant booking. That's the height of tension. Yes. How can we get this restaurant booked? And he says, oh, do you want to go to Forte? And he's like, oh, but the chicken there is amazing. It's always delicious. Like, yeah, you might as well have fucking ended that description of the chicken with a fucking discount

code. Right. This is Forte's slash best friends. That's B-E-S-D. Yeah. Right. Again, I just have to talk about how belabored this language is because unless you watch this movie you won't understand it, right? The line that Donald James Parker meant to write is, fine, twist my arm about it. This is what he said. Why do I have this sensation that my arm is being twisted behind my back? What? Every line is written like that too. But eventually he does agree to go. So we cut to

the restaurant where Doris and Julie are already waiting. Jackson walks up and he, this is great bit where he's supposed to be, you know, poorly selling that, oh, we just ran into each other, but he's such a bad actor that we don't know that, right? We just have to pick it up from context. He's poorly selling the poorly selling. It, it's like a metaverse thing. Yeah, exactly. It's impossible to tell from his regular acting because of how bad it all is. That's just, I can't tell what he's going for. Yeah. Right. And as Mars probably didn't notice, but I would imagine Eli noticed the girl, the hostess here is the girl from Gramps Goes to College. Hell yeah, she is. An extended Gramps averse here.

So they sit down like he's like, oh look, I've just run into two women that are sitting in a restaurant with two open chairs across from them. What are the odds? Let's sit down. Now, Donald James Parker is so stupid, he does not figure out that this is a setup at this moment.

No, right? No. It takes him a while. Which means we could trick Donald James Parker into eating with us so fucking easily. Oh, what he just said. He could just hang out in his town and there's no question we could be like, hey, this bathtub full of urine doesn't have anyone sitting in it and he'd be like, alright then. Oh my, you really, like, why do I have the sensation that my arms... I also just have to point this out.

The very first thing that Donald James Parker has written for this woman to say about him is, Tony, your slim build reminds me of a runner. He wrote and then paid an attractive woman to say to him. Very normal thing to say to someone the first time you meet them. The first thing you say. Yeah, absolutely normal stuff. I know a woman in Tokyo who will let you lie in her bathtub while she vomits on you. She would have said no to this lie.

She would have been like, absolutely not. My man, what's going on? That's gross. Yeah. So she says that they bond over cycling. They're both bicyclers, right? She goes, do you take supplements too? And he says, are you kidding me? I'm possibly the dumbest person there is. I take dozens.

Yeah, both me and Noah's notes are like, huh, Marsh? Huh? You thought it was just that? What if the grams are first? It is dangerous too, right? It is dangerous. It's like, it's like, Marsh, we, Marsh, you're getting to experience what we all get to experience in a be reasonable episode, right? It is dangerous. It's like, it's like Marsh. We, Marsh, you're getting to experience what we all get to experience in a be reasonable episode, right? Because Marsh knows the people on be reasonable are crazy. He gets, he needs to get them to admit it. And that's what it's like with the Dan James Parker movie. It's like, say cancer, just say cancer and he'll do a weird fucking thing. But yeah, they bond over how health conscious they both are incorrectly.

And then the server shows up to take their order and then correct me if I'm wrong. The movie passes out from boredom and then wakes up after they've ordered. It's like the camera blinks us and we fade to black and then unfade to black at the same table at the same time. But we've just censored out what food they'd ordered. Like we weren't allowed to out what food they'd ordered. Like we weren't allowed to say what they were actually eating. Maybe that was part of it. Maybe four days, they like to keep their restaurant at their menu a bit of a surprise.

Oh, there you go. You can show the restaurant, but don't say what we're cooking. That's a surprise when you get here. That's trade secrets. And can I throw this out there? I'm going to call my shot here. I'm going to say it's not possible to watch whatever Donald James Parker does when he orders food without punching him So what I imagine is they set the camera up and he was like and then each square of said tacos needs to be and the people Just running out and hitting him from the can they were like, you know, we'll just won't show it in the movie

Right Cruising all along his other side. Yeah. You've got to heat the soy milk to like 80 degrees, but no higher than 80 degrees or it'll burn. Okay. Now you did COVID. Yeah.

So then DJB loudly announces that he's got to go wash his hands before he eats, right? So he walks away. Yeah. He washes his hands. He's a real catch. He's the kind of guy who washes his hands, snap him up ladies.

Yeah. Right, yeah, exactly. So, and this is, God, Jesus, the error gets required to write this scene is just staggering. He walks away and everybody's just like, so him, huh? The guy who wrote the lines that we're saying now.

So there is one line that's not about how cool he is when they get up, because they need to determine that Julie wants him, but Doris doesn't. So Doris says that he's too scrawny for her. I want to tell James Parker to run an inside tackleer. Fucking bitch, who's scrawny now? Yeah, yeah. Or Bristol will be right fucking now. But her line is essentially saying, well, if anything, he's too fit and healthy and sexy.

Yes, right. Yes, exactly. Exactly. Yeah, and Julie's like, well, I sure like how he acts young for his age. Yeah, trying to resist the passage of time is a big turn on for her. He's really into that. Yeah, we've talked on occasion about making God-awful movies the movie. And one of my conditions is now that just every so often an extra will have to wander by and be like, wow, that past gadgets, there's beard is as thick and virulent as it is delicious. I love that you used virulent. Those are the words my brain provided.

This is also where she says, you know, well, if I have to decide now after like 25 seconds of interaction, she's like, I'm not sure, but if I have to decide right now, yeah, I'll marry him. That's basically what she says at this point. Yes. She's leaning towards smash. And then there's a moment to her, Jackson's like, so do you go bicycling with him? And he's like, oh, I could never keep up with Donald James Parker, the fucking speed demon blur of a bicyclist that he is. And I realized at that moment

that that's what the Recycled is doing in the title. Because they're bicyclists, cycles, and they're Why the fuck else would it be called best friends, recycles? Great question. So I wondered if it's because like they were married and now they're getting married again, and does he consider that like recycling? Well, sure, sure. But then, but it's a double, it's a double meaning. It's very clever, Marsha.

He's never done a double meaning. He's, he struggles for one meaning. I don't think he's done a single meaning. I was gonna say, yeah. And also he has, and I have to point this out, he has resting mortified by the second tiny head growing out of your neck face. He sits back down at the thing

and he's just supposed to be chatting with the chick, but the whole time he's staring at her like she just vomited and didn't realize. And the conversation they have, because obviously she loves cycling too, and they have to have a long conversation about cycling, but they start bonding over what width of tires they use on their road bike compared to their hybrid bike and the various weather suitability of those tires. Oh, gosh. So then Jackson and Doris get up to each use the bathroom such that they leave Julie and Donald James Parker alone. So they bond over. She's like, hey, do you love alkaline water? And he's like, I do love alkaline water.

Mer still has to do it. I also think Walt could be turned into magic, yes. Magic water, that's the thing is the, it's the fuck, nonsense is the background noise of this film. It doesn't even need to be at the forefront. There might as well be someone doing like homeopathic distillations in the background of one of the scenes

just whacking water around to the four directions. someone doing like homeopathic distillations in the background of one of the scenes, just whacking water around to the four directions. The way it just comes by with a pair of dowsing rods to try and find the food. Yeah, right. Don't mind me just finding bombs for the government. Yes. And so, and of course, they're trying to do this thing where like they have so much in common. So he'll be like, you know, I like alkaline water. I also like alkaline water. I take a lot of supplements. I also take a lot of supplements, but they go one too far. She's like, you know, well, you know, my wife died about three years ago. And she's like, my husband also died about three years ago.

Like, no, that doesn't count, ladies. No, they're crushed into each other and they both smoothed their both eyes. They killed each other in a murder homicide. They killed each other in a murder homicide. So, so yeah, so, uh, murder homicide. Murder homicide, that's right. Stick it to it. I have, Marsh gave me COVID through the long way and now you're here. I am.

Yep. You know where you're at, man. Fighting through my illness. My co-fund me keeps getting rejected. So then they have this bizarre fucking moment where they're like, hey, you know what would be funny is if when they come back, cause like this is where Donald James Parker

starts to think, hey, wait a minute, this has all been a setup, hasn't it? And Angel is like, yeah, it was a setup. He's like, hey, here would be a fun thing that we could do. Why don't we pretend like we're leaving to go make out when they get back? Not just make out, an extreme make out session. And the word extreme is a crazy inclusion in that sense. They're gonna do it on a skateboard. Yeah. So and then she says, oh, I got an even better one. What if we just pretend to hate each other

when they get back and then go make out? And I'm like, I've had that one used against me before, Donald, don't fall for it, but he does. Yeah. Cause he has to then reiterate, okay, we'll do that. But like everything I say is a lie, cause I actually really like you. And the part of the conversation where he's talking

about how he likes her is so stilted, it feels like it's part of a language learning app for non-native speakers. Right. Because he said, I prefer dark hair and brown eyes like yours. And she says, yes, Doris prefers bigger men and she might as well carry on, I like riding my bike but I don't like hamburgers. What time did the supermarket open? Don't speak about our sponsors like that, Marsh.

We're making good money off those people. So Doris and Jackson come back together at the same time. Apparently they have, you know, similar shitting times. From somewhere that wasn't the toilet, because they went off to the left behind Judy to the toilet and came back from the other side. So I don't know why they've circumnavigated the restaurant. They went to go look at the big fogged up dessert case. So they come back and they sit down and Julie and Donald just start like

jabbing at each other verbally, but it's Donald James Parker line. So it's all nonsense. She says to him at one point, oh, I thought you couldn't be contained because you consider yourself the container. What does that mean? Could that possibly mean? Thank you, Amarsh. At one point he says he taught English and she's like, I hate English. It's a stupid language for stupid people. Yeah, he goes, I taught American literature and she goes, I hate American literature. I like British literature. I mean, she's got a literature. I like British literature.

I mean, she's got a point. British literature is superior. Hey, you had a head start. Like, my house has all been in the entire American canon. No, that's fair. That's fair. Yeah. We all know that, Marsh. You win. Right. Yeah.

You've got fucking Mike Tyson over there in Shakespeare. Our best guy is like, fuck, I don't even know. It's a hurtful. It's hurtful to rub that in, Marsh. Check your privilege. So yeah. And then this is also, of course, where we were reminded that Jackson was a professor of science. That's what they actually say, a professor of science. Like he's going to assure us that we did, in fact,

a vote from filthy monkey men in a second. So then, okay. So we cut to the end of the meal. Apparently they've just kept up the hateful deception, the container barbs the entire time. And then they're like, so we're gonna leave and go make out. And Jackson and Doris are like, what? And then they leave.

Yep. And it's fucking pointless. The whole thing is fucking pointless. It's just impossible. Absolutely, yes. Yeah, well, and then, look, if there was any chance of this being funny at all, and there wasn't, but even if there was, it's going to be undercut by the fact

that for like the next three or four scenes, we're going to see Jackson and Doris go like, wait, why would they do that? This doesn't make any sense at all. I sure am bamboozled by any chicanery that was played upon me. Yeah. No, Jackson even says, I'm concerned for Donald James Parker's mental health. And I'm like, well, okay, fuck a rare moment of agreement with the film. I suppose that's a good place for a quick break.

But we'll be back in a minute with even more of Best Friends Recycled. Rats frassing, angry. Well, well, well. Hey, Eli, you're making those pre-ad angonoises. What's the problem? Yeah, angry, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well anymore. This Valentine's Day, me undies can help you look huge with their contoured pouch and ballcaddy. Every Valentine's Day needs a Valentine's night and me undies is your perfect thirst trap to get the mood right. Give them a try! Wow! These me undies make my package look like a special delivery.

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at meundies.com slash awful. That's meundies.com slash awful for 20% off plus free shipping. Meeundies, comfort from the outside in. Thanks, Meeundiesies my hog is looking good ah please stop calling it your hog no okay all right now Julie ah in this scene you and I will meet for the first time oh yes Donald I'm very excited okay good also did you make sure you didn't have any breakfast? Yeah, but I'm confused. Why couldn't I have breakfast?

Well, for the last movie, the actress I hired got a terrible stomach bug right at the start of production. She was just throwing up in every scene with me. It was a regular Cambrian explosion coming out of her, you know? Right, right. Well, I didn't have breakfast, so I'm sure I'll be fine. Shall we run it? Sure, sure. All right, here's the script. Okay. Oh, Tony, I'm as attracted to you as I find you funny. Funny? You mean a money, buddy? Oh, Tony, what a clever and interesting response. Sorry, I need the bathroom. Man, another girl with a stomach flu.

I must be going around, Chip. Yep, must be going around. And we're back for more of this shit. And we're going to rejoin the action outside the restaurant with DJ P and Julie just yucking it up about how confused their best friends are now. There's this great moment where she's like, wow, you were so witty, I could barely even keep up with you. Again, that's a line he wrote and then paid a woman to see him. It's so bad. It is so bad. Like, where is your dignity, lady? I don't care. He can't have been

paying that much. I've seen him. Exactly. We'll come to why.? I don't care. He can't have been paying that much. I've seen him. Exactly. Will come to why. I've seen his house. He can't have been paying that much. He has the same financial management firm as we do. He's not doing well. No way. Right.

But yeah, so we cut back into the restaurant where Doris and Jackson are still like, I don't understand why they would have done the thing that they did. And then we go back out. Donald James Parker wants to go back in and explain the joke to Doris and Jackson and Julie's like, you know what? Fuck them. Just fuck them. Yeah. So they go off to like hang out, but she has to she has to be clear that you know She's no fucking whore. They're not gonna kiss on the first date There's not gonna be any of this necking. She's heard so much about it's 2024

Right on the pacing of all this is just so glacial as well I mean it feels like this is at least a third of the movie Just them talking about how great the prank this was and then then cutting back to their friends, and they're just like, but that was strange. They were, they say, the friends say, they were insulting each other as if they were married. It's like, okay, first of all, you guys have really bad marriages. If that's what your marriage is like, it's very bad.

I know why your spouses killed themselves. She's on the same Halloween night. All four of their spouses, all four of them have dead spouses, right? Yes, they're all. No, I think Jackson is supposed to be divorced because he only found Jesus recently. Yeah, his one's escaped.

Okay, fair enough. I haven't got his full backstory. That's not fully clear to me. No, you gotta go, but you have to watch all of them, right? You really have to watch them in order. You know, Marsh, you're always, oh, I'm the guy who does the research, but you did not watch eight Donald James Parker movies leading up to this one. I'm just saying.

So now Jackson's starting to catch on, right? We go back in and he goes, hold on a second. Well, actually hold on a minute. Hold on a whole minute. Hold on. I'm getting. And we do hold on a minute because we see him like think this out loud, like one eighth of a thought at a time. And it's like sometimes I like to watch the film at like double speed or heart 1.5 speed. It's like the script writer was writing this at one quarter speed. So you have to like write way to carton pick in moment. No, that's not it. Hang on. I'm just gonna get there. You know where you're going. Jesus, kill me. I think thoughts are a conscious effort

for the cast of this movie. Like I think the philosophical zombie theory has proven true by the cast of all of Donald James Parker's movies. So is counting, we'll get there, but yeah. So they go outside to see, they're like, you know, I bet they're just outside laughing and giggling and stuff at how silly we are.

So they go outside to look for them, they're not there. Dorisis is like well, maybe they're actually out having an extreme makeout session I remember back in high school There was this place that some people would go lovers lane and then other people would go down there and just you know Flick their beans to the concept Might be down there we could why don't we what go. Why don't we go watch young people have sex? So yeah, but they do. They go off together. He promises to tell her the story of how he became a Christian, so he's going to play

her the first movie on the drive. Yeah, it's great because he says, and this is a direct quote, you know, we all do things we come to regret. In fact, I just became a Christian. It's like, yes. So then we cut to Julie and DJP. They're sitting on his Dodge neon or whatever, looking at the stars. Julie says, wow, I haven't done something so zany in years. They're talking like they pulled off the prank of the year. They fake argued for a bit and then walked out.

It's not that zany. No. Get over yourself, yeah. Oh, they try for more witty repartee. It turns into just randomly misquoting Hannah Barbera cartoons. Yes. So he says, well, that would make me smarter than the average pick a nick basket boo boo. I said, what?

Because like she said, smart and the average bear,, boo boo. I said, what? Cause like she said, smarter than the average bear, she was quoting Yogi Bear, you're just naming related things. Cause at no point does Yogi Bear ever claim to be smarter than a picnic basket. It's just, yeah. Our graduates are loony tunes.

This is the other thing that I realized as well, is like, we're at a point of media availability where there can be an entire universe of nonsense unrelated media that Donald James Parker contains in his head. But like it's a cinematic universe, right? He's like, oh, don't worry. I don't need to watch any movie after the year 1948 because I've got all of these golden oldies on the Turner classic movie.

Yes. Yeah. Right. Well, and okay. And then we get this bizarre fucking retcon. And I just love Marcia's experience through this. Okay. So in the previous movie, his character loved the book Dandelion Wine by Raid Bradbury. But after that movie came out, somebody clearly one of his viewers wrote into him and said, hey, you know, that book that you were promoting there has a lot of witchcraft and Satanism in it. Maybe you shouldn't have promoted that. So this conversation that they suddenly

and out of fucking nowhere have about Dandelion Wine is his way of dialing it back, dialing his love for that book back a little bit? Right, because that was not in any way clear. So she says, actually, I like American novels, but there's this one book I really love that nobody but the really smartest people in the entire world have heard of. You've probably not heard of it. He's like, I know that book. Don't get me wrong. But then he says, and she says, but there is one chapter that I don't like. And he But then he says, and she says, but there is one chapter that I don't

like. And he immediately comes in as the one about witches. And he talks at length about the witch chapter. And I really wanted to say, no, no, no, not that one. I mean, the other chapter, you know, where a kid has to go to Wisconsin, it's fucking criminal. That's fine. Yeah. No, that's not okay. We really hate that one. Yeah. But yeah, but this turns into this weird conversation of them both agreeing that witchcraft actually plays a very big role in Satan's deception of mankind. Yeah. And by the way, if you haven't seen the YouTuber who traveled to Donald James Parker's house to ask him if he's worried about witches, check it out. It's phenomenal.

Oh, it's not a real thing. Oh, yeah. No, absolutely. Look up Donald James Parker interview. The video is called like I interviewed Gramps or whatever and it fucking rules. Amazing. Does Donald James Parker being like, please put me on be reasonable Marsh. So crazy. The lion ain't got nothing on me. I was going to ask how the YouTuber managed to find his house, but it turns out

he just self-doxed on a regular basis. In the movies. Yeah, exactly. We'll get there. We'll get there. Yeah. So here is an actual line listeners from this conversation that the two of them have she says at one point and Again apropos of nothing. This is as related to dandelion wine by Ray Bradbury. She says and I quote and

You know it is in proclaiming the blood of the lamb that we overcome Satan in proclaiming the blood of the lamb that we overcome Satan. I think if someone says that and they don't turn into a monster that you're going to fight in Bloodborne, that's a bad sign. I don't know what proclaiming could possibly mean. Right. So yeah. So yeah, then he asks her how she feels about speaking in tongues. Now that was a major point of contention.

And like the major point, like the conflict in the previous movie was about whether spraying in tongues was satanic. OK, I also didn't have that context. So I was like, OK, that's the thing he's just just bringing up. But I thought, well, to be fair, his dialogue is almost indistinguishable from speaking in tongues. So I can see why this is going for him. Sometimes people accidentally recite Donald James Parker scripts while they're attempting to speak in tongues so I can see why this is going for him. Sometimes people accidentally recite

Donald James Parker scripts while they're attempting to speak in tongues. Yeah, right, never tell what you're gonna get. So yeah, they talk about their dead spouses for a bit. Then they have this weird like, does God have a plan for our lives moment? What? Of course he does.

That's their only... Or Christian wouldn't think it, but actually Donald James Parker is dumber than mainstream Christianity Right. He's like well. No, God can't have a plan for us because then we wouldn't have free will and it's like No, like I can have a plan for something that does or does not happen. Yes. Yeah, yeah, right So yeah, it's it's so funny But then he's like, wait a minute, are you saying that God's plan was to kill my wife with cancer and your husband with cancer and Doris's husband with cancer? Because we only really know the one thing that people die of.

Well, we do know two diseases, but we're saving the second disease from the last third of the film. Oh, that's right. Yeah, no, we're going to do, get a lot of use out of that one at the end. So, but yeah, but then they lament the fact that it's really hard to believe in God these days, what with all the access to information. So yes. And he says about how it's all the fault of the internet and misinformation. And again, I didn't know anything about who

Donald James Parker was as a person. And so I said, oh yeah, there is no way that Donald James Parker didn't go full queue and on during lockdown. And then I checked and in yeah, there is no way that Donald James Parker didn't go full Q and on during lockdown And then I checked and in 2020 he did make the movie hearts are Trump United We will win practically a Q and on slogan at that point we we did watch that movie You're wondering is there a rumble against Antifa in a shopping mall? Yes, there is there is a Antifa in a shopping mall, yes, there is. There is a rumble against Antifa in a shopping mall in that film.

I must have listened to you do that and then not have registered that. And then blacked out from sheer terror at what humanity is. You haven't done the next film in this trilogy, which I looked ahead. No. It's a tirade against vaccines and chemotherapy. No, no, we have not done that one. It's delightful. Yeah. And it's called Best Friends Genetically Modified. So that's, it's very promising. I'm not gonna say who shoots Donald James Parker,

but whoever you're guessing, podcast listener, you're wrong. Yeah, nope. Nope, it's gonna be a fun one. So, but before we get to this, we've got to finish this one. So we cut to Jackson and Doris. They're in Jackson's car, driving around, seeing if they can find Donald James Parker

and Julie making out, I guess. Right? And honestly, normally I would not even talk about this scene because nothing happens in it, except that there's just an amazing moment where the music cuts out and then the scene keeps well anywaying for like 40 seconds. It's like they were being played off.

And you know when the Oscars sometimes they try to play them off and they just say no. So the band goes like a... Yeah. yeah it was like that but for a movie. So okay so then we cut over to Julius dropping Donald James Parker off at his house after their fun night at Make Out Point or whatever. We issue it's at his house but like all of the outdoor shots just at night here to take place with no background So it's just completely pitch black behind them It was when they were in the parking the famous parking lot of Forte's because we know they've got parking in the back

But that was just a plain black background. They aren't here and I thought is this also shot on a soundstage Have they faked the whole thing like the moon landing? Interesting Is that why the door stalls in this guy? Oh, interesting. Interesting. I did notice Donald James Parker's flesh was rippling in a way that wouldn't have made any sense in an oxygen-free environment. But they decide that they want to see each other again. So she invites him to her church on Sunday

and maybe a bike ride after a weather permitting. But she says that in her absolute best fuck me voice. It's like, oh, do you want to come to my church and maybe for a bike ride after a weather permitting. She says that in her absolute best fuck me voice. It's like, oh, do you want to come to my church and maybe for a bike ride? Ah, this doesn't work. That's not a seductive offer. She says, I want to see you again.

And he says, I think that can be arranged. And I just want to say, if you're a female identifying person and you say, I want to see you again to someone and they respond with, I think that can be arranged, legally you're a female identifying person and you say I wanna see you again to someone and they respond with, I think that can be arranged, legally you get a Baxis. Just so you legally- Right, yes, absolutely, absolutely.

You did not say that. Like in the chess game, yes. Exactly, exactly. Exactly. Well, there's also this great moment here where she's like, you know, look, we had some fun tonight, but I don't, her actual line was, tonight was fun, but I don't live in fun land, right?

She says I don't want to have a bunch of fun and joy in my life. I'm a Christian damn it I want a God centered relationship. Yeah, and it's because he says that she's pretty like his granddaughter Right. She's like, hey, when you compared me to your granddaughter just now, you were basically describing my labia menorah. So I really need you to know that God is number one. And then she quotes her crazy person, Bible, because she doesn't have enough fucking crazy virginity quotes from the regular Bible. She's like this. Where's my Bible says they're going to eat the blood out of your dead eye sockets.

They're coming. They're coming. Never stop running. And he's like, yes, that is an equally valid version of the new chapter. Yes, yes, right, right. Oh, God. He says, do you want me to pick you up for church? She says, no, we'll just both be there. And he's like, oh, this sounds lovely. Where is it? And she says, it's at the corner of Harper and Third. And he says, and I thought about this for a very long time last night. I'm very familiar with that intersection. Yes.

What? Is there a backstory? Was that in the first film? I don't think. The intersection. All the intersections in town. I wrote, is that where the traumatic Jezebel incident happened? Did he have something done at that intersection?

That's where he bruised his hog. And then at the end of the scene, he says sweet dreams. And I'm just saying, million dollar idea. You know, those like cricket buttons that you hide in someone's house and it makes it cheap every we should do that. But with it's Donald James Parker saying sweet dreams sweet dreams. You hide it in someone's house and it doesn't go off for a hundred hours or whatever. I think it's great. No, it's good.

I like it. So then Donald James Parker is at his house. He's walking around singing. He comes into his bedroom. He kneels down at the side of the bed like a fucking four year old to pray. He's going to say his prayers. Oh my God. Oh, and this, this scene, the camera is on the side of the bed, but it's sort of shot

like there's a real estate agent trying to convince you this is to a double bedroom. I know it doesn't look like, but we can get a double bed in. There's a double bed in the double bedroom. It must be. I also, I just have to talk about the terrible filmmaking that's doing here, right? Because it's supposed to be the like, Lou, Lou, Lou had a good old time, but Donald James Parker is so enamored with himself that he just at pace sings an entire oldie song. He's like, something tells me a man to something good. First verse.

Here we go. He has to get all the way through that song. And then he has to have his phone ring, right? Like it says so that he can ignore Jackson's phone call. And the whole time he's doing this, he's kneeled over ready to pray. So he kneels over ready to pray and then sings the last three verses if I'm into something. God gave a baby cancer out of spite when he heard that because that opens up the line to God. He was like, Oh, fuck. You know what? Typhoon. Yeah.

Typhoon. Fair. Equal exchange. Absolutely fair. Yeah. So yeah, Jackson calls me. He ignores it. He's like, oh, you tricked me into meeting a woman that I then fell in love with. I'll torture you a little bit longer. And then he does his prayer, right? Where he's like, oh, hey, God, just want to let you know if you want to meet a Mary, Julie, I'm totally in. Also, she's a big fan of your stuff. So if you want to put in a good word for me, that'd be awesome. Yeah, he's basically asking God to be his wingman in this scene. Yes! Yeah. He's all in on Mary and Julie. You've walked her home once, but that's it. You're all the way in. Yeah. So then, okay, so we cut over to Julie calling Doris, and they have like the same goddamn

repartee as Donald James Parker and Jackson have. Yes, the literally the only reason for this scene is so that both Doris and Julie can agree that Donald James Parker won their fake insult fight. And just to be clear, he was much cleverer than you. Yes, much cleverer, but I still like him. Yes. So yeah, she tells Doris, but I made it clear that if he wants to marry me, he needs my father's permission. My heavenly father. Oh, God. I wanted Doris to be like,

did you just play the trombone after your own words? Do you have a sound board? So, okay. So then we get what Donald James Parker thinks is a proving scene. This is where he stretches, where he touches his toes. I'm sorry, touches the shit out of his toes. I was going to say, I really need Donald Parker to be more stretchy before he brags in this

scene about it. He is not well. No, and he's very clearly bending his knees to touch his toes, which makes it a lot less impressive. Totally. Totally. It's like, yeah, I got up when he was, so I'm doing this. I'm like, I bet I can do that.

I got up. I got up and I'm like, oh, actually. I do the same thing. I was like, I need to know I'm more flexible than Donald James Parker. And in fact, I am. And then I was like, oh, that's actually kind of, that's kind of difficult. And then I watched it and I'm like, oh, he's bending his fucking knees. That asshole.

The cheater. I can do it, but I have very long arms, so it's not really that much of an issue for me. I'm basically going to rangatang in the, in the car. Yeah. I can skisper with my arms. not really that much of an issue for me. I'm basically going to rangatang in the middle of the card. Yeah, I can skip. You almost can't help but touch your knees. Marsh touches his toes by breathing out too hard, so it doesn't really. Also, as he's like bent over touches his toes, and then his friend comes round,

and he so he stands up to speak to him, but his head is out of shot throughout the whole thing. And also by the sound of the echo, his head is out of shot inside a cathedral off the top of the screen, because it's so echoey up there. There's this weird thing about this shot and it's barely worth mentioning but I do have to talk about it. His face is glazed in a half beautiful ray of sunlight and I know it's just a coincidence right? I know that in nine movies there was just by chance the camcorder was going to pick up something beautiful But it's so weird to him be just being like oh, yeah, I sure do like M&M So I like to lick them and then the candy is cut while this beautiful ray of sun cascades across his parchment skin

It was nuts for me. Well, okay So here's what's so fucking funny about this because this was golden hour, right? Like so it so right before right after sunrise right before sunset. There's this like, you know 45 minutes or whatever where this is you get beautiful lighting no matter what you do So somebody told him about that he's like, oh, I'm gonna do my stretching scene in the golden hour Which means that I already had to wake up at like 5 30 in the fucking morning to do this dumb shit or whatever But they're inside. So like, he like, yes, we get this one gorgeous shot of him, but every time it cuts over to Jackson, he's just drown out in shadow and

shit. You can see the golden hour light coming through the window here and there. This is fine. I also had lighting notes. This is what I was saying. Yeah. I also had lighting notes is what I was saying. Thank you. But yeah, so but Donald James Parker tells Jackson off for introducing him to a beautiful, younger woman that seems romantically interested in him. Right. Yeah. And he tells him off by saying, well, the next time you put me on the menu for some female consumers,

so that is the DJP magic right there. Isn't it? Yes. Only he can write dialogue like that. Also, there's just an amazing moment. Donald James Parker literally wrote the lines backwards at the end of the scene, right? So, what's supposed to happen is Donald James Parker is supposed to sing a joke. Oh, yes. And then his friend Jackson is supposed to go,

Well, you think you're the lead singer of Up With People, so I'm gonna go. But they said the lines in the wrong order, so he says, you think you're the lead singer of Up with People for no reason. And then Donald J Parker goes, Oh, love my little lady and dancing. That line made sense. No second takes. I think Jackson, I think he said to Jackson as well, well, you need to get something that rhymes with life in this scene. And I wrote my notes, please me knife, please tell me. He didn't. And then I thought, actually, fewer things rhyme with life

than you might think. You really have only got a couple. You've got strife, you've got writhe, you've got fife. Fife. OK, yeah, that's a good one. Yeah Yeah, I would have thought I would have been one. Yeah. All right So then we cut to Julie and Donald James Parker on Sunday They've just left the crowd of the church service and they walk out now This is what's really happening is that Donald James Parker is such a bad Writer that he's writing the exact same fucking scene that was in his previous movie, but he's aware of that

So they walk out of the church and she goes, so what did you think of my church? And he goes, whoa, this is like deja vu in reverse. And I'm like, that would be remembering something after it happened, wouldn't it? Yes, or it'd be something you've never seen. Right, yes. Or it'd be something you have seen before, but don't remember. Which is an experience I think Donald James Parker probably has. Yeah he has reverse deja vu all the

fucking time. So yeah no he goes oh you know this is such a badly written movie that this is the exact this is like the reverse scene and so they have to talk about her church which he's not all that impressed with, apparently. Yeah, well, you know, they're talking in tongues and singing and dancing, and he's, his words that he wrote about himself, kind of reserved and stoic. Yes, reserved is what I was going to say about this man. And then she says, well, haven't you ever done the wave at a ball game? And he's like, oh, yeah, I've gotten pretty wild. I have stood up in sequence and then sat back down again.

You're right. I've gotten pretty fucking wacky up in this bitch. Let me tell you. He says at one point in this conversation, he goes, quote, some people at my church believe that emotional music is a tool of the devil. Well, yeah, I've got this as well. I've written down emotional music is the tool of the devil. And the next line is the devil certainly has a field day with those outlets. Yes.

And then the words, worshiping in spirit and truth just went shooting through my head. And then I wrote, I'm just reduced to transcription. I can't do anything other than write down what they're saying. This is my life now. There's no about. Yeah, no, but that's just the thing. They are now talking about whether or not dancing is necessarily satanic.

And that's the shit that only Donald James Parker can bring. That's like his, it's like a foot shot to tear into. Those are the questions only he is remembering in Graham's shoes when like just 12 minutes of the movie suddenly were about how Satanic Harry Potter is. It's like that. You always get at least one with James. Oh yeah. And this one we get to this is the first one we get to here. Anyway, so they're about to leave Doris walks up and they're like, oh, you know,

we're about to go to lunch, Doris. Would you like to go with us? And she says, sure, let's talk about Jackson. All right. This is where we learn that Jackson doesn't go to one church. He goes to every church because he's still trying to find one that lines up with his batshit theology. Yes. Yeah. Jackson has some convictions about what the Bible says that don't exactly mesh with mainstream Protestant theology is the line. Yes. I was just like, yeah, he just thinks bats are birds and he's gonna die on that hill. When she said the line, if he's into the Bible, he doesn't feel comfortable in the world.

And I wrote in my notes, no Amalekites to smash. I get it. Yeah. doesn't feel comfortable in the world, and I wrote in my notes, no Amalekites to smash, I get it. I think I'm gonna get a big rock, nothing to do with it. You guys freely admit that the entire world is off limits to your weird, crazy fucking shit. But yeah, we get a scene after that where apparently Doris has gone to Jackson's place to talk to him about how spiritually lonely he is.

Mm-hmm. And he says he's lonely because trying to hook up with Tony these days is impossible. But like she was stood with him in the last scene, so it's not that difficult. And also it's been like a day. It's been two days or something. It's not that difficult to hang out with Tony. You had dinner with him two days ago and you've seen him since. And yeah, you saw him Saturday in the morning. Yes. Well, you know, if you consider someone to be your best friend, like a five year old

kindergartner would, then it's really important you see Tony every day and that you trade your cupcake for his Twinkies. No, that's true. That is true. That is true. Yeah. Yeah. But so they talk about the weird theological minutiae of what he doesn't like. And at one point she's like, yeah, I've never even heard of a religion that believes Whatever the fuck you're talking about. Yeah, she's like, oh Because his point is basically that he doesn't think Paul Means that you're literally saved forever when you're saved, which is fucking idiotic You apparently need to update your salvation like car insurance or a subscription to chess.com your salvation like car insurance or a subscription to chess.com and Doris's response in Donald James Parker's defense about himself is, well, that's bizarre and biblically inaccurate. And

he's like, it is. It is. Yes, it is. But I do like the fact that Jackson only became a Christian very recently, but now he thinks he understands the Bible better than anyone who ever lived, which is like just pure white boomer comfort. Better than Paul of Tarsus, yes. Yeah. Like the confidence of a white boomer is remarkable. So then we cut over to Donald James Parker's place. His granddaughter has been gone for the last three days, right?

We've written her out. She's just showing back up. This is Madison from the previous movie. She's fucking great. She comes in, she's like, hey, Gramps. And she's, he says, hey, I fell in love with what we were going to. And she says, well, I was only gone for, and she pauses for like 18 fucking seconds and goes three days. I think she was waiting until it was exactly three days. Hang on, it's still two days. Two days, 49 minutes, 57 seconds.

Oh, God. And so he's like, yeah, I met somebody and she says, you're quite a catch. And I wrote, he wrote and then paid a 21 year old girl to say to him. Yeah, she says that. She says, I'm speaking from an impartial viewpoint as a woman, which is a woman he hired to read those words. I've already written about it. Yeah. Yeah. But she warns him. She says, you know, take it slow.

Yeah, it's great. She says, would you like a little bit? She says, would a little bit of advice be welcome? And he says, sure. And I wanted to say, okay, so first off, try and shoot both sides of this conversation with the same lighting profile that will feel like it's happening at the same time. And also if you just pause for like 10 seconds or so, you get a sample of the room noise that you can use to equalize the sound profile. Do you feel like this whole thing's happening at the same time?

Yeah, but his actual response to the advice question is better because she says, would some advice be welcome? And he's like, I'm not gonna listen to you because you're not me. And she's like, all right, well, I guess I'll keep talking then. Yeah, he goes, you could say advice, sure.

Free country, bitch. Starts playing with a ballast song menacingly in front of her. Okay, you know what, I'm just gonna go to my room. But yeah, but ultimately she's like, most importantly of all though, let God lead. And I'm like It's weird how Christians always do that shit where they'll be like the most important thing is and then they'll say the least important

Possible thing right after that. Oh every time. Yeah, and then she says now Are you ready for me to make you some lunch? It's like she's only just walked in what does this woman? I when he first started talking about her I assumed it was like his in-house carer or cook, because all he talks about is like, well, Madison's going to be away, so she won't be able to cook me meals, or Madison will be back by then and she can cook me. As soon as she walks in, she hasn't even put a bag down and she's making this guy food. Can he not just make his own food? He's 65. Yeah.

Cater to yourself, Jesus. No, but that's just the thing is he wants to establish good and goddamn well that he's not the kind of sissy boy that cooks his own food women make his food damn it Oh my god. Yeah, it's so explicit about that later in the movie. It's amazing Yeah, he's not the kind of man who's a sissy man who's self-sufficient and gave Exactly alright so plot wise clearly he thought boy meets girl is all he needed We're gonna call this then the end of act 2 and I'm gonna give Act 3 the hard sell. Will this movie even bother to have a conflict?

Will that conflict be the stupidest imaginable thing? Will the stupidest imaginable thing suddenly and unexpectedly involve a rent level surprise AIDS finale? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the Donald James partastic conclusion of Best Friends Recycle. This show is sponsored by Better Help. Hey podcast listener, we're Valentine's Day right around the corner. Love is on a lot of people's minds, but one of the most important kinds of love is loving yourself. Oh, I know what you're getting at, Marsh. Give me one second. No, no. Definitely not what you're thinking. No. I'm thinking about the self-care of therapy. Okay. First of all, that's just misleading. And two, therapy. Doesn't that take like a

million bajillion hours to find? Well, if you're thinking of starting therapy, give Better Help or Try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible and suited to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists any time for no additional charge. Wow! So I can work on myself without having to spend days searching online? Exactly. Become your own soulmate, whether you're looking for one or not.

Visit BetterHelp.com slash awful today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp-h-e-l-p-dot-com-slash-awful. Thanks, Marsh. So are you sure they don't want us to... Yeah, very sure. Absolutely positive, yes. Ha ha ha. Can I ask you something, Tony?

Oh, well, of course, Julie. Do you believe that God has a plan for our lives? Oh, no, Julie. That would take away our free will. I suppose that's true, but isn't God omnipotent? Indeed, he is, Julie, which is why God must be born afresh each day from His great wonder egg. Wonder egg? Yes, yes, the universal source of all his power.

God is born each day knowing nothing, and then, as the sun sets, he seals himself back inside so that the universe doesn't collapse in on itself due to a known time paradox of both being seen and unseen at the same time. Right, but what is he going to do when Christ comes back? The egg will fail to form, and all that has ever been will collapse onto itself, infinite realities with infinite cards, knowing all and seeing all, including himself. Ah, and that's why we're not allowed to masturbate. Right, got it.

This is not dumber than what we actually believe. No, it's not, Julie. It really actually is not. And we're back for even more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Doris and Julie having tea together, talking about Jackson and his weird, crazy relationship to the Bible. And Doris is wearing a ring that is so large that I think it means she's part of a secret society of terrorists. I think that's what I'm reading. Blackbird's coming for it.

Also, I just have to point out that I've never been more certain than this was a scene where one actor held the camera while the other one was talking and then the other actor held the camera. I think they did it in real time and we're just watching them hand the camera back and forth. Oh, it's so bad. And there's like completely different audio signatures on either side of the conversation. They're in the same fucking room. But whenever Julie talks, it's like, whenever Doris sucks, it's completely different. It's echoing down from Mount Olympus for some fucking reason.

Yeah. And it's so bad because like we're an hour in and all that's happened in this movie is that four elderly people have been on one date. And that is the sum total of what we spent the last hour on. That's everything in this film. Yeah. So they're talking about where Doris and Jackson are gonna go on their next date.

And they're like, well, we thought we were gonna read some of the same books. And I thought, oh, well, you know, that's a lovely way to get to know somebody. Hey, we're gonna both read this book and then we can talk about it, right? But of course this is this movie, so Julie has to shit on it.

She's like, that's a terrible and stupid idea. Stupid, we should shut down all the libraries and replace them with the blood of the lamb. Yeah. No. What she recommends Doris do, and again, this is a Donald James Parker special, invite yourself over to his house to change his religion. Great. No, to Bible study with him. Yeah. Well, I actually saw down and Julie saw down on reading.

Reading was the thing she liked doing. It's one of the few things. Right. It's a bike riding and reading of the two things we know she likes. And she says, and this is her actual quote. I love this so much. She says, I just think it's rather droll to think of two people sitting at a library on a date. And I'm like, well, if you spent more time at them, you might learn what droll means. If not else, they would be probably. Then you would say a totally different word in that situation.

Yeah, she just has a different understanding of the word drove and more mainstream Protestant. And that's where she diverges theologically from that religion. There it is. We found it, everybody. Yeah, so Doris thinks that's a great idea. Her and Jackson can Bible study over at his place sometime. And then they're like, so would you like to fail the Bechtel test about a different man for a minute? And they're like, well, you know,

we haven't complimented Donald James Parker and he's just off camera about to explode from the lack of attention. So yes, let's talk about him more. And of course, this is where Doris Warren's Julie that Donald James Parker is probably moving a little fast because he's almost dead years old. Right.

This whole bit is just astonishing because Julie's saying, well, you know, we went to church, he's going to go to church on Wednesday and then we're going to go for food on Friday. And Dora says, oh, a double header then. So that's not a double header because you go to church one day and then food two days later. In what world is that just two days? And one of those dates is church. It's not even a day.

Right. No, it's a header and a half on different dates. Exactly. But I thought, oh, this is, that's too quick for Doris because for them, church is like practically first base and therefore dinner is the equivalent of hand stuff. And I think that's why this is old one too fast for her. The anti-Kara, yeah. So then we cut to Jackson's backyard for some Bible study and we get the, like of all the moments that I had in this movie where I'm like, ah, and Marsh has to watch this.

This might have been my favorite, right? He goes, what part of the Bible would you like to read? And she says, Sons 91. He says, why did you pick that one? And she says, have you ever watched It's Supernatural with Sid Fox? Fuck, Yeah. I do not think you know.

That's a non-zero percentage of our scathing content. Fuck yeah. This is true. This is like if we were watching a movie and Carl the Pug of Pegacorn on screen, yes, Tony D. And they were just like, yeah, no worries about it too. It's they have no idea. Sid Roth, she says, well, you know,

Sid Roth says, if you pray this prayer every day, then nothing bad will happen to you. And I'm like, well, I bet your dead husband wishes you'd got that shit going earlier. And she raised him with him because he's meant to be the scientist. He's all like an assurance. Oh, cause, and that's very scientific and

In talking about he says well, you know, I'm sure it would be fascinating if we talked about that, but we aren't going to The writer knows nothing about anything at all specifically not anything real and so this would not go well Yeah, so yeah, and then we cut to Donald James Parker and Julie They're also reading the Bible together and that that turns into like a year long dating montage, both in the sense that like we're trying to time jump a year and that it takes us a year to get through this goddamn montage, right? Oh, it's so bad.

It's the entire song. At one point the song comes on and the song is so bad that I genuinely had to turn the volume down in case my neighbors heard it and thought I was into it. So I was like, okay, I can't justify this. I've got to turn it down. But they play Frisbees. They play Frisbee fishing.

There's a 45 second shot of them fishing for one bit of it. 45 seconds long of just them fishing. Jesus, the song went on so fucking long that just as I'm like, oh good, he seems to be wrapping it up, another voice came on and it became a duet and I'm like Another singer in this song it's not illegal to have I just want to point out in this montage they do four different frisbee tosses and they miss three of them What so he keeps doing these dick fucking throws that are way the hell up.

He wants to show off that he can throw a Frisbee under his leg or behind his back or whatever. But every throw, like she would have to dive for it and she misses it every fucking time. I'm like, just throw the Frisbee regular, you fucking asshole. Because he's doing a trick fucking for us. I mean, look, I don't want to compare this

to certain members of the podcast who may or may not be here right now. But I'm just saying, I feel like if we were to interview certain member of Puzzle on a Thunderstorm, LLC's fiance, is about how hard said spouse through a frisbee the first time they decided to toss one around. They were romantic frisbee in the park. There would be a parkerian comparison being made. That's on site. It's on site. I don't want to speak out of turn. I was just watching and thinking I really want this montage. The Frisbee seem to be the same except we see the catches, not the throws.

And they're just throwing themselves, like diving around and I'm like, roll around in the grass. It's flashed with mud. So also there's a bunch of biking in this montage too. And I only point that out because there's this one point where he's like kind of trying to wave for on like, no, no, you know, you know,

you're not gonna be able to do that. You're not gonna be able to do that. You're not gonna be able to do that. Washed with mud. So also there's a bunch of biking in this montage too. And I only point that out because there's this one point where he's like kind of trying to wave for Ron, like, no, no, you bike ahead of me. But he almost face plants because he's trying to do that. He's trying to look behind himself one hand and he's like, oh, shit. So that was kind of fun.

Also, we see Christmas and he's like, for one thing, like he's using a Santa puppet to delight her at Christmas. And I think that's because he still like to compare her to his granddaughter, the only woman that he's got in his life. So that's him like trying to delight her. Eventually she's like, yeah, stop with the fucking puppets. And I think it's not pleasurable. We watch exchange Valentine's stuff, right? It's been a whole year. See him slowly read out the entire Valentine's card out loud, but under the music. So we can't hear what he's saying, but we do see him reading it out. And it's so, it's like a minute of him reading the essay that she's written in this Valentine's card,

but we don't get to see what it is because the music's like loudly singing over the top in that duet. Oh, God, it's nuts. And the second to last scene in this montage, they're riding bikes and he goes to try to hold her hand while they're riding. And she's like, no, I would fall. I would fucking fall. And she won't do it. It's the best. And then we end with a still shot of her smiling. That's the final scene. And I'll say she is lovely. So the montage, like Heath wasn't here to compliment her. I thought it, you

know, so the montage ends with the two of them, they're on this bench. Now this is this fucking scene you've all been waiting for. Well, every scene from here on out is the scene you've been waiting for, but this is the first of them. Yeah. So he's like, you know, well, you know,

we've been seeing each other for almost a year, huh? And she's like, yes, that is what we established with that Mont montage just now. She says like, yeah, it's 11 months, eight days and so many hours or something. So it's literally almost a year. She's like, you could've not as mathematically as close to a year as you wanted to get.

I wrote in my notes, oh no, she's gonna hang herself and carve her name on the beam. Oh. Yeah, but he needs to have a serious conversation here. He's like, you know, I've been really patient in the year that we've been dating. And then I'm like, oh, he's going to ask for mouth stuff, isn't he? Right? Yeah. Okay. I'm just glad to see that we were unified as a podcast and being like, if Donald James Parker talks about how this young woman needs to put out right now, I get to turn

this movie off as like a hell-passing. Like Osha says, I get to turn this movie off as like a hell passing. Like Osha says, I get to turn this movie off before he unveils his wrinkly balls. Yeah, so he says, he says, look, I'm not going to propose to you all fancy or anything. And I'm like, oh, yes, the ladies love that when you refuse to be all fancy about it. Yeah, he says, I want to dialogue about marriage. And I wrote, what every little girl dreams of. Yeah, he says it up with like kicking the tires. We need to be kicking the tires about marriage. And she says, that sounds fair enough.

And those are the words that every guy dreams about one day hearing. That sounds fair enough. Got a proposal that's more akin to a used vehicle purchase. Finally. And I was wondering if the tire kicking process involved like narrow road tires or some of the wide like hybrid ones. That we watched them talk about for 10 solid fucking minutes earlier. Yeah. So yeah. So basically he says, do you want to ask me to ask you to marry me? I'm like, Jesus, Heath. Fuck. Just for real. Say your fucking piece.

And she's, and he says, you know, we've been really disciplined in the area of sex, but we at least need to talk about it. And she says, right. Yeah. Wow. This, this is almost as intense as that time you gave me a compliment that I looked like your granddaughter. Should we go get a hotel room by the highway? Yeah.

You can spatter the walls with a jack-o-lantern. But then he remembers his dark secret, the Jezebel incident, and he realizes that he's never told her about it. So he's like, hey, actually, I have some very serious stuff to talk to you about. I once, several months before we met, had sex with a woman. Yes.

She is wrecked by this news. Destroyed by the thought of him having consensual sex with another person. Right. Which I mean, we're all destroyed by that forward, but she's destroyed for different reasons. Two of us. Two of us. Ha ha ha ha ha. Maybe that's why the performance was so good is that. destroyed by that fold, but she's destroyed for a different reason. Two of us.

Maybe that's why the performance was so good is that before the scene he was like, and I want you to know this is real. Someone really let me lie on top of him and she was like, ah! Yeah, right, right. It's her Kubrickian ice block. But it's crazy, right? Because does she really, she does know he was married previously. She must assume he and his wife probably also had sex.

He has a granddaughter. Yeah, that's only- He's got a granddaughter, you're right. He keeps bringing it up. Weirdly whenever he's like talking about sex, he keeps bringing the granddaughter back up, yeah. Yeah, but she cries at his lack of chastity and this is where she says, and I quote,

have you been tested for STDs, especially AIDS? Why especially? They don't, I don't think they especially test you for a particular one. It's like she'd be fine if it was just her piece, but if it's AIDS, she's out. Yeah. Mr. Parker, thanks for coming in.

Of course, we'll do a standard STD test, but I want to know, did you get down and dirty like like a real dog because then we'll test you for AIDS as well Test me for all of the sexually transmitted diseases, but check check check the AIDS two or three Take sick vials and test them all Different days of the week that one okay look I want to explain the journey that I went through in watching that because she says that and I laughed loud for a while And then I thought the movie was gonna move on so I pressed play again But then she just kept talking about AIDS

So I would keep laughing and pausing the movie and then calming down and then I would start the movie And she would say AIDS again, and then I would laugh and have to pause the movie I made it through this eight minute sequence in like 45 minutes. Every time I restarted it, she would say a different somehow more spectacularly insane thing about AIDS. And then this goes on for the next 10 minutes of the fucking movie. It's amazing. She says like she basically I think even explicitly says, well, if you do have AIDS, I won't marry you. And she's made to be the good person here. That's the. She says, like, she basically, I think even explicitly says, well, if you do have AIDS, I won't marry you. And she's made to be the good person here.

That's the, oh, yes, that's a very moral thing. But imagine if she had that kind of conditional for any other kind of health issue. Like, look, if you have arthritis, I'm not going to marry you. You should have thought about that before all of the cycling. Donald James Parker. Yeah. Yeah, she makes it very clear that if he's got the AIDS, this relationship is over. I'm like, what an insane thing to include in your fucking movie.

She leaves, she's like, let me know when you find out if you have the AIDS and then she... AIDS. And she says it's his fault for not telling her about the affair that he had before he met her. She says it's an affair. CAUSE IT'S AN AFFAIR! You should have told me about the affair earlier. It's not an affair, it's a relationship before you even knew each other, before you knew either each other existed. It's not an affair. It's a relationship before you even knew each other, before you knew either each other existed.

It's not an affair. Sounds like Monaghani to me. I don't know. So we got back at his house, the granddaughter, Madison comes across him. He's crying in the living room and she's like, hey, what's wrong? And he's like, I probably blew it with Julie.

And she's like, well, you know, don't forget that like, I probably blew it with, with Julie. And she's like, well, you know, don't forget that the future lies in God's hands, not Julie's. And she's like, and he's like, you know what's useless when you're actually upset is fucking religion. And then they get into like the technicalities of his aides. Again, there's no reason for him to believe that he has AIDS. And she's like, well, I mean, you know, as long as she never made, you know, contact with open source with your blood. And I suppose there's, you know, this kind of thing and the dynamics of where you would sleep.

And it's like, he had sex with a lady in Minnesota. Once. Once. Yeah. So we, we, we cut over to Julian Doris commiserating overall his whoring and wondering what to do if he has the AIDS as well. I thought that was just going to be a funny fucking thing they said in the one. But the rest of the movie is now about whether or not he has AIDS, as though the odds of it are very, very high.

Which they're absolutely not, yes. And in this scene, Doris suggests that she get AIDS on purpose so that they could have sex. Okay, I don't think that's what she suggests. I think Doris is suggesting that they have like a celibate relationship. It's just like, marry him, but you can still marry him, but like, even if he has AIDS. But the thing is, before that, Julia said, well, you know, if it's negative, I've got an agonizing decision to make. So, what, if it's negative, so like, if it's positive

and he does have AIDS, then this decision's made. It's not a difficult one, but if it's negative, if he doesn't have AIDS, you've got a difficult decision to make. Yeah. Why? She definitely, I want to stand my ground and say the door is definitely suggest that Julie gets AIDS. I look, I got, I was lied to about how many people

a robot shot in last month's bonus episode. And I'm traumatized from that gaslighting. And I just want to, I want to stand my ground right here and now and say, you're wrong, Mark. You're wrong. Doors tells Julie to get eighths. The next joke I'm going to have is going to make it even worse where you're like, because she says,

do you love Donald James Parker enough to live without sex? And I'm like, you've been living without sex with him for a year now. Well, obviously you do and then she's like Well, I don't think so and I and she's like well, you know I saw a movie one time where somebody married somebody even though they had the AIDS Fucking Julie says well in movies you can fly faster than the speed and fucking bullet You loving someone with AIDS. What the fuck are you?

Do you hear yourself right now? You sound like an idiot right now, Torrance. We really have to point out. I know all of the listeners know this, but like these days with very commonplace medications, sex with someone who has AIDS, doesn't mean you will get AIDS. Your undetectable is untransmitable

as long as you take precautions. And they're, their viral Lord is Lord because it's kept down by the medication. The chance is actually pretty decent that you won't. And that's kind of like one of the medical miracles of modern AIDS treatment and stuff that clearly this movie has no idea about and has never heard about. To this movie AIDS is the death sentence that it was in the 1980s and it's not moved on since then. And also it's like a one in three shot every time you have sex with someone. Yeah. Yes. And which is why it is the official position of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC, including

Marsh, that you do not need to wear a condom when you have anonymous sex. Thank you, Marsh. Now, I have to point out to the listeners that at this point in the movie, I'm like Eli, I'm making it through this movie 12 seconds at a time. I'm dying 11. I messaged Eli. I just said, I got to the AIDS. And the next message I sent him was,

I can't tell if I'm misspelling this. I cannot see through the tears. So I'm in that position. So I had already like used all my Kleenex, blowing my nose and wiping my eyes from laughing at the AIDS stuff already. So I'm opening another box of tissue. And my wife walks in, and I'm just,

I'm like, my entire face is just covered in a glaze of tears, I can't catch my breath. I was literally thinking right before she walked in, how hard can I laugh before I have to call the fucking cardiologist and really worry about this shit. And she walks in and I'm trying to tell her what's happening and I just keep going, there's so much AIDS. So much AIDS. Just stick around, they're gonna say AIDS again. There's so much AIDS, but also there's almost, there is no chance there is any AIDS.

Right, but there's also no AIDS. I also love that at this point, not one person has thought to check whether Jezebel or Bell even has AIDS. No one's like, oh, I should probably call her because if I'm getting an AIDS test, I should just give her a check. Like a call to say, hey, maybe you want to as well, or maybe you could confirm that you don't have AIDS and like, we'll be all right from here. But yeah, she doesn't matter. It's not important. It's all about Donald J. Barger. No. No. So, okay. Then we cut to Jackson and Donald James Parker at his place, awaiting the AIDS results. Right, Jackson's like, how long is it going to take yet? He's as well.

It'll take about one to two weeks to get the results. I'm like, that's vague. It's awesome. No, the amount of things that think about the amount of things Donald James Parker had to not Google, not just not refused to Google, waiting one to two weeks for his AIDS results to arrive by mail. Yes, yes, right. They're just going to mail them to him. He goes, you know, he says, so Jackson, you want to go out and fish? And Jackson has to go like, well, not if you have AIDS. I don't want to stay next to you. Obviously not. What they suggest is even crazier.

So, well, you know, I've got an idea to take your mind off your health anxiety. Do you want to help me find the natural cure for cancer? They don't want you to know about. That's like where the movie goes from there. He says, well, you know, we could research natural cures for cancer together. I bet you'd love that.

And Donald James Burke is like, oh, that's actually a great idea. Jackson, let's do that. These responses, well, you said you wanted to go after the cancer thing. And of course, in my notes, I just wrote, welcome to the Gramservverse, Marsh. Welcome to the Gramservverse. So yeah. And then he laments all of the suffering and misery it caused him having that sex outside of wedlock that time, right? Yeah. He laments all the consequences. I think you've got no consequences. You had sex and now you've imagined yourself into AIDS that you obviously do not have.

I have AIDS. So then we come back to Julie. She's meeting up with Madison to talk about Gramps's pre-AIDS, I guess. Madison. So it turns out she knows Madison as well. It's the first time they've been on camera together. Why is she there? It's certainly not the pastor back there. It's here either because they'll go straight into what about the guy? Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

She's grieving like he's dead as well. Yeah. She's like, oh, it's, she's heartbroken, but he's not dead well. Yeah. She's like, oh, it's she's heartbroken, but he's he's not dead. He doesn't even have a no. He's not grieving about the fact that he had sex with someone before she even knew him. And I am losing my mind watching her do. So fucking weird. Everybody on Facebook tells you you're the weirdo. I get it.

OK, but this is also where Madison suggests something really controversial because it's just a throwaway line and they do sort of at it but at Madison is like, hey, do you think God who is omnipotent and omniscient would heal grandpa's aides and they're like, yeah, maybe. Yeah, fucking Julie says, Julie says, I, and I quote, I hadn't even considered that good point. And I'm like, divine AIDS reversal, is that a good point? Is it? But also, like, how would you not thought of it? It is literally your entire thing is that God does everything and can do everything. How did it not cross your mind that your God could do that when that's what you definitely believe?

He invented AIDS. Yeah, if anybody can. Yeah. And she said, oh, I just can't bear to think of him suffering. He's like, he isn't suffering. He doesn't even know what has AIDS. He obviously has AIDS. But then I did write, OK, if this movie ends with him finding out he does have AIDS, I'm back on board.

And it's not that many movies I can say that about. But this one is true. Oh, my God. I will say, Donald James Parker, eight movies in the whole. But if he was just has AIDS and she's like, you son of a bitch and slaps him and that's the end of the movie. Come on. We're watching this every year at Christmas.

Fuck yeah. So yeah, but she's like, but Julie decides she can't. She just can't not call him. So she calls Donald James Parker and I still know news on the AIDS But she suggests that maybe they can wait on the AIDS results together So they decide to meet at the park together at 3 p.m. Is that what she said to him? Well, you know absence makes the heart grow fonder and I wrote yeah, I'm realizing just how much I love plots Right yeah, so okay So he comes in with his mail and this is again

This is a throwaway scene except for the fact that he shows us his mail in this. Right. Yeah. So, okay. So he comes in with his mail. And this is again, this is a throwaway scene, except for the fact that he shows us his mail in this scene. And it is his mail, his actual mail. That's how meticulous the filmmaker Donald Parker is. The letters he shows are to Donald J. Parker. And not just to him, but it's addressed to him at his home address, which is not blurred. He just doxxes himself on the front of his letters. Real doxxing. And I looked him up on Google Maps and there's a picture of his house in the notes.

There is. For us to look at. Podcast listener. He's got a lovely yard he's got there. Marsh has included a picture of Donald James Parker's house in our notes and we can't share it with you because we don't want to dox him. But I take back everything mean I've ever said about him.

It is. This is like a get back on your feet house. You know what I'm saying? This is like a, hey, buddy. So the center said, you're just free and clear, right? I thought you'd check in with the parole officer. Also, just to throw this out there, title James Parker uses the same financial planning firm as us.

And I felt bad about it. I was like, so did I. Well, fuck. I feel like any decision that I have made that Donald James Parker has also made, I now feel is a bad one. Right, yeah, exactly. We really got to get everybody out of the way. Why are you taking Donald's money too?

What kind of sucker am I? Try to break up with me. So, but he does find in the mail he has his AIDS results. So rather than look at them, he just slips them in his back pocket to go to the park to meet with Julie. His back pocket, that is the craziest pocket to put something absolutely vitally important in. That's the kind of the sit on it and squish it kind of pocket.

Put it somewhere safe. Look, I'll admit I'm kind of the romantic of the podcast and there's nothing more romantic than letting your lady love find out if you have a. It's so fucking weird, because when he gets to the park with her, she's like, oh, you got the results. He's like, yeah, I wanted you to read them. And I'm like, so you want to give her the responsibility of telling you you have AIDS? If you do. What?

But yeah, but she says, hey, look, before we even see these results, I want you to know that I do want to marry you. And he's like, well, now I don't want to marry you if I have AIDS. Right? I wanted her to have gone out and got AIDS as well, so that they're like, it's fine. Oh my God, a montage of her just sharing needles, having anonymous anal sex in bath houses. Sort of like a Romeo and Juliet ending.

Which is less of an effective eighth than a lot of historical narratives would have you believe, everybody. No connies. Puzzle on a Thunderbolt. And also Marsh. So yeah, so he has her the envelope. She opens it, the music swells, and as she reads, she starts weeping uncontrollably. And we're like, oh my God, did they give him fucking AIDS?

I'm chanting AIDS at this point. I'm in isolation with COVID and I'm going, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS. Anna's like, do you need something? I'm like, no, I'm chanting for Donald James Parker to get AIDS. And she was like, again. And I was like, you know, that's just right. Why not to block capital? Please's right. Right. Right. My not to block capitalists, please have it. Please have it. Please have it.

Yeah, right. Right. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. And so she opens the envelope and she reads it. She cries and she says, you know what? I want to marry you anyway. He goes, what do you mean anyway? It's so long that she doesn't give him a specific answer to what the goddamn envelope says. I thought I was hoping this was shenanigans. I hope and this was like she was doing the slow rolling thing of like, oh, I'm so sorry to tell you that you don't have AIDS. Yeah, right. Right.

But she's not. According to the envelope, he does have AIDS. But then he looks at it and he goes, they've set the wrong results. That's not my blood type. Yeah. And this is such a serious violation of patient confidentiality. This is several losses. There's a person out there who has AIDS, who now thinks they don't have AIDS. Right. Yes.

Just texting the group chat. Everybody come over and help yourself to my ass. Yeah. Right. Right. So yeah, he's she's like, well, you better call the doctor and find out. And he's like, oh, I don't have doctor and find out. He's like, oh, I don't have the doctor's number on me. Why not? Right? You think you've got AIDS? Why don't you just save the doctor's number in your phone? Also, you could just look at the history you called him before. Yeah. Or you could look it up online. There's so many ways that don't involve driving back to your house and establishing a different fucking scene.

Yeah. I mean, to be fair to the doctor, he is the first person to request his age results by mail in 35 years. No, that's true. Yeah, actually. So they were probably really thrown. And there's one line as well. We just have to, we skipped over, but only because this is where she does actually propose to him anyway. And what she says is, I propose a proposal of marriage. Yes. Because that's such an awkward line and even more awkward that she stole it from Heath.

Yeah, so they go back to his house. He calls the doctor and the doctor's like, yeah, we'll call you back. And I'm like, oh my God, what the fuck is this thing doing? Why are we here? They start talking about finances. They're like, well, do you still want to kick the tires? What are we going to do? We both own the houses. So how are we going to sort that? I really wanted them to have a violent disagreement over finances and that would be the deal.

And that breaks them all up. That would be awesome. I'm glad you've got it. A Roth IRA, you stupid bitch. Where are you doing your taxes in 2002? Get the fuck out of my house. Yeah, but instead it's like, well, you know, we both own our property outright because we

proceed the kind of property price inflation that's crippled following generations and condemned them to a lower standard of living than us. So, you know, that's pretty neat for us. Yeah. It works out well on ours. She says we could sell my house and put the money into our savings account. I'm like, what? Of course he does.

I guarantee you, Donald James Parker has whatever he sold his house for just sitting in his savings account, losing value like a fucking NFT. Well, no, because it wouldn't all fit under the mattress. They said I asked for it and we invested in gold many years ago. It turns out $500 bills. That's just a monopoly thing.

They won't even give you those things. Back to ride gold IRAs from a public square. I've got most of my money in seeds actually. And cats even said that in heaven, there's a special house for me. I watch. All right. So now it's later. Madison's there. They're all waiting for the call about the AIDS.

So they get the call about the AIDS. Yes. He literally says, they might not call. And then the phone immediately rings. Like, he doesn't get the word out. Yeah. Never mind the calls. So we get it. His side of the conversation. He Yeah. Never mind. They called. So we get his side of the conversation. He's like, okay.

All right. Apology accepted. It's just such a weird way to find out you don't have AIDS. It says you don't have AIDS. Apology accepted. Yeah. Right. Well, and then, but now he wants to slow play Madison and Julie, right?

He gets up and they're like, well, what was the answer? And I'm like, what was the answer? What could the, they clearly didn't just tell the man he has AIDS and then he said, apology accepted. What the fuck do you think happened? Unless he was like, I'm sorry to tell you you've got AIDS. You have AIDS. Whoa, he accepted.

Click. Now I really want to do some AIDS based shenanigans. Right, yeah. Do you know anyone in Manchester who has AIDS? I have a great prank for QED this year. I feel like I really know the town now. And apparently not only did he pass his AIDS test, but he passed with flying colors. He goes, I don't have any sexually transmitted diseases.

So. Braggie. Just boasting that to his granddaughter. Yeah. What a family moment. Oh, good, Grandpa. I was worried that you had the crabs. I really wanted Doris to be like asshole. Except for a lot of people have some form of herpes.

So, yeah. And Madison says, oh, good. I want to give you guys a hug. And he says, well, you better, because you need to love your new grandmother. And that's how he tells her that they're gonna get married. That's how he tells Julie that they're gonna get married too, I guess, apparently.

Now, to be clear, that should be the end of the movie. It's not, right? That should be where the freeze frame is. Instead, Julie then goes, hey, here's a problem with the heaven vision that all Christians have. You and my husband are both going to be in heaven. Are you guys just plugging up holes like a pair of plumbers? Or how the fuck would we handle that in our stupid imagination world? And he's like, you don't have to stop loving your dead husband.

You just have to love us equally. And that's the fucking freeze frame. It's such a weird bit, right? Because like, after the movie should end, Madison leaves, she goes off to school. They have this weird theological conversation. He points out that Doris is no longer her best friend because he gets to rank himself above Doris now. Actually, he's moved Doris down the rankings. And this not how adults talk no adults have ever spoken this way These are like aliens pretending to be humans. These are the text. I said marshal foreign Best friends and what would happen in their order if one of them died And then the final line of the movie Donald James Parker turns to Julie a says and I quote

Donald James Parker turns to Julie and he says and I quote and now I think it's time we invite the Holy Spirit to reside in our new household and the movie fucking yeah all right well Marsh thank you for sitting through the unique insanity that is the Donald James Parker filmography with us man yeah this was next phase they say you think you never forget your the Donald James Parker filmography with us, man. Yeah, this was next period. They say you never forget your first Donald James Parker film. Yes. I never will. As you'll always say with me. No, no. And next time you're on a movie podcast, especially if it's not ours, warn them that you might have AIDS as a result. All right. Well, that's going to do it. I guess for our review of Best Friends Recycle,

but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to lure you back in next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. A tenacious nurse who helps people who have reached the end of their lives come to terms with God and heaven is assigned an unexpected patient from the creators of a box of faith and before all others comes this faith family drama slice of life. That's the IMDB description. Yeah. We'll be watching A Time for Heaven.

Oh, damn it. Lucky us, I guess. So with that, to let's say look forward to, we're gonna bring episode 442 to Immersible Close. Once again, a huge thanks to Michael Marshall for all his help. Be sure to check the show notes for links to his other shows and perhaps even a huge thanks

to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among the ranks, you can make a per episode donation to patreon.com.com. Slash Godcom. And thereby earn only access to an ad-free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. If you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the Skating Adidas, Citation Adidas, D&D Minus, and The Skeptocrat, available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email godoffelmoviesatgmail.com. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan

Slatman, a book of address on Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clarkham was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check of your life this week for Heathen Wright and Eli Bosnick. I'm no elitist, promise to work hard to earn another check next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the breakfast club clothes. Marsh never did find out in what way these best friends were recycled. did find out in what way these best friends were recycled. Madison went on to get kicked out of college for watching a PG-13 movie. There's still another movie in this trilogy, and it does, in fact, get crazier. All right.

Contoured pouch and ball caddy. I will say with this straight face. I promise this copy was their idea. Well, not anymore. This Valentine's Day, me and these can help you look huge with their contoured. They're copying on my no illusions. I did not write this and not write these words. This Valentine's Day me and he don't want anybody to have to think about his package. Okay.

I'm sorry for comfort from the outside in in. No, the pouch goes inside your dick hole. Oh, I see. It's it's really like a Lovecraftian horror down there. Yeah, really? I'm not really sure what a bowl caddy is, other than like a guy who follows you around and selects which bowl he is. That's what I thought. Yeah, exactly. We're going to go with the left one this time, boss. It's way more... It's the one that makes boys.

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