God Awful Movies - 443: A Time For Heaven

Episode Date: February 13, 2024

We're joined by DOCTOR Cara Santa Maria for a review of the death with indignity Christian movie called A Time For Heaven. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. --- Hear more from Cara: https://www.carasantamaria.com/podcast --- Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts --- All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

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fucking weird soup. Do you want a sandwich too? This is like a weird callback because at the beginning he's like, I forged some wild mushrooms and she's like, ew, and he's like, oh, okay, nevermind. And so then he took her soup and he's like, don't worry, there's no mushrooms in it. Tried that once, couldn't figure it out. Couldn't figure it out, almost died. Pretty much poisoned myself right there.

A mushroom exploded in my face. I met Jesus, that was my other. I met Jesus. That was my other. I met Jesus. He was like, I'm not talking to you this time, man. I already gave you the message I had for you. Movies. Movies. Welcome back to God-Awful Movies.

For each week, we watch another terrible movie so you don't have to. I'm your host teeth and right and I'm joined by the Eli Bosnik Eli. How's it going buddy? I'm amazing. He thank you so much excited to be here excited to talk about this awful movie. Interesting. I'm guessing we're not gonna get the same enthusiasm. We also have veteran masochist Cara Santa Maria Cara. Welcome back. Are you excited too? I feel like there's a pattern that's emerging. Yeah, it's just getting more and more personal. Like the next movie we bring you into review is just going to be like unattractive shots. We had TMZ photographer's take of your parents. Yeah, that would have been better than this movie. It's probably yeah. Yeah, it's pretty rough. So Kara tell us what movie are we gonna be breaking down today?

Okay, so it's called a time for heaven you see because there's only so much time to get to heaven And also your kids are adopted and you're a white nationalist, but an atheist, which is weird combo. And your Christian daughter happens to be your hospice nurse. I think I just spoiled the whole movie. So do we have to talk about it now or can I just go back to bed? No, no, spoiling the movie doesn't get you out of it guys. We've driven. Yeah, I actually ran that play a few times early on. And we ended up having to do the whole movie. All right, Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love old man gets right with God movies,

but you wish they involved more blatant violations of patient rights and wishes you will love this movie. This is like lethal weapon. The hospice nurses like riggs, you son of a gun. Oh, it's so bad all right so Kara you're gonna explain to us where they got it mostly right but maybe a couple of flaws in terms of 99 yeah obviously cool and is there anything they all would like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at best worst South African accent. Oh It's selective. It's so it's real selective. So and I think I figured out why so the main character who's a hospice nurse

She I looked her up and she's British. So they're trying to cover that her American accent isn't great Oh, so they're like, I know she studied in South Africa Oh, so they're like, I know she studied in South Africa. Okay. At one point she like forgot to do American and she did British for a sentence. And then remember now it was like British hold on. And then they explained that she's South African. I was like, all right. You're like, no, they're covering South African. The South African accent is British person who occasionally forgets to talk American.

According to them. Alright. I was going to go with best worst comedy relief character. Fuck yeah. And I think that's what the movie was going for. The movie's like, alright, well, it's a hospice movie. We should probably lighten it up with some wacky comedy and they landed on stalker. Comedy.

Psychosexual stalker. Well, also like they landed on special needs stalker. They okayed. Thank you. We are gonna take in on that. Yeah, I can't not. It was blatant. Thank you. No, cause I heard it too.

And I was like, this guy is doing a voice. And no one else had it in their notes until you put your notes in, Kara. So I feel validated. Thank you. I don't hear voices. Oh, I see. Your voice blind. Yeah. And I'm going to go with best, best, he's cranky introduction, right?

Because look, we know the target audience of this movie and it's the piece of shit who this movie is about, right? And these people all have this same fantasy that like people behind their back say, you know, he's Ornery, but he's got a heart of gold. And they don't. They just talk about what a massive piece of shit you are. And I'm not going to spoil it. But the way they decide to introduce this character as Ornery,

I spend the rest of the movie talking about in my notes even though no one will ever mention it again. Yeah, they really dig a deep hole that they have to crawl out to try to redeem this character. They don't. They don't. They're just living. They're walking around the hole being like not in a hole right now. So many things outside of this hole I'm seeing and doing. It's like the deepest hole. We'll get there. Before we do that though, we're going to take a quick break and then we'll be back to tell you all about a time for heaven. Cara, Cara, thanks so much for coming in. Hey, Christian movie writer guys, can't believe you hired me again.

Because you tried to drown me in the toilet at the end of our last meeting. Water under the bridge. Or down the toilet, if you will, right? Yeah. Sure. So how can I help? Well, we're making a movie that's kind of sorta in your area of expertise.

It's about a hospice nurse who helps people at the end of their life. Okay, I mean, some of my patients have been, you know, dealing with it. We get it, you're an expert. You are indeed an expert. Anyway, in the movie, her main goal is to save her patients' souls.

Okay, that's wildly unethical. But then the PI she hired to find her patients' kids without permission tells her that she's his daughter. So not just unethical, but illegal. So anyway, she finds her brother and together they save him and they come together as a family. Right guys, so here's the thing. End of life care is pretty rife with theocrats and bigots

who make the process of dying a pressure filled nightmare for both loved ones and patients. So if you could like not make a movie promoting that behavior, that would be great. Yeah, we're still gonna do it. And before you respond, I did empty the toilets in the building before you came. Do the sinks still work? Mitch, run! I'll hold her off.

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Do we though? You're right, probably not. And we're back. And we're going to start off with a hospice worker taking an old guy for a ride. And we know he's dying because there's an ace bandage on his head. Yep. To like, I don't know, hold in the brain cancer or whatever he's got. Yeah. No, that's important. That works with with safety pins. Like they don't have the Velcro once it's a safety pin. Yeah. This is how I picture doctoring works. They very clearly went to the E. Leibosnik school of medical knowledge for the scene.

I also want to point out this is very impressive because this is a call forward to a flashback to a scene that will never happen, right? Oh, right, yeah. Yes, thank you. They never get back to this. Yeah, it never comes back and it never makes it into the movie. We have no indication this scene ever happens. We just flashback and then it doesn't happen. Yeah, they give us a cold open of this and they're like eight days ago and,

you know, normal movies work their way back to that thing over eight days they do not do this they just forgot that was their open well because also what is the open like nothing is happening in these eight days so there's nothing to come back to she's just like there yep makes no sense but then we get eight days ago, this old man being diagnosed with the movie cancer by a nurse. Was it even cancer? I feel like he was just diagnosed with death. Yeah.

Yeah, he was there. Right. In my head, it's just like, you know, synodinitis, movie, whatever. Person dying, itis. Yeah. What care his patients have. Now, my question is, this is a. Person dying,itis. Yeah. What, what carous patients have? Now, my question is, this is a different old guy, right? They needed to establish that she's a hospice nurse with a different dying old guy.

Apparently, because it's not enough later when she's like, oh, time of death, 11. Oh, time of death, Tuesday. Oh, time of death, Friday. It's interesting because she doesn't, apparently, we're going to discover this later. She apparently doesn't write it down, she just fucking raw dogs it on the phone later with someone. Yeah.

We'll get to the scene when it happens, but it's very upsetting. It's very upsetting. Cast the whole movie in a light. Right, so it's established that this is a hospice nurse and then she's back home and she's having some flashbacks to like sad moments of that job, I guess. Yeah, you know that she's a nurse because she has a stethoscope around her neck and it's very heavy. It's giving her a headache. It's quite the burden in this stethoscope.

The movie has trouble with the concept of that device. We'll get to that at some point. Okay. And hey, I'm going to spoil it for you podcast listener now. It's time for wacky shenanigans You ready for the wacky shenanigans her power goes out. She goes to check on it and her gates unlocked Weird so her power goes out except for all the other lights in her house that are still on yeah house that are still on. Yeah. Did you guys notice that? Her back gate power is out. There's like the kitchen lights go out but there's still like an under counter light that's on and the whole light has not been affected either. She's got a generator that connects to some of her stuff but not a couple of the lights and apparently her front gate connects to some of the power too and turns it off for scary stuff. I don't know.

It was a weird bit. It was like the movie decided to do a horror movie for a second. And then they're like, no, no, no, no, that'd be too. No, no. The editor is just leafing through all the footage going, maybe there's a horror movie. No, it's fine. We'll go Christian. We'll go Christian.

All right. So now she heads to work where her boss is gonna tell her about her new case. And this is my best worse. She informs her that her new case is a class one horrible. Now, Kara, if you can't disclose this, it's fine, but is that a category that you use as a dead people dentist?

A class one horrible, a class two horrible? Yeah, how many classes of horrible are? Oh, this is so stupid. Well, apparently... Are the classes in the descriptive word, right? The classes are one, two, three, but then you add the descriptive words depending on the patient. If you didn't know in the book that tells you these things, class one horrible means he uses the N-word. Sure does.

Okay, thank you. According to this movie... The example they have for this old man character, who I cannot emphasize enough, will be the person who goes through a redemption arc in the movie. The first thing we learn about him is that he called a Hispanic nurse the N-word and she quit. Yup. It's so weird.

That's just the whole exchange is weird because so the black boss tells the white hospice nurse, he's a class one horrible. He called so and so the N word. And instead of the white hospice nurse being like, oh, that's fucked up. She goes, but she's Hispanic. Like, she's an accurate. I don't understand the internal consensus.

That's why you took away from that information? Yup. That she like used the wrong, that the guy used the wrong slur. That's what you took away from that information? Yup. Did she like use the wrong, that the guy used the wrong slur? That's the important thing right now? Yeah. And so then the bosses of course, like this is why I'm choosing you because your racism is a good fit for this guy.

You're also racist, yeah. The fact that I, I've asked everyone in here, I've told them the same thing. You're the only person to go, that's the wrong slur. I would have used this one. The job is he. Yes. Yes.

And then of course, before she leaves, she says, Hey, Julie, I know you love to go above and beyond for their spiritual needs, but you know, don't try to change the religion of your dying patients, you rascal. So now we're going to cut over, what's this guy's name? To an American flag, his name's Ron and he has an American flag. That's what we cut to, an aggressive American flag. Yeah, we cut to Ron's incredibly ugly

American flag bedroom and the first thing I wrote in my notes is no, you're telling me this guy who has an American flag taking up seven eighths of his bedroom wall is racist? Listen, there's another flag or two that we're not seeing on different walls that they had to shoot around hundred percent Yeah, mm-hmm, but he wakes up and so now we're gonna watch my I almost went with this for my best worst best worst Bedside manner. Well, yeah, she's just gonna straight up tell this guy It's everything about the scene is so odd.

She's like, he gonna be grumpy. Let's test that theory. And then like opens up his blinds so aggressively and blinds him with the light. And he's like, what the fuck? And she's like, look, see grumpy. Yeah, okay. Counterpoint, if this whole movie had just been her torturing a racist in his final day,

it's just being like, oh, glass of water. Yeah, no, it's right here on top of this copy of the new Jim Crow. If you could just read that first, I'll get you the water. She's got it on her string, just pulling it away, just a little bit. Yeah, this is like everything about the scene is stupid. She acts like, okay, they set this up like nobody told this guy that he's dying. Like he's for some reason at home, actively receiving in-home hospice care, but nobody told him. That's not how hospice works.

You have to sign up for hospice. Of course, but they don't trick the patients ever and be like, no, we're just rehabbing that me. No, you did it, buddy. You win. Here's your gold medal and get the fuck out. Yeah, that's what they do But here's what's amazing right because this movie is written by a stupid old person And if you've ever talked to a stupid old person about their health, right? They come home from the incredible magical science that saved their life and they go science that saved their life and they go damn doctor let the hospital don't know nothing tell me nothing they said nothing and of course that's not what happened your grandma wasn't paying attention because there was a Puerto Rican on the television right but she wrote

this movie so in the reality of this movie they really were just like the doctors like I'm Mr. Fancy Jewish pants get out of my hospital I needed to give a gay kid trans surgery and they were like oh Yeah, got me But yeah, he has a week to live he will be I and Kara again You have much more experience pulling the teeth out of dead people so feel free to break me not what I do for a living Are people who are a week from death? Usually this spray and sassy?

And later when he's a minute from death, he's also too spry and sassy. So like nothing about this is reflective of reality. Case in point, she asks him if he has an advanced directive, but she's clearly talking about a DNAR. Like she doesn't even know the difference between the two things. She's like, you have an advanced directive, right? Like you don't want extreme measures taken. And it's like, those are two different things. But okay. It's a lot of the same letters, A, D, R, DN, A, R.

I'm just checking here. You don't want to be resuscitated and your lunch order is a chicken salad on rye. Yeah. We've sort of combined the paperwork here Do they tell you that you have a week, but they've never told you anything before that no that like standard I don't know if somebody has a week to die. Yeah, I didn't think you would even know that okay. Thank you It seems very specific and small a week seems like a weird prediction, right?

It seems very specific and small. A week seems like a weird prediction, right? Six months is sort of like, this is how far the cancer is gonna progress. That could be vague enough to be reasonable. But a week feels like you have a bet going with the other hospital nurses. Yeah, so prognostication. So here's the interesting thing about prognostication.

It is a really interesting science that's based on a lot of important data. He is giving none of the science that he is actively dying, right? Like he's not showing us as an actor, at least. He's not showing us any indication that he's actively dying. And with prognostication, which is usually based on like, you know, everything, imaging,

it's based on the spread of the cancer. If we're talking about cancer, so far he's just dying of head bandage death. Like we don't even know what he died from. But if it were brain cancer, is that what they're trying to indicate? I don't know. It's gonna be based on a lot of different things.

It's kind of like forecasting the weather. So the closer you get to the event, the more accurate you can usually be because there are signs and symptoms that come when somebody starts the process of actively dying, but they don't give us any of that information. So no, you would never be like, I think you got about a week. Like that's the weirdest thing. And at one point, they literally ask, I can't remember who asks it, but it's like, do they teach you to avoid the word? Oh, he says that to her.

Yeah, the word was death. And he's like, so what, do they teach you to avoid the word? Oh, he says that to her. Was it death? The word? Yeah. The word was death. And he's like, so what do they teach you to avoid the word? And she's like, yeah, no, they don't. Oh, God, but how amazing would it be if that was true? They just had to use weird synonyms for it. Hey, boss queen, I think you might unalive it this week. Yeah, right? Boots down the house. The first thing that I talk about when I talk about this

with individuals is like, don't use euphemisms. Normalize the word. Oh, really? I've been saying person experiencing, not experiencing. Is that? Oh. So PC. Well, to be fair, Carol, the first thing you say

to your patients is, I can't wait to yank Demolars. And you are also wearing a t-shirt that says it. So I always think that's weird. Like, I don't want to give you any of you. I know I'm not a doctor. You are a medical doctor who practices medicine in the state of Arizona. But like-

Oh my God, I'm tired of it. I know I'm tired of it. I know I'm tired of it. Do I even caveat or do I just let you run with it? Can you- I feel like you should probably caveat. Hey, let me give you a little God of a movie, historical wisdom, always caveat the thing that I've said.

I am a PhD clinical psychologist who is about to start my postdoc. Extra doctor. So I'm an unlicensed clinical psychologist who specializes in health psychology. Rogue. I work with individuals with cancer. Unlicensed. And I am interested in end of life issues. I work with individuals with cancer.

And I am interested in end-of-life issues. I've worked with a lot of people who are dying. Does what the fuck she wants. So I'm not a medical doctor. That's useful. You can just say no after Eli's stuff too if you want to go quick. But that's good. We've used that as a little idea.

Not a medical doctor. Shorthand. Not a dentist. I am curious though. I know I'm taking us on a left turn a little bit, but blame Eli. Please, we're really trying us on a left turn a little bit, but blame Eli Please we're really trying to pay attention to super interesting How did the dead people dentist facade diva where did you come up with this? Okay?

So you have a big jar of teeth in your home You have a big jar of teeth. I mean look we're we're gonna talk about it. I believe that's Canon. Yeah, thank you. I think he had a weird dream or okay. Holding the space for me. Before every record, Kara takes down her big jar of teeth. She shakes it in a circle around her head and she goes, give me the jokes these corpses had.

Give me the jokes these corpses had. Give me the jokes these corpses had. Steve Novella. And then she puts it back on the shelf and she won't let us interrupt her and she won't start the record if we don't do that. So I assume. This feels planned. Like you had this in your pocket. You were waiting for me to ask you about this. I'm developing lore all the time, Kara, if you'd come to the writers' meetings. I'll be there later. All right, so that night night we're gonna cut back to her house where a handyman is fixing her light switches. Can we talk about this handyman for a while? Oh please the Geico caveman human. Wow. Yeah, he is aggressively uninvolved. Yeah, he's got an aggressive brow.

He's got an aggressive brow. Bretshirt does. Yeah. Hey, we found the Neanderthal everybody and he's fixing this lady's lights. I am convinced that I wanted at any given scene a bison to run in and just headbutt this man and then be like, run away and he'd be like, sorry, that happens occasionally. It felt the beginning of the scene with no context. I thought this was her husband. Did any of you get that vibe too?

Okay, they have a sexual chemistry. Oh, I will get it through the rest of the movie. Yeah. They have a sexual chemistry throughout the movie, every time, and it's always by accident. We'll reveal why with the plot eventually. Spoiler alert, when that reveal happens, I think the sexual tension grows if anything.

It does. It increases. This is just weird. But yeah, he touches a screwdriver to her light switch, so now the light bulbs go on. I'm not gonna pretend to know enough about electricity that that's not possible. It just I don't think the people who made this movie know how that's possible. Oh, they don't because they said, oh, you had a loose wire. That was the explanation for why her power went out. And while he was doing that he was eavesdropping on her. She kept having to excuse herself so she could call the what time did they die phone? She's doing

it so she's chewing a big thing of gum. She's drinking a Miller high, I don't know, 11-ish. God, I gotta start taking notes. It's so weird. Oh, when these corpsos die, that's what I call them, corpsos. But yeah, so she's narrating how when people die, he doesn't charge her because no one in the movie will ever charge her for any of the services they do for her. Because God. Because God.

Because God. Because God. Because God. Yes. Yeah. And then as he's leaving, again, I cannot emphasize enough that this is a setup for wacky shenanigans. As he's leaving, he notices a man emerge from her bushes and look through her window. Yep. Yep. Like a really bad stalker. I don't mean like all stalkers are bad, but like he's bad at the stalker. He's not a-

Yeah, like he's wearing all white. Yes. Like he's like, like with a headlamp. An un-gifted stalker, yeah. He's got a boombox, he holds it up over his head. No, stupid, ah, duh. And then he just looks in the window and walks away

like he did it wrong and he's mad at himself. Yeah, yeah. Okay, now I have a subplot that went on just for me that I need to talk about because we're going to introduce male nurse in the next scene. I love male nurse. There's her and then there's male nurse who's there when she's not there. I call him night nurse. Night nurse. Yeah, sure. Night nurse.

Todd's a cool character. I love him. Actor who plays night nurse and actor who plays crazy stalker are pretty physically similar looking dudes. So I went through the whole movie being like, oh man, at some point Night Nurse guy is going to reveal that he's been stalking her the whole time. Nope, just two short haired men. So again, if you're watching along at home, please don't attribute plot to this film by accident. But no, she comes in and she's like, hey, how was last night? And he was like, he was just sleeping because it was nighttime.

Kara, is this a real job and can I have it? Because that sounds sweet as shit. I just sit there while people sleep. I could do that. Probably. Nice. I don't know. I'm not a nurse.

But I'm assuming that that happened. Yeah, let's get Eli working for hospice. I think that's a great idea. Yeah, Kara, I don't know what extent. I wasn't. But I'm assuming that that happened. Yeah, let's get Eli working for hospice. I think that's a great idea. Yeah, Kara, I don't know what extent, I wasn't listening while you were clarifying what kind of doctor you are, but to whatever extent you are a doctor, you deserve to lose your license for not saying no just now. I suggested I be there at night with dying people. Okay, I will say this, Eli.

In my experience with hospice workers, they do not like bits and I was disappointed. Like I thought if anybody should have sense of humor, it's a hospice worker, right? Like I'm making jokes, my dying dad is even laughing at some of them and nothing from the hospice crew. They were not, they did not appreciate jokes. Also Heath, just to clarify, until somebody's like close,

they're not there 24 seven. This whole thing where they're like doing shifts and they're tagging each other out, that's not really accurate, right? Okay, but there's like 11 hours, 20 minutes and 42 seconds left at this point in his life. And they know that. Yeah, that's true.

They know they've got a big countdown timer over his head. Pull back of the office. So but Night Nurse, right? Who I love. He is by far the best actor in this film. Can we all agree on that? For sure. Oh yeah, okay.

Not a high bar, but yes he is. Not a high bar, but yeah. He actively doesn't do things that make me disbelieve he's a human being Oh, yeah. Okay. Not a high bar, but yes, he is not a high bar But yeah, he actively doesn't do things that make me disbelieve. He's a human being so yeah Yeah, so he fucks off and it's time for her and racism guy Ron to do a little nice to meet you and again like this is the This is what a Republican piece of shit who nobody misses What a Republican piece of shit who nobody misses thinks other people think of him, right? Cause he's like, why are you single?

What's wrong with you? And she's like, oh, who card you? But everyone in his life just hates him, just hates him and he's never eaten food without spitting it. But he explains he died a long time ago when his special little lady died now I just want to put a pin in this scene because this scene is a There was the love of my life and she was a wonderful little lady and oh gosh taken too soon

The rest of the movie the rest of the film will be about how this woman abused and Endangered his children. Oh, yeah, the rest of the film. Yep about how this woman abused and endangered his children. Oh, yeah. The rest of the film. Yep. It's confusing. It is. I thought they had a setup to something good here. I took a guess. I was like, OK, so he had to euthanize his wife because she had something when she was young, unexpected, and he feels bad now.

And, you know, the movie is dumb about stuff like this. So that's that's the lesson he's going to learn about. Christy, like somehow, you know the movie is dumb about stuff like this so that's that's the lesson he's gonna learn about christie like somehow you know he pulls the plug and then they invent the cure to that thing 10 seconds later someone runs in and like oh did you and then he has to get Christian redeemed like the mist do you guys remember the miss exactly he's the protagonist of the mist and this is yes this movie is officially a sequel to the mist and we refuse to take any notes No, it's none of those things we should have death panels though, right? It feels like we should

I know like the movies trying to say like don't do that or whatever, but we should I feel like we should I don't think the movie says we shouldn't do that. I think the movie's like if only am I right? I think the movie is really confused about its political stance. Because their first thing is they're saying this guy is bad because American flag and racism. But then they're also saying because he's an atheist, which makes no sense because the woman who is the protagonist does all sorts

of evil unethical things as a Christian that are much more in line with Christian, but it's very confusing. I don't understand. Yeah, they don't understand her unethical. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So now we cut over to Mom's house podcast listener. I'm gonna save you 77 hours that I spent trying to figure out this movie. I thought this was a different hospice patient because they don't do any of the intro stuff. Nope. This is she's just talking to her sister about her mom, whose mom's memory has gotten bad. Don't worry. You won't have to remember that because after this scene,

the movie will not remember it. It will no longer be a part of the film's plot. Yeah. Mom won't have Alzheimer's anymore after this scene. Right. Yeah. Other point of confusion for me at the beginning of this scene we see Julie and she's got a cute dog. We don't know it's her sister but she's talking to this woman next to her and they're they're describing it like the dog is dying. Right? It was like so how's she doing and they're and we're petting the dog. They're using vague enough pronouns that you think they're maybe talking about the dog yet.

And I was like, is there hospice for dogs? Cause there should be. I do like that. Yeah. No, that's not what's happening. There should be hospice for dogs though, I agree. Yeah, it's Julie and sister talking about mom. Mom has Alzheimer's.

She clearly doesn't know how to talk to somebody with Alzheimer's, even though she's a trained nurse. Right, you're supposed to yell at them, right? Like make them feel real stupid and like wrong emotionally. Yeah, like shame them for forgetting things a lot. Yeah, and mom's not even like into like full or dangerous dementia. She's just like, I thought I had a pie in the oven

and she's like, no you fucking idiot. Oh, like you hear yourself right now. Put a bullet in your mouth. God. Yeah, no, you fucking idiot. Oh my God, you hear yourself right now. Put a bullet in your mouth. God. That's basically the scene. Oh, I have a question about the medical ethics here. If you're a hospice worker, can you be your mom's hospice worker

or is it like, you know, being a therapist for somebody you know you can't do that. You have to hire somebody else. Well, I think that the ethics are more wiggly, but you really shouldn't treat somebody that you care about, but people do it all the time, because at the same time, as maybe you shouldn't be her official hospice nurse,

you're going to be her caretaker, you're her daughter. Okay. So, you know. But what sort of you should hire a person to do a lot of that work too, ideally? Well, you don't have to hire a hospice nurse, that's the thing, like it's a Medicare. They just show up.

They wake up, you wake up and they've grown from the ceiling and they drop down from their pod. It's a Medicare benefit. Like it's not like a set for hire. Okay, you don't have to use it, sure. No, like if you have Medicare, hospice is free in this country. Okay, I feel like if I'm a hospice worker

and I hire another one, I'm gonna be all judgy during the whole thing. That is probably gonna happen. When I'm at a bar, because I'm a former bartender, I like judge every little detail, like super mean. You're just standing there tapping your foot. I wanna give him the morphine by now, but that's fine if you wanna let him get through

his last wishes. Oh, you do two taps on the thing for the air bubble. I do three, because I care about not killing people. I'm a three man myself, but yeah, no, it's fine. No, I think you're actually probably right about that. Also, you're allowed to be a therapist for your friends Heath. Kara secretly gives me therapy as a licensed therapist

in the state of Arizona. Also incorrect, everything he's saying is incorrect. This is slander. Jesus prescribed me several pharmacological drugs in the state of Arizona. I am not a physician and do not prescribe drugs. I've used it to get life endangering medications, which I'm currently on under

her advisement in the state of Arizona. How much money does Eli have in his savings account? Because I'm going after all of them. You've learned my secret. You can say anything as long as the law will yield you nothing. All right. So she's finished yelling at her mom. Now she goes back and finds sleep nurse again.

Now, OK, every time she walks in on this nurse, he's asleep next to the old guy. Again, I just discovered that they have night nurses and I became aspirational to be one of them. But I feel like you're supposed to stay awake in case they die, right? Isn't that the whole point of a night nurse? Or need something they might wake up. Yeah, I feel like you're not supposed to just nap, right?

I don't know. I mean, does it really, I feel like probably you need to, maybe he's a light sleeper. Ooh, all right. I'm not upset. I'm actually not upset about this. I'm really loving this profession.

You can sleep when they sleep. Cause I was the worst part was going to be having to stay awake. But now, thanks to Dr. Cara Santa Maria, medical doctor in the state of Arizona. I'm learning to be fair, he's literally sleeping right next to the guy. Like the guys in his hospital bed in his living room. And then the night nurses on the couch right next to him. He's fine.

What if that ace bandage breaks and then the night nurses on the couch right next to him. He's fine. Yeah. What if that ace bandage breaks and then his face diabetes flies out or whatever? You're in big trouble. You gotta be right for that. You're right. He's dying of diabetes. Face. You know what I'm saying?

Forehead diabetes. I know that's the big... Forehead diabetes. Area that's affected by that. There is a whole conversation about how another blamy, shamy, she's like, oh, shouldn't it eat all that sugar? You wouldn't be dying. Like that actually happens. Got to give up those candy bars.

Wow. That's rough. So Night Nurse fucks off. He's gotten his good 12 hours of sleep while his patient was joking to death on a tube or something. So he fucks off. Now it's time for more of his backstory. This is where she reveals the dramatically positioned photograph of his children. Yeah. There's so many secrets hiding of his backstory. This is where she reveals the dramatically positioned photograph

of his children. Yeah, there's so many secrets hiding around his house and you know their secrets because they play this spooky music on a loop. Yeah, and only a really big exposed corner of the secret photo is sticking out from under the secret, old secret area, whatever. And she's like, what's this? And she grabs it and it's a big plot point. Yeah. Yeah. This is also where he reveals that he's an atheist. When she says Christian, he reacts like he doesn't like

the flavor of that religion. His response is, which like, look, I get it, but that's not the noise we generally make. He's a Republican atheist, though. So, you know, they are real and they matter. They matter, yeah. He's the one who sent you the letter. He's the one who sent you the letter of forehead diabetes,

which I'm happy about everything. His whole thing is about sending you the letter. He sent you that email about how much he matters. Oh, and this is also where she's like, by the way, I snooped through your shit and discovered that you, you know, made an apparatus for kids with CP and that you also have like children.

And he's like, what the fuck lady? Like, I could report you for that. Why are you going through my things? And she's like, up, up, up, up, up. It's the plot of the movie. And he's like, okay, fine. I'm converting you to Christianity. Yes, I am.

And yeah, he's like, I'm gonna report you. If she just got fired and then credits, that's a really good movie. That would have been a fantastic movie. Yeah, I'm gonna report you. If she just got fired and then credits, that's a really good movie. That would have been fantastic movie. I would have loved that. I think we might have seen that one. But yeah, he gave away his kids for adoption. And so she offers to go find the kids

and he's not sure about that. And his response to like, I don't know that I want you to find my kids and the last week of my life is like, okay, well you're gonna die like in four minutes and 46 seconds, so fucking hurry up with the decision making, okay? In what universe would it be good for anyone

for her to move forward and find his children? I don't understand. Do not understand. This movie, by the way- It's just a hundred percent trauma. This movie will not conclude that it was a great idea for him to find his children. Right. The idea here is that she's going to go snoop around, find information,

find the biological kids and then be like, hey, do you want to watch the death of your biological dad over the next day or two? And they would want that. Oh, you didn't know you were adopted? Oops. Oh, yeah. Well, that'd be fun. It would have been great if the kids showed up and just roasted him the whole time for being a piece of shit. Yes. Oh, see, again, I'd watch that movie. But speaking of his kids and his family in general,

now it's time for a flashback. It is unclear whether these flashbacks are hers or his. Sometimes they're very clearly his. I think this one is very clearly his. But later on in the movie they will seemingly share of the same flashback together. So- But that makes sense once you know the plot. That's true. It's a black and white one. And hey, remember that little lady he was in love with so much and oh, taken too soon, she was his angel. Now we're gonna watch her drink while pregnant everybody. So get ready to love this character.

Top to tuppence man. She's gonna be the darling of the film. It's also super weird because this flashback is like a grand total of nine seconds long and then they're just back in the present and you're like what just happened? Yeah, I don't understand. Like it takes you that long to be like oh black and white. Okay, this is the past because you can't really tell because it doesn't look like the past. It's just black and white. Yeah, it's tricky because there's a flat screen TV on the wall. Yeah, that also made it really hard for me to understand the pastness of this. I like that they combed over the guy's hair though, like no, old-timey haircut. It's definitely

definitely the past. So now we check in on her boss. She asks her boss if it's okay for her to violate her patient's privacy. And again, her boss is like, are you trying to save another soul you wild card? You and she's like, you got me. And she's like, okay, here are his personal records so that you can save his soul medical professional. Yeah, can we talk about just the logistics of this scene for a second? So she literally goes to her boss and says, I want his personal records.

What are those? What is in that file? To your permanent record from school? I don't know, she's a nurse. She can access his medical records. She has access to that. What are personal records? I don't think we have that.

I'd like his corn history, it's gonna help me do some detective work. And so the boss goes a moke and literally picks up the file that's sitting right in front of her on the desk. And it's got like three pieces of paper in it. What's in there? The plot, Sarah, the plot is in there.

It's the next part. It's the folder of plot. Of the movie. Okay. All right. I want to go through this scene real quick. We probably shouldn't have included it, but I do have to talk about it because now she's going to go talk to Ron's old boss.

Why? Podcast listener. Why? I cannot emphasize this character will never come back. None of this will ever matter. She just follows a man out of an elevator, and he's like, hey, sorry, are you following me? And she's like, yeah, do you want to go see

your dying ex-employee? And he's like, no. And she's like, Jew! And that's it. That is the end of the fucking scene. But you left out that the whole elevator ride, she's standing one inch from his face. Thank you, Kara.

I laughed a lot Yeah, she walks into this elevator and she creeps up so fucking close to him face facing him He's facing forward like a human being in an elevator and she's like Next to him facing him and he's just like please step away from me and face forward like a grown-up in an elevator god damn it It's like you're an etiquette. You gotta, you space it out and you face forward and you don't look. If you're facing sideways,

you've done something terribly wrong. Yeah. And there's, to be fair, there's no one else in this elevator. It's not like she's, you know, trying to kind of squeeze her way. It's an empty elevator except for the two of them. Yeah. There's no reason to make the protagonist be horrible at this other thing.

Just fucking fill in time. And speaking of filling time, we already know that one of the sources of comedy shenanigans in this film will be the dangerous psychosexual stalking of our protagonist. But you know what else is funny? Accidentally covering yourself in feces. And that's how we'll introduce this next one. Right. Let me explain what happens, podcast listener.

She's meeting up with the private investigator she has hired to violate the privacy of her client. And the way we're going to meet this private investigator is that he steps in poop and then touches said poop and then appears to catch on invisible poop fire While she is waiting to meet him I didn't catch any of that. Oh But you have to go back and watch it seems pretty it's pretty funny. All I put was hard cut to sitcom music in the part One of those times that they're, hijinks music works for this horribly

unethical medical thing, right? Yeah. We do hijinks. And then we're like, we gotta add shit or something. So this private eye shows up and he straddles the park bench and walks up to where that is gross. And then he's like, oh, sorry, can't shake your hand. I just found some dog shit.

And I was like, and then you played with it? With your hands? What the hell was that? Yeah, it's so weird. Why is it on your hand? Seems like it wouldn't be on your hand. I would call the police if I had that interaction. If that interaction happened to me, I'd be like,

I'm calling 911, you should run away. Yeah. But yeah, she, and again, I cannot emphasize that this is the order things happen. She's like, yeah, I have a patient, I want to try and find his kids and he's like, great, I'll be back in an hour with the info you need, which is a fucking buck wild amount of time. And then, and I cannot emphasize, again, this is the order. And then he's like, oh wait, sorry, what are their names or any information about he was he was I'll be back I'll be here faster than a fucking little Caesar's pizza shore

Before he had the name of the person he was looking into That's true, and she's so awful like everything about her character I love this theme that I'm sure you guys run into literally every week where Protagonist of the God awful movie is actually the worst Karen you've ever met and she's clearly the antagonist But they don't see it right they do not see it. Yeah, they do not see it and here is a great example She's like he's like, I don't know and she's like this is really important to me I don't know and she's like this is really important to me Like not to the dying man. He doesn't even know about me to me to be fair The dying man has been like please do not do that. So at this point it is just important to her

But yeah, he says he'll be back in an hour and because this movie is so fucking sloppily edited It now cuts to two hours later. She literally says out loud to no one, okay, where are you? It's been two hours. But PI finally comes back after two hours, I guess. He shows up with the birth certificates and she looks at it and she's like, oh that's weird. She was born on my birthday. His daughter that you found, that's impossible. goes huh odd she was born on my birthday now look this is a call forward to it's gotta be her she's his long lost daughter but like any same person would be like yeah only

365 days so sometimes people have the same it's not odd it's just one of the options. Coincidence? Yes, it is just a coincidence. OK. OK. Well, bye. Yeah. All right. Well, now we have to decide will the same birthday be a coincidence or a plot point? Who knows? We're going to take a quick break

and then we'll be back to find out in act two of A Time for Heaven. Mr. Smith, are you awake? Yes. Yes, what is it? I brought someone to see you. My children? No, it's your boss from your old job. Oh. Um... Hi, Jerry.

Hi. I'll leave you to it. Yeah, so um, how uh, how you feeling? Bad, I mean, I'm dying dying. Yeah, sure. Sorry, right Sorry, did you have something you wanted to say to me? No, not not really when there's came around and found me assumed you had something to say to me? No, not really. When Nurse came around and found me, I assumed you had something to say to me. Like, maybe the long time gay thing? What? No, I'm straight. I don't know, just why would you want to talk to me on your death bed otherwise? I didn't want Julie. Julie? How are we boys getting along in here? Fine, sorry. Why did you bring this guy? Well, you work together.

Yeah, but we weren't close. Yeah, do people often want to see their old bosses on their deathbeds? Well, I don't know. Maybe. Okay. Well, sorry, Jerry. I think this was a miscommunication, just a heads up. A miscommunication, yeah. I thought he was in gay love with me, so. Why would you think that? Because he's on his deathbed.

People don't use their deathbed to just like chat. I figured it was something big. Look, Jerry, I appreciate you coming in. I'm sorry for the confusion. Yeah, I guess. So, feel better. Not gonna feel better, I'm dying Jerry whatever Julie maybe run these things by me before you bring people by in the future

Fine, okay, but just out of curiosity. How do you feel about your old postman? Is he waiting in the living room? Yes Does he think I'm in gay love with him? Probably yes Sand him in Just my skin look better. Absolutely. Oh, what about me? Oh, it is getting there nice guys. What are you doing in my kitchen? Oh, hey Kara. I hope you don't mind. He thought I were just helping ourselves to some of your famous people's superfoods

We found my what now This yellow fiber blob, Kara. I bet it's got all kinds of famous people vitamins in it, right? Okay, first of all, that's a sponge. And secondly, if you guys are looking to eat great but you're short on time, why don't you try Factor? What's Factor? Good question, Eli.

Factors delicious, ready to eat meals make eating better every day easy. Wherever tomorrow takes you, be ready with pre-prepared, chefcrafted, and dietitian-approved meals delivered right to your door. You'll have over 35 different options a week to choose from, including keto, calorie-smart, vegan, plus veggie, and more. And there's even more to enjoy with over 55 nutrition-packed add-ons that help make your weekly meal planning even more delicious. I don't know, Kara. Heath and I are busy men of business. We don't have time to cook

at home. Well, factors ready to eat and eat meals are ready in just two minutes. Plus, factor is less expensive than takeout, and every meal is dietitian-approved to be nutritious and delicious. All right, Kara. We are sold. Where do we sign up? Head to factormeals.com slash awful50 and use code awful50 to get 50% off. That's code awful50 at factormeals.com slash awful50 to get 50% off. All right, thanks.

You guys are buying me a new sponge. What? We didn't even eat all of this one. 50% off. All right, thanks. Ew, you guys are buying me a new sponge. What? We didn't even eat all of this one. And we're back. And we're gonna start act two with Julie telling a dying man that she did the exact opposite of his wishes and tracked down birth certificates of the kids that he put up for adoption.

Right, I also point out that doesn't matter because he gave up these kids when they were well into their lives, right? Well, we're going to learn in a flashback later. At least the girl. She was like six or seven years old when he put her up for adoption. So he would, he might have copies of their birth certificates when and where they were born means nothing.

It's nothing. It's got no effect on the movie. I found your kids. I already know who they are, but thank you. Yeah, they were my kids. They just like take the birth certificates when you put them up for adoption, and you have to like scrub. They flashy thing. You like men and black men and black. But he's like, hey, I didn't want you to do that.

Please don't do it. So she does a toddler being forced to apologize. Cancellation of the stalking. She's like, this is the best calls the private eye. Please don't do it. So she does a toddler being forced to apologize Cancellation of the stocking. She's the best calls the private eye. Hey, it's Julie I guess you could just stop Cuz he doesn't even want to Todd the other the night nurse guy is like hey Julie big illegal super But you got it you call the PI and cancel that right now super duper not allowed. She's like Okay, hello. Don't do it. Okay. Bye. Yep. That's the whole thing. Yeah whole scene. Yep

So that night she's looking at the birth certificate when she notices that that's the hospital She was born at white My birthday and the hospital in this small town where everybody would be born in the same hospital. Am I in a movie? Yeah. And then she calls the PI and she's like, hey, I left you a fake toddler voicemail. I still want you to keep working.

Call me back. Keep stalking. It's never been more important than it is now. And now she goes to, and this is again, just a weird turn for the movie to take, she goes to confront her mother about her being adopted. Now look, I am in an adopted family, my younger sister is adopted, I love adoption.

And I know that there are problems with the adoption system, but closed or open adoption are choices that families make among themselves. They talk about it in this movie, like it's medical history that was somehow hidden from her or an affair that she had with a different family. She's like weirdly mad at her mom who nicely adopted her and she's like, hey mom, if that's your fucking real name am I adopted? She's super cruel to her too.

She's like, fuck your Alzheimer's. It's really mean. She's super cruel to her too. She's like, fuck your Alzheimer's. Like it's really mean. She's really mean to her mom. And her mom's like, I don't, we thought you wouldn't love us if we don't. That was super funny. I wanted the mom to be like, I would like to play my Alzheimer's card now, please. Don't remember. I think there's a pie in the oven. Yeah. And then it's so funny because she says she thought you would love us if you were adopted, which is a hilarious thing to be afraid of. And then she's like, okay, but I had a brother. Why didn't you adopt my brother? And her answer appears to be, we tried, but someone else had dibs.

They licked him and everything. Yeah, scooped on eBay or whatever. I didn't think that's how it works, but apparently it is. They used one of those sniper bots, you know, the ones you can sign up for online. It just, it kind of takes the whole fun out of the adopting thing. Which actually it's kind of like, it's funny that we're sort of making fun of that plot point.

But in the flashback to be fair, Jewel, well, now we know it was Jewel. Jewel was like six or seven and the brother was a baby. And, you know, I also come from an adoptive family and I have three brothers who were adopted. They also had a younger brother in foster care. And because he was an infant, he was adopted out from under them.

And the three boys were sort of like languishing in foster care before my parents adopted them. So people do want babies and they don't want children, sadly, and so that does happen. Oh, got it. And I'm just realizing that right now, because I also was like, this is stupid. And then I remembered, oh yeah, he was a baby.

Yeah, also she was seven and apparently she forgot being adopted happened. I forgot that she had other parents. I feel like that sticks with you. I know. Does she have Alzheimer's too? Yeah, she's like a fully grown child who just like blocked all that out. Apparently.

This movie is so stupid. And we're supposed to feel sorry for her even though she's horrible. She's literally like screaming at her mother, being so cruel to her mother. Ugh, I hate Julie. I hate her. I hate her too. And I love her mom. I love the Ellen Bernstein dupe. She's the best. Oh my god, it's so good. It's so good. So now it's time for some comedy, I think. Now it's time for some comedy. So she's home that night and as she gets home who jumps out of the bushes, but Nathan He's the stalker guy. What's what special he stopped by with a rose at 3 30 in the morning Okay at this moment. I was like, please tell me he's the brother that Okay, that would have made this a great movie. This would then become my favorite movie, yes.

Yeah, but instead Nathan has no context and doesn't matter. Like there's no point to this whole scene or character or what are they trying to prove? Like what is the point of this? Very unclear. I think they meant to set up a twist at the end and then they forgot to do that too. So they just like bring him back for a second at the end,

but nothing happens. None of this makes sense. It's just, I think they believe comedy relief for the movie. They think this is funny. I think they had some kind of pyramid of movies, right? And at the bottom of that pyramid in the very lowest position was Christian movie. But above that was stalker horror movie.

And they were really hoping they could make a stalker horror movie. And they were really hoping they could make a stalker horror movie. And at the last minute, they were like, we just don't have the footage guys. And they settled for Christian movie. All right, we'll go with hospice movie. But the thing that we have to make clear here is that Nathan isn't scary.

He's like a sweet, special needs man. Like he's like, you know, probably really neurodivergent. He's showing up in the middle of the night with Rose. He's like, hey, you were nice to meivergent. He's showing up in the middle of the night with Rose. It's like, hey, you were nice to me once at work. Do you want to be my friend? And she's like, no, Nathan, you need to go home now. Yeah.

Like it's not, he's not really like a scary stalker at all. He's just like a guy who doesn't get it. I don't know. It's kind of sad. Everything about the scene is really sad to me. Cara Santa Maria, Arizona doctor and pro stalking? Pro stalking. Stop it.

He's also by the way not really stalking. Didn't he like ring the doorbell? You're really digging your heels in on this pro stalker. Cara Santa Maria stalking apologist everybody. Did you not see this coming? Now I have to apologize for you on the phone. Listen, lots of good people on both sides of the stalking. Let's be honest.

Kara, whose house are you showing up at at three in the morning with a rose? Okay, what behavior are you pending? Here in my defense. In my defense. She is not a good person in my defense. You can stalk someone if they're a bad person. Kara Sanmaria.

I like everyone in this movie more than Julie is my stamp. Even the white supermiss. Okay. Alright. Digging my heels. A lot of hot takes. A lot of hot takes. From Arizona doctor Kara Santamaria.

Oh, hey, don't you do it too. Don't you catch the hot takes. Honestly, Kara, can I say Arizona Medical Doctor, the least of your problems right now? You're probably fine. Kara's also a cyber ninja. You're up there being like, you can sniff someone's underwear

that they're not in the house. That doesn't hurt them at all. I didn't say any of these things. This is all slander. And I want people who, because I know some of the people who listen to this podcast actually then go

and watch these movies because you're all masochists yourselves. And so those of you who watch this movie, please write in, not to me, make sure you write into Eli, lots of emails. I want lots of emails written into Eli and tell them your hot take on Nathan. Your pro stocking hot take.

The positive side of stocking Nicely in this movie. All right because not not a once do they use the word stocking? This is this is he then Eli's hot take I just think that this is a sad sweet man Wow, you're really sticking to sweet as a descriptor for this Sweetly staring in windows and then going away. Sweet window staring. He just does that to see if she's home so he should knock on the door or leave the rose. All right.

No. Three in the morning. We'll circle back and let you revisit this every so often. Hey, if you're one of Kara's victims and you need help, you can also email us and we'll do our best to get you the help. Blink twice in your email. If Kara met you by pretending to be your doctor in Arizona,

but then she started showing up at three in the morning. And when you told her to stop, she was like, I'm sweet. And she was pretending to be neurodivergent to get sympathy while stalking. That's crazy. That's offensive. Eli, you're wishing you wrote a different interstitial right now.

Absolutely. Are you kidding? I might go back. We might wait until Noah's back next week and write a Cara the Arizona stalker sketch. Oh God, you're gonna do it with like, you're gonna AI my voice, aren't you? You're gonna. Yes.

I have that going now too. You have enough of Cara's voice to AI Cara's voice. Oh, good. You don't even need it. There's enough on the internet. Like I mean, yeah, I've done a lot of podcasts at this point. Fuck. So now it's time for another flashback.

They're getting divorced. They did not tell the woman playing the divorce attorney that she was supposed to be in the past. So she is dressed real modern with these two people who are dressed in 1950s garbs. Oh, I thought this was Because the adoption agent is like, okay, so you two understand what adoption is, right? And they say I wanted them to say no and see what happens in that

People are like, I don't really get it and she's like, oh well sign here. I'm taking your kid They're like, I don't really get it. And she's like, oh, well, sign here. I'm taking your kid. But that's basically what happens. They sign a paper and then the kid just gets taken, both kids, I guess, get taken right there at that moment. And to be fair, there's no context yet for why. Like we find out later why they can't take care of their kids.

But right now they just look like a middle-class family who's like, we don't want them anymore. Take them away. Right. Who lost their kids in like a raffle or something. We're in a bowling league and it kind of conflicts with their bedtime. So we think it's best that we part ways. And to emphasize that, right, they she walks out with the kids, right? And he turns back to her and there's this pause like he's gonna be like so

Date night no kids am I right we can do whatever we want Go to Europe. Oh, so now we cut back to her She is now literally plotting against his wishes to extend his hospice care So that she has time to tell him that she's his daughter? Okay, did she not enlist Todd to like stall and continue her lie a little bit? 100% that's what's going on, but why back it up for a second. Why do we now know all of a sudden out of the blue that he's not dying? Well, he's not. He is, in fact, dying.

He's dying. It's like the movie just pretended for a sentence that that might be the stakes of the movie. So, he could be like, no, that's not the stakes of the movie. And Todd would be like, okay, back seas, it's not the stakes in the movie. Yeah. So, wait, Todd's a night nurse, right? Yeah. Yeah.

So, basically, he's the arbiter of whether this guy's dying based on what, like, vibes? Yeah, yeah. I don't understand. And he calls the boss and is like, and this is to help her incredibly unethical thing. He calls the boss to be like, he does need more hospice despite his wishes, I guess, so that she has time to do her like,

convert this guy to Christianity plot. Riggs, I can give you 24 hours, but if you don't have a deadpan on my desk by Monday morning, I need your gun and your badge. Also, I just have to point out that entire scene takes place in real whispers, not stage whispers, real whispers. So I had to watch that scene twice

because the two actors are like, has a manifesto black. You don't watch these with a closed captioning. I do closed captioning, yeah. Me too, every time. I like sometimes they'll just put in brackets. It'll be like, America music or like. No, I love that's my favorite, all menace music.

Oh, beat music. Yeah, it's the best. Okay, but here's an important thing. Stocker hijinks, yeah. Yeah, it's the best. Okay, but here's the fourth thing. Stocker hijinks. Yeah. So now he's- Sweet man hijinks. He listened to Kara. Stop it. Kara represents all women. They love it when you show up at their house at three in the morning with the rents.

Why do I do that? You guys do not pay me enough to do it. So he wakes up from a dream. This is Ron, is that his name? The dying man. Yeah, old dying man. The dying man who may or may not actually be dying. Wakes up from a dream and says, I had a dream, I've been a miserable person. And then she nods knowingly. Yep.

That's not what a dream is, man. That's a thought. You mean you had a thought? You thought about thoughts? He's like, let me tell you about my dream. I don't know if this violates my policy of telling people your dreams if you're not sleeping with them. I'm not, I'm unsure because he does not, in fact, have a...

Wait, what policy? Oh, I have a very strict policy that you're not allowed to tell anyone your dreams unless you're sleeping with them. Okay, why? It's the same as your stalker rules. I feel it in my heart. I know that it's right. So, does that mean that you and you're never going to tell

your son anything you've ever dreamt in your life? No, if I do, I have to sleep. But that's my rule because I stick to my guns, Kara. I'm a man of dignity and honor. Okay, all right. I never accidentally tell my son my dreams. See, this is good. I need Kara to be here to cross examine

Eli's crazy things more often. Look, we're all cross-examining each other. Somewhere in the last third of this review, he's going to unveil one of his batches opinions. I'm going to stop talking for the rest of the... Exactly. That's the only way to avoid the episode 443 curse. But now they're going to do what the movie's IMDB page description says they're gonna do. He's gonna write letters to everyone he's been a piece of shit to in his life. And I want to say I found this very impressive as a plot point because we will never hear

or see any of this part of the movie. They will montage it. Yeah, this is like a weird 12 step thing that's happening now. Well, to be fair, they'd have to show a Hispanic woman being like, I'm cool with the N word that you call me. She just tears it in half and throws it in the garbage. Yeah, but no, we now watch a montage of him writing the letters to all the people he was a piece of shit to,

while her voiceover explains that he was not a bad person. He was just a kind man with a bitter outlook. And I wrote in my notes, ah, yes, he's not a bad person. He just treats everyone around him badly. He's one of those secret good people. And again, a reminder, we were introduced to this character through his use of the N-word. to this character through his use of the N-word. Yeah. And his American flag and his white nationalist book. Yes, exactly. Time check.

This is only the halfway point of this fucking movie. Sure is. Did you guys realize this? I was dying at this point. I was like, oh no, we still have to watch all this movie. No, we've only been watching this guy die for three and a half days. Time is flying, man. So they finish the montage and she's like,

hey, do you want to write one to your kids? Maybe your daughter especially. And he's like, no, I don't want to bother him. And she's like, trust me, you won't be bothering them. They really, really want you to write them a letter. And he's like, I'm not going to do it. And she's like, okay, well just tell me. Then okay, if the rest of the movie was him refusing to do the movie, like she's trying to get him to do escalating argument, great film, that's perfect. That would

have been fun. So now we cut over to mom and the sister. Mom and the sister are commiserating on whether or not she's a bad mother for adopting her daughter? For not telling, maybe? Are you a bad parent? If you don't tell kids there, do you have to do that? I feel like some people choose not to and that's okay. So look, here's the thing. We're gonna get an email

because there's a crazy part of the internet that is very mad about it. And so we're gonna just, we're gonna hold real still for a second until those people move past the podcast. Remember when Kara said you're allowed to stalk a woman if she's pretty enough? Like, I did not say any of those. I didn't say anything. And then she said she's a doctor in the state of Arizona. Like, there's a lot to go with this week. You heard me say question marks at the end of all the things I just said to, right? I was like, you have to know

what the question mark is like it's like being a cop. But here's the thing that she says in this scene that I thought was really weird. She says, how come you didn't tell us? And the mom responds, real quote from the movie, because blood is thicker than water and I didn't want her to think she was water. What?

Think about how little about that expression you have to understand for that to be the thing you say, let alone write in your movie. Yeah, the movie's saying like, you're not a real, real kid though, right? Like so I had to lie and make sure. I didn't want to tell you, because then you'd know.

Yeah, if anyone has problematic beliefs about adoption, it's the authors of this film. Oh, they have problematic beliefs about a lot of things. About a lot of things, yeah. So now we cut back to, he's the authors of this film. Oh, they have problematic beliefs about a lot of things. About a lot of things, yeah. So now we cut back to he's dictating. So he's not going to write the letter, but he's going to tell her what would be in the letter to the kids. I think that's the plot now.

Yep. So he's telling them the story of how he met their mom. And I got to admit, this is fascinating to me because it's the moment of your movie where you reveal their backstory and he doesn't really have one, right? He's like, all right, here's the story I've been waiting to tell and hesitant to let go.

We met and then dated and had kids and it didn't work out. All right, there you go, John. Yep, he does reveal that he had cerebral palsy at this point. I know we've kind of spoiled that, that he had legs. He said my legs were a problem everywhere and I wrote in my notes too sexy. Yeah, he couldn't hold down a job because of his legs.

And so then she started drinking and he talks like extensively about her problems with drinking and then does a hard left turn into IV drug use. Harrowing, yeah. All of a sudden, it was like, oh, also she did a lot of heroin. I shouldn't miss it now. As a medical doctor,

specializing in addiction in the state of Arizona. And they actually show us a flashback in black and white to the mom like very happily doing. Oh yeah, with a belt around her arm. Yeah. Like who's like the flesh man? She's like playing the piano and shooting up at the same time. That's so weird.

The belt, they haven't made it a tourniquet because they don't know why heroin addicts have a thing around their arms. She's just wearing it like a loose little fashion accessory. She's just like, here's my heroin doing belt. Can't do heroin without wearing my favorite arm belt. And then he says that they were so poor, they couldn't afford the kids, that's why he gave up the kids.

And my favorite part is he's pouring his literal guts out to her about all of his shame, right? All the things in his life that he's really, really ashamed of and he's looking really vulnerable. And she looks at her phone. She just checks her text? Text her text? This must be how he feels hanging out with me. It's just like and then I said to her darling I know it was a bing-boom. Sorry someone just posted a new topic on a reddit that I occasionally follow.

Sorry hold on is there's a fat pug doing something? No she's not swimming but he thinks he might be. He is. So he's kicking his little leg. I hate Julie so much, she's a fucking word. Anyways, you were saying your dad's last words. And then, so he finishes telling his story, and then she says, now you have to write the story.

So he's told her the story, and now she's gonna write the story? I don't know. Like a book. It's unclear. It doesn't matter because they never come back to it anyway. Anyways, the point is that text she got, it was from the PI. And so now she's talking to the PI and the PI, she's in his office and she found the brother and guess what? Who could it be? But it's the caveman handyman from earlier

in the movie for no reason. Like why? Yup. Why? I wanted it to be the PI. Oh, that would have worked. Oh, that would have worked. Wouldn't that have been a better, yeah, full man? I think for her boss.

Yeah, that would have worked. Or it could have been the handyman. It's a great Christian movie where she like married the handyman and she's pregnant now and then they find Yeah, but there's this great moment because the PI is like wait, you know him and she's like yeah, and he's like wow Everyone in the movie knew each other what well, I mean, it's either lazy writing or you're being followed by an angel You're being followed by an angel. Oh yeah. That's so stupid. Yeah. And then he doesn't charge her because of the angel or God.

Yeah. And he really, I like he gets into the angel mythos too, right? Because the thing about angel myths, right, is when someone says that to them, you have to treat them instantly like a child. You have to be like, yeah, maybe. And he's like, no, no, no, you're not listening. I'm saying that the 1001 Seraphim appointed by God, each of them is assigned one human being. You have been assigned to Peter of the Nahari. He will be there when the last bull spills.

And she's like, yep, that's our religion. Thank you. And again, he doesn't charge you. And then he says, I can't charge you. Yeah, for, but he literally says for God's intervention. Yeah. He says, don't charge you. Yeah, but he literally says for God's intervention. Yeah, he says, don't charge me. You know who to thank. But he charged for the first thing already to be clear. Yeah, well, obviously, he's got to use that one hour quick turnaround search.

He sends her the invoice. It just says God's intervention. Zero dollar. So now she marches into her mom's house and says, where's the book? Now I know what you're thinking, podcast listener. What book? Yep.

The movie doesn't know either. She has remembered off camera that she had a book when she was a kid and maybe her mom gave it to her. Why does she think that? Has there been anything previously in the movie that would make us think that she thinks that? No, go fuck yourself. But she comes in and instantly starts to shock her mom's balls

like an Abu Ghraib interrogator about the location of this book. And to be clear, what you're saying is that her bio mom gave her the book, but she's really mad at her actual mom. Like so she goes home and she's really mad at her actual mom. Like, so she goes home and she's just really mean to the woman who raised her her whole life. And it's like, doesn't her mom have Alzheimer's? She's like, what is the fucking book?

And she's like, I don't know what you're talking about. She doesn't even say the title of the book. She's just like, the book, the fucking book. And mom's like, I don't remember. I didn't save every book from your childhood and literally Julie says remember more stuff mom. Yes, it's so funny all She at one point she says why would you throw it out? And I wanted mom so badly to be like because I was afraid you wouldn't love other books But she donated it to the library. Yeah, so she does remember.

She doesn't have Alzheimer's at all at this point. It's gone, it's over. It's completely gone. She's the gold-breaker with the Alzheimer's for sure. Yeah. So she donated it to the library, but that library closed, so it's probably at the other library.

Why did we need to add that as a plot point? Because we're literally stalling for time. Like my toddler trying not to go to the potty before he leaves for school. Like the first library was closed in real life and they were like, okay, we have to write this. We have to write it into the movie. Everyone who watches this movie will know

that the first library was closed and they'll call us liars. Yeah, there's even that weird thing where she's on the phone with the library and she's like, on first tree, oh, oops, I mean second street. And I'm like, why did they leave that in? No second takes the story of this film. That's so weird.

So she goes to the library, and not only did they keep the book, not only is it still there, but the color photo with inscription that her mother left inside the book is still right fucking there. Yeah. Right.

So nobody's checked out this book in like 50 years. I was hoping that she would open the book and it would just be like a hollowed out spot with a needle in it and she'd be like, Oh, mom. That's not great. This is a terrible thing to do though by the biological mom, right? To like secretly drop off a book without getting consent from the adoptive parents at all and just like sneaking in with a little note, right? To like secretly drop off a book without getting consent from the adoptive parents at all and just like sneaking in with a little note, right?

Also a bad plan because clearly daughter never fucking found it. Never opened the book you gave me, man. It's fucking, it was a bad plan and it was done by a bad person. Yeah, so now she's got to violate some more privacy. So she knows that Geico Caveman is her brother. She calls the number private investigator gives her and is like, hi, is Steven there? And it's like, he's gone for a week. And she said, we hear her saying this, just tell me where he is.

I'll go get him. Okay. Yeah. The guy's like, he's on vacation. Yeah. Right. And then somehow she's given the information information people need to stop giving this person information Yeah, he's like he's in the woods. Let me give you the GPS Also, I just want to mention Steven is actually not the name his name is Stefan For no reason he is not a Stefan. I'm sorry. He is not a Stefan.

This is a Steve, if ever I've seen him. Remember when Steve Urkel was Stefan Urkel? It's not like that at all. Yeah, exactly. But we watched. She has followed him out to his vacation cabin. Just as she pulls up, her car gets steamy caritis that will never matter or have any effect on the movie. No, it does. Well, I on the movie. No, it does.

Well, I guess it does. It does, it keeps her there, it makes sense. In as much as anything in the movie matters, yeah, her car gets. The stakes are about Yehi. Yeah, her car's on fire and he's like, your car's on fire when she pulls up. She finds him in the woods.

Oh, this is my favorite part of the whole movie. Your car's on fire and I was like, fucking judgy, relax, cars do that. Keith's been part. I'm a little booby. Hey, you're a Cars On Fire. And I was like, fucking judgy, relax. Cars do that. Keith's been there. I saw it differently. She pulls up her Cars On Fire. He's like, hey lady, you're Cars On Fire.

He's in the middle of nowhere, by the way. This random woman comes to his house and he, sweetly, like from his yard, he's doing yard work, goes, hey lady, you're Cars On Fire. She goes, what? I can't fucking hear you. She was like so mean to me. I can't hear. He's doing yard work goes hey lady your car's on fire. She goes what?

What are you talking about it's a brand new car she says that as if like it couldn't like be on fire yeah And so they go inside they're having a chat and I love this movie because I think there are two very different narratives going on, and I want your guys' thoughts, especially the pro-stalking thoughts from Kara. So she is like, I'm getting up the courage to tell my brother that he's my brother, and he's like, this lady came here to fuck me, and I'm trying not to be creepy about it. It's like the first 20 minutes someone comes over for a booty call. Like they came over to your house at two in the morning, but you can't be like, so fucking right? Because that's not nice. So you got to be like, so how is your week?

That's the performance he's giving and she's just working up to the you're my brother performance. But he's me doing that. So he's clearly trying to do that, but it's going badly. It felt like they didn't tell this actor the plot point that he was the brother, so he's like, kind of flirtally being like, you hungry? You want mushroom? Well, yeah, like they didn't give him those sides yet. Like they're just going to see by scene because he has a really bad memory. They're just hanging off her torso like Marlon Brando and Apocalypse now. Like learning the scenes moment by moment.

Exactly. So I Googled the cast of this film. This was when I was trying to figure out why they said she had a South African accent when she doesn't. And I found this actor. And I think, I think part of the reason they named him Stefan and not Stephen is because

Somewhere along the line They thought of this guy and by they I mean his agent the Christian movie industry I don't know they thought of this guy as like a sexy phobiotype because all of his photos Have like the hair Podcast listener jump on the IMDB for this actor amazing I have like the hair. Oh wow. And he's like, showless. Oh wow. Podcast listener, jump on the IMDB for this actor. Amazing.

So, Stefan, I think they want us to think this guy is sexy, but he literally looks like the Geico caveman. Yeah. He really does. It's like everyone in his, no one in his life has been like oh no Forehead because of your forehead is why? Intense anyways, he should have the bandage holding in the forehead as a compression for sure So yeah, she finally does tell him that he's her brother and he says I don't like pranks

Okay, he says that and then he's like, did Gary put you up to this? And I was like, okay, who the fuck is Gary? I want to meet Gary now. And what kind of shenanigans is Gary pulling? No, we never meet Gary. What kind of Kara Santa Maria approved shenanigans is Gary getting up to? I want to meet this Gary. Yeah, absolutely.

I love Gary. Gary's my favorite character. Gary's allowed to pop out of Rose Bush at you at three in the morning. Yeah. So that's basically the end of the scene. Yeah. Fabio or Stefan, sorry, is like, I don't want anything to do with this. And then she starts leaving and he's like, wait, don't go. And he pulls out a picture of it looks like Amy Schumer to me, but it's a picture of their biological mom that they both have so Cliffhanger Great time for a break but first let me give a three the hard sell

Will the palliative care team continue sleeping for most of their shift? Will we get to meet adoption prankster Gary? How does this death of scope work? Will we get to meet adoption prankster Gary? How does this stethoscope work? Find out the answer to these questions and more when we return for the Death With Indignity conclusion of A Time for Heaven. Please Mr. Smith, I want to hear your story. Very well, very well.

I started as a boy in this town. Graduated school, went to college. Where? Oh, also here, just like in town. Oh, okay. But then, then I met my beautiful wife. Wow, how did you meet? I just ran into each other, like at a place,

and then we dated, and then we got married and had kids. Okay. And then she died and now, some time later, I'm dying. Oh, sorry, is that it? What? Just, did you have any good stories in there that you like wanted to share? Oh, one time we went ice skating and that was, that was nice.

Jesus Christ, really? Okay, do you have any great wisdom to share? Something that I can really use to carry through my own experience? Uh, be nice to others. Oh, come on. You didn't say you were going gonna ask for advice. I would have prepared something. Look Mr. Smith, people sit by the bedside of old people all the time and just once, once in my entire career, I would like someone to say

something fascinating, okay? Okay, so this boy is in an accident, right? And his father dies in the accident with him. Mr. Smith, that's a riddle. The surgeon is the mom. I know, man. That's only a riddle for sexists. Oh, beans. And we're back. When we left off, Stefan had a change of heart and decided to be in the movie, I guess.

And they go inside his fremen on the land cabin to catch him up on the plot. And she's trying to literally force him to go see the father who's dying because you know, medical ethics. Yeah, she says, we have to go see him before he dies. And he's like, no. He's like, why would it matter? And she's like, well, you know, I didn't tell him yet. Yeah, she's like, as a trained hospice nurse, I like to guilt and shame people. Yeah, exactly. And then she gives him the letter

that the old guy wrote that she listened to and then made him rewrite for some, I don't know what the fuck happened to that scene, but she gives him the letter. And for a second I was like, oh my God, are we gonna watch this Crow Magnet and try to read an entire letter that his dad wrote him? Is that the remaining 26 minutes of the movie?

You have to tell me. Yeah, he's saying no to everything she's suggesting. And then she's like, no, but read this letter. I want to be like, oh, cool. Can I see it? Yeah, yeah, I'm eating it. I'm eating the letter now. So now the movie is going to introduce a ticking clock. No, it isn't.

But it is for now. He's giving Ron some pain bands and he calls. I cannot emphasize this enough, in front of Ron. He's like, hey, Julie, I know you had something you wanted to talk to Ron about, and I just wanted to let you know he is catching a train soon. F-Day is happening right now. So, he words it like this, he goes, I have a situation.

Yeah. Yeah, dude, that's what happens when you work in a hospital. People die. You know, the one that we have in our entire job the whole time. It's, it's that one. Yeah. It's presented like, like Todd, the night nurse gave Ron the 20 minute poison that closes the poison. Yes, it really does seem like he gave Ron a poison. Yeah. But she doesn't get his voicemail because there's no signal out of the cabin. The building is a Faraday cage to be fair. I get it. Yeah, exactly. Once again, Stefan says he will not go meet his dad, but he will

fix her car for her. So now they they go out to fix the car. And look, I wouldn't mention this scene because it's literally going to be a I can't do do this, nevermind, yes, I can scene, except I just have to talk about this moment that happens at the very beginning of the scene. He opens up the car, he shakes his head, he looks under the car, we see that it's dripping, and he goes, you have a leak somewhere. And I wrote in my note, thanks fucking car top, slow down.

Let me get a pen and paper. Sleaking a liquid from the bottom-y area that I tracked. Yeah, but then he's like, I will fix it though Yeah, yeah after after looking at it some more There's also some confusion for me about again like time dilation at this point because it's like dawn Is this what's happened? She goes to his house. No night. It's it's a ticking clock He's gonna die any minute and then at least 24 hours will pass including an outfit change in a hot shower later No fucking idea what the timeline is. Is it a 12-hour poison? Yeah, it's a very slow acting poison Yeah, because again like the night nurse works at night. And so he's messaging her saying,

dude's dying, you need to hurry up and come here. She doesn't get that message. And he's just like staying late in his shift for her. He knows she's- I took three more tables. Can you get in here, please? Yeah. Here's what is actually happening.

Because I know you might be confused, like why is there a car repair thing and also a ticking clock. So what happened is, and this is what I you might be confused, like, why is there a car repair thing and also a ticking clock? So what happened is, and this is what I believe, in my heart, the way that Kara believes you can stalk any woman as long as Kara doesn't like her, right? This is what I believe. I believe what happened is they were like,

well, he said no, so there would be no reason for these two characters to continue talking. So he's gonna put solder on the leak in her car, and while they wait for that to drive, they're gonna have this conversation where he tells her about his near-death experience which changed his outlook on life. Yeah, he met Jesus while his brain wasn't working

because of a car accident. He doesn't say who he met too, they're cowards. They're like, oh yeah, no, I got hit by a car and I met him, which is always what they do, right? cowards. They're like, oh, yeah, no, I got hit by a car and I met him, which is always what they do, right? Because they don't want to say, Jesus, they're just like, someone in the light was nice to me. No, also, he made her soup, apparently. And then he's like, oh, you don't you want the can of fucking weird soup?

Do you want to sandwich too? There's this is like a weird callback because at the beginning he's like, I forged some wild mushrooms and she's like, eww beginning, he's like, I foraged some wild mushrooms, and she's like, ew, and he's like, oh, okay, never mind. And so then he took her soup, and he's like, don't worry. There's no mushrooms in it. Tried that once, couldn't figure it out. Couldn't figure it out, almost died.

Pretty much poisoned myself right there. A mushroom exploded in my face. I met Jesus, that was my only... I met Jesus, he was my other. I met Jesus. He was like, I'm not talking to you this time, man. I already gave you the message I had for you. Oh my God. He's like, I still can't believe you're my sister.

And she goes, I know. Life is strange sometimes. Fuck. Also, she doesn't take the sandwich, which I thought was dumb. Yeah. Just take the sandwich. Oh, she's so rude to him. Earlier when he offers her food, she's like, yeah, it's cool.

I have a granola bar at my door. Yeah. yeah, it's cool. I have a granola bar. Yeah, she's like, no, I have a granola bar and you look like you poison people and then send them through some kind of weird sex maze. So no, that's a good one. And then he literally goes, I like granola bars. And she's like, good for you. Fuck.

It's so weird. It's the stupid. To be fair, Kara, I want to be clear. I want to speak from a place of radical vulnerability. If I was ever talking to someone, I was like, oh, no, I'm good. I have a granola bar. And they were like, I have granola clear. I want to speak from a place of radical vulnerability. If I was ever talking to someone, I was like, oh no, I'm good. I have a granola bar and they were like, I have granola bar. I would punch them. I would punch them in the head and they'd be like, there, that's what you did to me with conversation. Now I've done it with my hands. What happened when I offered Eli an IQ bar once?

Yeah, exactly. I didn't like that it had weird lie mushrooms in it and I'm not afraid to say it. Lion's mane? Lion's mane, lie mushrooms, As I call them in my life. Anyway, I actually asked Kara for the science on that one. So I was like, I got these IQ bars. They have lion's mane. I'm pretty sure my brain is working a lot better now, neurologically.

Kara was like, nope. No, it's not. That's wrong. Lime mushrooms. That's wrong. You're wrong. That's definitely wrong. Everything about this is wrong.

It's OK to be a stalker, though. And I guarantee you it was to debunk me, because I was like, they're lime mushrooms. That's wrong. You're wrong. That's definitely wrong. Everything about this is wrong. It's okay to be a stalker though. And I guarantee you it was to debunk me because I was like they're lie mushrooms and he was like, dear Cara, I don't know. Don't say dear. Hey, Cara. What up girl? No, stupid. All right, but she's driving back, right? I want to point out that at this point, there are 21 minutes left in this movie. We have still not brought the stalker plotline to a close. She has not convinced her brother to come talk to the dad. She hasn't even revealed to the dad that she is his daughter. But she finally gets the message. She shows up at the house.

Wait, are you concerned that it's not long enough at this point? Are you literally asking for more? We need more time. No, I'm worried they're gonna fucking speedrun the end of this movie. They're not gonna be able to close these loose ends and make a great film. Thank you. I agree. Literally, you guys are writing, how are they gonna do all of this? And I'm like, there's too much time left in this movie.

I'm looking at the clock being like, oh my God, no. I have to sit there 20 more minutes. Kara's writing out a DNR. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. But yeah, he has fallen unconscious in this time, which means that she will not be able to do all her revelations to him.

And I wanted her so bad to just start slapping him like, wake up, I have so much movie to reveal to you. Well, it would have fit with the plot perfectly because she literally tells the night nurse, I was gonna get him to change his DNAR. Yeah, what is the A for? She literally says that. Oh, yeah, different hospitals use different.

So I like DNAR better. Some people say do not resuscitate, but really it's do not attempt resuscitation when you say DN are because most attempts of resuscitation don't actually work anyway. Got it. Like if somebody at this point is unconscious, you're not bringing him back.

All you're going to do is induce a bunch of trauma. You're going to break his ribs and scare him and hurt him. Why did you guys put what quitters you are into medical terminology, Karen? That's not a good idea. Like you don't call it chemo, I guess. Like don't do that. Don't add the attempt. That's fucking horrible.

Hey, medical professionals, if you're listening, after you're done reporting Kara to the board of Arizona for pretending to be a doctor, where she prescribed me multiple prescription drugs, can you get rid of the A? I don't want your quitter attitude in medical terminology. Different hospitals use different terminology. The hospital I work at is this DNA.

Yeah, I'm gonna literally go, if I'm ever in a hospital, I'm gonna be like, what do you call DNRs? And they'll be like, oh, we call them DNARs. And I'm gonna be like, no, please take me to a winner hospital. I need some fucking optimism. I'm gonna send you the actual statistics on how many people

own the necessities. No, I know! Look, I know! I know that you guys just break an old man's ribs and then go get a fucking tuna sandwich in the cafeteria. I'm nowhere. We don't need to call it attempted medicine, though. Just like call it medicine. Yeah.

This guy is dying. He is dying. There's nothing you can do. But the point is try to... I'm just saying don't change the words, Kara. I'm just asking you not to change the terminology. I like the words better because I think they're more accurate and they help patients understand. Everyone get ready for Kara's fucking new Grey's Anatomy for quitters. No, here's the thing.

Here is the thing that Eli is perpetuating is the myth. Hope. Yes, it's the myth based on terrible TV shows that somehow if you code, there's a good chance all they have to do is compressions and you'll be fine. That's not how it works. You yell clear and they are fine. Yes, you gotta do the paddle. Have you done the paddle, Scarra? No, this is not how it works. You yell clear and they are fine. Yes, you gotta do the paddles. Have you done the paddles, Kara?

No, this is not how it works. Although there are percentages that look kind of okay about being resuscitated if everything else aligns correctly, the chance that you're ever gonna leave the hospital again is very, very low. And so all you're really doing is inducing a lot of unnecessary trauma. That's not to say that if you're young and healthy, that you should have a DNA or you

shouldn't, right? Like, it's a personal choice. But if you're actively dying and you have a DNA or this is the part that's so fucked up, she literally says to the night nurse, I was going to get him to change it. Yeah, she does. What? Yeah, serious answer, 100% agree that a full DNA are for an old dying person is what you should have.

Well, now that I know what Cara thinks of it, I'm getting one, are you kidding? She's like, no, we just fucking slap you around in the back of the ambulance for, I have no idea what's going on. Can I tell you? I don't even know that organ right there. We still have it named it.

We didn't bother. We call it the death button. So to be clear, because I know that that Eli thinks he's being funny. First of all, it's required to be clear. Nope. A certain amount of actual null. To be clear, attempts of resuscitation are very serious and intense, and they're exhausting, and they're really brutal on the people who are attempting it. You've got to wear big boxing gloves the whole time. It's really, really brutal and painful. And so I'm just saying, they do try. I'm fixing Kara just showing up with a bat

with a bunch of nails in it to the resuscitation. I'm not a fucking doctor. You're a doctor in this state. That's what you told me when you prescribed me several medications. I'm a doctor of psychology, or actually I'm a doctor of philosophy. Okay. Have you looked into why you beat the shit out of people?

I have never. What is your second comment? I'm so intense. Why do you keep kicking people in the balls when they have a heart attack? Okay, I'm going to flip the script now. Eli, why do you think it's a good thing that Julie wanted to change his DNR? Because you use the BB paddles and then they're back to life again. Better than ever, stronger. So she's your hero in this film is what you're saying. Julie is my hero. Okay, just want to clarify.

Anyway, I have another doctor question for Kara the doctor. For stethoscopes, are they hard to use? I have no idea. I've never used a stethoscope because I'm not a fucking doctor. No, I'm saying philosophically, is it hard to use a stethoscope? Cause this scene starts with Todd spending,

I don't know, a good minute being confused by the stethoscope on his head. Yeah, he's really baffled by it. Yeah. So now it's big baffled by it. Yeah. So now it's big final monologue to dad time. She lets him know that she forgives him and that he can go to heaven now. And I wrote in my notes when she says

you can go to heaven now. I wrote, okay, well, we didn't see him except Jesus. So he will be going to hell, ma'am. I need you to stick to your mythos here, okay? Yeah. Also, I wrote she forgives him. She should be thanking him. This woman is horrible.

Sure is. This man gave her up for adoption because he couldn't care for her. And she had a wonderful life with wonderful parents who she treats like shit. Yeah. Like, I hate this woman. Don't like her at all.

No, is that the rule though? So yeah, she gets back in time. He's not dead, but he's unconscious. She starts giving the speech. I forgive you, you can go to heaven now as part of the speech. Is that in any Christian set of rules? I don't think so. I don't think that's in Amethos.

No, I don't think any of them have a, if your daughter forgives you at the last minute, myth in there. I think what they're trying to, so from what I understand from this movie, it's quote based on a book, like it's based on a quote true story. I don't know how much of that is true, but I think a book that a hospice nurse actually wrote. And so they, that's why they had to do the second library because somebody was like, I'm the script supervisor. That one, shut down.

One, shut down. The book. And so this scene to me is them attempting to reflect what does often happen in end of life, which is that people do often hold on and it's not uncommon to have those kinds of conversations with people that they love that says like, it's okay, like you can go. Like I'm gonna be okay.

I don't need you to hold on for me. I said it to Noah when he had his heart attack and he kept being like, I'm fine, I'm home. And I was like, no, let go. Of course you were good. Let go. Stop running your one finger down my lip, stop. Keep Eli as far away from me as possible.

I kept trying to close his eyes with my hands and he was like like get off me. If I ever have a medical emergency I do not want this man anywhere near me. Oh excuse me, I tell you the people in the audience right now if they're thinking about who they want in a medical emergency they're probably going for the boss rather than brass knuckles Santa Maria over there it's gonna fucking DNA kick your ass are all right friends. I want to see a poll I want to see you guys put up Twitter poll you're dying

Care that you want to hand you a rose at 3 a.m. And I call it do you want to attempt to Specializes in Or Eli Bosnick, professional court jester who will break your ribs just for fun as you're dying. Just for fun. All right. Speaking of fun stalker, it's time for us to resolve our stalker shaggons, right?

So we get a quick montage where she's nursing, but he's unconscious and we get a little bit of her doing a dream flashback to the day her dad gave her away. Oh, but you also get, wait, wait, you get that night nurse who I love spills the tea. Oh yeah, he just goes and tells everybody what's happening. Yes, as part of that montage, he's like, oh my God. And then it turns out he was her dad

and we see all the perco workers being like, oh my God, so good. And I think he's like, narcing her out. Oh yeah. But turns out later they're all like oh this is great. Oh god I hate this movie. Yeah he does knock her out but that's their reaction. The boss is like, ah no, I told her one last conversion of her religion. She gets one more. But even he like winks at her later and it's like I told them so that they'd be nice to you. It's like, oh God. We wanted to get you something nice for your birthday.

So we let you break patient confidentiality. Right. So now it's time to resolve stalker stuff. The brother is there. They're talking about the dad and who should show up again. But Kara's favorite character. I do like Nathan. Kenneth.

Nathan. Nathan, that's right. He can't even remember his name. I do like Nathan. Kenneth. Nathan. Nathan, that's right. He can't even remember his name. I don't remember his name because I didn't love him as much as you did, Kara. I do like Nathan. He brings her roses. Now look, and we've given you a lot of amazing advice

and I've said a lot of really important and true things on this week's episode. But I want to send a message to our audience at home, okay? Which is statistically, if you're someone's brother or sibling or whatever, and you catch someone stalking them, statistically, they're the person who's gonna kill your siblings,

so you should kill them first, right away. Just do it there. I feel like on the property, it's the official position of puzzle and a thunderstorm. L, L, C. I understand you in my heart, but I feel like it's a nope for official legal reasons that that's illegal.

To be clear, I am a guest on this show. I do not, I do not affiliate with nor employ. DDS in the state of Arizona, that you must kill anyone you find on your siblings property. But I love Nathan. After dark. Okay, I don't doubt that that's true about Arizona, but. Yeah, that's probably true.

I don't know what's the best policy. Oh, also, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. This is very important. Nathan is stalking her at her house and she's there. Why is she there? Cause her shift was over. Yeah, shift's over. What's she gonna do?

Fuckin' sit there? It doesn't matter that her dad is stalking her. Yeah, my dad's my dad, but I fucking did my eight hours. Okay, we're not getting overtime this week. Christine told us there's no overtime this week. We can't do it. But yeah, Kenneth shows up, he puts him in a full Nelson. Nathan. Nathan, Nathan shows up.

Wow. Caveman puts him in a full Nelson. Devin literally looks at her and he's like, you want me to break his legs? It's like, whoa dude, overkill. Exact words. Overkill. She's like, that's specific. I guess no, but. Let's not do that.

And she does explain like, he's just a sweet guy who worked as a security guard on a job at a hospital. Yeah, he used to walk me into my car. Yeah, he was like keeping her safe and he has a crush on. And it's so mean. She's like, I don't like you. Like it's the first time she's ever told him.

Like up until now, she's been like, I kind of like it. Yeah. You're saying it's her fault for leading on the stock. No. She's leading him on. Interesting. That's the opinion of Karisana Maria. I'm just saying that we see her for the first time be very clear and say I don't want to have anything to do with you.

That's all. But before then you think she was too vague and kind of deserved what's happening. Well, I don't think she did. Well, she only deserved it in so far. She's a horrible person and deserves anything terrible happening to her. Okay. But none of this was terrible. It's like her neighbor keeps coming over. That's like how they set the whole thing up.

Like, oh, that's just Nathan, he's harmless. Yeah, well, the music is pretty sure that's what's happening. Exactly. It's like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Yeah, the music has switched entirely to like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Yeah, that's why I'm very confused by this whole thing. I'm very confused.

So Nathan goes away, he's done in the movie now. Yep, without broken legs, luckily. Yeah, the brother is there. Yeah, he did not break his legs. The brother's there and she's like, what are you doing here? And he's like, oh, I wanna meet my dad. And she's like, yeah, well, he's unconscious.

So do you wanna go stand by his breathing corpse? And he's like, sure. Yeah, the movie's over at this point, and they're just tap dancing. Yeah, she might as well say, why is there still more movie left to go? Yeah. So yeah, he does the like,

hey, I read your letter and I forgive you. I was too distracted by the fact that she turns and sees flowers by his bedside, picks up the note on the flowers, because of course we know that she loves to snoop and reads the note and they're not to him, they're to her. They're flowers to her. It's like her boss is like,

take all the time you need converting this sack of shit. I really wanted it to be Nathan, who's just like, look outside the window. I know, right. He's like, look at it, look at it. I'm scrapping it. I'm scrapping it so hard right now. Oh, I can't with this movie. And then, and then my favorite, this guy comes all the way from the woods and is like, I changed my mind. I read the letter. I want to meet my dying dad. You convinced me. They're there for five minutes. And then she's like, okay, you should probably head

out. And he's like, yeah, I'll leave now. Yeah, no, I gotta go to the old country buffet. I want to hit up Gander Mountain before I head back into the woods. What? But so they're sort of like making small talk near his body. Yeah. And he's like, so you watch people die. And she's like, yeah, some are great. And some of them are filthy fucking atheists. Yep. And he's like, oh, he's an atheist. And she's like, yeah, yeah, it's too bad. And then he wakes up so they can undo his atheism.

Yeah. And she's all excited. She's like, oh, he's awake. I can do my speech now. Okay. And I wanted him to die again right there. So instead. Oh my God, it would be the best movie.

Okay. In my DNA, can I write absolutely no religion stuff? Nobody can say a word about that in my deathbed area at all. So you're mixing up the DNAR with the Advanced Directive, which is an easy mistake to make, apparently, if you're a hospice. So DNAR is just the one thing. Do not attempt resuscitation. That's all it is. And Advanced Directive has a lot of those kinds of wishes.

I'm actually going to have a DBAR. Don't bother attempting resuscitation. That's all it is. And Advanced Directive has a lot of those kinds of wishes. I'm actually gonna have a D-B-A-R. Don't bother attempting resuscitation. Because it doesn't fucking work anyways. Oh my God. I'm Cara Santa Maria. That's what my bracelet's gonna say. It's still the little heart thing you buy for grandma. But it just says like, don't even bother.

That's what it says. It says don't even bother. It says don't break my ribs, asshole. That's what it says. It says, don't even bother. It says, don't break my ribs, asshole. That's what it says. Asshole. I'm an atheist. Don't jump off the turnbuckles onto my throat, Kara. Can you have like exotic wishes in that advanced directive thing?

Like, do they have to do whatever you say? No, an advanced directive is a document that identifies who your healthcare proxy is. So it's where you list a lot of specific wishes, and it's more specific than a DNA, right? It might be like, I don't want to be intubated, or I want to make sure that I, you know, you don't use CPR, but I do want to make sure that I get oxygen or something like that. But the whole point of it is that they're going to, if you're unconscious, you can't tell them these things.

They're not just going to look at the document and do whatever it says. They're going to go- You can't just write on there like, put an entire Cornish game in my ass before I die. Okay, that answers one of my questions. It's more that they're going to go to your healthcare proxy. Yeah, they're going to go to your healthcare proxy

and say, we're having a situation where they Well, what if my proxy is like yes, that's what is he's make me your proxy make me Okay, here's what I want to do. I want to have that thing say I would like to be converted to Christianity by Kevin Sorbo But also I would like Eli Bosnik to be there and do the Cornish Hen thing Cornish game Hen they but it has to happen at the same time or I'll go to hell Yeah, so let me just specify that none of these things you're talking about our medical thing So no this would not be in your I think they have to do it

I don't know if you've ever put a Cornish game hen up your ass, but medicine gets involved pretty quickly Kara And I know a lot of emergency rooms in the state of Arizona. Do not attempt to Cornish, Hanme, do it. Fucking do it. Yeah, do it. Believe in yourself. I want to be a fly on the wall during Keith or Eli's deaths in which the other is their healthcare proxy.

Okay, I mean, it's probably gonna happen in my... Not their wives, by the way. Yeah, no. That's how they're choosing to go out. My wife will just drop my DNA. All right, so he points up at heaven, right? He wakes up, they're like, we're your kids, and he's like, thumbs up. And then he points up at heaven, which this movie totally does like a counts he's Christian

thing. I want him to be like, no, I'm pointing at the bathroom. I got a shit. Yeah, no, he definitely does movie deathitis, which is the like, and now a half smile crosses my face and gently close my eyes. Yeah, that's the movie. We get a little exit monologue here. She says that remember those letters?

I sure fucking didn't, but she's like, remember those letters? Some people forgave him, some people didn't. Oh yeah. Me and my brother are friends. And then we close the movie on this weird scene of him being like, spider, and she's like, oh, and he's like, I'm just kidding. And then they fuck.

Yeah, it's like, they're hanging out. They've decided to be real life brother and sister now. And they're hanging out in the woods at his house, playing in the river. Yeah, yeah, they're rock skipping. And this was almost my best worst. He's like, you get in the hang of this. And then we show him, they show him trying to skip rock.

And it goes so badly. And that's a cut right away, cause no skipping happens. And then she doesn't even get a shot at the thing she's getting the hang of in the movie. Yeah. All right. I think we're going to wrap it up on a time for heaven, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we found another terrible movie. Eli, what's on deck? Well, Heath, every so often, the mainstream decides to go full religious nut bag. And when something lands on my Netflix this crazy, I'm just too tempted to say no. So we'll be watching the first episode of the

Netflix drama, Messiah. Okay. Thanks for not bringing me for that. Yeah, you are welcome, Kara. You are welcome. All right. Well, with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode 443 to a merciful close. Huge thanks to Kara for joining us, as always. Kara, you got any cool stuff coming up? Actually, with the SGU, we are going to be in Dallas

for the Great American Eclipse in early April, and we're gonna be doing some live shows, some private show recordings, and also an extravaganza. So make sure you go to the Skeptics Guide website and see if you can join us in Dallas, Texas. Excellent eclipse stuff. And of course, a big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity. If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a pair of episode donation at patreon.com slash godawful. And that'll get you early access to an ad free version of every episode. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the scathing atheist,

citation needed, the skeptic rat and D&D minus available in all the podcast places. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email God awful movies at gmail.com. Our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of the evil giraffes on Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Kara and Eli, I'm Heath, promised to work hard turn another chunk next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with the animal house clothes. Julie went on to reverse the next guy's DNA are so they could keep him alive just long enough to accept Jesus and also break his ribs during compressions as Jesus and apparently Eli Bosnick wanted. Yes! Stefan and a Crocoduck went on to prove evolution even more. Statistically, that stalker guy killed Julie. I'm just saying, just saying, according to the numbers. Probably right. This is what you do. You post this on YouTube with one of those real time, like, um,

stock market trackers of people. You know, when they pull like the presidential debates. I want to get the audience members. A live react. It's a live react. Yes, that's what I want. And then whoever loses has to do an iPhone notes apology. Whoever loses has to be at Eli's bedside. Yes. Whoever loses has to be at Eli's bedside. Yes!

Yes! When I die, but also just generally, I'm going to drop in the ceiling of your house and just start doing CPR on you so often in the middle of the night. That's a threat. That's a deadly threat I learned today. It's not going to be ceiling cat. It's going to be like ceiling Eli for the rest of my life

I don't want it Too late you already lost the ball. We've already decided that but say it like you mean it you fat Is that a callback to something? No. Just tell Eli talks to me. You like it. Sorry. We're so close. We got this. I have to go jerk off. We got this.

I can do the other. The Proceeding Podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2024 All Rights Reserved.