God Awful Movies - 444: Messiah (Netflix - Episodes 3 and 4)

Episode Date: February 20, 2024

We're joined by Thomas and Matt from the Opening Arguments podcast to break down the religio-legal insanity in episodes 3 and 4 of the Netflix series Messiah. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. --- Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts --- All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

According to the show, right, Jesus has been arrested for illegal entry and what the stakes of the show will now be about are whether or not he can be extradited to Israel. Mmm. Uh, kind of. I was going to say, I actually had no fucking idea. Is that how it works? Those are some words they use, yeah. Yeah.

God awful movies. Movies. Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie!

Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! I am excited, Heath, excited for this week's guests. So am I. Long time coming. All right, we also have veteran masochist Thomas Smith. Not him.

Opening arguments podcast. We've already had him on the show. Not many other podcasts. Yeah, Thomas, I'm excited about Thomas. But Eli's not. Thomas, welcome back. Oh, thank you for having me. I want to thank Eli for the appropriate energy though, because what a gem.

What a gem we just saw. Good. What a gift. Good times. We've been given. Oh, yeah. We also have first time masochist Matt Cameron, also from Opening Arguments. Matt, welcome to the show.

Hey, everyone. I am so excited to share the good news about my good friend, Hot Jesus. Yeah. We're gonna be watching a movie about, definitely that's correct, Hot Jesus. So Thomas, tell us. And how.

What movie about Hot Jesus are we gonna be breaking down today? We watched Messiah, the show, the Netflix show, episodes three and four. Yeah, it's a show, not a movie. And Messiah is a show, the Netflix show, episodes three and four. Yeah, it's a show, not a movie. And Messiah is a show that asks, what if God sent Jesus back to earth, but he did absolutely nothing,

but sits still in different places? This is, that might as well be the whole show. You know, you say, hot Jesus, every scene with Jesus in this show could end with someone just being like, well, it's good thing you're hot and then leaving. Like that can really be, he doesn't say anything, he doesn't do anything, he just sits.

Yeah, but he's hot for sure. So hot. We all agree. He's so hot though. We all agree. I expect it out of him. I mean, he's in a twink way. Like if we're all into like five, one, 97 pound Jesus,

then yes. Yeah, correct. Yeah, so we're all on the same board. I think he's a little bit rugged too, you know what I'm saying? He's got the cheekbones. Yeah. No, he would smell like a cool thing

that you would read in a romance novel, like how you wouldn't think of it, but then someone would be like, he smelled like olives and lemon skin and you're like, yes, I do want that. I do want that. I was smelling it. I was not called that shot,

but I do want it now. Amazing. Literally, I have to share this. When I was trying to explain, I do want that. I do want that. I was smelling it just now. I was gonna call that shot, but I do want it now. Amazing. Literally, I have to share this. When I was trying to explain this show to Chalmers, I couldn't remember the name and I Googled, can you possibly guess, Hot Jesus Netflix. I came right up. Yeah, that's a true story.

Some other fun stuff comes up when you Google that. Yeah, I was gonna say, Matt, I know this is our first time meeting and everything, and I hate to come on so strong, but there's no way he didn't just see that on your browser and you were like, oh, I was looking. And he invented an entire show to justify it. Got an awful movie, yep.

And wrote it in 10 minutes, and that would actually fit. That actually makes sense. Yeah, explains a lot, yeah, explains a lot about this. Thomas, we gotta do God-awful movies, and we have to do about how just... We have to do it right now. I paid a very specific amount to this young gentleman's only fans. Which is more well-crafted, this show or that AI Seinfeld that went on for eternity?

Because I think that the AI Seinfeld had more human touch to it, I think. Significantly, yeah. A lot more TLC going on in that one. This is definitely about Jesus Nothing, for sure. That's a good deal of that. Yeah, just sitting there smiling. All right, Matt You chose Messiah for this episode Why is my question? I guess find like a glowing review or something. I don't make you watch my porn Matt So I did find it at a glowing review I'll start with, but this is from Dan Feinberg of The Hollywood Reporter. If you're eager to watch Messiah,

dot, dot, dot, enjoy. My saying it's a badly made show. It doesn't make it exist any less. Sure. Here you go. So yeah, why this particular show? How did you choose this? Of all the bad shows, I know. So I've been working on anger lessons with Thomas and I just realized when I was rewatching this, I'm not great at getting angry.

I really don't get annoyed. I'm pretty easy to get along with. And Thomas has been trying to, you know, liven me up. I'm the opposite of that. Exactly. We're an odd couple, Perry. But once in a while, I got to get mad about something. And as I was rewatching this, I realized this is it.

This is my senior thesis in anger. I'm gonna tell you very quickly, I'm here in a legal capacity. I'm the other person on opening arguments for the moment. And I'm gonna talk about the law. I specifically practice immigration law. I specifically deal with a lot of the situations that we see in this show.

Well, they're trying to be portrayed in this show. I'm gonna tell you. No, it's just like that. This happened a while, it's the color. I think you're gonna be a national trial, old man Rickens. Yeah, but I just want to be clear with the listeners upfront, the deal we're gonna make here. I'm not here just to tell you,

oh, they used INA 212 instead of INA 237. No, and real heads know what I just said, but I'm here to tell you, everything about this show is wrong. Just everything, this is not a bit. I really mean this, which law enforcement agencies are involved, how they detain and charge hot Jesus,

the charge itself, which court they send him to, who's prosecuting him, the relief he's seeking, the arguments his lawyer makes in support of it, which kind of judge is involved, they can't decide whether this is a state or federal case, literally not determined throughout the show. That's why we're here folks, it's bad. Are the seats in the courtroom faced the right way at least?

Like is there anything, Matt, that they got right? I would give them credit for portraying the inside in the courtroom face the right way at least? Like, is there anything, Matt, that they got right? I would give them credit for portraying the inside of a courtroom. Okay. They did nothing that happened inside it was correct. But I wanted to say, if this was a medical drama, we'd be watching the guy come in with a broken leg and they start doing a heart transplant.

That's what we're looking at. Yeah. Yeah, no question. All right, and Eli, tell us how bad was this show? Well, if you love the soft smiling smug satisfaction of every time someone's ever played Jesus on our podcast, but you wish they focused more on the how to handle Lazarus's life insurance payout of things,

you will love this movie. If I can peek behind the curtain slightly for our audience, when Thomas and I talked about this, Thomas was like, hey, Matt's got what he really wants to do. It's Messiah, the Netflix show. And I was like, oh, we don't usually do TV shows. He was like, trust me, they get everything wrong. And Thomas was like, episode three. As we're going to go over episode three, nothing fucking happens.

And I was like, why does Matt wanna talk about this? And then luckily, Matt was like episode three and four. And episode four made it all worthwhile. It is the pinky to the sphincter of Christian cinema. And I am deeply grateful for it. Okay, but episode three is important foreplay for that. So we do that. Oh yeah, sure.

Set you up, gives you the context. All right Is there anything y'all would like to nominate this thing for being the best at being the worst at? Well, I could say Best worst cell phone related anything We'll get to it but to give a little preview of the first scene the very first first scene. It's nighttime. A man has gotten out of bed. The woman's still in bed. She hears what is obviously a phone call vibrating, right? How do I know that? Because it vibrates exactly like a phone when you get a call, which is, whee-yum, whee-yum, whee-yum. It's a persist. You're getting a phone call. She wakes up. She says, hey, someone's texting you.

No, that's not what's happening. Someone's texting you in perfect rhythm. Yeah. Yeah, it doesn't end there. It's obviously called. She goes to the phone and what does she see? It's neither a text nor a call. It's a fucking tornado warning.

Which why wouldn't her phone be going off? Why would his phone just be going off and be vibrating like a ringtone? It would make that piercing noise. Remember when the government told us like, hey, the random time your phone, all of your phones are gonna just go fucking nuts. And it happened, remember that?

It would be that. Why would just, his phone is the, the tornado texts him personally. It's like, hey, I'm in town. I'm headed by, oh, he used to date the tornado. That actually makes a lot of sense for the movie., Hey, I'm in town. I'm headed by the date, the tornado. That should make a lot of sense for the movie. Nevermind. I cracked it withdrawn. Okay. In terms of the cadence of texts though, I've occasionally been like a

little nervous about texts. I was going to write it and I like typed them out ahead of time so that I could like do one sentence, send it like a not crazy person. Five seconds later, approximately do another sentence, send it. Oh my God. This explains a lot. Yeah, it really does. If it takes that much thought for you to text,

that's why I never get text from you. So it looked like I was just naturally talking, just natural, normal text. Can you just pass this clip along to your therapist? I think it's more useful for them than it is for the bunker. I don't have a therapist. Okay, anybody else for a best worst?

Episode four is the best at having the worst script ever written to annoy me specifically. I really appreciate that. Great work, guys. And I will tell you, I found the script writer. I looked him up. I know who you are. You're Twitter, you look like a nice guy. I'm not going to name you, but you've got this coming. You deserve this. All right. I was going gonna go with best worst protest signs So there's a couple of courthouse scenes and outside of the courthouse there's the people on different sides with their protest signs They're so very stupid and silly. I'll just mention one right now. I'm pretty sure there was one protest sign that just said

You that's it. Just like you. You are. You, I protest you. So weird. Or is that the best protest sign? Or is it the best one? Because you can bring it to any protest. Yeah, they get it. That saves you money on tape and sticks. You can get a really nice sign, like really do it up, get it professionally made. Maybe that person just follows protests like, what's one of those bands, the Grateful Dead or something. They don't even care what the protest is, they just go from protest to protest. And they have a sign that works everywhere. Their partner was like, you're spending thousands of dollars on Oak Tag, this is crazy.

It's like, I'll limit the Oak Tag, this is crazy. It's like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Fine, I'll limit the Oak Tag budget, yeah. And I'm gonna go with best-worshed villain because I need to explain what happened for this show to our audience. So here's the thing, audience, they were writing this show, it's not very good, but they were trying their best and they were like, great, so he's this guy, he's in the Middle East and he's trying to get back to Jerusalem

and they won't let him just like it would happen really with the Messiah so who would try to stop him and they were like the CIA or the secret government and they're like you can't be the CIA they care about America so they were like what are what are some spy agencies in the Middle East and the guy was like I don't know man I don't know anything about any government guy was like, I don't know, man, I don't know anything about any government. He was like, we'll just make the bad guys massage. It doesn't have quite the Jack Bauer effect they were going for. We'll talk about it when it happens.

Yeah, it's funny to say that because I thought the real villain in this was the ACLU lawyer. Yeah, well, sure. Yeah, obviously. That's what the movie is saying. Yeah. it's confusing. I have questions about that. All right, we will get there. But first, we're going to take a quick break, and then we'll be back to tell you all about Messiah, episodes three and four, with the really bad law stuff. Oh, you wanted to see me, Dad?

Jesus, there he is, my big guy. Hey, I've got good news, buddy. You're going back to Earth. Oh, wow, finally. I gotta tell you, I was starting to think the whole before this generation passes away thing was a bit of a fib, you know? Ha ha ha, I mean, kiddo, unless there's a 2000 year old

dude walking around down there, you're kinda already in that soup. Well, I'm sure it's fine. Right, yeah. Anyways, you're headed down and you're gonna appear in Nazareth with your followers. On the border of modern day Israel? Is that gonna be okay politically? Um, no.

No it's not. But I'm sure you'll work it out when you're down there. Right, but like there's governments now and treaties and stuff won't mean my followers like possibly start a war? Very possibly, kiddo. Very much so. Right. Dad, any chance I could maybe show up and announce myself in a way that doesn't cause an international incident to no benefit. Kid, I'd love that, but we kind of already called our shot with the book.

Called our shot with the book, yeah. Now I get it. Great. Thomas, are these people podcasts in an abandoned warehouse? No, but it's just where they said to meet them. Weird. Oh, hello there! Matt. Well, if it isn't Matt.

Guys, what are you doing? Why are you standing behind his screen? No reason. Just thought Matt might like to check out our bulging muscles before we pod. Check the bod before we pod. That's what we always say. Always say that all the time.

Okay, this is silly. Come out from behind there. No, don't pull the- Ah! Really? They tape balloons to themselves? Yeah sorry Matt, we wanted to get really ripped before we met you but working out is really hard. Yeah have you ever tried a sit-up? It's basically impossible. Physically impossible. Does it make sense? Yeah.

Yeah I mean guys if you wanted to mix up your gym time and maximize your results why don't you try FitBud? What's FitBod? Seriously, Matt, seriously? He didn't even pause. Wow. Sorry, what did I do? What? Don't worry about it. FitBod is a fitness app that creates

completely personalized workouts that adapt as you improve. Whether you are seasoned gym goer or you're starting your fitness journey, FitBod will push you to make progress. It's like having your own personal trainer, but better. It's cheaper and you can work out anywhere, with or without equipment, and it's easy to build a custom fitness plan that works for you.

It's true. I downloaded Fitbot when they became a sponsor. I love how the app can change my workout based on the equipment I have available, whether that's squeezing in a quick workout at a hotel or a fully stocked gym. That's why I, Eli Bosnik, personally endorse Fitbot. Wait, wait, wait, you already knew about Fitbot?

Yeah, but I had the store credit for the balloons. That's fair, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, Thomas, I'm in. Where do I sign up? Add Fitbot to your workout essentials. Join Fitbot today to get your personalized workout plan. Get 25% off your subscription or try the app free at fitbot.me

slash gam. That's F-I-T-B-O-D dot M-E slash gam. All right. Well, looks like next time we pod our bots will be ready. Heck yeah, they will be. Thomas is everyone in podcasting like this? No, it's that's pretty much just them. Got it. And we're back. So before we start, I'll catch everyone up on the amazing plot from number one and two episodes. Don't worry, won't take long. So the guy shows up in Syria and does not do a miracle.

A bunch of people are like, whoa, a miracle. He smiles. To be clear, his miracle was saying something would not happen and it didn't So he's clearly the Messiah and hundreds of people follow him into the desert and they enter Israel The guy gets arrested then he vanishes from jail somehow and appears at the temple Mount in Jerusalem and gives a big sermon On the Mount it's very subtle the guy is called and gives a big sermon on the Mount. It's very subtle. The guy's called Almazi, which means the Messiah

or the Anointed or the Traveler or one who cures by caressing at the sermon, a kid gets shot and then caressed back to life by this guy, not great. And then Almazi vanishes again. So there you go, you're all caught up. From there, we cut to the state of Texas, because fuck you. And a girl is packing up her stuff into a bag

to run away from home, I think. Yeah, and just, we'll get to this horrible show in a second, but I do have to point out, because you're probably thinking, wait a second, did Heath just say he brought a child back to life? But the show is not ready to go full, he's totally the messiah yet. So the way they missed a direct away from that is like,

I wasn't looking directly at him when the kid came back to life. So you're like, well, maybe he switched the kids, right? Fucking Michael Cain's gonna come out and show us a squished kid under a platform or something. I was just gonna add a historical point of fact here that actually Almasa also means the antichrist for Muslims. So weird choice. This entire show is banned in the kingdom of Jordan because of that.

How would they do that? It could just be because it sucks though. It could be because it sucks. I mean, if we could ban it from America. If I were a dictator, there's a lot of shows that would ban because they just fucking suck. Exactly. Sure. First and foremost, Glee, then the show. Glee is amazing. We're in a fight. Okay. Okay. I'll let, Glee, then the show. Glee is amazing, we're in a fight.

Okay, okay. I'll let the Gleeks come for me. So, this is the daughter of the town's local pastor. I'm gonna tell you that because the show will not tell you until... No. I'm gonna say 30 minutes into this 38-minute episode. Oh, but Eli, the show will tell us why she's running away or nope anything about the family at all No, no, no, no will not yeah, no, so she's packing up We also see her dad and this is the preacher of the town. He's also Sneaking out yeah, and so he goes into his church and he's

Deactivating the smoke alarm while holding two goes into his church and he's deactivating the smoke alarm while holding two comically large gas cans. Whatever could he be up to? Deactivating the smoke alarm. Like, all right, this little beeping is gonna give me away. That's the real problem here. Not the pouring the gas everywhere and then raging fire.

If someone hears a beep, it's done. And on his hand, it says like, step three, set fire. And he's like checking it off. I said on fire, yeah. So just as he's about to, you know, go and set his church on fire, there's a tornado warning. And I wrote in my notes, okay, you gotta admit,

it's pretty ironic that you're in the middle of destroying your church. And then a tornado comes around and destroys your church. Right? Is that a thing you prayed for? Is that God doing you a favor? Like how do you read that one? What is that message? Yeah. So then we cut over to the church again. The guy's wife, the preacher's wife wakes up and he's like,

literally holding the two gas cans and she's like, hey, what you do? And he's like, nothing. Doing a sex thing with gasoline is a better thing than the real answer. Just gassing up the old church. Just a little low, you know? Would you believe Kettlebell Ladders? I'm doing Kettlebell Ladders. But she's like, anyway, there's a tornado and we really blew the special effects budget of this show on it, so we should go run away from it.

Did you guys also think that the tornado was going to like blow out the fire? Because I actually thought that's pretty good. Aw, that would have been awesome. Not in my house, bitch. This director clearly wanted to make a tornado movie. I mean, there's some good tornado shots in here. And coincidence, there is now a twisters,

a sequel to Twister, the film that we all know and love so much. Maybe someone was watching Messiah and thought, you know what we haven't done a little while? Tornado stuff. Keith, I don't think I've ever asked you this. Were you like me where you had four VHS tapes as a kid and so you've watched those four movies a million times?

And one of them was Twister, yeah. I watched Twister so many times. I know every, I've watched it in 30 years, I know every line. Yeah, Twister, runnings karate kid 2 and The cartoon Robin Hood movie And you didn't turn out a furry Cuz that's that's like if you watched an army recruitment tape every afternoon Hate to break to you. I just don't do furry stuff with with you. I know we're like oh

That's the worst. The personas are all getting mixed up. Matt, you furry? You like put on a big suit, get fucked. Fuck other people. Ed, you might not with my new. Why? I'm trying to bond with him.

I'm trying to bond. Nothing happens in this episode. I made the mistake of stepping away from this conversation. I think it's called boinking. Yeah, thank you. So yes, by the way, case anyone's wondering Matt Cameron convicted furry All right, definitely a crime. Okay. Yeah, it'll be very in future America

It will be that's head on over to opening arguments. They'll tell you why anyways So now they're gonna run around the house. They're like two-room house looking for Rebecca Like she's just gonna be silently making a peanut butter sandwich in the corner Maybe she's editing. I don't know sometimes Can't get phone calls at that moment. Oh, it's a good thing. I don't live in tornado country cuz yeah Oh, yeah, you would be just sucked up into the vortex. You'd be in the middle of it I'd still be editing though. I'd be in the you'd see me spiraling around. I just got the laptop editing though I'd be in the you see me spiraling around I just got the laptop

getting this weird hit still can't fucking Matt get this audio this guy there's always hissing to real also there are two guys in their car trying to outrun a tornado don't worry they don't succeed but I think that's largely because they try to juke the tornado with several sharp turns

yeah you got to do a spin move there, not a juke, obviously. Yeah, I think you're supposed to take three lefts in a row and then the tornado doesn't fall, or no. Right, exactly, can't find the same pattern. Maybe if you turn enough times, it'll be like, that's not a car, it's another tornado. How's it going, Chris? You pull over and your truck holds up a newspaper

and the tornado goes right by. Exactly, yeah. One other thing I have to touch on in this scene, the tornado goes right by. And you're like, okay, exactly. One other thing I have to touch on in this scene, and again, I know nothing happens in this episode, but I do have to talk about it. No, nothing. The preacher is gesturing everybody into the tornado shelter,

and the yada-yada that this actor has chosen is all the way in, as though there's been a problem in the past of people being halfway in the tornado shelter. Remember what happened last time? Oh, idiots. I want that one, Kirk. Oh yeah, oh that's right.

All the way, yeah. He's missing an arm. He's like, yeah, I remember, okay. I do remember now. There's always that kind of. The guy in the disaster movie, he's there to stand there by the door and be like, this is where you go downstairs.

I wanna know how all the town dads negotiate who's gonna be that guy. Oh, that's a big fight. That's a prized possession. Yeah. That's a big fight. No, get in there. No, no, no, you get in there. I'm doing this. No, get in. Come on, everyone. You know, come on, everyone. I'm doing that too. We can put. I can do that better. I'm a bet. Hey, come on, everyone.

You know, they probably fight. It's break out. That's how most men in tornadoes die is just not wanting to be the first to go in among the men. Yeah. And at this moment, Jesus, we're going to find out is just standing there, but we just see a guy standing there like fucking Superman ready to punch a tornado as it comes at him as everybody runs into the shelter. Yeah. And someone's filming it too. Yeah. Some random guy's filming it. And the pastor's like, Hey, fucking Kyle Kyle stop doing a live stream of you know The guy getting killed by a tornado right now. This is why I said all the way in Kyle I know this is gonna get subscribers, but I need you I need you to follow so yeah

We get the title credits this show is called Messiah. We're gonna cut over to our CIA good guys now Matt as our legal expert Do the CIA just kind of hang out waiting for signs and symbols? For the savior. Well, they do have a Jesus tracking department. That's very important to understand. Yeah, they have a whole unit. You have the CIA.

Of what we believe at this point are Syrian terrorists in Israel. Well, so there is one place in the world that the CIA can't do business. Anybody know where that is? The bedroom America the United States of America and we're gonna see them doing a whole lot of business in our country So that's coming up the idea of the jurisdiction of the CIA is gonna get thrown around a lot I just want to be clear right up front the jurisdiction of the CIA is the world pretty much they follow I mean they're doing illegal stuff all over the world But they can't do stuff here

You're gonna see a lot of doing stuff here. And when they did stuff here, you might remember they did things like give people LSD without their knowledge. They did. Yeah. We don't let them do that anymore. I was about to say, I feel like they do stuff here. Oh, they got to slip Jesus some LSD. That would be, maybe they did. That's why he just sits. Oh yeah. He's just on an acid trip. The entire, that makes sense now, okay. But it's post-Snowden, so you know how there are phones

and after Snowden, every stupid person who's written a movie or a television show assumes that like, we're tapity tap tap tap away from seeing anything that's ever been shot on a phone. Look, I'm gonna pick my moments, but just to give a microcosm of the stupidity of this show. So you've established it. It's a boardroom of the CIA,

who I guess from the past episodes, they're trying to find this Jesus guy, right? They were like, that's our number one job. We gotta find Jesus. And one of them says, look at this and holds his phone. And it's the viral video of Jesus in a hoodie surviving a tornado. And we get not one not two but I

believe three times that whoever's like the in-charge CIA person has to be like well all right stop that what are we looking at no watch the video all right I don't see anything there's no no keep what you like do you not understand that he would be showing you evidence that Jesus is there like she tries to stop him three times and he has to say, just watch the video three fucking times. That's the dialogue of this goddamn show. Just say what's going to happen in your video to start man. So that you don't keep talking past each other. Yeah, you start it with, hey, someone saw Jesus and then done. You don't have to do the three times of asking. I literally wrote in my notes, this is like me sending Heath and his fiance way too many tiktoks and they stop responding. Okay so the CIA's response to this is like all right well

scrub the entire internet we can't have the son of god doing miracles in a video on the internet that would fuck up our whole thing. This can't go viral. You know we have that button that's like erase all of the internet do that. Yeah, you know your grandma will occasionally be like can anyone see my posts? I think I'm shadow banned from posting Myrtles Graham cracker crust recipe. They she wrote this part of the yeah, she wrote this part of the movie. The damn CIA. And then we get a guy from Homeland Security showing up at the church. Now here's the thing this scene takes takes up, I'm gonna say,

seven minutes of screen time. We watch him get in his car, we watch him drive his car, we watch him pull up to town, we watch him get out of the car, we watch him walk up to the church. It won't matter. He's literally just the guy there to arrest Jesus and he will never have any effect

on the proceedings of the show, but fuck it if they were not gonna fill 38 minutes in this first episode. So yeah, a guy shows up at a place So now we're gonna cut inside the church where the preacher and Christ of Nazareth who has returned to earth are making Small talk awkward small talk But not good small talk right not like oh so that was a But like a like a new girlfriend who he's been talking about

breaking up with a whole bunch to you privately and you don't know how much she knows, that kind of small talk is the kind they're having. I will never understand why people react this way to meeting Jesus, you know? Like if it was me, and I'll go with it, like I'll go with the thing, it's, oh, I believe in him, it's Jesus,

I'm sitting here, I'm talking next to Jesus. I'd be like, oh, okay. So I don't need to like try or do anything because you're here, so everything's under control. You would God do everything now, right? I don't, what should I do? Why am I even caring about anything? But they're always like, what should I do?

Where do I go? My reaction would be complete nonchalance. I'd be like, oh, well nothing matters now. Okay. Cool. Yeah, this is great. Yeah problem solved Yeah, also, I like I like we learned something about the dynamic between Jesus and his dad God here for a second

Mm-hmm so Pastor Felix is talking to Jesus and he asked him like okay So, you know a lot of bad stuff happening in in Palestine I guess you were working on that and then then you came here to my little town in Texas. And Jesus says, well, I go where God takes me, whatever. And so like the dynamic is God is like a little league dad and Jesus doesn't wanna play baseball. And God's just like, go play fixed stuff in the world that I fuck up that I invented.

Yeah, but he seems like awkward with Jesus. Like he doesn't want to bring up the miracle he just witnessed him do, but that's okay. Before they can actually get to the meat of the conversation, FBI cop man, unincorporated shows up to arrest him. Now, man, as our legal expert, that's how it works, right? Just a guy comes in and says, you're arrested on behalf of America.

Because I saw one guy who might have crossed the border. I got to tell you about this. This is the first place in the show where I stood up and could not sit down again. It gets a lot worse than this, but this is the point where it's like- And not just because of the first suit. Yeah. And those tails are hard to sit on, you know? He knows! See? We're uncovering, there we go. We're cracking open bugs. Please do not out my new cost of overgardments as a furry Eli, at least wait a month.

Our audience is accepting and loving of the furries. Can you delay this recording at least like a month, man? I just gotta get, you know, Not after what happened with senior pets. I can't do this. Okay. If these pictures come out. Thank you.

But okay, let me tell you about 8 USC 1325. And I'm telling you about that because the agent specifically walks in and says, I'm arresting you under 8 USC 1325. So we know that's what he's doing. That's the illegal entry statute. And illegal entry is kind of like drug dealing. You have to kind of catch the guy in the act. This is 90 miles from the Mexican border.

I happen to know, because I know where Dillie is, 90 miles. You're not gonna get arrested for illegal entry, 90 miles from the Mexican border. I happen to know because I know where Dilley is, 90 miles. You're not going to get arrested for illegal entry 90 miles from the Mexican border. Oh yeah. For all he knows, Jesus went through the proper channels somewhere, right? Like, just like flew in normally. He doesn't know he did that. It's not, that's not a statute that's enforced in the interior for good reason because you have to find somebody pretty close to the border and prove that something got here. And the reason this really matters is because there's going to be a really open question for the next hour and a half about exactly what court Jesus is in and what charges he's

facing. Now we're being told straight up he's facing a criminal charge under 8 USC 1325, which carries up to six months in federal prison. But one dude, and it's in an FBI agent, not DHS, and he's an FBI agent who's a member of the Joint Terrorism Task Force, has driven, who knows how far across Texas to this rebel pile to arrest Jesus. One dude, probably driving past tens of thousands

of undocumented people in the way, right? This is not something that the federal government does. They don't just wander around looking for undocumented people to arrest. They have a lot of other things to do. Yeah, you'd think. So now we cut over to bad massage guy. He is torturing a teenager, don't worry.

This will never affect the plots of the movie or anything to do with what we're going to talk about. So let's see, we get a shot of the Messiah powderly looking out the window while he's driven to detention, I guess. Yeah, he's just looking at Texas all fucked up. And he's just like, God, it's fucked up here in Texas. Why did I come here? I was crucified.

This sucks here. But if you want to know, they're like, oh, man, we do have to put some dialogue in the show because then we didn't do anything. So they're driving, they're just driving through the nothing. And Jesus Christ, the Son of God says, oh, it's pretty empty out here. Yeah. Texas, huh?

And then the guy, the agent's like, yeah, no. That's it, that's, oh, that's the scene. That's the whole scene. I wrote this in my notes, I'm thinking of a thing. Is it that you're the Messiah? Yeah. I just love it. I love it.

You can't write for God. No one, even a good writer would have a hard time, but you can't just definitionally, because it's a stupid concept, you can't write for God or Jesus. So all you can do is vagueness. That's all you can do. So he has to say, every Jesus character,

ever and everything, you guys are the experts at this, they have to barely say anything, look a little bit like, just kind of out of it. And if they utter anything, it's like it's a nothing deepity or a nothing. And that's all they can do. Otherwise it would blow the whole illusion. Yeah.

I really, he should have been like, I gotta take a piss. Can you pull over please? I'm so sorry. I have really bad diarrhea. And also you can't tell anybody because the Catholics had a big fight about whether I shit it all in the 16th century. And it's like a really big deal for them. So we cut back to town.

This is where we're going to introduce Matt's favorite villain of the program. This is where the preacher got him one of them fancy ACLU lawyers. Matt. Yeah. got him one of them fancy ACLU lawyers. Matt, so quick question. Do you have to pull strings to get the ACLU to take up again? What favors do you have to do and does it involve your fursuit that canonically you are wearing during this record?

I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that and I'm going to tell you that if you've been on TV, you can get the ACLU to represent you. You don't have to pull strings. That's not how it works. It's calling in a favor. And like the guy for the rest of the season, the series, the guy actually did a huge favor.

He actually, one thing refers to it as retaining Jesus a lawyer, which would suggest he made it paid for it. We're very clear that nobody's getting paid for this. But yeah, we'll be talking about the ACLU. I hope the ACLU charges this guy for the free lawyer. You know, we don't usually charge people, but for you, my friend, 700 bucks an hour. But, you know, I do want to say

just a huge opportunity lost here because in my show, because there's a version of this, I would write where you're deporting Jesus. I think it could work. You get hot Jesus hooked up with like a scrappy local, small town, Texas immigration lawyer. That would be fun. That would be like a whole series I'd watch.

But the ACLU lawyer is just really stiff and villainous, like weirdly villainous. It's terrible, so badly written. Yeah. And I love the idea that he got him a lawyer, as you say. It's like, hey, give me the ACLU. Hey, ACLU, I've got a hot tip for you. It's the one case the whole country is watching right now.

Yeah. Go do it. That's my tip. I did it. Exactly. My tip is that you should be there. Yeah, but I will say, if you wanted an amazing social commentary show, Jesus going through the regular immigration court process,

just like, what do you mean you deported Jesus because there was room in the van? What's, ah, I gotta find, no, this isn't Jesus. This is a guy named Jesus. You can't give me a different guy. Oh, and this is one of my favorite moments. Cause this is in every TV show where CIA lady, she's doing CIA stuff in America the way Matt has already

established they're allowed to do. And she gets a call from her boss being like, hey, CIA not really supposed to be doing a lot at home. And she's like, give me two days. And her boss is like, well, we do have a 48 hour grace period. I know, I, oh my God, that's same note, Eli. Every time, I'm always like, how do they come up with that?

Like, why is, and it's always some unit that's either like 24, 48 hour. It's never like, wow, you guys look at my watch. I think you have about 24, seven hours and 13 minutes if I see it right. It's always exactly 24. Let's get through this LSD. Yeah, exactly, yeah.

I wanna know what that deadline is and how they have an answer to every movie, every show. They always have an answer. You've got 24 hours. Why? What is that? You can use the magic pumpkin to deport Jesus for two more days, that's it.

And we learned at the end of episode four that this woman who's calling her is actually the director of the CIA. So I guess she's getting like personal calls from the director who's like, yeah, okay, fine, couple of days. She's falling up with like- She's a hands-on manager, Matt. She's really getting in there. She's mixing it up. She's putting weekend hours calling. Hey, director here. How's that Jesus tracking? What are you doing right now? This is also where they establish the stakes of what will be the next episode.

So I think it's good to talk about talking about it now. According to the show, right? Jesus has been arrested for illegal entry and what the stakes of the show will now be about are whether or not he can be extradited to Israel. Kind of. I was going to say I actually have no fucking idea.

Is that how it works? Those are some words they use, yeah. Let me tell you. All right. So, let's just spit ball this here. If Jesus were actually arrested and were actually wanted extradited to Israel, they say later on he's being extradited because he started a riot, which is a crime that basically matches up with a crime we have here. I don't know what federal crime it would be, it doesn't matter. But as long as it's like a credible claim that he's committed a crime, you stick him on the plane back to Israel. That's what you're doing.

You're not arresting him for an awful entry. You're not detaining him in this weird immigration facility we'll talk about. He doesn't have any ACLU lawyer. You don't need a lawyer for extradition proceedings unless you really want to fight him. So that never happens. That would have been a very short show though, I guess, if he just gets extradited his room. He just instantly gets that, ah, shit, now I got to do the weird jail escape thing again. But very importantly, because I have to point this out, this will be the dramatic arc of the whole show, everybody. CIA lady pulls over to throw up, which if you're conversant in movie, means she is either pregnant or has cancer. Yep, those are the two options.

Yeah, exactly, but she's a lady, so come on, we all know what it is. All right, so now CIA lady's all done throwing up, so she is going to show up to interview Jesus. Oh my God, it's so good, it's so good. But FBI, who we currently think is Homeland Security guy, doesn't wanna let her interview Jesus because of jurisdiction?

He's probably like, what the fuck is the CIA doing here? That's the appropriate reaction. Okay, they argue about jurisdiction for a second and her argument is, okay, but Hot Jesus crossed from Mexico into the United States. Mexico is a word I just said. Mexico is not a man. And Defi, I guys like, you get the time to mention, right?

He's here now and that doesn't matter. You can't even be here. She's like, or can I? And she will be for the rest of the movie, doing work in the US. My jurisdiction. The way that she threw that around, I'm sorry. I just like, the word jurisdiction gets used several times

in this show, never correctly. And it doesn't get used in other times when I'd really like to know what the jurisdiction is. But I will say, I did learn, I did some research on this show. There was one consultant on this show. And you wanna guess what that consultant specialized in? Makeup consultant for Hot Jesus.

Hair consultant, hair consultant. This is great if they exist, yeah. Well, there's one thing he wasn't and that was a legal consultant. We did not have a legal consultant on the show, I'm not surprised to learn. Oh, Torneño consultant. The one consultant they had

was somebody who specialized in CIA. Really? So they think that they paid somebody to tell them what the CIA does. And this is what he gave him. Yeah. That person can't work in the United States though. No, yeah, whoever that is should be fired.

Yeah. I bet that was like Moishi who's been on our show was just like, I could be a CIA consultant. They were like, here's a thousand bucks. Thanks so much. And then we're gonna get, this is the wrap up of episode three. We're gonna get three scenes that don't matter.

So I'll go through them very quickly Israeli guy member Israeli bad guy He's gonna dump that teenager that he was torturing in the desert then he goes and drinks outside of his ex-wife's house And then in the final scene of the episode which I found very disturbing The CIA agent is washing some bloody sheets. So I was like, wait, was she there for the the interview of the teen? Was she part of the torture? Are we going to find that out later?

It will be answered in episode four, but the episode literally ends with her just watching bloody sheets move around in the laundry mat. It was very confusing for me. But wasn't she staying in a hotel? Yes, she's in a hotel? Yes, she's in a hotel and it's revealed that she might have had a miscarriage by showing some blood and now she's washing her clothes.

And there is an important metaphor at the laundromat. Bit of imagery, yeah, I thought it was over here to bring this up. So there's a bird in the laundromat. It's so bad. And she sees the bird just flapping around and she's like, you're not where you're supposed to be. They tried. They're like, someone convince them. They're like, guys, we got to get something. I know we do a lot

of slow motion, droney, nothing. Give me one metaphor. And they're like, okay, how about a bird that's stuck? Sold. Yeah. Stuck it out goes worse because they're like that's stuck in the laundry mat. It's like stuck in the laundry mat, it's not where it's, oh, okay, that's good. But how will anyone know what that means? And he's like, well, no, you just do it, and then it's evocative. We'll cut right after that, and then it'll be. You're supposed to think, and they're like, no, they won't know what it means.

Have the lady say, this is a bird that's stuck in the laundry mat, and then that will make it work. And that's what they do. They ever just say what the metaphor is, because they're God forbid. God forbid, they're like, This is a bird that's stuck in the laundry mat and then that will make it work. And that's what they do. They have her just say what the metaphor is because they're God forbid, God forbid that we sit there and think about it for a second.

Right. She says that out loud and then you watch her be like, Yeah, to no one. Be like, wait a minute. No, that's nothing. That's nothing. I didn't know anything. Yeah. They tried to do a metaphor, but it literally flew away.

It's great. You hate to see it. I sure do. And that's the end of episode three. So we're going to do a metaphor, but it literally flew away. It's great. You hate to see it I sure did and that's the end of episode three So we're gonna take a quick break and then we'll be back with episode four of Messiah Behold my children for though this tornado destroys your town. I have saved your church Messiah quick question. Please. It's al-messaya. That's... this is a different language. Anyway, sorry. My question is why?

Why what? Why did you save the church? Oh, because I am the Messiah. No, no, we got that, but like, you could have saved pretty much any building and we would believe that you were the Messiah. And we'd have food. Right, food. Oh no, I saved the church because I'm God, guys. Not the Jolly Green Giant.

Okay, but now that you're here are you gonna like make us some food, magically? Or fix our houses? No, I told you guys guys my miracle was saving the church Okay, so your miracle just to be clear was to watch our town get destroyed except for the building dedicated to you Just that one and and now you're gonna leave Yeah, I mean it sounds like God to me. Yeah Got us there. Okay. Matt, thanks so much for agreeing to help us with the second ad.

Say no problem. Yeah, sorry about the muscle stuff. Yeah, we just got nervous. I understand, it's fine. Okay, great. So this is for Mint Mobile. Yeah, we love these guys. And this is a script right here you just sent me.

Yeah, and you're just going to read that part right there. Okay. Hi, I'm Matt Cameron. If I had you're just gonna read that part right there. Okay. Hi, I'm Matt Cameron. If I had a nickel for every client that is in jail forever because they dropped a call, I'd have dozens of nickel. Guys, this isn't true. It's for the ad, just go in. It's just for the ad.

Okay, fine. That's why there's Mint Mobile. Mint Mobile offers premium wireless for 15 bucks a month. All plans come with unlimited talk and text and high-speed data delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. So you wanted up in jail for crimes you didn't commit like so many of my guys, I'm not supposed to lie like this. It's called motivating the customer mathematics.

Exactly. I'm sorry, do you think Matt is short for mathematics? He does definitely. Just go ahead and continue. Choose from the three, six, or 12 months' plans and say goodbye to a monthly phone bill. Mint Mobile gives you the best rate whether you're buying for one for a family or at Mint, families start at two lines. Use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and keep your same phone number along with all your existing contacts. Switch to Mint Mobile and get your first three months of premium wireless service starting at just $15 a month. That's way less expensive than jail.

That's true anyway. Matt, please. To get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month and then get the plan shipped to your door for free, go to mintmobile.com slash gam, G-A-M. That's mintmobile.com slash G-A-M. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash G-A-M.

Additional taxes, fees and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. Nice. Thanks. Yeah took him long enough Hey guys, sorry. Where I miss ooh, ooh. Nobody say anything Thomas. What do you think Matt is short for? Matthew bless you now answer the question and we leave soon And we're back when we left off we were watching literally the wash cycle at a laundromat. Yeah. Nothing. Correct. Which I think was supposed to be evocative of the diarrhea that you feel when I don't know. Yeah. Honestly, that's all I thought of when it was sloshing around in there. Another sweet metaphor. And now we get a cold open on a

close up of a brain scan. Somebody has brain movie cancer. Hey, podcast listener, let me do you a favor. It's me, your buddy, Eli. You will be confused about this brain scan until the last literal second of this episode. So let me not waste your time. This brain scan, not about anybody you care about. Now, she is the CIA lady we were

just talking about. She's about to be in hospital for, as Heath mentioned before the break, she had a miscarriage. She had a miscarriage of her dead husband who before he started chemo for his cancer, not the cancer we saw earlier in the show, a different cancer. Okay, to be clear, it's a miscarriage not of her dead husband. That would be weird. Right. So her husband, coomed into a Cadbury egg a certain amount of times before he started chemo, she's been trying to in vitro fertilize herself. If you want to know how the show gives us that particular bit of information, so we have a gynecologist or whatever who's just nagging, harassing the CIA lady about her miscarriage.

So we got brain cancer, we got a brain shot of a brain tumor, and then we get straight to her, and I'm like, her brain caused miscarriages? Is that what they're trying to tell us? That is the only way to interpret it if you watch this in a letter and we don't tell you. Yeah. Yeah. It's the only way to interpret it. And then we get a harassing conversation. And then finally, because this doctor is giving her such a hard time, she's like, she's like, where's your husband? Where's you want me to call your husband? You want me to call your husband? She's like, he's dead. He banked his sperm before he died. And then she says, oh, I'm sorry. But I feel like they should have said that after that he's dead,

not because it sounds like she's sorry that he banked his sperm. Yeah. That's how they present you that information. He's dead. He banked his sperm. Oh, sorry. Also, detail about this very sad, dark conversation. It happens while Ava is the name of this woman, the CIA agent. While Ava is like in the stirrups, like legs. I feel like if you have a long, dark conversation, you let the person like sit up. Put on their underwear?

I've never been to an OBGYN. Yeah, you let the person like sit up. Put on their underwear. I've never been to an OBGYN. Yeah, she's not currently giving an exam. Like, yeah. Seems like just sit. I actually have been to a lot of these heath. Okay. I've been to several, just almost a two-digit number of these appointments, kind of, not

for miscarriages, but related. And yeah, usually they're pretty nice and they don't make you sit in like the ready to put a hand in you position unless they're actually going to put a hand in you, you know? Like- That would have been my assumption. Usually they have some common decency. Imagine if you went to like the proctologist or whatever you needed. I just like my office to smell like open butthole.

I just like- Yeah. I like people to air them. The moment you get to the proctologist, you have to bend over and open it. Yeah Not only that like after the after the exam where they've already done the like gonna, you know stick the finger up your butt pretend That's already happened. Then he comes back in the office to like give you the news. He's like, we'll get back in the position though like Tologist

I'm a proctologist. I'm not here to psych you. I'm not a psychiatrist, okay? Your asshole is ready. Spread your ass, chinks. Okay. So that incredibly confusing scene. Now it's time to take a look. We're over at the detention center, and the ACLU is going to talk to Jesus. And again, as Matt pointed out earlier in the episode,

the ACLU are supposed to be like the uncooperated nitpickers of the law. So she's like, sure you don't want to tell me all your deepest darkest secrets, Jesus. And he's like, I'm Jesus Christ. I don't care for the ACLU. This conversation starts with, I'm the best at what I do and I am going to win this for you, which is of course what I'm always saying. I'm always saying. You announce that to clients? All the best lawyers are always saying that. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm the greatest messiah based anti-deportation attorney in the country from the ACLU. In case anyone hasn't gone through, I don't know, like a bunch of legal proceedings. No, they don't really do that. They're pretty modest. They don't, yeah.

No, they mostly just send you bills. In my experience, it's a billing-based profession with occasional disappointing statements. If a lawyer says this to you, walk away quickly. Yeah. Yeah. But then there's this conversation after she says she's the best ever, where she tells him straight up, you're not getting bail, you're not getting out of here, which is the opposite of what I'd be telling him at this point because you've got somebody who's internationally famous at this point doesn't have access to a passport, which is kind of a problem But he's gonna be sticking around. He's not going anywhere and there are a bunch of people ready to take him in right? There's his pastor is already obsessed with him. So this is a bail case. I don't understand I'm just from off the top. She's telling us she's not a good lawyer and she's gonna prove that over and over again every scene

Well, she also says yeah, I'm gonna win this for you. Also, you're gonna lose is what it sounds like. Which okay, literally true because this is an illegal entry case. And she thinks that they've got him nailed, which is really funny because again, they found him. I would love this illegal entry case. Show me the illegal entry. Yeah.

Where's the video? Like where's any evidence he was anywhere near the border? That's what I want to ask. Do a little OA for us. What? Okay. He's charged with the illegal entry. What would she need from us. What? Okay, he's charged with illegal entry. What would she need from him? Like, she's the lawyer, she wants to go defend Jesus.

What's she asking? Like, you take that case, Matt. What are you asking and what do you need from him? What are you doing to try to get out of this? Well, the first thing I'm telling him is, do not under any circumstances talk to the judge, which he's going to do, obviously. I think she's only going to be that.

But no, I should explain before we get too much deeper into this, that this criminal charge is for illegal entry, and that is something that was actually used during the family separation disaster, because that was what caused it, was Jeff Sessions was doing 100% enforcement of the illegal entry statute to everybody they caught coming through. It doesn't apply to the situation, but usually what happens, and what's been happening, you know, for all of my career is That people are not charged with illegal entry They're charged and sent into immigration court for illegal presence unlawful presence, which is a civil thing and it's a completely different

procedure different judge. It's not in the judicial branch he's supposed to be going into a court that's in the executive branch that the president has full control over as we'll find out later and This is just the beginning of it. But just the idea that they didn't take the time to figure out whether he was charged with a crime or not, because they keep throwing around back and forth. I'll mark this as we go. All right. So now we get our shot of the detention center general. And I like that this TV show made to show us see nobody's in a cage. I mean, it's Except for Jesus Christ. And I like that this TV show made to show us see nobody's in a cage. I mean, it's

Except for Jesus Christ. It's kind of a baby. It's a cage. Big cage, but they're not small cages like you expected. They have everyone, they have women, children, families out on the floor. And he gets like his own batting cage. Yeah, I'd be mad about this one guy getting like an unsweet cage of his own. That's got a bullshit, right?

How in this situation would Jesus not give up the bench? Come on. He's got the whole bench. But let me tell you, again, I've been to a lot of ice facilities. I know what goes on down there. I mean, he's supposed to be in CBP detention or these circumstances. It's cool, right? It's awesome.

They treat him real well. And anybody should do a night or two there just to enjoy the food. But the thing is that this was made in 2017. And this goes, I have a theory, very firm theory that this is not helping with, or it is helping with, I should say, that there was no great art made during the Trump years about the Trump years. We're not, maybe it's still coming,

but this is a desperate attempt to try to tell us about Trump's immigration policies and it fails so badly. Because I guess for me, because I wanna see what he was actually doing, not Jesus in a cage with some people that he'd never been a detention center with, facing charges that don't make any sense. That's just me. Yeah, it's like, you remember that scene in All the Lights We Cannot See where he's like, someone should write this book, but I don't know that it should be us? That's how I feel about the writer of this television show is like, yeah, someone should write this book, but it definitely shouldn't be episode four of Messiah, you fucking idiot.

Yeah. I mean, and then the dilly thing too. I mean, I was thinking about that, like God has bad aim if they're trying to make a point about family detention, right? They should have taken out the facility, obviously evacuate everybody and then, you know, tornado takes out the facility. That would have been nice. First, he unlocks all the doors. Yeah, exactly exactly he's got a plan and everything sure but she also gets a call at this point Eva the CIA lady who has a name thank you gets a call from un not homeland unknown and she picks up like a crazy person right she picks up and how did she get she had a dramatic escape from being like

Detained because she had a first trimester miscarriage like we're keeping you here for observations. Oh my god It's so funny. It's honestly my favorite moment is she gets a call from cop guy and he's like Hey, you can come illegally interview Jesus and she's like great and we watch her pull out her IV like Straight out like I would give anything crazy billionaire remake. She pulls it straight out. She just gushes blood. She's like, oh shit, almost killed myself. Why does she have an IV? Okay, whatever.

So now it's time for her big first face off with Jesus. Yeah. And it starts with a shot of sex hair that he has. It's like a shampoo commercial star Oh, yes an interrogation also and look we'll talk about the specifics of this But can we talk about the fact that she doesn't really seem to pick a tactic right now because she comes in With like a who I'm one of your followers and he's like don't you work for the CIA and she's like I'm a bad cop I got me right to firm of a switch, too firm.

Now, I'm literally following you. Yeah, the point is that like Jesus Christ is the world's greatest rogue spy and he's evading the CIA and Mossad and everything. What makes this scene different? He's the Mospire. Fantastic. What makes this scene difficult to write

is what the fuck is she trying to do?, what the fuck is she trying to do? Great question. What is she trying to do? What is she getting out of this? What does anyone want here? What does it matter? What could she do in this situation? Let's say she's 100% effective and she absolutely cracks this guy who is a Syrian spy pretending to be the Messiah.

Weird fucking tactic. But let's say it works, right? And he's like, yes, I really do miss mama and papa back in Bayone, New Jersey. Which he's, there's nothing you, the CIA can do. You know what, I'll have a word with my boss who I fucking text all the time, apparently. I think that could be useful here. Like most of the job of a CIA officer is pointed banter with a prisoner and you trick him into something. Like you get you do a verbal trap and then you win. Yeah. And then in this case, the Messiah is like, okay, what's that? Keith, tell me what it would be. I ordered the code read. What would it be?

So there's nothing. There's no inf... These people are so fucking dumb. There's no information she needs. There's no, there's nothing she can trick him into saying. No, there's nothing. They try though. They show us. She's like, can trick him into saying. There's nothing. They try though. They show us, she's like, listen, I can help you if you cooperate. And he's like, yeah, I'm the son of God, I'm all set. I don't need help with anything. I got a guy, thanks though.

And she's like, what if I'm part of God's plan? And he's like, you are part of God's plan. And she's like, so, don't stop. Don't backseat my, you know, no frenzies backseats with my weird plan. And I also, I just have to include this because, hey guys, what's the best book ever that Jesus would absolutely make reference to

if he was there? Catcher in the fucking rye is what they went with. Seriously, they're trying to do this banter moment. And if I'm bantering, I'm doing pointed banter. I'm in the CIA. I'm trying to do this banter moment. And if I'm bantering, I'm doing pointed banter. I'm in the CIA. I'm trying to trip up Jesus Christ. And during that banter, he makes a literary allusion to fucking catcher in the rye.

I'd be like, come on, really? You're the son of God. You're going with a high school book. So bad. Reference. It's so bad. You could say that I am the giver. In a way, we're all killing the mockingbird. I'm the great Gatsby.

Okay, relax. Yeah, so he doesn't cooperate, but he does do. Now, I have to point out, because again, this show will do this throughout the entire show until the very last episode where he brings a guy back from the dead in a field full of flowers, spoiler alert. But the show will do like a, does he have powers or does he not? And so the way they try to do it in this scene is that he cold channels her, but like, kind of accurately and kind of not.

He's like, you are working on a Sunday. And she's like, yeah, well, sure. And he's like, also you had a husband. Yeah. He's at the exact note. He's not even better than a run of the mill, like cold reading psychic. He's like, and you have a husband

and I'm seeing someone with an S name. Who has an S name? Anybody? You're the only one in this room. Does that resonate for you? He knows what day of the week it is. That's his week. Yeah, exactly.

He's not supposed to be working. Might be workaholic. I don't know. That's an easy one. And, but she is rocked by this information. She's like, holy fucking shit, get out of my head. Seven of diamonds? What the fuck is happening?

Yeah, the Messiah. So she leaves and FBI comes in and this never comes back, it doesn't matter, but I do have to point it out. FBI comes in and removes a recorder the size of a fucking pumpkin from underneath the... The fact that the first thing you... It's just a phone, isn't it? It's a phone, yeah.

It's a phone. Huge phone, yeah. Oh, okay. I thought it was supposed to be... Okay, that makes me feel so much better. Yeah, it looks massive. I think there's... It starts with a close-up on a phone, to be fair to you.

He saw a very large phone, I suppose. Yeah, I saw this note, Eli, and I was like, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. It's just a phone to be fair to you. He saw a very large phone, I suppose. Yeah, I saw this note, he lied and I was like, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, it's just a phone, it's an iPhone. Oh, okay, I thought it was supposed to be a secret, he hid his phone under the table. That makes me feel a little better because I thought it was supposed to be a secret recorder.

So when he came in and pulled out this brick sized object, I was like, ooh. This raises an interesting question. What does he want? What does he need in this? What is he trying to do? Why is he hanging around? What does anyone want? There's nothing. What does he want? Oh, I'm gonna hear that they talked to I don't know. There's nothing. There's fucking nothing Something with the word jurisdiction is all I have. Jurisdiction is the perfect. Yeah, I'm gonna find out who's jurisdiction.

Jurisdiction is crime. Yeah. In the recording, it's gonna be her being like, it isn't my jurisdiction. Got her. Got her. Nailed it. I had a quota of one, illegally entry case this month, and I am seeing it through.

Exactly, yeah. So now we're gonna cut to CIA lady talking to her boss. They're having an argument about whether or not the CIA can detain him. Matt, help me out. What's going on right now? The lower line, I wrote it out. He's not under CIA jurisdiction on US soil. You know that. This is from the director of the CIA to an elite Jesus tracker.

I think she knows that. I think she knows. And she also just told somebody 20 minutes ago that this was her jurisdiction. So she's gonna keep quiet about that, I guess now. But again, reminding us, the CIA should not be doing any of this. And then reminding us once again, in case we've been listening,

Israel also wants him extradited. So that would solve the problem. If you wanna get him out of here, you don't have to detain him, you don't have to try them with any of this. And then they say things are being handled, which I think is very funny, because that's not happening.

But unless this is like the one thing we're trying to say no to Israel on, he's gonna get extradited. I was just gonna, does this show, maybe that's the confusion. Does this show think that like Israel is like Russia? Right, and that we're in a Cold War with Israel. If Israel gets them, we'll never,

what are you talking, we give them billions, especially this is, came out in 2020, I guess it was made earlier, but like, yeah, we give them everything they want. There are closest fucking ally in the world. Why would we be worried about him going to Israel? It doesn't make sense. The idea that we would be choosy about handing a terrorist over to Masaad,

not super accurate canonically speaking. They're implying throughout all of this that like pretending to be the Messiah is like a serious international crime. That's the only conclusion I can draw from. Like 8 USC 1325, which is what she told you about. That's one thing the UN actually does agree on. You're not allowed to do this again. You're not allowed to pretend to be the Messiah, yeah. All right, but now, but now it is time for Biffelton Bethesda and writes best worst

It is time for Protest signs and my friend he did not begin to tell you how bad these Protest signs are one of them literally says the tornado is your fault Yeah, I could teleport better asshole as the tornado is your fault. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck it, teleport, better asshole, the sign. Yeah. Couldn't have done an open field, huh? Yeah.

Oh, are they protesting God then? Are they, I don't, who's protesting what here? Oh, it is not clear. First of all, there's no like good side, bad side. The protesters are quite literally just milling about in the background and are accordingly confused because some of them are like, I'm here for Jesus. And some people are like, I'm here for Jesus.

I can read it. Okay, the two sides would have to be. The two sides would have to be one side is either he's real Jesus and therefore don't hurt him or also just anti, you know, our immigration system. That would be one side, right? The other side would be, nah, fuck him, he's a terrorist, right?

It would be like, fuck him, he's a terrorist, immigrants suck. That would be the two sides. You would not have a side that is, well, I believe that he is the son of God and therefore the tornado was his doing, but I'm anti him, You know, like I believe he's Jesus, but like I'm criticizing his job. Yeah, this shitty job, yeah, exactly, got him. That's the centrist of him. He's like, guys, guys.

The media introduction to this, I just have to point out over the terrible protest signs. They say a spotlight has been shown today on the president's immigration policies. And I'm just sitting there like, what policy? What is like detaining hot Jesus? Like that's the policy because walking into a church and grabbing one guy and charging him with a crime that he can't possibly prove 90 miles from the board what is the policy I don't know yeah we're to believe we get

a shot of who the chief of staff later or something and we're to believe that the present this is supposed to be Trump right the president supposed to be Trump yeah we're to believe that he's like hey this Jesus thing is giving us a bad image we wanted to secretly do the's like, hey, this Jesus thing is giving us a bad image. Climb it down. We want to secretly do the, do the separating, no, they wanted to do that for attention. Like it's literally the opposite. They want, they would want this. Yeah. Oh, it's great. Does Jesus, does he have a young child we can separate from Jesus? That'd be great. Can we do that too? That's what they would want. Yeah. Well, and as his lawyer, his extremely good ACLU lawyer says in the next scene

Whether he entered the country illegal or not is beside the point and know that is literally the entire Charged with illegal entry. That's the name of the May have murdered this man Or is like what is not argue about who killed who Whether or not it's like the money python or is like, let us not argue about who killed who No, that's the trial. That's what we're doing. Okay. Were they setting up like a blood feud in the republican party between like Okay, well, obviously, you know, Jesus Christ son of God were pro that but Arab-looking guy crossed a border. So like, I don't know which we think more important. And I think that is what's happening here, right?

Yeah, well, we all know which would happen. They would just be anti-immigrant. That's all they would do. But they didn't do a good job of any of this. And I would like to point out that the ACLU lawyer who's the best and the best and the best, sir, is so great. She starts to try, the judge is like, all right, let's, I don't know how any of this works, but

somebody start talking is how the judge starts it. She's like, all right, let's, I don't know how any of this works, but somebody start talking is how the judge starts it. And she's like, all right, I would like to say something. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night is a tight deadline. I don't know what's happening here, but I think that this is bad. And that's like her opening statement. She's like, this is too fast. I'm not prepared. She's opening the trial the same way Thomas opens opening arguments now.

It's just like, I didn't get it. I'm shy. I've been in a crazy horrible week. I just, but what happened, Matt? Like Matt might as well pop up and be like, well, I'll sum it up for everybody who has said. Well, I do have to stop for a minute and point out which court we're in because before we talk about this courtroom scene at all,

we got to set up what the court is. And I can't tell you because again, I'm gonna try to break it down as quickly as possible. I don't wanna get in the weeds too much, but you have to understand just when I rattle these words off, how stupid this is. So there's a placard behind the judge that says executive office for immigration review.

That's the immigration court. So that's an executive court that the president controls that is not a judicial court. So great, it's an immigration judge except that he's considering a crime which immigration courts don't do. The government is called the prosecution which would suggest it's a federal district court who is being's considering a crime, which immigration courts don't do. The government is called the prosecution, which would suggest it's a federal district court where he's being charged with a crime, but he's being called the respondent, which is what you call people in immigration court.

So it's just a big old mess. And she's trying to apply for convention against torture relief, which by the way is completely the wrong thing to apply for, for somebody who's just got here, who's not an aggravated felon. I don't know what she's doing. I mean, he's eligible, you got asylum right there, and she's not asking for it. There's a lecture about expedited removal, which is something that only happens with ICE, doesn't happen in court. Yes, he declares it.

It's the end of the scene. He's like, I declare a fast one. Yeah, exactly. Okay, stature of the case, because he's famous. Okay, this whole nonsense scene happens so fast too. This is supposed to be a hearing The defense lawyer stands up and is like, okay, my client's gonna get tortured if you let israel x right Okay prosecution you go prosecution is like yeah, all right. He did a bunch of crimes in israel

So that's why we're pushing for this also. This is one of my favorite lines of the movie Also, we're not gonna call him fucking Mr. Messiah. That's ridiculous. We're not calling him Mr. Messiah, you can't do that. And the defense is like, my client wants an alias. He gets to pick Mr. Messiah if he wants to do an alias. Matt, this is so important, Matt. This is so important. Zoom in.

Do I get to pick my name in trial? Thank you, that was my question. Because I'm in deep legal risk on all time. At all times. Right times, in all places, right now especially. Well, it's like the arcade where you get to enter your initials. Okay? All right.

Matt, Matt, when you read about me in the paper and they call me Mr. Potato Goofs, know that you made me murder those kids. It's only fair you get to pick your name. Matt, do you open up hearing by saying, and you know, Judge, as you've surely seen in the news, this, do you, is that how you used to... Judge, you watch the news, right? We'll follow him, but you follow him. You follow me on Twitter.

I've been tweeting about this a lot. Do I need to catch you up or what's going on? Yeah, I know. So this hearing, like you said, it's super fast on purpose because then we might start to notice, lawyers might start to notice that this is garbage. Yeah, sure. Okay. And yeah, it happens so quick, they get like a sentence each and then the judge is like,

okay, I'm ignoring all that. I don't even know why I let you talk at all. He's a flight risk, no bail. The next things in three days were extra nighting. I declare fast talking. Everything about that. And also the fact that you're going to go to trial in two days on something would be very complicated. Now, again, I should say convention against torture is not something

you couldn't apply for. Like that would be stapled onto this claim, but you'd start with asylum because that's the better deal. But two days is a tremendous due process violation. They'd get flipped on appeal immediately. Like there's no reason to do that. And it's just, because if it's the stature of the case, that's what the judge says, makes no sense. Stature of the case. This is a very important case, which is why both of you have just 30 seconds. And you're too damn wrong again.

The world is watching. He's like, you have 48 hours. He might as well set a giant clock that has like a hand moving in the, yeah. They're tiny little time. And then at the end, the defense lawyer is like, your honor, you gave us like 30 seconds on a weird clock that you have.

Hammer, hammer, I did that. Hammer, hammer, hammer. And then the gavel happens and that's it. That's the end of this tiny hearing. Matt, you have to tell me, have you ever gotten hammered while you were talking and how did it feel? Are you asking me if I've ever shown up to court

and hammered or if I've been hammered? No. Well, actually both questions. Both questions, yeah. Yeah, no, neither, neither. I would say, yeah, sorry. You hate to see it. I don't, yeah, that doesn't happen,

but I just want to mention to you the thing he does, the purpose of this hearing ostensibly is it's a bail hearing. So they're trying to decide if Jesus can get out while he's pending his extremely weird case. And the judge finds immediately without going through a dangerous analysis as they should do for bail, he goes straight to flight risk and he says, no, you know, this guy who's been on TV for all this time, he doesn't have a passport that

lots of people are willing to take in and has huge support flight risk. Can't let him out. So. Yeah, you know, they should have done that argument. It would have been hilarious because like the defense, the ACLU, you would be like, oh, he's, you know, he's not hurting anybody. He's got, he's got this priest that's willing to take him in. He has an e-mail and then the prosecutor or whatever the fuck. The other side could be like, uh, your honor, this man killed an entire town with a tornado. He's wanted in self-reliance restrictions.

We cannot let him out. Totally. We have reason to believe he's responsible for all the cancer. You seen those cheap phones? We can't let this out on the street. Yeah. Come on. Very important point. So yeah, that's how court cases work. I don't think Matt knows what he's talking about, but that is how it's portrayed and I believe it. Clack, clack. We learned a lot. I think we deserve a break. But first, let me give act whatever the hard

sell. Will hot Jesus be a successful immigrant. Does he get us? Who started all the wars? Find out the answer to that last one is God when we return for the lawtastic conclusion of Messiah. Episode three and four. Johnson, where are you? I'm in Mexico, chief. I'm hot on this lead and I'm gonna nail this bastard.

Did you say Mexico? Yeah, I'm hot on this guy and I'm gonna nail this bastard. Did you say Mexico? Yeah, I'm hot on this guy's trail. Okay, right, it's just we don't have jurisdiction in Mexico because that's not America. But chief, I might lose him. Yeah, that's probably why he went to Mexico, but you know that we're not like cops for the whole world, right?

I'm sorry, boss, but I hunt evil wherever it lured. No, no you do not you don't you hunt evil in America But actually the idea that you hunt evil at all is kind of problematic, isn't it? Come on chief two days. No no zero days you come back and I Honestly, I will fire you because you've already broken international law Tell him I went rogue. I mean I will arrest you you want me to arrest you and send you to jail No, I just I I went rogue. I mean, I will arrest you. You want me to arrest you and send you to jail? No, I just, I went rogue. Like, where you still help me, but like I'm rogue, you know? That is, that's not a thing.

All right, Chief. Monday morning, expect my gun in my badge. Yes, thank you. You are fired. Damn it, you son of a bitch, I'm back in. Okay. So it's you son of a bitch, I'm back in. Okay. So it's a dog that can fly? I mean, it's a pug of corn with wings, man. Hey, guys, you ready for the last part of the episode?

Sure. Where were you guys? Oh, Heath was helping me to not shop. Not shop? Yeah, I sort of follow Eli around stores and tell him what he can and can't afford. He wants to buy a lot of snow shovels. For some reason, cannot afford. I do. I do. It's true. It is true. Well, Eli, if you need help managing your finances,

why don't you try Rocket Money? What's Rocket Money? Come on. Again. Thomas explained it to me on the break. I did. Yeah. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending and helps lower your bills. I can see all of my subscriptions in one place and if I see something I don't want, I can cancel it with a tap. I never have to get

on the phone with customer service. They'll even try to get you a refund for the last couple months of wasted money and negotiate to lower your bills for you by up to 20%. All you have to do is take a picture of your bill and RocketMoney takes care of the rest. Wow, that sounds way easier than convincing Eli he's actually allergic to certain brands of snow shovel. It is! RocketMoney has over 5 million users and has helped save its members an average of $720 a year with over 500 million in cancelled subscriptions. Alright Thomas, we're sold. Where do I sign up? Stop wasting money on things you don't use.

Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash awfulmovies. That's rocketmoney.com slash awfulmovies. Rocketmoney.com slash awfulmovies. Thanks. Can someone help me get my car out when we're done with this? I kind of got snowed in in there. We can help you with that, yes.

Like a lot. And we're back. When we left off, the two-minute deportation hearing of an Arab guy was way slower than we all expected, honestly. And now we cut over to Ava, the CIA, operative on the phone with her boss. You know what I love about this show? The law is so bad.

We actually, Matt, you can leave. We don't even need, it's so terrible. You don't even need a legal expert. No, this is- She's talking and she's like, hey, let's, the CIA boss, again, the head of the CIA, it's just always on the phone with this one person. And she's like, you need to concentrate.

You know how we do stuff in other countries? We gotta do that. Like you gotta put an end to this. You know how we do stuff in other countries? We got to do that. Like you got to put an end to this. You said I have two days for Messiah stuff. She's like, all right. It's been 46 hours. And let me know if I got this wrong. She says, let's cut a deal with his lawyer.

Yeah. She's not the other lawyer in the thing. Am I crazy? No. And what deal? What would it be? To get it, because what they want is to have them sent to CIA detention and then extradited, I guess. Is it a deal to have them just immediately extradited? That'd be a good deal for them.

But that's a whole, that's not the trial we're having, right? I mean... No, sure isn't. And she can't offer a deal on behalf of the federal government for the 8USD 1425 things So I don't know it makes no sense Ava just shows up anyway at the ACLU lawyers room And it's like I want to offer you a deal and lawyers like her hotel room. Nope Yeah, just we're just gonna do the court thing and she has to start by condescendingly telling the ACLU lawyer What just happened in the hearing they were at. Hey, the judge said, yeah, I was there. No, I know.

I know. That was five minutes ago, we were both there. Did you see him set the giant clock and hover my client over a bunch of sharks? Yeah, no, I was there, I was there. Okay, and doesn't Ava say something like, oh, you just want to lose on purpose to help out the image of the ACLU or something. What does the movie think is

happening here? We're supposed to think that the ACLU is the villain here and that when they get involved with things that it's just for whatever. And this is so weird. If you're trying to tell a story about how bad Trump's immigration policies are, the ACLU are one of the legitimate heroes in that story. Yeah. So... Yeah. You know who needs it beating the ACLU? Let's take them down a peg in this whole family separation thing.

Yeah. They have their own Christian movie, Boingo Square for a reason. Thomas. You know who needs it beating the ACLU? Let's take them down a peg in this whole family separation thing. They have their own Christian movie, Boingo Square for a reason, Thomas. That's true, yeah. Well, she goes on to show that she's a terrible lawyer because she accuses Ava of having violated her clients' right to due process by going to visit him without an attorney.

And of course, I think maybe we all know that's the violation of his right to counsel. The judge just violated his Fifth Amendment right to due process when we saw him set the trial date for two days out. But, you know, I care about this stuff. I don't know. Yeah, why stop there?

I wonder why the judge wasn't like, hey, I'm setting the trial date for yesterday. Oh, okay, already done. You lose. That's a due process problem. But like, just throw it back. It's like, here's some legal words. They just, it's mad lips.

It's really just mad lips. Yeah, so now we're gonna get a quick shot of the kid that the Masahd guy beat up earlier. Remember him? Yeah. He's wandering through the desert and he sees a tiny sand tornado? Well, yeah, like the little tornado

from Super Mario 3, I think. Yeah, exactly. That one that comes in, it's following him too. Okay, to me, that's not a clear sign at all. It's supposed to be like a magical guide from the Messiah Is it but if I saw that I wouldn't like just follow it I wanted the kid to just walk the other way and then the Messiah gotta be like fuck ah Sends a couple more to like guide him back the other people tend to avoid tornadoes right okay? I'll use it kind of like wait am I the only one here. I went to Sunday school. This is a Bible story, right? Oh, I'll use them kind of like that. Am I the only one here who went to Sunday school?

This is a Bible story, right? Oh, is this? This is definitely a Bible story. Yeah. Yeah, no, I think this does reference something in the Bible where a little sand thing. It's the joke from inside the tornado thing. Yeah, it is a guy.

No, I don't actually know that. How quickly you forget your old podcast, Thomas. Totally forgot. How quickly you forgot. But they confirmed, the movie, the show confirms that that is what was happening. Cause then we cut to the Messiah meditating because he needs to meditate to do

sand tornadoes across the globe. Okay. He's force projecting. He's, I had the same thought. He's force projecting and you want it to be like something wakes him up and then the tornado goes away or whatever. Yes, I wanted another prisoner at the detention center.

He's just like bothering about some bullshit. And he's like, I'm doing a song. It doesn't matter. Great, now it's gone. Now it's gone. You see the tornado turn and be like, hey, stop bothering me. Like it's actually doing the same thing.

We watched the tornado taking his shit because he got food boys things from dinner the night before. The government attorney comes over to check out like the live feed. Like she stops eating. And we don't know if she's an attorney for DHS or DOJ, never established. But she stops in just to check it out and just on a whim to get this video, which is going to become relevant later.

She wanted to point that out. Oh right. Yeah. She watches him meditating and the fact that he's just doing that will matter later to her. That's going to be her Colombo moment. As a prosecutor. Yeah.

So we cut over to preacher guy. He's gonna go follow Jesus and the wife is like, oh, but remember our whole town was destroyed and everyone needs you right now. And he's like, no, no, I gotta follow Jesus. And the only reason I point out this scene is he goes, I think he's the, and she says, say it. And I want him so badly for him to be like, vampire.

When have you ever, since Twilight, anytime someone has said, say it, and I want him so badly for him to be like, vampire. When ever any since Twilight, anytime someone has said, say it, I have said most often out loud, vampire. Yeah. I just wanted to highlight that like, if you think we were gonna get any more detail into the family drama that was going on there, we get, okay, you ready?

Let's figure out what's happening. There's conflict, you know, she's clearly sad about something, and he's like, look, I know things are hard and we haven't been happy, but and she's like, but what? That's it. That's all we're going to get. That's it. Things are hard and we haven't been happy. That's the conflict. That's why he was going to check notes, burn down a church. I don't fucking do that. Yeah, this was the biggest like dumb Christian moment for me in the whole thing. So Felix, the pastor is like, I have to be with him.

He says that to his wife as he's leaving. And she's like, that's fucking dumb. By the way, they got that part of the Christian marriage, right? They just didn't get any of the rest of it. The dude being like, I have to be with him. Yeah, no. And she's just like, what the fuck are you talking about? Explain the plot of the movie as best you can to me

right now Felix. And he does, he tries. He's like, I was gonna burn the church for insurance money. And then God called time out on dealing with Palestine to help me personally on this journey. I'm gonna call you out one Heath. You with your smart brain came up with the insurance money reason, because that would actually make sense. The movie, the show, does not say that. Oh, they don't use those exact

words. What are they, what is the movie show trying to claim? For all we know, he just says, I was going to burn down the church because like, I just, you know, fuck that building. This is the time to tell her. She's a total pyro. I'm a little lukewarm on Christianity. I was gonna burn the church down, I guess. Yeah. Because the conflict that you and I both know about that we're not going to name in our family, that definitely real flesh out family drama that we have here that we're both thinking of it.

Are you thinking of it? I'm thinking of it. I was gonna burn down the church because of that very tangible problem. I also love that she's like, this town needs you. And I wanted to say, well, no, you're in luck. The tornado literally flattened the entire town. There is no more town.

Releaved of duty and now his watch has ended. I will say, I like that the Texas power grid seems to be improved by the tornado then. Yeah, it's much better. Like all the lights are working. Yeah. She throws it back in his face. Like you've already retained him a lawyer.

You don't have to do anything else, right like as established he called the ACLU no points So speaking of that lawyer, we're gonna cut back over to the court again They're all gonna rise and He would like to make a statement Yeah, I gotta mention one more sign. It says got Messiah like got milk So good did I get to make the signs for this movie I feel like I did But yeah, he would like to make a statement and his statement is an old person trying to remember the lyrics to imagine Imagine there's no oh God, what is it? It's not in your borders like if there's no, oh God, what is it?

It's not any borders, like if there were no countries, I don't, Do you have a rhyme with borders? Are you doing me? You're lucky, and I'm also like, I'm Jesus. So I guess I want God to like boom mic into the thing. I didn't write this for him. He's on his own for this.

To be clear, we said we should script this out and he said, no, I wanna wing it. Yeah. I just wanted him to play baseball. So he gives this stupid monologue about how there shouldn't be borders and to check your judge privilege, right? I have no idea.

And then the judge turns to the prosecution and is like, prosecution, your response. As if the ever said the prosecution is going to be like, I think borders are good. High school debate, like be it resolved, borders. There's a very funny moment when the judge is like, he's all yours, right to the government attorney, which would be normal because he just testified, nobody was expecting him to, that's what he did. And then the defense attorney is like, you are not to question my client, which is really like, yeah, well, he's all yours.

Like, what did you not get about this? It's cross examination. Oh, it's even worse. I wrote this down word for word because I could not fucking believe it. Here's the dialogue that happens. So the prosecutor is, you prosecutor is yelling at Jesus. And Jesus is ACLU ace attorney says, the prosecution is testifying, not questioning my witness. And then, so then the prosecutor says, what religion are you? And then in the same sentence,

this is all one sentence, then the ACLU lawyer says, you are not to question my client. one sentence, then the ACLU lawyer says, you are not to question my client. Literally went from the prosecution testifying, not questioning my client to, you are not to question my client in the same sentence. No, it's unbelievable. No talking, no questions. Yeah.

Oh, and this is where we get the great legal trick from the prosecutor. Yes, this is her Colombo moment. Yeah, this is her Colombo thing. Remember earlier where she was watching and meditate, this is her Colombo moment. Yeah, this is her Colombo thing. Remember earlier where she was watching and meditate. This matters now. She's like, okay, so what are you doing, sir? Mr. Messiah, in this video where you're doing nothing. Well, because I don't think we establish his defenses. I'm a Muslim or the lawyer says he's a Muslim, so he'll be killed if we deport him in Israel. Right. Exactly.

There are 1.7 million Muslims in Israel. I just want to point that out. It's like 20% of the population they're doing all right. Right. Yeah. So the argument from the defense is he's Muslim and now the prosecutor's going to like debunk that by showing a video of him all day not doing five prayers like every single Muslim has to do or else doesn't count. Or you're not Muslim. Yeah. Like the prosecutor might as well be like, here have a delightful bacon sandwich. Aha!

Aha! Like so stupid. Islam doesn't exist. Yeah. Am I the only one who's like, wait, why is Jesus Muslim? I didn't, was that part of it? And what was the- He's not really.

He walks with all men. Exactly. Walks with all men. Exactly, walks with all men. Yeah, he comforts the audience here because you can feel the audience at home being like, wait a second, I didn't sign up for no Muslim Jesus. And he's like, no, no.

That was a trick. I'm gonna let Muslims worship me too. But the courtroom is like rabble rabble, not Muslim rabble rabble. Yeah, and I just said very quickly, since I do asylum all day, this is like my actual thing. The theory that the ACLU is setting up as we just said, very stupid, right? Because you're claiming religious persecution in a place that has a bunch of Muslims. She was also making

a convention against torture claim, which is totally legit. If seeing what Israel does to kids, who knows what they're going to do to hot Jesus. But everything about this, I mean, just the way that she makes this absurd statement that doesn't mean anything, he says this absurd thing that doesn't mean anything. He says this absurd thing that doesn't mean anything. That's it. That's the case. That's the end. But isn't he on trial for whether or not he entered the country?

Yeah. We're not sure of that. Yeah, we're not there anymore. This isn't an asylum hearing, right? Or is it like, you can argue, well, he shouldn't be deported. So therefore, fuck all this. I don't know. Yeah. No, thank you.

Once again, providing the important OA context. What matters here is that this is supposed to be a criminal trial. Again, it's happening in immigration court. We see the placard behind the judge. But in the normal course of business, if anybody cares, which clearly no one who wrote this does, after this conviction,

because he'd definitely be convicted and produce six months, maybe get some time, sir. But this happens routinely to my clients. He gets the illegal entry charge he's convicted and then he's transferred immigration court where he gets to raise the asylum claim. This does not all happen like at a buffet. We don't get to fix them all.

Okay, so just want to get all the crimes and all the claims out on the table now. So it's not a combination pizza hut, Taco Bell situation. We're saying- So you're saying wing stop is pizza Hut is what you're saying, Matt? It's supposed to be an immigration deportation hearing, but also a criminal hearing, but also an asylum hearing, but also a convention against torture hearing in front of a judge.

He's apparently considering criminal claims before the immigration court, and there's a prosecutor who might be. Oh, and by the way, the CIA also could have made a deal with him. Could have made a deal to get him for that. So that we could have avoided watching any of this. Yeah. Fucking nonsense. So now we're going to cut over to the White House. And I have to tell you podcast listener, when I was watching this, I assumed, oh, if I watched episode one and two, which I eventually did,

I would see this character and Luna who he is. Nope, he is introduced for the first time at this point in the television program. This is the White House Council? I would literally had to be like, okay, which of the West Wing cast members is this guy supposed to be? That's what I was trying to figure out. Yep, this is what I referenced too early.

Sorry, it's hard to keep track of the nothing that happens in the show. This is him being like, we gotta fix this. Too much bad publicity for the thing Trump definitely wants publicity over. Can't have that. Right. I think this is actually a guy who was in the West Wing, though. I think he played like the head of the Secret Service during the West Wing. Even more confusing, but don't worry. He has the point of this scene is he has a plan. We'll talk about it in a second. Okay. So now we cut to the judge's chambers that night.

Remember how the guy at the White House who we never met before said he had his plan? This is his plan. He's gonna call the judge. The judge. To be like, hey. There's the line. The pleasure is mine.

All mine. Wow, that's awesome fucking bribery. Oh my God, it's so awkwardly badly written. That's him supposed to be like butter up the judge, you know? To be fair, if Trump hadn't committed crimes way more obviously than this guy is doing, it'd be a lot less believable than it is. But since we now live in the post,

can you just find me a couple of thousand votes? God, you're right. You know what, you're right. Retracted, because this would actually just be Trump calling the judge and he'd just be saying, hey, do the thing I want you to do and then we'd have it on tape. Guilty. I would like you to find it guilty. Let me tell you just for a second about immigration judges.

Because again, there is the placard of the immigration court behind him. We're supposed to maybe think he's an immigration judge on top of this criminal stuff. Immigration judges, as I mentioned, this is really important. They're administrative judges. They're not judicial judges,

which means that they operate at the pleasure of the president. He can hire and fire them. So this could have been an amazing opportunity to actually show something that could actually happen. The president putting pressure on an immigration judge. They totally botched it. Like they could have established,

you know, well, we all know you're not a real judge, so we're just gonna do what we say. But instead they pretend like everybody knows who this guy is. And again, love my immigration judges out there. Do not get this wrong. I really do love every one of you. When we were off the air, you kept saying that all immigration judges smell their own butts. Like that's what I remember Matt saying. We had to pause the record.

I love them all. Morgan. And I'm not saying a bad thing about them. And I really enjoy it. Honestly, I actually like the ones in Boston, but they're not, and they know this, they're executive branch employees, they're not judicial judges, and there's no reason that anybody outside of our community in the immigration law world knows who they are,

and that's fine, that's how they wanted. Does that mean they don't get a judge hammer? No, I've never seen one. They actually get the kids version, they get the speaking one, they get the speech. That's all I would care about, damn it. Their robes are actually just a T-shirt. They're allowed to wear a black T-shirt and it looks like they're wearing the robe.

But like with two or three lines, they could have set it up to show you the injustice of this and to actually show you like a real Trump problem. But they didn't. They did this. No. So now we cut over to jail. Jesus does a bad, a very bad coin trick for a child. Now, admittedly, I know coin tricks, but you guys can you just verify you saw what happened, right?

I was so happy. I was like Eli's going insane right now watching this. Okay. I've consulted for two Netflix Netflix You have my number. Oh Shit not only that he could have just hit the coin in his hand hole Oh, shit. Not only that, he could have just hit the coin in his hand hole. That would have been perfect. It's like if there's a magician who actually didn't have a thumb and then he could do the fake thumb thing that he liked, always talks about. Whatever that is, kind of an unfair advantage. You don't get to just have a quarter in immigration detention.

I just want to point that out. Well, it's a half dollar. It's a half dollar. So much more archaic shitty coin. So that implies that Jesus can actually do the trick where he produces a dollar out of his ear. Yeah. Honestly, he's the first trick he'd honestly do

in the entire show, except for the very end where he's like, oh, I'm Jesus and I raised the debt. It's the extent of his powers. Yeah. And he's doing this just to characterize him as being nice to a kid in the detention center. I wanted the kid to be like, hey, you got any like fucking green cards

back there behind my ear? Because that was nothing. Wow, man, this was super cool. Are all your miracles this shitty? Yeah, sorry. Yeah. I haven't eaten in two days. Do you know anybody with demons in them?

I could send them into pigs if they asked me to first. Cool. My parents got killed by a tornado recently. Was that you? Shh. Which hand is the coin in? Not the one you thought. Cool. My parents got killed by a tornado recently. Was that you? Which hand is the coin in? Not the one you thought. It just fell through the hole man. Here we go. Big finale everybody. What's gonna happen?

All right. Now it's time for the big finale. The judge walks in. Now Matt, again, you are the legal authority here. Do judges usually come in with a bit of a swagger in their step and without starting court or really doing anything? They just say, I have made a decision. No, that just not even go on the record or anything. Just banging it out. Yeah. He grants Jesus asylum because, and I think this is almost a direct quote, the president is not the boss of me,

which I will admit before we did this recording, I did not realize that the president is literally the boss. He is literally the boss. Yep. If he's an immigration judge, and he makes a point too of saying the court, which stands independent of any and all influence,

like to just really get it out there. And again, exactly the opposite of, and I'm not saying that immigration judges are under the thumb of the president, but like they're hired and fired by the attorney general. So like, kind of. So literally, yes. Cool.

You had that opportunity. Yes, yeah. So the president's guy, the guy who called earlier does like a, Scrooge, like gadget. And then we cut to the judge's chamber that night. Hey, you remember the CAT scan from the beginning that was confusing about what was wrong with the CIA agent?

It's not her CAT scan, it's the judge's CAT scan from the beginning that was confusing about what was wrong with the CIA agent? Yeah, it's not her CAT scan. It's the judge's CAT scan. What does that have to do with the rest of the show? Go fuck yourself. That's what it has to do. Okay, but here's if God is giving conservative judges brain tumors so that they stop fucking people over That's literally the first good thing God has done in this show at all So I actually support that and it's so heavy-handed too because his wife comes in and is like, I brought you some meatloaf for some reason and he's taking pills with whiskey and she's like, you should take your cancer pills with water. And he goes, let me die. And Pete, you're like, yeah, I kid it. You don't have, you told me.

You have cancer, man. We saw the envelope. And then they still do the drawer reveal. Oh, it was his brain scan. Yeah. Oh my god If there's any pills you get to take with whiskey it's fucking cancer pills first. Yeah, absolutely But just to be clear about God's entire plan according to this show God had a problem, which is ridiculous already. God needed his Immigrant son to live in America, which is very difficult to do sure so God made a problem, which is ridiculous already. God needed his immigrant son to live in America, which is very difficult to do. So God made a tornado that killed people and ruined shit.

Took out a whole town. Also gave a CIA lady four miscarriages. We learned it was actually a bunch of those. Also did all the other miscarriages in theory. And gave a judge brain cancer. That was the like eight step solution to like, I can't get a green card from the USA. It's really hard even if you're God.

Well, he also made up an entire court. So you gotta give him credit. Yeah, he made a whole court. Yeah. That didn't exist. And then the last shot of the episode, I love this so much, right? He's coming out in the media are all,

oh please, I'll rabble, rabble, rabble, rabble, rabble, I do have to point this out, Matt, because you have the best note. One of the media people very clearly yells, what country will you go to next? He can't leave the U.S. now. I yell back at his lawyer. He's kind of stuck here. That's how it's all works.

You can get special travel permission, but it takes forever. Like you can just get on a plane. He jumps back into the car with the preacher. The preacher's like, quick, get in. And then, and guys, correct me if I'm'm wrong about this because it is the final shot of The final episode they have the graduate moment He puts one hand on his breast for a second What are you doing man, but yeah, it's awesome the being like, super awkward doesn't know what to say to Jesus.

He's just like, so what? Oh my God. Oh, you didn't say anything? I literally, that's such a good joke. He let it have to pull it up right now to make sure I'm looking at it. You're 100% right. 100% right.

They're so bad at acting. He did it. He did the face, his face troops. Yep. At the end, oh my God, you're right. What's he regret? What is, it's the graduate. That's incredible. Because they're a graduate. He did the face. His face troops. At the end. Oh my God. You're right. What's he regret? What is it's the graduate. That's incredible. They're graduated.

Fuck. This guy actually isn't Jesus. He's just some random terrorist I picked up in his now in my car. I'm sorry to be the lawyer here, but I gotta ask, is he going to come back for the criminal hearing at some point? He's facing a criminal charge ostensibly in immigrant housing. He's like two thousand years. It was it wasn't dismissed. He wasn't acquitted.

Maybe he was just like found secretly guilty and we're not talking about it. Well, before this generation passes away. This case will finish. The other part of it I have to mention is that at the end of it, the judge says, welcome to the great state of Texas, which implies he only got asylum in Texas, which I love. Because the immigration judge literally at the end of a hearing will say,

welcome to the United States, right? And they don't say welcome to Massachusetts. Welcome to Texas, rough. Good news, bad news. All right, before we wrap it up, what did we learn? What's the important takeaway like big picture? I think I now have a master's degree in anger. That's going to do it for Messiah, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet

because we found another terrible movie. Eli, what's on deck? Okay. I think maybe I hallucinated next week's movie into existence, but from what I can tell from the trailer and the IMDb page, it is about the awkward walk down the mountain between Abraham and Isaac. It's called his only son and I can't fucking wait. Hey man, did you almost fucking stab me? So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 444 to Immersive Clothes.

Huge thanks to Matt and Thomas for joining us. So anything new going on that you guys wanna mention? Any projects? Please listen to opening arguments. I'm so happy to be back on it. Matt is amazing. Also, Matt's partner Casey is on and we've got double criminal, like actual criminal law experience on both sides of the

fucking football field. You know, it's such a cool thing. And we're having a great time. Fantastic. It's a lot of fun. Opening arguments. And of course, a big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity. If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful. And that'll get your early access to an ad free version of every episode. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Skating Atheist, Citation Needed, Skeptocrat, and D&D Minus, available in all the podcast places. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email godawfulmovies.gmail.com. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.

All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Matt, Thomas, and Eli, I'm Heath. Promise to work hard, turn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the Animal House close. Two awkward minutes went by in the car and then Jesus said, so you were gonna burn down the church?

Yeah. God went on to destroy a bunch of churches with tornadoes. Jesus moved on to the second page of that card trick book and learned a much better way to vanish a coin. I Or or five Head of mouth full of water, but I did it on time. Yeah, no you did the good. Mmm. That was good Man, I think when Noah's not here, Eli just fucking man, eating. He's, I think I figured out what's going on. I think it's like, it's super reasonable and well behaved most of the time though.

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