God Awful Movies - 447: Consider it All Joy

Episode Date: March 12, 2024

This week, Cara Santa Maria joins us for an atheist review of Consider it All Joy and *spoiler alert* she does NOT consider it all joy. Check out more from Cara on the Talk Nerdy podcast --- If you���d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

I'm gonna go get a new one. I'm gonna go get a new one. I'm gonna go get a new one. I'm gonna go get a new one. I'm gonna go get a new one. I'm gonna go get a new one. I'm gonna go get a new one. I'm gonna go get a new one.

I'm gonna go get a new one. I'm gonna go get a new one. I'm gonna go get a new one. I'm gonna go get a new one. I'm gonna go get a new one. I'm gonna go get a new one. You guys are late back! It's a chill! What are the sort of rules? I don't know these things. Do you wear a tie when you're eating dinner? You wear a tie while you fuck your wife, is what you do in 1986?

Ha ha ha! Movie! Movie! Movie! Welcome back to the Gamecast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema because we've got more staying power than that God-awful senator. I'm your host, Noah Lusions. Heath's gonna be unable to join us this week, but sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend, Eli Bostic. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm fantastic, Noah. Let's do this thing. All right. I'm surprised at the enthusiasm, but we'll just carry on like that's normal. We're also excited to welcome back guest masochist extraordinaire, Cara Santa Maria. Cara, welcome back. Mm-hmm. Yeah, right. That's the kind of enthusiasm I was looking for.

I have arrived. Tonally appropriate. Yep. So tell us, Kara, what will we be breaking down today? Well... Go on, Kara. Yeah, right. That's the best description you could possibly give of this movie. Use words to describe... ...the dejected sign.

Okay, I do appreciate that this film is not related in any way to hospice, although you did make sure to give me something having to do with death, of course. Yeah, we got to get some death in there, obviously. And I said film in quotes. I don't think you could see that. This movie question mark is called, Considerate All Joy. I'm not sure why. And it was released in 1986. And it is like 50 some odd minutes long, but it feels interminable.

Yeah, it's pretty impressive how long this 58 minute movie feel. How often did you guys pause it and be like, surely it's been 70 minutes and look in like only 30 seconds? Oh, it was like a minimum wage shift at Hardys or something. Yeah. You'll see my notes throughout my notes.

I'm like, okay guys only 40 minutes Oh, I was breaking out weird fractions guys were like three sixteenths of the way through now This movie needs a moa deep to free us No, and Eli how bad was this movie? Oh, no, she and Eli how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the unhelpful help of religious people at a funeral But you wish it felt more like having someone explain their process for eating raisin brand This sleep aid I mean movie sorry

Yeah, don't get me wrong Nothing I love more than sitting down to a GAM movie and realizing it's only 58 minutes long. But that runtime combined with the fact that pretty much nothing ever happens throughout this entire fucking movie, it leaves me with a real, what the fuck are we gonna talk about then? Kind of feeling. I like, yeah, I felt like on the edge of my finish

the movie and I was like, well, it's Thursday and you're recording tomorrow. So we're not calling it audible. We're having conversation. A podcast will happen. You know what I noticed on the lower left hand of the 7,300 frame. You know what was happening in other windows

of my internet while I was watching this movie? I 100% comment like regularly on the YouTube ads that talk about the language. What the hell else are you gonna talk about? What the fuck else are you talking about? I'm watching this movie. I 100% comment like regularly on the YouTube ads. Yes, I'm hard to get. What the hell else are you gonna talk about? What the fuck else are you talking about? I will tell you, this is the only thing that I can think of, right?

So we were lucky enough that Cara came to QED this past year and we got to hang out and I also got to see people interact with Cara. And I'm a sticky toddler. So people don't try to talk to me about smart people things, but they do do that to Kara because she is a smart person with smart people degrees. And sometimes those people don't, I'm

going to put this delicately, have the social awareness to realize they've been describing a microbiome for the last 47 minutes. And I will say Kara Santa Maria is a pro. You're talking about a microbiome and your mother-in-law's toe fungus. She is locked in. She is with you. She is generous. I am already doing a cartwheel in the other room and singing a song I just made up. But if there's a movie version of that conversation, that's what we watched this week. It's someone not checking in to see whether or not Cara is really trying to escape the conversation. And she was. The film. The film. She was trying. I was trying the whole time. And they did not care. No, they did not.

No, there was no early release for good behavior from this one. All right. Is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah. I mean, all I could come up with is best worst non-movie movie. Sure. This was not a movie, what was it? No, yeah, right, because what little happens in the movie happens in the last 13 minutes, it's insane. It's like a workplace instructional video

was about not believing in Jesus, right? It's that level of repetitive and boring that you expect them to also teach you how to use the fryer and shut it down correctly. So I was going to go with best worst to pay. Fuck yeah. Good. Donald Trump would scoff at the boss's hair in this movie.

It's incredible. So good. Noah, I know in 1986 you were only 30 or 40 years old. But did people really walk around pretending that was hair? They must have. What happened to the American eyesight between 1945 and 19? Cause there's no way someone walked in with that hair the first day and someone wasn't like, hey man, what's on your fucking head?

Yeah, right, right, you could just tell me. And again, like if they were playing this for comedy, that would be one thing, but they're just playing this straight. Everyone on the set was pretending that was this man's hair. And I know we're gonna get to it, but like did you notice the eyebrow hair combination? Beautiful.

Because they were very active, the eyebrows. And wore, and wore the eyebrow hair combination. And I'm gonna take the easy one. I'm gonna go with best worst conflict for the first 99 100ths of the movie. Sure. This movie, like this woman's husband, will take a hard right turn

into a different plot towards the end. But most of this movie is a guy being mildly annoyed because the savior of the universe is watching out for him. Yep. That's pretty much it. All right, well, we need to come up with a way of describing this movie without just saying generic white people stuff happened some more. So we're going to give ourselves a quick break, but we'll be back in a minute with all the

generic white people stuff that is. Consider it all joy. Yeah, no, I can call her. Sorry, give me a second. I heard a thump and that usually means people are hiding in my closet. Cara! Hey, Cara! Yep, that's what I figured.

What's up, guys? Also, why do you never use my door? I mean, we use it when we first come in. Mm-hmm. So, sit in the living room. Why do you never use my door? I mean, we use it when we first come in. So sit in the living room. Without you here, that would be creepy. Yeah, disrespectful. Anyway, we need your famous person help. Okay, with what?

Canceling our subscriptions. Yeah, Noah signed up for Yeller's Revenge Monthly like three years ago, and he doesn't even know where to go on the website to cancel. You're giving up on YRM? Well, I'm just I'm buying the annuals now. Smart. But guys, if you want help finding and canceling your unwanted subscriptions, why don't you just use Rocket Money? What's Rocket Money? Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills.

I can see all my subscriptions in one place, and if I see something I don't want, I can cancel it with just a tap. I never have to get on the phone with customer service, and they'll even try to get you a refund for the last couple months of wasted money and negotiate to lower your bills for you by up to 20%. All you have to do is take a picture of your bill and Rocket Money takes care of the rest. But does it actually save you money? It sure does. Rocket Money has over 5 million users

and has helped save its members an average of $720 a year with over $500 million in canceled subscriptions. All right, Carol, we're in. Where do we sign up? Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash awfulmovies. That's rocketmoney.com slash awfulmovies. Rocketmoney.com slash awfulmovies. Thanks, Kara. Now, let's go get you some new sweaters.

What happened to my old sweaters? Well, you know, if you don't want us to snack, just open your doors more often. Kara. Exactly. Do a check. Eight my sweaters. You wanted to see us, Chris? Yeah, what's the big idea? I had a great idea for a movie. You did? Yeah, so you guys remember when my cousin's husband died Well, sir Yeah, so I was talking to her and she told me that she realized that God put into her heart that this is all for the good oh So her husband was like secretly a really bad guy

No, no, he was he was a great guy But she didn't like him Well, no, no, he was a great guy. But she didn't like him. Well, no, no, she loved him a lot. Well, then how could it be good? Well, so yeah, so that's what she was saying. That if you think about all things that God does give you, that even when the bad things happen, it's still all good. Right?

Oh. Chris, are you sure that isn't nonsense? Yeah, or maybe her entire social structure is built around her religion, so she was just telling you that she was firm in her belief because it was the only way for her to regain her social cache in a patriarchal society so terrified of death, its entire faith system is in defiance of it. No, I'm pretty sure she just had a good point. Alright, let's make a movie then.

Alright. Hey man, what's the social cache? I think she means cashier. I didn't want to correct her. Oh, okay, got it. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're going to start with an in-memoriam of somebody's great grandma, which I'll go ahead and tell you, just didn't make me feel great out of the gate on this one.

So. Yeah, and let's pull back the lens for a little bit, right? This story is about a woman whose husband died. The end, that is it. That's That is it. And someone was like, we have got to tell grandma's story. She is a survivor. She literally, she survived one person. So yeah, we have got to tell, do we have 60 minutes of film, several thousand feet of old-timey camera film to waste? Also, there's this guy, it comes up and it says, you know great grandma Grandma, you know blah blah blah and then it ends with woman of God and I'm like, yeah

But at some point she was snorting lines and sucking dick, right and good for her look at some point though I mean it was the 80s, right? Yeah, right, right? We hope I was so depressed by the like overhanging We hope. I was so depressed by the like overhanging Chocolatey thick patriarchy of this movie because every woman in it is just like I mean look the best thing about our lives Are our husbands so when they die, I can understand why you would feel literally like you don't exist anymore. Trust me I get it. Yeah, this movie was giving me from the first second deep Mormon flashback. Yeah This is every visit home for Kara. 100%. Like, I was three years old when this movie came out.

This is primo Mormon time for me. It was, yeah, it was just very, very 80s. Four is when Kara started to ask questions. You know, like, look, I want animal crackers as much as the next person, but this Joseph Smith guy he didn't show anybody who wasn't a friend the place So and then the movie says inspired by a true story and I'm like yeah, that's the fucking Book of Mormon said to come on Yeah, yeah, they also how could it not be right? How could it not ladies husband died because nothing happens? Yeah, and She was Christian. Yeah, it's funny because

it's inspired by a true story and I'm like, I call bullshit because this is religious, but no, nothing happens. So yeah, there's no illusions. There's no magic in this movie at all. None. Yeah. Nothing even extraordinary. Like there are extraordinary true stories that people attribute Christianity to. This is a very ordinary tale. It is. Yep. Yeah, it's just boring Christian lives and we have to watch them. Oh and speaking of which we get the like the most generic possible music over the credits. Oh, I love that this music has the bride sister is gonna sing the first dance vibe so hard Completely in her head voice oh, and she's like pronouncing God with a hard

Like that kind of singing where when someone starts doing it you're not sure if it's a bit where when someone starts doing it, you're not sure if it's a bit. And then you very quickly have to be like, oh, no, that's how they sing. Oh, I've got to stop. Perfectly still. Stop laughing. Keep your body perfectly still. And the intro. What did normal people do when they listened to music they're enjoying?

They smile. Too big a smile. A small smile. The intro is long. Like I think it's about 10% of the film. Sure. It's just this weird religious song. And like, I don't even remember, was it a montage of family photos?

Yeah, it was a bunch of family photos. And I love one of the family photos is the couple in bed, right? Husband and wife in bed while husband reached the Bible. I'm like, who took that picture? Fucking Jerry Falwell Jr. What the hell is going on in this people's lives? Jerry Falwell Sr. I feel that way about everything on Instagram though.

Don't you like all of it? I feel like every influencer's life. I'm like, who took the picture? Who took that picture? Then I think you should follow one Heath Enright, who has, I think, three pictures, and two of them are of pizza. There you go. The influencer we all need. Seriously, it's a reality. I like that.

Verite. So the credits wrap with Claire, who is going to be our main character, sitting with a mustachioed guy who we will later learn is Nick. And they're looking over this photo album that we've been looking at. She goes, oh, look at this. This is the picture of that time that David won employee of the year. Look, employee of the year is one thing.

You don't really have control over that. And if you wanna be proud of it, I'm okay with it. But if you take a photo and remember that moment, it's another thing entirely. Right, like, and you put it in there with the picture of like your child's birth and shit. Well, and here's the thing, we're talking about this with hindsight, because we know what happens in this movie, but you have to remember when we first sat down to watch this movie,

you've got Claire, who later we find out is David's wife, sitting with Rick, Mustache Man, and they're talking about David like he's their child. I was so confused by what was happening here. Very confusing, yeah. Yeah, so, and Rick points to one picture and he goes, oh, I remember that fishing trip. Oh, David caught was a cold. And I'm like, I wanna punch this guy.

This guy asks if you're working hard or hardly working and you know that he does. Oh yeah. And here's the fun thing, my early notes are like, this fucking guy talks like an asshole. But everyone in the movie talks like that. So it's like the twist at the end of a bad movie where everyone's a vampire,

that's the experience of watching this film. Oh, so I wanna point out, I got my first ad break at two minutes and 18 seconds. The credits are barely even over. I'm like, Eli's just doing this to try to normalize this and make me listen to dear old dads again, I bet. Look, I'm just saying, if you get used to it here in the YouTube verse, start listening to my content. Well, yeah, but they both sure missed David. And Rick turns to her at this point and he goes, how did you and David meet?

And then she like doodly-dos back to them meeting at church? At church, yeah. It's the most boring, imagine thinking, because here's the thing, the sentences we made at church, imagine thinking this merited a doodly-do. Right, well, and then keep this in mind, right? The entire rest of the movie will be presented as the doodly do answer to how did you and David mean?

You're right. The whole movie. Yeah. You just like every 15 minutes, you got to just imagine just Rick sitting there just going, oh, my God, she's still fucking answering. Oh, my God, she's still drawing. Just Rick slapping his thighs ever more frequently. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well. So yeah, so, but she goes to this new church, David, accosts her at her car as she's going to leave.

And he's like, excuse me, she turns around with this like, hope you're not a rapist smile on her face. Now we will later learn she just has resting, hope you're not a rapist face, but that in this first instance, it was a bit jarring. She looks the way, throughout this movie, the way other people look when I am introduced

without warning. Sure. Like the way I see strangers just are like, oh, he's a lot. He's a lot. It's like a little beast you brought into this funeral. That's how she looks at all times, slightly surprised and horrified. I blame the fact that she's actually, I mean, this is a hot take,

so I don't know if you guys will agree, but I think she's, first of all, she's beautiful. She would be way hotter if she wasn't dressed like a pilgrim the whole movie. Right. Like she's... You're right. Yeah, no, that would help. She's beautiful and she's kind of a good actor.

Nobody else in the movie is good. And so it's like... Yeah....jarring her acting next to theirs. Yeah, she's worlds above everybody else in this movie. I can't really tell if she's that good or everyone else is that bad, but yes. Right, it's all relative. But I do think that that look of like surprise is legitimate.

She's like, what am I doing? What happened to my career? That's just the actor being like, oh, that's the delivery you went with, huh? Yeah. Okay. Yep. Yep. Like for example, when David first meets her and tells her that, I don't know,

welcome to the church and can we go on a date? I don't even remember. It was so inconsequential. He keeps referencing the college department. He goes, everybody at the college department is blah, blah, blah. I'm at the, and I'm like, I don't know what that means. What is the college department? No fucking idea. I do want to say though, David is hilariously attractive.

When she turned around, like I looked at this man and I'm like, that is a man who can flex his cheekbones. Okay. Oh, it's beautiful. You know, it took me like 45 minutes before I finally realized he looks exactly like James Marston. Yep, James Marston. Did you guys notice that?

I noticed it in your notes and then I'm just like, oh fuck, that's what it is. I wanna fuck Cyclops, yeah. Yeah, I don't remember where I have it in my notes, but I do call him James Marzipan at one point. Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, fair. But yeah, but he invites her to lunch

with all the other churches. And then that descends into a montage of them dating. Right? I wrote in my notes, Kara, this could be our friendship if you weren't so close-minded about sharing a seven-up picnic with me. I do love a low-budget film because they don't care about showing,

like, you know, they're not afraid to get sued for showing all of these blatant products. It's like a cool time capsule. Like, whoa, look at that glass seven up bottle. Yes, right. Diabanta. You could kill somebody with that seven up bottle right there. Yeah. Now, speaking of the seven up, because they do have a seven up picnic,

he very clearly pours something out of a bottle and we're like ooh champagne and the Christians are like no it's seven Care I would like to invite you to play a game I play with all my female identifying friends called he's perfect But right which is if you met a man and he was perfect in every way physical 10 Emotional 10 job 10 outlook 10, but he insisted on a seven up picnic. How much does that lower his number by? I thought you were gonna ask me, what is your butt with this man?

And I was going to say Christian, 100%. Christian is there, but we're gonna pretend he's not Christian and the fault is the seven up picnic. Oh no, I'm down, if it's a 7-up picnic. You're down for a 7-up picnic. I actually don't even like 7-up, but you have to remember too, like I don't drink. So I actually do be cool.

That's true, so you'll be fine with it, yeah. Yeah, but if that was like a classic Coca-Cola, I'd be sold. There you go, seeing. Okay, but what about, so here's the thing though, is that like, what if the rest of the lunch was diagonal cut sandwiches, two that like, what if the rest of the lunch was diagonal cut sandwiches, two full carrots, an apple, an orange, four wheat crackers, and a sad strip of lettuce just

sitting there like it belongs? What would you say to that pinning, though? I don't know. I'm kind of not mad at this. I think the thing I'm most mad at is that he then proposes to her in stripy tube socks. Hey, look, no, to be fair, the only kinds of socks that were available for men in 1986 were dress socks and stripy tube socks. That's all we had. But like, here's the thing, he's so casual when he proposes to her, but for the rest of the film, casual Friday, weekend, looking through the classifies, he's so casual when he proposes to her, but for the rest of the film, casual Friday, weekend, looking through the classifies,

he's wearing a buttoned shirt. It makes no sense. He will wear a buttoned shirt until the second he dies, yes. Also, there was a, there's this great thing about the proposal that I love, cause they're sitting on a dock when he does it, and he just sort of sets the box there

and like waits for her to notice. And I so wanted her to get super excited and accidentally knock it into the water because it's right on the edge there. Oh, 100%. I think we're all waiting for that. So I can't, if, when I had proposed to Anna, she had reacted how this actress proposed,

I would have taken it back. Right, I would have said never mind. My wife is so much more, I recently told Anna about the good taco place in our neighborhood reopening and she was so much more psyched than this couple are to marry each other forever. Also, okay, so the montage apparently includes them

getting married, because then we get him like carrying her over the threshold. And apparently like she hasn't seen this house before. Yeah, he surprised her with the house. Right? I guess that was the thing. A guy would just go and buy a whole fucking house and then just be like, surprise, you live here now. That's what we do to puppies. But you also have to remember, this is a white man in the 80s.

So that's true. It's very easy for him to get a job. He makes enough money to support an entire family. She does nothing. And you know that house costs what, $11,000? Yeah an entire family. She does nothing. And you know that house costs what, $11,000? Yeah, really? It's a mansion. Now, I do have a theory. We never see it from the outside fully. So I would like to postulate and hold my truth, hold the space and hold me in the light when I say this. I think it may be a treehouse. No. Based on what we see in the house.

We see from the inside. I think there's a good argument. It's a gorgeous A-frame. I wanted to hate this house, but I was obsessed with the architecture. Oh, that view of the mountain view of the forest. I want to go into this house and like have sex with a dude just cause I know it'll upset their ghosts. Like I'm 100% in. It's very romantic.

There were a lot of stairs outside. Do you remember there's one scene where he's like, gotta go to work now. And then he like climbs a pyramid to get to his car. Oh yeah, no, it's like he's like, it's like he's going to fight ancient wisdom in China or some shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like a Machu Picchu or something. Take all these steps. But it is a beautiful house. I wanted to hate it. I was very confused by like where they live, but later he references San Bernardino and says that he went to UCLA. So yeah, I think they're somewhere

in like the mountains of California, or maybe in the valley or something, but it's beautiful. That was my guess. Yeah, these are the people who vote for Gavin Newsom, but not Katie. Yeah. You're mad. So I am mad.

Are you mad about Shiff? Yeah, I wanted Katie. You know what's funny? She was smart and she had a whiteboard. She did, but Shiff was my guy, man. Yeah, he deserved her. He's fine. Two great options there, yeah. Two great options and Shiff was my guy in LA.

Katie was down in OC. She wasn't my girl. He wears a cologne. Yeah, I get it. He's a bit establishment. I get it. Oh, you're like Katie's not. So, okay. Yeah, I get it. He's a bit establishment. I get it. So you're like Katie's not. So OK.

Yes, exactly. Katie was rogue. Katie was ready. She could have killed. She might have killed the Supreme Court justice. I will. I will vote for Katie for fucking president, but we're getting off track here. So. OK. No, don't worry. There's no movie. Oh, you're right.

You're right. Exactly. We're talking about what I'm the fuck we want. How dare you say that to me? You know what? reminds me of? Oh, oh, okay. So here's something annoying about this scene. We're still in montage mode, right? Montage of the meeting, of them falling in love, of them.

There's a lot of rowboat situations that make me uncomfortable. And then getting married and the house. And then there's like, but this is all film footage, the montage is footage. But then all of a sudden it's like, they show a picture of a birth certificate and several stills of a baby, and I'm like, oh God, the baby died.

Like I can't, I, but why? She couldn't make it to the movie. Right, but then she is in the movie, she's very creepy, changing of the corn-style doll. But like, why did they do that? That was a weird choice. Right, yeah. It felt like when you tell a co-worker,

like a co-worker's like, hey, my son was born and you're like, oh my gosh, adorable. And then they show you more pictures and you're like, you knew I said adorable through social contract, but who? I don't want to see a 12. Why would you think I want more?

Oh, you know what, that, you know what? Now that I've seen that picture, fuck your baby. Like, what are you, stop it, stop it. One, and there's and there's so many fucking pictures were like yes Oh, yeah, the baby existed in the time dimension That's what babies do if you just showed us them with a four-year-old kid We wouldn't be like what what the fuck happened to the baby, you know was that child once a baby or did they just emerge? I am questions. Yeah, I call this montage my Instagram.

Yeah, fair. Yeah. So, okay. So, the montage eventually resolves with dad bouncing the daughter on his knee. Which I have no jokes about. I was happy to know that. I have no jokes. I'd like to point out I have no jokes. Great change. You guys never had jokes about little girls bouncing on their dad's lap.

No, we did not. You haven't faced my struggles. No, mine says. Check your privilege. Mine just says, oh, thank fuck, I thought the little girl would be dead. This is where I got my first ad and super fun fact. When you're air playing your iPhone to your Apple TV,

it like skits us out when ads come up, like it doesn't let you skip them. The whole thing disconnects each time. So I was forced to, well, at first I was forced to sit through the ads and then I was like, I can't handle this so I would refresh and reconnect during every ad break. Anyway, the first ad I saw was this super weird ad

for Newsmax. Yes, I'm so glad you got it too. Yes, Trump was shitting all over Fox. And I was like, what? Like, first of all, why am I being served this ad? Second of all, apparently, according to Newsmax, Fox is now to woke. Yes. What is happening?

Yeah. Well, this was beautiful because I've never been served a perfectly targeted ad that missed. Right, look, let's be clear. The only three humans in history who've watched this movie, who are not sitting there nodding along to this Newsmax commercial are us. Right, this is a perfectly targeted ad. You're right, I didn't even think about that. Of course, it's not about me and my viewing history,

it's because I'm watching this fucking movie right now. Right, right. Oh, God. Or, and all the other movies we've made you watch So fucked you guys yeah, we fucked your other All right So then we get David takes the kid to the bed and then he comes back and he's doing this Like he's trying to be romantic and he's got a little flower and he's moving it back and forth behind the couch And they're playing the jaws theme and shit or dirt I'm sorry. They're playing like one note away from the jaws theme to avoid a lawsuit. Yeah, but like

She can't see it. Thank that's why I wrote my notes. Who is he doing this bit for us? So long back and forth and she's just sitting there going like I will read more of this I guess Yeah, she's just she's just sitting there reading her book I will read more of this, I guess. Yeah, she's just sitting there reading her book on her ugly ass couch with her shoes on. Yes. Who curls up on the couch with their shoes on. Thank you. The 80s were a different time.

You just put your mud soaked urine stained shoes right on the upholstery. What are you doing to your shoes? Seriously. Dunkin' them in mud and then I pee on them. Well, and then David comes back, he's got the rose, she finally does notice it and he goes, you know, I think it's past your bedtime too. And we're like, ooh, fuck you thing, because this is a very attractive couple. But then he's like, no, seriously, we need to go to

bed early to make sure that we get to church on time. You know, we don't want to. And also, it's actually creepier than that. It's, I think it's time for this little girl to go to bed. And I wrote my notes sploosh. Am I right, Karen? Because that's exactly what he just said when carrying his daughter to bed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, okay. So the next morning we I'm getting ready for church. Dave is just looking damn good in a three piece suit. She calls up. She's like, Hey, can you bring my Bible down when you come? And he's like, yeah, but then he gets this cool idea to put a little sweet, I love you

note in her Bible so she can find it in church. And I wrote my notes, okay, the churchiness is going to be a problem, but other than that, me and David could be an item. I think we could. Yeah, he's really romantic. He does wink too much. Yeah. I feel like I would be too sexually adventurous for David. I feel like he would not be ready to burn in my fire, but that's me. I don't think that's unique to you, Eli. I think I have a walking person on the planet.

It's too sexually adventurous for David. Wait, wait, the girl on top, hold on. I didn't hear anyone else saying they pee on their shoes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha me the most angry in this whole film is that when we cut to church, the conductor, that we cut to them, you know, it's like an establishing shot of the church. They're sitting there in the pew, everybody's singing a hymn, he winks at his wife, it's all the, you know, ingredients. And then they cut up to the conductor, I think who's also the pastor, I don't know. And he is conducting the song in two-two, but it is clearly in four, four, and it's making me lose my mind.

It's like Eli clappin' on two and four. Yeah, he's a hands-off conductor, right? He's not micromanaging the rhythm. He'll get around to it when he gets around to it. Also, like, here's a weird question that occurred to me in this moment. Cause like, we did come up with good early religious music, right? We have like Carmina Barana and shit like that.

But then at some point all religious music became like, what, what, what, what? Yeah. Oh my God. Fuck it. The song ends and the pastor goes, excellent singing and we all wrote you fucking lie. Yes.

Yes. I'm going to put this song right up here on the fridge. Yes, I am. Excellent singing and we all wrote you fucking lie. I'm going to put this song right up here on the fridge. Yes, I am. So yeah, so he tells everybody to turn their Bibles to James 1-1 so that he can talk about how later in the movie something will happen. I can't lie. Also, liar. Two lies. Yeah, right, right But he starts the preacher starts talking about those times that tests one's faith So, you know get ready All right, so that night we get the two of them lying in bed David's reading the Bible Like you do because this is the most boring possible couple in his three-piece pajama suit

pouring possible couple in his three piece pajama suit. Yeah. Right, right. Pajamas have a vest, yeah. So, and then she asks, she's like, hey, what did you think about the pastors foreshadowing earlier in the previous scene? Yeah, sorry, that's last scene was a little too subtle for the generation that's gonna be convinced

that Facebook will steal all their pictures at midnight unless they post this status. So do you mind if we go over the fucking higher and lower points? She goes, well, you know, I just, I don't understand why God would like, for example, cause that mudslide that just ruined Tom and Jan's new carpeting. Fucking insane. Here's an actual two sentences that happened in this movie. I think I wouldn't like it if

bad things happened to me. Me too. And I wrote my notes. This is what I picture conversations between Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey being like. It's just on a private jet. That's so sad. So yeah. So, but, but Claire's like, you know, I bet we're gonna have to go through a lot of trials, huh? And David's like, yeah, mostly in the next act, and Claire's like, you know, I bet we're gonna have to go through a lot of trials, huh? And David's like, yeah, mostly in the next act, nothing's gonna happen in the first late in the third act, second act, I guess something's gonna happen, but yeah. Right, and so there's obviously the start

or the continuation of this argument that God makes good people go through bad things to build character. But the weird twist on this, for me at least, was that it's not so much about building character, but they kept using the word joyful. Like this is just, this is joyful. Like how are mudslides joyful?

Well, because it gives you a chance to build character. Yeah. What is the build character thing? This is like, this is a Calvin and Hobbes joke. What the fuck is happening? Yes. Yeah, well, she's like, you know thing? This is like, this is a Calvin and Hobbes joke. What the fuck is happening? Yes, yeah. Well, she's like, you know, why would God like, you know, that Tom is a good and Jan are good Christians.

Why would God mess up their carpet? And David goes, well, you know, I was just reading about how the early Christians were tortured and fed to lions. So, you know, maybe keep your mudslide bullshit and perspective, I guess. I don't know what the point of that was. Oh yeah. I apparently he's what the point of that was. Oh yeah.

Apparently he's saying that the church is better because of all that great persecution they got early on. Right. Somehow the church, they built more churches because of that. There was some sort of quantity argument that I didn't quite understand. Yeah. He gives the example. He's like, imagine if the Romans had just said, sure, worship how you want. And I'm like, well, actually they're king converted to your religion and then made everybody be it. So that was really what spread. That was the Roman kind of thing, is they just let anybody be whatever.

Yeah, he makes the equal yet opposite argument for, he does like a weird Bible red scare next. Yes, yeah. It's like very strange. Like all those communists in Russia and China have to sneak their belief in God. And it's like, yeah, but that's just the same thing, right? Like, like it's the same thing, just the opposite. Like you get that, right?

Like forced. Right. But I like, but his point seems to be that that's better. Right. Because he's like, right. You know, if people were persecuting us, I bet we'd read our Bibles more. And I'm like, dude, you were reading the Bible at the start of this conversation. You can't, you could read, you could have a Bible in each hand, I guess, and read it more that way, right?

Yeah, he actually like says at some point that he was like lazy about reading the Bible. Yeah. Like he's like, I, he literally is like, I've been, I could probably do it. And you're like, in every scene in this movie you're reading the Bible. Yes.

Every scene. Literally. So, you know, I read it when I shit, but not when I pee. You know, I can, I read something. I could get, I could put it on a little stand. Yeah. A little stand stands. So, okay.

So the next morning David calls Tom to help him with that mud slide, right? Cause he's a good Christian and good Christians help people with their mud slides. There's also a great moment where he, he tries to clear his breakfast dishes, but because he's a good husband, but she tells him not to because she's a lady, right?

And she's like, please, please. It's literally the only reason I exist at this point in time perhaps you can't take the day. What else will I do for the rest of my life? Yeah, just watch my child color. Yeah, right. No, I even wrote mom does dishes as is her purpose. Yeah, that's all she can do.

I love the use of the term here. I'm gonna go help him shovel mud. That sounds like gay sex. That's my new favorite phrase. I'm gonna go shovel some mud. Yeah, cause he literally is like, I gotta leave work early and I'm gonna be late tonight. I'll be shoveling mud if you know what I'm saying.

So yeah, so, but he leaves, he's left her a sweet little note on the counter. So she goes to the drawer where she keeps all his, the notes that he leaves her. And it seemed like a sweet habit that he had until she opens this drawer and it's just bursting with 18,000 notes. Now it's just a creepy obsession type thing.

Right, now it's a prank. Yeah. It's like, fuck again. In between the sheets of the toilet paper, David God. So, okay. So we cut to David at work, market papers were finally gonna meet mustache guy. Right?

Rick. Yes, this is Rick. He comes in and he's like, hey, it's time for a break and some dialogue. And he's like, oh, okay. I guess it is. He's also wearing an epic three piece suit. Oh my God.

What is going on with the three pieces? Fucking white vest, white slacks, powder blue shirt. Like it's a look. I'm telling you, nobody misses Rick when he walks in a fucking room. Hell no, hell no. That was a suit to do cocaine and so much cocaine. Rick's hair is so impossibly round too.

It's like a clown. It's like a helmet for a clown is what it is. It's beautiful. So, but Rick is like, hey David, I noticed you've left work early the last couple of days. So, any cool fucking cocaine stuff related to that? Yeah, he's like excited that he's cheating on his wife and then he's like, no, I'm doing service to the Lord. He rolls his eyes.

Oh, the eye roll is priceless. That's my proper response to the proselytizing. Rick became our voice for most of this movie because David will just be like, and I also enjoy a nice refreshing water with lemon. And Rick's like, oh my God, I wanna die. You talk. Well, and it's of course, it's the Christian movie version of a non-Christian, right?

So Rick is like, wait a minute, you're helping your friend, you know, with a mudslide in his home. I'm not a Christian and don't understand kindness. Why would you do such a thing? What is this halop you speak of? And he's like, Mike, and he's like, well, you know, as a Christian, I always have to help everybody. And he's like, oh, dude, you always bring up religion every time we talk to which David says, what, because I brought up Christianity, that's not religious.

Oh, that's the weirdest line in this whole movie. Well, second weirdest, we'll get to the weirdest thing. Yeah. I wrote my notes, really? What is it, nouns? Right, well, but what he's doing is he's doing, and I didn't realize that this bullshit was as old as it is, but he's doing the whole, it's not a religion,

it's a relationship thing. And at one point he says, you know, one of these days, Rick, you're gonna need to be my religion. And I'm like, man, that sounds like a threat. And then I thought about it and I'm like, oh wait, it is a threat though. 100% a threat, yeah.

It's totally a fucking threat. But then he gets a call from Claire and Claire's like, hey, this scene is over actually. And he's like, oh, sorry, Rick, the scene's over, you gotta leave. So Rick, please. Oh, all right. Well, I see you later for dinner. Yeah, I'll this scene is over. Actually, it is like, oh, sorry, Rick, the scene's over. You got to leave. So Rick, please. Oh, all right. Well, I see you later for dinner.

Yeah, I'll take a free meal. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Classic Rick. Classic Rick. Yes. Yeah, they invite Rick over for dinner, which apparently at least to this point is the plot of the goddamn movie. Right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. This is my third. You guys, this movie is so incredibly boring,

nothing has happened, how long is this movie? Right. Yeah, the journey of everyone's notes, because I'm getting more joyful, Noah's getting more nervous, and Kara's getting more desperate for something to happen. It's an excellent progression happening. And I want you guys to understand,

at this point, the three of us have been talking about the movie for longer than the movie has been movieing. Yep, oh yeah. Yeah. By a lot, I'd say. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So I'll tell you what, we're going to take a quick break, regain our bearings and figure out what the fuck to talk about. We'll be back in a flash with even more of Considerate All Joy. Ow. Nope. Still not enough. Still maybe a second shock collar. Well, I mean, I guess we could try.

Hey guys, whatcha doing? Oh, hey Kara. Well, ever since Noah's heart attack, we've been trying to help him eat better, but discouragement doesn't really seem to be doing the trick, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I mean, pain a lot of the time, like, you know, more is just kind of relative, you know? Sure. But guys, you know, if you want to eat healthier, the easy way, why not try Factor? What's Factor? Eating better is easy with Factor's delicious, ready to eat meals.

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Head to FactorMeals.com slash Awful50 and use code Awful50 to get 50% off. That's code Awful50 at FactorMeals.com slash Awful to get 50% off. That's code awful50 at factormeals.com slash awful50 for 50% off. All right, well, looks like we won't need these shock collars after all. Maybe we should keep him on. I have to go to the post office today. Yeah, probably for the best.

The post office. Yeah, lines make him bitey. Sure, makes sense. I don't think it does Are we almost there yep yep just a bit further and there Dude, what the heck is this? Well Fred I knew you weren't convinced by my metaphor about the judge that we talked about and I thought, Mike Golly, why don't I just show him? So, uh, welcome to my courtroom. Your courtroom? Yep, I'm the judge and I built this courtroom and you have been found guilty. Of what? Of all sorts of stuff, but it doesn't really matter because nobody is as great as the judge. Well, how do we know that?

It's Because I built the courtroom. Did you? Mm-hmm. Okay. All right, but so but even if we grant that you built the courtroom that doesn't make you Perfect. Yes, it does. Why? Because you can't build a courtroom unless you're perfect. I don't understand how that's remotely true. The metaphor doesn't hold up for that.

Anyway, you're guilty and the punishment that you're like this. Your punishment is death. Okay. punishment that you're like this your punishment is death. OK, but but I'm going to pay your fine. To yourself. Yes, because and this is serious because I love you. What? OK, so I'm sorry to be clear, you built a courtroom and the defendants, you built the defendants so you could sentence them to death and then pay their fine to yourself.

Because I love you. Yes. I gotta tell you man, setting this in a forest courtroom not only hasn't made it make more sense, it actually made it obvious what a terrible system this is. Well, then I'm afraid I'm gonna have to burn you with fire forever Okay, so you hear how that makes it worse, right? Surprisingly, I do not And we're back for more of this shit we're gonna rejoin the action with David getting home from work

Daughter sure is excited to see him. Yeah, I have to mention that like cuz obviously she's but like I have to mention that Cuz what the fuck else are we gonna talk about? Yes, at this point, I was writing in my notes, I don't know how much time is left in the movie, but I think I might be in hell. Literally nothing has happened in this film. I wrote to this point, this movie could be summarized as generic Caucasian existence.

Oh yeah. Right, stock footage the movie. And I wrote in my notes, how much you want to bet that little girl is homeschooled. Oh yeah, for sure. Yeah. So, you know, he gets home

and the wife is like, oh, you know, we got Rick coming over for dinner. We haven't Christianized him yet, but man, we're still chipping away at him, you know? Yeah, she's like, oh my God, he's going to be here in half an hour. We need to set the table. How long does it take to set the table?

Right? Oh, in the 80s? You don't know. There were so many forks back then. So many forks. It's true too many, it's very good. Salad fork. Do you go from the inside to the outside

or the outside to the inside? I'm still confused by this. Outside, soup fork. Outside in, okay. Dessert fork. So okay. Thanks Eli. So yeah, so Rick shows up for dinner.

They also done to eat, Becky says grace. Is Becky the child? The child has a name? Yeah, yeah, it's on the birth certificate. Of course the child's name is Becky with the good hair. They eat a casserole. Yes. Who does that?

Who literally knows they're having company? Like they're throwing a dinner party and it's like I know what I'll make Casserole Greek Caution meaning whatever canned shit the white lady had in her pantry. Yes my oh Who needed a recipe book when you had the back of a soup can Isn't that what you eat when like there's you're out of food like yes Yeah, this is like well I don't have enough to make a whole meal, but I have enough to make a casserole, yeah.

Yeah, you care, to be fair. The 80s was us being out of food as a nation. We were sort of kind of all out. Reaganomics. Yeah, exactly. Oh, the fucking Rick goes, that casserole looks good. And I'm like, oh yeah, and the church's singing was excellent.

Shut the fuck up. Stop gaslighting me movie. Really, Rick? Describe what you like about it. Really? Awesome. I like that it looks like it can't become or shit, but also both.

Ew. They also cut to the child's plate multiple times and it's clearly not a casserole. Nope. She's got like whole vegetables on her plate. And it's very confusing. Yeah, no, she's eating the leftover carrots from their picnic.

Yeah, right. And why this is just so much wrong with the seed. All the men, and by all the men I guess I mean Rick and Dave, are wearing neck ties. Like they're fully in their work clothes with their ties like dangling in their casserole. Casual ties, they're not even in a double Windsor Cara. These guys are my facts.

What are the sort of rules? I don't know these things. Do you wear a tie when you're eating dinner? You wear a tie while you fuck your wife is what you do in 1986. You had a fucking tie that you wore. So, and then they have this, like this, they're supposed to just be having some banter,

Rick and Dave. No, I can't with the banter. Oh my God, I can't with the banter. I like to cook, I like to eat. That's why we're so good at friends. I'm good at cooking, I'm good at eating. It just, this goes on for like three, fuck. It's eternal.

Have you ever talked to an old person and you're like, oh yeah, it lasted too long, huh? Probably shouldn't have been around this long. It's young people's version of that. That's why old people talk like that. They were young people who talked like this. In 1986.

Yeah, right. Right. So, okay, so after dinner, David goes to put the kid to bed and Rick and Clara sit around while Rick admires their fucking hobby lobby plaque decor. Yeah. OK. I thought there was at least going to be the offer of a threesome here. I found this scene very disappointing. The rain. So yeah.

So Rick is looking at this plaque that says God is love. And he's like, hey, I have a question for you about your religion, which is like, Rick, what are you doing? Right? You were our guy earlier. With the eye rolls, we were with you. You don't open the door to her. You know better. Every Christian just dreams of this moment when their non-Christian friend says, I would

like to talk about your religion. I hate to argue with you, but I say that if any of us were trapped in a room with people this boring We too would start reading the furniture and asking So there's probably a bunch of cut footage of him being like so that chair You talk now Really three with the done the trick So yeah, so but now I will say like in Rick's defense, if I was stuck with this couple,

I might try to provoke this fight too, right? He just doesn't follow through because he goes, so your plaque says God is loved. So why would there be a hell? And I'm like, oh, that's a great question, Rick. I bet David's answer is real stupid. Yeah. And it is, his answer is some people deserve

to burn for eternity. Yeah. Yeah. It's the judge metaphor that Christians are always so sure is great, but they often confuse themselves while they're laying it out. Yes. Oh, this is so, oh, this is, it's a lot. How are you guys? I'm interested in just sitting back quietly and hearing how you guys explain this scene to the audience. Okay, so David basically says, okay, so imagine that you're a traffic court judge. And I'm like, why not just a regular judge?

Why is it always fucking traffic court? Why do they have to make it so anti-tide? Anyway, you're a traffic court judge and you're the judge and your son comes in and he's the defendant, what would you do? And I'm like, well, I'd recuse myself obviously. You'd recuse yourself 100%. Yeah, like by law. I'm sure I have to.

But not this judge because he's God. No, right. So this judge says the right thing to do would be to convict him and issue a fine, but then pay that fine yourself. And I'm like, that is three different wrongs in a row. Yes, all the things are wrong. You should convict him by default. Then you should pay his fine for him. Then you have to pay the fine to your side. It's all wrong, it's wrong, on, wrong, on, wrong.

Well, and that's just where the analogy falls apart, right? Is that like, you're paying the fine to yourself in this instance, right? Who is God paying the fine to yourself in this instance, right? Who is God paying the fine to? Yeah. And also, it's a hard turn when he just goes, that's what God did when he murdered his kid. Yes.

That's the confusing part, right? This analogy really breaks down when he says that God sent his son to earth to die. To pay the fine. Yeah, but that's not paying a fine, that's death. Yeah, why are you using such a weird milk toast example when your punchline's gonna be, and the sacrifice of Abraham was fulfilled

by the blood of the lamb? And also it's like, here's the part where I'm confused because being raised Mormon like fucked me up in a lot of ways. And one of the things that's very specific to the Mormon theology is that the Trinity is not a thing. Like there's God, there's Jesus, and there's the Holy Ghost, and there's three separate entities. Like that is really important to their theology. So as I'm listening to this, I'm like, this doesn't make any sense.

You're talking about paying the fine yourself, but that's not what you're saying happened because your kid died. That's not you as the judge coming in to pay the fine. That's you letting your kid take the fucking heat. Well, and then also like he didn't die either because he came back to life. So that would be like paying the fine yourself

but actually having your kid pay it, but actually taking it back and giving him the money back afterwards. None of it makes any fucking sense. Well, I'm pretty sure it's still fucking hurt when he died. Sure, sure. Is that the hard part of dying? Like just because you come back.

No, no. It doesn't mean you didn't die. Okay, I would argue the hard part of dying is not the hurt on the way. It's the not existing anymore. It's the fact that you don't get to continue to live as a human. This is an interesting take, right?

Because this is something I study. This is something I'm actually quite interested in as a researcher, not to take a hard left turn. Ooh, yeah. What do those people's teeth tell you? There are. I can't. You know what?

When you do a Google search, your fake website is too high now. It's so high. It's way up there, Karen. We're going to need to negotiate for some change for my career. I started this train in motion and I don't know how to stop it. We can stop it. We'll stop it. I have a plan. This is Big Jizzy Man Cow and Marsh's Wikipedia page all over. I have a plan.

But anyway, so it's pretty interesting because there are quite a few psychometric tools, so psychology assessments, surveys, that really try to dial into this. And it's different for everyone. So fear of death is pretty universal, but most people, or I shouldn't say most, people who fear death, fear wildly

different aspects of death. And so whereas you said pretty adamantly, like clearly the part that sucks about dying is the fact that you no longer exist, only a certain percentage of people feel that way. A lot of other people are afraid of the pain that comes with death or the fear that surrounds them. I've done pain. I've done that. You do pain all the fucking time. Yeah, but you've never done death pain. I've done pretty close to death pain.

No one's starting to die and he's like, text Kara. Text Kara. This isn't just bad, it's the heart attack one. This is anywhere close to as bad. I had a migraine once that lasted two and a half days. Yeah. And see my fear of death is that no one will keep renewing the domains of my prank website. Yeah, right, right.

So like we're all coming in for different angles. That's a legitimate, we need to add that to the study. Don't you worry about that, Eli. But I do love Rick's response, right? Because he does this whole stupid judge my law, you gotta pay the fine to yourself from yourself, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? And Rick just goes, yeah, I don't know. He's not so sure about human sacrifices,

a means of adjudicating masturbation kills. When you put it that way, Noah. Also, there's this fucking fantastic film making choice because he does the like, oh, it costs you your pride, blah, blah, blah, blah. And they do a pan across because they think this is a very deep moment, but it makes it seem like Rick's just going into his own

doodly-do out of boredom. Right? He's just like, we lost Rick guys, we lost him, bring him back. We lost him, bring him back. No, Rick is like, I don't know. I don't know if I believe in a God that would be generous enough to pay my traffic fine for me. And he says, no, no, there's still a cost to it.

It's your pride. You have to admit that you fucking suck. Yeah. And yes, that is a huge part of Christianity, admitting that you suck and saying that you suck out loud all the fucking time and then acting like you don't. Right. That's the other big part. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, he's literally, they cut to them lying in bed talking about how Rick is bad at Christian. And he literally says to her, no matter how many times I explain it to Rick,

he just doesn't seem to understand. And I'm like, yeah, you and me both must ash. It's very confusing. Right, maybe the problem is that what you're telling Rick is nonsense. Right? Yes. Yeah. This is of course where I realized for the first time that the point of this movie is that David's eventual death is going to be like the why of David's death is going to be justified by the fact that it will Christianize Rick. So just get ready for that. I was so bored that I didn't even

realize David is going to die in this movie. I hadn't put those things, I was still confused as to why she was hanging out with Rick at the beginning of the movie and looking through a photo album. She goes, do you think Rick will ever become a Christian? And David's like, well, I'm sure it'll happen in the next 37 minutes minus the credits. Yeah, it's just gonna, bound to happen.

Intermittable. Well, they just have to keep praying for him. Okay, so we cut to the next morning the family sitting around having breakfast and Claire goes to get the sugar and there's a note in the sugar and at first I'm like, okay, dude That's just fucking gross, but no this one is the one that the daughter left for her Yeah, I wrote this scene is kind of cute shut up. Don't at me. Yeah, right. Yeah No, I wrote this I was like look cute. Shut up, don't at me. Yeah, right. Yeah. Sorry, guys. No, I wrote this thing.

I was like, look, I'm supposed to make fun of that. It's my job. But if my son ever does that for me, I'm going to insert that note under my eyelids so I can see it every time I blink. Yeah. She opens it thinking it's going to be from Dave, and then it's in like Daughter's crayon scrawl.

And she looks at the daughter, and the daughter's so pleased with herself. And then the husband like winks at the daughter and I was like, oh God, this is too much. And they all have a hug and they all smooch and yeah, it's always really, really, really sweet. There is a great moment though where she pauses afterwards and it seems like

she's not ready to tell the daughter she loves her back. Like she's like, oh yes, I love spending time. Value our time together. And I think that labels would make that too similar to what other people experience. Why are you crying? Why are you crying? All right. So now we're kind of, something's going to happen in this movie, I swear.

So we cut to Dave, he's at work, Rick comes in and tells him the boss needs to talk to him. Now we're going to get to him going to see the boss and the boss is into the dupe and it's going to be amazing. But before that, I have to point to this computer that sitting behind Dave in his office, you could crawl in that motherfucker and lie down. I would give you a thousand goddamn dollars for whatever the fuck that computer has. This is something on a shelf in Noah's house that he's like, you know, this is the first Gallagher. Yeah. Oh, that they just looked yeah, yeah. Oh, oh, that thing just looked amazing.

Anyway, so yeah, so he goes to the boss's office. This is the first time that we see the toupee. This is the only time we see the toupee. I see it every time I close my fucking eyes. I see, I see. I see. It looks like Walter Mathow dressed as a beetle for Halloween. It's insane.

Like I am not exaggerating when I say I have seen more convincing wigs at the fucking Halloween, the spirit Halloween store, right? Yeah, it's like an Elvis wig, cause it's like jet black. This guy's stupid. It is black on black. And none of the other hair on this man is jet black.

And it's like really dramatic against the wooden room that he's sitting in, in a green leather chair. It's all so 80s. I just, I love it. It almost looks like they added his hair in post. It's incredible. So, so he comes in, we all pause for them for a moment to take in the toupee. We start the scene again and he's getting fired. The boss is firing David, but he's doing it in the most roundabout, like trying to sneak up on the job from the side kind of a manner. Yeah.

I thought that he like, but if you fuck me was what he was coming around to, but he doesn't. Right. This dialogue makes sense if like, but you know, I've always wanted to know if a man is different at giving oral sex than it will be. So what do you think? Oh, and this is the first weirdest.

Here comes the first weirdest line in the whole movie. You guys remember? He's like, he does, it takes him forever to tell him he's fired and clearly Dave's like, I get it. I'm fired remember? He's like, he does, it takes him forever to tell him he's fired and clearly Dave's like, I get it, I'm fired. Like you can just, you don't have to keep him in and hawing. And then, but then the first thing he asks him is, how long is this for? Yes, yes. You're fired, dude. That's forever. I was gonna ask you guys because your old people was, were firings a temporary thing until 1992 no like a timeout

No, so you could get laid off temporarily right like a company would like a lay a person off and then like months later You know whenever the business picks back up they would they would get him again, but he doesn't say you're laid off He says you're fired. He says they've eliminated your position because of the merger. So yeah, no, that's a your fired thing. Yeah, and he's giving him severance. Yeah, and Vant is two weeks vacation pay. I wrote, ooh, severance, what's that? Yeah, right. Lucky bastard.

It's a different time. We're living in a different time. But then, but David is like, well, you know, boss, I'm not worried about this because I'm a Christian and I'm sure that God has something even better in the works for me. And the boss is like, hey, you know, boss, I'm not worried about this because I'm a Christian and I'm sure that God has something even better in the works for me. And the boss is like, hey, you know, whatever it takes for you to walk the fuck out of my office, right, goddamn, now.

Yeah, yeah. Dave is really showing his psychopathy card here and the boss is looking, he's forming. He's weirdly insistent. He's weirdly insistent about it. It's like he's saying, well, you know, I actually had another job set up But what he's at but the words coming out of his mouth are the creator of the universe has promised nothing bad will ever happen

Well, so I wrote my notes I bet the boss is feeling better about fire at him now, right? But of course in this stupid movie the boss is like feeling better about fire at him now, right? But of course, in this stupid movie, the boss is like overawed by how Christian he is about his firing, right? Yeah, it's pretty inconsistent because they do say that later. But in this scene, the boss is terrified.

He is really uncomfortable. His tech to pay is just a shaking, yeah. Yeah, it's literally spinning around on his head. This reminds me of the only time this happened to me when I worked at the toy store, which is I declined to hire someone and he emailed me back to say that God had put in his heart that he would end up working in the toy store we worked at. So he applied through the main toy store and then he was a convicted child sex offender. So he didn't get to work at the stars. That's what this memory invoked in me. That's what this scene did. Sure. Yeah. Okay. So, okay. So David goes home to tell Claire the bad news. She's like,

so how was your day? And he goes, ah, that's a great question that you have asked how my day was. Different. Different. Yeah, that's the word he used. I feel like my wife would not like me to say getting laid off was different. Yeah. Yeah. And then she goes, how long is it for? Yeah. What is happening?

I couldn't. I was like, what? This is where it's in all caps in my notes. I said, is this a rich white people thing? Temporary firings? It is though. Like, I don't understand. So yeah, so it's so, but she? Temporary firings? It is though. Like I don't understand. So yeah, but she's like, I don't understand it at all.

You were employee of the year last year. And he's like, yeah, it turns out that that's just the thing they give you instead of money. It means absolutely fucking nothing. Yeah, no, it's just, it's literally they let you know that you were the least troublesome employee. That's what they mean. And he goes like, he's like,

don't worry, God is still in control, you just have to trust him. And I'm like, I cannot think of anything that would make me more nervous to hear in that moment. If I was Claire, then the words he just fucking said. And Claire is clearly a multi-dimensional character, the only multi-dimensional character in this film. Like she is struggling with this, right?

She's like, I don't buy it. And then he gives her like a chachki, like a Christian chachki. And I'm like, who, you just got fired. Why are you spending money on this? Yeah. I thought you might be having doubts. So I went to Hobby Lobby, still no barcodes, don't worry.

And got us this stupid plaque that says everything's going to be alright. Yes, yes, right, right. And the plaque says, in every situation, just trust that God will do. For those who trust Him wholly will find Him wholly true. That's the quote. In other words, if you promise to believe regardless of the evidence, this is going to seem super true.

It will seem true as It's the operative word. If evidence doesn't change your beliefs, your beliefs never have to change. Yes, exactly. Good touch. We put this in a frame for you. I need reminders of all the true things that I know. I don't know about you guys, but I have a bunch of like- Hang them on my wall. Gravity is real. Kindness is important. I just put that around. I have cause, proceeds, effect up in my office. like gravity is real, kindness is important. I just put that around.

I have college proceeds effect up in my office. So yeah, so then we get this amazing him looking for a job montage. Yes. And you know he's at home because he's in a casual collared button up shirt. And there's a smooth baseline behind it. Oh my God, a death bass line.

With a little synth for flair. Oh, it's so good. When the music came on, I said, looking for jobs to the music no was conceived for. Yeah, right. And also, like, look, if you're, if I'm filming a montage of a guy looking for a job, I'm going to have him going in and out of things. I'm sitting there taking interviews. This movie didn't have time for all that shit. We get an entire montage of him circling ads in the classifieds and then crossing them out. Yeah, and then, ooh, my favorite, they're sort of an interstitial because they go to bed at night

and they show him sleeping like a fucking baby, not a care in the world. Yeah. She's looking rough. And I'm like, welcome to the fucking patriarchy. And then the second day, oh my God, his shirt, it's so epic, I want it. It's all I could think about. I still am thinking about that cool 80s shirt he was wearing. Oh yeah.

Yeah, no, that's the thing is that he thought maybe the problem when he was looking for jobs yesterday is that his shirt wasn't jaunty enough. So he's gone with the jauntyest possible fucking shirt. I think that's legitimate. Honey, I went out and bashed a jester and I feel like this will really help me for my phone interviews.

I love it. Here, I'm getting you this shirt. Please do. I will wear it every day. It's like color blocked. It's so fucking cool. So. Oh, oh, and then clearly like he can't find a job

and so the baseline, which is going the whole time, it's like, bam bam bam bam bam bam bam. It's like so like cool. At the end it goes, womp womp. It does, literally just slows down and womp womp. So now, okay. So then we get David and Rick,

they're out on a boat and I love this boat. Cause Rick's like, boy, I love Saturdays. It's great having a day off at work. Oh shit, I'm sorry man. Ah, the day after. Yeah, I shouldn't have brought it up. He asked me how the job hunt's going and he goes, oh, so going as bad as this fishing, I'll tell you, Rick. This was the only way men could communicate until 2011, Kara, okay? This was all men were legally allowed to say to each other. If you

said an emotion, you went to jail. That's true. Jail. For homosexuality. You guys, at this point, Rick and his jaunty hat, did you notice that his hat looked like they just took like the tag off of it? Yes. It's like this very crisp bucket fishing hat that they like put little, I guess, what are those things called? Like the little baits? Yeah.

What do they call it? Like like the, yeah with the hooks. Worms, are you trying to say the word worms? No, they're not real worms. They're fake. Tackle, it's tackle. There we, okay. They put the tackle like- I had a terrifying moment.

In his hat. What you thought worms were fish. No, no, he's wearing a, he's wearing a fucking fishing hat with, with fish hooks in it and tackle like stuck to the hat. Like I don't, whatever. I don't think anybody does that. But I noticed at this point I look down this is the half way point of

We are only 30 minutes less like 26 minutes into the movie at this point right oh And of course this is where he's got to go like oh and hey by the way What did you say to the boss when you were when he fired you? He was so impressed with all your Christianity and everything, right? Yeah. To be fair, if someone had said that to me as I fired them, I would also repeat that story. Yeah, well, that's true. Yeah. So, but yeah, but David explains the Jesus-iness of it all. I wrote that in my notes and then Spelchuk didn't underline Jesus-iness, which baffles me. Yeah, he said, because I'm a Christian, God has promised to work everything out for my good, which I didn't realize that was the tagline of Christianity. I missed that one.

That's a pretty good promise. I'll take that. Yeah. So we're, it's okay. So then we cut to Claire and she's surrounded by paper bills the way the poor people do, you know, where we just surround ourselves with all the bills we can't pay just so we can stare at them. Oh, Christian movie bingo card. Yep. Everybody, there's a square we haven't filled in in a while. But David shows up. He's there to comfort her in a sweater so awful.

I'm surprised Eli doesn't own the damn thing. I want that sweater. Yep. Kara wants the shirt. I want the sweater. Sure. Fair. Oh yeah, I did right.

Don't worry, honey. My fair isle sweater will make everything better. It's intense. It's also a bit too, it's like one size too small. But everything he wears is one size too small. Everything's one size too small on David's massive pecs. So I don't understand this just from a practical perspective. So this is like a middle- He does a lot of push-ups and a lot of lies.

No, not that. I'm changing thoughts here, Eli. Okay, so this is an upper middle class, white Christian family. It's a mom, dad and child, and they live in like a fucking nice A-frame house in the woods in California. Mountain cabin, yeah, we need the Poo's house here.

How do they have no savings? Literally, he lost his job last week and now they're like, fucked do they have no savings? Literally he lost his job last week and now they're like, fucked. They have no money. They say they have $200 in the checking account. Yeah, and so, but like we actually like sit there and listen to David explain which bills they have to pay right away and how they're gonna,

how much do they have in groceries and stuff. This goes on for like two fucking minutes, but we finally resolve with, yeah, see, we've got enough money to not die for a whole week. One week? And then Claire's like, yeah, but then what? Like how? I just don't get it. Right. A week?

I don't know, maybe more time is supposed to have gone by or whatever. It was the 80s, Kara. You didn't need savings. Everyone died at 33 and a half. So if you made it to your 34th birthday, they give you a gold watch, which you could sell for enough money to preserve you

until you passed away. And clearly his ethic is God will take care of us. We don't need any form of financial planning. Yes, right, exactly, right. So he says that at the end, he's like, well, you know, Jesus will take care of us after that. She says, I wish I had as much faith as you. And I'm like, are you sure you don't mean

I wish you had as little faith as me? Right, yeah. Or I wish you had a plan besides the creator of the universe, got you? Yeah. All right, well, clearly this movie's plot is stalling. So we're gonna give it a minute to like, I don't know, get through traffic or whatever the hell.

But first, let me have Act 3 of the Hard Cell. Will they be able to find parking at the grocery store? Will she fully preheat the oven before baking that spaghetti? Is the Johnson's shed a little closer to the property line than the HOA permits? Find out the answers to questions exactly that Caucasian and boring when we return for the finally something happens conclusion of considerate all joy. And so that's why I'm afraid I've got to let you go. I understand boss.

I'm glad again very sorry. Well you know I don't take this the wrong way but I believe that God has larger plans for me. Hmm? Yeah, yes sir as a Christian I know that God has a very special mission for me. And so, you know, this is just part of his plan. Oh, yeah. Sorry, it's God. God has a plan. Jesus Christ has a very...

I'm sorry. What do you do in there? No, nothing. I was just putting away my letter opener. Don't need to open any letters right now. Sure. Sure. Yeah. So anyway, so so Christ knows all and he sees all this job and everyone in it. He has a plan for them. Everyone in the building. Sure. Hey, Mary, can we get security up here real quick? Why why why you call it security? There's a bird in the vents. Sure. Yeah, I got it. Anyway, so God's plan for me isn't about this job It's about the fate of the universe and of my soul Your soul of course it is. Hey, I'm gonna step out of this room for a second

But we're gonna have someone help you with your stuff to your car Oh, I had no need for that boss. No, I I insist okay, then Good seeing you Nice guy, hey, Mary, would I say security? I mean fucking that dude's gonna wear me as a hat fuck And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to open up the next day with Claire making dinner, when she turns around and all of a sudden there's David with a big fucking bouquet of roses. Yeah, she instantly goes, you got a job. And I was like, the first thing I thought was, why the fuck are you spending money on roses? You guys can't pay your bills.

Yeah. Right. But why would you start with that? Like, well, because what if his thought was, why the fuck are you spending money on roses? You guys can't pay your bills. Yeah. Right, but why would you start with that? Like, what if his answer was, oh no, somebody just gave me this. No, I had an affair. I just... Oh man. That'd be so good.

But she did get a job and he's like, she's like, well, how did you get a job? And he starts telling us the story in this like, bizarre amount of superfluous detail. Oh my God, this is again, a boring story you can't escape from where someone's like, oh my gosh, this is actually really funny. And you're like, hey, can I punch you if it's not?

No, she said it's a really funny story. So like, I can just hit you if it's not, right? No, you're done with your story. Let me tell you how stupid this fucking story is. The guy who just spent what, what, what we had an hour and 10 minutes into this fucking episode to talk about the first 36 minutes of this movie, that guy just told you the details were superfluous. Yeah. So, yeah, but, but like a child explaining an episode of their favorite cartoons, he explains how he got his fucking job, right? From, he ran into a dude at the fucking hardware store.

That's all that fucking happened. That's it. He tells us that in 360 words. Yep. Anyway, so now we jump forward three months, I guess. Right? Right. Randomly, they didn't give us any cue except that...

Well, yeah. Then they say it's three months later. Right. And the laziest, dumbest possible way. So he's getting ready for work. He's putting on his tie, because you know, you have to wear a tie to have sex or use the bathroom or whatever in 1986.

He casts a role. That's his post shit in tie. Yeah, right. So he's putting on his tie and his wife is standing there. He goes, do you know what today is? She goes, no, what is it? He goes, it's the three month anniversary

of me starting my new job. And I'm like, what kind of weird motherfucker would know that? Exposition. Oh, and before they do that, they do these weird cutaways because we didn't mention this at the beginning. It's actually not important. I don't know why I'm bringing it up. But early on when she's talking about meeting David and falling in love with David, she's like, I moved to the lake. So like they live at the lake, generic. The lake, yeah, they live in a lake. And they keep doing these cutaways of the lake, but they're like straight out of Evil Dead. They're the weirdest. Like there are multiple times in this film where the music choice or the like filters that I guess they weren't filters back then but like the way that they chose to do the

visuals are straight out of a horror movie. Right because they don't know and there's also scenes that are directly out of a porn but they don't know. Oh we're gonna get to some of those in a second man. Oh by the way also while while you were talking Kara I remembered that I was really excited when we had a scathing episode come out on February 29th so that we could have one for every calendar date. So I want to retract the thing I said about what kind of weird motherfucker would know three months. I was gonna say, know it!

Yes! All right, but yeah, so dad leaves for work. The mom and the daughter go bike riding, and I only bring that up because of how incredibly and impossibly careless it now looks to see a four year old riding on the back of a bike with no helmet. Oh my god. Oh my god. It's so terrifying to me. I wouldn't let someone ride their bike near my three year old, let alone fucking prop him up on the handlebars with a fucking pair of tuning forks and a seesaw to keep him up there or whatever the hell is going on.

I did not even know that this was just so of my childhood. The only thing I noticed is that it's one of those weird molded plastic bike seats that's like bolted to the bike behind the seat. And that just the way that it's stuck there, the child's view. So the child is behind mom, not in front of mom, and her view is like mom's tramp stamp.

Right, yes. Exactly. It's the strangest. Like how would that be fun for that child? Yeah, right? So yeah, so they go on their bike ride and then mom reads her a book about how awesome Jesus is. Bizarre little snippet of this book that we get about how the flowers have nice clothes or whatever

the fuck that was. Oh my god, it's my favorite Jesus story. I'm so I we've never had a Christian movie do the part where Jesus was like you're all naked to me and they were like what and he was like nothing. Just saying. So yeah, but just then there's a knock on the door and it's a police officer there to tell her that David is dead, finally. Yeah, it took a dark turn. We all saw it coming.

Hey, I think if someone answers the door with their four year old, you maybe take them aside. Yeah. Right. But he's like, yeah, so there was an accident, your husband's all kinds of dead. Don't worry, it wasn't his fault because he's a fucking saint

that does no wrong in this movie. It was a drunk driver. Right. But he really gets into it, he's like, and then he fell off the side of the road and it speared through his heart and he actually didn't die right away. No, he was in so much pain.

He was begging God to really, how you doing little kids? Noah says that's not really the bad part, but trust me, that's the bad part. It's the bad part. I think he was really excited to not exist anymore because his current existence was just so bad. It was so boring. You know? Yeah, we couldn't make a movie about it.

Anyways, then this three-year-old came and took his teeth. Oh, God. What? That's a callback. But she says like he was killed. And then there's this weird like dong sound and this camera zooms in on her all shaky and sure. Yeah, her face goes all wide. It's like a groovy camera effect.

And I really got her pain in that moment. Yeah, no, they were very proud of the director was very proud of that moment. So OK, so then we get her like she flashes back to the rest of the movie, right? You know, she's like now remembering all the scenes we saw earlier. Again, imagine that she's telling Rick this story the whole time. This is still her answer to how did you two meet in her story? She's now remembering things that were in her story. Yeah. Well, I mean, to be fair, if she had a little more character to start out with, God wouldn't have had to kill her husband to shape her up.

Oh, that's true. No, that's true. Maybe read a little more fiction. That's all I'm saying. Yeah, that's another, that's like a weird thing about all this lore too. It's like Dave dying. Yes, it happened to him, but like now he don't know about it anymore. Yeah, right, right, yeah. It actually happened to her. And what the fuck did the child do to deserve that?

She just didn't have enough character. No, trust me, that child was gonna grow up to be a fucking asshole without this. And this character upgrade she got early and often, much needed, trust me. Yeah, clearly, clearly. Although later, and I know I'm flashing forward later, she does not seem bothered by the fact

that her dad- No! She's like, mom needs to get over this. Yes! I have a hunch. Here's my thought. Okay, if you guys heard of the term philosophical zombies, right, which is the idea that not all humans have consciousness, that some humans might just be acting like they have consciousness.

What? Right? The way that like, we're pretty sure that there are like, we can attribute that to like clouds and fish and certain kind of animals that we know don't have higher consciousness. I think at least half this cast are philosophical zombies. At least half.

Okay. That's fair, that's fair. Yeah, right. And I can't argue with you. So we'll just go on. So now we get a fucking sadness montage. Yes, we just watch her be sad in different places. She's sad on the porch. She's sad in bed. She's sad at breakfast. She's sad at church. Right? But she doesn't really ever cry. She just kind of stares into space a lot. Yeah. For women was illegal until 9-11,

Kara. Yeah, that's true. Which you would know if you weren't doing it. That's fair. I guess also therapy was illegal because she didn't actually help. Oh, well, definitely that's for real. Yeah, right. She wasn't a crazy person, come on. But yeah, yeah, also I just want to point out

that when we see her being sat at church, apparently they're still leaving an empty space in the pew for David. Like his ghost is there. Y'all remember Dave, he's the one who died in such terrible, terrible agony. How you doing little girl? And so we're just gonna all space out like Dave's still here for the next six to eight months for dramatic montages. And then we get my favorite scene in this movie and maybe my favorite scene in any movie this year so far Yeah, this is a good scene. Oh my god. So we have these two church ladies. They're gossiping about Claire and they are the fucking war

Bad people they're just this is how I talk about people. Hey Bad people. They're just- This is how I talk about people. Hey, if you wanna know who I really am, podcast listener, this is what I do. This is just me. This is the real me is just an old lady being like, that lady is being a real bee about her dead husband.

Let me tell ya. She's been grieving way too long at this way. Well, you'd think she'd be over it by now, but no, she's still grieving. She literally says that. Yes. You'd think she'd be, like but no, she's still grieving. She literally says that. Yes. You'd think she'd be like, like she's performatively grieving and now,

oh God, it's taking, I have to feel sorry for her. I can't believe that. And like, okay, here's the, like, can we just, I've got to deconstruct this for a second. I've got to get in the minds of the people who made this film, because this is a pro-Christianity film. Right.

So why did they make the church ladies awful? The worst possible humans. That's not supposed to be awful. That's not supposed to be awful? No, I think that's supposed to be like get over it. No, I didn't- Yeah, but that's awful. It's awful to say that.

Right, when she's talking to Barbara, they make clear that this is supposed to be awful, that they at least recognize that this is fucking awful. But yeah, the women are going like, yeah, you know, she's, she's, you gotta wonder about a person's spiritual commitment if they're still sad that their husband went to heaven this deep into it, right? I feel like the old ladies have a pretty solid point. No, no. If I genuinely believed that all the people in my life died were zipped to a dimension of Infinite joy for all eternity it'd be inconvenient

But I would also kind of feel like I had to get over it relatively quick No, that's fair. That's fair. They literally say they need to pray for her so that God will change her quote bad attitude Bad attitude. That's what I think. I think that was all a quote. I wrote that one down too, Kara. It's we better pray for her that God would change her bad attitude. Perfect. The woman whose husband just died.

Like I think at this point, it's supposed to be what, like two months ago or something. At most, yeah. At most, yeah. She's like, yeah, just like she doesn't see very thankful about God killing her husband

at all. And then they walk away and Claire was standing behind them. Right. She's inch from their fucking faces. I left for so long. I left for a minute. A Christian calendar minute at how close to them she was. So okay. So when we go back home, she's cleaning up and she notices one of David's notes that

she apparently hadn't noticed to this point. A note from the grave. Well, right. The horror movie strings that show up behind it certainly suggest that, right? Yeah. And I have to be clear, like we're not exaggerating. The movie does literally a... Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And so she picks up the note, it says, I love you more than words could ever say. And look, I like the note thing, David, I really do, it's very sweet, but try harder, okay? I'm just, that is barely like one step above heart candy in terms of sentiments.

Yeah. David, I'm gonna need you to make a Jewish friend to up your note game. Yeah, there you go. I know you're doing the best you can. Also it occurred to me in this moment because I do this I Leave Lucinda little notes like that all the fucking time And I just it never occurred to me how creepy that would be if she finds one after I die So I think I should stop doing that shit. Yeah, or leave them in more obvious places, right?

Right, yeah, if you start to feel the chest pain again be like note under the sink Right. Yeah. If you start to feel the chest pain again, be like, no, don't do it. They think there's another. Also tell Kara that this hurts. And it's normal. It's normal about her. So OK. So then all right, there's a she's she's sitting there being sad, looking at the note and everything. And suddenly there's a ring on the doorbell.

It is a character that we've never met who is going to join us 41 minutes into a 58 minute movie. I love her though. It's a lovely, safe porn here to come be the movie now. It's very obviously a lesbian porn. Everything about this place, this is a lesbian porn at this moment. Yes. It's true. So she's come over to borrow an egg, right? And I'm sorry, like, I know that was like a normal thing in the 80s probably, but I would freak the fuck out if one of my neighbors showed up asking me for an egg, right?

Wouldn't that be the weirdest goddamn thing in the world? Yes, bro, I don't think that would be weird. What? It's so insane. First of all, go buy your own fucking egg. Like what a weird thing to do. You're gonna borrow an egg, what? And then you're gonna come back later after you buy eggs.

What is so important? The pan is hot. You didn't check that you had fucking eggs before you began the cooking process. You know, wait a minute. Stop cooking. Go buy eggs. No, it's not weird.

It's not weird. I disagree with you guys. It's super weird. You're in California. You do this, that's what it is. And Kara does this shit. She's trying to normalize it and make it seem like she's not a lunatic.

No, they're ignoring all the context. This woman showed up to her door, apologized profusely, was like, I'm so sorry. I was in the middle of baking a cake and I realized I didn't have enough eggs. I'm sure one egg, is there any way I could borrow one egg? So go to the fucking store, you fucking polyamory freak. They live in the woods. They live in the woods.

They live in the woods. You just roll out of bed in between the two fashion models of whatever gender they've chosen that day, every morning, you borrow your breakfast eggs from the commune across the street. Yeah, okay, stop. Don't you care, Santa Maria. Stop trying to turn me against Barbara and Claire

in our wild, wild ways. You guys are just jealous. This is jealousy. I know that's all this is. So, okay. So, but Claire's like, yes, this is a perfectly normal thing for you to ask for. I will go get you an egg. And while she's going to get an egg, Barbara notices this plaque, one of the Christian Hobby Lobby Chachkies. So when she comes back, she says, I see that you have a plaque with a verse from Joshua on it on your wall. Are you a Christian? I wanted her so badly to be like, no, I just love words.

I love words on paper. Big fan. And she says, well, yes, I am a Christian. And Barbara goes, well, so am I. I'm like, yeah, what are the fucking in California 1986 here we are in 1986 in California to Christian's as we call ourselves oh fun and then she compliments her husband she's like hey your husband's too hot to be in the movie and I know she's like he was I finally somebody acknowledges it though, right?

Yeah. But also, like, isn't that a weird thing to say? Like, because like, she doesn't know that the dude's dead yet. She's just like, wow, your husband is extremely attractive. What I would say is what I would say. We have a hot listener who dresses up like Superman. He probably wants to be treated like a human being. Every time I see him, I'm like, look at your body.

I want to lick it. And he's like, not OK him, I'm like, look at your body. I want to lick it. And he's like, not okay. And I'm like, you can't make me stop. So she says, yeah, that's a lovely husband of yours. I bet he's alive and stuff on. She's like, no. And Barb's like, oh, sorry. So, yeah.

And then there's very clearly the like, so you're single. Clearly the like, so you're single? What do you say? Well, so no, I read this as so, can I just get the fucking egg now? I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to get- You're holding it and apparently this is normal, but I don't know if they, is there a ceremony, Kara? I'm not an egg hippie like you, I don't know.

Does one do a bow, say namaste? Put on a yarmulke, like the Jews you are. I feel like it's too important for you guys to make everything weird. And this is the least weird part of this entire film. It's just a nice lady checking in on her neighbor whose husband just died. And then she's like, I'm here for you.

And she's like, oh my God, thank you. Everybody at church is a fucking asshole. like, I'm here for you. And she's like, oh my God, thank you. Everybody at church is a fucking asshole. Thank you for being here for me. And I liked this scene, God damn it. No, this is a sexual opening that she missed. Well, there's that too. And I'm not mad at that. No, neither.

So, but here's the thing, Gary, is that like you have implied here that because it's the least weird thing that happens in this movie, it isn't fucking weird. Okay. Thank you. No illusions. All right. So but in your commune with your or free range eggs that you take from your weird neighbor lovers. It's not weird. Don't judge. But Barbara's like, Hey, if you ever need somebody to talk to and then Claire's like, Oh my God, I need somebody to talk to so bad. And Barbara's like, oh, fuck, I meant that.

Like later, I just I have an egg. We watch Barbara actively regret that. Yeah. Just like, yeah, if you never need someone to talk to, oh my God, I'm so glad you said that. And she's she just wants to be like, I take it back. I'm sorry. I take it back. I know it'll be awkward and it feels bad in this moment, but I don't want to do the future.

So I take it back. You can't talk to in this moment, but I don't want to do the future. So I take it back, you can't talk to me. Well, for somebody who takes it back, she is literally the best listener I have ever seen in the history of time. She's trying to fuck. No, they do the most insane montage after this. Would you call it a montage?

Cause it's a monologue, right? So I actually refer to it as a montage because she is like, you like that? It's scene after scene of Claire. They have apparently been having this conversation for seven days and seven nights. They're in six different outfits. There are multiple outfit changes.

Yeah. And they're in the woods. Six different outfits before it's over. They're in the kitchen table, they're on the couch, they're doing the dirty. And of course, what, like, again, like this is, it's like the Rick thing all over again. I just imagine that this woman still got like, sugar and flour and milk mixed together somewhere,

and she's just waiting here. Curling on her couch, her top seven goddamn day. She's like, look, when I say. Her family have starved to death. Yeah, right. Exactly. The birthday is coming, gone now. She's still talking to this lady.

But yeah, but Claire's like, she's explaining all of the things that suck about your husband dying. She's like, you know, people don't want to be around me and you can just see in Barbara's face. They're going, oh, I get it. I understand that now. Why would they say that?

You've been talking about the thing that I opened a single sentence up to for apparently multiple days. Six fucking days now. And she's not said a word, by the way, it's all clear. It's like she's one-sided, fully one-sided. It's weird. It's so funny.

At one point they flash over to Barbara and this actress who is not very talented, is trying to do a listening face, but she's so clearly spacing out. Of course. I laughed out loud. Yeah. You can hear the like, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot,

doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, acting prowess because something tells me the writers couldn't be fucked to actually write all these words and so Claire is just riffing it about how sad it is that her husband's dead for like minutes. Well and I love because she's like you know my husband he trusted God so completely. We're sure not be

really stupid because God didn't help with the drunk driver at all if you think about it. Yeah at all. But the sort of the thrust of what she keeps saying to Claire is like you know know, it doesn't make any sense. I'm Christian and yet this terrible thing happened to me even though God could have prevented it. It's almost like that's the point of the movie, right? Yeah, yeah.

But the biggest takeaway from this entire scene was the point where I looked at Eli's notes and he said, if you watch this at two times speed, it is less boring. And I realized that you can change the speed on YouTube. It's a game changer. It's a fucking revelation, right? Yeah, you don't think you need to do that on the 58 minute movies,

but that's when you need it the most. Yes, and at this point, there's still a lot of movie. You'd be surprised how much movie was left, even at two times speed. Yeah, but they get through this whole montage. Finally, Barbara gets to talk and she's like, hey, you know, it's okay to grieve, even Christ grieved. And I'm like, I can think a lot of shit Christ did

that I wouldn't recommend though. So that's probably not the right metric. Do you want to go yell at an olive tree? Yeah. Like, that's cool too. And Claire goes, you know, Barbara, you're the only one who understands me. And Barbara's like, oh, I don't understand you.

I don't, I don't, I don't know, it gave you the impression that I did. So. I just picture that there were so many lean ins for the kiss in this friendship that Claire didn't pay attention to. Well, yeah, because at the end of this scene, they go in for the hug and we're expecting them

to start making out, but they don't. No. They don't. No. They don't. No. Terrifying. I stopped and watched some lesbian porn just to feel better about myself, Charles. Yeah, I needed to. Watching this movie.

Yeah. The craziest part of this movie to me is the realization at this point that it passes the Bechtel test with flying colors. Well, but does it though? Because like they only ever talk about Jesus and David. Not true. Not true. They they they talk about she talks about her struggles with faith. She talks to her child multiple times.

Like there are a lot of scenes. OK, she does. She does ask. She does ask what the kid wants to do. The two women talk about her. Like there are multiple scenes where they don't. Feminist cinema. That's what I've always said about consider it all joy. Yeah, I think we need to change the parameters of the Bec Del. I think that's the takeover here.

The Bec Del test has failed more than this. To quote Bec Del herself, stop saying this makes a movie feminist, dear God. Seriously. Also, they make a weird point at this point because what is it, do you guys remember kind of exactly what Barbara finally says to Claire to comfort her? Yeah, she says, I don't know why God does bad things, but I know he loves you and is going to heal you. And I wrote in my notes, why do you know that? Right. She also, she tries to give her some spiel about how basically she can handle these tests more

than other people because of her like Jesus worship. And I'm like, this is not a test that is unique to Claire. Everyone dies. Like I don't think I can make this more clear. Everyone dies. Kara, I'm not gonna die so you should probably. Not just Christian. I'm just not gonna die actually.

Okay. I don't know if you've checked, but I have 100% not dying right so far so. That's true, that's true. But what Barbara says is she's like, I think to myself sometimes that maybe the people that God piles so much on, he does that because God knows that he can handle them.

And all of those people who just have no problems at all, Maybe those are just lukewarm Christians who God has given up on That's her actual fucking argument Yeah, like first of all, where are people who have no fucking problems, right? I haven't yet to meet any of those fucking people, but secondly, that's goddamn terrifying Apparently Kara and her egg utopias live in a pretty close thing. At least I know I'm gonna die, Eli. At least I know. I've forgotten 15 ingredients for my breakfast this morning.

Time to flounce about my commune and collect my nutrients. I do not want to point out all the fucking logical fallacies that are in your argument, right? So, okay. Yeah, just 15 ingredients here, Bryce. Yeah, fucking hell. It's milk cereal. So, okay. So, we cut to Claire.

She's saddened at some tacky, hobby, lobby art that David bought, but it's the one about Jesus trusting you. And then, so now she, that does the trick. She's over it. That Trotsky fixed her, right? Right. She goes up, she sees the daughter doing the's over it. That Trotsky fixed her, right? Right, she goes up, she sees the daughter doing the passive aggressive prayer. Yes, yes.

Super, yes, super weird take of the daughter on her dad's death. I think the daughter, again, according to the worldview, the daughter is fine. She's like, dude, we're gonna be in heaven with dad forever. It is an infinitesimal percentage of our conscious experience that we're going to miss him. It's no big deal. It's mathematically zero. Yes Yeah, so she literally she's praying to God to help her mother be less sad because her dad's in heaven

So she should be happy right that's the prayer. That's fucking creepy Yeah It's super creepy and then and I wish I had a better reference for this, because this is where she comes out of the doodly-doo, and she explains to Rick the chef monologue from South Park. Now, let me explain. Perhaps two decades ago, Chef explained that God does bad things because it's our tears that give him his strength. You can't make a baby cry unless you give the baby candy

in the first place. And that appears to be the actual conclusion that she has reached at the end of the movie. Yeah. Yeah, she's like, you know, I start, I stopped thinking about, you know, all the things that God had done to me. And I started thinking about all the things

that God had done for me. And I wrote my notes. I'm like, well, that sounds like the creepy shit that abuse victims used to cope with their abuse day to day, man, that's not good at all. And I wrote in my notes, Rick is clearly converted and now he's gonna be her new baby daddy, because you know that's where this is going.

Well, so okay, so that's the amazing thing is that Rick doesn't give a shit about the Christianity or how she met David. Rick is trying to fuck her now that he knows that she's single. And the movie doesn't realize that. The movie itself thinks, wow, she's really convinced Rick. Yeah, but in this weird world of lore, if Rick does end up marrying her

and like having another kid with her, that's a good thing. Yep. You see this all the time in these weird Christian like stories that like somehow he like, that's the patriarchy at work that like it's now his duty to like swoop in on his best friend's widow and take over the manly fucking duties. Yes, absolutely. Rrrr with that stash.

I can't. So I just, I really, it should be the neighbor. Right, yes, absolutely. Why isn't it the neighbor? And so like Rick's like, so I guess your religion's really helping you cope with his death and she's like, oh, absolutely. Yeah, I mean, I still cry myself to sleep most nights.

And I'm like, oh, well, then it hasn't really been useful at all really, because that's what a non-religious person would be doing too Right. Yeah, that's what a person would do right human being. He looks like yeah Right. She's like well, you know, but I'm learning to love God as much as David did right before God killed him with a drunk driver Well, yeah, this isn't this isn't a good plan at all Yeah, and he's like, okay, do you want to pitch me on your religion again? Because I was super not listening the first time.

I was really, I thought Dave had invited me over for a threesome and then you served casserole, which is like, who makes fucking food out of food? But yeah, but yeah, no, if you want to hit me with that, hit me with that pitch again. Maybe I do need to vacation at the same place every year. Right, so it's this. We call your neighbor over, it'd be fun.

Right, yeah, there you go. So yeah, but Rick's like, wow, I've never seen a religion that really seems to work. And I'm like, okay, first of, you're an American, you've seen at most two religions, at most in your whole goddamn life. So shut the fuck up. And you were scared of that second one, Rick.

Yeah, you did, I'm sure, yeah. I think you just assumed that someone was that second one Yeah, but he's like yeah, no tell me again about how much Christ loves me and then the music fades in and the movie ends and and uh Eli and I both wrote down how fucking weird this woman's singing sounds at two times. Yeah, because I was at two times. So it's like, God, she's yodeling. It's the best. Yeah, it's the best.

I saw you guys' notes and I had to go back and listen to it at two times. It was pretty amazing. All right, well, I'll tell you what. I guess that's it. The moral of the story seems to be, yeah, but love Jesus anyway, though. So, Cara, thanks for joining us and learning that important lesson, I guess. I guess. And of course, if you want to hear more from Cara, check the show notes

for a link to her show, Talk Nerdy, or just keep listening, because somehow we always talk her into coming back. Or check out her many websites that are available on Google.com and use the ones that you clicks as they rise. I cannot, just, I cannot. All right, so I guess that's gonna do it for our review of Consider It All A Joy. That's not gonna do it for the episode just yet

because we still need to groundhog day this shit again. So Eli, tell us what's on deck? Well, Noah, in the creator's own words, we'll be watching a magical adventure inspired by the Chronicles of Narnia, Walt Disney animated musicals, and the parables by Jesus Christ. The one man animated fugue state that is, Shrawinsky and the Mysterious House. No illusions. Look me in my heart. This movie is 30 minutes long. We still might need two episodes. Oh Jesus Christ. Well, we did this with a 58 minute episode.

I think we can do it. There we go, yeah. So with that to look forward to we're gonna make episode 447 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Kara for hanging out with us today and perhaps even a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to catch us up among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com.com. So I got off on there by your own only access to an ad-free version of every episode.

You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the scathing, the citation, the DND minus and the skeptic gratt available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, check out my God of Movies at gmail.com. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryde Slotnik of the Drafts on Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen Wright and Elon Bosnick. I'm an Olysian. It's promised to work hard to earn a chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast. was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a Chuck of Your Life this week for Heathen Wright and Eli

Bosnick. I'm an Olysian, as promised, to work hard to earn a Chuck next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the Breakfast Club clothes. Rick, Barbara, and Claire had a wild night while the kiddo was at church camp, but don't worry, they prayed about it, and God totally said it was cool. Rick learned his lesson and never asked how anyone met anyone again. God just straight up ran out of tragedies trying to make Claire interesting. So he made her live forever instead.

Just to prove Kara wrong. Exactly. My ayaada. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,