God Awful Movies - 451: Matthew 18

Episode Date: April 9, 2024

We're joined by Katie and Allen of the "Werewolf Ambulance" podcast for a review of Matthew 18, a Christian horror movie that pop scared itself by accident and isn't sure of its own plot. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. --- Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts --- All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

He makes himself a sandwich and then he microwaves said sandwich for I'm gonna say eight and a half minutes. Narrating it to himself the entire time like I'm gonna push the button, I'm gonna push that button and now I'm gonna wait. His sandwich is a slice of roast beef on dry bread. You cannot microwave bread. When he takes it out of the microwave. It will doubtless be on fire When the microwave dings later on you could tell he was just like high as fuck but did I do that? Movies. Movies. Movies. ["The Last Supper"]

Welcome back to God awful movies, where each week we watch another terrible movie so you don't have to. I'm your host, Heath Enright, and I'm joined by the one and only Eli Bosnik. Eli, how's it going buddy? Fantastic Heath, I've got my fedora, my whip, and I'm ready to explore.

Okay, I don't know what that means different than normal, but okay, let's do it. And we also have veteran guest masochists back by very popular demand. Katie and Alan of the Werewolf Ambulance Podcast. Katie, Alan, welcome back. Hi guys. Thanks for having us. Fantastic to have you again. So let's get right into it Katie. What are we gonna call it a movie? Let's call it a movie It's a cinema piece of something what are we gonna be breaking down today? We watched Matthew 18 It's a baffling series of ideas shaped into the loose format of a film, including

science versus faith, the dangers of moving to the Midwest and property disputes. Maybe if we'd seen any of the other previous 17 films in the franchise, we'd have a better idea of what's going on. Wait, there are other films in this franchise? It's Matthew 18. Yeah, it's the 18th in the franchise. Oh, there. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That, the 18th. Oh, there I sorry. I'm sorry. That is an excellent joke.

And I stepped on it with my ignorance. I apologize. It'd be so good if there were 17 more Matthew movies. I was like, oh my God, is there a Lifton backstory? Because I was going to bomb it with excitement.

Would watch his movie all day long. I was going to spit up like a nine month old. Lifton is a great character. We'll get to it. So, Alan, both of you all actually are quite versed in the horror universe. You've seen hundreds and hundreds of horror movies, I'm assuming. I'm all out of your shows. You need to make more content. So where does this movie thing fall on your scale of horror movies?

Like what's before and after fall on your scale of horror movies? What's before and after it on your scale? So before it, as with all movies, is the magnum opus of Glenn Danzig, the film Verodica. Incredible. Incredible movie. The French accents in this movie do nothing compared to what Danzig thinks accents are. Would we say there was French in this movie or the noise is near French? I know this is slightly inside baseball because we've only sort of hinted at this, but Heath and I have traveled through France a couple of times.

I hate this, I hate this, what you're doing. And I am awful at French. And what I do in front of him on a regular basis is I just speak English with a French accent, and the French people, because it's poor social rules to be like, hey, did you just speak English with a French accent? Well, pretend I just spoke French. That's the French in this film. Yeah, but then I speak French, and I'm not great at it,

but I took it in school, and I have some French, and I'll try something, and they have no idea what I'm saying every time, if Eli has set up right some sort Of prank ahead of time and I'm like, please he fell out me won't she's Sam wash And they're like, oh, of course, but I say something like it's actually plusque parfait is what you were looking for So we didn't understand a word. You fucking idiot Marry your third grade teacher like the president Piece of shit. Marry your third grade teacher like the president.

At any point do you say anal sex, my speciality? My speciality. He usually does. That's a line that Glenn Danzig wrote down for the film Veronica. Yeah, it's incredible. Okay, so the Danzig movie is before this one. What's after?

Nothing. Got it, yeah, yeah. That's a Good answer. Alright, well speaking of which, Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the titillation of a B haunted house movie, but you wish it was made by people who think short sleeves are the devil's telescope to your sin bags, you will love this movie. This is like Tyler Perry going back and forth between writing one of his movies love this movie. This is like Tyler Perry going back and forth

between writing one of his movies and this movie while his grandmother is watching the movie. It's fucking bananas. So like a Tyler Perry movie. Yeah, like a Terry Perry movie. Yeah, basically. All right. Big Mama's House Arrest.

All right. And is there anything y'all would like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst app I'd like to nominate it for having the best worst plot twist fuck. Yes, it is Are you referring to I kind of reject the premise of that Plot twist M night Shyamalan Thing at the end that they decided to do where you just sit there with your mouth open.

Just like three times at the end, they were like, I don't know, is it ambiguous enough for it to be art? No, we'll do seven more nonsense three second twists. None of it made any sense. Trying for art so hard in this movie. I will also say that the final like twist or pop scare or whatever they were going for, we'll get to it when we talk about it, is the hardest I have laughed in six months.

It's the hardest. I laughed so hard, Anna. The airplane? The airplane, yeah. I laughed so hard I could not stop. I feared for my safety. I would like to nominate this for the best worst explanation of the rules of solitaire. Fuck yes. That's Auntie what's her Donna? Aunt Jessie. Aunt Jessie alone is worth it.

Like I know sometimes where we watch bad movies so you don't have to is kind of the cook. You absolutely should watch that. You should never stop watching this movie. You should have this movie on at all times in all places for Aunt Jessie alone Yeah If you ever need to get information out of somebody this movie is great to have on all the time call Aunt Jessie And she will riff at them until they spill yeah So I was gonna go with best worst Not starting the fucking movie ever.

It's what like an hour and 40 minutes of movie? Yeah. They don't start a movie. They fake at it a few times, but they don't even fake at it for like an hour. Then they fake at it for like 15 minutes. And then they sort of start a movie with like 10 minutes left and try to do nine endings and nothing makes sense. Yeah. It's like the alternator was shot on the movie.

Yeah. It just could not give it a turnover. Yeah. And I'm going to take the easy one here. I'm going to go with best, best, Lifton. So I'm going to say... Love, Lifton. That's all I'm going to say.

Lifton is the greatest thing in this or maybe any movie. Liffy Liffs. Yeah. Yeah. I need Lifton in every film ever. I need him digitally. You know how George Lucas tries to fix his bad movies by like putting in tauntauns in the background and shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I need digitally inserted Lifton into every single film. He's like the opposite of Jar Jar Binks. I was shipping Lifton and Aunt Jessie so hard. So before we get to that, we're gonna take a quick break and then we'll be back to tell you all about Matthew 18, Lifting and Lifting. And you're sure. Tell her you won't be mad.

Cause I won't be mad. Eli, Heath, are you ready? Yeah, we're all set up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're just checking something real quick. Like what? Right, so you know how this movie it's about a kid who goes to college and that turns out

to be a mistake because the outside world is full of sins and ghosts and stuff? Sure. Yeah, so we're just checking that Eli's mom didn't write the movie. Makes sense. I get it. Yeah. Okay, so you double best friend promise? She double best friend promises.

I still don't believe her. Me neither. Alright, what about now? No, this box is just loose screws. Oh come on. Hey guys what you doing? Yeah. Sorry guys Heath and I ordered some headphones on sale from that shop on a social media website and they turned out to be total junk. Yeah which is crazy because the person who told us about it promised they weren't gatekeeping. Weren't gatekeeping, I know. Yeah. Guys, if you want great audio at affordable prices, you should try Raycon.

What's Raycon? Alan, we're on this side of the ad. I wanted the point. Right, sure. Raycons offer amazing quality audio at half the price of other premium audio brands. My Raycons come with me everywhere so I can listen at any time. With eight hours of playtime and a 32 hour battery life, I don't have to worry about whether they're up for the task. Wow, that's a long battery. It sure is. And they come with noise isolation, earbud tap functions, and awareness mode too. Man, those other brands charge you hundreds more for half those features. They sure do. Go to buyraycon.com slash gam today to get 20% off your Raycon order plus free shipping.

That's right, you'll get 20% off and free shipping at buyraycon.com slash gam. Buyraycon.com slash gam. Alright guys, thanks. So they just sent you a box of screws? I mean there was a note asking for help in here too. Ah, bummer. Yeah. Bummer. sent you a box of screws? I mean, there was a note asking for help in here too. Ah, bummer. Yeah.

Eh. Bummer. And we're back. And we're gonna start with an old timey, I think southern looking lawyer coming in hot through the front door of a church. And he sits down right next to some other guy and he says, we need to pray.

Yeah. This will come back in, this movie is an hour and 41 minutes long This will come back in an hour and 40 minutes Yeah, something like that so just keep in mind that a guy sat down next to another guy and said we need to pray Just hold that in your brain. Yeah, exactly just just keep holding that in your consciousness Speaking of things that won't matter until the last 14 seconds of the movie now We're gonna cut over to some Russian women having some tea.

These actresses took a whole year of Russian lessons and they were going to show them off, damn it. The sun is so bright in Russian. Yeah. That's a thing Russian people say. The way that they have done, I mean, we see it again later with the French, but the way that they have chosen, I mean, everyone talks like a fucking chat GPT in the middle of a bad divorce. But at the same time, the way they have chosen all of these so-called foreign language speakers

to speak is like they're trying to cue us as an outside force that they don't actually speak this language. At one point I wrote during this scene, are they bragging witches? They're supposed to be talking about the weather, but they're like, today we have made the wind go away. The wind is gone for sure. Right. That's what I assumed. They were supposed to be like casting the spell that set all of this in motion. Yeah. Whatever is to come.

That would have been a movie to do starting now. A what? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that honestly would have made this whole to do starting now. A what? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that honestly would have made this whole movie make a bit more sense. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

These determined yet humble women. But they hear a noise from off-screen, and so one of them goes to check it out. We see a little girl prancing around next to a goat. Okay, I know that this won't get called back for an hour and 40 minutes. Is Angelica anybody? So I got all fucked up on this this morning, watching the end of this movie, because we're told later that this is 1936. Right. Which would make Angelica like 80. Right.

Is Angelica the little girl? Yeah. With the goat. Angelica is the little girl here. And the movie is going to claim there... Is Angelica the little girl? Yeah, with the goat. Angelica's the little girl here and the movie's gonna claim there's an Angelica lady, maybe just somebody with the same name. That's okay. So that's what I was confused about because again, we'll talk about it when we get to the end. Just spoilers. I don't want to ruin Kate's best worst, of course.

But like, I think later on, the movie will tell us a character who is not 170,000 years old is Angelica it's like Chekhov's gun but like a different it's like Anthony Chekhov Shows up later right like we saw a musket and then later There's a machine gun and they're like, huh Chekhov's gone. See we did it. It's Tony Chekhov Huh? Chekhov's gone. See? We did it. It's Tony Chekhov, alright? My friends call me Tony Cheezy.

But yeah, so she goes down to hear the noise. Something comes and kills her. Then her sister goes to look for her and then something kills her. And that's the start. And then we get the title drop. Oh, that's her sister. Yeah. I thought this was commentary on Angelica having two moms.

Ooh, little homophobia. Well, it's a Christian movie. Yeah, and they will employ us with some homophobia. They'll get some more homophobia later, yeah. We get quite a bit of homophobia later in the film. So we get some spooky pictures. Don't worry, those will never matter. But it's just pictures of black people

with blood spattering on them. And I was like, what have you gotten us into? Psychos. But, okay, there was a clue here. There's a blurry, like, demon face on one person in every shot. Yeah, real creepypasta style. Oh, I didn't notice that. I will say, though, that I was very uncomfortable

with using old timey photos of people of color for the spooky photo effect. Like, I get it, this movie was just trying to do like, old photos are creepy. Welcome to our movie. But like when you're looking at old photos of people of color, they weren't having an amazing time. So spattering them with VFX blood

feels a lot more intentional than when you do it with old photos of white people. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So now we're going to cut to our main character. This is Lauren. Michelle. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So now we're going to cut to our main character. This is Lauren. Michelle. Michelle. Yes. This is Michelle and she's listening to her R&B when her mom comes to talk to her about all the schools that she got into. What song is she bobbing

along to? Cause it's not the one we're hearing. Unless she's like, I only bob on the end. I don't hit an actual boom. I feel like somebody in charge of this soundtrack had to pick like R&B about demons and they were like, I don't know what the fuck that means. Okay, here you go. Something. She also has a foot tattoo of Tinkerbell, which really depresses me. Yeah.

I missed that. Yeah. Why? But why? Tinkerbell is a bad character. That's official. Yes. What?

Tinkerbell sucks. Tinkerbell is an evil kidnap her in that story. I do not. Tinkerbell sells everyone out. I don't think you guys are appreciating Tinkerbell the way I'm appreciating Tinkerbell. No, we're not. And I think that's a good thing. And if you turn off SafeSearch, you too will learn to love Tinkerbell. That's all I'm saying. I was going to say we're going to be surprised by an Eli Tinkerbell tattoo, but we've seen enough of Eli that there's no surprises.

That's true. That's true. Tinkerbell's between the cheeks in my case. Between the cheeks. What a lovely surprise for your wife. Yes. So, so mom comes in, they're talking about all the colleges she got into. She wants to go to one in Minnesota, but mom is not too sold on her leaving the state or, or even the house, it seems. Is the, is the her acceptance to Georgetown? Is that an exorcist nod?

I love that. Sure is. I didn't catch that. Yeah. Nice. I like that. But mom actually has some good news on that front for the plot, which is that it turns out that in exactly the city she wants to go to school to, her great grandfather inherited some property in that town and she can live there. She just has to pay the utilities. Are there any demons in the house or is it just a regular house? Nobody knows at this point in the week. I don't even know why I asked that.

Oh no, cool. House. Got it. Why would you bring that up? I was expecting a spooky foreshadowing here We do not get one so they have it other than your grandfather inherited a timeshare Can't afford not to get in this and then they bring out this like tiny baby child who is in this one scene and is so Uncomfortable to be in the scene like looking sideways at all of the other actors. Why? Why would they do this to this child? Unclear. I think her dad was like a Kickstarter backer, and they were like, we'll put your daughter in the movie.

He was like, great. The beginning of her acting career. Very generous of you to refer these people as actors. Yeah, exactly. Victims of the camera is a better term. So now we head over to the hospital. We're going to check on grandpa. Grandpa will never matter to the movie. Grandpa will never have anything to do with the movie.

He will just and please correct me if I'm wrong, die when things get spooky? Yes. 100%. He's basically the bird that flies into your house. Exactly. Well, spoilers. Yeah. Grandpa the fucking weathervane, we introduce him here.

And that's it, we just introduce him as a thing. This is also when we learn that Michelle is a 17-year-old all the way doctor somehow. The movie seems to think that like, if you're planning to go to a pre-med program when you're 17 and leaving high school, you are a doctor who knows everything about science. Yeah, you can just order doctors around when you get into hospital rooms.

Yeah. Which I'm sure medical professionals absolutely love, by the way. Approval all the way. Yeah, for sure. So now we cut over to her graduation party. And I want to point out, and there will be specific things that we should talk about here, but for the next, I'm going to say, 50 minutes of the movie, there will be different scenes, but this character, Michelle, will have the exact same conversation

with a different person in every single variant scene. It's so stupid. The whole point, they're trying to set up the Christian thing here, right? So Michelle's at the party for her going to college thing and all her family is very Christian, but she is a 17 year old doctor of atheism science and she's not having it. So she walks in and her mom or her aunt is like, okay, Michelle's here.

Everybody say a quip about science being stupid. Everybody go. Yes, everyone ontologically posit but from a Christian perspective so that my daughter can answer from what we think a skeptical perspective is, but is actually just someone trying to fake a doctor's note from their mom. All right.

Who wins in a fight? A doctor? Or a god of the universe? She says things like, if you're sick, go to the doctor. And I felt like I needed some clarification there because I think I'm not supposed to like her because she's breaking her poor Christian mom's heart by moving to Minnesota. So like, does the movie mean that if you're sick, you should go see a doctor? Or is it mocking that concept?

No, I think the movie is supposed to be like, I think we're supposed to be like shaking our heads back and forth like, oh, how little you know, you stupid young harlot. Also when she suggests that the earth is round. Yeah, yeah, she does suggest that the earth is round. Is it though? I do have to talk about the PA and her journey. So let me explain what's happening. They're all, everyone's shouting truisms at the main character and she's saying like,

go to a doctor or look at evidence or whatever. At one point, it is very obvious that the people of color who star in this movie forgot to say a line. So one of the PAs who is a white woman yells a line that got missed, right? Very clearly you can hear it is from a person who is not mic'd, who is not on camera is just like, well, you better end up at school. And again, it's very clearly a white person's voice. Later in the scene, and this is where I need you to hold me in the light, okay? This is where I'm going to be radically vulnerable and open.

Later in the scene, the white PA does that again, but she very clearly does it in a black voice because they were like, hey, Katie, everyone could tell that you were the only white lady in the room just now there are no white people on camera you need to do a voice so then later on in the scene she does another voice but it's like maybe we shouldn't have believed that the earth was flat and you see all the actors again I just have to clarify you see all the actors look off camera at the very clearly white PA who has just done a black voice And then the movie just moves on

Yes, all the other actors look like they're gonna kick the shit out of Michelle But I think they just wanted to kick the shit out of that PA 100% the camera might as well spin around to someone in a headset and be like the fuck did you just do and she's like nothing I was just you um someone mentioned. I should do all right everything on cards from now on sorry I'm sorry also Katie. I'm sorry Eli made the racist PA your name Doing your best I feel like and look Katie. I'm gonna be radically vulnerable once again I'm speaking from my heart. I feel like Katie might have done the same thing in the same position I think if she was told you need to do a voice. She's a team player

She would have piped up with a voice. It would have been weird. It would have gotten awkward. And she would have moved forward, because she's a pro. Katie, would you like to no-and that real quick? Uh, no, I'm good. Thank you.

I also like the idea of saying, I'm being vulnerable right before you say a thing that could get you punched. I'm being vulnerable. Katie's a racist, okay? Let me just say it from my heart. Let me say it from my heart. If you say, I'm being vulnerable, people aren a racist. OK, let me just say it from my heart. Let me say it from my heart. If you say I'm being vulnerable, people aren't allowed to get mad at you.

I learned that from Tick Tock. You can't call time out safe space time for your racism. Time. That's not how that's time out. I don't like Ethiopian food time in. Also, from this whole scene, I got the vibe that her mother was going to kill her. Oh, yeah. For sure. She just kept saying, when it's your time, it's your time.

Yeah. Yeah. Like dark and ominous all the time. They also, they kept, like some of the things they say are like folksy things you've heard before, like, you know, there's good and there's evil, or the doctor said she was fit as a bird, although to be fair, I hadn't heard that right and then she died and

But at one point Apropos of nothing mom just yells there are signs when death is chasing you and I wrote my notes Okay, take it back a notch take it back a notch Also now I want to see an out-of-shape bird that just has to land and be like oh Fucking flying god I'm doing my best. Give me a second. I definitely saw fat pigeons in

Philadelphia. Yes, absolutely. Your Reddington Market. I was one of them. All right. So again, it's a new scene. Now it's time for her to have that exact same conversation.

She's now going to have the same conversation with her hometown best friend. But first, she now going to have the same conversation with her hometown best friend. But first, she's going to have an unfortunate interaction with an adorable dog. Fuck this movie. Fuck this movie. Trying to claim that like this dog is evil or demonic. Get the fuck out of here. Okay, here's what the movie is going for. This is all under protest for the rest of the show.

Correct. Yes, correct. I wrote in my notes, podcast listener, this movie is going for. This is all under protest for the rest of the show. Correct. Yes, correct I wrote in my notes podcast listener. This episode is gonna be a little short Heath is gonna have some really ugly things to say about this movie not liking dogs and we're gonna have to cut most of it That's what I wrote. I was like demon Kujo kills everybody great. That's what I'm watching in my head right now. That's awesome So here's what the movie shows us. All right, we get a shot of an adorable pitbull, right? Who's just like got the friendliest face and the biggest smile? That's what the movie shows us, all right? We get a shot of an adorable pit bull, right? Who's just like got the friendliest face and the biggest smile. His face?

Yeah, and then from off screen, I think it's the white PA again, is doing like a, Grrr, grrr, I'm a big scary dog. Don't do the voice, don't do the voice. Exactly, Katie Midge now to do the voice. Leave me out of this. Yeah.

And they're obviously poking the dog with a stick as well because it keeps looking at the side. They're really going to try and make this dog seem scary and they are failing ridiculously at it. They actually try for three different pop scares here and they swing and miss really hard. First they're like VW Beetle behind her. Is that scary? No. Okay. Clouds? No, that's nothing. Dog paws, delightful dog prancy. Shit!

All right, we'll make the dog demonic. So the dog starts to attack her and she runs into the coffee shop and meets her friend. Where they hold the door closed against the dog even though we watched her turn a knob to get in. Yeah. And then we see the dog outside and I can't tell if the dog was small or far away, but either way it was fucking hilarious.

It's hilarious. Because also the dog isn't like going, the dog is supposed to be like going at the door, right? It's supposed to be trying to get after them. But they've just slammed the dog in this adorable dog's face and the dog's like, all right, well that's rude. It looks like the dog is trying to hail a cab. Right, yeah. I'm out of here.

The dog's like, all right, well I'm leaving.. It looks like the dog's trying to hail a cow. Right, yeah, the dog's like, all right, well, I'm leaving. This isn't a safe space for dogs. It's very obvious. So then they're crazy rude to a waitress. I know this is supposed to be spooky. Yes! But this just, atress is like, hi, can I get you anything?

And they're like, fuck off. And she's like, oh, okay. Okay, in fairness to them yelling at this waitress, the waitress shows up and there's like a whew, like popscare whoosh noise wherever this person goes. So they're like, hey, if you're somebody who makes that noise everywhere, you know, come in slow, maybe.

Just like, say something on the way. Well, she had also blown her smokey eye this morning. It just wasn't looking good. I think she was supposed to look tired. Yeah! I think they were going for like ghostly or scary, but she just looks, you know, like she's working a third shift in a row.

But this is where the best were, so they're like, yeah, no, you're gonna make it. You're gonna be fine. And this is where the friend I would say, apropos of truly nothing, says, even the dead are real We have no the waitress the waitress Even the dead are real. I don't know figure it out. It's like I want to watch this lady's movie. She rules I Would have started doing that to people. Sorry. I got a lot of fentanyl on my bloodstream. I don't know why I said that

The conversation that the two women are having too is wild. She's like, I've just been under my parents' tutelage and direction and they have a strong system of beliefs that I respect, but I need to follow my own emerging convictions and principles. You're saying a pamphlet. You're just saying a pamphlet. I just want to abandon God and find science, you know, and the best friend has to be like, I'm a little skeptical. I don't know about abandoning God and find science, you know, and the best friend has to be like I'm a little skeptical.

I don't know about abandoning God and finding science. And then whoosh, even the dead are real. What? Yeah, nobody knows. I, even in my notes, I wrote what? What the fuck would that mean? And then the waitress says, figure it out. And I was like, okay, movie.

I'll figure you out. Cool. Can I say as someone who was a server, I missed out on the chance to say mysterious things to people and then fuck off. Yeah. And then say, I did my research, now you do yours. Yeah, exactly. This is also where we meet one of my other favorite characters besides Lifton, who we are going to meet soon. We meet old lady who just goes places and does

ominous staring. Angry staring black lady. Yeah, angry staring black lady. I cannot emphasize to you podcast listener how many shots we will get of this woman staring in a white hot rage at the main characters and not once will someone be like, hey, hi, what are you doing? What? What do you want?

Is she real? Is she a real? She's real. She's real. She's doing all this shit. Yeah. Okay. All right. One might argue she is the title of the film. She's the Jesus character of this, I think. Okay. Someone's gotta be. Yeah. So with that out of the way, now it's time for her to head on to the airplane where she's going to be met by a to head onto the airplane where she's going to be met by a mentalism stewardess. The Sherlock Holmes of air travel. I have not flown much in my life. It's yeah, it's whatever.

But do supermodels go seat to seat and introduce themselves? And then they make they make a couple of sort ofiany slash tarot card reading guesses about your life and yeah, then they bring you a tapas box later. That woman's hair was amazing. A lot of volume. Strong hair. Strong hair. Yeah.

I wrote in my notes at this point, why am I watching her do small talk with every possible service member? This is like traveling with Heath. Okay. All I noticed in this scene was that Michelle is in row 13. So clue or something. All I noticed in this scene is that the flight attendant is like, just hit that button there if you need anything. And then turns to walk away and Michelle reaches up and hits the button. So good. So good.

Okay, according to the movie, if Michelle moves to like row 12, cause there's an extra seat open with a space next to it, none of this would happen. The demons would be like, fuck! Hard to say. Hard to say. 12, that's a good number.

I guess that's just a normal, enjoy your trip. Check out the mall. Do make sure you change, it's fun, it's big. It's big. They've got a Cinnabon there. So now we're gonna meet the hero of the film the hero of all films I'm talking of course about Lifton fees on love Yes, Lifton will be separate from the movie and in it much like the Shakespearean clowns He helps her in with her bags. He informs

her that an evil white lady lives inside and then he fucks off. I just put the whole scene going, holy shit, that's big worm from Friday. What is happening? It sure is. It sure is big worm from Friday. And I bet he spends most of his life being like, actually it's and the people are like, no, it's Big Worm from Friday. So now we're going to meet evil white lady who is the... Oh my God. Mrs. Hillshire. Mrs. Hillshire. So what we're supposed to believe happened is that the family, we're going to eventually learn what actually happened, which is fucking bizarre,

but the family inherited this house together. The Hillshires, which this white lady comes from, they run the house and benefit from the house. They just own a part of it. Anyways, she's here to be extremely racist to Michelle the instant she walks in the door. Oh, I didn't get that. She says no destroying the building. And I was like, okay, that's that's not great. And then she says, I don't want to hear any of that rape music.

And I was like, weird way to reference Marilyn Manson, but I get it. I get it. But Michelle is like, do you mean rap music? And Mrs. Hillshire says, rape? Rap? What's the difference? And I wrote in my notes, the most racist possible thing to say. Yikes.

I only wish she had like spit 16 bars out of there. Yes! Unless of course you could defeat me in a battle. See there you go. Better movie. Also, I have a question now because she's paying utilities. Does she have to pay utilities for the whole fucking mansion slash apartment or just like her unit in it? Because if she's having to pay it for the whole mansion, that's

definitely going to be more than whatever rent would be in Minneapolis. There's an industrial kitchen in the basement of this place. Where she just taps the blade of a knife. Why does she touch it? Oh my God, they're doing the knife tour. It's so... Okay. First of all, you have to understand this is hilarious. It's also me everywhere we go. Everywhere we go. You're a toucher. And me walking behind being like, don't touch.

Don't touch it. Don't touch the knife. You're gonna hurt yourself. Ah, you cut yourself. A NASA guy was once like, hey, do you wanna come tour the NASA thing? And one, boo nerd. But two, there was genuinely consensus in our company

that I could not go, because I was going to Mike Pence. You were going to Pence it. I was going to Mike Pence all up on that telescope. Just touching it with a fly on the side of your head. Yeah, exactly. The whole time.

Just putting all different O rings into it for no reason. Yeah. One other thing I want to talk about when it comes to this kitchen, they're walking through the kitchen and she's like, oh, cool kitchen. Can I use the kitchen? And she says, I'd prefer if you asked. And I wanted her so badly to be like, I literally just just that's what I can. I use it. Yeah. Can I use it?

Use it now. Can I use it? And just when you thought there could be no better character than Lytton, we are going to be, I would say, the second best or best. It's hard to say, right? This is a LeBron, Kobe, Muhammad Ali, Mike Tyson moment, right? They're both great in their own way. We're going to meet Aunt Debbie. Jessie. Aunt Jessie. And she is the fucking best. Now I will say I was a little uncomfortable because I don't know if you've noticed podcast listener, but I've grown over the years.

I've gotten better. I am a better man than I was than the comedian who began this podcast. And so I have no jokes about the 11 minutes of chicken conversation these two actresses of color have. Just me being like no things to say from me. Listen, I've been vegetarian for like 30 years. So, but as I remember, it makes you vegan for 50. Chicken is fucking delicious.

So in their defense, chicken is fucking delicious. Yes, exactly. But baking chicken is the worst way to cook chicken. You don't bake chicken. You have not had Aunt Jessie's chicken. You haven't had best chicken. No, you're right. Aunt Jessie's chicken is... No one out chickens are moist.

Real quick. So at the end of this film, we'll call it... Tricussy. We get a reveal at the end of this movie. That Aunt Jessie has been dead the entire time. Yes we fucking do, Aaron. Yes we fucking do, Aaron. Yes, we fucking do. So think about the fact that this ghost

is having a conversation about her chicken and how she needs to get railed. Yes. That's the entire conversation. She's describing somebody as all dried up and I was like, oh, Aunt Jessie, fucks. And then she's like, I'm all dried up too. Yeah.

Yeah, and then she talks about erectile'm all dried up too. Yeah. Yeah. And then she talks about erectile dysfunction, how she was too sexually aggressive with her last boyfriend and it scared his boner away. And my question, again, in retrospect, knowing what we know is, was he like, no, it was honestly more the fact that you're the undead that killed my boner rather than your aggressiveness. Genuinely, genuinely, I hope that this is what my death is like, where I just walk around talking about chicken and dicks afterwards. Chicken and dicks.

In the canon, are ghosts not at least fucking each other, like other dead ghosts sometimes? I feel like that's the worst part about being a ghost is you're not allowed to fuck another ghost. Oh. Well, yeah, according to all of the Christmas ghosts, sex rom-coms I've seen, they're fucking mortals. They're not fucking other ghosts. That's true. Oh, you're stuck on earth like Swayze. Exactly. Exactly. You need a whoopee to be your sex conduit. Got it. That's also my nickname for a condom, by the way, a whoopee. Sex condom? Or a whoopee. I thought sex condom. Sex condom, I did.

Sex condom is a whoopee. He, for example, my whoopee. I've often said that. Yeah. Then... I don't know where this metaphor... Go ahead. I think we lost it.

Let's not explore it. So then... We didn't lose it. And again, I just have to emphasize that this is a ghost. Gives her an envelope of money? Yeah. And the keys to her car. Did the car get repaired? Holy shit. Is it a ghost gives her an envelope of money? Yeah. And the keys to her car. Did the car get repaired? Holy shit. I never thought about.

Because the car gets wrecked. Does she ever, we never see her drive the car. I guess she never goes to check it out. Well, she gives her the uncle's car. She's like, oh, I'm riding my own car. You can have your uncle's car. So it's not like she's in the car that crashed But where would she whom gave her the keys? Was was it a manifest like is it a manifested ghost or should we have a flashback towards the end of the movie of her?

just talking to herself and then grabbing the uncle uncle's keys off the table like But did her her parents not know that Aunt Jessie was dead Yes, how could that be they were talking they sent her to go be with Aunt Jessie If they knew she was dead she could have lived in Aunt Jessie's apartment Uh-huh and Jessie is secretly dead according to the movie right now. Yeah, right. Also. Yeah It's a secret until four seconds before the credits. Yeah I also just have point out later on in the movie. I don't remember when this is later on in the movie I also just have to point out, later on in the movie, I don't remember when this is, later on in the movie,

someone will be talking to the mom and say, oh, you can't trust Aunt Jessie, she drove her car off the road and didn't add, and fucking died. Yes, because she's not fit. Because she's dead. Just gonna throw a theory out there, you guys can shoot me down if you want to.

They didn't know they were gonna have Aunt Jessie dead until the scene where someone says that she's been dead for three months. That cop just improvised it, right? He was like, this is my chance. No small parts. Your Aunt Jessie has been dead for 50 years. They were like, what?

What? Fuck. Okay. God damn it. You know we don't know where the rewind button on this camera is, Chris. Damn it. We'll do nine more endings.

It'll make sense. No, one. Damn it. We'll do nine more endings. It'll make sense. No, yeah. More endings in Lord of the Rings. All right, well, Aunt Jessie talking about that delightful baked chicken made me very hungry. So we're going to need a quick break. And then we're back with more Matthew 18. Hey, Beelzebub.

Oh, hey there, mahar. How are you doing, man? Uh, being a demon, you know, you know, goes, What are you doing here? I heard you were on assignment in Creepy Haunted House. Yep. Yeah, yeah, I was. But, um, I got banished. Ah, no, banished. You hate to see it. Yeah, no, I'm trying not to take it personally. You can't. You can't take it personally. It's just part of the job.

Part of the job. Sure, sure. Yeah, so, um, what happened? Alright, you ready for this? Okay. Anointed oils on the wall. Nooo shit! Yup.

I hate that. 50 year haunting, 3 murders, down the drain. Just a little oil on the wall. I get it, man. I get it. I had a US senator once for 11 years. The night before the summoning, he throws a little salt over his shoulder right in my eye.

Oh my god, I hate it. I hate it so much. I know, I know, it's the worst. It's the worst. Wait, wait, shh. Here comes Orthogonus. Hey fellas. Hey. Hey Orthogonus. Hey. I thought you just left. Yep. This morning and then someone sneezed. Ah, fuck. Sorry to hear that. Part of the job.

Part of the job, yep. Okay, I said I was sorry. Not cool, dude. Hey, guys, what's wrong? Oh, Eli sent me pictures of his junk. It was a misunderstanding. What? A misunderstanding? How?

Okay, so he was asking me about MeUndies, and I just figured, you know, this is the beginning of him asking about what's underneath. Eli, I was asking about this week's sponsor, MeUndies. What's MeUndies? Nice, you both got one. From all black classics to fun, expressive prints, MeUndies has a look for everyone. Plus they come in sizes X or small to 4XL, guaranteeing a flattering cut for everybody. Plus MeUndies signature fabric is as soft as a warm hug from your favorite sweater. It's breathable, stretchy, and oh so comfy, making it ideal for all day wear.

Man, those do sound good. Where can I get them? Get 20% off your first order plus free shipping at meundies.com slash awful. That's meundies.com slash awful for 20% off plus free shipping. Meundice comfort from the outside in. Wait, hold on, let me see that picture. Okay, yeah, no, this is just Eli riding a pig

at the county fair. Oh, right, I see it. Easy mistake to make. Go to a doctor. You go to a doctor. But also you, Yvonne. You gotta go to a doctor. And we're back.

When we left off, Aunt Jessie was delightful. And now Michelle's mom is on the phone with some judgy Christian lady that she knows to slander the only good character in the movie other than Lifton. Yes, this is the scene I was teasing before the break where someone's like, you can't trust Jesse, she drove off the road, which we are now supposed to know means she died that way. Now, did you guys feel like the person on the other end of the phone who will never come back, by the way, we will never learn who that was.

In fact, the scene ends and the husband goes, who is that? And she goes, you know who it is. And I wrote my notes. I don't though. Can I know? Can I, the audience know? Oh, I have a theory. I think this was angry staring lady.

No, she hasn't met angry staring lady. But there, I thought maybe they're friends here. Like we don't see them meet in the movie yet, but when they meet later, it seems as though this might've been her on the phone. So a stranger who she doesn't know called her and yelled at her about where her daughter is going to college, and then later,

she doesn't recognize that person at all, but when she walks in the room, she's like, who are you? Well, no, this lady is part of the same church. I think they know each other. They definitely don't know each other. They definitely don't know each other. No, I think that this is the, I think this might be like a grandma.

I think it might be the mom's mom, the way she's nagging at her. Yeah. Cause she's also like, Michelle needs to get back here and go to seminary school, but like mom was pushing for her to go to Georgetown. So yeah, because we'll need to pray about this is exactly the line that staring lady says later. I think a couple of people. I think a lot of people say that.

Yeah. That's sweaty man in the first scene says it too. Yeah. They're also in this phone call, which makes it even more confusing. She says, Claire, we had a plan. We never find out what that plan is. We never find out how Claire deviated from the plan. It makes no sense. None. Right. I think my theory makes it fit all together. No, it doesn't. He's not trying to work your theory into the fucking movie. The movie didn't know what it was doing. The movie had no idea what was happening.

The movie was just like, these are words, I'm putting them together, let's see what happens. Either nothing makes sense or everything does. The god awful movie story. We're 35 minutes into this movie and not a thing has happened except that a woman has decided to and then has relocated to the Twin Cities area. Yes! That's it. And had some mildly pleasant conversation with friends and family members. Yeah.

And a ghost. Yeah. So now we're going to have what I would call the inciting incident of the film. She's setting up her room, which is very silly because it's like a Victorian mansion and she's putting up like Backstreet Boy posters. But she's setting up her room and they have that thing with the pop scare ghost in the mirror. But I want to clarify now, I sort of want to plant a flag. She will spend the rest of the movie talking about that.

Like it's a weird thing that happened. Not the pop scare moment, right? Like she is mildly bothered by the white lady ghost covered in flour she saw in the movie, but she talks about it like she's gonna run into a flower covered neighbor later in the movie who's gonna be, sorry I was baking and I ran out of baking soda, and you know you gotta get that in early or you don't get a good rise. Yep, for the next hour of the movie she's just gonna go around asking people like, hey is there like an old lady who just like walks around mostly across from mirrors and that's it? And every like, I don't think so. But yeah, that's possible.

We get that sometimes. You mean like Tyler Perry? Yes. She goes upstairs, she finds Lifton, right? She tells Lifton what happens. He's like, are you on drugs? And she's like, no. And then Lifton, and I love this and I wish more horror movies carried this forward. Lifton's like, well look, if I ever see a ghost lady who appears in mirrors, I'll punch her in the fucking face. It's a good plan. It's a great plan. Not enough people. Can I say? Not enough people try to punch a ghost. Like we don't know enough about ghosts that you shouldn't at least try a punch.

Yeah, this is the theory of our show is that Alan's belief in if there is something scary, you should run at it at full speed. Yeah, that ghost starts coming out of your TV in the ring. Just run up and start kicking it in the fucking kick in the head. At the very least, you're ruining its moment, right? At the very least, I'm coming out. She's not going to go back and brag to the other ghosts about you like swearing really loud and kicking her. I mean, I am stronger because I'm a demon. It just kind of killed me.

Usually they sit there frozen in horror and Alan just threw a toaster at me and said fuck off. So, I don't know. I mean, I killed him. He couldn't run away from me. It's Nazmatt. But! But I don't know. Something about the fire poker just kind of killed the magic. Stop. Did you throw a toast? That's nothing.

I'm doing a speech. Don't get the microwave. You didn't accomplish anything. So now we're going to cut over to her college's campus. Now podcast listener, I don't know if we're going to spoil this. I don't think we should because I don't think we should. We should save the twist, but I'm just going to say we have this thing where she meets her college counselor who looks like she's going to turn out to be a ghost for this movie.

She wants it's dumber. But the college counselor is like, yes, we have recruited you for our college. You are the top recruit. And then they talk a little bit. I will tell you. So if I can part the curtain slightly, we use a notation system for our notes where we'll like highlight a text in red when we're like, oh, we can skip this scene. We don't need to talk about it. I highlighted it in red. Then I got to the end of the movie and I was

like, okay, I guess I have to introduce the college counselor who she will have a mild conversation with her course load about and nothing else in the rest of the film. Oh, man. So good. Well, don't forget the college counselor does say, I love that neighborhood, and then wistfully looks out the window. She does.

I love that neighborhood. She does. Foreshadowing. Yes. Or is it? The weirdest. The number four. Yeah.

Foreshadowing. Weirdest foreshadowing. All right. So now we're going to meet the best friend. Good Lord. Yeah, exactly. Tammy. This is Annie. Tammy.

Do they meet through psychic connection? Absolutely. Okay. I thought they met because they were the two black ladies in line. I also saw that and was very uncomfortable with it. But what's happening is she's standing in line and she thinks, man, this is going to take forever, right? We see her mouth not move.

It is very clearly ADR to be a thought. And then her friend is like, I know these lines take a really long time. And so my ad canon for the rest of the film is that this character is psychic. It just doesn't bother to tell anybody. That would make sense why she shows up at her apartment later. Yes, you're right. This movie's tone though is just absolutely inscrutable. At this point, she's talking to Tammy about her future plans and she's like,

I was thinking about law school, but I don't want to be up in this motherfucker that long. And you're like, what? This is the same movie who earlier had a woman under her parents' tutelage. Yeah. Yeah. It is a very strange balance of like this fucking fuck. And the best thing about this as like a college essay

that you didn't really mean to write. So we're going to cut back to Aunt Jesse now. Aunt Jesse has a series of very problematic figurines. And look, I know that these figurines were probably made by a person of color to celebrate church life, but they could also have been made by a white racist. And so they made me very uncomfortable. Yeah. Although the black couple on the bench, I really liked that. That's cute. Coming to your address soon, Alan. Got to get you. Hit me with that PO box.

So Aunt Jessie is playing solitaire here. And she says, I'm playing solitaire, but I don't know how to play. So I wrote in my notes, so you're just moving cards around. What the fuck happened? She's a ghost. She is a ghost. She is a ghost. She's a dick hungry ghost. She is a ghost. She is a ghost. She's a dick hungry ghost. She's a dick hungry ghost who seems visibly drunk in the scene.

Yeah. She's like, you and that mind of yours. So she tells her about the white lady and she's like, I think it was a homeless person. She's like, no, I don't think she's a homeless person. And then she talks about homeless people like they're cockroaches for a little while, right? She's like, oh no, you gotta get the nest, otherwise they just keep coming back. The rules they have for the unhoused in this movie

are insane. Yeah, no, they're not great. No, they don't go in that neighborhood. They're only over here. This is where they stay. They never move anywhere else. Not near the golf course. Not near a golf course for crying out loud. Exactly, yeah.

And then Aunt Debbie, who I cannot emphasize enough then Aunt Debbie, who I cannot emphasize enough, Aunt Jessie, who I cannot emphasize enough, is a ghost, is like, would you like to use my gun? So again, we have, I will punch the ghost in the face and you can fucking shoot a ghost in the face. Uh-huh. Yeah, she's gonna shoot either ghosts or the homeless, TBD. And how does she emphasize that she indeed does own a gun?

She thinks Aunt Jessie's got a gun. Yeah, she does an Aerosmith Barry. She does an Aerosmith Barry, yeah, it's fantastic. From beyond the grave. From beyond the grave, she does an Aerosmith. And then she's like, hey, introduce me to Lifton. I think she might not know she's a ghost. Right, because she's talking about fucking the guy

from the grocery store. Okay, well, that's amazing, right? So she's like, oh, make sure you introduce me to Lifting. And she's like, all right, I gotta go Aunt Jessie. And then the camera stays with Aunt Jessie while Aunt Jessie talks about how hard she fucks for- A while. I'm not kidding four minutes.

She's like, I'll fuck the shit out of that guy. She's playing solitaire by herself. She is an otherworldly spirit. And she's like, you don't even know I need to ask about your aunt Jessie. You don't fucking ask around. One of the few wise decisions this director made was like I've got Lunel and the governor is fucking off She might have had a few I'm just gonna let her go and keep the camera rolling Yep, keep the camera rolling. Correct.

Okay, I think it's true though that Aunt Jessie doesn't know she's a ghost. So if it's like the Patrick Swayze scenario, you have to learn that you're a ghost stuck on earth. At first you think you're still a person because you're there, right? So she spent the last like three months, nobody will fucking listen to her. She says things and nobody says a word and she's just like, all right, everybody's a fucking asshole around here in Minneapolis, but I guess I'm still here and she doesn't know she's a ghost yet.

In that fiction, do you think the man who's Johnson shriveled up inside of him was the equivalent of the get off my train guy? Yeah, it was off my dick. Everything Aunt Jessie touches shrivels. Somebody get her a bottle cap. This is all coming together. Although she doesn't know how to move the cards around, so maybe she learned the physics are in.

They might be ghost cards. Ghost cards? The cards died with her in that car crash. We're going to cut over to Lifton. I want to say this scene doesn't matter. This is just Lifton's haunting experience, but Lifton is a delight, so I will talk about every scene. He makes himself a sandwich and then he

microwaves said sandwich for I'm going to say eight and a half minutes. Narrating it to himself the entire time, like I'm going to push the button. I'm going to push that button and now I'm going to wait. Sandwiches a slice of roast beef on dry bread. You cannot microwave bread. No, like a four inch slab. One slice of roast beef off a whole side of beef. And then he puts that between two pieces of bread and throws it in the microwave.

For so long. Weird. For so long. When he takes it out of the microwave, it will doubtless be on fire. Exploded. When the microwave dings later on, you could tell he was just like high as fuck and went, did I do that? Shit.

Did I ding again? It'll probably come out as a short rib taco. I'm just guessing if I put it on for like 19 minutes, that'll do it, right? Comes out, it's just beady. But yeah, he goes up to get his sandwich and someone stood the knife up. And the ghost is in the knife. Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, you see the reflection of the ghost.

Yeah. Oh, do you? I missed it. Yeah, I had to rewind it. The ghost is in the knife. In the knife. How subtle of this film. It's really hard for me to follow the motivation of the demon throughout most of this. Sure. So right here, some sort of demon who has nothing to do with Lifton. Lifton just like lives in this house. This demon was like, you know what? I'm going to fuck with this guy too for a second.

Knife. All right, that's it. And then that's the whole thing? That's like pranks? Did anyone live there before the two of them? Because he's only moved in a few weeks ago. And we've been told that the place is unrentable. Yeah.

It seems odd that the first two people Mrs. Hillshire rents to are the daughter of the person who co-owns the property and a random man named Lifton. And again, I can't emphasize enough. This is not like an apartment building. It's just like a Victorian castle and they're taking like the third dining room and it's just like, yeah, I guess Lifton lives in there. He seems to have a whole wing of the house as well. So now it's time to get to the parts of the movie that I was just like out and out laughing at. And I'm talking of course about the church staring contest.

Now he theories aside, the mom and her friend are talking in church right there in a normal church. They're, you know, gossiping in church. They turn and hooded staring lady who we mentioned earlier is just eye fucking her straight on. Turned 180 degrees around staring behind her. There is no scenario where you were being looked at like this, where you wouldn't go, hello, is everything okay? Everybody sees that lady looking at us, right? Yes!

Right there? The only one who's turned around during the sermon? I needed the pastor to be like, hey, sorry, you in the third row, are you staring at us? Is everything okay? So we have a quick moment where she studies with a friend. This is where we meet French study girl. This scene does not matter at all. The only reason I pointed out is that later French study girl, got out of here, French

study girl will know a witch who is also a twist in the movie. Don't worry. We'll get to it when we get to it. It'll come together. Yeah, exactly. It's all going to come together. So that night, roommate friend and French study friend and also a couple who are dating each other or not dating.

I don't know. They just say vile things to each other. The real and Renfro, they have fun banter. They have not fun banter, I would like to say. Yeah, by fun, I mean, not at all fun. And everybody hates the vibes every time they talk. For work! Are those people that argue in front of you and then try to make you pick sides and you just want to be dead?

Oh yes, absolutely. You want to be Aunt Jessie level dead? Guys, can we just go back to head bobbing silently to the hip hop world? Yes, exactly. No, we don't have orgasms either. No, we're done. We're backing out of the room. So yeah, they're fighting and bantering and playing cards for Jenga blocks, which I found very confusing. They're like, they're playing cards, but they're using the Jenga blocks as chips or they have somehow divided up the Jenga blocks. I think they were just playing Jenga at one point and now they're playing cards.

And now they've, I don't know, they've divided the Jenga blocks up around the table after playing Jenga. I was so distracted in this scene because I kept trying to figure out what the names of the fake beers were that they were drinking. One is Hatlight and the other one I'm pretty sure is Lowbrow. D-R-A-U. Lowbrow? Yeah, like lowbrow and brow. As the resident chubby man, I was distracted because there were three bowls for snacks on the table Pretzels Cheetos and a completely empty bowl. I was like, what was that?

That was the cocaine bowl And that's why nobody's eating the Cheetos the pretzels now Yeah They're also like mixing bowl size snack bowls with just normal amounts of snack in them So either they have absolutely gone to town On a party-sized bag of Cheetos or they poured that those are the only bowls they have So they get to talk again this movie will have three conversations over and over again until it gets to like one minute before the end Of the film they start to talk about their different superstitions.

Many of these I had not heard of. Have you guys heard of anointing your walls to stop thumps in the night? No, it seems flammable. I don't think you should put oil on the walls of your home. Yeah. Right. How much anointed oil is it? The gesture that matters. Can you aerate the oil? Can you put it in one of those like oil, those scented oil burners and it'll just kind of cover the whole house? Get a diffuser. Exactly, a diffuser. Thank you. Yeah. One person brings up that I had not heard this before. If a bird flies into your house,

someone you know is going to die. Yeah, I have heard that before. Oh, you have? Yeah. Oh, okay. Interesting. Yeah. And that's true. Yeah. Because everybody cries. Because everyone's going to die. And then the time dimension does move forward. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We get that goosebumps are a ghost being near you.

I had heard that one. This was the one, I think, someone in the crew. I'm going to go ahead and say Katie, the PA who did the voice. Stop. Caitlin, the PA who did the voice The PA who did the voice they were like, you know that thing where you're in a room and then everything feels familiar I feel like someone was like do you mean deja vu and they were like, what the fuck is that? And she was like nothing never mind Whatever that they will constantly describe they will multiple times in this movie describe deja vu without someone going do you mean deja vu?

If they had said that they would have had one French phrase correct in the entire movie But Michelle Michelle's a skeptic right she says to do your research on deja vu And then Edward tells his story, okay, okay, this is the best when Eddie they all said and he's like I saw a really big guy once! And everybody's like, Oh, are you done with your... Thanks, Eddie. And he's like, yep. Thanks, E-dog.

You're here too, bud. Uh-huh. They say that, they're like, Hey, did you have a second half of that story? He's like, absolutely not. I just saw a large man once. They're like, well, maybe he was going to rape you. And they do like a freeze frame laugh. They're like, ah, ha, rape you and they do like a freeze-frame laugh they're like ah friendship Eddie is merely there to

later on in the movie do the most insane thing have ever seen it's fucking incredible it's incredible I think maybe Eddie didn't know he was an actor in a movie like he was just genuinely hanging out with people and he was like you guys have some weird lamps in your house and And they're like, those are cameras. And he's like, cam-sures lamps. I'm a locksmith. He is a locksmith. Speaking of lamps, one falls over outside. So of course, Michelle has to go check it out by herself.

She goes over to the lamp and then this is so funny. So this is classic pop scare and horror movies, right? Someone goes and fixes the thing and then like out of the corner of your eye you spy it. And I think that's what the movie was going for and then they realized we couldn't see it. So we have to watch them slowly zoom in and be like, the ghost is there. The ghost is over there. There's an old lady. We could see the old lady. We couldn't get it in the shot. And then her friends pop scare her when she gets back in for the cheesy poofs.

Yeah, I kind of like the touch of everyone being gone when she gets back and that the bowl is just rattling around on the table. She sits down, does not give a shit that no one is there. And then they all pop out and scare her. But the table was in the middle of the room. Why did they come from? Where did they go? She's a scientist. So she comes back and she's just like oh, that's just fucking bull pareidolia and everybody disappeared

I'm an atheist. That's fine. There's no like I just fucking I can't see those people. They must never have existed All right more more lowbrow beer for me Now we're gonna cut to her and French friend they're doing homework together They have some homework banter. And then again, because there are only three conversations in the entire film, she's going to bring up to French friend that there's an, again, she does not say I saw a ghost or I don't know what she saw. She says this old lady keeps dropping by my house.

And again, and Alan teased this earlier, this is where the French friend points out that there couldn't be any homeless people because there's a golf course nearby and they keep it really nice. She knows a lot about property. Yeah. And she's like, there's this fucking crazy moment, right? Where she looks down, I don't know what this was supposed

to be, she looks down at her homework and she says, before the calm comes the storm yes what does that mean? which would be bizarre enough but then Michelle is like stop saying scary words right fucking now don't you ever fucking say scary words again she's like it's just what's in our homework and she's like oh okay okay but why would French homework have the phrase, before the calm comes the storm in it? She was doing a French essay on QAnon. But then she says, I know a person who's into ancient witchery.

Yep. Ancient witchery. I know an ancient witch. If you'd like to call the ancient witch, here's the ancient witch's cell phone number. Get her on the blower. Okay. All right.

I think it's time to talk at least in part about spoilers for this movie because I think it's going to really help us break down what's going on here. You guys ready to crack this baby wide open or should we save it? No, crack it open. Okay, let's crack it open. Okay. The ancient witch that the French friend knows, that the friend who is studying French knows, is the college admissions counselor, who is in fact

not a college admissions counselor. She is a distant relative of the Russian girls seeking vengeance for the murder of her distant relatives. So is part of her vengeance plan befriending a French major at a local university, hoping that the person she is invited to the college will eventually be referred to her for ancient witch advice? She has an office on campus and does get Michelle registered for her classes. She does!

Yeah, I think she actually is a faculty member at the University of Minnesota as part of her plan too. No, she's not. There's a whole part of that in the twist. We'll get to that when we get to it, but she's not. She's just a lady. The letter. The letter, yeah. It says in the letter. I think the letter was saying that like a false letter got sent, but she could be an actual faculty member who sent a letter that wasn't legit. Yes, because it says like, it says this has been addressed with Miss Lawrence on the letter. Oh. So I think she got fired for this.

She's like an adjunct in the English department who just wrote this random girl. Okay. This is like an eight decade long con. It's a really, really long con. She's like a demon and she went and studied like university administration And she befriended Eventually a student of French who knows yeah It's a whole thing as a carrot like as a bit in character She befriended a student of French in case she would later get referred anyways, but we'll we'll talk about that later. All right Okay. Now we have a club scene. Oh god. I

We'll talk about that later. All right. Okay. Now we have a club scene. Oh God. I was very upset by pretty much everything happening here. As an old man, I love the volume of the music in the club. It was nice and low. I could hear all the conversation.

I thought it was respectful. Yeah, exactly. Where are the clubs for the old people like us with just, you know, lo fi beats going on in the background. I will say the man who approaches the table and dances with her and then is never acknowledged again. So this is what happens, right? They're in the middle of a banter.

They're not really talking about anything. It's the same fucking conversation about I have a spooky house, right? But in the middle of it, a gentleman walks up and is like, hello today, do you own her? And the guy's like, yes, I do. And he's like, no, you don't. So while the conversation continues, they go, apparently have a full dance. And then she comes back and just picks up the conversation where it left off. Like nothing happens. She's, she's like, well, we see them dancing in the background. She's arms around the neck,

full on grinding on him. And then just right back to the table. He's not my type. Yep. But what the friend says, live it up. It's Minnesota. These things are all right. Land of a thousand lakes and land of a thousand. What they don't tell you is that most of those lakes are wet pussies. That's right. Good Lord.

What? Land of a thousand wet pussies. That's what they were. Such a venom. Katie says it and it's on her Facebook status right now, Minnesota is the land of a thousand wet pussy And I love cops And they're all wet for cops I've also never been out with someone who's ordered a daiquiri and I was like, okay. Thank you So Michelle's like I'll have a coke she's being responsible and then one of the? So Michelle's like, I'll have a Coke. She's being responsible.

And then one of the guys in the group is like, I'll have a strawberry daiquiri. And I wanted so bad for this server to be like, okay, and come back with a giant frozen strawberry daiquiri with 19 garnishes way too big to be holding on a dance floor. So ridiculous of an order. Why would a nightclub do daqueries of all things? Or at least they'll serve and be like, fuck you. Yeah. We're not getting a blender out right now.

Absolutely not. I'm not making one on the rocks either. We're going to blender and then we're going to fucking salt the rim and put in the fucking donut and pineapple. I feel like sugar on the rim. Go fuck yourself. Absolutely not. He might as well have been like, oh, yeah

The lady will have a rum and coke and I will have a turkey dinner Okay, so then they head back to Friends house to party some more now. It's time for staring hood lady to have a conversation with mom. So mom opens the door that night and Staring Hood lady is there and she's like, okay, well, you can't just stare at me now because you're the only person here. And she's like, hi, how's it going? She's like, may I come in? No, the fuck you may not. Okay. Can I add to my theory right here?

Sure. Yes. So she says, how's your father, as if to know the person somehow ahead of time. And then mom, Michelle's mom says, how's old man Wilson, as if she knows the staring hood lady and knows that staring hood lady knows somebody

named old man Wilson, right? Yes, but she doesn't because she says who? She says who? She says, who? She says, who? She literally no buts your theory. She's like, oh, wait, why would you say any? Why would you say, how's your father? It doesn't make it. They know each other.

They they don't know each other. You can assume someone has or had a father. Old man Wilson is not standard issue. So she says, why have you come? Right. And she says, okay. She says, why were you staring at me like that in church? Great question. And she says, you had a goat, the severed head of a goat on top of your head. And then we get a flashback to that where they have very clearly actually put a bloody goat mask on this actress's head. Keith has shared a picture of it in our notes and Tim, with my whole heart, I want to recommend

Tim share this out on our social media. I would give any amount of money, any amount of money to have been there the day when they were like, okay, so now we now we're going to put this bloody goat mask on you. Please. The look on the other woman's face in the photo is actually the best part of it. It's the best. She's like, not my head. She's so happy to be there. You're going to put this on the Stagram? She's just like, YOLO, selfie of the goat, bloody head.

If you ever see me smiling in a picture of Heath, it's because he's in an uncomfortable situation. That is the facial expression that this woman has. She's like, oh my God, they put a big fucking wet goat head on Mary and she's so mad under the she's Furious I can taste her rage through my computer screen And then birds fly in and then birds fly in cuz you know, she goes someone in your family is about to be cut off Yeah, Lance Burton style So now we're gonna get Edwards

Incredible choice Alan tease this earlier. Mmm. Alan is Burton style. So now we're going to get Edward's incredible choice. Alan teased this earlier. Alan is breaking in. Edward. Not Alan. Why are you making us the villains of this movie? Look, I got to cast dispersions where I can, okay? Edward is breaking into Michelle's house to take a bath?

To take a bath? This old timey Victorian house has a nice jacuzzi tub. Yeah, it's a really nice bathroom and a nice jacuzzi. He's a locksmith. I guess that's a good use of your skills. Sneak in. You're not doing much harm to anybody. You're just using the nice bath.

But he knows they're not there. He knows they're at Tammy's. Yeah, that's why he went to take a bath. So he literally just wanted to take a bath. Yeah. He's not even J. Owen. He's a bath guy. He's a bath guy. He's going to go in there and be like some kind of sex's. Yeah, that's why he went to take a bath. So he literally just wanted to take a bath. Yeah. He's not even J. Owen. He's a bath guy. He's a bath guy.

He's going to go in there and be like some kind of sex pest. Yeah. But instead he's just like, no, I'm just going to go take a bath. Yeah. I was like, where's your scented candles Edward? What are you doing here? The most baffling thing about this is that Michelle comes back to her apartment and doesn't notice that he's in her bathtub.

She goes to bed. Like, did she not pee before going to bed? No. After drinking all that, it's crazy. Yeah. Okay. Now we're going to get one of my favorite gross out bits I've ever seen in horror cinema. And I want to point out, like, I have seen almost every movie in the Encyclopedia Psychotronica. Very few things have made me laugh harder than the scene she walks across. So she hears a rhythmic thumping, right? She wakes up, she goes and follows it, and it's the old lady.

Know the old lady she's been sort of seeing as a pop scare? The old lady is just stabbing herself in her hand and they zoom in on it, and it's very clearly a fake rubber hand, and this actress is just stabbing away. And she's like doing it sarcastically. She's like, I'm sorry, is this the scary thing that's happening in the movie?

Yeah, just like tap, tap, tap, right? Like the thing from Aliens, but I'm hitting my hand each time, huh? But I lose all the time. I have to tell you guys that this is better than many, many things we've seen in the movies we've covered. No!

I was like, oh, look at that. That's kind of class. I like that, yeah. I was like, oh, look at that. That's kind of class. I like that. Yeah. I also like that the noise she's making just sounds like the washing machine is like uneven. Yes! Right. V-boom, v-boom, v-boom.

Which she hears and wakes her up. Edward does not hear. Yeah. Okay. All right. All right. But she doesn't actually wake up. Oh, right.

It's a dream. It was a dream. It was a dream. And then of course, Edward's in the bath and he gets pop scared as well. Right. Yeah, she wants to jacuzzi too. You can't blame her for that. Yeah. So Edward actually gets attacked. Michelle, it was just a nightmare. So apparently the demon lady did a nightmare fake out on Michelle,

like as a diversion so she can then, I guess, flirt with the beautiful naked man in the bathtub and that went badly? I'm not sure. I guess we'll find out. No, we actually won't. But first, let me give Act 3 the hard sell. What was that? Did you hear something?

Is the movie going to start? No. Find out that no, not for a fucking while. When we return for the remaining-tastic conclusion of Matthew 18. What do you want from me, spirit? Head out! Got him. Uh, Kevin, what are you doing?

Yeah, what the hell, man? I shot the ghost in the face. Yeah, I noticed. Why would you try to shoot a ghost? She's already dead already dead. Thank you. I don't know But maybe you can shoot him later or not to try you don't know Kevin. Do you not know I? Was trying to hell well now I feel like an idiot in front of an undead spirit It's fine. No honestly. I tell you what why don't we just scrap tonight? like an idiot in front of an undead spirit. It's fine.

No, honestly, I tell you what, why don't we just scrap tonight? We'll do tomorrow. You come, you do some banging. I'll follow with just a flashlight and nobody will have a gun. OK. OK. Again, I am so sorry about this. It's OK. Where did you even get a gun? We're in Minnesota. Everyone's got a gun.

Yeah, that's fair. Get out. I said tomorrow. Sorry, sorry. And we're back. When we left off, Edward had the worst B&E bath time of his career. He got attacked by a ghost. And then apparently we're going to learn he just jumped out of the bath naked, ran outside and got arrested right away. Yeah. So, real bad experience with that. And now, we cut to the next morning, and Michelle gets a call from her mom. Mom had a premonition.

Yeah. Did she say she had a nightmare about a non-binary person chasing her, or was that just supposed to be mysterious language? Yes. She's like, I couldn't tell if they were male or female. Like that's very frightening to her. So, mom, maybe the dream comes after you tell me grandpa's health status. She does.

Grand thought dying as an afterthought. She's like, yes. So, and then, you know, my third grade teacher was there. Anyways, it was weird. Oh, your grandpa's not long for this world also. He's dying, he'll be dead any second. One of your legs was a telephone. Anyway, grandpa's dying, yeah.

Strange moment. Which she blames on Michelle being in Minneapolis. She's like, I have a bad feeling about this whole Minneapolis situation. Like you're killing your grandfather. Yeah, and Michelle says, no, he was fine. And I was like, he wasn't fine. He was apparently paralyzed from a stroke

and unable to speak last time you saw him. And he's elderly and that was weeks ago? Yeah. I'm not sure that he knew he was in a movie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So now we cut back to the house.

Mrs. Hillshire is snooping. She snoops on some mail. This is the letter we talked about before. We'll talk about it again. That's a federal crime. It is. Yes, thank you. She just rips the envelope and everything. She's not even secretive about it. Yeah, she's not even snooping. She's just opening mail. Open and shut case. But Michelle goes to church and she prays that God not take her grandpa?

Sure. Right? Yeah, that's the one. And now, this is very confusing. Okay? And again, I'm going to crack this one wide open because I need your help, I need your guidance and all I have is Heath over here telling me that Hood Lady and Mom went to high school together.

So it's very confusing. What's the difference between them? They don't know each other! They definitely didn't know each other. How dare you? They were just speaking cryptically past each other by chance. Okay. So now Snoopy Lady goes into the basement and she gets killed by the ghost, right?

Uh-huh. With a hammer, yeah. Yeah. But she also shows up at the door at the end of the movie. I don't know what that was meant to be. Okay. Okay. You got an idea?

Okay, so she gets hit like in the neck here with a hammer. Yeah. And then later in the movie, we see her with a neck wound. So I guess maybe she didn't get all the way killed. Maybe. So the only thing I can think, would you like my theory about that right now? Please, Alan, save me. Does it explain how they knew each other?

The staring lady and the mom? Does it mean that the hood lady and her met at the earthquake shelter? She is Mr. Wilson. That was being asked about her. Yes! No. She goes to the house party at the end of the movie and there's a long lingering shot on the two Russian women from the beginning of the movie and the small child.

Their daughter. Their daughter. Who was with them. And then the lingering shot, it's focused on the daughter and then the door opens and it's that older woman. And I was like, oh, she the daughter? Which, yes, is a good theory. Yeah. Except that the witch is going by the name Angelica, which is the name of the daughter. Yeah. I don't. I can only have one theory. Except that the witch is going by the name Angelica, which is the name of the daughter. Yeah.

I don't... I can only have one theory. There's only one theory. So yeah, she... White lady gets killed. Mrs. Hillshour gets killed. Then we get my favorite scene in the film. Just got to shout it out. Lifton, we haven't watched Lifton experience anything except the kitchen knife, but Lifton is fucking out of here. And so we will spend a four-minute hilarious scene where Lifton's just like,

yeah, I'm leaving, let's fucking get out of here. And she's like, well, she's acting like a horror movie protagonist, right? She's like, well, I don't know, maybe. And he's like, nope, we should leave. We should leave. We should leave now? We should leave now. He just keeps yelling, follow suit to her. It's a catchphrase, it's follow suit.

I love this emphasis on suit. And then he drives away and he is gone from the movie. Exit Lifton. So good. Away leaving a box that fell off the top of his car behind. Exit Lifton pursued by a bear. I think face on love was like, look, I got a con that I'm getting to. There's a big worm. So I'll see you guys later. OK, now her friend Tammy shows up. I love was like look I got a con that I'm getting to there's a big worm

Okay now Her friend Tammy shows up right the one that she met in the bookstore earlier And she's she is going to break the news to us about Edward Remember how he told you when we first came back from the commercial that Edward didn't actually die from the ghost ladies pop scare He just ran into like the road and was found naked Tammy thinks that is a sign that he was cheating on her with Michelle. Yeah. Tammy sees Edward's boxers and because he took them off to get into the bath and they're still there. Right. Which would Michelle had found earlier and was like, huh, what are you going to know?

Anyway. She must still have not gone to the bathroom in the morning because she would have seen her bathtub all full. What is wrong? I'm worried about her. She's got a blockage. Yeah. Maybe he drained the tub and then ran away from Ghost.

Maybe, maybe. No, he's beaten cheeks, buck ass naked. Yeah, he is. I wouldn't call it indecent. That was decent exposure. That was decent exposure. Very decent exposure. That was decent exposure. That was decent exposure. That was a very decent exposure. Enjoyable exposure.

So she's like, okay, they're in the middle of this argument, right? Like it's a full on drama scene where she's like, oh, don't lie to me. And she's like, I wouldn't lie to you. We're better friends. And then the ghost interrupts them to be like, hey, I'm sorry. I don't want to cause you guys to fight. I'm here to kill you both He says how come every time I fucking come over here something is falling which is I'm sorry the greatest line

Incredible I cackled she's not wrong Can you just put your lamps on like flat stuff crazy Too many angles, but yeah the ghost shows up and she's like, ah, and they're like, oh, nevermind, we're not fighting anymore. There was a ghost the whole time. And they run away from the ghost. What the fudge. So now they're driving away, right?

They're driving away and they're trying to discuss what to do about the ghost. Michelle is still talking about it. Even though she saw the old lady like stomping her hand with a knife, even though she knows that it scared Edward, like all this mysterious supernatural stuff has happened. She is still talking about it like it's a homeless person who wanders in. She wants to get police protection against the ghost. Yeah, she's still talking about like ghost knife pareidolia. Like

it's like a science thing. But then she's like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, it's probably racist, Mrs. Hillshire trying to make me leave the house. And then right in the middle of that thought, she's like, wait again, hold on. My French major friend knows a witch demon expert. Let's figure it out with that. Yes. She went from that woman being a practitioner of ancient witchery to, oh yeah, my friend is a medieval instructor. And I was like, yeah, listen, if you're drunk and can't remember words, you have to stop

the scene. Stop the scene and get on our podcast. Damn it. So now it's time to head over to which lady again, we have spoiled this, but which lady is the college counselor who is Angelica, who was the sister of the two Russian ladies who got murdered. The little kid of one of them. Right. She's the little kid of one of the Russian ladies who got murdered. The times don't work out. The ages don't work out. She is in this scene dressed in all these weird prosthetics so that it won't ruin that for us. But like, I want you to, you know,

those Mission Impossible scenes where they pull off the face mask and it's like, oh, I was Tom Cruise the whole time. I want you to imagine you know those mission impossible scenes where they pull off the face mask And it's like oh, I was Tom Cruise the whole time I want you to imagine if all those scenes were just Tom Cruise with like a like a Halloween adventure Chuckie mask on of whoever it was cuz she's just I spent the whole scene being like what is on this actor's face Why is this actor dressed like this? She's so wet. Who is this actor supposed to be? Why is she so wet? So wet. Her eyebrows were so like dripping with moisture. And I was like, what?

They shaved his part. They were like, hey, we don't want anyone to know it's you. So they shaved off her eyebrows and painted eyebrows about three inches up on her forehead. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. From real Kim Novak shit, yeah. For all you young heads out there. Yeah.

Alan just turned 50. So they're talking to the witch lady, right? And the witch lady is supposed to be doing, like, mysterious speech here, right? She says, the ghost will exist until the conflict is resolved, but perhaps it wants it to be absolved and nobody corrects her and says absolved. They spend the rest of the scene being like, how do you think they'll try to absolve this

problem? Well, there are many ways in which it can be absolved. It's insane. Meanwhile, Julia, who's the French student, is just trying to shoehorn the phrase mad scramble back into the... Oh my God! I told you it was a mad scramble. Did you think it was a mad scramble? Mad scramble.

Was she getting paid by the mad scramble? I think she might have been getting paid by the mad scramble. Lifton was allowed to say follow suit like 19 times. I'm getting my own catchphrase. Also in this scene, Michelle refers to Mrs. Hillshire as a witch, and I was like, maybe read the room and don't use that term derogatorily when you're meeting with a fucking witch

who's helping you for free. Oh, I thought you were just a medieval instructor. Forgive me. So she finishes this big dramatic monologue about ghosts and they'll remove the absolve with death. And then... When I say remove remove I mean death. Yes.

Literal line she says, and when I say remove it, I mean death. And I wrote my notes. Comedy fails me. There's the, I can, all I can do is just tell the audience. Someone wrote that line and a different person said it. But Michelle is still an atheist now. She's like, okay, at the end of this, there's no ghosts or spirits hunting people.

This was dumb. And they leave. And then Julia has to be like, hey, thanks for doing this, Angelica. Sorry about fucking atheist science nerd. I know you set up all these candles and everything's feeling heavy. You did your face moisturizing before. You take Venmo? Only medieval currency. So she goes to see Aunt Debbie, we don't see that, but now Michelle has a gun. Jessie. She goes to see Aunt Jessie, but now Michelle has a gun. I don't like the disappointed tone with which you guys correct me for not remembering I notice you're getting lift incorrect. This is episode 451. Okay There've been a lot of ants Okay, but the way that we know Michelle has the gun is the best because we just get a shot of Michelle and then she pulls

A gun out of her bag and she's like, look at this gun that I have. And then puts it back in her bag and then they cut again. Put it back. Just so we know she's got it. Does she even use the gun? No! Never. Why would she? Wow. It's Michael Chekhov's gun.

Yeah, right. She does immediately find a bloody deed to the house though, just on a shelf. Yep, she does. And she leaves it there. She doesn't take it for further examination. She doesn't get on out of there. So now she goes upstairs and Angelica, which lady is here? And she is going to give us the big reveal, right?

The big reveal, which will be told through flashbacks is, and please step in and correct me if I am not telling this fucking insane twist correctly. The Russian, because there was a mad scramble for houses in the area. Mad scramble, mad scramble. The Russians bought the house. Random Wica. Hey, podcastists, remember we were like, hey, a guy's going to sit next to another guy in

a church at the fucking very beginning of this podcast. That guy didn't want them to own the house. Did he also buy it? Did he own it beforehand? He sold it to the Russian ladies and then also didn't want them to buy. He got mad after they paid him for the house. I think he got foreclosed on because they said it was during the depression. I think that he, the bank took the house and they bought it from the bank and he was like, no, it's been in my family for generations. I'm sorry. There's one thing that makes sense. No, thank you.

He's been at the bank then, but yeah, okay. Got it. Anyways, so that happened and then he murdered the two Russian sisters? Yeah. Yeah. With the help of Michelle's great-grandfather. Right. With the Michelle of his best friend, Michelle's great grandfather. And he was like, hey, I have this blood spattered deed. Do you just want to go splitsies on the house? We now flash forward to the prison where Angelica, the psychic medium, which pulls off her Tom Cruise

mask and it reveals herself to be the college advisor. So good. I like that she shows up and she does like a pop scare show up and then she's like, sorry, I showed up like a pop scared even I need to work on that because like, you know, I was like a witch earlier and that would be scary. But I actually am the bad guy. And then she pulls the mask off. Yes.

Okay. So now we cut over to mom. Michelle's mom, hoodie lady who does not know her is back Mr.. Wilson's friend they seem very well acquainted Ben Wilson, please start they had several like inside jokes that didn't even make sense to me, but like they know each other And she's like it's your daughter. She's in danger Right, let's shake this table together. They shake a table together Right? Let's shake this table together.

They shake a table together. Right? And they're okay. Again, I want to be corrected if I'm incorrect. Their Matthew 18 table shaking results in the police showing up to shoot Angelica, who's the granddaughter of the daughter of the Russian ladies who had their house stolen by the guy who knew her great grandfather's father Just in time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. Okay, that's precise. After Angelica has said When she say oh that the goat was sacrificed for the sins of its people like the goat was like, you know what guys? I'm gonna take this one. Yes, but right. The line that this actress does, and it's so good, she literally says,

you're the goat. You're the goat. And then the cops shoot her. Yeah. It's her final line in the movie. Before that though, she says, the university didn't recruit you. It was me who recruited you. It was I who recruited you.

And then was that when we cut back to the letter? me who recruited you. It was I who recruited you. Yeah. And it was that when we cut back to the letter. Yes, we come back to the letter. We see the chief's twelve thousand dollars in debt. We're going to need you to pay that twelve thousand dollars. Another letter being like, yeah, Joe Biden's thing got canceled. You actually do owe us a whole bunch of money for the fake college. Well, they got what are you going to do?

It somehow ended with thanks, Obama. It was weird. So now we cut outside, right? The police have murdered that lady. Right? And she's like, oh, you guys must have been here because of my aunt Debbie did my aunt, my aunt Jessie. You guys must have been here because my aunt Jessie called the cops and they're like, no, no, I knew your aunt Jessie. She's been dead for months and then we get a flashback to her dying. They actually do like, hasn't been alive for three months. Yes.

And the way that she dies is she's driving fairly slowly through a suburban neighborhood and the ghost appears in her passenger seat and she drives off the road. Yep. That was the ghost even's plan to just be like, I'll probably just pop up while she's driving on a, well, yeah, residential street. I guess that's not great. There might be. You know what they say.

It's too late. It's too late. 35 miles an hour over and it's a deadly speed. I've been doing lamp stuff this whole time and I want to just do something a little bit different. Then we hear the, remember the waitress who they were rude to who said even the dead were real and then was like, riddles, riddle. We hear that again for no reason.

Why? Because Aunt Jessie was dead and she was real. That's right. Think about it, won't you? Get it together. Now we cut back to the plane. He was dead and she was real. That's right. Won't you get it together? Now we cut back to the plane the stewardess recognizes her she's like Michelle, right? How you doing going back so soon you failed out of school didn't you you dummy? Right, and she's like, yeah. No, I'm going home. Someone tried to sacrifice me while dressed as my college counselor

And she literally says the the old story, there are ghosts in Minneapolis. Also the guy behind her on the plane is reading Matthew 18 in his Bible. Yeah. Yeah. In case you fucking morons didn't understand why this movie was named this. Look at here. I wanted that guy to like have something useful just to be like, Hey, by any chance you in front of me, are you in like a demon scenario? Because I'm reading Matthew 18 and it feels very apropos to what's going on for you.

Your mom and a friend of hers from a long time ago that they've known. They should probably get together and pray for you and that would save it, right? OK. And there's a ghost on the plane. This is the best. Now we cut to Russian people. We know they're Russian because they have the Russian nesting dolls and... And because the Tetris theme is playing. Yes.

And the Tetris theme is playing. The establishing shot of nesting dolls is the best they could think of. Just like, pierogies? That's Russia. Destroying Americans' elections. Polonium atoms. It's such a long shot. We watch this woman walk through the party, stop, and have a full fucking conversation in silence.

We can't hear what they're saying. She's just doing the like, because it's an establishing shot, but it's 97 minutes long. And then she opens the door and Mrs. Hillshire, who we thought was killed in an earlier scene is standing on the doorstep. Why? I have no idea. Are they the family of the Russian girls who were killed? I'm your grandma now dog.

Yeah. So at this point in the movie, I literally now, dog. Yeah. Like, who knows? So, at this point in the movie, I literally wrote, is this a video of someone's wedding that just got recorded over for the movie? It's so long. I thought my browser stopped working and like the audio had cut out or something

because we watch, I'm gonna say, conservatively, three minutes of silent Russian house party. Mixing. That's it. Just mingling. Just having a lovely time. Okay, so then Final shot of the movie. We cut back to Michelle on the plane We pan up and ghost lady is just sitting behind her on the plane, but I want to be clear She's not floating. She's not mysteriously sitting. She's just also on the flame She's got a seat in coach in coach. Yes You're a demon. You can't like work out some way to get the money for first class

Maybe you're not doing anything from there hover above the seat. Those are so expensive That's why I rest I'm gonna watch a minions movie. They always have all the minions movies available. I love that gargamel looking guy Okay, what did that mean? So before we close it out does anyone have any idea? What that meant? What did we learn about demons? What did the movie think happened in their movie at the end? Yes, never trust a college scholarship. Oh. That's pretty good advice actually. There you go. My last note is just, oh, Roy.

Oh yeah. Roy Belfry had his fingers all over this. Hell did. No, I don't, there's no moral to this movie. No, I don't know who was right and who was wrong. I guess left the staring lady in. Yeah. Yeah. What you want to do is have a mom who knows a staring lady who knows some Christian. Incredibly well.

They're very close. Yeah. Church together, probably. Yeah, exactly. My favorite thing about the end of this movie was that at the end of the credits, it was a Bats and Belfry Productions and productions was spelled wrong. Yep. Sure was.

Sure was. What was it? Productions? I was spelled wrong. Yep, sure was. Sure was. What was it, productions? I was in the wrong place, I think. Productiones. Perfect ending. All right. That's going to do it for Matthew 18, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we found another terrible movie for next week.

So Eli, what's on deck? Well, Heath, as we eagerly await the release of Plandemic the musical, I realized that we were still one plandemic movie behind. So we'll be getting caught up with plandemic three, The Great Awakening. Lovely. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 451 to a merciful close.

Big thanks to Katie and Alan for joining us. Thank you for having us. Very much appreciate it. And in case anyone's new, where can people go to hear more from you? If you just search Werewolf Amulance on any of your pod catchers out there, your podcast listening apps were on there. We are lightly on social media, but not so much anymore. You can email us at werewolfambulance.gmail.com.

Fantastic. And yeah. And you can learn all about the best and worst horror movies of all time on Werewolf Ambulance. Heck yeah. Yeah, you can. Very fun show. Thanks so much for having us, guys. This is always such a delight. Pleasure having you be here. And of course, a big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity. If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per episode donation always such a delight. all the podcast places. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email godawfulmovies.gmail.com. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil

Giraffes on Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Katie Allen and Eli, I'm Heath. Promise to work hard, turn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the Animal House clothes. Michelle just pays the $12,000 to go to the University of Minnesota like a regular ass person. The ghost ladies start a ghost were people too campaign for ghostly property rights. A demon ate Lifton's microwave meat sandwich. It was bad. It was a bad sandwich. Dead lady airplane ghosts did to order a vegetarian meal. They just forgot to put it on the plane.

Should have bought the tapas. Sorry. I didn't know. Flawless performance. Flawless. This is Peter chopping the guy's ear off next to Jesus. 100%, which I think about all the time. What? Just like, ah, I thought we were doing the fight right. Shit.

Why would we have not said, and we're going quietly. I just thought I'd get the jump on it. And then Jesus has to go heal the guy. He has to go, I'm so sorry, whoa, whoa, whoa, okay. Feel like the dramatic exit's ruined, let's just go. Peter, can you join me over here for an HR meeting? I'm busy. I'll be right back.

Oh, wait, wait, sorry, Eli, I think you changed the words around so that it doesn't say exactly what you meant. Oh, man, those other brands charge you hundreds for less than half those features. You did it different again. Man, those more. Man, those other brands. I do doing it wrong until you vomit. Man, the same brains would charge you the same amount for less than more than half.

Stop, cut, cut, cut. Fuck. Peace is war and war is freedom. Read the words, you piece of shit.