God Awful Movies - 453: Best Friends Genetically Modified

Episode Date: April 23, 2024

This week, Cara Santa Maria joins us for an atheist review of Best Friends Genetically Modified; the third movie in Donald James Parker's "Best Friends" trilogy, and Cara's first taste of the Grampsiverse. --- Check out more from Cara on the Talk Nerdy podcast --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

The argument was about like, why are we putting fluoride in the water when we could be putting vitamins and minerals in the water? And literally they're like, there are no minerals in tap water. And I'm like, what? There are a shitload of minerals in tap water. Kid, thank you for finally saying it. How come they don't make the water chalky milk? If they can make the water something,

they should make it Choccy milk. Everybody like Choccy milk. You could shit into Choccy milk and take a shower at Choccy milk. Everybody love Choccy milk. God awful movie. Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie!

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Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! bad friend Eli Bosnik. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I have ascended, Noah. I have ascended. I'm as good as I'll ever be. All right. Interesting. And we're also excited to welcome back perennial guest masochist and host of the Talk Nerdy podcast, Kara Santa Maria. Kara, welcome back.

Oh, I... Okay, we'll get there. You have not ascended? Have you not ascended? No, I've not ascended, but't miss she's she's ascending everybody There's a slightly less grumbly grumble in my voice Slightly less descended the normal at the very least so tell us Carol. What will we be breaking down today? Okay, so no lie. This movie is called best friends genetically modified today. Okay, so no lie, this movie is called Best Friends Genetically Modified. Those four words in order. It's what happens when the internal monologue of a Trump-loving, Fox News-watching, tinfoil

hat-wearing, abject misogynist hires his neighbors to act out his internal monologue. I think that's what we were watching. So I came up with an alternative title, you know, like Dr. Strangelove, Old Man Shakes Fist at Clouds. Nice. Literal. Yeah, chemtrails. Yeah. Yeah, right. Yeah. Specifically. So now this was your introduction to the Gramps verse, right? Or have we subjected you to Donald James Parker movies before? Oh my God. There are more of these.

We have watched like nine of these movies. So many more of these? We have watched like nine of these movies. So many more of them. Oh my god. Yeah, and they're all him hiring his neighbors to act out his internal monologue. It's fucking amazing. This actually is the third movie in his second trilogy. We also watched Best Friends Recycled and I think the Best Friends Eternally was the first one. Yeah, that was the last one. was the first one? Yeah, that was the last one. All right, so Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you're a big fan of the Donald James Parker verse, and we are, but you wish he really got into the nitty gritty terrible beliefs he's only hinted at in his previous films, you will love this movie. And I do.

Yes. will love this movie and I do. Yes, yes. This is everything you want out of a Donald James Barker movie. Little behind the scenes spoiler here, okay. I found out about this trilogy from a listener sending me an email saying, hey, you have to watch this movie. It's the third in the trilogy and it opens with Monsanto doing a drive by shooting and I was like, I'm in. I am all the way in. Yeah, we had to do two to get here, but it was so worth the trip.

Now I also, I have to throw a quick shout out to whoever wrote the amazing synopsis for this movie on IMDB. So here's the actual synopsis as it reads when I, as at the time of this recording, Jackson, who was fat shamed the whole movie is diagnosed with cancer and chooses certain death in parentheses, alternative treatment rather than certified treatment. He goes on a rampage to jeopardize his and his town's health in the name of Allah. That's so good. That's the movie.

It is though. It is the film. Plus Monsanto does a drive-by. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one at being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I mean, for me, it was best worst accents. They plagued me the whole movie. And I guess you guys, you know, are used to it, but this was new for me. So I feel like you guys should release these typed notes that we do in this Google talk

to patrons so they can see my slow descent into madness. It's so bad. The accents were like unhinged in this movie. Yes, it is somehow an old timey accent. For me, it was like somehow deeply Southern and deeply like Midwestern at the same time. Simultaneously, yeah. It's where the Midwest meets the South and his accent is every bit of that.

Yes. Yeah. And I should point out, by the way, Kara, that I tried to publish some of your notes stuff on Facebook and I was told they violated community standards and I had to take that down. That's true. Yeah. It's a real problem. It's fair. That makes sense. Yeah, I believe it.

I'm going to go with best worst doctor. Now, we have a lot of worst doctors to choose from, but this is the best worst doctor, the evil doctor who is the antagonist in this movie, the guy who maliciously treats people's cancer. He's amazing because, like constantly, they're telling him all of their alternative medicine shit. And he's just like all right also fuck you You will to take the goddamn chemo I'm like that's not how a doctor would do it, but that's how I wish a doctor That's how I wish a doctor would do it literally like you're a fucking idiot. Just listen to me. I know what I'm talking about The fact this is why I can't be a science educator the way Kara and Noah are is because this is what I would do

I'd be like hi everybody your can't be a science educator the way Kara and Noah are is because this is what I would do. I'd be like, hi everybody, you're idiots. The fact that you're in this room means you're idiots. Oh, Eli, I wish I was as good at it as you seem to think I am, but I found out this weekend that my that my weed guy is an eclipse denier. And let me just say I was not a great science communicator in that moment. No, you didn't. You didn't. What's an eclipse denier? It's a flat earth thing that he said he could see communicator in that moment. No, you didn't. You didn't. What's an eclipse denier? It's a flat earth thing that he said he could see the moon in the sky during the eclipse.

And it was so fucking nice. If you're giving No Illusions drugs, he's going to give you more leeway than he ever gives anyone else. Oh yeah, I tried. I really tried, but yeah. How about them Patriots? Alright, I'm gonna go with best worst movie. Really?

They say Muhammad Ali, yep, they say Muhammad Ali never fought better than when he fought George Foreman. And I would like to venture that I never pick best worst movies than when I pick for Kara Santa Maria. I'll give you that. I'll give you that. Well, you've certainly outdone yourself this time. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, audience, we've kept you waiting for grams for too long. Damn it. So we're going to keep the break brief when we come back. We'll dive into all the incidental homicide that is

best friends genetically modified. Seriously? Green text again? Hey, Eli. what's the problem? Yeah, what's up man? Oh, nothing Noah. Kara gave me the number of all my colleagues at the Skeptics Guide to the Universe, but my texts aren't going through.

I'm sorry, your colleagues? Coworkers, friends, we don't like labels. Right. And how is Mint Mobile going to help that? Well, after years of fine print contracts and getting ripped off by overpriced wireless providers, if we've learned anything, it's that there's always a catch. So when I heard for a limited time, all Mint Mobile wireless plans are $15 a month. When you purchase a three month plan, I thought, what's the catch?

But after talking to them, it all made sense. There isn't one. Mint Mobile's secret sauce is that they sell wireless service online. They cut out the cost of retail stores and pass those sweet savings directly to you. Plus, all their plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. So Steve is going to start getting my texts again. Eli, I already told you Steve blocked you because you kept sending him pictures of your moles. Don't be silly. Doctors see that stuff all the time. But, Eli, if I sign up for Mint Mobile, will I have to change phones or my phone number?

Nope. You can use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all your existing contacts. So Jay will know I'm the one who's sending him all those great memes. Eli, Jay blocked you because you asked him if Jay was short for Jewish. He told you that. That's not how I remember that conversation going. Anyways, to get this new customer offer and your new three-month unlimited wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to MintMobile.com.com. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at MintMobile.com slash gam

$45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 a month new customers on first three month plan only speed slow above 40 gigabytes on Unlimited plan additional taxes fees and restrictions apply see Mint Mobile for details. All right. Well a good luck, I guess Thanks, I'm gonna go to the roof. See if there's better signal there So did you also block Eli? Oh no, I gave him a fake number the first time we met. Oh smart. Yeah. Oh, it's Evan, isn't my old friend Chip Rosetti.

You wanted to see me? Uh, yeah, Donald, come on in. Oh, well you know, as my mama used to say. What's up? I, I just think that's a thing people say. You know what? It's fine. Donald, I want to talk to you about the script for the third in your best friends series. Oh, yeah. What about it? So I know you draw from your own life experiences when you write, and I love that about you, but I feel like this one, this movie, it might be a little too personal personal well, how so?

well, so on several pages of the script you've just Taken screenshots of a Facebook fight you lost and then Crossed out the words another person typed and then written in your own words like wow That's a great point and man, that was a good argument. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know what they say, nobody's safe around a poet. Right, right. Point is, I think I'm going to pass on producing this one and then you can direct Star Wright

and produce this one yourself. Oh, all right, sure. No problem. Yeah, great, great. But in the movie, you'll say, I'm ever so honored to produce this movie, Donald. Sorry, what? Nothing. Nothing. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up on that great harbinger of hilarity, the Sword of the Spirit production logo. And then we get the credits, which are hilariously silent.

Yep. Oh, yeah. I was confused. I was like, is it? Does something happen? I didn't. I kept kind of like skipping forward and skipping back. Right. To make sure you hadn't fucked something up on your computer or something. Yeah. So I'm sure what happened here is they got like a copyright strike against the music that they chose to use here. Oh, and he just ended up he's like, oh, I bet I just going to have to mute it. But it took me so long to figure that out.

I was like, did he just forget to put in the music? Right. There's no way to know. And the irony is that during the harsh silence, there were a bunch of title cards and you just kind of saw people like mouth flapping in silence. Yeah. But one of the title cards was for the music producer. Right? It was. It is what you see as the sound goes off. mouth flapping in silence. Yeah. But one of the title cards was for the music producer. Right. I thought you said you couldn't.

It was. It is what you see as the sound goes off. Yep. Music by Lanny Lanford. I guess Lanny Lanford was copying off of somebody else's homework or something. Yeah. So, but ultimately we open on Jackson and Tony. This is the best friend from the rest of the trilogy.

And of course, Gramps himself, Donald James Parker. Just chillaxin'. Jackson is finger fucking all the jelly beans to make it really gross if anybody else wants one. So gross. Awful. This is the double dipping with your mouth of hand candy. Yes.

If you have mesophonia, you should just keep it muted for the first scene. Yeah. Because there's so many mouth noises as this guy's eating these jelly beans. Jack, this actor, Royce, whatever his name is, is just, he's 90% mouth noises. He does this in every movie.

He's fucking disgusting and it bothers me so goddamn much. It's really gross. They finally, in this movie, they give him a love interest that also has disgusting mouth noises. Yes, that's how I knew they were feeding. I literally wrote in my notes in her first scene, I was like, their mouth noises match. I feel a connection.

So they're talking about how the two of them didn't go to the anti-Monsanto rally with Donald James Parker's new wife, Julie, who of course we met in the last movie, and Jackson's now ex-girlfriend, Doris, who we also met in the last movie. Who apparently he hates. Fuckin' hates. Like with a burning passion. They instead of the Monsanto rally, by the way, they went to a men's breakfast.

What the? What is that? What? I don't know. I just go to regular breakfasts. I go to coed breakfasts. I know, right? It's a breakfast where to co-ed breakfasts pretty much exclusively. It's a breakfast where a sword swallower guy climbs a pole and then... One of the pastors runs up on stage and has a gay fear about it. That's it. That's the whole thing. That's it. All right.

I hated so much that I knew these characters when they were talking about other characters and I was like, I am familiar with all the people they're speaking about. I was like, what did I do with my life? Oh, wow. Yeah, this was definitely all new to me. One thing that I thought was also strange is that when, OK, so I didn't know their names because I didn't know who they were. So the main guy, DJP, that's Donald J. Parker, his character's name is Tony or Graham.

We will literally only ever call him Donald. Don't worry. I'll call him Graham's here and there or Graham's. I called him Ken Burns with hair dye. Sure. Because that's 100% what he looks like to me. And bug eyes, yeah. Yes. Oh, and yeah, he doesn't blink. He's a robot. Hey, hey, real quick. What did Ken Burns ever do to you, Keri? I've actually met Ken Burns like multiple times, which is kind of a weird name drop.

All he's ever done is make nice long things for me to watch when I'm on drugs. I do love a Ken Burns documentary. He just happens to kind of look like this guy. Okay, so when Ken Burns with hair dye offers beer belly guy jelly beans. No, it's the other way around. Yeah. Yeah. So beer belly guy offers Ken Burns with hair dye jelly beans.

And he goes, no thanks, man. I just had a bar of soap. Oh Oh it's a zinger against jelly beans. I didn't get it. Neither did I. Yeah please. Let me explain. The equivalent of eating a bar of soap is eating those jelly beans. Oh cuz they're like toxic and full of chemicals. So just then as you're thinking, wow, this is really fucking boring, he's like, let me amp this shit up a little bit. He gets a phone call. Donald James Parker does.

And he's on the phone and he's like, oh my goodness! Well, what hospital? And we're like, oh, what happened? He gets off the line and he turns to Jackson and he goes, there was a drive-by shooting at the anti-Monsanto rally. Fuck yeah. Doris was hit.

I think all three of us wrote, I love this movie. And also Noah, can I just say that while you were telling that story, I could hear the excitement in your voice. Oh, I was so happy. I can't wait for the punch line. Normally, DJP's slow rolls and he's diving right into the action this time. So so now, OK, I guess it's after the funeral, right? Because we get Donald James Parker and his wife, Julie. They walk into a living room morosely dressed to mourn. Right.

Oh, my. But this is so funny because they have they have these horrible, ugly, like double-wide, lazy boy things. And look, hey, if you have this in your entertainment room and you have this in your sweet man cave, no judgment, no tea, no shed. But as they lower themselves onto them for this very somber scene, it's so funny. He might as well lower the console that has a charger in it and plug his phone in. Start blasting the Bose bass just like brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Yes, which to be fair, if you lived in a house with Donald James Parker, I would own two of those couches. Yep. It's a weird match. I get that their mouth noises are compatible, but OK, so this is the point where I was like,

OK, this is Ken Burns without hair dye and she I named old Christian Victoria Beckham. OK, sure. So you guys can see this in your head now, right? No, I do see it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And she has this jello be off for a way of talking Like it's it's a very she's not very sure of herself when she speaks And she always looks like she's reading her lines like off of whatever prop she had in this scene She's been quote-unquote crying. She has not and it looks like she's reading her lines off of her snot rag

Yeah, her tissue. Yeah whole time. Yeah, which she may have been doing. Yeah And then we get some of that classic Donald James Parker dialogue. It's so fucking bad She's like I'm sick and tired of funerals and Donald James Parker to comfort her goes Well, you know, we're getting older more people are gonna die. So, you know Get over it He is this whole movie he is a case study and how not to engage with people who are in crisis. Yes, that's true Like he I just need like it when I'm teaching psychology and clinical, you know mental health I just need to bring him with me and be like just don't be this guy

To my galore right here. Yes. He's your final test, everybody. You just do what he doesn't. I also, I love this. At one point she says, apropos of another, she goes, I'm just glad going to the march was Doris's idea. Otherwise I'd feel so guilty. Yes. That's the important thing. No guilt now.

Now let's keep in mind too, by the way, that if you follow this entire trilogy, Doris is Julie's best friend going all the way back to childhood. These two grew up together. And yet this movie makes Doris's death about, wow, I bet this is really going to affect her ex-boyfriend. Right? Right. And also, like, spoiler alert, there are multiple scenes later on where this woman cries hard,

but she doesn't cry in this scene at all. Like, she doesn't really care, does she? No cry in this scene at all. Like she doesn't really care. Does she know? No, she cries over vaccines a hell of a lot more than that Yeah, then I keep in mind like she would have been right next to her friend when she got shot to death I'm very dramatic Jesus so stupid she'd be so fucking traumatized someone eating a non-organic apple. Oh Doris died. Nevermind fucking traumatized. Someone eating a non organic apple. Oh, Doris died.

Nevermind. Yeah. Worst day. So, but yeah, but Julie floats this idea. She's like, Hey, wait a minute. Do you think that Monsanto actually hired someone to murder Doris for, for being against their evil plots? And I laugh for so fucking long.

I was like, Oh my God, please tell me that this is the movie, right? That Donald James Parker is going to try to take down Monsanto for killing his buddy's ex-girlfriend. But no, even within this movie, even within his own script, Donald James Parker's like, no, I would be dumb. That would just be dumb. But Noah, how else would you explain all the alternative dentists and doctors who have died. In bizarre and mysterious ways. In bizarre and mysterious ways. He literally goes, what a head-scratcher.

Uh-huh. Alright, so lest we rush right by this, alternative dentists? Kara, you're a mainstream dentist, right? You guys have seen the documentary about mewing, right? It's a thing. They're alternative dentists. Oh my fucking God. To be clear, we will never hear about any of this again. They're like, what about the string of alternative doctors and dentists that have died in bizarre and mysterious ways? We will never hear about those doctors again.

That's just a throwaway line to Donald and James Parker. It's just an interesting tidbit in their universe. What I love is just the rationale of like, well maybe they thought if you can't beat them, kill them. Yes. Are the words he says. Like Monsanto is that concerned about Doris's big mouths. Yes. And about these doctors and dentists who are not really doctors and dentists, if they are alternative doctors and dentists, prescribing mewing.

So they murdered them? Yes. Yep. That's how it works. Okay. And speaking of Doris's big mouth, then we cut over to Donald James Parker and Jackson chatting about Doris's death and mostly focusing on what a naggy bitch she was all those years.

Yeah, this is when I realized that these guys are real misogynistic and it does not stop throughout the movie. Yeah, I don't remember if it's this scene or later, but he has like a, you know, the thing that most women don't understand is they need to shut the fuck up. Yeah, that's later.

Yeah, I remember that. Yeah, but so days after Doris' demise, Jackson's like, yeah, you know, she was always nagging me to lose weight, not eat junk food so I wouldn't die. And now here she is dead. I guess I win, right? Am I right? He loves his food and his freedom. Yeah.

But you know what? I can't deal with this how he says, Doris. That's rough. That's rough. The whole time. But yeah, but that's the conversation he's having here is that she tried to get onto about what he eats and he loves his food, but more than anything, he likes his good old American red, white and blue freedom to eat whatever I want to eat all the time.

You know? Yeah. That's his point on her death. Yeah, right. But that that reminds Donald, he's been meaning to nag him about the food that he eats and he needs to give up that list of poisons, which includes sugar. Artificial sweeteners. Apparently, sugar is not real.

MSG and white flour. Yeah. And some other three-letter initialisms. Do you know what he calls them? He calls them counterfeit nourishment. It's my favorite. I want that to be my band name. Yeah, everyone knows how useless flour has been to nourishing the general human population. And sugar, which you will literally die if you don't consume. It's one of the three macromolecules that your body needs. You need carbohydrates. Yeah, Donald James Parker explains that microwaves kill all the nutrients in your food and they

create toxins that will kill you. Ugh, you guys. I have a friend who believes this shit. Oh no. Oh, interesting. Yeah. What? When did they hit their head real hard? I know. Was it a car accident? Like they don't have a microwave because they say that it like toxifies your food

or it takes it. It's like they can never choose. Right. So it either takes all the nutrients out. I guess it takes all the nutrients out and then adds toxins in place of the nutrients. Well, right. You got to put the something back in where those nutrients used to be. Or it would just fall apart. Or it would crumple. Yeah, that's how you got to... Exactly.

It inserts the thing. Fall like a souffle. But really, really think about the sheer vast amount of things you have to not understand to say this sentence, kills the nutrients in your food. All of those words are connected to so many incredibly basic childhood concepts that Donald James Parker doesn't understand. Yep. And like to be clear in the plot at this point, Donald James Parker is with Dead Doris and Julie, is that her name? Mm-hmm.

So he's very anti-sugar, I guess. And then the other guy, his friend, is a scientist who loves jelly beans. And actually, throughout the first half of the movie, I'd say, makes legitimate points. Yep. Like they researched and had him verbalize legitimate points about how all of this is nonsense. So that's where we are sort of in the plot. Right. So Donald James Parker is trying to convince his scientist friend to be a tin foil hat wearing science denier. And he's like, no, I'm not going to do that because I'm a scientist and I know things.

Right. But what he's not considering is the juice lady that Donald James Parker hit heard on Sid Roth's show. God is that not a beautiful cornucopia of our products right? Because as he was announcing that he's like well have you heard of Sid Roth and I was like uh-huh and he was like have you heard of it's supernatural and I was like uh-huh and he was like well Sherry Calbom and I was like, oh, he was like well Sherry cow bomb and I was like This is how people must feel when they watch Avengers movies right like Spider-man first swings in that's how I feel When someone talks about Sherry cow bomb the juice lady What's and there's also I have to point out this analogy where Donald James Parker turns to Jackson, he's like, look, you wouldn't put soda in your gas tank of your car, would you?

Yeah, I don't get this at all. And I'm like, I wouldn't put fruit juice and spring water in it either. Those two things I would equally put in my fucking gas tank. Are you suggesting that we drink gasoline, man? Right. That's so stupid. He also listed a bunch of things that we're supposed to eat as God intended, like things that are natural.

And one of the things in the list was sugar beets, which to be fair were first selected for in the 1700s. Yes. Well, God didn't think about it right away. He listed a bunch of modern marvels of science. Right. Like what? Well, and just to make sure Eli was having a great time, Jackson says, well, you know, to paraphrase William Shakespeare.

Oh, God. He does this to eat or not to eat things. Which is so long. I would already be mad if he was like to eat or not to eat. Like, that's a bad one-liner But he does like most of acts two Better to bear the burritos of greater fall So then we cut over to to the Gramps and and Julie they're gonna talk about that lesson

Every scene has to pick up where the last one left off or DJP will get distracted, or like more distracted, right? Oh, yeah. Every scene is just two people talking. It's just on different couches. From the last fucking scene, yeah. Well, he moves about in this one. This one, he's like one character's on a couch and one is standing.

So this is a very different shot here. It's called Misen-sen, Kara. characters on a couch and one is standing. So this is a very different shot here. It's called mise en scene, Kara. So filmmakers like Donald James Parker, they use it to juxtapose their characters. Yes, of course. It's a little advanced. Exactly.

So yeah, but she's like, so how's Jackson dealing with Doris's death? He's like, well, you know, I wouldn't know because I was busy getting onto him about being so fucking fat. Yeah, I know, I wouldn't know because I was busy getting on to him about being so fucking fat Yeah, I mean I always say fat shaming is the best way to comfort somebody That's right out of my clinical playbook. Yes, that's what she used it That was the last thing she would say to a lot of her patients

Coins on their eyes You're kind of fat." -"It is disgusting, this scene." And to be fair, we did skip something in the last scene that is fine because it's a theme throughout, but at one point it was like, people get cancer because they eat cookies. And then he also, like, somehow corrected himself and was like, well, some people get cancer

even if they don't eat cookies. And it was like, yeah, dude, right? Come on. But that is a theme that we will see over and over is like, basically, if you eat cookies, you'll get cancer. Yeah. And in this scene, he tells us that diet soda both makes you fat and gives you cancer. I wrote in my notes. That's a hell of a sentence. Well, here's a great one. This is an actual goddamn line from the movie.

She's asking like, wait, are you fat shamed your grieving friend? He says, well, quote, I challenged him to lay down his appetite as a living sacrifice on the altar of God. Yeah. End quote. Yeah. And real fucking quote. That's what you write on someone's intake form so that they're they understand they have to be like not able to let out on their own

Like no, this is what grandpa said when we drove him here. So I need you to keep them in the Yeah, yeah, and this is where we we do the thing I was talking about in the earlier scene she's like well You know, he didn't want to listen to Doris. And Donald's like, yeah, women are fucking nags. And I wrote in my notes, hi, Kara, thanks for coming on. Yeah, this was rough. And the sad thing is Julie's like, you're right, we are. And so she's like, well, how did you convince him?

And he's like, oh, I challenged his manhood. Yep. That's what he said. This is how I helped my grieving friend deal with the loss of his ex. I fat shamed him and then I challenged his manhood. I want to murder this guy in the face. This guy is so toxic. Is he like this in all of the movies?

Yes. Oh, yes. He's written an entire cinematic universe, the size and length of the Fast and the Furious films, about how smart and correct and great he is. Oh, my God. I just wrote in my notes, in all caps, oh, the misogyny, and that comes up over and over in this movie. It's painful to watch. I was honestly, I was really impressed.

You made it six pages into the notes of a Donald J. Parker movie before you wrote, I want to murder this guy in the face. That was actually, I think that's a new record for you guys. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah. So so Jackson now he's going to show up at Donald James Park's house and sweats one morning. He wants to go to the gym with his buddy, D.J.P.

Right. Right. Because he read to Webber's spirit. Fuck. Yeah, he did. The cover. Did you guys google Spirit Warrior by Stu Weber? No I didn't have to because the dude read the whole book out loud in that scene. Really? Eli, I had a whole fantasy where we had enough time to do another podcast where we just read all the books that Donald James Parker recommends. Did Parker mention? Yep. The cover of Spirit Warrior by Stu Weber has erectile dysfunction and it's your fault. Like the somehow the cover. Nice. Nice. But Donald James Parker explains to Jackson that look, it's great that he's

enthusiastic and wants to work out, but quote, you can't go from being a couch potato to being a workout machine like me overnight. Now we should point out Donald James Parker is built like me, right? This guy weighs a hundred and thirteen fucking pounds He's got little spaghetti arms little spaghetti legs. He's like me Maybe a little less gut that's about it I would say the word I would use and I hate that you just compared him to yourself because now I feel like I'm mean The word I would use to describe him is feeble yes He's like a feeble man what if ET lived on the planet earth for another

hundred years? There you go. That's Donald James Parker. And he's so mean to his friend. He's just so mean. This guy's girlfriend was just shot in the mouth at a Monsanto rally. Yes. And he's like freaking out because he's like, maybe I've actually been living in a really unhealthy way and I need to get fit. And the guy's like, come on, dude, you think you're ever going to be fit like me? You're a fat ass. Why are you even trying? Like he's so mean to him.

Right. But he's been, but Jackson realized that since he's given Jesus his heart, he should give Jesus the rest of his body too. So we, we cut to the gym and of course we have this scene where like, you know, Donald James Parker isn't even breaking a sweat yet, but Jackson is almost dead on the stationary bike. But like, he's going kind of like, Donald James Parker is going kind of slow. All of us could go that speed on a stationary bike through this record and you wouldn't know.

Easily. What's amazing about this movie is like we've seen that trope a million times, right? The fat friend wants to get in shape and I'm so tired and then the thin friends like we just started but Donald James Parker is an old man so the thing that he has just started is like I'm putting on my sneakers and Jackson's like you fucking God of the human form, how does anyone beat up one else? So he says, look, you're not ready for the stationary bike. You go walk on the treadmill.

You have to learn to stationary walk before you can stationary fly, I guess. And I don't get, I don't even get this because I mean, tell me if I'm wrong, walking on a treadmill is harder than going slow on it. Sure is. Because you're on a chair in the back. Right, right. And I love this fucking line. harder than going slow on it. Sure is. Because you're on a chair in the back. Right, right. And I love this fucking line.

He goes, well, you know, no pain, no gain, or in this case, loss. And then like he adds, like Heath bombing a Joke in a Live show, he goes, of weight, loss of weight. Of weight. Just to be clear. Noah, you can't cut this out of the podcast. Of weight. But yeah, but Jackson realized he reminds us he's a scientist.

The first movie, of course, was about him finding God despite being a scientist. And he wants to study health now because he's just now learned about it. Oh yeah, he's a scientist and doesn't understand why exercise is healthy. This is a conundrum for him. He needs some data on why exercise is good and junk food is bad. Well, because he's a scientist. He wants to see the data, damn it. Right, right.

So Donald James Parker says, well, you know, what you need to do is check out natural news dot com and Mike Adams, the health ranger. OK, podcast listener, if you're unaware and Kara, who I know is unaware. No, I know. I 100 percent know about natural news.com. Our example of a fake website to get bad

information is naturalgreenmommy.com, which is me trying not to get sued by naturalnews.com. Also, look, we're going to talk more about Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, and I don't want to blow my load all right now on Mike Adams, but I will say that the first thing that happens when you Google Mike Adams is a paper about the dangers of misinformation. It's his first result, not a Wikipedia page, not his website.

It is a published paper of someone being like, this guy's really fucking up the whole knowing things thing. From an actual scientist that's been peer reviewed. I love it. Well, and then we get this next scene where, like, I guess now Jackson has checked out the health ranger and you're expecting him to just go like, oh yeah, that was really good stuff. But no, because this movie is entirely made up of Facebook arguments that Donald James Parker had and all he changed was the end

where the person actually wins the argument. What Jackson says is, well, I checked out that health ranger guy. Wikipedia has some very damaging information on him. Yep. Yep. This you can you can actually learn some good skepticism by watching this movie. Yeah, right. The first half of the arguments generally work really well. There's this great moment where he says, well, didn't he advocate killing Monsanto scientists? And Donald James Parker does not say no. He says, I didn't read that. Yes. Right. And to be clear, I'm very excited to say this. Mike Adams did in fact very much advocate killing Monsanto scientists. He made a website called the enemies list or whatever the fuck it is. Then he put up a blog that linked to

that website where he said, it is your moral obligation to kill people who are committing crimes against humanity. These are the people committing crimes against humanity. And then when he got in trouble, which hey, Mike, I feel you buddy, we've been there. But when he got in trouble, he said that Monsanto made that website. Yes. To make him look bad. Well, right, and then Donald James Parker's like,

well, how do we know that Monsanto just didn't make all of that up? And we're like, fucking what? And he's like, think about it. If you were Monsanto, isn't that just what you'd do? You would make up stuff about the guy who is telling people that you were evil? And of course, Jackson's like,

yeah, I guess I would do that. Yeah, I would create a website of my own employees and myself and hope that a third party told people to kill them so that I could be mad at them for it. Well, yeah, but this whole thing has a very, like John L. James Parker's objection has a very, look, just because the internet says somebody's crazy and dangerous and a conspiracy theorist asshole who makes boring movies with clunky dialogue doesn't make it true.

Right? Said like a man who our reviews of his movies are the next thing that plays when you Google his movies on YouTube. Exactly. So, okay. So, Grams and Julie rake and... To be clear, you mean like use a garden tool there raking inside. I was really confused by even their...

This late in the movie, which by the way is painfully early in the movie. We're 14 seconds into this film. Podcast listener, buckle in. I was very confused by their relationship, right? Because I am not up to speed on the universe of these films. Donald James Parker verse. Yes. Yes. So I am watching these two people. And at first I was like, if you squint, she looks like half his age.

But then, you know, you open your eyes and you're like, OK, I think they're together, like they're married or they're dating. They are married. OK, they're married. So why is she referring to their kid as my youngest daughter? So they got married in the last movie at like at a very late age. They've only been married for like a year. So yeah, in this movie. And their marriage almost didn't work out Kara because he had a fling before her

and they needed to make sure he didn't have AIDS as a result. And then they thought he did have AIDS, but she decided to marry him and get AIDS with him. She was going to get his AIDS. We're not making this up. We're saying things that happen. Wow.

Okay. So yeah, so they're raking and the wife of this man is saying, my youngest daughter is coming to visit and he's like, how old is she? Who is she again? It's very confusing. You would have thought he'd be familiar with, or maybe would have been at the wedding or something. But yeah, but she's bringing her baby into town to get vaccinated. So they, they sit there and commiserate about how dangerous vaccines are, at least in the way

that they're administered today. Right, she keeps saying modern vaccines. Like there's such thing as an ancient vaccine. Like all vaccines are modern vaccines. Vaccines from days of yore. She explains, she's like, well, you know, I read on the Internet that they could give monkeys autism with vaccines. Yeah.

And that's usually their citations are I saw it on YouTube or I read it on the Internet. Yeah. So then we this movie is going to pass the Bechdel test, right? We meet vaccine Vixen herself. She's going to talk with Julie about the dangers of vaccines while the baby sleeps in the other room. She has this amazing moment. She says, so you're going to the doctor later. And she also says, I love this so much. And I thought, cause listeners reach out to us like, I have an anti-science mom, I

have an anti-science dad. We get a lot of that stuff during Volcarity for Charity. And she says this sentence, which I'm sure so many of our listeners have heard. Did you read any of those links I sent you? Yes. Well, and the granddaughter here actually makes a bunch of really good points. She seems fairly well informed. She's like, well, you know, there's mercury in them.

And she's like, actually, they took all that shit out. But to be fair, we can't have a woman be making good points. So instead of her making the point, she's like, well, my hubby told me. Because he knows all the smarts. As he was ejaculating on his timeline, which is fine. He informed me that there's no mercury in vaccines anymore. And I want to say, when she debunks everything mom says, this fucking rules.

This is the most honest I've ever seen a Christian movie be. She goes, I know you just disprove what I said, but I'm still sad. Yeah. Oh yeah. And then she, cause she does the whole bullshit, like the anti-vaxxers who don't want to be labeled anti-vaxxers. So they're like, no, I still approve of vaccines.

They just used to be more spaced out and we used to give them, it's like, yeah, dude, we're more efficient now because, and now you're, there are more vaccines. Now your baby's not going to get- Yeah, some of them weren't invented, grandma. Yeah. Your baby's not going to get chicken pox or HPV now. That's a good thing. That's pretty awesome.

I had chicken pox. That sucked. Yeah. Yeah, we all did. Yeah. So and the granddaughters finally is like, can this scene be over? And she's like, yes, this scene could be over. Okay.

I do want to, I know we have to move on. I know this movie is 97 hours long, but I do have to point out that if you actually thought your grandchild was going to be Injected with poison and someone said can we talk about something else and you said, okay You're a massive piece of shit to be fair. She was very dramatic with that If you thought that was dramatic, wait until this next scene. We cut to her just openly weeping so much more than she did for her dead best friend. Yes.

About all the poisons they're going to shoot into her grandbaby, right? So Donald James Parker comes in to comfort her. And there's actually this weird moment of self-awareness where he goes like well What if we were wrong? Here yeah, they do that a few times in the film Which is kind of weird and they also do the thing that they keep doing where they make a bunch of legitimate Scientific arguments and then they're like what spin is that? is that. Yeah, exactly. Dumbasses who says that. I love this data she whips out because again, they have to retreat back from vaccines don't work or vaccines kill you to vaccines aren't

totally successful. I wrote in my notes, that's the standard 100% efficacy. This is the quote she pulls out. She says, I tried to explain to her that 90% of the kids who die from the flu aren't vaccinated, but what about the other two? Yes! Yes! And then he goes, he says, well, it's unfolding just as the Bible predicted. I'm like, is it that part of the Bible about the vaccines turned out to be right? And autism.

Yeah. I do remember that's in Jacob, right? Where he says, and I will let them inject babies with autism for stuff and reasons. And then this is my most, okay, there are a lot of scenes in this film that make, that give me the ick. Like this film has a lot of ick in it. And I think this one is the worst one. She literally turns to him in her Jell-O-B-O-F-R voice and she says, will you hold me and sing

it to me while you hold me? And I'm like, what? Will you hold me and sing to me and remind me that most kids who get vaccines are okay is her request. And by the way, he does not sing to her. I was I was really excited for Donald James to sing for us. So, OK, so then we cut to Jackson. He's sitting he's in the doctor's office and there's this lady right next to him

who's like visibly weeping. And we just sit there for so long watching her cry. Eventually he leans over and he's like, hey, what's with all of the emoting here? Can you imagine being in the waiting room of a doctor's office where you should have some amount of HIPAA protection and some random man coming up to you

and being like, you want to tell me what's wrong? Yeah. So I can pray for you? It's a man who is hitting on you, right? Like they like that wants to date you. Yeah. It's so gross. The scene is so gross. Yeah. You just can't approach women at all anymore. OK, Kara. How are people supposed to meet each other?

So, yeah, your feminist standards are insane. Kara, you hear yourself? He says at this point, he's like, do you know what's wrong? Is there anything I can help you with? And she are insane, Karen. You hear yourself? He says at this point, he's like, what's wrong? Is there anything I can help you with? And she's like, no. And then he's like, I will continue to bother you. And she's like, I will in that case.

I am still talking. Yeah, and this happens multiple times throughout the film with multiple groupings of men and women. Like Donald James Parker must read the game or something. And he's trying to like utilize those tricks in his script. Just keep at it. You'll wear her down eventually. This is also where we meet Nathan, my favorite character I think in all of cinema and literature. This child was given six lines for the movie and he was going to scream 100% of them.

In the deepest southern accent you can imagine. So they'll be like, well, what's going on with Nathan? Well, Nathan's having a hard time in school. I don't like Riff McTiff. Yes. Yeah, so I was thinking maybe we'd get some dinner later. Cherry pie.

No one will, and every actor, because again, one take, every actor starts when Nathan talks because he is screaming. It's the fucking best. Yes. Yes. And in this scene, this is where he's like, so what is going on? And she's like, he's got leukemia. And he goes, I don't want to take the chemo.

Yes. And of course, we all wrote in our notes like, oh oh god, they're going to talk about the chemo, aren't they? And yes, they are. That will be the plot of the movie from this point on, more or less, sometimes, when it remembers. Yeah. And then this is when she explains that, you know, in the US these days, sometimes they'll

take a kid away just for killing them with cancer. Right, right. Yeah. Her whole big thing is she's like, I don't want to get him the chemo for his cancer and they're gonna, they're threatening to take away custody of my grandkid now because I'm refusing him medical treatment. Right. And this is real, by the way. This is based on a real story, the thing they're talking about. There's a girl in Connecticut who was 17 who had Hodgkin's fucking lymphoma, which has like a 90% chemo success rate. And her stupid fucking stupid stupid fucking family convinced her not to get chemo, but

she wasn't an adult. So the cops, who I'm sure fucking loved spending their time this way, had to strap this kid down and give her chemo and they cured her fucking cancer but then she was an adult she was an adult and she was like oh I don't want chemo anymore and guess what happened you'll never fucking guess her cancer came back and she got really really really really really sick and then she was like oh never mind I want the chem, but it was too fucking late and she fucking died. Yep, yep. Cause Marika. Is the story.

Marika. Yeah. That's the sympathetic story we're supposed to be relating to at this point in the movie. Right, well, and the whole time she's telling this story, he's going like, in the US of A, in the land of the free and the home of the brain. He literally says the land of the free though.

He does. Yes. And then don't they say something about mercy killing? What was that point? She goes, she goes, it's amazing. The government wants to force mercy killing on one group of people. What? Now it's what she's talking about.

Is she talking about abortion? She's talking about euthanasia, right? She's talking about like the push to like, for death with... She's talking about you, Kara. She's talking about you. She's talking about medical aid and dying? Yes, yes.

Euthanasia is not legal in the US, but we have medical aid and dying in like 11 jurisdictions. Or as she calls it, murder. Yes, forced mercy killing. What the... Oh, this is making me even more angry. And then they're talking about Nathan like he's not there. This scene, this was the... Okay, just everything about this movie is antithetical to everything that I do in my

work and like stand for. So it's like... Everyone has their teeth in their head. It's a whole thing. Stub it. Stub it. But it is infuriating. And at this point, she does that thing that makes me crazy when parents do this. She starts talking about Nathan as if he's not even there.

Like she's talking in the third person about, I think he's her grandson, right? And she's talking about him as if he's not even there to Jackson. And she says, most people with leukemia die regardless if they take the chemo. Yeah, fucking what? Which is not true. Why on the young tree? And can you imagine saying that in front of your like 10 year old grandson who just found out he has leukemia? Right and of course Nathan's response is, it's my body! I don't want no tater salad! I hate to argue with you, Kara, but there is a really strong ontological argument to be made that Nathan isn't technically there.

I don't want to go all Peter Singer on you or anything. Well, there's also this great moment, Jackson gets called back to the doctor or whatever and then the lady asks about him. She asks the receptionist, hey, you know, do you know anything about him? And she's like, oh yeah, no, I vouch for him. He's good people. Yeah, she's like, I'm going to violate HIPAA. You want to see his chart? Oh yeah, I'm going to violate his shit. You can see his chart if you want. Look at his resting heart rate fat piece of shit. All right, well, we've been wandering in the dark for a while, but to the extent that this movie is

going to settle on a plot, this is it. So we're going to give ourselves a quick break before we get back to all the murdering cancer kids with their stupid, that is, best friends genetically modified. Uh, what about making your own coffee? I do that every day. Man. Hey guys, what's up? Well, we're trying to help Eli save some money.

Yeah, I've tried everything, Kara. I gave up avocado toast. I make my coffee at home. Nothing's helping. Guys, giving up little treats is just a way for people to blame you for capitalism. If you really want to save money, you should check your subscriptions with Rocket Money. What's Rocket Money? Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions,

monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills so that you can grow your savings. Lower my bills? How do they do that? Yeah. Well, Rocket Money will try to negotiate lower bills for you by up to 20%. All you've got to do is submit a picture of your bill and Rocket Money takes care of the rest. They'll deal with customer service for you.

Wow. So no waiting on hold? No waiting on hold. Rocket Money has over five million users and has saved a total of $500 million in cancelled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's features. Alright, Kara, I'm sold. Where do we sign up? Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash awfulmovies.

That's rocketmoney.com slash awfulmovies. Rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. Rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. Thanks Kara. But Eli, I saw you eating avocado toast this morning. Oh no, that was just cream cheese that I had found in the garbage. Gross. It was, yes. And stopping my record. Do you guys want to go right into the next segment?

Actually, I did a quick bathroom break. Do you guys mind? Yeah, no problem. Man, it's amazing how right Donald James Parker is about our secret diabolical plans, right? I was just thinking that. He's nailing it. I almost feel bad pretending he's wrong and crazy for our shows. Almost. Exactly. Oh, I meant to ask you, are you going to the Adrenochrome orgy tonight? I hear the blood fat is working again.

I know, but I'm going to a gang stalk tonight. Oh, well, that's fun. That's good exercise, right? Yeah, yeah. I'm on skylight duty. Oh, that's the worst because you just got to peek through. All right. I'm back.

I'm back, guys. Are you ready to record? Yeah, just let me restart my oh Left Zen castor running. Oh, yeah, don't forget to delete that we'd hate for Donald James Parker to get his hands on this Can you imagine? I'm secretly a lizard. Yeah, you are And we're back for more of this shit we're to rejoin the action with Jackson learning that he too has cancer. Yeah, I saw that coming. Yeah. Yeah.

So the doctor says, yeah, it turns out you have cancer of the leg. I have to do surgery tomorrow. Tomorrow, we're going to do surgery. I, the doctor who diagnosed this, I'm going to do surgery on you tomorrow. Yeah. And this doctor, is he a PCP and an oncologist and a surgeon? Yes. PCP college is surgeon.

Very small town. Yeah. Right. Right. He's like, and then we're going to do chemo and then we're going to do radiation. I'm like, so you don't have high hopes for this surgery? Yeah, of course. And Jackson responds, yes, that's always how you do it, don't you? First you cut, then you burn and poison.

And I love it! The doctor's response is like, I mean, nope, not whatever you just said. Yeah, I think the doctor literally goes, huh, where do you come up with this? Yes, right, right. He's like, I want to check my options and the doctor's like, you will not check your fucking options. And Jackson's like, I've read that all of this stuff is just delaying death. And I was like, isn't life just delayed? Wait, that's the whole point man. You nailed him. Got him Jackson. Delaying death is the whole, that's what treatment is.

Did you think you would be immortal after chemo? Like what? No, I looked it up, guys. A hundred percent of the people who get chemo die. Yeah, no, right. A hundred percent. Right. Yeah. And he's like, he's like, you know, and the people who get chemo, they suffer and I'm like, they have cancer. Like suffering is just going to happen.

Well, and that's yeah, that is the that's an important yeah, but this guy does not have metastatic bone cancer He has one tumor in his leg, right? Yeah, like This is this yeah, they don't understand cancer in this film at all And he's he's gonna hit us with the can I ask you a question doctor? Would you get chemo and of course the doctors like you got me we know it's fake. That's why doctors don't get chemo? And of course the doctors like you got me. We know it's fake. That's why doctors don't get chemo. He goes the doctor says to him look I consider you a very intelligent man And I'm like really cuz he's refusing cancer treatment on account of the research he did on the YouTube's Are you sure? Have you seen him try to fish a jelly bean out of a bowl? I feel like that would change your opinion.

Yeah, but he tells him like I saw a study that 80% of doctors wouldn't take chemo. And I was like, what is this study? Please tell me. And then of course, Eli, you found what you think they're referring to. I found what I think they're referring to, which is that they did a study where not anywhere close to 80% of the respondents said that they would forgo aggressive treatment for themselves during end of life care. Yes. Yeah.

Which is very different. Which is very different than I won't have chemo ever. I love to. Oh, my favorite is when he's like, can I ask you a question? Do you get paid for prescribing chemo? And the doctor says, that's privileged. No, it is! What the fuck are you talking about?

My favorite of all Jackson's gotchas though is when he goes, what about supplements? Do you even prescribe supplements to boost my immune system? And he's like, no, I don't. Because that's not a thing. And Jackson's like, gotcha. I gotcha right there. Yeah. He says the thing that I have heard a lot of LA people who have these types of thoughts say.

Did you spend any time on nutrition in medical school? Yeah, right. Like, okay, first of all, all oncologists recommend nutritional support during cancer treatment. Like, the place that I work, in the hospital where I work, I'm in a unit that supports oncology, right? We're in the cancer center, but you've got oncology over here. And then you've got this unit that I work in that's psychiatry, psychology, nutrition, palliative care, chaplaincy, dentistry, rehab medicine, no dentistry, because I'm not a dentist.

Just do it for the love of it. And we support oncology. So like the patients are getting referrals to Dietitians. Yes, of course. This is normal. This isn't a mainstream hospital Yeah, imagine how awful a system it would be if they were like hey We know that you're gonna spend your whole career on oncology and we you should be studying that but we want you get a little taste of the OBGYN They do that but that's the other thing that's annoying like you don't specialize until later So in med school you do learn all of this stuff. You learn a little bit about nutrition

You learn a bit about nutrition, right? But of course, this is Donald James Parker's fucking mind that this is all being pulled out of. So instead of that, he says, did you spend any time on nutrition in medical school? And the doctor goes, I'm going to have to parachute, you know? And then Jackson gets up like he's going to storm out and he's like, I would like to quote Hippocrates. And I'm like, yeah, because that's where all the best medical advice comes from. Hippocrates, who I think we can all agree was not wrong about anything. Kara, how is your bile, by the way?

I keep needing to ask you as a friend. You mean yellow bile or black bile? Come on, man. That's the question. Well, you know, you never ask a woman about her yellow or black bile. You let her volunteer. Do not talk about my humors. Leave my humors out of this.

So yeah, but that'll teach that doctor in his cancer cure bullshit. Yeah, he says walking is the best, is man's best medicine. He's going to cure his leg cancer by walking. This is homeopathic. And to be fair, at the time Hippocrates was working, pretty close to the best they had. So then, okay, so it's the next day, we're at the gym. Donald James Parker is, like, they're trying to do the scene where Donald James Parker is lifting way heavier weights.

Oh, the way that they're lifting. The curl technique is terrifying. This is another huge ick. This whole scene is such huge ick. This whole scene is such an ick. I am the last person who can criticize anyone's weightlifting technique, but it turns out I'm the second to last person because Donald James Parker is rolling this fucking dumbbell around his body like he's trying to do the dance of the seven veils with him. So he's lifting these, he's doing arm curls. The arm curl with his right hand starts in his left toe, right? His whole body flings that thing up.

It goes up six inches and then it flies back down. And in order to do this, because Gramps can't lift a lot of weight, he's probably near 70 years old or whatever, right? He's pretending that he was in NOM, so he must be 70 years old. And so, like, he can't lift much weight. So in order to make this work, they've got to give Jackson these tiny little dumbbells that look like a dollhouse dumbbell. He might as well be holding them with his middle finger and his thumb or something. And the music in the background during this conversation about Jackson having cancer is

in the background during this conversation about Jackson having cancer is Christmas sneaking? Yeah. Boom, boom, boom, boom. It was cartoon music. So fucking funny. So yeah, he tells his best friend that he's got cancer and he's like, well, you know, that's what you get for all them jelly beans. He's like, not at the time. He's like, exactly the fucking time.

The time now. Yeah, he literally is shaming him for being upset that he has cancer and tells him to laugh it off. Yep. Like the guy's like, maybe don't crack jokes right now while I'm telling you you have cancer. And he's like, what, you want me to change? This is how we've always been. Yes. You should just laugh.

You shouldn't have made me come so fast. I mean, whatever. He says, you're going to need a sense of humor to fight cancer. And I'm like, dude, that's for the that's if Jackson's making cancer jokes. That's when that works. You don't get to decide that. Right. Again, case study in what not to do when you're trying to support somebody. But he is going to refer him to his alternative medicine doctor. Dr. Sally Tingle. I'm sorry, what was that last name again?

Sally Tingle. Why? Why? I'm sorry, what was that last name again? Sally Tingle. Why? Why? Here's the only possibility. Okay. The person who plays Dr. Sally Tingle in this movie is Dr. Sally Tingle. And she was like, this is, I don't know this for a fact, this must be the case.

And she was like, oh, we can just use my real name. And they were like, oh, you don't want a different name for the movie? And she was like, we can just use my real name and they were like oh you don't want a different name for the movie and she was like no why what's wrong with my name and they were like oh it's not a specific porn it's normal it's a normal name so then we had of course jackson's reaction is sally tingle well that like a lady. I've never been to a lady doctor. Oh, it's so bad. Oh, the misogyny. He literally says lady doctor.

They spend four minutes being like, look, I get it because like, what if she has her period? She's probably going to misdiagnose you. Great point. But they are almost as good a doctoring as men are. And do not worry, we will set up someone to fuck her in this movie. Yeah, literally he's like, he's really reticent, right? He's like, I don't know about a lady doctor. I don't believe that she, her lady brain can do this.

And he's like, yeah, but she's hot. And he's like, oh, you didn't mention she's hot. And she's single. She's too young for you, but she's attractive and single. He's like, oh, okay. And my notes just say, hi, Kara. Hi, Kara. Thanks for coming on the show.

Thanks for coming on the show. I know. I couldn't even diagram it. All of your notes are really good about diagramming how the conversation went and mine just say, this is disgusting. This is disgusting. That's all I got. So okay. So, okay.

So, so Donald James Parker gets home. He learns that Julia just got off the phone with her daughter. Turns out the baby hasn't been vaccine murdered yet. Yet. Amazing. And oh, I also discovered at this point we're not even halfway through the movie. We sure aren't. We sure aren't.

Somebody bring the mood down. Why don't you? Yeah. So, but we learned that we will never hear about Vaccine Baby again, right? We're done with that character. I don't know if he's setting the shit up for the sequel or if he just lost track of that. But she's like, she's like, what's wrong? I can tell on your, from the look on your face that something's wrong.

And he says, well, I just learned that Jackson has cancer. Right? Well, I just learned that Jackson has cancer, right? And I guess he says it's going to be fine because the cancer challenged Jackson's manhood. Yep. And therefore he can beat it. Mm hmm. To which Julie says, this is a lie that Donald James Parker wrote for this woman to say to him and paid her to say to him, you men really are something, aren't you?

Yeah! Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh god. So then they talk about how Monsanto is evil some more. Yeah. What does she say? The cure for cancer could be so easy and painless and cheap.

What's she referring to? Apples? Apple? Coffee animals? I thought maybe prayer? Yeah, sure, that too. Sure. Sure.

But we've studied all of that, you fucking idiot. None of that helps. At one point, he calls the people at Monsanto predators, and I wrote in my notes, crazy billionaire money, DJP verse verse versus predator, right? Where's that crossover? Right. But they realized the two of them that they need to save people from chemotherapy is what they should dedicate their lives to. So this movie is so fucking dangerous.

The sad thing is, did you look at the like comments on the YouTube? I mean, granted, the first comment is amazing. I don't know if you guys saw it. No, I missed them. No, I just... I took a screen grab. Let me find it. Does screen grab make me sound old?

What are the kids saying? I don't know. A riz? A screen riz? I don't know. Well, the first comment says, I was held captive in a basement and forced to watch this movie. I had to chew off my legs to turn off the TV. I appreciated that.

But if you then scroll, there are like quite a few people that are like, you know, thank you for sharing the truth with us. And from Deborah Carrabba, 1656. It's true. There is kind of one lady. Yeah. There's a few more. She talks a lady. Yeah, there's a few. There's a few more. She talks a lot. Yeah, it's so dangerous.

Oh, it's so dangerous. Yeah. No, the fact that these movies exist is terrifying. The fact that there are people that watch them for purposes other than ours is all the more terrifying. Yeah. Yeah. So OK, so now we're going to get

Jackson going to see the lady doctor, not a doctor. Dr. Tingle. Dr. Tingle. Dr. Sally Tingle to you. We respect women on this podcast. So, yeah. So then the but the first thing she wants to talk about is diet because she doesn't actually have a license to do medicine. Right. Because she's an alternative doctor in quotes. Right. Yeah, exactly. But she explains that sugar feeds cancer.

And then in the same sentence says, eat fruits and vegetables. A lot of fruits, all the fruits and vegetables you can. She says, cut all sugar from your diet. And then she says, eat fruits and vegetables. I don't think she knows what sugar is. Nope. Yeah. Or fruit.

Clearly not. Because that is the, sugar is what vegetables and fruits are made of. They are only sugar. There's, you know, I don't know if there's any protein content, but if there is, it's really low and there's no fats. Those are the three things. There's fat, sugar and protein. They are made of sugar.

She explains that your immune system is going to fight the cancer. And again, I wrote in my notes for the how manyth time. Imagine how little you have to know to think that's how it works. Right. Yeah, that you can boost your immune system to fight your cancer. And he's like, oh, so I should get some supplements. And she says, yeah, but don't trust those drugstore supplements. Sometimes those aren't reliable.

Order from the internet where things are more trustworthy. Right, right. And let me give you a handful of URLs that she literally reads out loud. It's so... She might as well say use promo code DonaldJabbs. Yes, I was going to say she's going to point us to the bottom left corner for a link to her TikTok shop. Yeah. Oh, oh, and then my favorite to deep breathe. Yes. She's like, also, you're going to want to breathe a lot, like pretty much all the time. Yeah, she's like, oxygen might kill cancer. We don't really know, but you should probably breathe really deep.

Yeah, even if it doesn't. Because then you'll get more oxygen to your cancer. You got to breathe all the way into the leg to get the oxygen. And they have this moment that's so close to the truth towards the end of the scene. He's like, you know, you selling me these vitamins and telling me that I can just eat a carrot and it'll cure my cancer. It makes me feel so much more in control, you know? And I was like, oh, you're so close.

You're so close. There's just a hovering copy of Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Life behind it. And then literally she's like, so make sure you do it because if you don't and you fail and you die, it's your fault. Your fault. Yep. You didn't anti-cancer well enough. And then there's, she actually says, you know, there's one other thing I'd like to prescribe.

Check out YouTube. Yeah. She prescribed him YouTube. She totally did. Ted Brower and William Sears. Yes, she gives him a couple of good videos on YouTube to check out so he'll know more about his health.

Oh my god. Most of those guys are on Rumble by the way. If you really want to see their deep cuts you gotta get over to Rumble. I don't even know what that is. What is that? Oh, you know what Rumble is, Kara. Kara's where our... That's where our good movies are.

Oh, really? It's where the movies that unit live. Oh, no, Pure Flicks is some pretty tame shit. They don't even have James Parker stuff. Rumble's the one who'll tell you about the Jews. Yeah, right, exactly. Oh, my God. So then you're like,

oh, well, I hope this next scene isn't just random and completely unrelated to anything we've been talking about at this point. And then Gramps leads into the room to where his wife is and he's like, Hey, there's a town meeting about taking the fluoride out of the drinking water. You want to come? Yes. The opening line of this scene might as well be end another thing. And again, because we need our anti-Beckdel test, she says, okay, but will you do all

the talking? You're just so much smarter than I am. I might embarrass myself while we go full Doctor Strange love. My labia majora might shunt up into my brainstem and make it impossible for me to talk. So okay, so then we cut to this town meeting about fluoride and they're like, okay, so we're going to let everybody talk about fluoride. First up, the doctor that diagnosed Jackson with cancer, right? So he's the oncologist, he's the surgeon, he's the general practitioner, and he's the

fluoride expert of the town. Town fluoride expert, yes. And he says weird things like, I'm a doctor. I've been around science all my life. My whole life. Yeah, this is what they do. What does that mean? Give them a stethoscope instead of a rattle.

That's how you prepare them. Right. Yeah. And he's like, yeah, well, so you should, what you should do is you should let people trained to take care of your health, take care of your health. And then everyone in the audience is like, rebel, rebel. By the way, why did he's up there? Dr. Tingle got to go up with him.

I know. And she's just standing there like accompany him disapprovingly listening. Right. She's like shaking her head from the on deck circle or some weird shit. Yeah. And it's like in an effort, literally the guy who wrote this movie is trying to make quote big science look bad by citing a bunch of legitimate arguments and evidence. Yes. It's the weirdest scene ever. And the way that they make it look bad is that they make the doctor a dick.

Right. Exactly. He's like saying legitimate things, but he's a dick about it. He's not saying I'm nice enough, damn it. Yeah, right. He thinks he's above us and better than us. That Sally Tingle says I'm real nice with her purty mouth. That's how you know. Well, right. Yeah, because Dr.

Tingle comes up next and she tells us that fluoride is a toxic waste product. Oh, my God. She just goes down the whole fucking stupid list. And what's amazing is like, you know, we all know all of these stupid anti fluoride arguments because we've immersed ourselves in this shit for some fucking reason. But like, imagine somebody who just doesn't know all of this stuff. He's trying to throw in like 13 different bullet points of bullshit anti fluoride arguments in one goddamn breath. It's a lot. Yeah. And they're all very cherry

picked. You know, it's the whole thing. Just lies. Yeah. Like one guy somewhere said that fluoride causes bone cancer. Yeah. Like, don't worry about all the literature that debunks that. Let's only talk about the one guy who said it. And oh, my favorite is at one point at the end, the argument was about like, why are we putting fluoride in the water when we could be putting vitamins and minerals in the water? And literally they're like, there are no minerals in tap water. And I'm like, what? There are a shitload of minerals in tap water. How come, kid, thank you for finally saying it, how come they don't make the water chalky milk?

If they can make the water something, they should make it chalky milk. Everybody likes chalky milk. That's stupid. Then everyone would have a chalky milk fountain in their house. You could shit in a chalky milk and take a shower in chalky milk. Everybody loves chalky milk. Wasting money. Can we just reinforce? I just feel like I need to be very clear here.

Your tap water is full of minerals. Yes, obviously. And any mineral that they said, if they said, well, you know, we want to add this mineral to your tap water, you fucking idiots would freak out about it. You'd be like, it's a poison, I can't eat rocks. Yeah, right.

At one point she says, Julie takes the mic, and she says that 98% of the European Union has removed fluoride from their water, which is not true. But also like, so are you saying you want to be more like the EU? Is that what you're saying, guys? Right. That sounds very liberal of you. So I went down to rabbit hole trying to find this and the pseudoscience point I can find

is that there are fluoridization curtailings which means that like if a mountain has too much fluoride countries will sometimes be like well let's not let that get into the water. Right, right because we don't actually want to poison you because anything in too great a concentration can be dangerous. Yeah exactly because it's not what anyone's fucking doing yeah.. Yeah. And then Donald James Parker comes in with this fucking, this fucking baller of a quote. And again, we've watched a lot of anti-fluoride bullshit, but nothing as beautiful as this quote. Quote, if Florida Jason was a Facebook user, its relationship status would be it's complicated. So dumb.

What? So good. And also like, I kind of agree with that, but that's not the point you've been making this whole time. No, definitely not. You've been making the point that it's not complicated. Yeah, that it's toxic fucking waste. Yes, exactly.

Yeah, no matter what in whatever quantity. And it is true, fluoridation is super complicated across the globe. But like, that's not your argument, idiot. No one on your side has the solution. Here's the good news. It's a complicated issue, but no one in this meeting is going to figure this bad boy out. Right, right. Yeah.

But he explains that you have to listen to all the science, even the wrong science. And then we get the crowd. It's all fine. Everybody's filing out. When Jackson runs into Cancer Kids' grandma Kate from the doctor's office earlier, right? Turns out she's anti-fluoride as well. She's been fighting the good fight against fluoride for a generation.

And she's like, he's like, well, you know, how's your cancer grandkid? And she's like, well, you know, die into cancer on purpose at this point. Loud, real loud. She says, well, you know, I only have one week to give him medicine or they're going to take him away from me. Right.

And Jackson's like, well, in that case, let me introduce you to Dr. Tingle. Yeah. And Dr. Tingle will see her for free. Oh yeah. Cause she's not doing anything. She can't charge her cause she's got l anything. Because she can't charge her, because she's unlicensed.

Because she cares about the truth, right? And then they have this great moment where she's like, wow, why would you do that? She's like, I care so much about the truth. She says, you know, things that were dismissed, some things that were proven false, eventually ended up being true. And I wrote in my notes, by definition, no. Right. Yeah, right.

But basically the argument, even if you take it out of her stupid phrasing, is that sometimes we learn new things. Therefore, maybe one of those things will be that I'm right. They bank so much on that fucking argument. Yep. Jesus. And then she says that margarine was one of the biggest doctors embracing margarine was one of the biggest doctors embracing margerine was one of the biggest medical blunders in history not just one of she says it is the oh yeah

the yeah apparently it was more dangerous than lobotomies or blood letting like non-consensual sterilization worse than March I think you don't know how mouthy that JFK cousin was. Okay, Kara. That was she was a real problem So then okay three old people get how offensive that joke is and I fucking love it Everyone else. I don't know. He's probably saying somewhere and two 90 year olds are like that fucking sucked Eli you suck So, okay So then we get a scene of gramps and Julie talking about the meeting, right? Like this is, I love the way that this worked out because the scene starts with

her going, I felt weird last night and him going, what do you mean? And then I got a commercial break. Oh yeah, there were so many good breaks. My favorite is that his approach to filmmaking is, say it, show it, say it. Yeah, right. It's like the exact opposite of what you're supposed to do. Yeah, exactly. No, yeah, right. Because they're sitting around talking about the last scene,

and she's talking about how dumb she felt, you know, trying to lecture people on things that she didn't know anything about that she didn't find on fucking YouTube. Oh, yeah, and here's another one of those, but what if we're wrong moments, where it becomes lucid for a moment, and then it's like, we've got to shut that shit down.

Right, because she even points out, she's like, you know, we tell people to do their own research, but we didn't actually do any research. Yeah. And then he goes, well, I doubt scientists ever wonder if they're wrong. Well, no, they do all the time. That's what science is. That's the whole thing. That's what science is. How do I make this wrong? I'm going to try and force this to be wrong. Well, and then he says, well, you know, the people we're arguing with

didn't do any research either. And I'm like, but you're arguing with the people that did the research specifically. Those are the ones you're going after. They did though, Donald. They did. It's not the same. Obviously they did. That's what the research is. And he actually uses this phrase. This is my favorite. We have to speak out for what we perceive is the truth. Yep. Wow. Right. Well, there's this huge admission here where he basically says, well,

you know, we could just do what we want with our time now that we're retired, but this crusade against a made up enemy gives my life purpose and meaning and I feel better. Yes. Yes. And truth is perceptual. He says it keeps us fresh and vibrant. And I was like, Hey, some people just play tennis, man. And then they start talking about their love and it's just really grossing me out.

So I like, I think this might be the point where I switched it over to 1.25. Yeah. Well, you know, can we talk about the hard cut? Oh, so Donald is talking, he's like, maybe they're evil. And then there's a hard cut, which we never see in a Donald James Parker movie. How much actual mentioning of the Jews by name do you think Donald had to do? That it got removed from a fucking Donald James Parker movie? Yeah, I was just reflecting it

because he's like, you know, well, if we did what we want all the time, our lives would be boring. And I'm like, just we'll want more interesting shit then, man. Right. Right. Jesus. Eat ass, Donald. Right. Exactly.

Eat a little bit of ass, my man. There's so many other activities. One time and you'll change your mind. Yeah. All right. Well, clearly they're fortified. So it's only fair that we get a break to catch up. But first, let me give Act three, the hard sell. Does Donald James Parker wear a mouth guard to keep from swallowing spiders at night? Did he only start stepping on sidewalk cracks after his mother passed? Does he just think Santa has been really mad at him all these years? But now the answer is to something, I guess, when we return for the mindlessly

plotting conclusion of best friends genetically modified. Diamonds? She's not even going to notice them. Flowers? Please. Hey, guys, you ready to record the second half of the show? Yeah, sure. We're never going to solve this problem anyways. What problem?

Well, Eli's trying to figure out what to get his mom for Mother's Day, but he already got her an Aura frame. Right, so it's pretty much impossible. Wait, what's an Aura frame? It's the digital picture frame every mom is dying for. It's got unlimited storage and easy to use app. You can even keep adding photos to it. So there's always new ones on the frame.

Oh, I can see why she'd like that. She loves it. You can even set it up so it works right out of the box. All she has to do is plug it in. And what's worse right now, Aura has a great deal for Mother's Day. Listeners can save on the perfect gift by visiting AuraFrames.com to get $30 off plus free shipping on their best selling frame. That's AuraFrames.com to get $30 off plus free shipping on their best selling frame. That's AuraFrames.com.

Use the code awful at checkout to save. Terms and conditions apply. Yeah, that's going to be hard to beat. Oh, oh, how about another grand kit? Good idea, but snip snip, remember? Oh, yes, snip snip. All right, everyone. I call together this meeting of the Evil Monsanto

Executives for Evil. Now, as you know, we've been poisoning the foods with GMOs and the water with deadly toxic fluoride for years now in the name of our Big Evil Plan. Big Evil Plan. Yes, yes. But we may have hit a snack. It seems that we're now eating the poison food, right, and drinking the poison water too. Wait, we are? Yep, yep. Turns out that when you dominate the world you kind of just, well, you

rule out other options at a certain point? Well, that's okay because we can use our easy and free cures for cancer if we get it. Sure. You would think that. Um, but sadly we made those illegal as part of our plot. Oh shit. I forgot we did that. Oh, is there any hope? Yeah.

Isn't, isn't someone out there doing something? I mean our evil plans are so obvious there is it looks like us and the rest of the world were are gonna have to count on a Select few who have resisted our evil plot and and the truth that they wield. Oh Who are they? mentally ill grandparents sharing posts they haven't read on Facebook. We're doomed. Yeah.

I knew I should have saved some not poisoned water. Yeah, well, hindsight. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Jackson and Kate plotting about how to deny Nathan proper cancer treatment. Right? Fucking Jackson goes like, well, Nathan's a great kid and I want to make sure that he's taken care of. By which I mean, not taken care of. Yeah. It's, yeah. I mean, it's, it's an unnecessary scene because it's just the same scene over and over. They all are at a certain point. Yeah. There is a little bit of a, But that's what we're doing.

There's a weird like, are those cups really big? Are those people really small? Kind of a moment that happens here. Yeah. But like there's, I love, he's like, I want to help you. I want to get you a lawyer, no strings attached. Except in the next breath, let me tell you about the strings. Yes, yes, he starts like bundling her hand

right after saying no strings attached. No strings attached, but also I'm only doing this because I want to bone you. Just a normal stranger giving you money for a very important legal battle with the express purpose of my interest in you. Yes. And in case we are too dense to see it,

again, because they like to say it, show it, say it. She's like, I just don't see what you see in me. And he's like, you're hot. Yes. I want to have sex with you. I want to put penis in your body. And she's like, oh, I got it. Sorry, woman. It takes her so long to get it to.

I just love that. And he's like, I literally am into you because you understand my passion to battle for truth that I just developed two whole days ago. Yes. Right. Right. Yeah. He says, I admire your commitment to truth, by which he means lies. This is such a weird fucking movie. So then, okay, so we cut to Dr. Knight's waiting room.

He gets served by that lawyer that Jackson hired. Mm-hmm. I bet Donald fantasizes about serving us. Do you think he thinks like, and then they'll be at their podcastery and they'll come in and say, you've been served. And they'll be like, uh-oh. So he's getting sued for what? I know this is clearly what I love about this whole scene is that it is a fantasy because he decided I'm not going to actually research what a deposition looks like.

Nope. I'm just going to have this happen in the lawyer's dining room of his home. This is just in the judge's coffee hutch. Yeah. No, I wrote my notes like they were treated to a fucking scene of what Donald James Parker thinks court is, I guess. So they're in this like deposition trial all rolled into one. Meeting. Workshop. Meeting, workshop.

Yeah, it's a YouTube sketch about how kids think court works. Right, yeah. That's what we're watching. Amazing. So yeah, but Dr. Knight shows up, he's late, right? Because fuck this court. And the judge is like, you're late doctor. And he's like, yeah, sorry, I had an emergency.

And the judge is like, I don't want to hear your excuses. Yeah. But he's a doctor. Right, like emergency when a doctor says it means a totally different thing. Yeah, they're allowed to leave their cell phone ringers on. Like they're the only ones, you know, like in a movie or something.

I leave my cell phone ringer on. You better not. You better fucking not, Eli. Kara, look at me. Look me in my heart. You have driven in a better fucking not, Eli. Kara, look at me. Look me in my heart. You have driven in a car that I am operating. Can you imagine me silencing my cell phone? Yo, that was so scary.

It was like the scariest moment of my life. I'll play Candy Crush with the volume on. It's like in Jersey, too. It's like where traffic is terrifying. Yeah. At one point, he turned right from the left lane. Had to go right. That happened. And this was like a four-lane road. Had to go right. That happened. And this was like a four lane road. Oh my God.

And like, I'll just be like, hey, that was a stop sign. And he goes, was it? Yeah. It was really scary. Okay. Anyway. So the doctor's going to defend himself now in this deposition trial. And Dr. Tingle is there to like, well, actually him from the peanut gallery.

Yeah. Why is Dr. Tingle there? He asked that, he's like, hey, why did you bring a different doctor? And the judge is like, shut up, shut up. It's an informal hearing, so there is allowed to be a lady who hates you. Yes.

But we established that she knows way more about cancer doctoring than this stupid cancer doctor. Right, she's like, are you aware of this study? And he goes, no, I can't possibly be aware of every study. And she's like, gotcha. Got him. You're too busy golfing, aren't you? You fucking putz. And then the judge is like, well, I'm bored.

So no, it's even better than that. Leave her alone forever. He gets a phone call. There are no other guy comes in just like, you're needed in court, sir. So he has to leave the court thing. Sorry, this wasn't court. This was me just having a good time. Right, right.

You're needed in the kitchen is what he meant to say because they're in a house. They're in somebody's house. So yeah, but then the doctor orders him to not give the kid cancer treatment. And then they all go to leave and they try to do this bit where Dr. Tingle and Dr. Knight are trying for the door at the same time, but she gets there way earlier than him and has to sort of just do a circle one time. Yeah, just to run into a force field. Yeah, right.

So, but then this is where we established that Dr. Knight, despite, you know, the fact that she's like trying to murder children with her stupidity, would like to have sex with Dr. Tingle if she if she'd be up for that. And we can already see that Dr. Knight start to question all that

doctoring he's been doing all these years. Right. Yeah. Because natural news. And what's amazing is he's the bad guy in the movie, but Donald James Parker is such a misogynist that he won't let her voice how inappropriate his behavior is right now.

She's just allowed to be like, look, it's completely valid for you to end our legal hearing with trying to fuck me. Obviously, that's a compliment and I love it. How else would people meet? How else would they meet? Kara doesn't understand feminism, but I choose not to fuck you because you don't give out vitamins. Yes, right. 100%. Yeah. So then, okay, so now Jackson and Gramps are at the gym commiserating over the fact that the Senate just voted down that bill on GMO

label. And another thing. Yeah, he says like, why don't they think we have the right to know what's in our food? And I'm like, look, man, if that's something you would like to understand, the internet could help you with that, right? They could explain to you why that's a stupid fucking bill. And he does this weird argument where he's like, they have to say every all the other content of our food. Why don't they tell us what the GM content is? And I'm like, I don't think you know what GM is because the content is food. Yes. Like the content of GM corn is corn. It's not an ingredient that they added. Which of the genes have been modified? Yes, yes, tell me. I just wanted a which jeans. Show me on the DNA strand. Show me the phenomes and the vines.

Corn touched you, yeah. I'm over here with my fucking VHS recorder and I'd like the government to show me on the DNA. It still says 12 o'clock. Yeah. Where is it a fish? They're like, you know, it's high time we took our concerns to the Tennessee state legislature. And I'm like, well, if anybody's going to fucking listen to these

ting, man, didn't they just make chem trails illegal? They sure fucking did, baby. Yeah. So, baby. So, okay. So then we cut to they decide they've got to start their own anti GMO group. They need a grassroots organization. So we cut to Jackson addressing this anti GMO group. Trust us. There's a big crowd in the room. You can't see them because you're looking the other way. They use like the rabble rabble track from South Park. It's like amazing. We get a shot of this crowd.

Everyone looks crazier than the last person. Right. Also, they're all people that are already in the movie. It's the lady on the treadmill. Yep. Yep. It's there's six of them and they're shot like real tight together. Yeah. Rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle. And so Jackson's addressing all of me is like, you look, I want you to ask a lot of questions. I'm not an expert in anything. Doesn't fucking matter. I want you to ask a lot of questions. But first, Dr. Knight is here and he's the bad guy. So we're going to let him talk first so that we can all talk about how wrong he was afterwards. As you know, he is the town's general practitioner, oncologist, surgeon, fluoride defender, and

GMO advocate. And yet the way that he defends and advocates for GMOs is to say things like, well, yeah, they're invasive and they forcibly add genes. Forcibly is in all of their weird words. It felt rape coded, right? The way that he talked to like, yeah. And obviously that corn's just sitting there when they lunge on it and hold it down and change its genes.

So yeah, he goes, and basically he gets up there and he's telling you, saying all this shit. And he's like, but what the fuck is wrong with your dumb asses that you think you know things? I'm a scientist of science and you're fucking dumb. And Jackson standing behind him wildly gesticulate. Like he's like, I got something to say. And then he finally gets a mic and he's like, Frankenstein roundup.

Yeah. Yeah, so Dr. Tingle is there once again to unsay all the stuff that Dr. Knight says. She's going to tell us what GMO means incorrectly. Yeah. And then she's going to get mad at the FDA and the USDA for shutting down raw milk bars. She says, they won't even let you drink raw milk and they kick down the doors of vitamin clinics They sent a warning letter to a walnut producer just for saying the benefits of their project And I was like do I have a need to Google? Yeah, they said the walnuts were curing cancer. Okay That was so fucking funny cuz dr. Knight says hey the FDA like looks at all this stuff and makes sure that Chamos are safe

And she goes the FDA and she's supposed to give this long list of reasons why we shouldn't trust the FDA. But all of them are things where like the FDA very clearly was protecting us. We're like, yeah, thank fuck they prevented a bunch of people from dying from drinking raw milk. Raw milk. Her examples are raw milk vitamin stores, which are, you know, obviously paragons of fucking reliability there, and alternative health care clinics. And then,

yeah, the guys who said that their walnuts cured fucking cancer. And even in that case, like they sent a letter and she admits it. The people who sent a letter to a walnut farm, a vicious malicious letter. What? And then this is the best part. So she finishes her shit and he's like, okay, but can you disprove any of the science that I've said? And she's like, no. And he's like, well, it's your movie. So I guess we have a Mexican standoff.

Yes. The actual exchanges, because she's like, you know, the FDA has a bunch of shills and they're paid off and they're bribed He's like, well, can you prove your allegations and she says well, could you disprove them? I'm like not how allegations work and then he was like, yes We have a Mexican standoff and I'm like, that's not how fucking Mexicans work either man I don't know what the fuck you're talking about Do you have a gun?

Aspartame right so she starts yelling about aspartame and even within the movie the guy's like, wait, what are we just talking about? Fucking GMOs? Where the hell are you? You literally lost the plot. She's like, oh yeah. Sorry. This is none of it's related to reality.

So it feels like I can just say whatever I want. But yeah, okay. So that we get my all time favorite scene. I think in any Donald James Parker movie, except for the accidental bar mitzvah, this is the scene where the two scientists come round to talk to Jackson scientist heavies. Yeah, right. To talk to Jackson about him getting out of line with the science. And one of them is like a beat poet. Yes. That's what they think a scientist is like.

They told him like dress to look like a science. Don't wear a lab coat, right, because they know both of them will show up in lab coats. But he wears these like coke bottle lens glasses, a beret and three days. A beret. Just like a classic liberal in their beret. Now, Kara, how many of these intimidation house calls have you had to make when your friends go rogue? Yeah, I put on my scientist beret. And then I come and I'm like, hey, I'm a sense talker.

They said, we're the sense talker. Sense talkers, they're there to get his science badge and his science gun or whatever. They're like, hey. And they're literally, their argument is like, we are right because we did the work. And then Jackson, the, I guess, former scientist is like, but what if the pseudoscientists are right? He calls them pseudoscientists. Yes!

It's like by definition. They're not, definitionally, man. That's fake science. And then, and then the weird beret guy puts on this fake accent and he goes, inconceivable. Was he trying to do a scientific accent? I think so. Inconceivable. So bad.

But yeah, but they warned him that if he keeps going down this road, he's going to be an outcast from the scientific community. They said, you know, you switch to the other side of the force. And he's like, the light side is I'm on. You're the dark side. I'm on that you're on the force. Also, I just have to point this out. When he was trying to talk them down, he goes, first of all, I'm a scientist.

And I just had to have a moment of clarity in my notes to be like, no, you're not. You're Donald James Parker, who wrote this for him to say, but are very much not a scientist. Very much. Very much. Right. And then I think that the most fun part is where he's like, okay, I look at the truth and now I know the true science because that's Jesus' science. And then he goes, I fight not against flesh and blood,

but against powers and principalities. Yeah. What? Their conversation ends and he's like, I do have to keep in mind that those guys are the minions of the devil. Yes. Yeah, right. Afterwards, he prays for me. He's like, you know, I shouldn't be too mad. They're they're not bad guys.

They are just under the influence of the dark and deceptive one. So yeah, this that's the same guy in the movie. And then so we cut to Gramps and Julie. She's reading the Bible one night. He's getting mad at the Internet when he notices an article on the Internet about what a dumbass Jackson is. This scene is about us. No illusions. Sure the fuck is. It absolutely is. Cause he's like, oh, you know, they'll be coming after me next. And I was just about to write my notes. Oh, who would come after you?

And then I realized that I had a dedicated him voice and I shut the fuck up. He said, Oh, I'm sure I'm going to get roasted somewhere. And I was like, hi, hi Donald. Hi. It's weird. People sometimes when we meet people are like, oh, would you like to meet Donald James Parker? And I'm like, absolutely not. Like I think he's a bad guy who has bad ideas. I have no interest in ever interacting with him. So when his movie is like, well, you'll I says mean things about me. I'm like, don't be the worst. Don't be so bad that I read about you on

cracks.com seven years ago. So yeah, so but she says something about how secular humanism has become the dominant religion of the ruling class. I'm so tired of this argument like big education is churning out God deniers. And then she like, how is she so unaware? He because he's writing for all of this. Right. The only people who will listen to us are the little people. She literally means people who don't have an education.

Right. Like the only people we can dupe are the people who haven't been educated enough to see through our bullshit. Yep. That is exactly what she says. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

It's amazing, too, because he's like, well, you know, if we just we just have to keep see through our bullshit. Yep. That is exactly what she says. That's what she says out loud. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. It's amazing too, because he's like, well, you know, if we just have to keep speaking out even though we're outnumbered and people on podcasts make fun of us. It is amazing how many of his movies are about how important his movies are. He? They say a prayer that's so about us, I felt uncomfortable.

God, please forgive Eli for all the mean voices. Oh boy they're so mean. I don't want y'all to look at it at all. Why do y'all be so mean? I have a madly voice. I have a very normal voice. Me and my friends get together. You are. And we do fun movies. You are such a strong man I could beat him in a race. I'm in all your men Donald will give so much money to charity for you to raise us It's an ugly amount of money Donald I just had a fucking heart attack. I'll still race you, man. I, yeah. Absolutely. There's no conditions you demand that we won't meet Donald. In traffic, buddy. All right, so then we cut to Jackson and Kate.

They're enjoying the snow together. She goes, it's so peaceful out here. It's hard to believe our world is headed towards disaster. I'm like, you're not talking about climate change, are you? No, she's definitely not. This was the funniest and another thing transition because all of these scenes are and another thing and the funniest one is it's really lovely today. The devil works his forces of darkness against truth.

Well, and also in the background while he's talking about the devil working against them, the music is pretty sure that fucking cartoon squirrels have decided to fix the bridge themselves. And then Satan will rule his cancer down on the Jackson goes, you know, it makes me think about George Washington at Valley Forge. And I'm, I bet it does. Tell us all about it. Yeah. Here's who he compares himself to. George Washington at Valley Forge and then Don Quixote. Yes. You know how the book Don Quixote is about a guy who was right when everyone else was wrong. Oh my God. So yeah, he says he feels like Don Quixote and I'm like,

is the days where you don't feel like that, that you have to worry about. It's amazing. He's literally like, there are days I'm lucid and then I remember to hold on to my paranoid delusions. Like, what is this? This is too healthy. Now, I know everybody was really concerned about the budding love interest between Dr. Knight and Dr. Tingle.

So we're going to revisit that. Finally. In the next scene. So we check in with Dr. Knight and Dr. Tingle. So we're going to revisit that. Finally. In the next scene. So we check in with Dr. Knight. He's going to Dr. Tingle's office and he's just going to wait in her waiting room until she's done with her last patient so he can flirt with her. Yeah. I wrote, God, he is gross. Right. And then I wrote, this is so stupid. And then I wrote, we are at the point in the film where

I have nothing intelligent to say. I'm just angry and my eyes keep rolling back in my head. So we get a fucking waiting montage and they don't know how to do that. So it's just like we watch him watch reading a magazine and then we watch him sitting in the same place reading the same magazine and then we do that again. And they're like, that's, that's it montage. But ultimately Dr. Tinkle does come out. And the receptionist is like, yeah, I couldn't make him leave. He just wants to wait here and flirt with you.

And she's like, oh, I like that and feel safe. Yes. And he's literally there to tell her about the awesome YouTube video that he found that changed his mind. Yeah. Like like he might as well say, well, there's this guy named Donald James Parker that made this movie movie that really. Yeah. Yeah. And he's like, come on, take me to dinner and explain to me how cancer really works. And she's like, no, I don't want to do that. And he's like, I thought you cared about medicine.

And she's like, how guilty is the way to a woman's heart? I am soaking right now, soaking. Aren't you a Christian and aren't you Christians about forgiveness? Oh, I guess I am, sploosh. No, but you have to let me pay for my own meal. And he's like, oh, you feminists, you crazy fucking feminists.

I love, Eli, what you wrote here. This is probably my favorite line you've ever written. This movie is full of deadly misinformation and the worst thing about it is still the banter. Still the banter. 100%. Oh, it's just painful. But yeah, so they go out on not a date and then we cut over to Jackson, Kate, Donald James Parker, Julie, Dr. Tingle, and Nathan all sitting around ready to finish the movie off just and another thing-ing at one another. How is this the last scene? It's like 20 minutes long.

Yes. I have to be clear to the podcast listener. What he did is he literally just put all of the characters in his living room to say all the lines that he did not get to jam into the rest of the movie. Right. For no reason. Just, okay, what does everyone want to say that I wrote down for them to say? It's worse than a room of people all agreeing with each other.

It's a room full of Donald James Parker agreeing with himself. Himself. It's so fucking awful. They use terms like sheeple and lamestream media. Unironically, yes. Yeah, unironically. He goes, and the sheeple won't do anything about it. I wrote, this isn't a movie, it's my dad's living room.

But can I see, this is where we get Nathan again, the loudest child in the world, and this is exactly how the scene goes. So I'm just trying to... Man, the morality of the country is so bad. I see the devil everywhere. God has the whole world in his hands! Yes! Thanks, Nathan. He has another scene in a minute or he has one more line in a minute.

That's probably my favorite. I quoted it. And forgiveness! So like can we jump ahead to the doorbell? Oh sure. Absolutely. Okay because this is very exciting. So the Christians are all doing their like war metaphors and then somebody double rings the doorbell.

Who does that by the way? That is rude. I ring it three times. Oh God. I'm important. And then it's the doctor and he arrives and he's been converting, you know who saw that one coming So all of a sudden he's doing his YouTube research as opposed to all the non research that he had done And then the kid looks up and I had forgotten he existed and they cut to him again

That's my favorite line of the movie I quoted quoted it. I want that kid in every movie. Like the fucking Fast and the Furious movies. He's at the last barbecue just being like, just like that's what we need. And then Julie says that God is a just in time kind of provider, which is like a great line. God the great procrastinator. Yup. Right.

No, clearly. Clearly. Yeah. But yeah No, clearly. Clearly, yeah. But yeah, but Dr. Knight is there and he says like, hey, I've decided I'm on you guys' side now and I'm against GMOs and what was I thinking this whole time? Yup. And Dr. Tingle's like, well, you realize you're not going to be allowed to be a real

doctor anymore. And he's like, yup, that is a sacrifice I'm willing to make to be as right as Donald James Parker. Especially if I get to fuck you. Yeah, right, right. Yeah. Which is like, yeah, pretty heavy sort of undercurrent of this scene. And because Donald James Parker's references

are nothing if not topical, he goes, well, you know, you might be like Davy Crockett arriving at the Alamo. Topical. Then he's like, this reminds me of a speech from Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. A whole speech, Jackson. And he's like, will you do it?

Will you do it now? Will you do the entire goddamn Jimmy Stewart monologue? How many times do you think that they did this before they were like, dude, stop doing the voice. Just do it in your voice. How many times did Donald James Parker punch him to be like, that's not how I said it. Oh, sorry. Sorry.

You were doing Jimmy Parr's. I have to say that's a beautiful speech. Like, it's actually a beautiful speech from a really incredible movie. It's ruined for me now. I think that speech is stupid now. Right. No, it's like, it's the sampling of movies. You see, this is cutting-edge. This is what he...

He gives one of his characters the closing monologue from a different goddamn movie as the closing monologue for his movie. Yeah, he's gold digger. Can we point out the fact too that Doris is never mentioned again? No! She was shot by Monsanto as a way of writing that character out of the trilogy. What are you supposed to remember women? Relax, Carol.

It's just a woman. They make others. Now, of course, before Dr. Knight shows up, they're all complaining about how not a single member of the Tennessee state legislature will sit down and meet with them about the evils of GMOs. But Dr. Knight says, well, you know, it just so happens my brother is a state legislator and he'll listen to your dumb shit. So he's saved the

day. Yep. Hooray! And then, because the movie can't end like a fucking sketch I wrote, he goes, all right, let's adjourn for some refreshments outside of the movie now. Yes! And then they fist bump. Yes they do.

The actual closing scene is like a fist bump freeze. Yes, Dr. Tingle and Dr. Knight agree that they will go on a date and they seal it with a freeze framed fist bump. And I wrote, I hate everything. I wrote, this isn't insane enough for a Donald James Parker movie, to be perfectly honest, Donald, I expected more from you. Thank you.

By which I mean less. Yeah. Ran out of time. All right. Well, Kara, we have introduced you to the Grampsiverse because we were beyond forgiving already. But still, thank you so much for hanging out and suffering alongside us. Sure. Sure. And hey, you know what? If you like this one, there are like 24 more of his movies available for free on YouTube. He un-Ju's a guy.

You want to watch him un-Ju a guy? You guys think I would do this for fun? He un-Ju's a whole family. This is something I would choose to do in my free time. Are you out of your mind? So, well, clearly, because it's something we chose to do in our free time. All right, well, I guess that's going to do it for our review of Best Friends Genetically Modified, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need

to make more donuts tomorrow. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. A new tenant at a boarding house is really a demon hiding in the skin of an old woman. Will this evil force steal the souls of the vulnerable? We'll be watching stitches. Will we now? All right, so with that to look forward to, we're going to every episode 453 to a merciful close once again, a huge thanks to Kara for suffering alongside us this weekend.

Hey, Talk Nerdy is about to have its 500th episode. So if you haven't checked it out, there's never been a better time. Eli is going to interview Kara on that episode as I understand it. We're going to talk about the truth about dentistry and 9-11. We're going to get into it everybody. I belong on that show. It's a great idea. Yes, right. No, she's not regretting that idea at all. Yeah, I'm thinking. So, Anna, perhaps even a huge thanks to all the Patreon owners that helped me this show to go. If you'd like to count

yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation to patreon.com slash got off one there by early access to an ad free version of our episode. You can also help a time by leading a five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our simply shows, the scanning of the citation needed D and E minus and the skeptic guide available wherever podcasts live if you have questions comments or cinematic suggestions you can email godolphinmoviesandgmail.com tim robertson takes care of our social media our theme song was written performed by ryan slack and people dressed on mars all the other music was written and performed

by our audio engineer margaret carcan was used with progression thanks again for giving us a check your life this week for heathen right neil i buzznick i'm an illusionist promise to work harder earn another check next week until then we'll leave you with a breakfast club glows We'll leave you with a Breakfast Club Close. God sent a plague of measles, mumps, and rubella to test their faith. Everyone died, except Vaccine Baby. Yeah, no, Vaccine Baby was fine. And so good at math. Jackson's tumor went on to live happily ever after.

Nathan died of preventable illness. Yep. But hey, at least nobody told his grandma what to do. Donald James Parker was thinking about us when he wrote part of this movie. There are several lines that he might as well just say Eli at the end of the day. Eli? Yes. He'll foot race us if we challenge him though. I know that he will.

He really will. I know. He'll beat us too. That's him. I know that he will. He really will. I know he'll beat us too. That's the funniest part. He'll definitely beat us. But then we beat him up. Stop reading Kara's notes. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2024.

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