God Awful Movies - 455: Red Planet Mars

Episode Date: May 7, 2024

This week, the guys team up for an atheist review of Red Planet Mars, a 1952 film that asks the tough questions about first contact with aliens. Like "what religion are they, though?" --- Check out the Maytreon goals here: https://elibosnick.wixsite.com/my-site If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

And they turn off the news broadcasts about the world being over and he's like gee pups I hope the world is okay. I don't know son I don't know. And then she like me trying to break the tension in a business meeting wanders in with this baby dressed like a clown and she's like it's Halloween everybody we're doing Halloween. Trick or Treat. Look at me I'll do a flip! Ow!

Who wants to sing a song? Who wants to talk about the Armenian genocide? God Awful... Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie!

Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie!

Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Heath and right Heath welcome back thanks Noah bully 50s whatever and sitting

my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnic Eli how are you this fine afternoon sir hey down with the red menace hey bully indeed Ricketts iron lung the little mind what will we be breaking down today hit your kid. Me watched. Red Planet Mars. 1952, I think? Yeah. It's the story of how God, Christian God, doesn't really like phone calls.

And that's totally fine. He doesn't like phone calls. Everybody should relax. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the sci-fi, psychotronica, red scare films of the 50s, but you wish the aliens spent more time talking about which illiterate carpenters were their favorites,

you will love this movie. And I do. I genuinely loved this fucking movie. This was great. This was a lot of fun. And it ramped. It was silly and stupid, and then the end is actually really good. It's really good, right? It's not really good. You guys, okay, we'll have this fight in the third segment.

The official position of Pozlong at Thunderstorms at the end. No, I'm gonna bring you to the end. Shyamalan-esque in the twist, which is great. It is. Unobjectively, every movie he's made is amazing. It's great. It's fantastic. Thank you. I said unobjectively by accident.

No, you didn't. It was a Freudian truth. Yeah, no, exactly. Your brain was just forcing that one in. Yeah. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to go with best worst McGuffin, which I mean, I mean the science McGuffin that they had to invent. The hydrogen valve.

The hydrogen valve. Yes. There you go. So I'll tell you just a quick thing about the movie. We're going to get to it right away. They communicate with Mars and the technology that you need to do that in 1952 was a hydrogen valve, according to the movie. A genius scientist had to invent a thing. There's hydrogen in one area and you have to let the right amount of hydrogen go to another area. Then you can talk with Mars.

Then your radio reaches Mars. Yeah. You have to have a special kind of valve to do it. Yes, exactly. All right. So I was going to go with best worst ancillary headlines. Oh, fuck. Yeah.

So this movie, the writers of this film had no idea how to communicate anything at all, except to have a headline spin into view telling us that thing. Right. So about 43 times in this movie, headlines will spin in to tell us the next spot point. And if Heath Enright has taught us anything on this show, it's that it's always worth pausing and reading the other headlines on those newspapers. They're insane. It's so good. I've written down several of them. We'll get to them throughout the movie, but they're a lot of fucking fun.

Oh, for sure. A lot of it's just the stuff me and Eli were yelling in an old timey voice. Yeah. Hey, your kids. Rickets. I'm going to go with best words, speak English. It's awesome.

There will be several times we visit communist Russia and the reasons why people speak English instead of Russian get sillier in every progressive scene. I can't get enough of it. I love it. It's so fucking funny. Yeah. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, we're about to take a trip back to when America was great again

the first time. So we need a second to brush up on our old timey slurs, but we're going to be back in a minute with all the partially digested thoughts that are Red Planet Mars. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. So you can't play any of the FIFA's? No, Heath. They're retro consoles. Well, like broken consoles.

Hey fellas, you ready to record the podcast? Sure. Uh, what is under your shirt? Oh, all this? This is just stuff I need to get off my chest, but don't worry. I'm not going to do it. I'm just going to keep it there on my chest where it's not bothering anybody. Well, anybody but me.

It bothers me. That doesn't seem healthy. Okay, it's not, but the only way I can get rid of it is by throwing it as hard as I can at someone else when it gets to be too much. So well, that is definitely not healthy. Eli, have you considered therapy? Therapy? I thought that was just for people who are like, no, therapy is a great way to handle

whatever you're dealing with. If you're thinking of starting therapy, you should give better help a try. It's entirely online and it's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched up with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. BetterHelp has a wide variety of therapists available so they can help you find a therapist who's non-religious, queer-affirming, or just feels like the right fit for you.

So no settling for whoever takes my insurance? No settling period. Get it off your chest with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash awful today to get 10 percent off your first month. That's betterhelp. H e l p dot com slash awful. Awesome. Thanks, guys. Sure. Say what's under here anyway?

It's mostly tweets. Mostly tweets. Say, what's under here anyway? It's mostly tweets. Mostly tweets, yeah. Got it. Alright, boys, it's time to write our next big science fiction movie. Really? So, what are we thinking? Well, I was thinking, what if we made a movie about radio contact with Mars? Golly, what a concept that would be.

Indeed, and the messages we get from them are of great scientific import, clean power, the end of war, extension of life. Wow, that's incredible! What religion are they? Sorry? The, the Martians, in your idea, what religion are they? I, I hadn't really thought about it, man. Well, what if they are Christian, right? Sorry, sorry. The Martians are Christian? Yeah, yeah, and they're like, yeah, yeah,

yeah, sciencey stuff. But we're really, really Christian up here. Sorry. How are the Martians Christian? Yeah, right. Did Jesus go to Mars or...? I don't know. I just think the movie about how, you know, the Martians are super duper Christian, I like the idea. Okay, so for the sci-fi universe, you'd like to explore is what if there were super intelligent aliens on Mars? And what they wanted was for us to be Christian. I mean, they could also end communism. Well, now that's a great idea! Uh-huh and what they wanted. Yeah was for us to be Christian. I Mean they could also end communism. Well now that's a great idea. Let's get rightin Like it's

And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna start off with credits that managed somehow to have a cheap sounding oboe behind them Okay, so how much is your second most experienced oboe behind them. Okay, so how much is your second most experienced oboist? Yeah, and we see in the credits that Peter Graves is in this movie. Fuck yeah he is. I don't know who that is. Wait, who's Peter Graves? He was in Mission Impossible. He's the um, so tell me Jimmy, do you like gladiator movies from Airplane? That guy. Got it. He's the star of the movie. Oh, that's him. Just unrecognizable. Yeah. You've never seen him young. And can I say age like a fine wine?

That is not a handsome young man. No, he looks a lot better as he gets older. Needed a couple of decades to grow into that face. Really was important. Also, sorry, was the music, was the orchestra in like a genre fight here? Cause the strings are dancing along the river, the brass is running from the bad guys,

the woodwinds are sneaking up on a fucking squirrel. It was so weird. And the drums just like, fuck you. All of you. I'll hit it when I want to. Sorry. I'll hit it when I want to. And I'll hit it when I want to. Sorry. I'll hit it when I want to. And I'll hit it when I want to.

Also, we learned that this movie is based on a play that I will make a matriot goal for Heath, Noah, and myself to do in its entirety in a Broadway theater if we hit enough patrons. Oh, fuck yeah. Absolutely. I like it. I like it. Yeah. Just the three of us playing all the characters. All the parts. Absolutely. I like it. I like it. Yeah. Just the three of us playing all the characters.

All the parts. Yep. All the kids. I think that can work. I hope you have a clown costume, Keith, because you are playing the smallest child. I love the opening line here too as the narrator comes on and says, this is a story not yet told. And I'm like, bullshit.

It's based on a play. I just said that. I just said. Lying. True of all movies, my man. At the based on a play. I just said. Why? True of all movies, my man. At the beginning anyway. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. But we open. We're in an observatory in California and a married couple named Chris and Linda are there to meet the big professor in charge. They do. They do a key and peel cold open, though. They do a key and peel cold open though. So like the science guy is not talking to the couple yet that he's about to meet and he's just doing that thing where he's talking about like a weird pop culture thing. Yes!

It was like, I think it's a good book, but you know, Nabokov was misunderstood. Oh, hello! Hello! And then he meets this couple. It's so weird. Why, if it isn't the inciting incident of the sketch. Right! Exactly.

Also, can we bring back the movie convention of the 1950s where everyone had to shake hands for the first ten minutes of the movie? Linda Parson, pleasure to meet you. Rob Burson, nice to meet you. Doctor, thank you so much. Thank you so much. Will you have a chair? No, thank you.

I couldn't possibly... Like, wow! Did they... they just spent like 18 minutes with the characters. Hold on, hold on. Is it permutations or combinations? I forget which is which. Well, also keep in mind that like most of these characters we're never gonna see again. Chris and Linda are the only ones that matter, right? So they introduce him to the professor and his two assistants and everybody has to shake everybody's fucking hand and all three of those characters are never gonna show up again.

Coats are taken. We watch it in the movie. Yep. Yep. But we also, okay, so we learn here that Chris, the unrecognizable young Peter Graves, has established contact with Mars on his radio. Right. And this professor is taking pictures of Mars with his great big telescope. So we start, we take a look at the canals on Mars pictures that they've taken. Hell yeah! And they show us these, they're like, okay, do you see these blurs and blobs? Yep. Those.

And somebody's like, it's so clear. It's unbelievable. And I was like, no, it's, I'm looking at it. I'm looking at a crayon drawing of like a bad skin rash by a bad artist. Well and also they're like all the canals are running north to south and I'm like first of all you couldn't tell if it was north to south or south to north but also we can see cross-hatched ones right? They're like they're perpendicular to each other that can't all be north to south. They've been listening to D and D minus they actually do they're the equidistant they're all

North to South. They've been listening to D and D minus. They actually do. They're the equidistant. They're all simultaneously going. My favorite part is there's a five pointed star in the background behind Mars in the sky. Oh, I didn't notice that. Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle star.

I did enjoy that, but Heath, I do have to admit that my favorite part is when she's like, well, how come you can see this now? And he's like, oh, well, the sun's pointing at it. Let me show you. And then he draws a circle? And he's like, oh, well, the sun's pointing at it. Let me show you. And then he draws a circle and he's like, see? Yeah, right. I look so way.

Exactly what happens here. So, so she's like, well, why can we only see this now? And he has to explain that Mars is a perihelion. So she's like, what does that mean? And which is stupid because she's supposed to be a fucking astrophysicist in this goddamn movie. But he takes her over to the chalkboard and this actor who has no idea what the word perihelion means was told just explain it to her with the chalk on the chalkboard. So he starts doing what Eli would have done in that situation.

He does his best space work as best he could. It's so dumb. And he has to use the word ellipse at one point. He's like, yeah, it's an elliptical curve. Sorry. You're a lady. You are an astrophysicist, but you're a lady it's a smooshed circle i'll draw it for you and then there's a para line line So yeah, so they but the the assistant walks in he's developed a latest telescope photo And they can see now they they look at like a comparison of the canals and all of the icy mountains at the North Pole are gone now. And they've been melted into the canals in the last five days. And I just want to point out this will never matter and will never come up with the Martians. Nope. Sure the fuck won't.

Right. The Martians will never be like, oh, I should explain, we have an annual canal melting. It's kind of like Christmas. Yeah, so Chris is like, oh wow, I've got to run home and radio with Mars quick and find out about all of this. This is really awesome. And then Linda, out of fucking nowhere, she walks over to the chalkboard and she stares at it

and she goes Or its death Yep, so loud. Sorry what? Everyone in the room turns to her and is like sorry And then the scene ends. That's the end of that scene I imagine there's an extended cut where everyone's just like Okay. Well, it was good seeing you Linda, was it? It's getting late. It's getting late. Whelp. Everyone's just slapping their thighs. Dusty trail, you know. Death. Relax. Huffy fighting the car ride home. Why did you say that?

You're mad. I can tell you're mad. Is it something I did or is it death Linda? So okay, so Chris and Linda they go back home. They check on the kid. There's like a four-year-old to sleep in the bed and we're like, we're all like wait was that kid just by themselves, but don't worry their nine-year-old brother was there to watch him the whole time. Was kind of checking on them. I was like oh the kids are fine.

Yeah that's the amount of parental care that I experienced is that your parents check at the end of the night and you aren't bleeding. Right. Or you are. Or you're asleep anyway. Or you rub some dirt in it and you're fine. Either way. And you're fine. Either way. Sounds great. Or you don't.

That kid is going to grow up to not like phone calls. It's going to work out fine. It's going to be healthier. Data shows. So Linda though is worried about the Martians. She tells Chris is like, oh, I can't wait to talk to the Martians and find out about these, these melting ice caps, but she doesn't want them to talk to the Martians and find out about these melting ice caps, but she doesn't want him to talk to the Martians tonight.

She instead would like to give this just epically nonsensical fear monologue. Yeah. Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. Right away. And he's like, you doing a fear death poem? Fuck. Did an anxiety attack write slam poetry and you're reading it? Out, out, brief candle. I've spun a walking shadow. Shut up.

And of course she has this just hugely dramatic, like looking up and to the right and grabbing it nothing monologue. And then Chris comes up and he's like, ah, don't worry your pretty little head about it, Dame. Chris is doing great. Can I say, look look we all know this couple and Chris is doing the best he fucking can Anna is Chris See us who he wanders off to his fucking Mars talking hut that he has on his property But Linda follows along to fear at him some more, right? As we're all just saying, wow, that was a hilariously silly moment in the movie. She comes in, she's like,

no, I'm not done yet. I'm not done. I had several metaphors. She runs in as if like she was halfway through sentence earlier and then she's like right into oblivion. And he's like, was that the end of your last? You just screamed right into oblivion as you walked in. So here's the actual full line here. This is one of the most amazing lines I've ever fucking seen. I want to put it at the beginning of every fucking show. He's like, you know, but we can advance things with science. And she says, you'll be the next to advance science and maybe us

right into oblivion. It's like talking to Tom. Yep. Yeah. Jack GPT stole to Tom. Yep. Yep. Chad GPT stole my cum. Okay. It's got Big Tom read an article vibes. So yeah, what's amazing here is they've given her these impossibly grandiose lines with no actual objection to him.

Because at the end he's like, so I'm still going to call Mars though, right? And She's like, yeah. No, you go ahead and call Mars. You call Mars. That's fine I just wanted to let you know you're gonna send us into oblivion And I like that the radio this I assume is the hydrogen valve, right? The radio is powered the same way Frankenstein powered his life machine. Yes There's a big crank that gets notched up to radio. Yeah. Well, yeah, they power this thing up like kids pretending their bunk beds are a spaceship. It's amazing.

There's just a coil for no reason connecting to nothing, but it's like science. Spins around. Yeah. It's got a woo woo woo sound to it and everything. Yeah. But yeah, but so he's sending Morse code apparently to Mars is what we watch Like super fast, I guess people were really good with that little clicky machine They still the people who send more Morse code really are military people or whatever still really good at that Okay, I wrote in my notes and now he's playing Mario Party for the N64. Yeah, right, right I just want to see a Martian looking at this wall of text being like that's an ignore. That's that's

But then we cut to a snowy wasteland where there's another person who's radioing this is mr. Calder He's hard at work at his radio and you can tell from his accent that he is a bad guy He has a bad. This is the communist accent while communism was a thing? Right, yeah. He's going for German. Well, it's a it's a national socialist accent. Yeah, right, right, exactly. Yeah, so he's in his basement on his radio. When three ominous dudes walk in, he is not happy to see them at all. Yeah, immediately starts throwing bolts and hands. He throws an A cup. It's the best.

I wrote in my notes, okay, so this is how Heath acts when we wake him before noon at live shows and conferences in case anyone would like to see the reenactment. Don't dress up like an evil cabal. It makes it worse. I feel like this cabal needs to get some earth tones. You know what I'm saying? Like they're all in like evil hats, black trench coat.

Just get like, just get a nice sweater. I don't know. So my favorite part of his freak out is the stool push. I'm talking about the stool like you said on people. Yeah. So as they're coming down the stairs, he's yelling at me, throws his teacup at him, and then he picks up this stool. And now back in this day, apparently they didn't have like a lot of breakaway props and shit. So he had to look angry and look like he was physically abusing them without hurting them.

So he just picks up a stool like a fucking lion tamer and starts pushing it into one of the guys. And he's like, ow, my thigh a little bit. This is the KGB or like Soviet military intelligence, whatever, so they're just like, hey man, tea cup, a chair push, you gotta just stop. We're the KGB. You just do what we say. There's no negotiating. We just win. You have one less cup now. That's all that's happened. Yeah, right. Exactly. That's what happened here. We're gonna go home and use our own cups.

Your stool is gonna be wobbly now. So, but he was supposed to establish contact with Mars, and we learned that through these people just doing accents like Eli Surprised us with them on a citation needed sketch Right, but they do a big long generic you owe us bad guy banter moment here Yeah, but what he does finally get around to explaining is that he has not been able to contact Mars But he is listening to the contact between Mars and the humans. Right. We also learned that the only reason that Chris was able to contact Mars is because

he stole this guy, Calder's valve, his brilliant hydrogen valve that allows you to contact Mars. They just had to have two science words and they were like, Hydrochloric acid. Hydrochloric acid. First element, shit, that was pretty basic. Valve? Valve? Ah, right, write it down.

Why would there be a valve on the radio? Okay, so he's listening to America listen to Mars signal and now the gangster's very excited. He's in a much friendlier mood. So Calder tells him to fuck off Yeah, so now they're gonna drive back to Russia in their fucking 1997 Hyundai Oh, yeah And so I and I can't leave this out as small as this fucking scene as they walk out and there's this big

Christian statue this giant like 30 foot Christian statue right outside this guy's house Right, and they all like look at it like, ha, fuck Jesus. Jesus. God's fake communism's awesome. Yeah, exactly. Absolutely. So, okay. So Chris and Linda are back at home being all domestic. There's this great, like they're just trying to have some banter before the scene starts. And what they landed on is the older son Stuart telling mom that of all of the different moms

She's the one his friends want to fuck the most Mom my friends say you look younger than all the other moms. Gee golly, but then a car pulls up It's a very important military. They open the door There's this guy standing backwards asked to him at the door who the fuck does that? Mm-hmm, but he's a very important military guy, his admiral so and so. He's great. This character, he just sort of lounges around the movie being like, what do we do something? Hey, let me know.

Well, and apparently Stuart, the older son, recognizes this admiral. This is his favorite admiral. The one he has the posters of. Yeah, he's like, hey, aren't you the admiral that broke the Japanese code? And he's like, yeah, the Japanese are fucking stupid. And the kid looks at the screen and he's like, yes, they are. Yeah, the national position right now. This is dumb code. You just move it one letter ahead.

It's real dumb. It's so easy. Dumb. Dumb. I don't think admirals break codes, though. Right right? Like I feel like they have a different job. Like they got people for that. Yeah, right, right. What if A was one and B was two? I'm Alan Turing. I'm way smarter than you. You don't do any of this. Yeah, but so we learn here that the adm Admiral's here to learn about the Mars communications and we learn here that so far the Martians are just sending Chris back the messages that he sends to them. Okay, look, we never get the Martian perspective on this.

Why? Right? Well, it would be the fucking point. Why? Well, I was thinking maybe the Martians like read about mirroring in like some NBA like negotiating tactic manual and they're just like, we'll just show you back with a question mark. I like to imagine that the Martians are just going meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh. This is what you sound like. Yeah. No, so and of course I'm thinking like well wouldn't maybe your message is just bouncing off of something and the

Admiral says the same thing he's like well how do you know that your message isn't just bouncing off something else in space and coming back to you and Chris is like, uh-huh No, we thought of that but it can't be that because science science science It is like ooh science science science. Oh in that case. Hold on. I'm an Admiral I got this maybe their rubber and your glue Have you considered this no man, it's not that kid, Stuart, comes in and he's like, I've got an idea. Why don't you send the aliens the first four digits of pie? Yeah. Okay. And he thinks of that because he is eating a whole pie in his hand.

He's holding such a big piece of pie in the background. When he first comes in, I was like, I fucking love this kid. And they don't address it at first. He just walks in in the background. Huge pie, the size of his body. It's the best. And they don't address it at first. He just walks in in the background. Huge pie, the size of his body. It's the best. Right, which he eats the entire scene.

And he's just eating the whole pie. There's a very, very serious sci-fi exposition happening in the foreground. And in the background, baby Heath is like, hum, the key is you eat it into a thinner triangle and then you eat down. That is the key. Wait, how do you know about that?

Did I tell you about that? I must have told you about that. You talk in your sleep. Yeah, fair enough. So the kid finally gets to talk and he's like, I got an idea. It's about Pi. And then everybody's confused. He's like, no, sorry, I'm holding a homophone of my plan.

Pi, like in geometry, like of a circle. And then the dumbest thing that ever happened in a movie, perhaps, happens. The Admiral's like, you can't make a circle without knowing the ratio of the diameter to the circumference. So, yeah, we'll use pi if aliens know about pi, they have circles. And- What? Oh, fucking cool! What are you talking about?

You don't need to know anything about pi to make a circle. It's just equal distance. It's amazingly stupid. You have a string and a circle. It's just equal distance. It's amazingly stupid. You have a string and a pencil. Yep. You don't need to know any math. Yep, fucking nature makes circles all the time without knowing the ratio of the diameter

to the fucking circumference. It's such a stupid thing to say, yeah. I was gonna say, buttercups are really surprised to find that they know algebra. But the idea is that the aliens are sending us stuff so they must know about wheels because you need wheels to do radios and then therefore you must know about circles. The two key elements of a radio. And then wheels, hydrogen valves.

Okay. Yeah, well so the thing is that what they're actually trying to get across is actually makes perfect fucking sense, but they just keep saying it in these dumb ass fucking ways. Right. So the idea is we'll send them the first four digits of pie. If they send the next four digits, then we'll know we're communicating with an intelligent species. And this is not just some sort of reflection thing. And that makes perfect fucking sense. But the way they get there is they're going like, right,

because if they've got a radio, they must know how to make wheels. And what are wheels circles? And you can't make a circle without knowing pie. And it's just every step along the fucking way is insane. We're like, you can get here from there. You just can't get there this fucking way. Right. It also implies that they hadn't tried sending an incomplete pattern before that point. Right. Right. It also implies that they hadn't tried sending an incomplete pattern before that point. Right. Right. So they had just been sending like,

hello aliens, no need to reply, my name is Dave Thompson and I live here on Earth. And the poor aliens were like, I don't know what we fucking write back to that. They're on Earth? Yeah. Basically Earth is their friend who will sometimes just text you hey instead of the thing they want I don't know what this is. Please proceed You talk now Well, this is actually believe it or not by far the most clever this movie will ever be So we're gonna pause right there and bask in its achievement, but we'll be back in a minute with even more

red planet mars and bask in its achievement, but we'll be back in a minute with even more Red Planet Mars. Hey podcast listener, I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm No Illusions. And I'm Heath Enright. And it's Matriion. That time of year when we come to you and ask you for money. Extra, super hard.

So hard. But we're more than just asking for Matreon, we're giving. For every new and upgrading patron we get this month, we'll do stuff that we know you want to see. Like behind the scenes, scathing content. Or fun stuff to watch in our patron-only Pajama Party livestream. Or… Or… we'll do one episode of Eli's Terrible Show Ideas.

One. Like? Like what? Like Cameo No You Didn't, where we apparently make fun of cameo? Yes, that is one of them. And? We're changing the name of that one. And Fan Friction, where we read the worst fan fiction the internet has to offer. That's right. And you can get us there by adding a pledge to any of our shows or just bumping your pledge up a buck or two.

Follow along at matriion.com and now back to the show. Ooh, also there's Deck the Hallmarks where we watch Hallmark. He said back to the show. Hallmark movie. Stack. Well, thank you guys so much for the lovely dinner. That was so nice.

Our pleasure, Jim. Our pleasure. Come on by any time. That is, if there is another time. I'm sorry, Linda. What? No, it's nothing. It's nothing.

It's getting late, so you should probably. I just have to wonder, Jim, that pot roast I made tonight. Did I destroy us all with it? well Why would your pot roast? Linda Linda just gets a little Dramatic really just you know it's dramatic Am I was it drama when the boys stormed Normandy was it drama when the walls of Jericho fell? I was in that pot roast.

Nothing, Jim. Nothing but a few laughs. And hubris. Damn hubris. Can't ever just have a normal dinner. Just promise me, Jim. Promise me this whole thing won't come down around us that someday we'll look back and laugh.

Because there will be a past to look back upon. Really even comprehensible sentences. I mean, yes. Thank you, Jim. Good night. Good night, I guess. Linda, we're never gonna get a threesome going if you keep doing that. You're killing me. Really? I felt like he was in towards the end there. Definitely not. I felt like,

okay, I was misreading. You were. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Chris, Linda and the Admiral rushing over to that Mars talking hut to start sending pie. They send it so slowly. It's so funny. Well, also like three. One speed it up. For so much faster typing everything else. Also, they send it in Morse code, right?

They don't go click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click. They send those digits in Morse code because the movie is an idiot. Yeah. Right? So. Morse, Mars, it sounds similar. They probably have it, right? Yeah, they'll probably be fine.

Also, they send it twice, right? They send three, one, four, one, five, three, one, four, one, five. Yeah. Right. Which is not pie. It is, but like at least add the nine so that the rounding fits the last number you send. You know what I mean? Because the 5 should round to a 6.

If you do the 9, the next number is a 2, you can keep it a 9. It would just make it a little more consistent. Also don't send it twice in a row because now you've just created a longer number that is no longer pi. Yeah, right. And the marshals are like, do we send back an infinite number of digits twice now? I don't understand what they want. But yeah, so, and then the admiral's like, so how long until they get back at us?

And they're like, well, we didn't actually, for some reason, check to see how long it would take to get a message back and forth to Mars, but we got kind of close on our guess. So he tells them they got to wait like six minutes or something like that. And he's like, oh, I'll just stand right next to this tank that clearly says hydrogen and smoke my pipe. And they're like, ah, ah, ah. We're going to need to blow this up later on in the movie. So that is flammable. Yeah, it's so funny how many times they will foreshadow that

literally for the rest of the movie, someone's in the room someone will start to smoke other be like Jesus fuck. You're not allowed to smoke in here We've said it like nine times, right? Right. Yeah There's got to be so many giant explosions from old-timey idiots always having a cigarette or cigar or pipe everywhere They go right right? Right. Yeah. And so I love this moment too, because then the Admiral says, hydrogen, why do you need that to communicate with Mars? And the writer's like, God damn it, why did I write that? Shit.

So he says, well, you know, with hydrogen, you can get things really, really cold. And when things are really, really cold, Mars radio. You communicate with Mars then. It's pretty awesome. And then, and then Linda interrupts with her weirdly dramatic bullshit again. She goes, Mars, the very symbol of war. And yet we have the audacity to bring it closer to us. Linda, Linda, you gotta stop, honey. You have got to stop. This is a stranger. We met him four minutes ago.

See, at the end, the admiral, he desperately changes the subject. He's like, so how about them Dodgers? Would she have been cool if it was like Venus instead because it's the goddess of beauty or something? Don't fuck my husband planet. So but Chris now explains to the Admiral that he actually stole his cool idea from for the hydrogen valve from a German war criminal that escaped from prison some years before. Okay, this was pretty funny. Because Linda was like, so you know about Franz Calder?

The Admiral's like, of course, the beloved Nazi. I mean, who? Remind me. Remind me. She's like, he's the one who famously said, the human being is the best guinea pig. And he's like, high voltage experiments on the human nervous system. Ha ha, totally.

Wait, no, who is it? What was the title I said? Did I get it wrong, probably? Also, just keep in mind that this is like, five years after the Holocaust. So the whole like, let's invent a baddie who does the thing mangalay, who by the way, at the time, is still hiding in fucking, you know, South America It doesn't smack quite the same way as it does in modern films. Right. Yeah, exactly Also, there's a very weird like yeah, no German war criminal bad, but like hell of an inventor

Can we say it? Can I be the one to say it? And the movie's trying to claim that like only the Russians would ever hire a Nazi I mean we stole the hydrogen valve and put them in jail, the Nazi guy, but the Russians are hiring Nazis. America would never hire Nazis to help out the space program or the military. That's insane. An ethical thing to do. Yeah. So, but then the Admiral, just kind of out of nowhere, he's like, cause Chris is like, imagine, you know, the the Martians could tell us the next energy After coal and the Admiral's like and put a bunch of American coal workers out of jobs and we're like fucking what man what?

Free energy. Yeah, who's gonna work there? Yeah Spoiler alert Yeah, that is the problem. Yep, that is. And Chris is like, well, we're already kind of fucking over coal miners. Like their jobs, horrible already. Right, yes. No, no, Facebook is going to steal all my pictures at midnight.

I hear you. We should still invent stuff. We will save that argument you're making for elections in like 70 years, but like for now we're doing science. Right, right, right. Well, obviously, obviously, yeah. So yeah, but now it's time for Mars to respond right and Damn it if Mars doesn't send the next digits of pie now, and I want to point out This is exactly what happens. Okay, they're all looking at the screen. He's like nine two

Six and before anyone can say anything Linda's like they're they're totally going to fucking kill us. And she's like, God damn it, Linda. So and then we get our first newspaper spinning in to tell us how famous Chris and Linda are. And we get the first taste of my best worst. So here are, I'm not going to read all of them for every newspaper because there's a lot of them, but here are the headlines on this newspaper other than, you know, man and woman contact Mars or whatever. Congress raises taxes 20 billions. Russia cheers at United States peace moves and government experts check reports. Area man has spreadsheet. Yeah, it's some lorem, yada yada. Yeah.

There's a partially visible one about pirates. I was dying to know what the other half of that one said, but yeah. That was just a box score. That was a box score out of Pittsburgh. Oh, okay. Yeah, right, right. So, but yeah, but there's this big montage of everybody clamoring for more news about the Mars messages and shit.

This montage includes, by the way, a reporter checking Stewart's muscle, the young son, right? Squeezing his arm to see how big his bicep was. Yeah. Gotta work that hydrogen valve somehow. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. I also, I love that in this montage, there's this part where like, you know, everybody's buying all the Mars stuff that they can but all the props Department managed was to like write the word Mars on some balloons and like handwritten with magic marker Was there a guy with a Mars glory hole? It seemed like there was a Mars glory hole. Yeah, like a keyhole. I got that vibe for sure Yeah, it was a big keyhole and he was like, oh, I've got Mars right in here

Meet me behind the bushes and Mars will suck your dick Yeah, it was a big keyhole and he was like, oh, I've got Mars right in here. Meet me behind the bushes and Mars will suck your dick. Also, I love that all of these like, Carnival Barker people are in full six piece suits. Yes, right. Right. The balloon salesman is dressed the way I dressed at my father's funeral. Just like balloons. Balloons. Hot. Just like balloons! Bloons! Hot!

So yeah, and we watched like some Russian peasants that are listening to their secret radio about the Mars communications. And then of course Russian police show up to check and make sure they're not listening to a radio. Yeah, they hide it in the fire. I really wanted to see them taking it out. Oh, it broke. It melted.

In fire. In fire was bad place. That's a bad idea. What were we? If only we had hydrogen valve, am I right? Yeah. What if it's so cold? So, but yeah, so but then we get a news anchor telling us all about what we've learned from the Martians.

We learned that the Martians live for about 300 years. Right. And there's this year random fucking scene where like there's a husband and wife that we've never met in the movie and will practically never see again. They're watching this and the wife says 300 years and the husband says and I quote, I hope not your mother. Hell yeah. No second takes. Like the line is supposed to be, I hope your mother, like I hope not your mother lives 300 years or whatever, but that, but the delivery is just a random series of words. Like he was just sounding it out.

What's amazing is I actually really felt for the writer in that moment. Cause I felt myself being like, well, no, you would write. I hope your mother doesn't live that. No, it's not. I hope I, man, I can't, I, I sure. I hope I man. I can't. I I sure. I hope not. Your mother does actually feel best for me. I really not mother. You I did.

In 52, Eli wrote this one. OK, all right. But now here's the amazing thing about this, right? Your mama, my wife. No, it's not that. It's not that. The world's not ready for my wife. But here's the most amazing thing. So the consequence of us learning that Martians live for 300 years is that life insurance companies stop selling life insurance policies.

There's a run on the life insurance business. And and then we see these these a group of people all standing around going like, who's going gonna pay the pension for people who retire who are retired for 235 years. I don't know probably Martian insurance companies what the fuck are you talking about? Right yeah. Yeah I wish I could say that people freaking out about pensions when they learn about living three times longer is a silly idea but that is exactly what would happen in the United States.

Yeah, no, you're right. It's the fucking first thing they were, well, who's gonna pay all these taxes? Okay, cool. Right, and well, and then the next message that the Martians send is that they can grow enough food with one acre of land to feed a thousand people, and because of that, food futures crash.

The agricultural prices crash because Martians have a lot of food. Why would, okay, but why would Mars having that technology crash our farm prices? Not now. Yeah. But also, you know, all the like pension funds that were shorting the food futures would have made money so Right. Yeah, honestly zero-sum game So then we cut to Congress where they're debating the tumultuous world that these Mars communications have thrown up the opening

Line is the future of the livestock industry is at stake here So funny because what what are they? Stop saying what Mars can do. Yeah. Right. Right. I love how silly this is because they needed, the writer needed messages that would send humans into panic and this is the best they could come up with.

People living longer would fuck up life insurance and growing a lot of food would fuck up farm prices. What about sorghum? Sorghum! And like 1952 America was like, blah blah blah blah blah blah. Sure, I love sorghum. These squiggles at the bottom, this mid-journey picture are the signatures of the artists they stole it. No, stop. Stop it. Stop it. So then Calder cuts into the middle of this like montage or whatever to tell his boss that this next message is going to be a real sensation. Like the movie basically pauses its montage to tell us to pay attention to this next bit

coming up though. Ah, but it's getting even worse than the shorting of the cow futures. Don't you worry. Yeah, exactly. There are even bigger stakes to this movie. So the new message is that for centuries, the Martians haven't used coal, oil, or electricity. That feels wrong. Maybe the coal and oil part, but like they probably have flows of ions somewhere. Right?

Well, no, they use... Heath, pay attention. I'm so sorry, everybody. Heath wasn't paying attention. They use cosmic energy. Energies, yes. Spatricity, but I feel like that's gonna have some ions moving.

So wait, it's even dumber than they use cosmic energies. Here's what they actually say. They've used cosmic energies to make hundreds of elements fissionable. There aren't hundreds of elements. Sure aren't. Also, I absolutely want to watch them be like, this is how we can turn nucleonium into f***ers. We got to the United Mine Workers.

They're all pissed about all these fissionable elements. And I'm like, well, now you can just mine whatever you want, though. I feel like that makes your job so much easier. Fellas, have you tried gathering carbon? That shit is everywhere. It's fucking, it's everything. It's literally all the things. It rules. So, yeah, so we'd say another newspaper spins into view and it says coal mines close. Okay. It seems like a bunch of stuff has to happen first before coal mines close on Earth. We just got a radio signal that we don't even know for sure is Martians and we're like,

yeah, they're coming here or we're going there. Everybody's going to be 500 years old and we're getting rid of coal right now. Shut it down, everyone. Yep, shut it down. Everyone, shut down the steel plants because we're not going to need coal to power it. What? Why are you shutting down anything? Yeah, because the next newspaper that rolls in says that the steel mills have closed down because they don't have any coal.

Feel like we still need coal then, huh? I feel like we've got a solution here. By the way, there was another headline on that newspaper. It was my favorite of the entire movie that said, Greek Island sinks. Atlantis too? Question mark? But yeah, but now everybody's out of work. When Chris drives by, everybody doesn't love him and want his autograph anymore.

Now they jeer at him and break his car windows because they hate him for taking away all the good coal jobs. Okay, this is the best because there's police escorts being provided to him and the escorts let the angry mob do a little bit of rabble rabble outside of the car. Right, yes, exactly. Like, eight, we'll let eight of you come up to the car and pound on the windows. That's it. Okay, who won? Yelling at Chris as he drives into his... Okay, great. You in the 47 piece suit.

Demand Chris give you a coal miner a job. Do a bracket tournament for the next one. There's also this great moment where he gets home and he's like going up to his door and he trips over the step coming up, but they just keep it in the tank. So, yeah, but so he gets home and his son's like, Hey, let's listen to the news, dad. He's like, I don't want to listen to the news. They turn on the news and it's like, there's been a run on the banks. And we're like, but why, though? And they're like, don't worry about why. France has fallen to anarchy.

Yes, Europe has gone down. I'm like, I feel like the downfall of civilization and the Mars messages are unrelated. Even if the world is ending and you really believe that's what's happening because Martians can get old and have good agriculture, why would you go get a bunch of cash at that point? What are you going to do with that? Right. Trust me. I heard the Martians like crisp $20 bills.

So yeah, but Chris doesn't want to listen to the pandemonium he's created. So he gets all snippy with the kid. Just then Linda shows up with the baby dressed up for Halloween. This is fucking insane. Here's what I have to communicate to you podcast listener. We are listening to a news broadcast, right? And they turn off the news broadcast about the world being over and he's like, gee pups, I hope the world is okay.

I don't know son. I don't know. And then she, like me trying to break the tension in a business meeting, wanders in with this baby dressed like a clown. She's like, it's Halloween everybody. We're doing Halloween. Trick or treat. Look at me.

I'll do a flip, ow. Yeah. Yeah. Wee. Yeah. Who wants to sing a song? Who wants to talk about the Armenian genocide? So Chris goes out for a cigarette and a mope.

He's going up to his Mars talking hut where apparently the army is putting new equipment in Okay, they're like hey, what kind of equipment are you putting in and the guy goes cathode something right? Okay, I'm so sorry because I shut up I know we have so much of this movie to cover and I just I do have to talk about the way he is leaning On Chris's desk when he walks in. Oh the the glory hole that was apparently behind the desk. He's very clearly fucking the desk, right? There's no way to position your body on top of any object, let alone a desk, like that, unless you're fucking it.

He might as well just yell, I'm not fucking your desk as Chris likes it. I wrote in my notes, hey man, are you fucking my desk? And he's like, no, you're getting a new cathoid ray. There's some common one in the drawers, but don't... I was here when we got here. That's the cathoid. Don't smoke in here.

Yeah, I get it, man. Foreshadowing. The army guy goes to light up a cigarette and he's like, it's gonna murder you. And I'm like, put up some no smoking signs somewhere, man. If this is a repeated problem. Also, if you're talking to a smoker, you need to be a lot more clear between smoking is bad for you and that will blow up the building.

Really? Yeah. So then we cut to the military bigwigs. They're getting briefed on the situation. The admiral from before is there. and they're starting to wonder whether or not they should even be releasing these Mars messages to the public. Guys, I'm starting to think that since the minute we say a technology, that entire industry collapses, maybe we sort of run this around the back end first.

Yeah. And so they tell the Admiral no more releasing the Mars messages. And he goes, yes, sir. Is there anything else? And he's and the other guy's like, well, I actually a quick monologue about the downfall of civilization. If you don't mind, Linda hasn't been on screen for a minute. So I was talking to Linda.

We're in the same book club. Yeah. And they say that this whole freak out about the new technologies is doing more damage than the Russians have done in 11 years of Cold War. And at this moment, I'm thinking to myself like, I bet both sides of the Cold War tried pretending to be aliens and lying about it to try to get something like this to happen. Oh, totally. I remember one time when the Russians started releasing news stories to the West about how aliens had visited Russia and then flown away

and like clearly in hopes of causing a freak out in the West. Yeah, there you go. They actually did do that. For sure. There's the play. So, okay. So now we get Calder. He's calling his Russian bosses. First, we get this weird moment like, he calls him at his home, but they have to give him his office number. It's why? Why did they keep this scene? I don't know. It is a solid six minutes of screen time of him being like,

okay, but last time I called and you said you were switching me over, you accidentally hung up on me and I had to wait on hold again. So is there a way where I can... You have to press hold and then hang up. No, because United told me... Hold and then hang up and then you get line. It's hold and then line. They gave me the refund, but then they said they couldn't rebook my ticket.

Is yours a Cisco? You have to pay out of pocket for that. But yeah, so, but he tells the Russian bosses when he finally does get them on the line that the messages aren't coming in anymore, right? Yeah. And the Russians think that this might be just the right time to attack America now that their economy is in shambles from the lack of coal and steel.

Side note, this is when I realized he was working for the Russians. I was like, these Nazis are weird. I think they're messing up the accents. And this is the scene where I was like, oh, it's the Nazi working for the Russians. Yeah, right. Right. No, that's tough. That's tough to decode for us. Yeah. A lot of my earlier notes need to be completely ignored based on them.

His understanding. Wouldn't we have hired this guy? I feel like we hired the Nazi guys. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, right. Right. Also, why would the Mars messages selectively crash the US economy? Right. Like, why is no one else going like, hey, let's shut down our coal hole? No, no Russia coal. We still need no radios except the one in all of it. And it got melted. Yeah, that's that's a good point. So, OK. So meanwhile, back in America, the military is decoding. Right. We cut to the decoding room. And I again, this is just in the background. Normally I would just pass right over it, but I absolutely can't.

The lady who's typing at the beginning of this scene, her finger position is insane. It's like their fingers are way up, like she's avoiding a counterstrike by the key. It's like it's like she's giving finger guns to the typewriter. But in order to just like clickety click click, click click click, that's my guy. Clickety click click click, what's up big dog? Clickety click click click.

Like she's trying to climb a ledge that ends with a typewriter is like the angle. Also, Noah, you were a young man at the age of 40 when this movie was made. Were typewriters just firing a small gun at a typewriter? They're so fucking loud. Oh yeah. So those are mechanical ones were fucking awful and you really had to mean it with every key. Yeah. So yeah. So, but they just got another message decoded.

And why they can't believe it. This message is just so, so suspense inducing, right? They're like, well, we have to rush this over to the White House right away. They don't tell us what's on it, of course, because it's suspense inducing. Right. Yeah. So, but we cut over to the White House. The president hasn't learned about the new message yet. They're actually thinking about maybe starting a war with Russia quick before the economy

all the way clubs. Like, you know, hey, quick with the coal we have left over. Yeah. It's like when everyone in your high school friend group just decides to fuck each other before you all go to college. And that's what they're doing with with nuclear war. Totally. I had sex before I went to college with all my friends. Yep. But you were really getting an angle on that pie, though. So, but Chris and Linda show up to meet with the president, right?

And the president explains that they need to stop talking to Mars because it's destroying the damn economy. Yeah. And again, I wish I could say that this is silly, but depending on the political party that's empowered, I'm surprised the president isn't recommending nuking Mars. Yeah, right. Honestly. And let's keep in mind, so far the message of this movie seems to be, those damn scientists

with their damn knowledge always knowing things, right? Disrupting the not knowing things industry? Yeah, exactly. So they have a shouty argument about what progress means and whether it's too damn dangerous. And then they learn that the Russians have also been decoding the Martian messages. Now, decoding is because translating would be the correct word, right? They're not coding their messages. They're just speaking a different language.

And you would think that once we'd learned the language, we wouldn't have to translate every new message. We wouldn't have to like translate every new message. We wouldn't have to decode every new message. But somehow, like I guess they use a different language from a different Martian language for each message. I don't know. Yeah. So, but when Chris and Linda learned that the Russians are also decoding the messages,

they, they're like, well, that like, as a guarantee that we shouldn't stop talking to them. Because like, what if the Russians find out some shit that we don't know by talking to the Martians? And it's just then when the Admiral from before comes in with that latest message. Yes. And by the way, this is like the ninth false start we've gotten this message at this point when he walks in I was like, Oh my God, just say the message. This movie is so boring.

But instead he's like, I have a top secret classified on this crumpled piece of paper message in Can I show it to this guy Chris to mr. President? He's like, yeah sure Can I show it to this guy Chris first? Yeah before you mr. President have even seen it Oh, my wife is having an affair But the president's like yeah, no no, no, give it to Chris. He's the main character. Yeah. So Chris looks at it. He's flabbergasted.

Apparently, this is the answer that the Americans asked the Martians. Hey, how did you manage to not blow each other up for so long? And this is their response. They finally, after a very long fucking time, read us the message, and it basically says you should have listened to Jesus. That helps. Mm hmm. Yeah. Seven lifetimes ago, you were told to love goodness and hate evil. And I love that it has to be translated into Martian lifetimes.

Right. Yes. Yeah. Seven Martian lifetimes. And Linda goes, wait, wait love goodness and hate evil That could only be a reference to the sermon on the mount and I'm like could it only be that? Is that the only thing that could be? She says the sermon on the mount on Mars and I really wanted a flash cut to a dead Jesus who can't breathe the air Just floating free wheels. Do you do you think he had something to say about loving goodness and hating evil? I have to make a sermon on the Mons joke even though most people won't.

Okay, so to be clear though, the movie is saying that everywhere except Earth, the Bible is about an alien species, but it is in all those other places outside of Earth. And they just read a human Bible and they're like, yeah. Apparently, or maybe there was... That's about us too. They were watching. Maybe there was also a Martian Jesus. Oh, they could have been watching, yeah. That's, well, because again, they don't say like, and when Jesus talked to us, he really...

He did mostly particle physics with us. It's weird that he spent so much time with you guys on Templar Law, but yeah, no, that's where we got the life extension technology. To be fair, he lived to be like 75 with us, so we gave him a little bit more time. You know what I'm saying. Got to finish all those chairs, the old people. But Chris though, he's he's furious at the aliens for being all religious and not scientific, right?

And Linda's like, well, Mr. President, you have to release this Jesus-y message. And the president's like, well, if Linda said I have to, I kind of, she's the most dramatic person in the world. She's really, she's very intense. So I'm just going to do it. Yeah. He says, now we've been following the stars. Now we're following the star of Bethlehem. Get it?

Get it? Cause stars. Yeah. He turns to his aid and he goes, broadcast this message in every language. And I'm like, I feel like there's a few languages you can scamp. Right. Which are the Filipino sub dialects?

Did you all of them? Dear world, Christianity is right. Right. Yeah. That's what the message is going to be. Clearly. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, we've had the awful for a while, but we finally got the God to go with it. So we're going to give ourselves another quick break.

But first, let me give Act Three, the hard sell. Is Jesus a Martian? Is Mars really Kolob? to go with it, so we're going to give ourselves another quick break, but first let me give Act 3 the hard sell. Is Jesus a Martian? Is Mars really Kolob? Why wouldn't you ask how they used cosmic energies for power? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the way more Christian conclusion of Red Planet Mars. Marklar, Marklar, come here!

What is it, Marklar? Are you seeing this Jesus guy on Earth? Oh yeah, yeah, I saw that on the Cosmo Tube. He's gonna save all their souls! Cool, cool. Right? Yeah, uh, has he, uh, mentioned us at all? Uh, no, he has not.

Oh. Um, is that... is that weird to you? I mean, they're still in the Bronze Age. He's probably starting slow. Sure, sure. But like, he's mentioned there's other planets, right? Uh, no. No, he hasn't. Really? Not even in passing?

Nope. Nope. He's mostly just talking about how the world is going to end one generation after he dies. Like, Earth? Yep. Yep. Oh. No word about what's going to happen to us? The super advanced civilization on the other planet nearby? No.

No. It just feels weird, right? Why do you think I'm watching, Marklar? Okay. Okay. Snippy, by the way. You're snippy. And we're back for still more of this shit. By the way, you're snippy.

And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with yet more newspapers spinning in to tell us about the Jesus E Mars message. Yeah. God speaks from Mars. Yeah. Yeah. In 46 different languages. This movie is so fucking lazy. This is the second

everybody scrambles to get a newspaper about the message from Mars montage we've had in the last 20 minutes. I really wanted them to all run into scramble and I was like, guys, guys, this happened last week. What did we, what did we realize? That's right. There's enough newspapers for everyone. Okay. Also, we did this last week. To be clear about the journalism that's happening here all over the world, these journalists were like, yeah, so apparently God was on the radio with us, spent about 10 or 11 text messages

talking about math, and then he was like, oh I'm God by the way, and they were like oh Christian God, get the fuck out of here, that's you? All right. Yeah. And that's facts now. They're very unclear about it because they say that the Martians talked And they were like, Oh, Christian God, get the fuck out of here. That's you. All right. Yeah. And that's facts now. They're very unclear about it because they say that the Martians talked to their supreme religious leader. So like, they saw Jesus on earth and they were like, yeah, we're going to do that one. Let's do that one.

I guess. Yeah. But stay tuned because eventually it will actually. Well, I don't want to give it away just yet. But yeah, this is who they're radioing with is just a fascinating question. So we get that, we get that montage. And we also get the Russian Politburo, like radioing with Calder trying to sort all this shit out. They're very upset about this Jesus stuff. They're like, Hey, you're really smart Nazi guy. Does this mean God is definitely real and Christian? Are we fucked?

Cause we're atheists. Right. And he's like, no idea, man. I don't know. What are you talking? I'm hanging up. I'm hanging up. I'm getting drunk again on the champagne I brought

to my hut in the Andes. Yeah. So then a fucking a news anchor cuts in, in case we weren't super clear on the Jesusy bit, right? He goes seven lifetimes ago, but Martian lifetimes ago, remember they lived 300 years. So that's about 2100 years ago. That's pretty close to Jesus times.

Not that close though. It's like pretty well before, this is 1952. Right. So they're off like 150 years on Jesus, right? Ash, ash. I feel like maybe they could, cause like they could decide how long the Martians lived. They could have made it even divisible.

Yeah. How much hydrogen would make it? No, is that part of the equation? Fuck. Yeah. But the news anchor is like, yeah, but it turns out that Christianity was right. That's all the news that's fit to print, I guess. Yeah.

Now they save those opinions for the op-ed section of the New York Times. This is Ross Duthat's dad in real life. Yeah. So, but then the hope not your mom guy shows up. We see him one last time. He wants to go to church now because of the Jesus messages from the Martians. He like looks at his beer and he decides against it. Right. Yeah. We get a secondary montage of everybody just flocking to churches and droves. Which is very funny because all of the crowd shots are of people at religious events. So it's like, yes, everyone goes to a religious thing. Like they do. Are. Yeah. Right. Right! This is 1950 fucking 2 people. So we cut to the president addressing the nation and he's like, yeah, everyone is Christian

now because the Martians nailed it. Yeah, we get a little C.S. Lewis here. He's like, sure, those words were explicitly Christian, but they're also the essence of all religions, be it Islam. And I'm like, okay, because Jesus was a prophet and they're like Jews and I'm like definitely not them They're like Buddhists and I'm like, okay, so Shut up. Yeah. Yeah exactly. Well, he's like but yeah all the other religions agree with Jesus now about the religion stuff So we're all on the same page. They were wrong. They were kind of close. We're not gonna be dicks about it

We're right about Christianity. We'll let the other ones. We don't have to rub it in. Nicely come into our thing, which is science now. And then he does the Facebook, like the trashy friends from your high school towards Russia. He's like, I just hope Russia is out there living their best life and know that there's no hate. It turns out they were wrong about religion. Even though, yeah, I hope they're the ones who are really turning Christian right now.

School of hard knocks. Yeah, though he reads us a new message from the Martians. It's even more biblical. Apparently the Martians are now adding these and vines to their messages. Yeah. Interesting. And then we cut over to Russia and they are turning Christian. Now we get the one guy dramatically taking down his picture of Stalin.

Yeah. They all go out, they dig up their secret Jesus box. They go to open it up and I'm like, oh, please be a John Wick box. But no, it's a, it's a Jesus box. I want it to be just all rotted out. Cause like idiots, you just buried a wooden box or whatever Jesus cloths were kind of moth eatin' it off the bottom falls out. Oh the crucifix.

Oh. One guy goes straight for the kiss though. Yep. Like they open the box and one guy dives in front and like kisses the top thing right away. But guys I think we can all agree that what communist Russia was missing was religious extremism. Oh yeah, yeah. No, now that they've got that. And if it ever got any, yeah, it would be great. It'd be really chill and cool over there. Pretty awesome. Yeah. So they grab all their old Christian stuff. They go on a little parade with it. They go to the, they make

this little room into a, they put a cross on it, make it into a little church. Just then the commies come by, the atheist enforcement squad comes by. Hell yeah. Okay. And murders them. And they go get messed up. I could not stop laughing because I was like, oh, well the Jesus magic is gonna stop the bullets or something, but no.

It's just like, blah, blah, blah, blah. Fuck Jesus. Oh, that was a terrible idea. Why did we do that? So. Hope we didn't die for Elijah's now. Shit. Next Martian message. Oh, God.

Fuck. Geez. We thought you guys reacted badly to the coldness. Yeah, right. Right. So, okay. So, but now the Politburo is panicking. The Martians are getting more and more Christian with every message.

Right. And I'm not even starting to think about like how much the Martians are starting to feel like that one, that super cool couple that really wants to do board game night next week again, and then like three weeks in, you're like, oh, you're trying to get me to join your fucking cult, aren't you? God damn it. I thought you were awesome.

All right. Give me the details and where's the brand. Cause I am open to this. Yeah. Cause you guys don't just want to play Catan. So they see this. I'm in. That's the answer. But yeah, so, but called her explaining all open to this. Yeah. You guys don't just want to play Catan. So they see this. I'm in. That's the answer.

But yes. So but Calder's explaining all this to him. And just then there's an avalanche and his house is destroyed. Oh, I thought just we cut to somebody's gingerbread house falling down. I wrote in my notes. Hell yeah. 1952 those motherfuckers knew how to resolve a plot line. Yeah, right, right. But then we cut to the Russian leaders and they're like, you know, look,

we may have to kill 30 million people to keep him from turning all Jesus, but it's worth it. It's worth it. Right. And he also adds, he's like, yeah, but we could use, you know, a religious revival later if we want to do another war if we need to. We'll sit down. We're doing the killing right now. We are keeping religious revival on the table. OK, we're putting a pin in religious revival. We'll try killing 30 million people first. So then we cut to Chris and Linda and the professor from the very beginning of the movie sweating over Chris's Mars talking device because the Martians are ghosting

them all of a sudden. Maybe they're out of battery or it's on silent because they're working. There's a lot of reasons. A lot of stuff. Then we cut back to Russia where like the Russian heavy has to go tell the premiere that they lost contact with Calder. Oh, my God. This is my best word. Right. Because he's in the middle of saying it. He's like, speak English.

We're in the movie. I'm doing Duolingo. This would count as my practice. We're doing English for this life scene. That owl is really passive aggressive. He's like, talk English. America's didn't start accepting subtitles until the early 2000s. So, but they're bringing in, apparently they're bringing in the Russian Patriarch.

He's at the airport. So, but they're trying to call the airport, but they can't because the power goes out. And they look across the street and they're like, wow, the power's on across the street. And just then they hear hymns, bunch of people singing religiously. In perfect English. Yes. Right. Right. But then the Russian army kills all of them. We just hear a bunch of bullets in the background. And all of them going like, nice, nice. This is good. Got them. But the religious people set the capital building a flame or whatever the hell it is in Russia. They said that it's the Kremlin, isn't it?

They set the Kremlin on flame. They do. And they're revel, they're revolting again there. So then we cut to Chris, he's at home, he's playing with his kid and somebody calls him and they're like, Hey, you got to watch the news. He turns on the news. Turns out the Russians are broadcasting their switch to Christianity live. And somebody got made fun of for just switched to English now. So they have a guy for that who's

like, hello, I speak English for Russia for this global telecast of us becoming Christian. Yes. Russia is Christian now. Yes, they've decided that they're going to become Christian now. And in fact, they've deposed their leader and the patriarch of the Russian Orthodox Church is now in charge of the country. So they're a theocracy now guys. Happy ending for everyone. It's so good. There's an old like Russian Orthodox priest just standing behind it. He might as well go, he's right behind, it's the Christianity right behind.

Yes. Also, so while he's saying all of this, we've got Chris watching this with his toddler. Whose fucking idea was it to put this rambunctious ass toddler in the middle of this fucking shot? I want Paw Patrol. He's just he's just saying whatever the fuck a toddler wants to say while this movie goes on. At one point, he like runs right at the camera. Uh-huh. He looks into the camera uh-huh he looks into the camera and he's like camera and then he's like I want to go and then runs off

camera and he's like yep still a movie guys want another take no all right we're keeping it along with not I hope not your mother all right this is the I hope not your mother of this part of the movie. I wanted the kid to start doing a death poem or whatever, just like mom. Oh yeah, like mom. There are cemeteries that are lonely. Sorry, that's fine. I'm in the fire.

But yeah, so but the Russians promised to take all their armies back and let all the countries in the Warsaw Pact go and they promised that they'll stop oppressing people for being Christian and they'll let everybody worship whoever they want as long as it's Jesus. And then they flash cut over to Chris and he's kneeling down to the toddler who they have since calmed down with a toy pig. And he's like, your daddy is a very important son, very important. And I wrote me and this character to our child. All right. Yeah. Yeah. He goes, he turns to his son and he goes, you're the blessed generation.

And I'm like, he's a boomer. I mean, I just, I'm like, well, that's, that's, you know, we'll just leave it at that. What do you mean you're destroying your pigs housing market? So Linda comes in, she's excited for the fall of communism, like everybody is. And then they, they didn't know how to end this scene. So Stuart, the older son says, Oh no. And they look over and the little boy has gotten into the fireplace and is all covered in soot. Nobody was listening to my Pablo Neruda. It was an awesome poem, assholes.

So Chris and Linda, they're at the Mars talking hut now wondering if maybe the movie's over, right? Maybe the Martians sent all the messages they're going to send and now the movie's over and we can just move on with our lives. But then in walks the Nazi Mr. Calder, who we thought died in the avalanche. And if you're wondering how the protagonists of this movie treat the well-known Nazi war criminal Incredibly welcoming would be the vibe Ha so cool

Can you do us the guinea pig light can you say the guinea pig light? Oh my god We are such big fat. Do not worry. We made sure to give you credit on all of our science stuff We we definitely told everybody we would never steal Scientific credit from a Nazi war criminal just because you electrocuted all those Jews It's really fucking weird. They seem oddly okay with the escaped Nazi war criminals sneaking into the home They share with their children They throw off his vibe cuz he's like you'll probably wonder how I got there. And they're like, we're just glad you're here, man.

And he's like, oh, I have. OK, well, I have a monologue. Boxers or briefs? Boxers or briefs? No, I have a humanity of man is broken. That's kind of my thing. Right. Yeah, right.

Nothing's going to turn lints and wind on quicker than that. But he's like, yeah, well, we were actually, this is so cool. We were actually about to use your hydrogen valve to make a broadcast. You want to watch? And I'm like, I feel like that violates the Aspionage Act too. They interrupt his evil guy monologue, which he will later start again. Yes. Right. He's in the middle of doing it and they're like, I'm so sorry. That sounds great. We're going to do a message. And he's like, oh, yeah, I guess if that did not seem like I was sort of building to a larger point

just now when I was talking and it was my time to talk. So what he's trying to say is that it was him who was sending the messages all the while. But it takes Chris and Linda so long to figure out that's what he's fucking. I was crying with laughter. He's like, he gives them the notebook with all the messages and all the replies. And they're like, this is all the messages, even the ones they didn't decode. And he's like, now you see.

And she's like, no book. And he's like, what did you say? No book. You say the word notebook to me and and and then he's like and and they're like oh wow you said they when they finally figure out they're like oh wow you sent the message was that so that you could create world peace by making everybody think that no i'm not i just explained just now what are you talking about i bounced my stuff off the side of Mars. It's me and I'm evil.

I've said all this. Right, right. Yeah. So he's like, no, now I'm going to destroy the world peace that I accidentally created by telling everybody it was a lie and I made it all up. And Linda, like Linda's like, I'll fucking kill you motherfucker. Linda is so ready to murder right away. It's so funny. He's like, yes, my perfect plan.

And she's like, perfect. And she's doing the throat slit gesture right away. She's just like, oh, cool. So that would probably like kill my children and throw our country into chaos. Hey, does your skull like squoosh under big heavy shit? Just unrelated question. But so but but as Linda's going through the messages, she realizes that, hold on, not all the messages that the aliens sent are here.

The religious messages are nowhere to be found. And Calder's like, well, I thought, didn't you guys just make those ones up? No, you guys did those ones. The US government obviously did that. That's exactly what they would do. Right. She's like, no, it was God. And he's like, no, you're, oh my god, you're dumb. Ever since my transmitter got broken, there's been nothing. You get how that means I'm the one doing it. She's like, unless they picked up where you left off. But they didn't because there haven't been any

more messages. They would have. Okay, so to be clear, I just want to clarify. Is the plot of this movie that the Martians saw a Nazi tricking the Americans that there were Martian things and they're like, oh, fuck, a Nazi's pretending to be us guys. We have to call them. You know how that like Katy Perry had to call that guy who was on catfish and be like hey You're not talking to me on Instagram the Martians had to do that with us What but it's even dumber it's even dumber than that. It's God doing that

It's actually God and he and God decided to do it like pretty subtle He was like I'll just insert one little text in here. They'll figure it out. Whatever. Right. Yeah. You guys are picturing God, Jesus trying to set up God's telegraph machine. What channel do I need to know?

Oh God. Just tell me what you know. No, show me. I'm going to put a Post-It note on it. On the screen? You're going to put a Post-It note on the screen. Yes. That way I know where to click.

I'm going back to Earth. So yeah, so as as Calder's giving his final evil monologue about how God beat Lucifer, but he's beaten God, that's an actual line in it. Chris is surreptitiously loosening the hydrogen valve and filling the room with highly flammable hydrogen. Sorry, you were saying about the Satan. Yeah, you're the Satan guy. What are you doing right now? That's loud. Nothing. I'm fucking the desk. I'm just fucking. This is a very fucking... Just fucking the desk. Linda's crying, aren't you honey?

Do you want me to like look away at my notes for a minute? No. So yeah, so he's like the media will be here in just a minute. I told him to come at 9 30 so in two minutes I'll reveal my evil plot to the world and I'll destroy world peace. And Chris is like great Linda do you want to go check on the kids and see if they're their camera ready or whatever and get the fuck out of here? But Calder won't let her go. Right. And this is the awesome ending because they're're both like, oh, we can't go. Well, I guess it's smoking time, don't you think, honey?

Yeah, right. She's like, well, give me a cigarette. Let me light a cigarette. And he's like, well, no, because now you're here. And she's like, doesn't fucking matter. So yeah, so they realized that they're going to have to sacrifice themselves to save the tenuous piece that his false messages have created.

Okay, but she's why is she insisting on holding the cigarette the whole like she commits to the cigarette part of this bit the whole time as if like it couldn't just be light, the match or the lighter. Well, right. Even after he figures it out, you know, she's like, no, I just I really want to know I want to say I get it. You loosen the hydrogen valve and you're going to blow us up. No, I want a cigarette.

Okay. Do you actually want to stick now? It seems like you might want a cigarette. But right as they're just about to light it, God calls. This is so stupid. Hey, hey, sorry. Was on the shitter. Turns out it has to be channel three on both. I don't even know what both are, but here I am.

Okay. Don't, Facebook cannot steal my photos. And. Nice. But yeah, so God called, they get a transmission and they're like, see, it was Jesus the whole time. And Calder can't believe it. So he shoots at them and everything explodes.

Yeah. So it could have been good, but they decided against it. So then we so we get the president addressing the nation after the explosion. Right. He says there will be no more Mars messages. And I'm like, I feel like there could be, though. I feel like maybe we put some time and effort into keeping that communication up. But apparently we're all good here on Earth. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's just like, you know, apparently that's all God had to say.

Which is weird, because in like this world, I don't think women can even can just barely even fucking vote. They can't even have their own credit cards. Yeah, this is fucked up. This is fucked up. He goes, their last message, which is incomplete, was you have done well. My good dot dot dot blank. Yeah. Pretty important blank there. Yeah. Also, how would they know what the first half of the message?

Everything got blown up. How would they even fucking know? But yeah, but the potus is like, you know, look, you know, Chris and Linda are dead. They're like the new Jesuses now because they gave their lives or something, but everybody's going to church So how bad could it possibly be? Exactly. The important thing is that everyone's Christian now and then Admiral Guy comes over to the kids who are sitting in the corner of the White House and goes you lucky boy Yes, your parents blew up. You're so lucky for that.

Are the orphan kids adopted by the president of the United States? Yeah, by the United States. They're like our of America's official kids. I love to, because then the admiral takes them over to the window and they all look out the window. They look up at heaven. Apparently they're looking at mom and dad in heaven. And then the end comes on the screen, they look up at heaven. Apparently they're looking at mom and dad in heaven. And then the end comes on the screen except it says, the beginning. The beginning motherfuckers. You fuck out of here. Okay, to be clear, the movie is saying

that God, Christian God of the universe, let the Nazi torture scientist do a whole scheme. Also allowed the entire Holocaust before this. And then that. And then God finally hopped in to send like two text messages about him being God. That's what happened? Is the plot of the movie. And everyone lived happily ever after except the dead people. Apparently.

Wow. I like to think God's just bad at math and didn't understand the pie thing. And it was like, I'm going to wait. I'll hop in late. This is over my head. They'd said there'd be no math. And well, I guess that's going to do it for our review of red planet Mars. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to chase our

tails again next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Jamie is a power player in the boardroom but is falling apart at the thought of becoming a mom. A silent prayer is answered when an angel intervenes and fast forwards her life. Can Jamie learn to trust God and find her new purpose? Janey learned to trust God and find her new purpose? We'll be watching an unlikely angel. All right, so with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode 455 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors

that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash godawful, and thereby earn early access to an ad-free version of every episode. You should especially do that right now during Matri-on, when you can also make us get fucking coffee enemas and stuff. You can also help with this. Get fucking coffee enemas

is on the list, people. You can make that happen. Cameo. No, you didn't. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Scathing Idiot, Citationated D&D Minus and The Sceptic Rat available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email God of Movies at gmail.com. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slotting and gave you the drafts on Mars.

All the other music was written and performed by our junior Martin Kirk and was used with permission. Audorio. I said Audorio, but you know, thank you. I was going to be on the subject of this one. Fine. Breathe that right, Eli Bosniak. I have no elusions promising to work hard to earn another check next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with a Breakfast Glove Close. God is typing a message right now. You can see the dot dot dot. Just give it another minute. Oh, three dots. Stuart grew up to be the crazy rich guy from Contact, shared universe. The religious wars over what came after my good dot dot dot killed 800 million people and led to several oppressive theocracies I should probably tell you, as of 6.14 PM yesterday, I actually have the high scores on all 120 high score boards on arcade mode in swarm two. Oh, you know, if anybody asks, yeah, you knew me before. So he might miss a couple of shows while he's fucking.

I was gonna say he might miss a couple of shows because he's drowning in pussy. Yeah, right. No, exactly. Exactly. You never know. All right. Exactly. You never know. All right. Sorry.

The swarm groupie scene is. Well, the swarm two groupie scene. Yeah, it's very. Yeah. If you like older chicks, the swarm. Is the way to go. Heath. Heath. What? Welcome back. Get on it. I count fast. I felt like my count was fast. Keith. Keith? What? Welcome back. Get on it.

Did I count fast? I felt like I was fast. Felt ready. It was good. It was pacey. It was like, you know, Tony Williams taken over the. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That was fucking quick. Keith was fucking quick. Cause I rolled down this motherfucker. I feel like he cheated. I did not. No. I did a fast drag. Instead of using my scroll wheel, I did a full drag.

Yeah, you do the fast drag. You know about where it is. Is hyperlinking illegal? Yes. Great question, but yes. As is leaving your cursor there and just hitting the space bar. That's what I usually do. Yeah.

That's my, that's my go to when I do. Or establishes illegal. Yeah. Interstitial one. You're not allowed to wait at the end of a race. That lady did it. Beat you fuckers. Already.

That's the taking the subway of the race here. All right. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2024 all rights reserved.