God Awful Movies - 456: An Unlikely Angel

Episode Date: May 14, 2024

This week, Cara Santa Maria joins the guys for an atheist review of An Unlikely Angel, which can only be described as a Christian movie times a Hallmark movie. --- Hear Eli interview Cara on her 500th episode: https://www.carasantamaria.com/podcast/ama-eli-bosnick --- Check out the Maytreon goals here: https://elibosnick.wixsite.com/my-site If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

And let me tell you, on the scale of like, sexy thing your wife might wear to send you the I wanna fuck message and things they're willing to show on Pure Flix on the other side of the scale, this is actually a little closer to the former than I expected. No sleeves? Are you kidding? Bear? Shoulders? Yeah, she's wearing a spaghetti strap black dress.

This is fucking, you know how 80s movies were just like, we're doing Bush now. This is the Bush of Pure Flix, Great American Pure Flix. This is Labia Minora in Pure Flix terms. God awful movies. Welcome back to the GameCast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema or else. I'm your host Noah Lutians. Heath's going to be unable to join us this week, but sitting 900 miles to my northeast

is my bad friend Eli Bosnik. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Happy Mother's Day, Noah. It's our Mother's Day episode. Oh, it is, isn't it? Oh, is that? Oh, I get it. Yeah, right, right. Noah, everything just clicked into place for me as well. And that voice you just heard, we're welcoming back guest masochist extraordinaire and host of the Talk Nerdy podcast, Kara Santa Maria. Kara, welcome back.

Yeah. I'm back. Is better than the last thing we made you watch. Was it? Is it? Is that in many ways higher quality? Yeah, right. Right. It's better lit, better camera. Yeah. So tell us, Kara, what will we be breaking down today?

Yeah, I always forget to write this part, so I'm going to wing it. What the hell was that movie? Well, it's called An Unlikely Angel. And when I first Googled it, apparently that's also a Dolly Parton movie from the 80s, so that was confusing. It's the story of a woman who has a creepy angel that makes her die twice so that she can be born again. Nice! Not bad for improv.

Yeah. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the absolute grocery store of It's a Wonderful Life rip-offs Christian Cinema has given us, but you are looking for something a little more directly in support of the patriarchy, you will love this movie. Yep. Yep.

And can I say I didn't love it. It was not a frame of this movie that I enjoyed. This was a Hallmark movie times a Christian movie. This was awful squared and I hated every second of it. Didn't quite have the feminism of the Hallmark brand. No, but I agree with you, Noah. Like when you welcomed me to the show and I grumbled, this is because at least the last film I watched was so bad, it was good. Right. Yeah.

You know, this one was just so bad. Yep. So bad. I was there was a point in the movie, I'm gnawing my leg off to escape. And I'm like, oh, wait, that doesn't help at all Fuck one of the reasons why this movie is so painful to watch is every second of this movie is Predictable and yet it somehow takes forever Yeah happen. You're just sitting there being like and then this is gonna happen and this is gonna happen And it's gonna happen and it does and it does but for some reason there's just like minutes long scenes where characters talk about pancake batter. It's fucking awful.

Yes, if a whole movie could be filler it would be this fucking movie. It is like you remember how Gilmore Girls always opened their scenes with like these really quick banters back and forth about whatever the two actors were holding. I don't remember anything about Gilmore Girls. I do. I remember that. Okay. Thank you. Holding me in the light. Carys and Maria. Appreciate it. This movie is just the banters. There's no plot. They never get to the point. Yeah, but they're not Sorkin-esque, you know what I mean? No.

The banter's not good. It's just, it's bad, it's slow, bad banter. Written by a man. It's so fucking bad. Clearly written by a man. It was a woman who wrote order, at least a- No! At least a credit was, I thought the same thing. There were several scenes where I was like,

oh, some dude wrote this. I checked, it was the fucking, it was a, at the very least they found a woman that was willing to take credit for it. Yikes. Yep. Yikes. I need her to get into therapy. And also, let me make a bolder claim. She should get a divorce. I don't know if she's married. I don't know

who she is. I found out she's a woman six seconds ago. She should get a divorce. I agree. That's correct. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah. For me, hands down, best, worst, creepy mansplaining angel. Sure. Did not like that guy. I almost went with most useless angel. And we've seen a lot of really useless angels, but this is the close we get to one who's like just jerking off while you sleep.

Yeah. All right. So I was going to go with best, worst grandpa. The guy who plays the grandpa in this movie. There was a point in the movie where I'm just like, is this guy like a fucking ex athlete or something that they talked into being into this? Because he's just all big and dumb and smiling ear to ear, just excited to be in the movie. I looked it up. He's not, he's an actor. This is a fucking Flash Gordon. This is the guy who played Flash Gordon in

1980 where they had to dub a different dude's voice over because he got no fight with the producer or whatever. So like he's a legit actor. He's been doing TV his whole fucking life. This guy looks so awkward and uncomfortable in front of a camera that I assumed it had to be somebody they tricked into doing this. Yeah, my very first note about him is I am so glad to see they're finally including Frankenstein monsters in the cinema world. You know, because they've had non-Frankensteins representing Frankensteins on screen for so long. It's so nice to see them represent themselves.

I didn't think he was that bad. I think he was like, I think he was hemmed in like, like, what's the word I'm looking for? Hamstrung, I think is the word by that terrible apron they put on him in almost every story. That might have affected his acting. He couldn't act around that apron. I get it. Couldn't give him the full flash, as he calls it.

And I'm going to go with best worst monogamy. Okay, so Noah, as the only Monago on this podcast, you're going to take a lot of heat. I hope you're ready to stand up for our happily married listeners because I would argue most of the tension of this movie is toxic monogamy. Oh yeah. For some reason, I would say 20 minutes into this movie, which has a very clear patriarchal purpose about you shouldn't work too hard or have a career

or do anything except see to the brood that you constantly pump out of your right feet, you are a uterus and nothing else. And yet, 20 minutes in, this movie will take a hard right turn into sexual jealousy will destroy your life and will stay there until it remembers what the movie was about. I'm gonna say eight and a half seconds before the end. Right.

All right, well, the sooner we get through this, the sooner I can purge this piece of shit from my memory. So we're going to keep the break brief and we'll be back in a minute with all the shockingly uneventful events that are an unlikely angel. How about this one? Dude, I said no. Hey, Noah. Who's this?

Oh, this? It's my subscription to this Space Photos website. I signed up for a free trial years ago and now it won't stop bugging me. Look at the moon! Dude, that's not even the moon! It could be the moon. No it couldn't! Noah, if you're dealing with old annoying subscriptions you've been meaning to cancel,

why don't you try Rocket Money? What's Rocket Money? Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so that you can grow your savings. And they'll help me cancel my subscriptions? Absolutely. With Rocket Money, I have full control over my subscriptions and a clear view of my expenses. I can see all of my subscriptions in one place.

And if I see something I don't want, Rocket Money can help me cancel it with a few taps. I love how the dashboard shows me this month's spending compared to last month so I can clearly see my spending habits. Plus, they'll help me create a custom budget and keep my spending on track. But does it really work? It sure does. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in cancelled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's features.

All right, Kara, I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. That's rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. Rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. You hear that? Space photos?

Go hang out with Eli's subscriptions or something. Oh, man. Oh, really? Where are they? We thought it was best that they did not appear on air. Got it. A lot of pictures of women's foot. Hate that.

Okay, you guys ready to record? Sure. Oh, we were actually hoping you might help us out with the matriom spot real quick. Matriom? Yeah, every May we try to ramp up our reminders that folks can support our shows through Patreon. Oh, right. I remember that. Right. And so depending on how many new and upgrading patrons there are, they can hit all kinds of goals, like behind the scenes content, which we already hit, fun stuff for us to do at our patron only pajama party,

live stream, stuff like that. That is fun. Sure. How do I help? Great. Love it. Just love the enthusiasm. Just a little script for you right there. This one right here? Yeah, right there. That's perfect. That orange. Hey, podcast listener, I'm Kara Santa Maria.

And this year for Matri on I'll be smooching every new and upgrading patron right on the mouth. Seriously, you guys. I told him he should run this past you first. No. Seriously, you guys? I told him he should run this past you first. No, is that a no? That feels like a no. Absolutely not.

Would you do that to Heath? Oh, we actually did a fuck tour with Heath. Yeah, no, it had a song and everything. Nope, nevermind, moving on. Okay, yada, yada, yada, matriarch. Okay, here we go. And if you join now, I'll use my doctor degree to prescribe you whatever medication you want.

Eli, that's literally illegal. Come on, doctors do that stuff all the time. Read a documentary. Dope sick. Read Dope Sick. Okay, how many times do I have to tell you guys that I'm not that kind of doctor? Okay, again, no. Let me see here.

I am, no, I'm not introducing anyone to Ben Affleck. Come on! Not a team player. I don't know how to get to the moon. Right, but you probably know someone who knows how to get to the moon. Right? Guys, we don't need all these silly promises.

If people enjoy the show, they can pledge over at patreon.com. They'll get fun rewards and they'll help you guys bring on regular guests like me. That's true, I guess. Yeah, I suppose so. Oh, what about the last one? Hey let me see.

And don't forget one lucky patron will get to pick, you know, plane noise. I don't get it. Plane noise? You know the next 9-11 you do. Why do I keep coming back here? Plane noise. And we're back for the breakdown. We're going to open as we so often do on a series of ever cheaper looking logos.

Right? Mm hmm. This includes the Pinnacle Peak logo. Every time I see that, I'm like, why not Pinnacle Peak Summit Apex? I almost went with best worst production name here. This movie was created by beautiful feet productions Ironically, yeah, I really want that to be a pervert But it's actually way funnier that it's someone who doesn't know and it is 100% Someone who doesn't know I guarantee you if we interviewed those people they'd, well, my mama always said I was a dancer for the Lord.

And I'm going to be like, cool. Do me a favor. Just in front of me right now, Google beautiful feet. Just Google it right now. Right. You give up on God. OK, cool. Good. I assume it had something to do with like washing feet. Yeah, right. Exactly. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. So creepy. Yeah, honestly, that's creepier than Eli's initial version of it. Yeah. So we hope we get our production logos.

We open on the New York City skyline. And let me just on behalf of Heath, get pissed off at Christian movies for using the New York City skyline again. Right. Like, no, God rejected this city and we reject God. Yeah. I wrote my notes. Just remember, when you see someone filming in NYC, they might be filming a great American pure flicks movie. So, you know, get right in that shot.

I also love how like, so in case their audience doesn't recognize the New York city skyline, they keep showing us ever more New York-y thing. They're like, okay, how about the Statue of Liberty? Right? Oh, you don't. The New York cab, right? It says NY right on the side of it. Central Park, anything?

The towers before they fell? I feel like they paid a lot of money for all that stock footage. Or maybe they filmed it themselves. There was a ton of drone footage and really high-end stock footage. Yeah, and we get it for a while. For too long. For too long. But this is probably the highest production value film you guys have forced me to watch.

Oh, right on. Awesome. Yeah. Go David A.R. White. Yeah. Like they have a budget. And my question is, who paid for it, Eli? Well, so Pure Flix and the Country Music Channel are now both owned by the Great American brand, which is why Pure Flix is now Great American Pure Flix.

And Country Music is the Great American something. They're not the Country Music Channel anymore. They is the great American something. They're not the country music channel anymore. They're the great American something something. We talked about their spirit awards, which is the reason that I know it. So, I don't know, it's probably Coke billionaires. It's not going to when I dig down this rabbit hole, I'm not going to find a chill dude who loves Jesus. So we're looking at New York for a while

and then eventually we get this video where God is talking to, and that's what it says on the fucking closed captioning, this is God, he's talking to the angel Gabriel about a new assignment he's got down in New York City. Spoiler right at the beginning in the captions. I know, right? And holy shit, like I wrote my notes notes man is Christian movie writer an easy fucking job Why haven't we just turned to evil and made more money? It's so the dialogue is so clumsy. It's like me trying to introduce this guy. Hello Gabriel. Hello

God, I know Creator of the universe So he says you need to help this woman named to Janey. So we cut to Janey. She's on a rooftop, not feeling great. She's hyperventilating. You know, she's like visibly nervous. Looks like she's going to puke.

Into a hospital emesis bag. Yes. Not sure why. Yep. I had her down as the poor man's Anne Hathaway. She's like, Anne, stay here. Really? Sure.

Sure. Yeah. I don't know. Really? Sure, sure, yeah. I don't know, I think she's hot. Interesting. I mean, she's like, poor man's Anne Hathaway would still be pretty hot, right? Okay, I guess. I don't, I think she's hotter than Anne Hathaway. Really? Yeah. She falls into that sort of like hallmark category of actor who, and I include men, women, children, all of this, which is like, I think they should all be spies because I could not pick them out Of a line up right like gun to my head right now if you were like pick this woman out of a line of ten women

I'd be like shoot just fucking shoot. Make sure you get under the chin They give you prosopag no shot like you didn't have it before Gained face blindness watching this movie for some reason Oliver Sacks can tell this woman from other women, but nobody else. Okay, that's not, it was his subject, but yeah. So yeah. So she drops her bag. That's not how I remember that book I didn't read. And we follow the bag off the roof,

sort of Forrest Gump feather style, eventually landing on the windshield of a car. This is not just any car, this is the one that Gabe, the angel is driving. Yeah, but we're not really supposed to know that yet, right? I think we are. I don't know. I mean, the subtitles ruined it because he, we see God and Gabe and then it's the same voice and he looks at the bag and looks up at heaven and is like, well, I am not a perceptive movie. Well, I didn't watch it with subtitles.

So I just see a dude in a cool classic car with a puke bag landing on his roof that then he touches. Eww. Right? Yeah. Eww. Would you touch a puke bag in New York City? He's talking.

I wouldn't touch anything in New York City. It was really honest. I was going to say, yeah. I don't want my gloves. But yeah, but apparently that's God sending him the message that that's where he has to go to help Janey. So we go back to Janey on the rooftop with her assistant Connie trying to like talk her up telling her she has to go back into that business meeting and high-powered business at everyone.

Yes. Right. Connie's mean too. Like mean. She like gives her shit about her makeup. She's like, girl, your mascara is running. No it isn't. But her makeup was perfect. Yes. Yeah. I think this was supposed to be sassy black friend, but they weren't brave enough to tell this actress of color,

like, you know, to them. And so this actress was like, I'm not going to be a racial stereotype for you. I'm going to play this part straight. And they were like, no, be like, girl. She's like, sorry, what was the line? Meaning you want me to do? Stereotype for you. I'm going to play this part straight and they were like no be like Also, and we have to establish this really quick because she says like she's pregnant Oh, right, and she says I'm not nervous about the business meeting. I'm nervous about my daughter. How will I raise a daughter? I was never a girly girl. I don't know anything at all about being a girl, right? Yeah, she's scared because she doesn't understand femininity.

Right, now that's gonna be important. You have to remember that for later in the movie when this movie doesn't remember that. When the opposite of that is true. Yeah, that's very important. Yeah. But Connie's like, I don't know, what about that thing on your desk

that says when you don't know what to do, just pray about it? And she's like, I don't know what about that thing on your desk that says when you don't know what to do, just pray about it. And she's like, I don't know how to pray. And I'm like, this is not why is why did you have it on your desk? Yes. So fucking dumb. So stupid. Aspirational. You had an aspirational thing played from Hobby Lobby on your desk.

How hard can it be? That's how that works, I think. So but Gabe pulls up in his like fucking awesome car. Yes, like this classic 1950s. I don't know cars well enough to tell you what it is, but it's gorgeous. It's badass. There's a shot where there's this doctor buying a bike stroller attachment thing. We throw a kid on the back of your bike and ride him around.

And he buys that and then Gabe shows up and he's like, I'm your Uber driver. But for some reason they don't say Uber. Yeah. I don't think you need permission to say Uber, do you? No, because I feel like there's other times in this movie where they say brands. Yeah. Yes. It's like it's something specific about Uber. What is guide ride though? That's the worst. They're so fucking stupid because that's this idiot writer trying to come up with their own Uber. But like maybe I got me thinking, but like maybe Uber is sinful and it's un-Christian to promote it. Well, to be fair, like a lot of women are sexually assaulted in Uber. Well, there's a lot of bad shit about Uber.

Oh, I would love for the people at Great American Pure Flicks to care about sexual assault. I promise you that's not it. I'm not sure of much in this here laugh of ours. But also there's this great moment because this this writer is so inept. What she wants to do is she wants to have this like the angel subtly hint that maybe he knows more about what's going on than meets the eye, right? So he turns to this guy, this doctor, as he's loading the thing into his car. And he's like, so you're the kind of guy who likes to take life as it comes. Aren't you? And David is just floored by this horoscopic drivel. He's like, how would you know that about me?

Get out of my head, mine melder. All right. So meanwhile, Janey is showing up in the boardroom ready to girl boss Adam, right? Yeah, this is the first one, not the first, but this is where it's really reinforced that this movie hates women. Oh yeah, yeah. No, it's just like get that over and over. Very clear at this point.

So Marcus is the big boss. He's wearing a silly hat and he's playing video games on his phone with the volume up because he don't care. He's that kind of boss, right? What was this movie? Let me just take a moment because we're going to cut on this a million times. Marcus is always doing something fun, childlike. What does the movie want me to know about Marcus that affects the movie in any way?

Well they make him kind of the bad guy later. Yeah. Yes! But he's not bad? It never affects his character. He never behaves. I would like a boss who's fun. Yeah.

Yeah. No, I have a boss who plays video games all the time. You gave me a little dinosaur mask. I'd run around in it. But yeah. Yeah. I have a boss who plays video games all the time. You gave me a little dinosaur mask. I'd run around in it. But yeah. Yeah. I don't understand who we're supposed to like and not like in this movie. It's all very confusing.

Well, I think there's a sort of an effort to like make it so that you don't dislike anybody too much for grandma not to be comfortable watching them on the screen. Oh, there are people I do not like in this movie. We'll get there. We'll get there. We'll get there. Okay. All right. Anyway, so this is like a toy company that she works at and everybody's pitching their

new ideas. So we open up with a guy pitching a fucking a doll that has a broom and a dust pan. Yeah, he's pitching a line of housekeeper dolls. Patriarchy dolls. Like domestic servitude dolls. And this is this movie going like, see, that's the kind of thing that they're trying to sell to girls. But Janie is progressive or whatever.

Like that's the message they're trying to send. But of course, they're so goddamn conservative that the progressive can't be progressive. So Janie stands up afterwards. Apparently, he's her opening fucking act or whatever. And she's like, you're wrong. Let me do my meeting. And I'm like, I feel like you should build up

your coworkers rather than tearing them down like that. Yeah, well, she takes over his slideshows. Yes, right. Which means that's not how PowerPoint works. You can't just be the person standing up and then the next two slides are about your pitch instead of the other guy. It's actually me hitting the buttons,

so it does my stuff now. And she does this super tired version of girl power shoot-em-ups. My friends, my brothers, my countrymen. This movie was made in 2022. Yep. We figured out that the like, girls can punch balls too, was tired in 1907. We were like, we get it. Rosie the Riveter. She has a job. 1907. Eli's very confused about his timeline.

Rosie the Riveter. She's like, no, we've got to make girls badass, which is why I came up with the idea for Girl Power Extreme. It's a video game where you have the ability to shoot aliens with a laser or a gun. And I'm like, wow, a video game where you have, you shoot aliens with multiple guns, it's so crazy, it just might work, right? Well, this one's for girls because it starts out as a pajama party. The problem with Halo and all those games

is that girls were like, I understand, why am I on a spaceship? I need to be striking other girls playfully with a pillow until we collapse into each other's arms and maybe kiss for the first time. This game makes no sense. Also, I'm sorry, this is a minor thing, but it just drove me nuts through the whole fucking movie.

At the bottom of the promo that she's giving it says is this girl power extreme version four. She's pitching this idea for the first fucking time. This is version zero. Wait, do you think? OK, it's going to be a spoiler alert. But do you think because later when she sees this poster of Girl Power Extreme version four, they just didn't want to make another poster? Yes. Well, that's exactly because it's going to be version four like six years on.

And they'll still be versioning the version four. Fucking worked, apparently. No, what it is is to be version 4 like six years on and it'll still be version 4. The version 4 fucking worked apparently. No, what it is is that they- So you wouldn't notice? They know that video games have version numbers on them sometimes, but they don't know what that means. That's what's happening here. I love that so goddamn much.

Diane used her one week trial of Canva Pro to make this image. Exactly, that's what I think happened. And we ain't paying $21.99 a month. OK, we gave up on our Etsy store. That's what I did to watch this movie. I downloaded, I paid for the free trial of Pure Flix and then canceled it. Immediately. Yep. That's what we did as well. Yep. Great American Pure Flix, Carol, please.

Yeah, right. Sorry. Sorry. So but Marcus is impressed. He loves this and I want to know what fuck kind of company are they in where in the same department one guy is pitching a line of dolls and the other person is pitching a video game. Right. They just switch gears real quick and somehow everybody who works there just has lots of different skills. I guess.

Yeah. Some of it was including coding video games at a certain point. Next guy gets up spaghetti. All right. So, OK, so she gets home, she gets back to her apartment. We get her and her husband. This is David. He's the doctor that was buying the thing earlier, of course. Which means, by the way, that the first thing that God had Gabriel do to help Janey when

he was sent to Earth from heaven was give her husband a ride home. Yeah. So he can get his... Mysterious ways. Yeah, I guess so. Like who... It's like these people also don't know about children. Like the first thing you buy is not a thing to ride your kid behind you on a bike.

To off-road with your baby. Yeah, right. Like you need baby shit first. Yeah. So they come in, they they she gets home and David, the husband is like, hey, I finished painting the baby's room. Come on in. So they go in and she starts crying about how inept she's going to be as a mother and how she doesn't know what she's doing and she's super duper nervous about it, etc. And I love this scene because we see it in every I'm Not Ready to Be a Mom

Christian movie, right? Because they can never admit the real reasons why women aren't ready to be moms, right? Financial instability, unsupportive partners, the patriarchy, right? All that's it. So it's always just a businesswoman who's like, where does the bottle go? Yes! who's like, where does the bottle go? Yes. But of course, David's really excited. He knows exactly what to do. Over and over again, this movie will explain that David's going to be fine because he knows that you should just take it one day at a time.

That's the most meaningless fucking phrase. That's the only option. You can't take Wednesday and Thursday together this week. What the fuck are you even talking about? So like, what is the message about David? Because as this movie evolves, David is garbage, but they're trying to make him the good guy, right? Oh, Kara, they don't know he's garbage.

That's the thing. It's so funny. Right, so they think David is like, mom and dad rolled into one. Right, yeah, he's the perfect man. He's just a super dad. Yeah, because he's a doctor, and doctors are good at dadding.

And he didn't fuck anyone while his wife was in a coma. I mean, spoilers. We'll get there, we'll get there. I mean, huge spoilers, but he's such a good guy. He clearly did though. He's such a good guy. Yeah, right, right, yeah. He didn't dump a load into a lady

while his wife was asleep with major brain damage. That's how cool he is, Kara. The literal lowest bar possible. Oh, yeah. All right. But I have to point out this line because we've been ripping on this writer a little bit already, and I want to I want the audience to understand that she fucking deserves it. This is an actual line from the movie. As Janie is talking about how bad she's going to a mom. She says and I quote I'm a business woman not a baby woman

Mm-hmm Jesus fucking I relate to that though. I relate to her very much now Did I buy a business woman not a baby woman calm and make it cares new website? Businesswoman not a baby woman.com and make it cares new website There we go, I don't know unironically I feel her I am a businesswoman I'm not a baby woman I get it. Well, there you go. I get it So okay, so but she shows up it works that work the next day things are going great They want to do her girl power extreme thing and just as the boss is telling her that her water breaks extreme thing.

And just as the boss is telling her that her water breaks. I often judge how sexist the movie is by how much water they think a water breaking is. Right. Right. Like if they dump a five gallon bucket on the floor underneath an actress, that's how I know no one associated

with this movie has ever spoken to, let alone met a woman. Well, and and how the people standing near her react when it happens. Did you notice that everybody just looked at her like she was gross? Like she just shat on the floor. Yeah. Right. Like not a single person was like, how are you? Are you OK? Can I help?

Or like, I know that this is a lot. Yeah. Do you need to say, let me grab you a seat. Let me grab you a chair. You know, they all just looked at her like, ew. Everyone's like, party foul. Yeah, do you need to say let me grab you a seat. Let me grab you a chair. You know, they all just looked at her Like everyone's like party foul The scene opens with her feeling unwell and her assistant goes how far apart She doesn't say like are you having no did someone pop a water balloon? Like does the writer know what a contraction? Cheney's answer is insane. She's like I should know shouldn I? I'm like, well, yeah, you should probably would have noticed.

Yeah. Or so. But she doesn't say I'm having she says, I don't feel well. It's so weird. So so they go downstairs. They're they're trying to get her a cab or whatever. They call a guide ride. Gabe's guide ride. Yep. Gabe shows up the instant that they order him.

Oh, because that's magic, Because he's a fucking angel. Right. Exactly. None of this made sense to me at this point. I was like, who is this creepy guy? It's very unlikely that he would be an angel, isn't it? Someone up in heaven's job was to be like, no, you got to block all the other riders on guide rides so that Gabe could picture her. Yeah, right. Stupid. Sorry.

Well, and then without even saying, hey, I'm your guide ride driver or whatever, he just walks up, grabs her arm and starts putting her into his car. He kidnaps her to the hospital. Wait, wait, Connie, her assistant is just like, yeah, I don't know who you are, but fuck yeah, get in this car. Now I'm done dealing with you. It's your problem. Strange man ushering us into a car.

Nothing could go wrong. Yeah. And you know what happens is the whole drive to the hospital, he mansplains motherhood to her. Yes! What is this scene? She's like, I don't think I only want to have one baby. He's like, don't say that. You know, the miracle of childbirth.

She's like, can you fucking imagine you're giving birth in the middle of this fucking asshole's car in Manhattan traffic, and he decides he wants to tell you his life philosophy. And I can tell you, I can't imagine it. I can't tell you how many times that I can't have kids and I never wanted kids, but how many times people have told me, don't worry, you'll find out a way to have kids. You'll do it.

You'll believe in it. It's so infuriating. I wrote in my notes, I would say being lectured by an Uber driver in platitudes while you're giving birth isn't real, but I have been in an Uber. So this actually all tracks for me. I have met men. So yes, yeah, right. So and also in and out of hoopers.

There's also this creepy ass fucking moment where he's like, so your husband is a resident at Murray Hill, huh? The hospital. And now again, this is this writer trying to do that. Oh, he knows more than he should, but like. But that's creepy. Right, well she should guess as, oh my God, you're a creepy stalker

that's just kidnapped me while I'm in labor. Yeah. Right, wouldn't that be the assumption? But instead she's like, huh, weird. Yeah. I'll work that out later. Right, right, yeah, yeah. I'll file that away in the back of my mind

So then we cut like mid fucking sentence of that scene to her the baby's born They didn't want to go through a whole fucking childbirth thing. Whatever the baby's born They're handing the baby's born in six months old, right and they're handing it to her. Yeah, it's a very large hairy baby 45 year old baby From 1907, yeah. So, but then Janie's holding the baby, she's like, I don't know how to hold the baby. Oh my God, am I supposed to swing it from the feet?

Like the camera chicken? This bit is so long. The male actor is like, you gotta do that quicker. The music. The music in this scene is like, dum, dum, dum, dum, diddley diddley doo. It's given real sneaking downstairs at Christmas vibes. Yeah.

It's so stupid. The music might as well have been AI. It was so fucking bad throughout the... And so generic and anodyne. It's very bad and very cartoony. But like in this scene, again, I'm constantly at a loss with these movies because I'm doing that thing where I'm trying to mentalize what they're trying to do, but it never lands, right? So in this scene, I hate David, the dad. Hate him.

He's awful. But I think they're trying to make him the good guy. Yeah, they think he's the good guy. So what happens is she's like, I just had a baby. I have horrific postpartum. I'm freaking out. I don't know how to hold it. And he's like, Jesus, lady, support its head. Just hold the fucking hand.

Oh my God. He says relax multiple times and he takes the baby, but he can't communicate. Instead of like actually calmly being like, this is what I would do or this is how I was taught. He's like, how do you not get this? Right. Yeah. He seems like they're going to be riding in the car and he's going to be like, I'm sorry, I just have to say you were a little pissy right after you had pushed

the baby out of your vagina. And I just, if you wanted to apologize now before we get home, I am ready to accept your apology. Also, can we have sex yet? Yeah, but what we're supposed to take from that from that scene is She is an unfit mother. Yep, and he is dad of the year. He's the best Yep, that is exactly the what their movie is selling us. I hate this. He let her be a Hysterical woman and didn't punch her once Not even open-'t even fuck the nurse. Can you believe it? Right?

Yes. If she died right there in that moment, he wouldn't come on any part of her, her sleeping unconscious body. Not one of it. Jesus. Because he's a hero. 9-11. You know this is the kind of guy who asks for an extra fucking stitch, right?

No question. Yes. No question. Even though that's largely mythical, he's the one trying to make it real. Yeah, exactly. He's trying to make it happen. So they're leaving the hospital. She's in the wheelchair. She gets a phone call from work and her husband is like,

do you really need to take that phone call right now in the middle of like taking the baby out? And I'm thinking like, you know, it's probably your fucking mom or some shit. You know, let her take her fucking phone call. But no, it's work and it's a work emergency. She needs to go to work right now to set things straight. OK, this is what they came up with for the work emergency. It's so stupid. Thank you. The lead, the lead of the video game.

What? Right. Best case scenario, she means lead developer. But the lead, that's the word she says. Wait, I have to interject here. She just had the baby. When did her water break? Couldn't have been more than 48 hours ago. Right. He says it was 12 hours ago that she had the baby. So I don't know if he's talking about like the actual birth.

But yeah, right. She just pitched this this video game and the next day, her water broke. Yeah. So let's keep that clear. OK, go on. Right. So her water broke. But the lead of Pajama Party Alien Fight is demanding double pay.

Double pay! It's her job as the toy pitchman to negotiate that person's pay. Right, there's no HR department. There's no blood. The writer just needed a single throwaway line about any emergency at work that might be something she'd have to deal with, and that's what they come up with. It's so dumb.

It's bad. Also, look, they couldn't get a baby for two scenes, right? No T, no shade. This baby is so obviously fake. It's a two by four wrapped in a pink blanket. And they just keep flashing that it's not a baby. And she's smothering it to death against her chest, by the way. Oh, no, it's wrapped like a fucking Chipotle burrito.

Yeah, well, it's literally in foil. I don't even get this either. She's in the wheelchair. She's like, I got to go to work, stands up and walks out of the scene. And it's like, how's her baby going to eat? Right. Right. She just passes the baby off and she's like, you got to go to work, stands up and walks out of the scene. And it's like, how's her baby going to eat? Right? Right? He just passes the baby off and she's like, you deal with this shit.

I got, I got work to do. And wouldn't you know it, Gabe is waiting right there with his schmoober or whatever. Right? So she gets in Gabe's car, they're heading to work. She's on the phone with Connie and, and Gabe is telling her as she's having this conversation that he's an angel Sent by God to help her Look think about how bad a writer you have to be to be yes. He's got to say it. I'm sorry I just you know, I'm done with all the clever hinting. I've already included in this movie

I just there have been so many beautiful subtle realizations that I've put into this film. I just want to make sure that someone in, you know, their fourth or fifth year of a coma would understand what's happening. Can we also, can we just take a moment to talk about the fact that like, why does this woman need help from an angel? Right. She has massive first world problems. Well, the thing is, is that every problem in this movie is completely solved if you live in a fucking worldview where it's okay for the mother to be the primary wage earner and the father to be a stay at home parent. That's the solution to all their fucking problems.

It is, but I get that he's a medical resident. But that's the thing that bugs me more than anything. I totally get the horrible sexist shit of this movie. But they're fucking privileged. Right, they're rich. They have money. They're rich. They're a doctor and an advertising executive

with a brownstone in New York. Exactly. Like they're fine. Like she's got a little bit of stress. And I'm not saying it's not stressful to be a new mom. I have a lot of friends who are new moms and I see how stressful it is for them. Aren't there, like, people who would actually need angels in this world?

Yes! That was the thing, right? Look, if the angel was there to, like, help her through the first nights until the baby learns to sleep, I'd be like, all right, good job, God. But to be clear, this angel, as we're about to learn, is here to put her into a coma so that she can learn the values of motherhood. Yes, and he does it in the most violent

and PTSD-inducing way you can imagine. Does he? Yeah, because she's just like, wait, you're an angel sent to help me? I think that's a bunch of nonsense. And he like gets into a car accident with her. Intentionally. She's like, you need to take that street there. And he's like, oh, do I? I think that's a bunch of nonsense and he like gets into a car accident with her intentionally Yeah, she's like you need to take you need to take that street there and he's like, oh do I and like

Turns the wheel and wrecks the car. Yeah into an oncoming truck. Yeah But he does it weirdly winky and angelic Yeah, like usually when an angel does this they like tap you on the shoulder and you wake up in your warm bed to the new husband. You don't recognize and he's like, oh, you've got a lot to learn. So he said they get to a rake. She wakes up in the hospital and she's just surrounded by a hilarious number of clues that she's been unconscious for several years. Yeah, there's a calendar with all the days. X out and the calendars titled of her husband and the kid from last week.

Days my wife has been in a coma. Right, everywhere around her. Now, Kara, as a medical doctor, when you wake up from a coma that has been, it's eight years? Six years. Six years. When you wake up from a six-year coma, it's chill, right? You're just like, you're ready to, you kind of got to do a little, and then you're good. Okay.

Then you just start wandering around. I do not have expertise in this, but I do work at a hospital, not a physician. I am a psychologist in a hospital. I will tell you, like, wouldn't she have been intubated or at least had an IV in her arm? Like, she didn't have... Was she just like pooping into the bed there? She was just sleeping. Yeah, right, right. Yeah was she just like pooping into the bed there? She was just sleeping.

Yeah, right, right. Yeah, she was just sleeping with no monitors on her at all. Nothing at all. It's very strange. And yeah, she woke up with a full face of makeup. She did. No muscle wasting whatsoever. Totally fine.

I don't even know what that is. Yeah, she looked happy. Like she just, it was a very refreshing coma she had. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Very relaxing. Yeah, and there's a nurse right there when she very refreshing coma she had. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Very relaxing. Yeah, and there's a nurse right there when she wakes up and she's like, oh great, you're up, and then leaves. A six year coma ends and she's like, chill,

I'm actually ending my shift. Right, actually right now it's my 15s. Push your little button thing and a lady will come by. Well, to be fair, that is probably the most accurate. I'm not gonna be. So then we get like this establishing shot of some small town where they are or whatever. And we cut to David and the daughter who's now like six years old. She's the actress is like 10, but she's supposed to be six.

I'm obsessed with this little girl. She's awesome. Actually, I don't think the actress is like 10. You don't think so? I think she's actually quite young and just really precocious. Maybe eight. Not at acting, but maybe precocious in other ways. I disagree.

I actually think this little girl's a really good actress. What? I thought she was the strongest actor in the movie. Yeah, she's the strongest actor in the movie. But there are several times where this girl has to be sad and she literally just puts her hands on her face. Yeah, that's what little kids do when they're pretending to be sad. You wanted real tears?

Did you want real tears from the doctor? I want real tears. I want some SVU level acting, please. Here's the thing. In this scene, when we cut to the small town where it's, I now understand that it was supposed to be Janie's husband Dave, that's his name right, or David. David, yeah. And Janie's dad in the kitchen.

I thought that Dave moved on quick and had a really adorable gay relationship now. Yeah. So that's not that quick. Like it felt very hot gay dad to me. Right? The six years, that's not very quick. Six years. Well, six years is a long time to like completely switch. It's a quick time to like switch teams and like. Okay. Yeah. All right. Not for me. It was a whole new lifestyle. Maybe not. I don't know. Don't you judge me, Kara Santa Maria. But yeah,

that's sadly not it. Cause they were a very cute couple. They were. Turns out they were not a couple. No, but he gets a call from the hospital. They tell him that JD's awake and he can come see her. Right. So he goes to the hospital to see her daughter and grandpa come with, but they're going to hang back while he has the preliminary conversation. Now what no one does is walk into the goddamn room and say, you've been in a coma for six years.

Yeah, they sure don't. They sure don't. No medical personnel tells any actually they don't tell him that either. They don't say, Hey, she doesn't know anything. No, we haven't told her Yeah, but we'd let you surprise her. Yeah, so he goes and he starts talking to his wife She hasn't figured out that it's been six years Which is weird because she has the same clues that we have and we figured out there's a picture of him of David

Standing next to like a six-year-old girl right next door. She looked at that picture thought Oh, it's a picture of my husband and some rando kid I've never met. Wait, but like what I love is that you're like stressed about the fact that she hasn't figured it out. Like, of course she wouldn't figure it out. She just woke up like it was yesterday. You don't think you look over and you see a picture of your husband

with like a six year old kid and think maybe that's our kid? No, no, we don't live in the movies. Like this is a real life. I'm so sorry. She lives in the movies. Thank you. No illusions.

She's in the movie. When somebody wakes up from a fucking coma and they lose six years of the light of their life and somebody even if somebody overtly looks them in the eyes and says you have been unconscious for the last six years, you'd be like, nope, not possible. I think I'd figure it out. I feel like you're picking a weird hill to die on, Kara. Psychologically, this is really, really intense thing

to try and understand. How are you guys not seeing this? Because it's not funny. This is a comedy show. Your part is not funny. Ours is funny. Thank you, Kara. Stop blaming her.

A lot of coma victims get sexually assaulted by staff. You were talking about that, Kara. It's really common. Stop blaming her. I blame her all I want. This movie is about how she should be a baby slave. I'm allowed to make fun of her coma. The reason she doesn't know what the fuck is going on is because nobody told her. And then he comes in and he's like, by the way, this is what happened. And then she's like, wait, what? I need time to process this. And he's like, we'll talk about it later.

Yeah, no, no. It's so funny. Very bad communicator. He's like, you've been in a coma and she's like, wow, this is so... And you're gone. Wow, you left the room. Okay. So yeah, so but the gramps and the daughter come in and the daughter, like, understandably is like, you know, this this woman that she's never

actually met, but is known about her whole life. She she like Caesar. Janie says hi and she gets nervous and runs out of the room. Yeah. Normal kid behavior. Yeah. Right. Right. I obviously, Janie's like, well, fuck, she hates me. I guess I'm done being a mother now. All right, we tried. But I do feel like that's also normal mom behavior. So OK. I think the abnormal behavior.

I have to like erase all the jokes that criticize Jamie out of my. Thank you. I was with the Jamie Defense our star in Canter Santa Maria. I'm telling you, the abnormal behavior here is the men and the looks they're giving. I'm going to mess with you so bad if you're ever in a coma, Karen. I'm going to show up dressed as a clown and be like, we've always dressed like this. These are hills I'm willing to die on.

What bothers me about this scene more than anything else is that she's got her mom's Bible next to her that she's reading, but it looks like a refrigerator manual. Yeah. It does, yeah. Why is it only like 100 pages long? What the fuck Bible? They cut out all the Jew partners. So that's actually what they do with the Gideon Bible,

is the Bible with all the Jewish stuff cut out. Yikes. So he goes, David chases the kid down. And that leaves Grandpa there with with Janie. And they have this conversation where she's like wow you know this really seems like a real bummer and he's like ah get over it you know he's like just pray about it he is so insanely dismissive of his daughter who has just woken up from a coma now to be fair he was brought back from the dead so he probably he is a bunch of different bodies and an abnormal brain that was put into them.

So like, hey, I know he's coming from his own experience, but he's still very understanding. I also thought it was weird that he said putting on the ritz so many times. So... Two Jews in our audience are loving that. So yeah, but he's like, this is a great thing. This is so good that this happened. And she's like, how is it good? I just lost six years of my youth. And he goes, you're not dead. And she's like, wow, you're right.

I didn't even think about it like that. Yep. She has been awake for zero minutes and he's like, God did a miracle. It's about what you choose to do with it. Yes. Yeah. Yep. And also, by the way, as bad as you're not dead is, is an answer to how is this good. It's also wrong if you believe that she goes to heaven when she dies, right? You're also incorrect in your worldview. Oh yeah. Significantly better for her to be dead.

Some inconsistencies there. And then this thing, this like horrible blamey thing where it's like, well, things are gonna work out so long as you love God. Don't fuck this up, Janie. Yeah, exactly. You're right. If things fuck up, it was you for not loving God enough. So you didn't love God enough.

So then we cut to David finding Sam, the daughter, chilling with this nurse in the stairwell and dad like chats with her heteronormatively, right, about her boyfriends, et cetera. Yes. So creepy. Oh, my God. Yeah, because it's a six year old girl. And he's like, do you want to have sex with men? Huh? Huh?

Huh? I bet you can't wait to get railed. Will this comfort the little girl who's afraid right now? But he talks the girl into coming back in and seeing mom again. And then the daughter walks in and she's over it now, right? Like she's had a minute in the stairwell to be hetero normatized at so she's fine now to be very if i had a choice between who do you want to fuck when you grow up and the mom i've never met i'm sure she goes and she's like so mom do you know any

bedtime stories and and fucking and jadie's like fuck i didn't know this was gonna be a quiz jesus kid yeah and I know I know Kara's gonna jump in and defend her but the The choice this actress makes to deliver the line stories Like she had not only never heard the word but never spoken with a human mouth before is she's like stories? Yeah, it's like when bumblebee speaks for the first time that's the level of delivery This horribly stupid world

Are you about to defend this Kara are you about to do that you will do the remaining two-thirds of this podcast without me Stupid world what they don't show you is that it would be hard world what they don't show you is that it would be hard to talk when you first wake up. Oh, this is an aphasia apologist. It's not a coma. It's a movie coma, Kara. You're right. She actually tells a bedtime story about sleeping beauty to talk about how she had a daughter with beautiful long hair and she missed her so much, but now she's awake. Yeah, right, right. And then we get Gabe the angel. He's like standing outside their window Creepily looking in I so creepy and he goes not a bad start This writer after writing that first act wrote into the script not a bad

Start right and then they said it on camera and she was like, you know what? Keep it. Keep it. Because it is. It's really good. All right. Well, it almost seems like we've got a plot and stuff now. So quick before we ruin that illusion, we're going to pause for another break. We'll be back in a minute with even more of An Unlikely Angel. Googling coma symptoms. Finally, a chance to sit down and read this book. Kara! Hi, Kara! Damn it, guys. What are you doing in my bedroom?

We were seeing who could bounce the highest on your bed. It's me, obviously. Whatever, cheating. Anyway, we heard you come in and we have a question. Sure, go ahead. So we have a bunch of travel coming up. Like a lot. Yeah, but no one needs to eat healthy now or he'll explode.

Well, it's just my heart, but yes. So as a doctor, do you think if he ate enough broccoli before we travel, it would kind of balance out pizza and burgers? Right, like anesthesia. Anesthesia, exactly. OK, not that kind of doctor. This is not doctor advice and definitely not whatever you just said. But guys, if you want to eat healthy on a busy schedule, why don't you try Factor?

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Nice Kara. Thanks. Wait, were you guys wearing your shoes on my bed? These are bed jumping shoes Kara. It's an no big deal. Obviously, read a book. Yeah, I was trying. You wanted to see me, Mr. God? Yes, Gabriel, come in. Sure, yeah. So I need your help with a human again.

You do? Yes, you see, there's this woman on earth who just became a mother, but she needs our guidance. I see. Is she abusive? No. Oh, she's going to abandon her family? No, no. She's just, um... She's like a little more focused on work than I think she should be.

Right. A little more focused on work. So what did you want to do? So I was thinking that while she's giving birth to her baby, we could give her a vision of a coma. Again? I mean, if it ain't broke, don't fix it, Gabriel. Right, but I kind of feel like that is broke. All right, coma vision of the future and like her kid hates her in the future. No, no, the kid is fine.

She's kind of doesn't have kids as a first priority. Okay, so you want to teach a lady to prioritize her kids by coma visioning her into a world where she doesn't have kids as a first priority? Exactly. Yeah, that should do the trick. OK, but like, but why? Women can have jobs. Families can prioritize things differently.

Why are we interceding in this woman's life so heavily? You know, just saying that when you let women have run of the place, we all know what happens. This is about the apple again, isn't it? I specifically told her not to eat it. OK. My apple. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with nurse Lily.

That's the nurse from before coming to get Janey for physical therapy. And this scene is like this is a scene we normally would skip, except, A, nothing happens in this fucking movie movie so we can't skip any of the scenes but also be the banter is so ridiculously bad for these couple minutes oh it's like decoding a puzzle yeah I don't know what's happening she says a little birdie told me you have physical therapy today to which Jamie replies seagull or Heron and the nurse says I couldn't tell. He was wearing a doctor's mask.

And I was like, what the fuck is happening? Okay, so I'm sorry. There's so much wrong with this, but your example that you came up with for you needed two little birdies. I know, why didn't they say Robin? And you came up with a seagull and a heron. Neither of those are like fucking seagulls. Herons can be up like seven foot wingspan.

What the fuck are you talking about? Little birdie. What's a big birdie, you fucking idiot? Oh, I'm sorry. You guys are so mad. She was in a coma. She probably doesn't know what size birds are anymore. Thank you.

In the commercial break, we all agreed with Kara that people can do no wrong. Wait, no, no, but wait. Does anybody understand? And you're all comsist. Did anybody understand this scene? Is there a double meaning or something? No! What was it doing here?

Yeah, she's like, first comes in, she's reading the Bible and she's like, she tells the nurse, oh, you should read this book sometime. And the nurse says, oh, I've read that cover to cover. It's imperative in my line of work. Yeah. What the fuck is that? That pisses me off. I don't know what that means, but it can't be good. No. Well, you know, what if she runs into a Canaanite baby? Right.

She would know what rock to smash it against. Exactly. Or even to smash it at all. Oh, yeah. So, OK. So then this descends into her physical therapy montage. Oh, God. And it's not even physical therapy. It's just going to the gym. Yeah, right. Right. Exactly. He's lifting weights, doing a jog. Dr. Kara Santa Maria. Yes. In your professional doctor opinion, official medical advice, no cure for a coma is bicep curls, right? That is what they they start showing the bicep curls, right? That is what they starch on the bicep curls.

A lot of the patients I see in the hospital as their psychologist, as a psychology fellow, I should be clear, do get PT. I ain't never seen PT look like this. No? The PT gym does have gym equipment in it, but a lot of them are learning balance. They're learning how to walk, how to sit and stand on their own. Yeah. At one point in this getting better from her six-year coma montage, she's just doing that

ab workout where you do sit-ups with a medicine ball for months. I know. She's doing like high-intensity interval training in the hospital. She's jogging upstairs and shit. I'm like, wow. It's like a Rocky montage. PT is tough, man. They don't go easy on you in that shit.

Yeah. So, yeah, so yeah. So but while that's going on, we check in with David and say I'm at home when mom calls. And this is very important. Sam's like, hey, can you bring me some? They're they're discharging me from the hospital tomorrow. Can you bring me some clothes? And I'm like, wow, weird you bring me some? They're they're discharging me from the hospital tomorrow. Can you bring me some clothes?

And I'm like, wow, weird that you wouldn't have done that yet. Right. And extra weird that he's like, oh, I don't have any of your clothes. Let me give you some of my friend Kelly's clothes. Well, so Aunt Kelly, Aunt Kelly. Now, that's the big reveal of the scene, right? Because they're on speakerphone with David and the and the daughter. And she's like, oh, you know, I need clothes. He's like, oh, yeah, we don't have any of your clothes.

And the daughter says, what about Aunt Kelly's clothes? We could borrow some of those. And Jane is like, who the fuck is this Aunt Kelly person, motherfucker? What the fuck? Yeah. Instantly fair, completely fair. Instantly sexual jealousy. For good reason, by the way. Yeah, right. Yeah.

Because you fucking Kelly, as it turns out. Turns out to for good reason, by the way. Yeah, right. Yeah. Because you're fucking Kelly, as it turns out. It turns out to be good reason. Literally what I wrote was dang, he'd be fucking it. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. And every time you see him and Kelly, you're like, oh, they play. Those actors are fucking, huh? Yeah. Yeah. So but dad's going to pick her up from the hospital. There's this moment where he like he walks into the hospital

and sort of like psychs himself up like he's going to tell her the truth about Aunt Kelly, but he doesn't. It's so funny. This actor trying to act prepares himself, because that's what the italics were, right? It says, prepares himself. And he was like, blink, blink hard. Hard, blink, blink. It's the best. So yeah, so he walks in the door and she's like, so who's this Kelly person that you mentioned? There's a Kelly. Who is that? Who the fuck is Kelly?

Yep. And keeping in mind that he's like, oh, yeah, she actually gave me some clothes that you could have. That's what we know about Kelly so far. All we know. And she pulls out the clothes and the clothes are a little big, right? You know, they're they're they're for a bigger person than her. And she's like, oh, Kelly's fat. I guess I don't have to worry about it anymore. She's fat

I wouldn't I know you would never fuck a fat That was rough. Oh really you sure you sure it's not a symptom of comas to fat shame people Kara? I still don't get why she doesn't have any clothes. Right, right. What did he do with her clothes? He threw them away. Yeah. The first time he came on Kelly's lower back. I was gonna say. He was like, don't need these anymore.

I do kind of feel like these things are related. Like that's part of moving on, right? Fucking somebody else and or getting rid of your pseudo dead wife's clothes. Right. Yeah. But she says, oh, your friend must be much bigger than me. And he says, oh, wow, I always thought she had a very nice figure. I'm like, wow, David, Jesus, read the fucking room.

Give me a pair of those pants. I'm going to put it in reverse cowgirl on my lap. No, it's about the size. I'm used to. Yeah. Yeah. And isn't isn't this also the first time where she tries to, like, be affectionate with him and he does like an ick move? Yes. Forehead kisses her. Yes. So so first she goes to like be affectionate with him and he does like an ick move away? The forehead kisses her. Yes. So first she goes to change, right? She goes to take off her hospital gown and he looks away.

Oh yeah. And then she's like, hey, you know, we're husband and wife. And she goes to kiss him and he like moves up and kisses her on the forehead instead. And he's like, I'll go out of the room to give you some privacy. And vomit. He is grossed out by her. Right. Which is weird because she's hot as fuck. She's pretty hot.

And by the way, way hotter than Kelly. You know, sure. Absolutely. Disagreeing guy. You like a lot of forehead in your ladies. I'm a forehead man. What can I say? This is not a subjective thing. I like a large target and I'm not afraid to say it. man, what can I say? This is not a subjective thing.

I like a large target and I'm not afraid to say it. So he goes to wait outside and by the way, I want to point out that the door to the hospital, her hospital door was open. So apparently she was just going to change with the door open there. And he's like, Oh, let me look away. Can we also point out that her hospital room is just somebody's living room? Yes, right. There's nothing hospitaly about that hospital. So OK, so he drives her back home and they just have this dumb,

terrible writer exposition conversation the entire way. Right. They're driving through town and she's like, I noticed this small cafe for some reason. He's like, that's Kelly's bakery. You know, right. Which means that either she has been asking about every business they've passed by. Who owns that laundromat?

And are you fucking them? So yeah, right, right. Probably. So then she notices that her dad's boating business is closed down and David explains that they've now moved it to the house and he uses the dock and David quit being a doctor now and works for dad in the boating business. And I'm like, wow, you know, it's been weeks. Why would this not have come up? How has none of this come up?

Yeah. Well, think they didn't even tell her she was in a coma. They like to slow roll shit with this lady. What exactly is a boating business? Does he make boats or does he charter boats? I think he fixes boats. He fixed boats in like a like a storefront. Right. Well, you would have to be at a dock to do that. Right. You would think water is such a key to that business model, you would assume. But no, that's why I figured he was selling.

I mean, I guess you can haul most boats. He's got a little boat repair shop on Main Street next to Aunt Kelly's fucking bakery Yeah, but that's not a boating business is it I'm getting caught up in so terminology here I think boating is going out in boats. No, yeah, maybe boating is not the act of fixing a boat No, no, that's not what that verb is. So bring your boat here so I can boat your boat Fixing a boat. No, no, that's not what that verb is. So bring your boat here so I can boat your boat. To be fair, they probably just let Flash Gordon actor say whatever he wants.

Improvise that line, right? Yeah, right. They were like, so what do you want to be doing? And he was like, boat the boat. And they were like, okay. So, sorry. So they get home. They get to, and I guess that David and Samantha have been living at her dad's house while

she was in the coma. Oh, that's not their house. No, that's dad's house. Oh, I thought they were just that rich. No, well, dad's rich from boating all the boats. From boating all those boats, yeah. I mean, their house is nice. Oh, and one thing we didn't mention is with the exposition, not only is that Kelly's Cafe,

oh, is she married? No, let me be clear. Kelly's So unsubtle about it she's like, oh, it's a Kelly's Cafe who comes in her Oh, yeah, and he's like super guilty like he's like like, oh, also, I quit my job as a doctor. I know you mentioned that to work for your dad and it sucks and we have no money and I miss being a doctor. This is all your fault because you were in a coma. Yeah, right. Right. Yeah. She sure is. Sorry. Your coma really fucked up my career.

Yeah, right. Right. So yeah. So but they get home, the daughter's really excited. She goes to give mom this wooden dolphin and mom's like, did you make this? And I'm like, come on, man. You know, she didn't make a fucking expert master widow. What are you fucking talking about? Cut to the little girl, the lathe couple more couple more coats of shine on this. Yeah, great. Right. So but and then they go inside and there's this welcome home banner.

And the mom's like, did you make this? And I'm like, come on, man, it's printed on a computer. What the fuck are you talking about? Why do you keep setting her up for failure like this? So mean. So there. Hey, did you do this all by yourself? No, I had help.

No, I'm six in this movie. Did you do anything on your own, you lazy piece of shit? There's this weird scene where she's like playing with her childhood tea set. Yeah. And they're like, oh, but she doesn't use it to play tea. She's a fishmonger. And then she's like, I didn't play tea either. I was a baby businesswoman.

That's like, what is this exposition? Oh, yeah. Do I have to listen to this full description? This child is fictional. I don't have to listen to this full description? This child is fictional. I don't want to listen to this. Right. This is where I first wrote my notes.

Oh my God, I'm so bored. I'm gnawing my leg off to escape. And meanwhile, I'm over here like, like, psychologizing this child because she runs out of the room. This child has barely smiled the whole film. She has the most flat affect you can imagine. And he goes, I've never seen her this excited. And I was like, I think your kid has depression. Yeah. Right.

This is the most excited you've ever seen this kid. You can't even see her teeth. That is sad. So, yeah. And then there's a knock on the door. It's Aunt Kelly. Oh, fucking Aunt Kelly. Oh, Aunt Kelly looks like the kind of person that would be like flirting with the manager that she's arguing about the expired coupon with.

Right. Once once the flirting doesn't work, then she gets real nasty. Oh, yeah. She goes from zero to 60 quick. Yeah, yeah. But she comes in and she's like, hi, I brought brownies. Let's go into the kitchen for this movie's worst scene. So they go into the kitchen.

She starts, she's serving brownies with her fucking fingers. She's just picking them out of the goddamn... Works for me. Stuff it in my mouth. Yeah, I didn't even notice that. Duck, take me to a chair and feed me those brownies, Aunt Kelly. I'm in. Ew. And Janie goes like, so I can't help but notice. Karen, don't ruin this for me! We are co-workers. Yes. Noah, I report Karen a can. Always telling people they need therapy. I report Karen a can. All right, good luck with that. So, but then, so, but Janie's like, so you're Kelly, why did you give me

unfashionable frumpy looking clothes instead of hot sexy's like, so you're Kelly, why did you give me unfashionable frumpy looking clothes instead of hot sexy ones like the ones you're wearing? Huh? Huh? Yeah, she's like, you're thin and hot. Why did you give me clothes that are huge? And she's like, oh, I gave you my pregnancy clothes because I'm a piece of shit. Yeah.

Why would you do that? Because she's horrible. Aunt Kelly is horrible. We cannot pretend like Aunt Kelly is just this hapless sweet woman who stepped up while David needed help raising his daughter. Aunt Kelly is fully aware and has no social capability to make this woman, Janie, feel comfortable. Right.

Or is Aunt Kelly aware that monogamy is slavery and refuses to let David be held by his shackles? So here's the thing. That's still not okay if Jamie did not consent. And that's the clear thing, right? Like it's so. That's the problem. She's cruel to Jamie. It is so patently obvious that David and Kelly have like a very flirty relationship and it's

also really obvious that Jamie is super duper uncomfortable with it, which they both should pick the fuck up on and stop like excluding her from conversations and shit. Instead they're like why the fuck aren't you over this and completely normal even though you just got out of a six-year coma? Right, so in case the audience is wondering if they're on team fucking care or team Eli on this. Thank you for introducing my opinion is valid and the team. So in case the audience is wondering if they're on team fucking care, our team Eli on this. Thank you for introducing my opinion is valid and the team.

I sure did. Eli, enjoy it while you can. Because now he has taken his wife who is in a coma for six fucking years. He's had her home for seven minutes, four minutes, something like that. Seconds. Yeah. Seconds. Yeah. Seconds. And Janie is like, can you come over and light my pilot light at my house?

I'm like, your fucking pilot light can fucking wait. Fucking Kelly. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Maybe I should see what the house I'm going to live in looks like. No, I need your husband to come over with me. Yeah. She literally, and she walks into their house like she lives there.

Yeah. She's like helping herself to everything. She goes upstairs to get the husband. Yes. Yeah, right. That's creepy. She's been in that bedroom a lot of times, Kara. Uh-huh.

Clearly. She feels at home there. Clearly. So yeah, so he leaves to go light her fucking pilot light. Again, she's been home for minutes. That's an expression, by the way. He doesn't. She watches out the window to make sure

they don't fuck on the way across the street or whatever. And as as they're walking out, she's doing the like me, me, me, me, me voice about Kelly. She's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, So, but then they turn around and look and she has to like duck down or they'll catch her spying on them. And damn it, if that's not just when her daughter and Kelly's son come in and catch her ducking down being weird.

Oh yeah, this whole scene was so pointless. Right. And they're like, what are you doing? And she's like, sexual jealousy. Yeah, I'm doing sexual jealousy. Well, it's again, it's this writer trying to do the, and then she gets caught in an awkward circumstance, but the writer isn't good enough for that. Right. Because then as she's ducked down and on all fours, David and Kelly come back in, right. So that

was a very quick pilot lighting lighting. And like, instead of just standing up, she starts trying to walk away on all fours and they're like, hey, what the hell is wrong with you? Are you a, are you think you're a pig or something now? Or yeah. He's like, did you fall down? And she's like, yep. Yes.

And then again, not to fight against team Eli here cause Kelly all the way, but he's like, oh, okay. She's like, yeah, I fell over. I'm your wife. It was in a coma. And he's like, oh, okay. She's like, yeah, I fell over. I'm your wife who was in a coma. And he's like, oh, cool. Yeah, right. Kelly did mouse stuff over at her house. So yeah, yep. Try a couch cushion or something. This movie, this movie is so inspiring and like an everything I've written and thrown away was better than this kind of way. It really is. So, okay. So then we go out to the dock to see Grandpa. Oh, there's this moment right before they leave where David's like, Yeah,

you know, the only person who our daughter, Sam, will let do her hair is Kelly. And he's like, it's her new mother who I'm fucking right. It's like in case you didn't have any reason to be jealous of her vis-a-vis the relationship with your daughter, who you've barely ever met. That's a good reason for that. And then Kelly is like, hey, why don't I do your hair? Because she can't read the fucking room. And I mentioned that because then in the next scene we see her, her hair's braided and looks very silly. Right? Yeah. I wasn't sure what that was supposed to be or do. I think that was just Kelly trying

to welcome the new wife into the throuple. But again, you guys want to be or do. I think that was just Kelly trying to welcome the new wife into the throuple. But again, you guys want to be close minded. Oh, Eli. So they're out at the dock talking to Grandpa and he's like, yeah, this boat right here, this is my sailboat. It's not quite ready to sail. We have to still boat the boat a little bit more. And no, the writer doesn't know anything more about what one would need to do to a boat

to make it sail worthy. And again, she's been home for like 15 minutes. Yep. And they've already made her meet the woman who played mom while she was gone. And let's go out to the dock for a while. Can she like take a nap? Yeah, right. Or get settled in or change clothes or anything. She hasn't even changed clothes. Right. Well, and then they're out at the dock and she says, she turns to the daughter and she's like, Hey, Sam, how about tomorrow? You and I go shopping together. And David's like, Hey, slow the fuck down. What are the doctors saying about your shopping? I'm like,

she doesn't have clothes that fit, dude. And she wants to do this. She's choosing to go shopping with her daughter. She didn't choose for fucking Aunt Kelly to come home. Yeah. I really thought he was going to be like, let Aunt Kelly take her shopping. You stay at home and rest.

Kelly knows all her favorite clothes. It's so funny. They do this little prayer. Well, they won't do it anymore, but they were like, we hope mommy dies, we hope mommy dies so we can be a family. It's so... It's kind of an inside joke. You wouldn't get it. Do you know she's read the entire Kama Sutra? The whole book. Pretty long. So yeah, so that night, Janie tucks Sam in, tells her a story, whatever. I see you wrote there, you wrote there Noah, that kid's really cute.

It's a real, she's a really cute kid. I love her. She actually won best supporting actress at the International Christian Film Fest. Well good for her. That's from the Great American Film Fest. Yeah right, right. Let's see. They gave it to one of their own.

Weird. I just, I have to point out a bad writing moment here because she tucks the girl in and she goes, sleep. And I wrote, yeah it's fucking bedtime you idiot. I thought it was dinner. So, so yeah, so she goes into the bedroom. David's like, Hey, I'm sorry for barking at you about shopping. And instead of going like, yeah, what the fuck was that? She's like, Oh, no, that's okay. It's okay. Yep. And then she goes to kiss him and he

kisses her cheek or so you know or turns away from it again. Is there a side hug in bed? He's literally like, my penis is softer than it's ever been in my life, so I'm gonna go to sleep right now. It's been six years since her first night home after six years and he's like, side hug. And I'm like, oh, well, he's gay. High five! I'm actually still sticky from Kelly this afternoon. I didn't get a chance.

She doesn't have a wash club. So I don't... I don't know if you want to... So, okay. So then we get Janie and Sam shopping. And this is... Okay, so they're having this conversation. The little girl is telling her about going to the zoo.

But this movie doesn't have the sense to only give us the last four seconds of this conversation. Oh my God. For like three minutes. And I last four seconds of this conversation. Oh my god. For like three minutes and I wrote my notes at this point, okay now I'm so bored I'm trying to beat myself unconscious with the leg I gnawed off. Yeah, you know what I think is the real problem with this movie because it was on Amazon through whatever this Pure Flix thing is. Great American Pure Flix. Great American Pure Flix.

You, you gotta watch it at one time speed. Yes. There's no option. No, they've got, they've got more up in the speed option now. Great American Pure Flix. You gotta watch it at one time speed. Yes! There's no option. No, they've got up in the speed option now. No, I didn't see that. What the fuck? Why are you always withholding this shit from me, Eli? You gotta get the app.

It should be in the notes. Oh. I watched it in the browser. Me too. Yeah, I watched it one time speed. Damn it. Noah. So, okay, but while they're out listening to this,

the saddest I've ever heard. This is Kara waking up six years after a coma right now. You just go, my God, I wasted all that part of my life. So but while they're out walking around, listening to zoo stories, Janey sees a poster for Girl Power Extreme, the thing that she pitched, the video game that she pitched at the very beginning of the movie.

Yeah. Version four. And she looks like all upset. And I'm like, you know, like I don't want to fucking support the big mean nasty corporation or whatever, but like your job was to come up with intellectual property for that company. Like, so they obviously own the intellectual property that you came up with, with right like you think that your contract was structured in such a way that They would owe you some type of residuals But you know I would love to work at a company where an idea you created if you went into a coma

They were like fuck we have to shout. Sorry guys. No, halo Mitch got into a motorcycle accident, so we're just we're really pulling for Mitch because we would hate for there to never be another blood-borne. Yes. But it's funny, like, are we supposed to hate the, like, is that the point of this? Is she's, like, mad at them for, like, doing their job? I don't know. Oh, see, I thought it was just that she was like, holy shit, like, my idea was really successful.

Oh my God, I miss my job. Well, yeah, so, okay, we'll flesh that out a little bit. OK. But now she has to take her daughter to a salon and then to the mall to do a shopping montage. Well, first, she sees Aunt Kelly. Oh, that's right. She does. On the street. That's why she takes her daughter to the salon, because she's like, oh, Aunt Kelly, I love her. She does my hair. She's like, fuck that woman. I'm going to take you to a real person to do your hair.

And the silent jealousy montage they have Aunt Kelly doing is so funny. Right. It's someone like giving two thumbs up to her pie and then someone like stuffing her tip jar with a hundred. And then she like stores an English cucumber down her throat just for a second because her hands are full. It's so fucking funny. So, yeah. So but JD takes the kid to the salon and to shop. And of course, the the kids not having fun.

Right. And we have to show the board. She is just hating everything about this. Right. And what's amazing is that we established earlier in the movie that growing up, Janie was never a girly girl. Right. She was a tomboy that didn't like doing this kind of shit as a child. Yeah, this part was really inconsistent. Yeah. And like, not for any messaging purpose.

No! Like, for no reason. I also, I just have to point this out because I love great American pure flakes, right? At the end of the shopping montage, this actress is supposed to have brought a beautiful outfit to impress the husband. But if they showed this actress's ankles, grandma would be like, Hora Babylon! So she's just in this fucking long sleeve, long panted fucking NASA ready jumpsuit being like, I feel pretty! Oh, so pretty!

She's literally wearing pants and a turtleneck sweater. Yes! An oversized tur a turtle neck sweater. Yes. An oversized turtle neck sweater. The only skin showing is her face and her fingertips. Even her palms are covered, right? And like Kara said, she's a gorgeous woman and looks great in that outfit or whatever. Second place in the movie. But the scene here is supposed to be like,

she's all sexied up to say, okay, now do you wanna fuck me or what? No, but she looks the same as she did in sweatpants. Yes. And if anything, she kind of looks worse because the wind is all blowing her hair all over her face, but not in a hot way. The wind machine should be blowing it back

away from your face. No, it's got real pfft, pfft, pfft vibes. Yeah, that's like getting in her mouth and stuff. So he like stares at her all like longingly or whatever, and she's like, so you like this sweater? And he goes, I haven't gotten that far up yet. And I'm like, so you're staring at her knees, her thighs?

Is that really your... Oh, I'm actually just still jacking off at your thigh. This is right. What are we trying to say here? Oh, I'm actually still jacking off at your thigh. I'm really focusing on your puss right now. Yeah, that's right. What are we trying to say here? That's so creepy. And look, if you thought this actor was going to fail at time to have a hard conversation, man does he miss Hubba Hubba.

He's somewhere between I have to poop and I'm not sure if I'm going to make it to the bathroom and I will win this staring contest with you lucky the leprechaun I will indeed So yeah, so he gives her a Big hug she asks if they're all poor and gross now or what right? Oh, right cuz he's not a doctor anymore Yeah, and she's like Amy's like no no hallmark movie. We're fine. Yeah, right We live in a three-story house boating boat businesses. It's fine. Yeah. Yeah, to be fair, that's a fucking nice sailboat.

Yeah, right. Right. Like even if it's a crappy sailboat, the fact that you got a sailboat means you're fine. Yeah. Yeah. So, but then Sam comes out visibly hating her hair and her clothes again. Right? Yeah, because she's like wearing all pink head to toe with like super curly hair. She looks like a doll. Yeah. Very inconsistent with how the mom is supposed to be. Yeah. Right.

Weird. And the dad's like, hey, what's wrong? And she's like, I hate my hair and my clothes. And mom's like, oh, OK, well, let's change it back into something you like and comb your hair out. And so they do. So that I don't know what they were trying to set up. We watch over now like that whole bit, the whole they've just undone everything that we learned from the fucking montage

and that entire fucking sequence has just been negated. So she goes to comb the hair out. And while she's doing that, she gets a call from Connie, the assistant from earlier in the movie. Right. Yeah. Now, I want to point out, I know this is pretty meaningless in the larger scale of the movie, but where Connie is, it's daytime. Where they are, it's nighttime. Connie's in New York City. She's on the East Coast. Where the fuck are they? They're on an island in the middle of the Atlantic. Yes, right. They're on a boat headed to England. I don't know. So she was like, hey, I couldn't help

but notice that you guys made a bunch of money off of my idea. And she's like, Hey, you know, hey, I couldn't help but notice that you guys made a bunch of money off of my idea. And she's like, Yep, that's how working for this company works. Right. We make money off of your ideas. Yeah. She actually does explain. She's like, Yeah, they own the IP.

She does the exposition thing. She's like, you know what they say when you work for a company, you don't get residuals from six years ago. And she's like, right, I forgot about that. She's like, well, I was thinking maybe in the contract, you saw maybe they would just ignore my contract and company precedent and just give me a bunch of money and kind of say, yeah, no, they're not going to do that.

And she's like, right. Probably not. I see why now that I say it out loud. But Connie goes like, but hey, you know, like your idea made the company a ton of fucking money. I think they'd hire you back in a second. And she's like, oh, all know, like your idea made the company a ton of fucking money. I think they'd hire you back in a second. And she's like, oh, all right, cool. Well, that would solve all of the problems of the movie unless my husband is so fucking sexist

that he can't imagine me being the primary breadwinner. Can't fathom me having a job ever again. Well, and it's not just her husband. It's also apparently her angel and God. Right, well, yes, exactly. She's also apparently her angel and God right well yes Yeah, I think husband angel and God and Eli Bosnic are all just rooting for a romance with Aunt Kelly And that's what this movie is really about all right brave. I would not want to watch that. I'm brave So after the after dinner Sam and Kelly are chatting and doing dishes once again, right?

Like the two of them are just off doing their own little flirty thing. Yeah, Kelly, by the way, shows up. Yes. Like she shows up with dinner, weirdly. Oh, yeah, yeah. She's like, I figured you probably didn't want to. And she's like, I'm part of your family. I figured you didn't want to cook, so I would cook instead.

I invited myself to your house. Now me and your husband are going to have a tickle fight. You are the villain of this scene for not appreciating it. Yeah, this movie in a nutshell. You know, Eli, how do you not get this? I think it's great. You bring dinner over to my house and fuck my husband. It's great. I get the whole evening to myself.

This is rules PlayStation so Jamie is outside. We know she likes video games So Jamie is outside on the tire swing feeling bad about the whole situation She's on the tire swing incorrectly by the way, the whole point of a tire swing is that you put your legs through the tire You don't climb up on it the way she's doing it. Oh, yeah, she's doing full Miley Cyrus wrecking ball Yeah, cuz she looks more sullen though. Well, exactly, exactly. That's true, you can't look sullen, but they probably tried it with her sitting on it normal

and they're like, no, it looks fun. It just, you cannot sit on it. Yeah, exactly, too fun. You're spinning around. Stop saying we in between each of your lines. Yeah, right, right. She's also wearing really cute fingerless gloves in this scene.

Oh, really? Not that anybody else cares, but yes, I actually noted that. Your takes are weird this week, Kara. I can't help it. Your takes are weird. I that anybody else cares, but yes, I actually know that. Your takes are weird this week, Kara. Your takes are weird. I was like, oh, those are cute. I want to get some. Pro-coma, pro-fingerless glove. I wear fingerless gloves all the time.

Is that a weird take? Maybe it's a famous person thing. I don't know. I love fingerless gloves. Look who you're talking to. She's not famous. I'm wearing basketball shorts. I don't mean Kara, I mean Janey. You're wearing basketball shorts. I don't mean Kara, I mean Jane.

You're wearing basketball shorts. Eli, no. All the time, at all times. Pretty much, yeah. But Dad comes, or Gramps comes out to talk to her, right? And they don't get why she's upset. Right, right, he's like, what's wrong? Everybody there is like, what's wrong?

What the fuck do you think is wrong? This woman fixed everything. Why aren't you grateful? You fucking idiot. Of course she's upset. This is what I wrote. Why do they not get why she's upset? Guys, this is what it's like living in the patriarchy

every day of your life. It's just a bunch of men going like, why are you sad at my horrible behavior? Did you get your period? Is that why you're mad? Well, I so and the fucked up thing is, is that even if you set aside the whole Kelly thing, right? This is a woman who's coping with the fact

that she's just missed out on the first six years of her daughter's life. She's missed out on an enormous chunk of her youth. She's got to catch up with pop culture and all of the things that her career could have been by now. Yeah, exactly. And she was a person things that her career could have been by now. Yeah, exactly. She was a person defined by her career, right?

A person for whom her career was incredibly important. And everybody's just walking around going like, why are you being such a bummer lately? Why wouldn't she be? Exactly. And also, regardless of the Kelly situation, like you said, her husband has the ick for her. Right. Well, it's funny because she was in a coma and now her husband has the ick for her. That's so sad. There's an amazing moment about that too. Or like when she's when the dad comes up and he's like, what's wrong? She's like, well, you know, Kelly seems to be replacing me and my husband doesn't want to fuck me. And the dad is like, Hey, I don't want to hear about all

that. She is so funny. He's like, yucky, yucky. When I said what's wrong, you were supposed to just be like, the moon is too close to my puss, gross. God, I gotta go hit by more lightning just to recover from that. But he has great advice for her though. After she explains it, she's like, I feel like Kelly's gonna replace me and my husband doesn't love me.

And he's like, well, Kelly's not going to replace you. And your husband likes you. So you're really kind of overreacting if you think about it. If you think about it, you're being a bitch. Totally. I'm your dad. And then he goes, and also God. Yeah.

Trust in God. Yeah. You're obviously not trusting in God enough. And she does not go, wait, so God's plan was to put me in a coma for six years? Because that's what the movie's about. Right. But I feel like she does say it in her head. This is the part where I really feel connected to Janie because she's like not comforted

at all by the Jesus talk. Yeah, right. She like rolls her eyes at him. Yeah, I should go. And I'm like, that's right. I'm with you, Janie. This is some bullshit. So she goes into the kitchen.

She gets in the way of David and Kelly's flirty moment. So Kelly is like, she's got a bunch of cupcake samples. She's like, try all these cupcakes and tell me what you think. And I just wrote my notes like I would overlook so many bad traits in a friend if they were a baker that wanted me to periodically sample their cupcakes. That's right. But Kelly doesn't offer any of them to Janie. She doesn't. She totally doesn't. She's like smearing them all over David's face.

And like, she's like, let me get that icing for you. Look, not to break my own bit, but she is supposed to be the villain of this scene. Because Kelly's like, take the frosting, take the frosting from mommy. And she's like, hey, because you guys acknowledged that I'm in the room. And we're supposed to be like, this fucking bitch. Right, right. Why does it always gotta be about you? I always acknowledge that I'm in the room, and we're supposed to be like, this fucking bitch. How dare you. Why does it always gotta be about you? Look at her taking up space in her own house.

Kelly is just trying to straddle your husband's thigh while she works her brownie batter in between their two fricative services, and you are ruining a perfectly lovely and congenial time. And that's the saddest thing, is that is actually how the people who wrote this movie think. Yes. Like this is the patriarchy in a nutshell.

It's literally like this poor guy had to deal with your coma. Yeah. And this woman is just comforting him. Right, right, had to parent his child the whole time. You were asleep. You abandoned your child. He's allowed to dry hump Kelly as you make your way into your home. That's the most insane mental...

Yeah, it's like you had a selfish coma and this woman is just trying to help you, cunt. Right. Exactly. So, okay. So that night David comes into the bedroom and Janie is all sexied up. And let me tell you, on the scale of like sexy thing your wife might wear to send you the I want to fuck message on one side of the scale and things they're willing to show

on Pure Flicks on the other side of the scale. This is actually a little closer to the former than I expected. No sleeves? Are you kidding? Bare shoulders? Yeah, she's wearing a spaghetti strap black dress. This is fucking, you know how 80s movies were just like, we're doing Bush now.

This is the Bush of Pure Flix, Great American Pure Flix. This is Labia Minora in Pure Flix terms. Also, I just have to point this out, right? So she's trying to seduce him and he's like, uh, but his phone rings, right? But it rings with a buzz and both of their hands are below the line of the screen and I was like, all right.

Yes, yes. Yes. All right. Yes. This is gonna get things started. All right, David A.R. White, this divorce has changed you and can I say I like it? Yeah, right, right.

So yeah, but he's going over, he's just about to fuck her. His phone goes off and he like, he picks it up to just to silence it, right? And she's like, who is that? And he's like, it's Kelly. And she's like, well, I that's it. I am done. That is ruin the mood. I am done showing off my bare shoulders. Which is fair. And that would ruin the mood for me too. Yeah. Can I just throw something out there and look, I don't want to be that guy who's like, I'm such a good husband. If they're if it has been intimated that I am about to get some physical affection, a fire alarm could go off and I'm going to be like, hey, I'm still good for the if you don't, we'd like because the fire probably hasn't.

I don't smell smoke. So I want you to know you have my phone. The idea that I would answer a phone call in this moment is completely foreign to me. Well, we have this great moment right where she's just like, hey, look, a phone call in this moment is completely foreign to me. Well, we have this great moment right where she's just like, hey, look, you know, cause she puts her robe back on and she's like, well, okay, the mood's ruined now.

Look, Kelly is very clearly trying to fuck you. She was like, smearing a cupcake around on the head of your penis when I walked in earlier. And he goes, really? I don't get that at all. And let me just say, as a friend of Heath's, I can relate, Janie. I know what this is like. I've had this conversation before.

No, I don't think I think she just thinks I'm really funny. Shut the fuck up, David. Yeah, he is a master gaslighter. Yeah, this is every husband who cheats on his wife for like 35 years was like, hey, could you put it in the movie that he's actually just a great guy? He's really good friends with a stranger? Yeah. And, and, and he's like, Hey, look, it's not that, you know, it's not that Kelly is I am in love with her or anything. She just helped me out and was a mother to your

child and I was a father to her child. And we lived right across the street and we're very intimate and we have a lot of inside jokes together. And yeah, right. Exactly. Sometimes we get wet together, you know, that kind of shit. But yeah, but then her phone rings and she takes the call. It's wacky dinosaur boss Marcus. This is such a weird scene. He's playing day paintball at night. Thank you. He's in the middle of an intense paintball game, but like she didn't call him. He called Right. Yeah, mid paintball game. He dove into that trench and he was like shit work call gotta make a work call Yeah, gotta make a work call. Yeah Yeah, I need to instigate this phone call while I'm in the middle of paintball and also like I guess they're okay

So if they're in like Iceland or something like that, he must be in... Because it's the middle of the night there, and then it's day where he is, so he's in... Oh, yeah, they keep getting their time zones back. Eastern Europe? I mean, this movie just keeps moving east across the fucking globe. That sweet, sweet Uzbek paintball scene.

Yeah, right, right. No, they love their paintball. In Uzbekistan, yeah. And also, why... This is like, why didn't he just email her? Right. Because all he's going to say is like, hey, you're alive. That's great. I heard you had a pitch. Why don't you come and do that on pitch day? Right. Yeah. And she's like, yeah, I'll be there to give you my pitch on the 29th.

And she hangs up the phone and David turns to her and goes, the 29th, that's Sam's birthday. Dun, dun, dun. Yes. And also he says it like, like she, A, should remember. Did it on purpose. Like she tried to move it onto the daughter's birthday. Yeah.

And also like, once again, this woman was unconscious for all of Sam's birthdays. Yeah. And she almost died the day she was born. I don't think that day is like relevant in her mind. Yeah, look, I'm not a coma apologist the way Kara is. And I feel like you give someone the benefit of the doubt, right? To be like, hey, that is Sam's birthday. You might not have realized this.

She does double down and she's like, no, pitch day can't be moved. And honestly, like, if, pitch day can't be moved. And honestly, like if you're not a cert, an emergency surgeon and you do stuff on your kid's birthday, you fucking suck. But the way this husband reacts is like she is sacrificing the baby to the God ball.

Okay. All right. Most people have to fucking work on their kids' birthdays. No, they do. Yes. They absolutely do. And if, if, if what you're missing is the fucking like, cause she's No, they do. No, they don't. Yes, they absolutely do. It's not real. If what you're missing is the fucking like for it, because she's like, hey, you know, it's a one hour flight. I can be back before the birthday party.

I'm like, OK, like fucking obviously you do that. No, I don't think you just take like a lot of your paid vacation when you're. You know how everyone gets paid vacation? Yeah, right. Right. No, you just talk to your boss who's really chill about that stuff. I don't think you understand the workplace really well. right, right. Or like you just talk to your boss who's really chill about that stuff. I don't think you understand the workplace really well. Sorry everyone, no illusions. Not really in touch with the common working man.

It's been a little while. Anyway, so you use your paid vacation. Also, is this, is it just me? There's something weird about this. If your kid's birthday is on a Tuesday, you don't have their birthday party on Tuesday night. Yeah, party is very clear. You have it every weekend. Yes., you don't have their birthday party on Tuesday. Yeah, party is very clear on a Saturday. Yes. But you don't have a pitch meeting. On a Saturday. Yes. On a Saturday.

No conflict here. No fucking conflict here. And then David's like, she's like, look, I can multitask. I can do the pitch and then I can come back for the birthday party. And he's like, you know, the last time you tried to multitask, you wound up in a coma for six years. Yeah, what a fucking dick. But that's not what happened. She wasn't even driving the car. Yes, if she was driving the car and she crashed the car, that line would make sense.

While texting work about something. Yeah, right. Right. While breastfeeding the child and texting where she would have to be doing multiple things. None of that makes fucking sense. And he's like, you just got back and you're already leaving. And I'm like, all right, well, you're using got back metaphorically on one side of the and, and then literally on the other side of the and. So I don't think you're allowed to do that.

Kelly said this is exactly what you would do. While she was sucking my dick. I mean, her mouth was full. I think that's what she was saying. Hard for me to tell. All right, well, that's what we settled on for stakes in this movie. Will she miss the first third of her daughter's birthday in order to hex tuple the fucking family income? And spoiler alert, they'll get the answer wrong.

But before they do that, we're going to need a break and you're going to need the hard sell. Couldn't you just tell the six year old her birthday was on Saturday? What the fuck is she going to do? Pull out her PDA and argue with you about it? Was my dad supposed to skip work on my birthday all those fucking years? Yes. By now the answer's just shockingly close to nothing when we return for the painfully predictable conclusion of an unlikely angel.

Ooh, Lou, Lou, doing Kara stuff. Kara stuff's my favorite stuff. Jesus, guys., loo, doing Kara stuff. Kara stuff's my favorite stuff. Jesus, guys! Hey, Kara, what's up? Yeah, you needed us? Did you guys pour, like, bubble soap all over my kitchen floor? Yeah, we had an argument about whether or not we could make bubble angels. And I was right!

You can, kinda. Why do you guys always do this stuff? I mean, honestly? Yes, honestly. This is our workout. Ruining my home is your workout? No, but usually if we do something, you chase us around with a broom, yelling shenanigans, shenanigans until we leave.

That's true. I do. But if you guys want to take your workout to the next level, why not just try FitBod? What's FitBod? Well, whether you're a seasoned gym goer or just starting your fitness journey, FitBod will push you to make progress. It's like having your own personal trainer, but better. It's cheaper. You can work out anywhere with or without equipment, and it's easy to build a custom fitness plan that works for you.

That sounds great, but have you actually tried it? I have. I used FitBod when they became a sponsor. I love how it adjusts my workout based on how hard I want to go and what equipment I have available so I can get my exercise in whether I'm at a hotel room or a fully stocked gym. Exactly. And you don't have to mess up my house. All right, Kara. I'm in. Where do we sign up? Add FitBod to your Workout Essentials.

Join FitBod today and get your personalized workout plan. Get 25% off your subscription or try the app free at fitbod.me slash gam. That's F-I-T-B-O-D dot M-E slash G-A-M. All right, Cara. Thanks. So you guys are going to stop messing up my house for your workout now? Starting now, yes. Mm-hmm. What does that mean? It means don't go in

your closet. So this is the kitchen. It's beautiful. Yeah, I remembered how much you liked blue, so I painted it that way just in case, I don't know, you decide you want to... Are you expecting someone? Oh, sorry. That's just neighbor Kelly. That's me. Enchanté. Oh, Kelly. You're the neighbor.

Some neighbor she is. She's usually all over the world modeling. Oh, don't be silly. I'm only out of town two or three times a year. Your model? Oh, that's true. But what I really love to do is bake. Here, have one of my zero calorie triple fudge brownies. I don't know how they taste so amazing.

My secret is graphene. Wait, graphene? Oh, don't get her started on her Pulitzer. Shared Pulitzer, it's no big deal. Wow, Kelly, you seem just perfect. Oh, no, not at all. For instance, I was born without a gag reflex. It's true.

She's got a medical condition. You know what? I'm going to go. I'm going to go make video games for girls. Aren't all video games for girls? All video games are for girls, yes. games for girls. All video games are for girls, yes. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with our second Making Pancakes with Sam scene. There's one earlier, but now there's got another one.

God, this movie is so bad. That's a bold move in the script. I watched this really early this morning because I didn't have time earlier in the week. I like set my alarm. I was very grumpy about it. And so I wrote in my notes, damn it, now I want pancakes. I still haven't eaten. So then we get her at a video game store. So she's supposedly she's researching for her pitch that she's going to do in two days

time. Okay. Yeah. So she goes to this video game store and she's like, do in two days time. Okay. Yeah. So she goes to this video game store and she's like, Hey, what video games does West Tech make? And this surprisingly knowledgeable clerk is like, here's all of them. I can grab them right for you off this shelf without even looking through. We organize our video games by production company.

Yes. Also, when she asks what games West Tech makes he goes have you been living under a motherboard? Because the writer thought to themselves what would a video game person say? Hell yeah. I'm using that all the time. Yeah and she's like of all the West Tech games which one do you think is the best and he's like oh I like Bloody Monkeys because we're trying to reinforce that all the video games are too violent now. OK, this is literally what my mother would write if she was asked to write one video games. Hey, don't insult the writing of your mother.

There's no no one. Your mother would be physically incapable of writing something this bad. OK, I will call my mother on speakerphone right now. No illusions. And she'll be like, I don't know bloody monkeys Bloody monkey sounds awesome. I don't hang it from mechanical trees shooting people with machine guns and shit That sounds like a great game. But yeah, so but she's shocked at how bad the games are are a violent They are anyway, so she leaves the store and as she does she runs physically into Gabe Right the angel guy. Yeah, okay creepy angel She leaves the store and as she does, she runs physically into Gabe. Right?

The angel guy? Yeah. Okay. The creepy angel. What is the purpose of this scene? What is the purpose of him at all? Right because they're trying to make a 14 minute idea into an hour and a half movie. Yeah.

They now, and I'm not joking, they now sit down and he's like, no, I'm really an angel. And instead of her being like, okay, you're a crazy person or this queuing another coma moment or whatever it is, they just kind of have a chat about him. Right. And his angelness. Yeah. Yeah. She's like, you're so you're an angel.

And he's like, yeah, yeah, I'm an angel. But like it's when you meet someone at a party and you try to make small talk on a topic and it kind of peters out too quickly, that's how they treat his angelness. She's like, so too many Wings? Hobbies? Right. So, and the thing is, is that this writer is so bad and knows that they're so bad that there's no way they're even going to try for the actual I'm an angel moment. So he just does like

a little like, he Batman's away and appears in a different spot. And then she sits down and then we cut to like after he's explained it. And she goes, we cut to her going, so you're an angel. Well, it's all been explained well by a person who writes. And yes, and I totally buy it. He goes, well, you know, I was we were answering that prayer that you made at the beginning of the movie. She's like, really? I made a prayer at the beginning of the movie. And he's like, well, it was so like was we were answering that prayer that you made at the beginning of the movie. She's like, really? I made a prayer at the beginning of the movie. And he's like, well, it was so like small and insignificant that the GAM guys didn't

even bother to describe it when they did your movie. But yes, for like one second, you looked in the air and said, help me out here, God. And so I robbed you of six years of your life in a fucking coma to make a point. And gave you a horrific memory or maybe not not, of this like, deadly crash. Right, yeah. Either gave you this horrific PTSD memory or robbed you of the memory of the day your child was born. Yeah, exactly.

One or the other. The genie from Wishmaster would have been like, that seems like a weird interpretation to help me. Yes, right, exactly. So, but Gabe explains to her that she has to pray more. Yeah. And so then she goes back home. She's like caressing her mom's Bible, which Kara mentioned it earlier.

We haven't talked about it much, but this weirdly blue Bible has been introduced over and over again into this movie, right? It looks like, like, you know, when you self publish and you take it to Kinko's for binding. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

So, but she thanks God for her kid and all of this stuff. And she prays that he'll help her out with the whole marriage thing. She just basically she just explains the movie's conflict into the camera while looking slightly up. Yeah. And then, and this is so weird, she will do it twice more in the movie's conflict into the camera while looking slightly up. Yeah. And then, and this is so weird because she will do it twice more in the movie. She's like, hey, God, if you don't want me to do this thing, let me know. And look, nothing happens because God's not real.

But we've been, we've watched 456 Christian movies. That's not what's supposed to happen in a Christian movie. Right. Yes. In a Christian movie, a feather is supposed to fall from the ceiling on the fucking bakery she's supposed to open or whatever. Yeah, a puke bag is supposed to fly off the top of the building to the car. She finishes her prayer, she gets a phone call from work and she's like, hey God, I'm going to interpret this as a sign that you want me to go back to work unless you say

otherwise. In three, two, one. Okay. So she answers the phone. It's Connie. It's not God. It would have been awesome if it was God. But she says like, hey, you know, if you want to do this pitch, you know, we can get you

in and out early. You can be the first pitch of the day so that you can be back on a flight home by noon. And it's a one hour flight. So back home by two. Yeah, so I don't get this then. So is this the point? Oh my God, this movie is so confusing to me. So the point is God should give her a sign

to do what she should do. So God gives her a sign. Basically they're like, you can come to the pitch and be back for your kid, it's all gonna work out. She gets a call from the job. That second. Right after she asks for a sign. And then they tell her that you can do it all, it's gonna be really easy, we'll take

care of you. Right, right, but that is not the point of this fucking stupid movie. Exactly. So she goes back to the video game store and she's like, hey, you know, what game would you recommend for a seven year old girl? And he's like, oh, you know, this one right here. And she's like, actually give me all the games from West Tech. But she doesn't have any indication

that her daughter plays video games. Nope, none at all. We have not seen a video game. They don't have, yeah, like a platform to play it on. Right, well, and that's the thing. She says, give me all the games from West Tech. She doesn't even say watch console, right? And I don't think they have a console

at their grandpa's house. Well, and also, okay, so this is supposedly she wants to play all these video games to do research for her pitch, which is now in less than 48 hours, right? She's going to play several, he gives her several dozen video games. Like I play video games, like a triple A video game, like those usually run 40 plus hours to get a reasonable taste of what a video game is even like. You're talking four or five hours. She's going to do that in the next 36 hours. Well, coming up with a fucking bad idea. Oh, I'm serious. It makes no goddamn

sense. Any hands or she's like, give me all the Westec games. He's like, here they all are. And some of the boxes are for fucking Xbox and some of them are for PlayStation. PlayStation. Now, Noah, in her defense, maybe Westec is her version of Ubisoft, in which case you only need 10 or 11 minutes of each of those games to completely understand. Hi-yo! Also, is it not weird that this, like, video games are a big part of this film? This film has very little plot. We watch a sailboat a lot in this movie. We don't have a single scene of anyone actually playing a video game.

Nope. Nope. Not even from the video games perspective. You know, like when they can't use like anybody's footage from a video game, they'll just show you like we're looking out of the video game at some people playing on a controller. Never. Never. Never. We don't see her ever play the games that she's doing the research for. Well, so she gets home with all of her games and everybody's down at the dock and they're like, Hey, we're going to take the boat out on its first maiden voyage. We finally got the sailboat to where it could go. And so we're going to do like an early birthday present for the daughter.

And she's like, Oh, wow, this is something that you set up after you knew that I was preparing for this, uh, for this big pitch so that I could look like shit for not going. What, what kind of fucking asshole are you? Well, I think their plot becomes pretty clear because four seconds later, Kelly walks through the door and she's like, I brought a picnic basket and a bunch of KY loop for some reason. I don't know how this got in here, but we'll see.

So Janey's like, wow, you know, I have a lot of work that I have to try to get done in the next few hours. And Jay and Sam is like, oh, so you don't love me? Is that what it is that you don't love or care about me? And David is so shitty about it. He's such a, he's like, no, your mom has to work like a working lady as though this isn't even the 19th century anymore. Yeah, it's like hands are on his hips. You know what your mom is like. She's always like, honk shoe, honk shoe, honk shoe, I have work tomorrow. And of course, Kelly walks in with all of her like, bags and baked goods and she's like,

I'm here to fuck your dad and be your new mom. And Janie's like, oh, fuck that shit, I'm coming. Right, yes. And like, yeah, exactly. As soon as Kelly shows up, she's like, I'm here to fuck your dad and be your new mom. Right. And Janie's like, oh, fuck that shit. I'm coming. Right. Yes. And then like, yeah, exactly. As soon as Kelly shows up, she's like, okay, well now I want to come and sit between you two the whole fucking time. Again, Team Kelly bringing families together. I'm just saying, open your minds, open your hearts. So then we get this weird fucking sailing montage because there's almost no sailing. Oh, it's such a long boat montage. And there's only one of the like eight scenes where they actually managed to catch any wind in the sails whatsoever.

Like we get this. I didn't even see the sails open. Is it one moment? There's one little quick blink and you miss it shot. The rest of it is them just going, wait, where does this rope go? It was fucking crazy. So so that night, they're all sitting around a campfire. Kelly is like she's she wants to push us around.

Right. We're getting the fucking Kelly is guitar guy at the party now. I hate her so much. Oh, she's so bad at the guitar. She's so awful. She's terrible on the guitar. This is like the scene from Barbie. Yes, exactly. Exactly. And then the second she puts the guitar down, she's literally like, oh, so I heard you're going to miss your daughter's birthday for work.

Yes. Did I hear that? Let me break the tension here. So I hear that you're going to you're going to take a heathenish trip to the to the devil city itself. And she says it all like like she's not actually the one breaking the new. Oh, I hate her Sam Did you not hear me? I said your mom is gonna miss your birthday I'll be there. Don't worry. I'll be there

Me and dad can have one of our famous tickle fights Well, and this is and and this is how Sam finds out right? She doesn't bother to tell the kid because let's face it you wouldn't bother to tell the kid right cuz you just feel yeah Mom's got some work to do. She'll be back before the party. Right. I'll see you at your party because you're sick. You wouldn't make a big fucking deal about it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. So they get home. Sam is furious. So she storms off upstairs. Mom follows her up to the attic so they can talk things out. And because this movie, this is another one of those pops its own balloon quick before

Grandma's blood pressure goes up kind of movies. Janie follows Sam up and she says well, you know, it's just it's just a half-day trip I actually am gonna be back before your birthday party even starts and and the daughter's like, oh Well, that doesn't that's nothing then I don't know why Kelly's put it that way. It all do you think she's fucking dad? It really seems like she's fucking dad. Monogamy is slavery, mom, so I don't think why you'd be upset by that. I just want to point out, I think I can notice it. I'm six. There's also this great moment where she's like,

oh, and also, by the way, I bought you these video games for your birthday. And she's like, all the West Tech games? Are you sure you didn't buy these for your research? She's like, for your birthday. Just the games. She's literally like, all the West Tech games, are you sure you didn't buy these for your research? She's like, for your birthday. Yeah. Just the games. She's literally like, what's a video game? We don't even know if this kid has a game system. I know.

I don't think she does. We certainly haven't seen her play one. So what, is she just going to fucking spin it on her finger? Well, also, also she's like, she's like six. She's not going to play Bloody Monkeys is too advanced for her. Right? Yeah. She just, she looks disappointed. Yeah. She's just,

she's like, do you like video games? And, and, and Sam is like, Oh, it's a great time to ask me now. Right now. No, I don't like video games. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this? Like $900 on video games for me. Yeah. Right. Right. So and then they're looking around the attic and they find this this toy box of old toys and it's like, wow, you've got a six year old and you keep the old toys in the attic. That's weird. She wouldn't have access, easier

access to these. But they start going through all these toys and she's like, wow, these these toys are all really good. These are such great toys. Oh, I sure do love classic toys. Classic toys. Why, I think I have an idea. Oh, I sure do love classic toys. Classic toys. Why, I think I have an idea.

Oh my God. This is, this is the part of the movie that maybe we'll talk about it. We'll talk about it. We're almost there, Eli. I know. I've seen your fucking notes. I know. So David, so the next day David bitchily takes her pants to the car. It's worth so much. Going to do her job and making money. Kelly never goes anywhere. Wearing man pants. And also by the way, he's not going to drop her off at the fucking airport. He's going to make her pay for parking.

She's been out of a coma for like three days, Noah. She's fine. Oh yeah, because she's only going to New York for like a few hours. Yes! Yes! So stupid. So yeah, and the daughter gives her a little thing. She's like, here, I made you this. Don't open it until later on in the movie. And she's like, okay. Yeah. It's like the husband hates her so much and the daughter like loves her so much.

And it's like, it's like the husband hates her so much and the daughter like loves her so much and it's like really sad. Yep. And then so she leaves, we get another one of these, we paid for this New York City B-roll and we're going to use it, damn it, montage to let us know we're back in the big city. And it's time for the big meeting, right? She's about to go into the boardroom. First, she has to open the fucking thing that Sam gave her and it's a little drawing of their family and it's very cute. And then she, and then she prays to God for guidance.

Right. And she's like, Hey, you know, does nothing again. Right. It's like everything, everything seems to indicate that what you want me to do is go back to work and make a lot of money and improve our family's station quite a bit since David's at home all the time, working from home anyway. And it really wouldn't, I could probably do most of my job remotely anyway. So it's a pin in that.

So she goes into the boardroom and she's like, well, what what's your big pitch? What's your big idea? And she starts rolling out kendamas. Kara, Kara, come join me in the court. It's very important. We do not make fun of the kendama in front of Noah. OK, why is that? We love kendamas. OK, we don't have any jokes. We love kendamas.

They're a great toy and it's really cool. Because Noah devoted something like 20 years of his life to being good at shit like that and selling toys like that. That was my job before this one was to sell plastic toys. Right. If she had pulled fake plastic thumbs out of her bag, no one would be pulling you aside to explain that it was a great and important toy and that maybe someone thinks about our record sometimes. When she pulled out the kendama, I was like, all right, if this fucking actress just goes off with a kendama, I will forgive this movie for all the leg gnawing boredom up to this point. Nobody does.

She's doing all the string tricks over her wrist and stuff. Right. Right. Nobody does a single goddamn trick with the kendama. But no one even catches it. What they have to do is she shows it. She's like, you swing it and you get it. And then off camera, the CEO guy is like, I caught it. Yes. Right. See, it's balanced up there. I caught it. It's actually it's pretty tricky.

So I'm not surprised. But yeah. Oh, my God. I told you, Kara, I warned you. She's she's she goes like, you know, this is the number one toy in Scandinavia. And then we're like, well, well, that means it already exists even in your universe. You can't just. Yeah. You can't just steal somebody else's IP. And yeah.

And then she gives my goddamn pitch, the pitch that I gave for fucking 12 goddamn years. Where she's like, it's like a video game, but this one helps with your hand eye coordination. And I'm like, shut the fuck up. Don't. Don't. I've made all of these notes about what a terrible writer you are. And then you landed on my fucking pitch at the end of the goddamn movie. It sucks real hard. If she had quit and then been like, I guess I'll start an atheist podcast, I would have

been like, all right, great American pure flicks. All right, you make fun of a guy's divorce a little too hard. She has a heart attack on her way out the door. Okay. But yeah, but then the market points that out. He points out the same thing that we just went on. He's like, yeah, this is already on the market. So you're not actually pitching us a thing, right? Yeah. She just has a bag full of toys that already exist. Right. And she's like, no, but we're going to make a new line of retro toys. And I'm like, well, that's a fucking

oxymoron right there. And we're going to call it. She says, we're going to call it grandpa's attic. And I'm like, yeah, it seems like a good idea. It doesn't actually sell very well. It turns out, unless you've got a person there to demonstrate it, nobody buys the goddamn thing. And that's too expensive, too fucking expensive. Longterm. It's just, yep. And I'm still confused about how the boss is the bad guy in this scene. Well, let me clear that up for you, right? Because he says, I love it, this is a great idea.

And it just turns out that our designers from Taiwan are in the building right now. You can go talk to them right now and we can get something going, which is fucking ridiculous because she's just pitched a name for a line of toys. What are you gonna talk to the fucking designers about at this point?

They're actually just sitting alone in a room right now. It's actually perfect. They've just been waiting. And to be fair, as you mentioned before, at this point, they have pivoted this company so much. They are fully a video game company. Yeah, they have their video toy designers. Right. Yes. What the hell are they there for? Good question. Right. Right. But yeah, he's like, why don't we just skip the first 27 steps of product development and go straight to you talking to a Taiwanese designer. And she's like, well, actually, you know, it is

my, uh, my daughter's birthday party a little later today. And he's like, weird that that would be on a Tuesday, right? As Kara pointed out, you'd normally would have that on a Saturday. She's like, right, but I have to make that. And he's like, oh that would be on a Tuesday right as Kara pointed out you'd normally would have that on a Saturday She's like right, but I have to make that he's like oh well then fuck you you can't have this Chalk between your child in this job He doesn't even say that he's like I think you need to align your priorities And she's like I'm going to I quit but like she didn't have to do that She could be like absolutely don't have to do that. She could be like how about we just't have to do that. She could be like, how about we just reschedule with the Taiwanese toy designers? Yes, no, this is my priority.

But of course, I've already made this commitment and you're asking me this in like one minute. I have a flight. Yeah, exactly. Right? I have a return goddamn ticket. I stayed in short term parking. I mean, there's so many good fucking reasons. I don't have any clothes.

Right? Yes, exactly. It's New York fucking city. I'm going to get a hotel tonight. Jesus, exactly. I can't. It's New York fucking city. I'm going to get a hotel tonight. Jesus Christ. You know how much that's going to fucking cost me? No. Yeah. There's so many good answers, but her answer is I choose my family and she storms out. I'm fired. What? And all the people look really confused. This part also gets me.

So all the same people work at this company six years later. It's just the same people from the first meeting. Very stagnant culture, yeah. Yeah, it is. And none of them are like, holy shit, you're like a walking ghost. Like, they've been for six years. So okay, so she runs out of the building and she tries to hail a taxi, but before she even can, Gabe pulls up the angel. She gets, she goes, get me to LaGuardia fast.

And of course, anyone who ever lived in New York City is like, there's no such thing as getting to LaGuardia fast. That's not a... Especially not in like a 57 Chevy. Yeah, right. Right. Exactly. Get me to the bottom of the ocean now.

Right. And I'm sure that the writer had this like the car speeds its way through New York City, driving on the sidewalk, plowing through fruit stands seen in line. But no, they don't have the budget for that. It just drives like driving like four over. That's pretty much it. But Gabe explains that God was pretty impressed with her decision to choose the birthday party over having a career.

And she gets it now. She shouldn't have a career. She's a lady. Yeah. Right. Good lessons. Am I right, Kara? The moral of the film.

I fucking hate this movie. You learn a little something from this movie. So then he's like, all right, well, now I can reset the timeline and give you back your six years. And she's like, well, I hope you don't do that with another horrific traffic accident. I, it's the only way I have to do it. I was like, he went to the Eli Bosnick school of sketch. Sorry.

Do you want to hold a giant bomb instead? Horrific car accident or star wipe. Yeah, right. We can either star wipe or Heath can pop up in the car and say, okay, what do you want? So yeah, but she wakes up in the hospital. She's back in New York City. Even though you wouldn't know it because it's still just somebody's like bedroom. Right.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So she wakes up and she's like obviously super traumatized and she's like she turns to her husband. She's like, I love you so much. And she and he's like, I love you too. She's like, no, I really, really, really love you. And she's and he's like, what's wrong with you? Yeah, he's literally like, calm the fuck down lady. Right. Right. Get over it. She just had a baby.

She wouldn't be having these like perfect because that's where they took them back to. Right. Yeah. That's the plot. Like this was the dream she had. Yeah. Right. So she just had the baby. She's waking up in the hospital and he's like surprised that she's having this deep emotional moment. Right? What? What an asshole. Yeah.

And so she realizes that she's gotten her six years back. The baby is still a baby. She didn't miss out on anything. And she's like, I need to call work. And he's like, oh, come on, you don't have to call work right now. But she's calling to tell him to fuck work. And he's like, oh, come on, you don't need to call work right now. But she's calling to tell him the fuck them. She will take that maternity leave. That's the weirdest thing.

The stakes are so low in this movie. She doesn't even quit her job. She's like, oh, I'm just going to take what's owed to me. Right. Yes. The most basic fucking thing. And obviously, like the work is just like, OK, yeah, we were trying to get you to take that anyway. How long do you want to take off? And she's like, a couple months, maybe more.

Hey, boss, it turns out I want some legal rights after all. Yeah, right. I just, yeah. And then she says this weird thing where she's like, we should go visit my dad because we're going to have all this free time now. And it's like, now that we have a newborn baby, now that we have all this free time now. And it's like, no, that we have a newborn baby. Now that we have all this newborn baby free time, since we're going to be sleeping so well, you know, we might as well do. Let's go to my dad's house without telling him with our newborn baby.

And David's like, wow, that sounds like a great idea. Who even are you now? And she goes, I'm Sam's mom. I'm defined through maternity. I'm entirely a baby brood machine. And there's, there's, that could be the, I mean, there's a whole other scene, which is so stupid. Like that could be the clothes. But like also I'm so confused here because we've gone now back in time. So how is Sam not like, or not Sam, Dave, not like, yeah, but you know, I'm still a resident.

Right, yeah, I don't have time. I can't just leave. Do you want me to crew myself? Right, yeah, don't even think about that. And also there's this weird scene here where she's like, you're the most important thing to me, other than my daughter. Oh, but God comes first, of course. don't think God actually I like God more than you or the baby. Sorry, he keeps putting me in comas anytime he doesn't like my behavior. I kind of got to watch my pees and tears.

You guys watch a lot of these movies and I think I've been out of the Christian game for a long time. But like, is that a normal thing Christians say is like, I love God more than my child? Oh, yeah. It's a huge second to God. But like, is that a normal thing Christians say is like, I love God more than my child. Oh yeah, it's a huge second to God. God, country, family, self. Yeah. It's third. It's third place in their weird little hierarchy. So it's God then Trump then their baby?

Yeah. Oh no. That's why they kick their gay kids out of the house. Yeah, okay. Or else. Yeah, exactly. No, right. Like, functionally, it's not even just a thing they say, it's a thing they do. Yeah.

So, then we cut to six years later, because I guess we have to show that, like, her daughter did grow up to be the kid from the movie, I guess. I know, right? That it's not like a butterfly effect. And they had a second baby, just like God wants, not one of those one-child whores you hear about. And it's a boy so it matters. Fine. Yes, exactly. Exactly. They have one that counts and everything. And she gave up her high

power job and he gave up being a doctor, which is something that the world just needs. And they opened a fucking store in her hometown selling kendamas. Yeah. I did. It's not going to go well. I just I know. Good luck with that. Good luck. Especially in that little fucking town. You can't make that work in New York City. You sure as hell ain't going to make it work in fucking Southport, wherever the fuck you are.

Southport, middle of the Atlantic. Yeah. Southport moving time zone. Yeah, right. Right. Yeah. But yeah, but they have another baby now. We see that Gabe is there watching over them, right? Like he just looks over and he's like, I also was in the movie and they named it after me for some fucking reason. Yeah, what does he do with all the time that he has

when he's not driving them in their car? Just fucking hangs out. He's got a dog, too. He's got a dog. Both of you wrote, is that an angel dog? Yes, exactly. What is he? Like you got a dog both of you wrote is that an angel dog? Yeah. Yes exactly What is he? Who feeds him when when he's in heaven then does he adopt a dog every time he takes human form? It is an angel have to agree to take a dog for

Do they play rock-paper-scissors up in heaven? So desperate for more explanation, more exposition here. All I wrote was big yikes to this movie. That was the only thing. Bear, that is all those five words are all the words this movie deserves. Let's be honest. I mean, our job demands more than that. But yeah. Yep.

All right. So, hey, that does it for the movie. Before we wrap stuff up, Kara, I am dying to know Eli interviewed you on Talk Nerdy to celebrate your 500 episode. Do you regret that decision? And if so, how much? I'm still trying to figure that out. What do you think, Eli? What do you think? I think it went amazing. Everyone should listen to it.

Yeah. All right. Talk Nerdy. If you haven't already checked that out, we're going to have that episode linked on the show notes. Kara, thank you so much for hanging out with us. Yeah, sure. Whatever. Yeah, that's the best we can expect. All right. Well, that does it for our review of an unlikely angel.

It's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to dunk on ourselves again next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Following a startling chain of events, the most controversial pastor in America Greg Locke Took a 180 degree turn from his mainstream religious traditions and led his church into a full blown Revival he had a diverse group of Unconventional preachers then began to spark the most important awakening in the history of the Christian church.

Oh, really? Through the most unlikely means by casting out demons. We'll be watching Come Out in Jesus Name. Come Out in God's Name, Lee. I have been waiting for this one for so fucking long. Jesus. All right, so with that to finally look forward to, we're going to bring episode 456 to Immersible Glow as well as a getting huge thanks to Kara for helping us out

and perhaps even a huger thanks to all the Patreon owners that helped make the show go. Remember, it's matron. There's never been a better time to count yourself among their ranks by making a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earning early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving this five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. If you enjoy that show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Scathing Atheist, Citation Atheist, DND Minus, and The Scathing Atheist, wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or suggestions, just get an email at godolfermovies.gmail.com. Tim Robinson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryze, Lightning, Boomer, and Joeth, and some Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Kirk, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check of your life this week for HeathenR. Neelai Bostek, I'm TheLolutions, promising to work harder on another trick next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a Breakfast Club close.

I don't know, they had another baby and went sailing again. Who cares? Who cares? Gabe went on to just be a homicidal Uber driver who heard voices and said, Kelly finally found a throuple that would appreciate her. God damn it, I hate that you got the last word. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2024, all rights reserved.