God Awful Movies - 458: The Golden Laws

Episode Date: May 28, 2024

This week, Michael Marshall joins us for an atheist review of The Golden Laws, a Happy Science Cult exploration of what they think history is. Check out more from Marsh on Be Reasonable and Skeptics with a K Check out the Maytreon goals here: https://elibosnick.wixsite.com/my-site If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts

GE kinda has to throw off the vibes by being like, I would get AIDS and have my eyes torn out by hawks to hear this. And they're like, hey, no one... Why did you volunteer that? Yeah, he's happy for his eyes to be torn apart by a million hawks. Yes. Logistically, half a million per eye is that? That's a lot of hawks!

Each of those hawks is not getting much out of that eye. No, no! That's like a bigger miracle than the fish and the bread thing, to make that one eye feed 500,000 hawks. Not Awful... ...Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie!

Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! This is my bad friend Eli Bosnik. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm fantastic, Noah.

You're just fantastic. No, no follow up gag or anything like that. Simpity dippity bip bip. Thank you. Thank you. And also joining us this week. Knock knock joke now. You do it.

You do it. And also, I already know who is there. It's our guest masochist extraordinaire, host of Be reasonable and co-host of Skeptics with a K, Michael Marshall Marsh. Welcome back. Hello, hello. I am in a fantastic mood is all I will say. It's got nothing to do with this film.

Obviously this film was interminable and very difficult to get through, but it's been a good week here in the UK and it's going to be a good six weeks. I'm going to be very happy for at least some of that time until something happens that will crush all my hopes and render me a politically wasted husk. But for the time being, I'm in a great mood. So it's election time, is it? It's election time. We're actually having an election. We're actually going to have one and they're probably going to go and it's crazy and mad stuff has already happened and

I'm very happy. Very happy. I wish we were talking about that today too, Marge. But unfortunately, this isn't the Skeptocrad. So instead, tell us, what will we be breaking down today? We watched The Golden Laws. It's the happy science anime about a boy from the future who meets a time traveler from his future and then together they go on a journey through time to, well, to kind of just be there kind of while stuff just happens around them.

It's back to the future. Yeah, there it is. Well done, sir. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love following along with the batshit adventures of everyone's favorite, ahistorical Mary Sue El Cantare. But you wish more of his movies were in bullet-pointed list form. You will love this movie. It's the fucking leftovers dinner of the happy science cult, everybody.

Right? Isn't it though, so is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to say, best worst, time traveling competence. Yes. Because they do a lot of time traveling in this movie. They time travel several times to several different time periods. But I think having thought about this film, there is only one successful example of someone deliberately time traveling to the place they want to go to. And that happens off screen. That's before she turns up.

And then everything after that is just a fuck up, after a fuck up, after a fuck up. They're useless. It's the No Illusions using a new piece of technology of time travel. Isn't it though? Isn't it? Alright, so I'm going to go with Best Worse Profundity. And I know this is kind of a cheat because this is all Happy Science Cult movies, right? Because the idea is they want to present themselves as though they're a regular movie and like a kid could actually like this movie.

And then like two thirds of the way into it, they run into Al Kuntari and he gives them the wisdom of the Happy Science Cult, right? In this movie, they like set this up for the entire fucking film. And finally, there's this moment where they're like, I'm going to impart on you the great secret wisdom of the ages. And this great secret wisdom is be good instead of bad. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's a fun, great little deflation

most of the way through the movie. And in every Happy Science movie, it is somehow more disappointing than the last time they told it to us and also somehow longer. Right. It's like, there are many ways in which you could be good. You could wear a hat that people like. You could eat just the right amount of strawberries.

Now I will list. You're just like, oh my gosh, so boring. Yeah. This time they have to go to a needle. We start seeing like the angles of rotation of a compass point and you might as well get like a protractor out and start measuring how many. If you're at like 179 degrees, okay, it's not, it's not 180, but it's, you could, you could go as far as 174. I really think you could get there. Yeah. And I'm going to go with best worst and also this guy. So right, as is also the happy science tradition, they will always list the people that El Contare has been and it's Jesus and it's Moses and it's Buddha and it's Vishnu.

But then like they always want to be like, well, we should throw some humbleness in there. So they'll end up doing someone like Isaac Newton or fucking Joseph Smith from the Book of Mormon. Yeah. This one, it's like El Contare also reincarnated as a member of his own fan club? It's fucking incredible. Yeah, we'll get there. We'll get there.

It's a fun one. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, if watching Happy Science Cult movies has taught us anything, it's that I need a break. But we'll be back in a minute with all the hastily cobbled together vignettes that are the Golden Laws. This podcast is sponsored by Naked Wines. Hi, sorry, do you work here at the grocery store?

Yeah, yeah, what's up? Well, so I was looking in your wine aisle and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. Do you have any recommendations? Sorry, you saw me loading mini muffins onto this display, and you'd like to know if I have any wine recommendations? Uh, yes? Uh, no. No, I don't.

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included. That's $100 off and less than $7 per bottle. That's nakedwines.com slash awful and use the code and password awful and grab six bottles of wine for just 39.99 One last time that's naked wines dot-com slash awful code and password awful for $100 off your first six bottles. Awesome Thanks. Now. Have you seen my British friend around here somewhere? We were shopping together Yeah, he's over in the dairy aisle yelling about how milk shouldn't be refrigerated. Look, it's a waste of electricity, I'm telling you. It's a waste. Roger, get your Roger here.

Backwards, forwards, all sorts of kinds. Pound to pound. Come on, get your Roger. Hey Marsh, Marsh, what are you doing? Oh, hey Noah. Yeah, I'm just selling my body. I've left my old job, you know, so got to make ends meet somehow. Well, we all do Marsh, but that's why there's me.

I'm not selling my body. I'm selling my body. I'm selling my body. I'm selling my body. I'm selling my body. I'm selling my body. I'm selling my body. I'm selling my body. I just selling my body. I've left my old job you know, so gotta make ends meet somehow. Well we all do Marsh, but that's why there's Matreon. Oh what's Matreon? Matreon is the time of year where we remind the listeners of this show that we can only do what we do because of

their support over on Patreon. Well that sounds nice for you, but what's in it for them? I'll tell you what, our Patreon onlyonly Pajama Party livestream! For each new and upgrading patron we get during the month of May, we're going to add new fun activities to the Pajama Party and to our shows. We've already hit enough patrons for behind-the-scenes scathing content, a song from Anna, a magic trick from Eli, and the morning of this recording we hit enough for a new episode of D&D Minus DM'd by Heath. Wow, that sounds amazing. How do folks join in?

Add a pledge or upgrade your pledge at any of our Patreon.com accounts or follow along at matriion.com. That's M-A-Y-T-R-E-O-N dot com. Alright, Noah. Well, I guess I don't have to get rogdget for money after all. Excuse me, sir. I heard your call and I'm interested in your business. Eli, I know that's you in a mustache.

You've had your wand for the day. Don't get greedy. And we're back for the breakdown. We're going to open up on a city street where some people are glowing yellow with halos of some sort or auras, I guess. Yeah, they're all glowing like we just just hovered over their character in the character selection screen. Yeah, exactly.

Or we've done like, it looks like we've done like a select all and now we can hit delete and I wrote, please God let us hit delete. And stop it. That's great. So yeah, so we see a bunch of people meeting on the street glowing yellow and then like the camera zooms out from above. And because they didn't want to have to draw a whole damn city, it's cloudy that day, you know?

Yeah. Also, it only just strikes me now, what the fuck were those people in the street about? Because they bumped into each other and then they recognized each other and said, oh, I think I've seen you before. And then we never see them again because the movie is not about them in any way. Nope. I mean, Marsh, if you were paying close attention to the prequel sequel that we watched 16 months

ago, you would remember that people have different spiritual bodies, but they are reincarnated over and over again. And the yellow glow means that they're all part of the happy science cult throughout all time in history. Gotcha. But it still doesn't answer Marsh's question because we never see any of this again in the fucking movie. I saw it. I got it. We don't even go to that period of time ever again. We keep trying, but we never get to that period of time. Yeah. So we started zooming out of this and you're like, oh, this is a Happy Science Cult

movie. I wonder how long it's going to take to get crazy. And before you can finish that thought, among our zoom outs, we zoom past the council of sky island monks that watches over the earth. Yeah. Giant space butter. I actually wrote, am I not? It's giant space butter in three, two, one. There he is. And then we've finished zooming out of the universe. And then, so we start zooming out of, I guess, different dimensions now too. It's so funny because it's very clearly that thing at the end of Men in Black where it's

the cat's marble is on the collar or whatever the fuck it is. And then the guy who is the head of happy science is like, no, no, it's stupider than that because all the galaxies are on an intersecting, infinite series of disks, which when zoomed out from are a globe, a globe that has planets. It's, that's the thing we all have in our notes here. Like, wait, what are we zooming out of now? Are we zooming out again? Or is this the universe's universe? All of this came out of that one meeting. We're now on the very edge of the universe and beyond. And I just thought, how much further is this going to...

Is the whole movie just going to be zooming further and further away? I really wanted that to be the case. It's just two hours of it just zooming out. Oh, that's so much more pleasant. So then this title card comes up and it says, a hundred billion years ago, the primordial Buddha created existences with his will. Yeah, which sucked because there wouldn't be a universe for it to live in for another 87 million years.

So those existences were just floating around and nothing. Yeah, 87 billion. Yeah. Well, but then it comes up and says also time. He did time too. That was his dibs. We couldn't fit it into that previous sentence, but he also did time. Which makes sense because I think what happened was he created existence, then he created

time and at that point he realized it'd be 87 billion years until there was a universe and he was so embarrassed like, if I'd done the time first, I'd have figured this out. Yeah, so okay. And then we get our title, The Golden Laws, and it tells us that we're in New Atlantis in the 25th century. And so the thing is, do you think New Atlantis will be like New York in that it's got nothing to do with the original Atlantis at all? They just reused the name. I think actually, because I know a little bit about science, happy science cult, I think actually because I know a little bit about science, happy science cult, I think that it's supposed to rise back up and be like the old Atlantis that sunk will now then

rise back up and they'll be. Right, because Thoth and his people use flying ships at one point to come back. I mean that was in one of the movies. I don't know if that's a prediction. It's really hard to tell what is and isn't part of the religion. What's an acid flashback that it's just from, you know, time I had in college. Yeah. So we're going to meet our main character.

This is Satoru. And Satoru is a student at this very prestigious school. He's got in the book, The Golden Laws from the school's libraries. Check that out. At one point we see like an angle from the book's perspective. And I hope the shot was titled POV, I'm Attempting Lil Buck, Come Collect Me. We're just watching him in the library.

So yeah, so, but he takes the book, he's leaving future school, everybody gathers around to expose it, all his buddies do, right? You know, we're at a very exclusive school. It's the best school in the whole country, you know, whatever. So wait, sorry, we're in the 25th fucking century. New Atlantis has risen out of the

sea and we still have the high school ranking system that is a problem in Japan, right? Yes. Yeah, absolutely. They've kept it. And so, you know, as these walk away, we pan down this insane number of stairs and we see a sign that says University of Happy Science Middle School. So. So they're middle schoolers. Because this seems like the first instance in anime of a child that's drawn like an adult. Like they flipped the script on anime in this one.

Yeah. Yeah. So he gets on his flying bus and flies home. Oh, it's a really small detail, but they're all flying bus. He gets in the bus, the bus flies away. The bus is, the number for the bus is on top of the flying bus. The one part of a flying bus you will never see. Right, right.

So, okay. So, that night Satoru's home alone, he's reading this book, the hologram Alexa thing comes on to tell him his parents are having a date night. They're not going to be around tonight. It's a hologram that tells him that, but it's only good enough to be a hologram of words. It's not even like a picture of the parents saying it. It's just some words floating, which is needlessly cheap. It just seems really tacky.

It's also weird that the words are in English and the parents are speaking Japanese. That's true. Also, are you longing for that technology, right? Are you like, I hate this fucking Post-It note. I wish this was a glowing hologram. Right, yes. Really? Let everyone know to take the trash out. So as he's reading the Golden Laws, he hears a spaceship crash out in his backyard. Right?

He runs outside and he's like, holy fuck, there's a spaceship just crashed in my backyard. Yeah, but he's like, he's weirdly freaked out by it, which is strange for a kid who lives in a world where there are just like a wide and very heterogeneous selection of flying vehicles in the sky at all times. So when there's one in his yard, why is he surprised? Yeah, right. This is like it's from the future. Oh, wait, fuck, I'm from the country. Yeah, and he goes outside to hide from it right like he goes outside looks at it And then hides behind a bush. I'm like go back into your house. Yeah, right It's just so much more hidden there, but then like the hatch opens on the spaceship and an alien gets out But then when the light hits it right? It's just it's a girl. It's a it's a it's a chick right so

She comes out and she's like hey you wouldn't happen to be so toro would you and he's she comes out and she's like, hey, you wouldn't happen to be Satoru, would you? And he's like, yeah. And she's like, yo, you're the one that I'm looking for. Right, but she specifically seems like she wanted to come back to now to see him. So like when he was a child, when he was a minor, which seems like a very odd thing to do. Yeah.

Yeah, she says, I wanted to meet you when you were 15. And I wrote in my notes, what are you, Jerry Seinfeld? Yes. And just then we start hearing alarms, right? The police sirens are going off and she's got to get away, but her time machine is broken. She needs his iPad from the future. To charge her time machine. Is it to charge? I don't.

Yeah. Okay. Or like a jump start. Maybe she has like the batteries flat flat and she needs like a jump start to get it going. She's going to sort of stick the iPad on like two little clips on the battery under the bonnet or the hood. I guess, yeah. So yeah, but so the cops are showing up and he brings her the notepad and he's like, you can only have this if I can time travel with you.

And she's like, oh, fine. But I feel like they just say, oh no, I'll just look up the nearest stationers. I'll just pop to like to Ryman's or somewhere and get my own one of these and not have to take you on a jaunt through time. Right. But she's like, well, where in time do you want to go? And he says, let's go to Japan in 2003, the year that this movie was made. Right. 2003, the year that this movie was made. Right?

So, and by the way, so the cops show up, they've got their guns drawn, because apparently in the future, Japan gets America cops. Oh, no, I'm sorry, New Atlantis gets America cops. Well, they start off like drawing like the rings on their finger holding them like their guns. But then when they start to think there's actual danger, they get actual guns out. So I don't know what the ring things were all about. We just never see the rings deployed.

I wasn't sure about that. But yeah, but the cops, they swing around into the backyard just after the time machine disappears into time. So okay, so now we're flying through fucking time space, I guess. Which is also time water. Yeah, right. And also a. Which is also time water. Yeah, right. And also a tunnel. It's super unclear.

Satoru is feeling very blurry. Yeah, he's got time sickness. And don't worry, they will instantly solve that and never mention it again. She's like, oh no, you just need your spirit body to cover you up. And he's like, fucking what? And she's like, you know those stupid glasses you see people wearing on TikTok? It's like that, but with your soul. And he's like, oh, I got it. But also the book at this point, he's got the book within the Golden Laws book he got

from the library and that's all blurry as well. And I thought, is the book also got time sickness when the book also has a spirit come and help him out? Yeah. You know, she goes like, your body's converting to a spirit body because of the time travel. And I thought to myself, like I had to listen to that whole Tucker Carlson interview with Aaron Rodgers for a guest spot I did on Where There's Woke with Thomas and Lydia Smith. And I was like, wow, it was a lot like this. Like I watched these two back to back. This would fit into both this statement. But yeah, so she explains that they're traveling through the spirit world, also known as the fourth dimension. That's not what that...

I feel like those aren't the same thing. No, they're totally different. But she says, there's no time in this dimension. And I'm like, weird that your words are in an order then. But also she says, but otherwise things occur in chronological order. Well, yeah, that's what those words mean. That would be time. That's what that is.

That happens, yeah. They can't not. Yeah, exactly. And I will point out, at this point in the movie, I had written down, there's no way this doesn't end with her fucking her own granddad and ending the world. And I come weirdly close to being right about this. You come so fucking close to that. Within minutes.

Yeah. So, okay. But just then, there's an alert because his iPad is fucking things up. Now I hope you enjoy this listener because we're gonna do this a hundred and thirteen more times before this movie is over. The entire plot resolution of this movie will be the time machine going, all right that's enough of that scene I'm gonna explode or something. Yes, yeah so we get this extended sequence of them almost crashing through time. Right.

And this is a sequence we've seen done better in a thousand cartoons. Right. But, but like, oh no, they're in ancient Egypt and somebody sees them and carves them into the hieroglyphs. And which I don't think that's how that works. Like he carves the hieroglyphs so quickly. It's not like dictation. It takes times so quickly. It's not like dictation. It takes time to do that.

It's not like in real time. Also there's a point where they fly too close to this guy, I think in ancient Japan, and he sees the bottom of the ship as a demon. And I wrote, note to self, I shouldn't have been persuaded to get that demon face landing gear upgrade. That's stupid. Time machine dealership sales rep was so bushy and I just should have been stronger.

I should have gone with the twisted T-rap. I don't know why I did this. There's also a moment where they appear in Babylon and there's a dude looking at him and goes like, wow, that was crazy. Oh, this is where she accidentally shoots off her gigantic pillar of fire gun. Yep. No, she does have one of those.

Yeah. She'd never got the downward facing flame throwers installed either. Next time I let my wife go at the dealership instead. She won't get pushed around like I did. But to be fair, Marsh, those were free with the undercoating. Those were free. So, but then after the fire thing shoots off and then they disappear back into time, somebody says, Ezekiel, are you ready to go? And he goes like, well, man, I've got a great story for my Bible.

They could not pick a crazier person, right? Because I know they're going for like looked into the fire in the air. But like, keep in mind that if we had continued to watch this shot, Ezekiel would be like, anyways, bake your poop into some bread. Yeah, I got to bake some. I gotta eat a scroll real quick. Well, it was so funny is that they do this over and over again in this movie, this sort of like, oh, that spiritual thing for that religion. That was really just these kids in a time machine.

But like also God though, right? There's also God doing the other stuff. Yes. So Ezekiel really did see God. But on this one occasion, though, it was Like there's also God doing the other stuff. Yes. So Ezekiel really did see God, but on this one occasion though, it was a time machine. It was a teenager. It was two tweens in a time machine. Yeah. Yeah. So, but she can't figure out what's wrong with the time machine. She slams her hands down on it and it's fixed. So that's like the Marty McFly time machine repair method. It works out just fine for him. So then's like, oh let's exit into the third dimension.

Where damn it if they aren't almost eaten by a sea dragon. Yeah, what are you just exiting into a random place in the time scope for? What are you, fucking a tourist being like, if we get off the subway we'll be able to figure out where we are and think things through. See I didn't realize... Harlem, huh? I thought for a moment they were going back to 2003. This is a Happy Science cult film, so like, I don't know that he doesn't think there's water demons flying around in Japan. They may have been all the rage in the years after 9-11.

I don't know. I can't remember. No, that's honestly, that's what I was thinking too. I'm like, oh yeah, I bet their cult actually probably thinks there's dragons in the water, don't they? But no. Would they think the dragons were like lithe and slim and water efficient? Or would they go for like fairly chubby dragons?

Like slightly out of shape dragons who are kind of struggling to keep up. This dragon, you ever have a friend who has a fat cat and they won't let you call it fat? That's what this dragon looks like, right? Is you're like, oh, what a big, what a fluffy boy. This water dragon. Yeah. And so they're, but the dragon is attacking them. They're dodging left and right.

And I'm like, you're in a flying vehicle. It's a sea monster. How about you dodge up? You dumb fucks. All the way up. Yeah. I feel like up is the major direction to be traveling. But no, they're lefting and writing,

so naturally it knocks them into the water. Don't worry, the time machine is also a submarine. Yep. And then just then she yells, Oh God, help us. And he hears her. So God shows up and does the fucking, the flare trick from Jurassic Park with the Sea Dragon.

Jason Vale He does. Yep. He does do the flare trick from the Jurassic Park. Yep. Jared Sarkiss So with us still thinking there in 2003, suddenly an old timey ass fleet shows up with Greek warriors on it. Jason Vale Yep. That time the Spartans invaded 2003 Japan. We all remember it from the history books. Jared Sarkiss So everyone's like, ah, fuck, we've got to fight this sea monster. So, they all grab their bows and arrows and they fire their arrows at the sea dragon. They have no effect. So they fire their arrows at the sea dragon again.

They do it again! The second time's the charm, absolutely. You softened it up like a pickle jar. Get in! So the sea dragon, he attacks the boat. The boat jukes, and I was like, wow, that was pretty good boating, but he gets them anyway. And this is the point of my notes that I wrote down. This was meant to be happy signs, explaining the concept of time. That's what we were promised in like the opening scroll.

We're 15 minutes in, and a teenager from the future has taken another teenager from a different future back to what I thought was 21st century Japan, where a water monster is drowning some Spartans. We're 15 minutes in. Yeah. And can I say it makes a lot more sense than the concept of time in this Happy Science mythology. Yeah, no, actually that is their understanding of the concept of time, Marsh.

I don't know where you're confused. So yeah, but the dragon destroys one of the ships, then he goes after the flagship. But that's where Hermes is with his magic staff. Right? Yeah. And he's not even going to use his magic staff. He's like, babe, babe, babe, hold my magic staff. I'm going to fist fight this big fucking catfish thing. It's so frustrating that he doesn't use the staff, that he does everything but use the staff. It's really annoying. Well, especially because he's eventually going to use the fucking staff, right? We know that he is. And I thought, is it like in the Power Rangers where they've got like the big sword with

the move that kills them. But you can't just go straight to that. You can't be like, oh, I'm just going to be the big robot and just like before the monster even gets blown up to large size by Rita Repulsa, I'm just going to like step on it and stab the tiny monster and then we're done with. But no, you can't do step on it. Yeah, I have the tiny monster. I'm done with but no you can't do that Yeah, yeah So yeah, so he sword fights the dragon. He throws a spear down his throat sword in the eye and everything, but that doesn't work

Great. He yells Aphrodite grab the golden arrow and I'm like what is happening? Feel like you get your golden arrow ready before Open with that. I feel like the minute you see the catfish monster, you're like, hey, golden arrow, hey, let's get all the weapons ready. Right, all the special. Also gold seems like a shit arrow material, right? I don't think that. So yeah, but he fires the golden arrow and the monster dies.

It hits it right in the eye. The monster dies, but then it undies. It comes back out of the water and it's like, no it right in the eye. The monster dies, but then it undies, it comes back out of the water and it's like, no, I'm not dead. And he's like, well, fuck, now hand me back the goddamn staff. Okay, I guess we'll use the staff. You know what?

It's good that I shot him with that arrow because it can be sort of a lightning rod for my lightning powers that I have that I didn't use first. Right, yeah. Well, right before an entire boat of people drowned and died and shit. my lightning powers that I have that I didn't use first. Right. Yeah. Well, right before an entire boat of people drowned and died and shit. Yeah.

So many of your men have died in this fight. You're like, well, I guess I'll use the scepter then. Right. I get it. You don't want to be the one trick pony. You know, that's going to get boring. You've got the magic scepter. You can end any fight with the magic scepter.

That's going to start getting boring. But just don't let so many of your men die along the way. Right. Exactly. So yeah. So everybody on the boat is celebrating Hermes great triumph. They're over the deaths of the other guys already. This is very interesting. And then they look out and they see that Alisa and Satoru, Alisa is the girl, we never mentioned her name, but Alisa and Satoru are like jacking and rosing it on their sinking time machine. Yeah.

And the people on the board are shocked to see them. It's like you just fought a giant water dragon and you're shocked to see two kids on some driftwood. Guys, guys, water dragon, water shmagon, are those two tweens? Right, yeah, exactly. But they're like, oh, we should help them. And Hermes is like,

Hermes knows time travelers when he sees them, right? He's like, oh, you probably need me to use my god powers to fix your time machine, don't you? And they're like, fuck yeah, man. Well done. Wow, that's really good. Give me the time machine arrow. Okay, so you've got like an arrow for everything.

Well, no, he uses his scepter. It's like, god, that scepter really is great, isn't it? I really can't emphasize how much you should lead with that in any fight with giant dragons. Right. Yeah, exactly. And so, and they go to leave and I'm like, I wrote my notes at this point. I'm like, wow, guys, was that just a random action beat that exists for its own purposes and relates to the movie in no other way? And it is, but like, so is every other scene.

Right. You overestimated this one moment. Yes, exactly. Yeah, completely. I was exactly the same. Naively, I wrote down what a completely pointless scene even within the confines of this movie without realizing that that's all this movie is going to be. Just scenes of that pointlessness stitched together.

Yep. Exactly. Well, at this point, it's still possible to believe the movie's heading in some sort of direction. So before we have to shatter that hope altogether altogether we're going to pause for a quick break but we'll be back in a minute with even more of The Golden Laws. Oh, thanks for taking me to a typical New York diner, Noah. No problem, Arsh. You're an institution.

Hey, welcome to typical New York diner. Can I start you guys with something to drink? Sure, yeah. I'll have a Coke. I'll have a coffee, please. Alright, I did not write anything down and I will be back in 45 minutes. Wait what? Wow just 45 minutes. This place is great. Okay I see. So um what's good here? Oh nothing. Nothing. What? How is that possible? This menu

is what? 45 pages. Oh do you not have the specials in yours? Here, take mine. Right. It's pretty tough to get a fresh cooked meal these days, huh? No, not with HelloFresh. Wait, what's HelloFresh? With HelloFresh, you get farm fresh, pre-portioned ingredients and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep. Skip trips to the grocery store and count on HelloFresh to make home cooking easy, fun, and affordable. That's why it's America's number one meal kit. Okay, but do they have as much variety as this whole page of seafood options?

Yeah, you might want to close that so you don't get food poisoning. From the menu? Yeah, from the menu. But to answer your question, yes, you can dive into HelloFresh's biggest menu yet with over 45 recipes and even more market items to choose from every single week. 45 recipes? That's amazing! Alright, well maybe I'll just get a dessert from that foggy display near the front door. Well, how'd you like dessert for free with HelloFresh?

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I love how the meals each come in their own bag and how everything unpacks in seconds. That's why I, NoahLusions, personally endorse HelloFresh. Alright Noah, I'm in. Where do I sign up? Just go to helloFresh.com awfulsweet for free desserts for life. One dessert item per box while subscription is active. That's free dessert for life at HelloFresh.com awfulsweet. All right, here we go. One Coke and one Toffee. No, I ordered a coffee. Oh, I wonder why you started with toffee. Why do you even have toffee?

It's a whole page of the menu. Right, got it. Yep. My pages were stuck together. Toffee. Yeah, that'll happen. Yeah. You're a way different voice than you started as.

Oh, yes, I was Russian when I started out. That's right. Hey, honey, your mother and I are headed out. Yeah, be good now. I will. Right. So I, sorry, I just want to clarify. Yeah, dad.

By be good, I mean, do not steal my time machine. Um, sure. Because, you know, it's a time machine. I honestly can't believe that I'm doing a date night when the opportunity for time travel is just sitting in the garage. But it's Thursday. Yep. Yes, it's Thursday.

So we're going to instead of time traveling, we're just going to do that tomorrow, I guess, on Friday. But going to Bennegan's. Yep. Going to Bennegan's. Anyway, I just I can't emphasize enough. I guess on Friday. But going to Bennigan's? Yep. Going to Bennigan's. Anyway, I just can't emphasize enough. Please don't take the time machine to the past for any reason at all.

Right? Because we don't know what happens when you do that and we won't know until after Bennigan's. Got it, Dad. Thanks. Right. Alright, see you later. Oh, can we check out that new cocktail bar in the city after Bennigan's? I would like to travel due time, Susan. Thursday.

Fine. Fine. We'll check out the cocktail bar. Nice. I'm gonna get a mojito. And we're back for more of this shit. We're gonna rejoin the kids. They're in their time machine going like, that's weird.

We run into Greek gods, huh? That's weird. And they are swooning over how hot Hermes was. They just cannot let go of Hermes. They really, really love that Hermes guy. Right. They're trying to figure out, and this will come back. He really thinks that Hermes is

awesome, but he's not quite sure what awesome means. Well, okay. So this is so fucking dumb. We didn't bother to say it because so much dumb shit was all happening at once, but they have universal translators, right? They put Babel Fish in their ears earlier in the movie. Which was already stupid because they were going to the year 2003 Japan and they were already speaking Japanese. So like by their own logic, they did not need that. They just got lucky

that they that they happen to have it. Yeah, right. Just having to have them on board. Yeah. So but they've got those on and he says, wow, Hermes was really awesome. And she's like, what does this word awesome mean? And I'm like, your universal translator isn't just giving you your time's word for awesome. What a shitty babble fish you've got going there. But yeah, that's gonna be important. Now this is the theme though that we've set up. Pay attention here folks,

cause we're gonna do this again. If this movie has a through line, it is about what the word awesome means. Yeah, right, right, yeah. But the formula that we've set up here now is that they're gonna go into a time, they're gonna do their thing at that time, and then they're going to go back into the time machine to talk about that historical slash mythical moment and how it relates to happy science

cult theology. Yeah, they basically like rewrite all the Greek myths. Yeah. Right. So that they fit into the framework. Exactly. Science cult. Exactly. He goes like, yeah, a lot of people think that Hermes was mythical, but happy science cult. Exactly. Exactly.

He goes like, yeah, a lot of people think that Hermes was mythical, but no, he was a real dude. As it was a real guy fought sea dragons and shit in reality. And there's also okay, it's really clear early on that Satoru is Alyssa's like great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather or something, but she doesn't outright say that. No, it's just it's clear to us as the audience. The movie uses it as a twist towards the end of the movie, but keep in mind that her initial statement of, I wanted to meet you when you were 15, is fucking insane if they're not

somehow related or know each other. She wanted to meet a random teenager? Right. Well, either that or something absolutely horrific happens to him at 16 and she wanted to get him before that. No, no, no. You don't understand. You're the rhino cage.

You'll get it. You'll get it. When you fall in the cage. Right. But then, but what makes this super uncomfortable is that we know this all the time and then like he is like falling in love with her. Like, oh yeah, that they play up the sexual tension so, so far. is that we know this all the time and then like he is like falling in love with her. Like oh yeah that they play up the sexual tension so so far it's like please don't make us watch these anime 15 year old fuck I have lines even for God awful movies that I would not cross.

Right that makes one person on this podcast. You are outvoted. So yeah but she's like oh well you know the time machines are all fucked up, so we can't go directly to 2003. We're going to have to inch towards the plot a little bit at a time. Oh, my God. I wrote in my notes inch towards the plot as though they were ever going to get there. That's literally never actually. So but yeah, she's like, we can only go a thousand years at a time. Yeah, like they're going to drive all the way home in second gear. Basically, is what they're going to try. Right. Yeah.

Well, they've got that Tesla time machine, right? And so it always tells them that they have enough to get there, but that puts you at exactly zero percent where you get to, right? It's a whole thing. But the thing is as well, she says, oh, I don't understand. We were supposed to be going to the year 2003 and we went to 2000 BC and I thought, oh, please don't let this be that she just forgot to set the BCAD toggle on the death selector. Right, yeah. Because like a software mistakes score, you know, that could be worse.

You know, they could have accidentally ended up on January the 1st, 1970, which is a very niche UTC joke. Okay, there you go. I'm sure there are some of our British listeners. All computer dates start on the 1st of January, 1970. When I don't find one of your jokes funny, Marge, I always assume that it's because I'm not smart enough. So there it is I always assume that it's because I'm not smart enough.

So there it is. And I assume it's because I'm not British enough. So don't worry, you are covered on this podcast. So yeah, so but yeah, they wind up in Egypt and it's nice because the time machine takes them out at a nice recognizable landmark like the Sphinx. Good. And they knock the Sphinx's nose off, right? Classic.

Why does every time travel movie feel the need to do that? Because there's not a lot of creativity in the world. I just hope in a couple of thousand years, that trope has become doing 9-11. Oh, come on. Like every kid's movie will be like, uh-oh, were there two of those towers? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Thanks, marbles. Marbles is the lovable animal sidekick. Right. If you'd like to buy your marble plush, you can. Yeah. Which genocide does marbles deny, Eli? All of them, baby. So yeah, so they wind up outside this Egyptian city and they see an army issuing forth, right? So they're like, oh, I wonder what this army is chasing.

They run along and damn it if they don't see all the exodus in Hebrews. Yeah. It's great because there's like people, but the army's like chasing out of the area and she says, oh, they're heading somewhere else. Let's get there before they do. So, right, but you don't know where they're going. So you can follow them, but you can't preempt them unless you know where they're going.

What if they turn left? Oh, fuck, I didn't think about it. They turned somewhere. Yeah, but the Satoru is in the time machine. He's like, oh, let me tell you about Moses. And I'm like, what is this? The fucking Quran? But she's like, oh, let's shift into invisible mode and warn Moses that the bad guys are

coming. Right, because again, all of these adventures will be a mix of tweens interceding in history and God interceding in history. So to be clear, Moses is now going to get a message of warning from God who will speak to him for the first time in a 15 year old girl's voice. Yes. Well, and also like, it makes you wonder maybe that's how God did everything, right? Maybe there's just a series of wacky time traveling teenagers accidentally enacting

each of the ten planes. Bouncing off each other at all times. Yeah. Well, you'd think that. And because I thought at this point, ah, okay, we've already established that the time travel ship can can have things shooting out the bottom of it. So that's how they're going to part the water. They're going to get there and they're the ones who part the water. But no, they just hover around

in the sky watching actual God part the water. So they're still just the onlookers on this, even though they could have very easily explained what was happening there. Right. No, it's such a weird mix. Because her, like she acts, she goes back and she's like, oh, we'll use my fire pillar holograms to stop the fire tornado holograms to stop to slow them down. And then we're like, oh, wow. So the whole thing she's going to do the parting the water and then but the movie's like, no, because there is a God and he parted the water. So he watched that part. And also this was an interesting insight. So we watched this in the original Japanese

with subtitles and it was just an interesting insight because I'm watching Moses speak Japanese and that's fucking hilarious, but I'm like, that's not funnier than him speaking English, right? It's just, it's obvious how funny it is that we've got Moses speaking English to me because I'm seeing this. Do you think they had him speak in Japanese with an accent? Cause like you say Moses, they'll have like a bit

of a middle Eastern accent kind of going on or like an old timey kind of accent. Do you think he had like an old timey accent speaking Japanese? Oh, I don't know. In Japanese. Okay, so for our Japanese speaking listeners, will you check and make sure they're not doing a Jew voice?

Because we need to call that out. If like, if they were doing the Japanese version of like, oh no, here come the Egyptians, you have to tell us. You have to let us know. Now more than ever. Yeah, and so, so that we watch the Egyptians go through the part of the sea, the sea closes up before the Egyptians go in, because they didn't want the kids to have to deal with the horrible murder.

Just two tweens being like, oh, they're all drowning. Yeah, right, right. You want to go back into the time stream? Yeah, right. I really wanted us to have to watch a load of horses drown at this point. If anything, for me, that would have been a win-win situation. That would have made this movie infinitely better. God damn it, Marsh.

Your horse Vendetta, you're getting us cancelled, okay? Marsh's horse Vendetta does not speak on behalf of Puzzle and the Thunderstorm LLC. It doesn't extend to donkeys. We're going to take, we're going to make you guys, you'll have to like zip line onto a horse and that's going to be our next Patreon go. Also, this is the point of the film where I realized these kids are Forrest Gumping their way through every event of spiritual significance. They sure are.

This is just a spiritual Forrest Gump. They sure the fuck are. So they get back in their time machine. I love to, like Satoru is like, yeah, so things don't go great for the Jews from here. We really could have probably told them about the Holocaust. Damn. Oh, wait, did you just say the Egyptians are coming? They knew the Egyptians were coming. Oh, right, right. So yeah, so they get back into the time stream and they're rear ended by a glowing golden orb?

At this point, the movie is just running out of things to go wrong with the ship, right? Because the last two times the ship just kablooied, right? And now they're in a new place. This time they fucking get knocked out of the way by a motorcyclist, right? Who gives them the finger in the time stream. I really wanted to be a different set of 15 year olds in a time traveling device. Engaging in some sort of interstellar dog fight.

That would be incredible. Yeah, exactly. Right, right, we just made it rain frogs. So yeah, and now I guess for the 18th fucking time, the ship is crashing and Elisa is desperately typing at it. But ultimately they land in India at the time of the Buddha. And they know that because the second they crash and pop out of the ship, someone yells to a different group of guys, hey, the Buddha is preaching here, guy.

You want to go hear the Buddha? You mean the Buddha? No, I mean Steve Buddha. He's on a donkey sanctuary outside of Bangalore. Hey everybody, it's me, Chris Buda. So Sartaro's like, Alisa, we should go see Buda. He's the reincarnation of both Hermes and Moses. Don't you get it?

We're traveling through the various incarnations that the founder of the happy science cult claims for himself. To be, right, yes. Yeah. Oh God, I wish he had to do all of them. I wish the movie made him do all of them. Right, and to Princess Diana, yeah, absolutely. Yes, exactly, that's where I'm at, yeah, right.

I mention Princess Diana a lot in my notes. So yeah, so, but then we have to cut to the evil king. So they've added a bad guy to Buddhism. Right. So there's this there's this evil monk that wants to kill Buddha and take over Buddhism. I guess it'll be him ism or whatever. When he's done with it. But he's talking to the evil king. Yeah. Evil King Exima.

Yeah. Right. Right. Yes. Well, that's how we know he's evil, right? Because he's got a skin condition. That's yeah. But he tells me he's like, hey, once I'm in charge, I'll make all the people love you. And he's like, yeah, okay, go kill Buddha then. Yeah, sounds good. Okay.

I want to talk about a weird choice they made for these villains, right? And this is pretty true of a lot of animes. A lot of the time when you have a villain, they'll be like twitchy, right? But they've chosen to make both of the villains of this scene twitchy so there's literally a moment and and Marsh I'm glad you have it in your notes too there's literally a moment where they finish the conversation and then both characters kind of like twitch at each other for a second. I've got block capitals twitch fight. No it's like the room had fleas at a certain point yeah rather than so yeah

so then okay we the kids are flying in their invisible time machine over eagle No, it's like the room had fleas at a certain point. Yeah. Rather than. So yeah. So then, okay. The kids are flying in their invisible time machine over Eagle Peak to hear a good old Buddha sermon. As he's walking through, Satoru notices that the evil monk has a boulder that's waiting to roll onto Buddha as soon as he steps on the big red axe. Right?

It's a very wily coyote attempt to kill him. It is. He's got an Acme rocket strapped to it or something. And so the boulder starts to fall on him and Buddha's like, that boulder ain't got shit on me. So he just stands there. I hope his next attempt at assassination is he draws like a tunnel on the side of a mountain and puts a sign saying enlightenment this way.

It's all coming, look at him. So now importantly, once everyone sees the boulder, there's plenty of time to just move out of the way, but know what he does? Buddha's got like a secret service that all surrounds him. And he just stands there all calm. And then Alisa blasts the boulder and vaporizes it with her time machines laser gun Yeah, she laser booped it. Yeah. Why can we talk about the ears? Yeah, we do have to talk about the ears. Yeah, okay. Yeah, sorry

I missed 90% of this scene because Buddha okay So I looked this up because I was like why does Buddha have elephant ears? And luckily, Google was like in some representations. And I was like, OK, good. This isn't a happy science cult thing. So in the Hindu mythology, where Buddha is the reborn Vishnu, he said with a question mark, so he can't get in trouble. Where Buddha is one of the reborn Hindu gods as well, that is a representation that he's also that god.

I see. Okay. Gotcha. It all makes sense and is normal. And I didn't spend all of his screen time during the movie just typing ears, ears, ears over it. Yeah. It's like his aloes reconnect midway through his neck. They do. Yeah, right. They go all the way down. As a matter of fact, you can't see him below the shirt, but they keep going. So yeah, so then we get booty. He's like kind of red carpeting his way through town. Everybody's like, oh, it's the booty. He's coming through. Oh, wow. Very, very, very awesome. And Sotaru and Elisa are also standing there red carpeting with him.

Yeah, they're back. They went to Eagle Peak to see him speak and he just like walked away from there to where they just were. They must have been so annoyed. It's like, oh, fuck it. You can't, we keep missing each other like some sort of French farce. Right. They get back and everyone's set up tents. There's a really long line now.

Come on! So yeah, so, but Sotaru notices the twitchy bad guy and he's like, look how twitchy that guy is. He must be the bad guy, right? We're in an anime. So they follow him down into this alley where he's paying off a couple of guys to try to kill Buddha with the stampeding elephant. I feel like that's, I feel like it's a bad technique.

I feel like you have very little control over that. 100% flawless plan because we all know that elephants target Buddhas first. That's like their natural thing. It's like they run away from mice. They run towards Buddhas. That's how elephants work. Because Buddhas are the opposites of mice. This all makes sense. Absolutely. Joke retracted. Also, if you're ever going to bribe someone to assassinate someone else with an elephant,

would you make them count out the bribe in coins right there in front of the elephant? Because he goes through one by one these coins. So yeah, so they, and the kids see this and they're like, oh, we better warn Buddha that an elephant's coming. But a couple of like knights or whatever find him and they're like, no, we're going to hold on to you for the remainder of the scene. And they're like, damn. Because once again, like they've used the time." And they're like, damn. Because once again, they'd used the

time machine to say, oh, some miraculous thing that the Buddha did was actually just these kids with the time machine. Now they have to show him actually do something miraculous. So the elephant comes tearing through, it sees Buddha and it's like, that's the guy. That's the guy. That's the guy. Yeah. The great thing is the crowd work in the background. They shout, that's the guy, right? That's the guy. That's the guy, yeah. The great thing is, the crowd work in the background, they shout, they don't shout, it's a killer elephant. They shout, it's the killer elephant. Like this is a notorious elephant. Apparently this guy's got a reputation.

There's wanted porters all over town due to being hung later that day. You guys really wanted P.T. Barnum El Contare to show up and be like, I have a solution. Oh no. Citation needed listeners, and be like, I have a solution. Oh, no. Citation needed listeners get that joke. I'm just saying. No, they don't. They don't. Because you meant to say Thomas Edison. But no. Oh, that shit. I did mean to say. But now they get it. Now they get it. And now they're all sad. Damn

it. And it's my fault. So, yeah. But the elephant goes to stomp on Buddha, but Buddha, Buddha's at him, right? He goes full Buddha stance. And then the elephant apologizes, bows to him and cries. Cries. He changes his ways. Cries a single remorseful tear. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

Yeah. Because that elephant knows an incarnation of El Khantari when he sees one. And King Exuma, he's super impressed. He's like, oh wow, the Buddha is pretty awesome, right? So then we cut back to Twitchy Monk and he's like, ah damn, I haven't, you know, I've tried and I've tried. Now I've got one last backup plan. You know, murder plots come in threes. I have this super deadly poison where one drop would be enough to kill an elephant. Right.

This guy's plans seem to have a very elephant motif. You know, he kills all the elephants. There's a real theming there. Yeah, he's a poison. And if that doesn't work, I'll infect him with this elephantitis virus. Well, so when he said, you know, this one drop will kill an elephant, I'm like, are you taking vengeance on the elephant for not doing its job? But no, he's going to he's going to put some on his fingernail and then he's going to stab

Buddha with his fingernail. I'm like, why wouldn't you use anything that isn't part of your body for that? You'd think right? The deadly poison would have to go on something that is I know they didn't have like, you know, a spork you could grab from the cafeteria, but they did have sharp sticks. They had sharp stuff. Also, like, we've established that this guy is a very twitchy character. What we haven't also established is that he's a chronic nail biter. In every one of the previous scenes he's biting his nails. So he's like, my nails, that gives me an idea. I'll put the things that I can't keep out of my mouth into the poison and

that'll be the best delivery mechanism to someone other than me. Yeah. So yeah, so he's running that Buddha. He's going to stab him with the poison fingernail. Satoru looks over at him and he's just like, oh shit, that must be a poison fingernail. And he yells, he's like, Buddha look out. Buddha turns around and he like stares at him. He does the Buddha thing.

He hits him with the blue steel and he's like oh man he totally that guy is so free of want right now I just came and here's the best part right so he like falls to it he does the elephant thing right where he falls to his knees and I'm like I'm sorry I killed tried to kill you with a poison nail and Buddha's like yeah we don't really have a sin concept. So do better my man. Yeah. He's like, I'm going to eat this poison because it's a children's movie and we need kind of a tighter clothes than that. And he's like, I mean, do you like the truly amazing thing? Yeah. He goes, he bites his fingernail and he goes, oh, the poison, it's going to kill me. And then Buddha starts healing and we're

like, Oh, Buddha's going to forgive him for that thing. And he's going Oh, the poison, it's going to kill me. And then Buddha starts healing and we're like, Oh, Buddha's going to forgive him for the thing and he's going to heal him from the poison. But no, he's healing the king's eczema. He lets that guy die. I'm actually, well, he has his healing powers out. I'm actually getting the guy behind you. I started my spell around you. I'm healing over top of you.

I was so surprised by this because I thought he was doing the healing on that guy and then the king was just like collateral damage. He was just like sending out panacea vibes in all directions. But no, he only healed the king. Right. He just let the other dude die. Alright, and just then, so we cut back to Satoru and Elisa and just then her, the time machine is about to leave with or without you alarm goes off.

Yep. Yeah. Which we have never introduced up to this point. Nope. And I feel you do tell him that the time machine can leave without you before you leave the time machine the first time. Like you don't spring it at this point. Also, you set that, I feel like you set that alarm at an hour, you know, hour and 15.

A day, do a day, give yourself space. This girl seems to know everything about the time machine that every time she gets inside it she instantly loses control of. Yes. Well no, that's the heated seats button right there. Oh god damn it, we're in 13th century Russia. Yeah. So they're like, oh, we got to go right now. And the guards are like, no, remember, we're holding you from earlier. And Buddha's like, no, no, I remember them from back when I was Hermes. They're good. You can let them go back to their time machine. So with now that that's instantly deflated. So they leave. Sotaru is like really bummed that he didn't actually get to hear a full on Buddha sermon at any point.

And I'm like, yeah, if only you were in a fucking time machine and could... Oh God, this movie really is just this kid meeting his heroes and then not shutting the fuck up about it. Like, God, get some chill kid. Yeah. So, but he's still got that golden book from before. Remember the Book of the Golden Laws? And she's like, hey, I don't suppose your Book of the Golden Laws has anything about why our time machine keeps crashing.

And he's like, it'd be really fucking weird if it did, wouldn't it? Yeah, it's a total Hail Mary, but it fucking does. This 400 year old book is actually a manual for fixing the time machine that your dad invented in the fourth millennium. Right, well, so yeah, he says, yeah, actually, it does have an entry for this thing that happens 400 years after it was written. It says that we get trapped and lost in the river of time forever, which spoiler alert, they don't. They don't. And this is so great, right? Because people who watching this are part of the cult,

they have read the golden laws and One of the things that they say right because he's got all these stupid predictions and one of them is that time travelers will get lost In the river of time and so he's assuring us like no I know if you've read the book you think it might be these kids don't worry. They're gonna make it out They're not the time travelers. I predicted they're just for my anime movie Also, so when when he says that they're gonna get lost in the river of time, her face does the thing that I can only describe as I took a lot of acid back into that. It goes very Picasso for a moment.

Yes. So, yeah. So, but then the golden light crashes into him and pushes him out of the time stream again, like that stupid fucking mechanic in the Flash movie and we cut to Jesus dragging the cross, right? Past a very low key crowd. Like the energy of this scene isn't what I was hoping for from a crucifixion. It's a very chill crucifixion. Yeah. Yeah, they're throwing rocks, but there are hearts not in it. Yeah. Or maybe this is like very early on in his crucifixion. Yeah. Yeah, they're throwing rocks, but there are hearts not in it. Yeah. Or maybe this is like very early on in his crucifixion walk and like all the crowds have got the best spot later on. And these are the guys who came late and you know, the stragglers

early on kind of thing. Yeah. It's like those old ladies that were like six miles from the Queen's body getting interviewed on the BBC. It was like, okay, you obviously didn't care that much. The people that wave at cyclists on the Tour de France that kind of thing exactly. Yeah, right, right, right So yeah, so so the people who waver the Queen's body on the tour So, yeah, so but but he's getting crucified they show up they're like floating over the The crucifixion and I'm like, oh my god, are they gonna save Jesus? They don't they don't they I'm like, Oh my God, are they going to save Jesus? For the crucifixion? Oh my God. They don't. They don't. They're just like, Oh, fuck it. We got to go. And I also like, so they leave and I, Jesus kind of looks up at him. I'm like,

please tell me that their time machine is who Jesus was talking to when he asked why they'd forsaken him. Right? Yeah. He was like, come on guys, a little hand. I'm right here. You did fire, tornadoes and lasers for Moses. You broke a boulder for Buddha and you guys are just going to sit there for me and they're like, sorry, it's just your thing is really, it's got your whole thing. It's really honestly, if you think about it, it's not really like, you know, they got rid of the book of the shepherd. Not a lot of juice left in the time machine these days. You've got to save energy.

So yes, they watch the crucifixion and then they see all these angels come down from heaven to bring his spirit back up or whatever. Oh yeah, to Monty Python into the sky. This is pure Monty Python animation. And I have to point this out because it's so funny. I know it's not related to anything, but they look up and they see the chorus of angels, right? That classic sort of medieval painting image of the hundreds of angels swirling into the yellow light. And the girl explains it by going, yeah, no, we paid extra for the angel vision on this thing. It was fucking... She goes, oh yeah, no, our cameras are set to

fourth dimensional so they can see spirit stuff. And like, oh, really? That's that's great for the movie. In any way. So then I guess I guess the Toro talks are into like hanging out at the tomb waiting for the resurrection. Yeah. Which is weird because the time machine we just established only lets you hang out for a few hours before it just leaves without you. Maybe they turned it off.

Maybe there's an argument off screen where he was like, why the fuck would you have that? You nearly got us killed in like India, thousands of years. Turn that off right now. That, no, that makes a lot of fucking sense. Also, while you're doing that, could you turn off the noises that every time you press a key on the fucking keypad, it makes a little blink noise? Oh my God, it's so funny. You don't need that on.

It's the musical keyboard, but they didn't line them up so that it'll always make music. So it's like, blinky blonk, blink-blink-blink-blank. So yeah so they're waiting around at Jesus's tomb the ladies come to wash his body and we know that because one of them turns to the other one goes let us wash the body of our Savior. Too excited, way too hyped. You want to wash his feet? I mean like let's see what the body's like and then we'll just chill.

But yeah, so they check the tomb and it's empty and just then Elisa sneezes, right? And they all hear her, so they all run around and they're like, did you steal our savior's body? And I really wanted this to be a yes. I'm one of these kids who have like stolen the body and we just got like a smash cut back to the time machine. Right, lifts it up. Jesus' rotten corpse propped up against the window.

But no, we were using them as a dartboard. But no, they see a glowy pillar ascending to heaven so that Satoru and Alisa are off the hook. Like we see a bunch of angels. Now they can see them without looking through the camera. So it's like, well, why did you establish that it was the camera that allowed them to see it? Spirit boss, shut up. But why did you establish that it was the camera that allowed him to see it? So it's the Spirit Boss. Shut up. So dumb. But yeah, so Sartaro looks to Alisa with a sort of a like, I told you it was worth driving

all the way to Vermont to see, right? Kind of a look. And also there's this moment where like we see Hermes in the clouds in case you weren't putting together that these are all incarnations of the same guy, right? It's wearing a name tag. El Contare. We get it. All right. Thank you.

All right. Well, tell you what we've shifted from BC to AD here. So I suppose that's as good a time for break as any, but first let me give act three, the hard sell, will this movie very conspicuously skip over Muhammad? Is that out of respect for Muslims or disrespect? Will they go with a religious leader equivalent of Larry instead? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the plotting conclusion of The Golden Laws.

Alright, and squeeze, and hold it, and hold it. Come on dude. I'm trying! Hey, guys, what are you doing? We're getting ready for our coffee enemas. Right, um, well, I guess I better be hitting the road then. The airport's that way, right? No, Marsh, it's not like that.

We're almost at our goal to do coffee enemas for Matrion, and we want to get our bodies in shape before that happens. Right, but guys, if you want to get in shape this summer, why don't you try FitBod? What's FitBod? Whether you're a seasoned gym goer or just starting a fitness journey, the essential your workout really needs is FitBod. It's a fitness app that customizes each workout based on your goals and adapts them as you improve. And they can help me with my rectal retention?

I think they'd like me to strongly emphasize that that is not what the app is for. Okay. Well, then why did you bring it up? Because this is an ad, Eli. FitBod creates a personalized workout routine based on your goals, fitness level, and available equipment. Plus, FitBod helps you learn new movements the right way with over 1,000 demonstration videos. Wow. But have you actually tried it? I have.

I started using FitBod when they became a sponsor and I love how I can adjust my workout based on how hard I want to go that day and whether I'm in a hotel room or a fully stocked gym. All right, Marsh. I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Add FitBod to your workout essentials. Join FitBod today to get your personalized workout plan. Get 25% off

your subscription or try the app free at fitbod.me slash gam. That's F-I-T-B-O-D dot M-E slash gam. Alright Marsh, thanks. Who came up with the coffee enema idea anyway? Oh, we did. Right, you see how that's worse, right? We do not. Mm-mm. Right.

I call together this meeting of the incarnations of El Cantare, and also Chi-Yi. Fuck yeah! Chi. Sorry. Sorry, I'm just excited to be here, everybody. Anyway. Hi. As you know, each incarnation of El Cantare through the thousands of years has strived to bring man

closer to the light that shines from the deepest soul. Yes, and I was- Everyone shut up! Buddha's talking! Sorry, go ahead Buddha. Buddha, go ahead. Right, right, thanks. So, uh, it was I who told man that searching inward. Oh my god. So true. Fuck Yes, someone is saying it clap hands clap hands clap hands. I wasn't finished He wasn't finished guys. Shut the fuck. Sorry. Why is this guy here? Uh, cuz I'm Buddha's best friend Nope. Nope, not that no. that. No, he's like a prophet, kind of. Well, actually, it's a pretty obvious misinterpretation. Right. You know what? Why don't we all just turn

into glowing balls of light and sustain the universe, huh? Yeah, that sounds great. Oh, I'm so sorry, guys. I don't want to change the plans. I just, I can't do that. Oh, I'm so sorry guys. I don't want to change the plans. I just I can't do that. Oh Right. Oh Well, why don't you hang out here and then we'll just we'll catch up afterwards catch up after we're cool. Cool. Cool. Cool Um, what are you doing Buddha? Are you doing the ball of yeah that what he just said I'll do that Oh, okay. Yeah. No, I'll wait here and then you go. Yeah, I'll just catch you on the flip flop. I'm gonna watch TikTok. Great, great.

Yep. Thanks, Chi. No problem, man. Like, any time. Seriously. Right. Oh, man. Crazy people sure do hate adoption, huh?

What? No, I'm just watching TikTok. TikTok. Got it. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action back on the time machine with Sotaru telling us all the stuff we just saw again. He's explaining how Jesus fits into the happy science cult theology. Was it me or did they hire a different voice actor for his voice during that one

sentence and then the next sentence is back to normal? Yeah, or he went through puberty for that one particular thing. Which is bad because that's the one thing she wanted to avoid. She wanted to see him pre-puberty and she's just missed out. Or maybe that's it. She wanted to hit the cusp. She was looking to hit the cusp. Right there.

Oh yeah. She wanted the, it's Thursday moment. I get it. So yes, but she gets the time machine fixed and working. She says, but it's almost out of time gas. We only have five more time warps left. Cool. We should go right home then, right?

We should go right home. Immediately. Because of our tendency to not get where we're trying to go. Right? But they're like, well, that's, we have plenty to still do some touristing, right? Yeah. No, he's got a point. The best thing they should do now is try to go to the one place they tried to go at the start of this, but fucked up every single time.

Yes. Now is the time you'll nail it. I'm confident of that. Right. So they go back into the time tunnels or whatever, and then the golden orb comes and rams them out yet again. This time they've crashed into a forest. And this is where we're going to get the Jerry Christ of religious figures here, right? Hell yeah! Chi-I everybody, Chi-I!

Yeah, this is what I wrote. Chi-I, I hate it when these movies run out of heroes that you've heard of, and now they're going to try and make a big deal out of a minor character. But I'm really super excited for Chi-Yi, just like I can't wait to say Kit Harrington as Black Knight. I'm looking forward to it. Yeah, exactly. Here's Chi-Yi and his friend the Blue Beetle.

All right, relax. Right. No, I'm like, okay, so this is Tian Tai Chi-Yi, and I'm like, that's got to be the guy who invented Tai Chi. No, it isn't. I checked. No, it's not. and he's such a minor character Okay, so let me explain this because I went down a rabbit hole of like why does happy science cult care about Chi

So for those of you don't know Chi is like, you know how like Someone is like well, here's the thing about the football inside sponsorship and that the Buffalo Bills back This is that of Buddhism, right? The person who knows way too much about like the kicker stats So when Buddha first was like, hey everybody you can sit real still and then you can change enlightenment Of course because India still had the caste system They were like right, but you mean like the good people not the fucking shadow people over there and Buddha was like too late to clarify I'm dead. So Chi Yi is a Chinese monk who's like no, everybody can achieve enlightenment, right? Which why would you visit that person?

Why does it matter to Happy Science Cult? Well, as part of the metaphor of his writings, Chi-Yi said a thing that sounds an awful lot like the Buddha will be reincarnated. And of course, if you're a guy pretending to be the Buddha and Jesus and Moses and Joseph Smith reincarnated, you're gonna make Chi-I's prediction a lot bigger part of your cosmetology than it probably should be. Cosmology, not cosmetology.

Maybe he takes his haircut too, you never know. So that's why we're visiting the fucking Chad Christ of Buddhism right now. All right, and also there's even like, cause he's like sitting on a hilltop and he's talking to this spirit lady and Satoru tells us that she also is actually a pretty big deal. We've never heard of her cause we're peons, but we, you know, we don't know what the fuck we're talking about. But that was that not to Oya?

And I know that one cause that this is where we're finding out like he, all the other things he's been and apparently he's also been like Aphrodite. And it's awkward because he's explaining to Alisa that, oh yeah, I'm Chi-Yi. And she's like, mm-hmm. And I used to be Aphrodite. And she's like, oh, I know Aphrodite. And that's awkward, you know?

It's a real sort of like, don't play the new material vibe, the concept. Like when you play an old song, the crowd goes wild. Like, here's a new one where I'm Chi-Yi. It's like, oh, okay. And that's funny. Could you just do lady? All, fine. Chi-y! Stix fans in our audience loved that joke. Well, glad to know it. Glad to know somebody loved that joke.

My fellow Stixers out there. Stixer Sixer. What do we call ourselves? The overlap with the QTC gag joke. That's all, man. There's a computer nerd slash Sticks fan who just jerked off onto this episode. That's how much they loved it. There you go. And so we were hitting our fans one at a time. I'm sorry, listener, this just isn't your episode yet. Should have given us more money for Matri on that we could shoot higher.

Giving out personalized jokes in the hopes of hitting those goals. So yeah, but the movie itself seems to recognize that like, oh shit, you know what we've got here is we've got fucking Hawkeye talking to Black Widow. Nobody gives a shit. Let's bring the Hulk in. And Buddha shows up and he's like, I also have revelations. And they're like, oh, thank God we can't carry this scene by ourselves. He's so big.

He's so unnecessarily big. Like this is a very big Buddha. And this is where we get my best worst. He's like, I have come to tell you the most secret of all the secret shit, the greatest wisdom there is. And he's like, really? This is where most movies would have to cut away. And he's like, not this dumbass movie.

No. Do good stuff. And don't not do that and stuff. He gives us this compass analogy, except it's just like when the compass is pointing at bad stuff, you're doing bad stuff. So pointed at good stuff. But when it's pointed at good stuff, it's good. Yeah. He says the compass needle never stops moving, at which point we see a very static needle. You can't even divide yourself at this point.

It points to lust at one point, and lust is like, is described, or is depicted as a bunch of tentacles. It's like, oh, okay, calm down, Japan. Calm down, Japan. I got it, Japan. I understood that metaphor. Loud and clear it Japan. I understood that metaphor loud and clear Japan. I've seen live laugh love signs with more profundity than these goddamn teachings. But yes, this is the point of the movie guys.

This analogy is like now that I've got the kids attentions with all that cool dragon sword fight shit. I can tell them to live laugh and love. Right. Right. Right. But then Chi-Yi kind of has to throw off the vibes by being like, I would get AIDS and have my eyes torn out by hawks to hear this. And they're like, hey, no one...

Why did you volunteer that? Yeah. He's happy for his eyes to be torn apart by a million hawks. Logistically, that's going to be a challenge just logistically. Half a million per eye, is that? That's a lot of hawks. Each of those hawks is not getting much out of that eye. That's like a bigger miracle than the fish and the bread thing to make one eye feed 500,000

hawks. And everyone just sort of inches away from him back to the time machine. They're like, yeah, okay. Well, um, okay Thanks Chi I guess I mean we all got the Buddha's message, but you um, you were the most into it Well, he's like, you know the Buddha's like I'm gonna be reborn later on He's like, are you gonna be the leader of the happy science cult and he goes like just don't say it just like that But yes

Yeah And he goes like, just don't say it just like that. But yes. Yeah. And G.E. cries at the very thought of being able to live at the same time as the leader of this cult. Right. And again, Buddha awkwardly has to be like, yeah, I mean, maybe. Yes. No. No. It depends on how many hawks you can get into your eyes, you know.

I would, oh my god, I would love to hang out, buddy, but I just, oh god, it's been such a crazy year and the toddler, you know, it's just so, I'll see if we can have the time. And time zone differences makes the conversation difficult. That's the main reason. Yeah, that's right. Oh, no, no, no, I mean, he really likes you guys. He really does want to talk to you guys more. He really does want to come to the pajama party every year.

Honestly, it's Aphrodite's vacation time. Really honestly, if you think about it. The last time she was there, Aphrodite caught this weird play. She got her eyes torn out by Aphrodite with hawks. So okay, so they go back to the time machine. Now they've only got four time travels left. She counts it out in case we weren't getting it. She's like, so that's my time, your time, and 2003,

which is where we've been trying to go the whole time, with one extra warp. And Satoru is like, hey, I have a great idea for what we can do with this extra warp. And I'm like, guys, you can get home with a bullet left in your gun here. That's okay. I feel like maybe you just, maybe,

take, go all the way into the future, fill the machine all the way up, do infinite time machine jumps. There you go, order that. Yeah, just keep the spare back like Justin gets. You haven't made one successful intentional jump yet. Just keep one in the back. Not a single fucking one.

These kids are that friend who doesn't want to stop for gas Too often on a road trip and you have to be like hey man We're adults and we're gonna stop for gas as often as we want whatever you're doing like call your dad and tell him to fuck himself The bathroom and she says to him like you know if we mess this up we won't be able to get home and his responses not like Yeah, but you know won't be able to get home. And his response is not like, mmm, yeah, but you know. Yeah, sucks to suck.

Good argument. I feel like we already kind of blew one of our visits with that Chi-E guy. Yeah, right, right. It was weird that he made a sign all of his jacket, right? Like it's weird that y'all have to sign it. Also, the reason he wants to use this extra thing, he wants to go to Greece because Hermes said to him,

well, earlier when we met him, you need to find your treasure. But like when we saw that scene, it very much felt like that was just Hermes trying to get rid of them. That's the equivalent of Hermes ruffling their hair and saying, now go on skedaddle scamp. And now he's taken skedaddle scamp as the quest prompt and he's going off to try and find a way to skedaddle. Right, yeah.

He's like, but how much daddle must I ski? We must go back. Right. Yeah, no. He's like, let's go back to Greece And she's like that's crazy. The story has already fucking done that you can't and he's like this is a happy science cult movie We can do any dumb shit we want so they go back to ancient Greece They stop along the way and get sucked into a whirlpool and Hermes has to save them and it

Here you go. Sorry, no Whirlpool and Hermes has to save them and it affects the plot in no goddamn way whatsoever. Also really minor thing, but this is the first time I think in the entire movie that the emergency warning light comes on inside the ship, which feels like that light must be malfunctioning because they've had some emergencies at every other scene. Right. Yeah, there's been a couple of moments. So yeah, so they get out of the Whirlpool. They're flying up. He goes, that's Greece. And I'm like, you can just tell from the assortment of islands.

This kid is good. I can smell it from here. Trust me. There is a lot of cheese. So they're on their way in and they see these three mysterious colored flames. So they're like, well, this must be where the next plot point is. Right. So they're like, well, this must be where the next plot point is, right? So they fly up, there's a red, a blue, and a green light and a festive atmosphere. Everybody's come out to see Prometheus. He's got fire themed hair, which was nice. I thought his hair was on fire. I thought that's not what the Promethean myth is. He

didn't steal the fire from the gods and then wear it as a fetching hat. That's not what he did. And I like that he's doing spirituality themed smack talk. Like, I am the most enlightened one and no one will be more enlightened. Ha ha ha. Right. He's roasting Hermes and then he tries to actually roast Hermes. Right, right.

Yeah. Because he's like, because Herm is there, and he's like, hey, you know, I have fire powers. Look, I'm going to show off my fire magic. And he's like, do you have magic powers too? And Hermes is like, well, no, actually what I have is a I've learned something here today speech. Did I like to give?

And fire. So yeah,'d like to give and fire. So, yeah, he starts to give it his little speech. The crowds like, well, you know, he has learned something here today. But then Prometheus is like, no, I'm using my fire. I'm going to surround you by flames with my fire powers. And I'm like, you know, it's really now that we think about it, you probably shouldn't fight Prometheus with three giant fires around you to begin with. Right. Yeah, that's on Hermes.

So he puts on his winged sandals that allow his soul to leave his body. Again, regular listeners will remember this from three movies ago. Yeah, I was like, I didn't see that one. I thought it was weird because his winged sandals start off as like a cute little toe ring. I was like, oh, okay, he's just putting on like a cute little toe ring, but then it turns into a sandal. I thought, yeah, when he was just, I can't do this fight without my little toesies being adorned.

I thought that's a very odd move. Yeah. But he flies up to heaven where he meets his best friend, a tiny horse and a baby, which of course we all remember from three movies ago. I wrote in my notes, I mean, I remember this from a few movies ago, but it didn't make sense a few movies ago. So I don't know why I bothered remembering. Right. Right.

So and then, of course, the kids show up in their time machine and they're like, oh, we better help Hermes. But then as they fly up, despite being invisible, Prometheus blasts their ship away with his wind powers. Right. That's important. Keep that in mind. OK. But for the hundred and third time now, they've crashed their spaceship. So they have to like

run up to the cliff where this is all going on, spaceship-less, or time machine-less. Right. And so, the kids are like, hey, don't you dare burn Hermes to death. And the entire crowd stops and is like, oh, well, let's hear him out. Let's see what the kids have to say. What is your counter proposal? And they're like And who are you? And it gets like, fuck, we did not

consider that question. We are King Hermes disciples and everybody stops and they're like, does that change things for us in any way? You're just rooting for the guy who's losing. I'm clear why you said that.

You want to meet on a stick? We got meat on a stick. So OK, so meanwhile, Hermes is following Okay. Unclear why you said that. Do you want meat on a stick? We got meat on a stick. So, okay. So meanwhile, Hermes is following Pan and Agape, the little baby and the horse dude, through purple clouds. Yes. I titled this scene, the purple clouded magic castle of the Dragon Sea King, I guess. Yes.

Yeah. And my first note was, so much of this movie feels like the final twitching images of a brain starved of oxygen And of course at Marsh got to this movie before me. So I wrote in my notes guys I think skepticism may have broken Marsh his opening notes for this scene are the purple clouded magic castle of the Dragon Sea King I guess and I really need him to be more surprised Right, but so here's the thing. That is what is happening right now. Hermes has flown into the spirit realm so that he can cash in the favor that the Sea Dragon King owes him after that last dragon fucked up his boat.

Yes. And now let me be very clear. What actually happens in this meeting is Noah apologizing secretly behind my back for one of my jokes. He's like, oh, sorry, that's Craig. He's going through a bad divorce right now. But we, the Sea Dragons, are actually on your side. That was a miscommunication. Dear old Tadz isn't a puzzle in a thunderstorm trial.

Yeah, the dragon tells them that it serves omniscient and omnipotent gods like him, which is weird because if that was true, you wouldn't need to tell him, he would already know it. And also if it was true, he wouldn't need a dragon, he could do whatever a dragon could do because he's omnipotent. You'd think, right, yeah. If you're omnipotent, why do you want anybody to serve you anyway? You know, is it a case of like, well, you know, I could do that, but I prefer not to

because that'd be a whole thing. So I prefer, you can do the thing for me. Yeah, right. It's paperwork. Maybe you could do that, but I prefer not to because that'd be a whole thing. So I prefer you can do the thing for me. Yeah, right. It's paperwork. Maybe you could do the paperwork. But yeah, so he's like, yeah, yeah, no, I'll get right on that. So we cut back to Prometheus and the fight and everything. They've seized Satoru, right?

He's getting captured. So Elise is like, you know what? I actually have a secret weapon that I have not used at any point in this movie, even though it would have been super duper useful at others. And she calls it a secret weapon. So well, I suppose I'm going to use my secret weapon now because I think about 80% of the way through the plot and now is the time for it. Right.

Yeah. All right. Now, before we say what this is, podcast listener, take a second, take a second, take a million years. Take one million years with a random word generator. Guess what? You did not get lion purse. And that is what her secret weapon is. It was a lion hologram purse. She opens her purse and a lion jumps out. Well, initially it wasn't clear that it was a hologram. I thought she kept a tiny lion in a box.

I also thought she just had tiny lion in a box. I also thought she just had a lion. Yeah. Which, hey, can I say I would absolutely keep out, like, I don't want to be one of those guys who's like, if you don't have the lion purse, then only the bad guys have the lion purse. I would absolutely keep the lion purse. Someone cuts in front of me at line at Starbucks and it just like, oh, out of the purse. And they're like, oh, no, sorry, thank you. So, yeah, so her lion jumps out of her purse and it starts to chase everybody off.

But then the hologram still starts to go on the Fritz. And as holograms often do when they start to go on the Fritz, it turns into a less menacing version of itself first. Yeah. A tiny little kitty cat who does a little meow and then disappears. Yeah. And then it just disappears. And then everybody looks at her and they're like, oh that was just a hologram Fucking lion hologram guys. What do we get so worked up about? Yeah, I said she can just call forth lion ghosts from her fucking bag sees her

So but they start to grab her and but just then the lamest possible dragons show up. It's like we missed a scene where the dragons were like, hey, I'm so sorry, only the PS1 dragons are available right now. Do you want to wait for the full Eve? No, you're okay with the vector graphics. So the dragons show up and it starts to rain and it puts out all the fires with a big deluge and Hermes as a spirit rides in on a golden dragon and starts lightning shit. Oh yeah, and he's lighting them like Saul's sassily.

He's pointing like pew, pew, zap, pow. Right. I felt unnecessary to take shit out of the fruit cart. It wasn't doing anything. Hermes, damn. Yeah. It felt unnecessary to take shit out on the fruit cart. It wasn't doing anything. Hermes, damn. But the rain stops and there's just one little ray of sunshine that's showing through the clouds

and it's right on Hermes who's praying and doing spirit shit. Who's doing a Tim Tebow. Yes, yeah, exactly. Like all great men of God. Right. And the thing is, the townsfolk are just absolutely amazed that the rain has stopped.

And to be fair, that's how the people in Manchester react on the rare times that the rain stops there. Yes! And all the people turn on Prometheus, they're like, Hey, he was doing tricks all along. Yeah, I was on the tricks team. Let's beat him to death. And Hermes is like, Yeah, sucks to sucks.

Thanks for helping me out, kids. He totally fucking does. He's like, all right, well, yeah, they're off to beat him to death. So kids, how you doing? I remember you from earlier in the movie. Do you remember that metaphor with the needle? Huh? You've been thinking about that at all? Yeah. And Prometheus just complains that all that stuff Hermes just did wasn't in his, it wasn't in Hermes power set, actually. Like he's someone complaining about a Marvel film on Reddit.

Right. But no, I think you'll find that Hermes is overpowered. That's not how that works. So yeah, so the crowd chases Prometheus off. Hermes and the kids chat. Hermes spouts more happy science bullshit pseudo profundity. More of my best worst. And then the townspeople show back up and they're like, Hermes, We were chanting for him to murder you just like Yeah, two and a half minutes ago. We just want to let you know we didn't Mean it. We're on your side now. We killed that guy. We killed him Shrine will make a shrine No charge I do love shrines you guys know me so well

and then and then there's a song because of fucking course there's a It's like, no charge. I do love shrines. You guys know me so well. And then and then there's a song because of fucking course, there's a goddamn song. It's mercifully short, but there's a song. Yeah, it's it's the me telling Anna the midnight before we sure would like a song. Yeah, right. Hermes. But yeah, so then and then Hermes goes to leave and Sotaro sees a kid chasing after him that I guess is like himself in an earlier incarnation. I don't fucking know what the hell the kid was supposed to be. But now Sotaro finally feels like he can define awesome for Alisa.

I'm so glad we wrapped that up. That felt like I was hanging over one of us. Oh, God. Yeah. I'm so lucky. Finally, we got it. The tension. Yeah.

He says, I think awesome means living life with love and courage. And I just wrote in my notes, nope. No, that's not what it means at all. You're not even close. So then we get back in the time machine and Alisa asks bad news. She's like look we fucked around too many times There's only enough energy for one last time warp So we go to the future where you're from so that they can fix the machine they invented and then take me back Mm-hmm, or just fill it back up with more time gas

Right. I mean initially he wants to go to Japan in 2003. Right. He's like, well, I guess, Japan in 2003 it is. And she's like, no, you fucking idiot. No. But she's not, she's not much better. She's like, no, I have to get you to your time because then I won't have a, but she doesn't tell him yet that the great, great, great, great grandfather thing, but she, but she like implies, no, I have to get you back or it'll be really bad for me. Yeah. Just like, no, just, just go to the day before you took the time machine from your dad and pick up that time machine, which is fully fuel.

Right. Yeah, exactly. That's there's so many ways around this. Like go at least to the era where time machines were invented by your dad. Your dad can just solve this. But no, she takes him to his house. Pretty fucking easy. Yeah, they wave to 2003 as they drive past.

Just wanted the voice of a guy pretending to be Princess Di to come into the speakers. Okay, we got a little taste. Yeah, right, right. Well, and then he has a realization, and I don't know, maybe I'm trying to make meaning out of this or I'm trying to get meaning where I just can't possibly get meaning.

But I think that- This is Noah's Koyanskatsi. Right. This is where he realizes that like the whole time he wanted to go meet the leader of the Happy Science Cult, but he realizes that he has been meeting the leader of the Science Cult all the fuck along. Oh. These are all the various incarnations of El Cantare.

And it was El Cantare that he really wanted to meet. I thought he was saying that he of El Cantare and it was El Cantare that he really wanted to meet. I thought he was saying that he was El Cantare. I thought he was realizing that he was the guy he wanted to meet, so it was fine. Oh, maybe that was it too. I don't know. Maybe I've been on a journey to meet myself all along. I took from it that he, that this kid was Hermes.

He realized that he was Hermes the Buddha, Jesus Christ fucking Chi-I, and Ryu Okawa from the 21st century Japan. I'm so sorry, Marge, I hate to correct you on air, but the movie is very clear. Chi-I is not a rebirth of El Contare, he's just a big fan. He just loves it, that's true. That is very true. Yeah, fair. So, well, maybe perhaps we couldn't see what was going on here because we were blinded by the incessant goldness of this scene. Oh my god, it's so gold. It's like when people make an AI do a picture and say like, oh,

make a picture as golden as it could be and then be like, no, be more golden. Be more golden than that. Even more golden. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So, okay. So we wind up back in the 25th century with the cops are still investigating the backyard because it's just the instant that they left. I've got to say as well, I really wanted us to learn that it turns out she was actually the reincarnation of him. And I wrote in my notes, oh my God, Marty McFly is his own mother.

That's where we're going. It is where we're going. I wish it was, but we're not. No, no. This movie has no courage. So she takes him back home, the ship's on empty, and he's like, hey, maybe we have time gas around here. And she's like, no, no, the fuel it runs on, you can only get it from the Pleiades.

And he's like, and that's not a thing we can do now. And she's like, no, I know it's the future. I guess I didn't specify. Right. Because we don't know that because like like they only have it in the 30th century, but we're supposed to know they don't have it in the 25th century. Right. Also in our future. Yeah.

Yeah. So Taro's like, well, he gets all shy. He's like, well, maybe you could stay and be my great, great, great grand girlfriend or whatever. Right. So, oh, you can't go home. I guess you just sort of stay here and suck my dick instead. And then he blushes.

Yeah. That's basically That's who said that but just then mom and dad show up in the spare time machine Yeah, he's cock blocked by an even bigger time machine, right? Yeah, and I love this because this movie ends I don't know if you ever had this happen because I had good parents But I apparently I'm the only person on earth when you really fucked up and your parents would like make sure you were safe Yes, but they were so fucking mad that they were like, okay, so she's going to get back on the time machine. Now, how long did it take? It took us a year to rebuild the time machine, darling. So why don't you just get in the time machine? But also, why didn't they then take the time machine once they got her and bring her back to the day

that she left? Yeah. So that they would then know that they are successful in rebuilding the time machine and that she turns out to be fine? Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's like this is what's happened. And I just wrote my notes. You see what you did Satoru? You made a load of paradoxes. I hope you're happy with yourself.

Just staring angrily in the rear view mirror. She's like, dad, you should really watch the road. I'll watch whatever I want to watch. And then, but then you're like, I'm going to watch whatever I want to watch. And then you're like, I'm going to watch whatever I want to watch. And then you're like, I'm going to watch whatever I want to watch. And then you're like, I'm going to watch whatever I want to watch. And then you're like, I'm going to watch whatever I want to watch. And then you're like, I'm going to watch whatever I want to watch. And then you're like, I'm going to watch whatever I want to watch. And then you're like, I'm going to watch whatever I want to watch. Just staring angrily in the rear view mirror. She's like, dad, you should really watch the road.

I'll watch whatever I want to watch. But this is also where she reveals to him that he's her ancestor. And he's like, now it feels weird that I wanted to fuck you this whole time. You could have just told me that up front and it would have been... Feels weird to you, maybe. Also a lot of pressure on him to have kids now. Like so much pressure on him to have kids. Yeah. Do I have to come on your tits? I know you said it and that's really cool, but I just like,

like one of my best friends growing up is really counting on me. Right. And her dad at this point is like, well, actually this is Sotaro. He turns out to be a world famous priest. And I'm like, priests only get world famous when they rape kids, man. That is not a good thing, right? No, but like she's and she realizes she's changed his future. So now he's become super famous. And also his bully from high school has to wash his car every day. So it really has worked out for him.

Yeah, right. It turns out that she only came back in time because she had a report due. And she found out that 500 years ago, She had an ancestor who knew this kind of shit So again to be clear this epic change through history this entire adventure where the Buddha and Jesus and Moses and Chi-I were all changed forever was because she was like I Don't do my homework. Right, yes, yes, they were bill and Tedding their way through all of religion. Yeah, and then-

Awesome adventure, not even bogus adventure. Right, yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, no, because he goes, she goes to leave and he goes, Alisa, and everyone's like, oh, do you have profound words to say as this movie ends? He goes, love and courage, you know, like, I just, you have profound words to say as this movie ends? He goes, love and courage. You know, like, you're making sure I don't change my best worst at the last minute. Thank you.

My grandma pops up from behind the bed, the spaceship. Bad last words, man. Okay. All right. And there's two little things here. First of all, the dad gets rid of the second time machine, the one they've been traveling in by like just setting it so it just goes off and flies into a sun or something. So he's doing the equivalent of leaving it in neutral and just rolling it off a cliff for a time machine.

Yeah, right. We'll just let this take care of itself. 25th century Bill Clinton is just dragging Jeffrey Epstein's body up into it. Do you mind if I use this? Yeah, right. Actually, if you want. And then the other thing is, so the lesson here is, it does make logical sense to become religious, but only if a relative of yours from the future takes you on a time traveling adventure that gives you concrete

proof that some of the religious stories are true and others are true if you cause them. Right. Then at that point, become religious. It's a good idea. That's the moral. Yep. No, that's actually a pretty good moral. So yeah.

And then we zoom out again, like we're going to do our multiversal zoom out. I think this turns out to happen in northern Brazil. I guess that's where New Atlantis is. But yeah, but we zoom out of the multiverse and we're done, right, which is nice. So I mean, there's like nine more of these. Well, yeah, no, we're never, we're never quite done. Thank you, Eli, for the reminder.

There was happiness and now there is this instead. All right. Well, I guess that's gonna do it for our review of the Golden Laws. But that's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need to do this to ourselves again next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, Noah, as we tour through our favorite families of crazy, you know it's time to check back in on the Wright family. Oh, nice. Oh, yeah. So we're going to be checking out what I believe is the sequel to the Bible,

the badge and Bigfoot. Bigfoot colon grip of the monster. Oh shit. A Wright family sequel. What have I done to deserve such plenty? All right. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 458 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Marsh for all his help this week. Don't forget to check the show notes for links to skeptics with a K and be reasonable. And hey, if you want to meet Marsh tickets for QED are now available at QEDcon.org and check your passports. Everyone definitely go. Yeah. Make sure you get the right one. You have to live with Marsh. And of course, and also huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. Never a better time to sign up. It's Matron. You can make us shove coffee up our asses. If you'd like

to help make us shove coffee up our asses, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash Goddalf, and thereby earn early access to an ad free version of our episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. If you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Atheist, I, Tation, The D&D Minus, and The Scepticrat, available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email godoffinmoviesatgmail.com. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slott, the evil driver on Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audience, and your working clerk was used as permission. Thanks again for giving us a check of your life this week for Heathen, Wright, and Neelam, Bosnic, I'm an illusionist, promise to work harder, earn another chunk next week, and until then, we'll leave you with the Breakfast Club clothes. Alisa and her family never made it back to the future, because her dad's piece of shit time machine decided that they really needed to see the Chicxulub impact first hand. The Slytherin toves went on to gyre and gimble in the way, but I have no idea what the fuck

we just watched. Nobody ever told Buddha about his ears. It was awkward. What, what dad should have done is travel through time and then afterwards traveled back to then and let him take his wife out to Benningen. We can figure it out. Time travel, there's always a loophole. All right. Hello, fresh.

In case it wasn't clear, Morgan, that was not interstitial three. I was just led to believe that it was despite the fact the last thing was interstitial three, I had written it on the top just to fool me for some reason. Written for you to say as well. So you looked like a fool. Right. Right. Exactly. Yeah. Correct you. Yeah. Damn it. Falling into I'm building up a bank of Interstitial III declarations. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2024, all rights reserved.