God Awful Movies - 459: Bigfoot: Grip of the Monster

Episode Date: June 4, 2024

This week, Cecil joins the guys for an atheist review of Bigfoot: Grip of the Monster, the story of the Wright family trying to movie again and us watching on in horror. --- Check out more from Cecil on Cognitive Dissonance, Lawful Assembly, and Season Liberally --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts

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Looks like you're feeding a pill to a dog Hawk sound is amazing Awful Get the camera, Ashley! Get the plunger with the flam. There's like half a loud hawk sound, it's amazing. Godawful Movies. Movies. Movies. ["Godawful Movies Theme"] Welcome back to Godawful Movies, where each week we watch another terrible movie so you don't have to.

I'm your host, Heath Enright, and I'm joined by the Eli Bosnik. Eli, how's it going? I'm fantastic, Heath. Right family, baby. Right family. We got the right family again. Very happy about it.

We also have veteran masochist and fellow fan of the sitcom, Cheers Cecil. Cheers. Cheers, Cecil. Cheers. Welcome back. Cheers. Cheers to you. Cheers to Cecil. Cheers. Welcome back. Cheers. Cheers to you. Hey. Cheers to you, Heath. Hi, Eli. Hello, Cecil. It's so tempting to just go for, I don't know, as long as before Eli goes insane, we just keep talking about Cheers together.

I'm not the one who goes insane. Also, this movie is 14 seconds long. The longer a sound file we have. They got a solid 68 out of this one, Eli. 68 minutes. Yeah. 68 minutes. The longest 68 minutes of his life. It's a tight 68. I keep meaning to look up, like, what the pay scale for Amazon is, because it must be

like 67 minutes and they give you $30 instead of 25. I Like that my area on prime video won't even play this movie They were like no and I'm around this shit or something. So I watched it on to be For free I weirdly watched it twice once on my TV on Amazon once on my computer Amazon And then I went back to go play it again, and they wouldn't let me They were like no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no and they wouldn't let me They were like no no no no no no no no we actually we actually don't let anybody play this more than twice I'm sorry to be fair. We were the first three views ever for this movie Someone in their safety center probably woke up, and they were like oh fuck guys the rights uploaded again take it down Take it down. Okay. Well not that it matters, but we haven't introduced which right family movie we're doing today.

That's true. Which right family movie are we gonna be breaking down today? So we watched Bigfoot, Grip of the Monster. It's the story of a family of shaved bigfeets trying to make it in the big city of Hemlock Falls, Maine. It is though, that is what it's about. It's got a sitcom vibe too, right? A little bit. Yeah. It is though. That is what it's about. It's got a sitcom vibe too, right? A little bit.

Yeah. It really does. But I don't think they did it on purpose. I think they stumbled backwards into a sitcom vibe. They stumble into a farce plot and they almost get there. They do almost get there. If you took out some of the Skyrim music and it replaced it with that sort of whimsical 80s sitcom music, it would 100% fit.

That's all it takes, honestly. A shift in music. Yeah, most of the movie. If they just did like a jumpy freeze frame once in a while, they stand back to back. Yeah, right? They're like, you! They have the footage of those actors falling down.

Like, I... Tagline. Bigfoot. Classic. The Bigfeet's. All right, Eli, how bad, how bad was this movie? Well, if you've ever enjoyed a silent, uncomfortable subway ride with a very obvious crazy person

who unleashes their entire mental illness as you stand up to leave, you will love this movie. Yeah, that's pretty much it. It's a slow burn, but it's a burn. It really is. It's a slow 68 minutes of burning, yeah. And is there anything you'd like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at?

Alright, I'm going to go with prop books. Yes! Genuinely, these people have never actually looked at what a real book looks like in the real world. So we'll talk about each one of these prop books as they come up, but the prop books in this are genuinely terrible and laughable. I think the thing they know is rectangle. And that's the word they have for books of that.

That's the commonality of various thickness rectangles. If I saw any of these prop books in a middle school musical, I would begin to boo. I would begin to boo until I was escorted out by the gym teacher. If you found one of these on the subway, you would report it and say it's an IED. You're like, no, this is definitely a bomb. You're like, this is the world's worst disguised bomb. Are you allowed to boo at middle school performances, by the way? I'm going to one later.

Can I boo? Yes. They have to let you. Yeah. It's like being a cop. It's free speech. Interesting. On campus, you're allowed to.

Okay. I listened to Trump gave a speech about free speech today. I get it. Okay. So I was going to go with best, best hiding. Oh my God. We're, I think I have to leave it until we get to it, but there's one moment There's one character that hides behind a tree. I

Could not stop laughing. There's no way it's not comedy. There's no way possible way that's supposed to be taken self-aware You can't you can't I took a screenshot. Well, we'll get into it when we get to that. So good It's so good and I'm gonna go a little left field here I'm gonna say best worst are we gonna be able to make a podcast? So podcast listener if you've been listening to our show for a while, you know that when no illusions is gone We get a loose little Lucy here on god awful movies I might even say we get downright Lucy goosey But as I was watching this movie, this movie is 68 minutes long,

I was 35 minutes in and the only thing that had happened was a man walks through the woods and I was just like in my head composing the apology message on Facebook to Noah being like, you know, you always say we need to improve our work life balance, so what if this week we just didn't make a podcast? Or it was like 10 minutes.

How about that? Oh, a little mini-sode. I hear those are... I gotta be honest though. The inability to walk very well was pretty funny. And that's going to occupy a little bit of time. I went back through the notes to be like, well, okay, I guess I gotta cut all the scenes where he's just walking. But every scene where he he's walking he like he falls himself on a branch

Fails to put a pen back in his pocket for six and pants fall down Yeah, that's amazing or at the very least he like has to put his hand down as he's going back up the hill like in Office space like yesterday. It's so good. He's so stumbly up the hill like in office space like he has to like it's so good he's so stumply all right I think it's time for a quick break for us and then we'll be back to tell you all about Bigfoot grip of the monster what about under the cups no check the napkin drawer ooh the napkin drawer good one hey guys what you doing oh hey Cecil Heath and I were just checking if we left any money around here. Why would you do that? Well after we switched to

Mint Mobile and realized how much money we left on the table, couldn't hurt to check right? Wait what's Mint Mobile? Mint Mobile is here to rescue you with premium wireless plans starting at $15 a month. All plans come with high speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. Okay, but I don't want to switch my phone. Oh, no worries, Cecil. You can use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all your existing contacts.

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See Mint Mobile for details. Nice, thanks. By the way, you've got a big wad of hundreds taped to your back? Taped to my back! I knew it was somewhere. Thanks Looks sweaty Probably is yeah

It's on my back. Oh No, Bigfoot don't grab me with your big ape like hands Mom dad I had a night. Oh Hello, honey Hey kiddo What's up? What are you doing? What are you guys doing? What are we doing? We are Making another movie Another movie is this one about Bigfoot that it does how we are dressed now, so Yes, yes, obviously Wow do me and my sisters get to be in it? Oh you sure do honey Oh, I'll go wake him up right now. Nope. No no you guys aren't in

This scene you you all shoot tomorrow, so don't wake them up. Oh, okay. I'll see you tomorrow. So we're making another Bigfoot movie, I guess, huh? Yup. And we're back. And we're going to start with Trees for a while. For half the movie, as I mentioned, pretty much most of the movie. We do get a two twin engines global to start out. And I think global's doing a like a lot of heavy lifting in that sense.

Yeah, sure. Oh, yeah. That's their production company. And then it says like right family films or something. And I was like, fuck. Yes. I didn't know it was a right family film at first. Oh, yeah, baby. All right. Bible badge. Big put. Oh, this is a sequel, yes, I didn't know it was a right family film at first. And I was like, all right, Bible Badge, Bigfoot. Oh, this is a sequel, isn't it? No, it's not really.

It has the word Bigfoot in it though, and it's them. So I was very happy. All right, now gentlemen, look, we've now watched this movie, some of us more than once. What is this opening scene? It's trees, I told you. Okay. It's like 45 minutes of trees, man.

It's artistic. David Owen Wright is like, he's a craft beer guy and he's like, I'm doing art by showing like trees at angles guy. It's a Koyana Scotzi situation. Yeah, exactly. I get that reference. Yeah, but we get some snuggle buddies. They're listening to a song about how Bigfoot loves beer while being stalked by Bigfoot. Now let me break the suspense for you podcast listener.

There will be zero moments in this entire film where someone is being stalked by Bigfoot and then Bigfoot appears. So as far as I know he's being stalked by the cameraman for this movie. Okay. Sneaking around. Yeah. Almond to himself. Yeah. Yeah. The song is, I think Bigfoot likes beer or something like that. That's close to the title. Bigfoot likes all types of beer we learn. all the different brands, all the different types. We see some of David Owen Wright's like favorite craft beers from Maine that he has. And he, I could like hear him never shutting up. I could just, I could like, I could feel myself being cornered at a party and he's like, it's actually the first craft brewery in all of New England.

And like it's the third in the country. They give out licenses. I'm not an IPA guy. You know, a lot of federal license, they're number three in the country. They give out licenses. I'm not an IPA guy. They're number three in the federal licenses. Back when Tom used to brew beer, he was that guy. Yeah. Hey, Cecil, if you don't think all alternate universes except this one,

Tom and David Owen Bright are the same person, you don't know Tom very well. Seriously, but every movie they make feels like I'm being cornered. So I guess this all tracks. But that's the song. And I was like, okay, these two guys are getting stalked by Bigfoot, who's going to like pop out and be like, that song's actually very, a big stereotype thing. Very offensive.

They're like every brand, first of all, that's crazy. I'm a white-claw guy, actually. I actually am a big IPA guy. I heard somebody say that earlier. Throwback Zima day. They became like, chic, and then everybody was like backlash now they're bad, but no they're great. They're hopping. They're great. They're good. It's a different taste. It's a different kind of thing. Actually like a triple hazy. Yeah, but we do after we listen to this song for a while a man in a gorilla suit pops out And I just have to say at the outset because this will be the suit throughout the movie

This man in a gorilla suit Bigfoot is an insult to men in It really is something this is not the most expensive Bigfoot costume that Halloween adventure had to offer it really is something But one thing I will say is that there's multiple Bigfoot suits in this movie. It's not just one suit, although they do overuse one particular suit. But there is actually several scenes in this movie, there's multiple Bigfoot suits. So I mean, like they actually sprung for three Spirit Halloween Bigfoot suits. Spoiler, man!

Hahaha! Wow. There's multiple Bigfeet. Yeah. Now it's spoiled. Oh, I'm sorry. I apologize. Now you've ruined the film.

Yeah, no. I mean, the whole audience right now just rage quitting this podcast. They probably turned off the podcast. So fucking mad at me because I talked about the big feet. I already said big feet. Vader's his dad. Harvey Weinstein's a rapist. Trust me, that ruined a lot of...

I was going to go Rosebud is the sled, but okay. All right. Mine ruined way more movies, can I say? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Harvey Weinstein's a rapist. Trust me, that ruined a lot of- I was gonna go Rosebud is the sled, but okay. All right. Mine ruined way more movies, can I say? I just ruined way more movies than you could have, Cecil.

Just throwing that out there. It's like all of Miramax, right? It's a lot of them. So then we cut over to some news footage that the two campers we just saw saw Bigfoot, and this is where we check in on the sheriff Okay David Owen, right? I think that's his name in real life, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah, he's playing the voice of the sheriff here

He plays many parts plays many parts He was also I think both campers and we never see their faces because yeah You can't have his face shown most the time. He plays the sheriff and he is obliterated in real life, drunk, trying to be the sheriff, right? The only way I can describe it is you ever scroll through TikTok and you see an old clip of cops where a guy is just like, I'm not going to take a breath-aliling test. That guy would turn to David Owen White and be like give me your keys man. I could break these cuffs Yes, exactly

Cuffs and by the way if you get break these cuffs as a reference we are best friends Yeah If you're sitting at home and wondering yourself, I wonder if me and Eli would get along if you get break these cuffs We are already best friends We just haven't met yet And if you don't get it if you don't get it, if you don't get it, you probably shouldn't look it up, because as I think about the clip,

it probably doesn't hold up super well. The more problematic it is, you do not. Like Miramax movies, it's best left in the past. Yeah. Yeah. Anyways, then we see him looking at a bunch of fake newspaper articles, and this was almost my best worst.

Yeah. Oh, these were amazing. Right, because every fake newspaper article is on an almost my best worst. Yeah. These were amazing. Right? Because every fake newspaper article is on an 8x11 sheet of paper. There's not even an attempted newspaper shape here. Okay. So we're just supposed to be like getting an exposit dump here and they decided to pan across a crazy person who he's like studying big feet and he's a conspiracy theorist and so he's like all right I'm gonna print out eight and a half by eleven pieces of newspapers and spread them out on my coffee table with the

headline part showing convenient I wrote down just a handful of the headlines. Do you have a little sampling for us? I'd love to hear them. I'd love to hear them. So one of them says, Trinity River Town turns from lumber to Bigfoot. So the economy has transformed into a Bigfoot based economy. It was a big factory town, lumber factory town. And then they're like, I think we should get into the Bigfoot sector and that's their economy now. It's confusing Trinity Rivers doing that. To be fair, I've been into the Pacific Northwest and you could make worse economic choices.

Tourism sector of that town, which actually they will try to do in this movie. Okay. Another one said Bigfoot seen striding forth at Nevada test site. So, like, area 50... Like an SAT or... Oh, you're talking like a nuclear test site or something. It's not clear. Maybe it's just an exam. We don't know. I want to see a mushroom cloud.

If you can narrow it down to three, you should just guess anyway, because it's better. I wrote Bigfoot at the top. That's like 400 points. Who's in the third parking spot? Most colleges aren't even taking these anymore. No, you know what? They are back to taking them actually. They're back to taking them again. They're coming back. That was like during the COVID thing. Yep. Oh, all right. Good. Do you know how hard it is to get into the top colleges now? It's crazy. You have to get in early now. That's like two thirds of their admissions.

It's crazy. Nuts, nuts. You have to commit to it, whether you get a good financial aid package or not. It makes no sense. It's hard to get a good educational pudding. You got this. Well that was quite good.

I slowed down that joke like a car crash, you know right before a car crash. Cheers Eli. Thank you. Cheers. Look, part of the thing that I'm going to- Eli, you're getting an ironic cheers. I just want you to know. No, that was genuine.

He can't fake. He wasn't faking it. Uh huh. It was a real cheers. Okay. I'm going to name a couple of more headlines. Sure, yeah. Go ahead. Keep going. If you got some good word play, just hop. Okay. I'm gonna name a couple of more headlines. Sure, yeah, go ahead, keep going. You got some good word play, just hop right in.

I know, I've got a good jam. Noah's already behind me with a gun shooting me in the back of the head for this podcast. Anyways, so. One of the headlines just says, nine foot Harry man from UFO question mark. So there's a theory it might be alien Sasquatches. Okay.

Okay. All right. You got one more here. This is my favorite fake headline. Okay. It just says, and in the Everglades, the skunk ape. The skunk ape. Yeah.

You know, I think there's a possibility we covered something like that on a citation needed when we did cryptozoology. Maybe I vaguely remember skunk ape. Oh, that's one of their cryptids in like, Florida. Yeah, it's like a crit It's like a but it's not a I don't think it's a Bigfoot. I think it's a little different It's just a Florida man guys. Yeah, it's got much much more manageable feet. They're like a little smaller They can buy at a regular store. They don't have to go To one of those big and tall stores for their shoes. There was also a headline out of Columbus, Ohio about a volcano and a Bigfoot family. And I was like, I don't think they have volcanoes in Columbus, Ohio.

And then one other one. Closely, they don't have Bigfoot either. No. Well, fair enough. Last one. Oroville Man reports female giant in the yard. Oh, yes, I love that one. Oh, so I'm going I'm moving to Oroville men reports female giant in the yard. Oh yes, I love that one. Oh, so good. I'm going, I'm moving to Oroville right now.

So he sexed it. He like figured out the sex of the giant, possibly. Show me your tits. Task watch in the background. Yeah, because I was gonna say, pokes out from behind a tree. What are your pronouns? Yeah.

It's for the newspaper. So now we're going to flash cut to 20 years earlier. Now I'm going to sort of lay down a law here. The Wright family have discovered that white thing that you do for a flashback in this movie. It will not always mean flashback. Sometimes it will mean the scene is over. They have no idea.

The movie's lost like nine layers deep into their swooshing. They have no idea when what is, I don't think. I was hoping they were going to keep doing different fade ins and outs. So eventually there would be like a paper clip that like drags the scene back in. I was hoping for that. They just kept doing this white one over and over. It's what's faked to white. Or the star white right there. Yeah, star white. Exactly, right? Like just poke a big star. G.I. Joe pulls down the top of the screen.

Yeah, there's lots of... You can't do this many swooshes and doodly-doos. Knowing is half the battle. Yes, exactly. But in this flashback, he's walking around the woods some more, and then he wakes up. So, did he dream that it was 20 years ago, or was he dreaming 20 years ago? Yes. It's one of those the movie doesn't know but again, it's it's the same guy This is gonna be max right max leet max Luke max Lee max Lee Yeah, who will be the protagonist yeah like Robert E

But max right exactly max Lee will be the protagonist He's the one who had the spread out Bigfoot headlines We see that because now he's holding just one of those 8x11 pieces of paper that just says Bigfoot sighting on it. And I love this so much. I know it seems like a little moment, but now we're going to get some more like establishing shots of woods and stuff. And there's this fucking great moment because we see some like Bigfoot signs and some signs like some Bigfoot, you know, attraction. And a roasty cow. And then there's just a hairy cow.

Because you can tell he was like, oh, that's pretty hairy. Nope, that's not big foot. That's just a cat. I'm going to get the audience. I'm going to slide this picture of cow in there. It's a little hairy today. They won't notice. Okay, but the disdain behind the cow's eyes as this camera goes past it is the best.

The cow hates the movie so hard. The cow actually tries to get out of the shot. Like it starts backing up. sheriff's office, which is Very clearly Ashley Wright's kitchen. Yeah, so fucking good. God. This is my favorite part. Okay, but before he even gets in there It's a the establishing Shots multiple they it took four cuts to get this guy from a parking lot Into a door into a room literally four cuts He fucked up get out of car and they had to be like cut Okay, now you're walking between your car and the front door and he fucked up and they're like cut

Okay. Now you're like doing the door and he has so much trouble with doors in this movie. It's amazing. I think the actor who plays Max Lee woke up from a coma and Ashley Wright was in his room and was like, hey, do you want to be in a movie? And he was like, I haven't used my legs in 10 years. And she was like, that's not a problem here. Just make it from the car to the door and then you'll be in a scene with my husband. Okay.

Cecil, I've noticed throughout your notes, you're like, this is, this is self-wear. This is satire. This was the first time I had a hint of that where like this guy couldn't walk or open like he hurt himself Trying to just swing a door open Shot the rights no shot. This is self-aware Yeah, I still don't think so, but I'm curious see so like you want to keep score along the way I will I'll keep scry. I feel like this is a point in the self-aware column There's many points throughout the movie and I think I will, I think when I finally rest my case at the end, you will all agree with me. I will win this Intelligent Square debate at the end.

I'm starting on their idiots and they think they killed it with every one of these movies. It's okay to watch a lot of their movies. It's okay to believe that, but I think after the last one, I feel like this movie is self-aware, we'll get there. Okay, you turned me on Neil Breen, for sure. Yeah, absolutely, Neil Breen, 100%. Because we did a similar scoreboard with one of his movies, and by the end I was like, he's a genius. But he's not!

Cecil's absolutely right. He's not self-aware! That guy's a fucking genius. So many people wrote in to be like, Neil Breen is not self-aware. And all those people were wrong. That's cool. They could be wrong. That's cool.

They're part of the conspiracy. But anyways, yeah, he comes in and he sits in one of the sheriffs. Okay, no, no, no, no, no, no. We gotta, we gotta establish the room here. Okay? Go ahead. So they come in and like Eli says, this is clearly a kitchen that they've cleared everything out

and they're shooting away from the kitchen cabinet. So you can't see the kitchen cabinet cabinet which is against one of the walls. What they have is just this big corridor room and there's a desk and you know his crocheted American flag is on the wall behind him. Sorry I couldn't hear your description of the room over the American flag. I heard you say that though because it's last. I hadn't both fingers crossed hoping for a racist number of stars, but I counted them and there's 50 I was like damn it. I wanted it to be like a racist number, but it wasn't knows and and so but that when they come in

They have in front of the in front of the desk where the sheriff sits are two giant fucking Rocking chairs that you would see at like Cracker Barrel. They're like cracker barrel rocking chairs. And then along the wall are two other bar stools. They're like, you know, what you would bring up to like a kitchen counter. And then along the other wall, there's a bench. And I'm thinking, what happens in this room? Is it like a jug band practice space? What is going on?

But there's so many chairs in this one little room. But you cannot get anything better than rocking chair interrogation. Yup, in front of you. There's nothing better than that. Okay, it feels like they really own these rocking chairs in real life. And like, David Owen Wright just can't help but rock way too fucking hard. And like, several dozen rocking chairs just burst into flame at some point. Every time. And now they had to make these huge ones.

They're the equivalent of like, you know, you get like a normal cell phone case and then there's like Otter Box for like $800. It's like that for rocking chairs. Yeah. He got the Otter rocking chair. Yeah. I also really wanted a flash cut of some woman whose kid drowned giving her statement in one of the chairs. Just like, and then I came into his room. One second. Whee Just like, I came into his room. One second. Wee. And then I came into his room. You can't take anybody seriously in a rocking chair.

That's just. Yeah. Okay. This is a pretty, this is a solid point for satire. The rocking chairs. Right? It's not satire. The rocking chairs, I think are a solid point. I think you're right.

That's one point. Well, here's another amazing point for satire, but it's not satire. It is satire. It is, I know what you're gonna say and it is. They're talking. It is. And the sheriff answers the phone before it rings.

It's the best. You know why this is satire? Because if you edited any kind of sound effect into anything ever, it is the easiest thing in the world. Not for David Owen, right? It's not. It is so easy to move, to nudge a sound effect one place or another.

That's like outside of the universe. You can just put that anywhere. It's so fucking, didn't happen in real life. The phone didn't ring in real life. So there's no way that you watch this in the edit and be like, that's cool. No, that's fine. The phone's literally up to his ear and it's still ringing.

The best is also Max, the guy playing Max is right there and he has to like play along with this queue for the phone call that he knows is coming. So the sheriff guy is like, oh, Bigfoot sighting, huh? You're not from around here, are you? We don't really deal with those around here. That's silly. And he has to be like, no sir, I'm not. I, I, I, you can't hear the phone call.

There's a dash. I dash, I am dash. Brrrr, there it is. There it is. It's the thing that's up to your ear. So that phone call means that the sheriff has to leave the room, which means now Max is going to have a snoop around his office. Now this isn't important to the movie, except it's important to me spiritually because we

get to watch Max tremendously fail to make his way around a chair. It's so fu- okay, the only thing I just describe it to. Okay, if you're trying to sneak around and you have to step out of one of those giant rocking chairs, it's then like, the whole time. Because he's so fucking loud and heavy. The only way I can communicate to you is I want you to imagine that Heath is trying to squinch his way down like a theater aisle, past an aisle full of naked women who know his mom. And the theater is run by Ryan Air somehow. Yes. That is how he tries to get around this rocking chair

with no one in the room. Right? He's just like, he has to move past this chair and he does like the, excuse me, excuse me. Is it weird if it's butt to butt or is it better if it's butt to face or face to face or butt to butt? It's so funny. How if it's butt to butt or is it better if it's butt to face or face to face or butt to butt? It's so funny. How would it become butt to butt? I would have to turn then.

You turn. Get on. You're gonna turn butt out? Turn around in the chair. Okay. It's for the social contract. I'm naked. There's like four feet between him and the wall and he bumps the chair that he's walking by and it spins like three times. It spins and whams into him and then he has to fight it like a fucking, you know, what

are those clowns? Another point for self-aware. Yeah. The ones that pop back up that you get when you're hit. Yes, exactly. I had one of those when I was a kid. It was like my favorite toy. It's a three now.

It was Batman. I would get punched in the face by Batman. Oh, God. I would get hit by Batman so hard and so often that my parents took it away. My parents were like, no, you keep losing a fight to physics. So this for me was Huckleberry Hound. Do people remember Huckleberry Hound? Oooh, Huckleberry Hound. I do see some cheers. Cheers. Yeah. I feel like that's the wrong generation, but that was the poor person's version, right?

Your mom went to the Goodwill and she was like, ooh, a Huckleberry H! And you were like, who's that? And she was like, don't talk back! And you were like, huh? And then she beat me. Yeah, no. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So Sheriff comes back in and he's like, all right, I'm done doing that thing I was doing in the other room. Why don't you leave me your number and I'll let you know if Bigfoot drops by. And this is the best part of this entire scene.

So he's sitting like, you know, you can't sit. There's only really two ways to sit in a rocking chair. The first way is like you guys said, like the we. Like you sit with your back and then you kind of shake back and forth, right? The other way is to precariously sort of perch yourself and lean forward really far. So it doesn't do that, right? And this is how he's sitting. He's sitting because he's like,

a rocking chair is ridiculous. Why am I sitting in a rocking chair? And he's leaning forward really far. But then he can't actually get the line off because I think he's crunching his diaphragm. So he has to stand up at that point. He delivers his line like Robin Williams, a dead poet society.

And then he has to sit back down after he's done, and it's the best. Like again, I'm going to put another one down here for self-aware. I'm doing one right here. That was amazing. Natural genius, irreplicable. Because he starts his line, and then he's like, I would like to rise to say the rest of my sentence about Bigfoot. It was the rest of the question.

Do you know about Bigfoot? And then the sheriff's like, oh, captain, my captain. Yeah, it's amazing. And then right before Max leaves, he's like, hey, Max Lee, do I know that name? And Max is like, nope, goodbye, I'm leaving forever. So now the sheriff is going to have a flashback. Max Lee is Chekhov's gun in this, by the way. Yes, exactly. Yeah, it's Chekhov's last name.

So now the sheriff is going to have his own flashback. And, okay, here's what wehov's last name. So now the sheriff is gonna have his own flashback. And, okay, here's what we need to talk about. And here's what we really need to dig in on is how did the man who plays the first sheriff end up in this movie? Oh, see, I thought this was a Marvel Cinematic Universe movie because he looks like Stan Lee. Exactly, like Stan Lee. I actually thought for a second until he started talking.

I was like, yeah, that is no fucking way they got Stanley. Then he sounded like a fucking jug band when he spoke. If Stanley had written bad checks for meth instead of comic books, yeah, this is what Stanley would look. He literally, so this is a flashback to the sheriff telling the old sheriff, he's not the sheriff of that time, and he tells him, hey, my kids live in these woods. You need to stop hunting in them. And this guy is like, That kind of southern where you're like, oh, so the species kind of took a step back, huh? Like we're not, we're not all the way up.

I gotta get my juice harp 2 english dictionary out. Yeah, and he's like, well if if you do that, something bad will happen. He's like, I don't care. And I wrote my notes. Look, I'd say that's a silly argument, but I'm from upstate New York and I'm all too aware of how big a fight don't shoot guns with the decision-making skills of someone who hunts for fun on my property is. So you know, I can empathize I

Have no idea Eli how this guy got in the movie, but he is 100% Loving every second of being in this movie. I mean the movie I assume that what he actually I couldn't hear a word he said I assume what he said in Cajun was I'm in the movie I assume what he said in Cajun was, I'm in the movie. I like being in the movie. Can I watch this one on VHS? I got one from the library. And then Bigfoot hits the old sheriff guy,

the guy who we can't understand. Hold on though. All the guns in this movie, we start in this scene and for the rest of the movie, every single gun is not a hunting weapon and they keep on masking them as hunting weapons. They're all tactical weapons, right? 100%.

So this is all what David Owen Wright has in his house. He has like, you know, this is in his fridge or whatever he normally keeps it there. And it's a sawed off, it's a very, very, it's not sawed off, but it's a very short barreled shotgun without an actual stock. It just has the pistol grip on it. So it's literally, you would never, you would walk past this gun so far for hunting. very short barreled shotgun without an actual stock. It just has the pistol grip on it. So it's literally, you would never, you would walk past this gun so far for hunting.

There's no reason you would ever use it. The only reason you use it is because you want to jerk off to the fantasy of shooting a burglar. That's the only reason you'd ever have it. Unless Bigfoot is on the other side of a thin wall, this is not going to be useful in hunting Bigfoot. Unless Bigfoot is delivering you keys of cocaine that you are going to heist from him. You don't need this.

Yes, exactly. Unless Bigfoot needs to say hello to your little friend. Bigfoot hits him in the head with a branch. And so... Okay, you're doing another spoiler. The current sheriff hits the former sheriff in the head with a branch. I did not spoil that. I did not spoil that. It's Bigfoot. It's not the current sheriff hits the former sheriff in the head with a branch. I did not spoil that! I did not spoil that! It's Bigfoot! It's not the current sheriff. It's Bigfoot. Well, we think. We're not sure what happens. We're not sure. We just see Bigfoot hit him with a branch.

Yeah, well, you see something fall, and then you see a hat on the ground, and then you see the gun on the ground, and then you see a branch on the ground. So I don't know. Maybe the tree fell. Who even knows? Well, and then the flashback ends and the current sheriff is like, and that's how I got my watch, I said to myself. This one here, I'm holding it. Yeah, that's another thing we missed was the watch, because that's when he's snooping, he finds a watch, which...

Right. So this is the movie tying that together. And us watching this being like, okay, I wonder how this mystery is going to go. But that's the backstory. That's pretty much the backstory. Yeah. So we get a little walking in the woods. Is it like Excalibur and you become sheriff if you get their watch? Is that kind of what they're going for? Yeah, absolutely. It's like the second Riddick movie. You keep what you kill. It's like that.

It's just like that. Right. A nice accessible reference nobody's ever very hound and Riddick too Okay, so this guy's the sheriff you can tell I shot I shopped off the budget rack everywhere I went you know I mean that was what was available all right see so your mother said you were a little disappointed at your huckleberry Hound sock and boppers so So Grandma got you Riddick too. I know you don't haven't seen Riddick one yet, but I'm guessing you can infer what happens. Chronicles of Riddick. There you go.

So we get some walking in the woods. I am actually going to skip over how long this walking in the woods is podcast listener, but I'm not kidding. It is a 10 minute scene of just walking in the woods. Entries. It really is. Entries. This is the main character, I guess. Main character Max Lee walking through the woods. Now, is this is this a flashback?

This is a flashback because he has a gun in this scene, right? Well, so it's confusing because he's walking in the woods and then he wakes up from that walking in the woods. Yes. So this feels like they eventually intended it to be a flashback. That was a nightmare. And he wakes up from it. OK, all right.

To be clear, the scene structure so far has been current time looking at something flashback, meeting with the sheriff, sheriff's flashback, David still in his flashback and then bringing us to now where he is woken up sheriff's flashback, David's still in his flashback, and then bringing us to now where he has woken up from his flashback. Right, right. We still don't know what was 20 years ago. No. But he's working at his laptop checking to see if he got an email from Bigfoot,

and then he walks through the woods some more. My favorite part is he hears a Bigfoot at this point. At a certain point he hears something rustling in the forest. And like the rustling in the forest is a burglar, he decides to rack the shotgun at this point. He does, yeah. And my favorite subtitle I've ever seen came across the screen and it said gun worrying Gun go check That's exactly it. That's were right there. Yeah worrying. Yeah, okay. I love your notes here, too

By the way, so so it's new with you He's like writing me a notes in the notes cuz notes because there's nothing to see except for him walking. You play Forgotten City yet? I feel like that didn't get the praise it deserved because it started out as a Skyrim vlog. It was really interesting. Groundhog Day murder mystery, right? What do you guys want to podcast about this week?

Okay, so from there, he wakes up, checks his email, then he does more walking in the woods, then mid-walking... Where are we in the notes? I don't even know at this point. We're here! We're here! Mid-walking, he has another flashback. So to be clear, we're in a flashback of walking through the woods while he is walking through the woods.

We saw him wake up from a flashback, now he's having another flashback. So this is like Inception flashback. Yes, exactly. This is like flashback from a flashback from a flashback. Exactly. All that this movie was lacking was me having a flashback while watching this movie, while watching this movie. Also, different gun though this time, but it's a tactical rifle Yes, not an actual like so again like none of these are hunting rifles like this is like

This is something that you walk into the gun store, and it looks the coolest and so that's why you bought it You don't know anything about it. It's not even like a name-brand. You're just like that one looks badass, man I like how the stock goes. It's a spoiler on the back This gun rolls cold. That's why I bought it. This is a guns and ammo centerfold. Yeah exactly, exactly. But he spots three bigfoots through his scope. I think it's

big feet. Yeah. And then, correct me if I'm wrong here, the eye of Sauron sees him? Yes. That can be nothing else. And I don't mean like an effect like the eye of Sauron. I genuinely think they might have taken the eye of Sauron from the Lord of the Rings. Yeah.

Stuck it in there for like three seconds worth of frames. Yes. Yeah. And so Max now runs through the woods. Don't worry. The wood running never leads to anything But it is hilarious because this actor is as good at running through the woods as he was Exiting a car and opening a door

It looks like they told him to run but he has to take a shit really bad And he was like I'm still gonna do this heat and he's doing the best he can I told you I had diarrhea You gotta run. Okay Yeah, they're filming him and he's walking. He keeps like, he's got like some sort of like gait that makes him lean a lot. So he keeps on leaning as he's running. And in the previous scene too, he was trying to climb up a hill and he goes to grab a tree as he's going up and he misses and almost falls.

And they had to cut the scene. I guarantee he fell. He fell and rolled down the hill for a while. Yes, he could still be rolling. Scotsman chasing a cheese stop to help him. They were like, are you a kid? Did you ever step onto a beach barefoot and it was hotter than you expected and you're just like, I'm going to go for it anyway?

That's him running for a lot of this. What? So good. He runs like he's headbutting something, but he never gets to the head thing. He's headbutting It's like you have to walk quickly across gravel and bare feet It's like that where you kind of like you know how you want to headbutt a carrot and it just it's hanging right there Yeah, yeah, so that ends end of him running flashback He walks in the woods some more and then he wakes up the next morning to a phone call from the sheriff Yeah, and the sheriff asked him if he found Bigfoot. He says no and then he says well You should come over for dinner tonight, and he says no I'm fine. I'm gonna eat in my room

And he says you'll be there. Sorry. He actually says exact words. No, I'm just going to eat here in my room. And I was like, that is the saddest, the Heath and Wright story. It made me cringe whilst eating in my room, watching this by myself. Keith was eating his ninth unsealed

bacterial meal in a row. I was like, yikes man, get some love in your life. Jesus. It's really about making time for other people. Oh, time to wash my one bowl, one spoon. Wouldn't it have been awesome though if they just spent like 40 minutes watching him just eat alone in his room, just watching random things on television.

He's got Oreo crumbs on his chest as he's sitting in the bed. I don't know. Maybe I'm going to another point in the column here. Maybe that's a self-aware. No, no, it's right in my column, damn it. Point in mine. I don't know which is better for me if it's satire. I'll work it out. But apparently the royal instruction to be at dinner works and so he's like, okay, yes,

I will come to dinner. Very forceful invitation. You don't turn something like that down. There's like a code of honor about food invitations throughout this movie. This is the first one. I kind of like it. It's like vampires can only come in if they're invited and Big Feet invites you to dinner. And you have to go.

Invite you to dinner and have no choice about it. Yeah, exactly. And if you invite them to food, they have to go. So they have to go. Which we will learn later. Oh, it's all coming together. The fiction's all making sense. So now we get more Woods wandering.

I have to point this out because this is where we get one of my favorite best worsts in the movie. The greatest book ever. It is his Bigfoot journal. It's so good. It looks like a prop for a wizard in a school play. He has Dead Sea Scrolls on papyrus as his diary. It's an age with coffee. And again, he's just writing notes in it. But I have to talk about this because at the end of the scene, right, he writes some notes about Bigfoot, did not see Bigfoot today. Hold on, hold on. Before you continue, I just want to say this book is thicker than any book you could possibly imagine.

It's Harry Potter 7. It's so huge. It's like war and peace thick. And he's on page three writing notes. So he really thinks, he's like, you know what? I'm going to need this. I need a journal this large because I have that many. No, he like just read The Secret yesterday and now he's like starting to do journaling, manifesting abundance about big feet.

I need the biggest one. I was going to say it's the Eli Bosnic bullet journals of usefulness. But so the reason I mentioned this scene is because he finishes writing on page three of the journal and then he goes to put the pen in his pocket. Gentlemen, I went back. Would either of you like to guess how long it takes this actor to manage to put a pen in his pocket? Okay.

Yeah. He also has to deal with a zipper and it goes horribly wrong. Yeah. That's part of the problem. Between those two problems, it's a good nine and a half minutes. It is, no joke, five seconds. Of just the pen. Of just the pen. He's like, oh, missed my pocket. Missed my pocket. He misses his pocket twice. Then it's in the key pocket and still jabbing me in the side because it only went in a little. He has to grab the pocket and hold it still. It's a two-handed operation.

Then he turns away from the camera, hoping that we somehow haven't noticed that he's been struggling with his pen for the five seconds. Thrusts the pen, I assume, into his still beating heart. It's like the kid who doesn't start crying until they know you saw them get hurt a little bit. And then he looks and he's like, the camera's still on. I can't put pens in my pocket. And then he has to try to open a zipper, put his impossibly big book into his bag, and then close the

zipper. And that's the next nine minutes, 25 seconds. But they film the whole thing. Why do you film the whole thing? Why don't you just be like, oh yeah, he's putting his book away and then just cut instead they he's like, fuck, I gotta move this other book out of the way. And he's like, he's kind of huffing to him. Says, I'm getting mad fucking wrong pocket. He pulls it off. He's like he's kind of huffing to him says

Yeah, he hurts his finger and has to wave his finger like owie first And they list the thing up and it's like it's like when you have a Grocery bag that is just as big as the thing you're putting into it He's kind of shaking it a little to try to get it down at the bottom It's like a garbage bag Then then he finally crams it down using his elbow and then he has to hold it under his hand and wrap the leather around the thing. There's a lot of movement in this scene and it takes forever, man. OK, when he straps the camera up to the tree, what's the end game there?

Like it's a wildlife camera. It's just watching. You're going to like use the National Bigfoot facial database to figure out which one this is. And then like... He's really hoping that Bigfoot passes by that particular tree. And then he's like, I go back to this tree and try to hunt here. But he's already there.

We do. We actually watch him change the batteries later. Okay. That's how boring this movie is. Okay, but then he finds a clump of hair in, I think, in the present real life. I think we're all the way out of the swooshes. And he finds hair. No fucking clue, Heath and Ray.

Whatever you say, oh Captain, my Captain. And then he takes out his diary. He's like, dear diary. Found. Clump. Of. Hair. Bigfoot. You said. Question mark. I wouldn't find anything Asshole now bigfoot side no radiation under not reusing pens from now This one's staying out Well, he's definitely gonna do a little more journaling so we we'll take a quick break, give him some time for that, and then we'll be back with more Bigfoot Grip of the Monster.

And then the scallop wrapped in bacon. So good. Right? Cecil Pastafagiol something Italian. Not my name. Why would Pastafagiol be in the middle? Ep, ep, ep, ep, ep, ep, ep. Unsubscribe me, Cecil, right now.

Unsubscribe you? From what? Season Liberally? I follow you on YouTube and this is how you thank me? Dude, Season Liberally doesn't have a subscription service. Wait, it doesn't? No, but if you want help managing your subscriptions, you should try Rocket Money.

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and if I see something I don't want, Rocket Money can help me cancel it with a few taps. Sounds great, Heath, but what do you love about it? I love how the dashboard shows me this month's spending compared to last month so I can clearly see my spending habits. Plus, they'll help me create a custom budget and keep my spending on track. Rocket Money will even try to negotiate lower bills for you by up to 20%. All you have to do is submit a picture of your bill, and Rocket Money takes care of the rest.

They'll deal with customer service for you. In fact, Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's features. Alright Heath, I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. That's rocketmoney.com slash awful movies.

Rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. Alright guys, thanks. Still doesn't explain what I was signed up for though. Eli, this is treason liberally. It's Trump's email list. Oh, right. So you're gonna unsubscribe? No.

Sure. I'm just saying, if you compare us to someone like Shaquille O'Neal or even Yao Ming, right? Dude, you gotta let this go. It's a weird identifier for me. You know, like for a species. Sasquatch Dave! Sasquatch Chris! how you guys doing? Hey.

Hey Sasquatch Steve, what's up? I just saw a human in the woods. Oh nice! What'd you do? Did you eat him? Oh, did you kill him? Worse? Really? What'd you do? I like, stacked some rocks up.

Sorry, you stacked up rocks, as I said? Yeah, and then they found them and they were like, whoa. Whoa, sure. Did you do anything else? Yeah, did I do anything else? Yeah, of course. Okay, nice, nice. Well, there we go. Alright. So, so he went to take a picture. Oh, yeah. And then I moved so it was all blurry. Blurry. Got it. Cool. Okay. Totally got him. Sure. Cool. Hey, given the size of how large some human feet are, does it strike you as weird that they call us?

Let it go, man. Gotta let it go. Fine, I'm letting it go. You're not. And we're back. When we left off, Max had just found a clump of Bigfoot hair. And then he gets physically thrown into another flashback of his own memory. And he tumbles into it. Here's what I think is supposed to be happening.

I think he's supposed to be remembering the time he saw the Bigfoot's through his scope and then he saw the Eye of Sauron and this is him running away some more. But because they cut the last scene with him tripping, which is how I assume that actor ends all movement through space. It does literally look like he falls through present time, like into the, like King and Kid Arthur's court style. Cause he's not falling over, doodly-doo wipe. He tumbles forward like an idiot. Yeah. And we're in a flashback. That's what we watch. Yeah. I wrote at this point between this and the get-ahead

We did for pajama party last week. I think we may exclusively be pranking Heath with our movies at this point Do you think he really requested like those those those wrist guards that you wear when you rollerblade just to make sure that he Did hurt himself? I mean landed, you know, he's like I need some knee pads He really should have got some of those. Yeah, and this flashback there's no reason for this flashback either. It's like two seconds, and it's just him flashback tumble, and then he comes back out of it. He's like yeah, that was just a sad memory of the time I fell really bad. Anyway, I'm holding a clump of hair still. Gashed the fuck out of my knee when I did that. Man, it sucked. I lit the limp out of the forest. And apparently he brought like a plastic evidence bag in case he found some Bigfoot DNA hair, whatever. And he puts it in the evidence bag.

He doesn't want to corrupt the crime scene. Yeah, exactly. What is he going to do with that? I got to give props where props are due. Okay? This movie sucks. This movie's terrible. There's no good really redeeming parts, but I will say this. There is a wood shot. And there's a lot of wood shots in here. So you get to become a connoisseur after a point. You're like, you know, this one's kind of lame. I don't like this one. Cause at a certain point they're just banging the thing around on its tripod. It's not great, but there is one shot. And this is the, this is the part where they focus pull from

Actually focus push so there's a close shot that they focus push to the far shot of the trees And it's two different trees in two different zones so one's farther away than the other and it looks good It's a good shot This is it. This is the one spot. We found the good shot in the movie everybody. This is the one spot. Just a cool like racking focus of two trees far away. Exactly. Kind of talking to each other.

Yeah. For those of you playing along with the ARG, this is the good shot. We found it. So now we're going to cut over to a phone call with the sheriff. And look, I think it's important we spoil the movie at this point. We already hinted at it earlier, but the point of this movie, as Cecil mentioned at the beginning, and as Heath mentioned before, right? The point of this movie is that a family of Bigfoot's are trying to blend into this town, right? They somehow managed to turn themselves back into

humans or they're shaved, as Cecil suggested at the beginning. And so now the sheriff is getting a call from the tourism board about whether or not They should make an announcement about Bigfoot and this scene is super boring if it's just a sheriff who doesn't want to talk about Bigfoot Fucking hilarious because it's Bigfoot. Yeah, and he's like Bigfoot. No Sorry, you say that again book? How's it pronounced? Bigfoot. No. Bigfoot. We were thinking, you know, big announcement, gin up a little tourism business. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Exactly. So now we're back in the woods with Max. I want to point out that at this point I wrote in my notes,

we are a third into this movie, a Christian third. Maybe they just think flashbacks are a scene transition. I wrote I wrote in my notes, I was like, this movie is almost over, right? Yeah, we're only 20 minutes into the movie. 68 minutes was a stretch. There's a lot to go, but the movie is quite certain that they're like ramping up the action right here. Because, like, the music is... The music of a really good movie is happening somewhere else, not here. But we're pretty sure it might land here. If you like panned over a little bit,

there'd be like the Battle of five armies happening just at a frame or Something that's what the music is telling us, but then it's just max being like check the Mud with my hand. Yep Yeah, it's pretty good mud. That's pretty good mud right there also max throughout all of these different flashbacks You can't really tell because if they were going to do a flashback right, they would be like, all right, so here you go, Max, you're going to be in this outfit with this vest and this hat and you'll always have this gun. So that way we know this is

Max of the past. And then when you're in the future, you can have your bookcase or your briefcase on your shoulder and your pen hanging out of your upper pocket because you can't actually put it in there and we'll have you have a camera around your neck. Those would be the two Max's. But they keep like sort of giving him accoutrement from different time frames and so you're never sure you're like, is this Max from the future or the past or is this a Max in an alternate universe? What is happening?

Because you never know. He's just holding an eight and a half by 11 of a newspaper from that day. I just don't know which backs it is. Are you looking at it or is that from the now time? So now it's time to have dinner at the sheriff's house. He asked him how his big foot hunt went and he's like, man, I just walked through the woods and then Eli Heathen Cecil had to do like 10 minutes about me putting a pen in my pocket. It was great.

And this is where we're going to get the creepy right children. Now look, yes, creepy right children is very redundant. We have seen these children in multiple films. Now, these are not children who need to act to be creepy. So this is creepy children acting creepy. It's a double creepy. That's a point in the self-aware column. You think so?

No, I'm telling you, this is kids. This is them being bad actors. Creepy, creepy, it like circles back around. They're like the Von Trapps now. They're like charming as they come downstairs insanely. And there is a piece of this portion when they come downstairs and they all have their hair in front of their face and they're all kind of looking really, you know,

trying to look angry or whatever through their giant mops of hair that they're looking through. And they focus back on Max and they're both standing up and the camera has no idea where to go. So they're kind of looking down on Max but looking up at the girls. It's very strange. But they go back and forth and this is where you cut the music and you turn it into 80s synth music and it would a hundred percent be a sitcom in the 80s. Oh, for sure.

It would be these guys. It's, and that's why I think it's self-aware because I genuinely, I was laughing until I cried at this scene. It is so amazing to watch them go back and forth. And Max trying to be like, Ha! What is I, eh, ah? And he can't actually say it.

It's the fucking best. It is the best. There's this great moment where they're all eating dinner, where Max has obviously been told to like, awkwardly try to start conversation, but they didn't write the line for the actor so he's like, so y'all... Dash?

Pfft. I go, you go, fuck, yep. Ahhhh. Okay, bye. This is... This is, do you go to school around here? Yep. You come here often, your house, stupid.

You taste stupid. And that's when the sheriff explains that he homeschools the girls and I was like okay but like the rights definitely homeschool their kids. That's correct. Life imitating art here. It also feels like Max doesn't believe in homeschooling as an effective model for education. He kind of says like homeschool like and I thought to myself I thought that feels weird in this movie. Yeah. Shouldn't they says like homeschool like and I thought to myself I thought that feels weird in this movie Yeah, shouldn't they be like homeschooling is amazing can see he's like homeschooling. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Yeah, max the actor is like cool

I don't know what to say to that. You know, are you a good teacher that? You know, are you a good teacher? That feels smart, I can't do that. But okay, there's one moment before the kids get here, and this is important that the kids aren't there yet. He comes in, Max comes in, he's invited, he gets pulled in violently actually by Sheriff Dad for dinner. And then he meets Sheriff's wife. And she's like, Oh, hello, I wasn't expecting you.

My husband brings home strays a lot. I think were her exact words. And I was like, Jesus, is this like stump? He's stumbling into a threesome with. And OK, like actual opinion, I think the rights tried to do a threesome with this actor. He walked in and like, I don't know, like Ashley Ray is wearing a fursuit with no crotch. It went very badly. And then they were like, what?

No, we're doing this scene. Sasquatch rehearsal. We want you to star in a Sasquatch movie. Thank you for answering our Craigslist ad, by the way, because we were looking for movie for movie. I was just trying to put a pen in my front pocket and I ripped that area. Kind of sound would a Sasquatch make. Go ahead.

You do yours first. Go ahead. Okay. Oh, too high. Yours. That was you. Terrible. Yours was mine.

Mine was great. I did. If you you enjoyed take out your right headphone if you enjoyed Sasquatch orgasm take out your left headphone if you enjoyed if you're into Pterodactyl stuff. Okay. Well, you didn't say we got to change the creature. It could be a Sasquatch dactyl cheating anyways, then he leaves and and the only reason I have to point this out is cuz cheating anyways then he leaves and and the only reason I have to point this out is cuz Fingers as he's leaving the right daughters go for an in-sync creepy ways, but they fail This is the this is self aware self aware. Yes This was this is just stupid kids it was I will die on this everybody scary wave goodbye in unison in Left and what is to the right once in the middle and they're both they're going opposite

It's amazing they bonk each other in the elbow right on the funny bone and it's like If this is on purpose, it's not if this is on purpose, it's not. If this is on purpose, the rights are brilliant comedians, and I cede this podcast to them. They should come on and talk about making brilliant comedy. Genius. Sheer genius. Watch this scene and try to disagree with me. So now he gets another call from the sheriff, and he's like, So are you going back out to look for Bigfoot again today and he's like yes that is what the movie is about and then we watch a man who has failed at walking for most of this film attempt to build a tent oh and it goes as well as you're imagining so long like I thought

he was gonna straight I thought he going to full Thomas Midgley himself. Full Thomas Midgley. At one point he's like, I don't know which side is... I'm lost. I need an Allen wrench for a tent? Fuck. It's like a fitted sheet. This is impossible. This is impossible.

I thought he was going to try to blow it up at one point. I thought he was looking for a tube to blow in. He's spinning it around. He flips it over. He opens it up. Then he's like, fuck, it's on the wrong side. And he's starting to get mad, too. He's kind of getting a little angry and you could see him sort of pushing it like

very forcefully to the ground. This is the greatest scene. Again, self-aware. Yeah. And if you try to angrily move a zipper, it just makes it worse. So he does some of that. It's the best. And then they just they cut right in the middle of that. And then fast forward to like 10 hours later after several other people helped him put together the tent and the tent's up. Yeah and he's writing in his gigantic handmade diary again with the coffee stain pages and now

he's on page four. Yep. Well you know you had the page three for the hair. Yeah, right. Yeah. Okay. And now he's moving forward. So here's what I think is supposed to happen. I think Bigfoot is supposed to approach the tent and like attack it. But what actually happened is they put this actor who can't walk and can't assemble a tent inside the tent. Then they kicked it. He somehow fell and got trapped inside.

And we watched that happen in complete darkness without night vision. Right, so we hear that happen. Very vague shapes moving in the dark. But yeah, I thought they were going for like, Bigfoot tore open the tent and like attacked him. But that's not what happened. Like the movie was just lying. It and like attacked him. But it- But no. But that's not what happened.

Like the movie was just lying. It's like Blair Witch. It's like when they touch the outside of the tent. Like that's what happens. Somebody just came up and just touched the outside of the tent. And then that's the scary part. They saw the first half of Blair Witch before the riots were like, this is the mark of Satan. But they do remember someone touched a tent.

And so that's what they were going for. So that's it. That's that scene. Yep. Now we cut to him pouring himself some camp coffee And the only reason I have to point this out is because they obviously have one of those like big Camp coffee pots, right? The one that's meant for like six or seven people all going hunting together and they weren't gonna buy a fucking new one So this actor is just like Lou Lou Lou pouring myself a gallon of coffee and the other thing too is there's no fire anywhere so he like there's no stove no fire no nothing and it's literally just sitting on a rock and I'm like that's not a

light it's not an electric kettle man you've got to actually have like an actual fire underneath it. Like, no, no, no, we don't need no fire shit. Trust me, he made coffee and there was a fire. There was a burn order, we're not allowed to do it. I'm sorry. Did you see this guy try to make a tent? There's no way we're trusting him around a fire.

It's just cold brew. We put beans and water in there a while ago and it's fine. It's fine, it's brewed. So yeah, he sees some rocks stacked. Oh, this is the rocks. This is the rocks. Fantastic. Okay, according to the movie, Bigfoot, who maybe didn't or did attack earlier, showed up while he was gone and did like a rock balancing sculpture?

Like one of those little like zen rock balancers? What is happening? But it's so funny because, again, the Wright family had to make this sculpture. So it's four rocks Yeah, the Wrights spent out in the woods being like we can't fucking get five Ashley it's 3 a.m Okay, I don't think it's physically possible. I keep trying to Google it. Can you stack fiber? I can't do it Okay, it has to be four. I think they maybe glue them. That's what I Know he does walk over does he does he actually pick them up? Does he know no, so they're glued together They're a hundred percent like a person together. There's no way that they tried to balance their big foot glued. Yeah

gorilla glue Just pan over bigfoot's raking as Sandy's end guard Flower arrangement I like that idea Yeah, Sherman a bonsai tree. Yeah So they he wanders the woods some more We watch him change the batteries in his tree cam. And then we get what is an attempted apoc scare in this movie, but it's just as fast as David can come around a tree. So he's like, hello there.

And it's like, yeah, man, we could smell you smell like rubbing alcohol. And he was like, anyways, leave. Oh God, the worst leave. Oh God. The worst push he has got. He keeps on doing this throughout the whole movie. He's calling him on the phone. Are you going to leave yet? Are you leaving yet?

No, I still got to go walk around the woods and pick up more drain hair. Sorry, I'm busy. Are you leaving yet? Are you leaving yet? I'm not Bigfoot. Yeah. So now it's time for Max to do some research. Yeah, so he's wandering through town

He picks up a newspaper article about the old sheriff and sees the watch on the sheriff's wrist And then he has a flashback to remembering when he saw that watch in the sheriff's desk It's all coming together. Hold on though the picture in that is on this flyer of the sheriff is Hold on though, the picture that is on this flyer of the sheriff is a picture that was taken with him in all the exact same clothes, holding the exact same gun, so his last known photo is of the same day he went hunting. It is as though Dave, the Bigfoot went, okay, well, if you're going to keep hunting, let me take a picture of you before you go

But now we're going to get Heath's Best worst. There you go. He is going to be followed by a Bigfoot child and this Bigfoot child is Going to hide behind a tree. Look, I know a lot of you just joined our patreon And so Tim I'm gonna have you look into our show notes and post this on our patreon This screenshot of this child hiding behind the tree It's the closest I'm gonna get to admitting that this movie is funny on purpose. I don't know Even a half admission to you is full point on one side. I don't think it's Of this child Standing not even behind the tree I don't think it's possible. Look at the picture. Come on! Look at the picture, man! Look at the picture of this child standing not even behind the tree.

Not even! Just one eye! You're hiding one of your eyes! Tim, post it as a poll. Post it as a poll if this is real or satire. Because I don't think they're self-aware enough to do satire. This is just a still photo and you can hear her being like no you can't see me I'd hide I'd hide I'd just don't you'd stop. You don't see me. No, you don't Not know you're doing this come on I have to believe it in my heart

So now okay just to be clear. This is the beginning of her spy mission. Yes, she will be back She will be back. She will be back, yes. She will be for most of the rest of the movie, in fact. So now, because he's looking for information, he's going to go chat with the librarian. This is the greatest scene in this movie. This is the greatest scene in this movie. It's perhaps the greatest scene that's ever been recorded.

There's so much to talk about in it. But the first thing that we have to talk about is do you think the people at this library knew? No. Right? No. That is what I think. No. I think they just walked into the library with a camera and filmed this guy talking to people. Yeah and the like eight old people who are at the library during the day in Hemlock Falls whatever the fuck Maine are just like all, well there's a completely wasted drunk guy with a camera in a Bigfoot suit, and... I'm not gonna acknowledge him. He's making a movie? So...

I'm just looking for a book about birding. Sorry, excuse me, excuse me. And look, at the risk of pissing off our librarian listeners, who are both force-major and strong in their opinions, I will say this is a dog shit library. It's one of those small town three shelf libraries where it's like, OK, well, this is just an old person's book

collection, like not nice book collection. I have I personally have more books than this library by like a lot. Oh, man. This there's can we talk about the librarian just for a second? So he goes up to the librarian. Very beginning of this, which he he asked, like, well, going for a big foil, looking for a big foot sighting.

And he and she says, oh, there's big foot sighting. Where was it? He's like, it was pretty close. It's like right nearby, like really close. So do you know anything about it? She said, no, let me tell you a story about her hermit He used to live here and take trinkets from people No There was a hermit who lived nearby and he would steal from people

end of story and That is that woman just being like you said word. It's my turn now. Self-aware. A man took my azaleas. Yeah. It's the best. And can I say, she will not be the most batshit response in this scene. Dude there's another guy who's sitting at the table. He comes down, sits down, starts talking to another guy. And this guy's sitting at the table and they start talking to him. He's like, you know anything about Bigfoot?

And the guy says, no, but those are our, we have a bird feeder outside, and those are our good birds to have around and stuff. So. That's his little lie. Those are good birds to have around and stuff. It's just an old guy who's immediately like, no, I don't know anything about that.

Anyway, birding, I talk now. anything about that. Anyway birding I talk now It is my turn. Remember it was her turn before now mine. I talked for a while. I'm gonna list the birds I know it's so fucking insane like podcast listener. I know we make jokes on this show This is just accurate reporting of the conversation And he also he doesn't know a lot about bird And he also he doesn't know a lot about birds Exact quote he goes those are good birds to have around and stuff But you know because of climate change and stuff and pesticides and stuff. Oh, that was my favorite though He does say that he says something about climate change

Which kind of indicates that it might be a real thing. And then it was like, cut! You're out of the fucking movie, Dave! Walk away now! Leave! Walk away now! You said you were gonna add 97 sentences about birds in our Bigfoot movie. And he is literally out of the movie. They show him... Yeah! They show him slinking away.

They show him slinking away! And that's it. Hold on. Point in the self-aware column. Let me have the floor for a second. I think that's a point. There's no fault. Again. Oh no.

Eli, let me speak. Let me finish. Let me finish. Let me finish. I cede my time. I cede my time. So here we go. I'm going to reclaim our time after this, though.

Here's what I'm going to say. He put... This was written into the plot. The pesticide and the climate change was written in the plot so that they could depict him as a crazy person. That's... It's self-aware. I'm sorry, self-aware. This was written dialogue that he...

Or at least they gave him a vague sketch of what he's supposed to do. The guy who likes birds and admits that climate change is real is written on purpose that way to be the crazy person in comparison to the big foot hunter who has come to a library to get the hot goss from the townsfolk, the scuttlebutt at the library about Big Feet at the library. Yes. Okay, the time is a flat circle.

Yes. The three songs. My theory is this is a point against because it's just like they went to a real library and that's what happened. You know what? I will cross it out. I think you're right. Or that is the most gifted and brilliant comedian of the 21st century,

who was just hanging out at that and he was like, I was thinking I could do a perfectly acted bit about a person who's so unaware he talks about birds for like 97 minutes. And they were like, alright, I mean we are a brilliant family of satirists who have created... This is the Sacha Baron Cohen of Christian movies. Yes, exactly. Yeah, Sasha Baron Cohen of Christian movies. Okay. But now the librarian comes over. She did find a book on Bigfoot and also she recognizes him.

He wrote a book about Bigfoot. Yeah, she gets excited. She's like, wait, wait, wait. Are you the Max fucking Lee? The Bigfoot author? He's like, yeah, don't just be cool. Are you the Max fucking Lee? The big brother. He's like, yeah, don't just, be cool, be cool. But yes, yes, yes.

Be cool, please, I'm just trying to live a normal life. Please, I just want to live one day as a normal man. She rips open her top, she's like, sign my tits right now. Right now. Please. Are you kidding me? Also, this is where I learned about bean suppers, right? Cause he's asking her about the sheriff and he's like, did you ever meet him? And she's like, oh, maybe I saw him at a bean supper. So I went down a bean supper rabbit hole. That's what she said. Oh, okay.

Bean supper is a potluck that takes place in Maine that is- So it's horrible is what you're saying. Just baked beans. Oh, so it's doubly horrible. Okay, sure. Wow. Who was like, um, I love it when Chris brings the baked beans. Oh, so it's doubly horrible. Okay, sure. Wow. Who was like, um, I love it when Chris brings the baked beans and I love it when Daphne brings the baked beans.

Have you ever thought, why do we have other foods at these things? Let's just have baked beans. Let's push our luck with food poisoning. What do you guys say? Can we just see if we get as much food poisoning here as possible? Let's just get a bunch of tiny hot dogs and cut them up and that's new dinner for everybody. Okay, that's a real thing. Bean suppers. Yes. I went down a whole rabbit hole about this.

Okay. And like honestly, that whole rabbit hole very likely happened. I guess they cut it, the one cut they made to this movie, because like the whole scene, it's amazing. It's just this this Max League guy trying to hurry old people to get to the point and helping him find Bigfoot, which is also the experience of watching this movie is trying to hurry old people to get to the point. It's so slow. Yeah. There's this great moment where he's like, OK, well,

all right, you didn't know the sheriff. Do you know anyone associated with the movie? And she goes, no, no, I don't. And then I don't. And then I don't know what expression she was going for, but this is the word she said. She goes, librarians are above the truth. She pulls out a Highlander sword. I'm going to go kill for the sake of killing. Bye. Like if we were going to have a pope in the world who's the conduit to God, I think it

should be a librarian. I was gonna pick one. And it would be okay for her to declare herself above the truth. And then to wrap up this scene, we're gonna pan over to the least stealthy child ever who is now hiding behind a shelf in this four shelf library. It's so good. She's like, yeah, trees and paper are both wood. You just need to be near wood stuff, right? That's what spies do is stand near behind wood ish.

Oh, God. To be clear, the spy mission was like, get behind tiny tree. Spy, spy, spy. Go to the library, get behind bookshelf, spy, spy, spy, spy. And then they show us outside the library. He's now, Max is getting back into his car and she's there again behind the exact same tree. With one eye behind the tree.

She's got one eye behind the tree again. Another point in the column for self-aware is her bangs, okay? Yes, like there's no way you don't have that as an ironic haircut. Well, then I owe the rights money see so we need to Get their work out there to the larger world see so Now we've discovered comedic genius. Oh here. We are making fun of them. They make the world a better place They're bringing laughter back. I have to readjust my whole life. Anyways, Max Lee is going to drive a UTV now.

Or actually, he's going to start to drive a UTV. And based on how this actor set up a tent and navigated a library, they were like, if you let him drive that for even an inch, he is going to die in a fiery wreck. So he starts up the UTV and then we just see the sheriff stepping in front of him being like, Nope, you can't drive a vehicle in the movie. It's amazing. They show him actually calling the place asking to rent a UTV and he's like, Oh wait, I can

get it right now. Like right now in the movie, like I thought we were going to watch him go rent it. Yeah. Like four seasons total landscaping for a while. He's got to pull out his license and like fill out a bunch of paperwork. And they're going to, you know, have you ever gone behind one before? Ah, I got to drive back home to get that one. I don't have.

All right. Also, it felt like there was like a side bet to see how many times they could say UTV in a scene. Because it felt like they kept saying it over and over. He's on the phone. Then he gets in it and he's like, this is a cool UTV. And he's driving around and the sheriff comes like, it looks like you got yourself a UTV. Yes, Sheriff, I did get a UTV. Well, you shouldn't be driving around here in a UTV. Cool. Like, what the fuck, man?

UTV is a cool thing. It's actually an initialism. A lot of people would say acronym, but it's actually because you say out the letters not like say it as like an it Man you TV though And Eli's not kidding there's a scene in this where he's sitting in the he gets in puts the parking brake down They have a camera on a tripod that they switch to he pulls it forward two inches and then puts the brake on. Yep. We watch him park badly several times. He's driving around he's like is this a good park and stuff? Nah I can get closer to the woods and then to a different edge of the woods and then a third time and he finally parks and gets out of his. It's

like watching me try to parallel park which both of the People on this podcast of experience like what was he hoping you never actually succeeded in in parallel parking? So I don't think that's did you think like like Bigfoot would just be like taking a nap on a blanket Just outside of the woods line and be like Something ah you got me trying to get a tan But yeah, the sheriff steps out, he stops him. He pulls his gun immediately and says, you're lucky I didn't shoot you. And I wrote my notes, why would you shoot him?

Well, first, before the sheriff shows up, he, Max gets attacked by assuming, I'm assuming Bigfoot with a throw of a tree, like an entire tree. Or a tree falls over on him. It's unclear what's being going on there. OK, but then a boulder, a huge boulder gets thrown. Right. Yeah. So probably a big foot. But again, none of them are near the car.

Right. We just see a tree falling. We see a boulder falling. And then Max is in a parked UTV. Right. And then out of nowhere, the sheriff is right there immediately with a gun out. Yeah. Yeah I didn't just have a boulder what I didn't throw a boulder at you did it I didn't do it if you're gonna kill him. Why didn't he just shoot it? I don't understand or hit him with the tree successfully or like any of the other times Was there a drone shot in this?

Was there a drone shot in this? Hmm. Oh, you know what? At the very beginning when he's driving around, they did use a drone shot. Yeah. Because I wanted to be like, again, I wanted to be like, oh no, that was actually, that was a nice change of pace because normally they're just like staring up at trees and spinning around in circles. Yeah.

You get the motion sickness and I was like, oh, that's a nice change of pace. It's like, all right, no, that's nice. Usually it's Lila Q Cam and this one was a full drone shot. Yeah But yeah, the sheriff is just like alright, I didn't shoot you You should stop looking for Bigfoot and he's like you've said that to me in literally every scene And he's like well, I'm not though Bigfoot stop looking for me. I mean Bigfoot. I mean what yeah I'll hit you with the rock next time you said said it. UTV. Okay, well one way or another, the sheriff keeps being there right after Bigfoot.

Anyway, let me give act three the hard sell. Who's gonna be Bigfoot? Find out the big twist. From your turn for the alt-right, last name right, conclusion of Bigfoot. Grip of the Monster. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey Cecil, you ready for- whoa! What's with the sword?

Oh, hey Eli. Heath ate the other half of the blueberry donut in the break room, so I am going to stab him. Stab him? Cecil, it looks like you could use a break. I know, but it's hard to remind myself before I get out the undrawn blade that thirsts for blood, you know? Definitely I know. But have you tried therapy?

Therapy? For this? Absolutely. Therapy is a great way to deal with anger, anxiety, or whatever tough emotions you're going through. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist

and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. So no awkward therapist breakups? No awkward therapist breakups. Take a moment. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Awful today to get 10% off your first month. That's better help. H.E.L.P. dot com slash awful. Thanks, Eli. I think I might give it a shot.

Here he is. The blueberry bandit. Mr. Slowpoke. Right. So slow, no blow. Berry. OK, I'm going to stab him. Yeah. Oh, by all means. Blueberry. So slew, no blueberry. Nailed it. Didn't work either. Don gonna stab him. Yeah. Oh by all means blueberry so slough no blueberry Nailed it didn't work either. Don't stab me

Hey, hey, what are you doing? Oh me Yeah, super obviously you why are you following me? I'm not. You are. You're standing behind a dandelion and humming. And you're humming what I think is Mission Impossible movie music? Nope. Not that one. Yeah. Yes you are.

Did you want something? No. I was just... My daddy is a serif. Yeah. I was at your house for dinner. I saw you. We're... we're Bigfoot. Yeah, I saw that too. Okay.

And we're back. When we left off, there were trees. Now more trees. A whole bunch of trees. That's it. And now, after some trees, now more trees. A whole bunch of trees, that's it. And now, after some trees, Max is going to go spy on the sheriff and the sheriff's family at their house. Also, the music is pretty sure that we're entering the enemy base at a Nintendo 64 game at this point. And I was very shocked.

Max can actually sneak. He sneaks this entire time along a fence able to crouch walk I don't know if maybe he just had a bad back that day or not I literally wrote in my notes They told this actor to sneak and he was like Doc says sneakings bad from the back best I can do is kind of lean forward He actually hides behind a tree first I think they're just like into that. Just as I.

I was thinking though, you know, if you're going to have the Mission Impossible theme going and he's going to sneak up, don't just like have him roll up in a, in a plain white sedan and just slowly park right in their fucking driveway. Right in their driveway. With his flashers on. He like accidentally honks the horn as he's getting out fucking amazing He can't get the alarm to go off Ah god you got to unlock it from the inside why would that be what turns the alarm?

I pop the trunk again mother turn it off turn on the car that'll stop it Triple-a comes to tow it away Turn on the car. That'll stop it. Triple A comes to tow it away. He gets his coat, part of his coat, stuck in the door and he can't actually get it out. He has to take his coat off and it just hangs there limply on the door. Yeah, but it's all fine because the Bigfoot family can't see or hear any of that at the moment. No. And he sees them all walking out into the backyard and then into the woods.

And then the moment they pass the first, like the first tree that counts as where the woods begins. Yeah. They morph into big feet as they pass that threshold. They turn into big foot. By which I mean they walk into a thing, cut, and then everyone in their big foot suits walks out. No, no, no, no, no, no. Eli, I want to correct you. It is, there is only one person who's in their bigfoot suits walks out. No, no, no, no, no. Eli, I want to correct you. It is, there is only one person who's in a bigfoot suit.

I think it's the mom, and she is standing behind the tree. So when they stand behind the tree, she runs out, and then they cut to the next person, and she's standing behind the tree, because it's the same suit the four times it comes out. Sure is, yeah. And then I have to point this out. It's just a sound cue thing, right? So there's this weird like hissing sound as he runs back to his car But it does sound like he's pissing himself the entire way back to the car, right? Oh when Max is running

Yeah, yeah, was that just me? No, I got that too I heard that too or maybe they're just peeing in the woods after they bigfoot morphed Yeah, and then bigfoot's all to have a little murk Maybe you gotta go and then we get one quick shot of one Bigfoot, I must assume Dad Bigfoot, looking back kind of angrily being like, Hey, do we know anyone with a white sedan? Who's doing that? There's a guy with three coat sleeves somehow stuck into the door of a white sedan outside our house.

It's probably not there. You guys recognize that alarm that's going off? So now we cut back to his hotel's kitchen table. Yes, it is a hotel. And again, this is the whole purpose of this shot. He goes, I think I know your secret now, Sheriff. And I wrote in my notes, I think? Like you're not sure what his secret is?

Why is he looking at a map? He literally just saw them turn into big feets. Like what the fuck? Why is he looking at a map? He literally just saw them turn into big feets like what the fuck why is he staring at it? And then he's playing tic-tac-toe with himself on this map and then the greatest again point in the self-aware column He turns and takes his camera Over the fucking map and it clearly has the lens cap still on. Oh my god, it's so funny. And then it's like fucking Eros or whatever, like right over the top. And then he turns to the camera and he's like,

now I know your secrets, Wright family. And then he touches the side of his mouth and then he walks off scene. The guy who knows your secret, it's take the lens cap off. Lens cap the lens cap off. Lens cap, lens cap. Now all the right girls were promised they would get their own walking scene. So now it's time for daughter number two to get her scene. She walks up to his door and knocks.

Hold on, hold on. Before we talk about the walk for a second here. Please let's talk about the walk. Yeah, by all means. Point in the self-aware section, she is walking like a big foot. She is walking like a bigfoot. She is walking like a Bigfoot. This is stage direction. This is stage direction.

I think this is accidental brilliance. This might be accidental great acting. Thank you. Maybe the rights just happen to walk like Bigfeet. All right, I'll give you a point, Eli. Accidental brilliance. I'll give you one point. All of it's accidental brilliance.

No, it's not. It's not all accidental. Some of it's accidental. No it's not, it's not all accidental. Some of it's planned. You can't take this from me. I know when they're faking it. Thanks killing sons of bitches winking at the camera. Oh we're so postmodern and ironic. No.

The Wright family mean it. They love Jesus and they love Bigfoot. And they make very serious movies about both of them. I think they're very happy people who are pumped at the end of these movies. They're like, we crushed that. You did it again, Ashley. You did it. And they have wild passionate sex to congratulate each other for the wonderful work they've done. Meanwhile, I'm sitting in my basement just waiting like, I can get nothing.

I have to take nine pills so I don't kill myself. I guess what I'm saying is no matter what the rights are winning everybody. It's a lot of winning going on. Noah is cutting this part of the show so you'll never hear it at home. But just so you know. We gotta come on a little softer with Max and the threesome next time babe. But other than that I think we've been crushing it this whole time. We did end up in a fucking impoundment. But yeah, she comes to the door and she's like,

hi, I'm the sheriff's daughter. Come on a picnic into the middle of the woods with us. And he says, yes. He knows they're big foots. No, he says no. And then she says, father said you would not refuse a summons or something like that is what she says. So he initially is like, nah, I says no. And then she says, father said you would not refuse a summons or something like that is what she says. So he initially is like, nah, I'm busy.

I got a food in the oven. I'm very busy today. And then she's like, father said you would not refuse a summons and he's like, fine. Father's creeping me out all the time. That is Bigfoot rules is you can't turn down a big foot. Food honor code, just to remind you. You have to.

Dude, it's like vampires. That delivers a lie at the end of this. Okay, this is, this is a point in my fucking collar. No, it's not. It's a point in my favor. Because this is where this girl was like, you know what? I can fucking act. Mom and dad said to be creepy, but I'm going to really play this act. And so she goes, mom has made fried chicken and it's scrrraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraaarraarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Where exactly yeah? Okay, I can see how this is kind of an impasse because we're both like no it's genius and then no it is genius

No, I'm saying it's genius This is confusing look right daughters when I escape the cult that is your parents and become listeners to our podcast because that's a pretty Straight fucking pipeline let me tell you Please write in and let us know if you acted in this movie ironically or under duress. There's no way nobody does that. No one does that and thinks that that's the way to do it without thinking that I'm gonna be funny and it's ironic. I feel like she won a bet with like the other sisters that like I bet I could do a jump and be like scrumptious and they'll keep it and like she won a bet.

I want nothing more than a Skrillex remix of her doing the scrumptious and they'll keep it and like she want to bet I want nothing more than a Skrillex remix of her doing the scrumptious and like I want nothing more than that Tyler we have a listener Who's a sound editor who does this occasionally? I think when he's bored or in jail or whatever But he's the one who made the supercut of Kara Santa Maria losing hope in all humanity in her intro to Tyler We need the Skrillex reboot of the scrumptious fried chicken. We'll get the rights. We will buy the rights to this movie for three and a half dollars so that you can make that super cut. One other thing

I have to point out is she says the picnic will be at noon and the reason why I point that out is because the transition workshop we're going to get to noon that day is of the moon at night. I thought we were meeting at moon. You're not wrong. Isn't that what we said? You're not wrong. So now we sit around, we watch the rights eat fried chicken for a while.

I had a moment where I realized that getting fried chicken was part of the bribe for these kids to do the movie. And it made me sad in my bones. It made me so... Because I just realized the moment where she... And they were like, can we get fried chicken if we do a movie? And she was like, we can get fried chicken. They were like, yes.

And I am... My depression is however many degrees worse for the rest of my life Yeah, like it would have got me Smiling kids are having a good day. Most of their day is just their dad being like and hey That's done said on to guard off Today they got to be outside and eat fried chicken and I don't know that I can exist in a world where that's true. I was so bored at this point, I started resorting to dinner party questions. I was like, so, how many owls would you need to see before you thought something was wrong?

I think it's six for me. Interesting. Like five owls, it's like a family of owls or something. But six owl, you're like, no. What's going on. What's going on here? Is that all humming Mission Impossible? How is that?

What? Only one of his eyes is behind the tree. That's weird. Side note, while we're on it, and because I can't emphasize this enough, and that show doesn't have as many listeners, do you know what Tom's answer to how many owls he would need to see before he thought something was wrong was? It's either one or like...

It was one! Yeah, okay. Of course, he's afraid of birds. Tom was like, OWL! Tom hates birds! Tom literally is terrified of birds. He does hate birds. He would not want... one owl is alarming to him.

Tom is scared of birds? The entire... All birds. Doesn't matter. The concept of that type of animal? The bird, it doesn't matter concept of that type of animal the bird it doesn't matter means the bird It doesn't it can be any bird. It can be a you know a hummingbird. He's afraid of it. Okay. Have you used this? Badly no not yet. I would I obviously they don't do pranks like we do are we gonna use this absolutely

Like nice people who are real friends just don't do that. Yes, but we're but we're now here Speaking of birds, let me talk about this for a second. They're eating this chicken. Keith's right, looks like it's breaded nicely. It looks like it's got a lot of crunch. The guy's, you know, gnawing on a leg. The mom obviously opted for boneless wings. There's a whole different group of chicken.

I was mad about the boneless one that she had because like they showed a bunch of like the real ones and then they had yeah Everybody else had a bone and she didn't but here's here's what I want to say Can I say what that these people are eating a fucking chicken dinner with no sides? It's just chicken. They're raw dogging a chicken meal and that's it. There's nothing else It's not like oh we got some mac and cheese or we have some mashed potatoes with some gravy or some coleslaw. No. It's literally everyone only has one. You were allotted one piece. This is why I would be depressed. You're all allotted one piece of chicken and then this is what we shoot for the scene and then

that's it. They were definitely at B-dubs and it was like, okay you get two sides. And they were like, okay cool, mashed potatoes and mashed potatoes Can we just but no mashed potatoes sub a bunch more chicken? It's like a really big up charge Fine okay, yes, I'm gonna have to get the manager card It's like when you ask for more meat But you don't want double meat at Chipotle and the person has to be like are you okay? And you have to be like please let me cheat

I haven't had a lot of wins and the right family might be comedy geniuses And I'm just basking in the reflection of their light like the moon to their son, please just put more meat in my burrito bowl Okay, I will say one exception to this thing. They did learn the word chanterelle mushroom. Yeah, that day. And they're going to go. You mean Shaw-terelle? Shaw-terelle? Shaw-terelle?

Yep. Whatever. It's like they're trying to pronounce my last name. Cecil. They're like, Cecil Shawnterelle's. Your beautiful wife at gunpoint. You have to teach every member of the Wright family to say Chanterelle within 24 hours. Impossible.

Goodbye Sarah. She's no fucking Chant. She's not going to make it. I'll miss you. I'll plant Chanterelles on your grave. It's Sean. Also, we get a great call forward here that never pays off. He goes, yeah, make sure you don't accidentally get poison mushrooms.

That would be terrible. He stares at Max and he doesn't break eye contact. But then that never happens. Nothing happens. This is Chekhov's mushroom I like the idea of entire chicken lunch and then like okay go forage for sides. I guess don't Also they have this fucking amazing moment right because he has the bone in wings and he's supposed to eat it with the bones Because he's a bigfoot, but we just watch him bite into a bone piece of chicken

He's like no Looks like you're feeding a pill to a dog I can't go in or out with it. Please cut the camera after me. Get the plunger. There's like half a loud hawk sound. It's amazing. That's why the sheriff talks the way he did from the beginning of the movie. He was originally in the chicken scene.

He lost the soft palate to it. There's also a scene too because they're doing this weird force perspective thing where they're on their knees filming up and it looks like the sheriff is like 17 feet tall. The guy is like four feet tall. Because they're actually, again, I feel like this is a point in the self-aware column. They knew if I do a like if I lean down it'll look a lot shorter. I think this is I'm gonna go with that. Right. If I shoot this like a gonzo porn maybe everyone will understand. Oh and this is where Max like accuses him sort of.

He accuses the sheriff of maybe being Bigfoot without saying it. Yeah. He's like, I googled you and I didn't find anything. I didn't find any like... Yeah, but the sheriff says, I know who you are now, too, because I found your book and he throws the book. This is the worst book in the book. Can we all agree this is the worst book in the movie?

The print shop cover folded around it. But it's got a giant, like, inch and a half white margin around it. It is quite literally just an 8x11 piece of paper taped to the side of a book. Honey, what does a book look like? I've only seen the Bible. Is it a Bible? Oh God. And then it's just taped around the outside.

It's awesome. But yeah, he says, if you're not Bigfoot, why don't you have a Facebook? And the sheriff replies, I think you'll find you're no longer welcome at your hotel. That was weird. Yeah. So the Bigfoot family either also owns his hotel without him knowing about it or they've got an in with the owner Like he he had to call that owner at the hotel that has a kitchen table and is like hey man Another person found out I'm Bigfoot. Will you kick him out?

Something like that. Yeah, cuz sure enough now he heads back to his room and the hotel has kicked all of his stuff to the front door Yeah, but apparently Apparently Bigfoot sheriff was like yeah kick him out But like be respectful with his stuff and put it in like a nice organized Nicely pack his things back into his suit fold up his his is uh, you know This bags and everything the roll up the sleeping, put it nice. There you go. There you go. Consider that a threat, but no.

So he he's like, Oh no, sheriff, we're not done yet. So he calls the sheriff and says, look, I'd like to apologize to you and your family, meet me at the cafe tonight. And the sheriff replies, I don't want to. But I have to accept food. I have to accept free food. So I'll see you there. Bigfoot code. Here's my theory. My theory is the rights actually have this rule and are trying to normalize it through their movies.

So if they ever find out about us and are like, fuck you Jew boy, making fun of our movie, be like I invite you to dinner in Alaska and they're gonna be like fuck you got us Ashley! I invite you to dinner on this X of tape under whatever we got a remortgage the house to meet him in Alaska. Fuck. So that night we cut to Max sneaking into the Bigfoot's house. They missed an opportunity to do the dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Definitely, definitely missed it. They missed it. Because again, his doctor said he can't sneak, so he had to give him the note and then crawl hunchback

throughout the entire scene. Right, so Bigfoot's at the diner seeing that that was a fake out, and he's bought himself time to now spy on the house Right max has right that that's the plan But when we see Bigfoot at the diner when we see Bigfoot sheriff at the diner right he turns to camera to us like Kevin space fourth wall house of cards yep and says You might think that but I got a surprise for you. So now he's talking to us?

It's a fourth wall knock. It's a fourth wall knock? Yeah, absolutely. He's leaning over the fourth wall. This is again, a point in the self-aware column. Oh, I think the family was in the car with him for real to go to the diner and the diner was actually closed in real life and they were like, fuck.

But he like delivered a line here too that they use Fine we'll go to BD. There you go. That's possible, too So yeah, Max sneaks around the house. He finds a coffin with the sheriff's old clothes from 20 years ago Why does he go straight to the mantle though first? He spends a lot of time on the mantle does and on a like a glass display case He opens up a certain way. You're like, oh, yeah, that's where they hide their big play in the bowling league. I don't know that feels Not with normal sized feet you wouldn't Yeah, finds the coffin sheriff's old clothes from 20 years ago. How do you know that the show get they're both the sheriff

How do you know they're old clothes? Maybe it's just dirty clothes he has. That's true. Could just be old dirty clothes. It's very possible. They're labeled sheriff. They're both the sheriff. Just the word sheriff. Yeah. But he also finds an ancient... Bible?

Bible in English. This is the longest I've ever had to wait for a biblical payoff in a gammo. Yeah, it's pretty good. Stravinsky never really outwardly mentioned it, but you could tell sort of from the story itself it was, but this was a hundred percent the longest I've waited. Cause I was like, I thought these people were like, Jesus nuts. When is the Bible stuff going to come in? It's like, ah, here it is.

Here it is. Here it is. They can't get through the whole movie without it. Yeah. So he reads a little bit of the Bible, he reads a little bit of Genesis, but then there's a noise. What happened now? I couldn't see.

So now I mean, I actually could not see the movie. It's entirely fucking dark. Yeah. For the next like eight minutes of the movie, it's entirely dark. He runs around, nothing happens. The only reason I'm going to point this scene out is he's running and there's a gorilla suit in the dark and then the flashlight falls over just as he fell over because I watched this on Amazon freebie Where they like give you the movie for free?

Yeah, it comes with ads right as he fell over and got tackled by Bigfoot. I got a freebie Hey girls, are you trying to do your laundry with regular wash? I laughed for a while and how he decides How he decides to actually hide from the Bigfoot is he does the old duck and cover from like when you were a kid and you Had to go hide under your desk for a tornado or whatever. He's like, yep He's he leans forward and he covers his head and that's when they cut to the tide commercial for me, too So now that he's asleep forward and he covers his head and that's when they cut to the Tide commercial for me too. So now that he's asleep, he's going to dream that same flashback he had earlier in the

movie again, where he sees the Sasquatches and the ire of Sauron. They do white there. But they've added to it this time. Apparently the Bigfoot caught him and held a big rock up to kill him, but then didn't. It's so huge. It's so funny Bounces it goes like something that is entirely made of styrofoam Sounds like something that is entirely made of styrofoam. So funny. Right. So he wakes up from that memory and we hear the sheriff reading some Genesis, right?

And this is where it is revealed that the rights, or the people who made this movie, think that Bigfoot is the giants mentioned in Genesis. Okay. That's what they really think, right? Like that's what the movie is saying. That's what they really think, yes. Okay, because it's Genesis 6, and there's the talk of like the sons of the giant God people had sex with some humans. And they think the children of that happening is big feet.

And that's still a thing in the way. To be clear, the very next thing in the Bible is the flood that kills everything. So they think there were two big feet on the ark and they just forgot to mention that? Oh, we're just janitors. Okay, well I guess they're. They're really good at dog paddling for 40 days.

They're just sitting on the outside. Is that the godliest thing is big feet? That's like, it's like a demigod race. Why would it be that? Is that the... Half god? Well, you know, they only got the feet from their parents. That's all they got.

There were giants in those days, but it was really mostly foot-based. Okay. I will concede a point to Eli on that one. Thank you. All right. Yeah. It takes a hard right into the right family here. It really does.

It really does. It's like, no. Yeah. So now we cut to one year later, we see another piece of paper taped onto a book. This is the secrets of Big Bigfoot Revealed. With the big white margins again. Like just make the image bigger or get a smaller prop book to tape it over. Either way, just you can do so many ways. You can line it up. You can definitely line it up. And listen to this podcast listener because you think you're going to think I'm making a joke,

but I am not. We are now going to watch the Bigfoots have a family meeting. We are now going to watch the Bigfoots have a family meeting They're sitting around the table and he's like well daddy blew it Like I wrote a book about how we're all Bigfoots and we are Bigfoots so You guys want to go to the woods? No Stephanie. You can't bring your iPad to the woods. We'll turn into Big Feet. We have to leave. Right. We have to leave the stuff. So they're like, just gonna leave this house and become like, we stay as Big Feet and live in the woods now? That's the plan? That's the plan. Well, they're gonna bide their time until they can re-enter society and... Because they're giants that live for 120 years or whatever.

Yeah. Okay, so the movie is pro pro big feet because it's in the Bible They're an oppressed people yeah, not only are they pro big feet, but there's a this whole scene is The is the guy saying fucking should have fucking choked a fucking life Fucking head off and shit down is now And I'm supposed to be like, oh no, that's the hero of the film. That's the hero of the film. You get it. You get it, Bigfoot. He literally says, he's like, I'll kill the next one.

I fucked up hardcore. That's on me. But daddy will kill the next one. I promise. Daddy will kill the next one. Chicken's on me this week because I let the guy get away and name us Bigfoot. And then for the outro of the movie, we get a news story being like, the home has been abandoned because that book said that they're Bigfoots.

Are they Bigfoots? I mean, probably they left when someone accused them of being Bigfoots. I feel like that's comedic genius. That's a point in my column. Okay. And it ends with like the news saying all the locals are cutting down all the trees of the woods and being like, Bigfoot, Bigfoot family, you there? Bigfoot. Like they, that, why would they do that though? But that's the end. That's seriously the end of the movie.

Burning guys just standing there as like fucking climate change fuckers. Pissed off. Okay. Seriously, they're done. Final question. How'd the tally go? Is this movie self-aware? 13 to four, it's self-aware. Oh, come on! Yeah!

We lost it? Tim, put that picture with the poll in the Patreon. That would have to be worth more points than one. Gotta redeem myself, thank you. That picture's worth- No, it's more points on our side, not yours. No, we're saying it's genius. Yes. Shit. Impass. Okay. This is like Schradinger's satire. Yeah. So... Schradinger? That's gonna... Yeah. The cat. Okay, it's Schradinger. It's whatever. It's German. You pronounce a little it's German It's like chanterelles. Oh, okay fucking mozzarella over here. I'm sorry

I didn't realize Anthony Bourdain had stepped under the podcast for the outro guacamole. Yeah, you know fast, okay That's gonna wrap it up for Bigfoot grip of the monster That's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we found another terrible movie for next week. Eli, what's on deck? Who-mania! 30 minutes of body horror that might just scar Heathenright forever. That's terrifying. It did. We recorded it already.

He's not okay. Today's the 31st. Is that help? No, this is a regular one. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 459 to a merciful close. Huge thanks to Cecil, as always, for joining us. Cecil, you got any cool podcast stuff going on? Anything to announce?

I'm doing Lawful Assembly now, so you can check out lawfulpod.com. It's a law show that I do with a fellow that I met. I'm known for 20 years, his name's Craig, and we're doing a podcast coming out every week. So check it out if you get a chance. Hell yeah. And of course, a big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity. If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com

slash Godawful. That'll get you early access to an ad free version of every episode. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Skating Atheist, The Skepocrat, D&D Minus, and Citation Needed. Available in all the podcast places. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email godawfulmoviesatgmail.com. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Sladek of The New Drafts on Mars, while other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was

used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Cecil and Eli, I'm Heath. Promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll do the Animal House clothes. Papa Bigfoot went on to puke up that chicken bone behind the couch. The Bigfoots went on to make movies about themselves that nobody ever watched until one fateful day on Godawful Movies. Okay, this one's real. The Wright family made a movie about the Civil War. Yeah, they did. Yep.

I'll be offended if I'm not invited. Saving that for the Antietam live show coming up soon. I Would never have half a donut that's so stop it. Yeah, of course We're one of those awful companies that cuts the doughnuts One and a half and throwing the rest in the garbage while I stare at you I always if I see anybody with a fucking half a donut, I check them into whatever's closest. I just try to hit them into whatever. You would have to. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like a bystander effect, thank you. There should be good Samaritan law. I like that. Everything we all would do naturally was worse than stabbing with a sword brush. We were all like, we, no, but like in real life I would do something worse for real. I would like slide tackle my soccer. Clean cut you go fast. That's nice. You don't deserve to escape into the veil. But because he's tripping, sorry one second.

But because he's tripping sorry one second but because he's tripping I didn't even do the bit! Just give him a second. It made me laugh so hard. He'll cry himself to sleep. Now I want to know what the bit was. It was just me being like, Hey fuck! I guess I'll just go fuck myself and not be blessed, assholes! I guess I'll just go fuck myself and not be blessed, assholes! I guess I'll just go fuck myself and not be blessed, assholes! I guess I'll just go fuck myself and not be blessed, assholes!

I guess I'll just go fuck myself and not be blessed, assholes! I guess I'll just go fuck myself and not be blessed, assholes! I guess I'll just go fuck myself and not, Hey, fuck you! Bless you! You! Fuck. I guess I'll just go fuck myself and not be blessed, assholes. Now I've got demons in me. Godless pieces of shit. Okay. I can do this. I can do this damnit.

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