God Awful Movies - 468: The Oath

Episode Date: August 6, 2024

This week, Dan Beecher from Data Over Dogma joins us live in Salt Lake City for an atheist review of The Oath, the story of Mormons trying to do gritty history with neither grit nor history. Hear more from Dan on Thank God I’m Atheist and Data Over Dogma If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/

Alright, I take that back, audience at home, you just missed a fetal, wacky, Wallwalker joke. You should have come to the live show. That's the name of my Rush cover band, we're playing at the Y this Thursday. I think that's a uterine wall walker. I think the point here that we're all trying to make is that this is a very touching, tender moment. Oh my God! Godawful movies! Movies. Movies. Movies. ["The Last Supper"]

Welcome to Got Off of Movies, live from Salt Lake City! ["The Last Supper"] ["The Last Supper"] ["The Last Supper"] ["The Last Supper"] ["The Last Supper"] ["The Last Supper"] ["The Last Supper"]

There's a loud, boing, oh, yeah! ["The Last Supper"] ["The Last Supper"] Love and mass theater, oh, thank you. Thank you, you are too kind. This is of course the podcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema because it is literally the easiest thing to make fun of in all of existence. I'm your host, No Illusions, and joining us from behind you is my good friend Heath Enright. Give it up for Heath! ["Heath"]

["Heath"] ["Heath"] ["Heath"] ["Heath"] ["Heath"] ["Heath"] ["Heath"] ["Heath"]

["Heath"] ["Heath"] ["Heath"] ["Heath"] ["Heath"] ["Heath"] ["Heath"] ["Heath"]

["Heath"] ["Heath"] ["Heath"] ["Heath"] ["Heath"] ["Heath"] Now, I want to point out that this venue had a rule against bringing alcohol on stage. That's water, okay? If anybody asks, it's water.

And also joining us today, we are excited to welcome a special guest from all the way here. He's from here. But he has been a friend and a colleague for over a decade. He's the co-host of Data Over Dogma, and thank God I'm atheist. Please welcome to the stage, Dan Beecher! You guys have no idea who I am, but it's fine. And of course, also joining us tonight, please give it up one more time for my bad friend,

Eli Bosnik. BOSNIC! Eli? I would I would like to tell the audience what you're dressed as but but I don't know that I know. What is, what do you got going on there? So, as you may remember, last time we were here, we settled into our last venue, and then we told them, hey, Eli takes off his clothes, and it's super funny. And they were like, you are in Utah? They will burn our building to the ground. Similarly, when the folks at UMOCA were like,

yeah, you could come do your atheist podcast, two fucking steps from the temple. They were like, hey, your fat guy doesn't get his ass out, does he? And we were like, ah, shit. See, I feel like we're on a fight, like when you cheated at a casino in Vegas. Exactly.

We're just on a list now. I got a picture of my ID. As soon as you come in. So this is your, this is Space Jesus? Okay. Take it off! I love that this whole room erupted and the entire country is going what the fuck is space Jesus yeah we should probably explain at the Mormon temple

until very recently there was a statue of Jesus oh got the dad by it was a statue of Jesus with a big space backdrop behind it and I think it was only there because they could root out the non-Mormons by who laughed when they walked into that chamber. Right? It's the gayest statue. I love it so much. It's so sexy. And I love that the Mormons don't defend it by being like, it's not gay!

They're like, the Italians had it first! And I'm like, you're not helping yourself, just so you know. All right, so tell us,, what would be breaking down today? We watched the oath. Yeah. Okay. So some people saw it already.

Clearly. Okay. Some hands went up. It's the story just aren't fans of oaths. Promises. No promises. So it's the story of Moroni who smelted a golden three ring binder. He sure did. Yes he did.

Using his homemade pizza oven inside a cave. I thought he'd need bell holes or something. And etched the history of the Nephites into the plates in a script that's called Reformed Egyptian. That's a language that's been kept a secret from everybody who's ever studied history or languages or Egypt or anything like that. That's fun. Also, Moroni got persecuted by the...

By whom? By the evil, Lamanite Native Americans. And that's the better version. That's what they've settled on in the year of our Lord 2024. They're like, no, no, no. No, no, no. They're Native American. You have to take this in the context of its time.

This came out in 2023. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fair enough. And it's written by a white guy from Utah and his wife. Yes. It's Deseret Khan, the movie. Ha! Yeah.

Well done, sir. Well done. And Eli. That's what I'm calling Mormonism from now on. Just Deseret Khan. Yeah, I like it. I like it. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you desperately raced through the end of the Book of Mormon,

where Joe can barely contain its thinly veiled whining about his own oppression, but you wish it had the sexual politics of your high school prom, you will love this movie. And I do. Yeah. So, Dan, I fear that Eli's already sort of stepped on the answer to this one, but my question for you is how Mormon was this movie? Well, Brother Lusions. Oh, shit, he's going to cry.

Don't get ahead of me, Eli. I'd like to bear my testimony that I know... Oh no, no, no! This movie is Mormon. Look, this movie defies all known archaeological, anthropological, linguistic, and genetic data we have about the Americas in favor of scribblings of an uneducated upstate New York con man. We got steel swords and armor. We got badly written anachronistic pseudo fancy English. We got white hero, we got a white hero trying to convert a brown savage to Mormonism. We've got hours of the most tedious boredom known to mankind.

It might be the perfect Mormon movie. It really is. Woo! If this movie was in an overstarched white shirt and a fucking tie, it couldn't be more Mormon. Oh my God. If it came out of the screen like the ring and started to proselytize to us. It couldn't be more Mormon. If we kicked this movie out of our house for being gay,

it would not be... Damn. What? What? So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to go with best, worst, bigot history. Speaking of the retcon, we get a Mormon movie maker's

portrayal of Native American people, the Blackfoot tribe, I think is what they're going for. And yeah, it's, yes, that is the correct. That's an appropriate noise for me. That's been an hour and 55 minutes. For falling off a bicycle hands first and watching this movie. That's it.

Yeah. But they, somehow they were like, we need to sneak in a little bit of anti-Semitism. Yep. Or two. The main bad guy. Wake Billy Zane. The main bad guy played by Billy Zane

is a Native American, Lamanite, Rabbi King? Yes, that is correct. That's correct. Yep, yep. Okay. Yeah, I'm gonna go with the best worst rock tantrum. Ha ha! Ha ha! I, you guys, at one point in this film,

our main character briefly loses his love and trust. Spoilers. Alright, alright. And has the most amazing acting moment perhaps I've ever seen. He is running around in a circle, flailing his arms, and he keeps picking up rocks and half-heartedly just throwing them left and right.

Yeah, yeah. I didn't want her to go away. It's like he went to an acting workshop at his kid's preschool. George Bush Sr. was watching from the sidelines like, bad throw brother. So I wrote my best worst before I watched the fucking movie. I have best worst preview for a movie we didn't watch. Right, because I watched the preview and I'm like,

wow, this is an action packed film. It looks like they're advertising that new Predator movie, right, with it was in ancient America. And I watched it and I'm like, there's no fucking way that's the movie we're about to watch. Best worst bullshit preview. And my friends, I'm not going to spoil it. I'm just going to say best one hour, 10 minutes,

and 43 seconds into the movie. You're not ready, y'all. Nope. Nope. Alright, well some of y'all came a long way for this, including myself, so we're going to keep the break brief and then when we come back we'll dive into all the laughably ahistorical nonsense that is... The Oath. They make the experience like 8 million times better, I'm telling you.

I don't know B-Man, can I afford it? Hi Norman, you kidding me? Come on. Hey guys, whatcha doing? And why is Bartholomew the Hellmouse from DND- here? Oh, he helps me with my budgeting, you know, keeps track of my finances. Plus, now people know about the Hellmouse, maybe they'll come check out the show. What are you angling for a bigger cut?

I'm just saying there's a lot of fun this season. Stop, stop, whatever you're doing. Look, Eli, if you want help managing your expenses and budget, you should check out Rocket Money. What's Rocket Money? Seriously? Put it on the board, man. Fine, fine, whatever, moving on. You should check out Rocket Money. What's Rocket Money? Seriously? Put it on the board, man. Fine.

Whatever. Moving on. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so that you can grow your savings. With Rocket Money, I have full control over my subscriptions and a clear view of my expenses. I love how the dashboard shows me this month's spending compared to last

months so I can clearly see my spending habits. Plus they'll help me create a custom budget and keep my spending on track. Wow, that sounds great. Rocket Money will even try to negotiate lower bills for you by up to 20 percent. All you have to do is submit a picture of your bill and Rocket Money will take care of the rest. They'll deal with customer service for you. I don't know, Noah. Has anyone actually tried this thing? Rocket Money has over five million users, Eli, and they've saved a total of

five hundred million dollars in cancelled subscriptions saving members up to $740 a year when using all the apps features. Alright Noah, I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. That's rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. Rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. And check out D&D minus wherever you get your power cash. What's your deal man? RocketMoney.com slash Awful Movies. RocketMoney.com slash Awful Movies. And check out D&D Minus wherever you get your power cash. What's your deal, man?

What, I'm just selling. Well, stop saying. Actual character. What? Nothing. Guys, guys, I've got amazing news. The pet store down the street. Wait, stop guessing.

Every time I come in here with good news, you have to guess something that makes me sad. So just say what, okay, Chris? Just what? Fine, Wait, what? Stop guessing. Every time I come in here with good news, you have to guess something that makes me sad. So just say what, okay? Chris, just what? Fine. Fine. What? We got to prove to make our gritty historical Mormon history film. Amazing! The life of Joseph Smith without all the fluff and feathers. No, no, even better. This one is about the Nephites and the Lamanites. Sorry, we're making a gritty, realistic historical drama about the Nephites and the Lamanites? Yeah, yeah, we're not pulling any punches.

I want people to really confront the reality of the history, you know? Keep saying reality. Right. It just seems like we might want to keep our representation of the Nephites and the Lamanites kind of vague, right? Nope. Nope. Down to the letter history, the way the history was.

Right? It's just that the Nephites and the Lamanites aren't... history. What? No, of course they are. No, no. Like, most of the stuff is impossible, but even if it was possible, we don't have any evidence. Right.

Real or imagined evidence. It's just in the books. That's it. Oh. Well, then how are we going to make it gritty? We could smudge the actor's faces with dirt? Well, yeah, because that's basically the same thing. Nice.

Awesome. So are you allowed back in the pet store? No, and more hamsters are going to end up going to hell because of it. It's sad. It is sad. And we're back! Woo!

Well, at least we have managed to give you the illusion of backness at home anyway. So we're going to start this movie off with a shot of the American coastline. And I was so pissed that like a little wooden periscope didn't pop up out of the water at this point. Right? We've been so fucking good. The tide is a dish down here.

The little dish pops up. Yeah. Fuck, it's not tight anymore. The water's been ready. Oh my God. Okay, hunt for red October has whole new meanings. So but no, we get this narration about the ancient... That's what I call period sex.

This is what... Yeah. Yeah. He usually edits those. Yep. You're seeing the behind the scenes shit now. You're stuck with it. Yep. I mean, you guys are.

People at home are. No, no. So you're like, wow, it just cuts all the laughter. It cuts out all at once. It's weird. So weird. The audience just all stops at the same time. So yeah, so we get this narration

about the ancient grudge between the Nephites and the Lamanites. It starts out, it goes, legend tells of a, and I'm like, legend, really? You guys are going to admit that right right up front huh? All right. Can I just say that the I pushed pause literally seconds into the opening voiceover because you could instantly hear the toxic masculinity. It was just one of those voiceovers where the you know do Broads always think that they need

their voices like low and gravelly and Vin Diesel-y as possible. Right. The problem is when you're a Mormon you don't do the required smoking to get to that point. So you just sound like you're doing a Kathleen Turner impression or something. Just munching candy cigarettes in the booth. Yes. But that guy comes in he's like legend tells of an ancient grudge between Mormons. And I was like, this is going to go so badly because it's like between Mormons and people of color.

Is that what you're about to say? Yes. Because it's between Nephites and Lamanites. That's the story. So yeah, and he tells us that only one Nephite remains, the hunted one. And we cut to that one Nephite, Moroni. And he's running through the woods.

He's wearing fucking armor and carrying a sword, which every, I know it's warm, I know how this works and everything, but every time I see it, I'm like, this fucking sword? Come on. He might as well be wearing camo pants and like... Yes, right, right. Trump 2020 shirt.

So also, they put him in sandals, right? Because he's desert Jew in their head. But he's running through the woods. So you watch this actor, who's very attractive, by the way. I want to talk a lot about it. But you get to watch this actor be like, fuck, you can't do this in sandals, ow! I'm in so much pain, ow!

There's a twig all the way inside my foot. Fucking amazing, yeah, but he's running. There's a twig all the way inside my foot! Oh, fucking amazing. Yes, but he's running. He's the director too, so he's like, he can't cut to himself. It's great. Right, right, the writer and director and the star, yeah. If I was that hot, I would also make a movie about me taking my shirt off. I just don't know I would incorporate my spiritual practice.

Yeah, right, right, I get it. I get it. Like, I don't think I would be like, and then a rabbi somehow. That's not good. Some more visual gags. How do I do this plus a Dan Dennett book? That's what I need to figure out. Eli's doing more visual gags. Listeners at home, I would describe them to you, but no, I won't.

Dan, I believe you had a question I was just gonna say that him running through the forest with that sword was like in his leather gear and everything that was the moment that I went oh this is last of the Mohonkeys I was calling it last of the Momo-heekins. Both work. Yeah. So then, and then we see our Lamanites, and this is the funniest thing about the fucking movie to me, because they've clearly gone to great lengths to try to be respectful to the Blackfoot culture.

Right? They have them in like the- Did they? Kind of. So here, thank you for no-ending my joke, but they've gone out of their way to get the costuming right and to get the face paint right and they're using the actual Blackfoot language, which this is a movie about how they're only Native American because they're so fucking sinful, right?

It's more disrespectful that they actually use the fucking culture. It would be like if the Articles of Zion had really authentic Hebrew in them. Yes, right That's not what we were going for I Appreciate it. There's also this great moment here. It's work. He's running along He's being chased by the by the Lamanites or whatever he jumps and it goes into slow motion and it's the kind of slow motion That you'd normally reserved for a big stunt or a special effect shot It's just a guy jumping high enough that like, you know, if you landed wrong,

that would really hurt your ankle. Yeah. Which is gonna have to be, well, that's what we're gonna settle for for stunt work in this film. So, but then he's running along, and then all of a sudden, the emblem on his chest starts glowing

like the Uruk-Kai are near. Yeah. I thought he was gonna be a Power Ranger for a second. Right! And I was gonna have to come out and apologize and be like, hey everybody I'm sorry this movie fucking rules! I became a Mormon! He kicked the putty patrol in the chest and then they exploded. Is that part of Mormon lore that they have like Spidey sense shing like the... I feel like I would've... The temple varmints can tell when a Lamanite is close or whatever.

Oh, it's like sting? Yeah. Just a black guy walks by you at night, whooooo! So it's like a cop's gun is what we're saying. Oh God! I'm... hey! Oh no! I'm against it!

I'm on the other side. I think that's bad. I wasn't advertising it as a feature. So. So. So his little chest thing glows and I guess that's his signal to turn around and fight. So he turns around, there's six guys, he's got his sword, he's got his armor, and I'm like, oh, I bet we're about to see a really cool big fight sequence with him. And never mind, scene's over. That scene's over, we'll get back to it eventually. An hour and 25 minutes, we'll get back to it. But now it's time to slow things down a little bit. We get our opening title and everything.

We get this nauseous drone shot of a coastline for about eight years. Oh my God. I've got to say, like, the cinematography is largely good in this movie. Sure, yeah. Uh-huh. But this, it's not, I will take issue. It's not a coastline. It's just the water.

Eventually it's a coastline, yeah. Like they started a mileline yeah like for like they started a mile and a half out and they were just filming from one foot above the water for the for 15 minutes it is the quickest I have ever jumped a one and a half speed yeah yeah so yes but then it comes up and it goes some time earlier in the fifth century AD.D. in ancient America. Damn sometime earlier. That's a real way and it's that's hedging your fucking bats. Mormonism is earlier than that other scene. They can say how it like they

could say like a week early you got four hundred and seventy nine seconds. You know whatever you want your stupid fucking but your move, but they're so used to getting caught that they're like I don't know earlier. Yeah right. Right But they're so used to getting caught that they're like, I don't know earlier. Yeah, right. Right. Yeah Somewhere in time and space. Just looking at an unopened history textbook earlier So we get we cut to Moroni he's meditating and he's praying in Hebrew like for just a second We're like, oh did they do the whole like Passion of the Christ do the whole thing in Hebrew in like Native American dialects? No, they didn't they did like nine words of it. Also for those of you who aren't aware that he does a Jew thing in Hebrew in a Native American dialect? No, they didn't. They did like nine words of it. Also, for those of you who aren't aware,

he does a Jew voice in Hebrew. He does. It's just super funny. Because he's like, hello, friend. Welcome to Mara. I'm the last of the Nephites. Right, he's from Salt Lake City. But in this one line, he's like, ah, me, I've,

fucking lighting Hanukkah candles. You guys got to understand, we are plagued by language throughout this entire thing. We're gonna get Hebrew, we're gonna get Blackfoot, we're gonna get like, you know, quasi, again, fancy language, but it is, it is, there is no discernible, like, reason why any of these languages come in or go out. is it is astounding is there a reason? He checks his sundial here. I don't What the fuck was he what's happening in his life? Did you have a boy met right? Yeah, what's he taught that mountain praying at 230? Okay?

Ward meeting at 3 Um you epic sword fight with the Lamanites. You know, get the pure white race going. You've completely forgotten that he has like, he's got to hit the gym like at the right moment. He does. He does. He does not miss leg day. No. No. No. He's got a hustle culture Instagram, but there's no phone there.

He's just like, so I wake up at five every morning. I listen to a book on two times speed while I'm on the treadmill I have to I have to point this fucking scene out this is such a great example of what a low-budget piece of shit we're dealing with here because as he's meditating he's like remembering back to more exciting and interesting moments and there's this one scene where we cut to he was leading an army of of course, he's Moroni, right? So he was leading a great army,

so we cut to his great army, all standing perfectly fucking still. Right, might as well just be one guy with two mirrors on either side of Moroni. And then there's a moment where Moroni lifts his spear, right, we're looking at him from behind, we're looking at his whole army, he lifts his spear. And at exactly the time that you would expect

the rest of the army to lift the spear too, we turn to just look at him oh I see you all lifting your spears as well rabble rabble rabble spear up spear up spear up thank you for doing a backflip on your horse just now that was cool and dope no I don't know if you know this but AI AI-generated still images don't lift spirits. No, they don't. Yeah, as it turns out.

And they definitely didn't have the budget for the AI, like, video. Oh, no. No. So yeah, so then we switch from Hebrew to English because, come on, there's this very art C-shot like this one. He's talking to God when he switches. He's praying and he's like, sorry, God, do you mind if I switch to English? Let's use your favorite language.

You're omniscient, aren't you? You already know what I'm saying here, right? There's also this weird artsy shot of him making grass angels or some shit. I don't know. The director was super proud of this moment though, right? So then, okay, he's walking through the woods. He's being holy, he's being pious.

He's thanking God for all of this stuff, right? Blading the woods, he's being holy, he's being pious, he's thanking God for all of this stuff. Right? Laying in the grass all Jesus style and everything. And then we have to get the very long shot of him working out. It's insane. This is just guy culture, like, injected into, for no good reason.

The man has lost literally everything and everyone he has ever loved, but that's no excuse to skip lats. Yeah, right. Well, so what happened is... I love this scene. I don't know what you fucking guys are talking about. Yeah, right.

So what happened is this actor was like, well, they're going to want to see my giant mantets. And I'm like... Yeah. Yes, we are. I spent the rest of the movie being like, you should probably work out again. Muscle loss happens a lot quicker than you think it does. Don't skip leg day. There's also this great,

but we watched him spearfish. And based on how tiny the little fish he gets is, I have to imagine this is really him spearfishing. Right, so he like probably stood out there with that camera all fucking day and the cameraman's like, man, can we just put a fucking fish on your goddamn spear? His hot, sweaty, fat nephew. Yes. Up to his hips in the water.

Please Uncle Craig, catch a fish. Uncle Craig, I have the asthma. I told you when you said I could do this. You threw my inhaler out, you said it was allergic. Oh, shit. You said I could cure it with ice baths, but I just went into shock. There was a moment where he...

Your phone makes the grinder sound a lot. How do you know what the Grindr stand is? Because I like to fucking party on Grindr. Yo Grindr in this city is fucking lit Salt Lake City. Because you're all still attractive so it's just self-hate the app for a second. It rules. Just match with a bad year. There was a moment where he said blessed be my rock the God of Yosef by the way he's pronounced the way

he pronounced the whole God becomes like oppressive but he said blessed be my rock the God of Yosef ever be exalted thy name and I was like I was having trouble hearing so I put on the subtitles and then I still couldn't understand. Yeah no that's no help no help at all and then we cut to the title card comes up and says some distance away in Lamanite territory. Now I want to point out they've already explained to us that he's the only goddamn Nephite so if we cut somewhere where there's someone that isn't him we're in Lamanite territory, aren't we? If we cut anywhere it is some distance away. It is either here or there. It has to be one of them. Yeah. So and then we cut to Lamanite

territory and they're the fucking orcs in Lord of the Rings, right? They're just tearing down trees to see him die and shit. Looks like trees back on the menu, boy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, and then we cut to his harem. This is where we're going to meet our love interest,

whose name is Bathsheba. Come on. Oh man. When we found out that the name was Bathsheba, I was like, there's, he named a character after the, like, rape victim of the Bible. Yeah, right. There's no way that that's going to come back and be bad in any way. Like, that's not potential for danger.

Well, and I love too, because up until this point, everybody's got, like, a black foot name, and they're all in black, but usually everybody's name is traditionally Native American, except Bathsheba, of course. And this is the scene where we first really encounter the confused language thing. Because the way it works, we've seen the hunt for Red October where they're talking in a bunch of- Yeah, not the one you were talking about.

Calm down. Yeah, the actual one. And then and then and then and then and then and then. Gotta get your iron somehow, am I right, Dan? And then and then and then and then. Y'all have a new appreciation for how hard my fucking job is right now, don't you? Jesus. I hated that. That was the worst. I didn't look at you because I would feel your hatred more.

We came over like a wave. I Wish you would stop So but Bathsheba is complaining about how God must hate her cuz she can't get pregnant and what is the point of being? A woman if you can't get pregnant, right? And so okay. Oh, yeah Hell yeah. It's a fucking JD Vance in here, so what the hell is that? People please do not announce your kinks during the show. I know I set a bad example and so I get...

Sorry, sorry Dan. You were desperately trying to say something about the language in this movie. We don't have time for dance setups, damn it! It's a live show! What I was getting at is that the way that you do it is you start in their language to establish that they're not speaking our language and then like you do some camera thing where you zoom in and then when you zoom back out everybody's in English. For the rest of the fucking movie!

They start in English, they switch to Blackfoot, they go back to English, one character's in English and the other's in Blackfoot, and I'm not making that up. No. They just randomly like, oh you can't say that Blackfoot line that's too hard for your mouth to say, do it in English, it's going to be fine, I don't care. Yep. And also, can I just wait one more point, this is supposedly taking place in the year 400 CE. The first Book of Mormon character supposedly came to the Americas, I think around 600 BCE, which means, linguistically they should be much closer to Hebrew than to modern Blackfoot.

Just putting that up. And this movie is linguistically wrong. Yeah. See? So, okay, there's also a moment here. Totally took me out of the movie. linguistically wrong. Yeah. See? So, okay, there's also a moment here. Totally took me out of the movie. Fell apart right there. Yeah, exactly. There's also a moment here where the concubine

that can't get pregnant gets into a fight with one of the other concubines. I don't really remember why. I think it's her sister. And y'all, if Eli and Heath decided to wrestle right now, we would have the exact same fucking choreography as them. But there is clearly- A lot of sexual tension.

Right, yeah, yeah. No, there is clearly... A lot of sexual tension. Right, yeah. Yeah. No, there is clearly moments where they're going like, no, I got you! You know? It's that fight scene. But then our bad guy comes in. Our bad guy, so again, they're all supposed to be Native American. Most of them are like fucking Mexican and they can't tell the difference in the Mormons.

But the main bad guy is fucking Billy Zane. Billy Zane! Now, if you're making recognize him, he's the bad guy from from Titanic, right? He was the bad boyfriend from Titanic. And the hero of a little film called the Phantom. Oh was he? He comes back again. So he comes in and he gives everybody the like, you know, mom came in and you guys were fighting kind of a look. I wrote my notes he's doing the ancient Lamanite version of when Noah pauses for a real long time to give himself the edit after Heath and I have been on our podcast talking about bread for 11 minutes with no jokes. You guys have seen that look already tonight. Also, can I just say, you know how Native Americans grow big bushy beards? Because, like, he has the fullest, like, beard you've ever seen in your life.

Pretty great. And then, like, one tuft of hair that goes all the way down from the top. And it makes the authentic Native American stuff so weird by comparison. Yes! Because they must have been expertly applying makeup to people's faces while looking at historical documents, and then Billy Zane walked in, stoned off a fucking carpet cleaner,

and was like, I was thinking I'd talk like Al Pacino when I remember to. No, no makeup for me, thanks. I'm allergic. Oh, Billy Zane. I'm pretty sure he was punking them. Yes, yes. Like, he was joking when he did this.

Oh, by the end of the movie when Billy Zane's just obliterated drunk and gives no more fucks. Oh my god. And he actually sounds a lot like, a little bit like you actually when, you know when you're conquering code names and you're like proclaiming things after winning Billy Zane sounds like I'm jealous you do win a lot yeah okay so so so then we cut we cut to Moroni he's asleep in his cave oh sorry we should point out that Billy Zane hits the concubine here that's that's up that's important to the plot he beats her up then we cut over to

Moroni only the Lamanites do anything misogynistic. Right, oh absolutely. Anything in Mormon history. The Nephites don't have anybody left to do it to. Right, no that's true. Right. That's true. Literally at this point there is no misogyny in...

In his cave by himself? Any Nephite. Yeah. The last misogyny-free moments of Mormonism. Yeah, right, right. Captured on film. No, his binders were still filled with gold plates, speaking of which...

Don't worry. Don't worry, though. He'll fix it. Yeah, yeah. No, he will. He will. So, we cut to Moroni. He's asleep in his cave.

He's having nightmares. God tells him to wake up and work on his gold plates some more. Okay, that was fun. God being like, Moroni! Moroni, wake up! It's God from HR. Just checking on the gold plates project. It's been going long. TPS for what covers on our gold plates now.

I also love that, like, metallurgy is, like, way easier than they've ever made it seem to me. Right? Basically all you need to do is chuck some rocks in a thing angrily. By the way this is how you if you need your fire a little hotter throw the logs angrily. Yes. Yeah. Right. Well you're adding more friction. Right. You're like infusing your burning hatred into the thing and then, uh, gold. It's easy.

Yep. So, and of course, as, as, I know we've got a lot of exmos in the audience. How many of you are ex-Mormon? All right, yeah, so probably about half the audience here. So you guys are probably a little more used to the idea that the golden plates are in a fucking trapper keeper than I am. They actually, so they actually show him putting a new plate in and it has the little hook like the fucking trapping.

The clasp thing. Yes, yes. It's the best. I want him to get a finger caught and want him to be like, oh, ow, ow. There's got to be a better way. He actually gets the three hole punch offline. Yes. And he has to like shove a gold plate into a trapper cube.

He's got those little stickers so that they don't break on the thing. So good. In the front of the gold plates he's just got a piece of paper with all his best friend's names on it. But it's just him because he's the only one who's not dead. Moroni. Also can Ioni. That rock I found. The volleyball with my blood face on it. And he's scratching words into these golden plates. Can I just say, for any of you who have tried to read this awful book, you would think that when your medium requires that much work to like smelt something and melt it down and create a plate and scratch stuff in it.

You would think an economy of words. You sure wouldn't get Alma. Would it be useful? No, no. You did not go for that. So that wraps up and then we cut to him shirtlessly appreciating God. Hell yeah. Every time I got to jerk off to this Hell yeah. Again. I'm not complaining.

Every time I got to jerk off to this movie, I was like, I'm getting them. Because there are two things that I promise you about the maker of this movie. He's listening to this podcast and he said I jerked off to him. And there's nothing he can do about that. There's no amount of ice baths or omega brain pills he can take that will stop me from being

like, hey, I'm your Mahatma Kai now. I have a feeling the listeners at home can guess what the gesticulation was there. So we're moving on. Was the hunt for white October? So, okay, so but he's shirtlessly walking around appreciating God's creation when he hears a woman crying out from the woods. Okay, I'll be honest, I'm starting to get that bear thing. Right?

Like, I'd rather meet a bear in the woods than Moroni, who thinks he is the last white man on Earth. Yeah. It's not great. And she, I was like, did she die? Cause she runs crying in, falls to the ground, and is out. Completely inert.

She's just gone. I honestly thought if she's dead, this movie's weirder than I thought it would be. No. Yeah, but so he goes over to check on her. He knows a damsel in distress when he sees one. So he goes to check on her. He brings her back to his cave so he can nurse her back to health. Now, this is the concubine that got beat up earlier by Billy Zane.

If I had a nickel. I was in the Phantom! We get this long series of scenes where he's basically like trying to make friends with her like a feral fucking cat. Oh, he brings her this plate of fucking disgusting looking food. This food he brings her is what Noah pictures when I say vegan restaurant is just black slop with twigs sticking out of it. Please, you must regain your strength.

It's what TikTok calls a girl dinner. I was like, this meat cube might work out. Yeah, he's bringing her that. Right. Also, there was a moment where she calls him pale face. Yes. And he was really into that moment. Yeah, wasn't he though? Well yeah, cause she wakes up and he's like staring over her

and of course she freaks out cause she wakes up and there's some dude staring over her and he's like, hey calm down, I saved you. You know women they don't like nice guys, this is the problem, This is what you get. This way. Do you guys feel like he was masturbating when she woke up?

Okay, all right. We all have that in our notes. I checked it. All four of us put that in our notes. Okay. He wakes up. That's what was happening there, very clearly. The shot is this.

Yes, yes. Now, all right. So here's what I think... Why would you assume working on your golden plates? Right, because that's what they're going for. He's supposed to be... he's sitting away from her carving his golden plates. Yeah.

Like this, in front of the fire. And then the fire goes out. And I'm like, wow, that's some volume right there. That's impressive. That's the hunt for White October right there. Holy shit, we found it. I thought he was gonna be like, hey, Lame Night Lady, good, you're up.

Will you do me a favor and just like jump up and down next to me? I'm just gonna keep my hands still. You lock out the movie and then you jump up. And this counts. It's technically square dancing if we do it. It's just a do-si-do. If I move, it's a sin, but if you do it, it's fine.

I think the reason he didn't see it as a masturbating moment is because he looked at the dailies and the only thing that he cared about was like, can I get more contrast shadow on my triceps? Yes, yes, exactly. No, that's right. You're right. He was cheating away from the camera contrast shadow on my triceps? Yes, yes exactly. No, that's what you're right, he was cheating away from the camera to show us his triceps. 100% just to be like, oh look at, oh no. There's so much cut footage in this movie of him being like, well you could go over there.

Yes, uh-huh. But we ended up going to hell. Instead of heaven. Like me. instead of so now okay, so now like me yeah, I hate that you have a muscle when you do that. It ruins the day, wrecked it right right. I don't like that something happened to Noah's arm and it upset me. No, it's it's it's the it's the cuts clothing sure just makes it look like I have a muscle. Yeah, I got to get one of those shirt

clothes for the sport of business. Yes, Yeah, exactly. Nice. My shirt makes me look fat and weak. Let me check. Oh, you know, it's fat and I got a fat week one is more surely. So then okay. So now it's the next day and he Chinese food at midnight is the brain. I don't know if you guys have tried these. They're tribal and they're very soft. You can come into them. Sure can. They have to let you. So okay. So it's the next day. Damn it. And you guys are picturing me and Heath doing the arm thing. So it's the next day. It's called a Mormon rudder. Mormon rudder, I like it. So it's the next god damn day. Dan, I brought you here so I wouldn't be outnumbered, god damn it. Oh are fucking. I wanna be on that team. I wanna be on that team. I wanna be on that team.

I wanna be on that team. I wanna be on that team. I wanna be on that team. I wanna be on that team. I wanna be on that team. I wanna be on that team. I wanna be on that team. I wanna be on that team.

I wanna be on that team. I wanna be on that team. I wanna be on that team. I wanna be on that team. I wanna be on that team. I wanna be on that team. I wanna be on that team. I wanna be on that team.

I wanna be on that team. I wanna be on that team. I wanna be on that team. I wanna be on that team. I wanna be on that team. I wanna be on that team. I wanna be on that team. I wanna be on that team. I'm just picturing the director of the museum with contemporary art at the back with just a single tear running down her face. I just wanted to be in charge of a museum. Oh God, by the time I get to this, the next day, promp, it's going to be tomorrow. So the next day she wakes up, he brings her an outfit.

Right. Which where? Why? What? Did he go shopping? Did he make that? Did he have that? Whichever the answer is, it demands more explanation, doesn't it? But then, okay, I have to point this out too. So I always pause to write my notes as we're doing the movie. This movie is so fucking boring that after I wrote that note, I unpause, or I miss. I thought I'd click to the unpause and it took me 30 goddamn seconds to realize I hadn't that's how it looked this movie paused in this movie going it's hard to tell

the difference but this is where they first start chatting right this is their actual meet cute where he explains what a polyglot he is and then Mormons get it. Yeah. And then she. And this is by the way, I'm not, I promise I won't get too hung up on the language thing too late. I know, but this is the English Blackfoot thing is really annoying in this. Yes. She's speaking mostly Blackfoot and he's does a little bit of Blackfoot and it's a,

I just think Darren Scott who wrote and directed and starred in this movie saw Pocahontas and genuinely thinks that there are magic trees that somehow make white people able to understand Indians at some point. Also why does every sentence by a Native American character in a white guy's movie why does it have to be with like weird gravitas? They're just doing small talk here. Yeah. I'm sure Native American people just talk normal sometimes. She's just like, oh so you're a tradesman is your job back in the day but it has to be like weird. What you do white man? Yeah well and also but there's also that. So that's the other thing we have to point out is that they do the whole like 1950s In speak. Oh, yeah, right. There's no conjunctions. There's no articles and it's like she's supposed to be speaking her fucking language, right?

Yeah, apparently she talks like a five-year-old like I guess Yeah, so but she goes to leave cuz you go they start talking about like she's like you're a knee fight and you you Knee fights kill my people and he's, I've never killed a Lamanite. I led a force of 10,000 people who I ordered to kill Lamanites, but that's different. So she goes to leave. She's got a Nobel Peace Prize for that. Yeah, right.

So, but she goes to leave and he calls after her and he goes, you know, where I come from, we have no masters. And again, it's like a stance point, it's like you're the only fucking god. You come from a cave, man. Yeah, right, right. Also, you're lying about your fake history.

Right, yeah, you just said you ordered 10,000 people into battle and they all fucking died. I feel like that sounds like a master to me. Yeah. Jesus. Not a master general, because literally he got everybody killed. Yeah, right, right.

That's not a great military mind. I'm just going to put that out. But he promises to teach her about freedom, and she's in. So they walk along, expositing together. This is the point where they're like, he's like pointing out Mormon landmarks and stuff. He's like, that's the hill, Camorra. Totally different than gum or as very different sounding entirely. If you think about it,

we are in upstate New York right now where the Blackfoot tribe is from. You know, the lush forest, dense forests of upstate New York. Yeah, I wanted a homesick teenager in a black nameplate to come up. Hi, can I help you guys with any fuck off? The Mormons in the audience are loving that one. Yeah, so So he's showing her around like if I were to talk to Eli into visiting my hometown, right? He's like that's the field where I sit and think a lot. No, literally though That's yes, you just said that's my thinking place. Yeah, we think there and I found you over there. Yeah earlier in the movie

Now it's now Now it's now Now it's now so and then he Talking about Aaron about her husband and and of course, she's got this big fake black eye the whole time She's like, you know, my husband is a great man, and he says, a man who hits you is not great,

and she is soaking wet. Sploosh, yeah. Like, there was a, I thought that was a waterfall sound in the background. No. Ben Shapiro ran in with a medical bag, it was bad. So. I was a Hebrew consultant but less do you think that like he's gone woke or anything he literally lists his next sentence starts

with the word woman totally I'm very woke compared to the guy who hit you yeah so so that night though she wakes up and she sees him working on his gold plates Totally does. I'm very woke compared to the guy who hit you. So that night though she wakes up and she sees him working on his gold plates. And it came to pass dammit. Eli is furiously working on his gold plates. Fine and nickel. Can I ask you guys something? I'm genuinely asking. Were there candles in ancient upstate New York? Because his place is, it's, I mean, he went to Bed Bath & Beyond.

It is, oh yeah, everywhere. It's got phantom vibes, yeah. I'm surprised he didn't have a fog boat he took her on at one point. Please. So, and there's also this moment where it's like he's so it's the next day right and he's like so I was going to go out and think you want to go think with me and she's like no. I'm going to go think do you like thoughts? I wrote in my notes the Heathenwright school of flirtation. Yeah several things that happened with this character. Felt attacked. Yep. Yep.

So, and she declines because she wants to know what the fuck it is that he's been jerking off to every night, right? So he leaves and we get her like tearing the place apart, tearing the cave apart trying to find his gold plates. And once he leaves, she does, right? And so she's going to, she wraps him up, she's going to run away with them and she's got them in both hands and I write my notes well at least she doesn't have her carrying them in one fucking hand right and just as I finish typing that she moves them over to one fucking hand she's got a Heisman move

she's got him off one finger she's got them over her head It's gold! How much could it weigh? You're right. Yeah. Then she immediately drops them. Yeah, she trips. Yeah. She trips and she falls and this insanely hot angel shows up. Was this guy, was that supposed to be Jesus? Yeah, it's Moroni. Oh, see, I was a Mormon, but I wasn't privy to the deep lore. I'm sorry. I was a Mormon, but I wasn't privy to the deep lore. I'm sorry So yeah, so okay, so and he was even more fuckable than the star of the show I mean he was crazy hot so so but she sees this super hot ghost angel And she's like I got to take these plates back right like I don't want to stick around where the fuck this guy shows Up my guess so she takes the ship back and when she goes back she sees he's got this, uh, Moroni has this parchment hanging on his wall, and she sees that it has the same

symbol that the super hot angel had on his breastplate. Which, correct me if I'm wrong, it is the Cobra insignia from G.I. Joe. Yes, it is the Cobra. It is definitely that. He is Cobra. Yeah. That's the fucking deep lore for you. Oh.

So, but then we get this... Exmojo! So now it's that night, we get this great scene where he's like, he's praying for forgiveness for letting her in his cave, right? And she's right fucking there. He's just praying out loud. He's like, God, I'm so sorry that I let her be in my, I just wanted to get laid so bad. The ex-mo's get it. Yeah, right? Yeah, exactly.

And he's like kneeling in front of other Moroni. She woke up and like, she was like, so I saw that other glowy guy that you were kneeling in front of. Shut up, he's not in the movie anymore. I mean, what's his deal? Do you think he'd be into a group place? Yeah, right. Right, you know that's the funniest fucking thing, because she sees him.

She looks over and she sees the super hot angel and she's like, I think I'll stick around. I'm going to stick around. Do you think he's heard of a Lamanite steamer? I'll do it. It's fine. Grabbing both elbows. So OK. So now it's, oh, I love this scene so goddamn much.

So it's the next day. They're carrying their water gourds back to the cave. They go to poke into the cave, and there's this ominous growl. And he's like, she's like, hey, can I look in there? He's like, we don't have a budget for that now. You'll have to trust me. It's a bear. He literally just broke my stick randomly into here and oh bear, bear, bear. And I have to point this out. This is a minor moment, but they're breaking one of the most basic fucking rules of filmmaking in the universe right here because they're having this conversation

where we're cutting from him to her to him to her. But what they're doing is they're switching which sides of the screen they're on every time. This is like rule number one of filmmaking. Donald James fucking Parker has never done that. The guys from Leap knew better than to do that. I was so furious when that fucking happened. It was like a dance.

Meanwhile, also it is to be pointed out that this back and forth is happening there is a bear three feet away from them in a cave and they're like an angry enough to growl like he's pissed what should we do about this did you have any thoughts she can find she also communicates nothing and he gets chicken fight she does this and he's like like you want to play Margot Polo against the bear by the way and this She also communicates nothing and he gets chicken fight. She does this and he's like, oh, we're going to do this. We're like, you want to play Marco Polo against the bear by the way.

And this probably won't make the cut. So get ready live show. We had a pretty big fight backstage about me and Heath trying to reenact that. I think I should have been top guy. What April, how dare you? If anybody's supposed to be on my fucking side here. Who thinks Heath is, I'm so sorry,

who thinks Heath is bottom? Two people. Who thinks I'm on bottom? I'd say it's the only person. Yay! You did that backwards, that's what Heath wanted. Yeah, you got a diver. He wanted you to be on the bottom.

Exactly. After the show we're having a tournament, so pick your partners. It's going down. It can't be a person you know though, let's make it weird. Alright, so this is my favorite moment in this. So she gets on his shoulders and they scare away the bear, right? Now they're big and that's how you scare away a bear. And we cut to this shot of this bear running away.

Now the shot of the bear running away is, it's blurry, he's way the fuck away, he's behind a bunch of fucking foliage. It's a different time of day. It's a totally different ecosystem. It's the city streets. Yes, exactly. So what clearly happened is when they were out filming something, they got shot of a bear from a fucking distance and they're like, rewrite the goddamn script.

We're using this. We're using this. You know what? I was looking for a place to put urine in the script, so this is actually perfect. They're going to work it in. This is fucking out great. This is great. I wanted so bad the bear to just push him over. What are you doing?

Are you chicken fighting me? I'm a bear. Hey, just out of curiosity, would you rather be in the woods with me? Yeah, right. Exactly. Super me, right? You might be wondering why it is that Dan just said they wanted pee in the movie. Well, that's the next scene. Yeah. They're

starting, they're trying to figure out what to do about the fact that this bear is now getting into their cave and she's like, I know what to do. We need to go jerk off a wolf. So. But when I suggested on the podcast, it's all shut up, Eli. So. Can I just say that the number of times they use the phrase bear impediment is, it's too many times.

One is too many times. But I just figured that this guy can't conceive of a world where he is without his favorite bushcraft items. Yes, right. Right. So yeah, so now the idea here is they've trapped this wolf. They're going to go get the wolf's pee and use the wolf's pee to scare off the bear. But it looks for all the world like he's just back there jerking off the wolf while they're making small talk. Also, this is a random wolf that is just tied to a log.

Like they just keep them sporadically throughout the walk? We're supposed to think they set some kind of trap and caught the wolf in a leggy loop. By the way, this wolf fucking dog, it's a pug, right? It's a pug. It's a pug. But this fucking pug, they got it a leggy, right, it's a husky mix that their queer couple loaned them.

And she goes over and she's like, and the dog starts peeing. That's not how pee works. Do they squeeze the pee? Again, that's not how pee works. So they get that and now they're like, they're putting the piss around their cave and she says, and you think this is going their their cave and she says and this you Think this is gonna come back and she's just fucking punking them right she says no you have to flick it Oh, yeah, it lasts longer if you flick it. Let me tell you something. I was a boy scout

I've been camping many times if someone tells you gives you a gourd full of piss and tells you to spread it around the camp To ward off bears and then tells you you have to sprinkle it with your hands to make it last longer. That's just good old fashioned camp shenanigans right there. Yep. Also, if you bring me a gourd full of piss, you need to open with don't drink that. So my favorite part of this is- Because I am thirsty for piss.

So, I'm so sorry! It's so gross. Damn it. Now we gotta go milk the wolf again. Alright. You found your way to the hunt for yellow october. My favorite moment of this whole scene though, as they're flicking the piss,

at one point, Moroni just sniffs his fucking fingers. Like, hey, do I... Do I... Do I... My favorite moment of this whole scene though, as they're flicking the piss, at one point, Moroni just sniffs his fucking fingers. He goes, Like, hey, do I, do I enjoy wolf pee or I forget? Nope, nope, still no. Still not, still not a fan. Alright, well I'll tell you what, piss sniffing is about as close to something happening as we're ever going to get from this movie,

so we're going to take a quick break here, but we'll be back in a minute with even more of The Oath. Hey uh Steve you got a second? Oh hey regular guys I hired to make this movie what's up? Right yeah um we just had some questions about this script that you hired us to film. Mm-hmm. Yeah, sure. Is there a problem? Uh, kinda. We're worried that some of the depiction of Native American people in the movie, they're a little, um... Insensitive. Look, guys, I get it.

The Book of Mormon is an old book, but what religious text doesn't have some issues? Yeah. Plus, we made sure that everything in the script is authentic. We're using real tribal makeup and Native American actors for the evil Lamanites. Yes. And and they're speaking real Blackfoot. We hired a language expert and everything. That's so much worse.

OK, well, well well how about this? A skull? Yeah! Yeah, for the graveyard scene. I'll have you know my grandfather killed and fucked this guy himself. He um... You know what? I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go set the cameras somewhere else. Set the cameras? I gotta go set the cameras too. Sure thing, guys. Let me know if you need anything else. Yeah, we'll do.

Yeah. Did he say kill Ven-Fuck? I don't want to talk about it. And we're back live from Salt Lake City! Thank you so much! Thank you, thank you. And so, okay, so we're going to rejoin the action. Action. We're going to rejoin the movie with Bathsheba. It's so fucking, she's now asking Moroni about the logistics of his fucking cave fire. God.

So fucking boring. Are you sure you can smelt gold in there? That doesn't sound right. Look, unlike real Mormon, modern Mormon marriages, Bathsheba is a real Mormon. God, so fucking boring. Are you sure you can smell gold in there? That doesn't sound right. See, look, unlike real Mormon, modern Mormon marriages, Bathsheba learns about Moroni's boring, stupid hobby that he'll be obsessively doing till all hours of the night before they get married.

Oh, there you go. That's actually kind of cool. Yeah. Healthy. So he talks about how he can't sleep because of all of his trauma from his old wife and kids that died years ago. She's like, well, maybe you could do something to, you know, take your mind off of that. And he goes to lock elbows with her, right? Obviously.

And then she points to some old whittling in the corner of the cave, and she's like, like, you could whittle. And he's like, yeah, no, whittling. Yeah, no, I wanted to whittle. He actually has this weird, like, I can't go back to the whittling life kind of a moment here, though, right? Yeah, yeah, very much. I shall never whittle again! I really don't want to move past the way she says,

hey, you're up late, because the phrasing that she uses is, you burn flame with bats. Which I feel like, I feel like there was a late night Yes. You burn flame with bats. Which I feel like, I feel like there was a late night where Darren Scott, the writer of this film was like- And director and star. Can I run a few, listen, I've been trying to come up with like a Native American way to say Europe very late.

Can I just run a few of these by you? Sure, yeah, let's workshop that, it's gonna work out great. How about this, you eat moon wampum. Oh, Jesus Christ. OK, I like it. I like it. No, you won't go. Let's keep going, though.

Let's keep going. You pow wow with the stars. Better. This is rude. Better. Better. OK. We're not there yet.

You smoke them peace pipe with 230 AM. That's really good. That feels a two on the nose, right? I do, but yeah, I don't like it. Let's go the flame bats flame bats That's good. That'll work that'll work if I put a lot of money in the idea jar. Can we do none? Can you stop making this movie? What I need to pay you none of those are up How much raw milk can I feed our kids before you'll stop talking to me, right? So he's like I'm to go start whittling now.

Yeah. Leave me alone. So but she suggests the whittling and he has this heartbroken moment where he can't, he thinks about the whittling. So he goes outside to have this contemplative shot of his hair blowing in the wind. He misses his kids so much it turns daylight.

It becomes day. It does. It's the middle of the fucking day. It's the middle of the night. And then suddenly he's like, I'm going to and it's like oh the Sun's gonna just yeah All right, so okay So he comes back in and damn it if she hasn't cooked dinner like a good Mormon wife and at this point She's like she's like I want to know more about this this golden book of yours

I want to learn from it and I thought now there is a fucking Mormon fantasy, right? Could you tell me more about the Book of Mormon? I'm very interested. Please teach me the truth. I'm seeking the truth of the universe and elbow contact. Let's do this. I want religion explained to me, but by someone who's never seen a boob before. Yeah, right.

Right. So he teaches us. If only there were a thirsty teenager who poops with the door open to explain things to me. They don't let them have water. It's my favorite thing. They're now allowed to loosen their tie though. And you get to call mom twice a year. No, no, they already had twice a year.

Now you can do it once a week. It's pretty, yeah, it's fucking spoiled. Yeah. Right. She's not going to convert anyone to God at that rate. It's talking to mommy on FaceTime So they so he gets out his little alum he's got a chart I guess he's got like a like a visual Aid for Mormonism that he gets out. He starts pointing to different characters. He's like go. This is a this is Alma He says go a lot

This is Mosiah the Great I don't remember what we did voice-wise for him and then but they actually have a moment where they have to make fun of how stupid their book is right because he has to keep going well this is well this is Moroni and this is also Moroni I'm also Moroni fuck he actually said you know there's lots of sounds for names that you can use. They do not know that. No, this is extra funny because there is a Mormon apologetic that says that Joseph Smith

couldn't have just made it all up because he would have had to come up with all of those names. Oh, Jesus. You think he came up with a brilliant name like Anti-Ni-Fi-Lee-Hi? He's just off the top of his head. Which is also funny because if you live in Utah, like every third child is named Bricksley or Keldricks or Ebekele or... Those are all real. I looked those up.

Oh yeah. Amazing. A lot of GHs in the children's names in this town. Yup, yup. So yeah, so he's showing her this little scroll that he's got, right? This got like the Book of Mormon visual thing going on. And you can tell by the way they do this that they thought when they filmed this they were gonna have the money to animate the scroll. So like he imagined people on the scroll coming to life, like in

the beginning of Black Panther or something like that, but they didn't have the budget for that. So all that happens is there's these little star flashes here and there that twinkle. It's on the front of the as he's talking about shit. It's so good. There's an amazing moment where she's he's like she starts to tell him about like her lore about their ancestors, right? Because they both they eventually came from like one little family and she just she's like she tells her whole thing and he's like uh huh. Yeah, that's cute. Um no what

really happened is, no, you said that my ancestor was mean to your ancestor, but no, actually your ancestor was the dick to my ancestor. Your guy killed my guy in a wooden submarine when they were doing a thing and she's like, sorry, what? Yeah, no, it was not the wooden submarine,marine, thank you. That was a different group. That was the anti-Niefei-Leheis, wasn't it? Shit.

Was it? So, but then there's this weird apologizing. I hate the things we know. Yeah, right? Right? Like, there could have been math there or something, you know, or the fucking capital of Nebraska. Drugs?

We could have done more drugs. We could have killed those brain cells. So. Like the little Nephites they were. Yeah. So, but there's also this weird apologetic here, right, where she's like, but, but Laman, my ancestor, was the older brother, so he should have been in charge.

Right, and they're like, no, he's like, no. Remember in the Bible with Jacob and Esau, the- Oh no, no. Oh, right. Esau with Jacob and Esau. Oh no, no. Oh, right. Esau and Jacob. Jacob. Who became Israel. Like the overpronunciations,

this is the guy who went on one foreign vacation. Yes. And for like the next 15 years is like, oh no, it's actually Barcelona. Yes. I practiced karate. It's karate. I remember when I was in Ibiza.

So, God, I hate you. So, but he's explaining like, you know, Nephi actually is the good guy in the story, and that's what his book is all about, and she's like, well, why is the Book of Mormon so important? He's like, well, because if you want a holy book to work, it has to be too boring to read.

Right? But he explains that he would give his life to protect the golden place, only in the third act, obviously. What's amazing is why? For whom? Like, your people are gone. There's nothing. Don't protect them anymore. It's fine. Well, he knows Joseph's coming. Later, oh, he does. He does know that. He knows Joseph's coming. Later on, he does. He does know that. The other Joseph. And Joseph will eat mozzarella together. And practice our nunchaku.

With President Kamala Harris. It's hard for some of us. You got it right that time, Eli, actually. You got it right during the first episode. I hope that was a bit... So now she wants to learn his language so she can read that awesome Book of Mormon of his. And so we have this montage of her learning a new language.

It's as exciting as you think that it would be. He makes little fucking flashcards. They show her practicing with her flashcards. Flash scrolls, it's awesome. Yeah, right. Which is like where we learned that they have paper and ink. So what's with all the plates? Why don't you just write it down on paper?

Right? So yeah, so we get that scene. Mormonism could be an email, come on. Let's go. This is so much work. We've gone with Jesus. Come on, let's go. This is so much work, we've gone with Jesus. Come on. So we cut to the, now we cut over to the Lamanites

that are out hunting her. I guess there's like a Lamanite hunting party that Billy Zane has sent out to find his concubine. And they're having this conversation, they start off like, it's been four weeks and not a trace. I'm like, how the fuck far did she run? Right? Because she's been in the same fucking place

this whole time. We found evidence that she did milk the wolf though, so we can, we know she's been around here. Yeah. So this is also where we learned that one of the Lamanites hunting them is Bathsheba's sister. She will be a bit of a character. There's a great scene here where she pulls a knife on Kohor,

one of the other henchmen, for calling her a childless cat lady. Right? Yep. But it's not a super effective moment, because they've given them these pseudo-Native American weapons, and hers isn't very sharp. So she's like, I'll slit your throat. I mean, I won't, don't you spit it out, not for all these people.

Don't you do it, don't you do it. Everyone's watching, everyone is watching. We got him. Everyone is watching! We got him! Alright. Audience at home, I don't even know where to begin. Heath was trying to take a drink of water. Eli pretended to slit his throat with a bottle of water.

Heath did not succeed in drinking his bottle of water. It's not the ejaculation that you wanted, but it's the ejaculation that you got. The hunt for Clare October. Me and Eli hung out, I swallowed, we're going back to the movie. Moving on. And I said, ladies and gentlemen, we got him. Yeah. So, okay. So then we cut back to Moroni and Bathsheba being boring,

and I shit you not, I wrote that line, I wrote, that we cut back to them being boring, and the first fucking line out of Bathsheba being boring, and I shit you not, I wrote that line, I wrote that we cut back to them being boring, and the first fucking line out of Bathsheba's mouth when we cut to the scene is, you're boring. The movie has paused to call itself boring. It's literally, yeah, she's just basically like, meditation is dumb. Why are we, we're in the thinking place.

What do we have? Can we make an activity? We're Mormons, we're good at this. Yeah, she bonks him on the head with a rock and he's like, all right, fine. Probably do something in the movie now. There is kind of a like self-congratulatory, like you Mormons know all your thinking,

kind of a moment here. But she decided she wants to do archery practice, right? So they go to do archery practice. And I think, and myself, what a lazy way for them to introduce that she's a great archer, because obviously later in the movie, it'll come back and she'll have to use her archery. She will never use her goddamn archery

at any point in the fucking movie. But there is a great moment where he's like, wait, you're supposed to practice archery? Yeah. No wonder all of my people are doing it. Yeah, right, right. They didn't tell us about practicing, what? Cut to a flashback of the Nephite army just...

Ah, God! I let go of the front. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! So, so then he hands him this tiny little pill that he's got a note in, he's like, I want you to read this. It's a mezuzah.

He said, read the scroll out of my mezuzah. Yeah, so he reads it, and at first it read like anti-abortion propaganda But it basically what it was saying is you can tell how much God loves you by how pregnant you are Right like isn't that like basically the message there? So he's like yeah, no if God loves you you'll have a lot of kids. Why are you crying and running away? He runs away, but they're in a tiny cave so she has to be like, I'm running... Now I'm mad over here, slightly further away.

Slightly further. It will take you several scooches to reach me, white man. Meanwhile he has just given her something to read. It has made her cry and run away, and he just stares at her like yep. This is normal. Yep Yep, and then because this movie is so stupid we cut from where we are to where we are right but later And so now we get him He's he's coming in from a hard day of fucking whatever the hell his appointments on his sundial were He comes in and was on a podcast Talking about my diet, yeah

So he comes in and of course she's now naked and trying to seduce him because he wrote and directed this film So he has this moment where they this whole mustn't squeeze the titties kind of a moment and he turns away She gets offended she runs away she right she runs off which is funny because then he's suddenly like wait i changed my mind i want the boobies no i just needed a minute to get fluffed and ready i didn't see that coming i'm seven years older than you damn so so he chases out after he yell it and she's nowhere to be found apparently this this one runs at fucking flash speeds clearly and This is where we get tans best worst

Just running around in a circle You know if we try like we honestly we were gonna try to recreate this for you our Insurance company told us we were not allowed to for fear of injury It was so fucking you see this actor realized throwing his heart Yep, he's a big strong muscly guy and he just assumes he's gonna like fucking wing it a mile into the distance It's gonna go over the dick over and but he's just like, ah, oh, I guess there's a technique to it Wait, what the funniest thing is he actually knocks himself over. Right? Because he throws him with his right hand and that doesn't go great, but then he...

He tries lefty. Yes! So he fails throwing with his dominant arm and he's like, I'll probably be able to do a better switch. He tries lefty and throws so badly lefty that he falls to the ground physically. In real life. Exactly. There's no way that was a way because if it was Intentional then he wouldn't have fallen in such a way that his entire fucking ass was visible as well. It was I

Mean again, I am NOT complaining. That was a But you think it wrinkles of his rectum The pucker of his bathole The pucker of his bathole. Speaking of naked ass, can we just pause to remember that she was naked when she ran out of the... Yes! She is running around in the forest naked apparently. Well, he's the only one out there so she should be fine.

The bear will take good care of her. Yeah, right, right, yeah, exactly. So, actually, yeah... The bear's just sitting there smoking. Should have chose me. So he goes back to the cave, and this is how quickly this movie diffuses its own goddamn tension.

He goes back to the cave, she's there. She shaves her mind. Apparently she ran off and got attacked by a wolf. You don't know, it's a Canadian wolf, you don't know her. And then came back so he could nurse her to health again. And there is, you, you visibly see on his face, he's like, oh thank God I can stop dramatic acting and go back. Yes. Just monotone whispering. Emotions over. We get this moment of him jumping around looking for all the herbs he He's gonna need to help her or whatever crouching tiger hidden Mormon

Yeah, exactly So then okay So it's now it's I guess a day later sometime later Whatever he comes back to the cave from a hard day at the office or whatever And I can't tell if she's made herself a new dress or is she now wearing the one that he's wearing though on Or is she showing off that her boobs aren't out this time so he doesn't have to run away? I'm close. Yeah.

And he looks at her and he goes out of fucking nowhere, apropos of nothing, he goes, I would never hurt you. She's like, Nope, bear. No, I know where this goes. She comes back with a bear on her shoulders, you know. Scare him away. He'll think we're tall. Tell him you read White Fragility.

Yes. So he says, he says, I have an epistle that I'd like you to read. And she's like, are we fucking? Or I thought, God, what? Are you taking a scroll out right scroll out this explains why we're not fucking so she starts reading this scroll and the scroll it's a letter that his dad wrote about how awful the Lamanites are which is fucking hilarious because she's a Lamanite right right he's like I want you I want to offer

this to you by way of apology and she starts reading it she's like Lamanites are fucking awful they shitty and they smell funny and he's like she's like what the fuck he said keep going and they're and they're they're they're feeding each other to each other animals are terrible yeah and he's like the more feeling though more feeling he says it gets better and then she's like but also Nephites are terrible and rapists yeah right and that's, I think that's how it evens out, I guess. He's like, see, we all suck. Right.

In unity. But this is, and of course this is something from the Book of Mormon, right? So this is actually just Joseph Smith talking unapologetically about how savage Native Americans are, but this is his way of apologizing for not fucking. Real. That was an involuntary, uh, that is a trauma born, uh, my friends, that, uh, first came out at like 14 and never went back in several bishops yelled at that person for that. Uh,

so yeah, but this is where we learned the oath from the, from the title. It's not that he's like, I can't, I couldn't have sex with you because it would violate my oath. And she's like, so you took it all to celibacy. He says, no, I took the oath and not fucking Lamanites. But if you change religions, and let me tell you something, the oath that he refers to multiple times has a different thing every time he talks about it. Yes. Oh no I violated my

oath by lying. Oh no. We never learned what this fucking oath was. Well I think the oath is I'm gonna change your religion with my dick. Like that's yep. That's Mormonism right? That's her her oath, right? That's not his oath. So he tells... The pearl necklace of great price. No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! See, I would have to use dictrons and covenants before that. Yours is too good, so... So, no, but she says, I'll take the oath, too, and then we can fuck.

And he's like, okay, so here's the oath, you have to promise that you will resist evil and defend your family even unto bloodshed. Which again, is really fucking creepy when you consider this is something that Joseph Smith was making people swear, right? But will you kill for me, right? And I wrote a joke in my fun little podcast notes

being like, can you imagine if people used this in their wedding vows? And then I Googled it and you weird ass fuckers do. The first thing that came up was a bride with an AK-47 saying that and then shooting the gun into the air. Oh my God. The human experiment has failed, my friends!

They were like, oh I'm sorry, did you want to satire this Eli? Buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh. We're next to a preschool playground! Buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh. Why does this keep happening? So then we cut to the bad guys stalking around and just as though to promise that that something's gonna happen eventually, right? They're that's yeah, we're skipping. So I have helping down. He doesn't know our notes Boy llama

Is it upside down yes, it doesn't matter we yeah, It doesn't matter. It works all the way. I'm not allowed to have internet on my laptop anymore because one time he looked over and I was just full on playing Slay the Spire in 11. Law is law! We cut to the bad guys. They're still stalling around promising something's eventually going to happen, and there's this great moment where one of them's like, we should just turn back

and tell them we couldn't find her. And the sister is like, no the fuck we won't! And so, Kohar, the other henchman, the secondary henchman, he throws his little axe down, and a bunch of bees pop out of the law. Oh! Now, in this dumbass movie's universe, those bees have now created an impenetrable barrier.

The earth might as well have just ripped open. What do they think is happening geometrically there? He's doing the supermarket aisle thing with the bees. He's like, oops, wrong way. You go, I'll hold still. Whatever he's doing, dude is standing there for a while, just surrounded by bees going, I can't, I'm sorry. I guess, I can't, you're on that side of the bees,

I'm on this side of the bees. Bathsheba's sister, the hunter, moves on, she's beyond the bee wall. Yes. At the time of the creation of the bee wall. And the rest of them is like, at bay like a horse at water. They don't know what to do. Nobody's running. Nobody's like bees. They're just like, oh, well, no, these are like, nobody gets to the next scene. Now.

They already passed us. This next scene is that way. We'll let her go. All the bees have tiny clipboards. You're not on the list, man. I don't know what you're telling me. Yeah, exactly. So, so now they're split up. Meanwhile. The bee list. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! So meanwhile Moroni and Bathsheba are doing absolutely goddamn nothing. They're walking around and she's going I'm happy like that eagle and he's like that eagle

She's like it represents freedom later in the movie. He's like, oh, okay At one point he says in the scene if you're in the clouds, I'm in the firmament and that's my new if you're a bird I'm a bird everybody She feels free. I just, at this point, checked and I was only halfway through the movie. I was like, I feel like a rabid raccoon caught in a rusty trap.

But she feels free, that's good. I feel like somebody's going to squeeze pee out of me and then flick it. Right? To scare off a bear who's actually really helpful in this scenario so far. But they also do that cliche where she just starts spinning because she's so happy. Guys, I've never spun with happiness. I hate to say that. I hate to admit that.

You're a sad old man, Phil. Who wants to see Noah spin with happiness right now? You got to do it. You're going to have to give a hell of an ovation at the end of the show. That's all I'm saying. All right. All right. Well, you're gonna have to give a hell of an ovation at the end of the show. That's all I'm saying So oh sure, but you do a standing leap onto the stage We asked for a single spin and they're not good enough That's patrons only shit right there. Yeah, right, right, right

No, honestly, though this thin as my blood is now with all these by like a centrifuge, it would just all go to the edges or something. We can't risk it. Just cholesterol all over your skin. Everyone's getting triglycerides to the face like a Gallagher show. It's like Shamu, you got to pull up a little tarp or something in front of you. We'd smash Noah with a sledge of metal. Like Gallagher, yeah. So then, okay. So we get...

I feel bad that I thought of that too. I was like, yeah, so much fun. All right, so then we get, Marone and I bringing her the golden plates in this very like, you are ready moment, right? And she says... It feels like, okay, I'm finally gonna let you read my erotic Star Wars fan picture. Just don't make fun of the actuals, okay, I'm finally gonna let you read my erotic Star Wars fan picture. Yeah. Just don't make fun of the afterwords, okay? You gotta promise you're gonna be nice about it. Yeah.

Yeah. Darth Maul does have two dicks going like, he had the double lightsaber thing. And I know canonically that doesn't make any sense because what the court of art for you. Just go with it, man. Just go with it. Just go with it, okay? But here's the thing. I'm hoping you don't be adopted into Canon.

So, but here's the thing though is that she swore earlier in the movie that she would never touch the gold plates again, right? As a condition of being able to stay there. So now he has to turn the pages for her as she reads. And I feel like... Fuck the gold's stuck together. That's... I don't know why the gold is stuck you don't want to read what's on that page anyway, that's fine So yeah, so that's a page with mace window Yes, where they put Samuel Jackson into Star Wars movie he was just like hi, I'm Samuel Jackson

Beep boop stupid robot. I'll kick you in the fucking face. I want a purple one. Now, I also have to point out what's going on here in this movie, right? So we are watching what may very well be the most boring thing you could possibly watch right so watching people read is the go-to childhood of a lot of yeah right right is what you're talking about yeah so here's the thing watching someone read on screen most boring thing ever right the Book of Mormon most boring thing to

read ever this is the most boring thing ever times the most boring thing ever at this point. Inside the most boring movie. Right yes yes oh yes exactly. She also at one point says the legends are true so like she knew it was a legend but now she believes it there's nothing more Mormon than claiming something is true because it's in writing yeah right right yeah Dan gets the first applause break well done so the bank statements of Bain Capital it's like no we wrote it down just so but now she's so excited to get to the end of the Book of Mormon she's like oh I wish there was more, another one of these Mormon fantasies. If only there were doctrines and covenants I could read.

But then, then we see the two of them meditating back to back. Yeah, they can finally start their shitty health and wellness YouTube channel. Oh yeah, there you go. Okay, back to back meditation with your Lamanite girlfriend. That's what the Mormons call missionary position, right? Oh god.

It's good. It's good. Wait. Meditate more. Meditate more. You meditate more. I'm being mindful. Oh god. Monkey mind. Think about nothing. Monkey mind, I got a cramp. Which one of us was the Lamanite? Kamala Harris. No, she became a Lamanite. All of a sudden.

She was Indian and then... So... She used to be a Nephite, now she's a Lamanite. And I'm fine with both. I'm fine with both. I'm fine with both Is she a Nephi higher that's what I'm asking Nephi higher So now we get to the sister right the sister's still on the hunt she's covering herself in the mud so that she's ready to face the predator.

And then she smells a dead wolf. So she runs over, she finds this dead wolf, and she's like, only my sister would have killed a wolf like that. Oh, I thought that she had killed it when she was attacked. I was like, fair play to you. Nice. Yeah, I think that's what we're supposed to be going for. I was like, maybe I do want to check out your YouTube channel.

Yeah. That's pretty bad ass. Yeah, but so she's on the trail now. So something's going to happen any minute. Okay, look, the movie's telling you that. I can understand with all the lies why you might not believe it. So I'm going to give Act Three,

the hard sell here for you, okay? Will the last act of this movie contain possibly my favorite scene in the history of God awful movies? Did I watch that scene, text Eli about it, watch it again, text Heath about it, watch it again, text Dan about it, and then watch it again? Did I walk around Platinum Night last night telling everybody who wasn't going to watch the movie to at least watch the scene that starts at 1 hour 14 minutes and 10 seconds? Is the time stamp 1 hour 14 minutes and 10 seconds permanently burned into my brain?

Yes, yes, fuck yes and oh fuck yes. Find out why when we return for the admittedly still boring conclusion of The Oath. And this is my pre-pre-workout. Takes the edge off the pre-workout, you know what I'm saying? No, I do not know. Hey guys, what's going on? Oh, hey Noah. I was just showing Heath my gym essentials. It's a lot.

We haven't even gotten to the creatines yet. Sorry creatines plural. Oh, yeah. Eli, you don't need all this stuff. Whether you're a seasoned gym goer or just starting your fitness journey. The essential your workout really needs is fit bod. What's FitBod? And does it come in a powder that tastes like lemon pledge?

No, it's a fitness app that customizes each workout based on your goals and adapts them as you improve. But have you actually used it? I sure have. I signed up for FitBod when they became a sponsor. I love how I can adjust my workout based on whether I'm in a fully stocked gym or an empty hotel room. That's why I know illusions personally endorse fit pod Wow, that sounds great. It is and with fit pod you can learn new movements the right way with over a thousand demonstration videos

All right, Noah. I'm sold. Where do I sign up and fit bud? Do your workout essentials join fit bod today to get your personalized workout plan get 25% your subscription, or try the app for free at fitbud.me slash gam. That's F-I-T-B-O-D dot M-E slash gam. Excellent. Thanks. So, Eli, you have any post workout stuff? I don't know. Do you like watermelon flavored bleach?

No. Oh, well then no, I don't. The legend says that you were the last Nephite and thus carry the burden of your people's sacred knowledge. Is this true? Yes it is, I'm afraid. Yes it is. And what is the secret knowledge?

I'm afraid I could never share it with you. I'm honestly not sure if the angels would even let you understand. Moroni, you have taught me so much. You must teach me this. Very well. Very well. Have you heard of seed oils? Sorry, seed oils?

Is that what you said? Yeah. Yeah, no, they're basically poison. I was listening to this podcast about it. It was two birds actually. Right, right. White guy. I forgot. Honestly, you should watch the whole interview because they really get into the crypto.

And let me tell you, I wish I had gotten into gold plates before I did because I would be so rich right now if I did. I'm actually going to go back to the human slavery thing. Are you sure? I have a picture of a monkey and a sheet that says I own the picture. I'm good. You're lost.

Already leaving. And we're back! Thank you so much! You know, I gotta say, for a movie where nothing happens, you guys have stayed super enthusiastic. We really appreciate that. So we're going to open up the next day. Beth, she was going to wake up. There's a little note that Marone and I left for her. She wanders off that we find... Hey, I had had a great time but I'm not looking for anything serious yeah right right so but then we see the we get the scene where like the the

sister we haven't given her name and I believe it's Mahi Ghana or it moves around a lot because Billy Zane has to say yes and he is erect by the end of this it's not easy to say drunk it It's just not. It isn't. So, my gana finds the cave, right? She sees her sister leaving the cave and she's like, well, you know what? I should probably check that cave to make sure there's no valuable plates of any kind in there. Well, it felt like she was looking for clues for a second.

Yes. For what though? Right. What are you going to find? You literally just saw the sister you've been looking for for weeks? Why did you either not go to her? What? Why did you like let her walk off and then sneak into her home? Well, because you never know when there's going to be secret gold plates hidden in somebody's house. Did he take up with, did she take up with a bear? I got it. Let me check the cave. It's the old Yiddish saying you never know when there's going to be golden.

cave. It's the old Yiddish saying, you never know when there's going to be gold in the sea. That's what the Mazuz is for. Yep. Yep. So I mean, what we got, we got, we have a great scene where Moroni is finally able to whittle again, you know? And then we got to the sister and she's like tearing the cave apart, right? She's turning the cave over like she's looking for the microfiche. Yeah. Right? Because we know that there's gold plates, so apparently she does too. She picks up dirt on her knife. Is that bear piss? Wolf. That's wolf. Yeah. Wolf? I know wolf piss when I see it. Yeah.

So then she's checking... Improper flicking technique. White man has been here. technique. White man has been here. So yeah, so she hears them, she hears them coming, right? While she's looking through the cave. So she runs off to like hide in the bushes and stare at them. So Bathsheba comes back with Moroni and they embrace and then he kneels down and he listens to her tummy so that Maegano will know that she's pregnant now. Eli, you're a dad. Yeah.

You know those moments early on in Anna's pregnancy where you stopped her right outside your home and then knelt down and just put your face against her tummy? Like, not in the house, but just like... Near the house, yeah. Come on. Front porch all the time, yeah. I also love that this shot is a binocular shot, but she's not using binoculars, including a zoom moment. So we're supposed to think this lady was just

like, and now in hands. So what we're learning though is God loves her now, right? He let her have a kid. So, and so what we're learning though is God loves her now, right? He let her have a kid so she's a she's a woman that matters now. And I wrote in my notes, I was like, shouldn't she be white and delightful then? I mean, right? That's... It's a process, Noah. It takes time. So, so the sister now, Mygonna is sitting there, she's wondering, she's like, should I turn my sister in now to Aaron or should I? I'm super conflicted. And then we pan over to Kohar, the guy who got caught on the other side of the B wall. Oh my god, this pan, this is a, like, you see Myagana is like, full frame.

And then it zooms past her head and what you didn't see was 40 feet behind her is a tiny floating head in the bushes just staring strangely and then oh shit turns out those were just bees i don't know why you can walk right past them. Actually, as it turns out, it was one of those things where you say goodbye to someone and then you're both walking to your cars in the same direction. I just didn't know if it was okay for me to so start so that he starts to run off. Core starts to run off the rest of the show from back here.

Uh, audience, Eli is looming. You still haven't done that spin, no illusions. They haven't clapped loud enough. So, but then the sisters, like the co-hor runs away, but in slow motion. It's really silly. And the sis is conflicted. I think, it's hard to tell because she's a terrible actor, but I think she's conflicted as to whether or not she should turn her sister in right all of this actresses choices for the latter

Half of this movie were angry. I'm in the movie. Yeah, right Her and Billy Zane both let me tell you so that night Beth she was walking around in the dark when her sister pops out of the woods to reveal herself, right? So they have this comp this moment where she's like, I can't believe you're fucking a knee fight She's like he's a good knee fight. It's like there's no such thing as a good knee fight She's like I found happiness here and listen I learned to use grammar and syntax. Yes. I have conjunctions Articles She says I'm gonna kill your knee fight lover and she says if you have to if you were gonna kill him

You'll have to kill me first and then they hug terrible idea never challenged somebody to kill you and then hug them right no it's what I do you'll get inside their head it's one of those moments where they almost had stakes to the movie and then they just deflated like I'm gonna kill him no don't okay no stay here I'm thinking Moroni might be cool with like a like a sister sister you have not seen other Moroni let me let me tell you he does have a brother how do you feel about flashcards they're kind of his foreplay so so but apparently co-hours

runoff now and he's told Aaron all about everything. He's told Billy Zane where she is. So then we cut to Billy Zane with his group just fucking hopping his way through the woods, man. This guy is not in great shape for the outdoors shots. And again, he's supposed to be king of the Lamanites. I don't know why he's leading the search party. Of like six people, right?

So then, like one of the, there's a girl with, a white girl with dreadlocks. That's how we know that she's still a savage. Right, yes. It is though, it is. So she's like... Let's see, there's a group of authentic Blackfoot actors and someone we met at Bonnaroo.

She says she cured her own kidney infection, but I think she might be psychotic. Her raps are actually pretty good. Have you heard them? Two Instagram addicted people really get that joke. Okay. Thank you. Okay, there you go. So, everyone else is like, I don't get it.

But so she says, white dreadlocks lady, she says, can't we take a quick break? And Billy Zane turns back and he says, yes, you can rest forever. And he slits her throat. So fucking dumb. And we haven't talked about this yet. We haven't talked about Billy Zane's wandering accents.

He just gives us a fucking tour of the world. It's me, King of the Lamanites. This is a fucking tour of the world. Oh my God. It's me, king of the Lamanites. Listen. It goes Irish halfway through. There's some Scottish. He lands on pirate at the end.

Oh yeah. He's so wasted by the end. He's just pious. Fuck it, I don't know, Jewish. I'm a rabbi. Arr, Lamanites. At one point he's like, now I'm just, I'm no big city king.

I'm just a down home king. A simple down home king. I'm just a down home king. A simple caveman king. So. And Pacino. Yeah, right, and also with Pacino occasionally. But we should also point out,

because he goes back and he slits her throat, but he does it off camera, right? Then we walk up, he walks up with a knife, and then we just cut to like a close-up of his face going, eee, gotcha. No blood, nothing. They didn't have bear money, they didn't have falling down money. They didn't have, in a minute they're not gonna have grabbing money, okay? We're about to get to that. So, but right after he kills White Dreadlocks lady, the sister comes in, and they, and he goes, she goes, I was just about to tell you guys where she was.

I didn't get a chance to. Oh yeah, I just totally remember my sister's over there. Oh, you guys are here, cool. I was about to tell you. I was going to say it. Did you see that wall of bees? That was crazy. Yeah.

Goes forever. Yeah, so, but then we cut back to Merlin. He's he's whittling, okay, he's whittling a little animal and it's so, he's so bad at it that we all have a different goddamn animal in our notes. I have horse and Heath has chest set and and Eli has wolf. I think it actually was supposed to be a wolf that's good it's pretty good call I when I first saw it I thought it was a horse which would have been an astounding bit of apologetics considering that like the Book of Mormon has horses in it and the Americas not they did not know but no it's so he's whittling this little thing the bad guys meanwhile are

assembling at the mouth of the cave, right? And so they're all like gathering together, like organizing how they're gonna go get her. They do the SWAT hand signs? Yes. Wait, you pointed forward, is that go? Yeah. Fuck. Okay.

Did you mean we're all gonna go Billy Zane? Also, like they're sneaking up on just her. She's doing Ops-Eckron. Are you doing who? There's eight armed men against a housewife. Also, like they're sneaking up on just her. She's like- You're doing OpSec wrong. Are you doing who? There's eight armed men against a pregnant chick. Housewife. Yes, right.

But then he sends them off to go kidnap her. This movie has so little of a budget that we just watch the sister react to it. They literally don't have run up and grab her money because they all, I I'm sure couldn't get insured for that. Oh no no no. Because that would count as stunt work. They filmed that shot. They spent many hours trying to film that and when they went back and looked at it was like oh that's not gonna be okay. Can we just zoom in on the sister? I did not that was not okay.

We should not have let Billy Zane tackle that woman. That was not okay. We should not have let Billy Zane tackle that woman. Does he have a ball out or not? I think he might. She has a ball out at this point. So we got Barone walking back. He's got his little, this shitty little fucking whittled horse. He gets back to the cave and we see him like react to some horrible thing that he's just seen right he drops his little piece of paper or

whatever and he's looking at her dead body strung up by the cave mouth we're looking at her feet right and her feet are at his eye level which was like he goes up and he caresses her feet and he's so sad and it was like he does Tarantino would have been proud. He sure do. He sure do for a while. Yeah but she's hanging from the tree because they didn't have refrigerators back then. I'll put each of the Oh, woe is me. He's working him like an ear of corn. Fuck. I want to be mad at you. I know a fellow pervert when I see a fellow pervert. Noah's turning the alerts back on. I have a mute button right there.

So he licks your feet for a second. And then immediately, like he mourns for a four count. And then he turns around and he's like, Aaron, show yourself. Yeah, that that is the toxic masculinity just flowing through his veins. Because yeah, it's three seconds of mourning. And then revenge is all he cares about. Like, the dead woman, forget about it. We're going, I got men to fight.

Yep. Yep. So Aaron pops out, he's been waiting for the yell, I guess, the whole time. So he pops out and he starts doing the stupid, like he's like, I have long awaited the time when it would come that I would find the last, and he fights general. And Billy Zane is in a vastly different movie.

Yes. Than everyone else. Yes. Right? Like Pirates good. Because he's real good at like Pirates of the Caribbean 97. Sure. Right?

He's like, hey Jack Sparrow, what's up? Did you see I killed your wife? I feel like he got the note taken serious every take. Is it possible he didn't know he was in a movie? Like you thought maybe it's like an amusement park? From his scotch nap and they were like, Billy Zane, you killed that lady and he was like, oh, what did I do this time?

How about this Phantom signed poster? You'll notice the very real microscope in the corner. That was a part of that film. So yeah, so he's standing there like challenging Aaron to a fight. And Aaron decides, he's like, you know what, I actually, I do want to fight you, but we've got 20 fucking minutes left in this movie to fill. So how about I fight you tomorrow?

And he's like, yes, I need time to bury my wife and my unborn son. So they're like, all right, we'll have the final battle in 24 hours. I love that he said son because it's like she was like three weeks pregnant. That thing was still a tadpole. What are we talking about? How the fuck do you know son? Although I wrote that note not knowing what was coming. Yes. Yes.

We are rapidly approaching one hour, 14 minutes and 10 seconds. I want to bury my wife. And the grain of rice. Yes. Yes. So yes, that sexual moment with the feet, it's about. Yes. So yeah, so- That sexual moment with the feet, it's about to get, sound like that, but get worse. Yeah. So, so yeah, so Billy Zane is like, this time tomorrow, anything at all will finally

happen. So who are? So that night- Okay, so we cut to him in his cave. We're at one hour, 14 minutes, and four seconds, y'all. We're there, we're there. So we cut to him, he's got his wife, like his dead wife, she was laying on the, they got married at some point, we didn't mention it because it's stupid.

She's laying there on the altar or whatever. She's naked, no reason, I don't know, like that's kind of like, we take, dead people are naked because we do autopsies and shit, it's just like not the natural state of them, but that's not the problem that I have with it. My problem is that we see him reach down to her and grab this- You're not ready! You're not ready! You think you are. He grabs this tiny little fetus hand. This pinky sized fetus hand and he holds it and he cries over it. You know those little hands that you put on like one finger and it's like a novelty thing? Yes! Yes! It's that. Now!

I screamed so loud my dogs came to rescue me. That's not a joke. That's that. Now. I screamed so loud, my dogs came to rescue me. That's not a joke. That's real. Alright. Let us consider a moment the logistics of this. So he takes his wife down, cuts her open, moves the organs around a bit, right, finds the uterus, carefully cuts that open so as not to open the baby that's oriented so the hands are facing out or that's one theory or Billy Zane set it up like coato and had it all and the fetus was

hanging and was just right there could let me I'm gonna ask you guys like rope and then like yarn and dental or the cord it would be the be the cord stupid once again is it possible that he put his hand through her he pulled his hand through the cervix Oh Jesus we're into the vagina I've just we're just trying to work it out we're workshopping okay you know those things that you send people way into the air and the pool maybe he did that to her. Maybe he just like... And the baby just shot her. And like, whap! Oh, listeners at home, I have never been happier

that you cannot see the visual gangs here. And then it zipped up down the wall. All right, I take that back. Audience at home, you just missed a fetal, wacky wall walker joke. You should have come to the live show. That's the name of my Rush cover band. We're playing at the Y this Thursday. I think that's a uterine wall walker.

I think the point here that we're all trying to make is that this is a very touching, tender moment. Oh my god So now April April messaged me at one point during which she was watching this movie and gave me what would have been a really good Best worst which would have been best worst swelling strings, right this entire movie. Well, whenever there's good guys There's swelling strings whenever there's bad guys. There's evil drums, right? so we get the I guess the crescendo of the strings that have been swelling this entire fucking time.

And then we cut to Moroni praying. And essentially his prayer is, what the fuck, man? I thought we were going to cut to him whittling a tiny little coffin. Like a little, just matchbox coffin. He's got one of her feet on his shoulder. Just stitches a pocket into his tunic. Also, by the way, there's this great moment,

because the sister is standing in the cave with him the whole time, while he's cutting her open and grabbing the little fetus hand or whatever. Oh, a mahi-mahi, according to Billy Zane most recently. Yeah, right, yeah, exactly. Magigin or whatever. She's standing there, and he says to her, he turns to her, and he's like, would you mind stepping out so that I can mourn? And she's like, yes, I would.

I'm not going any fucking way. As long as you're here with my sister's naked dead body, I'm not going any fucking way. I see how you look at feet, white man. There's a moment also where he's praying and he's screaming, take me with them. And I'm like, dude, you've got to fight tomorrow. Just lose. Right.

You're fine. This is the easiest. No effort. Minimal effort. Yeah. So then he I guess he goes the next day and he buries her by the by the river. This is but you don't bury someone by a river. Can I just give you all that? No, probably not. The greatest swat. And the guys call the cops real quick.

Probably not the greatest swat. Hey guys, call the cops real quick. Yeah. It's fine. It's fine. They'll never find her. I'm sorry. Dan did not have a joke. He was just like, that's fucking stupid, you're going to get caught.

Am I right? I'm checking his notes, he just says, be relatable about the murder thing. Bro, you're still in my city, I feel like you're treading on thin ice. I feel like this is dangerous. I mean, he knows how to get rid of a body, let me tell ya.

Yeah, now that the Salt Lake is evaporating, no, you're fucked, I'm just gonna say. No, maybe they will find him, that's for sure. Yeah. So, but now this- They're small, they're kids. Yeah. evaporate no you're fucked I'm not just gonna say no we'll find them that's yeah so but now this small their kids yeah so he buries the sister he buries the the wife he leaves a little pile of rocks there little pile of pebbles for the and then acorn yeah he says he turns to the sister again and he's like, all right, now I've buried her and you know I'm not going to try to fuck her, will you please give me a minute alone

now tomorrow? And she does. So that's when he runs off, right? He has to run off shirtlessly with his gold plates. Wait, no. She goes and comes back and he's not there and she's like, oh, I don't know where he was. And suddenly he emerges from the pool of water like he's at least holding up

the gold plates, like full arms length and like he does Wim Hof. And I think that must be it. I think the cold plunges are what are giving him. It was like a really good Mormon Viagra commercial. Yeah. The plate. Yeah. Yes, yes. He had to feel like, the plates. Yeah.

He goes full frog man. He's been hiding them under the water. There was a sploosh in the movie and outside of the movie. Yeah, right? So okay, so now Moroni is running away with the plates. Don't worry, they don't weigh much. And Aaron comes to check on him, right, and sees the sis walking away, and she's like, I was just coming to tell you that he escaped again.

So he goes to strangle her, but he changes his mind, Billy Zane does, he's like, I can't strangle you because you're my best tracker. And Cohor goes, well, actually, I technically am the best. He's like, shut the fuck up, Cohor. No, no, Cohor, you thought bees were a wall, idiot. You know, when she was looking at him, I was looking at her just for the record.

So it gets late at night, so they have to set up camp. So then we cut to Moroni. This is the second time this has happened this year in Mormon Movie Month. We get a late third act walking montage as Moroni carries the plates away. Right? So he watched that for a while he finds the perfect spot in upstate New York to bury him. Which is amazing he looks down and he sees a bright green rectangle. It turns

out to be a mossy rock but I really thought that that area was supposed to like the area where he was supposed to hide the plates got magically highlighted for him like when you hover over an item Right warm in the video game on easy mode. He's like come on The breastplate of righteousness is here and then you put the plates disappears like a Minecraft block Yeah, right. So so now he goes to bury it But I guess this is also where the the of the Nephite armor was buried. So he's got his chest plate and he's got his sword now too.

And as he's putting this shit on, I wrote my notes, I realized, okay, this entire thing was just an excuse for this man to wear armor and swing his sword around, right? We should have introduced this guy to Cecil, we could have avoided this whole goddamn movie. It was so much fucking easier. So, and then we get to very quickly finishing the Book of Mormon, because one of the problems with the Book of Mormon, of course, is that it ends at a point where, and then I died, basically, right? So they have to have him finishing the Book of Mormon

like eight seconds before he dies. So he finishes it. This is where he says, Joseph, Joseph of the old world will know Joseph of the new world. Yes, yes. It all brings that full circle. And I just can't get over the image that it's upstate New York, that it's me and Heath's hometown.

Right. I wanted it to pan back and there's just some meth heads rooting for the meth. Two little league dads fighting. We call our sandwich the speedy. Not now! I literally thought, like suddenly I had the image of like Moroni's ghost Just waiting around in that area for 1400 years Hoping a guy named Joseph shows up

Give each other hand jobs They leave porn. He's like he's not pronouncing it. Yo, Seth, but I guess it's close enough I'm gonna let the devil give this kid a seizure and then I'll jump right in. As a Mormon deep cut, see? Yeah, there you go. If I did that at a Texas show, they'd be like, shut up! So then we cut, like, I guess he passes out. At this point, he puts his arm around and then falls asleep.

So we cut to him waking up the next day in a field and he glows over, he sees the hunting party that's looking for him, right? He sees the evil Lamanites. And I guess the sister is tracking him, but she's trying to lead him away now. She's on his side or, I don't know, fuck it, it's stupid. She's like-

But it doesn't matter because the minute he wakes up, he's like, hey Aaron, let's do a big final fight. Well, and then the funniest fucking thing that hap, well okay, the second funniest thing that happens in the movie happens, right? Cause he goes, freedom, he yells freedom in Hebrew, and then he runs away. That's the best.

It's like freedom, nut check, run away. It's so good. Fuck it. I laughed so fucking hard. It was so fucking funny. And he's very clearly doing the speech from Braveheart. Yes. But I'm pretty sure that they talked him out

of the Scottish accent because that's Billy Zane's and he doesn't speak Scottish. Yeah, right, right, exactly. It just seems really fun. So now he's running through the woods. We caught back up with the beginning of the movie, right? This is where we started with him running around in his sandals going oochie-oochie and stuff.

And then we get to the point where there was almost going to be a sword fight, remember, and the scene ended. Now we're going to get that fucking sword fight that we have been waiting an hour and 45 minutes for and... Toe stab! That's done. It's done. It's over.

It's kind of funny because he runs up a hill and I'm like, dude, when it's eight to one, I don't think higher ground is gonna. Yeah, right Not even left-handed oh shit you're behind Well, I love to they like when they start doing this choreography He keeps like ducking out of moves that the stuntman didn't throw, you know He's just like we were supposed to do spear on the top laughs He said one and two and three. He killed two of those guys with Harry's. Yes he did! He did! There's a great moment and they die. There's a wrestle moment

and the two actors are both dressed in two little clothing right and these guys have been in BJJ class together for years so they're up yep but they feel their naked flesh touched and you see the gay fear end this like it's all we fit you we felt this fit together like two people I did back to back you know what you want to lock elbows yes so and also at a certain point he runs out of fight choreography and there's still like three guys and so he tries to talk them out of it. Oh. He's like time out time out. We're why are you fighting for Billy Zane? He can't even pick a fucking accent.

Yeah. Right. But then they end the fight in the most glorious possible way which is I mean I'm pretty sure that the fight choreographer just quit in the middle of the fight. Because they cut to well basically basically just said we'll just stay say that I killed everyone while the camera went behind a tree yes yeah yeah and then so the cohort the henchman number two finally gets the best of him and he's about to he takes this club and he gets like three inches from Moroni's

head and Billy Zane walks in and he's like stop and you know how you can stop a club a fatal club swing three inches shy of a person saying, yeah he does that. This is by the way the moment where Billy Zane's accent has gone full Tom Hardy Bane. Yes. It's amazing. Oh the great Rona! And then he turns to when he's like, Billy Stain's character is like, I bet you're too chicken to bait me on Fox News, aren't you? He goes, you're only winning

because you've got that armor. And Ronan says, no, I'll take off my armor. I don't need armor. He's a fucking idiot. And they start, like they're doing their back and forth banter or whatever. And they have this amazing, they seem to think that this is the

bring the house down fucking line from Moroni. He goes like, you know, why do you fight, blah, blah, blah, and he goes, and I quote, peace is better than war. So is the guy who just killed a bunch of dudes. Yeah, right, right. And then he goes, fucking Billy Zane goes, but war is better than tribute or peace is better. It just gets worse from there.

It was weird. He said, yeah, Billy Zane said war is better than tribute? Like, as a question? Well, at this point, Billy Zane's looking down at the script he has on his wrist plate thing. Like, he's a quarterback who doesn't know the plays. Yeah, right, right, exactly. He has no idea.

I feel like he was trying to start a word game. Like he thought the next thing was going to be like, tribute is better than taxes. Taxes is better than tribute is better than war is better than peace. And I'm going to take an apple. He knows. So yeah, so we get that. peace and I'm going to take an apple. So yeah, so we get that and then he like stands there dramatically almost falling over but doesn't quite.

He offers Aaron one last chance at peace. He says, my God demands that I offer you one last chance before I kill you. Which is the best thing to say when you're obviously losing. That is always... I want to say if I'm ever the villain in that position. I'm totally saying yes I'm gonna be like oh, yeah, I killed your wife and your unborn son. Yeah, no I great truce. Yeah Nice to meet you neighbor And then the block party and Then we get this like this like clearly they made this movie for us.

This, I didn't realize it until we got this fucking line because he says, God told me to give you one last chance. And then Billy Zane angrily yells, There is no God! To be fair, he was on the phone with his agent at the time. Was that the moment he realized he was in the movie? Yeah right right. Oh my god. Is this shit Mormon? Billy they're gonna rap you at the end of day so um you've been in a Mormon film this entire time. There is no God! So then the two of them have their big

sword fight and it's one of these like we can't do more than two whacks per cut kind of sword fights it's just fucking awful. This is an authentic replica but the guy said I would void the warranty if I hit it against yours. But he loses right? Moroni loses, Kohor jumps in and helps out and so now Billy Zane is standing there with his sword over Moroni's throat but he's got a monologue for a little while. And Sister, the maigana, just shoots Billy Zane and the other guy

with arrows and kills them. Now, I would like to talk about the context of this. Yes. Because this was almost the greatest movie ever made. He's got the sword, Billy Zane's got the sword on Hot Sex Man, and he's like, I'm gonna dig up your wife and your fetus son, which is a fucking funny-ass image

first of all and so fucking hot sexy man goes Jesus No, no, no, wait wait because remember he has to pronounce everything over And then Billy Zane and cohort gets shot and if the camera had panned over and Jesus Christ was standing there with a crossbow in camo with a mess pipe in his pocket and a sword in his mouth yeah oh my god man I tell you this though you had a speedy yet they're actually pretty good. Are we pretty close to Butler, Pennsylvania? I got to do a thing after this.

God was so close. Oh, so close. So yeah, but now of course, at one point, Moroni said to Billy Zane that I would, before I draw my last breath, I shall run you through with my sword. So Billy Zane's not quite dead, right? They shoot him to like the 90% dead thing that they do with bad guys very often. So Moroni can come up and stab him and make his thing right, right?

So he goes, he says, this is for Bathsheba, and stabs him. And then the movie is not over yet. I'm so pissed at this ramp up scene. I was so mad, because there's only like four minutes of credits in this fucking movie, right? You're like, oh, we're seven minutes away, this has to be the end, god damn. All of our notes are like, oh, come on!

Really? You're done. And she turns, my gana turns to him and she says, you are the hunted one, but you are hunted no more. And he's like, I got stabbed to death. Yeah, right. Why would that fucking matter to me at this point? He's like, I just thought maybe it would be nicer.

Just making conversation. You could die a little faster. But just then he looks and he can see a ghostly image of Bathsheba along with his son who is seven years old for some fucking reason. Nine and the whitest and delight-sum-est of all of the children. Yep, yep.

Can I say something brave? She's doing too sexy a beckon for their child to be there. Yes. Cause the fetus is there and she's like. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, listeners at home, you are missing Eli's sexy beckon. And the kids just sort of sitting there being like, I'll say hi too. So and okay, so then he dies and honestly, if Eli had snuck into this movie and they'd

accidentally cast him and he got to do this death scene, it would not have been sillier. This man might as well have to have his legs in the fucking air at the end of this thing. It was so goddamn goofy. And then of course, an eagle flies overhead, because that means freedom, remember? There's a her.

This was the moment where I realized, because the sister, Mahagana, is the only person left standing, and I was like wait did she plan all this? Is this? She's kind of Yeshua based on... She's the ruler of all of Lamanites now. Right she walks away and her fucking limp goes away or whatever yeah. A hundred? I love it. This movie is a prequel to Apocalypto. I keep telling you that.

So, but then, but the sister, she meditates to learn about real guys. She throws away her arrows because she's done with that violent life. Keep in mind that she used those to hunt for food. So. And then we get this very long title card about how God is sorry he missed our call, but our call is still very important to him. Right. It's this quote from some bullshit thing that Joseph Smith wrote about how Jesus came to America

after he died, and he really probably should have got us a little sooner than that or something. So and then, OK, then the title cards come up. It says, Moroni's record is believed to have been discovered in 1823 in Palmyra, New York. And I'm like, define believed. Some people believe it.

Yeah, yeah. And it, yes, occasionally believed. And then he says, it was translated. Stuffy in that hat. And then this is the silliest goddamn, I imagine the exmos have heard this one before. I had never heard this before. It says it was translated and is now considered the fourth most influential book in American

literature according to the Library of Congress. We're number four. We're number four. We're number four. We're number four. We're number four. What is that? The fucking- number four! We're number four! We're number four! We're number four! We're number four!

We're number four! We're number four! We're number four! We're number four! We're number four! We're number four! We're number four! We're number four!

We're number four! We're number four! We're number four! We're number four! We're number four! We're number four! We're number four! We're number four!

We're number four! We're number four! We're number four! We're number four! We're number four! We're number four! It's America's- I'm so glad Russia didn't get to compete this year. So, like, first of all, I looked for this list. I could not find any list anywhere where the Library of Congress said the Book of Mormon. It listed it amongst the most influential works in American literature, but like, it's the only holy book, right? It's the only American holy, how are you number four?

Also, it's beaten by shit like Hawk Quinn and fucking The Grapes of Wrath. Yeah, fucking Sweet Valley High. Yeah, like come on guys. What the fuck? In fairness, Judy Blume is a pretty awesome writer. No you're right. Yeah, so it's pretty good shit.

Alright, well- Are you there Alma? It's me, Margaret. Alright, well that is- Are you there, Gaw? It's me, Margaret. Oh, that's- yeah, that's it. You had it.

You guys can leave. We're going to workshop. Alright, well that is... Are you there? Call, it's me, Mark. Oh, that's it. Yeah, that's it. You had it. You guys can leave. We're going to workshop. Alright, well that is where the movie mercifully ends, although we get some amazing credits

in the movie as well. Yeah, I counted the number of executive producers on this movie, which in this case probably just means people who gave him money. Right, right. If a movie has 48 executive producers. Okay, all right, so here's what I counted. I counted people whose last name was Young. It was also 48, yeah.

All right. Not genocidal enough, that's my only note. So all right, well that's where the movie mercifully ends, but that is not where we're going to end because we still need to offer you the Breakfast Club clothes. Mormonism went dormant for centuries, but then the golden trapper keeper got discovered in upstate New York and the religion re-emerged like a 1400 year locust infestation to dominate the world. What we need is some fucking seagulls right now, right? Yeah.

So Bathsheba met Moroni in heaven leading to a very uncomfortable moment when she asked him, Did you cut into my dead body to mess around with our fetus? The fuck were you doing with my feet? Moroni was in heaven for a solid three weeks before he remembered that he already had a dead wife and kids. Moroni's fetus couldn't reach any of the fun swings in heaven. Thank you Salt Lake City! Yeah! ["The Last of Us Theme Song"] Can I tell you guys a funny story? It's like three Mormons standing out there.

This leads outside this door right here. I stand out here, I'm stepping out here, there's three fucking Mormons standing here. And so I opened the door a little bit more so they can hear this song. They're standing there going, did she just say, did she just say, oh. What did I tell you about the contemporary art, Sharon?

I warned you when you let them paint with oils, this is the inevitable next step. I think I saw a Jew in there, and I'm not exaggerating. I knew one would get in. The wolf urine didn't work at all. I knew one would get in. The wolf urine didn't work at all. I flicked it. All right, all right, we're gonna get you one more fake one here, all right? Shut the fuck up. You're supposed to be muted.

You said you wouldn't say that to me at the fuck up. You're supposed to be muted. You said you wouldn't say that to me at the live show. Is this because I'm not the fuck I didn't bro. So the preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2024, all rights reserved.