God Awful Movies - 473: Infinite

Episode Date: September 10, 2024

This week's episode was recorded in front of a live audience at the Crystal Ballroom in Boston, MA. And in honor of our host city, we broke down Infinite, starring Boston's 23rd favorite son, Marky Mark. === Get tickets to see us live in Nashville, Tennessee on December 7th. If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/

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Well, it's the opposite. Yeah, exactly. An organ receiver, but yes. Don't, if you, if you, no, if you give me an applause rig, I'll keep that shit in the show. Don't do that. They're trying to cremate me, but I won't like cause I'm wet.

Oh shit. Oh shit. God awful movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movies! Welcome to Dead Oval Movies, live from Boston!

I will say, so far this city is way better than New Yorkers make it out to be. So this is of course the podcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema because otherwise I'd have suffered through Boston traffic for nothing. Can one fucking road go straight to anywhere in this fucking city. Anyway, I'm your host, No Illusions, and joining us from stage right, please give it up for my good friend, Heath Enright. ["Heath Enright!" crowd cheering and chanting, "'Heath Enright!' ["Heath Enright!" crowd chanting,

"'Heath Enright!' ["Heath Enright!' Hello. Yes. Boston. Awesome. Feel comfortable. Racially. A lot of white people. A lot of racist guys kind of like smiling at me like, we got the same phobias, right? Made me feel uncomfortable, but comfortable. All right, all right. And of course, also joining us also from stage right,

please welcome my bad friend, Eli Bosnik. For the listeners at home. Are those fucking Red Sox? This is the advantage to not being a sports fan is I'm a Red Sox fan tonight. Yeah! I have never been more. Red Sox. Red Sox. Red Sox.

Super Bowl of 2003 or whatever that thing is that makes you sad. I have never been more... Red socks! Red socks! Red socks! Super Bowl of 2003 or whatever that thing is that makes you sad. No, that was nothing. Red socks! So, for the listeners at home that can't see, Eli is wearing very little, but there are red socks on it somewhere. Yes, please go put clothes on. He's changing. So...

Wonder what sexual Yankees think. Yeah, right, right. So, okay, so I wanted to, while Eli was getting dressed, I wanted to share with you guys the most Bostonian thing I saw while I was here today. A listener by the name of Will was gracious enough to give us a tour of Downtown Boston. Thank you so much, dude

It's very cool. We saw a lot of old graveyards. We saw the Boston cops slide, which was fun But the most Bostonian thing I saw we walked by this store and there was a sign on it that said and I quote This establishment will not be responsible for patrons exiting through the windows This establishment will not be responsible for patrons exiting through the windows. So that's like fucking Hemingway's six words right there. What a story that tells. Holy shit. Some weird shit happened there and they had to put up a sign. We keep getting sued because people keep falling through the fucking window.

You know what we need? A sign. Okay, real quick. Most Boston thing I saw. Driving in to Boston with Ann, we're on the highway, see a highway billboard, one of the ones, the digital ones,

the changes, so it says some, you know, Red Sox or something like, woo, like 500 record, it's going to be great. Something like that. And then as we're passing it, yeah, you know, Red Sox or something like, like 500 record, it's going to be great. Something like that. And then as we're passing it, yeah, they're doing great. They're one game over. It's awesome.

Jersey over there. Okay, so we pass the sign. Right as we're passing it, it switches from Red Sox to the word Auschwitz. Oh, Jesus Christ. It does. It does. So our life experience was red socks, something, something, Auschwitz, wow, and we're past it now and we don't get the rest of the context. You can't have a rotating billboard that has Auschwitz on it. I feel like the red

socks should get a discount, right? Like there's like a refund partial or the thing before and after should be like hey there's about to be an ad for I don't think it was an ad we'd like to apologize for what you just saw which was out switch. So tell us Heath. Wait, no, that was a good intro to the Sparkle Donkey ad. Is it? Sparkle Donkey Tequila, the only tequila that burns the pot here. We stopped advertising with you all motherfuckers

for a reason, so, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. You are still, they're not advertising on this show, but they still love us and we love them back. So tell us Heath. Yes. Yes. Wait, they didn't give us money for this show? That was just for tequila in general. Hey, get on your fucking game Sparkle Donkey.

So tell us Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Infinite. We did. Who also watched Infinite? Oh, fuck yes. Okay. More exciting than normal for our movies. This was awesome. It's the story of us wanting for our live show in Boston

to do a movie starring the amazing model slash actor slash white rapper Marky Mark. Obviously for Boston, right? But then having to convince Eli that we can't do the one about the marathon bombing. Any other one. We had a fight.

A fight. It was long and protracted. I said some things I'm not proud of. I know you did. Morgan? Yeah. But that's how we found this gem of a movie. It was like look up Marky Mark movie, no not

that one, any other one, great. And here we are. And it was great. It was pretty fucking good. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love Marky Mark, but you wish he spent more time repeating the beliefs of your wooey aunt's last Facebook post

before she closed her crystal shop for those health code violations, you will love this movie. Yeah, this movie wasn't very Christian, but it was very religious. We'll get there. But before we do, is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to go with best worst.

Extremely dangerous message. Yes. So the message being medication from your mental health professional is preventing your superpower that you have. Yep. Yep. And, and they may say it's a diagnosis of schizophrenia, but

they also just might really be after you too, is the subtext of all of it. Maybe they're part of a dark enclave of evil immortals. That's right. Yeah. Right. The only way to tell is to chew off their face. Right yeah, right the only way to tell is to chew off their face

So I was gonna go with best worst Frankenstein's monster of shit from other action movies Right like there was not an original thought anywhere in this film Yeah, fast and furious. It's so many of them total recall matrix It's every action franchise from like the last 30 years being reincarnated Yeah Thank you people who saw the movie which is like most people yeah by like an ancient magical process It's called copyright infringement. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, there you go. That's how they did it. And I'm not gonna spoil it, I'm just gonna say best worst plot destroying sci-fi thingy. It is, it is no Thanos's glove, no. I'm so excited to talk about it. Yes, me too. Alright, well we've

got Marky the fuck Mark on the other side of this break, so we're gonna keep it brief and we'll be back in a minute with all the dangerously rendered cliches that are... infinite. Okay, what about Jay Crimmins and Associates? Oh yeah, that's my lawyer. So keep that one. Hey Eli, hey Boston lady, what So keep that one. Hey Eli. Hey Boston lady. What are you guys doing here?

Eli's helping with my money stuff. Yeah, she stole my credit card again, so I thought at least I could do, right? She has a lot of subscriptions she's not using. Nah, I just sell them to the kids at the Boeing alley. No, those are prescriptions. Oh right, yeah, okay. If you want to get rid of your old subscriptions without the hassle, you should try Rocket Money. What's Rocket Money?

Really? Boston Lady is on the sheet? That's what Heath gets for missing a show. I guess so. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps to lower your bills so that you can grow your savings. And all it costs is a baby you found. They ain't asking questions.

No, it's not that. Rocket Money will even try to negotiate lower bills for you by up to 20%. All you have to do is submit a picture of your bill and Rocket Money takes care of the rest. They'll deal with customer service for you. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in cancelled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all the app's features. Wow, that sounds great. Stop wasting money on things you don't use.

Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to RocketMoney.com slash Awful Movies. That's RocketMoney.com slash Awful Movies. RocketMoney.com slash Awful Movies. Oh, I know. Thanks. And, sorry, did I hear you say you had a subscription to your defense attorney? Yeah, trust me, it's way cheaper that way. Yeah, I guess I believe you.

Alright, everyone, welcome to the first ever Writers Room meeting for the new Marky Mark vehicle. Um, it's Mark Wahlberg, guys. I don't go by Marky Mark anymore. Sorry, you can't once be Marky Mark and then later expect anyone to take your name seriously. Yeah, that's true. You can't. You guys sound like the judge.

Can I say that? Now, I think we can all agree that the most important thing we can do for this movie is try to set up a sequel that doesn't Actually have to have any of the expensive actors in that one But can still trade in on the name recognition that this film creates. No, I think there's one more important thing than that guys and And what's that Markey? Mr. Wahlberg? I than that, guys. And what's that, Markie? Uh, Mr. Wahlberg? I'll meet you halfway to Mr. Mark.

Fine, I'll take Mr. Mark. But I think the most important thing we could do with this movie is remind people that sometimes when psychiatrists say you're crazy, you're not, and you really do have superpowers. I'm sorry, what? I'm just saying, sometimes the shrinks are all like, oh, you have violent ideation, you need to take your medicine and you're like, but medicine interferes with my ability to

bend space time with my mind. I'm gonna go out for coffee. Dude, don't you dare leave me with hip... What? Didn't hear you. Sorry. Also, I feel like our movie should emphasize that sometimes the person who's saying, I'm not schizophrenic, I really do have superheroes is right, you know

Yeah, sure, man Hey, what's that button you keep pressing under your desk do anyway? Not a goddamn thing apparently You pot Chinese And we're back! All right, thank you so much. And we're going to open this movie up in Mexico City where an entirely superfluous voiceover is going to explain the premise to us quick before we dive into our car chase. Keep in mind there are three separate voiceovers in this film, two of which are kind of explained because they're characters at certain points, but this first one is just like, the other two didn't make sense for this part of the movie.

Oh my god, so we should point out to right away that like 75% of the dialogue in this movie is exposition any fucking way, so there's never a reason for any of these voiceovers. Yes, we will have exactly this explanation speech later in the movie. Like they weren't watching dailies and they were like, ah fuck, did we do this already? So what the VO explains is that there are people in this world that have perfect memories of all of their past lives and they're called infinites, right? And there are two kinds of infinites, the good guys and the bad guys. The believers and the nihilists.

It's so dumb. Christian movie. It is a Christian movie. That counts. Yeah. I have a question that... Yes. I have so many questions.

I have a question that the movie, I don't think will ever answer. Why the fuck would that be a superpower? Okay, so yeah... To have memory? So we will spend the rest of this movie exploring all kinds of unforeseen benefits of having perfect recollection of your memories. Like you'll be able to do magic tricks and superpowers and fly and... And see into the future yes using

your past memories there's like fight choreography at one point they have memorized because of their past lives and then because this movie is this fucking stupid at a certain point even the past lives bullshit doesn't work so they're like and also this one guy's just fucking magic yes yes yep guy's just fucking magic. I don't know, man. Yes, yes, yep. He's just got. So, now we'll get there, but first they have to introduce

us to the dumbest goddamn MacGuffin that you've ever seen in your life. They're like, also, also, so good guys and bad guys. Bad guys want to destroy all life on Earth, and of course we're all like, wow, that doesn't, why would they want that? But then they say, but they have a new technology that'll allow them to do it

It's called the egg It's shaped like an egg And it's I feel like if you're making like world destroying technology, you're not gonna be like ergonomic with it You know, they will theme it later in the movie, which I deeply appreciate we could talk about it when it comes up but here at the beginning when they're just like, what do we call our everything destroyer? The... Eggs.

Eggs. Eggs. Are you saying that because I'm eating eggs right now? No. No. No. So, okay, so then a title card comes up and it says Mexico City, The Last Life.

And we get what I have to admit is a pretty fucking sweet car chase mm-hmm for like a while now we do see and this is gonna be important later as we're driving around in this in this Lamborghini we see the main character he's got a big slit in his tummy and he's cauterizing it with the cigarette lighter which apparently Lamborghinis have that same cheap-ass cigarette lighter that like Chevy's have. I thought they'd have something fancier.

But he's doing it. Yeah, like a fucking laser or something. Right, right. Even in the 80s. Little cigarette girl who pops out, can I get that for you? Yes. Yeah.

So. Butane torch. Yeah, right, something. Something, so okay, so he's on the run. There are cops chasing him that have machine guns mounted on the tops of their cars, like cops do, right? Well, actually, cops fucking do, yeah, they do, they do. You're right, no.

But there's also, now there's a helicopter chasing him too. Right, so he has to drive backwards. Oh, right. Because of the helicopter. The flip backwards move. Yes. So I was like, oh, he was in a bad movie in a past life. Right, right, yeah. Nice.

Nice. But then he does the brick thing. OK, the brick thing, admittedly. Which was fucking awesome. It was fucking awesome. OK, so one of the benefits. Oh, he was in a fantastic movie in a past life, too. So one of the benefits of having perfect recollection

of memories, as you might have guessed, is that it gives you the ability to slow down and then speed up when on brick roads in just such a way as to throw the bricks into the police officers chasing you. You know, it goes into slow time and we watch him kind of calculate it in his head. Okay, so if I'm a 30 degree skid there, okay, I got this. That's a sweet pile of loose bricks too.'m gonna circle back and grab these how are those there my dad's not taking them you know in my past life I hit a bunch of bricks around all the stairs so I could throw my cop right you never know that's gonna be useful so but this takes care of most of the cops

but the motorcycle cops get by right so? So he's still being chased, and damn it if the fucking bridge isn't out. But don't worry, he's gonna jump it. I wanna see a movie universe. There's no bridges that connect in movie universe. No, never, not one. That would be boring. This one's exciting.

150 foot gap. Yep. He's just gonna go for it. This one's exciting. 150 foot gap. Yep. He's just gonna go for it. Well, so he's, but he's not actually gonna try to jump the gap. That would be unrealistic. So, so what he's gonna do is he's gonna skid sideways just as he reaches the end of the bridge. He's gonna throw the door open. He's gonna chuck his samurai sword out of the bridge. He's gonna throw the door open and he's gonna chuck his samurai sword

out of the car. That's gonna make sense later. Yes, yes, right. Don't worry. We're gonna explain all this. Get serious. It's gonna hit a crane that just happens to be the height that he is and then he's gonna leap out of the car, grab onto the samurai sword and he's gonna save himself as the Lamborghini falls below him. Obviously. Watch this with Ann and Kai as this was happening. Kai began singing Jesus take the wheel. Oh nice. Nice. Very fun. That's a thin black sheet of glass. Yeah. So and we should point out that while he's doing this he's on the like the radio with his two partners, right? A man and a woman that are also driving around going like,

you'll never make it, you know, whatever, whatever. They're gonna come back later too. But just at this point, as he like grabs onto this crane with his sword or whatever, somebody comes along and T-bones that couple, right? And knocks them out, and they have an accident that would be fatal if it wasn't a movie, but it's a movie, so they're fine.

Also their vanity plate, I don't know if you noticed, it said infinito. Oh, nice. Cause they're in Mexico City. Yes, right. Seriously. Honey, we need to get the Spanish vanity plate. I don't want people to think.

Oh, we can't do infinites? Well, I don't want to seem like tourists. Do you want to? Should I put unos instead of eyes? Dos infinitos. I will say, I almost went with best best branded group of immortals. Yes! Because these motherfuckers, they put Kanye West to shame in terms of just like,

gonna let people know we're the secret society of immortals. Not enough secret societies are this good at their branding. And the anti-Semitism was similar to Kanye. So, okay, but the couple that just got t-boned, they're fine. I mean, not fine, right? They're banged up a little bit. But then the bad guy gets out of the car he just t-boned them with, and he pulls out this amazing awesome old-timey grenade launcher.

Oh yeah his steampunk gun. Yes. That he knows how to make. Hedgehog themed. Right. Yes. And he fires and it goes into slow motion so we get a good look at it. A glowy porcupine bullet.

Yeah. It's a cyberpunk bullet and a steampunk gun. It was kind of a fun gun. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. Like, pick a punk, I guess. But what do you get? Why does past memory give you futurey bullets?

I don't understand the tech. There's so much future technology they get from their past memories. So fucking weird. So yeah, but then the car explodes. And then we get fucking Marky Mark waking up out of a nightmare by sitting straight up. Hooray Marky Mark. This is such a jarring segue to Marky Mark

because it's like they die together in the truck and they get hit by the truck and they're like you know love conquers all. You ever get fucking deja vu? Yes. All of a sudden, Marky Mark cut and started. Because he takes over the voiceover. That's the weird part, right? Yes, yeah. He sits up and we've had a human who can talk the English language, right? No offense to your people, right?

But he's been like... He's been like the infinite's man against time. And now it's like, hey everybody, it's me, Marky fucking Mark. He might as well let you shut that fucking dog up. Like while he's doing the. So yeah, but he starts doing all this dumb, and this movie is gonna do a lot of this, but he's gonna do all this dumb like,

have you ever had a dream that was so real it felt like a memory? And he does a bunch of that stuff. and then the title card comes up and tells us that we're in New York City in this life. And he's going for an interview for a job at a fancy restaurant. He's going to interview for the major D at this restaurant. This is how we learned some backstory about him. The guy interviewing him says that or tells us that he attacked a customer at his last job heroically.

So he says, didn't you attack a customer? He's like, yeah, but he was messing with a waitress and I was just defending her honor. He goes, oh, well, if you were defending her honor, then obviously that's fine. He says, don't you also have a mental illness? And he goes, yes. And he's like, oh, I can't hire you then. Well, not only- Hey, that's the most realistic the movie will ever be.

Yeah, no, I'm with you. I'm with you. Not only we can't hire you, but like this whole meeting was a sham so that I could shame you for your mental illness and sit back in my chair and cross my legs and be like, really, mental illness in this day and age? You'll never work at this Bennegan's, Marcus Mark.

I don't think even the snootiest of snoot people arrange meetings during their lunch break just so they can be like, I don't want to hire you. I really wanted to see the scene after Marky Mark leaves that meeting where his friend turns to him and is like hey sorry why did you take that meeting it's just we only have I did this for lunch like now I have to eat while I'm doing my roll-up. I thought I could do a power move for Ben against him.

But right so but Marky Mark threatens to break his arm to show how mentally stable he is and then walks out. So and then of course the fucking the VO comes up to explain what just happened to us. But while he's the VO is explaining that the character is making himself a samurai sword. While talking about how broke he is. Yes. He's like I can't afford my psychological medicines. And I'm like, well, maybe cut down on your fucking smithing lesson. Well, no, but you know, free Smith at the Y that you're using.

No, but see, that's just the thing. He remembers how to make samurai swords from it. So it's only the raw materials that he's out for this sword. He remembers back when he was a Chinese guy. Yeah, starts beating himself up. It's him. That's how he's lost like half of his past lives. He wakes up Asian and he's like,

oh, I gotta do it again. Bap, bap, bap, bap, bap. Bap. And the BO's going as he's doing this, the BO's going, have you ever been good at things? Maybe it's because your past lives, right? And look, yeah, right, like if you just suddenly knew how to make a fucking samurai sword, maybe, but you know. Yeah, I feel like a few things, maybe samurai sword could be useful, but 99% would be extremely distracting if you were just constantly remembering past lives.

Right, how to castrate a pig or something, nothing but stone. Or you're just remembering dying during birth, like most people in history, or dying of rickets or toothache or whatever the fuck. Taking a difficult collar of shit. That's like all of history. Yeah, especially because they seem to have been doing this for like all of history. All of time, yeah. Right? So they're like, I feel like the infinites for the first thousand years of their history were just like, guys, we gotta figure out tooth brushing. We just really gotta get this down.

You just gotta wonder how embarrassed they are when they think back to their Australia Pith-a-Sien days. Like man, I threw a lot of shit. Oh my God. That's so embarrassing. Jesus. So I wrote my notes here though, like how hard can making a sword be?

I know a Mormon guy who figured it out just from looking at one real hard. So now, okay, we're gonna get to my favorite scene in the whole fucking movie because now he's gonna take his sword and he's gonna trade it for anti-psychotic medications at the movie drug dealers. I love movie drug dealers so goddamn much. And I love that these ones have fucking anti-psychotic medications too. Yes, yes. Which I love too. Stormy Desaisis, whopsychotic medications too. Yes, yes. Which I love too. Stormy Dysysus who's here with us today. Hi Stormy.

Thank you so much for all your help. Somewhere around here. Stormy Dysysus actually came up to us at Platinum Night last night and explained that they also use the dumbest possible anti-psychotic medicine. So if you know anything at all about this, as you're watching the movie you're going, well why the fuck would they be using a generic medicine from 1972 that gives you all these blood clots and shit? So fucking dumb. So I didn't know that. All I knew was this drug dealer is buying like legal drugs with his fucking blue cross blue shield that he has And then selling them to swordsmiths,

bartering them with swordsmiths, and I was like, this is the most American character. This is way too realistic. This was like the most realistic thing in the movie after I thought about it for a second. Yeah, no, because the girlfriend says, well, why don't you just get him at Dwayne Reed? And I'm like, because he's buying him with a fucking sword.

Right. Right? But then I realized, I'm like, there is no way in fucking hell that at some point in his life, Marky Mark hasn't tried to buy pharmaceuticals in a Dwayne Reid with a sword. So actually, yes, this is very realistic. Puts it up on the big high desk. Do you have any of those good RX coupons?

Also, why do I have to ask you for that? What hellscape has been created that I have to be like, could you please boop a peep and then my medicine's less expensive? Oh, you don't take host, okay, thank you. So, but the drug dealer here, the drug dealer, he's got his henchmen who, so apparently one of the benefits

of having perfect memory, of course, is that you know the fucking capital of Burkina Faso, right, or whatever. So the guy keeps asking him random trivia, but he knows everything, right, because Burkina Faso always had a capital. And it's like really weird, they keep calling them like Wikipedia,

because it's just the dumbest stuff to know from a bad slice. Right, he's like, what's gunpowder made of? And Marky Mark gets it wrong. I just. Doesn't he, he says like, it's 74% this, 13% that, end of sentence, and nobody's like, that's, how many percents do you think there are?

That was 87. They just skate right past it. But while he's doing this drug deal, the drug dealer's girlfriend is looking at him and she's checking him out because he's macky fucking mack, you know. And the drug dealer's like, are you looking at Marky Mark? And she's like, what? No, I wasn't looking at his dick. What were you looking at?

And so he's like, I'm going to chop your arm off with this samurai sword that I just got. Now I got to say, I just, because drug dealing, like it relies on repeat business. Yeah. Right? So I feel like this is not good for his bottom line. Okay. Here's the thing though. Best drug dealer I ever had, if he cut off someone's arm and I was still getting 50 bags,

I'd be like, hey man, this time when I come over, don't cut over. Yeah, just let me know. I will leave beforehand. Yeah, or do. Whatever. And don't cut any arms. But like, what was this drug dealer's plan for the rest of the night? Right?

Because there's going to be, there's blood everywhere and you're like, oh God. And then she's not dead. So she's're like, oh god, and she's not dead, so she's just like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, and then you've got to meet with Tito from the Hells Angels and be like, sorry, there's blood everywhere, my girlfriend looked at the guy from We Bought a Zoo, and I cut off her arm. I mean I murder her eventually,

but she like made it all over the place. It's like when a cat has diarrhea in here. I'm really... Jesus Christ. I did not think through my evening before I did this. Do you take swords? No, you don't take swords. The fucked up thing is that the reason we're gonna get

emails is because it was Matt Damon and We Bought a Zoo. Not any of the other shit that he just said. Not according to this AI picture I generated before the show. Noah told me that he saw that in my notes. He was like, hey, just so you know that's wrong. And I just generated Marky Mark in the poster of We Bought a Zoo. And that alone is a reason why AI should be stopped.

I don't know why anyone gave it to him. So anyway, so Marky Mark, because of course he has perfect recollection of his past lives, also has super speed. So as the guy goes to chop his girlfriend's arm off, Marky Mark dives in between, grabs the sword, cuts the finger, the trigger finger off the henchman who's been asking him trivia questions up till now, you know, because of the perfect memories. What memory was that? Where was a sword fight,

but you got the trigger finger of a gun guy? Yeah, yeah. I feel like you spend a few lives learning that, right? It's like you're an accountant in Wisconsin and you're like, okay, few lives learning that right? So like you're an accountant in Wisconsin and you're like okay this life I'm just doing karate and your wife and two kids are like you got to spend more time at home and it's like yeah see you later yeah yeah oh this is gonna be so good when I need this someday so yeah so he cuts the dude's finger off and he holds the drug dealer hostage long enough to get out and then they start shooting at him. But luckily one of the advantages of having perfect recollection of all your past lives is that you can cut goddamn bullets in half with fucking samurai swords as you're running away. So you can see behind you and cut the bullets.

He cuts bullets in half multiple times while, if you can cut bullets in half, you don't have to run away. You're just like, eh, eh, eh, now you don't have bullets. Or you get shot with twice as many bullets. Twice as many bullets, maybe that's what it is. Realistically.

Yes, honestly. Someone comes at you with a smaller caliber than you're prepared for, you're just like, ah, both nipples. Bitch. You're running around with the girlfriend. Ah. Some guy comes in for his usual crack.

I'll come back later. But he runs out. Two lines of Advil and antipsychotics together. I'm here for my insulin. Not now. But he runs out. Two lines of Advil and antipsychotics together. I'm here for my insulin. Not now! I brought none, Chuck. So, Marky Mark is running away.

He goes to climb this wall and he's almost away, but then he has this flashback, because he hasn't had his antipsychotics in too long, where he remembers that time he was in the opening scene of Cliffhanger. Right? Yeah. And that causes him to pass out, fall in a car, and get arrested. Okay, the fact that he did badly in this flashback was fun for me. Because I was like, okay, if he keeps flashing back to like,

embarrassing moments of failure... Sure. This is my favorite movie. That's how this power would go for me. I was going to say Heath already has this super power. It was just me like holding a door but then they don't use it and I'm... Fuck! And I have to go or like saying you too when it didn't make sense.

He's in a hallway with the bad guys and he's like I've got this. Oh, sorry. No, you go left, I'll go, oh no, you're left. I'm just kidding. This is stupid. Oh, podcast. There's a puppet of me in Canada. If you have a kid, I'll be its dad. I'll have an unofficial stepdad relationship with him.

Tell him I don't like labels though. Tell him I don't want it to be like... I don't want to make it weird. So then we cut... Wait, I didn't want to make it weird. So then we cut. So I didn't want that. Fuck. So then we cut to the secret good guy library where they're reading a police report about Marky Mark.

Right? And basically they're like, you know, they picked up a guy who had a sword that was forged using a technique that first of all you can get a hot enough fire for in a trash barrel in your fucking garage but also that hasn't been for in a trash barrel in your fucking garage, but also that hasn't been used in a thousand years.

It must be an infinite. Well, no, you know why he can't do that technique. It's because he used to be an Etruscan. I was the most respectful of the Etruscan references. I appreciate it. So yeah, so now also the guy who's, so there's this guy in this library, he's talking to someone on the phone about this and this guy for some reason has Star Wars hologram technology, right, because of the past memories that he can remember.

Right, but for no, it doesn't help at all. Like it's just, he's just looking at a sword. He's alone! He's alone- he's showing it to no- He's showing himself what a sword is while he talks on the phone about the sword. If my notes were 3D letters right now that I had to walk around in a semi-circle,

it wouldn't be- I wouldn't be like, uh-huh, and then, oh, he looks weird, right? Big head on that actor, that's weird. He plays a Nazi in most movies I've seen him in. Is there a button to make it stop spinning? There is not. So yeah, so he's telling them all about it. And they're like, I think this is Treadway.

And the person he's talking to on the phone, the lady he's talking to, says, well, if we know it's Treadway, then the bad guys know it too, right? So, ugh, right? I was nervous too. So, we cut to Marky Mark in the interrogation room. And this is where we're gonna meet Chowdall Ejiofor, the bad guy in the movie.

The bad guy's name is Bathurst, which I'm gonna try to call him without ever saying bath house. I make no guarantees. Yeah, he's the head bad guy of the nihilists. And honestly, being bath house forever, I already get it. Like, I'm getting his motivation. So yeah, but he's an infinite.

He comes in with the sword. So one of the advantages of having perfect recollection of all your memories of a past life is you have ins with the police. They just let you talk to their people with, and you get to have swords. Which is nice. So he walks in and he turns to Marky Mark and he's like, hey, you remember the battle,

the siege of Syracuse during the second Punic War, by any chance? And Marky Mark's going like, no, I don't. And I only point this out because later, he will realize that this is not a normal police investigation interrogation type situation. So much later than that question, he'll be like, wait a second,

you're not a cop. Yeah, right. You're black. Black. Black. Black. Black. Black.

Black. Black. Black. Oh Jesus Christ, dude. Okay, here's, I need, can we talk about it? We need to talk about it. I don't think we should talk about it. Bathurst, Bathurst is black. And based on this movie, I think he's always black. Well, okay, because all the men are always men, all the women are always... And we see a couple of flashbacks.

Flashbacks of Bathurst, and he's black every time. Yes. And in Bathurst's defense, he's had like two lives where it hasn't absolutely sucked to be a black man. Like, I get where he's coming from, right? He's had like one life maybe where he hasn't been like, ah, damn, again! Jesus Christ. Marky Marks had way more time to practice karate,

is what I'm saying. Jesus. So yeah, so, but then Bathurst exposits a little bit, tells us about Marky Marks' history. Marky Mark was diagnosed as psychotic when he was 14 and carved the word, oh, we never mentioned this, but right before he died in the opening scene, car chase scene, he says to the guys,

he's like, if I don't make it, look inside. Right, that's the big clue he left. And when he was 14 years old in this lifetime, he carved the words look inside in his chest with a box cutter. There will never be a fucking reason why he would have done that, right? Like it's not explained in the movie at all.

Get a tattoo, what are you doing? Well, and the infinites don't later go like, and by the way, the way you first remember your past life is you carve it onto your thigh. No, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, everyone except for Marky Mark appears to just like be born and go like blblblblblbl, I'm not an accountant anymore.

Right, yes. Yes, exactly. So I guess I shouldn't have cut off that semi truck, huh? So now I'm a baby. Yeah, I got you. Bring me some metal, I'm going to make a sword. It's a little baby with his forge. Yes Sitting there with his arms crossed. I can't wait for rectal control Takes like a year for it to develop

Nope, I'm shitting right now. There's nothing I can do about it And bathers is like trust, it could be worse, man. It could be worse. So, okay, so now Bathurst is gonna start setting out some S&M gear in front of Marky Mark and they're gonna do the Dolly Llama test. I love how excited you got when I said S&M gear. This guy right here just lit right up.

He's like, I don't remember this part, fuck. So he starts setting out all this stuff and he's like, which of these was yours? You know? And one of the things is an old six shooter, which he's allowed to bring into the police department because, you know, he has perfect recollection of his past lives. And he takes all the bullets out but one and he spins it and he starts doing Russian roulette. And he's like, you know, unless you can tell me which of these belongs to you, I'm gonna shoot you. And this is where Marky Mark starts going, hey, wait a second.

I've seen some TV before where they do this. This is not how it goes at all, right? So he's like yelling at him, making him pick up things. He's like, does this belong to you? And he's just like, I don't fucking know, man. And then, because he's so stressed out, he starts having memories of the time that like, he used that sling when he was a generic Native American.

Mm. Oh. Yeah, no, it's great. Yeah, it's problematic. Whatever you're picturing, it's worse. Yep, no, it is. Because it's definitely what Marky Mark was like, and then I'm an Indian.

Yeah, right, no, it was 1930s Disney movie. Yeah. And so, and then... He made the noise in the writer's room. He did the, he made the noise. And they like brought him outside and they were like, hey, you can't make that noise anymore. If you want to describe a Native American person,

just like keep your hand completely away from your mouth, okay? Jesus Christ. Completely. So, but just that- This was the first time they stole from Minority Report of a hate crime. Yeah. Right, right. He was very confused what they meant by Minority Report.

Exactly. He was like, oh I got a few of those, yeah. Yeah. I apologize. We're cool. So then, okay, but they're having this big breakdown and he's starting to remember that he is in fact the one when suddenly the girl, good guy reincarnation

from the beginning of the movie crashes her car through the interrogation room's wall. Think about the logistics of that for a second. How much- She was Paul Walker in a past life. Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! That's the wall, Bathurst disappears, he's just gone now. She shoots Marky Mark's handcuffs with her machine gun so we don't have to worry about them anymore. How did she know to smash through that wall? Past lives, she had a past life in her past life. It was a past life?

She was the architect for this jail. Alright, alright. Well then in which past life did she know where in the room the table was situated? If it was against that wall. She was the interior designer. Can you imagine though? She crashes through the wall, she gets out and both of them are under the tires and she's like, well fuck. Fuck. All right. I gotta find a baby, one of which can make a sword. You gotta start this all over again.

Honestly, if this movie had just been people accidentally dying and everyone being like, laser tag levels of frustrated, like, oh, you got me, great. I gotta go back to base and wait for six seconds till my vest powers back up. Can't believe I'm the only adult at this child's birthday party.

But that is the stakes of the movie. Oh, I know. I know. Throughout. It'll never be more obvious than when like good guys start dying and the movie expects you to give a shit. Yeah, none of this, every time I was like this is better. So, yep. They're infinite. So she gets, so she rescues him. He gets in the car and they start driving. They don't go through the hole she just made in the building. She's gonna make a different hole.

And they're now gonna have a chase scene because apparently Bathurst has a giant And they're now going to have a chase scene because apparently Bathurst has a giant humvee made especially for driving through walls. And so they're now going to have a chase scene through the police department. And Marky Mark is giving driver's seat directions on where to turn to get through the walls of a police station and leave. Yes. No, he's like, okay, so in the next, use the second from the left lane to make... So, no, but here's his directions. He goes, at one point he goes, turn, turn! And then, as if to make that look useful, at one point he goes, go, go! Yeah, this is where I learned my wife was Marky Mark in a past life I Wonder why she was always making samurai swords, but the alternative is having sex with me, so I got it

She was trading them for your mental Hey, I'm here for some Lexapro. I just got ninja stars this week. Yeah Hey, I'm here for some Lexapro. I just got ninja stars this week, yeah. People are mean to him on Twitter again, so we need to... So she crashes through the window of the police department. My wife. I don't think you get to make fun of your wife's driving, dude. So then, so she crashes through the window of the police department and Bathurst does too and

they land in just chicken position, right? And then she goes, all right, you're gonna have to drive. And she hits a button and it is the steering wheel disappears from the driver's side and folds in and then reappears on the passenger side and folds out. Yes, yeah right. Now there's so many questions not the least of which is what about the pedals right? But also like you could just have a second bucket steering wheel the one doesn't have to disappear. I mean, what's the advantage to all that?

They're just fighting each other with two steering wheels. It's just that shitty driver's ed car. Okay, we need this one to collapse so this looks silly. So, but he drives, he's like, okay, cool. And then she's shooting while he's driving. She shoots her tiny little in-car grenade launcher at the police barricade and perfectly times it, because when you have perfect recollection of your memories,

you can do this, perfectly times it so that she can drift through the explosion as the police cars are exploding over top of her. And I love, they do this in slow motion so that you can see Marky Mark go, it's the best. He looks like a dog with his golden retriever nose out the window.

Marky Mark's dumb face does make this movie so much better. Oh yeah. Because truly, if you had a Reese's monkey playing the part of Marky Mark, you wouldn't have a more confused, non-sentient animal just in the background of every scene being like. Her car made the wheel come over to my side. But then of course, as they drive through...

I bought a zoo. No, no, no he didn't. So but of course as he drives through the police cars, you know, that fly over top of them fall on Bathurst as he's going through. Now this is just gonna slow him down. I so wanted him to die, right, so that there would be a baby chasing them for the rest of the fucking movie. If the next time they had seen him, right?

He had just stepped around the corner and there's a toddler in his suit. Just, shoo! Hello, my friend. Where there's a little grenade launch here, a cyberpunk grenade launch. This is my favorite movie, right? We can all agree.

Yeah, right. So, okay, but they get away and we have this like post car chase conversation where the girl that rest of you introduces herself. She is Nora Breitman is her name. And this is where we first see the infinity symbol seat covers they had made for their car. Which again means they're decking out their supercar, right?

And they're like, and I need a button where the steering wheel goes over to him in case I need him to take over, and I need the special thing so I can shoot the car over that thing. And also like, I want to brand it, you know? I want it to be ours. Yeah, yeah, let's reinforce the, yeah. Like the upholstery? Yeah. You want to do like an infinity sign on it?

Yeah, do you have a guy for that? Are you like a superhero group? Not an act, too. We're at war with one African American gentleman. We'll do it. So, okay, so then she takes him to the private airplane hangar that the Infinity crew gets. The airplane is also

branded of course. Also branded! Yeah. And so they get out and he starts walking away. Now the reason they're doing this is because they want that movie thing where he's walking away and she has to convince him to join the team and he turns around or whatever. But she just broke him out of a prison and he knows that Bathurst is trying to kill him. So like what is the plan before he decides? He's like, no, I'm just going to leave this, you know, this airplane hangar and walk east. And walk the earth or whatever. She just lets him leave, wait so while he...

Alright, alright, no, there's like nothing I could do out there. This doesn't make any fucking sense at all. I realized I'm actually pretty far outside of town. Got no cell signal here, can't get an Uber, so... Can't get an Uber. An Oob-fornit. But this is, of course... This is, of course, the first time in the movie where it really spells out the stakes

of the film. She's like... And she basically says, but what if your schizophrenia diagnosis was really superpowers? And he goes, that's actually a really good point. That's a great point. That's what I've been saying this whole time. I'm Marky Mark, the real person. Yeah, yeah.

But ultimately, he decides he's in and the reason is because this writer isn't good enough to come up with a reason. So like Marky Mark's just like, eh, fuck it. I'm in. It's the end of act one. Yeah. Marky Mark joins this movie for the same reason I did ketamine, which is like, I mean it's here. Right. Right. I don't want to talk. So yeah. Yeah. So Marky Mark just was swayed by the argument that he was going to join the team because it was time for us to take our first break. So I guess we're going to take our first break. But we'll be back in a minute with even more Infinite.

And now, Noah tries to buy drugs from movie drug dealers. Yeah, who are you? Yeah, I'm Noah. And now Noah tries to buy drugs from movie drug dealers Yeah, who are you Yeah, I'm Noah usually get my stuff from RJ, but he's out of town He told me you might be able to help me out with a little something I don't know if I like the look of you. I'm not I don't know. Yeah. I'm not fond of it either I'm sorry. Can I come in or what? Hmm? I Guess so good. Yeah, cuz for business's sake it'd be really weird if you if you'd said no I'm sorry, can I come in or what? Mm, I guess so. Good, yeah, because for business' sake,

it would be really weird if you'd said no. Hey, Pico, there's a guy named Noah here, he uses a lot of fancy words, says he wants to buy something. Well, what do you think of him? Well, I gotta be honest, I don't like the look of him. Yeah, I was looking for an ounce of green, but I can just, I guess, go elsewhere.

Let me ask you something. Are you looking at my girl? My eyes registered that she was there. What do you mean, registered? I mean, registered, verb, properly notice or become aware of. Yeah, I don't like the fucking look of him. You guys see keep saying that.

Would you hold your hand over an open flame for her like this? Oh, God, don't do that, man. Oh, babe, that's so fucking romantic. Not well. No. Why the fuck would I sell you my weed? Dude, you can put your hand down. Oh, thank God. OK, so I mean, I guess you would sell it to me because you'd rather have

the money I would give you for it and then you would buy more weed with it. Are you new to this business? I'm not selling you any fucking weed. I saw the way you looked at my girl. Are you sure it's not because you burned your hand too bad to weigh out a bag? No, it is because of other stuff. Is it? No.

I love you, senior pets! Hello there, Heath? Noah? Sorry, do we know you? Ah yes, I should explain. It is I, Eli Bosnik, your podcast co-host. You don't look like Eli. Yeah, and you're very obviously French. Indeed I am, Heathenite, but that is because I am an infinite. I've restarted my life in pursuit of the ultimate quest.

And what's that? Affordable wireless phone service, mon frère. Well, Eli, if you're looking for a great deal on cell phone service without having to restart your existence, why don't you try Mint Mobile? What? Mint Mobile? With Mint Mobile, all three-month plans are only $15 a month, including the unlimited plan.

All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. You can use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with your existing contacts. From this life and the next? Sure, yeah. To get this new customer offer and your new 3-month premium wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to MintMobile.com slash gam.

That's Mint Mobile dot com slash gam. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at MintMobile.com slash gam. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at MintMobile.com slash gam. $45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply.

See MintMobile for details. Very well, gentlemen. It looks like my quest is complete and I can once again join your podcast. Well, wait, just in case, say something in French. Maffan Melleron? Yep. Yeah, that's him.

Yeah, all right. Let's go back to the show. And we're back, live from Boston. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And we're going to rejoin the action in a church, so this counts, right? With some lady torturing Bathurst in Italian.

So this definitely counts. Yeah. Recreationally? I believe that she is waterboarding him with gasoline. Right. That's what it appears, and he's yell gurgling the whole time. Yeah.

Which the movie is trying to pretend isn't fucking hilarious. Yeah, he's a gifted actor, but he does not make gurgle Latin as ominous as he wants it to be. Cause you know there was a take where they were like, all right, so you go ahead and do it. And he was like, all right, here I go. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr And he's just like, he's like, oh, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one. And then they have to lay, they have a conversation. He's like, okay, more, more.

So. I wonder if they had to do like an HR thing with them later where they were like, hey, Bathurst, can I see you in my office for a second? We really try to keep the workplace separate from self-torture in the name of nihilism. Yeah. I have sort of a yellow card, red card system

and you get a yellow card. You get two, it's an official warning. So then we cut to Nora and Marky on the plane having some more exposition and she explains all the shit we learned in the VO at the beginning, right? This is where we just have almost a verbatim reminder of the nihilists and

the believers or whatever. Right. Well, and she also gives us a little insight into the believers here. She says, we, the believers, want to leave humanity better than we found it. But you don't. You're reborn all the time. Of course you want a sweeter setup when you wake up. Yes, right. Right. It's not exactly selfless. We also invest heavily in our Roth IRAs. But then, but ultimately they land in fucking Jurassic Park Island or wherever the hell they are. And I honestly, I almost left this fucking scene out, but there's this great moment where they're walking through this temple of cultural appropriation or whatever that they live out. through this temple of cultural appropriation or whatever that they live out.

And they're walking by this pool and at the pool, there are just a series of little booths where everyone's meditating. And it's just completely lined with like 45 people meditating, which means that A, those spots are in such high demand that they're always full, right? Like they have a beeper system at Chili's. Yeah, right. Yeah, right. Or B, those people are just meditate all fucking day, every day.

Or C, and this is what I think is the most likely, is that they're like, oh, there's a plane coming in, everybody line up and look cool and try to look like we're meditating. Folks, we're bringing in a guy who hasn't quite remembered that he's always been whatever he is, Liatad can everyone get in spooky meditation Great we want to make it look like buzzer should be going off We're just want to justify the expense of this fucking spot right and they have a giant there They're basically there is or has a giant Buddha statue. Yes, right I know that the people who made this movie are like,

Buddha reincarnated. But like, in the mythos of this movie, Buddha's like super raw. Yes, yes. It's not like Buddha forgot to mention, oh, and like six of you remember it anyway. So, you know, sit in a chair. Also, there's also a part where as they're walking through, they're like, okay, you know,

meditation chamber, giant statue of Buddha, stick fighting, dojo, right? No, all the basics are covered in this office. Why would stick fighting come up in an epic war against an infinite being? Who has future technology powers somehow. And why are there people learning stick fighting? Right. Have they been having infinite less lives than the other infinite amount of like,

why are there still students? If you all started out with the first group of monkeys, why are you still in white belt stick fighting class? When Marky Mark has magic powers. Do you think these are like the slacker infinites right? You were like, I spent the entire like the first 500 past lives just cramming stuff up my butt okay I just wanted to see and obviously I would cram something too big up my butt it would kill me and I'd be like oh okay so that's too big but then I'd be like all right well this is the same size but

it's a different shape and and that would work, so. Anyways, I don't know any stick fighting at all, but I can fix 17 Rubik's cubes up my ass. If that's necessary in the war, I can fit exactly 17 Rubik's cubes up my ass if there's not an earthquake. That's what I know. And can I say, you never ask me how I could help

with that skill. He makes one sword. I have a gun and I could fit 17 Rubik's Cubes up my ass. Well, so, but here's the thing. We don't know, because we only walked through the East Wing. We don't know if you go to the West Wing, there's not a class where that guy's teaching everybody the whole, like everybody has a different specialty with him. And a lone student is standing up with the 18th Rubik's Cube. We're writing a better movie! You feel this, right?

We don't need this anymore. So he stands up with the 18th Rubik's Cube. No, sorry. So, okay. And I have to point out this, like, like, it's now time for Nora to introduce him to fucking generic cerebral, right? And when they get in to generic budget cerebral room, she says to him, and I fucking quote,

here, well first she says here we can study anything, which is true of all fucking places, right? But then she says, space, time, scale, it's all relevant. Okay, okay, wait. So first of all, they included scale, all right? They couldn't think of a third thing after. And of course, secondly, as you no doubt noticed, she was obviously going for relative, but there was no one on this set that was smart enough to know that she just got the goddamn line wrong. They were like, relevant, relative,

that's the same thing, right? Rela-le-le-le. And again, they're always comparing her lines to the ones uttered by Marky Mark. So it's not like they're gonna be like, God, someone said something weird. So they just fucking rolled with it. And then as I'm writing all my Cerebro jokes into this fucking thing,

we meet the woman in the wheelchair that runs Cerebro. And I was like, oh my gosh, this is so cool. Like they have someone with a different body in the movie, and they've included it in this reincarnation narrative, as long as they don't dedicate I'm gonna say four minutes of the movie to you're still in that thing it's really progressive yeah right right so I had this character down as professor xx so thank you so thanks so but she explains, sorry, she can't explain anything. She has to show him a very thematic hologram VR representation of what she's talking about.

Right? So she, so she explains the egg that will destroy all of life. Now here's the explanation. It's shaped like an egg and will destroy all of life. You guys see how you got that without any VR hologram help? Yeah, she did not. So if you want you can put on an oculus crest and I can show you kind of what that would be like. Yes, why would I want that? And by the way, in case you're wondering what the visual is like, it's exactly a ripoff of the Thanos Snap.

Like everybody exactly... So here's the thing that's beautiful about it. It's the Thanos Snap, and then a grown-up came in the room and was like, hey guys, that's the Thanos Snap. Disney will sue us. And they were like, no, it's not, because it's the Thanos Snap. But then they're like... ...

Like if the Thanos Snap only rotted you most of the way away. Yeah, right, right. So then, but she explains that Marky Marks past incarnation stole the egg and killed everybody who made it. I got the impression they were infinites though, so I don't know why that would fucking matter. But he killed everybody who made it and he hid the egg and nobody knows where, except of course him somewhere deep in his memories. And at this point, Marky Mark is like, that's a dumb plot, this movie's stupid.

Over and over again, his character's line is to say, is to like shit on the script, right? Because it's like, it's the writer going like, I know, man, I mean, kids need to fucking eat. I know. Jesus. So we're trying to fight it. Just fucking don't. I know. So and we get then we get to another one that I would love to just skip in a normal movie I would just skip it because the character that gets killed in this we haven't even talked about right?

This is the guy who is in the library with a hologram of the sword earlier. We cut to him and he's gonna get killed now by Bathurst. We don't even know this fucking character's name. But the reason I wanted to talk about it is because part of the torture, the pre-killing him torture is that they honeyboard him. The honeyboarding? Did you wanna talk about the honeyboarding?

Here's what I wanna say, and I wanna say something brave. So open your hearts. I'm not saying you couldn't honeyboard me. I'm saying on the day you tried to honeyboard me you would talk a lot about how much honey I ate. That's what your day would be about. How much honey are you drinking? You're going to transitions from... Hmm... To torture.

Jar. Full jar. Full jar. You're doing a full... Okay. I'm downing a full jar and I'm like, Hope you brought six jars, motherfucker. So he's got to go out to like,

You've got to go to the car. Yeah, yeah. One of the infinites to like you got a car. Yeah. Yeah, yes I want to be infinite is like Jesus fucking Christ Can we plug his nose during the honey morning Because if he gains his breath again and says yummers one more time I'm gonna shoot myself and just hope I end up to be a different baby this time because this life is this is so sucking and I have to say too they're just driving back he ate a lot of honey oh my god we have to go back a third time to the store I got an Instacart and they canceled it because they thought it was like a weird prank

Well and what I love is the whole time they're honeyboarding him Bathurst is telling like just talking shit, right? And that's yeah, right. That's it's hard to fucking do Kudos to Chobhurt O'Echio for for the ability to bring fucking gravitas to the honeyboarding shit talk to bring fucking gravitas to the honey-boarding shit talk. Right? So. Good acting. And then as they're torturing him, right before he gives up where the good guys are,

he says, again, this is the actual line in the stupid fucking movie. The guy that's getting honey-boarded, they're like, why would you help him? We need to destroy all of humanity. And he says, and I quote, you'll never understand friendship and love and faith. But friendship.

Friendship. He says, well the power of friendship, he's going to take you anywhere. Yeah. So, but then this is where Bathurst has the first of his several, no, no, I want to justify the gam inclusion conversations about how God was real, he would show himself now, you know. I do like that he takes a pause though. He's like, God would show himself. One second. Okay, then we're gonna go on with the honeyboarding. Yeah. Back to honeyboarding.

So yeah. Don't put on a bib. That guy is smiling again. He's putting on a bib. I'm having the worst day. The transition from yummy to torture is a tricky one. That should be like taught in philosophy classes, about like liminality and like, you could be the last sitting with the honey.

Yeah, yeah. You want me to torture the Eli Bosnik story? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But, but. Oh yeah, no, he deserves that, yeah, absolutely. So yeah, but Bathurst finds out where the good guys are,

so he pulls out his fucking' ye olde laser grenade launcher thing. I thought it was gonna be like a honey bazooka or something, right? Oh, that would have been so much better. Like thematic, just put a little effort. Right, lean into it, man. Pulls a jar of maple syrup out of his bag.

No! It's a different kind of sweet. So. So then we. Mrs. Buttersworth. She's been cancelled. So then, so okay- Weird reaction, Boston, can I say? Like maybe there's some history there I don't know, but the anger with which you reacted

to Mrs. Buttersworth and not, I wish we had done Patriots Day, the movie about the Boston bombing? Real, the vibes are off. Alright, so in their defense, most of the times you said that we were backstage. That's true. So yeah, but so now we're going to cut to the prison for minority report. And demolition man. And Demolition Man. And Demolition Man, right, a combination of the two. Well, right, yeah, no, because Demolition Man too,

because this is where we learn that they're keeping all of the past incarnations' corpses in suspended liquid animation. I have no fucking idea why. And again. Why would you fucking do that? I don't. And also, they're suspended like this, right right like all the dead guys are just like this

Now think about the kind of body issues you'd have knowing that any minute you could die and then just be suspended like this naked And for the rest of eternity, let me say something brave. We don't see it, but there's probably a lot of babies like that What babies die and so We don't see it, but there's probably a lot of babies like that. Oh, Jesus Christ. And... What? Babies die! And so, you can't only keep the grown-ups, you gotta keep the babies too. And then, you have the question of, do you have one body, huge body tank for one baby, feels wasteful?

Or... Oh no! Do you do like, four? Or, you do a card catalog? You do four babies? I think it would be a card catalog. You do four babies. I think it would be a card catalog like later. Yes.

Okay. Maybe they're in drawers. That's what I'm saying! What is this for? So... Welcome to the cutting room floor, folks. So yeah, so, but they pull that out and they're like, yeah, no, we keep all the bodies.

He's like, why would you do that? And he's like, it's because after we reveal, you'll get it later. The cutting room floor is what they call where the card comes. Look at this. No. they call where the card. Look at this.

Oh no. So this is where they explain. Hi Morgan. All right. Good luck. Thank you. So this is where they explain that the guy who he is a reincarnation of, in addition to having the perfect recollection, also has, quote, the ability to manipulate the energy

of the world around him. Yeah! You can tell I! Oh! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Noah is infinite! Yes! So, such a stupid fucking line. Yeah, he can manipulate the energy of the world around him, meaning, you know, just generic, whatever superpower we need him to have in Act 3. You're all relevant. Yes. Oh, yeah, Marky Mark probably just paid him to keep telling him that, you know, just to hang your...

No, you're relevant. You are. I got it mixed up. So, okay, but then they're like... You made the departed better. Yes. Fuck it, we gave him a fucking Oscar for that. That's so stupid. So then we get to...

He's like, well, how do I get my memories back of how to use my superpowers? And they're like, a stick fighting montage. And he's like, really? That would not have been my fucking guess. So he's like, just stick fighting? And they're like, no, you'll have to do some inverted sit ups. No, he was like, I will need to do some inverted sit ups.

Fucking shirt. I'm going to do my fucking dangle sit ups. You have to let me do three or else I'm not in the fucking movie. So, so, hey, look, I was not upset at having to take a quick look at the abs there. Also, this is where he gets, they put him in the, I have it down in my notes as, rotating electric face acupuncture machine. Yeah, acupuncture shock therapy combo. Yeah.

Okay. I had goalie mask acupuncture honeycomb cereal. Okay. Sure. Yeah. I was just like shouting them honeycomb cereal. Okay, sure. Yeah, sure. I was just like shouting them out. Yep, yep, yep. So, that's exactly what was being shouted

in the fucking writer's room, yeah. So, there was a big fight. There was a very expensive idea jar policy in the writer's room of this fucking movie. You got in trouble. So yeah, so, but ultimately, and we haven't mentioned this character yet because who gives a fuck, but the way we can tell that he's winning the montage is that he's doing better and better at fights with Axe Guy,

who will never get a name beyond Axe Guy, right? I think he might be in the credits as fucking Axe Guy, but ultimately he is able to defeat Axe Guy, and that's how you know that the montage has been successful. So, then we get this stupid fucking dialogue between Markey and Ax Guy in the middle of the giant weapon wall room that all action movies have. Yes, but this is where we're gonna get our explanation

for a hedgehog gun. And my best worst, which is that Bathurst's big shotgun blue hedgehog thing. And my best worst, which is that Bathurst's big shotgun blue hedgehog thingy is a gun that steals your soul into a microchip. Yes. Yes. So you can't reincarnate. Yes. At which point Noah wrote in his notes, why wouldn't Bathurst just do that to himself?

No! The entire fucking movie is Bathurst cannot die and therefore wants to destroy all of life. And then at this point, halfway into the fucking movie, they're like, but he's also figured out a way to kill Infinites. It's like, well then what the fuck is the problem? Blam credits that could have ended every scene.

Hey, I'll make you a deal, Bathurst. Jesus fucking Christ. I just need to reincarnate where I'm friends with Courtney Love. This son of a. Oh no. Interesting Boston, interesting. Interesting, Boston. Interesting. Yeah, yeah.

Boston bombing, Mrs. Buttersworth. The death of Kurt Cobain. Yeah, it's the middle of the road. I've always said the death of Kurt Cobain was the average between Mrs. Buttersworth and the Boston bombing. So then, we cut to it. We have a quick scene. the average between Mrs. Buttersworth and the Boston Bombing? So then we cut to it. We have a quick scene. I'm pushing through with or without you, Heath. So then we cut to, we have this quick scene with Marky Mark and Nora where we have to establish that, so she has her soulmate that she's reborn with every lifetime.

And up until this moment in the movie, the movie kind of like lets you believe that Markey is her soulmate. This is the first scene where we established that no, actually her soulmate has been hit with the steal your soul into a microchip gun, which we did not mention is called... The dethroner? Is that what you mean? The dethroner. Why is it fucking called the dethroner? Because that was the dumbest name they could think of. It has nothing to do with anything. Yet another instance where they say it's the dethroner,

and Marky Marky's like, who's coming up with these stupid fucking names, you know? And the writers are like, it's me, I'm sorry. But yeah, but they explain that... Whatever, you bought a zoo. Yes. So, okay, but they explain that they- Whatever, you bought a zoo. Yes. So okay, but now they go back to the electric face needle machine to unlock the secret behind his

cryptic look inside clue from the beginning. And he can remember the crane fight scene that they stole from Casino Royale, but he can't remember where he put the egg, right? This is where we established- You think it's in his memory, maybe? Somewhere. Okay.

But yeah, but he's remembering, like, cutting some bullets in half, because that's how bullets work. He's remembering getting hung by a chain at the end there. But it turns out, but he can't remember exactly where he put the egg. So it turns out that they're gonna need the even better brain unlocker that they know

and didn't start with for some fucking reason. Right? He is called the artist, Sid. Yeah, right? Get excited. So then we cut to some bad guys. Shouldn't he have been like the builder of thrones or some shit to go with the fucking thrones?

Sure, yeah, there you go. There you go, the throner. So then we cut to a couple of bad guys squirrels suiting their way into the temple of cultural appropriation. I just, I cannot imagine any military operation where they're like, you know what would be the best way in? Squirrel suit in?

I was just going to say! You know what way to slow down? Yeah. Kick you guys' ass! But also like, we're nihilists! Yes. Like, it's a special ops team of nihilists. Okay, but...

Squirrel suit flying into a waterfall meditation karate laboratory. Yep. Here's the thing. So I said, I wrote, I typed that and Anne was like, did you just type special ops team of Naya? Squirrel suit flying into waterfall meditation karate laboratory. I was like, yep, that's part of my job today. But see, I wish they would use that more in the fact that it doesn't matter when they die, right? Like they put some babies in some hyperbolic chambers where they're going to

go and then they all just like shoot themselves in the plane and wait. Ha ha! Surprise! So yeah, so the nihilists land on the in the temple and they go and they kill some extras. But ultimately they take over, they get a bunch of prisoners, they arrange the prisoners in a really, really even circle, right? You got to figure somebody had like a string and like did the crop circle thing or something to get them like that. They do. It's very even.

What the fuck happened to the front hallway meditator people though? Right? They were not being aware of their surroundings at all. Clearly. Yeah. So, but this is where we learned that... You didn't sense the squirrel suits flying past? Right, right. Or landing in front of you, yeah.

Can I catch the eye? So now this is where we learned that Professor XX and Bathurst used to be love interests back in the day. This is going to be entirely irrelevant to everything that happens at all points. No, the only purpose of this scene is so that he can be ableist and be like, Oh, looks like you got a bum one this time. You didn't you didn't want to hop out of that thing and maybe you know, roll those dice again, and she's like I'm a real actress who they paid to play this part and he's like I know.

So sorry. This is weird and because then they said cut and you were still here as a real human being. A real human being who they paid to say the line, you're the one who's crippled, you're crippled by cowardice. Yeah. But... The vibes on set that day? Awful! Crafty was doing everything in their power,

just saying, Taco Tuesday on Wednesday! Hey guys, we got a magician today. He's gonna come and do a little balloon animals for everyone. And then we'll have, remember the Titans tell a woman in a wheelchair that her body's a dud, huh? How's that sound? Jesus Christ. And then maybe we'll get an ice cream truck? What do you guys think?

I'm so glad that you mistook two white guys before you mistook two black guys in the movie. That's Denzel Washington, but okay. No, he said remember the Titans. No, that's Donald Paisano. No, he is. It's a different Donald. I said no, yes The accent would have been awkward. Yeah. So yeah, but then but he gives the I have to get out speech that agent Smith gives In the matrix almost verbatim Washington was in Remember of the Titans or Jim Ittle Edgy.

He's not in Remember of the Titans, man. He might be. What if he is though? Yeah, he'd be 47th build. He might be 49th. Yeah, just keep scrolling. While you're scrolling, I'm going to do the show. You do the show. So, all right. You do a podcast. Well, so things are starting to get pretty final confrontation in here.

So I think it's about time for another break. But first, let me give Act Three the hard sell. Woo! Why would they be looking for the egg? Isn't it being lost better for every fucking buddy here? Why do I keep paying more attention to the fucking movie than the fucking movie does? Find out the answers to other questions and less when we return for the marquee-marktacular conclusion of...

Infinite. Don't you see? You've been an infinite this whole time. Oh wow. That would explain all those visions and memories that have plagued me for so long. Right now, as an infinite, you must choose between two sides. The nihilists, who want to destroy all life on earth, and the believers. The believers, definitely. You didn't let me finish. Right.

Well, I don't see why I would have to. If one side wants to destroy all life on earth, that would include me. Yes, it does. But the nihilists actually have the coolest vehicles. Oh, it would also include my dog. Hey, hey, does my dog get infinite lives too? No, your dog doesn't. But also, the believers have a very lame infinity symbol logo.

So... Right. Yeah. But if one side is against continuing to exist in the universe, it doesn't fucking matter who has the coolest logo and vehicles, dude. Okay, well, I haven't even told you what the believers believe yet, so maybe they... Does it involve life continuing to exist on the planet? Yes, that is a part of it.

Well, then I'm in. I don't think you're even considering the benefits of life not existing in the universe, is my thing. Oh, all right, well, name one. Name a benefit of all life, even bacteria, being wiped out of existence. Okay. Um, sorry, people don't usually do like follow ups when I do this. Yeah, so you got nothing, do you?

No, give me a minute. Just give me a minute. I'm sure I will. You do. I would think you'd have one ready. I have one. Ah ha! Ah ha ha!

Humanity could have stopped doing daylight savings time at any time, and it still hasn't. Yeah, shit, that's a good... So what does our symbol look like then? Uh... Oh, come on, man! Give me a minute! No one says yes! And we're back!

And, okay, so we're going to rejoin Markie, Nora, Ax Guy, and Stick Fighter Lady. I love how this movie is how they develop these great characters. They're on the, so while the temple was getting taken over, they were on the the private plane with the infinity logos going to see the artisan. So they're about to go see the artisan and we, again, I would have skipped the scene on the plane, except before they go they all have to get armed up. So they go to the goddamn gun lazy Susan. Now, so imagine this is, there's no way to use this device without a gun pointing right at you, right? It's a gun spice rack. Yes, yes. Because they have to, it's not even, Lazy Susan would actually be better, they have to like, okay so I

grab it from here, oh right, I should remove the whole thing. This is very impractical. Oh. So, yeah. So they get their guns and they're like, wait, isn't he a good guy? Why are we getting armed up? And they're like, you know, fucking probably going to be an action. There hasn't been an action sequence in a while now. So.

We're infinite. So nothing matters. But this is where we learn, right, that the artisan made the right choice for what to do with infinity. The two choices for infinite are not bad guy or good guy. There's also, have you tried putting your dick in stuff? The lifestyle choice. Sure, sure.

Which means at one point, right, Bathurst must have come to the artisan and been like, we must end our eternal tournament. And the artisan was like, but have you come with a dick in your ass though? Thanks. I know you've put a finger in there. I'm talking a dick. Thanks.

Have you come with a dick in your ass? And Bathurst is like, you're making it weird. And he's like, okay, well, why don't you suck my soul into a computer chip so yeah so they go to see the artist and you got to go through a casino to see him because he's a hedonist and whatnot they make it there and of course the artisan is played by none other than... Jason Manzoukas! Zoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo They did an audition and I showed up I was like, I'll Paul June, I'm gonna go to the Marky Mark audition. And they said yes! And now I'm here and sometimes they say cut and Mark Wahlberg comes over and he's like,

Oh Marky, why don't you work out? And I'm like, oh yeah sure. He's staring directly into the camera being like, if you want to make fun of this movie you absolutely can. Yeah. I'm making fun of it movie, you absolutely can. Yeah. I'm making fun of it in my mind right now while I'm in it. I'm doing all my lines like this. I thought my character probably says this, huh? Yes.

That's right. Boat money. So yeah, yeah. He hates this movie in real life. This? He's done a couple interviews where he had to like hint at hating it, but not really say he hated it. Of course, yeah.

And so the person who did the interview was like, are you saying? It seems like, it seems like you didn't like this movie. And he's like, a bad movie? You mean the one where I'm referred to only as the artisan? He hates it. I'm pretty sure his contract said he can't do it. Of course.

On how this get made. 100% that they thought he was gonna make fun of you. So this one's for you, Zooks. Zooks, we're doing this for you, buddy. This is, but you understand for him, this is like if we got to be in the next God's Not Dead movie. But then they like couldn't fire us right like because at some point someone called Zooks' agent they were like make him do it real and they were like no. So yeah so they meet him he's busy shocking a cadaver, you know, because he's wacky. It's a wacky Act Three scientist,

like an independent state. Um... It felt like he was winning bets throughout. He's wearing a velvet purple shirt. It's very regal. It's beautiful. He's got a golden vest and, like, a hostile smock on. And he's... He rejects the gender binary just to make

Marky Mark uncomfortable? Yes. It's the best. Yes. I promise you, that wasn't in the script. Because Marky Mark is like, ah, this guy. And he's like, you would still be a guy after thousands of lifetimes. And Mark's like, what?

Jason's talking big words again. So the important thing is that the artisan has a consciousness reboot memory regain closet. You know how your life flashes before your eyes right before you die? I do know that scientific fact. Yeah. This machine does that, but slower. No, okay, all right, now you might think to yourself, well, how does it achieve that?

Well, it kills you. At what point do you think, cause it's a drown-o-matic, right? It just fills the water. Right, that's it. It's futuristic looking, like it has a dentist chair effect, but it's just a pod full of water, which means at some point, special effects was like,

so we gotta put Marky Mark in a pod full of water. And then it was someone's job to be like, how safe do we need to make this to make sure Marky Mark doesn't drown? And then after like six or seven suggestions, they had to be like, come on guys, take it serious. Because just speaking from my heart, from my truth, I would have been like, pot full of water.

That's what I'm doing. Yep, yep, absolutely. So, okay, so then we see it. So they're getting ready. He has this conversation with Nora and he's like, hey, do you think I should get in the mental reboot drowning closet? And she's like, I don't know,

it seems like a fucking bad idea, but. How amazing would it be if she had been like, no, this is fucking weird, right? Oh, okay. What's the movie about then? I don't know, I guess we want the, Jason doesn't want the movie to keep going. He keeps looking at the camera and saying,

I don't care if the movie keeps going. Yeah, he keeps saying, if only I had the egg, yeah. So, but he says, and he says to her, he goes, could it work though? And she's like, I mean, yeah, obviously. But again, I just have to point out, there's no stakes. They infinitely reincarnate. Right. So if it doesn point out, there's no stakes. They infinite re-reincarnate. Right?

So if it doesn't work, she's just like, fuck, okay, sword making baby. Yeah, right. So it's good to see you. Stop advertising that. Right, at least nobody will know for, you know, quite a while yet where the goddamn egg thing is. It's probably the best thing that could happen, right?

If I was an immortal, I would prank people with that machine, but it would just drown them. And it'd be funny as shit! Remember, you guys remember three lifetimes ago when I was like, no, no, I'll wake you up after you drown. I would do that every time. Every time my fellow mortals had a problem, I'd be like, here, please,

step into my 50s 18 Rubik's cubes up your assinator. This will totally fix it. So also. You guys do this every time you're so stupid. We get this amazing scene. So they're trying to decide whether you should get into the drowning-inator and Bathurst, we cut to the casino outside. Bathurst is kind of his phone, he's at a blackjack table,

he's got his phone out and he's looking at a camera that he's got hidden in the room where they're doing this drowning. Now- He's watching the movie. Well yeah, now how is a great question, but there's an even better question here. He's at a casino looking at,

is openly looking at a screen that's taking him to a secret camera that's hidden within the facility and the security guards are like, yeah, no, I'm sure that's fine. He's probably, probably a bad guy in some kind of a bigger, larger thing. Probably has nothing to do with the blackjack. Did they let you just sit at a blackjack table and watch a movie? Let alone one you're in. Yes. Sir, are you watching our lived experience right now? You got a bid out of every three hands. No more free sodas. So yeah, so but Marky Mark is now he's in the thing. He's drowning. He's remembering the opening car chase, but then he dies. And so they open the thing up

and the chick has to like try to CPR. Nobody else helps, right? Like they open him up and she's like, oh, let's give him CPR. And they're like, yeah, you first. (*audience laughs*) Here's the thing, if you give Marky Mark CPR, there's a reality where you're giving Marky Mark

mouth to mouth. Well, really, like honestly, the humane thing to do if you come across the Marky Marcus to not give him CPR It's like he needs is to close that pot up and fill it with Stuff him into one of the chambers full of babies. Yeah, exactly. Oh Just baby Marky Mark and two tight of corner. Yeah. Three babies floating near him, weird. So yeah, so but then he dies, Marky Mark dies, but then while he's dead, he remembers a time

when he was a mermaid? I think that's what happens. I'm not making that up, am I? Do you think they meant that he was like from Atlantis? I think that's what happens. I'm not making that up, am I? Do you think they meant that he was like from Atlantis? I think that's what they meant. Because it's like a history thing? Because Atlantis is a real race from history? I think that's what it was.

That Marky Mark was okay with being? Somehow though. Look, the fact that if he was from Atlantis, like, otherwise, that's the best possible explanation for how remembering all your past lives would allow you to undrown yourself. Yeah, like, I remember how to not need to breathe. I guess, yeah. So he undies, and he sits up, and everybody's like,

oh, you're undead, Do you remember where the egg is? And he's like, yes, let me tell you out loud real quick. So first we get the great acting where Marky Mark thinks really hard. Not very convincing. He might as well- Mark Wahlberg is aware that thinking involves eyebrows. Yes, right.

You see him be like, think, think, think, think, think, think, think. And then you watch him be like, ow. Ow. And then he's like, I am dreadful. And I also have to point out that this is supposed to be a very serious scene, right? This is supposed to be the I know kung fu moment, right? But Jason Manzoukas' big smiling face is one third of the frame. And in the only proof of God's existence you ever need,

right after he says, I'm Treadway, Jason Manzoukas looks directly into the lens and goes, cool. Cool. Cool. So, so he's like, do you remember where the egg is? He's like, I do remember where it is. Remember earlier when there was a cut in my side and I was cauterizing it with the fucking lighter

from the Lamborghini and you thought, wow, that's gonna take a really long fucking time, right? It turns out that right before that, I had stabbed myself in the stomach and shoved the egg into my guts. That's where I hit it. And then somebody goes, why didn't you put it in your butt?

And he goes, oh fuck. Fuck! Fuck! Rubik's Cube guy steps out from around a corner. Do you know how many eggs I could have helped you hide? Kept telling you we needed a fucking glass, but you were like, no more stick fighting. Yeah. Oh, did you stick fight the egg?

No, you did! Just when you needed me most, I was fitting 17 and a half Rubik's cubes up my ass. Give me the egg. I will hide this where Bathurst will never find it. He'll never solve 16 Rubik's cubes to get to it. This is his Da Vinci code. So then, OK, so they're going to leave the artisan's place to go back to where they keep the corpse, you know, to look inside of it.

But just then a mediocre sniper attacks them and shoots stick girl, The stick fighting chick. And Marky Mark, a little bit. It's a mild shooting. So the artisan does a security lockdown, right? And he's got a secret exit that they can run through, but they have to action fight their way through a little bit in his secret exit.

I also thought to point out that everything that Jason Manzuka slash the artisan does in his lab is voice controlled, and I really wanted him to have the same trouble with voice control that we do. Yeah. Right, where he's like, Siri, lockdown, and it's like, looking up the lockdown, starring Dwayne the Rock Johnson, no, not,

Siri, Siri, play Apple to iTunes, ah, god damn it. Lights are flicking on and off. So yeah and they're running away and they stop in this room for just a second and they have this like sad moment where they realize that yes, stick lady is dead. Right? And again, Jason Manzoukas literally just in the third of the screen being like... And can we just... Here's the thing, if you're an infinite, you can absolutely fuck your friend's corpse when they're done with it, right? Oh, Jesus Christ. I understand why it's impolite now,

but if I am done with a t-shirt... Impolite? Is impolite the word you want there? Here's what I'm saying, if you want to fuck my corpse when I'm dead and you don't do it in front of my family, more power to you. Jesus Christ. It's like being an organ donor.

Yes! Right. But like, it's awful. Well, it's the opposite. Exactly. An organ receiver, but yes. Don't, if you, if you, no, if you give me an applause rake, I'll keep that shit in the show. Don't do that They're trying to cremate me, but I won't like cuz I'm wet

We got to put some Doritos under your husband, I'm sorry oh My god alright, so Campers in the audience. That one. You're still new to use Doritos for a, can't leave him alive. Desperately moving on now. So, okay, so the stick lady dies,

they go to leave, and they're like, one of us has to stay behind and die, and Marky Mark's like, I'll do it, and they're like, no, you're the fucking main character. So Axe Guy decides he'll stay back, do the rear guard action here. So the bad guys come in, there's like 12 soldiers along with Bathurst. And then as they're walking in, Axe Guy deploys these like 11 explodey drones to kill all but one of the soldiers in Bathurst.

So now you can leave, I guess. Your rear guard action, you won. It feels like that did most of the stalling for you. Yes. Also, are the guys the soldiers with Bathurst? Are those also infinites? And are they also nihilists? And if they're nihilists, are they like, yes, we want to bring our painful existence to living to an end,

so do you need someone to like move some chairs around lower level it's even weirder if they're not fucking infinites right and they were just like well no we're team end all life on earth it's it's paycheck yeah so we used to work in an Amazon warehouse this is way better. I was about to say you're describing capitalism. Yeah, no, you're right. You are right. Yeah. Starbucks gives you free college, but these guys teach you to put 17 Rubik's cubes up your ass. It's a different skill set. So, yeah, no. So, I love too, the one remaining soldier at this point turns to Bathurst and he's like, watch out, sir him so bad to be like you're the worst Chris Chris when I destroy all life on earth I'm gonna start with you I just want you to

know that Chris I want you to be the first thing to die oh so axe guy comes a barrel in now with what else? An axe, right? Obviously. Gun would have saved the day here, but he's Axe Guy. You got to stay in your fucking lane. I was hoping Bathurst would have something thematic to fight Axe Guy. Like, the honey thing he did because the guy was like a honey cantherer. That was the excuse, yeah. Some sort of, like the body spray or something to like bite this guy. Oh! Get it right in the eyes.

Ah! Right. Or he's got a big stump. No, not like a body stump, like a stump. Right, because an axe. Yeah, no, I apologize. You could also have a stump though. Yeah, sure.

No, that's fine. So... No, I apologize. You could also have a stump though. Yeah, sure. Sure. No, that's fine. So. He's just grabbing one of the soldier's arms. Deadpool did that. So yeah, he did. He did. It was great. They did that joke and they're moving.

So they get Axe Guy and then he pulls out his dethroner. I'm moving on. I can mute it later. So he gets, Axe Guy gets shot with the dethroner. I'm moving on. I can mute it later. So he gets, Axe gonna get shot with a dethroner. I can't say that with a straight face. And then, so- Oh, sorry. There's nothing in like the wisdom of millennia that says don't bring an axe to a literal gunfight.

He's in infinite lives. How many times do you think he's died because of that? It feels like he's just kept dying from better weapon over and over and over. Yeah. Or maybe he started off with just like, you know, like symbols, right? And then he's just been upgrading his weapon

ever since an axe is really way up. He's doing science like Rubik's Cube guy, but like, really, yeah. Or like 200 lifetimes ago, he was like, do you think it's silly that I always fight with an axe? And they were a little drunk, so they were like, nah man, I don't love that, that's a great thing for you. And now you've got to take it back and be weird?

Yeah, alright. No, I'll spend infinity with you fighting with an ancient weapon, thank you very much. So... So okay, so everybody gets away from the fight, but now, because they had taken the temple, they also, the bad guys have Marky Mark, the previous incarnation of Marky Mark's body, right?

So they get the thing, the world destroying thing. He's finally got it in his hand. He can finally destroy the world, and he's like, check it and make sure that it works and stuff. And he's like, do you mean turn it on? And he's like, no, I mean just do the diagnostics. He says. What's the doubt? It's just, it's like a do you mean turn it on? And he's like, no, I mean just, you know, do the diagnostics. He says...

What's the down... It's just... It's like a button, right? Yeah. It's like an egg with like, doomsday. Like, what's the downside of pressing that if you want doomsday? What happens if it doesn't... There's no risks if you want doomsday! Just press all the buttons! I don't know. Are you checking it? It didn't work and it only killed a third of the planet.

Like, shit. Yeah. He also says clean it. Yep. You don't want to destroy the world with a dirty world destroyer. I don't want it to be sticky. Right.

You spent a day doing honey torture. No. Recently. Yeah, but that wasn't on the air. A lot of it got on you. Yeah. So, yeah. At least it wasn't Mrs. Buttersworth, am I right? Oh man.

And his Boston associate is like, fuck yeah! So yeah, so Bathurst is evil monologuing at the corpse. You can email us why Boston hates Mrs. Buttersworth. I'm sure we'll get some emails. That's like not the racist one, right? Isn't there like a... That is the... Of the syrups? Yeah, it's like not the racist one, right? Isn't there like a... That is the... Of the syrups?

Yeah, it's the not racist of the syrups. Let's list the syrups in terms of racism. Let's rank, I think that's the word. We're not ranking the syrups. Do you want to check in for your flight? You keep asking me that. Golden Syrup. So, okay, so they're taking the egg back to Scotland

for some reason. They need to end the world in Scotland. I guess that makes sense, right? So, I'm kidding, I love Scotland. You know, Edinburgh, after our experience, I get it. That is kind of where that is. Yeah, and that's when people will notice the slowest. Yes.

So he gets the McGuffin, and now we cut to the artist. And Now what we didn't mention that the artisan had to like patch Marky Mark up because Marky Mark got shot in the last scene. So now we have they like him waking up and he's like limping away from the bed because he's just still so wounded and everything. But he's so determined to be in the final action sequence that he's going to make it happen. And he has to talk the artisan into helping him and man, Zookz is just like,

eh, for a penny and for a pound, what the fuck? So, here's my theory. Zookz's feelings are hurt in this scene. I think after he went cool, really loud after the Treadway scene, he got yelled at. And so for this scene he was like, no, I'm taking it serious. Hey, welcome back from the fucking whatever.

So, all right. No, it's fine, I'll be there in my helicopter for the final part of the movie. So then we get, okay. So then we get my other favorite scene in the fucking movie. So Nora has gone ahead, she's gonna try to stop the world from being destroyed, right? So she's now outside of the evil lair where Bathurst lives, and she's sniping at him. So he's inside. With a gun, not like shitting shitty texts.

Thank you, yeah, for the clarification. So she shoots at him. Now, because he has perfect recollection of all his past lives, he knows how to see a bullet coming in a reflection of a spoon and therefore dodge it, right? As you naturally would. So he dodges, right? And luckily he was eating a breakfast that was thematic with his...

With his... Right, no, he was eating an egg, yeah. He was having a soft-bo boiled egg in that weird holder, and then he was like, hold on. And the nihilist chef probably did that as a fun thing. Right, yeah. Because there must be a nihilist who's the chef, right? Yep, and he's like,

this is the last time I'm going to give you breakfast, and this is... And he was like, no, no, no, check this out, check this out, Bethvers, look what I made. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Bedfors, look what I made. Oh! Doomsday breakfast! I love it! I love it! It's a Scotch egg.

It's a Scot, cause Scotland. Cause Scotland. Amazing. Should we? Do you wanna have sex? To destroy the world? Oh, I thought we would keep going. What did you say?

Let's do some honey torture. You want me to waterboard you with gasoline while you yell and gurgle in Latin? So okay, so but Norris shoots at him. So now he needs to use his very best defensive weapon, which is a series of drones that are operated with the gloves from Minority Report. Which, luckily, he was in the same room as. These gloves. These gloves are my... So, first favorite detail about the gloves. I have many. They're all the favorite. The first, though, is that these gloves act...

The evil drone gloves activate by steeple steeple double double fingers table so good yeah I think he has him in every room though okay I think he's got a set of gloves in every room so that you know you can be you can be attacked by believers shower do you have waterproof ones in the shower too? I would, or like, I bet he has like a shitty one that he's kind of mad about if it ever happens in the shower. It's like, you know, like an off-brand N64 controller.

Sure, yeah, yeah, power glove kind of thing, yeah. Oh shit, that was the submarine filled with my buddies, oh no! Yeah, so, so he's... I really got heated with that one. Titan's submersible. But the best part is, because here's the thing, right? This actor is brilliant, right? He has an Oscar nomination. He won a Laurence Olivier Award, right? Oh, yeah.

So he kind of really does the hand stuff. Oh, yeah. He's not like, eh, eh, eh. He's like... He like really tries. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's... Do you think Zooks got up to him between takes and he was like,

hey, man, we can just sort of coast on this one. Like, you know how you did in Doctor Strange, how you were just sort of mailing at home? Yeah. You can mail at home here at Marky Mark Center. All right. So then we get... He of mailing at home. You can mail at home here at Marky Mark Center. Alright, so then we get... He wasn't Dr. Strange.

I checked backstage. And then I checked again right before I said the joke out loud. I see it. It's up on your screen. I don't have my notes on my screen right now. He doesn't. That's real. So, so okay. And then so he sends out his drones. I play wingspan on board game arena.

So okay, so the drones are attacking, and Nora, the chick that's sniping, she's like, uh oh, I better get away. Luckily I've thought this through and I have a plan. I'm gonna use my harpoon grapple to shoot one of the drones and then swing from that motherfucker like Tarzan. It's so spectacularly stupid

because of course the drone would just come down when you suddenly put like 140 pounds of extra weight on the fucking thing. But also, like, if you can hit the drones with a fucking harpoon that easy, why would you even run away? You'd just hit the three fucking drones and then you'd snipe at the guys some more.

Use the dethroner on the drones and now the drones are off their thrones. Oh, no. All right, bones. All right, I was trying to hurry along for you, for your sake there. I was really hoping there was like some kind of hand motion for like Bugs Bunny scissors that come out of it. So like, he's like, and like snaps her and she falls.

Sure, right, right. Or maybe if only there was a hand motion for down, right? And she just, it looks just dragging along the ground. The whole hand motion thing is insane. Just a controller would be better. Oh yeah. Clearly, this is like tilt steering on cart. You know what I'm saying?

It's worse. That's awesome. It's not going well. It's fucking instinctive. All right, so. You think tilt steering is better? It's instinctive. It's just, it's in your head whether you want it to be.

Wow. So, hey everybody. We're in a fight right now. So, okay. So then, okay. So impressive if you're good at tilt steering. Now he, so he, he mobilizes now he mobilizes his team of the, uh, uh, Bathurst mobilizes his team of fucking henchmen and she's running through an

exploding forest you know like in the Hunger Games and now so it's a she comes across a couple of bad guys so she's like all right well I better take these guys out silently so that the drones don't notice her so she does a spinning swing kick corkscrew kick, corkscrew kick. And then grabs a machine gun and shoots the other guy and I'm like, well what was the quiet thing about? You had a gun. I like that she did a branch swing in between

for the ring. Yes, yeah, oh yeah. She grabs the branch and swings it. Like, if this is me, the branch snaps right away. Yeah. And I'm like huuuuuhhh! I'm like right in front of the henchman not like weeping. And I'm in a past time. Do you think she worked out the corkscrew? She devoted one medieval just being like,

give me 40 more years. So, but just then as she's got got noises so she's got the death squads after her and the drones are after her and there's a humvee after her and everything. I can't say hummer because then you get the wrong idea so I'm just gonna say humvee. Or the right idea you know it's up to you but but just then though Jason Mazzoukas' helicopter shows up and takes out all the drones so now like Marky Mark is there to help out. So he drops out of the helicopter in his weird little ATV, right?

And it's got no windows? It's tactical. It's... It's a tactical ATV. Marky Mark insisted on that. Everybody's shooting at him though. I feel like something with windows would be great at this point. Like the bulletproof windows from earlier Just a thought does have a button where the steering wheel goes out the other side

Wanted him to accidentally push it shit shit shit So, okay, so not all the vehicles need them So they're they're driving away. So now bathers is all pissed right Because he runs out of drones and he's like, wait, I have the world destroying device. Why did I just? Why was I sending henchmen out to attack somebody? I just in the world now. Why was I having breakfast? They would be part of the world.

Why was this movie at all? I had breakfast. This has been ready and I was like but first eggs. So okay so but now he's putting the egg inside the egg putting in machine right so they don't have much time. And he push it's got a big fancy skull button. Yes it does. Because again you had to know that there was a moment where he was working with his bad guy, Q, right? And he was like, and then we just pushed this button

and he was like, hold on, hold on. Can we put like an evil looking insignia button? I mean, because they have their infinity symbol on everything. I mean, like they're out doing this on customized like car stuff. They have an upholstery. I'm more of a science guy.

I could go buy something at Halloween Adventure and sort of glue it to the top. That would be perfect. You want me to glue it to the top? Something that's like the opposite of infinity. I don't know what that would be. Four. Yeah.

That... I can only do animals. That was pretty good so that's why you pay me the big bucks so so now the marky mark is getting in there he's got he's picked up Nora they're they're driving in there little dune buggy thingy and the hench woman from before that came in when he was you remember when he was getting water boarded with the gasoline anyway she comes in, she hits him with a rocket launcher. It's a light rocket launcher and don't worry, they'll be fine. The Dune Buggy, it explodes, it flips over three times, they land and then

Marky Mark Tersture goes, you okay? She's like, I'll be fine. I'm like, of course you'll be fine. Yeah, why would you not be fine? So they get out, they're running off. Markie has, I should point out that at this point, Markie has a sword strapped to his back. That can only be a good thing. There's no way this goes bad. That was just true onset. So, all right.

So now, but at this point, Nora that they're in the room, or they're near the room that has all the microchips where all of the good guys that have been trapped in microchips are. She's like, oh, if I break all of those they can reincarnate, so I'm going to go do that for the rest of the movie. You have to finish alone. And Marky Marky's like, fine, fine, no problem. The bad guy just took off on an airplane with his world destroying machine,

that should be no problem because I have a motorcycle. I'm sure the fuck does. That travels 600 miles per hour apparently. Off road. In a past life, he was in a non-Euclidean space. And he figures it out. We'll get there in a second. We'll get there briefly.

Yeah, you would know. I should also point out that like, Manzoukas is still in the fucking helicopter, right? So they're like, oh, who should go after the aerial vehicle? Well, a guy on the fucking motorcycle should probably do more than do that. There's actually a deleted scene on the DVD where they're like, quick, artisan, you must chase him down, and Manzoukis is like, nah. I hate being in this movie.

That's so, so the plane takes off. I'm gonna go make more Big Mal. Now, luckily for Margie, the plane takes off, but'm gonna go make more Big Mal. Now, luckily for Marky Mark, the plane takes off, but it doesn't take off very high. It decides to like go a little lower than the surrounding cliff side. That is where we're going, y'all. For those of you who haven't seen it,

yes, that's where we're going. Marky Mark. There's like a line where he's like, fly like cliff height. Yes. I don't know why. But see, see. He's high behind the cliff. Below the radar. I don't know why. But see, see. He's high behind the cliff.

Below the radar. He's in an airplane. So Marky Mark is motorcycling along as fast as he can, which is airplane speed, of course. And he gets to this high cliff side, and he jumps his motorcycle off the cliff side and lands on the wings of the airplane. Fuck yes he does I was so I stood up and I was like

oh like I had an involuntary noise while I was watching this movie but I was so excited but you might think to yourself wait wouldn't he just slide off the wing of the airplane no you, he has a samurai sword. He's got a fucking samurai sword. Stabs it into the look of the airplane. It's also an Alan wrench. It's perfect for a lot of scenarios that are about to happen on this fucking airplane roof. Here's the thing that's true. At one point in the making of this movie, Marky Mark was like, you guys know how Tom Cruise does all his own stunts? Yeah. And it was someone's job to explain to Marky Mark why he couldn't really do a samurai sword into an airplane wing. But some people's job to be like, yeah man, yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, you bought a zoo. One lawyer nerd ruined it for everybody.

You know, I want you to just take a second and consider just how hard it is to be too stupid for an action movie. Right? Because we live in the universe with fucking Fast and the Furious, right? And we have for a really long fucking time. And we're all watching this movie and we're like, give me a fucking break. So dumb.

I love that there was a brief delay here too. They were like, it'll be 16 more minutes before we get to the whatever end of the movie. Yeah, right. Other Scotland part. He makes him put his laptop away. He's like, ah. I wanted to see a supervillain get delayed

by fucking Southwest. Like, CSA. Like, we're gonna have to gate check your egg, do you say? Machine? No, no, no. I paid the extra so that I could take it out now. Can you fit it in the rectangle area? Can you fit it in the... It fits, see? It fits.

No, it's just balanced on it. It does fit. Oh, why are you lying? You're lying. You're lying about it being all... You're lying. You're lying about it. You're lying. This is why I'm ending the world. So. Spirit Airlines. So then Bathurst, he runs up to the to the cockpit of the plane

and he's like, I'm going to start like, I'm going to steer myself. I'm going to shake him off like a flea on a dog's back. Right. So he's trying to shake Marky Mark off, going back and forth. To make it difficult for the guy on the roof of... Well, and what's great is at this point in the movie, they realized like, okay, even with the, he can't like get inside the plane.

So if they call back to, wait, wait, wait, that guy was magic? Yes, yes. Literally just so he can stand up on the plane wing and be like, that's how I fucking did it. Yeah. He does. He just like stands up from his sword

and he just walks down the airplane. Now, earlier one of the engines like ripped a hole in the side of it, so he leaps into there. You know, because he's the one now or whatever.'s he's got his sword and he's looking at the world destroyer nader yes an important detail he doesn't just get inside there's like a samurai sword flathead screwdriver Alan wrench scenario where it's hurt and he's like I wanted I wanted the Alan wrench moment where he's like fuck and he has to like take out a set of different samurai

swords and like figure it out but how am I missing the one that fits right but it's that's what it's like a flathead samurai sword today there's just a slot and it's like open top of airplane now for heroes only. Right, well that's the thing is that all airplanes actually do have that. He accidentally tightens it at first and he's like right lefty. So. It's cause I'm on the top of the airplane

so it's reversed. Also the last time I used it I used the reverse thing to get to it. So okay, so like he gets to the world destroyer inside the airplane and he looks at it and he's like, alright how do I open, you know what I'd probably just stab it with my fucking sword right I'm gonna stab with my sword so he reaches his sword up to stab it but just then

Bathurst shoots him in the back of the head and kills him with the dethroner no less yes with the dethroner right that's gonna like suck his soul in now this is so fucking dumb that we haven't mentioned it yet. But Marky Mark's character, one of the reasons why, so this movie is desperately throwing excuses why he wouldn't have all his memories. One of the excuses they've thrown out is that he has a metal plate in his skull. Yes, that's where we're going!

The bullet bounced off the metal blade in his fucking skull. He might as well have a Bible in his skull. King James motherfucker. So he falls down and the bathroom is like haha Iurst's like, ha ha, I got him. And now, you know, when he's a, you know, I'll be able to enact my master plan. And then he goes to the world destroy-inator, and Marky Mark stands up beside him,

holding the bullet. He's like, you forgot, I have a metal plate in my skull, motherfucker! So does that mean that Marky Mark pretended to die so that he could do a dramatic rise up behind him? Yes! Like, he felt himself get hit in the back of the head, and he was like, you know what?

This'll be good. I'll get him. Pfft. Yeah. I wanted him to, like, stand up too quick, and the actor's like, oh, shit. Pfft. It's... I got the front this time.

Do a lifetime with acting practice being dead. I gotta carve that into my chest so I remember. Take acting classes somewhere good, not from Jason Manzoukas who's super mean, and keeps looking into the camera and saying I can't believe they're paying me for this. Also it's only 17. Milk, butter, big, not the small ones. I'm so curious what body motion you're getting. So, okay. So... Listeners at home, yeah, that's probably best that you don't know.

Yeah, that's probably best that you don't know. So, okay. So now the airplane is barrel rolling about and they're fighting inside of it. It's a cargo plane. They barrel roll pretty easily as it turns out. You wouldn't think so, right? With the six engines on either side or whatever it has. So as this is happening they're trying to steal the inception fight. Yes, exactly. For sure. That like, you know, no gravity for walls and floor and ceilings inception fight. But it doesn't work because it's a plane crashing. Right. And what we're watching, to my delight, is Marcus Mark getting tumble dried for like a minute. I could not stop. I had to pause and spend like five

minutes recovering. It was the best. So and as they're fighting of course because he's got his sword now, they're slowly cutting the four straps that are holding the destroy-inator in. They cut the last strap and the destroy-inator flies out of the airplane and they're like, ah fuck we have to stop doing inception and start doing point break so they jump out they have the fucking free fall fight or whatever where they're all trying to try to stab the thing and and Bathurst keeps stopping him can you catch up to stuff when you're falling is that like a thing yeah I think you can just like

you like you turn like it like down down down down yeah I think so okay I think you can do that pretty sure if you turn like I think down down down down. Yeah, I think so Okay, I think you can do that pretty sure you can do that right? Yeah, so okay. I have no I'm pretending I can see somebody out here confirming when I just lights I don't know what's going on so okay, so but they're flying towards the ocean He stabs the thing that the world destroy an ater is destroyed now How ironic and they they're falling towards the ocean this whole time. When they hit the ocean, because of the physics so far in this movie, we're like 60% sure they're gonna be fine because water, they're not.

They land on surfboards. Yes. A little bit. So, but so they die, we cut back to the artisan who's blowing up all the soul chips. Nora's gonna stay inside with the soul chips as they get exploded so that she'll be the same age as her soulmate. You got to keep the age gap reasonable.

Yeah. Because you don't want to build Bella Chick situation where it's like, you said meet in Anchor Wat, so here I am, hot stuff. I think one of us needs to kill themselves. That's what Bill Belichick's girlfriend says every night before bed. I love you, honey. I love you, Bill Belichick.

And just a reminder, one of us needs to kill himself. Our couples therapist made me stop saying that to my wife. Alright. So we get an explosion. And then we get just what you've all been waiting for. We get the idiot writer who wrote this movie trying to get the idiot actor who started this movie lines to say that make it all seem introspective. So he goes, this is the actual opening line of The Voice

Over now as he studies. So what did I learn by being Evan McCauley? In Markie Brooks' voice. Yes, right, right. What did I learn? Yeah. So we watch him be reincarnated. We watch him be a fetus and then a newborn.

And I guess, like, Nora and her love interest always meet in Angkor Wat. They've established that earlier. So we see them meeting. I feel like one of these lifetimes, they should have picked a more accessible city right? Yeah for sure. Lifetime 216 you just turn to her and you're like hey babe can we start doing Dallas because everything flies. Let's just do a hub. Absolutely. Paris is nice. Nice and romantic.

Can we also move the age up? One of us needs to kill him. But that's the lore of this movie is that like at 13, Yes. You get your memory and then you're in love with whoever from before and you both meet at Angkor Wat. So this is bad parenting that's happening. This is bad parenting that's happening. For all of the history of all these characters, 13-year-olds were like, hey, Mom, here's what's going to happen.

I need to go to Cambodia. I'm going to stop you right there, kiddo. Not once. That good parent right there. The rest of that was I went to find eternal love. So alright, so while they're talking about that, no mom, I'm a 13 year old, no my love lives in Cambodia. You have to take my relationship seriously.

Goh! One of us needs to kill them. He's just trying to make sure I can't edit it out guys, is what's going on here. Okay. So do you think once in a while, throughout the history of this whole...cannon... Preach King. Do you think...

Let him cook! Let him cook! Can I...can I be vulnerable for a second? Talk from your heart! Talk from your heart. Open your heart. These people keep getting recreated. Just statistically... These soulmates... must occasionally... be brother-sister.

Alright. Right? Inevitable. What a coincidence that the person who brought that up would happen to be just out of randomness heap. I'm just saying that had to have happened. And you know one of them. And they see each other in Angkor Wat and they're just like, ah. Or what about first cousins? We both have to kill ourselves.

Oh. I bet you one of them was like, OK, yeah, well, we'll definitely kill ourselves so we can do it where we're not related, but brr. OK, no. No. So. On three we say it?

So Marky Mark says. There are 48 seconds left in this movie, and we will not let no illusions get to them. I'm trying so hard. I'm looking over, I'm looking apologetically at the bartender in the back. I'm like, you see me trying though, right? So... Bartender in the back is like, no those cousins would fuck, right? Nah, bro, you fucking you film it. That's what you fucking do. All right. So.

But you never use Mrs. Buttersworth's lube. All right. I don't know what your issue is with the syrup lady. I don't know what you don't like about her. So okay. So you know what it is? It's the fucking, it's the molasses flood, man. They're still like, that was here.

That was here. I am so sorry. Wow. Oh my God. I am so sorry, Boston. So it's marathon bombing. Never forget. Molasses flood.

Okay. I get it, okay. So Marky Mark voice is over and he says, what did I learn that there's gonna be a sequel? I'm like, what the fuck? This movie, so true story, this movie was supposed to get a theatrical release and then they saw it and they were like, how about Paramount Plus?

That's also good though, right? So okay, and then we cut to, like this movie is like, wouldn't it be funny if the movie was infinite though? So the movie refuses to be over for yet another scene because Marky Mark's newest incarnation is stick fighting. God, he should have been shoving Ruby's cubes up his ass. So much better. So much better.

And the artisan's watching, right? Yep. So he's like the old good guy now. Yeah. So his job now is to like, fly around the world, going to like the All Valley Tournament to find Johnny Lawrence or whatever the fuck. Like, kids karate tournaments.

Is this guy's eternal job now? Wolf. Just wolf. At least he probably gets 13 years off after this starts. That's nice. So yeah, so he sees this kid win this stick fight, and he comes up and he's like, here's my card, you're obviously an infinite. And the guy's like, yeah, no, we're going to get a sequel.

And this thing, yeah, we're going to get a sequel. I love that. Infinite 2. Infinity plus 1. So, alright. I like that the kid sweeps the leg though. Literally sweeps the leg in this scene. He does. Alright, so obviously there's a lot of great sequel possibilities,

but there's also a lot of great prequel possibilities. Infinity negative one. Yes, there you go. So given what we know of this movie's universe, to close off tonight, I asked the two of you, what other historical character are you pretty sure was also Marky Mark? Jesus, Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

Good answer. Okay, John. Oh, nice. All right. Well, that's going to do it for this episode. Just yet, that's going to do it for the live show. The listeners at home, that's going to do it for them. The live show, they still get more Anna Bosnik. They have that to look forward to, right? But this is where we wrap up the recorded part. So huge thanks once again for Tim Robertson

for all the work that he does putting these things together. Tim, you will always do an amazing job. We love having you at these things. We love having you working these things. This is the best job I think you've ever done. This place has just been amazing. Everything's been great. Huge thanks to everybody here at the Crystal Ballroom for making this, making us look as good and sound as good as reasonably could be expected.

Thank you. Thanks to Anna for keeping the crowd entertained during the interstitials. Thanks to Lucinda for helping out with the merch all night long. Thanks to Davios keeping the crowd entertained during the interstitials. Thanks to Lucinda for helping out with the merch all night long. Thanks to Davios for taking such great care of our Platinum Night guest last night. And once more, and even here's your thanks to Tim.

I wrote him in the notes twice, so I'm gonna thank him twice because he's that fucking good. And on that note, and with one last reminder that the live audience still gets another Anna song that the podcast audience will sadly miss should have come to the live show. We'll leave you with the Breakfast Club clothes. Paul Walker got reincarnated into the crossover universe of Infinite 2 and Fast and the Furious fucking 19. It's called...

What's it called? What's it called Heath? It's so stupid. What's it called Heath? It's called Carmageddon. Laughter Cheers Applause Cheers Applause Marky Mark

went on to burn in Catholic Hell for promoting reincarnation. I don't make the rules Marky. Jason Manzoukas bought something really nice with the money he made from this movie. Laughter Thank you, Ricky. Jason Manzoukas bought something really nice with the money he made from this movie. Thank you.

Thank you so much. So as you know, if you've been to the live shows before when we say that we're leaving during these interstitials, we don't go anywhere. Now, to hear the interstitials, you will have to listen to the final show, but while we're on the break, I did want to introduce you to two very important new members of the cast. If you were at the Toronto show, you may have had a chance to meet Puppet Heath. Well, it turns out that Puppet Heath was joined this weekend by Puppet Lucinda and Puppet Noah, who you will see right over here in the audience. Made by friends of the show Dee and Kevin Wright, who have been with us since the very beginning. I think I first emailed with Dee on like episode three of Scathing Atheist. So our first Canadian listeners, I do believe,

it was very depressing for me to realize how much white they had to put into the hair of Puppet Noah to make it look like Noah. But I absolutely fucking adore them and thank you guys so much for making those. Those are awesome. I should also let you know while we're here that in the next interstitial break you won't get an interstitial, you won't get the sketch, but you will get an Anna song if you're on your best behavior. Starting with clapping really loud when we come back here. Here we go.

You guys ready to come back? All right. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2024 all rights reserved.