God Awful Movies - 476: The Clot

Episode Date: October 1, 2024

This week, Katie and Allen from the Werewolf Ambulance podcast join us for an atheist review of The Clot, a fetus-based Christian horror movie. Check out more from Katie and Allen here. If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts

I mean, if you're going to get a 35 K a night, fuck, it's going to be in a place nicer than where the Nigerian prince is. Yeah, he's a senator, a senator, excuse me, a senator, a senator, a Nigerian senator. Yeah. Then the fucking, you know, roadside in with the old lady's dead body still on the bed that the next scene will take place in. Yeah, I definitely think so. Why is she painted like she's like, she's not done with her baseball Fury's face makeup

yet? Yeah it looks like 90s WWF wrestler Gold Dust. Yeah! The look is spot on. Oh my god incredible. Gold Dust. Godawful movie. Movie.

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Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Eli, recording on your birthday. How you doing on your birthday? Ooh, celebrating this beautiful movie, Heath. That's what I'm doing. Yeah, okay. Celebrating, interesting. We also have veteran masochist all-stars, Katie and Alan, from the Werewolf Ambulance Podcast.

Katie, Alan, welcome back. Oh, thanks so much for having us. Yeah, hi guys. Very excited. And happy birthday. Allen, when I, thank you, when I saw this movie, when this movie was dropped into my inbox by a listener, I went four months forward in the calendar and put it into the first day of our spooktacular

with your names next to it. I've never been more certain. The day I proposed to my wife, I was less certain than when I plopped your names next to the clot in the- How important this movie is in the oeuvre of horror cinema. How important this moment was to me, how happy I was. Whatever comparisons you want to make, they all pale.

All right. To this movie and this moment. We are horror experts, I would say. Yeah,. I mean, this moment, we are horror experts. I would say. Yeah. Yeah. And we've done nearly 500 episodes. Yeah. That's how I was going to say. Yeah. And never this one though. Somehow. No. And this is the first time I think ever that we've both had to tap out mid movie. I think that's going to make four of us. If I had to guess. Also, if you ever are in doubt about anything, you had us at hello, so we're always willing to do this.

Yep, 100%, yeah, I know, I knew. I knew this was your calling. And even though it's your birthday, I'm still going to absolutely shout at you for making me watch this. Yeah, God knows, yes, absolutely. I think that's what he would want for his birthday. Yeah.

This is what I wanted for my birthday. Yeah, this is how I'm celebrating. Okay, so. Torturing the people I love. For Eli's birthday, Katie, what are we going to be breaking down today? We watched The Clot. It's the story of a plucky Ghanaian woman just trying to make it in the modern world, navigating sex, friendships, a career and long-term relationships.

I actually, I don't know, it's about abortion, immigration. Fuck, I can't make any sense of this one. It is an absolute mess. It's a mess! It's a movie, maybe. It's a nightmare. It's a nightmare. Yeah.

All right, well, Eli, how bad was this nightmare? Well, if you loved vultures of horror, but it's by the book plotting and masterful acting made it all feel a bit too samey for you, you will love this movie. I had no idea what was happening in this movie at any given second. It is terribly written. it is terribly written it is terribly shot There is almost no sound equipment associated with the movie whatsoever for a newspaper. That's very crinkly Yes, that is their main piece of sound. Yeah, they captured and iPhone buzzes iPhone buzzes are the star of the fucking there are more iPhone buzzes in this film

Then I think I've you could show me a YouTube video of just an iPhone buzzes compilation. I think it would not match this fucking film. But to add to that, right, not only are all of these people speaking English as a second language, they are constantly changing wigs. Constantly. And then new people are appearing and old characters are appearing in different wigs. The ability to follow this movie is Edditt's nadir for me. All right. I love that this movie gave you a full blown breakdown. It did.

Absolutely. I had a psychotic, I'm just saying, it would have been easier to review a few years ago. Okay. So here we are in 2024, big election coming up, divisive issues all over the place. Alan, tell us, in the wake of the Dobbs ruling, how politically important is this movie? Oh, thank you so much for asking. I would say extremely, because it teaches us that every situation can be handled by a vengeful fetus or something. We didn't think of letting the fetus solve the issues for itself

Yeah I actually cannot argue with that and is there anything you'd like to nominate this one for being the best? Being the best at the worst at the worst at I don't know I would like to nominate this one for being the best worst interpersonal relationships Because we see every character in the movie in a scene together, but I have no idea how any of them are related. None. Nope.

And unless a character declares, you are my son, which I will say, luckily they do do it certain points in the movie. I never had any idea how any of the characters knew each other. Spoilers for the movie. I never had any idea how any of the characters knew each other. Spoilers for the movie. Our main character gets kicked out of the house by someone at the beginning of the movie, who I'm pretty sure is a character at the end of the movie, but I don't know. Wait. Yeah. Who was that? Yeah. It was her aunt, but it's not clear. Does she come back? I don't know. So I think she might be Tonza at the end of the movie. Oh, the same actor.

Or the same character. I don't know. Or this is a documentary. Yeah. Right. Exactly. Okay. I think this fits perfectly into my best worst, which is best worst whiplash inducing seed jumps. Fantastic. They will just go, they'll be like,

hey, can you hand me that cup of water? I'm in the fucking woods now. Truly. It is jarring. Oh my God. I was gonna go with best best murder stationary. Yeah. So we'll get to it, but there's some murder

and the murder character Delivers messages on some very fine stationary multiple moments the first moment of murder stationary I laughed so hard and So loud that the University library I was in the librarian walked over and said are you okay? And I had to be like, boosted notes! We're stationary. Boosted notes! We'll get to it.

And I was going to go with one more, best worst, you can only talk to other people if you're both in a car. Sure. It seems to be how it works for everybody in this universe. Yeah. I think that's so you can assure that the one microphone they have is close to both actors. Right, exactly. They were like, this is a great hack.

And I want to talk about the other moment that made me laugh until I literally wept. Best, best wheelchair navigation. That's all I'm going to say. We'll talk about it when the time comes. I had, I wasn't in a library and a librarian came over and shushed me. I was just by myself in my apartment, a librarian in the building was like, what are you doing? And I was like, come on, the wheel, I showed the scene.

It's pretty funny. Insane. Why couldn't they take this again? Okay, well, I think we're going to take a quick break before we get started with this movie proper. And then we'll be back to tell you all about the clock All right, everybody. I'm calling together this first writers meeting for the clock Okay, yeah, yeah, wait, why don't we have Canadian access? I think you know why we don't have we used to be brave on this

Show right relax. Anyway We're making our super Christian anti-abortion film. So what are you guys thinking for content? Let's see. High-priced prostitutes? Drugs, murder. Suicide. So much sex. Great, great, yeah, okay.

Loving those ideas. Quick question though. Well, the fact that 90% of our runtime is gonna be a titillating movie about prostitutes and fucking, you know, kind of take away from what we all agree is our deeply Christian message? No, no. It's like a passion play. But for hookers. But for hookers. Exactly. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm gonna go get on my bikini. Fantastic. Yes. I will say fuck multiple times nice This show is sponsored by better help and then boom right there on my screen. Oh, that's cool Neat. Hey guys, what you doing? Oh Hey, I was just showing Alan and Katie how I can mirror my iPhone to my computer screen now. Oh, cool. Yeah, that way I can reply right on my phone to any notification that might come up. But I've also got my email, my full keyboard there.

I can drag things between the two windows. Sure, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, Eli, it seems like your attention might have been irreparably destroyed by technology here. And you're using a kind of mask of multitasking to deal with that? What? No, I'm, no, I'm what I know you're not. Is that what you're gonna say?

Yes. Sorry, I was checking a email while I'm in the middle of this conversation about how well, yeah, cool. Can I ask? Have you considered therapy? therapy for this Absolutely, if you're thinking of starting therapy, you should give better help a try It's entirely online designed to be convenient flexible and suited to your schedule Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge.

So no awkward therapist breakups? No awkward therapist breakups. Take off the mask with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash awful today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P dot com slash awful. All right, Heath. Hey, putting you on my Insta story. You know what I'm saying?

You could just say thank you. Block! You can't block me. I'm standing right here. No you're not. I blocked you. And we're back. And we're going to start fast.

This movie is coming in hot with I think a woman stabbing a live baby. Quick fact check, stabbing a baby is actually illegal in every state. But here we are. Okay, so what I eventually realize is that this is the abortion that is the inciting incident flashback of the film. I realize nothing, but thank you.

Whenever you realize something, anybody, just shout it out. Yeah, I love how Katie's notes here are just, oh no, oh Eli no, I need a fucking drink already. That's my first note for this movie. And I paused the movie eight seconds in and went into the kitchen and got a bottle of gin. So my next several notes are messy. Yeah, and Alan has a very moderate, the kitchen and got a bottle of gin. So my next several notes are messy.

Yeah. Yeah. And Alan has a very moderate. So this just right out of the gate. Huh? But yeah, so this is, this is what we're going to talk about throughout the movie. This is a flashback before the incidence of the movie happens, but apparently after her abortion, she didn't quite finish the baby off. So this is accompanied by baby cries and her stabbing this alleged baby to death with a pair of scissors in the toilet. I think this actually happens mid movie, doesn't it?

Yeah. This is the flashback to what happens later. This is the flash forward that we will later flash back to. Yeah, exactly. Flash medium. Got it that we will later flash back to. Exactly. Flash medium. Yeah. Flash mid. Flash mid. Flash.

Exactly. So we see that and now we cut to the beginning of the movie and at the beginning of the movie, Nana, Nana will be the main character of the film. Let me save you some pain and suffering listener. Nana will wear different wigs in multiple scenes in the movie. So unlike my notes, which are a fucking labyrinth of different characters, I was trying to keep track of. No, this is Nana.

She will wear different wigs in different scenes in the film, but this is Nana and she's being kicked out of her house. She was supposed to stay with her aunt, but her aunt says, you need to leave because my daughter is gonna come stay with me now. Yeah, I enjoyed that to start the movie, the actor playing Nana had to be like, look at me, we're starting the movie, I have a line. I'm look at me, look at me.

Hello, hello, auntie. And then they start talking. Three, two, one, movie, go. And now this might be a little bit confusing Posts that scene so they have two lines of dialogue. We now cut back to the flash forward from the beginning of the movie So just to be clear we flashed forward already lost we went back beginning of the movie now We're back forward again to after the abortion She's being dropped off by the shady abortionist who says, you know take a couple of aspirin and don't tell anybody I'm the one

who gave you an abortion. Thank God. I thought that the aunt was the abortionist. Why would you not? Why would you not? That is the order they showed you the scenes in. That's very reasonable. And I thought, God, she's unfazed by her pain.

And everyone has different hair. Oh, I just gave you an abortion. You have to leave. Yeah, exactly. So now we're gonna cut over to her friend's house. This is Rhea. Rhea will wear, I counted, six different wigs throughout the film. And some weaves. And several weaves, yeah.

Multiple weaves, yes. So Rhea is a high, very, very high priced, as we will learn later in the film, sex worker. We don't know that yet. She is just introducing Nana around the house and letting her know that she is allowed to stay there because they know each other from work. Oh. Which is very confusing because we are about to learn that Rhea is a sex worker. Like a Heidi Fleiss level sex worker. Like a pay off your student loans sex worker.

Yeah. I mean, we'll talk about it when we get to the actual amounts that are discussed later in the film, but I just want to say for the record right here on the record right now, you can fuck me, podcast listener, for the amounts of money Rhea is talking about getting fucked for. I'm not volunteering anyone else for that position, but I'm telling you, Puzzle and the Thunderstorm has a PayPal and you can pick a hole. I would like to undercut Eli's bid.

My number is probably lower. My number is? One dollar. Lower than Heath. I'll pay you. Oh shit, price is right. Price is right, sex work. I'd like to hire a sex worker.

That's what I'm saying. Hey, Ellen and Katie, how is it going back on Godable Movies? Not great, no's um elicited Prostitution on the we're Heath and Eli. That's right. Yeah, that's the way A bunch of white guys. What can I do? I'm wearing a wig. Yeah, exactly So now Rhea the roommate who has allowed Nana to live there gets a call from Rhea, the roommate who has allowed Nana to live there, gets a call from Brian, right? But what they discuss, we won't find out about till later.

And by later, I mean this is an hour and 40 minute movie. At one hour and 38 minutes, we will discuss why Brian and Rhea know each other. We will? We will! Oh, I can't wait for you to tell me about it. Oh, yeah. Let me know about that too. I have no idea.

Okay. So now, Brian, I know, confusing. Brian, who is Rhea's pimp, is discussing her job as a prostitute. Now this is weird because this implies that today is Rhea's first day as a prostitute. But he opens with one of my favorite lines in the film, which is those boobs, those boobs you have can make you a lifetime of money. Orientation for this job is a little strange in the car with the speech. Yeah. Yeah, it's weird.

I mean, I guess it's because he hasn't gotten around to filming that training video. They show you at like Quiznos and McDonald's. Yeah. Oh, hello. Joining. Yeah, exactly. I'm excited for Brian's. Brian turns around to the camera. Welcome to Brian's sex work company. They do match 401k. Yeah, I was pretty sure that when you're sex trafficked, they don't just explain everything to you at the beginning of the sex trafficking.

Okay, this is how this is going to go down. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So weird. And she mentions, oh, you know, I've got a roommate now. And he says, real quote, hey, do you want to take advantage of her? And then the score is like, wow. Yeah.

The score does like a bump. So she shows up to her first client's house. She is going to... Is this Tim? Yes. Oh my god, Tim. Tim is... Tim makes me sad to my core. Yeah! Tim is the only Caucasian in the cast of this movie.

However, his lines were still written by someone whose first language is Ghanaian. So he will be using the exact same acumen with the English language as everyone else in the film. It is an interesting choice to say the least. It is weird to see him say, how the fuck is my supposed to be girlfriend and not have her fucking number. Yep. That's weird is what he says.

10,000 USD. USD. USD. USD is nuts. Oh, you beat me to it. Yes. That's weird is what he says 10,000 USD Yes, so what is established in this scene is that Rhea and please correct me if I'm wrong about this although You know, we're kind of we're kind of looking in between the lines of a Jackson Pollock here You know what I'm saying? But what I believe Rhea is proposing is that Nana will be his girlfriend, or at least will be seducible, if she gives him $10,000 along with being his girlfriend, then he will get her a green card.

Oh. Yes, that seems to be the transaction. Okay. What I didn't understand is when we first meet Tim, he's effing and jeffing and throwing stuff around. He's all pissed off about something or other. And then when he is later with Nana, he is the most docile little pussycat you've ever met. He's very sensual. He's very sensual. I don't think you guys know sensual. No. Disagree, Alan. Look, just because me, Heath and Katie have a Tim in our life, in our history and you don't count yourself lucky, sir, to have not

fallen for a Tim's ways. All right. Yeah. I still have that 10,000 USDs. Exactly. We're all six, four locos away from waking up on a mattress and a floor next to Tim. God, you're so right. Yeah. So the next morning she meets with Tim. She is getting a job at a Ghanaian grocery store. This is where I realized that this was the same actress wearing a variety of wigs and had to stop the movie and go back and basically rewatch the entire thing with the understanding that I was watching one because I was like, okay, so this character works at a grocery store

and that one before is engaged to Tim and this one, okay, it's all the same blue, but she has got a job at the Ghanaian grocery store so that she can pay Tim. And it's also understood that she's going to be dating him. He loves her. He loves her. He wants a relationship. Yes. Here on their very first date, he announces that he doesn't want her money that she made at the Ghanaian grocery store in her very first shift because he loves her and he wants to make a relationship. His exact words are, I want to make a relationship out of this. And I wrote my notes out of selling her illegal documents? That's a weird shift, Tim.

At this point, I paused the movie because I was taking notes and then I restarted the movie and the entire, or I un-paused the movie and the movie restarted and I just was watching and I was like, it's weird that they're going back to the scene already. And then I was like, fuck, I have to fast forward. God damn it, no. Honestly, your movie watching experience

wouldn't change that much if you just flipped around No, no, no, in fact, you might get a more logic by by the laws of randomness You might get a more logical times you'd have Better more logical film. Yes, there were a lot of times in this movie where I was like, did she have an abortion yet? I don't know when it falls in the timeline. It's very upsetting because it is the whole movie Yeah, yeah. It is not clear when this abort… This abortion is the Chekhov's gun.

The Chekhov gun to the fetus head, if you will. So now she heads to his place. He got her a dress and some shoes. And look, I think all bodies are beautiful and I'm not here to shame anybody, but I am here to talk about the size dynamic between Tim and Nana, okay? Because he gets her a dress, she comes back in a very revealing dress, and for the first time we are aware that he comes up to, I'm gonna say her knees? Right?

We're supposed to picture them fucking in about four minutes of movie time, and there's no way, there's no way. She would sooner breastfeed Tim. You don't know what Tim's into. Exactly. I picture their interaction as like her holding his forehead and him swinging his arms and not being able to do anything about it. Yes, exactly. That that's probably how they did it.

Yeah. Also, I just love that this, this improvised line here, right? As they're sitting down, he's supposed to be talking about the date. They just went on and he goes, wasn't it funny how the waiter tripped every time he left the room? Every time? That is funny. That is hilarious. That he says he just completely trip.

He completely trip. I should have been passed out. That's fine. That's fine. We'll move on. Tim, actor who played Tim, why didn't you say it's tripped? That's my question. Not my place. Not my place. As the one white man, I did not want to be here correcting everybody. I think that must have been it. Obviously, yeah.

There must have been a day when he was like, well, I'm not correcting any... I don't feel comfortable correcting anybody here for a variety of reasons. Yeah. He now delivers what is my absolute favorite line of this movie. This is the best time I've had all night in a long time. In a long time. I laughed for a while. Come on, that waiter tripping every single time. That's like a really fun night. That's a fun night. This is the best time I've had all night in a long time.

Yeah. And Nana is not having any fun at all. She is not laughing at the waiter trip every time. She is not laughing at the most fun he's had all night. No, Nana's performance wildly vacillates between a puppet that no one is using, right? Trauma victim and like forest gump impersonation that probably doesn't hold up to modern day. Like you will always be in one of those places. She kind of seems like there's someone off screen be like, deliver your fucking lines that probably doesn't hold up to modern day, like you will always be in one of those places. She kind of seems like there's someone off-screen be like, deliver your fucking lunch right now. Yes, exactly.

If she is a movie within a movie and in that movie the traffickers are Christian movie traffickers, her performance in this film makes a lot of sense. But she asks him, is this a game or are you for real? And as Alan pointed out, he says this is the best time I've had all night in a long time. And so they have a followed by I love you followed by I love you. And they have a snuggle and then they dance. And I think we're supposed to assume they fuck. Yeah.

Is this what dating is in the 2020s? Because this is terrifying. Yeah. Yeah. Now this is why you got to get off the apps, kids. This is how you end up waking up on Tim's, as I've mentioned earlier, on Tim's floor mattress. Yeah, if he doesn't have a headboard, that's one thing, but not having a box spring is like a full other.

Yeah, feels not good. Everybody's being judgy today about a lot of stuff. Okay, I do have it several times in my notes. Why are all the walls in this movie as bare as the walls in Hexel? You gotta find art that you like and otherwise you don't have anything there. He actually has a completely bare wall

except for some stickers of stars in a line. Which I thought was an interesting choice for the evil fake immigration guy. It's a constellation. Exactly. It's not. So she sneaks back to Rhea's place. She doesn't want Rhea to know that she was gone all night. And this is the first time, this was almost my best best.

This is the first time that the subtitles started telling us what was happening in the movie rather than what we were hearing in the movie. If you do not have subtitles on when you were watching this film, you must because they are as well written as the rest of the film and phenomenal. The subtitle for this is Nana picks up her bag and sits up. It felt like the subtitle person was like, all right, you're not going to understand anything that's happening right now. I'm going to like really explain the plots and points of this movie so you have some idea what's going on as best I can. Exactly.

On that note, did the subtitles explain why Rhea was mad at her for spending the night at Tim's when she basically sold Tim to her as her boyfriend? Well, I guess the listeners will have to tune in for later in the movie when all will be explained. Really? No, I don't think it will. No. Yes, it does. No. No, dog. I think you got all messed up and you're thinking things that didn't happen.

When I bust out this revelation in Act 3, our minds are going to be blown. Wait, are you serious? They're going to tie this together? Yes. 100%. Wow. Okay. If you say so.

I'm actually really looking forward to that. Me too. Gotta trust. So now we have a pregnancy montage. First, she has a little girl dream. Yeah. And she's woken up by that little girl dream by her mom, who I think is supposed to live back in Ghana, calling her to ask if she's pregnant. Mom's no.

Mom's no. A number of people ask her if she's pregnant. Why? Well, because then she vomits at the Ghanaian grocery store where she works and her boss is like, Hey, are you pregnant? And he's like, you have to go check up. Go check up. As someone who hates vomiting in movies and television shows.

This was the first time I was ever the toilet in the POV vomiting. Yeah, interesting choice. She just like pushes a bunch of pudding out of her mouth right into our faces. And then she's like, I don't, I already hated your movie. Like you didn't have to go all that way. Obviously we have the stereotypical pregnancy shot here, but, and I laughed out loud at this. This was funny.

It shows the timer and then it flashes to the pregnancy test and then it flashes back to the timer and it's on the same time I screamed I also like that the timer was going down I feel like you you can just do a stopwatch and go up instead of like scary countdown to the time, right? It's just like oh two minutes and then you check the pee stick, right? No, look at fucking fancy Heath over here Yeah, exactly. I don't know why you fucking someone's got to do it like look at fucking fancy Heath over here. Yeah, exactly Someone's got to do it like a lacrosse coach for summer. Hey, can I say Heath? That wasn't the thing that occurred to me Okay, and I'm judging you that it's the thing that occurred to you

Just like you know hey Alexa stopwatch two minutes. You're good to go Heath you know not to summon the digital assistants when I'm around. Okay, a stopwatch in my other room just started. God damn it, yeah, obviously, because they're all around us and they're always listening. And we thank them for it. Yes, obviously, we welcome her. Okay, in the other room it says I'm pregnant.

Yeah. Yeah. How did you get pregnant? I don't know. I don't know. Sit up here and get pregnant by him. But she is obviously pregnant. So now we cut over to Rhea being very upset at her

for being pregnant. She says, I'm not playing fast. Get rid of it. They also then show her weeping in front of the TV. It felt like they played a drama on TV, hoping that some amount of the acting would sort of leak through into the rest of the scene. At one point she's also sitting on the back of the couch crying.

So I had this theory that the director was like, let's get a bunch of different places of you crying. And then they went to edit and you were like, you know what? They're all fucking good. I'm using them all. Let's keep them all. I can't choose. It's a long montage of this, of her crying and then being like,

oh, original season of Law and Order. That's okay. Cool. Cool. That's cool. Flicks it on. And they keep doing the cut thing to show that this is like a montage, like an all evening, like really sad crying thing. But each time they cut forward, the TV show stays the same and doesn't do the jump cuts.

It's the best. I was worried that I had become eternal. So you just hear Sam Watterson being the DA continuously. And then to end this montage, and again, correct me if I'm wrong, she hears sirens and runs away from them. That seemed to be the reaction. Yeah. Yeah.

I think it was supposed to be like, oh, ICE is here because she's worried about being deported, right? Yeah. Yeah. I think it was supposed to be like, oh, ice is here because she's worried about being deported. Right? Yeah. It's I thought because the cops were coming, but apparently this scene just teaches us every time Nana hears sirens, she flees the space she's in. Like I'm an idiot, but I was like, oh, you don't call the cops just because you got pregnant. Did anyone else worry at this point in time that they had become unstuck in time? Oh, yeah. No, I turned to a trochmedorean next to me on the couch and he was like, Hey man, this is a bad movie. You want to do something else? Kilgore trout? Yeah. So that night she's singing herself a little song and weeping.

We also get a cut of some, of some text messages that they show for approximately three seconds. I have no idea what they said. We all had to pause the movie and go back to read these text messages, but these are from Tim. He can't do this right now. He has to leave Ohio now.

I love you. We were in Ohio. That's what the text said. Yeah, it's a real mix. Real mixed signals in that text message. Wait, where does he go? He goes to Indiana. Okay, good.

Yeah, he goes to Indiana. Really? But why? We'll find out later in the film. Did I see this movie? Somebody help me. You can't blame yourself for not understanding this movie, Katie.

You can't. Thank you, thank you. That's what the closed caption said, actually, at the end of this scene. You can't blame yourself. Yeah, exactly. Okay, thank you. Thank you. That's what the closed caption said actually at the end of this scene Can't blame yourself. Yeah, exactly So now we get some scary montage. She gets fired from her grocery store job We get a flashback to murdering the fetus in the toilet

She sits on the floor some more and then Rhea comes in and yells at her to get an abortion Which can I say is very confusing right after a montage where we watch her stabbing her baby to death in the toilet. I just want to pause here real quick and say we are not rushing through this movie. This is how quickly the scenes are. Yes. No, this is the images. If anything, we're taking our time to explain it to you while this movie just showed us images and sound. I normally watch our movies at like 1.2, 1.3 speed. I had this one at one and I could not follow. Yeah, no, I think a 0.5 speed would have really helped me for this. Yeah. So now it's time

for Ria to take on another sex work client. This is where we learn that she will be getting $35,000 a night. USD. that she will be getting $35,000 a night. Okay. USDs. 35,000 USDs for one night. What is the actual scale on sex workers in a night? Can it go up to $35,000?

Oh, for sure. I mean, if you're gonna get a 35K a night, fuck. It's gonna be in a place nicer than where the Nigerian prince is. Yeah. He's a senator. A senator, excuse me a senator senator Excuse me a senator senator Nigerian senator Yeah Then the fucking you know

Roadside in with the old lady's dead body still on the bed that the next scene will take place in yeah I definitely think so why is she painted like she's a like she's not done with her baseball fury's face makeup Yeah, it looks like 90s WWF wrestler gold dust. Yeah. Oh my God. Incredible. Gold dust.

Amazing. She's talking really sexy too, which you know, was gold dust vibe. Very weird. Yeah. Yeah. She says to him, you said you're a Nigerian senator and he goes, yeah. So I was like, you're not getting that $35,000. She tells him her name.

I loved this line so much. She tells him her name is Rhea and he goes, Rhea, I'm feeling real good. Oh man. That will get you laid every time. Wordplay. Yup. I love it. And again, this is such a funny thing because again, Christians made this movie

and they're doing sort of this weird passion play version of sin so they don't really know what people want from prostitutes. Or at least they're pretending not to know what people want from prostitutes. So she, at one point she just, he just says, I'm here to have a good time. And she says, I'm going to make sure you have a good time. Anything you want. And he just says, I'm here to have a good time. And she says, I'm gonna make sure you have a good time. Anything you want. And he just leaves the room. I wrote in my notes, I wanted him so badly

to come back with like a particularly complicated board game. Right, and he's just like, okay. So here's the thing, the first time you play Distilled, you're gonna lose. You're gonna want to collect some wool. You don't realize it, but it's important. Yeah, I thought he was just like flustered, which, you know, made that that struck home to me.

It was like anything you want. He's like, I hadn't. Give me a second. And he runs back out. I could have jerked off for free. Meanwhile, Nana is sneaking through the house to horror movie sound effects. Now I will point out they did accidentally involve some dog barking sounds in the baby sounds, which to me implied that she aborted a dog as well.

I thought the dog might be performing the abortion. So you know, six to one half dozen of the other. Okay. Yeah. I thought the dog might be performing the abortion. So, you know, six to one half dozen of the other. Okay, yeah, she's hearing evil baby noises and water running and like you said, dogs barking. And we're watching this like scary hallway moment. I wanted them to like pan into a room and it's just a room of dogs and babies having like a splash fight or something.

Right, yeah, exactly. They never explain why the water running thing. I told Ria not to start a daycare in here. Nor the dogs. I assume the water running was a flashback to the shower that we see in a little while. Oh, it's part of, okay, it's part of a scary flashback. She's like washing off all the baby bits on her body.

Oh, right. Usually people would read a fucking book, just one book that isn't the Bible, so they would know how things work in the world. That would be great, yeah, that would read a fucking book just one book that isn't the Bible so they would know how things work in the world Oh, that would be great. Yeah, that would be really awesome Yeah, but this is where we get our first piece of Heath's best best the first threatening note from the ghost baby fetus which has written spoiler well I Some ghost has written in childlike handwriting. Although that might just be how the people who wrote this movie write,

Leviticus 2417. Oh no. Yeah. And that's, and he that killeth any man shall surely be put to death. Right. And it's on very beautiful stationary. Red construction paper! So now that we've spoiled it, yeah, there's like a demon fetus ghost that's gonna start stabbing people the fetus

Went to a stationary store apparently and yeah, I'm like nice paper stock That flash cut there's to the baby waiting and fucking papyrus now Do you want me to wrap this for you normal or Charlie my life 35 dollars for rap? I don't want Now, do you want me to wrap this for you? No, I'm not a little child, I'm a little child, $35 for a rapper. I don't want a little rapper. But it's not a baby. When we finally meet the fetus, it's an eight-year-old child. It's mind boggling.

Well, the fetus will be a variety of sizes throughout the film. That's true. That is true. Then we get a couple of pop scares. Oh, God. She checks behind the shower curtain and we get like a, like something's there, but there's not. And then, then she leaves okay I was really hoping she pulls back the curtain and there was just like a fetus taking a bubble bath

hey just went to papyrus I got some good stuff anyway exactly yeah I think I'm pretty sure just now did I just say fetus taking a bubble bath out loud? You should. All right. I think that means it's time for a quick break and then we'll be back with more The Clop. Christian, I want to speak to you. Of course, mama.

What is it? Have you met Nana, my nurse? Oh, no, I haven't. Hello, Nana. Hello. One second. I'll be right there. Nana, please wheel me into the living room.

Okay. Okay. Seems like, seems like kind of a, a wide, a wide turn. Okay. You're no, you're, you're going to want to pivot. You're going to want to pivot that. Nope. Nope.

Pivot the chair, pivot the chair, pivot. You're not. Oh my God. I'm pivoting. She's got it son. Yeahivot the chair. Pivot. You're not. Oh my God. I'm pivoting. She's got it, son. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. OK, you're making a three point turn now in the four point. It's OK. That's it. Now it's five.

That's a five point. And you're facing backwards. What is happening? I think we're going to need to lift her. Lift her. Just wheel the chair. What are you doing? I can't get the angle. She can't get the angle. Are you pushing from the front? What is happening? She's got it, Christian. Tokyo drifting a wheelchair now. And there.

Great. So, what'd you want to tell me, Mom? I think you should marry Nana. What? Really? Yeah. No, that's fair. Come on, Nana, let's go. I'm gonna get a running start. Don't. Please don't. And we're back. When we left off, Nana got a running start. Don't. Please don't. And we're back.

When we left off, Nana got a threatening note about Leviticus, but there wasn't a fetus demon in the bathtub, so I guess it was nothing. And now we're going to open on a very jarring cut to beard cam close up of some guy's beard. Have we met him before? Yeah. This is Tonza and her boyfriend. Oh, yes. She says, she says, baby, you got to use a condom.

I've had so many abortions. Yeah. She's, it's not even that she doesn't like having abortions. It's just like, you know, they've, she's gotten enough for the free yogurt at this point and it just doesn't make any sense. My card is full. It would be a hassle. Yeah. And we're going to learn who the fuck Tonza is here, right?

Yeah. Tonza is running a business where immigrants get scammed for fake papers. I think so. Oh, that actually does clear something up for me. Because the Mexican dude left. Oh, Rach, the one she refers to is that Mexican, which I was like, come on now. Yeah, that's a quote from the movie. So now Nana shows up there at Tanzas, right?

And they have a little small talk. Tanzas asks her why Africans don't do better with their natural resources. And Nana says that Africa is worse than when there were slave masters. And I wrote in my notes, I disagree, but I don't know if it's my place to say about your lived experience. Nana, I just would like to point out that we said it in the film. Yeah. OK. This was one of two different times where they like

delve into a political topic and I wasn't expecting it. They like kind of try to go deep for a second about like, okay but Ghana has a ton of natural resources so like it seems like the economy would have lots of opportunity. Why would you ever leave Ghana and move here to the United States? Oh yeah this breakdown of capitalism. Right and Nana has to explain that like, yeah, it doesn't really help unless you own a mining operation. So start a mining operation. That sounds great.

Earlier in the movie, I don't know if this is true or not. And I meant to look it up, but it made it sound like the Ghanaian government was trying to split its national debt amongst its citizens. Yes. What we see are watching the news earlier and the newscaster says like, according to the national debt, that means every Ghanaian citizen owes $3,246 and Nana reacts to that newscast like, ah, fuck, when do they need that? By like, come on.

That's so many D's man. Yeah. Oh, Ria can earn that in 10 minutes. Oh my God. Nana now goes over to the temp office. She's going to be like a nurse or an in-home aid. Yeah. She gets a call during this scene from Christian.

Christian is the son of a character we will meet later and he is firing the person who has the job Nana will have now Why did we need this? Explanation of characters we will never meet for a reason that will never matter Why couldn't she just be sent to this old lady's house to work for her? I have no idea But if you're watching this movie in chopped up order in the desperate hope that random serves you better than the order they chose To edit it in. I can understand why this scene exists.

Yeah, this movie has very inconsistent opinions about like how much they need to lead you through things. On the one hand, it's bananas with the cuts and like timelines and nothing makes sense. But on the other hand, they'll insist on showing you, okay, that night they have a three second conversation because night happened Okay night has happened next day. She could have a job and start your next scene. She could have a job Yeah, I mean I guess we wouldn't look I can even understand having a scene where she's hired and it's explained that she has a new job But I don't understand a scene where she's hired and she has a new job and we have to watch someone get fired from the job

She's about to have to explain why she has a job job, and we have to watch someone get fired from the job that she's about to have to explain why she has a job at the end of a scene where we just saw she got a new job. And this just served to confuse me further because I thought we were still talking about sex work. So I'm like, why does this lady have a desk and an assistant? Wait, an in-home sex work? Yeah, I thought, you know, Chris, yeah, I don't know.

An in-home sex aide shouldn't maybe be a job. I like sex work temp agency. I like that as an idea, right? I mean, is it all? It's all a temp agency, really. That's what an escort service is. You have to do a hand job, like, typing test for them, and they yell at you if you can't do it fast enough.

Wow, 87 jerks per minute. Yeah, but I was spelling it wrong. Yeah. This is where I just have a note that says I feel like I need a neck brace for this movie. Truly being whipped in many directions. Exactly. But none of that matters because we're about to get the greatest moment of this film. The Citizen Kane moment. Truly the Citizen Kane moment.. Nana will now, do we know this lady's name? Do we ever get it? We never get it.

No. I just have her as mom. The mom. Mom. Christian's mom. Yeah. Christian's mom. Yeah, so Nana is assigned to this old lady.

She will be her home care aide. And so she is going to wheel mom into the room. And I am not kidding you for the next 45 minutes It's three solid minutes of Nana not being able to navigate this wheelchair through a living room. It's hilarious There's an actual K turn. Yep, and it's the whole thing is shot and what I can only assume to be an Accidental Dutch angle and it's fucking hilarious Amazing to be an accidental Dutch angle. And it's fucking hilarious. It is. Amazing. My note for this scene is this is like watching me

park a car. Okay, yeah. This is how I drive in video games. I just assumed she wanted to see every fucking wall in the room before she settled on one. All right, now I'm backing the wheelchair through a tree branch. I can hear it.

Should I keep going? I'm gonna keep going We have to pay a lot to that rental car. No, we had the insurance we had the insurance the guy was mad But we had the insurance. That's why you get the insurance didn't have to pay anything Everybody had to pay No, the world's insurance probably I probably cost insurance as the concept went up. So this is also where we get one of those neck snap cuts.

Nana is like handing the old lady like a cup of tea or something and then they cut in between it so when they cut back, it looks like Nana has changed into a man in a suit. Yeah. Oh, right. Christian appears out of thin air. Yes. I thought he wasn't real. I swear to God I thought he was a ghost. It has real ghost vibes. But no, he's just there to say hi to the mother. This is also where we established that mom doesn't like Christian's current girlfriend, which we established

because they just sit there in silence, not talking to each other. Mom and son are whispering like lovers though. Oh yeah, for real. Which is mind boggling because the entire time a microwave is running in the background of the scene. So they're whispering, but there's a, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm's like, well, I'm going to go to my room and change now. Ding.

They're just like, I want to burn this movie to the ground. What did they do? Mom, you look beautiful. Hot pockets ready. Hot pockets ready. Let it sit. Let it sit. She's wearing a fucking bucket hat.

She is wearing a bucket hat like she's sitting on. In her own house. Who does that? So do we get some more very slow wheeling right after this, Eli? Yup, we get some more very slow wheeling. They wheel her out to the car and then... Seriously, it's like the movie was filibustering itself. Yes, it's grueling. With the wheelchair stuff.

And it's so confusing because we watch them wheel her out to the car and then the next scene is set back in the house again. Oh god, you're right. This is where mom like delivers these mysterious riddles about the importance of human life, about the abortion that we're not sure whether or not Nana has had it yet. It was very confusing. I just referred her as the abortion whisperer. Truly. Yeah, it seems like the mom just sensed that an abortion had happened, right? And she was like,

I will tell you a story that will relate to your situation. I don't think it has yet because she says, please save the life of an innocent soul. It comes with blessings. Well, that's the thing. She pre-sensed it. Yeah. No, no that's the thing. Oh, she pre sensed it. Yeah. No, no, no. This is no, the abortions already happened. What?

No, no, no. How do you save the life of the innocent soul then? Let me explain. Okay. Let's give him the floor. All right. Let's let Eli chase this down. I don't think you have this right at all.

She has to have already had the abortion because she lost her job because she was so sick from the abortion which is why she had to get the job leaving town that means them yeah the abortion hasn't happened yet how did you not figure that out the movie no abortion is already happened the movie the abort this is the robot shooting someone all over again the abortion sorry Why would the mom say save the life of an innocent soul, please if That had already happened. Yeah I don't know mom's magical. Also. Is that lady gonna raise that kid? No, she's not

Okay, but then when does she fuck Tim then in the timeline? She's already fucked him because she's pregnant currently. She's pregnant with Tim's kid right now. Okay, you're right. When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much. No, you're right. They trade goof juice. Yeah, that's true.

Oh no! That's true. And then mommy has to get an abortion, but that happens later after she's pregnant. Hey, Alan, I don't want to be this guy. I don't think you're supposed to trade Goof Juice. I'm pretty sure your belly button's rubbed together to get Goof Juice.

I think it's a... Maybe if you're generous. I think it's a one-way generous lovers like to trade. I think it's a one-way transaction. I don't remember... All right, Ben Shapiro. All right. I'm deeply uncomfortable. Damn it, Kate. As the other parent on the podcast, you were supposed to back me up on my

goose. You think I should explain that the female orgasm is a myth? Wouldn't be the first. Okay. So now this must be later because she's getting ghost post-its, right? This is one of the moments where I laughed so loud that I was approached by a librarian. She walks through the hallway and she opens the door and the ghost fetus baby, which apparently hasn't been aborted yet, has left a bunch of post-its on the mirror

with sad faces on them that say, save me. Because it hasn't been aborted. Because it hasn't been aborted. Very good point. Yes. But then why does the baby have supernatural powers? That's a great question. Eli, you can't.

If you start picking this fucking sweater apart, But it's not a ghost yet. Why does it have ghost powers? It's a sock. It's not a sweater. It's the pre-spirit of the real human being doing evil stuff. Oh, God knew you before you were born. Oh, fuck off. Even before I was born.

Also, apparently this ghost fetus, again, went to Papyrus and got the really fancy paper stock, but was also like, I got a few bucks left. I'll get a thing of Post-it. So yeah, throw in one of those mini Post-it note holders too. That's great. Yeah. I'll use that for like grocery lists. I like that they were all over the bathroom mirror.

Like one might put affirmations like you got this girl and you're beautiful no matter what they say. What if someone had to poop before her? Yeah. What if someone had to poop before her? So now we cut back to Mom and Christian's girlfriend. This is the scene where they give each other the silent treatment. They sit. We watched these actors for six minutes,

sit in silence just scoffing at each other. Okay. This was fun. They cold open on the mom just being like, I fucking hate that bitch that my son is dating. Oh, hello, Vicky. And he's right there. And then Vicky sits down and just plays on Instagram in complete silence while the two of them just angrily stare at each other, sort of.

Well, they both do like noises at each other back and forth for about 14 seconds. Then Nana enters the room and Vicky, I don't know if that's Vicky's actual name, but I'm going with it. Yeah. Vicky is like, yeah. And Vicky is like, let me get some water. And she's like, don't order water from my servant.

She's my servant. Give me my glasses. And she's like, don't you dare bring her any fucking water. They might as well tear Nana in half playing tug of war with her. Christian's like, we have water in the car. Who keeps water in the car? Give me that warm water. Drink your warm water.

Christian tries to make the beast by being like, we have water in the car. And she's like, I'm thirsty now. Meanwhile, the score is playing like a crocodile is going to crawl from under the couch. Thank you. He's like, someone's saying, go. Thank Katie. I thought I was going insane. You were! This movie did it! Yeah, I guess, yes, that is what happened.

So mom is like, I don't want water, I want a soda. And then crocodile almost attacking music happens for like 30 seconds. And then she's handed a soda and it just stops. It's so weird. That's it. It's bananas. And then she's handed us It's like they bought like a package of sounds and they were like, alright, well, we've got that 30 seconds of crock Music, let's do it. Yeah, we're working around the soda water thing. We slipped the dog barking in earlier. This is fine This yeah, exactly. Yeah, we're getting the most out of that Halloween spooky sound CD. Damn it So now we're gonna cut over to the abortion doctor The abortion doctor is switching through channels on the radio and then she turns to a channel so that we and her

Can listen to two complete idiots debate about? abortion in the case of rape Well, God don't make no mistakes. God don't make no mistakes. That is the final point. Yeah, God don't make no mistakes. I just read Alan's note that says, explain candy corn M&Ms then, and I can't stop.

Hold on. Hold on. There are candy corn M&Ms? Yeah, they're vile. Get the fuck out of here. They're flavored like them or shaped like them or colored or what? They're flavored like them? It's disgusting. Do they have a chocolate? Do they have chocolate? Yeah, the white chocolate with...

What is the flavor of a candy corn even? Sugar and candy corn. Candy corn? Ah, God. We are a pro candy corn podcast. I don't say it bad. I'm a pro candy corn.. I'm a pro candy corn. I'm the only pro candy corn on my podcast. Are you one of those people who thinks the three different colors of the candy corn are

different flavors? Yeah, one hundo. Obviously. There aren't. It's orange, yellow and white. Yeah, but he's different. On the count of three, we're all going to say the best flavor of a candy corn. Ready?

One, two, three. Yeah. Re reject the premise Beautiful this friendship that's forming feel seen for the first time and Then of course we cut to Ria introducing her to the abortion doctor This is where she utters the line. She just wants to get that thing up out of her. That's funny though. I also, I just have to point this out right after this, because we watched this on Tubi

where there's 900 ads every commercial break. This is what I was about to say. My ad right after where she says she wants to get that thing up out of her was an ad for the floor hosted by Rob Lowe. I felt it was a little on the nose. Mine was a Kamala Harris anti-Project 2025 ad. And I was like, full of you to put it in this fucking movie. In Pennsylvania, I love that.

In Pennsylvania. All we get in Pennsylvania is, yeah. It's bananas. Ads all day. You gotta vote so many times. Do fraud, do so much voter fraud. Oh my God, of course. Yes, so many times.

You can't say that. These people who believe that abortion is what this movie represents will also think that you're serious. Yes. I am serious. We voted multiple times. I want you to do so much Pennsylvania voter fraud for real. I'm the Electoral College now.

I am Heath Enright and I approve this message. You know my birth name, George Soros. So now we're going to cut over to Christian and Vicky's date at the lobby of a holiday inn. She's late, but before she's willing to speak to him, she has to take several selfies. She says, quote, you know, I've got to have something for the gram. He wants. Oh, is that Instagram? Yeah.

People say the gram. Is that a thing? Yes. Yes, baby. It is. I mean, it's usually the youth. I would imagine. Or stagram.

It will cost. No, that's literally just I just sayah for short, cause I'm also youthful. You got Riz. But they have a big fight. She doesn't like his mom. His mom doesn't like her. No, the reason they're fighting is cause he wants to marry her and start a family.

And she's like, what, cause of your mom? Wait, what? Is that how marriage works? Is it? If I find out that my husband's mother pressured him into marrying me, I'm going to be very upset. And she gets up in a huff. And I am so proud to say that me and Katie had the exact same experience, which is she puts back the chair and it makes a big fart sound. And I thought the actor farted and I was like, okay, this is the greatest comedy that's ever been written.

Yes. Imagine getting dumped and just like farting with all of your money. He farted and then like hand waved it towards him. It's moving with me. My favorite movie of all time. Hope you like long john silvers. This is the last time we're ever going to taste one of those. That's a chicken plague, baby. What the actual fuck. So now we cut to the abortion doctor's house slash office.

She's like low. This is post abortion. So Nana has had the abortion now, right? And we know that because the abortion doctor turns to Tonza and is like sorry that abortion took a while that baby was fucking fighting me hard What does that work like visually that's not how it works well, I you know, so when a mommy and a daddy love each other I just picture the baby like at her cervix a Kimbo When you're trying to get an apple sides like a cat that doesn't want to leave or whatever. Yeah. Yes. Like an actual human child who doesn't want to get in their car seat. Yeah. Just trying to put on a toddler shoes. Pulling back on the umbilical cord to go back in springing in and out of the vagina. Sort of like the... the jungle people in the rundown.

What? I have no idea. If you had listened to the bonus episode this month... Oh. The rope fight. Yeah, the rope fight. Yeah, exactly. From the rundown. But the fetus is doing it. Exactly.

You can't just say the jungle people from the rundown. No, that's upsetting. The real OGs will get it, Alan. The real OGs will get it Alan, the real OGs will get it. So now we cut to Nana, she's showering and she's just losing chunks of baby while she does it. I mean, she's dropping full McNuggets during the shower. It's a lot.

Just like wads of ground beef washing. Like she came in from the blood mine and took a shower. Very disturbing. This movie has the same understanding of an abortion of like a child who had just heard the birds and bees talk. Like you just gave birds and bees to a kid and you were like, and what do you think happens when you kill that thing? That's how this movie understands abortion.

Oh God. All right, so now, meanwhile, Tim is talking to his buddy in Indiana, where he's about to make the revelation that ties the earlier scenes in the movie that nobody understands, all together. Really? Please. So you know his girlfriend Becky? No, because she's not in the fucking movie?

Of course not. Well they were in a fight, and when they were in a a fight he had sex with Ria. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So the following morning, Becky, who we don't know because she's a different character, comes back to the house to apologize, but Ria is there and he's trying to hide the fact that Ria's there. They have some shenanigans, including a fucking fantastic moment where she finds a crumpled shirt under a pillow What's this? He's like I bought it For you, and then I crumpled it under a pillow

Okay for you does Tim kill Becky by accident You're jumping ahead jumping ahead. I was letting everyone get a hand on the ball in the crumpled shirt But yes, she goes to the bathroom and he's like, no, no pooping, no pooping. And he accidentally shoves her. Luckily the subtitles fill us in here that the sound is head smashes on dumbbell. Oh my God. The subtitles. But yes, she dies. This is when Rhea emerges from the bedroom where she has been hiding and she's filming him.

And he's like, why are you filming me? I just accidentally killed my girlfriend. And he's like, look, we're going to you. I'm going to use this blackmail to fraud someone later. And I'm going to ask you to help me fraud someone. So that's the conversation he and Rhea had earlier in the movie. She is using Tim to fraud Nana. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, we could have used extortion, any of these other words, but fraud. Just keep using fraud.

Yeah, fraud is a noun, yeah, for sure. I just couldn't focus on anything because I was so focused. Dan, Tim's friend, has a tiny hand tattooed above his right eye. He sure does. And I was just like, what does that, what could that mean? That means he killed a baby in prison.

Right? What? He did an abortion in prison? I think that's what that means. So now we transition into a scene where mom, remember mom, mom is asking Nana to come live with her and work for her. But we do it via voiceover, which is very confusing. At first, we're just hearing mama's voice and mom tells her the document they gave you was fake. You should move in here and I'll take care of

them. What? What? I'll take care of them. What? What? I mean, she says it. What does it mean? Great question. How would you explain how everything has ended up where it is today? Oh, well, that's a great question.

Has America turned its back on God, Eli? This is where in the middle of revealing to this girl that she wants her to live with her and that her green card was fake, She shows her the quarter and that George Washington is no longer facing in God We Trust on the quarter. Okay. Yeah. So she had two, she keeps two coins, one old and one new to give this speech to people to illustrate. Yes. To illustrate this little talk. Okay. Wait till she finds out that in God we trust wasn't always on our money. Yeah, no, that's really not too old a quarter.

Yeah. But so she explains she can't get her green card, but Christian will marry her. Yeah, she just says marry my son. And everyone's okay with this. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's how I got this. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's how I got married. Oh yeah.

Christian is the last to find out that he will be marrying Nana. But he's seemingly like, all right, all right. It's fine. I guess the way he stares at her. So now we cut over to the abortionist's house. This is where the the aborted feed now aborted fetus ghost baby kills her. We only learn this because of the subtitles. We don't see any of this. What the subtitles say are water wave, evil wind, body drops on wooden floor.

My second favorite subtitle of the movie, my first being when earlier when Nana and Tim are having the slow dance, it announces the subtitles announced who is performing the song and it's Chosen tunes so they're slow dancing some gospel group Evil wind okay. I have a theory about what happens next please and I need you all to hold me in the light I need you to make space. I need this to be a safe place for my open heart Because tons of now gets a call from someone telling

Her that her boyfriend is married. Mm-hmm. Okay Will is that is the person that makes that call the aborted fetus? I think it's the fetus. Yeah, 100%. Am I making this up or did the caller ID say Melissa? With like three hearts after it. Yeah. Yes. I think the fetus set that up.

It was in your contact. The fetus set that up. To get the pickup. Did a cloned number thing like the FBI can do. Okay. Deep state. And this is also where she says one of my favorite lines in the movie. She says, after all the abortions I had for that. And then she says the N word. It's so funny. And then he just

walks in and says, are you done with your immigrant? And she chases him out. She chases him out and he's like, no, listen to me. Listen to me. She's like, where's my gun? She starts looking under the couch cushions for her gun. I love her so much. There's also been a scene cut in here because these scenes were happening so rapid fire. We couldn't even separate them in the notes where the temp agency lady gets a call from Christian and he's having Nana fired.

I think that was also the fetus. That was also the fetus. I wondered why that scene happened. It's the fetus getting Nana fired. Amazing. It makes no sense. Help me. So we cut over to mom.

Mom tells Christian that she wants Christian to marry Nana. The fetus gets a job as a secret shopper, gets him fired from TGI Fridays for not carding. Leaves you a bad review on iTunes. But yeah, mom tells Christian that she wants him to marry Nana, and Christian's like, I gotta go. And this is great, but where he turns to Nana, right?

Because he's sort of awkward in this situation. He says, sorry, I'm not usually like this, but I have to go to the game. And I wrote my notes. Like what? Capable of leaving a room? It's so stupid. What game? What game is he going to?

No idea. But I think just one of the actors wanted to leave the scene and made up a lie Which was weird, but I get it. I suppose I think that does mean though that we get another break But first let me give act three the hard sell Will there be at least 15 more wigs will we learn about the economic modality of Ghana's mining industry some more? Will we learn about the secret atheist plot involving coins some more? Find out the answer to these questions and more when we return for the excruciating conclusion of The Clop. Nana, you must listen to me.

That green card they got you? It was fake. Oh no. Yes, but more importantly, do you see this quarter? George Washington faces away from God now. Oh, oh, um, that's bad too, I guess. Sorry, did you say my green card was fake? And look, when you fold a $20 bill like this, I, well, I did it wrong, but it looks like

the Twin Towers. Okay, just real quick, can we go back to the green card thing? But it's all part of it it Nana, don't you see? This country has turned from God. Really? What about being deported? Without God, there's no direction for the nation. All the terrible things we've seen in this nation.

That's like $10,000. It's sin in the light of the Lord. Okay, but how did you find out that my document was fake? Does anybody else know? Do I need to get a lawyer? Nana, look at me! Look at me! Choose a number between 1 and 10. What? Choose a number, Nana! You must!

Fine. Um, 4. Okay. Mansion, apartment, shack, house. Mansion, apartment, shack, house. Okay. And we're back. When we left off, there might have been a very adorable stabbing spree happening. And now we're going to watch Rhea sitting in complete darkness doing her makeup, which was confusing. Tough to do! Tough to do your makeup in complete darkness.

That's how you end up looking like gold dust. This is where the baby starts doing radio pranks, right? She turns the radio off, baby turns it back on again. Yeah, I like the idea of a station that plays nothing but horror movie noises that you can land on and presumably in this case, run by like a murder cabal of aborted fetuses, ghosts that want revenge. And they have their own. You're listening to FETUS US all murder babies all the time

But there's a lot there's like baby crying noises and as the subtitles told me male humming And then there's like this low fuckjam music going on underneath of it No, yeah, of course that That's the question, right? Is that part of the baby thing or is that background music? Like, was the baby like, ha ha ha, titter, titter, titter, ching, ching. And then the baby was like, no, can I also just get like a nice bass line? And then a baby fetus ghost fetus on a bass was like, don't do. Yeah, I'm a baby feed.

I'm a ghost fetus, but I also enjoy Jodeci. So let's see what happens right now. Look, everybody likes Jodeci. So Rhea follows the footsteps and the baby laughter down a hall and then the fetus slides out a menacing note on that construction paper and it says, somebody's in here. It says a visit from death with a smiley face that baby that's cheeky baby yeah take a moment for James wands hard-on as he got so excited about a child running in a movie oh yes favorite

thing to put in a movie you're right the scariest the scariest of things obviously yeah so now we cut to her explaining what had happened to Brian thing to put in a movie. You're right. The scariest, the scariest of things. Obviously. Yeah. So now we cut to her explaining what had happened to Brian, her pimp, and he says, well, she needs to get it together because she's going to get $60,000 for two nights for this next client, which she seems to react to like she's getting paid more, but she was getting paid 35K for one night in the last scene. It was a wholesale. Yeah. I know, I get it.

Discount. There's a Groupon. Yeah. They went to Sex Work Costco. Okay. So that night, Nana's making dinner for mom. Goat soup and foo foo is the request. So she goes to make that.

And I don't know what else happens in this scene because mom rustles a paper directly into the microphone. Directly into my brain stem. And then as that's happening, a phone goes off and we get the loudest ringtone along with the loudest newspaper for the rest of the scene. And all the actors are just yelling across the room at each other and can't hear each other. Just pick up the fucking phone. Do you not have voicemail? It should end at some point.

Okay. So now we're cutting to Nana and Christian on a date. They are at a date at that holiday in lobby. We saw him in with Vicky earlier. Good Lord. And this is where he proposes to her. On the first date. But just as he proposes, who should show up? But Vicky, who lives in this Holiday Inn Express as well. Standing in another empty room of this Holiday Inn Express. Yes, who is the only other person in here?

Like, imagine proposing to your girlfriend, and the only other person in the place is your ex-girlfriend. Is your ex-girlfriend. It's so good. Is your ex-girlfriend, yeah. And she comes over and confronts him. She's like, you brought her to where we had our first kiss and I really wanted to manage her to be like, technically the continental breakfast is only for guests. I really need you guys to stop coming here.

Can I just use the waffle iron real quick? No, you can't. No, you're going to. No, it's for guests. Just a little bit. Did you bring your own? Did you bring your own batter? Yes. I don't think you did.

So Nana accepts this proposal by just placing her hand on the table and looking away until the ring is on her finger. Just the saddest thing ever. So now we cut over to Rhea's place. Rhea gets killed by the fetus. And then it kills her pimp too. And can I only say this stabbing scene is really interesting because like it seemed like they didn't have a big blood budget, right?

Like they bought one small canister of Ben Nye and they really needed to make it last for all the stabbings in the rest of this film. And for the shower scene, of course. Yeah, most of it went to that. And I know what you're thinking. OK, how's mom's mental health? Christian's mom? Well, good. We're going to explore that in this scene. Jesus Christ. What?

Why? But I do like the way this scene. Why is this mom? We finally get a character that's feeling what we're all feeling while watching this movie. I just can't. I don't think I can go on. I don't think I can keep going. She's empty inside. Yeah.

Nana comes in and she's like, Christian proposed. And she's like, Oh, I'm so happy for you. Now Nana's super excited, which she was not, but go on. Souls are very heavy. Yeah. So that night she's, she's putting on mom's bonnet. And Nana is doing the entirety of this conversation. She's like, so you didn't tell me what you're going to wear to the wedding tomorrow?

Are you going to surprise me? And again, it's just complete pause. And she's like, okay, I love you. And they don't speak again. At this point, I wrote in my notes, this is how Heath and I communicate and why he misses mood dang when I introduced it to him for the first time. Okay, that baby hippo is delightful. That's right.

And you would have known about it so much sooner if you listened to my text messages. If you sent a reasonable amount of them, I would have known right away. They're all bulldogs and hippos. They're all things you'll like. I don't send you things about my life. Some friends reach out to friends for help and support. I just send you bulldogs. I'm not having this fight on air.

Not in front of Katie and Alec, damn it. Speaking of help and support, mom needs to be put on some sort of watch. Oh, a hundred percent. She's way too depressed. No. If she's just like, is this what she's talking about? No, no, no. She's like, can you just have my son come in and wake me up in the morning?

I want him to find my body. I mean, I'm wake me up in the morning. All her fucking idea. This was all her fucking fault. What is she doing? This care, there's been no sign that this character is suicidal or unhappy for the entire film except for this scene. And she's like, and will you put on some soothing music?

It's the playlist called Music to Kill Myself 2. If you could just play that real quick. And then right before Nana leaves, she's like, goodbye, Nana. And Nana's just like, all right, see you in the morning. Sleep tight. Is the implication that she finally got someone else to take care of Christian? Yeah. I guess. So she doesn't have to do it anymore.

Yeah. She can't handle the burden of the chair anymore. I guess. So now we cut over to Tim. Remember Tim, the white guy who had really and extremely little to do with this movie? He gets murdered by the fetus. His friend walks in and says, you're not making a mess on my floor, are you? This is the second time this happens in the movie.

What? It is. Because earlier there's a cereal bowl left in the middle of the floor. It's true. It's a real problem between them. I guess Tim is a messy boy. Okay, go ahead. Yeah, there's a chore wheel that he ignores.

It's a real thing. So now, as was heavily hinted at, Christian finds mom. He sees that she's taken all her pills. But like, again, I don't understand what message that was supposed to be for us, the Christian audience. I cannot, I am flabbergasted by it on the day of their wedding. Yeah.

Really? Yeah, it seems like she just wanted to ruin their wedding for some reason. The wedding that she enforced. The wedding that she created. Yeah, it makes no sense. But so now Nana is in her wedding dress sobbing on the phone. Wait, wait, wait. I have a theory. Okay. All right. Is there any chance

the ghost fetus can embody people and was embodying the mom? 100%. Yeah. As a punishment. For? Like I'm gonna gonna let this wedding, all the buildup happen. She's possessed by the fetus, you think? And then last second try to ruin the wedding. Yeah, possessing mom and ruining the wedding. That's super spiteful, because this mom wanted to save that baby. Yeah, possible. The baby is just a force of destruction.

So spiteful. But yeah, Christian's down at, I assume the morgue, you know, pushing his mom into the incinerator and Nana's like, well, of course we'll push back the wedding. He's like, nah, we already have the appointment. Let's still do it. I already lost my mom today. Let's not cut my wedding too, right? He literally says, I already lost my mom today.

I don't want to lose you too. You can do it next weekend, my dude. But then as she slowly walks out of the room, she hears baby giggling. And water. And finds another fetus note that says, Hi, mummy, are you afraid? And then she wanders down the hallway some more. And we hear a mysterious clock ticking.

And then we get another note that says every deed has consequences. And then the subtitles inform us that we're hearing baby laughing, baby crawling, stabbed. So I guess this fetus monster left a trail of notes this time, like multiple notes. Well, this is his finale, right? His or her finale. I guess. Yeah. It would have been funny if Nana missed one of the notes

and Fetus Demon had to be like, no, go back. Go back to the living room and look on the mirror there. Stand outside of this door. Colder, hotter, hotter. The subtitles just say, furious scribbling, and another note drops down. Exactly, yeah. Then we flash back to her dream with the little girl where the little girl says every human

being will die once after the judgment. And then she gets stabbed by the baby. We get a title screen that says save a baby. And then another title screen that says to God be the glory. And I can't emphasize this strongly enough That's the end of the movie Seriously it also says if you've ever received help from someone it's because a baby was saved Save a baby and make the world a better place for someone so it was like a

So good. It's a wonderful life type of scenario with like... Right. But Clarence slept through his alarm, so he just shows up at the suicide river bridge, you know, where he's, George is dead underneath and he's like, anyways, God be the glory. And Clarence is a fetus. Yeah. Yes, exactly. And the demon.

But also, if you've ever been randomly punched in the face by somebody it's because a baby was Yeah, so not a good story Not masterful storytelling, I don't think it's gonna get the Oscar nod no, okay, but more importantly Especially with your expertise in horror movies Katie and Alan importantly, especially with your expertise in horror movies, Katie and Alan, what horror franchise needs to team up with Stabby Fetus? Well, I think the obvious choice is the Fast and the Furious. And if you don't think that's a horror franchise, look at the body count in those movies. I was going to say the Fast and the Fury fetus.

The amounts of innocent dead. So many dead. Yeah, I'm with Alan. All right. Yep. Yep. I agree. You guys probably didn't hear probably Skype broke.

I see that. What did you say? No, you heard it. Okay. I just like the fetus of the furious, the more obvious one. I didn't hear you guys busting up some cards. So I just assumed. Is it the fetus and the furious? The more obvious one. Faster. I didn't hear you guys busting up some cards, so I just assumed you missed it.

Okay, they could be in Tokyo Drift with the wheelchair. Two fetus, two furious? Yes! This is what I'm talking about. Oh. Family. Family planning. Yeah.

Fantastic! Shit, guys, I think we're onto it. All right. I think that's going to wrap it up for the clot. But that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we did find another terrible movie. Eli, what's on deck? Well Heath, we're continuing our Halloween spooktacular. David, a Bible-toting teenage outcast new to Mission Point, Florida, discovers a mysterious

underground society that is secretly led by the mayor of this small town. Learning of their plans for sacrifice, David is forced to test his faith to save the citizens from the Wheelmakers and their evil intentions. Is it too late? The Wheelmakers? That's the name of the bad guy. That's the name of the antagonist. Yep. Is it too late?

Find out on the eve of enshrinement. We'll be watching Church of Darkness. Hell yeah. Wheelmaking. Okay. So with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode of 476 to a merciful close. Huge thanks to Katie and Alan for joining us. Really appreciate it as always.

Thank you for having us. Where can everyone hear more from you if they'd like to hear more from you? You can find us on any of your pod catchers. Werewolf Ambulance, a horror comedy podcast. You can find us on Patreon. If you want to give us some cash money. So many kind, kind, gam listeners have come over to the Patreon. It's amazing. Excellent. And yeah, you can hopefully find us on another episode of God Awful Movies at some point.

Yeah. Thank you guys so much for having us again. Yeah. Oh my God. Anytime. Absolutely. And of course, a big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity. If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful. That'll get you early access to an ad free version of every episode. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the Skating Atheists, Citation Needed, Skeptocrat and D&D minus available in all the podcast places. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email god awful movies

at gmo.com. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick, a legal giraffe on Mars, while other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark and was used and Demon Fetus learns about Etsy.com and begins ordering their stationery from there. Sex Trafficker Guy will volunteer as a docent because he loves explaining things to people. Vicky went on to win that breakup hard. Fetus and the Furious family planning made one billion dollars internationally. I love that you typed that in the notes in real time. Hell yeah. Better than what I had. You could just say thank you. Block!

You can't block me. I'm standing right here. No you're not. I blocked you. Just Eli turning away. In semi-circles, slowly but surely. Just in the chair from the voice. Yes, exactly.

Baby with a soul patch is what you need to be picturing right now. Cause that's what it is. I'm just picturing the singer of Smash Mouth now. I did look like that. Guy Fieri for you. I did. Yeah. I had a lot of that going on.

Okay. We're moving on. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2024. All rights reserved.