God Awful Movies - 478: Dolls

Episode Date: October 15, 2024

This week, Anna Bosnick joins us to review Dolls, a strident political commentary...and a ridiculous horror(?) movie about dolls. If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts

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BitMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Do you mind not interrupting me? And she's like, I think the house is going to fall down. And he's like, okay, well, why don't we talk about it? Can we talk about it later? How dare you? How dare you? How much flood insurance do we have? We have lice. How dare you. How much flood insurance do we have? We have lice.

We get a guy to come and lift the basement and then probably not kill himself but like fix the safety. Go through about, yeah no go ahead, go through about like ten more of my anxieties. Go right ahead, go right ahead. I think, yeah, she's like, oh yeah every time I leave a party and I'm having a fun time I just think of what a fucking fool I've been the entire time. He's doing it in the middle of his monologue. I've taken Lexapro.

God awful movies. Movies. Movies. Movies. Movies. Welcome back to God awful movies. We're each week, we watch another terrible movie so you don't have to. I'm your host, T10 Right, and I'm joined by the Eli Bosnik. Eli, how's it going? Welcome back to God awful movies where each week we watch another terrible movie so you don't have to.

I'm your host Ethan Wright and I'm joined by the Eli Bosnik. Eli, how's it going buddy? Pretty good, Ethan. Hope you don't mind that I brought the old ball and chain to this week's episode. Fun. This is a fun dynamic from the top. Wow. That's my energy the whole fucking show everybody. Buckle in. Come in hard, New Jersey husband. A guy making you uncomfortable in a Jiffy Lube waiting room. That's what I'm bringing. You know, when we first started this show,

Noah was like, hey man, so like statistically, you gotta remember that like seven people, it's their first time listening to the show. Hey, do you mind if I introduce Anna before you explain this? No! This is, they know! There's no, this is no one's first episode! Here's the thing, no one heard that first thing, if they don't already know our show, and is still listening. Zero people.

Okay, go on, sorry, Jiffy Lube guy. Yeah, no, go for it. No, I've already, what I was saying is those seven people all turned off the podcast This one this one comes from the gut this was just for him Okay well as I was saying when I got interrupted and mansplained to we also have the Anna Bosnic Anna welcome back. Oh sup everybody apparently my husband has decided to

Go there like I don't know king of queens sort of vibe. Yeah, you know what it is? She's been watching Kevin can fuck himself in the other room. Interesting. And I think he's been really learning the wrong lesson from it. I'm coming away that Kevin's a great guy

and he makes cool choices. Okay, we did that with Archie Bunker for a long time in America. Right? And that worked out great. Now we're doing Kevin. That generation turned out awesome, right? Yeah.

Let's get right into it. Anna. Oh boy. What are we going to be breaking down today? We watched Dolls. It's the story of an elderly couple who have solved the prison system, I think. Sure have. They came up with the perfect way to rehabilitate domestic abusers and I guess troubled youths or whatever.

Or I don't know. Got it in one, yeah. Kinda, kinda. I mean, it's also not great. There's some problems obviously, but it's way better than the current system we got, so. Okay, hot take, I loved this film. Interesting.

I also loved this film! I thought it was an excellent film. It was good, guys, this film was good. This film was... You know how pickles are zero calories? This movie is zero movie. Interesting. I don't think pickles are zero calories. Pickles are zero calories.

They're not, but effectively sometimes some foods like are a net negative in calories. Keith, do you see the gun to my head on this side call right now? Alright. Do you see? If you chew your pickle, what, like, one thousand times before you swallow it, sure. Okay, so when I say this is... Hey guys, I'm sorry I'm going to miss the rest of the podcast. I'm furiously Googling our pickles zero calories.

They're not zero calories, it's food. Okay, whatever. Anyway, here's what I mean when I say I very much enjoyed this film. I think it's not a great movie in the typical movie ways, but it's important as a film culturally. And we'll explain why as we go. Important.

But on the flip side of this fight between me and Anna versus Eli, Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you like creepy doll attack movies like Chucky and Small Soldiers, but you wish the dolls were very obviously the protagonists, you will love this movie. So here's the funny thing. Oh, I'm team doll the whole time. I'm almost literally,

pretty much literally the protagonist. There's no moment at which I wasn't like the dolls are doing great. We'll get to it, right? I would be spoiling the entire movie to talk through how right the dolls are at every conceivable moment of the movie, but they are. They are always correct at all points. This is what I mean though, that it's culturally important. I think it's a good message what they're doing with the dolls. Yeah, they're solving the prison system. Exactly. So he gets home and he's like, guys so the episode you recorded while I was gone a little bit loose in the beginning also it was very clear that you were saying political violence is necessary towards the end there and I really I didn't. I am saying that. Yeah. So, dolls, dolls from 1986 wants you to kill

a Supreme Court justice. I said they didn't get it all the way right, okay? They didn't get it all the way right. It's not great now though. It's really not right right now. Sometimes you gotta do that. Okay, sometimes you gotta use a doll. Is there anything you'd like to nominate this one

for being the best at being the worst at? Oh, best worst accent reveal. Is there anything you'd like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Oh, best worst accent reveal. 100%. And I love an accent reveal. This one had me wheezing on the ground with laughter. There are so many possibilities of what you're talking about. Are you talking about Isabel?

I am talking about Isabel. I have a phonetic, we'll get to it, but I have a phonetic. Exactly what she said. I'm very excited. The British accent on this character is bananas. And we will get to it. Yes. OK. I'm going to go with best worst ads in Michigan. Oh, interesting.

So I'm in like the battleground of this fucking election. And sure, swing state Republicans have spent bajillions of dollars some of which was wasted on me personally which I enjoyed and they put a bunch of ads on everything including Pluto Yeah, oh my god and so their ads it's nothing but attack ads on Kamala Harris, obviously. Of course. And they got crazier each time. It's like they set it up to ramp throughout this movie. So first it was like, you know, Kamala Harris hates plaid shirts, and I love plaid shirts. I'm a guy who works and has plaid shirts.

But then it was like, Kamala Harris cut a hole in the fence and helped drag queen immigrants get in who murdered people And then like at the end it was just like Kamala Harris murdered me. I'm dead If you could hear this Kamala Harris is murdering me right now. Oh my god, please please Your shitty flyover stay it's my last also I'm I'm Santa Mr. Buffer and your shitty flyover. Stay. It's my last. Also, I'm Santa. This is me, Santa. That was the progression of ads. Almost exactly. Only slightly exaggerated.

Wow. Yeah. All of my ads since I had a child are just parent-shaming ads. They're just like, abcmouse.com. There was a time when abcmouse.com's ads were like, teach your kid to read, and now they're like, look at their stupid fucking dead eyes. That's you. You did that.

But I guess if the only thing you can schlep them in front of is an iPad, come on over to abcmouse.com. abcmouse.com, we're picking up where you left off. Oh my God. And I'm going to go with best worst candle use. So there is no moment in this movie where someone will use a candle to light the space they are in. Yeah. But everyone will always light a candle.

This movie was made, I think it was sponsored heavily by big candle. Big candle. Yeah. Big candle. Big match. It was effective on me. Several times I was like, I want to get some candelabras for my house. I don't need them, but they seem nice. Yeah. They seem like antiques.

All right. That's how they're going to try to say the word antique later. We're going to get to that too. One of those bone mows Heath loves so much. But first we're going to take a quick break and then we're back to tell you all about Dolls, the 1986 or 87 one. All right, everybody, welcome to the first writers' room meeting for Dolls.

Woo! All right, so I think it's pretty obvious. This is gonna be a horror movie about a house full of extremely creepy dolls, right? Oh, so scary. Yeah, so how are they going to do it? Do what? What do you mean? Kill people. How do the dolls in the movie kill people?

Oh, yeah, you know, like knives, hammers, axes. Oh, oh, so they have like super strength? Nice. Wait, what? The dolls? No, no, just it's normal doll strength. But a normal doll couldn't kill a person. What?

Yes, it could. Absolutely good. They're the size of babies. But they're killer babies. Okay, so to be clear for the killer doll movie, you want normal, full-bodied adults to lose fights to dolls. There's normal dolls to the death. To death multiple times, yes.

Okay. Well, still not as stupid as Quiet Place, so we can make it. Or Bird Box, for that matter. Or Bird Box, yeah. Hey, question, do you guys think the bird box monster is angels by any chance? No, that's stupid. Yeah, not me either. That is stupid. So do you like have a team? My brother likes the Seahawks. I'm from Seattle. I don't know. Okay. So I guess them. Seahawks. Got it. Yeah. Stop what you're doing right now Heathen, right?

Hey, hey, Eli. What why are you dressed like a cop? What are you doing? God, we never should have bought our son that Paw Patrol costume cuz you're trying to goad my wife into the illegal and seedy world of sports betting um Eli sports betting It's not illegal. Oh Sure, if you don't mind having your credit card stolen by a spy site in Yemen that disappears with all your money. Yemen is a weird poll. Yeah, agree.

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21 plus age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction void in Ontario. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see dkng.co slash FTBALL. Wow, Heath, thanks. All right. I guess you're not under arrest after all. Yeah. Plus, those cuffs are plastic and don't open. I was going to ask you to pretend.

Got it. Yep. And we're back and we're going to start off with a very long intro segment with disembodied doll heads and a creepy music box orchestra. Yeah. An orchestra done on one of those like vintage keyboards, because it was not an actual orchestra. It was a vintage keyboard playing orchestra sounds. And then my sons, Melissa and Doug Glockenspiel. Okay. Yeah.

I found this very scary. I'm scared of dolls. Oh. Dolls kind of just terrify me. See, I played with them as a kid, because I have the heart of a child. So, yeah, well, I did not, a kid because I have the heart of a child. So, yeah, well, I did not and I don't have the heart of a child. You've never been a child.

But I will say I had a personal evolution over the course of this movie. Oh. So I started in a bad place for DOLLS and they really grew on me. And you end in a good place. What happened to me at this point was I was watching it on my computer screen and I look up and I see a fly like walk over one of the dolls faces and I thought oh yeah They're being really creepy about it But then the fly flew off my computer screen into my face and give me a giant fucking pop scare.

You got the 5D experience. Yeah, I was like whoa, okay. Maybe this is a good movie. It turns out I was not disappointed I thought I was gonna be it was a good movie. Now I out I was not disappointed. I thought I was gonna be. It was a good movie. Now, I will say from my experience of this credit sequence, they have like normal doll, normal doll, normal doll, normal doll, and then they have one fucking fat doll. It's the meme! It's the meme girl! Yes.

Running away? They're running away with a stick of butter girl? It's that doll. Fat doll rules. I want him. I want him in my house. I want him on my porch to greet trick or treaters. Absolutely. And then for a second, fat doll was the theme and then they had a normal one again and I lost interest. Okay. I wanted to know about the meme with the girl running with butter. That's awesome. Yeah. See how much you miss out on him.

She's grabbing a stick of butter loose and running away with it being like, fuck you. Yeah. It's great. Because it's been mean to grabbing all everything, everything. Like grabbed a twisted T and running away, grabbing a like, fuck you. Yeah, it's great, because it's been memed with grabbing everything, everything. Like, grabbed a twisted tea and running away, grabbing a, like, a fucking, you know, whatever, grabbing a moodang and running away, it's been memed to hell. I like the energy of that. Yeah, it's a really good energy.

So now it's time to get into the movie proper. So we're gonna see some kids almost get hit by a car, and then we smash cut to the interior where we're going to meet the main characters of our movie, bad mom and dad and Judy, their daughter. These punks, these girls who are singing in the field and then like almost get hit by the car, they are like the quintessential little baby Anna idolized, wanted to be these punks growing up in tiny small town hippieville USA. Okay.

Absolutely. It's like if your boomer dad had to draw Madonna. That's how these two actors are dressed. The 80s were pretty fun in terms of what people were wearing. Absolutely. Also, I found the mom, the stepmom, we're gonna learn, Rosemary, to be an interesting choice in terms of costuming. Yes.

So, in the 80s, I don't remember moms dressing like fortune teller flappers from the 20s, but that's what Rosemary's doing. Okay, she has a hair story, because she is doing like a little, a little edie from Grey Gardens, sort of like head scarf thing. Yeah. Also this actress can I say just looks spitting image of Pearl from RuPaul's Drag Race. Yeah. I don't know if you watched that.

There's a lot of that. That season. She looks almost exactly like Pearl. Like kind of dead in the eyes sort of like thing. The pouty lip. It's like on point. She's serving Cruella De Vil realness. Absolutely. Yes. This is this is the Cruella De Vil prequel.

Don't let Disney fool you with that weird Emma Stone movie. This is the one that actually predates it. Also, I don't know why. I think it was because they put Judy in a wig that was very obviously not her hair. Judy, the little girl, looks like a little boy in a wig the whole time. Like there was a miscasting and they were like, damn it, we named the character Judy. And they were like, it's fine, it's fine. We got plenty of dolls.

We'll just cut the top off one of their heads and put it on this kid. You don't mind, do you, son? He's like, no. Okay. Also small detail. Judy is pretending to read Hansel and Gretel in the back seat. And we see that. Foreshadowing.

Yeah. So I think this movie was very much based on Hansel and Gretel, but they don't really know what that book slash story was about. Yeah. Do they mean cannibalism? Do they mean witches getting lost in the woods? The movie throws in witches at the end. It does come back, you guys. It comes back in a major way.

Okay. Hansel and Gretel specifically. And Hansel and Gretel is about bad parenting, and we get two very bad parents here. And there's a boy and a girl, and they save each other. Yeah, Hansel and Gretel is about two parents who try to murder their kids because there's a famine, right? Isn't that the beginning of that story? It's one of the versions, yeah. Yeah, that's where it goes.

So they drive for a little bit, they almost hit those teens, and then their car runs out of gas. I don't know, it starts raining and then their car stops. Yeah. It runs really hard into the rain, like, physically. Yeah. I expected the rain to be like in the road when they got out clutching its ankle and telling it it was going to soothe them. I'm gonna need your information. I'm water. I will say this, it immediately stopped raining the second that guy got out of the car. Yeah. The whole setup here is that it's storming too hard, but then the minute they get out of the car, it's not raining at, not only is it not raining, it's not even wet. No, and they're stuck in the mud. Yep. From all the rain. He kicks the car, but this is an 80s car when all cars were the size of a fucking tank and

had no seat belts, so it does nothing. Also, wait, wait. It is also, it's a British car though, because she is on, she is driving and she is on the right side. I don't know if you guys probably know that, but a full on American accent, so we have no idea where the fuck we are. Yes. These are apparently Bostonians on vacations somewhere in England, I guess, after all the accents sort of measure out. I think that's what we're supposed to be thinking. Sure.

They're all American actors doing British accents, to be clear, but yeah. Quite badly. Yeah. This is also where we establish relationship dynamics. Judy gets out of the car and Rosemary's like, do the thing and she's like, you're not my mother. And then they actually have to go through it and be like, you're right, I'm not your mother.

I'm just married to your father who recently divorced your mother. And she was like, I think she got it when I just did the, you're not my mother. Right. And I wrote in my notes, hey, for the younger members of our audience, this is the relationship that all your millennial friends grew up in, so just be nice to us is what I'm saying. Be nice. Yeah, they do not like Judy. My parents loved each other.

Just me? Cool. Check your parents loved each other privilege. I don't know. You'll get to know about my parents later in the movie. Right. Yes. And because this is a horror movie and everyone must always make this choice, they're going

to walk to the spooky house they see down the road to ask for some help. But they're broken down. Oh my God. I'm so bored. The similarities, the similarities between this movie and Rocky Horror Picture Show are like pretty dead on. I was very much expecting, I mean we saw the punks earlier, so it was already getting me like thinking that kind of like vibe and then I was really hoping that like some character actors were going to open the door for them.

Yeah, Frankenfurters Castle is down the block. It's actually just a block full of castles with various cakes, and this is the dolls one. All right. If they played this movie at a local theater on a regular basis with like costumes, I would go for sure. I would absolutely dress up. Absolutely.

And my outfit is about to be revealed. Oh, giant teddy bear? Oh, absolutely giant teddy bear! Giant teddy bear, yes. So what we get here is a sequence where Rosemary, that's the stepmom, the wicked stepmother, if you will, like the bear is slowing the little girl down? It's not, she's just carrying. She's carrying her teddy bear, yeah.

But because Rosemary needs to establish herself as a villain, she throws the bear into the woods, and then we get an absolutely bizarre sequence where a guy in a teddy bear suit lumbers out of the woods, but then... Giant teddy bear. Like taller than them. Established that it's way taller than the adults.

And then a monster bear bursts out of the bear suit costume and kills Rosemary... And the father. Right. But it's just in Judy's imagination. Oh, no, I'm sorry. It it mauls the father and the and the and the stepmom. And then it turns to the camera and she's and Judy's like, Oh, big bear, big Teddy, why would you do that?

And the bear literally is like, hey, he doesn't. Ain't I a stinker shrug? We doesn't. Ain't I a stinker shrug? And it's pretty fantastic. He's he's the Carl the Pug-a-Pug-a-corn vibes character 100% in in this people in their podcast verse whatever they have He's their Carl the Pug-a-Pug-a-corn for sure But Judy wakes up from her daydream where her father and stepmother are viciously mauled not Great and it's time for them to head into the house.

So they get inside this basement, right? They're in the spooky basement and there's spooky dolls all over the place. Dad falls into a pile of suitcases like he's a vaudevalle. A pile of empty boxes, actually. It's just totally weird. Totally totally weird. And that of course, like gets the owners of the house. He's there with a shotgun, a shotgun he will not like gets the owners of the house. He's there with a

shotgun, a shotgun he will not use for the rest of the movie in which is very odd to me. Yeah, this couple looks like American Gothic, but done by the American Girl Doll company. Yeah. Yeah. Tim Burton's version of American. Yeah, he's got like a smoking jacket on there like kind of fancy Kind of weird mysterious British couple, but yes American Gothic in terms of the vibe for sure But they've got like rouge on their faces. Yes. Yeah, no, it's it's got very school play vibes They're American Gothic done by your local middle school

Yes, so they follow them upstairs. And wait, wait, wait. There is, and this is something that really pissed me off. There is a straight up suit of armor on the way upstairs. There's a straight up whole ass suit of armor. The girl even stops and looks at it like establishing there is a suit of armor here. And I was like, Oh, fuck. Yes, this is going to come back.

I can imagine like chaperone from the VMAs doll is just going come out and like fucking slay the monster or whatever never fucking comes back never Yeah, we watched you to be like a suit of armor. I noted to myself Fuck you, Anna. This will not come back I will not come back much like every other thing that is noted in the movie But this is where we establish what's gonna be the main conflict between Judy and her parents Which is that Judy has an's going to be the main conflict between Judy and her parents, which is that Judy has an imagination. Now, to be clear, Judy will never say a thing that's not true. Right? Now, what you would do is if you knew how to make movies, you would have Judy like, tell a silly lie or make up a story. And then

in this establishing scene, the parents would be like, sorry, she's got a wild imagination. But instead she's like, it's pretty dark and her and her parents are like, sorry, she is such a drama queen. What a cunt. Six year olds, am I right? Do you think the teddy bear actually attacked them maybe? And it wasn't a daydream? Because she's going to be like, seeing real stuff that seems imaginary, but isn't.

Yeah, the rest of the movie retcons in the idea that the bear was real. I mean, the bear murdered both the parents, and then they were fine. And they are alive for the rest of the film. So those pieces don't seem to come together. Well, it was like a body slam. I don't know if it was a murder.

Was it a murder? No, there was blood. There was a lot of blood. Like it ate the face off. Honestly, it reminded me a lot of the, you guys remember the Fat Bear Week bear who literally ate one of the other bears this year? Ate an entire other bear?

You also don't know about Fat Bear Week? He did, he ate one of the other fat bears, yeah. There's a week for that? There's a Fat Bear Week, oh my God! Last week you didn't know about After Karen, this week you don't know about Fat Bear Week. I'm learning so much, this is great. I don't know what I'm more disappointed in, Heath.

Pebble me. But yeah, so they're, I pebble you all the time. So they wander through the house and their house is full of dolls and these people are doll makers. Now let me explain. The guy says the house gets clammy when it rains. The permission to obliterate the term clammy from existing. Yeah, definitely when describing a home, don't put it in your fucking Zillow listing.

Like I can smell that. That sucks. That sucks a lot. Yeah, that's bad vibes. Bad vibes all the way. Yummy, but charming. So they're walking through the house, right, and they know that there's dolls everywhere, right? And they're like, oh yeah, we're doll makers. And again, for the younger members of our audience, there really did used to be just weird doll people. Like, it wasn't necessarily a horror movie premise. Like one cousin slash aunt, you just walk in one day and they'd be like,

it's about this now. And you'd be like, sure, I guess. Why not? So, you know, it will be a horror movie premise in this case, but, you know, it didn't have to be, is what I'm saying. It didn't have to be. So they walk them through the house. They pass by some a door that's got weird giggling noises. Yeah. He says, what's behind that door?

Or she says, what's behind that door? And it's like, oh yes, that's where we keep our gremlins. That's the sound that they make. It's like the giggle-little-little. I wanted to see a gremlin room. That's what I mean. I know, right? That would have been awesome, yeah. But eventually they make it into the kitchen, right?

Where they have this very weird, very poetic, metaphorical conversation about storms, which Judy, the little girl, will spend the rest of the movie taking literally, right? So one of the lines that the old man says here is like, we love storms. It's like a night that never ends. And throughout the rest of the movie, Judy will be like, yeah, it's because it's the night that never ends. And throughout the rest of the movie, Judy will be like, yeah, it's because it's the night that never ends. And a series of characters will have to be like, no, the old guy. Yeah, that's just the way it is. Those old puppet people speak poetically. That's just a thing they do. No, night's never going to end.

No, no, it will. It will. But it's just that, you know, they talk like that. I do enjoy a storm, though. I kind of like that poetic language. I also do. It's cozy. Yeah, it's cozy. Oh, so cozy. Exactly. It's cozy unless your house is clammy. Obviously. Yeah, not in a clammy house. Can I give this controversial hot take? Storms are cozier if you believe other people are outside, uncomfortable. Without an umbrella. Yeah? Schadenfreude. Oh, storms are about Shadenfreude to you. Yeah. I become diametrically more cozy by how uncozy someone else is. There's a Milton joke here, but we and we're recording this on Thursday night and we don't know how bad the damage was yet.

So I'm going to go ahead and not make it. But I just want you podcast listener to know if Milton turns out to not be a really damaging and deadly force, I would have made Milton. Then do not imagine Eli just covered, covered in blankets, steepling his fingers. Exactly. Just watching CNN while people huddle inside a temple. Okay. I feel like you're steepling your fingers just when there's not storms now, because

you're like, look at me inside the housing that I own. Exactly. Others have not. Oh my God. This like, look at me inside the housing that I own. Ha ha ha ha ha. Exactly, yeah. Others have not. Oh my God, and he watches cops. This is absolutely. And watching cops. I don't watch cops anymore.

I don't believe you. Not anymore. I think you're lying. Moved on, I've gotten stronger. Hannah, is he lying? Ha ha ha ha. He doesn't watch any of that shit in front of Max. Let's be honest.

As far as you know. As far as she does. As far as I know, it's true. My secret cop stash under the floorboards. Only on airplanes. This is also where we learn American Gothic, the couple's names. He's Gabriel and she's Hillary. I wrote my notes, I'm Gabriel, this is Hillary, you should have voted for her.

Yeah, they immediately, as soon as a new character comes on stage, they're like, oh, and this is Blake, blah, blah, blah, blah, and this is his whole backstory. Yeah. They're very intense about naming characters. They've only got an hour and 15 minutes of movie. We're just shouting out names as soon as we hit the scene. That's the rules. Absolutely. They also aim for foreboding and missing this scene in a way that I really love.

At one point, the old guy is like, Storms helped me with my work. And the guy and the husband jokes, what's that, witchcraft? And he goes, close doll making. And I wrote my notes. I don't think it's close unless you are an evil doll maker, man. I think that's right. I think that's right.

But yeah, Gabriel and I guess his wife, too, they're... Hillary. Hillary, they're doll makers, toy makers. And he gives Judy a doll. He gives her a Mr. Punch doll. Mr. Punch. Because, you know, Punch and Judy. Who has his own theme music.

And that was like what they wrote this whole thing around. But to be clear, tell me if I'm right. Is this me reading into this too much? This guy, Gabriel, and his wife, Hillary, they're fucking the puppets, right? Like that's what's happening. Oh, they get freaky in this. And there is a lot of evidence that they get freaky. Real upside down pineapple energy.

They're a toy maker if you know what I'm talking about. Okay, yeah. Important to notice that in life. Like no judgment. Puppet fuckers are delightful. But just know what you're getting into, right? Yeah. Also, weird that, like, if he's gonna give her punch

and he knows that the dolls can, like, move around and talk, like, she's about to learn a lot of misogynistic jokes real quick. I don't know if you guys have gone back to Punch and Judy, but it's gonna get rough. Oh, great. Oh, yeah, for the younger people in our audience, I mean, we weren't alive for for this but there used to be a whole Comedy act anybody who isn't from the 1200s Eli's got exactly in case you're because you've read a book that wasn't printed on a scroll

It still happens these things still happen. It's just a punch and Judy. It was like the original sitcom It's two two people who hate each other and just beat each other up the entire time. The whole thing is like... Yeah, they would actually beat each other up. Yeah, with a bat. And he's got a little bat! He does! He has a little bat. Spoiler alert, it's going to matter. It is. Oh, also, we have to talk about the soup.

Yes, thank you. Hillary is making what appears to be a gray snow. Pond water? Yeah, But also like glowering at everybody and cackling evilly as she's like human stew is what's happening here. For sure.

Looks like there's algae growing. Like I was surprised there wasn't a frog just jumping out of it. The fact that nobody turns into a werewolf after drinking this stuff is a real inconsistency in the form. I did enjoy their china though. She's seriously a nice china.

Nice china. And the 80s were all about waiting for guests to serve on your nice china. So this was a big day for her as well. Full of lead. It's fine though. So now all the rest of the characters are going to burst into the movie because we don't have time to establish all this shit. Oh, I'm sorry.

A punk smashes through the window. Yep. And we get to my best verse, which is best verse accident reveal. The punk from earlier, one of the punks from earlier, smashes through the window and says, and I quote, Jeus!

Oh, I file my choice! Yep. It's, it is waiting for Guffman levels of... Truly. Yeah, it is Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins, but Bert has fallen on hard times and turned to sex work. That is what he's going for. It's a rough accent.

British actors are a thing that exists. Like you're allowed to hire. I've heard they have them. I've heard there's one or two. This was shot in Italy, which is closer even to where those British actors generally are. I was surprised. But all the actors are American and you know this because they speak in American actors. Even the ones that are supposed to be living in this house. Like they do the sort of Princess Leia of accent going in and out and in and out. But like she's the only

she really she had one she had one thing she stuck to. Yeah, for sure. One method and it was. Yeah, she had one method and it was. Gulp, no. Okay, this accent was so bad, I'll be honest, when she first burst in and said what Anna just said, I was like, is this the real mom from Boston doing a Cecil accent for the first time?

No. Truly. But so this is the two girls. I don't know if they get names. Their names won't matter. Oh, they get names. Everybody gets names. The second they appear, they're,

by the way, I'm Isabelle and this is Enid. And everyone's like, oh, it's my tune. And I'm David and I'm Rosemary. And I'm like, they go around the room every single time. But they got a ride from Ralph, who will be our protagonist. Ralph is T.Mu Sean Astin, as Anna has him in her notes. Yes, exactly. Yes, T.Mu Sean Astin.

And honestly, putting on the full Samurai's Gamgee charm, like, Ralph could get it. Interesting. Ralph's awesome. Ralph is hot. I agree. Huh. He's got like, he's got like early dad bod going on in a good way for sure. In a very good way. He's also an idiot. Yes, he is also an idiot. He has childlike, childlike wonderment in an idiot way, which is charming.

And that's kind of a big deal in terms of the political message of the movie that I was saying was important earlier. And he is the only one who also understands, oh, I'm in a horror movie. And this is not right. This is weird. That's true. Yeah. No, he is aware that he's in a horror movie. All right. So now it's time for everyone to head up to bed, which I think is weird because they don't do the establishing scene where the person's like, it's too late for you to head out tonight. Right.

Usually they have like a one liner where the the spooky ghost person ghost person says like you'll never get through this rain and fog But instead they're just like well, it's a horror movie. We should all separate Outside let's go upstairs Yeah in the room and Judy speaking of you sort of breaking that fourth wall Judy stops Ralph on the way up the stairs and is like hey Ralph Are we in a horrible very we in a horror movie? Very clearly in a horror movie. You seem like a reasonable adult and won't like try to threaten to slap me or something. Yeah. Also they have this great moment where they're showing everyone to their rooms and every time they open the door, it's

just a different room full of dolls. And you can see the mom and dad trying to find a politically correct way to ask, do you have a room that isn't filled with dolls? Oh, and all the beds are like those two twins that are pushed together. Fucking hate those things. They do not act like a normal... It's the worst. It's the worst. Someone's always falling down the crack.

Honestly, that's the worst thing. It keeps you in your zone. No. No, no, no, no. Awful. When you want to do the cuddle, you get on the same one. But then when you want to be in zones, you, no, no. Awful. When you want to do the cuddle, you get on the same one. But then when you want to be in zones, you've got the zones.

No, if you want to get a cuddle, you try to get on the same one, and one person falls in the gap between, and the other person rolls off the bed. Keith, you couldn't cuddle yourself on a twin bed. I cuddle myself all the time. Doing it right now. Not on a twin bed. Yeah, that's true.

I have a double right behind me right now. Exactly, yeah. Use it as a sound bar. So yeah, he puts the punks in their room He puts the parents in their room and now he brings Ralph and Judy downstairs Now, let me clarify something for you all podcast listener He brings Ralph and Judy downstairs to show them his workshop I spent the next eight minutes of the movie being like, are Ralph and Judy staying in the same room? Me too! I was like, this is not right.

They don't, they don't, which was good. But it is weird. Clarify fast. Weird behavior to be like, I'm going to show, your parents are going to go here and the teenagers are going to go here and you two, I'm going to show you my special workshop. You're in the honeymoon suite and you two, I'm going to show you my special workshop.

You're in the honeymoon suite, if you know what I mean. So no, they're in the workshop, and Ralph is fascinated by these dolls, because again, he has the heart of a child. The problem is, everyone else is in a horror movie, and Ralph is in the foreground playing with dolls throughout this scene, so they're doing spooky exposition.

I'm so glad you've joined us. And Ralph is just in mid-screen being like, ah, cute! Ah, laser face! Yeah, and during this it's kind of cut between back in the rooms where the two punks are like, smoking and being like, oh, and we're gonna steal his wallet tonight

when he all goes to sleep and stuff like that. Fucking putting a boombox on the thing. Yeah. That's fucking wild. So I liked the big speech we get. Ralph's fucking psyched about these toys. He's doing the noises and then he stops and he gives a long long speech, beautiful speech about the joy and wonder of little toys that aren't mass-produced. And Gabriel, who is a doll maker, is loving it. This guy is iraqt right behind Ralph. It's me yes-ending a problematic Uber driver is what he's doing.

It's just like, oh, yeah, totally, man. Absolutely. You know what? Here's fine in the middle of the bridge. Yeah, no, this is good. I can walk from here. Totally man, absolutely. You know what? Here's fine in the middle of the bridge. Yeah. No, this is good So now Hillary's gonna come into the punks room, right and and makeup shame them Well, honestly, she does it in a really nice way. She's just like, oh, I don't know what that is I assumed you wanted to wash it off your face. Please dear God take a shower

You smell like wet possums, but like she does it so nicely. And they're like, it's good, Mike, I'm down to what to do, mom. And it's it's it's kind of wild, the reaction that she gets from them, because she's being really nice about it. Yeah, I think this was a moment of excellent writing of the movie. Interesting. So the punk makeup, the punk makeup is a lot like doll makeup. And we see close up of it and we see close-ups of it, and we see the close-ups of both, actually, and I was like, this is interesting.

They're talking about humanity in a very important way. I think we can learn from this movie. Oh. Right. Yeah. My goodness. Aren't we all wearing a mask in some sense? Wow.

Thank you. Mind blown, right? Yeah. Sure. That's you. That's your mind. That's us. And the audience at home. Can I say? That's the big thing. Excuse me, I'm just gonna scratch my porcelain on my face. This is also where we get the malapropism. Okay, so I have to explain this. This movie will occasionally grind itself to a halt for a malaprop moment or a pun moment. But it's like it's like you're at a fucking fiddle festival and someone has like halted the conversation. Oh, this is the word antique thing.

And so the British girl says antiques wrong. She calls them anticues. Sorry, not anticues. Antiquees. Right. Right. And then the other actor's like, you mean antiques? And she's like, antiques.

And she's like, so you can't hear? Is it a hearing thing? Again, like it is played for laughs, but in the middle of a horror movie. I have no idea why they ham-f fistedly stuffed this joke into the scene because again Yeah, it completely kills the momentum right the entire scene has to stop and turn to her and go yes You did pronounce that word incorrectly Can we move on she's like I think maybe they were just establishing You know the societal condition of class warfare here

between the less wealthy punk generation and the older mansion-established generation. Heath, when we started this podcast, we had three rules. And the first one was no doing a bunch of mushrooms and reading Theodore of a Thousand Faces before episodes. And I feel like you have broken that rule. I did a microdose. So the point is that the two punk ladies are gonna steal all the anti-cues from the house.

Yes, that's why they want to know if they're... Their original plan was to like steal Sean Astin's wallet or whatever, but now they're like, oh, we can just like steal a bunch of expensive stuff from the house. Oh yeah. We can just get like a bunch of candlesticks and whatever. And the plan is, we're gonna turn the radio on that we brought in our tiny little bag, shoulder bag, sure, turn it into like punk music playing,

what this movie thinks is punk music, it's just guitars. And no one will hear us, we'll sneak out, and nobody will know we've gone. Says the girl that is wearing so many chains and bangles that like, it clinks every time she blinks. Like it's a lot. You can hear it in the foley. It's a lot.

The mics pick it up. It's like, every time she moves an arm. All right. Well, we've got two thieves, two very terrible parents, a delightful little girl, an adorable man boy, Sean Astin, and two old puppet fuckers who definitely swing. So we're going to see how that all goes. But first we're going to take a quick break and then we'll be back with more dolls. Thanks so much for letting us in your house, sir.

Really appreciate it. Yeah, yeah, we were getting soaked out there. Thank you so much. It is no problem. Wow, I'm just looking around. You sure have a lot of dolls. Indeed I do. I've always had the heart of a child.

Oh, that's nice. I find so few people these days have the heart Of a child I mean sure sure yeah, so many people are busy racing about there is no time for wonder joy and Sense mm-hmm totally yeah Okay, this guy is a nut bag. He feels like a right-winger. I think he just likes toys, be cool. Yes, times were different back then.

Simpler, better. You might say great again. Or maybe you just appreciate joy, I get it. Yes, the joy of a child, though. I suppose you think I'm a real softy, don't you? Yeah, softy. Exactly. Sure, yeah. Either of you got some Chinese blood? You seem sneaky.

Yeah, he's Chinese. I knew it! Gotcha. Alright, you guys ready for the next ad? Totally. Let's do it. Alright, Anna, your lines are right up at the top, right here. Alright, totally. All right, and your lines are right up at the top right here. All right. Okay

Hey there, I'm Anna Bosnik a bodacious babe and there's nothing we babes like the big bulgy muscles Eli. What is this? Oh, oh, this is an ad for fit bod It's this really cool fitness app and I figured we could like shame people into downloading it using your feminine wiles Oh say shredded. Yes shredded is a good thing that you want. Yoaked. Guys, guys, with FitBod, we don't need any of that hyped up crap. FitBod creates a personalized workout routine based on your goals, fitness level, and available equipment.

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That's F-I-T-B-O-D dot M-E slash G-A-M. Alright, thanks. dot me slash gam that's fit bod dot me slash Gam all right. Thanks. Oh, but before we finish the ad will you say this one down here this line? I can't resist a man with a blitzing butt nice. Thanks Blitzing that's me. Yeah, man. Yeah Jealous. Yeah, you are blitzing And we're back when we left off off, Isabelle and Enid, the punks, were planning a big anti-Q heist. And now we're back with Gabriel, who's taking Ralph and Judy to their respective rooms for the night. Yeah, thank God they're separate rooms. All of our notes at this point are just excited that they're in separate rooms. Also, the ad breaks. I know that he talked about him getting the Michigan one.

I got one. I know. It's not related to the movie, but I do have to speak on it. If you've seen it, YouTube Wendy's Breakfast Burrito ad, they show the ad for the Breakfast Burrito. They have a Breakfast Burrito? Yeah. And you watch this ad and what? No, I actually had it recently. It's not great. Is it good? No?

It's not good. What? No. It's not very good. Get their honey chicken things. But the important thing about this ad is that during it, one of the guys takes a bite out of the side of the breakfast burrito. What? Murder! Out of the side of the breakfast burrito. What? Murder.

Out of the side. Absolutely not. And I truly was not paying attention for the next 15 minutes of the movie. I was just like, why wouldn't someone incorporate that? He took the wrong bite, you mean? Yes. Like the correct bite was somewhere else?

I want you to imagine holding it in between your hands, one hand on either end of the burrito. Oh no. And he bites into it like a sandwich. Yes, exactly like a sandwich. War crime. Literal war crime. Get out of here.

Also make large amounts of those breakfast potatoes and sell them later in the day. They're really good. Okay, the potatoes are good. The breakfast potatoes. I love a junior bacon cheeseburger. Give me some breakfast potatoes with it all day. That sounds amazing.

Instead of those fries, fuck those fries. Get the potatoes all day long. Those are so good. Know your role. You're not a fries place. It's true. Yeah, you're not a fries place I know I'm not writing any jokes right now or saying any jokes, but because I'm screenshotting I found commercial and I'm Putting it into our chat. I'm not because I feel like you have Because I feel like you have to. I will be angry. I'm not alone. I'm going to look at it.

I put it in our Facebook chat. I'm going to look at it and I'm going to describe it to you. I hate this. Oh God. Murder me. I hate this. Oh God. They zoom in on it.

They show you the after effects. I'm doing a second one too. Why are you doing another? I don't want to see any more of this. You need to see the after effects. This is awesome. It's like the Holocaust. Oh God. Eli's going to just do this now.

He's going to take wrong bites as like a bit forever. I hate it. It's just, that's all I do at live shows. Eli, the next time I eat pizza, I'm going to take a bite of the side of it. Or the crust first. I'm going to eat it crust first. In front of you. I do pizza in concentric circles.

What? Yeah. Like an apple? Well, no, no. Well, yeah. Kind of like a cartoon mouse. Kind of like a cartoon mouse and apple. But I go in like a human being and do the front tip.

But then I'll go like off the corner, you know, off one side of the crust slash a little bit of the regular part and then the other side. Oh, you go the belt sander method. I go belt sander. So you're like, oh, okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's good. It's a good way to doering. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's good. It's a good way to do it.

Oh, wow. So now we cut upstairs to the parents. She's complaining about the place that they're staying in. Again, she keeps saying things like, nice vacation you booked us, or the wine tastes musty, but like, this is a place they're sheltering where their car has broken down. I don't understand why she keeps complaining like he had some hand in the planning of it. She might as well be like, it's not a very nice horror movie you got us into. Okay, if you're eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that's square,

are you going on like a side edge or a corner first? I don't know how I would repair, I don't know, how would it pair with my bed, my carafe of bed wine that they're drinking in the scene. That's an important question. That is an important, like do it, do I want, because if it's- I want a nice like Pinot Noir, I feel like, with a PB&J. Sure.

I would like my musty bed wine with, I think the center first, like the center bite first of the peanut butter, like full peanut butter, jelly, no crust, yeah. Wait, you'd bite from the top of the sandwich down into the middle of it? No, oh, I thought it was sliced in half. Is this not sliced in half? Oh, imagine it either way. I don't know what dimensional...

Square, no, not sliced in half. Did you imagine my wife like plummeting into a sandwich? Yeah, like a drill press almost. Keethelton, Bethesda, Mercury, and right. I described it as a square, so it's not cut. Imagine it's not cut. You're eating sandwiches that aren't cut? I cut it.

DD&Js that aren't cut in half? Cause I'm an adult. That's just an extra step you're adding to the whole process. I wanna start eating. No, what? Are you an early English peasant? What? Where they gone gave us two loaves of bread

and I done smashed them together and this is what I get this morning I does I does you cut diagonal Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm not like against that. It's just adding a step I feel like you're making it harder than it has to be honestly diagonal or straight across I don't give a shit. You know it would be even easier Why don't you just take the sandwich and roll it between your hands? I've gone and then stuff the ball into your mouth and just force your jaw to close.

I know you try to do this as the extreme example, but I've literally done this. Do it, do it, wait. I call it pill mode. I believe you. Yeah. Do you just, do you just slap the thing on both sides and then just eat it over the sink? Yes. Sadly?

Happily. Without dirtying a plate too. I do it happily, but yes, otherwise. That is... Just picture Heath leaning over his sink, eating cereal out of the box, being like, crushing it. I'm going to blow your mind. If you take that one little step to cut it in half, then you get that perfect first bite.

Down the middle. Right down the middle. Right in the center. I. Then you get that perfect first bite. Down the middle. Right down the middle. Right in the center. I feel like you're- It's the reason people love- Wait, no, no. The ratio is getting- People love that so much that they created uncrustables so that you can make that ratio

for every single bite. Oh, is uncrustables basically like that bite throughout? That's the idea? Exactly. It's basically someone- The scientific answer. Instead of cutting it in half, took a cookie cutter and just did just the middle. What I was saying, and to bring it back to the carafe of bed wine that these two are drinking, if they were to pair it with a sandwich,

their musty carafe of bed wine would go best with that center bite. Okay, I will agree with that. I would, I would want like a savory sandwich, like a liverwurst maybe? We weren't talking about savory sandwiches, Heathelton. Like a pate? And either way, you gotta cut it in half and get that center bite first. It takes one more step and you get the best first bite. Knowing you, you're gonna fold it into a fucking dim sum bun and then lower it into your mouth

like Jaws approaching a young maiden, so. Just lube up your mouth. Yeah, exactly. like jaws approaching a young maiden so Just lube up your mouth Yeah exactly Just fucking Nathan's famous hot dog contest over here This is a terrible example if you're trying to talk me out of something Permacompeting Joey Chestnut, American Hero

American Hero American Hero, absolutely Changed the game Works for Impossible Dogs now Yeah, he's got his own brand of mustard He's crushing it So there's a movie Yeah So there crushing it. So there's a movie. Yeah.

So there's a movie. So there's a movie. Anyways, it's time for some straight up doll murdering. Finally, we're like, I'm not kidding, 30 minutes into this hour and 14 minute movie and we're going to get our first doll murder. I'm sorry. We have to skip back one second. Please, please.

Because they do the couple sitting in bed. She's got her hair covered because for some reason she hates showing her hair and they're drinking the wine and then it cuts to Judy in bed reading Hansel and Gretel again but this time she's reading it out loud and she's talking she's reading to punch. She's reading about the point where the witch has Hansel in the cage and he's she has him stick his finger out every day to test how plump he's getting Mm-hmm, and that will come back and that is why Hansel and Gretel is the book. This is good writing I didn't even notice it's a good movie. You guys it's a good movie. It comes together It's all coming together Sean Aston is Hansel, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay

Love that. So time for doll murder, right? We're going to cut over to punk girl, the one who said, anti cues that hilarious bone, Mo hilarious that we all enjoyed so much. She is just searching around the house, but she's, she's just kind of randomly stealing stuff and walking around with the flashlight, which is weird because like she's welcome in the house, right? Like she's kind of indicated in the last scene that maybe they sneak out before everyone else wakes up, but like there's a variety of reasons why now is not the time for robbing.

I don't know, it's very odd, but it's time for spooky doll stuff, starting with a classic, the music box that keeps opening and she goes over to close it. Except they fuck up the beats and there's not a third beat where a horror thing happens the boozy bugger she closes it music box she closes it

music box comes back on oh no no no no no it comes on the third time and the dolls that were sitting next to it have disappeared oh you didn't notice that also the dolls faces change every time Eli you're devastated right now this movie is great yeah I Yeah, I'm obviously. Guys, it's a really good movie. Back in the beginning, they had three, so when they were doing the credits and those creepy doll faces, there were three names that literally had the title of fucking doll shenanigans or some bullshit.

It was like doll effects, doll special effects. I call it doll shenanigans. That is understandable considering how much went into this. They had three separate teams of doll shenanigans going. Yeah. But yeah, they grab her and they like smoosh her into the wall a little bit. They battering ram her into the wall. Into the baseboard because this is excellent writing. Like what would a doll murder look like?

It would probably be low to the ground. Lilliputians. Yeah, Lilliputians smashing somebody into the baseboard. I thought this was good. Absolutely. And we get like, you know, a first person view of that from Isabel. And then they spit her out into the hallway

and she looks up grasping out with her hand and it's Judy who's out looking for water and she raises her finger out and Judy tries to get her finger like the book. Oh that's like in Hansel and Gretel. Earlier like in Hansel and Gretel. Guys it's a good movie. Wow. Yeah.

Wow. It's all coming together. Okay but so Isabelle right after that gets dragged away by the dolls and Judy's like, yeah, all right. I'm cool with that. I was like, yeah, so am I. And can I say, I kind of also felt the same. I mean, they eventually end up killing her, which I think we can all agree is an overreaction,

right? Proper property is a crime unto itself. When she was robbing them and the dolls just kicked her ass, I was like, I mean, yeah, yeah, fuck around and find out Isabelle. Yeah. So Judy runs into her parents room, daddy and Rosemary's room to tell them that the elves got one of the girls. Now, that's a very strange thing for her to say because at this point, I think she has seen that they are dolls, not elves. Am I wrong about that? Earlier, she was like, why are there gremlins in this closet? I hear gremlins behind this

closet. And he was like, oh, those must be elves and this closet? I hear gremlins behind this closet. And he was like, oh, those must be elves and fairies. And it just like brushes it off. And she's like, where do the elves live? And the guy literally earlier before was like, elves live wherever they want. Like just, she's talking about elves and fairies this whole time. Exactly. Are you paying attention to the movie, Eli? Yeah. Are you? Yeah. Eli?

My point is that at this point she has seen them be dolls sure you're being very dismissive Okay The point is she comes up and she's like oh the elves took the girl away and their immediate they are trash Yeah, they are drunk the carafe is empty Yeah, their immediate reaction is rosemary leaps out of bed again Correct me if I'm wrong because I'm obviously not paying as close attention to this movie as you guys are. Maybe you could learn something. They immediately leave out of bed and Rosemary says, the old man is a sex fiend.

I knew it. And OK, like, I agree with that, but not the way she was saying it. You know, I also don't know why she concluded that. He's fucking puppets, which, you know, while they're live puppets. So it's tricky now that I think about it Yeah, well and the dad gets so angry He like threatens to smack her and the only reason he doesn't discuss rosemary's like no You'll have to pay more child support if you hit her Yeah, but I can hit you and I was like these parents like read the parenting books that the adults from Matilda and little

Orphan Annie and like and our parents These they wrote the parenting books written by Roald Dahl basically doll But they liberty and justice for doll they don't believe her But they liberty and justice for doll they don't believe her What they should call this the point is they don't believe her and they want her to get out so she gets out she goes Downstairs to wake up Ralph and tell Ralph what she just saw okay, so Ralph has put a Clown doll on his nightstand Facing him well. I don't think he put it there. And he is masturbating for sure.

Yeah, this is definitely they got in, the door closed. And Gabriel was like, hey, now that Judy's out of the way, do you like it when dolls watch? Because I have a nasty little clown who you can really. And Ralph was like oh my god I was gonna ask if you had a clown one you do I have a clown one He's a naughty boy Okay, this movie is a referendum on puppet fucking and it is making excellent points. That's just official a

Referendum on pocket fucking is the name my one That's just official. A referendum on Puck-ing is the name of my one-man show. It's at the public. No wonder you like office stuff. There are dozens of us. But yeah, he's jerking off in front of this puppet when Judy comes in. She's like, oh, the elves killed somebody. And he's like, I don't think that actually happened.

Actually, just give me a second and look away. I don't think that happened. What he actually says is, oh, are you sure the elves weren't just lonely? And she's like, yeah, I guess you're right. Judy, she was bleeding from the head and screaming when they dragged her out by her feet. Get your shit together, Judy. The entire movie almost resolves at this moment because he's like, maybe the elves just wanted to hang out.

And Judy's like, that's a great point. I'm going to go back to bed. But luckily he notices that she has bloody slippers. Yeah. So the case is afoot. And he does the thing where he puts his fingers on the slippers to check. And this actor, Sean Astin or whoever the fuck it is, he comes so close to licking the blood. Yep. He's 100% ready to do the cop show. Somebody like a director out of frame was like, stop it up.

Stop. That's Ben Nye. It's salty and gross. Don't do it. Salty and gross. You watch the actor be like, oh, okay. Look, there aren't many good things about drama school, but one of the benefits of drama school is at some point someone gets Ben Nye in their mouth and you go

There was a there was a really bloody like horror play that we did at one point and we did they did like where we met No, I was talking about college No, the blood was made on a pine saw, you guys. This is what I'm trying to get to. And it did not taste good. You were not supposed to put it in your mouth, but it did eventually get everywhere. Cool.

So yeah, now it's stuck. Hey, a follow-up question. When did you start fucking hating me in our marriage? Why does this always happen when we're on this show? Great question. Why? Why does it happen? Great question. Great question. Why does it happen? Hey!

Great question! Great question! Hey, I'd like to say that I think both of you are doing some thought distortions. If I'm being honest. This episode just turns into therapy with features. That's gonna go badly. Like all, like all podcasts. Alright, so now they're sneaking around the house looking for Isabel.

Yeah, and he's like, do you think it was right here? And she's like, what do you want from me? I'm seven years old. Sassy. She's sassy. Little Carl the Pug of Pagacorn in this moment. Yeah. There's also this moment like, why are they keeping this to a two man operation?

Like if I got woken up by a child covered in blood and they said they saw someone get injured, it would be time for everyone in the house to wake up. Right. First thing I'm going to is her parents. And then I can't emphasize this enough. Everyone else, everybody. Yeah. So they make their way up to the attic, right? And the attic seems to have an iron maiden in it. And a set of stocks. Yeah. Yeah. These guys get freaky. They tried other kinks before they settled on dolls. Yeah. This is a puppet fucking attic for sure.

I was like, wow, this attic's full of fucking torture equipment. And I was like, oh, this attic's full of fucking torture equipment. This is like, oh this addicts full of fucking torture equipment This is for the the really dark needs they have about puppets and they have this moment, right? We're like for a second you see that Isabel in the background, right? She's in the background and something has happened to her. Her face is a doll face now Right, her face is a doll face now. They turned her into a blow-up doll. Right. Yeah, they turned her into one of said fuck dolls But the funniest thing is like we don't get the revelation with the characters turn around and see that. What happens instead is that Ralph trips over some dolls and falls down the stairs.

So, so far the ability of the killer is mainly trip based. Mainly like what you do to your friend by the pool. Yeah. You know? Right. Yeah. Like one crouches behind and the other shoves over the top. Yeah. Multiple to get a battering ram dragging around. We're still firmly in the shenanigans. Honestly, it's not dissimilar to what Madge does to me on a daily basis. Yeah, exactly. So it's delightful. I think the dolls are just building it slowly, right? Sure. Also, I think they might be thinking Ralph could be an ally about Puppet Kink because a lot of the stuff we've learned about him so far is that he has similar interests.

So they're like, well, we'll trip him down the stairs for now, fuck with him and see what happens. We're not gonna kill this guy yet, right? Yeah, a tremendous amount of this movie will be the dolls not being sure who they should kill next. Yeah. Yeah. It gets pretty courtroom drama about that. Yeah, it does. We won't go into it now because we don't want to spoil it, right? So finally, after Ralph is tripped, that was apparently the straw.

So now they go to wake up the parents and tell the other British girl that Isabelle is missing. And Enid is the other British girl. She's the one who like wasn't so sure that she wanted to steal. They come, they tell her, hey, Isabelle is missing. And she immediately accuses Ralph in this very hoiky doiky dolls have come to life horror movie of raping and murdering is a Yeah, it's a pretty wild tonal shift. I gotta say it really is and then

Rosemary and dad immediately are like, are you fucking our kid by the way also now that I think about it? And he's like stop yelling crazy ideas. Everybody's just yelling that I'm like a murder rapist. I'm not any of that What are you talking about? I gotta say I told you just now about what was happening Yeah, the fact that you were hanging out alone with my six-year-old daughter does not bode well for you I feel like I should kill you as a safety precaution and they're like Isabelle you motherfucking asshole for running off and bullshit and then he's then he takes the doll and she runs off Yeah, running away from him. I'm like, he's honestly there is blood everywhere.

A girl's missing. Someone just got accused of rape and murder. A lot going on. But I think the worst thing here is the parenting skills. Yeah, the worst thing is, but so, yeah. So, Dad, he's so mad about all this that he chases Judy off, right? That's what Anna was just talking about. He chases Judy off.

OK, this is this leads to, like, I think one of my favorite moments in the movie One of my favorite. I this is exactly what I was setting up Heathen, right? You're going exactly there because he's holding punch hostage, right? She like hides from him and he's like, oh I'm gonna rip punch apart and he gets bitten and then punch stands up and let Me say this is a perfect movie, obviously But if I have a crazy billionaire remake, if you just put the opening, whoa, from everybody was kung fu fighting over the moment where punch stands up to fuck up dad. This is my favorite movie.

Let me say, I wrote in my notes, if this guy's about to get the shit beat out of him by a doll in protection of a little girl, I'm extremely in and spoiler alert. That's what's gonna fucking happen Dad also yeah, so like you said dad does kind of a hostage thing. He's like, okay I'm gonna tear off a limb from mr. Punch the doll once a minute until you come out Judy like a hostage thing. And then he tries to do it to like back up his threat and he can't rip Mr. Punch. Like a proud boy trying to rip the Antifa sign. It's the best.

He even holds him over a candle and he can't won't light on fire. It's a maze. And that was my favorite failed attempt is when he holds it over the candle and say, ow, ow, hurt me. I'm also here. But then the other dolls pop out for the fight. And I wanted one doll to just be like, shoot the hostage killed dad. And of course, Kung Fu fighting playing. Yeah. So now Ralph is running off to find Gabriel. He opens the door, he finds Gabriel, apparently standing still and clothed in the dark. Super chill. And he's like, yeah, someone got killed.

There was blood all over the floor. And he's like, oh, no, no, no, that was just paint. Oh, yeah, I spilled paint. Hillary will be so cross because he does not have an accent. And this is the weird thing, right? Ralph should then say, oh, well, one of your other guests think I raped and murdered her and the other guest is now chasing his daughter around with the intent to harm her, but he's just like, oh, paint!

Slaps himself in the forehead like he should have had a V8 and heads back to bed! So this is where Judy and Ralph reconvene. He's like, oh, it was just paint. And she's like, oh, I don't think it's paint. I think this is part of the longest night in the world. And this is what I was talking about earlier, where he like tries to explain that that was just a creepy character in a horror movie speaking metaphorically. But then, they have this insane interaction.

He gets down on Judy's level and gently strokes her hair, which I did not care for. And he says, Judy, do you know something I don't know? And then punch the doll. Yes, the doll podcast with their speaks. And goes, you know what I'm talking about? And no one in the movie will acknowledge it for the rest of the film. Well also, like, he already knows it's not, it's blood because he says, I'm cleaning the blood off of my leg,

when she first gets in there. Like he, I think he's just like grasping at reality. Yeah. Grasping at it. Well, I think Mr. Punch, he says, deep down inside, you know what to do about all this, this situation. I think Mr. Punch is a good guy. I think what he was doing is saying like,

deep down, you know what justice is. You gotta kill a Supreme Court justice. You gotta do it. I see. The legal version of that. You're not the hero Gotham needs. It's what Mr. Punch said. It's what Mr. Punch said.

What we are saying is that's what Mr. Punch said. Tree of Liberty, Mr. Punch gets it. Watered with the's what Mr. Punch said. Tree of liberty, Mr. Punch gets it. Watered with the blood of Mr. Punch. I've always said that. Anti-puppet tyrants. That's what he's talking about. I think he's making a good point. Yeah, exactly. So now it's time for Rosemary to die. She's painting her nails in bed when the dolls just attack her with knives.

I just gotta say, nobody in this movie actually seems to sleep because so far they've been apparently in bed for like an hour, but so far nobody's actually done any in bed stuff. They've been reading, they've been painting their nails, they've been drinking a whole fucking carafe of wine. I'm out in like 30 seconds once I'm horizontal. Yeah. Everyone in this movie went to the my wife's school of lying in bed. Honestly, it makes more sense why she's so grumpy

because she hasn't been doing any sleeping. She hasn't been doing any sleeping. Yeah. So she has this really long drawn out fight with these dolls. There's a lot of things that happen in the scene that I have questions about. The saw guys? First of all, there are two dolls that are in like they have the like back and forth old timey lumber saws. So here's the thing that's always the problem in doll movies, right?

Which is that you, as we intimated in the original doodly doo of this episode, you are stronger than dolls. Yes. Right. So even if a doll had a knife, I'd just be like, Flick, you're the size of a baby. I think these are demon dolls that have extra strength. Well, that's the thing. If they have extra strength, you need to demonstrate it, right?

So the thing, like small soldiers. They use a saw. There's one that bit her and bit a chunk out of her. So they're like raccoons. Right, but it bites a doll mouth sized chunk out of her. One of them has a full size knife and sticks it in her back. Yes. If a raccoon came up and had opposable thumbs and was holding a fucking knife.

Which they do. It could kill you. And they could. Eli, you are a doll truther and I don't like it. I'm tired of it. But yeah, she, she's just there stabbing her, they're trying to cut off her feet. Do you think the dolls should have had a bit longer of a, you know, like a strategy meeting before this attack?

Absolutely. The Saw Guys, when they did a wrap up meeting, someone needed to yell at the Saw Guys and be like, hey, Chris, Alex, I love your energy. I know you're really excited to saw off people's hands and feet. Did you see us do the Saw with the lumberjack one with the both of us? I need you to, first of all, I have the speaking stick. Second of all, I need you to wait until people are dead to saw their feet off. It's just distracting, if anything. Okay.

But guys, these dolls are so organized. They're behind her. They're in front of her. They're everywhere she turns. They fully pull off like a full on Jurassic Park style Dianicus attack like by the way Dianicus are the actual velocity Or we don't need Icus the dinosaur nerds in our audience are so fucking happy right now Yeah, you're welcome for the normies who had friends growing up, she means the velociraptors. They are not velociraptors, there's Dianicus and they just, I'm sorry, he took the name velociraptor and put it on another dinosaur because he thought velociraptor sounded better. But velociraptors are just like chickens the size of my pug.

Like, they did nothing. They were scavengers They did not like fight like this. Dionysus will fucking pray like either side wolf attack style Surround you with before you look like they're there. Yeah I feel like Anna's I feel like Anna's told you this so many times and you're just not a lot Yeah, a lot of times and then she passed those jeans down to my son and he flaps when he's excited Hey now Everybody's down to my son and he flaps when he's excited. Hey now! Everybody flaps when they're excited. Okay.

A lot of the people listening to the podcast do. He's like a little velociraptor. He's like, he is very much like a little velociraptor. He went through a biting phase and everything. But I have to talk about the end of this fight scene because it is so incredible. They're stabbing her, they're poking her, they're trying to cut her legs off. So in order to escape

she jumps over their heads out the second story window. And my question for you fellow podcasters is, was that their plan? Or does she jump out the window and then we don't get a scene where the dolls are like, oh, wait. All right. Well, do you think the actor just did an improv dive out a window? Oh no, sorry. I meant, was that the dolls plan?

Not Jack Nicholson, you know fucking She fell funny. Yeah, Eli they immediately disappear as soon as she hits through the window So I think they're actually going down to finish this job. Yeah, I feel like they were like, okay Well, I mean I wanted to do the lumberjack saw but that was a freebie. We'll just go down and figure it out You know, okay, well, I mean, I wanted to do the lumberjack saw, but that was a freebie. We'll just go down and figure it out, you know? Okay, here's the thing. Put a pin in that because there will be evidence later that there is a scene we don't see where the dolls had to go downstairs and be like, and recover the body.

All right, let's fucking get, ah, God, I wish we were just, we should just get like one normal guy. Where are the saw guys now? Now we could absolutely use them in pieces. Oh sure, now they're not fucking here. All right, we all lift on three. One, two, Gary? Does anybody know about police?

Gary, you're not pulling. It's like a ramp. Super cool math. Anything for a ramp. Mechanical advantage. I fucking love this movie. It's fantastic. And Rosemary sucks and she just died.

Yeah, she deserves it. She deserves every second of this. I think wherever you stand on the very important human puppet conflict, we're all happy to see Rosemary dead. And on that very happy note, we're going to take one more quick break. But first, let me give Act 3 the hard sell. Will we all learn more about social justice? Will there be a valuable lesson about how dolls reflect our humanity back to us? Will we find out about the fate of the teddy bear?

Sexually speaking, find out that yes, when we return for the spooktacular conclusion of dolls So many adults have lost their sense of mystery Ralph, but not you I can tell you still have the heart of a child That's true man. These dolls are so cool. Thank you Ralph. Thank you You know, it's been quite a few years since my wife and I found someone who Hey, hey Ralph, Ralph, Ralph? Sorry, sorry, this is so cool. No, no, of course, I understand, Ralph. The way the doll excites the imagination. It really brings one back to a...

Help me, help me! I am a dinosaur! Hey, Ralph, Ralph, Ralph, buddy, can you log it in? Sorry, sorry. Because, yeah, can you log it in? Sorry, sorry. Because, yeah, leg noise is one thing. This feels like, I mean, you're what, 37? Sorry, I was listening. Oh, oh, you were listening?

What did he say? He said I'm 37. No, before. Sorry. Okay, you know what, it's fine. I just wanted to say that you have the heart of a child and it's not something we see a lot. Okay?

So, yeah, that's it. That's the end of the thing I'm saying. Okay, thanks. Can I... Can I play with the dolls now? Yeah, man. Go ahead. Nice!

Something wrong with this guy. I'm around with him. Just be cool. Karate! We're gonna kill him. There's something wrong with this guy. I'm out of here. Kuh. Kuh. Kuh. Kuh. Kuh. Kuh. Kuh. Just be cool. Karate! We're gonna kill him.

Hey, podcast listener. I'm Heath Henrich. And this? This is Moodang. Look at her! Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm looking. I'm looking. She's so squishy. So being friends with the Bosnics can be a little odd. Oh my God. Did you guys check out Odie the Bulldog today? No, show me right now.

Look at him. Phone's like right in front of my face, like really close. Talk around it. Amazing, the hat. He's got a hat. Absolutely. Anyway, this is a lot worse because of Mint Mobile. What's Mint Mobile you ask?

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Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See MintMobile for details. MintMobile. Not all excellent low-cost phone service is a good thing. Oh, Med, did you see the video of Rascal? He's fat, he's fat. Okay, yeah, no, no, no, that bulldog's pretty fat. No, really thought that would get a response

because now I'm talking about the thing. I texted you, LOL. Right. And we're back. When we left off, Rosemary got attacked by dolls and she dove out the window. And now Enid is creeping around looking for her friend Isabel and then Hillary

She appears at the end of the hallway and Hillary is taking a baby doll for a walk with a stroller Yeah in the dark. This is never explained Right and at first I thought maybe that's the Isabella doll. It's not There's apparently just a doll in this house That's a rough sleeper. No, it's a baby white Walker doll actually, yeah, as she looks over and eyes are glowing blue and That's the only time we see it, right? So again this to me was like at this point in the movie, the movie has established that they kill people and turn them into dolls.

Right? Yeah. So someone she killed and turned into a doll was having some trouble getting to sleep. Yeah. She just likes pushing this one around in a baby carrier. Just let these people and puppets live their lives. I think that's my life Yeah, I was the dead king of the north I feel like I would also want to be pushed around and I mean that's a lot of trauma to live through so I mean She is rehabilitating that is what we've established that this is a rehabilitation. That's the prequel George RR Martin is afraid to make I'd like to go for a walk in like an old-timey pram before I go to sleep I feel like yeah, we should make ones for adults. Sure. Absolutely.

Maybe that's your aftercare. Like remote control. Yeah. Aftercare for when I'm by myself sexually. Yeah. Oh, God. That's when it's most important. He then write that's when it's most important. I think that's true.

Give your hand a high five. I'm going to start giving Ann my... I'm going to text Ann my suggestions for baby characters. Your condolences. Huh? Your wedding gift and your baby shower gift are going to be one and the same. It's just about the use. I support...

This is also one of the moments in the movie where it's definitely brought to us by big matches because she blows out the candle because she sees someone coming down the hallway and then immediately lights it again and then immediately blows it out again and then immediately lights it again. Yep, this is my best worst. Yeah, there's a lot.

So this is Edith? Enid. Enid, right. This is Enid and she's gonna go find Isabella. And we see the poster of the movie at this point. Oh yeah, right. We see the poster of the movie at this point. Oh yeah, right. We see the poster of the movie. Isabel in the torture chair.

Isabel the doll, but she's holding her eyes with her fingers, like they've just fallen out of her doll sockets. So is that just like a badly constructed doll scenario? I don't know, because she's still life-size at this point. Also, this kind of falls apart, but it does... I get brought right back in when she gets lassoed by Woody. Like literal Woody from Toast Toy Story. It's an official crossover, guys!

Yeah, this is the Woody fight, and she lights Woody on fire when he dies. Meanwhile, Punch was fireproof and Woody burst into flames like he's been soaked in gasoline. Yeah, they're not getting even fireproof treatments across the dolls here. No, no, no. Agree. I think that's something to bring up with the old lady and old man that turned them into dolls for sure.

Yeah, definitely. And during this doll fight, it's revealed that the dolls have demon faces under their doll faces. Yes, bones and organs. Bones and flesh and organs and skulls. Is the idea that Gabriel creates demon dolls with like magic, but then also builds a regular doll shell over the top. It seems like he shrinks down the body through magic somehow and then puts that in a doll that's pre-made. Because it is a pre-made doll.

Right. Well, we actually see the process later. This feels like a metaphor about humanity, doesn't it? Take us there. Yes. And? Yeah. The fact that we're all kind of in this mass produced culture and we're wearing a

mask but underneath... Morgan don't cut these snaps. We're magical demon dolls. No, no, no. Don't cut these snaps. These aren't clicks. These are part of the podcast. I'm playing the bongos back here.

I'm playing the bongos back here. If you think about it, I think it's a good message for us to learn from. A message. A message. A message. A message. A message. I think this is I think there it's a good message for us to learn Anyway, it runs away because you know Hanging in segment one when you came with the deepness and you guys did you redo solo over here? You're fucking it up, and I've told you so many times. You can't have a didgeridoo solo over here. You're fucking it up. And I've told you so many times you can't have a didgeridoo solo. God damn it. When I get shot by a fan, everyone's gonna blame you. I hope you know that. Lookin' at you, April.

When I get lassoed by a Woody doll. Get in there, girl. Right in my head. Anyways, so she now, like, fights her way through the dolls. This is some really effective doll defense. Like they don't cover this in Aikido. Like they should. No, she's she is really invigorated in this doll fight. She's doing well against the dolls.

Steven Sedal. Sure? Yeah. Aikido fight. But then of course she runs up against the soldier dolls. They have guns and they shoot her. Now it's the cutest firing squad. It's a very adorable firing squad. I also point out that as someone who has at least been on a

film set watching this woman in a tube top have several squibs go off on her. I was aware that I was watching a snuff film. So that was very unfortunate for me. The scream that this actor lets out is very much a fuck those squibs hurt against my bare skin scream and not I got shot by a doll firing squad scream. Yeah. Yeah. Works either way for the movie.

For the film. Yeah. Yeah. So the dolls, these are like toy soldiers from like the Nutcracker, right? And they fire. So Gabriel built either very small guns that actually work and have like full power, or is it that the demon dolls

take the little fake toy gun they get and do magic, and then it works? See, I think it was that the dolls were like, okay, what if someone knows doll Aikido though, Aiki doll, though. Wow. And then they were like, okay, what if someone knows doll Aikido though, Aikidol though. And then they were like, well, Aikidol doesn't work on guns. How does it feel for Anna to just come off the dome with Aikidol when you wrote down fucking Steven Skedal?

I didn't write that down. That was off the dome. Anna's was better, that's not the point. No, you have separate notes that you hope to surprise us with your You have them scrawl tears change On your phone and she's just she's just rolling them out just fucking Sally Ellie and Mozart on the podcast everybody Salieri. Yeah, Salieri. Yeah, did you say that like Guy Fieri?

Yeah, how it's pronounced in the original Italian. Okay, fucking Olive Garden. Maybe in front of our good friend Cecil. The language of his people. Oh my God. A key doll is awesome. But yeah, they shoot her. Yeah, they shoot her. So now it's time for Dad to discover Rosemary's body way too late. So as we indicated before the break,

Rosemary's body is now underneath the sheet in the bed, which means the dolls went outside, down to the ground floor, got her upstairs, dried her off, right, cleaned the room a little bit, and covered her with a sheet in the hopes of this pop scare. But I don't know if this was supposed to be a comedic moment or not. He doesn't do the pop scare moment. he comes over he's like oh hey oh I guess you're already in bed yeah I'm gonna get ready for bed too you know what nah I'm gonna go take a shower and then they cut to a different fucking scene yeah they

edge this pop scare they sure do I was expecting this was gonna turn into weekend of Bernie's but like a Really weird like another form of doll. Yeah, exactly a really upsetting one Yeah So now Judy is bringing Ralph over to the doll room where she's been hearing the giggles coming from and where she thinks Isabella is. Yes, the gremlin closet. Right the gremlin closet. Exactly. And this is where Ralph says one of his weird lines in the movie. He says, with my luck, it's probably a lost tribe of pygmies. Yeah, you gotta love that 80s casual racism.

Not just that, but also, why would that be worse than living dolls? Yeah, very confusing. I wanted him to open up the room and they're like, hey, we're pygmies. What did you mean by that just now? What was that? The murder dolls are in the next room over, but that was kind of fucked up. Just, you know, culturally insensitive. It's not okay. Just so you know that actually started as like a really racist term. Yeah. A lot of history there. Just like Google the things you say, Ralph. Yeah.

You're playing with dolls. You're playing with us. But yeah, so they go in the room, the dolls are all there. They have this like moment where it seems like they're going to try to communicate with the dolls. And then he's very surprised that the dolls all turn to look at him. Punch talks to him in the last scene. Yes. Again, he's acting as though he has not already spoken to one of the dolls. But he just starts kicking them.

Yeah, fuck all the adults, the adults in this movie. Fuck all of them. Literally, fuck all the adults. Yeah. And the dolls twisted to him, which is fabulous, right? Yes. And then they don't kill him, right? I was like, oh, they're going to kill Ralph. That's kind of sad because Ralph was kind of like the good guy. This seems a little bit inconsistent, right? They tie him up like a hostage.

They tie him up and then they turn to Judy and are like he fucking started it and we have this insane scene where Judy's like The dolls are having a team meeting about the disciplinary action that they think is appropriate for your actions earlier today And he's like, oh no, that's fair. Whatever they decide. Meanwhile, they're actually talking in Doll, which apparently Judy understands, which sounds exactly, exactly like my son's 1949 version of like, The Little Engine That Could. Yes, I had the exact same thing. And she's like, Oh, they're saying that they might kill you.

They're just that one really would like to. And then that was like, Ooh, we'll eat tonight. It's like this movie turned into like, what's the hostage movie about the cruise ship? Speed 2? Captain Phillips. Captain Phillips. It turned into Captain Phillips.

Pause. Really quick. Pause everything. Pause everything. My darling. Speed 2 cruise control. My darling. My bride. Mother control my darling my bride mother of my son

Do you think Captain Phillips was about a cruise ship? It was about a cruise ship being taken over by not a cruise ship cargo You thought that the fucking Carnival cruise got overtaken by Somali pirates Do you think people were in the middle of going to Dolphin Bay and Disney's Long Island and then they got overtaken by Somali pirates. And the Navy had to shoot them all in the head within the same millisecond. Oh my god. That's a... There was just a lady by the buffet trying to get her drink tickets in.

I know that this is a serious moment, but they said all you can drink. Why aren't we at speed two? Look at me. Look at me. What's speed at me. I'm the captain's table now. All right, those are all the cruise ship jokes I had everybody. So upstairs, it cuts back upstairs. It cuts back upstairs. To Weekend at Bernie's! Yeah, where he finally discovers the corpse. He gets tangled in her corpse for a while. He first fondles her for a little bit. Yeah. Like he fondles her for a little bit and then she turns around,

like she grabs him or something. The dead body like rolls over somehow. Yeah. Yeah. It's supposed to be that he discovers it, but he very clearly this actress just like grabs his shoulder and so he spends a lot of time doing like a, get off me. It's not great. And then he has a really, he spends a lot of time doing like a, get off me. It's not great. And then he has a really, he has a moment,

he screams, I'll kill him. Cause of course he, for some reason thinks this is Ralph again. He thinks Ralph did this. He yells, I know it. Why would that be the assumption? He has the same vibe as disappointed. Yeah.

And then he's going to go on a rampage. He's like, fuck, fucking Ralph did this. Fuck, Ralph. He's going to go try kill, kill Sean Astin. When we're, when you're trying to, you, okay. Gentlemen, bring it in. When you are trying to find a murder weapon on the fly and you look around your house full of anticues and you think, oh, I shall, I shall leave this let the fire poker.

Break a chair, use the leg. Oh yeah, break a chair. There you go. Okay. You know what? You know, egg on my face. Right now I looked around and I was like, triple a battery shit. Okay. Well, that's what am I doing with this? This is an interesting way for you to find out you're not gonna make it if you ever But I have to this is actually guys the movies actually good because this is actually a call forward

He breaks the leg off of the chair and then holds it like a bat Right like what punch the doll usually. Oh you think this was a punch and Judy reference? Yeah, he's got a bat. He doesn't actually use it later. It's a bat, guys. This movie's a good movie. A la Punch. Punch and Judy. Sorry, sorry. What, what, what, what? He breaks the chair leg and uses it like a bat? Right.

His weapon is a bat? And that is a literary allusion to Punch and Judy. To Punch later having a bat in the movie. Okay, sorry. Well, no, to also. No, it's too subtle for me. You know, it's like, clearly. Man must have a place to be.

Pay attention. I mean, this character, if you think about where this character ends up, that makes a lot of sense. It does. Tied together. Great movie. Great movie. Oscar, robbed for an Oscar.

So he goes, he heads off to Kelp. So now we're back in the doll closet with Ralph and Judy and the dolls have made a decision that they're allowed to leave. Yeah, they have a quick little whisper fight about whether Ralph can be on the team or not. And then they're like, yeah,

and then Judy translates. She's like, yeah, they said no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, he's like, oh, I don't believe you. I think you murdered my wife. And he's like, yeah, that is a real thing. And I just said a fake thing so I can understand where you're coming from. I feel like at the point where the dolls, where Judy learns to speak doll is where Ralph, the human, the actor stops playing the movie is like, this is dumb. This whole thing is dumb. Fuck all of you. Yeah.

I would like to leave, please. Runs out of the movie. Like he's hunting leave, please. Ralph runs out of the movie. Like, he's hunting down Ralph, but he manages to escape the movie. So Dad just randomly starts smashing stuff. And now, again, I can't emphasize enough to you, podcast listener. I wrote as a joke, where is the final standoff between Punch and Dad? It's here. It's here!

It's at this point in the movie. Punch rises to his feet as though he is going to say, I didn't hear no bell. Okay. Yeah. So Punch saves Ralph by shooting his doll dart. He has a blow dart gun. Yeah. That he fires.

His little thing was a blow dart the whole time. Yeah. He fires a dart into dad's hand, right as dad's about to hit Ralph. Then a bunch of the other dolls drag Ralph off the battlefield like they're fucking ver done. It's awesome. Yeah. But they go back and forth, but punch loses.

Punch loses and he smashes punch. And he doesn't have a body inside. He's just a doll. He's just a doll. So he smashes punch. It's very sad. What do you think that means that he didn't have a demon inside? Because all the other ones do. It means that the transformation hasn't happened yet.

Oh, okay. I interpreted this as punch being a pure spirit. Guys, I just had a flashback to my opening English classes in college and I need to be stoned and trying to fuck everybody. I don't know how to... I just need you flashback to my opening English classes in college and I need to be stoned and trying to fuck everybody. I don't know how that... I just need you to know that's what my needs are. Do whatever you got to do.

Yeah, exactly. I'm right upstairs, baby. Thank you. I'm right across into Michigan, baby. A state. Or 412. But yeah, so dad smashes punch with a giant hammer that he just had that's not really like the right size or theme for any of the dolls, which bothered me. But then we see that there's no demon inside.

There's nothing inside him yet. I interpreted this as Mr. Punch being like an actual pure soul doll. Interesting. But a lot of the other dolls are criminals who got caught by Gabriel and Hillary and were like turned into dolls. I interpreted this as the doll is an empty vessel that longs to be used as a Rehabilitation sort of like thing To fulfill their destiny. An instrument waiting for its musician if you will. Exactly. You were waiting to be

filled. Poetic. Beautiful. That's where the podcast ends. Before he hammer smashes in, he says, probably one of the buck wildest lines of the movie, which is, fuck you, clowny. That's right. It's pretty fantastic. So the old couple walk in on this and they're like, Hey, not nice. And he calls the old lady a witch and she's like, yep, I'm a witch. And it's like, it's too, it's way too. This movie has four seconds left in it.

You cannot establish it. You're a witch now. Okay. But it's been established the whole fucking time. He's like, wait, hold on. Witches? And they're like, dude, fucking duh. Yeah, we make doll people into dolls. You just got attacked by dolls.

By a doll. He's like, I thought that was maybe a race thing. You know what? Never mind. It is, you're a witch, right? So I didn't know what we were going to say. You thought it was, did you say race? What?

So they give him this whole lecture, right? And there's this absolutely hilarious moment that happens in the middle of the lecture. And again, correct me if I'm wrong. The whole lecture is about the witch. The whole lecture is about the witch. The whole lecture is about the witch. The whole lecture is about the witch. The whole lecture is about the witch. The whole lecture is about the witch. The whole lecture, right? And there's this absolutely hilarious moment that happens in the middle of lecture And I again correct me if I'm wrong The old man Gabriel is in the middle of doing like a the thing about parents is they must learn to love their children

And while he's giving his dramatic what you should have learned from this horror movie monologue Hillary comes over with the broken doll and sort of does like, this is broken. And he has to turn to her and be like, I'm going to fix that in a second. Just focus up. I'm in the middle of doing sort of my final thing before I turn a man into a doll. I'm doing my big speech.

Do you mind not interrupting me? And she's like, I think the house is going to fall down. And he's like, OK, well, why don't we talk about it? Can we talk about it later? How dare you? How dare you? How much flood insurance do we have? We have lice. LAUGHS We get a guy to come and lift the basement Talk about it later. How dare you? How much flood insurance do we have? We have lice

We get a guy to come and come and lift the basement and then probably not kill himself but like fix the safety Yeah, no, go ahead go through about like 10 more of my anxiety I think yeah, she's like, oh, yeah every time I leave a party and I'm having a fun time I just think of what a fucking fool I've been the entire time He's doing it in the middle of his mudwap I think Lexapro, fuck you guys I leave a party and I'm having a fun time. I just think of what a fucking fool. I've been the entire time Honestly if she had popped Alexa pro after that The actor playing Hillary is fantastic. Like I genuinely enjoyed her performance. I love her Yeah, I love yeah, I mean to be fair Eli pointed this out later, but that old couple is my parents. 100% your parents. At one point in my notes, I don't remember where I put it. Hey, it can't be my parents because the guy has volume control.

Has the volume control. So absolutely not. Not exactly. And I don't know that that actor hates me, so there's a lot of differences. At one point in my notes, I literally wrote, oh, Anna, I should explain this is a horror movie. People aren't supposed to act like that. But yeah, he's like, stop interrupting me.

She wanders off, Zekir likes it, bro. And he turns dad into a punch doll. No, he doesn't do that. Actually, the bashed in punch has created a vacuum to like suck his soul into it. So wait, what, I miss. No, that's not what happens. Did you make that up? No. Well, as soon as he does, as soon as the punch doll is like,

he doesn't do anything to like turn him into it. He's not like putting his hands out and going, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, or whatever. I think the fact that it lacks a magic gesture doesn't mean that he isn't the one. I'm saying he smashed punch with the bat and then therefore is turning into punch. Oh, because he is starting to turn into punch. And by the way, it sounds it's the bones. It's supposed to sound like cracking bones, but it honestly sounds like the most satisfying back crack in the world.

It's like, you know, like, you knowrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Definitely, definitely, definitely. Yeah. Yeah, so he's turning into Punch and the makeup on his face makes him look like OG Nosferatu. Life-sized Punch. By which we mean uncomfortably anti-semitic. And the plight of the vampire is very similar to the plight of a doll, societally. Yeah, very much so. So yeah, they do a sitcom. So the couple look at each other after they've turned him into Punch. They do a sitcom laugh about killing a man and turning him into a sitcom. So the couple look at each other after they've turned him into punch. They do a sitcom laugh about killing a man and turning him into a doll. And then the next

morning they wake up Ralph and Judy to tell them that it was all a dream. Yeah, they gaslight Ralph and Judy with like a whole story. And I think that's the right thing to do with the child involved. Right? Interesting. Right? Like take me there. So Gabriel makes up a story about how, like, all right, well, Gabriel knows mom and dad are actually dead or stepmom and dad are dead. So he makes up a story and he's like,

yeah, so your dad and your stepmom, they took off. They left a note, though, to explain. And he takes out a blank piece of paper and ad libs. Right. Dear Judy, we love you very much. Exactly.

We've decided that you'd have a happier life in Boston with your mother. We've gone we love you very much. Exactly. We've decided that you'd have a happier life in Boston with your mother. We've gone on without you, but there's enough money here that you could go on and go back to Boston and live with your mother. Yeah. And then, quite rightly, Ralph who's fucking over this movie is like, oh yeah? What am I supposed to do? Where are the girls? Yeah. Also what happened to the... Oh yeah, oh yeah, there's a's a yes the girls also we took the girls

Um, bye. That was funny. Okay. I want to be clear. Anna's not joking He literally takes the paper back and goes ps the girls are also here and they're fine Yeah, and then sean astin jumps in again. He's like but okay, so i'm just like stuck here and he's like PsS i'm still reading from the note in the fire You get money for a flight home to it said don't interrupt in the note the tone that Sean asked actually like oh Yeah, he didn't seem like that generous of a guy. Yeah sure what am I? He didn't seem like the kind of guy who would abandon his child with a stranger and tell him to take him back to Boston Well, yeah, man. The alternative is that I'm going to turn you into a fucking doll.

So how about you get in the goddamn car? Yeah. I think this is all ethical from Gabriel and Hillary. Yeah. Given what's already happened. I mean, that absolutely, you know, the whole thing actually. Yeah, it's a way more ethical prison system. It's rehabilitation.

Yeah. Great. And's rehabilitation. Yeah. Great. And that's the movie. There is a very, very short scene at the end where the... No, wait, pop scare. Teddy's been sitting in the car the whole time. I'm so sorry. Teddy's been there, yes.

Right. And she's like, yeah, he's my bear, but I think he'd be happier here. And she gives him To the we fuck dolls couple. Oh, they're fucking that bear, right? Yeah, man. Yeah, it's a gift hell of a gift and honestly Teddy I think Teddy's into it Teddy's Teddy's super super. Oh, yeah. No for sure hundred percent sure he's found his home Yeah, and then they finally drive away Ralph and Judy into the sunset and she's like do you what do you want to be my daddy? Yeah, she offers up her hot mom in almost those exact words. Do you want to fuck my mom? And last shot of the scene before the credits shot of the movie last shot of the movie before the credits is

Last shot of the scene before the credits, shot of the movie, last shot of the movie before the credits is all of the characters as dolls in their outfits on the mantelpiece, and they look at each other. Which means that this whole time, the outfit that you're wearing when you die is shrunk down into the doll. Oh, I didn't even think about that.

Which means that the previous people who stayed here are like a fucking cowboy. Right, a cowboy. Clown. Mrs. Muffet. Like the fucking circus came through town. A lot of Victorian children. A lot of Victorian children.

So many Victorian children. Oh, and then last thing, we see another car getting stuck outside the mansion. Mm-hmm. The cycle begins again. Okay, I read that the makers of this movie want a sequel for real. They want to make another story where Judy and... No.

How much money do they need? They can have it. they can have it yeah I will raise it's gonna be set back in Boston and Judy's living with her Boston mom and Ralph who get married and then a mysterious package comes and it's from England And it's a punch doll and that's like the beginning of the next movie. Oh god. Hey, man What's happening right now? Is this you just winging it or did you read this somewhere? Maybe you don't know maybe what's happening? Are you just no idea? I actually did read that I actually

I thought you he then right were like oh these people want to make a sequel and I was like haha fun joke And then you were like so here's my idea Well your bitch no that that's real and and then you were like, so here's my idea. Shut up, everyone shut the fuck up. Here's my elevator pitch. No, that's real. And we should start a Kickstarter. Yes. Into it, into it. Okay, I will make dolls too,

but only if I could be the face of Fat Doll in the opening credits. I would like you to be several other characters as well. I would like to make a change to your thing. I think Punch should show up, but with the bear bear doll and they're actually like a happy couple now. Like if you realize that the reason he was unhappy before is that he hadn't come out of the closet. Oh, I like that too. Yeah.

Nice. Teddy and Punch, baby. Doll me by your name. All right. So, final question. Oh, boy. Do you think this movie helped with positive representation of puppet kink in the world? I think it did. That'll be my answer.

I mean, if we're talking the kink scene, I feel like there wasn't a lot of consent given to being like forced into the body of a doll. Oh, okay. Let me clarify my answer really quick since you said that. Heath doesn't care about consent, everybody. They're not. They're not. Hmm.

The dolls aren't alive in my answer. Oh, okay. Yes. I suppose there is like a human living aspect. I mean, they did straight up murder like two girls that were pretty much innocent. One that was definitely innocent that was just trying to find a friend. They were both stealing. Wow, he's pro-murdering young women.

Ah, yikes-a-roo. Am I right, everybody? Also, I don't know if you guys realize this, she had a cross earring. So she was a Christian. So it's a Christian movie. So it's a Christian movie. So it's a Christian movie. It is that. Alright, well I think that is going to wrap it up for the very important political commentary called Dolls.

But that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we found another terrible movie. Eli, what's on deck? After the death of his father, a man and his two daughters inherit the family farm. His father's last wish was for them to care for his animals. However, the transition is fraught with challenges. We're headed back to the Wright family farm for Hillock Haunting. Oh, fuck yes.

This is the Wright family? That sounds fun. Wright family, baby. Yes. All right. God damn it. I never get the go. This was amazing. You got dolls. I got dolls, which was an amazing movie.

Okay, well with another amazing movie to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode 478 to a merciful close. Huge thanks to Anna for joining us. Anna, you got any cool stuff going on you wanna announce? Oh, yeah, I got some cool things in the works, but not ready to announce. I'm good.

Oh, you do? That's right. I was like, why didn't you? Yeah, that's in the works, but not ready to announce. I'm good. Oh, you do? That's right. I was like, why do you? Yeah, that's cool. Okay, but it's a secret. Everybody, you will find out about it soon. There may be there may be things coming down the pipe. There might be some things and some stuff.

Things and stuff. Mysterious. From Anna. From me. All right. Curiosity peaked for everybody. But until then, I do have an album. It's called The Ring. It's on all the streaming services.

Go enjoy it. Excellent album. Check it out. It's not the scary movie. A lot of people buy the scary movie and then they're like, do they do a lot of people do that? Do a lot of people do that? The Ring by Anna Bosnik. Yeah. And of course, a big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity. If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful.

And that'll get you early access to an ad free version of every episode. And if you enjoyed the show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the Scathing Atheist, Citation Needed, The Skeptocrat and DND minus available in all the podcast places. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email god awful movies at gmail.com. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Jurassic on Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Anna and Eli, I'm Heath. Promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the Animal House Close. Gabriel and Hillary were very relieved that little Judy only ever stumbled on the animated children's toys that they had stored around the house. That couple had an Iron Maiden and Stalks in the Attic. You know they got freaky.

Speaking of which, Gabriel, Hillary and Teddy is a different type of movie. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I Won this one. Oh, she you I beat you all oh you can't go until I stopped talking like she went Yeah, well now if we do you can't go until I stop talking can't you just sneak down there while you're like and another thing I can't go until I stop talking either so everyone so everyone is poised you guys you could Technically just have your initial down there and then just scroll up to the top and you'd be like, oh yeah, I'm already down there. And it's the Bill Belichick of this game that we're playing. That's right. Yeah. Guys, get your head in the game. I delete interstitial ones sometimes to leave them lost and wondering. So you're already cheating. There you go. All right, cool. I feel better now. One, two, three, four, five. All right. Go ahead and mute Eli for the rest of the buckets.

I'm sorry, Morgan. This is a two-hander, everybody. This one's going to be a two-hander. Five. I was early on four. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. One. Moodang. I was like, I'm gonna give it a second somebody's gonna say Moodang. Right when I started. Great time for you baby. Milted. Wanna lock it in?

Yeah, lock it in. Jesus. Draft King's ad, starting now for real. It's a great movie. Sure is. Eli, do you agree? No. Fuck you.