God Awful Movies - 479: Hillock Haunting

Episode Date: October 22, 2024

This week, Lydia and Thomas join us to have their first foray into the cinematic oeuvre of the Wright Family Films, with a review of Hillock Haunting. If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts

The candles were actually a cover. They're like, oh, we'll just say it's white candle wax. Yeah. Come everywhere. Yes, that is what I was saying. Do you mean come? Yes, I meant come. Did you mean come?

Ejaculate? Yes. Come was the thing I was... You're welcome. Opening argument. God awful movie. Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie!

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Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Nobody right family horror thon. Let's do this baby. Sure is very exciting and we also have two all-star veterans Lydia and Thomas of the where there's woke podcast among many other things Lydia Thomas Welcome back opening arguments is the name of the other podcast Myself it's all me now I have it it's It's all the Tito. It's been gaveled

No, not every day. I'll see someone being like oh what what's happening with that? Yeah Yeah, cuz you guys censor me every time I come on here I'm gonna shout opening arguments throughout this thing Your new catchphrase Just work it in suddenlyly like those branding things people try to do on TikTok. It was like when I was listening to that podcast, what was it?

Opening argument the other day. And I was haunted by a spirit. Anyway, this movie. All right, yeah, this movie. Let's do it. Lydia, what movie are we gonna be breaking down today? Oh my God. This is my first right family film, folks. I never want to do this ever again.

This is 2024's brand new, hot off the presses, Hillock Haunting. And it's so bad. And yeah, I'm going to leave now. This is a prolific filmmaking family. It really is. They make like four or five movies a year. You couldn't tell.

They're the Copulas of the Christian movie world. I've always said that about them. Because their movies are bad. All right, and Thomas, as I understand it, this would be your first experience with the right family films as well. How did you enjoy your entree into their body of work? It's hard to believe, because I think you're right,

but I also, in a way, I feel like I've always known them. I had no idea that the singer from Metallica and Miley Cyrus got cloned way too many times. And then someone also dropped some meth into the cloning machine while it was cloning. And then like five clones down, the resulting, I guess you could call them people, started making home movies together with the,

I guess you could call them children, that they spawned. And I didn't know any of this existed, but now I love it so much. I enjoyed this so much. It's so fun to watch them. Yes, genuine laugh out loud moments that I don't want to spoil. There's something that Lydia and I have been laughing at all day.

Like we just keep saying it's so good. I fucking love this movie. It's like if NPCs from a PlayStation 1 game made a movie. Made a movie together. All dialogue is literally NPCs from PlayStation. Maybe two. I'll give them two. They're all just walking into the same bench

and not moving. Yeah, slipping in and out of walls and then being like, I enjoy reading. I'm going to go to the room now and read. It's like when you play a point and click adventure and they repeat the same thing over and over again to let you know, OK, you've talked to that character enough times. All of those characters got to that point and then they made it moving again.

It's amazing. Let me know when you find my wife's necklace, right? But they just all... I laughed out loud in the very first scene by myself and my wife. That's great. Five Clones Down is the name of my Three Doors Down cover band. We're playing this Thursday at the JCC. All right, Eli, elaborate a little bit more.

How bad was this movie? Well, if you love your favorite Christian horror movie, Dynasty of the Rites, but you wish their movies were interrupted by all the cute animal videos I text to eat. You will love this movie. This is also my best worst. It's fucking incredible. We'll talk about it. All right.

Is there anything y'all would like to nominate this movie for being the best at being the worst at? I'll jump in. Best worst pro donkey propaganda. Yeah, there's this interesting pro donkey, like I think one of the kids is like, people don't talk enough about donkeys and how great they are.

And their magic. And she tries to, yeah, first off, they've written in some spiritual donkey magic that we'll get to. But also there's just like general, like good donkey facts in there. Did you know? I know why. The you're just like what is this an advertisement for donkeys? So yeah. Kind of. I can share that information later. One of the right

girls definitely has the tism, is risen with the tism, but isn't a horse girl because they can't afford to be a horse girl, so she's a donkey girl instead. Yeah, they got the Kirkland Signature horses, which are these donkeys. Exactly, that's exactly right. I think this is the best worst Zillow listing. It is so clear they are trying to set up to sell their farm someday, and they're just giving us this ridiculous tour

around the entire time, and it's really bad. Yeah, it seems like they got this shitty farm in real life and wrote the movie around it so they could use it and write off something or whatever. Well, there's very little movie besides the farm, so that's pretty easy to do. All right, I'm gonna go with best worst. Fuck it, just cut the audio.

There's like nine moments in this movie I'm gonna go with best worst Fuck it. Just cut the audio Like nine moments in this movie where they're just like yeah, we're not using audio, but it's expensive We'll save the money on the MP3 file or whatever. I don't know. It's just out completely for no reason buckle up everyone As I understand it y'all figured something out. As I experienced it, it was just like something horrible happened in their recording. And they were like, we have to cut whatever that was. Podcast listener, what you're about to hear is so reflective of the four human beings on this podcast. It is Mwah! Chef's Kiss Delicious. Thomas, please. Okay, so what did you figure out?

You don't even know. So I started watching this movie before Thomas, and I was like, all right, I'm gonna be prepared. And I think I saw that it was on Amazon Prime. And so I was like, all right, I'm gonna go to Amazon Prime. And I paid $3 to rent this movie. I get the most cursed text. It's just, because I was busy and she started early.

I get a text that's like, don't hate me. It was always a good start in a marriage. Okay, don't freak out. The Wright family's getting extra cheese on the pizza one night thanks to Lydia. She's like, I accidentally gave these people money. I was like, fucking Jesus. What? And but here's the thing.

This turned out to be amazing. It was the best three dollars we've ever spent because then we were watching it on Amazon because we started to watch it on YouTube and the audio problem you talked about happened. We're like, what the fuck? We thought it was us. We're like, did the TV, I don't know. I knew it wasn't us because I had already watched that part at the very beginning and I was like, there's, there's supposed to be sound here.

I know what the script is. The kinds of movies you guys watch, it's not always clear when the sound cuts out Seven three when I was like oh is this an artistic choice? Most normal movies if the sound just cuts out and it's not a war scene where a grenade went off nearby You know that something's fucked up with the speakers with the right family films You're like this could just be the film. Like, it might just be the thing, but it didn't. They were walking out of Sound of Metal, and she was like,

I'm fucking doing that. I'm doing the Sound of Metal. And so we switch over to Amazon, and it's like, oh, the sound is all there. Not only is the sound all there in Amazon, they actually worked on, I think, somebody in that brood of weird clones did the closed captioning. The subtitles. And so the subtitles is actually great. It's not auto-generated like it is in YouTube.

So we have a bunch of little tidbits of the best subtitles ever. Yeah. They go off script a lot. There are a lot of improvised moments. Did you watch Amazon too? No, I watched on YouTube. You wouldn't fucking know. But I put on the closed captioning and it was clearly the script

They put in no, they're auto-generated. It only has auto-generated ones. Well, it was auto generating Incorrectly a lot on YouTube Yes, I believe see and again, this is why this is reflective of everyone on the podcast is that Thomas and Lydia? We're like, well the audios gone out. Let us go to our alternative source Darling are you taking enough notes? Oh darling don't worry I've taken enough notes. So I also hired a transcriber and me and Heath were like, well the sound's broken. I read what they're saying is super dope. Oh look the video's broken or I turned it off.

Oh no my power went out. I guess I can't do the rest of this. Probably a demon. They control electricity. Alright, Eli, do you have a best worst? Yes, before we get into it, and I teased this at the beginning, I'm going to go with best worst foreboding imagery. Again, I just have to be clear that the transitions between every scene are the adorable animals that live on this farm, including a sassy sheep. Yeah. Very sassy. There's a sheep, and I'm gonna say something brave,

from my heart, who's Jewish? He's Jewish. Interesting. Those acting chaps comes from a member of the tribe. I'm sorry. Oh, those acting lamb chaps. There's no way a goy sheep looks at the camera the way this sheep looks at the camera.

Yeah, and the disdain from the animals for the family. Every single one. Every single animal in this movie hates the rights. Is aware they're in a movie and speaks English and is like, this movie is bad, I'm a goat. The sheep had a real gym from the office energy. 100%. Looking into the camera being like, can you believe these fucking weird meth clones? The movie is bad, I'm a goat. The sheep had a real gym from the office energy. 100% Looking into the camera being like, can you believe these fucking weird meth clones? I don't care.

We're going to be on a podcast about bad movies. I can tell. Yeah. I'm a goat. Yeah. Alright, well, it sounds like the Smiths have figured out the movie and we might learn more about it as we go. Fantastic. But first we're going to take a quick break and then we're back to tell you all about Hillock Haunting. Hey David, did you see the video I sent you pickles the donkey eating an ice cream sundae?

I don't know. Where did you send it? Instagram. I Haven't been on Instagram today, Ashley. Oh Really? You haven't checked Instagram? No I haven't checked Instagram. Well, did you get a chance to look at my new movie script? Yeah I did. Can I say... Yeah? I can't help but notice that you've used literally every transition in the film to insert every video of the donkeys and horses that I haven't watched over the last two years. Oh yeah, I guess I have, haven't I?

Well, guess you better get watching. Got a movie to make. Movie. Right. See that Heath, you're like David Wright. He sends like a thousand today. It's too many. It's impossible to keep up with.

I do like those things. It's still too many. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. And then you bake the whole pumpkin. Your stove fits a whole pumpkin? Well, yeah, you gotta take the racks out, but yeah. Right. It's not your fault, Thomas. You have to stop. Heath, a little help?

Oh, yeah, okay. Is he telling you it's not your fault, like, over and over again? Yeah, why? Yeah, so he's made some kind of, like, self-ddiscovery through therapy and now he's doing this all the time really think about your mother Thomas Okay, it's not your fault. Okay. How do we make it stop? I really don't know I'm not sure um I keep telling him that if you want to improve your mental health Therapy with a licensed mental health professional. It's definitely the way to do it Yeah, but who can find a decent therapist these days? Actually, if you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try.

It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist, and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. Oh, oh! Paint a picture of your father and then burn it! Nope, nope, not gonna do that. But that BetterHelp thing sounds good, Heath. Where do I sign up? Take off the mask with BetterHelp.

Visit BetterHelp.com slash awful today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash awful. Alright, thanks. Yeah, sorry I can't make Eli stop though. It's okay. This is basically just dear old dads. Read the journals. I mean you should read the journals though.

Okay. What are you afraid of? And we're back and we're gonna start this one off by setting the scary mood with ominous Alfalfa and Sheep that is very bored with the movie already. We got your best worst already happening already out there. Can you believe this movie? Not for me, but if you're enjoying it I would be you Not for me, but if you're enjoying it, I would be you. Yeah, and it started with the 7 and up, and maybe this was just an Amazon thing, but 7

plus is the rating. All my favorite horror movies are 7 and up. Hey, 6 and 7 year olds, clear out. The big kids are going to watch some sheep horror. I need someone who can read fluently. You hear me? Fluently. All right, 8 year olds fluently. You hear me? Fluently. Alright, eight-year-old Zen up.

Let's watch this scary film. Is my bright six-year-old ready for this film? Absolutely not! What? Kids approaching tweenage only. I also hate that Hans Zimmer, whoever invented like the formula for music that anyone can do now, you know, so like even these fucking weird meth clones can just do somehow music that actually sounds More intense than music from like 30 years ago, you know

Yes, but someone just made a formula now they shouldn't have access to it is what I'm saying Like they shouldn't yeah, we need some gatekeeping on art And they do their first misuse of it here because they do the pop scare music Without a pops. Yeah. Yeah, right. It does the like better better and then it's like I mean, I was just doing jaws. You get what I'm saying right now and they do that but nothing's happening We're just watching the sheet spiderweb. Yeah, the sheeps like are they doing the pop scare music? Yeah, this movie would have been so much better if it took like the babe approach and like you could actually The sheep's like, are they doing the Popscan music? This seems... Yeah. This movie would have been so much better if it took like the babe approach and like

you could actually hear the animal's thoughts during all of it. Like they're talking as, oh my God. Look who's talking for. They would have been roasting the movie the whole time. It would have been amazing. It would have been so good. My new theory of the film is that the insane people who made this actually can or they think they can hear the animals talking. And so to them, that's part of the movie. That's part of the film is that the insane people who made this actually can or they think they can hear the animals talking and so to them that's part of the movie.

That's part of the film. And they're like this is great. I love this scene with the donkeys and everyone else is like you're just showing donkeys. No there's great dialogue in there. Here's what I'll say, alright? I know two things in my heart that are true. One, I love my child. Two, the rights would sell us the rights to this film

so that we could make the Hillock haunting in parentheses with all the thoughts of the end. Sort of our own look who's talking mystery science theater version of the movie. Yeah. All right, I would come back for that. Sure, I'll write about the mismatching of this first scene because this was supposed to be the scary opening

where like, I guess a death happened. I can't even tell. But what happened was it's almost like someone pulled the lever on a slot machine of like music, fast film stuff, and animals, and they never matched up like, pop scare, oh, but it didn't match with the fucking other thing that was supposed to be.

And it was just this, like, they did the speed film to make the ghost seem scary, but then they accidentally also did it on the dude who was like grabbing some like animal food and that didn't make sense. It's just a mess. Yeah, horror movies written by people who have only seen the trailers for horror movies

before the Christian films they watch, yeah. So now we get the credits, little Ashley Wright Hayes film. We know that this is an Ashley Wright joint. I wrote my notes. That's right. You lucky motherfucker. She's done. Done it again. Yeah. Also, we see we see the murder for a second right before the the Ashley Wright Hayes film thing. I guess we do. Yeah, sure. If we see the we see like a crazy old lady like sprint into the barn,

like the ring and the guy. We're going to find out. I wasn't sure if it was like a kid or an old lady because the camera work was so bad. Like I couldn't tell what was happening at all. And then you just see boots like thud on the ground. And we find out it's a ghost later. She didn't look like a ghost.

She was just like a lady. Just creepy. So for all we know some old lady, yeah, just killed a guy. We don't know. And when we later see the ghost, it's going to be a dolphin. So it's very confusing as to why, yeah, spoilers.

This is when I started laughing though, when the run happens, because the run goes so bad. Yes. It's the best. What's amazing is because they did speed up the film, but they didn't realize that when horror movie makers do this, they just speed up the film. They don't speed up the film and also run real fast.

And that is what she has done. So now we get our first shot of the daughters. And can I say, just to reflect personally for a moment, I'm kind of watching these daughters grow up through the lens of these bad Christian movies. Can I say it makes me feel bad. It feels a little like we're the podcast that roasts family Christmas cards, right? Because I'm pretty sure these people send everyone in their family like, hi, we done a new movie, make sure you check it out. And I'm a 37 year old man who doesn't know them,

who's just had increasingly mean jokes about their children's physical appearance. You have a parasocial relationship with these fucking kids. Yeah, exactly. That is so weird. Like this movie is the first time I was like, huh, can I start making jokes about these kids yet? Nah, probably not 18, cross out, cross out, cross out.

That's a weird position to be in. Can I start making jokes about Eli's Halloween card? Did you all get it? Yeah, we got it. The one where Eli looks like maybe a KKK member in the background? In short sleeves. Interesting choice.

Yeah. Okay. So for those at home who are confused, Max chose the costumes this year because Ann and I were talking about it and he wanted to choose. And so the costumes he chose were Frog Frog Frog. Hate group. And Spooky Ghost. So he decided that I would be a spooky ghost. So we covered me in a tablecloth and put my glasses on me while the three of them had a nice photo shoot as frogs.

But why were you burning the cross though? That is because I am trying to send a message to my neighbors and I don't want to talk about what it is. That's so incidental. Clear. Exactly. But back to this movie. Back to this movie.

Yeah. The guy gets a call with a ringtone that can't exist now. Like, just find the real thing. He pulls out an iPhone and it's a ringtone that's not that. Sorry. But then, okay, I feel crazy. This is the first moment. He gets a phone call that's a voicemail. Am I wrong? Well, so they don't know because they watched YouTube, hon.

Oh, you didn't hear any of this? No. That's what I'm saying. We get to share what this is. Okay, well, sorry. Audible, I am playing the audio of what happened here because you have to hear this man get a phone call that's a voicemail because it's the weirdest fucking thing. Henry, that's your Uncle Ridge. I hate to be the one to tell you, but your father was found dead in the

barn this morning. They said it was a heart attack. In fact, that farm is all yours, buddy. That's a voicemail. Wait, he left a voicemail about a death? But he rang. He answers the phone call with a voicemail. It's like if someone knocked on your door and you answered, but then they were an email.

It was a letter, yeah. What? How does that even happen? We also have to point out that David has gone with the Billy Goats Gruff style of beard for this film. Oh my god. New episode just his... How does that happen? It morphs. It changes sizes. It's like one of those... You ever go to like one of those experimental art things and someone set up a thing where they do like a light projection onto water? That's what he's doing with his beard.

He shaves the sides of his face like a normal human being. Sort of. Like, more or less. And then he just forgets shaving exists for the whole chin and mouth part. And so he has a ZZ Top, but like only like three inches wide, like a ZZ top beard just on his chin. ZZ bottom, if you will. And then the sides of his face though, shaved normal. It's the worst look. It's so bad.

I think it's a tactical beard in his head. Yeah. No question. He's quite certain it's tactical in some way. To be fair though, everything is a tactical that thing for this guy. He's one of those guys that you can sell anything to with that marketing. We make fun of it on Dads where it's like, it'll be like a diaper carrier. It's like, tactical bag.

Tactical blood pressure medication. Dear old Dads, just one of the many podcasts that Thomas is on. Along with opening arguments. Thomas is handing me a 20 under the recording table right now, everybody, just so you know what's going on. So now we get the title, Hillock Haunting. That's not a good title for me. No, it's not.

Sure isn't. The Haunting of Hillock House. So it's supposed to be scary, like, oh, what's going to be the haunting, like a haunted mountain or something? Well, like a little mound, like a small mound. Yes, what's gonna be like the haunting like a haunted mountain or something? Well, it like a little mound like a small mound I don't think they know that Hillock means small mound I think they just like saw the word in an old book and they were like what if it's the Hillock family? Hillock haunting that's great. HH. Yeah, let's fucking do it

Yeah, but it sounds so it always blows my mind when it's like, wait, that's not their actual name. So you could have picked the name. There's no, you know, like you could have picked any name. You can write whatever you want. Yeah, you can write whatever you want. They have to let you. And you chose something that is so awkward. HILK.

HILK haunting. Yeah, it is really weird to say. It's awful. I don't know this, but I think the rights dabble in that Transmogrifiers version of naming movies, which is that they want to name it close to something that someone is searching for. Yep. They try to get people who are too high to search correctly, who accidentally watch this. That's absolutely what it is. But this Hillock Haunting, the guy gets a call, I guess we didn't say that his dad died in the farm. I just want to say, live your life such that when you inherit a piece of shit farm,

you're like, oh no, no thanks. I don't... I... Put it up on... Yeah, let's see how much that bad boy's worth. But these people drop everything. Just instantly are like, oh, there's something to do. Okay, great, finally. We bought a petting zoo. Yeah. So yeah, and so he drives them to the farm and

then explains what they're going to do. I wrote in my notes at this point, Thomas and Lydia, I would like you to announce to your children that you're moving to a farm and see if their response is a quiet hug, which is the response of the daughters in this movie. They just leave. They leave their apartment and they're like, all right. They have this scene where they're like, well, we're going to, he's the worst. He's not, you can't call him an actor. Did this feel like a documentary to anybody in this scene?

It was like the camera work was so weird. Yeah. So bad. And he says like, well, we're moving. And then they just go. It wasn't like, like a normal movie or a normal, I don't know, human thing. Would be, well guys, we inherited a farm, we are gonna move, so probably two, three months, we're gonna let's get, let's get, tie things out, I'm gonna put in my notice at the old factory here, you guys are gonna quit school, we're gonna move. They're like, nope, okay, let's go.

And after that scene, they're like, here we go. And then they're there. And grandpa died, no reaction. They might as well drive off with a crackling fire of the town behind them. They might as well drive off and then the family that actually lives in that apartment is tied up and like, They've just been living in someone else's life the whole time. He just flicks a cigarette into gasoline, explodes behind them, and they get the U-Haul. They've been funny games the whole time.

We found a different life to have. Okay. Let the family go. Let them out of their panic room. They starve to death? Well, there you have it. Should've raised fatter kids. It's interesting that you point out his acting style, Thomas, because I think I put my finger on it. Let me hit you with this. You ever watch in a true crime thing and there's someone who talks weird and you're like, that guy talks weird this whole time. But then in episode seven, they reveal that he was in the room when the goat burst through the refrigerator and gored dad and then ripped his head off and threw it into the blender

and it all went into his mouth. And you're like, that's why that guy talks that way. He's crazy. That's how David Wright acts. He acts like someone who has not yet revealed their trauma to you, but it's gonna make sense when they have. So good.

I also, you were missing out on so many subtitles, we'll get to them, but what they also tried to do, and I love this with these shitty films, they tried to like fix some things in the subtitles, in the Amazon ones, again, cause they made the Amazon ones again because they made the Amazon ones So they'll like make them act better. It'll be like Henry breeds uneasily Henry acts incredibly compelling

Just because you put it in the script doesn't mean you get to put it in the subtitles girl. Come on So yeah, they they're moving into the farm This is where the girl stopped to admire the painting of a donkey. The best. The girl says, wow, he really did love donkeys. And I wrote in my notes, why else would he have a painting of one?

Look at the size of that painting. And it's literally like something you could get at HomeGoods. It's like not big at all. No. We're coming up on our favorite thing that we laughed forever on. So I just want to make sure we get to it.

Is it the French postcard he got from one of his many donkey lovers that we got to in this scene? No, but I love that. That's also good. Honestly, like the way that this was being set up, initially I was like, are donkeys the problem? Like, is that what's going on here? Like, did they bring on the ghost?

Donkeys are slowly overtaking me. Because there's so much focus on them. But you guys want to know why there's so much focus on donkeys. Why? Because Ashley started a donkey rescue. No! What?! It's called Donkey and Draft Rescue.

Come on. And they have a Patreon. Oh, what?! And it's higher than ours, everybody. So check them out if you're also a donkey fan. I'm sure they would really appreciate it. Okay, I want to point out that I did not know this information when I made my donkey propaganda joke. Like, because I was literally like, this is just pro donkey propaganda. No, I found this because this is what I do.

I just find things like this. That feels so validating. It's all the donkeys from the fucking thing! Yeah, it is. And it's one randomly they'll be like, fun donkey fact. They're amazing. And you're like, what the fuck is this? I learned it from the newsletter I get from Donkey and Draft Rescue. Okay now first warning sign. We need to bring a rescue donkey to the Wright family now in real life. No no no we need to bring me in a donkey costume too.

Yes, that's better. Okay, now I look I hate to bring us to the side, but I need to because it's important for the Lord. When you go to Tronky and draft rescue, they have Donki on demand TV. Yes. That promises watch your favorite Donki and draft rescue videos 24 hours a day. Yeah. Delivered to you by your favorite donkeys. What?

What does that mean? You have to do whatever that is. Stop everything. Is she picturing a future project that's sort of a CNBC 24 hour news network? It's always watching a butt-winds dog. It's like Mr. Ed TV. I was envisioning donkey, a series of donkey messengers. But you're saying it's like, no, donkey anchors that are like, okay, and over to you.

And it's just 24-7 donkey news cycle. Is that what it is? I don't, I don't know what the... Okay. Heath, from your heart, okay, their highest Patreon level is 300 a month. Can we pledge right now? What do we get for that? Can we pledge right now? What do we get for that? Can we pledge right now as our podcast?

Okay, access to behind the scenes rescue scenes, exclusive video content, never before seen photos and monthly newsletters. This level also includes a special e-card from the donkeys on our birthday! Private videos and photos of your favorite rescues. I'm signing up right now. We're signing up right now.

$300 a month? Look, I'm actually signing up for a higher thing to see if they invent one for us. 301? Yeah. I went way higher than 301. Jesus Christ. I have to apologize to Noah right now for what I'm doing to your business. Noah, it's a bad check this month, but when you come back from vacation, it's working. I hope you like ramen.

Noah, we bought a petting zoo. We bought a petting zoo. We bought a rescue! We bought a donkey rescue! That's so important, Ari. What are the donkeys being rescued from? Like, what is... David. Oh, God. Are a lot of people in apartment complexes taking on one too many donkeys? Like what is...

They do when they have a dream. No, it was it was gonna be fine. We get a donkey. No, we have a studio apartment. No, it'll be great. And then like they accidentally get a boy donkey and a girl donkey. No wait, famously they can't reproduce, right? That's right. What the fuck?

What are you rescuing them? Okay. How did you know that fact? Because they didn't talk about that in the movie. That's fair. I don't know anything about donkeys until they tell talk about that in the movie. That's fair. I don't know anything about donkeys until they tell me. This surprises my wife from time to time. I do know information that's not in the movie that we just watched.

I disagree. I think that's weird. Okay, so we have to talk about this scene. Talk to me. Because now we need something scary to happen. You ready for something scary to happen? It's a horror movie everybody. And so the girls are having a scene

where the one that Eli thinks is autistic is proving the case. I'm not ready to weigh in on which of them I think is autistic. Well, is it the one that's doing this entire scene staring at the floor? Cause I think it might be her. And I don't understand that.

But then again, it also could just be how they make movies. They're that bad at it. And then they're like, okay, we had a terrible scene. Not memorable, whatever they said. And then they start to walk out and a subtitle indicates the sound that we get. It says, the subtitle says, shower curtain bangs. Now, can a shower curtain bang is what I want to know. And then they say, whoa, what was that?

Oh, we must have just, and I quote, it's the shower curtain. We must have knocked it over when we let, what, what? How do you knock a shower curtain down? Am I crazy? That is a great question. Now, Thomas, it's weird because I feel like we're reversing roles very slightly

because this is a poor person thing. Oh, are you saying that the shower curtain is independent of the shower? Yes, it's saying that the shower curtain is independent of the shower? It's like the whole... It's independent of the shower. You buy one of the ones that you just sort of like stuck out to either side. It's a tension rod. Exactly.

It happened though. No, no, no, absolutely not. We agree that in the movie they just rustled a curtain and called it knocking over. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. Okay, now we have to get to, I'm so sorry because right after this the way they get out of the scary moment is mine and Lydia's favorite thing to ever happen and be captured on film.

I'm gonna play this and I'm just so glad that I had to put in a special legal request. Thomas brought clips. Yes, to like I filled out a form to like be able to play clips on your guys's company show and it's so worth it. So here we go. Ah! What was that? It's just a shower curtain.

We must have knocked it over somehow. Oh, okay. We'll get it later. Alright. Hey, small books. Hahaha! Hey, small books. Hey, small books. Was she trying to say some old books? She is trying to say some old books.

She says small books. Small books and the subtitle on Amazon says small books. No, she says small books. You're giving her credit. These subtitles, I remind you, are not auto-generated. They did additional- They are from the mind of the author. Yes, and she says, hey, small books. Hey, small books. I'm not joking.

Small books. Hey, round movies. What? Now, I do have to point out that at this point, these books will be books the teens are reading. Later, they will be his dead father's journals. Oh, they like reuse the props. Yeah, and like various ghost encyclopedias, I think.

But also, Grandpa appears to have chewed the edges of his journal. This is so stupid. It is so dumb. Using one of like the wood pencil things. Yeah, the prop of his diary is like one of those stupid TikToks you'd see, or back in the day it was vines or what? No, it was like an old YouTube video where someone made an entire thing in nature out of sticks, but it's a journal. Oh yes, yes.

It's like, why would that be the, they have phones. No, it's like, yeah, school projects, right? Like that you'd have to recreate a journal or something from a family member's past and you would like, you know, stain it with tea, and burn the edges. Yeah. Pull the lighter under it, and then you set it on fire, and your dad yells at you.

I mean, they have Amazon in this world, right? Like, you would have just ordered a journal from Amazon. Why would you get one that looks like it was made in 1850? Just because it's spookier? But it's just a grandpa. Why would he be spooky? Okay. It's also the one journal journal and he was 87 years old

He's only had one journal. Oh, no, they find more later on there's a series of boilers. Yeah So we get some sweet sweet pony footage and then we cut over to David in the only scene They will have with a horse now. This is what I'm going to make a guess here about the cinematic universe I think they were like and we could use the horse for the movie. And this horse kicked David in the chest. He was in the hospital for six to 10 weeks. And they took the moment where it kicked him in the chest and made it part of the film. I hate to contradict you, but I think I actually have a better theory, which is that it's all

part of the pro donkey propaganda. Oh, man, this, horses are so inconvenient. Horses will kick you if only there was a smaller creature, you know. That still had the same size head. Yeah. Oh, there it is. Yeah, that's absolutely it. And another subtitle says, horse clopping angrily.

I couldn't help but think of Clip Bot horse. Like it must be, it's clop Tom, but made into a horse subtitle. But what they're going for here is that horses can sense demons maybe, because maybe there's a demon around and the horse gets a little spooked here. And very clearly, David Owen Wright and this whole family, they have very strong opinions on which animals are in league with demons and which animals can magically sense demons and be helpful. Also I just want to point out that I, and I've never seen this before, this horse has

the same hairstyle as all the women I've ever met who work at a vape shop. I don't know how they managed to do this. It's got the blonde curl over. Anyways, so that night he's sort of taking stock of the farm and he's gonna tell the girls about it he says and I'm almost exact quote I counted all the animals. There's 19 of them. And he goes through them. There's two this, five that. Why do we again it's an advertisement. Yeah. And they're going selling fast everyone if you get your donkeys now.

He also advised them not to get kicked by a horse. Cause again, in my theory, he just got kicked by a horse six to 10 weeks ago when they started making the film. And then the girls asked for permission to read, which is, I wrote in my notes, fine, but just this once. And then they order a pizza again. If you hold on, he opens the fridge and he goes, pizza it is. I'm like yeah

Sorry, your dead dad didn't leave like a delicious dinner waiting for you in the fridge the day after he died It was a nice charcuterie plate, but I Pacing is though he just died like that's like in terms of the timeline You know I love the disappointment in opening the fridge absolutely I if If only dad had known about factor meals, you know what I'm saying? What? Yeah, they're getting pizza. I also just have to point this scene out with the pizza because I believe that the way the rights get their children to participate in these films is they get takeout for the first time that year. Oh, yeah.

Last film we watched, it was very obviously KFC this year. I believe it was pizza for just for those of you keeping track I have to get to my second now favorite moment of acting in this and why I Unironically just love watching like every moment of this was a feast for the eyes because we get the funniest reading ever which is I Don't know if they have emotions like us About the animals in the most dead there too emotions like us. About the animals. In the most dead, she's talking about the animals.

And she says, I don't know if they have emotions like us. Yes! And it's like, do you hear yourself? Like the whole movie is stuff like that where you're like, this is actually genius. This might be brilliant. I don't know. I'm not sure. I wrote in my notes when she says that line, I can confirm the donkeys do in fact have

emotions like you. I'm not sure. I wrote in my notes when she says that line, I can confirm the donkeys do in fact have emotions like you. Yeah. Like us, yeah. The subtitles just say, he said emotionally. He said doing good acting. So now it's time for another pop scare. We get one of the girls reading in the woods.

Trees Crackling is the sound. Some subtitles, Trees Crackling. Creepy Breathing was one of them. But here's what I want to know. Which came first? Because crackling, not really a thing that they... Like the sound also actually sounds like that. It's like a candy wrapper. But that's not what trees do.

So what I want to know is, did the sound come first or did the subtitle come first? Did the subtitle come first and then the sound guy was like crackling. Okay, I guess I'll wrinkle some fucking cellophane. I guess that's what you want. I have to know. Yeah. And then the shaky cam chases her a little maybe. Right.

Trying to be Blair Witch. I lived out in the middle of nowhere in a forest. I used to do this as a kid when you're like eight or nine and you just decide like there's a go. It's something scary and you run away like just as a thing to do there wasn't a lot to do I did that in suburbia yeah you pretend the cops are coming after you if you hear a siren anywhere bushes yeah that sounds after me you got a great stick that you can use as a sword oh yeah just saying, just saying great stick. I didn't have a great stick Okay, so at this moment there there's some very small books, which is very scary

sitting on a rock and One of the sisters from the family sees that and then maybe gets attacked by a demon in the woods who's like yeah mad about her taking The very small books that the demon keeps on this rock for their reading spot Well, they had taken them out there to read so and then she's get all whoops We left our small books out there where the demon I guess is Goes out and the ghosts I think this is the ghost at this point because again spoilers There's a ghost and a demon two different characters with backstories with entire Interternal experiences so we need to honor that two different

Ghost demon for me throughout but you're right. It's a ghost and a demon They don't all look alike It's a ghost and a demon and by the end of the movie. I'm not sure that they know each other I'm not sure that they know each other We're working at cross-purposes a little bit we should have consulted on this we're kind of haunting the same area Right and the ghost you know does typical ghosty things which is nothing and then she runs away and is like Oh, I got away from the nothing that was out there. That's all that happens Okay, so yeah, I thought the demon ghost or whichever one it is, the ghost. Wow, stop mixing them.

I thought the ghost, you fucking bigot. Those people? I thought the ghost had left the books on the rock to like, get the kids to grab them. And it was like a Boo Radley scenario. And there's going to be more like Boo Radley stuff going on. There's like a neighbor kid that they, yeah. Yeah. That would be better.

Yeah. I think the Wright family read To Kill a Mockingbird? Question mark. But they don't know what happens in that book at all. Hey buddy, I promise you the Wright family hasn't read To Kill a Mockingbird. They went to get a typical Mockingbird, they're like, eh, I don't like the proportions of this book. It's a normal sized book.

Here's what I promise you. If you ask David Wright, This doesn't teach me how to kill it at all. At all. I'm gonna write an even better... How to really kill a mockingbird by David Wright. Do you think, just going back slightly, and please forgive me for dwelling, do you think that the ghost talks about the demon the way we talk about bigots who also are atheists? Like, the ghost is meeting someone and they're like,

Oh, you know Sam Harrison? It's like, ah, I don't know. Technically we're in the same genre, but like, ah, it's not really a thing. Why does everyone always ask me this? Yeah, okay. Yes, we are. We share a spiritual realm. No, I'm not the same as the demon.

I don't make the same choices. The ghost always has to apologize, right? We really just agree on one simple question if you think about it. But if you look at the demon's Patreon, it's like 400 times mine. I don't know why. I don't know why.

The demon's making a lot more money doing this, and now they've got their own university. Yeah, we're trying to reclaim a moral, sound ghosting, and these demons just come in here, and they do whatever the fuck they want. They make more money. And the demon's moms buy them like six PhDs. They don't really deserve it.

When I go visit other hauntings, they won't mention opening arguments. Open arguments? Go opening arguments? Go opening arguments? We'll come to it. All right, so then we get David waking up in the dark. Oh, this is the Yankee candle moment.

I'm sorry. I have to talk about this. So David wakes up in the dark and he sees the ghost in the hallway and she dramatically whips the candle around her body. But it's not scary because it's very clearly one of those Yankee candles that's called like Christmas morning. So it kind of takes away from the spook factor. And then he goes into the bathroom and realizes that the ghost has fogged up the bathroom.

In the shower. Which is how I learned that my wife is a ghost. I kind of like that the ghost was mostly doing like low level pranks this whole time. Like leaving the hot water. It's like just a bunch of stuff to prank all dads. Just like, moving the thermostat a little bit, and running away. Touching the thermostat, yeah.

Messing with the light. Moving heavy furniture down the stairs without lifting it. Yeah. Or the ghost was just, you know, taking a shower. Like, getting clean, I don't know. Leaving the front door open. He turns it off and the subtitle says, handle clattering.

Dude, just no, like, now I want to imagine an extended argument between the subtitles guy and the sound Clattering? Oh, what do you think it crinkled? Maybe I'll crinkle the handle and I'll crinkle it and it'll turn off You're telling me that shower curtain is just holding this whole time? T-Dog, it's been a while since we've done this. Let's invite the rights on for a debate on Serious Inquiries only about what the word clattering means. I think it's time. And it's here where you can see the shower curtain is clearly not a kind you can knock over. It's absolutely not one of the ones that you can knock over. 100%.

But a ghost was like, I loosened the springs on the tension rod. Now I wait. Now what would you do? I just want to ask us all, what would you do if you woke up from a dream that you woke up from a dream because he does a dream of a dream Thing and then you go on the showers turned on very spooky. Yes, we cut to the next morning What do you think this guy has done? Is there any chance I have a magical shower faucet that turns on? His exact words, if I may.

Can the water come on without me turning it on? What is the best case scenario answer from the plumber? Um, no. Yeah? What? Who dis? New number. I'm not talking to you anymore. Okay, but here's the thing.

This is where I felt most connected to David because I make these calls to the service people in my house all the time. This is what Eli would do. Yeah, now I hear myself say. I have multiple times texted my electrician and said, hey, this light fixture is broken and he has texted me back, the bulb burned out. And I've been like, no, this light fixture is broken. And he has texted me back. The bulb burned out. And I've been like, no, I just changed it. And he's like, you should try changing the bulb before I come out there.

And sure enough, I changed the bulb and it's fine. And I'm like, you were right. And he's like, and then he doesn't respond because why would you? Okay. Every repair person in real life in David Owen writes town is fielding phone calls that are like, Hey, is there a demon based reason that the door jam is a little bit sticky? Yeah.

No question. Now this is where Heath and I lost sound. They have a conversation for a good minute. So Smiths, fill us in. Yes, we'll fill you in. We'll fill you in. Okay, so they basically say, hey, you know, Grandpa had books about ghosts in the house

and we were reading them before bed. Were they small books or? The small books. What size? They were very excited about. And he said, you were reading ghost books before bed. He gets very upset about it. And they're like, it's fine.

You know, we'll bring them down and show them to you. And why can't they read ghost books before bed? I know, they're like 20. They're freaking old. I think the last movie we did was very much about the dangers of reading books that have occult stuff in it. Like, it's a theme for this family that they worked into this one a little bit. Gotcha, okay. To be fair, James Hetfield, James Methfield met what he meant was from like a Gaston perspective, you know, like it's not right for a woman to read.

Yeah. They'll start getting ideas and thinking. It was more like that, I think. That's why they had to cut it out of YouTube, because the censors at Google would hold them back. It's all making sense. So now we cut to them. They're doing some work out on the farm. I think they try to make a donkey sound scary in this scene. Oh my god. It woke up my dog the first time I watched it. I was so mad. She was freaking out I was like, oh stupid donkey and also the stall for the donkey was named the Thomas sweet

I don't know if you guys saw that Also because this is the best example of it, I know I've talked about the animals doing cute thing They literally have like a minute long shot of a donkey rolling around having a blast. I know, so cute. He's literally doing the like dog fight in a good puddle roll. Not filling me with the chilling feeling I think a haunted movie should be going for. But propaganda, yeah. And then, and I can't emphasize this enough, we have about two minutes of footage of David

with his bulldozer. Why? Because he had a bulldozer and Ashley said that we'd do some footage of me and my bulldozer. It still has the price tag on it, I'm pretty sure. So here's the thing, here's the thing. Because he said, he said, I'm calling my gravel guy to repair the paddocks, right? And I see the rocks that are delivered and I'm like, paddocks, right? And I see the rocks that are delivered and I'm like, I feel like that's not right. And so I went on a journey of researching how to properly build a paddock. If you're not listening to where there's woe, this is the mind that you have available. This is what she does, but as a force for good instead of as a force for evil, which

is what she's forced to do, which she's on our show. I examined like there's various layers. Sometimes it's a force for nothing. Yeah. According to my research, the size of the rock that he had delivered is probably appropriate for a base layer. And that'd be it.

Anything higher, and you're going to want something a lot smaller. They're very huge. You don't want horses stepping on those things. So what he's really doing is building a paddock. He's not repairing one. He's starting from the base layer. And I feel like they should have known that

because they're farmers. Let's get to the bottom of this. Well, to be very call to plumber to ask if turning it on doesn't, if not turning it on, could turn it on. Far too large of rocks. But now it's time to meet my favorite character in the movie, Abby. My favorite person in the world.

Possibly ever, yeah. This is a great acting performance. Yes, so we see someone put themselves in the room with the donkeys and they're holding a rusty sickle, right? We're setting up for a horror scene. Scraping it up on someone else's property. Yeah, she does a lot of scraping with this sickle and the girls find her and it is Abby who is I'm gonna say the girl's friend from school. What do you guys? Oh, I think this is that I think this is another

Yeah, I don't know that she's blood-related no, she just got the dad's genetics more than a mom's you can tell I'm pretty sure We've seen her in other right family movies and she's one of the sisters in real life. You don't think she's adopted? She has the mom's exact mouth, but the dad's exact shape. Okay. Yeah, I think that's right. There's three Wright children?

Yeah. Oh, wow. Wow. We made a discovery that you guys didn't know. I'm blown away. I just assumed. Yeah. So I don't have whatever your history is, so I was like, oh, there's a third one.

No, your assumption is definitely correct. Yeah. Okay. I didn't know here. Let me click on the cast Hey guys, I'm sorry that I oh, yeah get on the cast Hired a separate actor for this I thought they like all right here. I'm gonna tell you oh, oh, this is gonna be good Okay, Jaina, right portrays Abby. Yes Here's what she's known for and we'll see if you've seen any of these. The Rapture Diaries. I dare you to mess with a kid's panda at Christmas.

What? Boxes and blessings. Sorry, let me write all of these down. The badge, the Bible, and Bigfoot. We've done that one. Obviously, the one that began it all. Well, then you know her. You know the work of Jaina Wright, Eli.

Exactly. How dare this Jaina Wright erasure is not acceptable. I don't remember children because I can't make fun of their physical appearance. When they age into me being able to make fun of their physical appearance, as she has done in this film. In Jesus name, that sounds like one you have to do. We also did that one, yeah. Yeah, we saw that one. So you've also seen her in that somewhere.

Correct. But again, I have to wipe them from my memory until I'm allowed to make fun of their physical appearance. It's my working process. Love is patient. Love casts out all fear. Yeah. You know Jane Leroy.

Wow, what a resume. Prolific. Well, anyways, we see her in this film. They have decided to give her black eye makeup under the eyes. They had Phoebe do her makeup. No, this is like when I went to sleepovers as a kid and we pretended we were in the craft and like just trying to be like spooky and we would like try and levitate each other. Yeah, this is what...

Right, but also maybe you were playing center field on a sunny day on a baseball team. I was gonna say it does. It does vary from... And also maybe you related to a raccoon. Yeah. It does vary from raccoon to football player to Justin Trudeau's photo he wishes you would forget about. It really, really goes back and forth in this film. Gets way too close.

Yeah. But yeah, this is Abby. She was the girl who helped grandpa out on the farm. And she talks spooky, right? The point is she talks spooky, but none of them can act or emote. So she just talks slightly more monotone than the other people in this film.

Yeah, they don't have a lot of variables to work with in terms of delivery. You know, there's not a whole lot to it. She's like, all right, well, you sound exactly like all of us because we're all this exact thing. Maybe put a little more space in between your sentences. Okay. There you go That's it. We'll call it a character and we painted your face weirdly and that's it Yeah, yeah

And then the next day dad meets her right so the girls meet her and then the next day dad meets her and she's just The entire time they're talking Scraping the side back and forth along the wall He will not stop playing with no propthe, but it is a very real rusty scythe that they have on set. It is rusty, but you know what's more scary? It's like a sharp one of those. You know? The rusty, totally dull sickle is like,

okay, I'm not as good. Just tetanus. Polish that up, and yeah, that's true. That's an important state concern there. So this scene ends with Dad just saying like, hey, Abby, like, thanks for doing work on the farm for us Um, just be careful with the scythe that you got and then she improvised the thing and she scratches the back She's like I'll be careful with the ow

Fuck and they have to cut and that's the end of the scene. It's the that is the end of the scene Yeah, it's pretty fantastic clearly hurt herself with Asaith in real life. So we're going to take a quick break and let her get a bandaid or something much larger, I don't know, a bunch of Neosporin. And a shot. Yeah, and a shot. And then we'll be back with more Hillock Haunting. I'm telling you, donkeys are spiritual.

They know things and they can sense when something is amiss. Trust the donkeys. Trust the donkeys. If you say so. Hey. Oh, hey, donkey. Namaste. Say namaste.

I said hi. Yeah, but he said namaste. Namaste, donkey. hi. Yeah, but he said namaste. Namaste, Donkey. Feels appropriate. Do you want to get rid of the ghost or not? Anyway, I was wondering if you could help us with the ghost or demon thing. Yes, I can help you. Oh, great.

A reading starts at $45. $45 bucks? For the reading. And that does not include crystals or charms. I need to buy a crystal? Crystals, plural. You're going to need a lot, I can tell. Even though the reading hasn't started yet.

Wow, a free preview. He never does those. Okay. And we're back. When we left off, Abby had lost a good deal of blood doing that space work with a scythe went very badly Assuming they had to like pause production opening arguments Is the name of a podcast everybody should check out Wow and Now the sisters are having a meeting about the obviously evil person who carries around a

weapon all the time and works at their farm. But also does all the work. Yeah. He's like, what do you do around here? And she's like, well, I feed the animals, I repair the... She like makes a point of saying all the stuff they already did. And I'm like, oh, okay, so you don't have a job anymore? Or they don't?

Yeah. It's confusing. Anyway, redundant. Somebody's redundant is what I'm saying. I think what they're saying is they need someone to pledge $300 a month. Pick their favorite donkey. If only we had more donkeys to take care of.

I don't like that they have other interests. It's not part of the game. This is like when someone was in a volleyball league with David AR white and I was like, what's he like? And they were like, he's nice and I was like, no Fuck you Anyways, so now it's time for another haunting. This is one of the most intense ones in the movie We get some fast motion camera some doorknob wiggling and then... Okay. Doorknob clattering again, by the way.

Yeah, clattering. We also get my favorite closed captioning moment from YouTube anyway. It says, suspenseful musical music. You tell me that's auto-generated. You tell me what auto-generator on God's green earth. Auto-generated, suspenseful, musical music. That's right. So we cut straight from there to one of those weird Cracker Barrel signs. You just go to Cracker Barrel and you're like, who buys it?

Ashley Wright. That's who buys it. And the sign says, keep the gate closed no matter what the donkeys tell you. Hilarious. We're going to talk to Abby again. Abby will, throughout the movie, reveal everything she knows, which I should point out is a lot, but she's going to reveal it like piece by piece, second by second. Yeah, I think it's worth playing this.

This is more gold out of the best actress in the film. Take us there, Thomas. One of the rights. I don't. Take us there Thomas. Take one of the rights I don't remember her name already. Jaina didn't feed to get some more grain Do you always carry that blade there's something strange about this property and this makes me feel safe Your grandfather chose donkeys to keep him protected Well, I chose something a little more practical. Safe from what? Ghost?

More like the feeling of always being watched. Goosebumps on your arms, the hairs on the back of your neck standing up, and the cold, crushing feeling of death all over you. Hey Chris, can you not hammer in the background? We're trying to do a horror movie. They just haunt you. They wanna kill you. Immaculate performance. Ghosts? I don't think so.

Come on, I'll show you my farmer team. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ghosts? I don't think so. Come on, I'll show you my farmer team. Hahaha! Ghosts? I don't think so. Come on, I'll show you my farmer team. This is why I love this film, because my mind... The abstract places my mind went. Where you're like, what's more practical in your protection against ghosts? A donkey or a scythe?

I don't... This is the best SAT question ever. I don't I know yeah more Practical a donkey or a side against ghosts. I love it I want to get like really high and ponder that for like a year like can I do some mushrooms and just Think about that question. Yeah, do a Terrence McNally dose in the desert Yeah, these people just output this like it's nothing to them. They just spit out these gems of weirdness and it's like, they don't even recognize it. I did end up going on a journey with this too, because I was like, why donkeys are they good protectors?

Just Lydia walking around a haunted house with a donkey. This is practical. Just give me a second. The donkey's not coming with me. Hold on. Types into Google, who would win in a fight a donkey or a ghost? No, but I ended up on CaliforniaPsychics.com. So, you know, a very reputable source. And donkeys are... That's left-wing psychics though. They are considered spirit slash totem animals. Not my words. California Psychics words. Yeah,

they say they have intuitive powers that keep them out of dangerous way. Well, spoilers for later in the movie, wow. Yeah, they can see into the spirit realm. Well, just saying maybe grandpa had some smart ideas. Had some points. Yeah. Maybe, do you think that's why the rights rescue them?

Is that they see like how many gay people were letting get married and they're like, we need the donkeys now more than ever. The ratio, yeah. Yeah. I don't think it's very practical still though. is that they see like how many gay people were letting get married and they're like, we need the donkeys now more than ever. The ratio, yeah. I don't think it's very practical still though. Like, okay, they can see into the spirit realm. So you have a donkey with you at all times and the donkey is just like, this is a demon.

Now what do you do? Hey, not for nothing. The grandpa died around copious donkeys. A donkey was like, there's a demon and he was like, I'm dead. So lots of donkeys. The donkey was like, there's a demon, and he was like, I'm dead, so. Lots of donkeys. Like 14. The grandpa had a painting of a donkey.

We did our part. He didn't listen. He had a wallet with photos of donkeys in it. Like he had a donkey shirt on. He had everything donkey and still got killed. What would you say you do here, donkeys? I'd let him know. I'm just a warning vessel.

Look, if you get an ADT for your house, you also have to call the cops, okay? Don't put this on me. This is impractical. You're impractical. Try a science next time. I will. Okay, so now it's time for more exposition, because it's another scene. And they literally open this scene by being like, hey, the said three seconds ago can we talk about that more and she's like yes your grandfather uncovered things on this property and I wrote in my notes as a joke do we have to wait until the next animal before you tell us what the fuck that means but they do that is what happens next in the movie. I love that they leave the last scene and then walk back into the same exact spot in the corner

to continue a conversation for this scene. The Wright family style is the best. They think you have to physically exit and physically enter every scene. It's the best. Yeah, no one's ever doing anything else when a scene starts. It's always like, hey, we are starting existence right now in this moment. If you have memento disease,

the right family films are made for you. Also, I know Abby probably works very hard. However, these are the stupidest instructions in the entire world. She's like, I'm gonna show you how to feed these donkeys. One scoop in the morning, one scoop at night. And that's it. Wow.

Wow. I feel like that could have been a text. Give me a second, I'm writing this down. I gotta memorize this. Also, it wasn't a whole scoop, so I'm just saying Abby's not even doing her job. She's starving the donkeys, yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Oh, they were too hungry to defend the grandpa. This is where Abby fills us in on the kind of information that only California psychics.com that donkeys are very spiritual animals and I immediately were picturing like the animals is all the friends of my wife that I hate they were like oh he's such a Libra okay donkeys So now they move to the next animal or as Heath have it in his notes. They leave and come back again For I think the third time yeah that they're doing that and they're like, okay So what do you do about the ghosts and she explains please correct me if I'm wrong here that she just kind of accepts the ghosts

As a shitty co-worker. Yeah, which is how I imagine everyone talks about me in podcasting. It's like, I don't know, I guess. Yeah, it gets very real for a second. Where they're like, wow, what do you do? She's like, well, unions aren't very strong in this country anymore. And OSHA doesn't listen to my complaints. So I just, I think I'll probably die one day. I don't know.

I'm going to just keep doing my job because I don't have health insurance. We've got this side. So yeah, I got, I mean, yeah, hopefully it doesn't like the side. Elections have consequences,'t know. I'm gonna just keep doing my job because I don't have health insurance. You got this size. So yeah, I got, I mean, yeah, hopefully that doesn't like the size. Elections have consequences, you know. I'm still supporting Trump though, because I think Trump's really gonna get things going. I just don't trust Kamala, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I'm literally dying of whiteness is what she's...

I'm dying of my own ignorance, yeah. She just starts to cut her own head off with the size. Ah! Oh my god, we're coming up with a... I blame trans children. own ignorance. Yeah. She just starts to cut her own head off with the scythe. Oh my god, we're coming up with a... I blame trans children. We're coming up to mine and Lydia's favorite. Second favorite. I don't know. It's hard. Small Books is close. These are the two things... Hey, Small Books. That we have been saying all day. Hey, Small Books. It's the best.

Take us there, Smiths. What happens next? So first we have Abby runs and attacks a rat with a scythe, which is the stupidest thing. But she doesn't because it's just dirty. They show the rat and it's just like a dead rat with some dirt on it. The rat was coincidentally killed by a cat and they're like, let's use this. Zero blood. It is very important that we clarify. The Wrights found a dead rat on their property and were like, we should put this in the movie.

We can use this, yeah. Wow, what a great film making. If you find a dead rat on your property and you think, hey, this should be part of my job, you should start your life over from the beginning. You should dress up as a baby and hope someone just raises you from the start again. That's my thought.

I feel like there's, you know, eight hours of cut scenes where Abby was trying to kill a live rat with a scythe and then they found this rat and they were like, oh my God. Cause they're sitting there eating their Krafty, AKA the pizza they were allowed to order as payment for this movie. Right. And they were like, hey, Jamie, you could kill a rat. Right. And she was like, sure could. I'm getting pretty good with this side. Four days later, they gave up like Quentin Tarantino and Django Unchained. Do you have any idea how hard it would be to kill a rat with a little hand? It's not the big like the Grim Reaper has either. Thomas, I know that. I know that.

It's amazing. But the Wright family? It's impractical. I'd rather try to kill a rat with a donkey. They call the exterminator. kill a rat with a donkey. They call the exterminator, could a rat have died without me? Yes! Exactly. Yeah.

So this is where Abby is going to give some more exposition to Dad this time. She explains that Grandpa found a human skull while he was digging the well. Okay. So, after that pointless scene that I forgot forgot about the so dumb where she hits nothing with her scythe and then whatever there now the girls have to debrief the dad and They discover they're here's why she's carrying the scythe the ghosts are afraid of it It's the yeah It was probably what they were murdered with because the scythe was found with the skull which is a fact that we hear

No fewer than seven more times in this movie because they forgot. Dad reads it in the journal. Yeah. That he found in the wall. Yeah. And they do two more scenes with Abby. An unusual tool also.

Grandpa doesn't even know what a scythe is. They do a scene later where they say it twice in the same scene because they forgot they already did it. They will say it over and over again throughout the rest of the movie. Yes. And so, but this is the first time and so this is the realization To Abby The scythe the thing she's always carrying around that's the tool she says it brings her protection from the ghost

That's why it brings her protection That's what killed the ghost she carries it around because it's afraid of it. That's what killed the ghost. She carries it around because it's afraid of it. That's the answer. We have to get that away from Abby. She doesn't live here. We do. If we had that here, it could buy us enough time to figure out how to get rid of this thing. She'll kill us if we try to get that from her. She will never put it down. You're right. That's all that poor girl has. We will never put it down. You're right. That's all that poor girl has. Hahahaha! Abby's just sleeping, making like cute snore noises, and they're trying to like slowly pull a scythe out from under the pillow.

But the turn on the dime from this guy, we need to get it. After all, we live here, not her. But it's all, but she will never get... You're right, it's all she has. We'll never get it. After all, we live here, not her. But it's all, but she will never get... You're right, it's all she has. We'll never get it. We'll never discuss it again. On a dime. It is so brilliant. Alright, new plan. New plan. We'll have to buy ourselves time some other way. That level of comedy, I could never think of it.

Yeah, like there's... They inadvertently create the funniest sequences of words and things It's amazing. I love the thing. This was a gift. Thank you. Thank you for having us on to watch this I enjoyed it so much my life is richer from having watched this film. Yeah, exactly. Yeah a rich in life Oh, and this is where dad explains that if a ghost is afraid of one thing aside Gotta be afraid of something else. But why would that be true? Yeah.

Also, never comes back and is not true in the movie. So do with that what you will. So one of the girls gets spooked by the ghost again. She hears some words. It doesn't really matter. The words didn't happen. Yeah, the words didn't happen. One thing though is that she walks out of this forest with zero motive, zero urgency, even though the motive is literally the line that she just said.

I have to show dad it's a clue. And then she kind of like crawls away. Like, yeah. It's very strange. But she did try to pull a great trick, which was she's like, I heard you. you said help me. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, okay, that's like if you do like,

no, I will not make out with you, ghost. Exactly. I heard you, you said I'm just a stupid fucking ghost. I should probably stop hunting us and crinkling trees. Ghost says what? Like see if it works. Yeah, it's worth a try. I don't know.

So she goes in to tell her dad that what just happened in the movie and the ghost has left her So when she gets spooked by the ghost she falls over and finds a message in the bottle from the ghost The ghost is like fuck these people are so stupid I got I think I'm gonna help him out a little bit with this whole haunting like it's too easy You know, like maybe I'll give them a hint. To be clear, you don't need to put messages in a bottle unless you are putting them in water. That's not just a place to put messages. I mean, I suppose it would weatherproof it no matter where you put it,

but it is odd that the ghost was like, Yeah, I mean, I don't want to put it in a Ziploc bag. That feels kind of anticlimactic. want to put it in a Ziploc bag that feels kind of anti-climactic. Tin foil? Message in a tin foil. He doesn't want to put plastic in the ground, you know, with microplastics leaching. Yeah, exactly. What is the... How does this fit with the lore of this movie is what I want to know. Like, what... Who put a message in a...

Okay, this used to be underwater. This entire place used to be an ocean. And there was Someone who put a message I don't know but we find out from that and crinkled paper Mrs. Edwards vanishes without a trace was the headline of the newspaper Mrs. Edward, okay sure and they will spend now and now they'll be like gosh I wonder who that is or if we could find out anything about her They have this weird scene where it feels like David lied about like, I know some people at the FBI and the kids are calling him out about it on camera.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, because they're like, you, dad, you had great experience in the military where you won three Purple Hearts and know everyone who's super cool and badass and can do everything. He's like, yeah, but I mean, they all, I retired and they retired with me. Everyone retired at the same time as I did. Everyone retired the same day I did.

They were like, we can't work here anymore without you. And they also left. We were on a Yik Yak together. And that's all that website should tell. Oh God. So now he does call his military buddy. I have an important question for you guys. This is the first of what I strongly believe in my heart is a series of AI that they had

do acting. I'm not even joking. I think they had voice. Eli, you're more familiar with this stuff. The chat bots that can do voice now, I'm pretty certain that's every single phone call. And it may have even been the first one. I don't know. But like this voice, it's expressionless.

It's completely lifeless. And in a way that's even noticeable relative to the rights. Like that's how bad. It's AI that was trained on the Wright family movie. On the Wright family movie. Yeah. And it just was like, I can't exist. Like somehow that's like hollowness squared.

I don't even know how to do that No, so I from from my previous exposure to the Wright family films. That's David Wright doing a voice No, I'm David Wright. There's no I'm playing this there's no jump on Amazon jump on Amazon Thomas. We have the answers Apparently the lady that my father bought the house from went missing. Give me the name All I have is the name Edwards. Do you have a social? Look, I wouldn't ask for help if it wasn't important. Give me until tonight.

I'll have something for you. That's just an AI. That's not a real person. Check it out. Get on Amazon. Lydia, I know you've already done the research on this. Oh no, not on this guy. It was because he's a donkey and rocks.

Okay, that one, the next one is an author... Okay. Oh, now it's changing! Each of their names is alliterative. I think it's a clue. Because that was Greg Gorham. Yeah, and then later the author that they call, which is even more a... I have to play that one, it's hilarious.

Murdo Morrison. Murdo Morrison. Are you telling me these are real people, Eli? Is that your theory? No, I'm telling you it's him doing a voice. Why? But no, it's AI. It's fucking AI. I know it. Why would they have him? Why would they put a different person in the cast? This is from the IMDB. I'm doing the thing you said. Murdo Morison.

You're saying Murdo Morison is a fake person they made up to cover their AI. Is an AI actor that they put... It may be the name of the AI personality. Okay, we'll get to it and play that one. And yeah, we'll see. We'll see what you think. Let me hear from Murdo. Yeah. Anyways, it's time for the girls to get scared again, because it's an odd numbered scene. This time they just get scared by the lights flicking on and off.

And the only reason I mentioned this is because the girl, like after that happens, flicks the lights on and off and it's identical to what has just happened. Yeah. And she doesn't go, Oh, I guess the ghost just flicked the lights on and off. By the way, he called his hotshot detective buddy and said, first name, essentially first name Mrs. last name Edwards. Yeah.

And he's like, give me an hour. Okay, sure. Yeah. first name Mrs. last name Edwards yeah and he's like give me an hour yeah and then he's got so then he's been referred to an author that we're to believe he's talking to yeah apparently and here I'm gonna play this AI definitely AI for you I found your phone number on my father's journal and your book in his library. Your father did reach out to me about some activity he was having. I gave him a list of things I thought would help him, but we were both coming up short on ideas.

It's crashing through walls. It's turning lights on and off. It's turning showers on. I've never experienced or heard of this powerful of an entity. The last time we spoke, I had him get rid of some potential trigger objects. I never heard from him again. That's because he recently died of a heart attack. We can explore the trigger object prospect again. No reaction. Okay, Thomas. I have done that to multiple people at atheist conventions though. Where someone's been like, my dad got eaten by bears last week and I've been like, yeah

man, so did you want a bumper sticker or not? I think I missed that entire thing because I was just looking at the fact that Chicka Chicka Boom Boom was up on the back. Oh yeah, that's a good one. Also Wacky Wednesday and The Lorax. Yeah, and The Lorax. I was surprised to see The Lorax. Yeah, how many kids was his grandpa har...

Yeah. Trafficking kids. Why is it there? The kids say they never saw their grandpa, but Chica Chica Boom Boom. Great book. More crimes uncovered anyway. Alright, so now it's time for some more ominous donkeys and they're going to get some more information from Abby

I really picked up on Abby saying that most of the time she's working and it leaves her alone so like the ghost is really into capitalism and You know profiting off of maybe the ghost podcast too much But then I take a bathroom break and it starts haunting me again. So I just start peeing in bottles Lydia does the ghost podcast too much? Is there something you want to tell the ghost? All right, so now it's time for dad to get a call from his military guy.

In spite of the fact that he had Mrs. Edwards as his only clue, he does in fact have information for him. From the FBI. Yeah, missing person case. We find out it's an FBI. Yeah. And fingerprint identification and Abby reported her missing. Okay, can we talk about the fingerprint identification because this guy has a huge poster for fingerprinting. Way bigger than the donkey painting. So I

feel like he really loves fingerprints. That like that's the indicator, right? How much you like something. I love how you say this guy. There is no guy. Oh yeah, it's just a wig. It's just a wall. Yeah, they just filmed a wall. Because it's David Wright in a wig.

I'm telling you people. It's such a bad wig too. But the camera focuses solely on the wall instead of whatever the scene's supposed to be because they know they don't have another person. Right. Right. And it might be him in a wig, sure. But like that, it's hilarious to me. They show like the FBI seal.

Oh, okay. So we must be in Mr. FBI's house or something. Like what are we talking about? Yeah, there might as well be an address plate outside that says the FBI, wherever they are, Virginia? I'm looking at the frame right now. It has three inches of gray hair that might be a wig and that's as much as you see of the person talking in the whole thing.

You just see walls. Okay, but the room doesn't own the fingerprinting poster. The guy does. No, but I know it's just that this is their way of making it look seem like they have another character when really it's just Murdo Morrison or whatever. Murdo Morrison, one of David's many aliases. Okay. Oh my, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Eli. This is breaking news. This is very important. Please.

I have frozen frame on the, I almost want to send you a screenshot. I've frozen frame on the FBI scene. And we were talking about how the stuff is on the walls just to make it seem like there's another character and there's not. They have gone to either, like you know those websites that will frame stuff for you, but it's super cheap and shitty looking? They have framed an internet printed picture that says UCR, Federal Bureau of Investigation, Uniform Crime Reporting. And they just like printed that as though someone who works at the FBI would like

Frame that and hang it on their wall like it's a picture like it's a fucking diploma Yeah, it is exactly like that. Then there's the fingerprint and then I noticed to the left still in frame is A poster with a horse on it Still in the fucking barn And enough Sure get out of the thing. I swear to God. There's like a fucking donkey poster. That's it just out of frame It's so good. God. I love these people. I love can you tell them I love them. I just hey, please Hey, they know

Hey Thomas, they know they listen to every word of the I can't promise you much. They listen to every word of these podcasts and they know that we love them. They also know it because they now have six hundred dollars for the picture which we need to find that they didn't have before a week before this podcast. So, yeah. OK, so now it's time to talk to Abby about her dark backstory. There's this great moment, right, where they're trying to set it up in the dialogue and the girls are like, do you want to know anything about us? And she's like, no.

And they're like, cool. All right. Do you have a dark backstory? And she does. Her mother didn't want her, so she dumped her in the foster care system. She found her grandmother. Yeah. And then her grandmother knew the guy who owned the farm grandpa, and that's how she ended up working here

This is inexplicable by the time we get to the end. I have to There's a hole in my brain where there's supposed to be anything about family so often I ask my wife like hey How am I related to this person? She'll explain like my own family. That's your son Like, hey, how am I related to this person? She'll explain like my own family tree. That's your son, Arlo. Exactly. And so I need at the end, I need Lydia to tell me the fucking unwrap the t- It gets weirder. Just flattening it. It does get in fact weirder. It does.

And one other thing I want to point out about this scene, because I loved it so much, she's doing this very heavy exposition, which will not matter to the movie at all. But while she does it, one of the donkeys noses in between them and is like, hey, are we expositing? I want to do something. My name's Greg. Hi. Oh, no, we're just doing her.

Okay, I guess you can cut the camera, Ned. Another donkey with like an FBI uniform walks in. Oh, sorry. Yeah, it was, it might have been earlier, but at some point my favorite bit of the donkey propaganda is the little girl says, Wow, people never show how donkeys really are. They're so cute. So cute and so worth wrestling.

Rescuing. Patreon.com slash donkey rescue. Opening arguments. Opening arguments.com. DonkeyRescue. Opening arguments. Opening arguments. Okay. Now, and I cannot explain this enough. You know how the lights have been flickering because of ghosts and the things have been broken because of ghosts? Now we're going to just have a scene that's a misunderstanding where he calls up the stairs.

He's like, girls, I'm going to turn the power out, but they're not listening because they're on their headphones. So they're like, uh-oh, do'm going to turn the power out, but they're not listening because they're on their headphones. So they're like, uh-oh, do you think that was the ghost? And then he turns the power back on and they're like, never mind, the power's back on. Here's the best part. He says, I'm going to cut the power. He goes and turns off the power and then leaves. And then sometime later, he turns it back on with no explanation for why he ever turned it off to begin. There's zero reason.

He carries like a fence at one point that doesn't involve the power. He says it as though this is a thing that you do from time to time. Oh, I'm just going to go down to the basement and cut the power to the house. I bet David Wright does that to prepare them for an EMP attack every so often. He's like, sorry, girls, EMP day. And they're like, oh, man. He's testing a Faraday cage about something Yeah, I guess or maybe we missed an AI phone call where they're like have you tried turning the house off and back on?

Reason electricity would be there even when I'm not turning it on There is no no explanation for this like they just did a I to cut the power. There is no, no explanation for this. Like they just did a, I'm cutting the power off. That's it. Does that happen to you from time to time? Thomas, you're the one who's supposed to be our source of poor things that happen on a farm. No!

Exactly. Sorry. You think this happened to me and Heath in Suburbia? Yeah. Did your dad just say I'm cutting the power? Or Lydia in the royal castle she's descended from relax this is nothing it's so incredible why do you that's absolutely correct that scene was absolutely nothing nothing happened there was no reason for it i think just david and ashley

couldn't get the kids off their ipads to do the movie that day so i think that means we all get a quick break for a little screen time. But first, let me give Act 3 the hard sell. Will we learn how to rebuke a demon correctly? Will it be very technical and rule based? Will it come from what appears to be an Ikea manual? Find out the answer to these questions more when we return for the Christian right conclusion of Hillock Haunting.

Hey Abby, can I talk to you for a second? Sure. What do you need? Hey, can you stop scraping your sickle against the wall for a second? Is it bothering you? Yes. Okay. Right, so my girl's mentioned you might know something about this ghost.

Hmm, what do you want to know? Um, all the pertinent information you have about the ghost? You don't want to ask me questions? Nope, no, it's not like a riddle situation. If you could just give me all the information you have about the ghost now. Feels like that would be a lot. Okay, well, I'm glad to hear it's a lot. But just sort of as a general rule, if you have demon information about the workplace, that's kind of, yeah, it's kind of a self-report situation like entirely.

Got it. Got it. So if I've been talking to the skull to make a bargain for your life... I would love to know about that, yes. Got it. Have you been talking to the skull? Yep. Great. Good to know. And we're back. When we left off, Dad replaced a fuse and... No, he didn't.

No, probably not. He did something. He just turned off the power and then turned it back on. That's all he did. Turned it back on. I love you trying to sanitize this insanity, but that's not what happened. I'm trying to help him out, but either way, a demon ran away foiled from something. And now we cut to Abby sitting at her evil altar in the woods with a skull and candles that she made

And I love this. She's trying to negotiate like a hostage deal with the demon Yeah, she's like look, I know you're scared of my super cool sickle So I'll bury my sickle if you leave this family alone. Huh? I wanted the demon to be like, I'm a... I don't make deals. I'm a demon. I just do what I want. You're breaking my balls, Abbey. You're breaking my balls. Yeah. Like the demon's actually a keen negotiator. Ooh. I don't know.

It costs... I've seen my friend over at the house down next to the next hill over. Two sickles. And then the guy, the idiot, the main dude, spies on her and trips on his way up. Oh, this was almost my best worst. Absolutely trips for no reason. It's so good. And I was like, oh, my brain, that's a logical person who's a human who's been in the world

and seen movies is like, ah, that's him tripping. The sound will give him away. Exactly. And then Abby will look over and say, hey, no, he just trips. Hey, is that the sound of crackling tripping by a human? No, he just trips, cut. Nothing, it didn't matter. The end.

And the wife was like, I'm keeping it in there. He has to pretend it's in the script that he like trips. So he has to act out tripping and it goes so badly that he really trips and hurts himself. That's what I was going to say. We get to watch him go from the bad fake trip to the real trip where he's like, oh help me Jesus. So now we get a scene where the girls are dressed like Rambo for some reason.

Well he takes the skull as though it doesn't matter. Oh yes, yes. He takes the skull and now we get the see where the girls are dressed like Rambo. And they do slam poetry about the ghosts into the dark. This is also where we get our only donkey warning, right? They're sitting there and the donkey goes like, Eeeh! And they're like, yeah, that's the...

Look behind you, yeah. That's the donkey alarm. I've been also really confused with the transitions between scenes. Oh, that's right, yeah. And like, daytime, nighttime, like, I can't keep track of any of it. It's nighttime all of a sudden now. Are they back in the basement at this point? I don't know.

Unclear. Dad's testing the Faraday cage again. We don't know if you ever turn the lights back on. One thing I've kept wanting to throw in somewhere was that it's been a mystery this whole movie why the 87 year old man died They're like he can't have just died of a heart attack He couldn't have just died of a heart attack as an 87 year old man There's no way and so I think in this scene they're like slaving away on a farm this explains it

You're like you didn't need to explain anything. He was a hundred years old. He died Yeah, but this is an Ashley Wright film my friends It's time for Ashley fucking Wright to step in. She's gonna be our Christian psychic. Yeah. And I will remind you that again, all of the Wright family films operate on two levels. One, it is a chance to order takeout.

Two, it is her and David's sexual role play. And the tension in the air is there. Oh my God, Eli, my note said, weirdest porno set up ever. Cause like I got that vibe. I really, really did. I was like, I feel like I need to leave. For sure.

You guys need a moment. I don't speak robot, so I'm not picking up on any of this quote unquote tension because. Listen to this quote. Disagree. Ever since my wife died. I've just been a loner How much do you charge and she says I don't charge people for a gift that was given to me for free Thank you Ashley yeah, we're gonna find out she's got that aloof sexual energy Right around chicken brown cow. Yeah. Yeah, he was really trying to do like I don't know

I'm gonna pay for this, brown cow. Yeah. Yeah. He was really trying to do like, I don't know how I'm going to pay for this weird Christian psychic reading. Yes! Yes! Exactly. He can't afford the psychic pizza. Which they did order. Yeah, they did order. This is all coming together. Yeah. So that skull that they use as a prop, they fucked the shit out of that skull right off the cuff. Oh, yeah. 100%.

That is a sticky prop. That had all its teeth before the shooting and did not at the end. The candles were actually a cover. They're like, oh, we'll just say it's white candle wax. Yeah. Exactly. Come everywhere. Yes, that is what I was saying.

Do you mean come? Yes, I meant come. Ejaculate? Yes. Come was the thing I was... You're welcome. Opening argument. All right, so the next morning Abby's doing her part.

She's digging a hole and putting the scythe inside. She buries the scythe in one inch of sand. Sand! Where's the sand coming from? Sand! It's like a kid's play box area and like a single rain is going to wash that right off. And Lydia, I'm not sure about this, but the size of the sand in terms of its coarseness is inappropriate to bury a sod. I agree. I 100% agree.

Lydia, based on your research, how was that sand doing in a commercial environment? Based on the terrain, there's no way that's the same kind of occurred naturally. So then she goes back to find the skull to tell him that she's done her part of the deal, but someone has taken it. Sorry, I've taken so long. Also, she's like coming back in the forest. She says, I'm coming. Sorry, it took me so long.

And I was like, same girl, getting old. I get it I had to dig nearly an inch of sand that took almost 13 seconds I like the idea but this implies that like in the past when she's done things for the skull She's gotten back and the demon that inhabits it has been snippy. Yeah Oh 20 minutes. Oh nice to see you. It's not Way slower here in the spirit realm. It's been a thousand years for me. That's cool. That's cool.

I was just talking to Satan. He's nicer than you. No big deal. Whatever. And then we get the example of the cuts that are so bad here that they literally cut it such that it looks like Abby is spying on herself. They show her walking through the forest and they quick cut to her crouching. So it's like, is she watching herself walk out? Who watches the watch?

Yeah. I know who stole the skull. It was me? What? Yeah. But then it's the girls and she sort of confronts, she's like, hey, did you guys find anything? And they're like, no. And she's like, just for the record, no stealing skulls. And they're like no and she's like just for the record no stealing skulls and they're like okay all right goodbye

so good all right so David is now gonna fix the hole that the ghost punched in the wall but what small books He finds another small book? I, all too, will reach into a wall of an old place while I'm repairing it without gloves. I'll just reach down in there. Just get in there, yeah. And this is where he finds his dad's secret wall journal. The secret wall journal. Somebody please explain how this got here.

Okay. So... Nope, you can't do it. It's impossible. He knew he was about to have a heart attack and put it in the wall. No, I think he hid it a long time ago. Yeah! Okay, but why? I don't know, because he's ashamed of having sex with... So he needs to keep the journal, but not get rid of it,

but also put it in a wall and then drywall over it. Well, I guess it's evidence that he knows a murder occurred and he did nothing about it. So then just throw it away. Don't write it, I think. Don't write it. Write it, then burn it. Don't write down your murders is a pretty good policy.

I'm not trying to like help out murderers here, but that seems- If I had a nickel. It's the move. Yeah. Don't not trying to like help out murderers here, but that seems... If I had a nickel. Just the move. Don't. So now David is filling Ashley the psychic in on the plot of the movie so far. She's telling him that the ghost is an old woman, which again, we already knew based on the rest of the movie, but he's really blown away by that.

He's like, how can you see her clothes? And I wrote in my notes, she's a psychic, but this is where she explains that he's a psychic shield. I wrote in my notes she's a psychic but this is where she explains that he's a psychic shield I wrote in my notes at this point this is nine-year-olds playing with Ghostbusters toys level of stupid I also love it though cuz it's so on brand cuz it's almost she's she's almost saying like you know how you aren't open to knowing anything about anyone else's thoughts or feelings and you just go about the light of the world as a man not caring about any of that stuff yeah you're a shield your You're a shield. Yeah. Okay.

You know how you're not generous about the skull sometimes also. My turn. Some people need more time with the skull than you, David. This is also where we get the first hint of Christianity. Yes, this is a Christian movie. It is. This is where she says, I'm not God. I don't know everything. Yeah.

This is also as he's like sharing this information, one of the most confusing things, right, from this journal that was in the wall that I don't think we talked about was that the old woman that he was in love with named Martha and Martha's daughter Abby, who he also loved. But not Abby that we know. We don't know that yet though, so it was terrifying. Yeah. Exactly.

So he loved Martha and Abby, and then he got Abby pregnant. He also liked to ABBA the band, but that's our name. So he also wrote, he's like, while I'm here writing a wall journal, I tell you what, there's not enough dark secrets to fill the whole wall journal, so I'm also gonna write some like casual stuff in there too. I don't think the Godfather movies are that good.

Everyone's always writing it. Oh shit. It was, I farted in the elevator the other day and I didn't tell anyone, but I mean, this goes in the wall too. I don't finish to gate porn, but I watch it. And yeah, and for us, Heath, you're right. Like we don't know, we don't know that it's a different Abby.

At this point, thank God it is. So confusing. So he's explaining it to Ashley in this scene. And he says, no, not this Abby, the other Abby. I know it's confusing. I know it's confusing. I love it when you do it with characters. I don't know why we named the characters the same.

Seems like we could have written it differently cut. Why did we do that? Okay, I think what happened was the wife obviously came up with this and he was not happy with this script direction. So yeah, I know it's confusing. But okay, so they're both named Abby. They're both named Abby and I actually it was my turn with the skull is also in the script now. Go fuck yourself. I think it's supposed to be a misdirect like maybe Abby's a ghost the whole time.

I don't know and then but the grampin' pregmated her. Yeah, the gramp, you have to explain. We're not even there yet, honey, but you do have to explain whatever this family dynamic is because it just got more confusing. But also, this is where we learn that the woman who made this movie, meth head Miley Cyrus.

Ashley Hayes, right? Yep. There's rules. We get like a T3B Eve, but for ghosts. Oh, yeah. Because she's like, the spirits have rules the the dad is like cannot believe that these spirits don't respect his property rights Yeah, but it's my property According to the Constitution I own this property and this ghost it's the funniest. Yeah dialogue. I was traveling

Yeah, she explains that like you took ownership of the evil land and that counts now as you are Dealing with the demon they 100% will try to sovereign citizen these ghosts later. It's amazing They actually will do that and we also get my favorite line of the movie where she's explaining all that and then she says Yeah, so the spirit realm operates on rules. Yeah, kinda I love she's like I went to spirit law school for like four years I know what I'm talking about don't argue me. I studied a lot to be able to do this job. Yeah So now they know so again what she clarifies in this scene after the rules is that there is an old lady ghost as we talked about, but there is also a demon. Yeah. Yeah. And the demon

is the one causing the trouble at night. Yeah. The ghost is honestly just giving us like clues as to the plot of the movie, but is also the one who killed the grandpa because the demon is an additional thing that has come Because she says someone has been talking to the dead and he's like no we We know this house my rules my house my rules We don't talk to like he's certain that no one here has talked to the dead But the trick is oh, but it's been Abby talking to the skull and so that addition the rules say the bylaws say that a dog can't and there's no rule that says a dog can't talk to you as well.

A demon can't haunt an old lady. Yeah if you talk to skulls long enough then a demon in addition to the ghost will come and they have a little turf battle over it yeah and and the demon is a turf actually. Yeah. And it would depend if that shrine happens inside the property line or outside the property line. Yeah. No, he literally says, everyone knows not to contact the dead. Yeah. I'm like, I didn't know.

I might have not known that. How little I know. Yeah. So now it's time for him to confront Abby about it. Right? Okay. small detail. He's wearing a non Camouflage t-shirt for the first time I've ever seen He's always a blue lives matter t-shirt everybody literally always wearing camo and an American flag on every piece of clothing

He ever has yeah, but this time there's no camo, but it's a t-shirt For a camo company called Realtree. Hell yeah! Yes. It's what he wears when he works in the office at the camo company. Formal. He wore it to their wedding. But this is where Abby gives it away.

The dad didn't turn into the skull. He kept it in the woods like a pet or something and would tell the skull he loved it. Yeah. I guess. I wrote in my notes, did you notice him ever putting a mouth guard on the skull? This is important. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Then we have another scene. Ghost flicks some lights, bothers the girls again. The next day, psychic Ashley, it's time to get down to Jesus business. There we go. Yeah, cause Ashley wants to know if he's Christian.

Because the only way to defeat the devil is with Jesus. Extra Jesus. So the whole point of this scene is that if you want to get rid of a demon, you can't just be normal Christian. You have to be all the way Christian. We got a pledge to our donkey Patreon. And you have to traumatize your child. Yeah.

Halfway through the scene, they're basically like, you can't be Christian enough. Your daughter's gonna do it. And so the next scene, she's preparing the daughter. And I just have to point out that she is like super duper reading from the script in this scene. Oh yeah. They do this scene. They're both looking for, or actually the mom can't look at the kid.

The mom is looking a different direction. Yeah. And it's like they're riding a bus or something like they're sitting next to each other She's looking a different direction. The kids actually making actual human contact a little bit and is doing the scene to the back of her head Yeah, but why but why because she's reading she's reading Like okay anti-demon flow chart if that doesn't work then then hold on And the point of this pep talk seems to be like you're not trapped in here with the ghost the ghost is trapped in here So now it's time to kick some demon gold fringe on the Sheet Some demon ass. Gold fringe on the sheet. There we go. Yes, exactly.

They are going to sovereign citizen this ghost out of here. Yeah. Not joking in the least. No. It makes sense why these idiots become sovereign citizens. They really think there's these weird rules about the ghosts and about the law. It's the same thing.

It's amazing. So apparently in this one, and actually in a lot of exorcism movies, the rule is you tell the demon the rules out loud, and then they're like, ah, fuck. You got me. The clause 18, subsection B, I do have to technically. You did get me.

The power of Christ does compel me now, God. Now, but yeah, she yells Jesus, you know, subsection B, and the- Who rules over all even you but yeah She's like I'm calling your manager. His name is Jesus Christ Yeah, but it still doesn't work and then she remembers and I swear to God. I'm not making this up. Oh my god Oh, yeah, I need to give him a time limit cuz he's our low and he needs transition heads up Like I'm gonna count to three, and then no more

demoning here. And she does like two and a half? He needs specificity. Yeah. She literally says, I have to give it a time. Give it a time limit. Yeah. I really wanted her to do the Miss Rachel thing I have to do for my son of five minutes left to haunt us. Exactly. Five minutes left to haunt us. Yeah. She does do that and she picks a minute, which I'm like, oh, okay, just pick a second. Why did you even do a minute?

Exactly. Seems weird. And then it works. She just had to gold fringe on the flag time limit and then the ghost put down the switch and ate its fucking dinner. Like we have all of it. Okay, Yuhan, now is your time because we get the big final scene. All right, put it all together.

Solve this puzzle for us. Yeah, where we find out this family tree. I have no fucking idea. Please God, tell me what happened here. Okay. First of all, Abby doesn't have any makeup all of a sudden. Yeah, all of a sudden. The makeup was part of the demon.

Yeah, apparently. Her outfit's totally different. She's wearing like flannel now. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, apparently, yeah. Her outfit's totally different. She's wearing like flannel now. Yeah, I don't know what's going on. They should have had scenes earlier in where people were like, oh nice makeup. She's like, what makeup? I know.

Yeah, yeah. Or it's like it's worse and worse and worse every scene. Yeah. So, Grandpa was a weirdo creep. And he was really into Martha and Martha's daughter Abby not our Abby different Abby a Woody Allen he was doing a Woody Allen doing a Woody Allen exactly exactly and he decided to he ended up getting Abby pregnant but like was in love with Martha okay Abby was not probably not into that. He was in love with Martha. So she killed

her mom, Martha gave birth to her daughter who she named Abby for some reason. And then Abby the one that we know was given up for adoption by Abby the murderer given up for adoption and she's sisters with David, which means that she's the girl's aunt. Yes. And her mom and the grandma are both gone. They're both dead. Did anyone understand that? Yeah, I got it. I agree with all that. That is the tree.

It's a Woody Allen, because I think we can all agree. And look, I'm going to say something brave here. I think we can agree that the monster of this movie turned out to be Anogamy. Am I right? Maybe Martha and Abby could have worked it out. something brave here. I think we can agree that the monster of this movie turned out to be... Anogamy. Am I right? Maybe Martha and Abby could have worked it out. But also, how do the ages work out? I don't understand how they... Not well, T-Dog. Not well. The 87-year-old dude, I get that you can make babies as a dude for a long time, but

how old were these women? Yeah, no, it's very uncomfortable. What was also uncomfortable for me was how long that hug was. Oh yeah, at the end they do like a... Most awkward, same note. They do a weird hug that's like, man, the body language is like it's a kiss, but it's a hug. Yeah. But for 30 seconds. Yeah.

And they don't move. And then she pulls out a side and she's like, look, I found a side. Yeah. And then cut. End of movie. she's like look I found a side And then cut end of movie I think they're setting up a sequel where like Abby's back as a demon all of a sudden. I believe in them They can do it. So lazy. Okay, so the demon that got rebuked in your head Does the demon just like poof out in a snit because like they got told the rules and then they're like in the demon realm being like Yeah counted to three I had to go again. I got fucked on that again Demon coffee like yeah, I know this happens the best of us. What about the ghosts though?

Did the ghosts also have to go or what? No ghosts is still there still there The ghost of ladies Martha is just hanging out It's just hanging there, but still like turning lights on and off and turning the ladies, Martha is just hanging out. Just hanging there. But still like turning lights on and off and turning the shower on. I guess. Maybe. We don't know.

We don't know. Messages in bottles, small books, just fucking around. Okay. I think we do need a sequel because we need to know what's gonna happen with Martha the ghost. Okay, well, great question. So it's a kind of a cliffhanger.

What do you think happened to Martha the ghost and what do you think happened with Abby grabbing that scythe? Was it just like, oh no, I just I still like this or is she a demon now? Wait, yeah. Does that mean she went to the child's sandbox she buried it in? I think it was supposed to be like a, I was evil all along twist. I believe that's what it's supposed to be. No. What? That's what it felt like.

I think so. Yeah. No's what it's supposed to be. No. What? That's what it felt like. I think so. Yeah. No. How? Explain that to me. Oh, yeah. No, I do not have a... There's no explanations to this. That's just what they wrote.

Evil the fuck time. Maybe. No, that's nothing. Hold on. Maybe we'll just play the last 10 seconds just to see. You know what? I got good news. Look what I found.

I remember where I buried the scythe. Yeah, see? Yeah. I remember where I buried the scythe. Yeah, it was under like four grains of sand. Right. How would you not remember where you buried it? I think she's evil. evil she was tricking him and she sounds like an old-timey gangster in the life that's awesome I don't I don't decide didn't create the problem the skull created the problem Ashley as a $300 patron, I would like to know why. Please. We'll check. What the meaning of this last thing was.

Alright, so I think the message is donkeys are magical, anti-demon beings, right? That's like the big theme here. And in need of rescue. Alright, we all agree on that. I think that's going to do it for our review of Hillock Haunting. But that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we found another terrible movie. Eli, what's on deck?

Well Heath, a family living in a home in Indiana discover strange demonic occurrences. They convince them and the community that the house is a portal to hell. We'll be watching The Deliverance. Okay, so decidedly not deliverance from 1972. That's probably best. No, no, I figured we would not do that one. Okay, well with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode 479 to a merciful close.

Huge thanks to Lydia and Thomas for joining us. So y'all got any cool projects going on? Anything you wanna announce? Not opening arguments, that's for sure. Well, we've been having a lot of fun breaking down season two of Things Fell Apart, Jon Ronson series and... Yeah. On Dubty Dub?

A lot of fun and also depressing. Yeah. On Where There's Woke. Yeah. Some awful, awful reporting done by somebody I previously respected, Jon Ronson. So if you want to hear that disappointment. And also have an existential crisis like Thomas. Yeah. Sure.

Where there's smoke. Perfect. And of course, a big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity. If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful. And that'll get you early access to an ad free version of every episode. And if you enjoyed the show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Skating Atheist, Citation Needed, Skeptocrat and and D&D-, available in all the podcast places.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodolphinMovies at gmail.com. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunkier life this week. For Lydia, Thomas, and Eli, I'm Heath. Promise to work hard to turn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the Animal House clothes. The donkeys, all 14 of them,

run away from the Wright Family Rescue because it's not worth it to be unpaid in these movies. Unrescue us now. We can start a donkey rescue rescue double. Donkey rescue rescue double. Donkey Rescue rescue! Ashley Wright went on to win best director at the 2024 world premiere Los Angeles Film Festival according to something written on the YouTube file where I was watching this. What?

Yeah. Also, one of the kids won best teen actor for this movie as well. If you want to Google that film festival, you can't. I tried. It doesn't exist anywhere on the internet. Yeah. They haven't gotten to the internet yet. Rollaround Donkey needs an Instagram so I can send him to Heath on an hourly basis. I actually support that one.

The Hillock family tree did some major crinkling. Still in the closet. I am. Yeah, we went back and forth and then I made the closet slightly better for her. I'll tell you what, how about instead of having a room, I move this coat. Huh? You lucky duck. I have foam on the walls now.

So now I can be locked in here. Locks from the outside. Yeah, I was going to say, if I'm good. If she does a good recording, she comes out. Put the mic on in the basket. She doesn't, we put Arlo in there with her. Oh, man.