God Awful Movies - 482: David vs. Goliath: Battle of Faith

Episode Date: November 12, 2024

This week, Marsh and Cecil join us for an atheist review of David vs Goliath: Battle of Faith, the movie that asks "what if the story of David and Goliath was repackaged as an action movie that was repackaged as an ad for a monster truck rally?" === Check out more from Marsh on Be Reasonable and Skeptics with a K Check out more from Cecil on Cognitive Dissonance, Lawful Assembly, and Season Liberally Come see us live in Nashville! https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-nashville-tennessee-tickets-997264413707 If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/

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BetMGM.com for terms and conditions. Must be 19 years of age or older to wager. Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have any questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. Bet MGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Mario. swing his sword, it's very clear that his hip is meant to be this guy's shoulder. That's how tall he's meant to be on his box. But I look at the actor up and the actor's like 6'5", which, like, that's tall, but it's not tall enough to base your entire personality around. See? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie!

Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie!

Movie! Movie! Here's the first, both Eli and Heath are off this week. Can't imagine why anybody might need a little time off here. But joining me from one ocean to my right is my good friend and co-host of Skeptics with a K, Michael Marshall. Marsh, welcome back. Hey Noah. You know, it's not that big an ocean. It's very commutable if you want to relocate. For any reason.

You've seen the sights of Liverpool. I can find you a nice property you can settle down. Little statues of the Beatles and everything. Yeah. And also joining us from One Pizza Echelon to New York's Down is my other good friend and co-host of Cognitive Dissonance, Cecil Something Italian. Cecil, great to have you back sir. Hey, thanks for having me.

Marsh, is your couch available? Yeah, how much of an offer is that? Rents are very reasonable. I'll be very, very kind to you. So tell us Cecil, other than the rent on Marcia's couch, what will we be breaking down today? Today we're going to be breaking down the ripped ab, factorial laden, David versus Goliath battle of faith. This is the gayest retelling of David.

And in the story, David's gay. That's the thing. David fucks dudes in the story and this is gay. Yeah. Yeah. And Marsh, how bad was this movie? Well, I mean, it's not the worst thing to happen to us this week. There have been worse things.

But if you're willing to listen to religious propaganda as long as it's delivered by attractive people, and like you can't find any Mormons nearby to fulfill that need, you will love this movie. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah. I'm going to go with best worst army on a hill. Oh my God. Because there is a scene towards the end where the director has an army on the hill and to

achieve that army, he didn't hire a lot of extras. I think he hired like one graphic designer on Fiverr and just put in the prompt, I need someone to CGI an army onto this hill. So good. And he just accepted the first response that he got. And the tiny little drawings, they stood side by side on the very crest of the hill. There's no depth to it so that they all lined up at the very top of the hill. They're all evenly spaced apart.

They're all moving in sort of like animated unison loops. Right. And they're all like on the treetops at a certain point, right? They're standing along the treetops. They look like the crowd in like any sort of 90s Mega Drive Genesis football game. They're just like animated in that kind of way. They're like the crowd in Road Rash or something along that line. Exactly.

Hand up, hand down, hand up, hand down. Alright, so I was going to go with best worst cornucopia of best worst nominees. My god. So as I'm watching the movie, I'll go back in my notes and I'm like, oh, this will be a good best worst cornucopia of best worst nominees. My God. So as I'm watching the movie, I'll go back in my notes. I'm like, oh, this will be a good best worst. I'll add that. And then like I would get a little further in the movie. I go, actually, no, this is a bad, better one. Let me go back and put this one in. And like, oh, I did that like seven times.

Best worst sheep, band of brothers, rock, best worst rock, best weak points that never matter. Best worst fore? Best worst... Weak points that never matter? Best worst foreshadowing? I had choice paralysis for best worsts with this movie. It's great. Good. Excellent pick, Noah. Thank you.

But I'm going to say, best worst practice swords. They look like someone... They look like they went to a woodcarver and be like, look, all we have are these leftover baguettes. What can you do with these? They were the thickest, weirdest practice swords I've ever seen in my entire life. They seriously look like they were made by a preschooler and they're the best prop in this movie. Yeah, they're great. They look a bit like someone couldn't find anything that looked like a sword,

so they just found some old cricket bats and dyed them, like stained them with tea to make them look all tiny. I really did! I really did! I was so happy that we had you on when I saw how much sword fighting there was going to be in this fucking movie. I was so mad throughout the whole movie because of it! Wait, are you saying Cecil that going for the armpit isn't a valid sword fighting technique?

You gotta tickle him. It really fits into this movie too. The tickling really does. Deeply into this movie. Alright, well I'll tell you what. This movie, I'm just gonna say it, is a fucking delight. So we're not gonna make you wait long for it. We're gonna keep the break brief. And when we come back, we'll dive into all the perpetual exterior shots that are...

David and Goliath. Battle of Faith. Okay, what do you think of this one? Well, I mean, unless he takes up chess boxing, I don't know what he'd do with it. No, that's fair. Hey guys, what are you doing? Oh, I'm just helping Noah pick out a birthday gift for Eli. Oh, but Noah, Eli's birthday's in September. You missed it by over a month.

Not that birthday, actually. It's the one before that. And then once I get that taken care of, I just have last Christmas, last birthday, and then this Christmas, I guess, now to worry about. Why are you so far behind? Because I'm always trying to find the perfect gift, but all the stuff I find online is just the same old junk. Well, why don't you try Uncommon Goods?

Is that like a code for drugs? No, no. Uncommon Goods is an online shopping site where you can find gifts that spark joy, wonder, delight, and that it's exactly what I wanted feeling. So spark something uncommon this holiday with just the right gift from uncommon goods. And spark for last birthday too, huh? Yeah, it just doesn't have that in the must reads. And the best part is that when you shop at Uncommon Goods, you're supporting artists

and small independent businesses. Many of their handcrafted products are made in small batches. So chop now before they sell out this holiday season. Wow. Great gifts that I can feel great about. Even better with our discount code, you can get 15% off your next gift. Plus with every purchase you make with Uncommon Goods, they give back one dollar to a nonprofit-profit partner of your choice.

They've donated more than $3 million to date. I'm sold, Cecil. Hit me with that discount code. To get 15% off your next gift, go to uncommongoods.com slash awful. That's uncommongoods.com slash awful for 15% off. Don't miss out on this limited time offer. Uncommon Goods, we're all out of ordinary. Sounds great. So hey, why are you picking out a gift for Eli instead of Heath for this particular sketch?

Oh yeah, no it had to be implausible that the recipient would actually get into chest boxing. Makes sense. Is that a real thing? I dare you to Google it. Alright guys, welcome to the first ever Writers Room Meeting for our new biblical epic based on the story of King David. Oh really, King David? Oh my god, I'm so excited.

Really, Chad? Because you normally hate doing biblical epics. Oh yeah, sure, but that's because we're usually stuck doing a boring story that's only got two paragraphs of source material, like Noah's Ark or the crucifixion or something. But David's actually a genuinely complex and interesting character, and his Ark genuinely might be the most cinematic in the whole of the Bible. It's great. Oh, awesome. Well, I've got got to admit I'm not super familiar with the story so tell us like what kind of stuff does he do? Okay well he's got one of the

Bible's most compelling love stories easily. Really? Great. Who's the love interest? It's Saul's son Jonathan. His son? Yeah. So I don't think that the Christian producers are gonna let us do that part. Oh, okay. That's a shame. Oh, oh, well, he does have other love interests. That is great to hear. Like who? Well, there's Jonathan's dad, Saul. That is not better, turns out. Okay, well, there's Bathshe well, is Bathsheba a lady? Sure is. Okay, great. We'll just go with that one then. Awesome. Yeah, no, he spies on her

while she's bathing and then he rapes her and then he has her husband killed in like a brutal act of betrayal. Maybe, hey, maybe we just leave the love interest stuff out altogether. Oh that's a great idea man. That's a great idea. Yeah man, doesn't he fight a giant with his slingshot or something? Oh there you go. I mean sure but you know there's only like two paragraphs of source material on that. Hmm. What if we filled the rest of the movie with training montages?

Really? I mean that would take, man, like five or six training montages. What do we always say here at Gam Fodder Productions? There can never be too many training montages. There can never be too many training montages. Exactly awesome. Now who wants a drink? Yeah, I'll have three.

And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up on a production logo that might as well dive roll into frame. Right? It looks like we're about to play a first person shooter when we see this. It's so cheap. It's incredible. From about to play a first person shooter when we see this. It's so cheap. It's incredible. From 2001. Well, right.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And it comes up the title card goes like, oh, this is actually despite what the logo would have you believe this is a Bible movie that we're about to do. Yeah. It's like a fake story about a fairy tale, but it's totally realistic. I just want to let you know. Yeah. totally realistic. I just want to let you know. Yeah.

Hyper realistic. It says, artistic and historical license has been taken. What do you think? Yeah. Yeah. We've elaborated on this story of a thing that never happened. And I think it also says like a thousand years before Jesus. Oh, so it's a thousand years before that other thing that never happened.

I'm glad you've set this like firmly into the historical record. I also, I want to put a pin in this right away because it says like at the end of the title card it goes, we encourage viewers to read more about David in first Samuel 16 and 17. And I'm like, yeah, not the stuff after that at all. You don't have to read the whole damn thing. Just those chapters will be fine. Yeah.

We very clearly delineated the chapters we want you to read. Thank you very much. Yes. And then it comes up in the title comes up like David versus Goliath, Battle of Faith. And it rolls in like a fucking monster truck showdown or something. A monster truck showdown in Papyrus font. Yes. Like a hundred percent Papyrus font.

Exactly. Yeah. So the narrator cuts in doing his very serious voice and he goes, the people chose Saul as the king, but God was like, oh fuck all that. And I'm like, why was God like that? And they're like, moving on, God didn't like him anymore. And I think isn't the line he says, like God said, how long would you mourn for him? Which is a sort of passive aggressive question. It's like when my wife does the, just checking, would you be mad if that old t-shirt of yours got thrown out? Just checking how mad you'd be.

But he says that God decided there would be a new king. So Samuel went in search of a king that was more to God's liking. So we cut to Samuel wandering in the desert. He is doing a lot of searching right now. And he will do it for a very long time. So I like one twenty fifth of this movie is Samuel walking in the desert at the beginning of this scene. Yes. I did the math.

And the desert as well. This is the desert that I think about 80% of this whole movie is filmed at. This is the location for almost every. It's like in Star Trek, how in the original series, every alien planet was the same one with a cave and a boulder. It's like that for this movie. That's it. Yeah.

So yeah. And also, we have to talk about Samuel's fucking hooded wool sweater. It's like a really bobbly woolen fabric as well. That is not desert worthy. Like the sun is getting all in there. You're way too hot. He and his friends will have a solution to getting way too hot in the desert. Yeah.

It won't involve this woolen sweater. They sure will. Yeah, they sure will. I've got this grease in my back pocket for you all. I just want to lather you up. So yeah, so, but he comes to this like outcropping at the top of a mountain, right? Where he prays. The way he's doing this as well. So I just got to point out the way he's dressed, the

way he's doing this through, he could not be more trying to rip off Obi-Wan Kenobi. Oh, yes. Totally Obi-Wan Kenobi. I had him in my notes as Obi-Wan Kenobody. Is what I had in my notes. Yeah. I love it. I want him to say that the Pharisees are easily startled, but they're a few who have actually greater number.

They get to that wrong part of the book of David and he's like, this is not the book you're looking for. You're not looking for the gay parts of this book. So then, so he gets up to this precipice, he gandoffs the rock with his staff. He's praying, right? But it's like God shall not pass or whatever. Yeah. He does. The use of his staff. He uses the staff to try and climb up the rock to get

to that point. And I've never seen anybody use the staff as a walking aid less effectively. It's like he's trying to use a pole vault as a walking stick the entire time. He looks like a gondoli, a ran aground. That's what he looks like. So yeah, and then he's like, he's talking to God. He's like, he slams down his stick. And by the way, this is the first time we see the kind of CGI we can expect out of this movie, right? The rocks fly up. Yeah. And they're totally like electronic rocks and a little spark for some reason.

You're like, why is there a spark? I didn't even know what could spark. It's a wooden stick. Yeah. And did he really have to walk to there to talk to God? God is meant to be omnipresent. Like, has he not heard of remote working? This is 2024. This is a meeting that could have been a Zoom call,

is what this is. In their defense, there is probably bad reception in the desert. And when he does talk to God, it's a series of lightning flashes. And I think they just needed to be closer for that thunderbolt connection in order for them to actually- Yeah, because the mountain is closer to heaven.

Right, when you're on the mountain, you're way high up and heaven is high up. Too high. Yeah. So yeah, he goes, who have you chosen, God? And there's lightning as the response. And he goes, I will find him and anoint him So I want the rest of the movie to be this character walk into different towns going like hey have you guys ever heard of a

guy named I believe his last name is He just takes a big piece of vellum like those old guys who did the fully for lightning and he's just shaking it Like those old guys who did the Foley for lightning and he's just shaking it. Have you heard of this guy? God is speaking exclusively in lightning strikes. That's got to be so inconvenient. Yes! Something just got struck by lightning just so God could say one word.

Alright, so the narrator's like, so then he went and he looked for a king. Meanwhile, there's this dude David and he's just a simple shepherd. Well he's a a very good shepherd. He's apparently he's very very good at being a shepherd and I wrote like yeah He's good at managing a shepherding business. Presumably he'll do fine as a leader. This is how you end up with a Trump people They're not transferable now now sad again, damn it. Yeah way to bring it down Marsh Here's the thing though, I love this so much because this is an action movie This is trying to be an action movie and they're like, okay, we have to introduce a shepherd in an actiony way So So we do so we come he comes across the entrails of one of his sheep and he looks down at him

He's like I will avenge you, Bobby. Right? And then he's at those entrails. He looks up, he can see some other entrails and he just follows like a trail of entrails, like a cartoon character. Yes. And I want him to like, he walks up to a rock and behind the rock I really wanted that to be like a box propped up with a stick on a string that they were trying to sort of trap

him with. He's also, there's like big gigantic patches of blood that are on the ground that clearly go off into the distance, right? So you can, while he's standing there, these patches go off over into the horizon. Like something is, like somebody killed the, like a whole herd of sheep. They're just a giant line of blood. And he stands down and touches the blood for some reason. What are you doing down there? You could literally just use your eyes to see where it goes. Yes. He's like smelling it. Like what the fuck is happening with you? Yes, smells like sheep blood to me. Must be what I'm looking for. So then

we see the bad guy that took his sheep, which means that we see the first nominee for my best worst, right? The first thing, best worst sheep. Oh, yeah. The sheep is incredible. My sister had a more realistic looking stuffed sheep when she was a kid. You won this sheep with the ring toss at the carnival. 100%. So he sees this bad guy with his sheep and he goes to shoot him ring toss at the carnival. So he sees this bad guy with his sheep and he goes to shoot him with a fucking Dennis

the Menace slingshot. He does. With vulcanized rubber and everything. Yeah, it's amazing. It's so good. I got so excited because I was like, oh my God, do they not know what a biblical sling is? Is he going to kill?

But they do, right? Eventually he'll have a regular, like a period accurate sling shot. So it really feels like they filmed this scene and somebody was says to the filmmaker afterwards, like, you know, that's not the kind of sling shot that David used. Right. And he's like, yes, I did know that for a different part of my life. My brother's tactical slingshot. Thank you very much.

Also, I do want to point out that he's encountered some random bandits. They are random bandits from Skyrim. These are Skyrim bad guys. Like a random encounter. Because at one point they knock him out for a little bit. They choke him and he goes all blurry and passes out. And then they start going through his body. And I was like, yeah, you're looting the body. That's smart.

You're going to find like a healing potion and some petty soul gems. Yeah. They knock him out with a sleeper hold, but only for a second. He wakes up and it's time for an action scrap. God, it takes so long too. It's the longest fight scene. It's kind of brutal. Yeah. At certain points, people are getting twisted around. My favorite part of the whole thing is, you know, weight classes exist for a reason. These guys are 12 inches taller than this guy. They've got a hundred pounds on him. They are throwing this little actor around like a rag doll, but he's somehow, he's really scrappy. So he's getting the punches in.

But my favorite part of the whole thing is one of the guys goes to stab him and he Dodges and the guy stabs his own leg. Yes. Yeah. Well my favorite part of this fight happens at the very fucking beginning because the guy pulls out a knife and Immediately David, I shit you not, gets inside his guard and then uses wrist control. His wrist control, It's so good. I felt like I was cheating on Eli by watching this movie. I literally messaged him. I'm like, man, you should watch this movie, though.

Whether it's for work or not. At one point, one of the bandits pulls out that knife and then uses it as a bludgeoning weapon to hit him on the head with. This is why you should play your character right in Skyrim. You know, you've got, you've picked the wrong character. You've got the wrong weapon expertise there. You should obviously plan better. Come on.

Well, I wrote my notes, man, if this guy ever learns that knives can slice and stab, he'll be dangerous, right? They also clearly had a choreographer from like the WWE because there's a lot, there's a drop kick, there's a clothesline. I was surprised I didn't see a steel chair, but if I would have given them a little longer, they might have grabbed it. Right, right. That's on the cutting room floor somewhere.

But ultimately David, the one guy stabs himself in the leg, David chokes the other guy out with his staff. He does. Calianto. 100%. I did write the bandit guy chalks on David's Rod, yes. Yeah, right. So yeah, this is some of the best getting choked out by an extra I've ever fucking seen.

Oh yeah. That dude won an Oscar. 100%. So, but then, so he beats the two guys and then he cries over his lost stuffed sheep and he carries it away. And this must, like he's really upset, like as a shepherd, you've got lots of sheep. It's bad when you lose a sheep, but like you've got lots of sheep. There's plenty more where the sheep came from. So this must have been his favorite sheep.

Like I figured it was like the dog in John Wick and then the rest of the film is going to be him finding more bandits to kill over these sheep. Alright, alright. So then, okay So, but then the narrator's like, Meanwhile, with Saul. And okay, this is maybe some of the dumbest filmmaking in the whole movie, right? Because the narrator comes in and he's like, so Samuel asked David's dad to see all his sons because he was pretty sure one of them was going to be the king. But then they showed him all the sons except David and none of them was kingly enough. And I wrote in my notes, Oh, I wonder if they didn't show us this because they couldn't do an indoor shot and make it look period

realistic or because they didn't have enough actors to play all of the brothers. But no, they did this because they're so bad at filmmaking they didn't know not to because we're going to see all this happen then. Yeah. Right. We're going to live through this after he narrates it. Yeah. It's so weird. It's so bad.

And it is a bit weird that David's dad offered his sons and didn't include one of his sons. Is this like a Cinderella evil stepmom kind of deal? It is though. Yeah. The God's glass slippers only going to fit David. That kind of thing. Right. So yeah. So we watched David gently stroke a ram. Sure. While just

staring because David, he makes it look like the job of a shepherd is to watch the sheep in that you stand three feet away from the sheep and stare at them. I can't watch them from over there. I got to stand right in the middle of this entire herd the whole time. So but then he sees all of his brothers walking by in their very best bed bath and beyond blankets. Oh my God. Who's the stripey guy? There's a guy who is in full black and white stripes.

He looks like someone let Beetlejuice be a shepherd. The stripes honestly, I'm a Newcastle United fan. The stripes look exactly like the 2003 Newcastle Home kit. It's exactly the kit that he's wearing. It's amazing. I expect him to have like Michael Owen number 10 on the back and then to let me down badly. That's what I thought was going to happen. So yeah, so he comes up and he's like, hey guys, why are we all wearing the nice stuff?

And they're like, fuck off. You can't play any reindeer games. Fuck you, you little shit, get lost! Yes. The oldest brother comes and he goes, hey shut up I get all the inheritance and you get nothing and we all hate you. It would have been better if he had walked up and knocked the dead sheep out of his hands like he's dumping his books and then like giving him a wedgie it would have been amazing. So and and I'm like, oh, I bet we'll see these brothers get there, come up and slay it.

And we won't. We'll never see any of these characters again. Also, one of these dudes, 100% I don't know if this is another reference to the office, but if you've seen the office and you've seen Michael Scott trying to survive in the woods where he cuts his pant legs off and wraps around his head, I swear to you, that is what this guy looks like. He looks like Michael Scott pretending to be survivor man for a day in the woods. It is amazing. The outfits on these five brothers are just they are perfect.

Also, I want to point out to one of my favorite details in their outfits is that one of the guys has his face covered, hoping that you're not going to recognize him later in the fucking movie. They keep doing that. I almost had that down at one point because one of the guys has his face covered hoping that you're not going to recognize him later in the fucking movie. Because he's one of the trainers. They keep doing that. I almost had that down at one point. Because one of the bandits at one point, like that he's just fought and killed. We never see his face. His hair is always across his face.

You couldn't, you didn't have another bandit money. Okay. So then we cut to him practicing. This is where we introduce his more biblically accurate sling. I was so disappointed when I saw it, but he's practicing with his sling. He's not very good, but then he prays and he nails it. Right. Yeah, he is the most and we're going to discuss this throughout. But my God, what a awful monotone actor.

I've never seen someone a moat less like everybody else in this movie is kind of over the top and not really good because of it He's under the top by a lot like real a lot No, like he speaks in like seven syllable packets right like He just does that over and over again through the whole fucking movie. It's like an acting modem. Yeah. So yeah, so he's practicing with his sling and then all of a sudden Sammy Wan Kenobi shows up and he's like, could you do that in a battle?

And he goes, well, maybe in Act 3. I don't know. Who are you? Their outfits are the best because both of them are wearing Velcro sandals. The sandals are 100% modern. And why do they do this in all these movies? Like, for some reason, they always depict people in like tunics, but there's never a hem.

It's always just like, yeah, I cut this out of a bed sheet last night. That's all I can. That's the best that we can do. That is craftsmanship for back then. 100%. Like we didn't discover hems yet. We just haven't invented hem technology. Twofold you say. No, no, no. So yeah, so he starts telling Samuel how bad his life is with all the fucking inflection of a guy reading a warranty out loud, you

know? You're not wrong. At one point he flubs a line and he just starts over and I'm like, oh my God, this movie is less studiously edited than our podcast. Yes. Yeah. It's brilliant. It's amazing.

He complains about how he's not allowed to sleep under his dad's roof anymore. I haven't slept on my dad's roof in years. And it's like, he's saying that's because he's a shepherd, but it's also because he's 32. I mean, stop living with your parents. Come on, get your own place. Come on. Yeah. And at one point the guy's like, you don't have a woman? He's like, yeah, but I got my sheep. I don't know. He does say that. Yeah. And Samuel's just like, hey, you know, women will find you more attractive if you have a purpose. And I'm just like, dude, that's pretty fucking low.

I mean, why you got to be like that? And then he's like, bitches love purposes. Yeah. Well, he says he's like, you don't have a girlfriend, do you? He's like, no, I smell like sheep. And I'm like, yeah, no, that'll do it. Yeah, that's going to be a hindrance for sure. And then I didn't expect him to get into this.

David's like, hey, Samuel, are you the one that fought the Amalekites? And he goes, fought them? I genocided them. Yeah, I wanted him to say the Amalekites. Now that's a name I haven't heard in a long time. Oh, fuck. So, so yeah, he's like, he takes out his badass genocidal sword to show it off Fantasy sword somebody bought online

Dollars all this entire movie was it was an excuse for them to buy that cool sword though right in that cool Yeah, and only one copy of it because they do not have a second good soul. No No, so and he's like hey, you know, tell me about what it was like to only one copy of it because they do not have a second good soul. No. No. So, and he's like, hey, you know, tell me about what it was like to massacre and genocide the Amalekites. He's like, well, you know, the king was told by God to genocide them all the way and the king showed mercy on, you know, their leaders and he took some of their animals and didn't kill the animals.

And so God started to hate him because of that. He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he,

he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, are the movie's hero and he's like how am I here he's like because God has chose you as his usurper I mean King and we're gonna do our best to cut all that gay stuff out of this and we're gonna fail King Saul until we're like nine minutes from the end of the fucking movie we're still gonna fail yeah so then the fucking movie. We're still going to fail. Yeah. So then the fucking narrator comes in and he yada yada yada is his way through a bunch of way more interesting sounding stuff. Right. It's like, it's like there's a war broke out between the Philistines and the Israelites.

And I'm like, Oh, I wish I hope we get to see they say, Nope, Nope. Instead, we're going to spend almost the entire rest of the movie now with David at this weird fucking inefficient basic training. On the same rocks and sand that we saw his profit on just earlier. The same set that we've got for the entire fucking film. Yeah. Amazing. It's the tiniest, most embarrassing militia you've ever seen in your life.

It's so tiny. And okay, so we've already talked a little bit about the Sandals, but I love this here because like, so there's like these three shirtless guys who are all going to train David now. Well, four, because I guess Samuel is going to be shirtless from here on out too. But at the very beginning, we see them like running, like he's like chasing one of the shirtless guys. And neither of these actors has ever run in sandals before.

No, no, that's very true. And there's a bit of a trick to that. Yeah, their arms are doing a lot of work. They are doing a lot of work. They look like they're ready to fall down the entire time they're running. They look like they're leaning way too far forward. It's kind of amazing. And it starts getting weird that David is the only non-topless guy in any of these scenes.

I shouldn't start to feel that's weird, but everyone else is so topless, it becomes strange that he's allowed to wear a shirt. He's keeping his shirt on in the pool for the whole time. Yeah, he is. He's Heathen writing. Which, I get it, these other guys are really shredded. I get it. It's intimidating, for sure.

Yeah, so we should point out that this is the first time that we were, any of us were like, Oh, so this is stuff for gay Christians who haven't admitted it to Spank2. Right? Yep. Yep. Yeah, man, they're all 100%. As soon as I saw it, I was like, Oh my God, these guys wore 100% dehydrated pack machines. This is for closeted dudes. Well, and just as we're thinking that, Samuel's like, now we practice wrestling. I'm like, oh, yes, sir, we do.

Fuck yes, we practice wrestling. He's like, you have to, before you use weapons, you have to learn to fight with your bare hands. And I'm like, oh, damn it. And it's so mad. Like one of the guys, the guy he was, like as they're running here, I wasn't sure that David was chasing this guy or being chased by this guy. I think it's so mad, like one of the guys, the guy who's, as they're running here, I wasn't sure that David was chasing this guy or being chased by this guy. I think it's like a race or something. The guy he's chasing, the incredibly shredded guy, he's wearing trousers, like David gets a little skirt, Samuel gets a little skirt. This guy's in trousers, but he is topless.

His trousers are only held up by the tensile strength of the top of his penis. Like they are so low down that you can see that even though this is the Bronze Age, this guy clearly takes good care of his personal hygiene. He is completely hairless. Yeah, absolutely. Narrowing himself in the desert every night. Yeah, you see the bottom of the obliques. Yeah, right, right.

Yeah, and now what's up with their pants? They look like they're from the Road Warriors. They had on like a bunch of tie on stuff all up and down. Like, what the fuck was that? OK, so my my theory is that they had like skirts for all of them the way that David's wearing. And when these three guys showed up, they were all like, I'm not wearing a fucking skirt. And they're like, well, we can't afford period realistic pants. So we just sew some shit, sew all the shit together,

and then that'll be pants. That's fine. Yeah, just sew some of this fake sheep onto my jeans. And that'll just about cover it. Yeah. My other favorite part of this training montage is they're in this area that they're going to be in for the whole movie. There's like a very specific rock outcropping that they're sort of around the whole time

where they set the cameras on the tripod and left them there overnight. And you can tell that they're going to fight because they've dumped some soft sand in one tiny little pile. In a square. It's a square of soft sand. And the rest of it's a totally different color. Like a hundred percent. And the only stuff that they fall on is the really soft shit.

I saw that and I didn't know why that was because it's so small. It's such a small square. But I thought, is that the ring? Have they marked out the ring in chalk? Because that's a really small ring. But then you want these guys really close together very clearly for whatever you think you're filming. Well, but no, but that's exactly it.

Because they clearly they did this for a second and they were like, oh, real sad. When you fall on it like shit, that shit is nobody raked that shit. That shit hurts. Yeah, those are just tiny little rocks right there. Fuck. So yeah. And also if we're going to because we're going to have this wrestling scene right where this one one of the three shirtless guys is just going to knock him out over and over again.

Like if we were going to have a David doesn't know how to fight yet scene, why open with a proving scene where he kicks the shit out of two guys twice his size? Yeah, right? Yeah. It's awful, awful storytelling. It's ridiculous. Yeah. Because even in this, we see him like he fights the guy and he gets knocked down and he fights him a second time. He's doing a bit better, but he gets knocked down and he gets up here. Okay, rule of threes. He's going to kick his ass this time. He runs at the guy, massive clothesline, completely takes David out.

David's on his back. Weirdest rule of threes ever. – Right. No, like so clearly, obviously, the way you film this is, at the beginning scene, you have him get his ass kicked, right? You have him like Captain America, right? He's small, but he's scrappy, and he keeps fighting back, but he doesn't know what he's doing. But these idiots don't know how to do anything, right? He's small, but he's scrappy. He keeps fighting back, but he doesn't know what he's doing. But these idiots don't know how to do anything, right? Yeah. Because, like, in that scene, if he loses the fight,

that can be like, and the sheep dies. You've got that. Rather than find a dead sheep, take out by hand two armed bandits and then pretend to be untrained. Yes, right. Yeah, two guys bigger than the dudes you're fighting now, and that one guy kicks his ass.

He just starts flipping him around. He's like judo throwing him. He karate chops him in the back of the neck. Just spite karate chops him at one point for no reason. It's amazing. He gets his ass kicked. Maybe David needs a dead sheep as motivation. Maybe that's his thing.

It's like when he smells sheep blood, it takes over and he gets his power. That's like his spinach. Yeah, exactly. It fits in with that WWE thing. He starts shaking and then he stands up on one leg. His walking music comes on. Right. His walking music.

His stone cold stuns the guy, walks away with his sheep. All right. Well, surely David's going to turn it around, but not before the next break. So we're going to take that. But we're back in a minute with even more David and Goliath. Hi there. Welcome to typical cell phone store. How can I help you? Yeah, I saw an ad for your more something deal and I wanted to sign up for it. Sure thing. And did you bring a copy of the ad? I did.

And did you sign up for a new customer account online? I did that as well. And you brought the dew from the first leaves of a virgin yew tree? I got the vial right here. And the five stones of harnath rested from the dead hands of the monarchy? Oh crap. There are five? I only brought four. Has this ever happened to you?

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Awesome. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta run. Oh, you're not gonna stick around and sign up for Mint Mobile? Oh, I am, but I'll do it somewhere else. The Dark Riders of Harnoth have been after me since I disturbed- Since you disturbed the Sacred Stones. Yeah, no, got it.

Good luck. Now we're gonna practice wrestling. You must use your center of gravity to ground yourself when your opponent grabs you so you can resist being thrown. Do you understand? Yes, sir. So let me take off my shirt and grab you from behind, David, for a demonstration. Okay, sir. Are you sure you don't want to start in like a standoff sparring type of way?

Nope. No foreplay. I mean, this isn't free play. We are going to practice a move. Alright. I mean, this isn't free play. We are going to practice a move. All right. All right, so I'm up here. All right, now that I got a hold of you, David, you are going to wriggle free. Wriggle? Yep, yep, you just grind your hips kind of back into me.

Do it slowly. Oh, okay, like this? Well, yeah, no, but slower. Yeah, there you go. Now, now move your hips side to side a bit. Okay. Oh, what, what is that back there? What is, what is what? Whatever's like digging into me back there.

Nothing. There's nothing back there. Just, it's just me. I'm here. Yeah, but it feels firm. Nope. It's just me. Just keep wriggling.

Damn it. Like a, like a sock full of chilled dough or something? Focus, David. I'm sorry. It's just like an overful dumpling. Wriggle, David. You're not wriggling. Do it. Wriggle with purpose. Okay, okay. Huh. Why did you just go slack like that? Uh... because you won. Oh, I did?

Yep. Great job. Wow, I'm a real warrior. Sure are kid. I'm gonna go take a nap. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Sammy and David out on an iron gathering adventure with their iron buckets you know like you do you carry your iron buckets into the into the desert and you don't need a lid

on the iron buckets once you've got two piece of iron in there they'll keep each other in the book and then they try to pass off my favorite part here is that what they try to pass off as iron, it's a lava rock. Yeah. They got it at Home Depot. Yeah, it's a giant Home Depot lava rock. They go, he goes, this is a rare form of iron meteorite. That's going to be really useful to us later in the movie.

And he goes, oh, okay, cool. Is it? No, no. Not really. Not really, no. It's never going to factor in in any fucking way, but they're going to spend about, I don't know, a third of the remainder of this movie solving the, how do I get this giant rock

all the way back to camp question. Yeah, they do it as a riddle as if he's learning something along the way that will be a lesson that will come in useful, but also no, it's not making him stronger. It's not making him smarter. And any amount of smart that he has isn't then useful in the fight against Goliath. It's just a waste of our time. Hold on. If at the end of the movie he'd have lifted Goliath up by one end and flipped him over,

we'd have been like, yes, there it is. There's the rock lesson right there. Well, okay. So as silly as this movie was, there was a part of me that was like, is he going to load that rock into his sling at the end of this movie? Oh, that would have been amazing! Or at least a piece of that iron. I thought, because we foreshadow a lot of him, like picking up a stone and putting it

in his little bag. And I thought, oh, he's picked up the, they called it heaven's iron is what they call this like crashed meteorite. He's going to use the heaven's iron from his baton. He doesn't. He doesn't. He doesn't. He never uses it. Never once.

Any thought you have while watching this film instantly is better than what this film chooses to do. It's a miracle that it's managed to zag its way through all the good ideas and end up hitting none of them. You got to zag and zag. That's the... So, and then, so he's like, yeah, we gotta get this giant meteorite back to camp. And he's like, oh, okay.

He's like, I'll leave you to sort it out. And just when you're thinking, oh, okay, well, I bet he'll find a clever way to use some ropes and pulleys to do it because he's not the biggest or the strongest, but he's the smartest. Nope. Nope. He'll just drag harder. He'll get it a few feet and he'll be like, fuck.

Nope. That's all I can do. I better get a stronger dude. Yes. And he's in such a tight leather skirt. Because I wrote here, we are watching a man in a very tight leather skirt bend over to pick up stones and somehow this is the week Eli decided to miss. Yes. What? All of the shirtless pecs and the inside the guard wrist control. Yeah, it's yeah, I feel so bad for him. It's crime.

So, yeah, so he can't get the rock. Eventually he goes back and he tells the rock to really quickly. The rock weighs about four pounds. Yeah, he is miming as hard as he can in these scenes. He is miming the shit out of lifting something heavy because every time he lets go of it, it just immediately kind of goes bub bub bub and wobbles and you're like okay that's not it. Come on man.

I'm certain there's a point later where he'll lift one end of the rock and I'm certain if you watch that scene back they've slowed the footage down of him lifting the rock up because he kept lifting it too quickly. Way too fast. Slow the frame of him lifting it. Yeah right right no Cecil says he's tries to say he's acting as hard as he can but he't act very hard. Right. He does a terrible job of making us think that this rock is heavy. But he goes back down and he's like, I couldn't do it. And he's like, well, at least chop some wood, you fucking loser.

And he gives him the axe from God of War. So Viking Axes, not even an axe that they would have. Like, their axes look tell. I was so mad when I saw that ex, I was like, you motherfucker, I will fight you. Also, he's chopping wood. We have not seen- we can see the entirety of the horizon throughout all of these scenes and there is not a tree to be found.

So did they bring that tree with them for the miles to get into this desert? Well, we're going to solve that question a little later in the movie, sir. But first, we have a moment where we get the three trainer guys, they're all giving him shit about his signature sling, right? The three topless guys that are going to train him, they're all like, I see you carry a sling around with you a lot. Isn't that kind of a sissy ass kid's toy kind of a thing? And he's like, it's not. How are they making fun of him when they're holding those practice swords.

There's no way you essentially have three dildos that you were just fighting with. Yeah. Get the fuck out of here. Yes. So, yeah, so he shows off how badass he is with the sling. And they're all like, yeah, it's kind of a kid's toy, though. And Samuel's like, but it will come in handy later in the film. Yeah. Exactly. And then, okay. And then we get a little bit of dragging the rock a little bit further. We're going to go back to that rock so many, you have no fucking idea how many god damn guys go back to that fucking rock. For it to not matter. But now it's time.

And I was so excited to have Cecil on the show for this fucking episode when this happened. Now it's time for David to learn to sword fight. I want a 30 minute breakdown of Cecil going frame by frame. I was yelling the whole time. I'm like, come on, man. And like what I love is this is exactly what people think it is, is everybody fights for a half a second, and then they freeze. And they're like, see, look, I've already stabbed you. Forgetting that people move, they just like stand there. It's like those idiots that come down at you.

Like, no, you got to stab me over your head, and you've got to come straight. That's the only way I could do this. With both arms, use both arms. Yeah. This is pretty much the whole scene, is them just being like, nope, you I could do this. With both arms, use both arms. Yeah. This is pretty much the whole scene is them just being like, nope, you gotta do this. And then at one point, my favorite part was when like David's getting ready to go back in.

He's like, okay, I just got my ass kicked. I just lost. And then he wins one and he's like, okay, cool. I'm going to go back in. And then kind of showboats a little by doing a little wrist spin with his gladeus. And they're like, fucking oh my God, he smacks the thing out of his hand. He's like, what the fuck are you doing, stupid? You're running, get killed!

It was amazing. It was amazing. It is. Like, he like, properly like, kicks off at him for sure. He's like, stop fucking sure-borting your prickers when he's sort of basing you. And I thought, oh, I really want to hope that pays off. Like, David's about to fight someone who does the sword twirly sure-borting and David kills him. It does not pay off.

Again, it's impossible not to think of something better than this film. But at one point during this fight, you've got Samuel saying to David, crossing swords will exhaust you and your weapon. And I wrote, okay, Mr. Skyrim 2 tip. We're out of the tutorial. We can understand. We'll just drink a restore fatigue potion and we and maybe fine. Don't worry about it. So what I love the most about this is the training method, right? Because he starts off and he goes, swords are mighty extensions of the human body. Now fight. And he's like, do you want to give me any advice?

And he's like, well, I'm going to give you advice. How should I stand? I mean, like that might help. No, I'm going to yell my advice at you after you fuck up things. Right? That's his whole thing. He's like, hey, he'll do something. You're like, no, you don't block with your sword.

You fool you. That's why you have a shield. And then he'll block with his shield. No, you don't absorb the shot with your shield. He's like, well, tell him first, you fucking jackass. Can you imagine learning to cook like this? I mean, anything, anything else. So I agree.

But in Samuel's defense, I think David could have figured out that you block with the shield and not the sword. I think that one was maybe like, okay, we're going to start way more basic than you thought. Yeah, okay. But so they do that sword fighting for a little bit and then we get this unintentionally hilarious shot of this muscle bound one of the muscle bound guys carrying a fucking whole ass tree and then David's walking by to carry this tiny little bundle of sticks. His little bundle of sticks is so good. It's excellent. I like it so much. It's like if the one guy was carrying the piano and he was carrying the stool, right? It's just, Right. It's fucking amazing.

It's so embarrassing. And Noah's not kidding when he says there's like five sticks wrapped together that he has on his arm. It is not a lot of sticks either. And he goes, hey, Eliezer, that big ridiculously fake looking scar that's on your face that changes colors and positions as we change scenes. How did you get that? And he tells this story that never fucking matters and LEAs are never fucking matters. And the story's so stupid because like he said it's when he was a child, this is not

a 20 year old scar. This looks like a fresh scar. It's mentally 20 years old. And he says, well, a soldier once like told me I had to listen and he gave me this scar in order to make me listen. So I slit his throat. Right. But if you were capable of slitting his throat, why did you wait for him to scar you? Why did you wait for him to cut you first before you killed him? Why don't you just kill him first? Oh man, this isn't going to heal up. This is still going to be like, this is going to look fresh 20 years from now.

Yeah. It also took me to this point in the movie too because they start at this point spear fighting, shirtless. And it was in this point when I was like man Eli is kicking himself from this movie. You know, I was like I fell into line. It took me a little longer, but it was the shirtless spear fighting that I was like, wow, someone is really gonna enjoy this movie. And it's probably a lot of closeted Christians. And the thing is bear in mind we're working with the spear, quote, the king of all weapons. Okay.

That might have been my absolute favorite line in the movie. So would he introduce us to the suit? Every training montage starts with Samuel yelling the thing that they're training, right? He goes, wrestling! When there is no weapon, you must, you know, the sword, it is an extension of your... And then, so this one's turns out he goes, the spear. It is the king of weapons. And objectively, that's not even true then.

Like at best, it's the king of when your enemy is like between four and six feet away and not moving too quickly. And doesn't have a shield that is going to immediately block it and then close the line and crush you. Yeah, right. So and I fuck it. I wanted the rest of this movie to just be more and more obscure weapons that he introduces like this horseman's pick, you know, or whatever. They just keep fucking going.

And that would have been better again than what we will begin. We also get this advice, which is fucking amazing, especially since it never comes back. He goes, people's, the human weak points are, and Cecil back me up on this, the throat, the armpit, and the groin. Any man can be killed when you strike these areas. The armpit. Like, he went armpit before heart. I'd have gotten heart as a week. There weren't many men in military hospitals with armpit wounds. Unless

maybe they all died. It's like that diagram of the plane of where it's been shot and where they had to like reinforce the plane. Like they never reinforced the armpits. That's why all those men died. So he gives that advice and then they do their spear fighting and I love fight choreography where if like the opponent didn't block that shot, it wouldn't have gone anywhere near you anyway. So right, you're just you're striking his spear. They just do that for a long fucking time.

Yeah. And they're doing a lot of spins. It felt very Jedi because there was a lot of spins I saw. Doesn't feel like a good idea, but hey, you do you, David. There is one point where he nearly gets him in the armpit with the spear, and I'm careful he nearly got his armpit and he'd have died instantly. I also noticed too at this point, they're fighting with real spears. They have baguettes that they're fighting with.

Why are you using a real spear? Just take that giant log you were using and use that instead. Or a stick. Especially when spears are the king of weapons. You give them a fake sword, but you let them loose on the king of weapons. They're not even using them backwards. Right. They're not even using them like reversed. So you could be like, yeah, I just hit him with the butt end of my stick or whatever.

But instead they're like, nope. Pointy end in the other guy. Here we go. I had a thought about the armpit thing. It struck me. Do you think the makers of this movie thought the armpit thing? Because like in old timey films, people would get stabbed and the sword would go under their arm and then they die.

Like you'd see the side arm, the sword go under their arm and then they die. That's all I could think it would be. In Arrow Flynn movies, this always works, yes. But being serious, I think the reason why it's in there is because he presumes that people... Because it doesn't understand what kind of armor someone would have, so they're thinking like, well, there'd be like a breastplate. You're like, no, there wouldn't.

That's not a thing back then. But that's sort of what they presume. And that's actually what they put the vinyl bad guy yeah put him in like a breastplate so you're like yeah they wouldn't have had something like that a spear would go right through lamellar armor just burst right through it so there's no there's no reason to be like well I got a really game for this tiny little spot on the body that I can only hit when he turns right I could literally hit him right in the front yeah it'll be okay the fucking missing

scale under his arm. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking nobody's a dragon back then. You don't need to aim for the tiniest little part. So and then we watch the even bigger guy try to move the giant rock horn. Right?

Oh God. And it's so good because like this really, really big guy lifts it up and says, you see, anyone can carry it. It's like you haven't proved that. You haven't proved that you can carry it, but you can lift it up and says, you see, anyone can carry it. It's like, you haven't proved that. You haven't proved that you can carry it, but you can lift it. Right. But just because you can lift it doesn't mean anybody can lift it. That's not how that works.

Well, so and they're trying to go for like this, like, you know, mysterious riddle kind of thing or whatever. But everyone involved in this movie is too stupid to come up with a riddle. So the guy says, he's like, well, if it's too heavy to carry, then how I get it. He says, lift it, but do not carry it. And we all roll, in our notes, you mean fucking roll it? Do you mean roll it?

And he does! Yeah, he kind of rolls it wrong. I think, you know what I mean? I feel like you would roll it. It would be a little easier if you turned it the other way and be like, I'm just going to roll it on the smaller side so it rolls. Because it kind of is a cylinder already and it looks like it would be made to roll. Instead, he basically flips a giant cylinder the wrong way.

Right. Like he ends over ends it. Bucking six miles back to camp. Yes. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, like he's in World Strongman competition. Yeah, exactly. The length of the route and back. Yeah. Right, right. Exactly.

No, and so, and of course, as he's doing this bit where he's rolling this four pound decorative stone around, he's getting worse and worse at pretending it's heavy. Yeah. So it seems like it's getting lighter as it goes. Yeah, he speeds up being able to move it. That's why they start slowing down the footage of him to make it look like it's still heavy. The montage feels long because it's slowed down. And there is a rock flipping montage audience.

100% a rock flipping montage where no words are spoken, music swells, and a guy flips a four pound rock for about three minutes. Through the night. Yeah, into the darkness falls and he's still flipping. He wakes up with one arm over it like he's... Also, why? Why does he do it through the night, yeah, into the darkness falls and he's still flipping. He wakes up with one arm over it. Also, why? Why does he do it through the night? Because he was asked to move it several days ago and he hasn't done it in those several days. He wasn't given a deadline.

They just move it a bit and then go on sleeping. Right, right, exactly. You've got as long as you apparently fucking need. So, but no, he rolls it all the way back that night. And we know this because we see him see him passed out with one arm over it, like my wife's body pillow. It's his emotional support rock. Is what it is. Yeah. But Elie Azar comes out of the tent and he sees him, then he's like, hey, let's go for a run.

He's like, oh, I actually I actually did a rock roll all fucking night. He's like, doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. We're still running. Yeah. Nobody skips leg day, bitches. Let's go. Yeah. This guy woke up and immediately wants to go for a run. This is why it's just not worth hanging out with hot people. It's just not worth it. It is not worth it at all. That's why I don't hang out with you, Cecil.

That's what it is. So but now I guess now he can keep up with Eliezer because number one, you know, he's been mitified by that rock. But number two, the camera's up high enough that you can't see they're wearing sneakers. So that's right. Yeah. But yeah, but now he's wrestling and he's stick fighting and he's just montage in it up. Oh my God. Oh, and he's told at this point, he's got to sort of go after the run, he's got to go straight into a fight. Doesn't he have time to brush his teeth from the morning?

He's gone straight into a fight. But they tell him to protect the sheep, you must catch the wolf. And it's like, yeah, spoken like a man who's never heard of fences. You can use fences. That is an option. There are other ways to do this. Yeah. That's how you keep Goliath out.

You build the wall, guys. Come on. Now I'm all depressed again. So yeah, and this was the part where I wrote my notes. Hey guys, do you think they're all shirtless to show off how awesome their pecs are? Or do you think they only had the one old timey looking shirt? Right? Because David's been wearing the same one this whole time.

I think those two things are related. I think they had more old timey shirts and then the actors damaged them in some way. Oh, I guess we're just going to have to be like, topless and stuff. This is going to be awful for my reel. Yeah, I think the porn actors they hired did not come with shirts, Nora. I think that's what happened. Right. David's the only straight one there and he's going like, wow, I've been much better at

you guys keeping my shirt from ripping. So weird. So weird. Also, they do a fight with a stick at this point and I did write down, how does Samuel feel about a stick? It's roughly 90% of the King of Weapons after all. So he's got to be pretty happy with a big stick. All right. So yeah, but some other night, I love this scene, they're all sitting around having a post-montage fire sit or whatever, and David starts to wax poetic about friendship and camaraderie. So he says at one point, you guys are closer to me than my own brothers.

But your brothers made you sleep with the sheep. They fucking hate you, bro. Yeah, they were bad guys. It is awkward that he's like opening up around the campfire. Like I wrote down, men will literally join a Bronze Age militia rather than go to therapy. It's true. I belong to a Bronze Age militia. So, but after he says it, he goes, he does this whole big like, we have become a band

of brothers today. They're all like boo gay. You're gay. So I did genuinely laugh out loud. But the fact that they went there, I thought whatever was going to like dump is fucking porridge out of the ground. It was amazing. He flinch checks him. The guy, oh, yeah, he flinches and everything. And then the scene ends.

Now, listener, you're assuming that at some point later in the movie, these three guys will be like, you're right, David, we have become brothers. No, I judged you too harshly. No, no, none of that will ever happen. So, so David goes off to her room for bed about how he doesn't know a band of brothers. He thought they were friends, not friends. So he goes, he gets a few little iron rocks off of the giant meteor. Again, to make Mars think, well, certainly they're foreshadowing some goddamn thing here. He must do. Must do. Nope. Nope. But Samuel catches him and he's like, Hey man, are you,

are you dipping out? And he's like, yeah, that guy flinch checked me and I feel like it was. I don't think I fit in very well here. And he goes, man, you're supposed to be the fucking king of Israel. And he goes like, I, yeah, I don't know. And he's like, well, come have a walk and talk with me. So they go to make a sword together. They could do a bit of light smelting in a cave. Samuel's got a blacksmith's apron.

No shirt! He's got a shirt under it. Yeah, absolutely. No shirt! No shirt, but he's got a big, big apron on. He looks like a Boys Town DJ getting ready to spin something. It's amazing. It is, it is, it is so like genuinely like wink wink nudge nudge at the camera when he walks out with

that outfit on. He's got an entire smithy set up inside of a cave as well. So it's going to be so hot and so smoky. They're like unbearably warm inside this cave. That's the kind of thing that like you have to think they would have learned while filming this, right? Because they do. No, they don't. The kind of thing that like you have to think they would have learned while filming this, right? Because they do.

They don't have like they just have a campfire, no bellows or anything. You don't need that to get that hot to melt iron. So they do that. They do the whole thing and they're like they're like supposed to be working the iron now and beating a sword out of it. But clearly like they've realized that if they hit this prop too hard, it'll break. So they're lightly tapping it with their little hammer. Yeah, but it's CGI, so it's sparking like crazy.

There's so many sparks and it's lighting shit on fire. And it's insanely hot. And you're like, that is not on. It's not even red. You guys colored it red in post. Also, I wanted this to be a really shit sword, because he's never made a sword before. And we know that Samuel's teaching technique is to wait until you fuck up and then say

what you did wrong. That's so true! Yeah. Yeah. A teaching technique he shares with my wife a lot of the time. Oh, well, is that his? That's Nicholas' favorite thing. I think when we were together, Noah, I think I mentioned that Nicholas' favorite thing

is the, I would have told you so. Yes. I didn't. But like, had I thought at the time, I would have said so. Yes. Yeah. That's how she gives directions too. Yeah. It is absolutely. So yeah. So he makes it. Well, we thought he was making a story. He's making like a glaive, I guess. Yeah.

And you're thinking, oh, wow, I guess he's probably going to use that glaive in some interesting way later on in the, never gonna see that fucking thing again I think he gives it to one of the hot toss or trio I think that's where that goes it's like a leaving present to one of the strippers three so okay so now it's the next day David having not left I guess he decided you know all that sword smelting shit like convinced him to stick around He's standing around. He's looking at his glaive all sexually like he's gonna fuck it later. There's nothing wrong with that Noah You're being real judgy right now

And Samuel comes in he goes hey, what's troubling you chap and he goes well You know I'm worried that being a sword wielding shepherd isn't going to make me good at being a king. Like it seems like there are other things we could have focused on for the last few months, you know? Yeah. And it's like, he's like, don't worry, you're going to be a great king. You're going to genocide the fuck out of people. Don't worry about it.

Well, okay. I love Samuel's backhanded compliment here because he goes like, you know, God teaches us not to judge a man by his height or his appearance and I'm like Or his breath or his hair Stupid ugly fucking nose like didn't say he was too short or ugly to be king, right? Also for a man Samuel for a man who says he doesn't judge me guys by their appearance Someone's got an honoring knack of surrounding himself with really hot guys. Yeah, that's true.

Just only good looking fellas. You're not convincing anybody here. But yeah, so he starts giving him this fucking basketball half-time speech or whatever about getting back up and trying again. And as he's doing it, they start flashing back to him failing in the movie earlier. Yeah, yeah. But he's like, and then the speech turns into, you know, he's like, come on, man, everybody's a fucking stupid loser without God. Come on, God's going to fix it all.

Yeah. But in these flashbacks, we're supposed to see like all of him failing throughout the movie and then we're supposed to see him like getting back up and trying Again, right? It's a speech all about perseverance But they're so bad at filmmaking that they haven't included enough of like the him getting back up shots to really flesh out that montage There's two of them right and like we have to intuit that they're like, you know, etc Yeah, and the rest of it is just him like hip throwing his buddies on that tiny little patch of sand for like three straight minutes. Well, right. So now he's getting like during the month or the speech, we see like this

montage of him getting better with all his weapons and his training. At one point, he's on top of a mountain swinging around his sling like it was like a poi. Yes. What full on ninja moves. What good is a fancy swing on your fucking sling do? That's nothing. That's nothing. So yeah, but he gets way better. And also there's just a point here where during the sword choreography, the other guy has to keep like presenting parts of himself to David for David to get.

You know, he's like, and my neck, but yeah, so, but he does a montage, he gets better at shit and he gets a half time speech. So it looks like this movie is about ready to introduce its plot. And that must mean that it's the end of the second act. Okay. Yes. I guess that means we're due for a break, but first let me give Act 3 the hard sell. Will Samuel slowly walk away from something he just blew up? Will Goliath offer an inopportune monologue about the inevitability of his victory? Will David be told to turn in his badge and his gun?

Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the PQ PQ conclusion of David and Goliath. Hey podcast listener, Eli isn't here to write sketches and stuff for us this week, so I the PQPQ conclusion of David and Goliath. There's a ton of bad information out there and gyms are full of gym people. That's why I chose FitBot. FitBot's an app that creates personalized workout routines for you based on your goals, your fitness level, and your available equipment. And I don't mean it does that once. I mean it adjusts to your changing environment, your changing fitness level, and your changing goals.

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That's F-I-T-B-O-D dot M-E slash gam. It is I, David, the King's Champion. I've come to face Goliath and remove this scourge from our lands. Oh. Huh. Is that all? What do you mean is that all? Well, I mean, I'm risking my life and limb on your behalf to fight a giant who ravages

our lands and slaughters our kin. And I'm not even rocking armor here, so I thought maybe there'd be a little bit of, I don't know, like a bit of a hurrah or something at least. Meh. Meh? Really? A meh? Well, I mean, to be honest, we got to thinking about it and like Goliath, maybe he isn't

that bad. What? What are you talking about? He stalks us in the night, he kills our women when they go out to fetch water? Yeah, but inflation's been really low since he got here. And energy prices. Energy prices as well, yeah, yeah. Okay, but look, he's a vicious, murderous, dangerous, bitter, diabolical...

Yeah, murderous, bitter, diabolical. Murderous, bitter, diabolical. Yeah, I know, I agree. But we don't really know that much about you, do we? Look, energy prices and inflation are moved by global economic forces. They aren't really affected by which giant is ravaging our lands right now. Plus, illegal immigration is down since he's been here. Well, you've only got a seven-foot giant at the border, screaming about how he's gonna rip everybody's head off,

so I suppose that'll dissuade immigration, maybe? You see, that's what I like about him. He's a straight talker. Straight talker, yeah. Like when he told my sister he was gonna rip her in half. He did it. Keeps his words. Yep. Honest. Well, the King told me to kill him, so that's what I'm gonna do. Step aside. Get out of the way. Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. Ahhhhhhh.

Well, he's a better shot than that kid in Pennsylvania, at least. Jesus Christ. Hahahaha. Not kidding, Pennsylvania, at least. Jesus Christ. And we're back for yet still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with the VO going like, oh, fuck Goliath. Jesus Christ, I almost forgot. We've got a lot to make up for here. Let me sit down, relax for a minute. I got to tell you a story.

We've been doing OK. We've been doing five training montages and this movie... The runtime on this is like an hour and 15 minutes. Any remotely competent filmmaker would have been introducing Goliath already and telling his story along a parallel fucking track. But no. Mm-mm. He just shows up in this instance and he's going to show up mid-action sequence, right?

So this is such a dumb scene. To a point where when he showed up, I genuinely had forgotten that that was meant to be the stakes. I was like, Oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah. So we're going to meet a squad of Israeli soldiers and they've been sent out to ambush Goliath as he comes through. Right. And this is hard as well because they are meant to be the ones we have sympathy for. It's really hard to have sympathy for Israeli soldiers now. No, I'm kidding. So yeah, and to give you just yet another idea of what quality filmmaking we're dealing with at this point, like the sergeant or whatever, the guy in charge, he goes, get ready for blattle men.

And they just keep that fucking take. They kept that take. So yeah, they're all in their spirit Halloween outfits too because it clearly is wearing plastic armor. I mean, come on man. It's so obvious. But they are carrying the King of Weapons. So I think that'll be fine.

So yeah, so we do this very long scene where Goliath is like sneaking around like Batman taking him out one at a time. Oh God. Yeah. And it's in the jungle as well. So I thought it was more like Ramble and I really like Goliath just be like a vet from the Amalekite war, but discrimination PTSD.

So yeah, but like, I don't feel like lurking in the woods like that is really Goliath style. Is it? He's not much of a sneaker. He doesn't feel like he's going to really creep up on you. Yeah. I mean, that's what you want to do. When you've got an eight foot giant, that's how you want to deploy them. That's how you want to do some, is he's an eight foot giant ninja. Yeah.

Right. And like, okay, I shit you not. Three different times during this long fucking scene, we do the whole Twigs snap everybody look around thing. Yeah, they do that over and over again Yeah, twigs snap in a blue filter, you know, you're in this movie All right, right and then and what we do is like one guy will be walking around and to be like I don't see him Ah, and then we switch to another guy. I also don't see him, you know, we do that like seven fucking times There's nothing for him to hide behind no because it's a sparse forest It's like it's like tiny little trees

There's you literally cannot hide behind any of these trees and they're always Spinning their head around like they're in some bad horror movie constantly wheeling looking for him I'm like, there's no way he could sneak up. He's nine foot tall and there's nothing he can hide behind. You say that but he does manage it because at one point there's a guy trying to sort of like move between the trees but as you point out it's such a sparse forest that he has to like do the twinkle toes sneak and it's so far between the trees. Makes it all all the way over to the tree and would you know it it's the very tree the lion was hiding behind the whole time.

He stabs him from the other side of it. Yeah. It's just that there's two high keys on the piano going back and forth. I just I love so there's guy two and guy seven or fucking whatever are walking through and he's like oh we saw the signs of him we should go back and tell everybody else like they told us to and guy seven is like Leroy Jenkins. He's like fuck you. Runs in.

I am the king of weapons in my hands. Yes, obviously. I'm going to get him in the groin arm pit or throat. So that guy gets in Goliath gets that guy and I pushes him to death I guess. Yeah, totally Game of Thrones kills him. Right. The eye pushes him in, yeah. We should point out too that up to this point at least, they're treating Goliath like the

shark in Jaws, right? We don't see, we see like an arm or whatever. We haven't seen him yet. But then, guy one, three, four, eight, nine, and 11 charge in, right? And they actually all fight him together. Now, at this point. What do you mean by together? No, I'll fight them one at a time very quickly. Is that what you mean? I do mean one at a time, but they don't have giant money, right? And they didn't

do like, which the biblically accurate thing is the guy's like six foot eight or whatever, right? They didn't do that either. They want to have it both ways. So we get this shot of him like this forced perspective of a tall guy standing on a chair, but we're only seeing from like the shoulders up looking down. So he's supposed to be like nine feet, but no broader than me, apparently. Yeah. Because like at one point he attacks someone and as he swings his sword, it's very clear that his hip is meant to be this guy's like shoulder.

That's how tall he's meant to be on his box. But I look the actor up and the actor's like six five, which like that's tall, but it's not tall enough to base your entire personality around. See? Yeah. Hahaha. So... Yeah, so Goliath at one point picks one guy up and just snaps his neck with one hand and

I'm like, oh nice, nice, well done. And the last guy who's left decides to rush him, which is such a stupid idea because if he stands still, Goliath can't take his box or his chair with him. He's got to get down off the chair and come after you. He's got to carefully lift it up, walk a few steps and then stand up and be like, get back here! Or like, hold the back of the chair and sort of like, scooch yourself forward, like just hop in the chair at him.

I will say the way that dude dies, though, he gets fucking thrown real hard into that tree. Oh, he backhands him? Yeah, man, he gets backhanded and then he flies through the air and the stunt guy kind of doesn't really know how to throw himself into a tree and he does it with way too much force and way too much energy and he fucking clotheslines himself backwards on that tree. But he's not quite dead, right? So Goliath walks up to him and the fucking Jurassic Park stomp sounds echo through the forest as he does. Give me a fucking break.

And then the guy stands there very nicely while he stops, chops his head off. He waits for him, you know. Yeah, he's like, well, I know you can't move your box again. You can get back up on the stool. Go ahead. That's cool. So, but then the voiceover cuts in and he's like, anyway though, but so in the next scene, there's like a fight club to beat Goliath, but everybody's too scared to do it.

Right? And this is where we get Marcia's best worst. It's beautiful. So we have the horizon, we've got the scenery around, we have several hills that overlap to form like a pathway up to the very top of the mountain. And all along the pathway, like they are the guardrails to stop you falling over, are the CGI armies all the way along. And they're perfectly placed, perfectly spaced out at every point. And then when the path turns around, they go along with it. It's beautiful.

And they're all just moving in sort of like syncopated unison, like the third and the fourth and the seventh and the eighth move at the same time. Okay. Prime numbers, you move. Right. And they look just as natural as Donald Trump's tan up there. So, but we see him like, you know, will any of you come face me? And they're like, no, we're all CGI. And he's like, God damn it, you cowards. So meanwhile, okay, so now we're going to try to introduce like 37 pieces of David

lore in the next 18 seconds of the movie, right? We cut to David, he's now Saul's sword bearer. We know that because he comes in and he goes, your sword, my king. Because that's what a sword bearer does. Yeah. I had no idea what's got to this point. Thanks. I was going to have a long day of drinking wine and I really needed my sword back. So thank you. I appreciate you bringing it to me. What the fuck, dude? Isn't there a servant at some point as well?

Or there's a servant who's seen David fight and thinks he's an amazing fighter? Because David's only been a fighter for a week and literally only four men know about it and three of them are topless. We know the entire circle of people who know he can fight. Right, right. So, and also, by the way, like earlier in the movie, they say, and then Samuel anointed David as king. So if you don't know the story already, you assume that David's been king this whole time. And now suddenly he's talking to Saul and going, my king, your

sword. Right. Again, you have to know the fucking story. They are not going to help you out with it. No, they did send you back to read it. I just want to point out. No, that's true. They gave me the chapter in verse. They literally gave me chapter in verse. Maybe that's why they added that at the start in polls because they watched the entire film and were like, oh, we have not done a good job of telling this story. Guys, we got some plot holes. There is so much content.

We need to tell them to do the reading first, otherwise it's going to be lost. Is there anyone who could footnote our entire movie perhaps? Yeah. So, but then the king's like, oh David, you sing such wonderful songs and we're like, does he? No, we have no idea. We've never seen that. We did not know that David was a song guy. And it'd be easy for him to just do that at some point in the film while we're watching him.

And he would have established that. Sure would. I would, I would contend. This actor? Absolutely not. Because he is the most monotone person. So there's no way he's a singer. So he's like, why don't you sing? He's like, in fact, fuck that.

Do not sing. It's going to sound terrible. Just tell me what you said. Just telly-savallis that song. Give me the telly-savallis version of it. Yeah. No, it's fucking amazing. Because he's like, would you like me to sing?

And they have to come up with eight excuses. He's like, no, you don't have your fucking lyre or whatever. So I guess he couldn't sing. Oh no, I couldn't sing. That would be ridiculous. He's like, but tell me the words anyway. Because apparently this writer had this little poem that he had written and he very much liked the poem and he wanted to fit it into the movie.

And he'd written it to the As I Lay Me Down to Sleep meter, which is very lovely. He rhymes war with quarrel. Eli's trying to make one of his puns work. And he's just like, pause and say, that works. And we should point out that the actor playing Saul has decided to give Saul an accent that is equal parts British nobleman and Southern gentleman. Right.

Waving between those two the whole time. But he's like, Oh, you know, I'm really bummed out because Goliath is a is going to kill my whole kingdom. And David's like, Well, actually, he's just standing there yelling that nobody's brave enough to fight. He's not doing any stories. Just he's just we're all too chicken. He's just, he's just, we're all too chicken. He's like, yeah, but we look like a bunch of chicken shits. And

David's like, all right, well then I'll fight Goliath. And so I was like, oh, we should also introduce the daughter here, right? This is the first woman that we've seen in the whole fucking movie. So we should probably mention her. 55 minutes into this hour and 15 movie, we the first woman and I did write, I think they're going to struggle to pass the Bechdel test. And then... I thought the same thing! She has a line because he says, Michelle and she says, yes father, and he says, leave us

and she's gone. So that's it. That's pretty much it. Well and then we're like, wow, she just seemed like a bit of a trophy standing over there. And he's like, she's the trophy for whoever beats Goliath. Yes. Here's the raffle ticket for you later on. That's for my daughter's vagina.

Yeah. But he's like, but I'll kill Goliath and then I'll marry your daughter. And Saul's like, Come on. Yeah, no My why not? Yeah, and he goes no no God will be my co-pilot. He's like, oh god I'm in my go by well in that case. He's like, let me at least give you my armor and and David's like no God is my armor And he leaves and then the king's doing the drunk like your dad's drunk, but he's still calling you as you're walking out the door.

Get back here and listen to me, you little shit. I'm going to tell you a story. Where did that guy go? The king just by himself says, wine, always wine, which is weird. Then he says, give beer to the one who's dying, wine to the depressed. And I wrote tea for the Tillerman, steaks for his son. So David goes outside and I guess he's going to go through the stones in the courtyard and picked out the best sling in ones. Right? Yeah. And again, I said, hey, like, surely use the iron stones from earlier.

You know, the heavens iron, the magic stones you were literally picking up earlier. I assume that's what you're going to do. No, he doesn't fucking use them. Even though he will shoot him with what turns out to be a magic stone, apparently, it isn't the magic one from heaven. You put that one in his pouch too from earlier. You don't even have to do this. He did.

We watched him do it. It's so fucking dumb. But now he's looking for different rocks. And Michelle, the daughter, walks up to him and she says, Yes, I am the love interest. We don't get as far as Bathsheba in this movie goes. Oh, OK, cool. You also speak in seven syllable packets. So I guess we're made for each other.

And she goes, hey, just between you and I, are you going to go fight the giant just to fuck me? And he's like, I cannot tell which answer would be more insulting. She goes, Hey, just between you and I, are you going to go fight the giant just to fuck me? And he's like, I cannot tell which answer would be more insulting. Which one's worse? Yeah, right. I did whatever one you like better. How's that?

Do you want me to have done it to have sex? So, but he goes, if you have faith in the Lord, have faith in me. And I'm like, are you saying you're God? Because otherwise, what are you saying? Yeah, what would that mean? What else could it mean? And then he leaves and the camera just lingers on her for a long time. Like the actress like, are you going to take your shirt off? No? Okay. Yeah. It's a much too emotional scene for two people that we so far have little indication even know each other because the movie has not established that. It's a much too emotional scene for two people that we so far have little indication even

know each other because the movie has not established that. Right. And that's just the thing, right? The relationship between Saul and David is probably the most interesting relationship in the entire God damn Bible, but they're gay lovers in the Bible as well, or at least that's heavily implied. So they can't actually introduce that in any way. So this is it.

That is the entire interaction between Saul and David that we're going to get for the entire fucking movie, because we're going to go from there to the main fight. He goes right from there to Goliath and he squeaks. He goes, Goliath, come here. He totally does. And then Goliath sends his toady after him. Right. You can't let your fucking caddy fight for you.

That's not fair. His toady seriously comes up to Goliath's waist. It's the best. And he just kind of runs off like, I'll get him to Goliath. Don't worry. I'll take care of him for you. And he's shorter than the hero of the movie. Yes.

But also, he only looks that short when he stood next to Goliath. Because they've had to put Goliath on a mound. And then as he stood behind him, you can see him, he's leaning with one leg bent to lower himself. Totally for his perspective. Yeah. Yeah. So, but yeah, so the toady goes out to... Well, when Goliath first sees him, he goes like, oh, you're tiny and shit, you're not worth my time. And David goes, oh, are you a chicken?

But he Marty McFlys him. you're tiny and shit, you're not worth my time. And David goes, oh, are you chicken? But he Marty McFlys him. Yeah, he Marty McFlys the motherfucker. He totally does. And Goliath's like, oh, I'm not chicken, I'm not chicken. And then his caddy's like, I'll get him. And he's like, oh yeah, go get him. But David makes quick work of the caddy. He gets him right in the throat.

Yep, staffed to the neck, one of the vulnerable zones. Yeah, he hits him with the 90% of the King of Weapons. It was just a stick. Yep. And he hits him and then the guy clearly had a chocolate bar in his mouth because he lets out whatever that was supposed to be that he hit. Yes, he gets him in the neck and he just spits up brown blood. It's like brown. I don't know what it was, but the guy's like bleh. And then just falls over dead. Chocolate syrup. Yeah.

And they do like because like he keeps like he beats up the toady and then the toady gets up and he beats him up again and the toady gets up and they do that like three or four times too many to the point where you're just like, David, you're being mean, man. Just, yeah. Yeah, just kill this guy or let him go. But like, come on, stop toying with your food. Exactly. I was expecting to hold his head with his hand at a certain point, the guy just spinning his arms trying to swing at him. And then when he kills him, David puts down his big stick,

the 90% of King of Weapon, and he picks up the toadies, like sword and shield. It's like, what about the sword that you made? We watched you make a sword. That was all for nothing. If you wanted a sword, you made a sword. Oh, and the king tried to give you one and you refused to take it. And now you're using a sword anyway. Yeah. Yeah. So then we get some biblical shit talk, right?

And then we get the fight that the whole goddamn movie has been leading up to. And it is the most boring goddamn fight you can imagine. Why would you make a David and Goliath movie if you didn't have any ideas of what to do in a fight between David and Goliath? And even without the sling, David was going to win that fight. David was ducking, moving, slicing at him. He had cut him four to eight times at that point. He was going to win that fight.

Come on, he didn't need the sling. He was going to pull his ass. He kept come on, he didn't need the sling. He was going to hit his ass. He kept ducking under him and he kept like stabbing him in the leg with his little sword until bits of Goliath's armor kept falling off. Like his helmet falls off after he gets stabbed in the leg. Right in the calf.

And it was just, it was a classic boss fight. You've got to beat up on the weak points until the armor starts falling away to expose the vulnerable spots you're killing with. He's dropping inventory the whole time. There's a coin on the ground. Yeah, like a whole chicken roast comes out. David's health gets replenished.

Yeah. Well, but also, so, and that kind of gets to the biggest problem in this whole fucking movie because the whole point of David and Goliath as a story is that David was just this teenage kid that didn't have any experience fighting or anything. He just had bravery and faith in God, right? They've spent this whole movie being like, well, also sword training and he had tactical spear training, the king of weapons.

He also knew how to wrestle. He could lift a big ass rock. So like, what's the point of the story then? Right, just that little guys can also be good fighters, I guess? Yeah, they can also fight as well. At no point did we see him use the faith of God really. Oh, actually, no. He does right at the very end.

He turns off the tracking computer and uses the force. He does. He does. Yeah. He does. He hits that womp rat right between the eyes. Yeah, he does. He does.

So, but I have to ask Cecil about the technique here because there's one point where they're sword fighting and David grabs the end of the like blade end of his sword and starts using it two handed like that. Is that a recommended sword technique? I don't think so. I don't think so. Also, it was clearly a one handed sword. Oh yeah. Like is clearly like what are you doing? What you can't even hold it down there. He's holding about like that pommel at a certain point. Yeah. So and okay. At one point during the fight, during the sword fight, Goliath backhand

smacks him. I'm like, why didn't you use the hand with the sword in it? You just said. That could have ended this quick. You know, you would have chopped him off from the jaw up or something if you did. Yeah. But no, but David gets knocked down and then this is where he realized he's got to flash back to the entire rest of the movie.

Oh my God. How much of this movie did they re show us in that minute? It's like three minutes of them re showing me like I just watched all this. Stop it. It's only an hour and 15 minutes long. Well, and this isn't even the first time that they've done the flashing back to earlier in the movie. I expected the flashback to the earlier flashback.

Right? Flashback to David flashing back. And just get lost. Fall into their own asshole or something. Yeah. But this is where he realizes he needs to use his signature sling. So he picks up a rock from the ground. Just a random rock. Just a random rock.

Not one of Chekhov's pebbles come back at any point in this. So fucking dumb. And they do this dramatic slow motion sl sling spinning, and I'm like, that's not really a thing. You can't make that look dramatic. But also, as he's doing this, we cut to how far away Goliath is, and he's like 50 yards away. So you were close enough to knock him on the ground. Then while he was having this dramatic flashback, you slowly backed away to a respectable distance. What was it, a touchback? Like what the fuck happened man?

Yeah, so he spins this thing, the crowd's cheering for him, right? We see the crowd in the background. They're, you know, one, five, seven, 11 and 13 all raising their arms. Yeah, they're doing the wave perfectly. Yeah, yeah, right, right. And then he throws his rock and it turns into a goddamn meteor. Right. It glows and a flame rips off the back of it. Yeah. It's practically a Hadouken is what he's done. Exactly. Yeah. Throwing people's cheap, man. That's fucking cheap. Finish him.

Yeah. So, and I know, I know, wrong game, but he gets the glowing rock right to the head. Well, David does. He does do a finishing move. He does! He does do a finishing move. He gets the glowing rock to the head. He stands there staggered like in fucking Mortal Kombat.

He falls down. David comes and chops off his head. 100% chops off his head. 100% chops off his head. It's like, come on David, do the heroic thing and defile that corpse. And then he goes to lift the head, but because they're like, they didn't have the budget to get a good look at the head. It all turns black and white and silhouetted just as he does.

Perfectly done. He spent all the budget on the fake sheep. They couldn't get a fake head as well. No way we can get head. And that's it. The voiceover comes up and it's like, that's the end of the story. Trust us. Don't read on from there. No gay fucking at all.

At all. In this story. Nope. So, okay. So that's the end of the movie. And I have to ask though, Cecil Marsh, because you guys have both done a bunch of these movies with us before. Where does this rank in terms of enjoyability when it comes to gam

movies that you have watched in the past? I enjoyed the shit out of watching this movie because it's literally just bad montages the entire time and I didn't have to pay a lot of attention to it. That's the thing. I think I enjoy this about probably as much as anyone that I've ever seen. And I think it's because there's also so little dialogue that I didn't really have to engage my brain. And there was never a part that was like, oh, I've got to go and look up who that person

is. Because I know they're nobody. I tried that a couple of times. It went nowhere. Turns out the guy playing David was more famous as a stuntman. That didn't come through in this film. They didn't do any of the acting. So yeah, I think I enjoyed this a lot.

I was very much sort of switch the brain off, which I think we all needed. Yeah. Yeah. That's what we were going for. Yeah. So that's going to do it for our review of David versus Goliath Battle of Faith. But that's how I can do it for the episode just yet because we still need to do all this shit again next week.

Unfortunately, Eli's not here to tell us what's on deck and he didn't leave it in the dock. So we're going to just, I guess you're going to have to check with us on social media to find out. So with something to look forward to, we're going to bring Episode 482 to a merciful close once again, a huge thanks to Cecil and Mars for helping out today. Be sure to check out the show notes for links to their other stuff and perhaps even a huger thanks to all the patreon donors that help make

the show go. If you'd like to come yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation to patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Scathing Atheist, Citation Needed, D&D Minus, and The Skeptocrat, available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions,

comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email godawfulmoviesatgmail.com. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Selotnik with The Drafts on Mars. All the other musicals written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heath Enright, Neil Ibasnik, AbnoLucian's Promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the Breakfast Club close. The three topless warriors eventually met their match in the shape of a torso-wide melanoma.

Slip Slop Slop kids, cover up. Bathsheba went on to wish that fight had gone the other way. David and his new wife formed a throuple with that giant stone he had a flame with all those years ago. At least that would make sense at least there'd be some reason for the rock to be the fucking movie. Into chess boxing. Makes sense. Is that a real thing? I dare you to google it.

I have and it's awesome. It's awesome Isn't it? What a great idea for a sport. Oh, it's so great. You get to play one game at your full capacity And then you never play it full capacity Yeah, that's cool we were gonna do three gay guys working out together right well so honestly I had this whole sketch that I wanted to write about like out together. Right. Well, so honestly, I had this whole sketch that I wanted to write about, like, channeling your rage over the election into getting fit. And I had all these jokes about how, like, did you know when you do a push up, you're technically pushing America away from you every

time you do it. Jumping jacks, you're jumping on its fucking face. You know, but, but I was just like, FitBot's not gonna, not gonna want that. They're not gonna enjoy that one. Yeah. That's a make good waiting to happen. So I just went with this instead. Maybe it's that the seconds are speeding up for me. So the Trump presidency will be over quicker. Yeah. Yeah. Fast mechanism.

Yeah, exactly. Right. Right. My fucking frame rates. Pet. I'm her whatever. Slow down, I guess. Yeah. All right. Interstitial to. No. Wait. Not interstitial 2. Segment 2, 3. Whatever. Doesn't fucking matter. Morgan knows where we're at. The next bit. Yep, the next bit, chronologically.

Marcia, I didn't hear your 4, but I think I just, I think it just cut out for a second. I can see the little wobble from it. It's definitely there take my word for it. I mean I believe you Well, I work with Eli though, right Eli did you say for you be like, yes, and I'm like, did you really say for you think no and I'm like Why did you not just? So, all right.