God Awful Movies - 483: Proximity

Episode Date: November 19, 2024

This week, Cara Santa Maria joins us for an atheist review of Proximity, the story of what happens when I guy whose really good at credits sequences decides that probably makes him good at writing and directing, too. === Come see us live in Nashville! https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-nashville-tennessee-tickets-997264413707 Check out more from Cara on the Talk Nerdy podcast If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/

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If you or someone you know has concerns about gambling, visit connexontario.ca, T's and Z's apply. But he's 12. Yeah, but she's also 12, though. No, she's like 16. Oh, my God. You know what? It might just be, Kara, is that we're over 40 and everybody looks 12 now. So I'm not over 40. Does she look 12 to you then? I'm young and live. Oh, okay. I can put my

foot behind my head. So I can put my foot behind your head. So but the. You keep going. I'm a terrible bait! It's not even at my chest! Godawful......movie! Welcome back to the Gamecast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema, because in a couple of months, that's where we're going to be getting our national policy agenda. So we should know what it is On your host no illusions is sitting 700 miles to my immediate left. I know I depressed you early Sorry about that, but that sigh came from my good friend Heath and right Heath. Welcome back, sir. This fucking movie and Country I'm gonna be doing a lot of time. Yeah

I get it. And of course saying 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnik. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I appoint this movie head of NASA. Yeah! Hahaha! I'm sorry. Hey, if you're gonna listen to this in the backlogs, well, you probably would not because the power doesn't work anymore. No, right. But that was great. That was a real zinger I nailed.

And sitting about 2,400 miles to my west is the most masochistic of guest masochists and the host of Talk Nerdy Kara Santa Maria. Kara, welcome back. This was like a special Kara torture, this movie. So tell us, Heath, what will we be torturing Kara with today? We watched a feature length film of two goddamn hours called Proximity. It's the story of writing an alien movie

while you're watching Fear and Loathing and you're doing all the drugs along with Hunter S. Like a fucking drinking game. We should do that! That sounds like fun actually. That sounds fun! Yeah, except for the adrenochrome. Yeah.

And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the I wanna believe vagary of the X-Files, but you wish it had the writing acumen of an eight-year-old trying not to lose a game of cops and robbers for Jesus, you will love this movie. I just, I, it's hard to imagine how one would love this movie. Yeah, it's, and... The way this movie fits that in at the end is just like, and it's for Jesus, fuck you.

Jesus! It does, Jesus, right at the end, yeah. And Kara, just sorry. I don't, I didn't have a question or anything, just sorry that you had to suffer through everything that you hate in a movie all at Once for us she missed us Quite possibly the worst one yet. It was really fucking bad So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst out best best masks Oh my god, I hated every single moment of this movie except when some masks pop up.

We'll talk about all the details, but there's a moment when the good guys of the movie foil the bad guys by just wearing very silly masks and sitting still, and I was weeping with laughter. See, I think you were, I thought you were talking about the Android faces. Me too, their masks were epic as well. Those are pretty best worst also. Cause this movie has a pretty, I don't know, I don't want to say it has a very high budget,

but someone who knew After Effects said yes to this movie and their expertise very much stopped at the Android mask. Well, so yeah, but it had a, it didn't have a big budget. It had a shockingly big budget, right? For the quality of the film, you just kept going like, really? You can afford to blow that up, huh? Yeah. They couldn't afford actors. And those people also went to like an eyes wide shut party and had three masks and they

were like, we're fucking using these. So I'm going to go with best worst God of the Gaps fallacy. Okay. Because this whole movie is something, something, something, something, something, something, Jesus! Something, something. It's... And like the whole time I was watching it,

I was like, how is this a God awful movie? There is no religion in this movie until there is for one second, if you blink, you will completely miss it. Yeah. So I was looking through IMDB at one religion in this movie until there is for one second. If you blink, you will completely miss it. Yeah. So I was looking through IMDB at one point in this movie and I saw that someone was credited as Jesus and I'm just like, what? Okay. What? And the whole time I'm watching the movie, I'm like, fucking what? And yeah, yeah. All right. So I've actually gone back and forth on this.

I was going to do best worst androids, but I assume that's what Heath was talking about So instead I went with best worst Pacing oh sure This movie is two hours long and like honestly like like we talk all the time about how you could cut this movie down to 18 Minutes or whatever, but like this movie should have been in about an hour and 26 There are so many useless fucking scenes where the movie is like slapping its legs and standing up and going well, yeah Jesus Christ this was boring. Yeah, and I am gonna go with sort of a more thematic overall note I'm gonna go with best worst movie that gets interrupted by a significantly worse movie

Here's the argument I want to make to you. The first, I'm gonna say, 55 minutes of this movie are pretty well shot, not very well acted, standard alien abduction movie. And then it quite literally gets side tackled by kids yelling, pew pew pew, I got you, I got you. The most amazing thing is that that kept happening. Right, like so it was like every like half of it, it was like a Zeno's stupidity system that they wrote this movie.

So an hour and it gets way stupider and then 30 minutes after that, it's like, oh wow, that's even dumber. And then 15 minutes, it was like, wow, even dumber. And then seven and a half minutes, just did that all the way up to the end. Indeed. Had the golden ratio In a way in a way Eli though it gets interrupted by significantly better movie

Yes, yeah Yeah I was having more fun in the latter half when the movie was stupid Oh, then I was in the first entire half of the movie where I was just like Because I think we've called an audible like three times in the history of this podcast and I got like 40 minutes in and I Was like, I don't know Might have to send a bunch of sad face texts over to care But it came through

Okay, I want wanna change my theory about the fear and loathing thing. It was like that, but what Eli said makes a little more sense. With the kids yelling pew, pew, pew, it felt like somebody wrote an hour of this movie, like a grownup, not a good grownup, but a grownup. And then the next day was take your kids to work day,

and everybody's kids got to be a writer that day And like there was no compromising. So like one kid was like I want fucking masks and they were like, yeah. All right Fine. I want the light bikes from tron and they were like, yeah Okay, we'll put that in. All right. I want lava blood and they're like, uh, what? Then the homeschool kid was like and it should be about Jesus They were like, all right God damn it. Give you one second of full about Jesus. Billy got light bikes. I want Jesus All right, you just you just spoiled the entire movie you did you have like nothing left to talk about Wow

You know what podcast listener? episode over We did it. Jesus. All right. So with the promise that we're going to get dumber as we go, we're going to take a quick break before we dive into all the loosely assembled cliches that are proximity.

Seriously? Not even mashed potatoes? Nope. Come on. Hey guys. Where's Kara? Oh yeah. So Eli put the wrong ads in the script when we recorded this episode

So we're recording this the night before release by ourselves. Heath. I mean the other room doing Famous people applaudies. Thank you. Okay, so but so what was the matter? Oh, it's podcast averse Thanksgiving I'm trying to figure out how to feed everyone but we all have such different diets I mean, did you know Carl is keto now? Really? Well, why don't you try Factor? What's Factor? Okay, so you only agreed to show up for the point. I am here. That is all the matters. Whether you like routine or you enjoy mixing things up, Factor has you covered with 35 different delicious meals every week. I don't know Noah. A meal kit? I've got enough cooking coming up as it is. Not with Factor you don't. Factor's fresh never frozen meals are ready to heat and eat in just two minutes.

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while your subscription is active. All right, thanks Noah. Hey, who is this bags of pleasant looking food for? That's a inside out little girl. Got it, yeah, that tracks. Right? So thoughtful. Hey, special effects guys, you got a second?

Hey boss, what's up? So it's about your work on this new movie we're making. Proximity? Oh yeah, that one's going to be awesome! Totally awesome. Right. Have you guys read the script? Uh, not really. No. Yeah, I read the pages we worked on.

Right, right. Okay, so this is actually what I wanted to talk to you about. This movie is a slow and quiet meditation on the importance of belief. With... Androids in it? Well, yes, it has androids, but really, we want this to be about people looking inward. Inward, and hopefully finding their higher power. You mean like the superpowers that the main character has? Higher power?

No, no, More like Jesus. Jesus? Yes. Like the Christ? Jesus. Okay. Look, I don't want to note a note, but do you think maybe the fact that the movie has androids and superpowers is what's taking away from your message rather than the special effects?

No, no. I think it's you guys. Oh, okay. Well, we will tone it down. Yeah, we'll tone it down. Awesome guys. Thanks so much. No problem.

Jesus. Sorry, note a note? Is that a thing? Yeah, it's like when you respond to feedback with feedback about the feedback. Oh, got it You do that Jerry. I do not you just you say everything mean so he's noting a note right? Thank you. Okay. Yeah got it Can't say I'm not because then I'd be noting that note And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna open up with some like pilot seeing a UFO audio over the logos, right? Well, pilot seeing something.

Yeah, right. Pilot following a raindrop on a camera very aggressively. It's not identified yet. It's also not flying, but still, yeah. What's amazing is whenever like they try and play this audio for us to show that like UFOs are everywhere See, this is a real thing And I don't even know if this is real audio like I doubt they could have just had someone record this on grainy tape And I would know the difference but like whenever they play it the person's so obviously unbothered because pilots see shit

They don't understand all the time. They're in a moving jet demo plane don't understand all the time. They're in a moving jetimo plane. Yes. Yes. Exactly. And so, but that eventually resolves on a bunch of loggers wrapping up a hard day of logging in Alaska in 1979. Ah.

The good old days. Those are some cool trucks, aren't they? Yeah. Man, their trucks were cool. The vehicles looked so much better back then. Cars the size of a Ukrainian tank. Yeah, yeah. They cut back to the pilots for a second here, and one of them is like,

I have a needle thing on one of my things that moved. That is aliens. I would like to nuke them now. Yeah. It's not great. Yeah, because there's like a, the whole time there's like a guy on a microphone at like mission control picking up weird readings or something as this is going on. Yeah, he's like, I'm detecting activity in the outer rim of something.

The outer rim. But like, yeah. What? Of the frame that you're looking at? Yeah. So, but then the logging guy, they're driving away from their logging site and the radio is not working. There's two trucks, like one following the other.

And the guy who's following, his radio stops working. And then suddenly the truck in front of him just floats up in the air and Then falls back down It's the best yeah Okay, I really wanted it to cut up to the alien me in the ship being like oh no I dropped it he he's come take the tractor Be trusted with this thing. We practiced on the claw machine so much, but I got nervous.

Are they okay? Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God. So anyway, so he gets out of the truck and he makes a run for it. But the UFO is right above him in a very he's right behind me kind of a moment, right? Yeah, he like he makes a run for the UFO, it looks like. He's running towards it. I will say that the aliens will operate exclusively in, he's right behind me, isn't he, tactics?

They do, don't they? For the entire film. They do. And so suddenly he's getting violently beamed up and he's resisting and I'm like, what muscle would you clinch? How do you do that? Relax, dude!

It's a tractor! You're trying to grab the sides of the carrier like a cat? There's no carrier, man. We definitely knew about tractor beams in 1979. You'd be like, oh, it's a tractor beam. Yeah. Right. So, okay.

So then the title rolls in, like it's running late, right? It's so far back there and we zoom in and it also it has a very like trapper keeper look to it. Yeah. This is we talk about it a little bit in that first interstitial that everyone just heard but like I felt like the SFX guys and the authors of this movie never met, right? Because the SFX guys were doing like a fun, cool sci-fi film, and this movie is a boring, skinny man staring into the middle of the distance.

BOTH LAUGH It's also really confusing what they mean by the present day. Yeah. Because I looked, and this movie came out in 2020. Yes. But it's like weirdly stuck in 1992. It is definitely. Well, and the other thing is the movie would make sense if it was in 1982, right? Like the weird absence of cell phones in the movie, the fact that all the fucking computers have CRTs, the fact that

the guys carrying a goddamn camcorder around, except that occasionally they'll just say like, you know Hide your cell phone or whatever and they say that it's modern-day But yeah, yeah, it was bizarre and the kid we meet here The main character is riding a like a huffy diamond back with pegs Yeah to work it was like the bike that I wanted but my family couldn't afford but my friends had when I was a kid in 1992 it was too busy being snapped up by NASA scientists. Thank you for saying kid because he's like 12. He looks 12.

It's the weirdest casting. Sick Marsh. Are we talking about Sick Marsh? Yes, we're talking about Sick Marsh. Oh, that's funny. You know what you know who I realized halfway through the film he looks exactly like? DJ Qualls? Tig Notaro.

Oh my god! He does though. I don't know that I'm comfortable with you talking about Tig Notaro that way, Kara. I'm so sorry. I don't know that I can... Tig Notaro with like a Hawks Adam app or a Vultures Adams app. Totally. Yeah, but he has lesbian comedian energy throughout this entire film. Yes, Tig Notaro who has swallowed an eight ball but will refuse to admit it.

Yes, there you go. And also, so I have to credit some unknown IMDB author for pointing this out. He works at JPL, so he goes to work at JPL. They have legit misspelled the word propulsion on the goddamn sign they made for JPL. Incredible. That's like Mike Pence putting up the letters spelling it wrong. Just touching everything. Dan Quayle standing behind him. I don't think that's spelled right.

Yeah. We're just defunding all this. We're going into JPL and they're all science thing very hard. And I was like, am I wrote my notes? Well, at least they don't have fucking beakers. I can't. But so he comes in, this character's name is Isaac. They'll tell us that in like 25 fucking minutes. But Isaac comes in and his buddies like, I bet you can't type the typing. And so they have this weird moment where they try to out nerd

each other on the computer. Oh my God. It's so funny. I wrote, Hey, could someone exposit what you're doing? And then the Kara Santa Maria character, the girl with glasses walks in and is like, Hey, what are you doing? I'm just here to ask men what they're doing. It's true.

Her entire role in this film is just walking around with a clipboard reading the same page on the clipboard all day long. Yeah. It's a tough job, but yeah, she will literally just, she had never is attributed any scientific ability. They are super geniuses who bounce audio files around space as part of their chess game. And she's like, and you're not as you weren't in work yesterday. Okay, done.

Yeah, she just, she's just doing a really hard sudoku like the whole time That's her whole job. So now we should point out here that their whole stupid fucking Shoehorned in thing of trying to find the audio on the satellite That's just there so they can see a weird mysterious signal from Canada that no one can explain Yeah, hey stay tuned everybody in an hour and 58 minutes from Canada that no one can explain. Oh. Yeah. Hey, stay tuned everybody. In an hour and 58 minutes, that will be relevant to the movie maybe, kind of. Yeah, sort of, yeah.

But he works late that night. We see the clock whir into the future. He's working late at night when suddenly a mysterious computer signal comes in. That will also matter in about an hour and 58 minutes. Yeah. And the computer pops up with a window that just says receiving data, which that feels a little vague for like that's what computers just always do.

It's just like computering now still computing. Yeah. Yeah. The movie definitely wants to make a moment of it like computers never do anything they're not supposed to do. But anyone who has ever worked with a computer would just be like, I don't know, X. Yeah, right. Right. So he's logging in remotely or something. Right. Right. So, but that's very important. So then we get a very quick moment where he's in therapy and his therapist

is recommending that he keep a video diary with his giant, ridiculous camcorder. Hey, do you have a 475 pound camera you could just lug around with you to sort of bookend this movie? I do. Oh, well then get with it. For my mental health? You think that's a good idea? Yeah, yeah. Sure, why the fuck not?

Super helpful. Starting a podcast, great for mental health. Let me tell you. Let me tell you. It's awesome. I recommend it to all my patients. So then we get some shots where there's like a meteor burning its way through the atmosphere behind LA, but nobody notices because they're all very busy.

You know? Okay. Again, what was this in the movie? We never find out what this meteor was. It's the alien spaceship. It's the UFO arriving. You didn't put that together? It's the main part of the movie. This is the whole device. This is the aliens. It's the UFO arriving. You didn't put that together? It's the main part of the movie that's happening. This is the whole device. It's the inciting incident of the movie. Let me explain for my own, but first of all. Okay, what did you think it was? I so here's my question is I thought the ship like crashed or something. No, it just came in hot. Well, I think it's entry into the atmosphere. I think is what's happening, right? Yeah, that's it's burning That's what happens when things enter. Apparently everyone got a meme. Question withdrawn, everybody. All right. So, yeah, but so he just happens to be...

You idiot. Piece of shit. So, but Isaac just happens to be up on a hill doing his video diary when that media rumbles by. And again, here's one of these moments that we're talking about. Like we're like lost in time. Like we didn't need a fucking therapist. We didn't need a video diary. We needed an excuse why a young person would be talking into a camera. Right? Like everybody does that all the fucking time now. Yeah, but apparently the writers of the film don't think

that's true because later when they're like, why were you talking into a camera? That's weird. Nobody does that. He had no response. Right. So yes, but he's the only person in LA that notices the meteor. And then once he's noticed it, everybody else is allowed to notice it in a big dramatic reveal. But it happens to like, it's coming like right at him, I guess.

And right hot on its heels is a fucking fighter jet and a cop with a bunch of humvees. Yeah, okay. So it seems like, you know, intergalactic space traveling aliens would land better, first of all. And also, you know, somewhere else, anywhere but like right next to the biggest city in the United States. Felt like a weird pick. Yeah, these aliens are extremely sloppy. Well, so but these aliens are coming for him specifically, sort of stupidly later. But yeah, so but he decides he sees all the cops coming in.

He's like, I better hide from them. So he hides from them. Which is a great way to get shot by guys with guns, by the way. Also, he's wearing a white shirt and he's carried around this giant 1987 camcorder and it's like red. It's like bright red. I'm like, how the fuck would they not notice you running through the goddamn woods? Well, he's like, I'm going to go hide with the aliens, obviously.

Yeah, right. So he sneaks up on the flying saucer and it's spinning super fucking fast. We haven't mentioned that yet the whole time. Why are UFOs always spinning the whole time? They're not always. I feel like this one was spinning more so than usual. We haven't mentioned that yet the whole time. Why are UFOs always spinning the whole time? They're not always. I feel like this one was spinning more so than usual. Part of the tech. I just want one cut to the aliens vomiting inside like they're in a car.

Right! Yeah, they're all in the scrambler inside. Stuck to the wall. There has to be a better way! Their hair's all kooky. If you vomit next to me, it goes into my mouth. It goes out a little bit and then snaps right back in. So then we get... You can die. I know somebody who died. I know somebody who told me about somebody who died. You

don't know somebody who died Mark Lahr. It was third hand. So but then we get the first of the movie's alien jump scares right because he's standing there staring at the UFO and then we kind of like, he moves and the alien was right behind him the whole time. Okay, but can I say that the alien kind of has, and I think it's just special effects or whatever, the alien has the attitude that I have when I realize I'm walking behind a woman alone at night, right? Which is like, oh, I want to communicate to this person that I don't want to scare them, but talking too loud too fast is a part of the scaring. So I'll...

Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem.

Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem.

Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. They just made him blink. And like in that scene where he's standing right behind the 12 year old NASA engineer, I'm like, wow, they have like the same body type. They do. Yeah, they do. Very high asses, him and this alien. Very slim. And so he turns around and he like very

surreptitiously kind of turns on his camera recorder where he's like, I'm just going to push this button right over here. I hope nobody... Yeah. He just starts filming the silent alien who's staring at him, and then the alien's like, dude, you're making it weird. All right.

Yeah! I'm going to take off. Look, I don't know how aware aliens are of our technology, but maybe don't take the thing that has an end and point it at the alien and push the button just in case they're not super familiar in the difference between camcorders and I don't know, guns or laser weaponry. I'd at least want to do like a, I'm going to film this, this won't hurt you, I think. Yeah, right.

So yeah, but then the alien leaves and so Isaac runs more, but then there's a flash of blue light. And then suddenly we're in outer space, but it's like, colorized Hubble style. We're in Hubble space. Yeah, we're like inside of nebulas. Yeah. But that's not what they look like from the inside. No, it just looks like stars.

It's so funny. It's just space. It's very clearly someone saw like space pictures on Twitter and they were like, wow, that's what the universe looks like. Yeah. I want to be in that part of the space. It looks like where the Care Bears go to like smoke pot. Right.

Yes. So we see that for a second and then the news comes out and it's just like, it's just a meteor, just a meteor just a meteor no big deal the news person says meteor and then they're like also known as a space rock in Is it though? Well, yeah carry is that the official science term space rock? Yeah Is that what you guys call it is a space rock?

Sure, okay comet there we go and so it's an asteroid. Good journalism. Who's the stupid one now, you comic. I hope you fucking die. At least I don't film women when I come up behind them on the street. You're supposed to film them, they like it. But by the way, it wouldn't be a meteor if it landed, it would be a meteorite. And it wouldn't be a space rock. It would be a rock from space, but now it's on Earth. No, it's an Earth rock now. Yeah, exactly. I'm sorry you didn't let me finish. I was gonna say the same thing. Thank you, Kara. Exactly. You lie in your face. I'm not stupid. Although it's not really a meteorite because it was a flying saucer. And there's nothing there. There's no remnants, which we learned here.

Stop changing it! We learned that though. Which is what we learned here. We cut to JPL because you know, they're usually the hands on meteor guys when there's a meteorite to be examined, they take it to JPL. So we go to the JPL when they're going like, we got to go get some rock samples, but there are no rocks to sample, right? And by the way, there's nothing about that is true. What you just said.

Nope. Yeah. It's so funny. They're the jet propulsion. Why the fuck would they be getting rock samples? Yeah, right. Why the fuck would they be getting rock samples? Yeah, exactly.

Granted, it was right next door. And in a hurry, too. I guess the nearest science guy goes into cancer. They're grabbing Tupperware out of the break room and shit. Yeah, and this specific lab is supposed to be analyzing it. That's not what this lab does. They were doing satellite shit earlier. They're not chemists. They're physicists. This is so confusing.

And then, okay, we cut to three days later. Isaac suddenly wakes up. He's just like out in the fucking woods somewhere. He wakes up and his camera is sitting right next to him. Yeah. So he takes a look at it. He sees the footage that he took earlier of the alien. And we and apparently he took a little bit of footage of himself getting zipped away with the tractor beam. Yeah, I wrote in my notes. Oh, man. Isaac got to watch more of the movie than we did.

I really wanted him to run out of battery right there when he was trying to watch it. That would've been fun. Oh yeah. But okay, question. The aliens zipped him into a ship or something, right? We see him get levitated for a second and then they let him go with his camera? Yes. Yep.

Is that the idea? Yep. So these aliens want to be discovered? Very unclear. Great question about the film as a whole. Well, there is kind of a weird meta thing later, and I'm probably reading too deeply into this, where they're like, it doesn't matter how much evidence you have.

Yes. Because you have to have faith or something. Oh, it's like reality now. Yeah. Exactly. But also, and this will come back later, he can feel something interesting, like something wrong in his arm after his abduction.

Yeah, because they tagged him like a migrating bird. Exactly, yeah. They'll only show us 97 shots of Isaac looking at his arm and going, owie, to communicate that to us. Don't worry, everybody. Right. So he goes home, but ominously, right? He's looking at his arm like he's expecting webs to shoot out of it.

And then he disappears his TV with his mind. Yeah, cause he has powers now. By the way, his apartment is so embarrassing. Yes, yes it is. Everything about this guy. And I'm Heath Enright saying that. All right, so, but then we see him bamf his TV away and then it bamfs back. So now he has the ability to turn TVs invisible. He looks around, he's like, oh, what else

could I do? Oh, how about the camcorder that has all the evidence of my alien encounter? This is what I wrote this in my notes. They said I would not practice my zoop powers on my evidence of aliens. I would maybe focus on like a pencil, an Olive Garden breadstick. Those are unlimited. Yeah. You don't have to worry about us. Not for Renette. But don't worry, he bamfs it back. This is the part where I don't really even understand the device. Like, because later, I mean, this is going to be used a lot, but he's invisibling things. Well, I don't know.

Because he sticks his hand in liquid air where the TV was. Right. So they will be super unclear about what power he has and it'll be super inconsistent throughout the movie. He has some kind of magic from the aliens, but he's doing the dumbest shit with it and the aliens must be watching, being like,

dude, you gotta do better stuff. We gave you like the whole thing. Did you guys not show him phase two? He's just making be watching being like dude. You gotta do you gotta do better stuff We gave you like you guys not show him phase two He's just making it invisible to only because honestly what I construct and we'll go through the movie and we'll talk about it What I believe the power he demonstrates here is making things invisible to him to himself Well, right, right except that he also puts his hand into the space where the TV was Except that he also puts his hand into the space where the TV was. It's true. Right? So like, I think we're supposed to believe that he's shifting dimensions somehow.

That's what I think. I think later when we get to the stuff later that that's what's happening. It's like a dimensional shift. It's still, again, they're super duper unclear about it. Yeah. Okay. So then he goes to see a doctor about his alien abduction. This is possibly the best scene in this movie.

This doctor is bad at doctoring. Okay. I literally wrote my notes. I'm going to ask Kara what a real doctor would do here. I feel like it's none of this. Yeah. He says, well, you know, we took an x-ray of your arm and we're like, why? He didn't break his arm.

You just guessed? And before that he's like, okay, you're fine, except you're dehydrated. So you need sleep? What? That's not the solution to that problem. You have a waterbed, right? You're tired, so let me get you a drink. What the fuck is wrong with you, man?

So yeah, but he says, but we looked at your arm and there's a you can see here on the x-ray There's a break in your phone and it's almost perfectly straight. I brought along a regular break to show you why that's weird Sorry, what is the word straight me? Oh, yeah. Okay. Got it. Yeah, it's very strange He literally is like was your arm ever cut off and reattached? Yeah, right Are you sure cuz sometimes when you get a, you have a lot to drink. And he actually looks at the skin and he's like, ooh, so even though it's been cut off clean, there's no swelling and there's no scar tissue. Hmm. This is a magic arm break. Instead of being like, oh, that perfect line on your film is probably an artifact. So we need to image you.

Yes, exactly. That would be what any other doctor would do. OK. There was a hair on the machine. And it made it look like there's a line across your bone. You go to a doctor and you're like, yeah, I'm pretty sure I got abducted by aliens. My arm feels weird. And I forget three entire days.

The doctor is going to be like, oh, you ate mushrooms by accident, right? Like that's the answer. Right. The answer is you're dehydrated so you need rest. Well yeah, I guarantee that no matter what happened he wouldn't be like, so go ahead and leave I'll call you in a few days I'm gonna look some shit up I guess I'm gonna learn some new shit. I'm gonna jerk off to this x-ray. That is what he said. He's like I'm gonna just some new shit. I'm gonna jerk off to this X-ray. That is what he said. He's like, I'm gonna just look at these longer. Wait, what? Are you gonna... Something will come to me. I really wanted the end credits to be interrupted by a mid-credits scene

of this doctor just sweatily staring at the X-ray. No! Still nothing. So then we cut to him showing up at work. He goes to the other nerd that he was satellite friending with or whatever, and he's like, hey, I got to show you my new magical powers. And he grabs a cup and I'm like, yeah, there you go. Olive Garden breadstick. That makes fucking sense.

He grabs a cup, sets it on the table. And for a long time, we think that the powers are going to Michigan Jay frog his ass. Oh, so good. I was so excited for that. But then he does disappear the glass. But he only disappears it for him, right? Cause the other guy goes like, what do you mean this glass? And he picks it up and it reappears.

Yeah. This is like really inconsistent. Yeah. Yeah, at this point I was like, okay, you can make things only disappear for you? That's a really funny prank by the aliens to give you what you think is a magic power. Yeah, sure. That's what the aliens should give you what you think is a magic power. Yeah, sure.

That's what the aliens should do. They should just give us bullshit powers. But then like, okay, but that's not a bullshit. If I could say, what if it works through like the gray stuff on the front of a scratch off ticket? Right? There are uses for the being able to see through shit is all I'm saying. This is why we keep you around no illusions because you're going to hack those super powers,

those bullshit super powers. Right? Yeah, exactly. And winning the lottery is pretty good, but you could start a restaurant maybe and use the powers for that. I don't know. There's a lot of things you could do. Sure. OK. So, but then he's like, oh, OK, you can't see my turn of shit invisible power. I also have video. So he shows him the video.

Yeah. Why didn't he lead with that? You would think you'd lead with the fucking video. I would lead with the alien video. And the way he shows them the video is by hooking it up to like a Mac monitor from 1996. Yeah, again, if this mate like why would he never just put this video on a phone and just be showing people a phone? He's like he likes to make some looks through the eye piece of his camcorder and shit. Yeah, the whole time.

Great idea would be taking the video with a phone and then it's on the phone. Yeah, so it would just be on the phone the whole fucking time. In 2020. And Science Friend is wildly unimpressed by this, by the way. He's like, oh, you got some footage of an alien. Cool. So I was talking to Christine and it turns out she is dating someone. I know.

She doesn't talk about her home life. It's crazy. Yeah, but no. And this guy is just, nerd friend is so stupid. He's just like, huh, how would a meteor, an alien and three missing days of your life connect? Hold on a second. It'll come to me.

And also this is where he learns that it's been three days, right? He goes, wait, three days. And I'm like, you didn't notice the date when you went to the fucking doctor? Oh yeah. And also like he was abducted on a Saturday. Yes. They mentioned that it's a Saturday. So it's like he thought he was going to work Sunday.

Right. He thought everybody was just at JPL chilling on a fucking Sunday. Sorry, I've been gone for three business days. So then, but girl nerd, this is Greta, I think is the character's name. I had to look it up on IMDb. They don't fucking tell you shit like that. She comes in to explain that something about this meteor crater doesn't add up. Oh, yeah. Wait, this movie doesn't pass the Bechdel test. Oh, no. No.

There's only two women in the whole movie and they are never in the same scene together. No, that's true. Yeah in the whole movie and they are never in the same scene together. No. That's true. Yeah. Oh yeah. It doesn't even come close. Wow.

Didn't even try. Yeah. So, and then they have this weird moment where they're like, hey, you know, should I tell Greta about my alien thing? She's like, no, no, she's a girl. She doesn't know about aliens. She doesn't know any science. She's just here because of the glasses.

She's still working the numbers out. The numbers are a little gritty. Yeah, right. She's, when she finishes the Sudoku. Her name's Greta. She's a girl. She's a girl. She's just here because of the glasses. I told you. She's still working the numbers out. The numbers are a little bit... Yeah, right. She's... Now, when she finishes the Sudoku...

Her name's Greta. But yeah, but she says at this point, she says something about like, yeah, I wish we could get one of our videos to go viral on Science Magazine, because that's where everybody goes for all their great science videos. Kara, are you aware of the great sciencemagazine.com traffic going on these days? It's insane. Hot on that topic. There's one million people that watch the video.

Mostly feet. Alien feet. Mostly feet on there. So yeah, but so then we watch him go upload his video to science.com or whatever. We watch him upload his, we watch him look his PAM quarter to his computer and then drop that into a, we watch like a nine step process. There's coax cables and adapters. It's a lot.

Yeah. This is an important note for the entire film. Yeah. Everything that happens in this movie, we watch in real time. Happen all the way. Yep. Well, again, the pacing is insane. Even the made up science stuff, they do unnecessary steps that you don't need to do because you're

making it up. Right. Right. Yeah. But like the way this scene is made by a competent filmmaker is that she says, you know, science.com, that's where everybody really goes to the video. And then we just see him like kind of have an idea. And then we cut to him having uploaded the video

and watching the view numbers go up, right? Kara, is this how it works when you want to publish something important in Science Magazine? You upload it and then they have to put it on their magazine and you've now told that story, done that study? Yes, especially when you make sure that the heading is real alien in all caps. Yes good. Yep It's how a rfk jr.. Plans to run the department You'll upload all of the science and whale

Yeah onto science.com And are you guys gonna say that joke that's you do well you guys have made me depressed again God damn. I'll get it cuz their bones are so brittle Was this when there were day walkers, yeah, that's what the joke Eli's Cara you're gonna be disarmed. What are you gonna do? What do you mean? What am I gonna do? cages everywhere No, cuz she could bite through a man's rib cage Oh God, I did not even put that together. I need to keep your eye on the lore document

I messaged you. Yeah, you were actually talking about you know my real job as a science communicator I want I want this as a D&D character sheet that we use with all of All right, so so meanwhile at the news There's a reporter lady and she's being told about this awesome new video of alien footage on the internet It's like we should do a story on this. Yeah by the resident like Office, bro. Yeah He's like not this one looks real. Yeah, so the resident, like, office bro. Yeah. He's like, no, this one looks real. Yeah.

So she calls Isaac. I have a fleece vest. Apparently Isaac's phone number, his cell phone is listed. Right? Well, that's the rules of science.com. You put your video of aliens, your personal cell phone number, and your blood type. So she calls him. She's like, I want to do a story about your alien video.

And then he checks his views over 800,000 views. That's like one one billionth of a cat. It's not very hot. I mean, it's like I'd be happy with that. But yeah, it's not all that. Yeah. So but then he checks his inbox and it's filled with interest in his alien story, but then he checks the YouTube YouTube comments and some of them are not being very nice at all, right? Yeah, this this was fun. Hey Sarah forever who tells him to kill himself. You're welcome on this podcast

She gets it So yeah, there's this big montage of like him getting attention and stupid fucking drip of dopamine for his dumb video him getting attention and stupid fucking drip of dopamine for his dumb video. But then it ends with a bunch of atheists in the comments being like, you're lying. And I was like, okay. Well done. I'm happy how they ended that.

Wait, was it really the one who was like, you should jump off a bridge or whatever? Was that really Sarah Forever? Sarah Forever. This is so confusing. Cause one of the characters name is Sarah. Why would you choose the name Sarah? Right, yeah, I know.

It could be literally anybody else. Any other name would have done. Yeah. Now in my head, candidate was her. Yeah. I was just playing both sides. So now, so he's heading to work. His phone number is, his phone is just blowing up with people calling him about interviews for his alien thing. There's, there's fucking graffiti on the wall that says aliens existens Exist, for some reason.

Right, because this is the only alien video that's ever been uploaded to the internet, apparently. It's just like a lazy tag right there, Aliens Exist, right? Yeah. I feel like you get a little more creative than that. We gotta take this to the streets. Aliens are fuck, I'm out.

How do I do the fancy S? So like I said, now it's time for him to interview with Christine, the reporter lady. My favorite character in the movie. She's great. I want this character in all movies forever. Just like barely being able to not laugh at the idiot who's talking to her. Exactly, yes. Yeah, so she says, okay, so why don't you tell us your story at length? And he says really? Because the people watching the movie already saw it. Why would I talk you through it in detail now in the film? That makes no fucking sense. But they do. And then she goes, well, isn't it convenient

that you just happen to have a camera with you? And I'm like, yeah, who would have a camera in 2020? Right. And then we get the part that Carol was talking about. She was like, well, I was documenting myself. And she says, is that something that people really do? And I'm like, is it 2020? Yeah. Instead, he responds like a sovereign citizen right outside a police station. Like, I'm allowed to film myself. My name is lowercase letters.

And she, again, is sort of very skeptical. She's like, okay, so like, a quick question. Did you make this video on your computer or is faster than light speed travel possible? Which of those do you think is... And well, yeah, right. And he goes, hummina, hummina, hummina. I didn't think of this. And she goes, all right, well, you're probably full of shit.

Back to the real news. Right? Also, by the way, she introduces him as a local resident Isaac. But then later in the interview talks about how he's an engineer at JPL. You would think that she would introduce him as that. Right. Sure. That would give him more weight.

And also, by the way, I have interviewed so many JPL scientists and engineers, they would never have allowed this interview. Well, yeah, right, right. Absolutely. Their media people are so careful. Because they're in on it. Exactly, Karen. Exactly, yeah. Weather Jews. I see. So he's going rogue.

Yeah, that's it. He's going rogue. All right. Well, Isaac needs a minute to recover, so we're gonna take another break, but we'll be back in a minute with even more... Proximity. Hey, Noah, you got a second? Hey, Eli. Hey, Heath, what's up? So, we were thinking, maybe we could give you our Christmas gifts a little early? I mean, sure, if you guys wanted to. Okay, great. So, we thinking an original Gallagher cabinet.

Wow, guys, that's amazing. Is it here already or? Oh, sorry. No, we were just thinking of it because you know how they say it's the thought that counts. Also, we can't afford real presents this year. Well, guys, if you wanna save money for the holidays, why don't you try rocket money? Oh, you mean like rescue the stranded astronauts for a big reward?

Believe me, we've been thinking about it. I have a catapult drawing and everything. It's pretty good. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitor your spending and help lower your bill so you can grow your savings. With Rocket Money, you can see all your subscriptions in one place and know exactly where your money is going. For any you don't want anymore, Rocket Money can help you cancel them with a few taps.

Amazing. It sure is. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in cancelled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all the app's features. Alright, Noah. I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash awfulmovies. That's rocketmoney.com slash awfulmovies.

Rocketmoney.com slash awfulmovies. Thanks Noah. Christmas is saved. So you guys are going gonna get me the cabinet? I mean, we already, we got you the thought. Right. Sure. I think those astronauts might die up there. They're not gonna die up there.

They might. Hello and welcome back to Skeptical News. I'm Cara Santa Maria. Joining me today is Isaac Cypress. Isaac, welcome to the program. Thanks for having me, Cara. So Isaac, you claim to have been abducted by aliens. And I think what the folks at home want to know is, are you mentally ill or are you a

liar? Sorry, what? Well, are we using a person in need of mental health care in front of a camera or are we giving you exactly what you want? Which one is it? No, I got abducted by aliens. No, you did not. I did though. So like Einstein was wrong?

I don't understand what that has to do. You sure don't. So you know E equals MC squared? I have heard that, yeah. Right. So the aliens would have to travel faster than light. And since Einstein's math probably wasn't wrong, you're either lying or you are mentally ill. Which one is it? Mentally ill? Yeah, there you go.

OK, next up, a new weight loss secret, having different genes than the ones in your body. So this character is just like Kara post-election then? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with a quick montage of people on the news, not accepting the reality of his video. Well, not all of them.

The exo biologist believes in him, Noah. Yeah, they had a one moment with it on the news. There's a cosmologist and an exo biologist duking it out. And I'm like, I fucking wish. But this montage goes on endlessly, right. Goes on for fucking ever. And it ends with Isaac starting to Google alien abductions so that he can hear from like other, like, I guess his people now. Yep. He finds a bunch of people talking about having pain in their arms after their abduction. I feel like this is the most accurate part of the movie is

when they show the podcast, bros. Okay. I thought it was a little too real. I thought it was Too much too much neck beard. That's accurate. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, some of those people love you Kara We don't all look like Tim pool yeah, I mean I do and so does Heath a lot but that Beyond right now, but not always. Noah's hair is longer than ours, and that makes him different looking. I'm different. So he sees that like a bunch of people are talking about arm pain. So he ultimately he reaches out to Truthseeker5 on the internet.

And I'm like, oh, that's never a good idea, man. Never reach out to Truthseeker5. Hold on. Let me check this attachment from truth seeker five. This is the only time in fiction or in reality anyone's ever reached out to an anonymous person on the internet not for gay sex I wanted the whole web to go down just like we don't know what to do with this new information. So then okay so so he's meeting up with truth seeeker at a diner. He's waiting at the diner for Truthseeker 5 to come in. And then all of a sudden, all the silverware and the plates around him start floating,

but only for him. Okay. Again, if everybody else sees stuff not floating, that's just you hallucinating. That's all that is. Yeah. But then the waitress snaps him out of it, you know, and asks for an order. He'll have a coffee. And that's when the love interest walks in.

Sarah, Truth Seeker 5. Yes. And I noticed in your notes, you noticed this as well, the waitress brings him fucking decaf. Get the fuck out. He didn't say decaf. You assumed decaf? No. If someone asks what you'd like to eat at a diner and you order just a black coffee, you bring them decaf.

No, she is the villain of this movie, goddammit. No, she's just doing her job. Believe women. He looks pretty sweaty and jittery to begin with. That's true. Yeah. Thank you. So, all right, but he's going to show her his alien video through the eyepiece of it.

He's like, hey, look in the eyepiece of my camcorder. And she's like, sure. Can't imagine how that would go wrong. Sarah, that's a terrible idea. Come on, girl. What is this? your first rodeo? Sarah looks weirdly disturbed the entire meeting, too. Yeah.

Like she's it's not a vibe. No, she just looks up and there's shoe polish all around her eye. Idiot. Got you. So but I think what we're supposed to get out of this is that she's worried that he's like an M.I.B. right? Like that he's a government agent trying to rope her in because he knows her UFO story. Oh, really?

Yeah. I think. Yeah, I think that's why she was like shy at first. But he's 12. Yeah, but she's also 12, though. They're hiring them younger and younger these days, Kara. No, she's like 16. Oh, my God. You know what it might just be, Kara,

is that we're over 40 and everybody looks 12 now. So I'm not over 40. Did she look 12 to you then? I'm young in line. Oh, okay. I can put my foot behind my head. So I can put my foot behind your head. So, but it's not even at my chest. I used to be able to put both of my legs behind my, both my feet behind my head. I bet I can't do that anymore. I'm tired.

He was just rolling around like a turtle right now. Yeah, right. Can't get back up. Yeah. That's why I use a headset mic everybody, so you can get this quality audio. So yeah, but so then she sees his alien video and he starts giving us a speed version of an ancient aliens youtube video It's just it's joe rogan speed debating about the moon landing and yes, yeah, exactly just gish gallop Yeah, you mean white house prex secretary

People are gonna love it when I call that one. Yeah, right. The minister of truth, Joe Rogan. As long as it's not Alex Jones, I got to be happy. I got to take what I can get. The onion owning Alex Jones is the fucking greatest thing amidst the darkness. It's amazing. Yes.

They're even given knowledge. Fight the fucking desk, dude. Yeah, I love it. I absolutely love it. So but she goes to leave and he goes, hey, so call me if you want to be the love interest later. And she's like, yeah, okay. And then she's out. Yep. Then we briefly cut to an old guy in the woods, fiddling with his old timey radio and looking at his yarn and push pins, bulletin board, right? Right. He'll come back later.

But then we cut back to Isaac getting a call from Sarah, the love interest. She has found the story of the alien abduction from the cold open. Mm-hmm, yep. Right, the guy with the trucks in Alaska or whatever. And she's like, this seems like it's important. He goes, why?

And she's like, well, cause it was the beginning of the movie. I mean, obviously it has some significance. Otherwise, why would they have shown that to us? You're not watching the cold open. Duh. Duh. This is where she tells us that they can't be lying because they all passed lie detector tests.

Yes. Oh my god, the lie detector tests. I had this thought for the first time, because I hadn't thought about lie detector tests in a really long time. If lie detector tests were real, wouldn't we use them all the time? For every fucking thing. Sadly we do. Like the CIA uses them all the time.

Yeah, no. They were used way too fucking much. But yes, no. I know they're... And they're useful in some ways. Yeah, but aren't they using them because they know how stupid the people they're interrogating are? Right, right. Yes, exactly. You can make someone say no, and you can also use them for torture, which is something the CIA does at times. They'll put someone through a six hour test, then they can't leave to go to the bathroom.

Hey, I get that, right? But like, for average everyday people who believe in lie detector tests, wouldn't you be really mad that every courtroom isn't just a lie detector test? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Right, yes, exactly. Yeah. Right. Yes, exactly. If they really fucking were. We waste in this time.

Let's just hook this guy up to the machine that knows what's true and what ain't and see who killed my son once and for all. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So we have it. Also, she says, you know, I found this at the library, but there's nothing about it on the Internet, which is why all the good evidence for aliens isn't available online because the men in black are scrubbing it y'all. They're scrubbing it from the net. Couldn't they go to libraries

if they have this like big international offering? Maybe they had a few books. I feel like that's something they could do. Right, at that the bathrooms smell weird sir We're not going in there for our information scrub but then we get this bizarre fucking rock-and-roll montage of Isaac making copies of his VHS tape to send to all the alien weirdos on the internet Okay again goes to my argument that like, sound and effects was not reading the script for this movie because this is like, we're gonna turn Paul Giamatti blue

once and for all music. It's weird. The music throughout this whole film is really weird. Yeah, no, it's never appropriate. Never makes sense. Never, at any point. So yeah, so he gets all this stuff. And it's a long montage of him, like addressing envelopes and licking those

envelopes just goes on for fucking ever. Yeah. We're literally watching him write addresses down. Yeah. He doesn't even print them off on his fucking computer. It's compelling. It's a very compelling film. But the music is that he's like magically renovating a new restaurant that's about to fail.

It's so stupid. Right. So then we cut to him like unabombering the cassettes all out to Alex Jones or whatever the fuck. I wrote in my notes, but does he deliver the packages? Oh no. Yeah, he's creepily stuffing a mailbox and then a creepy guy creepily gives him a hand stuffing that mailbox. Yes. Can I say as a pervert who does pervert things and occasionally runs into other perverts and has that nice head nod moment, I felt very seen in this moment.

I'm sure you do. You're mailing back a dildo because you lost it inside your body and another guy at his PO Box they're like, lost it inside your body. You need the flared bottom. It's important. Okay, I genuinely laughed at this scene too. This is one of those few moments. He has to just drop a bunch of packages in a mail thing and he has to then physically

like drop them on the ground because that's going to set up the scene. And the acting is very unconvincing. He's like clearly fake dropping stuff. Yeah. I laughed at that. He's like this sponge is so slippery. I need a better plan. And then a random guy who saw that happening is like, hey bud, you're badly acting an infomercial

for nobody. You want me to help? Does there have to be a better way? So he goes, hey, I recognize you. The guy who's helping with the package, he goes, you're that alien guy from TV. Hey, it just so happens I'm a blogger and I'd like to help you get your story out there. No pressure. And I'm like, Oh, well, that's how you can tell.

He's not really a blogger though. But he's like, no pressure. But here's my card that I have as a blogger. You can come see me in the next scene. Yeah. And my name is Keith Obermann. Keith Obermann? Why?

Keith Ubermensch. Yeah. And he gives big pedo energy, this guy. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sweater vest, everything. Yeah. So he goes to see Keith Obermann, the blogger. We have a long scene where like his secretary calls and make sure he's free

and then he is. And so she walks him up and everything. We watch all of this happen. Right. Yeah. Also, did he forget he was doing a different plot a couple of scenes ago, right? Where he was going to look for the logger guy. Cause it's like the movie got distracted by a squirrel. It's like, oh, oh no, look, there's the reporter guy. And that's what the movie is about. Right, right.

And how is he not a little bit like skeptical? Like, when is the last time that a blogger, you know, had an office for his blogging? Right. In a giant fancy building in downtown LA. Yeah. It was LA? It wasn't even past? Yes, LA. Oh, you're looking for the blogging department here at the New York Times?

Yeah, right. All the way up to the penthouse with you, honey. Right. Ding. Right, so he goes into the blogger's big ass office and the blogger's like, hey, you know what would help with my article would be a lie detector test. Those are infallible in this universe. At this point I was like, oh, the movie's stuck in a recursive loop, right?

Because there's a land and then a lie detector test and then a reporter and then a lie detector test. And I was like, oh, someone is like having an episode while they write out loud into Google. It's pretty bad. Like even the name on the card, I feel like why would they pick the name Keith Obermann? Of a guy! Like I know it's spelled differently, but like it's giving that scene in Family Guy where he's like trying to invent a fake name. And then he's like, P-T-E-R-G-R-I-F-H-E-N. Damn it.

Fuck! So he's like, don't worry, I've got a lie detector test right down the hallway and I'll do a lie detector test and that way we can prove to the world that you're telling the truth, right? Yeah, not only am I a blogger, I'm a certified lie detector operator. Lie detectorism, man. You know, what good blogger can't proctor a fucking polygraph test? So that's why mine never made it, by the way.

Right, right, because you didn't know how to do a fucking polygraph. Didn't do enough lie detector tests on there. And do you know what they do next, which is my favorite thing ever? What's that? They make us watch the entire lie detection test. Yeah, it's like him plugging it in and starting it up, going and getting it in the other room and shit. Slapping his thighs while he waits for the new update to install. Right. All right.

Just hold these cans and we'll find out how many volcano demons are inside your lie or not. There we go. And also it's worth noting that they don't have any witnesses or a camera or even an audio recording. So it's only just going to be like instead of Isaac's word, Isaac and Keith's word, even if he passes this test, right? So fucking dumb. So he goes, do you really not know?

He's like, well, first of all, he's like, hey, are you going to lie to me? And he goes, no, I'm not. And he goes, good start. And I was like, oh, cool. You can wrap it up there. Yeah, really, honestly, yeah. The polygraphs are real, you're done, right?

Yeah. He says, do you really not know where you were Wednesday and Thursday of last week? And me and Kara, at least, were like, those aren't the days he was missing. Yeah, that was Saturday to Sunday to Monday to Tuesday. Plus, that's such a confusing question for a lie detector test. Do you really not know? Yes.

Okay, wait. What? What if I were to ask the other guard what you would say about your alien? Fuck. Yeah. So, but we learned that this movie is paying less attention to itself than we were. And then Keith is like, Oh, wow. You know, he's like, did you really get abducted by aliens?

He's like, yuppers. And he looks at the lie detector test. He's like, you know, I need a second to recover from how much truth you're telling. And he walks off. And then who should show up? But the goddamn men in black. And they shoot him in the back with a laser. With a laser gun.

Now, so this is the moment, in case you were wondering, from the very beginning when Eli said that this movie gets side tackled by a much dumber and Carol pointed out much more fun movie, this is the side tackle, folks. They might as well walk in and go, nope, boring, this movie's boring. You're coming with a laser.

Yeah, because up until now, it's been a boring normal movie about a boring JPL engineer who, yes, there is some special effects because there's an alien. But from here on out, it's just magic. Everything is magic. Yep. And then some. Yeah. Yeah., it's just magic. Everything is magic.

Yep, and then some, yeah. And it's awesome. So, okay, so then he wakes up in Illuminati prison being drugged by the best worst robots of this century. Okay. It's giving like mid-century energy, right? Yeah, very fall out kind of like. It's got like vintage vibes. Very early Doctor Who, right? Where they were like, we have white

and also these Halloween costumes. Right. So look, I almost went with best worst robots for my best worst, but like, I like old movies. These are not the best worst robots. Certainly the best worst robots of the 21st century. Yeah. Okay, why are they in like sexual straight jackets though?

It looks like stormtroopers came from a fuck party and then were like the guards for this Illuminati thing. Why? There's a lot of belts and loops for someone not to be having something up their butt. And why wouldn't it just be people? Like they like there's no advantage to these big robots at any point. They're never super strong. They're later going to be like kicked and they'll be like, oh, I died. I exploded. And

they're also like super, they'll be trying to sneak around later to find people. If you didn't use a goddamn robot, maybe people wouldn't be. Yeah. Well, and to be clear, they are just people. Well, right. Yeah, exactly. They're people. Yeah, they're Silly mess. They're people. Yeah, they're wearing all white. They've got like the Stormtrooper vibe.

And then they've got these weird masks with the light up eyes. Yeah. Yeah. Like the light up eyes, I guess, is CG. What do you guys think? Were they practical? I would assume everything in this is CG. Yeah.

Okay. So they take him to this all white room where they strap him down in an ominous dentist chair in the middle of the room. Yeah. Very inefficient use of space. I feel like somebody's got to be like, Hey, can we do like neutral tones? I know we're like an evil Illuminati layer thing, but like, it's just, this is going to be such a pain in the ass to keep clean.

I mean, everything you see, every fucking footprint on this. It's like a cheesecake factory. So, Oh, we see that Sarah has also been kidnapped. She's also in this Illuminati prison. Yeah, I didn't get that. Why was Sarah there? Because she also got abducted and has talked to him, I guess. Or, oh no, because she knows about Carl.

But how do they know that she knows about Carl? They've been listening in on his phone conversations, I think. They don't explain it now. They don't explain this at all. I was not even there. You said that so confidently. I was like, God, another think they don't explain it now. They don't explain this at all. I was not even there. You said that so confidently. I was like, God, another part of the movie I missed. I missed a lot.

So I'll believe anything you say. Kara, I told you, you got to pause when you cry. You just pause it and get the cry out and then you restart the movie. No, but then it takes even longer. Yeah, right. That's true. Sacrifices we make for art. You got to play through the weeping.

Thank you. Sacrifices you make for art. So then they through the weeping. Thank you. Sacrifices you make for art. Hahaha. So then they, so they got him strapped down on the chair. They roll this fucking kitchen TV from 1978 up to him. And a guy pops up on the TV to talk to him. This is, I shit you not, Agent Graves. Yup. Okay. And...

Is the bad guy. I paused it when they wheeled in the thing and it's supposed to be like ominous. There's droids wheeling in the evil device that might torture him and then you see it for a second and it's a deli scale. It has a readout for unit price that's on it. So what's supposed to be happening here is they're going to test him for magic powers,

right? And the first thing they're going to test is can he add weight to this scale? But we don't know that. So they wheel it in, right? Like you said, like the robot in Star Wars that's going to come in and make Princess Leia tell the truth or whatever. And it's just a fucking deli scale. And we're like wait what?

And they're like focus on the scale think about peppermill turkey or something They don't even tell him what to do to know they just say focus on it and like couldn't he just not focus on it Right, you can look at it and not really think about it. Yeah, they don't even say try to telekinesis like he doesn't have powers Yeah, and then't even say, try to telekinesis. Like he doesn't have powers. And then they're like, no, no telekinesis. And I'm like, I feel like you haven't established that. And then they, they roll in some water with a thermometer and they're like, okay, now focus on the water. And they don't say, and try to take change his temperature, but

they're like, no, no water powers. But he does focus like really hard, which is like, what are you doing? Which side are you on my friend? He's a tryhard. Yeah He's a brown noser. He's an A student. Yeah So but then they bring out a light bulb and he can't use his electricity powers either and they're like then this guy fucking sucks What series of tests how many tests are they gonna do in powers? We know he doesn't have yet, right? But now now can we talk about how hapless these at this point we think they're feds, right? What many tests are they going to do in powers we know he doesn't have yet?

But now can we talk about how hapless these... At this point, we think they're feds, right? Yeah. We're like, why are these feds so bad at fedding? Can we talk about how hapless they are? Oh, they're going to get so much worse as we go. They're the ones dropping the sponges the whole movie. Right.

Just bleh. Right? Because at this point he goes, well, what do you know about Carl Meisner? And he's like who? He's like the guyes the whole movie. Right. Just bleh. Right. Because at this point he goes, well, what do you know about Carl Meisner? And he's like who? He's like the guy from the fucking cold open. He goes, I don't know. And then they forget to turn off the fucking microphone and he goes, damn it, Carl Meisner is hiding somewhere in British Columbia.

I sure hope he doesn't find out about. Oh, fuck, Mike. Mike. God damn it. Why do we have these old timey buttons on this thing? Shit. So embarrassing. Yeah, so it's so but that's how Isaac learns that Carl is in British Columbia good

You know now that it's narrowed down this should be pretty easy to find So then he needs to break out of this prison, which he's gonna do. This is my favorite This was almost my best worst best worst escape. Oh by wriggling. Yes They have them strapped down but but no, they don't. It's literally just like one strip of Velcro, that's it. And we should point out, okay, so this kid is me levels of scrawny, right? Like this is not like Arnold Schwarzenegger

fighting his way out of the chair in total recall. This is me going, eh, I don't want to be here. And then getting out. Yeah. This is Marsha on a hunger strike. Yes. And then he goes to fight the fucking robots. He picks up a like a stand that's next to him.

He smacks one of the robots in the head and its head just explodes. Because it was full of Android lava. I want lava blood. Why would the aliens start pouring out lava blood? Now what I want to note happened here because as Kara pointed out, these are just guys in suits or whatever, is for him to hit that thing in the head and then break the head open and it's just a dude in there and he goes, ow man, fuck. Ow.

Fuck. Liquid hot magma. That's what you get instead. Nope, it is. I'm going to sue you. Lava what you get instead. Nope, it is. I'm going to zoom you in. Lava blood. In court.

Why would the... Okay, so, okay. There's so many questions there. It becomes lava once it sprays out of your face, I guess. Oh, right, right. It's blue when it's inside. No, but why would they have blood at all? They're robots.

Okay. So, then he goes to run away and he sees Sarah and luckily she's not like locked in or anything Right, so he goes and he gets her out Yeah, she doesn't understand the velcro technology so he has to help and get her out too. Yeah, and this is very important No, I hate to I hate to correct on air or as is almost certainly the case incorrectly correct on air I think he uses his magic door opening powers to get her out of her cell. I think you're right because she says later, remember how you got me out of this cell. Yeah. But then he dodges some lasers. He ducks. You know, you go in somebody shoots you with a laser.

You got a minute. You can duck. They're not that fast. No, no. And but then he gets a laser gun of his own. And so they PQ PQ for they literally PQ PQ their way out of this Goddamn federal prison and the feds are all in one room going Just grab the children so but then he uses his magic powers to get out the main door and the robots don't have magic powers so they can't get out that door. I guess. Yeah, they're like, give us the digital key and they're like, cannot comply. So he has magical powers that can like do telekinesis. Seems like you'd try to do like, I don't know, a fireball or like a force choke on the bad

guys or something. Right, right. Or warm up some water. Make a breadstick. And then the laziest bit of writing in the whole movie comes up right here, right? Because then they bust out of the MIB prison and they're in a jungle and they don't know where they are. Well. But luckily,

They come to learn. Just that moment. Luckily, there's a donkey cart going by that is labeled Costa Rica Donkey Cart. You are in Costa Rica in a movie. Costa Rica's number one donkey cart. And we spend a solid minute looking at this donkey cart. And we all know we're in Costa Rica. And it literally just says Costa Rica on the side of it, like a welcome to sign.

Yeah, but then later she's like, where are we? And he's like, I'm pretty sure we're in Costa Rica. Didn't you see the fucking donkey cart? What the hell's wrong with you, lady? Oh, I missed the plot. Sorry. Did I miss the plot? Also, this is so fucking stupid.

Sarah can't read. Shh. That's why she's struggling so much in the movie. He's like, so order whatever you want from the menu. And she's like, I will. I can't help but notice there's no picture. This one. Can I give a note to bad guys in general real quick?

I wish you would. You're making a secret lair for your Illuminati alien whatever the fuck. Sure. Don't build the daring escape hatch door that goes out into the jungle Maybe if I've read it once I've said it a thousand times just build it without head Why don't they make a plane out of black box just have one door? Yeah, maybe have an armed guard at the door that would also help but also here's the thing that I don't get is that they Walk out the door and then we cut to the robots on

Motorcycles trying to get to a yeah, they're in Tron, but they're starting from the same place Yeah, the light bikes from fucking Tron, but they're starting from the same place Why wouldn't the robots just come out the fucking door? They just came out Well, they couldn't they couldn't get access as I saw the androids get on their light bikes I asked myself a very important question that I'd love your guidance on now, which is Where did the budget from this movie come from? I don't know. Jesus Christ of Nazareth. Is anyone like named Zuckerberg or Musk associated with this? This feels like Dad's Money, the movie. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, 100%. Yeah. So, OK. So then Sarah and Isaac, they happen upon a restaurant. There's apparently they keep the CIA black site in Costa Rica close enough that you could run and get a bite, you know, on foot. So they come across this restaurant, there's nobody there. Oh, now there's somebody there. Don't worry about it. And they're like, this woman doesn't speak any English.

They don't speak any Spanish. But they're trying to communicate that they need to get online. They need the internet. It's so stupid. First of all, like almost everybody in Costa Rica does speak English, but he goes up and he's like, estoy tienes el nino, nope, internet, I don't know. Yeah. And then she says a bunch of things in Spanish and he writes them down. Yeah, he can understand it clearly. Right, exactly.

She can't really even speak it. The Spanish speaking actress can't speak Spanish. Did you guys notice that? I did not. She was a little clumsy, yeah. It's not good. But she does manage to communicate that there's a guy named Zed about two kilometers that way.

Now, when they find him, he's just sitting at a restaurant having lunch, but she knew which restaurant he would be at. Was eating lunch yet? In the time that, well, he wouldn't even be there yet, right? Because they still have to walk two kilometers to get to him, right? She knows what restaurant he will be eating lunch at. I want to take a moment to clarify, because this is so mystifying. So Zed, as we're about to learn, will be the hacker character. I won so Zed as we're about to learn will be the hacker character

Right. I won't spoil anything else, but he's gonna be the hacker character So that means that they came in right? I assume this place occasionally sees tourists They asked for a place where there is internet and she referred them to fucking Morpheus I imagine that doesn't work out when like I'm traveling in Costa Rica And I want to check my Facebook and you keep referring me to Zed the underground black site operator. Yes, right.

Right. Yeah. Now, of course, so they go off there and then we see that the bad guys are hot on their heels. Well, not I actually on their heels, which they should be. They're hot close to their heels. And again, you get the impression that maybe things would be a little better for the bad guys if they didn't have creepy white robots on light bikes driving around all conspicuously.

Hey, I feel like somebody in Costa Rica would mention the cyborgs on Tron bikes that have lava blood. Like that would come out somewhere. Probably. Yeah. We see that the waitress that talked to them, she lies for them. She knows good guys when she sees them. Yeah. So, but they show up at this place where Zed is. And I guess Zed is the guy who's using Costa Rica's laptop at the moment. Yeah. And Zed's American. Yep. For some reason. Yep. No explanation from that. But he says, hey, I need your help. And he's and Zed's like, I don't know, what's your name? And he goes, Isaac Cypress.

He goes, is it really Isaac Cypress? And he goes, yeah. He goes, oh, okay, I'll help you. In fact, I'll be a sidekick for the remainder of the film. You have passed my polygraph, sir. Yeah, yeah. Riddle two. Have a seat.

Hi. I'm like me designing a D&D campaign. Wait, wait, wait. Okay. If it sounds like I haven't been present, I haven't. I was Googling something. I just discovered that this movie was written, directed, and produced by this dude named Eric Demucy.

And Eric Demucy is like an award-winning animator. Come on. Oh really? So he did like the title sequence for Game of Thrones. Oh wow. And like he worked on Tron Legacy, he worked on Pacific Rim. Oh he was using the light bikes. That's why it looks so good. He like the low bikes. Yeah, he has a bunch of assets and they were like, yeah, no man, you can take those home with you. And he was like, seriously? He was like, I know how to make stuff pretty. Maybe I can make a movie. Yep.

I'm such a good animator that I can probably also write in direct. People are going to want to read my blog. Yeah, no, I get it. Yikes. We've all been there, buddy. Direct people are gonna want to read my blog. Yeah. No, I get it Yikes, we've all been there buddy. Ah, this is like Tommy Wiseau's friends with John Williams and the room Yeah, yeah, he won and he won a primetime Emmy for outstanding main title design for stranger things. Oh, wow Yeah, and then he made this Stick to animation buddy. It's an age of specialists, my friend.

Did you learn anything from this week's podcast? Yikes. So yeah, so but the androids with their light bikes show up and everybody's like, hey, there's androids with light bikes. We should probably get the fuck out of there. And once again, little subtlety would have gone a long way here, right? But so I guess we're in a different movie now, so we all need to recalibrate. But first, let me ask you the hard sell. Will this movie stay the same genre from this point?

What the fuck genre is that? Maybe turn out to have been a romcom the whole time? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the increase- exponentially increasingly stupid conclusion of... Proximity. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Oh and Bailey, I am grateful for her. This is amazing! Hey guys, what are you doing? Keith is telling me about all the stuff he's grateful for.

Oh, okay, and? And he's like grateful for so much stuff. Yeah man, that's normal, right? What? No it's like grateful for so much stuff. Yeah, man, that's normal, right? What? No, it isn't. You're supposed to be like filled with self-doubt all the time and like unable to think positive thoughts like ever, right? No, that's not right. Eli, have you considered therapy? Therapy for gratitude?

For whatever you're struggling with. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. Now that's something to be grateful for. Let that gratitude flow with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash awful today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp.com slash awful. All right, Noah. Thanks. Hey guys, you mind if I try one? Yeah, sure. Go ahead. It was such a nice ad. I'm going to beep it. You think? Lu Lu Lu. Doing Heath's stuff. Heath's stuff is my favorite stuff. Lu Lu Lu.

Lu Lu Lu, doing Heath's stuff. Heath's stuff is my favorite stuff. Lu Lu Lu. Be not afraid, human. Oh, okay. Got it. We are here to- wait, did you say got it? Yeah, yeah. Said got it. You're aliens, right? This is a tractor beam, so. Uh, yes. Yeah, uh, got it. Sorry. Go ahead. How- how did you know it was a tractor beam? Yes. Yeah, uh, got it. Sorry. Go ahead. How did you know it was a tractor beam?

Oh, like, uh, movies and stuff. You have movies about our tractor beams? Oh yeah, like hundreds. So you guys are gonna probe me next? I mean, yeah. Oh, what? What's wrong? Well, it's, sorry, we're just kinda used to more screaming and like where am I where am I and you're just well, you're pretty chill

Yeah, I really like movies. Do you not want to probe me? I mean the surprise is part of the fun. Oh Sorry, I think no, it's fine. We'll just Implant me with a tracker and erase my memories. Well, you know what? Man, you're... Sorry. Sorry. Surprise. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin Isaac, Sarah, and now Zed, who's just part of the movie.

He's on the team now. I'm in the movie now. Yep. They've just slipped away from the the ISRP Android cops. ISRP, you ask why? Yes, that is the International Space Research Program. And Zed says, yeah, you know, I know all about him. That's why I'm untraceable. He says to the two people who don't even speak the native language that were able to find him on foot Well except for Mary Chell Mary Chell does give up my location

I do need to speak to her about that. I'm just wanting to check their Facebook thing. Yes. Actually, it's really Real problem. I give him a red pill. It's like Fires a lot. I've got a big jar of them at the back It's like, I've got a big jar of them at the back. It's really so. And we're supposed to be going out to his like out in the middle of nowhere place where he hackers all the time, I guess he just walks in from here to the fucking restaurant all day, every day. You mean their matriarch body house

that they very clearly rented as a nice, fun thing for them to do? Yep. Yep. They. OK, so let me explain what happened. Podcast listener, they found one of those tree houses on Airbnb and fucking Demussey was like, I would love to stay in one of those. Could we make it a part of the movie? And they were like, yeah. I mean, if it's like two or three scenes in the movie, he's like, yeah, it'll totally

be two or three scenes in the movie. And then we could rent a house in Airbnb. No, we could hang out, we could play board games and how could time? Yeah. So yeah, it's, I guess it's like an old fire watch station. You said fuck it. That he's kind of beautiful. Oh, it's absolutely gorgeous.

Yeah, I'd stay there. Yeah. It's, it looks like one of those AI shots of like the fake awesome house in the middle of nowhere. Yeah. True. Fair. But no, but so they go in there and there's also like they go about over this like immaculately maintained rope bridge that's clearly in some fucking well trafficked national

park in Costa Rica or something. Yeah, it's really weird. And Sarah has like a Jurassic Park moment. Yeah. Like they like do a tight shot on her just like enjoying the nature. I'm like, why? It looks like don't. It looks like a ropes course in a mall, but like in the Costa Rican jungle. But nice. And what's so funny is that they're trying to use this to say, see, he lives so far out in the middle of nowhere that there's this immaculately maintained rope bridge

on the way. Yeah. It's mostly yard work. That's what I spend most of my time doing is cutting back the brush. And didn't he say he's only been there for a few months? Yes. Well, he moves around a lot. He just finds really nice Airbnb's through road bridges when he does.

I'm on hot pads. You guys on hot pads? So they go up there and he's like, it's going to take me a while to get my computer up and running. Why don't you and Sarah go have a love interest scene out on the deck? And also we'll keep cutting back to me plugging things in. For some reason. So that you'll know every goddamn step of everything everyone does in this stupid fucking movie. Yeah. So they go out on the deck and Isaac is like, Hey Sarah, you know, we never really heard your backstory. Is it very similar to mine? And she's like, painfully, he's like, can you tell it to us at length into the camera?

She's like, exactly. That is to us at length into the camera? She's like, exactly. That is what I'm going to do. Yeah. I actually, I love this scene because he's like, do you want to exposit your backstory? And she's like, I don't like to talk about that. Pause.

Two, three. I was staying with my uncle. Right. And so she, yeah. So she saw a spaceship and she was like, man. And she took a nap. And when she woke up, it was a spaceship and she was like, man, and she took a nap and but when she woke up, it was days later and everybody was wondering where she'd been. And they have this like weird like, yeah, people think we've make up this story. Who

would make up a crazy story to get attention? Am I right? Kind of a moment. Yeah, that was dumb. And then so meanwhile, Zed is computering away. And he's looking for this guy Carl Meisner, the guy from the opening of the movie. No idea. They have established in no way why they would be looking for that guy. But yeah, so I mean, they're looking for him because the other guys are, but they haven't established that either. And they never answer that, by the way.

They never tell us why they're looking for him. As far as we know, he's just another guy who got abducted. No, they will. They'll tell us why. Oh, God, I forgot. Yes, they do. Oh, my God. It'll tell us who I am. Oh, God, I forgot. Yes, they do. Oh, my God, it's incredible. And it's beautiful and wonderful.

Yes. I'm so sorry. I forgot. So, but there's no record of this guy for the last 30 years, but he's somewhere in British Columbia, and he's using some kind of weird satellite. And of course, that's when Isaac goes, wait, a weird satellite signal coming from Canada. Why we shoehorned this into the movie earlier. I know right where that is

Yeah, so so the idea here is that Carl with the oscilloscopes has hacked JPL's satellite, yep in order to send No receive alien signals send and receive. Yeah send and receive and that Isaac Cypress, JPL engineer. Satellite guy, yeah. Also hacks his own satellites to play fun games with his lab mate. Right. When he's not collecting soil samples, he's also a geologist for the JPL.

Yeah, he's a well-righted chemist. Yeah. Let's not get distracted. And so then he remembers that there was a Canadian signal and is like, that must be Carl with the oscilloscopes. Yes. Correct. And so then he goes, hey, new hacker that we found, even though you're unfindable in the Costa Rican rainforest,

can you now hack into the JPL satellite? And he goes, click, click, I'm in. Yes, yes, two click. He says a two click into the JPL satellites. All of them now. So what we've learned now is that JPL satellites are not very secure. Not at all. I feel like you just go back to Margarita and you're like, where's Carl Meisner in British

Columbia? Yeah, really, honestly. She's like, here's a map. So, but then they call Carl, the Canadian abductee hermit that doesn't want to be found. They like call him on Skype. Yeah, they like Skype him. Yeah. Yeah.

And they're like, he answers, they're like, Hey, are you Carl Meisner? The guy who's hiding out and doesn't want anybody to find you? Hello? Hello? Oh God, why did I answer the call? Carl. Right. So then he hangs up and they're all like, fuck, he hung up.

And they yell at Zed Hacker Guy and they're like, do another fucking hack thing. And he has to explain. He's like, yeah, people, people can just turn off their computer. So well, no, because he has to explain to them that he can make the Skype call go through. He can do a no having to answer Skype call, but if he turns off his computer, he won't be able to turn it back on right so this is their last chance So basically they call them one more time they force call him and they have to we had a baby eats a boy their entire

Story quick before he can call and before he can hang up. That's the fucking Tension of this scene right it. Can he expose it fast? It was like the old collect call thing of being like, will you accept charges from, don't accept the charges, come pick me up at the buttered up app. We had a baby eats a boy. That's why he had a baby eats a boy. Thank you. No illusions.

Thank you. Yes. Sack of shit. I hope you die. We don't always understand all your references. Do you remember that from earlier in the show? We were saying mean things to each other. Keith, you remember, right? I feel like you really bully me a lot. I feel like this is going to turn into a conversation about aftercare.

You want me to teach you a new kink thing? So now it's finally, they get their backstory out, right? And they get it out in time and Carl goes to talk to them. And I wrote in my notes, like, there is a one in 800 chance that the guy named Carl is going to have a Brooklyn accent and I'm going to fucking lose. He didn't. He's just a regular Carl. Turns around, well, well, well, if it isn't the podcast-iverse.

So yeah, but this is where we learned that he has alien decoding software and he's been trying to reach out to the aliens that probed his butt all those years ago. He's trying to reach them about their extended spaceship. I guess. Exactly. Oh, this is one of my favorite things. This is where they're like, we need to download the data. So they're like, can you send it? Okay. But they hang up the Skype call because they can't have two windows

open at the same time. You should notice that. And then they call them back after they get the data. And they're going to send this data to a guy who was a lumberjack in 1979. I think we all know how this conversation would actually go. All right, we're sending you the file now. Excellent. This should finally be what we need to get the message. Amazing.

Can't believe this. And done. No, I didn't get it. Oh, did you refresh your inbox? What's that? What's what? Oh, did you refresh your inbox? What's that? What's what? I don't know anything that you're talking about right now.

Maybe check the spam folder. On my desktop? Nope, no email. Let me see. Spam folder. I don't see a spam folder. It might be called junk. Junk or spam?

That's stupid because spam isn't... Oh, there it is. There it is. The junk folder? No, the emails, but I didn't get the attachment. Did you check like the top of the email? Which top? Where the X button is?

No, where the attachments are. Why would the attachments be at the top? They should be at the bottom. That's stupid. Okay, stop calling the things you don't know stupid. The things you don't know aren't stupid. You just don't know them. Dude, relax.

Sorry. Okay. All right. I think I found the attachment. Okay, great. Was it on the email? Saving. All right.

Now, where is it? Well, where did you save it to? I don't know. Why wouldn't it just open? That's just... If you say stupid, I will hang up and we will not talk to aliens. Oh, it was on my desktop. Cool!

Well, right, it's also because he's on a bunch of fucking oscilloscopes. his shit looks like my console collection. All that shit around him is from 1978. His laptop has a floppy drive. His laptop is thick. Like a five and a quarter floppy.

It's a pull start. He gets... I'm just going to get my Commodore going. All right. Did you send it? So yeah, so they send the data. This is the data, by the way, that the aliens sent that he found on the computer way earlier when we said an hour and 58 minutes later, it was going to come back.

This is that data. Nailed it. Yeah. So he decodes the data and it's the alien saying that they're going to show up in five days time. Right. Cause that's, that's Carl's special skill is he developed an alien language translator. Right. With his lumberjack skills. Now I want to point out that is by this move. Like, so this is the data that they got, you know, before he got abducted, the alien said then that they would be there in five fucking, that would be three goddamn

days ago as the movie goes, but the movie's paying no attention to itself whatsoever. So they treat it like it's five days from then, from when they translate it. Well, the aliens knew when they would translate it. Earlier in the movie, Thursday was Saturday. Right, no you're right. What is time? You're right, exactly. That's the power.

He's moving through time dimensions as well. Okay, this is not Arrival. Let me just make that very clear. No it is not. So yeah, but they need to go to Canada. Now there's also this weird moment where Sarah doesn't want to go. And I'm like, yeah, you know, like, you're not from Costa Rica or Canada. You should just be able to go and live your fucking life.

But Isaac's like, I can't do this without you. Why? He goes, I need your help. Why? What does she ever do? He wants to bone her. Yeah. Spoiler alert. He would do? He wants to bone her. Yeah. Spoiler alert.

He would go on to do this without her. It's also so weird to me that the whole movie, like whenever they talk about where they are, well maybe not so much in Costa Rica because they're just generically in Costa Rica. But when they're in, it's very clear that they are in Pasadena. They are not in LA, right? We are in the northeast. We are in Pasadena. But then they go to British Columbia. Just all of British Columbia at once.

Just the whole thing. Yes. Do you think there's a chance they think they're in the country called Columbia, the British part? Yep. 100%. From Costa Rica? Little Britain in Columbia. That's true because I know I'm cutting, but they took a fucking like prop plane there. Okay, so. And I'm pretty sure they would have to refuel like five times to get there.

I think they believe the British own part of the country called Colombia in South America. These are solid. Now according to some dude on IMDB, actually Kara, it would have been eight times if they went as far as they possibly could. No, are you serious? That little ass goddamn Cessna goes about 450 miles before you need to rebuild the fucking thing. That's hilarious. Yeah, right. And also they probably would have to account for themselves to air traffic

control at some point. But yeah, no, they hitch a goddamn Cessna to Canada from Costa goddamn fucking Rica. And they show a really bad, like, I mean, really good Mr. Demucy scene where the Cessna is flying. Emmy winner's gotta stick together, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, you know. It's flying like a bomber in World War II, like above the clouds.

Yes! You're like, no, no. Da da da da da da da da da da da da. So yeah, so they arrive in all of British Columbia and they're like, hey, there's a train that we can take that goes 30 miles from his cabin. And they're like, why do we have? Because we've been now on a boat and we've been on a fucking plane and we've been on a train. We don't need any of this. You're going to hitch a ride with John Candy now?

You can just be in the next scene if you want if it's your movie. We're fine with that. No you guys it's because Demucy had already worked really hard on that beautiful, it's like the most picturesque, gorgeous train you've ever seen in your life. Yeah actually that train through BC looked beautiful. It was gorgeous and I don't think it was real. I think it was fully one of his side projects that got cut from another movie. Oh, interesting. And he was like, yes, I finally get to use that trick.

Well, hey, look, I would not want to take this scene away from anybody. Okay, so they're on this, they're on the fucking train and they're bonding over their arm. Alone. Yes. Alone. Fully alone, that's true. There's no conductor or anything. No, yeah, it's just the three of them.

And there's Sarah and Isaac are bonding over their arm implants when suddenly we see that the white light bike androids are chasing the train, driving their light bikes down the train track. Sorry. Did they drive from Costa Rica on light bikes? From Costa Rica on their light bikes. You missed the sequence where it was like, it's a good thing we don't need to breathe. Am I right?

So there's a part like, so they're driving on their light bikes behind the train, but then they're on the train. So like they leapt from the light bikes onto the train, like high noon style. Well, and also that gorgeous establishing shot of the train is on like the world's highest bridge. Uh-huh. Like it's like spanning this like really scary gorge.

And so they were riding their light bikes, I guess on the track behind them the whole time. Yeah. That's terrifying. Once they got out of the ocean. I want, I guess, on the track behind them the whole time. Yeah. That's terrifying. Once they got out of the ocean. I want to believe they got on the train with their light bikes and they had to like awkwardly walk them through. Check them right there.

They have to go to the big luggage rack. Sorry, can you scootch it? Scooch it. Everybody a little. There's an old lady. These are very wide. There's an old lady and a family on their way to Disney taking up all the good ones so they got to go to the next car.

Yeah, right, right. and a family on their way to Disney taking up all the good ones so they got to go to the next car. So but then Zed realizes that the bad androids are after them, which just because he does, right? He smells them coming or whatever. And he's like, don't worry, I have the dumbest possible way to get out of that. I fucking love it. I love it. Truly, he could be like, we have to put these icicles up our ass. And there would not have been a sillier moment in the movie. He's like, their facial recognition software can't see past these goofy-ass spirally masks. So everybody has to just sit still and wear a silly-ass spiral mask and the robots will walk right by us. And they have to sit there in silence and just like be cool wearing this incredibly

silly I would have been weeping with laughter fucking the whole thing up because it got so stupid looking. Well and they don't explain that at all like why does it have Jurassic Park rules like why can't they move? They're basically putting the scenario that Heath and I are put into whenever they do an in memoriam at a convention, which is like, now is the time for quiet. You cannot say funny words now. Crash. That's Heath diving out a window so he doesn't get in trouble.

Also, so Zed, by the way, the hacker in Costa Rica, he's the one who gives them the masks, right? Brought them with him. So he had those. Why does he have these? In case he runs across any bad case he runs into the androids. He's just a real cowboy. How do you think he figured that out the first time? He was on his way to a very specific Halloween party.

He had a very silly pile of masks and the cyborgs came up and he just went on and they like walked right past him. I guess, yeah. Yep. Must have been what happened. But it doesn't quite work though, right? Because one of the androids just starts looking at Isaac and Isaac screams at the top of his lung, it's not working! And Zed's like, don't move.

He can tell when you move. You know I can hear, right? You can't tell when you're screaming, it's not working. Yeah, apparently not. We can hear you have to wear a COVID mask and they can't understand when you scream. So, yeah, but so the alien or the Android rather looks at him for a while and he goes, now, this is a fucking dude in a mask. He pulls out his gun.

Luckily, he can duck under lasers as they're being fired. Right. As we learned earlier. He's really good at that. Yeah. So he fights his way off. The other Android loses him, and then there's a moment where like, he can see him with Android vision on the top of the train track.

We can't because they couldn't afford to stunt people to do that, but he can. Right, and the cyborgs are talking about like, okay, tracker chips, I can see that, he can see through it, and he's like, that's where they're going, and they have like, trackers on them. We're gonna learn how that works a little bit later. Mm-hmm But if they have tracker chips, how did the masks help?

And the tracker chip not only allows them to track it but as allows them to see like a CGI Image of everything around him above the train. It's a really crazy tracker that they've got there. Honestly, the lens that Kara has given us that this is a guy who like makes opening credits for big movies, makes this such a beautiful tragedy of a film. Right. Cause you can see his gifts shining through beautifully. And they're like, that top of the train thing looks really good.

What lines do they say? Um, I need to wear this mask so the robots can't see me okay yep yeah but so one of the robots is up on the train chasing them but they get him with the old duck move right because if you're ever on top of a train and you duck something will come by and that's right smack the other the bad guy yeah I want to see one time somebody does that and there's nothing and they're just yeah you just you still have on the ground yeah tunnels and stuff are actually fairly rare in this part of the country yeah so so yeah but they duck under them then the other robots like well now I got to go get them but the robots don't know about Zed so if Zed gets the other robot with the old kick

him off the train maneuver. The old chauvinism. Right. Which could have just done that at the beginning. Why? He just had the mask so he wanted to use them is what it is. This is the first time I wrote in my notes. Oh, we're just torturing Kara with this one.

This is so bad. Robots and aliens, huh? Huh? So they get off the train and then you're probably thinking to yourself, what other vehicle do they ride in? So they get into a... Maybe they do the canoe or the escalator as a mime until they get to the right place in British Columbia. Fucking close. So yeah, so we watch them like hook up with these guys that are going to take them in this little weird RV or whatever, because they've run out of other vehicles to fucking ride in. Yeah. They ride in the back of a van the next 30 miles for no reason.

Yep. And we see that. And we see the, yeah, just random people. They just asked them and they were like, sure. Yeah. We'll drive you out to the hermit cabin. I won't pick up my friends from LAX. I would never just drive a random person 30 miles into the woods.

Yeah, right. Into the middle of fucking nowhere. So they get the guys drop them off in the middle of nowhere. So hope he says yes. And they go up to this paranoid guy's cabin and he's got a bunch of cameras watching them and they are very noisily oscillating cameras. Right? Yep.

One second. I got a, it's like a baby monitor. Yeah, I got to oil this thing. Stuck all the way to the left. But yeah, but so Carl pops out shotgun first and he's like, who are you people? And Isaac's like, don't worry, we're all named characters, right? We've known Zed for why days now, so we know he's safe. So the hermit accepts them. He goes inside and he gets his alien tracker deactivator device and deactivates their track.

Convenient. The noise that the track, the deactivator makes are so, there's so a guy being like, and what noise does that make? Beeeeeh, bebeh, bebeh. So, and I also, I want to point this out. So at this moment, this guy, this hermit, who's managed to hide off the grid for the last 30 years, he's like, oh, you guys have trackers on you.

Let me deactivate those and then stay in the place that they would be activated for days. Yeah. Why don't we go somewhere else first? You sure you don't want to like cut off our arm and like move it somewhere and then come back? At least. Yeah, right. Duh. So yeah. So, but we go inside. Carl's going to tell them his identical goddamn fucking backstory. I know you guys watched this in a movie, but DeMoussi said I'd get a monologue. So here we go.

It was a dark and stormy night. I was done at this point. Like, I kept dissociating. At one point, I got up to pee and grab a bite and I realized I had dishes in the sink and I just did my dishes. And then I remembered that the movie was still playing. But I came back and I hadn't missed anything. No, no.

Eventually. And this happens in all movies, but it happens pretty early in this when all of Kara's notes just turned into hate notes towards me. Yeah, yeah, it's true. So, yeah, but he tells him all about the time that he escaped from the ISRP. And I'm like, OK, well, fucking Isaac escape with the wriggle harder strategy. They're not they're like the most escapeable in the history of agencies. They're not super impressed, man. Are they supposed to be a government, an intergovernmental agency

or are they supposed to be like this private organization? I think that because they said at one point that it grew out of a U.N. thing or something. Oh, they're embarrassing. Hours of goddamn useless exposition in this movie. It's Jewish lizard aliens. Globlest. But this is where he explains that he has deciphered the alien language because they speak in the pops from signs like every alien after signs.

And he plays us a translation of one of the alien transmissions he's translated. It's it's approaching solar system, orbiting Earth, human origin positive, returning. Seems like a long way to come for that. Right. Also, doesn't it feel like the super advanced aliens that can travel through galaxies would have been the ones who invented the translating part of this instead of the lumberjack? You'd think so, right?

You'd think if you can move faster than light and travel through dimensions, you might also figure out sending an email. Google Translate. Google Translate, maybe. So also, by the way, I looked up the guy that played Karl Meisner at this point and I just had to point this out these are some other titles that actor has started. Bikini Chain Gang, Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity, and Witchcraft 11 Sisters in Blood. I just wanted to point that out. Okay. These are all now in the God Awful movies. Yeah.

Oh absolutely. You're just dictating the next three movies Kara's going to watch with us. So these are all now in the God Awful movies. Yeah, they're literally, you're just dictating the next three movies. Kara's gonna watch this. So spoilers Kara, sorry to ruin it. Maybe the first 10, but if this guy wasn't in those, I don't know. Well, we'll take a look. Yeah. So then, OK, so then some thunder rolls to make the moment more ominous. And Zad goes, what's that noise? And everybody's like, you don't know about thunder.

They put a thunder jacket on him. He's underneath the kitchen table. But what? But what? But what? But what? But what? And then in perhaps the movie's weirdest turn, Sarah goes, oh, that's a lovely record player

that you have. And Carl says, well, you know what? That is Franklin Roosevelt's old turntable. And then no one asks any questions about that. And you can tell he really wants somebody to ask why he has, and we really want somebody. But he's like, nope, they just play a fucking record on it. Yeah, the whole thing.

Where did you ever get that? What? Who said that? I actually got it from a very good friend of mine in the Roosevelt family. Yeah, they don't ask and then they put on a classical piano like record and play the whole thing in real time. The whole thing! Right.

What a crazy choice from a pacing perspective. Yeah, and they didn't tell these actors that they were going to play classical music because she's like, ooh, and sort of does that like we're putting on some music in a movie thing, but it's like, and she's like bopping along to it. I love this movement. So, okay. So meanwhile, while they're doing that, bad guys are bad guying at the bad guy department, right? Sorry. I'm just picturing FDR as a DJ at a club with a... Drop the bass!

Yeah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,ing doesn't work out, I just realized I'm gonna be a fucking amazing DJ! Yeah, fuck that, man!

So okay, so we see the bad guys for just a second going like, you know, the finale's right around the corner, and they're like, yeah, somehow. And then we have a fucking Sarah and Isaac preparing for the finale exchange. Hey, you know, the movie's almost over. Yeah. Yeah. Did Debussy talk to you about a sex scene? He sure did. Okay Was it sure what he said it's gonna be all about Demussey am I right?

I said it earlier in my notes, but I was really proud of it. So let me go back to it Demussey is the campaign the Dems will be running in Gen Z with that one. Oh, God. I love it. Yeah. I mean, this was the point in the film where I came back from doing the dishes, actually. And they were frolicking.

It's doing our jobs with us if you just have the movie on in the other room. Amen. Yes, it does. I seem to get paid either way. I'm separating you and Heath. You and Heath can't sit together at events anymore. I see what's happening here. So yeah, I come back from the kitchen and they're

frolicking in the woods. They're frolicking back. It is the weirdest falling in love on a hike. The music starts. I laugh so hard. There's like 19 minutes left in the movie. Right. Do they ever touch each other or kiss?

Nope, nope. Didn't think so. They frolic, they sure frolic. They sure frolic together. The pacing of this movie is fucking bonkers. It's like a sensual lover, but they mix it up, you know? And they're taking different drugs, like Hunter S. Thompson along the way, saying weird shit.

And the music, the music is never right for the scene. No, no, it's so bizarre. So then Carl, like you, if you played that scene for somebody and you say, yeah, right. If you played that scene from somebody and you said 18 minutes later, they will fuck around with aliens in this movie, they would not believe you. So then we get Carl and Isaac to get back to the cabin. They have a preparing for the finale exchange. Do you want to do a romp as well through the no. OK, I just thought I thought everyone was doing a romp.

I wasn't unclear. Yeah. So Carlos will only have one chance. And we're all like one chance at what? Yeah, I still don't know. No, not to this day. Yeah. Right. To the finale. And he goes, I have a plan. And then the movie fades out.

And normally what that would mean is that that character has a plan. And that we will later see him enact some sort of plan and we'll have, and we would otherwise have to say, when would they have planned this out? Right? That's what normally that scene would signify. But no, there will never be anything remotely like a plan from Carl. Well, and also they fade out just to fade back in one minute later.

Yeah. To Isaac. Yeah. Like talking to the girl in her sleep about how much he loves her. Yeah, that was a real creepy watching her sleep moment where she's like wakes up and she's like, hey, Isaac, are you looking at me while I'm asleep? Because no, I was looking at the headboard. I was admiring.

I was just very grateful for all the times you've been on my podcast. Making sure you're watching the movies. Right. Yeah. Right. Okay. Mansion apartment, shack house. Let's So they have this like long moment where like, well, he, he sort of monologues to her about how all moments have purpose and there's a reason that they came together and he just can't live without her. And, and then she just falls asleep in the middle of it.

Yeah, you guys, this is, this is the title of the movie. You're right. This is the proximity moment. Oh my God. We discovered that off like during one of the interst You're right. This is the proximity moment. Oh my God. Yeah. We discovered that off like during one of the interstitial breaks, what we weren't recording and it's a really sad moment, but I think you're right. I think that's the proximity we were talking about. Yeah.

It's not nonsensical. He thought it was deep. Well, it is nonsensical, but he also thought it was deep. Yeah. It's just the layers. More of a credits guy. Yeah. More of a credits guy. It's so deep. It's just the layers. More of a credits guy. The layers. More of a credits guy.

It's so true. If you look at this movie. Boy, I hate it though. Yeah. As a series of fucking title sequences. I get it, man. Hey, we've all been there, brother. Shoot us an email.

I thought people wanted to read my Harry Potter fan fiction. We've all made mistakes. You know what I'm saying? So now the title card comes up and it says, Thursday at 3.55 PM on the day of the arrival. But none of us remember when the arrival was supposed to be. Yeah, I was really lost here. Right, why the fuck doesn't it say X hours

or whatever till the arrival? But no. And why are you going at the end of the business day? Everybody's tired and they're just like trying to check out. Thank you, right? Fucking aliens popping their head in the door while you're trying to the end of the business day. Everybody's tired and they're just like trying to check out. Thank you. Right? Fucking aliens popping their head in the door while you're trying to put chairs on tables.

Can we just real quick? No, the kitchen already cleaned up. They put the Sarant, it's too late. It's a law. Also, like if you're waiting for an alien arrival, why are Isaac and the girl just hanging out in the bedroom? Right, and also, if your movie doesn't have anything happening right now, why are we looking at it, right?

We watch Sarah just look at a sunbeam and Isaac stare at the wall through a big marble while they're waiting for the aliens to show up. But wouldn't they all be together in a room like working on the plan? I guess. Well, I guess if we ever do it, the fucking plan. There's not a plan. So, you know, the rest of the movie just happens to them.

Yeah. And it just happens. So then the cabin shakes. Right. And Isaac's like, OK, I'm going to walk off by myself and do the rest of this alone. And they're like, well, that's not the plan. Or maybe it was. We don't know. Yeah. But he walks off.

And then we have another, the aliens right behind me, isn't he moment. I thought it was a flashback. Yes. It was so similar to the previous fucking scene. It was the same scene. Yeah. Right. And Isaac looked really ill and then they faded to fucking black again.

And I was like, are you kidding me? I so wanted him to turn around and just kind of like pop and click at that point, you know, no, no. And then he's like, what? Do you want to do a frolic by any chance? Now that we're out here? There's room for a third over. So, so it fades to black.

And then when it comes back, I laughed so fucking hard and so fucking long. I know this is the best. They're sitting around, we fade back in on all the named characters, Carl and Zed and Sarah and Isaac sitting around the table with the alien. Making a podcast. Making a podcast. They're sitting there, they've got microphones on.

I love that you guys all went there. Yeah, you all went there doing a podcast. Making a podcast! Making a literal podcast. They've got microphones on. I love that you guys all went there. Yeah, you all went there doing a podcast. I went that they were... They might as well have the Infowars desk at the Secauam. I went what they were having tea. It looked like they were all sitting down to tea. But they had microphones facing each other because it's for the translator, right? So they could translate back and forth.

So, okay. I would have given the aliens the outside of the booth. Can I say that? I would have given them the outside. I wouldn't have made one of the aliens scoot. Yep, yep. They got them hemmed in on both sides there like fucking like Tim in a pot restaurant.

Sorry, that's very, very narrow, mostly for Eli. But you know what, Andrew, I bet Tim's really enjoying it. Yeah, no. So, but so then they asked the aliens, they But you know what, Andrew, I bet Tim's really enjoying it. Yeah, no. So, but so then they asked the aliens, they're like, hey, aliens, we have a question for you. Why the fuck are you on a GAM movie?

This doesn't seem like a GAM movie at all. What are you guys even doing here? Yeah, Kara is really confused at this point. Right. Yes. And they're like, well, you know, we've noticed that humans have measurable god auras. And we're all, all of us, movie and outside, we all go, fucking what? What units are you using for that?

For the aura-ness? So, well, and they said that some humans have more aura than others. Right. And so apparently these humans, we must assume, have the best aura. These three humans who have not ever referenced anything religious in the whole movie are the closest to God. What might they have in common, I wonder. But then the alien reaches out like, you know, Spock style, we get a mind meld with him,

and he psychically sends an image and he says, who is this? And we see Jesus Christ of Nazareth. It's so stupid. It's like CGI Jesus, right? And of course it's like medieval white guy Jesus. It's literally like Jesus on those altar candles. Yes, right. It's altar candles of Jesus.

That is 100% what we're looking at. Yes, exactly. Which means that DeMussi is one of those Christians, right? Because here's the thing, this guy works in like major Hollywood movie studios, right? Which means that he has probably been around people who are good at art late at night, and they've been like,

yeah, no, dude, you did such an amazing job. And he's like, yeah, can I ask you about your walk? And they're like, oh, God damn it, DeMussi. Yeah. Every fucking time. Yeah. So yeah time. Yeah. So, yeah, so they're looking for Jesus. And at one point, like, so they send the image of Jesus into Isaac's head.

And he, Isaac goes, why are you looking for him? I'm like, because he's fucking Jesus, man. Come on. Come on. And Sarah goes, if this happened to me, I'd be like, oh, okay. Well, sure. All right. Yeah.

I'd also be very clear about like, hey, how literal are you as a people? Yeah. But yeah, but Sarah says his name is Jesus and the aliens like are like, oh, now we know. And I'm like, now you know you couldn't look that up on the internet? What you could have found him on a candle and then asked him, hey, who's the guy on the candle? It would say it would have like they've written a blow Probably a Wi-Fi signal in our dimension So yeah, and and they're like, oh hey also by the way, did you guys put magic power

Pain devices in our arms and they're like, oh fuck. Yeah, we did. Let us get those with our arm separator devices Let us get those. Well, separator devices. Let us get those for you. Well, that wasn't the magic power device. No, it wasn't. No, you're right. Cause they're going to have the magic powers later too. That was just the tracker, which as we know has already been deactivated.

So why do they have to remove it? True. Yeah, honestly. Because Demasi did the cool thing with the arm separator. That's why you're right. No, exactly. That's the actual answer to all the questions in this fucking movie, isn't it? Which by the way, takes one second to do on the woman's arm.

On Sarah, yeah. And takes one hour to do on the main character's arm. Well, you know, women's arms, and I've said this before, women's arms come apart much more easily. Oh, Jesus Christ. If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, Karen. This is the creepiest quote, Eli. That's so good.

Stop blocking my number and I'll send you pigs. So but just then the motion alarm goes off. The men in black are here and they've all got guns. So Carl goes to meet them with his shotgun, which seems like a terrible idea. And the MIP are like, we've got you surrounded. And this is where we reveal why they're looking for Carl. Because Agent Graves' dad was one of the guys that got abducted by the aliens in the opening of the movie and never came back.

What did you do to my dad? That's exactly how we learned that. But also, wait, this doesn't even make sense with the movie. Go back to the original scene. The two guys in the truck go up, come down, and are lying in the truck. Carl wanders off and he gets beamed up. The two guys never left. That's how we saw it, yeah. I think there were supposed to have been three guys

in the truck originally, because he says that there were the three brothers later. This is so stupid. Eli Marglar had to go back and use the claw machine to like that. I got sort of clink, just smashing it back and forth between trees, like me trying to back up in the company van.

Yeah. Also, like, this guy is really sad that his dad is gone and clearly it turned him into an evil alien hunter. I get it. But Carl doesn't give two fucks. Well, so that's the stupidest thing about all of this, right? Because his thing is I don't believe Carl, I believe Carl had something to do with my dad's death and I don't believe in any of this alien abduction shit.

They have aliens in the fucking cabin. If one of those aliens would just lean out and wave, he'd go, oh fuck, I had it all wrong. I'm so sorry. You got an alien, sorry. My bad, my bad, it was aliens. Can I talk to them? They're looking for Jesus, so.

Oh, I don't want to then. Nevermind, nevermind. I don't want to talk to him. So yeah, so, but then Carl runs out to tell him that it really was an alien abduction. They shoot him with a laser. Yeah, just fully kill him. Well, they don't. He's actually going to be alive in a second, but yeah.

I think they're going to un- I think they're going to I think it's the aliens that bring him back to life. Oh, is that? Yeah. Cause they do an ET touch. Or that or they were just copping a field. They were like, yeah, I've actually always wanted to grab a titty. No, I think fully this guy is like, you can't tell me where my dad is. Well,

fuck you. You're dead now. Okay. Well, and then Sarah comes out and she's like, Carl, we've met days, almost a day ago. I love you. And so they shoot her too. Kill her too, because I want everyone to be lying down for the superpowers part of the movie. Yeah, right. Right. So Isaac wants to help at this point, but the arm thing is going way too slow. Still happening inside.

It's like, it's a fucking Windows update on that. Just give it a second. Mr. Bean starts to wrap his arm in like beautiful ribbons and sprinkle chocolate onto it. Well, I feel like you could have just walked out with his arms separated All right, and just cuz he was just gonna use magic powers any fucking way Do you need two arms for your magic powers? I would not have left that Procedure That's the doctor everybody she takes all the she takes all the antibiotics that the doctor gives you not just so you feel better She takes all the antibiotics that the doctor gives you, not just so you feel better. You don't have to take all of them everyone.

You can just take one or two. No, you don't listen to Eli. Oh my, all right, RFK. I'm the head of health and human services. I would be less terrified. Okay, so, but the aliens, they're like, hey man, don't forget we gave you superpowers and then they just disappear. And I'm like, really?

You're just gonna leave them on your own? Okay, so he's on his own. So he uses his superpowers to make the goddamn laser guns stop midair. And then he picks up Sarah and he walks away. Yeah, so we assume that's all that happened. That's what we all had in our notes. You're just leaving Zed and Carl.

But no, he's going to... And by the way, this skinniest actress just struggling mightily to carry her without visibly shaking. But then he turns invisible and then he goes and he gets Carl. And now it's kind of unclear what the fuck is exactly going on here. Yeah. We don't know if they're invisible or in another dimension. The aliens just lean out of the house and go, use your senses.

And he's like, are my powers my senses? And they're like, shrug. Yeah. Yeah. But right. So he's turning invisible. But then like the people that he's rescuing, they also can't see the cops anymore. So it's like they're in another dimension.

But then he walks by them and it's like they're invisible because they have to avoid them. What I wanted to happen here was just credits. Yeah. Because then I would have, it would have like all of the energy of the end of the mist. I have that in my notes throughout the movie. No, but like this might be redeeming. You know what this could use is some fucking being over. But like, you know how in the mist it was a really bad movie and then at the end it got fucking amazing.

Yeah, I don't know that. Hey Kara. I know that I'm with you. Yeah, come on. I know that. Absolutely. You guys all know that. Okay in this moment, it's pretty awesome. Like he slows down laser beams and like goes and gets people. He does like a Zach Morris Jesus close by like sort of stopping time-ish and making invisibility-ish happen. And yeah, it's not clear who sees whom at this point. So like I wanted him to walk out and like assume he was invisible and then like bump into the truck and be like, fuck! And then they just catch him. I just wanted him to walk away from the house with Sarah in his arms into the sunset and then nothing be resolved.

And then for the movie to be over. Just Carl is lying there, the aliens are still standing there. That would have been the best ending. That would have been great. But no, they have to do the dumbest possible thing. So all the good guys are fine, apparently, and Agent Graves is just left holding his dick.

Yeah. And then instead of being over, we get this six months later scene where a VO comes on apparently and Agent Graves is just left holding his dick. Yeah. Yep. And then, instead of being over, we get this six months later scene where a VO comes on and is like, I don't really know what the fuck that last scene was about. Who could see what or whatever? Were we in another dimension or were we invisible? Who the fuck knows? So we'll give you a breakfast globe close.

It literally says, I don't know what that movie part was, but maybe we'll never know. Well, it doesn't literally say that, but yeah. You're supposed to make a concession statement in a shitty essay in middle school. Yeah. It was like that, but not like, but I did say it was just like, that was dumb. Yep. Didn't really know. End of essay.

I never really figured out what was going on there. We should have established my power set, but he and Sarah did fall in love. They opened a restaurant, I think in Costa Rica. Yeah. She was really into it. Yeah, apparently. It looks like they stole that Spanish lady's restaurant. It does.

It was if they just had the one restaurant. They might have. And we watched them doing their restaurant for a second and he uses his telekinesis to like grab a coffee mug. Yeah. To be clear, he still has all this magic and he used it to open a restaurant and coffee mugs So much debt kind of a waste

And then said and Carl started their own international alien detection agency together Graves got fired and Isaac is still doing that video diary still trying to get over the death of his father and it's it's so from the heart. It's like, that's a little of my story, but I think it's just beginning and you're like, you will never make a movie again to Mousy. Never. My favorite thing ever here. I couldn't bring myself to type anything about this scene.

I couldn't think of a single clever thing to type, but as I'm waiting for the movie to be over, I realized that Amazon Prime hated this movie so much that it cut it off in the middle of his last word. Yes! I had the same thing. He was like, and one last commercial. And there was no way to get to the- I'm watching a thing for like roofing and then the next shooting movie came out. Yeah, right. You can't even, it won't even let you watch the credits on Amazon. It was

fucking amazing. And while that does it for our review of proximity. That's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need to 484 up or down so Eli tell us what's on deck Well Noah, I think we can all agree in times like these We need a hero and who better to guide us to serve as a beacon than Bible man. Oh, God damn it. That's right. We'll be rejoining Bible man with the incredible force of joy. Oh, that sounds so much better. It's going to be as like 30 minutes long, which is going to be great.

Oh my God. Why did I sign up for this week? So with that to look forward to, we're going to be up to a point. You only watched 38 minutes of it. Sorry, your dishes were boring. Once again, a huge thanks to Kara for doing her dishes with us today. Be sure to check out Talk Nerdy, which you'll find linked in the show notes for more from her and perhaps even a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go.

If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash got off and there by early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms I've enjoyed this show be sure to check out our sibling shows the skating a the a citation needed D&D minus and the skeptic rat available wherever podcasts live if you have questions comments or cinematic suggestions game on God of a moves gmail.com Tim Robinson takes care of our social media our theme song was written and performed by Ryan slotting of the drafts on Mars all the other music Was written and performed by our audience in your Morton Clark and was used with permission Thanks again for giving us a chunk your life this week for Heathen right? performed by Ryan Slotnik of the Viva Drafts on Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morton Clark, and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, Wright, Neelai, Bosnic, I'm in the solutions. Promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the Breakfast Club Globes. The restaurant failed right away. Jesus didn't die for those alien salvations. They can get fucked. Isaac never picked up his last paycheck at JPL and also his parents clearly never loved him because nobody seemed to notice that he up and left his entire life behind.

Everyone was really nervous when they asked the aliens if they've heard of Muhammad, but because white people wrote the movie, don't worry. They hadn't. Who are we here? So you're the old Noah. You're the old guy. We're the young people. Oh, okay. Am I the girl? Yeah. God, OK. Am I the girl?

Yeah. You could be said or he could be the girl. Whenever you are, you can be the girl. You're the Zed dynamically. I'm the girl dynamically just for everyone. Yes. Pleasure at home. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyright twenty twenty four.

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