God Awful Movies - 485: Pickleball Princess

Episode Date: December 10, 2024

This week, the gang is coming at you live from Nashville, Tennessee with an atheist review of Pickleball Princess. The latest from sentient Q-tip Donald James Parker, this film seeks to answer the age old question; "What is Donald James Parker into these days?" And for once, the answer isn't Jesus. === If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/

And then he fucking starts limping around like Eli trying to get onto an airplane earlier or something. So, but now we're between- I do need extra time. They didn't ask why. The answer is because I'm a very special boy. You write a joke. It said retired military or very special boy.

Exactly. I retired before I ever joined. You write a joke. It said, retired military or very special boy. Exactly! I retired before I ever joined. Thank me for my not service. Honestly, yeah, that probably helped us out of time. Exactly, yeah. Godawful movies. Movies. Movies. Movies. ["The Last Supper"] Welcome to Godawful Movies, live from Nashville, Tennessee! ["Godawful Movies"]

["Godawful Movies"] Well done! Well done, I am not calling it Nash Vegas. This is of course the podcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema because time travel isn't a thing so I can't warn myself. I'm no illusions but I'm not here alone. Please put your hands together for my good friend, Heathen Wright! I like that your scotch is festive. It is festive. It's even more festive.

Oh nice nice and of course also joining us tonight give it up for my bad friend Eli Bosnik! Listeners at home, he is, I believe, Dolly Parton. Dolly Parton! Okay. All right, Eli, I... This is... I mean, honestly, like, you're going to... Like, you might get us in some trouble, because this is Tennessee.

Drag is illegal in this state unless and I unless it serves yes unless it serves a literary or scientific purpose I appreciate you coming our asses but it's probably better if you go cover your ass. Yeah, exactly exactly All right Eli brought cookies, you know, I'm moving his fucking cookie. There you go He can have them back at the intermission nice So I don't know if you noticed this but the hotel that we're in right now We're sharing this hotel with a group called Aspire for More. Oh it's

the Christian business. I don't think it's Christian it's just but but but the name is pissing me off because you can't aspire for less. The nature of aspirations demands it be for more, right? It's definitely businessy something. I went past a couple people and I was like, synergy is winnergy, high five, high five every time. Yep, yep. High five every time.

There he is. Eli is back. By the way, if you go to the Aspire for More website, whatever you're picturing their CEO looks like like it's sadder and more divorced. Okay. Okay. So whoever you're picturing, just put a trucker cap on him backwards and you got him.

You got it. Yep. You got it. Look, you're not ready. You're not ready. Wait till January 6th. Cheer yourself up with it. We get it now. Right? That's a fun thing.

Right? We were all like, why would they do that? We're like, so how many would it take? Yeah, I know. I know they didn't do it, but if they had had like, I think Kamala's more committed to the cause than Mike Pence was. That's all I'm saying. Yeah. And I think she could take those stairs faster All right, so tell us he what will we be breaking down today we watched pickleball princess By Donald James Parker All right, how many people watched it? Did anybody watch it? Okay? All right. Well, it's like $18 for Donald James

Yeah, he needs Parker household once the Lord takes his big The juice run frometh from the Lord. Alright, well here's the blurb for this movie from Gramps, DJP, Donald James Barker. It's amazing when you just read it in his own words. I always know we're in for a treat. I wrote down his exact words. When a lifetime tennis player finds his favorite public venue converted into pickleball courts. His dislike for the sport begins.

He wrote hate, clearly, and was like, no, dislike. After being challenged. No, save the hate, Donald, save the hate. Yeah. After being challenged. For when Jake Paul challenges you to a boxing match. Shit.

That's when the lion will come out of its cage. He continues. After being challenged to play pickleball by one of his former tennis buddies, who's never taken a set from him. All caps. Exact quote. He finally consents in order to rebut the claim that he's afraid of losing. That challenge leads to a change in trajectory of his life that sends a ripple effect into society. Or okay TLDR version it's the story of a tennis in cell. Yeah that's

what it's... Yeah DJ he had a crush on a lady, plays pickleball and he learned a sport and made a movie so he could talk to her for a second. So Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love catching up with your grandma's boyfriend but you wish his excruciating small talk was about anything other than his bat shit political and religious beliefs you will love this movie if you miss Donald James Parker and gotta miss Donald James Parker you will love this movie all right so is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at yeah I'm gonna go with best worst failed pop culture references. I told you Parker he's got like 12 things from like

old songs he wants to say he wrote a movie around it and he can't remembered episodes of hee-haw. Hee-haw and looney-toons he keeps swinging missing really hard and everybody's just they hear his quote and they're just like what? And you get long... Google heard his quote and was like what what yeah yeah it's like JD Vance trying to order donuts as a pop culture reference he's just swinging and missing hello today all right he's gonna be the vice president of the all right don't depress everybody unless our J60 unless Kamala has the courage yeah so I was gonna go with and I think anybody who watched along with us probably knew one of us

was gonna go with this one I was gonna go with best worst lip yes so much play so for those of you who didn't watch hanging off of his lip the whole time let's fill you in there's a guado growing out of his lip in this movie. And he is not giving the instructions for how to return oxygen to Mars. It is. It's sad because sometimes the crazy people we talk about hurt themselves with their crazy. And that's obviously what happened, right? Yes.

He like drank a little too much colloidal silver from the microwave. That raw milk was straight out the teeter. Something happened and that is healing slowly and badly. I don't know if it's healing at all, honestly. I'm going to go with best worst, attack on Heathen Wright's new hobby. Yeah. So let me spoil this for you all now. I'm not comfortable about this. Heath and Wright, our very own Heath and Wright, has taken up pickleball of late. He's got a couple of pickleball friends,

has a little pickleball club he plays in, and honestly, had we watched a movie this week of Donald James Parker fucking his fiancee raw, it could not have been more ruinous or upset. Months leading up to this, he's been like, you guys should really try it, it's a lot of fun. I'm really enjoying it. It's a bastard's going to sport in America.

Really getting good cardio, it's great. And now Johnnel James Parker swooped in like Batman and was like, I agree with you Heath. You and me share a thing. No, we don't, no. We share a thing. Here's the problem. We end up sharing like four of them. I know. It's everything in here. It's a yeah. I started having a panic attack. There's literally a spot in this movie where Donald James Parker doesn't like labels. It's amazing. All right well speaking of which we need to do one more quick sweep of the room to

make sure that Donald James Parker isn't hiding among you waiting to unite at health care our asses. So I'm seriously everyone with gray hair, I'm looking right at you. So we're gonna be back in a minute with all the wide shots of amateur pickleball that are pickleleball Princess. And then I'm going to give her one of these. Exactly. She'll never see it coming. Nice. Hey guys. What'd you do?

What's with the boxing gloves? Oh, we're getting ready to fight Dolly Parton. The singer? Yeah, man. I don't know if you heard, but we're headed to her turf and she is not going to take that lying down. Yeah. So we're getting in peak shape for the big bra. Guys, two things. One, if you're looking to get in shape, you don't need to fight Dolly Parton to do it. You need fit bod. What's fit bod? It's an exercise app that adapts to your goals and needs. With FitBod, every workout targets exactly what you need when you need it. Well, how does it do that?

FitBod creates a personalized workout routine based on your goals, fitness level, and available equipment. Plus, workouts adapt to your growth, so each workout is challenging enough to push you to make progress. Amazing! But, Noah, have you actually tried it? I sure have! I love that FitBod lets me get a good workout whether I'm in a fully stocked gym or in a hotel room on the road. That's why I, no illusions, personally endorse FitBod. Alright, I'm sold.

Where do I sign up? Lock in and stay focused. Join FitBod today to get your personalized workout plan. Get 25% off your subscription or try the app for free for seven days at fitpod.me. slash gam. That's F-I-T-B-O-D dot M-E slash G-A-M. Nice, but wait, you said there were two things? What's the second thing? Oh yeah, number two is that Dolly Parton would totally kick your asses. I mean, she's 78. I stand by my statement. Yeah, that's probably fair. Hey, Donald. You got a second? Well, hey Chip Rosetti, of course. Always for you. What's up?

Yeah, so I finished reading your latest script. Pickleball Princess? Oh yeah, it sure is a doozy. Right, yeah, I'm just a little worried you might have lost the thread a little bit. Lost the thread? I didn't even know I was a sweater. What? It was a joke. Sure.

Okay. So we make Christian films and Pickleball Princess seems to be more about you just taking up pickleball. Well, is it? Yeah. And I was looking at some of your future scripts. We got, um, where did I leave my glasses? And the unlimited pasta pass at Olive Garden is a ripoff. Trespass me from their location.

Right. These are just very obviously about your personal preferences and activities. Can we keep it a little more Christian? What if I promise to shove in my faith at the least possibly opportune moments? Yeah, that'll be great. Fantastic. Hey, did you know that the Olive Garden on State and Main Street will call- Yeah, yeah, yeah, man.

You told me. Right. Yeah, and I saw it on the news. The liberal media? Sure. They are. Jewish. And we're back. And we're going to get this breakdown. So we're going to start with that

all too familiar sort of the spirits production logo, which was fun. And then we get our pickleball princess title, which I shit you not, I could have counted the number of pixels on this title. Right, with a little dedication. The harsh cut and difference between the aspect ratios of the logos in this movie is everything you need to know about the quality of this movie.

Well, and if that didn't clue you in, the opening shot is just people playing pickleball. But the music is pretty sure that we're about to launch Earth's last hope at the asteroid. I wrote the music here is should only be played as firemen jump through windows with multiple babies in their arms. It felt heroic. Yeah I thought DJP was gonna come in on like a steed and a paddle to play and then I was like a homosexual through the chest for Christ so Also, this is so stupid

But the the credits in the movie are rolling by way too fucking fast like he lost control at a certain point Okay, so one little thing they fail right away, too I have to mention this they're're playing pickleball and somebody has a ball picker-upper for multiple pickleballs. It's like a little tool that grabs it. She goes over to get a pickleball that's by the fence and immediately gets the tool stuck in the fence and starts wrestling with it and they have to cut. And that's the opening scene of the movie. I wanted her to be there later in the film. Yeah. 127 hours

style just gnawing through what's left of the tendon in her shoulder. Damn it Donald. So then okay so now we're gonna get Lisa don't worry about remembering that name we'll barely ever see her again but she is the conduit between Jenny the grandma and Penny the granddaughter. Yes, Jenny and fucking Penny are the two main female characters in the movie. And so Lisa has come to her mother, Jenny's house, to tell her that she's concerned about the people that Penny is hanging out with. But before they can get to that, Lisa has to walk through the house screaming, Mom,

as though the raptures happened and she just found a pile of clothes outside. Yeah, the camera is looking for mom too. Yeah. So I was getting motion sick. Right. I was trying to watch VR porn all of a sudden. That is not what happens when I watch VR porn.

That's because you're not looking for a toddler to walk into the room and then walk back out again. It took me a second to understand. You're focusing on the wrong places in your VR porn, can I tell you that? So one of us is. Yeah. So yeah, but so Lisa goes out and finds her mother Jenny. There's one up in front I don't I don't know oh I think you're on the other side we got you we got you that was literally my nightmare is what you just did to a person because whenever I leave a room I'm like please I hope no one notices as I come back in

and look at this motherfucker So no, it's all of your exes here to say their least favorite things I felt like the show needed to be brought to a screeching halt. There was great timing. No, so Jenny comes in This is the VR porn that I'm... Yes. And I am looking for a place. Like a toddler woman in the VR porn. Alright. We're like 30 seconds into this movie guys. Sorry.

So Lisa comes in... Like 80 minutes of this movie is pickleball rules. No, you're right. While we're going abroad. Exactly. Got to do so, my guess. So Lisa comes in, finds her mom who is the exact same age as her, which is weird. And she tells her about her granddaughter

hanging out with the wrong crowd now. Oh, first she has to fuck with her for eating TV dinners. Yeah, I felt like a factor ad was going to start any second, right? Right. Ready to heat and eat in just two minutes. And she says, and she's like, mom, I can't believe you're eating TV dinners again. And she's like, well, you know, I don't like cooking for one. And she's like, a dad's been dead for almost a year, mom. Get over it. Yeah. Let's move on.

It felt kind of mean, but I thought there was good advice in there because the advice was you got to get out there and you got to play pickleball. Mm-hmm. And I was like, yeah, it's a very sexual scene for old people in my experience of pickleball Not for me, but that's what I'm watching around me a lot He does very specific VR porn. Yeah reference. This is what we're telling you

Can I say if you were better at picking up vibes it might be this? Mrs. Jorgensen she's been looking at you the right way She's ready for a toddler to wander into the room, if you know what I'm saying. She's the only experience. She's only a 3.0 in pickleball, I'm not. Oh yeah. Also. That'll make sense later.

I have to, I have to give Heath a great opening for this because I think Heath has maybe found the greatest factoid in the history of IMDB. Oh, yeah, the act, okay, I wrote this down, yes. So, Grandma Jenny, she is played by Kelly Hutchings. Kelly Hutchings' bio from IMDB says, Kelly's personal background is varied and colorful. She has owned an antique store, capitalized,

and ran for public office, also capitalized. Here's my favorite part, though. She has worked as, I don worked as, tell me what the fuck this means. She has worked as a counter drug agent to a Disney princess. Okay, so this means- So many confusing, all the words in the sentence are confusing. I should bring out a fucking chart or something or a blackboard. What does that mean? She worked at a pharmacy and they were like, hey, Jenny, you got to stop saying you're

a pharmacist. That lady's a pharmacist. You're a counter drug agent. Oh, counter drug. But why Disney princess? Because the girl was in a costume. And that was the most exciting thing that has ever happened to Kelly. So meanwhile, we cut over to Donald James Parker.

Yeah, but you know what? The audience at home didn't hear any of it. I know, I know. Yeah. So meanwhile- That's the type of- Go ahead, go ahead. Donald James Parker is having milk and cookies with his grandson Gary and Gary's friend Brad.

And this is amazing. They're sitting here having fudge-striped cookies and Gary says, Grandpa, your cooking is the best. Nobody puts fudge-stripes on a plate like you do, Grandpa. I mean, I love a fudge-striped cookie, but. Yeah, right. Brad says Brad says yeah I'll come over your cooking is so good I'll come and visit you anytime and then both of them have to be like yeah but he's not your grandpa man that'd be fucking weird

if you just showed up here and I'm going by memory by the way because the only thing I wrote in my notes was distracted I was like oh he's got a little fudge stripe on his. No! The devil's fudge. Yeah. It's what I call analingus. Eating the devil's fudge. Heath, Eating the devil's fudge. Heath, have you been eating the devil's fudge again? You stay out of this pickleball court. So then we cut to, so Gary and Brad, the two teenagers, they go, they want to go play some basketball so they go to the rec center, but damn it, if the basketball courts aren't all taken up with people playing fucking pickleball, right?

Fastest growing sport in America. Yeah, sure is literally what they say they say for the first time here and I wrote Keith yelled into the movie somehow well okay okay I look this shit up okay yes that is the fastest growing sport America you know what the second fastest growing sport in America is it's riding a bike with under inflated tires in the snow. So yeah, winter fat biking they call it. So yeah. Third is this podcast.

That's what you, that's what you had to beat is all I'm saying to earn that title. I don't think it's that important. So it's neither here nor there. Pickleball number one, great for old people having sex. Moving on. All right. So, but on the way out, so the kids are like, well, they can't wait until all this fucking pickleball shit's done.

They have to play some goddamn basketball. So they go to leave, but on the way out, Gary, DJP's grandson, who I have, he's like the poor man's Timothy Chalamet, so I have Miss Timothy Chalamet-y in my notes. As he's walking out, he sees Grandma Jenny with her granddaughter Penny, and it's love at first sight, right? That'll come back. So, and what we establish here as after he leaves, we linger on Penny and Jenny long enough to find out that Penny is also pickleball curious. Yeah.

That will also come into play. All this grandmother and granddaughter will talk about is the sausage they hunt for. Yes. The entire time they'll just be like, are your flaps soaked? My flaps are soaked, girl. There is literally one line between the female characters in this movie that doesn't fail the Bechtel test They're trying to talk about their tennis shoes at the opening of one of the scenes and then immediately fail the back grandma It's like a broken jar of rubber cement down there. I'm telling you right now It's all these two characters talk about watch the movie watch the movie I didn't make the movie. You're mad at the movie, not me.

The movie wrote that metaphor in its notes. So Gary and Brad, they go back to Donald James Parker's house in search of a better basketball court and he tells him, you know, there's one, you know, out by the park. They're like, but they don't provide basketballs and they're like, well, can your cheap ass buy a basketball? And he's like, nope, no. He says, we'll go to the park, and if there's nobody out there where the basketball you can borrow, we'll play tennis instead.

Real quick, can we talk about Donald James Parker's t-shirt? I don't think we can not talk about Donald James Parker's t-shirt. So it says Man Up on it. Just says Man Up, but then says first Corinthians 13 14 as if to say they've paraphrased that verse and it means man up it I looked it up it says be on your guard stand firm in the faith be courageous be strong do everything in love that doesn't sound very manlyire for more. Aspire for more. Synergy is winnergy. There you go. You can't just do that.

You can't just make shit up. Like Leviticus 1822, P and the V. Like no, no, absolutely not. Geronimy 11, 2, no fatties. Genesis 1, big if true. Jamie, look that up. So they all go to the park. There's this amazing moment. They all get to the park and Brad, the grandson's friend, goes, I have to shit.

Right away. I have to shit real bad. Because he ate like eight fudge strikes in the last scene in two seconds. Yeah. The only thing more disturbing is Donald James Parker's response to that which is that's a call you don't want going to voicemail. That's nature's call. That means shitting yourself without knowing it. It does. And that is not a universal experience, Donald James Parker. You're not relating to the kids right now.

Okay. We've all just had shit run down their legs. Try to avoid it. So... So they want to play tennis, but damn it, if these local tennis courts haven't been turning the fucking pickleball courts as well. So Donald James Barker is like, well you know what, I'm so pissed about this that I'm damn near ready to pay the fees up at the tennis club rather than relying on this communist

tennis. So they go to leave and we have what I consider probably the most amazing moment in the movie, right? Because Gary turns to Grandpa and he goes, hey, Brad's still in the bathroom. Do you want to pull the car around the side and hide from him and prank him? And Donald James Parker's like, no.

And then they just don't. That's the end of the scene. No. He wrote himself a set up. He's the guy who the scene! He says no! He wrote himself a set up and no ended himself in his own movie and ended his own scene. Means he typed it and he was like, too far Donald, too far. This is not full of Riz, Donald. Yes. Ha ha. Lord, today I did something pretty not skippity Ohio. Yes.

Ha ha. So then they go down to the paid tennis courts, and damn if they don't have pickleball there now too. And then we have Brad trying to worm his way into Heath's heart by making pickle jokes. It didn't work. Nope. No. So DJP goes, oh pickle

ball. This is a quote. Pickle. And I'm doing the voice dead ass on if you heard. Pickle ball is the raspberry seed in my wisdom tooth. Not a fucking saying. But then Brad who fucking lives in an orphanage when he's not here apparently is like more like the pickle seed am I right and Gary's like hey grandpa you want to kill Brad And then his mom's already asleep she drinks pretty hard when she gets off her shift He'll be missing for days before anyone reports him But then so but Gary's like hey, you know I don't want to do pickleball grandpa

But you know a lot of hot old ladies you're doing it maybe you should do it for the pickleball punta. It's horny grandmas in your area do want to play pickleball. Right no they do but Donald James Barker hates pickleball and he goes oh sex isn't worth it if you gotta play pickleball and so they based Storm on. I agree. It's Tennyson's tell the movie it really it really is yeah. So then, so sometime later though Donald James Barker is out for a run like he is want to be very athletic and He runs into this body of his Frank and immediately I was like what happened to Royce remember best friend for Cycle Jackson Nowhere to be found did they have a falling out I demand to know more. It's a separate cinematic universe

Okay. All right. I was wondering maybe if Royce was here with some beans to spill no, okay But he fucked my wife So he goes to talk to his buddy Frank he's like hey Frank Do you want to play some tennis we play tennis a lot you and I and he goes now You know, my knees aren't really up for tennis anymore nowadays I'm playing you guessed it pickleball yeah fuck yeah okay fuck yeah he is so here's what happens then Donald James Parker attempts to make a yucky noise but a Donald James Parker yucky noise and the noise of the last swan coming super hard are identical so the way he says I'm gonna need a barf bag will haunt me till

the moment I die yeah he's like oh oh my god that's like a mating call or something. You're gonna end up, Royce is gonna come in now. I thought you meant Natalie Portman. Or Mila Kunis, you meant a swan the animal. Black swan. That's a swan. Hey man, did you not like the idea of Mila Kunis or Natalie Portman coming? Coming extra hard. That's awesome. That's positive. I don't understand where you were going. Did you not like the idea of Mila Kunis or Natalie Portman coming coming extra hard? I don't understand where you were going. Yeah, okay checking with me more. Yeah So then so now his buddy is trying to Frank is trying to talk him into your Mila Kunis

So so now his buddy Frank is trying to talk him into playing some pickleball and Donald James Parker is shitting on it constantly, right? He's like, you know, oh, we can go over here and play. I actually have a second racket because my wife plays and Donald James Parker says almost quote, well, if your fat ass wife could play how athletic could possibly be? Literally. He has a mobility advantage. Yes. He mentions, well, you know that because he mentions it 13 times in this scene.

He does. He mentions his mobility advantage in this scene three times. Yep. If you mention your mobility vanish and you can't daredevil poof, what's not daredevil, what's his name? Nightcrawler. Nightcrawler poof. If you can't nightcrawler poof. I went Mortal Kombat. Scorpion does it too. No, he goes down and back up again. And then from the other side. I have a question about Scorpion, because this movie's about nothing. No, no, Raiden does it.

Scorpion does it. When Scorpion goes, does he go to hell for a little bit? Yeah, yeah. Yes, of course. And does he, on the way down, is he like talking to you? He's like, yeah, I'm going to fight with a guy up there. Just use your spear thing. I'm going to.

I'm going to. I'm going to.. I'm gonna tell him to get over here. He killed my master? So it's been like a game. It's hard to keep track. So then so I have to throw this line out too because in his effort to convince Donald James Parker to play pickleball. Frank says pickleball is, and I quote, chess on a court. It's not though. Heath, would you say it's like chess on a court? I think it's very much like chess on a court. I don't think it is. I don't believe you.

I do. So, but then, so he's, so Frank is like. I have a pretty good mobility advantage when I play too. Chess, yeah. You also make a mean fudge stripe, So thank you. Yeah. So but he goes through hell every time. Yes. So Frank is like, oh I guess you're just scared to play me at pickleball, huh? And he's, you know, he has this Marty McFly, hey, yellow, kind of a moment. And then he's like, I'm not scared to, oh sorry, I'm not scared to play pickleball I'm worried that my tennis reputation would suffer if somebody saw me playing it

All right, because he's got a tennis reputation to protect so buddy We watch him play you are underestimating his mobility, you know during that entire game every time someone bike by it was like I'm just trying something Don't tell everyone. I play tennis. So he and Frank go to play a little bit of pickleball. But first, Frank is going to have to explain literally every fucking rule in every contingency and every possible way.

Everybody who watched the movie is nodding along with me like, yeah, that goes on for about 14 fucking minutes, doesn't it? I wrote in my notes, if I'm learning pickleball, my wife should be proud of me for being nice to one of her friend's husbands. This isn't fair. I should get like a knee squeeze in the car home, like, you did really good, that was nice. You didn't tell him to kill himself at all, not once. I tell people to kill themselves.

Also, to make this even weirder, as he's doing this 26 minute introduction to Pickleball, the music is pretty sure that someone is lifting a log off of their mortal enemy somewhere, right? It's never remotely appropriate. Pickleball is very dramatic. It's dramatic. It's exciting. So as Donald James Parker is learning, he finally gets a good serve, so he screams into the

microphone. But I guess he didn't, he cheated or something, he fucked it up. And during this explanation, I don't want to dwell on this for too long, but I have to point this out. During this explanation, Donald James Parker says, apropos of absolutely not a goddamn thing. says, apropos of absolutely not a god damn thing, I've never used algebra in my entire life. What a strange brag. But also like how?

How did you ever, how? No, based on the amount of things Donald James Parker knows, I believe it, right? He's the one kid who was like, when am I ever gonna use this, that the teacher was like, solid point, Donald, solid point. You should make movies for the rest of your life where people compliment you.

So yeah, so we learn all the rules. We learn about Ernie's, which is a kind of shot in Pickleball. It's a sweet shot. We learn about ATPs, which is amazing because they want to show us an ATP, but they couldn't actually film somebody getting it. Yes, right. So they just kind of like vaguely allude to it.

And we watch someone else watch someone do it and go, oh, that was a really impressive shot. That was an ATP for sure. If ever I saw one like chess court, he goes, you can't serve from the kitchen. And Donald James Parker goes, my head is like, but his, but his mouth clearly sticks together so he can't make the sound. He can't make the sound. So it sounds like he's trying to hack up a hairball. He goes, that's when a swan really comes. I was going to say, it's like Donald Duck auto-erotically expects you. Yeah, there you go, there you go. Oh, ah!

So... Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, first is just those noises the first meme so so Donald James Parker I almost said Donald Duck y'all I really did so so Donald James for he loses and then he just like that there's no fucking way for it to stop You should mute my mic, doesn't matter Reach over there and smack it. The second half of this thing. I'm just gonna be Hannibal Lecter'd up You're you're never getting your cookies back. Yeah So but then we get we get Heath's best words right because he loses and he goes he says a quote He's clearly quoting some movie or something Google does not know what movie he's quoting.

Google was like, what? Yeah. What reference are you making in your movie? Me and Heath both Googled it and we both got a reference. The Google was like, maybe he's misquoting the 1946 Warner Brothers cartoon called The Great Piggy Bank Robbery. And so we both watched it and we're like, no, wasn't that? But it's a good cartoon though.

I use chat GBT, which just fucking lies. So it was like, yeah, no, I've seen that movie. I love that one. It's great film. So now, so we cut to Penny and Jenny, they're going to play pickleball at the rec center at the Methodist church so that there can be a gigantic fucking cross in the background of like two thirds of the rest of this movie's shots. But it's like lazily leaned, right?

It is, yeah. Yeah. Like if I had the monument to my savior, I wouldn't just put it anywhere. Right. So I don't know if you guys saw the step and repeat on the way in, but if you'd seen the absolute nearly company destroying fight that went with putting that fucking thing together, you would know how bad they'd had to do for us to talk shit about this, right? About their placement.

If aliens ever come down and demand a 15 minute time period that summarizes our company. It is us trying to put that up at four o'clock in the afternoon and giving up for huge periods of time. Huge periods of time we were just like fuck it. It's not possible. It's missing fucking pieces. It must be. I lied to you at one point about what I was doing. He was like, are you pushing? And I was like, mm-hmm. Why did you lie though? What does that game? I'm Jack GPT. I'm Jack GPT. I'm aware. Oh my God.

It's OK. So Penny and Jenny, god damn it, arrive at the Methodist. We're making great time. We are. No, it's only 40 minutes for this first eight minutes of the movie. So Penny and Jenny show up and they, this lady gives us way too much information about how they decide who's going to play the next match at the pickleball matchmaking thing. I wish I knew the technical term, right? I don't have it. I was hoping that you would, yeah. Pickle picking. It's called pickle picking.

Picking a pack of pickle picks. Bilateral system. So... Eliminates the weak. So then... You heard me, this is Worgen. So Penny and Grandma Jenny go, they sit down and Penny looks over at Grandma and she's like, oh, are you eye fucking a man? And she's like, oh are you I fucking a man?

And she's like, well if I wasn't I fucking a man we would pass the Bechdel test. So yes grandma says Snow on the chimney doesn't mean the fire is out Okay, all right guys, I want to emphasize that Donald James Parker paid a 17 year old girl to say that about him. Right? But when I do it, it's a felony. So...

Right, no wait, wait, wait. I can't remember, I don't remember who pointed this out, so apologies to whoever pointed this out, but somebody pointed out that on Donald James Parker's website, if you look up this movie, and you look up this actress actress the only thing it says about her is she's 18 years old they don't name the ages of any fucking buddy else but there's a little note on the thing that says no it's okay she's 18 guys the cops came to my house again I was just trying to make cat explosion noises. There's this really fucking weird moment too where like they're talking about like, oh,

you know, grandma, are you looking at Donald James Barker? You think he's pretty hot? You flirting? And then grandma Jenny turns to Penny and she's like, you know, many women are physically and mentally abused by their partners. And we're like, what the fuck just happened? Why though? What are you doing movie? by their partners and we're like, what the fuck just happened? Why though?

What are you doing, movie? But then, okay, so they have this completely out of fucking nowhere discussion about abuse and everything and then a guy comes over to flirt with Jenny. Now, I don't know what the fuck was up with this particular artistic choice but the guy sits completely out of frame

and starts talking to her. Like who it is is gonna be a big reveal but it's not they just didn't know how to like I guess they couldn't get the camera far enough back to get both of them in the shot this is David he's very important mm-hmm I have a miss pickleball fuck boy in my notes throughout yes he is pickleball fuck boy and let me just say, because there's going to be a love interest between Jenny, David, the Pickleball Fuckboy, and Donald James Parker. And clearly, the correct answer is David, the Pickleball Fuckboy.

Oh, yeah. Turns out to be a racist later. But just physically, there's no fucking. He's got the DJ voice. He's like, hello ladies. Very sexy. But then he comes up and he starts talking about, he says says to her he goes. So what's your pickleball rating? I know you're rating as a female is 10 but yeah, right. I

Know I know but this is still better than Donald James Parker trust me and Donald James Parker wrote that and wrote oh boy Donald careful James Parker wrote that and wrote, oh boy Donald, careful. Start making duck noises any minute. AO3 calls me back into its clutches. Oh, Bible man. But this is. You made me write my inner thoughts. So this is where David explains pickleball ratings to us.

Apparently pickleball players are rated from one to five in increments of 0.5. And they do it themselves? Yeah, they do. So I'm a 4.0. Could you? It's not a big deal. Do they not have little trophies you can give yourself? They have to let you make any trophy you want.

You actually can go in and buy as many trophies as you want. That's correct. As I learned. That's correct. No, you do rate yourself. I went to, it's so stupid. There's a pickleball club in Ann Arbor and they were like, oh, rate yourself to start on the app.

So a friend of mine who played with me is like, you're probably like a 3.5 or 4, you could put that down. So I put down 3 to be conservative and then to sign up for a thing they were like Oh, you have to be a 3.5 or higher and I was like I can't change my rating on the thing I'm pretty sure I'm a 3.5. You have to They made me buy a lesson to get and I they won't let me play they won't let me play You bought a lesson and they were like no I refused to buy the lesson me play they won't let me play you bought a lesson and they were like no I refused to buy the lesson but they would I don't believe

you from my heart I want you to know that you bought the lesson and an 87 year old woman was like you're not quite there yet I think you might get hurt so okay she's really mean So this is the point where Penny and Jenny they get paired to play a pickleball against Donald James Parker and some character we've never met named Mark. So Mark shows up and points out how dumb it is that these characters are named Penny and Jenny. Right? He actually says, well that's stupid. It's like you're in a movie written by a fucking idiot and she goes what's your dad's name Lenny and she goes no my we're related through my mom and he's like it's just a oh and we

should point out that they have no idea how to capture audio in a gym I'll admit it's tricky right they didn't even try so mark starts talking shit about Donald James Parker's shitty pickleball paddle Apparently he didn't spray didn't pay the big bucks. You know for the cheap wooden one. You don't have a cheap wooden one Do you know I do not it's foam injected or some bullshit. I looked up. I don't know So I really am a 4.0 So then shut up Feel like everybody was laughing. This is going badly for me. Yeah, it sure is. You're supposed to laugh with me. That's the point of the show.

So after the game- And here's all his exes to say their least favorite name. So after the game, which Donald James Parker wins, by the way, he wins the pickleball, Jenny pauses to tell him how awesome and athletic he is and how unbelievable it is that he hasn't been playing pickleball longer than this, given how good he is at it. She's 18, it's fine. All right, but yes, once again, someone has, and you know, if you want to play along, you can drink every time somebody Donald James Parker is paying compliments him. But that being said, there is no plot point in this movie. That means that the break can be any goddamn where, so it might as well be here. So we're going to take a break,

but we'll be back in a minute with even more Pickleball Princess. ETH! Heath and Wright, wake up! Santa? Twinkle Toes, what are you doing in my room? Like you don't know. Cough him up! Cough what up? Your Christmas wishes you're impossible to shop for!

Oh, I don't know. I'm sure whatever people get me, it's gonna be fine. Yep, you want me to rough him up, Santa? You said it, Twinkle Toes. I'll hold his arms. Wait, I thought of something. I thought of something. Why don't you get me an aura frame? What's an aura frame?

It's the digital picture frame everyone loves. It has unlimited storage so you and the rest of the family can upload as many pics to the frame as you want year round. All you need is the free Aura app. It's true. I got one for Mrs. Claus this year. You can even set it up while it's in the box, so whoever you give it to just has to plug it in

and it's ready to go. All right, Heath, I'm sold. Where do you get one of these Aura frames? Save on the perfect gift by visiting AuraFrames.com to get $35 off Aura's best selling Carver Mat Frames by using promo code AWFUL at checkout. That's A-U-R-A-FRAMES.COM promo code AWFUL. This deal is exclusive to listeners, so get yours now in time for the holidays. Terms and conditions apply. Alright then, back to sleep Ethan Wright, and hey, thanks for the milk and cookies. Oh, no, I set those out for me. You set out milk and cookies for yourself?

Yes. It's December 3rd, man. You're December 3rd. It's a get ahead. It's a get ahead. It's a get ahead. You're December 3rd. It's a get ahead. It's a get ahead. It's a get ahead. And then he shows back up to the pickleball court with a gun.

Right, um, Donald? Chip, what have we said about interrupting the creative flow? Yeah, right, creative flow. No, you've mentioned it. It's just someone's been shot in your last four movies now. Oh, is that so? Yeah, man. Your characters basically lose arguments to you until someone dies by gunshot wound, unless it's you. But that gunshot just means everyone now agrees with you

regardless of where they were before. Oh. Yeah, I suppose I could be a little Chekhovian in my firearm use. Yeah. I don't think Chekhov would love that comparison. Listen, Donald, is it possible that you get very excited about your arguments and ideas, but don't particularly have a lot of plot to back them up, so you just do something extreme, like shoot someone,

or give somebody aids to feel like you've wrapped things up. Oh, well, oh, look out, Chip. It's a wild podcaster. Sorry. I shot your friend because I couldn't figure out how to end this sketch. Don't you have any jokes about the movie itself this week? Nope. Had to rate these before I watched the movie. Oh, yeah, got it.

Second gunshot, I just killed him. And we're back. And we're going to we're going to rejoin the action still at the pickleball church Church Court. This is Pickleball Church, I guess, with David. So the match is over now. Jenny sat down. David has come back to flirt with her some more. He explains that he has actually an annual pass at the racket club, so no big deal. So do I. Actually, I don't pay monthly. I pay annual. He's using this.

All right. But he has the most expensive racket. No, he doesn't. First of all, it's insane to say that out loud whether it's true or not. It's not true. Speak your truth, boy. Speak your truth. He does not. He has, okay, I wrote, I checked it, I paused it, and I was like, oh, what does he got? What does he got? Is he working with a good racket? No. He's got the third shot drop, Kratos model HSE. It's okay. It's okay. Also, you can get it for like 250. He says it's $300. I checked on Google. I'm like, this is 250 fucking bucks. You overpaid, you asshole.

And it's a paddle for fucking goons with no finesse. Anybody who knows, knows. You have no finesse if you use that piece of shit. You can't find the clitoris with the third shot drop Kratos model HSE. If you have the Kratos, you've never heard, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo. Not once. Not once. What do you, Heath, can I ask you a personal question?

Do you miss your dad? Do you want me to pour you another drink, bud? Good night, everybody! What pickleball panel do you just shut up? Hey, Keith, can I ask you a completely different fucking question? What pickleball paddle do you use? Shut up! Hey Heath, can I ask you a completely different fucking question? No, I think my dad would want me to tell you which paddle I have. I have a Selkirk Luxe Control Air Invicta model, it's not a big deal. No it isn't, it really isn't.

But yes it is, thank you. Correct. And it's awesome. You could say it's pretty pickle baller. Yeah it is. So yeah, so David's explaining how smooth and girthy his paddle is when David and Jenny and Donald James Parker and another character we've never met named Marcy are picked for the next match. I Like Marcy cuz she's the only good pickleball player Yeah, she's in it for like two seconds. Yeah at this point she says, uh, hey guys That was a nice volley and David loses his fucking mind correcting her and saying it was a rally not a fucking rally I wrote Wow real Heath and Noah board game vibes okay he's right though

it is a rally though yeah why am I doing he's about to become a giant racist so I'm not yeah no no you know he's wrong about all the stuff and then they argue David and and Donald James Parker argue about whether the ball was in or out it was out it was out by like a click. It was a dick move. You're a dick to call that out in a game in a church. Right. Yes.

Absolutely. Go big or go home? So but then so but after that game, Donald James Parker runs up to Mark and he explains that he's you know he said before that he was going to just get good enough to pick a ball to beat his tennis rival Frank and then he was gonna quit but that's not the case anymore now He's gonna stick around until he can beat David the pickleball fuck boy. Oh, yeah

But to do that he's gonna need a better paddle the market explains that David once again explains that he David has the most expensive Paddle on the market. Nope. No, he he doesn't. I literally I found a pickleball, it's insane, but there are pickleball paddles that go for over a thousand fucking dollars if you're an idiot. There's also, there was a weird moment here. Sorry. Present company excluded. See, I was distracted at this point because this is when he started telling us in our notes about how he was rated too low and the club won't let him change it. So my notes for this scene read, hey Heath, you mind not being super fucking tragic.

I'm trying to make fun of Donald James Parker and you're up there being like Gladys says there wasn't room in the car. It's like a hundred dollars for an Eval from Gladys. It's crazy. For me to come to lunch, but I know she has a minivan and Edna's walker fits in the back. So yeah, but, but Mark learns him all about, he, well, Mark tells him that David says he's a 4.0, but he's no 4.0 bunch of bullshit he also explains that there are pickleball clicks and you have to really know about like the sharks and the Jets kind of stuff that

they've got going and then he says so are he says to Donald James Berger say so are you playing in the senior Olympics he's like oh what's that and he's like oh that's the finale of the movies like well I probably would assume I am then yeah he says well what kind of paddle should I get he's like oh, that's the finale of the movie. He's like well, I probably would assume I am then yeah He says well, what kind of paddle should I get he's like well the paddle I use is a temper tantrum is The name of the brand and Donald J. Parker's like I've got a type five on that buckle the fuck in Just cuz temper tantrums also a phrase that means a else besides the title of the battle. It's a good five minutes.

It is. It tells it like someone's dad at an open mic just like, um, I suppose. Where is it on my cue cards? I'm so happy to be here for Jessica's wedding. No, wait, that's a different one. It's fucking brutal. So yeah, so then he calls Gary, his grandson, and he and he tells him that he needs a pickleball training partner. That is the plot. So, so we cut to Donald James Parker and Gary having some Honey Nut Cheerios together. Okay, this is where my panic attacks started happening, because I was like, I also like

Honey Nut Cheerios. I've now shared two pretty big preferences with Donald James Parker. It gets worse. Yeah. I mean, come on, we all like Honey Nut Cheerios, right? They fucking rock. Yeah, they do. They're fucking amazing.

Wow, like nine fucking people, Jesus Christ. Y'all are going to have heart attacks. Eat your goddamn fiber, people. Are you all, okay, apple cinnamon. Woo! Perverts, okay. Let me ask for my fellow children in the audience. Lucky Charms.

Woo! Yeah! You get to tell me what to do now, I'm a fucking adult. I'll eat marshmallows for breakfast every goddamn day, mom. Ha ha, turned out fat anyways. La la la la. Chocolate milk. You guys get it.

We had sex too early. Also, it was not okay. So. They get it, they get it. They're holding space for it like that song in Wiccan So also there's this amazing fucking moment in the movie here That was that was the last straw So that there's amazing moment here where Gary and their head they're sitting around having there there's more of his great cooking he cooked honey nut Nut Cheerios this time, and Gary says why is

it called pickleball? And Donald James Parker explains, he says well you know it's not really known exactly why it's called pickleball, it is known. I think the person who invented it is still alive and they told the story. But Donald James Parker says one of the stories people tell is that it's named after their dog, Pickles, the couple that came up with it. They had a dog named Pickle, and that's the name, and that's not it. Then Pickles was named after the fucking sport existed. Like this is a known goddamn thing. I just thought it was so fucking weird that he'd bring this up in the movie, even though he doesn't know the goddamn answer.

He got it, I didn't even know he got it wrong. He was like, fun not fact. Yeah, right. Also, it was invented by a congressman at their summer home. Could you have a less sympathetic origin? Right, yeah, exactly. Well, the servants were bleeding out, you see. So the full court couldn't be used.

Well, it did. That's the honest, the truth of it is, it's called. Who's that guy in a mask? It's called pickleball because apparently there's a term in rowing called the pickleboat, which is like the leftover rowers that didn't get picked for a team and because it used leftover materials for a sport, that's why it's called pickleball. And so like even the origin is such a douchey summer home ass, who the fuck knows rowing?

You know the expression for when the servants drop a second tea tray and you're going to kill their daughter? Oh right, yes, right, yeah daughter. Pickling, if you will. So there I am bathing in the blood of a baby. And I thought tennis makes too dog I don't know I'm a weird liar like Eli and Chad GPT so Donald James Barker and Gary they arrive at the pickleball court and who should be there but Jenny and Penny who and oh yeah it's getting a little hot in here so this is where Gary meets Jenny officially right they were I fucking earlier, but Gary says, Jenny goes, How old are you? And he goes 17. She goes, haha, I'm 17. We have so much in common. Credit scrolls across the screen like a chiron. She's just kidding. She's 18. Yeah, right. So and then there's this really weird moment where like she's obviously like into Gary and she's and he's like, she's like, so

And we have a lot in common and he goes so was your grandma seeing anybody and then he goes for my grandpa fuck my grandpa I was like trying to get him laid I'm not trying to fuck her though unless she's into that and heard the rubber cement thing earlier and I hit so but Penny's like, no condoms. So Penny's like, no, you know, she's she's taken. She's fucking pickleball fuckboy David. But he's a bit of a prick. If you want, we can parent trap them. You know, we will get them together. So you're like, okay, and is that

the plot now? Like, fuck yeah, man. That's the plot now, I guess. Sure. So they team up with the goal of making Jenny and Donald James Parker fuck. Meanwhile, Donald James Parker and Jenny are chatting about trying to make Gary and Penny fuck. It's really good writing. Yeah, well, honestly, there was a moment here where I'm like, Donald, did you just farce? He didn't, because they will forget entirely about the part where

Jenny and Donald James Parker supposed to be hooking the other kids up. They'll forget about that entirely after this scene. Yeah, the closest Donald gets to farce is that every time he's sitting in a room, he's like, we all want to fuck each other right now. I feel it, they feel it. But only the scripts of my movies can say it out loud. So then we get this quick scene where.

Christmas ghost. Christmas ghost. So in act one, it was the doc. In act two, we're going to get a ghost orgasm. And we move on in this show. So we cut to Donald James Parker asking Gary what they're sitting in his kid They're standing around in his kitchen. I mean, he's like, so what did you think of that last scene? And he's like, it was fine. I guess it was alright

Okay, I knew you were gonna talk about this But nothing matters There's a microwave and an oven on the scene. They both have a clock. They're not the same time. No, they're not. It's all of Heath's notes. I have a page 100% of Heath's notes. If you can just push the button on the oven, it's the time set button and then you just

press the up thing on the temperature control. You get 30 seconds max difference between them. Yeah, because it's like a minute and 40 seconds, right? They never have the same minute. There's like seven minutes difference between my oven and mine. Eli sends me pictures of this. And his parking. He's minutes away from the space sometimes. It's like a dimensionality thing.

So then we get, so Donald James Parker and Gary are meeting Penny and Jenny for another game of pickleball some other time. This is the part where Donald James Parker tries to flirt with Jenny and misses. And I wrote my notes at this point, it is super uncomfortable to reflect on how much of my life has now been spent watching this man pretend to flirt with women that he has paid to pretend to be into it. Yeah. That's like, you know, a percent now of my entire lifespan. It's something he has to be like, I like his calves.

Is what I was paid to say. I'm 18. Also, there was a moment here. The two girls, one cup girls are like you've got to do something better with your time. I feel bad for her. I really do They're German so then we're Then we get this weird scene this is Like there are so many scenes in this movie that don't matter We're skipping a bunch of them in shit And if we had to set a pretty low bar for mattering in order not to skip all of them But this scene it never plays into the movie in any other fucking way, but we can't not talk about it because they're just playing pickleball,

Jenny and Donald James Parker and a couple characters we've never met. When one of those characters suddenly has a heart attack and dies, this is unrelated. We've never met this character before. We will talk about him once in the next scene and never again the fact that he dies will factor into the plot in no fucking way Donald James Parker was like this man we need an emotional beat here art dies in fairness this happens about once per time I visit in reality so I

love to an accurate portrayal so Jenny starts doing CPR on the guy after that, somebody who's way closer to the microphone than anybody else goes, if you don't CPR do that. So good. When Jenny is over the guy who's dying, she's saying stop, stop, stop, which I really enjoyed she was like you're making a scene you're embarrassing me and then she tries to dial 9-1-1 gets it wrong you watch her be like no why did they stop the rotary so they would show that just cut the part where there's no second cuts. Or takes rather. So then we cut to more pickleball on a different day.

Donald James Parker, between matches, he stops in to ask Jenny about heart attack guy. He's like, well how's Art? And she's like, Dad. And he goes, oh, well, it's a depressing thing to throw in the middle of our fucking movie. Well, that's why you should always consult with your doctor before you start a new workout regime. Okay, there is a very blamey moment where she's like, well, you know, he didn't consult with his doctor before starting a new exercise regiment, and that's very important. So fuck that guy. It was a really funny bonus episode, Noah.

You should have known better. But then Donald James Parker says well you know that's really bad oh no that's really bad because that would maybe discourage people from playing pickleball knowing that you could have a heart attack. To which Jenny says yes but if you stop playing pickleball because you're afraid of dying haven't you died already? That's wisdom right there. I think we can all agree. I'm starting to be sold on Pickleball.

So then, okay, so... I'm definitely going to die on the Pickleball. Like, soon. I think you're going to get kicked out for yelling at a lady. Why a lady? She's going to be like, you're a 3.0, you're not supposed kicked out for yelling at a lady Why she's gonna be like you're a 3.0. You're not supposed to be in this tournament You're gonna be like fuck you Gladys if I didn't get if I didn't get kicked out. I'm glad your husband died He molested your daughter And they're gonna be like get out Heath we said we said you couldn't mention that again

Not after a little 3.0. They gave me one. You ruined Christmas We'll see how it goes So then okay Gladys is kind of a bitch Thank you speak your truth So then so he leaves down on's parking guys up and walks off. I'm still trying man, I keep this, somehow I keep this car on the road every fucking week. So then, so David comes back, right, sits down next to Jenny and she's like,

why were you talking to that fucking loser? What are you guys talking about? He's a fucking loser, he's barely even a fucking 3.0. And she goes, well we were actually talking about the guy who died of a heart attack, and he's like, well, he's a 0.0 now, like, fuck that guy too. And then, and then, in case your jaw just wasn't familiar with the floor, David looks up and he sees two, he sees a black couple that's come in in and he says, and I quote, well I hope I don't get matched with those coloreds. Oh! Look guys, I wasn't ready for the racism,

I mean it's Donald James Parker movie, I was ready for a little racism. I wasn't ready for 1961 racism though, right? I was unprepared. Think about how racist Donald James Parker had to be, that when he had to write a racist character he had to be like who with the Disney crows not like very much. Jesus. All right so here's the thing though and there's actually kind

of an important lesson in here because this is Donald James Parker trying to prove how progressive he is right because he's gonna go that and make friends with this African-American couple and, well, see, I'm very progressive and I'm not racist at all. So in order to make Donald James Parker not seem racist, he needed David to compare himself to, right? He needed a guy that would walk into the pickleball court and say, well, I'm not playing if there's going to be mulattos here, right? That was that's the game because everyone blood test before the pickleball game 116 yeah, right. So but but Donald James Parker he goes Jenny walks away cuz she hears that and she's like, she's like, you know, that's that's gross

I don't want to be around you anymore. I'm like go Jenny and she will forgive him in two scenes She totally will heads up before you get to on Jenny's side So she walks over and Donald James Parker sitting with this couple and he's like, oh, wow, Jenny I want you to introduce my my new friends and then he just sits there for a while realizing that he's forgotten their names their fictional names that he wrote and He just sits there real awkward for a second and goes, oh my new friends And they're like Billy I'm Billy Oh, do you think there's a cutscene where he tried to make up their names and they were like?

I am NOT gonna be shunned quiet. No fucking yeah, right, right The minute you said shot the answer was no The answer was no Donald fucking Billy dude all right all right so yeah don't name you Billy that's crazy so then so they explain this couple Billy and Connie explained that they're thinking they live in Atlanta but they're thinking about moving to Crossville Tennessee where this movie starts but they're really worried about either like but we're not sure if people like us will be welcome in Crossville and Donald James Parker said says he goes you mean city people

and then Jenny pipes in and says but sports have been great for you black people oh my god and what this African- American gentleman was forced to say I assume at gunpoint was, yep they sure have. So it's so much worse because the woman, the woman says that Connie says again Donald James Parker paid an African American woman to say to him, and I quote, well, the South has come a long way since we were kids. Hey, Tennessee, let me ask you something. Do you feel like the South has come a long way since you were kids?

Yeah, I think so. That's why we eat Lucky Charms for breakfast. Am I right? You got to, you got gotta cope however you can. Okay, so this was going badly. Heart stars horseshoes coping in balloons. But it could go so much worse, Heath. So, so it's going badly for Donald James Parker, or whatever his fucking name is in the movie,

and he's thinking like, okay, no, but let me, let me relate to let me relate I can save this let me rule I'm gonna save it you remember get together by the young bloods we're gonna sing it together he just randomly starts singing come on people now smile on your brother yeah that was actually the gentleman's face imagine me you're Imagine you're meeting a black person for the first time. Swing low. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I got turned out to be a day rapist. Do you remember that? That was crazy.

You're Jewish, right? You remember if I were a rich man? Hava! I love you, Hava! So and then, okay, my favorite part of this fucking scene is that everybody else starts singing along like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, And then okay my favorite part of this fucking scene is that everybody else starts singing along like how rumpfully they don't want to sing along Right, so they start singing along with them, but the microphone they're using is directional

So when one person's start singing the other person's voice drops out And they are not singing enthusiastic no no these people are like So but then so they're like, uh- This is why we lost the election right here. This movie, Donald James Parker is why we lost the election. Okay, I'll buy it. Not enough pickleball and him. So, they prove how racist they are by inviting this couple to drive around in their car and have dinner at Jenny's place.

Yeah, Jenny invites them, she's like, I'd like you to come over for dinner because of just the content of your character. Yes. That's it. That's what I... Yep. But this is where Billy and Connie realize that... Let's sing another song. Fuck the police. Maybe we could class pans in a photo. So then, so they invite them out. This is where Billy and Connie realize that they're not married, that Donald James Parker and Jenny aren't married.

Because as Donald James Parker explains at this point, they don't like labels. I'm sorry, I'm just telling them what's in. It's like four. It's three. How's your lip? It's only three. Is your lip. Okay, I then So then my dad we cut We cut to Penny and Jenny showing Penny's mom how into pickleball they are now I love this the only reason we even bring the scene up is because she says it at this point Look, hey look Lisa. I bought new shoes for pickleball

That is the only line in the scene that doesn't fail the Bechtel test, right? Like literally every single other line is about either David or Donald James Parker. The people who watch the movie are nodding along with me like, yes, we know this. The rectal test. But she sort of explains the, the love triangle that the movie's established so far, and she says that she likes David because he's rich, right? That's good. But she's not really interested in what a man has in his bank account.

She's interested in what a man has right here, in his lavalier mic. So loud. It's a big thump. So loud. It's a big thump. Yeah. She says at this point, she doesn't want to mention if there's a tear in every room. Yes.

I want a mansion of fucking tears. Yes. You can swim. What's the matter? Is that like a different translation of the Bluebeard story that I haven't heard? And you must never enter the tear room. I think it's from a song, but it's another one of those pop culture references of Donald James Parkers.

Dolly Parton B-side. Yeah. So then we cut to Jenny and David. They're playing some pickleball. This is where David forgives her for talking to the black couple at the thing. He forgives her for not being racist. She's like, well, first of all, I didn't apologize for that. And he's like, you wanted to. I could tell I could tell. And then she continues the conversation. Right.

She's like, you got me, I did. So, and then it gets really fucking weird because this is the scene where they're going to break up. But she's like, you will, you know, I I've been starting to feel lately, like you're treating me like a pickleball trophy. And we're like, okay, that's bad's bad but like he's also a raging fucking racist. He used the word coloreds with a U in the last scene. Jenny focus up girl. Right, right. Okay this is a good point I don't like what I wrote which was like I'd be honored by being the pickleball. Okay that's four. That's four now. That's four. How many do I get?

He goes, it's not four. But she breaks up with him and he says, and I quote, you're as big as a loser as Donald, Donald James Parker's character's name is Thomas. So he says, you're as big as a loser as Tommy boy. And, and my spell check is like, are you fucking sure, is that that's and I'm like yeah man I fucking hype fucking brackets sick and it's like yeah but still though it's it's her ball yes yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but yeah she explains that she can't be with him anymore because she can't be with a racist so at least she did eventually remember the racism oh and also the Yeah, yeah, but yeah, she explains that she can't be with him anymore because she can't be with a racist.

So at least she did eventually remember the racism. Oh, and also the racism! Yes, right. At this point I wrote in my notes, my man, you made a movie called Hearts are Trump. There's no saving it now. You made a movie about how friends don't let friends be Jewish. We saw it. That's where we learned about you. All right. Well, it looks like David needs a minute for a few deep breaths, so we're going to take another break.

But first, let me give Act 3 the hard sell. Will Donald James Parker express a dream of being a pickleball ambassador? Is that the saddest dream that anyone has ever had? Is that the saddest dream that anyone could ever have? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the exciteless conclusion of Pickleball Princess. Okay, but if I take out a second mortgage, then

I'm doubling the investment. No, no, same house man. But I get a jacuzzi this time. Hey, hey guys, whatcha doin'? Oh, he's helping me out with my finances for my Christmas present this year. It is not going well. That's not true! I learned what a euro is. Look, Eli, if you want to make better money choices, why don't you just try Rocket Money? You mean be born into an emerald mining family so I can spend my functionally infinite wealth on space travel? I wish!

No illusions. No, not that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills. With Rocket Money, I can see all of my subscriptions in one place and if I see something I don't want, I can cancel it with a tap. I never have to get on the phone with customer service. They'll even try to get you a refund for the last couple of months of wasted money and

negotiate to lower your bills for you by up to 20%. All you have to do is take a picture of your bill and Rocket Money takes care of the rest. I don't know Noah, do people actually use this thing? Sure do. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has helped save its members an average of $720 a year with over $500 million in cancelled subscriptions. Alright Noah, I'm sold. Where do I sign up?

Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash awfulmovies. That's rocketmoney.com slash awfulmovies. Rocketmoney.com slash awfulmovies. Alright, so I guess we can stop doing these lessons, huh Heath? Still going to try to buy stocks, quote, on the bounce? Uh, yes?

Then we still need lessons. Yeah, that tracks. Hi, I'm Tony D. Does your Christian movie need an all-American activity to center around? Do your incidents need to be incited in a way that's fun for the whole family? Well, come on down to Tony D's house of Christian movie sports. We've got conflict your audiences will identify with. I can't hit the ball good.

Neither can I. I love this movie. Dad's being proud of their sons in a socially acceptable manner. I'm proud of you son. Oh man? Wish my dad had said that to me. And getting good at a thing through a commitment to an outside set of ideas. For Jesus!

Wow, a home run! I could totally do that. Tony D's House of Christian Movie Sports. The movie version of putting on your high school letterman jacket. Still fits. No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. And we're back. We're back for yet still more of this

shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Donald James Parker dropping some big news on Jenny. He's decided not to quit pickleball after all. He is going to go on to be a pickleball Ambassador as we hinted leading in yeah our country's too polarized it is That's what he explains that he's gonna use pickleball to heal the political divide in this country, okay So I look this up. It's real the US does have a pickleball ambassador. Oh,'re gonna say we are polarized a little yeah we are I look this up it turns out we don't know get along with all you didn't website that used to be called Twitter there is a pickleball ambassador imagine sending someone you think is gonna talk

about pickleball to fucking China and it's Donald James. Imagine if you don't think he's gonna end up in the cabinet. Yeah it's happening. He's being appointed as we speak. Right. So yeah so but he pulls out his pickleball rocks t-shirt. This is a call back to something that was so pointless we didn't even bother to mention it. Jenny's very impressed despite the fact that she hadn't been introduced into the movie at the point that we hadn't been introduced into the movie at the point that we're calling back to, but that's fine. But this is where Donald James Parker explains

that he wants to cure racism. Pfft. With pickleball. That's the plot now. This is why we lost the election. Not enough pickleball. Not enough pickleball. So, but Jenny tells him that she's broken up with David, they're

not together anymore, and he tells her that he is not as prideful about beating David anymore. He still wants to do it, but not with a bunch of pride. With like medium pride. Yeah. Like the right amount of pride. But also, so we mentioned before that, sorry we failed to mention before that the way that David like wormed his way into her depends in the first place was by, was by- Oh, when I was rubber cement and you were all against me. But when grandpa time over here does it,

it's all chuckles and giggles. It's okay to make fun of yourself. But the way- Generational racism. Yes. We need to play pickleball. It's okay to make fun of yourself. Generational racism. We need to play pickleball. That would fix it. But the way he got there in the first place, the way he looked up with her was by being her pickleball instructor.

So at this point, James Parker's like, well, if you're in the market for a pickleball instructor, perhaps I could be your pickleball instructor. Except they learned to play the game at the same fucking time. Well, actually, she's been playing for like three days longer than him. And he's very bad at Pickleball. He's going to mansplain it to her, though. And then Penny's like, okay, come on, guys, let's play Pickleball. That scene's

over. And they're like, oh like oh okay so then we get we get this bizarre scene we had a very like long conversation between the three of us about whether to bring this scene up at all because it's so fucking pointless this is the scene where it turns out that grandma Jenny has an old friend from college who is now a pickleball superstar and so they they Facebook call her they Facebook call her. They Facebook call her you know that thing your phone accidentally did one time and it was the third most horrifying thing

that's ever happened to you. They do it on purpose and luckily she's sitting there waiting for a Facebook phone call in a three piece suit. Yes. She says, Wait, are you a pickler? That is a term we use sometimes. It's pretty cool. It's a term of my proud people. And I love to refer you not use it. No illusions. Not until you've earned your pattern. A pick a pick law a pick law. So earned your pattern. A pick law. A pick law. So, I really appreciate you laughing because if nobody laughed I was going to have to leave. I was going to have to just walk right the fuck out of

your backwards. No one comes back out in the Dolly Parton costume. Hello! Smurr, Dolly Parton! Children's book. She gives everyone a children's book. She does. She does. So then we cut to Donald James Parker. He is showing his, he is now sharing the power of pickleball with his pastor. Right? It's going to justify its inclusion in GAM. After all, he pitches a pickleball picnic that the church could put on that summer. Yeah, but he doesn't explain it right away. He just goes pickleball picnic. And I wanted the pastor to be. Yeah, but he doesn't explain it right away. He just goes,

pickleball picnic. And I wanted the pastor to be like, do you mean we hollow out pickles and feel the exquisite pleasure of fucking one? Because yes, Thomas, I thought I was alone. I thought I would recognize you from your profile picture on the forum. But yes. So he teaches the pastor how to play pickleball. We cut to the end of the match. Weird how nobody ever sweats in these games of pickleball in this movie.

But it's over and the pastor's like, yeah, that is real fun. We could do the picnic. And this is where Donald James Parker, he explains that he'd also like to open up the gym for pickleball at the church. That's going to be very important later. No, it's not and then we cut we cut to donald james parker skyping with a potential pickleball coach well not just any no potential pickleball coach no rome fucking maxi yes the rome maxi everybody of of mercy The Romy Maxey everybody. Wait, wait, wait. Of, of no Mercy Pickleball? Of no Mercy Pickleball!

Yes. That guy. So, so now here's the thing. They had, they had This bottle was full at the beginning of the show so... It was. So I wonder... He's playing himself, it's awesome. Yes, right, so they've got two Pickleball like

superstars in their movie, right? And both of them Skype in. So this guy is going to give us the pitch that he genuinely gives for a living and he is going to fuck it up. So goddamn bad. Right? This is what he actually does. And he's, he tells us about his pickleball dating app.

He does. He does. And Donald James Parker thinks for a second that Romy Maxey is flirting with him. Because he mentions, he's like, are you single? Because I got this app going and he gets weird and homophobic. I have a girlfriend in the movie. And I was like, nice, DJP, dilutions of Grindr. Solid. Well done. And then he gives us...

His app should be called... Volley Amorous. Oh my god, he had a follow up. Eli, are you on his website right now? I'm on his website. Are you swiping right as we speak? I checked this out too. So I have to talk, I don't want to read the whole bio because it will slow us down. Please don't.

But I do want to talk about his credentials. PhD in motor skills and kinesiology. 5.0 F at IFP national rating. And this is my favorite part. One time TAFF state champion. One time USA national champ on the front of the website. Yep. And even say it's like one ax. Yeah, right. He also by the way has a pickleball shoe that he gives us the hard sell on in the movie Right. He starts telling us what he says well, you know when you play pickleball the toes of your shoes wear out very quickly and

So Donald James Parker says and I quote oh, yeah I'm wearing out my shoes at the toe faster than a porcupine wears out as welcome at a balloon factory Count the words with me It's so and also like does he think balloons are manufactured blown up What what is he picturing here? I mean, like they wouldn't welcome a porcupine but no more or less than a raccoon. I don't. I'm sorry. I have like four pages of notes on that analogy. He really does. It's a lot. We're skipping most of it. I just like that they have an ad at this. Romi Matsu insisted on an ad for his shoes, and he's like, hit the thing and use the promo code.

There's practically a promo code in it. Yes. It's great. So you know the only thing worse than a Donald James Park movie? A Donald James Park movie with auto ads. There you go. Absolutely. Dear old pickleball.

So then. One one hundredth of you get that joke. Thank you. Thank you. Sometimes worse things are worse. Can we really quick talk about the screen? My podcast! Can we talk about your podcast? No, making ramen with Heath. Let's talk about my dead dad. Oh Jesus Christ. I just want to point out that we get to see Donald James Parker's screen while he's Facebook with Roman and he is first of all he's Don pickleball is his Facebook name is Don pickleball Donald James Parker and he is using

Microsoft edge like a fucking monster yeah he also has a McAfee window like open like an active because the only thing dumber to believe in in Christianity is McAfee anti-facuous protection. Right. Uh-oh, here come the invaders. Good, a thing I installed will keep them out. Written by a guy who sells meth out of Bahamas. He's dead. And now he's dead. So then we cut to the churches pickleball picnic. Struck down by Antifa. So we cut to the churches having their pickleball picnic. The music is pretty sure that townsfolk are realizing that they can rebuild it if they try to

do it together. Okay but the song. Yes. We've got to build a bridge. Build a bridge. What's amazing is it's very clearly a woman who had a guitar and she was like, we've got to build a bridge. And the guy was like, stop. It's perfect. She was like, no, that's all I fucking got, man. And he was like, how many more times can you sing that? It does not matter. For the record, I asked Anna to write a parody song called We Gotta Kill a Judge, but Noah said no. He did. He did. He beat the fucking joke too, isn't it? And it's crossed out in the notes. Bolded. Bolded, I say. Underscored. So now, but here's the thing though. So as this chorus is, so they're all

playing pickleball badly. Now we have to point out like 40% of this movie is pickleball shots, always from a distance. Right now we're not talking about highlights of a pickleball badly. Now we have to point out like 40% of this movie is pickleball shots always from a distance right now we're not talking about highlights of a pickleball match we're talking about from a distance to where you can barely see the goddamn ball right so they're singing this song we build the bridge now bridges that's a pretty complicated concept. Hold on what's a fucking brick? Exactly exactly you need a visual cue of some sort so I shit you not when the chorus comes up and starts singing we build a bridge It starts showing us still shots of bridges It's like a stock

We build oh bridge yes, I See, they go back for the Golden Gate in like a later visual aid chat. So like some people were like, I still don't fucking get it. And they're like, oh, fucking, Ian, where to, San Francisco, or whatever. That's what I thought, like when they showed the Golden Gate, I was like, is that, I feel like that bridge is too gay for a

Donald James Barker movie. But no, barely, Pickleball's opened his mind. Not the only thing it opened but then and also so we should point out his heart it opened his heart we got a gay bridge gay bridge gay bridge we need to emphasize here use a speculum on Donald James Parker. We need to emphasize here quick before Eli goes any further. How many Rubik's cubes can you fit in Donald James Parker's rectum? And can he solve them? So somebody guessed two. Okay. That was not a guess. That was clearly not a guess. Yeah.

It felt more than... okay. So... Lucky charms. So okay, but this is what we need to emphasize here that during this picnic, now they have just talked quite a bit in this movie about how they're gonna use pickleball as outreach to cure racism and all the polarization in the country and the song is about how we're gonna build a bridge between all of these different people. Everyone at the picnic is white. They're doing this whole, like, we're gonna reach out

and bring people together, it's the same, they're all from the same church. They're the same denomination of the same religion, and the song's like, work here in racism, and we're like like are you fucking sure They even show the image of the forehands grasping of different colors all grasping each other's wrists and it spins like the front Of a college brochure. Yes But you're making Rick do two of the arms

Rick do you mind if we lotion one of your arms before we take this picture? So then, okay, so now Donald James Parker, the song ends, Donald James Parker and his pastor are giving us the post montage assessment. The pastor loves it, everybody loves pickleball, so he's cool with opening up the gym to play pickleball and Donald James Parker says, okay but what about Mexicans? He says, that's that's almost an exact quote, he says I want to get the Latinos involved so can we have a Latino day? He actually says a Hispanic day. Hispanic day which implies that they are either A, only allowed on that day, which is not great, or that white people are not allowed on that day, which I would argue is slightly less

great. Well, and also, the question is bad, but the pastor's response is so much worse. He goes, well, as you know, my daughter-in-law is Hispanic so yes so really but only because my blood has already been sullied by her dirt some of my best in-laws are the Tink's is look Latin X's she took us to that Mexican place where you can drink it keel out of someone's ass In Noah's hometown. Yes This is why we lost the election Because you can drink it to keel out of someone's ass

That's that's partially. Yeah. Yes. I see it. Actually. Yeah looking around what happened in waycross afterwards. Yes Yes, I see it. Actually, yeah, looking around what happened in waycross afterwards. Yes, that's what so we should point out That like nothing else happens in this scene, right? This entire scene is just some of my best friends are Mexican Bye Right and speaking of some of his best friends. Yes, and yeah, so then we cut to Donald James Parker he's playing at the church with Billy and He's wearing Eli sneakers which made me totally us he totally is the velcro do you have oh shit you're using laces now well no these are fact did you get laces just to fuck it up first of

all Anna bought me these three Christmases in a row because people kept involuntarily committing me to hospitals do you know so anitize them for you these are yes these are if you haven't seen these, these are fat people shoes. So you know how you're fat fat and you got to stomp your way into your shoes like Godzilla? So Kizzix, this brand, let me plug, gave up and they were like we could make the heel. But how are the toes for pickleball? Oh that's a good question, good question. but you can just step into them it's great so thank you Eli for bring you you've been on dear old dad's too damn long you can't you just can't not do a sudden fucking out with so okay so now so we cut to Donald James Parker and Billy they're

playing pickleball and Donald James Parker explains that he wants Billy's help reaching out to the black community With pickleball he explains he's like well, you know, we have to go to Atlanta Because there's just not enough black people here in Crossville Guys Okay. All right. I'm sorry if I'm grinding the fucking humor to a halt. I looked this up y'all Crossville was a fucking sundown town The sign the the no black people after fucking son that went down in 1956

Yeah, so and the movies just like well, I don't know where they are. They were here Jesus yeah, you trapped in the movie from 40 years ago. That's right. Well, and then, and then he's like. And he was the Donald Timberlake, he was there in 1956. Right, right. He probably put up the fucking sign.

Also, also I have to point this out, while they're having this conversation, there's somebody standing like right next to their microphone, hitting a pickleball as hard as they fucking can, drowning out their dialogue. It's a prank. It's got to be a prank. It's awesome. Just so, it's exploding. You know he was taking up the pickle ball courts for like the third day in a row. Yes, yeah. And Ed was like, there's no way I'm canceling for a third day in a row. I'm giving this

lesson to Heathen, right? He paid his $250. He's getting this lesson. 2.5. So then, but then, so they're talking about... Why is it so much? I don't know why it's so much. They're doing a bodega price on you. I bet it's... You think they're just talking about me? I bet everyone else is like, it's $50 and you join the club for free. They're like $800. So, and also in case this scene wasn't racist enough, there's a point here where he's talking

and Billy's like, yeah, no, I'll go to Atlanta and help teach the African American community to pickleball with you. Speaking of teaching black people to play pickleball, you know where else would be great to go. with you. Speaking of teaching black people to play pickleball, you know where else would be great to go? Jail! To which Donald... and look, here's the... It's like, hey, I'm black, right? Jail! Yes, prisons! And to which Donald replies, no, no, no, no. He hates us! No, no, no. I'm scared of those people. I was hesitant to invoke any kind of joy in those places. For their god lingers not. Anyways, let's move on with the scene. And they do. Yep. He asks Billy if Billy will be his

partner at the senior Olympics. And Billy goes, well, won't your friends stop hanging out with you if you play pickleball with a black man? And he's like, oh yeah, no one my friends probably, yeah. So you saw hearts or trouble, huh? Sorry about that. We gotta play before sundown. He doesn't. Hurry it up Billy! Oh my god. It's getting dark, big fella!

So yeah. So but they agree to do that, they'll never do it in the movie, don't worry. So okay, so now it's time, quite for the big tournament the finale tournament and because they know that they can't actually shoot pickleball matches we skipped the prelims and the quarter finals and the semi finals and we just get Donald James Parker walking up to a lady going oh yeah I won all the matches and she says okay well you're in the finals now with David. So now that's the we're setting up for the big for the big final match between him and his

pickleball rival. He goes to the stands to like kind of chat with with Jenny and all the other named characters. This is where Gary explains the strategy that he has to employ to win this game. Sweep the leg. It's pretty close to sweep the leg. It's pretty close to sweep. He has to use his mobility advantage. Remember from before he mentioned that several times. But Donald's too honorable to use his advantage in sports. Well, we'll get there. We'll get there right now. That is the plan. Jenny bestows upon him her scrunchie. I guess it's supposed to be like the wreath

on the lance kind of a thing or whatever they're going for. So yeah right it's brilliant. Hey that is pretty good writing. Did any of you think of the Cosmo thing? The what? Yeah okay I got one nod that's right I just needed you thank you. So then we I'll explain later. I have learned not to ask for details Is it a sex thing? It's a sex nice. Of course. It's a sex thing It's always a sex. Yeah, it's always a sex thing. If I don't know it If I do know it is yeah, right that's and when those two come together Yeah, so okay me and chat BT. It's a sex thing

wink it's a sex thing. Wink. So okay, so then so David and Donald James Parker are pickleballing. David wins the first set. We have no idea how many sets they're playing. So boring. It's incredibly boring. It's so boring watching your dad's friends play tickleball. But we do get this. Watching them play tickle Ball is fun. That's lemonparty.org. And it's more enjoyable than this movie. Yeah, a lot of play that one after sundown, I'll tell you. So then. So, but the highlight of this scene, though,

because in order for this game to work, for this scene to work, David needs to get hurt, right? He needs to injure himself. And this actor pretending to hurt his ankle is just the greatest goddamn thing I've ever seen in a Donald James Parker movie, except for all the like, pretending to be injured he does afterwards, which is even better somehow. He pretends to hurt his ankle by running full speed into a fence with his entire body. Sure does.

Sure does. And that will get your ankle every time. And then he fucking starts limping around like Eli trying to get on to an airplane early or something. So but now we're between. I do need extra time. They didn't ask why. The answer is because I'm a very special boy.

You write a joke. Said retired military or very special boy. Exactly. I retired before I ever joined. Thank me for my not service. Honestly, yeah, that probably helped us out a ton. Yeah. Exactly, yeah. So probably helped us out of time. Yeah. So okay, so now we're back on the court.

It's time for the finale. And we watched some random goddamn pickleball shots. Now at this point they're showing us whole rallies. But we don't know what the score is. And we don't know how many sets each person has won. And we don't know how many they're playing to. So it's just watching people play fucking pickleball again.

And it's not shot well enough that you can see someone is missing a shot like no makes you appreciate tennis in movies because you're like oh when I was watching those other movies I knew what the fuck was happening but in this you just see like and Puh! Puh! Puh! Puh! Puh! Puh! And the camera's like, you get it, right? Right, right, except that there is no point where we ever see somebody hit four goddamn laps.

Absolutely not, of course. Never, in one single shot, not even close. So yeah, so we watched this for so fucking long, and then, but eventually we find that David is up 10-9 11 points wins in pickleball but you gotta win by two and presumably this is game point I I'm basing that entirely on how much runtime was left in the movie at this point they don't tell us it is match point oh 11 generally yeah exciting right but we don't know again we don't know how many sets of points the

fastest burger is working so so but wins, but the shot was out and Donald James Parker didn't notice it. But now, inspired by how nice David's being not use or Donald James Berger's being by not using his mobility advantage against him. David is becoming more honest and sportsman like player. So he says, stop redeeming the racist guy. Is it right? Yeah. He called

someone colored 20 minutes ago. I'm not really. Yep. Well, this is not how he wins me back. He even turns to Donald James Parker. He's like, hey, why aren't you using your mobility advantage? And Donald James Parker says, again, I have to quote directly and I have to warn you that this is a direct quote. He says, I wouldn't find any pleasure in beating a semi lame a man to what the fuck but the point is like what would Jesus do in pickleball right that's like the Christian they're like serious yeah do a Christian message yeah exactly they they mentioned the golden rule mm-hmm like do unto others like so, do unto others. So like, lose unto others as others would lose.

That has nothing to do with sports. So with David, like, upon hearing this, David's like, wow, you're a better man than me. And you have a larger penis, I bet, too. But then David turns to him and he's like, hey. He has good mobility. Right. No, he's got great mobility.

Yeah. It's about the motion. It's not about the size. It's, yes, exactly. It's about the mobility advantage. So... You've got to be able to get to those corners. There's corners, right? It's at the crest of the...

So David... So then, but then Donald James Parker's like, well, but you're being a good sportsman too because you called that ball out even though you could have won. And David explains that he has too much respect for the game of pickleball to lie about a ball being in when it was clearly out. If we don't have pickleball honesty, we don't have anything. This scene felt like when the New York Times opinion staff put on their little suits to pretend they were sad that Trump won Yeah, right when they were like, oh, I guess we got to get out our ring light

We done done it again everybody I was like what the fuck is happening So then so then Jenny comes over to congratulate him right into his lov mic for a bit. He says something here about how, you know, the world isn't honest enough and hopefully pickleball will save that. You made a movie called hearts are Trump. Yes. Right. No, I wrote like the irony of the world isn't honest enough being the first honest thing

in this movie has not lost on me sir But then we cut to one another heart attack. Yes It was a little one you have to tell me So heart attack stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop He Dial 9-1-1. Dial 9-1-9. 9-1-9-9-1.

1-9-9-1-1-9-1. 9-1-9. 1-1-9-9-1-1. 9. 7. Wait, 7? Adding those all up. So then okay, so then we cut over to Gary and Penny so that they can relieve their sexual attention. I wrote it like there are- Will they? Won't they?

Right, yeah exactly. Thank God they got back to this plot. Right, the grandson and the granddaughter. Now there are 12 goddamn minutes left in this fucking movie, right? The movie's over. There's still 12 minutes. So you're thinking to yourself, what is he gonna have this fucking movie right the movie's over there's still 12 minutes so you're thinking to yourself What is he gonna have this fucking teenage couple sit there and wax intellectual about the ephemeral nature of human life for 11 minutes? Yes He says do you think people ever making a movie stop and consider that they'll all be dead one day He does he literally says he's like well You know being in a movie gives you a sort of an immortality and everything And I'm like does it though? I think people listen to this podcast when we're Yeah, certainly when you're dead

Yeah, they'll be looking for clues This will technically count as a note. I think I get the 3.5 though if I die, right? Oh, for sure. They got to give that to me. Oh yeah, no, she'll lay a wreath on your grave with the 3.45. 3.459. So, Gary and Penny are sitting there talking.

We watch a lady walks by with her dog, and just we watch that happen in complete fucking silence for like 40 seconds. And then Gary goes, Penny for your thoughts. And Penny's like, I have no thoughts. My dad said I'm not supposed to have those no more. Yeah, right, right. Booker Thomas says, yeah, but they explain how being in a movie makes you immortal.

There's also this really long bit where Gary starts explaining how you shouldn't fall in love with somebody based solely on their looks, because eventually they'll look like a wet Q-tip was brought to life by Dr. Frankenstein, but they might still be really good and have a mobility advantage, so it doesn't matter. So Donald James Parker was almost done writing this movie. And then somebody was clearly like, hey man, you look like fucking Dave Foley with rickets. And then he was like, fuck, I don't write a scene about the inevitable march of death. This is more of a pickleball movie than a race Christian.

Right, because the reason these lines are in the movie is because Donald James Parker had a moment of self-realization, right? He was writing Pickleball Princess and he was like, someday I'll be dead. That's what I was thinking during the scene too. Oh, Donald. But like, Donald Parker's not going to be dead. Because Jesus, right? Right.

Yeah, no, he lives forever, yeah. If I thought I was just going to upgrade three floors, I would never think about it except in like a pleasant way. Right. You would think. Unless they're all full of shit. Yeah. I'll... Also, there's also, yeah.

Christianity. Big if true. Yeah. So and also I just I have to point this out because again, like this is sort of a, at the end of Donald James Parker movies, there's often just a bucket of all the shit he wanted to say that he didn't manage to sneak into the script,

right? So we're getting that. And Penny and Gary are talking about how, you know, even sometimes very promising marriages don't work out. Gary starts talking about how well you know in the movies you see people they'll get the guy I'll propose two weeks after meeting the girl and of course those marriages always end in divorce and I only want to I only point that out because Lucinda and I were engaged two

weeks after we got married and we're gonna be celebrating our 28th anniversary in February. Suck it Donald James Parker Parker. Suck it, DJP. It's not that there isn't love. It's that there's no love for you. We're going to be the only ones at your funeral, Donald. Just the three of us doing bits out loud. out loud. Fucking bits. It's about fucking. And then at the very end of this scene, the 17 year old girl says, and I quote, everyone needs a break from the stress of reality in my opinion, you know, like 17-year-olds often say, and then the 17-year-old boy says also exercises like pickle ball help delay aging, like 17-year-old boys

are so often want to say. I mean, to be fair, as someone who now looks like they could be the dad of the cartoon on our step and repeat, I might try some more. So and then, okay, so there are still like fucking eight minutes left in this goddamn stupid movie and then sometimes later Donald James Parker is chilling with Jenny and they're going to spend about seven fucking minutes of the remainder of this movie talking about how at their age you're a bit of an ornery prick no matter what you do and it's okay to not be able to love other people. Yeah, because this is supposed to be the we're going to get married conversation but instead

they're like, but I kind of have the coffee station set up the way I like it. Yes, that's right. No, but that's exactly what he does. He spends fucking seven minutes going like, you know, I'd love to get married to you But like you use the wrong peanut butter. I can come over any time. I don't know You have your space It's great. We'll see each other like once a week. It's fine. There's a texting needs to be pertinent information There's a moment here where they start wondering if all

pickleball players go to heaven. I'm not me I sit where I'm not making that up they're like well you know some pickleball players probably burn in hell like Heath for example. And not just for what he said about Mrs. Jorgens husband for other reasons but mostly because of what he said about Mrs. Jorgens husband for other reasons too. But mostly because of what he said about Mrs. Jorgens husband. Yeah, right, right. And then he quotes this weird fucking poem and the girl, the Jenny starts trying to like say it along with him but she keeps fucking up the words. So they get, they get done with it and she goes again, I have to quote the movie directly, she goes, I love that quote by Edwin Markham.

Right? Yeah. Right. Right? Edwin Markham? Come on. You got any Markheads in the house? Those are the fiber one years.

The raisin brands. So, but Donald James Parker explains that people at their age can't possibly change to please other people, and because he paid her to respond to him, she goes, exactly, that is correct. It's not your fault at all that that relationship didn't work out.

She says something about being like a dry lake at this point. Yeah, okay. All right. They make lubricants for that now. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. It's like rubber cement down there.

It's actually a disease, technically. He goes, he goes- And say, DJP, and I'll just I'll stop the top being crazy whatever Well, right cuz he goes at this when he goes he goes like we could have a pickleball wedding and and Heath writes in his notes Okay. Well, that's actually pretty good IT and Pickleball venue. I Think and said fuck your face. I couldn't I think Ann said fuck your face. I couldn't hear for sure. That's what I heard.

It's fun because if you're facing the other direction you get to watch Heath's fiancee regret her decisions. Also, there's this weird moment here too where they're all talking and he's going like, oh you know we could have a pickleball wedding. wedding we just you don't get to break them up yet so wait yet there's a whole fucking thing we had a company meeting about it oh you mean like after today's show yeah yeah exactly no it's after the wedding we wanted to get a wedding out of it for financial purposes. Got you a wedding episode, a baby episode, Christmas episode. Yeah, and then a divorce episode. One of us has to get divorced. Me and Eli have way more invested in this shit, I'm just saying.

Sunk cost fallacy. Gotta take one for the team here. Thank you, math people or whatever. All right. But then there's a really long weird moment where Jenny explains that your entire personality can't be based around Pickleball to which Donald James Parker responds, my Facebook name is Don fucking Pickleball. Okay.

Don't say that to me now, lady. Pickleball, Pickleball, Pickleball. fucking pickleball okay don't say that to me now lady pickleball okay to be clear this movie ends with pickleball cannot be your entire personality and then a song where the lyrics are pickleball based on jingle bells they're singing jingle bells but with pickleball in there pickleball pickleball pickleball in there. Pickleball, pickleball, pickleball, pickleball. Like Anna singing about her dog, right? Mag, mag, mag, mag, mag. I don't care for that comparison, no, it isn't. I'm going to require a public apology for that comparison. Marjorie Taylor Bosnik has done too good work. Tyrell.

It's not, yeah, you got your fucking dog's name wrong. I'm having a stroke. Oh, okay. So that I can get on the plane early. All right. But that's the end of the movie. But I feel like we all know how this week's episode had to end. I feel pretty confident in saying that though he did not show up tonight, we saved him a fucking coward. I look around real quick. Yeah, just make sure he could be wearing a wig.

Look to your left, look to your right, one of those people is Donald James Parker. But even though he's not here tonight, I feel fairly confident that he is listening to this in the future. So Heath, is there anything that you'd like to say to perhaps a challenge you might like? Yes, yes! Best of seven, me and you DJP loser switches to winners religious beliefs. I'm a 3.5 motherfucker, like a real one, after I pay Gladys. Don't listen to what a bitch Gladys says. Jesus Stickler.

That's going to do it for our review of Pickleball Princess and it's going to do it for episode 485. Thanks to everybody here at the Nashville Sheraton Grand who helped us this weekend. Thanks to Dan who's been doing sound for us, he's been awesome. Thanks to Morgan Clark. Now Morgan didn't actually make it on the trip but he was still a huge help getting all the audio stuff sorted out. Huge thanks to Tim Robertson who always busts his ass to make our live shows great. He's right back there. Huge thanks to Anna Bosnik for keeping you guys entertained during the interstitials. That's right, listeners at home, they got Anna songs while you were getting ads.

And of course, a big thanks to Lucinda Lujans for helping at the merch table. And the biggest thanks of all to all of you for coming out. Thank you so much for making this happen and yeah clap for yourselves too you deserve it there it is and with that and the reminder for those of you who are here live that there is still one more Anna song to come but only if you're here live we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Donald J... interesting. Hold on. Somebody made like a... We're almost there. All right breakfast... just give it a second. Give it a second. We're gonna edge uh out of this.

Donald James Parker went on to solve the war in Gaza with walking laps in the mall with Velcro sneakers? Sure did. And Jesus. Gary's friend Brad is still in that bathroom for all we know. Where the fuck did Brad go in the movie? I forgot about him. He's just still shitting, okay. Donald James Parker, defeated Heathen Wright. Seven to zero.

Oh, he got pickled? Shut up, Morgan. Morgan cut this, and his Christian comedy tour starts this summer. He's one, pickled him 11, zero. And he's an atheist him 11 starts this year. And he's an atheist now caught up in the kitchen. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and Thunderstorm LLC copyright twenty twenty four all rights reserved.