God Awful Movies - 487: I Believe in Santa

Episode Date: December 31, 2024

This week, the Christmas-tacular spills over into the last week of December. --- Check out more from Cara on the Talk Nerdy podcast If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/

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please contact Connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. All right, so, but yeah. Wow. First you come for the Disney adults, then you come for the comic nerds. Oh, fat guys don't look bald when they have goatees Kara, why don't you just destroy my audience before the end of the year? I think poly couples just don't like each other anymore I think I just wanna take down, no, tear any other curtains off my walls Kara Burn it down my house It is my house!

God-awful movies! Welcome back to the GAMCast where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema because ideas sound better when you're high. I'm your host, Noah Lujans. Heath is off this week, but sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend, Eli Bosnik. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Phenomenal, Noah. I don't believe you. I've done it. I found the worst movie.

Yes! And also joining us for the worst movie one last time in 2024 is the host of Talk Nerdy, Kara Santa Maria. Kara, welcome back. How does it keep getting worse? I know, right? No, right? Because this is like 487 that we've done.

And this may very well be the least fun I've ever had watching one of these. The Mozart of finding movies that are bad, bad, Yeah bad bad very bad. Remember the gift basket Kara I do I I make a comment later that those pairs do not make up for this I do nothing. Yeah, no good pairs though. I love you guys, but you know what to be fair I don't actually like the pairs. I told you that well now there's three years in a row. We've just insulted you Why don't actually like pears. Have I told you that? Well, now there's three years in a row we've just insulted you with pears. Why don't I like pears? Because to me they're like wrong apples. Yeah. Sure. You get that? Yeah, yeah.

Oh good. Sometimes I say that to people, they don't get it. I like pears because everyone is the sloppy baby that I naturally am when they eat a pear. Oh, that's true. So while normal people are like, oh my god, I'm like a dog swallowed a goose when they eat a pear. That's true. So while normal people are like, Oh my God, I'm like a dog swallowed a goose when they eat a pear. I'm like, Oh, I laughed. Excuse. So messy loves company.

Alright, so other than pear, Stella's care, what will we be breaking down today? Okay, so this was a movie with an actual budget and like working actors you may recognize called I Believe in Santa. It's the story of a mentally ill lawyer who gaslights an entire family into sharing in his delusions while doing arts and crafts with safety scissors. Sure is. That is it though. That's the movie.

The whole fucking movie. Yeah. So I should point out you're hearing this after Christmas but we're recording it beforehand and Eli was damned if he was only going get one movie into his Christmas tackler this year No, clearly not clearly not so Eli how bad was this movie Well, if you've been thinking on further reflection that the ideas of miracle on 34th Street might be bad ideas of Miracle on 34th Street might be bad. So you'd like someone to double down on the worst ideas in it with all the mitigating factors out of the way.

You will love this movie. Your mom has decided the argument she started is over. Well, eventually, eventually. Okay, so the conceit of this movie is that there's a grown ass man who believes in Santa Claus, but I need to warn the listeners out front that that is not introduced until like the 40th minute of the film. Yeah, you just spoiled the whole, that's the only thing that happens in this movie. Right.

Well, yeah, until then it's just about a boring couple having different favorite holidays. That's the whole thing. I need to, I need to spoil it so that people will know that something is coming I think they should have shared our experience no illusions. I disagree. I think I think everyone should go through what we went through but keep in mind that the best thing about this is that she will react the same to His favorite holiday is Christmas for the first 39 minutes of the movie as she will to I Literally believe Santa is real in the remaining hour and 20 minutes That is the whole movie sure as fuck well alright So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at?

Okay, I'm gonna just put it out there. We can talk about it later Best worst face hell. Yeah, girl. Okay it out there. We can talk about it later. Best worst face. Hell yeah, girl. Okay. All right. We're going there. I'm glad to know we're going there. All right. I was going to go with Best worst accidentally disproving God. Yeah, I remember that. That was a big one. This is not at all a religious movie, right? This is a movie on Netflix and it's very clearly

designed to be sort of a secular Christmas movie. And even explicitly a couple of times talks about the secular nature of our cultural Christmas and stuff. But in comparing God repeatedly and God belief to Santa belief, they're like trying to bolster this believe in Santa shit. They accidentally do the opposite. Yeah, a few times. Yep. They're trying to be like, well, I guess if you don't believe in Santa, you should stop believing in God. And I was just watching the movie being like, not doing what you think you're doing, mon frère. No. And I'm going to go with best worst.

That's what a script is for. This movie is so poorly scripted. It feels like at one point they were considering making it a psychological thriller and revealing things at the end. Characters will spend the entire movie behaving bizarrely only to have their behavior explained two pages before the end of the film. Stakes appear and disappear through Christmas magic alone. It's so bad. It makes you appreciate the competence and execution of the Expendables franchise.

Yeah. Oh no. Yeah. All right. Well, this movie will be a no hurry to get to the point. So I don't feel like we should be either. So we're going to take a quick break. When we come back, we'll dive into all the doldrums that are I Believe in Santa.

From the makers of I Believe in Santa and Miracle on 34th Street and well now that I think about it way too many Christmas movies. But dad what if gravity isn't real? You're just a kid you don't know what you're talking about. Comes a movie where a child who believes in something fake is actually right for some reason, because Christmas. Well, would you look at that! I told you, the Earth is flat! This Christmas, nothing is true.

So wait, the lizard juice? Oh, yeah. Big time. Got it. Got it. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up with a quick pan over the earth. Well, a shitty VO tells us about Santa. They bought their voiceover guy on Fiverr, right? They were like, I'm sorry, five dollars. He's like like he's the VO equivalent of like when a kid on the phone pretends to be an adult, right? It's like an adult doing that is the voiceover. Yeah

I feel like you know within the first second of this movie that they're going for elf. Mm-hmm. Yep But it's not elf. It's not elf. It is not. It is definitely the inspiration for Tom's character. Yeah. So we pan around Earth a little bit while this video tells us about Santa. And then we zoom back out to the full Earth again. And then we zoom in on South Dakota and a title comes up and says Denver, Colorado. And I backed up to make sure I was right on that. That was not fucking... I mean, you could be off by a little bit, but give me a fucking break.

You weren't even in the Rockies. Yeah. Map graphics by Eli Bosnick's knowledge of geography. So then the title card also comes up and tells us it's 176 days before Christmas. That's how you know how fucking long this movie is going to feel. Right? Because this movie was only 90 minutes with credits. It was only 90 minutes, but it felt just Interminable. Oh god, we watched Christmas with the cranks for the bonus episode this year and it was a delightful

jus de spree To this motherfucking movie man. Oh So yeah, so and we're going to meet our main character, Lisa. Lisa is a reporter at the most lax newspaper in the history of fucking time. Mm hmm. Right. Kara, I don't want to start us off on a bummer note, but as a woman who has absolutely fought and scraped to get the respect in her industry that you have and well deserved How does it feel that every woman's job in every movie ever is like?

professional cookie baker Winker Smiths Emoji kisser like this would be like if in every movie men ever watched they just like Made things by clapping their balls together on whatever. Like, it just occurred to me watching this opening, like how wildly insulting it must be to be a woman watching any film in the history of ever. Yeah.

I mean, it's wildly insulting just walking out your front door as a woman. But I will say I've had her job, right? Like I worked as a reporter at the Huffington Post early on when we launched the science page. So it's like this online newspaper. And I never once was allowed to work on a story for like three weeks. This is to write like what turns out to be like a 400 word article. Yeah, right.

That's a blog post. Right. The kind of thing that you're expected to churn out like 23 times a day. Yeah. The kind of article that makes us all agree. Okay. Chad GBT can take some of the 100%. 100%.

Yeah. But we meet her. She's working on her 4th of July article, which is so easy for her because she loves Fourth of July. I should put out the first spoken words that any character other than the VO says, there's her going, and then I say, God bless America. And she's like writing her article, she's like, God bless America. And then I say, God bless freedom. She's like doing that with it.

But those are the first words we hear. As her God blessing America-ing. Yeah, somehow going for a less interesting narration than Carrie from Sex and the City. That's what this movie was aiming for. And this is where we get to talk about the editor boss, right? Oh, yeah. So the editor boss is a newspaper through the lens of my mother, who just read an article about how ads are bad for newspapers. Right? Because all he will do, the entire film, is be like, we need people to click! Make sure you mention hot dogs, because we get six more clicks per hot dog than we do per click dog. It's fucking nuts. It feels like I'm being scammed from someone in the

Philippines to watch the TV. Hello friend, are you busy now? Oh, crazy, my assistant must have reached out to you. What a coincidence. Picture of famous Asian model. Why is your Filipino voice sound Chechen? Because, because, and hold me, hold, hold space for me, Kara Santa Maria. I don't think we want me to attempt an authentic Filipino accent.

I think we all agree. One, Chechens have it coming. Nothing but good things have happened to them in history. Two... Well, so, okay, I also think that if we asked Eli to find either of those locations on a map, we'd be equally likely to get South Dakota, right? South Dakota, yeah, 100%. So this is also the scene, because there's like five characters in this whole movie,

right? We just see them over and over and over. So this is also the scene where blonde lady, who is the main character, Lisa, we are introduced to her best friend, sassy black lady. Yeah. Sure did. You sure as fuck did. Her name is Sharon, but I only know that because I checked IMDB.

I don't believe they ever speak her name. No. She's sassy black friend. Yeah. They never, she doesn ever speak her name. She's Sassy Black Friend. Yeah, they never, she doesn't need a name. She's Sassy Black Lady sidekick. And this is the scene where we are basically, I can sum it up in this one sentence. Sassy Black Lady thinks blonde lady is her hero because she said weiner to generic white boss man. Yep.

That's the scene. Yeah. I do deeply appreciate Sassy black friend because it's so obvious She was written to do like a bit for a lot of these lines that she just hit straight down the middle instead And so every time you know, the director was like waving his head around trying to get her doing. Oh, no, you did It's just like I'm sorry say can you repeat it again? How you wanted me to do it? He's like never mind. Whatever that last take was fine. Oh, no. sorry, say, can you repeat it again? How you wanted me to do it? And he's like, never mind. Whatever that last take was fine. She's like, oh, no, oh, no, you did not.

I will not stand for these fucking microaggression. I corrected it. You misspelled it in the script. Thank you. Thank you. So then so we cut to like the Fourth of July fair and we've got Lisa's article being read to us in VO. And the article is it's kind of like a weird shot at all the other holidays. Yeah.

Right, so instead of talking about how July 4th is great, she's like, it doesn't suck like Christmas, right? That's the article. So we see that, and then we see this, our male lead, Tom, reading that article, and reading the part where she says it's way better than Christmas and going, nothing's better than Christmas.

How much do we get to talk about Tom now? So thank you, Kara. There's so much. Yeah. We'll sprinkle it throughout. I don't want to, you know, blow it all at the top. But like, this guy, okay, I hate being the person who introduces all of this. Please allow me, Kara, Please. This is my space.

If there were a dental emergency, I would let you speak. Okay. Go ahead. Go ahead. Here's the thing. John Doocy, the actor who plays Tom, is married to the lead actress of this movie, Christina Moore. He is 55. She is 51. The difference between them, however, is that he drinks from the Ark of the Covenant cup every morning when he's doing his morning workout. That is what happens.

He has a little sip from the Holy Grail. The wrong one. He takes a little peek in the Ark of the Covenant. Yeah, the wrong cup every single morning. This man, look, I promise you, the third thing John Doocy says to you is, guess how old I am? And you always give an answer That's older and more insulting than he wants you to tell him that he looks 25 He looks like he has a 25 year old granddaughter. Oh, absolutely

So much plastic surgery. He looks like he took the skin of another person and put it over his skin Yes If you told me that they like ADR'd his face with wax masks somehow, right? Like some kind of version of that or whatever. I would go, oh. Yeah. He's an uncanny valley made entirely out of catalog. And he's in this scene, he's sitting down drinking coffee out of a Santa mug in the

middle of July. Uh-huh. Foreshadowing. How much money do you want to bet that this man in real life, the character but also the man in real life, is a total Disney adult? Oh, yes, absolutely. Hey, Kara, join me over here in the corner. They pay for my child to live, so we do not come for Disney adults on this show. I was about to do the same. I was about to walk her back or comment back a little bit too. I was like I think those are great folks that Jeff.

There are two people that are patrons every single time Disney adults and furries and we don't fuck with either of them in this program, Karen Santa Maria. Do you understand me? You like those pairs? Those perverts pay for those pairs! They want a fucking Cinderella's Castle, I'll play the violin while they do it! Fucking sellouts. Sellouts, yeah. She was in the Masketeers, everybody. You can't be mad at her. She's a Disney property. You can't be mad at her.

Hating Carol would be hating Disney. Think about it. Disney property, she was in the Masketeers. Hey, I go to Disney. I'm not a Disney adult. There's a big difference. Mm-hmm. There's a casual partaker. Yeah, right. You're not a patron to our fucking show.

That's true. I'm the opposite. You don't make up 84% of our income. I'm the opposite of a patron. With sexy Fox perverts making up the other 13. So... Moving on. All right. All right.

So yeah. So we cut over to the this. We've got Lisa now. I love you sexy pox pervert. Never change. Oh, you almost said pox perverts there and you didn't. I did almost say I think I said pox. Yeah, I think you did say pox pervert.

Okay. All right. We've got one leper in our audience who's like, I love you too man! I fucking can't kiss! Lepers don't have pox. Nope, nope. I don't know what that means, Kara. I know you don't, Eli.

Alright, so you notice folks how I'm not moving us along or anything. It's that kind of movie. OK. So now we've got Lisa and her daughter, Ella, showing up with her friend Sharon Sassy Black Lady. They're showing up at the Fourth of July Fair. Ella is dressed as a bee because she's going to do a bumblebee dance with her dance class. And Tom, who we just met, who had the weird wax face, he has a booth at the fair where they're giving away free legal advice. He's a lawyer, apparently. Yeah. Now, I'm no legal expert, but are you supposed to give away free legal advice at a fair?

Yeah, I feel like that's not... I don't think I can set up a booth at a fair and say free psychology Well, you gotta charge a nickel I mean Lucy's already established the precedent yeah, obviously So yeah, so but he's they're lawyering at the fair and again Look, there's I have to emphasize right up front that there's never a reason for this character to be a lawyer Of course not so they could have him like do a job where it would make fucking sense for him to be at the fair. Right.

But they don't. No, but all this does is give real pedo vibes like this whole movie. Yeah. Deep. Oh, thank you. Okay. Thank you. Because they sexualize the fuck out of this daughter throughout the film.

Yeah. And I keep seeing it and I was like, no one's going to believe me. They're thinking I'm going to do a bit. No, no. Full pedo vibes. Dude with like, OK, his face is giving donkey from Pinocchio. I can't help it. He's got a mini curly mullet and he's wearing a vest like he's in a barbershop quartet.

Yep. Like, but like, yeah, unironically. This will not be his last vest. No. Or his worst. Really? Yeah. He's got a sweater vest later and a regular vest later. It's weird.

So he's with his buddy, Asan. Or I guess Asan is supposed to be like a co-worker. Yeah. Well, that's another weird thing in this movie. Nobody has friends outside of work. Right. No. Their best friends are the people whose desk is right next to them. You are assigned a best friend as you're assigned a locker at work. Yeah. Yeah.

And Asan is the token tokenizer of all tokens. He is a vegan gay Muslim. He is. But to be fair, he's also literally the only attractive person in this entire movie. And of course, he's gay. He's so hot. And it's, you have to know that there were several times where the actor who plays Tom was like, just a couple of good looking guys.

Am I right? And people were like, I would literally stab you to lick a son. I just want you to know. Somewhere major, like the throat or the, or the top of your tongue. So, oh, people sure do tell the joke a lot, don't they, Ahsan, oh, he's gone, he's gone. So, okay, so then we get Lisa dropping Ella off with the rest of her hive, right, for their bee dance troupe.

And then the script calls for Ella, the daughter, to get lost. So she notices that her shoe's untied and she sits there and ties it for like 11 minutes while all the rest of these bees can get out of the way. Right? Because they're like all dressed in yellow and black. It'd be really easy to see that group from even quite a distance. She's also like 11. She's way too old to be so scared after slightly separating from her mom for two seconds. Yeah. They really never get a firm grasp because sometimes she'll act like a normal 11 year old who wants an iPhone and likes her mom's new boyfriend and sometimes she'll be like

three and like fall asleep on mommy's yappy. Yeah. she'll be like three and like fall asleep on mommy's yappy. Yeah, it's really... And also, I mean, come on, she's old enough in this scene to make a joke about how Tom is a pedophile. Yes! Okay. Like... But not...

What can I say? It doesn't feel like a joke so much as it feels like a dark web Mr. Skin moment, right? It doesn't land. I'll give you that. Are you gonna offer me candy? Because I'd love some candy and someone somewhere typed a timestamp into the Telegram channel that we wish would get shut down. Yeah, I'm just saying.

Yeah, no, because yeah. So Tom sees this little girl who's obviously lost and he says, hey, little girl who's obviously lost, can I help you? And she's like, I can't take any candy from you. And he's like, Yeah, no, I wasn't going to give you any. She's like, Oh, I actually I would take candy. I'm just not supposed to take candy from you. And we're like, what are we being told in this moment?

What is this movie? What is the moral here? Who's typing a time stamp into Telegram right now? I don't like it. So, yeah. So but he offers to fix her antenna. And then meanwhile, we cut to Lisa and Sharon who are talking about Lisa's ex husband, Robert, who we will never meet, but is always like absent or whatever and not helping out. Now, I want to point out that I don't think because we get a lot of

conversations between Lisa and Sharon, right throughout this movie. I don't think they ever quite passed the Bechdel test, right? Because in the first conversation they were talking about Grant the boss this conversation they're talking about Robert the ex-husband. Also, they never talk about anything going on in Sharon's life. Never. Yes. Always 100% Lisa shit. Sassy black sidekick. Yeah.

Stay in your lane, Sharon. Has it been cool and chill to be you lately, Sharon? In this movie we may have probably made in the early 2020s. Oh, it has? Oh, yeah. Great. I'm glad to hear it. Wonderful.

Everything's been normal. Also, can I throw this out there? Let's talk about how amazing it is that the ubiquity of shitty, like absentee dad is so universal in our culture, you don't even have to hire the actor anymore, right? An actress can just be like, well, you know how my daughter's father is? And we, the TV viewing audience are like,

he probably abandoned you both and acts like a sack of shit. He's probably fucking his secretary. Yeah, exactly. We're just filling in the blanks. So yeah, so but then but then as they're having this conversation, Lisa looks up and she notices Ella, her daughter sitting in Tom's booth, and he's holding scissors. I don't know what the implication of the scissors is, like he's going to stab her with this. Yeah, it was very unclear.

But so she comes up to give him a time, a piece of her mind. But as she's walking up, he looks up and she does like the slow motion hot lady walk. Yeah. They go for a while while while while while. And up until now, I don't think Tom, I don't know if I thought he was gay or if he was just like asexual. Right.

Yeah. Like it's very hard to think that this guy is a... There's nothing sexual about this man. Yes. Right. It's like how we can't picture giraffes fucking. That's how I feel about Tom. Oh, giraffes are way fucking hotter than Tom. Oh, yeah, right.

Oh, interesting. So... Everybody, make your notes at home. The furries are like, Kara fucking gives us... Yeah, she made up for all the shit she was talking about Disney adults just now. Yeah, the people in the center of the Venn diagram are like you're forgiven I would fuck miss Mickey Mouse like ten times before I fucked Tom sure Morgan send me that audio Yeah, I Thought that even before he went into the public domain,

and it was expensive before he went into public domain. Let me tell you. I would let the empty suit full of ghosts, full on evil dead. The furries are like, I don't understand this part of the show. Supposed to be telling jokes. So all right. So so Lisa runs up and she starts accusing Tom of like, I don't, I don't know. Right. Because the movie isn't going to be like, Hey, are you, um, you grooming my daughter

over there? Yeah. But she like grabs Ella and Ella's like, this man was helping me fix my thing and was entirely decent and good in all ways. And she's like, Oh, now I feel like an asshole. Right. man was helping me fix my thing and was entirely decent and good in all ways. And she's like, Oh, now I feel like an asshole. Right. But because the script is so badly written, right.

She didn't go all the way in the first part. So there's nothing for her to regret, right? She just walks over and she's like, Hey man, what's going on here? A completely reasonable reaction to anyone touching your child. You believe to be in another location, right? She should side tackle him and stab him in the throat and then they can have the like, oh, we just had a mute meet cute moment. But because the person who wrote this movie is a coward who I am convinced actually believes

in Santa, she's just like, hey. And then in the second half of the scene, she's like, I'm sorry I said hey like that. Are you okay? Right, right. This movie has zero stakes ever. Exactly. Ever. So but then Ella's like, hey, do you want to come watch my bee dance? And he's like, yes, nine year old, I would love to watch you dance. Yeah. Ugh.

And as if he didn't already have the PETA vibes. And timestamp. Yeah, right. Well, no. Speaking of timestamp. Oh, my God. And time stamp. Yeah, right. Time stamp. Well, no. Speaking of time stamp. Oh my God. There's a lot of shaking of of asses in this little bee dance that they do. Well, and the sad thing is I think that that was probably pretty representative of what most dances would look like.

Yeah. With little nine year olds. Yeah. I mean, I get that it's a bee thing, but it's 2024. You know what's out there. Look at my little stinger. Yeah, right. Right. Don't don't do that.

They canceled toddlers and tiaras for a reason. My friends like we're all we're all living in the now times. Well, and then Sharon points out to Lisa, she's like, hey, look, that guy that you thought was a pedophile did come to watch your nine year old shake her ass. Maybe he's not so bad after all. Yeah, somehow this is comforting to her. Yeah, so what? Yeah. Oh, and Sharon does this great thing. I talked about it earlier, but like there are very

clear moments where she has been cued to do like sassy black best friend thing, right? Yeah. Where she's supposed to say, go hair flip at him, but she's like, go hair flip at him. Yeah. And she's like what? And she's like, flip your hair at him. Yeah. And she's like what? And she's like, flip your hair upon him. She's all Shakespearean about it. So yeah, so she goes over to flirt with Tom at Sharon's behest and she's like, Hey, I'm sorry I thought you were a creep.

And he's like, why didn't know that you thought that until just now when you apologize for it. So, so weird. Yeah. She goes, so you apologize for it. So that's so weird. Yeah. She goes, so you are a creep. Well, when he tells him, yeah, he's like, I'm a lawyer. She's like, oh, you are a creep. He's like, well, most people discern that from the waxiness of my face. Yeah. But yes, I think every scene in this movie,

I wrote at least one line that says this guy gives me a massive ick. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I was just uncomfortable. If a bar closes and the lights come on and he's there, I'm taking a fire escape. 100%. Yeah. I'm asking the bouncer to walk me to my car. Yeah, exactly.

100%. Right. So, but he's like, hey, do you want to watch the Fourth of July fireworks with me? And she's like, yes, creepy guy. I do. So, they all go to watch the fireworks together. Just the four of them and the child. It's a very strange double date.

Yeah. Isn't it though? There's another great moment where they forget how old they want the daughter to be. She's watching the fireworks and she goes, purple. I wrote in my notes at that point. Yeah, kid, you're seven. Are you okay? What the fuck?

But like as they're watching the fireworks, Tom is staring at Lisa and what they're going for is yes, the fireworks may have been stunning, but he was far more stunned by her beauty or whatever. But what they land on is creepy waxy guys staring at the colors of her face, you know? Yeah. Yes. Yes.

Her skin will do nicely is the eternal monologue we're receiving. I'm due for another layer soon. I am beginning to melt. Yeah, but he asks her out to eat and she says yes, and then we get a montage of their whirlwind romance, right? I wrote one line during the entire montage romance scene. Ew, gross. I hate this movie.

Yes. Okay. Because what's amazing is their montage is a montage of the worst people you know dating and falling in love, right? They stay on their date till the restaurant closes. We might as well zoom in and see him like writing tipping is up, you know, on the tipping line and then they fucking cut in front of everybody and then decide what they want at the coffee shop.

Like it's just... Oh yeah. Well, part of the montage is them going trick or treating together, right? So that we know that the year is moving on. He dresses as a referee for Halloween. What does that say about what a fucking shit person you are? You would have turned in Luigi. You'd have called in the tip line, you motherfucker.

Yeah, absolutely would have. You're the one who called that. Now, here's the other thing that I will say, right? We will later learn that this montage is five months. Yeah. And I will remind you that the denouement, the twist of this movie is that this guy believes in the literal Santa Claus. Yes. I don't know what kind of relationships people are having that they can spend five months around each other without learning core beliefs like I believe in Santa Claus but it shows you just how deep this relationship

didn't go. And they're already saying I love you to each other. Yes! And then I remember that the average courtship in the United States is six months and I was bummed out. My wife and I were engaged three weeks after. Sometimes it works out. So okay so now the title comes up and it tells us that it's 25 days before Christmas. And as we're going like, okay, so it's been five months. Sharon says to Lisa, so it's been five months since that last scene, huh? Yep. We're like, yeah, we have title cards, lady. And she's like, and also your boyfriend has a great relationship with the daughter. And we're like, yeah, we

just we did a whole montage about that. Why are you summarizing it now? The movie is called I Believe in Santa. Okay. That's filmmaking at its finest. Didn't you guys ever learn that in school? Say it, show it, say it. Yes, right, right. It's like that book, Explain the Cat. Yeah. And the joke.

So, but in a little bit of foreshadowing here, Lisa says, yeah, he seems perfect. What could I possibly be missing? The fact that he's a creepy pedophile with skin skin. Yes. Right. And also that he believes in Santa, which we all know is coming because the movie is called I Believe in Santa. But also, even if it wasn't, we could see it coming right a mile away.

Yeah. But just as she's saying, what could I I possibly be missing what could be wrong about this guy? She walks into a giant inflatable Santa that some guys putting up Santa crotch Yeah, I was like she's gonna get fucked in the face by Set the foreshadowing Yep, the foreshadowing scroll through this DVD menu. Also, I love, because this is like a 10-foot-tall inflatable Santa. So I want you to envision a situation where you accidentally walk into a 10-foot-tall inflatable red thing that's right in front. She's not backing up.

No. She's doing the thing little kids do where she walks forward, but her face is like going the opposite direction. Yeah, exactly. Looking other ways. Yeah. She's the worst the opposite direction. Yeah, exactly. Looking other ways. Yeah. Because she's the worst person you know. Yeah, right.

Exactly. Yeah. But she says, like, I hate Santa and Christmas. This is going to be very important later in the movie. And Sharon's like, wait, aren't you doing the Christmas article? And she's like, you mean the fucking 900 words that I get three and a half weeks to write? Yes, I am. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. And Sharon, for one, can't wait to hear her give Christmas what it has coming. And keep in mind that that is how the movie will inform us that she doesn't like Christmas, right? Is that two characters will be like, but I heard you don't like Christmas. That's true. I don't like Christmas. They could have shown us. They could have told us. They could have done literally anything except the characters just being like, here's a thing about me exposition.

Yeah. It's a whole movie. It really is. It really fucking is. So, okay. So Sharon and Lisa, they arrive at Tom's place. Apparently they're going to have dinner with Tom and a son at Tom's place. But a son. So have dinner with Tom and Asan at Tom's place. But Asan... So I didn't know this though. I didn't know. I thought that in this scene, they were like doing something special at her place. Oh, that changes everything.

Yeah. Extra hate this guy. Right. So Asan meets him before they even get there, which means that he has to have just been watching the window. He's in an apartment building, right? Like you don't see him coming up the walk. Yeah.

There's no window to the outside. Yeah. Yeah. He'd have to been like watching for them on the street to time this or something. Yeah. So, so he cuts, he meets him outside. It feels like the skin harvesting is happening tonight, right? Yes.

He says, Tom just wants you to be comfortable. Yeah. He takes their coats and everything and they're like, we're going to get these back. Right. And he's like, why would you not get them back? Go inside. Why would you not? Because you're now flayed body can't be touched by cloth because it would touch all the muscle that's now been exposed. That's so silly. So they go in and Tom has Christmas the shit out of his apartment. Now I love Kara's universe where he's done this to her place. That's what I thought. That's why she looks so mortified.

That rules and can I say I want to do that to someone. I want them to come to their home and see that I have installed several Christmas decorations there. That sounds great. Well, Sue, but I see why you went there, Kara, because like other ways. So this guy is to Christmas as Bob Novella is to Halloween, right? He's got Christmas shit everywhere. But like, for sure. But like her reaction, like, like doesn't make fucking sense.

She's heard of Christmas. Yeah. Yeah. And she's horrified. Yeah. It looks like he did this without her consent. That is her reaction. Yeah, and she's horrified. Yeah. It looks like he did this without her consent. That is her reaction. Yeah, absolutely.

That this was non-consensual, but it's his own house. Right. Yeah. Also, it's not that big. Right? Like, and look, I know this is because this is a low budget, like, hallmark ripoff of a movie, right? And so they were like, you get $500 to dress the set with Christmas shit. But like, if I walked into someone's house, I would be like, you like Christmas a lot.

That's it. That would be it. I wouldn't be like, you also believe in Santa Claus. Right. Well, so when he says, oh, come over here. I have a little selfie with Santa wall. I was like, that's the first thing in this room that my wife would find over the top. I was going to say, I was was gonna say we're trading lightly. Is she into Christmas? Oh yeah! Into everything.

Well yeah, every holiday my house is absolutely decked out for it. Lucinda is all things beautiful and joyful. She does to 100%. Absolutely. Right? Halloween, 100%. Fourth of July, 100%. Thanksgiving, 100%.

If it's a joyful thing, Lucinda has found a delightful way to celebrate it at Top Gear at all times. If I walked into no one Lucinda's house and she had done this, I'd be like, Lucinda kind of half-assed this year. I get it. Yeah, he didn't even put any Christmas shit in the aquarium for fuck's sake.

Yeah. So yeah, so, but she's like, she's like, are you just fucking with me with this $2,700 worth of Christmas shit? Or I love Eli has $500 on his like, I've got $2,700 because I've bought that shit before. It's probably $2,743. I mean, I don't know if he's clipping the same coupons. He probably caught that sale at Halloween Adventure and State Fair last fall. I love how we're all noticing different things when we watch movies like this. I made a note that says, can I just ask, how do people live without upper cabinets in their

kitchens? Oh my God, did he not have upper cabinets? None. No uppers. Oh, that's so fucking weird. He had like two open shelves and they were covered in Christmas shit. Like where does he put his glasses and his plates and his bowls and stuff? Doesn't need them.

It's got Christmas shit. I guess. Yeah. No, so but he's like, do you not like all my Christmas stuff? And she's like, well, I kind of famously don't like Christmas. And I'm like, you're not famous. Do you mean in the movie? Not even in the movie though. Well, I kind of famously don't like Christmas and I'm like, you're not famous Do you mean in the movie not even in the movie

When you told us this information, right? Do you not even know me we do say I love you all the time Yeah Can I say something else too if I was in love with someone and I've been dating them for five months The thing they would have to care a lot about would have to be such a direct harm to conscious living creatures for me to give a shit about it the way she cares about it. Right. It would have to be like fucking, it would be Joe Rogan. If you went in and their apartment was Joe Roganed out to this level or something like

that, then maybe that. Right. See, but this just shows the gender difference in this country. The bar is in hell for, like, we have to lower our standard. This is scary. Like, I wrote, run girl, run. Like just fully, as I was watching this, I was getting so eeked out. Like I was afraid for her.

So well, that's because you know, and also because you can see his fucking face. There's something going on. Also, you've had, you've had standards before, Kara. Don't be unrelatable to your two co-hosts, okay? So I will tell, I, and look, I cannot speak for my co-hosts, no illusions. If I had walked into my wife's apartment and it had looked like this the first time I went in there, change zero percent. I know, but that's because you landed your wife, Eli. That's what I'm saying.

If she walked into your apartment. Some of us punch up. No, not some of us. Men punch up. That's not clear. Some of us on this podcast are men. That's what I'm saying. If she walked into your apartment and it looked like this, she would be like, God damn it.

Another mark against him. I don't want to argue on the podcast, but I will say my wife walked into my apartment and it was full of magic tricks. Yeah, it's even worse. Perhaps worse. Mine was full of vintage video games, Gary. It can get worse. And this is why I'm single.

What we're saying is please rescue our wives. Get them better lives they deserve better. All right. So, but they sit down for their like, wait a minute, you actually don't like Christmas conversation, right? And he explains that his Christmas stuff, yes, if you add it all up together, it's very expensive, but you can make homemade stuff. So Christmas can be cheap too, right? Yeah. She asks him why he didn't tell her, but like, like he, like she walked in and

he was fucking the animatronic Santa in the ass. Right, right, because like, I like Christmas isn't the kind of thing that you would normally feel the need to flag. Well, but it would be if your character's entire personality is Christmas. No, that's fair, right? Like at this point, it's an obsession where you would think at some point she would have said, like, hey, what's with those 27 boxes you have in your spare room, right? Yeah.

At this point, I wrote if the genders were reversed, this would be the first act of a lifetime movie where a hunky handyman was about to steal her heart. Right. Yeah. But instead she's fearing for her skin. Right. Yeah. But he busts out.

And they keep... Can I just say, sorry, can I just say, they keep kissing in front of me. Yeah. Like I'm just trying to get through the movie and they keep putting their mouths together. And it made me eat like an entire bottle of Zofran. I could not get through this. This movie was reverse porn at a certain point. If I ever need to go to a baby's funeral I'm watching this movie so that I feel appropriately somber and unerring.

Jesus! No, because you know how sometimes you go to a baby mirror. No, no, just stop. And there's a recently grieving mother there and they're never more glowing. No, no. You guys are making me the weird one. Clean cut. I think we all know.

Clean cut. There's nothing hotter than a green. How is it that I have all of these weird websites about me? Right, yeah. I am so confused. All the websites that would have been made about me. So, okay, but so he busts out his little calendar where he's got all the city's Christmas events plotted and he's going to spend the next month showing her how much fun Christmas can be Christmas can be is the plot.

So they leave Lisa and Sharon take off, they get in their Uber, they do the name check thing wrong. Right. She says her name and the Uber driver says his name. And I'm like, no, that's not how that goes at all. You fucking idiots. And but as they drive away, Assan turns to Tom and he goes, Hey, I notice you didn't mention Santa. Yeah.

And yeah, that's where we all know he believes in Santa. Yeah. Yeah. So, okay. So, but then they're on there. We cut to Lisa and Sharon in the Uber and Lisa screams because her boyfriend likes Christmas so much. I get it girl. I'd be bummed too.

Yeah. No, I liked this scene because it was a nice clue into like, oh, those women who never called me back. How did they do on the way home? Like now I got a little secret. It was awesome. They were cool. They were screaming. And they're best friends. Guess they weren't interested in the mystery arts. So yeah, but but Sharon's like, no, he's a great guy. You should let him fill you with Christmas spirit or whatever.

I made it worse. And I somehow made it worse. You made it worse. So but Sharon gets her phone and texts him and says, hey, show me the Christmas way or whatever. Right. Yeah. So he gets the text and he's like, oh, wow, I'll get to help her spread Christmas cheer and I could decorate her place and I'll call in sick for work on Monday.

I guess the assumption is that she too will take Monday off for him. Yeah. Yeah. Well, all she's got to do is write a 900 word blog post in the next all the time. Yeah, I guess I guess you could afford to take off And also I hope he doesn't have like Court or briefs do it seemed like you might choose a less time reflective job for this Time off yes, because actually says it never fucking matters might as well be a pediatric oncologist like you know What this month I don't work. That's not a good thing man You have one of the like four important jobs All right. Well, we need you to do that every day until you die All right, well this movie is too chicken shit to admit how stupid its plot is yet But we're taking a break anyway, but we'll back in a minute with even more of I

believe in Santa. And do you think Santa could bring me an iPhone? Oh, I don't know about an iPhone, sweetie. I don't think Santa can make those. Of course he can. I don't think he can, Brad. Well, no, he uses Christmas magic. He can very clearly make an iPhone. Well, no, he uses Christmas magic. He can very clearly make an iPhone. Well, wait, now I'm confused.

Are there just millions of unlicensed iPhones floating around the market? No, they're official. They're licensed. So Santa has a deal with Apple to give away free product. Well, no, he doesn't. Well, so, okay. So what he does- how does he handle billing? Like does Santa pay the bill?

No, if he gets you the phone? How does he know which phone plan to enroll you in? Christmas magic. Oh, and if I asked Santa for jewels in an iPhone game, does he just reimburse my parents cash because you know what you guys are you guys are just asking to go to Christmas hell right now with all these questions. Do you want to go to Christmas hell? I don't think there's a Christmas hell. Well, not for me. There isn't. Santa's mad.

And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action zooming into Tom's Christmas calendar like it was Indiana Jones's map or whatever. They were so excited when they found this transition in iMovie. They were like, oh, my God, it's perfect for our film. Well, yeah. So let's use it. Twenty three more fucking transition will need. Yeah. Yes. This entire film is like an advent calendar of torture. Oh, suck.

So yeah, so okay, so it's the first day he's going to show up and help decorate her house. He's going to do it dressed like goddamn Waldo for some reason. That shirt. But this is where we see her home for the first time. She has that and you it's really rare. She has that ugly mixed wood walling. Yeah, it's supposed to be like reclaimed wood, but it's clearly manufactured. But it's like manufactured to be exactly the thing. So it looks like she lives in a chess

board. Yeah. Yeah. I wrote my notes. Okay. So she has the only house that would be improved by Christmas year round. Okay. Perfect couple. There you go. But she's like, Yeah, I have my well, she's heading out to work, right? He's like, oh, wait, you didn't take the entire day off for this? And she's like, no, I have to go to work and not write anything. I don't know what the fuck she's doing. But she's like, but you feel free to get everything ready. My Christmas decorations are right over in this very small box.

Right. Mm hmm. And hey, future like police officers or like fascist leaders. Christmas decorations are right over in this very small box. Right. Mm-hmm. And hey, future like police officers or like fascist leaders, if you ever need to torture information out of our friend, Kara Santa Maria, I'm pretty sure you could just have this actor ask her for cocoa 700 times in a row. And she's going to flip right open for you. I'm pretty sure. Yeah. That was so fucking weak. And she's gonna flip right open for you. I'm pretty sure you're getting those nuclear coats.

That was so... For a fucking weakness. He's like, I would like some cocoa. And she's like, you mean hot chocolate? No. Cocoa? Cocoa. I love cocoa.

What the fuck are you talking about, man? I think they think that's an authentic pronunciation and there's like an Americanized version. Cocoa? Can I have some cocoa? They think they're doing a mozzarella, mozzarella thing. authentic pronunciation and there's an there's like an Americanized version. Cocoa can they think they're doing a mozzarella mozzarella thing? Right, right. So yeah, so he goes to Christmas upper place. He opens her box. Her Christmas lights are improperly stored. Dang.

He opens her box. Christmas lights. Noah. All right. Yeah. It gets a nod out of there. It's really weird. No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. So then we cut to her job where I guess they've got a meeting and the boss is demanding more clicks damn it. I need fresh new ideas. Somebody needs to bring me a picture of Spider-Man. I literally was going to say J. Jonah Jameson, but it's clicks with a mouse. Yeah. I don't understand any of the reference you guys just made.

Spider-Man? Does whatever a spider can. Ah, all right. So but yeah. Wow. of the reference you guys just made. Spider-Man? Spider-Man? Does whatever a spider can? Ah. Alright, so, but yeah. Wow. First you come for the Disney adults, then you come for the comic nerds. Oh, fat guys don't look bald when they have goatees, Kara. Why don't you just destroy my audience before the end of the year?

I think poly couples just don't like each other anymore. I think I'm gonna take down... No! No! I think poly couples just don't like each other anymore. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Painful. All right. So yeah, don't worry. The plot's in here somewhere, guys.

It's in there somewhere. In this moment, I am asking myself and the document where we write our notes, why doesn't she just make him write the article? Seems like a great idea. Yeah. He loves Christmas so much. He's just Christmasing all day, all over everything. He could Christmas all over her computer too.

As useless as his Christmas obsession is the one time it could ever come in handy as if somebody had to write a Christmas article. Yeah. Right. Like, you know, like, does this man have the most Christmas spirit in the world or, you know, whatever? So something like that. It would be super fucking easy in these circumstances. But no, she can't.

She just can't do it. She can't think of anything. Nothing. No. So she gets back home and he has made her a serial killer level of hot cocoa. Okay, no illusions. I see you had to join in the fun of taking me down as well. This happens to be every beverage I ever order and it looks yummers. So it's like it does look yummers. It does. Yeah.

I know you have stood next to me while I loudly order this in a Starbucks whistling and looking in any direction, but my eyes, no illusions. It's got sprinkles in it and a fucking candy cane sticking out of it and shit and the marshmallows have been lightly torched or some shit. It's yeah, this is where I wrote, is this going to be like an arrested development where it turns out she doesn't realize that he has special needs. He's just taken to an adult day home after their second day. Oh, okay.

All right. All right. Charlize Theron. Oh my God. It all makes sense now. But so but he gives her the hot cocoa. She tries to drink it and it's one of those fucking it's got too much shit on the top. So I can't drink this without also shoving it into my nose kind of a moments.

I could have eaten that fine. So that then you can like lick it off my nose. Oh, yeah. Right. Right. Yeah. You just put that thought into our minds. Yeah. You think about how careful you need to be for Tom not to gently run his tongue along your nostril edges. He does that. We watch him do that.

He does. He does do that. He sure does. Yeah. So he's arranged all her ornaments with the kind of precision of like Pink Floyd at the end of the wall after he has his breakdown, you know? Okay. But like, here's the thing.

Once again, them half-assing this movie, right? It's supposed to be like, whoa, this huge amazing thing he did to like perfect thing, but there's like It's like 84 ornaments there, right? Right, so it's nothing. Yeah, like not even it's like two three dozen I've gotten the illusions is high enough to do something like this in my living room before right? Right? Oh that would take like nine minutes to do. Yes, exactly. And also, like, it's not it's not useful, right? Like I don't like color.

Yeah, right. He's got them all lined up by color. Do we go like, OK, somebody give me a green ornament. And that's that, you know, that's not part of decorating a fucking tree. Yeah. So he's like, yeah, so I did that. I set up all your ornaments by color for some fucking reason. I set up a crafting station where we can make ornaments together over here. And she's like, he's like, I spent all morning doing this. And she's like, great.

You want to leave and go get lunch? And he's like, well, no. And they leave and go get lunch. We. So, Kara, on a scale from one to the Mandalorian, how hot would a man have to be for you to make decorations by hand? No man is that hot. No man is that hot. OK, that's what I thought.

No man. Because here's the thing about hotness. You're not five. Here's the thing about hotness. OK. This behavior uglifies a person. Yes, absolutely. Right. You can't be hot and be like, and now we'll take, we'll fold the construction paper and put the brass fasteners

into here. From Kara's perspective, I want everyone, I want our female listeners out there to know in comfort that many of you could do literally whatever you want. Again, I'm talking about women and men, not men and women. I love folding construction paper with you, baby. So if you're listening to this... You can put a cigarette out on my eye if you want. Yeah, because you guys are fucking lucky to have us. This is the difference. Exactly.

That's what I'm saying. We're teaching. We're learning today. Yes. Yes. But this man starts off as the donkey from Pinocchio. Yeah, right. And somehow goes worse. Yeah. So we get them. We have a weird opportunity at this point for the writer to actually explain

why she doesn't like Christmas. And it's so dumb. Like there's nothing here, right? Like they're out shopping and he's like, why don't you like Christmas? And she's like dumb. Like, there's nothing here. Right. Like they're out shopping. And he's like, why don't you like Christmas? And she's like, well, my parents weren't very fun. And he's like, is that it? She's like, that's pretty much it. Yeah. It's not it. But I will not reveal

the it until four hours later in this film. Right. That it also has no stakes. Will be nothing. Yeah. It will also be as uninteresting as my parents just weren't fun. Yeah. So, OK. So then we they're walking home when suddenly they're ambushed by kids

throwing snowballs. Yeah, this this is like what happens when you try to make a wholesome 90s style Christmas movie because clearly that's what they're trying to make here. Yeah, they're doing it during the dystopian nightmare that is 2020. Right? Right. Like, and it just doesn't land. No.

Like, it's so uncomfortable. I will say though, moments like this are why I'm glad I married someone whimsical. Because like, if I were in this situation, I'm absolutely telling children to fuck themselves. It's really good to be balanced by a person who's like, this is a nice thing that we should participate in. So I'm not like, I'll shoot you. I have a gun. So you're the you're the main character of this movie. I'm the main character of this movie.

Yes. Yeah. But with Tom's good look. So they sneak past the kids, they dodge the snowballs like Neo and they run off and as they run away, the grown man, Tom taunts the kid uses his physical appearance as as as the crux of his insult and then runs away. Right. He's like, fuck you, Freckles. You didn't get us. And he runs off.

I really wish he actually said fuck. He didn't say fuck. He's off. I really wish he actually said fuck He's like, ah, we got you didn't get us freckles and then unbeknownst to us, I guess this movie was like there we go Antagonist check there. We found it. It's a child. It's a kid with freckles. Yeah, it's okay So now they've got Ella it's after school They picked her up and they're walking with her, asking her what she wants for Christmas. And she wants an iPhone. Mm hmm. And we have this great moment where, like, mom is trying to kind of explain to her, like, I don't think Santa's getting you an iPhone this year, honey.

But this jackass Tom is like, no, no, Santa's totally probably gonna get her an iPhone, I would imagine, right? Isn't Santa like, magical? He's too deep in the Santa lore for to understand the hints she's laying down. He's like, well, it depends on the second Sumerillian, that's when Santa first kills Glathnar. Glathnar, of course, is the gift giver. That's where he absorbs his powers from the first epoch. But after the reign of chains and it's like me talking about Mormonism, right? Like

an ex-Mormon will often be like, ah, I was into Mormonism. And I'll be like, you ever see the painting on the second floor? And they're like, relax. I don't like the way your eyes got all watery. Yeah, because Lisa's going like, well, I don't think Santa has iPhone technology at North Poland. And Tom is like, no, he does. He does, though. And she's like, I don't think that he's going to be bringing her an iPhone.

He's like, well, you don't know because you don't know what's in Santa's head, do you? Yep. So that's that's the conversation they're having. Yeah. So but I guess they're now going out to pick up a tree. Yep. And they're going to get their tree flocked. It's so sexual.

It could not be because it's spraying a white gooey substance. They're bukkake-ing their tree. All over the child? All over the child? No, it's not. And they're all moaning. Yes, right! Didn't like it. There were a lot of time stamps.

And he's like, have you ever... Have you ever been flocked? That's how he introduces it. He says to the nine-year-old and her mother, have the two of you ever been flocked? What? Yeah, Buffalo Bill is picking at his tree, two stags over, and he's like, that guy's a fucking

weirdo. Yucky. Now, if you excuse me, the girl in my basement's starving. So yeah, but they, but they, I guess that's getting your tree painted with like fake snow or something. Yeah. So then we cut them to them making decorations at his decorations counter or whatever. Ella, the daughter is having a lot of fun, but Lisa is entirely joyless.

Lisa is a total wino too. Yeah. She has a glass of wine in her hand in every scene of this movie. Yep. Okay. This actor was preparing to kiss Tom again. She needed to do... Yeah.

Yeah. It's like how John F. Travolta pretends he didn't do heroin for Pulp Fiction. You know, she had to do what she had to do. Yeah, because remember too, this is her actual husband she has to kiss. Yeah, she has to go home with this guy. Yeah. Yeah, this movie at this point, I feel like, is really toeing the line between like, Lifetime movie around Christmastime and Lifetime true crime series. Yeah, no, for sure.

Like, it's really right in between the two. It certainly could have gone either way from this point, right? This could have been the setup for a horror movie up to this point. Yeah. So, okay. So that night they're reading the Grinch to Ella and she falls asleep and they drink wine. This is where they do the like mistletoe,

you have to kiss me thing now. Ooh, kisses on the lips. Let's keep it G people. I lived in terror for the rest of this movie. They were going to make like a I'm putting mistletoe over my crotch joke and we would lose Kara Santa Maria forever. So I think if this movie had inferred someone was going to swallow Tom's come, we'd lose her. She just drive out into the Arizona wilderness and never come back.

I mean, you just did. So like we might still. That's why she's so quiet. Yeah. Remember, say it, see it, say it. Eli's got that down. That's right. So, so, but then we've got so like I wrote my notes at this point. It's like, it's crazy how little chemistry this actually married couple has. And then I remembered

most of the married couples that I know. and I'm like, it's not. Yeah. No, I guess. Completely believable. So, okay. So then the calendar transition takes us to Tuesday, which is Decorate the Tree Day. He shows up with the tree all like, whited up

and he goes, flock, yeah. Yeah, and may I remind you that a while ago at this point in God Awful Movies, the calendar was on Monday. Yes. And now on Tuesday, we are going to have to watch every day. We are being groundhog date in this film. Yeah.

I wrote Eli, Eli are you actually enjoying this? You're a fucking saintess. Love this movie. Love it so much. So they decorate the tree. Well, Lisa sure remembers this ornament for her childhood. And then, but this is where Ella has her, like, is Santa Claus real moment? And Tom is like immediately and emphatically, yes, all the way.

Very real. I can prove it. And she's like, OK, but what about the kids who say Santa's not real and he's like if children don't believe in Santa He doesn't bring them presents and I wrote in my notes. Hey, that's not part of the mythology man. That's fucking weird Why did you create a punishment? Right well also like she's like, you know a boy says at school Santa's fake The first thing he says is, give me his name. What? What are you going to kick this? He's like he because then he uses it in an example.

Well, what if Connor thinks this or I don't think you should give him his name. Little girl. Also, like, again, this girl's like 11. Only one boy at school is saying Santa's not real. Yeah. How are you like six when you figure this out? That's about where I was, yeah. My grandma ruined it for me when I was three. Yeah, exactly.

And now I'm this. Like by the time you have theory of mind, like by the time that you understand that other people have their own thoughts and feelings. Right, that's pretty much where you get it. You're starting to realize that this is it. still waiting on it, but I get it. So, but also like really fucking weird to go this hard in the paint on Santa without clearing it with mom first. Yeah. He does that a lot, though.

He mansplains raising a child to her all the time. He really gets in there with both fists. Yeah. Not great. And then we get the saddest moment in this movie, which is where Ella, she looks up at the tree when they're done and she goes, that's the prettiest tree we've ever had. And I'm like, oh, Charlie Brown, that's a shit tree. Oh, it's so fucking ugly.

It's a really ugly tree. Busy. There's no theme to the colors. It's just it's a fucking mess. The flock is making all the branches really heavy, so it's like weeping. It's like a weeping, sad, cummy tree. Yeah. Weeping, sad, cummy tree. Weeping, sad, cummy tree is the name of my Jesus Christ superstar. Weeping, sad, cummy tree. If you'd like to buy your weeping said, Cummy Tree, phone ring. So we get Lisa and Sharon, they're having a conversation after work where she talks

about how she's still trying to figure out her Christmas article. Now we're all writing in our notes, are you serious? It's been three days. Oh, you're just, we're just getting warmed up here, right? Yeah So the boss comes by and he's like, hey, do you not have that that test or that Christmas article done yet? And she's like No, I'm not even fucking close didn't write a word. He's like, it's so weird that we can pay you though, right? He's like, ah, all right. Well get it to me by next Christmas. I don't fire you click click add something. Yeah, he's like, all right, well, get it to me by next Christmas. I don't know if I'll click, click, add something.

Yeah, right. Yeah. There's always a point like about halfway to two thirds of the way through a God awful movie where I just can't. Yep. And you can see it in my notes. I was about to bring up, Kara, would you like to read the entirety of your notes for this scene?

Well, the last scene is, this is so unnecessary. And this scene is just don't care. You guys wrote paragraphs. And doing dishes. So, okay. So, but now it's time to finally introduce the plot. We're going to do that at a dinner party. Right?

With a side. Yeah, right. It's four, we're 45 minutes into an hour and 27 minute movie at this fucking point and I wrote and the first thing I wrote in this scene is literally nothing is happening how do you guys have so much to write yeah and then oh god this is where we find out he believes in Santa yeah right right so they're having a meal together it's it's it's Sharon and Lisa and a son and Tom, right? Because he's the only characters in the movie.

Right. Exactly. We've got Grant and Ella. That's that that would round it all the way out. So they're all having dinner together. And Sharon is remembering the time when she was a little girl. She was eight years old. And she was the last kid in her class that still believed in Santa and sure was embarrassing, right. And then Tom says, right, but what if he's real? Yeah. And can I say this is an incredibly accurate portrayal of how Christians look when they're about to reveal that they're fucking that. Yeah. Right. Because we have all, we have all been

part of this conversation where someone's like, yeah, but like Biden lied about what Hunter had done to the economy. It hasn't been about Santa, but we've had this god damn conversation. I wrote that. I put, oh, is this why this is a god awful movie? He's like that one Christian friend at poker night. And you keep forgetting he's Christian, then he says some dumb shit and you're like, god damn it. Ah, fuck, I hate you.

Yeah. I say. But he goes, but he goes, what if the believers are right and the doubters are wrong? And I'm like, what if I... The believers! And the, but that's not a thing! Right! Right! That's the fucked up thing is that you mean you? What if you're right and everyone else in the entire world that's over the age of seven is wrong

Yes, and again you can tell that this was movie was written by someone who has never had their beliefs challenged Because the way the other characters challenge this belief is like now wait a second Tell me more about your ideas without me asking any follow-up questions, right? Yes, say whatever you want out loud. I won't interrupt or press you on any of the points you make. Oh, and this is the weird part where he tries to argue that Christmas is a secular holiday. Yes. He's like, no, it's totally secular. And he turns and he goes, Asan, you're a Muslim.

And why does it feel so much more racist when you add the A before Muslim? Oh, good point. Does everybody else feel that way? You're a Muslim. Tell us what the Muslims. Yes. Speak on behalf of Muslims. But that's so fucked up too because up until this point, the movie, we haven't mentioned

this, but the movie talks about how before Lisa came along, Assan was his Christmas buddy, right? Was Tom's Christmas buddy and had to do all this Christmas stuff with him. And now that Lisa's here, he doesn't have to do that anymore. And he's really is relieved by it. That becomes so much more sinister when we established that a son is a fucking Muslim and it's not even his goddamn holiday. Sure is.

But he really loves Tom. He must. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's that's the dynamic I got. If I may alienate the other portion of our audience that I love. I think this is the classic gay boy who's in love with the ugliest straight man you've ever seen dynamic that all of us have with our gay best friends. Right. Just some absolute Joe Rogan listening bridge troll being like, this is chat.

He thinks Ivermectin cures toenail fungus. I've been hoping he kisses me since high school. So here he is at your birthday. Yeah. So, yeah. But then they start to press him a little bit on the explanation of like, how could you be a grown ass man and believe in Santa? They never do it enough, but they do it a little bit here. And they're like, well, you realize how time works.

And he's like, right. Santa is outside of time. And they're like, well, you realize how time works and he's like, right, Santa is outside of time. And they're like, yeah, William Lane Craig just leans his head in from the kitchen. Holy fuck, what a great argument. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, the main character, I got you guys. The main character doesn't press him too much because she's slowly backing out of the apartment at this point. Yeah, well, she should.

She should. Well well she should. As well she should. Yup. Yup. Just get something sharp between you and him and back the fuck away. Yeah. Mm-hmm. But they're like, but think about it logically.

He couldn't get to everybody's house at the same time. He's like, it's not about logic. It's about magic. At which point I wrote in my notes, this is indistinguishable from talking to religious people. Look, look, I'm not saying it's the best thing about being friends with no illusions, but one of the best things about being friends with no illusions is I never have to worry about someone saying a sentence that stupid in front of me. Unchallenged.

I just get to sit back and be like, all right, well, this is my night. You're going to be crying in a little while. You want to get a box of tissue now? This is actually it was worth putting up the display with him. Now that you think about it. So, OK, so but but he but he explains that Santa's real because Santa because Christmas is the one holiday that brings everyone together. Except all the people that don't celebrate Christmas.

Right, exactly. And conveniently forgets about. And you think about it, and not just that, but you think about the Christians that try to actively exclude everybody who's not Christian, right? All this Jesus is the reason for the season of shit. What is that? But you're not welcome at our holiday Muslims. Yeah.

And his Christmas, right? And it's apologetic for you because they bring that up and he's like, right, and it's apologetic for you, because they bring that up. And he's like, no, no, no, because Christmas is also seeing family on your only nationally recognized holiday. And I was like, oh, okay. So I guess if we're including in the Venn diagram of Christmas all fucking things, then yeah. Yeah, right, right.

Christmas is when you sing along with a song that you like. I'm like, is it though? Yeah. All right, man. Go to Mecca. Tell me if Christmas is alive and well there. Right, right. So, okay.

So now we're back in the Uber. She's leaving and this time she has way better reason to be screaming, right? Yeah. So she's talking to Sharon. She's like, oh my God, my boyfriend believes in Santa, to which the Uber driver says, My wife believes in astrology. And I'm like, nailed it. You are getting such a good tip from me, dude.

Yeah, exactly. He gets it. But that's the funny thing. Does that mean that the writer knows that he nailed it? I don't know. Does the writer not know? No, he clearly doesn't because that like the the joke here is supposed to be when they're like, hey, you know, but out, he goes, Gemini, I push the no talking

button. Right. But like the joke is supposed to be that he believes it. Like that's supposed to be the punch line is when he calls her a Gemini or whatever. So no, they don't get it. Right. They don't get it. Yeah. Oh, my God.

There's always one in every episode I do with you guys. There's always one in every episode I do with you guys. There's one line at least in each movie where it's like they know. Right. One moment of clarity. Yeah. It's like follow the fucking thread. Right. Yeah. It's like when grandma, you're like leading grandma through the home and she's yammering on about her girlhood and then she's like,

where's your father? And you're just like, anyways, escalators. Am I right? Yeah. That's what this movie has. Yeah. So, yeah. So she's having this conversation with Sharon and Sharon is way less freaked out about this than she should be, right? Because she's like, yeah, you know, he believes in Santa and Sharon's like, well, yeah, but, you know, he's really good with your kid. And we're like, yeah, it doesn't fucking matter, though. Right.

Just because he's in psychosis. Right. Like we need to treat this first, then we'll we'll circle back. Him being around the children is definitely a bad idea at this point, I think. Yeah. Yeah. And Sharon says here, we don't know Santa isn't real. But we do. Yes, we do. We buy the presents, Sharon. In this universe, in the universe of this movie, do people sometimes spontaneously find presents they didn't buy? Right. Well, and then the other thing too, is that like if Santa exists, he is a moral

fucking monster, right? The way he always buys poor kids, poor kid presents and rich kid rich kids presents. What a shitty guy Yeah You bought Heath prank presents every year throughout his entire childhood That explains a lot yeah, right, yeah Yeah, so okay, but but Lisa gets home and and she gets a text from Tom that says hey Are we still on for Monday or did you come to your senses about my obvious untreated psychological problems?

And she's like, No, I haven't come to my senses. The movie's still on. I will go to the tree lighting with you tomorrow. Yeah. Which is lucky for her because he doesn't mention it, but Santa actually said that if she said no, he needed to saw her head off and put it in the fireplace for Krampus. So... Whoo!

Make cookies and milk. Command hallucinations. So, okay. So we cut to the city's tree lighting ceremony. I'm not mad at this acapella group. Don't you dare. Interesting. Eli, they're talented.

Oh, this was the best moment of the entire fucking movie, right, the beatboxing. Okay. They're really talented. Okay. Even if they weren't really talented though. Correct. Right, so.

But yeah, I love it, cause like this beatboxing acapella group starts, and then like the dialogue starts to cut them off, and I'm like, hey, fuck you guys. Shut up. I was listening to the same. Same. I don't want to hear these people talk. Well, and then the movies like actually it's way better if we just listen to the a cappella

group. Yeah, they got it. They got this this a cappella group and they do a full ass performance. And can I say I am big enough to admit that I'm glad my two co-hosts on this episode had such a lovely time listening to this acapella group. Are you the Lisa to our Tom in this one? I am definitely the Hitler to your Jews. Oh my God. Well, you know why you didn't enjoy it, Eli. It's because you are smart.

Have no talent. Wow. I was about to compliment you. You are intelligent and figured out somehow. I guess you didn't watch this on your... Like I watched it on my TV while I was typing on my laptop. So I did not have a 1.5 speed button. Oh, you did. So I watched this in real time.

We should be giving you hazard pay. I know. I know. But I can imagine that acapella group was less good at 1.5 speed. Okay, yeah. Yeah. No, that's probably true. I honestly, I like them enough that I can tell you that the lead woman in this group, she goes by the name of Missy Toe. Huh? Ew. That's fucking fantastic. OK, kind of. I don't I don't understand anything anymore. So but they turned on three lights on, right?

They get done with their song and Missy toe is just like, let's turn on some motherfucking lights, motherfuckers. And we're like, she goes way too hard. It's great for this fucking milk toast bread and cheese movie. She's like, who's ready to bread and cheese movie. She's like This tree like a cunt on fire am I right? But then everybody's like I fucking am like Little girl is way too impressed with the lights were off, but now they're on She's like a three-year-old all of a sudden. Yeah. My notes are just he is in psychosis.

Oh yeah. So speaking of which, then we get the scene where he's walking past Freckle Kid, the snowball ambush again, but he's faking it, right? He's just drawing their attention away so that Ella and Lisa can flank them and attack them from the side. Yeah. And I wrote in all caps, this movie is not Elf. It is not Elf. No, again. We don't need the scene from Elf done poorly. This scene is scary because we

know he doesn't have a touchstone with reality. At any moment, he could pull out a machete and be like, I'm sorry. I forgot. And also like, like if the kids had gotten him the first time, this would make sense. But now he's just coming back for revenge of something that we're like, he won anyway. He's just rubbing it in. So the kids run off. Now we're going to the mall to see Santa.

We see an establishing shot for far too long of a strip mall. Yep, sure do. Like they paid somebody to do a drone shot of like a really ugly strip mall. Yep. And also like this mall Santa. I mean, I've seen worse small Santas, but not much worse. He's a six. His ho ho ho is awful. First of all, it's a laugh, not a verbal tick people. Get it correct.

Right. Thank you. Thank you. Wow. Just wow you guys. So well, I have to feel like Eli and I have both been more mall Santa adjacent in terms of employment than you have been in the past. Absolutely. I'm Eskimo Brothers with a very, very, very famous Santa. I know both the Santa and the connection. Yeah. All right. But so then Lisa explains to Tom a little bit here while they're waiting in line,

while Ella is going to see Santa that, you know, like she's like, see, you can see why Santa is just a, he's kind of a symbol of commercialism and everything and not a real guy. And he's like, no, I cannot see that. Taking the anti-capitalist angle at his psychosis, I see clearly. I get it. I'm with her. But then there's this moment where Ella, like she leans in and she whispers what she really, really wants to Santa. And we all wrote in our notes, I wonder if it's her mom marrying Tom.

Yeah. Yep. Right. I don't like how much they sexualize this child character. Can I say while she whispers into Santa's ear, she gently rubs his buttons between her forefinger and thumb. I was wildly uncomfortable. I was like,

Santa, do the whatever gesture you do, spin your ring so that the elves will take her away. Yeah. Just, just stand up. Stand up, kick her off. Yeah. And then they're like, what, what did you tell that stranger when you were whispering into his ear? And she's like, not going to tell you that is my secret. And we're like, I don't like that at all. So then we, we cut to Lisa and Tom at fucking Santa bar trivia together. Oh God, I hated this scene.

That trivia lady was so annoying. Yeah, she was gone. Yeah, she was unbearable. But this is where he explains fucking Pascal Santa wager, right? Where he talks about how he'd rather be wrong and have faith than be right and have whatever the fuck it is that they think we have. No Christmas presents? Wait till he hears about this teapot I have circling the planet.

Yeah, right. So then we calendar our way over to cookie baking day, right? I don't care. This is where I wrote- You wrote, oh my fuck, are we going to do every fucking day of December in the stupid ass movie? And I was like, you're just now asking this. We're like a weekend already. We are. This is like the ninth day that we've done in a fucking row. And we're seeing like another manifestation of why, like Tom's obsession isn't funny anymore.

Right. Because like they make cookies and the little girl wants to stay up late. So they let her stay up late, but then he's still making cookies and she has to go to bed. And then he's still making cookies and Lisa wants him to stop so they can have sex, but he's still making cookies and she falls asleep. And he makes cookies till the fucking dawn and then goes to work. Yeah, that's the whole scene. Yeah. Everyone hates him. Right. And rightly so. Except for,

I mean, I wouldn't mind getting some candy, some cookies. So I guess the guys getting the cookies are okay. But yeah, so during this scene after she puts Ella to bed, she's like, Hey, can you stop telling my kids Santa is real? It's creepy the way you do it. And he's like, Oh, so it was okay when I was a fellow parent who knew a thing that was true and was gently helping your child live a fun fantasy that we allow children to let go of in their own time. But now it's not okay. Just because at any moment, whatever my deformed brain constructs could lash out at your child and scar her forever.

Hippocrate much? Yeah, right. No, look, I so okay. So my wife delights kids to no end with the tickle monster that she keeps in her pocket, right? Every two year old or three year old that she knows knows that if they like that if she reaches her hand into that pocket, she's getting the tickle monster that stops being cute. The moment she thinks that there is a tickle monster living in her fucking pocket. At that point, you rightly tell people, hey, stop doing that to my kid, right?

Yes. If next time she comes to visit she's like, hey, I don't want, the tickle monster's been saying some really violent and sexual stuff about your kid. Let's keep him in my pocket this time. I'd be like, let's keep him in my pocket and let's go for a ride in the car. Let's go for a ride in the car. Yeah. Let's go for a ride in the car. And also, to be fair, it stops when she tries to do it to an 11-year-old.

Yeah, right, right. Well, I guess we can see where this movie is going, and it's not a padded room. So I need a minute to deal with that. But first, let me give Act 3 the hard sell. Does Tom also believe in the tooth fairy? Could you convince Tom to do a murder with a properly manipulated elf on the shelf? Why is it he more concerned that the elves are being held in bondage?

Find out the answers to literally none of these questions or any of the questions that matter in this movie when we return for the blissfully psychotic conclusion of I believe in Santa Hey, I'm so sorry I'm late. Are you Frank? Yeah, yeah. You my lawyer? Yeah, I am.

Sorry. Don't worry, man. We're going to make this work out for you. Yeah, yeah. The landlord, he won't turn on the heat. My kids are wearing coats around the house. I'm really kind of hoping that, you know, Santa pulls off a Christmas miracle, if you know what I mean.

Sure, sure. Obviously, of course. I mean, Santa doesn't do legal work, though. Right. Yeah, sure. Is because he's busy making toys. What? No, I got I get it. I was just it was a joke. No, no, I just wanted to clarify. That's not how Christmas magic works.

I'm sorry. What Christmas magic works. I'm sorry what? Christmas magic. The way Santa does everything he does. Hey man, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, okay, no, you know what? That's a valid point because time dilation is a big part of it and I guess that's different than evocation magic that he uses to make stuff. Would that be evocation? I would usually...

Sorry. Oh man. Can I get another lawyer? Oh yeah, you could, but they'd probably delay your case for like six or seven months. You said your heat was off? Yeah, it's just that... Be seated. Counsel, you had a movement for the court?

Hey, you didn't tell me you were gonna... No, no, no. I got this. I got this. Yes, Your Honor, we moved for this landlord to lose because he didn't ask Santa for radiators. I'll allow it. You win court. Right. I forgot everybody in this universe is a fucking idiot. Right? Now that I think about it, it's probably all the same time magic he's. Building man in his own timeline. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to start with a, I guess a nightmare before Christmas actually.

We don't know that yet though. He gives her a present and it's a Mrs. Santa Claus costume. And then he turns into Santa and she screams and wakes up. Yeah. Finally, some outfit stuff that I can relate to. Okay. Like this I get, right? Yeah. But if that's the central conflict of your relationship, maybe theme your

outfit stuff differently. Well, I disagree. Okay. So it's a good way to work through stuff. Well, the outfit stuff in general. Yes, absolutely. So it's a good way to work through stuff. But the outfit stuff in general. Yes, absolutely. So okay, so now Tom shows up to take Lisa on a sleigh ride. Wait, first he falls asleep at his laptop.

Oh, he does. Yeah. Sitting up has have I have never in my life, fallen asleep sitting up in a desk chair with my face on my laptop and a Post-it note on my face. Okay, so I've never done that, but I've seen Heath do it. And I have also seen Heath do it. Now Heath does it weird. He just falls asleep sitting up.

Yeah. What? Yeah. He's also like a hundred feet tall. Yeah. Yeah. Right. You wouldn't even think that that would be allowed by just sort of like architecture and shit, but no, he's like at the end of a children's movie when the ancient guardian that was awakened by the thoughtful child goes back into its slumber. That's what it's like when it's a lot like that. Yeah, he's the fawn.

Superman. It's all right. So but now so then we get Tom, he wakes up and we see that scene so that we know that like he's really burning himself out with all this Christmas stuff. Right. So he shows up to take Lisa on a sleigh ride and she'd forgotten all And we see that scene so that we know that like he's really burning himself out with all this Christmas stuff, right? So he shows up to take Lisa on a sleigh ride and she'd forgotten all about the sleigh ride. And she's like, Hey, maybe we just spend an evening together not doing Christmas stuff. I am so here for her this entire scene.

Oh my God, for sure. She's got this like feminist moment, like his ego is in the way of everything. He's like, but this is what I want to do. And she's like, yeah, and you're not a fucking child. How about you worry about what I want to do for like one second. It's so bizarre that this has been the dynamic of the entire fucking movie up to this point

where they meet and they're like, okay, well, I really like Christmas. Oh, I really don't. And he's like, oh, okay, so the compromise would be nothing but Christmas shit for 28 fucking days in a row. Yeah, right You will like Christmas now. Yep, and then if you don't I'm gonna cry Yeah in front of you and what he establishes in this scene is that if she wants one day off of the Christmas

Tacular she's violating what is very obviously a psychotic compulsion on his part. Because even he doesn't want to do it, right? He's like, yeah, I know it's going to be cold, but Christmas is the only thing that is good in a dark world. And I'm like, someone went a little crazy during COVID lockdown. Okay, when did you start believing in Santa, my man? Yeah, well, yeah. So he tries to convince her first that she's wrong about not wanting to go. Right. He just mansplains her own goddamn feelings to her. And then she tells him the story of when she first learned that Santa wasn't real, which

is a stupid, boring story because this writer sucks. But at least from an emotional standpoint, this is her opening up to him and saying hey like this stuff actually Like pains me a little bit it it it dredges up an uncomfortable relationship. I had with my parents and stuff Yeah, right, and he's like well. Yeah, but I already reserved the sleigh though, so yeah He's doing what Christians do when you bring up that you have family members who have died and are in hell where they sort of go like Them amendment, I don't let myself ever have these thoughts. I also push down your feelings now. To get to give you an idea just how bad this is,

this is an actual exchange that happens in the movie. She says, I think we should stop seeing each other. He says, that's we should stop seeing each other. He says, that's not what I want. I know it sounds funny to the two of you, but I think if you hold- The most white boy answer in the universe. Poll your audience.

How many women in hetero or bisexual relationships? No one told us we had to stop doing that. Really, like honestly, I cannot tell you how many times I've had that exact same exchange. Wow. Oh, for sure. Yeah. We're breaking up. No, no, I don't... No, please.

But that's not what I want. Well, you had many of many opportunities, my man, to change your behavior so that you could have what you want. I always hit him with the, I just found an invisible trumpet. And then I walk crying out. so that you could have what you want. I always hit him with the, I just found an invisible trumpet. And then I walked crying out because they'll text you again just to see what the fuck that was. Lures him right in. But then, okay, so she breaks up with him and to explain what a great idea it was for her to break up with him, he then goes on the fucking sleigh ride. Well yeah. By himself he's just herumpfully sitting in the back of the sleigh in a space meant to be taken up by a couple.

I wanted so badly for him to lean forward and they were like hey I heard you guys saying you were gonna buy stuff for your kids for Christmas but you don't have to because Santa's real he does it all through Christmas batching. Okay sorry to interrupt this stuff. Going through a lot right now my girlfriend did anything I didn't want her to do one time. So you can imagine that's never happened to me before as a white man. To be a mediocre white man. Oh God.

Who's really into Santa's butthole. Oh God. I'm so handsome. I'm just as handsome as the sun. Me and my best friend, his son. Speaking of which, then we cut to him and the son. They're at the Christmas sing along. And look, there is actually a genuine space for good humor here, right? Because we have him like, her rumpfully doing his Christmas stuff. And that could be very fun, right? Somebody really sadly out of sleigh ride really sadly at a single longer, whatever. This movie has no sense of humor.

So I don't think that they ever realized that there was even humor potential there. So I want to be clear to the listeners to make sure that you know none of this is done in a funny way. None. No. He's crying to Hasan and he says I ruined everything because of Santa. Mm-hmm. Like straight. He says that straight. How stupid did he feel? Ah Asana's just like, I'm telling you man, blow jobs from guys feel way better than blow jobs from girls. Sorry, what? What did she say? Now I will say I got a little comedy moment that no one else who watched this movie got to watch. So they're at the sing-along and when the lady started singing, my wife who had

over-the-ear headphones on and was watching something with those headphones on TV, took her headphones off, looked at me, said the word flat at the top of her lungs and then put her headphones back on again. It penetrated through dimension 20. Oh, amazing. So yeah, so, but Hassan leads him away from the Christmas sing-along. And then he goes home where his animatronic Santa is there just to mock his pain. That's so stupid.

Right. He unplugs it and I wrote in my notes, I wonder if he thinks he's killing a person named Santa when he does that. Well, okay. So he explained earlier that like the joy of Christmas in the lighting of the tree or whatever that all feeds into the Magic that Santa uses to then You know fulfill his obligations to all the boys and girls or whatever So he he does think that he's like denying some boy or girl a toy by unplugging that Yeah, Santa's in some living room buckled over in pain like the twins from Hellboy 7 And I know that we skipped past this but but there's something about like just the the

lore, I guess, of this film that really bothers me. A son multiple times in this movie talks about how we need to accept Tom for who he is. You know, like this is just who you are. How is him believing in Santa? Who he is. Nothing about that is who he is. How is him believing in Santa who he is? Nothing about that is who. Can somebody explain to me? Let me tell you, if you voted for Trump and you would not like to be held responsible

for the things you've done and said, boy, oh boy, can the idiot should you think be part of who you are and therefore untouchable in your values. We are sort of expanding this idea out, right? Like the Republicans are certainly trying to expand this idea out and they're enablers in the middle that like literally every stupid fucking thing that you believe, right? Like the guy who's suing Christian University for making him get vaccinated.

And he says, it goes against my religious belief and to my medical practice. Yeah. Right? We each get one of those two, right? Yeah. And I think that's like a common Christian argument is that it's sacrosanct because it's who I am in my core being.

Right. No, it's not. And it's really hard, honestly, to make the argument that where you draw a circle around religion without drawing it around Santa belief too, right? Like the saving grace here. Oh, the movie can't even do it. No, absolutely not. The only reason we could do it as a society is because there's not a lot of people like Tom out there. If there were thousands of people like Tom, we would have to start treating this shit seriously. Yeah.

Well, we would make a big joke out of it for the first two years and then Santa would get elected president. Yep. 100%. There'd be jingle bells, which would kill 200,000 people in the first couple of months. And then, but then, then we would not believe in Santa anymore. But then a woman would say Santa wasn't real, so we'd have to go back to Santa. And Heath would be like, you gotta fight the anti-santa people and I'd be like I think I'm done fighting any so okay. All right, so then So then we get a scene where Sharon comes over to Lisa's place Ellis got an emergency She is signed up for a cardboard sled racing thing and her dad was supposed to help her

But he's the absentee shit dad, so he didn't come through. And now those are the stakes of the movies are the stakes of the movie. And nobody knows how to make a cardboard sled except Tom, which is weird because a son earlier was going on and on about duct tape and some weird kind of, yep, I don't know, sexual innuendo. Yep. A son probably could have done it or hey, they could have watched a YouTube video. Or the mom could have done it. Like this... Right, that's what I'm saying.

It's like, it's really easy to learn how to do it. And also like, he's going to learn how to do it. He doesn't, like Tom doesn't know how to do any of this shit. Yeah. And if I can make an argument, the least appropriate person to bring someone's child to is their ex's house. Yes. Who believes in Santa and is psychotic. Yes.

And like, and the other weird thing, at first I got it because Sharon, the sassy black lady sidekick is the one who brings Ella over to Tom's house because yeah, okay, main character's kind of eeked out by him. She's like, I don't want to have anything to do with this. But then Sharon doesn't leave. Right. She doesn't drop Ella off. She just stays and hangs around with them all night. I feel like you want to keep an eye on the guy.

You know? Yeah. OK, that's fair. I guess I'll give you that. But like really put yourself in this situation. Your friend goes to your ex's house with your child. Yeah, that's weird. OK. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So child? Yeah, that's weird. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So, but yeah, but that's what they do.

They take her to Tom and they're like, Hey, can you build me a cardboard sleigh? Which is a kind of a dick thing to do to your ex. I think at this point anyway, you like my kid, right? Why don't you just put in like several hours of fucking free labor after like, because when they when she broke up, she was pointing out like how overstretched he was and how he didn't have time to do extra shit. But yeah, she's like, you're not you're not like lawyering. No, you're not a pediatric oncologist or anything. Are you? Nothing important going on in your life. This guy is going to get deported. So what does it matter if it happens? Yeah. Let's build this fucking flood. So, okay.

So meanwhile, Lisa's at work. She's still struggling with that same article. And by the way, we've been following the calendar so we know it's 11 days that she's been working on this fucking article now. And apparently she's produced nothing at all other than that in December. Because like, I could totally see that you've got this article that you have to write and you've been thinking about it for 11 fucking days. I have shit like that happen all the time.

I'm just writing other shit in between. Right? Yeah. Oh yeah. She does. She's doing none work. Nope. Yeah.

She's produced nothing and Grant steps by and she's like, Hey Grant, I'm having trouble with this article. And he's like, well, you know, it's your fucking job and you've done nothing at all for 11 goddamn days. So I don't care Yeah, and I hate I hate this scene because she's like why did you pick me to write this? You know, I hate Christmas and he's like well, I thought maybe it would give you a little perspective Maybe it would teach your boring ass a lesson because you're a fucking white lady

Narcissist your editors probably said that to you a lot when you were on daytime Emmy award winning television shows, right? Did your editors often plunk down at your desk and tell you about the personal growth they were hoping you would have? All the time. Yeah, they were like, everything in this world, Kara,

is about you. Yeah. Yeah. Everybody is busting their ass to teach you a lesson. Take as long as you need to learn it. We'll wait. I fucking hate these people. Everyone in this movie is awful except for the kid.

Well, and Ahsan's fine. So speaking of which. Yeah, I like Ahsan. Although he's a bit, he's a bit permissive. Yeah. If you ask me. Yeah. So speaking of Ahsan though, so now we've got, I guess, Lisa is going to have dinner

with Ahsan to talk about Tom Right and I know this is just a tiny detail, but I have to point it out. He has made her Muslim food Food from wherever well, I'll tell you it's doll. Well, it's Nan, which is Indian. Eli, there are a lot of Muslims in India. They sure are. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, where she's like, I sure did love all the you people. But he's American Indian. I feel like he's allowed to make that.

No, they're not. Okay, fine. You want me to say it out loud? They're not allowed to have our food. I said it. I said it. I'm brave. No, they have to convert to Christianity if they want peppermint.

It is the reason for the season though. Thank you! Clearly he's already got one foot in Christianity. He does celebrate Christmas, so I guess... Well, that's why he has to have the naan and whatever the other show is. Yes! Apology accepted, Tara. Oh, Jesus Christ! So he's like...

Sounds like someone needs to do an article about listening to Eli. Eli needs to do an article about listening to Eli. Eli needs to. Okay. So, okay. So, so he turns to her and he's like, so how is Tom stick? I've been curious for years. She's like, he's like, now you should know it was really hard for him to share his belief in Santa with you.

That's something that he didn't want to tell you about. And she's like, yeah, yeah, I had a shameful thing to believe. Yeah, right. It's the kind of thing that would cause someone to break up with you. Yeah. And to which sounds like, well, you know, look, I know that nobody else believes in Santa like he does, but hey, I'm a Muslim. This is actually the argument. He goes, I'm a Muslim that lives in Denver, Colorado.

No one around here believes what I believe either. Yep. He goes, God and Santa are the same, but then he doesn't finish the thought. Right. Yeah, exactly. No, I get it. Telling people you believe in Santa is a lot like when you bring up that their prophet fucked an 11 year old. So it's very similar. He goes, he actually says, well, you know, Tom never judged me for being a Muslim. So how can I judge him for believing in Santa as though those are two equivalent proposition? Tom is fine that Mohammed fucked an 11 year old. He likes it. He says it's

good. Oh, yes. No, I believe that about Tom. He used to watch her do her bee dance and everything. Yeah. And this is where he says the accidental bee dance and everything. Yeah. And this is where he says the accidental point of the movie. Yep. The only difference between religious adults and Santa is that adults are willing to lie. And I was like, correct. Yep. Yes.

So, okay. So then the calendar pushes us into the Nutcracker Day, which Tom has has used to work on the cardboard sled. Right. He's skipping the Nutcracker for this. He literally says at this point, like, I know I'm supposed to go to the Nutcracker, but I've got to finish this sleigh. You know, Ella was here all night. She stayed up past her bedtime working on it. Gross. Yeah. Super gross.

Gross. Yeah. The fact that he's willing to adjust the schedule for the child, but not the mom makes me very worried about what the denouement of this film is going to be. Same, same. All right. Well, now it's time though for the... Oh no, I know what she whispered to Santa. Oh no. So then we cut to the big sled race, right? The big in air quotes.

Well, right. Yeah, there's six people there. Yeah. But this is what we've apparently been building towards this whole time. This is going to be the fucking finale of the movie. Ella sees the sleigh that he's made. It's a sled. Sorry, I keep saying sleigh because he's patterned it after Santa's sleigh, right?

So she sees the sled and she goes, wow, this is great, but we haven't tested it. Are we sure it's safe? And Tom goes, well, I don't know. Let's find out. And we won't wear helmets like all the other kids. No, they won't. Will they? No. We also won't stay on the ground like the other kids either, which makes the helmet thing even fucking worse. They do this whole scene in front of the worst green screen I've ever seen.

Oh yes. Guess they couldn't get rights to a hill? Nope, apparently not. Didn't have a fucking exterior shot left in them for this apparently, yeah. So Tom apologizes to Lisa for over Christmasing. He goes, I know I got a little crazy. She says, I wouldn't use the word crazy.

And I'm like, okay, well, there's your first problem right there. I wanted her to be like, because it's ableist, you're mentally ill. Because his quote is, I'm sorry for putting Christmas before us. Yes. What? Gross. Gross. Also, wait, to be fair, this is like a child competition of a cardboard sled, right? Right. Yeah.

But Tom just made the whole thing. Isn't that kind of cheating? She wasn't even involved. I can explain as a parent. There's no such thing as children competitions anymore. You just do it for your child and you compete against other parents. I learned this the hard way. Why do you father? I'm so confused by this. I was going to say, or you are like me as a fucking kid and you did it yourself and then you show up at the thing and you see a bunch of shit that somebody's dad did and you're like, well, it's not fucking fair. As nature intended.

Thank you, Kara. That's what we did last year. They were like, Max has to do a thing. We did it. We showed up, saw a bunch of parent shit. And this year we did it to a different kid because these parents, they were supposed to make design their own turkey. And so this one turkey just had like four crayons, scrolls on it. And they were just staring around at us like you fucking psychopaths. No, that's how you do it. Yeah, that's right. So, okay. So and we should point out that of the six kids that are there to enter a sled into the race, one of them is Snowball Freckle Kid. Oh yeah. Oh, antagonist established.

And by the way, I'm not saying this just to be like, meh, meh, meh, there are only four. It's not six. Oh really? It's four. No, you're right. That's all they could fit in the shot. It's so stupid.

And okay, so they're all in the sleds. They like load up. Also, can I, okay, just simple physics question. Like some of the sleds have three people in them and some have two. It doesn't seem fair, does it? Doesn't seem fair, no. And then Hassan shows up at the last minute to give them the push. And he is way too invested in this.

Like he's got money on it. Yes. Yeah. Like he's like, oh, oh, oh no. Like he's so into it. There's also this weird moment where they're like inviting Lisa in because it's just going to be Ella and Tom and he's like, hey, Lisa, why don't you sit in the sled too?

And I'm thinking like, yeah, because otherwise the little girl he's just going to have his dick pressed right against her. It's going to be really I'm going to be super uncomfortable with this. And she's like, okay, yeah, yeah, no, yeah, that makes sense. I don't want it pressed against my back. So you already have an erection.

Either. No, no. Yep. And so then Asan pushes him off, they start their race and the cinematographer's like, fuck, there is no way to make this interesting with the equipment I brought. So.

Yeah. If I throw one of the toy helicopters that Eli and Noah used to work near down the hill attached to my camera, does that count? Okay, sure. So yeah. So then we see two of the kids wipe out, right? Because it has to be down to just them and Freckle Kid. But Freckle Kid is a head and it's a sled. So there's no way to change that. Right. You're either ahead or not. Except that this particular sled course has a fucking Mario Kart jump on it. Has a Mario jump. Has a rainbow road shortcut. Right. They got a mushroom just in time. So they slide over to the jump. They managed to like leap over Freckle Kid's cart with theirs. Yep. Because, and Carrie, you're the science communicator of us, I think you know physics the best,

you can explain to us how this works. Their sled has tiny little wings. Yeah, well they deploy the wings. They deploy the wings made of cardboard that are about what? Cardboard wings on the cardboard sled. Four by two. Yes, big inches. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Four by two inches. Yes. Yeah.

Crazy, really, you know, remake of this scene. The first kid who wipes out in the first sled dies, and the parents are just screaming in the background of the rest of the Danu mall. OK. All right. So I want that, but I also want when they land on this, from this jump, for their entire sled to act like, you know, a sled would act after you landed from this jump for their their entire sled to act like you know a sled would act

after you landed from this jump and then like you know his Cossack's bone or whatever is broken by the fucking fall and shit the little girl's leg is broken and she's screaming and freckle kid wins anyway yeah yeah remember I'll never walk again. These are made of Shocks They were landed on their asses when this happens, oh So but they win and snowball kids Christmas dreams are crushed now think about this poor fucking kids story, right? Because he's never done anything bad He him and his brother just wanted to have a snowball fight with somebody. That's a sweet thing to do, right? If kids throw snowballs at me while I'm walking down the road, I throw snowballs back and we all tee hee hee about it or whatever.

Noah, are you arguing for everybody gets a trophy right now? Someone's got to win if somebody else loses. The reason he's not on the show this week is because he's waiting at the top of that hill for a fair and legal competition. All right. So but they win and everybody goes out to celebrate with some cocoa. Oh, I cannot deal with how you spelled the word cocoa. Cocoa.

In this part of the scene. Cocoa. C-O-C-O-A-H. The only thing worse than my spelling of Cocoa is the image of Tom licking it gently off the tip of your nose. Yeah. While you're bound to a dental chair.

So I think that what he, all he did here is, cause the next word is here. And I think he just wrote Cocoa here and forgot the space and then like autocorrect fixed it. Do not make excuses. You cannot spell. I'm with you.

It looks like a fun. It looks like a like a place from the Bible, right? Like a biblical place name, right? Yeah. The people came down from Cocoa or whatever. Yes. Yeah. When you wake up on Christmas morning and I am duct taped to your ceiling, the word that

I will whisper as your eyes flutter open is Coco I think would be a Christmas miracle I want that to happen now oh they did don't say that on the record patrons patrons you know we're taking the week off well no we took the week off. Yeah, it's too late. Damn it. So, okay. You guys will see it in the police report. Yeah, this will be a callback by then. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So, okay. So, but it'll be evident.

Thomas, Thomas learned something here today. So he stands up to make a great big speech, right? And he's wearing ski bibs. He sure is. He sure is. And he's learned that Christmas is about spending the time with the people that we love. That's what makes it special. Eli and Kara.

Exactly. And then he gives this whole big speech and Lisa's like, I've also learned something here today. And I'm like, oh, we're just taking turns with the 10-year-old. And they stand up. Yes, they stay. There's four of them there. They're all standing up. They grab a conch shell or whatever.

So but but she un breaks up with him. She's like, remember that thing I said that we haven't told my daughter about? I unsay it now. Right. And he's like, oh, yeah, yeah, great. We're at the end of the movie. That was bound to happen. Then he produces his Christmas list. The two things he's wished

for, which are their names. Yep. As possessions. Yep. He says, he's like, I love you so much. I can't put it into words. And I'm like, so you chose interpretive dance? But no, no, no. He goes down on one knee. Now, first of all, more of a New Year's thing and a Christmas thing. I think you're fucking it up. But, you know, the other thing, though, is that like she was broken up with you when this conversation started. Yep. Right.

And you've got a ring and you're going to propose in front of her daughter who loves you Right who is already sees you as a father. What a dick thing to do, right? My disappointing her. Oh, yeah, yes, you're true Yeah, he doesn't he doesn't think that far ahead when he pulls out the ring and she said shut the front door. I literally yelled blah because I often exaggerate for the podcast it's part of the job I am 100% honest when I say my mouth without my permission went at this point I'm out of Zofran and I'm mainline in compositing

oh yes like I'm hitting the keyboard with my and I'm mainlining Composite. Oh, yeah. No. It's just like I wanted... I'm just hitting the keyboard with my fist at this point. I want it so bad when they do the tight shot of him opening the ring box and the diamond to have a little diamond Santa hat. Oh, yes. So yeah, but then Ella's like, Santa Israel, You guys get married is what I asked him for. And then there are hugs all around. Well, the stupid fucking movie is not over yet though,

cause we still have to wrap up. Yeah. It didn't end. Why didn't it end? It could end right there, but we wouldn't have known about her Christmas article. So cares the final scene. Truly, truly. Thank you, Kara. But yeah, but like we cared about any of the other stuff though, right? So, but then we get like the VO of her Christmas article as we're seeing everybody celebrate Christmas, right? That's the finish of the movie.

I do appreciate that these people have like families and shit. Yeah, we get to see Assan's Muslim family's Christmas celebration. And his nipples are popping in that. Oh yeah, it is cold in there. Well, the uncovered heads at this table of this Muslim family. I'm telling anyone out of worship. It's true. It's true.

But then also like, so this this article that she spent three weeks on also kind of socks, right? Kind of. She says she's like, it's Santa's Christmas and he transcends country and religion. And I'm like, oh, so in the sequel, Christians firebomb her office is what happens. Yeah, right. And she brings, she brings a big, now I want to talk about the mistletoe box. Okay.

We talk about the mistletoe box. So there's a scene where she has a big box of mistletoe and she brings it upstairs with like a, is that like a, we're going to use this to excuse analingus? Cause that's what I got from that. I don't think more mistletoe makes it like, I don't, I don't think there's like one mistletoe is first base two mistletoe. You are the science communicator. How many mistletoes equals analingus? Oh, Jesus Christ. I feel like this couple literally just kisses and they think that's sex. Yep.

They'll be shocked in a few years when she hasn't gotten pregnant. Yeah, like their field profiles are really confusing. Yeah. So, what do you mean by just candy canes? No, just candy canes. Oh, and then they go upstairs to fuck and then we see Christmas morning, Ella got her iPhone after all from motherfucking Santa. Which by the way, this is supposed to be like a loving, quaint moment. This is the moment

where everything that the mother cares about is undermined. Yep. Yeah. She was like, I've said it 50 times. I don't want my kid getting an iPhone. The moral of this movie is that no, nobody should budge an inch for their romantic partner. Right. And that who gives a shit what the woman wants. Right. Yeah, no man. Yeah. Of course. Sorry. Who gives a shit what the actual mother, whose purview it is, to raise this child wants.

Because Santa. Right. Because the movie's not super clear about it. It's not entirely clear about whether it was Santa or Tom that got her the iPhone, but either way, kind of a dick move by a dude who isn't her mom. And then the fucking voiceover comes on and is like, do you believe in Santa? And I'm like, Jesus Christ, you thought you did a lot more than you did. No. Oh, yeah.

Movie. Also. Obviously. No. I'm not psychotic. You say no. I say I hate this movie so fucking much. Fuck you, Eli. It's the last thing I wrote. OK, that's fair. All right. Well, I believe that does it for our review thing I wrote. Okay, that's fair. All right, well, I believe that does it for our review

of I Believe in Santa, but that is not gonna do it for the episode just yet, because we got renewed for another year. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. A journalist searches for her daughter as a series of catastrophic disasters push it to stabilize society towards the brink of global war. We'll be watching Countdown Armageddon. Oh, good, the exact same movie disasters, push it to stabilize society towards the brink of global war.

We'll be watching Countdown Armageddon. Oh good, the exact same movie we've watched 31 times again. Heath will be thrilled. 32 baby! Yeah, alright. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 487 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Kara for helping out tonight. Be sure to check the show notes if you'd like to hear more from her and an even huger thanks

to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a prep-show donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. So if you enjoyed this show be sure to check out our civilly shows, the scaling alias, citation needed, DND minus and the skeptic guide available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions comments or cinematic suggestions you can email god awfulmoviesgmail.com. Tim Robertson care of our social media our theme song was written and performed by Ryze, Lafayette, Viva, Jeff, and Mars all the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen Wright, Neelay Bosnick, I'm Lelouchens, promise to work hard

to earn another chunk next week until then we'll leave you with the Breakfast Club clothes. The FBI raided Tom's apartment and found a massive cache of kiddie porn disguised as Christmas VHS tapes. It saw it coming. It saw it. Yeah, we all saw it coming. The Icelandic version of this movie with a grown-up who believes in Yule Cat is much darker. Yeah. Santa told Tom to kill his family while they were sleeping. And he did.

Well, you can't question Sam. And Interstitial 3, which I absolutely fucking love. Why did they make this character a lawyer? It's never relevant that he's a fucking lawyer. I think it's to instill us with the deep and abiding terror about court appointed attorneys. It's a really good reminder. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2024 all rights reserved. You love with that River Sports Book. Take a chance! Must be 19 plus, available in Ontario only.

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