God Awful Movies - 489: Disciples in the Moonlight

Episode Date: January 14, 2025

This week, we welcome in Jordan Black from the Dead Domain YouTube Channel for an atheist review of Disciples in the Moonlight. It's the story of a terrifying near future world where all the hate speech has been removed from the Bible and... that's it. That's the terrifying future. --- Hear more from Jordan at the Dead Domain YouTube channel If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/

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Pete might as well run through the scene with a propeller beanie on being like, eh. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. God awful. God-awful movies! Welcome back to the Gamecast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema or they'll send us back to the GAMCast where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema or they'll send us back to the science lab. I'm your host, Noah Lujansson. Sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend Heath Enright. Heath, welcome back. I did not care for this motion picture. No!

Interesting. But I also loved it. They take hard swings. Okay, yep, yep. There's at least that. They've at least got that going from no one will walk away from this movie. Oh, and I wish they swung harder. Medium. Yeah.

And sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend, Eli Bostic. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Well, no, I'll tell you, I remember that night like it was yesterday. You can't somebody get a goddamn violin! Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Dead Domain YouTube channel, which will be linked on the show notes as well as from the rest of the episode, obviously. Jordan, welcome to God Offal Movies. Thank you. Say, you know, it's good to be here. It's good to be here. Good to have watched this movie a second time on purpose. Second time. Wow. Wow. Dedication.

We're going to swing back around to that in a second, but first tell us Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Disciples in the Moonlight. It's the story of secular nationalists hijacking American politics and banning books about the truth asterisk. Oh, what a nightmare. And the ragtag band of Christians who fight back. It's reality and it's project 2025 and they were like, but opposite though. Right, right. Well, that's the thing. If this had been made in like 2004, we'd be like, oh, how embarrassing for them. But it was made like last fucking year. Yeah. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you've enjoyed the frantic fictionalized self persecution of Christians

in our other Apocalypse films, but you wish they just switched out all the fantasy with things we are actually doing. You will love this movie. It's no, you are the Apocalypse. Right. Yeah. Yep. And Jordan, this movie was actually your suggestion. So did you, did you come across this in a professional capacity or are you just a big fan of Christian auteur Brett Varvel? They call themselves Varveluses. Are you Varvelus?

The Varvel cinematic universe. Yeah, I am. Oh God. Oh, I want that so bad. I want the follow-up to this like nobody's business. I guess you could say it was technically in a professional capacity because now part of my job, YouTubing, is just watching this terrible Christian conservative film. So I had the pleasure of seeing this one in theaters on the big screen where somebody clearly thought it belonged. They put this in theaters? Oh yeah. This was a fathom event, limited time engagement.

Oh, I love those. Opening and closing on Tuesday. Okay, so here's my question though, and because we'd go to the theater once in a while to watch ours, were you in a completely empty theater all by yourself or did you get Christians? Oh, I suspect I got Christians. This is one of the few films, because I've seen several terrible movies. I was telling y'all I had seen The Firing Squad, and that one I was alone for. This one had at least a couple people, and I felt slightly bad when I abruptly laughed

out loud. Yeah. And couldn't help it. It's always fun when you get in trouble at those. Oh yeah. I like that out loud. Yeah, that couldn't help it. It's always fun when you get in trouble at those Oh, yeah, like that. Yeah. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at? We're the worst at yeah, I'm gonna go with best worst wrong voice for one tiny All right, I won't spoil it but I know exactly who you're talking about Of course, I'm talking about officer Rob Reiner, the cop at one point.

Officer helium. It's the best. And there's this one moment where cops are supposed to be like, they're getting away and he radios like chase them. And he gets on the radio and he's like, hey, hi, dispatch, could you go ahead and maybe, I don't know, follow the fugitive? That'd be great. Namaste. It's so good.

It made no sense just audibly and I laughed for a while. He was amazing. And they keep bringing him back for no fucking reason. Every time I listen to Needle Laugh, he'll show back up. Stop or I'll shoot. So I'm going to go with best worst attempt at futurism. Okay, so this is supposed to be set in the near future, So I'm going to go with best worst attempt at futurism, right? Okay. So this is supposed to be set in the near future, but they don't have the budget for

futuristic shit. So everybody's just got like a normal today car and normal today clothes and normal today everything except once in a while somebody will just bust out with some weird ass future tech holographic tablet and be like, see, future, we have fucking CGI. The only thing we have yet to conquer is holographic iPads, Noah. I'm told it's to you. I just need my iPad to be more, you know,

just a little more, yeah. But only a little bit in layers. I'm gonna go with best worst knowing looks. Sure. This movie is, I'm going to go with best, worst knowing looks. Sure. This movie is, I'm not kidding, 45% people staring at each other and being like, hmm? Hmm. It's fucking unbearable. Which makes it really awkward in some scenes,

which we'll talk about later, because you're not sure what emotions people who are related are trying to convey, and it comes across very Folgers commercial. Yes, I have notes on that. Well, that's the thing is that it's a combination of knowing looks and bad actors, and that's never a good combo.

The looks are like, we're in a movie, right? How many times do you think the words, it's just like a real movie were said on the set of this? So many times. Right. I think he said it instead of action. Yeah. Action, like in a real movie, guys, was probably the line.

And Jordan, did you have a Best Worst for us? Oh boy, I did. My favorite part of this movie, and I really only recognized it in retrospect, is Best Worst Christian Dystopia, because this is a world, and it's meant to be this dark near future where people are hunted for being Christians, except it's not like Terminator or some awful cyberpunk dystopia where there's car burning in the streets and people, looters running wild because there's no morality. It's just like the society we have now, except there aren't... It's fine.

Yeah, radical religious groups running everything. So I'm like, okay. It seems like a net win. Yeah, exactly. Well, that's the thing. They never bothered to establish dystopia. So I'm, I'm like, okay. It seems like a net win. Exactly. Well, that's the thing. They never bothered to establish dystopia. They're like, well, they've edited the Bible and we're supposed to be like, well, fuck that's enough. That is the, they have crossed the line. Yeah. Not the most edited book in world history. All right. Well, this movie was a bit of a long one, so we're going to keep the break brief and

when we come back, we'll dive into all the persecution fantasies that are disciples in the moonlight. Okay. What about like blood? Blood where? I don't know. Blood. You know, blood.

Stop saying blood. Hey, Eli, why are you bothering Jordan? Sorry, we usually try to feed him mini muffins between segments. We do. OK, first of all, those are my reward mini muffins. And no, Jordan's going to teach me to be cool. With blood? He said blood.

I didn't say blood. OK. Look, Jordan's a YouTuber. YouTubers know what's cool. And Jordan has lots of blood on their channel. I checked. Eli, if you want to refresh your look, why don't you try quince? Is that a cool person drug, Jordan?

Are you on the quince right now? No, Eli, quince like the clothing company. So however you choose to refresh yourself this year, all quince pieces are priced 50 to 80 percent less than similar brands. Well, how do they do that? They're able to do that by partnering directly with top factories, cutting out the cost of the middleman and passing the savings on to you. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Noah.

Are we talking legitimate fashion companies here? Yep. Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical and responsible manufacturing practices. And of course, they use premium fabrics and finishes for that luxury feel in every piece. It's true. Quince sent me some active wear to try when they became a sponsor, and I feel cozy as a bear when I wear it. As a bear. Super cozy.

All right, Noah. I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Upgrade your closet this year without upgrading the price tag. Go to quince.com slash awful for 365 I can be cool all on my own. Fine. More blood for me. Wait, wait, wait. Blood is cool? Yeah, of course it's cool. I knew it!

Let me get some. Alright everyone, welcome to the first Writers Room meeting of Disciples in the Moonlight. Hooray! Anyway, so our movie takes place in a bleak dystopian future where hate speech has been banned. Wait, isn't that a good thing? Well, no, no, because in this world, right, they call the Bible hate speech. Oh, so like, nobody's allowed to worship God? Well, no, no, they are.

But they just like a new version of the Bible with a bunch of the stuff cut out. Uh, what stuff? Well, I don't think we have to be too explicit about that in the script, but I assume it would be like, you know, the stuff that people don't like. Like the murder and the rape? The homophobia? The sexism? Yeah, yeah, that stuff.

So the hate speech? Well, yeah, I guess. Sorry, you just you want the foundation of our movie to be that the protagonists who are allowed to be Christians are fighting to keep the explicit hate speech in the Bible? Yes. No, exactly. That's it. That's what I was thinking.

Yes. All right, let's do it. That's what I was thinking. Yes. All right, let's do it. This is going to be fun. Hate speech is the best part of the Bible. Right. Nice. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up with a bunch of production logos over a series of sounds that could not more closely mimic the sounds of a man getting ready to beat off without the addition of a zipper and a series of mouse clicks. But like the movie didn't know it's already on the Zoom call like your boomer parents. No, it seemed like the movie was going to start with a, oh, fuck, we're on. Yeah.

It's like the movie butt dialed you because all you hear is like, if somebody does that and you answer, and all you can hear is like the phone moving around in a pocket and you're like, Hello? My mom's about to call me in two minutes and be like, you called? No movie, you called me. Movie. I'm not a cat. So the movie starts, it's a guy who's recording himself. He's doing like a confessional and they've got him edited to look like fucking max headroom here. He keeps going I'm here to it record, you know, I no idea why so well because they know that digital cameras exist in the future

So they're trying to do like the footage isn't good. So they decided in the future things will just go like It'll be remixed. Yeah. Yeah, it'll be remixed. We're going to find out that he's at a Christian house, though. So they're on like dial up. Maybe that's. Oh, right. Right. Yeah. But he explains to whoever he's recording this for that they are hunting them and that they get closer every day. Yeah, they can't. He says they can't find us, but they're getting closer.

And I wrote flash cut to Geo GuestGuy, finding him in under 11 seconds. Yeah. I like that his hair is perfectly coiffed here. Like he used hairspray and a comb for a while, whilst being hunted by whoever. Yes, right. On the run. Yeah.

It really caught up a lot while the hair was getting done. Oh, if there is one thing you can say about the cast of this movie is that they take their hair and beard grooming very seriously. Very seriously, except Jake. Yeah, so okay, so now we're gonna give this some context, sort of. I mean, not really.

We'll come back to that at the end of the movie, but don't expect much. We cut to eight years ago, and we're in a barn in Indiana. Now we've got two characters here, Nate and Jake, right? They're secretly packing Bibles in a barn. I love that they're getting hunted and they're carrying around big boxes of books the whole time. Theoretically. Yeah, it's very heavy. It's way easier to traffic cocaine in terms of like value per

gram or whatever. But they hear something. They hear something apparently doing laps around the barn. This is where we get our first pop scare of the film. Someone in the shooting or sound design of this film was not told it wasn't going to be a horror movie. So there will be several moments in this incredibly slow paced drama that there will be a pop scare and they're like, God damn it, Larry, you did it again. Right.

But the anti Christianity cops have now surrounded the barn. Right. Right, but the anti-Christianity cops have now surrounded the barn, right? So Nate, thinking quick, he hits the remote start on his car, which is outside of the barn. So 100% of the cops turn to it. They all run over like, like your Spider-Man shooting a web on a stealth level. So good. It's like they approach the car, by the way, with guns drawn, fully out.

They're about to execute Herbie. But then they just gunned the truck out of the door of the barn, so the Spider-Man thing accomplished absolutely nothing. The cops were actually out of the way. They could have hit some cops, but the moved over to like check out the the car and maybe execute her be yeah Right and and I have to say this truck bursting through the door of this barn That's where I'm gonna say 70% of this movie's budget went Right, they they do not have the budget to do anything else exciting for the rest of the movie because they fucked up Larry's barn

No, yeah uncle Larry's Bible barn. They hey, can we use this shot for our movie? Yeah, as long as you buy me a new door. Yeah, right. That was their budget So yeah, so now there's gonna be a chase scene. I'm kidding There's no there's there's gonna be so much chasing in this movie, but it never rises to the level of chase scene. And then we get our stupid fucking title. I hate this title so goddamn much. It comes up and it says Disciples in the Moonlight. And like they were already defensive knowing Noah wouldn't like the title, it then cuts over to The Moon.

Like see? No, they're disciples in the Moonlight. Moon's right there. Great movie title. to the moon like see no they're disciples in the moon right I don't think you get it it's like a Kojima title like it works on multiple levels not only not only are the disciples themselves in the moonlight but literally the word disciples is in the moonlight oh shit it is isn't it maybe this is a good movie yeah I don't think it is though isn't it? That's pretty good. Maybe this is a good movie.

Yeah, I don't think it is though. No, we did that last week. I don't want to do that. But then we get the cops, they're checking out the barn, and damn it, there are Bibles everywhere. So one cop is like, sir, check it out, it's Bibles. I thought the cop, the head guy was going to come over and like, lick a Bible and be like, yep, Christian, pure Christians. Uncut word of God, yeah. My favorite part of that is, because there are so many moments throughout the film

that are just, they feel clipped from any action movie you've ever seen. But then it's not about like, okay, a veteran coming out of hiding or he's got to do one last job. It's about the fucking Bible. Like it's not a case of cocaine.

It's a Bible. And the movie never seems to realize that by swapping those two things out, they've created humor. It never seems to realize that through the entire two hour and eight minute runtime of this goddamn film. They might as well start like cutting the yellow wire to disarm the Bibles. It's so silly.

So, okay. So now apparently, they'd never really explained this, but apparently Jake and Nate ditched the truck like 18 feet away from the barn and started running through the the corn because that's more dramatic slash cheaper to film yeah also uncle Larry didn't realize they were gonna hit the door that hard and he said we couldn't drive through his corn yeah Larry won't talk to us buy new corn anybody have a We get corn. We get our corn from Uncle Larry. He is our corn guy.

Yeah, that's fucked. God damn it. So yeah, so, but they run away. Where would you find corn in Iowa? God damn it. The cops set the barn on fire. Right? We see this cheap ass... For no reason! Well, because there's so many Bibles in it.

Okay, but you could just like take them or burn the Bibles. Yeah, just burn the Bibles. I wanted the scene to keep going and it's like, all right, now put out the barn. We'll stop doing whole buildings from now on. We could just get the Bibles out. Burn those. Just another victim of the crossfire classic rivalry between firefighters and cops.

Oh, there you go. Also, we got to get Uncle Larry a barn. Fuck. Well, no, we don't, because this is the cheapest CGI burning the barn you'll ever see in your fucking life. Yeah. Is there something before after effects? Just effect? So then we cut to this old guy pouring coffee while the TV offers us some exposition. All the problems started when the politicians started calling out the Bible for being bigotry. Right?

Yeah. So far, the movie's message, I wrote my notes, so far the movie's messages, we must protect our bigotry. That's the only message it will ever have. Yeah. See, I wrote in my notes, bigotry is bad. The Antichrist inclusion and, the antichrist, inclusion and welcoming the antichrist.

Mm-hmm. Well, and they don't ever, you'll notice, because I was so curious. I want to know what is in the, because they call it the new enlightened Bible, and it's heavily like nodded towards that it's some sort of woke version of the Bible. Yes. But all they do is they reframe John 3.16 and that's the only verse they ever say, ah, this is the new bad woke Lib Bacock Bible. And it's like, okay, what about,

I would like to know what the rest of it changed to get people, get their ire up so much. Yes. Because it's never explained. Well, and we have two hours and six fucking minutes of movie to explain it. Why is that critical information left out? It's so stupid.

Well, you gotta have all the knowing looks. But they do mention something here that is one of my favorite fake details of the movie. They explain that they have a Bible buyback program. Yes. Oh, it's so good. That's so fucking funny. I wanted so badly for the characters for the rest of the movie to have Bible bump stocks

and Bible silencers they bought between state lines. You know, look how fast these pages turn. I love that they think we'd have to replace the Bible with another book. Like you have to have a magical book. Even the atheists would need to do that if they took over. Yeah, it's okay. So we and all as the news is doing all this where we've got this old man and he's getting in his old truck and he's gonna he's got his Bibles and he's going out somewhere and his truck stalls out right on the train tracks.

Not the train tracks. Not like, like with plenty of time for this old man to get out of his truck, push it to safety and then wander on. It's so funny. Now I laughed a lot because let me be clear because I was like probably get out of the truck. I spent the rest of the movie. You got so much time waiting for them to reveal that the government had done this to frame the Christians for being terrorists. But they didn't. That will never be revealed.

No, it's just an old Christian idiot destroyed. What we're going to learn is a train full of people. So I spend the rest of the movie watching them talking about this train derailment and the people that died in it being like, yeah, but don't worry because it's all going to have been the bad guys. Nope. It was the good guys. They're dangerous idiots. Yeah.

And they try to do the horror movie thing. The guy's like seeing the train from so far away and then it's closer and then he like can't get his seatbelt off. He's like jangling keys to try to get the right key to open. Yeah. Yeah. It's so good. So yeah, so, but he gets hit. Well, we don't see any of that because they didn't have the money to CGI that kind of

bullshit. So then we cut to Nate. He's passing by one of these enlightened truth Bible distribution centers that they have now where you can trade in your Bible and get the new version. Yeah. Shaking his head and disgust like they're handing out Adrena Chrome babies to crack the head off and take a drink from. It comes with a hundred dollar gift card.

I mean, you can throw the fucking Bible away, keep the gift card, you know. You can use that at adrenachrome.com or whatever. Sure, yes. Yeah, it's another thing, people already give out Bibles for free, but the woke Bible comes with a hundred dollar gift card. Again, I fail to see the downside to this world.

It's much better than the normal Bible. Thank you, Jordan. Yeah. If I'm in the universe, I'm stealing Bibles from Christian people and getting a hundred dollars for each one. You're coming back in different mustaches. Yeah, exactly. You're so, okay.

So now we're going to meet Jim. Jim is at a diner. He's watching more exposition on a different goddamn newscast. Yeah, and I have to take a moment here to describe the physical appearance of literally everyone in this movie. Do you know how, I forget who it was,

I think it was Ricky Gervais describes Steve Carell as almost handsome, right? Like the thing that makes Steve Carell, everyone in this movie is almost handsome. Right? Like the thing that makes Steve... Everyone in this movie is almost handsome enough to be a real actor. Right? They look like that AI construction, like a really good AI picture of a model, but there's something uncanny valley about it that ruins it for you. Got Cthulhu fingers.

Yeah. Yeah. Virtually every character in this movie looked like somebody who, like, if I was hiking and I ran into this person, I'd be like, oh, god damn it. They all had different variations of that face. Everyone in this movie rolls their own cigarettes badly. They all look like someone, a friend would go on vacation and come back and be like, hey, I met Zooey Deschanel on vacation. And they show you a picture and it's just this guy's wife.

And you're like, no, how many drinks did you have? No. Like, it's not okay. You can see the confusion on her face about the picture being taken. So, but while they're in the diner watching the news, the Bible cops come in and they check this chick, this random chick for Bible stuff and they find

that she's got an e-bible in her phone. Yeah. Which is again, very funny. Like Noah said in his best worst, right? So the future has iPad scanners, but for the fucking iPhone 11, apparently, like no one has the iPad future for that version of the phone. No. They've got iPhone 11s and like no one has the iPad future for that version of the phone. No.

They've got iPhone 11's and the government has the scanner. Yes, uh-huh. So they scan her Bible or her phone, she's there, they're like, you have a Bible on your phone. She's like, it's not like, it's not what you think. And they drag her off screaming and running. Now I wanna point out that the only one of the named characters in the entire fucking movie

that is in the diner in that moment is Jim. I say that because later they'll all be going, remember the girl in the diner? And I'm like, none of you were in the fucking diner! Sorry. We were watching the dailies. We were watching the movie.

It was just like a real movie. So yeah, but then like drag her out and everybody goes back to eating. Everybody had been perfectly silent until then and they're like, oh, it's not me. And then that's not even a main character. It's the best. Everybody's like, yeah, so hate speech is bad. Pass the syrup?

Great. So, but just then Nate shows up. His wife is there waiting for him. He shows up and he has to kind of hint to her that the Bible drop didn't go well last night, you know, because the barn was burned or whatever. I have a tiny detail that I'd like to discuss here, if I may, because I thought about it for significantly longer than I thought about anything else in the movie. He sits down, he orders black coffee, and then to eat, he points at the food his wife is already eating and says,

that looks good. I'll have one of those. One breakfast, please. It just felt like a very, it didn't seem impossible. It was just startling. It felt like the writer in the moment could not come up with a breakfast food. Right. Exactly. Yeah, or like have them say, and the number four. Yeah, right. Nope. Gramps toast? Is that it? Scram. Scram.

It's on the tip of my tongue. So, but then as they're kind of surreptitiously talking about things going wrong last night, the news cuts in to tell everybody that the train derailed and killed 57 people. So this is one of my favorite parts of this movie because do you ever look at a media comedy? Like, okay, you look at somebody like Matt Walsh, for example, and you see the way he reacts to anything, and you're like, you're only in your 40s, but you appear to have the brain and understanding of a like dementia-addled 80 year old. Right. Yeah. That's the way, like the methodology they wrote this movie with where it

technically takes place in the near future, but everybody's understanding of the world comes from like Fox news boomers. Wherever you go, the only steadfast source of information and news is cable TV and they are everywhere. Yeah, right. So, but in this moment, Nate notices this old bearded guy that is the apostle we know, we've seen the picture already that this is the apostle

and he's like- Dan Beecher. He- Oh yeah. It's Dan Beech and he's like Dan Beecher. It's Dan Beecher. It is Dan Beecher. From the date over dogma. It is. It is. And didn't tell us he was in the movie.

I was really excited for him. I. He's and actor. He's a podcaster and actor. Exactly. Yeah. So, but yeah, so this guy kind of like, you know, hints to him that he wants him to go outside and meet with him.

So Nate goes outside and he's like, you know, who are you? He's like, you know who I am. You've been watching the movie. He's like, right. He's like, I have a job for you. And he's like, is it the rest of the movie? He's like, it is the rest of the movie. He also, he's doing some kind of accent that I, I listened back to like two or

three times and it feels like he starts almost Hispanic but then moves to like vaguely Italian at some point. Sure. Yeah. It felt like he was trying to go for the most interesting man in the world from the Dos Heckys commercial. Oh, sure. Very much so.

Very much so. Yeah. I don't always do religion, but when I do, I prefer a Christian. So now, okay, so now Nate and his wife, and I never caught the wife's name. I don't know. I think I'm sure they said it at some point, but Nate and his wife are back home and Nate is stating his motivation. What we're going to learn in this scene is that he's trying to deliver Bibles to all

the Christians and he's not, you know, he's not very good at it. But the guy who is good at it is Jim, the old wizened guy that we met in the last scene that was watching the news But he doesn't do that anymore. He's out of that game Yeah, and let's talk about the core conceit of the movie. Okay Oh, please see to the movie is the assignment that they have gotten from the Apostle is to get Bibles to seven churches in Just two hours. Which first of all, hilarious image, right? Because you guys are picturing him hocking him out the window being like, go, go, go, right? It's the saddest. The whole movie is a sad side

mission in a really bad video game. You have to just like hand seven books, Kill 11 rats in my basement. Yeah, exactly. But just take a moment to acknowledge that's a terrible idea, right? It's significantly more likely that you'll get caught that way. There's no reason to be doing this all at the same time. It is significantly more risky for everyone involved, for all the religion, all the illegal religion to be happening in one

night. And they never explain why it needs to be all in basically the same hour. Thank you. It's so stupid. It's supposed to be this big dramatic thing of like, all right, here's the mission. We got to pull off, get Bibles to seven underground churches in three different states in a two hour window. And I was like, why would any of those details matter?

It's supposed to be a heist movie, but in a heist movie, you know, there, there's always that moving part that's like, Oh, we only have this amount of time while the president's entourage is busy or the guards are going to be out here, but it's like, no, you can, you can just do this anytime. Yes. Well, that's exactly what happened, right? This idiot fucking writer was like, all right, well, they're gonna need like an Ocean's 11 team,

which means I'll need to think of a way that every different person will have a different thing to do. And he's like, what if they had to deliver seven different things at the same time so there would be seven of them? It's so good. It's Devotions 11.

Oh, I'm afraid we're going to have to end there. There's a literal like, make up the team moment, like a montage where they introduce their characters and it's like, I'd be really good at handing one book, probably. No, yeah, his wife literally turns to him and is like, you're going to need a good team. Yes. It's like, what? Why would you need to be handing a thing? But before we can get our team building montage, we have to cut over to Homeland Security and meet our bad guy who I had. So this is poor

man's Mark Strong. I have him as Mark weak throughout my notes. Fantastic. But it couldn't be as good as the goddamn name that the movie gives him, which is Hazard. Come on. One name. Like he's a fucking Cobra villain. Yes. I love too, because Hazard is standing in front of his like yarns and pushpin thing

where he's trying to track the apostle and all of his people or whatever. And I just imagine this day where Props was like, Hey guys, we need some yarn and pushpins and literally everyone involved with this movie was like, I got you. But I'm going to forget who's Jewish is a part of the cast of friends. If that's a risk you're willing to take uncle Larry has a yarn and push pins barn I think we're all set oh god well we shouldn't have pissed him off he's the library of Alexandria I think he might be a terrorist but we'll get

plenty of that so then okay so we cut Nate. He's trying to make contact with Jim because in order to pull off the this unprecedented Bible delivery, he's going to need the help of an expert. Right. So he's like, Hey, Jim, will you help me with this Bible thing? And Jim's like, No, I left that life behind is the scene we're getting. No, it literally it is the like, you've got to come out of retirement. Or like, I half expect Jim to just be like, I don't go by that name anymore. And like, it is so overwrought. And also, Jim's daughter,

he is so mean to this 30-year-old woman who apparently still lives with him. Yes, right, because the daughter comes in and she's like, why aren't you helping them? And he treats her like a 15 year old Not since Meg got shot in the back in leap 2 has someone instantly Been screamed at by every other fucking character in the movie Ashley will be later in the movie But for the first I'm gonna say four scenes. She will walk in open her mouth when he's like god damn it Ashley

Four scenes she will walk in open her mouth when he's like god damn it Ashley Yes, Jim is her I had my nose Jim has heard enough of her back sass damn it But he's not going back to that life. That's for sure. You know, he's not doing it not an act one He's not it's like but you're the best goddamn Handing of books guy Nobody can hand books like you, Jim. So, all right. So then we cut to, let me say this with the straight face. I've been practicing hazards office.

Sorry. All right. So my favorite part of this, before you actually cut to the office, they have these wide shots that they use that is clearly like some government building that they have stock footage of. And it's very obviously a metropolitan area. And then it always cuts to close angle, just a shed somewhere that they put the Department of Homeland Security logo on. Yeah. It's just like the ISS when I went to high school. It's that building. Yeah. So yeah. But then we got into Hazard's office. He's giving marching orders to his like underlings,

right? They know that the apostle met with Nate, the main character, and they know that Nate met with Jim, which means that Nate is just terrible. I almost went with best worst Danny Oshens, right? Because like Nate is just the worst fucking leader constantly gets his fucking people caught or killed or on a fucking government watch list or whatever. And mind you, the entire, the impetus, the reason he tells his wife that he has to do this Bible handout mission is specifically because there's too much heat on the apostle, right? Because there's too much attention on him, so Nate has to do it.

But throughout the entire film, there is never a point from the beginning of the movie where the government is not aware of every step they take. Yeah, right. How much more heat could possibly be on you? You're the surface of the goddamn sun. No, the corona isn't that hotter? Yeah, you're the corona of the fucking sun. So then we so OK, so now we check in with Jake.

Now, he was the sidekick guy that was in the barn at the beginning. If you watch the movie, you'll know him as just beard guy, right? He's the guy with the shaved head and the enormous beard. Okay, so talk me through why they chose to write this character the way they did, right? Because, Jake, it will turn out... I was waiting the whole movie for him to turn out to be a bad guy, right? Because he's a shitty dad who fights with his smoking wife about not being home enough and he never takes care of the kids and the dishes are in the sink and he I should point out that when Eli says smoking wife

he means wife that smokes cigarettes not like attractive wife but uh I can mean both well you might be both but I feel like where we're going was smoking wife yeah well I was leaving it vague enough in case this actress I mean mean, I'll just say it. Thank you. Jake's life's kind of nice with it, you know. Jordan, brave. Thank you. We will not be silenced. Right, but importantly though, the reason I clarified it is because she is using the universal I'm not a good mom Christian movie symbol, right? She's smoking a cigarette. That's how we know we do not have to be sympathetic to this character. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. But like this this guy is supposed to be like

One of the main heroes of the movie, right? He will not turn out to be a villain. He will not turn out to be irresponsible He's the model of a good Christian Well, but Eli so I don't think that this movie is aware of any of the things that you said made him a bad guy, right? I think that this movie sees this character as a good man trying to do right by his family while his nagging wife complains to him about not being home often enough. Oh, right. But also very justifiably abandon his family a lot to do stupid underground Christian stuff.

Right. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to say it's probably so Brett Varvel who plays Nate and Jake are, I believe Jake is a producer on the film. So I'm going to say it's at least a little bit of a self insert. Sure. Well, yeah, yeah. Almost certainly. Yeah, probably. Yeah. We should we should point out that Varvel is the guy who wrote and directed this. And I didn't realize how

close his name was to Brett Favre until I heard Jordan say it out loud. God every time that guy goes to the post office, he's just like, yeah, I know. It sounds a lot. I know. Like, I bet when he saw that he said that office, he's just like, yeah, I know. And it sounds a lot. I know. Like, I bet when he saw that he sent that dick pic, he was like, wow, it got worse. It got worse. The thing that was worst about my life got so much worse. At least before they liked him.

But yeah, but Jake explains to his wife that he has to do one last job and she's pretty pissed about it. Which like understandably, cause the movie frames it, the conversation that's taking place, you could sub in alcoholism, being out late with cocaine and strippers, but it's just Bible shit, which if you are risking your family and your life for that

is I would be so much more mad if my spouse was into that than anything else. Right, because like cocaine is addictive. Right, like I get that, right? Christianity is a hell of a drug for a lot of people. Yeah, that's true, that's true. But again, critically, Christianity is not illegal in this movie. We see a character go to a Christian church later

and worship Jesus Christ. So, okay, then a title card comes up and tells us that it is 14 days until the mission. And we're all just like, 14 fucking days! Yeah, every time I paused this movie, I was horrified at new at how much of this movie was left. Oh, yeah. And it's fucking, it's that stupid, we had to watch this on PureFlix and it's a stupid PureFlix player. So you can't just fast forward 15 seconds and it's, and nothing works on it and it kicks

you out of the goddamn thing. Sorry. So then it's 14 days. We see two guys, two cops, I guess, staking out Nate's place as the whole team meets together there to learn about the plan? You know what I've always hated about heist movies is when they do that go around in a circle thing and introduce everybody for the heist that those people have any marketable skills that might apply to the heist. What if they just went around and said their names and everyone sucked?

Yes! Right! They have so much trouble with it. It's the best. What if they just went around and said their names and everyone sucked? Yes. Right. They have so much trouble with it. It's the best. First, it's like Tyler and he's like, yeah, I'm Tyler. Call me Ty. I do truck stuff. I'm a truck driver.

Well, okay. All right. He is the only remotely relevant person though. Right. Because he's like, I drive a truck. Yeah. That's the most useful is you could drive a truck. Right. I drive a truck. Yeah, that's the most useful is you could drive a truck. Right, I actually should be doing all seven of these

just as part of my truck delivery thing. Yeah. But then one of them's a firefighter and one of them's a graphic designer and one of them's just a comic relief. When he said, I'm a graphic designer, you've probably seen my work. Pfft.

I laughed for an hour. For an hour. I just wanted him to keep, because he's trying to do, like, I think they might even be going for a comedy beat, but they just don't land it, because he spends like 40 minutes being like, I do Photoshop, but also who? Final Draft. Okay, fake mom. I have a SoundCloud, you might have heard of.

Yeah. Can we talk about the best character in the movie? Pete? Stupid Pete. Yes. JJ's gay lover? 100%. Pete's the fucking greatest. So Nate's like, all right, here's the plan to save the world for Christ.

Ooh, cookies! And Pete has a cookie, starts eating it, and they're like, all right, here's the plan to save the world for Christ. Oh cookies and Pete Starts eating it and they're like, all right, he's there they go around they introduce themselves and then Pete's like, I'm Pete I I like cookies. I was friends with JJ for a long time. So I'm just excited to be here cool. And that's his entire role. Yeah, look, it's the best as the Pete of the podcast I certainly sympathize with being the Pete of the heist group. But like the funny thing is about Pete is comic relief is like that will be the extent of him as comic relief. Right. Yep. Is we'll just be that one moment where he grabs a cookie. First of all,

why don't you put up cookies and people weren't supposed to have them? It's a very charcuterie based heist group. Can I say that right now? Yeah, they got a pepper farm sampler that they took out and put on a plate. It looks nice. But also, he doesn't do anything else funny for the rest of the movie. It's just that one cookie moment. And this is, of course, where they explain the whole stupid.

There are seven churches and we have to get all the Bibles to them in the same two hour window for no goddamn reason whatsoever. And we don't know exactly where we're meeting yet. We won't know until the apostle tells us right before. And then they add one more problem. They're like, also, we don't have any Bibles yet to do the mission because they all got burned in the barn.

Yes. So they have to like, find seven bibles somehow. Well, and of course, we all thought, well, oh, that must explain how there can still be an hour and 40 minutes of this stupid fucking movie left. But yeah, no, no, because the bibles that first off, all right, yeah, it's we'll get to the look into the Bible. We'll get to it. We'll get to it. Just pin in that for now. But yeah. So but then they're like, wait a minute, we've got to get to seven Bibles to seven churches, but there are only six of us. Who's our seventh guy? And they're like, Jim, the guy from the diner scene. And they're all like, wait a minute, the guy who got it, literal line from the firefighter guy, the guy who got his

wife killed. I'm like, wow, dude, you don't even know that. His backstory is going to complicate his motivations. I imagine. So everybody leaves the cops, watch them go like the stakeout cops, watch them go. And as they're leaving, they see that Pete drops an item and they're like oh weakest link that's obviously the comic relief get him. Okay this was the other amazing Pete moment. He had one more this is it they walk out of their secret meeting with their big Ocean's Eleven, assemble the team montage. Pete like throws his keys up in the air and immediately drops them and has to scrabble around as these cops are watching. I laughed for so long.

He might as well take out Nunchaku and hit himself in the balls. Okay, so it's even dumber than that because the thing he pulled out was the little coin that's like the way that they, it's got the symbol that they use to tell each other that they're part of the evil team or the Christian team or whatever. Oh yeah, okay, it wasn't the pieces of the coin. So he's holding up the I'm part of the secret fucking Christian team symbol as this takeout cops are watching him. By the way, with like the glee and admiration of just receiving a mail away, fucking oval

teen decoder ring. Yes, yes. Like a hundred percent, yeah. It's like examining it like uncut gems. Yes. What are you doing, dude? Unreal. So, okay, so then we immediately cut to him in the interrogation room where they've picked

him up and fucking Mark Week runs in here, Hazard comes in and he's like, look, we don't have time for a whole fucking scene here. Your mom's on the phone and I'm going to kill her if you don't tell me what I want to know he's like oh well that that hurries things And the actress just kind of like I Don't know how to play this moment on the comic relief Well, yeah, that's the other thing is that they take their comic relief, and we're like oh, okay Well like let's hope this guy's funny, and they're immediately like, we're gonna kill your mom.

And we're like, yeah, there's no funny way out of that. You should have, nah, he should have played it broad. He should have been like, not my mommy. What? Oh no. I came. If Pete was just committed to being the comedic cleave for the rest of the film, no matter what happens, he just starts shitting.

That's the scene. All right. Well, this whole plan and whole review has fallen apart even quicker than I expected. So we're going to pause to give the good guys a head start. We'll be back in a minute with even more disciples in the moonlight. Okay. So we have another ad up next. Yeah, actually we're really excited about this one.

Yeah. These guys are awesome. Okay. Everybody. I'm ready. Uh, Eli, what are you, what are you doing? I mean, he walks into the room like this a good 50% of the time. It's true. Yeah. No, no, no, no.

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investing for your futures today. Paid non-client endorsement compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns tier one compensation provided investing involves risk. Acorn advisors, LLC and SEC registered investment advisor view important disclosures at Acorns.com slash awful. Nice Noah. Thanks. So does that mean Eli just swallowed a bunch of raw acorns?

Mm-hmm. You want to go to the hospital? Yes, please. Okay everyone, if the guards come by, everyone stay perfectly quiet. Got it, got it. Yeah, of course. Right, move silently in the direction we're going. What?

No, I said perfectly quiet. Oh, I will. Well, no, not if you keep moving, you won't. What I'm saying is you should hold still. Okay, but like what if we're doing something? Do we just stop? Yeah, well, yes. You stop because doing things makes noise. What if we do the thing quietly? Well, you can't. That's not how vibration works. You just you hold still if the bad guys come. That is what will make you quiet. Fine. Sure. Okay. Got it. I think I heard something over here, Sarge. Okay, everyone. Limbo time! God damn it, man! You didn't say no limbo! I hurt myself! And we're back for

still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Nate over at Jim's Place trying to convince him one more time to come out of retirement. And Ashley, the thing that finally convinces him that Ashley says she'll do it, and he's like, God damn it, if Ashley does it, fine, I'll do it, I'll do it God damn it. If Ashley does it, fine, I'll do it.

I'll do it because I fucking hate Ashley. He doesn't agree to do it at this point. Right. Their entire relationship has just been Ashley being like, well, I think fuck Ashley, God. Yeah. Yeah, so that's what happens here. She's like, he's like, will you do it?

We need a seventh guy. He's like, no. And then Ashley comes in and she says, then I'll do it. And he says, no, you won't. And we're all like She's 32. What the fuck are you talking about? Although it doesn't matter. It's just handling books like yes find a guy on Fiverr to do it. It doesn't matter And so okay so now but it's the next day and the cops show up to arrest Jim

Because Nate is the worst Danny Ocean ever So we're gonna get the interrogation and we're gonna cut that back and forth with the team having a meeting at Nate's house Right, but now Pete isn't there. What happened to Pete? Yeah, like he was he was bringing so much to the table that Everybody oh gosh, can't believe we lost him Like he was bringing so much to the table that everybody, oh gosh, can't believe we lost him. God, I wish Pete was inappropriately reaching for a cookie right now. He really brought the group together

now that I think about it. Just wistfully staring at a picture of Pete reaching for a cookie. So we have to point out that what's happened here is that they've put together this elite team of Bible handers, right? And after one fucking day, one of the guys disappears. JJ, who is Pete's friend and has been since they were kids says, yeah, he hasn't been returning any of my texts or taking any of my calls. And they're just like, huh, weird. And they just move on. Yeah. I feel like

when you're a goddamn T like one of the guys on your team, disappears, you like look into that, but no. No. Yeah. They make a big deal about later somebody trying to drop out and it's like, but you didn't really care when Pete came for the charcuterie board and then didn't show up to the next meeting. Yes. Right. Yeah. So, okay. So back at the interrogation, they ask Jim about Nate and the apostle.

But Jim, he's been down this road before. He doesn't give anything up. Jim's a sovereign citizen. He's like, am I being detained? Yeah. And Hazard's like, fuck, technically not. Yeah, right. You got me. You do have the right to

travel on the land. Fuck. Well, and this is where we get my favorite of the best worst, right? This is where he pulls out his silly tablet hazard, pulls out his 3d iPad and he goes, all right, well, if you don't know what's going on with Nate and the apostle, why is your daughter at Nate's house right now? And he shows him her, but hologram, hologram, hologram, right?

Okay. Eli was was joking but this is when Jim is like she has free motion on the land she can go but yeah and then and then he's like all right well you're free to go and he's like really you just told me that you were on to this group you told me who the group was and now I can warn them and they can just not do the delivery and you're letting me go. And he's like, yep, I'm letting you go. He's like, wow, it's how unlikely. Hey, are you just like building tension for us? I don't understand. Why would you bring me in? Let me explain.

I'm counting on the fact that your group is stupid enough that even when you demonstrate to them that two of your members are compromised, they're still going to do the exact same. They're just going to keep going. Yes. Yeah. Why are you telling me that though? So then we get Jim, he goes down to his basement and we're all just like, get a sledgehammer Jim wants under your basement. But no, no, but no, he's just got his tragic backstory box in there. Yep. That needs to be a bingo square if it's not already. Is the right box of anguish and motivation that takes up the photo and he's like,

this is a photo of my wife. She's dead now. Yeah, right. Right. Me. I said to myself as I came. So then we cut to JJ. He's checking up on Pete, right? And I think this is going to be the weirdest moment where Pete is like, like they clearly still think of him as the comic relief, but it's entirely inappropriate now.

So Pete, we want some more of that great cookie grabbing comedy. You brought us in the first scene, but, but I can't get through it. You're afraid. You're afraid for you and your mother's life now. Maybe you're maybe you're doing like a net to your fingernails while you do it. OK, I did like that. They replaced Pete's comic relief with Cecil's Boston lady as Pete's mom yelling at him because he lives at his mom's house.

That's the thing, right? So they're having this conversation where basically where Pete is saying, hey, JJ, the cops are on to you. They warned me off. Pete, who's at the door? What? Who is it? They play that bit and he keeps turning and goes, is it channel three? I'm trying to have a dramatic scene with JJ. Will you shut up? Is it channel three for the VCR or not? Just tell me! I'm a compromised agent mom god!

That's the fucking scene they give us. Yeah, but then but JJ doesn't believe him that the cops are watching him Why wouldn't JJ believe him that the cops are watching him. Why wouldn't JJ believe him? That rules where he's like, hey, I've been compromised. Don't talk to me. And he's like, ah, pranks. Probably nothing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Apparently Homeland Security is watching everybody.

That's what Pete says. So they're probably watching right now. Like they're watching them meet. Like I was hoping that DHS was just doing it as a prank. Just like tricking Christians into setting up spy stuff and doing die rolls and just making a fun documentary of it. That's what we should do. No, again, you could-

Pulling to Jordan, if you will. You could have this exact same movie and make it a comedy by just having DHS agents doing dive rolls between bushes in the background. It would be hysterical, be a perfect comedy, and nobody has to change their acting beats at all. Got a fucking leg. So now the news is updating us on the train derailment, right? This is going to be really important later.

I love this graphic of the derailed train because they've added this CGI smoke to various parts of the train, but the smoke is all blowing in wildly different directions that makes no goddamn sense, giving how... The velocipastor might as well be streaming out of one of the windows of this train. So, but Nate and Karen are watching this stuff and then they hear the governor announced that they're treating the train development as a criminal case and they think that the Apostle was involved. So, okay, so Nate goes to take out his garbage. There's a note there from Jim tell him to meet him in the next scene.

So we go to the next scene and Jim is in, right? He starts it off. They go, they meet up. Jim goes, were you followed? And I'm like, Nate is incapable of knowing that information, man. What's the point of even asking? It pans over to hazard next to him. Yes. All right, let's the point of even asking? It pans over to Hazard next to him. Yes. All right.

Let's keep talking. Anyways, has are just watching with binoculars from the bush. Yeah, right, right. Yeah. Diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle,

diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle you know that? He goes, anti-quote, I was detained. He literally says detained. The use of language there is so telling because it just, it feels like he's a second away from being like, I was detained, but I told them that actually I'm not a non-incorporated

entity and Right. Spell by name and all lowercase letters. Yeah, exactly. So, but he goes, but I'm in now and I'm like, why would you be in now? The whole thing failed. The cops know already. Yeah. You fucking idiots. Jim also says I'm in, but we do it my way.

And I was like, what the fuck does that mean? Like what controversy are they having in their strategy of? Handing books that he's gonna do it his way. That's like different and better and they won't by the way They will do exactly the plan that Jake has already laid out. Yep, exactly So, okay. So now it's time to dramatically spread maps on a table together. This is this isn't just Nate and Jim They're gonna have another map spreading scene later. Okay. Hey, do they do anything silly, which is dumb spy stuff that has no use at all right now?

You mean when everyone gets some fucking sweet ass code name? That's what I was talking about. Yes. Okay, guys, we have to talk about the completely unhidden glee all the actors have in this scene, right? This is the Danny Ocean, he's gonna be here while I'm doing this, the montage scene, the flipping the coin, right? But all the actors are like,

hee hee hee hee, the entire scene. It is impossible to take even a moment of this scene seriously, because he's like and your name Fandango and everyone's like He goes at this point they're all like and if they stop you they'll track all your digital devices Just like they did in the diner and I'm writing in my notes. These characters weren't in the fucking diner But yeah, but we we learn at the end of this scene that

Ohio, the border to Ohio is protected by drones, right? It's so good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I continue. I, this scene, showing this scene to other people and having them watch it, I felt when I first saw this, I thought I had missed something. I thought I was hallucinating because they set it up as, okay, we know the border of Ohio,

that infamously terrible border state is patrolled by deadly drones. Yes. So what do they do? They go to the Ohio border and lo and behold there are drones there and then that's it. And the drones just shoot at them right they had no plan they're like you know there's there's drones that'll shoot at you in Ohio and the next scene is Nate and JJ going into Ohio going like fuck, there are drugs that shoot at us. Oh, why didn't we believe it? Yeah, there's drones. This was dumb. OK, and we should point out that and this is going to be a bit of a theme

for the rest of the movie. This movie does not have drone money, right? So there is no drone. There is no thing that we're seeing that is the drone. We see a light that's shining towards them here and there, and we see them running away from something in the woods. Get used to that shit. Yeah, they don't have drone money.

They have stand on this ladder and hold this flashlight money. Yeah, exactly. Pete might as well run through the scene with a propeller beanie on being like, hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

But the drone tells them to come out with their hands up. They're not in anything. They're just hiding behind a tree. Why wouldn't the drone just come around to the other side of the fucking tree? The drone, the drone, the Siri drone fucking rules so hard. The drones just like I can see you guys. You're embarrassing yourself. No, you can't.

You know what? I'm just going to shoot you. I'm just gonna shoot you I'm just gonna fucking shoot you please nope. I'm doing it So luckily they think of the old run right so the two of them split up They run in opposite directions the drone can't chase both of them or either of them apparently because they both get away They do it's so good because JJ at first is like, I'm going to be heroic.

I'm going to draw the drones away by running out, and then you'll be able to save yourself, Nate. And then they just run at the same time, so it doesn't matter at all. Yeah, you can almost hear JJ going, well, god damn it, Nate. You stupid fucking idiots. You said I was Red Viper. Call me Red Viper.

Also, now there are people with flashlights chasing them, I guess. Those guys come from who gives a shit. You guys broke our drone by running in two directions. You're going to get fined for that. They are on JJ's ass too. They're like 30 feet away and JJ just rolls up to Nate's car like, okay, yeah, let's chill. Let's go. Yeah. Right. And JJ just rolls up to Nate's car like, okay, yeah, let's chill, let's go. Yeah, right, yeah. Both of them get to the car, none the worst for where.

They just drive off together. And then JJ's like, hey man, I don't wanna do this anymore. I didn't know when we signed up for this that I was gonna get shot at by robots and chased through the woods and shit. So Nate has to get, he's like,'s like, and, and, you know, this revised Bible, it's fucking fine.

We don't read the Bible anyway. We're Christians. It's so funny because they're having a conversation with the dramatic stakes of let's not get our daughter from the Mexican cartel that has stolen her, but they're talking about a slightly milquetoast version of John 3.16. Yes! Well, no, what they're doing is they're having a conversation about JJ coming out to his brother.

Well, there's certainly a little of that. Oh my God. Right, because he's going like, because JJ is going like, hey man, this new Bible, I've checked it out and it's actually not too bad. In this Bible, you know, Jesus loves us no matter what. And he's like, well, but in my, in the real Bible though, Jesus hates you if you're like gay. And JJ's like, right, but in this one,

he loves you no matter what, brother. It's like, yeah, it's not, it's not that bad. You can, the new enlightened Bible, you can just suck a dick. It's fine. It's not like Jesus loves me the way I... It's so bizarrely pointed that I can't help but feel they ended up cutting something

that made him more explicitly gay. That's interesting because like they coded JJ and Pete as lovers, right? Like from the very first time we saw them, you assumed like, oh, okay. In any other fucking movie This would be a gay couple right? Oh absolutely Okay, so you know how?

Everyone in supernatural wants the brothers to fuck because those two actors are very clearly fucking that's what I did Right these two actors very clearly fuck and look they don't tell their wives about it like I get it I get it in a Christian movie. hide that shit but like like I know that these two actors fucked you know who else fucked Jim and his daughter we're gonna see that a little bit yeah yeah yeah we get a few different Folgers commercials different angles that really ultimately so but what I love about this scene more than anything is how meta it accidentally is. What they're saying is, you can't lie about what's in the Bible.

That's the worst sin that there is. And then he lies about what's in the Bible. Right? Because it's a very nice lie. He's like, the Bible is filled with hope and beauty and wonder. And I'm like, no, the fuck it isn't. So the way- Smoking lists.

Oh, the way that he- cause of course this Christian movie, it's about the ever present, like Christian nationalist persecution complex, where they'll be like, they will have to concede the point just a little bit, but they're still always the good guy. They're still always under fire. So what he says, I wrote it down exactly.

He says, the Bible is full of grace and kindness and love. And yes, God's judgment, by which he means like the rape and the dismemberment and the incest and the torture and all that shit. Yes. Yes. And it's like that, but that goes against the rest of the stuff that you're saying. Right. Yeah. How can it be filled with grace and love and kindness and rape, man? I mean, there's not, it's a, this is an or type of situation we've got here. All right. And so then a title card comes up and tells us that it's only seven days to the mission and we're all like seven fucking day. God damn it. And this is,

I love this part so much, right? Cause this is the, how will they sneak the Bible in montage? Oh my, this is so fucking, okay. I gotta admit I really didn't have a good time watching this movie, but this montage of him just being like book in the tire. Nope, book in the box. Nope, it's a book. If I can look in the thing and see a book, it's not him. Okay, they will do this montage for the next, I'm not kidding, what, 10, 11 minutes? They literally, they do it for a while. They land on golf bags finally. Somebody was like, there's like seven or eight different pockets in a golf bag. Yes, right, right.

A cop wouldn't be able to check more than six is my estimation. Well, and the way that they're, so the way that they're demonstrating this, they're all in the basement together and we're seeing days go by as they're all in the basement together and like three of the guys will bring down a tire and then we'll see either Nate or Jim look at the tire and find the Bible and go, no, see, I can find it. So the cops will find it. And then they- It's the book in there. Yes. Yes.

That was like two days of their lives. Yes. Looking at a tire being like, it's there. It's there in the tire. It will be a part of the exposition for the next, I'm not kidding, seven or eight scenes. They'll just be like, damn it, don't you know that if we're going to go across, sorry, one second, there's a book there. Anyways, don't you know, it's always where the book is. The thing they end up landing on, which I have to admit is better than all these options,

is not a book. Yes, right, right. Well, we'll get to admit is better than all these options, is not a book. Yes, right, right. Well, we'll get to the big reveal, Eli. Don't spoil it. Just yes. But yeah, but they, but they rule out, put it in the golf bag. They rule out, put it in the cooler. Well, that's not going to work either. I love the fact that after the golf bag, somebody was like, what about a cooler? And someone had to be like, why would a cooler work? Okay, cooler inside of a cooler. Nesting coolers? I'm sorry, this is so, this was definitely the most fun scene.

At one point they suggest hide it in plain sight. And I was like, what? What would that even mean? What is this? Like balance it on your head and walk past the drugs? What are you talking about? Book. Then we get this scene where Jake gets home and his

his smoking wife is leaving him because he's too dedicated to delivering Bibles. Reasonable decision. Yeah. I would say. Yeah. I'm on. Yeah. I'm on her side. So, but then we have, it's late that night, Jim picks up his jacket and as he does, he tears it and that gives him an idea.

So we join him post having told his idea to Nate. How badly did you want it to cut to the next scene? And he's just very clearly wearing a coat stuffed with Bible. What the fuck is going on? Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. And everybody's like, the book's right there. There's a lot of them. No, that's my coat.

Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. It'll be dumber than that, everybody. Oh, it's so fucking stupid. It's just a coat with a giant breast pocket with a huge Bible stick out a huge... Yeah, right. ...bomb sticking out. Right. The coat just, instead of it opening once, it's got different pages of different...

Let me see. It's bulletproof. But so, yeah. And then, this is Jim's Oscar moment, right? This is like Jim's big fucking monologue where he starts off by explaining to us that his father was a Bible translator back in the seventies and he says, quote, he'd spend hours just on one word. And I'm like, well, he was a very bad translator.

I wish I knew Greek. I wish I knew Greek. This is nonsense. I've been looking at the shape of the word, trying to sound what it sounds like. Doesn't sound like any words I know. These aren't even letters, god damn it. Icthos. That's gotta be a J, right, hon? So but yeah, but that leads ultimately into him talking about his dead wife, right?

And his dead wife, she could see the anti-bible in coming from a mile away, right? So she started collecting Bibles even before they outlawed it. And then, well, they just shot her is all right. There's just nothing to this fucking story. They get, they have this big rising string, slowly zooming in monologue. And he's like, and then they just came in and they shot her and I ran away.

That's it. That's how that went down. Yep. Yeah. Like the woman who the only crime was Bible, apparently. Yeah. The cops or the feds just gun her down. Yes. Yeah. Like, yeah. Damn. Because we know how much Christians hate it when they shoot innocent people. Yeah, no, I wrote in the notes, what do you want to bet the people who wrote about these innocent white people getting shot for Bible have some opinions about the black people killed by cops?

Yeah, right. Well, that phone looked like a gun. You see, when you combine the Skittles and the... I'm just saying she was no angel, you know, like, yeah, look in her history. She did, I mean, and this is, she did have the Bibles, you know. Us Christians also hate border security. We don't like that. Yeah, exactly.

Is what we had to say in the movie? Yep. So, but then he also explains to us that the last thing his wife said as she was dying was, remember. And look, you guys were expecting like a swing away Johnny moment too, right? That she was going to... Yes! We were going to get a sign sending? I just fucking thought about signs away Johnny moment too, right? That she was going to get a sign. Yeah, yeah, right.

Like this was setting something up or something. But no, it's literally nothing. Yeah, I thought they were setting up like people would have, I don't know, memorized the really important book that they love and that would solve the problem. And there you go. Yeah. Right. Just remember it. They make poor kids do that. I've seen videos of it.

It's terrifying. Just a montage of seven people learning like the memory palace technique. I don't understand. Why is there a tying object in the peg system? So meanwhile, Hazard is upset that the movie hasn't moved the fuck on yet. He's yelling at his African-American assistant. Right. He's like, Why haven't you arrested him yet? This movie's too long.

It is, though. Oh, he has his I am the law moment here. Oh, he he Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire is it too hard, though? Oh, yes. Too hard. Like you see the other actor look at the camera and be like, that was too much. Are we going to do another take on, really? Using that one. He spit on me.

You're clearly doing it like Stallone. Can you just ease it back? I was hoping he would start working in other movie quotes as a prank. Like that was funny. Just like, Rosebud. That didn't make any sense. Other Stallone quote, Adrian! Alright.

They do first blood. I didn't hear no bell. Bullet to the head. You guys see that word? Remember bullet to the head? No, no. So then we flash back to Jim and his wife doing like the thing He just told us about we just had this monologue and then we have him like dreaming about it

And so we watched the whole thing that we just heard him talk about and then he wakes up by sitting straight up because I can Fuck myself apparently. Yeah, you can So but then he checks his drawers until he finds his big Bible and then he goes down the stairs and he dramatically pulls the until he finds his big Bible and then he goes down the stairs and he dramatically pulls the cover off of his big stack of Bibles. Yes, the first half of the goddamn mission is just solved, done. And again, they John Wick this, right? Yes.

In any other action movie, this is where he pulls off and there's like the mini gun underneath. Yeah, right. Guns and he's like, I promised I'd no go back to that life and this is the one promise I'm gonna break. And it's just like Philippians. Yeah, big chief comes off and there's like, he's blowing off a dusty Atlas sized Bible. That's it.

Yes. Stupid. He's gonna wear his guns one more fucking time in the form of his big stack of Bibles. But also he just straps on like a fucking bandolier. Yes, we get the strapping on him. He's loaded in the pocket Bibles and then he's bulletproof for the rest of the movie. And it's just all Bibles all up and down. He just runs right at hazard. He's just shooting away. Can't get anything. Yeah, right. Just throwing Bibles crosshand at people as he runs. Like fucking ninja stars. Yeah.

I hate to Leviticus. See we can't help but make a better movie. So okay. So then we cut to one of them newfangled bullshit churches with their woke Bible, right? JJ is going to church and this is the one time where we actually crack open the enlightened truth Bible or whatever the hell they call it. And we hear them like reciting John 3 16 and like I've heard John 3 16 enough that I like, I know that this isn't it. But I couldn't like I didn't hear what the theological I mean,

I guess the theological differences is that in their version, Jesus loves you no matter what. Yeah, because they do the, and God so loved the world, he sent it, it's only begotten son. And you know, everyone else is fine too. And we're supposed to be like, I'm vomiting from their idea that anyone else could. And God so loved the world, he sent his only begotten son and whoever believed him, maybe have a dick sometimes. It's okay Right, I thought they were gonna land on something bad that were like bad to Christians. They never do it's just like they do not

Not really begotten son and be nice. I don't know. Oh End of scene really sharing is caring. I'm gonna shit myself right measure twice cut once How dare they so okay? But then JJ's headed to his car and he gets chloroformed and captured and I love this so fucking much because they say like they go Mr. Smith, and then he turns around and they chloroform him, but you don't want him to turn around if you're chloroforming him Why would you say his name you need him turned away. The guy has to turn him back away now. Wait, no. Flip back around.

It's so... It's like when you accidentally, like if you're ever playing Hitman or something and you accidentally fuck up and like knock over a pan as you're going to knock them out. You're like, well, I guess, alright, somebody's got to die. Sorry. It's fucking, it's X. Restart the missions around the cop chloroforms himself. Fuck. Alright. Somebody grab it and have. Restart the missions. He spins around the cop chloroforms himself. Fuck, alright.

Somebody grab it and have him turn around. We'll do it again. Also, it's just a tiny moment, but I do have to talk about it because it's one of the only moments of fight choreography we get in the film. When he's choreographing him, the extra accidentally actually covers JJ's mouth and nose,

and he has to grab his hand and be like, hey, you're actually smothering. Yeah, you can't do that. And then he starts to resist again. He's like, Hey, you're actually smothering. Yeah. You can't do that. Like that. And then he starts to resist again. He's like, Oh no, thank you. So okay. So then we cut to JJ.

He's in the basement now with the gang and he's got a big old bruise on his face. Right. And he's like, Hey guys, I'm sorry. He says the words. The stakes just got a lot higher because the fucking writer is just copying the step by step how to write a movie guide bullet points into the dialogue. I would also say a clock has been ticking a little bit since the last time we announced. Save the cat. We don't even have a cat in this movie.

Like we can't say shit just got real. How do we say? Yeah, right. Okay, but now he's back at the meeting. Like they cut straight from the arrest with the chloroform and now it's JJ at the meeting. So they like punched him in the face once and immediately let him go and that's it. Yeah. Well, we're going to find out later that he was actually turned during that time, but we don't know that yet.

So we're just skipping ahead for mystery purposes. And they give JJ so much shit for wanting out when he is literally the only person who's like actually had anything happen. Like he's been shot at by robots, he got punched in the face, he looks all fucked up. Got chloroform, that's not pleasant. And other people are like,

ugh, you didn't, you're just so ungrateful and you don't get what's at stake It's like my fucking face is at stake. What the hell are you talking about these soft graphic designers? He's making great points He's like who the fuck cares how people get seven Bibles they can go find their it this none of this matters Yes, and this is not what I signed up for getting shot and chloroform and whatever. And then fucking Jim has to jump in and be like, what did you sign up for? Yes. Right. Oh, sorry. Here comes the rising strings. Yeah. At this point, Jim has had more monologue than dialogue. Yes. I wanted it to just be like that Jim can't not monologue right? Like later in the movie they're like what do you want for lunch? Lunch.

At this point the violins in the movie are fucking sarcastic. Right? I'm just picturing Zimmer like doing the like come on please gesture to a bunch of violinists with their arms crossed and their chest. You can literally, the music in this movie does not chill out for one fucking second. And you can literally take almost any track. I did it in my video review on this stupid thing. You can take almost any track

and put it over a call of duty menu and it fits perfectly. So, but then his little monologue ends with everything and put it over a call of duty menu and it fits perfectly. So, but then his little monologue ends with everybody going around the room and saying, I'm in, but they were already in. Right. This would be like if they just stopped in the middle of the quest and got and said, like, you still have my ax. You know, we assume that until you say otherwise. And there's a full group of them here and they only do two I'm ins it's like I'm in yes Right to and then it's over

I wanted it to pan over to like the next person being like, oh, I thought we were doing like a circle with But they cut before any that I have a honey drop in my mouth cut before any of that. I have a honey drop in my mouth. So okay then we check in with Hazard's bad guy monitor room and one of the at the computer guys is looking at a picture of his family for humanization purposes. Pin that. Oh is it the guy with the beard and the slick back hair? Uh-huh. Yes. Okay, because I believe I was watching for him specifically for a reason. Not only that, he is the agent that takes the girl away in the diner scene at the beginning. Yes. And he's the agent in the car at the beginning outside of Jake's house watching.

Yes, just talking with his partner. Who took a leave of absence that was very long or something like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're setting something up with this character. I hope that this is a minor point. I should probably leave it out. But as they're watching, they're watching people walk by the street and somebody walks by and the computer says scanning retina scanning complete. And I just picture them going like, hey, can we mute this voice, guys?

This sucks at rush hour. This is like a real, why would we have that? But again, like stab at the future stuff. There's another car. Siri shut the fuck up. It's just, it's another boomerism of this movie where to them, it seems that technology and AI are basically inseparable from magical spells. Right.

They think it can kind of just do anything. Yeah. And it's, yeah, it's constant. Right. Well, I just did a retinal scan on a guy who was looking down the whole time. So that was pretty impressive. Yeah. So, but then, but as we're in this scene, JJ shows up in the evil bad guy room, because he's on the evil bad guy side now. And he tells hazard

everything he knows and he's like hey you're not gonna kill my brother are you and hazard is like no I'm not gonna kill your brother as long as up unless of course if any of the following stipulations are a problem yeah okay scene I'm pulling on my end of the standee. OK, my favorite part of the scene is when JJ says, we go dark tomorrow. No phones, no Internet, no GPS. We're off the grid. So very clearly, just like phrases that this writer heard were like spy like phrases.

But none of that matter. They're being physically watched with drones and cops right they're not like like doesn't matter if you turn oh you used an in-private window on your browser that time there's nothing while I was watching you yeah right that's just the thing is the fact that they don't have phones just inconveniences them from this point on yeah but, they also established that JJ is getting paid for selling them out so that we don't have to feel bad if he dies later, I guess.

And then we cut to Jim, we have a scene where Jim is talking to his daughter about how proud mom would be of them for- Okay, this is the scene that is weirdly a sexual right yes oh yeah absolutely this is this is the full just those these actors fucked that night evening and you know what it is they had already sort of done the like and we're gonna to fuck tonight conversation. And they were super excited about it.

And they were like, oh, hey guys, we have to do a couple of pickups. We didn't do the kitchen scene. And they were like, oh, um, we were going to head back to the hotel and grab some dinner. And they were like, oh, okay, well, can we shoot the scene? And they were like, uh-huh. Well, so, so that is the nice way of interpreting it. The terrifying way of interpreting it is that this is this entire movie is bullshit Christian dad porn and your daughter wanting to fuck you as part of

that for them. Right. So this whole fucking scene is her going like, I don't blame you for anything that ever that you did wrong. And I was the one that was wrong in all of our arguments ever dad right that's the dialogue they're having too right so I think it's already Christian dad porn and she was just like all right so porn it up yeah and to do the Christian dad porn they have to throw God under the bus for a second here it was like no I don't blame you anymore I was I was

actually just mad at God and then I I thought they were going to be like, all right, should we talk about the problem of evil? Cause a lot of people got there. And scene. No, scene. All right, so now it's the day of the mission. Oh, oh, wait, before you go there, there's one line I love so much from that scene

where he wistfully looks at his daughter and says, you're so much like your mother. And the only things that that could possibly be is that she exists with no agency of her own and has no character qualities. That's about right. And he's sexually attracted to her. Yeah, exactly.

You exist only in relation to me. Yeah, right. You both fail the Bechdel test every time you talk about it. All right, so now it's the day of the mission and Jake has to make things right with his wife. So he shows up and he's like, this will be my last job. And she's like, no, I that's not enough. But while he's there making right with his wife, Austin, his son, sneaks out to stow away in dad's truck.

Yeah. Which again, tonally is a real moment, right? Yeah. For everyone has been like, I might not see you again, but this is our last chance. And meanwhile, Austin's being followed by like a bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Might as well be hiding in his dad's truck in a cardboard box

So then and we have a scene where Nate is leaving but his wife has a bunch of doubts What she's gonna talk about loudly in their front yard in case anybody's watching right and and they say we've gone through Every possible scenario we've considered everything and it's like Yeah, have you though? Yeah. Have you really? Not all the possible scenarios. We consider the possibility that like three of your people have been inducted and they were completely on to you.

Yeah, right, right. Like for a second. Yeah, right, yeah, exactly. Even though you've been told that. I really wanted a flash montage of them like conceiving of the scenario where everyone wears a fish costume and refuses to speak English. We said we'd do all of them like conceiving of the scenario where everyone wears a fish costume and refuses to speak English. We said we'd do all of them. What about hot dog fingers?

But same thing otherwise. There's also the strings rise dramatically or whatever here as well. And he's supposed to like deliver this amazing line to settle her heart or whatever he says. And this is the line they land on. He says, because this baby, this is you and me. And that's the end of the fucking scene. That is the end of it. So bad. Okay. So now it's 8 30 PM. Everybody's gathering in the basement one last time that

fucking the clock that comes up and tells us is eight is eight 30. It gives us the seconds in case we were curious. It ticks. It literally ticks. Yeah, right. They just throw a ticking clock on the goddamn screen. Do you think as they were putting those in the movie, like the director was just like, huh, I missed 24.

Yes. Yes, I do. So yeah, but they tell him here that they've got to meet their contacts between 10 PM and midnight. And midnight and then Jim tells everybody where everyone is going Now up until this part of the movie they've been compartmentalizing all of their knowledge so that JJ couldn't like reveal everything quite yet to Hazard for you know dramatic purposes, but now they completely give up on that. They're like, okay So here's a bunch of information. You don't need JJ Here's where everybody is

Yeah And I thought the reason that they didn't know where they were going yet was because the Apostle was gonna tell them This is something that Jim the guy they inducted to the plan later Just had rocking around inside his skull apparently well No, Nate says I've been briefed by the Apostle some point, but it's just, I guess that happened off screen. There was, you know, only two hours and four minutes of runtime. So many looks, knowing looks to fit in. Okay.

I did enjoy that they have the physical maps out on the table of like the states where they're going, where they're going to drive or whatever. And Jim also brought little props to make it clear what he was doing. Yes. Uh huh. He's used like chess pieces at one point earlier. This time though, because they're going to be driving mostly, he has little matchbox cars that he like puts them down. But he also got one battleship game piece.

Yeah. Because there's one boat squad that's going to do boats. So like they wouldn't be visually confused by it. Oh my God. That is why he oh, that's gonna do boats so like they wouldn't be visually confused by it. Oh my god that is why he oh that's amazing. Holy shit. So at some point she was like hold on I take my car up the Ohio River this doesn't make... okay just give me a second. Well I want that zebra because it clearly he started off just using Chessmen and they got confused and he's like, we have less than 32 fucking things to stake out. Why would I use other than chessmen?

He's like, no, no, cause that's not a car. I can't do it if I can only go two up and then one over. I want to see them like testing out like other types of board game pieces, like Monopoly pieces. Like, well, okay, well we lost the thimble. It's like, well, I want the dog. No, I want the dog. Well, neither of you can have the dog.

If only one of us played Terraforming Mars. Yeah, so. My code name is thimble. It's like, well, I want the dog. No, I want the dog. Well, neither of you can have the dog. If only one of us played Terraforming Mars. Yeah. So, but... My codename is thimble. So yeah, but then Ty says, Ty, we haven't even mentioned Ty, one of the movies too, African-American characters, because he has no fucking function in the movie whatsoever. But he's like, hey guys, should we do a big prayer with maybe some like rising strings behind it? And he's like, yeah, no, we should, we should do that. Nate's like, dibs, I'm the main character. I get to do the prayer. All right. Well, the dramatic strings need a break after all of this. So we're going to pause there, but first let me give actually the hard sell. Will the movie accidentally think we give a shit

about Ashley and the fucking firefighter guys romantic relationship? Will the movie accidentally think we give a shit about Ashley and the fucking firefighter guy's romantic relationship? Will the truck driver's trip be entirely uneventful? Will the movie overstay its welcome by more than half its runtime? Find out the answers to these questions are yes when we return for the perpetually postponed conclusion of Disciples in the Moonlight. He's got a giant Optimus Prime action figure to represent the truck driver. Dude, nothing, right?

Hey guys, you ready to record yet? You were almost done, right? Yeah, one second. I'm just sniffing Heath. Damn it, Eli. I told you he's always hidden the cookies in the same place. Okay, first of all, not in front of our guest. And second of all, no, I'm checking out Heath's Mando.

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S-H-O-P-M-A-N-D-O.com. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. Smell fresher, stay drier, and boost your confidence from head to toe with Mando. All right. Everybody ready to go? Yeah, let's do it. Oh, Jordan, if he told you he was hiding at Cook's... I will call the police.

Fair enough. Fair enough. All right, agents, welcome to Homeland Security. These days, we have one main mission, chasing down and destroying the original Bible. Sorry, the original Bible. Sorry, the original Bible? That's right. The terrorists will stop at nothing to save their hateful book, and we've got to stop them cold.

No, sorry, I'm just confused. When you mean the original Bible, like the dead sea scrolls? Those are fake! Eli, they're not fake. Get out of the sketch. Fake. No, they're not. Anyway, no, no, I mean the original Bible. Oh, like the old Torah? No, no, the Bible. So like, discarded pieces of card with a little bit of Greek on them? No, the fucking the King James Bible!

That's like, that's the Bible 3.0 basically. And that's just if you're counting English. No, no, it's the perfect Bible. It's the word of God and it's the one we're looking for. All right. Well, I'll keep an eye out. Thank you. That guy from the Bible Museum had his pieces tested and they were fake.

Not everything there are fake versions of is fake. Totally fake. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with a montage of everybody delivering their Bibles, but like, yeah, but like, adventurely. We've got, you know, there's different combinations of characters. We haven't named most of these characters because most of the characters don't serve any function whatsoever. So get ready for us to introduce you to some folks. So, but then we cut to Jake. He's realizing that his kid has stowed away in his car. So the thing about this is that we've established that Jake's wife is a stay at home mom. So it would require her not knowing where her kid was and not checking on him for hours and hours.

Hours. Yeah. Mm hmm. While her shows are on. Well, and, well, there's that. So, but Jake, he realizes that the kid's there and he's like, hmm, well, I could either keep taking my kid along on what we've established Repeatedly is a potentially deadly mission where like robots will shoot at Adam and shit Or I could not deliver this one single No, my kids not as important as my kid dies my kid dies, right? And keep in mind that the rest of the movie will frame Jake is this selfless hero?

Yes sacrifices himself for anything But like the only reason his kid is in danger in the first place is because in this moment when he could just turn around with his kid and drop him back home, he's like, I mean, St. Episcopalian really needs their copy of Philippians. So yeah, come on. And there's like a two hour window. It's a hard cut.

Yeah. It turns into a pumpkin. The Bible does it. Yeah. And then I can. It turns into a pumpkin. The Bible does it. Yeah. And then I can do. They'll never have another opportunity to get one. No, right. Yeah. But so it was, and then we cut over to Austin's, Austin is the son. We cut to cut over to mom being very worried as though the movie is saying, see Jordan,

we thought of that. We thought of that. She's very worried. She's worried the whole time. She put her after her stories were done. And then we hear. It's very worried. She's worried the whole time. After her stories were done. And then we hear. It's a two parter SVU episode, Jordan. So we hear the truck driver guy. We cut over to the truck driver guy and he's hearing the cops being warned about him.

The cops now have all of their descriptions and their names and everything. Right. Apparently they've also deployed canine units that can smell Bible smile. Bibles. Yep. Bible smell. Also, it's just at this point now for the next, I'm going to say 10 to 15 minutes of the movie, the disciples in the moonlight will escape the checkpoints through sillier and sillier coincidences. Yes. Right? They might as well like fucking duck just at the moment as the cops look.

Oh, this car didn't have anybody in it. Yeah. Might as well pop their heads out one door while Scooby Doo and Shaggy pop their heads out of the other. Yeah. See, Pete would have been perfect for these scenes. Just picture Pete like dropping his quarter and ducking below a bush as a cop is walking by. So, and then we cut to Nate's wife at home.

She's praying as hard as she can. And that's what the movie is going to basically imply is that the reason that they're able to get through all these checkpoints is because God is on their side, right? So he keeps making them drop their quarter at just the right moment and whatnot, because all this great praying she's doing. Okay, so now- Can I say, even for God,

these ways are mysterious as fuck. Aren't they? Hey, maybe don't have the election win for the atheist fascists. That'd be great, maybe? No. God could have done that. It's part of the plan, mysterious ways.

So, okay, now we cut to the Ohio-Indiana border where Jim is going to have to duck and dive, roll his way past the goddamn drone. Hell yeah, he will. So we watch a grown man run around ducking from a guy on a ladder with a flashlight. And then we cut to Ashley and the firefighter, they're walking through the woods and they've been spotted. They better run now, I guess. So really quick, and Eli noted this, that at a point in the chase scene with Jim, he falls down and it looks like a very real fall. And I think it was because for the rest of

the movie, he has a limp. Really? 100% 100% Jim what well first of all let's be clear what happened he hurt his back fucking his daughter last night right they she was capable of some bendy-ness that he was not prepared for and he came into set the next day and they were like you ready to shoot the big chase and he was like I need you to show me falling down. I need you to show me falling down Also, she's not Christian she can't be in the rest of the movie. I'm not gonna say how I know

And she can't be in the rest of them also I can't be in the rest of the movie also I'm not anymore either. Did you know there's a male G-spot? You know what I'll talk to you about it. Yes, Marty So now so but then I guess they run through the woods. They realize- I called poison control. That- She- Has anyone seen my matchbox scars? So, okay.

So, but, but Ashley and, and the firefighter, who we haven't even mentioned because he said nobody asked character, Ashley and the firefighter, they're the ones that were supposed to take the boat as designated by the battleship toy, but the cops have found their boat. I wanted them to have a battleship so bad instead of their little canoe. But yeah, but the cops found their boat so they can't take that anymore. They'll have to find a different way into Kentucky. Very tense.

And the way the cops approach the boat, it's just like the cops at the beginning with the car where they look like they've never seen a boat before. Right, right. They're ready to shoot it in case the boat attacks them. Yeah, like they're really, props to them I guess. They're investigating the shit out of that boat. Can we get the canine unit in here to sniff the water?

I think it's a boat. I'm not sure. Yeah, so, but then Nate and JJ come across a roadblock and they get through the roadblock by going through it, right? Their car might as well have a newspaper in front of it. It's so stupid. Just whistling, wearing a giant Groucho Marx glasses. Yeah, just like giant Chevron car glasses with a big nose and a mustache.

Yeah, right, right. Oh, and then also Ty, the truck driver character, he's also been pulled over. They're searching all trucks. And I love that they're searching all the cars the way that the car went and all the trucks the way the truck went, it's so dumb. Do you think they were just, originally, they were just gonna pull over Ty

and the actor for Ty was like, I mean, not just me, right? And the variables were like, yeah, why? Like, why, what's the problem? And Ty's just like, I mean, come on. I'm the black guy, guys. Come on. You're going to have the cops pull over just me? And they're like, oh, yeah, you know what?

That actually works better for our thing. Right. Why did they make Ty drive a giant semi truck to deliver one Bible year? Well, that's his superpower He's his power is truck. He's a truck driver. They didn't put the firefighter guy on a fire truck though. So, okay, so According to the movie though. He can't drive a car, but he can't drive normal car He's an expert truck driver truck driving. Yeah, they cut it from the movie But they ask him and he says no and also the Bible that the firefighter hands out isn't on fire. Oh, okay.

Interesting. So yeah. And then we get Ty, we cut it back to Ty's roadblock. And the way he's going to get it through his is that the guy behind him is going to yell, hurry up to the cops. And because the cops are only aware of the last thing that made a noise in this movie, they're all going to run to that truck and just let him go. Yeah, I wanted them to beep the keys on a car, on a different car again.

Like they might as well put fucking question marks over their head. Like they just turn, they hear one thing. Right that are getting less and less red as he like calms down. Or Thelma. The mouse runs by. They'll slap him in the face. Yeah. And then so OK, so then we cut to the firefighter.

He they've waved down a van and now they've talked this fan into taking him and Ashley to Kentucky. Right. Very important there. And then because we have to have something dramatic for Ashley to Kentucky. Right. Very important there. And then we, because we have to have something dramatic for everybody to do. We cut to Jim getting gas, but will they, but hid, there's a thing on the TV showing that he's wanted. So will he be able to get the gas before anybody realizes that's him? And a cop walks in.

Yeah. Cop walks in right then. And gets so many doughnuts off the display. It was awesome. You got an appropriate number of doughnuts, man. I don't think we have to... I thought it was a great pick. No, it was a lot.

Okay. Good pick. And then he's going to sit at the counter talking to the guy about the doughnuts for eight minutes or so to add increased tension. Also, I want to point out again, this movie was made like last year, right? This movie came out last year. Why is he going in to pay for his gas? Right? Why is he paying for gas in 1993 then? Yeah. If this is a modern movie set in the future, right? Anyway, so eventually though, the lady at the gas station realizes

that she just saw the terrorist from TV. And again, look, podcast listener, we are kind of rushing through this because this movie is 97 hours long and when we started recording this podcast, it was Jordan's 18th birthday. But I cannot tell you how long we spend in this gas station with this woman going, no, wait a second. That man looked like so long that we all assumed. Oh, she's

helping him out. She must be a Christian who doesn't want to. And but no, but then eventually she's like, oh wait, they have the same face. That'll be why. Yeah. I wrote hubbaa-wah like 11 times in my notes. Because I keep thinking we're having the hub-a-wah moment and it's never the hub-a-wah moment. Yeah. It was like she kept saying hub-a-wah. I said hub-a-wah again. Are you not going to look out at that guy? And nobody was listening.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Hub-a-wah. And so, but then we cut over to Jake and now the cops are following him too. And he's like, Oh, it looks like I'm going to have to run from the cops. Sit back kid. And I'm like, not put on a seatbelt even just okay. But he, he runs from the cops.

And again, this is like, and this might as well be a bingo square too, right? The chase scene, but we couldn't afford a chase scene. Yeah. The like, I know I've got a tail, so I'll take some weird turns and get ahead by a little bit and then pull in and turn the lights off. Yeah. Because they heard about that. Is a spy thing. And they wrote it. Yeah. Mm-hmm. So, okay. So then we cut back over to the firefighter and Ashley. They're in the van that's picked him up and they're doing a real bad job of lying to the

guy about who they are. Right. He's like, so, Hey, why were the two of you in the woods in the middle of the night dressed all in black? Did you just think of the word hitchhike? Cause that's what we're doing. And then lie and say, hike, pitch, no hike Shit. But then he's like, Hey, have you heard about all of them Christians that are going around smuggling Bibles in the middle of the night dressed all in black? And they're like, no, we haven't. I bet you haven't either. You know, that number one story in the country right now, a bunch of fucking Christians in Ohio are yes, on the loose.

Apparently, every gas station in Ohio are on the loose apparently. Every gas station in Ohio is playing this story on a loop. Let me tell you. Cuts to somebody running into a bar, turn on the news. What channel? Any channel. It doesn't matter. Yeah.

So yeah. And then we cut back to the gas station where finally the lady's like, oh fuck, it's him. He's the bad guy. He's the guy on the TV. I fucking said, how about why did we get paid to make this movie two hours for some reason? Right. Yeah. They really feels like there was a fucking word count we were trying to get here or something. Yeah. And now, okay. So now the, the van that's carrying Ashley and the firefighter, that hits a roadblock. But the guy who's driving the van pretends

they had just crossed state lines for an abortion and the secular government loves abortion. Yes, yes, an abortion, good, good. That's exactly how they fucking play. Killing the unborn. No, fellas, they're just killing a baby. Let them through the roadblock. They're killing a baby.

Like, really good decision to kill babies. You guys can use the HOV line next time. I don't know if you... We'll count the dead baby. We'll count the dead baby as one. You gotta use the regular lane on the way back though. Hahaha. She got the extra Adrenochrome package.

My wife did that. It was really nice. They set her up. They have to give you the adrenochrome package. My wife did that. She got the adrenochrome package. It was really nice. They set her up. They have to give you the adrenochrome. They'll seal it in carbonite for you now at the machine. You can get a stretched fetus at that machine. They're harder to crank than you'd think. So okay. Did you do the colostrum scrub? Yeah, we did the colostrum scrub?

Yeah, we did the colostrum scrub. Yep, yep, yep. Also, we have, we should point out that, so that obviously works. It gets them through the, the checkpoint and like every other character in this movie, when they get through a checkpoint, they have a, wow, I can't believe that worked face way before the cops are done looking at them. So, so Jake now he pulls over, he's going to wander over and deliver his Bible. He tells this kid, he's like, hey, wait in the car. And

he gets out of the car and immediately the kid doesn't wait in the car. Right? What would make you think this kid that stowed away with you on this life or death mission, when you clearly are his role model and don't listen to anything anybody else fucking says, what makes you think he's going to listen to the one important thing you say? That's a great point. Yeah. He hasn't done it at any other point in this film.

So, okay. So the guy drops Ashley in the firefighter office. He says, I was a Christian the whole time I was on your side. They're like, no, no, no, we get it. Oh, why wouldn't you tell us that we were afraid for our lives? I just thought it'd be fun for me to do a little dramatic tension. Dramatic tension for dramatic tension. You know.

So. It's a good thing you didn't murder me when I brought up the escaped Christians on the off-chance. I actually, honestly, I endangered all of us quite a bit. Ha ha ha ha. So, okay, but they get to their drop point, which is at a theater in Kentucky. Why a theater in Kentucky?

Because that's creepy, I guess. Or that's what they had access to. Right. But they go in and we can hear the like, let's all go to the lobby song playing. And so I wrote my notes. Well, they got there before the main feature started, which is nice. All right. Still a lot of previews to get through. And then their story is intercut with all the other ones. But they're in like a horror movie for

the next 10 minutes. Yeah, more pop scares. Yep. Yeah, though they're walking through a fucking haunted theater for no goddamn reason. And they meet an old man who like appears as though he may legitimately be a ghost. Yes. Right. And the movie is like, is this guy a ghost?

This theater hasn't existed for 30 years. Yeah. I'm going to go with that. Say the code word or whatever. Well, and that's the stupidest fucking thing, right? Because they've set up this whole thing of everybody having a code word and they're all the seven churches from Revelation or whatever. And they keep talking about that or whatever.

But the code word like the other guy doesn't have a response. So they keep coming in there like code word Philadelphia and the guy will go, Oh, okay. Yeah, no, we're, we're good. Uh huh. Sure. He's like, but what about you telling me? He's like, no, I'm actually a bad guy. No, I did it. I did it. Now you do yours. No, I thought I did mine. Whoa. You don't know the code word. No, I do. I do. All right. Great. We both did it. Is your code word Fandango? Cause we're in the theater. That's pretty cool.

It's fun. So, okay. So then Nate and JJ get to their drop point, right? Oh God. Yeah. And as they do, a car is approaching and JJ is like, I need to tell you something, Nate. And he's like, well, there's a car approaching. You think that's our guy? He's like, no, it's a bunch of narcs. I've been narking out on you. Run. He's like you're bad at everything and so they run you changed your mind now You don't get credit for being the hero now. It's too late, man. Yeah, no credit Well, and just in case they're gonna live through this as the cops pull up

JJ pulls out a gun and just fires wildly into the crowd of oncoming feds like Joe. You're going to have to kill me, you motherfuckers. Yeah, I'm not. You won't take me alive. You won't take either of us alive. It is the most out of character thing for like as little character as J.J. has throughout the film. The idea that he's going to be the one to just have a piece and

unload on a bunch of cops is so far out of left field. When I was sitting in the theater watching this, this was one of the points that I laughed at. I was like, what? Yeah, right. This guy? Did I miss that? Why wouldn't you set that up with literally anything he's ever done? So, okay. So now we're going to get more running through the woods in the dark, which is again, like 30% of this fucking movie. 30% of it is running through the woods. 40% of it is knowing looks. The rest of it is monologues

from gym. So, but they're running through the woods and JJ is like, let's hide in this caboose. This just weird caboose in the park. Hey, there's, there's a caboose with a flashy hologram spinning around above it. Should we jump? Is it literally the only place we could possibly be hiding in this entire area and yeah, so why would you do that? Why wouldn't you just keep running you're ahead of them? But yeah, so but they hide in the caboose and immediately the cops are like well, you're in the fucking caboose We're sure you're surrounded now. And like, yeah, yeah. The drone flies by.

We know where you are, man. Fucking shit. I hate that drone. Right, and Nate is suddenly mad at JJ for bringing a gun. And I'm like, you're mad about the wrong shit, man. He was paid to sell you out. And then decided to turn back and try and kill the people. Escalate into violence, yeah.

Yes, right. After bringing the cops here, he shot at them, man. Yeah, you're doing this wrong. So then we cut back to Jake. He's meeting his contact in a park, but his contact sold him out and the cops are there to get him too. So as they're arresting him, his kid runs out of the bushes, right? Because he wouldn't stay in the car.

And the guy's like, wait, wait, don't shoot my kid. And they're like, we weren't going to shoot your fucking kid, man. We're going to shoot. Please, please don't endanger my son. Please don't do the thing that I did by bringing him here and then leaving him alone in a motor vehicle. I had no way to imagine that he would be in danger. Please. What I thought was going to happen that he would be in danger. Please.

What I thought was gonna happen here, I thought it was gonna be a crash moment where the kid comes out just as the cop fights. And finger bangs his dad. Yep, that's exactly the moment I was thinking of. No. And just as the gun goes off, and it turns out it's a miracle

that God actually is protecting them, and he's able to somehow get the Bible, but that's not at all what happens. No, no. Instead they're like, no man, we're not going to kill your fucking kid. And he's like, good son, take my coat. And he's like, and everyone's like, why?

He's like, cause you're cold. I don't want him to get cold. Take my- I just don't want him to be chilly. Cold, cold. Also my socks, one second. Cause his feet will get cold. I double nodded it. Hold on. Right. But now it's time for looking at a picture of his family guy at the bad guy base to come back. Well, so yeah, first we get Ashley and the firefighter at the cabin. So apparently their contacts are

selling them out too now. Well, every church is knocking on them because yes, the books don't matter because it doesn't matter at all I actually think that maybe those aren't their contacts that okay Here's what what I and I don't want to heat this. I do not want to heat this. I'm not a verb What I interpret it not a verb What I interpreted happening. Unless it's a good verb. I feel like it's stupid though. It sounds like it's going to be stupid.

My verb. Was that they just happened upon an old man and then the old man was like, I'm totally going to turn these two in. Yes. And that their real contact is the lady outside the window. No, that you're correct Eli. I'm just trying to speed things up because this has been a really long review. But yeah, but now they're like all tied up and they're in danger as well.

That was an excellent analysis Eli. I would say that was heathening it. Thank you! That's how I mentioned the whole time. Yeah, slowing things down when Noah was trying to get in under time. Like this right now. No, that's an Eli. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, right, right, no.

So, but they're like, we're gonna turn you into the police, but first you're gonna help us find the other, your contact, your real contact, so that we can turn them into, so there sure is a lot of tension now. Well, and this scene is done with the framing as though they are a cannibal couple that is going to kill them and eat them.

Right. Like they are still- Right, because they're still in a horror movie. Yeah, it is so bizarre. They've had the most fucked up run. At some point, I'm surprised they don't just throw up their hands and be like, what the fuck now? Yeah, right, right.

So then we cut back to Jake. Right, so he's giving the kid his coat. The kid's wandering off. Nobody even checks the fucking pockets in the coat, right? Nope. So they're like, yeah, it's completely normal that you'd give him that. You give your kid your coat, all right, I'll see ya.

But now, but this is Eli, where the guy who was looking at the picture of his kids comes back. But again, it's just his escalation, so he's gonna shoot him in the head. His escalation comes so out of nowhere, right? Because he gets caught, right? We're like, ah, the dad got caught. Unfortunately, the kid heads off. And then as though this extra decided to improvise this on the spot to get more money is just like you killed my wife, you son of a bitch, and then shoots him in there. The kid is two feet away.

I laughed for so long. Right, so what's going on here is that the train that derailed at the beginning of the movie, the cops blamed that on Christian terrorists and now they've tried to tie the disciples, the guys that are delivering these Bibles, to that terrorist attack. So this guy's like, you guys derailed the train that killed my wife and my kids and

now I'm going to shoot you in the head. And instead of saying like, Hey man, I had nothing to do with that train derailment. I don't even know what that was. He just speaks in vague platitudes about how he loves Jesus. And then the guy shoots him in the head. Well, it's so funny as he responds to only the last sentence, right? Because the guy does a whole lot of, do you kill people?

Did you murder my family? Are you a disciple of Christ? And he's like, yes, I am a disciple of Christ. Bam! Yeah. Oh, shit, I should have... I should have asked one at a time. The murdering question.

This is supposed to be like in the Bible, where you don't deny Jesus, you don't deny your thing, right? Right, yeah. He dies for a lie there though, that's kind of funny. Oh, interesting, yeah. And the cop shoots him and he's like, oh, fuck, I shouldn't have done that. Like clearly, he's like right away, he's like, oh, whoops, that's going to be paperwork. So okay, meanwhile, back at the caboose, Nate is now mad at JJ for selling them out, mostly because

he's not very Christian. So the cops who could, like, again, this is like a caboose in a park kind of a thing, right? Like they could have just opened the door. It doesn't lock. There's not barricaded or anything, but the cops are like, let's smoke them out. So they throw a smoke bomb through the window and then JJ and Nate barrel out. JJ still got his gun, so the cops shoot him.

JJ dies, and then the movie is very unclear about Nate's fate for the moment. I think they decided Nate died, and then later they were like, I don't want Nate to have died. No, because it literally goes back and forth. It's like a parody of anybody dying in a movie where he like looks like he just breathed his last and then he moves a little. And he's like, yep, yep. And then his eyes closed.

And he does that for like minutes. Then he opens them back up again. Yeah. And well, and they do, they do that. And then they do that with the script as well for the remainder of the film. Yeah. Uh-huh. So, okay. So, but then Hazard gets a call. It's time for him to be in another scene.

And so then we cut over to this old folks home where Jim was going. He was walking into the last time we saw him. This is where we get Heath's best worst. This is where that cop is like standing outside the old folks home, like directing all the other cops and going, he just went in the, went inside there into the, uh, newborn snow. So yeah, but apparently Jim's mom lives at this old folks home. So he's visiting his mom. Okay. If the mom had sold him out, I would have been like,

so good. So, so she's like, she's like, the mom had sold him out, I would have been like, this is so good. So, so she's like, she's like, the mom is like, well, so how's your daughter Ashley is like, uh, fucking hot. I mean, getting tied up in a different scene. So then we cut back to Ashley and the firefighter comes in and he's like, I overpowered the other bad guy off camera. And the, the chick is like, why wouldn't we see that? He's like, right. There's so little action in this movie.

Why wouldn't you see that? But then they get they free Ashley and they and they go to the real church they were supposed to be going to the whole time. And just a brand new character makes that happen, right? Just a random lady comes in with a shovel and hits one of the two bad guys there and the other one was already incapacitated off camera, so they're good to go. Yeah, because it was supposed to be their contact that they were supposed to meet. Oh, right. Yes, the daughter of the pastor of the other church.

Old man just guessed right on Philadelphia or just went with it or whatever. Yeah. Okay. Or the contact they were supposed to meet saw them meeting the wrong person and was like, you know what? I'll just hit someone with a shovel at an opportune moment. I don't want to hit a rub. Right.

Yes. Uh huh. So, okay. So then Ty gets to his drop point with only seconds to spare and he just meets his contact and gives them the Bible. Ty's the only one who has the like not oceans 11 ending where he's just like here, here's that book you want. And they're like, great.

Thank you. Yep. Yes. That's it. That was it. And again, he says the password and they're like, they just nod and he's like, oh, okay. Well, that's probably why Ashley and the firefighter got all fucked up then, huh? For this, this one sided password chip.

But of course he doesn't hand them a Bible. He hands them his jacket. Right? So, okay. So, now we cut to an ambulance. Nate's in the ambulance. He did survive. Maybe.

Right? And the guy that's in the ambulance with him is the sidekick, the African-American sidekick character that Hazard has been yelling at through the whole movie. Right? Right. Turns out he's a secret Christian and is actually on the Christian side. Yeah. So this montage that we're about to enter is the Ocean's Eleven montage, right?

It was part of the plan all along, but unlike the grounded world of Ocean's Eleven where the plots are tight and the twists make sense. There are just random fuck- I mean, imagine what this plan must have been like. So then, JJ betrays me and he gets shot. I also get shot. He dies! Right, right! As they're loading me in. Can you be the ambulance tech? Wait, so I shoot the guy that you're pretty sure is gonna be a flipper? No, you're not listening. I need Jake to end up in front of the guy who's wife and family guy.

So I shoot him? So that Jake gets shot, but first he gives his son the jacket so that he can end up with the other EMT. Man, EMT is really the twist. Wait, am I always shooting Jake at a different drop point? Yeah. I'm the one. No, different guy, different guy. No, you shoot me. You're Jesus Christ.

Are you even paying attention? Stop interrupting and listen, I'm tired of giving you this note. This is a mysterious fucking way right now. But there's a but then, of course, this is also where we get the big reveal. How were they hiding the Bible as well? This is so dumb. They've printed the Bibles in invisible ink all over their jackets. And they see that they check it with like a blacklight pen, right? Like a jizz

finding pen or whatever. They check that and they see the Bibles written in there. But like at that font size, they'd be there's nowhere near enough for a whole fucking Bible on the truck was for his full of jacket. Also, okay. But somebody gets a jacket with just like a list of begats and they're like, exactly what he beat me exactly to it. Because I was going to say one of the jackets we see is Philippians. And I'm just picturing that person taking it back to their church and being like this. Doesn't have a lot of content. Not a lot of feel like this would have been allowed.

I don't even think we could make a whole like theater segment of this for like a podcast. I don't really know. Maybe out of song. Is anybody? Anyone got a talented wife? It's a double like reversal because the movie opens, they lose their Bible cash. That becomes a point that, okay, we need to solve this issue. Then they miraculously solve it with the dead wife's Bibles.

But then that doesn't even fucking matter because they don't even use the dead wife's Bible. No, exactly. And, and my favorite bit about all of this is that as they're doing this reveal, they cut back to remember when Jim was looking through his pictures of his wife and his kid and his bereavement box or whatever. One of those pictures had the two of them sitting by a sewing machine. And if she used to sew with her mom, then she would know how to print invisible ink

onto fabric. Ink inside the bubbles, it's the perfect print. We had a guy with trucks, we had a cookie guy, we had invisible ink sewer lady, that's the team. It all makes sense. Everybody is reacting to getting the coats like they're holding a newborn baby for the first time and not just immediate disappointment. Wait, it's just, I think there's Ephesians and Colossians here, I guess.

This is all you get. All right. Am I going to have to read your jacket now? Am I going to have to do my sermons with your jacket sitting on my fucking... This is weird. Okay. I love that at some point, JJ was like, I'm actually a graphic designer. Here's what I was thinking. You may have heard of me. I've done a lot of important work. Nobody? Okay. So I was thinking Comic Sans. So, okay. So now, and of course we have to see Hazard being just devastated by the lack

of Bible finding. Right? He might as well like shake his fist to the heavens like Skeletor. Right. Yeah. I'll get you next time. Catch it. Yeah. Yeah, truly. Yeah. So okay. So now we cut to two weeks later and the news is explaining that three of the seven people died and were like, wait, three, does that mean Nate didn't make it? And then there's a knock on the door of Nate's wife's house and it's Nate. And he's alive. But he's standing with his back to the door.

He dramatically turned around so he could do the turn. So genuinely, he got dropped off by the cop who turned out to be a good guy the whole time. Yes. Or a good guy in the movie. That was in the ambulance. So that cop did in fact shoot him non-lethally to go along with this ridiculous convoluted plan.

All part of the plan. Apparently. And it's two weeks later, so nobody can figure out a single way to get the message to him. Because it's two weeks later. So nobody could figure out a single way to get like the message Just because it's two weeks, right? You think you could like send a message somehow saying hey, by the way, he's alive He's just it's gonna be a couple of weeks or if that was part of the plan. Maybe you warned your wife Yeah, so JJ betrayed us. So we're both gonna pretend to get shot. But don't worry. I've got a fake cop who's on my side He's not part of this planet. He's not delivering the Bible. All right. You know what? You're never interested in my friends.

I'll see you in two weeks. Yeah, but so but he reunites with his wife and the cop drives away. And then the goddamn title card comes back up and says eight years later. And I'm like, no, you get two weeks later or eight years later. You don't get both. Fuck you. Eight years later, four college semesters later. Yeah. So but then now we're we're like caught back up to the video, right.

From the very beginning. Four hundred eighteen weeks later. Let's keep the units the same. That's it. So, yeah, but but now we're at the confessional video that we started with and it turns out that the guy that was recording this video is Austin, the kid Jake's son that saw Jake get shot during his Bible delivery and was thus inspired to a life of Bible smuggling is the end of the movie. It's so like he literally he's because he's on a video call to like his mom to let her know

that that he's safe and that the they're hunting for Christians all over the place. But the way he describes the experience he's talking about, I still think about that gunshot every night. It's like you have trauma. You need there. You need the opposite of religion. You need therapy, my friend. Right. Yeah. Right. Also during that call to his mom, he's being literally hunted at this moment and he's doing a video call to his mom. And he also ties off the loose ends of those other characters from eight years ago during. Right, yes, yeah. He does a fucking breakfast cup.

I wanna tell you about the hunching. Also, just in case you were wondering what happened today. I'm gonna do a breakfast cup close from eight years ago real quick. Everyone else in the movie, yeah. Yes, yeah, exactly. Ashley and the firefighter got married, and we all wrote in our notes,

who the fuck cares? Jesus. But then Nate shows up as he's wrapping up his video, Nate comes upstairs and he's like, I'm still alive and leading the Christian resistance. Let's go. And he's like, all right, does this mean we'll get a sequel? And Nate's like, no, I sure the fuck hope so. Anyway, I don't know that round of funding Angel Studios did went really well.

We'll see. And that's the end. I was like, okay, you got to try to have those Bible jackets matter in some tiny, stupid way that you invent in your Christian heads. No. No, they don't. Nothing. No, because Hazard learns, he knows about the Bible jackets and they're still doing

the exact same trick eight years later. Maybe they moved to vests or something. Oh, they never say it coming. Bible underpants. And then there's this also I love this fucking let's hope they get their Mando. But then there's this great moment at the end of the movie movies over. They tried it to like James Bond credits at the end, but with like Christian Rock and a Bible. It goes as well as you would imagine that would go. All right. Well, that's going

to do it for the movie. Jordan, thank you so much for coming on and for bringing us this recommendation. It's been a ton of fun. Amazing. Thank you. Thank you all for having me. And remind folks one more time where they can go to find more from you. You can find me on YouTube at Dead Domain and on Twitch, Twitter, and Blue Sky all under the same name. Awesome. And of course, we'll have that all linked on the show notes as well. And that's going to do it for our review of Disciples in the Moonlight. But it's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to bring you back into the fold next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck.

still need to bring you back into the fold next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. A student from an immigrant family boldly steps out to protect his first amendment rights at school and challenges the lead candidate for the presidency of the United States to do the same. Together, they take a stand for what they believe. We'll be watching One Nation Under God. I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say fucking what you have no idea no illusions I I have some idea Eli after 489 of these I have at least some idea So with that to look forward to we're gonna bring episode 489 to a merciful close once again a huge Thanks to Jordan check the show notes for links to their stuff into perhaps even huger Thanks to all the patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to buy yourself

among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving the five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Scathing Atheist, Citation D, D&D, Mindless, and The Skeptocrat available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email God awful movies and gmail.com Tim Robertson takes care of our social media our theme song was written and performed by our Brian Slotnick of the evil giraffes on Mars. All the other

music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heath Enright, Neelay Bosnik, Amino Lucians, promise to work harder earn on the trick next week until then, we'll leave you with the breakfast club close. on the channel next week, until then, we'll leave you with the Breakfast Club clothes. China went on to make billions by offering sexual tourism visas for American Christians looking to fulfill their persecution king.

Bible jackets will be the next big thrift store trend once everyone's grandma dies. Pete eventually did find the last of the carrock seeds. The church who got the Leviticus jacket were very confused. We can say hi to our editor Morgan. Hi Morgan. Hi Morgan. Hey Morgan. You excited about becoming an American? Huh?

You get a real passport? Fifty first state buddy. He's in Canada. Oh, you have my sympathies hmm all right this time of year yeah all right here we go the reason we say gone red is because we're recording that's why I say I say I'm recording when I'm on with a guest but you guys are you guys are committed to the bit I'm not giving up my badass catchphrase mm-hmm nope I get it all right here we bit. I'm not giving up my bad ass catchphrase. Nope, I get it.

All right, here we go. Jordan, I'm sorry you had to see that. God, what a terrible title. Jesus fucking Christ. If I was writing a movie where there's a bad writer in the movie and then like they had to have a, like a novel they were working on, it would be called Disciples in the Fucking Moonlight.

That's so bad. That's so comically terrible. Apostle John Everyman? Really? Really? It could be one of the opening trailers from Tropic Thunder. Yes, right! Exactly. Yes. Ah, alright. What's... Oh, damn it, dog. What's... Acorns?

The dog gets the pony! Acorns? The dog gets the pony! You're right! Interrupted just in time again. Let's... Sorry. A diversified portfolio...

Acorns will recommend a diversified portfolio that lets you and... Nope. That lets... Meats. Meats. Meats. Meats. Meats.

Meats. Meats. Meats. Meats. Meats. Let's. Sorry. A diversified portfolio. Acorns will recommend a diversified portfolio that lets you in. No. That lets. Fits. Yep. Fits. That's gonna be it. Fits. There it is. Normally, like, I'm able to guess if there's one letter missing. But there's a lot of letters. I got a lot of big N's with TS. This is them. This is them.

I don't believe you, Eli. There's a lot of options here. Embarrassing me. S-H-O-P-M-A-N-D-O.com Please? No fucking way you're going to spell it that insane. I'm giving it. I'm giving it.

S-H-O-P-M-A-N-D-O.com Spell it normal. We're going to get a make good just based on they're going to be like People are going to think it's showpomando. Come on. S-H-O-P-M-A-N. Go to that equates at least. Come on.