God Awful Movies - 494: Hidden Secrets

Episode Date: February 18, 2025

This week, guest masochist Bryan Schilligo joins us for an atheist review of Hidden Secrets, the story of David AR White not having sex. Check out Bryan’s YouTube channel, Good Bad or Bad Bad. Check out Bryan’s podcast, This Film is Lit. If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/

Imagine how tenuous your grasp of reality would have to be that a breakup would change something you believe to be true about the universe. Right? Like, I adore my wife. I want to spend the rest of the life with her. But if I go upstairs after we finish this recording, she's like, it's over. And I'm like like evolution's not true Did not believe in evolution I did yeah, that's fair that was not a belief I help

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Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! No illusions. Heath is off this week, which is weird because it's not his anniversary. It's just Valentine's Day for him But sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnik. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I will not be celebrating Valentine's Day till sunset in the tradition of my people. Oh well there There you go. All right. Well, I won't celebrate our anniversary. We got married at five o'clock So I won't celebrate the anniversary quite yet either

So we're also excited to welcome in a brand new guest Massacus from the good bad or bad bad YouTube channel and the this film is lit podcast Brian Shilligo Brian Welcome to god-awful movies. Thank you for having me very excited to be here been a listener for a while But this is this is fun to be a guest masochist. Normally. I'm a professional masochist And Brian provided us a hearts are. No, not hearts are Trump. Trump by grace. Yes. That was my fault. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, the microaggressions Brian has committed against this cast are introducing us to Trump by grace and he put a comment in our notes, which almost killed no. It shifts everything over to the left and it drives me. I'm so sorry. Over the left in a way specifically designed to murder.

No illusions. I did that on purpose. But you know what the honest truth is, though, you made up for that with Trump by grace. That was the most amazing goddamn thing I've seen in two fucking years. And I loved it. Oh, I appreciate that you say that. Yeah, it was. I stumbled across that. I don't know if you know this, but Dan and Jordan mentioned a film scene in Arizona.

Like they were, they were joking, I think, like, oh, maybe Arizona has this film scene. They actually do. Phoenix, Arizona has like a film culture and they make tons of terrible, terrible movies. And that was actually how I found this was one of the actors from the Trump by Grace was in one of the movies we covered on our show a while ago.

And it was a weird one because there was like nine views when we got to it. It was. Yes. It's good to know who want to say we just need to find the other eight now. All right. So tell us Brian, what will we be breaking down today? We watched hidden secrets. So according to the email Eli sent me about this movie, it's a story about David A.R.

White who won't fuck his new girlfriend because his old one is dead. So that's not what this movie is actually about. The only part of that that's right is that David A.R. White won't fuck his girlfriend. True. That part is correct. You nailed that part. But it's actually about a guy who won't fuck his new girlfriend because he's still in love with his old girlfriend and God would be really jealous.

But his old girlfriend did not die. So that's very important. Also, John Schneider is here to play a Jewish atheist, which despite him being of Jewish ancestry somehow still feels like a hate crime. It feels really... How is this man somehow doing a bad job at playing his own religion? Yeah, it felt problematic somehow. Yeah.

Yeah, well the atheist part for sure. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the usual Christian romance slop we review on this show, but you wish it descended into madness as quickly and disturbingly as your bipolar aunt did when Donald Trump started running for president. You will love this movie. It's the, well this took a turn Christian movie. Boy is it. Yeah like we're an hour and ten minutes into this fucking movie and I message Eli and I'm like you know for the last hour and 10 minutes into this fucking movie and I message Eli and I'm like, you know For the last hour and 10 minutes, I was kind of wondering if this really was gonna be any fun at all

But uh, holy shit, man. Does it ramp up at the end? So sure does Absolutely does be ready for that. All right So is there anything guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? So yeah I'd like to nominate this for being the best at being the worst at replacing one problematic movie trope the magical black friend With a different somehow maybe more problematic movie trope the magical gay abused as a child friend It's pretty impressive that they yeah ex-gag Converting oh my god. Yes, it's so bad

Sorry, I forgot one of the problematic elements Yeah, yeah, he sees fixed story Sorry, I forgot one of the problematic elements of the problem. Right, it's so easy to do. Yeah. Yeah, he sees fixed. Don't worry. All right. And so I feel like I've done this before. And so I apologize if I'm cheating, but I'm promoting this one to the best worst, Goofus and Gallant.

You remember Goofus and Gallant from Highlights? Goofus would tell you the wrong way, but Gallant would show you the right way to do it. Okay. Well, one of this movie's main threads is that David A.R. White represents the correct way to convince a non-believer to be Christian, right? And that's, it's such an inherently douchey thing to like try to convince other people to join your religion that they have to create this ridiculously over the top, wrong way

to do it character so that he can seem like he's not an asshole in comparison to somebody. It's like if Goofus just always shot people. No matter what the topic was. Goofus just shot someone in the ear every time. I can't wait to talk about that character. I can't wait to talk about her. She's my favorite. Beautiful. And Lee's favorite. I'm gonna go with Best Best ADR. Oh goodness. Okay. So this movie spends quite a bit of time. You don't think about it until it happens, but it spends quite a bit of time setting up David A.R. White to sing a song. And the voice they use instead of David A.R. White might as well be Barry White James Earl Jones in terms of

Shockingly not his voice Michael J. Fox shows up and goes that's nothing like you I will say I thought you were talking about a different a get there. Okay, what I saw it I was like, oh, there's two things he could be Get their let okay what I saw it. I was like, oh, there's two things he could be talking That other one I have I have I need to know what was going on we'll get to that later Mmm-hmm. So you get that to look forward to all right? Well, it has been way too long since we've had David a our way to visit So we're gonna keep the break brief and we come back. We'll dive into all the conversations about the plot that are hidden secrets, which is just the nature of secrets that's redundant.

Why wouldn't they be hidden if they... Okay, what about Severance? Are you watching Severance? No. Dude, I'm telling you, you're missing out. That's what I hear. Hey guys, you ready to record the show? Yeah, but Brian hasn't seen Severance or Cobra Kai.

Oh, those are great shows. I know, I know, but I always end up signing up for those streaming services and I just never use them. It's like a huge waste of money. That's true. I haven't watched Sklaudoodle in a while. Well, why don't you just try Rocket Money? What's Rocket Money?

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Exactly. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in cancelled subscriptions saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's premium features. All right, Noah. I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to rocketmoney.com slash awful movies today.

That's rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. Rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. See, now you can watch From. There's a TV show called From. I still think he's making it up. From is real. All right, guys, welcome to the final writers meeting for Hidden Secrets. Woohoo!

Let's go. All right, so I want to start off by apologizing for not bringing in the last 10 pages. I know I said I was gonna, but I just, I didn't get to it. My sister was really sick and I was watching her kids. No, no worries, man. It's totally fine. But on the plus side, you know, if there's anything that like we left out, my last 10 pages of the script can kind of clean all that up. Yeah. Better safe than sorry.

Exactly. So Craig, I was looking through your pages this morning and did I miss it or did you set up that Harry is struggling with his homosexuality and was molested as a child? Oh, no. No, I did not. Really? Oh, okay. So what did you write then? A roofing race?

What's a roofing race? What's a roofing race? Two characters race to do roofing the fastest. Yeah, that sounds really great to look at. So, so Larry, did you at least set up Lisa's pregnancy and abortion so that we can infuse that into the final third of the movie? Ah, I did not. Well, why not? Well, I wrote this really cool swing dance section and they needed a dress up montage

before they could go swing dancing. And then I ran out of pages because we were all supposed to do a third. Well, so in my last 10 pages, I have to include Lisa's abortion and Harry's sexuality plus Rhonda's comeuppance, Anthony's recommitment to Christ and Gary's conversion that we already planned? Looks like it.

Yeah, sorry. Oh my god, did you guys at least set Rhonda up as a villain? It's basically what the entire movie is. Oh, okay. Thank you. You're welcome. How's your sister? You know, she's Yeah, really. Okay. Thank you. You're welcome. How's your sister? You know, she's fine, Craig. I'm just asking.

And we're back for the breakdown. And for this movie, we're actually going to start with the poster because our guest today really did his research and that's where his notes begin. Yeah, I don't know if you guys have seen the poster for this movie. I think I saw it posted on Facebook earlier today. A note that says, you know, I'm going to be a director. I'm going to be a director. I'm going to be a director.

I'm going to be a director. I'm going to be a director. I'm going to be a director. I'm going to be a director. I'm going to be a director. I'm going to be a director. I'm going to be a director. I'm going to be a director.

I'm going to be a director. I'm going to be a director. I'm going to be a director. I'm going to be a director. I'm going to be a director. I'm going to be a director. did his research and that's where his notes begin. Yeah, I don't know if you guys have seen the poster for this movie. I think I saw it posted on Facebook earlier today announcing the episode, but it's so unnerving. It looks like someone asked AI to create a movie poster for a Christian movie that's starring exclusively grays. Everybody is, yeah, they're so smooth and shiny. Right, no, that is skin that you put on.

Yeah. Yes. It feels like there's a template to be offers you like, hey, if you give us your movie and we give you 75 cents every time a drunk person watches it on autoplay, we'll also give you this Canva template for your movie poster, which you can use. Yes, no, exactly.

It's got the blue sky, the blue cloudy sky that says Christian movie, right? It's got the it's got the blue sky of the blue cloudy sky that says Christian movie Right. It's got all the characters have been digitally deaged by 10 years or 26 in the case of John Schneider, right? Yeah That is I keep forgetting the Mitchett. He's supposed to be the same age as these other people Very clearly not so yeah, so the the poster was amazing. Thank you for the link Yes. Very clearly not. So yeah, so the poster was amazing. Thank you for the link. But then we get our production logos.

And I just, I've mentioned this a thousand times in a thousand David A.R. White movies, but Pinnacle and Peak mean the same fucking thing. Pinnacle Peak is a stupid goddamn name for your production company. And then the next one that came up was Blazing Sun. And I'm like, well, that's what the sun does, you fucking idiots. Cold Snow Productions. It really does feel like his fallback writing thing, when he can't come up with anything, he's like,

just find two words that mean vaguely the same thing. It's measurement. Yeah. So, OK, so we open on somebody writing a letter and then that person puts a gun to their head. And critically, we cut away before there's a shot. According to IMDb, this is a comedy, right? Like this is how most comedies open, right?

With a person shooting themselves in the head. I mean, look, I laughed, I laughed. All right, so, well, right, it opens, like, if the first third of this movie was a murder mystery, it would make perfect fucking sense, everything that opens up, right? Even down to the list of characters that we're about to meet. Yeah.

Right? So the credits are going to... watching a bunch of different people all gathered together to a funeral, right? They're all driving to the funeral like we're meeting a list of suspects, right? But at any rate, so we get that we see a woman, this is Sherry. She's sadly looking at a picture of the deceased. Yeah. And it's, it's way to the picture is way too big to be the I'm looking at this picture sadly before the funeral. It is. It's also very clearly that actor's headshot. Oh yeah. The thing Christian movies do all the

time that makes me very happy. Yeah. I mean, what? That's the easiest picture to get. Yeah. And also you got to make sure it's big enough that the audience can see it. No obvious. Yeah. Well, right.

Might as well be dressed as like a construction worker in one frame and Italian chef in the other. He led so many lives. Then we see, we see David A.R. White and his girlfriend. They're driving past a green screen. And then we get some of the laziest writing I've ever seen in my fucking life. We meet Harold the writer guy, and we know that Harold has written a bestseller because

when we meet him, he's standing in his living room next to a full-sized, hymn-sized cutout of himself holding his book with the words number one times best seller written across it. Hell yeah. Let's bring this into more cinema. Just people standing next to standees of them doing their job to establish what their job is. And he's also, his book is about the end times and it's called The End.

Look, I appreciate a movie that understands where its audience, the level of its audience, this movie knows. They're like, all right, look, this is what he is. He's an author. We also, of course, we also meet the only couple that I like in the movie, Anthony and Sally. Mm hmm. Yes.

We meet them. Anthony's smoking a cigarette and then he has to cover up Sally's tattoo because they're about to go into the church or whatever in the tent and the church wouldn't really approve of the tattoo You know what fuck you the church Sally is awesome She should rock her tattoo or the fuck she wants she was almost my best best because there's just one healthy couple ignoring the rest Of the movie and Sally is one half of they have no place in this film this film whatsoever. I don't know why they're here, why they're friends with these people. They don't belong in the genre, let alone the film. I have so many notes about that later, Brian. We'll get to it. But before we do, we have

to see fucking, well, he's not Urkel's dad, he's Urkel's neighbor. We see Reginald Bell Johnson, right? He's the priest conducting the service. Yeah, he looks so excited to be here. He looks, you ever go to like a small Comic-Con and there's like a guy who's just like loving all the attention, right? It's just fucking Kevin Sorbo signing headshots. That's what Reginald Johnson is doing in this film. He's like, that's right.

You do recognize me. Yes, from that show. I still do movies now and then. What can I say? Sometimes. Yeah. Now, and most films would have the sense to fade the lyrical music out once we had settled on Reginald Del Johnson's sermon. But in this movie, the music is always just an open competition with the dialogue. No, that guy promised his niece that her entire Christian album could be in the movie and he's a man of his word. Sound mixing is hard, guys. It's really, really hard, okay? You have to like take one channel

and bring it lower than the... It's too much. It's a lot of ops, lovers. It's too much. Crazy. Also, did you notice during this opening sermon from Reginald Bell Johnson, I thought I was going crazy. We push in like a crane shot into this church that he's giving the sermon. The first few seconds of it, he's delivering it straight down the barrel of the camera.

He really is. And he's grinning. He's like, it's me from TV. Yeah, it's very odd. I thought we were going to do like, oh, he's talking to us, the audience kind of thing. Magical narrator situation. Yes, exactly. That's what I thought we were going to do like, oh, he's talking to us, the audience kind of thing. Magical narrator situation. Yes, exactly. That's what I thought we were doing.

But then it cuts around and no, he's talking to an entire church full of people. And then he stops looking at the camera without ever acknowledging it. And I'm like, what was that there for? Right. It was like he was just like, oh, fuck, I was looking at the camera. Yes. Yeah. So and then he's like, and one of the friends would like to come up and say a few words. So we cut to David A. Yeah. Yeah. So and then he's like and one of the one of the friends would like to come up and say a few words

So we cut to David A.R. White and as he's getting that we hear somebody whisper that must be his girlfriend Rachel that's sitting next to him Yeah, thank you for stage whispering. I appreciate the exposition There's no need to introduce who are gonna be introduced to her in one fucking scene So yeah, so but he was the best friend of the dead guy and his eulogy is awful. My god, Eli, if you or Heath gave me a eulogy this fucking bad, I'd come back to life and haunt you. No, take it up. Do another take. I'm going to be alive for another couple of days. Yes, right.

And someone who could bother to write something on a cue card should do the next one. Right. Because he goes, well, I don't know what to say. We get your best friends you legi Right come up with like something man. You can say you know No, I will say this. I don't know how many funerals you guys have been to Normies do this shit normies do they will get up and be like I don't really know what to say and every time I'm just like nice really good You should have not stood up then. That's what you whisper to someone while they just, that's an option. You can just sit there. So yeah. So, so, but as he's doing this, Oh, sorry. He sits down and then Rhonda stands up and starts talking

about the dangers of hellfire. Right? We haven't met this character yet. So we don't... It takes a while for us to figure out that the movie knows that this character is awful because she's just being like the people that act in this movie. Yeah. The whole time.

I struggle for a metaphor what it's like because it's such a unique position to try and show a bad Christian in a Christian movie because all she's doing is saying your worldview out laughs. Yep. Yep. That made me crazy the whole movie. I have notes about it constantly, but I'm like, she's just saying the things you believe. What is happening? Why are you gaslighting me? Right. Well, but at first we is so much so that when we first meet her, we're like, oh my God, they don't even realize this person is an asshole to the hate, but they do. They do. Yeah. So as she's doing her thing, though, John Schneider bursts in, not hurting anybody. That's right.

And the whole funeral stops to look at him. And I know he walked in too loud and everything, but just like, just carry on with your funeral. You don't all have to stop and stare at his ass. Can I say this church as a whole engages participation way too much. Right here, she just stands up and starts invoking her own prayers.

They're gonna do a fucking call and response section towards the end of the movie. Way too many interruptions in this church. Fair, fair. So, but John Schneider is late and he's like, I guess he's an old friend of the dead guy and he's gonna whisper argue with another friend of the the dead guy This is Michael so we're meeting and I don't I don't even know what John Schneider's character is in this movie

He's just John Schneider John Schneider. I call him John Schneider. I call John Schneider the entire time. Alright, awesome Awesome, so he's arguing with Michael about the directions to the to the funeral Yeah, he said it was a white church with a cross on the roof, you moron. I immediately was like, I will bet all of the money in the world that John Schneider is playing an atheist. As soon as he bursts into the church door and starts disrespecting everybody in that church,

it's like, okay, he's definitely an atheist. There's our atheist, yeah. Two seconds later in the next scene. Yes, the very next scene, we're standing outside of the funeral. He's like, and he's going like way too much Jesus shit in that funeral on their way out. And I'm like, man, if it was possible to make me like John Schneider, you'd be doing it. It isn't right. So you're not, but man, they try hard.

They do try. They almost get there. So everybody leaves, they all like limousine over to the graveyard where they do the other funeral, right? The little funeral. Man, you non-Jews have a lot of fucking funerals in your funeral. It's weird. It is weird that we do a funeral and then we drive to another funeral and then we drive to another funeral afterwards. Yeah. It's like the funeral after party. And sometimes there's a pre-funeral funeral. Sometimes there is. Yeah, there's like a party and sometimes there's a pre-funeral funeral sometimes there is yeah, there's like a meal sometimes There's a pre-funeral stare at the dead body funeral. Well that one is I don't like that at all Yeah, so I don't like any of them. They're all weird. They're all pretty fucking weird

I can't even do the Jew one where they just kick the box in the ground and walk away. Okay. All right So we also we have to talk about and possibly we have to reserve several minutes for John Schneider's sunglasses. Tiny little sunglasses. You mean the sunglasses I wore to my eighth grade summer camp and that I thought were so cool. Fuck yeah. No, I wrote there like, oh, he stole those sunglasses from a nine year old.

There's an angry nine year old. Yeah, me. There's a kid in the gushers commercial who looks way less awesome than he should. He tries to kickflip and just eats it because he doesn't have sunglasses. Oh, God! Yes, no, honestly. My skateboard wasn't racist enough. These sunglasses are the missing-at-a-kick flip of sunglasses. So, okay. It's an excellent John Schneider joke. I don't even know. Is that a Gusher's joke? I'm not sure. But Joe, he was on... Smallville. Vroom, vroom, racist car. No! Dues Hauser. Okay. Dues Hauser! That's it. Okay, nailed it. He's Paul Kent to me. He'll always be

Paul Kent to me. You know your jokes are great when you have to yell at the co-hosts of the podcast to appreciate them. All right. So after the great side service, Davey goes over, he chats with Reginald Bell Johnson and he's like, Hey, you know, we'd really like you to preach at the youth service on Sunday like you used to when you used to live here. And he's like, Oh, I don't know that I'm prepared to do a sermon. He's like, I really think that you should.

And he's like, Well, do you think we could set it up the entire movie and act like that's going to be the great big finale of the whole thing and then just never do it? And he's like, yeah, we could do that. I'm fine with whatever you want to do. Believe it or not, we could totally do that. I'm going to go over to Crafty because I am on camera on a movie. Hi, it's me. I'm in a movie. So, okay. So he's committed to that. And they go to the post funeral funeral funeral the post post funeral funeral Right the reception that would so that's the first one where there's food. So that's fine. Okay, that's the best one Yeah, that's the one that has the charcuterie. Yeah, so oh and when we open this fucking scene We open on Rhonda turning to her husband,

the writer, Harold, and going, I wonder how many of these people would go to hell if they died today. I wish you'd stop asking that every time we go somewhere, darling. Her husband's reaction to that question is perfect because it immediately, I will say, it's kind of effective filmmaking. It immediately sets up the dynamic that not only does everybody else hate Rhonda, her husband hates Rhonda.

He just gives... He hates Rhonda. He stares at her like, what the fuck is wrong with you? And she just walks away. I did not have the time or inclination, but I would be interested in what percentage of this character's lines are

direct reference to or claimant of hating the fuck out of his wife. Yeah, right. 90% of them. I'm guessing it's above 80. Yes, it has to be. I would love to know how many of Rhonda's lines were directly lifted from my Aunt Cathy's inner monologue, right? So then the cigarette guy, Anthony, the part of good couple, comes up to Davey and his girlfriend. They're hanging out and this is where they established that Davey and Harold the writer and Anthony, the good couple guy and the dead guy used to have a band together as when they were in high school. Yeah. Yeah. So we also have this weird exchange. So we should probably just be upfront about this.

There's this character named Michael in the movie, right? We are going to learn 15 minutes from the end of this movie that Michael is gay, but he's gone through gay conversion therapy and they fixed him. And Noah, when upon rewatching this movie, did you find that there were lots of subtle hints at that? Address that or does it come out of left field like the fucking truck in signs? Wait are you being serious right now? You didn't catch that he was gay? Well, I had written in my notes several times in any other movie

I would have assumed that this was the gay character, right? That is fair. In this movie, you can't make that assumption. Right. Man, they go out of their way several times to be like, he really does not like women for reasons that we will not discuss. Well, when we first meet him right here, right?

He comes up to Rhonda comes up and she's like, are you Christian enough? And he goes, what? And she says, I'm pregnant with many children. I have many children. Do you have many children? And she's like, are you Christian enough? And he goes, what? And she says, I'm pregnant with many children. I have many children. Do you have many children? And he's like, no. And she's like, that's bad. God wants you to have kids. Right. Yeah. And he's like, well, God also says not to touch a woman if you're not married to her.

She's like, oh, you got me. Yeah. What's so funny is I would have taken that as an indication of homosexuality, except the Christian worldview is this insane Celebacy thing yeah, so it's just like I mean I guess that's a good response You're only are supposed to be fucking if you're married. I don't pick up on anything Well, I love it and her reaction so many times everything Rhonda says is like a non sequitur to what the person she's talking to said She just says whatever she wants in response to them. But because in this interaction,

Chris, she comes up and is talking to Chris, or not Chris, Michael, and she says to him like, he's like, oh, you're pregnant. And she goes, oh, what about you? And he goes, no, no, not me. And she goes, God says it's not good for a man to be alone. And I'm like, he just made a joke about not being pregnant. Why would you assume he's single based on,

like that makes no, what is? She's such a strange character. Yep. Yeah. So, but then she goes to introduce herself to Davy and the band, and she like turns to David A. R. White's girlfriend and she's like, so are you sufficiently Christian? Yes. By the way, this is where I first started to realize that the movie actually did know that Rhonda sucked, right? Because she makes this comment about like, my husband is a writer. He writes books that sell very well or whatever.

That's the first time I was like, oh, OK, even the movie knows. Yeah, right. Good. They don't expect bragging about books. That's not one of the values that they regularly praise. OK, yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. That's how I know. So then, OK, then we get the scene where she has to go meet John Schneider, which she opens up by saying, you're Jewish, huh? Yeah, she tells him that she's a fan of Jewish people.

And can I say something? Oh, interesting, fun fact. As a Semite myself, no one who has ever said that is telling the truth. of Jewish people and can I say something a little interesting fun fact as a Semite myself no one who has ever said that is telling the truth they are they're about to tell you how much they admire their country's banking system is what they're about to do they're so funny yes Rhonda you can't go around asking people if they're Jewish Jesus oh god and so she like, so you would you were friends. We didn't Chris work for you at one point and then he quit.

And he's like, yeah, yeah. Our company started doing embryonic stem cell research. And he was morally opposed to that. And Rhonda is pissed. She's not excited. You're a baby murderer. And this is where we establish a dynamic that will continue throughout the film, which is

that Rhonda will be monstrously offensive and John Schneider will just absolutely dunk her like a basketball in every conversation they have, which I should point out. Like, I just want to take a moment to point out if the Christian worldview were true and abortion were really murder and embryonic stem cell research were actually a Series of murders or whatever the fuck they think it I mean it's hard to go down that path right but if all of this were true You shouldn't include these scenes in your movies, right? There shouldn't be a subtle right you wouldn't have a movie where there was one Nazi was like I only kills the occasional Jew Put us air partner and we'll be like what can I say? I love this guy.

Yes, exactly. So, okay. So, but she's like, do you have any idea how much that offends God? And he's just like, fuck you and God. Again, they try so hard to make me like that guy. After she storms off, he looks up at this guy and he goes, Christians, where are the lions

when you need them? And I'm like, okay, that's a pretty good line. All right, John Schneider, that's right. I will say, and this is where I was like,'m like, okay, that's a pretty good line. All right, John Schneider. All right. I will say, and this is where I was like, at least so far, it's a terrible movie. It's full of like stilted performances and absolutely insane lines and deliveries. But there was like some level of self-awareness

and ability to make fun of themselves, like a little bit here, at least in 2006. And I don't know what happened to that because I don't think that's the case anymore. Yeah, no, we're no longer getting those. It is kind of funny that like 2006, we never would have thought it at the time, but this this was sort of the golden age of their self-awareness. Of self-awareness, yeah.

They're like, look, we don't we all know that this kind of Christian sucks. Now they're just all that kind of Christian. It's like, great. Fantastic. Exactly. So, OK, but now so Rhonda runs in to scream at the dead guy's sister, who at this point in the movie, I thought was his widow, that she needed to uninvite John Schneider from the funeral reception because he was a profiting off of the genocide of unborn babies. Yeah. And I'll point out one other thing things, I don't want to harp on the

Ronda thing too much, but I'll point out that like everyone treats Ronda like she's a bit of a pill, but she's monstrous. Yes. Every word that comes out of her mouth is I would leave the building and never come back levels of monstrous. Right. Yes. She would get kicked out of places routinely. Yes, exactly. Right. If I were in a room where Rhonda was and she said any of the lines she has in this movie, I'd be like, OK, I'm leaving

and I'll never see anyone in it again because, you know, Rhonda and haven't killed her in a murder in the Orient Express situation. So. My bad. No, right, exactly. Again, they have to go so over the top with her so that David A.R. White's characters constantly harping on John Schneider, the Jewish atheist, to turn Christian doesn't seem as whole, right? Right, yeah. So, but Rhonda warns her that

if she lets John Schneider stay in her house God will collectively punish all of them because he has shit aim apparently with his vengeance I'm just imagining a I'm just you said murder on the horn Express and now I all I can imagine is a movie where that they do all murder Rhonda and then Kevin Sorbo shows up playing her kielpworo to solve the murder. Sounds like a great movie. Oh my God.

Just for his fucking accent, right? Just for his Belgian accent. You got a camera? I do got a camera. You want to shoot this? I got those Mevo babies. Kevin Sorbo is available. They went on sale because they got a new one.

I bet Rhonda's available too, yeah. So, okay, so we cut outside and this is where we established the drummer guy, Anthony, Sally's boyfriend, thinks that they, the guys who were in the band together, should all get together and do the unfinished roofing job that Chris was in the middle of when he died. Now, at this point, we think that Chris is the one that was shooting himself at the beginning, and I'm like, don't do that, man.

This could have been the roofing project that drove him to suicide. I've done roofing before. It's that kind of shit. It's every roofing project. Yes, exactly, right. Yeah, I was just desperately hoping for every single one of these characters

to fall off the roof directly on the run at this point. Ending this entire miserable ordeal. I was the drummer and his girlfriend can live because they seem chill. Yes, they're true. They could be the ones to tell the tale. Yeah. Now, Noah, you have done roofing and I have looked at roofing from afar. Is roofing and I really don't know.

This is me opening my heart to vulnerability. The eyes of a newborn babe. Is roofing the kind of really don't know, this is me opening my heart to vulnerability, the eyes of a newborn babe. Is roofing the kind of thing you can just wing? That you can just sort of figure out as you go? Because look, the snob in me says yes, but the person who's ever tried to do anything in me says no. I mean, like with a YouTube video or two you could get the basic idea, you'd fuck it up. It wouldn't be good, you could get the basic idea. You'd fuck it up. It wouldn't be good.

You wouldn't roof good. Like you couldn't roof good enough to like climb on top of somebody's multimillion dollar mansion and just start hammering away at it. But even beyond that, even if you could write like you're not insured. Right. It would like they like this woman could get in so goddamn much trouble if one of you got hurt or so. You don't just do roofing to somebody else's fucking house. Yeah. Maybe you don't do roofing to somebody else.

Yeah. But they're like, yeah, we should roof that. And they're like, you mean as like a major part of the movie? And they're like, yeah, we could probably fill most of the second act with that. And they're like, you mean as like a major part of the movie? And they're like, yeah, we could probably fill most of the second act with that. So then we get the scene where Rachel is going to introduce herself to the dead guy's sister, Sherry, who we will later find out is David A.R. White's ex-girlfriend. This is the love triangle here, right? David A.R. White, his current girlfriend, Rachel, and his high school girlfriend Sherry god I'm so bored by this fucking movie yeah

truly and again keep in mind we are 90 minutes from ex-gays and abortion so right all of our notes are like okay who was fucking who not fucking him ten years ago who cares right and none of them were even fucking. Well, one of them was fucking because there's an abortion, but we'll get there. We'll get there. So yeah. So, but Rachel, the current girlfriend, is guilting Sherry, the ex-girlfriend, into letting David A.R. White and her stay at her house.

Yes. Like, after the funeral. They've got a hotel in town and she's like, oh, you know, it's so impersonal. And here he is with all his best friends and they're all staying with you and he's not. And she's like, oh, okay. That's an insane thing to do, right?

I'm not crazy that that's a really weird thing to do. Really fucking- To just impose yourself on a grieving woman right after her brother assumingly killed himself as far as we are concerned right? You know to get to pull back the camera ever so slightly like I would do with my mevos in the movie that me and Brian Are making next weekend. Let's say we start filming around 7 or 8. I'm good Crafty look I don't have anyone in this company who will wake up So sorry cover crafty looks. Okay, well I don't have anyone in this company who will wake up at 6 a.m. Ryan you've just destroyed a beautiful thing. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

If I may pull the camera back a little bit the way me and Brian will now never do. This plan, the girlfriend, right? Mm-hmm. Is trying to get them to stay in the house so that they will realize that they're not in love anymore? Yes. He asked genuinely. That's the plan. How does she think that's going to work? Right. Especially right after a fucking funeral.

Like, I'm sorry, like maybe I'm weird, but I'm never more fucky than I am right after a funeral. Right? Is that just me? Yeah. Oh, well, you know. And, like, I wouldn't think the more exposure to an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, the more likely the person would be to not fall back in love with them. Like, what is they...

She thought that maybe the absence had made the heart grow fonder? Yeah, because she knows... That's the whole thing. She knows that there is, like, tension there. They have this history. Yeah. And she's like, the best course of action, obviously, force you two into close proximity in a moment of incredibly heightened emotions and grieving. This will go great.

This will work out great. You definitely won't just go at each other constantly. That's not what's going to happen. Yeah, no, I honestly, if you told me that she was just bored by the general plotlessness of the story so far, that would make the most fucking sense. Yeah. But anyway, so she agrees to let him stay there.

Rachel comes to tell David A.R. White, but of course, she lies to him, too, right? She's like, oh, you know, Sherry insisted that we stay here. I didn't bring it up at all. It was her that broke it up. And then we all wrote in our notes, every single fucking one of us wrote in our notes, is Rachel angling for a threesome? The only thing that makes sense. The only thing that makes sense. Yeah. Right. Or the general plotlessness thing that I brought up. Okay. So now,

so Sherry's going to take everybody upstairs. Now we haven't mentioned this yet, but the house is this amazing immaculate mansion, right? So at this point she explains that this is her parents' old mansion and she's converting it to a bed and breakfast. There's no reason for us to know this. This is just- I was just wondering why? Why do we- You have to explain why she has bedrooms, obviously, in a house. Why else would a house this size have five bedrooms? Yes. I can't imagine Christians do test screenings, but that must have been what happened, right?

Someone stood up and was like, why she got so many room? And they were like, all right. She's, she's, I don't know. She runs a bed and breakfast. What if it was a bed and breakfast? I have heard of bed and breakfast. I am listening. Okay.

Well, so I think the real solution to this mystery is the fact that this movie was an hour and 27 minutes long. They needed everything they could get. David said he wouldn't lip sync another number because the guy who did his voice is fucking Uncle Cracker. He's supposed to do six songs. Uncle Cracker's gotta be dead, right? Is he dead? I feel like he's not dead on the outside, but I think we can all agree. If we had...

Anybody named Uncle Cracker died on the inside a but I think we can all agree if we had anybody named Uncle Cracker's died on the inside a long time ago. Probably. So, okay. So we get this amazing fucking scene because none of us even registered. We're so not Christian that none of us even understand what's going on here, right? They get to the top of the stairs, everybody goes to their room and Sherry's like, well, David A.R. White and your girlfriend who you came here with, unfortunately, the only room we have left just has a single bed.

Be pretty awkward. And we're like, why would it be awkward? They're a couple. They're a couple. They've been together for like two years. Two fucking years. And also pick a worldview. Either you are of the worldview where that would be an unacceptable position

to put people in, and you would never put people in that position, or it's okay to raw dog your girlfriend of two years. You don't get to play in both worlds simultaneously moving. Yes, right. Like they were supposed to go, actually, no, and they'd go, ooh, you pass. You get access to the secret second bedroom.

So yeah, so she's like, well, you pass. You get access to the secret second bedroom. So, yeah, so she's like, well, you know, you'll have to sleep in the same bed. And Rachel's like, oh, I was going to I was going to ram his ass with a strap on anyway. So like, it's going to what we're going to do with the second bed. And then they go in and David A.R. White turns to her and she says, what are you doing? She's going to think we're sleeping together. And then and that's where we're all like, Oh God, is that what this is? That's what they're concerned about.

What that is such an alien. I can't even put my brain in a head space that understands a 38 year old person being there. I think we're sleeping together. This is literally and you can see it in my notes. I literally thought that was the room where he killed himself. And that's why the tension was there. I still thought Chris had killed himself.

I was like, they're going to be tucking in and then they just, as they pan across the room, there's a big blood splat against the wall. Badly cleaned up, like smeared. It's like kind of a pain exit. But it's gotten broader. It's very clearly a lot more of the wall than it was originally. Yeah. So they all go in there and this is where Rachel explains to him, she's like, look, I know that you still carry a torch for your high school girlfriend.

So I thought I would put the two of you into a house together and you would realize that, you know, I'm better or something. Or at the very least we could fill an hour and 27 minutes with plot. And we can bury her ghost, which is a weird thing to say about a person who's living. It's even worse. She says, bury her ghost just like we buried her brother. Jesus. Rachel's cold. She knows she's a she's look, she's an operator. She knows what she's here. I guess.

She's got her eyes on the pr the prize She's not fucking around so okay, so then Davey goes down for a quick porch set with John Schneider and And we get the first of our challenging the atheist scenes Okay, but let me be clear if it's your first episode first of all welcome to call These kind of a charming part of the podcast. But also, the way they have set up these movies is that the atheist is supposed to make some incredibly weak, incredibly milk toast argument. And then the Christian goes, I don't know, isn't there love in your heart?

And they go, the logic of it all. In this movie, John Schneider will fucking power bomb the Christian argument into the dirt and the conversation will end the way real conversations with Christians always go which is them going I don't know it seems a little rude to be talking about this and you just go okay you started it up yes storming off and being mad at you for some reason. Like, you started this. I've watched No Illusions do this to people across the convention floor. I know how this program goes.

Oh my god. He says, so he starts off, they're talking about mourning and he's like, it's so weird that Christians mourn. It's kind of incompatible with the idea of an afterlife in paradise, especially for this guy Chris, who was apparently like a priest and a beloved and such a good guy or whatever, you know? And Dave, he's like, well, actually, I believe in God even more. He's even more real when people die to me. And John Schneider's like, so sometimes he's less real? And he's like, no, you said that. He's just like, well, listen to yourself, man.

More real things aren't more or less real. That's a binary thing. And he's like, no, it isn't. He's like, yes, it is. He's like, no, it's not cut to a different scene. God damn it. Can we stop doing this now? He takes a little clacky board out from under his chair and starts editing it. And scene. What actually what we need to do is just let the scene go on long enough that John Snyder stops making good points and starts making bad points. And then yes, that's how we resolve this. Well, right. So here's the yeah, that's the crux of this is that because it's written by Christians,

John Schneider will use the terms there is no afterlife and your life is meaningless interchangeably, right? As though one cannot mean but the other. Yeah. Yeah. He ends his whole speech by saying, at times like this, I wish I could believe. I suppose that hanging on to the myth is more comforting than the fact ultimately that your life was meaningless. And it's just so clear they have never spoken to an actual atheist.

Yes. Yeah. Right. And look, absolutely. Sometimes I've heard atheists say, yeah, it's times like these when I wish I could continue to cling to the myth. Yeah. But then they're like, but I can't because you just can't make yourself believe bullshit. Right? Yeah.

I also like imagining that I have one million dollars in my bank account. But I'm aware that that would not be a healthy course of action for my life. When I started writing checks. Yeah. All right, well, we need a minute to cope with the crushing despair of our godlessness, so we're gonna take a quick break, but we'll be back in a minute with even more hidden secrets. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Okay, Nunchaku skills. Red flag. What? That's protection, like I'm there to help people. Is it? Hey guys. What you doing? Oh, Brian and I were just talking.

You know, it's been a while since I've been in the dating pool and he's telling me about my red flags and green flags. They're pretty much all red. Yeah. No, I figured. But why are you even bothering about this? Well, I always want to make myself a better partner and therapy is one way to do that. Wait a second.

Therapy can make you a better partner and therapy is one way to do that. Wait a second. Therapy can make you a better partner? Sure can, Brian. And if you're considering therapy, you should try BetterHelp. What's BetterHelp? BetterHelp is fully online, making therapy affordable and convenient, serving over five million people worldwide. With BetterHelp, you can access a diverse network of more than 30,000 credentialed therapists with a wide range of specialties. Plus, you can easily switch therapists anytime at no extra cost. So if you need a therapist who's secular or LGBTQ affirming, they can help you find that. Alright guys, I'm sold.

Where do I sign up? Discover your relationship green flags with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Awful to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash awful. Nice. Thanks. Hey Noah, if I told you I possessed both close up and long distance ninja stars. Red flag, yeah, red flag.

Okay, you guys just hate the ninja. I don't think we hate the ninja. So your friend Mohammed is Muslim? Oh yeah, yeah he is. Say Mohammed. Oh hey Rhonda. I want you to understand that I love you and I want you to join me in heaven. Thanks, thanks Rhonda.

So you know, have you considered switching religions? No, no I have not. Okay, because the Bible is full of prophecies and miracles. Yeah. Like, it's a very logical and reasonable choice to switch to Christianity. Right. Kinda like God made a book of true things just so people like you, Muhammad, could see the light and be saved. Well, you know, Rhonda, actually the Quran is far more scientifically accurate, so if that was the standard that we were using. Can you believe the nerve of him trying to convert me like that?

Totally out of line. I think you got it. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with a fucking six second shot of John Schneider jogging that we could do a god awful mini on. Okay. Here's my question. Has John Schneider never jogged before,

or did they do 57 takes of that? And we're watching the moment right before he passed out and vomited. I thought you were gonna say you did it so many times that it's like when you repeat a word too many times, he forgot like how jogging works. It sounds weird. It's like, what does my body do? Well, so, okay, so I was trying to describe this in my notes

and I spent a minute on this, guys. When I came up with this, he's running like a cartoon macaroni noodle that was cheaply animated, so it like sways all the way to the left and then all the way to the right with each step. That's how he's running. Yeah, yeah.

I went with, he looks like, he's jogging like a wounded Sasquatch. Like a hunter, a drunk hunter winged him. Right, sure. Yeah. No, and as he's doing this weird fucking all the way left, all the way right jog, he's also, he's talking on his phone, on his cell phone, which is weird to do when you're jogging to begin with, but he's doing it without headphones. He's just holding this. And like this is, this was filmed

in 2006. So like we had the technology at that point to leave your phone in your fucking pocket. But he's just running down the road with his phone to the side of his head like a boomer. Yeah. We never find out who he's talking, I mean the abortionists obviously, but it's never been clear why he needs to be so on call for each baby murder. Is it not his wife? I think it's supposed to be his wife.

Okay. Oh, all right. Maybe his wife is the abortionist. Oh, interesting. Part two really clears a lot of this shit up. So, okay, then we cut to goddamn David A.R. White and his girlfriend waking up in a bed in which they have made a fucking pillow rampart to keep the two of them apart.

The great wall of pillows. Yes, the great wall of fucking pillows between the two of them so they don't accidentally touch each other's junk in the middle of the night. It's not often that one appreciates the progressivism of Roman holiday, but here we are. Here we are. It's so clearly that one appreciates the progressivism of Roman Holiday, but here we are! Here we are.

It's so clearly one of those scenes that's supposed to be cute and funny because she like sneaks her hand through and it like tickles him and he like jumps out of bed. It's played as like a comedy beat, like, oh, how relatable. And it's it's just so objectively unhinged. What is wrong with you people? Yes, it's so again, because like there is a cute version of this scene and it's Roman holiday But that's because both of those characters aren't afraid of hellfire from which none return

Well and haven't been dating for two fucking years. So he goes downstairs and Sherry's already in the kitchen making coffee So they can have themselves a moment and the the moment is basically, hello, what are we now? Well, so Davey explains, he's like, hey, I'm really sorry. It turns out that Rachel manipulated this whole weird situation and we need to resolve our issues before we can move on, like quantum leap or some shit. Why would, why upon learning that, wouldn't you go, hey, I'm really sorry. My girlfriend did this terrible thing I'm going to go to a hotel now

Yeah Now knowing that you did not arrange this and spend I assume the next two to three long business days Fighting with my soon to be ex-girlfriend About the crazy thing, but he's like, I mean she she connived and I kind of want her to see her plan through to fruition. Do you mind going along with my girlfriend's weird manipulation? Keep in mind, okay, so not only did this, this girl just lose her brother who we're meant to believe

like she was very close to, they saw each other every day, they lived in the same town, et cetera, et cetera. But also we learned like at some point along the way that she also just very recently lost both of her parents. So her whole family's died presumably like within the last like six or eight months. Yes. And his girlfriend is like, maybe we should do some weird surprise therapy on my boyfriend with her using her as a prop, you know, is what's going on in this scene.

Yeah. But can we talk about this kitchen though? That's what's really important in this scene son drenched gorgeous kitchen gorgeous drenched I literally was like it while the movies playing I'm like over here digging through the locations on IMDB and then cross referencing and all tabbing out to Zillow yeah absolutely yeah no the house was gorgeous love although that I got a read we got to refinish the vent though. That tiling on the vent hood is hideous. Well, you know, it was a different time.

It's a different time. Alright, so then everybody, all the named characters show up to do a little bit of roofing. I like that two of the characters weren't worth the costume change, so they will be doing their roofing in slacks and buttons. Yeah, like you do. This is that condensed shooting schedule wardrobe that we're back on. Yeah. So now before they as they're all gathered there, Rhonda

shows up with her husband, Harold. He's going to help as well. And when she shows up, John Schneider like hides behind somebody and he's like, oh, she's the crazy one. You know, like just kind of like fucking with her, as he will throughout the entire movie.

Right. But again, Rhonda has been absolutely asocial and vile, not a little bit of a hard ass. Yeah, right. Right. Yeah. Right. Like if someone went a little rough during code names the night before, this is how I would react. If someone called me a murderer of children, I wouldn't be like, oh, here she goes. Yeah. Right. Right. Well, and then her reaction is like, I have a Christian obligation to change your religion away from the Jewishness you were born into. So she doesn't get better. All right. So we get that. And then we, the guitar, the rock guitar kicks in. so it's time for a roofing montage.

Yeah, I love the shot where we watch them all climb the ladder and it's like a look at their biceps as they climb the ladder shot. Oh, so good. And then they start ripping 200 year old shingles off the roof. What is going on here? Do you guys know anything about roofs?

What are these shingles? Noah, you're our roofing expert. I'm gonna need you to sort of lead the way here. Yeah, no, I'm not gonna be able to help you there. Your expertise is going to counter the fact that you pronounce it rough. If you don't acknowledge it. So it's important that you lend us the technology.

God damn it. The know-how. They're just giant like hunks of wood. I've never seen shingles like that. Oh yeah, no, they're peasants like holding onto them. What's the thing that, oh God got the pillars of the earth, right? That's like it's got the signature of the the peasant from 14th century on it So yeah, so it has never been more clear to me that somebody wrote down, you know blank montage into a script without

considering What that would look like? Because oh Oh yeah. So most of this montage is them going up and down ladders and then we have them ripping up old fucking shit off the roof and then we have them hammering on new shingles. Just for like a minute and a half of rock and roll.

I guess a competent filmmaker would have like, one of them showing the other one how to spin the hammer on his finger or something. Somebody almost fall, something would be going on. This filmmaker has no ideas whatsoever. Like, you know, one of them showing the other one how to spin the hammer on his finger or something. Somebody almost felt something would be going on. This filmmaker has no ideas whatsoever. So for just like a minute and a half, we watch him go, I guess we could show him hammering in another.

Yeah, go. This feels like sent script, right? Like the writers were in the room and they were like, yeah, they're just like roofing and he's like, oh my God, totally. And then they sent it to some real human being who had to be like, I mean, I can film these actors knocking nails into roof tiles for a day. Every montage in this movie, though, is very clearly a, oh, we'll just figure it out on the day.

Yeah, exactly. Well, exactly, right. Again, like a talented filmmaker could make, I guess, probably an interesting roofing montage, especially since you're trying to build character with it. But no, we just literally just watch these people hammer fucking shingles. The script says Michael hammers Gailey. Ex Gailey Brian, pay attention to Dan.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I forgot. Yeah, he's got over that. So, yes, but the montage winds down and catches them all on the roof discussing the plot. Right? Everybody is asking about the situation between him and his high school girlfriend Sherry and whether or not it's been awkward. Okay. Now, we have already teased that there's gonna be a dark and terrible secret. Sherry got an abortion. That's why she breaks up with him. But again, he doesn't give us that information here of course so the information day-to-day our white gives us is entirely psychopathic which is he was dating the love of his life since high school she broke up with him out of nowhere and he was like well I mean if she says she's done I guess she's fucking like no follow-up questions just

fucking no never asked her a question about why so then meanwhile we cut down to Sherry and Rhonda They're downstairs discussing the plot as well. They're like, hey, was it awkward with him being around and she's like, yeah Didn't we just have this scene up on the roof and she's like well, but no with with men those is different now It's true. Also we them talking about us might do some kind of Bechdel test thing So we got to make sure we're them talking about us might do some kind of Bechdel test thing. So we got to make sure we're just talking about them. Otherwise, Julie Bechdel comes up through the floor and drags us down to feminist hell. I don't know if you've realized David A.R. White treats his relationships in this movie the same way Tom does.

Just like, absolutely. I have no idea. I don't know why she broke up. Why would I ask follow up questions? She doesn't exist anymore. Right. Right. So, okay.

So then there's this weird fucking moment and I would, I normally wouldn't even bring this up, but they come back to it like three times in the fucking movie where Michael asks David A.R. White. He's like, hey, is the Lord telling you to marry Rachel? And I'm like, man, this people are so fucking weird. And Davey says, you know, look, I've, I've done a lot of things that I'm not proud of. And I'm like, is this movie one of them, David A.R. White? You've done a lot of things that I'm not proud of. And I'm like, is this movie one of them? David, you've done a lot of things that I'm not proud of, too. I love during that moment, Michael says to him, you know, Chris always felt bad because he felt like you breaking up with his sister took you away from your true

calling. That's really a weird thing for Chris to think about. Not only is it a weird thing for Chris to think, but then we find out that David's like, yeah, no, that's true. That's exactly what happened. I walked away from God. Imagine how tenuous your grasp of reality would have to be that a breakup would change something you believe to be true about the universe. Right. Like, I adore my wife.

I want to spend the rest of the life with her. But if I go upstairs after we finish this record and she's like, it's over and I'm like, evolution's not true. I did not believe in evolution. I did. Yeah, that's fair. That was not a belief by hell. Good point, sir. All right. My favorite little detail in this scene though is there's a moment,

I don't know if you guys noticed this, where John Schneider has a bunch of nails in his mouth because he's a real roofer and he knows what he's doing. So he has to spit them all in his hand to ask a question, but then he shoves them all back into his mouth and boy, he shoves those roofing nails in his mouth the way I shovel shredded cheese into my mouth. He's standing over the sick. He's just like, aww. I chew them and then shit. It's part of a joke.

They keep talking about fucking Chuck Norris. I'm pretty bad ass to God damn it. So then we go downstairs and we see Rhonda. She has I shit you not. She has printed out like a flow chart off the internet of how to turn a Jewish person into a Christian person. You can put on a well you used to get put on a Jewish person into a Christian person. You can put on a, well, you used to get put on a list for downloading something like that. Now you probably get promoted to like the secretary. Right now you get a head of urban defense.

But yeah, no, it shows how her flow chart or whatever shows how Jesus fulfilled the Jewish prophecies according to people writing after the fact that we shoehorning them into the Jewish prophecies which they didn't really actually succeed in doing which again like tell me you don't understand anything about Jews without telling me the idea that Jews have all like carefully leafed our way through Isaiah and then like no I'm not convinced all black in the beards in the Holocaust and everything yeah let's do all black No, I'm not convinced. All black in the beards in the Holocaust and everything. Yeah, let's do all black in the beards.

If only Jesus had showed up in one donkey instead of two. But her whole plan really does rely on the idea that maybe this Jew didn't read the Bible ever. I guess works for some, but. So, yeah. And then we have the fucking roofing race, right? They go up, so they would go back up to the roof. More roofing and riffing. There you go. Yeah. That's the name of our new podcast where we're Brian and I get heat stroke and die.

Roofing and riffing. It's a one episode series. Done. So yeah, but they're like, John Schneider's not roofing fast enough. And so they challenged him to see who can roof this line of tiles faster or something. And then that leads to our second roofing montage. Well this is a roofing race montage. Yeah, it's a different thing entirely.

But you can really you can feel the cameraman's boredom. Like he he starts panning. I'm not kidding. He starts. And I think this is a crane shot. Like, I think this I think they're 100 percent. They rented a cherry pick right. He's sitting. Yeah. The inanimate object somehow gets ahead of this race and is like, oh nope

Too fast. All right. I'll just hang. Oh my god here Yep, and we watch like a minute and a half like a whole fucking song worth of this as well Do you think there was a version of the script where they had a paint drying contest? We got up the stakes a little bit guys and John Schneider wins the roofing race because that was in his goddamn contract. Just like the rock. He's like Vin Diesel in the rock. Yeah, exactly. But yeah, so but then but then David A.R.

White falls off the roof. For attention. Maybe the best single moment of the movie, arguably. So we were watching this on Tubi and Tubi has a back 30 seconds button, but it doesn't have a back 10 seconds button. So every time I had to rewatch this, I had to rewatch like a solid chunk of the roofing montage as well. Yep.

So I only rewatched it four times. Yeah. My favorite detail of him falling off the roof is that he falls off the roof and then we see him fall and then we cut to a shot inside on the like second floor, first floor of the building where Rachel and Sherry are and then we see him fall past the window. Yeah. Which is like a great comedy gag. But the timing between when he falls off the roof and then we see him fall past the window

is so long that he would have had to fall like 400 feet. Yeah. Yeah. They make it through a whole pie recipe before he makes it past the window is so long that he would have had to fall like 400 feet. Yeah, they make it through a whole pie recipe before he makes it past the window. Right, exactly. Yeah, no, so we're like counting one, one thousand, two, one thousand. Is this a 20 story house? He hits the ground and just vaporizes. Yeah, right, exactly. So, okay, so that's lunch. He's upstairs recovering. So everybody goes to this gigantic dining room. God, this house is beautiful. And this is where John Schneider reveals that actually his dad owned a roofing company and he worked for him over the summer. So that's why they know what they're doing. And that part of that story makes sense. And they're like, why wouldn't you say that?

He's like, right, right. Why wouldn't I just say that? But then Rhonda comes in to unjew him. Hello today, Gary. How today. Hello. You already did that. I would like to change your religion. Oh my God. So yeah, she's like, perhaps you're aware of the passage in Isaiah 53, whatever, where it says you will be pierced in the name of the blah, blah, blah. And Judge Nader's like, you know, it just so happens that I have that wall of goddamn text memorized. I happen to know

the entirety of Isaiah 53 and can say it by heart for you now. And look, we talk about the Bible a lot on our other show, but I forget how Child's treasure map the post-Christ Isaiah is, because it's like, and then two steps to the left will be a guy whose name rhymes with squeezes. And his last name will be Christ. You can also very clearly see John Schneider glancing off to the side to read giant cue cards being held by some underpaid PA.

Because I simply refuse to believe David A.R. White runs a union cruise on his shoes. But then after that whole thing, right, which again is the foundation of your religion, he's like, yeah, but you can just lie. And she's like, fuck, I forgot about life. Right. Foiled again. Well, and so it's funny though, because of course they can't have him dunk too hard on

this stuff. So what he actually says is, well, it's actually it's easy to predict some look here, I'll do it. There will be a basketball game and one team will win. That's, that's his actual rebuttal now. Right. And, and of course, as Christians were supposed to be like, well, it was more specific than that. Right. So, so that's how they win this argument. But what you'd really say is, right, but the guys writing the book already knew what those prophecies were and they

were writing the sequels. Soels so yeah that's literally nothing. It's like how the people who wrote Back to the Future 2 somehow knew who both Doc and Marty were and you're crying. Right. You're crying. But she is. She storms off. Because it is a it is a master class in dunking and somewhere like of an atheist destroying a Christian and somewhere in a dorm room in 2009 There's a college kid who fancies himself an atheist activist watching a Christians owned best atheist debates Compilation video that has this scene in it that college kids me I was about to tell you that college kid was me get the fuck off my

Once again, I don't know if you noticed but I included a photo of me as said college. I see it. I see it now. We're all in this together. I have the shirt and everything. So we're all in it together. So yeah. So then they finished that scene.

They go and they force their way back under the roof against Sherry's. Well, I want to just be super clear that the homeowner keeps saying, please don't do this. Stop destroying my property. Someone got hurt and I'd much rather have somebody who knows, please don't do this. Stop destroying my property. Someone got hurt and I'd much rather have somebody who knows what they're doing do it, but they don't listen to her because she's a lady and they're men. Exactly. So then we get this scene where John Schneider is on the ladder, I guess, and Davey's like laying down, resting his woot from his wounds and falling off the roof. And they're doing like, John's doing counter apologetics through the window at Davy. Yeah, he's giving them the old fear and trembling.

He's like, hey, what if you heard a voice that wasn't God and it just told you it was God and David was like, God would never do that. And he's like, okay, I'm going to finish climbing the ladder now. All right, bye. Yeah. So he's like, hey, I'm going to finish climbing the ladder now. All right. Bye. Yeah. So he's like, do you literally hear voices in your head? When you say you God speaks to you and he's like, yeah, sometimes, sometimes I hear 100 percent. Yeah. Big loud voice right in my head. Yeah. That's that's not good, man. No.

So then Rachel, the girlfriend goes to check on Davey. And I guess they're supposed to be this, oh, you know, like he's trying to sleep, but John Schneider's messing with them and the girlfriend's messing with them. And it's like, he slept as much as everybody else did last night. You know, I don't know why he gets an extra nap just because he fell off the roof for attention. Yeah. But she's, but Rachel's sorry for manipulating a funeral to force him into surprise therapy

against his will and the will of the person he's just doing it to. And then Sally, Anthony's girlfriend, drives up to show everybody the cute dress that she found. And I'm just like, Sally is so much more charming and likable than everyone else in this goddamn movie. And you can tell in their own movie. Yeah, they are not characters from this movie, as we said. They're just intersecting this from another better movie about people that are normal.

I guess, yeah. So we find out here that it's Sally's birthday and Anthony's taken her to like a 50s themed dance club that night. So everybody invites themselves along. They really do. They're like, we're coming. And they're like, all right, I guess. Oh, I guess if they have food. Yeah. No, it's funny that Anthony goes at this point, he goes, yeah, you know, she likes to dress up sometimes. And I'm like, as if I needed more

reasons to love Sally. Do she use our coupon codes? I think the Valentine's Day sale is, but the coupon code's still active. So yeah, so then everybody goes downstairs and discusses the self-invite to Sally's birthday date and Rhonda doesn't want to go. No, she's literally a footloose Christian. Yes! She's a footloose Christian! Dancing leads to lewd behavior, you see.

You're pregnant with your third child. Yes, fourth actually the movie makes it. Yeah. Relax. So they all decide they've got it. They're going to go to this club but that means they're going to need 50s clothes. So it's time for a little thrift store montage. Let's go. You can feel the tension in the writers room when someone was like, it's only 26 pages, guys. Do you want to put in like a thrift store? I mean, what else are we going to do? How many scenes has it been since our last montage? Yeah, right, right. Like one scene.

One. It's been one fucking scene. Probably two if you count like the conversation flashing back and forth. Which they do several times. They wake up a montage and then go to another thing and then come back to a montage. I love this thrift store montage because one section of it is just everyone beating the shit out of David A.R. White for no reason. Yeah. That was nice. I get it.

I was just imagining being one of the poor Goodwill employees that had to work that day. Just watching David A.R. White strut around while the AD plays the black eyed peas on an iPod speaker to listen everybody up a bit. Yeah, like honestly, whether you're whether you're talking about the people who actually worked at the thrift store where they filmed this or the Theoretical people who were like in the movie universe at this It's all terrible They all had a bad fucking day. It's probably the same person. Right? Well, yeah had to pretend to be yeah, right So, okay. So then we cut to John Schneider get still getting ready for the for the big date or whatever

But John's on the phone presumably with his wife or I don't know, or the aborted fetuses that he lords over. I don't know. Eli's got his theories as well. But he's talking about how awesome being a Christian seems. Yeah. Right? And what we're supposed to be learning here is that unlike Rhonda, who's just trying to

be overbearing and everything, watching David A.R. White use his religion to help him through the tragedy is what's convincing John Schneider. Mm-hmm. Which, again, you can only figure out post fact or by knowing like kind of what Christians want out of their movie. There's nothing in the movie to indicate that. No. So, but now, oh, there's also a point where like Michael is trying

to tie his tie and he gets frustrated. So he picks up his Bible. Yeah. He throws the tie down and it's the time was too gay. It had a guitar. Oh, that's what it was. Yeah. I think that's what it was. And the Lord said around the rock, the rabbit ran and over the top and through. Well, that's yeah, I was like, I was like, there's nothing in the Bible about a double Windsor man. I've read the Bible. So, but yeah. So, and oh, by's yeah, I was like I was like there's nothing in the Bible about a double Windsor man. I've read the Bible so But yeah, so and oh by the way fucking Rachel is rock in that 50s look. She absolutely great Okay, so now we cut everybody who comes to the 50s themed restaurant I gotta admit kind of dig the rockabilly that do we get the beginning of this who would love a rockabilly club. Rockabilly is so fascinating to me.

Oh, let me see myself out of this fucking bucket. Oh, no. Do you have a rockabilly past, Eli? Yeah, no, I have a hatred of rockabilly. Well, rockabilly is fascinating to me as a subculture because I know nothing about it. But I have to imagine that it's an either entirely queer people or insane conservatives, right? Like that. I feel like that's got to be the only two demographics that would enjoy rockabellas. All right. Well, that makes it really fucking awkward for me now at this

point. Well, I guess probably like you'll notice I'm sucking this dick. Sorry. And allies and allies. They can love rockabellas. And allies who choose to live in Georgia on purpose. Exactly, exactly. Let me suck a dick real quick so you know which one I am. I bet you could get an ass margarita in this rockabilly. That's a deep cut for two people who are in jail right now, but they really love it. They really appreciate it. Sure do. But yeah, so they're all at the... There's this weird moment. So again, the sound mixing in this movie is just bizarrely bad because like most of the other like basic filmmaking things are done correctly, right? The lighting is fine. The camera work is fine. That kind of stuff. The makeup is fine. The wardrobe is fine. But the sound mixing is weirdly bad. And whenever there's music, it is competing

with the dialogue. You could barely hear. Equally volume. Yes. Right. So Rhonda's talking about how she wishes they lived in a red state, but they live in a blue state. And you barely understand it. Everybody's talking about how the guy in the band was a football star. Like broke his leg or something. Because he's having a lovely time. This is the guy who's dating Sarah.

This is Anthony. Yeah. Right. And all we have seen is his healthy, happy relationship. And the camera pans over to him very much expecting the like, yeah, he gave up on his dreams, but he's just having a lovely time

with his girlfriend. And he might as well turn to Cameron and be like, are you guys doing my tragic backstory? Because I'm actually fine. Not everyone stays wanting the things they want in high school. Sherry feels like you're slow zooming Sherry.

David. Yeah. So yeah. So then we get Harold brings him and Rhonda some diet cokes back from the bar. She has to sniff them to make sure they didn't secret some alcohol into them. Cause you know how bars love to give you alcohol that you didn't pay for for free. Yeah. Yeah. All the time. She has to sniff them to make sure they didn't secret some alcohol into them. Because you know how bars love to give you alcohol that you didn't pay for? For free. Oh yeah, all the time.

Yeah, I wrote in my notes, I am now actively rooting for Rhonda to die in childbirth. Yeah, John Schneider's like, well, I'm drinking alcohol. And Rhonda's like, well, how dare you? And then we get a shot where Rachel and Sherry meet each other in the bathroom. and this movie makes it like 30 seconds into this scene passing the Bechdel test. Oh, so close. They're just talking about lipstick so it's still kind of sexist or whatever. But and then they're like, hmm, I wonder what it says about Jeremy that we both look so much alike. And we're like, God damn it, guys, Jeremy is David A.R. White's character, I should say. Okay, but what's so funny about this is, are you guys aware of the meme of like, Southern makeup? Yes, I've seen it.

Okay, so for the elders in our audience and on the podcast, there's this internet idea, which my wife totally explained to me, and I'm going to pretend I found out organically. Yeah, same thing. It definitely wasn't my wife that told me about this. Thank you! Yeah. Why isn't Lucinda filling you in on TikToks, right? No illusions. Yep. Yep. Maybe she doesn't deserve an anniversary, huh? Think about it. That like, Southern women, because of the patriarchy, have just been taught to like, cake makeup on themselves. That they're all these like, bleach blonde, pink lipped, identical clones. But like like the reason why all their makeup and therefore

physicalities look identical is because it's all the patriarchy slather this makeup on yourself without any of the self-care that makeup is supposed to be. So these three clones looking at each other in the mirror and being like it seems like we're all being oppressed by the same three makeup companies in the same four magazines. I was like, yeah, no, I get it, ladies. I also feel insane though, because the movie keeps insisting that these two women look alike. Yep.

It's like, oh, they look so much alike, don't we? Oh, we look so much alike. And I'm like, they have blonde hair. Blonde. They don't look anything alike. Right. Well, clearly like that was written to the script and then they cast these two women and they're like, I don't kind of. I mean, if we dyed her hair, maybe. It's so weird. Yeah. So yeah. And then meanwhile, the guys are at the table chatting. They're teasing

David A.R. White for sleeping in the same bed as his girlfriend. Again, these are 30 something, well, 50 something in John Schneider's case, but everybody else is 30 something year old. Yeah, they're also teasing Anthony or not teasing, but they're questioning. How is he not upset that his wife or girlfriend, I guess, is Sally is dancing with another man that doesn't make him upset. They're just astounded at the idea of a confident guy who trusts his partner. They're like, this is insane. They write, they can't even imagine it. Anthony is just trying to explain to them polyamory. He's like, no, okay. So it's like,

there's not less of an object. It's a shared come. You guys are all crying. Okay. Nevermind. And then as if, as if revenge against me for writing, I kind of like this band in my notes. They're like, we brought out a special guest band just for tonight, some shitty Christian band. Hey, hell yeah. It's the band my very Christian girlfriend in high school drug me to see play at one of those kids nightclubs. You're kidding me. Yeah, it's not the sorry.

It's not the actual band. Oh, okay. Close. All right. Yeah. Can we say it could have been? It fucking could have been. been? It could have been. It fucking could have been.

It very well could have been. There's two Christian bands, all of them and the Newsboys. Yeah. Like, no, like I wrote my notes like this band was Frankenstein together from the corpses of every garage band in the 2000s that didn't make it. Right. Yeah. Fucking terrible.

Every garage band member whose girlfriend made him choose between Christ and the band And shows poorly. Yeah Okay. So yeah So that this band's playing now drowning out the dialogue as well and a server comes to check up on them Rhonda's mean to her cuz that's all Rhonda ever does and John Schneider to sure we have to talk about this weird-ass exchange John goes hey shouldn't faith be life affirming? And Rhonda goes, oh, now you're pro life? And he goes, hummina, hummina, hummina.

And Michael goes, you really walked into that one. Walked into what? Right. It's a complete non sequitur. It makes no fucking sense. He didn't walk into anything. Can I come in with a weird right hook of a take? It's so reflective of Christian misogyny that part of this movie is that everyone says horrible

mean things to Rhonda in front of her husband, right? Yes. Like if my wife had abhorrent opinions like Rhonda does, I'd be ashamed. We would talk about those things, but I wouldn't let people fucking slam dunk her in conversation. And then when she turned to me be like, what am I gonna do? And that's something that we actually haven't touched on yet in this movie too. But this movie has a very 1950s, my wife on my right kind of thing with Harold, right? Harold hates his wife.

Yeah. This is where Harold does the like everyone everyone, someone says, everyone has their cross to bear and Harold says, mine is 135 pounds. Yeah. Rhonda. Yeah, and she's sitting right there. She's like, hey, I'm right here. And she goes, 134. Good recovery, good recovery.

Well done. I hate you so much. This is by the way, the first time I wrote Minus because we see Michael dancing with Cherry, and Rhonda says, I wonder why the two of them never got together. And I wrote my notes for the first time in any other movie, I would assume Michael was gay,

but it's a Christian movie, so he can't be, right? There's no way, yeah. But it's a very special Christian movie. Yeah, right, right. So then Rhonda's no way. Yeah. But it's a very special Christian. Yeah. Right. Right. So then like Rhonda gives David A.R. White some shit for his breakup with Sherry for a bit.

Rachel gets mad at Davey for not wanting to dance because he fell off the roof. Which I would argue is a pretty good excuse for not wanting to dance. It's better than mine would be. Yeah. And then so but but she goes off to dance with Michael, Sherry comes back and now we've got Sherry and Davey alone at the table together. A couple of sluts. But then, so they're talking about, she's like, you know, he's like, you know, like,

why whatever happened with us and blah, blah, blah. You know, they're talking about the fucking plot again. When all of a sudden the announcer the mc comes up and announces His band that he used to play with in high school Okay, here's how he intros them. I want you to really think about if you were in any building where this announcement took place I don't know if you guys remember any of your bands from high school, but here's one of them Oh my god You guys remember any of your bands from high school, but here's one of them. Oh my God.

The dude who introduces this band is wearing a graphic tee under a velour dinner jacket and a scarf. Oh my God. Which is such a specific 2006 breed of asshole. That man has paid for several pickup artist classes. I guarantee it. Oh, 100%. His peacocking heart. He's texting Mystery right now being like,

oh, I gave you $100. I'll never forget Mystery's name. I'll be on my deathbed, completely gone from dementia. It'll be your rosebud. Your rosebud. And they'll show me episodes of the pickup artists and I'll be like, season one, episode four. So yeah. Cause it's such good advice, guys. It's very good advice. It works.

Do do everything. Mystery. Everything. Hey, can we say if you do everything, everyone is safe. So, OK, so now him and his buddies, they're going to go up and they're going to play music. This is a band that has not practiced together in 10 years. We don't know if anybody has touched one of their instrument in 10 years and their lead guitarist and singer is dead. Should sound great, right?

They're gonna crush it. Okay, crazy billionaire remake. It's just the realistic version of this. Ping, ping. No, I think it's three-four. You're coming in too early. Let me count it. Remember, because remember this is a solo.

Let me count it. Yeah. in too early. Let me count it. Remember, because remember this is a solo. Let me count it. So yeah, so they start playing. Well, first David Ayer-White has to be like, you know, our lead singer is in heaven now making more beautiful music than we could ever make. Just play the song. Just play the song. Oh God, what I wouldn't pay to be there in that moment. Yeah. So so they start playing and of course, way more instruments are playing than are there on the stage. You get that dumb shit. But more importantly than any instruments. There you go, Eli.

Fucking Red Skeleton, Elvis Presley, Dolly Parton's voice might as well come out of my television. I, you know where you do that thing where you laugh crazy, where the laugh has complete control of your body? Where you think you're just like, I hope no one comes into the room. Right, if someone comes in, they're going to think I'm crying over the loss of my child. That's how hard I left. And David Ayerwhite is miming like he knows it. He's like, Oh, it's so hard I left. And David Ayer-White is miming like he knows it. He's like, oh, it's so not my voice.

It has a different accent than me. Blah, blah. He could not look less happy about being on stage performing. Peas and carrots, peas and carrots. Yeah. Well, and then he's playing, he's supposed to be playing guitar too. And they just agreed to like, at least just have the camera show up from the shoulders up. So he's just kind of vaguely waving one arm a little bit. Okay well it's better than

the drummer who appears to be fighting a fly with nunchucks. Terrible fake drumming is one of my favorite things to watch foreign bad movies because I played drums my whole life and I have seen way worse but it is pretty bad. Every actor, when you ask them to improvise drums, just goes better, better, better, better, better, better, better, better, better. But they just do it over and over again. He there's one moment where he actually is like playing the hi hat and the snare, like somewhat in time, but the rest of the time it's not. But then the rest of it's just John Philip, Susan.

Yeah. So, yeaha intro. Yeah. So yeah, right, right. So and but of course we listen to this whole stupid fucking song. By building 429, a really good Christian band that's definitely still exists. Oh yeah. They rock. None of the members have killed themselves. Definitely not.

But of course, as he's doing this, Sherry is remembering why she fell in love with him. I'm glad that he happened to remember the song that's entirely about getting back together with your ex-girlfriend. And he's doing the entire thing staring straight at his ex-girlfriend while his current girlfriend is in the room. Be unfortunate if it was like a song about going to the beach. Yeah. Alright, well, I'll tell you what. We've had to relive listening to two Christian songs in a row, so we deserve a break. But first, let me give Act III a hard sell. Will this movie turn out to be an accidental dissertation on the way that Christian morality

ruins the lives of everyone it touches? Will their prejudices against abortion, homosexuality, and divorce undergird the chief misery of literally every major character? Will they ever realize that? Find out the answers to these questions are precisely what you'd expect them to be when we return for the exponentially increasing bad shittery that concludes... HIDDEN SECRETS. Chris, welcome to the afterlife, big guy.

Whoa, are you God? Yes, my son, I'm God. Why do you sound like- It's a carryover bit from the other show. Got it, got it. Now, my son, before you enter heaven, do you have any questions for me? Yes, Lord, if you don't mind. I spent my entire life in pursuit of love, but I never found it.

Why? Yeah, I thought this question might come up. Okay, buddy, I hate to tell you this, but your true love was Michelle Wilkinson. From 10th grade? Yeah, man. I put your soulmate right there where you could find her. Okay, sure, but I figured I was supposed to like find her out there, out in the world. Why would I do that?

What if you had a soulmate who was a 90 year old in Vietnam? It doesn't feel very soulmate-y to marry your high school girlfriend. Works great for some of us. No, you're not even supposed to be up here. Okay, so is she up here? Who? Michelle? Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, but don't bother. She married Chris Holcomb. From 11th grade? Right? So close. Can I take this weed? Damn it, Noah. No, you can't take any weed. Everything down there has seeds. Yeah, well, you should have worshipped my son.

Hate seeds. Ronda loves seeds. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Davey love seeds. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Davey and Rachel back in their room at Cherry's house discussing that last scene. It's okay. Keep in mind, here's what's happened. All right.

She has been standing there weeping while he sings a song about still being in love with his high school girlfriend to his high school girlfriend. And he opens this scene with, how are you feeling? You feeling great? You love that? You really enjoyed that, didn't you? You need an aspirin?

Would you like an aspirin? She's like, well, it would be better if I had an aspirin than not having an aspirin. So he goes to find an aspirin. Did you eat? Shouldn't do an aspirin on an empty stomach. And so he goes to find aspirin. So he's just randomly picking through all of the cupboards and there's like 30,000 cupboards

in his fucking kitchen. So he's looking through all of them for aspirin. When Sherry comes in and he turns to her and he says like out of the fucking blue, right? So earlier before he sang the song, she had asked him, Hey, did God ever tell you that that you and I should get married? And he just kind of uh, uh, uh, until they announced the thing. So now he just turns to her as though no time had elapsed at all and said, yes, God told me to marry you and I love you. Yeah. And just once when a movie does this, cause I know it's not just a Christian movie

thing. I want the person to be like, sorry, yes, what? Oh no, you, it was the end of our conversation. That was like two hours ago. That was like two hours ago. Yes. You sang a song since then. We had other conversations since then. We had to have other conversations.

It would be so weird if there were no other conversations. Remember, you were going to ride with Chris, and I was going to ride with that. Yeah. But this is the big confession of love, right? This is like the big moment. This is the climax of your will they, won't they romance plot. And I can't get over how as a viewer, it's so anticlimactic for that big moment to be,

yes, I felt I heard the Lord say we were to be married. Unless you are that very specific brand of Christian that believes God talks to you and tells you who to marry, which is not even most Christians, I would bet, if I had to guess. And it's just like, as a filmmaker, how do you not watch that moment and realize how unsatisfying that is? It's just crazy to me. Yeah. So, and she's like, you know, but what about Rachel? He's like, I recently go fuck herself. Like, she's obviously just here to serve as a point in the love triangle.

Right. She's like, that's a great point. But we have a different reason why we can't be together. It's too late. I run out. I run away. It's too late. It's not too late. What are you talking about? No, it's too. It's too early, actually. Act three is just getting started here.

Did you guys also do that thing when she was like, it too late and run out you're like, ah, god damn it There's more to this fucking movie. Yes. I was just pissed that this movie was still going at this Yeah, she says it's too late and she they can't be together. And so he runs off he gets in the car He drives down to fucking green screen Ville or whatever Okay, but Davies reaction is truly some of the worst acting we've ever seen him do. He reacts like she stabs him with a go. He's like, Oh, might as well run out with his like arms limp or whatever. As he goes to the worst acting we seeR. White do until the next scene.

Well, yeah, right. Until he's trying to drive around all sad, angry. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, he's driving around, he's remembering all the scenes in the movie with Sherry and them. Yeah, and one with Rachel.

And shit, they do look alike. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love a good crying while driving montage. And this is a good one. It's also good padding out the runtime. Isn't it though?

Why it's really here. Any movie where we're like and in the fifth montage. Yeah. So and then we cut to like so you know Sherry's very sad and Rachel's also very sad and David A.R. White's very sad and they cut to Michael and we're all like because we don't know about his like secret homosexuality yet or whatever. We're just like why the fuck And then they cut to Michael and we're all like, cause we don't know about his like secret homosexuality yet or whatever. We're just like, why the fuck did they just cut to Michael?

What is he doing in this movie? He literally introduces himself to the scene being like, Hey, I also have an info dump. You have to let me be in this scene. Right. Basically. Yeah. Right. Cause he comes downstairs and she's like, please go away. And he's like, it's me.

And she goes, yeah, no, I don't care. Just go away. I wanted you to go away. Oh, Tom. I'm here to fulfill my role of resolving the plot of this movie for everybody. Right. Basically, honestly, when she was like, please go away, I wanted to be like, OK, sorry, who said that?

Why? Oh my God. Let me take a seat. Yeah. So, OK, this is where Zeno's runner gets halfway to the crazy guys. Okay. So, cause she goes like, you know, she says, he still loves me. And he's like, well, isn't that what you wanted? And she says, no, God's punishing me. God's mad at me. That's why God killed my whole family.

Yeah. I don't deserve him. Yeah. And Michael goes, why would God punish you? And she says and I quote I Murdered my own baby No I coughed water out of my I was literally taking a drink I laughed so loud. I spit water everywhere. I left like Thor being told a good joke at a table at a festival being told a good joke at a table at a festival. Ha ha! Another!

How bad did you want her to like open her wallet and her ID just says Casey Anthony and she's like, sure I go by Sherry. I did not think that's what you meant. Oh my God. And so by the way, so and also it's such a hilarious revelation when it happens, but let's not skate past the idea that she thinks that God killed her parents and her brother to punish her for having an abortion. Yes. Their entire family goes collateral damage on that one.

Why would you worship something that would do that? Also, to be clear, that's not part of Christianity. No. No. No, the Bible's not part of Christianity. No, no. No, the Bible's pro-abortion for fuck's sake. You could make an argument that maybe there's an Old Testament viewpoint that God does that kind of stuff, but definitely not New Testament. That is kind of the whole thrust of the New Testament. Sure is.

Yeah. Sure is. So, yeah, but she explains that she had an abortion. Wasn't David A.R. White's kid when she was in college. She got drunk and partied and had unprotected sex that one time. And she got pregnant. You know how that happens. And she realized she was pregnant. She realized she had to have an abortion or David A.R.

White would never forgive her. And then she broke up with him, so it didn't really fucking matter, I guess. The other things that she involved in in this movie is completely foreign from what we've been introduced, right? They're supposed to be the love of each other's lives. They were inseparable, and she was like, so I'm getting raw dogged by, like, I don't know,

six or seven, eight Max guys at this party. And I'm like, did I take the pill today? But I'm just I'm come drunk, you know, I'm come drunk And he's like, yeah, I get it. Okay, you do get it All right, you do find out the nice thing that you do get it. Anyways, the bad thing I did is I got health care That was the bad part well And then and she's like and he goes well, you know that David A.R. White would forgive you if you just told him. So there are no stakes at all in this movie.

If you think about it, you had to make up your own religion in order for there to be stakes. Right. He'll give you a second chance. And she says he shouldn't have to. And I was like, well, yeah, no, he shouldn't because you did a normal thing. Right. Obviously, he shouldn't have to give you that's not what the movie means. But nope, not at all. So, okay. So, then we get like Michael's on the porch when David A.R. White gets back from his sadness drive. And he tells Michael all about how him and Sherry never fucked and he's never gotten over her or whatever. And just as you're thinking,

like, oh my God, just this again, this is where Michael is like, well, you know, look, God forgave me for being gay and even helped cure me of my homosexuality. And David's like, yeah, yeah, we all know that. And I'm like, do we all know that? You know, Sphrenner got halfway to the end of the race again, guys. Hey, guys, sorry, I'm just looking over our screenplay here. What's the most sensitive way we could introduce that a character was sexually abused as a child? Should should David Ayer or Whiteberry casually kick the ground and go, sorry about that hole you're getting, getting you know fucked up the butt thing

That's how they introduced Let's go with that Zito's runners gotten halfway to the end to the race again guys And David A.R. White is going for it in this Crying he is this was his Oscar, but he thought like, this is it, this is my award moment. This is the one they're gonna play before they cut to me and I wave politely in the audience. Holding hands with Robert Downey Jr. Yeah.

Yeah. So yeah, so they established that he's a converted ex-gay person and that he was molested as a kid and I wrote, bet that's what turned him gay, isn't it? Uh-huh, me and the way. Yeah. We also have to talk about the reveal line though, because this is the other ADR line.

Yes, yeah, yeah. Oh my God. So when he says, he says like, oh, I was gay. And then the camera is on him and he says, but I was freed of my, and before he says the next word, the camera cuts away to Davey. And then you just hear very clearly 80 yard homosexuality. Homosexuality.

Yes. Yes, and it's Barry White again. It's not even the same. Yes. So what was the original line there? What did he actually say? But piracy? I don't know.

Yeah, right. No, it very much plays like he had like a, like somebody came along and was like, guys, that one is a slur. And he's like, oh, oh. Yes. Yeah. All right. Well, that's 100%.

It sure felt like that. Yeah. So, okay. So then, so Davey goes upstairs and he just starts packing his shit without saying a word to Rachel Rachel keep in mind Like the last Rachel heard he was going to get her a goddamn aspirin So he starts packing his shit she's like, what are you doing? He's going he says I'm gonna go to a hotel and she's like

Hey, um, I want to be clear here that like I'm your girlfriend Who's been standing by you and you just sang a song about how much you loved another woman to her in front of me. And then you came back to her house and confessed your love to her and then stormed off and like, like you're not the victim in this situation. Okay. Like I'm the one who should be mad at you. And he's like, yeah, but this movie's about my emotions and not yours. So I don't think that

I am the man in this relationship right yeah I'm the main character of the movie and she's like okay well oh yeah got me there I love the way the scene ends though is that he she says all that she confronts him and his response is just I'm sorry but uh I'm gonna go to the hotel go watch hba okay but also like why wouldn't she just go to the hotel. I'm going to go to the hotel. Go watch HBL. It's like, oh, okay. But also like, why wouldn't she just go to the hotel with them? They could fuck if they went there. But it also like, but if she doesn't go to the hotel now, she's staying with her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend from high school. That's even weirder, is it not?

That was the plan all along. Oh shit. Yeah. I like it. Making. Yeah, I like it. Making her move. I like it. OK. And then so he leaves and then we get it just a just generally occupying our time montage. Right. Like we see we see John jogging a little bit.

We see five more steps, five more steps. Yeah. Yeah. Macaroni noodles this his way left, right, left, right. And then we see Michael reading the Bible. And we see Anthony and I have this long dissertation in my notes about what the fuck Anthony is doing in the movie. Because like Harold, I get, right? Harold is the writer fantasizing about writing a bestselling book and then openly telling people how much he hates his wife, right?

That's the purpose he serves in this script. Michael is the ex-gay guy. John is the guy, the atheist who has to see the glory of Christ. What the fuck is Anthony doing here? He's the cool guy. I feel like Anthony wonders that. Anthony turns to the camera several times and is like, I'm honestly doing fine. You can stop slow panning to me. Okay, my life's great. Have you seen slow panning to me. I really am okay. My life's great. Have you seen Sally? She's adorable. Sally and I are having fun. We do a lot of outfits. A lot of tattoos. Very sexy.

She knows how to paint. But the scene where John is reading, or Michael is reading the Bible though, on the like little bench outside the house. And then John Schneider jogs up and all this plays out with music over. We don't hear any of the dialogue that's happening. It is incredible because it's just the gay friend being like, hey, Jewish friend, have you seen this new thing they call the Bible? The Bible, you say? Don't answer yet. Yeah.

Yes. Good. He's presenting it like what a Barker's beauties to him. And I'm just right on my nose. I really want these two men to fuck now This is yeah, but John reads a little bit of Bible just the tip just to see how it feels and he's like No, not from me any any walks off random fun fact the guy that plays Michael was on 26 episodes of Stargate SG1 Oh fuck yeah, it was okay. Let him moving up in the world so now it's Sunday morning and

Harold and Rhonda show up to ride to church with everybody. Right. They're all going to church together. And Rhonda cannot believe that they're going to bring Jewish atheist John Schneider to church. Don't forget baby killer. Yeah. If I may quote her quote, if he had his way, he'd be injecting my daughter into some experimental patients brain right now. Yes. And I want you to take a moment and think about all the things you have to not know to say that sentence.

Well, I wrote about all the things. I wrote my notes at this point. I'm like, and then Rachel Speed hates, right? She just like she comes in and she just delivers this fucking diatribe about how he's a murderer. He's he's worse than Dr. Mangala. Dr. Mangala. Yeah. Yeah. And and shares like, hey, he's Jewish. So maybe. Oh, that's what's offensive about that.

Yeah. You find a less Holocaust murderer. He's fine if he wasn't Jewish. You can do that. Use Pol Pot. Use Pol Pot. Yeah, right. Right. She says she's like, but abortion is the American Holocaust. It's even worse than the Holocaust. Like, oh, is it now? Yeah. But they all believe that. They, right? They do. Right, right. They do, though. Everybody in this movie agrees with her.

She quotes the Deuteronomy, all the sorcerers will burn in fire section. Yep. Which is there a better way to invalidate your point to be like, and also the, uh, the ground of my morals thinks that there are sorcerers. She says, I love it when Christians say God will not be mocked in their thing while we're mocking them. That's so much fun. It's always a good time. Yeah. Right in the center of our bingo card. But then Michael cuts her rant off, right? He goes, wait a minute. So you're telling because Sherry keeps saying, well, you know, isn't it better to bring a sinner to church

so that he might convert to your religion? And she's like, no, he's a murderer. He's worse than Dr. Megal. And so Michael says, all right, wait, so you're saying that I'm going to go to hell just because I want to suck a dick constantly at all times. And she's like, wait, what? Say pardon me, what? Yes.

And then she storms off realizing that she's near a gay person, right? Or ex-gay. God, she's saying. He's ex-gay. So I hate this movie so much. He's cured, Noah. So she storms out and everyone's like, what happened? And he's like, well, Rhonda found out I am gay or I'm pretending that I used to be gay. I'm a gay man torturing himself to fit in with your antiquated belief system, and so she's mad at me.

Right, and again, everyone sort of crosses their arms and nods and shakes their heads, like Rhonda won't stop farting on Taco Tuesday. No, Rhonda is so unacceptable to a modern society that she might be arrested for some of the things she says. Yes. You can't yell Rhonda's opinions in a Walmart. They'll trespass you.

So, all right. But everybody goes to church. Rhonda is so mad that they're casting pearls before swine. Her husband's like, Judge, not yet. Lest ye be judged. And she's like, you're taking that out of context. And I'm like, that's the one goddamn time a Christian has said something that wasn't out of context.

So and then, oh, they're all on their way in and Anthony stops David A.R. White and they have a little chat. He's like, I guess you're probably surprised to see me here. And we're like, why? I wanted David to be like Anthony, right? You haven't really been in the movie. Something about football. Were you a football guy? I don't know.

We got like gay and abortion on the table now. So you understand how it's a lot going on here. Your whole thing is not that interesting anymore. Your wife is awesome. Yeah. So, OK, so now we go into the church. Reginald Bell Johnson starts the service and he's like, we're going to do a David A.R. White is going to do a thing, a youth pastor thing that we've been building up to for the whole movie. But first, as ever, we'd like to start church off with an

open mic. Yeah. So anyone want to stand up and just call everyone else a damned murderer and homosexual in the weirdest, most aggressive way possible. Oh, so Zeno's runner gets halfway to the end of the race again, guys. And Rhonda stands up and just starts rebuking the homosexuals and abortionists in the crowd with them. She's just roasting the whole room. Yes, it is impressive. Well, and then Sherry stands up and starts doing a counter prayer. And I'm like, this guy's, this might be our first fray off.

I don't know. 494 episodes in. I don't think we've done that before. And then Davey stands up and does a counter counter prayer. Sherry's like, yeah, it's true. It's murder. And that makes me a murderer. David A.R. White rises to his feet and is like, I fuck asses.

And fucking Reginald Johnson is just looking into the camera like white people, right? That literally that is a moment that happens in this movie is Reginald Bell Johnson goes, OK. All right. Ah, I remembered why I stopped making movies. Yeah, right. So she why I stopped making movies. So she admits, though, that she had the abortion in front of the whole

church congregation. She's like, I had an abortion in college and it ruined my life. And I'm like, well, actually, it's these people's judgment about your abortion that ruined your life. If these people were equally judgmental about farting on Taco Tuesday, farting on Taco Tuesday would have ruined your life. Right. These assholes ruined your life, lady. But she goes to leave, Davy stands up, he's like, wait, wait, don't go, I also have sins, big sexy sins, my sins are also good.

I gave into my flesh so often, I couldn't stand myself anymore. Did he just confess to jorking it like all the time? Yes, right! What else could that possibly mean? He's like, you would be amazed at how many, I have started a fire on my pubes before. It's crazy.

When you're a kid, you don't have actress solution all the time. You know, you choke off two or three times a day, but once you get a pocket pussy. Do we think David A.R. White is circumcised? Yes. He is now. I is circumcised? Yes. He is now. Well, the sheer friction of it.

So you know, we don't speculate on David A.R. White's penis enough on this show, Brian. I'm glad you're bringing something new. So okay. No problem. I disagree. But David A.R. White, he has this, this like, you know, I still love you moment with Sherry in front of the whole church, but also in front of his current goddamn girlfriend. Rachel's just sitting there the whole time going, well, fuck. I tried to screenshot it so many times, but it's too short because they shoot from him to Sherry.

And then it just shoots to Rachel being like, we're having fun! I'm loving this! Don't cut to me! Don't cut to me! And then so, as they're like, I love viewing each other whenever, Rhonda's making some snide comments, and this is where Harold, her husband, the writer, has had enough, and it's time for him to mansplain how it's gonna be to that bitch wife of his. Yeah!

Slow motion slaps her across the face. Everyone starts slow clapping. Skitter! Right, because there's a, when he starts to stand up to Rhonda, we remember that we're watching a Christian movie and I'm like, oh, I don't know who's side to be on. Right.

I don't know who's side to be on. The patriarchy is confronting homophobia and I don't like anything. So yeah, and so she starts, she goes to storm out of the church side to be on the patriarchy is confronting homophobia. And I don't like it. So yeah. And so she starts, she goes to storm out of the church and Michael, the ex gay guy, he stops her and he goes, you know, Rhonda, I want to be very clear that we all care about you and we understand that you're doing something that you think is very important and out of

love because this movie is aimed at Rhonda. Right. Right. Like in any other fucking movie, you wouldn't have to stop this fucking character and go, we know that your homophobia and your extreme fear and hatred of anybody who's even remotely different than you comes from a good place. I really wanted the gay guy to stop and be like, hey Rhonda, Rhonda, fuck you. They kind of did the lovebird thing over me, but I wanted to say... But then, this is of course where we get the big reveal, right?

Where Michael's like, you know, it's people like you are the reason that I almost killed myself at the beginning of the movie, but I didn't. I put the gun down when I got a phone call about Chris dying of something else. Yeah. What a reveal that that whole scene at the beginning was actually Michael trying to kill himself. Entirely meaningless to the rest of the film, right? Except if we're a Christian who's been sitting in judgment of her dead brother for being a suicide, right?

Right, or the movie wants us to vaguely be like, I guess Chris's death wasn't so bad after all. Yes! We just never find out what happened to Chris, by the way. We have no idea. Not that I guess it matters, but like we will never find out how he died. Yep.

And then we cut to Anthony going, wow, this church stuff is great. It's okay. Final scene. We got, we have Davey sending Rachel on her way Right and she's like I guess you should probably take the rental car, huh? God damn I'm going to drive this car into a lake and leave it there Honestly, she should be allowed to take his car after what he did Yeah, right rental or no, right?

They of course she tastes like a champ though because there's no time left in this movie to deal with her shit in this movie. It's about man feelings. So it doesn't matter. And therefore she's like, no, I'm really actually happy for you. I don't have any personality beyond you. When I drive off of this fucking screen, I will cease to exist as a concept. I stop existing. Yeah. Voip right into the nether. Yeah. Right. Soip right into the nether. Yeah. Right.

So then Rhonda shows up, right? John is about to leave. He's heading to the airport. Rhonda shows up to apologize to everybody for being all uteracy for the whole movie. Right. And again, it's not an appropriate apology for what she has done. She publicly exposed one of them as being an abortionist murderer. She publicly exposed one of them as being an abortionist murderer. She publicly exposed one of them as being a homosexual,

right, these unforgivable things that have huge personal consequences. And she's like, I'm sorry I ran over your petunias, Mrs. Dung Tree. Mom says I have to spend all summer helping you down at the old boathouse. Hope I don't learn some valuable life lessons. Oh my God.

And just in case you're too subtle naming the dead character that brought them together, Chris, one of the characters says that this at this point, again, direct quote from the movie isn't it amazing how Chris's death has inspired all of us. Huh? Ha ha ha! Real line in this movie said out loud at the end. It's so dumb. Unbelievable. I also have to point this thing out. They give the best half-assed twist of faith

that's ever happened in Christian cinema. As the movie, like the credits are halfway up the screen and John Schneider goes, and who knows? Maybe I'm not Jewish anymore and Rhonda's like really and he's like sure why not yes and we've seen no reason for that at all everybody hugs and then the very final line of the goddamn movie is David A.R. White kind of looking up to heaven and going thanks Chris for dying I don't think me thank the asbestos in my Thanks, Chris. For dying. For dying. For dying.

Yeah, that's the unspoken part of that, yeah. Don't thank me, thank the asbestos in my basement. Well, and it's, because this is the big happy ending. We see David Aaron White's character's name, whatever it is, sitting with Sherry and they're like, wow, we're going to be together forever. And it's, I just, again, I'm like, this movie treats relationships like a thing that

just happened to you. Like these people, these two characters have not seen each other in a decade prior to this weekend. And within a matter of like two days are like, we should spend the rest of our lives together. And when they last saw each other, they were like in their early 20s, their brains weren't even done developing You have no fucking idea who that person is at this point none at all and they have yeah

And but they're like no yeah, we should definitely just spend forever together But I get married driving off into the sunset so your Tamagotchi still I remember that being really important to you. All right. Well, Brian, I am so happy to have introduced you to David A.R. White's filmography. And if you'd like to save yourself a message later, you can thank us for second glance in advance right now. Thank you.

I will check that one out. Thank you already. I don't know. I don't know anything about it. It's fucking amazing. It's my favorite David Arowite movie and I think we've gone, we've watched like something like 20 of them at this point. Oh, fantastic. Well, I don't know. Revelation Road is pretty fucking good. Okay. Sorry. And quick while

we still have you here, where should our listeners go if they want to hear more from you? Yeah. So as you mentioned at the top, Good Bad or Bad Bad is my show on YouTube. We watch bad movies, secular bad movies primarily. It's me and my co-host Kyle Hinton. Every two weeks we do another full episode on a bad movie. Some of the movies you've done, we've done 365 Days slash Deadly Attraction. I actually sent that to you guys years ago.

Hell yeah. We've done Blackbird, Ember Days, all of the Neil Breen films, tons of stuff like that. So lots of that is really good stuff. Also, you can that. So lots of that, it's really good stuff. Also, you can see what we're talking about because it's a YouTube show. We actually edit clips from the movie in when copyright allows.

Ooh, look at you. Very fancy. And then the other place is the podcast I do with my wife called This Film is Lit. My wife has a bunch of English degrees, so she reads the books. I have a film background, so we both watch the movie. And then we compare movies that are based on books to the books they're based on. We

just recently did the Christmas shoes for our Christmas episode. Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Hell yeah, baby! Yeah, that was a lot of fun. We've done Christmas with the Cranks. We actually just, our most recent episode is the last Chronicles of Narnia film, The Void of the Dawn Treader. Oh, okay! I forgot that they kept making those. Yes. But so we've done tons of movies over there.

Aaron Rabinowitz has been on episodes back in the day. We've we've done a lot of stuff, a lot of really good stuff over there. So those are the two main places that people can find. And of course, those will be on the show notes. And I said this before we started recording, but this film is lit is one of the greatest podcast titles I've ever fucking heard. And that's amazing. Appreciate it. Thank you. Well, Brian, thank you so much for hanging out with us today. Thank you for having me.

And well, that's going to do it for our review of hidden secrets. That is not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still have another Tuesday coming up next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Extraterrestrials convince a scientist that they are angels here to protect humanity. But a nine-year-old girl with a special gift sees their secret agenda. We'll be watching The Watcher's Revelation. Okay, that sounds fucking amazing. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 494 to a more subtle close. Once again, a huge thanks to Brian Shilligo for hanging out with us today.

Be sure to check the show notes for links to hear and see more from him. And a perhaps even huger thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help the time by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Scathing Alias, Citation D and D minus and The Scapagrad available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodawfulMovies

to gmail.com. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Giraffes on Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check your life this week for Heathen right. Neelay Bosnick, I'm no illusionist, promising to work hard to earn another check next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Every single person in this movie go on to literally just become Rhonda.

Yep. Anthony and Sally went on to discover that it wasn't church their lives were missing. It was butt stuff. Rhonda spent February of 2025 explaining that while she didn't like the Kendrick Lamar halftime show, she was just glad that it glorified America. Gary definitely didn't become Christian, but he had to share an Uber back with Ranga, so why not? The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2025 all rights reserved.