God Awful Movies - 495: The Watchers: Revelation

Episode Date: February 25, 2025

This week, guest masochist George Hrab joins us for a review of The Watchers: Revelation, a 2013 movie that rejects the theories of Zecharia Sitchin for being a little too grounded and reasonable. === Check out George's stuff on his website. Hear George's podcast right here. If you'd like to see George live, he's got an amazing show coming up: Insightinsound.eventbrite.com March 8th Concert in Bethlehem, PA Insight In Sound: How My Music Works Featuring The George HraBand === If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/ Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

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where Kara and Uncle Josh are now gonna explain to mom that what they just saw could not be an alien spacecraft and could only in fact have been an Angel flying super fast This is the it's the worst Jackie Mason routine If it's physical, it's not real. But if it's not real, then it's not physical. But if it's physical, it could be a thing. It could be going slow. I don't know. Is it even a thing?

God-awful movies. Welcome back to the GameCast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema, because Apple kicks off if you just released Two Hours of Silence. I'm your host, Noah Lushans, and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend Heath, and right Heath, welcome back sir! We've got aliens, very exciting, let's do it. No, we don't, but... Maybe, or do we? Yeah, uh-huh, sorry, they're just disputable.

Fermi's paradox. And sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnik. Eli, how are you doing this fine afternoon, sir? Skeptical Christian cinema, no illusions. It's a very narrow audience, this one. So we're also excited to welcome in a brand new guest masochist today. George Robb is a drummer, guitarist, composer, and he's the host of the Geologic podcast. George, welcome to the show. I consider myself an alien. So does that count for today?

I consider you an angel. So check out aloham. Really happy to have you on. I'm hoping this is the, uh, this is the worst homework you've ever had to do for a podcast guest appearance. Not even close. Oh, okay. Not even close. Oh, okay. Not even close. Really?

Yeah, no, this is like, yeah, nothing else. I should say, nothing else comes close. This is the by far worst. Okay, all right, that's what I thought. You should be very proud, very proud. Although, you know, Steve Novella does make me do pushups. That's a whole separate thing. That's true. That's a whole different thing.

Oh, interesting. I didn't even know that was on the table. You're so hard. Oh yeah, it's awful, it's awful. So tell us, Eith, what will we be breaking down today? We watched The Watchers! Revelation. It's the story of science getting pwned by God's love with facts and logic for an entire

movie. Sure. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the scrappy band of humans versus aliens movie trope, but you wish that it lacked the subtlety and careful writing of M. Night Shyamalan's signs, you will love this movie. What I loved so much about this movie is that the entire goddamn thing is just people sitting around talking about the plot.

It's the laziest written movie I've ever imagined, let alone watched. Right? Well, the giveaway is upfront because first off in the title, it's the Watchers colon revelation, which lets you know, okay, there's a colon, which means there's a string of shit coming. Yes. Truly. Yeah. This, yeah. 100%. This should have been called the Watcher's Colon Exposition.

Yeah, really, really. Because holy crap, it's just like you said, people talking endlessly. It's a certain point, it's an argument, it's a writer very clearly trying to work the shit out in his own head on paper, yeah. And then just pulling something out of his colon, yeah. Yes.

Plus the dialogue has more pauses in it than like Joe Rogan watching the Zapruder film. Oh my God. Oh my God. I watched it at 1.5 speed. It is 90 minutes too long. Yup. Yup. All right, so is there anything you guys

want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to go with best worst reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. The very first two that'm gonna go with best worst reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. The very first two that I got when I clicked on this on Rotten Tomatoes. The first one was worth watching until the end. Four stars out of five. Boy, that is a damned by faint praise, right?

Yeah. Worth watching until the end. The second review I saw was don't watch made me physically violently ill. Oh. 0.5 stars. I've, huh. Physically violently ill, interesting. I didn't have that.

I was gonna go with Best Wars Computer Interface and I'm not going with the magical bullshit one that the little kid built. I'm going with the voice activated one that we get in this movie that just gives you like brief character bios of whoever you ask about. Starts ordering stuff on Amazon. Yeah, I love that a lot.

I'm gonna go with best worst eventual conversions. So this is a Christian movie, right? Which means that everybody has to find Jesus at the end. Otherwise the audience starts screaming and grandma rolls out of her hospital bed. And the Christian conversion in this film is literally a guy being like, I mean, yeah, sure. Fine. It's worse than last week's. Yeah.

Everyone agreeing to do one vegan meal whenever we travel together. Can we stop talking if I do it? Okay. Fine. Do you have a best worst for us, Joe? I think for me, best worst is both best and worst looping ever. Because just about 97% of the lines in this film are overdubbed. And at the beginning, it's like, oh my God, it's looped. It's looped. It's looped. So that by the end, you're actually enjoying the fact that the lips are just barely lining up with what's being said.

Once in a while, they'll nail a word and you'll just be like, oh, you guys know. More loops than Six Flags Orlando. It's fantastic. All right. Millie Vanilli's in this movie. Cool. Interesting. All right. Well, if we wait too long, George is going to find a way to escape. So we're going to keep the break brief and when we come back, we'll dive into all the actors talking about the plot that is The Watcher's Revelation. You okay? That's the third time you've sneezed since you came over. Yeah, sorry. My allergies are terrible this year. When's the last time you changed your air filter?

Are you supposed to change those? Yeah, man. Look, look, it just like it slides right out and you change it. Oh, okay. How's it going? And oh dude, that is nasty. Yeah, sorry about that. I gained sentence around 2011 maybe 2012 hard to tell you know A lot right the year. Yeah. No, sorry. I just, I didn't realize. No, no problem, man. I get it. Many homeowners don't remember, don't have time, or can't find the right size filters.

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Hey, real quick before you guys go. Yeah, sure, man. What's up? Kill me. Oh, I don't. I don't see. Please. I'm afraid that I'll be too afraid to ask if we talk about it.

I was just gonna put you out by the recycling. Oh yeah, no that's cool too. That's cool too. Sorry. It's fine. And then what'd you say? Oh, I said the NFT hasn't lost its value, it's just in a market low. Market low? I told my mom the same thing. Right guys guys You got to hear this. Hey, man. What's up? You guys remember my cousin Steve? Yeah. Hey Steve. Hi Steve

Oh, hi, so tell him what you told me about the aliens I was just explaining that one of the things people don't understand about the belief that aliens have visited our planet Is that the kind of interstellar travel they're describing is highly unlikely. But I thought the aliens just had like super advanced technology. Right, but like they know we have cell phones and radio towers. Wouldn't they send a signal before they flew like millions of miles across space in a physically impossible vehicle to reach us. I guess so, yeah. And a bunch of vehicles that are described silent,

super fast, et cetera, even with advanced technology, they defy the laws of physics. Defy physics? Guys, do you know what this means? What? Aliens? Must be demons trying to trick us into thinking they're aliens. We totally have to make a movie about this.

No, that's not where I was going at all. Demon Aliens! I'm going to get my laptop right now, guys. Hey folks, Noah here to tell you that we've now officially joined the Creator Accountability Network. CAN is a nonprofit dedicated to reducing harassment and abuse through ethical education and a system of restorative accountability. We joined because we care about the safety and well-being of our community members.

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Help us build safer communities together. And now, back to the show. And we're back for the breakdown, and we're going to open up on a quote from 2 Corinthians, for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light. Okay. Or I guess usually translated as masquerades as an angel of light. Yeah.

So he just like fell out of heaven and then did like a revenge thing on God is the story. Like the entire Satan story, it's horrible bosses that got like way out of hand. It's kind of funny. Isn't it though? Also, I just want to point out that making no illusions watch this opening with headphones, which I'm almost certain he had to, is an ADA violation from Misophonia Software. Oh my God, it's a hiss. It's literally microphone hiss,

then a low-pitched whirring noise, then an airplane hanger being ripped open by Godzilla. It might as well be someone drumming their fingers on a desk and a baby that someone won't shut up. Oh my God. Well, at least they use italic papyrus for the fun, which is really fantastic. Yeah. It's classy.

Tells you what you're about to see. And St. Paul was McCartney. Is that right? I also, I always feel sorry for people who are trying to find a relevant, meaningful Bible quote for their thing because there aren't any. So, you know, you get John three 16 constantly because there's like nine good quotes in the whole damn book.

So you're always you always have something like Satan is. And we should also point out that after we get this, we see Satan like fall to the earth and we get our first taste of the level of effects that we're going to be getting with today's film. Hell yeah, baby. Despiser only wishes to this level of technology. So then we check in on a warehouse at the Holloman Air Force Base in New Mexico. I just want to point out, listener, that when Eli originally wrote the notes, he had that written

as Holladabor Space Base. That's what I saw. The word said Holloman Air Force Base. Anyway, yeah. But now I guess the president, this is Eisenhower, I guess. Well, first off, I think, aren't they in the warehouse that the German workers were in for Better Call Saul? Yeah, 100%. 100%. Yeah. I think it's the exact same one.

It's fantastic. Awesome. I thought it was the one where Indiana Jones kept the Ark. Oh, if only. Yeah. But yeah, I guess they couldn't get there. They couldn't afford that. So but yeah, so the Eisenhower is now meeting with this alien ambassador named Adon. Okay. Can we talk about the awkward golf moment?

Because I know we're establishing the plot of the movie here, and that's what we should be talking about. But they're back and forth about golf. I thought about for the rest of the film and they never come back to it. So first of all, he's like, you were golfing. Yes, and he's like, yeah, do you golf on your planet? He's like our games are more Deliberate pause colorful and the fact that Eisenhower doesn't go Hey, man, do you mean fuck stuff? Fuck stuff we can play golf and fuck if you want. I don't know. I thought he was gonna say tell me about your

square dancing And then to make it even more awkward he's like well if you want to go go to the alien The president is like well if you want to go golfing sometime Let me know and I wanted so badly for the alien to be like yes Being like smash cut yeah, so the reason you don't see any black people here oh my god they're allowed so they are allowed don't vaporize the planet and but and by the way like we we know what eisenhower looked like why do they have michael chiklis's stunt double playing great question right question like that's a real person we know who that

was there's a reveal here at the end right where he goes like thank you mr president we're not supposed to realize it's the president until then. And then all of us are like, why didn't he look at it all like Eisenhower? Why don't you just show him from behind, like movies sometimes do when you can't afford to look alike, you know? And why is the president having a meeting

in a supply closet? That's the other question. That's a great question, yeah. You'd think he'd have a nicer place for this. You'd think. Also, so, but add on the, the alien is mad at earthlings for misusing nukes as we enter in his words, the nuclear age. Okay.

Yeah. He says like, your people have entered the nuclear age. The aliens who flew across galaxies, they have a babble fish or whatever for perfect fluent English, but they still can't say nuclear correctly. It's so weird. A lot of really hyper-intelligent beings have trouble with that. It's actually a really, it's a sign of deep understanding of the written language. I also, I thought the, I thought the president looked more like Tom Carvel too.

Oh yeah. He was going to give them alien cookie-puss technology. That's shit. Yeah. That's right in me and Heath's lane, George. I want you to know you are fucking preaching to the Tom Carvel radio commercials. You have found your home. It's the best, right?

If you bring up Saved by the Bell, we're best friends. Hey, for the young people, there used to be an accidental anti-smoking ad on the radio called Tom Carvel, where you would describe the cake shapes he made up the way a patient does right before they're led to the gas chamber. It's a whale. It's a whale of a cake.

Kids don't ever smoke. Love Fudgy. Fudgy, oh, god. Go get boss. So there's also a great moment where the president, because the aliens are like sharing technology to establish that now, right? And the president is like leafing through the technology, all we see is a blueprint

for a tank. Which by the way, it looks like this is from the Lego Robo Riders technique set. Yes, exactly right. And the alien is like, you've used our technology for war to kill each other. I'm like, it's a tank. What the fuck did you think we were going to do with a tank, man? Also, I feel like we had tanks.

I wanted the president to be like, yeah, no, we invented like just a band that makes a thing go. That advanced space technology of like big truck on wheels. Yeah, right. Okay, thanks. Thanks, alien person. We would not have thought of put more iron on it without your help. So but the aliens are breaking. I will. I'm sorry. They're not breaking up with us.

They just need some time. Yeah. You know, to them. Oh, God, we've all been there, haven't we? It's not it's not you planet. It's me. Yes. Yeah, exactly. But the aliens like we'll be back some other time, probably, you know, in the modern day. I just think we need some space while we figure ourselves out.

Yeah, no, exactly. And then he teleports away in a flashlight. Yeah. Well, he teleports away using an important device. Oh, yes. Bring in later. A puck. Yeah.

He's got a little like puck. It's like a fidget spinner that he's playing with during the whole meeting that's on the table. It's a ding dong. Yeah. It's a space ding dong. Space ding dong kind of looks like a paperweight, but with like a couple things on it. And then he zoops away by just like putting his hand vaguely over a paperweight.

And it seems like way too easy to activate that by accident. He's playing with it. Especially when you're fidgeting. You can't stop fidgeting with it. I haven't had a ding dong in so goddamn long now, George. And that's all I'm going to think about for the rest of this record. There's definitely a version of this universe

where like Noah won't stop fidgeting. She keeps teleporting out of the room. Right? Sorry, you should put this over on your side of the table. Yeah. Woosh. I don't even know why you gave me one of these. I'm listening.

So then we get a title screen that I can only describe as the most expensive possible titles that still look cheap. Fuck yeah. Right. So the credits are, we're flying through like Hubble images or whatever and the credit and the names are flying at us. We get the greatest goddamn name I've ever fucking seen. The lead actor in this movie, his name is

Tidus Young Wolverton. That's pretty sweet. Fuck yeah. Hey, we're naming our son Tidus Young Wolverton. I think that'll be fine as long as he doesn't look like the adult version of a cartoon chocolate mascot, right? As long as our son doesn't grow up to be a rosy cheeked cherub,

but in adult form. He looks like the sidekick for Fudgy the Whale from Carvel. Is that a problem? Yeah, exactly. Name Titus Young Wolverton. That's an awesome name. Titus Young Wolverton. He's going to play Pete. But eventually these credits end. We resolve in the present day we're at the Cahokia Mounds in Collinsville, Illinois. Some students are doing an archaeological dig there, right? And this girl's found something pretty interesting.

So this other student, he's got to run and go tell his teacher about it. The professor seems wildly uninterested, right? Yeah, this is where we got our first taste of how the writing works here. Because he goes, Professor, we found something. And he's like, yes, we are archaeologists looking for things. Now you have found something. They do at one point say, let's have to be getting Dr. Jameson, which I thought was like a nice way to just say, you want to get drunk.

Oh, nice. Yeah. Good euphemism possibilities there. Euphemism. Yes. Yeah. But he's found a tablet, which is significant because, according to this movie, the ancient Mississippian Indians didn't have writing. Right. Now, I wrote a bunch of jokes in my notes, podcast listener, about how that's not true. No illusions enforced me that I'm the incorrect one.

So then instead, I have an open question, which is how did ancient Mississippians remember more than like nine things? They made them rhyme. They told stories. There weren't more than nine things back then. You know what? That's fair. That's fair.

Exactly. There was just eight things. Right, right. When we invent the nine thing, that's when you... They used the podcast equipment that they got from aliens, which was cool technology. Oh, there you go. It's all coming together. So, okay. So now we're going to meet this couple in Chestnut Ridge,

Pennsylvania, hiking and camping in the mountains. Now, all we need to happen here is that we need to know that this is a loving couple. They've got a kid, they're out camping and the husband gets zooped by aliens. Right. Which makes it insane that we spend nine goddamn minutes on their banal dialogue here about him shaving. You ever go to someone's wedding and their vows make you realize that they're philosophical zombies who really only love each other in a theoretical sense the way kindergartners

can get married? That's what the dialogue of this scene is. Well the realistic line of hand me your handkerchief, which all 20 year olds say to each other all the time. It's like, oh yeah, it is 1935 after all. Right. Yeah, exactly. Who would be caught dead without their handkerchief?

Without a handkerchief. Okay, thanks. So yeah, so he's like, well, you know, I get better signal down by the river. I'll go call our daughter there. On my Blackberry, by the way, which is modern day. Modern day Blackberry. Yeah. Okay.

So, oh, and during this conversation, they're like, you know, our daughter sure does like going to church with her grandparents. She sure is a very Christian kid and very intelligent. Christians are really smart. Right? We're going to emphasize that several more times in the film, but this is where we introduce it. And then we time cut to sometime later, the wife is packed up all of the tent and everything

is she still waiting for her husband to come back. What does he got abducted by aliens? As she should as a beautiful wife. As she should. Yeah. Get to work. Clearly. The fact that she's not just a skeleton waiting in that lawn chair shows her impropriety, honestly.

So yes, so she's waited long enough and so she goes to look for her husband and she finds there's this stupid fucking moment. She finds his hat and his phone and she's like, oh, where could he be? But he's like, he's four feet away. You would just see him first, wouldn't you? I got to stop reacting to things my eyes have seen 40% of the way up my vision plane and do the full... The full span. The full scan across the entire horizon and then react. And then did you get that he had a beard? Did you see that he had a beard?

Because his beard was there even though the shaving scene was before to make sure we knew he would have a beard in the previous scene. Now he has a beard because previously he was shaving. He cut himself shaving. Did. Did him appear in the previous scene? Now he has a beard, because previously he was shaving, he cut himself shaving. Did you get that? That he was shaving, and now he has a beard, because time has gone by.

Did you get that? Did you get it? Did you get the beard? What I love the most about this scene is that it's like, because that's what they're trying to establish, right? Oh, it's been, you know, he was just clean shaven and now he's got a beard. He's only been gone an hour.

What has happened? But his beard is like very well maintained, right? It's not like the scraggly grew out for a weak beard. It's all trimmed and pretty. Yeah. So he got attacked, we're going to learn in a second, by an alien. A beard growing alien who grew the beard with like time warping on this guy, but then trimmed it nicely for him and put

him back. Yes. Well, it's got to look good when you bring someone back to earth. You want to just, you know, you want to represent your culture in a positive way. I think the beard just is more representational of the relationship that he has with his wife, if you know what I'm saying. Oh, all right then. Yeah.

I was picturing the sort of classic, you know, encounters of the fourth kind scene with the aliens in the probes, and then it flash cuts to just him at a problematic barber shop with alien being like, here's the thing about Hillary, I could never get over. And he's like, okay, I'm going to get back on Yelp. I'd prefer the gossamer from Warner Brothers, you know, humans make such interesting people. Hey, can you just leave the neck? That'd be perfect for me. Yeah, exactly.

So then, okay, so now we're going to cut to the, the archaeology professor from earlier. He's going to see his buddy, Peter, to talk to him about this amazing find that they made at the Cahokia Mounts, right? And again, I know this isn't the plot of the scene, but I do need to dwell on it because it is the thing I have thought about the most. When he opens the door to his friend, he asks him, the usual? Yes.

And he's like, yep. And he brings him a beer. A diet chest of vanilla sarsaparilla. Yeah. It seems to be the usual is like an IBC root beer, sarsaparilla or something like that. Yeah. I mean, Heath drinks every time he comes over.

I don't ask for the, I don't offer the usual as a result. Maybe I should drinks every time he comes over. I don't ask for the you I don't offer the usual as a result. Maybe I should. Maybe I'm missing out. Anna offers the usual and we drink scotch together. That's true. She does and then you guys drink. That's true. Yeah. So yeah so he's like he's like Peter I gotta tell you about this. I had an experience and I'm not really sure what to make of it but he didn't though. He found a thing that went missing. What he'll explain is that he found this tablet which we've seen And he's like, well, you know, I've got a rubbing of it right here right there's the giveaway though

I've had this experience. Let me show you my rubbing. Yeah Really plays like he's trying to talk him into some fuck. No question. Totally It's the first scene of the DVD before the action happens. Yeah. Exactly. The rubbing, the sarsaparilla. Totally. A lot of sex stuff going on. Booze, rubbing, doorknobs. I mean, come on. And then he says to him, this line is so stupid. I apologize, but I've got to dwell on this for a second. He says, you know, what we know of the Cahokia Indians is that they buried their cities. What if they were trying to hide them? This is so fucking stupid. The Cahokian Indians didn't bury their goddamn cities.

They showed up in a place where the city, like old ass cities were and had been buried by time and just lived there. These weren't even fucking Cahokian goddamn cities. It's such a stupid, like you have to misinterpret and misread so much to even write that line. Also, burying is hiding. So like, if that's what they were doing, they did find it. But he's trying to present it like he's this like fascinating historian, like what if, instead of burying, they were hiding?

What if I told you? More pauses. The future. More pauses. Bigger pause, come on. Sorry, the future. Yeah. Wait for it.

He's gone. Is now, I was gonna say is now. I was going to say is now. Well, he said instead of burying their dead, they buried their cities. And I was like, like Detroit? Yeah, right. It's coming up on the bounce. And he goes, Pete, who's supposed to be an expert on both aliens and Sumerian culture, takes a look at it.

He goes, this is cuneiform. And I'm like, no, the fuck it isn't I saw it I put pictures in The goddamn notes of it next to canoe canoe form would be the easiest fucking thing to fake. It's all just wedges Yeah, but the thing we see has Multiple Kurt Vonnegut but holes in it it does so that's like but whole is like the in Their games are so damn colorful It does. So that's like, butthole is like the in this guy's version of... Yeah, in the flame name. That's why their games are so damn colorful. When he's reading the rubbing, to me it's like the worst or best dream theater lyrics.

Oh, okay. Yeah, absolutely. No question. Because apparently Pete can sight read cuneiform. So he's reading it and he's going like, Oh, beware of the Anunnaki. They're coming to get you or whatever. The darkness of the city will go through the sky of the light will be darkness of the sky. Run the sky run.

The moment I heard Anunnaki, by the way, I was like, cool. The movie thinks the Fed is a Ponzi scheme and it's an anti-vaxxer and it's my really good friend And I'm gonna have to talk to it for the next two hours. Yeah, right No, this is Zechariah sitzion bullshit that we're getting they have to explain that the Anakki Anakki are the high gods of the Sumerians, but there's also the a gigi which are the younger cooler gods They're a little bit more hip. They get it. They get they're also there's a quagmire's favorite gods. Gigi. Gigi. Gigi. Gigi. Gigi. Gigi.

Gigi. Gigi. Gigi. Gigi. Gigi. Gigi. Gigi. Gigi.

Gigi. Gigi. Gigi. Gigi. Gigi. Gigi. Gigi. Gigi.

Gigi. Gigi. Gigi. Gigi. Gigi. One thing they had was language. It says fools one. So apparently they used to say fools once and that was their language warning. Okay. What Christian dad leapt to his feet and smashed a hole in a television when the CV said fools, that Dove.org incorporated that into their work.

Somebody, somebody they know. Not none. And the other warning I saw from Dove was that there is the mention to their work. Somebody. Somebody they know. Yep. Yep. Not, not none. And the other warning I saw from Dove was that there is the mention of ancient Sumerian multiple gods, which is obviously... They got to hide that shit from the kids. Yeah.

Right. So, well, and then here's one that will really get the Dove people freaked out. Pete says, oh, you know, that thing from the cuneiform, from the fake cuneiform sounds an awful lot like this thing from the Bible. And Ted, the archeologist goes, huh, the Bible is just another book of myths, you know, so we're supposed to gasp at that. Right.

And the best part is the counter that he's supposed to do that he's like, well, you know, other books, like Enoch, also talk about. Yeah, it's always a good sign when you're referencing Enoch also talk about. Yeah, that's always a good sign when you're referencing Enoch. You mean other books of the Bible. Yes. Right? Dove.org, Enoch, huh?

This scene also starts the nice thing where whenever one of the characters is doing an extended exposition, they're looking off camera and obviously reading. Yes. Obviously reading their lines for the three minutes of the exposition that's happening. Oh, it's delicious. Yeah. Oh yeah, big time.

But so he tells Ted all about the watchers who are the alien gods who watch over us and give us periodic tank upgrades or whatever in case we ever have to fight the Anunnaki. So that's what we're setting up here. And I wrote my notes, Wow. We're tossing out a lot of crazy in a short period of time. It's wall to wall tossing out crazy from here. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Before we leave the house, I don't know if you guys noticed, but like

every good 20 year olds house, he has a photo of Mr. Olson, the shopkeeper from little house on the Prairie on his wall. What are these photos? Like you're 22. What are you putting on your walls? Oh my God. Yeah, go figure the mind of Titus Young Wolverton. Try, try. So, okay. So now it's time to meet Uncle Josh,

the pious old fisherman that lives in a cabin out in the woods, right? How do you know he's pious? Because the scene starts with like, Lou, Lou, Lou, wise old pious Christian guy who understands the universe doing fish and stuff. Lu Lu Lu, my favorite stuff, is wise Christian stuff. He's speaking entirely in sections of Gander Mountain

I would rather not think about. For God so loved the fishermen. Okay, I know how you voted. Yeah, don't you though? Yeah. Just go to the guns. But again, the first 90 seconds is just setting up this whole bear porn vibe.

Yep. Ooh, I felt that. He's like, oh, I'm all by myself in the woods here and completely helpless. It's so lonely here. Yeah. I would choose a man and a bear right now. And then-

It was up to me. I wish someone could stretch something out here for me. Well and then all of a sudden out of nowhere another guy appears and stands insanely close to him for the entirety of their conversation. I know it's just like you're like hey look guys I can only get the camera so far without stepping into the water kind of a thing but the two of them are gonna stand so goddamn close the whole time. If they were any closer, they'd need a condom. My dad says I can use his camcorder, but not if I affect the zoom.

Ethan, I'm gonna need you to sit in his lap. Yeah, and wise Uncle Josh here. He treats this like it's a totally normal thing. A guy like zoops in Yeah, three feet from him. His face is right there. The guy's like, hello! I'm not a secret guardian named Ward, and he's like it's a totally normal thing a guy like zoops in yeah three feet from him his face is right there The guy's like hello. I'm not a secret guardian named Ward and he's like Cool me neither. What's up? I didn't think you were I'm just fishing What did you guys all think when you saw Ethan first appear like what was the first thought that popped into your heads? Cuz I was like that's the guy who's got roofies at the Immediately I was like oh and a 90s porn star is here.

Interesting. What's going to happen next? I'm so boring. I thought I bet he's the guardian angel. Yeah, I thought that's Jesus. That's Jesus. Okay. Look at that haircut.

That's Jesus. His name is Ward. I mean, come on. So you shot a little too high there, but you were in the right, you were aiming in the right direction. Yeah. So, okay. Much like Uncle right, you were aiming in the right direction. Right, right. Yeah. So, okay.

Much like Uncle John. Much like the 90s porn star. Yeah. Shooting a little too high. That's good. Into camera. It's fine. So, but as he's fishing, he suddenly accidentally catches two fish at the same time.

So he's like, hey, you want to eat fish with me? He's like, I thought you'd never ask. So they go inside, they're going to eat fish together. Like, why would they even do, like, why would you add that? Why? Oh, let's, you know, we have to have them come to dinner. Like just one fish, you could share a fish, but no, we're going to magically catch two fishes and then like never talk about it again. Right. Like who has ever caught two fish at once? It's never happened. Well, Jesus is multiplying his fishes. I'm sure.

I guess, but holy crap. Like why would you put that in the script? It's so so unnecessary and and and honestly like back up a little bit from that like why would you change scenes here? They're just gonna go on inside and have another like they're gonna have more of this same fucking conversation So why do we need a second scene at all? We've rented this cabin. We're gonna use the Yeah, it started raining or, yeah, exactly. But so they start talking about Pete. This is Pete's uncle. Pete is the Sumerian alien expert that we just met. And the conversation works its way around

to how Josh believes himself to be both a man of science and a man of faith, since those two things line up so perfectly all the time, why does everybody always put an or there? But Peter doesn't agree with him. Peter has wandered away from the true teachings of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, because he's learned about aliens and stuff. And they set up this incredibly sloppy, like, I knew Peter intro when they met in the scene previously,

but the script will sort of slide in and out of that as the writer chooses, right? Sometimes he'll be telling the story and sometimes Ethan will be like, yes. And also Peter told me that you helped him a lot when his mother died. Yeah. You go now with the plot of the movie. And tag. Well, and so at this point, the movie will set up sort of, I guess it's thesis, right? Cause Josh will be like, well, you know, all of this ancient astronaut stuff is a bunch of pseudoscience.

And I'm like, right, no, it is. And he's like, it's angels from heaven. I'm like, oh no, though. There's also, there's a great accidental moment here where Ethan says, you know, we are in strange times. It will not be long before he comes. That's the actual line. And then the tea kettle goes off, right? It starts whistling. But at the, for like just a second, it sounds like Josh building up for a belly laugh. And what an insane and stupid thing to say that it's like when Eli

gets too excited. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And then Josh walks out of the cabin to look for Ethan and he looks up into the sky. Like you do when you're going to look for a person that just walked out of your house. Right. Yeah. Ethan Batman's away when he goes to check the tea kettle. He comes back and he's like, Ethan, where'd you go? And he looks like two places and then he just looks up in the sky.

He says, we must be an angel. I'm like, you didn't even check the bathroom man. Oh, he's in the car. Oh, okay. That's probably his car. Yeah. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, we've got a break to take, but we're going to keep it brief so that Josh doesn't think we got zooped back to heaven. Hey, Keith, are you connected to the hotel wifi? Yeah.

Okay. Can you look up the menu for the restaurant tonight? Sure. Just let me turn on ExpressVPN. A VPN service? Seriously, Heath, what are you looking for the menu on the deep web? No, Eli, a VPN like the one from ExpressVPN creates a secure encrypted tunnel between your device and the internet. It's just being safe.

Safe. I heard that hackers can still break into your house and hold a gun to your head for your password. So a VPN basically doesn't do anything. Okay, that's a weird specific where you got there. And no, a VPN can't protect your data from everything, but it's a great measure to take for yourself. Like a lock on your door. Whatever. I don't have time to install a double super secret security lock on my computer's master drive or whatever you had to do to get the VPN.

Express VPN is actually super easy to use. You can fire up the app and click one button to get protected. Plus it works on all your devices, phones, laptops, tablets, and more. So you can stay secure on the go. That's why it's rated number one by top tech reviewers like CNET and The Verge. Okay. Well, maybe I'm interested in ExpressVPN. Where do I sign up?

Secure your online data today by visiting expressvpn.com slash awful. That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-VPN.COM slash awful. And you can get an extra four months free. ExpressVPN.COM slash awful. ExpressVPN. Untraceable to everyone on earth, no matter what, forever. Nope. Just a good idea, man. Like a spy ninja.

Sure. Alright, everyone. I call to order this meeting of the screenwriters who have obviously never read their script out loud. Everybody ready? Yeah, I'm totally ready. Alright, who'd like to go first? Okay, I'll go.

So I've got this scene from my comedy. And damn, Chris, you mind reading for me? Oh, sure, sure. When you say throw, do you mean through? I'd have to throw through the rough. It's better when you read that. No, no, I think it's really good. I thought it was hilarious.

Yeah, I liked it. So, Dave, do you have something? Oh, yeah. I was wondering what you guys thought of this dialogue from my TV show. Alan, Chris, do you guys mind reading it? Sure, sure. Are you thinking what I'm thinning? It depends. I'm thinning your thinking. I'm thinking a lot of things these days. Dude, that is literally perfect. No notes, man. That's fantastic. So good. Awesome. Guys,

I'm sorry. I had to cut things short, but I actually have my erotica written by men who have never shown even a passing interest in what women want sexually meeting here in Just a second. Oh I'm actually coming to that. Yeah. Yeah me too actually. Oh is your guys stuff all about weird squirrel butt stuff? Yeah Me too. Okay, nice weird And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action three years later with Ted, the archeologist being held hostage by a gunman.

Okay. And that's what it feels like, by the way, we're 20, we're 24 minutes into the movie and I'm already like, oh, we're three years in. Yeah. It's weird for that angel guy, Ethan, to have bad timing on the advice that he gave, isn't it? Sure. You would think he'd have some all-knowing help there, yeah. But Ted, the archaeologist gets shot. We don't see who shoots him. And then we cut to a high-level classified meeting

with the president. And in this world, the president is a black lady, and I would like to indulge in that fantasy for a little while. Yeah, you and me both, No Illusions. You and me both. But she's meeting with the alien ambassador, Adon, to let him know that they've detected two alien teleportations. She's also meeting him in an AMC cinemas theater. When you look at the lobby.

The president just cannot get a nice meeting place in this world. Cannot get a good meeting place in this world. Forty years later, they're still meeting in these shitty places. It's crazy. So yeah, but the alien explains that these teleportations didn't come from the Igigi. They can only come from the Anunnaki. All right. I just honestly, okay, so I'm a bit of a nerd for Sumerian mythology

and I am a firm believer that Sumerian mythology is forever hamstrung by how silly their language sounds to us. Right? You can't be scared of whom Baba give me a fucking break. All right. So sorry. They do pray to Jerry Lewis though, so it all works out It's an epic battle between good and evil I am So they explained that one of the teleportations was to Ted's house. The archaeologists. The other one was just outside of a paramilitary group called the Soldiers of Light, who've actually unlocked the secret code to alien communication. In any other movie you hear about a goddamn militia called the Soldiers of Light.

You're like, oh, those are the ones that kidnapped the president's daughter or whatever. But yeah, Gretchen Whitmer. Yeah, right. Janet Reno ran a tank into their wall. I remember watching that. No, they want to be persecuted so bad they had to make up evil aliens that work this time. So stupid. I always thought the soldiers of light had half the calories of regular soldiers,

but they give you terrible diarrhea. Oh, yeah. And the aftertaste, it's just not worth it. Lot of elestra in these soldiers. But they are less filling. So yeah, but the president tells the alien that before he died, Ted told Pete about the rumming about the cuneiform, the fake cuneiform. And so that's how we know that Pete is in great danger. So, okay, so then we cut to soldiers of light HQ, which is clearly a fucking loading bay they didn't have permission to

shoot at. And we get my best worst we get this lady, this is Jenny, and she is like using their voice activated computer. Right. But she hears some dogs barking. So she goes to check that out, leaving the computer open and an evil alien demon guy comes in and like fakes her voice Terminator style. I would have loved to be there when that demon had to go back to home base and be like, so I think for this one I'm going to need, you know, my fiery sword for murder and my, you know, instant swoosh abilities. Yeah, yeah, I got it.

Lady voice. I'm going to need a lady voice too. You need a lady voice? Yeah, can I get a magic? I love that they so obviously use that actor's headshot for her computer profile. Yes, very much so. It's like so obviously her headshot, which is fantastic. Well, and the best part of that to me is that he goes like,

I want to look up this lady, Sarah, whatever, and it cycles through like eight or nine pictures before it lands on Sarah's and like, Hey, why would the computer cycle? It's flipping through them. And two, why was it all lady pictures? Okay. So don't question AI. Don't question.

It's a weird process like a man who has not tried to use Siri. Okay, why is this like super smart mainframe computer? It's voice activated. It's super secure. It hears just a dude, like a demon dude start talking and then he switches voices mid-sentence and the computer's like, oh, hi, Jenny. You sounded like a guy. It's cool.

It's cool. I'll get you right in. So weird, you sounded like a demon guy. Wait, we forgot to mention that when the scene starts, it says Hard in Montana, which is I think what they have on their license plates. Right. Hard in Montana. So yeah, oh, come on. You see that, how that works, you see that?

It's a pain in the butt. Ah! Well done, well done. There you go. Amazing. Five points. Way! Well done. Well done. There you go. Amazing. Five points. Way to yes and.

And so, it also, so she, so the alien starts asking about various people in their database and the, the computer just tells you like random blurbs about them. Oh, pulling up all plot relevant information about the following people. Enjoys vanilla ice cream. Yes. What? What does it have to do with what? He asks about the woman and Sarah and he's like, yeah, Sarah such and such lives at such

and such her husband died of cancer from being beamed around by aliens so much. Prefers to use flack as to as opposed to MP3s. Yeah, right. Yeah. Right. And then they're like, and he's like, tell me about the daughter. By the way, this is where we learned that the mother and daughter are Sarah and Kara. Great writing, guys.

But the computer's like, Kara such and such lives with her mom. Her IQ is one hundred and eighty. I'm like, why don't you tell us everybody else's IQs? Are they embarrassed? What? Why? Hey, this is a weird side note, but I do want to dwell for a moment. If you if I may hold me in the light. Why is everyone who lies about having a genius IQ do 180? It's always

180 100% of the time. Oh, see I usually get it late. I usually hear just over two hundreds when people are making shit up. So oh Interesting so I get scammed by like a slightly And I'm like numbers higher than that number is higher than 100, which is as high as you can get on that test. So good for you. I'll prove it right now. Horse TV, something. Man, woman, camera, camera,

iPod. So, yeah. So but the computer also explains it. Not only does it tell us the girl's IQ, it tells us that she's very religious and that that's because of the influence of her grandparents. Why would it know that? And also because she's so smart.

That's a weird Excel sheet they've got boxes in. Yeah, exactly. So then, okay, and then we cut outside where the militia is showing up and all of these guys showing up to flank each other in that long bucket row is she runs out there and she gets the members of Smash Mouth to come help her. Yeah. It's a SWAT team from the government. They're wearing like vans slip ons.

They're just diapros and smashing into each other at the wrong. This paintball team has ruined so many 15th birthdays guys, you know, with their squad tactics. So they all come in, they tell him to freeze. He pulls out a sword from where? Your guess is as good as mine, because he didn't have it a minute ago. From his colon in the title. Yeah, right.

Right. Yeah. Yes. So he pulls out his sword and he's like, and they're like, we're going to shoot you. And then his sword catches fire. And of course they don't have the money or the skill to do the scene that they're promising us here. So then we just cut outside and sort of back away as we hear a gunfire and people screaming.

Well, it's another example of a DEI security hire. Not qualified. But then the alien leaves like they he takes care of the militia or whatever we see him walking away wiping the blood from his fire sword. Hey I have a question about wiping the blood from your sword. I see people do that a lot in movies is that what needs to be done right away activity is it like when you do raw chicken with one of your good chefs? Yeah, probably, yeah. Yeah, it's probably a vicarious disease.

It feels rather ninny-picky for a thing for like samurai films. You're gonna get the hard water spots on it if it dries. Yeah, right, right, exactly. Well, there's also that whole demon salmonella thing, which is pretty expensive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Be careful of that. So, meanwhile, okay, so we have this completely useless scene of Pete arriving home and having

a glass of milk. It's so weird. Which right away, like, can you imagine the morning breath on this guy like by his nightstand is a glass of milk. Just gargling some cottage cheese. What are you, four? Are you kidding? Yes.

Can I tell you guys? I couldn't remember. I know we've talked about this and I have a hot take about it. I don't remember what mine is. I was like, good. Yeah. No, I don't. I don't remember it either. So, okay.

But now they're what they're trying to do is like create some suspense because there's someone in the house with Pete, right? But we're not so we're just seeing a silhouette as somebody moves away and you know, that kind of stuff. But it turns out ultimately that it's the guardian angel from earlier who's just watching him, right? Yeah, and breathing heavy in the corner. He just pours out the rest of the milk.

Yeah, right. This is gross. I'm going to wash this. Guardian angel of cholesterol. So then we, okay, so then'm going to wash this. Guardian angel of cholesterol. So then we, okay, so then we cut to the NSA. What, you might ask, but yes, we cut to the NSA and these two NSA officers get an assignment that they've got to go get Pete

and put him in protective custody from the aliens. Okay, so first of all, the movie thinks the NSA is the FBI and we'll be doing a bunch of like protective orders It's just nerds who do cryptography like so stupid, but yeah, they get the presidential protective order for Peter and We see the order for a second. It says occupation professor of archaeology and Urology and I was like what?

You definitely don't mean that of archeology and urology. And I was like, what? Wait, what? Not that. Oh no. You definitely don't mean that. So wait, they tried to type out ufology and it just auto corrected to urology. Yes, yes it did, correct. Talk about a glass of milk. Oh my God.

Jesus Christ. Hey George, if it looks like milk, we should stop the podcast right now and you should go to the hospital, man. Like right now. Oh, okay. That probably explains a lot. Yes.

I love that the guy that's playing the NSA hard ass looks like a T-Mu Ben Affleck. Yes, this is Bast and they know him as by the book Bast. Because he's so by the book. And we always need more new characters an hour into a movie, which is. Oh my God. Yes, absolutely. Please. So main characters, as it turns out. Yes. So then, OK, so now we're going to cut over to Sarah serving breakfast to her daughter and serving breakfast to your daughter.

That is universal Christian movie language for she's a good mom. Right. That's how you know a good mom in a Christian movie. Yes. And if I may step in once again with a thing that is not related to the movie, but that haunts me to my very soul. She gives Kara her cooked pancakes and Kara is like, can I have some batter? She's like, maybe if you're good. And they never discuss why she wants uncooked pancakes. Yeah, it's not like fucking cookies. It's different. She just drinks it?

The movie never... I'm not crazy, right? I didn't imagine that scene. Yeah. It's just like a flower. Oh, fuck, I imagined it. You guys are doing that quiet thing where I imagined a part of the movie again. Podcast listener, come for me.

This is like the shoot from the hip in that movie we watched. Just eating batter and taking like big sips of maple syrup right out of the thing. I don't have time to cook this shit. It did remind me of the greatest breakfast prank I've ever played on Heath, but you have to listen to the Patreon bonus extras over on our sister shows to know. You did. You did enjoy it. Heath hates me as a result.

That's not a lie. It's amazing that the actress that played hates me as a result. That's not why. It's amazing that the actress that played the little girl grows up to be Selena Gomez. I know. Right? Oh, is that what happened? Equal acting skill. You would never see that happening. Yeah.

Stop trying to make me watch Selena Gomez. Thanks. So, okay. So, but then mom looks out the window and sword guy is there, the guy with the fire sword from earlier. So she goes, she, she turns to the kid. She's like, Hey, have you seen anybody like stand around with flaming swords? Like at school or around the house or anything really wanted a flash cut to her, like taking

a math quiz. And she looks up and at the front of the room, there's a guy with a flaming sword. And she's like, Oh, did you guys catch the subtle product placement of this guy's other movie that was sitting on this lady's table? Oh, I did not. Oh, when she goes to get like the gun or whatever There's a copy a DVD copy of this guy's other award-winning Documentary on grieving. Oh, it's very subtle there. I guess it's gonna help us deal with this film. Yeah, right Him deal with his career. Are you trying to recover from my latest movie?

Well, how about the earlier film? And then she just happens to have a loaded Glock 380 auto on her. Where did that come from? In her waistband, she just happens to have this gun as she's serving pancakes to her daughter, who just came off of a Margaret Kane paint. It's amazing.

And only six shots. She takes six shots and runs out. One of those things would have like 14 shots. She was shooting at some beer bottles. That's how she makes the batter. It's a whole special thing. Mom, I want more bullet batter, please. So yeah, so the sword guy yells at her and she pulls out a gun.

The kid looks at the alien and can see his alien-ness, right? She knows an alien when she sees one. So mom empties the clip into him and has no effect, except that I guess it gives Kara a head start running away. Yeah, I think that more people should take advantage of like demon and aliens dramatic pauses in films, right? Because they always feel obligated to do that. Like I let you shoot me and you can see I'm unharmed thing. I would just be like, oh no, blam, blam, blam, still not convinced, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam.

No, no, no, you gotta stand there for a while. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. So mom runs away and I guess, I guess Sword Guy just lets him go. I think I've proved my point here. Yeah, right. So Ethan shows up. I guess maybe he can't attack him when Ethan's there.

Ethan's like base or something. I think that those, those demons have a very strong union. Oh, right. So he's probably at his 15. It's like right off the clock in the 15. That's it. I'm on lunch. There you go.

So, but then like mom falls and Ethan comes to help her up and then she passes out, but then she immediately wakes up and it's another scene and we're like, why the fuck would you have her pass out? Mom mom wake up. We charged the cameras battery So yeah, but so mom wakes up she's like, oh that guy Ethan is an alien and the kids is no, he's a benai Elohim. Yeah, I was pretty uncomfortable with all the Hebrew pronunciation that happens in this movie a lot of, a lot of unnecessary like someone's trying to make me feel welcome in their home. Yeah.

So, so okay. So then we, so she says, I know where to go, mom. You know, I'll meet you in a later scene. So then we cut to Pete. He's showing up at Uncle Josh's cabin in the woods and they have some like fishing dialogue. Well, there's, there's the opening dialogue, which is great, where he says, how are things at the university? And he says, I'm a full professor. And then the uncle says, I know. And I'm like, well, then why the fuck did you ask? Yeah, right? I was testing you

Well, but that's just the thing about this movie though, right like so 90% of the time when characters are talking they are just Expositing right? They're just talking about the plot the other 10% of the time You wish they just get back to talking about the plot because it is so fucking bad, right? Yeah. So, but Pete explains that he's there because he had three dreams last night and he needs Uncle Josh to interpret all three of them in a row. Okay, I wrote this in my notes towards the end of the scene, but imagine how badly written your movie has to be to take three, count them three, unseen dreams to move a character from one place to the other. Well, and also like, why are these unseen? Right? He's like, in dream one, you were like, pointing out constellations to me, you pointed at Pleiades and stuff. And I'm like, why not a doodly-doo? Could you not get the rights to the fucking Pleiades?

Bitch Pleiades. Ethan has a drum circle to get to by 7 PM. So, oh, okay. Well, that must be it. And isn't it like, if you have three dreams in a row, isn't that one dream? I would say so. Yeah. Yeah.

Like what, what, why is this three? Like, no, it's three scenes in a dream. Right. Fine. Yeah. He says. And then and then in dream two, we were playing Scrabble. And I had the same thought. I'm like, well, then no. Then in later in the dream, you were playing Scrabble. And this is maybe the laziest puzzle in the history of puzzles. Right.

Because he's like, I remember we were playing Scrabble and the words on the table were Orion stars, seven, sang, sisters, morning, run, job, Jesus Christ. Script supervisor. And then you made Anunnaki our alien demons, beware Christ is God. So what do you think that means? What do you think that means? Do you think it's about being afraid of growing old?

Well, and then as stupid as this is uncle josh gets it wrong He says no, no, no the last word wasn't job It would have been job and i'm like no because proper nouns aren't valid scrabble words. It would have to be job No, he didn't describe it, but they're having a really bitter fight about that in the middle Oh interesting. Yeah that in the middle. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Later in the dream, you say job out loud and I say challenge that technically. Yeah, that's, that's a proper.

Yeah, right. It's not. And then what does it mean if I'm making out with my mom? Yeah. So, but then he's like, he's like, you know, all of those words appear in this passage that I just happened to have my Bible open to in the book of Job. Yeah. The Bible next to next to his Glock 380 on it.

Yeah, right. Right there, right in his waistband. Yep, everybody's got what they need right up their ass when they need it. And he reads, okay, I'm sorry, he reads from the single most unhinged passage in the entire goddamn Bible. This is a passage that Ezekiel could only dream of. This is the fucking opening the doors of his face seat, like the rant that God gives to Job at the end of Job. That was just it. That's what he's reading from him. I'm like, oh we're getting deep into the nuts today.

If I may quote from that book of wisdom, the great Santini, you want to be the man of the house? Huh? Huh? For the younger members of our audience, we had a book that we read in high school about how your abusive dad will kill himself someday to make it okay. If only. So, and then we get dream three. And we should also point out that none of these are necessary, but in dream three, they

had an argument about whether science and religion were compatible. Yeah, they're not. Nope. They're like almost literal opposites, faith and science. Pretty close. So then, okay, so then we get a knock on the door and it's the NSA here to take Pete into protective custody. And we see as they're doing this sword guy is watching from the woods like oh they got to him too quickly, but

But he's bulletproof and has a fire sword So no, they didn't I think I have a theory I developed a theory at this moment, which is that sword fire demon is shy Okay, I thought maybe he was like quiet quitting. Oh, OK. All right. Oh, sure. Yeah. Or he's honest. Yeah, he does have the minus 15. The black hoodie hides his eyes a lot.

I can see that being sort of goth shy. Yeah, sure. OK. The Department of Demon Efficiency is just doing a lot of firings. I'm not putting a bunch of effort in. I'm probably getting fired. So then so Uncle Josh sees him off. He's like, Oh, I'm sure the NSA has of effort in. I'm probably getting fired. So then, so uncle Josh sees him off. He's like, Oh, I'm sure the NSA has your best interest in mind. I'll pray for you. So they drive off and as they do, Ethan appears behind Josh again.

And he's like, yeah, do you think Ethan tried it for a few hundred years where he would like poof like six or seven feet away and turn a corner and be like, Oh, hello. Here comes Ethan. Oh, gotta do the Batman thing. So okay. So then the NSA take Pete to the motel six, right? And I just, I'm saying it just straight up like that because both Heath and I independently

wrote in our notes, the NSA safe house is a fucking motel. Yeah. I was like, yeah, the Hampton Inn by Sinesta. Yeah, that's great. So yeah, so they bring them in and they tell them about Ted. They're like, Ted got murdered earlier in the movie and he's like, oh, that's a shame. They're like, you know, did Ted do any like cool militia stuff?

And they're like, he's like, no, no, nothing like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he says Ted was a political archeologist or an archeopteryx. Yeah. Yeah. I thought he said apolitical archeologists. Yes.

So like, yeah. As opposed to those polarized archeologists that nobody likes. All of those MAGA scientists. I was gonna say, yeah, reading directly from the fucking firing orders of our current executive Yeah, so you're saying none of the dinosaurs were demon political check. Yeah, right Ted Cruz is coming for you big boy

Big TP pants, that's what we call him here at the office But they yeah, but they tell them they tell him that someone will contact him shortly. Right, he says a government official, and he goes, an official from the government? It's like, yes, that's what a government official is. Yeah. You okay? This wasn't like a Ridley part of what I was saying.

Literally just what I said. I'm not telling you about my dream. This is an actual thing. That's usually the way someone interacts with me before they vomit on my shoes and pass out. You okay? Yeah, right?

And then, okay, then Kara and Sarah show up at Josh's cabin. I guess that's where, I guess we're to believe that that mom just drove the whole way with Kara Google maps in it. You know, just, oh, you know, in 200 feet, you're going to want to be in the right lane. Oh, yes. She's got a 180 wanna be in the right lane. Oh yes. She's got a 180 IQ, come on. Yeah, crazy billionaire remake, it's just that entire drive with Kara being like,

I said soft left. Well, you gotta be more specific. Hold on, I'm gonna call the angel. Hey, Ethan, drop a pin real quick. Yeah, right, right. All right, so but they get there, and the mom's like, are you sure this is the right place? Because we just pulled up to some buddy's fucking house in the middle of the woods.

And she's like, yep. And she runs out of the car. And what she's been told to do by the director is to physically run into Josh and to the care of the actor playing Josh. But she hasn't been told not to stare directly at him as she runs towards him. So you just get this fucking amazing wide-eyed run smack into the guy like she meant to tackle him but forgot kind of thing. Which is also the most physical contact that actors had probably in six months. Oh, that's true.

Yeah, that's probably true. Yeah. He can't hog. He's too manly for them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Here's the thing though. They've never met Kara and Sarah. It's so stupid They've never met uncle Josh

Ethan set this thing up and like guided Kara to find this cabin So the angels plan which would be God's plan I suppose to save the world in this epic battle between good and evil with nuclear weapons and the US government involved is connecting up an old fisherman guy with a pretty smart nine-year-old. Yes. Not telling them a plan, making it so like they can just sort of figure something out. Yeah, they, yeah. That's how they made YouTube.

That's fair. So, okay, so but they meet and they both know Ethan the benai Elohim. And then we cut back to the motel sex, right? Which by the way, whenever I hear Ben Elohim, I always think of like the Yakety Sax song playing beneath the Benny Hill sequence. Oh, nice. It's the Benny Elohim. All right. That's good. That much better Bible that we're writing here

So, okay, so we cut back to the motel six a dawn the alien ambassador appears to Peter in a blinding flash of light Right. I wanted him to be like, oh Motel six cool. Yeah, right through the thought, you know, honestly, the president meets in places that are way shittier than this, you'd be amazed, you would think. When you're here, you're a flash of light. Yeah. I'm not going to sit down. Right, yeah, yeah.

I want like a black light before I sit on anything. But then we get like two interwoven scenes here, right? So in one scene, Adan the ambassador is telling the story, doing a bunch of exposition to Pete. And in the other scene, Uncle Josh is doing a bunch of exposition to Sarah and Kara. Now to make this maximally stupid, the alien is lying. Right, so the exposition doesn't even line up.

Right. The alien is telling Pete a lie and Uncle Josh is telling Sarah and Kara that the aliens are telling lies about being aliens. And kind of sort of spoilers, but I'm not kidding. What? 45 seconds before the end of the movie, two characters will clarify that for no fucking reason whatsoever. It's like, by the way, um, remember that scene earlier where you were trying to figure out what the fuck was happening in the movie?

That was a trick trick. Yeah. I got you for watching our movie. Smoke. Gotcha. And then the dude is explaining this device, this ring ding that he has this interstellar ring ding, which he calls an interspace transporter, but he calls it a NIST instead of an INST or an ITST.

Yes. I mean, if it's an inter... I rewound it to make sure he said NIST. He says NIST every fucking time, yes. And they don't fix it. But later on, they call it an ITS or something. An ITS, yeah. So they never fix it.

Yeah, an interspace transporter. I-T-I-S-T, maybe, but not a NIST. Yeah. Way to go, Alien. Well, this is the same guy who said nuclear. And then later on, when he tries to pronounce Cahokia, he pronounces it Kya-Kya-Hokan or something like that. I think he says internaki too, instead of Anunnaki. Yep. Yep. Internaki. He goes for Sumerian at one point and he gets Sumerian, like he's dealing with Conan the Barbarian.

He's the George W. Bush of the... Yeah, exactly. Fake angel guys. It's hard to put food on your family. So yes, no, you know what? English is not his first language. Fool me, don't get fooled again. So...

Shame on, shame on angels. Yeah. So... For the younger members of our podcast audience The president used to be much better spoken his name We used to we used to think that was the worst it could be yep, we sure did Good time I would good gargle so many animals balls W Bush

President again, can you imagine can you imagine like your imagine like your time traveling self going back to you in 2007 being like, no, no, no, you're going to, you're going to pine for these. No, no. You remember those miss me yet billboards that they put up with a, oh yeah. Yeah. I do though. Now if time traveling me does anything but kill me, then he's not in it to win it. Yeah. So well, there's a lot of people time traveling you could go, I just have to beep it all out.

So, okay. So, but we get this very long scene where we learn that the aliens are lying about being aliens. They're actually demons from hell. And it is entirely unclear what their end game is. Right. What's the point? Yeah.

And will never be described, by the way. No one will ever... No. They'll never do like an evil monologue. They'll just get caught and as though it's in some kind of demon alien game of manhunt, the minute someone figures it out, they'll be like, I'm fine. I guess I'm leaving. Yeah.

We're done. Play the Frank Stallone right. We're done. Play the Frank Stallone song. We're done. Also, the story that the alien is concocting for Pete is just fucking nuts. It's so fucking stupid. I could not summarize it. Like, I literally, I sat here for a while going like, well, it's my job to summarize this.

I should at least have some kind of indication of what nothing I got. Nothing for this. Yeah. I think he tried to describe, addin did try to describe to Peter why his friend, Dr. Jameson maybe got killed. And he claimed that like Dr. Jameson is actually evil.

And there's like these lucrative government contracts that he was trying to get like archaeology. Yes, for archaeology. Yes, those cash cows. Oh, it's the political archaeology. So yeah, Musk has canceled all of those ones now. But yeah, yeah. Right. So and then we cut back, we end this at the cabin where like a cheap ass effect floats

through the room. We can't even tell what they're fucking going for. Everybody runs out of the room and there's a UFO in the sky and it zips away. Yeah. And the purpose of this is so that the Christians who made this movie can do the dumbest debunking I've ever heard. Yep. Did you guys notice, by the way, that whenever a dramatic scene is about to happen,

a dog barks. Yes. This happens like four times, because there's no other way to explain. You probably couldn't afford a soundtrack. You're like, oh, just have a fucking dog bark. That'll set them up fine. They do, they go back to that well so many times.

Four times a dog barks. They'll be like, oh, a thing is about to happen. I better look out the window and see what's going on. We did the kettle, but it sounded like we were laughing at ourselves. Yeah, right. Right. Yeah. It's the canine school of script writing.

It's amazing. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, that's the kind of info dump where afterwards you need to flush and open a window. So we're going to give it a minute to air out. But first, let me give Act 3 the hard sell. Will Pete serve literally any single function in this movie? Would the action play out precisely the same if you just removed him? What kind of human being finds this film

compelling? Find out the answers to some of these questions in less. We'll be return for these still just sitting around talking about the plot conclusion of The Watcher's Revelation. Alright, I'll show you a thing or two, Mr. Mann. Eli, what are you doing in Heath's room? What are you doing in Heath's room? I'm automating Heath's savings. Heath, wake up.

They're body voting. Tell Eli about the savings thing. Oh, yeah. I pay Noah to come into my room and steal money out of my wallet as a kind of automated savings. It's pretty great. Okay, but Heath, if you want to automate your savings the easy way, why don't you just try Rocket Money?

What's Rocket Money? No fair. You're supposed to be sleepy. Have more night terrors, man. Get good. Yeah, no, that's fair. Whatever. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Plus, the new Goals feature automatically saves money for you, so you don't have to

think about it. Pay off credit card debt, put away money for a house, or just build your savings. Rocket Money makes it easy. I don't know. Will it actually save me money? Rocket Money has over 5 million users and it it saved a total of $500 million in cancelled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's premium features. Alright, you know what? I'm sold. Where do I sign up?

Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to rocketmoney.com slash awful movies today. That's rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. Rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. Alright, but Eli, that still doesn't explain why you are in Heath's room. Oh, I sneak into his room at night and slap him for his many and varied slites against me. That doesn't wake him up. Eli's a very light slapper. Like a butterfly's kiss? Butterfly kiss, exactly. Where, where am I?

You're in hell, sinner. Get ready to burn in lava forever. Oh no! Hey, Abadna, you got a second? Yeah, sure, Satan. What's up? Wait, sorry, I thought you were going to put me in lava. I will.

I will. Just give me like five minutes. Oh, just feels like it's not hell if I get a five minute warning. Yeah, anyway, how can I help, Satan? So I got a new plan to corrupt the humans and I was wondering if I could run it past you. Yeah, shoot. Okay.

What if we pretend to be aliens, make contact and then provide them a bunch of futuristic technology? For what? I don't know. We would get inside the government, make people look at their phones more or something. Seems a little indirect. You know, I didn't ask you for notes. Okay. He's got a point though. Right. I mean, can't you just have people sell their soul? Also,

why do you have advanced technology? I don't know. I tinker in my free time. Okay. Okay. I mean, to to me it seems a little roundabout like Top of my head. I think there are better uses of your time, but I guess if you want to do it go for it sure Okay, I'll try it but like not you know won't be my main thing like a side project No exactly exactly like a side project all right great talk Okay, are you gonna dip me in lava? Yes. Okay lava More like eternal damnation minus five minutes. Sorry what nothing I said, oh no lava

And we're back for still more of this shit we're gonna rejoin the action with Ethan waking Pete up at the motel six He's falling asleep with his Gideon's open beside him. Do we have to do we're going to rejoin the action with Ethan waking Pete up at the Motel 6. He's fallen asleep with his Gideons open beside him. Do we have to? Do we really have to? Yeah, we're almost there. It would be a shame to leave. We're so close. We didn't come this far just to come this far. Speaking of, there's nothing better than sleeping in a hotel and all of a sudden a person is next to your bed and they say, wake.

Wake. You need to come with me. Heath gets it. Also like, we cannot overstate the pedo vibes from this guy. He's just got this very creepy, what are you doing there little girls to everything that he says. Yeah, he's on his fourth panel van. Yeah, right. Exactly.

So, but he's like, he has super angel powers. So he sneaks Pete past the NSA guard that's watching over his motel room. We don't even get to appreciate the like, because they turn invisible and they walk down the hallway. They don't even walk past the guard. Like the guards not even in the scene. They're just walking down an empty hallway.

Yes. Like what's the point? the scene. They're just walking down an empty hallway. Yes. What's the point? At least have that sequence where they magically go past the guard. But no, we can't do that. I like to imagine that there was no guard there and Ethan was like, I'm going to zoop us anyway. I can do that. I'm just going to...

You just caught him on a bathroom break. He's like, well, this is embarrassing. I've got five of these zooms a month. I don't carry over. They don't carry over. They release the vegan cheese at all the Taco Bell's in the country for a little while and so I used a bunch of my Zoops on bathroom. We have fun. But this is also we're gonna we're gonna jump back over to the cabin

Where Kara and uncle Josh are now gonna explain to mom that what they just saw could not be an alien spacecraft and could only in fact have been an angel flying super fast. This is the it's the worst Jackie Mason routine ever. It's not physical. It's not physical. It's not physical. It's not physical. It's not fast.

Am I going fast? Are you going fast? If it's physical, it's not real. But if it's not real, it's not physical. But if it's physical physical it could be a thing. It could be going slow. I don't know Is it an upright? Oh shut up. It's so awful It's like it's the movie version of you're in an argument on Facebook and someone joins on your side Who's a fucking crazy? Yes Absolutely, here's the thing about what they put your blood every time you use AI

You're not helping. You're not helping. I appreciate it. Dial it back. Maybe maybe just like do like a hype man thing. That'd be great. Right. Yeah. Or just like thumbs up underneath mine. Maybe just a thumbs up on my posts. Well, because what's going on here?

What we're actually hearing them, the argument they were making is that the UFO doesn't like conform to the laws of physics and therefore it couldn't be alien spacecraft, therefore it has to be magic. Because magic doesn't have to fall. If there's no sonic boom, how could there be a boom? If there's not a boom, it's going to be fast. If it's not fast, it's not slow.

If it's not real, it's not physical. But how could the boom? If it doesn't go boom, I go boom, you go boom, we all go boom. She says, well, it did make a sound. He goes, uh-huh, a hovering sound. I'm like, what the fuck is a hovering sound? And again, that is supposed to lead us to, correct me if I'm wrong, that's supposed to lead us to wings.

Angel wings, obviously. She's supposed to slap her head like she could have gotten a V8 and go, oh wings. Yes, angel wings. Yes. And the whole thing is supposed to be wings. Why wouldn't it be wings? What else could it be? It's got wings, it's got wings.

What else? You got the thing, it doesn't make a sound. It's a flapping, it's a flipping, it's a flapping, it's a flipping, it's angel wings. And the whole thing is supposed to be Uncle Josh being like, yeah, I'm a man of science. Of science. So let's think about the physics of it.

It must be angel magic because the physics, the like. It has to be magic. I still want to see that writer's room just like when they got, we're like, Oh, this is gold. Oh my gosh. We've, we've got those atheists in a corner now. This is fantastic. Oh, wait, cause you know, the rest of the movie was written around this scene. This is what they were working towards the whole time. That's how they sold it. That's how they got all those churches to give all those basements for the, for the scenes in the, in the time. Yeah. That's how they sold it. That's how they got all those churches to give all those basements for the scenes in

the beginning. Yeah. Big marker in the margins. Checkmate. Underline. Underline. Underline. All right.

So meanwhile, Adon is meeting with the president, right? He's got some good news. He spoke with the Anunnaki Homeworld. That's Nibiru, by the way. And they promised not to invade anytime soon So you can let Pete go no need to have him in protective custody Anymore can I say it feels like at this point the demon pretending to be an alien Has gotten caught up in his old world building like Patrick Rothfuss

No, I did I did tell you the Anunnaki were coming last week when I wanted to go get that vegan Taco Bell cheese. They're in a war now with the floor ceiling. What? No, don't write it down. These carpet people. Why do you have a fight? Stop remembering what think I say.

It's the sanitized for your protection angels. They're called the AMC logo. So, well, and here's the fucking dumbest thing about if you try to make sense of any of this, right? You remember when you like first like it first occurred to you what the Joker's plan in the Dark Knight

must have been? Like what Knight must have been like what that must have looked like on the blueprint or whatever. Like if you try to do that and try to diagram out what the fuck add on is doing here, there is no goddamn way to make it add up. Right? He's the one that told him to pick Pete up. He can appear to Pete any fucking way.

Why the fuck would he need to pick him up and then lie to him to get him to pick Pete up. He can appear to Pete anywhere. Why the fuck would he need to pick him up and then lie to him to get him to let him go? And why do they let him go? What does he do? I have a theory and I want to say it with an open heart. I think that Adan is bored. I think he poked gay people with a pitchfork for like 2000 years or so and then he was like, Oh, I would love to still be doing that. Let me tell you. But I've got this side project going that he's like, I get to meet with the...

Just like a comedian trying to challenge himself by being like, So the Holocaust, let's start there. I will dig myself out of this. It's a fun game. I think a Don is like someone's son and like some boss's son. Oh, there you go. You know what? There's this weird Earth thing. Go to Earth and just, yeah, do some kind of a plan there. Just get, you'll be great.

There's a box of crayons. Enjoy. Go to town. That makes more sense. Okay. All right. So, okay. Now the NSA, they go to the Motel 6 to let him go, but it turns out he's missing. He's disappeared. Again, poor Diaz. Diaz is supposed to be watching the room and Diaz just... They're gone. I felt so bad for Diaz because, you know, you're dealing with angel magic. What are you gonna do? Yeah, no, right. He had no shot at this. And and it's like, because the boss shows up, Basta shows up and he says, when's the last time you saw him?

He's like, oh, 45 minutes ago. He's like, no, you're supposed to check him on it every half hour. And we're like, when he's sleeping, apparently. Yeah. And and he's disappeared. And he's like, and Basta's like, oh, you that's how you screw up. And I'm like, well, it wouldn't have mattered if you checked him 15 minutes earlier, he still would have disappeared. Used angel magic. It was angel magic. There's nothing he could do about that There's nothing worse than when your boss like corrects you on something and it happens to be the time that goes wrong

Yeah, I know I missed I misapplied the soap dispensers and they blew up and created napalm. I get it Craig You're 48 man. Yeah, and the NSA're 48, man. Yeah. And the NSA guy's like, he's probably... Thank you, George. I like that a lot. The NSA guy's like, he's like, well, you know, you're probably, they probably went back to Josh's cabin. And I'm like, well, they'd have to be idiots to go back to the exact place where you picked

him up the first time and just stay there, wouldn't they? Boing. So we cut back to the cabin. Smash cut to the cabin. It's like how if you have a cat that gets away sometimes, sometimes that cat will also just sometimes be at the backyard later. Yeah, right.

So, but okay, before he gets back, we have to shoehorn in geocaching. Yes. And in order to do that, we have to shoehorn in geocaching. Yes. And in order to do that, we have to shoehorn in fucking Kara's super future computer that she built. Hologram computer. Her holo computer. I'm like, no, it's not holo, it's full of shit.

What are you talking about? Oh, holo computer. That's right. Oh, holo computer, really? What did they think was missing from geocaching that they felt the need to invent holo computers in their cinematic universe? When you buy that app in Final Cut Pro,

you're gonna use it. So we can do this hologram thing, we're gonna use the goddamn $100 add-on that we used. I think a lot of this movie was written around making sure he got his money's worth out of Final Cut Pro. Yeah, no, that's fair. There's a fight scene later where they just basically of this movie was written around making sure he got his money's worth out of Final Cut Pro. Yeah, no, that's fair. There's a fight scene later where they just basically just go through all of the effects

alphabetically. I see some pastor in a coffee meeting when they're trying to get funding for this going, I don't care what's in the movie. Just at some point, I want a screen you can see through. Yes. At some point, I don't care how it's in, I want a scene, I want that like Iron Man kind of thing. At some point, work it in. You get my thousand dollars if you work it in. Yeah, right. And these hologram moments never work in movies.

They always pop up like a map of, even in Marvel movies like you're talking about, they pop up a big map and everybody's like I can't really see the the back part I don't under right because it's see-through. I'm looking at a bunch of fucking trees Why don't we just have a regular goddamn screen? That would be so much better Even if you had a see-through screen, you'd want to black it out for this It's so dumb but yeah, but she's like she pulls up her hologram computer and Uncle Josh says, wow, I didn't think they had things like this. And she's like, I built it.

I have a genius 180 IQ. Okay. I don't know if they still calculate IQs the same way as they did when I was a kid. When I was a kid, having an 180 IQ at the age of nine would have meant you're as smart as the average 16.2 year old. Right? That's not build unseen future computer levels of intelligent. That's know how to calculate that fucking number intelligence. At least smart enough to be like holograms not going to help at all.

Because I've seen. Well, right, right. I might be an outside the box thinker, but I still think IQ is really important because it tells you who at this party You don't want to talk It's like a Mensa t-shirt yeah, right exactly just above 200 you say My wife is about to be kicked in the shit, so I have about to be kicked in the shit. So I have to go do that. So, okay. So then we got to the NSA agents. They're driving out to the cabin, but they'd like to talk about the plot a little

bit before they get there. We'll talk about aliens, whether or not the government's hiding them. Oh, this is this is when you get a great shot of the team who done Affleck's ear and you can see the earring hole that's in his ear. Oh, I missed that. Oh, it's great. It's like, boom, there it is. Like, look, we'll give you the role.

Just you got to take the earring. There's a pass there that we're not discussing. Oh, yeah. We were. Yeah. So, okay. So then Pete gets to the cabin and him and Josh and Sarah and Kara all sit around the table talking about the plot some more. They sit around the table which has literally three coffees, one giant glass of water,

and five cookies. Oh, interesting. Just randomly placed like, oh, we're having this kind of talk. Three identical coffee cups, one gigantic glass of water for the little girl, and five cookies. Because, you know, that's what you do when you talk to people. Josh is a good host. He's got some... Yeah. Guys, how are we dividing up these five cookies? Like should it be based on who's the hungriest or just even splits? That's the problem.

What are we doing? Because we're going to want to give it to the kid but do you think about it? She needs it the least. She's the smallest. Maybe they're waiting for Elijah. Like literally. Oh, maybe Ethan wants one. Yeah. So yeah, but then as they're talking, they start discussing how that teleportation machine that Addon has, that doesn't line up with the laws of physics either. So that's got to be angel tech too. It's so funny. He's like,

preposterous. He's teleporting between the spiritual dimension and the physical one. And everyone in the movie is like, yes, that's a much better explanation. Rumble, He's teleporting between the spiritual dimension and the physical one. And everyone in the movie is like, yes, that's a much better explanation. Rumble, ramble, ramble. Right. Well, that's the thing is because like the argument that he's made because he's like wormholes. Why that wouldn't make sense.

You'd have to rip open a wormhole in two different places. It would take an enormous amount of power that somehow you'd have to connect them and they'd only stay open for a fraction of a fraction of a second. And like Morgan nodding along going, yeah, man, movies generally just kind of like scoot past all that. And then, but is there for is angel dimension. So but just then there's a knock on the door. Uncle John, despite the fact that they're now wanted by both the NSA and Satan, the

Prince of Darkness, he just answers the fucking doors. I wonder who that could be. Maybe it's a pizza. Did anybody order a pizza? But no, of course it's the NSA guys. So before we can see what they want, we got to check in on sword guy who is checking in with Satan, I guess, like once a week, he's got to like check in and do like a file a report.

Some kind of super demon. You have 200 words to describe why you're useful here. How about that? Feels like a real micromanage situation, right? And let's just like I mean you put a touch base on my calendar So I boofed over here. Okay. Well, yeah, do you have any forward-thinking idea? You're reading from whom we move cheese right now? You can just... The big Satan guy says, Neil. I wanted him to say, no, it's Fred. I've been working here 10 years. You don't know my name?

Jesus. Not Jesus. Sorry, Satan. And we see my favorite detail in the whole fucking movie right here. We see this guy's sword and the handle, the hilt and the like part of the blade towards the handle there all covered in electrical tape. Hell yeah. Which means that A, the blade flew out at some point during filming or B, that sword

has such a distinct He-Man theme or whatever that they couldn't otherwise use it or C, and this is my guess, both of the above. Yeah. There's a little tag that says 699 party city on it. It's not great. Oh, I thought they had to cover the big Red Bull sign that was on that. Yeah, right, right, yeah.

So yeah, but he explains that the guy got away, but he's gonna get him eventually. Yeah, how long? It's a rather personal question, isn't it? It is. So then we get the NSA partners, they have now, they've interviewed Pete and Sarah and now the girl is going to interview Uncle Josh while Bast turns the screws on this little nine-year-old girl without her mom present. I don't think it's going to work. She is very intelligent.

She's pretty of IQ. I hear yeah Okay, so while they are interrogating her daughter without her present Sarah and Pete have a way too relaxed conversation at the table Like so are you single So who I always like this fun icebreaker who in your life died that is most relevant to the plot Mine's my mom movie cancer what death defines you Cancer my husband had movie cancer caused by aliens, which means he had movie cancer caused by demons, which is super funny He's the demons just being like, ooh, we gave that guy testicular cancer.

Oh no. Demon radiation. Yikes. Let's see dead husband and are you watching Severance? Oh, you're missing out. Oh, you're going to love it. I'm telling you, you got to give it a shot. So but Pete explains that he believed in aliens for a long time, but Uncle Josh always

managed to poo-poo his ancient alien theories, and it turns out Uncle Josh was right. Yeah, no matter how many times my nephew blocked me on Facebook, he just kept responding to every photo with an unrelated argument. It really meant the world to me. And eventually it broke through. Yeah. So, but then the woman comes back. I don't think she ever gets a name, but NSA lady, she comes back and she's done interviewing Josh, but where's NSA man? He's kidnapped Kara. Twist.

Yeah. And Sarah, at this point, she offers up a, oh, my baby, that is so unconvincing that there was a part of me that was like, oh, I bet she's in on it. It's just that she's a bad actor. No, she's just a bad, but I had the exact same impulse. I was like, ooh, the plot, no, the acting thins, the plot yeah so they're like oh how are we ever gonna find her and uncle Josh says through geocaching right we introduced geocaching which means that she's gonna have some kind of a GPS track runner I'm like she could just have a phone yeah the holographic camera is so unnecessary. Yeah. No, she's going to have a poker chip stuck in her neck.

They pull this thing out of her neck, which is like, okay, that's probably very comfortable. What an awful tag. She just walks around like that all the time. That's weird. So yeah, but Uncle Josh says, Hey, you go after her. You know, Pete, Sarah, you go after her. I'll man in the chair with this shit and talk you guys in as I get updates. Right. And then I'll show up after the action is over.

Follow the evil NSA guy who's working with maybe an army of bulletproof demons with flame swords and then we beat it out of them. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. But she doesn't afford tourists. So yeah, right. It evens out. Right. Right, exactly. Exactly. Yeah, but she does have a Ford Taurus. So yeah, right. It evens out. Right through a flame sword, those things. Yeah. So Bast, he takes Kara to the Satan warehouse, the one where the sword guy was earlier, and Kara sure does give him a what for, right? For taking him all the way out here. Sword guy shows up and he's like, you fucking idiot. She had a GPS strip on her the whole time. This is where he takes the poker chip

out of her fucking throat. Or whatever the hell that thing was supposed to be. And then he burns it with his fire powers, right? He just incinerates it with his bare hands. Yeah, and the movie acts like that matter. That's nothing unless you go somewhere else now. Right, because yes, exactly. We've dealt with like four movies that didn't understand this concept recently.

Yeah, I also I want you guys to keep in mind that he has incinerate things with his hand powers this for the rest of this movie and always has. Right. So and then like so bass is like, so, hey, so what are you going to do with this? This little girl. And I'm like, well, probably incinerate her with his hand powers, man. I mean, come on on you had to know he goes okay well let me let me confess to murder real quick before I leave I killed Ted the archaeologist that was me yeah and he might as well say the archaeologist yeah from earlier

in the movie is a page 44 turns out he's not a political. He was quite political. Yeah. And dead. So, but Bast walks off and then Kara and Sword Guy have a little tete-a-tete. She says, you know, I know Banna the Slayer when I see him. And I'm because of the hundred and eighty IQ or are there collectors cards? No, she doesn't she has She has all the early albums. Oh The first band of the Slayer records are way better than like the third and the fourth ones Yeah, no interesting before they sold out I've heard that I've heard the episode and I just want to take a second to say that like I look I Love a cinematic universe as much

as the next man. Isn't that right, Carl? You absolutely do. But like, if my cinematic universe was not true stuff around what I believe to be the perfect truth about the universe, I'd be very nervous about that, right? Why do Christians feel like they can just make up a D&D campaign about the truth of salvation? Yeah, that's a great point. Well, you just described the Bible.

Yeah, right, right. So yeah, so she talks a little shit to sword guy, and then sword guy knocks her over. Yeah. And then knocking her over stun is hilarious because okay, so this is the direct writer, director's daughter, right, that's playing this role. And they didn't know how it is that movies knock over little kids and don't hurt them, right? So we got to like her midway knocked over and she just sort of slowly lays down. They're on concrete, right? They're in this fucking warehouse. So I'm good, I guess.

Right. Of the options this guy could have explored, I'm glad it looks really fake on camera Right. Yeah, exactly. We are out of camera angles. We can't figure this out Yeah, but then okay, so but then mom and Pete run in and so sword guy has to slow him down So he does the old flies out of the mouth trick Yeah, and we get to watch these two actors Sarah Sarah and Peter, do the like swarm of flies. But it's a green thing. Bees. Bees.

Look at all these bees. Ow, ow, slap, slap, slap. Yes. And they just do the same thing over and over again. It'll look great. It'll look really good. Just do it. It'll look totally real. Trust me, it'll look totally real.

And then the flies go away after like five seconds, which is just a really low level demon power. You can do a five second fly swarm. It really is because it's flies too, right? That's gross and I'm sure the sound was driving Eli crazy, but you could just walk through them. You'd want to make sure your mouth was closed all the way. You know, you could even talk with it.

Anyway. And now I'm going to breathe annoying inchworms onto you. Right, yeah, exactly. It's like, okay, whatever. That's gross, it's very unpleasant. Do you want to try one more? What else do you breathe? Because those two were kind of weak.

Well, then I guess next he'll have to use his light bubble powers. And like, this is where I started. I'm looking at After Effects going, what is the list order? OK, what package did he buy? OK, now it's going to be ice and then a rocket, and then he's going to land a spaceship on her. I know it's breathing out 50 different emojis. That's weird.

Right. Do we swat him? And then all of a sudden, he's the money for nothing workers. Yeah, right, right. So but he pulls out his sword. He's gonna catch his fire. He's about to chop the little girl in half. But then Ethan appears and he also has a fire sword. They proceed to have a sword fight that makes the Yoda lightsaber battle in episode two

look almost realistic. Oh my God. It's so dumb. It's like, it's like the, the like 97 year old lady who's still got it in your Tai Chi class decided to spar with the Brazilian jujitsu guy working out his divorce. It's so not fantastic. Well, it's so it, but it's like you and then multiply that by the fact that they went through about six swords before they were like guys, you

can't actually hit them together. They'll break. Right. So we're doing that fight scene. But yeah, but Ethan is just sort of like, I don't know, man. I'm also got a sword over here in my hands. And the other guy is just going fucking nuts with it. What if I challenged him to a drum circle? Fuck, even stop. The flaming sword fight reminded me when I used to teach fencing on Fire Island. Oh, there you go. Yeah. So they have the like world's most boring sword fight. Ethan is bad, even in the movie, right?

So eventually he gets disarmed and his sword disappears immediately. You know. It's like one of those video games where you can't pick up the weapons or whatever. Flashcut to Ethan getting up to heaven. Hey, um, Jesus, I was wondering why you made some angels, especially the loyal ones, like significantly worse at fighting than the ones who divide your dad. I feel like the omniscience thing really falling apart over here for old E-Dogs. But then, so Sword Guy walks back up to Kara and he's about to like kill her or whatever, but then she prays in Hebrew

and says, the Lord rebukes you and a portal to hell opens behind him. And Ethan's like, you couldn't do that 20 minutes ago? Yeah, right, right, Ethan's like, I couldn't do that 20 minutes ago? Yeah, right, right. Ethan's like, I could have just finished my fucking lunch. What the fuck? Kara, Kara, he head butted me to the ground multiple times just now. I really, if you have porter opening powers so that we can just push him into them, I'm

going to need you to open with those, sweetie, okay? And then even maybe just stand on your hands and knees behind his legs, then we could just, yeah. I guess that 180 IQ means you turn around and look the other way. Yeah, yeah. That's what 180 means. Yeah, so. And then the bad guy explodes

with all the remaining effects that came with the deluxe package. The package. Right? So, but mom runs up and she's like, "'Oh good, all the danger's gone. Now I can get past those flies. And she gives her kid a hug. Pete and Ethan meet officially now.

And then Ethan tries to tell us about the sequel. So he's like, no, no, the lawless one is coming. It'll be it'll be great. It'll be awesome. It's probably like a nine movie series if you think about it. Maybe a television show, going to Angels of Shield that sort of connects all the grids. Oh, and the movie's over, never mind. Yeah, Sam Jackson shows up with the Elohim Initiative. Right, yeah, exactly.

I like that the movie ran into the problem of evil by accident here, and then had to write itself out of itself. So it was like, hey, Ethan, why now all of a sudden did you show up to help? Like so much bad stuff already happened. Like, you know, Kara's dad died murdered. That's right. And he's like, yeah, no, that's a tough one. That's a tough one. We are but Harold's kind of above my pay grade.

Yes, right. That's his answer. Anyway. That's his fucking answer. Slaps his fucking legs. They anyway out of the problem of evil. Yes. What you gonna do?

You know. But we have one last thread to tie up here. We have to cut to Bast. He's going to make his escape, but his partner is there waiting for him. And she's like, Bast, I've got the drop on you. He's like, no, let me go And she's like no confess to a whole bunch of crimes and he's like I will confess to all kinds of crimes So he does and then it turns out that there were also a bunch of other cops there the whole time He just did yeah the the Fox Force five shows up all of us. Yeah, right, right

Yeah Fox force five shows up all of a sudden. Yeah, right. Right. Yeah. The old, I didn't notice the parked cars with their lights off trick that gets so many in law enforcement films. Yes. Yeah. Oh, we skipped over where Ethan whispers something to Kara and he whispers this. Oh, right. He whispers the same thing that Bill Murray

whispered to Scarlett Johansson in Lost in Translation. Oh, interesting. Interesting is the shared universe. It's all the same universe. You want me to close my face? So, yeah, but they get past the good guys get past now and they drive off. Josh shows up. Uncle Josh shows up after they've already wrestled the bad guy into the car. And he's like, what did I miss?

Is there any action left or should I go drive around the block again? And he's like, yeah, just some magic bullshit, like you said. And then, oh, they have this, I guess they think it's a reveal where he's like, yeah, no, I knew he was lying the whole time because his name, Adon, is very similar to Abaddon, the destroyer from the Book of Revelation. Which is very similar to Don Pardo, who used to announce TV shows that would start Don Amici. Also, you weren't tipped off by that absurd fucking lie story from Adam that made very clear he was like the deceiver.

OK, we talked about it for a second. Just a reminder. Here's the storyiver. Okay, we talked about it for a second. Just a reminder Here's the story from oh, please what's now being revealed to be the ultimate deceiver. I Challenge you to tell us. Okay. I'm gonna do my best. I'm gonna do it Apparently the US government offers those lucrative contracts for archaeologists who are willing to make fake tablets that cover up aliens, covered by fake stuff about other aliens, I suppose. But you only get that contract if you figure out the real alien plan.

So Dr. Jameson allegedly bought a big piece of rock, etched a fake cuneiform message, snuck that tablet into a student archaeological dig, let the students find it, and then gave it to the government, but according to Adden, the fake message he wrote was actually by accident the real thing that was happening. So the government hired him and then the evil aliens killed Dr. Jameson because his fake tablet was was actually right by accident so they had to cover it up. Oh that old trope. The ultimate deceiver Satan the Prince of Darkness needed a lie and that was the best he came up with in the movie. They wrote right? No, no exactly

It's the it's like me trying to explain how the rabbit got in the house to my mom Yeah, when I was eight years old Satan was meeting with George Costanza to figure out how to do a lie, right? Jesus Christ so and then okay, so and then they did turn to the little girl They're like, hey, what did they turned to the little girl and they're like, Hey, what did he whisper to you right at the end? And he's like, and she's like, Oh, he was telling me about the watchers. And he says, well, I thought they were the watchers. And she goes, No, we are the watchers.

We are the watchers. And we're like, fucking what? End of movie? Well, not quite, right? There's a there's a Bible verse to make you think that it's the end of the movie. Hold on. Who was Satan? Right? Yeah, no, exactly. And then we have to have an after fucking Bible verse scene where first of all, they think they're going to do a big reveal here, right? Because there's this bald guy and he picks up the jacket from the sword guy that before sword guy died, he dropped

his jacket, picks up the jacket. And then we flash back to like eight other scenes in the movie where this very same character was just sort of standing around in the background. And like, I guess the reveal is, oh, you thought he was just an extra, but he was actually on Satan's side the whole time. Checkmate. I was aware there were demons in the movie. They were the villains of the movie. Right. So what are we learning from this?

So this is essentially demons pretending to be aliens, pretending to be actors, pretending to be people in a movie that's pretending to be a movie. Yes. Done. It's the perfect crime. Wow. Yeah, we're five deep I think this might be the first time we've ever gone five deep before just like fucking inception. We're never gonna make it out Just ends with like five closed parentheses

I love how in the credits there's a person who was the martial arts coordinator. What did he do? Exactly brought the Gatorade, I think. Yeah, right, right. No, that man is a, that is a thief right there. So yeah, yeah, but oh, but at the very end, we see that like the background extra who turned out to be a demon is like, we almost got him, but we didn't.

And it turns out that the guy he's talking to was Adon, the main bad guy of the movie. Yeah, we fucking know. Who was know who was right I don't know like clearly they showed it to their uncle and he was like I don't get it who was the blackfella so how can a lady be president I don't get admittedly it was hard for me to watch because I was crying every time she appeared on stream. All right.

Well, that's the movie, George. I hope it didn't convert you. I mean, I hope you're still on science aside. Oh, I converted, but to something very different. Yeah. My conversion now is basically just me crying into a bowl of yogurt. Yeah, no, I get it. I get it.

I've eaten some salty yogurt myself. And just a reminder for the listeners, given how much you sacrificed here for you today, if you want to hear more from Geo, check the show notes for links to his podcast, as well as links to hear some of his tunes or do some Geo caching if you want to find all that. See how that works. You see how that that's why you chose this movie for me. I appreciate it. It's all coming together. I hate you all forever. George, thanks so much for hanging out with us, man. Guys, you're the best.

This was so much fun. Thanks for having me. I really appreciate it. This was a blast. And well, that does it for our review of The Watcher's Revelation. That's how I can do it for the episode just yet because we still need to pay more bills next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck.

Well, no illusions. From the moment we began this show, there were whispers. Whispers about a series of movies so god-awful they had been struck from the internet itself. Church productions of pop culture so banal and infringing of copyright that only the worthy could find them. Well, I have completed my quest, and I have located them. Well, I have completed my quest and I have located them. All of them and they are magnificent. So we will be watching Church of the Rock's Avengers themed Easter musical. Oh good! The Avengers. Oh I'm so excited I almost

don't believe you Eli. I've heard so much about this fucking thing. All right, so with that to look forward to Once again a huge thanks to George from the geologic podcast for hanging out with us today and perhaps even a huge thanks to all The patreon donors that helped me the show go if you'd like to count yourself among their ranks You can make a per episode donation of patreon.com slash God off when they're by earn away access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving the five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. If you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows this getting a citation in the DND minus in the sky for grad available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email god awful movies at gmail.com Tim Robertson takes care of our social media our theme

song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of evil work giraffes on Mars all the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check of your life this week for Heathenright, Neil Obhousnik, I'm No Illusionist, promising to work harder, earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a Breakfast Club close. Abaddon went on to call himself Dave instead of Adam and he got away with way more evil stuff. You would think, yeah, President Black Lady went on to probably not accidentally fire all of the people who take care of the nukes.

Stay tuned for Watching the Watchers, a skeptical movie of both aliens and God that thinks Bigfoot is the reason the government is bad. And express... I want Filter Guy to have to climb down from something like that's all I think. This content is canned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4255 or on their website at creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2025 all rights reserved.