God Awful Movies - 5: GAM005 Left Behind 2: Tribulation Force

Episode Date: September 22, 2015

This week we tackle Left Behind 2: Tribulation Force, described by critics as the Attack of the Clones of Kirk Cameron's filmography.  In this film, a team of post-apocalyptic Christians team up to worship the guy whose plan the apocalypse was; while impotently trying to stop the thing they all agree is both necessary and inevitable. Special thanks to guest masochist Nick Carillo, without whom this episode would not have had Nick Carillo in it.

Un chapuzón, con el hábito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parque Sur, con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con martes y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, Yeah, I love how Ivy compliments Chloe like that was really good. You did You got your great, Sharps. Oh my god, and other people dying. You really watched that guy dying to you best of your ability. We watched the shit out of that guy dying together. Yes, we did.

You made his dying breath be an apology to somebody that's not there. Yes, Well done! God awful! Movie! Movie! Movie! MOBI MOBI MOBI Welcome back to the Gamcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because the line for smashing our own Testicles where the garlic press was too long Suffering to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right Heath welcome back

Thank you. I feel welcome and it left is my good friend he then write heath welcome back thank you i feel welcome and suffering nine hundred and eighty nine miles to my right is my other good friend elai Bosnick illi how you hold not bra so we're just ruled out the garlic press yeah yeah off the table at the point it's one more move those bussiness the cause when it's right now unfortunately and joining us for

the first time as actor writer comedian improv artist and special guest masochist nick kore Nick, welcome to God Awful Movies. Hello, hello, I'm glad to be here. So, before we get started, Heath, what's on tap tonight? We've got Left Behind Episode 2 Tribulation Force. Yes, we do. It is the attack of the clones of Left Behind Movies. So, get excited.

The worse and somehow unimaginably more racist. Oh my god, it's so awful. Now I should mention that last week we had Devon Header on the show and you'll recall that he was part of a three man apocalypse themed improv team called Gus for generic underground shelter. And after we finished recording, Devon told us that Nick is actually the funny guy on the team. So we reached out to him this week and for some reason he agreed to join us.

So Nick, let me ask you how long did it take to regret that decision? You know, I was telling you right now, I actually was thoroughly entertained by this movie. I was laughing the whole way through. Right on. Well, that's it's it's it's good to do something new on this show. Now, Nick, you strike me as the kind of kid who rented faces a death and showed it to everyone at a party. I absolutely. Actually, my dad showed me that movie. I was like, I was like, yeah, I love it.

I want to see more. He's in jail now. Yeah. He's got priors. He's in jail. So now this fucks me all up because my next question is how bad is this movie? And now I just don't even know what to ask you. So I guess how good was this?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no like, well, it's like a lot of horror movies. So, I mean, it's a terrible movie, but it's like watching a car crash. You know, you can't look away. There's something about it that you're kind of enjoying watching, but you also feel very bad. It's like watching a car crash where one person is enjoying the car. The car crash is in the middle just being like, this is going to be fun! He's going to driver's seat having a great time and everybody's screaming at pain and I think. Thanks America. That's a lot like this movie. We deserve this. What do you think? A plus on good, double plus on good, where are we at?

Uh, well, when I looked it up on Rotten Tomatoes, a homeless person literally threw a tomato at me. So, nice and new feature. You got to pay for that. And finally, Eli on a scale of a surprise urination stream fork that hits your pant leg to being analy raped by a wearer porcupine. Where's this movie fall on the spectrum, you think? Oh, okay. So, one of those is good. You're on a scale. And so, I got to assume that the urination stream fork is surprising in a good way. You're like, oh, maybe there's a second hole in my dick. So, well, that's the good end of the scale. Yes, relatively speaking, there's always a good end to the scale.

Yeah, I would say that this movie falls into the running into your ex with your dad at the grocery store. Oh, on a scale of one to however, it's running into your ex with your dad at the grocery store. Oh. That's on a scale of one to however, it's running into your ex with your dad and she's like, oh, who are you with? Well, it's me and Dave, we're just, oh, oh, oh, Dave now. Dave. You're dating my dad, that's awkward. Okay.

Oh. Just crying because they don't make frosted flakes anymore. They're right behind you. Well, they don't make them what they used to. I ate some bad samples. They don't make frosted flakes anymore. They're right behind you. They don't make them what they used to. Hahaha. I hate some bad samples. Hahaha. No, I'm curious to Nick.

Did you end up watching the first one or you just did this one cold? I did this one cold. I thought about watching the first one. Um, and I realized that I don't think I really needed to. So I watched the say I just went into it jumped right in. It must have been lost. That's what I was going to say. watched the say I just went into it jumped right in I've been lost that's well I was gonna say I mean did you get the impression watching this like that if you'd watch the first one It would make sense because I can disabuse you from that illusion

I felt no I felt yeah, I felt that I was not gonna get any more information if I would have seen the first one I mean I figured a lot of people went missing I looked up the This synopsis of the first one and was like, all right, that's enough for me. Right. Well, I wish I could have got away with the same. Uh, no, of course, we're going to have a lot of listeners out there in the same position as Nick who haven't seen the first one. So Eli, he's anybody care to catch us up on all the action from part one? Sure. In one sentence, God made everybody disappear.

So let's thank him. That's pretty much it. Alright, well before we get into all the exciting nothing happening, this movie has a store for us. We're gonna take a quick break, and when we come back, we'll prove that at least they earn the word tribulation in the title. Excuse me, God. The four horsemen are here to see you. Oh great, send them in. Guys, guys, great to see you. Oh, great to see you. Oh great. Send them in guys guys great to see you. Oh great So guys here we are look the apocalypse. This is the big one I gotta say I'm a little disappointed. I mean pestilence what's going on man? You killed half of Europe yet?

I gotta say I take the blame for this one. I had this plague ready to go I took my eye off the ball for 400 quick years. They've completely figured out how to fight this thing off. This is totally my bet. Okay, well rather than focus on problems, let's talk solutions. What are you working on right now? Honestly, I got nothing. I mean, they cured milk leg. Milk leg was my plan B, so it's... Okay, it's not looking good. Okay, I understand. You know, keep know keep working on it famine. What are we looking at? Well, you know, I'm really in the same boat What is it refrigeration? Am I saying that right? Yeah, I'm not gonna I'm not gonna bore you with all the details

But pass can I pass I pass I Trust to put a pin in that will come back to it war come on man. What's going on? You're gonna bring a thousand years of darkness talk to me how you gonna make it happen yes well again um you remember how when those people had chariots of iron it just he hates it totally fucked us up yeah yeah no I do did they find more chariots of iron or is it yeah kind of they have like helicopters and stuff now I have a black horse and a giant sword. Is there a way we can arrange for me to have a helicopter

and a patchy or something? No, I mean, first of all, I'm not really in the budget. Okay, death, death, come on, death. They haven't beaten you. What do you got from me? Well, to be honest, my problem isn't really with the humans. Okay, what's the problem? Well, if you look, excuse me, my problem is with you. Me?

Yeah. What did I do? Well, I mean, you raptured 140 million people. So now when I kill somebody, you know, they're like, oh, wow, that's real sad that he had a heart attack and everything but but remember when God killed all the babies and it's just it doesn't even have any impact anymore. Oh That's true that I mean that is true. I who I mean

Any ideas on on how to kill the human being anything the humans can't already do better Themselves or overcome their science and ingenuity anything I brought out there. I mean you want to I You want to just let them do it themselves. I guess we could do that Hey, they're good at that. They're good at them All right fine. We're gonna let them do it themselves. Okay, but seriously guys in a thousand years I want you to come at this thing. Okay, who wants to get Chili's? Milk leg thousand years, I want you to come at this thing, okay? Who wants to get shillings? Yeah! Yeah! I mean, what about milk leg? And now that Nick's bribes are all sorted out, we're back and ready to take on the follow-up

to last week's insult to moving pictures, pictures, and movement in general left behind. And since we're not going to be doing any making sense in this movie, we open on a bunch of missing child posters in a world where all the children are known to be missing. Seems like a waste of paper. Yeah, exactly. The opening of this movie already makes no sense. So just to set the scene, our main character is walking through what appears to be some kind

of memorial, but the memorial is just missing posters. Now, at this point, just so everyone's clear on the plot everyone knows everyone's gone No one is under the impression that people are missing right so it's sort of like if instead of a graveyard It was just a bunch of stuff mailed to a telephone That's the universe It's like I did also man also if you're the 175th person who adds a missing poster to the course You got to start to know once a oh well It's weird must be Bonero also missing

Even more missing than everyone. People have pictures of babies up there. Right babies aren't missing their god There's no I don't know where we went answers to the name At which point we get Kirk Cameron who sort of recaps the first movie very conveniently for us he tells us every child on earth is missing which is interesting because you have to ask what is the cutoff age why haven't you told us that information your news reporter also in this report

Kirk Cameron looks like a little boy wearing his father suits. Like the desk looks too big. He's just like his head's barely poking up over. He's like, anyways, he welcomed the news for kids during Kirk Cameron. And then of course he points out that all of the children in the world went missing. And that means that hundreds of millions of people are missing. Which I did a quick Google 1. billy children on earth in nineteen eighty which means that not all of the children when i'm there's a whole bunch of satan's children's long around on the island somewhere evil bays and he also

mentions in this in this opening that it's been one week the only establish it's been one week since the rapture which means this happens like the day after the last movie and yet somehow everybody has a different hairdo now and different like facial hair and the chick doesn't have a nose ring anymore or a hole where it used to be it's kind of an odd it's been a lot weak. Yeah this this I I should point out that again if you saw movie one and movie two you'll get to see this for yourself but if you didn't the characters look like after like the rap move the rap party for movie one was crazy Like everyone did math and fucked each other and and the girl who plays Amy just ate all the old country buffet

She just ate the entire Because everyone's fat Vladimir Putin skeleton looks even worse He looks like someone put a curse on Justin Timberlake's dad Just a whole everyone a no one maintained their physical appearance No movie one to movie to except for Kirk Cameron who I assume slept on set like fucking There will be blood Daniel day Lewis. I'm guessing he pulled a Daniel day Lewis and fucking uh... there will be blood what's in there oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh I'm gonna use this in another It's just an abandoned church anyway. And of course among the worldwide audience who watches Kurt Cameron in his dad's suit delivering the news is the Antichrist who we see in the UN General Assembly room with him and his buddies because apparently they just hang out in that room to watch the news and So they're watching Kurt Cameron on the news and they're all like and and and Nikolai has this

You know emperor pal patine moment where he's like people trust him He will join us or die for no fucking reason Well absolutely no reason the antichrist wants Kirk on his team Also, I have to point out if you were confused at this point in the movie It's because no one fucking get introduced. We just know that there's an evil guy who looks like stage 2 cancer George McFly watching the news and wanting Kirk to join him. Maybe if I hadn't been so busy with that book, I would have caught the lump in my thigh.

I didn't know I like that they specifically made the antichrist Russian also They had it played by a guy who's from Canada. Yes do a terrible Russian accent But I just love how they were like what's what's something that we can relate to what's villain? Oh, oh, we'll make him Russian. We'll make that guy definitely a Russian and everyone will make sense of it Yeah, oh I get it. I get it. He's a Russian of course Russian antichrist I should point out speaking to his Russian accent His Russian accent gets thicker every scene in the movie. He is turning into a Russian like a werewolf But with Russian he's a Russian There I don't know who he's dialect coach was Borish and Natasha

Moose and Squirrel Moose and Squirrel all right. We're ready for you great moose and squirrel This is like this is Russian in an improv scene I've seen like kids and jams of improv and like do this Russian accent and like better actually He like there's words that he'll say at one point and then he says it and this time he puts a real Russian Accent on it. I love it. I was part of that fun Well, and sometimes the accent would just change altogether and it'd be like a South African German or something like that, yeah. Exactly.

So I wasn't going to say, because so I didn't see the first one. So the first one I what I gathered was that the rapture took place and all these kids went missing, which is crazy to me, because I guess they're trying to say that all the kids are innocent. So all these kids are gone, because they went up to heaven, which doesn't really make any sense, because not all kids are innocent so all these kids are gone because they went up to heaven which doesn't really make any sense because not all kids are innocent some kids are assholes and would definitely still be in the world. That didn't make any

sense to me I was like just if you're a kid you're automatically you're in you did it that's that's what Kirk Evan believes I guess. I guess I'm thinking about myself well what about like grown up like retarded people who are mentally like eleven. Yeah I had a note about that too you what about like grown up like retarded people who are mentally like eleven? Yeah, I had a note about that too. You what about retarded people? Maybe they just didn't put up the missing posters for them because they're like, man, you know, they're probably somewhere. No one wants to know. Where's you charge of a special and no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no They're fine. They're doing fine. But all those helmets, not here. Okay, cops are shooting everybody. It stays that after nine anyway. It's not working better. It's all right. So yeah, and that's how we see just how bad the world's gotten.

There's a couple of kids trying to break into a van. Some cops pull up on fucking motorcycles and gun them to death. And machine guns. Yes, yes. I wish. Use M16s to machine gun so they didn't have teenage john valjan who's stealing a loaf of red speedy system so it gets

it's blasted to the ground with an m16 at which point Kirk Cameron reenacts the nihilist scene from the big lab house you can't just do that and they're like we are nihilists so now we get Kirk wandering into gnn and I just want to point out, okay, so you're hearing some stuff in the background of like the news that's playing and they're talking about a couple of people getting burned to death at the wailing wall and the wailing wall being shut down. Okay, this is just like being worked into the background so that we know about it later.

But the question that the person is asking as Kirk walks by the TV or whatever is, she says, well, people don't just burn to death in the middle of the day, what happened? I'm like, what time of day is appropriate for burning to death? Right. Listen, if it was 8 p.m. like just after that

it was made, that's that. That's not sure, people burn to death, I get it. I'm going to get it. Also, I want to point out two things. This movie we're introduced to Steve Plank. Yes, and I just want to point out that the characters in this movie are Have names like they are made up by a child for their action figures like this is newsman Steve Plank And this is Buck Williams and this is Blade Shark 2 Everyone's got a name that is so clearly made up last minute under torture.

There's the captain is Captain Steel. He's Ray Steel. Actually, it's Ray Fur. Ray Fur Steel, yeah. Ray Fur Steel, not even Rayman, it's Ray Fur Steel. Yeah. Buck Williams is the weirdest name. It's like, they should just cut them huts and hawk at that point. They just had him. I was like, no, that's is the weirdest name. It's like they should just cut them Hudson Hawk at that point

I was like nobody that's not a real name nobody what's that's not a reporter's name. Hey Johnny Quest I get to an Howard's are explosive guy. There's also a beautiful moment as he walks into the office There's very clearly a hey mr. Williams ADR'd in, over someone being like Kirk this way, this way Kirk towards the fucking camera, Jesus. And so clear that Kirk was just wandering around randomly being like, and they were like Kirk. And he was like, I have a feeling Kirk was just walking around

and they're like, you need your specific block in you to follow. He goes, no, no, no, God will show me the way. This is where the camera is. God's put the camera over here. There's nothing there. And this is, I just, this is such spectacularly good dialogue. The guy on the TV says and remember Rabbi Ben Jewie Jew will reveal the single biggest piece of news of all time. That's the foreshadowing. That's actually somebody wrote that in the script and said, yep, nailed it. And they call him the world's number one ranked religious scholar.

Yeah, how do they rank those guys? What? What would that be like? Yes? American Religious question back and forth you get a bracket Elo and then you ask that there's an us elo and then an international Elo jump. Yeah. Oh damn it. Only I knew a Jewish month. I could make a March madness joke But I don't Come suck prove that's not a month

Come suck. Prove that's not a month. Prove that. Come suck. Rocka na ha ha. Say it's not. I'm a Jew. It's anti-San fucking. Check your non-Jewish privilege. Everything I say is right because I'm talking about my own people. There you go. I like how they just made this a thing. Like it's not a real thing. There is no number one religious scholar in the world. No. But they were just like, we're gonna make this for the movie and everybody's gonna fuck it take it and believe. So we cut to a news conference where

the antichrist who looks like gay Jeremy Irons is being asked by the world to be the president of the world. Yes and it's right, she turns be the president of the world. Yes, and the price he turns down, the crown of the world is that. Yeah, the IMF, they're trying to talk this guy into making a single global currency. Also, apparently countries won't do that unless the anti-Christ holds the big bag of money or whatever, and that's definitely not how how money works though I got it. We'll have him administer the bag of money. No, it's still wrong. Better. There's no bag of money. That's not how works. But that's why we would just go and well wait. Before we create a universal currency, who's going to be the president?

Right. That's the fucking crit. Well, we can't form a company unless we know who the king is. Right. the fucking crit will we can't form a company unless we know who the king is right was this guy was the antichrist guy in the first one yeah he was he was okay promoted to general but secretary general of the of the you and in the last one all okay because he just see in this movie it just seems like everybody's like hey you you have an evil accent do you want to be president of the world i of course i would like to take over the world because I am the anti-crisis

yes that is what happened it that you don't shed any light on it by watching the first one that happened as well in the first one yeah it's not like he did anything in the first movie that would clue you in as to why Pakistan and India now want to be ruled by the same people and be part of the same country right doesn't explain by that no just like obama did same thing yeah exactly of course that's why they made him look that way in the history and and now that um... of course he's president of the solar system or whatever he stands up and he says basically as my first act

as president of the world i'd like to do away with religion now don't work don't get me wrong. You've got my vote now. Yeah, it's a small cheer from Georgia and upstate in New York. Right? Right. You're going to any Christ. One of the things that's really interesting about this movie that you come to realize is there's still like skeptics and atheists in the world of left behind, even though there's been

the rapture. Yes. And what I realized is the reason why this movie still contains skeptics and atheists is because they think today there's just as much evidence. Like the reason why everyone thinks that it could be radiation is because can't you see the sunset? There might be a guy. And that's exactly

the same to them as everyone getting sucked up into heaven. I think Sam Harrison Dawkins would still be there going I don't know guys. I know it matches your book exactly but I'm not sure maybe radiation. It's that same sort of like well atheist won't believe no matter what you gave them am I right? Yeah, just a theme for them. Yeah, trying to convince people, like I look how they show people like is this what you're thinking audience? Well, let's show you with these characters and then change their minds. That's how it works. Oh god, it's so fucking brutal. They just beat you about the head with it.

So then we cut from there to the to the meeting where they're strategizing and the strategy. So the strategy is taking place. The the black preacher character who we met in the first movie for those who didn't see the first movie. There's a black preacher who didn't get brought up to heaven. But now he's a Christian again. Oh, he was a Christian then. He just wasn't Christian enough. He looked at a woman with lust in his eyes and therefore committed adultery or something along those lines. So basically, they're planned with the preacher guy

and, you know, Carbohydrate version of the girl from the last movie. Yes. We can't stop the Antichrist. So what do we do? Try to stop the Antichrist. That's pretty much it. Yes, we can't do anything.

The Bible says, none of us are in the Bible. We're gonna fail. So we have to try. I think we can. At which point we get, and now this is a promise made. This is a checkovian gun,

which you're so glad gets fired. Kirk then pulls out a picture, or someone pulls out a picture of fire breathing Jews holding a menorah and says these are the witnesses and the witnesses will stand by the wailing wall and speak the truth and they'll defend themselves with fire. And I thought to myself, oh my God, if you exist, please, please, please let there be fire breathing Jews holding the door in this movie.

I was right, the same shit that I'm like now, if there's fire breathing Jews, it will all be worthwhile. So, the plan is basically for Kirk to go to the Whaling Wall and find the fire breathing Jews, and for Snake-Duth-knife-Dick to be a pilot. But of course, a guy who dresses like a pilot even when he's not a pilot and wore his pilot costume throughout the entire first movie when they're like, hey pilot, you should be a pilot. He's like, no, go for it.

Right. I'm not gonna be a pilot. What I liked about this part is when I realized what they were trying to do with Kirk's character. He was like, but Williams is so weird. And speaking to earlier, all of his clothes are oversized. Everything he's wearing is just two times bigger. And he's got this brown leather jacket that is zipped up all the way and two times bigger

than he is. And I realized, oh, they're trying to make him the Jesus Indiana Jones. Yeah. He's trying to be Indiana Jones of like, this is what I gotta do. But I like how it's like, you can't have your shirt open and you can't have your jacket on zip

because that's too controversial. Dippin' up all the way and show us that your Indiana Jones, the Christ version. He's a nice clean cut Indiana Jones. Without all that, not shaving thing. Yeah. And I just have in my notes, snake tooth knife dig is the the kim davis of pilots

and he's conscious won't let him drive around the antichrist i also want to point out that uh... when kirk walks in uh... he he totally disses clowy clowy goes uh... hey bakwell yams and then he just walks bright by her. This will also not be important later, I just. Chloe is the girl who from the first movie was kind of hot, but then she got trapped in a bread factory for 40 days before the second movie, right? Yes, that was her.

Listen, I'm not what you would call slim, but whatever diet Chloe went on, I don't know, she went off atkins or something in between these two movies, but Chloe bear need to get back on it She went crazy on that body of a crisis what happened? Oh Communion wafers mom. Those are nila wafers wafers are wafers She's the and she's the sister of Monster man Mike right the pilot guy right there, but she's her daughter that's his daughter that's his daughter That's right I got so confused because I was like how is that his daughter and then her and Kirk have this thing going on

her buck but I was like you're I would be like hey that's my daughter dude and you're the same age that I am in your hate on my daughter but it's never a chance it's just like yeah go for a man no these are Christians you can fuck it yeah Oh I was like I. I was just like, I think any moment for him to like start negotiating how many goats and fucking halfers it was gonna take to get her pussy, you know? And so as soon as they finish making their plan a burned fireman comes in which I felt was kind of ironic like I didn't know if they were just like, but I did say out loud to the screen. I guess you could say that that fireman wasn't fireproof

This could camman's other movie guys I can see him writing a script and being like you know what we need we need a fireman who's on fire That'll show all those atheists That'll prove to them what God could do the first draft had a water man who's on water Kirk that's not a thing great comfort. It is And and the reason that we have to have the fireman by the way is so that Chloe can like Turn away from him be going Oh dying person

Oh and and and wander off so that later she can like overcome that I guess With help of Jesus help with Jesus. Jesus Jesus. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So now we have the moment where he goes back to his office. And again, we talked about this a little before. He is supposed to be a major celebrity. Someone who murderous, you know, Nietzsche and nihilistic cops in the the middle of their murder sprees stop and ask for an autograph. Yes.

But he goes back to his office and then he's working on a story there or something. He's doing something at the office and he gets surprised by a person who we have never seen before. Now, if you just tuned in for this episode and this movie, you'd be like, man, guys, you're in a bad episode and this movie you'd be like man guys You're in a bad job explaining this movie. Who's that girl? We don't fucking know this movie appears not to know

Because we don't find out until about 10 minutes before the end who the fuck this person is she just walks in with a backpack She's like hey, Buck what's up? And he's like hey character who I totally know. Oh, yeah I don't yeah, it was she just randomly shows up And it's just like yeah, you're gonna be part of this now. I was like yeah, I am I'm not gonna tell you who I am You we don't need to don't worry. We don't need to know who you are well We now we did talk about her quite a bit in the last movie. It's just that now She doesn't have some crazy shit on her forehead. He's that girl That's the that's forehead girl. They don't talk about scoffie that's Garface girl and they don't talk about what the fuck happened to her forehead

That's forehead girl. Yeah, no, she's not a lesbian anymore So the forehead thing went away and now she's exactly what happened and washes off so that means that means that in the last movie that thing on her Head was an accident. That was the mark of the lesbian That's a real thing I didn't just knock that up. But so I want to get back to this. So again, he's a celebrity who people stop in the street. Hey, it's Buck Williams, most famous reporter in the world. The anti-Christ wants him to be his representative. That's how important he is. But then a floor manager comes out

and she's like, you don't just get to use the computer Buck Williams It's what you the image you have to have is just some woman who we have never met and never meet again Comes out and tells Walter Walter Cronkite like listen, Mr. Cronkite. You will use the copier when it is your turn All right, we keep running out of toner and I think it's because people are making personal copy I'm gonna just appear and my presence will never be exposed she was just there because the movie didn't have enough sadness i run these six cubicles don't fuck with him a serious character in this movie that will never come back and then we cut to the church where the preacher is giving

a absolutely crazy sermon slash powerpoint presentation- Slash PowerPoint presentation, yes. Yes, with a slideshow, and I just have in my notes, oh, a slideshow neat. I wrote down exposition via 1980s PowerPoint with somebody standing in front of the projector. Right, good job. It's like the world's worst TED talk, because he keeps going to his audience with questions.

He keeps being like, how many of you here have heard of the tribulation and 90% of the audience ran this there and he's like, good, good, good. A lot of people know. Who can tell me he's like one of those interactive teachers, like if he psyched himself outside the classroom, I have to reach these questions. And then of course, there's a great moment moment I want this more than anything to have been improvised in the middle of his sermon and apropos of almost nothing. A woman stands up and goes, is he gonna kill us all?

That's my ringtone now. And which one he's like, oh yeah, no, he's gonna come after all of the Christians. Why? Go fuck yourself. That's why. And which one he's like, oh yeah, yeah, no, he's gonna come after all of the Christians. Why go fuck you And I love there's one character who by the way we have never met have we met Chris before I don't think so okay Good because I don't know maybe Chris is just someone with a different face because apparently spiral tattoo girl And just rip the major defining Thing off of our body and be that character and I'm supposed to know. So one guy, Chris, who's sitting in the front, listens to this like someone's describing

scat porn. He's just like, oh, the entire time he's talking. And so Chris just leaves because good for him, by the way, good for you, Chris. But who is Chris? Go fuck yourself. Again, we have no idea who this character is everyone just talks to him like we've supposed to realize who he is exactly exactly and then he wanders out of the church and I want to mention this too because outside of the church we saw this in the first movie outside of the church

was just a regular neighborhood it's been a week since the rapture and now there are like tires and fucking homeless people laying in a trash can there's been a week since the rapture and now there are like Tires and fucking homeless people laying in a trash can There's actually a fucking barrel fire going in the background and people huddled around it warming themselves I'm like how does hundreds of millions of people disappeared from the earth increase homelessness Right exactly you think there would be more not less I mean of oh there's not a lot of silver linings in all the babies dying and shit, but I mean, at the very least homelessness and unemployment go down, right? Yeah, a little bit less traffic, more parking on your plane anymore.

That's awesome. Babies are rust closes down. Women don't talk to you about their children's food allergies anymore. I mean, listen, there's lots of positive signs of all the babies disappearing. I don't want to come out of the gate saying that there's no plus signs of all the babies disappearing. I don't want to come out of the gate saying that there's no plus size to all the babies disappearing. My Facebook feed isn't have those photos anymore. Right, right. I mean, this is kind of a subject, but I think it's kind of important to explore. Like they never say in the movie that people... This isn't children of men. People haven't lost the ability to have children.

So like if you imagine this world where like all the babies disappear, all the annoying Christian people disappear, there's one country with one currency, no war, no famine, and no nuclear war. And we can just start having babies again. This is an awesome situation. If it wasn't for, you know, Kurt Cameron and his boys fucking it up, I would be loving the tribulation. Yeah, exactly there's a baby born every three seconds on the planet and yet every but apparently everyone stopped reproducing. I guess maybe the fetuses were raptured too. Yeah, well they are babies. I was wondering like pregnant women where they just like nope it's not there anymore or like do they have the baby and then and then it just disappears and they're crying. I don't know I didn't see that I didn't see the genitals in time. I don't know what it was.

I would pay anything for there to be a shot of a Lamas class where everyone just slowly deflates. Well, I don't know what the fuck happens, but I feel better. You guys are breathing longer. Oh, it was just gas the whole time. I told you, I told you, why did I take up extra shifts to TGI friends? I didn't know my baby was raptured on TLC. I gotta say I love this point though where that guy Chris later will play spin the bottle with a gun. Yes goes and then there they this is their moment of like is this how you feel audience? Are you not sure about this? Well, let's talk to you and then it's Kirk like coming in

I love the way he's like he's like the way he tries to convince him and the questions He asks him and how serious he gets in his face is hilarious This is Kirk like I'm to be a hero right now. I'm going to show you what the power of God can do. Yeah. You just talk it out. So this is another thing that we need to point out. The pop-out interview that Kirk does to Chris is word for word, the pop-out interview

that Ray Comfort does on people in all of his documents. Yes. So if you want to see the beginning influences of Ray Comfort on Kurt Cameron, here it is. This is Ray Comfort, who for those who don't know, is I want you to take the craziest person you can possibly imagine, great? Multiply that by a hundred, give it an Australian accent and make it about Jesus. That's Ray Comfort. New Zealand.

He made the movie Audacity. Look it up. It's amazing. Look up banana man on YouTube. Yes. You'll never regret it. Banana man. Right. That's all you need to know about Ray Comfort.

But basically, the interview goes something like this. And Noah, if I may, can I reenact this interview with you? Absolutely, absolutely. I'll be Chris. Okay. Sure, sure. Hey, Chris, you're a terrible person. I don't think I'm a terrible person.

Oh yeah? Well, did you ever steal anything? Yeah, but I'm just a normal human that like was a kid once and wanted a porn oh magazine. Did you ever look at a lady and want a fucker? Uh, yeah, I'm doing that right now. Jesus said that looking at a lady is the same as fucking a lady i don't think it is but jesus never fucked anybody as far as we know so i can see how he got

confused your christian that was it and again this is the no one in this movie reacts the way that no i did everyone in this movie reacts the way that Noah did. Everyone in this movie is like, oh, never thought of before. Oh, my God. Looking at a sandwich is the same as even sandwich. That's why I'm never hungry. We should just bring people and ganna pictures of food.

Yeah, that him convincing him that like any, and it's like the audience, like like have you ever done any tiny little thing that's bad while you're going the hell then unless you accept Jesus I was like him just trying to convince him he's like yeah I stole some candy one time while you're going to hell that I don't understand what is that like this anyway killing someone because that's what Jesus believes all right I guess I should be a Christian yes and I just but but I love like show you the oh the the the black preacher guy from the last movie he has this little crazy Ted talk Jesus rant going and everyone in the movie is reacting like how you should if somebody

starts like going on about how the fucking UN is the anti-Christ and shit they walk the fuck out but this movie treats it like you know you're supposed to be sitting there going oh all those souls they're just gonna have to burn for eternity now in the universe of this movie That is a stupid decision everyone just vanished off the planet you're the same level of skepticism no longer applies We just got introduced to some really big evidence right now everyone now everyone should be like yeah No, I mean I get it. Andy Christ is probably real because everyone just got voiped off the fucking planet I'm with you. I'm listening. I'm open show me some fire breathing juice and suddenly I'm on your side Right and that's what the point I was trying to make earlier is that to them like the sunset and

that to them, like the sunset and the vibe are as good evidence as fire breathing juice. And we would be skeptic like I would see those fire breathing juice. And be like, all right, next week on the gamecast, I guess they must have something hidden in their cheeks. Am I right? I'm just like, I just fucking don't look in the world around. Nothing can fall in my apartment without me being like maybe it's a ghost so I I am not a person who would not be convinced by fire breathing juice Next week's episode would be fire breathing juice those are real definitely real

Not like sun sets like oh yeah, and then like some guys like wait, there's fire breathing Jews like oh, yeah, that's the thing also I want to know more about that No, but you're a murderer because you thought about murder So then yeah steel blade crunch burying goes to a candle light vigil which just a highlight of this candle light vigil One man has brought a giant crucifix candle light vigil He just bought a giant and he gets a phone call. And while he's getting that phone call, a lady in white comes up and she's like, you must have lost someone too. And I'm very, I wrote my notes, lady in white wants to fuck. That's very clearly what she's doing.

Oh, yeah. What you do, you walk up to someone in a vigil and you're like, oh, so sad. So like, you want to grab a drink Just go to my face. Yeah, everyone knows what funeral sex looks like swipe right when you say When you say lady and white I don't want anyone to be left with the impression that she's like in a beautiful white gown or anything She's in 1950s like Overall undies or whatever if she turned around and there was like a hatch on the ass of her outfit, I would not have been surprised.

Yes, she's wearing magic Mormon underwear. Yes, yes, exactly. As outside clothes. And of course, the phone call he gets is from Chris. Well, I'm sure you'll remember because he was a person that was in the movie and he needs help, apparently. Now, I want to point out here that, we haven't talked about Chris's physical appearance.

Chris looks like he's the god of Downsson. If you told me that all of the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer were based on Chris, I feel like, oh I can't. If Chris were a superhero, his name would be ManPake. This is Chris's not an attractive human. I wouldn't say that. When it first cut to the scene of him spinning the gun on the table, I wrote down suicides. So easy a caveman can do it. He is a good. Right. So then Chris and Blamsteel, Chris Rack,

have basically have your basic, do you think the sunset happened by chance conversation? Yeah, uh-huh. At which point when Chris points the gun at himself, he, he, is it his heart? Me, right? He points it at his chest. No, dude, that's not, that's how you do that. Which I thought was weird, but that I realized his forehead is so low and so thick. It's probably bulletproof.

He probably went with this heart just because he's tried to shoot himself in the head three times. I did this. It doesn't work, Josh. I love that he's spinning the gun when he comes in because it's like, it's like, it's like, what can be a way to show this guy's about to kill himself? Like, he's got the gun and he's spinning it. And if it lands on him, he's got to kiss that gun and shoot himself in the head.

It's the stupidest way to show this guy wants to commit what happens if it doesn't land on him Yeah, who there's no one else in the room spin the bottle is who you kiss not whether or not you kiss Lands on me. I'll shoot me if it lands on the lamp Shoot the lamp I think somebody had a Russian roulette explained to them like briefly or something like that or they were drunk at the time and only remembered parts of it. I'm pretty sure they spin the gun. No, they spin the chamber of the gun. Right, the chamber in the gun. Well, if you spin the gun, the chamber is going around too. But in this scene, it's just loaded with the worst of Christian apologetics.

I was, like, like, uh, uh, uh, uh, Rayford is saying like, uh, uh, but Chris, what if you're wrong? He actually says those words, those exact Pascal's wager words, what if you're wrong? And then he says, how can you prove there's no heaven? I'm expected. And why are there still monkeys and check out this banana? And how did all those busy people know what year it was if there was no Jesus

flagellum It's just all it's like William Lane Craig on the toilet is what this whole scene is like just him being like It divine command it's just like but none of them are hot so he's having one of those painful Indian food shit So he never finishes any of his thoughts. He's just like but none of them are holly so he's having he's having one of those painful Indian food shit So he never finishes any of the spots is just like oh Oh, they said that didn't have butter in it, but I know it did And of course Chris drops in this scene the god is dead Nietzsche bomb which Christians I love that they won Zite guys that's gone through to Christians, is that Nietzsche said God is dead, but what always tickles me so much about that is how little they understand about the point Nietzsche was making.

Right. It's sort of like if they were like, well, you know, in the middle of Harry Potter he says, expect O patronum, so the whole book's in Latin. I I mean the space, the level of understanding of nature that had So they Pascal wager and Chris decides to and again trade his gun in for God. Yes What he says that's what Ray recommends is like trade that gun for God Steel shank ray gun change your gun in for God Where's that Christian moving I would like to see a store where it's like a you know goals for cash for gold But it's guns for God and he just goes out he just takes him over their Chris over and then he just handed in and there's like Years across

Gun for God now you're done And now we learn a little bit more detail about the witnesses these are the fire breathing monora juz that this movie keeps teasing us with uh... but we end up back at the church here right and so there's two things i want to point out about the church scene the first is crit crit brings up the idea that they got to get it on live tv because it turns out Vladimir Putin now controls all the television

Why cuz he's the president of the universe probably the same reason he controls all the currency? Who the fuck knows that's the answer. That's why he controls everything ever So they bring up to Theo. Hey, we should do it live TV and Theo acts like he has never heard of live TV Right live TV. I love it live TV just the idea of it live TV TV that goes on live people see it they can't not see it because it's happening live I would love for somebody to be like do you have you never seen Saturday Night Live Saturday Night Live what what's a Saturday you say that day after Sunday no that's no, that's a Monday. Yeah, I hate Mondays. Just like Garfield.

Yeah. All right, so just to make sure everybody's caught up on the plan and everything here. So what has happened now? They know that there are these secret fire breathing Jew witnesses at the wailing wall, and the Antichrist won't let anybody in. So now Kirk Cameron is going to team up with steel dick

fucking shark wrestle and get on the Antichrist plane and go to Jerusalem to film the fire breathing Jews put that out on live TV and convince the entire world that Jesus. Now Chloe does not like this plan at all. No, Chloe does not want them to hang around the Antichrist. She is very upset about it and and spend the rest of this movie having a mild snit over it. She actually says the words. This is an actual line I went back and wrote it down. I'm having a lot of trouble with this hanging out with the devil thing. You know just like women never want you to hang out with your fucking friends. devil thing. You know, just like women never want you to hang out with your fucking friends. God, you said it was okay if I went out. It was okay. I just, I was lonely and I just

want to know like why you always want to hang out with the devil instead of hanging out with me. I don't always want to hang out with the devil, baby. Just hadn't seen the devil in a while. Oh, I see. Well, you hadn't seen me in a while. Anyways, it was like, are you going to be this way with our children? Clue, we're gone! Don't take my name and thing! Ha ha ha ha! So, now we cut to the scene of SteelGrip headphone jacked, trying to convince the stewardess lady from the first movie. Now again, if you didn't see the first movie,

the stewardess lady in the first movie wanted to fuck herself some pilot. Yes. She wanted some pilot day she wanted the vitamin so he basically shows up to the hangar where his presidential of the universe plane is like I want to fly the plane yes that's that's how you get that job you walk into an active hanger if you want to come a pilot and you just ask a stewardess for a job yeah yeah the students is like yeah I don't know we're

gonna fly out right now. It's like an equity open call. Everyone else is sitting out there being like, oh, man, fuck, it should have gotten my pilot card. You just kissed a walk in there. They don't let you use the hanger bathroom unless you're already an equity pilot. And of course he's swearing his pilot outfit.

Yeah, exactly. We stress for the job. It's nice. No, this woman is, okay, in the last movie she was a stewardess that got hired by the UN, but she hasn't been introduced at all in this film. So you're just kind of left out there all on your own, but basically you can tell they had a relationship because he walks up and he's like, hey, how do you get, she turns away.

He's like, well, how do you, I'm sorry, she's just, no, I'm over it. Look how over it I am. And fuck you. That's how over at I am I'm so over at the fuck you fuck you radium half life. I don't like you anymore So she so she's like hey you wouldn't fuck me You don't get this job at which point he convinces her by going listen. I'm a pilot ideal in facts Yes, which is I mean yes all people who have jobs that are things deal in facts pretty much everyone except

Preachers have jobs to deal in facts. He could have been like I'm a tow truck driver Your job is related to the physical universe that is true well and then she says well I don't know I saw you with a Bible and there's a lot of folks out there saying that my boss is the anti christ to which he basically says oh come on had you we've known a little bit of a long time if i ever accused anybody of being the anti christ you know i'm not that kind of guy like four five times you're not you're not excellent now that i think about you're not a accused people of being the anti christ kind of guy no you can have the job you can you like the plane then he turns to the camera and strokes invisible beard he's like Godter I am a crazy

person who thinks someone's the antichrist by the way he actually basically does that later on in the movie I'll point it out when it happens but he basically actually winks at the camera at one point oh I know exactly what we're talking about. Yeah, we're talking about that. He literally does go like, got you. Yes, yes. Yeah, fuck. Like a 1950s TV show, what a gun. No, we got to retake that, dude. Oh, suddenly he had a gold tooth for no reason.

Yeah, I would love that he kept doing that. Can you please stop looking at the camera? No, I think this is what I need to do. No one tells you to be blade audible.com what to do. That's what I'm talking about. No one tells you to be able to play the audible.com what to do. Fucking circles around his head like the end of a looney tunes cartoon. That's Ray Fert, but it's Dan Kim and Violet. So now we move back to the church where Chloe is, she's going to talk to the preacher.

And apparently she's gone to talk to him about whether or not it's okay with God if she fucks Buck Williams now that the rapture's happened or whatever, but she does it in the worst possible way because she clearly makes Theo think she wants to fuck him I preach your man. I just wanted to know about Dick can you tell me about the cock right relationships and god who hasn't been in theos position where she's like so i have a friend who like really wants to date someone she knows really well and you're like yeah uh-huh well maybe that person would be open to it so i should ask fuck out oh yeah fuck yes that's Oh, I thought you meant I have this erection for a different reason

I was just thinking about that dead kid from Syria That's why And right at the beginning that scene by the way, it's this weird moment she walks in and passes you goes Yeah, okay, I have a seat. I'll talk to you about that. And Chloe says, yeah, thanks. And awkwardly just remains standing. And keeps talking. And he's like, no, please have a seat. Seriously, go fall down.

Seriously, it's weird now. I'm gonna sit down while we talk. And she kept standing. And it seemed like they got a fight about this, like the two actors before the thing. And like, just don't do the thing where you stand up. And she did it again. And he was like visibly pissed that she did it.

To be fair, in between these movies movies when she ate her way from the front to the back of a hostess truck, she lost the use of her knees and so that actress was literally unable to sit down. It's the diabetes, yeah. I figured it was more for the character that she's just so hungry for dick. She's like, I can't sit down right now. Right, right. I'll sit down that chair. We'll slide inside, dude. That's how it went.

That chair will be just dripping after I'm done with it. But, uh, so I'm going to be like, oh, did you get in a water fight in your office? That's what I'm talking about. I'm like, Rand Paul, I'm wearing three sets of depends just to hold in the gouge fest. So apparently the pastor basically says and paul i'm wearing three sets of the pens to hold in the gush fest

so apparently the pastor basically says it's okay to give him an over-the-pants handy so she heads over to bucks place with a mission and when she gets there of course forehead lady with nothing on her forehead is there uh-oh uh-oh right and she and for a lady is wearing a ring so what what, what Chloe takes away from this is not, he's sleeping with another woman, but he's engaged to another woman because there's a woman there in a bathroom and she wears an engagement ring, which is a fucking crazy thing to think. Yes, that's basically like, oh well, I don't understand why a lamp would be in his apartment if he doesn't own

that lamp, that must be his room. I saw shoes in his apartment he has 95 pairs of shoes like no he's having a party it is a crazy weird thing just like any woman who's in your home who's wearing an engagement ring must be your fiance. I also want to point out that Chloe's fuck me dress and her I kind of knew this person funeral dress are the same outfit yeah she's just got to one exactly it's the only dress she fits in after what happened in between movie one and movie

it's the only dress that has been completely soaked by her bad everyday in between these two movies was a cheat day so i've he cock blocks clowy and then and then we then we move back to the house so that we can get in the middle of the Antichrist is about to destroy the world or whatever we can get. He was at a girl at his apartment level drama. Because what we needed, you know, what we needed to add to this movie about the Annie Christ was some family drama. Oh, yes. Some some Christian relationship drama where nothing's at stake because no one's so much as fucking hell pants.

I feel so betrayed. Why? You have a less intimate relationship than steel blade Christnack. Well, I love that they have to go with the the he's engaged thing because they can't say like fucking some slut in this movie They can't even imply that he must be fucking somebody so they have to say engaged You know, it's like it's like it reminds me of my high school biology teacher that would say stuff like So if a black cat married a white cat Sorry if you guys all had my old biology teacher, that's way funnier. If you guys had my high school biology teacher.

The white cat's parents would say how well spoken the black cat is. The class act of a cat. The white cat's grandmother would freak out. And then talk about how she voted for Obama. I don't understand the metaphor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I love that. She's this thing.

Like, she wants to go fuck fuck. And then, uh, and then she's like, oh, you're in a committed relationship with somebody. How dare you. Yeah, I hate you. And then it's just so easily fixed because he just, Kurt Cameron just comes out and goes, what? No, that's my friend Ivy. What are you talking about? She goes, oh, no, under my let's go fuck and also

basically look again it's been a week these characters met seven days ago and Kirk is saying hey can I come over and fuck your daughter and he's like yeah I'll talk to what I can I'll try to help you out with that exactly Raytheon drone strike is phone brokering sex between his daughter and Kirk Cameron. He is so on board for those two to flock He's like please have sex with my daughter I want you to become fuck Williams and show how it's done. I just want to fuck you vicariously through my daughter Say any chance I can't be gay now because of the whole god thing But if you could fucker then it would be like me fucking you

But if you could fucker, then it would be like me fucking you. But before he can go over and clear up this bullshit rejected threes company fucking script of a misunderstanding, the anti-Christ slash president of earth drops in on him and shows up at the roof of his apartment. Right, and the way that he gets him up there is they reverse the elevator. Like how does that staff meeting go? So like, guys, here's my plan. Like we reverse the elevator so he'll push floor, but then he goes up to the penthouse and he's going to be like, what was?

You get what I'm talking about, right? I don't know, that seems like a lot of work. I was just waiting for him in the lobby and walking upstairs. No, I want to, I want the elevator going the opposite way away. He pushes the buttons come on I feel like that's supposed to be some intimidating thing like like oh I control the elevators Which anybody can simply hack into but I it would have been way scarier if he just showed up in his apartment And was just there and was like hey, what's up? I want you to work for me But it's like I want you to come to the roof and I'm gonna use this elevator and have it

Go backwards and then I'm gonna be waiting for you on the roof. Yeah, cuz I've been there. I've been here for like a couple of hours This was a huge this is a huge inconvenience. I watched you. I'm really hungry We've been listening to you take a shit You watched all of swept away. We just I just stood up here on this cold up here Yeah, and that's the other thing too us it's night like this was a schedule trip they didn't get them on the way to work or anything so if he didn't decide to leave his house that evening he was just stuck their toe morning i guess

he learned how to wait for people in the same people as the assassin from the first movie just like that right so they go upstairs and not see ted dancin basically decides that the antichrist basically has a breakup conversation with Buck where he's like, Buck, I have an hunt for him. Yeah, so I have a job. So busy with work and you know like my I so busy it's not you. It's me like literally they're having a breakup and then and then he's like,

No, I mean, I guess if the UN controls controls the media we could still like hang out and stuff we can we can newsflix and chill well the enter crisis very he is very he's like I would have been like if I was but wait until you just reversed and elevated get me up here like just call me yeah just call me next time or something like I can't do this I can't keep doing this. You got to respect the boundaries, bro. Right, exactly. And I love that Bucks demands for whether or not he can do it.

Are very clearly I want the ability to fuck you over. He's just like, okay, well, if I'm going to work for you, I want a switch that cuts off all of your control in case I do something to fuck you over. Which I would never do. I would never do. Yeah. And the antichrist is like, sure, yeah, why not? What's funny is that this antichrist the whole time because Kirk Hammond and Pilot make adventure man, they keep like thwarting the antichrist and doing all that secret stuff and they keep making it seem like the antichrist

who's super all powerful. I keep being like, oh, he's gonna know something's up or he's gonna know that buck is doing something secret over that's why he keeps finding buck. No, he has no fucking clue what they're doing He completely trust buck and I'm like you're so all power of antichrist and this journalist guy is just Fucking you over and you have no idea Yeah, the suspense of this movie is is the antichrist ever going to find out anything that anyone does and don't worry Nothing that anyone in this movie does even though the Antichrist constantly talks to people like he knows We learn that that's just a speech Activitation you must go up to waiters at the restaurants. I think I'll have

the soup Assuming that it's not actually poison.'s not poison I'll just bring it a soup all right we don't have soup here we don't we don't oh no soup here huh you're sure you didn't steal the soup no we didn't steal the I don't I'm sorry we don't very well my friends I feel like we do have soup because you're so you're so short of Maybe I know for a fact you don't have any maybe check check in the kitchen again. All right. I'll go check Now now they're still not soup. Oh, okay my friend. I trust you. I know that it never lie to me Where did the spoon now if you could do that exact same thing only like try to sound like a proscient noble pretending to be chetchanian

You've nailed it. Exactly. Alright, so of course when the whole fucking antichrace showing up on the roof thing happened, important shit was going on this movie. We were about to go over and clear things up with Chloe. So quickly we get back to that. You know, we wouldn't want the plot to fucking fall apart here or anything. Right, and this is the point where I mentioned this briefly earlier before but this is the point where basically

cloy calls upstairs dad there's a man here who won't leave me alone and grenade fireclaw is like it's okay go fuck yourself i'm in the shower he really wants to start a good wants to start you need it just shut up and take it

at which point she gives buck nine minutes she goes you have nine minutes. Why? Who the fuck knows? This movie loves the signing. Seven years of peace and nine minutes to convince her to throw a friend out. Let you in the house. Who knows? And I wrote down in my notes,

it's a good thing a guy didn't answer the door. Otherwise she would have been like, Dad, Buck is gay. Right. Yeah. Oh no, my guy's telling off. He's like, you're engaged to a man The dearies dog runs to the door. Oh my god. Jack and Bucks have been fucking animals

Do you think whoever answers someone's stars who they fuck yeah, that's how works right? That's why I've been fucking grenade fire clothes. Oh My god, do I not have to do that to answer the door? Can't area. But the answer is yes, so that would be fucking me. So then we go to Nikolai and the antichrist at this point is started dressing like a Dementor, which I approve of. He dresses like a Death Eater.

He's also switched accents. He says, now a Transylvania carnival Barker. Exactly. He talks about how thousands of people have flacked to the wall and so he needs to create one religion of tolerance, Harmony and peace again. That's the villains plan in the movie to create a religion of tolerance, harmony and peace and then he points to a religion of tolerance, harmony, and peace. And then he points to a televangelist preacher, the best possible example of the harms that religion do. And he goes, how does this create harmony and turns it off? And we're like, that's a great fucking place.

That doesn't create. I wanted him to turn on the volume and the guy to just be like, all those faggots trying to get married. And he's doing it. They get each other's poop and do do poop they eat do do they got season in the lottings

I would love that yeah that goes on and then he just looks and he goes this is what I'm trying to get rid of and it curcam� just like listen someone's out there and can recut that clip so that it cuts to a clip of the pastor manning he's lotting out yeah pastor manning I will knit you a fucking sweater clip so that it cuts to a clip of the past remaining these lotting out after panting and you are fucking sweater

because i will watch that and giggle myself the fuck to sleep so then they have their airport will always have shabuigan moment and were off to the to the plane where fucking steel dick shark cages is gonna fly him to Jerusalem. Right.

And the plane in this movie is so clearly been used before and after to shoot porn on. Yes. They can barely, they're still come dripping down the windows. Of this plane, it's just like everything's got circular beds that turn and circle This is the meeting room. There are panties on that wall Guys, we said we would take all the panties before Kirk got here. Now he's crying in his trailer. I Saw the devil's lace. I saw the devil's lace And also this is the part where

And also this is the part where laser blade grenade shot decides to go like rooting around on the airplane to see if he can find clues Right, but he's sneer around the plane like he's not allowed to be on the plane He's the pilot. Yes, anyone walked in anywhere on the plane and was like what are you doing here? He'd be like, oh, I'm the fucking pilot. I am allowed to be anywhere on the plane and was like what are you doing here he'd be like oh I'm the fucking pilot I am allowed to be anywhere on the plane because I am the pilot I can walk into the middle of that room like hey guys I'm the pilot just checking to go fuck yourself because I'm the pilot. You said no nervous and suspicious throughout that whole time and I know he's doing something he shouldn't but I'm like dude you gotta have a little more confidence and again I was like oh the anti-christ knows something's out that's why I know no no

Nope, nope the hey christ has no idea what's going on He just talks to everybody like that exactly But this guy's walking around like that one guy you're smoking a joint with in the park that you think to yourself Wow, I should not have smoked a joint with this guy. Oh, yeah, do you hear that? Is that a siren? Is that a siren? I don't know man. Maybe it is a, yeah. Do you hear that? Is that a siren? Is that a siren? I don't know, man. Maybe it is a siren. They don't send sirens for us.

That's what I'm talking about. Diving into the bushes. I don't know, man. What if I ever want to work for the government? I don't know. Right now, we're smoking pot in Washington Square Park. The chances don't look good for you working in that government. That's what I'm talking about. So now we get, and I just want this again very minor point here, but while he's looking around for clues again

That's always looking for there's no fucking they don't he there's not even like they can't even think of a fucking MacGuffin that he can be trying to get like following footprints through the airplane Exactly with a big fucking magnifying glass or something like that. But he comes across this briefcase and he seems completely baffled by it. Oh by the brief by how to open a briefcase at all. He's trying to figure out the combination here or anything.

He's trying to figure out it looks like he's trying to figure out what the fuck this thing is. Right. How briefcase is operateating that is what yet of this character's journey is like wait is this a box? If this the lid doesn't come off, but oh no the back is sealed shut what a terrible box Do I tap it put that when two three shave in a haircut? And Kirk of course watches for him He's like don't worry. I'll keep watch while you try and open that briefcase

And he's like oh this is fucking impossible So he doesn't walk away But don't worry because The antichrist keeps all of his evil plans on his laptop Conveniently in the folder labeled evil world domination And he actually has that window open too. Like I'm thinking. Evil emails.

Oh perfect, perfect. He's got it right there. Right. Like apparently the anti-Christ laptop is less protected than mine. Exactly. I know to close out the windows on my strangle porn, but the anti-Christ doesn't figure out to close out the windows on his evil world domination plot. I think he'd surf for that in cognino. And this is where

the fucking now, okay, so he's copying because they conveniently have discs sitting right next to the laptop with the evil plans on the stack of GameCube blank CDRs. Exactly, exactly like you do. He overwrote Mario Dumbledore. By the way, he just puts the CD in and that immediately downloads the exact one email that he wanted onto that CD. That's how that was. He just put it in. He forced his way into getting those plans. He went in there, didn't know how to use a briefcase, found a computer, opened it up, found some blank discs, put it in there, and was like, hope this copies it. It works. The files are inside the computer.

Ah! Yeah, except that he just started dating it. I gotta get it out. And just as he gets the CD out and closes it, the anti-Christ walks out. And again, because he talks to everybody, like they have a giant knife behind their back, they have this very weird interaction.

But my favorite part is he goes, oh, I was just coming back to give you the ETA and he goes, give it to me. And he is written it on a post at note, whereas everywhere else in the world you just go, oh, we'll be landing at 4 p.m. on a post at note. He's like, great. There it is. So is 4 p.m. is that what I'm put to believe? I'm not holding the subset down. We're not going to reach it in 0-0-4 seconds. I just want to make sure. Okay.

I felt like the pilot, yeah, Steele was like, he was like, I have to have a reason why I'm walking around. I know. I'll write the ETA on a postcard. If anybody asks me, I'm delivering this. And yeah, that's what he uses. And I like that whole, like, give it to me. And then I was like, oh, does he know something?

He's like, the ETA. Give me the ETA. And he goes, oh, yeah, sure. And then I love this moment. This is like what they use all their budget for this best of that. Like he holds his hand. And then he turns into Kirstie Ellie.

Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, Chloe turned into cursed the alley. No, I just did a ring race. Yeah, there's black eyes in that evil face. There's like a flash of light and then he becomes this evil look and he just has this confused look on his face. And he's like, is anything wrong? Did I become hideously ugly?

Oh, the eyes just left your skull. Oh, sorry. I'm on Accutane right now. You know how that is? Allegies are bitch these time of seasons. Now, obviously we're all dying for something to happen in this fucking movie. I hate to delay it even further, but we need to take a quick break before we move into act three. So first, let me give this the hard sell here. Will the Antichrist fulfill as nefarious plans of a well-fed and peaceful world? Will somebody finally fuck somebody?

Will Raiden Injust swords and have it with these motherfucking antichrists on this motherfucking plane find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the habit-todonous conclusion of Left Behind 2, Tribulation Force. Hello and welcome to Fox News. Turns out we were right all along, haha. I'm the demon living in the skin of Megan Kelly. Tonight our final two presidential candidates take center stage for the first time.

On one side, it's Senator Crante Tice, the broker of the Nuclear Disarmament Act, coordinator of the Hunger No More program, and the world peace agreement. On the other side is a Palestinian rabbi who doesn't know what germs are. Gentlemen, thank you for joining me. Thanks for having us.

I am the way and the light. Sure, y'all. So let's start with the issue on everybody's mind. Mr. Christ, this question is for you. Your father killed all the babies and good people in the world, which has pulled with a shocking 100% negativity with people still on the planet. Can you still lead this country?

Thank you, Megan. Well, first off, I think it's only fair to point out that people have failed to look at the bright side of this. Shopping malls are much less crowded. No more crying babies on airplanes. Also, all of the Christians are gone, so there seems to be a lot less religious hatred. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Senator, your response? Well, uh, I respect my opponent, but if made present in this nation, I will not allow people and children to be murdered randomly according to age and belief.

And that's something my opponent and I are just going to have to agree to disagree on, I guess. And apparently I have a southern accent now. I'm the son of God. Right. Remind me of what he does about rape again? Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen now uh... calm down senator cranty tights i i should mention that there's been a fairly vocal minority led by your opponent in

this country that is accused you of being the anti christ what do you have to say to that well thank you maegan for the opportunity to discuss this uh... glad we get to air this out once and for all listen i have stated for the record again and again that I am not the anti-Christ. But let's say I am for a second. Let's say my plan was to bring a thousand years of darkness and to rule the world, destroy all religion and unites humanity while getting rid of famine and nuclear war. What would you rather have? The way he would run things? Or someone who happens to be the son of the fallen star? Because hey, what am I going to do? Kill all the babies? Ah, that's a pretty good point. And finally, gentlemen, what do you think is your biggest weakness as a leader? We'll start with you, Senator Cranti-Tice. Well, I think

that we have some differences. I like things the way I like them, and I won't bend on that. I will see a world of peace even if it means ruffle in a few feathers. I like things the way I like them and I won't bend on that. I will see a world of peace even if it means ruffle in a few feathers. I'm serious about them. And Jesus, I can't read. Now that'll be a problem. And despite the better judgment of everyone involved, we're back when we last left our heroes, they were on their way to Jerusalem because they still had some establishing shots left over from the last movie. Now at this point, Kirk and Ray Barré wrestler Feng's worth are hanging out in a hotel on a totally non-gay way checking out the secret plans.

So the bad guys' plans is to announce that Nikolai is the Messiah. Yes. And so what they've found on the plans is basically the speech that they've given the world's most important Jewish scholar who defeated Bobby Fisher and the Jewish scholar Elo tournament is that she is gonna announce that Nikolai is the Messiah. Yes, this is the biggest piece of news in the history of the world that we heard about earlier, yeah. And instead they're gonna try and convince him to announce that Jesus was the Messiah a fact so boring

We could go this is the biggest piece of news in history. Yeah, I feel like to like for that plan Like for them just to have some guy come out and be like Nigolize the Messiah and everybody just go that's right You did it you figured well, then that's absolutely gotta be right because this guy told us I love it to when they're reading these plans and like they're reading it and it's saying this stuff and Kurt Cameron Sort of has like a little kid tantrum about it, and it's just like yeah, Jesus is the Messiah not Nikolai That's not right. How are they gonna convince the Jew man to say this and he's the head of Jews? So apparently whatever he says

and he's the head of so apparently whatever he says on the side of that sticks he's in charge of the muslims too in the sense that he's the number one religious scholar and they they listen to him there are no muslims in this movie oh no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no Jerusalem? They just cut that film out and burned it. They were like, ah, no, no! Yeah, like there's like an airplane going on the background of water, or what, or there's something? Fuck! Fuck! Ruin another one! Um, so now, so they, they, they plan in the hotel room and we cut to the church where the burned fireman from before is dying and Chloe who has just come from

you know all you can eat lobster fest. She's got cheddar pay biscuits in either hand still is basically like can I read to you and I wanted more than anything she pulled up the Bible like can I read to you from the Bible and I wanted more than anything for him to just be like no no I'll pass I'll just sit here feeling my That's all right because you know better

Right and while he's well she's reading I be the formerly forehead chick shows up And of course, and she doesn't have any more shit on her forehead. She can now love Jesus correctly Right exactly, but they have a they have a perfectly reasonable conversation where Ivy just decides at the end Not to deal with it. She's like so you believe in magic Which is by the way what I call religion all the time so it gave me a real giggle and she goes it's not magic It's fate a different word for magic It's like when you meet a girl who calls herself a witch and you're like, oh, you're a witch, I'm a wickin'. So you're a witch.

You just have a dumber of words and I think. I think. So. To which a response is platitude, platitude, platitude and I mean double birds it away. She's just like, okay, good luck with your Jesus shit. I mean, that was, this is another one of those moments where it's like, do you feel this way audience? Double birds it away. She's just like okay, good luck with your Jesus shit That was this another one of those moments where it's like do you feel this way audience? Do you feel like it's just magic?

Yeah, it's not it's something much more than that like that's been reaching out to us to be like believe with us Yeah, thank you choice Yeah, I but I love that that's the straw man that we get is that like somehow we don't want to believe And it's not that we we've been presented with the evidence and it's not heartbreaking that as a child this ligate is taken away. You know, it's like when people find out about Santa if we were like, well, do you want to believe in Santa? No, I mean, you can't anymore because I'm a grown-up. Oh, really? Or is it just because you choose not to believe in Santa?

No, it's because there's no fucking Santa. Right? Right. What if I feel Santa in my heart? If you ever looked at a sunset, what the fuck does that mean? When my grandma died, a rose grew on her grave. Yeah, they put rose seed in the soil so that stupid people like you will see the flower and think it's magic. the soil so that stupid people like you will see the flower and think it's magic. It's to cover up the smell of rock which is actually happening to grandma. So then a bot goes to see the head Jew. Who is an ancient Israel? This seat explain in people are beating carpets and leading goats around in the background apparently jews all the ancient israel not just a Israel yeah

well this is so that current camera can look a little more indiana jones a little more christian indiana jones that's definitely what this was for like he's travel all the way to israel to take this guy down and talk to men juta is named by the way which is also a very interesting name. It's why this bad is the what was the guy from the last time I am Rosen's way yeah Rosen 's way the last the movie the Jew in the last movie was called high-em Rosen's way this guy's name to Ben Judah I assume in the third movie his name will be Jewish Jewish Jewish Jewish nice like Donald Trump Jewish name Jewish name

And a couple of things first of all the rabbi who is the formal scholar in the world does not have a beard no Yeah However, the three gentlemen who he's sitting at the table with are not only do they have beards However, the three gentlemen who he's sitting at the table with are not only do they have beards They're dovening which is that rocking back and forth kind of praying that Jews do but they do it when they pray We don't just do it on autopilot Jews aren't autistic kids on the Not just always rocking back and forth and if you watch this film when he walks over the Jews who are not praying are just like Walks over the Jews who are not praying are just like

That's how I communicate right what's wrong with your friend. Oh, he's really got a pee They're like peas they have a a Jew dance that they do to communicate. I'm sure I'm sure of it I can totally see like the director Kirk Cameron really be like yeah, that's what you all do right Just do that throughout the whole movie just doing that. That's a thing Oh, no one who played a Jew in this movie was a Jew. We know what it is now. That's a Jew. That's why the name is... If there was a Jew in this movie, they would have been like,

Oh, guys, just so you know, our names aren't high and rosin swag and Jew'd up and Jew'd. Just try some different ones. Just try some different ones. It says, Jewishing. It says, Jewishing. It's a stick to the script. Asterisk, Jewish the script asterisk

jewishing asterisk yeah so they go to the wailing wall and the plan seems to be for brick stab guns to just be misdirection but essentially they walk over to the wall and they're like hey you can't go here, I just want to point out that before this, Nicolai makes it very clear and he says in several different scenes that if anyone approaches the whaling wall, they'll be shot on site. This is so well known that when Kirk calls Chloe later to tell them what they're about to do, she says, no, you can't do that because everybody who goes to the whaling wall will

be shot on site like everyone knows this in the entire world except for Rabbi Ben Juju and The the fucking guards The aren't fucking willing one site Shoot on site means when you see them not when they would not it's not a game of red light green light with a gun You know real still. That's what shoot on sight means. But this is one of my favorite moments is when Bear's

Hat Man 2 uses his Jedi powers to, this is what I realized, like, oh, they want people to believe in Christianity and God because you'll get the ability to stop time whenever you write exactly And now that is precisely what happens by the way Latino woman and a Negro spiritual Right exactly the the woman from the Mormon underwear from earlier in the movie who we never met and have no idea who she is Comes out of the word work sings amazing grace and it stops time and for those who have listened to more than one of our episodes This is the second movie in which Christians have stopped time

Just Zach Morris pops up time out and they walk past the guards it worked perfect She comes out of nowhere. Well, he first see I think he's like a Grammy strength and then she appears and it's like Sing Sam and then he just starts walking out and then all the guys are like no No, no, no, stop time and I was just like are you trying to get people to believe that if they give themselves to Christ That they'll have these powers eventually It's like they're trying to promote I guess but yes, that's exactly what actually fucking happens is in this fucking movie abs punch steel cock starts fucking walking and time fucking movie. Ab's punch steel cock starts fucking walking and time freezes because a black woman in magic underwear saying amazing grace which I'm just so pissed that they went with

that same cliche again like guys how many fucking times we watched a movie and the last second the fucking guy summons a spiritual fucking angel woman to sing amazing grace to freeze time guys get a new fucking I I'm not saying that's Leo lives whatever So then we finally get to the the witnesses right this entire movie has been like about these two guys that are at the Whaling wall that they're trying to get to and when we get there they're just two old dudes quoting Bible verses. Yep. Confucius and Moses just hanging out alone. Right. They look like the Lord of the Ring dwarves. The entire movie we've been set up that they're going to speak this truth. They're going to

say this wisdom and they just quote John 3 sixteen the most plattitude and common jesus it's a verse i knew before i read the bible i was like i don't know there's one that they use a wrestling tournaments where people right all the people have that that would be great if one of the witnesses was stonkontz you know that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that but instead they were doll some from fucking street fighter right there was a yoga flame definitely there's a thing to think to yoga throughout this film we have been promised fire breathing juice

indeed when the bad guys come to shoot them they are bulletproof and literally breathed fire at the bad guys with level of crazy. Which causes them to immediately throw their guns on the ground. Because that's what happens when fire comes towards you. You just throw your salt rifle down and become engulfed in flame.

I wrote in my notes at this point bulletproof magical dragon juice just killed soldiers with fire breath. I give up. Yeah, exactly. I love this movie. Yes. So then the Pillsbury Doeboy's older sister is just casually encouraging the fireman

to die. Yes. But first he has to apologize. First he apologizes. He says a fireman who died saving people in a fire and he has to ask God for forgiveness and then he dies. Well, and of course I've he showed back up because apparently she's always wanted to watch a man die and and he looks up at Chloe and he basically has the most fucking anodine I'm gonna die moment. He's like pardon me ma'am but I'd like to die painlessly and without medication as burden victim so often do I have exactly

three minutes left and he advice right exactly and her advice is apologize to the demon that killed you at which point when he dies Ivy immediately is like he was so happy no he wasn't he't. He was covered in birch. Yeah, I love how Ivy compliments Chloe. Like that was really good. You did, you got your great shot. Oh my God, and other people dying. Ha ha ha.

You really watched that guy die to get best of your ability. We watched the shit out of that guy dying together. Yes, we did. Ha ha ha ha. That's good, they fought. This is a great scene. Did we cut now? You made his dying breath be an apology to somebody that's not there. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha for this whole movie where they're supposed to crown Nikolai Messiah since he's already president of the universe. There's not a lot of titles you can take from

there but there's one and he wants it dammit. Right and also this is how badly planned out this movie is. Nikolai is in Israel and he goes I regret I cannot be there but he is there. Right he's got a lead. Yeah. Like they couldn't have delayed his schedule. The guy's supposed to be there in an hour to announce that he's got a lead. Like they couldn't have delayed his schedule. The guy's supposed to be there in an hour to announce that he's the Messiah, and they couldn't rearrange his schedule so he could be there to be announced Messiah, but they had to do that

because he can't be there, otherwise he'd be like, no, it's me. So instead, he's just like, well, so there's a late lunch that I just could not push back. Well, now to be fair though, Brian Williams's roof was open for a moment and he had to talk with him in the next three days. So he has to wait on the roof there. Oh, but when he goes up the upstairs, they're going to be down. I'm a genius. So he goes on his plane on the fuck mobile and then the announcement happens and the Jewish guy gets up and he says this is an international announcement an international

announcement on the identity of the Messiah yeah um he goes only one and a hundred million people fits these criteria and I was like like, so millions and millions and millions of people throughout history. A hundred and hundreds at the very least. But like, the impression here is like, he basically gets up there and he goes like, we have scientifically identified the Messiah. And the prophecy she's talking about our stuff like,

this is one of the ones they actually mentioned, he will be impaled but not break a bone. Yeah, I kept trying to understand that I was like, well if you got a pale, then let's you specifically Impaled on someone's bone right Okay, we're not gonna break a bone That's a lot of people. What does that even fucking mean? I want to see some guy who was watching the broadcast sit at home eating potato chips It has cash. He's like, wait a minute. I've been in pale never never broke my bone. Am I? I was born in BuzzFan. What about this side?

Egypt? Well, I love the guy right before he starts going into this impaled but didn't break a bone and went to Egypt once when he was again. He says, the Bible has given clear prophecy. And I'm like, no, let me stop you right there, man. It's at least one too many words in that sentence. I'm gonna stop you the word clear And I'm gonna keep you stopped at the word prophecy. Yeah

Prophecy is things that happen in the book you didn't write JK Rowling doesn't know the future because she knew what happened at the end of Harry Potter But he fulfilled all the prophecy, Z-Li. Well, didn't they say he fulfilled 20 out of 109? Isn't that the number they feel? Yes, yeah. This guy fulfilled 20 out of 100. Where were the other, he's probably good for the other 89.

We didn't check it. We're gonna make him to massage. It's fine, it's fine. It's fine, it's fine. Actually, in 20, it's all good, don't we? I still just can't wrap. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine go with from now on. And then he announces on national televisions that Jesus was the Messiah. And I just wrote in my notes, Boo says everyone who thought they were going to hear news. Yeah, right. And everyone in the crowd reacts like, oh, who is this Jesus? I would have been like, right, but who's the Messiah now? Oh, it's still Jesus. Why did we get together?

I've heard of Jesus. I love the thing cuts a field who acts like he's watching a football game and his favorite team just scored. Yeah. Christal Lord. Christal Lord. Christal Lord.

Christal Lord. Christal Lord. Oh, and of course, the empty Christ could stop all of this and cut the feed since he controls all of television now But ray grit blood job stole the thing from the thing so he can't use his radio and this is the moment Yeah, it's the moment basically just turns to the camera and say see this is supposed to go into radio But I took it out earlier when they weren't looking It's just fuse. Yeah, he has a cell phone and he's gonna remember that in a minute

But it'll be too late by then. I expected it to zoom in and it just to say like communications fuse with a winky little extra. Yeah, I love that it takes it out to just kind of be like, remember what I did this? That was a good job. Yeah, break glass in case of anti-crisis plot. Yeah, perfect. This is perfect.

I got this guy foiled. last in case of anti-Christ plot Perfect. This is perfect. I got this guy foiled. Eli by the way, um, you're you're you're Jewish. What it who's the number one rabbi in the world in the real world right now? Who's the number one ranked rabbi? Let's say he announced that Jesus was the Messiah do is that how that works with with all the Jewish people? Converse. Oh, yeah, no yeah no I mean whoever the number one right rabbi is yeah so you know one of them shat as pants the other day and we all just universally well I'm curious to know who is the number because he and I have a fantasy jew league draft coming up soon so I am kind of curious who the number one ranked yeah they're giving away a million dollars a week guys

I've seen all the numbers for a dollar. The Associated Press poll has Mel Gibson at the top, but they're not reliable. You guys seen that movie where Matthew McConaughey and Al Pacino try and pick who the best war rabbi's gonna be? I'm just gonna get a match of money. Who are? You cannot lose money on this bet.

This movie makes no sense. How could this possibly be a thing should lose list was guys so that's what it is it's a fantasy that's we're gonna make a fantasy rabbi league and we're gonna call it shinlers list i'm in third pay us

anyway uh... so then we cut back to nika li's very upset that he was not announced as the Messiah She has a little yell at heaven where he's talking about he's like He's an over he's basically the claw from Inspector gadget. Oh Jesus next time she's a Chelsea noble the haddie the sluddy Sturdis comes up to him to like comfort him I guess she's like yeah, sorry you didn't get named the Messiah

How does this even matter to his place the anti-Christ? Why does he need to be named anything? I don't understand how he could he could just be the anti-Christ So it he just didn't change exactly then we get the like Friendship end of the Sandlot montage where Kirk very rudely He's still in, he just needs to change. Exactly. Then we get the like friendship and the Sandlot montage where Kirk very rudely walks into a church in the middle of a service. And everyone's just hugging him and talking to him. And if I were in that church, I would have been like,

I'm rude. We're all actually already singing a song. I was like, this is, you know, just walk in like with swagger, like I did it everyone Like a WWE character. Oh my god, it's the undertaker and he walks up So and that's where the movie ends because they don't really feel like they need to close stuff off here So for the TLDR crowd here's the whole movie magic fire breathing dwarves showed up at the wailing wall And a Jew told everyone in Israel that emaciated Johnny Bravo isn't the Messiah and That and a ray come for video on YouTube and you've seen this whole fucking movie. I do believe

Yeah, you crushed it. Do it. All right, so let's try to measure this movie by its own standards here. Are any of you guys convinced to turn your lives over to Christ now? I already have. Well, I would like to say I personally am waiting to hear from the world's most popular rabbi, but once I hear from her and her, if he's seen the movie, he's convinced that I like everyone else on the planet will be convinced. Gotcha. Gotcha, gotcha. I did realize now that I'm a terrible person because I look at people and have...

Yeah, you're a murderer. I'm a murderer and I just want to kill everyone. I got to realize that. Alright, alright, so you're on the Jesus path, whether you know it or not. So, alright, now, it's something that occurs to me as we watch this. I'm going to ask you guys for some predictions because obviously the Antichrist has to fight Jesus in the next one. So, I'm dying to know how that's going to go down.

What do you guys think? What kind of weapons does Jesus get? Does Gay Putin soften him up with some ninja demons first? What do we expect then? I'm going to guess that they set up a grand battle royale, but instead everyone just prays and then Putin explodes in the 30 seconds of CGI that they had left for the budget. Yeah, I feel like it's going to be. They're going to have a montage, a training montage for Jesus, and then they're going to

like pull out a bunch of weapons within the end. They're just going to come together, and then they're just going to be like, do you just going to be like, I love you? And then the end of the crowd is going to be end, they're just gonna come together and then they're just gonna be like, do you just gonna be like, I love you and then the end of the crowd's gonna be like, all right, I'm sorry, I'll get out. I'm thinking it ends with like the, you know, Apollo Creed and Rocky almost punching each other shot. Oh, all right. You're just in the end of Christ.

You don't know who wins. That would be nice. They run on a beach together first. Then there's a pro-credit shot of them lying in bed next to each other smoking. Well, that's one way to figure out who the second coming of Christ is. Bam! Rayford Bramfort speaks in me like, I got the microchip. If only they'd given us this fucking series to finish up.

So Nick, we try to avoid the whole, you know, how many stars concept on this show. So instead of asking how you'd orient your thumb and reference to this movie, I want to ask you this. And I feel like you have some experience here. So how bad would a real apocalypse have to be to be worse than this movie? Are we talking pandemic, zombies, full blown four horseman? Where is it on the spectrum, you think? Um, I would have to say it would have to, you'd have to have an apocalypse where people don't just turn to zombies, they turn into rivers like, uh, like in Firefly rivers, and they just like, they just come and they just

fuck you to death constantly and it's like, and it's just, it's just like horrible ways to die and you're just trying to get away from everyone, and it's's just and everything's on fire and people are peeing blood and shooting out of their but holes and then that could that Maybe by the way, they're shooting out of their but holes now so we're at least part way there I don't tell Nick you shoot out of your but holes wait, where does the shit come on? No, it's fine. It's fine. Thanks so much for doing the podcast man Guys we're in so much trouble So heath what would you say as the worst movie dystopia you would choose to live in rather than watch this movie again? What do you think?

All right, well, I'm gonna say I'd rather live through Jonah Hills demon love scene from this is the end then watch this again i'd like to do that while watching late season episodes of growing all right well in that case who and finally ill i tell me what is the least enjoyable thing that you could do with kirk cameron that would still be better than watching this movie

i would go to a six flags in new jersey with kirk cam Cameron wearing a snow suit in the middle of July rather than watching this movie Hey, snow suit. Well, just couples around me are like hey get back get wasted That is how much I hate it Well, you you had me at New Jersey. Well, Nick, I can't thank you enough for suffering through this with us. I guess the least I could do is give you ample opportunity

to plug your work. So if the listeners would like to hear more from you, where should they go? They can follow me on Twitter. I'm Nick Koreo, 70 at Nick Koreo, 77. And I perform all over New York City at the People's Improv Theater. You can check out stuff there. I perform with Gus, the Gy at the People's Improv Theater.

You can check out stuff there. I perform with Gus, the Gypsy Danger, and the sketch show called the Uncanny Valley. And yeah, I know some of the most stuff I do. Right on, right on. Awesome. And of course, we'll have some of that linked on the description box for this episode. Nick, thanks again. Thank you for having me. This is blast. Now, that's going to do it for our review of Tribulation Force, but that doesn't do it for the episode quite yet,

because before we wrap things up, we're going to take a few minutes to shine a light on our next episode with a quick preview review. So Eli, what's on deck? Left behind world at war! We're finally going to get done with this goddamn thing. Yeah, exactly. Now I have to say, after watching this preview, completely non-facitiously, I'm really excited about the third one. Yeah, me too. I got to admit, this movie looks like it had anywhere between 10 and 20 times the budget of the other two combined. It's got Louis Gossett Jr. in it. Oh, yeah, and they show him in every shot in the preview. They really want you to know. No, we got a real actor. No more of this Kurt Cameron bullshit guys. We got the guy from enemy mind this time guys.

You remember Half Life 2? That guy. And there's going to be snowmobiles and explosions and desert warfare. So now I want to point out two things about this preview that really jumped out me other than how much Louis Gossard Jr. was on camera. A, the Antichrist has a totally different accent again this time. And B, at one point in the preview, he forced Shokes, Lewis Gauss Jr. like Darth Antichrist.

And you know what, to be honest, I'm really glad, because this entire two movie series, I've been waiting for the Antichrist to force Sh force choke someone and it looks like we're finally gonna get it in the third movie list if you're the anti-Christ the first thing you do is figure out what i've tried to force joke people and i don't have any i'm just i just try to all right no i can't do it fine plastic please

now and also we we learn that luis Gossett juniors playing the president and we also learned that he has an academy award because it says on screen for like a solid 90 seconds of this two minute preview academy award winner Louis Gossett junior everyone else who's in the movie well everyone sounds sounds out the word academy in the a good day act cut to my nanny but that the guy from lethal weapon ha ha ha but i love that like they put his name up there and it's as academy award uh... winner luis gossett jr

all the other actors in the movie they do away with with just a name of the character that's the common to the little LCD the lowest common denominator they're going for in this preview is you remember these characters right you couldn't Possibly remember their names hell we don't remember the names They were obviously sitting in the editing room and they were like what's her name? What is her name she's Kirks? Oh?

You know what never mind. Let's just just use their character names. We got Lou God said you we got Lou God I feel like the day they got Lou he came in he was like guys Blessings upon us. We got Lou Goset, Jr. And everyone was like Got good news and bad news. We couldn't book Clarence skill your junior. We could He's got a scheduling conflict good, but we got gossip junior I'm not going to get a good one, but we got Goss of Junior. Yeah, exciting. Explosions. We couldn't get Morgan Freeman, but we got his fat twin, fraternal twin.

So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring Episode 5 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Nick Carrillo for joining us tonight at Anonymous Thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make this show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com. So that's God awful. And thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our

sibling shows, the skating atheists and the scaptocrat available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email god awful movies at gmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Drafts on Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you hear here more by following the link on the show notes to this episode, thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Heath N. Wright, Neelye, Bosnick, I'm no illusions promising to work hard to earn

another chunk next week and till then we'll leave you with a guy from Brooklyn telling you to fuck yourself. Y hasta luego, vamos a ir con un hombre de Brooklyn y te voy a dejar de tuself. ¡Qué muestra de moda! con niños te apuntas.