God Awful Movies - 501: The Second Coming

Episode Date: April 8, 2025

This week, Seth Andrews of the Thinking Atheist podcast joins us for an atheist review of The Second Coming, the final film of GAM legend Ron Ormond. --- Check out more from Seth on The Thinking Atheist and True Stories with Seth Andrews. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/ Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

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Find out more at CapitalOne.com slash Spark Cash Plus. So, but then the narrator takes us to this fucking cemetery to kick off a little rapture montage. And this is where we get to see what Seth was talking about the people having to be spring-loaded to the east We see shit, you know, we see a grave just explode and we're like I'm listening Rod Karen buried in a pez dispenser, immediately sprung to meet God in the air.

God-awful movies! Welcome back to the GameCast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema because after the first 500, we're finally all warmed up. I'm your host Noah Lujansson sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend Heath Enright. Heath welcome back. We got Ron Ormond. I'm so excited.

I can't believe there's more Ron Ormond after 500 episodes. And sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnik. Eli how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Eli's also excited about Ronald. Exactly. Yep. Same. Same.

And we're also excited to welcome in an old friend, but a first-time guest masochist, Seth Andrews is the host of the Thinking Atheist podcast and the author of Deconverted Sacred Cows, Confessions of a Former Fox News Christian and Christianity Made Me Talk Like an Idiot. Love that title. And he's got a voice made of pure caramel. Seth, welcome to the show. It's so kind of you to say I had somebody on the Facebook page said, Honey covered thunder.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. But I don't. Is this my first tango with you guys? I want to. This is your first time. Yeah. We did a show together on my channel.

We were covering, I think one of the Thief in the Night movies or Super Christian or one of the classics, you know? So it is good to be here. Yeah, yeah. We've done a couple on your show. I've had you on scathing before, but this is the, yeah. This is your first foray into God awful movies. Well, I am loaded up with caffeine and existential dread so it should

Excellent and my apologies too and I so I've got my two unofficial mascots, I've got Linus and Gracie my two dogs and Like just right before I went live with you guys I hear the sound that no pet owner wants to hear which is that Turn around it's Gracie and She vomited up one of those hair ties that Natalie uses to put her hair up in a ponytail Yeah, and of course, I'm like, oh my god. What else is down there? So And of course I'm like, oh my God, what else is down there? So I've watched enough.

Right, there's a license plate coming. Yeah. Yeah. I've watched enough vet shows to know that I think we're okay. I think there was only one on the ground, but I'm watching her. So if during the reviews, when we're doing the show, if you hear, it is not Eli Bosnick. It is probably my cat or dog. We should never make that promise.

I was just saying, given the movie we're going to be talking about, it really could be any of us reliving this. But yeah, it also could be the dog. Grace is just like, are you watching a Ron Ormond movie right now? That's what this is. Yeah, right. I was saving this hair tie for later, but now that I know Ron Ormond's on the screen. Yeah. All right. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today?

We watched The Second Coming. It's the story of any minute now. This was in 1980s. It hasn't quite worked out yet. Made it all the more fun. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the Christploitation films of Ron Orman and Lord Almighty I do but you wish it was mostly a mega cut of Ron's favorite preachers in order of their literal squareness This movie I think this might be a prequel to the fucking number blocks, everybody.

I think there's a good chance. They all look like the polygon team that killed Kennedy. Like all of them together. Can I ask a stupid question? I don't want to insult you're an audience that probably already knows the answer. I don't know anything about Ron Ormond. You're talking about him like he's an old friend. I mean, in many ways to us he he is. Yeah, I can understand why no one.

So Ron Ormond was a exploitation filmmaker who found Jesus, right? Well, his wife found Jesus, which means he found Jesus. And then he started making Christian films, but he didn't learn how to make movies just because he started believing in the Lord. So he made a series of incredible films. This is the final one, but he also made if footmen tire you, what will horses do? Where communist Cubans behead children and offer them candy and exchange for Jesus. And Burning Hell, which was mostly him standing around a big fire pit dressed as Moses.

So you can see he saved all the good stuff for the last one. All right. Yeah. Couple of our favorite all time films come from Ron Orman. So, so now obviously you're not familiar with this movie, but did it give you Christianity flashbacks, Seth? You know, it really did. We'll probably talk about this a little bit during the review, but a lot of these films are cut from the same cloth. You know, they're shot for about a buck and a half. Half of the film takes

place inside somebody's church sanctuary. Like it's almost like, okay, in the budget, we have enough to go over here to a rocky place and maybe afford some bath robes. And somebody grabbed my wife's eye makeup because we got to have somebody who looks like the devil. So we're going to go blue on the eyes and then red for the rope.

And then the rest of it is always in then some old school 1970s Church sanctuary with the wooden pews and the 70s paneling on the back And so they all kind of and it really does take me back to that era. It's like a time machine for the 1970s and 80s Yeah, it's just horrifying all by itself. They had to do the apocalypse a little bit So at some point someone's like, who knows somebody with a rubble pile? Yeah.

And they like have to go to a rubble pile. Everyone raised their hand. Yep, yep. All right, so is there anything you guys wanna nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I'm gonna go with best worst up next suggestions. Oh really? From the internet archive Christian movie section where you watch this for me all of the up next

Suggestions were Steve Anderson the hate pastor. Oh my god scathing atheist a lot. Mm-hmm Oh, wow, that's pretty bad. Alright, so I was gonna go with best worst Sure, the guy died, but I think we can take all these clips and still make a movie out of them. I have seen Plan Nine from outer space. I am aware of Plan Nine and I am still making that claim because that's what happened with this movie is that Ron Orman died. He had filmed a few clips for God knows how the fuck he was going to tie all this together. And he left all these people standing around going like, well, I mean, we could probably get 56 minutes out of this. If my cousin is willing to run through a field for like 33 minutes, I think we've

got a movie, boys. I think we've got a movie. It's almost like a director's version of Weekend at Bernie's. They just drag him in there and rope him into a chair. Weekend at Francis Ford Coppola's. Seth, do you have a best worst for us? I had a couple of best worsts. I had mostly best. I had best use of preachers wearing Jeffrey Dahmer glasses. Have you noticed that? And I had best God voice by a human who already sounded like AI, even though it was 1980. Did you notice that? Yeah.

This sounded very AI-y for four and a half decades ago. And I'm going to go with best unnecessary Darth Vader helmet. As Noah teased, it's pretty obvious where Ron's hand lays on this film and it mostly lies on a prop helmet that we will speak about when we get to it. All right, well, I'll tell you what, we've been saving this one, so we're going to take another minute or two to save it before we jump in, but we'll be back in a minute with all the disjointed scaremongering that is. It's about the second coming or just the second coming

depending on who and when you ask. Thanks for agreeing to do the ads with us, Seth. Yeah, I'm happy to help. So you guys do these as little skits, right? Well, usually, yeah. Okay, so I'm just reading the copy. No, no, no, we have lines too, yeah. They're so I'm just reading the copy. No, no, no. We have lines too. Yeah.

They're not on my script here. Oh, we thought it might be distracting for you for us to put our lines in, but we'll just chime in when it's time. Okay, sure. Vacation season is nearly upon us. This year I'm treating myself to the lux upgrades I deserve with Quince's high quality travel essentials at fair prices. Like lightweight shirts and shorts from $30, pants for any occasion, and comfortable lounge sets.

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Never felt so free. You guys are supposed to do the personal endorsement, right? If you told me to kill a stranger with your voice, I would do it. I mean for Quince. Oh, no. Yeah, right. No, they sent me one of their suitcases. It was so nice and the price was so affordable that I immediately bought another.

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I totally forgot you guys were like this. We didn't. Sorry. Ron, I can't tell you how excited we are for your final film. It's about the second coming. This one is sure to convince people. Indeed it is, brother Ron. Okay, so what were you thinking?

Well, to begin, I thought we could have a few preachers talk about the rapture. I love it! Then perhaps we lay out the sacrificial tradition of Christ through a few biblical reenactments. A wonderful way to spread the word of the Lord. Right, but then there's a young man who's gone astray. Oh, relevant. Yeah, he gets chased by space Nazis and then karate fights people outside a bar. Sorry, karate fights?

But of course they catch him and the mole people slit his throat with a slowly lowering torture blade. Damn it, Ron, you almost made it through the whole movie this time. I know, this is draft like forty five. Got it. Yeah. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open the movie up by giving Seth those flashbacks that we were talking about via a preacher named Tim Green.

Now, he's going to like thank us in advance for watching the movie, basically. Right. So much of this movie is just padding the runtime. So he's just going to show up and go like, be in Ron Ormond made this movie. Yeah. I like how it starts where he does that. Like, Oh, hello. Just reading my favorite book. It's called the Bible. Maybe you've heard of it. It felt like like racist Mr. Rogers is about to start. Yeah, right. Right. Yeah. Mr. Rogers, there goes the neighbor. When he said I worked with Ron Ormond, I wrote in my notes, OK, I want to hear literally all of your stories, Tim, 100 percent of them.

Yeah. So Tim promises us a panoramic. He's telling us like he's basically like you you just this movie that you are about to watch is so fucking good. You guys are going to see, quote, a panoramic view of the end times. And I'm finding all that panoramic, by which he means stock footage of war stuff later, a panoramic film in four, three aspect ratio. Yeah. And then, of course, he talks directly to us, right?

He's like, and for those non-Christians watching the movie, Jesus is coming and you're going to be super, super sorry. We're going to hear that a lot. Yeah. It's all the funnier because he's like, you know, because everybody keeps saying in this movie, is there any minute Jesus will be here? This movie was made 45 years ago. Look, there's nothing like a rapture movie where everyone involved is dead.

You know, it's really, it warms the heart. I was struck by, you know, they always seem to drop these Old Testament pastors in front of what looks like an old linoleum set, you know, those ones where they sort of paint the bricks onto it. And I'm sorry, but late 20th century conservative pastors, Protestant pastors all look like they just got cranked out of the same assembly line.

I mean, they're all about what, six foot, check. They got a gray suit, check, cause they don't want anything too ostentatious. They got white hair, check. Skin that looks like pinky mice, check. You know, they got pure mildly constipated check. I mean, it's the same freaking thing. And how many pastors were in this movie?

I think I counted five. I think five. It's hard to say if they're not all the same one or five different ones. That is very difficult. Right, right, exactly. Yeah, and they're all walking like they don't want to bend the knees in their pants and stuff.

Yeah, it's interesting. So, OK, so then I guess the movie proper kicks in, right? We've got our we got our generic narrator in the back and he's going like spoiler. It doesn't actually, but sort of. No, you're right. You're right. Actually, this is still pre movie. There is so much time padding. Ron wasn't around to show them what order the movie goes. Right.

So we get this voice over this just like, you know, since the beginning of Christianity, preachers have been saying that Jesus would return any minute. Oh God, why are we pointing that out? And it's kind of like instructions for the end times. I get it felt like one of those Cold War videos for like duck and cover. Yeah, right. But for sword mouth Jesus. Yeah. It felt like one of those Cold War videos for like duck and cover, but for the apocalypse. But for Sword Mouth Jesus. Yeah.

You just got to get under your desk and Sword Mouth Jesus can't get you. Horse Locusts can't get you. The Horse Locusts, they're just going to like hover right over that desk, can't get under. Did you notice how evangelist Tim Green was selling the movie as something remarkable because it has been seen all around the world? Like anything that spreads is good. And like, you know what else has been seen around the world? Cholera, Murdoch Hornets, Michael Bay movies.

These have all been seen all around the world. I also find it suspicious, and I know you guys have already gone there. We have another piece of Christian media with a title that sounds like porn. And this was true when I was in Christian radio. Oh, interesting. I mean, think about how many American Christian Puritans grew up singing stuff like,

"'He touched me, pour my love on you, yes, yes, Lord.'" Right? So I don't think this is low hanging fruit when I say the second coming sounds like Jesus is going to return wearing a ball gag I don't think that is too much of a stretch That's just me. Well, you got to stretch it a little for it to work. But yeah Yeah, not too much. Stretch it too. That's how you end up with low hanging fruit

Sure you're young you could stretch your fruit as much as you want Hit your 30s. they stop coming back. God, your punch lines are so much better than mine. It's so good. Then we're going to meet a series of preachers, right? All of them apparently distinct human beings based on the names. First we meet Dr. Bob Gray, who looks like, I wrote in my notes, he looks like his wife hates him and that's his whole personality. Right?

Yeah, I have, Dr. Bob looks like an insurance salesman if you could buy insurance for rape accusations. Oh. Oh. Oh. And he's gonna deliver the first like chunk of this, if Jesus comes and you're not Christian, you're a fucked sermon,

which is what they're all going to do. We also meet Dr. John Rawlings, who he looks like a scary version of Vincent Price. Yes. Think about that. Yeah. He looks like he was there when Jesus was killed and he's overcompensating. Right? Yeah. Oh, is this the guy who turns into the narrator who has time out, like time out showing up. Yes Right. Yeah who I'm convinced killed all the other pastors in some kind of octagon He got to continue narrating the movie Yeah, Salvador Dali like forgot to be interesting and became a pastor. There you go. He's he's Salvador Dali's accountant brother There you go. He's he's Salvador Dali's accountant brother

We also meet dr. Greg Dixon These guys should not be allowed to use doctor before the names I don't know why I'm playing along especially when you look like a 70s game show host about the apocalypse as a game somehow or yeah Yeah, and Dixon is almost handsome It's actually a little tragic cuz he he looks like if you dressed Josh Groban up like a ventriloquist dummy and made him eat a peanut butter M&M every time someone fucked to one of his songs. It's so close. What is wrong with you Peter? Who thinks like this? He looks like the president of Argentina right now. Awesome. Yeah. But that speaks to it like you know because Seth is talking about how these guys all look like they've just been assembled on the same assembly line, that almost handsome

thing is part of it. Right. Like you can't be too handsome. You know, you can't get people all hot and bothered in the fucking. That's why they kicked Seth out ultimately. Right. That's why they don't have him anymore. Exactly. No, stop. I myself, I was listening to these guys sort of setting things up. And of course they go right to the book of Revelation, which is just a fever dream of what the funkery, right? But I'm like, if you're going to make an End Times movie, I think you have a theological obligation

to include some of the stuff that they did not include. Because we think about Revelation, we have all kinds of shit that they miss. The seven headed dragon riding space prostitute, right? The whore of Babylon. The singing eyeballs. Yeah. The Kraken, the horse locusts. The whole time I was mad that they weren't doing it.

The stars falling to the... Yeah. I'm just saying, you call Phil Tippett, the legendary stop motion puppet too, and you're like, look, I need a seven headed dragon riding space prostitute tonight or tomorrow, right? And he's got one. He's got he's ready He's ready that was in his private collection, but you can use it if you don't ask questions about the stains You know, we've watched something like I'm gonna say conservatively I think we've watched about 50 rapture movies and there's only been one that didn't chicken out when it came to the scorpion horse locusts, right? The third thief in the night movie, I think they actually had like a, you saw it in a

silhouette or whatever. It was like a shadow. Yeah. Yeah. It was definitely somebody who had that at home. And they were like, yeah, nah, I'll make that new. Uh huh. Yeah.

So, but yeah, so with Dr. Greg Dixon, I'm gonna stop calling him fucking Dr. Greg Dixon, he's given his like, you know, Jesus will be back and he goes, you know, we know Jesus is coming back because the Bible says Jesus is coming back, right? Which is a ridiculous fucking argument. But instead of just finding like, because you can't find any clear biblical evidence of the rapture, right? Because the rapture is not in the goddamn Bible. So instead he uses this quote that's all, just ambiguous as fucking hell. He goes like, you know that Jesus is coming back because the Bible says that we should shun

the frumious bandersnatch. And you're just like, what the fuck does that even mean, man? Yeah. Whenever we get to this part of a rapture movie where preachers have to pretend the rapture isn't a construction of like 1949 or whatever the hell it became a part of their religion. Right.

It's like reading texts with your friends in college like, what do you think she meant by I had a good time? Jesus is just not that into you guys. And then the movie Bibles at us for a little while over a night sky. Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. Oh, Peter Jackson wishes his walking montages were this boring. Okay. Well, we're going to get to the walking. So, but we start off with, we have to meet Abraham, right?

We see Abraham, very white, Abraham sitting out there by his tent and then God speaks up and he's like, Hey, kill your kid for me. They're starting with the kill your son test in yeah movie that was a bold move he was kind of a Peter O'Toole's alcoholic cousin yeah it was more of a god drunk dial that a commandment right yeah right well and that's maybe that's why Abraham has this look on his face like oh okay, okay. I guess that's a weird. You fucking love me to kill your son. I don't know.

I'm going to prove it. Kill him. I always like to play this little game during Bible movies that are period pieces. I always think about the pre-production meetings where they have these pasty white preacher types all in a back room trying to talk about, well, which area has the most Old Testament looking rocks? Yes, right, yeah, exactly. Where can we drive in a day? We want brown, but not too brown.

We want dusty and worn, but it can't be a ruin. We want smooth contours, but we don't want something that looks sprayed on or fake. We want a place that's hot enough to make everybody look happy. They're not wearing pants. They're all going through these lists of requirements for what looks biblically that's a half a day's travel.

Guys, I want a Jewish rock. You know what I mean when I say that, right? Yeah, right. Well, and then also you have to picture on the way they all stop at the bed bath and beyond and they have this whole, like we can't all have the same dish towels guys come on We have to all pick something different. I already have blue. I called it

They actually take the tablecloths and you just wrap them around their heads like scarves Oh, yeah, no comes an actual costume element in the film. I mean they were on a budget So yeah, right guy definitely has the tablecloth from his local Italian restaurant on his head. Oh, absolutely. I had one more thought about this whole child sacrifice thing. This is probably 10 years ago. Just as a social experiment, I went on social media and I said, okay, fellow heathens, I want you to go to the religious people in your life and I want you to ask one question and then come back and tell me what they said.

Just paste it into the comments. I said, if God appeared to you as he appeared to Abraham and he commanded you to sacrifice your child as an act of obedience, would you do it? Now, unsurprisingly, almost all of the responses were no. Almost. But there were a few terrifying replies from devout believers who said, you know, God demanded it.

You know, I mean, God's law trumps man's law and my kid would go to heaven Anyway, there was one responder who asked if they could pick the child Sure, yeah, and then he gets stopped by God. Oh, all right. Oh, I'm so disappointed. I was going to turn his room into kind of like an office for woodworking. I want to get a Peloton. So no, no, we'll, we'll go home and he can steal my blessing.

So yeah. So we watch Abraham and Isaac walk for so goddamn long. It's such an awkward Bible story. It's just, he's about to murder his son. and Isaac walk for so goddamn long. It's such an awkward Bible story. It's just, he's about to murder his son. He's like, hey bud, we're just gonna do a little normal walking, right? Totally, totally cool. And Isaac's doing the like golden retriever thing,

like checking in every few steps, like running ahead a little bit, looking back. Yes, yeah, so we still going? Is it, yeah, no. Can't believe he hasn't said cut. I'm not gonna kill you. I don't know why I said that, but I'm not gonna kill you

Just build a fire pit shaped like you. I don't know. We're just playing games I always pictured the altar as being like, I don't know four or five feet tall like for some reason my brain It's like an altar and in the movie it looks like he just threw some Home Depot pavers on the ground Yeah, fuck it. Yup. Right? I mean, don't half-ass your human sacrifice, right? The higher the rock pile, the sooner your kid can get to God is kind of my thing. You've only got one son. Do it once, do it right.

You know what I'm saying? And you know, I had this thought when he grabs his son's hands and he ties them with the belt, I just got this distinct vibe that he had done this before. I mean, Isaac just stands there like, like, oh shit, is it Thursday again? Yes, yes, the kid fights back, not at all. He's just like, oh dad, always tying me up and throwing me on fire pants.

Let's see where dad's going with this. But of course, as we know, he's about to stab Isaac and God comes in and he's like, gotcha, you were gonna do it. You should have seen the look on your fucking face, man. You are just. He's going to stab him with a knife that looks like it was torn out of an Amazon Prime shipping box. It's like the bluntest instrument ever made. It's like, just lay there, kid. This is going to take a really long time. But then, you know, God says, ah, you don't have to do it.

He's like, oh, good. And then a lamb shows up all, hey, what are you guys doing? And I don't understand why they would show us the lamb. Is that in the Bible? Does it switch to a literal lamb? Yes. Yeah. Because for some reason in the story, God's like, no, you don't have to, I mean, you have

to kill something for me. Something must die on my behalf now, but not your kid. We're not killing nothing today. Yeah, that's right. But knowing that's what happens, why would you show me the cutest goddamn animal in the fucking world in this little lamb right beforehand? They're like, and then this lamb showed up. Look how cute it is.

We murdered it. Yes. Or lean in and show them just like watching a lamb in a bonfire off the leaves for a while. Ooh, yeah. I think in the Bible it says it's a ram, which is one of those stupid pedantic things. It's like when someone says,

oh, Jonah wasn't swallowed by a whale. It was a big fish. Right. Right. Oh, now the story makes sense. Thank you, Grandma. Right. But it's not an accidental mistake, right? Because they want to tie this to Jesus and say, because that's one of the things they love to do is like, right? Right? The lamb of God, just like you know who. And so, you know, in case anybody wasn't going to get it, they actually,

like, dissolve to the cross, to Jesus on the cross from the lamb. wasn't going to get it, they actually like dissolve to the cross, to Jesus on the cross from the lamb. Lamb's a fix! Yeah. Don't they claim the behemoth was a hippo or something like that to me? Sometimes, or a dinosaur. Take some of the danger out of it. I've heard hippos will fuck you up.

Yeah, hippos are fucking worse. Really, really. You know, lambs and goats and rams, I feel bad because if you read the Bible, they are constantly, so they take human sin and they grab it and they throw it into these poor animals and then they slaughter the animals. Now here's a piece of trivia, you guys may know this,

in the book of Leviticus, there were blood offerings, atonement offerings, and then there was one version where they would take the sin of the Israelites and they would transfer them into a goat. And then they would release the goat out into the wilderness to ostensibly, I guess, starve to death. And that's where we get the term scapegoat. That was the escape goat. And it went out there. Wow. You could also do that with the chicken if you get enough centrifugal force going.

One of the least dangerous games. How culty is blood sacrifice? I mean, blood on the altar, blood of the lamb. There are songs like Nothing But The Blood. There was a guy on Twitter a few years ago who posted, he was an ex-Christian, he said, I cannot believe I used to sing about being washed in blood like it was totally normal. I cannot believe I used to sing about being washed in blood like it was totally normal. Right? Right. Like I remember like the Christian kids at my school trying to tell me that candy canes, the red on the candy cane represents the blood of Christ. And I'm like, well, it's so much less appetizing now, Jesus.

What the hell is wrong with you people? Feels like a bad thing for you guys. No. Yeah. We drink it. We drink. We love the blood. What? So yeah, it was so we dissolve to Jesus on the cross and it's the shape of a J like Jesus Yeah, man, I just thought of that and it's the shepherd's crook and everything

They had a whole they have a whole thing like nine ways that the candy cane represents Christ. This actually tracks pretty well I'm gonna think about Christianity if you fold the candy cane. It's the Twin Towers I'm gonna think about Christianity if you fold the candy cane. It's the Twin Tower. Well, yeah So yeah, so but the narrator kicks in and he's like, yeah see Jesus on the cross He goes it was on this mountain and then they cut to the fucking castle gray skull playsat or whatever right? Well three little crosses on it. This is my first diorama the cheese My wife can whip you up one of those mountain dioramas. No need to bring the camera all the way out to the countryside. Yeah, right, right.

So, yeah, so we cut to Jesus post-betrayal. They show this all out of order, but we're getting, we meet the very white, conscious pilot. Well, hang on. I got some thoughts on the cross, if I may. Oh, by all means. I know, I know you want to jump to the Monty Python scene. Oh shit, I just blanked on it.

What did they call him? Build a bridge out of him. What did they call that guy Monty Python? You're listening, you're going to crucify me. I want to talk about the utter impracticality of the positions of the crosses on that high mountain, which was a cliff. And the crosses are right at the edge of the cliff and I'm like who thought that shit up like okay you Roman soldiers who were

on cross duty today make sure you've got the proper shoes on stay at least 10 feet from the edge or you're gonna end up just like Bob edge or you're gonna end up just like Bob. That's exactly what I was thinking when I saw the cross. Wait, what happened to Bob? Given the guys on the crosses a big speech about not rocking back and forth because you gotta use those crosses later. Nine days without an accident at this location. Yeah, right.

Is going to give us a... Oh guys, you put him, you faced him towards the cliff. Now, how are we gonna see him to make fun of him and shit? So yeah, so we get our Pontius Pilate, right? And of course, like the narrator comes in is like Pontius Pilate didn't want to kill Jesus. It was the Jews. So we get like a first person Jesus torture moment. Okay. This is great because right after the crown gets put on our head We get the one shot of a guy getting whipped and it's just the one shot of a guy getting whipped because they very obviously

Actually whipped Larry We better have gotten that fucking shot cuz I'm gonna punch Chris in the eye now Just got this from Bed Bath and Beyond. Now it's got to rip. Yeah, right. It ruined my wife's towels. I can't bring it. I can't take it back now. But yeah, but we see Jesus get nailed to the cross, right?

Because they absolutely have to show us the hand with the nail through it. And then the narrator cuts in and he's like, but don't worry, this was totally God's plan. He meant for it to go like this as much as it might not look that way. Then we get a quick scene of pre-crucified Jesus given a sermon on the Sermon on the Mount of Olives. And I'm just like, put your scenes in order. You may not know what Ron Ormond had in mind, but you know what order these fucking shots go in. Damn it. Ron didn't label the reals. Scotch tape? Well, I'm a voiceover guy. So, guy, so even when I was a devout Christian,

I remember hearing narrators for Christian productions. I would just laugh out loud, right? We'd be at a church play, and there was always this disembodied God voice, and it's like James Earl Jones, if you bought him on T-MU kind of thing. They always find somebody, their only qualification is that their voice

hits about 100 hertz, and they're not already out, you know, using that voice at the bar to try to pick up women, right? Because that's essentially who that guy probably is. This guy's name is John Calvert in the film. I do not know anything about him, but you know that guy was out doing his work in it voice and other aspects of his life. Sitting down at the edge of the bar going, so, you know, the Lord said that I'm your destiny. So, honestly, like hearing Seth trying to do a deep voice is kind of like seeing what happens with Thor's hammer hits Captain America's shield in a sense. Really interesting. So yeah, so, but, but Jesus is crucified. We

see, we see the very culturally sensitive disciples sitting intently and then we watch Jesus ascend to heaven and my God, it's glorious. Yeah. Not enough movies do heaven Jesus ascension with a booooo sound effect. Highly recommend. Why does the depiction of Jesus on the cross make it look like they crucified Roger Rabbit? I mean, I don't understand why Jesus is a carpenter and he's a God man and his arms look like drinking straws. I don't understand that at all.

I always get the silhouette there on that one. They're really nervous about trying to show Jesus's face here, so we're constantly gonna see him in silhouette and whatnot as well. They're really nervous about trying to show Jesus's face here. So we're constantly going to see him in silhouette and whatnot as well. That's why I like the Italians. They're not afraid of a ripped Jesus. Yeah, they go to an Italian chapel. You see a Jesus with a 12 pack.

Come gutters ready. Yeah, looks like a Trump coin or something. Yeah, right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Did you just say the word come gutter? Come gutters. That's what they're called. Obliques. That's what the kids are calling them. Other people call them obliques, but you know.

Look, there are not many ways. Some people do it with fat instead of muscle. You can gutter it up however you want. That can come crap. We cannot be friends. I am blushing over here. Seth, why did you go back for clarification? You got to learn to just push through, right? So if you know, if you want to be friends with Eli. I've told you once, I've told you with that. What was I thinking? Everybody Google come gutters if you're curious.

Everyone Google Seth Gershers come gutters. One second, I have a website. Make sure your safe search is off. Okay, so somehow now we are 10 minutes, we were like 25 minutes into the movie, this is a 57 minute movie, this is where we get the title, it's like a fucking episode of Invincible. I was so mad, I was like the movie's starting now?

That's bullshit, like the chess clock was going. Yes. This counts, like I'm already in, be honest. Now the original title, the movie is now called The Second Coming. But the original movie title was It's About the Second Coming because you want the title to tell your audience what the movie is about. And I guess

and then we get like the end credits, like end level credits. Now, there was a time like credits migrated to the end of the movie. They started out at the beginning of them. And they eventually just got so damn long we had to put them at the end. This movie was made before that migration was complete, apparently. I did enjoy one thing about the credits. They are doing some music,

and the triangle player of this orchestra is going buck wild on Triangle. Truly. Like he's the cowbell guy, and he's psyched about it. So we also, okay, so here's what I love about the credits. First of all, they had a list of guest preachers as though some of the preachers lived in this movie and also they had a special thanks for Ruby Tuesday. What did Ruby Tuesday's do to earn that credit?

That's what I want to know because that must have been at a corporate level. They probably hooked them up with the catch up. Yeah. Right? Yeah. And then they've got that line that says, thank you to the folks at Mammoth Onyx Cave in Kentucky, which I guess had really good biblical looking rocks

or whatever. Oh, must have been. And I'm like, okay, wait a minute. I looked it up. The rock beds of Mammoth Cave formed like 300 million years ago. Allegedly. The water flows formed the cave 15 million years ago. Okay, so actors are telling an Old Testament story in a natural set which itself disproves

young people. Oh well done. They just have to like fuzz out the sedimentary layers that you can see. Yep. It's pixelated like Japanese porn. Yeah. So, okay. So the credits end, we get this, the angels appear to the disciples post ascension and tell them to get to acting, right? You know, it's like, we got a whole nother fucking book we got to do. What are we going to fill the whole damn thing with letters? Yeah. Angel guy comes in and he's like, Hey, so that was the and magic trick. Jesus did it. It was like a, like an applause sign for a live studio audience. Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah. And the way they depicted his death, it's really remarkable that Jesus did rise again

because the guy hammering in the nails looked pissed like he had had a fight with his wife on the way out the door. And he had had a fight with his wife on the way out the door and he was just sitting there with the big sledge Jesus and lying there. He's like, what do you mean I never do the dishes? What if I told you you were just like your mother? Bam! What if I slaughtered meat with the good scissors? Bam!

He just literally just pounded the shit out of Jesus. So the fact that Jesus could recover from that, to me, it does sound rather divine. Pretty impressive. Pretty impressive. But don't use the good scissors. So, okay. So then, we see that we go straight from the angels going like, all right, so Jesus ascended, now it's time for the book of Acts. We go straight from there to a city, like a modern city, right? And this scroll comes along on the bottom and the scroll is

way too long. I almost went with this for the best verse it goes the time Some day in the future and I'm like, that's the date. That's not even the time Like right now it's the only word that matters. Yes, exactly That's the chiron of a religion that's been wrong for 2,000 years and So then and then it goes worldwide mandate. No one allowed to buy or sell without global identification. And of course, we had to all have that moment. We're like, what a weird thing to be afraid of, right?

You could just ban one of those and it kind of like works to ban the other. Yeah, really honestly. Just making less red tape, you know? Yeah, no, absolutely. And then it says, and I guess this is supposed to be ominous, this is all the same bottom of the screen as it's scrolling across like a fucking ticker. It goes, violators will be dealt with on location by global police. Right.

So we're getting a bunch of rules. Are people in this universe supposed to read the text on the bottom of the screen of the world they're in? Interesting. Yeah. So then we see, so we get that little scroll and then we see a goddamn clown car of global police. I think it's cool that the global police all ride Zambonis in the future.

That's an interesting choice. So they've got like five people all just hanging off of this little fucking car. It's just hilarious. And they have really silly like plans. You remember Spy Tech, the toy for kids from like 1990 with like the big radar thingy and it's all very silly oversized spy stuff. They all have like a piece of that each of of them, and they fought over it for sure. It reminded me of that.

Remember that video game shooter? Yeah, I want to say it came out in the 1990s where it was like Area 51 or something. Yes. All the baddies came out and they jumped behind a barrel and all you did was just shoot randomly. And then all of a sudden there would be a civilian, like a woman in a miniskirt would pop out

and they'd go, no! Yeah. And you're not too bad. I literally saw that street and I thought, oh my God, I've gone back in time 30 years. 51 video game. I'm about to put $40 worth of quarters into something. Yeah, right. Right.

Yeah, exactly. So yeah, so we got one guy, he's got the big radar gun. Another guy has the, he's just randomly in a motorcycle helmet. But he's the only guy. Yeah. The only guy who gets a helmet like that was also a huge fight who gets to be the helmet guy I didn't realize daft punk put out albums and started films

Yeah, yeah, no like apparently they were like well You know the kids loved this shit when Darth Vader did it. So give the bad guy a helmet and you know, we're talking George Lucas money. But yeah, but they're hunting Christians. Apparently they're listening for Christians with the radar gun. Or people who are, you know, buying slash selling slash trucking, exchanging bartering. I don't know. They're going after fugitives of some sort. Well, they're listening for people. With radar?

Yeah, with radar. They're listening for people buying without the tattoo with radar. It can sense the velocity of money. It can tell if you're transacting. This blip looks extremely divine and holy. We must now, Scott. Well, so yeah, so they drive on and they're like, you know, with the very, very quiet, they're hunting Christians thing. And as they do, a bunch of family of Christians emerges from the bushes. Right. And the dad gives this whole speech where he's like, he's like, if we could just make it through this scene,

Clay smash moves. Don't worry, Papa, I'll juggle our silverware as we go across the street. So the kid bangs into a bunch of trash kids and of course they hear them on the radar so the Christians go get them. And did you notice the guy in the Daft Punk helmet? When he spoke, I thought he sounded like kind of a redneck version of like somebody who just parked his tractor in the field and Then he tried to speak like Berner Herzog. He was like

Literally had that kind of vibe and then he shoots what looks like a Han shot first blaster Did you guys notice the gun? Yeah Pyro techniques guy got to do some work. He was in the credits. I was excited when I was like pyrotechnics in the credits Okay. Oh, yeah, so we got some here I will say my favorite part of this character the Daft Punk helmet guy is that the visor part of the helmet has a very slow like mechanical up but yes Look at you and then do his Werner Herzog speech.

Like a fucking garage door opening, yeah. I wanted it to get stuck and bring it down to lower it down again. I wrote exactly that. I was like, I want so bad for this to be like halfway up and he's like, just give me a second. Oh, I'll just, I'll do it with my hands. Fuck it. Well also, and this has made all the funnier. I broke the gear.

This, ah, I'm going to have to get a new one. Well, it's it's made all the funnier by the fact that he has a mustache. It's like popping out under the fucking helmet and everything. And he's like, but he finally gets it up and he's talking to the dad and he goes, Your Christ has been dead for centuries. And the dad goes, no, he lives. Dude smacks the shit out of him. I think it was your guys has been.

He goes, no, we'll have everlasting life. He goes, Oh, tell me about this everlasting life when I've got you killed in his fucking gutter over here, huh? Huh? And I'm like, Oh, that's a good one. Turn of phrase, death, life, got him. Yep. Yep.

I also enjoyed that helmet guy has the evil tattoo. You see for a second, it's the 666, but you look at it, it's a 999. It's a 666 if you read it from your side while their fist is up. But it's a 999 if it's down. Very few situations where that's practical. Yeah, if your arms are like in a normal place.

So yeah, so he turns to the dad and he's like, you walk that way. And the dad starts walking that way. He shoots him with the Han shot first laser, which is fucking amazing. Right? It's like Ron Ormond never disappoints even when he's dead. Right? And dad varies. So they show him falling in slow motion, but dad very much just fell down for real.

There was no fight choreographer on the set, so we watch him hit his cheeks super hard on the stretch. In slow motion. Oh, fuck, Linda. What's this bullshit at your church? Christ, this is why I'm secretly gay. So, yeah, so they shoot the dad, then they shoot the mom. Christ, this is why I'm secretly gay. So, yeah, so they shoot the dead and they shoot the mom, you know, and the kids, like, you know, all sad and he's hovering over top of the mom.

And the guy's like, we'll let you go if you renounce Jesus. And he goes, no. And then the helmet shoots him as well. He says, they're both dead. And he goes, they're not dead. They're with Jesus. And I wanted the helmet guy to be like, says, they're both dead. And he goes, they're not dead. They're with Jesus. And I wanted to helmet guy to be like, wait, they're still dead. That's you agree they're dead.

They're not dead. Dead and with Jesus. I didn't say they weren't with Jesus. And that kid grew up to be Batman. Yeah, that's right. I just want to throw that on. He grew up to be Bible man. Yeah, exactly.

Bible man. So then we get like, and this is going to happen several times in the movie, but this is the first time it happens. There's like diegetic preaching in this film, right? So like the scene ends and just a preacher like the Vincent Price guy, the Salvador Dali guy just walks out of the shadows and goes, what you just saw will happen during the tribulation. We're all just like, wait, where the fuck did you come from? Wait, are you walking through the doodly-doo post-practice?

You have to swoosh in and out of that shit. What are you doing? Have you noticed guys like that always seem to blink at exact intervals? Like, it's like they're being held hostage somewhere and they're forced to make a video. So they're blinking like, you know, I fell asleep at the retirement home and I woke up in this suit and the guy in

the black mask says, I got to make a video. Jesus Lord. Right. Tell my family I love them and the money is in the walls. You know what I'm saying? I did just get that vibe. But then, so then the preacher once again admits, he's like, well, you know, look, everybody has said that they were living in the last days That's true but our Generation is the rightest and we show like a clip of you know

A hurricane and a flood and a landslide as though to say see the apocalypse I guess but then they show like a modern building. So it's like, yeah, the Bible totally nailed this prophecy. Earthquakes, hurricanes, this high rise apartment building getting drawn up. Exploding, yeah. What I loved is they show the exploding building and then as he's continuing the narration, he's in front of an exploded building. So I wrote in my notes, did he blow up that building

to illustrate his point about the end of it? I totally got to- know where the budget went. The opening of Flash Gordon vibes on the disaster. Did you notice that? Oh, interesting. Yeah. Yeah. You know, we'll destroy this earth.

I totally got a Flash Gordon kind of a thing watching that. Well, and the greatest thing about the fucking blowed up building, Heath, I had the same fucking thing in my notes, is that he says at that point, he goes like, you know, these were all the predictions of the ancient Hebrew sages. I'm like floods and earthquakes, shit that always has happened. And then they show up blown up building. I'm like, well, that wasn't the Hebrew sages didn't say that. I'd be damn impressed if they said that.

Yeah, right, right. I'd be a Christian if they said that. But then, and this is interesting when he admits this a couple of times, the Salvador Dali guy goes like, you know, we Christians don't really agree on what this shit means. Which is weird, you would have thought Jesus would be super specific, you wouldn't think that like,

the most important thing that you could possibly know would be this open to interpretation. But yeah, what we do know though, is that the rapture will happen when you least expect it And I'm like, well then isn't this movie delaying it by making people expect it more? Hey, can you just give us like an ETA as best you could your God down to a generation? Alright, well with the promise that a plot will break out eventually sort of we're gonna pause for another break But we're back in a flash with even more of

The Second Coming. Are you on the way yet, at least? Okay, try mine. No, it will destroy your palate, Seth. Try mine first. No, mine, try mine. Guys, guys. Hey guys, what are you doing to Seth?

Oh, we cooked him dinner. Well, we started cooking him dinner, and then we maybe got a little busy arguing over whose food is better. You tied me to a chair. So that you could be a fair and balanced judge of our cuisine. Guys, if you want great food fast, why don't you just try Factor?

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and use the code awful50off to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. That's code awful50off at factormeals.com slash awful off to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box That's code awful 50 off at factor mills comm slash awful 50 off for 50% off plus free shipping Thanks Sorry, Seth. I guess we got a little out of hand. Yeah, why'd you guys take his shirt off for the? Rope man. I'm really sorry about this Man, it happens more than you think Yeah Man, I'm really sorry about this. It happens more than you think. Yeah, it does. Hi, I'm Tony D from Tony D's house of Christian movie signs, The Rapture just happened.

And this weekend, we're having a sale so crazy, our products will be gone like a thief in the night. We got whistling tea kettles, TVs that have been left on, mysteriously still running lawnmowers, and so many abandoned piles of clothes I don't know what to do with them! Baby clothes, adult clothes, clothes weirdly laid out in the shape of a person that could only have been lying flat on the floor, all at rock bottom prices! 30D's House of Christian Movie signs the Rapture just happened. When two are in the field, they're both getting amazing deals!

And we're back for more of the shit. We're going to rejoin the action in a diner where we're going to meet the main character of the movie. More than a third of the way through it. This is Roger. All right, fellas, we've shot 34 minutes of us wandering through our churches, repeating our philosophy. I think we can start including some of those reels Ron left us in his wheel. You want to wrap it? Oh, you want to? Okay. Yeah, we can do it. No, no, that's where the movie starts. That's why you're in charge. So Roger's in a diner.

He's having a food. When Tim Green, the preacher that introduced us to the whole movie shows up and he's like, hey Roger, I sure hope you come to church tomorrow. And Roger's like, I'm not really into that church scene. And of course we've watched Ron Orman movies before and we're like, oh, this character had a chance to get saved and didn't take it. He's gonna get fucked up.

Yeah, that's the nice thing about a Ron Orman movie is that other Rapture movies, you know, they let the protagonist sort of hang around a little bit. But if you said no to Jesus in front of Ron Orman, you are about to be covered in red ketchup very soon. Oh, yeah, your head is coming off. Before the red ketchup, probably glycerin tears. Did you see that on the kid before they executed him? Oh yeah. Like the first act, I was like, those are so obvious, like right before you can see that they took whatever those things are. I'm surprised glycerin tears did not get a

mention in the credits along with, you know, mammoth onyx cave or whatever. And Ruby Tuesdays. Yeah. But yeah, so Tim Green promises Roger, the main character, that there's going to be this great sermon about the end times and the second coming at the church, but he's still not impressed. His girlfriend shows up. And there's a great moment where Roger's like, she's like, Oh, who's your friend? He goes, he's not my friend. He's a preacher who is just getting the fuck away from my table. Wasn't he a preacher, man? So the pastor like goes to leave, but of course he has to try to talk the girlfriend

into coming to church first. He has to Jesus flirt with her a little bit. He's like, hey. The whole conversation is just a series of boundary violations, isn't it? Just to walk in and say, hey, good to see you. I'm gonna have a seat. You're living wrong.

You don't wanna burn, do you? Who's this stranger you're gonna burn? You guys need to go to church. It's a total series. Here's a pamphlet about how you're gonna burn. Here's your homework. Change your religion now. Okay, bye.

I'm struck by how these preachers, especially of that era, are so obsessed with pocketbooks and handouts, which I think is just the most weak-ass form of evangelism, because it requires really no commitment, no time, no energy, no legwork. You might as well just have slipped a flyer under the windshield wiper of their car for what it was worth, right?

And this was 1980, which of course was the heyday of the ChickTrack. Then if you don't know what ChickTracks are, those creepy little gospel cartoon booklets created by a guy named Jack Chick back in the 60s. And so essentially Jack Chick, he was this wackadoodle bigoted apocalyptic nightmare of a human being.

And apparently he went to his illustrators and said, okay, look, I want you to create pages and pages of penciled hate designed to make non-Christians either laugh out loud or shit their pants. Because the whole thing was just apocalypse driven. They had titles like The Beast, Almost Time, Where Did They Go? And I think they're like 250 Chick tracts

doing this pocket evangelism. And I think really they're designed to make Christians feel like they're doing something meaningful when they slips one of these books, like this pastor, they just slip it, hand it over, drop it in somebody's Halloween bucket, etc. Right? Right. Well, yeah, it's a way of always getting the last word, right? Like, oh, we'll take this. And of course, as Mitch Hedberg said, anytime somebody hands you a pamphlet, it's like, they're saying, here, you throw this away, right? But you still get the last word.

I thought he was going to leave one of those ones that looks like a $20 bill as a tip at this time. Yeah. Oh, fucking worse. Then the waitress just beats the fuck out of him. Yeah, right. And Ray Comfort for making it, yeah. So, but his girlfriend hooks up with him,

the preacher leaves, and she says, hey, let's go out to all the night spots. Hey, hey, hey. Let's do risk behaviors together. Yeah. Yeah. Less of a Christian who hasn't been exposed to nightlife and more of an alien faking its way in a human corpse

situation we're watching on the screen right now. Yeah. His girlfriend is Eve, by the way. I thought that was so. Oh, I missed that. And she's like, yeah, I guess we can go, you know, do risk be, I just got here though. This is weird.

We just sat down. Okay, we're leaving, we're leaving. At a restaurant, apparently they were meeting at a restaurant to go on a date elsewhere. Okay. So he like, he had dinner by himself and had Eve meet him there. And then the plan to leave right away after he's done.

She's like the talking snake in the parking lot, said you'd be here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So they leave and then all the lights go out and everybody freezes and that fucking preacher is sitting there again, all diegetically,

and you're like, stop, would you stop just showing up like that? Okay, I laughed at this one. When Salvador Dali, they pan over, he's like sitting by himself in a booth in this diner, and he's like, that was a bad, please darken the room. Please, everybody quiet. Yeah, let's go.

Everybody actually freeze, don't move. The rapture, shit. Okay, it was about the rapture. Stop eating that french fry. Yeah, right, no, but yeah, he's like, the Antichrist is gonna show show up after the rapture and then you'll sure be sorry. But he starts giving us a sermon and that fades to a different pastor giving the same

sermon. Yeah, they do like a Mr. Show segue. Yeah, it's kind of fun. Yeah. Zoom out. It's like a shoebox diorama. Zoom out again. It's God drawing himself like MC Escher. I thought they could have had fun with it.

They did not. And correct me if I'm wrong here, but we kind of fall into a different movie for a few minutes here, right? About this Antichrist guy. Yeah. The Antichrist versus this one preacher's heart condition becomes the plot of the rest of this movie Including and I'm really hoping you guys can clarify this the box accident

Okay, so we're gonna get to the bus accident But first we've got that we have to meet the facial paralysis communist accent guy Every off-broadway director that guy That guy? Yeah. I wrote in the turtleneck and the blazer. Yes, yes. It looks like the Heaven's Gate guy. It looked just like the Heaven's Gate cult guy. Oh wow.

I wrote in my notes as Dracula mid-stroke for his accent. Yes, right. I want to suck all the name below. I like that he fell into his real Brooklyn accent for a second. He did, yes. Because he forgot to keep doing the Dracula and then he remembers again. He's like, all right real Brooklyn accent. He did, yes. Because he forgot to keep doing the Dracula and then he remembers again. He's like, all right, evil accent.

And he has to transition back into it from Brooklyn accent back to evil Dracula. It was fun. Anyways, I am the Antichrist. Yeah. But so what's happening here is the preacher has just given this speech about the Antichrist.

He's given this sermon about the Antichrist. And so now the antichrist, who is at the church at the moment, steps in and he's like, hey, I thought you said some really rude things about the antichrist, or whatever. And so they're having this theological conversation where the pastor's like, look, I know an antichrist when I see what I can tell by the accent. It's a Ron Ormond movie. You sound vaguely, you sound like a Brooklyn guy who's never been to Europe doing European as though that was one accent. Right?

You're taking me back to the moment, man. That's so good. You've literally transported me back to the film. That's method. That's so method. Really good stuff. So, but then the preacher's like, I'm going to tell on you. And he's like, no, I'm going to give you a magical heart attack.

But apparently the priest has some anti-satanic heart attack pills. Fucking baby aspirin. On his desk. These are some really good pills. They work in three seconds to prevent the demon from attacking. Three seconds! Not even all the way down your throat yet. I don't know how it's working.

Worst. Curse you, Bayes! I'm just struck by how believers are so easily affected by satanic power. I mean, if you read the Bible, right? No weapon formed against me shall prosper, the victory's already won, blah, blah, blah. And then all it takes is some angular faced dude, squinting guy walking into the office

and he gives you that look like the look that, you know, an Olive Garden waiter brought you the calamari instead of the breadsticks and you got pissed off. And so you channel that kind of rage. And that's all it takes and you go into heart palpitations, heavy breathing, and sweats. I do not understand. I wrote my notes.

I'm like, why don't you compel him in the name of Christ, dude? If I was a pastor and a firm believer and the Antichrist killed me even before Act Two started, I would have words for Jesus when I get up there. I'm gonna go up there. But maybe my powers might be a little bit stronger than the demon and the powers and... You didn't say superior powers and principalities.

You just said powers and principalities. Yeah, right. Yeah, no, so he kicks the Antichrist out. Didn't realize I was on the losing team. Maybe tell your dad to design the heart a little bit better, more intelligently. I don't know. Fuck. So he kicks out the Antichrist,

and the Antichrist is so mad that he uses his telekinesis to shatter the glass in a framed picture. That was a weird low level use of anti- Very petty, very petty Antichrist stuff. Oh, you're going to kick me out? Well, fucking break your little frame that you have. There you go. Fuck you.

If you're barefoot later, you might hurt yourself. So then, okay, then we cut to this weird ass bus accident that Eli was talking about. This has nothing to do with the goddamn movie whatsoever. Clearly, like, again, like all of this footage was meant to be tied into a larger film. Nobody could figure out what he had in mind with this, but they're like, fuck it, we've got the footage.

And we have a bus. Because you know, these are church people, so what are the resources? What are the assets? Oh, sure. They've got congregants, they've got a building, and somewhere in the parking lot, they've got a bus, and they're like, oh shit, that's a prop that we don't have to pay for. We've got to shoehorn this into the film somewhere. Well, and what's amazing is they need a bus accident, but of course they can't wreck this

bus. So they just have it like somehow like diagonal a little bit. It was like one of those damaged ships in the original Star Trek, where you know, they would shoot the Romulans and hanging in space apparently by one engine from like a fishing line would be the ship. That's what they did to the bus in this movie. I want to know why a bus driver with children in the bus is doing fucking 70 miles an hour on a dirt road with S curves right he's like all

right kids you have flexible bones if you hit the ceiling I think you're gonna be fine. He starts it so we see the we see the accident and he's talking to the cops and he's like reliving it and we're flashing back to it. And this guy is just, it's like me playing fucking Mario Kart in here, right? He's like, I'm sorry, so I'm hauling ass down the road, seeing if I can get to 80 on this motherfucker over here. And then some asshole comes in, he's like drifts into my lane. Like you're gonna kill all these kids.

And the car that comes around the corner that runs him off the road. Anybody see that old 1977 horror movie called The Car? No. If you haven't seen it, you gotta go to YouTube because the whole film may actually be on YouTube, but it was sort of in the 70s and that specific kind of a vibe

where supernatural inanimate objects become specific kind of a vibe where supernatural inanimate objects become evil kind of a thing. And the car was this old school Lincoln Continental black and color, blacked out windows that apparently was a demon car with no driver. And it would just drive around and fuck people up. And that's all it did. It could go, it could run it over hitchhikers. It could drive through your house.

The only place it couldn't go was into a cemetery. Oh, it's gold. And so the car comes around there runs the, and so this is within three years of each other. And I think, okay, Universal Studios had this old car and they're like, well, let's put a classified ad out and see, are you, is anyone out there making an apocalypse movie and you need evil on four wheels called this?

Oh, interesting. And then Stephen King did so much cocaine and did maximum overdrive as like a third steel of this. Yeah, right, right. But yeah, so the cops are all like, well, that all sounds a little unbelievable. And the kid, and he's like, no, this kid was sitting up front with me.

And I'm like, what? He's like, tell them about it. And he's like, yeah, no, that's exactly what happened. I'm like, well, let's go back to why the fuck this kid was sitting up front with me. And I'm like, what? He's like, tell them about it. And he's like, yeah, no, that's exactly what happened. I'm like, well, let's go back to why the fuck a kid was sitting up front with you while you were driving a goddamn bus. We were smoking cigarettes together. Yeah, right, yeah.

But the kid tells us, he's like, I tried to get the car's license plate, but it disappeared. Pin in that in case you have an extra pin that you never have to pull out any point in your fucking life in the future. So okay, so then we cut to a preacher talking about that crash, right?

He's in the church the next day going like, yeah, you know, so there was a bus crash. I bet that's going to come back later on in the plot somehow, huh? Well, hang on a second, because I was lost. Who was on the stretcher whenever they loaded the, there was a body right after the body? I thought a kid got taken away on a stretcher Yes made even more confusing by the fact that this preacher is about to preface his church Sermon by being like so anyways nobody was hurt, and I was like I thought I just saw someone on a stretcher Yes, anyways, that's the morning announcements for church that we apparently have right now. Let's get to our religion Yeah that we apparently have right now, let's get to our religion. Yeah, those kids almost died.

And now a little Doc Severinsen and the Tonight Show band. And they like, do the choir as like a zoop away before the sermon? This guy, it turns out, like, do churches have like a warmup comedian, Seth, in your experience? Is that doing topical shit? But there were tons of that particular flavor

of church choir with the robes. I mean, these days in hip church culture, like the less formal you look, the more apparently you're in touch with the Jesus who accepts everyone come as you are Jesus kind of deal. But back then it was all like those sort of satin robes and muted colors with the white collars. And you look like, you know,

you literally look like you were carved out of ceramic and then they sit everybody in rows. And sometimes they segregate the men and the women because, you know, people with urges and robes might just sort of reach over. We never know. Do we try. And also how excited were you when the choir

started singing and it cut away? Right? Oh, Ron Or you knew our hearts. Imagine being Ron Orman, newly converted Christian filmmaker. You film an entire choir performance and days before your own death, you're like, that's boring as shit. Cut it. No strawberry syrup.

It goes. So we cut to, yeah, cause we Yeah, because we have the choir start singing and then we cut to like Dimitri that that is the Antichrist. So you can tell because he has a European name, right? Dimitri the Antichrist. He's like magically attacking the preacher in a flashback or something. I can't really tell. Right. But then we watched that sort of weird flashback and we cut to the end of the choir song and the guy going like, well, that was the end of the choir song. It was lovely. Wouldn't want to cut that out of a movie or anything. But then he introduces the preacher who is the preacher earlier

who had, you know, who saved himself from the demonic heart attack. I say the preacher from earlier. There's been like 11 of them so far. Right. Yeah. So that guy was like the opener. I saw the movie and I'm lost. Which preacher, which preacher are we talking about? It's hard to keep track for sure. So this is heart attack preacher. Okay, the one at the desk who grabbed the pills. Yes. He's the headliner pastor with like the real sermon,

I guess. Right, right. Yeah, he's no bullshit warmup sermon there. I just felt like this was a missed opportunity. I mean, the, the Antichrist or whoever is going You know, he's going after the pastor at the pulpit. I'm like this could have been a full-on scanners ripoff, right? Oh And instead what do we get we get this like spine-chilling display of apocalyptic limpness And then lays on the ground and then some dude comes up who obviously has no medical training. What are chest compressions for CPR?

You're supposed to do like five centimeters deep, a hundred a minute, right? This guy looks like he brushed away some lint on the guy's chest and said, I'm sorry. Sorry. It looks like, you know, he was a good man. He's dead. He's down. He's down. Hey, you know what?

We're already at church. Might as well do the funeral right now. Yeah, right. Maybe I do the elbow. Hey, no, still heart attack. All right. Well, and look, if any Christian filmmaker was ever going to go full skaters, it was Ron Ormond. You have to feel like maybe they talked him out of a more bloody and spectacular

death, like the dude could just have a heart attack, man. Is this the guy who put the sticks through the children's throat and if horses would tire? Is that right? Yeah, if they tire you and horses. He was always doing like kind of gore porn and calling it, well, I don't really enjoy this, but it's something that will happen. So therefore I must do it. Right. Yeah, that's the guy. Yeah. So, but he, but yeah, so he has a heart attack. We preach this all the way through it, right?

About what a foolish and atheists are. And then, you know, the guy says like, yeah, he's gone and his wife, they turned to his wife and she's got this like, well, damn it. Now who's going to drive on the way home? Kind of an attitude. Okay. So just to be clear, the Antichrist character gave the pastor a minor heart attack earlier to like build the moment and now gave him another one. It's a warning shot. Or maybe he was just practicing, right? Or he hasn't used his heart attack powers very much.

He got nervous. He's like, oh God, that was shit. That was shit. I'll come back. I'll come back later. I'm going to warm up. So, but yeah, so, but he dies and then everybody freezes long enough for fucking Vincent Price to explain that, you know, God actually meant for all of that to happen. Hey everybody. I read what Eli wrote in his scam notes during that last scene and no, God gave Satan powers for dramatic tension.

Loves a three actor, the Lord of the universe. Yeah, right. But the preacher guy is like, well, you know, but this reminds me of that time that Jesus came back from the dead. So we doodly-doo to Roman guards in front of the tomb playing Farkel. Now, Noah, they're playing dice, huh? Are they like normal dice that you might use for a normal dice? They'd actually be far larger than any dice that you would ever walk in.

They're extremely silly and large. These dice belong at an orgy for the nearsighted or hanging off of someone's rearview mirror. Or both. This is what your grandma uses with grandpa for his birthday. So authentic as they're standing out there in front of hardware store Dura Flame logs sitting right in front of them. Right, right. I like that they made one of those dice wrong.

It has two fours on it. You can see one of them has four and four next to each other. So yeah, so they're all just they're playing some dice and hanging out. A thunderstorm kicks up around them. An angel in white robes appears and rolls back the rocks. Oh, here's a great idea, Roman soldiers. Wear a metal hat in a lightning storm. I think that's awesome. That's awesome. Why would they have their helmets on at this point? What are they worried about happening?

But yeah, and then the guards pass out from Jesus's holiness apparently. Yeah, but they saw the other guy fuck up his face on the trash can earlier in the movie. So they do like a Southern bell pass out onto each other's calves and like cozy style. Yeah, I'll catch you if you catch me pass out. Yeah.

So now it's the next morning, the women show up at the tomb. They don't seem surprised that the rocks rolled back at all. And of course, where Jesus should be a glowy angel is there to explain what's going on in the story. Does it tell us why they just waltzed in? I mean, they just walked in like it was another day at the office. Yeah. I'm sorry.

This is a grave, and you guys are walking in like you're, you know, I don't know what they were doing. And then they find that pristine cloth, the empty cloth in the burial shroud, I guess, but there was not a mark on it, right? It's pristine. I thought the shroud of Turin people are gonna be pissed I wanted one of the women to turn to the others and be like ladies we should wait 500 years and then sprinkle some blood on this what do you think this is a good ale let's use the fibers from a different era though how about

that yeah sign it sign it ship a thesius at it. Sign it, Greg, from Roman times later. Let's add some carbon to it, too. And then to bring the good news to the masses, Mel Gibson can go on Joe Rogan and spread the good news. What a plan. What a plan. Yeah, and so the but the angels like he is risen and he disappears with a quick tada. And then this very southern lady goes, y' like, he is risen and he disappears with a quick tada and then this

very southern lady goes, y'all, he is risen. Yup, that's a sheet. He is a resurrected guy. That's official. He's risen and every casserole I make has marshmallows on top. Savory or sweet. I promise you that. So yeah, so and then Vincent fucking Price shows up and he goes, he is risen.

Everybody freeze again, freeze again. I'm talking now. And then he doodly do's us into Babylon because apparently that's the other footage they had. Oh, that was the ren fair Babylon. Yeah. We meet Zoltar. He's there in case anybody one wishes they were big Yeah, any point. I like that there were magicians doing magic tricks

Crystal balls and the wise men all sharing one big book. Yeah, that was cool So this is Nebuchadnezzar the king of Babylon and they and they tell us that he has, yeah, a magician, but also a sorcerer. Yes. And I was like, cool. He thinks one of the, like he's got a real magic guy and then he's got like a tricks guy. Yeah.

I was like, he has both. Probably kept asking the sorcerer to do that one where he figures out his card or whatever. Do the one with the linking rings. He's like, that's not a fucking sorcerer trick, man. He also, he also, he says that he's got a magicians and sorcerers and wise men. And I'm like, so what, what are the fucking magicians dumb? What are you talking about, man? So it's like what Eli describes me as the smart one, you know, it's good. So then, okay. So we cut to Nebuchadnezzar. He's having his nightmare and we see the big lovely tiger print over his bed.

Oh no, I wanna talk about this guy's bedroom cause this sounds like a guy I'd wanna hang out with. The old time I'm like, okay, I see hanging ropes. I got a purple dot wall that shaped like an X-Files alien. He's sleeping under the tiger tapestry. He's got 15 lit candles while he sleeps on top of the covers. He has a blue and a green silk pillow. And while he sleeps, he is wearing a little tiara.

That guy was awesome. That guy, fuck. You know that bed is spinning. They don't show us, but like that bed can fucking spin. And vibrating. And vibrating. And there's a mirror on the ceiling. Yeah. No, this is this there's some work being done. So so here's how amazing this fucking room is. Seth, there was also a giant lion print in that

room and you didn't even mention it. There's so much shit going on here. I can't even be bothered to mention the giant lion photo that kind of fucking clashes with the tiger theme. Yeah, the movie even like insists on showing you again. It's like, here's the lion. And then you see the tiger poster behind the bed. And they're like, by the way, if you didn't see it earlier, cause you got confused.

Yes, right. Here's the lion. We have both and this guy fucks. And we got, so we get one of these moments and this happens all the time in biblical movies where they're showing us something that was never meant to be visualized that far. Right? Because this is the story where Nebuchadnezzar has the dream about the statue that's layered and it's got gold and it's got the feet of clay, right? Or whatever. So what we have to see now is a statue that's layered like this, that's gold and then whatever

bronze and then iron and then then clay and it's like Well, it looks really fucking dumb So because again, it's not just because the dream if they could accurately represent it would already look silly But these motherfuckers had paper mache money, you know what I'm saying? It looks like your nephew's troubling first attempt at a chocolate Easter bunny. Like, you're like, yeah, this is great, buddy. I'm going to put this away and check you inpatient. But thank you so much.

No, I won't be eating it. It looked like they were building the statue of Péper-Maché at kindergarten and they couldn't get all the crayon colors they wanted exactly because somebody else got like other ones. Right. They did the best they could. Yeah, exactly. So, and then we see like a rock hurls towards it in slow motion, and it hits the feet, and then the statue falls, and then the statue explodes,

and then the statue explodes again. So, I love, they have the budget for absolutely nothing, but when it came time to blow some shit up, Ron Orman was like, blow it up twice though. Blow it up, make it blow up while it's blowing up. It's like how occasionally when you're listening to Christian music, you'll hear like a tiny bit of artistry from the person they could have been. That's how I feel whenever Ron gets to blow someone up or kill someone.

Yeah, right. It's like, there was a filmmaker in there once, my boy. She would have gone to church without you, Ron. So then we cut to fucking Daniel Bob having dinner, right? And this is my favorite fucking actor, because this guy's going to play Daniel, but he's got this just absolute Tennessee accent about it. He has a Tennessee accent and he has the haircut of Stuart from Mad TV. Yes. Tennessee accent and he has the haircut of Stuart from Mad TV. Yes! So the Kingsguard shows up, so sorry, the King you know wakes up from his

nightmare and he's like hey go get all of the wise men and the Chaldeans and the fucking magician and all of them bring them to me I have this dream thing going on right so the Kingsguard shows up where Daniel and the other wise men are and he's like pounding on the door. He's like, Hey, what do you want? He's like, I'm going to kill you slowly. And he's like, what? He goes, the king had a bad dream that he needs interpreted. It's such a weird threat because he's like, I cannot wait to peel the skin from your flesh. And he's like, what? And he's like, sorry, I should back up. The King has a task that I think you won't be able to do and then when you fail, I'm sorry, I opened this weird.

I'm like, I'm kind of freaking out right now because I feel like I started things weird. Do you want to go back out and start again? Okay, can I start again? Yeah, yeah, yeah, well, you came in a little hot. Try to smooth it out. Hey, Daniel, how's it going? No, no, too hard, too hard.

Shake it out. I like how the King walks in and attempts to be threatening with, if you want to know what was on his head, Hey Daniel, how's it going? Nope, not too hard. Too hard. Shake it out. I like how the king walks in and attempts to be threatening with, if you want to know what was on his head, Google 1990s Jiffy Pop. It was just this big bubble of foil on his head. And then he appears he's using the same kind of dull knife that Abraham was using. Did you notice this different color? It's like he walked in and threatened him with a garden tool. He's like, you will come and interpret

the King's dream or I will make uneven rows in your pomegranate field. So yeah, so, but he's like, yeah, no, I can interpret the dream. And so we, we watch Daniel thinking about the dream. Now the way this is visualized. Yes. So he's like standing there staring out a window and the upper right quadrant of the screen is showing us the dream again. You mean he thinks he thinks in the movie? In the movie they think?

When people pray do you think some of them are like, tootlely tootlely tootlely? Oh, great question. Interesting. When people pray, do you think some of them are like, tootlely-tootlely-tootlely? Trying to make it out. Oh, interesting, interesting. Or somebody watching that movie going like, well, that's fucked up. When I pray, I don't see stuff up in the upper left. But Daniel totally credited God

with all the heavy lifting, right? He's like, yeah, well, you know, I interpreted the thing, but God figured it out. So sorry, no, it was, I may have interpreted the dream, but God has solved the mystery. Right, yeah, yeah, it was, I may have interpreted the dream, but God has told me a dream. Right, yeah, yeah, that's right. So we cut to the king watching the least sexy belly dance of all time. So, but he's like clearly not into it.

Sorry, I really would love to enjoy your sexy belly dance, but like there's a new episode of Severance on Apple TV and I'm kind of waiting for you to finish so I could watch it. I think that scene, I may be wrong with the family in the alley, but I think that scene was the first time that a female character said a word in the entire movie. Yeah. And it was whispered and it was like unintelligible, like, okay, well, you're right. We'll give you a line, but this is the Old Testament. And so, you know, you're not allowed

to have authority over men anyway. So we're just going to make you mute and dress you in glittery things, and then you go sit in the corner. We didn't have the women's liberation of the book of Timothy yet at this point in history. You have to pass the reverse back, Deltas. Well, no, yeah. You can only communicate about men to other men.

Right now I'm thinking about it. I think you're absolutely right. This there's this one woman who goes Daniel's here and that probably is the first time I or know that Eve Eve is spoken in the. That's right. That's right. Yeah, I didn't want to spoil it, but there is even the night events that she is. Yeah, but damn near enough that we had to scratch our heads about it.

Yeah. So but Daniel shows up and so the the king claps everybody stops dancing and the music stops and everything I feel like that's a confusing signal. What if he really was enjoying the dancing, right? Yeah, they'd have to start again every time he claps once they stop claps again. He starts again So but Daniel explains the dream he goes like, you know the feet of clay He doesn't actually explain the dream, but he's like, you know, you get it. You've read the Bible, right? And then fucking Vincent Price shows up again to tell us what the rest of that scene would have looked like if Ron hadn't died before they finished filming it, I guess. You guys get it.

Daniel did the thing and Jesus was the rock. And we did a thing where Larry crawled out of a big paper maché rock dressed like Jesus But we just didn't have the heart for it Anyways, if you're wondering what the signs of the apocalypse will be it's um Disagreeing with me. Yes, right. Yeah. Yeah, so just out of nowhere He's like well, so yeah So the part that Daniel missed is that the rock was Jesus and I'm like wow So the part that Daniel missed is that the rock was Jesus. And I'm like, wow.

The all-knowing God revealed the meaning to him in a fucking state of trance or whatever. How did he miss a part? Just God walking away from Daniel, patting his pockets. Oh shit, did I forget to tell him that the rock was Jesus? Oh, that's awesome. So you got Nebuchadnezzar who requires someone

to explain the dream. And then you have the preacher who has to explain the explanation of Daniel to explain the dream. Yes, right, right. Which is really a good, it's kind of a great metaphor for how the Bible has been transferred down Oh, interesting. from the generations, right?

Yeah, and then they realize that their prophecy still hasn't happened yet that they just named. So he's like, wait, no, there's also the fucking falling away thing, we're not wrong yet, just named. So he's like, wait, no, there's also the fucking falling away thing, we're not wrong yet, we're not wrong yet. Right, yes, we're not quite wrong, yeah. The decay of society has to happen. And they show us that for a second.

The decay is gonna be disco and like ladies with credit cards buying drinks. Yeah. Yes. Yep. But isn't that, doesn't that really tell you something about this all-knowing God that he's got this incredibly important message, right? About Jesus shaking things up and everything and be ready for that in the second coming and all that. So the way

he does it, he's like, you know what I'm going to do is I'm going to give the King a dream and then I'm going to have the ninth person that tries to interpret it, interpret it correctly. I'm going to have that put into a book and then we'll have Vincent Price interpret that later for a movie in 1980. Yeah, right. That was God's fucking plan. Apparently, JJ Abrams is reading it like it seems a little unclear. And then what if a ball rolls down a ramp and that lights a match and then that rope

that fall and then the mouse at the bottom gets the cage. We had a shade of this recently. I was co-hosting a show on the line and we had somebody call up to do a riff on numerology, which is one of those things where they go through the Bible and they're like, okay, in every sixth chapter of the seventh verse of the 30th word of the 50th letter, on a day with an R in it, if you stand on one leg,

if you add it all up and it comes to six, six, six or a seven number of some kind and that means something relevant then I'm like, what kind of a sadist would essentially say, okay, eternity is in the balance. So to keep from burning, here's what I want you to do. You guys know Sudoku? It actually spells out MAGA. So that's how I vote now. Amazing. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, now that we've been reminded Jesus is coming back for the 26th time in the film, it's starting to kind of sink in. So I need a minute to rethink things. But first, let me give Act 3 the hard sell.

Do you know where you'd go if you died tonight? Have you heard the good news about Jesus? Do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the so much crazier than you are prepared for conclusion of The Second Coming. Hey podcast listener, do you love atheism? What about the pure unbridled sexual magnetism of Jeff Blackwell? Well then do we have the event for you.

AAcon 2025, April 17th through the 20th in downtown Minneapolis, Minnesota at the Minneapolis Marriott City Center. This is a gathering you don't want to miss. There are three full days of presentations and workshops, social events and entertainment, and a compelling lineup of activists, community leaders, politicians and academics. And featured speakers at this year's event include a host of the thinking atheist, Seth Andrews and Minnesota Attorney General Keith Ellison. But it's not just speakers,zens of exhibitors from secular organizations,

advocacy nonprofits, your favorite podcasters, YouTubers, and more, including us, will be there. Well, no, we'll be there. I'll be there somewhere, yeah. And you wanna bring the family? American Atheists is partnering with Camp Quest this year, so attendees can bring their whole family, and kids aged five to 15 will enjoy a weekend of fun friends and free thought.

But don't wait! To learn more and register now, visit convention.atheists.org. That's convention.atheists.org. A-A-Con, because you could spend your Easter hunting for community. Aww, very nice. Right? Mitch! Mitch! Hey Craig, what's up? Did you hear? Thousands of people are coming to see you. for community. Aww, very nice. Right? Tsk tsk tsk tsk Mitch! Mitch!

Hey Craig, what's up? Did you hear? Thousands of people are disappearing! Oh, you mean like the Rapture? Oh, oh, uh, yeah. I guess it must be the Rapture then. Yeah, it has to be. Good point. Hey, fellas!

Fellas, did you see that the Rapture happened? Right? What are the chances? I'll tell you this. I am sure it's the rapture. Why, sure. Literally all media and aspects of society have been permeated by promises of the rapture. Not understanding this was the rapture would be like not recognizing Mickey Mouse. If Mickey Mouse spent billions of dollars a year telling people about himself. Yeah, exactly.

Hey fellas, did you hear about this mystery on the news? Mystery? Charlie, what are you talking about? Yeah, apparently there's a missing earring. No, Charlie, people are disappearing. So it's the Rapture then? Yep, the Rapture. Definitely the Rapture.

And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Roger Awaking to an alarm clock that Tom Curry would consider a little much Right. Okay. So at this point I was like what the fuck is happening with this movie? And that's when I looked up and realized that Ron Orman had died now I know what you're thinking I should have realized that when they dedicated the movie to him But I didn't realize he died midway through making it. So now the whole movie had a real I'm going to make this last Jolly Rancher last for this car ride.

Yes. Yeah. And when he died, was it like the death of the preacher on stage? Did someone just come by and sort of brush their palm across his heart? Patted him on the chest and was like, yep, dead. Yep. It's not going to work for you. Yeah. I wonder if they filmed that afterwards as sort of a, I bet it was the antichrist that

got him kind of a thing. Have you noticed that in the rapture movies and a thief in the night, that whole trilogy or actually it's four films, they have Jesus arriving, the rapture happens and all the believers disappear. If you read the Bible, it is like a big deal. But they have Jesus arriving, the rapture happens, and all the believers disappear. If you read the Bible, it is like a big deal. The trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised, incorruptible, we shall be changed. So the fanfare is going to be so grand, so global, so intense, so undeniable, that it

can be outdone by a desk alarm clock. The trumpet of Christ's return doesn't wake him, but the buzzing of his alarm clock rouses him immediately, makes no sense. Alexa, snooze the Jesus trumpet. Well, and also, like we get the, like the sketch just talked about, we get the whole stupid, like,

nobody seems to know about the rapture after it happens thing as well. So, so he calls his mom to tell him he's too hung over to go to church with her. And we, you know, we all had that moment of like, wow, did it really take that long to dial a rotary phone? God, I forgot about that. But while he's doing that, the news is cuts into the radio. And it's like, people everywhere have disappeared. We don't know what happened yet, but we'll tell you later in the movie.

You know? Yeah. And I know that you all just heard a sketch about this, but I will never get over Rapture movies where everybody doesn't know it's the fucking Rapture. Sometimes I walk in the room and call my wife's name twice and I'm like, oh, that was the fucking Rapture. LAUGHS I like that the radio had excellent timing for explaining the Rapture. Like right after he gets up, alarm straight to a radio and they like break in

and they're like breaking news, Rapture. And then they say it again. They're like, right. If you were if you're just joining us after my one sentence a second ago, I'll say it again. Rapture. If you are calling your mother and not really paying attention to the radio, I should probably mention one more time. It's like in all those movies when someone's like, turn on your TV when something newsworthy

happens and 300 channels, they just happen to have it on. I repeat. Yes. Yes. The plot of the, yeah, yeah, the premise. So yeah, but he can't get his mom on the line and he's heard that a bunch of people are disappearing So he goes to check on his mom Right and we know right away that she's raptured because her tea cattle is squealing away And that's one of the six items at Tony D's house of fucking rapture cliches Right, but Roger the character doesn't know it's a rapture movie

So he just resorts to breaking mom's window way too fast. Instantly. Mom could have been taking a shit, Roger, relax. Even a piss, cause it's just like knock, knock, knock. Ma, ma breaks the fucking window. Smash. Smash. I don't think he gave her a second ma. I think it was a one ma situation.

I think she was out front looking in a bewildered way at the sky. And here's why I say that, because there is in Christian tradition, this notion that when Jesus returns, he will return from the East. And it's rooted in a scripture about, I forget exactly what the scripture says,

but Christian tradition is so married to this that if you go to a cemetery where you see Christians are buried, the plots are facing east, the head must face east, because when Jesus arrives, apparently like he's gonna arrive so he can be seen in the east.

And I've just never understood this. Okay, so you're a Christian in, I don't know, New York City. Does that mean Jesus is gonna drop down, what, over the North Atlantic? If he descends on Israel, then what? The people at Riyadh, they can't turn around and look west. So they're totally hosed.

You know, I just don't know. Jesus comes down and he only does like 180 degree pan. He's like, ah, just leave everybody else. And if they face the heads East, those people can only see West. It's like laying in bed. You wouldn't put your TV behind your head, you'd put it in front of your head.

I don't know. It's something about how if they were to rise up, they would be looking East. This happened at my own grandmother's funeral digression. They had an outdoor service and they had her positioned out there and her casket was there. And my mother, my religious mother was like agitated.

She's like, oh my God, it's something. I'm like, well, what's wrong? She's facing the wrong way. And so I'd never heard of this thing before. So I'm like, what are you talking about? Well, she has to be facing the East. And I just don't get, Jesus comes back and he doesn't see grandma facing East

and just says, fuck it. And he just leaves I don't understand this at all. So I think I get it Okay, so it's not about because Jesus is gonna take her one way or the other But imagine that you're the only one in the elevator facing backwards Yeah, that's a power move that I do. I like to pace the back of the elevator and go not today People let you out first no matter what floor you're going to. Oh, interesting. Yeah.

So he breaks into mom's house. He's looking, she's got the radio on again. It comes on at exactly the right time. One more time. Right. And it comes in and it goes like more news on the disappearances. The president is meeting with the joint chiefs of staff and a bunch of preachers. If you just broke into your mom's house and walked into a

room where there's a radio on, good luck to you. Right. Here's the news. Well, and then he picks up, I guess it's not a Bible, right? Because it has to talk clearly about the rapture and the Bible doesn't do that at any point. So he finds this little tiny book, right? And he starts absolutely leafing through it. He goes, Oh, this is a, this is a book about the rapture. How convenient. Have you noticed how freaked out everybody is about the rapture? I mean, this is something that Christians are supposed to be looking forward to. Come Lord Jesus, please take me away. Heaven's going to be an amazing place where I have mansions and streets of gold. I get to be reunited with grandma, my best friend and the family dog. And I cannot wait

for Jesus. And then all of a sudden a sign of the em imminent return of Christ comes along or the rapture. And they're like, they lose their minds. Every time. Yep. This should be parties. So which is it? Are you excited about the end of this physical realm or are you terrified of this physical

realm coming to an end? Is there any chance that a bunch of you are liars and you're not actually following any of it? You guys seem really sad at funerals, which doesn't make sense either. Also, have you noticed on the radio when they were saying that the president and the Joint Chiefs of Staff will be meeting to discuss this? And I'm like, I'm sorry, why in all of these films

are the president and the joint chief of staff not raptured because they're apparently not Christians. Can you name one American president who was not identified at least publicly as a Christian in some way? So is the implication that they were all secret atheist and just being politicians about their religion? Jimmy Carter, that evil atheist,

that was the guy at the time. Also weird that he's going to bring in the Navy on this. He's like, wow, a lot of people disappeared. I wonder what the Navy thinks of this. I don't understand that. But this is, this is of course where we get the money shot of the film, right? Because Roger sits down on the end of the bed and he looks right at the camera and he says these exact words words I shit you not

My mother was right She sure was It's funny you wrote that that's the money shot because I wrote in my notes That's the closest Christians are gonna get to officially porn. You're right Yeah, exactly exactly as we learned with fireproof with Kirk Cameron It was mean to do an atheist podcast making fun of Ron Orman's movies at any time ever. That's what I'm saying now. That's what I've learned. Yeah, right.

So but then the the narrator takes us to this fucking cemetery to kick off a little rapture montage. And this is where we get to see what Seth was talking about, the people having to be spring loaded to the east. We see a grave just explode and we're like, I'm listening, Ron. Karen buried in a pez dispenser immediately sprung to meet God in the air. It's fucking phenomenal. I was looking at this grave and I was like,

is there about to be a person in this grave? In my wildest dreams, I did not believe we were going to watch someone explode out of that grave. With a candy crush sound effect. Yes, right, right. There's like a Nosferatu kind of thing just goes boing to a vertical position. Well, and then we've got like, yeah, right. No, it's like somebody stepped on a rake, but a human being. And then we have, we have this little montage of different people like, you know, where the, where the dad gets raptured at the farm and the son doesn't and the husband doesn't get raptured, but the wife does. And every

time somebody gets raptured, they do to do it to the sound effect of Link finding a secret room. Yeah. Right. I don't know what that is. Can somebody perform it for me or something? Oh, Mr. Flash Gordon reference doesn't get your cells a joke, Noah. Not quite as relevant as the Jiffy Pop of the 1990s. I have failed you, my son. What's it sound like? What's it sound like? He had that in the fucking chamber. No, it was Ray. Yeah, he asked me what a Legend of Zelda sound effect sounds like. Okay, come on. So then we get the evening news. I love this fucking evening news report so goddamn much. Because

this is the, you know, the rapture has happened, the anti-crisis has taken over, and we're about to do the 666 thing, right? And so the evening news guy comes up and he goes, everyone will have to be labeled, every man, woman and child. Sources say this comes directly from world headquarters. And we're like, world headquarters of what? UN I love the fact that when he shows his own 666 stamp on his hand It looks like he just got stamped for admission at the trampoline park. Oh, right. Yeah He just like my hour started at 1120. I've got 15 more minutes. You're not kicking me out of here That's exactly what I was thinking when I saw his wrist. Yeah, and the news guy says, the edict is it has to be electronically labeled on your right hand or your forehead.

First of all, who the fuck's choosing forehead? That's insane. Right, that'd be weird. Electronically labeled, like this is 1980, like you would get like an Atari 2600 smashed into your forehead. Like what technology do you think they're using there? I love computers in 1980s movies.

Have you noticed that all it takes is like 10 seconds for them to do exactly what you want them to do? Right, yeah. All you have to do is it's like was it Star Trek 4? Scottie sitting there in a Mac and he just like immediately starts typing and within 30 seconds, oh look, transparent aluminum. Like those computers in the 80s will do, all you have to do is just type in,

please make a number of the beast. Boom, immediately Steve Hawking. I hated that scene so fucking much because why would he be good at typing? Right, it makes no fucking sense. He's been able to talk to his computer and he's typing like a super fucking typist. Why would being from the future make you fast at typing?

That's so dumb. Also, everyone's going to scan like the same bank account number. It's all six, six, sixes. It's all the same number. It would need to be a fucking QR code or something. You can't just scan all the same ones. I feel so stupid that I've never thought of that in my life. Like, I got barcodes because there was during the Satanic Panic, there

was a claim that barcodes were actually the numbers of the beast and computers were tied into the end times and all that. Well, I mean like one of the 10 digits was a six. If everybody's 666, I mean, we're definitely all drawing from the same well, aren't we? Yeah. Yeah. What if I were to tell you about a little Ponzi scheme known as the Federal Reserve? Okay. All right. Hear me out. And why is this reporter immediately in agreement with the whole thing too?

He's just like excited about it. Well, because he works for the deep state. Oh, okay. Okay. Right. He's scared. Yeah. The Illuminati got to him. We shouldn't have called the Antichrist a rapist. That's our fault.

He did get convicted of a thing that is that word. Yeah. Okay. Sorry. So, okay. So then we cut to Roger and he's in line to get his tattoo. So we see like their idea. We see 1980s idea of a futuristic tattoo machine. So it might as well be a Gravitron, right? I was wondering if somebody was going to play load runner on one of the monitors. That's how old it all looked.

It's a sweet game. I also, they mentioned it earlier. We don't get to see anyone take it, but they mentioned that the choice is hand or forehead. And I just, I really want a one-on-one interview with the guy who chooses forehead. It's just like, you know, sometimes I got my hands in my pocket. Okay. It's a lot easier. Make it out every time.

So like, but when you want to like boop it at the store, you're going to headbutt the little thingy or? Little bow. Little bow. You're going to headbutt? Oh, you're going to do it? You're going to bow? I'm going to have a hell of a time getting that under the passport scanner at the airport, right?

And I hate self-checkout at the grocery store, let me tell you I gotta get my squeeze myself under that little thing Gets me right in the cum gutters. So but But okay so but but Roger decides at the last minute that he can't do it great because he's been reading about this rapture. So he jumps out of line. And then we have this scene where he said he's a little guy greasy spoon. He's ordering I try to order a hamburger and they're like, but you ain't got the mark you know mark no boiga for you.

I'm so sorry Noah. I know this film is only 15 minutes and we are so close to the end. You can taste it. I can taste it. But I do need to talk about how this order is taken the man at the counter says What for you? Yeah, and you see the actor who plays Roger going we're obviously take no. Oh, we're not taking that again All right, what for you it is then a hamburger is what I would be for He goes a hamburger medium and I'm like I think in that place you get the hamburger, how he cooks the hamburger, bro. I don't think this guy has a meat thermometer back there.

And if he does, he doesn't use it for the meat. So yeah, so he leaves. He's like, no hamburger for you. He goes, okay, I don't want to stir a problem. So he goes outside, but a couple of atheist heavies are out there ready to beat him up for not having his mark of the beast. Atheist hooligans. Yeah. I don't want to start a problem. So he goes outside, but a couple of atheist heavies are out there ready to beat him up for not having his mark of the beast. Atheist hooligans, yeah. Oh, I love this scene. Our protagonist, TJ Hooker, the hell out of this.

I swear to God. Just, I mean, it was absolute 80s action gold. Fuck, yeah, it was. It's like you've got that, toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot toot in the background. And obviously the trumpet's action gold. Well, you know, it was like, you've got that in the background. The trumpets going on and he's, you know, and one of the baddies, I think, was wearing the obligatory leather jacket.

I recall. Yeah. And, and of course had the obligatory switch blade to pull out halfway through the fight, but you start with the switch blade, you're going to, you're going to be fine, but no halfway through the fight. He's like like also switchblade now that switchblade's not gonna do anything against that shatner that william shatner move that the guy did at the end with the double fist he just kind of spun around and sent him off into

the wall yeah no switchblade can master that no no they wouldn't figure that out for another 10 years at least so but roger wins the fight and he runs off and he like hides under a bridge where he turns to God and he's like, Lord, you got to help me. And Lord's like, should have thought about that before the rapture, Roger. What's that about though? I mean, I don't mean to jump in again, but I'm sorry. He, he runs what a distance of maybe a hundred yards and he's running at the speed of litigation. Okay? And then he just stops and decides, you know, this would be a great time to do some reading.

And he just sits down and starts reading. I don't understand this. Yeah, and the atheist greasers are like, he's gone, where'd he go? He's magically under a bridge, disappeared. And he pulls out the book again. So he's like, just now finally reading the answer key about the rapture in this book he had.

Right. And he reads some more and he's reading like the details of the prophecies and every detail it appears is somehow playing out exactly like it says in the book, right next to him there under the bridge. Right. He's like looking around and it's happening.

It's amazing too because just in case you don't follow along with what he's doing, he says out loud as he opens the book, my mom used to tell me to read Revelation. That's the exact fucking line in the movie. And then he's like, all the trees and grass will burn up. Check. And I'm like, did that happen off screen somewhere? And they're like, no, see, here's a fire. And the whole time he's sitting there, of course, the drama is,

I wonder if he'll be discovered. Now, we're talking about a Caucasian sitting under a bright street light wearing a white t-shirt. This guy could have been seen from space. From space. But no, he's got plenty of time to read Revelation and sure is sorry about rejecting Jesus for all those years. Right? We get a locust tease here, right? Yeah.

Because they're going through all the things. It's like, there'll be the pit. And I was like, I know it comes out of the pit. And they're like, the locusts come out of the pit. And I was like, oh my God, are they locusts? But they're locusts. No, they don't give a shit. Ron was dead. I was furious. Me know it comes out of the pit. And they're like, the locusts come out of the pit. And I was like, oh my God, it's a locust. But they locust. No, they don't give a shit.

Ron was dead. I was furious. Me too, thank you. Instead. Holding you in the light. The clown car Zamboni of Jesus Cops rolls up again. Right? And Helmet shows up and he turns to the main character

and he goes, at last we meet Mr. Morgan. And we're like, what? Are you just, you're just excited to finally meet the main character? First we meet Mr., hold on, let me fix my thing, my thing's broken. Hold on. Let me put up the thing.

Fuck. At last we meet Mr. Morgan. Fuck. Was the implication that the hero was on a list, how would they know who he was? I don't know. I wasn't making a connection at all. It's like, this seems awfully a very familiar conversation considering that you just turned a corner. Right. Right. Like there's a very, like Ron Ormond had some other ideas in mind of these two characters knowing who they were,

kind of a thing going on. But then Roger. Punches him in the helmet. The check you tell them anywhere else, man, hurt me hurt myself. He punches him in the helmet and somehow I think punching helmet in the helmet knocks him unconscious, knocks himself out. Yes, they actually do a clean up shot of this later in the movie where they show someone knocking him out with the gun like someone was like, Greg, I found that reel where the guy knocks about after he punches his helmet. Should we just put this wherever the fuck we feel like it later in the movie? Why would you go for the unarmed guy in the helmet when the dude next to him apparently was carrying what looked like a submachine gun or whatever why not take him out first right and he doesn't have

a helmet do the big Shatner punch come on yeah obviously so okay but then Roger wakes up in a dungeon and all of us are just like our notes are all just question marks from this point on right because suddenly there are Oompa Loompas there's a dude who's painted green here. Yeah. There's the mud farmer from Monty Python, Holy Grail. Yep. Yep. This is like when we're at a live event

and someone asks one of you two about the podcast of ours. They're like, So wait, I don't understand. The Wold Asher Mizl knows Manscaped Man? What do you guys have to... You gotta ask. You gotta ask the Schizophrenic Tube, man. What do you guys have to, you gotta ask. You gotta ask the schizophrenic too, man. We're just doing a podcast.

It's so fucking weird. So there's a guy who like looks like, you know, if you were trying to do a horror version of Alice in Wonderland that was also a porn, this character would judge her at some point. Yeah. Well, the whole thing was like one of those Christian hell houses. And if you don't know what hell houses are to the listeners, these are Christian versions

or church versions of haunted houses that they will do in the month of October, except that all of the stuff that you're supposed to be seeing is real. And they have this obligatory, like fake cave that's usually made out of garbage bags and spackle. And they throw people in red robes, and there's a red and brown floodlight. And then they've always got somebody in bad makeup who does the obligatory devil voice where they're like, what should be done with the one who refused the mark? That's exactly what that scene did for me. I just thought, Oh my God, I just went back in time to all of the hell houses we went through.

That's exactly what it is. This is all the leftover shit from the hell house. Yeah. Made it into the movie. It's just like a debanking hearing like Mark Ramblison. I heard that actually did happen. You've been listening to the Joe Rogan. The no Rogan experience. Well, yeah, right, right. Yeah. So, but then this is, I guess, his trial, right? They're like, we charge you with not having a tattoo on your face. And I'm like, well, pretty easy to find him guilty of not having a tattoo on his face,

I guess. And they do right away. And they sentence him to death via- Best. Best weapon ever. This is almost my best word. This is so good. Yeah. This was something that Mario would have to run through, right? By the way, Seth, Mario is a character that runs off the...

Shut up. Stop talking. Stop talking. He's an Italian, you see, Seth. He's an Italian. It's like something load runner would have to run through. Does that help? He's an Italian. It's like something load runner would have to do. So yeah, so they have a swinging guillotine that slowly drops a little bit at a time towards your neck. But it's a pendulum. It's not going to like actually cut your head off.

It's just going to slice it a little bit. Yeah, it's just like a mezzaluna thing. Yeah, right. Right. It's just like a mezzaluna thing. Yeah, right. Like the Kichu Hutter thing. But it's not even on like a normal like analog slow dipping device. It's like a ratchet thing. It just goes down like a click and it's like, nope, still not hitting his neck. Okay, one more click down.

Nope. Now it's really close, I guess. Three, two, okay. Now we got it. And then. Cut his head off. Somebody climbed to the top and hand painted 666 on the wood like, oh, it's not deadly until we decorate it.

Guys, what have I told you about branding the guillotine? I'm looking at this thing going, all right, Jesus, how many moving parts are there? Just use Abraham's butter knife because I think it'll be more efficient than what you're doing here. Oh my God. So yeah, so they have, they do that. And then of course he wakes up. It was all a dream.

Because fuck you know, he does the sitting straight up thing. If you're just joining us on the radio, it was all a dream. Don't worry about it. There's a reason by the way that Christianocalypse films are so focused on beheading. First of all, I think there's kind of a gore porn aspect to this. I think there's a lot of the, I think I mentioned this earlier, a lot of the apocalyptic preachers, I think this is their way of talking about the shit that they really get off on. But then they say, well, it's not my idea.

But they really enjoy the sort of the dark side. But if you get into Revelation 20, it says, and I saw thrones and they sat on them and judgment was committed. I saw the souls of those who had been beheaded before their witness to Jesus. And I think this is one of the reasons that we see axes and knives and guillotines

and all these, you know, sort of a pit and the pendulum type contraptions to behead. I'm not sure why believers have to be beheaded, like it makes them more dead or something, but that's where that comes from. Also, a lot of people assume that 666 is actually in the Bible. If you want some real fun, try to watch any explanation from any apists on why it's gonna maybe be 666 so it's well it's the number of man who was created on the sixth day or it's Satan's mockery

of the Trinity so he doubled three or it's a triangle and what and that has scary pointy ends and if you have two triangles that's 666. You know how when you're making fun of something and you fucking double it right in their face? It's like that. It is insane. What? I thought it was in the Bible, I assumed.

I've read it and I just assumed I missed it. It is insane. 666 is no, it's just, they just have to like make shit up. No, it says like 600. There's a reference I think in First Kings about Solomon. He had 666 talents of gold. The number, I believe, is in there. Oh, okay.

When it talks about the number of the beast, as I understand, there's not actually a direct link. So what happens is a lot of these seminary types get together and they start doing this game of twister, where they're like, you know, the beast as described in Revelation is sometimes described in Greek symbolism with the symbol Chi Chi Stigma, which represents the value, which may have been 666.

It's crazy. So stupid. So in our movie, our characters woken up now, he's realized that the revelation, that the rapture hasn't happened, right? So he calls his mom, you know, just to make sure, just to doubly check, but there's no answer. So he rushes to church Just in time. I guess he storms and everybody stops churches like the record needles scratches in the sermon or whatever And they're like Roger. What's the better? He's like looking for my mother

I did church I guess I could have just come in quietly to do that now that I think about it But you're just joining us your mom's taking a shit. She'll be right out. I really wanted him to smash the window of the church. Sorry, I said church twice. You want proof that this was staged though? If anybody's been in a Baptist church, the first two rows were occupied in the film. In real life, no Baptist ever sits on the front two rows.

I don't know why. If maybe it's for deacons or they just want to sit back. They don't want to get the stare from some Byron Brimstone. Right, you don't want Shamu to splash him or whatever. You don't want to be like one of those nerd Methodists that sit in the front, right? They have this guy, they actually find the seat for our hero and they put him next to this creepy

70 year old woman who can't stop staring at him. And I thought, you know, I'm thinking to myself, she's, she's rubbing on this guy going, you know, I'd like to get the number to his beast. That's exactly what I was thinking in my mind. So, and then the preacher is like, excuse me. I was doing a, I was preaching. Could everybody look at me? He actually says that he's like, everybody look at me now again. Please clap. Yeah, right. Right. He's just preaching again. And all my notes at this point are just like, oh, my God, how did you people

sit through this shit awake? Right. Like how in the hell did you make it through week after week of this shit without falling asleep visibly? Right. But so he's preaching. And apparently Ron Ormond thinks the same thing, right? He's like, guys, this is fucking boring. Let's flash back to earlier parts of the movie so that the audience can go. Oh, wait. Yeah.

What was the point of the bus crash? What was the point? I don't know. We never learned. We never learned. Why did we introduce Dimitri? What was that all about? Right. What? Yeah. Wasn't he supposed to become like the head of the UN or something like that in most of

these movies? Eventually, yeah. Was that part of the dream? Why would he dream about that part? He wasn't in it. Of course we would link a car accident on a dirt road to a one world government and the Antichrist takeover of the entire planet. I was not tracking.

We can all extrapolate that. They don't need to spell it. Yeah, that's a good point. It's good writing. Well, so also, you know, and the thing is, of course, obviously the bus crash was included because they'd already filmed that and they needed to use everything they could to get to that sweet 56 minute runtime. But they also needed to include this fucking montage, right? Of remember the movie? So we see a bunch of scenes of that and then we cut back to the preacher for a second.

He's like, it's like there will be a war between good and evil. And they're like, oh yeah, no, that's another way we can pad runtime. How about three minutes of public domain war footage? It's so weird because what we hear in the sermon is there's gonna be this epic war between God and the the one world globalist evil army or whatever and then we see Vietnam stock footage. They cut to a war that had finished five years earlier. There will be wars that are already over. Any minute now. And why would the United Nations be attacking God with like

regular weapons in Vietnam? None of it makes any sense. Right. Who's yes. I think it's like those old Tarzan movies, you know, they'll show some actor and he's swinging on an obvious indoor set on the fake Vine and all of a sudden to give an era of an era of authenticity, they just cut away to some stock clip of a National Geographic clip of a cheetah running out on the savannah. It's awesome. Yeah. So we watched these war shots for so long and eventually we resolve on this radio operator

and he's yelling for help and he turns over one of the many dead bodies around him and it's Roger with ketchup on his face. Was the implication that he was himself a soldier at some point? I don't know. Maybe he was having a flash to the future during the war against Jesus. Satan. Which happened in Cambodia.

Right, right. Which will apparently involve rocket fired grenades. I'm very excited for that part of the whole war. Sword Mouth Jesus is going to have a hard fucking time if RPGs are part of it. He'll just knock him back. He'll hit him back with his fucking sword. Yeah. With his pickleball partner, Heath.

And right. That's right, everybody. So, but after having like, you know, thought about both of those montages back to back, of course, Roger realizes it's time to give his life over to Christ. So he takes a knee right in the middle of the dude sermon, I guess, right? And he has a personal moment with Jesus. We see Jesus marching into battle on his horse with all his angels. Okay, this was excellent because we see that for a second and then we get another clip from Vietnam there. So like theoretically Jesus and a squad of angels appear in the

sky magically astride beautiful white horses and then one guy from the fucking United Nations Army shoots a bazooka at him. I don't know they couldn't handle chariots of iron last time. I want to see them. God damn it, man. Fuck you. Fuck you. So yeah, so but yeah, Jesus stops the war mid explosion. We actually see like some like explosions just freeze frame and they're like, Oh, I

was Jesus who did that. And then Roger weepily apologizes to Jesus for not being Christian yet. He says through his tears, he goes, I don't want to die and go to hell. So his only stated motivation is fear. Right. And then the movie winks at us. It's like, you probably don't want to die and go to hell either. Ha the end, the end. And we get like Tim greens contacted, but he gives us his fucking LinkedIn. He's like, huh? Pretty good movie, huh?

I'm still alive somehow. But that's it. So if you're not convinced you won't be convinced. And Seth, thank you so much for letting us dredge up your old trauma for our entertainment. Oh, dude, it's always so good to hang out with you guys. I learned a couple of new phrases that I will be never ever using in everyday conversation today. Or Googling. Just not Googling.

In fact, I'm going to erase them from memory if at all possible. And definitely don't go to Seth Andrews, come gutters doc. No, no, stop it. Don't say it. I swear to you guys. No, what a real thrill to be able to hang out with you lovely people and thanks for it. And honestly, this is fun for me. Christian media is its own animal.

And the Christian media of that era, mid to late 20th century stuff is just so ripe for parody. And it's a great sort of a microscope into what drove fundamentalism in that time. As Noah mentioned it, a lot of it was about fear. These days you get a lot of the Joel Osteen, happy, clappy, Jesus would never send anybody to hell or judge gay people or that kind of thing.

This sort of Christianity light. But this speaks to what happens if you read the freaking Bible literally and preach it literally which was so common during the Satanic panic and 1980 was right there when Michelle Remembers came out a lot of the Satanic type stuff. Everything is the end times Everything's a sign so to be able to go back and look at this stuff It really does sort of peel back the layers and expose it for what it is And I think that's a lot of fun sometimes so thanks for letting me play along It's it's it's less layers and expose it for what it is. And I think that's a lot of fun sometimes. So thanks for letting me play along.

It's more fun when you're not living through the satanic panic 2.0. And thank you for telling us about the car. Is that the name of it? 1977? Oh yeah. Oh, it's it. I can't remember if it was a made for TV film or if it was an actual theater release. It is so 70s. Sounds perfect. It is so 70s. But the car itself is awesome. It is awesome.

And I think the whole film is on YouTube. But if you want to see just the crème de la crème of the movie, the scene that defines it type in 1977, the car cemetery scene, and you will see the power of God preventing a Lincoln Continental from driving over our heroes. That might technically mean yes right that we could do that one. All right. Oh you should do the car. Heath was sold at the car. If you do the car you send me that link. I'm googling right now it auto completed to cemetery scene cum gutters but like I'll see what happens. That's just because we're on the same computer. The algorithm is wrong.

Depending on what websites Eli does and doesn't make we'll try to get you back out if we ever do the car. There's a very intense wrestling match happening over my mouse right now. And a quick reminder that if you'd like to hear more from Seth's silky soft voice be sure to check the show notes for a link to the Thinking Atheist and True Stories with Seth Andrews if you want that voice in more bite-sized chunks. Seth, thank you so much. And of course, that's going to do it for our review of The Second Coming, but that's not

going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to come again. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. In a film that explores a model for health that works in symbiosis with nature to promote wellness and healing. Oh, god damn it. Free of a corrupt and flawed medical paradigm. We'll be watching Terrain. That's like RFK Jr. assigning us these ones now.

Okay. So with that, we look forward to reviewing episode 501 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Seth for suffering alongside us this week and perhaps even a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to have yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com. God awful and thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show on all

your various social media platforms. If you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating, the citation a, the DND, the mountainous and the scavenger hunt available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, cinematic suggestions, you can email God awful moves to gmail.com. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slatkin and people with drafts from Mars.

All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Kirk, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check of life this week for Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. I'm No Illusions. Promise to work hard to earn another check next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a Breakfast Club close. Jesus went out to get a pack of cigarettes, still waiting.

Commander Helmet continued to be way worse at catching Christians at night than he was during the day. Ron Ormond went on to be sorely missed. So And I don't know if you've seen the highlighted intro that I've got here for you. I hope there's nothing in there that you object to. None of your books that you've disowned or anything. Okay. I don't care. It makes no difference.

I've got a couple that I've been like, don't read that. I don't read. Yeah, okay The only thing is is when somebody introduces me as the thinking atheist and I was like Jesus Christ I'm the guy that took 30 years to figure out donkeys can't speak Hebrew Thinking it is just you know, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Here we go But of course they catch him and the mole people slit his throat with a slowly lowering torture bag. Did you mean brown or gray? One more time, Eli.

You got this. You have a mild stroke because somebody needs to call somebody. Do you want to swallow your eight pieces of gum and do it one more time? Never! Getting this world record, dammit. Mitch, Mitch! Mitch! I hit the button, give me one! Mitch!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Did you say you've gone red? How dare you? That was great.

We say gone red sometimes, Seth. We say gone red. It's bad enough that you guys leave me hanging, but now you gaslight me in front of Seth? This is a weird lie. Alright. All you need to know there, Seth, is it's an inside joke, but it was a good one. It was a fun one. Keith nailed it.

They're not just sedimentary layers. It's... No, you know what? I was going to say something crude. And I thought I don't think I can get away with it. Sorry, my fault. They're called tum gutters. I was going to do it, but I talked myself out of it. I'm sorry. Go ahead.

I'm so curious now. What's that like to not say a thing once in your whole life ever? This content is canned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4255 or on their website at creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2025, all rights reserved.