God Awful Movies - 504: Night Cries

Episode Date: April 29, 2025

This week, Katie and Allen from Werewolf Ambulance join us for a movie that asks the important questions, like "can the soul of a miscarried fetus trapped in a doll defeat a Canadian improv artist's gang of hat-themed henchmen before they're overrun by afterlife forest demons?" --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/ Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

I just had a realization and let me let me throw this at y'all. Are Night Cries just another name for Nocturnal Emission? Certainly more relevant to the movie than anything else. Honestly, I spent so much time trying to figure out how the fuck that name fit to this movie that's the best that's better than anything I came up with so I'm gonna give it to you sir my peepee does nightcrawl God awful movie Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie!

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Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Keith is off this week, but sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnik. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Fantastic, Noah. Trans Lives Matter, and this is our 504th Bat-Shit Insane movie. Yup, that too. And we're also excited to welcome back returning guest masochist, Alan and Katie from the Werewolf Ambulance podcast.

Katie, Alan, welcome back. Hi, guys. Hello. Thanks for having us. Now, you have been on the show before but I've never been on with you. This is our first movie together. It's true. It sure is. Very excited. We thought you were purposefully avoiding us but okay. Right. Well it's funny because like we were in a situation where one of us had to take the week off this week or not had to but could and

Heath and Eli were like well Noah do you want the week off? You know, and I'm just like, no, man, Katie and Alan are going to think I fucking hate him. I think your Facebook history searching for his name. I think Alan described it as third times a choice. All right. So tell us, Katie, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Nightcries. It's the story of being dead, but still having to cosplay as a barbarian princess for your husband's weird kinks.

YUP! Sure is! You say have to instead of getting to, Katie, and I feel the judgment already. I don't want to start the podcast on it. I don't mean to kink shame. One of these people is in heaven, one of these people is in hell. They're in the same place. And they're both horny. And they're both so horny.

And Alan, how bad was this movie? It was surprising Christian boobs bad, which is good or bad. Am I bad? The journey of watching this film. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? I would like to nominate this for being the best worst ruining someone's whole fucking

weekend by showing up at their front door to talk to them about their painful miscarriage. Oh my God. Sure. I don't understand this and I don't like it. That was genuinely one of the most incongruent scenes in the history of God awful movies. Yeah. Wild. Maybe cinema.

Yes. Well, right. But that goes without saying, right? That puts us high in the running if it's the weirdest one in camp. All right. So I was going to go with best worst obstructed nudity. Right. So the star of this show is the lead character's breasts, right? And for obvious reasons, they're fabulous. They're huge. They're comically large. Right? That's the first time I saw them. But in a good way? Well, yeah. Right. I don't think there's a bad way. All tits are good tits.

Sometimes you see boobs so big that you're like, oh, your back hurts. But these ones you're just like, hey, God nailed it. First try. No, no. I don't think God nailed that. No, no. God made the guy that made those boobs. Plastic surgeon in Omaha, Nebraska.

Hermi Schwartzmeyer. Yeah, right, right. Plastic surgeon. But okay, but here's the thing though, that eventually they just they're just like hey look There's the boobs that you've been wanting to see all movie But for the first like two-thirds of this movie they keep doing like obstructed nudity with her Yes, but missing right, but maybe you'll just be like no, but I saw the nipple. I could see the nipple guys It was just at the very bottom of the screen is I think the original goal of this film

was obstructed nudity and side boob and then they watched the dailies enough times where the husband was like hon I'm really trying but I'm it's so heavy and my camera and she's like fine I'll just put my boobs in the movie we got to thank dr. Schwartzmeyer though now we got a little shout out and then titty put a little shout out. And then Titty Rebecca just isn't going to put them away anyway, so why not just get her in this scene? Yeah, right. Exactly. Yeah.

I'm here too. I nominate this movie for being the best at naming a bad guy. Oh my God. So the thing is, is that it's just been a running joke on this show since its inception, that when Eli can't think of a thing to name something, he just goes, hats. Yep.

Just keep that in mind. That has been a joke for 503 episodes and counting. Wow. So much so that when I was watching the movie, I had to pause and genuinely consider whether or not the movie was referencing me. Yeah, right, right. The timing doesn't work out, but yes. Right. Exactly. Yeah. I was like, well, okay. No, no, they came first. All right. And I am going to take the easy one. I'm going to go with best worst casting. So as you saw

when you IMDB this film, or if you watched along with us, the villain of this film is played by improv comedian and whose line is it anyway cast member, Colin Mochrie. And I know what you're thinking. Does Colin Mochrie break out of his box and show us the evil twisted side of the actor we never got to see on daytime television? No, he does not. He plays this part like a polite improviser who has been given a bad setup and is collectively, but supportively knowing that set up. I looked at his Wikipedia page to be like, did he get into some tax problems and had to do this? Is he married to Boobs lady? Is he married to Boobs Lady? Is he a shithead? He seems like a lovely man. He's the best.

He seems like he's, he is a supporter of a transgender child and he does work for, you know, LGBTQ charities. What the fuck? How did he end up in this movie? The story of Colin Mochrie winding up in this movie is so much more interesting than the story of this movie, right? So much more, yes. I need to know everything. I would watch a movie about that. I want to know what his experience was like. Yeah.

Colin, reach out to us, baby. Sure. Sure. We'll have you on. All right. Well, our best worst selection probably has the audience who hasn't watched this movie confused as fuck as to how this is all going to fit together. We've got what? We've got boobs, a miscarriage, a guy named The Hat, and Colin Mockery. So we're going to get the break brief and when we come back, we'll dive into all the boobful nonsense that is Nightcries. All right.

You guys ready to do ads? Yeah. Katie, before we start. What's up? Look, we don't want to make Alan feel bad, but have you ever seen the Tentacle Man? You mean the thing where Alan stands on your lawn screaming, I am the Tentacle Man at like two o'clock in the morning? Yes, exactly. Very much that.

Yeah, big time. Okay. How do you make him stop? Uh, I don't think you can. He's very strong. Yeah, maybe we should try FitBod. What's FitBod? FitBod combines the workout planning and tracking you need to stay consistent and make progress.

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Level up your workout. Join FitBod today to get your personalized workout plan. Get 25% off your subscription or try the app free for 7 days at fitbod.me slash gam. That's F-I-T-B-O-D dot M-E slash gam. Alright guys, thanks. Oh boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Seriously, it's not even nighttime. Sometimes he likes to squeeze one out during the day. Damn it. Tentacle man! Hey Frank, Steve, Brittany. Oh, hey, what's up, Craig?

Okay, so, um, I just want to apologize for the other night. Yeah. It was my first time doing Salvia. And I don't know where I read on the internet that if you have a bad trip on Salvia, the right thing to do is to do 11 more hits. We tried to tell you that. No, you did.

You did. But of course, by that point, I had found that 10 screen mashup of TV from 2005 on YouTube and was watching five screens with each eye. And screaming. Screaming, yeah. So anyway, so I just I wanted to apologize to everyone and and that monkey but on the bright side I wrote down sort of my lived experience as a screenplay and I'd like to make it into a movie. Here, check it out.

Does Colin Mochrie have to play the villain? That is non-negotiable, yes. Got it. Yeah, we're back for the breakdown, and we're gonna open up on this silly fucking cowboy imagery with nonsense words over it that they're gonna use at the beginning and the end, and to make it seem like the movie was complex or so. I don't know

This is also where we get introduced to my second favorite set of costumes in the movie, which is the main characters duster Right. So this guy I'm guessing this guy is three and a half feet tall. Yep, and He's doing a Tom Cruise throughout most of the movie, but the way you could tell he's doing a Tom Cruise is because this duster is like my son wearing my bathrobe. He will be in a comic ball gown of cowboy duster throughout the entire film. I just wanted to mention it up here at the top. He looks like he was a full-sized cowboy when he started across the desert,

but things didn't go well, yeah. Oh, I don't know y'all. He looks pretty cool. You think? I keep waiting for him to trip over the hem. Yeah, right. I refer to him only as Duster Daddy in all of my names. Duster Daddy.

That was my high school nickname. Well, there you go. And of course this is the film's writer and director, Andrew Simek. He's the genius behind all of this. If you're thinking to yourself, wow, why didn't they cast a lead man that was remotely in the same league as the lead woman they cast? It's because it's the writer and director. Has he done any other movies that you guys have covered?

No, no, I looked at his filmography. I mean, I think we're going to do all of them eventually. Oh, okay. All right. All right. Such is our curse. Yeah. One of the reviews for this movie that I read was like, I used to work with Andrew at Canadian Tire and he's a really nice guy. 10 out of 10. Yeah. Coming a few ships for me.

Oh, that's amazing. All right. So, but yeah, so we get these nonsense words about what do you dream about? Oh, I mostly dream boring cliches anyway. And then we see this guy and he's like, we think he's an old timey guy because he's might as well be writing with a fucking feather and a fucking jar of ink, right? Guy with his quill. He's writing on my dearest Sarah. My dearest Sarah. I've been on the front of the civil war for many decades now.

Yeah. Yeah, no, he's writing a fucking Ken Burns letter in the movie. So, but we cut from that to this woman dressed as Xena running from a demon. Right. And I'm like, wow, cowboy in a sunset straight to forest demon chasing Xena is one hell of a transition. Now, when Noah says Xena, I don't want anyone to think like authentic armor. I do need you to think Lululemon leisure wear. That's very, you do need to be aware that athleisure is the costuming department of this film. The armor isn't as authentic as it was in Zena. You're right though.

And I can announce very proudly for those of you who are interested, this is a character whose tum-tum will never be covered in the entire film. Nor will her cleavage. There's a point later in this movie where she's like in a like a Jedi cloak kind of a situation, but they still haven't cracked open enough to where we can see her tum-tum and her cleavage.

I knew a turtleneck wouldn't hide that cleavage. It is spectacular. Yes, well that's true. She's serving pussycat dolls, if you all remember that abomination. Yes. Oh, very good. I'm certain that this movie was 2003 based on how low rise her pants were. When I looked it up and saw that it was 2015, I was stunned.

You could see her ass cracks, ass crack. Yes. And this is also one of those, like, so she's running from the demon and this is clearly one of those situations where it's like an actress has been asked to run and hasn't actually done that since middle school, right? They're like running across that field. She's like, fucking what? But she does gives it her best.

It's far. I had to look at this is where I first wrote in the in my notes. Her boobs are comically large. I looked her up, her previous roles include brunette, curvy brunette, and hot young girl. Oh, God. Yes. I'm just guessing. Yeah.

Yes. Was she ever in adult films or is that just a coincidence? They don't put that on IMDB, I don't think. But I will pull our podcast to a screeching halt to watch Well, so okay so she hides herself in a in a school bus She comes along an abandoned school bus and she's like, oh if I pull the door closed There's no way the demon can get through that right? Mm-hmm. So she's hiding there when suddenly the cowboy comes in and saves her with a grappling gun.

And I'm like, did I accidentally wander into God Awesome movies instead? Do I make a left, right, normally make a right? Holy shit. And it should be said that the demon is like a competent season three Buffy the vampire slayer demon. Yeah. Right. And they can tell it doesn't look that great.

So they don't linger on it. No, no, no, no. Hang it on the tree. It is, however, being shot in the daylight when I feel like demons probably shouldn't be able to chase you. But that's, I'm not going to pick. Most porn is so you can see everything. Right. It's not nighttime porn. So he rescues the girl. He's with the demon gets away to chasing him and suddenly a soldier shoots it from a distance. Like soldier with a sniper rifle you think I'm leaving shit out you're thinking well you didn't even introduce the fucking soldier but no no no this is just a movie as it fucking happened to us we never see him again never see him again no not once she had to want to do he will we will watch him go over and be like hey thanks you saved my life a bunch of times

the soldiers like and wanders out of the film, never to enter again. Well, this is where I developed my theory that everyone in this film was costumed by a 13 year old boy, right? Cause we've got Cowboys, soldier and boobs so far, right? It's it. Well, and demon costume. It's, I am still certain of that now. Yeah. No, to be fair, I feel like if you got the 13 year old boy who went with Cowboy Soldier boobs and then presented him with Colin Mockery, that child's answer would be hat. Hat.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This felt like a weird like modern day RPG. Like I'm going to be a cowboy. I'm going to be a soldier. I'm going to have my tits in the wind. Yeah. Yeah. So, but the cowboy tells her, he's like, wait here. I got to thank the soldier who will never see again. And she, her character's name is Sarah. She goes, you're not my real dad. He goes, calm the fuck down. I just saved you from a demon.

And she's like, right. No, you're right. You did. You are duster, dad. You are after all. So the soldier leaves to never be seen again. And then they wander through the woods a bit, because that's the easiest thing to make look post apocalyptic.

Yeah. And then they find an old barn, because that's the second easiest thing to make look post apocalyptic. He steps into the corner to have a whisper fight with himself. That will pay off in the craziest fucking possible way. Did not see it coming. So it looks for all the world like he's talking to his penis. 100%. If he had been talking to his penis, it would have been less weird of a reveal.

So much less disturbing. If I started talking to my penis as a fifth hope of the podcast right now, it would be less weird than the reveal of this movie. The reveal is I've been Eli's penis. I see dead penises. That's why Alan's the ambulance. Because you can cure your Lyme disease. I get it. So, but then the cowboy is like, so I'm going to go find a generator and turn the lights on and they're like, yeah, when demons are coming after you, it's probably good to be

very well lit. He looks at the light fixtures and he goes, they had lights, which means they might have power but like, or they had lights because there's an apocalypse. It was an apocalypse. Right. Yeah. Everybody had lights. But he goes to the basement of the barn to look for something. And they've got this weird moment where like they're trying to make the barn seem creepy, but it's broad daylight and there's no music. So it's just

a guy very slowly walking through a bar. Yep. Mm hmm. So that goes on for a while. And then like a demon voice comes up and goes, you don't belong here. And then he gets knocked down by a sudden close up. Yeah. Sucker punched by a dementor. The Eli Bosnick story. Yes. I refer to it as a pushy shadow. Yeah. Yeah. A pushy shadow. Pretty close to what they refer to it to.

Yeah. That would have been a less stupid name to give it. Yeah. But the good news is that when he comes to, he's found the generator and it's all fueled up. So he lights things up. But as soon as he does, he hears Sarah screaming upstairs. She screams and just stands there. No movement.

Just a standing scream. Yeah. So she's found a couple of dead bodies, because they had some pretty cool dead bodies, and they were going to get some use out of those dead bodies. Mm-hmm. And he's like, they're not going to hurt you, they're dead. And she's like, yeah, man, but like, still spooky to walk into a room and find.

Yeah, right, right. It's a whole family of dead people and their dead cat. Who fucking took out the cat? But he's also like, do you want me to move them? And she goes, yeah, Duster Daddy, will you move them for me? She looks at him tenderly, which I find repulsive. Yeah, yeah, no, it had real, the dog's already on my lap and I need a refill in my water, fine. Yeah.

We haven't mentioned this yet, but she also has tattoos all over her arms and chest that look like she just fell onto a webpage of flash art and then stood up. But then I realized later that they're all like H's and A's and possibly T's. I don't know. So yeah, those tattoos are going to pay off in the best possible way. So the cowboy goes outside to bury the skeletons. There's another skeleton crucified outside and he has this weird conversation with the crucified skeleton that like it desperately is saying, no, there's more to this movie. Just below the surface.

You just, you know, you just don't get it. It's actually quite complex. I went into a Heathen right fugue state here. So you know how sometimes Heath will be bored in a movie and so he'll create an insane plot point and then fix on it for the rest of the movie. And you have to be like, no, man, the cat couldn't talk. That was a character for another room. OK, this was my Heathen right moment, which is that I thought he didn't find a body outside. He had like done that with one of the corpses.

I thought that too Eli! I thought that too! So I spent the rest of the movie being like, yeah but why did he use that body as a scarecrow? That's such a weird choice to take a dead body. Wait, if he didn't, who did? That's you. That's the thing is that he comes out and he's like, you're going to be like the scarecrow dead body though. I'm going to bury everybody else, but you're going to scare off the demons because they'll

think, man, those motherfuckers are crazy. They crucify and bitches in there. I guess, right? The monsters will think that? I guess. I don't know. Why else would he not bury the crucified one? The implications that statement has about the monsters are self preserving is baffling. This tenuous sweater of a movie cannot be tugged at in any direction.

No, you're right. That is fair. Speaking of tenuous sweaters, so he goes back inside. Thank you for that setup. And Sarah has now changed into her night panties and her night sweater. Right? She's got this flash dance. Yeah. Right. Flash dance where it's, it's just off both shoulders being held on entirely by her boobs. Not how shirts work. No. No. Podcast listener. I mean, you should watch this movie because it's fun to jerk

off to, A, but B, it will be impossible to, it is impossible for us to communicate to you how a hard breeze is going to take this woman's mid-drift sweater off for the rest of the film. Yes. Yeah. Well, she'll be back in the Xena of the film? Yes, yeah. Well, she'll be back in the Xena outfit pretty soon too. But yeah. I just had a realization and let me throw this at y'all. Are Night Cries just another name for nocturnal emission?

Ooh! Certainly more relevant to the movie than anything else, Night Cries could possibly be. Honestly, I spent so much time trying to figure out how the fuck that name fit to this movie. That's better than anything I came up with. So I'm going to give it to you, sir. My peepee does not cry. So at this point, like, so he'd made some comment about, you know, you're going to need

my help while you recover your memories or something earlier. So he comes in and she goes, how did you know my memories were like I had lost my memories? He goes, we're not at the part of the movie where I reveal how I know that. Yeah. Hey, gang. Hey, gang. Why aren't we at the part of the movie where he don't know? Really because it could just be that you could just reveal it and then we would all know and we could move on

with the stupid fucking movie. Of what benefit is his secrecy in this film? I don't know. He's playing this like a very aloof, mysterious cowboy. But then when we get to know him, he's just kind of like a sniffling idiot. It doesn't seem like he's got a ton of self control. I think it's that he can't act and his true self bleeds through eventually. He's working on negging right now.

He's been watching a lot of Andrew Tate. Oh, okay. There we go. Since 2015, sure. So, but then she suddenly starts to remember, do not go quietly into that good night. Yeah. Because again, this movie is just desperately trying to be like, no, I am intellectual, damn it.

That's Dylan Thomas, I know that, I knew that. But it's the wrong part of the poem. Yes it is. So it's just like, over fallen fields and foxes of yore, a Scottish man, a stand no more. And he's like, what? And she's like, it's, and foxes of your a Scottish man, Miss Sandman. And he's like, what?

And she's like, it's Dylan Thomas mostly wrote about his country. So he actually wrote very little about his dad. But she remembers now that she was a teacher and her name was Sarah. Doesn't fucking matter. And it's a big reveal, we don't care. Yeah, right, no, he's right. It was like, well, we actually already knew that

because we have the subtitles on and it just says Sarah in front of your eyes. This movie is like watching a group play their 200th D&D session. Oh my god. So many fucking ways. Because like, well, okay, we're going to get to this goddamn reveal right here. So she falls asleep. Sarah falls asleep. And then there's a voice in Joseph, the cowboy's name is Joseph,

there's a voice in Joseph's saddlebag. And it's like, finally, she's asleep. I thought she was gonna drone on forever. And for all the world, I thought it was the saddlebag. Come on, talking, swearing, saddlebag, sidekick, favorite movie. Right, well, it's not like the reveal was worse because then she hears him talking and she comes in and she's like, what the hell is going on here?

And it turns out that he has a talking doll in his saddlebags. Yup. I could not have laughed harder. The doll talks like that episode of The X-Files where Scully's boyfriend has the talking tattoo. Right. Well, yeah, especially because when she sees the doll, the doll turns to her and goes, It looks like that episode of The X-Files where Scully's boyfriend has the talking tattoo. Right. Well, yeah, especially because when she sees the doll, the doll turns to her and goes, oh, fuck are you looking at?

Yeah. She's a pot of foul-mouthed doll, which I love. I'm here for this. This dude fucked that doll, right? Yeah. Without a doubt. Absolutely fucked that doll. 100%.

They have a very sexual relationship. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, she doesn't normally stay in the saddlebags, if you know what I mean. So. Wow. Right, but Sarah freaks out, right? And they're like, hey, whatever you do,

don't scream really loud, alert the monsters, and then run out into the darkness. So she screams really loud, alerts the monsters, and runs out into the darkness, right? She gets eight fucking feet out the door, and some post-apocalypse guy shows up with shit covered all over his face and it costs her. It's so funny. It's too soon, right? It's badly shot. So one of the things that's interesting

about this movie is like the CGI is good. The budgeting is weirdly good. There are moments where the stunts are good, but it was shot by someone who just never took a film class. So again, she makes it two steps out of the barn before the mutant grabs her, which means she had to look at the mutant and then turn around so he could sneak up behind her. But as he's a costa, Joseph shows up, the cowboy shows up and he's like, I'll kill you if you don't let her go. And he doesn't let her go. So he kills him. Right. That woman means a lot to me, but I shall not tell her why. Yeah, not yet. It's still act one and we don't have much. Right?

And we see that he has the same tattoos that she has. Oh, right. Yes. That's it. Yeah. We do see that at this point. He's got the same weird H's and A's around his shoulder blades too. And so he shoots the guy and he's like, come back in to the barn and she goes, how can I trust you? And I'm like, well, he saved you from a fucking demon and he saved you from a guy with shit all over his face. He's killed three different times for you.

He didn't take advantage of you when you were asleep. And from like, he has the same tattoos as you. Like there's a lot going in the trust him column at this point, right? Yeah, he didn't even listen to the doll when the doll talked shit about you. I don't really know why you're suspicious at this point. It's true.

So they go back in the bar, the doll's pissed, right? So to get her to trust him, he gives her the gun. He's like, here, now you have the gun. You can trust me. And so immediately she like holds the gun on him and she's like, tell me the fucking premise. Yes, this one I wrote in my notes, you tell me what's happening in this movie or I'll shoot.

Yeah, and also the doll is pissed because Sarah has been eating her food because the doll needs sustenance. The doll eats tuna fish? What is going on in this fucking movie? She also tells her to drop that whole bitch attitude. She does. Yeah, right. Right.

So the movie clearly wanted a spinoff with the dolls story and I did too. Yeah, definitely. Sure. Caitlin rules. Yeah. Caitlin is the doll. Yes. Thank you.

We got to establish that. She'll be a big part of the movie going forward. So. Except for the hour where she is, right? Right. Which is the worst hour of the film. So Sarah says, like, who am I to you? And he goes, everything. You're everything to me. And then we're like, I think she means just specific relationship or whatever.

She says at this point, I've never met you. And I'm like, you know, you don't have memories. Right. We've established that you know this. But she remembers suddenly that he is her husband and he's braved death to find her. Also, I want to be very clear that she has now been attacked by several people in a post-apocalyptic wasteland and there's a talking doll and she's like, but why do you like me? Like, that's not the important fucking question right now. Like not what the hell is that thing? It's mostly the boobs. I mean, I was going to go out.

But he's also like, you remember house? You remember house we live in? You remember beautiful gray kitty? Oh my God, the cat was so, ah, it's a Russian blue. They're so affectionate. Those cats. He goes, he goes, do you remember our house? And we see a little flashback she goes yes, and he goes do you remember the rain and she's like Do you mean the concept? Yeah? Earlier in this world to you dumbass when in the bus. Yeah, it was raining. Yes. I remember you remember bikes Yeah, right. Do you remember up like what the fuck are you talking about? And all of the flashback imagery looks just like it's a cologne ad basically

Yes, it is right all of the her in the snow with a low fucking dress and shit. Yes So yeah, so but she runs into his arms and I'm like, oh, okay, well this movie's over now. She remembers dying of cancer and I wrote, well, not a Christian movie until somebody dies of cancer, is it? Yeah. She goes, where are we? And I wrote the stupidest imaginable fucking place.

But then we get like a set, it's a new scene, but it's just a continuation of the last conversation because the person didn't know anything at all about filmmaking. Right. But she wants to know more about her backstory. So he tells her about her cancer. But only lightly because this movie keeps asking questions and then not answering them. Like she's talking about Margaret and I think, well, who is Margaret? No, we won't find out.

Right. No, certainly there'll be some reason why the movie just grinds to a fucking halt for her to talk about her friend Margaret, right? No. This is a, so they're talking and then they have a flashback to her deathbed, right? Yes. Yeah, so they're in the deathbed and she asks about Margaret, don't worry, that'll never matter and then she like looks at him and she's like, you have to save me from the monster dimension.

And he's like, um, can we get a little more morphine in here? I feel like she's not getting enough morphine. If there's a monster. So yeah, at this point I thought she had nightmare cancer. Yeah. Which I then decided is a very good band name. That is a band name. Fuck yes.

Fuck yes. Fuck podcasting. Let's start a band. I was going to say if podcasting. Let's start a band. If I was going to say if podcasting doesn't work out, we are Nightmare Cancer. One, two, three, four. So, okay, so it's all right. All right.

Okay, what's the problem? Katie and I play the puzzle. Yeah. Dare you. In public. Not in front of the listenership. You keep that secret shame off the podcast. That's us.

Not my humanity. So, okay, so but then he's like, and then you die. And then you're like, I'm going to die. And then you're like, I'm going to die. And then you're like, I'm going to die. And then you're like, I'm going to die. And then you're like, I'm going to die. And then you're like, I'm going to die. And then you're like, I'm going to die. And then you're like, I'm going to die. Not in front of the licenship. You keep that secret shame off the podcast. That's us. Not my humanity. So, okay, so, but then he's like, and then you died the next morning right after that flashback and she goes, oh, okay, what's your backstory?

He goes, I'm going to keep it vague, act one. And she goes, okay, what's the tattoos backstory? And he goes, they bind us together. And she's like, oh, okay, no follow ups. I'm just, we're okay. You answered that. Cool. Are they going to be revealed to be the creepiest part of this fucking movie and I'm including Colin mockery raping someone

They are they are gonna be the creepiest part of the movie But this whole conversation also appears to be set up as post coital Like like she's laying in here his arms with her flash dance sweatshirt back off. Yeah Yeah, it's it oh, this movie rules. Yeah. So then he wakes up and it's, there's like a rainstorm going, he's having like all of these cologne ad flashbacks. Right? He sees her in the hospital.

He sees her in the snow. He sees her dripping wet for some reason. Yeah. Fuck yeah. I mean, I know the reason, let's be honest. 13 year old boys back. Yeah, right. So, but then we caught to him like in an oxygen mask, waking up in a chair in a very, this Assassin's Creed game is going to make me do something outside the animus

kind of a moment. Right? Yes. I called it Assassin's Nicene Creed, which was a bad joke and I hated myself for it. Well done. This is where I started drinking also. Yeah. Yeah. It's a good time to for it. Well, this is where I started drinking also. Yeah. Yeah. It's a good time to do it.

It's a good time. I've been smoking for a while by now. But yeah, so apparently he's coming out of, he's coming back to life flatliner style. He's been flatlining his way into the afterlife to find his wife. Just once when someone's doing a flatliners in a movie, I want someone in the movie to go, oh, so you're doing a flatliner? This is a Glenn Danzigian stealing from another movie steal.

Yeah. But so so he comes back to and there's a priest there named Ray that is his like handler that watches his body while he's flatlinering. Right. It's hard to say. Yeah, right? I think I nailed it. I'll go back and... You did. Okay. I won't know until the edit for sure, but I'll trust you. But Ray is like a Catholic priest that's helping this guy die, which is probably the least creepy thing a Catholic priest does with his day. Let's face it.

But he tells him, he's like, I found my wife and he goes, Oh, well then. What the fuck is the rest of the movie about then? What are you trying to do with your wife? We'll just figure out why you don't have a moral hangup about doing this. Priest. It's fine. What was there in... I have so many questions about their initial conversation. Like, yeah, I know we're starting this story in media res when he's already been doing this for a while, but like, I am desperate for the prequels of this movie where he's like,

hey, father, you got a second? Actually, can we speak in your own face? How are your Saturdays? Yeah, great. Alright, well as dumb as it is, we finally have a plot, so we're gonna give ourselves another break, but we'll be back in a flash with even more... Night Cries. Johnson, Hickabee, Smith, in my office this instant! What's up, Mr. Paperman? I'll tell you what's the matter. It's these mothers that driving us out of business. Oh so sir. They can't get enough of

these photigraphs. Photographs of grandbabies, photographs of dogs and cats, even sunsets. There's enough paper for the rest of the world. Well sir, why don't you just tell them about Aura Frames? What are Aura Frames? Aura Frames was named the best digital frame by Wirecutter, and it's easy to see why. There's unlimited storage so you can add as many photos, videos, and funny memes as you can find, and it's so simple to set up. Just plug it in and share away. And not a speck of paper on them! But can't they afford it? They sure can! Aura has a great deal for Mother's Day. For a limited time, listeners can save on a perfect gift by visiting AuraFrames.com

to get $35 off, plus free shipping on their best-selling carver, Matt Frame. That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com. Promo code awful. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply. We're saved! I'm confused. Is the guy who owns the paper company called Mr. Paperman?

Yes. Convenient. It's a family name. Sure. Hmm. Sure. Joseph, you're back! I found her, Ray. I found my wife. My god. What was it like?

Well, it turns out that when you die you go to this sort of post-apocalyptic wasteland filled with monsters and demons and stuff. Oh. Well, what about Jesus? Did you see Jesus? Nope. No, no Jesus. Oh, but all the kids who were never born are talking dolls.

They're actually very helpful. Dolls, you say? You, um, You okay, Rey? Yeah, no, I'm fine. It's just... You know, priest. Oh, yeah, right. Monster dimension. I mean, they could be aliens.

Yeah, that's not... That's not really better, though. Sure, I understand. I understand. I'm gonna go for a walk for a though. Sure, I understand. I understand. I'm going to go for a walk for a bit. Sure man, whatever you need. Take it. Yeah.

I didn't fuck anybody and it's monsters? Yup, it's monsters. Fuck! And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Father Ray bringing Joseph a plate of pears because this movie doesn't know what normal food is. Keep your strength up. Here's 17 cherry pits and the rind of a cheese.

There's a great moment here where they do like Star Trek techno babble boat with spiritual tattoo shit, right? Cause they're like, why would you only just now find her? And he's like, the attack on emissions were interfering with the quantum coupling. Cause where are you on this map we have of the afterlife? Oh my God. Okay. We could have done a show on this fucking map. This is the laziest prop

I have ever seen because only one thing is marked on the entire map. Hat. And it just... Hat, hat, hat, hat, hat, hat, hat, hat, hat, hat. I wish it was called a map of the hat for life. What? Yeah. God, it's so stupid. Why the hat of all things?

And also, like, if there's a section of the map that's controlled by the hat, you would just write the hat once and mark the whole section. You wouldn't write a hat over it. You don't write United States, United States, United States all over the part of the map. I guess yeah, Gulf of America would beg to differ. I mean, there is a character in this movie named after the nickname for the New York Times. No, you're right.

You're right. Yeah. I feel like they have to have trademarked that. So yeah, we didn't even mention that. Yeah. He warned Ray about the gray lady. Well, that's, I guess that's what this is where he does it. Right?

Like, they're like looking around on the map and he's like, but there's something I have to warn you about. I saw the gray lady again. And the gray lady will be back. She hasn't walked out of the movie quite like the soldier has, but she will never be explained. So, or matter.

Yeah. So you should think of her like the federal reserve. It's complex. There are people who probably know about it, but we'll just let you know when it interferes with your lived experience podcast listener. Yeah, we are told that this is a problem because she has shown up four out of the last five times he's gone under and this time she's touched him. So there's some, I think it's

meant to be like, okay, well you've got to get this all done before things get worse. But like get what? Yeah, you've got to get this all done before things get worse. But like, get what done? Yeah, you're on the Grey Ladies timetable. Yeah, but what? What is he doing? But that's the other thing. Right. Yes, exactly. They've never established what is, is that he hopes to do, right? He's like, you know, I think I can get Sarah over to this area past the hat. And we're like, but to what end? Yeah, why can't you just stay where she is?

Right. What? What would be the right? Let's just fix up the barn or end? Yeah. Why can't you just stay where she is? Right? What? Dead. Right. Let's just fix up the barn or something. Yeah. He can't figure it out that he's got to go and write more Civil War letters to his dead wife. Well, clearly, yeah.

Yeah. So, but they try to explain all of that. Ray sits down to write some more old timey fucking letters or whatever. And then we get this stupid ass scene where Joseph and Ray are doing boxing practice. Okay, here's the thing. This boxing practice has a very important implication for the movie. It implies that he did not go into the afterlife the first time, knowing how to fight and shooty shoot and do action movie stuff, which means again in the prequel, which we desperately need, he went to the afterlife

for the first time, got ripped in half by a monster and was like, hey, we gotta learn some fucking fighting out here. Um, yeah, no, I know, yeah, zero hearts. He was definitely assaulted by the hat last time. Yeah, right, yeah. Cause otherwise, why would you be afraid of something called hat?

Why would you fear it? I got fucked by Colin Mochrie. I don't know how to tell you this in a gentler way father But I need to learn kickboxing because I got fucked Let's think of it as confession, but I'm gonna need all the details of what happened You could draw pictures in your dear Sarah notebook so I can see what it looks like. Did he do rhymes? Did he make it rhyme? so Dear Sarah notebooks like see what it looks like. Did he do rhymes? Did he make it rhyme? So Here's it. Okay. So here's the thing that I wanted to point out about this scene that I love so fucking much So they're doing the thing like Joseph is punching and Ray's got the boxing mitts, right?

So he's taking the punches and shit and at one point as they're having the conversation they're doing stupid fucking exposition We're not bothering with it because who gives a shit But at one point Ray is surprised by what he says and so he stops the boxing practice by suddenly pulling the mitts away. That's not how you stop a boxing practice man. That's how you get punched in the fucking head. I just love that moment so much. If he just wanted to get knocked out. Yeah. Just put me out for a while. Yeah, right. Yeah. Okay. But then we cut to Joseph. He's about to go dark right there. Oh, no, sorry

He's getting ready to do his death thing But while he's doing that he's gonna have a flashback to when he got the temporary death potion from miss Cleo Yeah, this is a flashback. Yeah, ladies real She's a real person in the world and not part of the afterlife world. Yes Yeah So you guys are all on some heathen rights shipped right now Strong like i'm the voodoo lady from the parts of the caribbean

Monkey island in my notes pirates of the caribbean and jar-jar binks ain't got nothing on this woman's voice I had her accent as midway between Caribbean and leprechaun. But no, so what we're seeing here is this is his quest to master death, right? It ended in this lady finding him and giving him the tea that would make him die temporarily, which is what he uses. Whoa. Yeah. It's that bag of weed that he keeps slipping into. Okay. Okay.

Cause we see his friends steal the weed later and I'm like what a shit fucking friend. Okay. Got it. Tell me, tell me if I'm missing. Wait, I'm sorry. I want to know Katie's, so Katie's experience. Wait, you just thought is he, is he swiping a bong hits worth of that guy's weed while he's doing it? Yes. I it, Katie. Times are tough. We're both parents. You gotta take your weed where you can get it. Yeah, exactly. That mommy time isn't gonna pay for itself.

Yeah, no, it sure isn't. So, but also, so he, during the flashback, he tries the tea for the first time and he sees Sarah, like, in the mist across the room, but he sees her boob first. Yes, that is my note too. It is quite literally the way she comes into focus. Yeah, the way we all remember his wife.

Yes, that titties. She's like, there's only one way out of this and it just goes to like a Vaseline tit. Yeah, right. Her fucking ghost is going, my eyes are up here, dude. Before he sees his wife though, he is death peeping on a child who's passing away. Yeah, who is that baby? Okay, so here's the thing, right? And this is what I was just about to clarify. I think in his quest to find death, he's doing like a Doctors Without Borders thing.

Yes. And Voodoo Lady calls him out on that. He's like, yeah, no, I'm just a doctor here without borders here to help. And she's like, you can't lie to me child you want special pocket weed that lets you die and find your wife and call it mockery's afterlife. I would like to say that Eli's accent does not represent all of our accents. But it represents hers. It represents the actor who plays the character's accent. Yeah that was dead ass on I mean you know. Thank you. I didn't choose Sebastian the crab. That was dead ass on. I mean, you know. Thank you. I didn't choose Sebastian the crab.

Sebastian the crab chose me. Yes. So, but yeah, but now the movie thinks, okay, so we've explained how he is able to die and undie. I'm like, have we really explained it? It's like, yes, he did a doctor's job, and he was watching kids in the eye as they died, and the Caribbean lady saw him and gave him

death weed. That's how it happened. This actually is starting to make sense to me. I feel good. This is actually the best food I've ever seen. This actually has a lot of death. Stephanie, do you remember how you dressed like a voodoo priestess for Halloween? Okay, so there's a white guy and he's just look he's like having a staring contest with the kids as they die. So I was wondering if you would give him some cinnamon

So we back out of the we back out of the flashback right he's about to go in again and they're gonna do the Avatar clunky look into the camera and talk about what I'm doing exposition, right? So he goes I'm about to go in again. It's time for another installment or whatever of project per chance to dream. This movie really does want you to know it went to college. Yes. Yeah. Right. I love that they let non artists make art. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. You should have stayed at Canadian Tire. He got fired for staring at women's chests.

Yeah, right. Right. Exactly. That's why they come in and focus in the movie though. So yeah, so, but he masks up. He's going going to like apparently he has to wear an oxygen mask as he dies for some fucking reason. As you do. Yeah, exactly. And then Ray stands off to the side and does last rites and I'm like see, Gam Kred, Christian movie, he's doing a prayer thing. And we're told that this is like the 48th time he's gotten last rites, which starts

to feel like maybe it doesn't matter anymore, you know? Or can it carry over week to week? Right. You know it's not last. If you end up in the Monsterverse run by Colin Mochery when you have zero sins in you, I don't even want to know where you end up. Seriously. What's going to happen to us? Granted, he is just ending. He's like ending up in an unused episode of Supernatural. Right. Yeah. So speaking of it. So yeah, he wakes back up in the unused episode of Supernatural.

There's this, the first of my best words, right? There's the slug horny shot where she's in the shower at the barn and has a shower. The post-apocalypse barn just happened to have a fucking big bucket of potable water and rather than save that for the post-apocalyptic wasteland she's showering with it. Sure. And they do the like side boob moment but you can see the nipple. She's like just because it's probably cold or whatever. The frame literally dips. We watch him not be able to hold the camera above her nipple line and be like, shit, I

bet I got him. Steve, Steve, keep it. God damn it, Steve, keep the camera up. Sorry, I've got the flu. So now your boobs are on Tubi. Yes. Tubi. Boobie, boobie, baby.

Tubi boobies, yeah, nice. So much more than I expected. Oh my God, and that's not even the end of it. Yeah, no, right. We're just getting the boobs started. So happy for all of us. So that's it. We're going to wrap it up.

We're going to wrap it up. We're going to wrap it up. We're going to wrap it up. We're going to wrap it up. We're going to wrap it up. We're going to wrap it up. Tooby baby. Tooby boobies. Yeah, nice. So much more than I expected. Oh my God. And that's not even the end of it. Yeah, no, right. We're just getting the boobs started. So happy for all of us. So that scene exists for its own sake. That's just boobs for boobs sake.

And then she's back in the zine outfit. They go off for adventures. We see Ray, the priest, stealing a bong head's worth of the death tea while he's under, right? So he can have it analyzed. But why does he do that? Oh, he's having it analyzed. Okay have it analyzed. But why does he do that? Oh, he's having it analyzed. Okay. Sorry. I missed a lot. Yeah. No, I five. So I 503 movies that you start to like get to where you can decode these pretty easily. Okay. So then okay, then we

have this weird fucking scene where the doll is saying it's tearful goodbye to Joseph. I had forgotten about the doll and then when the doll came back I was thrilled but only to say goodbye without being explained. Like did they just run out of puppet budget? I will clearly right because it's so one thing we should explain about the doll is that the doll talking looks really good like the CGI for it is very good. You could imagine this in a you know AAA film but they don't have doll walking budget. So the dolls always standing still. Sure. That's like their towel. But yeah. So, but the doll is like, you know, it's time for

me to go off on my own and have my own adventures. I can't ride in your saddlebags anymore. If you know what I mean, you can't fuck me anymore. Yeah. Well, right, right. Yeah. Your wife's here. It's awkward. And then so they start walking away and we're all writing in our notes is as like as much exposition as this movie has fucking had. Why won't it tell us what the fuck is up with this doll? And then Sarah says it.

She's like, Hey, what the fuck up is up with the talking doll? And he just goes, she was a friend. She says, I never got the chance to ask you about her. How is it not top of mind? How do you ask Andy? Oh yeah. And the tattoos. What about the tattoo? What about the talking fucking doll? Yes. Thank you. This movie presupposes that Sarah, a former teacher, is the dimmest bulb you've ever met in your life. Yeah, it's a bummer. But before she leaves, Caitlin asks,

Caitlin the doll asks him to go find her parents, which was startling because nobody fucked to have that doll, I'm certain of it. So many implications. Yeah, it's gonna, the payoff on that is the greatest thing that ever fucking happens in a film. Oh my God. That's what, like that elevates this food this film It's an 824 film. Yeah, right. Yeah, absolutely

It's fucking fine art at that way Okay, so then we cut to it so they walk off without the doll and they come across a bunch of skulls in the forest That's how we know shits getting real right? That's how they will that they're in yeah the hats territory Okay, but there's this this moment that I want to talk they will that they're in the hats territory. Okay. But there's this, this moment that I want to talk about because when they come across the skulls, they're sort of in a pathway formation, you know, kind of like a better homes and gardens. And also they're the same fucking dead people we saw in the barn earlier, right?

They're the exact same rotted corpses. Listen, you either get good talking CGI or you get a bunch of skulls. Yeah, right. Exactly. It's two things that we've got. So, and we haven't talked about this because we've got this all, we've all peppered this to our notes, like they're dead. Right? So are you afraid to die when you're dead? Where do dead, dead people go? Where the dead, dead people go? That is a great question. Right. Do they go back to being alive light like but the movie like any remotely competent script establishes this shit

Do they go on a space adventure with Ryan Stiles? There are so many questions. Yeah, Greg proof show up You need to die seven and a half Before you're on a pirate adventure with Drew Carey. Yeah. But also is, is, is, are heaven and hell copyrighted that we had to go into this weird shit limbo? Yeah, right. They couldn't get their rights to hell. Devil shows up mid production. Hey guys, my lawyer's here and you can't use any of this shit.

And I'm Jewish, so this is going to be a real problem. I'm normally pretty cool, but this is a big problem. So, OK, but they're in the hat territory, which means, by the way, he can't use his gun. Because if he uses his gun in hat territory, the bad guys will hear him and take him to the hat. I know, I know. It will never not be funny. It will never not be funny. Come at the shoe.

Yeah. There's no single person on this set who had a line with the term the hat in it, who didn't turn to camera after their first take and go, are we sure? Every one of them a little higher pitch than the last one. Yeah. So, but then, so they're in the hat territory. They come across some bad guys, bad guy and some good guys. Right.

Yeah. Beating up a family. Yeah. Right. A helpless family. And Joseph's like, ah, you know, we've got, cause there's going to be traffic if we get there any later, we really don't want to fuck around with all this. This isn't our problem.

Right. But she gives't our problem. Right. But she gives him that look, right? Oh yeah. And so he'll hero after all. Yeah, I wrote in my note, she gives him that look like I just told Anna we don't have time to go to Target. So he goes to Target, yeah. He goes, and this is like, the fact that this is the writer and director makes this

scene so much fucking fun. You're great. Because now he's going to do the Batman thing, right? He shows up and he's doing the whole like I'm badass and looking down so all you can see is my hat. You know, he's like, stop messing with those good guys. And then they're like, what are you going to do about it? And he disappears. Yeah. Right. He just wanders up. And first of all, they're just in a forest. You would see where he disappears. Yeah. Right. He just wanders off. And first of all, they're just in a forest. You would see where he went. Right.

Like they're not locked down like the camera is. They would just watch him walk off to the right. But also like if he like does that and then walks off, they're like, well, we're just going to go back to bad guying this family again. Why would we give a shit about you? You just walked off. Yeah, you're right. But they don't.

They go out and they look for him and now he's hiding in the woods and he gets the Drop on him and and he kills him. He's got a like a harpoon gun. So he's allowed to shoot that it doesn't make noise Yeah, and at one point he kills one of the bad guys but not before he can do up He's right behind me isn't he? In the middle all this the little girl from the family that was getting badguide she looks up at him and she goes all creepy she goes he's coming for you and it's like that makes no fucking sense in this. Why would you know that I also took the voodoo team.

Yeah. I mean she's dead right. These are all ghosts. These are all real people. I don't know. My dad was taking a hard right into oncoming traffic less. And now we're here this morning. Now we have to get beat up by the men of the hat. Yep. Yeah.

So but the good guy dispatches the bad guys in the most boring possible. Because it's both of them. It's just like, oh, I'm behind you now. So I shoot you. And then a third bad guy gets to drop on him. But Sarah shoots him, shoots the third bad guy. Right. Sure. But she used a regular gun. him, but Sarah shoots him, shoots the third bad guy, right? Sure. But she used a regular gun, it made noise, she's alerted the Hats people. So now the Hats people show up to get him.

And it's one of those great moments, and this happens in regular movies too, but I love it so much. We're like, there are bad guys and the good guy defeats them, but then they need to be captured in the next scene. So an equivalent amount of bad guys show up again guy defeats them, but then they need to be captured in the next scene. So an equivalent amount of bad guys show up again. And instead of defeating them, they're just like, well, there's obviously nothing we can do. There's too many bad guys at this point.

We are completely under your control at this point. Yeah. Get fucking. So yeah, so those bad guys take the good guys to batter guys. I'm like, man, this is a lot of bad guys to shoehorn in 45 minutes into an hour and a half movie. But we go to the bad guy. Now, this is the hat. And like to this point, I'm thinking to

myself, okay, there's a talking doll. There could be a talking hat, right? But the reality was even better now because like we've already said it's been in the sketches. We've been talking about it since the very beginning of the movie. I did not know until this goddamn moment that The Hat was going to be played by Colin Mochrie. Me neither. And why would you expect it? Right! It's the least expectable possible thing. Right?

Right? Like in order for it to be less expected than Colin Mochrie playing the bad guy, it would have to be some kind of geometric shape playing it that you can't perceive from the third dimension or something like that. It is equally absurd to him being played by Mr. Rogers. Rock Hussein Obama. Elmo the puppet. And he is mustering about as much like terror as any of those people. Well, right.

Because it's not like he reached deep down in and found his villain. He's playing this as Colin Mochrie. He's just happily eating his dinner when they get there. He is politely but firmly knowing this script. I don't know who he owed money to or how he ended up in the movie, right, but he was there, he was wearing the hat, and he was like, yeah, I mean, I do have to say these lines or they won't let my daughter go. But I can say, welcome, won't you have a seat in the most pleasant tone I can imagine. Yeah, I really wish one of them had been like, holy shit, Colin Mochrie. Well, okay, all right.

So, but that's the thing is that Sarah does. So here's how the scene plays out. They bring him in. He's like, ah, have some food. We've taken all your guns and weapons, but I'll feed you at least. And then he's like, I want to rape your wife. And the wife the whole time is just beaming, smiling ear to ear. And I'm like, there's no reason for her character to be charmed by the guy who's threatening

to rape her. This actress is just like, Oh my God, do you, is Drew Carey nice? Do you think, do you think they called you the hat because of scenes from her hat, Collin? Help me. I'm eating a comically large bread roll. Yes, I'm eating a hamburger bun. I'm. Yes! I'm eating a hamburger bun. I'm eating an uncut hamburger bun as I do. Okay, yeah, for my fellow Upstate New York trash, for who remember Winnagees, she's eating

a Winnagee. Okay, it is a pumpkin-sized bread roll that she is digging into with the happiest grin on her face while Fred Rogers is like, oh boy, I can't wait to get to rape it. Yum, yum, yum. It is a bit incongruous. My least favorite things. Number one, consent. Number two, interrupters.

Okay. So, and then, all right. So, but he's like, eat, have your fill. And I've decided I don't want to rape your wife and you guys could just chill at my Place and you can leave tomorrow So we cut to them in the bedroom and you know, she's like, alright So let me strip it down to my underwear real quick and we can fuck and he's like I he's not really gonna let us go He's just he's the he's the hat. He's the bad guy. Yeah, but can we fuck?

Right right, right. He's the bad guy's gonna kill us can we fuck? Yes, literally. She's like, right, right, right. He's the bad guy who's going to kill us and murder us. But like... Counterpoint. We have 15 minutes. And I know you're good for about seven of those. So we could go twice. That's why he keeps the tape on his hands.

The like boxing tape. It lets him last a little longer. So yeah, so but she's like, she's like, hey boobs, and we get the the second like, they clearly meant for this to be a obstructed nudity shot, except it the guy sneezes again and the camera goes low enough to see nipple. And then we get this like long, stupid slow motion fucking by the fire scene. And look, you know, in a world where porn wasn't free and ubiquitous, I guess I get why these scenes

were in movies, but now there's just porn. Yeah. Right. Why do we need 12 goddamn minutes of these people's slow motion fucking by the fire? Right. But listeners at home, you should know that the word boob is in this section of note so many times. So many times.

We're all rooting for it pretty hard. It's like the last quarter of Rudy here. Yep. Yeah, right. Right. Right. Wow, boobs. Boobs. Boobie. Well, kind of top boobs. Christian boobie boobs. 99% boobs. Yeah. This is the... I'm just reading from the notes guys But then he wakes up again with the priest and I really wanted the priest to be like hey man You came in your pants Dog you came in my pants really awkward for me. I'm a priest

I don't did you hire me a priest to watch you die so you could find and no offense, raw dog your wife. Yeah. So he, but he wakes up and he's like in the real world. He's like sketching all the things that he's seen in the afterlife. I really wanted him to be drawing them fucking right here. We did it in this position, but also we did this for a little while.

But then my leg fell asleep and so we had to sleep. I caught a cramp. Here's the cramp. This is a, I drew the cramp. He also had, but so he does this and then he like, we look up from those sketches, he sketched the gray lady as well. This creepy monster thing, right? Which is so much creepier than the CGI we will eventually get from for the gray lady. Sure.

But then, so okay, so we haven't mentioned this till now, which is amazing to me. But when he's dead, this character has a giant scar down his face. Mm-hmm. Right? When he's alive he doesn't. Mm-hmm. That's how we know when he's in a dream or when he's in death or whatever. So at this point he picks up a knife and the music gets all horror movie and he stabs himself in the face. That's hard. Yeah. And this movie was not prepared for how funny that would look. Right? were sure they were gonna get like a horror craft scene instead, but the guys just like ouchie. Yeah my cheekums We're also as the viewer just going but why he do that. Yeah, why you do that?

Right. Yeah, and we never get an answer by no well so yeah like the real reason is because they feel like they have to have a ticking clock because if he could just go back and forth from death over and over again indefinitely, then this movie has no stakes. Right? So what they're trying to establish here is, oh, like dying this often is making them delirious. You remember Flatliners, right? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. You remember a flatliners, right? Yeah. So, so it's, we get, cause in the next thing we've got like Ray, the priestess, he's patched him up and he's kind of explaining this plot point. You know, he's like, we can't keep sending you in. You'll lose your mind being torn between this life and the afterlife. And he's like, yeah, I was too close to act three for more than me, for me to go in more than one or two more times. Certainly. Yeah. But he's like, I don't know what happened to act three for me to go in more than one or two more times.

Certainly. Yeah. But he's like, I don't know what happened, but I promise it won't happen again. And then there's this great moment where the priest is like, hey, I know this is weird for this just now to occur to me, but like, what if you're just dreaming? And the fact that we're suggesting all this stuff so heavily before you fall asleep is the reason you keep dreaming about your wife in a monster afterlife. This far into the process he has this.

Yes! Yeah. And this is his response. And I would like you to correct me if this is not the response. How do I know it's real? It's real. Yes, it is. How would we get this far into the movie and it not be real?

That would just be silly. Jesus Christ. But then we get the scene that elevates this movie to pure insanity. Fuck yeah. The one where he goes out to meet the doll's parents. No. This is the only scene in the movie that doesn't take place in either like the priest's office or the hat's house. Right. The half-turn life. Yeah. The hat for house. The hat for life.

Yeah, right. So this is our experience. He just goes to this house, he knocks on the door and this couple, this young couple comes to the door and he goes, Hey, does the name Caitlin mean anything to you? And we're like, Oh my fucking God, these people are the damn dolls parents. They sure are. Did this guy fuck a doll? What happened here?

Right. And the engine and he goes, she wants you to know that she's okay. Like dad, I mean, she's dead, but she was decidedly not okay. She's a doll in a monster verse. Seriously. He doesn't mention that she's a doll. He's like had to, like we have established that he's had to sew her up a couple of times. So there's times where she would have been like just half of a fucking doll if he hadn't been there.

Yeah. That was because of the fucking doll, right? So she's a fetus. She's a fetus. She's a foul-mouthed fetus. Stillborn. Well, that's, yeah, that's what we established here is that she was a miscarried pregnancy. Or stillborn or yes. The parents are devastated. We were going to name our baby Caitlin, right?

That's what we established here. Jesus Christ. Absolutely ruining these. These people are just trying to watch HGTV. You know what I mean? To be clear, what happens when you die is you go to a monster. These people are just trying to watch HGTV. You know what I mean? They're into their day. To be clear, what happens when you die is you go to a MonsterVerse run by Colin Mochery populated by demons unless you were a fetus, in which case you enter a doll and have to

help the good people of said universe. Yes, right. Have to ride around in a saddlebag. That's just not right. If you're lucky. If you're lucky, you're right. Yeah, those ride around in a saddle bag. That's just not right. If you're lucky. If you're lucky, you're right. Yeah, those are lucky ones. Yeah.

Yeah. This is demonstrably not a Christian movie though, right? Because like there's no heaven and hell. There's just, fuck you. Monsterverse. There's monsterverse. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Jesus Christ. Right. But also like the other thing too is it's not like there's a message that he's giving them that's helping them in any way. Right? He tells, yeah. He tells them that-

If the fetus had known the combination to get into the safe, to get Uncle Ted's will or something, this would make sense. But all he's doing is torturing this poor couple. Yeah. He's like, yeah, she was my angel. And the dad is like, fuck you. You know this is a movie because dad did not start swinging on this.

Yeah, right. So incredibly not fun fact. There was actually a church in the nineties that used to do this by reading listings of like children's funerals in the paper. And they stopped because the dad beat the shit out of her. They were like, oh, you know what's wrong with this profilatation?

I don't have any teeth anymore. I am a huge sissy. And I would whoop someone's ass. 100%. We are both going to the hospital. We need to be removed from you. You to be stitched back together. You guys just have to do some boxing exposition.

All right. Well, I think we all need a minute to deal with the implications of miscarriages end up as dolls in the afterlife. So we're going to pause for a break here. But first let me have Act 3, the hard sell. How far along does a pregnancy have to get for it to be a doll? Are earlier miscarriages smaller dolls? Why wouldn't this world just be teeming with little sapient dolls then? Find out even more disturbing unanswered questions when we return for the boob-tastic conclusion of... Night Cries. Alright, everybody settle down, settle down. You're here because you've been included in the gang of the hat. So let's go over a couple of things.

I'm sorry. Did you say that? You know what? This is why you got to let me finish. Yes, his name is the hat. But I assure you that even though his name is the hat, and that doesn't seem very scary or very bad, he is fact, both scary and bad. Does he wear hats?

Yeah, well, yes, he wears he does. He wears a variety of hats. Are they scary? Not particularly, no, but but he is very scary. So, you know, the hats kind of take over the job a little bit you know. Man this must be one scary looking motherfucker. No well you would think that but no he looks like a slightly built pleasant 67 year old Scottish comedian who moved to Canada when he was seven actually.

Like a grizzled Andrew Dice Clay type. No no no like comedy sports and sick sitcoms kind of a sitcom guy I gotta tell you I'm having a really hard time picture in this guy is well he is scary okay scary and also he's a rapist well well that's off-putting yep very much Yes. Now let's go over the patrol calls. Why does he wear hats? I said we're going over patrol calls. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're gonna rejoin the action with Ray trying to justify the movie's inclusion on GAM with a quick homily. Okay, but here's the thing. The only part of the Bible that talks about sleeping,

which is like dying temporarily to rescue your wife from the monster verse, is the bitchy part where Jesus is like, oh, you guys are just going to go to sleep. I was kind of going to cook guy in the garden, but it's fine. No, I guess if you guys want to fall asleep, you can. Yeah. Yeah, because apparently this like, there was a point where this guy, Andrew Simic, as he's writing this, he's like, you know, but I do have something to say on the spiritual

side as well. So I'd like to include this little homily moment. So we get that. And of course, this leads to him going in again, right? Like going back into the matrix. And Ray comes in and he's like, you know, I'm not doing this again. We're too far into the movie. And he's like, you are doing it again. And so he does. Okay. Yeah. And then he comes to like mid getting kidnapped at the hats place.

Jesus Christ. Which, which brings about the question. Is he like brain dead and frozen the entire time he's in the outside world? Is it like Avatar where there's just this lifeless corpse of him until he goes back to dead or does time stop until he gets back? Yeah, a lot of questions. You're thinking about this movie way more than they did. Well that's the movie's just like don't think about that boobs.

Hey boobs, boobs guys. Bibles and boobs, bibles and boobs. Right, yeah, because we cut straight. Yeah, we're fucking one scene removed from the homily and now Sarah's getting tossed in the harem room where the redheaded lady has her boobs out. Her boobs are so out that she's using her boobs to hold her shirt open. Yes.

I was like, I love this lady. She fucking rolled. They're like those things you put on either side of a window to tuck your curtains in. Yeah. It's working. Just tuck it back here, tuck it back here. There you go.

Tits in the wind. But they throw her in there and they're like, dress her all sexy. And they're like, the same sexy for the rest of the movie. They're like, no, a different bikini for every scene she's in from this point out in the fucking film. What the afterlife lacks in readily available food, wardrobe is never an issue. Yeah, no. Well, there's not much cloth. That's the thing though. Sure, but cloth.

They really got to make that cloth last. Disagree. The sponge with which she is being given a milk bath is the size of my whole torso. Okay. You know the whole milk bath is on footage somewhere. Oh yeah. Okay. So here's the thing that I need to explain. Okay. She is in this room being introduced to the harem of Colin Mochery. And as she's being introduced, two women walk up to her with your grandmother's mixing bowl

full of milk and a sponge. I know I exaggerate for comedic effect, podcast listener. I'm not exaggerating. A sponge the size of a pumpkin. And they just start dumping this sponge the size of a pumpkin into the milk like they're ready to give her a milk pack. And no one's acknowledging it and no one's addressing it. I was screaming at my laptop, what is happening?

Someone acknowledge the big sponge and the milk. You have to acknowledge the big sponge and the milk. Eli wrote in his notes, this is someone's very specific kink. And I wrote after that, well, now it is. Yeah. Well, I mean, we're told at the beginning of the scene that they have to get her dressed the way the hat likes it, which implies that Colin Mockery only likes to fuck women who smell of old milk.

Oh yeah, that's a given. Which is devastating. He's Canadian, I get it. It's called aged milk, not old milk. It's a poutine thing. Yeah. A cheese like funk. Yeah.

Right. We've just gone slightly rancid. So, okay. But now we cut to the fighting pit, right? So if at first we see dog fights there, which, you know, fucking gross, Colin Mockery is watching over this. He is now dressed as a hoplite. Yep.

No idea. Yeah. He has like Halloween adventure Roman soldier hat. Yeah. So, but the thing, cause he's not the helmet, right? He's the hat. Yeah. You should have to wear a hat.

This doesn't fucking count. All headwear is not a hat. No, it's true. And previously you've been wearing like a Dr. Seuss style, like large top hat. A bowler before that. And he goes back to the top hat later. So he's really just the two hat. It's very upsetting.

Yeah. Okay, but they bring out Joseph, right? The cowboy now has to fight in the pit. Yeah. It's good that we've established that he can box, right? Oh, right. So and then they bring out an eight foot tall full body demon monster with a bunch of horns on it and shit. And he's ashy as hell. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Also, they overdid it with the horns. There's just too many fucking horns. So there's

like obviously one extra. In practical horns. Yeah. So there's like obviously one extra horn. In practical horns. Yeah. So yeah, he's got like one horn on his chest. It's fucking ridiculous. That's for dancing. Hold on to it. Yeah.

But, but yeah. And then we get like this incredibly uninspired, quick and boring monster fight. Yeah. Right. Because the monster throws him once, he grabs a knife, stabs the monster in the eye and then chokes the monster with barbed wire and it's over. Yeah. It lasts 40, the monster coming out and roaring lasts longer than the fight.

To which Colin Mochery responds, exact delivery of the line, Well, that was fucking impressive. Yes. Right. As you're writing in your notes, wow, that was really fucking unimpressive. Colin Mochery goes, that was fucking impressive. So Colin Mochery is like in movie talking shit on the movie that he is in. Yes. He's politely knowing the movie. Look, I have met several kind people, public servants, people with good in their hearts. And when they're exposed to the goblin troll that I am,

they sort of freeze into a timeless space. And that is what Colin Moxley is doing to this movie. So yeah, but so they're like, they're like, all right, well, you killed the monster. Doesn't matter. We're still going to stab you and throw you in a coffin. So they stab him and throw him in a coffin. This is great moment where he's taking, he's taking the wisdom of the crowd. She's like, no. And he's like, Oh no, what do you say?

But they accidentally play the dramatic music of the moment over the crowd's response. So he says, what do you say? And the crowd says, wah. And then they stab him in the side and he says, it is done. Yes.

Just like Jesus Christian movie. I wasn't reaching at this point. It's a Christian film. It's a Christian movie. I wasn't reaching at this point It's a Christian movie with boobs So yes, but they take him out in the coffin. He's still alive in the coffin, right? So they take him out he's chillin regret a few of his life choices and Then we watch him like we watch like him in the coffin as they bury him for like a fucking while like him in the coffin as they bury him for like a fucking while. And it's great because again, what are we all familiar with?

We're all familiar with the Kill Bill scene, which is shot by an excellent filmmaker. This is shot by someone who is a bad filmmaker. So he's just like, no, Ruman, here. I forget, what did she do in the movie? Oh, they zoomed out. Okay, I can't do that. Because I'm just in my closet with digging sounds I downloaded from the internet. Just laying down. But Ray wakes him up at this point into the real world, right?

The priest. He's like, you're out of the animus again. You don't get to play the fun parts of the game for a little while. And he's like, all right, well, my wife has been kidnapped. We need to save him. He's like, or I will inject you with this, with this syringe full of sedatives that I have. To be fair, he is a Catholic priest.

So I understand. Oh, okay, right, right. Yeah. Which he calls scoplamine. So close. It's made from scallops. Yeah, exactly. I know you're allergic to shellfish.

But the priest calls somebody for help and we're like, Oh, who's going to be like revealed to be the bad guy who's in on it with the priest? It's Jim. We've never met a character named Jim. But he has a rotary phone, I guess to go with his quill fucking pen. Yeah, he exists in a different dimension. I think he lives in a dungeon. It's true. So, so fucking trigger warning for dimension, I think as well. He also lives in a dungeon. Yeah, he does live in a dungeon, that's true.

So, so, fucking trigger warning for implied rape in the next scene. Jesus Christ. What a weird fucking movie this is for that to come up right now. But here's the thing, it's an implied rape scene that Colin Mochrie does not consent to. So it's the least threatening, right? Because this is the classic I'm about to rape you blackout, right? Because this is the classic, I'm about to rape you blackout, right? Where it is assumed that he rapes her. But Colin Mochrie is just like, well, I'm going to put on a little jazz music. How have you been enjoying your time

in the afterlife so far? Good. Glad to hear it. Glad to hear it. Well, that's where the camera goes off. Yep. Yep. But it's also, she's giving Princess Leia and Jabo's palace vibes. Yeah. 100%. She's wearing a little bikini. She's got the big like hoop earrings. A different bikini than she was wearing in the other scene, by the way. She's changed bikinis since the pit. So. Right. She's chained up and there's this moment where he pulls the chain and it's supposed to bend her over, which is supposed to be this very foreboding thing. And she gives

him this very like sensual, like, what are you gonna do look, and it cuts to Colin Baccaris' face. You have to watch it. He is completely blank. He's like, nope. BOOM! I said I'd be in your movie. The answer is no.

And then it blacks out. Colin, you're kind of giving dead inside right now. And he's like, yes. Yes. Yes, I am. Can I get a profession that isn't this movie? Yeah, right. Yes.

I will now accept Dildo Factory as a location. Let's just move on. Anything. So Joseph now is like back in the real world trying to convince Ray to send him in one last time. He's got to load up on weapons, but Ray has stolen all of his death weed. His devil's breath.

Yeah. Cause he's like, it's a, you've been taking a drug called scloplamine or whatever they made up. He's like, it's, it's called devil's breath. And I'm like, sounds good. I would try that. This is a real drug. It's scopolamine, scopollemine. Either way, it's, but it's just, it's like, you know, when you get surgery and then sometimes you throw up, it's what they give you to keep you from throwing up. It's not, it's not really all that intense. It's an anti-nausea medication. I think it's given to like, now I give you the ancient voodoo secret of all the Nestron

baby. Don't tell. So yeah, but so he's like, Hey, look, you've been smoking the fucking anti nausea medication for too long. The cops are coming to institutionalize you and he's just loading a gun. He's like, you haven't stopped me from dying. You just stopped me from coming back. And I'm like, okay, that's actually pretty cool for this movie.

That was actually a pretty clever term. Okay. Okay, that's actually pretty cool for this movie. That was actually a pretty clever turn Okay, and let's can I say if the rest of the movie was just him fucking yakety stack style committing half suicide Like it's just a one-on-one the happening I'm fucking him Right so he goes to shoot himself He struggles for the gun like Ray runs up and struggles for the gun and he accidentally shoots Ray Yeah in the melee. It's it's a shame about Ray. Okay. Can I fix this movie? Can I fix this do it?

Can we all agree that this would be an incredible movie if we flash cut to Colin Mochrie? Assaulting the wife, but now it's the priest and he's like Great jawline. Yeah, he did. He did. He had a hell of a profile. Why wouldn't you have mentioned this when you said you needed to go back in? This was such important information! Oh, no! Well, the devil's in the details! Right! Well, so, and I'm expecting, okay, well, now he's going to go down

to, like, Death World and him and Ray and the priest and he's going to go back in. And he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and he's going to go back in, and devil's in the detail. Right. So, and I'm expecting, okay, well, now he's going to go down to like death world and him and Ray and the fucking doll are going to team up to rescue her. But the movie somehow misses that too. No, the priest just dies. Yeah, the priest just fucking dies. And then, but then the cops come in right afterwards and they're like, man, did you just shoot that fucking priest?

And so he commits suicide by cop, so that he can get him I? Wanted him to go to a different afterlife because suicide by cop is a different thing Didn't get the last rights this time man, sorry just go into the DMV ends up on an undersea adventure So yeah, so but then he pops into an afterlife. Now he's in a hospital and he's like going back to his wife's deathbed scene from before. Yeah. So, that the part where she like asked him to save her from the monster universe, that was her talking to his ghost from after he died now.

Imagine realizing that your beloved wife wasn't speaking her final words to you, but to your cowboy avatar. Yeah. Right. That's really disappointing. Yeah. Wow. I've been there, Katie.

And can I tell you? It hurts. Sure. Also, how did his dying wife not go, you know what? That beard is working. Yeah. The beard is great on him. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like, your jaw is awful. Honey, once you feel ready to him. Right? Yeah, yeah. It's like, cause you're really, your jaw is awful. Hey, honey, once you feel ready to date again, you should really do a little stubble thing. All right, I'm going to go. Maybe a scar, maybe a scar along the side of your face. I know that's a weird thing to say, but. Also be careful with that duster. It is way too long for you. You're going to trip over the helm on that thing.

Have you met my friend Margaret? I'm not calling you Duster Daddy. I call Margaret the gray lady. Whoa. Holy shit. What the hell is Margaret? I call Margaret the great lady. Whoa. Holy shit. Fuck yeah, just blew your minds. Yeah. Stay tuned kids.

So but then he wakes back up in death, but he's still in the fucking coffin. And he's like, oh, well shit. Yeah. Shit. I don't have it. I should have brought a shovel or something. Damn it. Or Uma Thurman. I don't have it. I should have brought a shovel or something. Ah, damn it. Or Uma Thurman. I don't fucking know.

I should have brought Uma Thurman. He tries pushing the coffee, he pushes the lid, and he's like, no, well, obviously, why would I? That's obviously, that wouldn't work. That was a dumb thing. But just then, the Grey Lady shows up, and it's way sillier looking than I was prepared for. Yeah, it sure is.

In a movie that already contains a stillborn fetus talking doll, the gray lady is like, this feels awkward. Because one, it's way too close. It has to be way too close to his face. So she's like, hey, sorry, can I scooch it? No, no, no. I'll be in here. Anyways, would you like, I think I'm offering you super strength, but buddy, I don't know.

Yeah, go into your eyes and then you're going to be super strong once I live inside your eyeballs. Yeah, yeah, right. No, and also it looks like a fucking like a voodoo thwomp from Mario Kart. It sure does. It's like thwomp fucked the mask from the mask. No. Not the one with Eric Stoltz. It's like it's like thwomp fucked the mask from the mask, you know? No, not the one with Eric Stoltz.

No, not that one. Not that one. Oh, God. So we did it like it grants him some kind of getting out of the grave power that the movie doesn't really establish. Like, does he have super strength at this point? I don't fucking know. There will never be consequences. It'll never come up again. No, no. This is the last consequences. It'll never come up again. Nope. Nope. This is the last we will ever hear of the gray lady.

I mean, outside of the New York Times. But then he gets out and the doll's there. And the doll's like, yeah, I was going to dig you out. But then I was remembering like, I'm a fucking doll. What am I going to do? It's going to take forever. A little tiny Barbie shovel. Can you imagine?

Aw, I'm so cute. Colin Lockery did rape your wife though. Oh God! I should let you know that while you were having a shoving match with your priest friend, Colin Mochrie raped your wife, so deal with that however you're gonna...

Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. So then we cut, okay, so then we cut to Sarah. She's now in her, God, her fucking post rape lingerie. The redhead is snuggling her from, I didn't make the fucking movie. All right. This is my job. But you did make the phrase post rape lingerie.

I did. I did. Yeah. Why didn't you describe it? But she does not look distressed. She seems kind of fine. She's being snuggled by that lady who loves getting her rabs out. Yeah. My eyeliner looks worse after like a good sneeze.

Oh my God, her makeup's impeccable. And she's gotten her brows done at this point as well. Even more like sculpted than they were previously. So then, okay, then we cut to Joseph and he's got a plan. His plan involves putting an explosive inside the doll and the doll dying. Unborn fetus doll suicide bomber. You could not have told me that Colin Mochrie was going to be in a movie about an unborn fetus doll suicide bomber.

Unborn. Well, that's going to be like, like this is gonna be a really awesome like if you're ever watching who's lying with us whose line is there with whatever with somebody you can turn to me like did you know that Colin Mochrie was once in a movie killed by a unborn fetus doll suicide bomber? Which is why we named the first album by Nightmare Cancer. Right. Yeah. Unborn fetus. Suicide bomber. Unborn fetus doll suicide bomber. Unborn fetus doll suicide bomber. Katie and Eli.

Click, click, click, click, click, click. But there's also a. Because we were doing the puzzle. Right. Yeah. God damn it, Eli. Go back to it. You can't cut it now, Katie.

The whole world will know. So, okay. So, but the, but the doll, like, so, like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like,

you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you The world will know. So okay. So but the but the doll like so that the new plot point is the doll is going to sacrifice herself to save him. And they have this like, you know, like, I'm sorry to ask you to give yourself to sacrifice yourself for me. And she's like, Yeah, it's a really fucked up thing that you would do to your friend

and the goddamn story. I'm a child. Right. Yes, exactly. I'm not even a child. I'm a pre-child. I'm a pre-child. Yes. Thank you. But she's like, but it's okay. I'll do it because I love you. Yeah.

And we're like, what? You would think she would be like, and to what end am I giving my unborn life? Right. And he would be like, I don't fucking know. Right. I didn't write that down. I'm a child. I'm a pre-child.

I'm a pre-child. I'm a pre-child. I'm a pre-child. I'm a pre-child. I'm a pre-child. I'm a pre-child. I'm a pre-child. You would think she would be like, and to what end am I giving my unborn life? Right. And he would be like, I don't fucking know. Okay. I didn't write that part of the movie. Right.

Yes, we haven't established a thing. Who the fuck are you? Where am I? Why is Colin Mochrie here? Wakes up as a talking goldfish in a different after like, god damn it. Motherfucker. I gotta go find Nemo So, okay

So now Caitlin the tall and Joseph's are breaking into Collins was her job in this break-in is to make the Guard look in the direction. He was already looking So that Joseph can sneak up and shoot him in the back of the hat Yeah, but as soon as he shoots him everybody's like hey, we all heard gunshots. Let's run to there now. And he's like, Oh yeah, right. And so, okay. So now he has to John Wick his way through the bad guys, except he just walks through and he shoots him. All right. So apologies for sort of a long explanation here. So when you watch a really good action sequence, there are two kinds of people who see this one. One is the kind of person that looks at this and sees, you know, the interesting interplay between choreographers and stuntmen and camera operators and everything that makes this all work and everything and all the interesting, clever things that maybe the choreographer came up with,

interesting ways to use the environment around them and all this. Other people just see guns and shit, right? Like, OK, guns and shit. Peque. Peque. Right. Right. But once in a while, a person who just sees guns and shit is called upon to make one of these scenes. That's what we're watching. He's just like, no, you guys get it. Peque, Peque. Right. It looks like you sent an adult laser tag champion to play with a children's and he's taking it way

seriously he's like he way too serious yeah yeah I said adult laser tag champion they were already picturing it so yeah and also this character can't be bothered to reload a gun right so every time he runs out of ammo, he just throws down the gun and he gets another one, which becomes ridiculous. That's straight up John Wick, though. Well, John Wick reloads the guns all the time. That's part of the cool stuff that he does, you know, just kind of cool reloads as he's hiding behind shit.

Anyway, but there's a point where you're like, hey, man, instead of an extra tiny gun, why not more ammo for the submachine gun that you just threw away? Right. And also it goes too far too great because at the end he has to kill the guy with the knife. He's out of guns. He kills the guy with a knife. And when he gets done with the knife, he throws away the knife as though it was also out of

ammo. All out of bullet. Wait, is that when he's fighting the guy that I named Jacques Reacher? Yeah. Yeah. The guy, the giant guy comes out. He's got a big meat hook. And they're like, why would you have a meat hook?

He's like signature weapon. You can't start. You can't this late in the movie have a signature weapon. Doesn't count. It's already happened. So, yes, he has the big fight with Jacques Reacher. They have the fight that I imagine Eli and Heath having the day before our company actually falls apart. Right. Fucking dumb and ridiculous.

But there is a lot of slapping. Oh, yeah. But it ends with him just shooting the guy in the face. It's like you're supposed to out of her power. The big guy, you dumb ass. But no, he just shoots him. So, OK, so he defeats the big guy. And so now he's running through the Colin Mockery's lair going,

HAT! HAT! And the movie does not realize how silly that is. Sure doesn't. Heartbreaking. So yeah, so on his way through, he just walks right through the fucking murder pit. So of course, Colin traps him in the murder pit. And shoots him.

Right, like 63 times with a machine gun. And then he brings out Sarah as a hostage. And I'm like, you don't need a hostage. You just shot him 63 times with a machine gun. Yeah. Yeah. And he does... So, Colin Mochrie does, I would say, the only acting he deigns to do in this movie at this moment,

where he does his sort of villainous, we're all dead, what does it matter anyways monologue. But it really feels like Colin just sort of expressing for the first time how he feels about the movie. He's like, where am I? What is this movie about? You implied that I raped someone. I'm a grown up. I have a daughter. People could just clip that and send it places. I was on two beloved Canadian sitcoms. Put your chest away.

I'm 70. Man, put those weapon grade boobs away. Put them away. So, but he shoots Joseph again, 64th time's the charm. Then he turns to shoot Sarah, but just then, Caitlin the doll shows up and I'm like, oh wow, you could have showed up 63 bullets in Joseph ago, but okay. Again, no walking budget. Yeah, right.

No, that's it. That's it. No, I had to wait until he came to this thing I was leading against. Sorry. And can I say that Caitlin's self-sacrifice self-splosion is a little Bugs Bunny for the tone of this film. Sure. Yeah. It's a little like, that's all folks.

It didn't. There was a rape three scenes ago. And then she explodes in a way that you almost expect Colin Mockery to have to like pull his duck bill around to the right side of his face again at the end of it. Yes. Which he would have loved to do. Right. But it would have explained why we had Colin Mockery in the goddamn movie. It's not for him shooting a gun because that looked absurd.

Yes. So silly. Right. But she blows him up. Sarah shoots the remaining henchmen, but it's too late. Joseph is dying squared. I don't know. We don't know what happens when you die and you're dead, but I guess in this instance, he's undying.

Yeah. Oh. Right. So like, I guess he was temporarily dead after the cop shot him, but they defibrillated him or whatever back into the real world. So he's like, you know, giving his living words. I don't fucking know how he would even say it at this point. And this is where he reveals that they had a son who is also dead.

Didn't go looking for him in the afterlife, did he? Thank you. There are three minutes in this movie. Last if you count the credits. It's insane for them to introduce this at this point. Also, the fact that he did not go looking for his child, but instead found his wife and raw-dogged her in the bad guy's face. It does not tell her about her dead child.

No. No, no. So in the in the recent Nosferatu episode that we did, Katie has a theory that men will do literally anything for pussy. Yes, sir. And this movie backs up that theory. Right. Right. They never got around.

He's like, since I can't fuck you anymore anyway, I might as well tell you about the kid. Yeah. So but he tells her you need to find our son. And she's like, yeah, live your life by the way. Don't keep pretend like making yourself die every week to come see me. And he's like, but you are my life. He better not get remarried because she's waiting. Think about the drink that the fucking writer poured for himself after he wrote

that fucking line. So, okay. So then we cut to the, we're back in the real world. Joseph is going to prison for murdering Ray with a gun, right? As he should. Yeah. Well, they're like, and you dug up your wife's corpse and you carved all those magical tattoos into her and we're like, oh, bro. Yeah, that's fucked up. Right.

Which means that if they wanted to find their son, he's got to go to an even older coffin and carve and dig up his little boy. Oh god. Ah daddy's coming son Eli one of the Pokemon symbols shit, but see he doesn't want to fuck his son Less symbols required So then but then we get this weird moment where Sarah finds Ray the priest in the afterlife. This is where she's wearing her cloak, but still her cleavage is visible and her tummy is visible. She's the Duster Daddy now. Yeah.

Full circle. Yeah. And he's like, I don't have memories. And she's like, don't worry about it. You're way hotter than the guy who played my husband. I will fill in your memories. So everyone just has to survive in this post-apocalyptic world after they die. Like absolutely fuck that noise.

Right. Yeah. I will not do it. I'm just dying until I find a place I want to stay. I'll stay in that coffin. I don't care. I'll die until I'm in Orlando. Yeah.

So God, no. Give me stay in that coffin. I don't care. I'll stay in that coffin. I don't care. I'll stay in that coffin. I don't care. I'll stay in that coffin. I don't care. I'll stay in that coffin. I don't care. I'll stay in that coffin. I don't care. I'll stay in that coffin. I don't care. I'll stay in that coffin. I don't care. I'll stay in that coffin. I don't care. I'll stay in that coffin. I don't care. I'll stay in that coffin. I don't care.

I'll stay in that coffin. I don't care. I'll stay in that coffin. I don't care. I'll stay in that coffin. I don't care. I'll stay in that coffin. I don't care. I'll stay in that coffin. I don't care. I'll stay in that coffin. I don't care. I'll stay in that coffin. I don't care. I'll stay in that coffin. I don't care.

I'll stay in that coffin. I don't care. I'll stay in that coffin. I don't care. I'll stay in that coffin. I don't care. I'll stay in that coffin. I don't care. I'll stay in that coffin. I don't care. I'll stay in that coffin. I don't care. I'll stay in that coffin. I don't care. I'll stay in that coffin. I don't care. I notes some form of, oh, that's adorable. They thought there was going to be a sequel and everything. I wonder if he still thinks that. He probably does. It's only been 10 years. It's plenty of time.

Right. Exactly. Avatar 2 took almost 10 years. Yeah. All right. Well, that's all the movie there is. And I feel like that's all the movie there's going to be. Katie Allen. Like normally I would say, you know, thanks for suffering alongside us. But I don't think that's appropriate for this movie. So I'm just going to say thanks for hanging out with us. You're welcome for the boobs. Thanks for having us. And thanks for all the tips.

Yeah. Thank you for the boobs. And of course, if our listeners aren't done with you yet, remind us one more time where they can go to hear more from you. Werewolfambulance at any of your podcatchers. You can find us at werewolfambulance.com. There's a link tree there for all of our business. We have t-shirts and podcasts and podcasts and t-shirts and that's about all we have. That's really what we're talking about.

Yeah, yeah. Where you can get extra episodes of us talking about action movies. Oh, I love action movies. Yeah, that's that's about it. That's it. Give it a goob. We're just trying to exist. Monster hellscape that we've all gotten into.

Running from Colin Mockery in a monster verse would be way better than the current political climate. I think we can all agree. All right. There'd at least be more boobs. Clearly, clearly. Well, there'd be there'd be'd at least be more boobs. Clearly. Clearly. Well, there'd be there'd be fewer boobs, but better boobs.

Yeah. They wouldn't be running our fucking country, the boobs in this instance. So that is, of course, going to do it for our review of Night Crash, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to loop back around to the start. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. The true story of Raul Riez. Raul abused his wife and hated his father. His name stood for fear, for fighting, and for fury.

To his high school friends, he was a violent, dangerous combatant. In Vietnam, he was a top-notch fighting Marine. He had a danger to his own commanding officer. To others, he was a kung fu expert. But to his family, he was a time bomb ready to explode at any moment. Then, one night, a miracle led Raul back from black rage. But his family he was a time bomb ready to explode at any moment

One night a miracle led Raul back from black rage to inner peace Rauras was never the same what could change the heart of a man from a desire to kill his own father to a bachelor to save him We'll be watching from fury to Freedom. Oh my god for that. I will be back for that. I will be back for that. That sounds amazing. Okay. So with that to look forward to, we're going to be getting to 504 to Immersible Close. Once again, a huge thanks to Werewolf Ambulance for helping out today and be sure to check

the show notes for a link to their show. And perhaps even a huger thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make this show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Scathing Atheist, Citation Data D and D minus and The Skeptocrat available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email God awful movies at

gmail.com Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slatkin, Conceivable Drafts on Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check of your life this week for Heathenright, and Eli Bosnic, and I'm the Lucius Providence to work hard to earn another check next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the Breakfast Club clothes. Kaitlin walks off this set and onto the set of Puppet Master 17, where she belongs. Colin Mochrie turns to Cameron and says, it's a living. The guy in charge of the obstructed nudity

would go on to work information security for Pete Hegsund. Turns out the reason that family was in the monster afterlife is because they were Episcopalian. Just so you know. I was so curious what this word was. That same. Epi... Okay. You know, if you sound it out, Episcopalian, you can tell. That's right. You got to sound it out.

You can read Eli Bosnick. Slightly more challenging acting job than Eli normally gives to our guests. They get it. They know. Last time they were on Katie Bane broke Heath's figure. That's why he's not on this time. He's still scared. He's avoiding me.

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