God Awful Movies - 507: Acquitted by Faith

Episode Date: May 20, 2025

This week, the hosts of the Too Many Tabs podcast join us for a movie about how surprisingly cool God is when it comes to texting and driving. --- Check out Too Many Tabs here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/too-many-tabs-with-pearlmania500/id1667191441 --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/ Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

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Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. Ben MGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. ["The Vandervilte"] And I was like, I've been to Nashville quite a few times in my life. I don't think that's a fancy hotel, but I looked it up and what was the Vanderbilt?

It's a Hampton Inn. Fantastic. He's like, I'm going to make up Vanderbilt? It's a Hampton Inn. Fantastic. He's like, I'm going to make up for everything by taking you to the Hampton Inn. You're getting the red roof tonight, baby. Baby, you're getting a continental breakfast. I'm going to eat you up and down.

If the waffle machine isn't broken, you can go buckwild on that thing tomorrow morning. We're going to go from wet sausage to cold eggs. tomorrow morning. We're gonna go from wet sausage to cold eggs. Godawful Movies. Welcome back to Godawful Movies where each week we watch another terrible movie so you don't have to I'm your host teeth And right I'm joined by the a Rizful skibbity Eli Bosnic Eli. How's it going? We're not gonna connect with the youth he's no matter what we do

It's not this is not the way to do it Something shit no cap and we also have two brand new guest masochists. Mrs. P and Alex from the Too Many Tabs podcast. Mrs. P, Alex, welcome to the show. We're here. We did it. We made it. We're happy to be here. And it was super fun. You guys are internet people. Was that cool? Our beginning? Was it cool?

I feel pretty rizzed up as the kids say. See, Eli? Recently I got found out what skibbity toilet is. Pretty excited about it. Not weird at all. Yeah, because I explained it to you because we're in our early 40s and we have a toddler. This is how we internet. I hold up a different random streamer and I say, keep this man away from our son.

White supremacist or sex predator flash card. When she turned and told me she was like, we're going to have a baby. I was like, Roblox or Minecraft. And she was like, you already got the test. So he's already working in the mines. He's already working in the mine. He earned for the mine. Yeah. But yeah, we have the podcast called too many tabs. I'm a comedy history podcast. Yeah. Kind of a mix of everything. What a kind minds. Yeah. But yeah, we have the podcast called Too Many Tabs. It's a comedy history podcast. Yeah, kind of a mix of everything. What a kind of thing. And then I'm known from the internet as Perlmania 500 and Mrs. P is Mrs. Perlmania.

Yep. She likes to keep her anonymity and we're excited to be here on the show. We were really excited to be guests and then you guys made us watch this awful movie. It's a universal experience. Yeah. It seemed like it was a trick. You would be on this podcast, you just have to watch this film. And I said, yeah, sure.

How bad could it be? And then did we get divorced last night? I slept in a different room. I did actually sleep in a different room. I thought this was going to be a fun bad movie watch. I didn't read the name of your show. I think that was the problem is that it's God awful movies. And I was like, oh, because God's awful.

This is an atheist show. Got it. Understood. No, no, no. The movies are so bad. Yeah. You actually wish God existed because then the people who just exactly. Yes.

Yeah. This one wasn't fun bad. This was just watching a Christian. God existed because then the people who made them were going to. Exactly. Yes. Yeah. This one wasn't fun bad. This was just watching a Christian run home. That's what I was saying. Where's the camp? I was expecting like the chaotic camp of like, yeah, we're watching a bad film like Blood

Diner. Yeah. It's funny. It's terrible. And the whole time I was like, what is happening? How did we get here? Yeah. No one's motivation makes sense. Yeah.

All reasonable questions. All right. So let's get into it. Mrs. P, what are we going to be breaking down today? Oh, we are going to be breaking down the horrors of allegedly texting while driving and facing no consequences except a family vacation with your weird wife and terrible kids. Yeah. A movie film called,

Acquitted by Faith. Yes. Technically a movie film. Where no one is acquitted actually, and Faith is barely mentioned. Barely mentioned. It's barely, it's mentioned a total of I think three times someone says pray on it, and then throws a Bible across the room. Yep.

A Bible is thrown gently into the protagonist's lap. That is the extent of the religion. Okay. And Alex, as I understand it, you chose this movie. Yes. Why? Because you guys sent us a list of a couple different movies to choose from. And Mrs. P is a paralegal.

And so I was, she's trained paralegal and she has experience in that field. And I was like, that sounds out of the choices. I was like, this one sounds like the most we could probably relate to. I don't remember what the other two were, but they just didn't grab me. The title of Quitted by Faith, it's a good title. It's catchy. It's catchy. It's clear they came up with it after the movie.

Okay. Because they are not, this title and this movie have nothing to do with each other No, they do that. So mrs. P as an expert on the law. Did they get a lot of it? Right? Did they mostly get? My god there were parts where they just they took out evidence from an evidence envelope, which how did he get it? How did he get it? And he takes out and then he makes it like I don't give it away I don't want to spoil but he makes a call on the evidence phone. What are we talking about? Everything that goes illegal procedure, I was screaming into the night.

Alex was taking notes. I couldn't. I was too busy yelling. Yeah. Yeah. That's fair. Yeah. There was there was quite a few times where because the main character is a lawyer and then other lawyers are telling him very blatant Like lawyer things. Yeah and being like yeah, don't talk to the press. It's like no shit. Why do you pay this man? Working in a law firm for ten years But he's gonna go visit someone in the hospital who has a claim against him get out of here Yeah, so many times

He will spend most of the last two-thirds of this movie being like I gotta go say I'm sorry for hitting that little girl Yeah, Larry's in there and he's watching that kid you better not fuck with Larry. Yeah, there's no cursing Yeah, oh no, please please Good because this is a fucking Larry house Yeah, oh no, please Good because this is a fucking Larry house We'll get into it more well They got to save it the people who haven't watched the movie who are listening this podcast have no idea about how cool Larry is Sweet lawyer called Larry the lawyer so

Eli just in general how bad was this movie film? So, Eli, just in general, how bad was this movie film? Well, if you want to write a Christian film dependent on your truly terrible ideas, but you're a little distracted by that texting and driving ticket you got outside the Wendy's down the street from your studio, you will love this movie. Look, we've watched 507 Christian movies. I've seen a lot of personal agendas displayed across the silver screen, but it has never been more apparent to me that I could do an LA records lookup for texting and driving tickets and find the writer's name than I

have with this film right here. I had a thought with during the movie in the one frame, there's an older lady who's being questioned by cops and she's like, if they weren't on their darn phones. And I decided of thought with during the movie in the one frame, there's an older lady who's being questioned by cops and she's like, if they weren't on their darn phones. And I decided that that this whole movie is that woman's hallucination of kids on their phone. These. Yeah, this is hers. She's having a stay. Yeah. She's doing a stay. I get it. When the movie finished, this is he turned to me and she's like, this is just some boomers metaphor.

They looked around while driving on the highway. I was like, why are we going so slow? And saw somebody probably watching one of my TikToks, honestly, while in a Prius with too many bumper stickers on the back. Kids with their fuel injections. We had carburetors. Yeah, it's a lot of-

The ad let in the air like God intended. All right. Is there anything y'all would like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Well, I know you had a lot of thoughts, Mrs. P, about set design. Oh, yeah. Okay, listen, in the opening scene, the wife is drinking from a cup of coffee and as she sips it, there's still a home good sticker on the top of it.

And then I store the bottom of it. And then I'm looking around. Everything still has tags. Yeah. What everything on the walls is clearly bought from the beach section at Home Goods or Ashley furniture. I was so mad about set design the whole time. I like to think that she's got a mug from somewhere else, but she's an enthusiast of

Home Goods the brand. Yeah. And she just wants she's just enthusiast of Home Goods, the brand. Yeah. Yes. And she just wants, she's just showing her, her loyalty there. I would like to nominate this movie for having the best cameo by sitting United States Senator Marsha Blackburn. Wait, is that for real? Did you guys notice?

You guys didn't notice? I didn't notice that. She's in the movie. She's the payroll manager. Get out of here. What? noticed that. You know, she's in the movie. She's the payroll manager. Tennessee senator, US GOP Senator Marsha Blackburn, who was about to run for governor of Tennessee, a huge bag of shit, terrible person. We're watching it. And at the evil corporation that I don't think

is supposed to be evil, the guy's gets fired. The manager is like, says something about China. She's like, yeah, China's coming to my job next to selling along those lines. Oh, she's Janet from HR. Yeah, no, she it her name her name actually in the credits because I actually sat through the credits just to see her name pop up. I also googled to make sure. Yeah, that is really her because there was a moment where like, am I racist is every old white woman and exactly. Yeah, no, it actually is her. It is Marcia Blackburn for some reason is in this fucking movie. Wow. What an insane poll. Once you realize that there's so many points throughout the movie where they're complaining about welfare, how much welfare pays out that

the US healthcare system, legal jurisprudence, all these different things. I'm like, yo, you mean all the things that Marcia Blackburn spends all of her time blocking? Okay. It makes so much sense. The movie gets distracted by its own grievances like 19 times. That makes so much more sense that Marsha Blackburn was on the set naming grievances. She's in like the first seven minutes. I was shocked and Mrs. P was yelling at me because I was writing my notes into the central dock and she was like, they'll notice that you've noticed Marsha Blackburn. I was like, I feel like there's so many notes in here,

no one will see it. Okay. We are so glad to see Marsha Blackburn have her named and shaped. Yeah. Well, I was gonna go with best worst naming stuff in the movie. So first of all, our main character's name is Ben.

Ben Stills. Very clearly they were like, Ben Still, don't say Still, or Stills. Main character. And then also there's a company that is supposed to be solving cancer somehow. And the name of that company is Lancer.

They just rhymed it. And the full name of that company, because they wanted to make it evil is Lancer Multinational Corporation LLC. That's the full name of the company. Interesting. Because it has to be multinational because I pinged the Marsha Blackbird thing immediately because she blamed China, even though we know it's the law firm that's embezzling.

Yeah. Well, China's coming for my job next. And I'm like, what is she talking about? Yeah. Also, Lancer is fighting cancer, but I think they're also causing it because it's clearly a mill. Yeah. It's not a medical place at all. None of it. Like they have all parts, and then they just labeled everything wrong. I think that's what happened. They're not even like, they didn't invent like, a Lansing device that Lances a tumor.

It's supposed to be like a shitty medical company that's doing fraud, and they're called Rhymes with Cancer. I think they heard Lancet in relation to medicine, and they were like, well, we can't take that one, Lancer! There we go. Free, and I'm can't take that one. Land, sir. There we go. Free. And I'm going to go with best worst switch of plot line. So this movie is 47 seconds long and the first 46 seconds of it are about shrunk down. Dennis Leary. Who's that fucking actor? Oh, Casper van Deen. Yes, Casper van Deen. Shrunk down. Dennis Leary is working

main character too hard at his job. And then about two seconds before the end of the movie, he hits a child with his car. And it's about that now. Yep. Yeah, yeah. They don't know. They don't know. It's so bad. This movie makes no sense. It was the longest 85 minutes of my life. It's rough. All right. We're going to take a quick break to think about what the movie might be about

that we're going to talk about and then we'll be back to tell you all about, Acquitted by Faith. Hey Eli, have you seen the muffin pan? Oh, you mean this muffin pan? Yeah. Why is it taped to your stomach? It's called absculpti-keith. 48 hours of this and I'm going to look

just like I have an eight pack. From a Muffin Tin? Yeah. Right. So look, Eli, summer is just around the corner and the folks at Mint Mobile have a hot take. Getting a summer bod is out and getting your savings bod, that's what's in.

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All right, Heath. Guess I won't need this anymore. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, does it look good? You look like a recently pregnant possum. I was afraid of that. In a bad way. Yeah, no, look good? You look like a recently pregnant possum. Ah, I was afraid of that.

In a bad way. Yeah, no, I got it. Hey, podcast listener. I'm Heath Enright. And I'm Eli Bosnik. As some of you already know, it's Matrion. That time of year when we beg you extra hard for money. Please! Just like that.

But when you support our shows, you're not just helping us eat and making the shows happen. You can also add all sorts of fun to the pajama party and even our lives. And this year, you can send Noah and Lucinda Lusions on a Northern Lights cruise in Alaska. That's right. Lots of folks asked us to have some nice goals for Matreon this year, and we pretty much can't think of a nicer thing to do for Noah and Lucinda than send them to see the space colors. I mean, besides going to outer space itself, but Katy Perry took their spot.

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And remember, any new and upgrading patron to the show helps the cause. Matrion because Noah and Lucinda will be super psyched about the space lights. They really will. I love those space lights. And we're back and we're going to open up with some ominous amazing satellite technology and what uses satellites? Cell phones. Yeah, it wasn't until I watched this movie for a second time.

Yes, I watched this movie for a second time. Uh huh. Rough. And it wasn't until I watched it for a second time that I realized that this entire opening science montage is to make us afraid of the cellular phone. I, when I saw the opening montage, I thought it was like, Oh, this is a X-Files Sense8 knockoff. It does have a little bit of a Sense8 rip to it.

I just was, I wondered what their budget was for stock footage. This is just stock footage that just running on loops over and over and over again. Yeah. It felt real. We got the big packagey. Yeah. Right. And then they set up the thing with the cell phones. We get a car crash. We get like an Austin Powers vehicular homicide in crazy slow motion, but it's supposed to be a full on car crash. We get like an Austin Powers vehicular homicide in crazy slow motion, but it's supposed to be a full on car crash. Yes. And the one thing I do want to say before we get started is we watched this on Amazon Prime, which caught us off guard because it's been a long time. I use my dad's Amazon Prime

logged in. I forgot that Amazon Prime has ads now. Yeah. And so we sat through so many ads. Oh, it's an hour and a half of ads. It's an hour and a half of ads. And then on top of that, though, every time I could pause to discuss another ad would pop up on the screen. Yep. So this was brought to us by Tide and Vanguard. So many different things.

So as I was pausing during this little weird part, it is like to me, it's also interstitial accidentally with insane consumerism. A hundred percent. As I was pausing during this little weird part, it's like to me it's also interstitial accidentally with like insane consumerism. 100%, yes. I always get crazy like Midwest versions of that for like the Republicans who are gonna be watching this Christian movie. So it's like roofing and like tactical work boots

and shit like that. Oh, gotcha. Yeah, get your ice patches here. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah, no, the car crashes was weird because I thought, going into it, obviously we read the promo where it's like, hey, this is about a car crash and something and Jesus. So when we're seeing a car crash, I'm like, oh, cool, we're getting right into the car

crash because this should be a movie about 85 minutes of getting over or trying to get through this crisis. And then when it's not Casper Van Deen, who's the actor, when it's not him, and it's just some hipster lady, I was like, what the hell is happening? Also her texting on that brick of a cell phone, driving 20 miles an hour. I'm like, she can stop. It's such a slow roll. She doesn't go through the stop sign that fast.

This is an important part of Christian cinema. Obviously, it's your first time on the show, so you don't understand, but it is mandatory in all Christian movies that the technology be at least 20 year I was wondering why we didn't have an iPhone. Yeah. It's a Blackberry from 1997. This movie was made in 2020. Yeah. And they definitely could not afford a car crash in the movie because they spent a lot of their money on, I guess, stock footage of cell phones in cars. Yeah. So we just get this like terrible version of it. But yeah, it's supposed to be a texture driving and crashing.

That's it. And then we cut right over to one of our main characters played by Casper Van Deen. He's the dad named Ben Stills and he's talking, you know, business biz dad stuff as he walks down the stairs to breakfast. Oh my God. It's rare that we have seen a scene so filled with I am expositioning my exposition, the exposition scene.

Although I will admit, I did like that at one point, cause he's talking about what a bad day, oh, I'm sorry I missed your soccer game. I'm sorry. I missed your ballet concert But then at one point he turns to the wife and he says i'll make it up to you, honey I'm not going to tell you what it is kids I wanted the daughter to be like it's kind of lingus we know I was blown away because again, I picked the movie based just solely on the name When castor bandine showed up, I was, Oh, maybe this won't be so bad.

I loved him in Starship Troopers. Then I immediately started thinking, I'm like, Oh, no, I haven't seen him in anything since. Wait a second. And I was like, No, the Dean Cain curse strikes again. Oh, yeah, he's in the Dean Cain curse for sure. He was in Starship Troopers. Yeah. Also Starship Troopers three, four and five. Not in the cast for part 2, Heroes

of the Federation though. I think it was some sort of rift. Or they were like, we got to get fucking Vandeen back. We got to do better than Casper Vandeen. Yeah. Well, I kept being like, isn't that what's his name? Conan's friend? I couldn't remember his name. Oh, this is so funny. I was like, I know who I'm picturing. It's not this guy. So I kept Googling, trying to figure out.

I know this actor is Conan O'Brien's friend. But let me tell you something. When you put Conan O'Brien's friend in Google, guess what happens? A number one fucking podcast. And I was going to say, I feel like Obama is O'Brien's friend. I could not figure it out. It was Timothy Olyphant. Timothy Olyphant. I was like, he looks like a T-Mu Timothy Oliphant.

And then I started screaming, Kaptur Van Deen came first. Because in my mind, he was in Star Trek Troopers long before Timothy Oliphant was in anything else. And then she was like, it doesn't matter. Timothy Oliphant is now the famous one. So he's the Kirkland version. And then I was just obsessed because Kaptur Van Deen's oversized trench coat So he's the Kirkland version. And then I was just obsessed because capture bandin's oversized trench coat that he's wearing makes him look like his body look really skinny, but his head look really big giant, real big head, bobblehead in this scene.

Yep. While he's like, I think it's also one of those things where again, I know that a lot of really bad movies do this where they run through all the tropes. And then this one is that lawyers are too busy for their kids. Yep. Yeah. And that's 100% the trope. And I'm like, are we doing a liar? Liar is where I was stuck. Yeah. I was a liar. Liar from the get. Right. This whole scene is just like exposition lightning round to establish

that he's a lawyer who works too hard. That's it. Yes. But and it may be the way it's shot or it may be the truth. But throughout this movie, Casper Van Deen's head seems so long. He looks like a boardwalk level cartoon, right? Like the thing is, and what do you like to do? Skateboard? Great.

I'll put skates on the cartoon. That's what he looks like throughout this film. Just a giant cube. It's like he's one pixel. It's like he's a very low res. Large pixel. His head is so large, he should have been casted to be the host of Wheel of Fortune. Yes, exactly.

You guys know about that? Pat Sajak? Yeah, Pat Sajak and Vanna White were both chosen in the end of the auditions because of the guy, the producer at the time, believed that people liked watching people with larger heads. Interesting. And they had, they were like, all the other things are equal. They looked at Vanna White and Pat Sajak and said, well, they have the biggest head, so we'll just

go to it with them. So like, that's old Hollywood, insane thoughts that I was just like, Oh, Eli, that's why you didn't get Book of Mormon. Oh, there it is. Big head. Bigger head than me. Yeah, certainly. I did not notice his head was big. I was very focused on the fact that he kept saying over and over again, I'm just so busy. I'm so busy. And then the rest of the 86 minutes, I didn't see him do one thing. Not one single thing. No, not once was he in a meeting or doing any work.

He didn't write any documents, file any complaints. He answered one email, one email and crashed a car. And the email he just saw, he didn't even know. Yeah, he saw one email. He hit a car. He didn't even open the email. He saw one. He hit a child. Yeah. Yeah. This was also early on too, where I noticed I was like, again, there's no, in every location,

there are no personal objects and nothing is lived in. So like their kitchen is clearly an Airbnb. Like there is not a single item. There isn't like a kitchen aid mixer out. There isn't anything out there. They literally went to Marshall's. They grabbed two items. They put them out and then they handed the kid like a Gameboy from 1994. Again, we're not even at iPods here. We're not even... No.

We're so far back. Yeah. Everything is what they found at the local thrift store. At the Goodwill. Yeah, absolutely. So much so that... Is that a zoom in the second to last shot of the movie, the mom will be working with a CD based Walkman. I was so mad. I was like, did she just plug in headphones for the player? And the car with her family in 2020 screaming that she's any time with her fucking family. And then she puts on headphones for the family car trip. What are you kidding?

Yeah So now we're gonna learn about Ben's conflict at work. He shows up at this Fancy executive dining room at his fancy law firm to see his boss named. Mr. Durwood We learn here that there's a problem with the Lancer company that the law firm represents. Yeah. So I'm going to clarify this for our listeners because the movie does such a terrible job of telling the story. So what's happening is his boss, miniature Dennis Leary, has been embezzling from their biggest client at the law firm, Lancer. And this scene sets up that he wants Casper Von Deane to fix it, right? Fix the paperwork, come up with some kind of strategy. But because they're doing that

thing that poor screenwriters do where they'll be like, the thing? You mean the client? Yeah, the client. Well, they're at it again. At it again? Yeah, at it again. Because that happens for the first 40 minutes of this film, you're just undoing the fucking Rubik's Cube of this script to try and figure out what they want and who they are. I'm very glad that you wrote down that the boss's name was Durwood because I referred to him as Evil Better Call Saul in my notes. Does he look so much like Bob Odenkirk? He really does.

Yeah. The part that got me was, okay, so they were inspired for this scene. It's Wolf of Wall Street. It's the scene Wall Street. Yeah. It's the scene where Leo sits across from Matthew McConaughey and they do the, mm. Yeah, yeah. It's shot exactly like that. It might be in the same place.

Yeah. It's the exact same window. It's the big thing up against the window. But the part that got me was the boss, Evil Beto Carlisle, is like, I can't say anything in front of the waitress, right? And so he waits, so like the waitress shows up. He like gets real quiet and real cagey. She walks away and immediately he starts screaming every crime they've ever done across the entire restaurant. He's like, I've been doing all this shit. I've hidden everything from them.

We've given cancer to every kid in goddamn Tennessee. And they're screaming it. And like, but like when the lady goes, no, everything's fine. I really thank you so much for the salad. To get this is like, that's the feeling it gets. Yeah. So the point is that the Lancer company is trying to cure cancer somehow, but they're doing a bunch of fraud. But also the law firm double build them or something. So the law firm might get in trouble.

That's that's about all we know Thank you for explaining it because it during the whole beginning movie. I was like I do not understand Mostly I was mad at first that he got that big breakfast and didn't eat any of it the full glass Oh Jay a big waffle on the table and he storms out leaves his phone and a waffle. I was so mad A waffle on a full glass of Fresh Press OJ. What are we doing? At least carry the waffle out. You can have a hand waffle loose.

Waffles are portable. Yes, exactly. No, let me tell you, this is a sin in our household, all right? Because Mrs. P has celiac. She can't eat waffles. And so the fact that this actor, in his choice, doesn't touch the waffle. Waste the waffle. Waste the forbidden fruit. Check your fucking privilege. But also I couldn't understand what the guy was asking of his

staff member in this moment. I was like, what does he want him to do? No, what he wants him to do is not use his PTO. Yeah. That's right. The entire first half of this movie is this Eaton Laws screaming, don't use your PTO. And me screaming, why don't you have a union? Oh, that's right. You're a lawyer. You fucking your PTO. And me screaming, why don't you have a union? Oh, that's right. You're a lawyer. You fucking bootlicker. And then they got it a whole side track. Yeah, yeah. Right.

So that's what's established. And then we see that Derwood leaves and forgets his phone, in addition to the orange juice and waffle. And we stare at the phone for so long. The movie does some music to remind you that you're staring at the phone for a while. I thought we were going to get like a big short arrow that's like, ding, this is his phone. The piano might as well be like, ding, phone. Look at this. Yeah. Then we cut to a new character

named Doug and he's getting fired by apparently Marsha Blackburn playing Janet from HR at the Lancer Company. Yeah, I think you guys, can you guys all now see my all caps note I wrote? It is literally United States Republican Senator Marsha Blackburn. Also her name, she was not HR, she was just listed as payroll manager.

He was not fired by HR. Yeah, he was fired by the payroll manager, which is somehow even worse. It's so much worse. She just walks up and she's like, we don't have money for you. Leave. I don't have a check for you this week. Yeah, get on out.

Yeah, just get, that's what you can't be here in this mill that cures cancer. Like, what the fuck are we doing? Also the entire company, Lancer, the entire company is covered by one sticker on a C clamp. Yeah. Yes, we see it as he's walking out of the job. We're like, this is Lancer. We're like, okay. Okay.

All right. So we established that there's something wrong. Showing and telling. I got it. Yeah. Also, I think it's implied. It's heavily implied that the boss stole so much money. That's the reason why Doug is losing his job.

Yes, absolutely. It's implied later in the film. It's implied but that's insane. Like that's so That like they no one would notice that he's stolen so much money that it's cost One single person, you know what I mean? Like if Doug was part of like a division that was being closed because of mismanagement But like they're like, no, no, we're really targeting in that God has written this story to really fuck over just Doug.

Just Doug, he really fucking hates Doug. If I could take one moral from this story, do not name your son Doug. Sure. God hates him. That is what the Lord has taught me. Yeah, and his best friend Skeeter. Yeah. This is like Doge cutting down on one thing of pencils,

for sure. Right, yeah, exactly. This is Doge cutting down on one thing of pencils for sure. Right, yeah, exactly. This is Doge cutting Lye heap grants for seniors. Not getting more money to build more dick rockets. Exactly. Well, we do need them. Yeah, we do. So Doug's fired and he goes out to his car where his wife and kid are waiting.

They just wait there all day, I assume. That's what I... Yeah, they wait for him to get out of work, I guess. Well, Marsha Blackburn cut all of the pre-k funding. Exactly, yeah. They just have to sit in the car? Yeah, and the little kid is clearly supposed to have cancer visually, but it's just a buzz cut with,

you can like see the full hairline. They let it grow in just a little too long before they started shooting. Right. Cause they told this girl like, Hey, if you want to be in the movie, you got to shave your head. And her mom was like, you can shave my daughter's head. I got to meet Marsha Blackburn. Yeah.

But then, you know, it took a couple of weeks to fit Casper van Deen's chin through the set. And so now her hair is just getting ever longer in every increasing scene. It's phenomenal. I will push back on this just a little bit. I think it's because it's implied that she, her cancer's in remission. So I think, I think that this is supposed to be like

a few weeks after she's done the chemo. Oh, okay. That actually does fit. That part does fit, but I did have the same exact thought as you of what a terrible parent who was just like playing a cancer kid. Buzz them. But also it's like she is only really bald in where she's visibly bald in this scene

and one other scene where it's with a part where the vision and when she's later with the bike chain moment, she could have been wearing a hat. So it's like they could have bald capped this. There's a bald cap. Any type of bald cap would have worked in this scenario. It would have been fine. Or just to cut her hair short and put a rag over it and be like, yeah, she has the-

Or she could wear a wig. Lots of kids that lose all their hair just have little wigs. Yeah, they wear wigs, yeah. Yeah, make it a very obvious wig. Like make it a purple one or something. And be like, why does she have a purple wig on? Oh, because underneath here I'm bald.

Yeah. That's all she had to say. They did not think through. No, they be like, why does he have a purple wig on? Oh, because underneath here I'm bald. Yeah. That's all she had to say. They did not think through. No, they were like, no, we need real. We need to buzz that kid. Buzz her. Any of this. It's gonna make the montage later in this film so sad. So much more dramatic, dude.

United States Senator Marsha Blackburn does not do half measures. Yeah. When Marsha Blackburn asks you to shave your child, you shave your child in her church. Yeah. Right. But dad's fired and he's got a kid with cancer and he's like, who wants to go to Chick-fil-A?

Incredible. Incredible move. Yeah. Got to plug the homophobia chicken in. Sure do. You know what I'm hungry for? The end of other people's rights. That's right.

Okay. So they head to Chick-fil-A and then we're back home with the stills family and Connor, their son, is staring out the rainy window with vague childhood angst. Oh my god, I love Connor so much. I mean, look, I don't want to name names, but I'm just going to say that if there was a child version of someone on this podcast, perhaps a guest for the first time who was in this movie, it's Connor who will just tell everyone else in the film to fuck themselves the entire time. It's phenomenal.

I hate this kid. I hate him so much. I can call him Ferguson. I said, get out of here, Ferguson. Which is a callback actually to this week's episode of our podcast where I talk about the plight of growing up as a red-haired kid in America. But yeah, I started- There are dozens of us.

Yeah, I started screaming at the kid. I'm like, I hate this ginger kid. I don't even like ginger. And yeah, I was like, why does this scene even exist? Again, I understand they're trying to still double down and establish. A good writer would have established in the first scene with the kids that dad isn't around that much. And then instead they keep peppering this through because like the kid has to talk to the mom about how dad isn't around and I'm sad about it. And then the dad has to mention to the

secretary about it. And then the mom has to bring it up. And then there's has to be passive aggressiveness sprinkled throughout the entire thing. It's just so much extra shit. Yeah, we got it. You did a lightning round of exposition already. We were fine. Yes. Did not need this. It's so poorly written. She literally says the words out loud, I don't know how to reach you in the scene. She might as well say is my character's motivation at the end of her sentence. Yeah. I think the other thing that I don't know if you all picked up on, but by the end of the movie, I was screaming bloody murder.

The mom's accent changes. So much. Wildly. What the hell is that? She opens up, she was just like a random Midwestern mom in the opening scenes of the film. And by here, she's British. Yeah. She'll spend a little bit of the movie British And by here, she's British? British?

Yeah, she'll spend a little bit of the movie British. Yeah, like sassy cockney. Mm hmm. Yeah. See, the thing is, I think she's found a special type of acting school. It's called Every Scene is a New Choice. Yes. It's 100% a new choice.

She said this is going to be a clippable movie. Yeah. Nobody's going to make it all the way through, so we got to get each clip. I got to be a whole different character. And she doesn't want to be pigeonholed like the guy who played Bubba Gump. Yeah. He got typecast. Everybody thought he was very specific. So she was like, I want people to think I'm British. I want them to think I'm from the Midwest. I want them to think I'm French. What if the whole movie was my demo reel? When they were fighting later in the film about date night, she was

like Swedish or something. Yeah. It's later in the film about date night, she was like Swedish or something. It's all over the place and nothing makes sense. But this is where I first noticed it when she was like, I just don't know how to reach you. I was like, I'm sorry, what? I thought you were from Nashville. Star turn.

Did you say star turn? So from there, whatever, that's more established. We cut to the law firm and Mr. Durwood, he shows up and his ex-wife is already waiting for him in the office. And he gets to be sexist about women for a second while he's talking to the assistant. To a woman. Hey, y'all. Hey, y'all. Why this scene in the movie?

It doesn't make any sense. I think, okay, if again, I'm going to put on my bad writer hat. Take me there. I think they're trying to establish his reasoning for stealing the money is that he's going through a bad divorce. And so that's why he needs, but again, he's stealing millions. He's not stealing tens of thousands. He's stealing millions of dollars.

And so as we get an offshore account, which he's going to then flee the country, I'm one Doug's worth of money. Yeah, I was more. I was more caught off guard that the wife, the ex-wife looks like she's a parks and rec character with like she's this huge blown out hair. She's wearing a white suit for some reason. It's shot like the framing is really crazy because she's shot so insane. They must have found the AD from like a cologne commercial and they were like, that guy knows

how cameras work. Yeah, but it's like the better call Saul evil boss is standing in the front of the frame. She's way in the back, but then she like walks up and she like strokes him with like one finger. I was like, what the fuck is happening? What they're doing is a shoulder to shoulder two, which is like a multi-camera blocking from Telemundo. It's what you're supposed to do blocking wise when you turn around and slap your evil twin.

But they're shooting it from the wrong angle. So again, it just looks fucking insane. It looks like she's going to press the X button and do like a silent takedown on him. They also have not, they don't even have ex partner chemistry. No. No chemistry.

And here's the thing is that this movie came out in 2020 which means I'm assuming it was shot and written everything in 2019, maybe began in 2018. So the only thing this movie has going for it is the fact that I know it's 100% of human production. Yeah. And that actually makes it worse. I was told me that this scene was written by Chad Chee P.T. I'd be like, okay, fine. I'd throw my pen in the air and walk off into the distance. But the fact that a human being sat there was like, this is good shit. His ex wife is such a bitch. That's why he'd be a good man, but his ex-wife,

and you know, he's gotta steal one Doug's worth of money. I think that's what they're going for. She says like, I'll detach your flesh from your bones and sell it. And he's like, cool, good talk, end of scene. That's all they do. I interpreted her as a hero. I said, look at this righteous character coming in.

Well, he's a jit. She said, are you hiding money in the Caymans? Gotcha, bitch. And I was like, yeah, I'm on her side immediately. Yeah. Immediately, he's a dick. She said, are you hiding money in the Caymans? Gotcha bitch. And I was like, yeah, I'm on her side immediately. Yeah. Immediately on her side. It's not like she comes back in later. She's never seen again.

She's brought in to establish if she was like the ex-wife who's also a partner in the crime, then it would make sense. But again- She said, don't commit crimes. I think this is all just filler. She's righteous and full of the law and the Lord. I think they were aiming for a 90 minute runtime. They couldn't even fucking do that.

We have 20 extra minutes of exposition that somehow confuses us more. This movie should be 65 minutes long. This movie should be zero minutes long. That'd be great. That'd be great. So Ben arrives at work too here and we watch him, very importantly, put Derwood's phone into the glove box for later in the movie. So Ben goes upstairs, he meets with Derwood about the Lancer problem. Ben has figured out that Lancer actually owes them money for stuff,

so the double billing wouldn't count. I thought this was genius. Can I just step in real quick? Please. Okay. In the beginning, when you were like, this problem that they're coming up at breakfast didn't make sense. It needed to be explained to us. Cause I was like, I don't understand what the problem is. And then we figure out what the problem is.

He's been bedding money. He wants the guy to hide it. That's the task he's been given by his boss. Figure out how to hide my embezzlement. He comes back in and he says consulting fees. We're just going to say it was consulting fees, Bing, bang, boom. And then he tells them, go fuck yourself. But it was a good idea. If we're committing crimes, hiding them in consulting fees, I'm telling you that's how the government works right now.

It's also how law firms work. It's like, we're going to have billable hours. We'll just double our billable hours. We stole half the money. Oh, okay. Double our billable hours. What are they going to do? Sue us? We're a fucking law firm. Oh my God. Just yell lawyer, lawyer, lawyer, and then smoke bomb run out of the room. It was a good idea. It was a solution to the problem that this guy created. Okay. And then he's shit all over it. But here's the thing. He had to shit all over it Okay, the the bad boss had to show over You know why my or else there'd be no reason for this man to have to come back to the office later

Yes, yes Is about you have to be choosing your job over your wife According to the evils of the human world. Yeah, right and but the Lord Your family right so the boss was there was like you got until midnight to make it stick of the human world. Yeah. Right. But the Lord wants to keep your family. Right. So the boss, Mr. Dirtwood, is like, you got until midnight to make it stick. I guess we'll try out your thing, but I don't like it. And it's setting up like a magic pumpkin scenario for some reason.

It doesn't make sense. But Ben is like, no, I can't tonight. I'm having dinner with my wife. And it's not clear. They've just been like yelling at each other. Not clear who has any sort of upper hand in this power dynamic. The movie doesn't really know either. We cut from there to Connor and his friend Tim. They're at some sort of basketball camp or basketball practice and Connor is, you know, angsty. So he's being mean to Tim.

A little bitch. Yeah. I spent my entire childhood being Tim, the heavy set kid who just wants his friends to like him. But then then I got mean. So it's okay. It worked out. Everybody got me. Yeah, I like that at one point the coach because like the kids are talking back and forth and

the coach says this isn't going to cut it in college. I'm like, you're 11. They're nine. Yeah, these are like prepubescent boys. Maybe talk them through seventh grade first. Yeah, I feel like you're skipping. Yeah. These are like prepubescent boys. Maybe talk them through seventh grade first. I feel like you're skipping a couple of steps. Hey, when you get to high school, they're not going to like this. The teachers are going to expect more.

Hey, COVID is about to happen. Get used to Zoom. You're never going to have to do gym class again, buddy. Don't worry about it. Your prom is going to be on a screen. Yeah. All we set up here is that they're going to have a sleepover together that's going to be in the movie later.

That's it. Yeah. Everything is just set up for something else that doesn't matter. Yeah. They didn't need this. We could have just seen them at a sleepover and been like, oh, they're probably at a sleepover. Yeah. The only thing that has mattered this entire time has been Chekhov's Blackberry being put

in the glove compartment. Right. Exactly. And that in the glove compartment. Right. Exactly. And that'll barely matter too. Right. So then we see Sharon, who is the girl who had cancer, and she's walking her broken bike home and she runs into Laurie and Connor, the brother and sister. Where they just further exposit that she had cancer and her dad lost her job.

Something that we already saw two scenes ago. Yeah, I felt terrible in this scene. I felt so bad because the girl who's playing the cancer, Sharon, the cancer girl, she is like full of sweetness in life. Yeah. Oh yeah. The girl who's playing this character, she's doing it so well and I felt so bad for her because I'm like I can tell you know It's not as you see like a kid do a thing you're like I can tell this kid thinks this is gonna mean more than it is Yeah, meanwhile like the ginger kids just like whatever. This is my third Christian movie this month I don't do it Hallmark. I'm just doing this for my health insurance. Okay Sag out here. All right, Nashville's a right to work state.

But there's a moment where she says to them, she's like, oh yeah, you know, my dad doesn't have to work anymore, so we get to like, we're going to hang out in the RV more. And it was like the way she said it, it like broke my heart. But then the ginger fuck, it's like looks are dead in the face. That means you're homeless. Right in the fucking face. You hate the counter, you're such a dick. Mrs. P was screaming the entire time. Okay, let in the fucking face. What the fuck? I fucking hate Connor. He's such a dick. Mrs. P was screaming the entire time.

Okay. Let me tell you why I was so mad. I was a bike messenger for years, right? So I got a lot of bicycle knowledge. So as soon as this little kid comes walking up, I'm like, oh, her chain's off. Her chain's off, right? It's such an easy fix. So when she comes up, she's like, oh, why aren't you riding your bike?

My chain's off. All Connor had to do in this moment that little bag of shit Chain back on for her. He's old enough. He should know how or he could figure it like you look at it It's easy simple fix very easy instead. He makes fun of her for being homeless and then walks away after she just like Spits out into the world all these horrors. Yeah, and he's like whatever we gotta go I'm gonna go bully my friend who's not really my friend. I was so mad just fix herrors. Yeah. And he's like, whatever, we got to go. I'm going to go bully my friend who's not really my friend. I was so mad.

Just fix her bike. Yeah. Yeah. I wasn't proud, but a couple of times I was like, I hope Connor gets cancer. I hope Connor got hit by the car. No, listen. Anyway, I'm sorry. This is Connor's Spider-Man moment.

In the Spider-Man backstory, he's a professional wrestler for a minute and he doesn't stop a robber from rob from the promoter. Okay. And that robber later kills Uncle Ben. God, if Connor had fixed the bike chain, then his dad's dad never would have run over that little girl. Yeah. Yeah.

Yes. Because apparently she is covering, I think, 17 miles on foot. Yeah. That was a long walk. It's a long walk. It's it's right after school. They see her right after school. That's 2 p.m.

Yeah, and the mom's like, remember, she's like, we'll go look for her if she's not back in 15 minutes. Yeah, and it's still daylight, and then she gets hit, and it's very late at night. Pitch black midnight. Yeah, we see Doug, the dad here, get home from the unemployment office

at the house and talk to his wife, and she's mad, he's like two hours late, whatever. And they yell about the kid having the bike ride and he makes the worst comment ever. He's like, yeah, I'm having trouble getting a job. Maybe you start an Etsy or something. She's like, fuck off, get a job. Using a computer I bought you. Sell some pictures of your feet.

Nevermind. Sorry. Come on. I actually think that they use, babe. Only fans? Never mind. Sorry. Come on. I actually think that the use that computer I bought you lying proves how old the writer is. Or at least the producer. Because everyone has a fucking computer.

Everyone has a computer. Everyone has a smartphone, right? This movie was written in 2020. This comes from the mind of somebody who was like, computers are a thousand dollars. You know what I mean? Back in 1985, I bought my wife an Apple IIe. I bought one for the whole family. We kept it right there in the living room next to the TV.

Yeah, and then Connor was always in there at 2 a.m. with the door open. Anyway, but there's like that part of it, because I was like, use that computer I bought you. It's just such a crazy line, where it's like, why don't you go online? Like that's what you should say. Like, why aren't you going online and looking for a job is what a human would say in that moment.

The other part that got me again, because sitting current US Senator Republican Marsha Blackburn is in this movie, Doug complaining about how long the unemployment office takes because they're understaffed while the woman who is personally voting down, hiring more staff for the unemployment office is in the movie, drove me insane. Yeah. Yeah. I am screaming at the movie. If you have a problem with this, talk to the United States Senator that's right there.

That's in the movie. Yeah. Meanwhile, we now have less. They're like not only the unemployment, but also the social security staff. Oh my God. They might as well have like a dinner where they don't have enough food and then they get a visit from their milkman Ted Cruz. And he's just like, all right, well, none for you tonight, I guess.

Bye bye. You know who I heard I thought that is? Venezuela. I also wrote down here, I was just because again, they keep showing the cancer walk during this little segment. And it's just the most menacing shot of her feet at night. It's just her feet at night and the dangling bike chain. Which should be always dangling over Connor's head for the rest of his life.

Oh, like when the ghosts come back in Muppet Christmas Carol. Yes. It's the bite chains. I love that movie. Marley and Marley. Marley and Marley. That's such a good movie. Perfect music number.

Yeah. All right. So from there, we cut to later that night, mom, Lori and Connor are having dinner together and Lori's curious where cancer comes from. The answer is God, according to the movie. Just keep that in mind. Well, that's because this is pre-Maha. This is a pre-Maha.

Right. Obviously. We don't know about seed oils yet. But also, I want to point out that it's probably now is Connor, what Connor said is probably what most of this movie's audience believes. That cancer is caused by pizza. Because that's what RFK Jr. would say. Yeah, exactly. You can't have a cancer pizza.

So mom tries to make Lori feel better and says, like, don't worry, you're not getting cancer. Right as mom says that, we're looking at a giant platter of chicken nuggets and fries. And I was like, I don't know. I don't know. Maybe. I just need to step in. Mom comes in the frame dressed in the most tacky ensemble I have seen. Again, I'm just yelling about this mom a lot.

New accent. She's German, I think, in this part. She is German at this point. I know I can confirm. She's German. And she has on earrings and necklace that indicate she is going out and she is from New Jersey. But she's wearing a boob top dress that's like very scandalous, but a housewife apron

over top that's really bright and colorful. So when she walks in the screen, I was like, is she topless? Because you couldn't see her dress underneath. And I'm looking at all this gaudy jewelry and then she sits down. Her hair looks like it's from the 90s prom section because she's got the two tendrils down and she starts not explaining to her children what cancer is. So you need to understand is is earlier in the movie they set up that the husband's going

to take her out to a nice dinner. Yeah. What you didn't understand is a nice dinner is at Kid Rock's Nashville rock bar. It's the Kid Rock Honky Tonk. Me and your father are going to share a fish bowl of tequila tonight kids and I need something loose to get arrested in. Yeah, but don't worry. We're going to ball with the ball.

Yeah. And just to make sure we know it's a Christian movie, Lori says grace here for their chicken nuggets and fries. make sure we know it's a Christian movie. Lori says grace here for their chicken nuggets and fries. And I liked that she thanks God in advance for making Connor stop being a piece of shit. That was fun. We need more passive aggressive graces. Yeah, it was the most Protestant thing I've seen in this whole movie. Yeah.

That was fun. God didn't succeed by the end of the film, by the way. No, no. Connor's a dick. So So from there we cut back to the law firm and Mr. Durwood is yelling at his assistant Bella about the Lancer thing and he says this is Enron reincarnated and I was like, okay, this is Pretty much nothing like Enron like the movie seems to know like Enron business bad will say Enron here. That's yeah Yeah, so weird. I wanted Bella to be like what will say Enron here. That's bad.

Yeah. So weird. I wanted Bella to be like, what happened with Enron, Mr. Durwood? Yeah. Explain yourself. I have to talk about one line from this scene that I found so confusing. As Casper Vandien is leaving, he tells his secretary that he and his wife have a reservation at the melting pot.

Now I assume they don't mean the fondue chain in the middle of the fondue chain. For sure. But if they do, that's the most bizarre poll for a screenplay I've ever, he might as well say, I've got us a table for two at Ruby Tuesdays. That's ridiculous.

The melting pot's delicious. I just looked it up. There is a melting pot in Nashville, Tennessee. My God. There you go. It's on Second Avenue. It does say that it is temporarily closed. I don't know why. Today, we're recording this on May 16th.

It is temporarily closed. Her outfit makes even less sense. When you got to go to the melting pot, you need to be in flexible clothing. Yes. You need to be in stretchwear. Yeah. You need to have arm mobility because you're going to be in inflexible clothing. Yes. You need to be in stretchwear. Yeah. You need to have arm mobility because you're going to get in there. You're going to be grilling your own shrimp and cooking meats and butter sauces.

You got to be able to move. You can't be dangling trashy jewelry. Athletic wear. That's what you wear to the melt. This is where yoga pants come in clutch. Mom's dressed like for the Met Gala here. It's a lot. What happened to your melting pot?

Are you talking about the time when I literally shit myself at the melting pot? That's the thing that's actually happened to me, yeah? Yeah, I was going to break it up. I was going to break it up. I could see the twinkle in your eye. Because that twinkle, that twinkle for me never hit the toilet. I got up at melting pot, went to the bathroom, threw out my underwear and came back and I'm like, let's leave this place.

I don't like cooking my own food. Because anyone's never been to the bathroom, threw out my underwear and came back. And I'm like, let's leave this place. I don't like cooking my own food. Because anyone's never been to the Melding Bar. I always heard like fondue like, okay, cool. I guess we're dipping things in cheese and chocolate. And they're like, no, we also like, you have to cook your own meat. And I'm like, I don't want that. Why am I paying you for me to cook my own boiled oil?

You do it. Yeah, fuck you. No, I'm not. No, what? This entire thing is a grift Absolutely, which is how probably how Sharon got cancer. She went to is the melting pot of sponsor of this podcast. Yeah, I God know I'm trying so hard but no they're not I mean we have a button on too many tabs our podcast that I would love all your listeners to listen to that whenever I say Something that we worry about I just hit this

Covered. Covered. I like it. At the beginning of this though, is I love that the evil boss was, I wrote down, I did a crime. Where's the guy I bullied to cover up my crimes? Because he's just, he's such a, like, here's the thing. If you do a crime and you have somebody else who is supposed to cover it up because you

can't do it, you're supposed to be nice to that person. Yeah. You're supposed to give them PTO. Exactly. Let them have vacation time. Also, it then brought us into, because Casper Van Dien gets called back in, even though I guess we never saw it, I think he was supposed to have a moment where he was like, fuck this. I love my family too much.

And he goes home. Not his family, just his wife. Just his wife. Right. Yeah. He hates the kids. Loves his wife. He goes home and then like all it takes is one call from the secretary. He's like, okay, I guess I'll go back. And then he has to have the conversation with his wife. And that's when I wrote down a divorce is cheaper than whatever this job is.

Just either get divorced or just leave this job. But you're a lawyer. Yeah. Go get another law job. Like, I don't understand. They're not hard to come by. No, they're not. But this is we I have some notes here from Mrs. P. This is you lost your mind about how

this dead this bedroom is decorated. Yeah, because it was actually furniture gone wild in there. It looks so bad. And then there was this candelabra that was on their bedroom wall that had six inch white dining room table candles in it. That if you lit these candles, it would catch this entire room on fire. Light your entire room on fire. I have a note about that as well.

Yeah. And I couldn't stop staring at it because every candle was the wrong direction and there were so many of them and she's crying in her tube top dress about not getting to go to the melting pot. And I'm just like, ma'am, I need you to reflect on your, a lot of your decisions here. And she was Dutch at this point. And I think maybe he likes her a lot because he comes home to a new lady every night. Exactly.

Yeah. Polyamory without the hassle. Yeah. Also, the curtains are drawn. The ugly curtains are drawn. And I think they use clips to hold them shut because this scene was shot at noon, but it is supposed to be night. But they were unable to actually black out.

They should have put paper over the windows. Yeah. Right. Behind the curtains. Because I could still see daylight coming through the curtains. And he's like, it's very late. I'm sorry that we can't go to our very sexy late night dinner. I have to go work all night at my job where it's already night. And then he'd say that and she's like, I hate you. And then he goes, so we're good.

And she says, they're not good. And then he said, so weird. He tries to Han Solo her? Yeah. These aren't the droids you're looking for. But yeah, he promises to come meet her at the melting pot after doing a little bit more work. So he drives to work too fast.

Real quick, real quick, because Mrs. P looked this up. I have to say this. He says, I'll meet you and then we'll stay at the Vanderbilt and they make a big deal. And Mrs. P looked up the Vanderbilt in Nashville. This is all because, again, this never told us where this movie is filmed, but I looked it up because there's a scene in the beginning where he's leaving the Hermitage Hotel and I said, oh, the Hermitage, that's in Nashville. Is this all in Nashville? So I looked it up and it is.

And so then when he's like, listen, baby, I'm going to book us at the Vanderbilt. And I was like, I've been to Nashville quite a few times in my life. I don't think that's a fancy hotel. The Hermitage is. They didn't stay there. But I looked it up. And what was the Vanderbilt? It's a Hampton Inn.

Fantastic. But I looked it up. And what was the Vanderbilt? It's a Hampton Inn. Fantastic. He's like, I'm going to make up for everything by taking you to the Hampton Inn. You're getting the red roof tonight, baby. Baby, you're getting a continental breakfast. And I'm going to eat you up and down. If the waffle machine isn't broken, you can go buckwild on that thing tomorrow morning. We're going to go from wet sausage to cold eggs.

Well, that works. And Beth is like, OK Hampton in Hampton in. Yeah we're good. So Ben drives too fast and everybody watching is like I wonder what will happen now. He gets a call on the phone that he took from his boss apparently. The call says basically, Evil Offshore Accounts Bank LLC. That's the call. He puts the phone back down, but he keeps staring at it. The phone's like on the floor of the passenger seat.

He's staring at it even longer, and he finally hits Sharon, the girl with the bike. But it just gets to a comic level of negligence, right? Because this whole movie will spend the rest of the time being like, aren't we being a little harsh on the guy who hit a little girl with his car? And so look, if it was the first part of the scene

where he just glances at the phone and hits the kid, I could see where this movie is coming from, kind of. But by the end of it, he might as well be typing with his toes while doing a yoga hand bridge. Also, he, I don't think he's actually type like he they, they, from this moment forward, they keep yelling. He was texting while driving.

Right. He looked at an email. Yeah. He doesn't type, doesn't even open the phone. He doesn't open the phone. He like looks at like the, the preview screen that says we're doing a crime still. Yeah. Crime email. We're doing a crime still. Yeah. Crime, yeah.

We're doing Cayman crimes. He's also, also he's driving down a non-residential street. Why is this child there? It is, I believe, 1030 at night. It's midnight. No, it's just, it's bad parenting. How did she get cancer? Probably the parents' fault.

I'm, you know what? I want to, I'm going to say it right now. Pizza. It was pizza. It was the pizza. I'm telling you, the pizza seed oils are getting the children. Also, every time they showed him driving while he was fumbling around with the phone. Yeah. And also when they did the shots panning on the car, it looked like he was trying to cut

a line of cocaine. It looked like a drug addict driving to get to the dealers. He was going so fast. Yeah. And then he's just scrambling around sweating. And I'm like, is this man going to his dealer's house or is he going to the melting pot? Are they in the same place? But also again, it's not even the same place.

It is boss's phone. So it was his phone and he was going back and forth doing lost stuff or maybe he was cheating on his wife or somebody he was fucking talking to. And there was a communication happening, then it would make sense. It's his boss's phone. He sees the crime. Okay, I got him. We got a crime. Yeah, we're done. Crime time. He doesn't need to look at it again. It's not like it flew out the fucking window. I'm trying to grab this phone because he had put it down on the passenger seat. It falls onto the floor. He's in like, Oh no, it's on the floor. So now he's driving with one hand while reaching down.

Again, he's also on a road with no one there. He could have stopped the car. There's so many things he could have done. He could have just pulled over. Yeah. He could have done anything except just mow over this girl at 90 miles an hour. Which by the way, huh? I want to point out she might have hit him.

Okay. I heard that by the end. Yeah. Also, this is the moment when I found out my wife is a monster because when he hit the child, it is such a comical noise. Oh my God. Scream laughs so hard woke up our own child. And then he gets out of the car and he starts screaming for help. And I'm like, you have two cell phones. And you're screaming into the streets for help. Yeah, that is what happened when you hit a tumor.

It's like, yeah, it does make that slide. And so we see Sharon, she's like bloody like a Jackson Pollock. It's crazy looking. And that's the end of that scene. And they're going to set up the rest of the movie with that, I guess. They aim it to in a way. It looks like Lois Lane holding Superman's corpse. 100%. Yes. It is so crazy as he's there. And like, again, empty. It was an empty road. It's a non-residential street. Suddenly now it's in the middle of a neighborhood and he's surrounded by all of these people who just walk outside at 1030 PM. Yeah. It's so fucking insane.

Yep. It's insane. Looks like we're going to be exploring phone-based vehicular manslaughter. And I guess the extent to which childhood cancer is an aggravating or mitigating circumstance for the God of the universe. We're going to need a quick break to think that over. Then we'll be back with more, acquitted by faith. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey podcast listener. You know, here on Godawful Movies, we like to make our ads little sketches for your amusement.

And so you'll listen to them. That's right. But sometimes we like to take a moment to remind you that one of our sponsors just plain rocks. And that's the case with BetterHelp. Mental health awareness is growing, but there's still progress to be made. 26% of Americans who participated in a recent survey say they have avoided seeking mental health support due to fear of judgment.

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That's better help. H e l p dot com slash awful. And now back to the show. All right, everyone, listen up. We here at Big Christian Movie Company produce one thing and one thing only. Do you guys know what that is? Um, movies, not quite at the level of the Lifetime channel. Poorly shot stock footage?

No! We produce bad takes and we need new ones. How about Marry Your Abuser? Nope, we already got one of those. Religion Your Way Out of Debt? That's actually a subgenre within our genre. Yeah, a war. War's good. Done and done. We did a bunch of those. Okay, I think I've got one.

Go ahead. I think people are too hard on those that text and drive. Really? What? Hey, that's a bad take. Let's hear her out. OK, it's like I'm texting and yes, now I'm driving, but I'm not even supposed to look. Not even supposed to look. I've thought that too. I've thought that too.

Myself. Right. So what if the whole movie is about someone who has negligently texted and driven, but maybe everyone is being a dick about it. Wow. That is an awful take. Yeah. We're 100% making this movie.

Hooray! Oh, what about Fat Shaming Penguins? Dude, we already picked one. Fine, fine. Yeah, no, that one's good. And we're back. When we left off, an eight-year-old cancer patient was covered in raspberry sauce after getting hit by a car.

And now the cops show up and a witness is giving a statement. Well, she's giving a Facebook post that your aunt writes right before you block her. Yeah, for sure. It's AI and she doesn't know it. Yeah. Now Shrimp Jesus was driving the car. It's an old lady. She's definitely an unreliable witness.

She even states she's an unreliable witness through bad ADR. It's like sin. The lips don't match what she's saying. And then I lost my mind because the cop walks over to Casper Vandeen and Casper Vandeen immediately starts telling the cop information, which any lawyer. Shut the fuck up. You're a high powered scumbag lawyer that works for a cancer partnership firm. And you're talking to the cop.

Why are you talking to the cops? That's rule number one. Listen, I've been on TikTok for four years. I know not. There's a guy who has too many links. His name's Kev and he snaps at the camera and he goes, tell him big Kev sent you. And every single time he does, shut the fuck up. You see a badge? You shut the fuck up. You know what's the standard? If the cop asks me like, I don't know anything about cards. That's what it should be. And the cop just starts like doing all this different random shit. He locks him up and then the cop pulls out a phone.

This is incredible. As someone in the legal field, when he took a picture of him and he used personal phone, I was like, I'm sorry, are Miranda rights to joke? What are we doing? He didn't. He did give Ms. Miranda though. Yeah. He read them give him his Miranda though. Yeah, he read them, but you can't take a picture of someone who has not been found guilty yet. That's crazy. Yeah. The other part is then so they throw him in the back of the car and then the cop calls

the greatest character in the history. But I loved her. I don't know what her name was, but she is Darla. Darla. Yeah. Yeah calls Darla who works at the Loosely say law firms, but she works for Larry the lawyer. Yeah and Larry This and whoever this old boomer that wrote this shit. I know that he thought that he was being making us hate Larry Yeah, absolutely not camera pans. There's a single weight on a desk, not two weights, one weight.

A single weight. Single dumbbell. Larry's era of punching the sky. Yeah, his shadow boxing. His shadow boxing. While smoking. Really? Yeah, smoking, shadow boxing, lifting one weight.

Yep. And he says, Darla, what's the news? Yeah. He absolutely would have been doing Coke as his intro if this wasn't a Christian movie. If they weren't trying to capture the Christian market. This movie would have so much cocaine if it wasn't for God. I think he was doing cocaine and they cut it out somehow. The actor was doing a lot of the cocaine. Yeah. So at this point, I just want to point

out, I wrote my notes for the first time. Hey, are they going to make the villain of this movie the advocate for the family of a child that are they going to make the villain of this movie, the advocate for the family of a child that was just hit by a negligent driver? And yes, yes, they will kind of, they're not sure they lose focus a lot, but that's one of the bad guys is that lawyer. But Larry points out like, like the whole, I just from here on out all of my notes, almost every time Larry is on screen, I just wrote, get him Larry. Because literally, literally the entire time Larry is just like, Oh wait, who did it?

Casper bandene. He's rich. Let's get him. Oh yeah. That little girl, she got cancer. Oh, that's good for juries. He gets the money shakes. He just gets the money shakes over and over again.

He sure does. He might as well float over to the little cancer girl. Like she's a big pie on a wind show. Yes! Yes! 100%. If he could be played by a cartoon wolf.

Yeah, exactly. It's the only way he could be played less broadly. In a Hawaiian shirt, of course. Yeah, for sure. Meanwhile, during this entire time, the ginger kid is home with his chubby friend. Playing video games. Playing video games. Playing video games. And then he, I guess he never heard the accident.

Because I guess the dad wasn't that far away. From how fast the dad was driving, he didn't get that far from their house because he can see the accident out the window. Yeah. Right. Connor hears a siren and his immediate thought is like, I bet my dad did another manslaughter fight. And he walks over and sees police tape and he's like, that's my dad's car.

So yeah. Yeah. It's just so fucking crazy. There's just like that moment. I was like, wait, if we were to draw a map of how big this movie's universe is. Yeah. Like we're like, here's where all the moments happen in the movie. It would be maybe four blocks.

Yeah. There's no reason that girl would still be walking her bike home. She should have already been home. She should have been home. He had time to get home from the office, tell his wife that melting pot's been canceled or he'll meet her there and then go back to the office. And now he's driving home from the office again and she's still walking one block. Yes. But he's also like right around the corner from his house. Yes.

It just didn't make any sense to me. And also the mom's accent changed again. Yes. Yep. No, it does change. Keeps happening. So then we cut back to Larry's law for a second. Larry's telling Darla they're going to make some huge money on this because texting and driving is hot right now. Like as a legal topic. Super hot right now. Mrs. P, is that a thing? Is there like, you know, fads in the legal profession? Chasing trends? I was like, Was there like, you know, fads in the legal profession chasing trends? I was like, it's incredibly hard to prove. That's the whole thing is we were screaming by the end is you would have such a hard time proving this in court. Your one witness is a blind old lady who was on her porch.

Again, he was never texting. He, the phone was on the floor. He was reaching for the phone. He was not texting. There's no record. You have to prove that he was texting. There's no back and forth records. It was he got an email that said crimes. Yeah. You can't prove that he read the email because he didn't read the email. He looked at the preview. Oh my God. He was such an easy win. For a law firm, this is such an easy win.

For a law firm whose job it is to hide the crimes of a multinational corporation LLC. Yes. They are literally hiding the crimes of a multinational corporation LLC that I'm assuming just kills children all day. Yeah. Lost the world. And they're like, well, this one, this is going to be, this one's going to be tough. This is going to be real hard for us to not bury with mounds of cash. Can I tell you, going back to Larry's office real quick, because he was talking to Darla, I think her name was. Larry, again, he has the full money shakes on. And he immediately, I think he's already spent the money he believes he's going to get.

Yeah. But he's already started to spend it. He is shaking. And then one point, Darla says, are you going to pay me more than minimum wage? And he's like, well, hold on. I had to look it up. The minimum wage in Tennessee is $7.25 an hour today. Same as federal.

Which is the same as it is here in Pennsylvania. And so it's just like one of those things where, again, she's complaining about minimum wage. Do you know who has stopped the minimum wage from being raised? I have a guess. It might be the payroll manager, Marshall. Yes. Again, they are complaining about a thing that is federal law and a federal legislator who is on the side.

Is onset eating crafty. Who is there keeping it shitty. It's not like she's once been like, oh, you know, it's not like Bernie's there. And Bernie is playing the payroll manager who's like, yeah, you know. We's not like Bernie's there and Bernie is playing the payroll manager. He was like, yeah, you know, we should unionize private equity, right? Like it's, it's Bernie Sanders was an extra in this movie. This instantly becomes my favorite film of all time. It's going to be so great. And Bernie just walked in like the 1% hit children with their cars. Also, Larry does pushups next to the leather couch from Casting Couch. I just want to throw that out. It is the couch.

I recognized it. Yeah. I looked up and I went, I know that couch. I know that couch. Yep. He's so into fitness. I don't know why he's not wearing fitness gear. Yeah.

Every time we see him, he's doing a push up, an air punch. He's got the weights. I'm like, why isn't he in the outfit? He's just in Hawaiian shirt. Because they didn't have it at Marshall's. Sorry. You're right. Also, it's clear that his office apartment is in Florida.

It's clearly a Florida hotel. 100%. While everybody else is still in Nashville. Yeah. This guy's representing the Pope's brother at some point in his other life. Yeah, yeah. For sure.

So we got over to Beth and her mom. They're in the dark for some reason, and it's just to check in with them, and they describe what's happened to Ben, like, oh, well, they don't arrest a driver unless it's very serious, and I was like, yeah, oh, manslaughter, it's pretty serious. All this does is set them up to get another grievance

in there, probably from Marsha Blackburn, where they get mad at the lame-stream media of local news for covering the car accident. Well, I will say the media in this movie is unlike any media in fictional universe. That little girl got hit by a car and landed in the arms of a reporter doing a story on her getting hit by a car. Yeah, it is so crazy.

They're on there immediately. The only story that has ever been covered. Well I think basically they were like, okay, a girl with cancer. Is she white? It's a white girl with cancer. Is she blonde? She was before the cancer. Get down there. Get down there right away. Cancel everything else. Cancel everything else. Yeah, it was also... Also the grandma, the mom, new accent don't, you don't know what's going on outside and she opens the curtain to expose all of the press and what it would have

been the loudest situation that you couldn't hear. Yeah. Inside the house. Also the mom's act, the grandma's accent and the mom's accents do not vary different. They vary. So where is this mom from? I have no idea. Hilaria Baldwin strikes again. Yeah. Yeah. We see like an Iowa caucus happening in their yard with the media service. And yet nobody heard it until they opened the curtain. Right. Exactly. And then we cut over to Ben getting put in a holding cell and like cartoon felons are going to harass him for a second. Oh, steal your shoes and your butthole.

I just wrote down gay prison panic. It's gay prison panic. Yeah, exactly. But it's just holding. It's just holding. He's in there for all the 45 minutes. As Pat Lewis says, I went to jail. I didn't go to prison. It's gay prison panic through the eyes of a Christian movie that isn't allowed to make prison rape jokes. So it's just a series of people wandering by being like, don't drop the soap. It's so fucking weird. Yeah. I think the one guy was like, yeah, you look pretty girl. And the guy is because I'm not a woman. It's like, that's it. Like, that's all that. And then there's a there's the there's the large red haired guy who's like, I'll protect you. And then they're like, all right, you can leave. And then he goes, oh, I'm not in the movie anymore.

I was going to make a fish and hold my pocket because I know Starship Troopers. Kind of cock-blocking there. Whatever cop. Yeah. So Ben gets released. He walks out and we find out that Mr. Kroemer, he's the big partner at this firm, has bailed him out. Yes.

We initially meet Mr. Kroemer in a limo that I believe is owned by a strip club. Yes. Oh yeah. Because it is not a lawyer limo. It is the craziest. It has RGB lights running through it. It's like purple at first and goes gold. And I'm like, these are stripper colors.

This is a party bus. What the fuck? These aren't real lawyers. This is 100% a limo for vomiting your first ever Kaluah into. It is not what a partner in a law firm writes to work. The license plate says 99 bananas. Yes. 100%. 100%. Also, I thought because we only get one of the, I think these two old men, both of them in the limo are supposed to be the owners and the senior partners. Yeah. Like they're the names on the law firm.

But I thought we were getting into a trading places moment. Where like this was like, well, what if I can prove that I can save a man's soul by doing these things? You know what I mean? That would have been interesting. That would have been so much better. Yes! It would have been like, I thought that's what, or if I was, okay, if this was written

by a good writer, let me lean in. Okay, lean in. If this was written by a good writer, let me lean in. Okay. This is written by a good writer. These two, they wouldn't actually be lawyers or partners. One would be an angel and one would be a devil. Oh, yes. And then they see using this situation, it would be a job situation, right?

Where you have heaven and hell pitting against his soul, but his soul is actually being one with his family. God. That's how you mix this together. But we don't have good writers. No. Instead. We have them here. We have you here on this show. You're doing psychomachia? That's awesome.

Yes. Fucking yes. And if you want more of this, listen to our podcast, Too Many Tests. Do you guys pitch good movies on Too Many Tests, too? Listen. Available wherever you get your podcasts? Wherever you get your podcasts? Wherever you get your podcasts and on YouTube if you go to Perlmania 500, follow me on Instagram or follow Mrs. Perlmania 500 on Instagram as well.

You got pitched. Yeah. So I felt like the movie couldn't decide if Mr. Cromer was a good guy or a bad guy. He says a bunch of evil shit here. He's like, you're one of us now. One of us. Also, I was screamed. I was like, what does that mean to have you all run over

cancer-ridden children? Yes, that's what I thought it meant. Yeah. One of us. One of us. Yeah, right, exactly. But then he ends the scene by being like, just pray, Christian.

I'm a good guy now. OK, bye. And that's the end of the scene. They're going to try to have, I think, that guy, Mr. Cromer, be a good guy by the end. But it makes no sense. The implication in there is that he'd be like, oh, you want some time with your family?

Well, I have a buddy of mine who has a private plane in an island. You're like, whoa, what the fuck? Whoa, it is. Also, he tells him, watch out for the press. Don't speak to them. Then he drops him off directly in front of his house where there is no press. They forgot him. the press don't speak to them, then he drops him off directly in front of his house where

there is no press. They forgot. It's just not there anymore. The press has vanished. They will be back because it's clear also that the editor went crazy. The editor was like, we got to move the mom up. We got to move the mom in. We got to talk to them.

So we'll put the press here. Even though I think the press shows up the next day and that's where the scene with the mom and the thing, but they like fucked up the writing somehow. Yeah. Two people were sitting in front of a premier session going, it's fine, Chris. It's fucking fine. Yeah.

So Ben's out, he goes back home and then we see him wake straight up from a nightmare and he wants to go see Sharon who he hit at the hospital. But his wife, his wife Beth explains that the lame stream media is going to spin this against him. And I was like, the vehicular manslaughter, they're going to spin it against him. Yes. She's in a coma. You hit her with your car. Yeah. Leave her alone. Yes. Yeah. She's in a coma. You hit her with your car. Yeah. Leave her alone.

Yes. Yeah. That's it. That's all you have to do. It's like you're a lawyer. I know for a fact that you spent three years in school with every professor being like, if you hit a cancer kid with your fucking car, you leave them alone. You do not go to visit said child.

You shut the fuck up. You don't put anything in writing and you don't go towards the person that you hurt that's going to sue you. What? Yeah. Look, I'm not pretending I know what to do in the incredibly difficult situation of having hit a child with my car, but I definitely know it's not to show up with two commander decks to be like, so do you want to see the meta on the Lord of the Rings pack?

They're actually pretty cool. They're actually pretty cool. They're pretty cool. The Hobbit one has some cool food mechanics that you can work into like mono reds. Oh, you're crying. Okay. Yeah. No, no, this is perfect. I know exactly where she is. She can't leave. She's in a coma. Her parents will probably be there. We can work this all out at the same time. Yeah. But it's also, it's like, she's in a coma. What are you going to do? I'm going to say, I'm sorry. Well, she's not going to hear you. She's in a coma. What are you gonna do? I'm gonna say I'm sorry. Well, she's not gonna hear you She's in a coma. They think she's brain dead. Yeah fucking Harry Shibo lawyer. Yeah Larry was a bulldog in this scene though. Oh, yeah for sure

Yeah, so they argue for a second. Apparently they're gonna go see Sharon anyway, so now we cut to the hospital and Doctors are telling Sharon's parents basically explaining what coma means because they seem confused. Yeah. Dad is very upset that they don't have answers other than she sleep now we do our best. He's like, well, come on, try those shocky paddles. He seems like they're holding back on him. Yeah. Doug, who was supposed to have worked in some type of medical field at Lanser.

Again, I think it's a mill. He made sparks for their medical plan. Yeah, I think it's a mill. It's so crazy. The doctors are so terrible in this movie. There is so often where they're just like, here's the worst thing we could possibly tell a parent. And we're leaving.

And as a group... They always do a lean out. None of us are staying. Not even a nurse is going to stay in the room. They do it constantly, which is why they have to fall into the arms of Larry. Yes. Right. Because every time, the doctors will tell them the worst shit, and then they turn around

and Larry's there. He's like, I got a hug. I got a tissue. I have some cocaine. Yeah. I also have a lab coat that tissue. I have some cocaine. Yeah. I also have a lab coat that I stole to sneak into hospitals. Yeah. That's where we see Larry.

And then they spend a lot of time complaining so much about the American health care system and welfare and a bunch of other things about how none of it helps people. And I would like to remind the listeners United Statesuffalo is in this fucking movie. She's watching this scene be shot. She is standing just behind the camera eating a bear claw. And you know what her reaction to it? She's like, we should revoke S-Ship and take away children's emergency medical care. I don't like how that kid has all them machines. I'm going to do something about it.

I think less machines would be better. Maybe make that coma kid all them machines. I'm going to do something. Yeah, we think I think less machines would be better. Maybe make that coma kid work for it. Make him work for bootstraps. Yeah. So Larry pitches himself to Doug and apparently he's going to get hired to do a lawsuit about this. And then we cut to Ben. He's staring into a mirror.

He's kind of like taking stock of himself spiritually. And then the phone rings. This right here is where you need to pause the entire podcast for, I believe, 45 to 55 seconds, because that's how long he stares into the fucking mirror. Forever! He's waiting for acting to happen, guys. Meanwhile, there's a phone ringing and I just kept screaming, just answer the fucking phone.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. It looked like he was going to get mad at himself himself like a dog looking in the mirror for a second. Oh, have we given Casper Von D in the dot test? I think he might fail. I think he did fail it right here. Yeah. Yeah. But his wife Beth picks up in the other room and it's another evil reporter from the Lame Stream media. Which again, it's local. It's local news. Acting like it's MSNBC calling. No, it's Fox 14. Yeah. And they're like, Hey, any comment? And she's like, Fuck you, you blood sucker. Yep. And it's like, I cannot stress though, how the media, the local media would not care about a rich lawyer texting while driving. Not even a little. They'd be like, I hate to tell you, this is not a razor blade and candy.

No, we need something we can scare old people with. I heard the turtles at the zoo just had a new baby. And we're all there. We're all 100% there. We gotta cover. I'm sorry, I'm being told right now that Venezuelan gangs, we gotta scare whites with Venezuelan gangs, okay?

You mean to tell me that a lawyer named Van Dean hit somebody? That sounds a little bit too much for us to give a shit. Okay, you mean to tell me that a lawyer named Van Dean hit somebody I've got a blood pressure medication conflict to warn people But Marsha Blackburn screamed the antagonist the movie is the press also so they were like, okay fine Yeah, for sad. So then we cut to legislative Plaza and we meet the DA who's decided to go after Ben because, you know, obviously. That's a plot. Oh my God.

Like me and Heath trying to figure out social media, these two cops, do people want us on the Twitter? Should we go on the Twitter to do the policing? They're so confused. I think the assistant DA. The DA would likely not do this. Like because again, such a powerful law firm in this movie, this is a rich, wealthy lawyer backed by other rich, wealthy lawyers.

DA statistically doesn't go after these guys. No, that's their whole thing. This is a plea deal. They plea out. He is going to do community service. Maybe. He might do some community service. He might pay some restitution to the family. Maybe.

Or they're going to discover that one of these cops is too dumb to not actually check the fucking phone record. Also, this is at legislative plaza. This is where we get our West Wing walk and talk. We do. The wing walk and talk we do the failed walk and talk and the director clearly was like I'm gonna find watch you want to see how these libs do it I'm gonna show you how to cops because we'd love that in what if we walked and talked to be and they miss they missed the walk and talk cuz they walk and then they're supposed to pull back and stop the camera

But the director very clearly missed his wolf. Yes, so we watch them stop and then you watch the camera go Like two more clicks back. It was like there we go. Yeah, there's the top of everyone's head. Yeah This is in my notes where I realized I'm like they haven't actually checked the call logs This is the moment when because as these two idiot cops are talking, these are possibly the dumbest, like key, if this was a pencil, it said in Pennsylvania, these would be keystone cops. Yeah. It's said in Nashville, Tennessee.

So these are, I don't know what volunteer cops. The DA wouldn't press charges until they've done all the discovery phase, which is when you collect all the evidence. Yeah, of course. And part of that would have been checking the call logs, knowing that there were two phones, knowing that one of the phones was missing because it might be at a law firm. I don't know. Tracing the phone number and who they're registered to on the device or the SIM card.

All of these different things, checking the speed of how fast the car was going because he is still at fault for driving too fast. Yeah, for sure. He did hit the child. Yes. He is also still a distracted driver. You could argue that he was distracted when he hit the kid. Yeah.

But there's all these different things you can argue in this legally that makes no fucking sense. Yeah. I feel like a writer in the writer's room a bunch of times was like, okay, but what about these obvious details? And so many times it was just like that would fuck up. We can't do the movie then shut up. I think the fact that you're assuming it's a room. I think you mean in the writers park

because I know he's written on a bench. Yeah. I'm a lunatic. I on math and be like, and then and then they took everything from it just because a little girl with cancer walked out. But don't worry. There's an angel box you might be a demon. All right. From there, we cut to the courthouse. Ben is walking into court in slow mo and he's wearing a suit that is way too nice. Oh my God, it's so funny. You got to slub it up when you hit a cancer kid with your car while you're texting, right?

And don't forget the bodyguard lawyers, the massive twin bodyguard lawyers that are behind him walking while carrying this. Oh my God. Like he's going into the ring for an MMA fight. Yeah. Yes. 100%. He looks like Goldberg walking into WCW.

Yeah. So the judge decides, I don't, is that you tell me Mrs. P if this is how the legal system works. The judge says, okay, well, you're not allowed to drive any cars until the case is over. Okay. Yep. That would happen. Yeah, that could happen.

Oh, okay. Yeah, they would take away your license. Okay. And then because you're a definite flight risk, you would get an ankle monitor. Okay. So here's where I got mad. Take us there. Take us there. Number one. Okay. Posing counsel held out a printed out picture of a document. This would never happen. That would have to be filed. Also, you wouldn't do this in the bail hearing. This

is a bail hearing. This is a 20 minute, bing, bang, boom, next case please. But so this guy comes up and he's like, I have a printout. And even the judge is like, Hey, you got to save that for the case boss. So when he's like, he's a fight risk. It's a badly written movie. They would theoretically put him on house arrest. I would say that the stats on a well off rich person getting an ankle monitor is pretty low, but it wouldn't not not happen because in the early aughts, our girl friend of the pot, Lindsay Lohan, quite a few times because of her behavior behind the seat of a car.

And that is why I know for a fact what an ankle monitor looks like. Or we call them Irish Rolex is where I come from. Irish Rolex is a very specific look. And the one they put on that guy, that was a pager with a Fitbit strap around it. And I was so mad. You couldn't even get an ankle monitor. I thought it was a dog shock. Garage door opener. It looked like an accessory from the limo that they were using earlier. The best part though is the DA and the judge being like, and you texted while driving like a monster.

None of them have ever done that. And then I'm just like innocent till proven guilty. We have no proof of that. Yes. It's crazy. But I mean, he could have been put on quote house arrest, but it really wouldn't have come from bail. But also the ankle monitor then besides there's one scene with the wife who was like mad that he has an ankle monitor.

It never comes up again. Nope. Yeah, they forget about it. It's not like he's wearing the ankle monitor and he's like, I need to cut this off to run over here because I need to, to pray at this church. You know what I mean? Like there's nothing, there's no stakes to the ankle monitor. It's just another thing. He leaves the house later in the movie because they're afraid for their safety. That's not a problem. So what the fuck was the ankle monitor keeping track of? Yeah. And I'm assuming the kids, when she runs away with the kids to hide them for their safety, I'm assuming they're at least counties over.

Yeah. And like when you have an ankle monitor on it, you can be at your house and then you can go to your job. That's about it. Yeah. Like you can't do anything else. And it's not like he has to call into a parole officer. There is no checkup on anything. He just has this thing. You know, the new ones, your parole officer can call you through the ankle monitor. It's pretty cool.

I know. I saw that on TikTok. If we're spending our government money, it's on the near-pollsiver. They can call you through the ankle monitor now. They're like, what are you doing? Yeah. What are you fucking doing? Why aren't you home? Tommy? Are you doing perch again? Okay. So no check-ins, but he's a flight risk. So they've got the monitor there. We check in with the family again for a second here. Mom and Dad are arguing upstairs and Grandma's taking care of the kids. The whole purpose of the scene is to establish that they're getting death threats on the phone

and grandma has to deal with one. I love this, it's the most accurate scene in the entire movie. Because the mom tells grandma, do not answer the phone, it's death threats. And grandma goes, no it isn't. And then she answers the phone. It's death threats. And grandma goes, no, it isn't. And then she answers the phone, gets a death threat. And then it's like so shocked by it. I was like, yeah, the boomer not listening. This is the best movie ever written. This is the

documentary at this point. She's like, mom, don't answer the phone. All we get is death threats. And the mom is just like, no, no, you don't. It's from our area code. I have to pick up. The grandma's reaction to the death threat is the same reaction that you would get to like a pervert call. Yeah. How wet language. Yeah. She says, Hey language.

Yeah. I lost my mind. I wanted the person on the other end to be like, sorry, I'm sorry. I don't know where that came from. I'm going to kill you and your family. Right. Yeah, sorry, I didn't mean to use that. I could be more polite.

I did not mean to use an F-bomb. You C-word. Also, there's around the same area is when they have the conversation with the kids. And in that, that's the part that I lost my mind, is because the little girl goes, I'm going to need more crayons for this. Oh my God. The, the, the, we're going to need a bigger box of that little girl when she's

drawing a picture. I left for an hour and a half. I was like, this is that kid uses crayons, like drugs. Yeah. So to be clear, to spell what happens there, they explained to the little girl that he hit Sherry and that she's in the hospital and she's like, well, I could draw her a picture. And I'm like, okay, cutesy. And then he's like, she might die, honey. And she goes, I'm going to, I'm not kidding. Moment for moment. This is the performance. Looks like I'm going to need a lot of crayons for this one. The way I used to look at boxes of American spirit cigarettes.

Right. So from there we get Mr. Croemer very quickly at the DA's office representing his firm and his guy, Ben, as hard as he can. He threatens to primary the DA for a second. I think he's supposed to be a good guy. Doesn't make any sense. And then we get Ben and Beth bringing flowers for Sharon at the hospital. Not smart. Again, the thing they've been told, instructed to repeatedly. By their legal counsel. Yeah.

By me. By the ankle monitor. By Mrs. P screaming. Yeah. And this is what I wrote, get him Larry. Oh, and he does. And the thing is, again, also remember up to this point, the dad hadn't signed with Larry. The dad had not taken Larry under retainer until this exact moment because the thing is, again, also remember, up to this point, the dad hadn't signed with Larry. The dad had not taken Larry under retainer until this exact moment,

because the dad is like so flustered. He's like, my daughter just survived cancer, got hit by a fucking car. Then you show up with flowers for a fucking apology. Larry, I don't even know how to talk to this guy. Have Larry step in. And Larry is just like, Larry comes in like Bib Fortuna. He's just like, oh, yeah, you're good.

He come at the fuck your face. Slides under the ropes with a steel chair. Yeah, he comes in hot. And then after yelling at him for a second, he's like, are those even real flowers? That was a crazy take. And Ben and Beth just leave because they realized that Larry, the lawyer, called their bluff about real flowers for the cancer patient in a coma I wanted so badly for them to be fighting on the way out of the car

Just I told you we should get real well I didn't want them to die if the flowers died with a little girl died it would feel very metaphorical We had to leave yeah, so we're actually gonna do that too and take a quick break But first let me give Act III the hard sell. Is the movie about the economic struggle of late stage capitalism? Is it about the problems of the mainstream media and their coverage of local car accidents? Is it about the overly litigious parents of eight-year-old cancer patients who get put in a coma by terrible drivers?

Find out. The movie has no idea what the movie is about. When we return for the Hawthorne-esque conclusion of, acquitted by faith. Mr. Henderson, you are charged with involuntary manslaughter and reckless endangerment of a child. How do you plead? Your Honor, I'd like to enter into evidence that the kid I hit had cancer. Right. Like, like bad cancer.

Objection, Your Honor. Sustained, what point are you making? It's, it's just like... Come on, you guys. Come on. This is like really bad. Seriously? No interrupting me, Your Honor. The kid's mom is here and she's interrupting me right now. Your Honor.

Again, if you're making a legal argument, you need to make it, Counselor. I don't... I mean, like, we all know what's... No we don't. You know, you... Yes, you do. Yes, you do. Last chance, Counselor.

I'm just saying that little girl... Yes? She was already kind of like a dud. Objection! Sustained. Yeah. Okay, that's fair. I'm going to kick your ass. Don't.

And we're back. When we left off, Larry the lawyer made Beth and Ben leave with their fake flowers. And now we're inside Sharon's hospital room and Larry explains to Doug how the lawsuit is going to be ugly. Yeah, he spends the whole movie sort of cajoling Doug. And I think what this Christian movie wants to take us is like, good red blooded Americans don't sue for medical damages when someone hits their daughter. Is that the message I'm supposed to be receiving?

I think it is. I think it's, again, I think it's lawyers are evil. I think that's the whole thing. But there are good lawyers, but ambulance chaser lawyers, they're evil and they're the reason why things are bad is the subtext, I think. Right. But like there's a line that Doug says, he says, quote, he was insured. We don't sue. And that's where I screamed at the screen.

How do you think you get a payout from insurance? You don't get a payout from insurance unless you sue. And that down like the dad lost his job because he's a fucking idiot. Yeah. There's a reason. And then Larry is getting shifty year and shifty year now because okay So for some reason when we come back to this scene where in this moment, he is not a hired attorney So which is crazy because why would he be there? He's been just floating around this hospital waiting for them like a little raccoon just hiding in the back of the garbage, like just waiting to see what gets thrown in.

Yeah. And he's getting sweatier. He's getting sweatier. But now when he comes in a scene, his mustache has gotten the just for men treatment in a shade three times too dark for his hair. Yes. So this is how I know Larry's at his most powerful. Yes. Right. This is also where I wrote down that now Larry looks like the MyPillow guy, Mike Lindell and has

probably spoken the same thing. How dare you? Yeah. Famously, your nemesis. Yeah, my nemesis. Yeah. He was at the Democratic National Convention last year when I was there and I screamed in the side of his head.

Amazing. And one of these people were like, we'll sue you. And I'm like, whatever, I'm insured. You don't sue. I'm not kidding. Oh yeah, we had an altercation where I yelled at him to suck my dick. Hero among men. Hero among men. But yeah, this whole part with Larry doesn't make any sense

because it's like the family should sue. But this is why I just believe that the dad didn't lose his job because the evil middle management boss stole money. No, I think he's bad at stuff. I think the bad, the dad is just dumb. Because when you lose a job, you don't go get Chick-fil-A. You go home and make rice and beans. Yes. Right.

OK, we need to be smart with our money. Yes. Out of our last paycheck. Yeah. But his payroll manager is literally a Republican United States senator. So, you know, here we go. Yeah. And Larry says they can sue the law firm that Ben works at for seven or eight figures easy. And I was like, That's true. That's actually true.

They could because he was going, he was doing work stuff. Yeah. He was on the work clock. Oh, I see. Yeah. So because he wouldn't have been in the car if it hadn't been for his job. Okay. So like that, that kind of does, there is something there.

And I think that's also why the bosses are getting involved. Yeah. Because they're like, also why the bosses are getting involved. Yeah. Because they're like, if there's a Larry lawyer out. Okay. But to be clear, the movie is saying that ambulance chaser lawyers are evil, but the giant law firm that represents a fraudulent cancer cure company is fine. Yes. Yeah. Because they have Bibles at their disposal to throw people out. Right. No, they have Bibles. Yep.

And he's clearly Republican because he knows the Nashville DA. Yeah. I mean, that's what the... And Marsha Blackburn to get her in his movie. Yeah. Yes. 100%. Okay.

Well, now the emotion is going to ramp up. We're back at Sharon's hospital room and a doctor comes in and says, there's nothing we can do. And basically it's time to like hold pull the plug. Mm-hmm. And I was like, okay, so the movie's about euthanasia now? Like, you gotta pick a movie, guys. They still won't. They just won't. This, again, the doctor does it in the craziest way, too.

He just like walks in. He's like, we gotta pull the plug. And then all of them leave. Puppies. The entire medical team leaves. It is truly a poppin'. He might as well just like tuck his head in the door and be like seems like your kids are like a squash or something We should probably kill it. All right May I point out though who doesn't leave you know who's always there our boy Larry Larry is always there Because heart from the heart from the jump Larry is in the corner like the like the Shadow King

It's like you know when this family was looking for help, you know, they look back onto the beach in the sand and they see all these footprints and they're like, but there's no, there's only one set of footprints at our darkest time. And that's when Larry was like, because I was carrying you. And that's when I started yelling, who am I supposed to be rooting for in this movie? It's never clear. It's never clear We cut from there to Ben having like sad homicide whiskey on the couch by himself in the dark Yes, I get his house one does as one does yes like you do mr

Cromer comes in and I think they're trying to like ramp him up to be the good guy more here And he does some Christian's speech Yeah, I wrote down is the boss the devil or is he an angel or is he his secret dad? Because this has this gifts. It's giving secret dad. Yeah. Like he cares about him a little too much. But he never cared about him before because they made it clear that while they were at

work, they did not engage with. They've never met. Yeah. And he worked at the firm for how many years? 10 years, a decade. So like, They've never met. Yeah. And he worked at the firm for how many years? Ten years, a decade. So like, what do you mean? Yeah. Suddenly you're just walking into his house. You have keys?

You just walk in and the door is unlocked. Which is crazy because the day before there was a bullet on their front stoop. Yes. The door locked. Yeah. Your family has fled into the night. Yeah. You're on an ankle monitor. You're drinking alone and then your rich old boss who I believe is a spokesperson for reverse mortgage commercial. Yeah. Psychomachia. Yeah. I'm rich old and alone. An ankle monitors track how much alcohol is in your blood alcohol.

So he wouldn't actually be allowed to drink. Do they? I think it depends on the thing. You have to have it. I'm not happy about this. You're really shaking heat to his core. Okay. I just want to say something real quick. Mrs. P knows that not because she's a paralegal, but because she is born and raised from Northeast Philadelphia. Oh, sure. Because he's had an Irish Rolex before. Listen, she knows.

All right. This is familiar. Okay. I was born with a lot of roofers and plumbers around. And what I'm saying to you is these things can see how much boost you're taking. You can't tell how many perks you pop. I do like though that the, I'm going to say the devil boss tosses him a Bible and just says this will help while we read it.

Yeah, read it. But I just want to point something out. The Bible, not once, the whole book, even though it's a long read, doesn't mention cars, phones, bicycles, or unaccompanied minors once. No, it just doesn't happen. But it is very wary of chariots of iron. And so you can make a lot of pulls from there.

He's like, I guess I shouldn't wear mixed cottons. Yeah, exactly. That suit looks like it was more than one fiber, right? But I just bought these bacon wrapped shrimp from Costco. What kind of soup are you supposed to be cooking now? It's fine. It's fine. Matthew said it. I'm going to keep reading. Yeah. So it's established that Mr. Cromer is a good guy because he had a Bible. Whatever.

Then we go back to the hospital and Doug tells his wife, Jeannie, that Larry is definitely going to be their lawyer. They're doing the lawsuit. And Jeannie doesn't like this. Jeannie, not smart. I did not like Jeannie. I have to be clear that Doug is having this conversation over the brain dead body of their child. Yes.

They are inches from their child's, let's say it, corpse. And he's like, so Larry said the retainer agreement can actually be waived until after. Yeah, he's a second percentage. Jeannie turns to him while again staring at their brain dead daughter who's in a coma and says, quote, we don't need a lawyer, which is the absolute stupidest statement in this entire movie. You don't necessarily have to go with Larry, but in this situation, you need a lawyer,

you need a caseworker. You need your state rep at this point, maybe your state senator. You're going to need a funeral director to help you plan the end of life. Yes. You're going to need a lot of help. And then Doug looks at her and goes, quote, welfare doesn't cover the bills. Who is going to pay for all of this?

Meaning the hospital, which is what he said in a movie with US Senator She just ducks her head in with the bear claw exactly Like Mortal Kombat And then again if Bernie was in this you burn it would have been Medicare for all Veil with all of this Larry Larry, I'm telling you right now, the one percent can fail with all of this. Larry, Larry, I'm telling you, Larry. Larry, Larry. But Larry's smart. Larry knows how to weaponize Bible verses,

which is how he gets his way. Which is how he reaches the stupid people of Nashville. Yeah, exactly. Right, Jeannie says we don't need a lawyer, we need a pastor. And the movie's like, yeah, we got it in there. And then we get Larry back. Doug and Larry do another walk and talk

in the hallway of the hospital. And Larry pitches the lawsuit more using using metaphors from the Bible. Yeah, because we read the Bible recently. Yeah. In the last scene, the pastor does show up eventually. And Mrs. P did notice something about the pastor. Oh, he has he looks like a Nazi. Yeah, he has a Nazi.

Yes, he has the new Nazi haircut. Yes. And I was like, why is there a Nazi in the, he has a Nazi in so. Yes, he has the new Nazi haircut. Yes. And I was like, why is there a Nazi in the room? And Alex was like, what do you mean? I was like, that guy has the vibes of one of those, I'm a white nationalist Christian preacher who has a church in quotes that has like live music in a coffee house with chalkboards. Yes. He's giving Nick Fuentes.

Yes. He has Nick Fuentes vibes. And his vibes were bad. Even when he was like trying to quote pray over the child, I was like, he didn't say a prayer, he just talked shit. No, he just talked shit on modern medicine, I think. Yeah, I don't really, it was hard to figure out. Okay, so from there we cut to the conference room

at the law firm and the partners are talking about all the offshore money that Ben was allegedly hiding. So, Durwood apparently lied and now he's trying to frame Ben for the whole thing. Yeah. That's going to come back in a second. Then we're back at the hospital room and Doug and Jeannie are deciding what to do and there's a pastor there this time. Right.

The pastor's like, look guys, it's your choice whether or not you want to murder your daughter, but like, are you sure though? Yeah. He, there's very much a, we can't let your daughter die. She will be replaced by, I don't want to say miss moosh, but then he lit a tiki torch and walked out of the room. Right. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The pastor actually says, okay, well, you got to pray again and you have to, quote, give God room to be God, which was a really, really, yeah, it means that it's nonsense. Yeah. But essentially what the movie is trying to say, the movie's message about childhood cancer is God's doing a fucking thing. Just let him cook. Let him cook. Yes, let him cook. Let him cook. Yes, let

God cook. Let God cook. He's never done anything bad before. Just ask the firstborns of Egypt. Yeah, exactly. Hold my wine. So from there we go over to mom and the kids. They left town. They're at grandma's house now and Connor is yelling at mom for being weak and selfish because she left town. It's crazy. This mom hasn't slapped the fuck out of this kid at this point. All he does is talk back. I'm telling you Ferguson. Listen, when he's like, mom, you are weak and selfish. I was like, is he turning Klingon?

It was so nuts. And then his French mother. Yeah. And again, also, this is one of those situations which drives me crazy in some movies where a lot of this could be handled by just explaining to people everything that's going on. If the mom looked at them and said, listen, your dad hit a cancer girl with this car and now other people want to murder us, he would sit still and shut the fuck up.

Yeah. Yeah. But instead, she just lets this go on. It's just so wild. They don't explain anything to the kids. No, nothing. And whenever they do, the one girl's like, I need more crayons. That's true.

And they pray for Sharon, of course, except except Connor, who's a dick about it. And he like, eventually, begrudgingly agrees to hold hands and pray. Yeah, begrudge. I thought the prayer wasn't going to work. And then we were going to cut back to Connor finally clasping hands. And it works. Yeah. You see him like slightly open his hand to be like crossing his fingers behind his back, basically. Yeah.

He's the worst. He's going to grow. Like I said before, he's going to grow up to be a racist streamer on twitch no question No question. There's no way around and when you need to grow up in two years He's in Alex's comments right now calling him a shill for the government He's a hundred percent right now. He's explaining to Alex in his comments why he's gonna vote for Jill's side in 2020 comments why he's going to vote for Jill Stein in 2020. Motherfucker. Motherfucker.

Connor. Connor. No, it's a monopoly. It's a uniparty. Shut up, Connor. Connor, it's going great. How'd that fucking message go? You loving 2025?

You piece of shit? Yeah. Yeah. You see, Alex? You see why I brought you on the show? You're home. You're home here. You're loved here.

You know who's not here? Jill Stein. Haven't seen that bitch. Where is she? Moscow? I don't know. We did invite her on this episode. You're home. You're home here. You're loved here. You know who's not here? Jill Stein. Haven't seen that bitch. Where is she? Moscow? I don't know. We did invite her on this episode as well.

I should have told you guys. I was hoping we did. That would have been so funny. That would have been so goddamn funny. But we're just insisting on doing the movie review the whole time. The whole time was supposed to be. You made us watch the 86 minutes of the worst movie we've ever seen just to then bring Jill Stein on. Guys, we're getting a little off topic about who may or may not be a Russian agent. So

then what happens in the movie? Okay. So then we cut the slow hallway walk number 12 because we got a pad. We got a pad. So many hallway walks. Here's the thing with streaming is this movie could be any length. This could be, could have been 40 minutes. It doesn't matter. You could have still called it a movie. There's no definition of a movie that says it has to be over an hour. You could just say it's a short film.

There's so many different things. It doesn't need to be 90. What are we fucking making a 90 minutes for? No, they were psyched. They were psyched about Sorkin somehow like winning against them with the walk and talks. So they did another one here. Doesn't matter at all. Yeah. So now Ben has to meet with the bosses

in the conference room. And it's revealed that text messaging confirmed that Ben embezzled a bunch of money and sent the money to the Caymans. Yeah, and the person who says that is one of the dumbest cops in the history of the United States of America, which is fucking insane. Crazy bar, crazy bar to be

low below. It's really fucking insane to be this fucking stupid. But yeah, the cop holds up a phone. He's like, we have the text messages. You stole the money and you're bezling in the Caymans. And then they like literally Casper Van Deen is like, what are you fucking talking about? Are you like he looks over at the evil boss, Derwood, and he's like, fuck you. And Derwood's like, gotcha,

bitch. Yeah. Yeah. Derwood has the biggest shit eating grin on his face. But again, okay, here's where again, I'm screaming because the cell phones would be in an evidence locker where the district attorney is holding the discovery evidence. There is no way they would have been signed out by a cop to be brought to a private law firm to then be inspected to see where the money was going in the Cayman Islands. They would have to request that from the courts as part of the evidence for this crime. But the crime is about a car. It's not about the Cayman Islands. So how does this law firm

get a hold of this? And then, okay, I'm going to spoil it. The phone rings. Yes, it does. From inside the evidence bag. It's amazing. They open the evidence bag. Here's number one of things you don't do. You don't open the evidence bag. They open the evidence bag. No gloves on their hands. Pop their hand in the evidence bag. Answer the phone. You're not allowed to do this. And the phone's on

speaker and it's a, what a Derwood's mom. Yeah. Yeah. It's Derwood's mom who calls. Nobody says hello to Derwood's mom. She just immediately yells Michael Anthony Derwood. This is your phone. I'm your mom. Yeah. And they all hear it on speaker. But also that tracks. This proves in that moment that the cops did not check the SIM card to see who the phone was fucking registered exactly And also that means as far as i'm concerned they never found his original phone Yeah, they never once mentioned in this car. There are two phones. No. Yeah, it's never mentioned once also It's been like weeks months I don't know

So they took out the phone from the evidence bag and charged it a few times and now it's able to get a call. I don't know. I guess. I don't know. Like that's the thing. But also if they had ever opened up this phone, which they claim they had done, they also would have seen that the email which or the text, which is the Cayman Islands, the Cayman Islands thing is addressed to Durwood. Yeah, it's to Durwood. There's so many evidences available. You didn't have to use the mom exposition phone call. I almost wrote this as my best worst because it might be the laziest resolution to a movie I've ever seen.

Also, OK, so theoretically, right, the DA gave the evidence to this law firm, to the big bosses, because they're friends. The DA is friends with the big bosses because big law firms are always friends with DAs. That's how it goes. There's money in pockets, handshakes, and behind closed doors. That's how it goes. So the DA at some point gave them access to this phone, which means that at no point is this lawyer ever going to get charged with vehicular manslaughter because these big law firm is in with the DA. Yes. Also, also.

Makes no sense at all. I'm sorry. Also, it's now also as we're talking about it, because he's a big lawyer, that's not his personal cell phone. That is the property of the law firm. So law firms, the cell phone, they could get the records so easily. Yeah. The payroll lady could pull the records because they're paying for the cell phone plans. Yes.

It's so fucking insane. It's just so insane. So after this moment when they realize, oh, it's Dermott's been stealing the money. They put cuffs on Dermott, they walk him out of the room. And then the big boss says, anything else, anything you need, anything at all to Casper Van Deen. I'd like to Christianly help you. Yeah. But here's the thing.

Now they know that Casper Van Deen in that moment was an accomplice to hiding the embezzlement. Yeah. Like that was his job in the company was to hide it because he even mentioned it to the boss. Yep. He's like, I'm handling this thing of like hiding this money. And the boss is like, what the fuck are you talking about double billing? There's a moment earlier in the movie, like the boss had no idea any of this shit's going on.

And so like, there's this moment where I'm like, okay, just because Dermin did evil, doesn't mean this other guy isn't a part of the, what the fuck? Right. Yeah. They're supposed to be two good guys now they're at a firm that's representing a company that does cancer medication fraud and they did a bunch of embezzlement for that company makes absolutely no sense none zero but now we come back to the hospital and it's gonna get sad they're about to pull the plug on Sharon yes now we need the only ending that could be sillier than the speakerphone phone call to establish whose office this is.

We need the pull the plug miracle curing of the little girl. Okay. Oh my God. Can I be honest? I laughed a lot. So loud. Oh my God. I would cackle.

I'll explain why I laughed. So it's this tragic moment. And then the doctor who's gonna pull the plug is like, yeah, I'll need like, you know, do you ever sit in the exit row on an airplane? You actually have to say murder my daughter. To kill your kid based on yuppers. You have to say it all the way out. No signing a document or anything. Yeah, no signing a document. I need you to say it three times like a divorce.

I'm actually giving you this unicorn pillow. You have to smother her right here. But also in this moment, Larry being in the room in the corner is just crazy. Yeah. Like, again, if he's actually their lawyer, in this moment, Larry would be the one communicating to the doctor because Larry would be handling the paperwork and the legal issues for the parents

with unplugging the kids. But instead, he's just sitting in the corner just like, we're going to make so much money. Whoa. He might as well have a calculator and that green visor that accountants had in old timey movies. Yes. Ka-ching! Ka-ching! Yeah, his tongue should roll out like a wolf.

Should I stop doing the cha-ching while you verbally confirm you want this doctor to kill your daughter? There is a point during it where like he says to the dad, at one point he's like, yeah, if she doesn't die, it's going to be more complicated. Like, what the fuck? Like Larry, like that's the only moment in the entire movie where I was like, Larry? When the girl was better, Larry should have gone, oh, man! Son of a bitch!

Oh, here it goes! So they finally do pull the plug, and then we see them do some praying. Jeannie, the mom, does some face praying, and she's crying. And then we get a flatline anyway. And I was like, fucking rough. Okay. Yeah, real quick. Yeah.

But then we go to a dream sequence of some sort with Sharon the kid and mom and dad. Montage. Yeah, playing tag together. Sepia. They have the Mexican sepia thing on there. And it's real. I think they're running around the Parthenon in Nashville.

For those who don't know. Yeah, it was either that or the Tennessee State Capitol. Yeah, I know. I think it's the Parthenon because it's in, I think they're running around the Parthenon in Nashville. For those who don't know. Yeah, it was either that or the Tennessee State Capitol. Yeah, I know. I think it's the Parthenon because it's in a public park. It's outside. They actually rebuilt the entire Parthenon, the building that's on the top in this park. It's actually beautiful in Nashville and you can go to it. Yeah.

So I think that's where she's running around. Yeah. Okay. But I also felt like this was like one of the visions from Minority Report. Yes! It had like that moment. And I was just like, all right, this is weird. Like, it's just like, and like the dad and the mom are like chasing the little girl around.

Like you couldn't have shot my version of her with hair. Yeah. I said, why wasn't this pre-cancer? This is a loving montage. It should be pre-cancer. Or just like them in a picnic or then having fun at the house. There's so many different things you could have done. But again, I think you guys are right.

I think that the Cancer Girl actress's mom shaved her head before they even brought her into the show. That's how she got her the audition. She was like, I shaved her in the waiting room outside. You got her. She needs to have cancer. Coming in method. She actually has cancer.

Damn. Yeah, it's weird. We in in method. She actually has cancer. Sam. Sam. Yeah. It's weird. We've been giving her a lot of pizza. So they fade out of that weird dream sequence and we see them again and they're like, still fucking Flatline? What the fuck?

We did a dream sequence. I thought, but then she is alive again and the doctor's like, I've never seen this before. It's a miracle. And it's again, it's such Christian movie bullshit, right? Because it's not just, oh, her finger moved, put the thing back in. She's going to be okay. It's like her finger moved and then she breathes on her own and then she does a fucking kip up out of the bed.

It could not be silly. The ref was like one, two, three, four. Here comes Larry with the steel chair. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I actually have written down Here comes Larry with the steel chair. Yeah. Yeah.

No, I actually have written down here that Larry should have screamed no and then hit her with a trash can. Yeah, there it is. He's trying to win the case. Yeah. So yeah, the miracle happens. The flat line goes away. I wanted them to pan over to a nurse or Larry just being like, shit, sorry, knocked out

the wire, plugs it back in, flat line comes back on. Your kid is very much still dead. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah. But no, she's alive, Sharon's alive. And then we cut over to Kromer and Ben at the office.

And Kromer got a call from the DA explaining that Sharon died, but came back to life and they're all good. Why would the DA know that? Why would the DA know that? I don't know. The DA would just know that she's better. They would just just say, hey, she's better. Better now. Yeah, you don't tell everybody every fucking thing. Also, why is everyone sharing children's medical reports? Oh, hippa shmipa. That's what I say.

And this is this is where CVD asks for dad's job back as condition of his return to work. He would like his law firm to ask their client to hire back their client who they just found out they've been stealing from. De-frauding. Exactly. For like 20 years. Hey, sorry about that. I know that we're still very much up in the air with the Cayman Islands fraud thing, but do you know Doug? No, you have thousands of employees. Okay. Can you talk to Marsha Blackburn because she knows stuff?

Yeah. United States Senator Marsha Blackburn. She also works as your payroll. And I want to say very heavily implied here that because this, because Sharon, the girl lives, that all of the legal troubles are gone. They are not. That's not how that works. He still hit a girl with his car. He still negligently drove. He is still on the hook for her medical bills. Absolutely. He is still on the hook for all these other different things.

Insurance is going to go through the roof. The legal company. Because now also, because they've now proven that one of the phones, the only phone that went off in the car that could have distracted him was a phone tied to the law firm. So the law firm's still in trouble. If anything, the law firm's in more trouble now. Of course, yeah. You would think. But they're going to ignore everything we've ever said because they don't

care. No. We cut back to Beth and Ben. They're going to the hospital again. Again? Again. They want to see Sharon. This time with the stuffy instead of flowers. Okay, we got a real stuffed animal this time. It was the flower.

Flowers were the problem. Yeah, and they see Sharon's mom, Jeannie, and it's gross. The first question to Jeannie is, hey, is your husband here? We want to talk to your man person. Oh my God. Yeah. And she was just as polite. She's like, I'll forgive you, but I don't like it. Yeah. And she was, she was just as polite.

She's like, I'll forgive you, but I don't like it. Yeah. But God told me to. God tells me to forgive. And he's like, that's so awesome. Like he means, can I tweet that? That's great. That's really cool.

No, that's really cool. Can I make that my banner on YouTube channel? Oh, stop promoing. I want to promo. This is a plug safe space. There are three things that are safe here. You can say Jill Stein is probably a Russian. You can plug your podcast and you can laugh when a child in a movie gets hit by a car. That's what we represent here. God, awful movies. I do.

Do you do? There's two things that that make Mrs. P laugh hysterically. Number one, a child being hurt. Classic. Number two is tickles. No, a concept building dog jumping into a wall. No, okay. As I'm plugging the podcast, do not tell people that animals being hurt also.

And we lost them. We lost them. Oh, right there. We're going to listen to too many tabs wherever they listen to podcasts. Yeah. So, so Jeannie says that God tells me to forgive whatever and Ben's like, oh, cool. I mean, this is God's plan then. So my bad driving was God's plan.

If you think about it, you're welcome. God's plan. And then that's a Drake song. And then Doug. I told him before there was no Drake. Remember? Oh, I'm sorry. They said that. You know. You're welcome. And then that's a Drake song. And then Doug. Before was no Drake. Remember? Oh, sorry. They said that. Oh yeah, that's right. And then Doug steps out of the insane shadows of their very well lit hospital hallway. He learned it from Larry. And he's like, well, well, well, congratulations. He's still mad. Yeah, he's so mad. But that's when they they're like, hey, listen, I understand

you're mad, but we got your job back. And he's like, you can see it in his face. He's still mad. Yeah, he's so mad. But that's when they're like, Hey, listen, I understand you're mad, but we got your job back. And he's like, you can see it in his face. He's like my shitty job that I hated. Yeah. Why do I want to go to work for minimum wage when I could get your ass to pay me a big old penny? Yeah, right.

Yeah. And then the wife gives him a look and he's like, I guess I have to settle for the bare minimum. I guess I forgive you for hitting my daughter with your car. And then we get, I would say the best moment of the movie, like really good acting by the actor who plays Sharon here. We go into Sharon's room and Ben walks in and he's like, hello today, stupid. And she goes, hey, are you the man I hit with my bike?

Yo. I had a genuine like laugh cry moment for a second. I, this little girl, like I said earlier, was so incredible. She's the best actor in the entire movie, which is insane because Casper Bandine is the main actor. He is in this movie. But this little girl is so good. That moment when she asked him, are you the man that I hit with my bike?

And he like cry laughs a little bit. Yeah. That should have been the ending Yes, cut. Oh, you know, it's just like through through Jesus. All things are possible Don't text and drive would you download a car? Because that moment is just like I don't know if you guys have ever seen the movie Godzilla minus one when he discovers that His love is still alive Yeah, of course, he walks into the hospital and she looks at him

and she says in Japanese, is your war finally over? That's it, we're done. This is the is your war finally over movie. This is that same fucking moment. And they're like, no, you know what? We need six more endings. We have more grievances from Marcia Blackburn that we have to deal with.

But yeah, the movie clearly should have ended there. They're trying to like go on a little bit more. And then thankfully a doctor walks in and is like, hey, wrap up the movie. It seems like you didn't write an ending here. Yeah, he's like, oh my God, we are fake doctors. Yeah, we have one final scene because they're idiots. Now the family is heading back home from grandma's house.

And we watch dad stop playing frisbee with Connor mid throw to take a cell phone call. Incredible. Incredible parenting. Yeah, it's so good. Yeah. I think also it's not, they're picking up from grandma's, but then I think they're supposed to be going immediately camping. Yeah, they're immediately going on their road trip. Yeah. Yeah. He's finally using PTO. Right. It's just incredible. But the call is from Mr. Cromer. He's got a big case and he wants Ben to put that PTO off for another week. And he promises to give Ben like a private plane to fly to the Bahamas with the whole

family. But Ben's like, nope. This is where I started screaming. Family first. And I was like, take that fucking plane. Really? No, no, because the whole thing was the boss, this big boss, from the moment we meet him in the beginning of the film, he keeps trying to play the nice guy role.

He's like, I'm different than other bosses. I'm not like your other boss. I think you should spend time with your family. Here, read the Bible. I'm all about family. I'm a good boss. Right. And then he lulls him into a sense of safety. And now he's like, I'm going to finally go spend time with my shitty family. I'm a good boss. Right. And then he lulls him into a sense of safety.

And now he's like, I'm going to finally go spend time with my shitty family I don't like. And he's going to go get in the car with them. And then the boss calls and the first thing he fucking does is like, Hey, I need you to come to work and put work. Oh, they should come into the. Come in on Saturday. You are an abuser, sir. You what's it called? Love bomb that guy. You love bomb him. Love bombed him. You, what's it called? Love bombed that guy. You did. You love bombed him. You love bombed him. And then he's back in the cycle of abuse with his employer.

Yeah, truly. I'll tell you, the part that got me was that the boss said, I'm trying to tag team a case with you. And I was like, OK, man, you are clinically divorced. This is coming off as sexual now. Like this is coming up as creepily sexual. Then they finally all get in the van. The phone rings again.

Casper Van Deen slams on the brakes. And he's like, this is the moment where he talks the entire family into a white Lotus style digital detox. Yep. A white load. Exactly what I wrote. And I'm like, what fucking crime are you hiding now? That was my next thought.

I'm like, who? Excellent question. What fucking crime? And so he goes in the back, they take all the shitty electronics that they clearly got from a Goodwill or probably his house since it's down in Nashville. And then he goes in the back and he puts them in the back, but the ginger kid gets out of the minivan. And the final line is him telling him, Connor

telling dad, he gives him this awkward hug and he goes, I love dad. I love you. Yeah. And that's the true ending of the movie. Yeah. If you just put down your phone, your kids will love you. Yes, exactly. And if you get your kids to put down the phone, the kids will love you too.

Yeah. The phones are the problem. The phones are the problem. That's what I need to write on my Facebook status. Just cut to the worst trip ever. All them trying to talk to each other, but they got nothing because they're addicted to the phones. It seemed like that was going to happen. Apparently though, the movie has landed on Mr. Cromer is the ultimate good guy because he's a Christian, but also a job creator. I think that's the message. I think a job creator. I think that's the message.

I think you're right. I think also in the tag team scene, I think they were supposed to pan to him looking at a cross on the wall or something. I think the tag team scene is supposed to be a test to see if Ben has learned. And again, if this was, Guy was supposed to be a secret angel devil thing, then that would make even more sense that it was like, we're now testing his soul again to make sure that he checked. But instead, it's just a creepy old man being like, I'm trying to tag team with you. Yeah, exactly.

You know, when I walked into your house while you were drinking alone and your family was gone. Yeah. The writer really wanted that guy to be Al Pacino and for our guy to be on their raves. Yep. The devil's advocate. But they could not get the mark anywhere near it. Yeah. And not once did anyone say your sister is ovulating. I fuck all of them. The end. It's one of the Christian movies. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, I think that's going to do it for a Quitted by Faith, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we found another terrible movie for next week and we're going to be live in Portland for that. So Eli, what's

on deck for Portland? Bigfoot blood on the farm. All right. We got some right family. So excited with that to look forward to. We're going to bring episode five oh seven to a merciful close. Huge thanks to Mrs. P and Alex for joining us. Great time. So if people want to hear a little bit more from you, where should they go? You can find our podcast, Too Many Tabs, wherever you listen to podcasts, or if you want to hear our podcast, The Warm Up or Vibing With The Food Idiot, you can join us on our Patreon at pearlmania500.net. That's pearlmania500.net. Both of us are on our Instagram or over on TikTok, YouTube, all those different things.

Find me, pearlmania500, and then you can find those link trees for everything else. Oh yeah. Fantastic. And of course, a big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity. If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per episode donation

at patreon.com slash godawful. That'll get you early access to an ad free version of every episode. And if you enjoyed the show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the Skating Atheist, Citation Needed, the Skeptocrat and DND minus available in all the podcast places. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email god awful movies at gmail.com. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.

All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving this chunk of your life this week. For Mrs. P, Alex and Eli, I'm Heath. Promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the Breakfast Club clothes. Connor the Ginger Kid went on to become a world famous Twitch streamer, where he's been arguing for weeks on end with Hassan Piker over the current Israel-Gaza conflict.

He is well known for his hot takes, all about how the Wokes have destroyed video games, and he has recently been canceled because he can't stop rubbing his bleeding gums on the wall. Yeah, that's right, the kind of the ginger kid is Asmongold. It's Asmongold. If you know who that is, please do less internet.

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Lancer, multinational corporation got convicted of fraud when their cancer medication didn't do anything. They went bankrupt. Doug lost his job and Sharon has no health coverage for real medicine. Main character guy's boss fought three more Pokemon He lost his job and Sharon has no health coverage for real medicine.

Main character guy's boss fought three more Pokemon and then eventually evolved into full-sized Dennis Leary. Don't you hit me with Billy Rage and you came back with don't? Get off me. No, no. Also, I do love that it says last chancellor here. Yep. Yep. Apologies for my typing style.

No, it's amazing. I was like between that and rec class, I was losing it. I can't talk directly to the mic. This content is canned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4255 or on their website at creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2025, all rights reserved.