God Awful Movies - 508: Bigfoot Blood on the Farm

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Starting point is 00:00:22 Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. Ben MGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. ["Star Wars Theme"] It's so clearly the fucking Wookie costume that David and Ashley are using to do Star Wars outfits together. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:00:43 Ron didn't shoot first tonight, right? Right, babe? Rrrrr. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm not letting that pass. Do a Wookie noise. Rrrrr. That's insane.

Starting point is 00:00:57 That's insane how not a Wookie. Wait, you do it. Rrrrr. Oh, that's better. Oh! Oh! Oh, that's better for that! Oh! Oh!

Starting point is 00:01:06 God Awful Movie Movie Movie Movie Movie Movie Welcome to God Awful Movies

Starting point is 00:01:22 Live from Portland, Oregon! Wow! Wow! Wow! I had to check... Yes, I agree! I agree! I had to check and make I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree.

Starting point is 00:01:46 I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree.

Starting point is 00:01:53 I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree.

Starting point is 00:02:00 I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I agree. I'm your host No Illusions and joining me from stage left please put your hands together for my good friend Heath Enright! Hello everybody! Nice! The real Antifa. Yes. Fuck yeah.

Starting point is 00:02:28 Last night, somebody told me this. They were kind of offended. Somebody from Portland was like, Hey, at the beginning of the Seattle show, a couple years ago, you said hello to Seattle as if they were Antifa. They're not the fucking real ones. We'll fucking kill those capitalist pigs from Seattle. We are Portland.

Starting point is 00:02:49 Love it. All right. Glad to be here. I'm not a cop, by the way. I look like, I get I look like that cop yelling, stop resisting right before he does a crime. I'm not. It's good. He has to tell you if he is don't worry.

Starting point is 00:03:06 And of course also joining us from stage left please give it up for my bad friend Eli Bosniak. Oh Jesus. What? So, I can tell... I can tell the audience at home that it's green and that there isn't much of it. For the rest of it, I'll have to ask you. Eli, what are you dressed as? I'm dysentery. Because of the Oregon Trail. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm really glad you guys aren't sensitive about that, because I was really worried that was gonna be your Boston Marathon.

Starting point is 00:04:06 And it's gonna get real quiet all of a sudden. This is always a good moment for me, because I can see the spouses who were dragged to the show. They start to glow with hatred. Start thinking of the sexual favors they will demand for the rest of the month based on this. Don't worry spouses he does have real clothes. I have real clothes. Now, part of our pre-show job is to warn everyone who's going to be working for the venue that Eli is going to do that. Now, it's never been more awkward than it was coming immediately after our contact with the

Starting point is 00:05:05 Hilton said so we're hosting an under 13 Pokemon tournament at the hotel this weekend There he is, Eli Bosnik. She did not appreciate my gotta catch em all jokes, let me tell ya. Oh no. I had to talk to a cop this morning. Mariska Hargitay is really mean in person. So tell us Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Bigfoot, Blood on the Farm. We did.

Starting point is 00:06:03 How many people also watched, how many actual watchers? Yeah, alright, this one was worth it guys. Alright. David Wright runs into the bedroom, honey, we've peaked. Portland loves us. How many people have watched other Wright family film? From the oeuvre of the Wrights, a decent amount. Okay, well, this one is the story for me, for us, for everybody who just raised their hands.

Starting point is 00:06:34 It's the story of us watching the delightful evolution of the furry sex lives. Yes. Of Ashley and David Wright. Oh honey, can you be Bigfoot in this one again? Yeah. I feel like they got advanced because they did that other Bigfoot one and they like got more. The fursuit wasn't ready and by now. Yes, I think this is their third Bigfoot one actually. So it's also, it's also depending on where you go it's not Bigfoot blood on the Farm. There's no colon. It's just Bigfoot Blood on the Farm. Take that how you want.

Starting point is 00:07:10 So Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the shenanigans of the Wright family, but you wish you spent more time haunted by their secret tremendous talents, you will love this movie. Really? The terrifying thing about this movie is the glimpse of the things the Wrights could have been doing otherwise.

Starting point is 00:07:40 We'll talk about it when we can talk about it. Alright, we'll get there. So before we do, is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? I'm going to go with best best ponies. Okay, alright. I fucking love these ponies. And these ponies hate the Wright family.

Starting point is 00:08:01 Fun fact, this is real for those of you who don't know the Wright family already. They have a rescue in real life in Maine, I think, for at risk donkeys and ponies. Are you guys- At risk of what? I don't know what the- at risk of the Wrights, I think. I'm picturing season three of The Wire, but with ponies. You're going to adopt me, Mr. Wright? You guys see that? It's a good show.

Starting point is 00:08:34 No, like every time they cut to the ponies in this movie, the pony has a not-my-circus, not-my-monkeys look on its face. Absolutely, and they're blinking like a hostage video because they're hostages in a video. This movie. See if you didn't come to the live show you wouldn't have seen me blinking SOS would you? That's what you paid for. The visual bits. Okay

Starting point is 00:08:59 I went with best worst Amazon URL because I had not even even started watching the movie when I wrote my best worst. I shit you not, this is the, you rent this movie on Amazon, which, fucking rent this movie on Amazon, this is absolutely worth it. The URL that will appear at the top of your fucking browser is amazon.com slash placeholder underscore title dash John dash Doe slash DP slash BOF six seven MZPFJ. We watched Bigfoot, Loram Ipsum, Loram Ipsum. Blood on the farm. I'm John Doe. Fuck, that's sad. This is like their 83rd movie on Amazon, people. They're not new to this shit.

Starting point is 00:09:56 And I'm going to go with best, worst, whoever the opposite of Chekhov's gun is. They have a real ass gun in this movie, and it's terrifying. Have you seen that prank TikTok where they give the baby a fake knife and everyone in the family freaks out one at a time? That was me watching this movie. Just watching the right girls...

Starting point is 00:10:20 It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... I don't think I can legally discuss what Eli's doing in his impersonation right now. Alright. Well, I am way too excited to keep you

Starting point is 00:10:36 waiting, so we're going to keep the break brief. Eli will do some physical bits while we're gone and we'll be right back with all the nothing in particular that is Bigfoot Blood on the Farm. And what do we say when he asks about your wife and child? They all died in a fire this morning. And?

Starting point is 00:11:00 And this cash is all I saved from the crash. That's all I have. Exactly. Hey guys, what you doing? Getting ready for Eli to buy a car. Yeah, I am not looking forward to the, you know, haggling and the tricks and the fees and stuff. Well, Eli, why don't you just use car gurus? I'm not a guru, Noah.

Starting point is 00:11:19 More of a firm but gentle hand throughout the buying process. No, he really is. It's true. Car gurus will connect you with trusted dealerships firm but gentle hand throughout the buying process. No, he really is. It's true. CarGurus will connect you with trusted dealerships when you're ready, ensuring a transparent and hassle-free buying process. Oh, well, how do they do that? With over 4 million listings, CarGurus has more car listings than any other major online

Starting point is 00:11:37 automotive marketplace in the U.S., so you can find the best deal. CarGurus gives you the control to shop how you want to shop with the tools, information and data-driven deal ratings you need. It's no wonder similar web estimated traffic data shows CarGurus is the number one most visited car shopping site. Amazing! Where can I learn more? Buy or sell your next car today with CarGurus at CarGurus.com. Go to CarGurus.com to make sure your big deal is the best deal. That's C-A-R-G-U-R-U-S dot com. Cargurus.com. Awesome Noah, thanks.

Starting point is 00:12:09 Here you go Heath, I guess I don't need pictures of these smudgy orphans after all. To be fair, it doesn't make sense you would have smudgy orphans if they also died in the fire. That's what I said! These are different orphans. Read the packet. There's a packet?

Starting point is 00:12:25 There was a packet, yes. All right, girls, it's time for a right family to make another movie. Hooray, hooray. What's this one gonna be about, mama? All right, so I was thinking Bigfoot. Yup, that'll do it. That'll do it.

Starting point is 00:12:43 Girls, get the tripods out. You got it, daddy. I'll that'll do it. That'll do it. Girls, get the tripods out. You got it, daddy. I'll be right on it. Yup. Y'all don't want to know what Bigfoot does? We'll figure it out as we go. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:12:54 Guess we will. Hey, podcast listener. Just wanted to hop in to remind you that there are just a couple weeks left to support our shows during our annual fundraiser, Matriot. Oh, what's Matriot? Damn it! That's right, when you support the shows over at matriot.com, you aren't just helping make the show happen, you're also paying for the teams of accountants and legal representatives

Starting point is 00:13:16 needed to oversee Eli and Heath's point game. Having a Swiss third party telly points till the end of the year for us in hard copy was expensive, but worth it. Worth it indeed, but you won't just be maintaining the sanctity of the point game, you can also add fun activities to our patron-only livestream, new stuff for the shows, and even nice stuff for us personally. So upgrade or add a pledge to any of the Puzzle and the Thunderstorm shows to help out today,

Starting point is 00:13:42 and follow along at matreon.com. That's M-A-Y-T-R-E-O-N.com. Matreon. Because 24-hour armed security is pricey. But worth it. So I don't think it is worth it. Worth it. Worth it. Yeah. And we're back!

Starting point is 00:14:09 And we're back! The listeners at home don't know this, but I've just employed the audience as the grenade or the laying on the Eli Grenade defense here. I opened my butthole. Podcast listener. Yeah, I guess the laying on the whole construction is probably bad when we're talking about your butt hole. You plugged my butt hole with a grenade. All right.

Starting point is 00:14:29 This is what you miss when you don't come to the live show listeners at home. So we're back and we're going to open up on the legendary Too Dark to Quite Make It Out, Right Family Films logo. Hell yeah, baby. Every time. And then we meet the other star of this movie. So if you watch this movie, it's available on YouTube, it's available on Amazon, it's free on YouTube, you probably watched it on YouTube. But if you paid to watch it on Amazon, you got to

Starting point is 00:14:55 see the real star of the movie, which were the goddamn subtitles. They were fucking nuts. So the very first thing that happens in the movie is the subtitles start giving you the lyrics to a song that won't play for another two and a half minutes. Aspirational is what we like to think of these subtitles. They're making suggestions by the end. How about some acting? I mean growl or something. Fuck.

Starting point is 00:15:26 I hate it here in India. So we see these lyrics over some just dark piano tones or whatever. We see their kids all grown up, old scouts all grown up. What's the other one? Jaina. It's so weird because they very clearly have decided which of their own children is the star. It's Scout. And it's not J decided which of their own children is the star. It's Scout.

Starting point is 00:15:46 And it's not Jada. It is not Jada, no. Hey Jada, you'll be a listener in a couple of years and you can come to the live shows. I'll spread my butthole for you. Wait, how old are they? Not old enough for that show. Okay, that's what I said in a few years. So it's however many.

Starting point is 00:16:04 Do you like Pokemon? Because there's multitudes. So, and I want to point out right away the costuming in this movie. These two girls are gonna be dressed in the exact same like matching overalls and plaid shirts in the cultiest possible way. We're gonna get that throughout and we're gonna meet them during a farming montage as so often we do Yeah, how much of this farm equipment do we think we have personally paid for? Well, not that fucking tractor because I'm pretty sure there's a tag still hanging. Yeah. Yeah No, that goes back to home. That's going back. That's going back

Starting point is 00:16:42 Right, but there did look it did kind of feel like daddy bought that tractor. He was like, no, I used it in the movie. That's a ride off, isn't it? Mm-hmm. It was brand shining new. But so we get the little farming montage. She's going to, he's going to show Scout

Starting point is 00:16:57 how to drive the tractor in case she needs to kill Bigfoot with it later. Yeah. A montage of learning to tractor was a bad idea. So they're trying to do like happy learning to tractor music. You're like can you give us a little happy learning to tractor music. Happy learning to tractor. Nope.

Starting point is 00:17:16 All right. I gotta turn it. Give me a second. I gotta turn it. I'm gonna back it up. Nope. That's not reverse. Shit. I killed turn it. I'm gonna back it up. No, that's not reverse. Shit. I speared a pony.

Starting point is 00:17:31 So, and then the song that we were getting the lyrics for earlier started and we're like, oh! Okay. Thought maybe the subtitles guy was just working in a slam poem. I thought maybe the subtitles guy was just working in a slam poem. Yes, right, right. So okay, so she learns to track her and now dad's gonna teach him about fixing fences. Mm-hmm. Right? But they don't want to learn to fix fences. They're like, why don't we just hire somebody to fix the fences? And he goes, look, what if I'm murdered by Bigfoot one of these days? Who's gonna fix the fucking fences then?

Starting point is 00:18:05 You? Okay. All right, then. We also learned that Mom is dead here. Well, right, because then he's like, just think about what happened to your mother. And I'm like, what happened to your mother? We will never know. Like, so, like, I assumed it was killed by Bigfoot

Starting point is 00:18:18 at this moment. I was never dissuaded from that assumption at any point later. Ashley Wright kills herself in every single film. A lot of movies, yeah man. She's made like 44 fictional universes and she's dead in all of them. She is though.

Starting point is 00:18:40 It's like imagination time, step one. I'm not here Is everything okay, Ashley? Yeah, no shit Yeah, but Dan gets a phone call at this point someone has quote another load for him He used to find out about those a different way, but Ashley made him delete the app off his phone. She got tired of that little brr-brr noise. Oh, look what we just found. You hear that? That was the bottoms in our audience. All the straight people were like,

Starting point is 00:19:21 what makes the brr-brr noise? Is that Candy Crush? My dad gets that from work. Gonna have to ask about the brr-brr noise. The real bottoms are like, Scruff doesn't make a brr-brr noise. It only works on the browser. You need help. All right, go to a doctor. Oh look honey

Starting point is 00:19:50 they reviewed one of our movies let's check it out. Scout I think you're old enough to hear one of these fellas review. So he comes out he tells the kids he's like the boss has another load for me to take. Again, use your imagination. He says, I've gotta go, I'm gonna be gone for a couple of days for the remainder of the movie. Pack a bag for me because I can't do anything for my goddamn self, apparently.

Starting point is 00:20:18 He just lectured them about self-sufficiency. He did too, didn't he? It was his last line. Ha ha ha ha! Sorry kids, you need to learn to make it in this world. Now baby need his backpackum. Don't forget my juice box. Yeah, he farms around a little bit more before he leaves. To this point, this movie's been about 40% people looking over their right shoulder.

Starting point is 00:20:47 You know, like, don't worry, there's something happening and it's back there somewhere. I like that he has to leave because in his head, the movie wouldn't work. Because if Bigfoot shows up and David Owen Wright is there, he's beating the shit out of Bigfoot. It's all in like, don't even go. It doesn't stand a fucking chance, there's no tension.

Starting point is 00:21:04 So it would ruin the whole thing. So he's gotta go get a load from a guy. It's on- out of Bigfoot. It's on like doggy dog. So it would ruin the whole thing. So he's got to go get a load from a guy. It's on-site with Bigfoot. It's understood. Yes. So then, okay, he starts, they do another little farming montage, and this is the first time, but not the last time in the movie,

Starting point is 00:21:20 when a song list starts playing and you'll go, you're just kind of half-assed listening to it, and you go, holy fuck, is this Ashley Wright singing about how sexy Bigfoot is? It is! It is, like three different times, and another time David Owen Wright is singing about how sexy Bigfoot is.

Starting point is 00:21:35 It's fucking nuts, they have a whole album of one-to-fuck Bigfoot music that's hidden right below the surface of this fucking movie. Okay, the actual subtitle thing that happened They have a whole album of one-to-fuck Bigfoot music that's hidden right below the surface of this fucking movie. Okay, the actual subtitle thing that happens during this one. Yes, uh-huh. I wrote this down. The subtitle says, this is the lyrics,

Starting point is 00:21:55 Bigfoot roams and then in brackets, zipper opening... LAUGHTER ...across these lands is the rest of that lyric. And I was like, okay, this is David Ashley's home video. And they like forgot to get new subtitles, clearly. I thought it worked well. Amazing.

Starting point is 00:22:18 Because it's the bag. I think they worked in like, pack a bag so the zipper makes sense. Yep. And can I say something bold? Because you all watched it with us. This music? It's kind of good. Look, the lyrics aren't good. But it's way, way funnier than it's this good, right? Right.

Starting point is 00:22:42 Because if he was like big foot oh big foot Mary had a they put more effort into this than anything else they've ever done in their goddamn lives yes and a Bosnian she ate but she's trying right that's fucking weird there's also a moment here that this is this just cracked me up if you've ever seen if you've seen as many right family films as we have you'll have noticed this J Jaina says to Scout, she goes, yeah, I bet something weird happens while Dad's gone. And Scout says, and I quote,

Starting point is 00:23:11 maybe something won't happen. I'm like, you've seen your mom's movies before, huh? Not so sure about this causality thing, Phil. I'll be the judge of that. So yeah, so they packed dad's bag. There's also a weird moment where they're like, dad gives them a do your chores speech, don't forget your chores and the chickens.

Starting point is 00:23:38 Is this where they ask dad if they're like, are you abandoning us right now? To get a load from a guy? And he says, maybe. He does, okay. Okay, that's real. That's not, he's making this shit up because they say in the movie, they're like,

Starting point is 00:23:57 dad, are you sure you're just doing this for work? Are you just trying to get away from us? And he's like, well, it's a little of both. A little bit. I mean, it's also inflation from Biden's economy. Yes, yeah, you know, it's getting more expensive. The fentanyl crisis, it's creating a lot of at-risk ponies.

Starting point is 00:24:14 I don't know. I got to get a load. And then there's also a weird moment here where he's like, you know, girls, I thought it was going to get harder when your mom died, but it actually got easier. Now, Ashley Wright wrote this movie. She's right, like, we need to reach out. Ashley, if you're listening, you can email me.

Starting point is 00:24:42 I mean, we make a lot of jokes and everything, but I'm worried about you girl. You can't email me Ashley. We're like 90% of your cinematic audience. Yes right, right exactly. You can text me. Yes. So okay, so then dad leaves and we see dad's sweet truck is Ford F-250 thank you very much. This was like this was

Starting point is 00:25:05 right yes that's the it was a cheesecake shot of a Ford. It was. We're in Oregon they get it. So and so any leaves and then there's another the second Bigfoot song starts playing right shadows fall trees lean close the wait is it monster in my mind was the name of the song? Yeah, this one, they make you wait for the Bigfoot, right? It felt like they tried to write a song that wasn't about Bigfoot, and then they, like, Roger rabided themselves.

Starting point is 00:25:37 Yes. They were like, trees lean close in the shadows of a big fucking ape thing. Ah. There's also, like like there's this great because what's happening now is is that Scout now dad's left Scouts wandering in the woods just kind of being melancholy or whatever while mom sings

Starting point is 00:25:57 to us about Bigfoot some more and there's a moment where her hair gets stuck on a twig and ruins the shot. It's so good. It's so long and it's so funny Because it's like an ethereal like Sarah McLachlan moment in the music. She's walking along in the woods Sarah McLachlan Just like that. So, okay. So they feed the ponies some more so that the ponies can be attacked right off to. Then, Jaina and Scout, they dialogue some more, this time about chickens. They've got a chicken anecdote.

Starting point is 00:26:51 Now, normally I would just leave this scene out, but the implications of this haunted me for the rest of the night, the rest of the week, and probably the rest of my life. They say, you remember last year when the chickens all went missing? And then they came back and one of them was missing a toe. Now, we will later learn that the chicken toe stealing agent here was Bigfoot, right? The implication is that Bigfoot tried to get their chickens and only got a toe. Or the chicken kidnapped herself. It's possible it was the Bonnie Lebowski situation. Amazing. So yeah, so Bigfoot, but think about this, because we're supposed to, the rest of the movie,

Starting point is 00:27:49 be scared of Bigfoot, who's been thwarted by a fucking chicken at some point. Where's that movie? Right, yes, the chickens or the ponies, I wanted the ponies to fight Bigfoot at some point. I want to meet the chicken who Bigfoot had it by the toe and just ripped his whole fucking foot around like Furiosa or some shit, right?

Starting point is 00:28:09 It's bad ass. An It Man remake but with a chicken and Bigfoot. I watched the fucking movie. So okay, yeah. So then fucking David Owen Wright starts singing to us about Bigfoot. I swear this is like the third Bigfoot song. We're eight minutes into the fucking movie.

Starting point is 00:28:29 We're dangerously close to music video rather than film. Really? Really? They may have some more of this great dialogue where like a scout is talking about how much she misses mom. And Jane goes, this is actually how it plays. She goes, Jane goes, yeah, we all miss her. Anyway. this mom and Jane it goes this is actually how it plays she goes Jane it goes yeah we all miss her anyway exact words that much pause but then Scout hears a noise a distinctly Sasquatchian noise you know I tried to write Sasquatchian in my notes and spell spell check kept turning it into Saskatchewan.

Starting point is 00:29:07 So goddamn many times, I had to start using my fucking potions. It was insane. I worked so goddamn hard to work, what? Like, there's no reason for me to even tell you about her hearing the fucking noise. This is gonna happen 30 more times. I just worked so fucking hard to write Sasquatchian

Starting point is 00:29:23 into my goddamn notes that I have to get something out of it now. Sorry. She goes, Scout turns to Jane and she goes, do you ever feel like something's watching us? She's like, it's the GAM guys again. It's cool. He said it of a magic to gathering person. He said it was supposed to be disinterry, but that doesn't even make sense. So, okay. We get another...

Starting point is 00:29:55 Right, right. Because so what Heath knows is that I have to introduce a next scene by saying, and then they sing another fucking song about Bigfoot. They do. Sure do. Beneath the pines a shadow tall that's the actual lyrics so and then we watch the kids eat corn on the cob like this is the only time they're allowed to eat. Okay, Jaina goes to town on the cob here. It makes the typewriter noise. Like a cartoon doing the thing I was like respect do you that was good work there was no she got it all there were no like leftover habs can I ask a question that's vulnerable and brave I don't know that we should rather that you didn't do you think they was doing

Starting point is 00:30:39 it anyway did eat the corn on the cob that way by their dad so it wasn't sexy. Oh no. Directed or taught in real life? Bullfuck. It was a... Oh god. That's just good parenting if you think about it. Because it's real, woman realizes she's eating a banana in public vibes, you know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 00:31:04 Yes, yeah. No, I think you... God, Jesus, I think you might be right. Because it's real, woman realizes she's eating a banana in public vibes, you know what I'm saying? Yes, yeah. No, I think you... God, Jesus, I think you might be right. I also felt like, because they're still wearing the matching outfits at this point, I wrote my notes, I feel like these creepy ass cult girls are the monsters in a horror movie for Big Feet. Right?

Starting point is 00:31:18 This is what Big Feet show their kids, you know? Fucking right family's gonna be in. Big Foot wanders in, So then we get Jaina teasing Scout because you know she said she heard a noise so she's like oh there's a monster in the something there is a monster in the woods in your dumbass movie though lady. Then she delivers this amazing line she she goes, do you hear that? The news is on. Do they have the news on like a cat feeder schedule? I don't know.

Starting point is 00:31:56 I wanted to see Bigfoot outside the window with like a remote, just feeling like, yeah right, right. Classic. Idiots. Shit, there's reports about me turning back on. Right,, right. Classic. Idiots. Shit, there's reports about me turning back on. Right, yeah, right. Yeah, but that's the thing, that's the talent we're dealing with here.

Starting point is 00:32:10 What they needed is, well, let's watch some TV, and they fucked it up. She goes, like, the news snuck into the fucking house. They go over there to watch the news, and we get the reporter now, again, because we've watched like 11 of their films, this is the first time we've seen a person in a right family movie that was not a member of the immediate right family like a lot of people nodding along that was a shock right it wasn't dad in a mask right it wasn't mom in a

Starting point is 00:32:37 mustache it was an actual different human being and can I say? Mistake. This guy was like, hey, David, you guys make movies, right? So as part of my court mandated public speaking classes, I was wondering if I could stumble through four lines of dialogue like I'm being held at gunpoint by my parents while they fuck. In the news today, today, I seek God. He goes, he's reporting that there have been some strange noises in the woods. He goes, some people have reported hearing strange noises late at night.

Starting point is 00:33:26 I'm like, who the fuck do you report that to? Is there a guy for that? He goes, a large and possibly dangerous animal could be lurking in the woods. I'm like, based on reports of noises, you reckless fuck. You read Fox News? I'm like, based on reports of noises? You reckless fuck. Read Fox News. And it's a Mexican.

Starting point is 00:33:57 So okay, so the girls are getting ready for bed. Eli and I both have a lot of notes on how bad Scout's tooth brushing technique is. She eats a tube of toothpaste like a yogurt pouch. Okay. And then she takes the tooth brushing and goes, and she's like, good. She's back and forth in it instead of up and down in it. I had dentures by the age of 45 and I'm talking shit on her tooth brushing technique.

Starting point is 00:34:28 It's called toothbrush, not toothbrushes. You just get it once real hard. As long as you eat your half a cup of toothpaste. That's what it's all about. A lot of them good flavors. I just like some of the toothpaste. Some of them are good. Yeah. Unfortunately.

Starting point is 00:34:51 They taste like rainbows or whatever. Yeah. So, okay, and then this happens. Okay, so we hear glass breaking and we hear a growl. The subtitles confirm it. It goes, glass break, growl. And then Scout walks in and she says, Jaina, I heard a bunch of scratching and banging. The fuck you did, Whis? I'm reading on the screen what you heard.

Starting point is 00:35:18 The closed captioning is trying to gaslight. It is, over and over again. The audience? Yeah. And Jaina looks out the window she goes it's just the wind or an animal and she's like yeah I figured it was one of those things too but they're not equivalent in how worried I should be. It brings up the question what is Bigfoot doing in this part of the movie? Right? Because it is Bigfoot, right? We're going to learn that it's Bigfoot.

Starting point is 00:35:50 So what we're supposed to believe is in the first 20 minutes of the movie, Bigfoot's just sort of wandering around this pony rescue being like... Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Starting point is 00:36:05 Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Starting point is 00:36:13 Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Starting point is 00:36:21 Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! I kicked a trash can. I'm more than tall. I'm the parking guy. So there's a parking guy. You're like nobody was with me on the toothpaste tasting good. I want to circle back. I feel like a lot of liars out there.

Starting point is 00:36:42 You really lost the room. I lost the room hard. You lost them hard. There's a couple lot of liars out there. You really lost the room. I lost the room hard. You lost the room hard. A couple hands went up. Thank you. One person. Alright. You have one other toothpaste pervert in the room. Yeah. I was hoping for one.

Starting point is 00:36:53 No, the... Okay. Rocking the face mask, not for health reasons, but because their teeth are so goddamn gleaming white we wouldn't even be able to see. Yeah. Because it's full of toothpaste. The best-tasting toothpaste you ever done fuck it okay so then so okay so Jaina goes out to check on the ponies cuz Scout heard some noises and we watched Scout being really nervous about it but not nervous enough that she didn't

Starting point is 00:37:20 just send her sister out into it so So Janet goes outside, we get a jump scare, right? She puts the ponies up and she sees something. All we see is a shadow, right? We see her see something. So she grabs a shovel like she's going to varm it, hammer Bigfoot. But then she makes it inside. Nothing having happened. Again. inside nothing having happened again because Bigfoot just ran away drunk and

Starting point is 00:37:50 it's like yeah yeah yeah touch the inside of the part of that time how about a celebratory toothbrush perhaps mango guava this evening. That was very specific. You have a favorite. That is one of my favorites. Yeah. This person knows what I'm talking about. Fucking mango guava, am I right?

Starting point is 00:38:19 Where my toothies at? So yeah, but Jaina comes back in and she turns to Scout and she says, I saw the bear and it was huge. And it smelled like mom and dad sex. I don't know what I mean by that, but you know what I mean by that, sis? All right. Like that musk.

Starting point is 00:38:44 It smelled like the wet spot on their bed. From the hall. Oh God. Yeah. Yeah. Your mom and dad had a wet spot on the bed too. And if your dad's Italian, it was a big one. Oh.

Starting point is 00:39:01 Oh, I was going to try to stop him before he started stereotyping. I'm too late again. All right. It was positive. It was positive. Well, consider yourselves- They're good at sex. They're good at having a lot of sperm. Italian men will make you squirt.

Starting point is 00:39:16 That's just science. I can't do the N-word back yet, can I? All right. They don't care that it's P. Consider yourself suspended while we pause for this much earned break, but we'll be back in a minute with even more Bigfoot Blood on the Bar. Ladies you looking for the ATM? No, no. Okay.

Starting point is 00:39:51 Well, oh, they're gone. They're gone. Yeah. No, I saw. Hey guys. What are you doing here at the beach? And why have you stapled money to your bodies? Oh, hey Noah.

Starting point is 00:39:59 Heath and I are just showing off our savings bods. Your savings bods? Yep. That's right, Noah. Summer is just around the corner and the folks at Mint off our savings bods. Your savings bods? Yep. That's right Noah. Summer is just around the corner and the folks at Mint Mobile have a hot take. Getting a summer bod is out and getting your savings bod is in. This spring and summer we want skimpy wireless bills and fat wallets. And with premium wireless plans for just 15 bucks a month, you can have both without breaking

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Starting point is 00:41:04 See MintMobile for details. Alright guys, then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details. Alright guys, thanks. No problem. I still don't understand why the babes weren't pulled in though. I mean, I guess I... I would think it was the bleeding. I knew it. It's like you guys have never seen the crow.

Starting point is 00:41:18 This is not like the crow. It's like the crow. A little bit. It's not unlike the crow. Hi, I'm Tony D from Tony D's house of I guess anybody can put out a CD now. Here to tell you about our brand new musical offering, The Wright Family sings about Big Foot. Big foot where you going with your big old monster feet.

Starting point is 00:41:46 This CD is packed with 133 tracks about seeing Bigfoot, loving Bigfoot, and knowing Bigfoot is out there. I know you're there, Bigfoot. I can see you in the trees. And that's not all. 13 kid-friendly bonus tracks means learning about Bigfoot is fit for anybody of any age. Baby Bigfoot do do do do do baby Bigfoot do do do do do baby Bigfoot do do do do do Bigfoot. The rights sing about Bigfoot.

Starting point is 00:42:21 Wow, they really think about Bigfoot. Wow. They really think about Bigfoot a lot. And we're back. When we last left off, nothing had happened. We're going to rejoin that action with the girls making themselves some eggs the following morning. I like that Scout kind of got mad here, like politically. Did she? Well, Jaina takes out eggs and Scouts like, in this economy? Yeah, right.

Starting point is 00:42:54 They made this movie in 2025. Crazy. How the fuck did they afford this? Glad that guy got prostate cancer, right? Interesting. Biden's economy? Toothpaste? Joe Biden's cancer diagnosis. cancer, right? Interesting. Toothpaste, Joe Biden's cancer

Starting point is 00:43:09 diagnosis. Also, I have to point out the close captioning here at this point says crickets chirping and then bear growling. Nothing like that is happening in the movie. The close captions are hallucinating. They're watching this the fucking they're watching a better movie than us.

Starting point is 00:43:26 And then dad calls. He says, you know, I should be home by tomorrow night. And they're like, great, I'm sure that the script will remember that you said that when tomorrow night shows up in the chronology. And he's like, I wouldn't count on it Depends on how much time guys need between loads About a refractory period how quickly my big-foot suit dries

Starting point is 00:44:00 Oh. How quickly my big foot suit dries. Oh no. So okay, then the movie like. Some taste toothpaste can never get out of your mouth. No matter how delicious. So then the movie tries to jump scare us by literally sneaking up behind us and saying boo. Right? Scout is out feeding the ponies and Jaina sneaks up on her and goes, boo!

Starting point is 00:44:33 And she gets mad at her and this is of course where I wrote for the first time in my notes, ponies got that not my circus, not my monkeys look that we told you about before. That was, they actually pan over to a pony here And we get to see a pony be like kind of embarrassed for the movie and yes be in the movie but he's covering its face with a folder like Gretchen Whitmer and The pony looks at the camera with a way you guys look at people when I'm around yes He's I it's a thing. But.

Starting point is 00:45:08 You can call the cops. But after they, so they feed the ponies, they get the jump scare, and then they look and it looks like somebody has smashed through their gate. They better check on the other animals, right? So they check on the sheep, sheep's fine, better check on the other animals, right? So they check on the sheep, sheep's fine, they check on the cow, the cow is missing. And the gate's not open. It is as though, as Scout says,

Starting point is 00:45:35 something lifted it all the way up out of the pen. What a weird fucking observation. I want to meet the Bigfoot that can lift a cow out of a pen but can't get more than a toe off of a fucking chicken. I like, I like Jaina too because Jaina's supposed to be the skeptic here. She goes, I don't know, cows can jump pretty high. I'm like a picture of a cow doing the Fosbury flop. She said that and I was like, can't they jump pretty high? I actually Googled it. Cows can jump six feet in the air.

Starting point is 00:46:18 Six feet in the air. I heard one that got over the moon. What a beautifully gentle joke. Mere minutes after I said that Italian make women squirt. I like to think the rights just called the girls back into the room. Girls, girls, come on. We got one we want you to hear. The pretty one done made a cow jumped over the moon joke for you. Come on. Come on, girls, come on. We got one we want you to hear.

Starting point is 00:46:48 The pretty one done made a cow jump over the moon joke for you. 13 year olds, that one was for you. Yeah. All right, so yeah, so then they decide that they're gonna go back inside. Or no, no, I'm sorry. They gotta go look for the cow. After agreeing that Bigfoot is out there or that some kind of cow-lifting monster is out there,

Starting point is 00:47:10 they're like, well, I guess we should probably wander out, see if we can find the cow and the monster, right? And not just wander out, they split up. Yes, let's split up. I wrote in my notes, let's split up. You know what they say, safety in number. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:47:30 So, yeah, so Scout's walking around alone in the woods now. She hears noises, not woods noises. One of them is what I described as laser arrows. Ha ha ha ha. And then she's like, she goes like, oh, no, Lucy, that's Jane's character. So she calls for her sister, Jane, and then immediately Jane is there. Like so fast, like we split up three seconds ago and you scream,

Starting point is 00:47:57 yeah right. I just turned to you and here we are. She goes, what is it? She goes, it's nothing. It's literally nothing. And like everything else in this movie, nothing has happened. And Jane is like, well, it's okay. I'm done looking anyway. Let's head back now. Nothing having happened. This is where the clothes captioning says, screams.

Starting point is 00:48:18 There are no screams. The movie is completely silent. And it just comes up and says screams. And I'm like are you talking about your own screams man? 100%. I was waiting for like a Ron Howard to start contradicting the closed captioning. It's like there were no screams. Starts pitching its own ideas. Maybe where was it? Scream screen here yeah but they sure will miss Betty the cow and just then they come across some bloody cow bits now if they don't mean

Starting point is 00:48:54 Bigfoot blood on the farm this is the only other blood they could be talking about there's a little bit of cow blood here. So they're looking at the cow bits and then they hear a growl, so they run for the house. Well, sort of. It's... It's sort of. They're in the woods just barely technically. It's like four...

Starting point is 00:49:17 They're literally three feet into the... Yes. You can see the yard and they hear a growl or the closed captioning told them there was a growl And they're and they have three feet to work with so it's like let's get the fuck out. Okay. We made it. We made it Yeah And in like they could have shot that any distance from their own home. They have a lot of woods I'm looking at it. It's very clearly that could have been a suspenseful scene

Starting point is 00:49:43 But instead they were just already there and nothing's chasing them Right like what like theoretically we're supposed to imagine that big foot said that we don't see big foot, right? So it's just a couple of girls that dart into the house You remember when you were a kid and you had to go do something in the basement and then you spook yourself Because you were like what if there's a monster down here? And so you run upstairs way too fast. But then your dad was there, so you'd be like, hey. Hey, dad. What's up?

Starting point is 00:50:13 Just cardioing. Cardioing. That's why I was sprinting and screaming. Excited for my junior year of college coming up. excited for my junior year of college coming up. You know it's still some of you. You have kids and you're like, I'm just going to carry the laundry a little faster. It's okay.

Starting point is 00:50:36 So they get back to the house, they lock the door. But Jaina has an idea. If they ignore it, it'll go away. Oh yeah, that's the plan here. That's your plan. We're going to do nothing? We're just going to pop back down? Yes.

Starting point is 00:50:52 Do less about Bigfoot. Yeah. They're like, you know, if we just don't do anything, he'll get bored and he'll go away. And I'm like, what about the ponies? And they're like, fuck. Shit. And then like like, fuck. Shit. And then like, so then there's a loud crash outside, like, Jaina's making herself a drink of water,

Starting point is 00:51:10 there's a loud crash and she drops it and it breaks. And I'm like, oh, are we done ignoring it already? Jaina, it was your fucking idea. Okay, this is where I think Jaina really took on some big Sarah Huckabee Sanders energy for the rest of the movie. Yes. Like she goes hard.

Starting point is 00:51:28 She had her brita water and she got mad because she got Pops scared out of dropping her water. And she's like, that's it, we're not doing nothing. I'm going to scare this bear or Bigfoot away. I'm going to establish sexual dominance out there. Yes. That's the new plan. Shut up, Scout.

Starting point is 00:51:44 Yeah, no, she's going to get inside. Get me my there. Yes. That's the new plan. Shut up scout. Yeah. No, she's gonna get inside Yeah, she goes she goes I'm gonna go fight Bigfoot. She's like, are you sure she's like, yeah She's like don't forget to take dad's gun So she opens a kitchen drawer And Pulls out a loaded handgun and hands it to her sister barrel first. Yep. That's actually what happened. It might as well come out of a spinny spice rack. And they might as well pass it through a French kiss. Yeah. With how uncareful they are.

Starting point is 00:52:27 I was sucking while I'm watching the movie. Ah, ah, ah! Guys. Ah! I guarantee that here's, I'm going to make this sad for just a second. There's no fucking way that was a prop gun. There's no fucking way David Owen Wright owns a fake gun. Not only is there no chance that's a prop gun,

Starting point is 00:52:48 there's no chance that gun wasn't loaded. Oh, that was a loaded gun. Ashley was like, David, do you want to take the bullets out of the gun? And he was like, no, what if there's an intruder while we're making the movie? That's when Mexico will strike, Ashley. Girls, stop picking your teeth with the gun again. I told you, use the 22 for that. It's smaller and it's got that little scare.

Starting point is 00:53:23 Can we get one of those fancy toothpaste goods that Heath and Red has? And that one listener at his live show, Papa? So, okay. I long for almond roca. He has almond roca toothpaste. No. I see.

Starting point is 00:53:44 Okay, so then Jaina goes out, she goes out with a gun to check on the ponies. I'm like, what's she gonna fucking do with the ponies? Bring them inside? Right? But she gets out there, this is where we first get our, the like glimpse. They're gonna jaws this Bigfoot costume with us, right?

Starting point is 00:54:00 We're gonna see a little bit at a time. This is the first time we see like a toe of Bigfoot. So it's, we're getting there. But Bigfoot backs off. He has a very, like a too much time left in the movie to make my move kind of vibe. So he backs off. Jayden freaks out.

Starting point is 00:54:16 She, Scout runs out right at this moment and Jayden like freaks out and immediately shoots at her. That is what happens. Yeah. I thought she shot her sister. I thought you shot her too. I did too. Yeah. They shoot it like she shot her to death

Starting point is 00:54:34 in that fucking moment. And I just, and all of us went, holy shit. Like it was going to take a turn. It turns out she didn't get shot. In fairness, Scout ran in there like Homer Simpson does when Bart's having the nightmares like, you want to see my new chainsaw and hockey mask? Oh! Yeah, yeah. And get shot at. So you gave her the gun, Scout. So yeah, but Bigfoot runs off. Well, no, sorry, no, Bigfoot now grabs her by the

Starting point is 00:55:01 throat, but from off screen, right? Like he reaches through the door and grabs her by the throat but from off screen right like he reaches through the door and grabs her throat and lifts her up so we can't see the rest of the costume yet don't worry though Jaina does varmint hammer him with the shovel he runs off I wrote in my notes go get another chicken toe, you half-ass Sasquatch. I was talking some shit. Half-ass Sasquatch, half-ass Sasquatch. Nice. Nice. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:55:32 But it's so clearly the fucking Wookie costume that David and Ashley are using to do Star Wars outfits together. Oh yeah, yeah. Absolutely. 100%. So yeah, so... Ron didn't shoot first tonight. And she goes,

Starting point is 00:55:57 I'm not letting that pass. Do a wookie noise. Wait, what? Do a wookie noise. That's insane. That's insane how not a Wookie... Wait, you do it. Alright, Heath. I'm... Alright, but now I'm afraid we got to show you the door. Wookie is being pegged by Han. He went up. Yeah, you go higher. Just take it up a register. The elf just sat there while you were like... by Han Alphys. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr And Janet goes, we just saw Bigfoot. She goes, should we call the cops? And Janet goes, no, it would ruin

Starting point is 00:56:50 the reputation of the farm. Okay. Okay. Yes. So like, it's an economics argument? It's a pony rescue. So like somebody's calling up and they're like, I'd like to buy some at risk ponies.

Starting point is 00:57:11 But I heard your daughters are talking about cryptids a lot. I'm going to need a fucking deal. Some ponies at drug court, just not the rights farm. Just not the rights farm. ponies at drug court just not the rights farm just not the right I want to go to that place John Mulaney went okay so yeah so she's they decided not to call the cops and then the closed captioning goes I'm sorry she says call dad and the closed captioning says, phone ringing. And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about?

Starting point is 00:57:46 Man, that's your phone. And your home. Like they said phone, and so the closed captioning guy's like, I bet there's a fucking phone ringing in their mind somewhere. But they're calling out, and we never hear a phone ringing sound. So she calls dad, and she's like, hey dad,

Starting point is 00:58:04 Bigfoot is attacking us and killing the animals. And he goes, god damn it, every fucking time I try to take a load. I'll bet you, but just then she loses her reception. She goes, Scott goes, what if dad doesn't make it back in time and Jane is like, stop being such a fucking downer, Scout. This is why I shot you. The close caption, the next scene, the close caption says rain pouring and it's just this

Starting point is 00:58:39 pathetic little drizzle and I'm like, come on, man, we can see what the rain's doing. But they start talking about it, they're like, well maybe Bigfoot is afraid of the rain and will leave and I'm like, given the fucking pacing of this movie, that's entirely possible. But then Scout's like, good point, I'm gonna go take a shit. So.

Starting point is 00:59:04 and Scouts like, good point, I'm gonna go take a shit. So. Don't follow me in here. I'll shoot you again. I'm splitting up. So, so she goes to take a shit and then we see Bigfoot peeking in the window like he's trying to watch this little girl go to the bathroom.

Starting point is 00:59:26 Yeah, right? And well, here's the fucked up thing is that it's her father in a costume. Right? Like it just, I made it darker, didn't I? Yeah. You get it. I mean, it's Portland, but it's still Oregon.

Starting point is 00:59:42 Oh, you're not all from here. So, but then, so Bigfoot punches through the window. The funniest aspect of this entire movie to me is that they actually broke one of their own windows to make this film, right? Bigfoot punches through the window, so the girls run. I guess she was mid-shit, I don't know. We don't really resolve that.

Starting point is 01:00:04 Has to pinch it off real quick. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Psst. You doing that thing where you're trying to squeeze it in? Yeah. I can't inhale, what? So. Wait, you're trying to get it back on.

Starting point is 01:00:22 I don't really want to tell the audience what Eli's visualizing at this point. You know, I want to finish. Don't interrupt. You're never going back in with it. Sometimes you got it, it's like this is too much. I'm just gonna go back in. You got to procrastinate. And then you go for a walk. Yeah, exactly. Or you have like a half cup of coffee. Yeah, yeah. Okay. I wonder why Ashley always writes herself out of her movies. So Bigfoot gets in the house. He bursts through the door.

Starting point is 01:00:58 They run up. They get up into the attic. They pull the ladder up behind him. Bigfoot doesn't know how to do ladders. Is there a Bigfeet? They're notoriously bad with ladders. Apparently, yeah, clearly, and the girls know it. We get Bigfoot being audibly angry about being bad with ladders, you know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 01:01:15 We get like, growl, growl, gotta learn ladders, fucking stupid. But this is, so yeah, he's trying to get him, and then he hears a cow mooing, and he's like, ooh, squirrel, and he goes and he chases it, but this is the first time when he's trying to get him, and then he hears a cow mooing, and he's like, ooh, squirrel. And he goes and he chases it. But this is the first time when he's leaving from there, this is the first time we had a very clear look at the Bigfoot costume.

Starting point is 01:01:34 It looks like a gorilla fucked a Care Bear, guys. So I don't wanna, I'm not trying to fat shame David Owen Wright, but there's a certain size where you can't be Bigfoot. Right? Like, there's just a certain size where that's just not how Bigfoot's shaped, generally speaking. And it's funny, it's fucking hell. Biggerfoot.

Starting point is 01:02:01 But yeah. So, but Bigfoot wanders off to get some cow, I guess, and Scout turns to Jane, they're in the basement now, like eight seconds later, Scout turns to Jane and goes, is he gone? And I'm like, she's in the same fucking attic as you! How the fuck would she know any better? But she says, well, I guess we could just hide here.

Starting point is 01:02:23 And they're like, well, fuck. Shit, we could. That solves the whole goddamn movie. God, because you can't do the ladders. I like that Jaina gets mad to get them out of that plot problem. She's like, it's so sweaty up here, I have a rash. Yes. We have to get out of here because it's sweaty. She goes, it's too hot. We'd die of thirst.

Starting point is 01:02:42 Fucking hot is your attic, lady. I haven't drunk toothpaste for minutes. So yeah so. Now they're gonna do the window thing. So they decide they need to go downstairs they need to board up the window that Bigfoot got in through. Don't worry they've got scrap wood in the basement. Nothing surprises me less than the knowledge that the Wright family has scrap wood in the basement. So then Jane has to lower the ladder from the attic and she's supposed to be trying to do it really quietly. But it's just... Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr So they sneak up.

Starting point is 01:03:47 Wait, wait, was that I said what I said? Okay. So okay. So they leave the attic. They sneak through the house to some ominous music. I wrote my notes. I wonder if nothing will happen some more. Spoilers.

Starting point is 01:04:09 They creep into the basement, they get their two pieces of wood. I wanted them to get down there, Bigfoot just like slowly spins around in his chair, tossing a plank. Well, well, well. Here we go but they get their wood and then they have to have the you know accidentally drop the piece of wood and make a lot of noise thing but Jaina is not a particularly good actor so she infomercials her way into it and clackity clacks they look up but nothing

Starting point is 01:04:43 happens I mean I guess I guess Bigfoot comes back in and breaks some shit above and he clack, and he clacks, they look up, but nothing happens. I mean, I guess Bigfoot comes back in and breaks some shit above him, right? We hear some foley, but then he leaves, and so they grab their two pieces of wood, and they go to board up all the windows. With screwdrivers. So honestly, I'm tempted to talk some shit,

Starting point is 01:05:06 but like I feel like if there's one thing that the Wright family knows better than me, it's how to board up windows. My guess is maybe screws are the way to go there. But the funny thing about it is that they don't let her screw them all the way in. Because she's just like a fucking 15 year old girl that's not like done this before.

Starting point is 01:05:27 So she's just powering her way, she doesn't have like an automatic, she's just using a fucking hand screwdriver trying to crank that thing in. And I'm like, oh my God, please let us watch for the next three and a half minutes while this little girl tries to screw this thing. Although finally they get it like an inch in.

Starting point is 01:05:43 She's like, that's fine fine fine shit also the planks they use are long enough to have two planks they could cover the entire window vertically or or you cover exactly half the window they went with the ladder the ladder I was hoping right as they were doing it big foot would just punch through the top what are you doing but also we should screw those all the way in too I'm just gonna say yes but also we should point out too that the window is like this big. Right? Bigfoot was a large, large Bigfoot.

Starting point is 01:06:31 Also we watched him come in through the fucking door. Maybe he was gaslighting us the whole fucking time about this. But then the girls that walk in and they see that the doors wide open, they're like, oh fuck I Feel so stupid we were boarding up the window the goddamn door was that we didn't Did you did you even lock the fucking door when we came in they start giving each other shit?

Starting point is 01:06:54 You know like this whole movie is just David lecturing his daughters about not shutting the doors 100% or what's this movie about, girls? I'll tell you. It's about two young ladies who don't shut the door behind them when they come inside. And then somebody loses an arm from Bigfoot. That's right. That's why you locked the door. They get raped by a Bigfoot.

Starting point is 01:07:21 Now act it out. Oh, God. Now act it out. Oh god. It's okay. That's what happens in their house. I didn't make that up for the joke. They make up a Bigfoot rape and then they have their kids act it out. Oh Jesus Christ. Spoilers. So okay. I mean that is what happens in the...

Starting point is 01:07:46 We'll get there. We'll get there. So they head upstairs to hash out their plans if Bigfoot returns. Jaina wants to listen to the news on the radio like all the teenage girls these days. The radio news says, and I quote, people are reporting an unidentifiable creature in the area. Unidentifiable?

Starting point is 01:08:07 Is he blurry? What? We've got these three blind guys you see in here. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha One of them thinks he's a roach. So... So... So... So... So, Jaina goes, Jaina goes, If we don't feed and water the animals,

Starting point is 01:08:37 they'll die. Am I tonight? Because Dad's supposed to be back any minute now. But they decide they're gonna take a midday nap, right after saying that if they don't feed the animals, they'll die. They're like, let's take a midday nap. This movie's scary, you're at night.

Starting point is 01:08:57 There's a moment where they're all, where they're laying there, there's a moment where like a scout hears a noise and she wakes up and she walks around the house looking to see what the noise was. it was nothing so she goes back to bed I really wanted her to walk into the kitchen and Bigfoot's there like morning sleepy head I heard you guys had eggs and I figured think $400 worth of eggs right here all right right, well nothing happening is this movie's version

Starting point is 01:09:25 of something happening I guess, so we're gonna call that the end of act two and take ourselves another break. But first, let me give act three the hard sell. Will David show up to fight Bigfoot just in the nick of time and be all like pow, pow, bang? Will that be really awkward to shoot since he's also the guy in the gorilla costume? Did I write this before I watched the last third of the movie?

Starting point is 01:09:55 You bet your fucking ass on all three. So stick around for the exciting conclusion of Bigfoot Blood on the Bar. Thank you. And so I said, I'm a sovereign citizen and I'm traveling right now. Oh, that's so smart. Hey, mom, dad. Yes, daughter. Whatever.

Starting point is 01:10:24 Whatever your name is, what up? So look, I love that we make these movies as a family. They are so fucked. Well, I'm so happy to hear you say that, sweetie. But it feels like you guys might be using these movies for... Tax fraud. What? Honey, what?

Starting point is 01:10:43 No. Whatever could you mean? Well, I was just reading the opening montage of the movie and it says in the script David drives his brand new tractor and then his brand new truck. Well, why do those have to be new in the script? Well, it cuz the the mom died and left Inheritance. Okay, but in the flashback with the mom, it says, Mom appears and she just got her nails done at the nice salon.

Starting point is 01:11:14 You know the one I mean, the one they talk English. That's both problematic and seems like you're using the movies for tax fraud. Well, honey, did you read the new scene? The new scene? Yeah, uh, yes, the one where you ride your brand new bicycle. How many speed? Um, ten speed? Twelve, it is at twelve speed.

Starting point is 01:11:42 You know what, Mom mom and dad never mind you and we're back thank you so much when we last left off Jaina and Scout were taking a nap and asking the movie to wake them up if anything happened. We're going to rejoin the action late that night with them peering out the window, wondering if there's a finale out there somewhere. There you go. You think there'll be a movie, sis?

Starting point is 01:12:22 So now there's this great moment. Jaina is telling Scout we got to keep the lights off, right? So Bigfoot doesn't see in there. So she turns off the light and then she opens the refrigerator, which has a glass front. It's so good. And Bigfoot's supposed to be like casing the joint at this moment or whatever. I guess.

Starting point is 01:12:46 And there's windows open everywhere and then the light comes on and there's the fridge and they're just standing there. I'm picturing Bigfoot just being like, all right, you're fucking ruining this. Like it's not even hard. I'm going to hunt down a more challenging family. Maybe that's how they train Bigfoots is like on the rights. Yeah, right, right.

Starting point is 01:13:09 All right, we're going to start you off with an easy one. These people are well, they shoot each other a lot. Bang on the siding and poor handgun control do the rest. You know what I'm saying? Shake a shingle. So let the Second Amendment do the rest, you know what I'm saying? Shake a shingle. So. Let the Second Amendment do the work. But.

Starting point is 01:13:32 But now, Bigfoot's got a new strategy now. He's taken one of the pony's hostage. They look outside, they're like, the window's down, the gate's down, and one of the ponies is missing. So, Jaina runs out to the yard. This is the first time we've seen, because we've seen the costume now,

Starting point is 01:13:52 we haven't seen the mask, right? The mask looks ready to hear no evil at any minute. It's fucking hilarious. But Jaina runs out, she's decided she's gonna wrestle Bigfoot. So she goes, they had a gun. She leaves the gun inside. Yes, and they'll have a big one. So yes, she wrestles with Bigfoot for a little while. Now,

Starting point is 01:14:18 She does get inside Bigfoot's guard. She does. She does. That's the only thing that keeps her going. She gets inside and then they don thing that keeps her going. She gets insane. And then, now, they don't have a lot of Bigfoot fight choreography, but don't worry. They can shake the camera to an unlimited degree. They have to let you. And I wrote in my notes at this point, so apologies for this, I wrote in my notes, I know they're not going for Bigfoot is trying to rape her but I only know that because I know this family right like based entirely on this scene

Starting point is 01:14:52 you would think oh fuck that little girl and I don't know that So then I think Ashley called cut a few times. Get off her date. Get up. It was too much. So then I'm just going to shake the camera. I'm using my grounded and pounds. No fine. We got it. That's enough. So then so never let me do anything. But Bigfoot gets the advantage on her eventually. She hits him with a big rock right gets him upside the head with the big rock That's not enough though. So out comes scout with a hilariously comically large rifle

Starting point is 01:15:53 She comes out with fucking Megatron in her arms So she shoots Bigfoot and then Bigfoot kind of grumbles away with oh I'm going to take my ball and go home kind of an attitude about it. I don't know where to shoot motherfuckers down here. Give me a chicken toe. So then the two children come back into the house carrying again a very real, gigantic oversized rifle. Oh, listeners at home, Eli is demonstrating an improper way to carry a rifle. So and then...

Starting point is 01:16:49 Evergreen comment. So okay, so and then just to give you an idea how bad they are at filmmaking, there's this moment where they get back inside. Scout sets down the rifle, right? The camera zooms in on the rifle. There's a music sting, you know sting to emphasize how unarmed they are, and then she hears the noise and picks back up the rifle. Like this movie just doesn't know why other films emphasize some things and not others.

Starting point is 01:17:16 So she brings Jane in, she's like, here, sit by the fire, wait by the fire, I'll get you a chair. So she turns around and there's a chair like immediately behind her. She goes, I'll get you a chair. Except it's really fucking heavy. So she... Except it's really fucking heavy. So she...

Starting point is 01:17:47 Hee! Hee! You want me to hold the rifle in my mouth while you move the chair? You can hear Ashley in the background, girls don't scratch out my floor. And then at this point random words just start appearing in the closed captioning. It says there.

Starting point is 01:18:14 And then it just says go. Like it's trying to warn us off. There! Go! They're not looking but there go I out of the movie so they weren't Christian in this movie no they weren't I found that weird I think they were Christian in this you think so yeah at the end what happened the other was Christian. We'll get to it Okay, interesting interesting

Starting point is 01:18:53 So they turn the lights off they get the rifle I want to point out they still haven't fed or watered the animals that were gonna die if they didn't feed and water them Jane there's a moment here too whereaina is like throwing a lot of shade. She goes like, wow, you know, I was out there fighting Bigfoot and you came out with the rifle and you saved my life. And that's just so unlike you to do something so brave and selfless and competent. You actually pulled it off. Are you nagging me right now about how I saved your life?

Starting point is 01:19:27 Right, yeah, I mean, you shot me. Right, right, you shot at me earlier today, lady. I don't think you can talk any shit. She said, there's a point here where I just started writing down every word of the dialogue. Jane, it goes, I could have sworn I was, no, I'm sorry, that's not the dialogue, whatever. I decided in that moment

Starting point is 01:19:45 that I wouldn't let fear destroy my family. She says, the other girl goes, you're not the only one who's scared. I hide it well, but I've been terrified. The other girl turns to, I'm sorry, I'm just reading you the script at this point, but the other girl turns to her, she goes, he's going to come back for revenge, isn't he? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:20:05 The Bigfoot. Yes. This is like a sophisticated ass Bigfoot. Yeah. The theory now. This is where Jada adds something to the Bigfoot lore I was not aware of. Jada says, and I quote, Bigfoot always comes back for revenge.

Starting point is 01:20:23 Yes. She's got some Bigfoot experience apparently I mean this is their third Bigfoot movie I guess that makes sense And she also cuts the power to the house comes in with night vision. Yeah She also says that this one doing pull-ups. I was gonna say Being dropped down on a line. Yeah, exactly. But she also says at this point... She says MS-13. I think that's just Ariel font. That doesn't look like a real. Do you have wingdings on your other hand? Yeah. But she also says at this point,

Starting point is 01:21:10 well when Bigfoot comes back, we'll shoot him, and Jayna goes, shooting him never works. And I'm like, it just worked. She says, this'll never win, will it end? And I'm like, when you shoot him enough. Yeah. She says, okay, so then she's like, all right, well we'll need to keep watch,

Starting point is 01:21:30 so I'll take first watch. So Jena starts walking back and forth like a fucking metal gear guard with a gun, while Scout pulls two chairs together to make a makeshift bed. But they're in their home. She could just go up to her bed. Or sleep on the couch, which is much like two chairs

Starting point is 01:21:51 pulled together to make a makeshift bed. No idea. No idea. So okay. So then, okay. So Scout's napping while Jane is marching back and forth with this gigantic fucking rifle. She has an idea too. She's, she knows that Bigfoot doesn't like the heat, so she turns the heat up. We watched her adjust the thermostat.

Starting point is 01:22:17 I was so sure that like Bigfoot and David were going to smash in like Kool-Aid man. Don't touch, what do we say about doors? And thermostats in big boots, like exactly, thank you. We have a wood-burning stove for a reason, yes. Fuck. So the closed captioning at this point just says Mia at the bottom. Like the guy's calling out for a long lost love.

Starting point is 01:22:46 Now apparently Scout's character's name is Mia. This is the first time it's spoken in the entire fucking movie. So, like, her name is Mia. And, like, a minute and a half later, someone will yell, Mia! That's what the closed captioning is telling us about, right? It's just going to stay up there the entire time. Did you look at the thermostat closely?

Starting point is 01:23:05 Dude, it was set to 58 goddamn degrees. Yes it was. The heat was set to 50. Now look, I'm an environmentally conscious guy and all, but 58 fucking degrees? That's child abuse, y'all. And like bumping it up to 66 was like- Yes, they bumped it all the way up to Handle the heat let's put it to 66

Starting point is 01:23:30 You know what it is you were it is is that David Owen right can't be in that fucking outfit if it's over 66 degrees Also, it was 58 degrees and earlier, Jane was like, I'm sweating so much. Yes, right. I'm going to die of heat in the fucking attic. I'm going to rash. It's almost 67 degrees. Your mother takes forever to come.

Starting point is 01:23:59 God, I wish I was Italian. So then OK, so then Bigfoot kicks down the door, right? Well, kicks it? We see a door fall in. An entire door inward. Yes. So, like Bigfoot unscrewed the hinges. Then put it, then put it back up.

Starting point is 01:24:26 And then put it on the inside. And was like, dramatic. Yeah. I wanted them to catch him halfway through like he's raising up the door and he's like, Ah, fuck you, saw. Oh shit. You ruined it. Do you want us to go back out? No, it. It's big. Do you want us to go back out?

Starting point is 01:24:46 No, it's too late. You can do it again. Your mother takes too long. I'm surprised I will. Your mother takes too long to come. So okay, so Bigfoot comes in. Now I want to remind you guys that they have like a fucking aircraft carrier gun, right? They have a fucking naval gun they are never going to acknowledge that again in the movie

Starting point is 01:25:09 right because like Bigfoot comes in and they whisper discuss the plan for a very long time they go okay let's go upstairs and when we go upstairs we'll then go back downstairs and then we'll go upstairs and we'll count out the window in really quick yes what if we just fucking shoot him with the real no that would be too easy we're not to feed shoot him with the real no that would be too easy we would not defeat your length yet did you say that'll be too easy so we're gonna get to an hour and 24 right now real movies are an hour and 24 goddamn minutes okay Bigfoot standing right behind so but their plan is to go upstairs then climb out the window

Starting point is 01:25:45 back downstairs, and then run out to the truck where they'll be safe. So they pull this rope out, which apparently Jane had in her ass. I don't know where it came from. I think she grabbed it from the linen closet of their house which which is a lot like best-case scenario actually has a sign on it that says in case I'm ever brave

Starting point is 01:26:22 in case I'm ever brave. Oh my god, dude. Man, okay. Hey girls, will you run into the noose closet and grab my robe? There's a squatty potty in there too. I just need it for something. Don't worry about it. I want to be very clear that this half of the table was doing sex jokes. Okay. We were doing bondage jokes over here. And then over this guy over here had to make

Starting point is 01:26:53 it so fucking dark. There's nothing sexier than auto erotic. Jesus Christ. Don't you goddamn encourage him. You're gonna get my ass sued. Hey! Hey! Who's gonna choke themselves while they jerk off tonight? Yeah! Our legal counsel is here and it is under her advisement that I inform you.

Starting point is 01:27:24 Okay, alright, alright. I am for okay. All right. All right. I am I am legally required You will never feel the pleasure. I Am I am legit a Hey, I am legitimately required by law to disclaim that no you should not do that at this point so God damn it every time every time you do this I'm gonna disclaim it again okay we're gonna won't be here all goddamn night if we have to so look don't do it because it's like coming for the first time all over again you've been warned.

Starting point is 01:28:05 Yes, but the audience at home hasn't. Lovely I have the edit control on that one. What's her practice's name? So okay. So Ashley, I'm going back to the movie guys. Sometimes you just got to power through. So Ashley ties a rope, or sorry, not Ashley. Jaina, Eli.

Starting point is 01:28:25 I'm gonna turn off your computer. Oh my god. Jesus Christ, dude, stop, stop. He's typing up an in-memoriam page for Ashley Wright. So okay, so Jaina ties a rope to the something like that is with a knot that you should absolutely not climb out of a fucking window relying on. It's at this point I think honestly... This rope is sticky. I think... Is that toothpaste? At this point though... the crest of the labia. That's amazing. I don't want to go now. I learned that from an Italian guy. I don't want to have to follow that one. So, okay, so they climb out the window, they run to the truck, they roll up the windows, we hear the sound of,

Starting point is 01:29:29 Bigfoot realizes he's been duped, right, so he runs downstairs. And we hear the sound of glass breaking, but they'll be damned if they're going to break the windows in David's fucking truck. So, then they try to start the car, it won't start, the closed captioning now abandons the English language altogether. I Am not kidding. It says Nashes de fray Oh Yeah, that's that's poor. It's Portuguese

Starting point is 01:29:58 That's Portuguese. So like a Portuguese or Brazilian guy got into the booth and was like, I don't know I don't know fuck with these people. I want to type let me type something I will do the Bigfoot movie The monster he goes crowd but also like But also it's not even like if it was just Portuguese describing the movie that would be something Right, but it's just it says just voce for so fucking long yeah that's just that's just you

Starting point is 01:30:31 yes in but that's the formal version of you in Portuguese voce I don't know really what's next in the movie, Oce, will you... Our make-to movie. But then, and this is one of those- Let me get that load already and then get out of here. So quite a moment here though, so Bigfoot comes out and he's attacking them in the truck, so she turns on the radio thinking perhaps

Starting point is 01:31:02 this will soothe the beast I guess it works Apparently Bigfoot's kryptonite is easy listening. I Wanted our podcast to come on It hurts my feelings This is the only way I have to connect with my family yes quit making it sad okay if only I had a way to feel all the pleasure in all my autoerotic Expeciation. ZMV law. This week's episode is brought to you by... Sorry.

Starting point is 01:31:50 She left for 30... You're gonna get sued so hard I can't wait. She has to call the Monday and be like, hey guys. Trying to get married in like three weeks. You're really fucking up. You hope you get married in three weeks. It's just... Depending on how the next like 20 minutes of this review goes, you get married in three

Starting point is 01:32:18 weeks. Okay, so now the kid, Bigfoot runs off from the easy listening music. They're like, let's go to the barn. That's even less safe. let's go to the barn. That's even less safe. So they run to the barn. I swear to you, the rest of this movie is them running to ever less safe spaces. They're gonna go to a cardboard box next.

Starting point is 01:32:36 So they run to the barn. Sorry, I have all these notes about how the moon is full now and it wasn't even close two nights ago. Sorry, we can skip those. So then they get into the they get into the barn and they're like let's nail the door closed with these eight boards that we've got over here. So they start nailing up this wood. It's amazing because there is like a half door, right, and then it's open above. They're nailing the wood to the open part above, but the door still opens. It's like, if you remember in the Big Lebowski where he nails, he's got

Starting point is 01:33:12 the chair up against the door, but the door opens outward. It's like that, but they don't know. Look, if this family gets eaten by Bigfoot, I get it. Like, Bigfoot doesn't exist, but he's still, they're still in danger of getting eaten at Bigfoot by Bigfoot with his strategy. And one day they say, this will buy us some time. Yes. And I wanted that to happen.

Starting point is 01:33:40 I wanted, like, Bigfoot to just be like, boop. Well, that's the time we bought. So we run now. So they nail like eight boards up and then she goes let's make sure the back door is locked. I forgot about that. And by the way, when they say locked, what they mean is latched. And the back door is just, it stops here. You can just reach over and unlatch it. They just latched the back door.

Starting point is 01:34:18 Just Bigfoot taking their key out from a hide-a-key rock. It's not the real one. and we should also point out again they they had a rifle and a handgun right we haven't written those out of the story they just dis a fucking pier the closed captioning now says tem tem no idea as Tem, T-E-M. No idea. Tem! When is the movie over? I do not want to close its captions, Andy Martin. Fucking Melania's doing the closed captioning now.

Starting point is 01:35:02 So okay. Anne's back. Do you think she heard any of this stuff? I hope fucking not. It's a good thing that we're not recording this. Ann's talking to Tim right now. Tim, shut up! Tim!

Starting point is 01:35:14 Tim! Tim! He didn't see anything. He didn't see it. He's lying. Tim! Tim! The movie is yelling for you!

Starting point is 01:35:23 So, okay. So, but now they need to trap... Tem can't hear either. That's right. Fuck. So, okay, so now... So now they need to fight Bigfoot, right? The girls realize they need to trap Bigfoot. At this point, the one girl goes,

Starting point is 01:35:40 we're scared, or I'm scared, and the other girl goes, but you remember what dad says about being scared right being scared just means you have something worth fighting for in what way yeah that's true I don't either she, she goes, you remember how awesome dad is? He's so cool. David Owen Wright. Oh my goodness. The hero, patriot, sexual warrior poet is what my dad made me say here. Is what my mom wrote for me to say about my dad. Is what my dad insisted that my mom write for me to say

Starting point is 01:36:31 about my dad. So they're like, we have to kill Bigfoot for dad and how awesome he is. And they're like, well, how do we, how do we do it? And Jane is like, well, I've got a plan. And the soundtrack's like, is it a rock and roll plan? For real. It was just just squirting in the air. Here we go, plan. When the rock music started, I wrote in my notes,

Starting point is 01:36:54 if they defeat Bigfoot with the power of music, I will heel turn on this podcast right now and join the Wright family. The next Bigfoot trash you see on Prime will have my face right on the cover, like three wolves in a moon shirt. Just... Just Eiffel Towering Ashley with David.

Starting point is 01:37:19 Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. I chose Ashley, not one of the girls. Because I've changed and I've grown. So... It's okay. So they've got this plan. It's...

Starting point is 01:37:35 It's time to enact the plan. And I have to tell you where this became a horror movie for Heathenright. For our good friend Heathenright, okay? So there's... Oh, I did fly into a rage here. I know. I wrote in my notes before you watched this movie, oh, Heath is furious right now. They open a drawer, part of their plan requires blinding Bigfoot with a bunch of lights, so they open this drawer and it's filled with extension cords, none of which have been properly

Starting point is 01:38:00 rolled. They're a fucking mess! It looked like Christmas! Not a single one is coiled! They're a fucking mess. It looked like Christmas night. Not a single one is coiled. And then they start plugging them in and they don't do the thing where you tie it off and plug it in. They don't know how to plug in extension cords. David Owen Wright is a bad father.

Starting point is 01:38:18 Yes. Alright. Thank you. I'm just going to go ahead and fucking say it. Did you? When we saw the thermostat it said service filter. He didn't even have a new filter in that shit. If you tie the extension cord, it doesn't come unplugged when you pass out. That's why he... Oh, jeez. Safety.

Starting point is 01:38:43 Safety? Safety. You? Safety. You want it to unplug when you pass out, people. It's very important. That's what Anne taught us. Ha ha ha ha ha. The MV law. You want it to unplug when you pass out. Okay. I love it when they're just off in their own little world and I can just tell you guys what

Starting point is 01:39:15 happens in the movie. So okay, so now part of this plan, so Jane is going to stay back and get all the lights ready. Scout is going to drive, I, shit you not, I am not making this up. Scout is going to drive a tractor to the tractor. She's going to drive a little tractor to the big tractor and bring the big tractor back to kill Bigfoot with it.

Starting point is 01:39:41 So this is where she opens the door. She's like, she's like, all right, go get the tractor. They open the door under all the fucking boards and you're like, oh my God, you're fucking kidding me. I have to go into all caps for this. So she goes outside, Bigfoot starts to chase her. She's running away from Bigfoot in Crocs. I'm not going to say, I don't normally say 15 year olds deserve to die, but sometimes.

Starting point is 01:40:07 I don't believe you. So my niece is in the audience for this purposes, I've never said that about a 15 year old before. Has your uncle Noah ever told you you deserve to die? I'm getting a head shave. Well, no, but has your Uncle Noah ever given you any masturbatory advice that was the same as telling you you just... okay. Sorry. Sorry, this is not going well for me. In my head that went really well for me. Holy shit. We should go see my uncle Noah's comedy show. Where's Morgan when you need him? Tam! So okay, so but Bigfoot goes to chase after

Starting point is 01:40:58 Scout. She goes out with the tractor. Bigfoot goes to chase her. Jada throws a rock. It says Bigfoot no. No over here and big people go Oh, it's fucking over there then So he goes into the barn they blind them with the lights right they switch all the lights on Bigfoot throws his arms up in the air and then Scout smashes through with their tractor and smashes into Bigfoot and That does it that kills him well and but but you gotta smush him up and down

Starting point is 01:41:27 with the bucket loader. Well, you have to move the bucket loader thing up and down a little bit, yeah. And I wrote in my notes, it's over, we're safe, and certainly Bigfoot won't rise again. I was overestimating this movie when I wrote that, okay? It's not that Big big foot gets up. It's that an even bigger foot

Starting point is 01:41:49 is out in the woods. That was the baby big foot. So they killed a baby with a bucket loader squishing a baby up and down. Okay, but here's why. I can see the look in Thomas Smith's face right now. Squishing the baby up and down. Okay, but here's why. I can see the look in Thomas Smith's face right now. He's got this, but fucking why would there be another bigger Bigfoot?

Starting point is 01:42:11 Because David A.R. White, or David A.R. White. Sometimes, you know what, sometimes I get my Christian actors name David, whose name started with W and rhyme with might mixed up. I apologize. Should be dude. No, because David Owen Wright, his wife was telling him the story and she's like, and then they can get the tractor that you taught them how to use earlier and they kill Bigfoot with it. And he goes, well is there a bigger Bigfoot for me to fight? So bigger Bigfoot shows up... One with tits? So let me explain.

Starting point is 01:42:51 Because we've had a lot of fun here talking about the most exquisite of pleasures and flavored toothpaste. But when I tell you that they have a feminine version of a Bigfoot suit with tits, I am exaggerating in no way, shape, or form. No, that's the Bigfoot suit that Ashley wears when they fuck, because David'll fuck Bigfoot,

Starting point is 01:43:20 but he's not gay. I need you to take a second and grapple with how toxic your masculinity needs to be. That you're about to come on your wife's fursuit of Bigfoot, and you're like, "'Hun, can we put some tits on this one?' It all just feels a little gay." So, okay, so we see the giant Bigfoot with tits. What has my life become? So we see the giant Bigfoot with tits. You don't say it a third time, you'll summon it.

Starting point is 01:44:16 So we see the giant Bigfoot with tits. Oh audience at home you're missing Eli pantomiming a giant Bigfoot with tits. I've never been sadder to report anything to you. Oh, this Bigfoot can do the tassel trick. Okay, so the girls, so Bigfoot, Big Giant Bigfoot with tits comes down, girls run into the barn, they get some fuckin' farm equipment to earn their way into Valhalla with. But then David Owen Wright shows up with a shotgun.

Starting point is 01:45:02 He goes, and I quote, they wrote the whole fuckin fucking movie around this line he goes you think mama bears are bad wait till you meet papa right there you I don't want I thought he was gonna give a third Bigfoot I thought they they were gonna, you know that action movie weird trope where women always have to fight, like the bad girl always pairs off with the female Lee. I thought the male Bigfoot with like a giant cock was gonna come out of his side of the woods and they were gonna be like you get yours I'll get mine. Mortal Kombat!

Starting point is 01:45:48 Oh you're missing him pantomiming Mortal Kombat with a Sasquatch penis. Get over here! Come over here I believe it is. All right, so finish him, thank you, thank you. Well done. So okay, speaking of finishing him. I made that joke. Well done, Eli.

Starting point is 01:46:21 So speaking of finishing him, David empties his shotgun, I mean a gun, onto the Bigfoot costume. And then, there's this weird moment where he has like a series of ever less functional farm implements to fight Bigfoot with. Yeah, he clearly wanted his crouching tiger moment where all the shit's on the wall, but all they have's on the wall. Yes.

Starting point is 01:46:46 But all they have is stupid farm shit. Right. So it was just like, oh right, axe, that's a thing. Pitchfork. Pitchfork, okay, perfect. Can we- Post hole digger? No.

Starting point is 01:46:58 No, that's stupid. What if we tied two trowels together? That's- I am good with Ninjago. So and then so he attacks Bigfoot with a shovel I shit you not with a shovel and then a pitchfork and then an axe and he goes on with the axe for way too long. Because Ashley's in the costume. You ruined my life! I could have been gay! So he acts as Bigfoot for like 45 minutes.

Starting point is 01:47:43 He's got blood all over his face. It's actually a very tasteful amount of blood, which I like. It is. It was very obvious that they started to blood. It was like, that's too much. It's like makeup. Stop. I actually I wrote at this point, I'm like, I think this is the big foot blood on the farm, guys. There's bleeding all over the fucking face.

Starting point is 01:48:05 But he growls a little bit more as he bleeds out on the ground and then the girls run to embrace their dad. I think this is the only time that he's allowed to hug. I know I keep making this up. And you didn't even use that knife in your pocket, dad. Oh, God. Yup. So, okay. So we get one final shot. It's the following morning.

Starting point is 01:48:30 David's learned something here today. He's got some Bigfoot-based wisdom to offer his daughters. This is where it's Christian. Oh, is it? This is where it says, when the spirits of darkness something, something, I wasn't listening and that's pretty much Christianity no you're right it is it is and and you can tell it's religious because he's wearing a silly hat there you go obviously but yeah his his words of wisdom for his daughters are never give up. Which I mean like come on like you

Starting point is 01:49:08 know I've got a talk attacked by Bigfoot and murdered him with an axe and then my kids turn to me and say well what's the moral of this story dad? So I'll give him that. But that's it that is the movie that is the latest in the Wright family filmography but that is not gonna do it for the episode just yet. Cause people get really mad when we leave the, what's on deck thing off during live shows. So Eli, what's on deck? I don't want to say.

Starting point is 01:49:33 Is it because they're going to get disappointed? Yeah. Wraith! I don't know what that is. It's a movie. Oh, okay. Well, here's hoping it's a God awful one. All right, well before we wrap things up,

Starting point is 01:49:48 I need to thank Christopher and Jesse for helping out with our sound tonight. Thanks guys. You're awesome. Done a great job for us. I think, also I want to think she's not here, but I want to thank Kelsey who helped organize everything for us.

Starting point is 01:50:02 She was amazing. She also helped with Platinum Night last night. I need to thank the inimitable Tim Robertson right back here He makes out all of this possible without Tim we really wouldn't be able to do these live shows He does so much work to make these things happen. I also need to thank Ann and Lucinda for helping out on the merch table today And ZVM Lowe for sponsoring the episode apparently. I also need to thank Ann for all the like, uh, autoerotic asphyxiation litigation that she's probably going to have to do now.

Starting point is 01:50:37 I want to thank everybody who came out for Iridium Night or Platinum Night. Thank you so much. Had such a good time at those. Most of all though, our biggest thanks tonight, I want to thank every one of you who came out and made this the biggest God of the Movies live show we have ever done. Thank you so much Portland. Thank you so much Portland! And on that note, we'll leave you with the American graffiti clothes. Historically more accurate.

Starting point is 01:51:16 Yes, apparently. Ashley and David got into a hentai phase. And God awful movies got into a hentai phase. And God-awful movies got into a hentai phase. We got into an Ashley and David hentai phase phase. Oh, don't tease me. I was already in a hentai phase. Bigfoot went home to snack on a few chicken toes and rethink his strategy. The Wright family went on to record a best-selling 290 track Bigfoot multi CD set. Songs of the Squatch. Thank you Portland! So our dirty little secret in the interstitials is we don't actually go anywhere. Normally, the people who have been here before they're like, yeah you

Starting point is 01:52:28 use that joke at every single show don't you? I sure do. Now normally Anna Bosnik would be here, unfortunately she could not be here to sing for you during the interstitials. I know she's really disappointed, she's at least as disappointed as you are, especially because we came across a random pug rescue today However Our very own Heath Enright would like to treat you to a song I panicked so fucking hard You did not know it did not tell me that was about wow

Starting point is 01:53:04 Did you see did anybody see me me that was about, wow. I was, did you see, did anybody see me where I was like, huh? He's joking. We'll wait. Ladies and gentlemen, Thomas Smith is gonna come up. Yay! Yes, the one and only Thomas Smith is here. We just, yes, yes, give it up for Thomas Smith.

Starting point is 01:53:31 The, our favorite listener April Poff is right here as well. There's her a bit. We draw all the best people when we come to Portland, Oregon. Also want to recognize two of my favorite people in the whole world, Gail Jordan and Darryl Ray of the Recovering from Religion, they're here as well with us today. Very excited, thank you guys so much for coming. So that you know we will be raising money for Recovering from Religion for our Vulgarity for Charity this year, so get those donations ready. That's coming in November.

Starting point is 01:54:06 It's going to be the second worst way Daryl's ever earned money. All right. Is there anything else we wanted to do before we had, before we jump back in? I think we can let those people come sit down. Okay. All right. Those really... All right. Fine. Let them in. Wait. Wait. One second. There you go. You gotta get your money's worth. You at the front got more pool than I wanted out of that situation. You can call the can hotline.

Starting point is 01:54:46 They just, they press one for our live shows at this point. Honestly, me spreading my whole 30 seconds after we explained that we'll be raising money for RFR is a really good punishment for them. Yeah, yeah. For trusting us. So can I tell you guys an awesome story about my very good friend April Poff? So one of the cool things about April Poff, if you're friends with her, you know,

Starting point is 01:55:18 I'm sorry, I'm going to embarrass you so much here, that if you do any type of artwork, if you create anything or whatever, April is a furious fan of her friends. She consumes all of her friends' art and she makes with a lot of compliments and she always lets you know how much she appreciates what you do. She does that with me all the time.

Starting point is 01:55:36 She'll message me all the time, say, great diatribe or whatever. And what I realized is that in knowing April, I myself have become more likely to tell my friends that I appreciate the things that they do, and I've been more free with compliments and stuff. And I realized that about myself the other day. So I messaged April and I said,

Starting point is 01:55:53 April, one of the cool things about being friends with you is that I've realized that I'm following your lead and that I'm being, I'm complimenting my friends more. And part of that is messaging you and letting you know about that. And she messaged me back and she says, oh my God, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about me.

Starting point is 01:56:10 And I thought to myself, well damn it, now you've complimented my compliments so goddamn good, that you've jujitsu'd my kindness back on me. She's a story topping bitch is what we're saying it's really what we wanted to get to that's where I was going thank you for summarizing it he was taking a winding road around it but if someone could push her down some

Starting point is 01:56:37 stairs if you get a chance it's just it never stops I think I'd be a great fat crow. Like if I walked around Comic Con as fat crow, I think it'd be fucking funnest shit. The problem is, I'd have to also have a sign. I'd need someone to dress up as, he knows he's the fat crow. It's okay to think it's funny. Because sometimes you see a fat wolverine and you're like,

Starting point is 01:57:03 he's just wolverine. He's just a dude Wolverine and you're like, oh no. And he's just Wolverine. He's just a dude. And he's like, what do you mean? Yeah. There was a guy who was driving on a Rascal, which I assume he needed. He was a large body gentleman and he had a sign on it that said, Fulverein. And I was like, hey buddy, that's awesome. Fucking, you've embraced this world.

Starting point is 01:57:23 Pretty fucking solid. This content is canned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4255 or on their website at creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2025, all rights reserved.

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God Awful Movies - 508: Bigfoot Blood on the Farm

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