God Awful Movies - 509: Wraith

Episode Date: June 3, 2025

This week, we inaugurate a new guest masochist. Sammy Smart from the Too Scary; Didn't Watch podcast joins us for one of the least scary horror movies to ever exist. Wraith is the story of people hearing creepy sounds in the night and getting up to see what they were. That and a hilariously stupid ending that you can see coming from a runtime away is all this film has to offer. --- Hear more from Sammy on Too Scary; Didn’t Watch, or follow the show on Instagram --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/ Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

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and he goes, you okay? Yeah. Yeah. You want a soda? She says, no, you keep asking me that. Right, which implies that he keeps asking. This is not the first time and that she keeps saying no and that and then he's just like re-asking. Now are you okay? How about now? How about now? God awful movies. Movies. Movies.

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Movies. Movies. Welcome to the Gamecast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema because the Doge didn't get around to our department. I'm your host, No Illusions, and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right Heath. Welcome back.

Going spook-tacular early. We are. We are. Yeah, a little pre-October spook-tacular. And sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnik. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Wandering through the darkness of Christian cinema, no illusions. Wandering through the dark. Lou trying to figure out where that fucking noise came from, as we always are.

And we're also excited to welcome in a brand new guest masochist. Sammy is the cohost of the Too Scary Didn't Watch podcast, and we're showing her other perfectly good reasons not to watch a movie today. Sammy, welcome to God awful movies. Oh, thank you guys for having me. I cannot believe you've watched 500 of these. Neither can I. But, you know, the time that I really can't believe that is when I'm watching

the 500 next, you know, yeah, yeah, that's really when it hits home. It's actually five hundred and nine. Yeah. Woof. Bonus episodes plus the bonuses. Well, yeah, and we gotta just say at this point, because we've all had episodes off, I think we're all approaching 500 each now too. For sure, for sure. Oof.

Congratulations. Congratulations? Yeah, exactly. Question mark? So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Wraith. It's the story of a haunted house and what that means for bodily autonomy. Yeah, as it turns out.

The movie does not connect those things. They both happen and it's technically one movie, but those are the two things separately that are in it. Yep. Your problematic aunt's Facebook the horror movie. Yes. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the following spooky noises monotony of most haunted house movies, but you wish the monster at the end was Women's rights. You will love this movie. Nothing the end was women's rights.

You will love this movie. Nothing scarier, women's rights. Nothing scarier to a Christian movie audience than Joyce. So that leads me to my question for you, Sammy. Sammy, how scary was this movie? It's impressively not scary. I couldn't believe how not scary it was. Right? So not scary. I was actually, I couldn't believe how not scary it was. Right? So not scary.

There's a lot of scenes where it seems like something scary is supposed to be happening. There's the music to lead you to believe a scary thing is going to happen, but then it doesn't. And then nothing happens and they go back to fucking bed. If you want to get really good and drunk in this movie, just have a drink every time somebody gets out of their bed to check out a scary noise and then just goes back to fucking. Or just drink while you're watching it normal like I did. Every time you want to drink while watching.

But yeah, it's like they're edgy and scary, but they don't really know how that works. Yeah. It reminded me. Do you guys read about real ghost hunters? Just read about this. No. Yeah, yeah, it reminded me. Do you guys read about real ghost hunters to read about this? No, so this was like back in like 2018 they tried to make a ghost hunter shows with shut eyes people who actually believed in ghosts and weren't con men and Nothing happened. So the pilot which never aired was just them being like nope. There weren't any noises

Said it was haunted but it's not. Another really chill episode. All right. Right. Because they just hired a camera crew of guys who had night vision goggles and they were like, nope, everything's just fun. That's what this is movie-wise. I feel like they were waiting for the scary movie to show up to them. Those floorboards again, they just do creak sometimes. Back to bed. Yep. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this for being the best at being the worst at?

Yeah, I'm going to go with best, best angry teenager. Oh, wow. The vibes we get from this. So there's like, you know, demonic ghost stuff happening. There's even like some exorcism stuff at one point and this angry teenager reacts to none of it other than just like, gah! Run FaceTime with my friends! Get out! Yeah, I think some of that was due to her limited acting prowess, but we'll get to that.

Perhaps. Perhaps. So I was going to go with best worst blindness. Incredible. Incredible choice. I love this. Amazing. Just, there was an actor, the one actor that you recognize in this entire fucking movie. He's supposed to be playing a blind character and you might as well at some point hear him go, oh fuck right, blind, blind, blind, blind, blind, blind.

I'm going to go with best worst color correction. I really hated the color in this movie. I feel like it's pretty all over the place. Sometimes it's very bright. Sometimes it's dark and blue. I think there are also times where they shot like bright days and we're just like, it's too bright. Let's make it bluer and darker.

Why don't they have Instagram filters for the camera? It's crazy I think the movie has best worst blindness, too. Yeah And I'm gonna go with best worst ending title card explanation for the entire fucking movie no it's counts this counts Truly it could not be more slapdash or final to be like now you might have been thinking for this entire film. This doesn't make any fucking sense. Well what if I lied about the definition of ghosts right here at the end in title card so you have to think it's a good movie. Instead of Finn at the end It's just like anti choice in case it wasn't good movie. The movie was good. Okay now fan

Oh the final eight seconds we're gonna get to it I don't want to spoil it now, but the final eight seconds of this movie are possibly my favorite What do you mean? They didn't get it in the test screening moment? Oh, I love it so much Alright, well, there's a lot of nothing on the other side of this break. So we're going to clear out some room for it, but we're going to be back in a minute with all the heavy-handed moralizing of...

Braith. Okay, beach or carnival? Seriously? We got to choose, man. Hey guys, what's up? Oh, hey, Noah. Heath and I were just picking which activities we want to do this summer. Yeah, and someone just chose baseball over softball.

I don't understand, why do you have to pick? Time Noah, if we want to have fun in the sun and eat right, we're going to have to spend hours in the kitchen cutting and chopping. Slicing, dicing. Whatever simmering is. Exactly, no idea. Well guys, why don't you just try Factor? What's Factor?

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and desserts. Factor has your whole day covered. I don't know Noah, have you actually tried it? I sure have. Factor sent us a box to try when they became a sponsor and I've been a customer ever since. I love that I can stick to my heart-healthy diet without breaking my budget or my back. That's why I, no illusions, personally endorse Factor. All right, I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Get started at factormeals.com slash awful50off and use the code awful50off to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. That's code awful50off at factormeals.com slash awful50off for 50% off plus free shipping. factormeals.com slash awful50off.

All right, Noah. Thanks. You hear that Heath? We don't have to choose after all. Itormeals.com slash awful 50 off. All right, Noah, thanks. You hear that Heath? We don't have to choose after all. It's too bad. I think combining Frisbee and golf was a really good idea. Oh, totally. I think that already exists. Yeah, because we invented it.

We invented it. All right guys, welcome to the first ever writer's room meeting for Wraith. Woo! Wraith. Woo! Wraith! Now, look, we've all seen haunted house movies before, guys, but I want this one to have a message. You know, something that really sticks with the audience.

Sure, I mean, ghost stories are filled with meaning. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the meaning of life, the things we hold onto, the nature of death itself. Exactly, yeah, Yeah, right. Right. So I was thinking that ours could be a boarding babies summons the demon Moloch. Uh, sorry, what? The medical procedure, it pleases and summons the baby killing demon God Moloch. Oh, um, okay. That seems a little hard to work into a haunted house movie.

Yeah, no, no, we'll just have them, you know, walk around the house a bunch and then we'll explain it at the end. Oh, okay. Okay. It just feels like it might be, um, insane and out of nowhere. I know. Yep. Well, right. No, but that's because I left out the most important part

I was about to say yeah, so the servants who lived in the house before Mm-hmm were Jewish. Oh Got it. Yeah, man. Thanks. All right. Well, it's settled. I'm gonna go ahead and grab lunch Sure, man. Yeah, we'll chat when you're back. Do you understand? Wait till he leaves the room? I'm sorry? No, I was just warning Steve about Malik.

Oh, that's smart. Yeah. Thanks. Hey folks, Noah here to tell you that we've now officially joined the Creator Accountability Network. CAN is a nonprofit dedicated to reducing harassment and abuse through ethical education and a system of restorative accountability. We join because we care about the safety and well-being of our community members. If you feel our behavior or content has harmed someone, please report it to CAN, either via the reporting system on their website, CreatorAccountabilityNetwork.org, or via their hotline, 617-249-4255. They'll help us make it right and avoid repeating the same mistake in the future.

CAN also needs volunteers from our community to help with their process. So if you have skills that you think would be helpful or time and a desire to help, please visit their website to find out how you can volunteer. Most importantly, get the word out to other creators who you think would be interested in getting credentialed. Help us build safer communities together. And now back to the show. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up on some basic creepy house

shots except and this is going to hamstring them throughout the film. They didn't get an actual creepy house. It's just it's this lovely Victorian home, but they shot it at dusk and they put some tones over top of it. Yeah, make it blue. You just gotta make it blue. Yes, make it blue and it's scary. Evening. It's a very nice house and it's obvious that they have a finished attic.

So all the scenes in the attic, they'll just like put tattered curtains on this multi-million dollar home and be like, there it is. Spooky. Also, we get a production logo for Gravitas Ventures here. And Sammy, I know you're new to this, but Gravitas Ventures is the face tattoo of films. You're like, oh, this is going to be good. Yep. You don't need to be familiar. It's called Gravitas Ventures.

Yeah. Yes. So you know that what it thinks about its movies. It's like, this is going to be good. You're going to want to watch this one. We're kind of a big deal as a venture within the cinematic oeuvre. Yeah, do you know who I am? The production company.

Yeah, so we're seeing the creepy in air quotes house and we have this little girl doing narration. Now, apparently they know that you can have a little kid talk and that can be creepy sometimes, but they don't realize that it's dependent on what they're saying. So there's just this little kid expositing about wind and how weird that shit is.

Wrongly. Wrongly expositing about wind. You can't solve the mystery of where the wind comes from. You can though. You can. Literally the only thing you can tell about the wind is where it's coming from. I wanted them to just like show the narrator for a second. She throws a little grass in the air, just hovers there, doesn't move, in the shape of

a question mark. I don't know what that means. Isn't there an insane clown posse song that kind of asks question like answerable questions and What the fuck is wind? See how it reminds me of you. This is the magnets how do they work with creepy narration. Air moving?

Okay. So I honestly a fucking juggalo ghost is a scary ghost. So yeah. Yeah. Especially if you're a child. Yeah. So, and then we get this fucking the inspired by a true story nonsense. What do you guys think that means to them? I really have no idea. Yeah. Do they have like a family that they used for this as like source material?

Do you think that's what they're claiming? I don't know. Right. But I'm honestly I would I really wish I had had time to do a little bit more research into this. But yeah, they say this is inspired by a true story. I am skeptical. The story of me winning prom king and a big dance battle is also inspired by a true story. That's true. Yeah. There you go. Your school had a problem. Yeah, right.

I was trying to do a mufloss and then I'm pointing at people and I'm like, boom, boom, boom, and orgasms are happening all over the place. It was just like that. Well, not exactly, but inspired. Inspired. Inspired by a true story, yeah. Is there any legal ramifications to putting this on a movie? I should know this already.

I remember asking my dad that question one time about a movie we were watching and he's like like no, right? This movie's being narrated by a talking chicken man It doesn't mean anything no nothing at all Yeah, and I feel like they hedged their bets on inspired rather than based on a true story Like I feel like they were sitting around they were like guys I think we should go with inspired rather than God, you know story. Like I feel like they were sitting around and they were like, guys, I think we should go with inspired rather than based. You know because-

God, you'll know we're lying. Exactly. Clinically tested as a sort of true story. So, okay. So, oh my God, we haven't even gotten past the inspired by a true story thing. Okay, so a couple Pauls up to this house, all drunk and fucky, right?

Yeah. And it's great because like Christians have no understanding of like timing, right? Because if we watch them sort of drunkenly get out of the car and wander into the house, that would establish everything we needed to establish. But because this movie is desperate to hit that $11 on Tubi, we have to watch them like make their way up the stairs and make grilled cheese sandwiches and vomit into a waste paper basket. Also, can we take a second to appreciate just what an awful fucking life the writer of this movie must have that they felt the need to like, well, you know, eventually these, this

this lady's going to be pregnant. We're going to need to explain why this married couple would be fucking right. Like there would have to be. Don't worry. They were drunk so like I feel like the fact that they're a married couple like we would assume you know when she was pregnant later yeah we would have got it but they even show us like the angsty daughter upstairs hearing this happen and they have to go so hard with fully explaining the two parents are like we're gonna have drunk and sexual intercourse,

we're adults that birthed you. And we have to watch the daughter be like, okay. Yeah. I hate that you're always announcing it. So, yeah, well, and what's amazing about this is not just that the daughter has to hear them say, I am in the mood to have sexual intercourse with my spouse, but also that the movie, like they can't,

the movie can't be too fucky, right? So it's a very Christian movie. So they're very like, would you now like to put my P in your V? You know? No, it's just like, ha ha, oh you and me. Yeah, and me. Right?

So, okay. So then we get some generic fucking haunted house at night scenes For those of you following along at home This is when I began watching the movie at 1.5 speed by the end of the film. I was watching it at 2.75. Oh my god. How do you do that? I don't know how to do that. Yes Great. They just run around through the house the whole time

Okay, but with this movie it was just like normal at that point. Right. Yes. Okay. Literally, my first note after I switched to 1.5 speed was, oh my God, this is so boring at 1.5 speed. I can't imagine how bad it is at normal speed. Yeah.

So, okay. So, now we're going to go ahead and spoil this if we haven't already because you just have to know throughout. And it's so fucking obvious that you're going to know throughout anyway. So the house is going to be haunted by the zygote that she's got from this drunk fuck that she's thinking about aboard it. Right. Right. That's the story. And we introduced that because she's laying there like seconds after he came and she hears a voice go mama which okay we could make we can be generous to the filmmakers and say oh this this ghost thing only happens because god somehow knows that she's going to consider aborting it so the ghost

is necessary to keep her from aborting it right whatever we want to say there but it also implies a worldview where every time you get pregnant that night your zygote whispers mama and most women are just overly heavy sleepers which is just snap up I'm gonna keep it and the ghost goes away and you're good well and then again with the whole like trying to hit the eleven on on on to be here. Right. Because now she wakes up and she she like turns to her husband says, hey, did you hear something creepily whisper? Mama just now. Right. She says it was like Lucy, but not Lucy.

And I'm like, do you mean a child? Do you mean a person, a voice, a human voice? A woman, a girl? But no, she's like, no, I think, he's like, it's probably just the wind. And she's like saying, mama, he's like, eh, it says shit sometimes. I don't know, I need to sleep.

But she's pretty sure it's a horror movie. So she goes to check the house for ghosts, a drink. You shouldn't drink every time that happens. No, really. You'll get very sick. Yeah, actually, we probably legally have to put a disclaimer in there saying that. Thank you, Heath.

So she checks on the daughter. Daughter is asleep in corpse pose. I don't even think fucking Heath could fall asleep in that pose. That's not corpse pose. Corpse pose is like flat. This is the most uncomfortable looking sleeping position I've ever, she's going to be so in such pain when she wakes up.

What's that Renaissance thing where the person's half hanging out of the tub? That's how she sleeps in the room. Yeah, this neck is at a 90 degree angle. Yeah, 100%. Well, that's one of those things. So I'm 49, so I see that and I'm like, ah, to be young again. Or to be Heath, because Heath can sleep like that too, for some fucking crazy reason.

Yes, Heath sleeps like he fell out of an airplane, but I don't know why. I sleep like it's time for sleeping, I don't know. I also sleep pretty crazy, but I feel it every morning. Yeah, right. I'm just like, oh man, I slept real crazy last night. Also, so we have to introduce this other element of filmmaking into this.

Okay, so you know how like in horror movies very often like a talented filmmaker will take a room that's, that's fairly normal, but they'll highlight the creepy things about it. You know, like in the intro to Dexter where it's like he's just making breakfast and it's all creepy and shit. This movie tries this, but either the filmmaker has really weird idiosyncratic phobias or they're just filming random shit. Yeah.

So you know how blood spatter, that's kind of like a creepy thing, right? Or like a fluffy husband pillow is a creepy thing. A porcelain piggy bank. That's pretty creepy, right? That big trapped in porcelain. I'm so glad Heath brought up the husband pillow. This is one of those like sit up pillows. If you aren't familiar with these podcasts, listener, they look like a sort of blob with an arm on either side. And we watched the mom drop the husband pillow in slow motion.

Yeah. Like it like, like ripples in slow mo. So dramatic. And why? ripples in slow-mo. Yes. So dramatic and why? Like me landing in a pool. I was certain that the movie was saying, this husband pillow is haunted now. It's haunted. Yes, that's it. What else could you conclude?

In a husband pillow now, and I was like, okay, movie. Let's see where you go with this. They go nowhere. I mean, we saw a bed that eats people. We could see a pillow that eats people, sure. Exactly. Sure. Exactly. Sure.

And then they do, and then you're just like, wait, was that just an accident? And they do the same fucking thing with the headphones, right? She drops her headphones and we watched those fall ominously to the floor. Wired, wired, wired. Right. And then she wakes up, looks around to see if there's a horror movie and goes back to fucking bed. Drink!

Drink. Drink. Okay, but seriously, at this moment I was like, okay, we've got a wraith inside a husband pillow and a set of wired headphones. This is an interesting movie. Right, because yeah, because like the headphones could have been the weapon for the pillow, right?

It could have slung them around like nunchucks or something. There you go. Oh, that's fun. Now we're writing a movie. Okay. So then we get our title, which Eli managed to misspell in the notes, even though he was looking at it spelled correctly on the screen as he wrote it. I refuse to trust external sources. I trust my heart when I spell. Do you think it's a rave? Like, is that the noise in your head?

You put on the door, it's the ghost you put on your door at Christmas. A wreath? Yeah. Do you think it's a wreath? That was the joke I made. Okay, but it's a wreath. All right. Yeah.

Okay. So then, okay. And then just this movie is so hamfisted. We hear a little girl's voice saying, I don't want to die. It's not time for me to die over the title. I'm so excited. So Sammy, to clarify for you, like whenever we bring someone on for a horror movie, because a lot of horror movies kind of sort of dwell on the supernatural, I'm a little nervous that we're not going to get like a Christian one. Right? And so I'm going to have to be like, Oh, thanks for watching the

movie. I know it wasn't super great. And when this happened, I was like, yeah, hell yeah. Here we go. Christian cinema. I was going to ask, I would imagine there's not a lot of horror films in the Christian pantheon. Is this kind of, have you guys done other ones that are similar? Oh yeah. We do a monthly horror, like our yearly horror movie month, right? Every October we do our Spooktacular. Because they love, like the purpose of a ton of Christian movies is to scare Christian children. Right, right, right, right. Right? Like the actual birth of the Christian movie genre as a separate genre was primarily because the movies were so

creepy and irresponsible to throw to children that, know major production companies didn't want to touch them but yeah so so we get our horror movie title we get our horror movie ghost and then we get the daughter she's coming home and she sees that the parents have put a for sale sign out in front of the house which is the most bad shit evil fucking way to tell your kid that they're moving. Hey kiddo. That's pretty rude. Pretty rude.

How was school? Did you notice anything new in the front yard? The new owners, did you meet them? We have to leave now. And they're not home. She goes into the house and she starts running around, mom, dad, what the fuck is this all about? They're not even home.

We later see a scene with them at dinner, all on the same side, last fucking supper style, where they explain this to her. Now, we should also point this out early. The daughter is almost the worst, like if we had never watched Donald James Parker movies, I would say she's the worst imaginable actor. Yeah. It's crazy.

It's crazy. It is beyond explanation. I actually brought a quick montage. Eli, can you throw that in? Yes, I can. This is where we live. You can't sell for that reason alone. Don't tell me a house like this

doesn't have at least one ghost. Hello? Are you there? Are you trapped or something? No way. You're not going to tell me. What? Woman don't drink when they're... Gross! You did it with Dad!

Yeah, that's the quality of acting. It is her reading the lines for the first time levels of bad, right? Every time. Can you guys believe that this is her only role? Nothing else on the resume, huh? Weird. Pretty shocking. So she's complaining and dad explains that, hey, you know, I'm doing bad in business.

Your mom is a writer, which is basically the same as unemployed. And we live in a $16 million home. That does seem like it would be an issue. Yeah. Dad's explaining like, I lost my consulting job, whatever. And he says, and I have a consulting job or whatever. And then Lucy, the daughter's like, mom has a job though.

And mom corrects her. And she's like, well, I'm a writer. I have a podcast. Take it easy. I wrote in my notes as a podcaster, I take offense to this kind of talk. And dad's like, you know, this is actually an awful lot of house for three people.

And I'm like, do you think? And he's like, the maintenance costs are really high. And I'm like, yeah, no, I can imagine on a house that was built in the eight, obviously in the 1850s, 1860s, or whatever, probably that would be really high. And I'm like, yeah, no, I can imagine on a house that was built in the obviously in the 1850s, 1860s or whatever, probably that would be very high. The daughter goes, what maintenance costs? They go, well, mowing the lawn, for example. Nope, that's not that.

That's not the one. No, because that will, if you had a new house, it would, it's not historical grass. You don't have to cut it with one of the old timey gasless mowers or whatever. And Joe Biden's America, we can't afford this mower gas. So she storms off. She she's forgotten that she's supposed to say I hate you guys before she storms off. So she storms off saying I hate you guys over her shoulder, but she's out of fucking distance of the mic.

And she's kind of out of breath and half off. Doppler to us. Yeah. Okay. Question about this scene real quick though. This is a relatively recent movie, right? It's like 2017 or something like that. Are people still doing pints of milk at dinner?

Is that a thing? This family loves milk. I don't know if you noticed, but they drink it quite frequently. Yes. I think it's character choice. I feel like this girl isn't allowed milk most of her life. And she was like, I'll do the movie if one, I don't have to do any acting, and two two I can be drinking milk every time I'm sitting Lucy's rider just has milk in huge. Yeah, that's her green M&Ms Yeah, wait you guys I know what it is. I know what it is. It's a metaphor for pregnancy and motherhood Great writing

Really good point Sammy. Yeah. Yeah, I've ever read point, Sammy. Yeah, yeah. Have you ever read Grapes of Wrath? Yeah, it's like that. So, okay, so then we, this tone shift is so fucking stupid. This is just how bad this filmmaker is, right? Because we see the daughter storming off, I'm very angry and I'm mad at you. The very next scene she's taking selfies on the swing with big goofy grin on her face, right? Now, I know that like later that day a teenager will have gotten over it, but

like in terms of like filmmaking, this is ridiculous. Yeah, it's like an Edgar Wright bit. But by accident, right? Edgar Wright like juxtaposes shots so you can be like, oh, it's funny. They did that by unnatural lack of talent alone. They accidentally do so much class A humor here. Yeah. Hot fuzz. Yeah. So OK, so she's taking selfies on the swing.

Mom's inside taking a pregnancy test, right? Because she's she had sex yesterday, so she's late now. Why? And then so as she's realizing so she's late now. Why? And then so as she's realizing that she's pregnant, we get the most obvious and predictable, is that a ghost in my selfie moment? So stupid. Oh, but they're bad at shooting with a camera. So we watch them try and like do an over the shoulder shot with her to the phone.

Your left. Right. And so he's trying to zoom in, Angle it to the left, your left. Right, and so he's trying to zoom in, but you can't really, it's so funny. There's a reflection on it, you can't see what the fuck it is. Yes, you can't see through. I had to go back, I was like, I know there's a stupid ghost in there or something, but I didn't see it the first time.

So there's a little girl in a white dress in the background that's supposed to be the ghost, right? I'm thinking to myself at this moment, like, Wraiths are fucking weird. Like this one had to just wait there for a selfie to happen, maybe near a swing set and then just like sprinting into the background of whatever angle of selfie got taken. Or was she supposed to appear to the mom in the mirror and she's like,

Oh fuck, she's taking selfies. God damn, she's trying to hide. She's been following the girl around all day being like, This seems like a nice spot for the gram. What? The girl's just standing by some chalked up angel wings going, You're fucking kidding me. Are you just... Come on!

I gotta set up ziplines or something. This is crazy. She's spread very thin. She is like pretty constantly trying to make herself known. She's just like, Here I am, here I am. Here is great. She's spread. She's spread very thin. She is like pretty constantly trying to make herself known. She's just like, here I am, here I am, here I am. OK, so then we celebrate Lucy's birthday, right? We're getting the same last supper shot as before, which is weird because the framing is terrible and everybody's way too low in the frame. And we've got it like we watch her blow out her candles. This actor has to intentionally miss one candle, which she doesn't

exactly nail. There's a line in here that is kind of reminding me of the milk thing because at first I thought it was crazy and weird. But the dad I think says, you know how special birthdays are around here, which is just a really weird thing to say. But then thinking about it again, I'm like, birthdays, the day of birth, that's why he said it. So really incredible script here, you guys. Yeah.

Yeah. Sammy wrote this film. I was really hoping you guys would look at that. Actually, if you think about it, the symbolism in this scene. And I just hate the color corrector. It's like a personal vendetta. Flash cuts to her side of the podcast, just mascara running down her face. Yep, super ship in the smoothest.

So okay, so now what the writer, what Sammy had in mind for this scene, right, was that the parents of the girl walk away from the birthday cake to go do presents or whatever, and one candle lights back up and then the ghost blows it out. But it takes so long for that to happen. And the camera is so inexpert, the scene is so inexpertly framed that I had to go back and go like, did anything happen in that fucking scene? It's so easy to miss. It's just bottom little piece of the fucking screen when you're looking in a different

place. I wrote in my notes at this point, oh no, the movie left the room, but we're still here. They forgot about us. The ghost blows out one birthday candle. So yes, the ghost is one year old. I don't know. It's looking forward to it. Also, the fucking blowings.

We actually get a full blown blowing sound from the ghost at this point, just in case it would otherwise be creepy. So okay. So that night, Lucy's laying in bed and she hears a noise. I wish to be born. Oh, you were actually going for that. Yes. Yeah. Holy shit.

Yeah. Thank you. Right, Sammy? That's what you're saying. Yes. All right. So, that night, Lucy's laying in bed and she asks straight up, is there a ghost in here? Which is real. Regular volume always. She's just has no ghost voice.

Every line she reads with the same voice, just, hello, somebody there? Same as dinner with parents. Just not scared. I feel like she just had a fight with her manager and she's like sarcastically doing her job. And I want to be like, Hey, I'm sorry. I feel like you're doing a bit with a manager and she's like sarcastically doing her job and I want to be like hey I'm sorry. I feel like you're doing a bit with a hostess or something. I wasn't involved Don't get that it's a bad idea I've ordered six So she gets up to check and see if there's anything creepy going on.

Then we cut over to dad having just learned that mom is pregnant. Right. So they're having the, should we have this baby or not question. There's also this moment where he goes, Oh, the party night. And I'm like, Oh my God, you can catch life is so sad. The one time that we had sexual intercourse is probably that, right? Yeah, when else? It's probably 2025 sex session if I'm thinking about it.

Just looking at the calendar. Yep, it's this one. It's that. Must be, must be. Yeah. And then so Lucy listens to it while they go like, well, should we have a smorgasbord? And she wanders back out of the room because we're not supposed to know that's the plot yet, Well, they go like, well, should we have a smorgasbord? And she wanders back out of the room, because we're not supposed to know that's the plot yet,

I guess, and she sees something behind the curtain, something hiding, a bulge. And then she pulls back the curtain and nothing is there. She lays down. Podcast listener, I wanna keep you in in mind because again, we're going much faster than this movie goes. We are 15 minutes into this film and no ghost things have happened. Yeah. Perhaps the candle. That's about it. Okay. We're half an hour into the review. Eli, we're not going faster than the movie. It feels like we're going faster than the movie.

Hopefully you're enjoying this more than we enjoyed. We're moving forward at any pace whatsoever. Can I say, if you're not, go ahead and shut it off Kings and Queens. 1.5 speed guys. You have the option. Even at 1.5 speed there's like a good minute of Lucy just being like, should I touch the curtain and pull it? Yes. Oh my God.

And then she does, and it's nothing. And no like sound, no scare, like there's not even the like, whoo-hoo of the pulling back. No fake out scares or anything. It's just, oh, nope. Absolutely nothing. Nothing there. I want to just like a fetus ghost to be down there like super low like, I'm very small. I'm actually here.

That's what it is. I am here. It's like fingernail size. It's not even fingernail size at this point. It would just be like, you know, a couple of cells. That's what it is, man. That's why we can't see it. Okay.

So what you're telling me is I wrote a perfect movie. I think so. I think you know. You wrote a pretty fantastic movie. All right. So the next morning it's breakfast and dad has got to introduce the ancillary character Jack, right? He's like, Jack's coming over and mom's like, Jack is a pervert creep.

And we're like, all right. We don't know that yet, but he's he's got a new startup. This is dad being excited that Jack might get him a job. So Jack's coming over. I'm like, yeah, he's a piece of shit liar. Don't do the meme coin thing with Jack. That stuff is also perfect. And then Lucy just out of nowhere goes, this house is haunted.

Okay. Yeah. That's her, I mean, that's her literal only delivery style. So I don't know what you guys are expecting. So dad says like, well, you know, ghosts are all a bunch of bullshit. Plus, if this was, if there was a ghost in this house, why wouldn't we have noticed it before? And she says, well, what if this is a new ghost?

That's the actual fucking line to which he says, how could a ghost be new? All fucking ghosts start new, don't they? Fucking dumbass. Yeah, you'd think at some point. And what an insane objection. You think we just stopped making ghosts? You think they just stopped making them? I will say it's an interesting ontological question

and Sammy, I thought you put it together nicely here. Oh, okay. Brings up the question philosophically. Thank you, thank you very much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's okay. So then we cut to mom later that day. She's polishing the silverware like you do, you know.

Which is an extremely haunted thing to do. This is the first of many times mom will be doing things that are only appropriate to do in a haunted house. Sure. Right, she will wander from room to room, pushing old Victorian prams and like opening closets with a flourish. This woman is begging to be haunted. This entire film. Right, she is though, yeah. So we watch her think about things for a fucking

while even on one and a half time speed, right? Because like she's supposed to be thinking about getting the abortion but we're just watching her contemplate like she thought that they were going to put a voiceover in there later. And then the TV comes on mysteriously. Okay, podcast listener, there is absolutely no way I wouldn't play you the clip because it would be so boring. There is no way for me to convey to you emotionally how long and boring this three beat of the TV turning on and her turning it back off again. It's a, it's boring

to describe as a joke, but I was weeping with laughter. The third time the TV turned on, I was weeping with laughter in my house. Well, and then she takes the batteries out of the remote as though that's going to solve the problem. I'm like, yeah, now you just can't turn it off. You got to murder it. OK, sorry, one tiny detail I have to talk about. I'm so curious what you think happened here. The TV pops on at one point and we it's like a news broadcast and on the screen it says waterboard warriors

document cleanup What the fuck We were all finding meaning a different place Podcast listener he had to do whatever he could to stay so little To be clear, document cleanup wasn't like the CIA needs to shred their waterboard documents about Gitmo. It was like how to clean up your house for spring. Document cleanup, also waterboard. Yeah, waterboard warriors. Very confusing. Yep.

So, okay. So then she takes the batteries out of the remote and then she hears the dog barking outside. I guess Oscar the dog was stuck in the mud room. This whole time. I don't know. I looked. It's so unclear. We've never seen this dog again. Never comes back. No, I've got a lot of questions about this dog.

Yeah. Like where the fuck did it go? It feels like there was a whole side plot about this dog that got caught. Yeah. Post when the dog's agent saw the final cut or something. Cut from the film. Yep. It's crazy Dog has the same agent as the Jewish servant. Yeah later I'm gonna be an airbud 19 by this Right Like and so she feeds the dog and we listen to the dog eat for a while, which is just fucking great I love listening to dogs eat.

And again, I can't describe to you, podcast sister, it's not haunted and it's not scary. I wrote, should I leave in my notes so many times, right? Like, you know when you come over and you think you're supposed to hang out at someone's house, but they actually just wanted you to bring them drugs? That's what I felt like the entire time.

I was like, oh, I thought we were hanging. I'm sorry. All right. Bye Oscar. When you were a drug dealer, did you think you were friends with everybody? I care. And I would like to not answer. Friends again.

I keep getting these calls from my friends. Heath, join me over here Obviously want to hang out Okay, if you ever need any drugs I have like most afternoon So yeah, yeah. I know in LA you probably have a lot of trouble finding drugs. It's an emergent market for you, you boss. Okay. So now to in case this movie was too comfortable for everyone, we have to

introduce Jack the pedophile creep. Yes. So he shows up to leer uncomfortably at Lucy the daughter for a while. Okay, but can I explain the problem that I had? So Sammy, again, you are new, but I will explain that Christian movies objectify women and especially young girls all the time.

So in this first scene with Jack, I wasn't sure if the scene knew that Jack was behaving badly. Yes, I wasn't either. I was like, are we supposed to be creeped out by this? Or is this just like, well, I mean, I wrote it, so I don't want to be too critical. Or doesn't the writer think that this is a perfectly appropriate way to treat a teenage girl, a pre-teen girl?

Yes, absolutely. So mom's like, hey, the perv's here, let's go get dinner. I think this is a perfectly appropriate way to treat a teenage girl, pre-teen girl. Yes, absolutely. So mom's like, hey, the perv's here. Let's go get dinner. So they go out to get dinner. She'll have a glass of milk. Yep, of course. With her Italian food.

At a restaurant with pizza. Pint of milk. And then mom goes, can I have some alcohol? Wait, some water. And then you get the, you know, gross, you did it with dad line from the montage. You heard them do it. Yeah, right. Why are you surprised?

Right. This is where she says to her mom, I'm in eighth grade, mom, eighth graders know where babies come from. And I wrote in my notes in Noah's hometown, they have babies. Yeah, right. Yeah. And they're not allowed to know in eighth grade. So and she's like, so I'm going to have a sister. She's like, well, I don't know. I might still get an abortion. We're in one of the 26 states where pregnant people have rights still. So.

And then, of course, Lucy's like, wait a second, did you consider aborting me? OK. And mom is like, two, three, what? It's the worst lie I've ever seen. Come on. It's phenomenal. I don't want a son. There's a montage happening in her head and then she's like, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah. And then Lucy gets at least slightly eugenic here. She's like, all right, well, if it's a boy, maybe you can get an abortion. Wow, really? The movie. Opposite of Elon Musk. Well, that's not as good.

Exactly. So. And then they shoehorn in, they're like, all the way anti-choice message here. Mom being like, so, what do do you think would you enjoy a beautiful sibling or do you prefer murdering a baby? Yes we do! What do you think Lucy?

I'm pathetic-al! Yeah, so okay so that morning we have the breakfast telling the parents that the house is haunted scene again. And I know what you're thinking podcast listener. Oh no, I did that thing where I touched my iPhone while the podcast was playing and went back several minutes to the first time this scene happened. No, no, no. This scene happens multiple times throughout the movie. She's like, there's something in my room at night.

And they're like, is it Jack? And she's like, what? They're like, no, no, nevermind. Nevermind. Yeah. She says there's something in my room at night and the parents are way less concerned than they should be. Even knowing that the something is supposed to be a ghost.

I would definitely asking what the thing in the something was before I was like, Hey, you're probably just a crazy man. Yeah. Dadsters children. Are you on drugs or something? But she's like 13. Like she might be. Yeah.

Right. Like that's not a joke thing. Right. So, but she's like, but I have evidence that there's a ghost. Look at this. The ghost took a picture of my hand with my phone. Right. And the people who made this movie,

Sammy included, no offense, Sammy, don't understand how absolutely hilarious the notion of a fetus taking a selfie of his sister's hand is. Well, so, okay, so this is where I start to believe that this actually was based on a true story, right? Because like, this is the kind of dumb shit that people actually say as evidence that their house is haunted.

I dropped my phone and it took a picture in the direction it was facing. Right. How could that ever have happened? So that strikes me as a, we're actually stuck with this source material kind of a moment. Yeah. But the phone was facing the other way.

Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It's on front page. It has four buttons. It does. It has cameras on both sides. So then we watch mom on her phone, not writing. She never fucking does any goddamn work.

There's one scene where she ever gets any fucking work done. But she sure is thinking a lot. And then she hears a mysterious sound somewhere in the fucking house. We are 25 minutes into this movie. Yeah, this is the 11th time somebody's like, what was that? And walks around in the house, she won't find anything. Now, we should also point out they have a dog, right? Like, I just imagine my life if every time I'm trying to work, get some work done, I hear my cats doing some shit, I get up and wander around the house looking to see what the fuck it was. I spent so much of this movie going, huh, I guess scary movies are harder to make than

I thought they would be. Right? You take it for granted. Yeah. Yeah. So we watch her walk up these stairs for so long that it stops being funny and starts being funny again. It comes back around for us.

And then we get to, for the first time, the creepy attic. Now, as Eli has already pointed out, this isn't a creepy attic. It's actually a quite lovely attic. It's all finished and it looks like a really usable space. Bay windows. Yeah, gorgeous lighting. Light pouring in through the windows. Yes, exactly. It's this lovely attic.

And they haven't really gone, so what they've done is they've got, given us very narrow views of it, and they've tried to throw like, you know, a dust, like, like, like, you know, a dusty cover over something or something like that along the way. So she goes up into the attic and she discovers an abandoned Victorian pram. Yes.

Now, I want to be clear, podcast listener. I am a devout atheist. I don't believe in angel food cake, but if I walk into my attic and there was an old Victorian pram up there I am walking out the door and literally never coming back Okay, not running back down the stairs a little bit screaming Well, but here also here's the thing so many of the problems of this movie would have been solved that this family just moved Into this fucking house, but they're supposed to have lived here as far as we know this girl this like, you know, 12 13 year old girls whole fucking life This is your attic. This is your old fucking victorian bram

I I was a little confused here. Is this the first time she's ever been in this attic? Like there's like another scene that we'll get to later that i'm also like do you guys not look at at the places in your They find a whole stairway later, yeah, we'll get to it And then by the way that old creepy decrepit pram that was the payoff We watch her walk around this house for four and a half minutes, and she's like,, creepy stroller. That's it. That's it. That is all we had. It's still really scary. I'm not going back up there until I have like a buddy system thing going on. I'm not going back up there ever.

I'm never going into a room where there's a creepy Victorian prank. There's no re the best case scenario is I see an old prank. This is why Eli and Heath have to have a friend like me around. Okay. So now mom has to go to the library. Just us waiting outside on the front. No, do it again. You get the pram.

I'm bringing it out in a hazmat suit or something. Is this a regular one? Did you check for other prams? Other Victorian things? I'm still scared from here. I'm going to leave. Is there a lady in a lace veil sitting in one quarter of the room? You have to take her out too.

All right. So now it's time for mom who will, I think she gets a name like eight minutes before this movie is over, but she goes to the library to look up how haunted her house is. And this is where she'll meet Mary Squire, Earth's most helpful librarian. This is the greatest librarian of all time. I wanted the whole movie to be about her once we learned about her.

Just going above and beyond really. Yeah, so they start talking about how haunted the house is. I wrote my notes. Wow, if they'd given mom a name, we'd be passing the Bechdel test right now. But she's like, hey, you know, like, I want to know more about my house. And she's like, well, what would you like to know? And they beat around the bush, but eventually she's like, hey, you know, like, I want to know more about my house. And she's like, well, what would you like to know?

And they beat around the bush. But eventually she's like, well, you know, it's haunted. So I'd like to know about that. And she's like, oh, Rebecca, the ghost that lives in your house. And I'm like, Mary, fuck you for making her ass. Like, you open with that. Exactly. Yeah, bitch, what?

Open with the haunted house. Hey, how about you name all the ghosts you know about, just in case it's the one I'm clearly talking about. If I say a place and you don't open with there's a ghost there, you're on the ghost team. Yes. That's what side you're on now. You're a ghost.

You're working with the ghosts. You put that pram in there. So yeah, so she's like no No, we actually have a we have a whole section of the library dedicated to people finding out who's haunting their house And she's like wow, that's wildly convenient. She's like, isn't it though? So they go and they start looking together Mary has nothing else to do with her day So Mary's gonna spend the rest of her day Helping mom look through old photos of her house and shit, right?

Yeah And can I just take a moment to sort of have a meta conversation about the plot here, right? Because we spoiled this at the beginning. The ghost in the house is the baby she's about to abort. So why does the librarian know about? Has there been a pre-aborted baby ghost in the house for hundreds of years? That's what I was trying to figure out. Yeah, if this was like from the previous family. Just someone hanging out in Victorian era being like, hi, sorry to bother you. A lady might exercise a right to choose in 200 years.

Yeah, so it's okay. So they actually try to write this out at the very end, right? Cause this is all a red herring. Yeah, right. They're going to spend most of the rest of this movie trying to track down who is Rebecca the ghost. But then later the librarian will be like,

ah, maybe she just doesn't exist. Maybe I just made her up in that one scene so that people wouldn't automatically know it was an abortion ghost. Right? So, but this is where we learned that the house that they live in was built by the guy who invented the paper that American money is printed on.

That's so dumb. Oh my God. But that's who he is. They don't use that at all. They just tell us that. Yeah. I didn't catch any of this. I must have just heard it in one ear out the other and didn't matter.

Right? No, none of this matters. Again, it's all about hearing, because she learns that like- Did you just write it in a fugue state? Yeah. Sorry, excuse me. This is, can I say something brave? This is, I'm talking to an older person

at an atheist convention, and I don't know how to escape the conversation. Yeah, right, right, giving you all that. This is a kid telling you a joke, right? Giving you all this- And her daughter, her daughter was, oh, what's the, it's not a fisherman, Right giving you all that this is a kid telling you a joke right giving you all the daughter Her daughter was a oh, what's the it's not fishermen, but it's a specific kind of fishermen I'll give you $100 I

Said do you listen to podcasts? I have to check a parachute. I'll be right back I'll be right back So yeah, but but they learned that that he the homeowner. They learned that their gardener was Jewish, a Jewish family named Klein that possibly had a daughter that possibly died and got ghostified in their house. Okay, I am so grateful that you just said that right now because the sentence that was about to go come out of my mouth was who the fuck are these people? And what do they have to do with the movie? I saw the scenes you saw but I walked away from this movie with no idea

why we learned the servants name or the fact that they're Jewish. Yeah, that was it. Well, but we there is no reason for this, right? Like they just had to write literally anything and they're like, ooh, what if it was a Jew? Jew! That's creepy, isn't it? Do you think this was like woke representation in the head of the story? We'll have one Jewish. There you go. All right, everyone.

I asked a church and none of the black people go to my church, but we think Chris's daughter looks a bit Jewish, so we think we can really DEI it up with them. Well, as long as they do the worst imaginable German accent, I think we can pull it off. Don Kuh! Diversity, equity, Israelite. We nailed it. So, okay, so then mom goes home, she's looking at the house and she's like seeing the memory of them, of the old family taking their picture with their Jewish gardener or whatever.

And as she's doing that, she looks up in the window and she sees the little ghost girl appearing as an apparition. Except like a competent filmmaker makes her, you know, just barely visible. And can you see, is that a girl in there or not? But she's just very obviously in the window. Leaning against the window blowing bubbles making little feet with her hands yeah while looking at an old photo of a thing they were never there for but somehow you should see me just in case I'm farting up here Jewish farts the farts of my people a real gefilte fish

box alright well that is the closest we've come to unambiguously a horror movie thing happening so we're gonna cling to that break but we'll be back in a minute with even more Wraith. I'm telling you dude just check the macros. I'm not eating dog food. I didn't say we were gonna eat dog food I said check the macros. Hey guys what's all the sixes and sevens? Um what?

Oh it's a British idiom. I'm, I'm running out of different ways to say this. Right. Right. So Eli's trying to get me to eat dog food. I didn't say we should eat it. I said we should consider the macros before we eliminate it as an option. You want to get in shape or not Heath?

Okay. If it means eating dog food, not. Oh guys, if you want to get in shape, why don't you just try FitBod? What's FitBod? What's FitBod? FitBod customizes every workout and adapts as you improve to avoid boredom and plateaus on your journey. That sounds great!

It is. I downloaded FitBod when they became a sponsor. I love how I can get a workout in depending on how I feel and based on what equipment I have available. That's why I, no illusions, personally endorse FitBod. I don't know. I always find that workout stuff hard to follow along with. Not with FitBod you won't.

FitBod has customized workout plans that work for you and over a thousand demonstration videos. Amazing, Noah. Where do I sign up? Level up your workout. Join FitBod today to get your personalized workout plan. Get 25% off your subscription or try the app for free for seven days at fitbod.me slash gam. That's F-I-T-B for seven days at fitbod.me slash gam.

That's F I T B O D dot M E slash gam. All right, Noah. Thanks. Looks like you guys won't have to eat dog food after all. Okay. But did you look at the protein before we drop it? Yeah, man, because it's dog food. I'm just saying.

Okay. It's pretty good. And it's a lot of protein. It's bacon. Can I help you? Yeah, I was hoping to find some information about my house. I see. And which house is it? The gray one on Carver.

Oh, that's the Helmsome House, built in 1842. Here, follow me. What's this? This is our historical room. We keep all the info on all of the houses in town in here. Amazing. Yes, here you'll find the Helmsome family, their births and death days, the ghosts in their house, and the names of all their servants.

Sorry, what? Yes, even the servants were kept track of. I believe this one's name was Klein. No, no, did you say my house has a ghost? Oh, yeah, it does. Now, let's see if we can find the blueprints. No, no, no. Sorry, sorry. Can we actually talk about the ghost a little bit more?

Oh, it's an undead spirit mostly in the attic. Little girl, I think. Did you know there used to be a garden in the backyard? Focus up. Right, sorry. Ghost. And we're back for more of this shit and we're going to rejoin the family at dinner while mom tells them about what she learned in the previous scene. She's repeating the old person story from the atheism given and he was making money,

making money. Can you believe it? Honey, I got gotta check a parachute. Yeah, right. And then she says, and I quote, there is some sort of sadness here, some melancholy, a spirit. Fucking what?

Yeah, and this is where the little girl does like her celebration dance on top of dad. She's like, see, I told you there was a fucking ghost dad. Piece of shit. Get a job by the way. So, okay. So now she, she comes back to the library to look into them Jews in the background, right? She goes to Mary Squire, the librarian, and she says, Hey, the gardeners that worked for the family that owned our house,

their last name was Klein. And she's like, Mary's like, well, how do you know that? She's like, I saw it in the flashback. And she's like, wait, you learned things from that flashback? That brings up so many questions. You were seeing that like physically before you. You were seeing a vision that had useful exposition. Why? Why wouldn't you scream upon suddenly being transported to the 1850s? You know it was a vision. And this is the very first part of the interaction. So she shows up the library again and comes in hot being just like, it's a Jewish guy.

It's a Jewish guy. What? What? That's a weird start to a conversation. Hello. It's the Jewish guy. What? And she goes, you know, can we do you think we could find their their help and she's like well You know those people were more in the shadows back in those days I'm like wish you weren't talking about Jewish people when you said She sure is also I feel like we were never in the shadows can I say something?

Always been like I don't know if you saw the garden. Well, when you were poisoning those wells, it helped to keep to the shaft. Yeah. That's how we get into it. But so she says, well, why don't you ask the ghost what she's doing there so that night Lucy wakes up to a creepy sound in the fucking night and gets up to check for monsters and shit Good times drink. Yeah, I actually wrote my notes Lucy's gonna wake up to a noise. There it is. Yep It's it is truly Unbearable how many times we watch this happen in the film So she gets up and she starts like let's let's be honest. She starts tempting the ghost

Yes Right. She's like she's like I guess I'll stick my hand under the bed, but not look now put my ear to the vent I'll put my ear to the vent nothing happens'll put my ear to the vent. Nothing happens, right? Because it's this movie. Yeah, this is where I really was like very impressed at how unbelievably not scary it was. Like there's the shot where her ear is leaning down to the vent. Then a hand slowly comes into frame and I'm like, okay, we're getting like ghost hands going to touch her.

No, it's her own hand. Iting back her hair so that it's not in the vent and just like, oh, okay. She gets in a fight with her own hands. Let go of me. Oh, no, that's me. She sticks her finger through the vent. You're like, oh, something's going to lop her finger off. No, she just pulls it back out and wanders off again. Well, and there's also no shots of like what's in the vent. It's just like her... Like normally in a horror movie, you'd have the shot of the darkness under the bed.

We don't have that shot in this movie. It's just a full wide shot of her. And we would zoom slowly. It's so silly. She hears like a clanking noise and she's like, okay, it's probably the scrap metal collection under my bed getting rattled by a ghost. I'll check that.

They don't show us that. Then we see the radiator vent thing. And then I love this part. We see her, they cut straight to it. Her sliding her entire face up the side of the wall. There's no way that's not funny. Like a stethoscope with her ear to the wall checking for ghosts? It's the silliest possible fucking thing. And again, nothing happens in this scene. She just goes from one, like, well, if it was a horror movie, surely something would eat my finger if I did this, to another.

And nothing fucking happens. Eventually she goes and wakes up Dad. She's like, hey, there's a scratching in my bedroom. And he's like, is it Jack? And she's like, what? And goes, I'll check. I'll check. See if it's this fucking mysterious dog that hasn't shown up again in the goddamn movie. She just starts sniffing around the room like a dog trying to smell a ghost.

Yeah, it was fun. So, okay, so they go downstairs, her and dad go downstairs to see if they can find a plot point down there. Dad is shining a flashlight around, but it's your house. Yeah. Right, you can just turn the lights on. Yeah, turn the lights on. And he shines the flashlight at his own face a couple times.

I noticed that. So many times! Boogie like a campfire, but that doesn't make any sense if you're looking at things in a dark area. Now you're just being dumb. Now you can't see them anymore, yeah. And she's like, and he's like, well, you know, it's probably a rodent. And I'm like, right, because that's the sound that it's making is a rodent in the walls, right?

And those are real. Yeah, there's a lot of reasons to go with rodent. Not remotely scary either, yeah. But then there's just a fucking weird screaming jump scare running through the house. OK, I have to tell you about the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. In the middle of this jump scare.

I mean between and I got a to be add. Don't dishwasher soap. 97 minutes of DraftKings ads later, it was like the funniest comedy I've ever seen is Wraith on Tubi at minute 41 12 whatever that's amazing but yeah so they're like oh mom must have screamed let's run because we should also point out that this the reason Eli is able to get a tubi out in the middle of this jump scares that this jump scare is 11 seconds long. Right?

The ghost is screaming its way through the house, but it goes like opposite of stairs and it like, oh, not through that door. I'll go through this other door. Wait, like it goes on forever. They run upstairs. Mom's asleep. Right? And they're like, oh, well, I guess that screaming is probably the rodent, probably a mouse or

something. Right? Because they don't then go like, oh, there's a screaming ghost probably the rodent, probably a mouse or something. Because they don't then go like, oh, there's a screaming ghost in the fucking house from that point on. And then they start hearing a kid crying. So they go to check that sound and I'm like, my God, we were already going to check a fucking sound. You stupid ass movie. So this time they have to go to the attic. Dad is so fucking sound. You stupid ass movie. So they go this time they have to go to the attic.

Dad is so fucking stupid he goes, you didn't invite any friends over to cry in the closets or anything did you? And she's like, no, I don't. Like she's going to go, oh, Chelsea, right? She's always hiding from the attic crying. Oh, right. Yeah, her and the dog are up here actually. I forgot about that. Do you have any friends that do little girl screaming pranks on a random basis? So they realize it's coming from the attic and I love this. This is maybe my favorite moment in the whole fucking movie. Dad goes, why don't we check this out tomorrow?

I loved this as well. It's the sound of a crying child coming from your attic, motherfucker. Saving that till tomorrow is a crime, man. Yeah, no, you go to jail for that. They go up the attic. He goes, I haven't been up here in ages. And I'm like, it sounds like you're trying to establish an alibi about why this is a crying kid in your attic, man.

I'll tell you, if my fingerprints are up here, it is a coincidence. That's just what I want to clarify right now. He goes, look at this, but we can't because the movie is just showing his stupid flashlight beam. Oh, sorry. I've got it on my face. Look at this now.

But he doesn't even do that. But apparently this is where they notice a stairway in their own goddamn home that they never noticed before. They've lived here for 10 years, according to later in the movie. Didn't know about a staircase. Yeah, and to be clear, it's not like they pulled a certain book out from the bookcase and it turned around to reveal. It's just there.

It's just a staircase. Right. Yeah. Right. It's not magical. Even if it was that, if I move into a house, I'm pulling out every book to check if something spins and I get a staircase. That's awesome. Old ass house like that? Yeah. Fuck yeah, you would. When they found it, I really wanted

to be like, all right, we got to call that inspector and get our money back. This is really something. He should have noticed this. And then they go down and there there's a creepy room with no lights And so dad says let's split up you stay up here You stay down here stay in this room neither of us have ever been in before Yes, I feel the urge to isolate my child. That's what I yeah. Yeah, so you're you've got your phone flashlight, right? Let's never nobody check the battery left on that. I'm gonna leave the room Yeah, they're in the very first actual kind of scary situation and he's like, let's split up. You stay here in this new stairway in the dark. I'm going to knock on the wall.

Does any ghost attacks? I'll scream like a ghost to warn you. Is that helpful? Okay, bye. To be fair, he did want to check it out tomorrow. No, that's true. That's true. It goes back to bed. That'd be great. She's only got 3% battery, which only lasts one second. I was going to say 3%, you got like 15, 20 minutes on that. Generally speaking.

Thank you. Yeah. But no, but her light goes out. So now we're just looking at the dark. Yup. Stupid ass movie. But so she starts screaming. She hears a ghost.

There's something weird. There's a ghost flash, right? We see our first flash of the ghost. And then dad just breaks down the goddamn wall of his home. Weirdest possible solution to this problem, right? Because she knows where the stairway is. She just walked down it. Yeah. So, but yeah, he breaks through the fucking wall.

He also knows where the stairway is. Right, yes, yeah, he could just go down and get her. He has a flashlight that still has batteries in it. This is why I kind of in this moment was like, is this like another dimension? But no, it's definitely not. Definitely not. So then we get one of the most unintentionally hilarious moments of the whole fucking movie,

right? So he's sweeping up the wall that he just demolished. He turns to the girl who was just molested by a UHF ghost and he goes, you okay? You want a soda? She says, no, you keep asking me that. Right, which implies that he keeps asking. This is not the first time and And that she keeps saying no. And then he's just like re-asking.

Now are you okay? How about now? How about now? Show that whole scene. That's hilarious. You okay? No. Okay.

You okay now? Parenting is just. Two, three, four. Don't count out loud. I can hear you counting out loud. And then he goes, he goes, you know, this is Don't count out loud. I can hear you counting out loud. And then he goes, he goes, you know, this is a lot to sweep up. Why don't we just go to sleep for now and we'll tackle this in the morning.

And I'm like, in the house that you both just heard and saw demonic ghosted, I'm sure she'll sleep great, man. You just smashed through a wall with an axe. All right, let's call it a night. I'm going to hit the dusty trail. The man is tired. I'll tell you what, bursting through that wall to find you being hated by a spirit did tuckered me out.

He's been trying to go to bed this whole time. He's been mentioning it. He's tired. Take the dad on Christmas morning morning except there's a ghost. Yeah, right. This family loves milk and they love bed. It's true. They do.

But then they go, they decide to go outside and check for yard ghosts and they hear that the scratching sound that she's hearing was like a mouse or something caught in the gutter. Seriously, as they were walking, I thought it was gonna be like, oh, there's an old stairway with gargoyles leading to a crypt in the yard. I never knew that. I never seen this before. Is that a swimming pool full of blood? Come on, kiddo, let's check this out.

And also, so what we're meant to believe then is that the scratching sound is just a coincidence, right? Like they started looking for in the first place. That just happened to coincide with a ghost wandering around their house too. But she very much saw the ghost. Yes. I don't know how we were able to just kind of be like,

oh, ha ha, the rat. Yeah, I guess it was a rat the whole time. You saw it. You saw it. Right? Did they think it was a rat crying in the attic as well. Right. Because they heard that too.

Yeah. They hear it in the gutter and he goes, well, problem solved. And I'm like, well, the smaller of the two problems. But so they go to go back inside. But dad has actually locked them out. So he's like, well, you know, if I've got to get a ladder to climb in the window to unlock the door for us, I guess we might as well save the gutter rat. Do they try knocking on the door? Nope. No, no, no. Sleeps pretty deep. Better take a

ladder up to her window. Yeah. But first they're going to rescue the rat. And I'm like, well, how is a ladder going to help you rescue the rat? It's in the gutter. Right. Are you going to take the gutter? No, he's just going to smack the side of it and yell, get out of my gutter, you rat. Yeah, he just wants to smack the side up a little higher. I guess. I don't know. But yeah, the falls, slaps the shenanigans with the, and the squirrel, the rat, whatever, runs out, right?

So I have a theory. I think the fucking movie was doing a metaphor. So when they first notice there's an animal in the gutter, Dad's like, I'll call a guy. And Lucy's like, OK, but like, will the guy kill it? And he's like, yeah, probably. And then they go rescue the animal and bring it out of the birth canal.

Oh Sammy Nelden. Sammy Nelden once again. A beautiful metaphor. Thank you. Okay I found the slapstick moment of the ladder fall wildly inconsistent with the tone. The mom is inexplicably awake downstairs laughing we're all just like. It's like the end of a Christmas episode of a sitcom Yes, but out of because again, it has been ghost pop scare trapped outside

Rodan inside is dying and then all of a sudden he's like all my eggs Tonally wild and then yeah, and then mom is suddenly standing beside him going. Ha ha ha ha ha ha What happened? Yeah, okay, and then mom is suddenly standing beside him going, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. We're like, what happened? Yeah, okay. So then, we watch Lucy get awakened by a strange noise at night. This time in slow-mo though. Yes, all right. Drink.

So Lucy screams this time. Mom runs in to Jack, right? She's like, what are you screaming at? She's like, look. And she points at the corner where there's a drawing on the wall of two kids and it's labeled me and you. Okay. At this point, it was like, seems like a, seems like a nice ghost, right?

A very Casperly situation. It's friendly like, oh, we'd be friends. This family feels anti-Semitic is what I'm saying, right? Yes. Right, like I wrote in my notes, even if you haven't figured out that this is a pre-abortion ghost, that isn't scary. No, usually it's like a drawing of knives being stabbed

into its legs. This is what I'm gonna do to do when I find you. Be your buddy. Yeah, right. And so and of course, if you're if you're actually, you know, buying into this inspired by a true story thing, what we have here is we have the daughter overhearing the parents talking about getting an abortion. Right. And then we have the mom telling her that she's thinking about it, getting an abortion.

And then the parents come in and some Creepy ghost has written a don't get an abortion message on the wall about how she could have a sister and it'd be pretty awesome And a squirrel inside a gutter is kind of like a great metaphor for what's going on Thinking I'm gonna get really great grades just in case anyone's wondering I think I'm really gonna Love to have my parents live with me in their old age. I'm not sure what today is feeling, but... It's okay. So now dad has to fly away from the movie for a few days, you know, for his business thing. And obviously that's to set up something, right? There must be some reason

why. Anyway, yeah. You would think, you would think you would think. And mom's like, well, I sure wish you wouldn't leave, you know, right when I'm pregnant and the house is haunted. And he's like, well, you know, there's never a good time to leave. Right. But there are times when the house isn't haunted.

You fuck. You just saw a ghost yesterday. That's what I love about this, right? Because he saw a ghost yesterday. He's like, you know what? I need to fly to another state. Bye. Okay.

I have a question. Do you think the movie was trying to set up a thing here and then they forgot? So he's like, yeah, I got to get this job in the paper industry. And mom's like, hold on. Did you say paper industry? And then they cut. And like, are they going for, you know, something vaguely related to that family who the guy who invented US Mint paper back in the day, right?

Employed the parents of the ghost girl were led to believe here. Very confusing. But they're not. They're not. This is unrelated. I think they just forgot. So they think to themselves, I think what happened is that this writer twice had to say, okay, what's a job where you make a lot of money? Paper.

That happens. And, and hey, that guy when he was asking himself that question was looking at paper. I think we've been through the commonality. Typing. This really made me laugh. She asks him, well, when are you going to be back? And he says, there's no way to know. I feel like there is, cause you would have a return ticket. I think there's a way to know. So I could say maybe two or three days. Give me a ballpark. You're just going to, ah, sorry, I'm leaving down. There's just simply no way to know when I'll be back.

Paper industry is very volatile. You got to just get a one way. You know how it goes. So okay. So now like Lucy's leaving school, mom is in the attic walking around just appreciating how genuinely creepy it looks if you look at it from this downward angle and you don't pan up so she does that for a while we hear the ghost humming she opens up this like old wardrobe and finds an old dress I don't know what because she hugs it and we don't know

why she hugs it yeah I don't know why did you it. Yeah, I don't know. Why did you guys figure out? Why is this I also didn't know why it's supposed to be Rebecca's old dress. I think Right there. It's supposed to look like the girl that she saw in a vision while she was Yeah, I have some follow-up questions about about that without I don't want to spoil anything but Right, but yeah, cuz this is an unrelated white dress. Right. I mean, that's what we're to believe anyway. OK, so then it gets dark and stormy. And mom, for the first time in her fucking in the entire movie, is on her laptop getting some work done. Now, we should point out

this is right when her daughter's getting out of school and needs a ride home in the pouring rain. The only time she's chosen to work in the entire fucking movie. So Lucy's walking home in this pouring rain when all of a sudden, pedophile Jack shows up to ask if she needs a ride. And so Lucy goes to get in the car and the ghost goes, Oh,

come on. He's obviously a fucking pedophile. Come on. Look in the credits. His name is pedophile Jack. Okay. So if I, with apologies to Sammy, if this was a competently written movie, right, it would be like, no. And then she gets in the car and we see the danger that happens, but there's a no moment. And then she's like, Hmm, and then she gets in the car and we see the danger that happens. But there's a no moment and then she's like, hmm, should I get in the car? And the ghost full face fucking appears and is like, hey, sorry, I realized it was a little soft spoken there. Do not get into the car with him. And she's like, yeah, I'm on the right on it.

So you just take a right up here. It's an SUV. Is this cool? No, no, don't. She's like, well, it's raining, so I'll take my chances. Right. She ignores the ghost. She gets in the car with Jack. And this is one of those scenes where you genuinely need a good filmmaker for it not to be incredibly uncomfortable to watch and we don't have one, right?

We do not have one. Genuinely, like the only, like this movie was boring, but this was the only time it was unpleasant, right? Was this scene. Yeah. Although I will say the real horror movie was definitely when this actor said, I'm just making nice, nice. Oh God.

But yeah, but so she, but Jack like drives past her house and she goes, Hey, wait a minute. What's going on here? And he's like, didn't you hear the fucking ghost? I'm pedophile Jack. I'm a pedophile murderer guy. So then the ghost kills Jack with a heart attack. Yep. So this ghost fucking rules like at this moment I was very happy about Rebecca.

Oh yeah. And this role of like oh I foil pedophiles as a ghost. Yeah hell yeah. But now the movie needs to oh I foil pedophiles as a ghost. Yeah, hell Yeah, but now the movie needs to be way different and they don't do that They don't you need to spend the rest of the time You should spend the rest of your movie figuring out how to make this ghost comfortable being like hey Do you want us to do like more candlelit evenings? Like would that be yeah the vibe? Yeah This is your whole thing now.

Yeah. You want a Ouija board? Yeah, I was going to say the ghost should also be like on the lookout for pedophiles and shit. Yeah. In the family Christmas car. Just like, what's your name's in the eighth grade? And the ghost saved her from being molested by a pedophile.

We're really glad she's here. And so we should point out too, this scene is genuinely amazing, right? Like it's uncomfortable to watch up to this point. But the ghost appears and they don't have very good CGI in this movie. So it's just a little girl who's got a white makeup on and they've they've touched her up a little in post or whatever. But it's just a little girl standing in like kind of in between him and Lucy just going, oh, boogity, boogity, boogity.

And they linger on it too long and it's not shot correctly. So it's not remotely, like it's, it's very clearly like a jump scare intended for people with bad hearts, right? But it's supposed to be scary enough to give this guy a fatal heart attack. And that's a juxtaposition that just fucking works. Let me tell you yeah so the car rolls to a stop like they do when you die I guess

yeah safely I don't know I never died in a car yes we get right and the ghost stands there in front of the car like all like gotcha do you see hey Lucy do you see I jumped out and killed the fact that. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to listen next time you say that. Yeah, no, I tell you, I should have. I should have. You know, McGruff, the crime dog is a standing next door. Really should have listened to the ghost. That was fucked up. The more you know.

Listener, you don't know this because Morgan is a great editor, but Eli accidentally said McGruff, the time dog first. And I want that spin off so goddamn bad. How dare you! Keeping things at the end. Time Cop crossed with McGruff. Yes, yeah exactly. The universe.

Love that. JCVD. Yeah. Only you can prevent you from all from I from you. Only you can prevent paradoxes. My version was better. It was better. So okay, so then Lucy she comes in, right?

So, she went and mom's like, oh, I'm so sorry that I made you walk home in a thunderstorm full of pedophiles. I was working for the first time in the whole movie. Hope nothing bad happened. Yeah. She's calling it from the other room. She's like, hon, you get attempted, molested, and murdered, but then it goes, saved your life.

I'm opening an Etsy store. She says guess I'm a bad mom. Like it is hilarious how torrential this downpour is right. This is a gather two of the unclean and seven of the clean animals level downpour and mom's like oh yeah I guess I probably should have driven you home rather than made you walk through lightning. And she goes, well, your dad might have a job. He's got a meeting coming up with Jack. And Lucy's like, yeah, no, I don't think that he does. And she goes, what?

She goes, nothing, nothing, ghost dad, he's ghost dad. And I guess she then goes on to tell mom, yeah, actually Jack tried to molest me, but then the ghost jumped out and killed him. Right? Because the next scene is mom calling dad and telling him about Jack's attempted pedophilia. Yeah. It's very strangely, strangely handled here.

This is not, she, I feel like almost the first thing she says is like, no, we shouldn't call the police. Yes. What? Right. I feel like that the first thing she says is like, no, we shouldn't call the police. Yes. What? Right. I feel like that's a call. That's a call. We don't want to go any further with this than we already love.

Why? Yes, you do though. And also, so this is a small detail, but I love it when shit like this happens. So clearly, when this was originally filmed, there was no dad voice, right? It was just her on the phone delivering that one side of the phone dialogue. And then whatever fucking idiots they found for a test audience just didn't get who she was talking to here. And so they ADR'd in some lines for dad.

But he can't make it work because she just does the whole random, okay, okay thing that people do when they're faking a phone call. Right? So he says like, I wish I was there. And she goes, okay. My wife responds when I say that to my grandma when I say I love you at the end. So, and so, okay. And then there I go too. I wish she wouldn't put your wedding in air quotes whenever she talks about it

I think it's really unkind of her see you at the wedding Yeah, not what you deserve then she gets off the phone with that she turns to Lucy mom doesn't she goes I would die if anything ever happened to you and then like well then don't make her walk home and lightning storms full of perverts Then yeah fucking terrible mother pretty easy something happened. You should die That's exactly I was gonna say something did happen Yeah, they are not treating this with the with the level of severity that it deserves they're kind of just like oh you're good Okay, we don't need the cops. All right, great. You okay now Even in a non ghost murder type of molestation, they're underplaying

things here. Yes, exactly. So, okay, then we watch, shit, you non, Lucy, wake up to a creepy sound again. It's nice. It was nice because I got to feel like I was having Alzheimer's as I watched this movie. Yeah. So we watch her look at the shadows on the ceiling for a little while, but then abortion ghost is in the room.

And so she says, hey, how'd you know that guy was a pedophile? And the ghost goes, oh, this movie's characters are incredibly one dimensional. How did you not know? Right. Yes, the ghost appears to victim shame her. She's like, you were asking for it. It's like, ooh.

Hey, Rebecca, I know you're from like old timey times, but that is not okay, girl. Like that is, look at what you were wearing. Hey! Ah! Taking Rebecca to go see Boys Don't Cry. Okay, do you get it now? You understand how it's like part of the code?

I've learned so much. She's like, she's like, hey ghost, did you kill that guy? And the ghost was like, no. And I'm like, dude, you fucking gaslight us ghost. We were watching the goddamn, you absolutely killed that guy. Heart attack killed him. Yeah. Can't convict me.

Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people. And I'm not a bullet. What are you, a cop? You have to tell me if you are. And then mom wakes up late one night to a ghost sound. The ghost is looming over her, right? And she goes, who are you?

And the ghost goes, I want to live. In case you didn't get it yet. Subtle. Yeah. And then mom hides under one sheet. That ought to do it. Yeah. That's the move. And the ghost is like, hey, that's nothing. I can travel the astral plane.

I kill pedophiles. I just did one. I just did one. So that's nothing. Don't murder me. Yeah. And then the ghost, like she pulls the sheet up and she's like, if I don't look at you, you'll go away. And the ghost like touches her face through the sheets. And the movie is like, Ooh, touched her face through the sheets. Pretty creepy. Pretty creepy. All right. Well, spoiler alert, ignoring the ghost does not make it go away, so there's

still a whole other fucking act coming, so let me give that one the hard sound. Can ghosts go in reverse? How did the pre-ghost learn to speak English? Wouldn't a pre-ghost really fuck up Christian cosmology? Find out the answers to nowhere near enough of these questions when we return for the frog boilingly slow burn conclusion of... Wraith. And then when he announced the fourth set of tariffs... You bought it on the bounce. Bought it on the bounce! Hey guys, why is Eli wearing gold chains? Did he get booked by that Saudi prince to do a Christmas carol again? Dude, no way. He's banned from like the whole country.

Okay, first of all, I'm not banned. I have been asked not to come back and two, no, I got this from my amazing financial choices. But you, you make the opposite of those. He does. But you know how Eli always tries to buy things on the bounce? Buy it on the bounce. Yeah, got it. Well, he's been doing that with the US economy this year and it's kind of working.

Taco baby! He's doing the taco. Right. Well, that's still a terrible way to manage your money, Eli. You're going to lose eventually. Eli! Yes. Okay, Mr. Smarty Gibbett, what's a better way to keep track of my money?

Why, rocket money, of course. What's Rocket Money? Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. That does sound safer than a rug pull on a meme coin. That's because it is. Rocket Money will even try to negotiate lower bills for you. They automatically scan your bills to find opportunities to save.

Then you can ask them to negotiate for you. They'll deal with customer service so you don't have to. OK, but will it actually save me money? And sure will. Rocket Money has over five million users and has saved a total of five hundred million dollars in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to seven hundred and forty dollars a year when they use all the apps premium features. Seven hundred and forty bucks a year. That's a full one of my two chains. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money.

Go to rocketmoney.com slash awful movies today. That's rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. Rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. Gonna go buy two chains now? Names take a buck. Oh really? Three chains? I think that one's free. Maybe. Nice. I'll start saving.

Buy it on the bough. So how did everybody sleep last night? Ugh, terrible. I saw the ghost again. Now Ellie, I told you ghosts aren't real. Actually darling, last night I saw the ghost too. I told you ghosts aren't real. Actually, darling, last night I saw the ghost too. I told you? Yeah, it came to me in a dream.

I was just lying in my bed. Fucking said it. No such thing as ghosts, you said. And then all of a sudden this vision appeared of a girl. Couldn't fucking listen though, could you? Aw, kid must be making shit up. Can't be a real ghost. And she was dressed all in white.

Okay. So what do you think we should do? Eat my entire ass. That's what you should do, dad. You know what, Ellie? We got it. We got it. I'm just saying.

Okay. You've said. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Mary, the librarian, handing mom off to a priest who knows like more about that stuff and has a more impressive IMDB resume. Right? She's like, I want to keep looking up stuff about your house full time as my job, but she says he tried to help me recently. I hope he can help

you. We never find out what that means or what that's in reference to. No, and he actually throws some cold water on it later. Yeah. As if she's overstating things. Yeah. But apparently, yeah, he helped Mary with a ghost at some point in the past. Oh, that's very funny. There's like a little bit of drama hinted at between them. Oh, you're right. There is. Yeah. It's like, I don't know what she's talking about.

I don't care for her. Actually, if you think about it, this is pretty good writing in this one particular moment, right? Yeah. It's pretty interesting. You can only take a moment to appreciate how these characters have rich backstories and lives outside of them. Almost like someone should have optioned a sequel.

Or a prequel even, yeah. Well, again, this speaks to the whole, is it really based on a true story thing? There actually was, actually no, he did fuck the librarian that one time and that's sitting in their dark past. But yeah, so she goes to see him. He's a priest and she comes across him typing in the dark and it's fucking it's Bishop from Alien. Lance Henriksen or something? I hate to see it. Yeah.

I'm glad he's getting work. Yeah, I guess. And he's my best worst. He's blind sometimes. Is he? Yeah. Yeah. The movie got confused and thought he was deaf for a second. Visually impaired, I guess. Yeah. In some way. Yeah. She tells him her name and he goes, I don't recognize that name. And I'm like, me neither. Cause that's the first time in the goddamn movie that anyone has said it. Her name is Katie, by the way, in case you didn't know.

Jesus. He says, well, you know, I know the names of all of my parishioners and you're not one of them. She goes, you remember the names of hundreds of people. I'm like, everybody remembers the names of hundreds of people. Are you fucking talking about? I could name hundreds of celebrities and historical figures. But he goes, no, thousands. And she goes, ooh, thousands. Well, that's even more. Which again, I know it's supposed to just be an impressive line in a movie, but practically speaking that would make you a terrible priest, right? And be like, well, I can't really do the sermon today because I, I say thousands of names in my head. Well, right. Yeah. Cause yeah, he says, I pray for every one of my parishioners. And

she goes, wow, all thousands of them. He goes, well, even more than that, because I pray for the unborn ones too. Well, not just this. He puts it in the craziest possible. Those who have not yet breathed and those who are about to breathe their last. And I just want to point out that those who are about to breathe their last are still considered people. Yep, they're just people. That's just... No, no, no. You don't understand. I pray for old people too. I'm fucking in it to win it.

And then he does this weird quiz. He's like, tell me, are you Catholic? And she's like, we're not religious. And he's like, Jew? She's like, sorry, what? And He's like, no, no, go. Sit down. I have mysterious things to say. Who said Jew? Someone said Jew. Yeah.

And then she's like, well, let me tell you why I'm here. I actually have a house that is being haunted by a... And then the fucking receptionist cuts her off mid-sentence and goes, I'm here with donuts and coffee now. And we're like, wow, you've really shoehorned this character and certainly we'll see her or reference her again in any way, won't we? I also really laughed at the priest asks her, I'm pretty sure he asks her how she takes

her coffee and she says like with sugar and milk and he translates that to a cappuccino, which is not the same thing. No. It's like, can we get her a cappuccino, please? Get her a cappuccino, which is not the same thing. He's like, can we get her a cappuccino, please? Get her a cappuccino. You know, one of those fancy, she didn't say black, so I bet. We got that new Breville. It's like, oh, he spruced up her order for her.

She doesn't know what she wants. She's like, come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bring it, you can come. Fucking caramel macchiato. Best if the men make the decisions. So yeah, she says, well, you know, so we Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. a Casper like situation and she says dangerous and I'm like based on what it drew on the wall. She knows he's a priest. She wants to be. Well, it's in danger of you. It does kill pedophiles.

So, so the bishop's like, what aren't you telling me? And she goes, well, it's actually it's too early for the reveal. And he goes, this is act three. Are you sure? And she's like, well, it's actually, it's too early for the reveal. And he goes, this is act three, are you sure? And she's like, well, we just introduced you as a character as well as, fair. Oh, it's a Jewish ghost. Did I mention that? Is that helpful to you?

Yeah, that's very important. Thank you for sharing. I know you were mad about me being atheist, but a Jewish ghost, we're gonna ghost bust that, right? Yeah, thank you for being clear. So yeah, but Bishop, he knows a fucking, an abortion ghost when he hears about one, so he's going to disappear from the movie until she's willing to admit her

fucking crime, I guess. So, okay. So now mom's at the, at the house. She's, she's staring at pictures because otherwise she'd have to get the fucking work. I mean, look, I'm not somebody who normally would blame a person for their poverty, but they live in a $6 million home and neither of them ever do any work. So anyway, so she's talking to the ghost, I guess she's just saying the plot out loud

to the room. She's fucking she's trying to do like a one knock to knock system, but getting nothing. She's like, are you trapped? Do you do you like it here? Are you is it smaller than a house? Animal vegetable mineral? Well, and they're doing this because they need her to like, is it smaller than a house? Animal vegetable mineral. Well, and they're doing this because they need her to like, exposit a little bit further or whatever. But like, just make Mary turn into her friend and now Mary's over here having tea with

her or, or put this in with the priest thing. It's so fucking easy to fix this. Okay. So now, dad gets home from the airport and you're like, really? Cause nothing happened. There's never a reason for him to have left. And we're like, yep. But she's mad at him for leaving. You know, he's like, how's it going? She's like, well, I'm pregnant in a haunted fucking house is how it's going. Duh. Again, no, no mention of the daughter being assaulted and witnessing a death. Just your business partner tried to rape our daughter, but a ghost murdered him. But more importantly, you left me on child duty alone for a weekend. And I love this moment too, right?

Because she's like, so how did that trip that I said was going to be useless turn out? And he goes, it was useless. And she goes, huh. Weird. So you're going to kill it? Oh yeah. Right. Well, they started having the abortion question. And she goes, huh? Weird. So you're going to kill it? Oh yeah.

Right. Well, they started having the abortion question and I wanted so bad for her to be like, well, look, I was going to keep the baby, but then I realized I'd be bringing a baby into a haunted house and I can't do that. Right. So I should get an abortion. Okay. But it's like the best ghost.

This is a ghost that kills pedophiles. You have an awesome ghost. Yeah. He goes, Dad goes at this way, he goes, cause she's like, well, you know, this apparition is really starting to affect my thinking on this. He goes, you're going to let some apparition affect your judgment? What a weird take. Oh God.

Are you on your period? Every time you see a ghost, are you on your period? Every time you see a ghost during your period you get super sick. Is this part of being pregnant? And I'm like, not traditionally, no. You know pregnant ladies getting their minds changed by ghosts. Is that classic? That and eating pickles. Classic setup from Deaf Comedy Jam.

Always having their period while they're... And then he goes, well, can we even afford a baby? And she goes, fuck you. How dare you. But you should ask, why shouldn't... Okay, I'll see myself out., that's what you not what you what's important is whether the house ghost in your house wants you to have that baby Right, then you make talks about finances, right? So but she tells him I'll take care of it right which could mean anything actually, but then we

We watched dad wake up in the middle of the Milk I bet they were sitting around Oh my god We watched dad wake up in the middle of the night. For milk. I bet they were sitting around. He is too, isn't he? Oh my God, he is. He also had a rider that was like, Swigs of milk whenever I want. Right out of the carton. You have to let me.

Straight out of the carton, exactly. Oh yeah, this movie is just falling into its own asshole at this point. He gets up and then we get this like painfully predictable ghost behind the refrigerator door. Mm-hmm. But it gives him a hug. Well, right. This is clearly such a dangerous ghost.

Yes, right. Yeah. Terrifying. But the way the scene works is he closes the door, we see the ghost and then there's just a flash and the scene's over or he like, oh, like, you know, rubs his eyes and the ghost is gone, but it's not and he's just like, do you want some milk? Can I help you? Yeah. And then the ghost hugs him and says, daddy, and still nobody's figured this stupid fucking shit. I really wanted the ghost to be like, Hey, like, I don't want to be that guy. But like, I saved your daughter from a sexual assault and your wife has not.

Nobody has mentioned it. And I just feel great. I feel great. You have to be my dad now. I don't have to hug you. I was just doing a nice thing. I guess now that I like reflect on myself, I feel like now it feels like I was in it for the praise, but I just feel like someone should mention it.

I killed a man. He's in the house. I see him sometimes. I heard it was just a heart attack. Better get more of those good fats. Yeah. So, okay. So now mom is at the abortion clinic getting an ultrasound, right? And she's like, does it look ghostly or anything? Okay. She is supposed to be nine weeks along. This ultrasound is a video of my son playing on a swastika. A five year old. Yeah. Okay. An ultrasound looks like a ghost though. Do you think that has an effect on these people? Yeah, kind of kind of regardless. It could be. And so she says, well, hey, is there an ultrasound has a little baby in the background? Look in that window.

Yeah. So OK, so then she asked the abortion doctor, she's like, was there any risk at this point? She's like, no risk whatsoever from abortion, really. Pregnancy is whoa. She's a minefield, fucking minefield of risks, but no no, but she's an abortionist She's got that bloodlust going so she's like hey can um can we schedule you for next week? We're trying to get our baby murder quota

To the Girl Scouts She's like yes, you can and then we cut to the house and it's losing its shit. There's fucking doors are slamming and cupboards are rattling and dishes are breaking and why Cheetos are flying everywhere. And then Mary, the librarian calls. She's like, hey, you know, I found the Jewish gardeners graves. Turns out they didn't have a daughter. This is such a great librarian. I found the Jewish gardener's graves. Turns out they didn't have a daughter.

This is such a great librarian calling from the cemetery after having done detective work on the outside. Mary, you really didn't need to do all that. Yeah. Out of her way. Okay. But then I wanted her to ask her, okay, then who is Rebecca and why did you bring her up? Why did you say that? Well, she does ask that she says well, then who is Rebecca and Mary says well

She may never have existed Okay, I left stuff up when people come to the library. Oh, did I say that? I really didn't expect this lie has really gotten away from me. I'm standing here in a fucking cold ass cemetery. I'm so bored. Two states away. And then I'm just like, oh, that sounds like Mary.

And you just wouldn't shut up about it. And then there's one more little pop scare here. So she says, well, I guess Rebecca might not exist and then like a glass gets thrown in the kitchen where everything's fucked up mmm I think Rebecca was like mad about hearing that She might not exist You don't exist Alright throw a fucking glass fuck you

Okay but what's the dress upstairs if there's no Rebecca? The ghost dress? Great question. That's what I was confused about. This is a little girl dress for who? Right. Yeah. So, okay. So then we watch Lucy get out of bed because she heard it. She can do a little Ted-a-Ted with the ghost now. Yeah. And this is my favorite interaction with the ghost in the whole movie. Oh, yes. I know you think it would be murdering the pedophile, but this is literally how the interaction goes. I'm only exaggerating a smidgen podcast listener.

She goes, the ghost is chatting with the little girl and goes, so what's it like to be alive? And Lucy goes, eh. Yes. Take it or leave it. He's gonna mess. I! Take it or leave it. He's got a mask. I'd describe it as gaw, I think. Middle class is kind of dissolved and post 2016, it feels like social internet's really

ruined a core part of being human. I wouldn't reckon, what I'm saying is I wouldn't reckon. Apportion sounds great. Yeah, devoured by the demon Molak. So then, and we we see her like we cut away from her and she's laying in bed and the ghost is laying with her in the bed. But the ghost is taking up way

more than her fair share of the bed, kind of manspreaden with the arms there. And again, it's unintentionally fucking hilarious, right? Because then it just becomes this like, yeah, you know, the ghost in my house, you know, she does. She's not bad, but she takes up way more

than her fair share of the covers. It's more just annoying than scary. Yeah, it felt like a sleepover moment for like a good five seconds. I was like, okay, mansion apartment, shack house. Let's catch it up and see how they do it. So then, okay, so then we get a quick mom nightmare, right? Mom gets the covers ripped off of her by a ghost that gives her shit for aborting her

and then the ghost screams, MOLOCH. Which is fucking amazing. If you're a Bible nerd, weird ass atheist like I am, is fucking amazing. Now they will go on like from that point on in the movie to spend the rest of the movie basically explaining what that means but if you already knew it was the greatest goddamn laugh point ever. Yeah this is how Marvel fans feel when like Gorphin walks into the scene and they're like, Oh my god! No way!

You know in seven movies that's gonna pay off so hard and in our notes we were like, Sammy you don't even know he's this bull, he's got balls full of blood. It's all completely invented. It's a lie about the Phoenicians that's in only the Bible twice, it's so cool. But this mom's an atheist, so Moloch gets screamed at her and she'd be like, sorry, what?

Yeah, well she is, right? She's like, oh, that sounds like a fucking maybe a Bible word. I'll go ask Bishop the Bishop. Rebecca's like, oh, he's probably going to, do you have a Bishop or like a library person who knows like a whole bunch of useful stuff? Check it out. All right. Come back, I'll scream something else.

Stupid. So she goes to see Bishop Bishop and he, I guess, recognizes her smell now or whatever. And he goes, you were visited again. And she goes, yeah, you know, an abortion ghost said the word Moloch. Does that mean anything to you? And he goes, I can't say that word in this sacred place. And I'm like, it's in the Bible.

What do you do when you get to those parts? Do you just say M-word in your sermons? And then the M-word, be not unto the M-word. One of the practitioners is like, I'm sorry, what? No, M is in Mary. I said clown horn, you heard. And so he takes her to a less sacred place and he tells her about Moloch and he's like, you know, he was a God in the Bible that you sacrifice children to.

And I'm like, yeah, so was Yahweh. Yeah. Actually, as it turns out, he has way more babies sacrificed to him in that book than fucking Moloch ever does. So they're like, they sacrificed him by fire. And I'm like, Oh, right. Yeah. No, not stabbing them on the altar. Like a civilized person. Right. Yeah. Not the cool way and not the basis of your whole religion, which is actually super chill. We'd hate for there to be human sacrifice as a part of someone's beliefs.

Can you imagine, Sammy, the idea that a human sacrifice was essential to your life? Ugh, yucko. Also, I love that Christians can't help but lie about this part of the Bible, right? Because there's like four good sentences in the Bible, and one of them is, hey, don't sacrifice your babies like they do over in the Phoenicia.

Don't do that. That's the sentence, but they're always like, in this scene he's like, the pagans loved it. Good Tuesday, kill a baby. Bad Tuesday, kill a baby. They just fucking love killing babies. Yes. Right.

And she goes, why children? And I wanted him to go like, well, you know, they fight back less. Smaller. But he goes, no, Moluk mocks God by wanting what's his. And I'm like, you just said Moloch doesn't exist, right? Like are you admitting that there is another God now? Which is the other funny thing about Moloch, right? Because the whole Moloch thing doesn't make sense if there isn't another rival God other

than Yahweh, right? Because that's what it is. It's a vestige to a time when there were other gods that the Bible was recognizing, right? And they were trying to...and all the things about Moloch being a child sacrifice God, that's all the later inventions trying to force all the child sacrifice stuff that happened in Yahweh's name onto some other God by later biblical writers as well, right? So it just makes it even fucking funnier. Right. Trying to retcon dead babies. Yes. Yeah, they are.

So the bishop ultimately, he's like, so hey, have you, have you figured out that we're talking about abortion yet? Or are you still, you're still okay. All right. All right. Well, I guess we're going to reveal that later. Now. What else could he possibly be talking about? He's like, does that sound relevant to you at all? And she's like, no, I never met a cow Godhead that has a bowl full of blood. And he's like, well, maybe related kind of she's like, no, nothing like it. So consider that in her mind, he's just telling her about Jews, right? Because she still thinks that it's a Jewish family's daughter. So the to the obvious implication is that they sacrifice their daughter to Moloch. And she's the ghost of that daughter is haunting the house.

Wolf, I just made it Nazi. Sorry. I mean, that's how it how it like that's I didn't write it. Sammy wrote the fucking. That's true. Yes, you're the one who wrote it. Yeah, I got to own up. I got to. My bad. So then we cut to Lucy. She's chilling on the.

So then we got to Lucy. She's chilling on the swing, chatting with the ghost. The ghost is like, hey, I have to leave the movie in another couple of scenes. She's like, why is that? And she goes, Moloch. So we see mom, she's upstairs staring at that creepy Victorian pram again. She reaches into it, but a jump scare grabs her and she wakes up from that nightmare by sitting straight up.

Yeah, she does. I can't find myself. I feel like this is the closest to an actual scary moment because something actually happens. Like, usually there's a lot of the like leading up and is there gonna be a scary thing here? This is I think the only time where there is. The only moment of classic horror we get is the grabbing out of the baby prep.

Yeah. Which to be honest, it's like crazy effective because this movie has just lulled you to sleep where, you know, like the 111th time it's like, but is there something creepy in here? You're like, no, there's obviously not. And it's like, but is there something creepy in here? You're like, no, there's obviously not. And it's like, but there is this time. There is though. We had one, but there's not the one scary moment in the movie.

And then they're like, nah, it's just a nightmare. Everybody comes down in our scary movie. So yeah. So then we get all these like twisty haunted house shots. And I wrote my notes. What if she got so stressed by the ghost that she miscarried? Right. The ghost has really not thought out the plan here. Right. Because I feel like there is an argument to be made that, yeah, the mom would be like,

well, I can't have a baby. My house is haunted. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Like, this is really scary. And don't want to bring a baby into the world where there's ghosts. Yeah. There's definitely a point of diminishing returns. Yeah. Yep. So, and then, so then Bishop, so the house is going nuts, right? It's like creaking and moaning and freaking out and the cameras spinning sideways.

It rotates a little bit? Yeah, it's a little bit of rotation. On its foundation. Clearly. But then Bishop Bishop shows up and the abortion goes knows better than to fuck with the priest so it calms down. Right. So he knocks on the door.

And then there's this weird moment where he has to be invited in like a vampire. Okay, I noticed that I watched Sinners this year and I was like, you're not fooling me. Absolutely not. This whole movie became a sinner's spinoff the second that happened for me. Also when he arrives at the door and the dad sees him for the first time, the mom is like, this is the priest I was telling you about. She's like, yeah, no shit. Oh, I thought this was a different blind Catholic freeze showing up in her house. And they go, are you going to bless the house?

And he goes, nope. And then just wanders off into their house and they do not follow him. Nope. Just leave him to it. He goes, it's too late for a blessing. He brings out all his exorcism stuff. And this is where he completely forgets his character is supposed to be blind because he's just like walking upstairs and taking the turns at the landings.

He's got no fucking stick. He's got nothing. But when he wanders into the eighth grade girl's room and just flicks a little water in her. That's so funny. I laughed for a while. So he comes in, he's like, I exercise your house and nobody thinks we should tell Lucy. She's just upstairs on her headphones, doesn't know nothing. Yeah.

Priest walks into her room and she's like, hey, just before you try anything, because I see the collar, I do have a protector ghost. Yeah, right. She takes out my pedophiles for me. You probably know my Uncle Jack. Yeah. And so he flicks the holy water on Lucy. She doesn't say a word.

Her entire reaction is just like, huffy glare and like a little bit of a full. Like teenage eye roll. Back to her phone. Fucking priest. And then he goes into their bedroom, into mom and dad's bedroom, and he flicks water on their bed,

or at least that's why that priest told them there was a wet spot on their bed later, I guess. But then he feels the real evil and that's coming from the attic. Right? So the music ominously escorts him to this again, not at all creepy attic. He's doing his Latin chanting and whatnot. And then the abortion goes knocks him the fuck out with an uppercut. Okay, I challenge you to say or write anything funnier that could have happened in that moment than an invisible dragon punch of this. Yes, he gets hollyukin' in by the fucking molly! Short of him being pants and like Biel's about being behind him and doing the push into the

poor move, I can't think of a funnier, less scary thing for there to happen in this moment. Oh, he goes up off his feet from it like the end of Friday. It was fucking amazing. And then he just, and again, like this is based on a true story. I think what happened, right, is that they invited this real blind priest and he tripped and he fell. He came up down and he's like, Oh, this bloody lip Satan punched me in the face. Like, I've got to fight with the demon.

I've got to go now. OK, come back with a buddy who sees. I don't know. You got a priest to see back there. We have a dog. I don't know where the fuck he is. Here are the notes that I have in order and during while he's getting in a fistfight and losing with Malik and a right hook from Malik. Never in the history of WrestleMania have I seen anything like it. Why is it the ref stepping in with the steel pram?

Okay. There is a moment. There is a moment where he's lying on the ground and he's asking for Jesus's help where he's like, Lord of Lords. And I was like, I'm cause Sammy's a joke that I have made multiple times on our radio program is Jesus is going to appear to the priest and tell him to get up you son of a bitch because Mickey loves you. And I was afraid to write it in my notes cause I thought it might actually happen.

That was the vibe. The chances that Yahweh is just like, come on, work the body. No, look, I wrote in my notes, abortion's ghost steps in to give him the get up you son of a bitch speech. Damn it. Eli beat me to that joke. And then damn it, the movie happens. She whispers the reveal into his ear or something, I guess, because this idiot fucking movie doesn't think we figured it out yet. Or either that or Sammy was going for a Lost in Translation type of thing here. Hmm. Interesting.

Yeah, let's go with that. So then he goes limping downstairs. They're like, what happened? He's like, what happened? He's like, I got my ass kicked by a demon, but I won. I beat it. Ultimately. Okay.

I know this wasn't what they were going for, but absolutely the read of this scene is someone who got the shit kicked out of them, pretending they're fine and not like, yeah, just like Steven Seagal after getting choked out, his pants and pants and he's like, I got him. I got him I'm I'm a both a fat guy and an old guy at this point in my life So when I fall down I am hurt forever and I do this when I fall down I'm like no, I'm good. I'm good. And then I like walk half a block and curl into a ball and weep They want he wanders off into the front line and I wanted to just collapse He goes and then he's got a hint around to him about the don't get an abortion thing, right?

She's like, is there anything we could do to keep that ghost and demon from coming back and he's like Don't give it what it wants and she's like, what does that mean? He goes protect all the life in your home and he she goes, you mean Lucy goes all the life. And she says, you mean Lucy? And she goes, you fucking idiot. Don't care about Lucy. You mean eat healthier? No, no.

Stop being an atheist. You mean the dog? You mean stricter gun control in the state? We should. Vote for a stronger social safety. God damn it. So mom goes up to the attic and then we hear a long little girl narration about a spider that got painted over on a fucking mailbox.

Yeah, I don't know what I was doing here. From the author of you know how you can't see where the wind is going comes, aborting your fetus is a little like a spider that got paint on it. I guess. Yeah. At one point she turns to the ghost, right? Because the ghost is in there with her. She goes, why are you here?

And she says, the ghost goes, you don't know? Because the twist in this movie is so fucking obvious. It's obvious. What else could it be? Yeah. And mom goes, well, you know, you're kind of ruin on our lives. It's like having a baby that you can't afford to you.

It's just, you know. And then she says, the ghost says, I'm here to protect your daughters. And mom goes, daughters. And then she realizes it. I'm here to protect your daughters. And mom goes daughters. And then she realizes. What do you mean? Yeah, right, right. And look, she still doesn't fucking get it

in this stupid ass movie. And then abortion goes vanishes like Batman. And then this movie still thinks it's gonna trick us with this, right? She wakes up in a medical facility, but is it a hospital or an abortion clinic right who know and it's so funny because right the whole thing is like have a baby or you're feeding malik have a baby or you're feeding malik and he's like okay you have to get out now and

she's like oh um people who just did what i did used to be treated better and he's like yeah well yeah should have thought that before you did this thing anyways Bye, and he goes she goes I'm at peace with my decision Which is an insane thing to say if you just had a child I would if if when I walked in and saw my wife holding my son if she had said I'm at peace with my decision I would have taken him away I would have been like cool cool cool cool cool. I'm just gonna hold him for a sec would have taken him away. I would have been like, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. I'm just going to hold him for a sec. What decision are you at peace at?

I'm going to ask her out in the hall just real quick. And then we cut to her sitting in a chair at home, smiling at the dawn. And then the camera pans down and yes, there's a baby there. It's a fucking two year old. It's two years old. So, yeah. And they've named her Rebecca after the abortion ghost. After the Jews. Which is gonna, yeah, it's gonna be really weird when she grows up later and says, mom, why'd you name me Rebecca?

Oh, well we were gonna, funny, funny story, we were gonna abort you. So your dad, he says, we can have another drink. We'll take an Uber home. Becca means to tie firmly. And that had something to do with that evening we did. And so then it's a dad comes in and he takes the baby because this stupid movie does not know when to end. Mom says, and I quote, well, you know, if you believe the old Italian proverb, every baby comes with a loaf of bread under their arm.

What? And also really got me. Why? Why would you introduce that saying to the movie now? Loaf of bread. Is there anything else under there like a Bitcoin wallet or a fucking job offer? I'm right. Yeah, you guys killed Jack and he was my only connection.

And then we get this moment where Lucy is jealous of the baby for doing better on social media than she is. More numbers. Yeah, I get it. More likes. Lucy starts trolling the babies, sending it death threats. And then we get the final eight seconds, which I love so goddamn much, right? Because she goes to hand back the baby and then we hear Lucy say, oh my gosh, it's her.

But no one's speaking. That is an 80 yard line because the fucking movie was over and the idiots that saw the test screening didn't figure out that the baby was supposed to be the abortion ghost. Right. So they had to add, oh my gosh, it's her. And then they had to add Eli's best worst because they're like, well, ghosts don't work in reverse. And they're like, actually the Oxford English Dictionary defines a wraith as a ghost that

goes forwards and backwards in time, like a tacky on a mission. They have time stop as a natural casting ability, and they cast it at fourth level. Okay, to be clear though, if a baby gets born, you're murdering a race, right? Oh, shit. Wow, that changes the calculus. And you're murdering a raceith that kills pedophiles. Right, yeah, exactly.

I feel like that's a net negative for society. It's just math. Right, one that already has wants and needs. Yeah. Oh, wow. So get on those abortions, folks. Let's make sure that we make more abortion ghosts. Pro-wraith.

Yes, absolutely. Wraith lives matter. Well, Sammy, thank you so much for suffering alongside us this week. It has been an absolute blast to have you aboard. Oh, the pleasure has been all mine. I, you know, do a movie podcast as well. Most of the movies we watch are good. Oh, okay. That sounds delightful. All right. So if our audience wanted to hear what it sounds like when you watch a good movie, where should they go? So the podcast is called Too Scary Didn't Watch.

It's available wherever you get your podcasts or you can follow us on Instagram at TSDW podcast. And there's a lot of really good horror movies coming out this summer. So we do a summer series called Hell Chella. Oh, nice. Where we cover all the new releases there's gonna be 28 years later Shell is awesome. That's so much better than like I don't know spooktacular Why would you do this is our this our second year doing it so this one's called to held to Chella TST dubs?

Yep. So come check us out. But I- Eli's in the crying room. That's a, he'll be gone for the rest. I am in the crying room, it's true. But I really, really loved watching this bad movie with and talking about it with you guys.

So. Awesome. Well, we had a blast as well. Thank you for having me. And of course check the show notes for links to Sammy's show as well. And while that's going to do it for our review of Wraith, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet

because we still need to reel ourselves back into this trap again next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, Noah, we're going to be visiting an old favorite, our good friends at Fire By Night, episode six, how to face the future. Well, given what a great job he did facing the future. I can't wait to see what advice he's got. Christian SNL, right?

Yes, finally. It's been too long since we did one of those. All right. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 509 to a commercial close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful and thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. Yes, matriarchs over but that doesn't mean you can't still give us money. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if

you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows the scaling of the citation needed DND minus and the scavenger hunt available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email god awful movies at gmail.com Tim Robertson takes care of our social media our theme song is written and performed by Riley Slotnik, who for Jeff's on Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer,

Morgan Clark, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen right. Neelay Bosnik, I'm an illusionist, promised to work harder on the chunk. Nice week until then. We'll leave you with the American graffiti clothes. Breakfast club clothes. Rebecca got distracted by abortions and let way too many pedophiles fly under the radar. You gotta focus up.

The near-abortion this was based on probably went on to find this a very uncomfortable watch. The neglected dog wandered into the neighbor's house and never came back. Now he receives daily belly rubs and endless treats. Oh, I like yours. You belly rubs. Rebecca would go on Oh, I like yours. He belly rubs. Rebecca would go on to die in a school shooting. Oh, no.

Not sure where Malak was on that one. Oh, beautiful ending note. This content is canned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4255 or on their website at creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2025, all rights reserved.