God Awful Movies - 510: Fire by Nite Episode 6 - Facing the Future

Episode Date: June 10, 2025

This week, new guest masochists Janice Lagata and Melanie Kleimola from the Bad Words podcast learn about the comedy stylings of "Fire by Nite," the bowl-cut of comedy stylings. --- Hear Janice and Melanie review Christian books on Bad Words. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/ Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

It's going to be all like Noah times up in this motherfucker before Jesus gets here. Right? Noah, how do you feel about that? Like, right? Yeah, no, what times are really blame? I mean, I would be upset if somebody referred to now, right? And everything that Trump is doing and like just these wild times as like the days of Janice. Wait, that's a great point. Yeah. It's like that that Nene Lings me like, wait, why am

I in this? God awful movie. Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie!

Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie!

Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Keith, welcome back. Christian comedy? No, no, not at all. Get excited. Don't get excited. No, don't please. And unfortunately, Eli is unable to join us this week, but we are excited to welcome in two brand new guest masochists today. Janice Legata is the former and always

future host of God Has Not Given and the creator and co-host of Bad Words, where she flocks together with her fellow bad bird of a feather, Melanie Climola, to give bad evangelical books the read they deserve. Janice, Melanie, welcome to the show. Hello, hello. Thank you for having us. Yes, thank you for having us. Okay. So we just cracked into Ross Douthat's believe why everybody should be religious or whatever the fuck the title of that is. What are you all reading over on your show? Redeeming love.

By the uncomfortable Francine. Unmatched. Unmatched. Fuck the title of that is what are y'all reading over on your show? redeeming love by the uncomfortable Francine Rivers, it's a Christian romance novel set in the gold rush era As you all know well, because you you watched the movie. Oh, yes And you loved it. Oh, did we? If I remember correctly. Oh, okay. All right. I think I might remember this one. Yeah. I think it was a little higher budget than what we're used to. Because we're used to, speaking of which, the kind of shit we watch. Hey, Heath, tell us, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Fire by Night, episode six,

How to Face the Future. It's the story of Christian people trying to do sketch comedy, failing miserably five times in a row, and then making another episode. We're doing it again. It's Christian SNL. It's real bad. bad oh and we've

done what we've done five of them now we're following along well me and Heath have anyway so tell us Melanie how bad was this video I know nothing about how to face the future number one and it was honestly that's that's a great point yeah we never really Doesn't really fucking matter Do we face up is the future? Direction is that yeah, I am no I'm no better. I am no more ready for the future in fact, I could have used that time to

Really do anything paint my nails and and I would be more prepared for the future than I am now Because you'd be facing it with painted nails exactly. Oh they say get right or get left So maybe it's right to the right you face the right, okay? All right interesting. You're left behind otherwise left Humphons all right, so and Janice as an ex evangelical. I'm curious how Alright, so and Janice as an ex evangelical. I'm curious how triggering was this video on a scale from one to six six six It was smart exceedingly abundantly above all that you can ask or think Okay. All right. Now when you were religious, did you watch it like this where you subjected to this kind of stuff?

You know the name and like the graphics were vaguely familiar, but this is the precursor to what I knew better, which was Ron Luce and acquire the fire. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, you're familiar with Ron Luce, our top 10 guy. Yes. Yeah. Okay. I don't, I didn't remember like what he looked like, but that name and again, Are you familiar with Ron Luce, our top 10 guy? Yes. Yeah. Okay.

I didn't remember what he looked like, but that name and again, Acquire the Fire. And so I don't know if I'm back filling details and I'm like, oh yeah, Fire by Night. Or if it was still running when Acquire the Fire was going and maybe it was in some of the marketing material. I don't know. So it was vaguely familiar, but I don't know if that's just because all the trauma is... Yeah, yeah, because it all kind of bleeds together at a certain point. So, and we should

probably explain to new audience members and to Janice and Melanie, you know, to explain some of the jokes that we're going to be making today. How Blaine Bartel faced the future after this show wrapped up his struggle with porn addiction led him to start a career in the anti-masturbation workshop field which he's still working into this day as I understand it. That's correct. It was called chopping wood. Yes. That cannot be real. That cannot be real. It's so real. It's, you can buy the course. I came really close to buying the course. I get really, really close. I refuse to believe this. The anti-masturbation course? It's called something else now, but it was called chopping wood for a while. No. You're making this up. I wish that I was. I so wish. I went to his website, the mission statement, to help men, ministers, and marriages encounter resurrection out of sexual brokenness. For real. To get them through the refractory period,

or I don't understand. So. Having an anti-masturbation ministry and calling it chopping wood is funnier than anything. Right? It's the one time he was funny in his entire fucking career. Yes, exactly. Yeah.

That's crazy. That's wild. All right. Is there anything that you guys would like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? This whole thing was the best, worst at aging poorly and or perfectly. Like I could not tell. Yeah.

I don't know if there was wine, it was milk. It might have circled back around to this holds up. It like actually might have because it's that ridiculous Yeah, well what I love so much about it is of course it's fucking 40 years old and they're like any day now here comes Jesus You know Every time they say that it's so fucking hilarious like yeah, these pants will still be in style when Jesus Listen our generation or the next. I still wear my Zcavritches and I think that's okay and actually awesome if you think about

it. I have more pleats than anybody. I'm winning. And we can't see you guys, but I know, I know you have those haircuts. Oh yeah. Well, back when he had hair, he did. Yeah, I could if I want. OK, so so honestly, Janice, you don't know this, but I have the most 1980s

haircut of any person alive in the 2020s. So like it's just it's just south of power mullet. So I thought it was a best, best, worst Miami Vice wannabe vibe. Yeah. I haven't seen anything so Miami vice looking in a very long time. And I suppose back then everybody looked like that. But right now, no, this is pretty great. Well, so Melanie, and in some of the episodes, not the one that you watched, but in some

of them, they actually do a sketch called Muskoie vice, which is their Miami vice ripoff. So it gets even more Miami vice full than what you saw. Oh, that was Carl's dream. Right. He tried to do an actual city and they were like, this is too much vice. We can't do this. We can't. This is we got to ease it down to miscogie. Miscogie. Oh, I hate it. So okay, so I was going to go with, and this is sort of an inside bit from, from our show. So like when we do sketches and we have to establish that somebody is who they are and

that they're doing what they're doing. We'll just write Lou Lou Lou doing X stuff, X stuff is, so I was going to go with best words Lou Lou Lou. So in there's a black and white sketch and I don't want to spoil this incredible and X stuff, X stuff is my... So I was going to go with best worst Lu Lu Lu. So there's a black and white sketch and I don't want to spoil this incredible and traumatizing sketch before we get to it. But at the beginning of it, the mom in that does a Lu Lu Lu that was just so nourishing that I didn't need to eat that day. It's awesome.

Lu Lu Lu doing black and white stuff. It's going to be Christian. It's my favorite stuff. You'll get it in a second. Lou Lou Lou. You didn't need to eat or the dog, apparently. Yeah, he said plenty of hand cream. I'm sorry, we'll get to it.

That'll make sense eventually. Okay, I was going to go with best worst, just the general thing that's happening. Best worst sketch comedy show that doesn't know what sketch or joke or humor means as a concept. Right? And you watch them just try so hard to explore it. It's like, you know when a five year old tells you a joke and they don't know what joke really

means yet, but they maybe have latched onto like one or two little components. Like the cadence of it. They'll say it in the order of a joke for a little bit or they'll like make, you know, one noise then that's funny noise, right? They do that for the whole thing. It's all amazing sketches that don't know what sketches are with no punch lines with them just going, no, because what makes this funny? Yeah, it's incredible. Who are you making fun of? Yeah, right. I think it's us again. All right. Well, I've waited too long to revisit Blaine, so we're going to keep the break brief.

But when we come back, we'll dive into fire by night episode six, how to face the future. Hey Noah. Sorry I'm late for the record. Yeah, no problem. Cars engine catch on fire again? Again. Yeah. It's good that you have that dash mounted fire extinguisher now though.

Yeah. It really takes the stress out of driving a car that does in fact regularly catch on fire. Does it take the stress out of you? Most of the stress, yeah. You know what else would take even more of the stress? I would be buying a new car. Sure, yeah, but that's just trading one stress for another.

Not with CarGurus. What's CarGurus? CarGurus is a website dedicated to helping you find a great deal and a hassle-free experience on your next car purchase. They'll connect you with a trusted dealership when you're ready and ensure a transparent buying process. No haggling? No being talked down to something I don't want?

Nope. And with over 4 million listings, CarGurus has more listings than any other major online automotive marketplace in the US, so you can find the best deal. It's no wonder similar web-estimated traffic data shows that CarGurus is the number one most visited car shopping site. All right Noah, I'm in. Where do I find this cargurus.com? Buy or sell your next car today with CarGurus at cargurus.com. Go to cargurus.com to make sure that your big deal is the best deal. That's C-A-R-G-U-R-U-S dot com. CarGurus.com. Awesome. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go recharge a few fire extinguishers.

What if your engine catches on fire along the way? OK, that's why I have the windshield wiper jets reversed. Oh, good call. Safe. Hey, come in, have a seat. I hope traffic wasn't too bad. It was fine. So, I suppose we should start with introductions. I'm Leonard Schmarts and Farver III Esquire,

and the 46 men behind me are my associates. We represent NBC in this action. Yeah, I'm Kate. I'm the attorney for Mr. Bartel and his interests. It's good to meet you, and you, Mr. Bartel. Likewise, likewise. I'd like to shake your hand, but my palms have to be encased in wax 16 hours a day. Why? Don't answer that question.

Yep, wasn't gonna, wasn't gonna. Nice try. Okay, so as we explained in our letter, we find your show a pretty clear violation of our intellectual property. I realize that you are spelling night N-I-T-E, but calling it Saturday N-I-T-E live is still going to create brand confusion. What if we change it to Saturday N-I-T-E life? Still a no go. No. Shmatterday N-I-T-E life?

No, I don't think rhymes are going to get us there. And beyond that, you've been collecting revenues under this disputed name already, so I feel like you owe my client pretty significant compensation. Hey, nothing about the revenues we've collected is significant, okay? Blaine, let me do the talking. Sorry, sorry. You go. Look, how about this? And this is my final offer here. We call the show

Fire by night and to ensure there's no brand confusion. We never do anything funny Hmm. Well, that's tempting. Yeah, but what about the compensation? Sorry, can I use your phone for a second? I got to do a number one only my mom knows the combination to my chastity belt. Just oh need a minute Yeah, you know what? There's one out there in the waiting room You know what he can keep the money And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna open up with our classic And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna open up with our classic Shmaterday Shmaid Shmaiv intro that we referenced in the in the sketch there. Yeah they do like a montage of what you know Christian people thought was sweet

1980s New York City stuff. Yeah. Right. But they're in like Tulsa. They are. So they're doing the best they can. Tulsa Night Live. Yeah. It's the fonts, baby. Like that's, that's. Well, right. That's how you know this is, this is cutting edge. You're about to see something. Yeah. Black and white photos, even though it's color TV.

Fonts are Riz. Everybody knows that. And of course we've watched six fucking episodes of this show. Now this is our sixth episode. So when I saw that Degarmo and Key were their musical guests again This is the third time in six episodes that they have settled for deGarmo and fucking Key as their Musical just get them as your house band GE Smith deGarmo and Key whatever right yeah No, but surely they were like building it up right so first it was the karma and then it was key and then

Well, that's the problem is they blew their load too goddamn early, yeah That's often often blades Yeah, Blaine's got a whole series of videos about how to deal with that for sure yeah, yeah, right So then okay, so then we get this, then Blaine pops out the door and he starts doing his monologue too early. Like he's afraid we're going to leave if he doesn't start talking until he gets to the mic. Right. He was right. I was like, this guy.

Yeah, right. That door is open and nobody's saying anything. I'm clicking out of this. Escape while you can. It's so sad how excited he is about DeGarmo and Key, who we know has been there like half of their episodes and he's like, DeGarmo and Key are here. They fucking slap. And they're going to talk about the second coming of our Lord and Savior.

This is serious. Yeah. So like, that's actually going to happen. The musical guest is going to talk, not in sketches, just talk about the Bible. Do they talk every time? Yeah, they do. They do. Well, so, okay.

So what it is is that they recorded one goddamn interview with DeGarmo and Key that was like 45 minutes long. And they're like, whenever they can't get a guest, they'll put like four minutes or more of this DeGarmo and Key interview into the show. It's fucking hilarious. And also we have to talk about the backdrop here, right? they'll put like four minutes or more of this to Garmo and Key interview into the show. It's fucking hilarious. And also we have to talk about the backdrop here, right? Because so Blaine is standing there

in front of a brick wall, because that looks like comedy in the eighties, but also leaning against the brick wall, he's got a tire, a pallet, a rusty oil drum that looks like homeless people in a Batman movie should have a fire that they're huddled around over it and shit and just like a concrete floor with like a wharf built into it for him to walk out on.

What are they going for here? It's Tulsa, you know, with wharf and fire barrels. I don't know. Aesthetically, I was so annoyed by that drum, because why would you not just move it over a little bit so that it looks like the fire of the fire by night is coming out of it? And it's called fire by night, yes!

Blaine is listening right now and he's like, fuck, I told you that, you should put it back. Well, okay, so but what clearly happened is the whole idea was that there was supposed to be a fire in the fucking fire barrel. And then they got in there and they're like, no, our insurance isn't going to cut. You can't start fires in here, man. And they're like, God damn it. We'll leave it, I guess now. Just be a big blank space there otherwise. Because how will people know this is gritty street drama? Right. Well, we don't have this.

Right. But that's exactly it though, right. The reality of it is that that looked gritty and street to him. Right. So now it just feels like we ran into him in the street. Like when we were hanging out being cool youths or whatever. As you did back then. Yeah. Right. Well, yeah. You get your friends. We're meeting in the alley, right? Is it your turn? Right. Me by the trash barrel. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha the tracking issues that we have later in this video on YouTube. OK, so but their subject today is they're going to talk about how to prepare for the future, that being, of course, the future of scorpion horse

locusts and the rapture. Right. Right. Clearly, this is the first of many times that this 1987 video will say, yeah, Jesus is going to be back any minute now. Any minute, Any minute. Very likely before you even get to see this video. Yeah, right. Right. I don't even know why you're fucking editing it. Yeah. I love that they hedge it at one point in the episode. Blaine's like, okay, but like it could be any time, assholes.

I don't mean like necessarily right now. Is it now? I'm not saying definitely now. No, it could be whenever could be whenever So and then he tells us about He tells us about he's got to throw in some prophecy, right? So he talks about Matthew 24 37 Which says and I'm paraphrasing here, but hey, you know what? Bible's translation of a translation. There's no such thing as a paraphrase. This is just an alternate translation, which is Matthew 24 37. It's going to be all like Noah times up in this motherfucker before Jesus gets here. Right?

Noah, how do you feel about that? Right? Yeah. Noah times are really Blaine? That's my work. I mean, I would be upset if somebody referred to now, right? And everything that Trump is doing and like just these wild times as like the days of Janice. That's a great point. Yeah.

It's like that, that Nene links me like, wait, why am I in this? Well, it famously Noah's like, I'm the only one who wasn't like these times. If you named it after anyone else that was alive, it would have been more accurate. Damn. Right, right. But it's like, Noah, you're responsible for this. These were your days, man. Explain.

Yeah, apparently. I like the image of Degarmo and Key in a cage on a boat full of like two by twos So he finishes his breathless monologue and then we get our first sketch Which is a it's supposed to be like a literary review show called. So you think you can write a book Yeah, it's actually an accidental sketch called so you think you can write a book. Yeah, it's actually an accidental sketch called So You Think You Can Write a Sketch. So you think you can write a book. Right, right. But the point of this sketch I shit you not is to lampoon those pretentious assholes that read books. Right? One of them is playing the pretentious Ivy League elitist host. And he starts off going, last week we reviewed Charlotte's Web and Treasure

Island because well, because no one in our writers room could come up with a book they didn't read and it's fucking great. And, you know, Treasure Island was that like picture every other page version of Treasure Island. Right. They read all of Robert Louis Stevenson's classic. No. I was so confused because I was like, it was just really hard to, again, to know whether these things are aging poorly or perfectly because I'm coming to it in my 2025 mind and

knowing, okay, if he's making fun of Charlotte's Web, I guess the joke is going to be that people think these books are good, but actually the book they're going to be talking about is the good thing. But I'm like, oh no, the joke is that all these books are good because I don't think evangelicals today would like Charlotte's Web, right? Right, so D-E-R, yeah. And it was so confusing because he just was laughing the whole time. He was laughing hysterically at just the mention of a book. So it was as if just the concept of reading was just so unfathomably hilarious to him. Yes.

And the guy who reads and would actually have the audacity to like, I know that he would have the audacity to like a book was the funniest thing that's ever happened because there was nothing else even remotely funny happening. No. So. No, that was the whole bit. Janice, you said the joke is, and you were trying to figure it out. That's your mistake the joke You can't find out the joke is there isn't no there isn't an answer to that. No

Well, so okay So and I think where this comes from is the fact that every book that Christians like when they tell their friends Oh, you should read this book their friends laugh at them Right because they're always like oh you should read the case for Christ or whatever crap You guys are reading right like Like the fucking Christian romance novels. And then we laugh at them and they're like, Oh, those liberal elite is always laughing at all the books. Right. Right. Because the liberal elite is famously hate books. But then, okay. But then they bring on honest to God, Hal Lindsay, who, you know, I'm sure you guys know he's the one who wrote the late great planet Earth or how there will

definitely never be a the year 2025. Right? He goes, it's a best seller. And he goes under his breath in the religious market. So did you mumble the word asterisk just now? But of course, this was a bestseller. This book was fucking huge back in the eighties, right? Like honestly, you could say that this book kicked off the rapture lunacy that is still like that, you know, that informs Republican politics to this day. So hugely influential book. But what they've done, and I love this, I almost

want to do a Christian sketch here just so that we can do this to modern Christian authors, is they brought Hal Lindsey on and they're doing a sketch where the liberal elitist is making fun of how stupid his book is. And Hal Lindsey is just sitting there taking it right up the ass. They even make fun of his stupid suit. His suit. And then this is where the confusion and also some emotional trauma and work for my therapist was instigated because I was like, oh, like, again, this is, this is just before my generation of youth groups and this kind of nonsense.

And so it's like when you're young, you don't realize the toxicity that you're growing up in is not normal, is not, is not toxic. And so like, I knew the name, Hal Lindsey. I knew Lake, Great Planet Earth. I was like, Oh, I think I thought that was a real book. Like, I don't know that I had the context where that was a Christian thing. And so I was even more confused. Like it was even harder to grasp the joke. Cause I was like, wait, was this a book for, for us? Is this a book we were supposed to like? Or was this a real book? I don't know.

Yeah. What's the joke? Oh, right, not supposed to ask that. Yep, no, yeah, can't ask that. Yeah. So, but of course the joke here, the punchline to this whole bit is that as the liberal elitist, atheist, secularist, douchebag

is making jokes about how silly rapture fear is. The rapture happens. And there's like a kind of a... And how Lindsay disappears. Yeah. And he doesn't even leave the polyester suit behind. You're supposed to leave the clothes behind. Everybody knows that.

Read a fucking Christian movie one time. Everybody knows that. Watch a book. Yeah, exactly. This is rapture for dummies. Come on, guys. Yeah. And then the idiot coastal elite atheist whatever sees the evidence of the rapture and doesn't change his thinking. And I was like, oh, good one. Yeah. The atheists see evidence and don't change their thinking. That's stupid of us to do. Got us. But like the problem is the rapture didn't actually happen and it hasn't actually happened.

And so again, we've been setting this up and Charlotte's Web is the first example. And then you believe in that so you should be able to, but I'm like, but this, I also have never seen a spider and a pig become best friends. Should I believe in that too? But this, I also have never seen a spider and a pig become best friends. Should I believe in that too? That's a great question. Yeah, right. By the standards you're using.

It's a lot more realistic than your book. Yeah, right. Because I've seen spiders and pigs. Those are real things. Thomas, at least, is real. Yeah, and I've never seen anyone raptured. So yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly Also, it's more moral because Charlotte's web never endorses slavery for example. Yeah, there is that yes small detail When they do the rapture lightning bolt in the sketch. Do you think a few Christians on set were like, holy shit?

Oh, no, we we were doing the sketch Okay, well, I mean after after he disappears right and all the crew is looking for him I'm like they're literally looking behind this bookshelf yes and then he goes and checks the other side of behind the bookshelf yes he's a large... Do you think the guy threw a smoke bomb and ran behind the bookshelf? But they're still killing themselves laughing. Yeah. So... I don't know.

So, yeah, right, right. Exactly. Yeah. No idea what they're supposed to have thought. I guess they thought it was a magic trick or... Yeah. On their set. You know, like, yeah, he put a trap door on your set.

Okay. What a funny guy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, right. No, you know, like, yeah, he put a trap door on your set. Okay. What a funny guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. No, you could tell by the look at his face. That man has a sense of humor.

But then, okay, so that sketch ends and we get the first of our fake ads. We've got the like, you know, are you afraid this might happen to you? And the ad is for a thing that you can add to your car that should the rapture happen while you're driving, will pull it safely to the side of the road. Yeah. So if you believe in the rapture, you should get this, right? Yes. So it's like a useful product in their fake joke ad for their people who believe the things they believe.

Several times in this movie, in this video, you have to say to yourself, okay, if you're not making fun of yourself, I don't get the joke. Because what this sketch is, if our thing was real, this is the kind of dumb shit you'd need. Yeah. So they also say at one point, you want to go to heaven without sending other people If our thing was real, this is the kind of dumb shit you'd need. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So they also say at one point, you want to go to heaven without sending other people to hell. So that's why you want the Acme brand Rapture parking device or whatever.

It literally Acme brand, yeah. Okay. But like the people who don't get Raptured, they're going to hell no matter what. Right? Right. So it's just a question of whether they like live through the scary tribulation period the tribulation yeah right Christian people want heathens to live through that tribulation or just die right away right right I don't know the answer but not be easy then well I mean

it said that right after it said your car flying uncontrollably into innocent people. Innocent people. So I'm like, what? Yeah. So Acme cares more about innocent people than your God does? And you would think this is your opportunity to lean into the idea that, you know, not one of us is without sin and we all deserve death. Right. But they couldn't even do that. No, these are innocent people bound for hell, but don't send them just yet.

Bound for hell. Yeah. The innocent people that are going to hell later. Yeah. And also this is a minor detail, but in their joke, they say, it'll even lock your car in case of illegal entry. And I'm like, isn't it just like a fucking Christian to be bamfed up to heaven, but still worried somebody's going to touch their shit? Yeah. And I don't know.

Maybe I'm overthinking it. Maybe I'm looking too deeply at it and giving them too much credit. But at the exact same moment, they're talking about that in case of illegal entry, exact same time, a note about modifications being needed for foreign cars comes on screen. Oh no! Ah!

Exactly same time. Guys, we should really put a tariff on these things, but if you happen to get one, you're going to need our Acme device. At least we know the xenophobia was alive and well, even then. I was just saying, either it was on purpose or it was subconscious. This is that spot where we're supposed to not ask what the joke is, right? Because it's still, if you are being raptured, why do you care about the people who are being,

quote, left behind and endangered by your car? Right. From their theological standpoint, if you didn't care enough about them before you were raptured, like, what is the point of all of this? But this made me think of, and I know I'm stealing this idea from someone, but it made me think of the joke of setting up a pet care service for people after they are raptured. And they pay you a monthly fee just in case they're raptured. I think I would be so good at that. Because I'm...

Me too. I love cats. Right. If they just sent me pictures of their dogs every month, I mean, they're never going to get raptured, but you know, I'll take your 1999. Yeah, listen, starting up an insurance company with a whole suite of things for rapture insurance that you might need. Sure.

Definitely. Also, if your theology doesn't have your dogs going to heaven, fuck you. Yeah. Yeah. What did they ever do? Yeah. Also, just from a professional standpoint, so normally we avoid trying to do, like doing comedy stuff on our show,

no matter how bad it is, because it's hard to make fun of bad comedy, right? Because all you can really do is say, and then they do this joke, which isn't funny, right? But they're so bad at it that we don't have to bother to avoid it. So when you write a sketch like this, the way that you do this is that you think

of a funny concept, i.e. a device that would stop your car if the rapture happens, right? Which again, isn't funny if you're a Christian and think that the rapture's gonna happen, but setting that aside, you would then think, okay, what are some funny things that we can say about this or do with it? They never get to that point, right?

So after they introduced the idea that they just play this as a straight commercial for this device the entire time and it goes on for two fucking minutes with no punchlines, no jokes, no bits, no escalation, nothing. What are you talking about? Did you miss the part where it's so easy a two-year-old can do it and they have the little baby there? All right, well, no, you're right. No, I'm sorry. I feel like you didn't you didn't really watch the sketch. Really? I probably learned a lot more from them.

The two-year-old putting the Acme brand Rapture parking device on their power wheel. Like that's pretty funny. I like that. Okay, that's that's pretty good. It just plows into a Jewish baby. Oh no. See, this is what you want to avoid. We're not sure.

But it seems to be like the whole joke seems to be, we're stupid. And we know that. Yes. Isn't that hilarious? Don't understand what else the joke could be. So okay, then we get the chat with DeGarmo and Key. Yes, THE DeGarmo and Key.

First time together, because I refuse to believe it's been both of them all three times. So yeah, so, but they've been buddies since the first grade. They've been playing in bands since the sixth grade, so you'd think they'd be better at it. You would. They look like they're doing impressions of themselves, if that makes any sense. It's like every cocaine dealer that gets arrested by a movie cop in all of the eighties, they're that,

and they're making fun of that to the next power, yeah. Every white one, yeah. And honestly, they couldn't help but be rock stars. Pat Boone made them be rock stars. God, why would you mention that? Pat Boone? Such an evangelical thing. Like, I didn't want this. This wasn't me. Right. Yes. This was God. I was chosen. I was, you know, I was ready to live a simple, quiet life. But God whispered in the ear of Pat Boone and here we are. You guys, I went to a Christian ministry banquet, like probably 20 years ago, and Pat Boone

was the like keynote speaker at the banquet. And I- God, is he still alive? Well, that was 20 years ago. That was 20 years ago. I don't think so. Oh, okay. He might, he lived for a while.

I think I do recall him passing away. However, he's with the Lord now. But I didn't, I was like kind of a, I started getting involved in Christianity when I was in college. So like, that was like the late nineties. And so I missed a lot of the Christian cultural stuff. So I didn't actually have any idea who this guy was, but everybody at the banquet was like swooning over Pat Boone, like all these like middle aged women. And then the guy gets up and I can't remember

if he's saying or not, but I remember him talking about how he raised his four daughters, that he raised them to be virgins on their wedding night. And I think he raised them in Southern California or something and he was so proud of this man. So that was my brush with Christian stardom. So when they said Pat Boone, I was like, Oh, I know him. His daughters don't fuck.

Yeah. Speaking of his daughters, he actually said during a speech, I'd rather see my four girls shot and die as little girls who have faith in God, then leave them to die some years later as godless, faithless, soulless communists. Exact words. From Pat Boone. Wolf.

Thanks, Dad. Oh, God. Jesus. Apparently, people were like doing beetle mania when he walked into this event. Wow. Which is so sad. Oh, the Boone Swoon. The Boone Swoon. The boon swoon.

Amazing. So, okay. And so whenever they bring to Gar Moenke, and everybody loves to tell this story, right? Because they're like, hey, remember that time that you had a rock video that was so awesome? MTV had to pull it. It was so controversial. So I want to tell you the true story of this because the video was pulled because Christians complained about it, right?

The song is all about how I met the Antichrist and he tried to get my soul, but I got away, but the chorus is just 666 over and over again. So Christians saw that and they're like, oh, that's anti-Christian. And they complained and MTV pulled it. And then when they figured out they were wrong, they're like, Oh, that's anti-Christian. And they complained and MTV pulled it. And then like when they figured out they were wrong, they're like, okay, we'll take out the part where there's a human being that's on fire in it. And then we'll put it back on. And they did.

So that's the real story. And they're like, you were too hot for MTV to handle, huh? And to Garment Keeley, yeah, we rock pretty fucking hard. Yeah. Right. And again, like has it aged poorly or perfectly fucking hard. Yeah. Right. And again, like, has it aged poorly or perfectly? Right. Yeah.

Because I say perfect. The cops in the video are on the side of the Antichrist. Oh, that's right. I'm like, all cops are Antichrist bitches. I don't, I don't feel like this video would pass for evangelicals today. That's interesting to think of, you know, so yeah, because we know they're Antichrist because they wear sunglasses, right? All the bad guys wear sunglasses in this.

And when what we see in the video is this kid walks up and he sees like the Antichrist, he's just, you know, walking the street like you do when you're looking for a good oil barrel to hang out with and watch videos with your friends. He's walking down the street and he- Classic night in Tulsa, am I right? Friday in Tulsa. Saturday, whatever. I don't think we're allowed to say Saturday.

Friday in Tulsa, right? But he runs into the Antichrist and a couple of cops, like, yeah, wearing the sunglasses. So, sorry, I'm getting a little ahead of us getting into the video, but yeah, DiGarmu and Key set that up for us. Now, we have actually, Heath and I have actually broken down this video before on Scathing Atheist, on our other show, where we do a segment called Godawful. So when this video came on, Heath and I just both had this really depressing moment where like, Oh, wow, again, I'm going to watch this music video. Well, fuck. So obviously my job is you did not learn the

lesson that you were supposed to learn and you have been presented with it again by the grace of God. God has whispered in our ears. Oh, you think we're being given a second chance? He's trying to get at you. Okay. And this is like peak TBN, PTL era coming in because then Key is sitting there wearing a broach that many of your grandmothers traded your inheritance for. I gotta, I gotta send money to this ministry and you're not gonna need it because Jesus

is coming. ASAP. Right. Okay, so then we get this video. Now, how aggressively 80s is this video? Well, it starts with a guy in a denim jacket with a mullet putting a five and a half inch floppy disk into his Apple IIe's disk drive. Amazing. So, okay, okay. To be clear, this disk, this five and a quarter disk is going to be like Satan's plan in it or whatever.

Yes. Satan put 360 max kilobytes onto a disk to corrupt humanity. That's two seconds of a CD in terms of data. Well, it doesn't take much. We're not that smart. Well, yeah, that's true. Yeah, we were teetering on the fucking edge. And made it blatantly clear, right?

Because I'm like, who is the person picking up this disc, this floppy disc of destruction? Is this supposed to be a Christian or non-Christian? Because even not like 666 is so obvious, like no shade Satan, but you're not good at this. Because you're not even... Be a little tricky. Put a formula. Put a formula that adds up to 660. Put 999 at least. And then maybe the accident...

Oh shit! We already put it in. Okay. He sent it through his fancy dot matrix laser printer and printed out those labels so colorfully. This he, he clear, this was clearly a priority to communicate those numbers to someone. Maybe that's, maybe that's where the message is, is just in the printed label. I was so excited when Satan hacked the Apple IIe

to print out just a bunch of sixes on a dot matrix printer. I wanted Satan to like poof into the room and be like, fuck, the feed is off. Hold on, give me a second. I'm going to do it, shut up, just look, it's off by two now. I went the wrong way.

Hold on. You had that print job took hours. I ripped a lot of it. Do you have a new ream? He's paid up all night printing that shit. Do you have a whole new ream? I need a new ream. No, Satan drops by later. He's like, hey, did you get my message?

Is that what he's talking about? No, I sent, I know I pressed print on that. Oh, it jammed, man. It didn't. No, it didn't come. Okay. We'll try again tomorrow. Also, so I also, I have a question about like the,

with the story that we're being told in this video, because it seems like what happens when you get this five and a half inch floppy disk is that it sets up a situation where you are given this five and a half inch floppy disk, right? Cause he boots it up. And then we see him go to this place and they give him like the chick convinces him to put his hand on the thing and they open the box and it's this floppy disk. And you're like, is this a fucking flashback then? But then he throws it out the window, right?

Cause that's what you do when you have Satan items is you just throw them up for anybody to pick them up. And some little kid picks it up and he boots it up. And then we see him going into the place and getting the floppy disk. Right. What the fuck is happening here? It's the perfect plan.

By Satan. It's Calvinism. Oh, is it? Right? Like you were destined, you got the disk because you were destined to get the disk. Oh, you're right. So you got the disk. It's deep theology. I didn't realize it. Yeah. So there's also, there's a great moment where like the good guy in the video

realizes that Satan's trying to corrupt his soul and he goes to leave, but they won't let him out. The bouncer turns him back. So he throws this bar stool to the window and I wrote my notes. I wrote stool throw and then I wrote, I mean a bar stool. I wrote my notes, I wrote stool throw, and then I wrote, I mean a bar stool. Cause uh. That's a good clarification. Yeah, yeah, I felt so. That stool is pretty small,

and he smashes through like a big plate glass thick window at the front of like a storefront or whatever. There's an outtake where that thing bounces back and hits that actor in the face really hard. And I want that. Yep. Yep. That was like Elon with the Tesla with the Cybertruck. Unbreakable glass.

He should have known then. He should have known it was all going to blow up right then. Damn it. That's how he got the black guy. Whoever said that. So step ahead of me. So OK, but then he gets he almost gets away. But then the Antichrist like corners him on the roof and there's a flame barrel. Right. Flame barrel makes a comeback star of the show. By night. Yeah. He kicks the flame barrel over at Satan. And I'm like, come on, man, you know, he's

got flame resistance. That's obviously you would want to use an ice power against the fucking Antichrist. So that doesn't do anything. Fire is like, famously Satan's thing. You're making him feel more at home, if anything. So but then we get like the guy wakes up from from this dream, but then the computer prints out 666 So he knows it wasn't really a dream and then he throws the thing out the window and that's the end of them And also because he really has the disk. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah. Yeah. What do you do with?

world ending soul destroying Propaganda you leave it out on the sidewalk. You just throw it out your window. Like honestly, like even setting aside that it's world-ending propaganda or whatever, he just throws garbage out his own front fucking window into his own yard. What kind of fucking slob are you?

Well, it was the 80s. Jesus. Just save one basic image over that disk to save humanity. Everybody could be saved. So reformat. You have to punch a hole in the side there. Set it next to a magnet. There you go.

Yeah, right. Yeah, like lick the inside of it. It didn't hold up too much. Fold it in half. Right. There you go. That'll do the trick. So good.

But enough fun and games. Damn it. It's time for three, three, three. Now you're getting mathematical. But enough fun and games dammit. It's time now for Blaine to get serious for a minute and tell us about how the end is nigh. Then he makes this insane fucking statement.

I love this so fucking much. He goes, one in seven scriptures talks about history or future events. Who the fuck counted that? No, that is my favorite thing ever because I'm going to start juicing my stats like that. Right? Like, guys, I'm not saying I'm a big deal. I'm just saying one out of every two people I meet immediately

recognize me or have no idea who I am. recognize me, or have no idea who I am. It's like this step either talks about history or future events. Take history out of the equation and I don't think future events are putting up those kind of numbers. Oh yeah, right, right. Yeah, obviously trying to obscure the fucking point. Yeah, because he's talking about prophecy and I'm like, yeah Man prophecy doesn't include the history parts, right? Okay, imagine if you went to somebody who could actually See the future and six out of seven things they keep telling you about the past and you're just like come on just fast forward Just tell me the stuff ahead it doesn't I know the stuff otherwise that That's on video, man. Shut up about that part.

Yeah. I'm not depositing another $2. But then he reminds us about that parable about the virgins. Five of them had oil and were ready and five of them didn't have any oil and weren't ready. The parable of the ten virgins, that that's not even, hardcore Christians don't even have like good interpretations for this. But this is what we're going with. So I'm like, if I'm just coming in cold, is this about lube?

Right? Right? Is that right? The bridegroom, the bridegroom is coming. These are all virgins. Half of them are ready, half of them are not. And they're ready with oil. Are they oiling themselves up with it? Or I don't... That's why he's so out of breath.

Chopping brought to you by Chopping Wood. Yeah. Right. The rapture is just like getting ready to be married and then oil stuff. I was like, I'm listening, I guess. But then I am actually getting ready to be married and then oil stuff. I was like, I'm listening, I guess. But then I am actually getting ready to be married and I was like, okay, what does he mean by that? Like making sure a big dinner fits 19 dietary restrictions for like two of the people.

Okay, the rapture is gonna be a giant pain in the ass. Great. So lube that shit up. All right, so let's make sure that Ann has plenty of lamp oil. Yeah. So, OK. So then we get a black and white sketch that starts off with this title card that says one afternoon at a Christian home.

And this is where we get my best worst. The lulu. Right. So we see this kid getting home. Mom is in the kitchen doing domestic things that are proper and appropriate for the fairer sex. And she goes, she damn near goes, Lou Lou Lou doing domesticated stuff. Domesticated stuff is my favorite stuff. But what she lands on is she's like, Oh, I better feed that dog and get that. And there's

obviously no line written for her. So what she lands on is hand cream. Cats hand cream. And the, so we spend the rest of this little sketch going like, why is she giving the dog hand cream? No, like is it, does the dog have the hand cream? Like is this the system they worked out? I trade the food for the hand cream. The dog needs to check out Chopping Wood, the video series, I think. I know you're not using that paw cream just for your paws and your moisturizing needs.

There's just so many references to moisturizer in just those two, in those five minutes. That can't be an accident. Then dad goes to get in the shower and he's still fully dressed in the suit. He's wearing a suit! Yeah. Okay. Genuine question. Do proper Christian people shower in their suit? The full suit? I wrote that same fucking thing in my notes. I'm like, was that a thing back then? I wouldn't be all that surprised.

Yeah, exactly. Maybe. thing in my notes. I'm like, was that a thing back then? I wouldn't be all that surprised. Yeah, exactly. Baby. What is that? I mean, I don't know. What do men do? You go to the office, right? And I guess you were sweating heavy at the office. Yeah, it's a big thing. Yeah. Chopping wood? I don't know. You come home, mid-afternoon, and first thing you had to do is jump in the shower

Well not jump in the shower right then you just turn on the shower Oh, and then go into your closet to listen to some music He was like I'm gonna put on a three-piece. I feel like it's not formal enough for the shower. I'm gonna I'm gonna get the waist Yeah, no, I think this is the our first never nude. Oh, interesting. I love it. Never knew. I was like, I think he is.

I think he's doing what like kids do. All right. Like faking a shower. The grown man pretending to take showers. Like, babe, I just took a nice shower and she's like, oh, you smell still. Well, you know, the water was running that whole time. I'm going to get that water running. I'm going to put on my secret music.

Yeah. And I'm going to go in this closet and listen to my pants. 1987 Walkman. This is the size of a fucking typewriter. Yeah. So it's, and now what we should we should be clear what they're setting up here is that their kid is going to come home and he's going to find a shower with nobody in it and he's going to find that mom has left the water like the

the dinner boiling on the stove when she went out to to feed the dog and the kitchen sink just running right right because she had to wet the dog food or whatever and forgot to turn it off, I guess. But so they're desperately setting up a thing so that he can walk in and think that the raptures happened. But in order to do that, they have to create all this insane dog needs more hand cream, dad's taking a fucking shower in a three piece suit shed. Right? Leaving us all going, what is happening? So when they finally have the kid walk in and he's like, oh, the rapture happened. We're like, oh God, that answers so many of my questions. Hey, and also like what was happening in the 80s where kids, teenagers were coming home

excited to talk to their parents. Like, who is going to come home? Mom, dad, where are you? Okay, here's what happened when this rapture happened though. I was just realizing this wife and this husband both got raptured, right? So they show up, well, the claim is they got raptured. So they would show up in heaven, moms holding hand cream and dads drenched wet in a three piece suit.

What are you doing right now? I don't think you should be here. Well, and so and we should point out to the kid, he sees the water boiling and he goes upstairs and hears the shower running. So he goes to check it out and he opens the shower like he's hoping to get an eye full of dad's cock, right? Like he throws the shower running. So he goes to check it out and he opens the shower like he's hoping to get an eye full of dad's cock, right? Like he throws the shower open and looks all at once. Like, you know, not the like subtle, like half look in the shower to see if somebody's there look. No, he's looking for some dick. Cause like, it's blatant, right? The way they film it, you see his shadow on the other side

of the door when he's getting ready to open it. So clearly, if somebody was in there, you would be able to see their shadow. So what kind of games do you and your dad play? But then he sees that the shower is empty and he screams, he's like, oh, the rapture has happened, but I've been left behind. And he runs downstairs and he starts confessing his sins out loud to God Mm-hmm downstairs not not right there. No like the emotional impact hit you no downstairs where the lighting is better. Yeah Where it's easier to frame three people in this shot, right? Because that's what it is they need mom and dad to like walk in behind him So they need a room where that's possible. He starts screaming. Oh, it's the raptor! Hold on, hold on, I'm just gonna head downstairs.

And mom who went out last we saw her right she was going to bargain for hand cream with the dog out the back door. Dad was upstairs but somehow they both come from the same direction. Yeah. At the exact same time. Yep. Yeah. Where were they? And what were they doing with that hand cream?

Yeah. Right. Going on. Not clear. Yeah. Maybe mom went up to the closet. Like that was near. Well, now that she's got the hand cream.

Yeah. And dad's peeping his sound canceling headphones. Yeah. Right. So Sun sound cancelling headphones. Yeah, right. Sun starts confessing his sins. Mom and dad walk in like, you got nothing on us. No, but but so but let's stop for just a second at a point this out, right? Because this is horrifying. Yeah, right.

Like just objectively, like this is this is a sketch about what a terrible thing this is to threaten your children with. But Christians are looking at it going, huh? Right? Pretty funny. Pretty funny. Yep. It's really not funny. It was terrible. Under any circumstances, because either the kid really was left behind and that, so from,

if you believe that, then from a Christian standpoint, you would be sad for the kid. But then warning the kid using this is just pure terror, terrorizing, which is very commonplace in the church. But none of it is funny anywhere. Very strange. Okay. If they ended this video, mom walks in, she's holding hand cream, dad's drenched in a suit, and they just transition to an ad for Blaine Bartel's chopping wood videos. That would be pretty

funny. That would be a funny fake real ad. No, but instead, we're going to cut to fucking Judy, the time life operator telling us about this. Like honestly, this thing that every one of us had to spend like a full minute going is this a real ad that Was left in or is this something they're joking about? Right because it's a they're like you need to read prophecy news today And the joke is that's the Bible right that the prophecy news today is the Bible and it's telling you about all these things That are happening today, right, but it takes a while to figure that out. I read it every day.

Yeah, they make several of the cast sing that and they're not great singers. It's rough. Well, and then they have to say their other bit like right, because the one guy goes, I read it every day and the Russkies are on their way. Because voices are funny. Yeah, well clearly right and Russians and Russians are bad Z's are funny, but then the next guy who says it and this is how this is honestly genuinely the first time I knew for a fact it was a sketch was when the guy goes I read it every day and half my neighborhood is gay Which in 1987 if half your neighborhood is gay. Which in 1987, if half your neighborhood is gay, then I'm going to assume one out of seven

men that you know are your lover or next. Yeah, right. If half your neighborhood is gay in 1987, it's one of three neighborhoods. Right, right. If after your neighborhood is gay in 1987, it's one of three neighborhoods. And then of course, the last one who says it is the little girl, right? Who says, I read it every day, but my school won't let me pray. But I do it anyway. So they clearly have been leaning on that same lie that kids aren't allowed to pray in school for at least 40 fucking years and counting. And then they contradict themselves because she's like, I do it anyway. Yeah, right.

So you can pray. I guess that they're not. You can wish there's no enforcement of wishing. That's true. Yep. There you go. And then like we get to the end and there's no legitimate call to action. And I'm like, okay, definitely not a real ad then definitely a sketch.

I'm just gonna say that it's not... It was a real ad, right? For the Bible. Well, that's... No, that's true, right? Yeah, that's the thing. So yeah, I guess they don't know whether it's a sketch or not. It's like Schrödinger's sketch.

Is it a sketch? It's not a sketch. You don't know. It's deep. All right. Well, with the bar for sketch comedy thus lowered, I suppose we can feel pretty confident taking a quick break, but we'll be back in a minute with even more of Fire By Night, episode six.

Hey folks, I'm No Illusions. And I'm Heath Enright. And we're here to tell you about quints. You see, I have a crippling fear of fashion born of childhood bullying that I hide behind a cynical ambivalence about my personal style, inefficiently trying to mask my fear of standing out behind a color palette most people would associate with various grades of concrete.

Okay, yeah, I feel like this is more confessional than the quints people are looking for. Right. But but when Heath wrote us a quints ad the other day and made a joke about how we were so fashion backwards that we just wear plain gray t-shirts, I was literally wearing a plain gray t-shirt when I read it. It's true. He sent me a picture. So I heeded my own advice and I perused Quince's selection of cotton silk polos, European linen bead shorts and comfortable pants that work for everything. And I bought a shirt with colors in it that didn't appear on the Jackie Gleason show and everything.

And I wore it while we were in Oregon. It's true. I saw him. It looked good, right? It looked great. I've genuinely never gotten more compliments about an article of clothing. Afterwards, I was excited for the next Quince ad so that I could tell you about it. And if you're using price as an excuse to be unfashionable like I was, quince will rob you of that excuse too.

By working directly with top artisans and cutting out the middlemen and middle women, quince gives you luxury pieces without the markups. Stick to the staples that last with elevated essentials from quince. Go to quince.com slash awful for free shipping on your orders and 365 day returns that's quince.com slash awful to get free shipping and 365 day returns quince.com slash awful Because it's okay to have colors in your clothing even when there's none in your soul. What are you filling in for Eli? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Scratch that. Dark. Alright everyone. I want to talk about the fake ad for Prophetic News Today that we got in there.

It's not working for me. The twist, I think it's just that it's like that's the Bible. The news is the Bible and it's telling us predictions about a magical apocalypse. Exactly. So good. Got him. What? No, you got who?

What do you mean? Well, we got the people who think there's a magical apocalypse coming. Okay, but that's us. We think that. Oh, right, right. Yeah, that's us. And we're actually advertising the Bible and its prophecies as the theme of like our entire show.

Doesn't really make sense. Okay, but like it's super meta. That's a comedy thing, right? It can be a comedy thing, but this is not meta. It's just, this is just we're stupid and we don't know how jokes work. Wait, I got it What if we lean into it and we make a sketch about this right now?

Yeah, like we're idiot Christian writers who don't understand comedy and we're trying to learn how a sketch works dude love That it's like We're really winking at it. Okay, okay. That could actually be funny if we put it together the right way. I kind of like that. So meta. Super meta. Wink.

Yeah, yeah. We're like jumping up our own asses on purpose and we know it. That's actually not bad. That's actually not bad. Sweet. Let's know it. That's actually not bad. That's actually not bad. Sweet. Let's do it. But wait, fellas. Is it gay to jump up your own ass? Yeah, that counts. Oh, it's officially gay by the rules. Yeah, I was pretty sure. It's too bad. Gotta scrap the whole thing. Nice catch, Blaine. Yeah, close one. sure. It's too bad. Got to scrap the whole thing.

Nice catch Blaine. Yeah, close one. Love the center, right? Hey, did we just write a sketch about people writing a sketch who don't understand what it means to write a sketch? Writing a sketch about how they don't understand how to write a sketch? You're you're inside out again, man. Right inside out. I'll get the doodle-y swoosh.

And we're back and we're going to rejoin the show with more from Degarmo and Key. Lucky us. Not their music. No. Their interview some more, which I was actually cool with. Really? Honestly, because otherwise it would have been their music, their interview some more, which I was actually cool with. Yeah, really, honestly, because otherwise it would have been their music. Like they start playing the music and you're like, oh, God, not another song. And it stops playing the song. And you're like, oh, good, the interview. And then the interview starts and you're like, could we go back to the song?

I hope we learn from Degarmo and Key about the state of Israel. I'd love to hear about the geopolitical consequences of that now. And there we go. We get that. Yeah. Blaine Bartel asks me, he's like, so how close are we to the rapture? And they're like, well, close enough that it's going to be super awkward for us if atheists can make fun of this 38 years from now. Yes. Whoops.

Apocalypse now? Fuck. It's never now when I say apocalypse now. He's like, you know, it's very likely it's this generation, but it could also be the next generation. Or maybe they won't ask for that. He was pretty confident though. Like he was like, I'm building it. I'm building a huge safety net here by saying the next generation. But come on guys, we know.

Yeah. He's like, he's like, I'm sure I'll be a lot. He died in 2010, by the way. I'm sure I'll still be alive. Yeah. We hear a clip from their song Ready or Not. Guess what? That's a mystery. Hide and seek. There's a great moment where he's asking to Garmo and he's like, you know, what advice would you give to to kids these days about,

you know, getting ready for the future? And he's like, and they're like, oh, be Christian would be our advice. No, but like he says that like at the very end, there is a point where if they had cut it off, I'm like, this would have actually been good advice because he's saying, like, don't worry so much about the future. You're in high school, Live your life. You know, have a good time now. And to me, having a good time means be a Christian. Yeah, right.

Yeah. Without that little tag, again, aid perfectly or poorly. So my evangelicals would have absolutely pulverized this man because they do not want their high schoolers enjoying their life and living for the moment right now No, you're right. I gotta call MTV and get their shit off the air Well, there's also there's this moment where like he has to try to like make the argument that being Christian is actually pretty cool Right where he's like, you know, I was living my life at 20 miles an hour until I became Christian and then God sped it up to like 90 miles an hour.

I'm Degarmo and I'm Christian motherfucker. Or maybe Key. Heath isn't sure which one is talking now. It's easy to remember because Degarmo is the one that plays the keys and key isn't which is Guys not key. No, no, that's the Garmo. Yeah, so dumb They tell that joke all the time. Yeah. Yeah With that 20 to 90 Like this. This is the white fruit, right?

is the white shrewd, right? The ultimate fantasy being the assistant manager of a hotel in hell. Yep. To the regionals. It's like 90, you couldn't even push to the hundred. Come on, guys. Well, that would be reckless, Janice, okay? 90 miles an hour in a straightaway,

you could do that safely, but come on. I meant kilometers, actually, oh my God, 90 miles per hour. Would your emergency Raptor brake even work at 90 miles per hour? Right, yes. An important question. Good point. Does this work on a DeLorean? No. Can't seem to get over 88. But yeah, so and then we get it. This devolves into another

music video. And this is amazing, right? Because we're fresh from them going, yeah, actually being Christian is super cool. Like us, we're rock stars and we're super cool. And then we cut straight from that to the key to our. What happened to the keytar? You don't see it anymore. Like, I think it's a good instrument. I kind of want a keytar. I kind of want it. I wouldn't mind having a keytar. So yeah, but he's rocking the keytar.

We see a bunch of Africans, but don't worry. There are white people to help them with that affliction. Jesus Christ. Rough. Those are the only people of color you're gonna see in this thing. Well, there is... In the entire goddamn video. There is one Asian kid who sneaks in to one of the scenes, but...

Other than that, this is it. Yep. Yep. This was my representation. Yeah, yeah. The video starts as mostly a, um, like a commercial for a Chevy pickup, it seems. Sure does. It was just like doing the like a rock thing and then maybe like a brand of Christian Axe.

There's some wood chopping. Oh, wood chopping! Oh, chopping wood! Keeps coming back. Keeps coming back. Okay. But then, yeah, they fly somewhere in a plane. We're going to find out to anywhere in Africa, according to them,

from like the heartland of America in this tiny little crop duster airplane. And that tiny little plane, what did he bring? Right, well and also like I think... You can't even fit any Bibles in there. No! Andy would have had to stop for gas like 37 times on his way to Africa in that little fucking plane. Oh, God.

This and this video could not be more just ham fisted leap you call it. Right. Like, so we see that, you know, that we see a hay and clothesline and mama literally ringing the dinner bell. We do. I laughed a lot at one little moment when the two like farmer guys grit bootstraps and then they have a little hose fight. They have a little water fight.

One guy just picks up the hose and sprays the other guy in the face. The other guy gets visibly mad and they have to cut away. The other guy's like, hey, fuck you, cut. Yes. There was that moment. And then there's an even briefer moment where it's like right after, is it the son? Is he supposed to be the son? I guess. Is that a father and son?

I don't know. He throws his little suitcase in the pickup truck and he drives by. And I rewound it a couple of times. I was like, is it the dad? Is he wearing jeggings? Because he puts his hand like on his hip. He doesn't put his hand in his pocket. It is the most like flamboyant coated thing. Interesting. Like you have to go back and just watch that moment.

The way he is leaning on that fence and he just has his hand on his hip. All right. Just watching his boy drive by. I laugh. Chopping some wood. And I laugh. Do you think de Garmo and Key were like secretly infiltrating the Christian community? Oh, interesting. Any chance? Let's hope. Interesting. Trying to, yeah, undermining chopping wood. But then that's why I can't tell. Is it perfectly or poorly because this stuff is so campy. No, it's beautiful. But did they mean it to be? I liked how excited keytar guy was about spinning the synth around during the video too.

It's on just like one of those screw and peg things things but he's able to spin it and he does it a couple of times So excitedly and then they do the the one foot hoppy thing. Yes. Yeah Aggressively very aggressive you watch them all be like, okay, we're gonna do the hop on foot thing in three two Dude you started early fuck keep it we're keeping it whatever and a five six seven eight Keep it. We're keeping it. Whatever and a five six seven eight Yes, yeah, they go back to that well couple of times There's also a spot where like the camera pans over and keytar guy is playing a regular keyboard and he's like he gets caught He's just running away from it. I wasn't playing that I'm actually to Garmo. It's confusing. Don't worry And key like why are you sharing a microphone

with this rando who doesn't get a name? It is not Degarmo, yes. Right. It's not Degarmo and Key and Johnson over here. Who the fuck is this guy? And like Carreras and Domingo, and everybody's like, what, who, I don't even know what's happening. So, then we go back to the to the interview, right?

And to Garmore's like, you know, everybody pretty much agrees at this point that it's very cool to be a Christian. That's why Christianity is growing so much and i'm like It's but it's it's literally not though. Like at this point like the the drop in christianity was though That was the precipice right? Like they had already fallen off the fucking precipice at that point So he might as well just have his fingers in his ear going, la, la, la. I can't hear reality. Right? I love that they seem to really believe this.

He's like, yeah, so my fellow youths, we all know it's fucking cray cray Riz fat to be Christian. We don't know that. But it's also practical and that's what's important. Yeah. But it's also practical and that's what's important. Yeah, because it came with like a hint of like a warning. Like, you'll see a lot of you trying to get into this Christian thing because it's cool. But, this is for real real, right? This is not play time.

Like this is not, it's also very practical and you need to be aware of that. We're not just going to be having fun and games over here. Take it serious. Anyway, the scorpion horse locusts are coming soon. They're coming to kill us because a lady ate an apple because yeah. So okay. And then we get the fucking what's hot segment that I always manage to forget about between these episodes.

Right? This is where Ron Luci. Luce. Luce. Is that his name? Is it Luce? Yeah. So he's he's going to tell us what's hot. Apparently, what's hot right now is Steve Camp. And his shoulder pads. Who looks like a baby lion at a day spa, which is an interesting one.

I thought it was cool. That sounds really cute. really nice silk robe thing. Yeah, it's good. Slash jacket. Not clear. I like 20s. He goes, he goes to band the choir formerly known as the youth choir. But then they got old enough that that was just dumb sounding.

They're also they get they got an album. And then he gives us the top 10 Christian singles. There's only two that I recognize. Amy Grant, of course, she was only at number 10. And then she barely made it. Barely made it onto the list. And then there was Petra at number three. I recognize them. The other eight were all new to me. Yeah, same. I recognize Michael W. Smith.

Okay. Oh, and I recognized the cover of Tremaine Hawkins. Okay. But again, this is, oh, okay. So we lied before we did have some other cultural representation. Tremaine Hawkins is a black woman. Oh, well, there you go. And I couldn't, I couldn't have told you what her name was. I couldn't tell you what the CD was called.

Can I recall a song off the top of my head? But I know that CD was in our house. Gotcha. OK, so while we're talking about the covers, I think we have to talk about Billy Sprog's Rock the Planet and the bold cover art choices that this album made. Okay, this was a lot going on on this cover. I hadn't, I didn't recognize any of the names.

Amy Grant, now that you say it, I was like, okay, yeah, I've heard of that. But I saw this cover and I was like, this is insane. It's got Billy Sprague, he's got the curly 80s mullet and just mustache. And he's got his name written in silly fun 80s font, whatever that is. He also is wearing, I think, a robe, but it's all in like connect the dots format. It's just like, it gets crazier the longer you look.

There's also a flamingo. I don't know why walking next to him. Spinning the earth. And he's spinning the earth on his finger, like a basketball. So it was so, so it's hard to get across in audio how bizarre this thing is. It's bizarre enough that I was copying an image of it

into our notes and then noticed that Heath had copied an image of it into our notes. However, however, I will say that the award for best image copied in our notes does go to Janice on this one. No, but for real, genuine question. Because come on guys, you see it, right? Oh yes. Yeah, tell our audience what we're looking at in the notes here

So again, I was familiar with Ron loose from acquire the fire some years later I did not remember what he looked like but as soon as he started talking I was like this this is Larry the cucumber He is like this is Mouth the mouth is honestly uncanny He is. Like this is... The face is exactly the same. The mouth. The mouth is honestly uncanny. He could sue those motherfuckers. He could sue those motherfuckers. Yes, right.

So Janice has included a side by side of this in our notes and I'll have Tim share it on social media. It is amazing how much this man manages to look like an anthropomorphic cucumber. And his eyebrows. holy moly. The eyebrows, the nose, the big round nose, the tooth sticking out. Everything about him. If you put this man in green, he could get picked out of a lineup and go to jail for a crime that Larry the Cucumber committed.

Jesus, that's so fucking weird. I saw that in the notes this morning and I like, I went to laugh and I'm like, but it's too, it's too good to really laugh. It's actually just eerie. But, but then, so he gives us our top 10 songs and everything, but then he wants to talk a minute about all this Satanism in today's music. So he gives us editorial where he starts listing all the Satan-y sounding band names. And as he's listing the Satan-y sounding band names, they're putting Satan-y sounding band names up on the screen, but they're not the same ones that he's listening to. They're just random. And some of them are just like, is it? That's not a cover. That's just words that you guys took from...

Motley Crue isn't satanic. Yeah, right. A magazine? I don't know. So yeah, but then he goes, he goes, this is so good. He goes, you know, we don't have to listen to these songs backwards to hear Satan's influence. Although to be clear, we still will just in case. Okay. It says 666 both ways. All right. Nevermind. And then like, it's just so, it's, it's so bad. Just like in a marketing standpoint, you don't end with the thing you don't want people to remember. Right! Right. Like, this was an ad for Motley Crue. It was!

Basically. Yeah, he's like, here's a bunch of great bands that you should listen to. Now let me name 37 that you shouldn't listen to. And say way more about them. Because all we did with the ones we like was give you a list. Yeah, right. They like, we took the time to put... Didn't even say them. Oh, you're with the ones we like was give you a list. Yeah, right. They like, we took the time to put- Didn't even say them. Oh, you're right. He didn't even say them out loud. No. Wow. You have to read these. So if you glanced away and that went by, and then again, Motley

Crew ad. Absolutely. Yep. He's just telling you all about it. I'm like, okay. Just back to the, as he was talking about Motley Crue and saying that they don't denounce Buddha or Mohammed, but only Jesus. And I just, like, this goes to what Janice was saying, like, did this age poorly or did this age perfectly? Because it's that persecution complex, you know, like, you know, whenever Jesus comes up, we're, you know, we're always going to be mocked, you know, and, and it's like, are you like, are these guys just doing their thing?

You know, it's, it's so fringe. Well, yeah, right. Are you being mocked because of Jesus or because you look like an anthropomorphic pickle? I mean, right. But now I do want a motley crew song that's like fuck you Buddha He's like we're these bands ever denounce Buddha or Muhammad only Jesus and oh yeah It's weird that they're all singing in English to isn't it Ron? Hold on a second I think we found a connection. There's some connective threads here

Also, do they do they ever actually denounce Jesus by name? Or is it just a general idea of God or religion or whatever? Because like, show me, pull that footage. Yes. Put that lyric up there. Right. Where they actually talk about Jesus because I don't think that they do. I mean, I've heard a few Motley Crue songs. I don't remember the fuck Jesus parts. Yeah.

And then, okay, so now it's time for the sketch comedy to make way for the pseudo TV show about how Blaine Bartel is actually very cool as a teenager. Family first. Normally, this is half the show. Mercifully, this was only about 18 minutes long this time. Mercifully only? What? Welcome to my world, Janice. So yeah, but this is the sitcom where the mom, the dad, the eldest son, who is Blaine Bartell, and the eldest daughter, who is Blaine Bartell's wife, are all the same age.

And to counteract this, they have spray painted a beard onto the dad. Okay, I forgot that's what happened. Dad comes in pretty early and I was like, okay, dad's a chimney sweep and the soot made the shape of a beard today by chance. That worked out, okay. So yeah, so we get Blaine and his sister, they're rocking out, listening to music too loud. Little brother who's trying to study and do the proper Christian things has to put earmuffs on just so he can concentrate. Earmuffs don't really reduce sound. They're

not like earplugs. They just, you can still hear in the, but okay. But dad comes in and tells him to turn down the music. Now the joke here is that they can't hear him tell them to turn down the music because the music is so loud. That's funny for at least what? A minute and 15 seconds. She can get eight, so long, seven, eight jokes out of that bit. That set up. They milk that. They do space work. There's nothing space about it. They just do like a minute and a half of this. It's so weird.

Every joke, it's like a square trying to act out the concept of a cube. And it doesn't understand other like. And I feel like that was generous on the dimensions. Yeah, no, it's like, right. Because like, yeah, yeah, right. They're two dimensional. Give me a fucking break. But it's very much like watching a try to do comedy, right because it's gotten the various trappings of comedy It just doesn't have

escalation or punch lines or Empathy surprise, right? Yeah all those other elements that make humor humor, right? It's like a it's like us. It's like a cargo cult of humor. We find empathy and surprise off putting. We're doing the other parts of comedy only. Okay. Okay. So Blayden County, they go in to do the dishes and then there's a knock on the door. And speaking of these fucking, the fucking simulacrum of comedy that this is they enter the door and a guy just pokes an Airhorn a literal airhorn into the room and blows it

I actually did laugh at this because of the like meta thing going on I'm writing like these people can't grasp jokes literally airhorn next like right as I was writing that it was like How about that motherfucker? humor asshole How about that motherfucker? Horny humor asshole. Oh that's not enough? What about silly hat idiot? That's also humor. So that's all we got.

It's the guy with the silly hat. Wacky neighbor. Maybe you've heard of him. He's in a sitcom. Lives next door to the main character. Hello. And the way like the shot is framed and what we see of the neighbor, like this man looks like he escaped from a hospital after a self harm attempt. It's right because he's got weird bandages. Yeah. He's got a bandage. I don't even think it's like it's a wristband

on his wrist. And then he's got like bandage wrapped around his leg. So like it looks like it's a cast and like in the There's a few times when they like pan out far enough where you can see it's not like it's just He just has tape on his leg. I don't know but like it looks like he escaped from a hospital Yeah, the wristband could have been from one of those sweet Friday night clubs in Tulsa with the fire barrels You don't know right? I've been a real life Well, but and I think the taper on his leg or whatever is just he was being goofy. He's like, look, orange hat. How that's fun. And tape. That's not where tape goes on your leg. Right.

But so he busts in and he's like, I just moved in nearby and I'm building a bomb shelter in my yard. That's my personality. I'm worried about New Yorker, girl or war. Right? Yeah. And he of course, he hates communism because it's 1987. Everybody's being patriotic and hating communism. And this guy who's supposed to be like ex military and he's a prepper and he hates communism. He wants a community bomb shelter paid for with literal socialism. He's collecting signatures to build a community bomb shelter where they can all get together and hate communism together. Right. And like, again, poorly or perfectly.

Yep. What? Because today's, there's no line between them, right? Like today's preppers and the rapture people. Yep. Like the rapture people are our preppers. So they would be doing this. Oh, that's interesting.

Yeah. Because this has a very anti-prepper, that's not proper Christian kind of a kind of a overtone to it, doesn't it? Right. And then like, you know, eventually spoiler alert, they decide they need to, you know, save this guy. I'm like, that's actually kind of, again, not a great look for Christians. Yeah, this guy is crazy, but he just moved into the neighborhood and he's already thinking

about his neighbors. Like, right, right. They weren't thinking about him. He wants to save them, keep them safe. Yeah. So also, I have to point this out because they're going to come back to this over and over again for the stupidest possible payoff. The little brother at this point plays a note on his trumpet.

He's learning to play trumpet. And Buford, that's the wacky neighbor, Buford mistakes that for a nuclear strike because nuclear strikes sound like one single badly played trumpet note sometimes. Yeah. Right. Also, also trumpet is the two beat for the air horn three beat that they will humor. Nail it at the end with one other loud noise. Yes. A loud watch.

He has a loud watch for reasons that aren't explained. And that's- Fuck you assholes. Rules of three. That's comedy. We did it. Damn it. You will laugh. I am comedy. They say we did it. Damn it. You will laugh.

So I am. They were right. So, okay. So then we cut to Bible study, right? And this is, okay. Now I guess I have to, I'm talking to my fellow olds here, right? So when you would rent a movie that had been out for a while from the video store, when you would get to the part of the movie where the most people like masturbated to it, there would be like tracking issues, right? Because people

would rewind that and watch it over and over again. So I just, I point that out because at the Bible study scene, there are tracking issues on this. So I just started wondering about what the Christian experience is with movie rentals. They call it super long play. No, they don't. They call it that. They call it that. Yeah, right. Right.

So, so, okay. They're like, I guess Blaine and his buddy Clarence are at Bible study learning about the rapture and how Jesus could show up at any minute. Right? This is the part where I started wondering how much we were triggering the ex evangelicals in our guest, guest them here. Well, this scene, that Bible study scene was so weird because like they mixed in actual youths. And then they have Blaine and his friend there and I'm like and it just looks

creepy because either like lean into it and all just be the same age and pretending to be teen but don't have like actual preteens like sitting right in front of them. The 31 year olds. Yeah, exactly. Right. And then it also like makes it makes them seem dumber, right? Because you're hearing the same message as these 11 and 12 year olds.

Your mind is being blown. Okay. Good point. Yeah. Right. Where were you when you were 11 or 12? So then they head back to Blaine's bedroom. Okay, good point. Yeah, right. Where were you and you were 11 or 12? So then they they head back to Blaine's bedroom his friend Clarence literally sits backwards in the chair

That is just so goddamn youth group. I can't handle it, but they start talking about how great that Bible study was Okay, so they are talking about Bible study the way my friends and I talked about like that weed We smoked the other night, right or whatever. Oh, that was some great weed. They're like, oh man, that was some great Bible study. Holy shit, man. Can we get some more of that? Do you know if your guy has more of that? Have you ever heard anything like that? You should have. Yes! You're 31! But even if we said, like even if we said the premise of the show, right, that he's supposed to be 16 or 17, of course he's heard about Jesus coming back. That's the main thing in your whole fucking religion.

He's like, wait, what? He was coming back on a cross. You say, yeah. So he got renewed for another season. That's how low. But then his friend clearance is like, Oh, hey, I figured out who the Antichrist is. It's Pee Wee Herman. Okay.

Okay. Like I was underestimating some of the prophetic wisdom of fire by night there. That's not bad. That's not bad. If only he'd known about chopping wood. Right? We lost another one. And, but like clearly they're like, you know,

they're just trying to think of the funniest person that you could accuse of being the Antichrist. And this was before the masturbation thing. So they're like, oh, Peewee, you're a Teehee. And then he's like, oh no, you know what? I figured out who it is. The school room that we take math in is room number 666. So it must be the math teacher, Mr. Schnicklegroover. Right. And again, the number 666, this is news to you?

Right. Yes. You didn't know? You just found out about that as well. Yeah. Right. And it has to be this man. First of all, does your high school have six floors? How are these numbers working? Yeah. Right. Yeah. Forget about that. First of all, does your high school have six floors? How are these numbers working? Yeah, right. Yeah. Forget about that.

Why are you guys not the Antichrist? You go in that room too, right? Fair. Fair right. It's not like he chose that room. It was just a sign to him. But apparently that was a joke because they throw a commercial after it. Teachers live in their classrooms. They don't have anywhere else. Oh, do they? Yeah, they don't have anywhere else to go. He was actually born in that classroom. Oh, that's it. I always assume they drove their school buses back and forth from home, but I guess this makes sense. So now we're going to cut to mom and dad. They're in the

living room. Dad is telling an ableist joke about people from Illinois not being as smart as people from Texas. Wow. I didn't even get that. That's what that was? They were too smart, right? Because this was, I thought it was a hit at the liberal elites again. It is. So the joke is that if you have a high school diploma from Illinois, if you go to Texas, you can hang that in your window and you're allowed to park in handicapped places. We are pulling apart the concepts of this dumb sketch show.

Will Hunting with math on glass is crazy. And there's no solutions to anything. I was like, it's, is it? Because I thought again, from this day and age, right? Evangelicals do not like education in general. Right. So I think I was looking at it from this lens, but then like I tried to look at it from 1987's lens, but I'm like, but it doesn't make sense because Illinois and Texas are not close.

So it's not like in California, we might have- It's not like Ohio, Michigan or what? Yeah, right, right I might have a joke about Vegas or like you like your neighboring kind of state but like it's not it's not like common, but you know you People in Illinois are always going to Texas for the weekend, you know and messing stuff up Yeah, so in this show they're supposed to be people from Texas that have moved to the suburbs of Chicago. But yeah, apparently you need that level of backstory on this dumbass sketch within a sketch show sitcom to even get their stupid fucking jokes. But mom doesn't get his joke either, right?

Right. And she's like, I don't get it. And he's like, fuck it. I'm going to read the newspaper. And she's like, really? In the show, you're going to read the newspaper. That's crazy. Because you would think you would just start a scene saying, guess what I read in the

newspaper, but no, we're going to watch you physically bodily read the goddamn newspaper. I don't believe he really read that in the newspaper. All right. We're going to have to get a lot of people in the focus group said they don't believe us. So, but then mom points out, though, that bomb shelters. And this is where we really diverged from the modern

proper evangelical, right? Mom points out that bomb shelters are actually of the devil, since they represent the spirit of fear. Right. Right. And then she couples out with like four other things that grind her gears for a little monologue. No, that are proof that the world has gone to hell in a hand basket. Yes. People are locking their doors.

That's one. There's international terrorism. That's two very equivalent those two things. Weird list so far. Little kids are getting kidnapped all the time. All the time. Can't stop people from kidnapping little kids. Yep. Yup. But there was a fourth, wasn't there? On the exact same level as the previously mentioned things, they keep making horror movies. And they're all sequels and

remakes. Yes. Halloween 10. Yeah. Halloween 10 and Texas chainsaw massacre 13. Yeah, that's what fucking was prophetic, right? Like we are there. No, they did. Yes, we did make Texas chainsaw massacre 13. Nuclear war. They didn't get Jamie Lee Curtis back for some of those Halloweens. I'm angry.

But ultimately, this lands on them realizing that they should go teach Buford the neighbor about Jesus. Which was not their first inclination. Clearly not! Right, like it's taken a while to get to this. And then he even is like, mmm, yeah, great! Yes, he hemmed and haws, is like, mmm Yeah, right. Yes He's in a Haws, but I don't know if he's got the fucking orange hat and the air horn kind of a kind of a prick

Is he one of those? typically atheist Military veteran preppers from the 1980s in America and hate communism. Yes, right, right exactly What the fuck are they even going for? Alright. Well now that Buford's immortal soul hangs in the balance, I suppose we have high enough stakes to take another break. But first let me give Act 3 the hard sell. Will Buford find Jesus?

Will the show forget to tell us? Will they in fact abandon that plot line mid-sentence? Find out the answers to those questions and more when we return for the deGarmo and keytastic conclusion of Fire By Night, Episode 6. Alright everybody, welcome back to the Writers' Room. So the family first episode, it still needs some work. We're looking to find some humor in the interaction with the prepper guy who has the bomb shelter, like some interaction for real.

Love it. Loud. Horns are so funny. Yeah, okay, see that's what I'm getting at. So far it's just a guy who makes loud noises, like air horn. Yup, yeah, like that, like that. But I'm thinking we can explore the dynamic a bit more like maybe I don't know. Maybe the prepper guy has a family too. Oh

Maybe the prepper has a kid. Yes. Yeah, there you go. Okay, great. Let's explore that. It's got a kid and maybe the kid Plays the trumpet I mean like the other kid plays the trumpet. Um, I mean like the other kid plays, but sure. Yeah, I guess. Okay. Class, rule of threes.

Nailed it. Also a horn. Yeah, okay, yeah, no, that's also a horn. Technically that was three. Yes, rule of threes, but let's go deeper into the characters. That's what I'm getting at. What if the prepper guy has a wife too?

Then he's like, my wife. My wife. My wife. My wife. Too many Blaine. And you ruined it. Sorry. Sorry. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Just no instincts. And we're back for still more of this shit and we're going to rejoin the action in Blaine's bedroom with Clarence coming humorously skittering into the room, having now calculated exactly when the rapture will happen. Yeah. He allegedly did a bunch of math, I guess. And some other sciences, they list a bunch of ology words because lists are jokes. But he did the math, so there's like calculator tape

involved, like the paper from 80s calculators. But he's got it hanging off his head. It's actually an adding machine if it's got paper, but yes. There you go. He's got it hanging off his head, like from his sideburn area, like it's peyus. Yes. And that's not a good look for this, I'm pretty sure, anti-Semitic show full of an anti-Semitic

cast and writers. And it was too similar to be accidental. This was absolutely what he was going for. Yeah. Okay, like maybe it's an accidental hate crime if we give him like the biggest benefit of the doubt, but that counts as an accidental hate crime. Don't do those either. And cause like what even, what calculations were you doing?

Well he asks him that. Geology. Yes. Geology. Zoology. Trigonometry. That's the first one that makes any sense. Yes.

That's the only math related one at all because then it's Bible doctrines. You did zoology calculations? Lord, give me a cosign. Now don't go out of fun a tangent. Oh, well done. Like, bring these math jokes. Our fucking audience, they're loving the math jokes. Okay, and so I should point out, so this show doesn't have a laugh track or a live studio

audience, but in my mind, it does have a live studio audience and they're having as much fun as we are, right? Because every time they say a joke, there's just this eerie silence that seems weird in a like 80s sitcom environment, except that their jokes are so unfunny. It doesn't. So, and they were wondering, like I was like looking at what's Blaine's character's name, Doug? Yeah, Doug.

Yeah. Was he riding with a quill? What the fuck was, it was 11 feet long. Yes. What was he doing? I think I think it was just like I'm trying to be zany things. So he put this long thing on his pen or whatever. But yeah, yeah. It's an oversized pen. It's bigger than a regular pen. It's funny.

Air horn. Yeah. Right. So but yes, but Clarence has figured out that the second coming is going to happen this coming Thursday at 415 p.m. Right. So, but yes, but Clarence has figured out that the second coming is going to happen this coming Thursday at 4 15 p.m. Right. So, okay. So now we have mom and dad, they go to visit Buford in his bomb shelter. And what they have done to create this bomb shelter is they have laid a door on the ground in Ed's backyard. That's the bomb shelter. They open the door right there. We're seeing it from the side. So they opened the door, right? And those lazy motherfuckers that play mom and dad didn't even bother to do the stairs behind the couch bit on their way down. Are you canoeing into the bomb shelter? Come on. Doesn't even make sense. And in the background, like it's clear, like they did not clear this set.

Cause there's someone in the house in the back and they like wander into the frame. Yes. You see them in the sliding glass door and then they're like, Oh, disappear. But it's like, okay, so it was useless. You guys didn't have to go through these moats and trenches that you claim you did. You could have just come through the house. Yeah, right. So yeah, so but but then they so they get into the bomb shelter, they take the ladder into the bomb shelter. We don't see a ladder. We trust them. There was a ladder. And then so they go to talk to Buford. Buford shows up to be wacky and zany. He gives him helmets to wear

Bombs and dad keeps trying to say hey, we're here to tell you about and then he keeps cutting them off I know what you're here to tell me about so they do that bit for oh Most of my life. I just like enough of it that it's gonna come up as a percentage as I die I'm gonna think about how much of it I spent watching this fucking scene. One out of seven minutes of my life. Was either this watching the scene, talking about the scene or thinking about watching or talking about this scene. Yeah. I know what you're here to tell me.

I know what you want to talk about. Oh, God. And to give you an idea just how lazily done this is, right? One of the things he thinks is, oh, you're here to pick up your picket signs for the protest we're doing at City Hall until they build us our community bomb shelter. I'll give you your pick of funny picket signs. So he pulls out these three and they're not they didn't even make picket signs, right? They're just like eight by 11 pieces of paper on which they've written non funny slogans. Okay.

That one just says six, six, six over and over. I don't know. So yeah. So, but finally they shut them up long enough for mom to say, Hey, you know, you don't have to worry about nukes, you know, in a New York, a regular war. And he goes, what are you some kind of communist? And she goes, no, I'm a Christian. Let me tell you about believing in Jesus.

Right. We've been talking past each other for a while. I really got to get this under control. Here's the plot now. Yeah. Yeah, right Taking shots at commies, right? And like those signs literally says have you shot a commie today? Jesus did it was the 80s was a weird time to be around. Yes, it did. Yeah, it was a weird time

But yeah, so they say they sit Buford down like, let me tell you about my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Now, once upon a time, and then the whole thing fades out, right? It's like, this is, this is the big moment. That's the point of the show and your lives. We cannot bore the people with this. Guys, I got the perfect button to the sketch. It's going to be, let's talk about Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Right. No, I'm done.

I cut. We cut there. Right. We will never see Buford again. We will never hear them talk about Buford again. We're done with Buford now. Maybe he comes back in episode seven, and I'm not sure. But meanwhile, the kids are talking about how Clarence has gone a little rapture crazy,

right? So we get, we get Blaine Bartel and his wife slash sister. It's like Heath wrote this or something. What? And they're talking about like, wow, Clarence has really gotten carried away with all of this rapture stuff. Right? Mm-hmm. And it's one of these weird moments because we get these a lot in Christian media where basically the message is, yeah, this stuff is true, but don't live your life as though it's true though, because that won't work.

Yeah. That's also like, so you guys are six episodes deep into this. Have the storylines like been building on each other? Nope. Nope. No. It's episodic. I have no idea.

I don't know. Maybe? It is purely episodic. This is also like a weird thing that Christians do because they don't want, they never want to be the bad guy. They never want to be the villain. They never want to be the bad guy, they never want to be the villain, they never want to be wrong, right? If this is your family sitcom

and these are your main characters, why is this friend carrying like the main storyline, right? But they can't have actual Doug or Connie, the actual kids in this family really wrestle with something. Like they can't look bad. It has to be the wacky friend. Yeah, exactly. And it's like that in every episode. Like I think probably four of the six episodes we've seen have been somehow centered around Clarence doing a dumb thing and everyone else in the family knowing that it's dumb. And like really genuinely, you've hit

on it exactly after only watching one episode, but in every one of these shows, there was one where Clarence was the star quarterback for the high school football team, and there was one where he was the prom king, and there was one where his penis was actually a very good size and almost too big. It's just like every one of these, it's just this ego-king bullshit out of this guy and, and, and him never being remotely wrong about anything. It's like he wants to be the son and the dad in this sitcom. Right? So, yeah. So Clarence put together like a rapture club at the high school and it's going a little too hard with it. So the point, the point of the sketch or this moment within their sitcom, sorry, apologies

all around your sitcom. This moment is roasting a slightly more crazy version of their actual crazy. Their thing, yes. The joke is the difference between believing in a magical apocalypse with scorpion horse locusts. The difference between that and believing in exactly that same thing, but being a little more chill about it. That's the difference.

It's believing this magical bullshit or believing this magical bullshit on Thursday. That's the difference that they're supposed to be like, well, he's so silly to believe that. Guys, the poison Kool-Aid was a bit gauche with the Jim Jones people, right? Just get some matching Nikes and relax. Those people are crazy. The whole like, the whole experience of Christianity, however, is very similar to that, where you'll have one church that believes in a post-millennial tribulation and another one that believes in a pre-millennial

tribulation. And on each side of that debate, they believe that they're wrong and that the other ones are going to hell because they believe wrongly. Yes. You know? And so it's, this show is so twisted in the way it, in what it makes fun of because it's like, but that's like literally exactly what you do in your churches. You know?

It's very strange. Yeah. And it's like, who is this? Who is this for? For. Yeah. And it's like, who is this? Who is this for? Four. Yeah. Because... It's for us.

Clarence and Doug, at their big ages, right, just found out about the rapture, apparently. Right. Do they think the teens gathered around the fire by night barrel in the alley. They are also just now being introduced to the concept of 666 and the rapture and all these things. And the fear is that they're immediately going to think they can figure out when it is. And like, this is the danger. This is the thing we have to warn about. Because you could have just as easily had the guy in the Bible study say, no one knows when it's going to be. So don't even try that.

Yeah, right. Like, why are we doing this? Why are we going through this hole? Because who has actually done this? So, but I think the underlying message as is so often the case in these things is like, look, you have to say that this is true and that you believe it. But as soon as you start living your life as though it's true, it's going to fuck you up, right? Because they say, dude, Jesus, all things are possible, but oh, God, don't live your life as though that's true, right?

Like with, you know, if you ask with, I don't remember how they say it, but if you ask with perfect certainty in your heart or whatever, God will always, there's some fucking saying they have about that, right? But oh God, don't live your life as though that's true. And they also say like, the rapture's coming any minute, but hey, still put money in your 401k, right? And I think that's so much of this message, right? It's just like, yes, act like this is true, but don't act like this is true, you know?

Yeah. Also, if you want to do like a reverse IRA and tithe with it So Clarence and his buddies are convinced that the Rapture is about to happen and like I don't like they're all just so Just like laissez-faire about it, right? like My friends if it like we just had a sketch about this kid being terrified about the rapture happening, never seeing his parents again, whatever. But these bozos are going to somebody else's house.

Not one of them live there, but this is where you want to spend your final moments. That's interesting. Yeah. Why would they be in fucking Blaine's house? That's interesting. It didn't even occur to me. Yeah. So they're counting down. They're like five, four, three, two, one. And what's okay. So what's amazing

about this is that the genesis of our first podcast, Heath and I's first podcast is that we were in New York City on the day that Harold Camping said that the world was going to end. Right. And all of his acolytes went to New York City and stood on Fifth Avenue. We worked on Fifth Avenue. So like we were there and we watched them watch the rapture not happen. It was the absolute best. Oh, so much fucking fun. There was like a thunderstorm for like a little bit of a second and they were like, here it comes. Okay, cleared right up.

Yeah, there's a little light rain and then it started to rain and they were like, oh, here comes the and then the rain backed off and they were like, well, shit. But this is this. Why is that guy skateboarding past us with his with double birds? What's happening there? Please stop filming. But yeah, but then but this here's this TV show and going, can you imagine Christians doing that? That'd be pretty silly, wouldn't it?

I'm like, I don't have to imagine it. It's burned into my memory forever. Right. So yeah, right when they count it down to the little kid who's learning the trumpet blows the trumpet, right? Like in the rapture. That joke paid off. Oh my God. Yes.

Worth it. Solid. We had to pave our way through three and a half miles of virgin Amazon forest for that stupid fucking joke. And that's all it was. God. Chekhov's, Gabriel's, Trumpet. Fucking Naked.

Yes. Read that in Sid Field, assholes. And then the dad says, you know, Jesus says no one knows which hour in which hour it'll come or whatever the fuck the quote is. And they're like, Oh, huh. And then that fucking show ends that I did not the what we're watching doesn't end, but that the show within the show ends.

But here's the thing is that it's such a weird, abrupt ending and they left the Buford thing unresolved. So I didn't realize that it ended. And that becomes really significant because the next thing that we get is this artsy music video. Right? So where you see like, you know, clouds and an hourglass and shit. And I'm just like, what the fuck is going on with family first? Now I'm trying to make up, send a message here, but no, this is a new fucking another way stupid goddamn songs that were and it's the dad from the show that we just watched with his painted on beard singing the song.

So I was like, is that wait, yeah, that just added to the confusion. So like, yeah, did it in? Wait, does this guy just walk around like this all the time? That wasn't makeup. Like this is always that really is? Oh my god. He's got it tattooed on like Tammy Faye's eye makeup or something. But no. So you're sure that family first episode ended? It did end. It's like we don't get any more of it. Or did it? Are we the episode guys? But yeah, so the music starts and there's like a news broadcast underneath and it sounds all raptury. There is a very clear undercurrent to this entire episode that the Soviet Union is definitely the Antichrist and will definitely usher in

the end times in this 1987 TV show. Yeah. So, but they, they so they sing a little bit. So little happened in this video, I felt like I wasn't doing my job at a certain point. It's just dude walks around amid cuts of things running out. That's the whole video. Yeah. It's supposed to be like the rapture is about to happen and we're getting the story of one guy who's not sure. So it starts with him just in a dark apartment by himself doing like atheist anxiety space work, I'm sure is what the direction says.

Yeah, right. And then we see Gabriel about to blow the doomsday trumpet, but not quite yet to give us, you know, that context. And Gabriel's behind a scrim. So we just see the shadow of Gabriel with the trumpet. So to be clear, the Archangel Gabriel set up a scrim and a spotlight? Or was he shower with dad. That would be a twist. That's what he was doing in the closet. Okay. Oh, the closet was, it was a euphemism for

his gay relationship with Gabriel the whole time guys at all. This is actually in the tribulation the whole time. Yeah, right. Right. So, okay. But and also, so as this video is going on we should point out too, the singer keeps popping out of funnier and funnier parts of the scenery. We're convinced that he's going to Oscar the grouch's way out of a trash can before it's over, right? This whole thing, like, I assume, no, I know it is wonderful to be a white man at any time. Sure is. But, like... Yeah, it's so easy.

I got to tell you, it is so fucking easy. It's crazy. And you're saying that in 2025, like 1987, every area has had its problems and whatever, whatever. But like, they had to manufacture all of this because what exactly were white men afraid of in 1987? Right, what else could they be afraid of other than each other, yeah? What about that era was giving days of Noah? Listen, we'll find a fucking fear.

If there's not an obvious one, we'll find something less obvious. That's our thing. Like, go back and watch Fight Club, a movie where the literal message is is that I find my job boring and unfulfilling. That's the whole our thing. Like, go back and watch Fight Club, a movie where the literal message is that I find my job boring and unfulfilling. That's the whole goddamn thing.

And that's an existential crisis. And no one has ever suffered such a lot. No, so yeah, right. It's just the worst things have ever been for anybody, said the white man in 1996 or whenever that came out. Yeah. I hate my job. My kid steals my car.

You know what? God, wrap this up. I hate my job. My kid steals my car. You know what? God, wrap this up. I cannot do this anymore. Can't handle it. Yeah. So, and then in the video, the good guy who's been walking around the whole time, who isn't the singer, he chats with an unhoused person who then gives him a gun. I think he's supposed to be talking this guy out of committing suicide.

I don't know. I, no idea. Which like, how is the rapture not suicide? And how is like, like again, these white men are like, we got to get out of here. I cannot handle it. It's days of Noah. It's too much. It's too bad. But you, unhoused man, don't kill yourself. Yeah. It's not that bad really when you think about it. It's not like you have an unfulfilling job or anything. You don't know pain, sir.

Very confusing. The main guy doing the atheist anxiety space work, I guess, he's like, okay, now I found Jesus now and it's like 1159. I saw in the clock metaphor in this video. So I got to go find a rando and convert him at the last second because that's the right thing to do. Oh, is that what he was doing? Okay.

All right. But yeah, no, you make a good point. It is like you should deconvert. Otherwise right. But yeah, no, you make a good point. It is like you should de-convert. Otherwise it is suicide. Right. Because like the only way to stay alive is to not be Christian in this moment. Oh, yeah. Right. Oh, wow. Very complicated.

Want to get a fucking theologian on that because what else are they going to fucking do with their time? It's OK. So that but that video ends and then Blaine shows up to slow things down again. He tells us about the biblical signs of the second coming. And I love this so much. We're running long on the episode, so I probably can't go into all this, but I have a whole fucking outline in my notes of how stupid his goddamn speeches, but he goes through like the signs that Jesus gave that the rapture was coming, right? Sign number one was a great deception, cults and false teachers. So other religions will exist. That was sign number

one. And Blaine is like, you know, Hey, maybe you've noticed Buddhism. So black Sabbath refuses to do a song about it. It was invented in the 80s, wasn't it? Well, you see, clearly, yeah. Is it 1986? It's fairly new. Yeah. He says, well, you know, I actually met a guy one time that claimed to be Jesus. And that's a false teacher right there. I swear that's what he fucking says.

Right. That's actually the example he gives. Like, I met a guy who was wrong once. So Jesus nailed that. Right. No, but he says, well, he said when he, I met a guy who was wrong once, so Jesus nailed that. Right? No, but he says it when he said, when I was a youth pastor. So it sounds like it's somebody who's like, come in to see him. He's like, this guy said he was Jesus. And I tell you right now, he wasn't. Like, we were like, was he? Yeah. He's got to clarify. And to be clear, he was not, he actually wasn't Jesus at all.

Hold on, hold on. Let him cook. I want that. And he says, okay, so number two, Jesus said there would be famine. And I'm like, which has always existed, but exists less now than in any other point in history. Right. But I guess 1987, they were, there was a lot of famine in the news in Africa,

right? So it was like heavy in the news cycle, right? So he's like, there's famine, huh? And then number three, Jesus said there would be pestilences. And he actually says, and I quote, the Webster's dictionary defines pestilence as, right? So the laziest possible intro, but then the the definition doesn't line up with what he wants to talk about right he says it's some of bugs and shit but what I would I wanted to talk about AIDS I think AIDS is a pestilence a with god fucking dictionary says it's about bugs god damn no what's crazy so him and and Ron loose do this like I'm like, they are, they are anchorman-ing.

They are just looking at the cue cards and they do not understand context. They do not know how these sentences are supposed to go. Like they are just saying the words because he's at Webster's Dictionary defines pestilence as, and what he says about disease, that is actually the definition. Right. So he's actually giving the correct definition, but he makes it sound like the dictionary said something else, and this is what it actually is. Yeah, right, right.

Don't say this part, look pensive and concerned. Can we go back? And yeah, I guess there's no going back, right? These are one takes all the time. One take. One take. We don't have the budget for this. So we're just going to go with it.

And he goes, he goes like, and you know, he's talking about AIDS and we're like, oh God, please don't talk about AIDS. And he's like, it's like AIDS and the homosexuals. And you're like, oh God, Jesus, blade stop, man. Stop. But he doesn't. He's got a few words. He gives us some stats on how deadly AIDS is for the homosexuals.

For the homosexuals. And then it's so weird. The whole American evangelicals just have this main character syndrome all the time. Mm-hmm. Right. So it's like, yeah, stuff gets bad here. But we have never had it the time. Right? So it's like, yeah, stuff gets bad here, but like we have never had it the worst. Right? Like, people's worlds are ending every single day. And so even the signs that they're pointing to, right? Like famine, that's not happening to us. Right. Aids, it's the homosexuals. That's not happening to you. So it's like Jesus is

concerned about these things happening in these other places, but not the people in those places. Clearly. And none of this is happening to you, but Jesus has like got to rush back to get you out of here before it touches you. Right. And yeah, consider how insidious that really is, right? Because what they're doing is they're claiming the trauma of some other group of people and making it about themselves. They're like, you know, all of those famines in Africa, that's Jesus using those starving human beings as a signal to us to get ready

for the shit that's going down. To us. Yeah. And that's because like, again, you know, earlier when she was listing all the terrible things that have happened and are happening, like'm like, this is so white, right? Because international terrorism, getting kidnapped all the time. So Jesus just like looked at slavery and was like, Oh, yeah.

Oh, well. Well, it depends on how hard you hit them, you know? Yeah. Above my pay grade. That's not, that doesn't really concern me, right? But again these white people in 1987 none of this is happening to you. But now Jesus is Super concerned all of these terrible things have actually happened in your nation by your hand

Right on your ground, but none of it. none of that was signs for the rapture. Yeah. Yeah. None of that happened to the white folks. Yeah. Right. So, but, and so also he talks about earthquakes, right? And he goes, sure. You might say that there have always been earthquakes, but what if I lie about how many there are? Yeah. He gives these insane numbers, right? He says in the 16th century, there were 115 earthquakes. And I'm like, no, what the fuck there were? This is so God damn it. There were 22,000. And he goes, in the 17th century, there were 253. I'm like, what the fuck? Where are you

getting these numbers? In the 18th century, there was 378. I'm like, why are your numbers so exact? This is so fucking weird. But he's trying to show that there's this increase in earthquakes, which is just, no, no there isn't. What? I feel like maybe we got better at measuring those at a certain point throughout history. Is there any chance and more people in more places to tell us about? Is that worldwide? Are you, are we talking about America, a state?

What are the magnitudes of these? Oh my god, so that's exactly what it is And it's so stupid that my brain wasn't even able to get there until Heath said it That's the no like he will he went and looked at a list of known historical earthquakes and counted them clearly Oh my god, that's so fucking funny That is a level of stupid that I did not give Blaine Bartel credit for. Wow. Right.

That's so fucking funny. Do you know how many more computers there are in the 20th century than any of the other centuries? That's a sign. We have more cell phones too. But to be clear, even if you give him his thing, which is a stupid lie, that means God was doing like a slow roll on the earthquakes for a dramatic build as a sign. For 500 years.

Yes. Yes. He's like, let me kill. I'm going to kill a few people in the 17th century so that Blaine Partell can really get some impact with the point he's making. Wow. And then he says, finally, Jesus also said that there would be an outpouring of the spirit and what doesn't mean anything at all. So we can say that's happening. That's

free. They have to let you. And then he started and he closes off. He wants to talk about Samson. Now I'm going to need your help. So what the fuck the point was here? He says, you know, he says, you know, Samson saw more dead Philistines in the last hour of his life than the whole life leading up to that, which is just like our church. What? So confusing. And also, not to be that guy, right? But Samson due to the eye gouging Samson that famous seer of things at the end of his life. Yeah. Well done. Well done But even if if he if he did see the philistines Janus, what would that mean?

Like what is the parallel that we're supposed to be going for? I feel like you're the only one qualified to answer. The Samson with those pillars. Was that one of the earthquakes? Does that count? In the seventh century BC. Yeah. Oh, it was only the one earthquake. Does he try to do like a numerology thing for a second here to connect it?

Because I think he says Samson's story, he was in the church for 20 years in the Bible story and that's just like how there's been, I don't know, like 2000 years since Jesus approximately. What? Because, because the number 20 is a lot like the number 2000. It has to the same digits? Two out of every four numbers in the number 2000 are 20. So, okay, so that now it's time for him to pray with us. Right. We're getting towards the end.

And he says, I swear you, this is a literal fucking quote. He says, God wants to use you, young person. That's so close to fellow youth. Fellow youth. Come on. Right. My hip cats. This guy gets it. My skibbity rizzles. Yes. Yeah, right. Right. My hip cats. This guy gets it. My skibbity rizzles. Yes. Yeah, right. Right. No cap.

But now it's altar call time. We get the altar call and then Garmo starts fucking or he starts singing at us again. I don't know. Christians all look the same to me. And then the but the message of this song, though, which goes on for an interminable amount of time seems to be Jesus, am I right? It's a praise song, which just means that he's just singing hallelujah. How about that Jesus over and over again?

Yeah, that's Christian music. It's Christian worship music. That's what it's supposed to be. Yeah. And they're all dressed in white as if to exacerbate my I'm in an asylum and only think I'm podcasting fears. But they're wearing the sunglasses of Satan. Oh, sure.

Sure. Yeah, they're wearing those crazy oversized like white jackets from the 80s, the blazers like that. They look like doctors though. You know, like it looks like coats because they're insane and too big. Yeah. Look like Geico cavemen dressed up as doctors. And at one point they jump up in the air and they try to do this like this cut or whatever

where suddenly there's a choir behind them and we were reminded of how hard that was to do before they could do with computers. Okay. I laughed a lot when they would they accidentally do a full choir pop scare kind of by accident. Yes. And they all have sunglasses. All of a sudden there's this huge choir in there. And then we get to see the choir and it's like it's some of them are kind of like

not that excited about it. It's like a flash mob that's kind of meh kind of like, not that excited about it. It's like a flash mob that's kind of meh after like a few bars of the flash mob. It's just like, yeah, hallelujah, Christ is coming. I don't know, this is really long. Here we go. Also, like in the, in the previous, in the 666 floppy disk video, sunglasses is how you knew somebody was working for the Antichrist.

Right? That's how we knew the cops were in on it. Right, right. And this whole choir's wearing sunglasses. So they, I don't know, maybe his altar car redeemed sunglasses? That's it. That's it. Those are ours now. Yeah, they went back and saved the the the Antichrist cops from the previous video now. Somebody had to do it. But also, I think they were they were just like these people have dead eyes. Like Samson, am I right?

Yes. Oh, so OK, so then that video ends. Blaine begs us to tune in again next month when they're going to be discussing the quote truth about rock and roll music. So, yeah, I'm like, yes, I will blame. I will. And apparently now I've got to go check out a choir of the fire with Ron Loose as well. You added that to my list.

Oh, and then they end the fucking video by selecting the winner of their raffle from a box that I guarantee only had the one piece of paper in the envelope folded up. The winner is Lala land. And, uh, no, the winner is Carl who dreams of someday being on Muskogee vice. So I had no idea what that, that was, but now I know. Right. Right. Yeah. So, but will Carl make it on the Muskogee vice?

I guess you'll have to tune in when we do episode seven to find out. Well, that's good to do it for the episode, but Janice, Melanie, thank you so much for playing along with us today. It's been so much fun having you on the show. Thanks for having us. Yeah, thank you. It's been a blast. Also, well, glad you enjoyed it, because it's really it's always an uphill battle for us, right, because you have to watch the movie before you're on the show. So we're like, we always know we've we're catching people

already kind of pissed at us. So it's a quick reminder, if our listeners wanted to hear more from you, where should they go? Tell us a little bit about your show. So look up bad words. Yeah, my I kind of got rid of my social media persona. So you can't really find me as a person on the internet. Well not on social media right now, but you can find me on my website, JaniceLegata.com, and from there it will link to all the various and sundry things that I am doing. Awesome.

Awesome. Because, and because just Googling bad words is as likely to bring me up as her, I will have all of that linked in the show notes as well. And while that does it for our review of Fire By Night Episode 6, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to turn yet another cheek. So Heath, tell us what's on deck? We're going to be watching Praise Band the Movie. It's a movie about a praise band, I'm pretty sure. One would assume, yeah. Okay. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring Episode 5 10 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Janice and Melanie for suffering alongside us

today. Be sure to check the show notes to hear more from them and perhaps even huge thanks to all the Patreon owners that help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com. Got off on there by earning early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Scathing Atheist, Citation Needed, D&D Minus, and The Skeptical Guide, available wherever podcasts live. If you have you have questions comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email got all from movies and gmail.com Tim Roberts takes care of our social media Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik and Floodraffs on Mars all the other musicals written and performed by our audience

Your Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check your life this week for Heath Enright, Neelay Bosnik I'm an illusionist property to work harder to earn the check next week until then we'll leave you with the American graffiti clothes the chain next week until then we'll leave you with the American graffiti clothes. Blaine Bartel went on to watch porn in a hotel room immediately develop a debilitating addiction in his head and get divorced. That'll happen in real life. That 666 floppy disk went on to be thrown out the window by a nice young man named Tom, and picked up by a glitchy cyborg named Mark Zuckerberg. Oh no! MySpace Tom.

Nice. Family first went on to be stolen by Kurt Cameron and turned into a Christian sitcom. Oh shit. Degarmo's mullet eventually grew so large that his muscles could no longer bear the weight, ultimately snapping his neck. He is survived by that mullet, which lives in Franklin, Tennessee. This content is canned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4255 or on their website at creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the Thunderstorm LLC, copyright

2025, all rights reserved.