God Awful Movies - 511: Praise Band

Episode Date: June 17, 2025

This week, guest masochist Ryan Bailey joins us to review Praise Band, the story of absolutely nothing. But at least there's constant Christian music though. --- Check out more from Ryan on his show, So Bad It's Good. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/ Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

Bettering your business takes working with the best. With the James Hardy Alliance, you gain access to leads, training, networking, and support from the number one brand of siding in North America. Achieve new levels of success by joining the James Hardy Alliance today. Then we cut over to Matt. He's packing up for the move. His mom and dad are seeing him off, desperate to get access to their f**k dungeon, I guess. to Matt, he's packing up for the move. His mom and dad are seeing him off, desperate to get access to their f**k dungeon, I guess. Yeah, wait, wait, when he's leaving, like a waterbed delivery gets delivered. Yeah, exactly.

Right, right. I wanted Matt to circle back for something that he forgot and they're already costumed up and oiled up. Right, yeah. Couple from Craigslist is already there. What's this bowl for keys, mom? God awful movie. Welcome back to the GAMCast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema without even being sentenced to do it.

I'm your host, Noah Lujansson, sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend Heath Enright. Heath, welcome back. We got god-awful music and movies at the same time. Very excited. Yeah, all the mediums mushing together. And sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick.

Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm fantastic, Noah. Let's do this thing. And we're also excited to welcome in a guest masochist who's new to God awful movies, but no stranger to awful movies. Ryan Bailey is the host of the So Bad It's Good podcast, a daily podcast about the best and worst that entertainment has to offer. Ryan, welcome to the show.

Thank you for having me. also screw you guys this is awesome yeah it sure was did you not love this yeah it turns out I didn't love it unless I was just tired but I this one didn't loop around yeah it didn't speak to me I feel like we have in this simulation more than ever yeah there are moments in this I'm gonna talk about them when we get to the review There are so many moments in this movie where I'm like this was written by aliens Like no human being wrote these words down or thinks this is how people interact This was filmed before the takeover of AI as well

So that shocked me because this seems like an AI written movie. Yeah, we can't even blame chat. GBT one. Right. It almost has to be an alien artificial stupidity. Maybe they had that back in 2008. So fill us all in. Tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Praise Band, the movie called Praise Band. It's the story of getting the youths on board with Jesus using skibbity rock and roll dance and music.

It's pretty great. Sort of, to the extent that it's the story of anything. It's convincing a church to allow a guitar in the building. It's the whole fucking topic. Which is a Jewish instrument. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love catching up with your demented relatives, but you wish they had to rely on their B material, you will love this movie.

It's the, oh, grandma, that's someone on the other line. I'm going to have to call you back of movies. Yep, sure is. Like half the movie is landline phone calls about mundane details. So much. And Ryan, we've already touched on this, but was this so bad that it was going to do this, do the Pac-Man board loop around or was this just bad? No, this is so bad, it's bad. I mean, there's an element,

depending on how you watch movies, that I'm like, I was finding some good in it, and I watched so much reality TV, that this was refreshing in a sort of pseudo way, but it almost makes you feel like you potentially died while watching it, and this is some sort of penance, or that you're in some kind of after world.

Yeah, honestly, if this movie is the Christian hell, it makes a ton of sense, right? Because this movie is the Christian hell, it makes a ton of sense. Yeah. Because this movie is definitely the hell I deserve. I kept waiting for things to happen or some kind of like, and it just shows how messed up my mind is that I kept going like, oh my God, he's going to cheat on that girl with that girl. And then nothing happened. No.

Nothing ever happened. There's no, you kept thinking like, oh, well surely this is the love interest to someone. No, nothing. Yeah. That piano lady. I was like, Oh, that's going to ruin her marriage. And it doesn't. Nothing happens in this movie. I thought for sure that's what was going to happen. Nare a conflict be introduced that it was not immediately resolved. Oh, it's just amazing. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? It's just amazing. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I'm gonna go with best worst

Naming a key for a song. Oh, you were living you were living about this I was furious as the son of a music teacher. I was especially furious So there's like an audition moment for the church praise band and these two women come in and they're gonna sing like some kind Of him and they tell the piano player. they're like give me a G flat and like okay Technically yeah F sharp G flat But like it would be F sharp if there's if you're gonna have a song in a major key Which you are almost every it would be F sharp major So you don't have C flat in that you would spell it F sharp. So stupid.

Well, this got really nerdy. This got really, you're talking really like this is, this is intent. Was I supposed to know music knowledge? Nope. No, don't worry. Don't worry. Major would be a crazy way to spell that. That's like asking for a C flat.

C flat would be in that skin. It's crazy. Yep. So, okay. So, I was going to go with best, worst tight shots. So, there are several shots in this movie where clearly they got all their equipment in there and they're like, well, shit, there's not really room for the lights and the camera here. So, we have these absurdly tight shots of rooms where there's never any reason for it. Very claustrophobic feel. I had some fun with those.

You feel really selfish to see a whole face by the end of this movie. I'm going to go with best worst plot resolution. This movie introduces so many plot points it doesn't resolve. It may count as a prequel for loss. I think it just automatically is a Cloverfield film. My last seven notes were just what about blank? It felt like, you know how like when you watch a fucking like a Marvel movie or a prequel or something there's a bunch of shit that they like it's fan service shit that they have to find a

way to stick this character into it or whatever. That's what this movie felt like. Yes. Right. Was this not,, is this not a Marvel movie? I thought this was Iron Man. I had no... Holy crap. Yeah, we just answered a lot of questions. It is better than the last couple of Marvel movies. So this is all coming together.

It's about Tide. So did you have a best worst for us, Ryan? Yeah, mine is Tide. My best worst is like best worst portrayal of homeless people. It's a very interesting portrayal of the homeless man that gets his guitar stolen, but gets a Bible and then all of a sudden they give him an electric guitar and he starts wailing on it and he starts dressing like Michael McDonald in the 80s. And then also best worst usage of like just shots that like will go on two beats longer than they need to in terms of like the scene is over, but they won't cut the scene.

And they do that with the entrance as well. Like the beginning of scenes, like you'll see a full walk to the phone to answer the phone instead of just starting with answering the phone. It's like a picky little thing. But I was like, are they are they trying to get like 90 minutes to two hours in this? They could cut this way down. Yes. How did he get to the phone? Okay. He's walking. I've seen him eat one bowl of cereal, but will he eat another bowl of cereal? When he pours the cereal, he only pours like, like just a couple nuggets of cereal. That, I mean, there were just little things like that, that

annoyed me. Yeah. The thing is, honestly, I think after fucking 510 of these movies, we're numb to a lot of that shit. We're so used to the scene starting too early and poor Christian actors having to do impromptu space work with them that like, I don't even think I see that anymore.

So it's so nice to have that. You're there to be the eyes of the people, Ryan. You're the eyes of the people. I'm with you on the cereal though like this guy's eating 11 checks And then he's yeah milk on it get the fuck out of here that I mean by the way I he's suffering like Jesus did and that It really I mean it shook me in that this was like visual melatonin in a sense where I Mean I was just kind of shocked at how deadened

all of the performances were. And you know, they all seem like nice people. I mean, the whole thing was just very shocking to me. I thought, like it's hard to determine. I thought this was a sketch at first, and then I was like, oh, this is a real thing. Yep. Oh yeah. All right. Well, nothing's going to happen in this movie.

So we might as well pad the runtime with some sketches and shit, but we'll be back in a minute anyway with all the plot anticipation that is... Praise Band. I would say it was fourth grade when I got chunky. More like fifth for me. Hmm, I see. Hey, hey guys, what are you doing?

Oh, hey Noah, we're just unloading our childhood trauma onto Ryan. They really are. Oh, alright, why? Look, no, we'd love to build a friendship with Ryan on a regular time scale, but we're short on time this summer, so we gotta skip ahead. They locked me in a closet with them to simulate college. It's true. We did.

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Thanks. So, so how did you guys simulate college in a closet? Mostly bong rips. Yeah, a lot of bong rips. A lot of those. And sandoes. Where am I? All right, everyone. Welcome to the first ever Writers Room meeting for Praise Band. first ever writers room meeting for praise band. So I'm obviously super excited to tell the world our story. Yeah. So what is that story? Yeah. We joined the church when you guys were already there. All right. So buckle in. Oh boy. So pastor James decided to praise band might be good for the church, right? Yeah, yeah. And so he. Hi, so you hired me. And then, well, and then I had auditions.

OK, and everybody who auditioned made the band and then we had a praise band. Oh, oh, you're done. Is that are you done? Is that the whole story? No, well, no, there's, um, I also, I had to move out of my parents' house. You were still living with your parents? I was only 24 and also a conflict here. My long distance girlfriend was, you know, she was kind of not psyched about it, to say the least.

Oh, okay. Did she break up with you or? Oh, no, no. Okay, so you want to make that story into a movie. Well, it's going to be a Christian movie. Oh, that's fine. Honestly, better than most movies. Yeah, no.

Oh, Mark also fought with his wife. Oh, yeah's fine. Honestly, better than most movies. Yeah, no. Oh, Mark also fought with his wife. Oh, yeah, it definitely include that. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up on one of history's least convincing rabble rabble rabbles because they don't have enough people really for a cacophony of voices unless all four of those people are talking to each other at once and loudly Yeah, it's just a bunch of old church guys doing the rabble rabble rabble They're yelling about some church thing that definitely ended with like we got a force woman to have baby somehow. Yeah

Let's get back on track. Yeah So but and I love this so much, too So twice they do the whole everybody's rambling and then pastor James comes into quiet I'm down right he quiets him down they rabble again and then he quiets him down again and on both occasions There's one guy who just keeps going for too long and he has like a full sentence to say afterwards I love it. I said rabble slowly there I like that they're all so he walks in and he stands behind a podium But they're all like hey,, you can't just stand behind,

we're not doing an official thing, that's just an object now, it's nothing. He's like, I call official thing, I'm doing the podium, I'm giving a speech. And then he kind of rambles. God damn it, gravitas of a podium. But it starts off, I mean, all it's like, this scene actually sets up a precedent for the movie

where every scene feels dead. You know, like it just completely, even with the rabble, it's just the most un-energetic rabble that you've ever heard. Yeah. Well, it doesn't help that everybody in the room is like 63 and actively changing a catheter as we're doing this scene or whatever. But the impetus for all the rabble is that the music minister has retired and apparently that has thrown this fucking church into a, like a crate, like when you step on an

ant hill or something, right? They don't, they have no idea what to fucking do. Yeah. But like ultimately they're like, well, you should find a new music minister. No, you should find a new ministry. Well, we should start a committee to find a new music minister.

And like, they go through, like for a minute. And finally, they land on that Pastor James should hire somebody. No. And this character will meet him later. This is this is Wayne Wilson. He goes at the end, he's like, well, James can hire somebody. What's the worst that could happen? He starts a praise by? Title card drop. Yeah.

No, it's completely, I mean, it's completely ridiculous. And also I was so tired when I watched this at first. And when they said Pastor James, for some reason, I heard it as Rick James, the 80s musician. And I was like, Oh my God, did they know about Rick James, the musician? I was like, what a weird name. And then I was like, Oh, I just must've misheard that. I like the movie you hallucinated better than the one

we watched. I'm way better. Every scene in this movie, I kept waiting for like a back to the future moment had to happen of like, you know that new sound you've been looking for? Well, listen to this. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So, okay. So then we watched this kid wake up with his hair already done, which is nifty. It's nice to be able to do that. This is going to be, I guess, our main character. This is Matt Young and he's a 10, but he prays over his cornflakes. Right? This is the scene where he pours the 11 checks into a bowl. Yeah. I mean, by the way, this, I mean, this was like the saddest way to wake up, I imagine. Like there's just, once again, no energy.

It's fully sad. We see him like eating cereal. We see him praying. All of this stuff done with just the lowest of low energies. Yeah. We see him acting in this Christian movie. Yeah, right, right. Well, and the most upbeat of music, right?

As so as, cause like, you know, guy wakes up and sort of drags himself downstairs As so as, cause like, you know, guy wakes up and sort of drags himself downstairs. That's normal and fine in a film, except for the music's like, Oh, God is all glory and we're very happy in the morning or whatever, yeah. Yeah, there's just, it really holds very long on like things. Like you said, like the cereal, like we see the full

pouring the cereal in there. We see full everything and none of this can be cut way down. And there was like, when there's no action to it, but you have that soundtrack over it, you keep expecting for something to happen. And it really, like, obviously he is living at his parents' house and it's very much a parents' house kind of feel.

Yes. 100%. Yeah. The people who made this movie definitely finished editing this movie and were like, people say editing is hard But that was great guys We just took everything we shot and put them next to each other Well, I mean we pressed export it was so easy There were times where I just started watching the background

I was just like I was looking at like the cabinets and the refrigerator and things like that trying to hallucinate another 80s like the cabinets and the refrigerator and things like that. Trying to hallucinate another 80s music star. No, that's what I was like. What I would do, by the way, when you watch these movies, does it completely inspire you to make your own movie? Because I was like, oh, my God, if I saw this 20 years ago, I would be making Christian films. Yeah.

One of these days when we like when bankruptcy hits us, we're going to make the world's best Christian movie in a weekend. So, OK, so then we cut to this diner where we're going to meet Mary and Mark, right? So Mary walks in, she sees Mark and she's like, nope, not going to this diner, different diner for me. But Mark grabs her and he's like, hey, you have to talk to me. So this is like a separated married couple. And Mark is a dangerous fucking stalker, but this movie doesn't know

it. And Mark looks like Guy Fieri got a makeover on a morning show. He does. I had him done his frosted flakes in my entire fucking episode, my entire notes. Yeah. It's somebody that based their entire look on Ryan Reynolds from Van Wilder. Okay. With the frosted tips and like this is, I mean, I hate to say this. This guy

seems like he's addicted to online porn. Yeah. And he certainly goes around to high schools talking about it for the rest of his life. Yeah, he does. We need to introduce him to Blaine Bartell. But I will say without Mark's storyline, this movie probably wouldn't be worthy to be on our show, right? It'd be boring. It'd be bad, we don't like it, Jesus, blah, blah, blah. But without the in-depth dangerous toxicity of Mark being unwilling to listen to a woman who is very clear that she does not want him to contact her, this would not be a God-awful movie,

and Mark really pulls it through for us. She walks in and like spins around the moment she sees him, like he's a terrifying character. She's in fear. I mean, this is what I would imagine Nicole Brown Simpson was like towards the end. But there are also things like they never, this movie never specifies anything.

They never get specific. So when they do have like a specific line, like towards the end, this dude's talking to the homeless guy and he's like, hair dryers were thrown. And I'm like, he just dropped this line out of nowhere where you're like, oh, you were throwing shit at each other? Yeah.

So it's always, there's like this undercurrent of like, oh, you got violent at some point. Yeah. Either he got violent and threw a hairdryer or he deserved to get hit in the face with a hairdryer. Either way, really. Right, or she was scared enough that she had to throw a hairdryer.

Well, and we get that sense right away, right? Because the first line is she's like, Mark, stop calling me. And Mark says, no, that's the actual situation. Stop calling me, Mark. And he says, no. And I wrote my notes, wow, I hope this guy gets eaten by lizards at the end of this movie. Yeah, she's walking out.

Come back to Flavortown, babe, come on. I thought God made you to obey me, right? Is the plot of the movie, but we'll get there. Okay so but first we got it we cut to pastor James and his wife and his wife and him have such a like Cold and formal relationship that me and Eli both wrote his assistant just handed him some coffee Why would you introduce a married couple by them calling each other by their first name? You could just have honey in there and it all makes sense. Yes. Uh huh. But yeah, but this is the first of my best worst, right? The first ridiculously tight shot where like

they obviously couldn't fit the camera and the lighting in the room with him. Yeah. But she sends him off to work and then we meet his real assistant. This is Betsy. Oh, I hated Betsy. Oh, Betsy. So first of all, I trouble maker. Yeah, right. And I gossip. You just can't stop Betsy from gossiping. Yeah. I feel like the person who wrote this movie had a much older character in mind when she named her Betsy and had like, her best friend was Mildred. I don't know, it just felt like really weird for Betsy to be 23. So she's on the phone with Mildred talking about exposition.

And again, this is supposed to be, oh, Betsy's a harmless gossip. So what harmless gossip did they decide for Betsy to be gossiping about? Why did someone's child has run away well she says you know Kayla's daughter ran away with that boy from the city if I ever have if the Lord ever graces me with a child my child won't do something like that hey movie what race or religion is that boy? It's not one of those non-binaries is it?

yeah I'm not sure what from the city is code for, but it's code for something. Yeah. But then she gets another call for James. It's Pastor Greg, who will serve no function in this movie. Such a weird thing to add. Oh, thick Paul McCartney. Yeah, thick Paul McCartney. I have him as fat John Gardner.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, that's even closer guys And by the way, they cut to this guy for the this is another weird thought I was like is the the head guy I thought it was I thought he was playing dual roles I thought he was I thought he was like that cuz I thought oh this guy just slapped a wig on his head It's the same dude. I was like this dude Thought he was Tyler Perry. Yeah, I did actually I was like, oh, that's fun. Cause he's like more upbeat than I was like, oh, he wants to show his range. And it's like a totally different actor.

My range consists of me and me with longer hair. All Baptist looked the same to us at a certain time. So yeah, but now, and also we should put out that Betsy's listening in on this call. Yes. Why? Right? Like this is not needed for the movie to work in any way. But he's like, yeah, you know, like things are going rough for me, Greg. I, my music minister retired and we are a fucking overturned anthill about that. And grace like, don't worry.

I know a guy. I know a young guy who's looking to get into music ministry. Oh, it is it Michael Tate? I hope it's not Michael Tate. I know he needs a job but like we're not doing that. It's 2008. He's still crew. He's still crew. Well no he's not. We don't know that. We're pretending he's still crew. We know that but we don't know that. Yeah he goes is he trained and Greg goes no and he goes does he have any experience, no. And he's like, are you just trying to get rid of this guy? And he's like, oh, you know, I've got another phone call coming through on the other side. It is Michael Tate. Okay, bye. He is not housebroken.

If the answer's still yes, why did you bother asking? Right. But also, this is another part of the movie where every time you think the movie's actually gonna turn into a movie, cause I was like, oh, they're talking about this guy. And he's like, he's like into God, but he's from the wrong side of the tracks. He's kind of like a rebel. Like, I almost thought like that would be this great like pivot of like, you've got

to get this guy. He's on the wrong side of the tracks, but he could come in and lead this band. And it's just a dude that had poured like Chex Mix into his bowl. Yeah. And yeah, who is already Christian and wants this exact job. Yeah, no conflict at all. Yeah, everyone will react like he is Kevin Bacon from Footloose in this movie,

but he's the most milk toast white boy that your great grandmother would have approved of. No, like nobody should have a problem with this guy. Like the big problem is guitars. That's the big problem. Is guitar. The instrument of the guitar. The instrument of the devil.

Yeah, exactly. He's supposed to do like you were talking about, the back to the future thing. Like your parents are gonna love this and then be like, squinting and neah. But it's like Christ is God. It is. It's so sad.

It's really nice. And I was like, what are the old hymns that you're used to if you have a problem with this? Right. What is more milk toast than this? Did actual milk toast just sit there next to the microphone? Shows up to the auditions. Hello, my little baby. Toast has been dipped in milk. Can't believe I'm being oppressed. So then we cut to Pastor James meeting with another minister he's helping. Why isn't this one character, right? The black minister and Greg.

Why? And by the way, I'm sorry to call him the black minister. This character never gets a name in the credits. No, we sure don't. In the credits. Oh, that's in the script. This is like my black friend, the minister for real. That's like the character in the script.

No, literally in the credits, they call him Park Minister. And that's because somebody was like, dude, you can't call him Black Minister in the credits. OK, I see you've written here under his IMDB credit, Blinister. And I am not going to write that down. I want you to know I'm not going to write it down. So but he's a black minister.

Don't worry, though, a white church is helping them. I swear we have seen probably a hundred times now in our movies, a white church helping a black church. Never seen a black church, like a black minister helping out a white church in one of these films. So no, unless they're teaching that white head of that white church, a valuable lesson about poor people. Right? yeah, well, yeah, no, Brother White, yeah, okay, there's that. A real movie we reviewed, Ryan, called Brother White. Think about that.

Think about what you were spared. Wait, also the other thing that I was curious about is like when you watch this movie, I just wondered about the financials the whole time. Like, you know, what did you pay the sec, what does the secretary get for working there? And like, what kind of fellowship are you giving to this black minister besides like Bibles?

Like, I wanna know what money we're bringing in. I wanna know what the band budget was when later that happens. Like, I got really interested in the financials. Yeah. Are you paying into the unemployment system? Yeah, right, right. Unfortunately, unlike other 501C3s,

they don't have to disclose their finances. So weird that they wouldn't have to do that when all the other charities do. But yeah, but he's given this guy some, some Bibles and some, and some food. He goes at one point, he's like, well, you can never have enough Bibles and food for the homeless. Well, you can have enough Bibles. I've always said that. For them.

Also, the box is so small, right? Like how much food could you possibly, like assuming that they have the densest possible caloric fucking bars in that food, that's enough food for like nine people. No, the box had to have just crusts of bread because that's what you get the homeless man later on in the box. Oh my God, yes, he goes here. He goes, sorry, here's a crust of bread. Like how shameful.

It's not even protein bars. It's literally a crust of bread in that box. It's insane. Yeah, we'll get there. You know, they cut out the insides of Wonder Bread and fed it to the church. And then they were like, all right, we got a bunch of these. This is good. How can we make the homeless feel more ashamed?

Yeah. Give them duck food. God. Yeah, we'll get there. We'll get there. I don't want to. I don't want to spoil that. Sorry, sorry to spoil. Yeah, you're good. You're good.

So then we cut to Betsy. She's on the phone with Mildred advancing the plot some more, right? And then the cornflakes hottie, the Chex Makes guy comes in earlier and he's like, I got to have a meeting with Master James. And she looks at him and she's such a bad actor. And this is so miscast. And this is so poorly written that we can't really tell if she wants to fuck him or if she's scandalized by him. Oh, she wants to fuck him or if she's scandalized by him

Oh, she wants to fuck right? Well, no, that's clarified later I can two things can be true at once you can be scandalized and want to fuck somebody in fact that helps a lot of It I want to I want to be clear though in the movies mind. It is that she is scandalized She is never going to be a romantic interest to this character in any way Oh never going to be a romantic interest to this character in any way. It's bizarre because like in any other fucking movie when you meet the pretty young girl and the pretty young boy, they're going to be love interest, especially if she reacts like this, but it's supposed to just be that she's scandalized. Right.

But she gets back on the phone after he walks away with her friend Mildred to gossip some more. She's like, this guy had a guitar, a basement apartment of his own, own entrance. Basically roommates with his parents. See, I would, I would rather they just followed this receptionist for the whole rest of the movie. Cause I would love to know like her dream sequences at night when she's like trying not to think about Matt, but she keeps thinking about his ass.

Yeah, she does stare at it like she's going to sculpt it later. Going to go to his basement and flood my basement, right? Right, Mildred? Mildred's gone. Oh, she had a stroke again. So then we cut to the interview where Pastor James prompts Matt by basically saying, so James, give us the bullet points of your character's backstory, right?

And this is where we first learned that this character has the, or that this actor has the acting chops of fucking Saran Rap. Oh my God. You know when people send you a video and they're like, guys, AI video is so real these days. And then you show you something that looks like a PS1 cut scene. That's how the acting in this movie. Yeah, it's not. It's not just one person. The whole cast is the same.

Like there's not one person that's like, wow, that person is really good. No, no, no. But there is one person who's like, wow, that guy's really bad. And that is Matt. Sure is. So then like, and then he's like, well, maybe you could sing us a song. And we're like, oh, I bet they hired this guy because he had musical talent, not because he had no, no, no. He's barely even trying to lip sync this shit.

I'm like, wow, you're you're singing without moving your Adam's apple. That's tricky, man. Imagine somebody live singing and then they cut to like obviously a prerecorded song. And then you have to wait till the end of the movie to find out that Chad Pollard is the voice of Matt Young. It's not even so they hired a separate guy to do the singing parts for this dude so they didn't hire this dude because he had a beautiful singing voice. Nope. They sure didn't. They hired him for the acting job. No, they hired him for that panty melting smile. Yes, thank you. Yeah. I also just have to point out how long this song is, right? Because they keep shot reverse shotting and you watch the pastor run out of like, I am enjoying this song faces two

lines in the plays an entire song for the guy. I would have, I would have smashed through the window like two verses in. Yeah. But his song is terrible, but the pastor loves it. So then we cut, they're leaving the office and Matt is hired. Betsy who was for some reason like sitting under her desk, apparently like flicking her bean down there. I don't know what was going on there, but Betsy like pops out from under her desk, like

shocked that this guitarist has been hired. Mm hmm. I will say though, like the fact that you know, the head guy at the beginning, he already knew they were like worried about a praise band and immediately he goes to a praise band. Yeah. He doesn't try anybody else out. There's not like, you know, I'm going to try the old way and then it's like, this is not working. We should try the praise band. He immediately goes to praise band. Again, this movie is made so incompetently because yes, what this movie demands and keep it like, keep in mind, this movie sells itself as a comedy, right? That's what the marketing says. It compares itself to the monkeys for some fucking reason. What? Yeah. Yeah. That's what the market is. I imagine the monkeys, but with praise, there's no comedy anywhere

in this movie. But what they absolutely should have done is had like a montage of bad music directors, right? Yes That's what this movie calls for but this but they're too bad at filmmaking to think of that and There would have been no contrast with them. Yeah. Well, right. Yeah, that's but in their heads is this like a riotous laugh out loud comedy? Is that like the people making this and the people this is for, is this hysterical to them? Maybe. I feel like there were a lot of high fives in the writers room.

It's entirely possible. We got it. They do not know what humor is. I can say that for sure after 510 movies. So, okay. So, but then, so Betsy calls Mildred, right? She's like, you're not going to believe the hot goss I just got. He hired a guitarist and just then James catches her and hangs up the phone on her.

Yeah. Right. So that dick move. And then he's like, Hey, don't tell anybody about this yet. I want to surprise everybody with it on Wednesday. And she's like, well, aren't you already aware? Like, didn't they already tell you that they would be upset? All of the other church leaders and stuff, if you did this? And she's like, well, aren't you already aware? Like, didn't they already tell you that they would be upset all of the other church leaders and stuff if you did this? And he's like, yes. Now, we don't know why this would be controversial, right? Like the movie and the movie will never explain it. We're supposed to just understand intuitively that, well, guitars in a church is supposed to be a big fucking deal, right? Well, I think it's because of that first scene, right? Where it's like they laugh about praise band.

So I bet that's what I took this as. Also, when he hung up the phone, I got scared that we were like headed towards a Dateline episode because I thought she was going to get killed. Yeah. Like, like you better not say anything. And she's like, I will be saying something, you know? And then like she disappears.

Yeah, like it was aggressive. It was a weird fight. It was a fucked up move. Yeah. But she's like, you're going to have a guitar. What is he going to bring a fucking what a drummer? And he's like, yeah,. It was a weird fight was a fucked up move Yeah, but she's like you're gonna have a guitar. What is he gonna bring a fucking what a drummer and he's like Yeah, there'll be a drummer and she's like drums and she runs away from the drums He flees she flees from the words drums everybody. Yes Oh, and then she goes, you know, Wayne Wilson isn't good like this way not wait

She's not gonna fight Deadpool in this movie disappointing Wayneappointing. Wayne Wilson won't like it. And she goes, you know, he's already got a grudge against you. I'm like, wow, that's the laziest possible way to introduce a plot point. Yeah. So the idea from the pastor is like, yeah, we're going to pull in all the youths and tell them how Jesus gets us. He gets us like in that thing. And I was just so depressed. It's Jesus gets us. He gets us like in that thing. Yeah. And I was just so depressed. It's Almost the exact same conversation at the DNC right now 80 year old dudes trying to get the youths with like vertical videos. Is that a thing? We're gonna do a praise, Ryan. Yeah, so okay So then James goes to see Wayne the old guy that doesn't like him, no praise bands.

He goes to see him to tell him about it. We have another one of these ridiculously tight shots. And this one is actually spectacular because the camera accidentally shows that James is already in the room as they play the sound effect for him knocking on the door and as Wayne tells him to come in. So they fucked this one up whatever, just gloriously. Movie making. Yeah, right, right.

No, they won't know. But we watch him like kind of skate around. He doesn't exactly tell Wayne that he's hired a guitar player, just that he's hired the music minister. Gotcha. And Wayne goes, Oh, you know, I can't wait for us all to get together and vote on this hire on Wednesday. And James is like, no, no democracy.

You told me I could hire a guy. And Wayne's like, oh, well, you know, there's a lot of perfectly reasonable reasons why you wouldn't want us to have a vote on this. I'm sure it'll be fine. Of course, as soon as James leaves, though, Mildred calls and tells him about the praise band and she is fucking scandalized by it. Yeah, for those of you counting, by the way, at home, there is the fourth scene in a row that has been about the exact same subject matter.

Yep. Well, and then after it gets off the phone, Wayne fucking monologues to an empty room about his motivation. Also, I love that Wayne sounds like one of those old like gold mining prospectors of like, Oh, back in my day, we didn't have this type of music. Are you bringing old synthesizers and guitars? Percussive instruments and globalization. I can't have any of this, my truth.

I remember when I was in college and I whacked off to the beat of a drum and I knew it was devil. It was a devil. We're going to be dancing. So okay, so now we're going to cut to- Well keep telling him about J.O.I. I don't understand. All right.

Heath, don't project onto the movie. So then, okay. You like, don't project onto the movie. So then we cut to this, okay, I feel like this movie, like a more interesting movie about this gospel group was trying to break through this boring ass movie. Right. Yes. Yeah. So we're going to meet this girl group. She they're meeting with somebody from a record label that doesn't want to bring them on.

He's like, I think you're really good, but you're too urban. Can I say urban and not get sued? Yeah. Well, I think she was there. We're meeting with bad boy records, right? OK, yeah. It sure appears like they're being cast from a couch here. Yeah. I guess that fucking tracks.

He is that he gets up and leaves. I assume his office is not his office. The seating arrangement is insane. Very strange, yeah. But he leaves and they turn to each other and they say, well, we've tried being famous singers three whole times, so I think we gave it our all. We're done now. To your point, I really thought I was like, is this like the Destiny's Child story?

I thought the movie was going to then focus primarily on them and that was going to even like, make Wade like even go like lose it even more. And then it doesn't do that at all. I was like, you have a plot device that you do not use at all and they give up on their dream and that's pretty much the end of their internal struggle. Yes. That could have been a movie. They keep walking up to the edge of a plot device and then being like, nah, nah, nah.

It's going Just scare grandma. You know what it's like? It's, do you remember how when all the famous actors retired from the Marvel movies, they had to pretend that like, we cared about Bucky all along. That's how I feel about this girl group is they were like, shit, an hour and 21 minutes. Guys, if we could make it past an hour and 30, Amazon Prime will give us seven more dollars. Let's find these scenes. Well, I almost thought they were setting up like this cinematic universe where I was like,

well, maybe they're in another film that's just about that. Like a spin-off? Yes. Well, again, it had that feeling of this is a prequel to a larger movie where they had to shove these characters into it. Well, are you guys sure it is not a prequel to a bit? I believe me. I look for cinematic universe. Yeah, unfortunately. So, OK, so then we have James. He's got an idea.

So he calls Matt the, you know, young, hot guitarist. You say young, hot, but he answers, hey, it's Matt. Hey, what's going on? Yeah, but he's hot when he does. So he's brooding. Yeah, it would be great guys? He's hot when he does. He's brooding. It would be great if not just his singing voice is dubbed, but his speaking voice. And it's actually like, he's actually like, what's going on? I'm on those Charlton Neagle songs.

I just want to my big acting roles. And they said that I could speak. We got to hire Chad, who actually lives in this moment. We got to hire Chad. Yeah. Go. So, yeah. So yeah, but so the pastor's like, hey, Matt, why don't you come to the prayer meeting tonight to introduce yourself to the church?

And he's like, okay, but like the prayer meeting's at seven. I live three hours away. If I leave now, I can't make it. Right. And I'm like, okay, so what you're asking Pastor James is for this guy to do a six hour round trip drive at the last minute to convince people to hire him for a job that you already hired him for. Yeah, this is a dick move.

A lot of this movie is about what a bad employer James is. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I wanted to know about the financials. Are you going to give him gas money? And like you, you know, you guys explaining this to the audience, they don't get it. Like you would think there would be some sort of change in the vocal tone of like, Oh my God, I live three hours away. That's going to be a lot. I live three hours away. I think I can make it. Oh, that would be great. Like it would never be like, Oh my God, I didn't realize you lived that far. Are you sure? Like I, I hope you're okay,

but that would mean a lot. There's just monotone delivery. Yeah. And if we mention something in one scene, it's gonna happen in the next, right? So we cut immediately to the prayer meeting. And James says, you know, well, we hired a new minister and I gotta tell you, he's the most amazing musician I've ever met. And like you heard him play three fucking chords, man.

And lipsync. And we heard you hear him not be that. Yeah. Yeah. Three chords in the truth yeah one is he's never met a multi instrumentalist apparently but so but Wayne who already knows that it's a guitarist that he hires just trying to like coax that out of music oh what instrument does this again play? Here he does the fiddle is that would you wear type of music?

Is he gonna play for us now? He plays the piano does he play a piano and he goes well No, he plays the guitar and everybody's like rabble rabble rabble Guys Admittedly, I never attended church. Are you allowed to do one-man insurrection? Meeting Are you allowed to do one man insurrection during a church meeting? That appears to be what Wayne is doing. Christianity is a pretty unitary executive theory type place. No, you are allowed to do one man insurrection at church.

I've been- Oh, are you? Okay. Oh, good. I don't think that's information that you should have given Eli. So- All right. I got one kiddy quarter to me.

I'm going to make some changes this evening. So Wayne goes, wait, are you trying to start some kind of praise and worship, man? And yes, he is. Right? Wayne doesn't want no changes to his damn traditions. Yeah. And this is how sloppy the stakes of this movie are. Wayne is so outraged that he goes, well, I call for a vote about whether or not

you can hire that guy you hired, and also whether you're firing him soon. Is that like a cascading ballot? Like, I like that he has to explain to everybody what yay and nay are gonna mean on that, because he kind of had two things built in, and he's like, just, nay is he's fucking fired I think right? Oh come on and get god turnedations it's yay or nay people.

Don't you not want James to be hired? But just then right Matt pulls up in the parking lot ready to shift the narrative with those icy blue eyes of his right? So he pulls up inside there counting the votes, everybody's ready to fire James for hiring a guitarist. Like three people, three yeas and 56 nays, right? I love that it was all yeses and nos though. Everybody was like, I didn't understand the yay and nay

thing even though he explained it and doing yes or no. Also in the background of this scene, there's like a little kid that won't sit still and he's like running in the pews. And I think he's like, they thought he was out of the camera frame. And he just kind of like running haphazardly.

So then, OK, there are count of the votes when Matt walks in and James is like, no, no, you have to let Matt do a song before you finish counting the votes. Right. And so Matt, he's like, Matt, do a song. Matt pulls a guitar out of his ass. Right. Like he did not have a guitar when he walked in there. And the way they filmed that shot, it's coming from his ass region. Like a PS1 character.

Yep. Yep. And so he starts singing and he's got that natural echo cathedral effect to his voice, which is very haunting. And this is supposed to be the squint and an air moment. Like the rock and roll, like, and then it's an acoustic guitar. And's just like, see major Christ is God. It's so sad. Well, that's what I, I started like getting like another like dream sequence in my head

where like Matt kicked the door open and it was like smoke and doves and like prints. And you know, like I thought it was going to be something like that. And then it was just like, Oh, you're playing acoustic guitar. This is, this is music you play to an old person to die to. You're pulling out chords and undoing IVs and Matt's like, oh, Lord. And you're like, nice. It legitimately scared me that anybody would have a problem with this music. Yeah, right.

Right. Well, I don't know, because the chorus of this song was just, I come, I come, I come. So there's that. I do love how often they say come in Christian. It makes sense for them to like shh and you put a pillow over. Yeah, right. So, but everybody now they hear him sing now everybody wants to change their vote now that they see how fuckable he is. Right. Wayne tries to nurse ratchet the vote. He's like, no, the vote already ended. It doesn't count. But then somebody says, all right, well, we want a new vote to hire James back then. There's also a weird moment where they're like, okay, but you have to wait, like James, you guys have to wait outside while we

have the vote. There's a window in the door. Yeah. They're like watching the vote take place. The whole while Matt's BPM never goes above 56. Like he doesn't even look like he's been on the road for three hours and he's just like, very cool. They are voting now. I hope they've enjoyed this. Yep. Zuckerbergian.

James goes, you did it, Matt. You convinced him to hire us. And Matt goes, no, I didn't do anything. God did it. And I'm just like, oh, I just thought you just didn't do anything because you're so fucking melancholy. Are you the fucking Lorax? Do you speak for the tree?

Yeah, I'm sorry. So OK, so so Matt's leaving and fucking Flavortown. Back for the long car ride home. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, right. He comes in for six goddamn minutes and now he's got to drive three hours back. I'm going to call it. He's he's like shaved guy theory. I'm going to call him Shavortown from now on. I have this flavor town in my notes.

Fantastic. He's going to be Shavortown. That's good. I'm legitimately I'm shocked that they didn't do a driving sequence where it's just him driving and nothing else. For three hours. Yeah, that we didn't just see a full three hour drive. No facial reactions and you know this guy is raw dogging the drive. He's not listening to anything. He's just alone with his thoughts. No. That would have been 14 more dollars from Amazon. This movie's an accidental boyhood. Right, yeah.

14 more dollars from Amazon. This movie's an accidental boyhood. Right, yeah. But yeah, Mark is there to do what he will do for the rest of the film, which is that no matter what else someone else is saying, he will bring up his not divorce and then deny him. So here's the conversation, and gentlemen, I want you to intercede if I am exaggerating a moat.

Hi, I'm Mark. You did a great job today. Thanks so much. I play the bass. Great. Don't worry about my divorce. It's not permanent. That was the exact order of the sentence Mark chose to say.

Almost exactly. If the third sentence you said to me was, don't worry about my divorce. It's not permanent. I would assume you were on your way to kill your now legal wife. The next sentence was gonna be I kind of play the bass I dabble a little bit and then the murder yeah. What you've heard about me potentially is not true if you have heard something about me anyways I lay down fat baselick. Yeah well he goes he

goes I play the bass I'm like, we can see the frosted tips in the divorce. We know you play the bass. I also at one point expected the bass to have like, that's what caused the divorce of like, she hates the bass. Right. Well, also I expected at some fucking point that he would have to sing or serenade her in some fucking way that the band would play to her.

Nope. None of this. Oh, God, they're so bad at filmmaking. Oh, God, if he had done a bass serenade to try to win her back. And it was just like, OK, this is what I learned from church band was C C C C. Yeah, right. Bow bow bow bow bow. Touch it. Right. Outside the window.

That Seinfeld. Fuck. That's the only other thing I know. So, okay. So then we cut to have Matt having more cereal. I know you were worried we'd only get to see that one time, but no, we get a second Matt having cereal scene. This is where we meet his parents. He's like, Dad, I don't know if I should take this job.

It's a long ways away. And the dad goes, well, if it's what you think you should do, you should do it. That's an exact quote. That's the great fatherly advice this movie has. You gave it more energy than this father. Well, you've got to do what you've got to do. And he has like this beard that like takes up three fourths of his face and it doesn't connect at the sideburn. Did you notice that? I actually found, I hate to push back, gentlemen, but I found this to be a really realistic depiction of every person over the age of 30 who lives with their parents I've ever seen, where they're like,

what do you think, Mom and Dad? And they're like, I think you should fucking leave, man. Yes, right. Yeah. That's what I think. In my head, they were like, that basement is turning into a fuck dungeon so goddamn fast. Immediately. They're putting in a St. Lucian's cross as he's moving out his stuff, taking rope out of boxes. He's just like, all right, so I guess I'm moving.

Yeah, by the way, every time he goes back to visit his parents, there needs to be a new thing changed. Like, why is there a tarp on the floor? Yeah, right. Right. St. Andrew's cross, everybody. It's not a St. Lucian's. You said you have to call before you show up now.

Eli's worried that they're gonna get entirely the wrong cross he's like what this is I'm not gonna fit on this at all. I don't know why my brain said Saint Lucie. So okay so but he's like well you know I'll have to move three hours away and I don't know how Patty is gonna take this and we're like who the fuck is Patty? Right? That will be in my notes several more times. Yeah, right. But then he gets a conveniently timed phone call from James. James is like, hey, can you drive out to do some paperwork and go over logistics?

And I'm like, it's a six hour round trip. You fucking asshole. You couldn't do the paperwork last night. OK, but literally, literally six hours is better than explaining DocuSign to this pastor and trying to get that done. Sure, but what year was this made too? Cause I was like, how deep into the internet are we at this point?

It was 2008, so DocuSign existed. Oh my God, I thought there was like 98 or something like that. I did too. It felt like a 90s movie. I don't, yeah, I had 92 in my head until, I don't remember why, but yeah. The amount of landline work, it can't be. Oh yeah, big time.

2008. Yeah. So okay, so then we meet Ginny. She is Wayne's granddaughter and she plays the piano. She wants to be in the band too. And this scene plays like she doesn't actually play piano, she just wants to fuck Matt, right? Cause she comes in to see James and she's like,

I play piano, what's Matt's phone number? Oh, this is where my like, I feel so bad. Like my, I didn't even think about it. Like, but I was like, my dirty head was like, oh, they're going to hook up. Like, yes, you know, Matt and this girl, the piano player that's married is going, they're going to hook up. Like I fully thought that. Absolutely.

I think you were just desperate for a plot. I don't really think you blame yourself. I'll even go less dirty. I thought they were going to fall in love within the confines of the band. Sure. Yeah, because the pastor is like, okay, but what about Paul? Your husband, Paul? Yeah, she's like, oh, right. She's like, yeah, he can, I don't know, he can do the fucking sound. He can watch and do the sound. He can sit on the edge of the bed of the praise band.

He's a cuck. So okay. Jeremy Falwell, right? Come on. So then we get one of maybe the greatest scene in the history of Christian. This is such a great fucking scene. So we cut back to the black pastor. He's out ministering to the unhoused out in a park, right? We meet John, the homeless guy, homeless John, John has a remarkably well maintained guitar, right? And he's talking to the pastor about how like, homeless John, John has a remarkably well maintained guitar, right? And he's talking to the pastor about how like, you know, people usually overlook him and

don't take the time to get to know him. And he's actually a pretty good guy. And the pastor's like, you know, usually I take all my stale bread out and I feed it to the ducks out in these in his park. But, but today I think I'm going to give you that stale bread. Okay. Okay. Podcast listener, I need to clarify. No Illusions is not joking. I'm not though. It's really not an opposite. That is not a slaggy, loose bread.

But it also doesn't, it looks weirder than stale crusty bread. Like it looks even, I don't even know what it, it looks so weird. It's part of a hot dog bun, I think, yeah. It might be part of a hot dog bun. He hands John one piece of loose bread and takes back the other piece that he was holding. He keeps that, he does not get the, he's not full crust worthy.

And did you notice the homeless man, he has a guitar like on his lap and he's acting like there's a strap around his neck and there's no strap. Yeah. You guys told me you'd have strap money. This is bullshit. Yeah, he's got, he gives him half a piece of fucking moldy bread and he's like, I think you need some food.

And I'm like, I think he needs more than bread. I mean, even if we assume the bread is fresh, I think he eats more than bread. Still a problem. And what makes him homeless is that he has a big beard. Yes. Yeah, like that, just to clarify, because he's not like, they don't put dirt all over him. They just have a very, like a bushy beard,

but still I think a well-kept beard. No, yeah, right. But we're supposed to assume he's homeless. Yeah, beard equals homeless. They also went with a little bit of a pirate look for some reason, not clear. Sure, but then also, like, so he gives him the moldy bread and then he starts lecturing this on the house gentleman about how he should really take time to appreciate all the things

he has, like the chirping of the birds and the running water that you probably have to bathe in this. So and he goes, Hey, you know, do I need to do anything to repay you for this, this moldy bread crust? And he goes, well, there's one thing you could do. Yikes. Right. And he goes, um, read the Bible. And he says, and he's like, Oh, that's, you can have your fucking bread back, man. Uh, I was sucker dick, that's really, that's really- But also does he make the ducks read the Bible that he feeds? Like he's already-

Interesting. Possibly yes. Holding this guy to a higher standard, that's unfair. Also the pie, we'll say like also the town, whatever town this is, I mean, it does not look like there's any unhoused people. So, you know, the park they're even in is very nice. It's like, he's very out, he seems like the one unhoused person in whatever town this

is yes right exactly yeah they got just the one like this black pastor is gonna have to leave the park before sunset I have to be here at the park because they won't allow me around schools anymore all Oh, yeah. Exactly. All right. Well, surely that unhoused guy will get a home and that African-American pastor will factor into the movie in some way. And while you're still comfortable in that delusion, we're going to take a quick break. But we'll be back in a minute with all the dangling plot threads that are praise banned. Okay.

What about a soul stone? Does he have one of those? I don't know if he has a soul stone. Wow. So you just did like no homework on this. Well, do you want to help or not? Okay, what about a soul stone? Does he have one of those? I don't know if he has a soul stone Wow So you just did like no homework on this. Well, do you want to help or not? I'm helping. I'm just saying hey guys Who is this? Oh, hey Ryan. This is the wool Dasher missile. Hi. He's kind of a deep cut Oh, I'm on three shows. How am I a deep cut? And anyway, it turns out that Heath signed away his soul to a demon that worked for a cell phone company

So he and the high fay court are trying to help us out. I said I'd ask. Yeah. Ask. Guys, guys, if you're tired of getting burned by high cell phone bills, you should try Mint Mobile. Oh, yeah, I've heard of them. What's Mint Mobile? Really? Well, really.

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mintmobile.com slash gam that's mint mobile comm slash GAM a front payment of forty five dollars for three month five gigabyte plan required equivalent to fifty dollars a month a new customer offer For first three months only then full price parental options available taxes and fees extra see me mobile for details Alright guys. Thanks. Oh Do you have a firstborn you could trade? I mean, I have a step-kid. So no then. Family is found! Oh relax Tumblr. Jesus Christ. Matt, thanks so much for coming in. No problem, Pastor. Yeah, so we're really excited at the prospect of a music ministry in our church.

I'm excited as well. Okay, so why don't you tell me about yourself? Even better, how about I play you a song? Um, Jesus, Jesus, how I love you. Jesus, you are my Lord and Savior. I love you, Jesus. All right. Well, that was good.

Jesus, Jesus. You know that song. Okay. I love you when I was all alone. You were there, Jesus. When you're in my arms, you're there in the place I know. I actually need to go after this one. Jesus, I love Jesus, call me to crave.

It's like you're making this up as you go. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Alright, that was lovely. Thank you. So do I have the job? Uh, well, I think we're gonna... Hmm, maybe another tune will change your mind. You know what? You got the job. Actually, you got it, is what I was gonna say.

Nice. Let's celebrate with a song. Motherfuck. Hahahaha. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with James telling Matt that he's found himself a piano player for the band. Right. And he goes, Oh, did you like listen to her play piano to make sure she was any good?

He's like, no, I didn't at all. I just hired her. He's like, Oh, well, if she's no good, we'll be able to get rid of her. Right. And he's like, no, she's the granddaughter of Wayne, the guy that hates me and wants to fire you. So no. And if you're thinking, oh, wow, that sets up a great conflict for later in the movie. No, it doesn't. She's just actually going to be fine. There's no ulterior motives. You would think that would be a plotline. Yep. And he goes, oh, her husband can be your sound man. And I'm like, oh, really? You don't have to get his permission for that at all?

No? This is another one of their plot feigns, right? This idea that Paul the sound man won't be up to the job. They allude to that like three times and then it never pays off. Yeah. Speaking of which, he goes, oh, for the band, we'll need to buy a bunch of new equipment.

And Matt's like, yeah, fine, just tell me how much I can spend. He's like, well, you'll have to talk to the of new equipment. And Matt's like, yeah, fine. Just tell me how much I could spend. He's like, well, you'll have to talk to the treasurer. He's like, who's the treasurer? He's like, Wayne, the guy that hates you. Again, we'll never touch that plot thread again. But I got so excited. They started talking about budget.

I was like, what is the budget for the band? But we never go back. Yeah. It's just a tease. So then we get to see where Ginny comes in to tell Paw Paw, to Wayne, that she's in the praise band. He finishes that scene, monologuing to himself again. Then we check in on Mark and his stalking victim

slash ex-wife. Oh yeah. We get another uncomfortable scene with them where she's like, you know, I'm ready to move on. And he's like, well, I'm not. And I'm like, well, you don't get a say in that though. Actually, no, I'm sorry. It's even worse than that. The actual exchange is I'm ready to move on.

No, you're not. Yep. No, you are not. Hold on, babe. Hold on. Do do do do do now. By the way, the waiter did a lot of heavy lifting in this scene and it always annoys me like they put in the order like we have to have the order as part of it and they're like I'd like a water and I'd like a soda. There's no specific even soda is not specific in this film. I was furious about that.

I've been a bartender for many years. So many people. I'll have a beer. Oh, you'll have a beer. We only have the so many people. I'll have a beer. Oh, you'll have a beer. We only have the one, perfect. I'll get that for you. Interesting, yeah. But she's like, you know, so I filed for a divorce.

Our court date is in next February. I'm like, what a weirdly distant date for a divorce. Really tight schedule in the courts. I guess, it's Louisiana, I guess. That makes sense, yeah. But she's like, I guess. I didn't make sense. Yeah. But she's like, you know, I still want to be friends. And I'm like, I wouldn't advise it with this obsessive prick.

Right. He says, but you still love me. And then she slides the divorce papers over like it's a counter offer to you still love me. I wish he had brought up he's like, Hey, but I am playing the bass in a band now You'd think that would be relevant right he just slides the bass back across Don't try to fold it so then we check in very quickly with the Sisters the gospel band sisters that I thought until that moment had just wandered into the wrong movie and then found their way out.

We get them rockin' a church in Nashville, but unfortunately they're like, you know, yeah, we are quitting the music business altogether, though despite the standing ovation, we just got in this church. This is the end of our dream. Yeah, they seem, by the way, that church seemed huge. Like the church we're talking about,

like sparsely attended it seems like. But that church was like, why would you leave that church? Right, yeah, they're obviously doing it. They get a standing ovation at this church of 80,000 fucking people and they're like, yeah, no, nothing, no money in this music business for us, I guess. So then we get Mark, he's coming to see Pastor James,

Mark being the shaver town, flavor town. He comes to see Pastor James, Mark being the Shavertown, Flavortown. He comes to see Pastor James about the divorce. It feels like Mark is also ignoring the scene with the Black sisters in it that we just experienced. He's like, hey, so as you know, the last scene was where I talked to my wife about her wanting a divorce. He's like, no, there was actually a whole other scene.

No, no, no, no, that's not what the movie will be about for the rest of it. Yeah, right. But James is like, Hey, pastor, what should I do about my wife? And he's like, Well, you know, God has a plan and I don't think God's plan involves divorce. And I'm like, Oh, this is a really dangerous thing for you to tell this guy. Yeah, like, seriously, like this advice gets people killed. But also, I don't I I mean like, you know, if God exists, whatever, like,

I don't think God gives a riff about our divorces. You wouldn't think, you'd think he'd have bigger shit going on. Yeah, like obviously there's a lot of stuff. You'd think God would be a big fan of this particular divorce. I don't know. Yeah.

Hey look man, honestly, you're just saving me from sending this guy to hell for murder later is up to him. So but they, they prey on it. And then Matt goes to see Greg, who you've already forgotten about, right? He was the pastor that called that recommended Matt in the first place. Yeah, I thought James, Pastor James was playing, this was the dual role that I thought Pastor James was playing. Yeah, you thought it was Eddie Murphy. Yeah, right, James, Pastor James was playing. This was the dual role that I thought Pastor James was playing. Yeah, you thought it was Eddie Murphy.

Yeah, right, right. Norbit. So, he says, like, hey, man, I want to take this job, but I'm not sure because it involves a big move for me, which is hilarious because it's three hours from home, right? It's three hours away. And Greg says, I shit you not. It's kind of like, Hey, remember when Moses was leading those people out of Egypt? And I'm like, it's not like that at all, man. He goes, a lot of those people didn't want to go. And I'm like, they were slaves in the story. Well, what I loved about this scene is that we, we see the reaction that

I've always wanted to see because he tells him to pray about it and Matt's like, oh, I have prayed about it because I'm a boring Christian. That's my only quality. And you watch the pastor be like, well, then fucking pray about it more. Pray about it is a nonsense sentence. You're not supposed to respond with I have prayed right. Right. Yeah. That's like if someone said yes to good luck.

What are you fucking doing? I thought there I was like, are we about to hear more about the Moses story? We're like, you didn't know it, but Moses had an electric guitar. It was bizarre to me that this guy never rocked out. The long haired pastor never showed up. Let my people go squinting and now turns it into a snake. So then we see Matt rocking out again. He's playing guitar and they haven't put together a band yet,

but he does have accompaniment for this song that he's rocking out. Yeah. OK. I laugh so long here. He made fucking flavor town play a tiny little bongo drum. Yes. He's multi-talented. He goes from the bass to the bongo like that.

Yeah, right. How is he doing? Yeah, right. So we watched this guy fake bongo drum while another guy fake guitars and lip syncs. It's just amazing. So. But this is also this is a place where there could actually be conflict, where they're like doing this and it's not working for the audience

You know, but it seems like everybody's fine with it already, right? Yeah, exactly Right a competent movie would have most of the the crowd being uncomfortable and not really liking this new direction But this movie is too stupid for that and oh, but I will say though the song ends and literally nobody applauds What it's the Lord's house. You only applaud for the Lord. Yeah, right, right. I see. Like, yeah, I don't think that they were trying to send the message that people didn't like it because we saw audience shots of people getting into the music before that.

I think they're just such incompetent filmmakers that they didn't bother to include applause there. Yeah. When Christian people clap for stuff, they should really be like, clap, clap, clap. Oh, this is for the God. Glory to God. You don't get this stuff. This is clapping around you to God.

Yeah. So, okay. So now we cut to those tryouts, right? Ginny is, we get Ginny singing a boring ass Jesus song while playing the piano. There is so much fucking music in this movie, but we get this in and then the movie takes I think it's only actual stab at comedy Yeah, right because like during the tryouts like two old ladies come in. Oh, yeah, right and they're like we want to be backup singers But they're not very good at singing. They're singing the old stuff like oh

Yeah, what they do is they go holy holy Yeah, what they do is they go, holy, holy, holy, but that's it. Like ghosts. Like you opened a haunted chest from a pirate's cave. And of course, these are the people who ask for a G flat for their song and send Heath into an apoplectic rage. If you're the music director or the piano player and they're like, give me holy, holy, holy and G flat, get the fuck out. Absolutely not.

But it is funny to think that they do have any standards at all. Like they're like, this doesn't work for us. I only know it in F flat. Get the fuck out of here. So, but yeah, no, that's the bit they're not very good at music. So, but yeah, no, that's the bit. They're not very good at music. So, okay. So, then we get Matt picking Patty, who I guess is his girlfriend up from the airplane

that Indiana Jones had to escape from in the raft. Yeah. It's like not like a private plane, but it's not like, but it's like a old timey private plane. Yeah. It's like a prop plane or something. Yeah. Yeah.

This really ruined my fantasy that Patty was going to be an old senior pug that he just didn't want to be away from when it turned out to be a woman. But the way they greet each other, I absolutely assumed this was his sister until much later in the film. Yes. Well, nobody has sexual chemistry with anybody in this film. Exactly. Yeah. Nobody has human chemistry with anybody in this film. Right. Yeah. Nobody has human chemistry with anybody in this film. Yeah. Right. Except for I feel like the pastor wants to fuck Matt and doesn't know what to do with that feeling. But other than that, yeah. So yeah, he greets her with a big hug. And I

thought when he did the big hug, I thought, oh, okay, so this is one of those things where we're going to like try to fool everybody into thinking he's got a girlfriend the whole time so that you think that there's a conflict why he can't get with Ginny or Betsy or whatever, but it turns out to be a sister. But no, because in the very next scene, or the very next line of dialogue, he makes it clear that Ginny is supposed to be his girlfriend. And that we still have not told Patty at all about the move. Yes, right. Right. He's like, Hey, I got a job. And she's like, well, that's great. And he's like, Yeah, it's not like it's far away or anything.

Moving on. Because again, that's the only conflict the movie Scott, right, is that he hasn't told Patty about his move yet. So they have to slow roll that. But this is the thing about Christians that I sometimes don't understand. It's like you have basic tenets of faith and you would think that they would face everything head on. And then we have this kind of mild subplot about him hiding this from Jenny, you know, like purposely hiding. Right. And he's supposed to be a good Christian. Yes. Okay. So then we get a quick scene where Matt's packing and he's talking to his parents

about how he should, you know, break the news to Patty. But don't worry if you miss this scene, it will happen again. We'll get the whole fucking scene again. But first we've got to cut to like they set up in that scene that he's going to take Patty out to dinner and he'll tell her about it then. Right. So of course the next scene has to be dinner. Right. Him taking her out to dinner. Yeah. And this scene is mostly noteworthy because of fucking community theater Ed as the waiter. Oh yeah. Okay. So community theater Ed as the waiter is great because he comes in. oh this is the soda water thing Yeah, yeah, yeah with the other seat. I'm sorry guys. He comes in way too hot with the volume here They're like, so what did you want to talk? Hello? I am the waiter. It's hard. Hi, dude It's just screaming this honestly

He was so close to hello today when he came in here that I felt like this whole movie was like a prank that you Had set up with like an 18 year run time or whatever. Now I will say that this scene also contains one of the most insane moments we have ever seen captured in Christian cinema right so he says hey I got a job is far away she goes oh my gosh I don't know what to do, a far away relationship. And then she leaves. And then she comes back. And says, shit, you drove me. And so they then keep having the scene

and never refer to her having exited the scene in the movie for the rest of the conversation. Why would they do that? Pretend they would keep talking. If she had been like... If I'm Patty I'm like reading a magazine actively with it held up in front of me like a big newspaper if I can find it Yes, it could not be more stranger off-putting if she had been like one second

I have to go take a shit, and then we just watched him sit there at the table Honest phone for four minutes. It could not be- Scream waiter comes over and they talk for a while. Yeah. Yeah. And also, so they try to do the bit where like, he's trying to tell her this complicated thing, which is again, that he's moving three hours away.

The stakes are so low, it's fucking hilarious. But he's trying to tell her, but the waiter keeps interrupting, except they're so incompetent that they one beat that joke. But he's trying to tell her, but the waiter keeps interrupting, except they're so incompetent that they one beat that joke. So he just interrupts one time and then they go on with the conversation. I'm like, that doesn't count, man. You didn't even do the bit. Anyway, so he says, I got to move like three hours away.

We'll see each other less often. And she's like, I don't understand. What? All the good jobs are in the the megalopolis of fuck mud, Louisiana, three, go where the work is. But even specifically, we don't know how long they've dated. We don't know. We don't know if they were talking about marriage. We don't know anything.

And it does not seem like they like each other at all or attracted, I mean, you wouldn't know, it's like automatons. Yeah, right. They didn't, like she was away on a trip without him and they didn't kiss when she got back. So yeah, they don't seem all of that into each other. He also, he says at this point, you know,

this is what God wants me to do. And I'm like, that is such a dick move to pull in an argument with another. Like, I'm not Christian, but I bet that's a Christian. As Christian, I think that's a dick move. But are you allowed to blame God on everything? Right, right. Like, take it up with God.

I don't want to do this. You think I want to go three hours away, but God wants me to. Yeah. Everybody needs to do the like, bring, bring. Oh no, God's calling me now. Yeah, he actually told me that he didn't want you to go at all. Yeah. And then we have that amazing scene,

the bit where she walks away and then comes back. And then we have to check back in on homeless John long enough for somebody to steal his guitar. Yeah. So he's at rock bottom. Yeah, he lost his guitar. And they always now they just have him laying on grass, but like near stairs for some reason.

Yes. Yeah, also he's got a coat that's sitting next to him while he's laying there. Cause of course he has to have the Bible in something, right? So he's got the coat laying next to him and he's got like newspapers as blankets. Why wouldn't you use the coat? But anyway, so yeah, so they steal his guitar. He's at rock bottom. The only possession he has left is his Bible. I wonder how his story will work out. But then we cut over to Matt. He's packing up for the move. His mom and dad are seeing him off,

desperate to get access to their fuck dungeon, I guess. Yeah, wait, wait, when he's leaving, like a waterbed delivery gets delivered. Yeah, exactly. I wanted Matt to circle back for something that he forgot, and they're already costumed up and oiled up. Couple from Craigslist is already there. What's this bowl for keys, mom?

Is that Pikachu? It's at this point a metaphor about this movie struck me, right? So you know when someone tells you a story, but they started a little too early, so for a minute you cannot fathom what the fuck they're talking about. You're like, how'd you get that tattoo? And they're like, so I went to college in Minnesota, and you wanna be like, stop? You have four sentences.

That's what this movie is. This movie is, oh shit, I guess you didn't need to know about high school, the film. And also, I have to fucking point this one out. So as Matt is leaving, to move away from his home for the first time to start his new life beyond his parents grasp, you know, being pushed out the nest, his mom gives him a hug and his dad gives him a firm fucking handshake. Yes.

I was like, wait, God, you can't hug your dad? I my God, apparently they can't hug their fucking turds. Okay. It turns. Yeah, it explains a lot about them that they're not allowed to hug their dads. But then we get like frosted flakes helping them move into his new apartment. Yeah. It's going to be good times with these guys. Oh yeah. We have to meet his landlord who is Carl the Pug-a-Peg-a-Corn. Oh my God. That was amazing.

Another deep cut on the show. I apologize. I would hope so. I was like, I did not see that in the credits. Yeah. So as he's moving in, damn it, if they don't hear a drummer downstairs and they need a drummer, but it's a loud, but also it's loud. And the guy's like, Oh, don't, don't worry about that. And they're like, we're cool with it. That sounds great.

Yeah. Yeah. Who doesn't want a drummer living downstairs from them in their apartment? Right. But again, like this movie has so little awareness of comedy that it's not even, it doesn't even take the time to have some fun with that before he goes down and knocks on the door and he's like, Hey, do you want to join my band? And the guy's like, yes, I do. The guy whose name by the whose name is Luke, Matt and Mark and Luke and the unhoused guy is John. That's it. You got to watch this movie a couple of times to get the we find out his name was Jesus at the end. So they're like, Hey, do you want to join our band?

Oh, sorry. First we have to establish that he's a science teacher. Yeah, that comes back in handy later. You're going to want to remember that. Oh yeah. But he air quotes science when he says, I'm a science teacher, you know, science. And it was like, uh-huh. He's like, do you want to play in our band?

And he's like, yes. And they're like, it's a church band. He's like, less. Yes. Now I'll think about it. He's not sure because of the science. This is how REM started, I think. So all right. So meanwhile, in that more interesting alternative movie that keeps sneaking in,

the sisters are back home in Louisiana with dad and he tells them about this very cool praise band in town. Yeah. He's like, you should sing with them. And they're like, I don't know, it's just act two still. No, and we won't not for the whole fucking movie. Nope, not until the very end.

So, okay. So then we cut to practice for the praise band. Luke does show up. He's not so sure about it, but he'll show up long enough to practice exactly one song with them and then leave. But he also is like, uh, an electric drum kit. Yeah. Uh huh.

Yeah. They have like Roland V-Drums. That means they bought that already a while ago. They do have a budget. Yeah. Yeah. Wayne, Wayne apparently was pretty generous. What kind of old timey, proper gospel music has V drums in it is what I want to know.

Yeah. Great question. Yeah. But so that he gets everybody together, he's like, all right, let's play something. And they're like, should we agree on a song or at least a key? And he's like, no, three, two, one, go. And there is something to three, four. And they all know that they're doing the music. Lord, we come to praise you. And they're like, play something two, three, four. And they all know that they're doing the music. Lord, we come to praise you. And they're on it.

Yeah. Yes. In G flat. Yeah. So they sing another song about how God is really good at being God. Yep. By the way, there's no songs where God is like, not great. No, there isn't.

There's. Yeah. Who are you comparing him to? By the way, there's no songs where God is like not great. No, there isn't there's yeah Who are you comparing him to? It's so boring and long and they have to show us stuff during it cuz it's a movie and they're like, I don't know We'll show flavor town. He's still got his wedding ring on while he's playing the bass over over and over the same thing Yeah, oh no, we'll show Paul the sound guy. He'll do the one ear DJ thing. And they show up for a second. Yeah, because Paul the sound guy, Jenny's husband, was like, I don't really know how to do sound for this,

but there seems to be no issues at all. No, again, it's one of those fanned plot devices where he's like, oh wow, I've never done a band like this before. I don't know that I can. Oh, nope, nope, I've got it. I've got it actually. Just the other knobs on this big board that I'm staring at. They actually show him move one fader for a second. Yeah. And then do the one near DJ

thing, but the headphones are both facing in. So he's just got him smashed against his ear. So okay. So then they get done with the song. James loves it. Pastor James thinks they sound great. And he's like, Hey, Mark, could you lead us in prayer? And so Mark does a prayer. Luke, the whole time, cause Luke is a science teacher is just like fucking whatever. He's trying not to laugh out loud at the silliness of their prayer. But even that is not as extreme as it should be. Right. Yeah.

He's like, he's like, yeah, okay. Yeah. You know, I don't agree with your religion, but I guess I'll help sell it. What? Rattle, rattle, rattle. Hold still while you do it. Yeah. And then after that, they go, so are you in the band? And he says, yes, I'll play for you guys, but I'm not comfortable playing for a church,

which is an insane sentence because they are playing in a church. There's no outside gigs available. To be fair we don't know the music scene in this undetermined town like there might be a burgeoning music scene that we don't know about. Oh that's fair. That's true. Why did he put science and air quotes if he's kind of an atheist? Like he is like a Scientology town like Clearwater, Florida where everybody feels this way. Mmm okay all right All right. Got to fit in. So yeah. And of course, this stupid fucking movie, Pastor James, as he's walking away, he goes, Hey, wait a minute. You guys are named Luke,

Mark, and Matthew. That's three of the four gospels in case anyone didn't notice that. Don't look into the camera, James. Yeah, I expected. We've almost collected all the infinity stones. Yeah. Right. Yeah. So OK. So that night, Wayne and his wife were getting ready for bed. Wayne didn't chirp out this here praise band,

but his wife is kind of liking it now. Completely separate rooms that they brush their teeth in, by the way. Do you notice that? Yeah, obviously. You don't want to see the dirty gum work of your wife. And this is the first time that a character will voice the objection to the praise band. And it's just insane.

Yeah. Right? It's like, I want music with a piano and a choir. And she's like, they do have a piano. And he's like, no, it's, it's plugged into an amplifier. It doesn't count. The percussion is gay or something. I don't know.

Right. So look, cause he's grumbling gay or something. I don't know. Right. Look, cause he's grumbling about it. I wrote my notes at this point. Oh, please tell me he was in a boy band in his youth and has never gotten over his disillusionment. But no, it's just, he goes, I want to hear people sing like my granny sang. Yeah. Well, that was the thing. And I was like, are we going to explore that relationship with his grandma at some point?

Cause I was like, there's something there obviously with his grandma. And then that never really gets explored. No, no, no, no, no. And then so fucking the wife turns on, she's like, well, I think it's good. And she turns off the lights and then nine seconds of darkness later, he turns the lights back on and continues complaining. And by the way, in those nine seconds, they already had sex missionary style. Yeah, exactly.

Oh, that's what was going on. Okay. Yeah. So, but yeah, he wants the same music forever and ever. And his wife goes, well, you know, all music is God's music. Oh yeah. Women. All right. Well, clearly that's all the conflict we've got for this one. So we're going to take a break there.

But first, let me give Act 3 one of the most uphill hard sells I've ever had to conjure. Will Kroger have the coffee creamer James likes when he stops by on his way home? Will Ginny be able to find parking convenient to the festival? Can Mark combine his Dunkin Donuts coupon with the in-store special? Find out the answers to questions with even lower stakes than these when we return for the, I guess that's about the runtime conclusion of... Praise Band. Rabble rabble rabble rabble.

You can combine those, but you have to make a scene first. Yeah. This is an ad by BetterHelp. Okay, so this guy I found on Google, his profile says, you can be gay for now. Ooh, that feels worse. Way worse. Hey guys, you ready to finish the podcast?

Yeah, sorry, Ryan, we were trying to find an LGBTQ affirming therapist. Oh, yeah, oof, that can be really tough depending on your location. Exactly. Everyone should get the mental health care that affirms their sexuality and gender, but it can be really hard to find. Well, I mean, have you guys tried BetterHelp? What's BetterHelp? Seriously? Don't you have like a message to deliver?

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Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash awful. That's better, H-E-L-P dot com slash awful. Okay, thanks, Ryan. Can I have this honey smoked turkey? My name is literally on the container. You guys have a really weird show. No, we do. Don't take off the tape.

Mark, what we shared was very special, but I want a divorce. No you don't. No you don't, babe. Look, I know this is hard for- sorry, what? No, you do I want a divorce. Uh, no you don't. No you don't, babe. Look, I know this is hard for- sorry, what? No, you do not want a divorce. We are married and you forgive me. Okay, Mark, you literally can't tell me what I feel about- Uh, yes I can. What you feel is love.

Love for me. You love me. Mark, I understand that this- No, no, no. You don't marry. You like me. Mark. You forgive me. me mark love me forever now. Hey folks. You get a chance to look at the menus Yeah, I'll have the fettuccine Alfredo. Oh

I'm afraid we're out of that No, you're not. Sorry. Did you say fettuccine Alfredo? You have it. Yes, you do. Sorry, he does this. I see that. No, I don't. Pfft. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha the moldy duck bread scene. As you'll recall, Luke the drummer is a science teacher. Science teacher. So air quotes. We're going to join him at science class talking about that science so called of the Big Bang. It's such nonsense. He's like, as usual, I'm ending science class by saying the Big Bang theory is real and God is dead end of science class.

Yeah. So they set up an interesting discussion here. That's where a spirited and inquisitive young youngster who was not written for by a crazy adult says, but teacher, what about this new theory of intelligent design I have heard so much about? What about the widespread belief of it? And I'm like it's wrong. It's demonstrably incorrect. He gives the big long sigh and he's like well you know that one's not grounded in science and and one girl goes well actually it is scientifically grounded

thank you. Many scientists are investigating the theory. I'm like that's many scientists investigate that's not how. This guy's Jewish get him! And what's amazing is she's she's doing the invisible watchmaker apologetic but what's wonderful about the invisible watchmaker apologetic is that it has been reduced to a nonsense sentence right it was never a good apologetic, right? Because the best version is the universe is too complicated. How can this all be an accident, right? But what that is instead turned into in modern Christian parlance is if I saw a watch, I would not believe that just happened.

Yeah. Well, right. Because it's coded this way, right? Because they're like, you get it, you know, right? Because it's for their audience. Yeah. And also, I just want to point out that the people who write this, they know how knowledge works so little that they don't even see the inherent issue in the fact that these students are telling their credentialed science teacher what is and isn't science. Well, science.

Yes. Science. Well, science. Yes. Science, yeah, science. And by the way, they shoehorned this in and this is literally the only actual semi-argument of the whole movie. Yes, yeah. This is the closest they get. This is finally, there's some sort of pushback and it's weird, it's against the science teacher.

Yeah. They might as well just be like, what about the watch thing, right? Am I right? She gets it and then cut that's it Yeah, it's just for audience. What's basically that's what happens Yeah, yeah when she says if you found a watch on the ground my eyes rolled so far back in my head I had to watch the rest of the movie out of my ass

So if I don't know what happened on a couple of these scenes That's why tunnel vision and if you find a watch on the ground give it to the homeless guy Use a watch on the ground, give it to the homeless guy in the park. Exactly. It's a good use of watch. Think upon it, maybe. So you're loving God designed watches and homelessness? Is that what you're saying? Cut. Cut.

I'm God for Seiko. God has forsaken me. So yeah, so okay. And then we get a quick scene where Matt is opening his mail and someone has sent him a very long list of hymns that he should play and unfolds for so long. Womp, womp. And then, okay, so then we check in on homeless John, right? The black pastor.

John is his name. In case you hadn't noticed. Ding. So the pastor's there and he goes like, so hey, what's your backstory? And he goes, well, you know, I left home at 14. I have had abusive parents and the minister says to that, I shit you not. He goes, so you really don't mind living on the streets?

Ha ha ha ha. What, he didn't say that. I mean, look, this is a nation of bootstraps and I assume if you wanted a house you would have one so you're just like an outdoorsy guy? Well yeah because he says you know he says well you know if I had it all to do over again I'd have made the same choices and he's like oh so you like the situation that you're in he's like no man he likes it better than having like being abused by his parents. I got a crust of a bootstrap. Is this helpful? Well, half. You can have half of the crust.

That's why I thought they were setting up a cinematic universe because I was like, we're going to see a prequel of Homeless John's life at some point because there's stories. I was like, is this going to be a TV series of Homeless John? And Danny talked about being these like, you know, homeless shelters, you know, the way they look at you, don't you? Yeah. And I was like, what is that? I don't know that. Yeah.

Lucky me, I guess. But yeah, there's also this kind of like, they alluded to this several times that the unhoused guy is like, Hey, you know, most of the time Christians just look down at me and they don't like take the time to help me. But once in a while they give me their duck bread. And that's how I know I found a good one. That's how I know you're a true Scotsman, yeah. Yeah, exactly.

By the way, he's probably saved like three-fourths of that bread. He's like, something for later. Yeah, right. Exactly. He's like, I see you still have that Bible. Have you read that? And he's like, I'm like, man, he just told you that his guitar was stolen and that he has absolutely nothing.

And he told you about his abuse of freedom. Just saying you have free time now that you don't have a guitar anymore. By the way, the pastor probably stole that guitar. You can fashion the outside of that Bible into a bootstrap. It's kind of got like a leathery feel to it. There you go. Yeah. So, okay.

So then we get this quick, we get what is supposed to be a montage of the praise band, you know, making the church more and more popular. And that ultimately resolves on this festival that the church is having at the park. Right. This is where we're going to meet the worst mustache in the history of mustaches. God, it's boring Coachella. Oh my God, this terrifying. Yeah.

This man did a sex crime. Like just out of the frame. Okay. And then did this. Well that was that I think he's isn't that like a full wig because it has that little shock of gray at the front of the way. Yeah. Oh yeah. So there was an intentional modified mullet on her as a wig. Yep. Okay. He went mullet he decided to go mullet and he worked hard to get there. Yeah. So but he's explaining to everybody he opens the scene by telling everybody it's open mic day. I don't know. Wow. We could sure make him regret that decision. Couldn't we? So, but he goes, it's open mic day. There are balloons over there and clowns over there and lemonade. It's all off camera. Trust us. It's there though.

It's over there. Trust us. And then he says, thank you. And there's no applause. There's like another hilarious lack of applause. But this is of course all setting up the time that the sisters that we've seen so much of can finally get up and like to the open mic and sing acapella. And they're like, wow, you could be our backup singers. Exactly. That's what this entire scene existed for. Yeah, for this all white band to turn to the women of color and go, you know what you would be great at? Right.

The help. Yes, right, right. All four of you are better singers than any of the singers we have in our band, of course, but you know, you know. And by the way, I think this lady band is like an actual Christian band for in real life.

Oh, is it? Well, they were really talented. Like they were good. They were good. Because I think they were like credited as like a band name. Oh, like Serenity. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Serenity. Yeah. And they make them backup vocals with one. They don't even get four mics. They get one mic. No, I have to share them. Yeah.

It's a Bechdel fail, but also adding lack of talent and racism. It is. Right. Right. Yeah. So no, of course we should point out the other reason for this festival shot is that they promised everybody who's going to be in their movie pizza. Yeah. And so they might as well get a shot of everybody having that delicious Domino's pizza to use in the film. I just have to talk about this one scene because honestly the montage of them eating pizza while a homeless guy sleeps on an open-air brick wall. It would be great if they had a pile of pizza crust to give him later. No pizza, but we saved you the crust. Or he wanders over for a piece and they slap his hand and hand him another pie.

Yeah, exactly. A duck steals his slice. Yeah. You took my bread, motherfucker. Yeah, exactly. And the reason, of course, that they're having a festival at the park is so that homeless John can see him and say, Hey, can I play one of them, their guitars? And of course he's, he's a, well, but like in the writers mind, he's an amazing singer in reality. He's a pretty good he's he's fine. Okay. So I have to talk about this because this is how he just sings a Christian song. Boo, whatever. I have to talk about how funny this setup is though. He goes, you know, a while ago, he's like at the open mic. A while ago, I had a preacher who gave me a book and here's the song I wrote and then he plays the most

tropey fan servicey Christian music garbage song like the idea that anyone would read the Bible and then be like the blood Like crown of thorns or something like that the blood runs down his face. It's a there was a pretty graphic fucking song blood runs down his face. It was a pretty graphic fucking song. If someone told me they had read the Bible and wrote this song, I would check them into a hospital. Yeah. What a one in a million shot that this guy actually

can play the guitar and sing. Well, yeah, because he goes- Worked out nicely. Just the random person that Matt meets at the park goes, hey, can I touch your guitar? And he's like, only if you play at the open mic and sing to everybody. Wow, that probably doesn't work out 99 times. No, not at all.

Hey, everybody, I just wanted to jerk off onto this guy's guitar, but he says I have to play it. So playing funk flounders, I could play. I see that guitar has a hole in it that I can put my Johnson in. So, yeah. say I could play. I see that guitar has a hole in it that I can put my Johnson in. So yeah, and also this song is so fucking long that when he started doing the last verse, I laughed out loud. I thought the song was over and he's like, nope, I'm still going. I'm like, God damn it, man. So, but after the song is over, Matt says, wow, hey, you know, we're one gospel short and your name is John, would you like to be in our band now?

He's like, well, I'd like a home more. Does it pay being in your band? He's like, no, no, it doesn't. We will only exploit you. He's like, well, surely it's more of an internship. You could play for exposure. Yeah. Well, right, right.

Well, like the, well, I've actually got a problem with that. No, no, it's not what we meant. And this is another thing where I had this dream sequence where it's like they started playing and then all of a sudden you see like the montage of them getting bigger and bigger and on the cover of like Christian Rolling Stone, you know, like I just thought they were gonna take off.

And John's still homeless the whole time. Yeah. Well, but okay, but this is where again, any competent movie would have James say, well, you know, we have an old apartment back out in the back of the church where, you know, the church custodian used to say, the position doesn't pay much, but it would help you get back on your feet. But they don't because the movie is so incompetent that for all we know, John remains homeless

throughout the entire goddamn movie. Well, you will notice when he does play at the church, he is in like a sports jacket and he's like changed his look in the scene from their plane. He's got a ponytail now, yeah. But for all we know, they just make him do that at the front. So yeah, so but now he's in the band and the sisters are their background singers and Paul is just rocking that as the sound man, right? And okay, one moment during this number, the movie tries to do like, oh, the big pause

in the music and then drop the beat. And the movie missed the beat that they were dropping in their movie that they could edit if they wanted to. Yes! Do the big pause! It doesn't come back in. In terms of the visual action, it's the best. Ah. So, okay.

So then, the next morning, Matt gets a phone call. Well, first of all, the fucking screen blacks out so long we we had time to record an episode of D&D minus. Right? It was, the screen went black so long that all of us were like, did I hit pause or what happened to the movie? But no, but then it finally comes back. Matt is getting a phone call. Wayne had a heart attack.

Yeah, but you didn't notice with the sound cue, it was like beep, beep, it was like a heart beating. Oh, oh. We didn't catch that. That was in sound cue, it was like beep beep. It was like a heart beating. Oh, I didn't catch that. That was in the black. That was in the black. There was a heart beating. Oh, it was artis. It was setting up the heart attack.

Oh, I thought that was the V drums. So okay. Yeah, no, I just I missed the movie's artsy turn there. Yeah. So, but Wayne has had a heart attack and James is so far away that he can't get to the hospital right right away. So he asks if Matt can go wait with the family. Do they always ask Matt to go anywhere, like drive three hours, go to the hospital,

whatever you need. Right. Right. But Matt, who like significantly, Wayne hates hates him. Well, Wayne had a heart attack because of this band crap yes yes exactly this band almost killed him and now they're asking Wayne to go to the room to go to the fucking Wayne's family heard a bunch of V drums he started masturbating furiously this would be like if the first person no illusions saw when he woke up from his heart attack was Don Ford voice of fantasy and adventure. We were just like, we were worried about you, buddy.

Don, I would love to see you. Don's been here by your side the whole time. We had him take Lucinda's car. No. He said he had a stroke. Go ahead. So, okay. Masturbating. So, oh, but then the pastor says, while he's on the phone with me, he says,

oh, by the way, Mark forgot his cell phone at the festival. I have that in case that's plot relevant later. Dude, that part was like amazing because you know that's going to come back in later. But also I just kept thinking like, that's why I was like, oh, is this 98? Like the people have no addiction to their cell phones in this movie.

So like Mark, he doesn't have his cell phone and Mark is not actively looking for his cell phone at all. Yeah. Right. And also by the way, nobody has had a cell phone for this whole fucking movie. Everybody's been talking on a phone on the wall that lives in its own room, this entire fucking movie up to this point.

So they didn't even need to set this shit up. So, okay. So now we cut to the own room, this entire fucking movie up to this point. So they didn't even need to set this shit up. So, OK, so now we cut to the hospital room, the waiting room, rather bathed in shitty Christian music, Jenny shows up to ask Ma, Ma, how Pawpaw is doing. And by the way, the wife does not seem concerned at all. No, no, she's like, finally going to clear out some space in the basement. Get it. I'm going gonna get a water bath Okay, but we've all met this lady right the guy who everyone hates and here His wife is just fucking humming in the emergency room

Oh, I'm sure oh, you mean everyone paying attention to me and I don't have to talk to him anymore. Oh What a bad week I'm having. Right, right. I would like to hear 30 years worth of stories that he told me to shut up while I was telling. Why do you have four different types of pillow with you right now? Don't worry about it. But also when he said I have Mark's cell phone and I just kept thinking, why is it Mark concerned he doesn't have his cell phone? Mark strikes me as a guy that might have multiple phones for his like dirty work. Oh, interesting. Yeah, he's got his porn phone separate. So that's his church phone. Yeah, exactly.

Okay, so we cut to Luke. He's driving Matt to the hospital. And we had the conversation where Luke is like, you know, I'm really scared to die because I'm an atheist with the science and everything. And thus death scares me. And, and, and of course, Matt's like, Oh, I don't, I'm not, you know, I live forever in paradise. So it doesn't really bother me at all. Which by the way, thank God the science teacher was driving because if Matt was driving and he was talking about not being afraid to die, I'd be so scared. He'd be like, yeah, we're going to a great place. It's so weird that you have your seatbelt on then.

Yeah. Well, what I love is again, in usual again, in a finer quality Christian film, right? This is where the Luke character would go, wow, that's really comforting. Oh man, I've never thought of it that way. But he just turns back to the road and the scene ends. Yes. You know, the way you and I would react. Yes.

See, that's why there's got to be a sequel to this movie because I know this science teacher is eventually going gonna come around to God We just don't see it. We don't Ryan has been pitching us to fund his self-produced I'm gonna reach out to these people and see if I can remake all of this. Yeah, there you go. There you go Do you have $11 in a camcorder with your grandpa's porn on it? The first thing we need to do is just recut the whole thing with Rick James playing pastor James The first thing we need to do is just recut the whole thing with Rick James playing Pastor James First and foremost, so okay. So but then we cut to Pastor James. We and he's with his wife He goes hey, honey

Can you make a thermos for me and she's like I can't make that yourself you lazy fuck and she goes Do you want to pray first and he goes? Oh, yeah You know, there is literally anything useful that I could be doing but I should probably do that first I like that they have a giant Tupperware of animal crackers Oh, yeah on the counter like all the time like it's out like beer nuts at a bar like they're having those a lot like an M&Ms dish yes, fuck yeah podcast listener. This is the words I have exactly written in my notes don't expect any jokes from Heath for this scene He will be distracted by the large Tupperware container of animal crackers

Never let it be known that I don't know my cohort. Stop interrupting. The animal crackers look like really, really good ones. The Barnum and Bailey? I feel like they got a whole bunch of small Barnum and Bailey unfrosted, but they opened up all those packages and put them into the tupperware so they stay fresh. So yeah, so he does this prayer and the prayer is amazing Rick, because he goes, you know, me and Wayne have had our differences, but yet somehow I don't want him to die. Right?

The movie acts like this is a very impressive and selfless thing that James is doing using his magic healing powers on a guy he doesn't particularly care for, even when he's on vacation. Yeah, he prays for Wayne the way my wife admits she's married to me. Right? It's just like, hehehehe, what can I say? Blah blah blah blah blah blah, here we are. Yeah, he calls... Health insurance is expensive.

Hehehehehehe. He calls Betsy and he's like, you know, hey, everybody pray for Wayne, he had a heart attack. And she's like, aren't you on vacation? And he's like, you know, hey, everybody pray for Wayne. He had a heart attack and she's like, aren't you on vacation? And he's like, could you believe it? I'm even now still pre-turing. So then, okay, so then we check in on John and the now cell phone list, Mark at a restaurant together.

Which by the way, how did, how, without a phone, how did he know? Like in the homeless man doesn't have a phone obviously, but then like, how did they know? Like, and the homeless man doesn't have a phone, obviously, but then like, how did they know to go to this restaurant together? So I think what we're supposed to believe is that the band is like always meets here and on this morning or whatever. Cause later they'll be like, oh wait, Matt's late, you know, and have to find him.

So, but this is the greatest example of Mark repeatedly trying to steer the conversation back to his impending divorce. Oh. Right, because John is talking about his problems, which are, you know, hefty enough problems Mark repeatedly trying to steer the conversation back to his impending divorce. Oh. Right? Because John is talking about his problems, which are, you know, hefty enough problems that they've left him like sleeping in a fucking park.

Right? But Mark just keeps trying to hijack the conversation by going like, oh yeah, it's like my wife, you know, when she kicked me out, I had to sleep on a friend's couch for two nights. That's homeless. We're tied. So let's talk about my thing instead. He just keeps interrupting him with wife comparisons. It's like a comedy sketch. Well, yeah, you say the homeless man's like, what people always judge me. He's like, well,

my wife filed for divorce. What room do I have to judge? And then the homeless guy is like, most people look at my face and don't get past that. And then he's like, I got to tell you, sometimes hairdryers were thrown. Yes, yes. That's, those are the exact lines back to back. Like that's the, yeah. Again, it's like a comedy routine, except the movie doesn't know that it's a comedy routine.

Right, the movie is unaware that Mark is being an asshole here. Yeah. Which is fucking hilarious. Okay. It's incredible. Yeah. So, okay. So now we cut to the waiting room. Ginny and Paul are praying together. Remember Paul, that very important character? And this is where the cell, the missing cell phone thing pays off, right? So Pastor James

has the cell phone and it starts ringing. So he answers it and it's the ex-wife, right? She's like, is this Mark's phone? And he's like, yes. Oh, Mark is on his way to the hospital and then her phone dies. Yeah. Right. Leaving her to believe that Mark is in the hospital. Super weird.

Okay. So just to be clear, God's plan, and that's what they're setting up here. They're saying God's plan was to drop a cell phone call strategically to make Mary his ex sad that he, Flavortown, might be dying but then he won't be but she's still gonna be like okay I love you though. I mean that's what they're going for. Intelligent design. It's intelligent design. So it's that's very scientifically grounded as I understand it theory. So it's even worse than that. As far as I can tell, God gave Wayne a heart attack so that Pastor James would be in the hospital

when Mary called. Lizzie, you gotta crack some eggs. No, you don't. You're omnipotent. You can just keep them all intact and also conjure an omelet, you piece of shit. So Mark gets to the hospital, gets his cell phone, he's like, hey, your wife just called and he's like, oh, I'll just call her right back and ruin this bit.

But no, he gets the voicemail, her phone's dead. So then Luke has to confess that he actually doesn't believe in all this Christian nonsense, which is hilarious because they've had no reason to believe that he does to this point. Like everything he said has indicated that he doesn't believe in their religion. Right. But he's just like staring sadly out the window being like, crisis of faith, crisis of faith. Yeah. And they're like, Hey, Luke, you were mumbling crisis of faith.

You okay? Well, there's a moment and we see this a lot in Christian movies, right? Where he's like, you know, I used to think you had to be stupid to believe in Christianity, but I was wrong. In order to join your form of Christianity, I don't have to leave my intellect at the door. That's his actual fucking line. I don't have to leave my intellect at the door. And first of all, I'm just sorry, but like- We've seen nothing to back that up in this film, by the way. No, no, it did. His fucking students argued with him about fucking Big Bang. Other than that, we've had no arguments

in favor of their religion. And also, like, I'm sorry, but you can be our religion without being an idiot is such a low ball claim. The fact that they fail on it is a separate issue altogether. Also, you can't. Right. But it's such a low ball claim to begin with. Yeah.

Holy shit. And he's like, yeah, I'm a man of science, but this church, you know, it's backed by science. So I love it. Very next thing he says, also based on science, I decided to play with your shitty church band on a spiritual hunch. And I think it's intelligent design.

Yes. Something was telling me to play with your band. Was it the fact that you played drums and didn't have a band? I mean, like, you know, there are instruments where you're like, you know, like if you're a guitarist, maybe you don't want to play with a band, but if you're a drummer, you need a fucking band. So true. So, and then the nurse comes out, the nurse is like, it turns out Wayne's going to be okay. And I'm like, that's a hell of a prognosis for a guy who just had a heart attack. And by the way, they have a shot at what like talk, Wayne's talk like, Hey, you knew it. Like he's fine? He's like, how's everybody doing? He's foghorn leghorn in his way through the fucking hospital at this point. Yeah

Yeah, don't worry. Nothing has happened in the film And then so Wayne's wife goes back to him and then she comes out as she turns to matt The the fucking praise band leader and she goes He wants to see you Hey, you're a named character right I'm not you got to talk to him you're the main fucking character his granddaughter is right there grandma walks right past Jenny and goes he actually wants to talk to you the guitar player that he hates first and wait like And Wayne's like, I need you to drive three hours to grab me something, Matt.

Send Gideon on your way out. Oh shit. But he's like, you know, I'm sorry for the way I treated you. And we're like, we've never seen these two people interact in the movie. Yeah. How did he treat him? Did the writer mean to have scenes where Wayne was mean to Matt and then forget? It would make sense for James to have this conversation with Wayne. Sure. Yeah, right, right exactly. Yeah, yeah, but no

He's like, I'm sorry. I treated you bad. I'm sorry. I thought you were such a piece of shit He's like, well, I didn't know you thought I was a piece of shit. You just said that well, right, but I'm sorry about it He explains that he was afraid of those liberal different chord progressions. Or sorry, no, same chord progressions on different instruments. Yeah. If anything, simply. Yes, right. But with drums. But he's learned something here today. It's all God's music, anywho. Right? Yeah.

So then we've got to resolve this, this bloodline. Mary rushes in to see Mark, right? She's like, I, is Mark here at this hospital? And the nurse is like, no, nobody, nobody checked in by that name. And then she sees him in the waiting room and throws her arms around him. And having considered what life would really be like without him decides she doesn't want to get divorced anymore. So stupid. And by the way, I'm sure she's familiar with the layout of a hospital being married to

the stufas. Fake a medical emergency and your wife will take you back this movie. I want her to be like, all right, well, you're okay. Going to take off. Sign those papers. Right. Yes, yeah. I was kind of hoping to get to watch the light leave your eyes.

Well, I didn't want you to die before I got here. See you in February. Right, but again, consider all of the better, so what I thought they were setting up with when he had the phone was that she would call and she's like, I want to talk to that asshole husband. Oh, well, this is his pastor. And she would go, his pastor?

He's like, oh yeah, he's been really active at the church for the last couple, he's playing with the church band pastor. He's like, oh yeah he's been really active at the church for the last couple of years. He's playing with the church band and she's like, oh he's really turning his life around. Like I thought that's where they were going. Yeah. And it was even lazier than that. So much dumber than that. So much dumber. I wanted her to run in with her new girlfriend. That was fantastic. I wanted you to meet her before you died. I wanted this to be the last thing that happened. But yeah, and then fucking Wayne starts narrating the credits like he's been spinning this whole yarn the whole time.

It's the best. It's like, oh, hello. We have a narrator now. It's me, The End. Seriously? Yes. Remember me, the asshole? I am redeemed as a character now.

We have no idea how to get out of this movie except for me to say, goodbye! And then I have in my notes at this point like 14 different questions. Why did we give the backup singers a story? Right? Why was that story, their dreams were crushed and they moved back into dad's basement? Whatever happened to Patty? Why was Pastor Greg in the movie? Why was the black pastor in the movie? Why weren't those guys the same guy?

Why weren't those guys Pastor James? Why would the credits have a fucking photograph of church member four for I have so many Well, I think they were investors in the movie. That was like my theory. Oh, we do a photo montage This is our Twin Peaks everybody watch the spin-off podcast We're just gonna get on with Ryan once a day until we really hammered out the questions we have. And of course, the twist ending to the whole movie, right, is that the very end of the

picture credits where they credit the guy who did the singing that Matt is lip syncing for. And we all went, that wasn't really him singing. That was my favorite part when they did. Which they did the same thing with Zac Efron on High School Musical, which is so funny is that Zac Efron did not sing and they had some other guy, this guy Drew Sealy, and that was a big thing and they couldn't like at first, they didn't want that information to get out there.

And yeah, I have now lost respect for Zac Efron. I lost respect. I lost respect for the entire High School Musical franchise. There wasn't a lot of room and I lost respect. I lost respect for the entire high school musical franchise. There wasn't a lot of room and I lost it. Right? Same. Same. All right. Well, damn it. Now, so, Ryan, everything was going great.

And then now you're ending us on that depressing ass note right there. But but despite that, thank you so much for hanging out with us today. It's been a blast to watch a movie with you. Thank you, guys. This was a wild experience. I didn't know what to expect, but you guys are awesome.

All right. Well, I'm glad you had fun. And of course, if our listeners wanted to hear more from you, where should they go? It's just Yeah, it's called So Bad It's Good with Ryan Bailey. We're on like five days a week. It's like a lot of pop culture and reality TV. So I'll break down reality shows like you guys break down these amazing Christian films. And yeah, it's just pretty silly, but we have a lot of pop culture stories and things like that. So you can just search it on Apple podcasts and Spotify or go to our YouTube channel or any of that stuff. But yeah, this is a blast. Nice. All right. And of course we'll have

all of that linked on the show notes as well. It's a fantastic show. Golden Bachelor. Yeah. Golden Bachelor. I love Golden Bachelor. I love golden bachelor. I just got into that nice I love it way more than the actual bachelor franchise me too interesting. Yeah. All right Well, and and if you want to know why well, you have to check the show notes and find more about Ryan's show And well, that's gonna do it for our review of praise man That's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need to make this same mistake again So Eli tell us what's on deck while vacationing separately in small town USA,

Elwood and Nora, two of Santa's elves, was even urgent transmission, initiating a series of events that will change their lives and the world forever. We'll be watching Summertime Christmas. Okay, that's just fucking weird. So with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode 511 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Ryan from the So Bad It's Good

podcast for all his help and perhaps even huger thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make this show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation of patreon.com slash God awful and thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving us a five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Scathing Alias, Citation Needed, D&D Minus, and The Skeptical Guide available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email godolphinmoviesatgmail.com.

Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick from The Drafts on Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heath Enright and Eli Bosnik. I'm Noah Lucius. Promise to work hard to earn another check next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the American graffiti clothes.

Breakfast club clothes. No. Can't just change the podcast. I can't change the podcast. You can't. I can't. Then you have to admit you're the boss. Flavortown Monarch went on to fake a heart attack every time he was shitty.

Oh no. Then he got caught faking a heart attack and he f fake a heart attack every time he was shitty. Oh no. But then he got caught faking a heart attack and he faked a heart attack and married divorced him. Mary's a listener now to this jashian. Hi Mary. John still sleeps in that park as far as we know. Wayne Wilson did die the next day.

Those black sisters just quit music? I guess. Yeah, dreams were crushed. And this and ending us on a downer again, Dan. I'm gonna put it in the grill cheese sandos as well as as well as over 100. Yeah, it was a good break. Sandos. Come on. It's in the maker. I know.

I know. I know. I made it through as well as over 100 seasonal sna- All right. Now just keep in mind, sandos can't be a running. Oh no, wait, we get sandos in the first ad. That's right. Yeah. So in mind Sandoz can't be a running... Oh no wait, we get Sandoz in the first ad. That's right. Yeah. So we got Sandoz all throughout.

I have to put... For patrons who get the ad free version, I have to say, hey guys, there was a Sandoz joke in this ad. Sandoz ad. I'm going to chime in. All right. Interstitial 2. This content is canned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4255 or on their website at creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2025, all rights reserved.