God Awful Movies - 512: Summertime Christmas

Episode Date: June 24, 2025

This week, Thomas and Lydia from Where There's Woke join us for a review of the pro-child abuse Christmas movie, Summertime Christmas. And if you don't believe me, I get it. I'm just a blurb. But that's really what we watched. Hear more from Thomas and Lydia on Where There’s Woke and Gavel Gavel Check out more from Thomas on Opening Arguments If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/ Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

Time is precious and so are our pets. So time with our pets is extra precious. That's why we started Dutch. Dutch provides 24-7 access to licensed vets with unlimited virtual visits and follow-ups for up to five pets. You can message a vet at any time and schedule a video visit the same day. Our vets can even prescribe medication for many ailments

and shipping is always free. With Dutch, you'll get more time with your pets and year-round peace of mind when it comes to their vet care. I think he's about to show him a car with a secret panel where you can hide the Epstein Island children. Yeah, yeah, this one's soundproof trunk here. So weird. Is that why he asks if soundproof trunk here. Yeah. Oh, it's so weird. Is that why he asks if he has any luggage?

Yeah! And he says that asking about luggage is the standard question you ask when you're renting a car to somebody? Are you going to bring any cheese pizza with you? I was trying to think of the like, what was the furniture one they did? Oh, Wayfair. Yeah. We ordered some stuff off Wayfair.

Oh no, I gotcha, I gotcha. God awful. We ordered some stuff off Wayfair. Oh no, I gotcha, I gotcha. ["God Awful Movie Theme"] God Awful Movie Movie ["God Awful Movie Theme"] Welcome back to the GAMCast where each week we sample another selection

from Christian Cinema because true crime ain't got nothing on us. I'm your host Eli Bosnick, Keith and Noah had to leave their hometowns to celebrate Heath's wedding this week so they won't be able to join us. But sitting 2897 miles to my immediate left are my good friends, host of the Where There's Woke podcast and the only guest masochists Noah and Heath trust me to be alone with Thomas and Lydia Smith. Thomas, Thomas Lydia welcome back to the show They are already regretting leaving you This the reason why we weren't invited to Ann and Heath sweating. This is it back

We had to cover for the game. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, okay. It all makes sense now Tom actually was at the wedding That's why he missed your best Just Just you guys gam cover came before friendship. I look, I've got a theory, Eli. I think this isn't going up. I don't think anyone's ever hearing this. I think that your delightful friends and business partners have pranked you hard. And us.

Yeah, no, we're just accessories to this crime. By what we had to watch. Unknowing victims. I don't think this will ever see the light of day day this recording. This is the cover. They stole the business We go to post this on patreon. That's when we're gonna find out look at your microphone. The cables is not going It's just like they end of the law enough Now Smith's we have to cover something very important before we get into our cinematic selection this week

Which that we have to mention because this happens every time we have you on the show. Thomas, you are on a little podcast known as Opening Arguments these days, aren't you? And so if someone wanted to tune in, they could go hear you over at Opening Arguments. Is that correct? Yeah. Me and Matt Cameron. And not a bad person.

A really nice lawyer who is an immigration attorney who helps people who need it. And this has good insight right now for these particular times. Why? What's going on? Is there anything in the news about immigration? Yeah, there's some immigration related news. I didn't see anything on the TikTok, so I think you're... But also people should check out Gavel Gavel. We haven't gotten a chance to tell people about that. Oh yeah! You haven't got to talk about Gavel Gavel yet. Give it a plug. Yeah, we are doing... If you are interested everyone in the Blake Lively,

Ryan Reynolds, Justin Baldoni Legal battle, please check out gavel gavel. We are covering it extensively It is so fascinating to us and it bears an uncanny resemblance to things that I've gone through actually weirdly enough You know so a lot of relevance there. It's true. Those text messages you sent to Blake Lively were really unacceptable There is true those text messages you sent to Blake Lively were really unacceptable I did leave Eli a 20-minute voice memo where I just like tried to use Sexuality into his ear. Yeah, that does happen in the middle of the night. That's that's called Thomas reads the Bible, everybody. He's gonna be old school to fill in that one. All right, so past masochisms aside, tell us Lydia, what deep web underground film

will we be breaking down today? You know, one of the finest films of 2010, probably. This is called Summertime Christmas. And this is from a production company called the Aaron Crook Films and you know me I had to do a little deep dive so we're gonna take hell yeah how many donkeys do they have? Zero donkeys unfortunately however this is this is a very interesting there there's like some heartbreak in this journey

yeah us having to watch this fucking piece of shit. I agree. But I just I had, I had to. I had to do a little deep dive. You guys know me. So, let me tell you a little bit about who these people are. They are the Von Ehrenkrooks and it's a husband and wife team. Maude is the wife and Andrew is the husband. And so you'll see them in the credits written by Maude Von Ehrenkroek, directed by Andrew von Ehrenkroek.

He also was like the editor, et cetera, et cetera. Well, I wanted to know a little bit more about them. So I just did some Google searching. The first thing that comes up is a GoFundMe. And my initial instinct was like, oh, grifters. Like, what are they trying to get? Sure. It's not grifting and I feel really bad.

Oh no! Andrew died. No! Yeah. So, she did a GoFundMe because they have four kids and he died and it just says from an accident. So then, I'm a very curious person. So I had to find out what the accident was.

Yeah. And so I have a news article here. Name released a Florence man who drowned at Fisher Lake Park. And yeah, apparently he was 30 feet from a dock and his foot got tangled up in a rope that he was trying to get disconnected from like a buoy and a cinder block. And the cinder block pulled him underwater.

That sounds made up. I don't know. So this man committed suicide. Crazy final destination levels. I think this is a religious thing. Oh, it could be. It could be. Yeah.

Oh, and they were like, yeah, no, his ankle got caught. Either way, look, what's important podcast is how funny that is. Is how funny that is. And also that this movie is about punching your kids in The face. Yeah, so you have to you gotta stay You know when you do you play a game enough you want to play a harder difficulty Lydia was like, you know We've done game enough. What if we try to put the difficulty on hard mode? What if we open up with, yeah,

the people who made this film, this movie, they have that, all of them have childhood cancer. Who's ready for a roast of a grieving widow? Lydia Smith from the top row. This poor man who killed himself probably because of this movie, we're gonna win you back. We're gonna win you back.

Like that's how bad this is and how bad the message of the stupid fucking movie is. By the end of this movie review, you will be reporting that GoFundMe in the home block. Yeah, I mean, people donated almost $30,000 to that GoFundMe. That's pretty significant. Yeah, that's good. She's doing okay. I do also want to give Maude a little bit of color here too.

So I found this organization that she started called Sacred Ink. And she started this after her work in the Christian film industry and publishing books apparently. I don't know, I've never seen them. Okay. And she created this company that basically

helps to fund other Christian writers and filmmakers. Okay! And as part of her bio on this page, it says, The body of Christ is growing in many areas, but in Europe and America, it has been consistently and negatively marginalized and stigmatized. Logic and tradition hold little sway against progressive methodologies. Culture is their tool. Sacred Inc. enters their arena and plays by their rules,

but for our Lord's glory. Ooh. Yeah. So they like, they make the cover of romance novel, but you get 20 pages in and it's like, and that's what you drop to her knees to pray. And you know, you guys do have a point on suicide, like honestly, because the other thing I didn't mention

about Andrew is that he hosted a YouTube channel about survival skills and disaster preparedness. And I feel like someone who does that isn't going to get his foot tangled up. This was a Bear Grylls gone wrong situation? Yeah. No, I think she said as evidence this couldn't have been an accident. And I agree. I think this was absolutely not an accident.

All right. Well, and we have one big piece of evidence that Andrew took the easy ray out. And that, of course, is this movie. So, Thomas, tell us how bad was this movie? Well, I don't have a good... If you like the movie Elf, but you... Okay, let me think. But you... How does Eli do this?

If you like the movie Elf, but you don't like how raw and human and emotional the Wright family is, then you will love this movie. Like if your average ventriloquist dummy has too much life for you, has too much raw pathos, then you will love this movie. You will love this movie. That is true. I worried that this movie was a breakup letter to me personally from you. There's a chance that we're going to log on here today, and you were going to be like, oh shit, I didn't even have anything prepared.

They didn't get the hint. because I didn't think you would do that. You guys didn't make it through. It is I don't know here's the thing the Wright family which is my new favorite family I miss them how are they doing by the way have they said anything about us or I miss them in their donkey farm like they've blocked several of our listeners on Facebook. Oh really? Yeah. I hope they blocked me or something. But that at least I can, it's too easy as I say every time we do those.

It's too easy to make movies that look like movies. Like it should be harder. There should be an entry like test or something. This one has a bunch of people who worked on it. This like, it has all the things of a movie. Like it has like effects. It has, you know, cast, it has key grip. It has what it's not just the weird Wright family making their home video

that somehow makes more money than we ever will in our lives. Because of the pressure grip. This look, it's like there's a huge operation here, but not a single person has a human quality to it. It's truly haunting. It's like there's a huge operation here, but not a single person has a human quality to it. It's truly haunting. It's haunting. Yeah. There are several moments of the movie. Again, it's from 2010, so I know it was pre-AI, but there are several moments from the movie where I was like, okay, so like the first ever version of ChatGBD would have made a pass at that line and done better.

And is there anything you guys want to nominate this one from being the best to being the worst at? I think I got to say juvenile delinquents. Like these are supposed to be bad kids. And guys, there's just like these moments of what terrors these children are. It's quite hilarious. The whole premise of the movie is like the kids gone bad

Yeah, I'm gonna go on rogue and we got a couple of shots of like two kids two kids fighting over a toy You can't go over a teddy bear and they're just or whatever a doll and they're just moving it back and forth back infinitely like Like forever and one kid softly banging the head of a teddy bear on a slide. Tapping! Tapping is the word, really. Yeah, that's true. It might as well be like, it would be something like in an NES game. Because like, they can only manage like, one kind of bit of movement.

They didn't have the pixels for the child. They should just be moving the doll back and forth between them. Like, it's so fucking good. Man. Ugh. I'd have to say I just, I'm sorry, I'm taking the easy one. Best, worst, CGI credit sequence, newspaper, whatever, what do I call that? Best, worst thing that we all saw that I want people, look, you can go and you can find

this fine film on Amazon Prime right now. You sure can. I want you to watch the first at least three, four, five minutes of... Wow, I'm scrolling through it right now. It's three minutes. It's so long. I don't know what to call it. Like, it's what would you call...

You're an expert, Eli. What was that? In my notes, I believe I call it PS1 level introduction graphics. But the work that was put into it, that's what blows my fucking mind. Normally it's like, oh, that's really bad. I see how they did that in MS Paint and threw it on there. This was like 2010. It was not that easy for your average person to make all of these effects, you know? But they're also terrible. But really hard work was put into it. make all of these effects, you know, but they're also terrible. Yeah.

But really hard work was put into it. So everyone watched that. It is an intro sequence, I guess, and it's the best worst intro sequence I've ever seen. Yeah. The evil within this movie ain't. And I'm gonna go with best worst unspoken rant. So as I teased when you were worried

that we were just about to make fun of a grieving widow's last project with her dead husband. The very central crux of this movie is that if parents are not allowed to hit their children, society will fall apart. Literally, society will fall apart. But for some reason, the movie never explicitly says... It goes pretty close. It gets pretty close. We'll talk about it. It's like...

Have you ever seen a bigot realize there's a person of that race in the room? Did Grant? That's how this movie behaves towards child abuse. Well, we've got child abuse and child abuse apologetics, as well as two elves that people really want to fuck on the other side of the break. So we'll be back in a bit with some summertime Christmas. So we got the ice cream with cash. And when we pay cash, it doesn't count. Doesn't count. Exactly. Lydia, you're getting it. Hey guys, what you doing? Oh, hey Thomas. I was just teaching Lydia

e-linomics. What's e-linomics? That sounds really bad. It's not bad. It's great. Like, Lydia, if we don't have money for something, but we do have a 0% APR credit card deal, what do we have? The money for something. Exactly.

E-linomics. Yeah. Guys, guys, if you want a better handle on your finances, you should try Rocket Money. What's Rocket Money? Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and lowers your bills so you can grow your savings. That sounds great! It is! With Rocket Money, you can see all of your subscriptions in one place and know exactly

where your money is going. For ones you don't want anymore, Rocket Money can help you cancel them. Wow, that sounds way better than… what was that, Eli? Telling people you died. Telling people you died. It definitely is. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of 500 million in cancelled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when they use all of the app's premium features. Alright, Thomas, I'm sold. Where do I sign up?

Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to rocketmoney.com slash awful movies today. That's rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. Rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. Okay, last question. Do sweet treats still count as a tax write-off because they're medical care? No, no sweet treats sweet tree

Yeah, fine. It's medical care nice. Yeah Hey guys, thanks so much for coming over no problem Nick. What'd you want to talk about? Yeah, you said it was urgent It is guys. I'm writing a movie. Oh, wow. About what? Okay, so in the movie, this bill is passed that takes away parents' rights, right? Oh, wow. Rights to what? And so all the kids in the world, they become like super naughty. And they're going to stay naughty if the parents don't get their rights back. That's terrible. Sorry, rights to what though? So Santa sends two elves to fix everything, but these kids are just so

bad that even the elf magic doesn't work on them. Sorry Nick, this sounds like a good movie, but what rights are parents losing? Yeah, what are the parents not allowed to do? Oh, um... Hit their kids. All the kids are bad because the parents can't beat them up. Is what your movie is about. Yes.

Hey, this doesn't have anything to do with you losing custody, does it? It is unrelated. I feel like it's related. Yeah. Hey podcast listener. I'm Just jumping in real quick. I was having so much fun with Thomas and Lydia. I forgot to tell you about our live show in Cleveland, Ohio on July 19th. That's right. We're coming to Cleveland. Rock City, as I have been told by several people. It is not called Rock City, but I'm calling it Rock City. And can get those tickets at god-awful movies live calm

But I have a favor to ask you podcast listener if you live in Ohio or you live near, Ohio I want you to show up to this show why it's a personal reason. I'm gonna share with you right now My family lives in Cleveland. They're all coming to the show I have been trying to convince these people that I am a podcaster and not a drug dealer For years and if there are 11 people at this live show They're not gonna they're gonna keep Venmo-ing me for Christmas because they think I made up a fake podcast By which I make my livings. I need you to show up sell out the whole show whole Cleveland Hotel or Hotel Cleveland They're not sure what it's called, neither am I,

but it's gonna be in Cleveland July 19th. We're gonna show my family that you people exist. All right, let's get back to the show. Godawfulmovieslive.com. And we're back, and we're gonna start with a logo for Bridgestone Multimedia Group, and then a logo I've never seen before, which, let me tell you, podcast listener,

is a damn good sign here on God Awful Movies. Oh boy. Yeah. We get a series of newspapers. Dated all incorrectly, by the way. It's like Thursday, September, 16, 2000. It was overwhelming. I thought it was a typo one time, but it was every single newspaper that they put up.

Yeah. And the effort, the effort put into this. Yeah. Yeah. This is what we were talking about before the break. These are the establishing credits. And again, like it's really important to emphasize most of the movie. I would say there's what?

Like six minutes of the movie that are about these parental rights laws that are established in the first right? Oh, yeah, it's just barely any of it. Yeah, two teenagers walking around eating ice cream, right? There's just fucking nothing to this movie So it's really important that the these establishing credits I think are as long and as convoluted as they are because they shot the movie and realized they had left out What they obviously thought was the plot of the movie. I'll grab one of the little things for you. Nanny State steps in.

Parents ground Washington teen for drugs slash sex. Courts say, no way. Hold on, there's more. Today in a surprising reversal from precedents upheld by previous courts, the Washington State Supreme Court. And that's all we get. Okay. We also get an E-Tech magazine towards the end, which has a piece on homeschool resistance is what they title it.

And it says, Enforced Nazi-era law results in fines, prison, psych tests, abductions. And just side note, Maude, who we're going to be talking about a bit, the writer of this, she homeschooled her four kids obviously. So yeah. Yeah. I had a feeling that's what they were telling us. But yet what they are setting up here is that there have been these draconian laws passed,

which don't let parents do something. This is the closest we get to telling you, but the draconian laws that don't let kids get punished anymore. And as a result, the country, as we learned from one of these headlines, is in economic meltdown to exclamation points. Now here's here. Now we get a follow up newspaper and it's like, oh, you know, the economy is tanking, I guess, because of Obama or something.

I don't know. Yeah. economy is tanking I guess because of Obama or something I don't know yeah and then but then I'm just noticing in Like in a in a column here. It says how they won grassroots support key to victory for Washington couple So that's a follow-up, but they look so they won This thing like it's pretty small to read, but it's like They apparently I guess maybe they won an appeal or something because like earlier The Washington couple from the earlier newspaper that cut it off That's oh the we either I

Don't know what else it would be Yeah, but it won't be relevant or established the stakes of the movies So it's very confusing why it's well we will we will get Thursday, September, 16, 2000. Yep, yep. Yes, we will. Yes, we will. All right, so now we're going to cut to a young teenager eating at a table in a train station.

Yeah. Okay. Train's doing a lot of work there. Yeah. Young man, young lady are eating in a train station when they both get a special message on their balls. So let's talk about these balls. Yeah.

The two. Well, God. Okay. Let's talk about the elves. All right. So these two teenagers will be the main characters of the movie. And let me save you the work podcast listener of what I had to do for about an hour of this film.

They are Santa's elves on summer vacation. And the message they are receiving now is on their special communication. Elf ball. Ball. Green ball. Elf ball. Yes. They have green communicator hologram balls.

And this is where Santa is letting them know that because of the establishing newspapers we just saw in the graphics earlier, all the children in the world are turning naughty. And so the elves have to report back to the North Pole? Is that what he's saying? Yeah. And like just return back or just give coordinates? Yeah, I'm not sure. Yeah, it's confusing because it sounds like he's saying you're gonna have to come back to the North Pole here,

but they never go back to the North Pole and he never follows through with that message. Yeah, also he threatens that he's gonna quit and so then why do the elves have to come back if you're gonna quit? Like then they don't have jobs anymore. They should just stay wherever they want. Right.

Yeah, so first off, it wasn't helpful to read the description on the Wikipedia IMDB for this. No, it was not. It was not. While vacationing separately in small town USA, Elwood and Nora, two of Santa's elves, receive an urgent transmission initiating a series of events. That's all they got. That's the best. Somebody was like, what do you say about this piece of shit?

Yeah. The time dimension moves forward in this movie. Pretty much. And Santa calls, I guess, as you're saying, and he makes the one face that Tucker Carlson makes. And there's also a full five seconds in between sentences. Like you gotta just hear what this is. Let's see if we can get to it here.

Pickle swing. I have some terrible news. Two, three, four. The naughty and nice lists are showing a significant statistical swing. Two, three, four. I have checked the lists many times and the naughty children are far outweighing the nice.

Two, three, four. In fact, only 32% of the children worldwide are on the nice list, and that number is falling. One, two, three, four. Every else must be falling. What is that? What is happening? So let me explain what happened,

because this is every line in the movie. We should point out, it's not just Santa, it is every line spoken by everybody. I do point out, it's not just Santa, it is every line spoken by everybody. I do not think an actor in this entire film learned their lines. I think the entire film was done by Andrew, who was tying a cinderbrite around his ankle, and he would yell from off screen,

the children are all being naughty. And they'd go, the children are all being naughty. And then they would cut the camera and then start the camera again. And they'd go, the children are all being naughty. And then they would cut the camera and then start the camera again. And they'd go, we have to stop the children. We have to stop the children. Everything is done like an Al-Qaeda hostage video with less joy and consent.

There's also so much effort that this, you know, kid elf, this boy is taking to hide this ball in his ridiculous piece of luggage. It's very ridiculous. For 2010, like, come on, this is stupid. It's, I don't even know. It's... I just... I'm so distracted by it in every single scene he has it. But so he's hiding this ball within his luggage, but Santa is so freaking loud from this.

And you can tell because they'll do shots of this whole, like, train station thing, and Santa is echoing throughout the station. Right, yeah. It's booming. And so like what are you trying to hide here? Maybe you guys need to have a device that can like use headphones instead. Yeah, blue shoes. Santa should figure out texting. Yeah, that would be important.

But what's important here is that Elwood notices that Nora gets the message as well. So he chases her down to her trolley car. The trolley that goes between mall shops. Yes, exactly. Railroad crossing at the next stop, by the way. Very clearly a trolley. But this is incredibly alarming because that isn't really, I mean, you figured you puzzled that out, but really we see a girl who I guess is trying to act sad run away.

And then we see this creepy ass kid. This kid haunts my dreams. This fucking elf. None of them have a human expression the entire time other than I don't know what. Like weird, creepy, as I said, ventriloquist dummy energy. And then he just pops into her trolley car, and is like, hi! And he says, I saw you crying, smiling.

It's the weirdest delivery of the words, I saw you crying, ever captured on film. Fucking smiling, and her crying, by the way, was puking. That was how she tried to show sad. She was like, ugh, ugh, was puking. That was how she tried to show sad. She's like, Yeah. Are you okay about it? But he is giving away that they both know about Santa. So they sneak into the staff only section of Bodega to talk about the fact that they

both work at Santa's workshop, but they've never met before. And I wrote in my notes, is it racist that I thought all the elves at Santa's workshop would know each other Yeah, and I love this is such a tender Christian movie moment because what they do is they go Sneak off into the walk-in freezer. Mm-hmm. And I'm like, well, this is kind of funny cuz that's like they're pretending They're gonna go fuck in the walk-in freezer But then what they're actually doing is talking to Santa, but then because the Christian movie... So talking about Santa, they're not even talking to Santa.

They're talking about Santa, yeah. And then the lady finds them, is like, hey, what are you... She comes in expecting to find them, doing it. And then she's like, oh, I know what it was. You tried to go to the bathroom and got lost. And when it... You must be cold. We were shitting in this freezer.

Just, I gotta tell you, we were giving you a one star review on how terrible a bathroom this was. So now, again, I have to explain this is going to be so much of the movie. So get ready to hear the words. So now the two elves are walking around town talking a lot, but that's what's happening. The elves are walking around talking when they come upon a child peer pressuring another child to throw eggs and an old man's house. And I am pleased to report podcast listener that all of us wrote in this economy in our notes when the children were trying

to throw eggs. Now I think we have to play this for the listeners. Oh yeah, please, please, please. 953. We gotta. For those following along at home 953 Oh and that fucking pseudo Christmas music goes You're on hold with this movie. Do do do, do do do, do do do, do do do, do do do, do do do. Like, just that fucking, it might as well be like a key or a mode of music, which is just Christmas, which could go on forever.

Like, it never fucking resolves or ends into anything. God, I hate it so much. Just throw it, Jessica. How will Mr. Gibson clean this up? He's old. Who cares? This is terrible. This isn't a joke.

So? How do you like it if somebody did this to your house? My parents would clean up and then you'd find the watch then. They're so young. And in broad daylight. What's happening? I'm not going to do it. Don't be such a goody two-shoes.

You're no fun. At least I'm not going to do it. Don't be such a goody two-shoes. You're no fun. At least I'm not mean Yeah, the eggs are also in a bucket labeled crayons Labeled yeah, I think they're you know trying to distract Just got my bucket of crayons here another to see yeah Just got my bucket of crants here, nothing to see. Yeah. Also, none of those lines, because I was watching it and as I was listening to it just now, none of those lines are delivered like the words that are being said. Yeah.

Right. A single line in this movie is done that way. Except this little girl is the best actor in the entire film. Jessica. Yes, this is Jessica. She's our heroine? Can I chime in with some, a little note about Jessica? Please don't tell me she killed film. Jessica, yes. This is Jessica. She's our heroine. Can I chime in with some, a little note about Jessica? Please don't tell me she killed herself.

No, she didn't. As far as I know. So, no, I was looking at the IMDB ratings. She died of childhood leukemia right after she donated a kidney to me. I know we want to go in hard mode, but this is... No, no, I think you guys will appreciate this. So, I was looking at the IMDB ratings

and there are a handful of 10 out of 10s. And one of them is Savannah Howard, who is the actress who plays Jessica. And this person wrote, I didn't necessarily have high hopes for this movie, but I thought Savannah Howard was reminiscent of a young Scarlett Johansson. She appeared to me to be the son that all the other actors orbited around. She truly shined. Rumor has it she screen tested for the Scarlet Witch role,

which as we know eventually went to Elizabeth Olsen. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Benedict Cumberbatch, Chris Evans and Gwyneth Paltrow are among her followers. They lobbied for her to secure a place for her in the MC universe, but so far that effort has yet to bear fruit. I have a feeling about her though. I see big things that are. Who is this? Just a random reviewer. It's from March, 2023. What if it's her and she's lost her mind? Yeah.

It has to be her. Maybe. There's no way that's not her. This is the only thing she's ever done. Or her mom. This is the only thing she's ever done in 2010. Oh, you're gonna tell me she's got, oh my God. No, she's never done anything else.

What is that? And this is from two years ago, this review. That's the weirdest thing. She would have been a child, a Scarlet Witch, because the first time we see Wanda, according to IMDB, is in 2014 for Winter Soldier. So this would have been four years after the review. That doesn't work.

None of it makes sense. None of it makes sense. That's the weirdest thing I've ever heard of. Now I'm just picturing this child sitting next to Elizabeth Olsen in a waiting room. Have you heard of summertime Christmas? A little film I did. Our director killed himself. He was a big Sylvia Plath fan. Oh boy. Okay, so yeah, so we have that moment where they're not going to do the bad thing. We have some foreshadowing into this guy's eventual suicide because they do a swimming bit where they're going to swim.

They do do a swimming bit. Yeah, we're going to talk about it. Oh, never mind. I think I skipped too much. Sorry. We're nowhere close. Nope. We're not anywhere close. I'm trying to just go through it.

Thomas's brain is trying to fast forward us. And then the movie's over. Isn't that the best part? And then the movie's over and I got to stop talking about it and thinking about it. I'm hanging up right now. We could be playing with our kids, hon. We could be raising our kids and yet we're here. We're watching this piece of shit. Indeed you are.

Indeed you are. Indeed you are. Yeah. So they head to the Airbnb where they're both staying and look, I'm not going to dwell on this for super long, but it appears that he just tells her he stays in an Airbnb and she shows up there and is also staying there like on his recommendation. I don't know. She already checked in though. Yeah.

This is amazing. This whole movie, it has the, here's another thing that we could say about it. It has the cadence of, remember the, whose line is it anyway? Remember the sketch where they have to ask each other questions? Oh yeah, yes. Yes.

It has the cadence of that. I'm not saying every line is a question, but it's as though after each line, someone's like, okay okay did I ask you yeah do that my real life well I got like every kid so like I don't know what the fuck is happening here you just have to listen and fuck this is Elwood Elvin okay so she's introducing him in the bit Airbnb I've stayed here a few times before it used to be called the lazy day. I just bought it and changed the name.

Who would stay with a name like that? Oh, but you did, didn't you? Nora's my first guest. Are you gonna join her? I usually don't make a reservation. The previous owner just expects me. I hope it doesn't cause you any more work. You're already here.

You are lucky. You can be my little guinea pig, just like Nora. I hope you don't mind. Oh, don't worry. We know how to relax around here. What? Honey, Nora Elvin's husband has joined us. Husband?

First of all, they're 12. I'm just going to show him their room. My husband's not so sure about running a bed and breakfast. Oh, also, the husband is not in the film. Not in the movie, yes. There are multiple lines, and there's a lot of people in this movie. It's not like they're out of people. I don't know why they chose to do this.

Mind-boggling. Is the husband, are we going to find out the husband's like, what is that, is that psycho? Where like the... Yeah, it's her in a wig. She's doing a reverse Norman Bay. She talks to the husband's corpse, but then she pretends to be the... Yeah, it's her in a wig. She's doing a reverse Norman Bay. She talks to the husband's corpse, but then she pretends to be the husband sometimes, maybe. That's what it reads like. She's like, oh, they're off in the room and they're gonna...

Nobody ever responds. I wrote in my notes. This happens multiple times. At this point, the husband isn't sure about running a bed and breakfast. That's why he didn't agree to be in the movie. We gotta hear this though, because this blows my mind. Strangers, especially in his home. Oh great.

I'm not her husband. Why do you have the same last name then? We're related. We're from the same town. She's my sister. Why is there a clock going? Is that? Uh huh. I understand.

Separate rooms then. Okay, what does she understand? So what I believe based on that scene is that the owner of this Airbnb believes them to be a married couple in trouble whose marriage therapist has recommended that they go stay at an Airbnb in separate rooms to fix their marriage? And do a little role playing. And do a little, you're a stranger role playing. Like, hey, you know, you meet each other at the bar.

Okay, you get into this. That's way sexier than any Christian movie would be. It's actually something way dumber than that that we can't even think of. We can't even fathom what it would be. But this scene does establish something important that we should talk about, that honestly, 2015, Eli, the comedian, was a lot better prepared to talk about. These actors are 14 and 15 years old, it seems like to me, and everybody in this movie will spend the rest of the movie trying to make them fuck.

Not set them up, not get them married, not light a romantic spark. They'll be like, put your penis in her vagina to these children through the rest of the movie. This movie resolves 15 minutes before it ends so that more adults can tell these children the fun. Okay, so that is done. There, humans sure are wacky. It's not, by the way, I could have played it for five more minutes.

I wouldn't have. You could have. You could have. No, he didn't let me. I tried, but he said no. So now it's time for some swimming pool shenanigans. So we cut over to a swimming pool. She has never swum before, so he is going to show her how to swim. He stands in the pool and, as was said earlier, this is foreshadowing for Andrew's untimely

death, he begins to drown immediately. Like instantly. The shallow and up to, the water is barely covering his dick. No, it's actually not. I'm looking at his dick right now. It's wide out in the open. He's in a shirt, a white t-shirt for some reason. That's always, I guess, Christian stuff.

Like, do you need to, anyway. No idea. Okay, I know we've played. Turns around. I know we've played plenty, but please can we put on 1740? Yeah. The more we play, the less we have played turns around. I know we played plenty but please can we put on 1740? Yeah, so we can play the less we have to do so we can listen to the reaction to this emergency. Okay, here we go He's just standing there Alright.

So what I want to like just highlight here is there's a lifeguard who jumps in eventually and like not immediately. Well probably because she's like I don't even normally go to the end of the pool that's two feet tall. Takes her time. Yes. Then there's a girl sitting on the edge of the pool next to the lifeguard station who's like laughing and turning her head away because she doesn't want to get splashed it seems. The only proper reaction.

Yeah. And then you have Jessica, who we met earlier, is saving his... The one who didn't want to throw the eggs. Yes. She's saving his life is what they're gonna say over and over and over again. But if you look at how she's like reacting to him in the pool, she's just kind of like... When I let Phoebe save my life, you know? Like when I'm like, oh, and I have to do all the everything. She's not even touching him for most of it.

Yeah. He is standing in the pool and she is not. If anything, he is saving Clarissa's scene but but he has to pretend to be drowning so she's standing now and he's flopping around like yeah Not standing for no reason. Yeah. Yeah, this is the comedy that we get in this movie Yes, one might argue it is the peak comedy of the movie, but now easily now it's time to get serious We're gonna cut over to who we will learn is Jessica's parents, and they are fighting about bills because this is a Christian movie and that is one of the two things parents are allowed to do in a Christian movie.

And so I get to just play the whole movie, right? No, no, no. No, we can't. I'm not allowed. Okay, fine. We have to talk about it. At a certain point, we get a copyright strike. This is such a specific moment in time, and probably in, like, Christian cinema too, because one of the things that they argue about, like, grocery bill is okay, but then there's an argument about her going over their cell phone limits because she talks too much.

That's so good. She uses too many minutes because she talks too much. And then her argument is, well, it's our cell phone, so it could have easily been you. Yeah. It's like, what? Could it just have easily? Isn't it whoever talked on it? Like, doesn't... Also, yeah, they share a cell phone in 2010.

Yeah. A single cell phone. Yeah. And so, my note, though, was like, okay, so that's her parents. They're fighting. They're awful. It sounds... Jessica's parents, by the way. Yeah. Sorry, Jessica's parents. They're fighting. They're awful. It sounds... Jessica's parents, by the way. Sorry, Jessica's parents. The key to being the only good kid in town then is having the worst bullshit parents possible that yell at each other then. It sounds like, right?

She's the only good kid in town. Apparently. That's what I'm to gather. Well, okay. So this movie will occasionally have these parents talk about Jesus, which is what I think we're supposed to think is the reason that Jessica is good. But not yet. So right now we're just like...

And not for a while, right? Jessica, being poor might be the reason that Jessica is good as far as this movie is concerned. So now we're cutting over to the elves again. They're just fucking Chad. I mean, truly it never matters. Oh, okay. They do have a funny moment where he can't fly a kite or she can't fly a kite. Yeah, and they're scoring for the scene that is related to Nora trying to fly this kite

and can't fly this kite as the little girl is saying, we have no money to the elf. And so, can... Sorry, 2144. I have to, you guys. I have 2144. Let's hear it. What would give you some kind of silly notion like that?

It's just no adult has ever asked me that before. It's a Santa question. Lots of people besides Santa ask that question. What? What? What? You're weird. What's your name?

Elwood. I'm Jessica. That's it. He just looks off. You're weird. What's your name? Elwood. I'm Jessica. That's it. He just looks off. And then? Hardly anyone's parents are working now since the factory closed. Out of nowhere.

He didn't ask you. Do you want to know what the movie's about? Because hardly anyone's parents were working. So we're to believe that all of these people worked in a factory. A single factory. In the factory. The factory. Yeah.

The mom and dad that were dressed as like just fucking office job workers, they both worked in the factory together. The factory. Yep, that is where they worked. And they don't have money now because of that. And so everyone was laid off, and so now all the parents are freaking out about money and stressed and fighting.

And so the elves' response to that is, just do Christmas. Yes. So again, I have to be clear. So a couple of things. One, all the clips you're listening to, it's not like the Smiths sat down in fucking Ableton or Reaper or whatever insane program Thomas used and cut together those lines That's the audio of the movie

I know it sounds like we did some kind of techno remix of the lines of the films, but people are just shouting Random word no line is ever connected to any other line in the film. Nope Yeah, so again as was just said because I do need to clarify this is the case. She explains that her parents are fighting. They're having trouble paying their bills. And Elwood's suggestion is that they celebrate Christmas. Yep. That's going to solve it.

Yeah. And the little girl says like, how do we celebrate Christmas? We're low on money. Isn't celebrating a holiday too much money? And he just says, you can make something instead of buying it. And I wrote in my notes, out of what, Mr. Elf? Fucking Aquaman.

And this is again where she says, okay, she's going to try and do it. We get a quick message from Santa here at the end. Yeah. Santa Carlson, Tucker Carlson Santa calls, and he's gotten to the bottom of it. And we, yeah, we should, this is important reveal. We have pinpointed the cause. The day before the nice numbers began to drop, all of the world leaders signed an

agreement that significantly restricted the authority parents have over their own children. Okay. Okay. Yeah, yeah. That's what we're, so that implies, by the way, and like you said, it's the best unsaid rant. Like, West, where's that?

That implies that your average kid can't go a single day without a beating. Zero days. Without just instant naughtiness. Before they just. The day before, he says. That implies that your average kid can't go a single day without a beating. Zero days. Without just instant naughtiness. The day before, he says. Yeah. And it was the fact that they knew they would, it didn't even take the non-beatings.

It was just the knowledge that beatings weren't coming. That they're done. That did it. All right. Well, the words parental authority are downright foreboding. So we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be back in a minute with even more Summertime Christmas. Oh man, I hope my wife likes this car. Grrrrr.

No, Lydia liked way tougher. That was tough. Hey, Smiths, what are you doing? Oh hey, Eli. Me and Lydia are buying a new car soon and she's practicing intimidating the car salesman. Knuckle sandwich? For the last time, you can't offer a knuckle sandwich. Knuckle sandwich!

Guys, guys, if you want to buy a car without the hassle, you should use CarGurus. What's CarGurus? Really, Lydia? Two points in a row. I bore your children. Yeah, that's fair. CarGurus helps you cut through the noise, showing you the best deals and in-depth vehicle details. So you can feel confident about your purchase. Because when it comes to your big deal, you deserve the best deal.

Wow, that sounds great. It is. With over four million listings, CarGurus has more car listings than any other major online automotive marketplace in the US. So you can find the best deal. It's no wonder SimilarWeb estimated traffic data shows CarGurus is the number one most visited car shopping site. All right, Eli, we're sold. Where do we sign up? Buy or sell your next car today with CarGurus at CarGurus.com. Go to CarGurus.com to make sure your big deal is the best deal. That's C-A-R-G-U-R-U-S dot com. CarGurus.com. All right, Eli. Thanks. Guess I won't need my licking knife after all.

That is a cake server. It has a sharp edge. Got it. All right. Breakfast is at seven and right here is your room. Oh, sorry, Miss B. We'll need separate rooms. Yes, please. room. Oh, sorry, Miss Beebe. We'll need separate rooms. Yes, please. Oh, I see. Married to other people, are you? I understand your secret is safe with me. No, I've never met this man before. Oh, a stranger is he. But you leave the door unlocked and in the middle of the night he comes.

No, no, not that. Just two people who do not know each other. And we would like separate rooms, please. Fine. You want me to take the St. Andrew's Cross out of your room? Yes, you can leave it. I mean, yes. And we're back. When we left off not hitting kids turned them instantly evil. So now it's time for us to check in on the little girl trying to cheer her parents up with some Christmas. I also just realized, does that mean this girl's getting the shit beat out of her then? It must, right? It implies that she is getting beaten. Or at least has the threat of being beaten.

Yeah, that's true. It could just be the ever-umnipressive threat of beatings. Yeah. This is such a di- this guy should kill himself again. Yeah, again. Again, say it. We're- I told you we'd win you over, podcast listener. I told you we'd win you over. But yeah, she has decorated the living room and oh gosh isn't that cute. I mean, to be fair, it is kind of cute. It is very- yeah, it's very cute.

This is very Phoebe. Like, Phoebe would have done this. It is very Pho, it's very cute. This is very Phoebe. Like Phoebe would have done this. It is very Phoebe, yeah. So now dad gets home and mom and the little girl have set up the Christmas tree. And she made her dad some picture frame? Now that I think about it, the only reason that I behave well is because Phoebe beats me constantly. That's true! Now that I think about it. That's true, yeah.

The only reason you did this podcast, I had to tip Phoebe to beat you into your sound studio and watch this movie. Too real. There's a line somewhere as the dad's coming home about you're looking like really gloomy and I was like, well, no one has jobs. Like, why wouldn't people be gloomy? Yeah. Or I don't know.

It just seemed so divorced from reality. Yeah. The factory closed. The factory seemed so divorced from reality. Yeah. The factory closed. The factory is no longer in operation. So folks are- You know, the job factory. So now folks are downright glum. Exactly.

Yeah. Meanwhile, the elves are walking around chatting some more and we're getting the elves is like, nice to meet you back chat, but it's fictional and boring I have a cousin who lives in Ireland. Oh, do they yeah, she guards gold. Oh, yeah, whatever gun Also for whatever reason this scene is filmed on like a home video camera Yeah, instead of like an actual like, you know film camera. Yeah, well, you see it's the second unit. Yeah, I was like, did they not get permission to actually shoot at this location or something

and they snuck in? I don't know, but it's noticeably very different from every other scene and it's bad. The sound sounds bad. Just, you know, my little critiques there on technique. We're also going to get the start of a sequence which is, again, mind you, this little girl, the one good girl in town, because apparently her parents have fascistic, iron-fisted control over her or something.

Yep. And she will proceed to just be everywhere these elves are. Everywhere. Unsupervised. They're at a carousel. She's just like, hey! And hops onto a moving carousel Yeah, and it's like alright. See you later, and then you'll see her come up. They go to like a fucking nuclear power plant

She's like in there Emerges from the elephant's foot no what Jessica serves what the good little Jessica serves is she transitions from their small talk. You podcast listeners have already heard how awkward and stilted the audio of this movie is. So usually what happens, and we haven't played it for you, but usually what happens to end a scene is they stop talking, there is a 11 second pause, and then Jessica fucking rides up on a unicycle and is like, it's time to go to the ice cream factory Oh my god, I don't know if it already happened or a fall

I'll keep an eye out for it But there was one note I had where I was like they just bailed out of that scene like literally The camera just cut out of it because they couldn't they were like mid word and they're like we can't do this anymore Couldn't figure it out. Yeah. Yeah, but Jessica's there to tell them that the cheering her parents up with Christmas worked And so now Two things are true one She's gonna try and convince all the other children to do summertime Christmas and two her parents want them to come to dinner and Honestly, I would have loved to over of all the conversations we see in this movie The one we did not see is the one she was she's like I met two strange adults. Yeah. Yeah, don't worry

I encouraged them to fuck yeah I saved one of their lives because he wouldn't stand up in a pool I told him you were poor they told me to do Christmas and mom and dad's response to that was bring them to our house for a meal yeah we would also like to encourage them to fuck each other yeah and she never tells them where she lives. They just have figured it out by the next scene. No one tells anyone anything. I don't even remember that she told the parents about them really.

Oh, not on camera. Yeah, not on camera. It's just like, they want to meet you. And I'm like, who wants to meet? Just fucking. She assures us that scene happened, but we have no evidence that it did. So she's going to go check on the bad kids bad kids and again the bad kids aren't being hit Oh, so they are sitting around a playground moping. Yeah. Yeah, so you which thing is another unsupervised child

Visit to a place that we don't even know where is she's just wandering. Yep wandering the town Yeah, just wandering the plot of the movie. She found all the delinquents. Yeah. Yeah. But her idea is that all the children should get together and put on a Christmas pageant. Eli, did you feel that one girl, her name is Sarah, that she was like such a theater kid or wanted to be such a bad kid?

Such a theater kid, yes! We all know who'd win. That sounds dumb. A hundred percent. Like just the entire time. The whole movie I was just watching Sarah. I was like, ooh, what's she going to serve now? Yeah.

Sarah's mom got down on her knee right before every take Sarah was in. No small parts, Sarah. Just small actors. And now Sarah's a podcaster. Keep going for it until they tell you to dial it back. And they never told her to dial it back And they never told her to dial it back. They never told her to dial it back. And they were so... Sarah came with her lines memorized.

They were like, wait, you don't need Andrew to yell your lines at you from the boat with that cinder block before you go, oooooh. She's gonna make... I know that Jessica's in the running for the Marvel witch or whatever the fuck it is that that psychotic person wrote on the IMDB before they took their own lives.

That really is, hon, that really is the best ultimate, like, community theater thing that they do is, like, give them too much until they tell you to dial it back. Yep. And as you say, no one ever says dial it back because it's so uncomfortable. She's like, all right. You'll get the overactor and they're like, well, I'll just keep going until the director tells me. But meanwhile, the director either doesn't know what the fuck they're doing or is so uncomfortable in this interaction that you just get a crazy person in the show.

I loved it. Good times. I like to think, because we have established here in our lore, in our canon, that Andrew took his own life. And I like to think that Andrew just, he was in that part of suicide where you're just like, yeah, no, sure. That was fine. No, no. Yeah. So they decide they're going to do this Christmas pageant or rather Jessica decides that they're going to do this Christmas pageant. The kids are so bored. They're like, fine,

whatever. And they'll do it anyway. And then someone's like, well, are we going to go perform it now? And Jessica says, we won't be ready for an audience for quite a while. And when she said that, I was like, Oh, was that a note during the filming of this movie? This is such a Phoebe though. This is so Phoebe. The only problem with this is it was actually really believable because this is our child Phoebe. She would put together the whole thing, she would have to be in charge. By the end she would have hit everyone involved probably. It's all coming together. All right so now the elves show up for dinner and the house is decorated for Christmas. They do this stupid cross hands handshake thing.

Okay, oh wait. Do you want to play it? Because it starts with just, I wrote everything is cringe in this because it starts with the dad going to try and close the door, but Elwood already closed it. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. 3622. There's only one take. Lydia, before I allow you to play this audio for our audience, I have to ask you one question.

Yes. Is this an awkwardness you can hear or are we just going to hear, bum bum bum? Only one way to find out baby! All right, let's do it. And the dad is always waiting at the door when they come. 100% of the time. Hi, come in. That's full. Mm-hmm. And the dad is always waiting at the door when they come and every single- Alright, come in. Alright, come in.

Alright, come in. She walks back and gets into her place. The little girl. Yeah. You can see- This is my dad, Nick. My mom, Amy. And this is Elwood and Nora.

It's a pleasure to meet you. This is where they do the crosshands handshake. It's fucking weird. Ha ha ha, yeah. This is- This is for you. Oh, thank you. This is what we had to watch. We had to watch two hours of this, everyone. I guess I'll open it right now.

Okay, this is never explained and it's so important to me. Yes. Oh, wow. Is it a... It's a glass eggplant. Wow. Oh, wow. Is it a... It's a glass eggplant. Wow. Okay. Okay. There are so many questions. One, does this imply that Elwood is always walking

around with a glass eggplant, just in case? Two, did nobody associated with this movie understand the dildo implications Yeah, I'm trying to think in 2010 was the eggplant emoji a thing yet. Yeah Was it I don't maybe that's a lot of movies in 2010 the egg. Yeah, we got someone someone answered It works so well as an image because their direction as elves is to be smiling like idiots the whole time. And also that just might be them as actors, I don't know. And so what we have is this dude smiling like an idiot handing this very milfy lady a glass eggplant. And I just I love the idea that like this guy's actually secretly involved.

Like this actor is like the creepiest fucking creep. You know, he's like... He's just in on it, this child. Yeah, he's just like playing jokes on these Christians. That would be the best. Honestly, when she opens it up and said a glass eggplant, his next line could have been, well, aren't you gonna put it inside you?

Like that's the vibe that this line has. Now, I know what you're thinking, podcast listener. You're thinking, wow, I miss Noah and Heath, and me too. But what you're also thinking is, Eli, this is crazy. But is it a Christian movie? Well, it's here at dinner that we're gonna get a heaping helping of some Christianity. Not only that, we're gonna get the Lord. This is an ambitious film. This is an ambitious project because they're trying to finally reconcile the Santa-ness of it all and the Jesus-ness of it all. And the Christ-ness of it all.

And it's so fucking funny to me because the stars of this movie are the elves. Like they're the ones who are the main characters. And yet they don't know about Jesus. They don't know about God! They know nothing about Jesus and this Jesus-y family that we're establishing is the one good family. Like they have the one good little girl. They refuse, they don't allow the daughter to know anything about Santa. Yeah.

Yes! Eagle-eyed viewers, we'll see if anyone listening actually wants to watch this movie. The dad is wearing a shirt that says, believer on it by the way, in like dark MAGA font. So like it's very gothic and stuff but notably like they don't talk about Jesus until this very moment until this scene so they bow their heads to do grace the elves are like what are you doing and they're like we're giving thanks to God and the elves say who yeah the stars of your Christian movie there are so many questions implied by this.

Okay, so that means that there are magical elves working for Santa to deliver presents on Christmas. This has been their existence. They are hundreds of years old and it has never come up that they are doing this to celebrate the birth of Christ. They never like, hey, what's this holiday that is our whole lives? They think that they are immortal creatures of the North Pole delivering presents around the world for secular reasons. They just, once a year. No, what are they suggested doing Christmas twice a year?

They want more work. Doesn't that make it feel that like, okay, now God's obviously not real then? Because that should have been part of their- Yeah, that's what I'm trying to say. They're the magical main characters of our movie, which is a religious movie. Now, God's obviously not real then because that should have been part of their... They know Santa! They're the magical main characters of our movie, which is a religious movie. And they're like, who's G's what?

Yeah. And they've been around a hell of a lot longer than these freaking humans, right? They're like 400 years. Hundreds of years, yes. And they work for Santa. They work for Saint Nicholas. If anyone knows that Christ was King, it would be Saint Nicholas. That's so weird.

The questions that were swirling in my mind at this point. Yes, the lore of this world is that Christ and God do not exist. That's just a common myth and the elves haven't heard it. No, no. The age old, hundreds of years old elves who work exclusively on this Christian holiday do not know about it.

Do not know about Christmas. Yeah. Also the boy elf wearing like the most Christian high schooler outfit ever, board shorts and an American Eagle polo like is such... Uh... 100%. Yeah. He's got a fucking promise ring.

Remember that kid that won a billion dollars from CNN because the guy got in his face in the protest. Yes! Sandman or something. It's that kid. It's basically that kid. Hey, I bet everything he's said and done since then has been super chill, right? He's been really cool. He's really gone on to prove that he was a good kid with a good heart. Yeah, bro.

All right. Anyways, they're gonna take her out for ice cream tomorrow, and you know what happens when we say something, we have to talk about it in the next scene. So the next morning, Elwood heads to the car rental place to rent a car. I believe this scene is comic in intention, but I could not begin to tell you what the joke is. Oh my God. It's so bad. I don't know if I can be here for this scene. Like it is so uncomfortable.

I'm embarrassed that this scene happened. Like I'm embarrassed on behalf of these people. And that's saying something. His role, by the way, you guys, is titled rental expert. Ooh. Rental expert. And it says Joe's Auto Sales is the thing. Yeah.

None of it makes any sense. Also, I would like to take a minute for whoever did the set dressing for this because there are pennant banners, the pennant flags for kids birthday parties. That's what is hung up in this car rental place. And it says NASCAR all over it. Like a kid's birthday party. Yeah. Sometimes you rent a NASCAR when you're going to rent a car.

So again, I think what they're going for here is that this is like a fast talking rental salesman, but nobody in this movie is fast talking. Right? So it's just sort of like, would you like a large car? Girls like large cars. I'm not interested in girls. Okay. My next line is still about girls. However, I would have skipped over the scene. I would have cut it You would have never heard about it at all podcast Except for one moment, which I believe is the salesman being 100% okay with sex trafficking Here's what happens he goes so you're taking your lady somewhere special and Elwood's like we're going for ice cream and he's like Oh, if you get her a bigger car car She'll want a bigger diamond and he says We're taking a little girl with us

smile Disappears from the salesman's face. He goes. Oh, it's like that. Is it? Right here, yes Show him a car with a secret panel where you can hide the Epstein Island children Yeah, yeah, this one's soundproof trunk here So weird is that why he asks if he has any luggage Yeah, he says that asking about luggage is a standard question you ask when you're renting a car to somebody Are you gonna bring any cheese pizza with you?

What was the furniture one they did? Oh, Wayfair. Yeah. We ordered some stuff off Wayfair. Oh no, I gotcha, I gotcha. So now we cut to Elwood swerving down the road or as I call it, driving. Not even you drive like this. No, no. This is so stupid. Look, they don't know how to drive because, quote, it doesn't have the little thing in

the middle of the road, like the fucking monorail or whatever. I don't know what the hell he's talking about. Yeah. And so he just swerves back and forth. By the way, not him, as Lydia points out, the stunt driver. Yeah. It's a 45-year-old adult man. Russian man.

And they just swerve around like, you know, I haven't watched any racing forever, but I do remember in NASCAR, I think they try to warm up their tires or something by swerving the beginning of the race back and forth. It's like that. And he's like, oh, it's so hard to drive, but you don't swerve around back and forth endlessly when you can't drive.

That's harder than not doing that. You don't serpentine naturally when driving a car. It's also very mild because it's fucking dad's Honda Civic, right? So they were like, okay, how do we show he's a bad driver? And he was like, well, don't fuck up my goddamn tires. And they were like, okay, we'll just, we'll swerve mildly back and forth and do a five point turn instead of a three point turn. He's like, yeah.

Yeah, I love that because the comedy is he doesn't know how to drive, but then he executes a perfect nine point turn. That's like harder than just. Yeah. So then they, they go on an ice cream factory tour. Now we're watching an episode of Blippi. To dear old dads. Yeah.

What happened is that they just got the money from this ice cream factory to include their entire ice cream factory tour in the movie, right? Oh yeah, definitely. And I just have to point out that these parents, who are the only good parents, just they witnessed how insane these fucking children who are posing as adults are. And then they're like, you want to take our little girl for a spin in your car that you don't know how to Drive over to the ice cream factory in the middle of the day forever Take our kid for ice cream strangers We just met it's like they don't have jobs and their plan is to get the insurance money when their daughter's murdered That's what it reads like yeah take oh, what's that the brakes don't work. That's all right

The rental expert asks Elwood about any luggage, but he never asks him for his license. And it's just insane to me. Sure doesn't. He has to ask about his luggage, but not if he can drive. So they go on their ice cream tour. I want to talk about this,

because this scene is really important to me, because it's a real psychic fugue state moment. They're eating ice cream, and then we get a Jessica eye view of the movie. Yeah, I love it. And a lens falls over Jessica's eye that reveals Elwood and Nora dressed as Dutch people. He's literally in Lederhosen. I don't know why. It's like my note was through the power of ice cream,

she can see their true forms, which is them, but wearing slightly different clothes. Octoberfest. Yes! Them dressed as... That's exactly what I thought, is that through the power of ice cream, you are able to see through the illusion magic of elves

that they look identical, except they are dressed for Oktoberfest. Yep, 100%. And then they drive her home. And they're holding presents for some reason. Also, Nora is getting more scarves for some reason. We didn't mention this at all. She's wearing a scarf in every single episode

and then we'll later complain about how hot it is. But she's, part of this ice cream tour is that she's going to buy several more scarves and just layering them on top of herself. Well, she's got to find something to do. Yeah. Yeah. You gotta buy scarves when you can't fuck.

So now it's time to cut over to the children being naughty. This was Lydia's best worst, the back and forth thing of the toy and the gentle bonking of the teddy bear. Yes. Yes. It's as though they're in the background of a Street Fighter movie. You know, Street Fighter game where they're in the background of a street fighter. You know? Street fighter game where they're in the background, someone's arm would just go up and down forever like the Street Fighter 2 for SNES, you know?

And so the elves find out like, well, I guess we find out, I didn't know this at all, that they could do magic with their little ball thingies. And so the elves shine their magic on the kids to try and make them be nice and it only is temporary So then the next thing that the elves do is they just shout kids be nice to each other stop being mean And then they sit down and give up like that's the best they can do. And then they quit Yeah, and they're literally like what do you want to do? All right, I'll see you later and she says she says Literally, they can't do it.

They're like, let's try overriding their free will. So they do that for a minute. And then they're like, well, and then the line is, quote, you want to do something fun, just the two of us? And she says, I'd rather just go back to my room. Yep. Okay. Cool.

Now it's time for this movie to get fucking weird. So weird. Yeah, it hasn't been weird yet everybody. Okay, here's what we cut to. Really brace your fucking asses people, because I promise whatever, go ahead, pause the podcast and write down the buck wildest shit you think could happen next to this movie. We watch Jessica dressed in a French mime costume, watching the two of them dance in a lit up gazebo. Norwood and Elwa are dancing in a lit up gazebo. Elwood and Nora are dancing in a lit up gazebo. Then he pulls his magic ball out of his pocket, sucks Nora into it, and walks off into the nightmare.

Do I know what the fuck just happened? Absolutely not, but I'm gonna guess, cause it's my job. I think Elwood created a hologram with his magic ball. That's my prediction too. And then danced with it? The elf devices also include the capability for incredibly realistic VR porn.

And I think that's great. Touchable, sexual holograms, and Jessica's just watching. She just happened to be watching. The little girl is just watching. But also a hologram that like can't dance either. Like it was just step, step, step, step, spin, step, step, step, step. Yeah, he has to manually program it.

Yeah. This is a middle school ballroom dancing class, if anything. Yeah. So fucking weird. Out of nowhere. Yeah. But also the effort, I'm sorry, the effort that went into the visual effects of this. Like it's so discordant, if that's the word, what the movie is.

Like this took, it's not that easy to do this in 2010 as I said. It's not. Not only that, you have to do this after you've seen the piece of shit movie you've made. They can't make these effects ahead of time. It'd be one thing if they roped in some person who doesn't know what's happening to make a bunch of effects. But that person, whoever's working on these effects, has to see the nothing. Had the competence to make those effects and saw this movie and then put the one on top of the other. Exactly. Like if I took that job, if I were that contractor, whatever, that independent contractor, I'd be like,

Oh, you sent me something but it's not a movie, so do you? That's not a movie. If you send me the movie, I'd be like, oh, you sent me something, but it's not a movie. So, if you send me the movie, I'll do it. I'll do it, but I'm not going to do it on this footage. Yeah, I think this is like a vacation footage or something. Shout out to Shane Williams. Shout out to Shane Williams, the digital effects credit on this movie. I hope that he ended up being the wetta workshop

from Lord of the Rings, but no, that's the way it's happened. He deserves good things. Oh, well, I mean, he was an animator on Barney. He was an animator for Jimmy Neutron Boy Genius. Yeah, like it's actual work, like seriously. And an animator for Sausage Party. Okay, that's something. Okay, so Shane took a dirty turn.

He did, he did. I took work where he could get it. Shane's on board. All right, well, this movie Shane took a dirty turn. He did, he did. I took work where he could get it. Shane's on board. All right. Well, this movie just took a turn that I would be way more comfortable talking about if these elves were played by adults, so let's get back through the hard sell here. Will the two elves played by literal children fuck? Can he fuck that hologram?

If Santa has fuckable hologram technology, why did he never bring me that for Christmas? Find out the answer to blissfully few of these questions while we return for the Santa Threatens the United Nations conclusions of summertime Christmas. Because you're Jewish. Yeah. That's right. We all got it. We all got the fuckable hologram technology. You all got the fuckable hologram technology?

Yeah, sorry man, it's because you're Jewish. Damn. Well, don's cause you're Jewish. Damn! Well, don't be Jewish next time. Hate being the Jew guy. This is an ad by BetterHelp. Okay, and how do we feel about the scene where Dumbo's mom reaches through the cage? Like the bottom of the world fell out and I will never be happy again.

Nope. Again, the answer is sad. Right. Sad. Hey guys, whatcha doing? You ready to finish this show? Yeah, one second, Thomas. Lydia's helping me have a normal amount of sad reaction to the tragic moments in movies. So far, we are not doing great. You're giving me really hard ones. Gosh, Eli, it sounds like you might want to work on that with a therapist.

I'd love to, but who's got time to hunt down someone affordable and sane? Well, why don't you try BetterHelp? What's BetterHelp? Come on, I was going to be three for three. Didn't bear my children. With over 35,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over five million people globally. That sounds great!

It is! It's convenient, too. You can join a session with a therapist at the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life. Plus, switch therapists at any time. So no awkward therapist breakups? No awkward therapist breakups. Alright, Thomas, I'm sold.

Where do I sign up? As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Talk it out with BetterHelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash awful. That's BetterHELP.com slash awful. Alright guys, thanks. I'll see you in the studio.

So did you try bing bong? Oh, we didn't even get close to bing bong. That's because you're not bing bong! He's right, you're not bing bong. What are you doing, man? Telling the truth. Attention! Attention!

This is Santa, with an urgent communication to all of my elves. Oh, it's Santa! Let's hear what he has to say It has come to my attention that a full 70% of boys and girls are now on the naughty list if this continues I will cease to distribute toys Immediately, okay, but wouldn't that punish the good kids? If these children do not get on track, there will be no Christmas for anybody ever again. I just don't see how they're connected. Maybe he's gonna say...

Also, Santa has some important thoughts on women's swimming he'd like to share. You know what? I'm just gonna mute the thread. Yeah, probably for the best. Pizza cake! Ha ha ha ha ha. And we're back. When we left off, Elwood had a fuckable hologram of Nora.

So that really happened? I didn't dream that? No. Okay. No. And Jessica is affirming that for us because she now runs to her mom and dad to tell them that the movie is now about helping Elwood fuck Nora.

And the plan is to make Christmas cookies for everybody in town and that... How is that going to make Elwood fuck Nora? Do you guys know how that was supposed to make Elwood fuck Nora? I don't know. I don't know. The mom also, they do this thing where the mom is like, I knew all along. But she starts off with like, what you think you heard to Jessica, like gaslighting her.

And then now she wants to set up Nora and Elwood also, and is like super excited about it. I don't, yeah, I don't understand how that happened. And yeah, now they're going to make cookies not just for Elwood, but for 91 families is what we learned. Yeah. So yeah, they're making Christmas cookies. And I just have to point out this one line because obviously what I was writing in my notes at this point was, Hey, didn't you just have a fight about grocery prices? How can you afford to make cookies for 91 families? Well, don't worry. They let us know that the grocery store

donated the supplies. Again, a scene that I would have loved to have seen because they're in the grocery store and they're, well, if you're making cookies for everybody, just take the flour and eggs and sugar and sprinkles. It's not like we work at the factory. Our jobs are great. Yeah.

So meanwhile, Elwood and dad are out doing some fishing. Yeah. And we see at the very beginning of the scene, there's a random police officer. Oh, this is the best. Issuing a ticket to a car. We don't know why. This is where we get more of Eli's best worst.

Because. Yes. The whole time. We don't know why. This is where we get more of Eli's Best Worst. Because... Yes. The whole time... First off, they're unloading the truck and I wish... I've stared at this because they're like, let's go take the boat out and go fishing. Oh, yeah. You know, that's normally like you tow a boat behind your truck,

you know, and it's a little fishing boat. Instead, they have a trailer that has a kid's paddle boat in it. Yeah. It's like a kayak. No, it's not. It's like a weird flat paddle boat thing. Yeah, it's a duck boat. It's a duck boat. A duck boat? What's a duck boat? Like a paddle boat-y thing, yeah. So we're to understand that the dad and this elf guy

are going to get in a little paddleboat and fish. Yeah. Yep. So anyway, in that parking lot thing is a police officer writing a ticket, I guess. It's a weird place for that to happen. At the park? At the lake? I don't know. And then, the whole point of him being there, as I was wondering, why is this police officer writing a ticket?

Yeah. Is so that we can have a mom, I'm gonna play the sounds again here, but I probably have to describe it. The mom's walking, police officer's there. Mom's got two kids. One kid takes the toy from the other kid. She grabs the kid.

Yep. What, so one sibling takes the toy from the other kid. She grabs the sibling's arm, lifts her hand to hit him. Yeah. And then looks up at the police officer. And then doesn't. And then doesn't. Yeah.

I did not catch this on my first watch. I initially was like, why is the police officer, like, what is he going to do if a kid takes a lollipop? I thought she was like reacting to that. And then I rewatched it and I was like, oh no, she's gonna like open hand, like slap him. She literally has her head up to hit the shit out of this kid. To slap her child in the face.

Yeah, yeah. To slap her child. And then we see her, Thomas doesn't mention this, she makes like a, people these days face. Like, oh, I can't hit my kid in the face. Because the government, right? The government doesn't let you hit your kid. And you're right, it's a lollipop, sorry. Importantly, then she doesn't take the lollipop.

So the thinking of this film is that, well, what are you gonna do? Now that brother just has both lollipops and the mom goes and comforts the other kid, like, yeah, I'm powerless powerless the only way I had previous Was to hit the fuck out of him. I have no other I have no other he just owns our house now that kid your brother owns everything It's such a beautiful insight into the mind of people who hit their kids that they think the two options are hitting your kids or Literally no ability. Yeah. Yeah. ability to interfere with what your children do.

So funny. God, it's so funny. I laughed out loud. That's funny. I don't know. I, because I laughed out loud when we were watching this and I didn't realize you didn't notice that. I couldn't tell. Yeah, yeah. The way she looks too is so, oh man. Yeah. If it weren't for that fucking police officer kid, I would kill you. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. So now that night, we're going to cut to Jessica talking to dad because she has something very serious to talk to him about. She says, she says that she has a big secret. Now let me say as a parent that this dad could not give less of a fuck. Same note. And this was the one I said I had to play. So we gotta hear it.

All right, let's hear it, let's hear it. Are you busy? Just trying to get some things done. What's up? I need some advice. I know a secret about someone, a big secret. And I'm not for sure what I should do. As a parent, you stop what you're doing.

Yeah. You stop everything. You look at your kid. As a parent, you stop what you're doing. You stop everything. You stop everything and you begin to load a gun. You calmly and quietly. And you try to be as chill as possible. You're like, okay, I don't want to spook the kid. Maybe that's what's going on. Maybe the daddy is just a really great actor and he's just pretending to be chill.

Not it, but yes, it was nice of you to say. Okay, what does he do? What kind of a secret? He's a great actor and he's just pretending to be chill. Not it, but yes, it was nice of you to say. Okay, what does he do? What kind of a secret? Good, bad, serious. There's a certain person, actually two people, who are lying about themselves. Well, that's a serious accusation. Couldn't be more bored.

Have you been following people again? Have you been following people? Elwood and Nora? I can't give it a secret anymore. It's too big. They're elves. Santa's elves. What makes you say that?

Toxastic openness. Good for him. I could keep playing it, but basically he's so chill this entire time. Does not, not a care in the world. I'm glad that we played that there because it's actually like the first opportunity I had to listen to the lines because there's a fly in that scene that I could not stop watching every other time. The fly is doing a song and dance fucking Michigan J-Frog number in that scene. Well, the fly is actually concerned.

Like, is there a secret? What's this ass? What a what? Yeah. Are you worried about your daughter? What's the secret? Now, let me hit you with this take, Smiths. Let me hit you with this.

Yes. Because we never see a scene where dad is otherwise convinced that they are elves. So are we supposed to believe that Jessica won him over in this conversation? That she was like, they're elves. And he was like, fuck it, they're elves. So are we supposed to believe that Jessica won him over in this conversation? And she was like, they're elves. And he was like, fuck it, they're elves. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh boy.

No, because it comes up later and they do the thing where she's like pointing out all their lies and he's like, wow, they did lie. Because there was a scene that was so funny. We didn't have time to talk about was brilliant comedy Where the where the guy was telling the story that was different than the girl was telling about where they're from and he said Canada and she said Alaska or some bullshit and so they must be The only other possibility yeah, so we watch Elwood and Nora do a little paddle boating shenanigans.

They're in the paddle boat that it must have been the dad and him in fishing in and I wish I could have seen that. Yeah, they're in the other paddle boat and also probably the boat Andrew died next to him. Which honestly, I was going to skip over this. I've written in my notes to skip over the paddle boating scene except it is bizarre foreshadowing considering that Andrew died. That and the drowning in the pool scene. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, it was a sign, guys. He was trying to tell us. So you're probably wondering, how are these elves going to save the jobs? Don't worry. It's the stupidest possible thing you could imagine. So Elwood and Nora show up to the house and Elwood has a bowl of cranberries? Raspberries? Yeah. They look like raspberries to me. And he's like, here, eat one of these.

And everyone says it tastes like, everyone says a different thing, more terrifying than less. The first description of this taste is it tastes like peppermint or cinnamon, which I don't know if you know this, are two different flavors. But then the mom says, it tastes like grandma's house. So I don't know what the fuck we're talking about. But I guess the berries taste like Christmas?

You didn't even want him to be like, I'm having a stroke. The berries taste like Christmas? You didn't even want him to be like, I'm having a stroke. Yeah. So he gives him this thing and dad's first question, which I will think about till the day I die. He eats this berry that tastes like Christmas, brought to him by what he now believes to be elves.

Yeah. And his question is, where'd you get this bowl from? Yeah. Well, the elf tries to say, oh, they were actually, he does a little magic thing. And he's like, he shoots his magic ball and we're to believe that he's like sprouting up the berry plant in dad's flower bed or something outside. And so he's like, it was actually yours. And he's like, well, then where'd you get the bowl? Yeah, and he says okay admit it you guys are elves and they immediately say yes. Yeah

Admit it you guys are elves. Yeah, we get like a Peter and the Wolf scoring here like for that conversation too when when they're like kind of going after each other and Elwood's trying to play it cool and it's very Everything about the scoring is so disjointed in this movie. It's insane. It's very insane. It's also nonstop. Like again, the later... It never stops.

I actually tried to look up who did the music, but his name was too generic. I didn't have time to actually track it down. Apple Loops. Yeah. Well, but it's like, it's... This wasn't AI. Like if it were now, I'd say, wow, they got an AI engine to write every second of the music. Cause it's like the work, it's thought through it

all the whole time it's going. Why would you do this? These people must add a shitload of money, right? Did they just pay a bunch of people to do it? Yeah, I mean, well, Bridgestone Multimedia Group, which we saw at the beginning, I think they probably gave some money and they handled all the distribution.

So all the distribution. Yeah. On Amazon and Bridgestone does a bunch of our Christian movies. Bridgestone is always like, if I ever get a recommendation and then I see that Bridgestone made it, I feel more secure than it belongs on our show. Oh no, there's some fucking crazy in there. I'm going to see it. Right.

So now we cut to dinner. Mom needs to announce that she also knows their else she always knew from the beginning always knew they were elves And this is why how does she know quote? I'm a woman a wife and a mother So this raises a very important question Lydia. Can you tell if people are elves? Um, I think I should go test it out. Maybe I can like go into the world. Go find two children and ask them to fuck each other. Ask them to fuck each other. I will say I have always really liked the Santa Claus growing up. So elves played a big part in my life.

You knew there were elves. But at dinner, this is where the elves announced their plan. That Elwood has made this Christmas berry so that they can start a Christmas berry factory. An industry. An industry. Yeah. Yeah, he says, one of the lines I wrote down was, I know the town can use a new industry. Yeah.

Yeah. And that's it. Cool. That is it. The money problems of the town will be solved for the rest of the movie by this Christmas berry he has introduced. And then it starts, word starts to spread throughout the town. Oh, God.

Another company is coming into town. Yeah. And then they're like, yeah, I saw the paperwork. It's like the company coming into town paperwork This scene the scene in the grocery store where the owner of the Airbnb is confirming to everybody that the company's coming into town Was like we the audience were skeptical that they could start the new factory and they were like we should have a scene where they File an LLC so people know They were like, we should have a scene where they file an LLC so people know it's fucking for real.

This line from this lady that it was maybe the worst actor of the bunch, which is, you know, I know it's a challenge, but she was so bad. She said, the likelihood of another company coming to our town was negligible. Insane. Insane. So now we cut over to Jessica. Little Jessica, hey, you remember when this movie was about putting on a Christmas play? Well, it's about that again.

Yeah. Because this scene cannot introduce a conflict that it doesn't immediately resolve. So she goes to check in on the kids and the kids are just kind of fucking hanging. Yeah. Right? But the problem is, the issue is they want to make their Christmas play about Santa. Not suck. Yeah. Yeah. Like, wait, we thought this wasn't going to be bullshit. She's like,

no, it's fucking religion, baby. Yeah. And so they revolt and leave her there. Which is smart. Like, I agree with them. I loved all of the kids revolt and leave except for Lexi. Lexi wearing these angel wings, she's gonna stand by Jessica and then once all the kids leave, then she's like, we can't do this alone and she leaves. It's the only accidentally funny thing. Like it's actually good comedy. Like if they had planned it, but I'm sure it was just an accident,

but if they had planned it, it's actually really funny because it's like, oh, it's sweet. This one little girl is gonna stand with her and say, yeah, we do. And then they give not even a full second, not even a full one Mississippi, where she goes, we can't do it ourselves and just leave. I didn't want to be grouped in with the people who are leaving because of the Jesus stuff, but I am leaving. I am leaving.

I'm just leaving because this is dumb. It's not, I'm not anti-Jesus. So church lady, who's church lady? Who fucking knows? No, no, no. She just entered the movie. But there's a lady who lives in this church. She's not the deacon or the priest. Cause this is like midnight too. We're to believe this is in the middle of the night, right?

Fucking 4 a.m. This church lady wanders in and she suggests that Jessica does the Christmas play all by herself. And for one glorious second, I thought we were going to get to watch Jessica's one woman Christmas pageant. A la Sarah Snook, picture of Dorian Gray. Exactly.

Yeah, multimedia experience. Well, I also was once again like, God damn it, this is Phoebe. She's going to be like, fine, I'll do the whole play myself. I'm like, oh my God, just learn to play with other kids, please. Learn to let other kids control some aspect of something. But quitting the Christmas play wasn't enough because that night the bad kids are there to do mischief in the church.

They're there to play castle. Yeah, they say playing castle at the park is getting old, but this looks like a real castle. It's legitimately the line. Because it's a church town. So this is when it's midnight. Sorry, I fucked up. This is the midnight scene. Yeah.

So now it's time for the kids to be bad in the church. And obviously, there's a lovely building, right? One of the saddest things about religion is that it has a bunch of pretty buildings and it fucking wastes them on playing pretend. So they let these kids run around, but they very obviously can't be too bad. They don't show the kids knocking over the crucifix. The crucifix has just been laid down, right? The crucifix has been laid down.

They're allowed to knock over like one poster and it cuts away immediately after you can tell the kids got yelled at. And the rest of the stuff they're allowed to knock down is the cardboard box city that she made for her set. Yes, exactly. That's it. They're not allowed to do anything else. So they're mischieffing, but then one of the kids falls down and breaks his leg on the cross. On the cross.

Yeah. And this church lady is so chill about it, she does not care. Like she talks to him, she starts preaching at him. Yes. Like while his leg is broken. But also he's insane too. Yes. Like he's absolutely insane. Dude, the, the, I don't want any of your water thing.

It's fucking nuts. It's like a torture scene. She, she tries to give him some water while like, while they're waiting for the ambulance. And he slaps it out of her hand. Yeah. It's like James Bond saying scratch the other one a little bit to the left. He's fucking nuts. He's about to be interrogated.

He's like, get this out of my face, lady. And to be frank, okay, actually, I kind of get it, you know, if she's about to proselytize. Yeah, and she is. And she is to a kid whose leg is broken. And but I love it because the kid actor forgets his leg is broken, like immediately and just starts talking. Like he starts like full, like tenting his hands and like, Hmm, interesting. They have an Oxford style debate about whether or not you can hit your kids.

But the thrust of church ladies argument here is that only Jesus and God get to make the rules not spoken out loud, re-hitting your kids. So yeah, she explains that he has if he's in trouble and she says, yes. Yeah, she says, yes, you're already in trouble, not just for tonight, but for every bad thing you've ever done. Reminder, this is a kid with an actively broken leg and this is an adult comforting him. Comforting him while the ambulance gets there. Oh yeah, you think this pain is bad.

Just wait, you little fuck. Wait till the fire to hell. Yeah. You will have more broken legs than you have legs, you little shit. But he's convinced, he's convinced, and when he feels better, he's going to come back and clean. Yeah. Well, yeah, because she says the church has to be cleaned by Saturday night and he says what happened Saturday night and it was like No an hour ago. You were part of the play. Yeah

You had a call time Name still on the call Sarah remembered the call She was in it to win it. Her drama program was actually really professional, guys. You have no idea. It's like Broadway. So the next morning, Jessica sadly walks through the church to see the kids made, but then they show up and they want to be in the play again. Yeah.

Yeah. I like the reveal as the kids are coming back in because then we see his name is Ben, by the way with the broken leg. Bad kids. So I called him broken leg Ben and we see him standing at the door and he walks up. I thought she was going to like embrace him. It felt like Jessica was going to run into his arms and give him a big hug the way that

they shot that. But she just comes up and kind of asks him what happened and he says that he fell but somebody helped him back up. Yeah. And then it focuses And then the camera... Focuses on the stained glass... Focuses on the stained glass window behind them with Jesus. God, it's so fucking...

Being crucified. It's so fucking funny. Hands up to Christ. Yes, it does. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So good. So obviously all these children's hearts have been changed and you know who's heard that

news? Santa Claus. Yeah. Tucker Carlson Santa. So he has a big announcement that all the kids in this one town are being good and that has swayed the numbers back or he just he knows the path to making kids good again? Yeah, that would be negligible, wouldn't it?? I mean you're talking about the whole world number Yeah, he might as well say well this town is what the movies about But he's still making the Tucker Carlson face he's like still mad about it like I'm looking at it right now

What is it because they all rotted their brains and all these people like is that how they are they just make that face all The time must be. No fucking shot. Now, I know what you're thinking, Hey, Eli, we've gotten to see bad acting, but do we get to see bad acting-ception in this movie? Yes. Yes, we do. So now we're going to watch a bad Christmas pageant inside a bad movie. And here's the thing.

In a weird way, it comes out the other end and these little kids are better than the movie. Oh, significantly. I think it's a weird like, you know in Mario where you go out one side of the screen You come back in the other side of the screen kind of thing Like it's some weird bizarro thing where it's like if you do a play within a play of a really in a really shitty movie Then you turn good. Yes. It's just math. It's possible. I'd like to take you know, just I I know I've been singing Sarah's praises throughout this entire time. Who the fuck is Sarah? Please. She's the theater kid.

She's the theater kid. Thomas doesn't get us, Lydia. She does a wonderful performance of Mary in this where the angel comes through to tell her that she's pregnant. And she says, but I can't have a baby. I'm a kid. And then the angel says, with God all things are possible. Yeah, love that. Love that message. Oh, okay. No, that's disgusting. And I am not sure if that was just for the movie or if that's the actual story,

because it is the actual story. It is the actual story, yeah. Essentially. She's 13 in modern time. She was 11 in, you know, Old Testament times. Yeah. Okay. And then my other favorite part of them doing this pageant is that they made the inn the bed and breakfast ladies place.

And he's like, wait, you went to other places before you came to mine? Yeah. It's actually funny. He was like, you can stay in the barn and next time if you come here first I'll let you have a bed. Yep. Who got, who was in charge of this part of the movie? I don't know. They should have done the rest of it. A fictional business within this movie got a plug within the play. Yep. They're swoosh and doodly-doos. We're going deep. Literally swoosh. Okay, so the play is over. Everybody's eating Christmas berry pie. And then a random old man is there.

So that's Santa, Thomas. Yes, I know, but okay, we know it's Santa, but imagine what this is to the adults in the church. Hey, does anyone know this old man who is sitting there talking to children? Asking kids to sit on his lap Yeah, anyone know who that is did anyone hire this guy? Yeah, wouldn't you immediately want to know that? Yeah, nope. They're just fine with so they they wonder Nora Now would go over and they're like Santa is that you and he's like, yeah This is where we get a close-up of Santa for the first time because he's kind of been in the distance while he was doing

His message and this is where we saw Santa's fake tan for the first time, which, can I say, really bummed me out. Like, supremely bummed me out. But this is where Santa, I think, is delivering what is supposed to be the message of this movie, which is that Christmas magic can't change hearts. Only God can do that. Yeah, yeah. And he talks like, oh yeah, no, me and God, we go way back. And if I were the elves, I'd be like, this is the first time I'm doing it.

You've never mentioned it to me. I'm 400 years old. I've worked for you for this long. And there's some being in charge of the universe and I didn't even know about it. It's because Santa hates the elves and he wants to damn them to hell. I guess. For all eternity, I guess. It's possible they don't have souls and he doesn't want to have to break it to them?

Oh, there's soulless, like, Olympus slaves. No, you guys are like cats and dogs. The lights just go out. Sorry, kids. I didn't want to tell you about this. You keep, whenever I tell them, they keep killing themselves. Something about infinity in the void, the sooner it starts, the better. No, go take this VR porn and go.

So, so now, again, this movie just gets weirder and weirder. Santa's like, Jessica, you were good the whole movie. Oh my God. Do you have a special gift you'd like to ask for? And she requests that Elwood and Nora be her slaves. Pretty much. Cool. Cool. Like, kidnap them every single summer.

Yeah. No, no, he counteroffers with that. She's like, I want them to live here and with me. And he's like, no, I need them. But they'll come here for every vacation. And you watch Nora and Elwood and be like, oh, cool. Ohio. For every vacation. For what might be an infinite lifespan. And then I know we did this before, but this is even more so.

You cannot predict. Listener, pause. Pause the tape. So crazy. You cannot predict what is going to happen. I still can't. And I saw it. I don't, I actually don't even know what to say.

Does anyone want to take a crack at describing what we're about to watch? Here's what it... I think you can't even. Okay. Okay. So Santa's like, I have a meeting to go to. And they're like, that's weird. He magic balls a door in the church,

opens up and he's in a boardroom. We see there's a single man in a suit there. Doors slam behind Santa. Is it business Jesus? At that point I was like, is it business Jesus? I also thought it was God. Yeah. man in a suit there. Doors slam behind Santa. I thought it was God too. I also thought it was God. Yeah. It's weirder.

It's weirder than if God and Santa are about to have a business meeting. He takes off his Santa robes underneath. He's wearing a three piece suit and he says, they only sent one of you. And the guy's like, yeah, I'm a congressman for Alaska. And he goes, back when I used to request a meeting, all the world leaders would show up. He's not even a world leader. He's a congressman from Alaska.

He's a junior representative too, is what he says. I love how their idea of how government works. It's so funny to me. Give your people this message. This is Santa speaking. Give your people this message. This is Santa speaking. Give your people this message. Santa doesn't want to hear about children's rights. Because if this keeps up, again, this keeps up,

he is referring to not hitting children being enforced by law. The children will be naughty forever. And then he pauses and gives him a meaningful look and says, do you understand what I'm saying? That's still a threatening to do terrorism. I think so. Yeah.

I think so. He also does his hologram graph thing to demonstrate the naughty list change over time. More fucking graphics. And then he says, and he makes it extend to the end of time. And it's just flat. Like, there's only so bad that I guess you can get. It's so good.

The naughty kids will outnumber the nice kids forever in the same proportion. In the same proportion. Yep. Yep. Okay. Unless we're allowed to start hitting them again. Yeah. So tell your constituents of Alaska, that Santa wants you to hit your kids. Go tell the Congress that Santa told you in a business boardroom to hit your kids. And can I say, would that be the weirdest thing a Republican said in

2025? Not by a long shot. So that the weird speeches will continue. We now cut over to dad. He's giving a closing speech that is real close to saying Jews are lizard people. I just want to, I want to read a couple of quotes from this speech in spite of economic hardship and a global agenda, Oh my god. the world told you to be bad. Okay. We'll light a Christmas tree on June 25th for as long as everyone in this room is alive.

It's his actual words in the movie and then they all begin singing Silent Night. Yeah. Yeah. Also, why does he get to decide that they're going to do that every year? He's not the mayor. What does he have to do with anything? He's not a city council person. He doesn't have a job.

He doesn't even have a job. He's not even the church lady. Yeah. You work at the Berry Factory. Hey, isn't that that unemployed fucking ex factory worker? Who wants us to have a tree industry? Yeah. Yeah.

No, he's a Barry mogul now. A Barry, Barry mogul. He's a fucking... He's a Barry mogul. A Barry baron. And then the final shot of the movie, we watch young Jessica transform into old Jessica. And Elwood and Nora are there, the same age, looking like tweens. The church is the exact same building.

Everything is the exact same. It's an amazing practical effect. They got an old lady to be the little girl. Everything else is identical to what it was, but it's 50 years later. And that's the end of the movie. Well, we have to leave the church and the way that we do that is we zoom out from Google Earth. Yes. Is what's happening and like it. Yeah. We click out from Google Earth. It's ambitious to be like 50 years later and then zoom out and they didn't put any flying

cars or anything. You know, they should have done something. You can't have it be exactly the same. A nuclear wasteland outside. Yeah, that would have been great. It would have been open for it. Mutants, you know. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

It's a fallout crossover film. I'm into it. Mad Max out there, you know, but they're still lighting this one tree. Exactly. All right. Well, Thomas, Lydia, thank you for joining me for this madness. Otherwise, I truly would have believed I hallucinated this film. If our listeners want to hear more from you, where can they go? Well, we talked a bit about it at the top of the show. We've been doing a lot of stuff over on Gavel Gavel together, covering the lively Valdoni stuff.

People can check us out on where there's Woke. We've been doing a lot of fun stuff there. We're working on a really, really good series, but it's extensive. And so it's taking us kind of a long time to get it out, but so excited for that. Hoping in the next few weeks and Thomas over on OA and if people want to hear me on dear old dads not be a dad They can for the last two episodes. That's right the last episodes we had a special Lydia

Tacular. Yeah, so you check all that out or check the show notes where we'll have links to all those fine Radio programs Thomas Lydia. Thank you so much for joining me. Thank you. And while that does it for our review of Summertime Christmas, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to lure you into our blackout van for next week. So tell us... me? I was like, shit, was I supposed to do this? What's on deck?

I don't know. I don't fucking know. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it, I got it, I got it. The politics behind the gay agenda. This film does not promote slander or hate speech,

but brings attention to a controversial topic, regardless of gender, race, age, or sexual preference. Is it about freedom of choice or political power? We'll be watching Gay Rights Special Rights. Oh man. Couldn't we do that? Cancel this. Undo this one.

We'll do that one. Undo. Undo. So with that to look forward to, we'll bring episode 512 to a merciful close. Thanks again to Lydia and Thomas for joining us. Huge thanks to all our Patreon donors who helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash godawful and thereby earn early access

to an ad free version of every single episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Scathing Atheist, Citation Eat It, D&D Minus, and The Skeptocrat, wherever your podcasts live.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you canD-, and The Skeptocrat, wherever your podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email godawfulmoviesatgmail.com. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark or the person or AI who made Summertime Christmas and was the newest with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Thomas and Lydia Smith, I'm Eli Bosnik, promising to work hard to earn another

chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the Breakfast Club clothes. Sarah realizes her dream to make it on Broadway, moves to New York, and beats out Lea Michele, her funny girl. Oh! Dang, can you imagine? Oh, it would be amazing. Ha ha ha. Sixty-year-old Jessica is still trying to make the two elves fuck. Ha ha ha. Elwood and Nora burned in hell forever because Santa didn't tell his slaves about Jesus.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. This content is canned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4255 or on their website at creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2025, all rights reserved. Time is precious and so are our pets. So time with our pets is extra precious. That's why we started Dutch.

Dutch provides 24 seven access to licensed vets with unlimited virtual visits and follow-ups for up to five pets. You can message a vet at any time and schedule a video visit the same day. Our vets can even prescribe medication for many ailments and shipping is always free. With Dutch you'll get more time with your pets and year-round peace of mind when it comes to their vet care.