God Awful Movies - 516: Leap: A Tale of the Last Days

Episode Date: July 22, 2025

This week, we break down the long awaited capper to the Leap trilogy live from Cleveland, Ohio. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/ Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

Kids, I know it's scary out there. I know we're all afraid to lose our jobs to AI. And if you'd like to be a little less afraid, go ahead and listen to some of this music. Oh my God. We are enjoying a summertime. Summertime friendship, friendship summertime. It's like what a white South Africans are really having a hard time but God awful movie Movies. Movies. Movies. ["The New York Times"]

Welcome to the GAMCast live from Cleveland, Ohio! Thank you, Cleveland! The friendliest big city in America, at least as far as I can tell. This is, of course, the podcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because if we do that long enough it earns you a trip to Cleveland, Ohio. I'm not sure what we're gonna have to set a new goal for ourselves. I don't know what that will be but to help me figure it out, please welcome to the stage my good friend Heath Enright!

Yes! All right! Hello Cleveland! Yes! Everybody who voted against JD Vance is here. I love it. Well done. Got all of them. Beautiful.

Excellent. And since you got those hands warmed up, let's keep that applause going. I got one more co-host to introduce, and that would be my bad friend Eli Bosnik! Oh my god. Wow, man. Wow, man. So rock and roll baby, rock and roll. So what's up Rock City? No, it's not. Hey, Eli, do you want to wave to your extended family that's in the audience

here? With your hands, Eli, with your hand! All right, I don't want to bring you all into the meta bit too much, but you have to understand that I am the SoundCloud rapper of my family. This is the weirdest experience they've ever had. They're like, we thought he was lying. We thought he was still selling drugs. I'm so much less proud. Should I go change or should I go? Yeah, if you don't mind, if you don't mind. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Just for the record, when Eli was in the hall right before he came in, he got ready to do what you just saw, and then one stranger walked down the hallway and was like, what the fuck is happening in there? And here we are. That's a fun story for them. Real quickly, while Eli is getting ready,

I want to tell you guys a fun story about Platinum Night. Last night, our friend Stormy brought the most amazing board game I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, everyone who was at Platinum Night knows, because we had to keep standing up and singing hymns and whatnot. The name of the game was the Salvation Challenge, and I shit you not, the way you won that game

is by being the first player to give all your money to the church. Honestly, between all the stories and the puns that you send us and that game, you are so close to being our favorite listener. You just have to, right, you just have to defeat April in single combat, which you will not do. No.

I'm not gonna put you... April is scrappy. Yeah. Yeah. So... She wields that walker like a shield. It's not just a shield. No.

It's an offensive weapon as well. Okay. So, without further ado, tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Leap 3. Yes! Yes! Finally! Ten fucking years we waited! A tale of the last days.

How many people actually watched this thing? Oh! Truly a delight. Truly a delight. Truly a delight. It's the story, for those who haven't seen it yet, of a Christian parkour movie going very badly. That'd be Leap 1. And then a sequel going pretty badly too.

And then a podcast was mean about it, is what I heard. And then a director spent 15 years angrily typing like fucking this. And now we have this movie for his big revenge. He got a little too meta, I think, with this one. Yes. In part three, it jumps right up its own ass so hard. It Kongs up its own ass part three style. Tresurs up its own ass.

Yeah. It's Parkour-. Tresurs up its own ass, yeah. It's Parkour-a-Boris, the movie. Yeah. Well done. Holy shit. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you loved Leap 1 and 2, but you wish you'd cut out

all those fancy somersaults and get to his real, important, spiritual message. You will love this movie. The weirdest thing about watching this movie is that Chris Temple's like, I've grown up. It's time to take my beliefs seriously. All this jumping around trash cans is below me now. Yes. Well not all. In Act Two, it's below me. Yes. So for those of you who don't remember

the earlier films, I should probably take a few seconds to catch everybody up. It doesn't fucking matter. No, it does not. It literally does not fucking matter. This movie completely ignores the other two movies except in the silliest, dumbest way possible. Pin in that. But knowingores the other two movies except in the silliest dumbest way possible pin in that but knowing what the other movies were about will slow you down in approaching this movie so we're not even gonna bother with that I said we'll just go ahead and skip to the best word so is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst hat? Okay

best best I found the directors personal YouTube channel. Y Yo, he has like a page of fun facts, okay? It is delightful, but I mean like, I don't know if delightful, it's delightful for me. Like you've read Sound and the Fury maybe, you're familiar with Hamlet. This is tragic beyond belief. It's so sad, but it's amazing. There's a video about how the release on Amazon got delayed. He explains how Amazon used to have a system where they'd let anybody upload their movie. But that led to a whole bunch of lower quality rubbish.

But it also accidentally blocked him. Yes, right, right. And his amazing But it also accidentally blocked him for a little bit. And his amazing auteur cinema. You hear that right, family? You're taking up the space! Seriously. That was like an eight minute video about the red tape. Also we got season one, episode one, of his rebooted commentary show about the new movie and he said if I get 1,000 views I'll keep making these. How many views? I watched it twice he has 45 views.

And he did not in fact keep making these so man of his word. Okay but the best one was another this was like a three-minute video. It's about him Getting a new computer and like moving to a shitty new apartment or something like that He almost deleted his entire movie by accident while he was moving his tower of his computer Whatever if only the point is in the big The point is in the background He's like spinning around and showing all the stuff around his little new office room.

Jesus. It's like he was intent... It's exactly what, as a joke, you would put there to make fun of a 50-year-old Christian cinematic parkour person in Montana. If we were allowed to dress the set, these are the items we would have... short of a noose just hanging off screen. Eli, don't spoil it. They're testing the strength of... I'm not sure that part of this wasn't... anyway.

I'll give you a couple examples. He had a guitar, of course, on a stand, of course, with a capo. He's got to have a capo. Obviously. He had a deputy sheriff badge. Yup, he'd been deputized. He'd clearly been deputized. It was on, like, the chain to go around his neck. Back the blue! Yeah, for sure.

By which I mean myself. He had a Megazord action figure that's careful. OK, that was awesome. That was awesome. I was like, no audience. He's been right. OK, I enjoyed. You might not be able to shout fire in this room, but you can definitely shout it's morphin time.

OK, careful. Wait, what else did he have? He he had a bright red karate gi. Of course he did. Of fucking course he did. Hanging in the dead center of a closet that obviously would be closed, but he's opened it up in this bright red karate gi. Letting us know who we're messing with. Yeah. And there is a literal black belt hung over a door with

the Japanese writing facing out so you can see it. It might also be the thing Eli said, we're not sure. Which is also all the more amazing because according to his bio on IMDb that I definitely checked out, his black belt is in American Kenpo? Why the fuck is it written in Japanese then? Black Belt? I don't... He might have just scribbled shit, you know? Fair. Alright, so this movie shares no actors with the original film, but for my best words I wanted to go with Best Worst's stage name. Now you may want to take your fucking phone out because you are not going to believe me when I say this. You

might want to look this up on IMDB, it's hard to find. The guy who plays the main character in this film, his stage name is Roman Nutbrock. (*audience laughs*) Roman fucking Nutbrock. I did not make that up. I bet Chris was talking to people and he came to him and he's like, hey Roman, you don't mind

being made fun of do you? And Roman was like I may have some personal experience My middle school may have been a difficult time Let's make this thing. I'm gonna go with best worst personal growth. Just quick show of hands How many y'all watched this movie? Okay, so that's 90% of the people who will end up watching this movie. I'm glad to see it. Yeah, yeah.

How many of y'all had watched the previous Leap movies? A few. Okay, here's the thing. Here's an unavoidable fact that we must all wrestle with together. Chris Temple got better at making movies in the last 15 years. But not better at thinking about the world, right? Right. He learned After Effects and an AI music program. And he's still the same. It's still the same fucking bullshit. Like he's still on to the imagine 15 years ago in your life, what animated you imagine

if that's still the only fucking thing you cared about now, right? That's where this man is. All right, well, I'll tell you what. El Director, he calls himself Christopher Temple now, but we still remember when he called himself El Director. El Director. In his first movie, so El Director kept us waiting for a decade for this, so we're gonna keep the break brief

when we come back, we'll dive into all the diving into, that is leap. A tale of the last days. Okay. How about pizza? Are there vegetables on the pizza? We can order one with no vegetables. Not in the same building we can't. Hey guys, whatcha doing?

Oh hey Heath, I'm just trying to figure out a place where we can all eat after this live show in Cleveland, but Noah is not making it easy. You tried to bring us for dirt pizza. It's true, you did, but yeah, I'm good. Thanks. Really? I haven't seen you eat the whole time we're here. Are you keto again?

Wasn't ever keto. You saw me eat a turkey jerky one time. Totally keto. He was keto ever, Matty. No, I'm getting my meals from HelloFresh. What's HelloFresh? HelloFresh makes it easier to fit quick, home-cooked meals into your schedule every week by curating delicious recipes right to your door, like panko-crusted chimichurri barmundi or sun-dried tomato grilled cheese sandoes, as well as over 100 seasonal snacks, sides, and treats.

I mean, that sounds amazing, Heath, but don't those meal kits get kind of samey? Not with HelloFresh. Choose from 60 recipes every week, including prep and bake and ready-made meals, plus 100 plus market items to add on to breakfast, lunch, and more. That sounds great. It is. I was a HelloFresh customer before they became a sponsor, and I still am.

I love that the meals unpack in seconds, and that I can have great cooking delivered on my schedule. That's why I, Heath Henwright, personally endorse HelloFresh. All right, Heath, I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Make your summer enjoyable and delicious by signing up for HelloFresh at HelloFresh. All right Heath, I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Make your summer enjoyable and delicious by signing up for HelloFresh at HelloFresh.com slash awful10fm and get 10 free meals with a free item for life. That's HelloFresh.com slash awful10fm for 10 free meals and a free item in every box.

HelloFresh.com slash awful10fm. One per box with an active subscription. Free meals are applied as a discount on the first box. Hello, fresh.com slash awful 10 FM one per box with an active subscription. Free meals are applied as a discount on the first box. New subscribers only varies by plan. All right. He thinks so. You know any places we can eat without vegetables in Ohio? Yeah, we're going to be fine. Nice. All right, everyone. Welcome to the first writers room meeting for leap. A Tale of Last Days. Now, it's obviously been a while since the last movie, so I think we can pick up with all new characters for this one. Smart.

Yeah, nobody will get lost. Exactly. Right. But don't worry, I haven't forgotten the other films because in this movie, Leap was a movie. Sorry, in Leap 3. Leap A Tale of the Last Days. Sorry, yeah, in Leap A Tale of the Last Days that we're doing right now. The first two Leap movies are movies in that?

Yes. Oh, you mean like On a Shelf is a fun Easter egg. No. No, the characters will watch the movies. Do they like them? Kind of. They'll have some criticism to send its way. They do?

Yeah. But yes, but they'll also point out that those movies got millions of views with a budget of only $200. So, you know, it's like, you know, it might not be perfect, but like a lot of people saw it. Cool. Hey, um, are we making a third movie as a direct response to a podcast episode? No. Oh, okay. Cause I was also, it's also in response to YouTube comments. Got it. God awful newbies, more like. Mm-hmm. Bunch of noobs.

And we're back! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much, Cleveland. All right. So we need to jump into this shit. Now, before we even jump into the breakdown, I wanna let to jump into this shit. Now I want, before we even jump into the breakdown, I want to let you know that this is a little more

risque than the stuff you might be used to from El Director. This one is rated 16 plus. Yeah. El Director ain't afraid to throw in an F-bomb in this one, y'all. So we get our opening Bible verse which is Matthew 15, 9, but in vain do they worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men. They're talking about Catholics there, I do believe. Yeah, it means stop being Jewish and also Catholic because they're seventh-day Adventists in this movie. So they don't like anybody else. Yeah, the meaning of that verse, the Pharisees were like,

Jesus, just have them wash their hands before, it's gross. No! Right, that's the verse, that's the whole verse. Yeah. And Jesus was like, globalist bankers. Yeah. Well, and then we get-

Working with Jeffrey Epstein, motherfucker. Yes. And then we get another quote he gives, because I guess he's like, oh, not convinced? Well, God said another one too. We get 2 Thessalonians 2, 11 and 12, That's too long for me to transcribe, but that also means that the ethnic K's are the evil day. And then we get a third, because everything

is too goddamn much. Then we get a third Bible quote, Revelation 12, 17. Oh, sorry. We also get suspenseful music continues. Oh, yes. It told me that that was continuing. So go ahead. The closed captioning was so much fun on that. It had that and then it said, light whooshes. Sorry. Sorry. I was continuing so go ahead. The closed captioning was so much fun on that it had that and then it said light whooshes. Sorry I was continuing that. It says it says light whooshes at one point which was fantastic. It's like me DMing D&D minus. And then he says then the the narrator comes on this this is the character Blake this is Roman butt cracker whatever. It's funnier than that

I'm sorry his name is Nutbrock. It is. Yeah, you're right. I can't improve on it. He spent every night praying to be named Roman Buttcrack. Lying in his bed in his rainbow pajamas just being like, please God, change my name to Buttcrack. But God didn't answer so he started celebrating Sabbath on Saturdays.

He's trying to guide his friends to butt crack and they're like, no, no, you're nutbrock. But nutbrock shows up and he goes, this isn't the story you're expecting. Because you're expecting the sequel to Leap 2, god damn it. Now, here's the thing. So if you just very quickly, Leap 2 had a cliffhanger ending, right? They all go up to the mountain, and they're like, you know, oh, are the fire-breathing Jews atop the mountain? I know this is really fucking weird

for those of you who didn't see that one, but they're like, oh, are the fire-breathing Jews atop the mountain? He goes, no, they're not, I've been to the top of the mountain, and they're like, where do we go from here? End, to be continued, right? That's the movie, that's how the movie ended. In this one, they're like, nah, fuck that.

We're just gonna reboot, reboot. And then we get our title, he goes, this is not the story you're expecting. We see the Earth from backed off, but the oceans are red, because it's blood now, right? Yeah, and then he goes, leap, a tale of the last days. Then we see Blake tearing up a little ass playground

with his bad ass parkour. Okay, look, we made fun of Leap 2 for the parkour not being related to the movie. Little did we know the Ty-Bo infomercial that would be the parkour in this movie. Okay, and so when we did the first Leap movie, I said then, there is no parkour that they do in either of those first two movies that I could not do with a drink in my hand. I stand by that.

I stand by that. I'm going to make a fucking TikTok or whatever, where I prove that or something. But that's not, I'm not bragging, the average person could do everything they do on the first try. Fred, you would nail this, you would nail this, you would tear this course up. There's a moment where the guys try to do pull-ups but he gets two and then he goes for the third one and there's no fucking way. He just gets about this far and then they just cut it. This is the kind of, what we watch on camera here is the kind of thing I do to

remind myself I'm almost 40. Right? Like I'm at the playground with my son and I'm like oh no oh no oh that's my back for the next eight months okay sorry buddy you're gonna have to get in the car by yourself daddy's gonna lie very still. He tries to do the, they've got a net where you do the tire run thing or whatever. He tries to do that, he gets like, they have two seconds of footage and he fucks up three times, it's just amazing. I like that they didn't learn their lesson from two movies worth of parkour where they were like trying to work into a plot. Parkour, for the good

good. It doesn't work because just go around. In reality. Right. You just, there's not very many tunnels where you're on like a little thing and then there's obstacles and you would need to defeat a scorpion horse locust with a Kong jump or whatever past a cargo net. Right. Well, consider like the best that's kind of ever been done in movies is the beginning of that James Bond movie right where they had the parkour. And they had to like invent all these ridiculous situations to get like that two minutes of footage

right. This guy is nowhere near that good. So instead we get a montage that is I shit you not 46 seconds long and repeats moves. It has to show he does that he runs out of shit to do about 40 seconds in and they're like man we've got six more seconds in this fucking montage man you better So and also okay, so so he gets done with that we get a title card that says seven months remaining and Then he comes home to look now this actor is like 36 But he's supposed to be like 21 or whatever in the movie. His second year of college. Oh, it was his second year?

Yeah. Okay. They were like, after your first year, I really thought you would get it together. And he's like, I thought I'd get it together at my 50th birthday, dad. When it became hard to pee at night. But he gets home, he's so old that this actor being his mom, I first started writing his wife, right? But then I had to, I'm like, then she's maybe eight, nine years older.

But then the even older guy walked in and we were like, oh. Oh, he's supposed to be young. Gotcha. So yeah, but he goes home and he starts bragging to his mom about how much he tore up the parkour course. Now we should point out too that this parkour course, because they're going to go back to it like three times. It's a fucking children's playground, right?

Like he's moved, he's moved a child out of the way. He's like told to seven year olds. He's scared children. There's parents with rules about this place. They're like, when the guy with the sex predator mustache is there, you're not allowed to go on the playground. All right, Timmy, you remember what do we do when we say Chris Tempo?

That's right, we run. We run and scream. We run and scream and rattle. I don't know you. I need an adult. I don't know you. I need an adult. El director will come for you.

You sure you don't want to finish those carrots? I heard Chris Temple's working on another movie. Here he comes. Speed laddering his way up the stairs towards your bedroom. All right. So now him and his parents, they're having dinner Christianly, and we have this just ridiculous spoon feed us some exposition that we don't need kind of moment, right, where the parents are like, well first explain how you're doing academically and then we'll move on to your love life, right? Say everything about you and your life now. Yeah. But this is also where we learn that the audio for this film will not be in sync with the lips of this film.

No. Not once. Godzilla movies from the 1940s would be like, all right, guys, take another crack at it. It's fucking, not just that, but the audio is out of sync with the lips. The lips is out of sync with the close captioning. Yes. So it's like, you had all the lips, the lips is out of sync with the closed captioning. Yes!

So it's like, you had all the clues, Mr. Policeman! Stop me while you still can for making the movie! Y'all, this stage is not meant for a fat man to fake speed later on. No, no, I noticed that earlier. I just got my second warning, there's a lot less physicality in the rest of it. It was like, errrrr. So, yeah, so they're sitting there having their... Like JD Vance trying to start running. So good.

I don't think I was that silly. How much did you shit, be honest? Yeah, right, right. So similar. But not as much as JD Vance. So they're talking about his backstory. They're like, what about that girlfriend you used to have, Liz, is she gonna show up in the next scene? He's like, yeah, probably,

because we mentioned her in this scene. Just do your movie! Meet Liz, go fishing, whatever the fuck, start the movie. We don't need to know, we don't have to be prepared to meet Liz. It's like they're trying to talk me into watching the movie. I'm already watched, just go. Fucking go.

Mom says, well, how's your love life going? She says, I got my love life under control. And I'm like, that mustache says otherwise, kid. It's being covered up by Pam Bondi right now, that mustache. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. Cover up.

See? They get it. Oh yeah. Is that the side we're on? So yeah, so I think so. So then they're like, they finished this scene up by my mom going, so where's the next scene gonna take place? And they're like, oh, we're gonna go fishing. So now it's time to make his drone tax deductible. Yeah! Right? What has Chris spent 15 years doing? Drone shots and after effects. Yes, yes. Drone shots. Oh, sorry, sorry, wait, before we get to the the fishing scene, there's the scene where the mom and dad are laying in bed. So first we see an aurora over their house, because that actually, if you buy six effects, the seventh one is free. And so we see that, and then we see mom and

dad laying in bed. now this scene actually, almost nothing happens in this scene, but it's the first time we see this director try to film in the dark, and it's just the dark. Right, where there's a vague outline of two human beings in there somewhere. Right? Which is crazy, because he will later

color correct a river into blood. Yeah. So his priorities for this film were way out of whack. He was like, if this water doesn't look like blood, this movie doesn't see air. If it's nighttime, you will not see the characters. Nothing. So mom and dad are starting.

Now, keep in mind, we just had like a five minute spoon feed exposition scene. So now mom and dad are talking about his backstory, right? So they're talking about how he doesn't want to come to mass anymore. He's not coming to their Catholic Church the way he should be. And the whole time she's playing with rosaries because they said that like having her go Catholic, Catholic, Catholic was a little bit too on the nose. Okay, but the best part is they're not Catholic. They're Seventh Mountain Advent, whatever crazy cult they are.

Yeah. But they know that you move the rosary beads, so she's just kinda like... ... ... ... ... ...

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

... ... .................. There's a great moment you see she gets to the end of the beads and she's like what are they fucking do when they get to the end? Oh it's a circle. It's a good one Satan I like your prop work. So yeah so but yeah mom's got her rosaries the sun is not Catholic enough and Then we get our fishing montage. We get our drone shots now. I want to point out that the fishing montage Which will include no catching of fish, right? It's just them standing by the water casting lines. It is twice as long as the parkour montage. I

Wanted to see some parkour here from fish Like if you're not gonna catch Fish, have Fish jump out and like, Kong off his head or whatever. Run along the line. Do that kick jump through his open hand. Perfect! Fuck yeah.

Sharkour! Talk to us Chris. We will fund leapfork. So they get done fishing, we get done with that shot, and then they go to get in the truck to leave. Dad drinks a little alcohol before he drives, because you know. But also, this scene, again, this is an entirely skippable scene, except for this one bizarre fucking detail, which is that dad has a holstered gun on his hip. What the fuck is he doing?

Hey, Ohio, is that a thing that you just bring your gun fishing? Well, in case you catch one that you can't hear, in case you try to fucking parkour. Yeah, he tries to parkour around and make you look stupid, you know. I kept waiting for the gun. It's Chekhov's not gun. It is, yeah, right, because it's never fired, we never see it again. In fact, dad will fire a fucking gun later and it's not this gun. It's not that gun. It's a different-er gun. Yes, so fucking dumb. But yeah, but dad drinks some alcohol, has a firearm, and tells him he needs to go to church more. Right, he says, he says, mom is worried that college is corrupting his faith, and if he wants to live in their house over the summer then he will go to mass god damn it. So okay so now we're back home and

dad is gonna set a record for the laziest and dumbest way anything has ever been introduced to a movie. The newspaper? Yes he looks up from a newspaper and he goes and this is a direct fucking quote from the movie, he goes, hey honey, a bunch of old people and kids are dying and nobody knows why. And they never address this again. He says it while chuckling. He's like, classic old people and kids. Honey, I don't even, whatever, I'm gonna do the wordle,

but like that's great, right? We're never gonna talk about it. And it's not the rapture. I thought it was the rapture when I was watching the movie, but the rapture happens at the end of the movie. Yes. So he's just Andrew Cuomo-ing. He's just like, yeah, I guess old people are dying.

So. So. So, okay, so dad says that, then we go, so this is Sunday morning, right? So Blake gets up and they're like, hey, you gotta go to church today. He's like, hey, you got to go to church today. He's like, I'm going to go to church. I just got to do some parkour for school.

So he goes out for a pre-church run and it's like, they want to do some parkour, but like, parkour is urban running and he's in the suburbs. So he's in Big Fork, Montana. Right, the suburbs of Big Fork, Montana. So he just starts jumping over Montana right suburbs of big fork, Montana So he just starts jumping over these tiny little trash cans. They're not even full-size trash cans, right? He jumps out and he does like a Kong jump over a air conditioner and that's it, right? People put out their waste paper baskets So but while he's out doing his parkour run

So, but while he's out doing his parkour run, he sees a cute girl and he trips over the trash cans as he sees her, right, because he's so distracted. And it turns out why this is Liz, the chick that we shoehorned into the story early. Why, if it isn't the only character with a name that has been mentioned so far. Yeah, yeah. He shows her that he's got a scrape on his elbow. He's like, look at my boo boo. And she goes, wow, that looks pretty bad.

And I'm like, you mean the makeup? Yes. Yeah, sure does. But they explain that he tells her he's back for spring break, which is crazy because they said summer like two scenes ago. They don't know how the seasons are. It was a long conversation. Yeah, right. But she works at the fucking coffee shop and he should come see her sometime and he walks her to work and damn it

if that doesn't make him late for church, right? That's this scene. Okay, tiny detail. Yep. The coffee shop has a sign over the door that says entrance only on the outside. Think about that. Do the math on that. Also, why does your coffee shop have a one-way door? Once you enter the bean, no one exits without one of our delicious scones. I'm just kidding. It's a safety risk because the doors close to the kitchen. Oh okay. So also why is the fucking coffee shop in like a log cabin warehouse? What the fuck is happening? This is a Montana thing I don't know.

So a revitalization project in Big Four. When I first saw it I was like do they not have coffee shop that she can walk near money? But apparently that's a real coffee shop. This is what they look like there. So okay so now we get Blake he gets home and he's too late to go to church, right? He sees the time, he's like, oh no, and he runs away. He does no fucking parkour on the way back, right? And then so he gets home, he's like, oh god, I miss church. And then we cut to him just chilling on his bunk bed, which is, he's 32 years old, so it's silly as shit. And mom and dad come home, they

chew his ass out for missing Mass, right? But he tells them that he ran into Liz and that they like to, you know, that they hit it off or whatever. Dad tells him to get his shit together. He tells him to go to his room. But dad's pretending, right? Because dad earlier was like,

just pretend you're not a Christian. Yeah, like he doesn't care, yeah, yeah. So he comes in two artisans, he's like, get your fucking head in the game. And you watch Blake be like, okay, whatever. And then mom says, I'm going to say my favorite line in the movie. Yes, yes, uh-huh. She says, are you even right with God?

Yeah. Yeah. To which he says, I don't even know what that means. I love it. Same, same. Valid. And you might as well pull out the script. It's in the script. It's what I say at this point in the movie.

The tone of it was insane though. It was like, are you even right with God is like, step one of this complicated thing. But like, did you even do right with God yet before you learned the more advanced Kantian... Right, right. ...categories or something? I don't know. It was like, do you even go here? That was the time. Yes, right. Right.

So then he's... Do you even know American Kenpo at a black belt level? No. So then, but so dad's like, go to your room. He's like, no, I'm 32. And he storms out and then as he's storming out he's like, he's like, what does he say? Is he's like, I'll be back later. He says I'll be back in a bit. Yeah. Which is a very hard phrase to slam a door to. Right. Because you hear that he's like, I'll be back in a scooch. Slam! What was that? No, that was good.

See you later, alligator. Slam! After a while, you know what? It's ruined. I've ruined the moment. I've destroyed it. Not if I see you first. Damn it!

Stupid. I said, okay, toodles, chow. Shit. TTYL. That's a text. So then he goes to the coffee shop where Liz works. He tells her they got into a fight with his parents. He hasn't seen this girl in 10 fucking years

or whatever it's supposed to be. And immediately he's like, mom's being real bitch with me. I yelled toodles at the end, sadly. We got in a big fight about me taking my dad's Lipitor. Yes. I could really use your support right now. Do you have the silliest possible beverage you could serve me?

Hot chocolate? We don't want to offend the Mormons. Here's some hot chocolate. She says, think about this. Think about if this happened in your life, how quickly you would call 911. She goes, I know just the thing, and then hands him a styrofoam cup of her special hot cocoa. That's what she says, yeah.

The fact that he did not lose consciousness during this conversation is a mystery to me. So he goes, he goes like, you know, they get to talking and he's like, you know, I was raised Catholic, but I always felt like something was missing, like, you know, like they were the Antichrist or something like that. I don't know, I couldn't put my finger on it. And she's already with him. She's helping him out. Yes, oh yeah, oh yeah. She's already red-pilling him, starting now.

Oh yeah. And she's like, no, you're just an intellectual maverick, underappreciated in your time, like certain movie makers maybe are, I don't know. L directors, in fact. Speaking of which, I have to show you an awesome movie. Okay, okay. She goes, the actual line when he explains this, she goes, yeah, no, you're an independent thinker, is what I think of you, is the line that this explains this, she goes, yeah, no, you're an independent thinker

is what I think of you is the line that this guy wrote for me to say about him. And then she's like. The elliptical dark web, that's right. Yeah, right, right. So then she's like, you know, why don't you come over to my house for a movie night? And then she takes the Styrofoam cup that he's drinking from

and starts writing on it. I thought it was going to be like, HTTP. Forward slash, forward slash. Is it four? Can't just have one. World Wide Web? Is it World Wide Web? YouTube dot, no, it's her name, phone number, whatever.

Yeah, no, it's her phone number and address, which is weird, because he was at her house when he tripped over the trash cans earlier. Also, by the way, so every time he goes to drink his, this is such a small note, but as a misophonic, I have to say this, every time he goes to drink his, this is such a small note, but as a misophonic I have to say this, every time he goes to drink his cocoa they play this absolutely disgusting... and I swear that he just did that on purpose. It's just, it's the worst fucking thing and I think he did that to me. Right? He was like, I heard what you fucking said on episode 47, you asshole. Listen to this.

So, okay. What you said on episode 46 was valid. The first one was really bad, that's true. But Leap 2, how dare you? It's in the movie. That's exactly where we're literally going with this, right, so she goes over, he goes over to her house for fucking movie night, and they watch Leap 2!

Now wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. They watch the movie. So good. How do you fit your head inside? You're doing the parkour, amorous? Careful! They watch Leap 2, and they don't like it.

No! No! He goes, she says, what do you think? And he goes, nah, could have some more parkour in it, I guess. Hey, Chris, I don't know what anti-bullying book you read for tweens that you thought you would like get us by being like, I'm going to make fun of my movie so that when the fat Jewish kid makes fun of my movie... No, Chris! No! Don't wear the shoes that I made fun of yesterday to school today! Bury them in the backyard, Chris! So she's like,

so what do you think of my Catholicism is the Antichrist Parkour movie? And he's like, yeah, you know, I guess it could have been better. And she's like, yeah, right, but what do you think about the part where it says that your religion is the Antichrist? And he's like, well, you know, that's interesting, I guess. She says, Antichrist, he's like, where'd you find this? She says, I found it online. It had over a million views.

Which is mostly y'all, I think. I just like a good two thirds of it. But yeah, she explains that she was doing Bible study and that's how she came across it. She says, you know, there was a bunch of, she says, you know, it's like a lot of, with COVID and all the wars and the politics and the earthquakes, I says, you know, it's like a lot of, with COVID and all the wars and the politics and the earthquakes, I just wanted to know,

I wanted to figure out more about why that was happening. So I watched Leap. So I watched Leap? Leap two. Leap two. Leap two. Because she says, he goes, whoa, was there a prequel? Was there a first one? She goes, don't watch the first one, it's not very,

it's not, they literally say that. He's like, well, you't watch the first one, it's not very... She's like... They literally say that, he's like, she's like, well, you know, the director, he made it on a $200 budget, it's probably, it's probably the best anybody could've done with $200 still on, not very good. His oeuvre was really being established, I think we can all agree. Director does not look like mashed potatoes

were allergic to butter. Doesn't even make sense. Who said that? But what we learn here is that the Catholics are making us celebrate the Sabbath on the wrong day. Now, if you watch the first two movies, you will know that is entirely the plot of the first two movies, right? Is that Catholicism is the Antichrist

because they're trying to make everybody worship God on the wrong day and cancel out God's contract or whatever so they'll all go to hell. And that worshiping God on the wrong day is the mark of the beast. Yes. Now I know what you're thinking, uh-oh, Eli had a stroke halfway through that sentence. I did not. I did not. I will spare you the 19 and a half sentences we got on it in Leap 1 and 2, but all you have to know is that the number... that thing?

That's going to church on Sundays according to Chris Temple. Yes. Which is why you should eat your vegetables. Like, it's so fun to watch this movie and then you remember that Chris is in full psychosis the entire time he's making it. It's okay. So, but she explains that she celebrates the Sabbath on Saturday like God intended. She quit her job, her old job over it because they wouldn't give her Saturdays off. That's why she works at the coffee shop. As she's explaining this, she's sitting on this incredibly squeaky chair, which is amazing.

I wrote in my notes at this point, I'm with you, Elle Director, lighting is for sissies. And then, like, so they're Christian, right? So the relationship, they're supposed to be entirely platonic at this point in their relationship. Blake wants it a little bit more. Yeah, but right now, yeah. But it plays like she wants to fuck and he just can't take the hint, right? Because she invites him over for the movie

and she's like, so, you know, if you're kind of into that. And he's like, well, I guess I should go. And she's like, oh, OK, do you want to before you go? And she goes, no, you showed me Leap 2. I'm going to head out. I don't think I'll be erect ever again, actually. I think they should give this to sex predators to keep civilizations safe. Alan Turing, come in and watch Leap 2.

Hey, don't be mad at me being mad at 1940s Britain, okay? You know what you did at 1940s Britain, okay? You know what you did in 1940s Britain. It's okay. So then, I'm going to cut to the next scene a little bit too late. So then we get a quick scene where Blake goes to a thrift store to buy himself a Bible. And there's this great moment where the guy's like, do you have any Bibles? She's like, yes, right next to us.

Just the one. And then he goes, Blake looks through it and he goes, do you have anything more modern? And I'm like, yes, right next to us. Just the one. And then he goes, Blake looks through it, and he goes, do you have anything more modern? And I'm like, yes, every other book. What the fuck are you talking about? More modern. I'm looking for a Bible that's a little more skibbity Ohio, if you know what I mean.

I guess, yeah. I guess. Well, you have to listen to the Bible on the original vinyl. It's not so much warmer sound. But yeah, so he says, I'll give you the Bible for free, but you need to promise to read it all the original vinyl. It's not so much warmer sound. But yeah, so he says, I'll give you the Bible for free, but you need to promise to read it all the way through. And I'm like, that's a much higher price than the nine bucks Books of Million would charge you. My God. I would be like, no, I would like to pay, please. I've read Thessalonians. I would like to pay

you $8.99. So he walks out of the thrift shop with his Bible in hand, and damn it if Liz isn't getting off of work right that minute. And he's like, oh, Liz, what are you doing here? I'm like, you know where she fucking works, man. You're stalking her. She's like, I work in the building. I walked out of it.

Yes, right. You know what time I get off. So she's like, oh, I see you've got a Bible. And he's like, yeah, I'm trying to get in your pants. And she's like, what? He's like, I wonder what book I should start with. She says, oh, start with the book of Matthew. Don't start at the beginning. And look, I'm sorry, look, you know,

I'm a fan of the Discworld books. I always tell people don't start at the beginning, right? So that's logical, except for I don't think Terry Pratchett is God, right? I am not trying to tell you people that he is divine and perfect, right? So they're like, start with Matthew and then stop. That's enough.

You read that and a little bit of Revelation and then John 3.16 and you're done. So it's like sequestering witnesses. They have to take the four gospels and be like, get them in different rooms. Don't let them see each other. Luke's like that nice friend who downplays it how mad you are to someone. We're not listening to him this week, okay? So okay, so then we get a little taste of how good Chris Temple has gotten at After Effects, right? Because now it's time for the earthquake.

And mostly the earthquake is created by Chris Temple shaking the camera around while the actors go... Hey, I know this is physically impossible, but I think those actors might never have fallen down before. They're like, uh oh, there's an earthquake. That's where the bottom of your body stays perfectly still, but the top of your body's a circle now. At one point Blake Buttnoggin does a Spider-Man pose and he's like, too cool, too awesome.

And of course, but as they're doing that, it's not just that, okay, there's some special effects too. Chris said to his mom as he explained that he needed to live in her basement for another 12 months. So they have this little like effects image of the ground collapsing below them so the road collapses below them and they're like wow that's a very realistic earthquake yeah wasn't her very realistic so then they go back to her place and she goes he goes she goes she won't have anything to drink he's like I'll take a water sushi and some a can of liquid death do you think when they dropped sponsorship with us because we talked about Jeffrey Epstein not killing

himself on one of their picked up an ad spot with Chris Temple out of spite. That was a hard phone call that we had with them where they were like, we didn't mean that. They're like, you remember when we told you guys to be edgy, we apologize for ever saying that. So they get back to our house and she goes, well, you know, the answer to our earthquake problem might be in here. She picks up the Bible. She opens it to Revelations and he goes, well, you know, the answer to our earthquake problem might be in here. She picks up the Bible.

She opens it to Revelations. And he goes, he's reading through and he goes, wow, earthquakes and wars. Earthquakes? How could they have known? He literally says that. He literally says, how could they have known? Yeah, that there would be earthquakes ever. Yeah, this is the first time there's an earthquake.

Countries have fought and there have been sick people. Yes, all at once! Yeah, and he goes, you know, she starts telling him about the tribulation and everything. He goes, wow, you know, in Catholic church they didn't tell me about that. And she's like, well, think about it. If leap two is true... I'm going to stop you right there. There's no way out. Nope. She says if leap two is true and the Catholics are the beast, then why would they teach you the rapture stuff? This is the part of the Bible they don't want you to know about.

Weird that they keep giving them to you then. They just printed like five billion copies. I didn't mean to do that necessarily. Yeah, so then he starts reading through the revelation and everything, what's supposed to happen. He says, I shit you not, this is a real line. He says, I keep seeing the word then. It makes for a pretty clear roadmap. Keeping...

Causality. Direction of time straight. Yes, yes. Itction of time straight. Yes, yes. But this is... It's good for me. But this is where they bring up a part of the Bible I was not familiar with, which is that Jesus calls a time out on Revelation on the Sabbath.

Yeah, he says you're not allowed to run from the rapture on the Sabbath. And I want to watch that rapture movie. Right? Right right just getting chased by a horse locust and the Sun dips below the horizon stop stop stop stop what timeout we I have to take a timeout everyone has to take a timeout I'm a scorpion look I didn't make the rules you're! You want some blood? That's kind of all we got. Do you have liquid death? He explains... Makes a lot more sense now the name than everything's blood. All right.

Well, it's starting to feel pretty damn tribulatory up in here, so I think we're going to take another break while the suspense is high. But we'll be back in a minute with even more of Leap, a tale of the last days. This is an ad by BetterHelp. Hey podcast listener, you know, here at Puzzle and the Thunderstorm, our workplace stress might be different, but we still have workplace stress. Eli just tweeted a challenge to a duel to a US Senator. He sure did.

But did you know that workplace stress is now one of the top causes of declining mental health with 61% of the global workforce experiencing higher than normal levels of stress? Most of us can't wave goodbye to work or take away Eli's Twitter, but we can start small with a focus on wellness. Ooh, he accepted. A holiday is great, but it isn't a long-term solution to stress. Don't forget that therapy can help you navigate whatever challenges the workday or any day might bring.

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That's BetterHELP.com slash awful. Okay, no mech soup. The senator said you can help. I can? Um, who's, who's the senator? It's Susan Collins. Yeah, I'm in. Okay.

Quick! We'll be safe in here! What is that thing? They're harbingers of the end time, horse-sized locusts with the head of women wearing crowns. Raaah! Oh no, it's broke through! Looks like this is it. Raaah!

Oh, it's the Sabbath. Sorry, the what? The Sabbath. Jesus said not to flee from the apocalypse on the Sabbath. So, you know, so time out. Oh, okay. Um, are, are you, are you doing a timeout? Lucas guy?

Oh, okay. Um, for how long? Oh, wow. The whole Sabbath. Yep. Right. Yeah. Hey, so how is it being a horse locust? Sure. Yeah. You really got Larry though. We like Larry.

No, I mean, you're doing your job. Work is mysterious and important. Severance? Severance. Have you not watched Severance? Oh, you have to. It's so good. Every second.

It's just, it's fantastic. Such a good show. No, I get it. I get it. Can I be honest though? I feel like people are wildly unfair to Lost. Yeah, look, I know it's not popular to say, but I think Lost told a very coherent story and while I understand not everybody got it, watch a fucking lore video. It was all there. Hey, did the shark get explained?

No, the shark. That's still stupid. Haven't seen it. Oh, no, I'll check it out. I'll check it out. And we're back. And we're back! Thank you. Thank you, Cleveland. And we're gonna rejoin the action here. So the last time of course that we saw our heroes that were surviving this mysterious earthquake, this rapture earthquake, so now we get Blake, he's getting home to his parents who have been worried sick, right, the whole time. Dad explains to him, and I quote,

there was a giant flash of light over St. Peter's Basilica and Jesus appeared. That's what caused the earthquake. It's the actual line in the fucking movie. And so, and honestly, the delivery that he did was even worse, it was fucking amazing. So, but Blake looks at the TV where they're saying like Jesus is returned and he goes that's not the real Jesus that guy looks like a surfer if you've seen leap

two you know that what he's thinking is obviously the Antichrist is controlling the Vatican and then they did a deep fake hologram with the space lasers in coordination with Jewish lizard aliens or something like that. That is, it is assumed that you will figure that out on your own. Yeah, the movie never tells you that, but yes, it's supposed to be a deep fake Jesus that the evil Catholics have like made up. And I think it's supposed to be the devil too, isn't it? It's supposed to be Satan disguised as Jesus. That was my... I feel like their plan wasn't clear. Like you ever make a plan with a friend and someone

misunderstands you're like, what do you mean you're at the bar already? We said we were mean... because what we are now believe is that Antichrist has been the Pope for 2,000 years. Yeah. And. And then his dad shows up as fake Jesus, and he's like, what did you do? We had a whole plan. I have all these, I've been fucking a bunch of kids. Oh Jesus Christ. What, they're not?

If there's any room that should agree, they are. You know what? This is why I gave it up to Jay Dog in the break. So then, and he goes, he goes, oh, so Jesus wouldn't be white, he would be an Arab. Okay. Right, right, yeah. I mean, lost a lot of their audience there.

Right. But they're watching the, they're watching like Fox News. The coverage on Fox fucking News would be way different. In fairness, if it was an Arab looking Jesus who hovered above the Vatican, Fox would be showing us like a patriot missile exploding. And like pieces of a guy. He goes, mom, when he says that, he goes, mom goes, no, that's actually a good point. That's not what Jesus would look like at all.

And he goes, that's the work of Satan. And he storms out. So that night, Mom prays some more. She prays that Blake will be Catholic more. And then we cut to Blake praying that Mom will be Catholic less. Counter spell. Yeah, counterspell. She has to roll a saving throw that's equivalent to the level of his prayer. What you got to do?

He goes, he's doing his prayer. He goes, like, father, I've only been Christian for like eight seconds, but I'm already convinced that I know more than everybody else. And I'm like, well, then you're doing it right. You're fucking nailing it. But yeah, and then we see him like taking notes on his Bible and he's making like charts and shit. Hey, here's the thing. These charts are amazing.

If you were actually studying the Bible, there are so many super duper smart people who have studied the Bible. The idea that you and your composition notebook are going to crack the code is buckwild to me. That's like if I pulled down Shakespeare's first folio and I was like, all right, let's see what this motherfucker's really about. All right. To be or not to be, stupid question. Nailed it. Obviously to be gone. I don't know what Dan McClellan's talking about.

I just do this on my own. But he's got like the time, like the seventh day Adventist timeline that they have like the 2300 years. They decided that in the Bible, if they're doing a prophecy, day equals year so that the math sort of lines up better for their shit. Right? And he's got like a timeline and a thing. To be clear, the Seventh-day Adventists thought the world would end in 1843. They were fucking psyched. They had a party. They had it all ready, and then it didn't. And they were like, time out. we're doing math, we're checking the math. They went in the back,

checked math, they were like, it's 1844, we're good. Set up another party, world doesn't end. Everybody, they got so sad, they call this the Great Disappointment. And then they started a religion based on it. And they just gave up. Yeah. Yeah. Ever since then they're like, it's pregame, I don't know, just fucking... We have parkour with the guy with the movie.

Yeah. So now it's early the next morning, he's chatting with his folks again. Now I want to point out that in this scene we can see into the backyard and there's a trampoline there. And I know that that is Christopher Christopher temples fucking trampoline. Oh It is I saw it in one of the videos

Which means there's been a very real moment in Chris's life where he's been bouncing with our podcast in his headphones Tears streaming down his face like everything going up to right in moving rivulets. I'll show them I'm gonna learn After Effects. I'm gonna pay for 26 credits on Suno the song AI. I'm gonna tell them that I got over a million views. Even though 950,000 of them were from their podcast. Then I'm gonna move out of my mom's basement and she's going to ask to live with me.

I'm going to throw up. I wanted to interrupt with somebody, but he has nobody. I was going to call from the... There's nobody there. What's that? Was someone stopping me from bouncing and crying? Okay, anyways, that's when the sun will turn red, you understand? How often do you think Chris Temple is talking to himself the way you... Right, you're walking

and you're like, I gotta get the laundry done, but Chris Temple's walking and he's like, and then the blood will turn red and the sun and the moon will crash together and the giant locust will of course appear out of it and that's when they'll start the rape scorpions and someone's just like yeah I'm calling the cops on this guy at the laundry mat I don't know. So he's talking that we also we have to point out this amazing prop too so while he's talking to his parents there's a newspaper that says Messiah Returns as the headline., that wasn't the only thing above the fold though. Yep, yep. There was, there's another headline besides

Messiah returns on the front page above the fold. Well you also have to get the local news. Yeah, local news. I wrote it down. It says, city council, they're so proud of this, city council to run downtown banner policy up the flagpole. Okay, but so Heath, here's what happened, is that that was the actual fucking headline in the newspaper that they just slapped their bullshit, like taped goddamn Messiah returns thing over. That's what's so amazing about it.

Or they put so much effort into that second one. Not a chance. Chris Temple in his whole life has not had that much creativity. So he's arguing with his dad, his dad's like, no, Jesus returned. He goes, like, hey, if that's the Messiah, then why aren't we in heaven? And mom's like, oh, that's a pretty good point.

And dad's like, probably because you haven't cleaned your fucking room like I told you to. Yeah, maybe Jesus doesn't like your tone. Yeah. That's probably why. To be clear, dad's theory now and for the rest of the movie will be that God is pouting because his son in particular is the wrong religion. Well, he's doing the weekend wrong. Right. Yeah. I was like, Dad, I got some terrible news about Saudi Arabia for you. If you think Saturday's taking Jesus off. Yeah. So yeah, so Blake storms off again, no toodles this time. He's pissed this time.

So mom goes like, why were you so hard on him? And we were all like, was he hard on him? I guess he's not very good at acting. So we couldn't tell. So then we're gonna meet, I honestly think the star of this fucking movie is the News on Whippets lady. Yes! Yeah, you can tell who fucking watched the movie, right? Woo!

You forget that the number one fear among most people is speaking in public until you see an actor like this. Hey Chris, what's'm just... Excuse me. I threw up backstage, but there's still some in there. Keep doing it, I'll fucking kill you. She's doing a gentle rock. The gentle rock, the soothing, the thing. It's just like when I was in the womb.

They can't see me and I can't see them. And now, why did they put her in Chris's sports jacket? I don't know. She's in this 19 XL sports, just drowning in it. And she already looks like a meth head to begin with. Yeah. They wouldn't give her fucking meth back until she recorded this or whatever. Just in a pant.

Like this woman was like like a POW in a newsroom at Verdun or something, it's not going well. And they're like forcing her. She raises her hand up, her fingers are crossed around the microphone. She tells us that Congress is debating the blue bills. And, but those, she says, and I quote, the bill is making its way to the president's desk and is expected to pass later this afternoon. The halves of that sentence are in a fight. Makes sense from the time dimension.

And then she goes, the bulk of the bill is still unknown. But the key to it, the known parts are that nobody will be able to work on Sundays anymore. Nobody. The rest is a anymore. Nobody. The rest is a secret. Yes. It's like the Big Beautiful bill. Yeah, right.

No, that's true. That's true. This part was a lot more funny before the Big Beautiful bill wasn't around. Honestly, if you had read that the Big Beautiful bill had no one's allowed to work on Sundays, you'd be like, that's like the fourth worst part of the bill. That's the best part of the bill. No, actually, yeah. So yeah, so Liz and Blake, of course, are watching this from home, you know, telling everybody, telling them like the UN or whatever

is deciding when the Sabbath is. And she's like, well, there's gotta be something that we can do. And he points out the problem with every fucking Rapture movie. He's like, well, it's divine prophecy. No, no, the devil wins. I mean

This is how I fucking go so there was a moment where you thought they were gonna quit the movie right where he was like It's prophecy and she was like oh, yeah What the fuck are we doing you want some smart pop? Then we get this great bit of the next morning Blake's going coming out of the house, Mom's like, hey, there's a letter for you, and he goes, oh, what does it say? And I'm like, how the fuck would she know? But no, she's already opened it and read it. College is over. Yes, yes.

College is over, it's 24 hours, less than 24 hours ago, Jesus appeared allegedly above the Vatican within that time this university was like we're not doing universities anymore why would we bother knowing and we'll need to send out overnight mail to everybody yes right to tell them there's no more university she goes and except for Oberlin Oberlin's still going yeah listen to those BFAs clapping their hands. It's beautiful. I bet you all make a delicious latte, don't you? Take a little sprinkle of cinnamon. Oats the best

milk for steaming. So she says, and I quote, with everything going on, some of the kids didn't want to come back so they shut down the school. Yeah, that's probably how it would work. She says, but don't worry your dad says you can stay here as long as you get a job. And I'm like, well I feel like the college is gonna be refunding a fuck ton of money. He's probably gonna be good on that for at least a little while. Imagine, I wrote a joke and then I realized I was living it, which is imagine getting a job during the end times But we are and we do right? Yes. Yeah, so we're doing right now horse locus go by outside of your subway

Okay. Well, I can't give you double meat unless you pay for double meat Now this sweet teriyaki sauce is not turned to blood yet Are you gonna complain because it's gonna when I squirt it out of the bottle. It's gonna turn to sweet teriyaki sauce has not turned to blood yet. Are you gonna complain? Because it's gonna, when I squirt it out of the bottle, it's gonna turn to sweet teriyaki blood sauce. It's a bottle-based effect, apparently. There's a great moment here, too, because she explains all that to him, and then he goes like, oh, wow.

And she goes, what's with you, Blake? Are you even good with God? Why are you so bad at acting? Okay so now he goes to the gas station to get a job. There's great like what boomers think getting a job is like right? Anyone under the age of 40 here trying to enter the job market really feel this scene with every description your dad's made. Look, kiddo, what you got to do is you just go down to a business and start stacking crates and you work there now.

If you work extra hard, you can have a free house. That's what they give you. Your Christmas bonus is a nine bedroom house your mother and I moved into when we were 17. Yeah, right. He goes, he goes, well, I was looking for a job and the guy goes, well here's a room, you're hired. And he goes, don't we have to do paperwork? He goes, ah. Why get the Jews involved? So now it's time for more parkour, god damn it. So now Blake and Liz, they go to their old high school track, and I guess that's where

they put this new parkour course. So she's like, wow, this is incredible. And then she goes, catch me if you can. And she goes to run off. But she gets up on this little like this beam that she can't, she's just like, she goes, it's literally this is catch me if you can. And of course he immediately fucking catches. Yeah.

And let me say something. Look, we've grown on this show. So we don't make fun of the things we used to. But Blake can catch Liz. Liz can get a pretty good head start. You know how Heath can catch me? Blake can catch Liz. And there was very clearly a moment, you can see it in Liz's eyes,

there was a moment where he was like, all right, El Director, please don't call me Chris, you're going to do like a fun running playful thing. And she was like, come on, Chris. My mom goes to your church and she said, after the attempt I had to do this, but don't. Oh no. Oh no.

You didn't tell me I was gonna have to do high knees, Chris. So there's a great moment too, because there's one of the elements on this parkour course. It's just like a ladder. Stole my fucking water. You weren't drinking it. They could see us. You weren't drinking it.

You haven't even opened the fucking thing. You haven't died of pepper. So, hey, everybody, if you ever need to sum up our work dynamic in an emergency, you just did it. Give me your water, no that's mine, Scotch is fine. So just need one more art bag, neat, whatever. So, one of the elements on this course is like a ladder thing that you can go up and then like, you know, do a thing over the top of it or whatever. But Liz. Well, you can.

Well, right, right. Liz cannot. So what they've done now is that they've filmed her going up one side, and then it cuts, and they film her coming down the other side. Which means she. In a different outfit. Yeah, right, right.

She's got her hairs different, shorter. So she pulled like the kid from Jurassic Park, right? She got up to the top and then she's just, I can't fucking do it. And so they'd use that shot. There's a great moment where she's gotta like, you know, cause it's supposed to be like, he's showing her how to do parkour.

So at one point he has to do something that's really difficult that she can't do, but he can't do anything that's difficult that she can't do. Right, so she has to be all infomercial about, oh, one foot and then the other, fuck. And this is, of course, all accompanied by Chris Temple's AI music.

Yes. And hey, kids, I know it's scary out there. I know we're all afraid to lose our jobs to AI. And if you'd like to be a little less afraid, go ahead and listen to some of this music. Oh my God, we are enjoying a summer time, summertime friendship, friendship, summer time. It's like what a white South Africans are really having a hard time. What

you only get that lyric if you use Grock. Mecha Hitler. Are we cutting that? No. So we watched them parkour for a bit. I wrote in my notes at this point, the only way to exaggerate how unimpressive this parkour was would be to tell you that they stood still the whole time. That's how good it is. And then we, so, sorry, we get this, wait, where are we? Oh yeah, okay. Oh hi, I get it.

Right, right, why? Should be good for stealing my water. Eventually this... That's the one I put the GHB in before we started. Why the fuck do you think I stole it? I like a little lean with my public performance in front of 300 people. So yeah, so but he tells her about how the school shut down, she has a bizarre lack of follow-up questions,

and then he asks her out on a date. And then we cut to four, the title card says, four months remaining. We're like, of what? And it's like, fuck you. And this is, I guess we go back to the, this week in math news updates. She's blinking out her location in Morse code at this point.

It felt, it was like a Maria Bamford, but like an accidental Maria Bamford. It was almost an amazing performance at that level. No, I don't think she's having a good time. But she's explaining that the new law in the United States where everybody is off on Sundays is working out really well. No emergencies on those days luckily. And so now the UN is going to adopt it worldwide. I'm sure it'll go great in Saudi Arabia. And China. And almost everywhere else.

It also makes you wonder, like, what is fake Jesus doing for these three months, right? Is he just catching up on old movies? He's playing Death Stranding 2. Okay, yep, yep. He's like, you know, this is a lot more fun than the first game. It's really much more gamey. So, but yeah, but the news lady explains that fake Jesus says that the earthquakes will continue until morale improves, right?

He's like, until everybody is worshipping on Sunday, like we said, there will still be earthquakes and diseases and shit. Okay. Can I grind us to a halt for a second with a terrible question? Mm-hmm. Thank you. His voice said, mm, but his eyes said no. Hey, Eli, whenever I look at you, my eyes are saying no. That's true. That's true. You did say that in my Christmas card this year, I remember. Is... Give the GHB a second.

Okay. Let the cat kick in and see if he's more open. So are we to believe that God is doing the earthquakes and Satan is lying about them, or Satan is doing the earthquakes and... Okay. Yeah, so what's supposed to have happened here is that at the beginning of the tribulation, God withdrew himself from the earth, right? So God's no longer, like, there, and so Satan can get away with whatever the fuck he wants now.

So Satan's supposed to be making the earthquakes. I didn't make this shit up. Were you guys even paying attention during Leaps 1 and 2? Jesus fucking Christ. I didn't have to pay attention. I was funny back then. Wait, God just withdrew himself while the horribleness is happening? Why the horribleness?

He quit the podcast. He's just like a non-voter in the general exam. Fuck off! He's just like a non-voter in the general exam. Fuck off! He's sending a message with his theology. So we cut to Blake getting fired from the gas station for having the wrong Sabbath. Which again, just yet another movie where the hypothetical at the heart of the movie is like, man, if we were persecuted, we would sure be persecuted, right? And we've seen a lot of persecution narratives, but not for a cult this crazy.

So it's really funny for him to be like, yeah, turn in your badge and gun. You think that the Goosemonger only comes out of the moons at midnight. Yeah, so I want to point out that when he gets fired, he's holding a milk crate or whatever, and he gives the milk crate like angrily to his boss and every one of us wrote He turns in his badge in his milk crate if some variation of that. I'm too old for this

Here take my dad's fishing gun, but yeah, I Won't need this anymore. But this is a persecution fantasy narrative. Yeah like first they came for the Adventists. And then a guy had to trade shifts at a gas station. What the fuck? None of this matters. The post office was really hard to run that weekend. He ended up with a close open on Tuesday, Wednesday.

It was really hard to wake up on the Wednesday part. So then, so Blake goes home and he's got to tell his mom that he's fired for being too right and I'm like wow that's L director bringing his life into his script in it. Chipotle! Just cuz I gave out some literature and a movie flyer or two in exchange for double meat. Download Leap 2 and I'll just keep spooning these beans on. That's what I'm saying. You can have black and pinto. Let me just see you click the link on YouTube.

I'm fired. Maybe a thumbs up, maybe a thumbs up. I'll give you more. So yeah, so him and his parents fight again about which is the correct Sabbath. This is also where he says, and I quote, he's explaining how they're wrong about what the Bible means. He's like, the Sabbath day is supposed to be Saturday. I have a printout from the internet that proves it. How many times do you think Chris...

Like map quest directions to salvation. Yeah. How many times has Chris yelled that exact sentence while in handcuffs? It's more than 10 and he doesn't get to go to Panera anymore. Just holding the paper in the handcuffs. Just reach into my back pocket officer, you'll learn something very important. Not that side. Don't look at what I drew on that side. That's my gum. He also says, he says I printed citations, was the actual...

So he printed a bibliography. You gotta click the link on So he printed a bibliography. Yes, already. You got to click the link on the paper I brought with me. Oh, I was like, do you have a fax machine? To your web browser. You got to believe me. So okay, and then we get this little tiny scene and it's just, it's, it's, you're going to think it doesn't matter. I'm going to bring it back in the end and it's going to be the

most glorious thing ever. We watch mom pray again in the dark and she's like, God I don't know what to do because I know that Blake is right and that Saturday is the correct Sabbath but I'm also a woman and I'm not allowed to think so I have to do what my husband says. I really don't know what to do because your commandments are in conflict. An American Kenpo is a really good, important... So keep that in mind, right? Keep that in mind. We see her praying and going like, yep, yep, the Saturday Sabbath.

I just don't know what to do with that information. Big pin in that. Yeah, pin in that. It's going to stay there for a while, but don't worry. When it comes out, the whole goddamn dam opens up, right? So then the title card is informed just now that it's only three months remaining to whatever. To mentally watching through this movie.

Fucking exhausting. Oh my God. So we got Blake and Liz, they're going for a walk. It felt like years were days or whatever. Yeah, right. yeah, exactly. They promised this movie was gonna end in 1840. That's a great disappointment, yeah. So they're walking together by the water, the waves are lapping so fucking loud,

and this is where he proposes to Liz, he asks her if she'll marry him, she says yes, and he lifts her up to spin her around and the actress is like, dress short dress Jesus stop it they celebrate their engagement with a side hug it's a ultimately young hey buddy can't wait to marry you young okay don't touch don't we're both not gay anymore. All right. So. All better. I just love volleyball. So he goes to give her a kiss for the engagement and his phone rings and she says, shouldn't you get that? So he answers his phone.

Mid engagement. He takes the call. He does. They're on the dock still like spinning. It's fine. Yep. His phone rings. He answers. He's on the dock still, like, spinning. It's fine. Yep. His phone rings. He answers.

He's like, oh, it's my dad. And he's like, oh, my mom's been in an accident. We should run to go see her. And he's like, you just going to do any parkour on the way? This was such a great opportunity. You find out that, like, oh, somebody's in the hospital. We're on a dock. That's a tunnel.

You could have weird obstacles. Sure. You have to hit it. Liz would dive off the side and just swim. These children were setting up barrels behind us for some reason. Yeah, right. So, okay, so they run to the hospital that they definitely didn't have permission to shoot in. Right? Because we got this camera angle. Yeah. So, the doctor comes out and tells them mom didn't make it. But the best part is they show this segment in slow motion. Which means, like, ah! Which means in regular motion this is what happened. Hey, your mom's dead. Like they just got caught on the kiss cam. yeah. Yeah. So they, thank you.

So, but the other thing I want to point out about this scene is that Roman Butcrack, when he does it, like his immediate thing is he buries his head right into Liz's boobs. He goes, oh no! You see Liz mouthing like, Chris, he's doing it again You see Liz mouthing like Chris, he's doing it again, but in slow motion. Bacon avocado. He's doing it again.

The tick talkers got that one. What's up youths? Pretty skibbity Ohio on this side of the dais. So now, okay, we're going to cut now to mom's funeral. And there's this moment, there's this moment at the funeral scene where you have to ask yourself, like, did Chris Temple just wait for somebody to die, and they ran in real quick while they were still like in between using the casket?

Hey, hey, hey, I'm so sorry for your loss. Can I put this extremely fucking picture of my two actors in each other's arms on top of your grandma's coffin? Why did they pick such a fucking picture? It's truly they are at a Coldplay concert level picture. Yes. Yes. Oh my God.

You walk into your house and like, oh, you're in an open marriage. I see from the photo that you're... Yeah. And also they've got like seven people that they've managed. They managed to get seven actors for the funeral scene. Most of them are not in black. And so, they're like, I'll stand behind the fucking thing.

I ain't going to change my jacket though. So, and then, so we get that. And then we get Blake sitting sadly on the ground after the funeral Liz comes over to try to comfort him and she goes well, you know, sorry before she can comfort him But she says like, you know, well, you know, I think she's you know, looking down on us like nah She celebrated the Sabbath on the wrong day. I think she's looking up at us if anything But then a lake of fire. That's just that's

like Cleveland. Oh no! It was a river! And it only happened a couple of times. We were busy being Rock City and not changing our baseball mascot. How many of all feel great about baseball? They just, oh, the generals or whatever we are. Should have been the fucking spiders. Right?

I've been so much fucking cooler. I think you should have picked a different slur. Just to keep the rest of the country on their toes. The Cleveland Irish. What? Come on! We'll get around to it in a hundred years. Is Irish a slur? So here's the thing.

I'm so glad you asked. Hey Heath, Heath, don't encourage him to use real slurs, man. Yes. First of all, we discussed that before the show. Don't encourage me to use real slurs. Two, I was doing the math in front of my face lady to be like, what's the funniest slur? What's the funniest slur? What's the funniest slur?

Find something white. Find something whiteur find something white find something white I couldn't remember so I was like Irish people cuz sinners said they were still okay we got three more years cuz the sinners they were like get them and I was like all right sinners so you don't want people to make fun of Irish people you take that up with Michael B. Jordan. There you go. So, okay. So, he's all sad about mom, and then dad comes in all drunk,

and he's like, it's your fault that she died, and he's like, in what fucking way? How do you even get there? Dad has a brown bag of liquor at the funeral, but he wasn't drunk during the funeral, which meant he was like, all right, going to my wife's funeral. Let's see. Fucky picture that we took during the boudoir shoot. Check. Brown bag of liquor for a little celebration afterwards. Check. Gun that I won't be shooting later. Check. Got to have my funeral gun. It's black.

It's not the silver one. It's nice and appropriate. He's got a magnum of wine in that brown bag too. Yes. Like that's when they think Christian movies, they're trying to figure it out and they're like, what do drinky people, what are the Irish drink girls? Magnums of yellowtail Shiraz, right? Yes, yes, obviously, obviously. Magnums of yellowtail Shiraz. Your biggest bottle of alcohol, please.

Liquor store next to the grocery store I go to most often. Nothing over $8. One alcohol, thank you. So okay, so dad storms up, he goes, don't come back to the house anymore. It's your fault mom died. And then he tries to dramatically, angrily speed away in his truck that cannot go more than five miles an hour. And doesn't get traction right away, yeah.

So he's just like, slam the door. So he's like, you can't stay here anymore. Give me a second. I'm going to drink more yellowtail. Hold on. So slowly. So Liz is like, you can stay at my place. And he goes, yeah, I guess we are engaged.

She says, on the couch. And he goes, oh, I guess on the couch would be the best idea. They get to her house, and he goes, you know what's the worst part of my mom's death? And I'm like, I bet you get this answer wrong. And he goes, she never even knew we were engaged. I'm like, you arrogant fuck. That's the worst thing about your mom dying

that now you've just got all this good news that you can't share with her? I just wish I could have been there right before that truck ran over her skull to tell her that we were gonna go past third base next week. I know it's what she would have wanted and then in second place is not getting her head squooshed by that truck but it's like a far second. He goes, I really, I sure hope God doesn't burn her in hell for eternity over his scheduling fuck up. And she goes, pin in that.

But that ends with like, all right bud, enjoy the couch, tap, tap. And she just walks away. Couch does not pull out. No, sorry. That's banned in the Bible. Enjoy. All right. Well, characters are dying and shit, which must mean we're reaching the finale, so it's time for me to give Act 3 the hard sell.

Will God burn Mom in Hell for eternity for getting his very special day wrong? Would that be the most fucked up possible way to end the movie? Does it get even more fucked up when you realize that she's an analog for Christopher Temple's mother? Yes, yes, and fuck yes. So stick around for the entirely parkour-less conclusion of Leap, A Tale of the Last Days. Hiding are we? That's not very ICE. Dude, stop.

Guys, guys, what are you doing? Eli's Mr. Freeze for some reason. Ah! Okay, Eli, Eli, why are you Mr. Freeze right now? Because I'm chilling with Mint Mobile. What? What's with mobile? Gotta admire the commitment.

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Limited time new customer offer for the first three months only. Speeds may slow above 35 gigabytes on an unlimited plan. Taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got my eyes on Heath. You already did an ice one. He's done nothing but ice ones. Ah! Wasn't even a good one.

Lululu doing fake Jesus stuff. Fake Jesus stuff is my favorite stuff. Lucifer. Lucifer, it is I, God. Oh, hey God. How's it going? You returned to man disguised as my son to blaspheme against my holy name. Sure have. And man, did they buy it. It took like three magic tricks. I'm not kidding, like three. Did you do the one where the rings link? Do you mean the linking rings?

Yeah, no, that. Yeah, that one. No, I didn't do that one. OK, whatever. You know, it doesn't matter. They shall not fall for your tricks. Oh, they fell for him, especially when you gave them all boils. Wait, what? Why? Well, because I told him I was mad at the Sabbath keepers, and that's why I gave them all boils? Wait, what? Why? Well, cause I told him I was mad at the Sabbath keepers and that's why I gave them boils. Okay. But why would I give the people doing the right thing? Boils? I mean, why would you turn everybody's water to blood? Well,

cause I'm mad at them. You see, you see what I'm going for here? No, no, you don't. It doesn't matter. Hey, did you need anything? Did you need something? Oh yes, I want you to know I'm taking the Holy Spirit with me and abandoning you alone on the earth. Got it. So just to clarify, because you're mad at me

for corrupting humanity, you're gonna leave them and their loyal followers alone with me on earth to torture them. Well, yeah, just for a couple of months. Right. Got it. Sure. Should I not do that? No. Are you kidding? That's going to show me.

Wait, I really are you just saying that? Oh, yeah. Yeah. OK. All right. Good. Show you. Okay, all right. Good. Show you. And we're back! Thank you. Thank you. Now, I will tell you right up front here, 90% of the good shit in this movie is yet to come. All right? All this movie was back loaded, all the good shits

coming up, starting with, for a very first scene where dad wakes up covered in devil boils. And these are some Halloween adventure delas Oh, yeah Yeah, he wakes up covered in ketchup and then We cut over to Blake waking up. He turns on the TV and it's it's the meth lady again She's also covered in devil boils But that was her greatest fear with her face bleeding. Yeah, yeah. And it's even worse.

So she's like, yes, starting this morning, most people have woken up with painful skin ulcers. Mostly people who celebrate the Sabbath on the Sunday, as it turns out. Fuck. And then you have to stop it for a second and back away from the movie long enough to think, this is Christopher Temple's power fantasy, right?

That one of these days, you guys are gonna all wake up with fucking lesions on your face for not telling me I was right enough. Those podcasters are gonna be all covered with boils. It's. I liked the previous name of the Cleveland baseball team. So. She goes. History not hate. I liked the previous name of the Cleveland baseball team. She goes, history not hate.

So Liz comes out and he goes, hey, Liz, do you have devil boils all over your body? And she says, she says, no, she says, I have a few bruises from our training. But otherwise I'm fine. He goes, hey, where's your Bible? And she says, immediately in front of us, like always. I feel like lots of regular Christian people take Saturday off too though. Right? So they wouldn't have, like most people wouldn't have boils at this point. Everyone is coming in boils except for public school teachers.

And bankers. And the right direction of Christian. All the public school teachers hated that joke. They were like, I actually do a lot of work on Saturdays. That's what. Right. Yeah. Dear God, awful movies. It's funny how invisible labor has missed it once again. So you didn't work through that plague.

You didn't know you know that was your fault. Teachers, I don't know where I landed. I ended up landed on teachers. I hope it was their fault. I think so. I think so. So, okay. So she reads from Revelation and damn it. If it doesn't talk. My mom is so mad at me. She reads from Revelations and damn it. If it doesn't talk about sores, right? And she goes, he goes, well, what happens after the sores? And she goes, uh, blood water, sun scorches the earth.

And she says, well, apparently the problem is, is that people won't repent. She goes, and I just don't understand why they wouldn't repent. And he goes, maybe they can't repent because God has withdrawn his love from the earth. God has quit the podcast. Yeah, exactly.

I thought maybe he's trapped in a coma off of a Jersey boardwalk or something like that. Maybe that happened. I hear that happens to him from time to time. And Blake is like, well, you know, things are going to get really bad when the scorpion horse locust show up any minute now. Maybe we should go up. My family has a cabin out in the woods that we could film, I mean mean that we could stay up and her first reaction is whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa we're not married yes I'm not gonna live with you until we're married I know that old move the old why don't we go to my parents cabin to avoid the horse locust women bodies. I'm not that kind of girl.

Well, and then he goes like, well, according to the Bible, we can just, we don't need witnesses or the state. We can just say that we're married and we're married and it totally counts. And I'm like, wow, El director has given that speech before. Sounds like Heath trying to get out of last month. It's just a construct, I'm just saying. Now we have twice as many spaces for activities. That's double. That's just bad. Couldn't they just do like rock, paper, scissors for the couch at the cabin though?

Really, honestly, no. People would talk. You know who had to pull out couch? JD Vance. Yeah. No, he didn't. He finished. So, okay. So then they drive out to the mountains, which means that yes, we are now taking our parkour movie, our urban running movie, to the fucking woods, where we will stay for the remainder of the film.

So they have their witnessless marriage, during which, okay, we all wrote this part of the vows down, every one of us has this sentence in our notes. Part of her vows to him are, quote, you have the heart of a warrior. And I don't like to ask our audience questions during the live show, but I can't help but notice you didn't say that Heath has the heart of a warrior in your vows. And I want to know if that was because you were embarrassed

to tell your family or because you don't think Heath has the heart of a warrior. Or is it because of my LDL count? That's fair. That would also be fair. But she tells him he has the heart of a warrior. They kiss. Boy, did the actor want to do that more than the actress.

I mean, they both didn't. She's like backing away as he's doing. Sorry. Women's rugby final, women's rugby final, women's rugby final, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. You promised you would wear perfume today, bonk. You promised. I gave you exactly the one for the magazine

to rub on your face, I don't know, it's not a big ask. God, I love volleyball. Caitlin Clark. When they were marrying themselves though, I wanted, so they're trying, it's a technicality, right? They can't like go into the cabin. Yeah, until they, yeah. Until they're married, so then they would be allowed

to be in the same building together. I guess, yeah. Whatever. Mike Pence dives through the window in between them. Not on my watch. Kim Davis walks in not so fast. Yeah, right. Right. I'm buying over there. I'm buying over there. I'm buying over there. I'm buying over there. I'm buying over there.

I'm buying over there. I'm buying over there. I'm buying over there. I'm buying over there. I'm, Kim Davis. I didn't notice the boy else. I know Kim. So he picks her up. We see that from the drone shot from above. He picks her up, carries her over the threshold, and then the title card comes up and says the final week. And you never know more that the title cards are a fucking afterthought than you do in this moment, right? Because it says the final week and you never know more that the title cards are a fucking afterthought than you do in this moment right because it says the final week which means that like two and a half months now have passed that they've been in this cabin but all the dialogue is very clearly the first day that

they're in the cabin dialogue right where he's going like well I believe there's some fruit trees around here somewhere we'll have to look for him I'm like what you guys just fucking for two and a half weeks that's what they were doing months I guess that makes sense. They're like, raw dog in their 30s. Yeah. Couldn't get enough of each other this couple. Yes.

Yummers. Sex. They're like, you know, we're doing fine off the grid. And I'm like, what? You have electricity and running water. That's the fucking grid, man. Fucking glamping in the apocalypse. Let's hang out in the ice castle of the apocalypse.

Boom! You don't mean it. She's going, well, these are the last of the eggs. Getting really fucking expensive now, I guess. And so they sit down to their plate of eggs. He says, grace. And then she says this actual fucking glorious line. She says, are you worried about marauders?

I laughed so hard. When they used the word marauder. Honey, I've been meaning to talk to you about jaypory. Yes. I'm worried there may be a Snicklefritz and I don't know how to hold it back any longer. Why would there be maraud? It's just been like, people got like a couple boils and put Neosporin on it and then they were fucking fine. Yeah. Just like, hey, it's getting a little itchy. Do you guys want to maraud?

When is time? When do you start marauding during an apocalypse? Feels like a weird... I would maraud too soon. I know I would maraud. You're going way too far. I'm already marauding. That's how I know I'm going to do it too soon. You do maraud an awful lot. I just put on a ski mask and start smashing my neighbor's

windows if the power goes out. God damn it, Eli. Stop marauding. Give me your influence! The marauders would need to go upstate too. So it would be like, yeah, all right, let's maraud and you're screaming already, you've got the ski mask and they have to stop and be like, we've got to drive. It's like vacation, right? Like when you're poor, your parents are like, you want to go on vacation? We're going to drive for five hours.

Yeah. So yeah. So, but he's like, yeah, I sure am worried about my dad. And she's like, man, you should probably get over it. He's like, yeah, I should. So they go to do the dishes. They turn on the tap and blood comes out. Yeah. Yeah. Chris was so proud. Oh, no, the one he was really proud of was the next scene where the sprinklers kick in and there's blood coming out of the sprinklers. But I want to talk about the blood in the frosted because the blood comes out of the faucet, but because he's a good Christian, when he goes to drink it, it turns back into water.

Yes. But my problem is he goes to drink it. It's blood. He fills up a glass of blood, and we watch him be like, sure hope this turns into water, because I'm a Christian. Which means there's like three takes of this movie where he's like, oh, nope, stained blood. Stained blood. Oh, it tastes like pennies. It is such a weird instinct. He goes, he takes it, he

goes, that's pretty fucking good actually, isn't it? So he's just saying, and let me say this, let me say something brave, let me hit you with a hot tank. If blood turned into water, I still wouldn't drink it. I'd be like, no. Yes. I know this was blood until very recently. I like that when it switched to blood from the tap, the water begins to have a pulse. Yes. All blood has to have a pulse.

So here's why the blood had a pulse, which makes me so happy. He's using the blood squirt after effects effect. And it only comes in pulses. But turned sideways. Oh my god, you're right. So it's meant for the character to get stabbed and then it goes blip blip. Oh my god, that's right. And Chris is like, take this god awful movies.

Rotate, rotate, rotate, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt. Perfect Chris, you nailed it on your first try. Ah! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, Jesus! That's so sad!

That's definitely what happened. Now to play some more music with an AI that sounds like an android singing to its child while it dies. Yes! Ha ha ha ha ha! The water is blood now. So okay. So then we cut to, we cut to dad's kitchen. It's bathed in red. Apparently it's

raining blood out, I don't know. And mom, who's dead, her spirit is in the room. And she, she's like, hey, you know, God made an exception to the no coming back rule. And he's like, no, that makes sense, that makes sense. And she's like, and he's told me that he wanted me to come back to make sure that you knew that you needed to murder our son. And he's like, yeah, that sounds like a kind of, because murdering sons, God's into that.

He does that all fucking time, so that makes sense. And dad's not like, so he sent you back in your 40s? Ha! Because... No, no, I liked it. I liked it. I thought it was fine. I thought it was good.

It was a good time. I just, you know... But it's just that we had that funky picture at the funeral and I was thinking maybe that was trying to send him a hint that... Did God know you were 22 once? Yeah, it's no big deal. It's no big deal. I'll go kill our son.

I'll go kill our son. She says, yeah, God needs you to kill Blake. And I'm like, feel like God could handle that on his own, but okay. So then we cut to the dad hanging out with the boss, the gas station boss, right? It opens with this amazing thing because he's like the boss, Hank is the name of the character that was the boss at the gas station. He's like trying to cheer the dad up. He's like, oh you know the water's blood but the beer's still good, right? Okay, good thing there's no water in beer or else this would be all blood. Which flash cut to heaven, that means that like fucking Moroni or whoever is like, all right God we turned all the water to blood because you're giving them the

silent treatment so they all know it's the apocalypse. Do you want us to do the other liquids they drink? And God was like, no. Okay, but what about really water heavy stuff? Anything grapefruit juice or thicker? Not blood. It makes you wonder what to do with flavored water or something like that. Still blood. If it's a circle bottle, blood. If it's the flame, if they put it in the bottle, it can stay whatever it is. Okay, all right, all right.

Good to know. It's gotta be rules, damn it. And we're leaving mineral water what it was because that's worse than blood. Sure, sure. So, but after a little while of trying to cheer him up, Hank turns to him and he goes, come on, Trevor, what's wrong?

I mean, it's the fucking apocalypse, you're covered in boils, the water has turned to blood, what's wrong? What the fuck are you talking about? He goes like, you know, I think the problem, the reason that God's punishing him so much is that I haven't killed my son. And Hank's like, right, because he's the wrong religion.

I bet, hey, hey. Should we maraud right now? like, right, because he's the wrong religion. I bet, hey, hey. Should we maraud right now? I know what would cheer you up. You want to go marauding? Huh? He goes, you know, I wasn't a Christian until all this started happening,

but who can argue with their own eyes? I wrote, I bet Tim Robertson probably does that. The fuck are you thinking, eyes? He goes, he says, hey, you know what? Maybe because your son is this filthy saboteurian. That's what they're calling him now. He says, this filthy saboteurian. Maybe if we kill him, God will give us bonus points

and make up for some of the sinful shit we did. Which the movie wants us to think like, God would never do that, but God has totally done that. Oh yeah. There's a lot of bonuses for marauding as it turns out. Yeah. So okay, so then we finally, we get one of those long moments of blackness that El Director

is known for. So what's supposed to be happening in this scene is that the dad and the gas station boss are supposed to be showing up at the cabin and Blake and Liz are supposed to hear them, right? Hear them like coming in. But the fucking screen is entirely black throughout all of this. So all we're just getting some sounds and we're getting some subtitles trying to tell us what those sounds were meant to be.

So all my notes are like process of elimination, what must have happened here. So it's like literally more than a minute of full darkness and then after the full minute of darkness, Blake like checks outside in the near total darkness, right? You might as well say like, really great parkour things are happening. You can't see it. Chris Temple just did a triple back flip.

What? In real life? So they escape through the upstairs window. Dad's outside watching them through his night vision scope. Okay, so night vision binoculars were owned. I was shocked I hadn't seen those in Chris Temples early video. Yeah, I think he just used the night vision filter. I don't think he actually had those, you know. He's just holding Snapchat up in front of his movie camera. And then... This is the second best special effects in this movie. So then dad goes to shoot him, not with the gun that he had, but instead with his shotgun,

he takes a long time aiming that shotgun too. Like to the point where I think it's a real shotgun and he was really shooting in the direction that that actor just ran, so he had to wait until it was long enough for that guy to get way the fuck off to the right before he fired. But he shoots the shotgun and he misses. And his boss and his friend, the gas station guy is like, what the fuck are you doing missing with a goddamn shotgun? Are you kidding me? So we get, Blake and Liz, they run off, no parkour. And she goes, hey was that your

dad? And he's like, yeah, she's like, why did your dad try to kill us? And he goes, well actually Satan controls every now because God withdrew, I don't, were you even paying attention during leap two? Fuck. Jesus fucking Christ. And leap three. We're in leap three! She goes, wow that's tough. He goes, no, Liz, we'll be fine. And I'm like, that doesn't comport with the earlier statement that you made about Satan controlling everybody, bro. But then, okay, then they have to get away. There's this great moment where they have to get away and dad and the gas station guy

are like coming after him. So he has to do the like throw a thing to make a noise to distract him and make him go this way. Except he picks the thing up very noisily and then he throws it and then the two of them noisily run away. It doesn't count, man. Luckily, Dad used to be a Metal Gear Solid 3 guard, so it's so awesome. Oh, right, right. That makes a ton of sense.

The prestige. So they run off. Now it's time to walk in. We've got a walking in the woods montage to some more of L. Director's sweet AI tunes. Walking in the woods. Walking with my girlfriend who I'm married to now. She let me do it.

So, yeah, so they wander off into the woods. He explains that they're going to have to just trust God for food. That always works out well. I wanted them to accidentally come across some long-jawed Silvers and they're like, let's see what else God has to offer. He picks up a stick and he carves a notch into it. She goes, what's that for? He's like, so that we'll know what day the Sabbath is.

Priorities motherfucker. How are we going to eat? Oh, I'm sure God will get that. But how will we know what day it is? Important shit. We got that end times podcast with make sure we don't work on Saturday while we're escaping the marauders. Well, you don't want to pick up sticks. While we're escaping the marauders? You don't want to pick up sticks, you know, you get killed for that shit.

Got it. Ah, that's the rules. So he's like, he goes, Lord, which way should we go? And Lord's like, left. And he goes, oh, it's this way. So God shows them a path and they find an actual path. She's like, should we follow it? I'm like, of course you should fucking follow it.

God just sent you there, you fucking idiot. So they walk down the path and they come across the CGI bloodstream. Yeah, After Effects plus color correction. 15 years well spent. Yes, right, right. What did you do, Eli? Gain 100 pounds and get sadder?

Chris learned After Effects and AI music. Prompted the shit out of him. He might as well do clap pushups over the credits. He's tap dancing. He can't do fucking clap pushups. Too far. Hey Christopher Temple, I know you're listening. I challenge you to a clap pushup contest, god damn it.

That's right. I'm gonna make this fucking shit happen. So, okay. So, they get to this fucking river, this blood river, and then they have to cross it as though it was lava. Right? Now we know that if they get, because they're good Christians,

if they get close to the blood, it turns back to water. So they're just trying not to get wet for this scene. Right? Like, oh, my socks are gonna be, oh, it's gonna be so unpleasant to walk through. And then, of course, the actors have decided that if they really want to sell the blood river, they have to keep looking back at it a lot.

So they, like, the whole time after they get by, they keep going, sure is red. Yep. Definitely blood. Obviously looks like that in real life too. And so they get past that. And then they, he says, Blake says, we're here. And she goes, where? And he goes, this is where Jesus will return.

Really? This clearing in Montana. Listen. OK. Do you have to take a shit? You can just tell us to take a shit. We can stop for a second. Spoilers, that's not what happens,

but I really wish it was. Yeah. If the last 20 minutes of this movie had just been Jesus being like, oh, okay. Where is everybody? I probably should have asked you guys to rent an ATV or something. We got a walk out, huh? Do you have any pigs I can throw a demon into? My skill set is really not woods.

Oh, watch this. Fuck you, tree. That's fun, right? Hey, guys, I can totally get us over that river, though, man. You won't have to get the stepping stones now. So yeah, so then we cut back. Do you guys know any hookers we can hang out with? You seem lame. So, meanwhile, so dad and the gas station boss, they're all yelling at each other for their failure to murder Blake when they had a chance. And so they push each other back and forth,

and then he's like, the dad is like, I've got an idea how we can get him. He's like, how's that? He says, I have a plane. He's like, like a fucking airplane? And he goes, yeah, what other kind of plane? He's like, it just seems weird that you'd introduce that at this point in the movie.

No, I'm immune to snakes and laser sharks. He says, but also like, how would a plane help? Right, like we're going to find him in the woods and then what? You're going to parachute out? What the fuck are we going to do with the plane? We'll shoot him from the plane. We'll look down and we'll fire at him. He's like, shut up, man.

He has a plane crash effect from After Effects, and he wanted to use it. He bought the whole Humble Bundle. Hm. It's OK. So now we're out in the woods. Blake and Liz wake up, and a fucking crow has brought them bread.

She goes, it's like Elijah. And he goes, who's Elijah? Hey, hey man, the Bible's like your whole thing now. Your whole thing. I need you to make it all the way through. At least, I mean, you don't even, think about how quickly Elijah shows up in the fucking Bible. So quickly, yeah. You're not even like a third of the way through.

Sorry babe, I got really bored at that genealogy part after Genesis I just sort of Tuned out. Yeah, we shouldn't have told me to start at Matthew. God damn it. So yeah So there any other low-budget parkour films? flesh out fill my knowledge gap Punisher war zone yes So yeah, so they go to eat their fucking bread that they found on the forest floor, but they pray first. They thank God for it.

Okay. The bird that they used to drop off the bread took one extra bite before it flew off and I laughed so hard. Like a dad on a road trip. Poison check. I'm just kidding. There's your sandwich. Well, have a sandwich. I'm going to keep driving with my knees while I hand you a sandwich because your mother's asleep because she took six weed gummies before we left. Snatch this from my hand while buckled into your car seat. It's the eighties. buckled into your car seat. It's the 80s.

It's okay. I've been on that exact... We've all been on that trip. Everyone over the age of 20 is like, you had a car seat? Ooh, fancy. April's like, sometimes they would pop the trunk so I could get fresh air. Yes. No, that's how she got her popsicles. But only if I done said my prayers

and did my writin' and my writin' and my arithmetic. Yeah. So, okay, so now they come across another blood river because he'd nailed that effect. I'm just picturing April's shotgun blast out of this. Day one, April, we told you to knock when you got dizzy. So, all right, so then they come across another blood river and as they're getting a drink, because you know, of course, when they go to drink out of it,

it turns to water, so they go to get a drink out of it, and they look up and they see a plane, and they're like, is that something we have to worry about? And he's like, well, I don't know, and I'm like, you don't recognize your own fucking dad's plane? But he looks up, he's like, oh, we do have to worry, that's my dad, and I'm like, what the fuck is he gonna do?

But just then, God slaps the plane out of the sky. (*audience laughs*) Flash cut to an angel caught in the propellers of the plane. (*laughs*) The airplane bathroom, a dad's airplane opens up, Sully steps out, I know what to do. (*laughs*) Sarah Huckabee Sanders is halfway on the windshield, you got me!

They've also just said Jesus was coming back, so my first assumption was that Jesus had gotten caught on it like he was, Behold my children, I have a... Oh, fuck, they vaporized Jesus! Behold my children, I have a brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr There's a lot of pieces. Oh, God's gonna be so mad. Oh, there'll be so many holes this time. Has anyone's... Has anyone seen the sword that was in his mouth that went, fuck, ah! Every time this guy gets down here!

Fuck! Every time this guy gets down here. Pah! So... We gotta hide that black box. Not now, Sarah. So, Blake and Liz, Blake has just watched his father die in a fiery plane crash. So Blake and Liz, Blake has just watched his father die in a fiery plane crash. He's like, well, let's go back to camp, I guess. Go back to camp, cook some food.

So they go back to the camp. And we hear, so Blake is like sharpening a stick when suddenly we hear his dad groaning in pain. So his dad is now walking through the woods like this. He's got a stick that he's using as like a crutch and he's going, ow, ow, ow, ow. And Blake is like, that's my dad yelling, ow, ow, ow, for sure.

Either no illusions attempted to stunt. Stop fucking doing it. Either no illusions attempted to stunt at a illusions attempted to stop fucking doing it. Either no illusions attempted to stunt at a live show or that's my dad. Hey, in Portland, I nailed that shoulder roll. You nailed it. You did. You nailed it.

Right? Yes. There you go. And you almost bled out in Seattle. That cancels out. I'm back to zero. It does. It's back to zero. It does. It's back to zero.

It's true. All right. So now we're back again. We hear Dad yell limping his way through the woods, and then we get Hank, the gas station bus, yell limping from the other direction. All survivors from that plane crash. So God let him survive. Yeah.

Right. Right. Just took the plane down. It was a warning plane crash. Yeah She's just stands up into the aisle immediately Sorry, I learned a new work So yeah So so so the gas station boss and the dad they run into each other and and the one sister they usually okay You left me for dead back there.

He goes, I thought you were dead. And I'm like, yes, that is what that means. And so Hank, the gas station boss, shoots dad to death with a shotgun, because he's so mad. Blake and Liz, who have witnessed this whole thing, they're like, fuck, are we intervening too late? They run out.

They grab Dad as he's dying and they demand an explanation from Hank, from the gas station bus. And he goes, and Hank goes, God, this moment is so good. This may be the greatest moment in God. It's definitely top five, right? Because Hank goes, I don't answer to you. I don't answer to anybody.

And he looks up and he goes, especially you. And then, big mistake, with the greatest comic timing that you can possibly imagine, God kills him with a lightning strike. He strikes him with lightning and he explodes. Yes! Look, I would argue to you that you can make a movie where someone gets struck by lightning and it's not funny. But there's no universe where Chris was like, you know what will really dramatically punctuate

the movie? Oh, I got a kank in my mouth. You guys ever seen a loony tune before? Because those are some serious shit. Okay, we've watched Salman Rushdie's head get chopped off by a flying laser Koran, I believe. Flying laser Koran, yep. This was clunky. This moment was like Salman Rushy's disembodied head

was like, you gotta learn. Adobe Asher effects. Clean this up. A little better. And that thing with the blood spur going, come on. Okay, well and then, so we get this amazing comic timing on the lightning bolt, and then L Director uses the rest of the effects that he'd paid for, right?

Because he has the whole humble bundle. We get 27 different effects at the same time. Disco ball, meat boy goes jumping across the screen. The screen saver fish swim across. Porky Pig tells us that's all, folks. So then, fucking, Blake and Liz are lifted up to heaven. We watch them floating through the air. That's one of the effects he had. And then Blake comes up over as a voiceover and he goes,

then the wicked were destroyed. Satan took over the planet for a thousand years, but there's nobody there, so he probably didn't have much to do, I guess. Satan just kicking around the planet. God, they did a lot of carbon polluting. That's crazy. You should put it all in one corner. God, a thousand years, am I right?

It's not as much fun without everyone else here. Bitchfuck! Sorry Chris, I just, I don't know. I was really psyched to do it to a person and you were there. You want to go on the trampoline? You guys, you guys want to watch From? It's good. So, and then he goes in the voiceover, he says, but this part where Satan has the plan into himself for a thousand years, that's what hell is. Everybody else was wrong about that too. Now you think the movie's over.

You hope the movie's over. No, no, because the greatest god damn, I know I just told you, top five moment in GAM history in that instance scene. I'm talking about the top five one second moments, but this is possibly the greatest scene ever. It's certainly the greatest ending ever. So you think to yourself, okay, surely that ending is unimprovable. But Venice title card informs us that it's now been a thousand years later.

And mom is coming too. And mom's guardian angel, have you ever seen Starman? Okay, so like the light, the ball of light. So that's the guardian angel. Voicing the guardian angel is. Chris Motherfucking Temple. Yes, yes. Absolutely.

Yes. And. You know there was a meeting where he was like, hey guys I guess all that's left is shooting that guardian angel scene. Um, who should do the voice? So, so keep in mind that what this voice is about to do is to tell the character based on Christopher Temple's mom that she's going to burn in hell forever. And he's like, I want to do it. Me, me. So the angel voice is like, yes, I'm your guardian angel.

And shit, well, first of all, sorry about the fucking car accident. Yeah, you hit me with a car. I was, you know, cause like I was on my 15 and like, honestly, I was supposed to be back. I had just gotten blueprints. Have you played blueprints? It's so addictive.

You're like one more run. I just need to get the right tools. And anyways, you got smooshed. So, so first of all, sorry about that. But secondly, you picked the wrong religion. This is hell where you will spend eternity and she's like oh you gotta be fucking kidding me I was I was a good person he's like yeah that doesn't matter it actually doesn't matter at all got the weekend wrong we

don't care tough break it's funny you were off by like half a time zone we weren't even doing that we were doing Eastern Mountain time, so you were just... And she goes, but I didn't know any better. And he's like, did you even watch Leap 2? It had over a million views. But... And I want you to... I want to emphasize here that the last we saw of mom, she was telling God that she agreed with her son that this Saturday was the correct day right and then God killed her the next day so this is a real dick move okay the movies over it's done Chris temple still

had grievances and he was like hold on on, just for the fucking record, my mom also goes to hell even though she was totally on board. She didn't learn about my parkour stuff and I hate her. And she didn't read my printed citations. I had a bunch printed out. She came into my room, which we all agreed was my private area to do the laundry. And she said, yeah, well Friday is laundry day and I said we agreed that you would knock and only when I answered would you come downstairs so yeah she's in hell for a thousand years.

So now yeah so right so and then like then it ends like basically it's like you know the question is simple do you agree with me or do you want to burn in hell forever and then we get these classic gam credits where there's like 11 names but 114 different positions that they where there's like 11 names but 114 different positions that they've put the same 11 names in. Best boy, Chris Temple. Oh my God. Cool boy, Chris Temple.

Even better boy, Chris Temple. Assistant director, Chris Temple. So, okay. So seriously, I counted, right? So would you guys like to guess how many times the name Christopher Temple shows up in those credits? 21. You read it in my notes, you fucking asshole. Oh, I did it! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha 21 times, angel voice, background reporter, director of photography, drone pilot, glide cam operator, special effects makeup,

property master, editor, clips of leap two provided by, pfft, visual aspect supervisor, colorist, Good job me. Full, and look dude, I checked to make sure it was in the special thanks. American Kenpo black belt, put it in there. Right, right, Foley Walker. Wrist grip, put it in there. Foley Walker. Wrist Grip, I have wrist control.

Post-production sound mixer and then original score composed by, and then seven different credits for all the music where it says, prompted by. Now do a happy song while they do parkour he gave himself credit for typing into the AI yes for pride but here's the thing here's the thing did you guys notice that nowhere in there did I ever say director L director forgot to give himself a direct Oh, God. I hope I did the best part of this. God did the. Unfortunately, we don't get to see it, but the funniest moment in this entire goddamn episode, right? That we're recording is when Christopher Temple hears me say that at the end, and he's like, fuck. Fuck. Oh! No! You're here watching this show on Saturday. We have Chris Temple's time of death.

We know exactly how long it takes him to get the gun from the bedroom and then... Bring it out. The show comes out at 7-8. So 7-8. Get on the trampoline. Exactly. Yeah. With the new... Yeah. Make his cellmate leave.

So, okay, so, but that's the movie. I have to ask, where do you, where does this rank for you guys in the Leap Trilogy? Number one. So I'm going to go the other way. So I honestly think they've gotten worse as he's gone, right? Because at least in the first one, the parkour actually had something to do with the fucking movie and it ended with like a big parkour scene and the other two he just forgets about it halfway through. His knees hurt. This movie definitely has a no my knees hurt feel to it throughout, yeah. I get it Chris.

All right well we have a kind of a moment of sympathy with Chris. We're not going to get another one of those. So I think we're going to have to end it there. So that's going to do it for a review of Leap, A Tale of the Last Days, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to do this shit when we get home too. Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well gentlemen, I'll be damned if I settle for just one week of Mormon Movie Month. Yeah.

That's right. Yeah. Yeah. That's right. Statistically, insignificant percentage of our audience that likes Mormon Movie Month will be returning for Sons of Provo. Oh.

Nice. All right. All right. Well, with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 516 to a merciful close. But before we do, I need to thank one more time the inimitable Tim Robertson for all the work that he did putting the show together. Big round of applause for Tim. One more thanks to Lucinda and Ann for all their help with the merch table on Platinum Night last night.

Sorry. You know what? I wrote this. I wrote my notes, I wrote Lucinda and Ann, I forgot to thank Kai. Kai, thank you so much. I was hoping on a ton. All the way, step kid, no Kina sorta's here. That's my child. Huge thanks to the folks from Encore that have done the sound for us today.

Guys, thank you so much. You know, a lot of people can do sound. Not everybody can do sound and agree to look at Eli the way he was dressed coming in. So it's been, hazard pay has been earned here by you guys. Until you've seen me do this next to your soundboard while you check levels And of course the biggest thanks at all of all to all of you for coming out. Thank you, Cleveland, Ohio Thank you and on that note we'll leave you with the American Graffiti clothes. Customers also watched...

Oh! Oh! Walt's Disenchanted Kingdom... Wait! Wait! The Truth About 5G... and... Hillock Ha haunting by the Wright family. Oh, you're kidding me! We are controlling the algorithm! We are gods!

Take that dick block! We are Peter Thiel's gods! You got nothing on us, Grock! News Reporter Lady was released to her family the day after the wrap party for a $6,000 ransom. Christopher Temple earned even more special effects for his next film, Leap 4, No I Won't Agree to Disagree, Even at Christmas. Thank you so much Cleveland! You got one of those in the hopper? You got one of those, Momo. You got a button for that?

This content is canned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4255 or on their website at creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2025, all rights reserved.