God Awful Movies - 518: Early Warning

Episode Date: August 5, 2025

This week, Paul from the That Aged Well podcast joins us to review Early Warning, the story of how uncomfortable a pair of jeans could really be in the 80s. And also the pending apocalypse or something. --- Hear more from Paul on his show, That Aged Well. If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/ Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

But yeah, but he does all of this shit, explains how Jupiter's alignment is going to give us a bunch of extra gravity. Meanwhile, we cut to the fucking bad guys outside. They've fallen asleep and are snoring like a couple of fucking cartoon characters. Again the violent shift in tone from and then God will bring forth the fires of Hades to God awful movies Movie! Welcome back to the GAMCast where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema because who wants to make it to their deathbed with only mild regrets. I'm your host No Illusions, Heath is off this week but sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnik. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Do do do do do do do. We're back in the 80s, baby. Yeah, we are. Let's not linger. We're also excited to welcome in a brand new guest masochist.

Paul is one half of the That Aged Well podcast, a podcast exploration of the movies that make us us or made them them, I guess. Paul, welcome to Godawful Movies. Well, boys, thank you for having me. This has been a unique experience watching this movie. And you know what? One, I would not trade because it really, we say on our podcast sometimes that the movie we're watching is terrible.

And we're right, but it's a whole new sub-basement that you've discovered. Yes, yes. Every terrible movie you've ever watched just got elevated in a way that you didn't know was possible. Absolutely. Now, it's unique for you, but like we've watched 137 of this exact same movie, which is why we have to bring you on board to say some new shit.

And I have, I do have some questions for you guys in the middle of this, being like, do you know where this is going? Because I'm at the edge of my seat. Like, where is this film going to end up? Oh, I was so delighted reading over that on the nose. I'm excited to get to it. But first, we'll stick with the format here. Tell us, Paul, what will we be breaking down today?

Today, we watched 1981's Early Warning, which is about how you absolutely fuck your to be algorithm by watching this first when you download this app and I have to find actual gay porn on this app to watch in order to make this non-hung salted earth. But in all seriousness, it is a story of a, it's a good Christian woman who she knows the end of days is right around the corner. She's really diligent about getting the word out about it. She wants to spread the word, get more people converted, have them avoid burning in hellfire

for eternity. And then she gets dictmatized like Ariel in The Little Mermaid. This intrepid reporter suddenly enters the scene. The movie splits into like half a romantic comedy and half a pretentious warning about the impending apocalypse. And half a Bugs Bunny cartoon. It's so weird where this movie goes. Sure does.

And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the bad-tastic apocalypse films we've covered several dozen times on this show, but you wish they contained more national lampoon-esque shenanigans, you will love this movie. So regular listeners to our show will know this, but Paul, I want to welcome you into our world. Yeah. I mean, Noah, do you have a running count of how many apocalypse is we have no no, I guess it's dozens

We have witnessed dozens of apocalypse is on this show, but I will say This is the apocalypse we have witnessed with the most brevity very near a comedy about Belongs in this movie more than all the other ones combined. Yeah. Like, Hey, walk a walk in the middle of it. What is happening? Right. But also very serious. You should turn your life over to Jesus. Yes. So, and hey, quick before we dive in any further, I have to let the listeners know that we've got another

live record to announce. We're going to be coming to beautiful New Orleans, Louisiana for the first time ever on September 27th. Get your tickets at godawfulmovieslive.com and yes, Platinum Night tickets are available if you want to hang out with us and play games and shit tonight before godawfulmovieslive.com or look for a link in the show notes. All right, so with that out of the way, is there anything that you want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Is there anything that you want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? I would like to nominate best worst score. OK. Then the score of this movie is Sally Field and Sybil.

Everything we talked about, like the whiplash, is also in the auditory experience of it. Like, oh, yeah, it is wild and frankly, very entertaining. Like really enjoyed it. There's there's there's an element of like remember back in the days of iPods when like the wrong person would shuffle on the like communal speaker or whatever. And you're just like what the fuck is that? Why is there suddenly a Disney cartoon song in the middle of all this? What is happening here?

So okay. So I want to go with best, worst, final line. Oh, yes. It's now it's not the actual last line of the movie because the idiots who watched this movie, like the test screening of this movie, were like, but I don't like it if he dies. So they have to put in like a news article, like a news guy going, and by the way, he didn't die. He's fine. So, so that's the actual last line. But the last line that was in the original script is one of the greatest God awful movie moments of all time. Oh, big time.

Talk about a tease. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm going to go with best worst outdated Christian pseudoscience. So I went down a deep rabbit hole about one of the pieces of crazy in this movie. I bet I know which one. And it makes me so happy. It shows what a bear trap believing in this bullshit really is a mere 40 or 50 years later.

Well, yeah, that's the thing, right? Because it's one of those things where it's like, well, you know, either our religion is correct and the world is going to end in two years or neither of those things are true It's one of those kind of things. Yeah. So alright, well Look at the any second now rapture clock has been ticking since 1981 So we're gonna keep the break brief and hopefully we'll be able to make it back before that happens for the breakdown Pilates no Zumba same teacher and she's always like when am I gonna see you. Pilates? No. Zumba? Same teacher and she's always like, when am I going to see you at Pilates again?

Oh, I hate those. Yeah, no, that's kind of going to... Hey guys, what you doing? Oh, I'm trying to help Paul find a good workout class at our gym. You guys go to the same gym? Yeah, but these classes all get the same so quickly. It's really a drag. Jump aerobics?

Nah, I'm scared of trampolines. Interesting. Guys, if you want a workout that's always changing with your goals, you should try FitBod. What's FitBod? FitBod is an app that creates a personalized workout routine based on your goals, fitness level, and available equipment. An app can do all that? It sure can, Paul. Plus, workouts adapt to your growth, so each workout is challenging enough to push you to make progress. I don't know, No Illusions. Have you actually tried it?

I sure have. I tried out FitBod when they first became a sponsor. I love how I could follow along with the beginner workouts when I got started and then I could take things up a notch when I got more experience. That's why I, No Illusions, personally endorse FitBod. Alright Noah, I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Get in shape this summer with FitBod.

Join FitBod today to get your personalized workout plan. Get 25% off your subscriptions or try the app for free for seven days at fitbod.me slash gam. That's F-I-T-B-O-D dot M-E slash gam. Ooh, what about Tybo? Actually, Eli is banned for trying to dojo storm them. You tried to dojo storm a Tae Bo class? I was admittedly confused about their claims.

I see. I see. Okay. Okay, everyone. Welcome to the first Writers Room meeting for early warning. So you guys know the drill here. This is going to be an action packed spy thriller where our protagonist try to stop the Antichrist's rise to power during the end times. Hey, question?

Yes, Steve, what's up? The Bible says the Antichrist is going to rise to power. Oh yeah, it sure does. Yeah. So why would a Christian try to fight it? Well, because he's evil. Right, right, right. But the prophecy says they're going to fail. So why wouldn't they just chill and be Christian? Oh, yeah, that makes a ton of sense.

Okay. Well, yeah. Well, sure. I mean, technically what a Christian should do is just chill and be Christian, but that's not what they're gonna do Why? Well, because we can't make a movie about chilling and being Christian. Oh, that's a good point fine fine But I want a helicopter. Yeah, no. Yeah, let's get a helicopter Let's get a helicopter. And we're back for the breakdown. We're going to open up with some speed exposition from overlapping radio news broadcasts.

Can I interrupt immediately and ask why is the opening shot of this movie look like we are in a post-nuclear fallout winter? I don't know. The sky is Ernie from Sesame Street Orange. It is. It is. And there's not it's not like we're pre apocalyptic. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It makes no sense within the film.

But the newscasters are telling us about racial and religious violence all over the world. And we're seeing like images of all the violence, which includes just one guy who looks like he he just kind of fell down like his kids and was an attack from his old knee, his old football knee or whatever. You guys, I can tell you something. That is a shot from later in the movie. Oh, you're right. It is. Oh, my God, it is.

And they were just like, hey, you know what? We have shots of violence already. We don't have to get new ones for this. And that's so fucking cheap. We don't have to buy stock footage of someone injured. We have someone injured in like 15 minutes. We have somebody pretending to be injured in the... Oh my God, that's amazing. And I want to say right up front, it's crazy because we've watched movies like this back from like 1950 and on and they always are like, hey, look at the news. Isn't it obvious

that the stuff from the rapture is happening right now? Right. But the fact that we have, you know, fucking 75 years of them saying that never seems to wake them up to like, oh, that's just how things are. Yeah. Like the Mayans at least stood on business and said, no, we think this is when the world is right. We have they were wrong. Yes. Right. They let it go. Yeah. In fact, I have to say all two reviews of this movie on IMDb point out that the fact that like they were saying the same shit that we're

saying now makes it more true. No idea how. Of course. Of course. It's OK. But this news montage, it wraps up on a newsroom where we're going to meet our hero, our male lead. This is Sam Jenkins Ace Reporter, right? Yes. Can I, before we move on from the news, can I just ask one question?

Are we putting a lot of daylight between Nazis and Nazi supporters? Because they really make a point of that. Yeah. Yeah. The 1980s, Christians were a lot more hard line against Nazis. Yeah. Got it. Got it. In 2025. Yeah. I bet American Nazis sounded a lot more impossible to them than it does to us today. Yeah. Right. Well, it's funny. Like you've got to imagine them watching back over this nostalgically going, oh, you remember when we thought that

the Nazis would be the other guys? Like, that's so weird. You just never see that coming. So yeah, so, but we meet Sam Jenkins. He's getting a phone call from an informant. This will later learn that this character is Mike Williams and he's got some life or death information that he has to share with somebody down at the newspaper. Yeah. So he goes, meet me at this address at 2 a.m. and I wrote my notes. No. Every dude that calls me just says, stranger says, meet me at this address at 2 a.m. then

you go. They're not there. They're never there. Which is crazy because the grinder, the app said you were 200 feet away. Come on. The number of times I've complained to Grindr, no response. Yep. Yep. But so he gets that, he makes that phone call and then we cut over, we watch him. He is in the evil lair of the bad guys and he's sneaking around and he's kidnapped somebody, tied him up and stole his lab coat.

Well, and once you've got a lab coat, right? Like you're obviously a goon. You're in. Yeah. That's all it required in the 1980s. I also like that it's the 80s. So like, look, you can knock a guy out and tie him up, but you don't do anything crazy like undo his tie.

Okay? No, no, no, no, no. You can gag him with the tie. I mean, that's just efficient. Exactly. Yeah. So he sneaks around and he gets into the air shafts. and like all movie buildings, this one has enormous air shafts. We'll have to fit a whole video camera in it.

Right. Yeah. And lighting. Yeah. So and then we cut to the fucking Illuminati. We know it's a meeting of nefarious world leaders because it's the 80s and there's a turban and a keffiyeh. leaders because it's the 80s and there's a turban and a keffiyeh. So, yeah. This one, I'm always interested in like what people have chosen for their Evo Cabal. And this Evo Cabal had a banner made, which is always a lot of fun for me, right? Because I'm just picturing them like either going to a screen printer or having to reuse one. I had this from the Eric's Club and I could spray paint Satan upside down on it. Yeah, right. They also have the logo they've made. I had this from the Eric's Club and I could spray paint Satan upside down on it.

They also have the logo they've made. It could be like a discarded symbol from Mitsubishi, but it could also like really made me think swastika. Sure. Like it's definitely akin. It's an echo. It's an echo of a swastika. Right, right.

And so the main bad guy who is the Antichrist, which is it took me a second to figure that because he didn't have a European accent. Oh, but who is the Antichrist, which it took me a second to figure that out because he didn't have a European accent. But this is the Antichrist. And he's standing up at the front and he's going like, hey guys, great job on the energy crisis. That was awesome. It's like, you know, we don't have any awards to give out, but we should. We should have a little trophy.

And by the way, that food shortage we got coming up. That's gonna be great Honestly when we make the Christian apocalypse movie bingo card, which we absolutely should the illuminati going over old business is Going over the minutes of the last meeting Also, it's Craig's birthday meeting. Yes. Also, it's Craig's birthday. Happy birthday from Seton. So also there's a like while he's given like all the evil plans, there's a moment where he's like, also, the labor unions are part of the evil satanic plan. Well, obviously. Yeah, clearly. Yeah. Also, I had to just draw a circle around this line. He says the threat of universal war is a daily possibility.

I'm a universal, huh? Yeah, like Star Wars. Yeah, not even going to keep it in this goddamn solar system. I wrote in my notes as a joke, why is Jupiter going to get involved? Little did I know. Podcast listener. Oh, I also have to say say, your notes really helped me, because I spent the whole time going,

who is this person? And because of your notes, they're like, oh, he's the Antichrist, because they never give him a name. No. So there's a moment here, too, like, so he's giving this dastardly monologue and it's meaningless, right? Because at a certain point, he's like, as you know, and like, OK, well, why are you going to say it then? He goes, as you know, we don't have to hold visual forms of leadership. It's better that we do not. And we're like, who

are you talking to? But as we're saying that, we see Mike, the informant sneaking through the air vent right next to this meeting room. OK, I have so many notes about this evil cabal, but like number one, did you not hear this 50 year old unathletic man humping his way through the air duct five feet away from you? He's not giving black widow. Yeah, right, right. He clunks his way in and then there's this cassette recorder.

Like, so apparently he's done this before. Apparently he's just gone through and just like beat up and and and kidnapped a series of their low level Employees right because he goes and all he does is he like there's a tape recorder already taping them He gets the tape out and switches it out to another one. Mm-hmm. Okay now podcast listener Noah is an old so he's not making a joke about something He should be making a joke about which is the fact that this tape recorder is the size of 11 microwave So big I know that was breaking technology when Noah was 30 years old, but it is very large Oh

1981 when everything was the size of a toaster, right? Everything was a boombox. At least the minimum size was boombox. Yeah. Something bigger was actually better because people could see you had it. Yeah, right. Right. Yeah.

So it's so hard for me not to go off on a nerdy Atari fact right now. I'm not doing it. You're like, so, okay. So, but then the Antichrist, as this tape is getting switched out, the Antichrist is like, we're going to assign everyone a number and we're like, oh, is everybody going to have the same number and it's going to be 666? He's like, shut up, shut up. We haven't gotten there yet. Well, this is the first time that we've ever heard the sort of FAQ on the Dean Mark of the Beast.

Right? The fucking peanut gallery starts going, hold on, how's this even going to work? What if somebody loses their card? It's like, great question, great question. Here we're about solving problems before they become problems. One last thing. Two words, hand, forehead. Boom. I gotta say, if I'm getting an invisible number tattooed, I'm not going hand or forehead like like if I'm a if I'm a subject

of a fascistic anti-christian Antichrist whatever government that's happening because remember this whole time I see like the mark of the beast and because I'm still living in reality I don't immediately think Antichrist. I think oh, yeah, it's a Christian movie. They put 666 on him I'm like I'm gonna put the number somewhere fun Like I'm if they want to see my number they have to look at my taint every time they ask for it. Like, here you go.

Right, right. I'm number seven hundred and seventy six. There you go. So, yeah, so we see his 666 that's on his hand and it's the most boring. Like we've seen a lot better Marks of the Beast. You know, like we're kind of a aficionados here. This is a very boring one. And so and then like as the the

informant guy, as Mike is sneaking away with his cassette, another rando, like I guess that now that we're open to question, another randos going like, I'd like to talk about the Middle East, the situation in the Middle East. And later, guys like, yeah, fuck it, man. OK, what do you what do you what do you want to do? Craig, I was doing my numbers.

Says it. I didn't get to tap to pay yet, but that's fine. Okay. Cool. Yeah, man. Let's talk about the middle East. How's it going in Iran? Is it sad?

God, I want to have one meeting where we don't talk about it. I need to drop anchor. Give me a second. But nobody explains that there's one maybe two years left before the one world government will be in place. He says this in the 1981 movie. Yeah. This is where they explain that they're giving Israel nukes so that they'll attack Russia first.

And I said, OK, you got it. Did you all notice that one of the world leaders is a woman hashtag feminism? Yeah, it's a forward-thinking Christian apocalypse apocalypse girlbots So yeah, and then he goes he does this whole line about how like, you know Once we have him scared enough we could present the devil himself as a world leader and they would accept him And then there's a music sting that is too over the top for anything but comedy today. Right.

This is the beginning of my journey with the music. I was immediately like, what open source free music download on YouTube? Well, not in 1981, but whatever it was, they did that in 1981. Yeah, whatever the 80s equivalent. Yeah. What microfiche did you download at the public library to get this mix in? It's okay. So, but Mike is scurrying away with his cassette tape. That's the MacGuffin for the movie now. But the guy he kidnapped whose lab coat he stole, he's awake now.

Right? And he's staring right at the alarm. So he starts erming. Now, this is why you tie up the guy's feet as well as his hands. Yeah, he got it. Look at one Shabari how-to book before you can ask him that. Some guy's just hanging from the ceiling

with his comrades coming. Uh, Will, first of all, who knocked you out? Who went with the cocoon? Second of all, why are you so hard? Has this been going on for more than four hours? Should we consult the doctor? So yeah, so, but just then the kidnapped guard like shouts, somebody sounds the alarm and they spot Mike on the cameras.

Right, so now the guards are going to chase him and we have to spend just a moment on the outfit that they have chosen for these guards. OK. Gentlemen, this made my day when I first saw it. They are wearing jaunty buttery yellow turtlenecks. I don't know how else to describe them. There's no other word but jaunty. Yes. Yeah. And then like spats that go up to their mid-calf? They look like Freddy from Scooby-Doo fucked well from The Sound of Music, and this was the outfit that popped out.

No, there's a real like, and if we need to make a sci-fi movie later, we can still use these outfits. Yeah, I'm going. Yes. Right, we just have to put some tin foil on them. Yeah. Yeah. So, but then, so now we get an extraordinarily long, boring sequence of these guys, these guards and their yellow neckerchiefs chasing Mike around, right?

Yeah. Now, as the resident old, what year did people begin to run full speed? And Noah was after this one. Yeah, no, like there's a moment where like he has to run up a hill and go over the fence. And it's like, well, like you start your other actors from further back because the way they have to do it now, of course, is that the guy has to stand there going like, oh, I'm going to aim this gun any second at you. Right. Well, they also yell, get the dogs now.

Now get the get the dogs first. Start with the dogs. What are you fucking doing over here? If you have hellhounds, release them by all means. So we briefly cut over to to Jen to Sam. He's heading out for his two a.m. rendezvous. And I only bring it up because they shoehorn in this blind man who loves Jesus. We're never going to see this character again, right?

It's like they're assuring the Christian viewers that no, no, no, this movie loves Jesus. This movie loves Jesus. Yeah. And that man, we should point out that man is black. Hashtag diversity. Yes. Yes. Very progressive Jesus. Yeah. And that man, we should point out, that man is black. Hashtag diversity. Yes. Yes. Very progressive film.

Yeah. So, but now the informant is, the informant guy, Mike, he gets shot in the escape, right? So he's goofily limping away. Like the actor can't decide where he was shot. Mm-hmm. Right? Because at first I thought he was shot in the shoulder and then it kind of moved to his leg, right?

Yeah. Yeah. There was a dick moment there. There was a kneecap moment there Yeah, but he manages to get to this mailbox and he's like prepared an envelope So he mails his cassette, right? Just picturing this guy getting ready for the mission at home All right So I'll set up the giant tape recorder then I'll change the tape every three and a half minutes like I have to Just like outside of Jeffrey Epstein's jail cell and then in case I get shot But I can still make it to that post box exactly two blocks away I'll just I'll glue envelopes self-addressed envelopes under all the mailboxes in the surrounding area

In case the guards and their dogs chase me in that direction That's right. Yes. So he manages to mail the MacGuffin away. He runs away and he's like, oh, abandoned warehouse. I bet this will be a safe place to hide. Right? Okay.

You know, I just want to welcome hopefully some that age well listeners to God Awful Movies. So we do a thing on our show where we say PSA for this episode. So PSA for this episode, if you're fleeing from an evil cabal, an abandoned factory is a bad place to hide, as is an alleyway that's just bathed in red light. Go to a populated area. Yeah.

Yeah, worst of all would be a fucking abandoned warehouse at the end of an alley bathed in red light, which is what this idiot does, yeah. Yes. There's all these sex workers lining the streets, cozy up, by an hour. You might take it out. Yes.

Yeah. But yes, but they fucking Keystone comrades catch him and they shoot him. Yeah. I did do the time codes. It is five minutes from the time the alarm sounds in the evil headquarters to the time this guy gets shot. What a waste of my life. That five minutes was Jesus.

So, okay. So now the cops are on the scene. We get reporter Sam showing up to the scene. This is where he was supposed to meet. Apparently, like this abandoned factory was also where he wanted to meet the reporter, right? Mm hmm. Okay. I want to point out, I want you to take a moment to point out the absolute uselessness of this scene. Because what our protagonist learns from this scene is a guy died. A new character who the rest of the movie is going to include and be about is going to walk into his office one scene from now and repeat that exact information. There is no reason for him to have, by coincidence, stumbled upon the murder scene of a guy to

find out that he died. This movie, it makes me want to ask you guys, do a lot of these movies have the feel of a kid who was told they had a hand in a thousand word essay and they only had 700 words? So they add a lot of berries into them? Very much so. Oh my god. I thought that might be the case. Got it in one. So they add a lot of berries into them. Very much so, yeah. Oh my god. I thought that might be the case.

Got it in one. And see, the thing is, is that normally in these movies, you know, we'll just, we'll like highlight a scene in red in our nose to say, hey, we don't have to point this out because nothing in this scene actually matters. We don't have to talk about it. We can just move on. But we can't skip this fucking scene because it's so goddamn weird. The cop goes, the opening of the scene, the cop turns to Sam as he walks in, he

goes, if it isn't Sam Jensen, the big time reporter. And Sam goes, oh, it's funny, O'Malley. Did you write that yourself? This is I'm just going to check my notes here, carry the not a joke. No, that's not a joke. Not remotely a fucking joke. He goes, he goes, what's happening here the cops like oh, yeah, no no us cops We love to just talk openly to reporters that happen upon our crime scenes about what's happening. It's just quote a

routine homicide He says he goes into routine homicide. Do you know the guy? I'm just assuming he does that for everyone that wanders by a lady lady you want to look at this sheet Now can you identify this corpse? Nobody wants to help cops out anymore. Yeah, exactly. It's a problem.

It's also a routine homicide where the victim managed to bandage a wound on his leg. Yes! Right! We watched this. And there's a... There must be like a fucking line of blood going all the way back to the evil bad guy lair, right? Yeah.

Okay, I have a question about a moment that happens at the very end of this scene. Here's what I observed, and gentlemen, gentlemen, I come to you with an open heart and an open mind, because if I hallucinated this, it's okay, I'm gonna accept it and move forward with honesty and integrity. He's drinking coffee while he's doing this scene.

Cop guy is drinking coffee while he's doing this scene. Cop Guy is drinking coffee while he's doing this scene. At the end of the scene he says, all right, I'll be seeing you. And then he turns his head to the side and spits his coffee out, a la chewing tobacco. Oh. I think it was supposed to be the end of a cigar that he had just bit off, but.

That's what I thought it was. I thought it was some kind of smoke, a cigarette thing or something. Because I tell you, a series of Google searches in my life were spit coffee at the end. End of coffee used to be bad 80s. Don't always finish coffee 80s question mark. So, yeah. So but Sam is just like, hey, can I look at the dead guy? And he's like, yeah, no, we let everybody look at the dead guys when they come by in the 80s, especially reporters.

You can fuck him if you want to. We don't care. We're the cops in the 80s. He can't consent. He might have been into it. Yeah. And so but he's like he looks at the dead guy and he goes, do you know him?

And he's like, yes, I do. His name is Mike Williams. He's like, well, will it ever be relevant to the movie that you know him? And he's like, no, it won't. He's like, well, then why the fuck would we make you know him? That's so dumb. Yeah. And then the cop, whose name, by the way, is O'Malley. O'Malley goes, enough with this fucking homicide investigation shit.

My coffee's getting cold, guys. Rapid hops. My pinky ring is starting to weigh down my right hand. I got to go switch it out. I feel like a pinky ring is probably a big sign in these movies that someone's corrupt and not good. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So, okay. So meanwhile, we come back to the Antichrist in his office. We're going to spend a lot of time with the Antichrist in his office at this point. He's on the phone with a senator trying to smooth things over after the alarm went off mid Illuminati meeting.

So embarrassing. Right. This is also where we're going to meet the head of his security team, who I just have in my notes as Jay Leno's dad. Yeah. Yeah, that works. Can I say Jay Leno's dad references a Sergeant O'Connor talk to everybody. Now, do we think that that is just a writer error and he meant O'Malley or do they just think that all cops are Irish? All cops are Irish. All the cops starts with an O, yes.

Yeah. So yeah, so the Antichrist is like, at one point he goes, I don't understand how this happened. A guy can't just knock out one of our analysts and then crawl through the vents. Why, that would be terrible writing. There must have been more to it than that. But just then, a girl comes in and she's like,

hey, we've got a printout of all of the phone calls and the only one that isn't accounted for is this one that was made to the local newspaper. And that's why you don't call your contact from inside the place you're infiltrating. Why the fuck would you do that? PSA. Yeah. It was the 80s. Okay, I can explain this one. It was the 80s guys, a phone, a nickel was a lot. Okay.

And get all the way to a, he had already taped all the envelopes underneath all the desks he just figured. Didn't even have to dial nine to get an outside line. And then the antichrist goes, Oh, well, this must have been that Christian group, which is an insane thing to say, because number one, there's no reason for him to think that number two, as near as we know, as the as people have watched this entire movie, there is no Christian group. There's no group.

I was waiting for the group the whole movie. No fucking group whatsoever. And then he's like, bring in the girl and they're like, what? Oh, he's like the fucking love interest, obviously. Right. Right. So then a saxophone cuts into inform us that we're about to meet the love interest. She is Jenny and she's going to see ace reporter Sam Jensen. Does this woman look like a young Jamie Lee Curtis?

OK. All right. Well, kind of. Sure. Kind of. I referred to her as not Jamie Lee Curtis in all of my notes. Yeah, right. Jamie Lee gentlest. Like Laurie Strode energy here. I'm going to say something nice. I don't know who this woman is or what her actual politics or beliefs are.

I don't think she's a terrible actress. No she's not. She's not. She's given an absolutely ridiculous movie. She's still active and she's still working. Yeah. I think her last IMDB credit was in like 2022. So yeah, there was a there were a few times where I'm like, she's doing good,

a good job making this absolute insanity sound totally normal. Yeah, good. Right. So she's coming to see the reporter. Now I want to point out this is the second time we're going to see Sam Jensen, ace reporter in the middle of a newsroom. And it's the second time that he's the only person in this enormous newsroom, right? Because this movie didn't want to hire extras. And that is a fucking subplot, right? To this film. Hostile. You're in a place where you're like,

well, shouldn't there just be a bunch of people lounging around at that pool? No, no extra. So but she introduces herself. She's Jenny and Mike Williams, the guy who died in the last scene, sent her. He said if anything happens to him, she should go to Ace reporter Sam Jenkins or Jensen or whatever and tell him all about it. So can I jump in here? Because she does introduce herself.

She says, I'm Jenny Marshall. And Sam says, what can I do for you, Ms. Marshall? And she says, it's Miss. Fuck you, Gloria Steinem. Yeah, right. Eat my ass, Betty Friedan. I'm an unmarried woman. You're going to call me Miss. My name better fucking be Melissa. Okay. Because I am, yeah, not a Miss. So, yeah, but she's like, she's like, hey, so I want I need to tell you about the Illuminati

that's running the world. And he's like super skeptical. And like, they want to have this whole like, you know, she needs his help, but he doesn't want to give it reluctance conversation because that's just sort of a trope. Right. But they haven't established a reason for that. Right. He knows that this guy called and said, hey, it's life and death stuff and then got killed. Right. So like he has every reason to believe that she knows something that's important, but he's like, I don't really care about this. What am I a fucking investigative reporter? God damn it. And they they've scripted it weirdly, right? Like he's being skeptical about the wrong kind of things. Like at one point she goes, these people, they're killers.

They murder people. And he goes, I don't care. And it's like, no, you're supposed to not believe her. It's not that you don't care about the crime of murder. People are being murdered. He's like, well, it's not me being murdered. Why would I give a shit about some other guy getting murdered?

Yeah. So then creating all kinds of questions about his work schedule, he leaves to go for breakfast. So I guess he works the overnight shift at the news. And now the score shifts into a bouncy woodwind. What? Like, yeah. It is a sitcom from the 80s. It's happening on the screen right now. Yeah. The forest creatures are off on an adventure.

Yes. Yeah. Right. So she he on an adventure. Yes. Yeah, right. So she he's like, I'm going for some breakfast. She's like, I'll go with you. And she takes his arm against his will and everything. And we're like, what the hell is happening? And we see here that the bad guys now are like staking her out. They're following along. Right. And they might as well just be holding a bush in front of them

as they walk about beside them. Right. They're they're like making no effort whatsoever to be hidden. So they go for some breakfast tacos. She talks a bunch of shit. She's like, this isn't a good breakfast. And I'm like, he didn't fucking invite you. You just invited him. You can't talk shit about his breakfast choices now. She also makes it sound like she's never had Mexican food ever. Right. This is actually pretty good. Like really? Well, of course it fucking is.

She seems unaware of the existence of a tortilla when she first sees it. Like this bread is flat. Is this a kind of hot dog? Yeah, right? That's a totally different direction. So okay. So then she's going to, they're going to sit down for their breakfast tacos and she's going to try to explain to him that God's judgment

Has fallen on mankind and the world is gonna end in a few years, right? They have a big mile like a dialogue about Jonah here. I will admit and I'm a little embarrassed but the Jonah exchange did make me laugh Oh, it was when he goes what if he didn't make it to heaven and she yeah, then you get to ask. Yes I like that's a good joke. That's a good bit that writer of this Oh, when he goes, what if he didn't make it to heaven and she goes, then you get to ask him? Yes. That's a good joke. That's a good bit.

That writer of this, that's a joke. Big time reporter thing, that's not a joke. That's a joke. We found one. It's like the hidden picture or whatever on the fucking placement they gave you as a kid. So yeah, so then she lays out the dastardly corporation that's behind this that explains all the different things that they own. And we're like, OK, you're describing Disney right now.

And I'm not super. Right. It's so funny because at the end of the scene, he goes, well, what makes you think that's like the Antichrist and not just a powerful organization? And she has to be like, oh, sorry, I'm a Christian. And we blame literally anybody in power for being this thing whenever they have existed, including when the Bible was written when this was about Rome. Yes. Right.

There's this great exchange where he says something like, do you think I'd mislead you? And she goes, do you think I'd mislead you? Bitch, I don't know you. You're just some lady. I'm an investigative reporter with a reputation. Yeah. Right.

So, okay. So then we go back to the Antichrist and he's like dictating some paperwork. Jay Leno's dad comes in to tell him that they found the girl. Right. Yeah. And he goes, do you want us to bring her in like you told us to? And it's like really weird that you would ask him, do you still want me to do the thing that you told me to do? And he's like, no, have your men follow her and report back everywhere she goes.

That'll draw the plot out a bit. have your men follow her and report back everywhere she goes. That'll draw the plot out a bit. So he leaves. And then we go back to more conversation about how Disney is going to take over the world. But this is where Jenny realizes she sees the henchmen in the car, because they're very obviously henchmen in a hench car, right? And she says, oh, we've got to like sneak her into the alley. They step outside of that diner and at timecode 21 minutes and 39 seconds, the moose knuckle that is displayed is obscene. She's going to lose an eye.

Sam Jensen said, welcome to moose port. It is so, he has, he is dill pickling in broad daylight and it is obscene in a Christian movie. Why did he put the balls, both balls and the shaft on one side of the fence? It's so fucking weird. Yes. Thank you. But yeah, so they go to run away.

How he runs in this, I have no fucking idea, right? You'd think his left leg would have to just stay stiff the whole time. Yeah. He can't have children anymore. But they go running away with the henchmen tutors to henchmen. One is you should follow on foot in case they try something. I'm like, what if the thing they try is getting in a car, you dumbass. So they get in a car and they drive away. Is that a golf cart or a car? Well, yeah. Right. Right. Yeah. Car asterisk. So, OK, so we cut back to the Antichrist. He's talking to another senator down from his office or whatever. And he's like, yes, you know, I'll recover the McGuffin.

Yes, there will be extra guards at the conference. That'll be Act three of the movie. And then Jay Leno's dad has to come in and sheepishly tell him about the last scene. Oh, yeah, they slipped away. It turns out that they just ran to their car and left. If this movie had budget, there would have been a button on the Antichrist desk that he could have pushed and that guy would have just dropped into hell. 100%. Yes. They did not have trap door money, but you could see they wanted it.

And I do want to point out that this is the exact exchange. Sorry, boss, they got away. Well, where is she now? And then you watch the other actor be like, I just think she got off They didn't get away if I told if I know that Elsewhere we tell you one place. They definitely aren't or two. I mean here also they're not and now it's time for the Andy Christ to Impress us with his technology his super evil technology Putting a stop on his credit cards

putting a stop on his credit cards. He goes, he goes, well, we should try our little system. And I'm like, oh, I bet you should have tried that at the very beginning. And he calls on the phone and he goes, yes, I want to put a stop on all the credit cards and all of the bank accounts of Sam Jensen. And even the movie's like, wow, there's probably thousands of people with that name. I should at least put an address in there Alright well it looks like the bad guys have finally resorted to plan a so things are heating up enough for us to take a break But we'll be back in a flash with even more of early warning

Seriously you guys do not have to feed me. Of course we do. You came all the way to the podcast-iverse. I came to the what now? Doesn't matter. We know what a fan of retro you are, so we got you this. What is it? It's a go-kart. Oh, I guess that's kind of...

From the actual 80s. Well, that is probably very bad then. Yeah, that's why it's in a glass box. I do not want this. Well, we got to feed you somehow, and we do not have time to cook. Well, why don probably very bad then. Yeah, that's why it's in a glass box. I do not want this. Well, we gotta feed you somehow and we do not have time to cook. Well, why don't you try Factor? What's Factor? Well, between busy schedules and summer plans, sometimes all I've got is a couple minutes. Factor helps me eat smarter with tasty chef-prepped meals that are dietitian approved and delivered

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plus free shipping on your first box. That's code awful50off at factormeals.com for 50% off plus free shipping. Get delicious, ready to eat meals delivered with Factor. Thanks. Hey, Noah, do you know what a podcast diverse is? Yeah. So do you know the shoe company Allbirds? No. Then this is going to take a while. Next, welcome to CopyMax. Can I help you? Hi. Picking up my order for Dark Lord.

Oh, uh, yep. We've got it right here. It's one large banner, six posters, and a standee. Yes, that is me. All right. Is this going to be a cash or card? Card. Great. Let me bring that order right out for you. I'll call it up. Thank you. So do you have like an evil organization? What? Let me bring that order right out for you. I'll call it up. Thank you. So do you do you have like a evil organization?

What? No. What? What makes you think that? Oh, I just it's the banner says evil organization of secret world overlords on it. Everybody was you know, we were all looking at it in the back and we were like, wait, is this guy do that? Is that legal? Is it legal for the people at copy makes to look at the order they're copied? Yeah, man

Well, it's no it's we're not an evil organization. Oh, okay. So what what are the banners and stuff for then? it's for a play a Play about a secret overlord organization? Yep, that's what the play's about. Okay, what's this play called? This play?

This play is called Satan. The play is called Satan? That is what I said, yes. Okay, well what about the standee of Satan that says, soon the world shall be mine? Also for the play. Uh-huh. And the workplace posters? That's an OSHA thing. Got it.

Hey, Craig, here's that order for the Satan Organization. We're not a Satan Organization. We're a play. It's a play called Satan. Well, that's a bad title. Can I go? Can I go, please? Can I pay and then go? Yeah, no, a bad title. Can I go? Can I go? Please? Can I pay and then go? Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, sorry. Sorry. Um, we're all set. Oh, hey, would you like to sign up for our rewards card and every purchase?

No, I don't want to sign up for the card. I don't want to sign up for the card. Got it. Sorry. It's just- No, it's fine. It's just they make us say the thing. Sure. Sure. What about children of Satan? Oh, I love that. Not really doing notes. Sure. Okay. What about children of Satan? Oh, I love that. Not really doing notes. Sure. OK, sure. Rude.

And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Jenny and Sam pulling up at her place. But the bad guys are already there and that's no good. But we have some and we just briefly mentioned this. Paul briefly mentioned the fucking Sedona vortex tour Jeep that they're driving around Why would they give her a regular fucking vehicle? Because that is someone's car that is like the second ad or something. Well, yes, what am I saying? This movie doesn't have a second?

This movie had one minute of credits No, no. This movie had one minute of credits. So yeah, but that car, look, I've been a New Yorker my entire adult life. I know nothing about cars. That car looks like a little red wagon got souped up by a 16 year old boy. It does. I don't know what that is. It does. And of course, the real answer to this question is that somebody wanted that car to be tax deductible. So they put her in it, right. But they're like, oh, the bad guys are at my place. And it's like, yeah, weird that they would just park out front with their big where the bad guys and we're at your place banner.

He goes, don't worry, they don't know who I am. We'll go to my place. Like, why would they not know who you are? Right. You fucking idiots. Why would you assume what they didn't didn't know at this point? And then so they drive to his place. And as soon as they drive in, there's like a lady outside walking her dog. But she's a bad guy, not an evil dog walker is nothing sacred.

She pulls out this fucking walkie talkie and she extends the fucking the the antenna. It's like the the Joker's gun and Tim Burton's Batman. Right. He's like 15 feet a hose that comes out of this thing. Gentlemen, actually something is just occurring to me in this moment and maybe you have an answer for me because again, you are far more versed in this genre than I am, but they are looking for a safe place

to hide from the Antichrist, right? Mm-hmm. Yes, that is correct. What about a church? Why did that never occur to anyone? Yeah. Because they're everywhere. They're all over the fucking place. Yeah.

Is that not hallowed ground? Is that not like the big weakness when you encounter these things? Or at the very least, it's a pretty big, you know, you're pretty, you got a pretty good bet that nobody there is on their side, right? Right. Yeah. You might get a kindly none. Yeah. It's OK. So then they go to his place and they try to do the whole his apartment sure is dirty trope.

Yeah. But they've like clearly they've gone in there and they've like neatly laid three newspapers and a pair of underwear like here and there. It's like it's like a neat person trying to make it messy. Yeah. As a man who has an apartment who had an apartment so dirty that once when Noah stayed over he accidentally compulsively cleaned my entire apartment Hey, I only clean the bathroom in the kitchen Those are the important ones followed the line of filth yeah, yeah, yeah, I actually this scene Followed the line of filth. Yeah.

Yeah. I actually, this scene made me believe that the woman who played the lead in this deserved like a cable ace award or something because she's looking at this apartment with there's a coffee table with like two plates of old food and two coffee mugs and just a bottle of ketchup on it. And she is still acting attracted to this man. Yes. And you know what?

Yeah. She's working through something there. She is. Oscar clip. Oscar clip. Yeah. So, but and then this is the choice that she makes that blows me away. Right. So she sees the bad guys pull up outside and so she sits down in the chair and she goes,

well, that's great. Now the people that want to kill us are right here. What are we going to do now? Smarty pants. You know, she has this like, you know, that like, like she treats the people that want to kill her finding them the way you treat it when like the airport has changed your gate for a second time. You know, yeah, throughout the whole fucking movie, she has all of the assurance of someone

of a true believer. I guess that's it, right? Like she genuinely doesn't fear death. It just means she'll get to see God sooner. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Yeah, you've answered it So, okay, so then he's like I got oh, I got an idea So he calls Sally who Sally fuck you fuck you for asking

He says Sally can I borrow your truck and he's like, all right. Love you too, Sally Uh-huh. We will never hear from Sally again. This is such a weird fucking detail in the movie We're gonna hear about her. Yeah, if Sam Jensen has a power in this movie It is that he will constantly borrow the cars of people One-way trips, yes, right. What was going on in LA in the 80s? Right, Sally will never get her fucking truck back here. You just walk downstairs one morning, fuck, Sam has my car. Damn it. Again. He's going to crash this shit off a bucket. It's like Toontz is having your car. You're fucking him.

Toontz's. Toontz's reference. Excellent. Thank you. Thank you. I'm glad I didn't throw out a Toontzis reference when nobody was going to get it. He's never felt more supported or help. I'm not here next week. Paul is. I suspect I might also be an old with Noah. Yeah, right. Right.

So, okay. So Sam slips into the old lady costume he keeps in his go bag. Don't ask. Oh, I thought he went to Sally's and borrowed her clothes. Okay, that could be it too. Yeah. And in a wig. Yeah, because it implies that Sally is a 78 year old woman.

I mean, this is some quick drag we are talking about here. Yeah, he's got to keep his pants on because that dress is not going to cover the boost knuckle that we saw earlier. It would be unleashed and that's nobody wants that. He's trying to serve taco and all he's got is sausage. He needs to keep your pants on. So yeah, so they go out and of course, again, the people are trying to kill them. She's giggling.

She's like, you're in a dress and a wig. And then we're reminded like terrifying reminder of how transphobic our country really used to be her line is you could get arrested for dressing like that. Laughter, laughter, laughter. Yeah. Wow. So they drive away, they get past the fucking Keystone comrades again, and then they go to the bank, right? He's going to get some money.

Now Jenny already knows apparently that the Antichrist will have put a stop on all of his bank accounts, but instead of being like, no, don't try to get money. Then they'll know where we are. She's like, okay, but if the Antichrist put a stop on your bank accounts and knows where we are, you got to buy me dinner. Why would she do that, guys? I have no explanation for this one. This is the opportunity for the bad guys to put a tracking device the size of I'm going

to say a loaf of bread inside their car. Everything was so big in the 80s, including this guy's cock. So, yes. So but he goes into the bank and he's like, hey, I need some money. And they're like, no, sorry, Antichrist told me, like Antichrist told Han. Like, hey, what are you going to do? Yeah. What are you going to do? It happens. You know, isn't it weird that this is going to be one of the antiquated things we're going to have to explain about this movie someday is like, Hey, kids, sorry, a bank used to have a person in it.

I know now it's a line of ATMs and you can use your eye scan to technically get your money out of. But I swear there was once a human being in that building. They had a name and everything. So yeah, so then he's like, well, where should we go? And she's like, let's drive out to the desert to meet my wise uncle. And he's like, well, I mean, this is not my truck. Sure. Yeah. OK. All right.

Yeah. Let's just drive into the desert. She's like, look, you know, the apocalypse is coming soon. If it happens and we see Sally in heaven, we'll apologize. If not, well, you know, oh well. Yes. So meanwhile, okay. Meanwhile, the Antichrist is dictating more of his evil plans into this tape recorder. And it's like the techno babble here is like when Heath fails to interrupt Eli in a sketch where he has to do some doses at the meeting because the Antichrist is like the laser fucking

Somebody in her god damnit Jay Leno's dad shouldn't have gone from laser to computer. I'm fucked But let's talk about what's vital about this scene Okay, cuz blah blah blah bad guy walks in where we're tracked him into the desert go go get him No, I don't care about any of that Here's what I need interpreted here's what I need Melody that's evil lady from earlier melody Rockwell. Yes. Yes first and last name. Yes melody Rockwell fucking Bechtel Melody Rockwell, fucking Bechdel death passing film, comes in and gives him the report on something. Who gives a shit? And he goes, great, thanks Melody.

Would you like to have dinner sometime? And she says, yes, I would. When? And he goes, no, I just wanted to know if you'd be interested. And then we never address it or talk about it ever again. Nope. This is to explain to the young men watching, A, how to neg somebody.

Yes. And B, once you're in a position of power, it is totally okay to ask out the people who are in your life. Yeah, of course. That's what that's for. It's okay. So, but then, you know, she leaves and he's like, oh, we've got a tracker on the truck, you know, we'll find him at any time.

And he's like, huh, we should call in the Cobra. I think Sam called in the Cobra a couple of times. The Cobra has been spotted. So and then after he says the the cobra, he does an actual unironic evil finger steeple. Guys, this movie has it all. It does. Delicious. Delicious.

So, okay. So then we cut back over to Jenny and Sam. They're arriving at our uncle's desert compound. Okay. The score here is like Family Ties just came back from a commercial break. Yes. Okay, the score here is like family ties just came back from a commercial break. Yes. Yeah.

It is the most bucolic, the lilting air that I've ever heard in a movie. Yeah, it's so fucking weird and just incongruous with everything that's going on. And she goes, you know, you'll like my uncle. He's an astronomer, stars and all that stuff. That's the goddamn line. He's an astronomer, stars and all that stuff. That's the goddamn line. He's an astronomer, stars and all that stuff. They know their audience. They believe in that.

Yeah, right. That kind of thing. They're trying to get grandma from turning it off. I ain't no Libra. Oh wait, no stars and all that stuff. It's okay. Right, right. That kind of astronaut.

She also says, my uncle raised me, but my parents were killed. Killed? What? Not died? K when my parents were killed. Killed? Not died? Killed? Yeah, killed. Kind of terrifying backstory. Are we hinting at here? What an active verb you've chosen for that story.

And when the uncle comes out to meet him, he says, Sam, we've heard a lot about you, but no, you haven't. Why would you? Because we have been with Jenny from the moment she met Sam. Did she sneak off and make a phone call sometime during the getting chased around by people that wanted to kill them? Sorry, Sam. I've just got to duck in and tell my uncle all about it.

So they're going in to meet Uncle Paul. There was a time up till around 1985, every single American had an Uncle Paul. Yep. Can I tell y'all? My name is Paul. I had two uncles, Paul. Oh, there you go. And I am currently an Uncle Paul to a nephew who's named Paul. Oh, wow. It's a disease. We found like the root of it. Yeah, exactly. Where all the Pauls are issuing from. Yeah. Yeah. It's one of my husband's least favorite facts about me.

So, OK, so as they're meeting Uncle Paul, the bad guys pull up to evil synth music. Right. So now so then it's time to grind the already standing still movie to a halt and preach at us for a bit. Yeah. And this is a scene that you get in every Christian movie where it's like, all right, you've had your fun with your chase scenes and your love interests and whatnot, but it's time to talk about Jesus now. Right. And the entree for this is Sam going, huh, you're a Christian, huh? Well, you know, a lot of people think that scientists are all atheists. And then he says, there's a lot of scientists

that are Christians. Boys, are those Christian scientists? Is that what they're referring to? That's where we find them. He goes, no, a lot of Christians are scientists or Christians, are you familiar with compartmentalization as a concept? You know what I mean?

So he starts talking about Jesus shit. And this is the shit that the right-wing jackasses are meant to beat off to in this film to begin with. Right. This is the fantasy. He goes, Wow, Paul, I'm impressed with your faith and your research. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Rewind that part. You can hear the repression orgasm. If you put your ear to the ground. Yeah. Yeah. We get this whole long dunking on those damn atheist moment that the Christian movies just live for. At some point in the scene, he asks, what's the first thing you do when you get a tip

from someone for a story? According to this film, the first thing he does, he says he's completely uninterested in it is it could place him in harm's way. Right. That's the first thing to do. That actually is. Wrong question. So then he's like, you know, he reads from the Bible a little bit.

He curiously chooses not to read the part about the stars falling onto the earth. But instead he goes inside where he's set up his fucking middle school science project. Diorama. It is truly a middle school science project. You could not describe it better. It's the craziest shit. He's got, he's got. It is truly a middle school science project. You could not describe it better. It's the craziest shit. He's got, he's got. It would win the science fair.

Oh yes, absolutely. No, it's a good science project. This is my best worst. Okay. And I was so excited for this because I was like, so basically what he explains is that when the Antichrist comes, the planets will align and that planet will cause tidal activity in the magma under the earth's plates and that will Cause all the disasters that makes the end of the world happen during the Antichrist time. Yes. Sounds right to me

We've heard a lot of Christian bullshit But I hadn't heard that Christian bullshit. And so I, here on episode 518 of Godawful Movies, was like, ooh, new Christian bullshit. And sure enough, this was a very popular thing during the quote unquote alignment of the planets of the late 70s and early 80s. Oh, okay. You learn something every day. Yeah, well, and then the alignment happened, of course, and nothing happened. But they get it wrong and they get it so stupidly wrong.

I'm the resident space nerd for our show. They get it so stupidly wrong that I was just apoplectic. Like Paul and Eli each have like seven or eight notes about this fucking thing. I have a hundred and four. Right. And I've got like charts and stuff like that. My two. So he shows he's got this magnetic thing where he shows all where the planets are. And he's like, you know, in however many years,

all of the planets will form a 60 degree arc around our sun, just like this. And he moves one planet, he moves Jupiter, which is apparently gonna move independent of all of the other planets. And- It's tough to make it happen that way. It is, yeah, right.

No, you really got it. You really gotta work at this shit. And on top of that, he doesn't move it into a place where it would make a 60 degree arc with any of the other planets, right? None of the, like, I mean, I guess you could make a 60 degree arc out of three of the planets here and there or whatever, but like Neptune and Uranus

are way to fuck over on this. He keeps saying they're all gonna be aligned and they're like, they're not aligned on the thing. You can put them wherever the fuck you want on the thing. You fucking idiots. But yeah, but he's explaining, you can't have the planets go all parentheses. That's how you get antichrists, right?

And then he's like, are you sure about all the astronomy? Here he's like, well, let me take you over to this series of poster boards with multiple photos depicting the end of the world that I also have prepared in case I have to have this conversation with people. Do you think he would be more successful if he had put the moon in the seventh house and just align Jupiter with Mars? Oh, there you go.

Right? Thank you fellow old. I don't think Eli got that one. He goes at one point, he goes, Jupiter dominates the solar system. And I'm like, I feel like the sun dominates. This is the one that we named it after. So, you know, but yeah, but he does all of this shit, explains how Jupiter's alignment is going to give us a bunch of extra gravity.

Meanwhile, we cut to the fucking bad guys outside. They've fallen asleep and are snoring like a couple of fucking cartoon characters. Again the violent shift in tone from and then God will bring forth the fires of Hades to... Shas. People couldn't agree how serious the apocalypse was. I don't know. Yeah. What are they going for? So we see that and then meanwhile, Aunt Belle and Jenny are in the kitchen doing lady work. They literally are washing dishes.

And you think to yourself, well, I mean, you know, Aunt Belle and Jenny, I mean, we do have two named female characters talking to each other. And Mel goes, so are you in love with Sam? Is he your love interest? God damn it. So close. So you couldn't talk about the apocalypse for two fucking sentences? Two fucking sentences. So we ask.

Yeah. But she's like, no, he's not the love interest. And she's like, yes, he is. He's obvious because you're the only, he's the only male. You're a woman and he's a man and it's the 80s. Stop it. That's how it works He's self-centered egotistical and stubborn and she forgets to mention the fact that he's packing heat which we all know but yeah fashion trends in the 80s So and she's and of course the way this is supposed to play is that that aunt Bell is you know?

Trying to find out if they're interested But the way it plays in in reality is that Belle is going to hit that if Jenny doesn't want it. Right. Because she saw that moose knuckle too. Yeah. So you're saying he's free. So yeah. Right. So she denies it. And then we cut back to Paul still droning on about the rapture to Sam. And this is the point where I started to imagine it. Our remake of this movie, where we just insert Heath into this situation and the whole scene is him just desperately trying to change the subject. Oh, is that a cornhole board? Oh, man. Oh, I love corn. Oh, you're still talking about Jupiter. He's like, no, you have more charts. You have. All right. Well, okay. All right. Well, then.

This is just the first room in my exhibit. Well, the love interest comes out in the scene and she's like, Aunt Belle thought you might like a fresh cup of coffee, Uncle Paul. And look, lying is a sin, bitch. And I think you should know that. Like, isn't this your area? You poured that cup of coffee and brought it out. Aunt Belle didn't say shit.

She wanted to talk about thick dick, the big headed moose that your friend is packing. Yeah. And so she comes out to give him coffee and then Aunt Bell comes out and she says, hey, I think there's some henchmen right outside the house. And she said, they're like, well, how would you know? She's like, I heard them snoring. Get that poor man a CPAP machine. How loud is he snoring? So so he's like, I'll go get the truck.

Well, actually, he says I'll go get the jeep. They keep referring to this fucking thing as a jeep. It's not a jeep. It's a fucking Chevy Blazer. God damn it. It's Sally's car. Sally's fucking truck. Yeah. And then there's this great fucking another amazingly sexist 80s moment where Paul's like, hey, Bill, you go in there and get food because you're a lady. I'll help Sam start his own truck because trucks are men and food are ladies.

So, OK, so now they're going to push their truck past the sleeping bad guys. And if you think it to yourself, well, is the car going to squeak like that one tank in Trump's parade as they go by just to make this as maximally bugs bunny cartoon as possible? Yes, indeed it is. Yeah. Uh huh. They also say like they're getting into the car and Jenny's like, what about you guys? And Uncle Paul's like, they don't have anything on us yet. And it's like, I don't think the Antichrist needs evidence to murder you. That's the whole point. You're the one trying to tell us he's the Antichrist, you dumbass.

Yeah. So and then we get the bad guys and they wake up and they have this won't won't won't kind of a moment when they realize that the good guys have snuck up. But they're like, well, we still have a tracking device on their truck. So why the fuck were we sleeping right next to the house? They were. I just like spending time with you, Lou. Sometimes I get up and I like to look into your eyes. Sometimes I stand out in my yard at night and I imagine that when I'm going back

into my bedroom, instead of a still, it's you lying there. Sometimes when you hear that, I don't care what this world says. It feels right to me, Lou. It feels right. Sometimes I like to stand outside your window with a boombox over my head. Which is a much more impressive feat because it's the 1980s. It's very large. It's very large. They're so heavy. But I love you, Lou.

Can I just say one thing too? The fucking nuns. How beautiful the short story we just composed was. It was beautiful. It was beautiful if I do say so. But the fucking nuns in the sound of music had the intelligence to fucking sabotage the Nazi's car. Right. Why didn't no one slash their tires?

Right. Nothing. Nothing. So we have to believe that they pushed the truck off and then Paul and Belle were like, so. You want to play a game? No. Or right. Like they have the bad guys are sick.

Yeah. So OK. My wife and I have been reading Tropic of Capricorn. All right. Then. So. So. But yeah. So the good the bad guys head off to find them. And then we get salmon Jenny They're now lost in the middle of the desert Right because apparently that's you know, it's a relatively inexpensive place to film. I guess right where are they going? We don't know

Again we that information is not for us to have okay, as long as they didn't miss something. That's like God's ultimate plan. Yeah. She's like, I think we're lost. He's like, well, I thought you said you know where we're going. And she's like, well, it was dark. I don't think that's an excuse. And they look OK. So and then she goes into the back of the truck to check and see if there's a compass there.

That was not never a fucking thing. And don't you think if you grew up with an astronomer, you'd have a pretty good chance of being able to navigate by the stars? Good point. Yeah. So then and but then she goes to the back of the car. Nothing happens. And suddenly that bread box sized tracker falls off the truck. Gravity finally defeated it.

This lazy ass writer, Jesus fucking Christ. So she's like, Hey, what's this big giant beepy thing that fell off the truck? Is this something your friend had? And he's like, Oh, it's a tracker. Why the fuck would you know that? He's an intrepid reporter. Oh, no, you're right. Obviously, obviously, the intrepid reporter would know all about that. So yeah, so he's like, I've got a plan.

We'll drive across the desert because we're in a truck and they're in a car. So they'll get stuck when they try to to follow us. And he's like, oh, well, if we want him to follow us, we should probably take this tracker with us, huh? And he's like, no. We shouldn't for some reason. So then so they drive off, we get the the henchmen, they show up and they see the We shouldn't for some reason. So they drive off, we get the henchmen, they show up and they see the tracker sitting on the ground and now henchmen one is gun cockingly mad, right?

Yeah. He says, now we're going to kill him. He's like, wasn't our orders not to kill him? He's like, yeah, but I'm really mad. And I didn't you see me. I cocked my, I cocked my gun now. You know, you have to respect the ambition to be willing to go against the Antichrist because you're annoyed.

What did you think your job was? And then we cut to possibly the cartoonist goddamn scene in the movie. Right. So this is a Boris and Natasha scene. It genuinely is. So they're stuck. Now they're stuck in the desert because even this dumbass movie knows you can't off-road in a Chevy Blazer. So he's trying to push the car out, the truck out by himself.

And she says, hey, I've got an idea. Why don't you pray that we get the car on stock? And he's like, because Jesus was a carpenter, not an auto mechanic, you dumb asshole. Now, Paul, let me fill you in, okay? 500 Christian movies. Please. Let me explain. You never pray and it works unless it's a sick kid movie, but then even in a sick kid movie, you have to spend the whole movie praying before it works. The like, cardinal rule of Christian movies is that they don't just go,

little help here, God, and then instantly get what they ask for Yeah, it's not like an overnight delivery from Amazon. You have to wait for the package except except in motherfucking 1981 early warning where God gives them a little push a little little help And her prayer could not be more little help. She goes, and I quote, Father, I know you're kind of busy, but do you think you could give us a little push? And it works.

And then she tries it again and the truck just goes. And he falls down face first in the mud when it happens. This score here sounds like you just defeated a level at Super Mario Brothers. Yes. Angel Michael walks into God's office. Sir, weren't you going to take care of the AIDS crisis today? Ah, shit, I was helping out Jenny's car. Sorry.

I missed my window. How bad could it be? And then, okay, so then they giggle their way off. Along come the bad guys and the bad guys go, you know, bad guy two says to bad guy one, he's like, well, should we follow him into the desert? I don't know that our car can make it. And he goes, nah, it doesn't matter.

They're driving aimlessly in the desert. They're gonna die anyway. And he's like, that's a great point. Yeah. Why wouldn't they think of that? Someone thinks outside the box here. Yeah, and then it turns out he's right. We see their car run out of gas and he's like, right.

The desert doesn't have gas stations. Fuck. Whoops. Yeah. Oh, I wish what he said is the desert doesn't have gas stations. What he actually says is trigger warning for the racism of the 1980s. And there probably isn't an Arab around here for miles. I was genuinely shocked by that. Yeah.

The rest of the movie has been I mean, it's just a sign of the times, obviously. Right. Yeah. I think the movie is striving to be kind of. Inoffensive, except it's like pushing of the Christian, you know, whatever you want to call it, like when they said that, I was like, wow, that racism was really just baked in. That they didn't even, it didn't even trip up the writer. Be like, oh no, I can make an Arab joke. Not even a joke reference here or whatever.

Right, right. So they have to wander out into the desert, right? So we get a wandering in the desert montage. The score is now essentially the opening to Danny's song by Loggins and Messina. Or like, it's like, I've been through the desert on a horse with no name. Like, what is this lilting, like, whoop, boop, boop, everything's fine kind of music. Oh my God. Well, and also consider what's going on in this story right now. Because, okay, so we do not know at this point whatever happened to that cassette tape, right? Our characters have given us no indication that they know

about it or have it, right? So they know nothing. They have nothing. They're going nowhere that we know about and nobody's pursuing them anymore is what's happening in the movie. So what I learned this while I was talking with you with you guys today, I thought he taped the cassette tape under the mailbox. So I was waiting for Sam to go find it. And so I spent the entire movie being like, where the fuck is the cassette tape that set this entire thing off? Right.

What's the MacGuffin of the movie and they haven't established where it is. Right. So at the very least, we assumed at this point that someone was going to find it and that was going to be a big moment. Pin in that huge fucking pin in that. But now we've got these actors, they're supposed to be walking through the desert. They've been walking through the desert all day, except neither of them has sweat at all.

Their hair is still feathered. She's still wearing her jacket. And look, I'm sure everyone listening is assuming this both of these people are white Oh, I even Mediterranean. Oh, yeah, these are a party Irish Celtic stock Yeah, not a drop of sardinian swar thena. No, they would be lobsters at the end of this day. Oh my god Yeah, so but they're walking through she needs a break, right? Because she's a lady He's a man so he doesn't need a break But they take a break for her and and this is where they have the and and this is you find this in a lot

Of Christian movies. This is the moment where he goes. Wow, I thought you'd be more stuffy But you're actually very cool despite being a Christian and I think that you're just swell Right. It's another fantasy that they like to live in their films. Right after we admit how good their arguments are and how impressed we are by their faith, we also mentioned that they're pretty cool. Yes. When you think about it. Yeah. Well, and then, and then as if it's not enough of their bullshit fantasy, he now

would like to know a little bit more about that accepting Jesus Christ as one's Lord and Savior. Okay, but here's the thing. Like I said, we've seen a lot of tell me more about Jesus Christ your Lord and Savior in these movies, but not a lot of saying that and then instantly taking on the facial expression that I take on when someone starts to talk about Jesus. It looks like she's actively wet shitting into a bucket the entire time she's explaining. So yeah, so this movie grinds, it's already standing still self to a halt again to talk about Jesus. And then we see the

Antichrist in a helicopter over the desert. And I will say, after something like conservatively like 70 Rapture movies that we've watched, 70 Apocalypse movies we've watched. I think I can say definitively that helicopter is the vehicle of choice for Antichrist. Interesting. I would have guessed it was the funicular. Oh yeah. That's a big one. That was just the weirdest mode of transportation I could come up with. That's pretty good. I would have gotten penny farthing. So you beat me. I think you beat me out on that. So great.

They're always in heli- occasionally yachts, right? We see them, but they usually take off from the yacht in a helicopter. How much of this movie's budget do you think was spent on this helicopter? One hundred percent. Two thirds. Yeah. There is so much from this moment on. This will be a movie about this helicopter. They rented hundred percent, right?

So okay, so and okay So what we've established is that these two people have just wandered out into the desert the Antichrist knows this Mm-hmm, right, but he's flying around in the helicopter Anyway, just to see if he happens to to notice two people in the entirety of the desert to notice two people in the entirety of the desert. Here's a rule for you, future filmmakers. Your desert can either be small enough to search by helicopter or big enough for two people to die of thirst while wandering through it.

It cannot be both. Thank you, thank you, yes. So yeah, and then they like hear the helicopter coming and they're like, oh, that's probably the Antichrist. And I'm like, why would you fucking think that? Like, I've watched all these movies and know he rides in helicopters. But why would you know that? Right. Right. But they hide from him. He flies by. And then we watch a lot more helicopter footage. But then they land the helicopter at the big hotel where they're going to have the council meeting, which is, you know, they've set up several times as the big act three moment of the film,

right? Henchman number one comes up to him at this point and he says, good news, the good guys got lost in the desert and they're wandering out there. They'll die of thirst at some point. And he goes, oh, well, it looks like we might not need the Cobra after all. Flash cut to the Cobra all disappointed, getting his parking validated. I was picturing Cobra commander at that point. So he's got the silver helmet on.

He's like, it's actually, it's pretty hot in here. I don't go out a lot. Just so you know, I have never been more upset than I was at the prospect of not meeting the Cobra. Check your wallets. We are being robbed as we speak. Yes. All right. Well, I'll tell you what.

This movie is pretty sure it's got a full blown plot going here and I don't have the hard to tell it otherwise. So we're going to take another break. But first, let me give Act 3 the hard sell here. Are they going to allude to a person called the Cobra and then never introduce them? Will they instead finally bring the Cobra in four minutes before the end of the movie only to have them not really do anything? Why the fuck would they do that?

Find out the answers to two thirds of these questions and more when we return for the Things Are Finally Getting Started conclusion of Early Warning. Okay, what about Podsplosion? No, we don't use them either. Man! Hey guys, whatcha doin'? I'm comparing podcast subscriptions with Paul. It turns out they don't use any of the podcast

promotion stuff that we do. We? We don't use any podcast promotion stuff. I might have signed up for a few on my own. Got it. And have any of those worked for you? No. Yeah, sorry.

Well, look, it's never been easier to unsubscribe from the stuff you forgot about with Rocket Money. What's Rocket Money? Seriously, Paul. Noah told me about the points while you were in the bathroom. Judas! Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

Well, how's it do that? cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Well how's it do that? Rocket Money shows you all your expenses in one place, including subscriptions you forgot about. If you see a subscription you no longer want, Rocket Money will help you cancel it. Amazing. Rocket Money will even try to negotiate lower bills for you. The app automatically scans your bills to find opportunities to save and then goes to

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Go to rocketmoney.com slash awful movies today. That's rocketmoney.com slash. Go to rocketmoney.com slash awful movies today. That's rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. Rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. All right, Noah. Thanks. Oh, what about iTunes pumper dot com? Definitely not. You know what? That's actually for something else anyways. Ew.

Sorry, boss. They got away again. It's no matter. That's why we brought our friend here. Gentlemen, meet the Cobra. Hello. She'll be taking care of our little problem. That's right. They'll never see me coming when I shoot them from my helicopter.

Oh, you're gonna shoot them? From a helicopter. Yes And why you called the Cobra? It's just that's my code name. Yeah, right. No, obviously it's your code name I just assumed you like poison people or something. No, no, I just I shoot them from my helicopter So not at all like a Cobra. Oh, maybe you could call yourself the, oh, what's that bird that dives super fast? Peregrine falcon. That's it, you should call yourself the falcon. My code name is the cobra. Fine, fine, got it.

I'm also a woman. Yeah, we see. Like the riddle with the surgeon. Yeah, no, we got it. Ha ha ha. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin Jenny and Sam still walking aimlessly through the desert. Like if they've established a direction that they're even fucking walking, we haven't been privy to it.

Remind me, does anyone wander through a desert in the Bible? How's it go for them? Could this represent something by any chance? No, no, no, no. Okay. So, okay, but they get through the entire fucking day. She still has the jacket on. You still don't have any sweat on them either.

Neither of them are dusty. It's fucking hilarious. They're so phoning this shit in. I can't imagine what his the situation with his moose knuckle is at this point. That is an abraded sack to the level of... Oh yeah, no. That's a haggis at this point, right? What's that fish that they bury, the shark that they bury in Sweden? Yeah.

Yeah. So yeah, she's like, I can't go any further. And he's like, all right, I'll find you. I'll find a safe place for us to sleep for the night. Cut to them sleeping on a rock. Then just out in the open. Out in the open. Open desert, yeah. Just laying on a fucking rock. What did you do?

This rock is flat. But it's not. Cook evenly on it. Yes, right. I have to say, no matter how tired I am, if I'm being chased by the Antichrist, I think I might skip a night's sleep. I might think. Yeah, just go, just go. Yeah. Oh, sure. Everybody says that, right? Everybody says when I get cast in the big part, I'll learn how to dance. And if I was being chased by the Antichrist, I wouldn't need sleep. So, okay, so we do

this night dissolve, they're sleeping on this rock and a rattlesnake shows up, right? Because something has to happen. Now remind me, do snakes appear in the Bible? Well, here's the thing. Okay. So one of the magic powers you get for being a Christian is that you can withstand snake poison. Oh, right.

That's one of your specific powers that you get in the book of Matthew. So like the fact that she's scared of this snake just proves that she doesn't really believe in Jesus. Okay. All right. Good to know. I had never heard that. That's a new one for me. Oh yeah. No, that's the snake handling. That's what that's all based on. Yeah. Okay. But yeah. So and then of course, like it's so stupid because they have this snake, but they've introduced a character named the Cobra to the movie.

Yeah. But this is a rattlesnake. So there's multiple snakes going on now. I mean, but at the very least, I thought that this was like the calling card of the cobra, letting them know I'm on to you. But it's not. It's an unrelated snake. Unrelated snake. Yeah. So the snake is sneaking up on him and it's about to attack when suddenly Cletus shoots it with an AR-15. This desert hillbilly is just he is downright unwelcoming. Yeah. I thought they were saved for a minute.

Yeah. So yeah, so this random hillbilly goes, I shot your snake, but now you have five seconds to tell me what you're doing here. I've already started counting. Okay. Now this is another first for me, discovering fresh new things, because I have seen probably hundreds of examples in my life of I'm gonna count to blank warnings in movies.

This is, I will say, the first time a character has done that count inside their head. And Shani defeats the purpose of the count. What number are you on, Matt? I have to know the pace. And also, as soon as someone says that, just say something. They both say silent. They're deer in the fucking headlights. Yeah.

I think they were just thinking about the implications of what he had said. Because honestly, I would have done the same thing. I would have been like, why would you say that? Five, back. Oh, no. Right. But she says we ran out of gas and he's like, huh, all right, let me walk into this other scene. Now, I have a fun fact for you.

Usually Heath does the fun facts, but I've got a fun fact while Heath's off. This actor is the actor that played the homeless guy that sees Marty's return in Back to the Future one and Back to the Future two, where they do that. Like he goes to that same scene again. Uh huh. And the lead actor, the guy with the with the giant dick, if you recognize him at all, it's because he was one of young Biff's gang members in Back to the Future 2.

So this is something like a like a preview of that movie. If you think about it, early warning from 1981 is part of the Back to the Future. It has to be. Do we think Biff's gang member got the random homeless guy the job as Desert Hillbilly as Cletus? Oh, I know. This came well before Back to the Future 2, so I'm wondering if it went the other way around.

Yeah. Right. Of course. Of course. Yeah, right. Of course, of course. Yeah, so okay, so So yeah, he takes him to a fucking a camp a military camp in the desert Where a shirtless guy is demonstrating wrist control. I cannot make this fucking shit Wait before we get to the camp. Can I say one quick thing? I wish you would. What's your name? Jenny has this line where she goes, some hero you turned out to be a bitch.

I told you I don't care who's dead as long as it isn't me. Right. I never said I was a hero. Yeah, none of this was me. This is all your bullshit. Right. So Cletus takes me. They pass some water and they get some water out of the waterfall to drink.

And then they go to this camp and there's you got the risk control guy. You got a lady giving a prepper class on how to find potable water in the apocalypse. We have child soldiers, child soldiers in this economy? Yes. So, but eventually Cletus sits him down at this fucking, this class that Roscoe's teaching on handgun maintenance. Yeah, and so this is, I call him Wish Peter Falk. Oh, OK. Oh, I called him Amish gun toting Grandpa Walton.

Yes. Very good. I called him our sides Fidel Castro. So, yeah, all right. Yeah, all work. Yeah, for sure. And he's now look, I don't know. I think it's fair to say that I am the only person who's ever taken any kind of gun class I will say this is an entirely accurate depiction of Every gun related class I've ever taken gun safety Target shooting at some point the man at the front does go and when I need to kill and you go, ah, man What he's saying might, but his fucking gun safety protocol, the shirt of fuck is.

Oh, he's picking his teeth with it. It's nine. Ask. It's amazing. He's constantly waving the loaded gun in front of everybody with his finger on the trigger like like honestly, he's being unsafe for the prop gun that he's using. Yeah. And what's so funny about it, right, is he's waving this gun around, right? He's holding it in his teeth. He's putting the barrel in his mouth while he ties his shoe. And then the end of his speeches, and if you ever point your gun at me, I'll shoot you. My man, you've been using your gun as a laser pointer during the presentation. To point at us and whose question you are about to answer.

Yeah. So yeah. And then he's like, you know, he gets done with his class and cleanness is like, I found these guys wandering in the desert. He's like, I know who they are. I've been listening to the one world government radio broadcasts about them all afternoon. So apparently the one world government radio broadcasts are not encoded in any way. Not at all.

Just Delilah on the one world radio broadcast. Still big shout outs to Jenny and Slade hoping you guys make it home from the desert. Here's Ten Ten Wings. Wind beneath my wings. Yes. I was trying to think of an 80s song. Kind of. So, OK. So but then he's like, get them cleaned up. We'll have lunch together. So they get cleaned up. And again, neither of them had a hair out of place for their

days sleeping in the fucking desert. But they get cleaned up. They gave Moose Knuckles some talcum powder. Yeah, that's really what it was. Yeah, right. It was mostly just about drying that junk. We can smell it at this way. It's just it's just bad. We could like see that the burn marks. This is our elephant's foot. Yeah. Right. Right. So but so now he's got they're going to talk with fucking Fidel Kettle. Jeff is the character's name. Jeff, the the gun trainer guy.

And he's just going to give him a fucking prepper's wet dream for a little while. I teach people to survive. Are you accredited? Like, do I get a diploma at the end of this class? I have a gun, and if you have a gun, I will shoot you with my gun before you shoot me with your gun. Yeah. God damn it. And what's amazing is he's giving them this classic prepper speech, right?

Of like, what would you do if society collapsed, right? And you're supposed to be flummoxed by this question, right? You're supposed to be like, oh, I'd be lost and alone! People have never collectively figured out what to do in a place and a time before! But they actually give the correct answer. They're like, well, we assume there would be police and soldiers, and he's like, cops and soldiers, and I'm like, like my man there are ten of you and three of you are kids. So yeah so but he's like you know I'm gonna shoot you guys with my gun if you piss me

off and they're like well we won't piss you off can we go? And he's like yeah you can go. I gotta say my Spidey sense was tingling about this entire thing. And these two jabronis just like, great. He's going to let us go. Yeah. But there's also like a whose side are we supposed to be on kind of a thing that goes on here. Right. Because I like you have to remember at night in 1981, these two groups

had not entirely merged yet. Right. Like the preppers and the Christian apocalypse nutters. But like they serve they always shared a seat at the table. Right. So so I don't you know, I really don't know. It like it feels like we're supposed to like this guy. We're supposed to be on this guy's side. But then he sells him out, right. He sells him out to the Antichrist at this point. I think he's supposed to be the example of like the wrong way to prepare for the end

of the world. Oh, it's like when we explain to people that we're an atheist podcast and there's sort of that pause where I'm like, we focus on social justice and its relationship to theocracy and they're like, okay, you're not. Oh, what is it? Because we were, okay. It's like there's multiple ways to blow somebody, but the one without teeth is the right way. Exactly. And now we've all related to it in our own special way. So, okay.

So, so he's like, yeah, we'll let you go, but we got to blindfold you and drive you out to like, so you don't know where our desert camp is. And they're like, you're underestimating how good we are at not knowing where we are, but okay. All right. You're underestimating how good we are at not knowing where we are, but okay. Alright. So he drives him out and so and then like they drop him off and then the two of them sit there with their fucking blindfolds on in a little while and she goes like, so who's Sally?

Oh God. Is that your girlfriend? Whose truck we're in right now? Is it serious with her? Is she a 78 year old woman that you took her clothes? Yeah, right, because it looks like you were trying to look like a 78 year old woman. But when they take their blindfolds off, the Antichrist is right there, survivalist guy. Turn them in. Okay, so I was pretty kind to this actress before, because I do think she's actually not terrible, but her line reading on, Sam,

they turned to sin, those creeps, they turned to sin is terrible. Yeah. Genuinely. Not her best word. I think she may have realized what she was doing at this point, like the quality of film that she was making the wedding time they filmed this scene. Oh no. So yeah, so then they bring these two to the hotel.

They bring Jenny and Sam to the hotel the bad guys do and there's this amazing moment where like henchmen one throws Jenny down to the ground and The Antichrist is like hey man be discreet and then he throws Sam to the ground the exact same way He also says I'll deal with them after the council meeting. Just fucking kill them. You're the Antichrist. Right. What are you dealing with here? Yeah.

He's like, well, lock them in storage until the end of the meeting. So they lock them in storage. Now this door that they're locked in, but you if you leaned against that door, it would open, right? Like you, it doesn't even take a swift kick. A slow kick would do the trick. Right. It doesn't even take a swift kick. A slow kick would do the trick, right? In fact, not only that, there are multiple locking mechanisms on the ins, on their side

of the door. So at this point, I like scrolled over my Tubi screen and I saw that there are 20 minutes left in the movie and I'm really starting to question, how is this movie going to end? And I want to tell everyone that in every single scenario that I came up with, I didn't come close to how this movie ends. So the real fun I had, because by the time I got to this part of the movie, you had overtaken me in the notes and so I could sort of see your notes as I was writing mine. And my fun adventure from this point. So there is an entire genre of movies, damn near,

in Christian moviedom. That is, we made the first movie about the rapture because nothing really has to happen that costs much money there in hopes that it would make us enough money to make a second and third movie about the rapture, right? So we've watched so many of these aborted trilogies where what happens at the end is absolutely nothing, but they've set up everything that could

happen in the next one if they had three times the budget of this one. You know? Yeah. So so I knew how that was going. But watching your notes where you're expecting there to be some kind of denouement or something like that, a money shot of some sort during all of this action. Your hope was adorable at this point. We were rooting with you. Thank you.

Thank you. I try. So, OK, so but then they're locked in the room and there's they have this amazing conversation where he's like, wow, you know, I'm pretty bummed. Are you bummed? And she's like, yeah, I was really looking forward to watching the world and from this side, from like, I have to watch from the top. Like the bottom has the better view. I had floor seats and they're being taken away.

Yes, I'm going to be in the balcony. That fucking sucks. So, but then they have some more of this boring ass Christian conversation where she's like, well, you know, you can just tell by all the prophecies that are being fulfilled right now that like, well, I mean, I don't know when the rapture is going to happen, but it certainly won't take another 44 years from the time this movie is released. It couldn't possibly. Definitely not. No, any minute now.

Or our religion would be, or at least this interpretation of our religion would have to be wrong. Everyone in this movie will not be dead by the time the apocalypse happens. I can tell you that. Couldn't be that. Yeah. So and then she goes, nickel for your thoughts. So it can make a little inflation joke.

But like a writers bring it in. If you ever have a character say penny for your thoughts or some derivative of that, you have failed as a writer try again Delete the last couple pages and start again Unless you have someone holding a character named penny on an altar with a knife over her throat You can't say okay, you're right. That would be that would be a clever the one opportunity. Well done. Yeah, exactly So yeah, so he she's like maybe it's time for you to pray and he's like I don't know how to pray.

Bingo card check out the box everybody. Another of their little fantasies I wrote in my notes. It's easy. You just put your lips together and blow. Smoke up your own ass. But yeah, but he's like, hey, wait a minute. I just remembered I know how to pick this kind of lock with a credit card and have a credit card. I bet you flunked to pick this kind of lock with a credit card and have a credit card

I bet you flunked out of crime school. Didn't you not a joke? Nope, not a joke No, and then he goes no, I got straight a's and unlocks the door still not a joke. No, not a follow-up. Yeah So and then they sneak out now There are two guards standing out the door these two guards entire fucking job is facing this door. Right? But they happen to be looking the other way, joking around because the goddamn Illuminati have the dumbest guards imaginable.

They're fixing their turtlenecks to make sure that they're like, they're not, they're not bunching up. Yes, right, right. Yeah, exactly, exactly. You have to have regulation turtlenecks at all fucking times. So, so yeah, so they run away. The bad guys see him as they're running away. So we have another one

of this movie's amazing chase scenes. Yeah. They go to shoot them and the other guy goes, no, you'll upset the other guests. What? What? So this is just a working hotel for the general population. Yeah. There's a family from Idaho staying in room 21 B next to the kidnap leader of the ranch I guess they had already booked their fucking room before we knew we were gonna try and there's just no way like Some tiktokers walking through here's the secret cabal room in a resort that you don't know about you don't know about. Let's take a look inside. Oh, God, I fucking hate this. Ah.

So they make it to the Chevy blazer, which the good guys have conveniently left, left them with the keys to and drove there. So they make it away. That's true. Why would they do that? So they drive away.

And then the bad guy, the anti-crisis, like, so now it's time to send in the Cobra. I'm like, I think before it was time to send the Cobra. I think we can all agree. Sam hears him, he pulls a UE, drops Trow, Cobra's here guys. The Cobra was here the whole time. Cut to the Cobra sitting at his gate at the airport, gets his text.

Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me. Oh my God. Am I going to be reimbursed for both plane tickets because I swear to Satan I'm not coming all the way back there. So, okay. So then we cut to Uncle Paul and everybody's back at Uncle Paul's, right? So Jenny and Sam make it back to Uncle Paul's. Them, Uncle Paul and Aunt Belle are listening to the tape.

Yeah. How did they have the tape? I have no idea. That's where he was sent to, obviously. Yeah. Right. So I think what's supposed to have happened is that Uncle Paul was the guy that he sent the tape to, which means that the Antichrist was just chasing the wrong guy the whole time.

And it's fucking hilarious. I can't decide who's worse at their job. The heroes or the villains here, but neither one is doing a good job. No, exactly. Right, right. So yeah. So but then they're like, oh, so we've got the tape. Now you know, you can write your article or book or whatever it is.

We've changed our minds several times about what you're supposed to be writing about the Antichrist. I have a question about this scene. Did anyone else notice that the guy playing the uncle suddenly acquired a Sibyl and S pattern in his speech and it was like whistling? Just this scene, right? I think he like sipped overly hot tea before the take. And he was like, guys, it's not a problem. Don't worry about it.

Just Paul is going to notice. So the women folk leave, right? Well, so so Jenny kind of storms off at this point and Bell goes to bed. So the guys are left over and Paul's like, hey, man, do you know why she stormed off and and or sorry, Sam says that and Paul's like, well, you know, we have a problem here, Sam, you are the wrong religion. So awkward. Well, you know, we have a problem here, Sam. You are the wrong religion. So awkward.

I know you'd like to get laid and Jenny'd love to give it up, but I need you to say magic words to her invisible friends kid first. Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't Sam go like, hey, could you just become Christian so that the end of the world is chiller for you? And the uncle's like, I mean, yeah, you could be. Absolutely, yeah, that's good. We have an incredibly easy to cheat system. You should hear how child rape is getting to heaven.

It is really, it's flawed. All of them, pretty much all of them are there. It's so weird. This is the religious equivalent of becoming a Chicago Bulls fan in the 90s. Yeah, right. Exactly. Just jumping on when it gets good.

Yeah. So, yeah, he's like, but do you think God would really send people to hell just for not liking his son enough? And Uncle Paul's like, yes. Oh, yeah. Have you heard about this guy? Let me pull out a Bible. Here, Genesis, very first fucking book.

And I'm like, I've read the Bible. So I'm like, oh, this isn't going to be good. He's like, here's God flooding the whole fucking world because he was pissed at somebody's kid. You know, he's flooded babies and shit over that. You know, and we get, we get this fucking incredible moment again, like I am. The reason I love reviewing Christian movies is that they never fail to surprise me because we get this moment, right? where Sam says, but what if the world doesn't end and there is a pregnant pause and then the uncle goes, what if it does?

I laughed out loud. It's your movie. You don't have to put a question you don't have an answer to. It would be so easy to leave it out. Yeah. So, but he's like, so, hey, but, you know, so basically Uncle Paul looks right down the fucking center of the camera and goes, what if you're wrong, viewer, about your religious beliefs? And right then, you know, of course, Sam goes, well, what would I have to do? He says, just invite Christ into your heart and read this

fourteen hundred pages of nonsense. He says all I know is the Bible, which is a really tough look for his astronomy degree. Yeah, right. He apparently has. Hey guys, it turns out that there's no firmament. That's, ah, fuck. I'm, ah, I have no idea. God farted and that's just the particulate matter that came out.

So yeah, so Uncle Paul goes to bed and then Sam picks up the Bible, does not start at the beginning, just picks it up, starts somewhere in the middle of... Everyone knows Genesis. Yeah. Come on. You saw all that stuff in the preview basically. All of that stuff. So okay, so now with nine minutes left, including the fucking credits,

we're gonna meet the Cobra. Yeah. Now the big reveal is that the Cobra is a lady. We already spoiled that. Hashtag feminism. Yes, right? Right? Of course, I had to admit to my sexism, right? I was like, oh, you know, I had he all the way through my fucking notes. Movie got me. Yep. I do like though that the movie is so proud of the fact that the Cobra is a woman, right? It's like the first time an adult tried to tell you the surgeon riddle and you had to be like no I I I got why wouldn't have been doctors. Yeah, it's been a very long time and they were like no No, my woman and you're like guys I get it. Yeah, you've been married twice, right? Mr. Johnson And you're like, I get it. Yeah, you've been married twice, right? Mr. Johnson

So she's putting together this right ball and then she's got like the fucking actors headshots, right? I 11. Yes, a by 11 her contracts So my eyes aren't great. I don't want a little tiny picture. Give me a full-size thing. So, okay So then we cut to Sam he's heroically typing up the article. I wrote my notes. He writes. He writes in the movie. He does. That's part of it. Yeah. So and then Jenny comes in like she has just arrived in the fucking movie from Topeka. Right. So she's just like, well, you know, I thought maybe we would go for a picnic today. I'm like, what the fuck would you think that, Jenny?

What are you doing? What has been happening the last two days? She says, hey, do you think the people, the snipers that are trying to kill us are looking in this giant window? I should stand in front of it, huh? She like, I really thought she was going to get assassinated at that moment. Why would you do that? But she's like, I want to go for a picnic.

He's like, no, I'm doing Antichrist stuff. Like this is the whole movie. You've like, no, I'm doing Antichrist stuff like this. The whole movie you've been trying to talk me into doing this shit. So he's like, I got to go to town and do important reporter things. She says, I'm coming with you. And he goes, no, that felt Christian to me. Yeah, right. Yeah. Quiet woman. Yeah, right. But then they have this absolutely insane like brother, sister fight over the keys.

Yeah, she snatches the keys and she's like well now you have to take me and then he turns to Paul and he's like Paul can I borrow your your truck and Paul's like fuck you asked me and I'm a man I have to say yes yes you can borrow mine. When she stole his keys I was like careful Jenny it's the 80s they're still hitting they're still hitting. Oh God. So then okay so, so he takes off, he drives away, and just as he drives away, we see the chopper, so we've seen the copra now, she got her rifle,

and she's strapped into a helicopter to go get him. So now the helicopter is chasing along as he drives away from the compound. This helicopter is like the equivalent of a movie licensing like a Rolling Stone song and playing it 14 times. Yes. Absolutely. Like I paid the money for this and you're going to fucking listen to Gimme Shelter until

I tell you to stop. Yeah. So now we have this chase scene, which is like the chase scene is essentially like him driving and kind of ducking down as he looks up into his left, right? Yeah. That's the whole thing. And then, you know, shots B roll of the helicopter.

We learn here that the Cobra is highly overrated. She's not very effective. Not at all. Also, what do you think the casting notice for the Cobra read? Like resting bitch face still fuckable? So if that was it, yeah. Yeah but but eventually she does hit the car. She's aiming at a car from with a fucking rifle.

Okay. So maybe I don't know maybe that's way harder than I would imagine. So but she finally hits the car and he tunes is over the fucking cliff right with a borrowed vehicle and she looks down and she's like, yeah, car crash. We don't have to verify anything. Let's go back to the base. Yeah. Seconds later, Uncle Paul and Jenny show up at the wreck. And then the car explodes because it's the 80s and there was a car in the movie. Yeah. Then Jenny like rushes towards the burning car and they find the cassette

It's survived somehow. Mm-hmm. Well, it was an 80s cassette tape. Those things were basically built like a Lincoln Oh, yeah No, if there was anything that notoriously always worked and never fucked up right during your favorite song. It was a goddamn cassette You could use it as a bludgeoning weapon though damn cassette. You could use it as a bludgeoning weapon though. If you got a good torque on it. So yeah, so he picks up the cassette and she's like, well, at least we've, we've still got the evidence. And, but just then the Antichrist appears right behind him with all his minions. How? I presumed he teleported. Like why is the Antichrist should have more magic powers, shouldn't he? Okay. So that's the only way that it makes sense is teleportation

Yeah, so he gets the tape and then they're like, well Do you want us to kill the lady who you've been trying to kill the entire movie and her uncle who she's obviously talked to Who have listened to the tape and know our evil plans and he's like no they don't have the tape anymore What can they possibly do and And all the minions are like, well, I mean, it's a lot that they could do. It would be insane. It feels like it'd be a really anticlimactic movie if we just sort of hustle past them. Now, like we're like we're walking into a space at Ripley Greer

and they're walking out of a space. And surely, surely you understand how awkward that would be. No, no, I think it's fine. And that's why we should at least find the dude's body Surely you understand how awkward that would be. No, no, I think it's fine. No, no, it's fine. We should at least find the dude's body and make sure that he didn't somehow fall out of the car and survive the 300 foot fall. No, I'm snacky.

I'm not hangry yet, but I can tell I'm gonna get hangry. It's gonna be, it's a long drive. I'm just peckish. It's a long teleport back. Yeah. I'm just peckish. It's a long teleport banks. I asked out my secretary and it's been really awkward since then and I'm just having an awful day. She keeps telling me what her plans are for the weekend and I'm like, oh my god, I don't

fucking care. I was just curious. So but then, yeah, so the bad guys all leave. Where's a fire breathing Jew when you need one. Those are part of the apocalypse. Very common. Going to get a couple of those. So yeah, so but then so Sam is like, or so sorry, they go to leave like Jenny and and

Uncle Paul, she's weeping. But then they notice Sam and he's just fine somehow. And she's like, he's like, they're like, Sam, how did you survive? And he goes, I prayed, Jenny, I prayed. And you think that's the fucking last line that I was talking about with my best worst. But the last line is even better, right? Because he goes, like, what are we going to do? And they're like, well, we actually we can't stop him.

The Bible says that they win. So there's really nothing. There was never anything that we could do at all. This whole thing was pointless. Yeah. The thing that you nearly died for was pointless. And he's like, well, what are we going to do? He says, we're going to look up and rejoice.

And then he gives this just absolutely chef's fucking kiss of a goddamn line. Quote, they may have the tape, but we have eternal life through Jesus Christ. But then what was the point? What were we ever doing? What were any of us ever doing? I don't know. Just thought it'd be fun. But of course, as we fade out, like as I alluded to at the very beginning of the movie, as as it's fading out there, we get a newscaster going. And oh, by the way, Sam lived.

He lived and he prepped his story and that's Antichrist. And he was lying. Jenny's pregnant. Don't worry. Yeah. Right. And yeah, right. And barefoot. She's barefoot in the kitchen washing dishes.

Don't worry. Yeah. And then and the movie ends, we get the back one credits were one minute long credits and the movie's over. And that's it. That's the whole fucking movie. All right. So Paul, you seem to have enjoyed this because, hey, hey, if you did, I have about 312 recommendations for you.

I'll tell you what, I greatly enjoyed talking about it. I do like, you know, we try to be somewhat, we try to find something nice to say about almost every movie you do on the podcast, with the exception of as good as it gets, because that movie is actual piles of shit from top to finish. Oh no! But you know what? Even that one does have a cameo from Maya Rudolph in it. So there's something good to be said about everything. And getting to watch a movie that I can just really just take a pickaxe to the whole time and not feel bad about.

It's cleansing. Yeah, right. Right. There's a point where like just making fun of bad movies like feels bad unless they're also poisonous. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

So, okay. Hey, before we let you go, I have a feeling that a lot of our listeners are just like now huge fans of you and want to hear more from you. So if they've got that urge, remind our audience where they can go to hear some. Yeah, we have, I have a podcast called That Aged Well. It releases every Monday morning. And wherever you get your podcasts, we talk about movies and TV,

mostly from the 80s and 90s, but sometimes you go outside of those years and we talk about how racist and sexist and homophobic they are. And sometimes you get one that's not, and it's really nice. And sometimes you get one that really is. And it's very sobering. Yeah. So, all right. Well, I'll tell you what. We will obviously have all of that linked

on the show notes. And Paul, thanks again so much for hanging out with us. It's been an absolute blast. Thank you so much for having me. I had a great time. And well, that's going to do it for our review of Early Warning. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to lure ourselves back into the same trap next week. So, Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well Noah, we'll be visiting the work of a brand new cult to God, awful movies, the Uranus Academy of Science, and we'll be watching true tales of the past, the saga of Osiris

and Isis. Ooh, all right. So with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode 518 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Paul for all of his help and a reminder that you can find his show linked on the show notes and an equally huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go.

If you'd like to catch up on the race, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash Goddalf. And thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show on our various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Scathing Atheist, Citation Data, DND Minus, and The Skeptical Guide available wherever podcasts

live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email Goddalfamovies to gmail.com. Tim Robinson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Drafts on Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Kargan, was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check of your life this week for Heathenright, Neelab, Bosnic, I'm No Illusion's Promise to work hard to earn another check next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the American Graffiti Clothes. Unfortunately for Sam and Jenny, non-apostolic reformed Northern Alliance freewill Baptists were the correct religion and they both burned in hell forever.

Damn it. Aunt Belle went on to accidentally go into a public library when she was looking for a post office. Inside she saw the cover of Fear of Flying by Erica Jong and thought it was about conquering her fear of, you know, flying. She checked it out and now she lives in Santa Fe with her partner Barb and makes turquoise jewelry to sell on Etsy. Sally learned her lesson about letting that two timing asshole Sam borrow her fucking

truck. No problem. We never want anyone to feel like, oh, I'm going to be on air with that statement and I'm not happy about it. Yeah. If you generally avoid like the really bad racial slurs, I'm probably gonna be fine. Okay, it's a good thing you mentioned that. I gotta find and replace in my notes.

Well, how are they gonna know which characters I think are Jewish? I like that your caveat is like the bad racial slurs. You can get the mild racial slurs, I'm okay. If you can land the joke with a mild racial slur, find a way. All right, here we go. And I wish I could think of a good mild racial slur to put into this intro. I can't. I still say, yeah, okay, here we go. This content is canned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4255 or on their website at creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2025, all rights reserved.