God Awful Movies - 519: True Tales of the Past: The Saga of Osiris and Isis

Episode Date: August 12, 2025

We're joined by Sarah from the "Let's Talk about Sects" podcast for a review of True Tales of the Past: The Saga of Osiris and Isis. --- Check out more from Sarah here: ltaspod.com --- This episode is sponsored by Green Chef and Quince. Use the links below to help support the show and get some deals. greenchef.com/50awful quince.com/awful --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: patreon.com/GodAwful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook page.

And I got to tell you, like, this was also in the running for me for, like, the best at being the worst at category. Oh, yeah. These weapons, these are, like, spray-painted cardboard, and one of them is, like, a scythe that gets handed to a woman who grabs it by the blade. By the blade, yep. And it crunches a little bit. And nobody's like, okay, now it's folded.

It's going to look. All right. It very much has, like, Steve thought he was making. cricket bats and then they were like, no, Steve swords, swords for the psychotrama. God-awful movie.

Movies. Movies. Welcome back to God-awful movies. We're each week we watch another terrible movie so you don't have to. I'm your host, T. Thinwright, and I'm joined by the ever-skibbitty Eli Bosniz. Eli, how's it going?

What up, fam? I don't know. You said skibbity and I felt in 38. Yeah, no, you went with it. I think you nailed it. You felt youthful. I have a scar on my bald spot. I feel like I shouldn't really.

I have a mode surgery scar on my bald spot. But it's a skibbitty scar. I think the times of trying to seem cooler behind me. Scars got Riz. We also have a brand new guest mascus. Sarah from Let's Talk About Sexes. Sarah, welcome to the show. Thank you so much. I intentionally named it so it's impossible for anyone to name the show whenever I do an interview. So it's let's talk about sects.

Yep. S-E-C-T-S. And what's the show about? What do you do there? Well, during the season, it's a deep dive into a different cult each episode. And then mid-season, I do interviews with, usually with survivors, former cult members, experts, academics, all sorts of people in the cult world. Sex experts. Okay. So let's get right into it. Tara. What movie are we going to be breaking down today? We watched True Tales of the Past, the saga of Osiris and ISIS, which is the story of, let's say, ISIS's interplanetary challenges. Yeah, that's accurate. That's accurate.

That's what will happen. All right. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the mentally ill randings of your QAnon aunt, but you wish it involved more outfit changes than an episode of toddlers and tiaras. You will love this movie. All right.

And is there anything y'all would like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? I feel like this was a tough decision for me. But it kind of came... There's a lot. There's a lot to work with. A lot to work with.

I think it came down to the costumes. I mean, the costumes were really something. I was watching it with my partner. And he said, Oh, it's like a high school play of Joseph and his Technicolor Dreamcoat. Yes. Yes. But you're picturing something way too artful right now based on that.

You are picturing something way better than what this cult managed. So I was going to go with best worst ad libbing that can't avoid repeating the word that they don't want to repeat because they just said it. So a lot of this is long speeches by this old woman who's playing the part of, and she definitely does not, she's just making stuff up and she keeps landing on a word like time in the middle of her speech and she's like, and then the

best chronologically fuck and just keeps going. It's the best. You know when there's one more speech at a wedding than there should be? That's this movie, right? It's the bridesmaid who gets up and it's just like I don't have anything prepared

but I will be speaking for 20 minutes. The cult. That's what the entire entire cults is based on. So I am absolutely going to steal from Heath here and say, best, worst opening speech. I wrote to both Sarah and Heath, because this movie's only 50 minutes long, and the first 20 minutes of it are just a lady saying,

truly whatever the fuck comes into her head. What's that test they give old people at the hospital and see if they have to keep them overnight? It's her failing that test, the monologue. And also the Turing test. It doesn't go well. So I emailed both of them to be like, I promise there is.

crazy movie on the other side of the speech. Just hang in with me, I swear. There's crazy movie for the 20 minutes of the speech, too. Yeah, no, that's also part of it. It's definitely crazy. And then, like, I was unfamiliar with this cult, Yonarius cult. And the description you gave me and the little bit of reading I did,

I was like, wow, this is going to be pretty interesting. And then I was pretty amazed at how boring it was. Right? Yeah. So here's the nice thing about the Unarius cult, right? Because I've been holding onto their movies for years. And when we finally realized that you were able to come on, I was like, oh my God, I can't wait to bring you her on for the eunerius cult.

Because the Unarius cult, with the exception of the like not believing true things and the having false beliefs and the giving away all of your money and the taking advantage of their followers and the not so dubious and the sort of dubious consensual sex that they've been accused of. Besides all the cult stuff, they haven't murdered anyone yet, which as Sarah can attest, is rare among cults. I would say it is, I don't know, most of the cults I look at, they do not murder. And I'm, I'm most interested in those cults because I think that the murderous

ones, the ones we hear about the most. But yeah, this one I was surprised I hadn't heard more about it, I have to say. Yeah, it's, well, they've got a whole Vimeo channel and believe me, Sarah, it gets, this was just me being like, well, let's establish the lore. It gets crazier. And you mentioned that they're boring. They are. And that's really sad because you're a cult. You're just making up fucking crazy lies. Make up something interesting. Yeah. It's so sadly boring. Yeah, we're going to talk about it, but the mythos of this cult is nuts, and it is snoozing in the back of history class level boring. They took Egyptian mythology and, like, made it boring. Like, that was good stuff. And then they, like, found a way to make it more boring. I think the thing that happens, and it happens with pretty much every cult that has a leader who is still around is that the leader just loves the sound of their own voice. And so even if the content is pretty wild, they're going to,

just stand around and riff on it for ages. If they're not doing really long sermons, they're writing loads of emails and loads of letters. And it just, nobody can be that interesting for that long. Yeah. For sure. All right.

Well, we're going to take a quick break to get ready for the Unarius cult. And then we'll back to tell you all about true tales of the past, the saga of Osiris and ISIS. All right, everybody. Welcome to the first ever writer's, meeting for true tales of the past, the saga of Isis and Osiris. Hooray!

All right. So today, we'll be telling the tale of Osiris' betrayal at the hands of the traitors who refuse to follow them. Um, Uriel? Uh, yes, Moonshine. Question. I'm just looking through here, and it seems that most of our canonical text is about how in every possible incarnation, of which there have been thousands.

Thousands, yeah. Uh-huh. Right, thousands. Yeah. In all of those lives, your followers, that's us. You, yeah, uh-huh. Right, us kill you? Indeed.

Indeed, I have been betrayed many a time when all we preach is peace, love, and eternal consciousness, but I have been betrayed. Right. Well, I'm sure the story would be wonderful. I would like 11 costume changes, please. You know what? I'm starting to get it. Me too. Oh, she's good.

Yeah. No, no, recovering well. Well, speaking of which, how's Abel? Oh, my goodness, am I glad to hear it? Well, tell her that I'm going to expect to see her soon then. Okay. Okay, great. We'll talk soon.

All right, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye. Hey, Eli, who's that? Oh, I was just ordering a pizza. You seem really familiar with the pizza place. Yeah, well, I'm a busy man, Heath. I don't have time to cook. And even if I did, I don't know any recipe. these kids are talking about.

Okay, I'm not sure why you're doing air quotes around recipes, but you should try Green Chef. What's Green Chef? Green Chef makes it easy to spend less time in the kitchen and more time enjoying summer. And with their new heat meat meals, enjoy a delicious, wholesome meal in just three minutes. Wait, just three minutes?

That's right. And with 80-plus dietitian-approved weekly meal options, Green Chef makes it easy to find meals that fit your lifestyle. Pick from Mediterranean, gluten-free, plant-based, and protein-heavy meals. They even have calorie-smart choices, too. Wow, that sounds great. But, Heath, have you actually tried this? I sure have.

I was a Green Chef customer before they even became a sponsor. I love how it can start and stop deliveries on my schedule and how I can try new foods and cuisines from the comfort of home. That's why I, Heath Enright, personally endorse Green Chef. All right, Heath. I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Make this summer your healthiest yet.

with GreenChef, head to greenchef.com slash 50-0 awful and use the code 50% off your first month, then 20% off for two months with free shipping. That's code 50-awful at greenchef.com slash 50-awful. All right. Well, I guess the pizza place is going to be disappointed not to hear from me for a while. Right, yeah. You're still going to see, Abel? Oh, I have to. She just got the new hip. Sure. Yeah, new hip. And we're back. So we usually just jump right into the film, but I feel like we could use a little context.

And luckily, unarius.org has all the details to fill us in with a section entitled Welcome to Unarius. The Unarius Academy of Science, founded in 1954 by Cosmic Visionaries, Ernest L. and Ruth E. Norman is a nonprofit educational foundation. As a spiritual school, the Academy of Arts, offers a comprehensive self-mastery curriculum based on the interdimensional understanding of energy, the joining of science and spirit.

Yeah, that's what they do as a spiritual school, but as a cooking school, they suck. They're awful, let me tell you. So nothing, based on nothing. Continuing, Unarius is an acronym for Univocal, articulate, interdimensional understanding of science. Okay. And if the double letters at the start of their acronym was the worst thing about them,

Heath would still despise them. That's all it took for Heath to be off the United Nations doing great human. I would be so mad about that. It would not be worth it. Yeah. Continuing, since 1954, Unarius has pioneered a self-healing course in past life therapy, which has helped thousands of people to live more constructive, creative, and peace-filled lives. This inter-directed study of the nature of consciousness will awaken the individual to previous life encounters,

the clairvoyant and creative aptitude of the mind, and the reality of one's spiritual heritage. I would say also in a cult sense, it's like if you go into the past lives, You've got a whole new trove of ways that you can hold people's bad deeds against them. Yeah, exactly. For sure. Yeah, spoilers for this movie. You owe the founder of this cult and his wife, 20 bucks. Unarius provides the foundation for personal growth that will initiate a global transformation of consciousness,

resulting in progressive planetary changes in the 21st century and beyond. a new golden age of logic and reason. Yeah, and they're going to do all that dressed like there was a fourth fairy and sleeping beauty who none of the others speak to. They're stealing so many words, progressive, logic, reason, science. I don't like it. Hate it almost as much as their dumb acronym. But here's the thing.

You're probably wondering, who are Ernest and Ruth Norman? I'm so glad. I was wondering that. I asked myself, the website has a. section called cosmic visionaries to tell us all about Ernest and Ruth. The Normans are forerunners for the new age of spiritual renaissance. As teachers of the whole person, Ernest and Ruth Norman, have made... It'd be weird if they taught, like, part of a person.

I don't know if it's a weird thing to specify. I literally wrote in my notes when I read that. I hate when my spiritual teachers only do part of the person. Why would you? Okay, whatever. Oh, man, my yogi is just focused on my feet. And, I mean, they are ready for Nirvana, but shins up, I am fucked. Ernest and Ruth Norman have made possible the turnaround of thousands of individuals

who have been imprisoned in their emotional problems and situations. By means of the psychotherapy described in the books, lesson courses, video programs, and audio recordings of deunerious teachings, they have shown how dedicated students can learn the cancellation technique necessary in self-healing. to detune themselves from past associated negative involvements and to develop the positive bias so necessary for good mental health and integration. Yeah, we're doing surgery as described in the eunerius teachings today, everybody.

As cosmic visionaries, the Normans are forerunners for the new, you already said this, forerunners for the new age of spiritual renaissance, of logic and reason, already said that too, bringing to humankind an understanding of the principles of evolutionary physics and providing realistic models which answer humanity's unquenchable desire to know of self. I'm pretty sure there's no physics involved in this organization whatsoever. I was mad when I read that word just now too.

Yeah. No, I don't think so. Really stealing a lot of words here. Now, Sarah, as someone who spent a lot of time studying cults, have you ever run into a cult that plagiarized their own first paragraph on their website. I mean, I do think repetition is key. If you want to get the followers, you know, in a bit of a trance state, repetition is a great way to go about it.

Okay. That's good. Interdimensional Science. Season four. Thank you. Myzner. Sorry, good point. Eli, would you like to withdraw your dumb statement?

I would, yes. Okay. And apologize. Next to you. I'm using the cancellation technique on me. If you want to know of self, Eli, it's important to be honest. Okay, the next section is called The Beginning. In 1954, with just a $200 monthly income from a small investment,

Ruth and her husband Ernest began their mission to provide a higher spiritual understanding of life through the Unarius Science of Life teachings. Since then, an estimated 500,000 people worldwide. have been introduced to the Unarius teachings. I have a question about that number. Yeah, me. Who's estimating that? I feel like that's based on a combination of Vimeo downloads,

and it makes me a sad boy. I also wonder, does that include us now that we've watched this video? Yeah, and all of our listeners? Bump that number. I would really hate to have doubled this cults membership, even in their own minds. An estimated one million people. Yeah.

Change your thing. All right. Continuing about the beginning. Ernest Norman was an advanced clairvoyant, scientist. Come on. You can't put that right next. You can have those two next to each other. He was a huge shrimp, I say.

A huge one. Ernest Norman was an advanced clairvoyant, not a shitty one, like an advanced one, a scientist, an electronic engineer, and a poet. He was inspired to write textbooks on the nature of consciousness and interdimensional physics to diagrammatically illustrate the principles of energy from a fourth-dimensional

level of understanding. Okay. Whoa. I feel like anybody who's diagramming the principles of energy from the fourth dimension can't be a great electronic engineer, right? Like, I've had a lot of work done

on my basement and I have yet to see one of the employees just waving their hands in the middle space between time and energy. I'm also going to be a lot of work done. guess bad poet. I'm going to guess bad poet. I think it's a safe guess. On top of that, like, the loving the sound of your own voice and, you know, enjoying espousing all sorts of teachings onto followers. Like one thing I find about cult leaders is that they really love to make things sound like they're well beyond your understanding. So the average person who's

listening to them is going to think, oh, I just don't get it. They're just so intelligent. And I'm hearing a bit of that here. Yeah. It's got a lot of the like, literally fourth-dimensional chess, Elon Musk worship bullshit for sure. Okay, so you're probably wondering about specifically those books that were mentioned, right? Great question, me. 20 pioneering books were authored during the 17 years of Ernest's and Ruth's mission to bring a new science of life for the betterment of humankind. Because of their great determination and strength, an effort equal to that of many Gondis.

I'm just going to say that one more time. They proclaim that they had an effort equal to many Gondis. With the power of seven Gondis, we are couple cults. The work of the Normans soon began to reach interested individuals who were seeking answers to the enigmas of their lives. Requests for information began to arrive from around the world in order to accomplish this labor of love. the Normans secluded themselves from their families.

Okay. The way Dennis Prager does at Thanksgiving. Yeah, exactly. The Normans secluded themselves from their families so they could devote all their time to the mission. An incredible example of dedication and compassion for the many people who are seeking and needing spiritual psychological help. Sorry, help! exclamation. Yeah. They aren't banned from Thanksgiving, everybody.

They chose to isolate themselves to serve the you know. Okay. And we have a section called after Ernest's transition. After Ernest Norman made his transition to the higher planes of the light worlds in 1971. That's okay. That's a new thing they're introducing here. After that, Ruth began to receive from higher spiritual worlds books describing the curriculum of the interdimensional science of life. Okay, two things here. First of all, one, Keith, Sarah, when you inevitably have to announce on this podcast that I died, please say that I made my transition to the higher planes of light worlds.

Okay. Two, this means, so again, put it in not their fancy language, after Ernest died, she announced that she was the angel Uriel delivering all of the, like, prophecy of Osiris and Isis. That's what all of the movies are based on, right? Which means that Ernest,

the interdimensional electric engineer and poet, was holding her back. Did you have to know what Uriel was an anagram for? Oh, no. Uriel stood for universal, radiant, infinite, eternal light. Come on. Incredible. Wow.

Okay. From 1972 to 1993, she authored over 80 books of poetry, philosophy, and science. Take that, Nerman. In 1975, Unarius was incorporated as a non-profit, tax-exempt, educational foundation. I've got some questions about that. Yeah, me too. And Uriel, sorry, what's the anagram? Universal, radiant, infinite, eternal light.

That person established the New World Teaching Center, known as the Unarius Academy of Science in El Cajon, California. Within this center, which became the international headquarters for the foundation, there is a beautiful room called the Star Center that is covered with floor-to-ceiling wall murals depicting Atlantis at its zenith. Podcast listener, I've included a picture of this place in our notes and not so nice bathroom in a Vegas casino is a generous description of what we're looking at here. I got to say as well, like, Atlantis is something that comes up a little more often than I would have expected in cult research. There's a few of them that love a bit of Atlantis.

Yeah, Atlantis and the Jews are like neck and neck for mentions in once you get deep enough into a cult. During the ongoing classes and workshops held in the center, students are touched mentally by master teachers from the inner planes, an example of the attunement process necessary. for good mental health. Honestly, among cults just being touched mentally is great. I was excited when mentally popped up there right after. Next up, we have a section called television and film. In 1978, Ruth Norman began producing television programs and films, extending the teachings of Eunarius to a wider audience.

Several of these programs were psychodramas. That's what we'll be watching today, everybody. A technique that had been introduced through her pioneering classes. in past life therapy. Okay, I just have to describe these because they're incredible. So a bunch of the movies that you find on their Vimeo channel

are these psychodramas. And to be clear, what they are in her classes is she goes like, hamana, hamana, hamana, you were a butcher. Hamana, hamana, hamana, you were his wife.

You guys got in a divorce and he fell in a volcano. And then they do a little improv about it. They do a little improv these like buttoned up 1970s white people do a little improv based on the thing the lady just told them. And they enjoyed that so much that they made them into movies. I think also they were supposed to be reenacting those past lives to sort of help their karma out a bit through the process. Oh, I see. Yeah. Okay. And they've done a volcano thing like Elron. They're like

volcano. They latch on to a lot of the same shit, the Atlanteans, the volcanoes. There's usually stuff going on. It helps for cults, I guess. Yeah, it helps to learn from each other, you know, in these scenarios. Yes, exactly. Consilience, that's good. World consciousness of science ideas. Continuing, students with film and television production experience arrived,

and soon we're training others as the department expanded. I've got some questions about that. Over 100 television programs and three full-length films. have been completed. It's way more than three now, everybody. It's way more than three. I hope they're not counting this one, but okay, it's way more than three. We'll take your word for it.

They are presently airing on public access cable television channels throughout the United States of America and are even archived on demand on one station's website. Okay. You know that was one guy in the newsroom being like, oh no, we save all of these. and she was like, thank you for the compliment. Many thousands of testimonials from students around the world archived in their letters at the Unarius Center attest to the great help they have received.

These students' healings have been made possible through their application of the scientific principles of cause and effect described as a past life therapy, understanding the reality of the continuity of consciousness that there is no death as life is continuous results in the true knowledge of one's spiritual design and the importance of advancing the progressive intent of one's evolution. Okay, so that's the cult from their mouths. We've got some knowledge.

Aren't you glad everything's been explained to you before we jump right into the movie? We're all on the same page. Now that we're all fully informed on the data-driven psycho energy, fourth-dimensional magnet. Vortex of Unarius, or what the fuck I just said? Let's jump into this very important science documentary. And so before we even started, before I even hit play, there was a clip of something up on the screen. It was this woman playing Uriel in one of her costumes.

And it's so very silly. Like I haven't hit play and I'm looking at an old white lady dressed like a magical weather vein from the future or something like. that? Yeah, she looks like your mom's wackiest friend dressed up as a joke you don't recognize for Halloween, right? Like an episode of Star Trek you didn't see because it was part of the original series. All right. So from there we get the title and logo. It says Unarius presents. And then we see a Jesus looking guy walking through the forest. And apparently this is going to be the wandering sage who's going to be our narrator. Yeah. Interesting.

Interestingly, he is not in any of the movies. I thought maybe The Wandering Sage would be like the narrative device for the rest of these films. But I clicked through like, I don't know, seven or eight of the movies that they have on their Vimeo. The Wandering Sage never appeared again. So I think this was someone's like boyfriend who was just like, well, I don't really have a part in the movie.

And Euriel said it was really important that I'd be part of the story. I don't know. Maybe it's like once they saw that beard up on a big screen, they were like, never again. Never again. It's like working with Shia LeBuff. Yeah, I get it. It was upsetting to me.

He has the goatee that I actually had in real life approximately in 2005. It's phenomenal. I know that was like the time when you could have one, but I had that one, so it wasn't even cool in 2005. Keith, I want you to know I have that photo on my phone. And the rare instances when you call me, it is the thing that comes up on my phone. Seriously? Of course. Where did you get a...

God damn it. Never should give me your mom's number. Okay. I definitely didn't do that. Whatever. No, remember when your dad died? You gave me your pocket contact info. And I was immediately like,

pictures of heat. Stupid mistake. This is the worst part of that death. Okay. So the wandering sage walks around for a minute and then he lands in his happy area.

He's got a garden and he's got a little castle or whatever. He sits down. He greets his two daughters, Carrie and Loretta. And he decides he's going to tell them the story of the end of Atlantis. Two more things about that, Wondering Sage, too.

His accent, like, the way he speaks is so odd. It's very affected. And I noticed immediately, which you noticed through the rest of the film, too, like, they just don't even stop to re-record when he messes up a line at all. No, no. Psychodrama really means no second takes. Aside from, you know, the storyline and the special effects

and every other aspect, it's dogma film that we're watching. Yeah. Yeah, so here's the story from the wandering sage of the end of Atlantis. Late Atlantean society, they were doing well, but some people became pretty greedy and corrupt, but there were a few virtuous beings, the light bearers, and they moved to Egypt. So I think that was ISIS and Osiris. They got zooped to Egypt to start a new civilization. And this was about 10,000 years ago.

Right. So as we hinted it at the beginning and as we've talked about, And as Sarah mentioned in our intro, basically the con of this cult is, hey, I'm going to read your past life. Oh, my gosh, that's so crazy. Do you know that you murdered me in your past life? And then the person's like, I'm sorry. And it's like, that'll be $99.99, right? So keep in mind that when this movie starts, we are already past the first con, which is them murdering her for the first time in Atlantis.

Got it. Okay. I think also we should know that some sort of alien powers are the, you know, the ones capable of zooping these two light-bearers, light-bringers to Egypt. That's going to come into play later. This is ISIS and Osiris, and according to what I could tell from the Unarius website, which, again, is space jam levels of ancient, but this is what I could tell, ISIS and Osiris are aliens slash angels sent down to earth

to give us the important knowledge that they did. but then they got killed and reincarnated? He said question mark so that they could show up in Egypt. They talk about incarnations. This is one of them, right? So they get zipped to Egypt, and they build some temples and some schools. And then also the lady who plays ISIS was like, I can shred the fucking harp.

Show me doing my hopes. We do watch your harp concert for a second there. Yeah, we get a flash cut of them together, and I wrote in my notes. It looks like they saw us across Halloween adventure and really like our five. And then we cut over to Egypt, where this is going to happen. And we see all the white people of ancient Egypt.

All the white people of ancient Egypt sit against like a really modern drab staircase and manicured gardens. Yeah, exactly. And they're waiting for ISIS and Osiris to arrive. They're, I guess, students of ISIS and Osiris. And they just, the group has to do like the rabble thing. just for a second would be fine in the movie, but they decided to make them rabble for way too long,

and they do very badly. Oh, they rabble for a while. Also, can we take a moment to pause and talk about these costumes? Everyone is either dressed as, as Sarah said at the beginning, an extra in a production of Joseph in the Technicolor Dreamcoat, or like, what your Republican uncle thinks people dressed like at Woodstock. But it's him dressed that way? way? The makeup is also worth commenting on. Yes. It's really, look, if you watch this movie for one

reason, it should be to watch white men in their 60s in 1978 experimenting with eye shadow for the first time. Right. So ISIS greets them all when she arrives. And she's like, oh, I actually didn't tell you all I was going to be here, but you all sensed it with the global consciousness that I taught you obviously. Good magic. Nicely done. That's established. And then she starts her big speech. She's holding up a flower as a fidget spinner the whole time. It's very distracting for her is what I mean. Yeah.

Here's the basic idea of the speech. She says, I'm going to tell you about love, but not how you know that word. Love is the infinite oscillation. Whatever the fuck that means, because you can just say that in cults and dump stuff. And people are like, yeah, waves or something. I don't know. Yeah. Two sentences into this speech.

she says, quote, love holds the world together or apart, whichever way you would like to look at it. And we get very exciting her first outfit switch. Oh, fuck, yeah. So we see her doing a little shiny dress dance thing, arm dancing in a new shiny dress. There's a lot of arm dancing. We have to be, I think we have to be clear here. She's still there giving her speech the entire. time to her audience, but there are these interludes where she's floating in the middle of the

screen with kind of psychedelic colors around her. Think a video clip for Grooves in the heart and that she's in a different outfit every time and they are spectacular. I want all of these outfits. To be clear, my live show performances will not be complete until I am in every outfit that Unarius wears in this movie. Yeah, so that was an exciting little arm dance. Straight to another one, another floaty cutaway like you were describing. She's talking in between, but like it's just a dumb speech. This is like, I don't know, 20 seconds later.

And she's like, also, I am a lavender themed witch. I have an outfit for that. So we see that for a second. At this point in the movie, my notes are just, this woman has had four outfits in the eight-minute movie. That's an outfit every minute. Five outfits. Six outfits. I'm just counting out.

bits at this point. Yeah. We learned that a lot of things are each other. That's a pretty popular cult thing too. Sarah, have you seen that? So she says like, she's like, life is love is purple, is lavender, is essence, tree. It's just word salad like that. I feel like that's a pretty popular sect and cult thing. Word salad. They love it. They love it. It's like, A, yeah, they want to listen to the sound of their own voice and they're, you know, lost for inspiration. They're just riffing. And then be, oh, everything I say is so deep and meaningful, nobody can get their head around it, but me. Oh, it's so good. There's a moment of running out of bullshit here that I love so much where she goes, the great minds maintain force fields and the planets and you watch the real human being go,

fuck, I'm out of shit. And then she goes, all things, it rules. It rules so hard. It's my favorite performance. And it's very importantly, she also explains here, that everything is the infinite love of the brothers. And then you watch her be like, sorry, I forgot to explain the brothers. This is kind of a big deal. They're the spiritual minds who motivate the cosmos and keep them together or apart. Whatever, however you might think about it. They maintain the force fields and the planets and the, and that's when she does the thing you

I was describing. Yeah. We also learn that they don't say God. they say infinite intelligence. Yes. This is also a very important moment for me. So about 10 minutes into what will be a 17-minute speech is the first time she says in conclusion

in case anybody is wondering. She's going to conclude this speech for the next 18 minutes. It's pretty fun. Yeah. I did enjoy the speech is ridiculous, but I could barely follow it because of that word salad. I did enjoy the reaction shots. of this crowd, because you get to see this crowd,

just their physical appearances are very silly. I enjoyed that. Also, like, half the time they look really bored as well. It's, like, very odd that they haven't made them look a little bit more interested in what's going on it. Right? We've just gotten to, you know, watch the dailies, tell Steve to smile or something. She also has a very ironic part of the speech here where she talks about the egos of men, right? There are men who refuse to love and build giant strife.

to their egos, and she is literally standing on the grounds of her museum she built to herself as an aim. And making a whole film, which is obviously a vehicle for her to be in all of her different outfits the entire time. And also, like, her speech is all about love and, you know, all of these high-minded things, but then the story is all about betrayal. So it's kind of the floors of man, you know, it's just that juxtaposition of, I'm talking about love and how wonderful the world is, but you have all betrayed me and you will pay is the underlying, I think.

I'm watching somebody with a magical weather vein helmet be like, oh, by the way, false gods and propaganda movies are bad, so watch out for that. Head on a swivel, everybody. Also, we get a crowd shot here that was very important to me spiritually as a human being, and I want to talk about him. There are two people wearing oombole.

Lumpa costumes standing next to each other. Okay. You're talking about the couple that looked like tomatoes? I'm assuming. Yep. The tomato oompa's. My question is, did they choose a couple's costume for the movie? Or did they show up to set and they were like, wow, great.

Well, there's not time for one of us to go home and change. I feel like that was their meat cute. And they like, their eyes locked across this set. And they were like, oh, my God. You think they're still together? Like, someone's got parents. It was like, whenever they could ask how they met, they're like, the apps.

Yeah, there was a little bit of problems with the camera here. The camera team for, I don't know, the goddess of wisdom or whatever the fuck she is, had a big leaf blocking the shot several times bugs crawl over the camera. They just keep going. There's a tilt shot at one point that looks like the cameraman passed out and I just wrote in my notes, I get it. This was shot in like 1989 somewhere about there. Yeah, I don't know.

maybe the stock was really expensive. You just had to keep going. Yeah, you got to do what you can. I did enjoy when she decided at one point to try to put away her fidget spinner flower thing and she was like, all right, I've got to put this way. And she reaches in to her crazy outfit. And she's like, no pockets, fuck.

Pulls it back out. And continues her ridiculous speech. So after pump faked me end of that speech so many times she's finally like, Osiris is done with the young boys. love okay by and she walks off so I think we all need a break

and then we'll be back with more true tales of the past the saga of Osiris and Isis ISIS this is the mothership we are coming to retrieve you and Osiris oh excellent

when will you be here when the moon turns in the eighth house on the 11th hour we shall arrive ooh what's ooh I just wish she had

told me um your father has a doctor's appointment why did you make dad a doctor's appointment on the day we're visiting you didn't tell me when you were coming so i just made it we did we talked about this months ago but you didn't say what time it's fine i says what time is dad's doctor's appointment all right just give me a set let me look on the calendar oh she wrote it on the physical calendar yep okay okay i'm back and he didn't write it on the calendar let let me call him and then i'll call you back. You really got to start using the calendar on your phone. They updated it and now I can't see the day anymore. No, mom, it's just on month mode. You got to click the schedule and then you click the word schedule. Well, I'm talking to you. I can't see it while I'm talking to you.

Okay, well, when the moon turns in the 8th house, on the 11th hour, we shall arrive. Okay, call your father and tell him that. You tell him. You'll tell him the information I'm telling you. I'll write it on the physical calendar. Okay. Hey, welcome to Upstate New York where Heath and I are from fashion school. How can I help you? Yeah, I'd like to learn

how to dress comfortably. Comfortably, got it. So which sports jersey were you thinking you would wear? No, no, I was thinking sort of a classy, casual, just everyday wear. Classy casual.

Is that a team, hockey? No, no, it's a kind of clothing. Oh, you probably want something from quince. Oh, what's? Quince. Quince has the closet staples you'll want to reach for over and over, like cozy cashmere and cotton sweaters for just $50, breathable flow-knit polos and comfortable lightweight pants

that somehow work for both weekend hangs and dressed up dinners. Nice. That sounds great. It is. The best part? Everything with Quince is half the cost of similar brands. By working directly with top artisans and cutting out the middlemen, Quince gives you luxury pieces without the markup.

Okay, but what about like ethics? Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical, and responsible manufacturing practices and premium fabrics and finishes. Have you actually tried it? Well, I have. Eli, hey, what are you doing here? Quince sent us some products to try when they first became a sponsor. We got a pair of pants for Anna, and then for our second purchase, we got those pants again because she really liked them. That's why I, Eli Bosnick, personally endorse Quince.

All right, you two. I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Keep it classic and cool with long-lasting staples from Quince. Go to quince.com slash awful for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash offal to get free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash offal. All right, guys. Thanks. But Eli, if you have Quince, why are you here? Oh, I was back home

and I wanted to buy a Monster Energy hat. I don't know, dude. How old is your girlfriend? My wife is an adult. Sorry, man. No, can do. And we're back. When we left off, ISIS closed her big speech. And now we're back with The Wandering Sage and his daughters telling the story. This is where we're going to meet the murder plotters. Yeah, this is also where I emailed Heath and Sarah and said,

please don't quit the podcast in various forms. I promise there is a movie after this. Right. So in the story, the students took the wisdom of ISIS and Osiris all over the world, but there were some evil students who resented the demigods or whatever they are. And one of them, I think this is Seth's buddy, set or Seth is like the Egyptian name, right? Yeah. And one of his buddies is like, all right, somebody needs to take some initiative, if you know what I mean. and he's talking to a couple of other people so they start a murder plot here. They really go back and forth on the Seth set thing.

I felt like they were doing what I do at a party where I don't quite hear someone's name and I'm like, right? Right? Yeah, no, you know. So in the mythology, I think Seth or set is a sibling of ISIS and Osiris. By the way, they're siblings and like brother, sister wives together

all at the same time. So the idea is that the. sibling named Set or Seth could help organize this murder plot. He invites the co-conspirators and he says, you guys should come. The meetings are a little secret. And I wrote my notes, like, not balls

to the wall secret, but pretty say, no, don't invite just anybody. Tell me before you share the Facebook event. So those other people kind of go along and they're like, yeah, okay. We'll do a murder plot. Sounds good. And then we get an insane segue from the wandering stage.

This might be my favorite line in the whole movie. It's pretty fantastic. I have a lot of questions. I did have a lot of questions all of a sudden. Can I do it? Please, please. ISIS knew due to advanced electronics that she kept underneath her temple and kept communication with the other planets,

she was given a message through this communication device that the brothers would be coming and take them back to their home planet. Yeah. So advanced electrical. Electronics that talk to other planets has been introduced. And why is she just keeping them underneath her temple? It's just such a weird that she kept underneath her temple. Advanced electronics.

So bizarre. It feels like something she was considering unveiling to the cult. Like she was going to be like, and I found the alien electronic. But she couldn't get, you know, Chris to agree to be on the other end of the walkie-talkie. She wrapped in paper machine. So it ended up just being a piece of the movie. Yeah. So we get the Zoom call here.

Isis calls Spaceship 33 from the planet Eros. Some guy picks up. I guess this is one of the brothers. And the brother uses a necklace medallion thing as a Zoom screen. Headband. Kind of cool. He speaks entirely in telepathy. He doesn't speak.

He just like beams his thoughts into the Zoom call. So we see his face just with this weird kind of half smile and her face. with this kind of weird half smile and we just hear the words over the top. It's so good. And nobody seems clear on sort of how close you need to be to the device for communication

because she's definitely holding up to her mouth like she's going to talk into it, but he's just standing there. Hey, back up, back it up. You're really close. Okay. It's like when you FaceTime your mom and you've got to be like,

why don't you put it on a table? Hey, why don't you put it on a table? No, now you closed it. You closed your laptop. I can hear you still. I'm looking inside your ear. Right. So the brother picks up and he's like, hey, ISIS, what up? And telepathically, of course. And she explains that the mission has been accomplished. Her and Osiris taught the light and the radiance to the world. And he's like, cool. So pick up in like 20 minutes or whatever. Pick you up on Earth and fly out to space. But we got to make a stop on the way. Why? Yes. Why? What is the point of this?

Right. You have a God Angel who has completed her mission and you're like, look, there's a, there's a crumble cookies on Mars and I fucking love those things. You ordered Uber Pool this time? We just got to pick up someone else in the way. The crumble cookie place doesn't serve breakfast after 10 and I want to, I really want to stop and get a breakfast cookie before. But it's on Mars and then we're going to set a party up on Mars and then pick you up and then bring you to your party on Mars. So it's going to be cool. And ISIS is like, okay, so is like, what's the new ETA then after that? Mars, stop. And we hear that it's going to be the seventh day right around lunchtime. Around lunchtime.

I wanted to be like around lunchtime. So like, do I come having eaten on the spaceship? Yeah, like, what are we doing? Truly, there is nothing more beautiful about this cult than it is the perfect mix of boomer speak and cult speak, right? She might as well teach us, start talking about like, kids these days don't understand love energy pronouns. All right, well, speaking of love energy, we get a weird moment right after this. We cut back to the Wandering Sage, and he explains that Isis and Osiris wanted to give their students love shafts as a going away present?

Yeah. As a master of cult, Sarah, you can tell us that there's a lot of cult leaders giving away love shafts. This is the first time I've ever heard of a love shaft. Ooh, all right. So ISIS meets with the students, presumably to give out gift bags with loved shafts inside. I don't know. She explains that the brothers of the cosmos are going to fly them off the planet. There's no extra seats on the spaceship and with the party in Mars.

It's all locked up. Do you mind if I reenact the applause that happens when she announces that the spacecraft is coming? Yes, please do. Just do the little line there for a second. Okay, so spaceship is coming, and I will be leaving on the third moon. Oh, right. Oh, is it? Is it just one of you just going to clap?

That was it. It was literally like two guys. Yeah. She also explains that you can all see the spaceship. It's real. you'll be able to see it when it comes to pick you will be able to see it verify yeah and now we learn that Seth the murder guy and the half brother of Osiris according to this is even more angry and he's really ramping up the murder plot yeah they're full brothers in the mythology but they're

apparently half brothers in this they're half brothers in in the Unarian mythology can we talk about the space work with the scroll yes please okay so Seth is holding a scroll in this scene and in the beginning of the scene it scrolls like out sideways he's got a horizontal scroll right but then at some point in the scene he changes

his mind and just flips it and it's a vertical scroll but they kept both takes it was the part that bothered me the most about this scene the thing that bothered me was how long it took him to read the scroll yeah like he's the slowest reader in film history

he sounded it out He's slow upside down and right side up, so it doesn't have, half of that time, he doesn't have an excuse. Very slow. Also, the guy standing next to Seth just went fucking wild with the eyebrow pencil, right? Because it was very clearly, it started out as an eyebrow pencil mistake. And then he was just like, filling, filling, filling. Oh, God, they're starting the camera's filling. Right.

So Seth is reading this scroll slash plan. I guess the murder plan is on the scroll. He, like, wrote it out for himself. And he's reading it to his followers. And he explains that Space Brothers are landing soon. And this is why they have the resentment. Seth has been trying to kill his brother and sister for, like, generations and incarnations. But now he's extra mad because Space Brothers are landing.

And there's going to be like, I don't know, it was described like there's going to be redundancies on Earth or something. Like there was a corporate merger and the followers of set slash. Seth, are going to get fired? How is the lateralizing of the power structure going to be affected by you getting picked up by aliens? Yeah, didn't quite understand. Because I have two T's on my quarterly review in a row, and the third one means a raise. And I just, I need to know if the aliens are changing that.

And then he tells them, okay, so we're doing this murder plot. Let's all, we're going to do a secrecy pledge. And before he even asks for like any sort of physical affirmation, of the pledge, some hands go up. And he's like, oh, yeah, well, okay, yeah, hands up. Sure, sure. Yeah, I'm also, yep.

Or that's, of course, secrecy pledge hands up. It assumes that they were doing some kind of salute or other gesture, right? But like, no one agreed before the psychodrama what that gesture was. Yeah. When the wandering sage was like introducing these, the followers of the half-brother, you know, the hand raisins in the secret plot. I really read some culty stuff in there. He described it as they had their own petty gripes and jealousies.

They felt as though they were not being given perhaps a fair deal and they couldn't accept their own deflations of their own personal selves when it was pointed out to them, perhaps errors in their thoughts. And instead of being students of the light and accepting these things from their teachers, they turned on them, which is so like, yeah, you know, you're there to learn from me as a teacher. But if you dare ever question anything that I teach you, you know, watch out. Yeah, it all felt real, comma, Chris, right? It felt real like, did.

Did you hear that, Brian? That part about them being super not cool? Kind of felt like an Ivermectin con from like a few years ago, for sure. But they're all on board. They're going to do the murder plot. They're going to rule Egypt somehow. And then Seth is like, okay, Heil Chap, good meeting. We're doing Hiles, right, at the end?

Because we did it from the, all right. They get a little hale going. They actually all do that. And then we see one of the evil army. I think this was the first guy who hatched the plan that he went to Seth with. That guy's getting a personal communique from Seth. Once again, on a scroll, of course. So they have advanced electronics to communicate with other planets.

But no email, they're still doing physical scrolls, I guess. They're still doing physical scrolls or they're like, iPads right yeah so this messenger delivers the scroll and this evil guy's like okay what does it

what does it say and the messenger's like it's obviously top secret I said top secret when I got you have to read it yourself man and he just adds it to him and he leaves and then we watch this guy read the scroll to himself we learn that the spaceship is landing soon

and they got to do the murder and Horace from the royal family of ancient Egypt or whatever, is on board with the murder team. And so I googled this. In the Egyptian mythology, Horus is the incestual son of Osiris and Isis. And I think they just had a name that they wanted to use and made a different character. Yeah.

No, you can feel them drifting away from mythology and into, what are some other mythy names? Herculees? Do we have a Herculees? No, that's Greek. Not bad. We get a little bit of a cutaway to some other people from Team Seth and they're plotting together. And they're just talking to each other in like, you know, the village square being like, yeah, no, horse is awesome. We're all on that team.

We're going to kill Osiris and Isis. So people are on board. This is supposed to be like a look at how the bad guys got everyone involved in their plot. But these are like old hippies. So each scene is way less intimidating that it should be. This first one, right, where they go to the girls and they're like, hey, we're going to, Horace is taking over.

And if you don't go along, these assistant ADs are going to rough you up. There's also like zero tension. All of these, we're talking about a murder plot, right? There's no tension whatsoever. Everybody's very chill about it. Yeah. It's like they're planning, you know, like,

oh, pub trivia on Tuesday, right? And then wait, you're going to get the good table, right? Cool, cool, cool, cool. But secret. No, no, no, secret. Definitely, secret. Yeah, no, no, definitely secret. Definitely secret. Yeah. Dude, you do the howl. Okay. If I'm the only one who does the aisle, then it looks like, I. We're going to look terrible, yeah. Okay, murder plot.

And break. And then we cut back to more of the evil guy reading the scroll from Seth. And it's weird because it's like, he's looking at the scroll being like, are you done narrating that little scene to yourself? Great.

Continuing. We're killing those people, that's our plan. So then we get some more people from Team Seth plotting. We meet, I don't know why these characters get named. We meet Kara and Minora and they get kind of like coerced into being on

the murder team. Some orange rub guy intimidates them. I did enjoy, okay, so he's like, you have to get on board with the thing. And they're like, yeah, all right, you're kind of scary. It feels like you're threatening to murder us. So yeah, fine. We'll do the thing.

And then at this moment, this orange robe guy is supposed to have two intimidating henchmen show up behind him, like flanking him. But that is not what we see. We see the people in this movie show up with the costumes in this movie, and it's very silly. Yeah. It was like they went, all right, now, who are the tallest people in our cult? Oh, well, no, Larry's holding the camera. Who are the fifth and seventh tallest people in our cult? you will be the thugs.

So then we cut back to the evil guy. Did we ever get a name for the evil guy? The one who hatched the plot, who's reading the scroll here? So I thought it was Seth, but then Seth started talking about Horus, and I found myself trying to make sense of the Unarius cult,

and I was like, no, Eli, you deserve better. You don't have to make sense out of this thing. Put away the yarn and pushpins. It doesn't matter. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Put away the chart. Okay.

Fair enough. So that guy's reading the scroll some more. and then we watch him recruiting some more people. He goes up to two guys. One guy's got a book. He's like, hey, what you're reading there? Grabbs it, closes it. Fuck you.

Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Not part of the scene. I mean, conversation. Yeah. Camera. And this guy does badly with his lines. He does not have that many things.

He has reading from a scroll. So this is the only time he needed to memorize any lines. It would be the pitch. for the murder team and he keeps ending a sentence and not realizing he still has more lines. And then nobody's talking and he has to keep going. It's the best.

All right. So from there we cut back to that guy reading The Scroll to himself some more and he learns that they're going to need to gather some weapons and we watch him get three swords out of a little hole. And I got to tell you, like this was also in the running for me for like the best at being

the worst at category. Oh yeah. These weapons, These are like spray-painted cardboard, and one of them is like a scythe that gets handed to a woman who grabs it by the blade. By the blade, yep. And it crunches a little bit. And nobody's like, okay, now it's folded.

It's going to look, all right. It very much has, like, Steve thought he was making cricket bats, and then they were like, no, Steve, swords. Sores, they're swords for the psycho drama. Also, can I give a note to this group of murderers? Way too many of them brought multicolored flags. to the murder. Way too many.

They did. That's going to confuse things. You're supposed to use those flags to, like, know what team you're on. Everybody went different. So this whole scene, this whole scene was, I laughed so hard when they cut to it. So we see him get the weapons. And then we cut to, you remember the braveheart scene, the big psych up speech, right? He's got the whole army assembled.

He's on the horse going up and down, given the psych up speech. We're watching that, but we're watching, again, the cast of this movie do that. so it looks like a renfair army is being yelled at by a guy in a very silly robe. Yeah, it looks like a homophobic senior home is doing their own drag show as some form of revenge. There's one guy wearing very clearly Nike branded crew socks under his Tiva branded sandals.

Mm-hmm, yeah. And then we hear all of a sudden a tuba And the leader guy's like, shut up. I think a tuba is approaching. I really wanted like a baby elephant army to show up. And it's just like, Oh, yes.

From the west. Yeah. Yeah. But no, that was nothing, apparently. They're going to pass out their very silly weapons. And we watched that happen.

And nobody in the cast wants to take the one they're handed. So that was a fun conflict. We got to see unfold. Yeah. There is a moment of mute drama that is genuinely one of my favorite moments in the film where he's handing out the swords and the guy takes two.

Now, to be fair to the guy, he takes two to hand one to the person next to him. But you watch the actor be like, one, you're supposed to take one and two? I'm handing. And again, they kept it. They kept it in the movie. You don't have any access?

We have exactly one for each of us. What if I want to do? I like to do melee weapon stuff, but I also like to do two weapon fighters. We watch them run out, and so he just reaches into the bag and mimes handing one to the guy, but then the guy doesn't mime, so he just, like, lets the mime disappear and has his hand down all sad? It's phenomenal.

Truly, like, during this scene, I wrote in my notes so many times, I've never wished for a visual program more. Yeah, this was, this was perfect. I enjoyed this scene very much. So the angry mob of Renfair warrior poets in a snit about getting the weapon of cardboard that they didn't want. They've got their their Minecraft cardboard weapons, and they're ready to murder. But before we see how it goes, let me give Act, whatever the fuck's

left, the hard sell. Does Uriel have enough outfits to cover the rest of the movie? Does Uriel have enough movie to cover the rest of the outfits? Did I kind of paint myself into a corner with the permutations for doing a three-beat here? Yeah, kind of did.

Love is oscillation. Whatever. Fuck you. When we return for the quantum tacular conclusion of the saga of osiris and isis and on that day we shall betray isis and osiris to death let it be so let it be so hoop hurr okay guys what was that i i was saluting yeah me too okay but you guys did like two different things no we didn't Yes, you did. She had two arms and you had one in your thing. I was doing a double.

Yeah, double. Okay, but they looked totally different. It's disorganized. We'll try again. Let it be so. Let it be. Ow! Ow! My God. Oh, God, sorry. Right in the eye. We got to stand further apart. Get further apart. It's literally a goodbye gesture. If we're further apart,

we've already said goodbye. You know what? We're forgetting the salutes. Let's just go do our thing. Yeah, okay. Scratch my cornea. I said I was sorry. Oh, hello. Hello. Hi. Hey. Oh, you're going to say hello.

I also say hello. Okay. Hey, podcast listeners. Eli said hello to you. And we wanted to tell you something. Usually we write these ads. Noah's on vacation. And he usually reminds me if I forgot one.

But what happened, what happened was he went on vacation. And you need to know about our New Orleans live show, September 27th, in New Orleans. Orleans, Louisiana. Tickets are still available. Yep. And I said to Heath, hey, what's going to get us yelled at more? Improvising a live show ad or forgetting to tell our listeners about our New Orleans live show on September 27th. And it was a tie. It was a tie. So we're doing it. So we're doing this. It's lose, lose. Please come to our show in New Orleans. So far can I say, nailing it? I would agree. I am very excited about going to New Orleans that muffletta. It's going to be good.

Muffoletta. We're giving out muffletta at the show. Bignets. Nice. Get the powdered sugar in there. Benynees for days. I've been here. He told us not to do a rhyming slogan. He specifically said don't improvise rhyming slogans. It's a nightmare. It's a nightmare.

It's right on the whiteboard. Godoffelmovies live.com. New Orleans. Get your tickets. No connies. Bye. And we're back. When we left off, we were about to get the big murder showdown. And now ISIS and Osiris walk up, like over the hill where this battle formation is ready. And they say hello, like they're starting an HR meeting with these people.

Oh, hello everybody. Yeah. Also, also, let's be clear, they like ISIS and Osiris, it's just ISIS explaining everything. Osiris is like an arm candy. Oh, yeah. Exactly. He's given up. We do see his new goatee thing, though, which it's turned to gold somehow.

It has turned gold. And it has a very visible golden strap to it, like a cartoon character in a costume. It's the best. Now, may I read this quote from the opening of the closing of this speech? Because it made me laugh out loud for a while. Please. Here's the exact quote. okay now it's up to you

goodbye which means I'll be leaving I won't be here anymore this is my goodbye speech I left for a while that made me laugh too yeah I left for a while also we should point out that the spaceship

keeps intercutting here so it felt like she was being played off by the spaceship during this final speech and that graphic is amazing oh it's incredible it's mystery science theater levels of fun. Yeah.

The flag saucers accent. And the sound effects. Don't forget the sound effects. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And then they, you know, of course it's mentioned that all the frequencies and the energies have been implanted in the dimension. So you'll all be good to go, you know, call the fucking Schmanderson's next door.

If there's any emergencies, left the number for poison control. And that speech is over. I guess they're going to leave now. And they do like a processional. They do like the wedding rice throwing moment through what they believe to be their followers. Kind of like a soul train line too, but they get murdered right away. It's almost like they forget they're supposed to murder them until the last minute because they make it about halfway down the wedding hook, but before they're like,

right, the cricket bags, the cricket bags. I did enjoy that the flying saucer was clearly like the angry Uber driver, like honking, being like, let's go. I only wait three minutes. Yeah. And the best part is that when they start murdering them, the spaceship noaps out of there. Yeah, it's like they've seen the murderies going on and they're like, oh, okay, we'll just leave that one. Not my circus, not my monkey. Like they thought they were going to a dinner party and it was an orgy and they walk in the front door and they're like, nope, no, no, all right.

It's a murder of violence. Okay. We're out of here. I wonder if, like, among the aliens, ISIS and Osiris are kind of like that couple who keep getting murdered whenever they're trying to plant the seed of eternal wisdom, right? Like, you know that friend who's always breaking up and making up with their relationship on Facebook to the extent like you don't really want to talk about it anymore? I bet that's how the aliens view ISIS and Osiris. They're like, no, don't even talk to them about arrows because they're just going to get murdered by their followers again, okay?

Well, and they know it's coming every time. Like, that's in her speech, right? Each and every time we have come, you have destroyed our physical bodies, detoured our mission and done away with our physical bodies that we had to return again and again. Right. Like, that was like an annoying errand they had to do each time in these incarnations.

One of the things on their chore wheel for the cult is, and don't murder us and destroy our physical bodies. But is it also a good excuse kind of to recycle the same storyline a few times so you don't have to come up with a new one if it's like ISIS and Osiris again and again and again. That does make it a lot easier. All right, that tracks. So from there, we cut back to the Wandering Sage telling the final part of the story.

And here he explains the big twist, I guess, in their head. He was on that spacecraft. So he's also one of the siblings of ISIS and Osiris and maybe half sibling of Seth. Yes. He was the one that looked at. the window and was like, uh, murder going on. Let's get out of here. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. So he took off there and I guess he landed here in this garden where he's telling the story and now they have this amazing civilization. Of course, including a very big, beautiful university

that he mentions and then gestures behind him. But there's just a fence. No, no. I'm pretty sure they were sure that Unarius would have taken off by the time. This, um, movie was made, they'd have something to gesture to. I also love that the girls have just been, they've had their lines, which is like, and we were the murderers, isn't that right? And he's like, yes, you were the murderer. 99.99.

And the idea, the lesson here is that the humans couldn't understand all the wisdom from ISIS and Osiris until they let themselves get murdered, much like Jesus Christ, I guess. They were teaching a lesson to humanity.

Well, I thought this was more finger-shaky. I thought it was more like, sure, now in this future we've made up, everything's great, but you would have had this from the Space Brothers 10,000 years ago if you would have stopped murdering Osiris and ISIS. It's like me and my son's, you know, sticker book chart. I'm just like, hey, buddy, look, we only got two stickers left if you don't murder Osiris and Isis tonight. Stay in your bed and don't murder ISIS.

Yeah. And this is where the Wandering Sage forgets how, like, the time dimension works. It's weird because he's supposed to be operating on like nine dimensions or whatever, but he forgets how that works when he's talking. And he says, and now living here in the future, people can understand all the wisdom. I enjoyed that a lot. And then he gives a flower to his two daughters and they go to the nice museum that wasn't in the frame when he just chewed at it. Okay, this almost got my best worst, which is best worst like closing banter. because she goes, that was a great story.

And he goes, yes. And then we get the credits. And I know what you're thinking. Oh, Eli, is the podcast almost over? No. More costumes. Motherfuckers, I have more costumes. I will need to do more costumes.

Okay. The most beautiful costume is coming up. This is where we get Uriel in what is absolutely her best costume of the movie. she is in a LED-lined Wicked Witcher. What's the good one? Who's the good witch? Glinda. Glinda.

She is in an LED-lined Glinda costume at this moment. 100%. It felt like she bought like nine light brights and put them into some sort of dress. And that's what she's wearing here. I read somewhere that a lot of her costumes involved LEDs, which meant that while they were shooting, she couldn't actually move.

She just had to sit there plugged in. Okay. That tracks. What? I believe it. And it makes sense why so much of it was just footage of her over like heart playing. Yeah, with like fuzziness around the sides. Oh, and her credit. Let's not forget. Her credit that came up on the screen before we move on to the next part is directed by Uriel, Princess of the Realm. Heck yeah. Take that quick, Tarantino. Right. So then we find the close with a spaceship that kind of looks like an asteroid, but I guess this is one of the

alien brothers in a spaceship and they're coming back to Earth. And we see them getting welcome to Earth with a big banner made on like print shop on a dot matrix printer that says, welcome space brothers. And they're having a big party for him. Yeah. And there's a song. There's a hymn. So I don't know if either of you had any success. Sarah, you're a better researcher than me. Could you find this him anywhere? Oh, I didn't try. I have to admit. I went on their website. I looked for this ever. I was typing in random lyrics. I asked chat GPT,

which was like, hey, even I'm not going to hallucinate that hard. Because it's, it is your very classic like 1960s, 1970s him, but it's just the gibberish that's come out of this woman's mouth.

So picture yourself like sitting bored in church waiting for it to be over, but the words are like, and the aliens come down and lady gets another costume. So of the words that I managed to write down, while laughing between tears. This is in the hymn,

quote, bringing us a laser Bible, a brotherhood of inner space. I missed the laser Bible. Bringing us a laser, but that one had a graphic. That had a graphic with the laser Bible with it.

Yeah. Okay, I didn't see the laser Bible. I did see some kind of trophy that they present. The earthlings present to the brothers or the lead brother. Like,

this scene was almost indistinguishable from Tim Cook giving Donald Trump his stupid fucking trophy the other day. Less gold in the movie, but both very gaudy and silly. And a less silly, less demented leader, but other than that. And this was all sung by like a chorus of people

all in these, I can't even remember what these costumes looked like, but matching costumes at the end. They were like standing there as a chorus. Yeah. I noticed a music credit at the end too, so I think that this one might have been written by someone other than Uriel. Yes, no, that music and lyrics were by,

Crystal Hampton, who I desperately searched for in hopes of finding these hymnals. No luck. I would have loved to hear more from Crystal Hampton. Yeah. Okay. Well, it seems like they would be done, but they are not quite done because Uriel had one more insane costume. So it just ends with her being like, one more, I won the Game of Thrones beauty pageant.

Here we go. I'm sitting on an ice throne. My note on this outfit was Elsa wishes she could, Ice Queen. and then again before the end of the movie it credits come up again and it says inspired by you're real and I wrote my notes again more the princess of the realm

that's the one and that is the actual close of that science documentary movie about the unarius whatever's interdimensional how to get happy concept they never really got to that

I didn't get any mental health out of that I didn't get any good tips on mental health from any of their tail. No, no, no. You have to participate in your own psychodrama to work through your own karma. Yes. It's probably because I murdered ISIS and Osiris. You definitely did. A hundred percent.

Keith, I need you to get a number in your mind of what I could pay you to go through one of these unionarian psychodramas. I have a number. It's embarrassingly small. I think it's pretty small. I think it's pretty small. One Bitcoin, Eli. Do you hold on to those? Yeah.

All right. Final question for you all. Where does the Unarius cult rank on your list of favorite cults? Oh, Sarah, this is a tough one. I mean, I'm always hesitant to answer this question. And I get it a fair bit because to me, cults are bad. Yeah, that's fair. A cult is a bad thing, but I might have to make a little exception for Unarius, because

how can one resist these costumes? Okay. You never came across just a fun cult who's just like, no, we're not doing anything about it. We're just larping. We just larp. That's just larp, though. That's not a cult. I'm describing larping now.

Okay. But, you know, like, we should say, like, led by a woman, go girl. Yeah, exactly. In today's day and age, we'll take it. All right. God forbid a woman have hobbies, as the internet would say. I'd rank them pretty high, too. Up near the Yeransha cult, the ones they made the tea and they did the, actually some similar

lore in their thing too. Or the boob cult with the swastikas. Oh, I don't know that one. What? Yeah. Remulins. Remulins. Oh, yeah.

Oh, is it the Raylians? The Rayliens, yeah. Ah, yes. And then we've got happy science cult, which has provided many moves. movies for our podcast. I bet. They make mostly anime films, but it was your first time, Sarah, so I didn't want to expose one of the... They're also like three hours long. Yeah. Oh, well, thanks for the 50 minutes. That was very kind. All right. Well, I think that's going to do it for True Tales of the Past, the saga of Isis and Osiris. But that's not going to do it for the episode just

yet because we found another terrible movie for next week. So Eli, what's on deck? In the 1920s, a man in black rides into a small southern town to visit retribution upon the citizens who strayed from the path of righteousness and religion. He does this, of course, by killing them in various bloody ways.

We'll be watching a day of judgment. Okay, that actually sounds pretty great. So, with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 519 to a merciful close. huge thanks to Sarah for joining us. And Sarah, if people want to hear more from you, where should they go? Oh, you know, any podcasting platform of your choice should host Let's Talk About Sex. Fantastic.

And of course, a big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity. If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash godawful. And that'll get your early access to an ad-free version of every episode. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure check out our sibling shows, The Skating Atheist, Citation Needed, Skeptocrat, and D&D Miner. available in all the podcast places. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godolph Movies at gmail.com, Tim Robertson takes care of our social media.

Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik, Bill Giraffs on Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Sarah and Eli, I'm Heath, promised to work hard to turn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll be with the American graffiti clothes.

Uninarious Cult went on to make 45 more movies on their Vimeo channel. We're going to get to know them real well. Also, I'm pretty sure my aunt was an incarnation of ISIS for a few years in the 70s. She got better. She's better now. All right, Heath, are you back?

I think I'm back. Can you hear us? I hear us. All right, Heath, how long did you think you were completely alone setting up? I was terrified. We kept responding to you and I was like, well, he's not really letting me get in here. For like four. It wasn't until we started talking at the same time that I was like,

oh thank God he can't hear it was kind of meta because I was like and I finished a sentence nobody's talking though do I have more lines I'll go at a certain point we realized and so we were being quiet just listening to you set up jokes with more and more and then they go to a place you have to talk about the movie now you have to be in the podcast too the preceding podcast was a production of puzzle in the thunderstorm LLC copyright 2025 all rights reserved