God Awful Movies - 522: The Buttercream Gang

Episode Date: September 2, 2025

This week, Cara Santa Maria joins us for an atheist review of The Buttercream Gang, the story of four kids growing up on the mean streets of Draper, Utah and trying to survive the gang violence that so often plagues towns like it. Check out more from Cara on the Talk Nerdy podcast Come see us live in New Orleans on September 27th! If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/ Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

I will say this would be my favorite movie if when they had gotten in her house she was just really badly hurt and they all just freak out I want to wait down. I can see your bone. Yeah, right. I didn't see that she's dead.

Use the oil. Use the fucking oil. Our DNA is all over the place, man. We got to burn the house down. Elvin, you've got to eat her. God-awful movie. Movies. Welcome back to the Gamcast,

where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because nobody's done an intervention yet. I'm your host, No Illusions. Heath is off being a very special birthday boy this week. But sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend, Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm fantastic, Noah. Everything stayed very normal while you were away.

Normal and chill. Believe you. And also joining us this week is grizzled veteran of guest masochism and also TV host Science Promoter and host of the Talk Nerdy podcast, Kara, Santa Maria. Kara, welcome back. Mm-hmm. Yep. Oh, you can't tell me you didn't have fun with this movie.

Oh, man. So tell us, Kara, what did you not have fun with this week? I can't even say the name of this. It's so bad. It's so bad. We should lock you saying the name of this movie behind a paywall. It's blurred out of the unpaid version. The Patriots get the unedited version, yeah.

Yeah, so we watched, wait for it, the Buttercream Gang. This is the, I think, 1992 story of what, happens when a kid who's traumatized by the death of both of his parents just doesn't Jesus hard enough. So he joins the sharks, or is it the Jets? Which one was white? Yeah. The Jets was white. Depends on the movie because it's both of them. The answer's both. Gotcha. Yeah. True, true, true. And then he gets Jesus back to his senses. That pretty much sums it up. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love childhood movies about the good old days, but you'd like a

constant reminder that the good old days are exclusively a fantasy that can be harbored by straight white cis men, you will love this movie. I don't know that you will. So is there anything that you'd like to nominate this one for being the best of being the worst at? Oh, best worst priest in a wet t-shirt. Right? Sure. Those were some nipples. Yes. And we've had a few. We've had a few. You have. Wow. Wow. All right. So I was going to go with best worst. gang activities, right? Because the whole point of this movie is that, like, the one kid joins a gang and he starts doing

bad gang stuff. But this movie is not going to do bad gang stuff, right? They're not going to show the kids smoking cigarettes and drinking and doing drugs and being violent or anything. So mostly what they do is break scrap glass, you know? Those are recyclable, Dan. And I am going to go with

best, worst solution to bad behavior. You don't think this would work? You don't think this would... If you grew up with the Giving Tree and you were wondering what the fuck that author was thinking, he was thinking, man, I should do what the buttergreen gang

taught me to do. I don't think the timeline works out quite exactly right in that. But yes, all right. Well, some folks have been waiting for this for a long fucking time. I swear to you, we've been getting requests for this

for like nine goddamn years. So we're going to make them wait a little bit longer. But we'll be back in a minute with all the Norman Rockwell bullshit that is. the buttercream gang. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. I'm telling you, Kara, it's just a simple donk. Stop saying it's a simple donk.

There's no such thing as a simple don't. Hey, guys, what's you doing? Eli wants to hit me in the head. You said you wanted to forget the movie. Yeah, not through head trauma. Well, then don't ask for help, Kara. Guys, if you're having a hard time moving through something that's bugging you, whether or not it's this movie, you should try therapy from BetterHelp.

What's BetterHelp? BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. I don't know, Noah. I hear finding a therapist is hard. How will I know if they can bite through a man's ribcage like a bar of white chocolate? Eli, I swear if you put that website up again.

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No awkward therapist breakups. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Find the one with BetterHelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash awful. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com slash awful. All right, Noah, thanks. Now at least Eli will stop trying to hit me.

Well, to be fair, he's describing a dog. A gentleman's donk. I hate you guys. You say that a lot. Yeah. All right, everyone. I call together this meeting of the ants who live in a red state and are terribly worried their nieces are moving to the big city.

Now, before we begin, has everyone forwarded several chain emails and AI-generated images to everyone they know and posted them in the family text thread? Of course. Never forget. Good. Make sure you accompany it with a caption that says something like praying for you all. Ooh, I love that. Now, as you all know, my nephew, Jeremy, will be spending this summer in the terribly dangerous city of Philadelphia. Oh, my.

Yes, a suburb nearby. So, of course, I went to the Christian bookstore to see if there were any moving pictures I could refer him to about the dangers of such a place. Well, you will not believe what I found. Pausing like this after a sentence is normal and good. I found no movies about the dangers of being in the city for more than 24 hours. Oh, what a pity. I know. So I figure it's about time we make one. It can have action, adventure, and the love only two young people can share.

Oh, yes, I remember my best girlfriend growing up. up. We would never separate it from each other, just bathing in the swimming hole and staring into each other's eyes for long after. Oh, crap, I just turned gay again. You have a cookie. Yeah, no, that will help. That'll help. Happens to the best of us. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're going to start off on a logo that is apparently an untapped gusher of gam material feature films for families. Yeah. So I want to begin, before we get into the juiciness that is this terrible movie, I want to begin with an apology.

People have been recommending this movie to us for years. But because of our work schedule, like when someone made a recommendation in the old days, I would just go and watch the movie and say, oh, it's right for a show, not right for a show. Nowadays, I kind of click around or I'll have someone who reads our email, like, write them back and say, hey, is it really Christian? Because people mean well, right? They're like, oh, it's so stupid. But then they say, is it really Christian.

They're like, no, my uncle's in it. And I hate him. And I'm like, cool. So I clicked around this movie every time it got recommended to us and it looks when you just click around it like a kid's movie. But it is a regular.

Right. It is so fantastic. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it turns out that these folks have created a literal goldmine for us to explore. Oh, yeah, there is a sequel. Yes, there is.

Sure as fuck is. And there's a bunch of other movies. And the thing is that the movie is like, that's my design. Right. This movie is designed to be on TV. TV as you're flipping through channels and then you land on it you're like, ah, you know, fucking

classic 90s sandlot looking mass movie and then it just oh, there's some Jesus. Oh, there's a little Jesus right over there, you know. Yeah. It's designed to sneak it in the way that Christian pop music does. Yeah. And we should also point out that this company is a Mormon company and they will be sneaking in

a lot of Mormonism. Yeah. Oh, it all makes sense now. Yeah, the complete lack of melanin in the film, you mean? Yeah. The Pilgrim Festival. Yes, yeah, right. The Pioneers Day Fest.

You know how all communities have a Pilgrim Festival? Oh, my God. It was called the Settlers. The Settlers Picnic on Pioneer Day. Oh, I can't. So we start up with this logo and the logo just, it dreamed of being so much more, right? Because it's all these houses lighting up and everything.

And it's supposed to be a whole town, but they can only afford like 14 little houses or whatever. It's so sad. Eight bucks a light, you say. Gosh, I guess it could be a small town. So is it meant to be set in the 90s? So, okay, yes and no, right? Because the first thing that happens, we see a bunch of kids in a treehouse.

Their buddy's moving, so they're surprising. He's moving to Chicago because there was a period of like 20 years in film where everyone who moved was moving to or from Chicago, no idea why. So they brought him like Chicago-based sports memorabilia, right? so he'll fit in. One of the things they brought him was a Michael Jordan poster. Right.

So it is set in the 90s, but it's written by somebody from the fucking 50s who doesn't seem to realize that anything changed between the 50s and the 90s. So it's set both in the 90s and the 50s.

It's whiplashingly weird. Yeah, there's the small town grocer with like bushels of apples. He's got a fucking cracker barrel outside, yeah. And like all the cars are, I mean, the cars are pretty cool in it. There's like a bunch of classic cars in it. Well, so, and I think there's like a third

thing competing in terms of its antiquation or whatever. And that's the fact that it's Mormon, right? This was filmed in Utah, which is a land out of time to begin with, you know? I was wondering why it was so beautiful there. Oh, yeah. It's gorgeous. Mountains in the background and spaghetti with ketchup. So I grew up Mormon, never ate that in my life. Don't know what that is. That's pretty fucking gross. Yeah. Look, if you want funeral potatoes. You need some failed experiments. I guess. Spaghetti with ketchup. So, fun fact, my great grandmother actually did cook spaghetti with ketchup. She would

fry spaghetti and ketchup. And she was known as the worst cook in my family. Yes. And was for I think she was doing like a planned incompetence thing. One time they were like, all right, time to cook. And she was like, it's a fucking spaghetti again. And they're like, all right. You're off the hook. Never again. Yep. Yeah. So, okay. So speaking of spaghetti with ketchup, we're going to meet four characters here. We're going to meet Pete, who is the kid who's moving to Chicago.

And we're going to meet his buddies Lenny, Scott, and Eldon, who are the other members of the buttercream gang. Can we describe them? I would love for someone to describe these people. If you can tell these white children apart, you should do NASA and identify new planets in the Star Charts. Exactly. You have Pete and three identical chubby white kids. I could tell two of them apart. I could tell Pete because of his receding.

hairline. Yes. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, his Brooklyn accent kind of gave him away. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can tell Scott with his like Dennis the Menace hair and he's, you know, he's supposed to be the cute, like, wholesome lead. And he's like a normal child, like sort of normal. His eyes are really close together.

And then there are two, as you mentioned, identically, shall I say, husky kids. Sure. But only one of them gets all the butt

of all the fat jokes in the whole movie. One of them is, Yeah, is the fat kid and the other kid is the exact same weight as you. If not a little bigger. Yes. And you're like, what? I have to imagine they like cast these kids two summers before the movie shot. And then everyone showed up and they were like, fuck.

Alden got spelt. Because one is supposed to be the fat one. He's not fat enough for us to read that because he's surrounded by kids around his same size. And then the other one is supposed to be the funny one, which will be expressed by him saying a catchphrase from a commercial twice in the course of the movie. But the second time is worth it the entire. Oh, it really is. It is. It is absolutely.

So, yeah, so we get them, like, sending him up. And he says, like, I guess he was the leader of the buttercream gang. So on his way out, he names Scott as his successor. Scott, the very Aryan-looking kid that Kara just described as a normal kid. So, I don't know. Get her Twitter. Don't know what message she was trying to send there. Fucking get out on Blue Sky and take care of Santa Maria down a peg final.

She said Scott had good jeans. What the hell is he even talking about? No, I remember. We cut it from the podcast, but she said unmixed is how she described them. Oh, my God. I hate you guys so much. Shit, because I did later write white and delightsome. Well, okay.

So to be fair, this is the whitest and most delightsome movie ever fucking made. So, yes. So, okay. So then we get our title and then we get Pete loading it, getting loaded onto a bus to Chicago, to the big city. Yeah, I felt like the logo. It was too creamy. Right.

Yeah. I didn't like it. A little uncomfortable. Yeah. The Mormons have not heard of Come is the only the only way this movie's title makes it. Because look, here's the truth, right? We've all been around grown-ups and children, and some of those grown-ups are weirdos who don't talk about Come, and so someone says something, and you can't say phrasing, or that's what

she said, and so they just get away. with being like, let's call the movie the buttercream guy. That's what happened. No one admitted they knew what come was. Right. No, you see these church signs all the time where you're like, come on, gosh, you've got to know. You've got to know. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, so we get our creamy logo and then everybody

like gives him a hug and rubs his neck a lot. A lot of touching. Touches his face. Yeah. It's a real call me by your name vibe in this movie. Yeah. Yep. Yep. So okay. So then we cut to, like, so he's gone. We cut to like middle school letting out. And the other three kids, Scott, Lenny, and Eldon all jump on their bikes and they're heading

home together, right? Honestly, it took me a minute to realize this was the same group of kids because all of these kids were so fucking identical. Yep. But so they're riding home and suddenly a group of fucking jump rope elves, right? This little gang of little girls like, well, mob them and be like, you have to jump rope with a stat. So they jump rope with them.

Hey, young people, this is what we're going to. we had to resort to before iPads and Roblox, okay? Be grateful. Be grateful you're being groomed online by those predators. You've never had to stop kids and make them jump rope with you. This felt pretty predatory too, because these

are like high school-aged boys jumping rope with probably seven-year-old girls. Yeah, it felt a little fucking weird. Yeah, I think they're supposed to be like last year of middle school, so that's, I think, eighth grade. Yeah. Still too old. Yep. Sure worse. I will say, though, this is the kind of shit that

happens when Lucinda walks through the neighborhood. Kids just appear to make her jump rope with them. It's crazy. So, like, I get it. She has Eldon Powers. So, okay, so then we're going to get this sort of, I guess it's eventually it's going to descend into this letter writing montage between Scott and Pete as they're trying to keep in touch while Pete's in the big city.

Yeah. Do you notice that all rich white boys in the 90s had plaid wallpaper? I mean, the movies they did. They sure the fuck did. What is that? Preparation for their Ivy League colleges. Oh. Right. And they all, for some reason, all the people in this entire film live on, like, plantation housing.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Mm-hmm. Yikes. Apparently, a lot of room in Utah. Yeah. So, but he's writing about, you know, baseball and bullshit. And Pete in, in Shytown is writing about his new group of friends. Now, we introduced, this is amazing. We see him getting back to the apartment. And he's gone to live with his aunt, right? So his aunt turns to him as he's getting home. And she's like, you got to him. all lays on your report card. If your parents were alive, I think they'd be so proud of you. Yep, that's how people talk. Thanks so much, Aunt. I wish you'd stop saying that every time I did or said anything good.

I know you're just doing exposition, but imagine what it's like for the kids. Grammatically speaking, it's just cumbersome, you know, just every single time. You could just say your parents would be so proud of you. The fact that you have to say, if they were a lie. We all both understand

that they're not alive. Wait, also, aren't they like religious? So don't they believe that their parents are still proud of them? Oh, interesting. Yeah. Right.

Yeah. Now, see, that would have been piquing the hand too much on the Mormonism thing. If they had been like, your parents are on your family's planet depending on how Mormon they are right now, looking up slash sideways at you.

So this eventually descends into this like back and forth letter montage where we see that Pete is starting to hang out with the wrong kind of kids. Now, we know they're the wrong kind of kids because one of them has a bandana and another is wearing a fedora. Okay.

Watch this space because I deciphered the bandana code later. Oh, do you? In this episode. Oh, I do. I do. Kara, are you about to walk our audience through hanky code

because I've got to be honest of the people that appear on God-awful movies that I thought would walk our audience through hanky code, you are in second to last thing. I'm full of surprises, Eli. All right. So, yeah, but Pete apparently has joined a gang called the Blades,

which is a hell of a remove from the buttercream gang, I guess. Do you think at any point in joining their gang, he told them the old gang's name? And they were like, you mean like, come, man? He was like, what? Oh, we haven't heard of that. We're Mormon. So, yeah, but also, we learn over the course of this montage that Pete broke the pen pal chain. He's more interested in the blades than keeping a.

up with his friends back home. Yep. There's no good Knicks. Yeah. So that night, we get this amazing, like, Pete getting in trouble scene where it just starts, he's in an alleyway going, guys, where are you? Where did everybody go? And then his friends show up having just robbed something, right?

Yeah. And you can tell he's fallen in with the wrong crowd because he's wearing a leather jacket and a headband now. Yes. Well, obviously, yeah. So, but the cops show up. right away. The cops in Chicago have a one second response time to robbery.

So the cops show up. They run down the alley. They lower the fire escape. And now the cop car can't get through. But there's another cop car on the other side. They have a one second pincher movement response time there in Chicago. So, but yeah. But like, so Pete gets arrested, even though he wasn't involved in the actual robbery,

just from hanging out with the wrong kids, Mormons. See how that happens? Yep. All right. So meanwhile, Scott is just desperately sending letters from back home in a way that gets more and more stalkery as the movie goes on. Oh, yeah. This is a kid who does not give up.

Yeah. So then we get Pete who is fully gangstered. Now, we know he's fully gangstered because he's got his khakis hitched up to his sternum and he's wearing a red bandana. Yeah. Have you noticed, too, that like, honestly, as I was watching it, I was like, I know this is shot in the 90s. I know that this is over the top, ridiculous,

what, like, Mormons think a gang member looks like. But he was fully giving Jeremy Allen White vibes from the bear. Oh, absolutely. Right? It was like the same wardrobe. Jeremy Allen White stole Pete from the buttercream gang's performance pretty much whole hot. All right.

They even have the same shouty, I have trauma speech later in the movie. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Yeah. If this was a video format, I would play those two monologues synchronically. Yes. Yes. But yeah, but he gets

He gets back to his apartment. His gang's there with him. His aunt, though, wants to have pretty serious talk. So the gang has to leave. Boy, Chaswether, turns out he's been expelled from school for breaking into another kid's locker.

Would that get you expelled? I don't think so. I don't think so either. I broke into a lot of kids' lockers. I never got a choice. Yeah. So the rich kids would leave money in them. So, hey, tip for my high school kid,

listeners. So yeah, but she tells him he's hanging out with the wrong friends and she's going to send him back home so he can't, you know, have this bad influence anymore. Yeah. I was so confused there. I was like, so he's going to move back home to Elkridge with his dead parents. Yeah. Like, what is, what is this punishment? I'm going to need you to get in that car under the river with your mom and dad, Jerry P. Jesus. So, yeah, we'll eventually learn that that's where his grandfather lives and his grandfather had been raising him up until he moved out here. But yeah, we don't know that at the time. But back. But back. Back home, Lenny and Scott and Eldon are playing baseball quite bucolicly. I guess they're practicing, right? This is where we meet the baseball coach priest. Woof. That's two raping professions in one. You do not want to have one of those in your town. That's tough.

That's the first definite sign that we're in a Christian movie, though. So I can see why Eli didn't pop out at Eli as he was, you know, popping through the movie here and there. This is the first Christian best. Exactly. Yeah. You got to watch close. You got to pay attention.

Have you noticed, okay, this is just like a weird thing that always bothers me in movies with too much, I don't know, young testosterone. But when they're all sweaty from playing baseball, they have that weird collar of sweat thing. It's like a U-shaped sweat. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Is that a thing that happens in real life? I feel like I've never seen that in real life. I've never had one of those, but I'm not a... I will abstain as an inside kid.

I can assure you that, like, no matter how many times I read the Harry Potter, books. I never got one of them. From inside the air conditioning of my parents' home. I'm less sweaty than most people, but I've certainly never had one of those. And even when it's really hot outside and you get really sweaty, it's like you're back. Yeah, yeah. Right? Like, it's not like weird. But not there. Yeah, I know it's Heath's the birthday and I don't like to give him a hard time for taking his birthday off. I think we all want vacation. But if anyone could tell us about embarrassing sweat rings that form on children, I feel like Heath has a story where he's like,

no, I was at the school dance and my sweat ring tripped an old lady and she yelled my first real and last name into the speakers before she dies. So honestly, it is almost as cruel to do this movie without Heath as it was to do it with Kara.

Yeah, yeah. So, okay, so, but we learn here that Scott's the ringer for the team, right? He's the heavy hitter. He hits a home run in practice, but we also learn that he can't really hit his home runs unless he's relaxed and, feeling good about, you know, he's got good vibes.

Yeah. And the only person who could relax him was Pete. Yeah. And what did they say? Pete can loosen everybody up. Yes, right. And what we forgot to mention at the beginning is this movie has a lot of touching. So much touching.

Like face touching, neck touching, shoulder rubbing, caressing. Ass-smacking? Like the priest smacks the kid on that, smacks Scott on the butt on his way around the baseball diamond ear when he hits his home run. It's true. also so the priest has to be doing like he has to be giving baseball advice to these kids now clearly the actor doesn't know any baseball shit and the writer doesn't know any baseball shit so he just keeps telling the kids just wait for the ball he does that over and over again

which is like i'm sure you do have to wait for the ball right obviously that's when you want to swing when the ball is there but that's the only advice that he manages if i walked out of my podcast studio and found myself at gunpoint having to coach baseball, I would say the things this coach has said. Keep it loose and remember it's all in the heart bright eyes can't loose.

But we learned that Eldon is such a fuck up here. You can tell because he's overweight. Again, not in a noticeable way. Only because they keep drawing attention to it. And he talks about eating a lot. Yeah.

Right, right. Well, and they talk about him being fat a lot. That's how we know. Yeah. And also, by the way, I was so absurdly proud of this joke when I wrote it in my notes. He says, like, Scott can only hit home runs when he's relaxed. I said, the trick is to think about baseball. He's so fucking proud of that.

So, yeah. So, but then the little girl that, like, grabbed him for jump roping earlier, she shows up. The old widow Jenkins has fallen down and ease their help. Yeah. So if we haven't been clear yet, the buttercream gang, they're like a good deeds gang. We're going to get their origin story later, but, like, that's what they do. They go around town doing good deeds. And one of those good deeds is apparently emergency medical help for the elderly.

Yes, yes. I think that's their main job, actually. Why the fuck would they not call 911? 1992, we had 911, by then. You know, and even before that, we had, like, the operator and the police. That number was just written right there on the pay phone. I've written approximately 10,000 times in my notes. This is why people voted for Trump.

And this is one of the... Trump thinks they'll just cut all the Medicaid, but that the old people will be helped by the buttercream gangs of their local towns. You're so right. And municipalities. You are right, yeah. No, no lie. When I have had some in-depth conversations with my very Mormon father

about, like, social safety net programs and about kind of our idealized version of American government. We almost always net out at the similar end point, but it's the getting there that we wildly differ on and where he'll basically describe a liberal wet dream about government support of poor and disabled people, right, and disenfranchised people. And I'll be like, right, that's what we want. He's like, no, no, no, but the church. Like in our community, we, and I'm like, yeah, but everybody can't be Mormon.

You have to exclude people or it's no fun. But what if there was a gay guy at the soup kitchen, honey? Like, what the fuck? Think, damn it. So, yeah, so they leave to go help the old widow Jenkins. They do not call the police. And not only that, but when the coach is like, hey, guys, where are you going in the middle of practice? They're like, nowhere important.

This bugged me the most when they were like, guys, you can't leave. It's the middle of practice. And they were like, no, we got to go. They don't tell him, we're going out to help an old woman who fell down. I'm pretty sure he'd be like, okay, go ahead. I'm pretty sure he'd call the police He would be like no Your honestly

I will say this would be my favorite movie If when they had gotten in her house She was just really badly hurt And they all just freak out Ah! I want to wait down I can see your bone Yeah right Use the oil

Use the fucking oil Our DNA is all over the place Man we gotta burn the house down Elvin, you got to eat her. So, yeah, so they bike out to help Mrs. Jacob. So, by the way, apparently lives like 35 miles from baseball practice, right? It's a really long biking montage, like really long. Really long.

And you have to assume that little jump rope girl had to bike this whole way the first time, right? She probably had to pass the hospital and the police department to get here. I also, I think the little jump rope girl is Scott's little. sister? Yes. Because she's always creepily just hanging out in the background of lots of scenes. Did you guys notice that? She's just creeping. Well, that's as relevant as women were allowed

to be until she's up. Right, it's a more of a movie. Until the towers fell, women weren't allowed to instigate any incidents. I have to say, so Eli texts me like a few days before this movie and he's like, this is like the most sexist piece of shit. Like you have to take a baby aspirin by law, like otherwise I will be liable,

right? And so I was like really gearing up. But to me, this feels normal sexist. Isn't that sad? This doesn't feel exceptionally sexist at all. Right. Like for 19, by 1992 standards, it was downright progressive. The woman's allowed to talk. Oh, it's downright woke. Yeah. I kept thinking about, do you hear that bell hooked quote that is like a man who experienced a woman's life would find themselves in hell, embarrassment, physical pain, and the boredom of desperation? There you go. All are the women's experience when you are a man viewing it through that lens or whatever. I don't know the exact, I don't know the exact,

I just kept thinking after the movie because I kept being like, oh, the good old days while the woman's like, get out of here! Yeah, it's bad. No girls allowed on the road. Yeah, it's bad.

Like, there are like, let's see, one, two, three women in this, no, four. There's the widow Jenkins. Sure. There's Scott's mom. Oh, five. Sure.

There's Pete's aunt. Yep. There's Scott's little sister. And then there's the love interest, which we'll get to because that is really sexist, but also a total trope that's in every movie of this era and today. And none of them talk to,

I mean, it doesn't pass the Bechdel test because all of them only talk to men. Actually, Scott's mom never speaks. No, she doesn't. She just nods along to whatever his father has. The women in this movie wouldn't pass the Turing test. Yes, exactly. I do think the only time

that a woman talks to another woman in this movie, they're talking about the boys. Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, the women do gather at one point to have a meeting about the men There are two times. One times when two girls talk about Scott and one time when like seven girls talk about Pete, yes.

Yep, good times. So, okay. So eventually, though, they make it to the widow Jenkins and it turns out they can see her from the window. She's fallen down, but the doors are locked. Not sure why. But so what they're going to have to do, guys, this is a great idea,

is throw a rope over the balcony and haul Scott upstairs so that he can climb through the wind. window and then unlock the door for them. He like swings like Tarzan style. He doesn't even climb the fucking rope. He makes them yank him up

there. They tie him away. And hey, young people, if you ever disappointed in our generation, if you're ever wondering why Gen X and millennials failed to change the world, it's because this was our childhood. Our parents were just getting divorced and remarrying while we swung each other from ropes

to rescue the abandoned elderly. That actually is fairly accurate. We had a lot going on. I do miss the era of our lives where, like, nobody knew where you were ever and nobody cared. Yeah, that was pretty nice. Just wandered out of your house. Yep. And they walked away from school.

Like, small children when the school bell rang just left. Yep. You know? Just walked off. You can't do that now. You know that? Like here in L.A., you have to be on, like, an approved pickup list. It's crazy.

Yeah. So, okay, so they get into help the widow Jenkins. And apparently they, like, as they're doing this, they're like, oh, you know, this is a standard operation. We've done this a dozen times before. He crawls through the window, right? Yeah.

Yeah. Did you notice that her house is full of red carpet? I did notice that. Wow. Also, note for the widow Jenkins, if you fall down all the time and have to be rescued by children,

stop locking your doors. That's what I'm saying. Yes, leads the fucking you're in fucking Utah. And then, so they get her upright and they're like, can we help you with anything else? And I'm like, maybe you could get her

a fucking med alert bracelet or something, you know? Mm-hmm. But then she's like, and this got me a little suspicious, she's like, well, you know, while you're here, I could use a few things from the store. And I'm like, this is her con. Yeah. She just lays down when she needs DoorDash because they didn't have DoorDash in the 1990s. She just lays down, hopes a kid will notice and come in to help her. And then she'll be like, oh, well, you're here anyway. How about some free labor? Well, now I'm super curious. How did that little girl know that she fell down? Right. She's on an upstairs. They're on a rotating shift schedule. Everyone has to check on the widow Jenkins at noon. Four and eight p.m. Gotcha, gotcha. But we should also point out that, like, because the widow Jenkins will come back again and again,

they're helping the widow Jenkins quite a bit in this movie. And, like, the character of the widow Jenkins should be this, like, poor lady, right? But this mansion that they're breaking. It's got this balcony upstairs. This is this gorgeous fucking,

like, like, Carrey says, another plantation home. Yeah. Right, it's a plantation home. If, if the old widow Jenkins is doing so poorly, how about she sell that fucking house and buy something a little more reasonable for a woman her age

just living alone. Yeah, get a little living help. If I can't have a third ballroom for children to rescue me out of, there's no point in living, no illusions. So, okay, so now it's time for them to go to the grocery store. We have to meet Mr. Graff, the grocer. Right. And he's going to fill us in on the lore of the buttercreamers.

This is also more Mormon lore, right? He tells us that the buttercreamers got their start after a bunch of men died in a raid. Yep. Engine raid, which is how. the Mormons refer to them getting in trouble for the murdering they were doing in the area. Yeah. Yeah, but his Mr. McGrath's, or Mr. Graff's great-grandfather was one of the first generation of buttercreamers. Oh, God, stop saying it.

And Mr. Graff, he looks 70, so that's 45 in 1992 years. Oh, yeah. Which means they're probably, what, like Gen 5, Gen 6 butter creamers? Oh, yeah. Fucking nuts, man. It's tradition. stuck. But yeah, apparently it all started after an engine raid, killed

a bunch of guys, and then they needed they sent the young boys out to churn the widow's butter for them. If you know what I mean. And that's how they became the butter creamers. Oh, God. I wrote that too, Eli. I wrote, got to

churn the widow's butter. Otherwise, they get all backed up. Oh, no. Okay, I watched this really late. It is going to be hanging. code, isn't it? One of us. One of us. And look, as wholesome as this whole idea is, right?

So, like, for the last six generations, kids in this town have gone around and they've helped the elderly and blah, blah, blah. It's also one of the ways that racial privilege presents itself, right? Because this is something that only happens if you're, you could only happen if you're upper middle class, if you're white, if you're in these little tiny towns or whatever, something like that, right? So this is another example of the again and make America great again that was a fiction. It was always an illusion of privilege.

Oh, 100%. There's a point where Pete is talking about, like, we'll get there, but Pete's talking about Scott Spike and how much he wants it and how come he doesn't lock it up. And he's like, what do you mean? And he's like, well, you couldn't do that in Chicago. Somebody would steal it. And in their eyes, that's because in Chicago there's not enough Jesus.

Yes. Not because in Chicago there are all these systemic problems. Right. Right? That cause people to have desperation. No, no, there's just a lack of morals. It's just one of those inherent. And it's like Noah pointed out earlier in the movie, right?

Which is that like the buttercreamers don't help anyone in need. Right. They do little chores for fellow upper middle class white people. Right. There's one person in financial desperation in this movie and everyone treats him like shit, including the children. Right. They do nothing. Yeah.

Nobody ever does anything. We never see him doing favors for Pete's grandpa, right? which everybody agrees is destitute. Yeah. So they get the groceries. They take them to Miss Old Widow Jenkins. And now Scott has a paper route. So he's got to go do his paper route.

Okay. This makes me so mad. And I feel like we didn't talk about this enough in the notes here. Scott is delivering papers daily at what looks like 4 or 5 p.m. Yes. It's a different time. Kara, in 1992, you didn't need the news until you got home. No, from your hard day of work.

Oh, guys, I'm going to, I'm going to old guy at you a bit. That would be the afternoon edition. Oh, God. Yeah. So into the 90s, a lot of newspapers still had afternoon. It really wasn't until the days of the internet, you know, until the internet became ubiquitous, that newspapers pretty much universally stopped having evening additions. But, yeah, when I was a kid, I delivered evening edition papers after school, yeah.

Wow, people read the paper twice a day. Yes, twice a day. That's so intense. We didn't have 24-hour news back then, you know, like, so, like, so, like, Like, yeah, yeah, the evening news or whatever, but that's half an hour format. So, yeah, that was the only real way to get the news. Can I tell you guys what a spoiled piece of shit I was as a kid? Because this is a great opposition to Noah's story.

So my parents got me a paper route when I was a kid because it would build character or whatever. But it was the morning one before school. I did it for two days. And then when I woke up on the third day to do it, I cried and was like, I really don't want to wake up this early. Please don't make me. But you couldn't quit in the middle of the week. So my dad, my hardworking 9 to 5 middle school teacher dad drove around our neighborhood. Listen to him, 9 to 5 middle school teacher.

Every middle school teacher is like 9. What the fuck are you talking about at 9? He's like 6 to 6 maybe. Yeah, part 3 to 3. Yeah. My dad went and fucking delivered the papers for me for the extra three days. Oh, God. And then quit on my behalf.

So, yeah, so, but he's out there newspaper. And then they very sloppily introduced at the graduation dance, like for the last day of middle school is coming up. What is that? Weird Mormon shit, I would imagine. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, it's, okay, so I will say, this movie has a bunch of the, like, dating romance tropes

that you see in later movies for high school kids. Yeah. For these middle school children. and it is bizarre. I guess I thought that they were in early high school only because Pete's hairline is really bad at a much older man.

Right, right, yeah, no. Now, that kid was bald by the time he was 19. Yeah. So, yeah, so, but as they're two in this, Scott throws one of his newspapers and he hits Margaret the love interest. In the head.

In the head, yeah. Yeah. And he goes, oh, sorry, Margaret, I didn't see you there. And she goes, what's new? Right? Because he never notices Margaret. Yeah, she's just background wallpaper.

Exactly. I would have to point out, Margaret, only actor in this movie that went on to have any kind of acting career and literally the only one who has like a picture on IMTV. Oh, interesting. And you know why he didn't see her, right?

Because she had glasses. Because of her glasses. Right. Yeah, that made her completely unfuckable. And if you can't fuck her, she doesn't exist. Yeah, don't notice her. The movie will later clarify when these children are ready to fuck

and it's when one of them isn't wearing glasses. Absolutely. Absolutely. So he gets home to, dad, the family prays to remind us that this is, in fact, a Christian movie totally counts. Christian movie, yeah. I don't like that he put his hat on the table. Okay, yeah, that's kind of gross.

Interesting. It's weird. Grossed me out. Yep, yeah. I'm with you. So, okay, so the next day, the gang is at school. They're lamenting the lack of Pete. And they're like, he's like, hey, I don't have a newspaper route today and we don't have

practice. We should all go to Pete's house after school. And I'm like, why? You have no reason to think Pete will be. Well, like, we know Pete got sent home early, but you don't know that yet. You could worship at that shrine we have in his bedroom. Yeah, what's the fuck?

We can just go smell his pillow. Oh, no. So, yeah, so, but then as they're talking about this, they run into Margaret, like bodily, like, like slam into her. Because, again, she's wearing glasses. You can't see her. She's not pretty enough. Yeah, she's not real.

Yeah. But, like, I wrote my note, no, she's the love interest, but she's still in the hair pulled back in glasses. phase of attractiveness, which is always creepy, but it's especially creepy when you apply that trope to a kid, you know, because she's like 10 or 11. It's just, yeah. But she's doing a report on how bad the gangs are in Chicago. Which, okay, if they lived in the suburbs in Illinois, that would make sense. That right. Why is she doing a report for her middle school, I don't know, Utah, we have to assume. Ethics class? Yeah. In Utah.

An extra credit report, no less. Oh, is it? Yeah, because she's such a goody two shoes. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And she has all these pictures printed out of gangs in Chicago. I was so sure they were going to see Pete in one of those pictures or whatever. They didn't.

They didn't. It wasn't that lazy. So, okay. So, but after school, they all go to Pete's house, right? And damn it, if Pete's not there. And they're like, wow, we weren't going to jerk off on your mattress at all, man. No. Did you notice that the porch at Pete's house was covered in fake grass?

Yeah. No, I could, I noticed nothing because there was so many fucking bugs in front of the camera on that scene. Yeah, I remember that shot. I've never seen that before, but the BF who was watching with me, he's a Mishigander. That's what you call them, apparently, a Mishigander. I am a Mishigander, yeah. You are, okay, and he was like, that's so Midwestern.

And he's now a Mishigander, yeah. He said that's a very Midwestern thing of the era. Absolutely, yeah. No, I remember seeing it. You could like wipe your feet on it or whatever, yeah. So, but now when they get into pizza, house, they see immediately that he's dressed all gangster, by which I mean he's wearing a yellow button-down shirt with only the top button button, like a fucking civil war officer or something.

No, he's very L.A. Oh, is he? Is he? Yeah, yeah. It's a very L.A. look. I'm kind of not mad at it. Is this come back around? Is this how we're going to see you dress next time we see the karate headband and a single button on your button down your bowling shirt. My long shorts and my tall socks. Yeah, exactly. Right. So he's like, hey, guys, I'm so glad to see you.

Let's go out. I'll get you guys treats. Now, we haven't mentioned this yet. I can't with the treats. They keep referring to treats. Like, this movie was written by a dog. Right? Let's go out for treats.

Treats. You're humans. You're going to go outside? Yeah. We'll go for a walk. So they go to the grocery store. And Pete, who is now thoroughly citified, is stealing from old Mr. Graff. He's shoplifting.

Very obviously. Very obviously. He didn't learn to steal good. No, he does it by screaming. I am stealing right now at the top of his lungs. Right. So they go outside. He gets away with it.

They go outside. And Pete's like, here, guys have some stolen goods. He doesn't tell him they're stolen. Right. They think he's bought him. And then he's like, hey, guys, we should go down to the swimming home. and have fun because we're kids and they're like, no, we have to do unpaid labor

for old Mrs. Jenkins who has a very large house and probably has a substantial amount of savings where she could probably just hire somebody to do this shit. If we don't mow our lawn on time, she's going to chuck herself down the stairs again, Pete. You know how she gets.

But Pete doesn't want to go help old Mrs. Jenkins. He's going to go have fun instead. So he lies to him and tells me he's late for something. And I guess that means Pete's got a set of tracks to cross, so we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be back in a minute with even more of the buttercream gang.

Yeah, let me call you right back. I'm just tossing some clothes in the dryer. Oh, my God. Oh, thank God. Oh, it took you long enough. Eli, Noah, what are you guys doing in my dryer? Working out, of course. Yeah.

You're working out inside my dryer. Well, we were working out. Then we were trying to escape. Yeah. Who leaves her wet clothes? closing the wash for an hour. It's a small building. Selfish. Selfish.

Okay, but that still doesn't answer why you guys were using my dryer for a workout. Have you ever been in one of these things? It's like a sauna and an aerobic exercise. Well, and plus weightlifting if we get in there together. It's true. Guys, whatever workout you do needs to be sustainable. You should try FitBod. What's FitBod?

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All right, Kara, thanks. But Noah, if you knew about FitBod, why were you in the dryer? Believe it or not, that's what it recommended. Yeah, me too. I do. Do not believe it. Hey, guys, you ready to sign up for baseball? We sure are. Aren't you sport? Yeah, Dad. All right, well, I'm past Michaelson. Oh, you're the baseball coach and the pastor? Well, what's the matter, Dad? Oh, nothing. Just, hey, Billy, I taught you about Stranger Danger, right? Dad, you're embarrassing me. Yeah, yeah, no, I'm the pastor, the baseball coach, and also, you know, I'm the leader of the local

Boy Scout troop. Come on, the odds are so bad now. Odds of what? Dad, please. Odds of my kid not having the best summer ever. Oh, well, that's just fantastic to hear. Hooray! Now, why don't I tell you about my time as a Republican senator while we walk around the field? Oh, come on. And we're back for more of this shit.

We're going to rejoin the action with Scott lamenting to Lenny and Eldon that Pete just isn't buttercream material anymore. Yeah, he's worried that he's lost his buttercream spirit. Yes, exactly. So, they're like, you know, Lenny and Elton are like, what the fuck are you talking about, man?

He gives us so, he gets so many more treats for us now, right? And he's like, well, right, but where's he getting the money for that? When his grandpa, who we don't help in any way is so poor. And, hey, why isn't he in school? And I wrote in my notes, Scott's a bit of a fucking narc, isn't he? Why don't you? He's got a good thing going. Why don't you fuck off?

That'll be a theme. That will be a theme. Yes, right. meanwhile, okay, so we cut to the fucking pitchfork mob of jump rope kids. They're playing a game of kick the can under enormous amounts

of peer pressure. Yep, kick the bucket. This is why we had an opioid crisis, everybody. Doctors didn't tell people how it did. No, the alternative was kick the bucket under peer pressure. And I was like, I would love to grind up some Vicodin and snort it,

guy who I've never met before yet. Makes a lot of stuff. But what's happening here is Scott is going to see Margaret because she knows all about Chicago gang life and he wants to know, you know, what's happened to Pete. Was that your Midwestern accent coming out there? Yeah, it was. It was a Chicago. Chicago gang life.

Yeah, exactly. Love it. But, you know, he's like, hey, I really enjoyed your gang report about Chicago the other day. I was wondering if, like, I could borrow it. And then she gives him a, I don't think you really like me, for my gang reports test? Yeah.

She's like, oh, yeah, what were my three main bullet points? He's like, oh, fuck you. Okay, you know what? I don't have to read. I'm just asking you for emotional and psychological labor. Go! Yeah, he literally asked her if he could read her report, and she's like, it's at school.

And then he's like, I'll wait. Yeah, cool, yeah. She's like, fucking what? Chop, chop. And he's at her house. Yes. He goes to her house and he's like, I'll just sit here with your sister.

Yeah, when she says, says you have to walk with me if you want the report I wrote in my notes, male loneliness, epitemic. So, okay, but so they walked to the school to get the report. We cut to, it's that evening now. It's pouring down rain. And Scott's dad comes on me, he comes across to him reading Margaret's report on the porch, right?

So they can have, now they're going to have a heart to heart about what's going on with Pete. There's a moment here where dad says, yeah, you know, I heard Pete turned some heads with the way was dressed in town and I'm like, what the fuck kind of town is gossiping about the way a 12-year-old was dressed in town? What the fuck is wrong with you, people? It's a Mormon town. Yeah. I guess, yeah. Yeah. And dad's advice, by the way, is, well, look, if you think Pete stole, you should have narked on him way before now. You got to narc right away, son. That stolen pie was really burning a hole in his pocket. Like, all of the other kids had eaten their treats, but not Scott, he's just carrying it around

like a pet. Yeah, like the beating hard under the wall. Yes, exactly. Right. Also, I love that the dad says here, he says, well, also, real gangs are real dangerous. And I wrote, I want that on a t-shirt.

But also consider the conflicting advice that he gets right here, right? So dad's like, you know, you should narque on him for sure. But you should also confront him about it and tell him that you're going to gnarc about it. But also he's dangerous. Yes, but also, but Dave, but they're very dangerous. So when you do, you know, protect your gut and your throat.

What are you doing, Dad? I want to talk about one insane moment happens at the end of the scene here. So the men are like, all right, son, let's go get some dinner, right? And they walk out of the scene. And then the sister runs onto camera and reads Scott Scraps, which is all the letters women were allowed in the 90s. It's fucking nuts. Everything about this scene is weird because, like, also, he, He went to Margaret's house, made her get her report from school, give it to him, is sitting

on the porch in the windy rain, reading it, and then just gets up and leaves it on the table. She doesn't even put a fucking rock on it or anything. What an asshole. It belonged to a lady person. No problem. Yeah. It's frick. But now, yeah, but the weird like sister sneaking in and soaking up the leftover scene or

whatever is going to happen quite a bit, right? Oh, yeah. She's like, you know, she's like one of the kids that Morpheus and John Wick employs, she's like that, you know? I don't know what that means. Okay, well, you know, everyone, but you does, Karen.

So, wow. Kara, when you agreed to be on this podcast, we were very clear that you needed to be caught up on the Wick first for the episode. You don't have to be caught. You don't have to watch the ballerina, but you have to be caught in the mainline films. So, okay, so then Scott goes to his room

thinking about what dad told him, and damn it if Pete hasn't been, laying in his bed in Scott's bed in the dark with his fucking shoes on until Scott came in and turned the light on. Yeah, there's a lot of like homo erotic vibes in this film

but I think here they're starting to be solidified for me. This is what I'm starting to realize what's going on and I dig a little deeper. You will see. Yeah. To be fair, Pete is just going to be like, hey, you know, we're, thanks for letting me steal,

blah, blah, blah. But like, that means Pete's plan was to somehow sneak past all of Scott's family lie on his bed in the dark and wait there for at least the length of the conversation of Scott and his dad and the time it took Scott to read the report on the porch.

And eat dinner. Right? Because he asked he brought him in for dinner after that. Yeah. Right. So he's probably been there for like three and a half hours going like, I God, I wish there was enough light to read at least something. And he could have just like walked into the kitchen. He's supposed to be this kid's best friend. Right. He could have just

knocked on the door and said, hey, is Scott? home. Yeah. Also, I'm really poor. Can I eat some dinner? Yeah, right. Show a bro dinner. But yeah, but he's like,

hey, thanks for not narcic on me about the stolen hostess price or whatever. I'll change and I'll go and I'll apologize to Mr. Graff and I'll never do it again. And then he imitates some commercials because apparently that's his bit. He imitates commercials. This is why all the elder millennials are by.

Okay, young people. If you had a choice between trying gay stuff and acting out commercials for your friends, you would be by too, okay? We had no choice. All right. Makes sense. Society made us this thing.

So, but the little sister, we see her once again. Like she soaks up the leftover scene here, right? She walks my and hears all of this. So the next scene is their first real flub on the Bechdel test here, right? Where the little sister goes to Margaret for advice about Pete. Mm-hmm. Right? Because Margaret is the other named female character.

Yeah. You say other named, but the little girl doesn't have a thing. No, you're right. You're right. Everybody else is man's something, right? Like every other female character has a fucking, yeah, an apostrophe before her. Widow Jenkins. Yeah, well, right, right.

Even old lady Jenkins we're going to refer to by her dead husband the whole time, aren't we? She's also just Mrs. Jenkins, but yeah. Yeah, they might as well just be like, of Stephen. Yeah. Oh, like it's so fun. It's like the Bible. Yeah, right. So, yeah, so but little sister says, hey, you know, I think.

Pete's doing some bad stuff, and Margaret's like, ah, we need to gather evidence, watch everything he does, mark it down, take photographs, make charts, like what the fuck is going on with Margaret? Which is so weird because it will never be relevant to the rest of the movie. They'll never like deliver a report to help anybody or tell on Pete or do it. And there'll never be a moment where somebody's like, oh, where's Pete? And Margaret's like, well, you know, I actually have a whole gang of people watching them everywhere. I know, you know, whatever.

And the little sister, she goes, well, why would we do that? And Margaret's entire answer is, buttercreamers can't do everything. Yeah, they're going to be the buttercreamettes. Yeah, yeah, she gathers all the little girls together in the tree house and explains that they're going to now be the buttercreamettes. I wanted so badly for baby Kara in 1992 to raise her hand and be like, I'd like to self-define, shut up, Kara. Yeah, I wrote my notes.

You know, like how Kara is. is a guest massacistess? Oh, yeah. Jesus. Thanks for that. All the episodes with you, we don't ever tell you, but all the episodes with you

are God off of Movini's. I'm just throwing away. So, yeah, so they enacted that plan. Then we see Pete, he's gathering people for his new bad guy gang, the anti-butter creamers, if you will. Oh, it's like the gayest meat cute.

Oh, yeah. When he meets these guys, yeah. He's just hanging out of his school once out. He sees one kid shove another kid and he's like, there's my muscle. I can't know, but notice you guys are not using your words appropriately. Can't rejoin me for some shenanigans? Yeah.

He's like, well, I don't know. Do you have a hideout? He goes, do I have a hideout? Is this a gang or is this a fucking gang? Look, abandoned barn. Boom, hideout. Is this when the song happens? Yeah, yeah.

No, the terrible Jesus song. Yeah, we get the same song twice, which is fucking awful. Yeah. Oh, it's so painful to listen to. Yeah. And so the whole montage is we see buttercreamers doing very wholesome things and good things, but Pete and his new friends doing bad kid things. But for some reason, part of that bad kid things is like swimming in the river together shirtless.

Yes. Well, that's what's so funny, right? Because like Noah mentioned at the beginning, right? They don't actually have the guts to show the bad kids doing bad things. So the good kids are doing free chores for people. The bad kids are having a childhood. Yes. Right.

Well, there is one moment where, like, the bad kids go up to the playground and there's a couple of little girls on the seesaw. And they just pick them up and toss them off the seesaw. And they take that seesaw. That's amazing. Because they're badass 14-year-old gang members who want a seesaw, but like a bad ass. Yeah.

I want to point out, there was a free seesaw sitting right next to him. There was, like, a second one right there with nobody on. They wanted that seesaw. But the little kids could have just taken the other one. They were sad after that and injured probably. I'm sure. Well, yeah, there's that. They're also going around town with a spray can.

And at one point, I'm pretty sure that Pete tags the word black. Yes, that's what I wrote. He just wrote the word black. Okay. So here's the terrifying thing. As near as I could tell from the discourse online about this movie, the name of his gang is The Blacks. What?

In like the material that they released going along with this, who starts a nude gang, The Blacks, and then eventually somebody's like, hey, Mormons, A, Mormons, our reputation here isn't great anyway. So they moved away from that when they actually released the film. I should say, I don't know that that's true, but I just, that's what I read. It's probably, it's probably true.

He joined the Blades in Chicago, and let's see, what else are we afraid of? The Black, you know, good job, Margaret. you stop selling, you hit gold. Oh, yeah. So, but, by the way, graffitiing the school, that is the closest that they will ever get to something. Actually, they show them stealing a bunch of apples,

like fucking hobbits, right? Oh, yeah. At one point, I think he steals a sack of flour. Yeah, what are they going to do with that? Cut lines of it? They're going to snort the flour? Fuck it. We see them breaking bottles, of course.

Yeah, there's a lot of that. But, of course, in contrast, the butter creamers are cleaning up along the highway. like a bunch of fucking nerds. You know. Fucking weird. And again, like just all of this idealized like children doing good days. These are all things that need to be systemized.

It's bad for you to wait for a gang of kind children to do these things. You need to be. Because it's just, it's like talking to Kara's dad. We just need one more step to your morality, which is where we make those things official and pay people a living wage to do them. Right. Right, because otherwise, if these kids didn't do these good deeds, this town would just be overrun with garbage and there'd be dead widows everywhere. With garbage and dead old ladies.

And the old ladies would be dead and stinking the place up. Yeah. No, exactly. Horrible. And also, some of it is just jobs, right? So that we see the bad kids stealing the apples and then we see the good kids helping out and picking the apples at the orchard and giving them to the, but that's just a job. That's just a person's job that somebody should get paid for. Yep.

Yep. So, but now, so that montage closes off with Scott Lenny and Eldon in the treehouse chatting about how incorrigible Pete has become. He's just not showing up to clean the highway and do free chores. Yep. And if he's not going to do that, damn it, he can't be in the buttercream gang. Yes, exactly. So now, Scott is resistant, right?

Scott wants to forgive Pete, but Eldon and Lenny put their footstep, right? Just about that time, Margaret shows up with a progress. report on like trailing Pete and they sex as a matter for a while. Yeah, she shows up and she's like, I have ideas and one of the kids literally goes, I'll tell you when you can talk. Yep. They have

an interruption horn that they use on her. Yep. But yeah, yeah, right. And these are the good kids, right? Like this is just good, wholesome fun yelling at the girl for her gender. Right. This is never behavior that they'll like learn a lesson about or correct. This is

what the good kids do is that they They are sexist to the girl who is there to, the much smarter girl who is there to help them. Right. Yeah, this system only works when the women are subservient. Yeah. So, but she's like, hey, so like, you owe me a favor because of the report. I wanted to let you know, Pete's become an asshole, and you need to stand up to him.

Yep. And he's like, oh, is that the favor? And she's like, nope, that's just what you need to do. The favor is you have to take me to the dance. Yeah, that was bold. Right. And he's like, gulh, yuck, girls are the worst. even though she's the only girl

in the whole town that's his age. Right, yes, we've seen no others, yeah. Flash cut to the widow Jenkins sitting on her floor wearing a corsage. All right, I'm fucking getting up then. No, no. But as Margaret walks away, we see that Pete has been in the shadows this whole time.

So he knows that she knows. It's okay. So now we've got Scott. He's delivering newspapers in a snit, right? Because all that forced girl dating he's got to do now. But as he's doing it, he sees Pete

and his two thugs harassing Margaret. Okay, maybe it's just because I've watched too many horrible modern movies that use sexual violence and gendered violence as a plot point. But did you guys have like a oh no, they're going to do something bad to Margaret

yeah, I mean, I thought they were going to get worse than tugging her ponytail, which is as far as they're going to go in this film. And I appreciate that. It's like the movie turned to me and was like, hey, man, you should stop watching everything you get sent by the director's guild. And I was like, yeah, yeah, no, that's fair. We're a kid's movie.

Yeah, I know, you're a kid's movie. I'm sorry. Your morals seemed kind of fucked up, but I wasn't really sure what would be a cool and not cool way to blur. But see, this just reinforces what I was saying, Eli. I was like, this is normal sexist. Right.

Like, this is, we're so fucking, like, exposed to this that, yeah, we expect it. It's terrible. Yeah. So, of course, Scott rides to her rescue. Yeah, but then he's mean to her. Yeah, right. Like, he saves her and he goes, bye, Margaret. Like, get the fuck out of here. Walk away, you fucking idiot. Goal. I'm here only in your relationship to violent men, Margaret, not as a friend and I don't see you as a human being.

Yeah, right. But yeah, him and Pete have it out. You know, they talk about like how he's become a real asshole. And he tells him, hey, man, you know, you're not a buttercreamer anymore. And Pete's like, did you fucking hear what you just said? a fucking, but yeah, I don't want to be a fucking buttercreamer anymore. Jesus Christ, man. This back and forth is so infuriating. At one point, he's like, man, I'm just having fun lay off. And Scott's like, maybe you should look up the word fun in the dictionary. And then Pete has this great retort.

He goes, yeah, well, who cares about that? And I'm like, was this written by AI? They didn't write me a third line for this interaction. Fuck you. Yeah, right. Yeah. Well, that's where you have to land where you can't just say, fuck you. But also, like, even within their own stupid fucking movie.

it's a manifestation of class privilege, right? Because he's like, you keep taking everything that you want. And Pete is like, well, yeah, but you already just have all the shit that you want. Yeah. Right? He's like, yeah, I'm stealing fucking treats, but you can buy him because your fucking family's rich. My parents are dead so I can't. So you and I have the same amount of fucking shit at the end of the day.

Well, and that's the thing that they keep seeing the point and going right by it. Because spoiler alert, later on when they're trying to turn him, they just kill him with kindness and give him free shit so that he can't steal, right? You can't steal if I just give it to you. And then he's like mad. He's like, ooh, I'm not evil anymore. And it's like, yeah, you don't have to be. Right.

That's the point. Oh, no, a series of microloans reduce crime significantly more than police presence. Yeah, right, yeah. Explodes into a white cloud of virtue. So delights him. So, okay. So then, but Scott shows, I know, we get Scott showing. up at Margaret's place all spiffed up in his

little tie and his fucking candy striper shirt. I don't know what's going on here. He fully looks like a missionary and I did not even realize yet that this was like a Mormon movie. Oh yeah, yeah. No, you're right. It has, yeah. But mom comes out and she's like, well, if she's not going to fuck yeah, I am, I'll tell you that.

Oh, Scott, I would ride that all day every day. Why don't you come sit real close to me on this swing? And again, it's just so weird because it's a scene that we might see in like a high school movie now, right? The boy picks the girl up for the dance, but they're, they're so young. They're such children.

This is not American pie. It's real toddlers and tiara's vibes going on. Which is added to by the fact that Margaret's about to come out and be pretty for the first time. Yeah, she took off her glasses and now she is horny. Pretty people don't have. She took off her glasses and she's dressed like a cupcake at a baby shower. Oh, she looks exactly like the girl in Napoleon Dynamite. Oh, God, she does, yeah.

Like your sleeves, yeah. Yeah, and then they have the corsage moment, and he's embarrassed because he does not pin corsage zone because that's gay. It's such a perfect captivation of male privilege. This is what the movie chose to do. She's like, well, aren't you going to pin us corsage? I mean, he's like, I don't know how. And then the other woman swoops in and she's like,

fuck, Margaret, you're such a nag. Pin a flower on him yourself. Yes. And also, she does say I like it, it's pretty or something. And he goes, my mom bought it. My mom got it. I don't care.

I don't know how to load the dishwasher. I don't think orgasms are real when you have them. Male loniest epidemic. Blue balls. I have blue balls right now. Someone buttercream me. Oh, Jesus.

So, okay, so they walk to the dance together because apparently mom had better. shit to do than drive them. I'm like, hey, you know what? The last time your daughter walked through this town, she was accosted by a gang. I just want to point that out. Oh, yeah. But so, but they're walking through town. And they have this like, she's like, you don't even really want to take me to the dance, do you? And he's like, well, now that I saw how pretty you are without your glasses on, yeah. Yeah, when he said that I wrote in my notes,

ducks as Kara throws her laptop from California at my head. Yeah, right, right. And Noah wrote finally, a guy who will judge me by my appearance. And I wrote, I hate this movie, you guys. It's only halfway through. Oh, that's all her notes for this scene. Yeah, so we'll move on. So then we're at the dance, tearing it up like the white kids do. And look, I don't want to make fun of these kids dancing.

Not because they're kids, but because they're better than I am at dancing. So I'm not going to. But feel free, it's really fucking bad. This was very accurate to 1992 dances. Let me tell you, I remember. Except the music, right? Well, yeah, of course, they're all dancing to, like, fucking pop tunes from the 40s or whatever it is. But standing around the dance floor in a circle, afraid of the other gender, big part of growing up.

Yeah, sure, yeah, sure. So then we get the slow dance, the DJ slows things down for a bit. Why was the DJ British? I don't fucking know, but yeah. No small parts, only small actors, that's why. Oh, there you go. He's been dying for a chance to use that British accent. I thought maybe that was the only international flair,

that they were willing to... Exotic foreigner. Yeah, no, somebody says, ah, this movie really could be a little more ethnic. And they were like, hmm, say no more. Best I can do is Eli doing an impersonation of Marsh outside his window at 4 in the morning.

So, yeah, so, but they do a slow song. So Margaret drags Scott out to dance with her. And then Lenny and Eldon take the next two girls in line, I guess, right? Gross. Like they're going to docee dough here or whatever. Pete, meanwhile, him and his gang are hiding behind the dance, planning some mischief with a firecracker.

What a gang go into a school dance. Yeah. They throw a firecracker at Margaret and it lands under her foot. And if this movie were accurate, it would have seriously hurt her and we would have gotten a flash cut to a judge saying there's no reason to ruin a young man's life over what to think. Oh, God, yeah. That was like, I died when I read that you wrote that.

I was like, oh, fuck me. Yeah, no, right? Because the way they play this is that the firecracker explodes directly on her foot. Yeah, we watch it go under her foot, exactly, yeah. Yeah, so I expected the rest of the movie

for her to be on crutches or some shit, you know? Except that it wasn't a firecracker. It was a shenanig and pauper. Yeah, exactly. So they run off Tee-he-he and about how good they got him. Scott gives chase and challenges the fucking the blacks

to a gang war. Fight a nickel for every time we've said that on our podcast. Oh, no. And they literally did it the way you would expect. Tomorrow, three o'clock, Swanson's field. Give me a fucking break. So, okay, so then, but before we get to our gang fight, get ready for some action, guys.

But before we get there, we have to do a church scene real quick so that the listeners know they are on the right podcast here. Yeah. But the preacher is basically talking about how, you know, better to be good than bad. So banal. John Patrick Shanley, this preacher aims. Yeah, right. You know good stuff. God's a fan.

Bad stuff. You probably don't know this one. Not so much. Not so much. I'm the basketball coach. Did you guys notice the number of times the pastor says the word loads in the last? Yes. Yes. He's like, are you carrying the loads of those around? Dude, come on. Of the buttercreamers. He says loads like a man in a movie called the buttercreamer. Yeah, exactly. It's not good. But of course, Scott Lenny and Eldon are squirming

because it's like he knows that they're about to have a gang fight, right? Everything he's saying is so apropos because they are about to do bad when good would be better. So, okay. So now we're at Swanson's Field. The bad kid gang is waiting. When Scott and the buttercreamer show. Actually, I'm sorry.

He sent Selenian Eldon in without him, some fucking coward, with a white flag. Oh, yeah. To parley. Yeah, exactly. And he wants, so he wants to parlay

just him and Pete at the old truck on the edge of the field. And so this is when I first noticed Pete's wardrobe. I mean, we're noticing it the whole time, but this is when he first overtly signals the hanky code.

Oh, it was hanky code. So are you guys ready for this? Yes, please. So a red bandana tied around the upper arm, but this time the left upper arm. Oh, God. So, red means that he is interested in fisting. Fisting, yep.

Yeah. And I love that Eli has this memory. And if it's the left arm, then he's a top. Yeah. Okay. So, you know, earlier they were like, he says something about fighting and how he learned in Chicago. And I was like, yes, this is what he learned in Chicago. You don't want to put this on the right arm by.

accident. To be fair, at one point in the movie, he will yell very loudly, you don't even ask what happened to be in Chicago. And Kara has just given us some of that lore. So yeah, yeah. Team Pete all the way. And by the way, this is the actual like verbiage when you Google this. You know how now Google gives you an AI overview. It literally says, within the LGBTQ plus hanky code, a red bandana tied around the upper arm means the wearer is a top interested in fisting. The color red signifies fisting and the left side indicates the top roll. Okay. That's what it says. So there you go. It's very

helpful. Yeah, you learn a lot in the big city. So, but yeah, but so Scott is like, all right, well, if you're so tough, I challenge you to hang out with me and have a friendship montage. Yeah, he uses reverse psychology on Pete. I guess, yeah. He's like, you're tough.

You've got guts. Well, if you really had the guts, you would help widows with their chores. And Pete's like, oh, shit. Oh, fucking God. Because he said if and then, oh. Yeah. So, but yeah, so then we get this montage where Scott takes some fishing and they go swimming and they wear red hats a lot. Look at every red hat now, you know what I mean?

Can I say, look, I don't like to agree with a lot of the movies, but I feel like a lot of more fights in this world would be resolved if we just made those two people go on a friendship day at the fishing hole. You know what I'm saying? Well, it would be resolved one way or the other, yeah. especially if they're swimming next to an active sewage pipe. Oh my God. Oh, yeah, 100%. This is the hose that fucking Gen X brags about drinking out of, guys. That's sewage pipe.

And also there's this moment. This is so small, but I have to talk about it. They've got like a rope that's tied to the tree and they're going to do that whole swing out over the water on the rope and like let go. But the rope is too low and the tree kind of dangles down when it gets their weight on it. So they like immediately just plant into the water every time they try. to swing out. Oh, yeah.

These were the good old days, everybody. Just hanging out in sewage water with your friend who was doing minor crimes around town. Nobody wearing sunscreen just is the best time. Drinking out of the hose. Yep, it sure was. Drinking out of the hose

and mistreating the women around you. Yeah, and just, you know, experiment in a little. It's not gay to keep our pants on. Right, exactly. A little bit of opioids. Just a fucking montage full of ends with apostrophies after him. Tubing and rock skipping.

Reading into your buddy's hanky-cove. You know, touch-in, massage. Here's the other thought. If that's the AI overview when you search, what does a red handkerchief mean? Does that mean that some Mormon kid who was watching this movie was like, oh, boy, I wonder what he learned at Chicago. What does real? Oh, God, Mom! In my head, canon, yes.

I was not ready for the buttercream gang. So, but post-monetage, they're both chilling at the tree house. This is where Scott tells him that. the championship game for their baseball team is tomorrow. Weird that that wouldn't come up

up until now. But we learned from this scene that the montage really didn't do anything but fill up runtime, right? Because they're still mad

at each other at the end of it and they're still enemies. Yeah. Pete's like, Scott's like, what was that whole day of touching about?

And Pete literally says this line, you made me relax and forget all my worries. Yeah. That's all that was. Yeah. It was just a little sexcapade. Yeah, no. Pete is literally acting out

Gen X comedians turning on trans people. He's just like, you made me uncomfortable. You made me feel. I had to elect a Nazi. So, yeah. So, but then they leave, they part acrimoniously with Pete yelling, you never once asked what happened in Chicago.

Lore filled in by Carissa and Maria. Clearly, yeah. Happy to help. All right. Well, it looks like. our conflict is quite conflicted, so that means we get to take another break. But first, let me give Act 3 the hard sell. Will Scott

ever ask what happened to Pete in Chicago? Will the movie ever tell us what happened to Pete in Chicago? Do we now, thanks to Kara, know why the movie, will never tell us what happened to Pete in Chicago? Find out the answers to these questions and more. Will we return for the butter

creamy conclusion of the Buttercream gang? All right, fellas. Now that we formed our good deed gang, all we need is a name. A cool one. For sure. Okay.

What about the Creamy Lodes Gang? So I... The what? The what? The Creamy Lodes Gang. You know, because we help out with the butter for the ladies in town. Oh.

Right. But maybe a different name. The big Creamy Lodes gang? Yeah, that's not better. The churning butter comers. Because when we churn, you know the butter's coming. Right. I might actually throw up.

Yeah. Okay, you know what? I like the butter thing. Like we're heads out, how about the buttercream gang? That has butter. The big, churny, thick, heavy loads of white, frothy butter in and around my face gang.

I said we're going with the buttercream gang. Okay, fine. Fine. Jesus Christ. So fucking gross. And we're back for still more of the shit. And this is where the film decides to take a staff. it being a baseball movie for a few minutes.

Movie might as well sit there and pat on its own legs while it waits for us to leave. Like, do, do, do, do. What else could the movie be about? Right. So, yeah, it's now the championship game. So we learn here that Lenny is to pitcher, Eldon is the catcher,

and Eldon is known for having some pretty wacky signals that he calls. So I bet we'll see a bunch of those throughout this game. Nope, just the ones. Just a... But I felt so sorry for this poor kid actor, right? Because they clearly told him, they're like, oh, your whole thing is have wacky signals. And then he was like, what would be wacky?

Like, the signals are already pretty fucking weird that they use. They're like, oh, you know, just... You're right. You're cut from the movie. Oh, no! Right, yeah, yeah, exactly. But so we get some fucking baseball. Scott, at first, he's not doing too well.

But then everybody loosens him up by quoting commercials at him. And so he hits a home run. Yeah. is how baseball works. So it was a Pepsi commercial, right? Yeah, you got the right one, baby, uh-huh. Don't understand. They will say that so many fucking times

during this movie. Because there was like a time, I feel like where like a bunch of people who didn't have personalities and didn't understand humor in lieu of being funny would just yell slogans sometimes or quotes from movies.

For our generation, it was Borat and Anchorman. It used to be so easy to be funny. you could just learn four or five quotes and wait for someone to say like a common everyday phrase or something that kind of sounded like a double entendre and you just went,

very nice, or my wife. And that's what she said. And that's like, Bill's a little bit of a character. And now you have to fucking be postmodern, ironic, be up on your fucking Chinese communist manifesto. It's hard. It is.

It's much fucking harder now. It's hard. I wish I were a minor. So, So yeah So he means one who minds I can mean anything I can be whatever I wanted to mean

You can be whatever I wanted to mean too I do the fucking edit You didn't say anything in response to that Eli here's a fun fact So yeah but Scott's making play after play They're up five nothing But then Pete shows up and starts rooting for the other team

And that gets all up in Scott's head. And since he's the entire fucking team, now they're losing. Yeah. This whole thing confused me. So I'm so bad at sports. So the home team are the red socks.

Yes. And the Braves are the team that Pete is rooting for to be a dick. Yes, the visitors. Yeah, yeah. So why do the kids from the home team have hats with a B on them? You are, Pat. at sports. Wow, yeah. Because it's Boston Red So in a lot of these little...

No, but that's not how kids teams work. They're not the Boston Red Sox. They're the Elk Ridge Red Sox. Right. But so in a lot of these Little League teams, they just use the logos of MLB teams. So you don't have to buy new logos. Exactly. You just buy the merch of the team.

Yes, exactly. But you would think that they would... I'm sure that there are hats that also have a Red Sox thing on that. Like a sock on it. But yeah. But, yeah, no, you're right. It is a little silly when you're not Boston, but yeah. I know. And when the other team is the Braves and they're all wearing hats and bees on that.

I agree, Kara. There need to be more traitor mechanics in professional sports. But yeah, so we should also point out that there's like an announcer doing this scene because this happens all the time in fucking movies where like the baseball game that's just like, you know, fucking this kid against this kid for the municipal parks and recs department championship or whatever has a, fucking professional announcer at it. Yeah, a professional announcer

who has maintained stats. Yes, right. No, he's got statistics for the season and everything. Yeah. At one point, he's like, that means he's batting a 370. I was like, where are you keeping your fucking books on this literally? I wanted it to cut to like an unhoused person just talking to himself

with suit jacket, no pants. Yeah, that's our announcer. Yeah, yeah, he's just making shit up. Yeah, but so, and the announcer's weirdly judgy too. He's like, wow, Scott really fell apart. And since he lost that one pop fly, they've really fallen apart.

He's like leading the team and the loss, if you think about it. Yeah. So, okay, so now it's the top of the ninth. The other team is now up seven to five. Eldon is up to bad. Now, Eldon has made a stab here and there at comic relief.

But now he's going to be clever, right? He's going to try to convince the catcher that he's frozen up. And he won't swing in any. anything. And so the catcher tells the pitcher to throw one right down the center of the fucking plate and he's not really frozen up and he hits it. Why would you do that?

Hey, this guy just told me he let me know his greatest weakness. So you should not do your job correctly as a little break, as a little treat for you, I guess. If he's not going to swing and you throw it outside, right, he gets a ball and that's bad for you. So you do not want to throw it in the strike zone here, but you don't have to make it easy on him. and you still have, like, you know, three of those balls you can give. So, yeah, it's fucking stupid. Oh, my God, you guys, I'm so bored. Stop talking about this.

I know. I know. Same. What is happening? But I do like, look, I like sports shenanigans. I appreciate that Elroy was getting some acting involved, some drama. Yeah. Eli, will you read the line I wrote in this scene?

I'm struggling to care about anything ever. It's all I wrote. That's all over notes. Yeah. Okay. Nine more questions and we're raising your dosage. All right. But so, okay. So, but ultimately what happens here is at the ninth inning,

at the end of the game, Scott is up to bat with a tying run on base. All he's got to do is hit the fucking ball. But Pete talks some shit. He pops one up and he makes for an easy out and he loses the game for everybody. Okay. But this is where we have what is genuinely one of the most bizarre moments of the moment. So he gets out, right? It's very sad because the movie is about sports for this 10 second period.

And then Pete's. grandpa, who has been completely uninvolved with anything in this story. He hasn't noticed Pete doing these crimes. No one has talked to him about this. No one's talked to him about the expulsion or Pete getting kicked out of the house. We have no idea what relevance Pete's grandpa has,

except he's here at the baseball game. And he comes up and apologizes to Scott and says, I quote, I wish there was something I could do. You're his legal guard. Yeah. And Scott goes like, well, you should send it back to Chicago. I'm so very sorry. I didn't mean to raise my voice at you, a grandpa. Kill him and eat his body. Yeah, so that was one called for. Yeah. So okay. So now, so the game's over, who gives a shit, who won, whatever. Blah, blah, blah. The game's over. Coach is chatting with Scott about losing his cool. I don't like this. I don't like that Scott is alone with a priest in an empty field. His parents were at that game. They have left him alone with the priest. Right.

I don't like it. And the priest has a little wisdom that he'd like to give him. It's a little wisdom based on British colonialism in India. Jesus. He's going to teach him all about Gandhi and he's going to teach him that really, you know, violence doesn't solve problems. You know, the India was able to win their independence without violence through, you know, peaceful resistance. And I'm like, what a weird thing for an American to be telling this guy. Also, the kid is how old again?

Because I kept thinking he was in early high school. You guys are saying late middle school. He's never heard of Gandhi. Right? No, they don't teach Gandhi in Utah. Oh, yeah, no, that's right. That's right. Although it is the most white supremacist version of Gandhi you could possibly describe.

It's like, well, you know, them engines, they just didn't ask nice enough. And once they did, oh, gosh, golly, they got their country back and everything they ever won. Things worked out great for Gandhi. Oh, my God. so yeah so and well well he's given him this wisdom he's throwing him throwing a few balls to him so he can so he can hit another home run and feel good about himself before the end of the season right that's the whole bit and now it's time for the colony picnic the i'm sorry it's time for the old settlers picnic right i look this up and and and the a i's like it's a fucking pioneer day thing man it's really gross it's really fucking yeah but scott's heading out to the pioneer day picnic But on the way, he crosses past with Pete. And Pete pretends like he's going to apologize,

but then he doesn't, and his buddy should grab him and drag him off and beat the shit out of it. Jump him, right? Which is weird. It's a weird moment for the movie because, like, the movie has been dancing around nonviolence, which I get, it's a kid's movie, right? And, like, we've seen that in other kids movies where it's like, oh, well, this would be the natural place for violence, but because it's a kid's movie and people don't want fighting in their movies.

like everyone falls into a big cream pie instead. Like, okay, I get it. Except in this scene, Pete and his gang just beat the shit out of Scott and it never gets acknowledged. Right. And then he just, for like the next six scenes, has the shit beaten out of him.

Yeah, he's just got a black eye. He's just walking through the next couple of scenes. Honestly, the physical violence was wildly effective. I feel like we should revisit it. The physical violence. I stopped not doing what he told me to do. Yeah. So, but yeah, so.

and then like we cut to Eldon and Lenny at the picnic. Scott like gets him over to the bushes where he's all beat up and he's like hey I've got a plan but you guys have to do my paper route and he's like oh what's the plan and he's like that you guys do my fucking paper route I got the shit beat out of me come on help out where Eli's dad can't do everything

okay so it's not true stupid thing to say you've made yourself look foolish no it's okay so Pete heads down to the swimming hall alone he sends his buddies off he's like you know come back in an hour after I've had a chance to have a one-on-one scene

you guys thought Scott was going to like take his dad's gun and kill me right yes a little bit yeah a little bit that's how they play the scene right Scott's following behind him we're in a lot of red for a guy trying to sneak but whatever it works for him grots him around the neck

sweet dreams Pete sweet dreams yeah you've got the right one baby so yeah so but he accosts Pete and Pete's like what I'm ready to fight I've wanted to fight you this whole fucking time but Scott's like no I've come to have a non-violent

confrontation about Gandhi and Pete's like okay wait so wait you followed me to have the exact same conversation we had last time and he's like we need to get to 90 minutes it's feature length is not 81 but 90

and so he goes to walk off and Pete's like hey there's still 20 minutes left in this movie. I'm going to do a lot more bad guy stuff yet. Probably a whole montage full of it. I have not changed. Yep. Yet. My moot is not day nude. I'll have you know.

This was one of those shit movies where I tried to play it on like 1.5, but then I couldn't understand what anybody was saying. Oh, no. A lot of Kara's notes are like, come on, VCR remote, fuck. So yeah, but so then we get, he goes home

to tell his folks about all the plot points that they've missed out on, and dad sure is proud of him for chicken and out of that fight. And mom doesn't speak because she knows her place. Yeah, right.

She just sits there at nods. She's waiting for a handsome boy to come to the house so she can tell him how fuckable he ends. Oh, okay, yeah, right, right. Also, it's the 90s, so when you told your parents

that you were violently assaulted by another child, they give you problem solving advice. Yeah, right. Have you read how to win friends and influence people? I haven't, but people say it's good. All right.

I'm going to go divorce your mom. Yeah, dad actually has a story about NAM that he wants to share. This made me so happy. I have to admit, I was getting a little bored at this point. Where are you? He was just kind of repeating over and over again. And dad has a full on, there's something happening here, which he does into the middle distance. I will talk about the end of it in a second, but I do want to let him talk about his story.

Okay, go ahead. Yeah, so he says, like, you know, there was a guy that in NAM with his name, Scott Paulson and he would introduce himself by saying hi I'm Scott Paulson a Christian and so well we beat the shit out of him for that annoying crap my fucking God can you imagine what an unbearable what an asshole we would shit all over his food I'm so glad he's dead he would pee on him when he slept but he no but no amount of peeing on him when he slept made him stop being a Christian

and he always helped everybody out and then he got killed because he was helping too many people out. What you would think would make this a story about how you shouldn't help people out that pee on you. But it's not. Believe it or not in this stupid fucking movie. It's the opposite. I'm trying to make the opposite point that it was good that he went and died for nothing in a war that never should have been. And then, okay, and then this is what's really important. Everyone goes, anyway. So to me, this indicates a cinema. universe like whenever there's too long a pause dad is like you know charlie used girls as young as 14 or 15 you deliver grenades to the true oh hey dad i think it's time for you to have a drink

huh why don't you watch the color bars on the tv and everyone else in the house will keep real quiet but he says he says that guy got killed and i never really thought about him again because you know fuck him But when you were born, I suddenly remembered him. And that's why we named you, Scott. Ooh. I don't love that. That's also why I pee on you sometimes when you wait.

I hate you so much, Scott. But his point is, ultimately, dad falls on the point of he's like, well, but you need to forgive Pete and just love Pete for Pete. And he's like, well, do you think loving Pete will make him change? He's like, no, but you should love him. anyway. Yeah. Also, my definition of love is insane.

So what I actually mean is enable anyways. That'll be the rest of the movie. Right, right, exactly. And it's such dangerous shit to teach people. It's like, you know, you should like never expect him to be different, but always be a part of his life and always forgive him and always enable him. And like, the kid is like actively bloodied while dad's telling them this forgive your abuser message, which makes it so obvious why it's a terrible thing to tell people.

Yep. You need to spend more time with the child that just assaulted you. That's what I'm saying. Yep. Yep. Just love him more. Yep. So, okay.

So Scott pops on down to the grocery to see if he can sort out a finale there. He can't. Hey, the grocery guy, I tried ratting out to my parents. They didn't do fucking shit. Do you do you want to do something about this kid? Yeah. Right. He's like, hey, you know, I'm sure you've noticed a lot of hostess pies missing from your inventory or whatever.

That's because Pete is a thieving bastard. But the grocer does the same thing everybody else did where he's like, thank you for telling me, but also you should have told me sooner. You're a bad gnarc. You're not even gnarcing right, you piece of shit. We're enabling Pete in this movie, not you, Scott. Yeah, right, yeah.

Sinful piece of shit. And by the way, they don't refer to any of the actual products that are sold and they just keep calling them treats. Treats, I can't say it. I can't even keep saying it because I'm not talking to cats. It's weird. I would just, if I can take a moment to say, step out and defend the people who refer to sweet treats on a regular basis, my wife and

myself included. I just need everyone to check their not saying treat on a regular base premise. Okay. Okay. Okay. So, but Mr. Graff tells him, he's like, you know, I know that Pete's stealing from me, but I forgive him because he's poor and he needs that stuff and he's white. And so meanwhile, we cut to the bad kid gang. And of course, they're breaking glass. They're throwing rocks at bottles now. And Scott comes into Christian. shanatim. He goes, Pete, you'll always be my friend no matter what you do. And he's like, oh, well, would I still be your friend if I stole your bike?

And he's like, well, actually, you can have my bike. Here you go. Now you can't steal it. Got him. Got him. Hey, podcast listener, come on over. As a former bully, please don't do this. No, you don't want to do that.

Don't do this. Don't do this. It's the opposite of what you want to do. Yeah. So then we get this It's kind of another montage I think it was the same stupid fucking song That we got last time

But we get this montage of like The gang is trying to go around And do gang stuff But everybody's just so darn friendly That they can't It's an enabling montage It is, yes Oh

Yeah like they go to rob Mr. Graff's grocery store But he's giving them the sodas That they were going to steal from him As they walk in the door They go to bully a little girl And it turns out it's a football game that they're invited to. Yeah.

And they're just like, this isn't fun anymore, you guys. And here I notice that the other kid now has a red bandana on his right arm. So that means that he likes getting fisted. It makes sense why they're always together. It does. They found this about each other.

Yeah. This is the exploration they're doing in the non-monautors. Yeah, I do love the fact that they at one point trying to trick Pete into playing football within a moment like, oh yeah, no, a sport with tackling should probably help get him in the mood

for non-violence, yeah. But Pete reacts with realism, right? They do this whole thing where they like, he grabs a thing and the girl hands him a ball and he's just like, no, I don't like you. I'm a badly behaved child and they're like, oh. It didn't work, yeah. Oh, oh. And then now the third kid in the gang

because this is a gang of three because you need at least three to have a gang. Obviously. He now has a black bandana on his left arm. So that means he's a BDSM top. Oh, all right. Interesting. Just letting you know. So they're expanding out. I like that the kids are exploring.

It's actually strike play. I'm so sorry. I'm just very responsible. It's strike play. It's not just BDSM in general. It's strike play. Oh, okay. I don't want to get a hit on the back of the head.

I'm seeing different definitions depending on different. Some of us are wearing that right now, Karen. Well, okay, maybe that's an evolved definition, but I'm going back to 1992 rules. They weren't ready for the woke flank. I bet someone's done that. I bet there's been a person. and getting fisted at the bottom of the eagle

and the village and been like, won't kids these days and your new modern Hanky code. Don't even know who's a top or a bottom anymore. I'm Dave Chappelle.

Oh, no. So, yeah, so, but they rough them up a bunch of them trash the tree house and everything. The butter creamers plant flowers in empty lots

and the fucking bad kids drive over them with their bikes. And what's with the photo in this one? The drive-by nostalgia picturing. The best enabling. He's like, hey, Pete, and he does it to him

and he gives him a framed photo of them when they were friends. And it's wrapped. She has to unwrap it. Yeah. That didn't work either, though. Nope. I like the end of the montage, though.

They've got like, so Scott was out doing his paper route and the kids, the bad guy gang, they gathered up all the papers that he was throwing and laid him on his lawn. So he would have to go out and do his paper route again. And I'm like, that's good. shenanigans. So you've got to appreciate the effort on that one. That's fun. Yeah. So he goes on, he's like doing his job job, right? He's re-delivering his paper.

When Margaret happens upon him, she's making with the witty repartee here. And Margaret, of course, is the only voice of sense. She's like, hey, Scott, did you ever consider that it's not called the Being Nice of Dresden? No. Okay. Yeah. And so he's like, yeah, I sure wish this movie would make with his denouement already. And I'm like, yeah, no, that makes four of us. And Margaret's like, well, you know, I think that you are making a real difference, even if you're demonstrably not making a real difference. But just as they delivered the last paper, Lenny shows up and he tells him that somebody broke into Pete's house. Oh, yeah.

Now, he left Eldon to watch the house while he went for help in the form of two other kids that would be useless in a home invasion situation. But they're giving him shit. They're like, how would you leave Eldon? He's such a fuck up. And it's like, well, the movie hasn't really established. He's just slightly more overweight than the other kid is all you've established now. Oh, yeah.

And what does he say in response? He's like, would you have sent him to get you? He would have totally fucked that up. They're like, that's fair. No, he would have fucked that up. Yeah. I told him I'd give him a milkshake because he's the fat kid and that's how he's motivated. Oh, geez.

And at this point, Margaret even says, hey, maybe we should call the police. And Scott says, and I quote, nah, we should check it out first. This was apparently on every Mormon kid. shelf in the 90s. Right? This movie, this movie that sent the message that when there's a home invasion, why don't you go and check a guide and make sure you know what kind of gunny's got before you call the police? They need the information.

Yep. Just the things that these children shouldn't be dealing with, just an escalating thing, they're like, come on, Fett. The movie might as well end with them being like, guys, the plane hit the towers. We've got to stop. Is that what happens in the sequel? Kara, I haven't checked. I wouldn't know. I would know

nothing about that, Eli. Nothing about what happens when the plane hits the towers, I wouldn't know. That's not what your Amazon reviews say. And the auto-complete after I type your name. God, I hate you so much.

So they get to Pete's place where Eldon has crouched low behind some bushes. And now they're never going to explain what led anyone to believe there'd been a break-in, but there has been. Yeah, well, there's a scary guy. holding the grandpa asking him for his gold coins. Right, but that didn't happen until after they sent for help.

The grandpa didn't even get home until after. That's because that's what they said. The Ellen's like, yeah, they're like, has anything changed? They're like, yeah, grandpa got home and he went in. And they're like, how did you let him go in? And they're like, well, you told me how to do anything. Where's my milkshake? Fuck it, asshole.

But so, yeah, but they walk up to the window and they see that there's a guy with a gun holding the gun on Pete telling Grandpa to go get his gold coins or a kill Pete. And Grandpa is not saying yes. In fact, again, it's hard to hear because the dialogue is sort of in the background. It appears that Greta is lying about not being in possession of those boys. Yeah, he's like, they're at the bank. I don't know what you're talking about. You're in a safe deposit box. And Pete, who is, you know, curiously invested in the success of this robbery is like, what do you mean, grandpa? I thought they were in the shed. Weren't they the other day? I don't think that they were in the bank the other day. Don't you have insurance for those?

Hey, grandpa, did you just trade my life for some fucking gold card? But yeah, he's like, he's like, yeah, well, all right, yeah, I guess I do have those coins. They're out in the shed. Let's go get him. And Scott's got a plan. Scott's plan is everyone jump on the armed assailant when he walks out the door. Yep. Including the jump rope kids, the seven-year-old girls, that gang of seven-year-old girls that's always around, they jump on the arm.

armed robber. Oh, yeah. And then there's like a big comedy moment when the fat kid jumps on him. Yes, yeah, overweightly. Yeah, Eldon. Oh, and the robber goes, and sticks out his tongue.

Yep. Yeah, uh-huh. Oh, God. Yeah, and then Margaret runs in, and she's like, the cops are here. The cops aren't here. She's that, it's a ruse, you see. They don't have that one second response time.

Like Chicago cops. Again, Margaret, the only voice of fucking crazy in the movie. Right, yeah. They might as well turn to her and yell at her and be like, God, Margaret, stop it, roped it. Honk, honk. Yeah.

And I'm surprised she's still smart because she took off her glasses. That's right. Yeah. Especially she's not running into shit, too, because, like, she's glasses. She doesn't need glasses now because she's pretty.

Oh, right. No, you're exactly. But the bad guy pushes the children off of him because they're children. He turns to Pete and he goes, you and I were clearly in on this together. And he runs away. Scott doesn't catch the hint.

So he's like, hey, you're welcome for saving your life there, Pete. And Pete's like, you fucked up. I was going to get my, God damn gold fucking coins. Yeah, I assaulted my grandpa on purpose and you ruined it. What's weird is that like, like Pete knew where the gold coins were.

Yeah, you could have just stolen them. He could have just taken him. And this seems like, yeah, extra steps. His grandpa's never there. Yeah, right, right. Grandpa was gone. Yeah. They had to wait for Grandpa to get back so that they could, yeah.

Anyway, so Pete's angry. So he runs to the grocery store and he demands the money from Mr. Grave. He doesn't have a weapon or anything. This is an unarmed, just give me your money. request. But Mr. Graff refuses to be robbed, so he just gives Pete the money instead. He's like, nope, here I have $260 in the till. Here you go. Yeah, he's like, you must really need it, honey. You seem desperate. Yeah. And so Pete's like, well, fuck you. And he throws the money and he starts trashing the store. Right. He doesn't want the money now that it's not illegal.

And everyone in the store, this is like a full grocery store. We see like six people also doing they're shopping. And everybody is on the same. Let's just enable this badly behaved child train. Well, and there's also like a weirdly self-aware moment where he's like, I want you to stop me, right? Like, where the kid basically says, look, this has been a cry for help the whole fucking time. And you guys keep just enabling it and you're fucking it up. Right? You're not giving me what I'm trying to get out of this in the first fucking place with all of this goddamn giving me your bike bullshit. And they're going, we, we, want you to feel what it's like to have privilege, Pete.

Yeah, right. We want you to know what it's like in our inner circle. And then maybe you'll stop being a crime man. Right. Yeah, exactly. You're the wrong color for that and everything. We don't want to send you to prison. Yeah, he yells, I want you to hate me because I hate myself.

Right. That's the big moment. That's the big review. So now the whole fucking town is looking for Pete so they can love him back to normal. Right? He runs off. They discover that he's back and Chicago. Apparently, Margaret's

drag net of jump rope girls, did not manage to catch him in advance. And I guess he did take that money after all? I did. Yeah, right. He must have. Yeah. But we learned that he's back with his gang after all. And so Scott starts writing him stocky letters.

Right? Yeah, pathologically so. Yes. Because it's years. They are stocky slash expositionally. Right. He appears to just write Pete how much time has passed and how much he loves him. Right. Every fucking letter starts with, it's now been six months. It's now been nine months. Yeah. Right. And Pete never writes him back. Nope. Seasons come. Seasons go. Over a year has passed. At one point, he says one of his letters goes, you should see Margaret in her new contacts because women who wear glasses are unattractive.

I wrote in my notes. You see, Kara, they didn't forget the sexism that this movie was really about. Yeah. But the letter of writing montage ends with Scott getting home one day. and all the movies named characters except for Pete are there for very serious conversation. They're there to break the news that Pete finally got a restraining order. Yeah, I mean, this is,

I mean, is this arguably the most fucked up part of the whole movie? It genuinely is. Okay, so before we get to how fucked up it is, I want to point out that grocer guy is there. Mr. Graff is there, and he's wearing his apron because he's the grocer guy.

So, like, in their universe, he just jogs with that fucking thing, goes out on dates with it. Anyway, but yes. Yeah, they're there like they're having an intervention and they're like, hey, we have some news about Pete. Yeah. What happened to Pete? And we're all like, he died.

He clearly died. Right. That's what they're selling him. This is really sad. Right. His friend who never came back from the dark side died of his sins. How sad. Yeah.

And they have this long moment where they're like, well, you know, we got a letter about Pete updating us. And I think we need to have the pastor read this so that, you know, we can justify this. movies inclusion on god-awful movies so uh and the pastor reads this letter all somber and solemn and he's like and the letter is just like well you know what happened to to pete no doubt you've seen the article the end of the letter right so it's nothing the article is just or the letter is just see article and the whole time scott's going like what the fuck you guys just tell me what happened to my best friend that i love unconditionally yeah and then they're like well i think you should read the article out loud.

And the article is all about how he turned the fucking gang in Chicago into a buttercream gang that goes around, does nice stuff for people. So they just pump faked his best friend's death. Yeah. Which means that the parents got this letter

or someone got this letter about how great Pete was doing. And they were like, oh my gosh, this is one. Our son has been writing Pete nonstop. He's been so worried about his friend. He really wants to hear about it. And the dad was like, you know, he'd be fucking funny. Back in Nam, we did this to Scott Paulson.

This is what we did to Scott Paulson. We pretended he was dead. And then he really was. And like, not only is that... It's so hard to tell when someone's 18, isn't it? Oh, God. Not only is that and that. Eli's talking about killing them.

Sure he is. Don't tell me what I'm saying. You either edit it out. Both of those things. Completely fucked. Your skeleton key, my jokes. The most fucked up way to give a kid good news. But also, if Pete was back in Chicago butter creaming all over the city,

why didn't he write Scott back at all? Right. Does that make any sense? None of this makes any fucking sense. And then after they're all inspired by the article or whatever, Lenny goes, you got the right one, baby. Uh-huh. And we're all like, Lenny, shut the fuck up.

Right. Yes. Now, Lenny? Yeah, no timing. You know he said it when the towers fell. You know he said it. Yeah, right. The left one fell and then he's like,

oh, wait until this next one falls. This is going to be so funny. I hope the next one. So, okay, so then we cut back to the tree house as this movie stubbornly refuses to give up its credits. There's still time for more sexism. They got a letter from Pete today. He sent money from Mr. Graff for all the people treats

that he bought or stole, rather. And Margaret tells him, you know, she's been thinking, after six generations. Perhaps this time the buttercreamers added their first female member ever. And I can't emphasize enough, their answer is not yes. Nope. Yeah, you're right. Their answer is not yet. And the way that she tries to get them to join, she literally says, like, I think I could contribute a lot to this group. You should let me join. And you know the subtext is like, I'm really good at doing laundry and dishes and shit. Yes, right. Right. I could do the girly stuff.

Seedog, the best possible scenario is that she's offering laundry and dishes and shit. Because what she actually does is kiss him on the cheek suggestively. Right, yeah, right. She's like, yeah, she kisses the fucking boss. And she's like, yeah, well, maybe you'll let me in, maybe you won't. Kiss. Yeah. And it's pretty clear that Scott's like, I've been signaling heavily this whole movie that I am not into girls.

Right, yes. I need Pete to relax me before baseball games. Exactly. Unless you're going to do a voice, there's no deal here, Mark. You haven't even done any ads for me. I need you to roughen up those hands. So, okay, so, but then the little sister shows up again

and she's like, the widow Jenkins fell down again. And they ride into action one more time the Buttercream Gang does. The end. All right, well, Kara, I cannot wait to have you back for the sequel. Woo. To this movie. Oh, great.

It's going to be fun. Yeah. Thanks so much for all your help. And a quick reminder, if you need more Kara in your life and who doesn't, be sure check the show notes for a link to Talk Nerdy. And well, that does it for our review of the Buttercream Gang. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still haven't forgiven ourselves just yet. So Eli, tell us what's on deck.

Urine therapy is an unconventional and controversial practice that involves the use of once-owned urine for health benefits. That's urine therapy. Oh, my God. A practice that has been employed. throughout history by people around the world. No, it hasn't. We'll be watching the pee-in-your-your-own-mouth tacular that is urine colon good health.

You're in good health. See, Kara, we're way nicer to you than we are to Marsh. I would argue differently. This movie did spend a lot of time pissing into its own mouth. That is fair. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 522 to a merciful book close. Once again, a huge thanks to Kara Santa Maria for all her help today and an equally huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go.

If you'd like to cut yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash got off on there by earning early access to an ad-free version of every episode. You can also help in time by leaving a five-star review and by telling your friends all about the show. And if you enjoy this show, be sure to check out our Citation needed D&D minus and the skepticrat and the skepticrat, a bit of a podcast live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email godoffelm,m,com. Team Representative takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slatner, a bit of a draft on Mars.

All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us to check your life this week for Heath Nguerate, Nilai Bostic. I'm an illusionist promise to work hard to earn another truck next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the American graffiti clothes. Pete went on to try a new hanky code signal,

exchanging his left side red bandana for a right side, rust-brown one. Look it up. This is a family show. Noah looked it up. God damn it. Maybe Kara would have been better on the episode where the guy piece into his own mouth. So, so, actually, I'm going to be able to be. You've changed, man.

You've changed. I'm as woke as a cracker barrel logo. I know, yeah. Welcome back to the Gabbencast. Whoops, I said that weird. Gapen? Gabmcast. Welcome back to the Captain Cast.

There was a bee in there somewhere. Okay. Meadies. I love that their line is whether you're in a hotel, an empty hotel room. Hotels have gyms. I know. Most of them have gyms. I was also like, I'm ever in a fully.

What's an empty hotel room? Yeah. Oh, that's it. Like, what? That's, why are you in an empty hotel room? If you're not planning to murder somebody, it's a fucking weird thing. You stop here, right?

Yep. This content is canned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4-255 or on their website at creator-accountabilitynetwork.org. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2025. All rights reserved.