God Awful Movies - 536: Hanukkah on Rye

Episode Date: December 16, 2025

This week, we review a Hallmark Hanukkah special, Hanukkah on Rye. It's the story of Hallmark remembering that people from all different religions need to fold laundry. --- To see us live in San Francisco, click here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-san-francisco-california-tickets-1976632374642 If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/ Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

She wins the Hanukkah song contest. There wasn't a lot of competition. It is kind of funny to imagine Lisa Loeb, recording artist Lisa Loeb from the soundtrack for Reality Bites, just showing up at the local deli's Hanukkah Night song and being like, I'm going to fucking crush these kids. You don't know Jews. We do that shit all the time.

Charlie Chaplin came in third, and a Charlie Chaplin look-like contest. That's our jam. Yeah, right. Like Dwight Shrewt at karate. Exactly. God-awful movie. Movies.

Movies. Welcome back to the GameCast. For each week, we sample another selection from Christian cinema because this job doesn't drug test. I'm your host, No Illusions, and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and Wright. Welcome back. Chanica Tacular. Let's do it. I was trying to be much more, you know, nice about it.

Yeah, you have to be, but not Eli gets away with it. Sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you feeling this fine afternoon, sir? Please, Noah. For this episode, it's Eli Bosnick. Okay, gotcha, gotcha. And a, quick reminder, we're coming to California next year. If you'd like to see us live in San Francisco on Friday.

April 3rd, be sure to check the show notes or go to Godolpho MoviesLive.com and go quick, this one's going to sell out. And with that out of the way, tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Hanukkah on Rye. It's the story of showing me a bunch of food from a deli and I order it in real life.

Yes, hell yeah, you're doing. A movie happened or something, but I've got a really, really good deli next to be called Zingermans that's like famous in Ann Arbor. Oh, Jew deli too. Nice. Oh, it's for real. Yeah. Fuck, yeah. No, I had it at Zingermans.

I got it. Yeah, it's not kosher, but it's kosher style and it's legit, all that stuff. And it was the best. Everything else besides Zingermans is simply details.

So you know how, like, in the old Spider-Man cartoons, there would be a little web that would come in and then come back out to, like, mark the changing of scenes? This movie did that with just a pastramian rye.

Yeah, exactly. And it was always so delicious. Everything that they showed us. This movie, cost me like $250 100% yeah absolutely 100% that said I do and I don't want to

spoil it because we'll get to it when it happens in the movie I do think there is one interstitial where they make up Jew food I do think there's one where they were just like I had that feeling too but there was an invented one yeah interesting I think I just internalized it

I was like that exists and I'm ordering it and I want to eat it yeah I sent a picture of it to the people on Grubbub it showed up at my door and Eli How bad was this movie? Well, if you love Hallmark Holiday Schlock, and I do, but you wish it had that Yehudem spin

that we've all been waiting for, you will love this movie. And I did. I loved this movie. I bet you did. I know a movie happened, but I loved the food. I don't know really what happened in the play. There's like a love story or something.

God, I love Jews so much. A lot of food. Jewish people in a love story. This is why we don't do Jewish movies because Jews are the fucking everything Jewish rule. This movie would beg to differ. All right. So is there anything you'd like to nominate this one for being the best of being the worst at? Okay.

We already addressed it a little bit. I'm going to say worst worst, worst saying the word Hanukkah. So, Eli, will you just real quick give us how it's pronounced throughout the movie? It's something like that. And it's too many times and it's way too hard. These are all American, white Jewish people. They're not Israelis. The actor's Jewish, I think, but it's still a hate crime.

So, Keith, that's actually the culprit of the crime. The actress who plays the girl, she's French-Israeli. And that's why she's- She's from like Tel Aviv or whatever. Oh, is she? Okay. Oh, right. Yael.

Yeah. Yes. She is Israeli, which is also why her voice sounds fucking insane throughout the movie. She's trying to do an American-Jewish accent, which I think is second only in offensiveness to like World War II cartoons. You can watch every other actor flinch while she hits it

with the... Okay. And French Israelis. So she's got like some interesting noises built into the languages she already knows and speaks. Yeah, exactly. A lot of luggy talk, yeah. All right. A lot of self-hatred. Okay. I was going to... I was also going to add best best

marshmallow test failure character. We'll get to him. You mean time traveling, baby Eve? Do mean time driving big a leaf. And we will get to him when he arrives. All right, can't wait. He's glorious. I want to go with best, worst guy who wants to fuck grandma.

So there's this character named Stan, and his whole thing is that he will stand next to one of the characters, grandma's letting her know that he is available, right? It's that and Hanukkah jokes. That's all he's got. What scenes were cut? What was proposed? What was pitched?

Who go fund me'd what that's. Well, so that's the thing is that it really feels like this actor showed up and they were like, oh, fuck, we were supposed to have a part for Larry. God damn it. You are grandma's love interest. Stan? Does she mention me? No.

Do we resolve this in any way? No. All right, I've got two. He's got two. I want to go with two. Oh, okay. First, I'm going to go with best, worst, object of symbolism. Sure.

What did you mean by that? We'll talk about it when we get to it. Okay. We'll talk about it when we get to it. Is there a really ham-fisted symbol in this movie? Yeah, well, you know what? As long as we're making a Hanukkah movie, let's make sure it's the most straight-down-the-middle symbol.

It was so ham-fisted that I wondered if it was kosher, yes. Right, yeah, exactly. And my second one is I'm going to go with best, best gratitude for Heath. So I'm watching this movie, and I'm like, how Jewish can I get? Right? Because, like, at a certain point, you don't want to hear me be like, And then in the second act of Meshwachev, if you watch rabbi's commentary,

luckily for me, whenever I looked up in our notes, Heath was like, Ah, me, Ha, Laiboland. Heath went so much harder on the Judaism than I did for this movie. I felt held in the light. I felt safe.

I felt warm. I was like, there were a couple moments where I was like, well, I don't know. And he was like, that's not a showland, you goiest. All right, well... Condem Hamas right now. All right, well, I've got to ask Eli if I'm allowed to say a lot of my jokes.

So we're going to take a quick break and run through those. And when we come back, we'll dive into all the masugia that is, Hadega on Rye. Oh, all right, twinkle toes. Looks like this is our first stop. You said it, Santa. Thanks for letting me come along this year. Yeah, thanks. Heath, Enright, what are you doing in my sleigh?

And what did you do with all the presents? Oh, I got, I got rid of them so I can bring road snacks. These are my road snacks. What will we get for all the boys and girls who have been good this year? Oh, the personalized gift that everyone wants, an aura frame. What's an aura frame? It's a digital picture frame that holds unlimited photos and videos. Just download the aura app and connect to Wi-Fi.

I don't know, Heath. These kids aren't too tech savvy. That's okay. You can set up an aura frame while it's still in the box. All they need to do is plug it in. You can even set a customized welcome message. Plus, every frame comes packaged in a premium gift box with no price tag. So they're ready to go right under the tree. Oh, gee whiz, that does sound good.

For a limited time, save on the perfect gift by visitingoraframes.com to get $35 off or as best-selling CarverMatt frames named number one by wirecutter using promo code awful at checkout. That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com promo code, awful. This deal is exclusives to listeners and frames sell-out fast. So order yours now to get it in time for the holidays. Support the show by mentioning us to check-out. Terms and conditions apply. Well, turn, Heathenwright.

Looks like our Christmas work is all taken care of. It sure is, Santa. It sure is. Me and Twinkletoes are kind of a reoccurring thing in the podcast of Earth. I'd rather not think about it. We could be in the ARG. We're not doing an ARG man. All right, everyone. Welcome to the first riders' room for Hanukkah on Rye.

Today, we're going to... I'm sorry, Morty, Mordy. What is it, so? Are you going to say Hanukkah like that for the whole movie? With the C.H. That's how you pronounce it in Hebrew. Right, but that's not how you pronounce it in English. You're going to go to the deli?

You're going to ask for some mozzarella sticks? No, it's Hanukkah with a... Huh, the goys say Hanukkah. Why are you saying Hanukkah? Oh, so I'm a guy now? Because I don't pronounce one word like the old country. You're the one who married one, Morty. All right, all right, enough. Let's take a break, have a little lunch, and we'll come back and try to start the meeting again without the fighting. I said, how many false starts is this for us now?

Eleven. That's pretty good. Yeah, not so bad for us. Pretty, pretty good. And we're back for the breakdown, and we're going to. to open up on some klezmer music in case you were worried that we wouldn't fall into any Jewish cliches for the movie. Fuck yeah, Jew music. Close caption guy was like, festive Jewish music. It's festive.

Yeah, right, right. Yeah, and then we got this, this deli, and it looks like, just, it looks like some fucking guy just kept coming through going, it needs to look more Jewish in here. More Jewish. Everything is blue and white. There's stars of David everywhere. But they are very festive. festive for Hanukkah, this Jewish deli.

Yeah, the people, this is a Hallmark movie, right? Or it's a Hallmark-esque. It's from their company? It is Hallmark. Yeah, so the people who made this movie don't seem to be aware that New York City, where this is set, knows about the Judaism. Like, we know there about Jewish people and what that is.

We don't need to like Israeli flags all over this fucking one little deli, yeah. Well, what's amazing about this is, as Heath points out through our notes, right, Hallmark is all about taking a thing that is culturally unanimous and fucking shining a spotlight on it. Right? That's their brand. Their brand is going like, hey, everybody, you all know about Christmas, right?

Well, we're going to fucking call a movie the Christmas tree of Christmas trees so that you can fucking think about Christmas trees. But the problem is Judaism infuses all of culture because we run the world. So trying to point the spotlight in the arts at Judaism feels fucking weird, right? When Christian movies do something, it sets it apart because it's like, hey, everybody, we know we're used to the real world, but come on into our fictional world where it's like this.

So this movie keeps going, come on into our fictional world. And we're like, guys, that's just New York. You're just describing it. That just looks like really good food. Yeah, right. I like that. Right. So we meet our female lead.

This is Molly. And she just can't get the egg cream rate. See, she is going to inherit this Jewish deli once grandma dies or whatever. and she's got to be able to make the fucking egg cream. Yeah, to be clear, that's milk and chocolate syrup and club soap. No egg. That's it. No cream.

And can I say something from my heart? Can I say something from my heart? Fucking gross. It's weird. It is kind of gross. It is a weird. I don't quite understand it. I've fought with so many old Jews who are like, no, no, no, you just haven't had a good one.

I've had it. I've had all of them. They're all a soda that someone squirted chocolate. I was never like, hey, this chocolate milk's okay. I would like it to be curdled and bubbly a little bit. Yes. Look, I get it. Post-Aushwitz chocolate syrup is top of the top. But we've moved on.

We've moved on, Gramps. You know what I'm saying? Also, can I just talk about Molly for a second? Because Molly is the most Israeli-Israel you've ever seen in your entire life. Now, again... This is Yael, right? Yes, this is Yael. An actress from Israel and France, maybe?

She's basically just genociting Palestinians on camera at this way. She's trying so hard to... untan, it's hilarious, right? Because, look, Israelis are great, but they're so not Americanized Jews, right? And so she will do the entire movie the way Heath did the fucking accent in the sketch you heard.

I thought I was very subtle compared to your Bernie Sanders. What are you talking about? She does the whole thing like this. Yeah, so, but we learned from her that they're really worried that there's not going to be enough lot because people are just going to be, lined up around the block to get lockers on the first night of Hanukkah.

First goi insertion here, right? Because you're wondering like, where did the goys get their hands on the ball? Here's the first line where the goys got their hands on the ball. Grandma says, every Hanukkah, we either break even or make a profit. And look, hey, non-Jews, bring it in. I know you're struggling in your small,

fucking wire jewelry business. If you think there would be any other lines in this movie if a Jewish business was just breaking even, You've never met a Jew. I wake my son with our Patreon numbers every morning. I shake them away. And I said, God, all the movies. Lost two patrons last night.

What did you do? What did you do? So, okay. So then we get the first of our delicious sandwich transitions. Yeah. I literally, this is where it started for me, where I started spending, literally, I think, 240. $38 party on night across two orders.

I ordered three sandwiches from Zingermans at this moment. So if there was a place that I could get decent pastrami on rye or whatever in this town, I also would have dot that. Like, I would have just been said. It would have made me hungrier if I had eaten what passes for a pastime and rye here. No, I got a corn beef. I got a pastrami and I got a Woody Allen. It's not called that anymore, but that's half and half.

That's the name they changed for right. Yeah, no, that's good. That's probably good. Harvey Weinstein. Damn it. Oh, no. They both like heaven. So, but meanwhile, at a different deli in Los Angeles, we meet Jacob, the male lead.

Yeah. And he's showing off his brand new electric menorah, which his mother is very impressed with. Again, a Jewish mother would absolutely never allow an electric menorah. And she says, she's like, oh, I can't believe you're going to miss the first. first night of Hanukin. I'm like, he's also going to miss the second through eighth night, though, right? We're going to watch. He's just going to be gone the whole time. Mm-hmm. And again, non-Jewish writing here, the dad says, we know you will do fine. Again, no Jewish parent ever. Not a single one. There's no skill. We could call my mom right now and be like,

do you think he like in handle jerking himself off the thing he's been doing since he was 11? And she'd be like, No, let's get him. I'm going to send you a course. I'm sending you a phone. I took an iPhone photo of a magazine article. They'll be there soon. They're around. They're at the door.

That's them. That's them. So, and we've got to meet his, we met Molly's grandma at the diner in New York. We got to meet Jacob's granny here. And she's going to tell us, she's going to do some humor. I can only tell they're going for humor because there's a bassoon in the background. Yeah. Right.

They have this whole bit about, they have putteen on their menu and nobody ever orders it or something. I don't fucking know. Also, he says at this point, he's like, well, yeah, no, I'm going to New York City to check out this new place in the Lower East Side that we want to open up on. And I found an apartment that was conveniently located. And I'm like, oh, okay, so this character is a billionaire. Well, yeah, I mean, to be fair, they did establish that they're Jews. Oh, okay, right. He just used his gold, I guess.

Yeah. Yeah. They also have another moment where somebody, I guess, makes a joke. And again, I guess it because everyone laughs at the end, like a Scooby-Doo episode just finished up. Oh, this guilt trip isn't going to fit in my overhead bin. Yes. Oh, God. Talk about Goy's writing Jews.

And especially the laugh, too, because everyone does like the ah-ha-ha, as opposed to like, what was that? That's a joke. You got a joke? No, it's Jackie Mason, everybody. He's going to do type five. Look at this paper. What do you know from funny? You don't know anything.

I'm sending your cousin. Your cousin, Schmoyle, is going to come watch the space with you. He's a lawyer and a doctor and he's dead. So now we're in New York City. He's gone to New York and he's in this new building and damn it, he just can't get the mailbox to open. Now, I want to point out this mailbox opens with the key. Yeah.

So how could you be having trouble with key unless you have, the wrong key. Yeah. Well, she jumps in and helps him out and it's a fucking Da Vinci code. Well, right, right. Yeah, she's like, oh, you have to move it up and then to the left and then you have to spit around,

but not too fast. The crest of Delabia is going to focus on that. Yeah, there's a little man in the boat. Yeah, exactly. But yeah, but that's how that's our meat cute. She helps him get his mailbox open. Yeah, and they're introducing themselves here. He says he's renting an apartment in the building.

She says that her parents own all the apartments on the sixth floor. Yeah, so they're also billionaires. Yes, exactly. Again, it's just a $100 million worth of real estate. We're supposed to think that these people are fucking Delhi hobbyists, I guess. Right. Okay, there's a fun moment here. We also meet the doorman at this building.

His name's Thomas. We find out later. And he happens to be an African-American gentleman. and at this moment she's describing like her family history and how they she's like yeah great grandparents they came to new york uh when it looked like that and then she motioned at thomas and i was like oh god what's happening here one and then thomas as if he knew what i was experiencing was like oh you mean this painting of the old building behind me from old new york there it is oh i also want to say that thomas didn't get a line in this scene and i wrote

in my notes, hey, I'm going to need the black guy to get a line, Jewma, me. I'm going to need the black guy to get a line. Eventually, he'll have some lines. It's way too long before the black guy get a line. It feels like a negotiation. It's got real Jewish negotiation vibes.

So, okay. So then we cut to Molly's family decorating for Hanukkah. There's this bit here where dad goes on about his love for plucking wax out of the menorah. No, I get it. I get that.

I mean, I get it. But he's being weird about it. This was like, pretty fucking weird. This was like, you know, ASMR, but the sexual type. Like the acts. Yes, it was very sexual. Not just the regular sexual type, but they're like, get that wax. Also, I just want to throw this out there that with this movie,

who's had three scenes so far and in two of them, Jewish characters were talking about menorah maintenance. I just, for those of you keeping track at home. Yeah. It's like there was like a minimum Jewish words per scene note that they had to follow here or something. Yeah. It felt like they were short.

by one and they were like, put some Ruggalach in there. I saw that and I was like that looks, I'm adding to my order. Actually, I added that to me. Larry David out the door. And then we checked in on Jacob in his fucking $19,000 a month apartment. Right. This is ridiculous. He

lives in, he's like above Jeffrey Epstein in that building on that offer. Right. It's crazy. Yeah. And you can tell it's in New York City because the people at Hallmark were like, well, we got to make it a New York city apartment, right? So there's a triptych of a

subway sign for Times Square 42nd Street up on the wall. You know? You're like, you know, because he's in New York. Yeah, exactly. And if one single New Yorker ever actually got a triptych of a subway sign, they wouldn't get fucking Times Square 42nd Street. Definitely not. It's off by so much.

Yeah. So, but this is going to kick off like these two interlaced scenes of his granny and Molly's granny, telling them that they've set them up with this matchmaker in Brooklyn. Yeah. This is we're going to meet Rose

Mizansky, the miracle matchmaker of Brooklyn. She never misses. Yes, she has a hundred percent success rate at finding soulmates for people. Sounds like human trafficking. It really does. 100% that's, yeah. I feel like there's

some kind of murder situation going on in there. Yeah. And we we cut over to her and she's like the quintessential school marm and she's got this like she's got a folder that has both of their headshots in it and the spares kind of information that you expect out of like a like a creative menu screen in a Tomb Raider game or something yes exactly from the school of we bet marsh isn't going to pause and read this yes exactly but yeah so then we cut over to gilbert's that's molly's deli in new york and they're making the lot because you know the lockka making is underway and this

where the movie basically just says, all right, look, we're just ripping off you've got mail, okay? Right. Right. They explain the you've got mail rules that she has to follow for the matchmaker. You've got mail. Okay, just question. How does this matchmaker, I guess 100% success rate? How does Rose, the matchmaker, already have Jacob matching with anybody.

He's been in New York City for a day. And she's like on top of the immigration patterns of all they know. What I was about to say as a joke Is real? I don't want to know and jokes because there are lots of, there's lots of fun to be had about the absurdity of the behavior

of the matchmaker in this movie, except it's a documentary. Okay, I know a married couple who not only were married by a matchmaker, a thing that Jews do all the time. It's completely normalized. There is absolutely nothing weird about it within Jewish culture.

I know a matchmaker who married a Jewish couple that I know. who used to drive the couple up a mountain in her stick shift and then she would leave them up there and they'd have to drive themselves back down. Wait. Seriously? That was her trick and she did it on my friends

and now they're married. Okay, but the stick shift, like you're just rolling down the mountain. You don't have to know to drive stick. You just have to like press the edge. But that's what makes it a great trick, right? Because it was something that was actually hard. You'd just have a bunch of dead shoes off the side of a mountain. Yeah, if they had to drive up the mountain.

Yeah, right, right. Got it. Okay, one other question about matchmakers then. Do they have a, in real life, like, steampunk workshop that matches people using some sort of, like, magical machine parts? Honestly. That's what we see in Rose's office. I feel like I wouldn't be surprised if they did. I know no is the fun here answer, but I just feel like.

Eli has seen this and he's lying right now to cover up somebody. He knows Ms. Mazanski. magical machine. I feel like if I had stayed single, two years longer. He knows he's going to get in trouble. He's still on the hook for some of these secrets. Also, this is a bit of a weird aside. But there's a point here because they're like,

you've got to write letters, handwrite letters back and forth. And she's like, well, what if you make a mistake? And the other lady's like, well, you have to start over again. And I just wrote my notes, Hey, guys, I want to step out of the review for a second and remind everybody that I really fucking love computers because I'm old enough to remember those typing days where you just had to go like, hmm, I have made one small error.

Should I start this page over or should it just look like shit? I just, I want to say, I love fucking computers. Yes, yeah. But the movie's trying to be like, oh, it's cool, it's old time, you know, pen and paper. You should get into it. It's like when they wrote the Torah, I think somebody says, right? Yes. So I'm going to argue for this.

And I was like, okay, if the holy books, if any of them, were written on a laptop instead of like etched in stone or like scribe on papyrus or whatever, the world would be so much better because you could just change shit. Oh, yeah. Freak out. Just a bunch of Google Docs comments.

Are we sure we want to smash the heads of the Amalekites as well? Let's put a pin in that. Yeah, yeah. But at the very least, they could have just copied and pasted the fucking genealogies and got them right. Right.

Saved themselves a ton of time. Use spell check, make sure Jesus was descended from the same person every single book in the Bible. Exactly, yeah. Would have solved a lot of problems. I do like, though,

that she says, it's not what the letter looks like, it's what it says. And I just want to point out for anyone who's ever seen my handwriting in any way, there is absolutely no way my wife would have dated me or thought that my child hadn't stolen my letter and then written it instead of me. Well, yeah, and so then we cut up for Jacob, and he's all nervous about writing, because he's got to write the letter first, and his handwriting isn't very good. So he has to crumble up several attempts. Yeah, we watch him and be like, hello,

today shalom stupid crumble it up and then a bunch more crumbling up the actor had to do like the play with paper thing physical space work and I'm pretty sure hurt himself he got a couple in there but it was me writing vows and I literally wrote in my notes

this is Heath writing his vows the moniker I swear I didn't look at your notes before I wrote that could that like that actually happen I tried to write a poem I tried to write a poem at one point and it was like a metaphor is like a Simile Ocean Shet.

I thought it was beautiful. And then I found a poem that was already written and it was basically about like the opposite of finding. It was about a breakup actually. I found a great poem and I was like, this is a beautiful. Oh, it's about a breakup.

Oh, damn it. Can I read three quarters of the poem? So if I cut it, if I added out the knots, this is going to be crazy. This is great, yeah. So okay, so then we cut to Gilberts where people are lined around the street

for the lotcas. and this is again Molly and Jacob are going to run into each other here but the point of this scene is that he's going to look at this Steiner and this Del and he's going to go like this is a shitty old crappy telly and of course not realizing that it's

her family's deli right and again to be clear you've literally never met a Jew who doesn't instantly tell you the building that you're next to is their business not one Jew in his we get a little shoe shop settled after the fucking schedel has burned down and we're like

have you seen this? Come on in. Let me show you around. Let me show you around. Now, this day didn't want to give me. This stick right here. He said, I'm going to take. But I said, no, no, no, no. We have no deal without this stick. So that's mine now. So now we're just tossing the stick up in the air like an apple. Drops it. Pretty good. Turns to his kid. This is your stick someday. If you try and have anything but this stick, I'll kill you. Nobody cares, Dad. So then we cut to this, I guess this is the public lighting of the menorah here.

I just have it as like creepy chanting, but I'm sure they're singing some lovely song. It's just anytime you have a bunch of atonal people singing a song in another language, it sounds like creepy chanting, right? Well, okay, nah, I mean, that is very generous of you, no illusions. But first of all, the fact that Jews as a people have decided to use the fucking minor key, again, we have all the musicians. We produced all the music It's fucking crazy

to think that we were like All right everyone Now we have every artist In the history of ever They are officially a part of our thing Let's sing our song Ha-me The fact that like demons

Don't come pouring out of our mouths When we sing our songs Is a fucking coincidence Okay but it's a good play Because it's like a smoke Like owning all the Christmas music Is an impressive movie Exactly.

That's good stuff. All the money's going out of Christianity for all the Christmas music. Irving Berlin wrote white Christmas and then he came home and he was like, Ham of the Lai. Yeah. Respect. Yeah. If I'm picking a religion, I think I would land maybe on Judaism.

It seems like a good one. Really? Or maybe Mormon. Okay. I think it would be one of those. Like jet blue is nice. They have good planes. Yeah.

When we're villain turning, we're villain turning to Mormon. I feel like I highly recommend being Jewish. Judaism and Mormonism, they get shit done. It's not always good, but they get stuff done, right? Yeah. It's, yeah, yeah. Very rarely good, though. So, yeah, so there's a great moment here, though.

Banks are good. Jews get stuff done. Media. The newspaper. You heard everybody. Noah said Jews never get good things done. So, okay. So there's also this great moment where, so Jacob shows up after they finish the song.

He's like, oh, I'm so sorry, I missed the songs. And then he goes to. to walk away and they start singing the Drado song, but he just keeps walking away. I'm not that, sorry, I missed the song. And they're supposed to be flirting here, but again, I hate that this is like my thing over and over again, but like, this is not how Jews flirt, okay?

That like, goish, like, I don't know, what are you doing on Friday? Like, I'm sure that works for Stacy and Chad, but Jews, we make eye contact for three and a half seconds and we're like, okay, so we're attracted to each other, but I need to know what you will do if our son's fifth grade teacher says he doesn't belong in advanced reading.

See, I think I belong in Judaism, man. You do? Yeah, I think I really do. It's not too late, Heath. Can you hook me out? Yeah. Okay. So then he goes home and he sadly lights his sad little menorah

and he tries again with the letter. Now, this is the part of the movie. This is where, like, you've got male lips, right? The letters back and forth. This is where we're supposed to get, you know, he's supposed to be open and charming and she's supposed to be receptive and wise and everything. And we're supposed to watch them fall in love.

But this writer's not good enough to pull this off. So they just have these really banal, shitty letters where you're like, oh, my God, I couldn't imagine trying to read something so fucking boring for so fucking long. That's all the communications they ever end up having. Yeah. Right? He starts off with three fun facts about himself. Those facts are, I love black licorice.

I don't like, I'm a ranch dressing snob, and I go, ah, when I drink tea. God, Jesus. It was a roller coaster for me. First, I love black licorice. And I was like, okay, gross. But he's going for hot takes on like, you know, that happened. I was like, okay, getting straight to it. I guess there's something to that.

Then he's like a snob about ranch, which is like double horrible. I was so mad. It was like asking the vintage of the hot pocket, right? I only go to the nice chilies. He's like, I hate ranch in a bottle, but homemade ranch is where it's at. And I was like, oh, I hate him. I hate him so much. I couldn't stand it.

But I do have a question, Eli, about the candle thing on Hanukkah. So you celebrated as a kid, right? Did the thing, you did the candle? Did the candles on the menorah, right? And still today, we do Hanukkah. Okay, so there's the one candle that's like all the way off to the side that's like the lighter candle, right? Yeah, that's the king candle. The king candle.

Okay, and then you light one each night for the eight nights. Yeah. Okay. In the legend, it just like goes forever, right? Well, eight days anyway. Well, no, eight days instead of war. Right, right, eight days, but, like, more than you could possibly expect. But in reality, for everybody, the candle's going to go out.

So, like, it fucks up the legend. How do you handle that? You're just like, nah, it's made up. So actually, there's a ton of fun. What are kids told, is what I'm asking? Okay, so there's a ton of fun insanity. First and foremost, right, we're not doing the miracle that night. We're not expecting the miracle.

So when our candles go out, we're, you know, because I remember asking that being like, well, our candles last. Right. being like, no, no, no, no, we're fine. We didn't just give it. This is like a post-war situation. We got plenty of candles at the house. Relax. You're bothering God. Historical context. But, and again, I cannot recommend this enough for the Jewish listeners who have not explored, like, Jewish rabbinical commentaries. Because if you think there aren't 500 years of absolute biblical literists being like, actually, when the smoke

goes into the air, that means the candle is still lit. So technically speaking, the candle If what you do is you pay a non-Jewish person to come eat the last bite of the cable Then if he doesn't shit Until the following Sunday Which you arrange by supergluing his butt cheeks together So there's like 10,000 pages of Midrash That's like R slash infinity candle for Hanukkah

Yeah exactly And if you try to hold them to any of it They're like so it's not true You're like okay well then what the fuck are we doing Why don't you speak English then if it's not true Why can't your daughter read if it's not true. Yeah, right. We got to choose between

true and committing to the bit. Are we trying to win? Come on. All right. So, but he finally writes his letter. It's fucking terrible. And then there's a bit with this like the delivery guy comes to get it and then he has to deliver

it to Molly, but they live in the same building so he just, he stays there. Right. And the key here is that Thomas, the doer, is that Thomas, the do this. Thomas is apparently a 24-hour-a-day doormand, which is rough. He has every shift, and we do get to see Thomas not speak, but we see his, the actor has a thought bubble that we get to watch.

He meaningfully eyebrows. The actors is like, oh, fuck, I'm like a, I'm in a token Jewish Hallmark movie. It's the token black pirate. Over five, over five, over five. And they've got a stupid misunderstanding. I'm going to go for an over five as best I can. Also, just again, I hate to nitpick, but I do have to point out that in Molly's letter back. She writes, I hate conflict. And I wrote in my notes, literally no Jewish woman ever.

Yeah, but she writes back. You knew better, Yael. Her letter also sucks. And then we do the delivery guy bit again, like eight seconds later in the movie. Right. And the reason we do this is so that Thomas can be like, hey, man, I can just switch the envelopes out for you if that's all you're doing. And then we just don't have to bother Heath and no one. Eli with another character, right? We don't have to make you an over five. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, exactly. So we get rid of the delivery driver character, and then we have Jacob getting his letter. He just reads it in the lobby,

and they do this several times in the movie where he has to read the letter as we're watching. He reads in the movie. Yes, but in order to make that not the most boring possible thing, we have to imagine that he's reading at 2,600 words a minute or something, because he looks at it, flips the page, and he's like, oh, she likes me. And he chuckles. He's like,

Trenching. Yes. Nice. Oh, us. All right. Well, I think we've ticked three of the nine boxes on their How to Write a Screenplay checklist. So we've earned ourselves a break, but we're back in a flash with even more Hanukkah on Rye. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, podcast listener. As this movie teaches us, as a Jewish person, I was assigned a therapist on my 13th birthday as a gift.

for my bar mitzvah. Wait, did that happen in the movie? I don't think so, but I'm not sure. But if you're like my co-hosts, you might not be as familiar with therapy. And that's okay. That's why there's better help. What's better help?

Better help does the initial therapist matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. Well, that sounds great. It is, Heath. A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences, and their 12 years of experience and industry-leading match fulfillment rate means they typically get it right the very first time.

And if you aren't happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time with their tailored recommendations. So, no awkward therapist breakups? No awkward therapist breakups. This December, start a new tradition by taking care of you. Our listeners get 10% off at betterhelp.com slash awful. That's betterhelp, help.com slash awful. All right, Eli, thanks. Hey, will you tell us how to get a lawyer or two?

Oh, in my experience, you marry him? Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So we had breakfast, lunch, and brunch. It's time for us to get to writing. Agreed. How could we have had brunch after lunch? Because the restaurant was using the brunch menu,

saw. We already discussed this. No, you discussed this. I never agreed. Anyway, we need a MacGuffin. Oh, I think the coffee shop and the street has them. No, no, no, no, no, no. A Macuffin. It's like an object of importance. It's going to connect the couple in the movie. It's meaningful to the plot.

Like an object. Like an object, exactly. What about a penny? A penny? In a Hanukkah movie. What? It's lucky. In a Hanukkah movie.

How about it's just a little bag of gold? Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Hanukkah-on-Rai. Is that not subtle enough for you? You said you liked Hanukkah and Rye. No, no. I said I hated it less than a whole lot colloquial. That was a great title. Gentlemen, gentlemen, let's take another break, have another meal, and then we'll come back.

Is it too early for dinner? No, early dinner's good. I get hot for a no. Yeah, me too. Nice. How about a fooskin? You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch.

And we're back for more of the shit. We're going to open up on another one of these delicious looking food transitions. This one, including black and white cookies. Oh, they looked really good. So, yeah. But Molly comes in. all the old people want to ask her about her matchmaker letter because that's the plot, right? And she explains that she wants them to have, because, you know, some people have been saying that their deli looks old and run down.

She explains that she wants to have a Hanukkah song contest there. And again, I know this is a Hallmark property, right? And this is what happens in Hallmark movies, right? Diane, who runs the hot chocolate store, right, decides that she's going to. going to have a sprinkle making contest, thanks to the idea the boy gave her. But Jews run businesses. Like, this doesn't make any fun. What are you talking?

I have an article coming in the Times and we talk to the post and then we're doing an appearance with Lady Gagash. She's doing it. We don't need you working to a stupid, are you charging ticket risks to waste of space? We can book a private party. I heard you were going to be on hot ones. Is that true? Get married.

Oh, God. So then we cut to Jacob. He's looking at his new location. And the realtor here seems to be trying to talk him out of taking it. Right? She's like, yeah, you know, there was actually just a Jewish deli here before and it went out of business. So you opening a Jewish deli, are you? And he's angry at this because his place, his family's place, Zimmers, has like other stuff.

Like, you know, because they're different. Right. So he's just like, we're a different concept. We have patine. you shicks the whore, fuck, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I'll think about this location.

Those are inside thoughts. Thank you. There's also a moment where the realtor, she's sort of on both sides of the fence here because she says, yeah, you know, the Jewish deli that used to be here went out of business. She's another one just down the street.

Gilbert's, it's going to go out of business any time now. Also, they have the best lockters in New York and you're not going to sell any lockcas because everybody will be there. Either everybody will be there or they're about to go out of business, lady it's one of the other also you're full of shit this is on the lower east side cats's and second

avenue deli are winning you're not none of these are yeah that's the thing right this these have to be in universe replacements for cats as otherwise all we would hear both of these families talking about is how they were getting the shit kicked out of them by cats right yeah exactly being a deli down the street from cats is the second best business model in new york Do you understand that? Really, yeah. No kidding. But then, okay, so now everybody, it's that night,

everybody's at Gilberts for the big Hanukkah song contest. Now, I want to point out, the actor, the male lead here that plays Jacob, he's like a Broadway sensation, and he's been nominated for a bunch of Tony's. So, like, I feel like the dude can fucking sing, but they don't have him sing. I thought they were setting him up to sing, too. Yeah. She goes, did you write a Hanukkah song? He's like, no, we got Lisa Loeb, if you could believe that.

for real. That's real. We're going to get Lisa Loeb. Yeah. Oh, it's legitimately Lisa Loeb. It's actually Lisa Loeb. Yes. Her Hanukkah song is awful. We'll talk about it in a second. It's fucking, it's, it's doing it. Yes. It's fucking fantastic. Okay. Is Lisa Loeb Jewish? She is Jewish, yes. Okay. Yeah. I can't tell. Because we own all of them. So sometimes I'm like, is that one of ours or is that just property. Okay. Reality Bytes is awesome. And she's on that soundtrack. It reminded me. Yeah, that was a great soundtrack. But yeah, but before we get to her, he starts asking about the corn beef and he's like, oh, your food's so good.

They bring out the ranch and he gets all ranch snob. He goes, is this made in a house? I'm like, you can't be a snob about, are these boneless wings cut, where they come from? Get out of here. Ranch is stupid. These chicken nuggets. Also, kosher delis aren't giving you corn beef

and ranch. So like, these fucking Goyam at Hallmark, no nothing. Can I speak to you over here in the corner for a second? Can I say it like that? Do you know the percentage of our audience that is narodivergent. Do you know how much they love ranch dressing? We need

to back the fuck off ranch dressing right now. 100% of me is neurodivergent and ranstressing is fucking god. I have to send my son to college and this is going to be bikes 2.0. I just want to point out I fucking love ranch dressing and hey, I love boneless wings. I have no taste whatsoever.

See? Yeah. Two out of three. Mr. Hot Pockets is spoken over here. That's right. Don't cancel your Patreon. Thank you for your engineering service. Your engineering and back. and web design services. Oh, and hey, speaking of polling out, it's time for Jewish Eurovision

for the contest here. No? So first we get the the guy who just chants about Hanukkah a little bit. They didn't have much there. And then we the jelly donut song, I think, might have legs, right? Absolutely. There's potential there. Sure. We got

like, was that, wait, who was Sylvia Plath doing like a Hanukkah song slam poetry thing? Oh, and lands on the jelly donut thing. You see. All I know is I really like jelly donuts. Yeah. It seemed like Jacob should do his song here again.

Like earlier, he claimed he had one. I was like, it sounds like he's lying. But now it's fun for you to put him on the spot and make him improvise a Hanukkah song on stage. That'd be good. But no. That'd be solid. But yes, then we get Lisa Loeb. And it takes me a long time to figure out why to fuck they just have somebody actually

to a good song there because it really kills the bit. Right. It's like, you know, it's like there's a three-beat going, like one lady, one guy just chants and one lady has the Sylvia Plath thing. And it's like, okay, who's going to have the next wacky song? And it's just a good song, though. It's just Lisa Loeb. Yeah.

Very famous singer Lisa Loeb. Well, but that's it. It's that like, oh, it's the musical guest and that's what we were setting up this whole time. Okay. I will say I was confused for a second. Immediately I was like, oh, that's definitely Lisa Loeb in real life. But then the song, she sings, it's just. saying the not counting up from one for a while and I was like what is this like a joke like

what's happening right now but it was just the you know eight for the eight nights of Hanukkah so she stopped at eight yeah yeah I'm curious if you guys were at an event like this and somebody started counting how high would you let her go before you do a visible reaction of some sort I feel like after 12 right like I was actually thinking as she was doing that she goes one two three four five six seven eight and I'm like okay I'm going to let you you get to 12. But after that, I'm going to need an explanation. Yeah, exactly.

I'm booing. Yeah. You're getting them. I got a boo charged, locked and ready to go in the chamber. Boo! This is a bet. 13, 14, 15. Okay, all right.

She's doing a bet. But she wins the Hanukkah song contest. There wasn't a lot of competition. It is kind of funny to imagine Lisa Loeb, you know, recording artist, Lisa Loeb from the soundtrack for reality plates, just showing up at the local deli's Hanukkah night song and being like, I'm going to fucking. crush these kids. Crush shit.

Absolutely. You don't know Jews. We do that shit all the time. Charlie Chaplin came in third and a Charlie Chaplin lookalike contest. That's our jam. Yeah, right. Like Dwight Shrut at karate.

Exactly. So, yeah. What it is to be Jewish. She wins like a fucking lifetime supply of like, give her just like such a hilariously large number of Lottas. I like to think that's actually how they paid recording artists with the world. And she was like, thanks a lot. Yeah, that'll do it.

All right. Stupid. So meanwhile, Jacob has ordered the whole fucking menu, right? Yeah. And he's just about to tell, you know, she's like, wow, you ordered everything. And he's like, well, you know, the truth about who I am and what I do for a living that I haven't told you up to this moment is dot, dot, dot. But just then his old buddy Ezra shows up. Hey, Jacob, you skilping out the competition at this deli?

because you're opening up another one in competition with it? What? How could anybody be afraid of AI when writing like this out and about in the air? Woof, woof. But yeah, so she storms outside with him so they can have a stern talking to where we learn among other things

that their telephilosophies are irreconcilable. Hers is all about tradition. His is all about taking risks. Right. And again, this is a hallmark beat that makes no sense for Jews, right? In the Hallmark movie, my hot cocoa store has been here for 20 years and you're saying that you've been working for Swiss Miss the whole time, but Jews would either, A, instantly get married and combine the businesses

or B, become real-life enemies where someone dies at the end. You think we fuck around? Like that Second Avenue deli guy who got shot in like 1990. It's a cold case still. They can't figure it out. Yeah. We don't fuck around. Yeah.

We don't fuck around. Eli, did you kill the second of New Delhi guy in 1996? Someone at Carnegie did. Yeah, for sure. For a million percent. Passes or Carnegie, guaranteed. Mm-hmm. All right, quick, before we slip into the true crime category, we have to move on with this movie a little bit.

So this is where he... Interesting. Noah's real quick to segue, isn't he? Interesting. He's quick to try anyway. No, a pretty Jewish name. Sure is. It is.

And my real name is even more Jewish, yeah. Right. So, but then he breaks it to her that he's going to be open in his deli on the very same street as hers. So then we get them back at the apartment, like showing up at the same time. So we have to imagine that they just angrily walk to the subway together. And they really went through the turnstiles together. But yeah, but they split up at the lobby. like shoulders past him all

hopefully. I wanted them to both be angry at each other in the elevator because they both were like, well, we're both, I'm getting on the same time. I'm not the stalling out here to not get on the elevator and you go. You take the stairs. You take the stairs. But then we get our

McGuffin. It's McGuffin time. I don't know if it counts us as a McGuffin, but yes, we get an object anyway. Jacob looks down and he sees a lucky penny. Okay. Now, I want to point out that a lucky penny will be the connecting theme for this movie. And again, it

makes sense. These poor Hallmark writers, these dead-eyed goys with their faces prepped against the cool side of their cubicle. We're just like, and then he finds a lucky penny, and that's how he knows. It's all going to be okay.

But it really does feel in this moment, like nothing cheers up a Jew like a penny. It's not a great look. It really felt like the movie was testing me for anti-semitism. Yes, right. Like, what jokes are you going to write now?

What am I writing down here? I'm just saying what happened. He found a penny that happened in the movie. It happened in the movie. You have five seconds to find your remote and condemn Hamas. Five, four, three. There's a little bit of nuance to it. Okay.

Punch Miss Rachel in the stomach. As hard as you can. Or the movie cannot continue. So, okay. So he goes upstairs to write his pen pal letter about how God is real because he found a lucky penny. It is the most ennamed stupid. Yes, right. Look, hey, Jews bring it in.

Guys, we never go. I know God is real because of how great it is. First of all, because it's not. But second of all, don't rub it in. Every time we tell them, they kill us. the thing. I go, how is your day, Mordecai? And we go, oh, terrible. And they go, all right, fine. See you tomorrow. Read the fucking whiteboard. So, okay. So then we food transition our way back to the diner. Oh, yeah. We get matzabal soup for a second. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So is it just me or were the little food

transition is getting more and more Jewish as we went? Right. At first, it was like, yeah, pastrami sandwich and a black and white cookie who doesn't like this. And now it's all stuff that I have to ask you guys what it is. Yeah, now it's like bitter herbs dipped in the tears of a child. Yeah, exactly. Pages of the Torah covered in gravy.

It's okay. But down the street, Jacob wants to meet with the realtor again. He's having second thoughts about opening a deli right there now. So, okay. So now it's time for the next menorah lighting scene.

Yes, we're going to go through eight of these. This movie does imply that Jews just go to menorah lightings, that we actually don't have any non-monora-based activities. Well, and so at this menorah lighting, Molly is passing out flyers for their jelly donut making class that they're going to have tonight. But she's passing them out like she has ecstasy. Thank you.

Yes. Thank you. It was like, pst. Hey. Yeah. Hey, jelly donuts. Don't tell the fucking cops. Don't be a gnarc.

Tell you, jelly, don't know. What was that all about? Again, someone who's never watched a Jew promote anything they care about. Excuse me, everybody. Just in the middle of the prayer, I have a quick announcement. Quiet, quiet. Sorry, sorry. My business is having a thing tonight.

All right, now you can keep talking to God. Yeah, right, right. All right, I'm just going to finish this surgery now on you. Have a flyer. You know, I want to just point out that over and over again, Heath is on this show. He's talked about what he would do if he had a time machine. And it's a lot of George Orwell side tackling people and stuff like this. But today we find out what the real answer is because we see young Heath at Jelly Donut class.

Okay. That was the noise. of me already having eaten whatever donuts were there. Yes. Here's what I need you to picture, okay? Because we get a panning shot of the room while they're doing some shtick about it. Then baby Heath in the bag, whatever the most

grotesque image you can make in your mind. Do you remember in Fargo? Yeah. Do you remember in seven? That's what this little boy is. And also, he's in on it. He is breaking. He is full on grinning, barreling the camera.

He's like, no, mum, so that I can eat them. It's so great. It's a great bit. They hand out donuts and, like, the kids, they're going to make it into a jelly donut by putting jelly inside of it. But every time they put one in front of his kid, he's just like, oh, this one's done. Up his nose. Up his nose.

It's so good. He's just eating the jelly by the handful off to the side in between. It's the greatest. Yeah, right, right. Breathing like a bulldog. He's very sweaty. Oh, yeah. Here's what happens.

happen, though, is that this kid is never allowed to just stuff a donut in his face like he wants to, right? This is his time. Yes. Right? They brought him in there and they're like, we want you to just shove this donut in your face as fast you can. And he looked over at his mom and he's like, are you sure?

And mom nodded along. She's like, just this once. And we see that pure ecstasy that he will not feel again until he is 18 years old. Well, fuck, he's got a Jewish mother that he will never feel again. Okay. He's like, get away from me. They try to touch him for a second. And he's like, get off me.

No. Yes. I bought the blinces in the burka, buca, it's the best. This actually happened to me. So I was a fat kid, obviously. And my mom was an almond mom, kind of. And so she told me that our friends, we went over one Hanukkah, and they had jelly donuts. And I was like, why were they saying jelly donuts of her own again?

And it was like, oh, she was like, oh, that's just something they do for their family. I was like 20 when I found out that jelly donuts are on the condition and I was like you fucking war out of talk well well

it's not celery is what I learned today all right so so she gets back to her apartment Molly does oh no sorry she sees Jacob outside like he's looking sadly

at jelly donut class and she comes out and she's like here here's our jelly donut you spy who's trying to open another deli. It's delicious. Yeah, that was fun. And then he eats it and it's clearly delicious. Yeah. He gets handed a spite donut

and then angrily loves it while he's eating it. Yeah. I want a spite donut. I wanted time traveling Heath to just like side tackle him. Yes. I wanted his hand to come up and then just heat is on him, on his wrist. Just like a golden retriever

taking the pizza in one bite, the whole slice. He's missing a finger. Yeah. Look like you didn't want it. You're saying. Let go and you will be safe. So she gets back, Molly gets back to our apartment. And then Thomas gives her the pen pal letter. So we get a little bit more of the writing back and forth, vacuous nonsense here.

Right. It's so perfunctory. They might as well just have a yada, yada, yada title card that comes up at this point, right? And now she found a penny? Yes, she also found a penny. So they're soulmates. but at this point the movie has to get on with it

so as she's dropping her note off with to doorman Thomas Jacob overhears her say oh Miss Mizanzki's delivery person will come for this and he figures out that she's the one he's been writing the letters to right this whole time

so that's like the next plot point oh you think there'll be some dramatic irony coming you would think you would certainly fucking hope so so well while you can still cling to that hope we're going to take a quick break but first let me give act three the hard sell

will she fall in love with the hymn in the letter or the hymn in real life why would that matter why can't you get a good black and white cookie in the south find out the answers to something I'm sure when we return for the laundry folding conclusion of Hanukkah on Rye it shouldn't be that hard

It's just a cookie with like two different frostings. I know you'd think that. You would think. Okay, so the budget's a little tight, but we can do this. Wait, we forgot Tom and Cecil. Oh, damn it. Hey, fellas. What's you doing?

Oh, Eli and I are trying to balance our budget, but this time of year can be extremely tough. Yeah, holiday shopping, travel costs, it adds up. It's true. But if you guys want to budget the easy way, why don't you just try rocket money? What's... Rocket money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

Well, how do they do that? Rocket Money shows you all your expenses in one place, including subscriptions you forgot about. If you see a subscription you no longer want, Rocket Money will help you cancel it. Rocket Money will even try to negotiate lower bills for you. The app automatically scans your bills to find opportunities to save and then goes to work to get you better deals. They'll even talk to customer service so that you don't have to. But will it actually save me money? Rocket money has saved users over $2.5 billion, including over $880 million in cancel

subscriptions alone. There are 10 million members save up to $740 a year when using all the app's premium features. All right, Noah, I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with RocketMoney. Go to rocketmoney.com slash awful movies today. That's rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. All right, thanks. Hey, do you know where we could sell plasma? by any chance. Ooh, and what plasma is? I think it's the webbing

between your toes, right? I knew it. From the makers of Hanukkah on Rye, and I assume some other movies we haven't reviewed yet. Oh shit, is that today? Comes a movie about the festival of lights

as it's actually celebrated. Okay, we got some birthday candles. We got two emergency candles and that Yardside candle that we never used. That's fine. That's fine. Okay. This holiday season,

actual Hanukkah. Aren't you glad you drove two hours to go to my distant cousin Morty's weird house full of fragile stuff? No, I'm really not. We do scallion pancakes instead of potato pancakes. I hate you.

And we're back for still more of the shit. We've gotten to the point now in the montages where I couldn't even name the basic ingredient. and categories of the food anymore. Oh, we got brisket here. Brisket and locks. Brisket.

Okay, locks, yeah, I don't know. I can pick locks out, yeah. But yeah, so apparently now Gilbert's is catering a big Hanukkah party and Jacob has shown up to apologize to Molly, but if he wants to apologize, he'll have to help cater the Hanukkah party

is how life works. Yeah. Now, we should put it to, for inexplicable plot reasons, she's not telling her family about this rival deli that's about to open, right? It makes no sense whatsoever within the universe of the film, but as a, you know, from the writer's perspective, obviously it's important. Or within the physical universe that a Jewish woman would have anything that she hasn't told her family so far. Like, look, I get it.

You all like run away to Vegas and marry each other, but like Jewish girls on the third date are like, so it was about this long, grandma, but it was a nice thickness. It was a nice thickness. Ah, your grandfather was the same way. So, yeah, but then we have this, like, falling in love whilst catering montage thing. And I just, I only mention it because at one point, they tie donuts to strings and make the kids eat them while the donuts are still hanging there. And I want to do that to Heath always. I would love to tell you all that this is not a real game that we play.

and it is. It is a very real game that has played at. I had quite a few Hanukkah parties. Great idea. It's really good. I never saw this game as a kid.

I would have, I would have ruined those Hanukkah parties for every day. Heath would have been religious. If this camera had panned over and there was just fat baby time traveling, Heath hanging from like a really bent pole on the other side,

like a fish on a line. But we have to learn here that not only do Molly and Jacob have irreconcilable differences on how deli should be run, but they also disagree about how to properly put locks on a bagel.

Okay, well, the key is the capers and she is correct and he is wrong. She's correct and he's fucking insane. Yeah, you put the capers into the smear and then you put the other stuff on, obviously. He can't even pretend that he believes his argument. It's like, sometimes I'll be saying something to Heath and he'll have proven me wrong,

but I don't want to stop talking yet. Sometimes? That sometimes happens? It's not all that sometimes... Once in a while. Sometimes I talk about the weather. It's not everything I say. Go ahead.

It's a per se. Thank you. He can't even pretend that he has an argument here. She gives the absolutely correct answer. Now, I will say, I am not in the spoon it over the cream cheese school. I am at the put it on the plate and smush it down version school, but either is acceptable. No, but then you're losing a lot of cream cheese to the plate. That's true.

You lose a lot of cream cheese to the plate, but it's much... You don't have to be as careful with your hands, which I appreciate. Don't use your... Do you use this a spoon or something? I don't want to do that. I have to fucking... Yeah, I fucking hand sprinkle soon. You just take a handful of capers and hand smush them into the bagels.

And then you're like, wait a minute. Here's what I should do. I should take a hand... I should take my loose handful of capers, put it on a plate, and smush my cream cheese bagel. In the rare occurrence that doesn't instantly go to my mouth. Yes. Got it.

Okay, all I wrote was this is the grossest shit I've ever seen somebody due to a bagel. There was a lot of nastiness. Oh, you know. But you get out here with you and your fucking. It's a classic. You and the rest of the people paying our bills stay over there with your rance dressing your hot pockets. Unbelievable.

All right. Condem Hamas right now. You condemn Hamas and you create the infrastructure for our website. You fucking goye piece of shit. Thank you. So then they all shucks their way back to Gilberts. And she expounds on some of the history of New York and its lovely tenements. I don't know.

It's almost jingoistic at a certain point, her whole thing. It's a very bizarre, okay, so for those of you unfamiliar with, like, New York history, tenements were horrible slums that Jewish immigrants were forced to live in, like, 20 to a room. We do not remember them fondly. Right. Right. This would be, this would be, like, walking along Auschwitz and being like, yes, here's where grandma and grandpa met, you know, seven to a bed.

Isn't it cute? Yeah, right. Right. But what she's explaining here, though, is that opening a Jewish deli in New York City can't be done lightly. It's a serious commitment. And she's not sure he's ready for that yet. Yeah. So at this point, like he, so we have to keep in mind, he knows now that she's the like pen pal or whatever.

So he starts to like half segue into it, but he doesn't in a way that can only be there to tease us the audience. Right. Which makes no sense. The half sentence wouldn't make sense in a physical universe, right? What it requires him to do is say half a sentence and then for her not to go, hey, it seemed like you said the first half of a sentence just now. But instead she's like, shut the fuck up. We're not going back to that. I talk now. Never mind.

We never spoke again. Yeah. But then as they're walking, he's like, this is actually where we're going to open our new deli. And she's like, oh my God, this is so close to our deli that you're going to run us out of business. and I'm like, the realtor said there just used to be a deli there. Like, there was a Jewish deli there like last. That was the last thing that was there. Oh, right.

It's like a whole thing. It could have been cats as you don't know. We decided enemies where someone dies or allies. I thought we were doing the second one. We were flirting. So, okay. Pick a lane. Robert Maxwell.

She gets really mad and she storms off. But he had the two pennies that he was. was going to get, because she sent him the penny that she found in the letter and he was going to give her the two pennies, but now it's ruined. All right. So now the cycle of openings has taken us back around to singing in front of the giant menorah. Yeah. Okay. So it's literally the exact same thing. It gets pretty repetitive with the eight nights, I would imagine. Does anybody do like different themes for each night to like mix it up? Oh, I guarantee you. Well, Molly does. Oh, yeah. Molly, Molly's trying to, you know, reach the youths with,

like jelly donut night and whatever night okay more goy business ideas. Yeah well so she's worried now though Why don't we have a quilt sewing contest we invented the internet relax Al Gore did that

yeah right he's an atheist so okay so now but this is the point in the movie where she has to now admit to her family that there's going to be another deli opening up she doesn't tell him Jacobs involved yet but she tells for reasons that

again make no fucking sense except for it makes it easier on the writers she doesn't tell him shakes of the most she just tells them that the famous Zimmerman's deli in L.A. is going to be opening up a New York branch just down the street yeah they also talk about the rent is going to be increased next year

yes and again the idea that these Jews wouldn't constantly be talking about the increase in rent is the least realistic thing about this movie and God exists in this movie I love Zoran, but he's freezing the rent.

So you got a kind of like that. Right. Bested. I voted for Lander. But of course, now she's got another community-based theme night idea that can save the deli after all, right? She should not even tell them about it yet, though. She'll let the suspense build. So meanwhile, Jacob's writing another letter to her.

And we've reached the point in the movie where it's like it's impossible for him to say anything meaningful without spoiling the plot of. the movie within the letter. So he's writing these, like, he's writing in such vagaries that when she got the letter, she wouldn't be able to make heads or tails of what he was trying to say. Are you a spy coding something

to a different spy? Right. So she writes back and she tells him to lay it all on the table, get it, because it's delis. I don't fucking know. It's so bad. Oh, that's why that was so clunky,

but they wanted to say table because food related. I guess. Yeah, that has to be why. Right, because they say it like three times and they keep trying to bring it back. Yeah. So, okay, but then this scene ends with he's got the latest letter and he's reading it in the lobby and Molly comes in

and almost catches him reading the letter. Right. And this is where she reveals to him that her big community-based idea for this night of Hanukkah is that I guess this is Christmas night. They're going to serve Chinese food and watch movies. Right? Because that's what Jewish people do on Christmas Day.

They watch movies and eat Chinese food. You're going to serve food you didn't cook at your restaurant? Yes. Oh, no, they're bringing in some guest chefs. You're going to order in to your restaurant? To promote your restaurant? Yeah. But the only problem she has is that she doesn't know how to social media.

Luckily, you guys remember Ezra? No. because he showed up in one scene for one fucking second. Is his background useful in this moment? Social media manager. Well, there you go. You know who doesn't have their hands on social media?

The Jews, fucking Mark Zuckerberg over there. Completely unknown to us. But yeah, so he helps her out. And she explains at this point that like she likes him, but she's actually, she's starting to fall in love with her pen pal. can't date him, right? This is, and of course, it makes no sense for her to tell him at this point, but that he has to know that she's, anyway, that's where we clumsily stumble from there.

So, okay, so now we cut to everybody watching outdoor movies in December in New York City. Must be real pleasant. They are watching a free movie, so this does track. This is very Jewish. All right. So they're watching a Charlie Chaplin movie. Okay, it's the Gold Rush. it's way, one of his, I'm going to say his best

movie. Oh, okay, I was like, Slapstick Hitler movie? What is this? Yes, right? It says, yep, Charlie Chaplin. That's what we call him Slapstick Hitler. Yep, yep. But what I love about this scene, and I love fucking Charlie Chaplin movies, what I love about this

scene is that we get all of these kids sitting around just loving the Charlie Chaplin films as the four to nine-year-old bracket tends to. They do. Big fans, big fans of the silent film era. Yeah. Okay. What I loved about this scene was

noodle cougal, which we got to see for a second. And that was exciting. And I was like, okay, it's too late. Nope, I'm starting a new order. And I got that and some brisk. I got so much, just like brisket and corned beef and pastrami, like by the pounds.

And some black and whites. It was pretty cool. Oh, it had some blank whites. Fuck, yeah. Yeah. I just want to point out that the scenes from the gold rush that they keep showing are way out of order. This is not even the order that they happen in the fucking movie.

Well, they got to show them out of order so they don't have to pay the rights. I guess, yeah, no, it's like, I guess the kids are watching the greatest hits of the gold rush or something. To YouTube compilation. Yeah, the top 10 scenes of this movie. I ate a lot of salted meat yesterday. Like, all right. Yeah, you did.

Like, my feet really hurt. Like, I have gout, like right now. And it was worth it. You're welcome. So, yeah, but so, but what we mostly learn from this scene, though, is that Jacob is starting to realize that maybe his deli is not ready for the New York's. city community life, right? Okay. So now, with an inexplicable 27 minutes of runtime remaining, they go back to the apartment

building together, having resolved all the problems and issues and shit. This scene is, it's hardly even worth mentioning, except they brought Thomas some Chinese food, Thomas the door man. It's so stupid. He's like, hello, intersectional ally Thomas. I, Jacob, have brought you Chinese food to be nice. Nice. Yes.

And he says, hello, you sure do tip me well every year. Right. Thomas's response, as scripted, one of his first lines in the entire movie is like, thank you for this Chinese food. I am an intersectional ally. You're both amazing tippers, just amazing tippers. Is what you're not. Generous is what I was going to say.

Generous. So, okay. So, but then. the next day, as she's still a buzz with all the excitement about her menorahs and movies tacular, she tells the family that she's going to meet her pen pal right, that she's fallen in love with.

And they're like, well, I thought you and Jacob were going to be a thing. She's like, no, no, he's going to open the rival deli and they're like, oh, okay, fuck that guy then. That's Jewish. That turn? That's Jewish right there. You tell your family like, hey, I don't like him anymore. Jewish family's like, yeah, fuck that guy

to death. We killing him? I'll fucking kill him right now. There you go. Just have him at this other deli at the right time. We got a whole thing ready. Time and place. Drop the cash off at the bank, Jacob. So, okay. So now she heads out to meet this pen pal for lunch. And there's this moment where Jacob catches her in the lobby.

Now, at this point in the movie, of course, it makes no sense for him not to say it's actually me and here's all the, you know, whatever. But of course, for the movie purposes, for the story purposes, it's way better if he doesn't. So he doesn't. that he just has this really creepy, I sure hope your date looks like me moment,

which would be, again, a crazy fucking thing to say if it wasn't him. Yeah. And we watch Thomas right there next to him be like, oh my God, just fucking explain it. Just say, this is a weird shenanigan that you're doing. And instead, she leaves and Jacob just explains to himself why it's dumb to keep the stupid secret going.

Yeah, he goes, I'm sorry, guys, there's still 26 minutes of runtime. so I can't just... Hallmark doesn't give us our $100. Yeah, he's an hour and 22 minutes. Over an hour. But before he can leave to go catch up with her to go on the date that they're going on together, his

parents show up. His whole family. His mom, his dad, his grandma, everybody shows up. And they're like, you have less than an hour to resolve this movie so you can't go on your date. Hey son, we are a plot device.

This bomb I brought goes on. in one hour. Here's the timer. You hold it. You have to cancel your next thing, whatever that is, just so I have an incident to incite. They're there to make sure he signs the deal. They have no indication he's not going to sign

because they haven't been part of the movie. Right. Right. They're like, you know, you've been taken too long on this deal. So we came to immediately sign it right now without listening to anything that you have to say. And he goes, wow, that's a weird thing for you to do.

And he's like, we're going to sign it in one. hour. So everything that you have to do, you have to do right now. Couldn't we doc you sign it? And then you wouldn't have had to fly here. Fly all the fucking way to New York and get goddamn hotels over Christmas. Yeah. But he's like, well, I got to talk to Granny. And he's like, she's back at the hotel. Right. So he runs back to talk to Granny. He's going to miss lunch with Molly. How contrived and stupid. Okay. So then we cut to Molly getting stood up. Apparently he called the restaurant. to tell them to tell her

that he's running late? Yeah, because Jews are fucking on time. Thank you. Okay. Why wouldn't he call her? Well, they're not supposed to have any numbers. He does have her number, though.

She gave him, we watched her give him her number when they had the mailbox. He doesn't want to do the secret. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay. He's just doing it

at that fucking meal anyway. He's building the moment. Okay. That makes no sense. Yeah, right. Grands dressing over here. So, okay, so he goes to meet at the hotel with Granny. And there's this moment where, like, he's like,

Grandma, I need to talk to you about. She's like, why are there no Hanukkah decorations? And he does that like six times of trying to start the sentence, but Grandma keeps going off on other subjects. I know that I have given this movie a lot of shit for not being Jewish enough. But I would like to say that that moment where you're sitting there with your grandmother or your mother in any space, in the month of December, and she's screaming,

how come there's no Hanukkah here? No, I don't want a menorah. I want there to be a full. There needs to be. That is very realistic. I can confirm. Well, you're trying to get an important subject across here. Equal air time for Hanukkah.

All right. So, yeah, but ultimately, Granny just won't let him stay on subject because, you know, that would end in the movie. And so instead, she starts telling him all about the family's history vis-a-vis New York City and their immigration through it. Yeah, and it's convenient to add some tension. It's pretty fun.

This grandma starts telling him, like, the whole backstory, the immigration, and she's like, yes, your great-grandma, her dying wish might have been from Auschwitz. I'm not sure. Open a Jewish deli on the lower east side in the next 52 minutes, TikTok, TikTok. Yes, right on the corner of Lexington. Right. And, yeah, so she explains that, you know, opening a deli that puts Molly's family business out of business would finally appease her mother's ghost. And he realizes now that he has to do it.

So Molly, meanwhile, she's at the fucking restaurant writing a letter to the pen pal about how she's realized that she actually wants to fuck Jacob, not him, which means that she brought all her letter writing stuff to the date. Like they were just going to write letters Back and forth at the table It's like a VCR sized box Yes, it's a huge box The gar box, yes Yeah, exactly Full of stationary

She has it on a hand truck all through New York City Yeah So okay, but so she wanders off Without like having dated the date And now we're at the penultimate candle lighting Singing that same fucking song Oh no, sorry, they do the Lisa Loeb one this time Which is much better

But no, no, we get them for a second doing night seven of the like Hanukkah singing and they're like visibly tired of it. It's just like night seven Hanukkah okay sound like right yeah and the movie soundtrack is like yeah no we're with you and then

the Lisa Loeb comes on you're right the Jewish people themselves they're done by night seven yeah right right just gave me my Nintendo oh you got me an orange come on let's just like move it along let's move it along I want to play the games so but Molly comes and

She's been looking for Jacob everywhere. Jacob's been looking for her everywhere. I guess there's a moment where they're like, well, but isn't he opening a competing deli? And she's like, yeah, but I love him anyway. And they're like, okay, well, then it's all fine. And I'm like, but there's still 18 fucking minutes left in the movie. All right.

My dad would hit Jacob with his fucking car before he'd be like, well, if it means a lot to you. Get the fuck out of you. Do you think we've survived for 6,000 years with compromise? No, he's fucking, you'll find a new guy who looks identical to all of us. I can get you one name Jacob. You want another Jacob? I got a whole line of Jacobs.

So, okay, so meanwhile, Jacob, he storms into the lobby looking for her, and Thomas has the letter that she wrote, right, while she was at the restaurant. And so he reads that she's breaking up with pen pal him to be with real him. and Thomas is like, you know, she just ran out like one scene ago you'll probably catch her. It's New York City. It's pretty easy to run into people there, right?

So then they have the moment where she's like, I couldn't find you. And he's like, I couldn't find you. And the movie even has to be like, I guess we could have texted. We both have cell phones. That fucks up so many movie cliches, doesn't it?

How are we both out of breath? Were you running? Because I thought I could tell you come out of the building right there. You were just. Right, right, yeah. But he tells her that the family made him sign the deal and they are opening up the rival deli after all. Right, but the movie remembers that she doesn't care at this point.

So they've got to sloppily tumble into the next reason she's mad at him. Yeah. Right, because what would happen in a movie that was written well is he'd go, we're signing the thing and she'd be mad. They'd go away and come back. But they already resolved that plot point. So she goes, I don't care. And he goes, okay, well, then I'm the secret sand.

And she goes, now that I'm mad about. All right, we found it. Yeah. Well, he explains that his family has deep roots in New York City, too. And then she's like, oh, well, in that case, your deli counts. I guess you do, in fact, go here. Oh, you got deep roots in New York City, Jewish person? Yeah, right, right.

I'm fucking shocked. Yeah. You guys went straight to Los Angeles? Is that where you're family? I thought your great, great grandfather took a boat straight to Vegas. So, but he gives her the pen. that represent the pen pal thing and he's like I was to pen pal all along

and she's like fuck you and she storms off into the building right he follows and she's like hey how long did you know who I was when you were right in the ladders and he's like more than no time at all and she's like yeah see that that's that sucks yeah that's pretty bad right

that stinks what are you going to be clear the Jewish version of this movie is eight seconds long. He's waiting downstairs with the station. He goes, Molly, I'm the one. I'm the one. I have the stationaire. We have matching state. Isn't that cool? We have matching

stationary. I have a question. If we combined the two businesses, I'm an LLC, but you guys aren't I'm sending you the docu sign? Can we do it's on the docu sign? All right. Get Heath's wife to look at it up. So Molly's wife goes upstairs to be sad. She calls her

granny. He calls his granny. and the next morning both of the grannies go to the matchmaker's office to get their fucking refund. Okay, this was kind of funny. I liked their little showdown here, the two grandmas. Oh, the granny fight?

Yes. Fuck, yeah. They square up like it's, you know, literally dads realizing they're going to fight each other, but grandmas, and they're sitting on opposite sides of this door for this matchmaker.

They're both angry. One says to the other, like, oh, are you a client? And the other one's like, I'm fucking 92, idiot. No, my grandson's a client. She's like, oh, my granddad is a client. Why are we both seething at each other, though? We're furious at each other.

Well, that's the other thing, too, is right? So what's supposed to happen in this scene is that she's like, wait, yeah, my granddaughter got hooked up with this schmuck. And she's like, oh, you know, my grandson got hooked up with this bitch. And then they're supposed to realize they're talking about each other. But they're already mad at each other when they show up because these aren't very good actors. it's also just Jewish old women and they're just sort of a constant Yeah

They need to get a little bit more information And then they could be mad at each other Sort of because it's like Oh you're the related to the person I'm mad at As someone who has conveyed this message To Jewish women throughout my entire life I can tell you that the answer is now

Okay But they just like slowly gear up Like they death stare at each other Yes And like as if they were about to have Like a like in Civil War. Like, they were about to fly up and, like, smash into each other in a big fight or, like, a magic battle.

Oh, yeah. Well, but they do, right? That's when, because this is when Granny, Gilbert, Granny, offers a Pepsi challenge to Granny Zimmerman's Lodkas. Lodka fight. Guys, when they suggested a Lodka fight, I stood up and paced the room in a circle. That's how, this must be how Irish people feel when they hear going up to Boston. That's how I felt. It is like that.

Because I experience both of these things and yes, I did. And I do. Yes, absolutely. I was also like, earlier in the thing, as a joke, I wrote like, oh, they should have like a lot of fight. Dreams come true. They are going to have what it's the best. If they played going up to Boston during a lot of fight, Heath

will power bomb an old lady. Shipping up to Boston. Into a table. Yeah. So, yeah. So now we reached the point in my life where I have to write lotca throw down in my notes. Fuck yeah. So Jacob's family all shows up at Gilbert's at Molly's family deli. Because that's how

they set it up. It was like, you know, a lotka contest after the eighth candle. Yeah, flagpole next to Gilbert's deli. Yes, yeah, exactly. At dusk. Yeah. So they bring in all their lot to make and stuff. And then that Molly and Jacob

meet in the middle like the seconds in a fucking old timey duel. Mm-hmm. Trying to like hammer out the rules and everything. and then we have this long scene of everybody except for the grandma's going yeah I don't really understand why this has to be a contest

we could just all the dad's meat and they're like hey are you also sleeping with a ghost you can have oral sex of them I am yeah no it's nice okay good good okay I was mad that they were trying to like the two moms were like scheming to talk them out of the fight and the lotca battle and I was like

fuck off you suck this is gonna be awesome I can't wait for this lock a battle it's like everybody is very friendly to as though the movies like wants to let us know that there are no stakes here whatsoever regardless of who wins everyone will be happy right so okay so now

like we get like three quick shots later and they're done with the lot because and they're presenting it now as though the movie could hear me saying get on with it I wanted a dramatic montage of making the lotcas though like I get why you wanted it to get on with the movie

because it's long and slow sometimes but like that would have been fun just glaring at each other while they like you know, do the exact same thing with the three or four ingredients that you might put into a locker. Well, and that's what makes the ending so absurd because they go, wait a second,

our lotca recipes are the same. Yeah. All lotca recipes are the same. Potato eggs and like salt and pepper and onion. Well, that's it, right? Oil? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, they should have called this the oil rumble. That's unfortunate that they missed that. The idea that, one,

they would not know that their recipes were the same, but two, that they would ever admit that their recipes? Do you know how long Jews would have argued about, no, no, look at their crispiness. Yes, right, right, exactly. These lanker is that perfect. That burned piece of hockey puck over there

has nothing to do with this lukkah right here, I'll tell you for sure. My favorite part of this fucking stupid scene is they get done with the lukkas and they're like, well, now we need somebody objective to hand out the lotcas so that, I don't know why. Somebody has to three card Monty, the fucking Lodkas. Oh, yeah, to blind the taste test or whatever.

Right, yeah, exactly, exactly. Yeah, as though, like, if they got somebody who was a partisan, they would, what, shit on one of them? They'd have, like, a fart finger that they kept sticking in one of the two's lockers. You'd mark it, like a shaved test. Well, yeah, but you're not, if I was in a lot of contests. Eli has a shaved deck of lockas. Testing are not in on it.

I would bribe that. So, okay, all right, there you go. Because I'm in it to fucking win it. I guess so. So the- Not here to fuck around. So the matchmaker. Ms. Rose Mizanski shows up.

She's going to be the objective third party, right? So she three card Monti's the lotcas and hands them all out. And then everybody's like, wait, these lotcas are all exactly the same. And we're like, hmm, what's the stupidest way we could possibly resolve this fucking movie, right? It turns out, and of course, we all wrote in our notes, tell us their cousins, please tell us their cousins, right? They're not. Okay.

Movie didn't have the guts for that. It really seems like they're setting that up because it's, says, my grandmother spent time in New York. My grandmother spent time in New York. And like, hey, folks, so many Jews are related that we got our own disease out of it. So I was really worried that they were going to turn out to be related. But no, it turns out. And that it was not going to stop them because that's also a problem.

Yeah. I mean, third cousins. Come on. Giuliani did it. Yeah, right? With first, I think. My favorite mayor. Unlike Zoran, Babi.

Bonnie or whatever his name is. How bad was Cuomo, honestly, if we're being asked? It was great. The economy. So, but now, but it turns out that Molly and Jacob's great grandmothers were best friends on the boat over from, well, they're from different places, but they were on the same boat and they were best friends. And then they lost touch and that, but they shared Latka recipes right before they lost touch. And that's the end of the movie. So stupid.

It's a big gradient. So then Molly and Jacob go outside to talk about how contrived and convoluted the ending of the movie is. And, you know, she's like, I'm still mad at you, but, you know, just pre-credits mad. So it'll be fine. Yeah. To be fair, that is really Jewish of her. To be like, I know the movie's over, but I'm still not. Just so you know that.

In fairness, he did that insane lie. And she's just like, that's still here. You did the insane lie. I don't see why this would go away because we had a nice family Latka thing. Right, but he points out, he's like, hey, but hey, you also were inexplicably lying to your family about who I was through the entire movie for no goddamn reason at all. And she's like, right, right. We were both lying strictly for plot reasons. And so they forgive each other.

Like, you have to lie to old people. That doesn't count. That's fair. You have to lie to old people. Have you talked to a Jewish person over the age of 50? It's exhaustive. You should use chemical warfare if possible. Oh, God.

So, but now the two grannies have decided that they're going to combine their delis into one deli, but they need a coin to flip to decide whose name goes first. If only somebody had a penny. I wanted everyone in the crowd at the Hanukkah thing to be like, we've got one. Hama, Nakela, Hama, Nakela, Halva. All right, well, I guess with that deli rivalry behind us. All right, well, I guess with that deli. rivalry behind us. We can all

sleep better tonight. That's going to do it for a review of Hanukon Rye, but we still need to Christmas this Christmas tacular up a little bit. So, Eli, tell us what's on deck? An 18-year-old's descent into alcohol and bad decisions changes when she's asked to become

an acting teacher for a children's shelter Christmas play. Oh, God. We'll be watching, so this is Christmas. Okay. A lot of Christmas in this Christmas tacular we're doing this month. I must say, as I look around. So with that to look forward to, too,

we're going to bring episode 536 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to get yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash godawful and thereby earn your only access to an ad-frey version of our first. You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review

and by sharing the show on your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure check out our sibling shows the scathing aeatian-a-citationated D&D minus and the skepticrat, available wherever podcast live. If you have questions, comments, a cinematic suggestions you get him a god off of movies at gmail.com. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media,

our theme show you were performed by Ryan Selegged for Dress on Mars, all the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Kirk, and boys use them with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Heath and Wright and Eli Bossi, I'm going to lose this, promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the American graffiti clothes. Hallmark fans mostly agreed that Hanukkah Unreye was fine,

but it was a bit too not Christian exactly. Keith eventually did get black and white cookies. A bunch? I did. I got a bunch. The Gilberts and the Zimmermans combined their wealth and bought the block and then raised the rent on everybody else. Because we don't fuck around. All right, so Heath, I'm going, I'm taking Kelly to the Jets game on Sunday. And Lucinda's going and my buddy Josh is going.

I'm bringing a couple other friends and everything. The jet, you know, their quarterback is out. Justin Fields is out. And Tyraud Taylor, well, he's also out. So they're starting this fucking undrafted rookie. Yeah, really, really. Kelly's stepping in, so, yeah. Can they get Aaron Rogers as a temp?

Oh, there you go. There you go. He's not doing anything. You got to call him. E. This content is canned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm

at their hotline at 617-249-4-255 or on their website at creator-accountabilitynetwork.org. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2025. All rights reserved.