God Awful Movies - 537: So This Is Christmas

Episode Date: December 30, 2025

This week, the Christmas-tacular somehow continues when Cara Santa Maria joins us for an atheist review of So This Is Christmas, the story of Eric Roberts wandering in and out of the set of an after school special that pretended to be Christian long enough to hook a producer. Check out more from Cara on the Talk Nerdy podcast To see us live in San Francisco, click here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-san-francisco-california-tickets-1976632374642 If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/ Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

So, but Angel and Jason are, have just fucked. He has no time for snuggling, damn it. They have the he won't say I love you conversation. Reasonable. We haven't done that in movies. It spoils it if you say it too much. Uh-huh. But this is where she reveals that she's.

You piece it. God Awful Movies Movies Movies Welcome back to the GameCast Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema Except last week when we didn't

I'm your host, No Illusions And sitting seven under mouse to my immediate left As my good friend Heath Enright Heath welcome back. Christmas Tacular. Still going. Still, apparently. Yeah. I love these. Right? They're just so good. We can't stop. Just because Christmas is done. And sitting night at her mouse in my northeast is my bad friend, Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm fantastic, Noah. Christmas Tacular. That's how good you are. And we're also excited to welcome back. To no end. You've no end in my Christmasacular. I'll fucking no end. You know end my Tacular. I'll fucking no end. You know end my Tacular.

Kara? Do this job for 10 years. The tacculars are all I fucking have. I held the piece. I haven't even introduced Kara to the show yet. You can't appeal to Kara until she's been introduced. She's going to communicate for me in heat today. Kara, wants to say hell?

Please. Hell you know what's done. And we're also excited to welcome back veteran gas mask guest and host of Talk Nerdy podcast. Kara Santa Maria. Kara, great to see you again. Now you can tag Kara into your argument. Is it great though? It's great for us.

Great for me to be here. So no one will never communicate messages between Heath and Eisenberg giving each other the silent. He just says no. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched, so this is Christmas. And I'm not sure how they mean it to be said, but it feels like, so this is Christmas. It's the story of the movie not being sure and asking itself a question with its own title. That's what it felt like.

I have to say, I was thrilled that you're on the show today, Heath. Partially because I missed you. Missed you too. Thank you. Positive. Yes, and. But partially because when there's just three of us, I have to do that part. Noah asked me what we're breaking down.

And I would have no idea how to answer that question today. What did we just watch? Yeah. It felt like a family that went on a really bad Christmas vacation. And then it was like, so this is Christmas. Okay. I think they started making like, a teen after school special and they were like guys no one's buying this but eric roberts told us he has

a christian movie network that if we say the words so this is christmas as the final words of this movie like an emergency warning as you're getting off an airplane we can call it a christmas yeah they will do that yeah exact and it's like so this is christmas i'll get back they're gone in different outfits shot on a different camera yep yep all right and eli How bad was this movie? Well, if you love the heavy-handed morality of an after-school special, but the constant exposition means that you know who's who in the movie and what the fuck is happening.

You will love this movie. It's the second half of a Christian riddle, the movie. And is there anything, guys want to nominate this one for being the best, it being the worst hat? Best, best dog, first of all. It's awesome. Best character in the whole movie.

All the dogs are best dogs. It's a delightful golden retriever. I got to admit, I felt a little bad about making Heath watch this movie because it's like seven hours. It's fucking long. Nothing we've watched it ever. The minute the Golden Retriever appeared,

I was like, okay, silver linings. Silver linings, he can't be that man. I've watched Golden Retriever videos for longer than this movie. There you go. Yes, exactly. But that's, you know, it's a weird bar. You had something to look forward to.

I'm also going to. to add best best tiny little drug dealer in a tiny little silly hat like a little bucket hat and he's supposed to be menacing and he never wants his oh i was so mad when i saw you took drug dealer before i could so i'm going to go with best worst club yes right so we'll talk a lot about it but i just wanted to quote this bit from the i mdb trivia section about that club because i love there's like five things about this quote that i fucking love quote The scenes of the teen dance club, which it's not. They were serving alcohol and it's not a fucking team.

Anyway, the scenes of the teen dance club were shot at historic Canes ballrooms Bob's place. Three apostrophe s is there. Sorry, historic. Historic Keynes balls room ballrooms Bob's place. Okay, but let's really dig down on that. I know you've got more, but I want to take a second. Bob, blah, blah, blah, blah. Because that means they were going to call the place ballroom bobs, right?

Sure. But then Kane, at the final meeting, arms crossed, tears streaming down his cheeks, was like, so I'm not in the title at all. It's Ruth's Chris's Kane's Ballroom Bob's place. The scathing atheist and his two equally funny friends. So, okay, and then it goes on, quote, Cain's Ballroom is the music venue in Tulsa, which has hosted famous musicians,

including Bob Wills and Leon Russell. Oh, Ballroom Bob Wills? Get the fuck out of here. Double B, Bobby Bill? Right, right. Wait, but there's more, wait, quote, its manager, Chad Rogers, generously allowed the production

to use the historic Cain's logo in the shot. That's pretty great of him. They got historic in there again. So they didn't actually shoot it there. They just used the logo or did they shoot it there? No, they did shoot it. Yeah, they shot it. It does not to me.

It feels like they shot it in a room with folding tables. Well, if you were paying attention, like a VFW. Well, right. Yes, exactly. Exactly. No, it's like somebody's living room with folding tables. Well, Kara, if you were paying attention, the scenes of the teen dance club were shot at the historic Keynes Ballroom Bob, dance place, Ruth Chris.

Were we two days. How? Sash KFC Taco Bell? How is that a venue? Right. How? I will have to ask Leon Russell if we ever figure out who the fuck he is.

No, that was somebody's house who had like four folding tables from that one time they did a kind of big poker tournament with their friends and they had to get extra folding tables. With those plastic black tablecloths, you know, the really thin ones. Because that's what...

At the club. That's where I want to sit in. at the club. That's where you get table service and bottle service. You want the same tablecloths at a themed bat mitzvah. You know what I'm saying? That's what you want in your club. I'm going to go with best, worst, porn cues.

Now look, I know we have said many times on this show that the acting is so bad that people should be in porn. I would argue that this movie was written as a porn and then through a terrible lost manuscript in the mail, happenstance ended up a Christian movie. There are moments where, like, you know, young teens are thanking their stepdad and it just, everyone pauses because that's where the fucking is supposed to go. Hey, you know what?

That fits with a couple of crazy moments where I was like, hold on. Yes. Wait. That was porn. Yes. Just for a second. It was a flash of porn like Tyler Durden and then it went away. It happens constantly throughout the movie.

Yeah. There's a lot of caresses. of faces. A lot of caressing of faces. I don't like. Okay, I'm going to go with best worst flashback. As soon as this happened,

I raced to the top of the script to write this down. We'll get there. But her, you don't have to know who her is. Her manicure, I think, got stuck in the dead mom's sweater in a pivotal scene.

And like during this scene, I had just a little taste of why you actually enjoy. these kinds of movies. That's right. Touche. I cried. I was laughing so hard.

I cried. It was pretty fucking amazing. All right. Well, there is absolutely nothing on the other side of this break, but there's a lot of it. So stick around for all the compelling drama that ain't.

So this is Christmas. Okay. And if I say no, I give the old nipple twist. Exactly. No, no. Not. Exactly.

Hey, guys, what you doing? Oh, hey, Kara. We're just getting ready for my New Year's resolution. By having Heath hug you from behind. Oh, no, Kara. This isn't a hug. It's my motivation.

If I don't do my New Year's goals of getting in better shape, he's going to give me the old nipple twist. I asked you so clearly not to call it that. It could also be a hug. It doesn't have to be just the one. It could be a hugger. Guys, guys, if you want to form new habits

the right way, you should try Fitbod. What's FitBod? First point of the year. Face. Damn it. Yice. They still do that. Still last year.

They still do that? They still very much do that, yeah. Okay. Well, FitBod combines the workout planning and tracking you need to stay consistent and make progress. Well, how do they do that? FitBod creates a personalized workout routine based on your goals, fitness level, and available equipment. And workouts adapt to your growth.

So each workout is challenging enough to push you to make progress. That sounds great. But have you actually tried it? I have. I signed up for FitBod when they first became a sponsor. I love that I can get a workout in whatever equipment I have available, whether that's a fully stocked gym or a hotel room. All right, Noah, I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Level up your workout in the new year. Join FitBod today to get your personalized workout plan. Get 25% off your subscription or try the app free for seven days at FitBod.m.com. That's FitBod, F-I-T-B-O-D-M-E-S-GAM. All right, Kara, thanks. Keith won't need to give me the old...

If you say it again, I'm going to pepper spray you. Don't do it. Me. All right, everybody. Welcome to the first ever writer's room meeting for So This is Christmas. Woo! Yeah. So, as you know, our movie is a story about Ashley, a teen who's been...

Wait, wait, sorry? Yeah, Bill. I thought the movie was about the character. I wrote, Jason. He's a drug addict stealing from his parents. Well, yeah, Jason's story is also a part of the movie. No, no, no way. I thought it was about Nikki, the girl escaping her abusive father, that I wrote.

Well, it's about that, too. Well, I'm not erasing any of my stuff. Neither am I. Because we don't have to erase anything. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Yes, Eric Roberts. I thought, I don't know movies about my character, sir.

Fucking Eric Roberts. No, Eric, the movie's not about your character. Oh, it's not? Nope. Nope, not even a little. Wow. Hey, am I band playing it? I want my band's a plan.

In the movie? Yeah, yeah, I want to be the movie with my band. Sure, man, why not? Yoss. Sorry, do you think your character's name is Eric Roberts? Okay. Mark him down. And we're back for the breakdown,

and we're going to open up learning what happens when a producer says, why will we pay for a title when the camera already has typing built into it? Times New Roman credits. You hate to see it. Marco Rubio required it. Yeah.

So we opened up on some ambulances, and I believe that was Boston, although the movie was shot in Oklahoma City or Tulsa. But all the license plates say Oklahoma. Yeah, right. So they, yeah, they weren't. trying that hard to fool us. But we open up on these ambulances,

these kids that have been shot go to a hospital. And we've learned that Eric Roberts is in the movie, get excited. It's a lot of blood for a Christmas movie. A lot of opening blood. Right at the beginning. A lot of opening blood and gunshot ones. Yeah, but all of this is to set us up for a doodily too, right?

So we cut to this room where this cop is going to interrogate a young girl named Ashley who's going to tell us now the story of the movie up to that point, right? The whole movie. Yes. Well, pretty much. There's an inexplicable amount of time left when the doodley do ends. But yes. All the stuff that's going to fucking happen.

If they had checked back in with this board cop in this completely dark makeshift interrogation room in this hospital. I don't have to know how you met your fucking boyfriend. I actually don't care about how you did it in the garage sale. You could just tell me about the shooting. You sold grapefruit loose in a basket at the garage sale to it? Get out of here. Just the facts.

But you didn't know where Nikki was. Okay. Cool. So, okay. So we doodily do first to a school auditorium where the drum, they're casting for the big play and Ashley's sitting in the back trying to get up the courage to try out for a part this year. Oh, she was trying to get current. I thought she was like too cool for it.

I thought she just stopped in for a roast. She just showed up to roast. This movie makes no sense. I do that to local schools in my area. I just popped my head in. Boo! Eli teaches a one. Yeah.

So, yeah, there's two tracks that I'm going to have to keep track of in this movie is what happened and what the writer was intending. But yes, what we're supposed to be seeing is her trying to get her courage up. But then she goes to the bathroom afterwards. She's like, oh, you don't have the guts to do

what you're never going to be able to do anything kind of a thing, right? By the way, though, Noah, you did notice, right, that the writer is the director, is the producer, is the DP, is the editor. of photography, yes. Wow. Well, he, it's a husband and wife duo. But he doesn't give her credit for all

of them. No. Like all great artists, you know. Yeah. Okay, Eli, just quick question about your personal life. You teach and you must do some auditions, right? You have like students auditioning for dramatic roles. Yeah. Are you just like shaking and your nose bleeding

to prevent you from roasting what's happening when it's bad? Okay. If I may sidetrack has a little bit, this actually happened to me because we had a semester-end viewing party of the things that my students did, and I started to roast it out of instinct. Like they were watching their scenes, and I was like, and they were like,

hey, professor, and I was like, I mean, yay. So these are college students, right, Eli? Yeah. So my guess is that everything they make is better than this movie was. 100%. Oh, yeah. They would have been thrown out of school

for some kind of. I would have found an excuse to throw them out. Okay, so I love, this is probably my favorite actual second of the movie. So she's in the bathroom, drinking some bleach. It looks like it's, I guess, a spiked drink that she's got. And then her friend shows up, her friend Nikki shows up. Now, we're going to get to Nikki in a second. But what I want to point out first is that she does the cover your eyes from behind, guess who thing.

But her friend is standing in front of a fucking mirror. Yeah, it's tough to do then. It also, okay, we need to talk about the fact that. the main character of this movie, Ashley, Amanda. Ashley. Ashley, she, that actor, was 21 when they shot this movie, she looks 12.

12. She looks 12. She does easily look like a 12 year old and her friend Nikki looks like she's 40. Yes, so it took me. And like she just showed up from 1983. Yes. So it took me 70 minutes of the movie to stop going, this must be her mother,

this must be her older sister, this must be her great grandmother for I realize all of these people are supposed to be her peers. You are my... This is freaking me out, Eli. So I've been watching these movies with my boyfriend now

and I was like, why is her high school friend looks so old? And he was like, no, that's her mom. Yes, that's literally what I do. I was like, no, no, it's not. Has to be her mom. Well, also, like any competent filmmaker would have done something

about the height differential between these two actors, right? Because there's like a foot and a half and that's common, right? That happens all the time in real life and it happens all the time in movies. But you normally give somebody a Tom Cruise or something to stand down.

Yes, right, exactly. And so that it doesn't seem like this actress talking to her navel the whole time or so that the shot can be framed in a way that makes sense, but... Wait, did you just say Apple cart and not Apple Box? Well, you just are very short people. Box was not enough.

Sometimes if they're short and they have trouble getting to the scene. It's an apple cart. Yeah, there you go. Also, by the way, it couldn't be her mom because her mom is just her in a wig. Her mom was also 12 years old. We'll meet her in a minute.

An insane casting choice. So, okay, so we get a series of scenes where we meet her dad, Eric Roberts, and her stepmom, Vivica Fox. And the dog? Yeah, well, and the dog. We meet the dog that everybody's ignoring.

It's very important that we meet the dog. Willie. William. Willie the dog. I named him William Wallace for the rest of my notes. He's the best. Excellent. We love him. He's Scottish.

And I would also like to point out that Noah did you an incredible gift podcast listener by telling you that Eric Roberts is her dad and Vivica Fox is her stepmom. Because the movie will not do that until I'm going to say 80 minutes in. There will just be random people. She calls by their first names wandering in and out of scenes. Keep in mind that Eric Roberts is blackout drunk. So you have no idea his relationship. He's like turning to the typewriter and being like, hey, baby, you know daddy, love you.

Also, like, he's 69 years old and not, well, I guess he was a little younger when this movie was made or whatever, but not a good look in 69, right? So he looks like this, and this girl looks 12. So he looks like this girl's grandfather. Yes. And he and Vivica Fox have zero chemistry. Oh, my God.

None. Oh, beautiful, incredibly talented actor. Vivica Fox didn't have a lot to bond with Eric Fox. She feels trapped in this movie by some kind of evil magic spell. If you told me that this movie is a subclause of one of the Wishmaster movies that she was originally in, that would make sense to me. She's also a garbage person in this movie. Her character is horrible, but you can tell she's just, you know, she's mad to be there.

She owed somebody something. Clearly, yeah. But at least they won't make her sing with Eric Roberts later. Is Eric? Wait, so the music in the movie, the amazing songs that are, like, sprinkled throughout. Do you think those are also him? I think so, yeah. I believe they are.

No chance they're not. I think we've got a lot of Eric Roberts on the piano. 100%. This is an Eric Roberts original. And it's really Eric Roberts singing with really Vivica Fox at the end. Yes, yes. Incredibly talented Vivica Fox and also Eric Roberts sing the other. Do you remember that time that Logan Paul's brother or whatever's name was

paid ancient Mike Tyson to pretend they were boxing each other? and we as a humanity, we're all like, I think that 90-year-old's going to kill that tattoo-covered child, right? And then he was like, oh, no, you got me. Good job, Kevin Paul, or whatever your name is. I fall down now. Right. That's what this acting is like.

Vivica Fox keeps having to look because she'll start to act, and Eric Roberts is like, don't you yell at me, Grandma? And she's like, oh, sorry, I was acting. I was going to, yeah. So, okay, we also have to meet her son, Eric Robert's stepson, Jason. who he forgot to pick up at school so he has to go pick him up and what we have to learn about Jason

is that he's on the track team and his mom wants him to make captain but his heart isn't really into it. We learn that the captain of the team so he has a chance to become captain because the captain hit the hurdle full on during practice today and he's out for the season and I just couldn't stop picturing

just running straight into a hurdle without trying to even slightly joke. A kid being bisected by a hurdle. Just wrapping himself inside of a hurdle son now. Final destination movie. Yeah. But yeah, so they get home. Vivica Fox is too busy. She's off at some benefit.

Jason leaves to go hang out with his girlfriend. Nobody wants to hang out with Eric Roberts, right? That's the scene. We also are establishing here that Ashley, the 12-year-old, is bad. Yes. Because she smokes cigarettes with her old friend. Right.

Yeah. smokes cigarettes and when her older friend Nicky finds out, they're supposed to be the same fucking age, but when her friend Nikki finds out that her dad's gone and that she's at home, she's like, oh, we should all go to, we should go to the club.

Meet me there in 15 minutes. Right? Because it's so easy to get ready for the club in 15 fucking minutes. Well, it is when your town has like eight people in it. Well, I guess so. Yeah, they don't have a big dress code at the VFW.

You can just kind of like to go on in. Oh my God. The outfits. Okay, so thank you, Kara. Okay, so here's the thing. They very clearly decided that when she's being bad, she's going to be dressed slutty. But because she is a child,

they all look like spirit team outfits or cheer outfit. They're not like clubbing outfits. You're right. They're like sparkly bloomers. No, she comes out. She's like Jean-Beney Ramsey, all of us. Yes, right. 100%.

She shopped in the toddlers and tiara section of her local Macy's, and she was like, this is what whores wear, right? Look how sparkly these shorts are Right, well, and I want to point out That if you watch the preview for this movie It's all the scenes of her and the sparkly shorts That's the entire preview Really?

But she's only in that outfit from like 30s? Right, yes No, the preview is just like Well, you're going to see some preteen midriff Huh? Ew. Who wants to see a 21 year old Who looks like a 9 year old

dressed like a 14 year old Who's dressed like a 19 year old? Do the math yourselves. Hey, don't ask questions that you don't want answers to, bud. Okay, can we take a second to talk about motorcycle man? Because this is where we meet him, right?

Oh, fuck, yeah. Motorcycle man, leather jacket. He's an angel, right? I think so, yes. Yes, that's my theory is that he is one of two guardian angels in this movie. Okay, yeah, yeah. It's a typical trope of a movie.

Yeah, he's a magical white guy, though, which is exciting. Magical white guy, you're right? I call him Future Heath throughout my notes. So, Glenn. Yeah, but so we meet him And he is, we fall in love with him right away because he's the first person that acknowledges this goddamn dog

that's been in the background whining for snugs the whole fucking time. That's true. Exactly. Yeah. But I can't emphasize enough how weird this is, right? Because we are watching like classic

after school special, right? Oh, hold on, his name is, this is, I'm adding to my theory. His name is Mack, right? My angel Clarence could be what Mack stands for. That's exciting. But sometimes in the, in the, when I watched everything

with closed captioning, and sometimes the subtitles, it's MAC, and other times it's MACK, they weren't sure. IMDB had it as MAC, so I'm pretty sure that's what they were going for. They didn't decide on whether Nikki ended with a Y or an eye either with those closed captions. But yeah, so what we see with the angel is like, so she walks out to go to the club in her horror clothes, and he is walking around the house, like making notes of all of the things that need repairs, but it also kind of feels like case in the joint. I thought he was going to rob them.

Me too. In my notes, I say, future Heath is a home inspector. And they never once ever established that this is a known person to anybody in this family. They just all act like they know him after he shows up, but he's a stranger. And they're supposed to not know him. Like they always knew him. Yeah, right. It's actually so wonderful because at a later point, and I'm not going to spoil it,

but at a later point in the movie, they will have to confront the fact that he hasn't met a character, but he still has to moralize at them in maybe my favorite moment of the entire movie. It is pretty fucking stupid. So, okay, so then we got to Nikki and Ashley at the club.

So we've already talked. She's drinking a martini. She ordered a fucking martini. At the club, and she's sitting in a folding chair, at a folding table with a tablecloth on. With a table club. And she's having her martini.

They're yell chatting over the house music so they can expose it at us a little bit. So we see that for a second. Don't worry. We'll be back to that. But then we have to check in on Jason, the brother, and he's walking down the street when all of a sudden some wrong side of the track,

you show up to peer pressure him into doing some drugs. And this is the most bizarre group of people. So first of all, Yes, it is. They're in like an old car. They're in Heath's car. On dubs. It's low mileage.

But like 20 inch rims, like the big ones, right? So they roll in high. The guy driving is white in a like a pork pie hat with a Confederate flag patch. Why? He's best worst. He is the only white person in this car and he has a confederate patch on his jacket and Nobody's acknowledging it. I think they had a big conversation before they pulled up for the drug deal where they

where he was like, you know, it wasn't about slavery and they're like going through the Wikipedia page to show him. I'm going to let this one go for today. But to be fair, it's not just a Confederate flag patch on one arm. It's also like an iron cross like eagle pin on the other. Yeah. It's not good. And the guy next to him is black and the guy in the back seat is black and they work for him. And right.

Yeah. And Jason, the kid that they pick up is black. So, and this is one of the most bizarre casting choices ever because any other movie that had this character in it would cast him as dork, right? Like, that's the, that's the cat. Oh, the drug dealer. Yeah, yeah, the drug dealer.

Yeah, yeah, no offense to the egg. Well, yeah, right, right, he's got that look. That's what you cast him for. I'm sure he can probably, he has some range and he'd do other stuff. But drug dealer, like, and drug dealer who's supposed to be intimidating and badass. It's so silly.

And the bucket hat just really, It's so small and silly It ruins the whole thing He looks like You remember Ricky Schroeder From Silver Spoons? He looks like shrunken Ricky Like sick

Ill Ricky Schroeder Yeah there you go Like for a movie That clearly had zero budget The muscle in the backseat Could have just been the drug deal Why not that character's supposed to be intimidating That guy's enormous and intimidating

He is intimidating He's like seven feet tall Right and it's not like you could say Well maybe he just didn't have the acting chops because we saw the drug dealers. Yeah. You can't even use reverse racism as an excuse because that's like a henchman for a drug dealer

in the back. Right. Hey man, look, I know you're really looking forward to playing a drug dealer, but I just don't think you're up for the acting challenge that this presents. So I went ahead and bought a fedora and the Confederate patch

and I'm going to take it ahead. I'm going to drug dealers. So, okay. Our little sister man. So meanwhile, so we check in on Ashley back at the conference. club. She's had one too many. So she wanders out into the back alley thinking that she's wandered into the quote, washroom. I know. I was like, is this Canada now? I'm so confused. Well, I think maybe

she's like 73 or something because she calls somebody a lush later. It's just terminology is on. Oh, well, because this movie was written, directed, filmed, and edited by an old man who, by the way, has won a lot of awards for his commercial work. Oh, really? Yeah. What? Yeah, like he's like a, he was like a celebrated commercial director. That makes sense. And this was him and his wife's passion project. You know there were like six shoots where they were trying to get like a gap commercial film. And he was like, you know, I'm working on a Christmas movie.

And they were like, sure, man. Whatever you shake your pants real quick. So, okay. So she's out in the alley and she passes out. But luckily a good Samaritan shows up, right? he gives her his coat because she's so underdressed. We all shared terror at this moment, right? Well, yeah, this is nonsense.

There's a random guy shows up to help, but he was coming in through the trash area. Right, yes, I was just, I was hanging out. And he drives a white windowless pedo van. Yes. He sure does. He's 25, 28, 30, sneaking into this teen club through the back with a van.

That's the context here. He's going to be a hero. Got to be super cool. clear that they serve alcohol at this place. I don't think it's supposed to be a teen club. I think it's just supposed to be a bar that serves 12-year-olds. The club. It's Dr.

Cain's Bob Blah, blah, blah, blah. In Pearl River, New York, where I grew up, there were many teen clubs that served alcohol. And some of them were converted VFW. And Heath was dressed like this actress when he went to the episode. That if you get in an alley.

Heath in the Sparkly shorts, now there's a Patreon. There we go. The creeps character is confusing to me for a few reasons. Number one, like, why did they choose to put him in a pedo van? Because he turns out to not be a creepster, but still driving the pedo van. Number two, he's kind of hot, which

made me feel uncomfortable. Just like, yeah, there was a lot of internal turmoil there. You're like, no, don't abduct me, no. And number three, she's like really sloppy, and he's like, I'm going to take you home. I'm going to, and he's like being patient with her, picks her

up, you know, like helps her to the car and then is annoyed with her for being drunk and having a hard time telling him where she lives. You put her there. Yeah, he's like, this isn't an abduction. Stop up trying to abduct yourself. It's like, Kara.

Bro, you didn't have to do this. You could have just left her there. Rapping duct tape around her own wrist. Stop, that's, I need that for painting later. I get that I'm in the van. I know there's a lot of stuff going on here. Oh, yeah, I'm also a painter. Yeah. Hey, do you know that this is actually a duct tape? The van is

Marks. If you look at it, there's barking. So it's not. A bad kind. So, okay. So then we go back home where we've got Vivica Fox getting home to Eric. I wrote here, Eric's 35 years younger wife gets home. She's, again, she's only like seven or eight years younger than him. But, man, he's not looking great. When you're Eric Roberts, them's his dog years.

You know what I'm saying? And I would like to say what this scene is actually about. Okay. Because you would be confused to think that it's about what this scene is scripted as in the movie. No, no, no. This scene is about Eric Roberts trying to improvise physical touch with Vivica Fox

and Vivica Fox using Matrix S. Kung Fu to avoid being touched. It's good. She might as well cartwheel up a wall. Impressive. Like, you know how a cat can just do that and you miss by a tiny amount

if they don't want to be touched? Amazing. Honestly, that makes all of this dialogue make perfect fucking sense. If the director's going like, none of this is in the script, right? Because she's going, like, he's like, she's like, how was your night? She's like, it was awful.

And he's like, do you want to go upstairs? She's like, no, I'm tired. And you're old and your dick is wrinkled. You know, it has nothing to do with it. No, Eric Roberts, stop it. But clearly, the dialogue was in the script because who can forget the classic exchange when she asks him if he fed the dog? And he says, yes.

And she says, that does. doesn't make up for the fact that you can't give me children. What the fuck was that? I love this so much. Like, the whole time I'm watching this movie, I'm like, am I having, like, micro seizures? Because a blink. And then the dialogue is so different than it was one second ago.

And what's amazing is you can watch Vivica Fox psych yourself up to say each insane line. Right? She does, like, a, all right, you can do this. I think this movie was originally five hours long, and then they actually had to cut. Oh, interesting. A significant portion of the dialogue. Yeah, and they were like, it'll all make sense.

Yeah, yeah, they'll fill it in. The director's cut includes two Gap commercials. The director's cut is done also by the editor. Yeah, right, right. It's also the husband of the script writing. So she yells at him for having dusty sperm, and then Ashley comes in doing a terrible job of sneaking home drunk. Yeah, she goes, are you drunk?

And I wrote in my notes, no, she caught cerebral palsy on the way. Oh, no, Eli, no. So, yeah, so, but, so. You can't catch that. Marsh wishes. You can't say that, Eli. Look, Marsh told me it was okay. Oh, okay.

So Vivica Fox is about to get onto her for being drunk, and Eric Roberts is like, no, nope, this one is mine. I get the white kid, you get the black kid, I'll parent her, right? And so he takes her up to a room where we have this really uncomfortable him touching himself with her hands moment repeatedly. He keeps putting her hand on his face and she keeps taking it away and he keeps grabbing it again. It's, yeah. Yeah, he's putting his drunk teenage daughter to bed. Yes.

And caressing her sexually. when he has a flashback of his dead wife covered in blood, which just gets him hornier. Happens to the best of us, Kara. Not just that. His dead wife covered in blood who is played by the actress who plays his daughter. Yes.

Right? So while he's touching his daughter, he has a flashback to his daughter dead and covered in blood. Yeah, it took me a while. I had to pause it and, like, do some calculations to figure out. Oh, I just read Noah's notes. I just said, no, my trick is always I just. go, I don't know what happened and scroll up.

And I go, okay, Noah figured it out. Two or three passes in, Noah's explaining the whole movie to me. There's also this great fucking moment because they have this conversation where he's like, you know, I'm really disappointing you for being drunk and blah, blah, blah, blah. But then as he's about to leave, she says, apropos of nothing, why do you disappoint

Sharon so much? That's Vivica Fox's character. So why do you disappoint your wife so much, Daddy? I'm like, wow, right to the core of his being. My jaw gets higher, okay? I have fucking Julia's better acting to me okay my sister's a really good act

just fuck you whatever I'm Eric Roberts I got to have sex with Angelina Jolie probably Oscar nominated so the next morning Wait wait Jason snuck in too and his drugs made him run real fast Yeah that's right yeah yeah Jason sees

He's way better at sneaking in than Ashley's but apparently a little bit more experience So okay so now it's the next morning Jason is making an elaborate breakfast that no one will ever eat. I was furious. When Ashley... And why, wait, why is Ashley so hung over from her martinis?

And Jason is, like, raring to go when he was, like, snorting rails of God knows what in the car the night before. Right. Well, he's got, he's maybe snorting rails this morning, too, so he's a little... Oh, yes, the downers and the uppers and the downers. Yeah, that makes sense. Okay. You got to plan ahead. Just think.

Think it through. Duh. So she comes downstairs all hungover, take some aspirin dry, woof. And then she has to vomit. And I'm like, well, yeah, you probably should have had some water with your fucking aspirin or something.

But he's like, hey, I got just the thing for you. And he pulls out his heath flask. That's my term for just carrying a bottle of liquor with you. It's like a flask. It's like a flask. I just didn't bother to put it in a flask. But it's bigger. And why are you hiding it?

Just have a bottle of scotch. You're describing having a bottle of scotch with you in the morning. Which is totally normal. Yeah, breakfast scotch. It's a nice, normal breakfast scotch. A little backpack scotch. Stop tearing our family apart, Kare.

You don't get hung over if you keep drinking. That's right. That's true. That's what they say. Duh. Plan ahead. So he gives her some peppermint schnops. Oh, I, okay. So when I was in college, I lived in this like weird meth house and my roommate was a bartender and she would feed us peppermit schnops all the time.

It kind of works. Oh, really? Okay. Yeah, it's a little hair of the dog and like, listen. Thoreen at the same time for the morning. It actually tastes good in your coffee. It does. Okay. That makes sense. Oh, her backpack is

empty. I love this in movies. She's walking around with an empty backpack and Sharon's drinking zero coffee in her empty from an empty mug. I'm also at this point doing more calculations on my wall to determine employment structure of the family.

So there are recycle logos all over the house. And so I'm like, okay, so dad is a recycling magnet. But then I realized, dad doesn't have a job. He doesn't appear to. Mom is a lobbyist. They later say she's a lobbyist. And he's like, your lobbying job makes you no money.

And I'm like, there is no lobbying job that makes you no money. Yeah, no, that was my question. Yeah. But it's because she lobbies for recycling. Yeah, she's a lobbyist for the Earth, apparently. Yeah, Earth doesn't pay well, yeah. And that's bad in the movie. I guess, yeah.

She's spending too much time on it, damn it. Yeah. So Jason asks Ashley for. some money for his drug dealer. We learn here that he's into his drug dealer for a couple hundred dollars. We actually learned that in an earlier scene, but it made so little fucking sense when they said it that we didn't bother to bring it up because, you know, I didn't have the wherewithal to do the pushpins in the yarn and everything.

Yeah, I didn't even learn it here. Right, yeah, but he needs money for his drug dealer. That's going to be super important later. Then he leaves, Sharon comes in. The mom comes in and gets on to Ashley, not for being drunk, but for using her drunkenness to steal away Eric Roberts' attention. Oh, yeah, that's weird. Okay, this was in, and it escalates so fast.

Charin just walks in and is like, hey, good morning. Stop being sexually competitive over your dad. I know what you're doing to this high school girl. It was insane. Yeah. I saw your cheer outfit. But then they all leave, right? She leaves to go to work.

The kids leave to go to school. And then Eric Roberts comes in. Now, what we're supposed to be getting out of this is that Eric Roberts feels unloved or uncared for by his family, right? He comes in and there's nobody there to greet him and there's nobody to have breakfast with him. But, like, he just woke up late. Right?

Like, they were just there making breakfast. This is just Eric Roberts in real life. Yeah, he's just hung over. You will never convince me that Eric Roberts didn't improvise this and they didn't have the heart to shut off the cameras. He just walks in right as they're about to call cut. Hey, everybody, it's time for Eric's scene now.

I don't think he was doing a scene. I think this is him. In real life, he thought he was in his house, in his house as far as he knows. And he's just telling himself what he's doing, scooping coffee. Fucking sinking down. Did you guys notice that weird loose faucet? It was really loose. Like, it was going to be crazy.

The other thing, too, that I noticed in this, he goes to make his coffee and he goes, make it strong. So he puts one spoonful of coffee grounds into the coffee maker and misses with most of them. He fucking, he catapults it towards the coffee maker. It's like, that's going to be the weakest-ass coffee you've ever fucking had. I don't even know if you're going to qualify. Unless you're about to put an eyedropper of water in that machine and turn it on. So, okay, but this is the point in the movie where the biker guy, Mac, shows up and he rings the door, Melanie, offers to do some odd jobs for Eric Roberts. Yeah, which is what they have like a meat queue, right?

It's very clear they've never met before. Also, Eric Roberts is giving him some bedroom eyes in this meat queue. This is weird This is the first of many scenes Where it was very clearly Supposed to be porn Yes And then they just didn't

Right because Eric Roberts is like Well I can't afford And to give you any money for this And then Matt goes like Well what do you have to trade? Yeah And then the scene ends yes Yes

End of scene We have to assume they fucked Yeah And we'll never see a thing That he's traded to Mac We never see Mac with like new shoes Well, though he's actually going to let Mac stay in his garage is going to be the trade. This fits with the Guardian Angel thing.

Does he let him, though? That's the thing. No one ever explicitly said that. That's what I assumed as well. I did not. No one said it out loud. He's just in the garage later. I think it's tacitly understood here that they have sex and Mac gets to live in the garage.

I mean, yeah. Okay. That's the deal that's made in barter. But for all the children, nobody is told that this man is at their home. No. This man works at their home. No. And then he's got permission to be in their garage, yes.

That's very strange. So, yeah, so but then we get this moment where like Ashley is skipping school and she's going to go hang out with Nikki and some more of her hoe clothes. But as she's leaving, she runs into this guy that Eric Roberts blew in exchange for a lamp post fixing or whatever. Who she's never met before. Who she's never met. And yeah, and he's going to like, yeah, you know, be all judgey with her.

Well, and she's like, I'm leaving to go get fucked up. Can you tell my dad I'm at my friend's house? And he's like, sure. Yeah. You've never met this man before. This is just a random maintenance worker at your house. Yeah. But he sees her throwing out an empty bottle in a brown paper bag, which will matter later.

Not really. Sure will. When it happens again. Yeah, right. There's like a whole other scene where she throws out an empty bottle. So, okay. So, but then we get Jason's girlfriend coming over to. the house, and Eric Roberts is the only one there.

And I don't know what the fucking writer, director, editor, DP was going for in the shop. But what Eric was going for was flirting with this poor young actor. Porn. Yeah, right. He's going for the opening of a porn that he just finished fucking the handyman. And now his stepson's girlfriend is there to take off the shirt she's wearing and talk to him about how great he is. Yeah, that is a very classic. yeah, yeah. Old dude gets it on with

son's stepson's girlfriend. Yes, exactly. And she, like, they actually did write her character if, I think she's one of the better actresses in this terrible film. Yeah, but clearly her character was written as girl with low self-esteem. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah, which makes this all the creeper, especially when he starts calling her baby and shit. He calls her baby like five times.

Oh, so creepy. She might as well be at the front door with like, I got a, just dryer on my head. Can you help me, sir? She just keeps getting stuck in random things in the room. Eric Roberts is like, I can get it. I just say him. Try and imagine, though, your father calling your teenage girlfriend baby. Right?

Just. Ew. Gross. Just. Imagine your father being Eric. I would leave home like Lou Ferringo. I would just walk off down the road and start a friend of life. Ferringo.

So, okay. The Hulk? Yeah, he wasn't, that's, he didn't walk off as the Hulk. It wasn't Lou Farragno then. He was always the Hulk from his heart. He's method. Yeah. So, but then, so we cut to Jason now, the brother, having dinner with Vivica Foxx.

And this is a scene that normally I would leave out, except for this is where we really start to dig in on how snobby Vivica Fox's character is. Oh, she's awful. Yeah, she's like, I don't like you dating that angel girl. her mom works at Walmart. Yeah. She hopes he finds a new girlfriend on keep it moving.com. Oh, yeah.

No, she hopes he finds new booty. That's what she says. Which is a totally normal way for moms to talk to their teenage sons. Yeah. By the way, in case you guys are wondering, capeitmoving.com is only $750,000 for your daddy.com. So if we're interested in making that investment. All right.

And some new booty. Or not. Yeah. So, but the main point of this scene, of course, is that he's on the drug. So he's hitting his mom up for money. And you might be thinking to yourself, surely this guy knew better than to make his like one young African-American man character to drug dealer. He didn't.

He did not know that. He did not know that. Or the drug addict rather. Yeah. His drug dealer is completely different. And so Vivica Fox, Sharon, mom, she is like. so cunty and she's so judgy about his girlfriend's

parents who work nights at Walmart, right? Or I guess single mom who works nights at Walmart and yet he is asking his mom for money for new shoes and a team jacket for his team. Of course, that's his cover and he needs $350.

I love this. She says she only has $150 and then proceeds to write him a check. Right. $150 in your checking account? Yeah, in, in that check, like that check has a $150 limit. Here's a traveler's check. What?

Well, and then she takes some shopping and buys more shit. So she doesn't only have $150. Yes, exactly. So why wouldn't she just give him cash? It would make sense if she only had $150 in cash. But, yeah. That's what I thought she was going to give him cash. But it's like they forgot.

Like the director forgot to get cash for the scene. I'm thinking Eric Roberts stole from her wallet in real life. Oh, there you know. And the prop money wasn't there. There you know. check, I guess. But again, if she only has $150 in her checking account, who is she to judge? Right, the Walmart lady.

The girlfriend's mom who works at Walmart. So, okay, but they get home from a shopping spree, and Eric Roberts is there, and he doesn't look happy because when the girlfriend was there, he found out that Jason's been lying about going to study with his girlfriend when he's really been going out to do drugs. Oh, this is fun. Eric Roberts does the, like, angry reveal thing where he's been sitting there in the dark the whole time and they walk in and he's like oh hello i'm angry but the problem is he's not on a spinning chair first of all he's in a cozy chair that doesn't spin he's in a lazy boy he has

yeah he's a lazy and he has a leg blanket going so he's got a cozy trying to be like i am furious hold on let me just get my leg blanket off i'm furious at you all the foot thing won't catch hold on let me get the foot thing won't catch those also keep in mind that he's still eric roberts he's blackout drunk yeah so right the lights come on, and he very clearly cringes. You're like, ah, bright, right. But then, but then he has that, like, weird background glare smile. Like, he always tries to be mad, but he can't help but be like,

I'm smiling. I am on drugs. I am on drugs for real. You got me. I am. But mom sends Jason upstairs so that the two of them can fight over whose kid is a bigger loser. This is the most fucked up dialogue ever.

Right? She's like, your daughter, dress is like, trailer trash. She says your daughter is a trailer trash loser. Oh, that is what she says, yeah. Terrible. And he's like, no, you know, she's dealing with some stuff. He's actually a much better parent here.

Oh, yeah. And he's like, and your son, you know, he's just like, he's, I think he's struggling with drugs. And she's like, my son's an athlete and one day he'll be important. What? So rough. Yeah. And they both think their kid is cool, but the step kid is like evil and they're shitty about it. Both of them in both directions.

Like, parents shouldn't be allowed to parent their kid. Like, just nobody, their parents are insane. It's a village situation. That was good. This is bad now. Yeah. So, okay. Eli, you should not be allowed to parent your child.

I was going to say, hey, everybody. He's probably mostly biased by watching how bad I am at parenting my child. It's okay. But Ashley overhears her calling her trailer trash. So she goes to takes the dog, goes with the dog into the garage where she finds Mac. the guy that was just doing repairs in her house earlier, now sleeping in her garage. This is where Mack like wipes away her tears.

No touchy child. Yeah, with his weird like grease rag from his pocket. Fucking gross, man. And then he takes off his shirt and like wraps it around her. Oh, this is amazing. So he gives her his shirt. Because she's dressed like a hoe. Yeah.

Right. And to put her better on. And he says, she says, what can I do? and he says, why don't you take care of Willie? Oh, no. I don't use the name of the dog. But my notes once again say, cue sexy sex, damn it.

Cue sexy sex. And then we watch her go upstairs to her room and take her dress off for no reason except that the director, writer, or director of photography, whatever, decided that he could make this girl take her dress off professionally. There's no point in this spot.

fucking seen. Am I wrong? Well, she, there's a, there's the tag is still on the dress. She stole the dress. Oh, okay. All right. Yeah. But also like, she takes it off and explores that, you know, a little hint, I stole this dress, but she's standing there looking at herself in the mirror, but she's wearing like full body space. She's wearing a Victorian body suit. What 12-year-old who looks like her needs to wear space? This is so strange. So meanwhile, Jason is out snorting lines again. Okay.

Lines the width of his thumb. Just enormous. The doing of drugs was almost my best worst in this, too. Like, the line, it's crazy huge. Earlier when they do the drug deal in the car, it's like he's handed a bottle of pills and he just shakes out five different pills from this like mixed bottle of pills onto the dashboard. Grimes him with a hammer three times. And then snorts like the Long Island iced tea of drugs.

drugs for fun. Puts him in a spice grinder while he's just sitting there looking at everybody. They're always different colors. You're right. Sometimes the rails are pink. Sometimes they're white.

Sometimes they're yellow. Sometimes they make him sleepy. Sometimes they make him angry. And so this is the point where my boyfriend turns to me and says, you would think with Eric Roberts in this movie they would be better at drugs.

Yeah. You would think. What are you good for? if not consulting on our drug use. Although the enormous lines here, that could have been him helping. It's too small. That wouldn't do much.

You want a bigger line than that. But of course, the point of this, this is where, like, he runs into the drug dealer again and the drug dealer beats him up. Not for, like, owing him money or anything, just because drug dealers beat up

their customers sometimes. Makes zero sense. It's the worst, like, business plan. Right? A drug dealer could ever come. Also, Jason is a teenage boy in a high school, and the drug dealer is in the high school. So is he like a 38-year-old high school student?

Yes. Just because I have a drug dealer doesn't mean I'm not also a paraprofessional in a special education classroom. And also, I'm getting my degree to become a BCBA, and I'm selling mixed bottles of pills in the meantime. We should also, we could not, we have to be super clear about it because he beats this kid up, but the kid Jason is like so much bigger and more intimidating than the dorky drug dealer guy. Yeah.

All right. Well, this is about the point in the movie where I stopped wondering when it was going to get to the point and settled into the fact that this is, in fact, the point. So on the memory of that dark realization, we're going to pause for a quick break, but we'll back in a minute with even more of. So this is Christmas. Oh, yeah. It's a Christmas movie, you guys. Yes, eventually. I'm a rat on your shoulders

to my next drug deal. So it's like Tetris? I mean, those are both video games, but they're very different. It sounds like Tetris to me. Kara. No, no, me. Me, me, me. Carrar, yeah. Look, look what we got you. It's a plastic bag.

No, no, not just any plastic bag. It's food from your favorite Thai place. Back in L.A.? In L.A., yep. How did you get it here? How do you think? We flew. Yeah.

It took two red eyes and some incredibly expensive Ubers. But, uh, ta-da! Guys, if you wanted to offer Kara a fresh and delicious meal on the go, why didn't you just try Factor? What's Factor? Two points first week. Early. Face.

Nice. I'm going to clone you again. I'm going to clone you again. Factor makes it easy with fully prepared meals designed by dietitians and crafted by chefs so you can eat well without the shopping or cooking. I don't know, Noah. Don't those meal delivery boxes get a little. old samey. Not with Factor. Factor has 100 rotating weekly meals. Options include high

protein, calorie smart, Mediterranean diet, GLP1 support, and ready to eat salads. I mean, that sounds great, Noah, but who has the time to cook? With Factor, everybody has time. Factor meals are always fresh, never frozen, ready in about two minutes with no prep and no stress. But have you actually tried it? I sure have. Factor sent us a box to try when they became a sponsor. I love how they help me follow a heart-healthy diet even when I'm short on time. That's why I know All right, Noah, I'm sold. Where do we sign up? Head to factormeals.com slash awful 50 off and use the code awful 50 off to get 50%

off your first box plus free breakfast for one year. Offerly valid for new factor customers with code and qualifying auto-renewing subscription purchase. Make healthier eating easy with factor. I still don't understand why the food is like loose in the plastic bag. Oh, styrofoam does not do well in baggage check. I see. Really crammed it in there.

Got it. I'm telling you, babe, I just need to stop real quick. You said we were going to the movies. Real quick. Hey, Charlie, can I help you? Yeah, I was hoping you had some stuff? Yeah, sure do. That'll be $100.

I don't got it, Charlie. Oh. Well, then you can't have any drugs. Please, Charlie. You know I'm good for it. I don't. No, that because you don't have the money now. Just come by drugs when you have the money, and then I'll give them to you.

No, no way. When I come back, you're going to rough me up. Why? What? Why would I do that? And then, if I didn't have money later, then you might have your way with my girl. You brute. What?

Whoa. Okay, this is a drug store. You buy drugs here. Nobody's roughing anybody up or assaulting anybody at all. Definitely not that either. Oh, that's not your plan? No. No. You give me money, and I give you drugs.

I think you're thinking of like a bookie? A bookie. Right. A bookie. All right, babe, let's go hit the ATM. Sure. Not how business works at all. I said I was sorry. And we're back for more of the shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Ashley returning Max's shirt that he gave her the night before. Okay. This is just a bad movie making thing, but it made me laugh so hard. She's giving back the exact. shirt that he's wearing. Yep, I noticed that too.

Look, it's just because that's this character's costume and they were like, oh, we got two of those shirts, but it implied a Charlie Brown closet full of the exact same shirt. Which works if they're all like black t-shirts, but they were a really hideous plaid. The same plaid.

We're also supposed to think that this character is unhoused, I do believe. So he just carries around seven or eight of that shirt with him. So also, there's a really uncomfortable moment because like earlier she lied to him and said she was going to audition for a Christmas play when she was really going to the club. And he

turns to her at this point and goes, you'll make a great Virgin Mary. Oh, is that what happened? Yeah. This whole virginity conversation is fucking insane. It is. Yeah. Well, he's an angel. That's why he's a virgin.

Yeah. Exactly. Right. Well, she goes, who said I'm a virgin? And I'm like, whoa, man. I want to be clear that if a strange adult, talk to my son about whether or not he's a virgin. Murder is the nicest thing I would do to them. It's the nicest possible world.

Okay, but if he was like, I fuck all the time. What are you talking about, guy? Okay, because that's the comedy piece. Because that's her reaction. She's like, I fuck all the time. And he's like, well, some people are virgins. And then we never come back to it. Right.

Yeah, because he's a virgin because he's an angel. He has no genitals, yeah. So, but then he starts talking about, well, I thought you were going to be at a Christmas play with the Virgin Mary. and she goes, oh, nobody does Christmas plays like that with Jesus in him anymore. That's not politically correct. It's banned by the liberal elites. This is a real.

This is a real problem. People who hear this and believe me. I need to go to the litter box. Are going to be the reason that Donald Trump becomes president twice. And then he hands, so think about how clumsy this exposition is, right? He goes, he says without handing her the journal that's about to be the source of this information. Sharon was in the band with your parents. We do not know that her parents were in a band.

We do not know that Sharon was in said band. He just says that out loud, apropos of nobody does Christmas place anymore, and then hands her a journal with that information in it. Well, first he hands her a poster. And that's the really, so not only do we not know that her parents were in a band, we hardly know her mom is dead and looks like her.

So when he hands her the poster, what I see is, his stepmom, some random guy who my boyfriend informed me was what Eric Roberts looked like when he was young. That was Eric Roberts, yes. And then the girl, Ashley. Yes, Ashley, the actor, yeah. It's the same actor.

She plays her dead mother, but she looks 12. I cannot like stress this enough. So I was like, what am I? My brain is breaking. And my boyfriend had to give me a full explanation. He's got charts with boxes. the family tree. I was confused too.

I didn't catch that. I just thought it was Ashley on this concert poster or like album cover from back in the day of Eric Roberts of the band. But then weren't you confused when she was like,

what is this? I was confused throughout this movie. I was confused throughout this movie. But what I was looking at it in that moment was like like Fleetwood met like rumors of incest. And I was like,

what the fuck is happening right now? It was giving those vibes. It was like one night only. And then she was like, how do you know all this? And he was like, oh, I stole your dead mom's diary. And I only read a little bit, except I have her entire history. Well, he says, he says, you know, which, you know, it was getting pretty personal.

So I stopped and I'm like, it's a diary. It started pretty fucking personal, man. Jesus. But this is, of course, this is the fucking inciting incident, apparently, because this is where he invites her to be the acting coach for the kids down at the shelter. that are putting on a Christmas play. You might as well say, you won't believe what the movie's about now.

Yeah, weird turn. Yeah, she goes, I can't act and I'm like, stop teeing me up script. Hey, you guys want to hear something that really bothered me? Sure. She went to Rada,

the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts. Like, Ashley? Yeah, the Feroost Acting School of England. I mean, let me say this. Either she went to Rada or her IMDB is lying. One of those two things is true. I think we've seen this a lot, though.

We've seen this where you can take somebody who has talent. Careful. Given the worst script. Yes. And the worst directing and the worst editing ever. I got to put these knives away. Give me one second. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, we don't know. We don't know if she's talented because they didn't give us a chance to find out. Eli, remember that when Wednesday Adams was in that movie, with the weekend. Yes. And how just terrible she was. And you'd never know she was actually a good actor just based on that movie.

Yeah. Yeah, that's what's happening here. Wait, Jenny Ortega or Christina Ragee? Gen. Ortega. Yeah. Hashtag not Heaths Wednesday Adams, apparently. Hey, you're talking to the old seer. Yeah.

Thank you. So he asks her. I want to know what that noise was. What was the noise thought? I was trying to make sense of why he said thank you. Was he saying thank you? Like I'm also an old? Or was he saying thank you like for making the distinction between my young self and your old self?

Because you are four years younger than me, Eli. I am so much older looking than I am actually. It's upsetting. So, okay, back to the movie. Noah, I got you. Kara's favorite Wednesday Adams is Lisa Loring. Do you? I got you, Noah.

This is a weird turn, right? Because she hates everything and she's drunk all the time. And he's like pretty sure what you really want to be doing is helping sixth graders act in a Christmas play down at the shelter. Don't worry, it'll only be three days a week and a half day Saturday. Right. So three whole days? That's what he said.

A week? So she just drops out of school for this? They're putting 28 hours a week into this fucking second graders. Christmas way, just her. And he doesn't pay her. Yeah. Well, he's blackmailing her. Well, so yeah, because she goes, I don't know how to act. And he pulls out the bottle of liquor that she threw away.

She goes, that's not mine. And he goes, see, there, you're acting right there, huh? I miss that, that he was blackmailing her. Well, so she says, you're blackmailing me. And he's like, no, I'm not. Technically doesn't count because I'm an angel. And I'm bad. Yeah, right.

I'm a Machiavellian angel. This counts this you're allowed to sometimes. Yep. Yep. So, okay. So then we cut to Jason. and his girlfriend, Angel, they have just fucked on a fold-out bet.

Okay, here's what I'll say. If the rest of the movie, they had had sore backs, this would have been a perfect comedy. If for the rest of the movie, whenever they had to bend down, they were like, oh, one second,

sorry, no, I fucked on a fold-out couch. Just going to be, one second. Can we take it just a second to talk about what era, like, what year is it supposed to be in this movie? Great question.

Because she's wearing a Paul Frank robe. They're on the couch we all had in the 90s with that same, like, Afghan, you know, like draped across the back. There was a tape deck in Eric Roberts's car at the beginning. There's a tape deck, yeah. Oh, really? The friend Nikki has an obscene amount of safety pins on her jacket. She looks very 80s. Yeah, right.

So many safety pins. But they're on cell phone sometimes. Maybe everybody was told it was a period piece from a different decade. Oh, right. Like, that would make sense because I think Eric Roberts thinks he's in the 70s most of the time in this movie.

In real life. Well, yeah, well, that too, yeah. So, okay. But Angel and Jason are, have just fucked. He has no time for snuggling, damn it. They have the, he won't say I love you conversation. Reasonable. We haven't done that in movies.

It spoils it if you say it too much. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. But this is where she reveals that she's. You piece it. Oh, fuck you. Oh, you're broken. I love you.

I have to talk about this one thing, though. When they get out of bed, look, I know it's just because they didn't want to show these actors naked, right? But they get out of bed and they're both wearing, like, their pajamas, like underwear and T-shirts, which means that they fucked. And apparently with his dick still sticky, they just both pulled on.

And laid in bed to not snuggle Because he immediately gets up Yeah, right, he gets right up, yeah Okay, I feel like you're making fun of me a lot right now But so, but she admits She tells him at this point that she's pregnant And he gets really mad at her egg For not defending against his sperm better

He says you should have been more careful You? To her. Yeah. He says that to her. Spit it out. Yeah. And he also tells her that she is, quote,

out of her gourd. He says, Jesus loves you, but we can't keep the baby. Yeah. He says, this isn't a good time to get married.

Got to book those spaces like a year in advance. I got this drug habit. I got to support. Yeah, right. Right. Well, he says, you should get an abortion.

And I'm like, that's a great idea, actually, though. But then she's like, I don't want an abortion. I'm like, oh, wow, it would really suck if, you know,

you didn't have the choice as to whether or not to get an abortion. Yeah. That would be terrible, wouldn't it, if you didn't have free choice in that matter? And I love this. She's like, plus, I couldn't afford it. And he's like, you're such a gold digger. Always asking me for money for your abortion.

You don't want. Whoa, dude. Well, you got to get off these in-cell forums. Like, just say way too much time. Hey, fellows. It looks like yet another Stacy has chatted me again for that sweet, sweet abortion money. Oh, God. So, yeah, but so he goes out.

And then he sells the nice jacket His mom just bought him for abortion money, I guess. But we don't know that yet. We think he's selling it for drugs. Well, he might be selling it for drugs too. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So, but then we get a, we get a scene where Mac introduces Ashley to the shelter kids and they're so precocious that she just can't wait to direct their Christmas play

and write it now, apparently. Oh, these kids, these kids. Yeah. They all have special talents. Kevin's is violence. Yeah. So then we get this track meet scene where we see that Jason's drug use is starting to affect his athletic performance, right?

It's a delay there. You would think it would have started doing that earlier. Yeah, you'd think. Right. So, yeah, it's just a sloppily made fucking movie. Yeah. It was fun watching him, like, run head on into every hurdle like they described earlier. He just, like, smashes right into him a bunch.

He's using hurdles to knock over other hurdles, not in his lane. Yeah. They show us the starter. gun of a race, too. It's a track and field race, and he's running the hurdles. And they show us the starter gun, like a close-up of a hand and a starter pistol, and then the gun goes off, but the hand doesn't

pull the trigger at all. I don't know why they chose that. As if the movie's trying to say, no, there's going to be guns later, gosh, remember? Did you ADR that later? Right. Is this still? But then we see here that his, that Jason's mom isn't showing up to his track meets. And then, yeah, he's got to, he's got to

fuck up his track thing. And they decide to go with hurdles of all of the fucking track things that you could have this poor actor fuck up. You go with fucking hurdles, right? And fumbling the baton. And fumbling the baton, yeah. So coach yells at him.

Oh, he's pissed. Yeah. That was like his magnum opus, that coach. Well, right. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Well, that's the coach has like these six lines and he's like, I'm going to deliver the shit out of these ones. No small parts.

Then there's a quick moment. So Nikki has been trying to talk Ashley into shoplifting, right? That's how she got that dress earlier. And then we see a scene where she like almost steals some designer sunglasses. And then she thinks about, like she decides not to. Yeah. And just as she decides not to, the security guard gets her.

Right. And it looks like she decided not to because she takes him for a second. And then she looks over the side super suspiciously. And she sees, I think Mac. She does see Mac. He's wearing like a suit jacket as if he's a security guard there maybe. or was following them somehow. No, it's like he's shopping in the background.

Or he happened to be shopping. Because he's the gardener angel. Yeah. See? Okay. This is where I was like, I think Mac is a guardian angel. The gardener angel. Oh, he's the gardener angel.

He's the gardener angel. The garageian. The garage. Yes. Okay. Yeah. Idiot. Why did I try and mother?

So yeah. So, but then they go to the clubs. They go to the Keynes, Bob's, Dave's, Chris's Ruth's ballroom. I call it the makeshift club. Yeah. There you go. They go to the make shift. And now Ashley feels all mopey about, you know, how sinful her life has become.

She doesn't even want to smoke cigarettes anymore. Because that's why you smoke cigarettes for the sin taste. Yeah, exactly, exactly. So, yeah, there's like, Nikki meets a boy and they invite her to a party. Yes, Ken. Ken's the best actor I've ever seen, I think. Ken is amazing. Ken needs to take your classes, Eli.

Ken needs some work. Hello? Is the camera on? Still rolling. You got this, bud. Eric Roberts tried to buy my shoes. Yeah, that's two. So yeah, but Ashley realizes that, you know,

this life is no good. And so she's going to go home and think about Jesusy stuff, apparently. So then we get a scene where she's checking in on Mac in the garage because, like, he has tasked her with now writing this play. And the play is supposed to be

about the book of Luke. And she's like, yeah, I couldn't find it. There's a table of contents, though, in the book. It tells you where it is. Also, he's like, you could use Google. And I'm like, God, what year is it? Google exists in this movie. Just Alta Vista it up, and you got it.

So, okay, so then we cut to Jason. And he's walking down the streets looking for drugs. Now he's jacketless because he sold his jacket. And I have to wonder, like, was that his only jacket or has he sold all of his jackets now for drugs? Well, they live in Oklahoma. You don't need that many jackets. Okay, but I think it's supposed to be Boston, though. But yeah, okay.

He's got the meth itchies. Yeah, clearly, yeah. In this scene, yeah. Yeah, well, so he's, and he's attracted to, like, as we've mentioned earlier, he's addicted to drugs just sort of generically, not specific ones. Yeah, he usually, he chooses to snort his drugs. But the one, so the drug dealing team is the leprechaun white guy who's 38 and tiny and like a white supremacist. And then he's got his friend who's just always smoking out of like a crack pipe. Yeah, the Mohawk guy.

That's just like, yeah. Well, no, there's the Asian Mohawk guy who's only in one scene. And then there's another black guy who's just always got a crack pipe in his mouth. And then he's got the seven foot muscle. Yes. And they just all hang out together all the time. Mostly on fire escapes for some reason. They're usually snapping their fingers.

They do a lot of snapping. They're good at choreographed stuff, for sure. So, yeah, so he comes up and he's like, hey, man, I've got some money and I would like some drugs. And they're like, no, we're going to beat you up instead. Makes no sense. None. We just don't like you. It's just, and Ashley's her friend, Nikki, who did we ever talk about how she got beat up by her dad?

We haven't gotten to that. Oh, it hasn't happened. Yeah, we're about to be there. Sorry. Spoiler alert. Oh, my God, I almost ruined the movie. Yeah, right. So she's at the bar waiting for Ashley,

but Ashley's moved on to doing Christ-like things, like helping, you know, shelter kids. So she's sad and lonely. So she goes to school. She breaks into the school for a sadness montage. Yeah, to listen to a piano sonata on her headphones. On an iPod. Yeah.

With the clicky wheel. Yes, yeah. I found this while I was Googling Luke. But meanwhile, so Jason now, in order to get his drugs, they've now roped him into a burglary. And I'm like, wow. Yeah, the boys are doing crimes. Yeah, like all my drug dealers have always just taken money.

Every single one of them. Yeah, look, I'm not going to call out anyone on this podcast who may or may not have been a drug dealer. But I was definitely a drug dealer. And the minute someone told me they didn't have money for drugs, I became terrified of them. Right? There was never a situation.

where I was like, well, I guess it's time for me to work you over old-fashioned style. I was like, oh, this is an indication that you're about to rob me. I'm the only person with anything of value here today. This sounds bad. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Well, and not just that. Would you enlist the drug, you know, the user who doesn't have money to pay for the drugs that you're holding?

Well, me and my gang of Tufts. I'm so glad you asked because I did have a gang of Tufts. You did side hustle of your drug dealing? Yeah, no, we also did a lot of task. Oh, that's what they were doing. They weren't doing crimes. They were installing somebody's TV. What a gig economy.

Yeah, no, we did. We had a man with a van poster. We hung up around. It's such a strange thing to enlist him to steal a TV that then you have to move. Right. Like, that's just more work for you as a drug dealer. Now you've got to beat up a drug user and make them into like your fence or whatever. They have to open up a pawn shop as your other side hustle.

I guess, yeah. Now you're going to return this to Target. Tell him you don't have a receipt, but you do have your circle number. How do you end up with extra money there? That's what... Fuck. Okay. So, but then as if Mack's relationship with Ashley isn't creepy enough, we get him

showing up outside her window, encouraging her to go out and take a walk with him. Now, we should be clear that, like, Mac is not, like, a little older than her, right? Mac is a grown-ass man. Mac is, like, a 40-year-old guy. And this character, like, the actor looks 12, the actor is 21, but the character's supposed to be like 16, right? Yeah, she's supposed to be in high school. Yes.

And again, Mack showed up like three days ago. Nobody knows this man. Right. He showed up and said, I would like to hang around your house for the foreseeable future. You can pay me in blow jobs. Right. Yeah.

And then he's just there. And so now he's comforting her because she's got the same. SADs. I also love that Mac has fully stolen the dog. The dog only hangs out with Mac. Yeah. Well, good because they were not treating the fucking dog. They were really neglecting that dog. Yeah, exactly. So, but the whole point of this scene, though, is they go walking around. Well, he tries to cure her sats. And when they come back to her house, Nikki is sitting on the stoop. And she's been all beat up. Apparently her dad is abusive. And she came running to Ashley, you know, after she escaped from him. Nikki, by the way, I know it's hard sometimes with all these names. She's the older, not supposed to be older, best friend with the... Yes, from the 1980s. With the safety pins, yeah.

Back up for Katrina and the waves, yeah. And so Mac, who has never met this teenage girl, again, she's supposed to be 16 in the movie, who he's never met before, he comes up and he puts her, his arm around her, right? And hugs her up close to him, this girl that's just been beat up by a guy about his age. And he's like, well, you know, let's get you. to the hospital. She doesn't want to go to the hospital. So he scolds her. He's like, don't be afraid. Stop it. Stop

being afraid. She's like, okay. Trust me. Fine. Go to the cops. That always helps. I'm going to take you to a house, but I'm not going to tell anyone else where it is for the rest of the movie. Okay, if you say so. He caresses her with an ice cube for a while and then convinces her

to go to an undisclosed location. Right. And then won't tell them later where it is. Yes. Won't tell her best friend where she's staying. Yeah. And let me spoil something for you. That will never pay off, right? It'll never be like, no, she's been staying with Jason

the whole time or, oh my gosh, it turns out that the place she was staying is sisters with so-and-so. She just is in an undisclosed location. It's very important the movie knows that we know that. Yeah. So fucking dumb. So, okay, then we get a couple of shots of like them preparing for the play. She like goes to the drama teacher that we met earlier. And she's

and can ask for advice on how to get costumes, but he's got no time for children who are interested in drama. He's the drama teacher, damn it. This is how sloppily written this movie is. There are two Christmas plays in this movie. She's helping out with one, the first scene of the movie.

She's kind of participating slash stopping in for a quick roast of the other. In this scene, in spite of the fact that we have heard and seen nothing of this other Christmas play for what, 60 minutes at this? point, 70 minutes of the movie, she now drops into that Christmas play like she has had any relationship with the characters from this Christmas play for the rest of the movie.

There's no reason for her to be here. She might as well stop onto the set of fucking fresh pinch of bell air and ask Uncle Phil for some tips on how to put on a Christmas play. There's no reason for her to talk to these characters. I love how much you hate this. The only thing that bothered me in this scene is that the drama teacher's name was Mr. black man. Oh, no.

Yeah, and he's not. Did you guys notice that? No, he's a black man. He wasn't black, by the way. He's very, very white. But this is their sloppy way of introducing nice guy with the van from earlier.

Jonathan, yeah. Yeah, Jonathan, the guy who, like, found her in the alley and drove her home. Oh, right. He's the set painter. She's there to ask Mr. Blackman if he has any fucking Christmas plate tips.

He does not. And by coincidence, this is when Jonathan quits as his scene painter and she, like, calls dibs on him? Yes. This is also, like, why does every Christian movie

have a plot where a high school girl is, like, whisked off her feet by an adult man? Right, yes, right. Because this character is supposed to be, like, in his 20s, graduated from high school,

whatever, has a job. Yeah, he works there. This is his job to paint sets. He's not a student. Yeah. Why don't they just, make him her age. There's no reason for that. Right. Well, there's a reason. Thin is a thin reason. Yeah, right. But they leave together. She doesn't remember because she was blackout

drunk when they met before. So he just offers her a ride. And he explains his unlikely career as a professional spray painter, I guess. Oh, and some of the trouble he had with the law. No, maybe that's later. Yeah, no, that's a little later. Yeah. It doesn't matter. Also, where's Nikki? Nobody knows where Nikki is. She's like, where's my best friend Nikki? And Max's like, Not telling. Yep. Because I murdered. Right.

Yes. I job. She's in several locations. The guy who moved into your garage two days ago, put her somewhere secret. It's all good. Yeah. We're moving past it. Right.

Didn't he blow your dad? Yep. Yep. So then we get a scene where Ashley and Sharon almost converse, but Sharon's too busy to be a stepmom for Ashley or whatever. Yeah, she's busy motivating people to go green. Yes, right. Yeah.

Yeah. Right, that's the job that she's too obsessed with is helping the environment. So woke. So, but then we do finally see in Nikki again, so we know that she's not dead. Ashley runs into her in school. And now she dresses in preppy clothes. So she's been saved by Christ as well. Truly, just two backpack scenes where it's like, look, a woman is more attractive now that

she found God a little bit. And that's it. That's all that's happening here. Yep. And Nikki's upset by this. Nikki does not like this. Well, yeah, so there's something, like, it's like the movie meant to write a conflict

between these two characters and didn't, right? Because then, like, because Ashley's like, oh, hey, you know, you look Christ like now. Maybe you want to come and help me with my Christmas play. And she's like, no, we're enemies for the next eight scenes. It's very strange. She's like, I don't want to talk to you. I want nothing to do with you.

And then later, she's like, I really miss you. Yeah. And she's like, and she's like, And she's like, you haven't been there for me. I've needed you. It's like, no, you literally just told her. You don't want to talk to her and you have nothing to do with her. Yeah.

I don't understand this movie. I think, again, it was four hours long before. I was one of the porny scenes they cut out. Oh, look, these two characters, these two actors definitely played it like Nikki and Ashley were supposed to be lovers at some point. That was the biggest will they won't they of the entire moon. Spurned.

Yeah. So, okay. So then we get a scene of Ashley trying to hit, dad up for some costume money and this is so fucking sloppy but ultimately they agree to do a garage sale to raise money for her Christmas play costumes.

Oh, okay. That makes more sense. Well, and they also establish something very important here. Which is that they need Eric Roberts to fucking rock at their Christmas concert. Yes, so Eric Roberts' conditions for doing this movie clearly

were, all right, all the young girls have to either touch me or flirt with me and I get to do a song because yes, this is where she's like, hey, do you think you and mom would get the band back together and close us out on a big rousing musical number and he's like, maybe?

He's like, which mom? You're dead mom? Or you're new mom? He doesn't really like you very much. Because I fucked him both. Oh, God. We were all in a thruple. But then she died in the most heinous way. We'll get there.

We'll get there. Oh, it's just fucking delicious. So then, but before we get there, we have to have Ashley and Jonathan out on their art date where they clearly they couldn't find anybody who could draw for shit because he's supposed to be drawing her on the sidewalk. And then we like back away and we're supposed to see this gorgeous picture that he's drawn. But it's just, it's practically a smiley face.

It's that beautiful level of like good at art for middle school. It's fucking fantastic. I learned how to draw eyes from a book on how to draw eyes. Yeah, I can tell, man. You should stop. Talent is natural. This is also... This is one of the two scenes in the movie

where you can tell that the writer, director, editor, DP was like, I'm going to get creative here. I'm going to do something kind of artsy. Right, yeah, the fountain. Later, there's like a mirror scene that's very artsy, But in this one, he's like, I'm going to, I'm going to shoot from across a fountain. I'm going to mic up that fountain real loud.

Real loud. I'm going to have my characters shout over the sound of this rushing fountain. You do some good sound mixing. Here's a shot they never let me use on the Pringle's commercials. All right. Well, it looks like we finally settled into a love interest at least, which means it's the end of Act 2. Okay, whatever. Let me give Act 3 the hard sell.

Will nothing happen until there's only. 15 minutes left in the movie? Will all the actions suddenly happen in a single contrived, inexplicable scene? Will the movie then continue for 14 long minutes while we wrap up the Christmas play plot thread? You're damn right it will. So stick around for the bafflingly

incongruous conclusion of So this is Christmas. Hi, I'm Tony D. From Tony D's House of Movie Drugs. Are you a troubled youth in a Christmas? Christian film, need to show that your wild behavior has gotten out of control, then come on down to Tony D's House of Movie Drugs, where we've got drugs, you know, drugs. We've got drugs that you snort, an indeterminate, unequal line of.

Delicious or something. Drugs that you inject into your arm, kind of. Pretty sure this one is heroin. Who knows? But that's not all. Here at Tony D's House of Drugs, our prices are set at money. So just hand your dealer a vaguely green piece of paper and let the drama commence. Is this enough?

Who knows? I'm not going to count it. Tony D's House of Movie Drugs. It's the perfect thing to be addicted to till you're not because you don't want to be anymore. I'm cured or something. And we're back for still more of the shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Ashley going to visit Angel about the costumes. Again, like who the fuck are these people right?

So Ashley, the main character, is going to visit her stepbrother's, girlfriend who is a seamstress because she needs costumes for her play, right? And again, like, so it's not the best version of it, but there will be this great moment at this point in the movie where she's like, come on, we're practically family. And it's like, actually, our characters haven't interacted at all. And she's like, movie's almost over, girl.

Let's just fucking get it done. You know what I'm saying? Right. She's like, well, you know, how much are you going to pay me for the 17 costumes that you need last minute? And she's like, can you do it for exposure? Blood is thicker than water. Yeah, right.

So, but they're like, okay, well, tell you what, I'm going to have a garage sale to pay for the sets that we need. You can have the money that's left over. And she's like, oh, that's a good price. Leftover, you say. Yeah. But she's like, all right, I'll do it. But you have to help me with all these alterations.

And Ashley's like, I don't know how to do that. She's like, I can teach you. And she's like, oh, I'm going to be one of those people that gets frustrated and starts, actively trying not to learn to justify not having to do anything the whole time, though. What is with you guys today? Everyone's just tacking.

Weaponized incompetence. It's not weaponized. Yeah. You're weaponized. You're a weaponized. So, okay, oh, and by way, there's just another one of those, like, why didn't Eric Roberts

step up as the drug consultant moments here where Jason is supposed to be doing some cocaine off of his, like the web of his thumb, right? Which is the thing that, that, you know, you do sometimes, sometimes if you do a lot of cocaine and shit, but he wastes so much. Go.

Oh, my God. First of all, he has a lick and dips worth of cocaine on the divot of his knuckle. Licking. And he fucking goes in eyeball first and smears a third of it down his forearm.

Oh, it's just, yeah. He's snorting his own palm at a minute there. Noah, do you know what that part of your hand is called? It's not the web, but just underneath it, the little dip in that part of your hand. No, what's that called?

Oh, is it a word for that? It's called the anatomical snuff. box. Wait, really? Yeah. That rules. Really? Yeah, look it up. Oh, fuck. Yeah, because there's a little ridge there where you can put some cocaine. Okay, all right. You can dump out the bottom of a Pringles can into it.

Yeah. I know Kara is at me, but I want her to be lying so bad. Next time, Noah's hanging out with somebody who's like, you know, it's called the Antigranton? And they Google it and he's like, fuck. God damn it. Like, I wouldn't Google it before I passed it on. Come on. Not that I don't trust you, Kara. I just don't trust any damn body. Okay. He works with me. He has for a decade. I'm wounded right now.

Thank you. You're wounded that I would Google what you say before I passed it on to other people. Promise you won't Google it. You're just going to repeat the next four things she says. And one of them has to be a lot. Google it right now. No,

just Google it. I'm going to Google it. Believe women. Believe women, though. Thank you. You have multiple tabs. You can do two things at once. I have a podcast that I'd like to get to.

So, okay. So. I do want to point out though it was apparently pretty good coke because he threw up right afterwards he puked right after he snore in it. He had it hidden in the toilet paper roll in the bathroom at school.

Seems like a terrible hiding place. What if somebody uses all the toilet paper man and throws it away, dumb hands? And it's the best day for that janitor ever. Best post shit of all time. You hide your cocaine in the toilet paper roll and then you see me walking into the bathroom.

Hey, hey, hey, sorry, sorry, one second. So, okay. When's the last time you ate Mexican food? You have to tell the truth. So then we cut to the garage sale, which is a yard sale, by the way. They're selling the stuff that was in the garage, I guess. But, yeah. And it is fucking hopping.

There are 1,300 people, like a Black Friday event at Times Square or some shit at their yard sale. Yeah. Right? Mm-hmm. We montage that up for, little bit and eventually Nikki shows up and she's like hey Ashley I brought a peace offering and

we're like a peace offering for what? We didn't know you guys were fighting. Do you remember earlier in the movie when you invited me to something and I said I wasn't in the mood? Apparently that was a conflict and we've resolved. Oh, is that what the conflict was? Yeah. But what she's brought her is alcohol and Ashley's a good

girl now. It doesn't drink the alcohol anymore. Yeah. Right. So Nikki Storms off. This This is also, by the way, this is the first time that we see all of the characters wearing the t-shirts for this movie. Oh, no. The movie opens with them wearing this T-shirts. No, that's true.

Right, right, yeah. But you assume that's going to be like the name of their play or something? Nope. It's just the cast shirt for So This is Christmas. No, it's just laundry day for a bunch of them during shooting that day. I expected them to turn around with like, and Eric Roberts is on the back being like, I said, I won't touch her again. This is also the first time I

wrote in my nose. Wait, I just remembered this is a Christmas movie. Right, yeah, exactly. There's nothing else. Yes, they are practicing for Christmas play. Oh, so this is Christmas. There are no Christmas trees.

There are no lights. There is nothing to inform the view. It's like warm and sunny outside. They're all wearing short sleeve shirts throughout the movie. Right, well, and also, like, we should point out that, yes, there is a Christmas

play that they're doing, but like, it could be any play. The fact that it's a Christmas play doesn't change the movie in any way either. Yeah. But this scene is where we introduce the fact that Nikki knows painter boyfriend. Yes, yeah. She looks over at him and there's a knowing moment between them. This is what the movie will be about for the next six or so minutes. Yes, right.

So, but before it can be about that, Angel, who you'll recall is pregnant with Jason's baby, feints because of the pregnancy. Yeah. She faints and Mac immediately is like you're pregnant. You are pregnant. Wait, wait. I'm sorry. I don't want to know Andrew but before he does that he has to pick her up and move her to the shade but like

he's not a very like he's not a very strong guy and she's a full grown person and so he has to like fold her in half and like scoge her up by knee and her in the butt. He's doing that thing that you teach they teach like children so that you can get an adult out of a building where you roll them on top of your back.

And then army crawl out of the room. Didn't a Christian guy invent a thing you can slide them with for like fires? Like, oh, fuck. Okay, but this is also the funniest moment of the movie. Okay? Because here's what happens. And podcast listener, I'm not exaggerating for comedic effect in any way, shape, or form. It's like, you're pregnant, I know.

But Jason just doesn't understand. It's true. But someday he will. He'll do the right thing. Hey, can I buy these? Yes. I really want this toaster. The last line of the scene is as is, though.

It's as is. Sorry, your pregnancy? What are you doing? Then we just all watched this pregnant girl pass out in this sun and everything. And this guy with his fucking toaster, couldn't wait eight goddamn seconds. Yeah. But I don't want to give them credit for that because that was an actually funny thing. Oh, it was 100% not on purpose.

Yeah. What I didn't like here, so we've got to remember, too. I feel like it's worse than you guys described it. Mack brings a healthy, like 17-year-old who's maybe six weeks pregnant, maybe, eight weeks pregnant, in no way would be affected by like standing on her feet

at a partially shaded garage sale. He drags her into the shade and says she shouldn't be doing this in her condition. He uses those words. Her condition is pregnancy? Her affliction. Yes.

Exactly. I'd as well put some newspaper underneath her before he sets her down. I mean, Jesus Christ. Uterocitis. The hysteria. But, of course, he is a angel so he can see the baby growing inside her, you see. Of course, yeah. He knows, yeah.

But okay, so then we have this bizarre moment where we haven't made Vivica Fox's character unlikable enough. So she calls Eric Roberts upstairs to tell her that, or to tell them rather that having a garage sale outside makes them look poor. And she wants all these people away from her fucking house. Yeah, she's like, we might as well work at Walmart. And Jesus Christ. What will the neighbors think?

He actually has a weird but kind of good answer. Possibly, this might be Eric Roberts's actual garage sale in real life, right? Okay. Like, now that I'm thinking about it. And he's like, oh, babe, I thought you'd be happy about it. we're selling all my dead wife's stuff and like that's good right you you always complain about it and that's the description of like why it's cool and Sharon is now okay with it she's like yeah all right yeah all right yeah she's also like also all my jewelry and money and stuff keeps getting stolen

probably your crack baby daughter is selling it in the garage sale and he's like no no could be your drug addicted son yes right right look honey it's one of our kids and I think we can agree that it's not me, Eric Roberts holding a real garage sale right now. Every raise your hand whose kid is white. So, oh God. I'm doing it. Hands down, Julia. I saw that movie.

Fucking We're like the dark side. I'm right. Connor. I don't even know what you're referencing right now, but I feel like not even the right actor. He thinks the sister of Sandra Bullock was in the bright side. Yep. Right side of the dark side.

That's wrong actress altogether. Eric Roberts doesn't know. I know. Eric Roberts doesn't know. He doesn't know who is. Read my obsidian board. So, okay. So, but the other thing that we get in this scene is that Ashley wants Jonathan to take her out for pizza tonight, but he's too busy.

He's got to do something, but he can't tell her what it is. Oh, right. So now she's like, yeah, she's like suspicious. Also, I love that he's like, I got to go do something. I'm not going to tell you that it's a thing that you're going to worry about the whole movie when I could just tell you what it is, but I'm not going to. Instead, I'm going to hand these keys over to you and go, I got to do a thing, got to break our date.

Why don't you just drop all this shit off at Goodwill? Yeah. And I'm like, that's like an all-day job. He just left her. I try not to get too personal on the air, but I'd like to say that if you're an ex-partner of mine and I ever did this to you, it's important you know I was having diarrhea.

That's what I meant every time I did it to you. Jennifer in Seattle, specifically. I'm not going to list them all, knows that we have to keep the podcast under three hours, but. But Ashley decides that she's going to, she's going to tail Jonathan and see where he's going, right? And where he's going is to meet Nikki, her best friend at the diner.

We are an hour and 16 minutes into the movie, and we have just introduced the first real conflict of the main character has, I guess. But they've been fighting already for some reason. Right, right, yeah. And it's that great where a movie has to do the missing. understanding trope, but it's so sloppily written that the characters alone in the scene who know they're not fucking, spoiler alert, they're not fucking, are talking so vaguely that you would

infer they were fucking even though they're not fucking. Right. And all of the stuff that they're referencing, which will give the big reveal to, I guess, who gives a shit, happened three years ago. Right. None of this matters. They talk about it like they were very young later when we give the reveal, but it was only three years ago. Here, they're talking about it. like three years ago they had a crazy day and they ended up hooking up. That's not what happened. And they're both like, I can't believe you remember

that. Yeah. I'm like, what? Also, they're 40 and 30s. So they were like 37 and 27 when this all happened apparently. But yeah, the movie just like wrote the conflict away because Ashley kind of got Christiany and then they were like, fuck, we have to write with the conflict back in because we're not done with the movie.

So at this point, Nikki is going to write your address down. She's like, I'll tell you where I'm staying, but it's a big secret. And she goes to pass it along to him. He goes to pick it up. And at this point, their hands touch, which is when Ashley comes in and aggressively squirts ketchup all over.

This was the most insane moment of the movie. Was it? You'd have to be, like, waiting for that and banking on the hands going together. She has to be inches above their hands. And just waiting, right poised on a rope, like Mission Impossible. Yeah, I wanted to pan up, and she's just

furiously shaking the bottle. One second. I'm going I got to hit the number. You know, if you put a knife in there, I know how to do it. I know how to do it. I know the trick. It's where they switch to squeeze bottle. She hits it.

It pops up into her eye. Fuck. Oh, God damn it. So, but yeah, so she aggressively squirts ketchup out of them. Mack, stop carrying me in a cradle. They shoot this as though it's like a horror movie shot for some fucking reason. Well, they also do that with the music a lot in this film.

Yeah. There's scenes where they play horror music in the background. Yeah. There's also scenes where they play like the synth from Dugie Houser learning a lesson, though. So it's like really all over the place with the tone of the music. Yes, yes. I would say that is a good summary of the entire. It's really all over the place.

Yeah, whatever they could get for free. So he's like, no, I can explain. She's like, well, it would ruin the conflict if you did. And Storms off, right? You're not supposed to marry these. So, but she goes to see, Mac, he's not in the garage. She considers drinking some vodka. like she used to when she was bad, but she doesn't.

So she goes up to her room, but damn it if Sharon isn't in a room, reading her mom's journal from earlier. And crying profusely, like really crying hard. Yeah, exactly. And so they have a moment where she like whines about her son not liking her enough. And Ashley tries to take the journal and she runs off with it. Oh, there's so much disgusting stuff here. So she's reading the journal and she goes,

your mother loved me and your father. What? Thruple. And then she goes, Ashley, you're a lot like your mother. You're both so pretty. End of list. You also look identical.

Except for the hair color. There's really no difference. Nope. Just the pretty thing. Heart and soul of the movie. Check out my obsidian board. And the movie becomes self-aware at this point because Ashley basically turns to the camera

and goes, what is going on? Same girl. Yep, I get it. I'm so lost. So then we get, so Ashley goes over to Angel's house now, right? And this is where they like shoehorn in some God talk. There's been very little Christianity in this movie, right? But Angels like, yeah, you know, I taught to God

and he forgave me for fucking your stepbrother. He's pretty, he's cool like that. Oh, she's also wearing a giant, like, vampire level crucifix. Like, did you guys know this? out of it? She hasn't worn one the whole movie and now she's wearing a wooden crucifix that's four inches long around her neck. And it seems to be getting bigger for the rest of the movie, right?

It will swell. Like it's a totem like it's somehow getting more power as the movie gets more Christian. But Ashley is really jealous of the way Angel talks to God like he's just some dude, right? They talk about Jason's drug problem a little bit. They talk about

her pregnancy and they're like, well, fuck, that is all of the personality anyone in this movie has. But luckily, just then, there's a knock on the door. It's drug dealer Dave. I did a house call to boot you up some more. In the four-hour version of this movie, maybe this makes sense, right? But we have to retroactively figure out that, like, apparently Jason still owed him more money and he's now threatening Jason's girlfriend as a way of getting the money.

honestly, I still don't know that that's what we're going. We're talking about like $75. Yes, that's the same. It's like 160 bucks. And it's also very funny because he very clearly, the drug dealer very clearly thinks he can damage

the fashion implements around the room as his threats, right? Like the first thing he does is he takes a big pair of scissors and he stabs it into her dress model and he's like, so, oh, not that? Okay, I guess I'll just rape or something.

Yeah, right. Yeah. Because dress form is expensive Like a real one This is a nice one It's probably pretty expensive Yeah he stabs the mannequin I might leave the scissors in there

It kind of looks cool It's like an artless now This whole scene gets very artsy Right doesn't it though Yeah This is the artsiest scene in the movie Yeah this is oh this is what we've all been building Towards right so so he goes to like

Buckle the fuck in everybody Here we go Yeah So he goes to like a salt angel But just then Jason comes and he kicks the door down which it's very convenient that the drug dealer was there. Otherwise, that would have been a weird thing to do.

And they're like, we want the money, damn it. The big guy jumps all over him and starts searching him. He does a terrible job. He doesn't pat his pockets at all. He's just like looking in his ears. Yeah, right. There's nothing behind his ears. So, yeah, but the punch of sound effects are fucking hilarious when he keeps hitting them or whatever.

Oh, and the choreography, they did a two-hour seminar for this. And drug dealer goes to grab girlfriend, but it was very clear that the actor was not comfortable with any, like, inappropriate touching. So he basically, like, hugs her around the waist and is like, you're all going to assault her. Yeah. I'm a Nazi rapist. Yeah. I start with a kiss, though. I go in for the kiss first. She's holding him on her hip, like a new mother. Better get him the money, Jason. Get him in the mental. Oh, he's shy.

He's shy. You want to say hi? She's burping him. You want to say hi to Jason? Tell Jason you're going to rape me. It's okay. He wants to tell you that he's going to rape me. Oh, he spit up a little bit.

Wipe it. I don't know why he gets like this. He's so excited to tell everyone he's going to rape. Somebody needs a nap. No, no. That's a nap. Yes, you do. You're all interrupting me.

Are you shitting right now? So, okay, so Ashley decides she's going to fight back. There's a dude with the Mohawk who we haven't met till now. No, he's just smoking, smoking away on his crack pipe. Right, he's got the crack pipe. As though there's like a crack pipe relay that happens, they're like, well, fuck, where's Dave? We need a crackhead guy.

Hey, Mohawk, can you be our crackhead guy for this? It's just amazing because it's like you've got the drug dealer who's like supposed to be kind of rapy. and then you've got like the muscle who's like supposed to be really strong in agro and then you have this guy just smoking a crack pipe like he's somewhere else. Right.

Like nothing that's actually happening. Yeah, crack Steve is fun. He's just like, God, I don't understand anything we're doing here, but does anybody want some of this crack? Because it's good. It's like you guys need to keep it down over there. Crack is not a super social drug. No, you don't go to hang out.

You're like, I'm going to finish this crack. But then, yeah, whatever we're doing, I'm down to hang. Yeah, so, but Aslo tries to hit him with like a candle stick or something, he grabs her, pulls out his gun, right? It's a big, like, like a six-shooter. Yeah, exactly. It's a weird gun. Yeah, it's got like a rotating barrel, yeah.

But then, like, but then, like, so there's this moment where he's looking in the mirror and Angel tries to tug at his arm or something. Like, I don't know what the fuck they were going for here. No, this is the artsy moment. 100% yeah. Yeah, he's looking, he's holding up the gun to the mirror. So he's basically shooting himself. Right.

Because he's gone crazy. Oh, because of the crack. I think he's gone crazy with the crack. And so he just starts firing everywhere when he gets confused by the mirror like a dog trying to fight itself. To be fair, if I was enjoying some crack, if I'm just having a good time and I'm enjoying some crack and this is going on around me, I might just start. start randomly firing a gun.

Sure, no, that's fair. At yourself in the mirror? Anything. I was so afraid down. I was so tempted to fire a gun at myself at this point in the movie. I had a friend cough once when I was smoking drugs, and it was truly the worst thing that ever happened to me. So, okay.

I forgot that noise happens sometimes. So, but yeah, so he goes crazy. He starts shooting everybody. He shoots both Jason and Angel, right? Which catches us up more or less with the beginning of the movie. Shoots are right in the baby. which are right in the fucking baby. Kids are right in the baby.

We all wrote that. Yes. I wanted to, she like lifts her hand up and reveals a bullet wound. I wanted a little fetus hand to be sticking out. Gripping the bullet.

With the bullet. With a Bible. Jesus. We're all holding hands right now. Just so everybody at home knows, we're all holding hands so tight. She was shot right in the baby. She lured prayers quick, right?

And now- Oh, yeah, she gets into it. So then Jonathan shows up, no idea. We don't even know that he knows Angel. That's never happened. Yeah. Secret boyfriend was lurking behind the couch the whole time. He shows up like he's in the fucking stealth mission, right? Well, yeah, because he shows up not to the door, but to the interior corner of the room.

Yes. That's the first time we see him. Yeah. And he like pops up from below behind the couch. He grabs the scissors that are in the mannequin and he stabs drug dealer dude through the hand so hard that he passes out, right, knocks his unconscious with the scissors through the hand. And then the big guy, he's like, hey, we have a gun, man. Why would that be enough, right?

But he gets distracted by a squirrel or something. So Jonathan wrestles the gun out of his hand. Oh, there's also, like, did we talk about this? There's a part where they're like, give us the money. And he's like, what money? And they're looking for the money. and then they find money under the doormat? The garage sale bag of money.

Well, yeah, they find the garage sale money, but also... Oh, they find her money first. Right. Yeah, they find the garage sale money first, and they go, money, and then they find his money, and they go, money. And he's like, that was for the abortion. Right, yeah. Well, actually, actually, it was for the baby, he says. Oh, I was going to say, because he changed his mind about the abortion.

Okay, well, now there's more. budget for other stuff. Exactly. If it was for the abortion, like no mom, no, it's actually okay for you to take it now.

Gave you a freebie. Yeah. This is an accounting positive right now. But that catches us back up with the interrogation from the very beginning, right?

Now, you might be thinking that means the movie's over, but no, there's like fucking 20 goddamn stupid minutes left of this stupid fucking thing. I had completely

forgotten about the interrogation. So that was a hard cut for me. I love this part so much because, she gets done with the interrogation, she turns to the cop. She's like, hey, you know, I know they confiscated it and impounded it or whatever, but can we get our garage sale money back?

And the cop's like, is that really where your, your stepbrother is shot and dying? I know. I wrote, honey, all your friends are dead. It was like $82 in singles. What are you going to do with it? Tragic, tragic loss. It's just that the shepherds don't have their crooks yet. and Halloween adventure

doesn't keep a lot in stock. So Jonathan shows up to pick her up from the hospital slash explain how he possibly could have been behind the couch in that scene, right? Then we cut to the waiting room where the doctor is given

Eric Roberts and Vivica Fox the update on Jason. Right? Where she says that his gunshots were superficial. Okay. I do have to point out that Eric Roberts, I did not

pay attention to any of the words said in this scene because Eric Roberts is tilting drunk which means he spends this entire scene going and then like hitting into Vivica and be like, oh, I'm good. And then he tilts the other and he's like, and he's like, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good.

Why are you sleeping? Yeah, but she explains that the big problem now is that he's on so many drugs, the drugs are messing with him. she also says like well he's probably going to go to jail but like he just got shot right

like is what he did I don't think they put you in jail for that even if you were on drugs at the time well he did like five or six drugs throughout the movie earlier and that's a lot of drugs it counts all right up yeah but Eric has to monologue

to Vivica Fox about how her son will be okay or whatever and then we get Kara's best worst You guys I mean it happens really fast So you gotta like You don't quite know it's happening

Until it's happening Right yeah you don't have time to appreciate it Until it's over yes exactly So let me ease you into it So they give She gives him a big hug And as she moves away Her bracelet or something

is stuck on his sweater And she fucking loses And she goes oh my God my son Stuck in your sweater And then we flashed back And we find out that that's how Ashley's mom died. Her bracelet got stuck on her sweater while she was driving.

Well, while they were both blackout drunk, it looked like. Well, so I think the character, I think it was supposed to be is that Ashley's mom was not drunk and Vivica Fox's character was, right? Because she's like, well, I couldn't let you drive in your condition or whatever, right? She was looking. Okay, but she's 100% sober right now and getting her barbed wire bracelet stuck to shit in like present times, too. Yeah, it's not a drunk thing. She used to deal with that.

Also, you have to remember that Ashley's dead mom is played by the actress that plays Ashley. Right. So you've got a 12-year-old looking woman and then Vivica Fox really trying to play young version. They do not meet in the middle. Vivica Fox looks incredibly young. Vivica Fox is in her 60s and she looks like 35 in this fucking movie. Oh, well, I thought she was in her 40s. Yeah.

Well, I guess she was in her 50s when they made this movie. But still, like, it looks like a. fucking 35-year-old and a 12-year-old in the car together, which is so bizarre. So this is what happens. She's drunk. Ashley's mom is driving. She gets her manicure, her bracelet stuck in her sweater, and I guess it yanks the wheel and makes her crash the car.

She dies. She killed this woman. Yes. She fully killed her and has no guilt until this moment in the film. Well, and then married her husband and raised her child. It's so fucked up. Absolutely. Yes.

But yeah, so we back away from that and Eric Roberts forgives her for it. But can she forgive herself or will we never mention this again? And this is the end of that plot point. So we were all laughing really hard though at this point. I was like causing. 100%. If you get your bracelet stuck on somebody's shirt, the only thing that would be terrible would be to physically go buck wild like

Hasmanian devil inside of the car you're mad. Anything else would be fine. Yeah, my dog does that when his like

nail gets stuck in the couch. Right, yeah. Right. He like pan it and starts howling. Like a dog with a bag on its

head for a second. Yeah. So, yeah. So meanwhile, we see it, we see that Mack is packing up

his stuff so he can go Mary Poppin some other family somewhere. But see, look, I wrote Mac is leaving.

Didn't he already leave? This movie is confusing. So, but then, but then, he goes to the hospital, right? Because he's got to give some wisdom to Jason,

who he has not met. Yes, this is one of the funniest moments in the movie. He sits down and goes into the monologue, right? He's like, here's the thing you need to know about life. And Jason's like, sorry, just going to stop you real quick. I have no idea who you are, our characters and men. Okay, but it's even dumber than that because we haven't mentioned, we haven't even mentioned this in the movie,

but Jason's character loves to do woodworking, right? And we established earlier in the movie he had some like toys that he'd made, some wooden toys that he'd made. Oh, woodworking. Do you mean like carpentry? Yeah, carpentry. Just like the Lord, our Lord of Nazareth or whatever.

But at any rate, so we established earlier that he had been working on a rocking chair but he hadn't finished it. Yeah, because he was doing the drugs. Right, because he was out drugs, right. Yeah, exactly. So now Max shows up at the hospital with the rocking chair.

Yep. He carried a rocking chair. through the hospital, into the elevator, down the halls. Well, first of all, he found the wood shop that this kid was at school. Like, that's weird. And then finished the rocking chair for him. Right. Hey, what was he working on?

What was the kid, Jason, this kid. So, but also, like, the movie is so, like, they could have made it something less ridiculously big, right? It didn't have to be a rocking chair. It could have just been another toy that he was working on or something like that. Or it could have been nothing. this scene could not be. I love the scenes that everybody gets hung up on.

Like the weird details. It's like a roar shock test for everybody on the show's personality. The logistics of this rocking chair carry is insane. I agree. Thank you. That's your whole day. Like insane things are happening. Well, it's much more insane that he's the one who breaks the news to Jason that his baby is dead.

Yes. He tells Jason at this point that Angela has lost. the baby. I thought he was going to break into Alanis Morissette, you know, like, it's like raid, you know,

when you steal from your drug dealer to pay for your new baby, but then she gets shot by the same drug dealer right in the baby. Like, amazing. I'm going to go bring your car

in from the parking lot. I think this will really help illustrate my point. Your life is like a Mazda right now. God damn it, it won't fit through the door. But he leaves, he says,

He says, you could do great things. After all, the greatest man in the universe was a simple carpenter. Of course. Did Jesus do a lot of carpentry? He did at some point, yes. He was his job. He must have done a little, but I think his focus was the Jesus thing. Yeah, probably on the healing.

Yeah, most of it was on the healing. There's not a lot in the Bible. Maybe I'm not super fresh on it, but there's not a lot in the Bible that was like, and then he expanded to a second location. It feels like his priorities were always. So up until this moment, the movie has, has been minimally Christy. Like, we started to get nibbles of Christiness, right?

Now it takes this, like, hard turn into full bat-shit territory. Oh, yeah. And I'm expecting, I'm literally half expecting that Angel, the girlfriend, dies and the baby survives, and that that, they think that that's, like, a moral, like, good outcome. Oh, God, yeah, right? I thought it was that kind of Christy movie. Luckily, it, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, wouldn't have been surprised. Also, just a question. So, this Angel Mac, or just regular person. Mac, it's not clear. Either way is the idea that, like, he's using the carpentry thing to make his point about Jesus Christ to help out Jason.

If Jason or whoever was into like paper machet or anything else that's not carpentry, does, like, Mac have trouble selling this message? Yeah, right. I was like, oh, dude, what does he do? Do you want to do? You know, the most humble man in the world made cake shaped like Moana.

Right. Exactly. Thank you. So, made ASMR. videos while he cuts soap. I hate you. So, okay. Here's some drugs. So now we're down at the shelter. We're getting ready for the play.

Nikki is here to volunteer and explain the misunderstanding between her and Jonathan at the diner and completely diffused that plot point. Cool. Can you explain it to me? Because I have no fucking idea what this meant. Yeah. So Nikki wanders off. And then Jonathan tells her this, Ashley, this story of the two of them, both of their

dads were alcoholics and they wound up in the same bar fight when they were kids or something like the age shit. No, three years ago. Three years ago. Yeah, right. None of it makes any fucking sense, right? Yeah, yeah. He says basically they got in a bar fight.

The cops gave them the option to go back to their dads or to go to foster care, which because that's how that works. And he chose to go to foster care. Hence, he's like a good upstanding citizen. She chose to go back to her dad. That's why she's all fucked up because he kept beating her. And they, their alcoholic dads got in a fight at the same time. And the two of them, the kids, kindled a romance three years ago?

No, there was no romance. That's the thing is there's not even a romance here. They were just in this bar that when they were like, that was a crazy day. They're talking about the day that they lost their dads. But then she went back to her dad. Also, they do some heavy virtue signaling here. They're like, and since that, you know, I went to foster care and lived a good life, she went back to her dad and they've been on welfare.

Yes, yes. Cool. On Walmart. Yeah. Which is corporate welfare. Different, different person. But it's also, it's weird how little Ashley knows about her best friend's backstory. Yes.

Right? Well, yeah, when her best friend got the shit beat out of her, it went into hiding at a place that she didn't know where she was. And then she saw her again for the first time. Her best friend was like, I don't really want to talk about it. Yeah. And it also makes their scene in the. diner make less sense because if my dad and another kid's dad got in a fight at a bar

sometime and then we had both kind of had to decide whether or not we wanted to stay with our dads as a result of that bar fight the next time i saw that kid i wouldn't hold their hands across the table and say look at how far we can come and be like ah yeah i remember your dad hit mine with a chair so okay so now mac is helping jason over to angels hospital room. She's still unconscious and Mac leaves, so we have the moment where like he's going to give the weepy apology to Jesus. But he's not really crying. No, no.

He's got perfectly dry eyes and he's just going, I almost went with Best Worst Breathing Tube here, by the way. Oh, it's so good. There's so much tape. So much tape on this girl's mouth into this tube. It's got real H.G. Geiger vibes going. It looks like a lot of the outside of my current car. Yeah.

No, it feels for sure. It's got real human sent to be vines. Like my current car? Rorschach test. But he cries about Jesus a whole bunch. This is where he goes like, man, Jesus must have been tough as shit. That's his actual line. Because Jesus could handle all of the stuff that he can't handle.

Oh, he's also like, Jesus went to hell for me. And I was like, when did that happen? He did go to hell, but no, that was for the people that were in hell. Like, he died for you, and then he went to hell for the people that were there, and then he came back. Anyway, yeah, you didn't know your own fucking lord. Flipped him all off. But he dies and goes to heaven for everybody. That's nothing.

That's what I thought, too. He would want to do that. No, he goes down to visit hell, and he's like, hey, hey, Jews, what's going on? Yeah. So. Right. Yikes. I'm the only one who made it, huh?

Yeah. So, and look, I'm an atheist. I shouldn't be like, I can't criticize anybody else's praying technique. I'm pretty sure there are supposed to be fewer F-bombs than he's got in his prayers. There's no way God wants to use fucking as like a filler word during here. The boyfriend looked this up on IMDB at like some of the comments. And one of them was like, you should not show this movie to your children if they are under the age of 16. Unless you want them to see a lot of talk about sex, drugs, and all of them.

the curse. All of that. Amazing. You should look at the Dove Family Review of this movie. It's pretty harsh. Spreadsheet. So, okay. So now there's the fucking play, right? Okay. Oh, wait. Doesn't he pray for Angelina? Did that, like, for Jesus to miracle her? Yes. Uh-huh. Yeah. And then he nuzzles her face for like a minute straight. Long time. Yeah. Long uncomfortable time. It's a lot of nuzzling. Does she come back to life? Eventually, yeah.

Well, we don't know that yet. Not in this scene. No, no, but she does, yeah. Okay. So when he gives the prayer, I was like, okay, the fetus comes back to life. And then he's like, hey, Jesus, check it back in. I was praying for Angelina. Elbow drop.

I was trying to pray around the fetus. Do you loop around the fetus to chokes it out like John Cena? Oh, God. Eli, your notes here are so good. Like, you wrote all these notes like we always do. And the last one just says theirs, T-H-E-I-R-S, a weird. There's a weird. There's a weird.

I was like, yep, that just sums up the whole movie. There's a weird. So, okay, but now it's time for us to watch the fucking play. This is so hilariously low stakes. People are shot and dying and the baby didn't make. And it's like, hey, guys, time for a play about God, raping a virgin 14 year old. And it's the whole play.

We watch the whole damn thing. We watch the whole Christmas play. And it's one of those. shitty Christmas plays where they've, like, incorporated a bunch of pop culture into it. Have they? Yeah. At one point, there was a kid carrying an N.S. Advantage joystick controller, which I don't have a night collection.

That's actually pretty fucking cool. And then King Herod's doing like a mafia voice. Yeah, that's right. And the kid has a Nerf gun at one point for no reason. They did dress the dog up like like a reindeer or something, which was pretty sweet. Reindeer. So I'm wondering if what this, what this is is that these people who wrote, directed, edited, and produced this film. Oh, and filmed it.

Already had this play. This was like their children's play. Oh, interesting. They filmed it. Right. And then they were like, we need to write a movie. This could be a movie. Around this play.

Hey, Eric Roberts stumbled into our lives the other day. Do you think we could just film? Eric Roberts has been living in our garage chasing Vivica Fox around sort of Pepe LeBue style. Oh, God. put all of this together. So, okay. So, but then, of course, the play ends with Eric Roberts and Vivica Fox singing a duet to us.

Oh, but you miss so many important parts. In the middle of the play, Jason comes in in a wheelchair, no, and wheels in his not-dead girlfriend, even though the baby is dead. Yeah, but it's okay. But they're smiling. This is like a day later. They don't want to miss the play. Yeah, they might as well, like, thumbs up and hold up a sign that's like not dead or whatever.

Also, the cop brought money. The baby's head just sticking out like Coato. The cop, remember the cop from the interrogation? She brought money for the pores because crime isn't real in Christian land. She's like, here, I found some drug money. Give this to the poor children. I solved a thing that nobody was wondering about. It's the fucking weirdest edition.

But yeah, the song between Eric Roberts and her is so good because Vivica Fox, of course, can really sing, and Erica Roberts can barely sit at the piano. They wrote a fuck jazz Christian song, right? And they do the whole thing. They did not write this song.

They didn't write this song. They just turned it into a little bit fuckier than it normally is, yeah. Because they've done like a jazz standard B-Bob version of Mary, do you know? Yeah. Right? And it's fucking amazing because she's singing her heart out, and Eric Roberts is like, scoombo-de-de-de-de-da-da-ha.

That's right, me and Vivica Fox. I love the idea that like everybody gathered around for this children's play then has to watch this, like these two do a duet. And like maybe we make it about the kids, guys. It's really long. The kids are just standing on stage doing nothing for this whole song, presumably. There is one child who looks to be about four years old walking through the audience with a fire, lighting all of the audience's candles.

Guys, Eric Roberts said he'll kill himself if we don't all light candles and hold them up while he sings. He is going to do a second song. Tell him it's in the movie. If he asks, tell him it was in the movie. He'll never remember. Yeah.

And then so while this song is going on, Ashley grabs Jonathan, they wander outside. She's just the director. The movie doesn't need her. And she gives him a kiss and she says, so this is Christmas. The movie. I was like, is it?

Is it though? Is it? Is it? Because that was the end of the movie. That's it. It ended. But that's when you find out that it was written, directed, produced, D.P. Production design and edited by Richard Foster and sometimes Deborah Foster. Yes, yeah, right. So now that we know... I helped. So now that we know what a passion project without the passion looks like, I suppose we're done for the week, Kara. Thank you so much for hanging out. And Merry Christmas, which is next week as we record this, but last week as people listen to it.

And, well, that does it for our review of this movie and for the extended Christmas tacular. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to do this shit again next year. So Eli, tell us what's on deck? Well, Noah, as you know, our patrons hit a very special goal during our Matrion fundraiser this year to give our very own Heathen right, his very own tacular. Yes, we will begin our secular tacular, if you will, and we'll be kicking it off next week with the Razzie for worst picture winner of 2021 Diana the musical.

Oh, finally. All right. It's about time. We expose the conspiracy. Oh, you're going to be disappointed. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 537 to a merciful close.

Once again, a huge thanks to Kara for all her help today. Be sure to check the show notes for a link to more of her stuff and an equally huge thanks to all the Patreon dollars to help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation of patreon.com slash God awful and thereby earning access to

an ad-free version of every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. If you enjoyed this show, be sure check out our sibling shows, the scathing a, the citation-neated D&D, madness, and the skeptocrat, available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email god-offelmobile. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media, our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slatig of a dress on Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Heath-Enright and Eli Bosnich,

I'm no illusions, promising to work hard to earn another check next week. Until then, we'll leave you American graffiti close. Eric Roberts went on to be filmed and technically star in the upcoming horror movie, Holy Father. It's coming out next year. The poster says Oscar nominated

Eric Roberts in and as Holy Father. And he's going to be a priest with some exorcisms, I think. Okay, okay. Pete, are you ready for this? I'm very excited. Eric Roberts went on to make 34 more movies in 2013.

In one of them, he's the voice of a talking cat. The movie is called a talking cat, exclamation point, question mark, exclamation point. Everything I just said is true. Amazing. All right. Well, we found the second sectacular movie. It might be a talking cat with Eric Roberts. Sexy saxophone player sat there all day for nothing, I say.

Nothing at all. One, two, three, three, four. Four, four, five. And we're back for still more of the shit. We're going to rejoin the action with, yeah. Oh, what? I forgot to say four and five. Oh.

Jesus. Both? Yeah. What did you think was happening? Usually someone catches me. And I get to say yes. Yeah, right, right. No, I just, I missed it this time.

All right, here we go. Oh, you just had to like panic, tell the truth. for the first time because I realized it was like I was sitting here sweating being like it's okay

Morgan probably sick it up I'll probably be fine I have to do it I did it again once again I forgot the start of our jobs all the time six days a week

okay buddy you started the Zencaster Thank you Kara ally for a woman of color Once again with the five counts. They won't let me sell CBD bullshit, Kara. Oh, well, because it's bullshit.

But the money, Karen. Charlotte's Webb wants to give us so much money. They're just waiting right there with their fake. So effective altruism, technically, if you think about it, we should take it. Just like Sam Bank and Fried. All his philosophies are good. Morgan loves you guys.

It's a fun job. Yeah. This content is canned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4-255 or on their website at creator-accountabilitynetwork.org. The preceding podcast was a production

of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2025. All rights reserved.