God Awful Movies - 540: Fateful Findings

Episode Date: January 20, 2026

This week, Katie and Allen from Werewolf Ambulance join us for a return to the masterful ramblings of Neil Breen.To see us live in San Francisco, click here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-san-francisco-california-tickets-1976632374642If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawfulCheck out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus.Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/awful and get on your way to being your best self.Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

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Okay, so now they're going to eat at their barbecue, but all the actors fucking panic and forget what eating would be, what human eating is. I take corn off your place. I pass back to you, same corn, same corn for you now. Amy takes a bite of the chicken but just keeps it between her front teeth and the lips. It's so upsetting. You can see the bite has been taken out of it, but it doesn't go anywhere. It's like it snooze and she just shoved it down to the tree. Oh, I'm going to save her that.

God-awful movie. Welcome back to God-awful movies. We watch another terrible movie so you don't have to. I'm your host Tith Henwright, and I'm joined by the GLP1 baddie, Eli Bosnick. Eli, how's it going? 175 pounds down and counting he. Okay, sounds healthy. And we also have veteran guest masochists back by such popular demand as always.

Katie and Allen of the Werewolf Ambulance podcast. Katie Allen, welcome back. Hey, guys. Thanks for having us. All right. Let's get right into it because this one is amazing. Katie, what are we going to be breaking down today? We watched fateful findings. Listeners, I need you to know that the prompt for me to complete in the gam notes was, it's the story of. And that's an absolutely bad shit thing to expect me to know. I genuinely don't have words. I had an existential crisis watching this movie. Like, I'm not okay.

I'm not going to be okay. Because watching the world's most repellent 55-year-old man pay beautiful young women to pretend to be super into him against a backdrop of magic ghosts and hacking government corporate secrets has, like, taken my will to live. As well it should. Introducing people to Neil Breen movies

is how I imagine it is to introduce people, to me in real life, right? Which is like, so you've got to be ready. It's not going to be funny or fun, but afterwards you'll tell people about it. Eli, if that's your imagining, you have to work on something. Yeah, you've got to talk to your therapist.

You sound like my therapist is what I was just going to say. He says the same stuff. Which therapist? The one in the boardroom or the one in the broom closet? Why do you have to? I have a spiritual advisor therapist and I have one who's really emotionally needing. By spiritual advisor, do you mean a ghost?

Who Knows About Spirits? Wow. Fucking spoil the movie. I don't know. You can't spoil this movie because he doesn't know what he said in the movie. You can't spoil this movie because nothing happens. All right. Well, speaking of which, Eli, how bad slash amazing was this movie?

Well, if you love your uncle's new 23-year-old girlfriend, but you wish they did more wet, gentle. Don't do it here. Mouth kisses. My God. Don't say this to you. Morgan? Preferably.

while you could really take in your Uncle Morty's bear ass. You will love this movie. Yeah, that's about right. And Alan, let's talk about Neil Breen, the most repellent 55-year-old man, as described by Katie just now. How bad slash amazing was this director-writer, producer, editor, and star Neil Breen?

Dude, also, also music director, also caterer. He was his own best boy. Yeah. Wouldn't he bring for food? I need to know. Spinich, bagged spinach. Because they weren't allowed to eat the food at that barbecue. That's what we know.

So, honestly, I doubt that I could do any better than him. I'm going to put it out there. If I was an architect with limitless funds and no friends, I would probably make such an amazing film as he did. Yes. He really, really did. About hacking, Grandma kissing hot ladies. and ghost shoes. The shoes are awesome.

So for the listeners at home, who aren't aware, Neil Breen is, and none of this is confirmed. The New York Times was like, oh, fucking no. And it's pre-Nazi New York Times, so they were still trying back.

So as far as we know, Neil Breen is, must be the greatest architect that has ever lived because he's an incredibly successful architect who uses that money to make these movies. And then the people who he builds buildings for must be aware of these.

So imagine how good an architect. He also doesn't have a sense of humor about it. It's not Tommy Wiseau. It's like, oh, yeah, people don't like my money. I play football with you. No, he's like, he's sincere. He's sincere. He's done one interview his entire career in 2014.

The magazine was like, so how about those movies? And he was like, I am a genius. And they were like, oh. Okay. Imagine living in a building. made by Neil Breen, and then you see one of these movies, and you're like,

is that our fucking architect? This is terrifying. Are we staying in this building right now? I feel like I would either be entirely safe. I'd be like, okay, well, this guy, it's like a fucking stats thing in D&D. He dumped all of his stats into architecture. This building will never fall out.

He's got edges. Yeah, he's got spikes. I feel like if you realize that he was the architect of your building, the building crumbles. Once you realize that he was the one who did it, it just falls apart, but if you don't know, everything's fine. Oh, yeah, it's like the roadrunner going off the edge. Yeah, exactly. So this is not your first Neil Breen.

No, no, no, no. Okay. This is our second. We did our first as a bonus episode, but we knew you were coming and we wanted to plan something special for secular tacular. Yeah, we did the last one with Cecil. He has a lot of opinions on this too. Okay.

Is there anything you'd like to nominate this one for being the best at the worst at, other than just movie, best worst movie? It is a fantastic bad movie. but I'm going to go with actually a worst worst worst this time, which is the worst, worst, visible discomfort of the female actors. God, it's rough. Where you can feel their skin crawling as he touches them with his pants, his horrible hands.

I'm going to go with the best worst emotional responses to horrific events. Multiple people in this die, multiple people die in this movie that people just react to it with, weird. Hmm. Okay. I'm going to go with best best list of grievances, like in the form of a movie. This is just a movie of Neil Breen doing his grievances. Apparently all his movies are that. He's mad in this one at people making fun of his writing, definitely, that his friends ghost him all the time, that it's really hard having the sexual magnetism of Neil Breen, who looks like Gary Shandler.

and he's like, get off my dick throughout the movie. I'm not okay with you talking about Mr. Shatling that way. Yeah, I kept referring to him as like a November 15th pumpkin. Yes. I think he looks like a Kirkland signature, David Dukovny. That is, these are all accurate at the same time. You know how sometimes you're scrolling through and you see an animal of fur that's been shaved because of a medical procedure?

Sure. The animal doesn't matter, but that's what Neil Breed looks like. He looks like a shaved something that's. not supposed to not have hair. Also, his last grievance is all governments and all companies ever or something like that. Yeah.

Which brings me to my best best, best, best, best suicide montage. We'll talk about it when it happens. I could not stop laughing. And I know it doesn't sound like a funny thing. Unwell, like hands and knees on the floor. Truly. Cat and cowing with laughter.

By myself, 10 minutes. of recovery where you think you're done laughing and you try to start watching again. And you start thinking about going back again. And then he gets you again. It was a real, it was a medical event in my life. Okay, I'm thinking about it now. I'm going to need a quick break.

And we'll be back to tell you all about fateful findings. Hello, podcast listener. It is I, Elvis Dumbledall. Not sure about this one. Keith, get out of the ad. You're not in the ad. As you know, I'm a wizard.

and I can simply summon a feast from my wand or have it made by the house elves. Oh, you mean the slaves you have? They're not slaves. They like it. If you don't pay them, they are. Anyway, you don't have house elves listening to this podcast, and that's why there's Factor. What's Factor?

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Plus free breakfast for one year. Offer only valid for new Factor customers with code and qualifying auto-renewing subscription purchase. Make healthier eating easy with Factor. It's good stuff. I like the thing. Hey, it really feels like we should have seen the transphobia coming, right? Yeah, we should have. So you spank it?

I mean, you can spank it, but then it's going to run away. Obviously. I'm learning, Ellen. I'm learning. Hey, guys. Oh, hey, Eli. You ready to record the pod? Honestly, I'm not sure. What's the matter?

So it's about Neil Breen. The crazy guy who made this week's movie. Yeah, yeah, but like, is he crazy, though? Absolutely. I'm worried for the people around him. Look, hear me out. Hear me out. We're all fucking stratified these days, right?

Everyone's in this weird Facebook bubble or TikTok bubble. And nobody gets along with anybody anymore. And everyone thinks that anyone who disagrees with them on anything is their enemy. and like conversation is completely dead, right? But you know who doesn't care about that? Neil Breen. I mean, I guess so. No, because listen, listen, listen, everyone hates Neil Breen's movies.

Neil Breen can't Google his own name without reading what a joke. Everyone in the world thinks he is, but he just keeps making them. While everyone else sets up a popcorn bucket and a cinematic universe and a collab with Mr. Beast in their desperate quest to be liked, No, Brin just keeps making movies that nobody likes, but him. And I just feel like maybe he's the lastuteur, you know? Like, he's the last of us actually doing anything, not for clicks or likes, but for the sake of doing it, you know? Or he's a purve who makes movies so that he can smooch women half his age while their yamba bambahas are out.

Yeah, no, it's that. Let's go. Sure thing. All right. Hey, did you just use the term otter? Yeah. It means like a singular artist and it's disrupt him.

And we're back. And we're going to start with a slow tracking shot through a storage building. Like a very special episode of Storage Wars. And we land on a giant old book on a pedestal. And somebody sprinkling glitter on top to make it sparkling. Now, I do have to admit,

I know I had to break it to Alan and Katie last time that I was a magician and still hang out with them all the time. So now at least it's not a surprise when I say, say that I know a lot of magicians who work off this table at parties. Glitter included. We still refer to you only as Eli Pussy Magnet Bosnick. Yeah, obviously. Yeah, no.

Can I ask you all a question about the book? Please. Did you think when you saw a human pick it up was going to be much, much bigger than it actually was? Sure did. Because I was like, Jesus Christ, it's so tiny. I feel like he was planning on a massive prop, and then instead he just dropped Harry Potter 4 in the bath for a while.

and painted it gold. Right, so we see this magical object, and then we cut to two kids playing in the desert scrubland. This is Leah and Dylan. They're about eight years old, and they're walking through the desert, and a skull kind of moves to watch them go past, so there's some magical stuff out there.

Move aside, Charles Edward Cheese. Neal's doing some practical special effects in this one. And then Dylan finds a mushroom, And he says, look, a mushroom. And then we get, I'm going to say five minutes of nobody moving at all. I thought my internet went out.

I was like checking my Wi-Fi connection. You fucking, you're, you think everyone on earth caught Mr. Trips based on how long this fucking pause is. Right. If you need to convince, if you're a bad movie lover, and if you're listening to this podcast,

I know you are, and you're trying to convince someone in your life to watch this movie with you, all you need is, look, Leah, a mushroom, 27 minutes. of silence. If they're not in then, they're not ever gonna be in.

At this point, I was already fired up and thinking this movie fucks because this movie fucks. It is all right. I went through a journey of like, okay, I paused it or something. No, I didn't pause it. Okay, this is annoying. Okay, now this is funny. And then they finally join the action again. So the

mushroom morphs into a treasure box. and we see more more glitter on top and then inside the box there's a blank D6 one dye and it's made like black stone

this is their magical object they're going to have power rock along with the book why so great question cany do we just want to fucking break it down and jam

do we just want to get on our beanbag chairs and really try and figure what the fuck this rock is right now let's make this a magical day yeah what do you think what do you think the rock means. What is it? What is it? I'm going to shoot from my heart and I want you guys to be open.

Like, let's all, like, idea jar right here and no wrong answers. Okay. I think Neil forgot. That would just lie he had an idea going in. I don't think he did. No. No, we're going to start up with the Black Rock. Why? So then we're going to move on to... Gonna pay off. I'm going to have a lot of shots of my hand and there's going to be a rock in there.

Uh-huh. Oh, you're done. Even his hands gross me out. Everything about it. It's actually, look, as a horrifying man, it's actually impressive to look at a person who I can see like a sliver of their fingernail and be like, loo. Spooky. Just look at him and you're like, that's the goat. That I shaved earlier for that medical procedure.

Right. So they take out the magical dye. And then Leia says, it's bad luck to leave a box empty. And I'd never heard of that. No. Neither. He's like, well, I ain't scared. And she's like, yeah, well, we're not leaving it empty.

And she puts some little beads inside the box and they close it up. And then Leia takes out a notebook that she had and she writes, it's a magical day on one page in the notebook that will, I think, matter. They're going to come back to this notebook. So they bury the box and they leave. and it turns back into a mushroom. And I'm pretty sure this felt like a window into Neal. I think he has very strong opinions on mushrooms being like, you know,

the singularity of universal consciousness because they like talk to each other or whatever. Oh, yeah. He saw that meme about, you can't kill me in any way that matters. And he was like, stop drilling. I have a new movie. Also, what my friend Heath neglected to mention was that those beads were already buy the mushroom. On the ground by the mushroom.

Yeah. Yeah. Were those just like sitting there in the desert? Why? Like a pile of beads? Or did they bring those? Wait, did they appear when the mushroom opened? Or were they there when the mushroom was still a mushroom? No, I actually went back and I was like, were those in the fucking box? No,

they weren't. Okay. All right. So they were just there or they brought them. Either way, she makes a little bracelet with some of the beads. She's like, I'm going to keep some of these other ones and make a bracelet. That will also sort of matter, not really. It will also drastically reduce her age. Yeah.

So then we got to Leah and her family leaving for the airport. And what we're learning here is that they're moving out of town. So Dylan and Leah are going to be, you know, disconnected. And we see Dylan and Leah press hands to say goodbye as her and her family drive away. And her big stupid dad's like, well, the plane won't leave without us. But like planes do? That's what standby is for, sir. She's hanging so far out the window as they drive by.

You all thought she was going to get hereditary, right? 100% hereditary. Isn't it weird that there was one movie and now a child puts a pinky out of window and we're like, that kid's about to get hereditary. It was also in this scene that I realized there were no subtitles available for this film, which was, you know, at this point,

the dangerous combination of deaf drinking and confused. So I made up a lot of what they said in this. No, that's important. Did anyone else start laughing so hard they were crying when they're yelling to each other? And then the camera pans out to show that they are three feet apart from each other. Yeah. Incredible. He's moving at like eight miles per hour. I laugh so hard.

I already have the, holy shit, I love this movie. This movie is so funny by accident. I'm pretty sure. It's awesome. So from there, we do a smash cut to Neil Breen's jarring face now. His 55-year-old face or however old he is. No way he's 55. I, okay, you guys can cut this if it's too inappropriate for your podcast, but when I-

I want you to really reflect on what you could possibly be about to say. I'm saying it. Here at boycom. I'm going to be honest. I'm going to be as honest as Eli is. This is the safe space. When I saw him on the cover of this movie for the movie art, I thought it was like a wise Native American woman.

And then when I saw him up close, I was like, oh. No, it's Neil Breen. You thought someone dropped one of those Sacchia coins they were selling for a little while in some pink paint. And they were like, well, okay, they're going to talk about those coins that nobody used.

I've got to be on, I'm turning 52 this year. Yeah. And I'm just a couple years. Did you just do the math for a second there? No, I just got shook by the fact that you're going to 52. Yeah. You look great. Oh, thank you.

I'm terrified that in three years, I'm going to look like a paper doll. I don't, I don't, something has happened to Neil Breen in his life or he's lying about his birthday. Yeah, he's out in the desert a lot in real life, it looks like. So we get right in on his face and he's going to be playing present day Dylan. And so we see him just walking on the sidewalk for a long time. He does a lot of this. He's pretty excited about his own walking.

And then he calls his wife. Emily, who is much younger than him. And then we see him. He's on the cell phone with Emily, and he gets to this very ominous crosswalk. And we get like a close-up of people's feet ominously taking a single step off the curb and into the crosswalk. I feel like he went to an art museum and saw like a weird video installation and was like, that's my vibe. Yes.

But then couldn't keep it up, you know, didn't have enough ideas to make it work. No. But he's talking to Emily on the phone and she's having a one-sided conversation and it cuts to him and he doesn't say anything and it just goes back to her. Oh my God. I've never been happier in my life. Neil, that's your line. I'm Neil. So he makes it through most of the crosswalk.

But then he ridiculously drops his phone right before the end of the crosswalk. and goes to pick it up for so long. He's old, Heath. We have enough time to see an incredibly slow-moving Rolls-Royce. Rolls-Royce. It had to be a Rolls. Turn the corner and slowly drive onto this road. And then smash-cut to him getting blasted so fucking hard.

In real life, for sure. So thank you for bringing this up because this is the question I need to ask. We all know, Neil Breen is not. not capable of special effects. Did he just strike himself with a car? So I have a theory. I'm certain that he went method on this and somehow worked it out. Yeah.

What's your theory? I think he has on helies. So he lit the car in a mess. I think there was a pie. I think in wherever Arizona he lives, there was like a pile of blankets just off camera. And he was like, remember not and not too hard. Why? When the Rolls Roy stops, does a lady from a ZZ Top video get out and walk over to him?

She's got legs and she's having trouble using them. Because it takes her forever to fucking get there. She's got legs, doesn't know how to use them. And she can't walk in high heels, which is so amazing. Like, if you study anything about Neil Breen's movies and you can study everything about Neil Breen's movies, his failure to objectify women is actually really fascinating. Like, you don't realize how. well, women are objectified

in movies like Wolf of Wall Street until you see A meal be like, now get out of the car rolls slow and sexy. Sexyer. Yeah, that's absolutely what was being yelled from the director off screen. It's like if the comments of a cam show

made a movie. Yeah. So only Gams lady steps out and listens to Neil Breen yelling in directions and she's like, oh, wow. Wow, yeah, yeah, I saw it happen. And then we see a bunch of the witnesses who also saw this guy get blasted. And they're all like, okay, let's take turns saying our first thought, but we'll each say it twice.

So it's like, call 911. Call 911. Is he dead? Is he dead? We have cool shoes. Let's zoom in on those. We have cool. So then they get the zoom in on the shoes.

Neil Breen has a thing for shoes for sure. Yeah. He's got some sort of shoe kink going on. He's like Tarantino for like with the shoes on the feet. God, imagine going anywhere if that was your kink. Oh. Especially going anywhere in Healy's, which you're correct. If there is one 55-year-old man who definitely owns Healy's and uses them a lot,

it's fucking real green in real life. He's just outside of a DSW. Would you get? What'd you get? No, no, no, no, no. Try him on for me, baby. I guess I'll try defying gravity. She's fucking sailing around that parking lot.

Okay, so the only important little moment of plot here is the only Gams lady, she puts that magical D6 into the hand of Neil Breen, who's just laying there unconscious on the street. And so this has to be Leia, right? Does it? No. Is it? Well, it has to be somebody who had this magical object that they found in their aid, I guess.

I don't know. No, it absolutely doesn't. What an insane assumption. Wait, you don't think that was Leah? No. No. Absolutely not. Because when he gets to the hospital, she's on shift as a doctor.

Yeah. It's a ghost. I think she had a doctor shift later that day, but she was riding around in her Rolls for a, yeah, it doesn't make sense. You're right. No. God, I love it. I love it for you.

When you said the word must, you applied causality to a Neil Breen movie and that was your mistake. You're all right? Yep, withdrawn. I see what I've done. We cannot tamp this down in Heath. You have to be the one person on Earth who's still hopeful that things are going to make this. Yeah, it's very sweet.

It's very sweet. Very naive. Okay, well, he's got a magical object in his hand somehow. And he grasps it. We see his hand flopping around a little bit. Then we cut to the hospital. And I laughed so hard at this too. He's on a breathing tube, but he also has a very large nose and mouth face cast thing

that completely blocks the breathing tube. The breathing tube is just feeding the cast. It's the best. Yes. Which we, he takes off later, the heart monitor stops and I was like, Neil,

no. Yeah. No. Think about, but this is why people think Neil is on purpose, but he's not. Okay?

That's why it's brilliant, right? If Ben Shapiro was like, I'm going to say my wife said, wet vagina is a disease, it's a bit. And then everyone, no, no,

he meant it. And so did Neil. Neil thinks that that thing that goes up your nose just goes, around your nose and when you take it off your heart monitor stops. The cast

on his face looks like a diaper filled with boxed mash potato. It's the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. Especially, oh my God, coming up, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. This is this neck? Okay, all right, all right.

Pull it down. Pull it together. He's on the breathing tube. He's on the bed. We see Emily's wife and we see his friend Jim for a second. They're really sad. an old doctor comes in and looks at him and explains. Oh, you mean the man in the Fabio wig? The man in the Fabio wig?

That's the guy I was talking about. He looks like he was wearing a Fred from Scooby-Doo costume when he got called into work and no one told him he didn't take the wig off in the car. He looked like to me, he looked like Adam East, Hollywood's premiere, Adam Weston, person. Right. So old doctor waits for so long to do his line.

He's just like, oh, I was waiting for y'all to take in my amazing visage and hair. And then he's like, he's unconscious. And everybody's like, yeah, got it. Got it. He's unconscious. Thanks, doctor. And then a neurologist comes in and she checks his pulse. And it turns out it's Leah because we see the bracelet from when they were eight on her wrist.

I didn't think she was a real doctor because she was taking his pulse with her fingers while the fucking heart rate monitor is beeping away. It does it for you. Yeah. Because he took his pulse like, Helen Keller trying to get to third base. Yeah, that's what. She takes his pulse and from that bit of information, she is able to define what is going on with him.

She says he's semi-comatose from his pulse. Yes. Yeah. By the way, we see Leah here, and Neil Breen is 32 years older than his best friend from childhood is what we're learning here. Yeah, so neurologist leaves

and then Emily, his wife, kisses the face cast and this is one of the moments where we watch an actress have to deal with what's been told to her as she has to do this and we watch her like psychers self-off. Think about how silly it is that she's kissing

this ridiculous cast. Yeah. It definitely felt like every actor in this movie goes, it's not porn. Yeah. Yep. I feel like there's a little, there's a small, like a font

seven question mark at the end of that sentence. It's not porn. Yeah. I read that Neil just goes on Craigslist to hire random people, not actors, just random people in the Vegas area. Oh, Vegas. Vegas explains a lot. But he pays them full industry rates because he just thinks that's important.

Which is cool. I think that's important. Yeah. Neil, bring. Neil, bring. Neil, bring. Again, there are these little insights into. to Neil Breen's world that just completely

change your whole outlook on Neil Breen. It's nuts. Honestly, knowing that those women were being paid full industry rate makes me feel better about them having to kiss him. Yes. A little, maybe a little bit. I was imagining them getting like 50 bucks

at the end of the day, you know? Right. The light pedophilia that's going to happen later. Sure, of course. It's going to get worse. The industry rates really need to get kicked up for the stuff that happens later. That's true. Do they have hazard pay and say? Yeah.

So everybody leaves. And then we see there's some like magical desert wind happening blowing into this hospital room. And the magic rock. It's in his hand. And it's healing him magically. And his one eye that we can see because the face cast is covering the other eye. His one eye pops open. So he's awake.

He pulls off the oxygen tubes he has that have no like needle. They're taped to his wrists as if they're like an ivy. but they're the oxygen tubes, and there's no need, they're just taped to his wrists. Yeah, there's nothing else. Could you even put a drop of blood where those things were.

It's not even a mark. Guys, come on. A red pen would have sufficed. And we know how much fake blood he had for this movie. He could not spare any for this particular moment. I feel like if I woke up

from anything miraculously cured, I still wouldn't pull out my own IVs. Can I say that? You've always wanted to pull out your own IV right, Alan. It's always been a fantasy for Alan. Yeah. Sounds like for you, I too. Yeah. You want to do each other?

Weirdness. I mean, yeah. It's like murder, suicide, but we just both end up with Hep C. Again. It's a living. So he pulls off the tape, it pulls out the tubes or whatever. And we see him again. He looks like the fucking Phantom the Opera had a motorcycle accident with the crazy mask.

He looks like the mask from Phantom. of the opera got lost backstage, so they used a my pillow. Right. He stands up and walks away from his bed, and we do see his very spry, 55-year-old ass for a second. Oh, my God. I love a dude's butt, but this is no. It's like ruining butts for me. Okay, Katie, you're a buttman.

I'm a buttman. I'm an ass man. All right. You're an ass man. Okay. Big time. Cool. Well, is that now over?

that you've sealed Neil Breen's ass, right? Enhanced. I think it's certainly tamped down, yeah. I feel like, yeah, you have to, like, you have to hedge how much you like asses knowing that one out there is Neil Brings. That's exactly it. The confidence with which this man strides the earth is unbelievable.

Imagine walking through life like that. Yeah, I can't. No, I hate myself. I'm nervous people can see my ass through my jeans. Do you think, and I'm going to be a little scatelon, here, so forgive me, because I know we've kept it pretty classy so far. Do you think his poops come out as long as his ass? They've got to clear it.

They have to have clear it. Is each turd seven to 26? I got to be honest. I picture his shits being the magical cubes. Or rabbit pellets? Yeah. Glitter. Just the unicorn fart.

I like, yeah. I like a combo here. It's the cubes and then glitter at the end. It's like, you know. But the confidence with which he shits. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure. He gives speeches while it's happening, for sure.

Also, quickly, before we leave the seat, we have to mention, I'm sorry, this movie, it moved me in a profound way. Same. When Adam East is telling them what's going on with him, quiet, he needs rest. Right after telling her that he can't, don't bother talking to him because he can't hear He just doesn't like the southful woman's voice. Please shush. He had just said, you don't talk to him. He's unconscious and then he shushes somebody.

Yeah. One other thing we should mention, though, we're going to meet a character, I guess an important one. I don't know. Guy with black shoes who might be a ghost or something. We see just guy with like suit pants and black shoes for a second. And it's just like a ghost checking in and they caught.

Oh, you're talking about the man who's walking around the carpet at hospital. Yeah, why the fuck would you put carpet in a hospital? The carpeted at a hospital. Jesus fuck. Oh, I didn't know. Yeah, why would you? You really want to let those smells and liquid sink in, you know? Yeah.

Hey, you don't got to sop up the blood. It's already in the carpet. Yeah. Just got to buy a dark colored one. I guess the answer is he had a little room in a strip mall that he was able to shoot in and carpet. 100%. So then we cut to Emily, his wife, and she wakes up at their house.

And we learned that Neil just walked home in his carpent. gown with his ass out and now he's taking a shower and washing all the blood off of him. And then she has to walk into the bathroom. See, he's there. And very clearly Neil Breen being like, you would uncontrollably step into the shower with me without taking off your clothes because of my magnetism. So she steps into the shower and they have like a shower hug. So it's at this point that I want to talk about what I think makes the sexuality of

Neil Breen and these actresses so terrifying. because if he forced them to do very obvious simulated sex scenes, I'd be like, gross, but it's like your typical sort of misogyny in cinema. It's the fact that every sexual situation is just they take their top off

and then they gently peck lips. Like you're kissing someone who's told you you have a flu. Right? Like you're just like, oh, it was good seeing you too. Yes, exactly. It's a grandma guest. Yeah.

They will just always do, three exact contractually obligated grandma's kisses. Do you think that Neil Breen has ever fucked? Oh, God, yeah. Has it been satisfying to either partner? No. No.

So he fucks but does not come. That sounds about right. No one does. No one does. Yeah, there's no way he has ever fucked. Here's what it has to be, I'm coming now. I'm coming. I'm coming.

Now. So much. Now is when I'm coming. And he just squeezes shampoo around the room and warm out. Oh, Alan. Look what I did. Good, come. Bye-bye.

Yeah. And this is another moment of Katie's best worst of this actress just doing an amazing job, keeping it together, both because she has to do like these little kiss things. And she has to just like take it seriously staring at this guy and the elephant man cast on his face and standing there in the shower kind of slow. dancing, like me in middle school. It's rough. I was getting really upset in this scene because I felt like

those bandages were actually waterboarding him. Like, isn't this basically what waterboarding is? Yeah. What he does for his art. No one made him do this. This was his fucking choice. He hit himself with a car and then he was like... Yeah. Yeah. There was a good amount of just like,

cut! I'm 100% sure also that he was cranked out during this entire scene because there's no modesty, like, blanket going on. Oh, no, no, no. He's hanging hog. We were seeing Mr.

Breinsopis the entire time. And it's implied, but not shown that they had sex in the shower, which is nearly impossible. I don't know why people try to. You're full of shit. That's didn't really happen. That's not. Sex in the shower should be like,

you know, when you, like, you can't show certain things on television without doing that warning ahead of time where it's like, if you're feeling suicidal, call 9-99, right? That's what should happen with sex in the shower. But like, the following program contains sex in the shower. Don't do it.

It'll dry you up down there. And it's really no fun. It's like, try to stick your dick in a balloon. Don't do it. Gross. Right. So it's an artistic. We don't quite show the sex, but it's implied here.

Also, there's so much blood. So much blood coming on him. Not from the sex from his face. Okay. So now we cut to some amount of time later. He's healing up. And he's working on a novel. We learn he's a novelist here.

He's on the phone with his publisher and he yells at the publisher to stop calling him, he's going to get the novel out. And then he angrily yells, I have a damn master's degree in computer science and now I write fucking novels. And he's just really sad. So I think Eli is Neil Breen in a slightly different universe, right? A lot of similarities. Look, a painful truth is how similar to Neil Breen I am. I'm literally just two edits away from being Neil Breen. Buddy. No. No. We're worried about you. Sometimes you got to look

into the black mirror and realize that it's just reflection, you know? You just got to be there. You can't grow if you don't grow. You know what I'm saying? What if you just start making buildings and see how it goes? Maybe I'm... One second. That's what I just realized. What if I'm as good at something

as Neil Green is an architecture? You just haven't found your thing. I just fucking lay my first line of cock in my bathroom and I'm like, oh, this is why the other thing. Boy said you're a cockboy. Yeah, cockboy. That's what we say.

Eli cockboy, bosme. You like cockboy bosom. Dot only fans, dot ninja. Dot me. Sorry, I could not afford the only fan domain. This is, however, when we meet our villain of the movie, which is these two 97-year-old laptops, I suspect that this movie was Neil's attempt to destroy whatever

saw these two laptops. Because what he will actually do, rather than write a movie, is just try to destroy these laptops in every way possible. The laptops are never on. They're never on. Never on. They're always blank. And he's always typing as though he doesn't know how to type because

it's not showing up on the screen. Like, I have to believe that he does, but he's just batting at it like a cat. Right. And they're off again. So it's a really great metaphor. It's like his entire artistic career is like person typing into a laptop that's off. Yeah.

And signing Bob Woodward novels that he bought at a disclaim. Right. We're also going to meet Jim here for real. We saw him for a second in the hospital room. This is Neil's friend. And we see him at home. And his wife, Amy, really hates him. Jim's drinking too much.

And he's like, well, we're fucking more. And she's like, because you're the worst. Because you're the worst. That's why. Now, here's the thing about Jim that I think is interesting. Jim is not a good actor. What? But he is the best actor in the movie.

He's the only actor in the movie. So what happens is he doesn't deliver a good performance. He delivers a performance of someone who's confused about why everyone else in the movie is talking like that. Right? So he's like, how come we haven't even sleep together anymore? And she's like, I'm busy at the bank. The bank is what have me busy.

And he looks at the camera like, Surely not that, though, right? Surely not that way of forming English words. Also in this scene, it ends with him referencing the stepdaughter. And I'm convinced that in Jim's regular job, the stepdaughter introduction goes a whole different direction, goes in a whole different way. Sure does.

Yeah, I mean. Because that's his daughter, right? Yeah. Would you refer to your partner's stepdaughter, your daughter as your partner stepdaughter? Well, he does. If I was feeling mean, that's what I would. That's how you really stick it to him.

My issue with Jim is that his facial hair makes me want to cover my drink. Oh, yeah. That's true. Yeah. Smart. Very smart. Mr. GHB.

He looks like his girlfriend has one of those Nair rollers and he was just like, this is great. I just use this on my face. Right. But yeah, Jim's daughter, Ali, the stepdaughter of Amy, she's eavesdropping while they have this fight.

And the fight ends with with Amy yelling, you bastard. and then being like, we're gonna have a very soft pillow fight now. Everything she does in the whole movie, whenever something horrible, ever, there's just like a horrible moment between them, she will do like a mad girlfriend silly thing, right?

Which is like plops him with a pillow or tickles his feet or something. She'll end every horrible relationship fight with being like shaving cream on your hand while you're asleep. This is we meet one of the crucial characters in this film too, which is Amy's side boob. Yeah.

Very important. Yes. Important character, yes. You have an amazing note, if I may quote. Oh, geez. This lady's got more tits in her pits than on her chest, and frankly, I'm kind of into it. I was drinking. I'm so sorry.

It was also Neil Breen's casting notes when he hired Amy. I mean, she's got a great body. Yeah, for sure. For sure. You can cut me saying that. Actually, don't make it weird. Call me. Call me.

I'm lowly. I looked you up on IMDB and I found her well I didn't find your Instagram but I found your moms and so I messaged her and said and she blocked me

her stepdaughter's Instagram all right so now we're going to get one of the major conflicts in the movie they don't make sense but drug addiction is what we're going to learn

about here so Niels right in his novel and he calls for Emily to bring his pills she grabs a handful and puts them in her pocket before bringing him the rest. And he decides he's not taking these pills anymore and he's going to flush him. So he throws him in the toilet. But Emily is addicted to the pills. They're

painkillers, I guess. So he leaves the bathroom and then she pulls him out of the toilet because he didn't actually flush him. He just dropped them in there. Okay. Y'all, I wrote in my notes with such sincerity, please don't take the toilet bills. Please don't take the toilet bills. Because You all thought she was going to like take the toilet. Yeah. 100%. Because what this movie presupposes is that an adult woman does not know what water does to build. Then she clutches them in her fist as though that will not.

She's working them in the one giant pill. Like Superman. She's going to take a bite off. I'm just going to dry these off and then I'll put them in rice like a phone. She's going to lick it like a salt like every four hours. Did anyone else notice that their medicine cabinet contains a, a bunch of prescription bottles, sunscreen, and then like a massive vat of ominous red liquid?

Yeah, this would be Neil Breen's actual medicine. What is he doing? That's my blood. I keep it in there in case I'm running low. I drink a glass, maybe a glass and a half a day. It's got iron in it. All right. Well, it's established that Emily has,

a drug addiction. And then we're back in Neil's office. He's by himself and we see some more magic wind happening and his D6 just falls into his hand. He had it balanced on the edge of some papers that are in a manila folder. So it just like topples right into his hand. And some magic happens. And then we get a very important recurring thing that happens. Naked Neil Breen is all of a sudden just doing naked Zazen staring at a wall with a bunch of garbage bags taped to it. Trash bag, womb. Trash bag, boom.

We're in the trash bag, boom. You think it's a womb metaphor? Yeah. You guys think it's a trash bag boom? That actually tracks. I even know that just says, oh, shit, he's in the trash where he belongs. When you're in the trash bag room, too,

you must be very greasy, like you've been slathered in large. Imagine how you'd be in a trash bag room. I mean, yeah, it's like all the juice at the bottom of a dumpster, right? Yeah, I assume later when we see a woman in there, it's just her tears that have went over. Yes, yeah. Quick survey. Would you rather be slathered in

label oil in the trashback womb with Neil Breen or dead. That's easy. Because I know what I pick. I know what I pick. Breen all day. Doesn't matter what you say is the second thing? Yes, first thing, Eli. I bet the actresses all got together for brunch and they were like, so what was

the worst part about this for you? And I think it was like a real, you know when like you have friends who you can have like a fun argument with? Yes. Right? I bet that was their fun argument. They were like they were standing on their feet being like, trashback womb is so much worse than shower makeup.

What are you talking about? Yeah, but you ain't never got forest tits with him. I had to get forest tipped with him. Oh, no. Okay. But the idea that this is a womb metaphor makes a lot of sense. It's kind of like some sort of doodily-do scenario throughout the rest of the movie where he thinks.

But yeah, I guess that's happening. I was just like, oh, I think Neil slipped a home video clip in a back. movie. But the metaphor makes sense. We should send us the police for some evidence, probably. Okay, so now we're going to meet Neil's therapist, Dr.

Lee, in Sweet 1-1-1-1, which is a crazy number. I don't know. It just doesn't really make sense. He meets his psychiatrist in a big boardroom. He has to do with many chairs. What fucking power play. He works out of a conference room and insists that the clients

sit all the way at the opposite end of this big table. I understand that I'm an older gentleman and I need to go to the doctor pretty regularly. Have you ever been to a doctor's office where the word doctor is spelled out on any signage? I sure have a DR. Every doctor, they're like, they're going to think it's a drive. They're going to think I've driven someplace and this is the address so we have to put that it's full doctor. Doctor of Medici.

Okay, I have a theory that this might be Neil Breen's real therapist in real life who doesn't want Neil showing up at his real office. So he also rents like a conference room every once in a while. He makes the real office too greasy. This is exactly the sort of scrambling last minute. Because he's like, well, I went on Google Maps and I saw your offices in that building. He's like, no, it's the big board room. It's not.

The first floor. Really? It's not this thing. No, no, no. That's just the postcode. It's the big board room. Was anybody else driven insane? by the doctor's sleeve to jacket ratio.

His sleeves were so far out of his jacket sleeves. It was driving me nuts. Yes. He is either wearing a undershirt, like a button down, 16 sizes too big for him. Yeah. Or a sports jacket, 11 sizes too small. One of those things is true. I had to take my son's jacket today.

He's 11. 11, 11, 11. As you can see, I am shrinking. Yeah, so Dr. Lee's role is mostly to compliment Neil Breen in real life. I'm pretty sure, at least for the first part of the movie. So the doctor's just like, oh, your first book that you're a novelist. It was clearly amazing. There was a lot of critics, fucking podcasts about it, but it's an amazing book.

And it's a very short session. Neil just says like, hey, I'm feeling less stable. All right, cool session. That was good. That was good. And they're done. Me too, Neil. Me too.

Yeah. Then we cut over to Jim again. and he's polishing his Ferrari and drinking more. And Amy, his wife, is mad at him again. Yeah. And again, so this is like typical couple fight. She goes, you'd rather be out here than being inside with me. And he's like, this gives me more pleasure than you do.

And she says, you bastard! And throws a paper towel roll at him. It's so funny. At this point, I was like, okay, here's what happened. They must have shot a scene where she like slapped him. And the actor playing Jim was like, ow, that hurt in real life. Can she only do soft, soft, soft bolly pocket hits from now on? And Neil Brin was like, I completely understand.

That's how I like my kisses. Yeah. See, they had to do like anger scream to soft pillow fight and then anger screamed to paper towel throw. A paper towel throw. And it comes open. So like, it's hard to throw. It's something that's hard to throw and it looks funny when it doesn't quite reach where it's supposed to go because it unfurls. I laughed a little bit here too.

All right. So they end their little paper towel fight. And then Emily calls to invite Amy and Jim to come over for dinner, which sounds like a nightmare, but we're going to watch it. And it is a nightmare. It turns out to be a nightmare. Truly a nightmare. We see two couples and Jim's daughter, Allie. And they're all having nothing, but they're having plastic fruit for dinner. There's nothing anywhere. No, there's actually four slices of whole grain bread. Oh, I didn't see the bread. They cut you on a plane, just like a sliced bag of bread. Oh, they're doing a bread and buttercourse. So that's cool. We see that men can't drink wine because Neil believes wine is gay or whatever. So Neil and Jimbo have a beer with the three women are drinking wine.

Man, the inner cut we get of Neil just fucking wrapping his whole jaw around that beer bottle. Really, whatever the Madonna Coke bottle thing did for my sexuality, Neil Breen's beer bottle thing did the opposite. Yeah, I feel like my entire genitals were inside my body for this. Yes, 100%. Just everything rolled back up in there. You need to try this new wine. So, okay, can we talk about the speech patterns of these people? I mean, it's in the whole movie, but this scene in particular was truly insane.

I feel like David Lynch would murder a man to get this kind of awkward delivery. Yes. It feels like the entire. Their script was punctuated with periods. No other punctuation. Between every other word. There's also a bunch of moments where it seems like somebody has a prank went into the script and put italics at random on different words.

And they all are like Ron Burgundy and have to read it with the italics. Yes. And crazy pauses. A whole lot of ellipses in there too. Also, I really want to hear this report about elephants. I want to know about these African elephants. And we can get that. Oh, that's right.

Yeah. Ali, the daughter is like, oh, I have something we could talk about because this has been insane and terrifying. Let's talk about elephants. I know some fun facts about elephants. And her dad immediately yells at her. He's like, fuck you, you're dumb. No elephant's story.

She also seems like, of the characters in this movie, she also seems slightly self-aware. She gets less self-aware as the movie goes on, right? Because she has to take her top off in front of Neil Breen. And I think we would all go into sort of fugue state. Yeah, she was associated. She has to end up, you know, she's experiencing the trauma she'll later discover. But at this first scene, she also looks around like, are you guys going to act? Or is this a part of the movie where we don't say the lines like we mean them yet?

Yeah, so they have their ridiculous dinner party for a minute. And then all of a sudden, Neil Breen, the real person, begins, like, sexually massaging his own face. And everybody's like, all right, can we cut it? Can we just cut it there, man? If I could just get an iPod touch with this on a little GIF, recycling over and over again, I would never come too soon ever again in my whole life. Iron sack Bosnick, I would be known forever.

They'd be like, no, 10, 12 hours, whatever you need. What I like is that what your story presupposes is that your main, an erection while you're looking at this as well. Well, like I said, it's the perfect balance of it. It's what really gives me. All right. Well, dinner party's over. And then we see Neil in his office and we get a very important piece of exposition that

he just yells into the camera to nobody at all. He's by himself and he's like, this is an exact quote. I wrote this down. I'm going to continue hacking into these government systems to see what I can find out about all this national and international corruption that I know is going on. And you're probably wondering if I'm going to get the international corruption too or if I'm held back by state lines. Don't you worry.

I am not. And he plays this like he also typed that to himself because he's typing onto the computer that's not on while he's saying that to nobody. He was sending himself a DM. And this is news to us. We've seen him sitting at those lap. several times. No one knew he was hacking into government and international.

I should have assumed he was Julian Assange. He has two, maybe four laptops. I think at one point there are five. And they're all turned off. Yep. All right. Well, there you have it. We've got some family drama and we've got international corruption at the highest levels.

We'll see how it goes after a quick break. And then we'll be back with more fateful findings. Okay. What about prank stuff? Do you do prank stuff for the show? Oh, yeah. And off the shows. Well, the stuff you do on the shows is good, I think.

Hey, guys, what you doing? Oh, hey, Heath. With tax time around the corner, I'm trying to get my finances in order, but man, it's a beast. He buys a lot of maple syrup. It's true. I do. Well, Eli, if you're looking to keep better track your finances, once you try Rocket Money.

What's Cattle Prod? What's Rocket Money? Rocket Money is a personal finance app. It helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions. monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Well, how does it do that? Why do you have a cattle prod? Rocket Money consolidates checking savings, loans, and investments into a single dashboard

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Rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. Why do you have a cattle prod? Alan, you're yelling. Sorry. Hey, Rick. What's the matter? Yeah, you look upset. Oh, gentlemen, I'm always upset because I'm always thinking of my long-lost love.

Long-lost love? Yes, we knew each other as children. and then she moved away when I was eight but I've thought about her every day since then Oh wow So you guys are like friends on Facebook or something? No, no, no, no, she just lives on in my heart Well, when was the last time you saw her?

I told you guys when we were eight, I was eight, she was eight. So when you think about your long-lost love, which you do every day? Yep, do it every day, every single day. You picture an eight-year-old. Oh, yeah, yes, yes. I guess so. Do you guys know if you can check yourself into jail? You should drive over and check. I'm going to drive over and check.

And we're back. When we left off, I don't know, Neil Breen was making a movie. There's no segways. Now that keeps happening. We do get very quickly, very important character as described earlier, side boob. We see sideboob for a second. It doesn't matter, but that we see that. It's so impressive. It does so much heavy lifting in this movie. Yeah. Yeah. Now we see Neil, well, Dylan, his character, but Neil in real life go to see his therapist, Dr. Lee, and Neil gets roasted by the therapist. He's like, hey, your writing, I think is getting worse,

Neil Breen. But this therapist is also everyone who's ever been in therapies, like fantasy, right? Therapists who just sort of asks if you still like them and if they're helping. I would, oh, do you know how bad I would love for any of my therapist to be like, hey, I'm doing a good job, right?

Oh, man. Because I'm asking them that on a pretty regular basis, and that becomes a whole conversation. Well, the therapist does ask, is this useful to you to do this therapy? And Neil Brean's just like, no, cut. That's the end of the scene. Again, this is because Neil Brean, of course,

has been told by everyone in his life to go to therapy. And so his fantasy is that he'll go to a therapist and the therapist to be like, wow, you sure are brilliant. Is this helping you? And he's like, no, I don't need you. They would be like, you're right. When you're right, you're fucking right, Neil Breen.

Yeah. In his imagination writing down right now. Therapies for wine drinkers, if you know what I mean. Side boobers and wine drinkers. When we see the side boob and the people attached to it, they're sleeping at a bed and it looks like a child has finished playing with their toys and they're like, you're going to sleep. It just lays them down facing one up to live.

Well, that's because this actress was like, I'm not taking my full on time. I know everyone else in the movie. Every other female person in the movie takes their top off. I will be doing side boob only. They all do get the only nipple we see unclothed is Neil Brin. There's a lesson in that. Yeah, he's very excited about specifically his right nipple.

He shows just right nipple. That's a good one. Yeah. That's his photogenic one. Yeah, that's his good side. When you seek bare boob, dig two graves for real nipples. Okay. therapy's done and then we're back home.

Neal's yelling at Emily about her addiction. And I think all of us have in our notes because she almost says the Amy Winehouse line, we all have something like, you try to make me go to rehab. I say no, no, no, no, yeah, 100%. They tried to make Svetlana go to rehab and she said, yet, yeah, yeah. I love the idea of just giving access to your previously pill-addicted wife to your pills. Neil Pene's a great guy. She just wouldn't have been that little Romanian pill pocket.

That's what that tiny pocket is for. It's for the toilet pills you steal from your husband. That's it. That's how you dry them out. That's a lady secret. So they have their fight and then later in the other room in his office, Emily comes in. She's like, I'm done talking. And he's like, oh, to continue our fight from earlier.

Okay, cool. And then Neil Breen, of course, is like, oh, well, maybe we're having angry sex now. And we have to watch. Okay. Okay, I did laugh here. We watched. Let me explain what happens. Okay, yeah, go ahead.

Okay. So Neil Breen was like, but they aren't fighting. He sweeps everything off the desk and they make love. But then that meets his Judaism because I'm a Jewish person who's also wanted to sweep things off a desk and make love. And also imagined doing exactly what Neil Breen does, which is like, okay, hold those. No, not like that. From the bottom. Their bottoms are going to fall off.

The bottom's going to fall off. I'm sorry for yelling. I'm sorry for yelling. Yeah, he sweeps off a few objects very carefully. And then he realizes he's got to sweep away a few more. And he's smiling as he like realizes he's got more. He's like, oh, no, I'll do this book now too. I'll do this book now too.

And he sweeps the book. It's the best. I'm scrolling to the notes. And I see I'm the only one who said, I too can't come unless I toss an office. Is that not like a universal thing? Yeah. Oh, God.

And they do the shirt ripping, but they don't decide ahead of time whether it's going to be like tear shirt off entirely or partially because they get stuck on like the seam a couple of times. They go with partial. It's like this wild, sexy moment. And then they kiss like I used to kiss my nanny on the cheek because I was so scared of her because she was so old. Yeah. They kiss it a way that you can tell there was definitely a cut.

Okay, you've got to purse your lips, ma'am. I can't just kiss me dead fish. You're getting the best that Breed's got, baby. I'm telling you that this is what I'm. can do. My body is stopped. I stopped throwing up. You asked me to stop throwing up and I did. I'd stop dating you. Yeah. And how many times was he just involuntarily upbricotted by these actors? Neither of the groin. Neither of the groin. Here's what keeps happening is you know how they, there's that horror movie trope where like a guy finds a sexy lady in the haunted hotel and then

pop scare. She's an old lady. That's what all of these actors were. experiencing while kissing near it's as though Jack Torrance had to just start making out with the dog blowing the guy in the hotel room and we end on Neil Breen's right nipple very importantly

and it might as well like star wipe into his right nipple and then back out and then we cut to Neil going to see a different therapist he has two this is Dr. Andre. Fully spelled out And kind of the opposite of Dr. Lee, they're going to sit inside of each other next to each other.

They're going to sit like one of them is a ventriloquist dummy in an act that the other one is doing. Did anybody else write down Dr. Andra to see if it spelled anything? Oh, yeah. That's something, right? Some sort of anagram. This woman is so wrinkled. I was actually interested in the physics of it. No, here we out.

If we can say it about Neil Green, we can say it about Dr. Agra. Here's the thing. He's not wrinkled at all and he should be. What are you talking about? He's taught. He's got clothes bins full and his skin on his face. Tight over bone. Like a skeleton in a trash bag.

You can bounce a quarter off that motherfucker. But this woman, you know how every like four years you'd be scrolling through and they'll be like, hey, the nerds found a new shape that Tesseracts perfectly. That's what this woman's face. The folds are within the folds are within. I feel like knowing this woman must be like owning an English bulldog, which is that your vet's like you gotta brush her teeth and you gotta wipe those folds with hydrogen peroxide once you need.

You gotta like use the cute tip like a pug's nose to clean mat. Yeah. Like her face was written by Frank Herbert. I feel like if she went and like puffed out her cheeks as hard as she could, she'd be four times as big. She'd be 16. feet tall. She only does that when she's being confronted by a predator.

Yeah. Exactly. Eli. Right. Well, Dr. Andra, it's very important. She's kind of a magical therapist,

like a spiritual therapist. And she mentions that she's aware of evil forces that might want to harm Neil. And then Neil, the actor, Neil Breen, the director actor, he decides to go into a Christopher Walken

cadence. And he's like, you know, about it? It's a little bit of like Mitch Headberg and a little bit of walk it. It's the best. When he said that line, I said,

you know about it. There are no words for this delivery. It belongs in a museum. Okay. And then we get an amazing moment. I think this is a real-life Neil Breene moment too. He stares into a mirror

and then he walks away and the image is still there in the mirror. Oh, yeah. You all ready for the? This? Why? No, no, no. Don't worry. Later on in the movie, that mirror is going to fuck a wall for a while.

That mirror is going to shake. Shake-a-shake-shake-shake mirror. I don't understand anything. Okay, I feel like Neil Breen stares into a mirror in real life and one of them always walks away. Kind of disgusting. Yeah, and the other one is trapped in being Neil Breen.

They take shifts. Sometimes they both walk away at the same time. Different directions. And he's like, oh, okay, regular mirror today. Yeah. So then we cut over to Amy and Jim in bed. a little more side boob. We learn that she's taking pills too, which is scary.

And we watched them just fight over, well, fight over this. But we also watch these actors fight over who talks next because they keep forgetting their lines. So you get her being like, I think. And then he's like, still you, babe. So you weren't done talking. I think I'm beyond that now. It's the best. It's like being on a very, very important Zoom call with bad signal.

this scene right now. No, you go. No, no, no, no, no. Please, please, please, please. There's literally a part where Jim says, okay, let's try and start over. And I think that was the acrobin. Like, let's do this again. Absolutely. 100%. He was like, go, go, go, go, go. I got catering to do. This is magic. Don't stop. All right. Now we're back to Black Shoe Ghost Guy. Remember him? No. Well, he was in the hospital for a second. Stop insisting on his existence. The carpeted hospital. I'm pretty sure he's, He's there somewhere.

There's no payoff. He shows up at a door. We don't know what door and he phases inside of the door. So he's a ghost. That was it. And then we cut to Neil in his office. He's writing his novel and he's, I guess, also hacking all the governments at the same time. And Emily wants him to come to bed.

But he doesn't want to come to bed yet. He says, I love to hang out, babe, but I need you to go away now. Exact words. She's like, it's really late. But you can see out the window that it's clearly midday. son is streaming through the blinds. I love this for them. Everything he says is a speech to someone in his real life that he's mad about.

It's all grievances. He can't talk to people so he writes them into his movie. It's like Eli writing sketches for his grievances. He just does that. That's true. For sure. And then we're over in the living room and they continue their discussion. It is like, all right, now that we've changed rooms, sorry about the fight we just had.

And she accuses Neil of having an affair. As if this dude could be. pool anyone else. Katie, you've seen the movie. It can pull everyone else. Everyone. Including a child. He does then have an affair. I was wrong. My notes were wrong.

That's true. The long pause, though, before he says, no, that's not true. I'm not having an affair. It was super funny. It's just Neil Breen being a bad actor, but if anyone ever answered that question that way, I'd be like, okay,

so you're 100% having an affair. Yeah. We actually watch him say, no, that's not true after a long pause. Then he looks at seven different random spots in the room, like he's checking. And then he's like, no. He says, I'm with you. Is he asthmatic? What's happening?

Okay. Speaking of which, let's go back to the womb metaphor. He zoops himself into his garbage bag room. And there's more bags this time. He's got like gray ones and black ones now. I knew I had some more down in the basement. And this time that glitter book on the pedestal is there too. Doing some naked box fondling, the Elon Bosnick story.

So we see that book for a second in the garbage bag room. And then Neil, there's like a hard cut and naked Neil is there. All of a sudden he like snuck up on the book. And he opens the book. The book is terrified. And I get it. And he opens up to a page and he reads one. page, but just barely, like he's hiding a poker hand from everybody else who's not in the scene

at all. So he's learning like the magic of the ghostly desert book here. Is that how you interpret this? The whole scene sounds like it's filmed inside of an iron lung as well. It's like a compression noise happening. Yeah. The sound effects are telling me that the book is breathing, has vital signs and also might be like getting into a pipe in Mario World, you know?

Yes. Wait, I have a question. Go ahead. What's in the book? Five or six other books. There's glitter. Five or six smaller books, glitter. Yeah.

But what is the significance of the book? The secret of desert magic that he only learns one page of. What does he do? There's a tassel in there that's going to show up in their bed later. Oh, the titty tassel, yeah. Yeah, that's important. Okay. Okay.

Well, there's a magical book, maybe. Oh, me, okay. So now Dylan, Neil Breen and his wife, they invite Jim and the family over for a very sad pool party at barbecue. These are your only friends don't have friends. Yeah. Just don't have friends. Just go in your pool by yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And without jeans on. Yeah. They have to scoge past each other in their tiny little yard next to their incredibly dirty pool to do the scene. It's just like out, out just a little bit of room. It's over here. The scene's over here. Okay. Don't fall in.

Don't fall in. They also have a champagne-branded pool umbrella. I'm like, I don't have a pool, but I want that. Yeah. And importantly, at the party is Dr. Leah and her fiance. They got invited to the party. How? No idea.

Hello, hospital. I'm like everybody who entered, but Ken is not there. It's the guy who dressed his friend from Scooby-Doo isn't there. So it's not like they just invited all the doctors from the hospital. there's no reason for her to be there. No. And she's leading her fiance, Tim, around like he has a hard time existing outside of his home. You're not sure what he might do next.

He's on a work release program. Yeah. They've got like the new relationship vibes. And he's like, I guess I'm just going to be super cool about this insane group of friends at this party. I'm going to do my best. So they're all talking. And then all of a sudden we hear a crash. And Emily's like, I got to watch.

walk away and check the grill. Probably there was a loud crash involving the grill. It was a really heavy chicken wing. Yeah. And so now it's just Dr. Leah and Neil Breen for a second. And the age thing is so bad shit insane.

32 years is nothing. Okay. All right. Yeah. Truly in real life it's, I think it's 32 years. I read that. Crazy. The actors. Yeah. So we see her phone in her pocket and the phone makes touchtone, phone a couple times when we see it. It was like a Foley table was introducing an old phone

as like a character and a musical. We see that and she pulls it out of her spring-loaded pocket and her notebook flies out. And it's the notebook. What's in the notebook? It says, it's a magical day. So it's the notebook from when they were kids. The notebook is pristine.

And she claims she's been carrying it with her for the best. Oh, I don't know, 200 years or whatever fucking old these people are supposed to be. It's bananas. Right. And Neil recognizes like, oh, it's Leia. And he's like, is that you? It is, isn't it? But wouldn't she, she says that she didn't even think to look at the name on the chart in the hospital?

Fucking malpractice. Read the whole chart. Look, I love to walk into a room, grab someone's wrist like I've never seen one before. Give it a couple of shakes and then tell everyone they're in a comb and toe state right before they wake up. And while they're talking, even the actor can't make, the actor playing Leah can't make eye contact with Neil Breed. She keeps looking at him and then like, it's not a flirty looking away. It's like a, yeah.

Yeah. There were some worse moments of that that they had to cut away from because they're like, they're touching hands like, oh, are we touching hands a little bit, huh? And so we see that as only a close up of the hands because we can't see the actress's face because you would have been disgusted by his weird hand. You've ever been at a haunted house and a scare actor pops out at you and then there's like two seconds

where that person who's just an actor doing their best has to like get back into their little corner? That's what I feel like her whole experience of this movie is is just being like oh no you got me with a chainsawthing. That was good. That was good.

Do you have health insurance? I worry you don't have health insurance. Okay, so now they're going to eat at their barbecue but all the actors fucking panic and forget what eating would be, what human eating is. I take corn off your place. I pass back to you, same corn. Same corn for you now. Amy takes a bite of the chicken but just keeps it between her front teeth and the lips.

It's so upsetting. You can see the bite has been taken out of it, but it doesn't go anywhere. It's like it snooze and she just shoved it down in between. Oh, I'm going to savor that. She takes the bite of someone who is aware. they are being poisoned, but the guards are still in the room. Has no choice. Uh-huh.

Yummy. And this is one of my favorite things in this. Emily, the one. Sorry. Can I say, honestly, the best thing about this movie is the panicky joy. It is not just joy, obviously, joy, but like, no, no, no. You can't. You can't let your brain picture what happened.

You have to just try to say it. You're not going to be able to say. Alan talks about this movie like he's being held out over roof by Batman. No, you have to understand. Like if I don't explain all of this to you, we're all going to die. So Emily is looking at Leah. And she gives her like a once over like, oh, who is this lady? I saw her holding hands with my husband.

Leah turns to her and gets the most, I will fucking cut you open from groin to gullet, you piece of shit, you're going to be dead soon. She's so repulsed. It is the biggest stink guy. Why? What is she upset about? This feels like a real love triangle

and real life at this movie set. Yeah. Oh, God. Oh, no, come on. You can see my gag reflex with that. The idea of that happening. Well, it's like a love hexagon. I'm not sure.

Yeah, because Jim goes over and gropes the wrong lady. Yeah, it's gross. Yeah, I love rhombus. Right, we see Jim being too drunk. And then he knocks over a tray of food, but not right away. Like, he's supposed to knock some stuff over, but he doesn't do enough. He just, like, knocks over one little fork on his first try and then he has to keep going. He, like, looks at it and then knocks over three separate plates.

And then it does like a shibby shake. Look at me, I'm drug, woggo, woggo, wog. I'm just sweeping off this little. area on the side of the barbecue grill who's going to fuck. This is what Neil said I could throw knock over when I was wrong. No money? And then the next time we see them they're all standing like a basketball

team yearbook. Why? It's such a hard cut from the food getting knocked over and everyone being like, oh, he's the worst. And then everybody together being like that never happened, we're in tight for our photo in the yearbook. Yes, we are.

Cheers. Cheers. And then someone says, very nice. What? What? Huge pause. And then Neil Breen ends the scene by being like, very nice. Like, bore out.

Yeah. Okay. So now we cut to, this is a little creepy or very creepy. A little. We cut to Jim's daughter, Allie, getting into the pool. She's by herself. She tries to start a splash fight with nobody. I think she's a little slow.

And then she looks over in. to the house, sees Neil Breen in the window and she's like, hey, Neil Breen, I'm going to be topless in a second. And she gets to the pool, topless. And he calms down by going back to his office to hack a government or whatever.

He's going to hack the pain away. Right. So then Allie continues her seduction scheme of Neil Breen because, of course. So she goes to pour a bubble bath. We see that happening. The drain is open. It's open. It's open. It's just pouring.

pouring soap down the drain. You stupid morons. What are you doing? So Neil thinks it's Emily in the bathroom. He hears the tub running. And he goes to the bathroom, but it's Allie. And he gives her a little lecture to, you know, stop being so attracted to me, Neil Breen.

You got to stop. Please stop trying to bubble bath seduce me, you rascal. In my carpeted bathroom. Yes. And when he asked her if she's going to stop, she says yes the way I say yes to the bad things I do, right? He's like, are you going to stop? And she's like, no. Right. So she's probably not going to be able to stop because, you know, it's Neil Breen. So from there, we cut to her dad, Jim, polishing his car again. And Amy is so mad now at Jim that she goes upstairs and takes out her secret gun. Okay, here's what was terrifying about this scene. That's a real gun. For sure.

100%. There's no movie cast, Alec Baldwin included, who should be trusted less with a gun than Neil Breen and his cast. Don't worry, it's going to end up in the hands of five different people later on. Oh, unsaddling. When she turns at this point in the movie, so she does the way too long, Kachik, right?

You know that thing where they're, do where they pull the top of the gun. I don't know what it actually does to a gun. Cocking it? Yeah, okay, there you go. She jerks off the gun a little bit. But she does it too slow, so she's like, chick, check. And then she turns and you see Neil Breen behind the camera go, oh, no.

And move out of the way of the gun. Right. She comes running into the garage like, I'm going to shoot this damn car up full of holes. Yeah. And then misses and shoots. Jim, I guess. What luck? Such a big target.

Yeah. And just as she's shooting Jim, Neil knocks on their front door. And he hears that happen. And then we see Allie come in. And she's like, you killed him. You killed him. And they both look at the dead body for a second and then realize, oh, right, we're supposed to wrestle now.

And then she's like, dad, dad, she tries to run out. They wrestle for a second. And Amy decides she's going to set it up to look like a, suicide, I guess, by putting the gun and one bullet shell next to his body. So, end of ruse. Despite the fact that the daughter

came in and saw her with the gun in her hands and she's like, you killed him. And that the bullet holes in his back. Yeah. And he's still breathing, by the way, also. Yeah. So Neil comes in too and Amy yells to him to like go with her lie. She's like,

he killed himself. He killed himself. And she just leaves then. And, you know, so that Neil can cradle Jim in his arms and I don't know, have a dying moment where he just gets a whole bunch of blood on his face. Yeah, I need you all to promise me right now

that when you inevitably find my corpse, the three of you together, you will cover your hands in my blood and then rub them all over your face like you're basing a turkey. In some sort of erotic ritual. Yeah, semi-erotic. But then can I cradle your head

and act as though my mother is looking at my credit court score? Yes, this is the peak of Neil Breen's acting in this movie. I can't believe you committed suicide. When he goes, Jim, Jim, Jim. Jim. Jim. Oh, Jim.

Jim. Truly, this is my mom looking through like my rocket money. Eli. Eli. Oh, Eli. I can't help you with this one. I can't help you with this one. I can't help you this one, bud. So Super Hacker Spy is like, yep, that's a suicide. I guess I'm sad about a suicide now.

Then he's back in his office. He's reading his own book. His own book. Yeah. Oh, my God, he is. And then he says to himself like, oh, I'm so drained. I'm so exhausted. And he takes a little nap.

We get one quick, naked garbage bag, Zazen Sesh, of course. And then Neil and Emily are in the living room. And Neil apologizes to her about his best friend dying and asks her like, how. can I help? Yeah. I don't know. All my notes in this section are about how much I hate Neil Breen and how I could wish I could wear a short skirt and high heels and ram him with an SUV. I just, I don't understand this. Do you think that's how he got that woman to take that part? He was like, hello. I noticed you haven't been enjoying this conversation we've been having at this TGI Fridays. How'd you like to put on your hottest outfit and hit me with a Jeep grand Cherokee? That's an offer. No lady would be. I mean, count me in. Yeah. Why? Sorry.

Why does Emily blame herself for this man's suicide? It's a great question. I think she's genuinely saying that she roasted him too hard when he got drunk and knocked over the pen. She rebuffed him too hard when he sexually harassed her at the barbecue. I see. I don't want that to be the takeaway from anybody in this. Which means, because again, everything is Neil Breen through the lens of Neil Breen in the Breen universe, right? Is that he like came up behind someone.

at a barbecue once and was like, tickle, tickle. And she was like, Neil, I'll fucking kill you. I'll drown you in your dirty ass pool, Neil. I swear to God. I'm gonna kill myself. You'll sure feel bad, Twitter.

And immediately in this scene, he makes her real depression about himself. He's like, it hurts me to see you this way. And when he's saying that to her, his mouth is one centimeter from her ear and he's yelling. It's so close. She says you're better off without me and he like takes some time to consider it.

He's like, I don't know. Leah's around. Yeah. So they finish up their fight and then we see Neil on the phone with his publisher again. And once again, having no idea what publishing a book would be or what the words around that would sound like. He's just mad in general about the concept. And we get the amazing No More Books thing where he's yelling and throwing books and in real life breaking several. of his laptops that didn't work.

No laptop enemies of the movie. Yes. And we get a quick cut to once again the trash room and now Dr. Lady is naked in there with him and I assume crying because he has his arm wrapped around her waist with his wrist. His wrist is resting delicately on her book. Oh God, yeah.

Although I'm pretty sure that it's supposed to be Dr. Leia, yeah. But I think the actress who plays Amy because famous sideboob is the person playing the moment. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we don't see much of Leah's, any of Leah's side-boob, I don't think.

So I'm going to go ahead and agree that it's Amy. Amy's side-boob. Okay, so now we're going to get another session with that first therapist to Dr. Lee. No, that's side-boos. Is it Amy? Is it Leia quickly? Emily, Amy, I don't know. Pass.

Pass. Not Allie. Never Allie. No. You could walk away with a new car or a prison sentence. Don't guess Allie You bring you piece of shit

To not guess Ali Mr. Beast games Have nothing on us You will go to jail I still don't know I referenced Mr. Beast I'm relevant It's a little too relevant for us

I'm not Neil Breen I'm fatter than him I don't like the episodes where Noah's not there Because Eli goes into a sort of fugue state of self-realization. And he kind of encourages it and doesn't just cut to the next thing. Yeah.

Okay. He keeps talking like he thinks werewolf ambulance is there. But they've been dead for 20 years. I wish. All right. So now we're going to get another session with that first therapist, Dr. Lee, with the conference room. And he explains to Neil Breeney's like, hey, you're probably going to need stronger drugs.

Neil Breen for sure. You want those, right? You want those stronger drugs? Yeah. Yeah. And for a second, I don't know why. We get a shot of Neil entering the building he's already in and very slowly walking up the stairs to where he is that we've seen already. Yes, they show the placard with the doctor's name after he's gone into the boardroom. I know why. Why? Editor, caterer, director, music director, architect.

It's easy to get mixed up. But he's also lying to the psychiatrist about seeing other therapists, right? Therapists is where he's cheating on it. Oh, yeah. That's their conflict here is like whether he's cheating on Dr. Lee with Dr. Andra. And he lies about it. Neil Breen in real life has strong opinions about like therapy, non-monogamy, I guess. And so this is where he yells about that grievance.

All right. So now we're going to cut to a duck pond. And Neil Breen just walking next to duck pond. And he bumps into Dr. Leah there. Okay, they do the like shoulder bump and I immediately wrote in my notes, fight, fight, fight. But they Hugginsden. Right. It seems like a fantasy though, because they like walk past each other and then turn around and like, I don't know.

I don't know what's happening. Oh, hey, you're here? Yeah. And then she's like, by the way, I cut off my engagement. Oh, right. Yeah. She broke up with Tim. And that's, I guess, making their love.

story all possible. Presumably because he was weird and a bit gross, but not weird and gross enough, like Neil Breen. Yeah, it tracks. It tracks. So Neil and Leia are glitter-based soulmates, and now he can topple the entire power structure of the world. But first, let me give Act 3 the Heart Cell. Will Neil Breen topple the entire power structure of the world? Will there be seven more naked garbage bag Zazen scenes? Will Neil Breen accidentally create the funniest montage in cinematic history by accident? Maybe when we return for the Breen-tastic conclusion of fateful findings. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Hi, I'm Alan Ambulance. And I'm Heathenright. You know, trauma takes many forms, but for Alan and I, it was getting zapped by Katie with her cattle prod that she has. You said you wanted to know how it felt. In today's busy world, it'll be hard to find the help you need. And that's why there's better help. Better help does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals.

A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences. And their 12 plus years of experience in industry leading match fulfillment rate means we typically get it right the first time. If you aren't happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored wrecks. I do not recommend getting hit with the cataprod. now it's hit. You can't step into a lighter version of yourself without leaving behind what's been weighing you down. Therapy can help you clear space. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com slash awful. That's betterhELP.com slash awful. I passed out with her shocking me and when I woke up, she was still shocking me. Me too. Same thing happened. Drama queens that both he is.

Just do one more. Hey, Neil, you got a second? Sure, Jerry. What's up? Yeah, yeah. So I was looking through the script and I got to be honest, I found something a little upsetting. Oh, no. What is it? What could it be? Crazy. What is it? In real life? So, okay, you know Jennifer in the movie? Yes.

Well, she has a scene where she takes her top off and kisses you. She's my girlfriend. My love. Right, right. But then Ashley also takes off her top and kisses you. Because she's my long lost love. I always loved her. And then Crystal, and then Crystal, who's supposed to be my daughter in the movie, she takes her top off and tries to kiss you. Also, yes.

Yeah. Okay. So I guess my question is, why don't I get to take my top off and kiss you? I mean, we could do that. Great. Awesome. Sorry, I just fell left out. No, I get it.

And we're back. And now it's time for Neil and Leah to go walking in the desert where they found the magical D6 when they were kids and they find it again. Yeah, they find the mushroom and the treasure box. This time I just saw you sprinkle the glitter. Like I saw your arm and do that. Which implies he carries around pocket glitter, right? Like he's somebody who has that all the time. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. You never know when it's going to be a magical day. Jesus Christ. Today for sure. It's why you have to carry a full-sized mole-skin notebook so you can write whether or not it's been a magical day. We're all getting matching. It's a magical day tattoos, right?

I already had one, but you guys can get one that matches mine if you want. You and Eli made one like lockets. Yeah. But we can try to fit you in. We'll redo it. We have to press the insides of our butt cheeks together. It requires a lot of flexibility, but... I think a four-way butt cheek presses the way we have to go.

That's official. Yeah. I only have one free butt cheek. If I had a nickel. So we get shown that it is, in fact, a magical day again because cloudy ghost flies past while they're out in the desert. God's vape, right, right. You think ghosts are gods' fap?

There's just this like fucking these blowing cotton across the screen. Yeah, that's what you see. And of course, they're going to do a little more making out in the desert together. This scene. It felt like Last House on the left to me. Like that's how the level of discomfort I had. It's got real hostage video vibes. Yeah.

We get more of the actress who's doing Leah. She's doing like face turns. It's like Ikeido to block Neil Breene. She's just like hip throwing him. He goes in for a kiss and she's like, what's that? Over there. Look it. Look, it's my character's death or something.

He takes her shirt down by like grabbing the, straps on her kiami and pulling it down. But she's like, if you fucking expose my nipples, I will fucking drop you right now. Tell the tension on her face where she's like, no further. No fucking fat. Yeah. It's upsetting. We also see a quick crosscut of Emily taking more pills at home because she's addicted.

Those are the toilet ones. Yeah. Wine glass filled with water. They kind of do have to be the toilet ones, don't they? So Neil gets home and he finds Emily. Dead. Emily. Emily.

It was you. I know it was you. What? Okay. What was her? I have a theory. Go. So I think what he means by

I know it was you is that earlier we saw her. We didn't talk about this because this movie's boring. It takes forever. Earlier we saw her on the phone with the psychiatrist who was getting him to take the pills.

Oh, right. I think he knew about that because he's a super hacker. Okay. Perhaps. But again, that is an assumption of causality in a Neil Green movie. And that is on me. Uniquely flawed. That's a mistake. Beautiful angel. But we just see Neil saying, Emily's dead. As if he's just like taking, he's like Siri, take note.

Emily's dead. Period. Period. Period. Great. Well, how do you end a phone call? Alexa, order one new Emily. No, I don't want to add it to my dash button. I regret my dash. I never had a sidekick, but I understand with the sidekick when you're done with their phone call, you throw it on the ground as hard as you can.

Oh, that's a little psychic too. I thought you meant a sidekick, like how I'm your sidekick. I was really offended, yeah. In the world, are you my sidekick? Like Robin, yeah, and I was like, I mean, he does kind of just throw him on the ground when he's done with him. This one got beaten up by the Joker.

What would you do if Katie got beat up by the Joker? Get a new Katie. Get a new gating. This one's busted. But then you come back as the Red Hood. There's a lot of fun to be had here. You know I would run around Pittsburgh going, where is she? That's a Batman chip.

And it was, that's perfect. It's the one I've seen. All right, so we get one more naked garbage bag, Zaza, in scene for a second. During that doodily do, I guess Emily's dead, and now he's with Leia and they live together. Live together? He lived together, yeah.

And also, like I have expressed many times, even on this show, I think, that like a man without a headboard is a huge red flag. But if they're like... Everybody doesn't need a headboard. Sometimes a wall is kind of like a headboard already. Katie. Oh, whatever. Katie.

Same. Katie. Can we just do a god-off of movies episode where we just take a webcam and walk you around Heath's completely empty home? I want to see Heath's home. Like the outcome where Heath does a murder. a day is the only one where the amount of furniture in his home is acceptable. Fucking low rent, Dexter. I have never, I have left more furniture in apartments I moved out of

that Heath has in the home he lives in right near all. I was going to ask you, is having a couch for a headboard just a little bit too much. I mean, I just feel like ladies, if he has a leather headboard, you run. You run now because you endanger, girl. He's a freak and not in a fun way. The only time I've ever had a headboard, it was leather? Yep. If he's got a leather headboard, it's a Gerald's game situation, and it is not going to be a good time.

It was actually hit my place in Cincinnati that came furnished, but it wasn't. I'm so sad you couldn't take your leather headboard with you. Hey, can I keep this? No. That belongs to the home. We need the blood of an underage girl to spatter against it before we replace it. apartment rules. We got to keep this for the next freak

that's moving in here. I'm sorry. A used Ferrari dealer needs to kill a mail order bride against it next week. Way too many the details of my life look like I'm a serial killer. I was worried early that I offended Heath

when I said called someone else a moron and he disappeared for a second. And now I just called him a freak 15 times in a row. Well, that was before you knew he had a leather headboard. Also, you know, we all pull our punches. Fair enough. So Neil and Leah are together

now. They're in his office. He's eating a plate of spinach leaves and nothing else. A big pile of spinach. Exactly nine leaves. Wow, wearing like a sleeveless baseball tea that was making me want to be dead. And

he takes his plate of spinach and he balances it on the of papers again like he had the D6 earlier. And it obviously falls. And he's like this finish fell. This is so us. This is so us. It's foreplay. So what he was picturing, right?

He was picturing like the Salad falls and she's like, oh, you, so adorable. But instead it's just every time I've done a bit in front of my wife where she's been like, you are shameful, shameful to have, shameful to hold, shameful to be around. And I'm like,

I was convinced I was convinced when the plate fell that he was like, well now we will have Congress make the human love. Seems like this desk has already started just sweep its cell phone to the floor. I think Neil was convinced to that too. Let me slowly put on this

unfavored Bert's Bees chapstick a little treat for you. Okay, so I'm pretty sure he tried that. He went for that. It didn't work. Aged 100 years. Actually activated my gag. So we get the levity

of spinach falling and then out of nowhere he's just like, and this is an exact quote, I've hacked into the most secret government and corporate secrets fuck. Kind of painted myself into a corner with secrets there. The most secret

and I discovered corporate and government cheating. When he says this, why does anyone believe him because he sounds insane. He's just corporate. Like there's an extra W in that word that I was not corporate. Right. And Leah's worried about him.

She's like, you're going to get yourself killed. That sounds like powerful people. And Neil Breen, I think in real life believes that to be true about him. And he's just been lucky for decades, not getting killed by all the governments he's been hacking. Yeah, yeah. And he explains to Leah that nobody knows about this. except you and also others.

She's like, okay. How does he emphasize that he's ended that sentence? He throws a book. Another booking, a copy of his own book. Hold on, I'm going to close my laptops. All right, book throw, book throw, there we go. I'll slide the book. I'm going to slide the book.

I've broken a lot of laptops. Then we get, this was weird, we get a long establishing shot of an outdoor socket on a wall. We're going to learn this is Leah's house where he lives now too. And then we see a henchman. This is, we know.

Sorry. I figured. I forgot about this. I shouldn't have pictured you. Okay. You can't think about the movie. It's too good. Don't think about the movie.

We can't do any more. He's apparently sneaking around. Vegas bundled up in all-black skiware. And this is me he puts some very obvious hydrogen peroxide on a... It's supposed to be chloroform, but

we see hydrogen carbonide go onto a rag. The nutrition facts on the peroxide. He kidnaps his woman in brightly colored clothing in the midday sun. Behind a bush. They're behind a bush. He's safe.

Yes. He can. Kidnaps Leah here. And also importantly, mid-abduction fight, he looks at his index card that had instructions for his henchmaning. And he dropped one. Kidnap. Yeah. And he's like, check.

Okay. But then he drops the index card onto the ground. And we see it. It says, take her to trailer number two, 410, South Ambrose Avenue. And it's initialed by presumably the crime. time boss of this initial book. You have to know it's real.

Yeah. And at this moment, we also see that Neil is walking up to the front door of the house. They're around the side having this kidnapping heaven. And he's leaving her a voicemail

at the time saying, like, I'm at the front door, but then he comes across the scene. They're gone and he comes across the scene. He sees her purse on the ground and the index card with the crime details. That seems like when you accidentally put the screen reader function on your TV

and it describes what you're looking at. He's like, man walks across the room. Exactly. And he keeps yelling into the voicemail. He's still on the phone as he finds this crime scene. And he's like, where are you? Are you okay?

Pick up. Pick up. As if he believes that voicemail is an answering machine that you can hear when it's going to your phone. I think that's why later on we see when he goes out for a drive and he calls the voicemail and we see that there's a landline. He's like, they're going to be so mad that I think he's. You could just answer a voicemail.

Oh, yeah. Okay. He sort of fixes it. He sort of like bandages over it later. You're right. Okay. This is the one thing that he goes back in the fucking dumbass movie. Right.

Okay. Well, he knows some sort of crime has happened and he knows the exact address. So he goes there and we're at the storage building. I think the one from the beginning from the cold open. Yeah. And if this makes sense. I'm so sorry. Yeah.

I don't know why it had to be the same one, but I'm pretty sure it was. And we get to see Neil walk. so fucking far across a giant lot to get to the scene. There's a big, like, horse trailer outside of the storage building where presumably Leah has been locked inside. And I can't emphasize how much he walks like George Burns.

He walks like an 85-year-old man. Yeah, he does not look spry. Yeah, so he finally gets to the scene. And henchman guy is, I think, just taking a nap next to the trailer. What is he doing? sleeping. Right.

Neil, like, shakes him away. Have a nap. Neil shakes him awake and starts yelling at him. And he yells like, give me the motherfucking key, cock sucker. And he has a beer bottle just in his pocket, I guess,

and he smashes him up to head. He doesn't drink wine. Come on. He's a man. Right. So the henchman wouldn't give up the key. So Neil, of course, uses his now ghost power

that he has to phase through the locked door and Layas inside. Why? How? Why? And then they go ghosts back through the door. Why? But she can't watch.

She can't see him do it. No. Okay, that was crazy. Yeah, he gets in there and he's like, don't worry, babe. I'm a spy hacker novelist. I got this covered. Here's the thing, though.

I'm going to put the blindfold back on you. I got to do a thing. And she's like, what? That's weird. Just, okay, just go with it. Don't look. Okay, now I'm putting the gag back into your mouth. Don't worry.

This is part. I'm doing a thing. Why does she have to be curious? That's thank you, Alan. That's exactly the question I was about to raise. I get it if you've got supernatural powers. You don't want her to see that you can face through walls. I've been there.

I don't want my wife to see that I can face through walls. But the gag going back in feels like I'm worried you're going to ask a question right while I'm in the middle of it. Women be talking. Am I right? I'm Neil Breen. Oh my God. Neil Breen's problematic 1980s comedy special?

He's Andrew Dice Clay? Yes. How do you look at a man's ass? Women be shopping. Okay, so she's blindfolded and re-gagged for whatever the fuck reason and he phases them both back

outside through the locked door again and then, okay, this is important. Do you remember the conflict about Ali, the teenager who wants to seduced Neil Breen? Time to tie that up. Why? So I guess what's implied here is that

he rescued Leah from a kidnapping and then he was like, I got to stop to lecture Ali about this thing. She was trying to seduce me. I got to lecture her. So he does that. And Ali tells him that she saw her stepmom Amy shoot Jim

and staged a suicide. This made me think that I was going insane because she's like, yeah, the police are finally investigating dad's death. So I'm like, oh, only like a day has transpired in the time since her father was killed.

We've had so much movie. We've had weeks of movie. And only a day, oh my God. Am I phasing out of life? Wait, but that means that he's white, because his wife died after. Yes.

Jim, wow. So there had to be a full-blown funeral for her. Truly insane. An FBF. Okay, well, that plot point has been tied up apparently. Oh, yeah, neatly. Now we see Neil sleeping next to Leah.

I guess he was like, all right, babe, we'll deal with that crime syndicate thing tomorrow. You got kidnapped. We'll sleep on it. So they go to sleep. But as they're sleeping, we see somebody is sneaking in

and that somebody has possibly telekinesis because stuff's getting moved around. Hey, podcast listener, Heath is just fucking making shit up. I have no idea. No, I'm not. No, like drawers start opening. No, the mirror starts shaking around, but we don't know that someone's...

There's never anybody there. We see the shoes. The shoes, but there's never anybody on the other end of the shoes. No, that's true. It's a ghost who has shoes and he's in there. Somebody, that's a ghost. He has shoes at least from the knees down pants. So you think the ghost who is in the house is not the cause of random objects moving around.

You think that's just happening in Neil Prince's house? I think those shots are put together randomly by, some kind of algorithm is what I think. Okay, or I guess maybe here's another theory. Black Shoes guy is just Black Shoes guy. He's just in there for a moment. And he bumps into a desert spirit ghost and it's kind of awkward. And the two of them are like, oh, are you fucking with this guy?

I'm out. It's not my. Hey, I hear them paranormal activity movies is pretty popular. What if we did a little paranormal activity movie right here? Okay, but I believe it's ghost guy. who's doing some low-level ghost-haunting stuff. He's like jiggling paintings and mirrors and switching like AM and PM on the clock radio.

And Neil snaps awake, and he decides to sneak out so that Leia doesn't know what's happening. He sneaks out in the funniest way I've ever seen. It's like you realize you're caught on someone's Zoom call and you're like to get real low, real slow. He goes ass out of the bed. Yeah.

But so was the, oh my God, was, was shoes Pants, ghost, whole plan to make the mirror fuck the wall to wake up Neil Breen so he would leave the house. Yes, so that he would sneak off and deliver the speech about him hacking all the world leaders so that they would eventually kill themselves. I don't know if you guys can hear, still hear me. I think I might be a ghost now. I think I might have died and passed away and become a ghost. Okay. That does track.

I think he's, I think this black shoe ghost guy is, you know, pushing the plot along. So Neil gets into his car and this is where, like, Like Allen was saying before, he bandages over the answering machine thing. So he gets in the car and he calls their answering machine at the house to explain to Leia that she'll wake up and get this message. He's explaining that he's going to be gone for the day, you know, toppling the world or whatever. Everything is okay. Yeah. It's okay.

Yeah. And he's driving along and we listen to him or we watch him listen to his own message. I guess before approving it, you think it's one of those ones where it's like not. I didn't like that one. I'm going to retake it. I'm going to try it again. But he, I guess, lands on whichever one. He leaves the message.

And then we see him walking on to the desert. And he's looking around being like, all right, where would I find a ghost and a magical book? Probably over this way. And he does. He finds him. It's actually three ghosts. And they disappear right when he gets there.

Jim, his wife, and someone else? Obi-1-Kennobi. Oh, yeah. Okay. it's the ghosts of the people who have died so far plus the original one. Correct, yeah. Okay.

Oh, wait. Oh, shit, is it? Wait. I'm so much dumber for having seen this movie. Oh, yeah. It kind of played, though, like the ghosts just really didn't like Neil and they're like, oh, it's Neil.

Everybody phase out, phase out. Neil Green, Neil Green. They get back to hell and they're like, oh, it was so scary up there. Yeah. It was so scary up there. Neil Breene was up there, and he looked like someone wrapped You ever see a mummy that they unwrapped on like a TV show? You looked like that.

Wait, or was the third ghost, Dr. Andra? Because we see her disappeared. She's been wearing this. No, she's in a separate room disappearing by herself, baby. Separate disappearance. She's not in the ghost. Not all ghosts to know each other, you big it. Oh, my cousin's a ghost.

You know my doctor? Yeah, exactly. Thank you. No, but like, seriously, which astral plane are you from? Like, which one of you from? Not you're not, come on. How come there's so much ghost on ghost violence? Why don't they ever protest that?

I'm Katie from Real World Family. Angela, make the t-shirt. Angelou? Please don't. Angelou make the t-shirt. Have a real life. No one who comes on the pod wants to have a real life anymore. Okay, so the ghosts phase

away while he's standing there in the desert. The book and the pedestal were also there and they phase away. And then he goes to see Dr. Andra but there's a post-it on her door that says Dr. Andra no longer here. And then we see her

phase out from inside of her office. Like the class has been canceled for the day. Oh God. It's so good. I feel like Neil finds out that his friends are imaginary on a regular basis. But I think what they're saying is that the second therapist was, in fact, the ghost the whole time, maybe. I think, I thought she was his id for a while, like, just come to, like, he conjured his aid into reality. And it's an old woman in a velour dress and a blue closet sitting in a folding chair.

Eli has a very strong thoughts about their folds. You guys are, her fucking wrinkles divide physics. And everyone's going to watch that movie and be like, Eli, you were right. You were unafraid to tell the truth. But since you all are so good. Like Katie talking about ghosts on ghost violence. Don't you dare. On her new Tumblr.

That is my sidekick. Ghost smell different. Dot katyambulist.com. I quit this show. I don't even work here. Listen, you guys are real good at explaining everything. You're getting all your explains out, right? Right, right?

So why does the shoe ghost get blood on it and or jam? Okay. Why does that happen? Great question. So that's what we see later this night, I believe. We see Black Shoes Ghost walking around the house again, jiggling a few more paintings. Yeah. And then a bunch of blood pours onto his shoes.

And I like to imagine this as just some sort of ghost demon being like, fuck. I got a kind of nosebleed. I'm going to come back on this later. I got to stop doing so much Coke. Okay, wait, I just realized something that I had missed the entire movie that I thought those were Neil Breen's shoes. No. Because he keeps, there's all those shoe shots early on. I thought he just thought he was being artistic.

No, these are the ghosts shoes. It's a ghost. Oh, it's the ghost. Are you sure? Well, no, I want to defend the misapprehension here because when he phases through the wall, we get a shot of Neil Breen's shoes that is identical to ghost shoes that we've been seeing throughout the movie. Oh, I'm not saying that it's not the exact same shoes. I'm saying that man is representing two different characters,

much like he is music editor, caterer, caterer, director. It's all in the performance, Katie. If you weren't so busy writing mean comments on, stop, people's death announcement. For your local paper. I'm a human being. Tell him that, it's going to get worse. Tell him you're a ghost.

That's what I've been doing this whole time. I'm just self-loating. Okay, so we see the bloody shoes and then we cut. Then it's the next morning. And Leah and Neil, they wake up and they find a sparkly gold tassel from the bookmark in that huge book. It's just laying on top of their bed. And Neil's like, oh, no, it's, it's, it's, Well, our friend left him for us.

I think he probably got a nosebleed. He had to take off, but this is a sign. And it's the sign to him that he can go ahead and expose the world with his hacking now. So we get a press conference in front of the National Archives Building in Washington, D.C. That he walked to. Which means Neil Breen, the guy, the novelist, he called somebody. He was like, hello, press. Is this the press?

I want to do a press conference to explain my hacking bombshell. I'd like it to be in front of the National Archives building. I like that there were no extras to be the press either, so it's just like a bank of microphones and nobody's behind them. It's all the same. It's all in short S&85s or whatever. It's also in front of a green screen

and sometimes parts of his hair disappears. Seven of the same palm tree. Yeah. And he gets up to the mic. And he's like, hello, today, I hacked the everything. And he says exact words, I've discovered more information than any hacker has ever. And we get a reaction shot from what is the government, the powerful people. The bad guys.

The bad guys. All the bad guys have gotten there together. Have a reaction shot. And we see them being like, wow, okay, that's. He really got us. We've got us this time. Yeah, yeah. We're done so.

And now it's time for them. Now it's time for my best worst. And the best, best thing that's ever happened in the history of cinema, everyone's going to do a little apology and then kill themselves in more funny ways escalating. Suicide isn't funny, but this is so fucking funny to me. You actually cannot say suicide isn't funny because this scene exists. No, you're right. It's cognitive dissonance I'm having.

I'll go to the head of one of those charities. and look them in the eyes playing the scene on an iPod, touch, and be like, and they'll be like, okay, we'll change all the signage that says suicide is almost never fun. Yeah. So we get like a CEO getting up to the mic and being like, wow, all right, yep, you got us. You got us. We were greedy.

He says, wait, can I read his line verbatim? Please. Money, payoffs, and greed were the priorities of my company. Who's clapping? When he says I hacked the planet or whatever earlier and you're just like, yay, hacking, he did it. Who is clapping? It's at the national ball watching.

Yay, it's me, Neil Breen. Right, so the CEO is like, okay, so you got me, I will now shoot myself right here. He takes out a gun and we hear the silliest, like a slide whistle. Piqu! And nobody. response from anybody.

No. In this. The speech is continued. Right. Again, my best worst. Yeah. Yeah. A senator gets up and he's like, okay, I'm going to go.

Can you slide the body out of the way? Can you slide? I kind of thought my suicide would be this big, terrible, shocking thing. But now I'm the second one. Yeah, right. So he resigns as senator. And he's like, I'm probably going to hang myself in, I don't know, maybe Neal's house later as I'm picturing now.

and that's what we're watching as this is happening. We see Neil smile for a second as this guy describes it. And then, yes, we get a montage of all these other people. I and other insurance companies. Are you an insurance company? Yeah, an insurance, doing an escalating series of suicide montage. So what Neil Breen presupposes is that when Bud Dwyer shot himself, there was just a line of other people waiting to commit suicide.

But they're going to go home and do it in their bathtub. in their work clothes with no water. With a steak night. With no water. Yeah. Okay. When there was no water in the tub, I laughed again. And I like, you know why?

Because they don't know how to close a fucking drain. You know what? This is just a nice place to sit while I have some whiskey and a whole bunch of pills in this tub. I don't want to get wet, though. Yeah. Oh, God. Okay. But then all of a sudden, we see a sniper in the bushes.

Oh. When the bushes appear on scream, they're sort of plowls. freak. And, okay, the sniper pushing the bushes out of the way to stick his gun out was so fucking loud. So the sniper sticks the gun out, but then the

sniper gets sniped somehow before he can take a shot or after he takes a shot. Who? I think it's after he takes a shot. I think what the movie is saying, tell me if you think you have a better theory, I think the movie is saying that the sniper fired and then Neil Breen

using his magical D6 rock power made the the bullet do a U-turn and just spin back and hit the sniper. Oh. He deflegged them. I believe you because he does after the man is dead look over in his direction.

Yeah. He looks pleased with himself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. You're right. Got him. Wow. Did I do that? Okay. So that was Neil Brean's grievances being addressed by that

montage. And he ends his address to the nation with I did my research now you do your words. Act on your own. What do you want these people to do? Actually the final thing in his speech. And then we close it out with Neil and Leah walking in the desert and hugging. And then we get a little flashback to them

as kids doing the same thing. We see Neil Breen's face again, extreme close up. We hear an elephant trumpet noise, I think. Maybe. Yeah. Maybe it was about that elephant story that never happened. Maybe there's a callback.

And then God rips some more cotton and blows it out across the Yeah, then we get another cloud ghost. The end. Perfect fucking movie. So good. Right? You can't not slow clap. All right. Do you picture something?

You got to be careful. She's turning into the joke. Don't interrupt. Is it the laughter? turns into higher and she pulls away her skin makeup and it's white underneath. Why did all their friends die? Katie, just a quick question. Why so serious?

All right. Last thing. Before we wrap it up, if you could put Neil Breen in charge of the next installment from an existing franchise, what would you pick for him? Trolls. Oh, no. trolls too is so good Marley and me

okay different direction love it now that makes me him to pick up the Milo and Otis franchise just to see how many dogs

and cats he could take out yes he can eradicate pets from this earth all right before we brainstorm too far that's gonna do it

for fateful findings but that's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we found another terrible movie Eli what's on deck. In a sun-scorched post-apocalyptic world, largely bereft of water, a group of youthful orphans, including Jason and Tara, spend their time playing a hard-hitting hockey-like game

and defying an authority known as the protector. Okay, it'd be amazing if it was adult orphans. Youthful orphans, okay, got it. When Daniel, one of the younger orphans, discovers a strange sphere, It leads to a struggle between good and evil after the scheming Dar Star swipes the powerful arm. We'll be watching Solar Babies. Fantastic.

All right. With that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 540 to a merciful close. Big thanks to Katie and Allen for joining us. So if anybody's new, where can they hear more from you? No, I'm the sidekick. You go. How dare you.

You could find us at Wairwolfambulance. has links to everything. We have a Patreon. We do a weekly podcast, most weeks, and T-Public, if you want to search Wargo Fambulance and see T-Town of Justin Gray's amazing T-shirt art that he's made for us.

We're doing a new action movie this month, and I think Ace Ventura Pet Detective is currently winning on our action movie. Oh, shit. Wow. I never look at it. 90s movies are perfect. Don't go back and check.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure there's no transphobia. Not at all. Also, if you're a British, crime drama fan. We also have a third podcast called Nice One Made where we're rewatching the entire series of Line of Duty. No one is listening to it.

Okay. Oh my God. I want to come. Can I come be on an episode? Absolutely. You have to watch a single episode of Line of Duty. I've seen every episode of Line of Duty and I'm ready to revisit. You're in.

It's only available on our Patreon, but yes, you can absolutely join us. The show itself. Yes. No, the podcast. Nice one, mate. We put line of duty completely on our Patreon. We don't want to get sued. They were actually fine with it.

They were like, yeah, take it. All right, check it all out. And speaking of Patreon, big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity. If you'd like to help support the show, you can make up our episode donation at patreon.com slash godawful, and that I'll get your early access

to an ad-free version of every episode. And if you enjoyed this show, sure, check out our sibling shows, The Skating Atheist, Citation Needed, The Skeptocrat, and D&D Minus available in all the podcast places. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions,

you can email godawful movies at gmail.com. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Drafts on Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Katie, Allen and Eli, I'm Heath.

Promise to work hard, turn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the American graffiti clothes. Everyone in Neil Breen's life moves away and changes their name and phone number and deletes all their social media so as to never be associated with him. Neil Breen has thrown the world into turn because he ran out of other things to throw.

We learned that solar babies might have been a prequel to the Breeniverse. Neil Breen remains blissfully unaware of what anyone thinks of him. He's so genuine, right? It's 100%

Yamba Bambas, Eli. Yomba Bamba. I have to get back on a dating scene. It's better when you're saying Yamba bomb us. I like to plant little Katie seeds every time you're on so that people think you're just in psychosis. That's cool. I like that. Thank you. Go check out Weirwolf ambulance and be like, well, I wonder what she's going to call tits this week. I do have a lot more. I mean, you're not wrong. You're right. You're right. I'm the last doctor.

All right. We got interstitial two. I like that every time we're on this show, somehow pedophilia comes up. I don't know if that's us, you, what's happening there? It's the world. You don't know if the guy who bought us boy cum agreement. Yes. But what who's doing this or not? We've got our first meeting.

It did like the first five minutes of our first meeting. I love him. What? I'm sorry. Am I supposed to say cattle prod? Cattle prod. Yeah. Okay.

Go ahead. Like a Pokemon attack. I don't. Okay. Starting from what? What would you say while you hit someone with a cataprod?

I didn't know if you wanted me to try to make the sound. Oh, yes, to ball. Morgan, see if you can throw in a cataprod noise right after it's yelled. That goes on the only fence. Come on.

Are we ready? Yes. And he also very angrily yells and this can't hear us. He yells, he yells, I have a damn master's degree in computer science and I'm, I write fucking novels.

This is my job. He's sad about it. Heath, can you hear us now? Oh, he can't hear. Oh, no. Poor Heath. I just messaged him. We can hear you, but you can't hear us.

I thought he was just rudely talking over us. I thought so, too. I was like, kind of bulldozing through there, buddy old girl. Let the room breathe, bro, Bray. Okay, I will say, though, this happens to Heath on a pretty regular base. and the worst it happens is when Heath does a joke. And he'll just be like, like a penguin.

Fuck. Guys? No. Anybody? Hello? I feel so sorry for him in that moment. I know. It's really, I have, I want to make a montage of recordings of just

Heath being cut off and not knowing. Am I back? You are back. Can we hear you? I hear Eli, I think. Can you hear me? I heard Katie, yep. Okay. All right.

Excellent. Great. I'm just going to restart Zencastor. I stop. Oh, no, no, no. Sorry. I'm skipping. I think Emily calls.

Right, right, right. That's why I have the note. Emily invites Hest and Tits over for dinner. Yeah, yeah. Right, right. All right. Sorry, Morgan. Let me introduce the next thing a little bit better.

That's also how Alan has me and my wife saved him this on. Yeah, tits. That's how I have you saw it's saving there. Oh, did we lose you guys? No, I'm still here. I just thought we had a nice little pause from Heath there. I think we did lose Heath, though. Oh, there it is.

Okay. I thought for a second, Heath was just really enjoying that laugh at all there. I thought there was going to be four more seconds of pause and he was going to be like, you guys are my best friends. I thought he thought I was calling him a stupid mor. I got really scared. No, Heath by you. I'm actually pretty smart, Ellen.

Do you know? I do the New York Times Crossword. Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. I'm a Monday, boy. Thursday's basically Saturday. If you think about it. Keith and his wife do crosswords at breakfast,

and sometimes I'm there at their breakfast because I'm their afterlife punishment. And it's like they've released a monkey. Hey, have they moved in yet? Together yet? Sure haven't. I love that. Separate spaces.

It seems really nice. Whatever you got to do. I never want to live with someone. Too late, Katie. I'm already moving in. She said someone. Not you. You're the monkey unleashed in the kitchen. Exactly, yeah. Is that your dog banging the door?

No, that would be Charlotte arranging her office. My wife. My wife. My wife, she's all tied up. She has to pee again. No more Fortnite for you, Missy. my son is super into Minecraft and because my wife is an amazing parent,

she builds him just incredible things while he sleeps. And so he thinks the way Minecraft works is you log in every morning and a new castle is there or a roller coaster or a water park. And this morning he logged in and he was like, Minecraft's broken and I was like, oh no, I'm an idiot.

So tonight while he slumbers, I, a truly incapable farce of a human. I'm going to be like fucking brick go dare. My child is also very into Minecraft and watches adult men playing it on YouTube, which I've had to put a stop to. No, no, no,

yeah. But it is really hard. It's going to take you set aside some time. No, I hate it. I hate it so much. Because Anna can do everything off the dome. She can do like redstone and shit. And she's like, well, no, it's just like a power line. And I'm like, what makes you think

that would help me come to an understanding. I would just tape a bag of Fritos to the TV and hope my kid would get confused. Dead Freedos! God, I wish I woke up to Frito's tape to my television. Oh, that would be the best. I wouldn't even care that a stranger had been in my house and done it. No, you've taken something?

First it's Frito time, then we solve the mystery. It's been a horrible year. We've all had horrible years, but when you guys were talking about friends, you can have a fight with. I was thinking of my friend Pye, who has stage four, breast cancer. She's like 38 years old.

But we went on a trip and we ate mushrooms on the plane, which we probably shouldn't have done. Amazing. And she was in a wheelchair at the time because she had broken her femur. And so we had been fighting about whose weed pen

was the one pen that we had between us. So we're like yelling at each other in the airport. And it somehow devolved into me being like, why don't you pick it up off the ground then? you can't. And her being like, somebody help me.

We're just like raccoon-eyed, insane. Amazing. Luckily, she's just Australian, so help had way too many. Hopefully I'm back. Yeah, it's so good. Somebody who helped me. This woman came over and she's like,

is everything okay? And we're like, oh yeah, this is a bit we do. No. This content is scanned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm to their hotline at 617249455 or on their website at creator accountability network.org. This podcast is a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC and was created without the use of generative AI.

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