God Awful Movies - 541: Solarbabies

Episode Date: January 27, 2026

This week, we dive into the better-forgotten 1986 post-apocalyptic roller skating spectacular, Solarbabies. Cara Santa Maria joins us to send Secular Movie Month out with a bang.Check out more from Cara on the Talk Nerdy podcastTo see us live in San Francisco, click here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-san-francisco-california-tickets-1976632374642If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawfulCheck out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus.Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

While they're doing their purple circle jerk thing, Dar Star is watching on from afar, right, with his owl. So then we cut to Darstar stealing bow-eye. God damn it, man. Doing a fucking thing. Also, you're an owl. Why would you call? Sorry. I mean who.

I mean who. That was like a pigeon you just did. Sorry, sorry. I have many things. A god-awful movie. Movies. Welcome back to the Gamecast, where each week we sample another selection

from Christian cinema unless we don't, which we don't this month. I'm your host, No Illusions, and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend Heath-Nright. Heath, welcome back. We got roller skates. I'm very excited.

It's a roller-skirts movie. I'm wearing them right now. And Eli's off this week, but in his stead, we're excited to welcome back the host of the Talk Nerdy podcast, Kara Santa Maria. You think that I am in Eli's stead.

You think that I could fill in on this show for Eli Bosnia. You didn't even write the sketches, I know, right? You got to sad it up a little bit. Okay. Yeah. So tell us, Heath, other than Eli's ego, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Solar Babies. All one word doesn't make.

any sense, but that's the fucking title. It's called Solar Babies. It's the story of a rag-tag band of roller skating post-apocalyptic orphans and their quest through each stereotype from the village people, I'm pretty sure. As a town. That is what we want. And they make it through that. Yeah. We'll tell you how. Wow. Yep. And Kara, how bad was this movie? Well, if you are obsessed with stranger things, but wish it had worse acting and worse effects, but way more roller skates, then you will love this movie.

And honestly, I did kind of love this movie. I didn't hate this movie. I wasn't mad at this movie. This was charming. It's fucking terrible, but yeah, yeah, no, I enjoyed it. But it's terrible in the like, every movie from 1986 is terrible. Yeah, well, right.

Terrible, amazing potato. Yeah. Sorry, so is there anything you guys want to nominate this one being the best, it would be on the worst hat? I think it had the best worst owl. Okay. All right. I was quite fine to the owl, but we'll get to them. So I had, man, I kept changing my answer on this, right? Like, there's so many good ones to go with. But ultimately, I landed on best, worst, selective efforts at future speak. Right? So like, mostly people just talk normal in this movie, but once in a while, the writer will be like, fuck, it's the future.

And it'll add weird future worse. So like, like, just randomly. somebody will be like, you know, if you listen to me, kids, you'll have a good life grid. What? Yeah. At one point, they just decided they're putting the letter E in front of stuff. Yes, yeah. Because it's the future. We're going to dissect that at length.

You know, the environment is bad. So it's like eco, everything's eco, whatever. So it's E whatever. Is that what it stands for? I think it's, eco. Yeah, there's E-Cops. There's the E-Police. And I think it's the eco-police.

But you're just guessing, right? Because there's the eco-warriers are the bad guys. I thought, I thought they were. anti-eco. I don't know. All right. Oh, I thought the eco warriors were like the good guys that we're going to meet near the end. Yeah, yeah. No, they're the good guys to us. Yeah, yeah, the good guys to us, but the bad guys to the protectorate. Yeah. The protectorate wouldn't want to use the same prefix. Right. Right. Right. I'm also, you know, a little bit sympathetic to the protectorate.

We'll get to it. We'll get to it. Oh, okay. All right. Do you have a best worst before we do? Yeah. I'm going to go with best worst orphanage uniforms. Post-apocalypse. orphanage prison uniforms. So at some point, they put that together. It's a post-apocalypse. There's supposed to be like a nuclear scenario or something like that. And there's an orphanage prison, and they had to get uniforms for it. So they were like, okay, we've got these, you know, matching blue, tattered boatneck t-shirts for everyone.

But can we add a pop of color? I think they were like pastel tie-dye. Yeah, yeah, there's a little bit of that. And then somebody was like, pop a color. I think it needs a pop. How about stripy glyph down the front? And that's what they landed on. And that's what we get.

Looks pretty sharp. All right. Well, I think we need to take quick break for some laser tag and some big league chew. But we'll be back in a minute with the aggressive half assery that is. Solar babies. And then, you know, with his wisdom bestowed upon the people in the earth fertile once more, he's freed from his material imprisonment and he fades back into our cultural memories. You know, it's like the whole thing is a metaphor about how our stewardship of the planet has gone south

and how we can look to native cultures to re-inform ourselves. Hmm. Love it. Great. Great. So you'll produce it? One small note. A tiny little change I think we could make to tweak the whole story and give it what it needs to succeed in the marketplace.

Okay. Just a tiny thing really, tiny. Uh-huh. Two words. Hit me. Roller skates. What? Roller skates.

That's what the kids are into these days, right? Yeah, absolutely. My kids are always asking to go to the skating rink. Exactly. The kids are always zooming around on roller skates these days. Sure. Yeah, I guess. I just, I guess I don't understand how they could factor into the movie that I'm talking about.

Right. Well, what if instead of like a prison prison, the whole place was more of like an orphanage prison? And the characters were all, you know, teenage orphans. Yeah. I guess. But like, why would they be on roller skates? Because kids love roller skates. Granted, yes.

But I mean, like this is a post-apocalyptic world. I don't, well, you know, I don't think they would have the resources to spare on roller skates. Plus, the whole thing takes place in a. desert wasteland. Yeah, that's perfect. I mean, deserts are flat. Flat is, like, great for roller skating. Perfect.

I just, I don't understand what anybody would be doing on roller skates in the story. Okay, that's a good point. So I guess we'd have to come up with a game they could play on the roller skates. Like, maybe. Ooh, lacrosse? Well, I was thinking hockey. Oh, oh. Okay.

La Crosse. Hockey. Yes. La Crosse idea. Oh my God. Okay. And maybe, hey, okay. Maybe instead of a wise old alien, Bodeye could be a ball that they could toss around with their hockey sticks.

Sorry, their lacrosse hockey sticks. Thank you. A ball? Yeah. So what do you say? Willing to make a few changes to the script? Sure. Hey, unrelated.

Have we discovered the dangers of lead paint yet? Sure. have. Okay. I'm going to eat some anyway. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up with a music and font that just screams. Don't expect much, guys. Oh, it's just yelling 1986 at us. We get like trumpet fanfare, but it's with a synth. So it's like 80s fanfare, it's a synth with a trumpet mouthpiece and somebody's just blowing into this. Right. It's great. Yeah. And I feel like back then, I guess people just like watched credits, huh? Oh, for three or four fucking minutes before there was any movie.

Nope, just a long list of names and some music. Oh, there's a movie coming any minute here, guys. Yeah. Of course, we have to address the Lost Boys pre-union. Jamie Gertz and Jason Patrick are both in this one. This was a year before Lost Boys came out. This gave us the Lost Boys. That's how important this work is.

A lot of producers try to get these two to fuck early on, I guess. I don't know, yeah. So I guess instead of being in their early 30s, they were in their early 20s. Yes, right, right, yeah. So, but then eventually the credits end, right? And then a narrator introduces us to this post-apocalyptic world. He is the warden of orphanage 43 of the wastelands, right? Yeah, we learn it's the year 41 because they have like new time now.

They redid time. And they hopefully started at zero, but it might have been at one again. but it's the year, now it's 41. That's really why we started it again because that was just so fucking dumb that they didn't have a zero. So yeah, he also tells us completely unrelated

that there's a legend that there's an alien called Bodai that has come to the earth to release the waters again. Because the earth doesn't have water now. Anyway, so then we cut this little kid and he's roller skating in the dark, right? Don't worry, he's got little flashlights

on the front of his skates. Man, those lights were fucking cool. I love that. Like, I was like, I was like hooked. Okay. Man, I wanted those cool skate lights. Well, yeah, like, like, as like undercarriage lights, they're great. But like as in seeing in front of you, they don't seem very practical.

Like, because when you roller skate, your feet are very rarely pointing straight in front of you, right? Not rarely, but. Right. With headlights, it seems like you'd go on head like helmet, you know? For a little bit better angle. But those are skate lights, God damn it. It's like, you know, when you turn. on the fog lights and you're just like, well, that didn't do anything.

Okay. We have these, but it didn't help. They work in the fog, Heath. In the fog. You have to turn them on in the fog. Also, I love this because, okay, so this kid is sneaking into this place where he's going to, like, turn the lights on so they can play a night game of their roller skating game or whatever.

But what he does is he skates along this metal railway and then he starts sneaking. He has a tiptoe on roller skates. There's so many. it's where they have to be like, glunk, glunk swam. It's the best. So, okay, so now this kid is Daniel. He's much younger than all the other kids in this way. Like, he's an actual kid, you know?

And there are no other children in the whole film. Nope, he's the only one. Yeah. Actually, wait, there are some in like other village people lands, but for some reason, this orphanage is an 18 and up orphanage. Right, except for this kid who is deaf, but he has, like, future headphones that allow him to hear anyway, right? Jordy LaForge style.

Just a whole bunch of kids in an orphanage dressed like a leather daddy in one of the different hands. So yeah, but he flips all the switches and turns on the lights for the roller hockey lacrosse arena. Right? And now all the kids come out. Now, like this, we have to point out that this is before

the like extreme sports revolution turns skating into a thing that had tricks in it. Right? So they all, nobody does anything. They just all skate out. They've got these little bowls and these little, you know, angled walls that they can skate on. But nobody just does anything with them. They just roller skate on.

Wait, wait. You want them all to be little Tony Hawks? Yeah. Yeah, that's what they thought they were doing. But that didn't even really exist yet. Certainly not for roller skates. Like, we hadn't even invented the technology of in line. Like the line technology of roller plates.

So what rollerblades were there. We just had gotten popular. I think they started in like 1979, 80, something like that. They had them and they didn't even use them. They're probably too expensive, man. That's a lot. That's a big skate budget. Why wouldn't they do roller blades?

When they made this movie. Because they weren't popular. They weren't popularized until later. Okay, they were just not popular because they made the movie. And they were like, okay, we're clearly just stealing Mad Max and fucking Dune. What if we add roller skates? Roller skates. But the thing is like the roller skates keep it kind of steampunk and like vintage and

cool. If they were roller blades, it would be. like that much more ridiculous, don't you think? I don't know that this could be more ridiculous, Karen. It would have like another layer of like duchery on top of it. Oh, yeah, no, it would be worse. Yeah, it would be worse. It's 1986 that augments.

Yeah. But they were like, yeah, for our action movie, you know that, you know that activity that makes almost everybody look really awkward the whole fucking time? Yeah. Let's add that. Was this an action? That's the other thing about this movie. Like, I thought it was like a cute.

whimsical, like, teen beat kind of movie, but it was rated PG-13. It was. We'll get to why. There's only one fucking scene that explains that, but we'll get to it. When was it inappropriate for a 12-year-old?

Exactly. I missed that. This should have been a G-rated movie. We'll get there. Okay. Yeah, because it's so, it comes so out of left fucking field in this otherwise G-rated movie.

Yeah. So, but all these kids, they skate out, they're going to play this hockey lacrosse game. But there's also another kid who's like just watching he skates along a fucking crane and just as you're like wow this movie is fucking ridiculous his owl joins him.

I laughed so hard. This one guy. And it's like a falcon. It's like a falcon owl. Yes. It's an owl in falconry gear. I wanted somebody to yell up and be like, why are you skating on that crane? What are you doing?

Oh, it's a falconer guy. It's cool. It's cool. It's cool. It's cool. everybody. Oh, he's always doing. Yeah, that's what he does. It's a weird shit. It creeps around with an owl. You know how we have a falconer at our orphanage?

Well, and that's the other thing, too, is that like this, eventually we're sort of going to address this character, but at this point, we think he's part of the game, right? Like, he's the ref or something, or the owl is. That would make sense. Or maybe this is an early quiddage type thing or something. I don't know. Yeah. Can I ask one other question about the hockey equipment here? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well, I guess lacrosse hot. La crocky, roller, lacrocky. Roller look rocky.

Roller look rocky. Why would the teams? So we see the teams. There's like two rival teams here and they skate out together. Why would the teams have all righty sticks or all lefty sticks? Well, because one is coming from stage right and the other is coming from stage left, Heath, obviously. Because medes are sinister, as you know. Oh, that's right.

The bad guys, the heels are left-handed. Oh, right. Because Sinestra is, yeah, lefty. Yes. Yes. And like, notice I did, you know, it's for the choreography of the warm-up part. 100% it was for the choreography. You're going to look stupid if some people are righty, some people are lefty while you do your warm-up intimidation thing. And like, did they switch out sticks a lot?

Because in the game, they're playing lacrosky. La Crocky. But later in the film, they just have hockey sticks mostly. Mostly, yeah. It seems to depend on what they need to do with them at the moment. It's whatever the, you know, the person had in their garage that day of shooting. Yes. Yeah.

So, but also, okay, so the two teams come out. One is wearing suits of armor. These are the scorpions. They're the bad guys. What the fuck does that have to do with suits armor? And the other is dressed with like very patriotic, red, white, and blue stars on the shoulders thing. Their team name is the solar baby. It's better than the butter churners.

I don't know that it is. care of. Okay, nobody likes solar babies. We've been arguing for a while. What about sun babies? No, man, stop saying babies at the end of our team. So the evil knights, the evil scorpions say to the good solar babies, they go, we challenge and Jason Patrick goes and we accept, right?

And then they play La Crocky. Yeah, with rules because. Jason Patrick called it. You have to call with rules. And then there's rules. But then there wasn't rules, right? Because the guy knocks him down. He goes, that's a foul.

And he goes, no rules. And he goes, okay, no rules. And I'm like, well, if there's no rules, I just declare myself the winner and I go home, right? The rule is that I want, you know, what? Right. It has to be some rules. Okay. I will say one rule that appears to be true in this game is there's only one goal for both teams.

Right in the middle. Yeah. And it's right in the middle. And it does like a mouse trap kind of cool marble thing. Yeah, right, right. It's like a basket up high. Yeah, well, and then when it hits the bottom, there's a thing that spits the ball in a random direction or whatever.

I think it's cool, man. I would play this game. Yeah, I'd give it a go. No, I would clearly play this game. I wouldn't do a lot of skating around the edge of the area because that's nothing. It feels like you want to stay in the center quite a bit. Especially if you're on defense, you wouldn't, you know, go out there. That wouldn't really help anything.

No, that does not help at all. What I love is because, you know, obviously we're getting stunt people doing most of the work here, but there is one moment where Jamie Gertz has to pass the ball to Jason Patrick. And it's the saddest little, like one foot little, that little pop that she did. And you know that took a hundred fucking takes for them to get that ad all. But it's just this ginger it. Like, you know, they're slinging it all the way across this way and that way. And then they have to toss it one foot.

And they're like, oh, oh, shit. Okay, got it. Yeah. None of these actors can skate. So all they can do is like a little bit. I think maybe Jamie Gertz might be the only one who can skate a bit. Sort of, yeah. She does everything for the team in this action moment.

And she, like, is going right towards the goal. And then she's like, okay, Jason, I'll give you this tiny little sad pass. So you can score like Vladimir Putin. Here you go. And I'm glad you guys bring this up because we've been talking about Jamie Gertz, whose name in the film is Tara. Terra, yeah. As though we've seen her from the beginning.

This is sort of the beginning. but like I just discovered that there was a girl in this movie when she like takes off her helmet at some point. Right. She is the only girl in this movie other than an evil woman and a bunch of sex objects. Yep. Like literal sex slaves.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because she's a sex object. But yes, then they have actual sex. Yeah. Yeah. She's like a multi-dum.

But it obviously doesn't pass the Begdell test. She never speaks to another woman ever in the whole film. I don't know that there's another named female character. Yeah. I will say Jamie Gertz's hair should really count as a second character. Her banks are the size of the frame at every moment. Oh, they are 1986, yes. Oh, yeah.

And I just, I know I'm skipping ahead, but there's a scene later where she finds herself in the boy's dorm and they're like, you can't be in here. And I'm like, do they keep her in a tower? There are no other women in the orphan. Where does she live? You get desert hammock. We just have one. I guess.

All right. But then right in the middle of the game, just as the solar babies start to gain an advantage, the cops show. I'm sorry, the e cops show up. The little kid Daniel

who's watching over top of the deaf cat yells, scramble e-cops. And then the e-cops say, this is the e-police. And I'm like, you just say police, man. I don't know what the E's there for, but like you're the only police.

Yeah, we all have an intense, like, argument in our notes about what the E prefix is. So you think it's ECO. I think it's eco, like the E. Co-Warriers and then the E-Co cops, yeah. But they would be anti-E-Co. They'd be the A.E. Cops, right? Right, but it's the perfect propaganda. It's like the Department of War, peace, whatever, you know?

Right, right, right. Yeah, because, like, they wouldn't have been electronic. Nobody was using E for electronics back then, right? No, no, I don't know what the fuck it was. I kept expecting at some point for them to tell us, but they never did. They do have laser guns. They do, because it's the future. Yeah.

So, yeah, so the e-cops show up and they're just like, they're like, everybody stands still so we can arrest you. And then everybody runs away, right? Yeah, they literally say hold for immediate restraining action. Yes. Well, if we're holding, you don't have to restrain it. That's stupid. That doesn't even make sense.

Right. But they all try to run away as in skate away. And I was like, okay. So they're all going to skate into the desert and hit the sand. And it's going to be really funny. I kept expecting that to happen. Yeah. So when they leave, so it's only the solar babies that are trying to get away, right?

The scorpions are okay. They're on the cop side apparently. The e-cop side, sorry. Yeah. But then the cops start shooting at them. Don't worry. They have stormtrooper aim. And the kids escape.

But the thing is, is that, like, they're so fucking slow. Like, these kids can't really go very fast because it's these actors, right? They're not very good at this. So they're escaping so slow, like a swift jog would catch up to any of these kids. Yeah. Yeah, luckily there's a secret tunnel system in their orphanage prison with very nicely paved floors. I've got to pave the floors of your-Rivalous skate away. Sewers. Keep them nice and smooth. Yeah, even the tunnel-y parts. Like the parts that are big circular tunnels, there's like, oh, and we'll put a little flat part on the bottom.

that's nicely paved, you know, for the water to have good footing on the bottom of the tube. Make sure there's a lot of headroom in there. So, yeah, but all the good guy kids get away. But the bad guy kids have to, you know, stick around and get chewed out by the movie's main bad guy, stricter grok. God. I was wondering, did Elon Musk name his evil AI after this man? Oh, interesting. It is so very possible.

This is Elon Musk's favorite. movie. It makes me uncomfortable because I kind of liked it, too. So, okay. So, but then we're reminded how terrible roller skates would be for escaping, right? Because now we cut to Daniel, the little deaf kid, and he's in a mine. Like the tunnels have led him to this mine. And he's trying to walk through a mine shaft on roller skates.

Yeah. So it will not be the last time when we were in this movie like, wow, on roller skates no less. But yeah. And it's a mine shaft. So there's like, you know, tracks for the mind carts. And I was like, oh, they're going to grind so many rails. No.

No, they will not. They will just awkwardly walk a whole lot of this movie with skates up. They don't even ride. Like there's like a little like cart on the tracks. Yeah. That sort of goes really fast and busts through a wall. And I'm like, man, everything in 80s kids movies looks like cool roller coasters. Right.

But they don't even use it that way. And they never use it. I was so mad. Well, I wrote my notes. I'm like, Diddy Kong, did he jack shit with that. Yeah, so but. Mind cart carnage. Come on.

Right. But the mine cart breaks through, as Caras says, breaks through a wall and that opens up a spot in the mine that's like brand new, right? So Daniel goes to check it out and he finds a magical ball of glowing light. Yeah, it gave me Mormon movie month flashbacks. Oh, yeah, right? Well, you know what they say when you find a glowing ball buried deep beneath the earth? Pick it up with your bare fucking hair.

You're not definite. anymore. Oh, yeah, no, the thing you said. But also, you're not deaf anymore. No, it cures his deafness, which is great. Which they had to tell us because we didn't know he was deaf. You'd have to be paying a lot of fucking attention to have picked it up. Yeah. Yeah, he's just wearing headphones.

We don't know they're his hearing headphones. Well, when they first show him with the, like the tarantula, when he's trying to turn the lights on, we get that sense. Again, if you're paying a stupid amount of attention. Well, I did because I put pausing in the fucking movie. That's fucking hindsight. I have to, so, so, see my notes. But the movie almost acknowledges that we weren't really following it,

and they kind of knew that. So they were like, all right, have him yell, echo, echo, echo. I can hear now somehow, somehow, somehow. Well, even though he's been, like, just a second ago, he was hiding from the e-police that were chasing. We could hear them in the minds chasing him. And now he's like, I can finally hear! Yeah.

And somehow he adapts to his new hearing very quickly. Yeah, he's all right. I don't know if you guys know much about sort of the neurology and psychology of regaining or gaining for the first time a sense. You just immediately become perfectly fluent with the new organ that you have working. And even though he was wearing sort of like these external cochlear implants, he says multiple times they didn't work anyway. Yeah, right. So like he can just hear now and somehow life is not like noisy and overwhelming. He's like, he's just like smile stupidly.

with it. He just thinks it's pretty, pretty fucking sweet. So then we cut to all the other kids. They're still skating away, right, with their little headlights on their little skates. And they're, they're a little worried about Daniel, but not worried enough. No, they're worried after the fact. They're not worried while they're getting away. Right. They get back to their prison orphanage and they're like, hey, where's Daniel? And they're like, yeah, he's probably already here. We should not check or anything. Just go to bed. So, but then they have to, they get the, they're just in time for like roll call, like prison roll call at the prison orphanage.

Yep, that was lucky. This is the first time we see Heath's best worst. We see everybody rocket near uniforms. Yeah, they're pretty great. And it's pretty cool that in this post-apocalypse world, they were able to get like perfectly matching everything. They really put some effort into it. Yeah, yeah, right, exactly.

They want to be cheap about it. And then this is where we see that it's like, you know, whatever, this entire prison is like 306 boys and Jamie Gertz, right? It's like a fucking smirmer. village over here or something. It's like the Google campus. Yeah. James D'Amour gets it,

am I right? Come on. So then we cut to Daniel. He gets back and he's got to stash his little magic glowing ball before he goes to roll check. Now, the movie assumes that we're just going to get it, right? But they never establish any reason why he would hide it.

I don't. Right? Like all he knows about this magic ball is that it can cure deafness. Yeah, he's a little kid. He found a secret. Okay. That doesn't bother me. Pretty cool device. It gets worse and worse as we go. He has a safety deposit box. So that's cool. He puts it there. Yeah. Like he happened to have this empty chest that perfectly fits a glowing orb.

But I have to say, this is the point in the script, by the way. So everybody who is, you know, going to peel back the curtain a little bit, we write notes. right? We write notes as we're watching the movie. And this is the first time I've ever done this with you guys where every word is spelled correctly, first of all. I was like blown away. But I also notice I love, is it you, Noah, who titles each scene? Yes. Uh-huh. So this scene he called Daniel in a shed or something.

Yeah, right. Yeah, this is, we're eventually going to find out this is the kids' hideout or whatever. Yeah, this is where we're being introduced to it. Yeah. It's their orphanage common room. Yes, yeah. For the particular squad. The solar babies have their own little, like...

Clubhouse shed common room, yeah. Or something. Or something. So he puts the ball in the box or whatever in this, in his safe deposit box. He's like, hey, do I need to poke some fucking holes in the top of this? Or, you know what, I'm going to leave it cracked. I'll leave it cracked. Yeah, he leaves it cracked.

And so there's just like glowy shit spilling out of the box. Like, you're not hiding it anymore. Yeah, because like, this is now. the fucking pulp fiction. Oh, guys, that's what's in the briefcase from Pulp Fiction. It's Bodhi, the magical glowing ball. Okay. It's just a huge amount of light pouring out.

Some other orphan comes in and they're like, you know what, I'm going to, I'm going to Marie Kondo this area. This does not, I don't even know what this is. This doesn't get to July. I'll throw this magical item out. So, okay. So now it's time for us to meet the warden who is fucking two-time Oscar nominee Charles Durning. I mean, I buy it.

He's good in this. He's great. He's an incredible actress. All the actors of this movie are way too good for this fucking movie. This is a great actor. He's also like 90 years old and he's a pretty big, pretty pale white guy. And they're out in the desert of Spain is where they shot this. He's not having a good time.

Oh, my God. He's very sweaty. So sweaty. Every time we see him, he is so miserably sweaty. And the guy next to him is in a fucking. and leather get up, right? I actually referred to them. So Grock,

stricter Grock, I call him Nazi cop. Because he's, yeah, he's like in a leather, like Nazi stripper uniform, but it's baby blue. And then, so I call him Nazi cop

and I call the other guy, sweaty warden. Yes. Like throughout the script. That fits. Yeah. Oh, he's so sweaty and miserable. But they have to have their conversation

of like, you know, we have very different approaches to how we handle our prison orphanage, you know, the warden has a heart of gold and just wants the kids to have the best life grid they can have. Yeah. He's like, yeah, so we're both evil and warden guys.

Like, not really. We're not exactly the same. You're the warden of a jail for kids. I run the police. We'll say tie, I guess. It's a tie. Yeah. But they do, they do one thing.

It comes up the name solar babies. And they're both like, it's so fucking stupid. Why would that be the name? Well, yeah, because he's there to tell him like, hey, you know, I saw some kids out there like playing La Crocky late at night after, you know, after sundown or lights out or whatever, you know. And he's like, and they were the solar babies. And then the movie has to grind to a halt and be like, what a fuck would they have chosen that name? And they never explain it, right?

So. Hey, also, I feel like you're kind of mad right now. Maybe you want to take off the leather suit, the three piece leather suit? It's the desert, man. But then the ensemble won't work. work anymore. Right? Thank you. Yeah. I love that he has a cravat too. Oh my God. He's got like an evil leather. He's got the most fabulous ascot I've ever seen. But then with this like ascot cravat thing. Yeah. Exactly. You want a touch of color. Yeah.

It's like silk. Yeah. It's like silk. Yeah. It's fabulous. Should I do a pocket square? That's too much. That's too much. That's too much. I'll just do this. So but the warden of course, he's got this little flower that he's giving some of his own drinking ration too so that he can grow one little flower in this terrible desert orphanage. And at this point, Grock gets mad at him. So he takes his stick, which has a magical flower wilting attachment to it. And he wilts the guy's flower. Told you the plant killing wand was going to be a cool attachment to the thing. He never uses that again.

You yell about my budget all the time. I am using it. I thought they were like sloppily setting something up here. No, no, we'll never see. No, they're just giving us more exposition in case we couldn't tell that he is the bad guy. Right. He's also anti-plant. Yes, he hates plants.

Well, he's the eco police. He polices the ecology. Okay. Okay. So speaking to ego, so now we're going to cut to the kids in class and the history teacher is explaining to him, you know, why they should fear the eco warriors. Mm-hmm. We don't get much of this propaganda there, right?

We just see it for a second because then the warden called. all of the solar babies to the principal's office. Was this where he condemns them to do some cubic meters? Yes. Yeah, they're going to get that as a penalty in a second. Yeah. But they all get called to like the principal's office. And everybody's like, ooh, I said the same thing to myself at the same time as everybody else.

So, yeah, so he'd choose him out for breaking out and going and playing La Crocky after dark or whatever. and as a punishment, yeah, he orders them to dig out 20 cubic meters of dirt. Yeah, so this is basically the movie Holes. Okay. We're just watching holes now. Also, I got to say, it's disappointing that it takes a nuclear apocalypse to finally go metric for us. At least we got there eventually. But ultimately, yeah, so they go to dig.

But meanwhile, we check in on Alton. kid. His name is Darstar. Darstar, the falconer that they have. Yep. Yeah. Al-Alkiner. The Al-Falconer. Dar-Star. And he's drawing mysterious circles in the sand. So we're meant

to think this guy's indigenous. Yeah, that's... Like, he has like, like a little brave. They want that to be true. Yes. I don't know if the actor is or isn't, but they do not portray it well. No, no, no. Throughout the movie. Yeah, they're just randomly appropriating Native American shit for this.

actor, yeah. 100%. Yeah. So we're supposed to see him and be like, ooh, he's got secret land magic. Yeah, well, and we should also point out that like the premise here is that all of these kids were taken when they were babies to this orphanage to be raised to like to grow up to be e-police, right?

So this is like their training program for the e-police. And none of them know where they grew up or where they're from. They all think that they're orphans or whatever. So the movie is also sending this message that, like, like, you know, the Native American-ness is just baked into him, right? So, like, he can, like, tap into his cultural ancestry of bird magic or whatever, just because it's in his blood. They've got genetic braids.

Don't you know that? Yeah. And, like, genetic feathers in them. Turquoise jewelry. Like, it just, like, appears on their body. And genetic hairspray and a genetic crimper that he's used also. Well, yeah, he's got a genetic crimper as well. And so the bad guy here, I love this part.

I love this part. Oh, my God. Okay, so what's the bad guy's name? I call him... Gayville? The Scorpions captain. Gavial. I call him young James Vanderbeek.

Okay. I almost wrote the same thing. I was like, that's Dawson. It's evil Dawson. It looks just like Dawson. Yeah. So bad guy Dawson, he calls... What's the bird charm or...

Yeah. What's the owl guy's name? Dars Star. He calls Darstar. He's like, that guy's a total moon. Yes. Got him. Oh, wow.

Well, yeah, so he's like called over some crows or whatever. And so Dawson kicks away the crows and Darstar slinks away. And then Dawson goes to sexually assault Jamie Gertz or Tara, right? Well, somebody play this scene with me. I want to be her and you be the guy. I have the lines right there. I don't want to sexually assault you care. I don't want to be that guy either.

You be her and I'll be the guy. What if I'm Jamie Gertz? You be Jamie Gertz. You be Jamie Gertz and I'll be Dawson. And the lines are just so good. Are you ready? Are you ready? Okay. And just keep in mind, you have a hex nut as an earring on one ear.

I do. I have a hex nut as an earring and a very blonde fohawk. Okay, here we go. Yes. Okay. Hey, Tara, I like the sweat. Get out, you creature of film. Hey, I just want to talk.

Maybe a little sexually assaults her. Hands on parlay. He literally says that while he goes, grabby, grabby, booby, booby. Yes. Right. The only good part is that Jamie Gertz takes her shovel or something and like almost stabs him right in the dick and is like, okay, ready to do a dick stab. I'm listening.

What else did you like to say to me now? Right. Oh, man. So okay. So good. So they all go to the hideout shed after they've moved all their dirt. Now, Daniel, at this point, they don't know about Magic Ball, right? So Daniel is like playing with Magic Ball and he like stashes it real quick.

And everybody's like, no, you know, he's just normally, immediately. closes that chest and sits on it when we walk in. No big deal. Hey, there's a bright light pouring out of the thing you just closed. Yeah, I'm sure it's nothing. I'm sure it's nothing. Is it a magical item that you're hiding from us that could solve everything, but you're still hiding it? Yeah. Uh-huh. Nobody seems to notice either that Daniel can fucking hear them. Right. Well, he's got his little hearing aids around his neck, right? He's not using them. And they're all like talking about him. And they're like, oh, he can't hear us anyway. He doesn't

have his ears on. But he's replying to everything. Yes. Right. Yeah. Exactly. nodding along. And then they start talking about how awesome rain would be and how they sure wish they lived back when it used to rain. To which one of the kids says, and I quote, you believe all that dog squeeze they teach us in class.

Dog squeeze. I miss that. Is this the same kid who says, before you guys get so over-amped over these pseudo factoids? Yes, yes. That's a, that's Metron. Metron. What a name.

Metron is the character's name. I had him down in my notes so many times as Mentos because I couldn't remember Metron. That kid is not a Metron. Did you have Metroid and Megatron in your head? Oh, there you go. That might have been it. Yeah. So, yeah, Metron, who, by the way, is like 41 years old.

Like, this kid is so much older than everybody else in this goddamn movie. So as they're all talking about how awesome, she starts reading a poem about rain, right? But do they use the word rain yet? Or did they just talk about water, sky water? And I couldn't tell you. I don't think they use the word rain. They might not have. Yeah.

Because something here bothers me, but continue and I'll point it out. Yeah. In this universe, they posit that you would just like forget the word rain and ice is a word that they don't know later because there's not much of that here. They've never heard of that. Yeah, but just as they're talking about that, they're like, oh, I don't think it used to ever really rain. But just then there's a thunder clap.

and then there's a lightning strike in the middle of the fucking room and then it starts raining this all metal shed yeah right and then sky yeah water comes out of the sky but they act like they don't know what it is they're like oh was that an earth shift

yeah right no they don't know about thunder yeah yeah and then and then water comes in through the roof and they go oh there's there's water coming in through the roof and they dance and they dance in it but don't collect any of it because no they're not in a huge fucking drought And then at the end, they start talking about, they literally use words like thunder, lightning, and storm. Yes, right. Oh, my God.

That thunder was intense and the lightning. Ooh, what a big storm. What is that rain again? Right. Right after they just said that they didn't know what thunder was. Yeah. It's like when you stop becoming deaf. It's like you immediately know the words once you see a thing.

Once you see it, yeah. Yeah. Well, also, so these poor fucking kids, they had to act enjoying water for way too long. It's raining. And they're like, oh, wow. rain and they're splashing and they're all having fun. But like the camera lingers for way too long and they're like, I am out of shit to do.

It's not really that fun. All right. We did splash fight and then end of list. What are we doing now? Okay. Just feel right. Feels like we're doing a video for umbrella right now and that was cool but like we're not very good. So but then the rain stops and Mentos.

He's like, hey, like that was a hallucination guys. That didn't happen. They're like we're still soaking wet and there's water on the ground. It's like total hallucination. And this is where they start to realize that Daniel can hear them now, right? Took him a while.

But he's like, all right, yes, I do have a magic glowing ball that cures deafness and makes storms inside. Should have mentioned it. Also, it's an alien. It's from a different planet. It's also an alien. Yeah. And I got to say, a lot of magical aliens go, they go straight for the caves of the southwest

in America. Right? In every story. So weird. So, but yeah. but they all swear that they're going to keep Bodai a secret, no reason given, right? And then they all head out to go to Skate wreck.

Skate wreck? Skate wreck. That's what they fucking call. Oh, God. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, we're as close to a plot as we are ever going to get, I suppose. So we're going to take a break there.

But we'll back in a minute with even more Solar Babies. Hey, you want to see me, boss? Yes. Warden Stormhouser have a seat. Yes, ma'am. So, what's up? Well, I wanted to talk to you about your budget. Sure, sure, sure.

Yeah. I know we're a little over on uniforms again, but those dusty conditions, we've always like... No, no. This is not about the uniform budget. Oh, okay. Well, I know what it is. It's the stationary, right?

I know we're supposed to be switching all the internal memos online, but like... No, no, no, no. It's not about the stationary budget either. Oh, really? What's the problem then? It's the roller skates again. Man.

Yeah, roller skates. Yeah, I just, look, we're in a post-apocalyptic wasteland and it's so hard to source hard rubber these days. And don't get me started on the logistics behind the bearings. Sure, sure. It's just that these kids have so little and skateball. It gives them something to focus their hope on. Okay, okay, I get that.

But there are other sports, sports that don't need. smooth sloped walls and a weird spinny ball chucker. Yeah, yeah. No, I get that. But if you could just see the way these kids' faces light up when they score a goal. Yeah, it probably looks a lot like it does when they score a goal in soccer, man. And that can just be played on a flat surface with normal shoes. Right, right.

But this is the future. Feels silly not to play a futury game in the future. Yeah, I guess that's true. Great. Great. So we're all good on the budget. Okay, there's just one other thing. I see that you had four full-time blacksmiths on the payroll for three weeks last summer. Last summer, yeah. So one of the skateball teams wanted to do suits of armor as their theme.

Come on, man. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action at Earth's Least Fund Skating Rink, as all the kids show up for skate wreck. And it's just a skating rink except there's like 306 kids. there so nobody can move. Yeah, there's no room. There's no room, which is probably best for everybody because they're all ankle benders, just like trying to go around the sides holding it.

Yeah, right, right. It is weird that they didn't at least get really good roller skaters for the extras, like for the background or something. You'd think. Yeah, ankle bender, that's the term for people who like just learned to hockey, hockey skater roller skate. Yeah. And, you know, like your ankles are collapsing and you're just kind of like walking on the

inside of your, You're the balls of your ankles as best you get. Did you notice? And this maybe speaks back, I think, Noah, to your best worst. But at one point, so this is being run by the e-police, right? Who are the bad guys. Yeah. Yeah.

It is sponsored. Use promo code e-cops to get your three months of cops. So the e-police is sponsoring, running this training session, I guess. And at one point, they're like, keep the bodular flow. Yes, what? Okay. It's insane. But wouldn't they be anti-Bod-B-D-Body?

Is that a Bodie term? You eat it right? Is Bodilur? I want Bodiler to be a word or bojeler or whatever. You think it was related to Bodie or just body? We can make it a word. Like Bodie, the alien or like the flow of your body. It was just like the...

I just know I was watching it with subtitles and they spelled it B-O-D-J-U-L-A-R. They did. Oh, interesting. I don't know. It's not where I'd have gone. Yeah. It's weird. It's like propaganda videos from the cops being blasted through this roller rink of kids. But the propaganda is, like you said, yeah, provided by like a yoga instructor being like, modular flow, join the authoritarian regime. Right. Yeah. There's an ICE recruitment video going on as he's saying that shit. A hundred. There are a lot of parallels.

Way too close. This is a very timely film. Yeah. Yeah. So, but while all of this is going on, the bully kid, what was it, Gavio? Yeah. We'll just come beak. Gavio decides to sexually assault Tara again, this time in order to provoke a fight with Jason, the leader kid. Yeah, he's just goading Jason by raping a girl in the corner. Yes.

He's like, watch this. And she's like, oh my God, you're raping me. Can't you just taunt him without this part? Can't you just taunt him verbally? That would work? It's an insane scene. Well, also, Jason just comes over and whips his ass like it's, nothing. Why would you be?

Yeah. So yeah. But with no hockey fight elements. Oh, interesting. Jason Patrick doesn't do like the shirt over the head or anything? No, nobody doesn't throw his gloves down. Nothing. Nothing. Because they don't play hockey. They play lacrocy. They play lacrocy. They didn't have any lacrosse elements in the fight either.

They're fighting. What is a lacrosse element? Anyone? They fight, don't they? Because what is lacrosse? I have no idea. was asked on the set of this movie. Somebody in the gut. We went to public school. Speaking of which, what is hockey?

We're doing too. I don't know any of this. You do too. You live in Michigan. Oh, no, yeah, I do. Yeah, he is. I'm from Texas. I don't know what hockey is.

So now, but so Jason, though, now he's beat up this guy. And so instead of like, you know, go into terror and say, hey, you know, you were just sexually assaulted for the second time today by this guy, you okay? He goes to brood in the shed about. how hard that was on him. Yeah. Well, it is 1986 and he is a white man. Okay. Disappointing for me,

they don't even skate couples during the session of skate back at the race. Well, that's because she's the only girl. I mean, it would just be fucking her and Jason with the whole fucking thing to them. But how does the one,

you know, awkward but slightly charming nerd who can skate backwards get to have his one moment in the sun if you don't skate couples? If you don't play November rain and skate fucking couples. Right.

Yeah, right. Exactly. November rain is a long one, too. Oh, yeah. It's like eight minutes. I remember from Saturday Night Plano. That's the one where the boy you were dancing with would put is his hands in your back pockets of your denim jeans shorts. Did you do the both crossed arms doing the back pocket thing? Both crossed arms. Yeah, you cross arms and like you have hand in their back pocket and they have one in your back pocket. Nice. Yeah, I was cool like that.

I wasn't cool like that. I don't know why I lied. I saw people do that. You saw people doing that. Yeah. You took detailed notes. I said it and I panicked and I was like, I didn't really do it. I'm never going to pull this up. I'm never going to bowl this. All right.

So, but Jason's talking to the ball now, right? And he's in one point he's like, he's like, I'm talking to a ball. This movie is dumb, right? But happy fun ball is, you know, like trying to explain to him. Like, so he's like the ball can talk to people, but all we hear. is this weird electric gurgling sound, right? But it's like R2D2, where he'll just the ball electrically gurgle

and everybody goes, no, that's a good point. You've just made happy fun ball, right? Yeah, and they get existential here. Yeah. They do. Like, shit gets real. Yeah.

Everybody stops being deaf if they were deaf and they're like fluent in gurgleys of magical world. So they understand. And yeah, Jason Patrick starts asking like, existential philosophical questions. And then he's like, I don't know. what am I really doing here?

What's my fate? Should I maybe be an e-cop? Is that a good thing to do? Should I join the regime? And Bodie in Gurgle has to be like, dude, ask better questions. I'm a magical thing that will solve everything. You just have to ask better questions.

Yeah. But eventually he looks inside and he sees like a vision of clouds and a building and eco-warriers roller skating for justice in the American way, you know. Yeah. We see a neon sign for a second. We see the eco warriors, some roller skating heroes, and a bunch of water somewhere and like a gleeful splash fight. Yep. So that's the vision.

That's the vision. It's the future or the past. But as he's having this reverie, it's interrupted when all the other kids show up, right? All the other solar babies. Because Mentos has brought a Geiger counter and wants to figure out if this fucking thing is radioactive, which seems like a great idea to me. No, he's a buzzkill. Right. Yeah, because Tara's like, oh, why you have to?

think it's radioactive just because it's a glowing rock we found buried deep beneath the earth. Also, I was really confused at this point because I was like, are there two J-Ster. So their crew is Tara, aka female Smurf. Jamie Gurds. Yeah. Lady Smurf, what's her name? Smurfette. Oh, Smurfette, thank you.

So we've got Tara, aka Smurfette. We've got the nine-year-old boy, who is now no longer deaf. Daniel. We've got Token Black guy. Rabbit. We've got Metron slash Mentos.

Yeah, this is the glasses kid, the nerd kid, the naysayer kid. And then we've got Jason, but then sometimes there's another Jason who looks like Jason

just less hot. Tug. Yes, that's Tug. Yeah. Oh. He got to pick his name last. Why would you cast two guys that are the same height

with the same haircut, with the same build, with almost the same face? Well, and the other thing, thing too is that like Darstar has that same face too. He just has different hair. Like the casting director had a fucking type. Yeah, we know it's Darstar though because of his braids. Well, right. Yeah. No, that's, yeah. Yeah, you can tell those two apart. But yeah. And also, Tug never does

anything in the movie. He does not. No, that's why I thought there was just Jason until this one scene where they throw, I think, the orb or something to himself. And that's what I realized. That's a different actor. Right. Yeah. No, that's it. Well, the reason of course that tugging as a character is because it would look silly if there were only four people on the La Crocky team. There's obviously five. But so, okay. But yeah, this is where they have the idea. They're like, hey, why don't we take the magic glowing ball that could solve all the world's problems and throw it around with our La Crocky sticks?

Duh. And I'm like, that's, guys, that seems like a fucking terrible idea. They just drop Bodie shatters end of movie. Yeah. Oh, why? Why do we even think that? be a good idea. Just an alien gurgling.

Fuck. But no, but Bodie's into it. So they go out to play. Now, for this scene and this scene only, Bodie can now fly and break into pieces and reconstitute himself and shit. He can do all of that, which will solve

the movie at any point later. Right? But they could only afford to animate it for this one scene. Yeah, there's only so much budget. And they're just going to play Booty Ball. They're not Even playing roller lacrokey, they're just playing like, play with ball. It's the worst idea when you get a magical item that can save the world. And they're just like, play ball with it.

Catch. Let's play catch. Well, they're children. They're children. And like, this is where token black guy, rabbit. Yes. Why? Why is his name rabbit?

Apparently they're all like, all of these names are like mythical heroes in different cultures. Yeah, like you remember Tug from Greek. Mython. I don't. But yes, they are trying to do that. I was going to say, I read that in on IMDPD. I don't, I didn't check to see if it was correct or whatever. But so at this point, Rabbit, who has had maybe two lines, if that, just starts beatboxing.

It's so bad because, like, the ball rolls over to him and starts doing like, you know, Harlem Globetrotter tricks, right? Like, the ball's doing them up by himself. And I'm like, I so wanted him to be like, really, man, the only black guy in the movie you're going to do that. So obnoxious. It's so bad. At some point it was like, okay, we're going to do some basketball tricks. Who should do this part? Which of our actors?

Maybe he could beatbox while he does it. Yeah. A little. And clearly this kid was like hit with this whole. And now you beat box and he was like, I don't know how to do that. They're like, ah, how hard could it beat you? They're like it's, you know, it's genetic. Yeah, right.

Jesus Christ. But they just play catch. Yeah, they just throw it around some more. And they clearly tried like, okay, we can get a glowy ball and people can do some stuff with it, throw it around, do some tricks. And everybody got hurt right away, like real bad. And they were like, cut. CGI, fine. It's been 14% of our budget to me.

We'll just have tinkerbell flying around as to ball for a little bit. Oh, oh, this is also where we discover that the game is literally called skateball. Yes, it is. La Crocky is so much better than Obvious. Roller La Crocky. Roller La Craycich. I wanted them to cut away to the aliens who sent somebody to save the earth and they're just furious. They're just like, what the fuck are they doing?

They're just playing with the ball. We got to stop. We got to do different shapes that you can't play. Yeah, don't make him ball shaped. Right. Yeah, obviously. That was your first mistake. But then eventually, like, they let Daniel score a goal and everybody's really happy.

And then the ball gives them all glowing purple hands. hand powers? Sure. Wait, but before the ball gives them glowing purple hand powers, there's this weird thing where they're, I guess they're supposed to be

out there all night, and half of them are sleeping on the half pipe. Yes. Do some of them take naps during the game of Bodeball? Yeah, they're playing boaty ball and then they're napping,

and then they just kind of get up and have an orb love circle. Yeah, yeah. And you're like, what was the point of? Okay, some of them are napping now. They're napping. This saves the world. They took a nap.

Why are they called Solar babies. In their defense, though, it's not like the ball needs to get to a particular place to save the world. It's just bite. It's fucking around too, right? It can fly. It can just do that. And the only way it's supposed to save the world is by making water, right?

Yeah. Right. And it makes water already once, but then it's just like, eh, I don't feel like it. Yeah, right. No, I'd rather play some ball. Yeah. Play some me. One of the kids has purple hand and he goes,

to like touch the other kid, and now the other kid's glow and purple, and then he touched it and they make a circle where they're all purple-handed. This doesn't do anything. No, it's just, it's love. I guess, yeah. Yeah, the fucking power of love.

It's the warm and fuzzy. As they're doing that and forming the magic purple arm circle thing, I wanted somebody to fuck it up. Because like Solar Baby's Eli clearly fucks the circle up thing. You know, like it's supposed to be... Yeah, everybody tries to shoot it out or something. It shoots it into his own dick to try to get purple magic or whatever.

And he's like, all right, man. All right, man. You explain. There you go. See? So what you get. But while they're doing their purple circle jerk thing, Darstar is watching on from afar, right, with his owl.

So then we cut to Darstar stealing bow-eye. God damn it, man. Doing a fucking thing. Also, you're an owl. Why would you could call? Sorry? I mean who. I mean who.

That was like a pigeon you just did. Sorry, sorry, I have many things. So, it's a trilingual owl. So, okay. A coo-loodaloo. So, okay. So, but now Darstar steals Bodie from the safe deposit box. And I'm thinking like, hey, Bodie can fly.

He can disappear into dust and rematerialize. He can strike shit with lightning. He's kidnapping himself at this point, really. Oh, yeah. He's in on it, for sure. Right. So the movie is playing him now as a bad guy because he's stealing the cool item from the good guys, the solar babies. But he's potentially doing the right. This is like killmonger sharing vibranium. And he's supposed to be the bad guy. Right. Yeah. Right. Yeah. You got to share that. What the fuck reference was that.

One that everybody gets me. You, Kara. Okay. It's Black Panther reference. Black Panther. Oh. That's a comic book though, right? It was a comic book. Blastaster Marvel. I mean, it was a billion-dollar film. It's a quick-billion-highest-grossing black cast film after one. That's all. Tachal is dead now, Kara. Racist.

You racist. He said quiddish earlier, too, and I... Yeah. The only reason I know quidditch is because we were doing a live SGO event on stage, and that was one of the, like, taboo words. And I had never seen it before or heard it before. And I did not do well in that game. Well done.

Well done. I know a lot of people set up Quidditch like as a larping thing, right? I really want to set this up as like more than larping. Like this. The roller sport for real. Oh, I would play La Crocky and Harpy. Lecrokey on rollerblades.

It looks so fun. Yeah. But wait, can we play Lecrocky on skates with a magic orb ball that always just makes it into the goal? Yes, absolutely. That would be the whole point. Patreon goal established. Or with a real one to like make it a real competition where like,

you know, some people win and lose. Either way. I don't want to do that one. I won't be good at that. So, okay, we got to Jason and Tara. They're in class and there's an alert that there's a kid that is escaped, right? And Tara sure is jealous.

She sure would like to escape, which they periodically do. Yeah. Right? We've seen them do. I know. And are there no, like, like walls? And they just leave all the time and they just walk out freely. Well, they know where all the secret tunnels are.

Oh. Let's see. Yeah. It's also, you know, honor system in the orphanage prison. Mostly. It does seem to be. Right. It's the warden's fault because he doesn't want to run it like a prison.

Yeah. He wants to run it like an orphanage. That's exactly. He likes to let him feel like they're getting away with something by escaping into the desert. Also, these e-cops are very stupid because so there's an alarm that clearly says like, child has run away. Get the child. And so instead of going to get the child, they just start digging through all the kids there

stuff. Yeah. Yeah, they start tossing lockers and shit. Yeah. Why is that going to help find the child who ran away? And it doesn't, yeah. I feel like you're going to go right for the falconer, right? You know, like we have a falcon. It's got to be the falconer, right?

There's one falconer. Somebody escaped. Yeah, he's got magic spells. Right, yeah. And so, okay. So, but that night we get the scene that Kara was talking about where Tara sneaks into the boy's dorm from her fucking Rapunzel Tower to tell Jason that Daniel and Bodai are both missing as well, Daniel, the formerly deaf kid.

And Jason's first response, which is fucking bizarre is, this is your fucking bolt, isn't it? You encouraged him to do this, didn't you, Tara? Yeah. Sadly, it's not bizarre. At this moment, I just, you know, as a note to myself, I wrote, Tara tells Jason that Daniel went after Bodai and Darstar the Falconer. And then I was like, that felt crazy to type what I just did. But that's what happens.

Yeah. So, but now all of the solar babies gather at the shed, and they're trying to decide whether they should all go after Daniel together. Right, because at this point, they'd be risking going to a labor camp, as they put it. Right. Or being surgically altered. Oh, yeah. That was weird.

Like, neutered? What were they trying to say? I don't know. They say it several times, but they don't give us any fucking details. Yeah. Maybe they just give you, like, an extra arm. It could be a quick. Maybe they could be like a laser gun arm.

Yeah, right, right. That'd be cool. That'd be so sweet. Like spinning saw one or something. Yeah. It's okay. But one kid goes, if we're going to do this, we need to agree unanimously. And another kid goes, okay, let's vote.

And I'm like, not how unanimous works. What? Yeah, that was weird. They were like, let's do it. And Metron was like, I don't think I want to do it. And they're like, okay, let's do a secret ballot then. And then they all just said, let's do it. It's like you could have just said that out loud.

Yeah, but like Metron is. But Metron is the one that's saying, like we should all have a secret ballot, so if one of us doesn't want to do it, that one won't get picked on. Okay, Metron's obviously trying to vote no. Well, that's, yeah, exactly. If there was four yes and a no,

everybody was going to know it was you. But then he didn't vote no anyway. Right, yeah, they all vote no. So stupid. Yeah, they're writing it down on paper, little papers to do the secret ballot. Metron's like, wait, wait, wait, are we folding long side or short side?

Hamburger hot dog. So this is fair. Hamburger hot dog. Did you guys know? learn to fold paper that way? No, I didn't. Oh, hamburger along the wider part of the rectangle. Yeah. Hot dog is the long.

I do it. I do it right away. So, yeah, good dominicature. So, yeah, so they decide to go. So they all rollers skate out into the desert together. With hockey sticks for no reason. Yes, they bring their hockey sticks in case there's any La Crocky situation. Yeah, they don't bring, you know, food.

Yeah, no, a lot of things in the desert are decided by Roller La Crocky. You know, I need a band of desert nomads. And then you're like, all right, we'll play you for it. You know, that kind of thing. Well, just as we're going, like, well, why would you even have le crocky sticks? We see. It answers it, right? Because a little camera pops up out of the ground.

And then Rabbit uses his lacrokey stick to kick a rock at it and break it. That's why they need. I mean, he could also just throw it. Yeah. He could have also just walked over with his stick and hit it. Yes. And somebody's like, no, no, no, it was a sport thing. do a sport thing.

And they go with baseball. They introduce a new sport that they haven't done yet. Really? Yeah. Just like 20 minutes of missing. Like, okay. I'll just go over. I feel like the camera's watching us right now.

This whole thing, they're probably just laughing. You just go over and hit it. It's probably already alerted you. Everybody's, it pops up and it goes, alert, alert, escapees or whatever. And then he hits it. And I'm like, well, by now it already said it's thing, didn't it? But I guess that. Anyway.

So, okay. So that morning we get the whole orphanage prison is on lockdown and we get Charles Durning just dripping with miserable sweat, right? He's like third degree sunburns. It's like rough. Oh, this poor guy. And he's like, I don't understand why they would run away. And I'm like, dude, you made them dig 80,000 pounds of sand.

I did the math on what 20 cubic fucking meters would do. She's fucking ridiculous. But Warden and Strickder Grock exposit a little bit. This is where we learn officially that Darstar is a Chicani, which is the religious minority that they've appropriated Native American stuff for. Yeah. But he doesn't know that. It's just deep in his blood, I guess.

Right. I mean, he could look in a mirror with all the... The braid would probably give it away. Yeah. Yeah, the genetic braids and turquoise. Yeah, exactly. It's so racist. But we know.

about this information because the Gestapo guy's like here's the dossier on Darstar. Dasseer is made of metal, by the way, we printed out of the metal dossier because this is the future. We have time for this paper bullshit. But Grock, he's like, well, hey, if you find the kids

go easy on them, bring them back here, we don't have to tell anybody. He's like, no, no, I'm going to fucking, I'm going to have him to take them to H.Q. And have them neutered. Surgically altered. Yeah, we're neuter the children. And we're going to neuter them. So, okay. So then we cut back to the kids.

They're skating along, leaving a real obvious path behind them. Quad marks. Yes, right. Okay, they're going through the desert. And one of them, Metron, the like nerd guy, refused to wear skates. And I totally support him. He's just like walking. And he's like, you're basically all just walking to this stupid.

Yeah, we're all going to spame speed. It's so stupid. Right. But then they decided that they would be skating somehow because there's like a path through the desert that's paved. So they had to cut straight from that to a stunt skater zoomed all the way out for Metron skating away with them. Right.

Well, yeah. And like, first of all, these kids are going so fucking slow because they are so sick of fucking roller skating by this point. And they're also going down a gravel-covered path. Yeah. Right? Which, if you've ever done that on roller skates, it's miserable. Okay.

I laugh pretty hard when they get to that and Metron is just like walking on the skates off to the side. Yes, he's like off to the side of it where it's softening is going, this is so much easier, guys. It's dumb for us to get to skates. Back to shoes. Come on. Well, and then we cut straight from there to Daniel, right,

who's alone in the desert, but at least he had the sense to just carry his roller skates. I mean, I feel like if that's, at the point, you could have left him at home, but, you know, he's carrying them in this. And then at this point, like, he can, like, I guess he can still hear the electronic gurgles sound from before, right? So he's following that to try to find Bodai. Yeah, I guess that's the idea, right? Is that the indigenous kids stole the orb. Daniel went after it because Bodai sent him like brain juice that said, you need to come rescue me.

And then all the other older kids are trying to find Daniel. Yes, yes. That's the chain of events at this point. Exactly. On skates for some reason. Right, on roller skates. But just then, we cut back to the solar babies and a bunch of e-cop showed up and they're like,

right, obviously there's only one roller skatable path that leads out of the fucking prison. They just went down that. Damn it. Guys, we should shut down this path. I don't know why we have this. None of our vehicles fit. Well, or at the very least, we should just...

We shouldn't have this like... series of rocks that have like five little keyholes that all the kids can write their escape through it. Yeah, we can just remove that one thing. I don't know why we put a crazy pile of stones that make five little gaps in the thing. It was already difficult for us and only roller skaters get through. All right. All right.

Let's try to get them. But yeah, one kid jumps for no reason, right? Just jumps as that. That looks pretty fucking cool. But ultimately, they come to the bridge from speed, right? The bridges out in front of them. And this is where the movie gets. I'm going to say it's dumbest, right?

I laughed so hard at this. Oh, physics. They're going to save the day with fast and the furious physics here. So they get in the line and they start using centrifugal force to go as fast as they can and use that momentum to jump over this incredibly large gap in this bridge. And they're not like thinking, like there are five of them to start or like six. How many are there? Five or six.

Yeah, five. Yeah, whatever. It doesn't matter. There's like Jason, maybe Jason twice. Yeah, two Jason. Yeah, yeah. It's the starting A team for the roller Le Crocky Squad. Yeah.

There you go. There you go. So the A team decides to spit. Literally they make a human chain, spin around in circles, and then like slingshot each person across. But as they lose a person, wouldn't they become less powerful? Sure. And then, you know, somebody goes last theoretically.

And then that would be zero wippy wheel power. Well, luckily, Jason Patrick can jump like the morphius in the matrix, right? Going between the fucking buildings, right? Because at the very end, they're like, but now how will you get over? You're just like, I'll get behind, I'll get some momentum. And I'll just, I get inside its guard, right? So he just leaps over this fucking 90 foot gap. Now, you might be wondering why the bad guys that were chasing them in motorized vehicles haven't caught up.

Well, they were in a triple motorcycle that now has to be disassembled into three single motorcycles, which would always be better to have than one big motorcycle. That is correct. And they have to like, everyone just to get out and take parts off of it. Like trying to put the top on a Jeep. I call middle. I call middle one. That's the best one.

No, I get middle. You got middle last time. Guys, we're in a chase. We're in chase. Okay, they're right there. Should we gun it straight towards the edge of the bridge with the gas? We'll be like, well, you should just go as fast as we can, right at it and see what? He's not going to try to jump it, right?

We'll just gun it towards it. Either way, we'll, you know, what, smash him? Let's smash him at full speed at the edge of this huge fall. Yes, so they fall down the ravine and just explode and die. And the kids are like, yeah. They're cheering on literal death. Cartoon. They're like dead bodies.

Yeah. Oh, we can smell them burning from here. Yeah. They hold up a roadrunner sign. Yeah, right. So, okay. So, but then we check on Darstar. Apparently, he's letting the owl guide the way, right?

Which is great because the owl eventually takes him to a desert fuck bazaar. Oh, yeah. Yeah. This place looks fun. Yeah. Some sort of outsider civilization of bondage kink. Yep. It's literally just Burning Man, you guys. It just goes to Burning Man.

Yeah, right. Yeah, honestly. Burning Man said at the old theme park that, you know, kind of abandoned post-apocalypse. And it's got the goblin, I think, from maximum overdrive or something similar? Very similar, yeah. Yeah. But yeah, like, so it's, and this whole fucking post-apocalyptic old amusement park thing, every post-apocalypse movie that can afford to do that does that, right?

Yeah. So post-apocalypse warlords, you just. go straight to the old theme park. Whatever the closest old theme park is, that's where you're finding your outsider civilization. You have to conquer. For sure. Right. But he comes in and everybody's like, who are you?

And he's like, I don't know. I'm an orphan. And they're like, can you speak to birds? He's like, I can't speak to birds. And they're like, you're one of us. And I'm like, well, he has the same haircut. So that helps. Yeah.

He's like, okay. Well, you know what? The braid and the eagle's feather makes sense now. Now I think about it. I might be Chikani. And the actor that this is Yvor, the leader of the Chikani. This is Terrence's man. It's a young Terrence man.

So yeah, he's like he's a white guy. Yes. Very much so. He's very white. And he's got like a vaguely British accent. Sure. Yeah, the Chaghani have a lot of cockney influence. Yeah.

It's historically true. So, okay. So, but now it's time for him to meet the leader of the fuck bizarre, right? So they take him through this capital punishment themed haunted house. Yeah, it's so weird. It's like a guillotine. And then a hangman's noose thing. Yeah.

Right. Which works with no electricity. It's weird. Yeah. It was part of this theme park, but they, like, you know, put one of their facilities into this. But the leader guy was like, all right, we're going to give the new guy a tour. Somebody set up the guillotine and set up the hang platform. So, like, and so like a head, a fake head gets chopped off and it rolls right up next to him.

And he's like, ah. Yeah. Got him. So then we're going to meet no small parts himself. right, the old wise man that's going to just show up here to expose it a little bit. Because they, like, Darstar shows him boat eyes. Like, I have this magic glowing ball. Is this worth anything?

And he has to tell him all the legend of the magic ball that's going to save the world or whatever. Right. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yep. Just a small thing. Lots of fingerless gloves in these universes. This one for sure.

Right? Well, yeah. Every apocalypse. Like, if the apocalypse is coming and I think it might be in real. online. I should stock up on fingerless gloves. I feel like I corner the market there. There's money. Hell yeah. They're going to be worth as much as water at that point. Yeah. I have a huge stash. I'm ready. Fuck yeah. I love post-apocalyptic style. I wear fingerless gloves all the time when it's cold outside. I do. They're so helpful. Don't your fingers get cold? Your fingers do get cold, but it

keeps you mostly warm and you can still use your hands. Yeah, no, that's that's big. Yeah, they're like really convenient. Can we be on your apocalypse team? I did this start. Dude, she could do gymnastics as well. Yeah, we would be the best dressed La Crocky team out there. Heath has got some, I'm going to say that, I guess that Heath has got some La Crocky skills, right?

He's got all the neat, necessary skills to get there, except. I'm ready to go to win us as much roller lacrokey as we need in the post-cliptic wasteland. Okay, so like, you've got the skills. I've got the gloves. Noah, what are you bringing? I don't, yeah, I was just like, I know how to grow weed. Noah has a very large collection of boatneck t-shirts, so that's cool. Oh, have it.

Can you do a British accent? Nope. Sure can't, I've been told. And do you have a taxidermied cat like this guy had? Did you guys see the taxidermy cat? Amazing. Yeah, but so now, Evor is like, hey, you know, I just want to sell the magic ball for money, right? We don't have money in this world, but I want it anyway.

And so he goes to pick it up, but the ball won't let him pick it up. It's like Thor's hammer all of a sudden. So only Dar Star can pick it up because he's pure of heart or whatever. Is he though? I know. He stole it. Right. He's pure of owl.

I guess, yeah. So, but late that night, he's asleep at the fuck bizarre and the owl wakes him up. Right? And he literally takes his ball and goes home. Is that part of the movie that we're at? The owl's just like, you should probably leave. I don't know why you haven't yet. Yeah.

They obviously want to steal your thing. thing. He tried already once. Just walk out. Yep. So he leaves. But then as soon as he leaves, the fucking e-cops show up and slaughter the whole town, which kind of makes Darstar a bit of a dick,

right? He just like shows up. True, actually. Brings the e-police and then dicks out before there's any consequences. Yeah. Especially when the young leader was like really dry-humping that sex slave right as he was leaving. He does a lot of dry-humping. Yeah.

That's dry humping and bondage seemed to be his, his ginks. And by his, I mean, the filmmakers. Yeah, seriously. It was a thing for Jason-esque actors. Yeah, right, right. I think the movie decided that they needed to humanize Darstar a little bit more.

They were like, fuck, he's kind of the bad guy, isn't he? Like, that whole thing just happened. We'll have his owl get killed here and it'll be sad for him and we'll humanize him with that. Yes. And we'll do it in the silliest way possible. So Dawson,

from Dawson's Creek shoots the owl out of the sky with a laser. And Dawson's like, I got him. I womped his owl. That's exact words. Yeah, he says womped. Yeah, yeah.

And then Dawson decides to grab the dead owl and throw it, but he is not a good thrower. And he does the whip wheel thing and it just goes basically straight. Like if they didn't cut, it would have come back down and hit him right in the head. Like a second. It's like when you try to throw a napkin

without crumbling it up. Yeah, it was awesome. Trying to hang up a cell phone dramatically. Yeah, right, right. So then, okay, and we have this very incredibly G-rated massacre of this village, right? Because, like, they're going to kill, like, almost everybody here, but we don't see any blood. There's no violence or anything like that. They just, you know, set some stuff on fire, and then there's dead bodies everywhere later, right?

Ice raid, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh. So, yeah, there's a lot of blood in those. So then we cut to Daniel. He's like sometime later now. He's walking through the smoky wreckage of this camp, right?

Oh, yeah. This is where the solar babies finally catch up with him. Yeah, again, just the A team. So like the Solar Babies B team got fucked on this. They're just like still in prison for the rest. Oh, yeah. Right? So yeah, but then so they find Daniel, it's a happy reunion.

Then they find the owl. It's very sad. Right. And Tara goes, we should give it a proper funeral. And I'm like, what's a proper funeral for an owl? I don't know. I'm saying, Hey.

Tricky. Funer owl? Okay. It's his best friend. Well, if it was him, yeah, like that would make sense. You got to give a hoology. No. He's so stupid.

No. But hey, he finally learned what sounds owls may. Yeah. I got there. We had faith in you, bro. When they were at the funeral, did you see how Jason, so Jason is like the big hunky guy, right?

He's like shirtless a lot. He's comforting Daniel, the like nine-year-old child by putting him in a chokehold. Yeah. Did you guys see that? He was so weird. He was not comfortable, Daniel.

No, he was. Yeah, looks like nogies were involved before we got to get to camera. It's like a cat that doesn't want you to do the forced petting that you're doing. Yeah. Mandatory love time. That's what we call.

Yep. And of course, Darstar, we see that Darstar is watching the funeral from a distance, right? So he sees that they... With a single solitary tier. Yes. They were respectful of his owl front. That's an excellent old reference to.

So then we cut to the e-police returning to base, right? And this is where we're going to meet the two bounty hunters that hang out at the gate, hoping to get work from the e-police. Who are sometimes southern and sometimes Cockney. And sometimes Australian. Yeah, you know the British soccer hooligans who just came to the American Southwest after the apocalypse. Yes, yeah, right. Looking for work. Can we talk about the truck that the eCops have?

Oh, yes, please. The one that looks like a literal pig? Okay. Yeah, oh, it does. Yeah. So truly, this truck is supposed to be their like Gestapo transport thing, but it rides up and it looks like an evil, like Darth Vader's rib smoker, like the food truck. The corner. And it has like a face.

It has like a cow-like face. Oh, and the elevator, the little elevator. It's so silly. So the bad guy. Strictor Grott goes to get out of his fucking silly Darth pig smoker. And he's in this little rotating elevator, right? So the way it's so hard to describe. But the way this would have to work is that he would have to back into it, right?

from inside the vehicle. Standing up, right? You'd have to get up, stand up backwards, and then it, like, slowly lowers and rotates him 180 degrees as he gets. Back it in. Back it in. Remember the last time you went in forward

and then you felt stupid because you were facing backwards when it spun you out after like eight minutes? Remember that? You were mad at us. I'm just telling you, because you said to remind you, I feel like it's one of those moments where you don't know whether to tell the boss,

but, like, you said to remind you. Oh. He has to hold, like, really. still and keep his arms down by his side. While it's like rotating him around, he's like, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm almost there. I'm almost there. I'm almost there. Imagine trying to get out of that in a hurry.

You know, you're like trying to squeeze out of it before it's all the way rotated around. It stops halfway and he's just like, okay. Oh, God damn it. I would push the button, but I can't get my arms up that high. So, okay. So, but they finally, they get inside. They get Evor.

inside and they're torturing him with ants, right? He's like covered in ants as part of his torture. But they're black ants, mind you. Yeah, they're not like the bad ones, right? So he's just, you know, kind of itchy is the torture here. It's just like, oh, it took a little. Pretty gross. I mean, it's gross, but yeah.

Also, oh my God, at this point, Grock starts referring to Bodai as the sphere of Langeness. Amazing. Yep. Is that a famous Greek mythology or the spear. The spear of Langeness is the one that stabbed Jesus in the side. Oh, okay. They actually got really close to one.

They did spear to sphere. This is not secular after. Yeah, right. Thank you. This counts. Secular-tacular continues in February. Thank you, Kara. We're easing our way out.

Yeah. So, okay. But he's convinced now that they have a line on the sphere of launchiness and he can get it and destroy it, if only he can find those damn solar babies. So then he turns off the simulator and it turns out there weren't any real ants at all. That was just like a VR thing. So it wasn't even tickly. It wasn't even itchy or whatever.

Right. Like when he closes his eyes, it's just better. He's just fine. But still he peed himself. And the guy, stricter grok explains that this device creates your greatest fear when you're it, it simulates your greatest fear. So this guy's greatest fear is like some black ants on him? Being covered in ants?

Greatest fear? I don't know. My younger sister is terrified of ants. I can see that. I guess, yep, that's probably her. Like, she would probably take falling off of a fucking building over that, yeah. Wow. That is a bad decision she would make there.

Yeah. If I got another thing, it would just be me trying a joke and then silence. No way. You weren't supposed to laugh just then. Oh, my bad. My bad. Fuck. Fuck.

Yep. Yep. I can fix it in post. I'll fix it in post. Sorry, let's do again. Everybody, your line is laugh. Your line is laugh. So, but okay, now, here's the dumbest fucking part of the movie and the reason why it's

PG-13, right? Because he says, like, after they are, they roll Evor out, he's talking to Gavio, right? I think it's supposed to be his son or his protege or whatever. And he's like, yeah, this machine's amazing. It makes you see whatever you fear the most. Like, maybe you're not being truthful with me. Would you like to see what it looks like when you're, when your skin bubbles up off your hand

and he grabs his arm and sticks it into the machine that makes you see things that aren't there. Okay. Like, I see my skin bubbly. But you just told me this is fake though. I don't, yeah, right. I know that this isn't real. Also, that isn't my biggest fear.

I don't know why you have it set to skin bubbling off. I'm scared of spiders. Why did you think you knew my greatest fear? Right. Did we have a slumber party? And why would you start here, right? Like, I mean, it's just like you would think public speaking.

right and heights will you start there maybe snakes but yeah so but we watched the skin bubble off of his hand and it's actually like it's a shockingly good effect when everything else in this movie has been so dumb yeah it did look good so but yeah the kids fine and there's there's no reason for that scene except that they had that cool effect that they wanted to shoehorn in there so okay so now that night the solar babies are all hold up in a in a convenient cave yeah tug finds an antediluvian beer he does And he drinks it and everybody's like mad at him like morally, I guess. I think it's because it's supposed to be from like before the apocalypse.

And they're like, yeah, that was probably irradiated by some nukes or something. I don't know. We haven't established what our apocalypse was exactly. Anyway, let's find that glowing ball. Yeah, right. But at this point, Rabbit, who I would explore the cave, he finds some wall art. Yeah, he finds ancient cave paintings from like 10 years ago. Yeah, right, right.

Yeah, exactly. The color hasn't even faded. Guys, you think this is a Banksy? This might be a bank. And he's like, hey, wait, this guy in this painting has the same symbol on his necklace that Tara has tattooed on her hand. Which is so funny because, like, they do a slow pan on the guy. And they're like, Tara, look at this guy.

And I think we're supposed to be also coming to the conclusion that he has the same tattoo necklace, even though we've never seen the tattoo before. But all I thought was that guy looks exactly like her. That's a painting of her as a man. Well, right. I think that's what we're supposed to see. Like, that's obviously her ancestor or whatever. They're going for a foreshadow of that.

Ancester. I see. Okay. Okay. Well, and I want to be clear, though, that we didn't, like, forget to tell you about the tattoo on her hand. No. No, it's just the first time we found out.

Yes. Right. And so also, like, they said earlier when they were doing the exposition that all of these kids come to them before they're two years old, right? To the orphanages. So we're supposed to believe that this tribe's tattoos, who's one-year-old? That's so fucked up. What is a shity thing to do to a one-year-old?

Maybe they do. My mom pierced my ears when I was an infant. Sure. Yeah. My parents cut off a piece of my dick when I was like five days old or something. That happened to me too. But like I would think the tattoo that wouldn't still be so, I mean, hand tattoos. It's weird that my parents did that to Heath too.

Yeah. You would think that they would leave that to his folks. My parents were like, who are you? I guess, yeah, go ahead. Sorry, you were saying. taking care of. Wait. That's how our family's met.

You guys could have your fucking foreskin fucking, yeah, do we do for a second if you want. No, hand tattoos. I have hand tattoos. I don't think they would last that long. Yeah. Like, you can't get a hand tattoo as a baby. Do tattoos fade pretty fast in certain spots? Hand tattoos do, yeah, for sure.

Okay. Oh, interesting. But I like that the movie kind of ran into the fact they forgot to introduce the tattoo concept because they're like, oh my god it's the same symbol that you have tattooed on your hand do we show right there show your hand to us now us got it so okay so now we've got the so now we've got the fucking the bad guys truck is arriving at like at a place right they have a laser

beam that clears them for the to get into the secret location or whatever oh yeah but this is the building with the neon sign from the vision in the crystal ball yes right that we saw in the vision yeah yeah it looks like uh it looks like uh it's It looks like the LDS opened a diner at the front of this thing. It does, yeah. It's got like Robocop laser clearance. So, you know, like the Mormons opened a diner. Yeah, right.

To get in that way. They're only cleared to level seven, though, which was interesting. Yeah. Out of 10. They've also, they've got some attack dogs that have little flashlights on their little heads, which is so, like, cute. Yeah. Yeah.

So, okay. So he goes inside and there's this fucking dominatrix lady with the most amazing. shoulder pads you've ever seen. Oh, she is fully just a Robert Palmer girl. Right. Yeah. She's just straight out of the music video. Yeah. Yeah. She looks a lot like Yvonne Drago's wife,

Brigitte Nielsen and the Rocky stuff in the 80s. Yeah. Okay. So yeah, but she's an evil lady. And so he says, Stryger Grogh comes in and he says, hey, you don't happen to have a secret alien ball killing machine here anywhere to you? When we could keep a secret alien ball?

She's like, you have got to be fucking, I'm so glad you asked. No, we, we, I've been waiting for somebody to ask this for so long. We have a legendary items facility. You're actually in it. This is so cool. We have it right here. And literally, my battlebots team made one just last week. Tell me it doesn't look like a battle bot.

Well, so we're going to get to the battlebot in a second. But first now, we've got that we're introducing the containment thing where she says, well, yeah, no, this is a magnetic field so powerful that it could hold a meteor. What? I think they said comet. Oh, a comet. Yeah. It's a magnetron that creates a force field equal to Earth's magnetic pole, which is not particularly strong.

No. And it can hold a comet, which are generally not magnetic. Comets are not magnetic. And he's like, okay, well, not clear why we'd want to hold a comet. I don't know what that means. But can your magnetron also kill the sphere of Langeness by any chance? And it turns out it might be able to. Well, yeah, actually.

If you plug it in over here, then I guess so. Yeah. Wow, you guys got a lot more out of that conversation than I did. I heard like three buzzwords and just kind of tune the rest of it out, I think. Yeah, it's easy to do at this point. Yeah. All right. Well, apparently this movie thinks that we are emotionally attached to the glowing ball,

which is fucking nuts to me. So I need a break to get my head around that. But first, let me give Axley the Hard Self. Will we ever establish, why the E police want their recruits to be good at roller skating? Will we ever justify the addition of the E to anyone's satisfaction but heaths? Will we ever establish why the fuck they're called Solar Babies? Not a goddamn chance.

But stick around anyway for the haphazard conclusion of Solar Babies. Sorry, Warden, just one more thing. Yeah, yeah, what's up? It's about the mechanics of the game and the sticks. Yeah, they're like lacrosse and hockey at the same time. time. Right. Across on hockey sticks.

Right. Okay. But like, when does the hockey stick part come into play? Oh, well, the ball goes on the ground sometimes. So then you can play like hockey along the ground. No, no, no. But lacrosse has ground on the ground and you can just pick up the ball and throw it. Also, the goal is like way high up.

So you can't even really score with the, you know, the hockey stick part. Yeah. So listen, it was actually a big fight about that. The hockey orphans in this desert. area would have been super mad if their sport didn't get in there. So we made the sticks with both hockey and lacrosse elements. No, no, no, but it's already on skates. So the hockey part is in there.

Yes, I said that. Thank you. Thank you. Skates. It's already hockey. But I said that and then I got yelled at. It was like somebody said something about lived experience. I didn't even understand what it meant.

So we had to compromise and put the stick blades on there with the lacrosse thing. But nobody uses that. the game that we watch it. Yeah, no, not at all. Like literally never at all. Okay, fine. So whatever works, I guess. When is the next game?

They will never play the game again for the rest of the movie. Cool. Great use of budget. And we're back for still more of this shit. And as if to prove that they did too have enough money for another major set, we're going to rejoin the action with the kids arriving at a mining encampment called Tiretown. Very exciting.

Humans seem to go straight to the carnival lifestyle when things go badly. This is the movie's second weird fucktown. Yeah. Yeah. The town of sin. Well, that's what happens after the apocalypse. It's like, you know, it gets really steampunky out there. It is.

It's all fingerless gloves and fucking, yeah. And also a little bit more costuming here. So I laughed a lot at this too. The solar babies are sneaking, I guess, into Tire Town. and they have disguised themselves as Raiden from Mortal Kombat in a rain poncho in the desert. So. But all black, right? So like, so Raiden in mourning, right?

So that's good. Yeah. So in the desert, they're dressed in black trash bags and big conical hats. Woo. And so, and also, where did they get the fucking money to buy those? But yeah, then while they're in town, they notice. that there are wanted posters for them. Oh, I love this.

The fugitive posters and Jason's is just like his actor headshot. They're all their fucking headshots is so good. Printed on metal. Of course. Again, the wanted posters are cast in metal. They're daguerreotypes. They're daguerre types. And the metal wanted poster comes with a, you know,

like you can scan the code and get a museum audio tour. Yes, we're like. I guess there's like an audio backup for the visually impaired, I guess. So yeah. But so they see their Warner posters. And while they're out buying shit, one of the vendors notices that tattoo on Tara's hands. Right.

Very important. This is so great. Wait, you called it. You said vendors noticed Tara's hand tat. I wrote white boys in turbans recognize her hand tattoo. And he threw ancient Arabian white guys notice. The honky Bedouins, yeah. Jesus Christ and the apostles from every movie.

Right, yeah. So, okay, but the bounty hunters with the rotating accents now spot Daniel. Right. Right, because he's dressed as Raiden in a rain poncho. And they're like, is that a fucking little kid dressed as Raiden from Mortal Kombat in a rain poncho in the desert? He's also the only child in this, like, universe. Well, right, yeah, yeah, he's also the only. kid in the whole goddamn town.

They're like, ah, that made him easy to find. He's smaller than everybody else. He's shooting lightning bolts and he's like, and like flying across. Yeah. It's so easy to do his moves too. It's, yeah. Just back back forward.

Back back forward. It's so easy. Up up down or down up. Yeah, so easy. So then, okay, they realize that they follow him and he doesn't do the teleport move and appear behind them. Then they'll be able to have a sorry,

Sorry, I'm so sorry. Is this Mortal Kombat? This is Mortal Kombat. Okay, I feel like I'm following. Yeah. Okay. But they need to follow him and he'll take him right to the other kids, right? So then we cut to, it's like shift change at the mines.

Yeah. Right. It seems to be a factory. This is Tire Town, of course. So this is a factory where they appear to be melting down tires to make different tires. To make smoke? And also to explain. extract water from the tires.

Okay. Yeah, that's what it seemed like they were saying maybe, but like, I don't think rubber has water in it. So like, they're doing something with melting tires. Yeah, but as they're all, like, in the middle of this shift change,

Daniel gets like a psychic GPS ping from Bodie. Yeah. And he follows him all the way to this old armored truck, which is being held closed by the tiny little bike lock. Yeah.

Oh my God. This is my first. favorite lock picking scene ever. Oh, Metron, he's so good. You know how like when you're watching like a bank heist movie, the like lockbreaker, like listens for the little clicky sound? They hear for the click. Yeah, they're listening for it.

He just holds this like bike lock up to his ear and then just yanks at it. And then he just holds it up to his ears. He doesn't move the numbers at all. He just holds it up to his ear and then yanks at it. Guys, this sounds like a lock. I'm going to pull it. Well, it gets even dumber.

Like a Star Star-Stars shows up and he sees them and he's like, oh, the ball rightly belongs to them and they bury males. So I should just give it to him. He goes, try 66. And I'm like, sorry, what? And then what?

The padlock? This is a two digit padlock? It's just two, huh? Six left, six right? Yeah, no, that's all it. You can break it in like two hours tops. Like, you'll be cool. So, yeah, so they open the padlock.

And then they all climb into the armored car and just hope Darstar doesn't want to lock them in there because they leave the lock out. Oh, it's a fun awkward moment. It was like, okay, Darstar, thanks for the combo to the two-digit padlock. We have to leave now and go inside this truck without you. Just us though. You stay. You stay. You stay.

Yeah, you stay out here, though. We're going to close the door behind us. So, okay. So now they're reunited with Bodai and none of them knows what the plot is at this point. Except for Tara's bangs. What happened between the last scene and this scene? Her bangs are sticking straight up. It's the craziest look.

They are everywhere, everywhere all the time all that once. They're like a dowsing rod, like to leave them to Boda. I don't know what's happening. A lot of injuries on the set when she turned around fast. Yeah. Yeah. Right. But so everybody's like trying to decide where they go from there and Metro.

on shitting on everybody's ideas. And finally, like, Tara's like, I'm taking my bangs and going home, right? So she storms out of the armored car. Which is a clunky thing to do. Right? You have to storm out and be like, okay, hold on, hold on.

It's more than two digits on this side. Why is it locked on the inside? Okay. So, yeah, but then she sees Darstar brooding over here in this big pile of car husks. So she goes up and tells him about the funeral owl. The what? The funeral.

Can we make shirts, you guys? I want a funeral shirt. Like so bad. So, yeah. She's like, so hey, why did you steal the spear in the first place? And he's like, well, I had to get the plot moving along. You guys were just playing fucking La Crocky with it. And I was just like, that can't be why an alien glowing ball shows up, right?

Yeah, I took it because it's a magic sphere. And I was going to do magic. You went doing shit. Yeah, he knows a lot about magic. You guys were just doing, like, because you. You can do that with stuff you were doing you can do with any ball. It's just all it needed is the ball in this.

And you have those. But just then, the movie's getting too boring. So we see the E-Police coming. And it's time for a big chase scene where they all have to quickly lace up their take. I'm sorry, take their shoes off, right? Lace up their roller skates and then leave. And stop speed.

Yeah. But luckily for the solar babies, Tiretown is actually pretty ADA compliant with a lot of, It is right. There's a lot of ramps there. And ramps, by the way, are great for roller skis. That's pretty. All ramps up or down, right?

It doesn't matter which. It doesn't really fucking matter which way you're going. They're going up that we can only see them for the waist up because you can't go up a fucking ramp with roller skates. So they're like, oh, they push down those tires and slow everybody else down, right? And they're like, well, yeah, where we could just not have roller skates on and go the same. speed is them. Okay.

Okay. So now there's a chase and there's one moment. Did you see the one bounty hunter guy who's chasing them

who has dressed as a samurai on roller skates? And he's got a giant samurai sword. I fucking missed the giant

samurai and he trips over three barrels. That's the kind of movie this is guys. Like three barrels roll right into and he falls

over the top. It's the best. Oh, the barrel trip. Oh, God. And then Tug who hasn't done anything

in this movie and has had like four lines. He lifts a girder at some of the bad guys. No idea what that was supposed to even be, right? Like there's a bunch of bad guys coming at him and he lifts a girder and they're like, fuck, there's a girder between him and us now. We're defeated or something. And then he runs away.

He has to show off his big muscles because because then Butterfingers drops the orb, of course, which is bad. And then they have this crazy escape. But then the hunky twins have a total heated rivalry moment. And we had to get, queued up for that, I think. Oh, yeah, for sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was for the- Jason Patrick and Schmason Patrick. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. So, yeah, so they lose Bodai and Darstar gets captured, right? The bad guys get Darstar and Bodai, right?

At one point, Dawson, who's still a bad guy, he's like a, you know, junior Gestapo still. He sees them running away, and instead of shooting them with his laser gun that he has, he shoots down a giant smoke stack. Oh, yes. Hoping for like a mouse trap scenario? Yeah, right. Get them? Yeah, right.

Yeah. But it's surprised that doesn't work because the kids have this great idea, guys. They're all going to climb into giant tires and roll down the hill. Yeah, they rolled down the hill in tractor tires. Like little hamsters. That rules, though. Have you ever done this? It's so fun.

Arms broken, legs broken. There would be so much vomit inside of this time. They would just be full of vomit. Just streaming out behind you. So yeah, so they all rolled to the bottom, except they left Tara behind. Yeah, she was scared. Oh, because at this point,

the tire factory is like consumed in flames. Yeah, yeah. Right. So they get in the thing, they roll down this hill. And then they're like, We made it across the very small hill, and we all know cops can't go on hills.

Yikes. So we're safe now. And then explosion in the background. And then they have like a streetcar named desire moment because Jason is like, Tara! Right. Yeah, the whole town explodes and they think Tara was still in it.

I wonder if she's really dead. So, okay. So then that night, they're all sitting around. on mourning Tara. Oh, this is when the real acting chops come out. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Oh, this is the best. Yeah.

So first they're like, well, you know, Jamie Gertz, Tara, she's really slick on wheels, probably outskated the explosion. If I know her, she outskated it. And then we watched, yeah, the acting chops, I guess, in quotes of Jason Patrick. He's supposed to be like, you know, sad that she might be dead. And he clearly forgets his line. Like he steps over to the side and the camera pans in on him. And he's supposed to have some sort of sad line.

He clearly forgot his line. We watch him forget his line. His eyes moving up and down. And they just use that as like, oh, that's actually pretty good pensive silence. We'll go with that. Yeah. Yeah. Everything counts in this stupid movie.

Yeah. So, okay. So now we cut to Boteye, the very, very sad ball. He is trapped in the magnetic field by the Nazi dominatrix lady. Right? Mm-hmm. And she's like, well, we'll need to use our technology to analyze it so we can figure out how to destroy it. Would you like to have bad guy Gestapo sex in the meantime?

It's heavily implied that's exactly what happens, right? Yeah. Of course. So the kids are wandering in the desert when damn it, if the bounty hunters don't catch up with them. And they don't have, like, weapons or anything. And I don't get why they're captured at this point because there's five of the kids and only, you know, the one of the, or six of the kids, I guess now that they got Daniel with them, and only one or only two of the bounty hunters, but they're captured, right?

Oh, but Tara's not there. So it's back to five. Oh, you're right. No, you're right. The kids are like, yeah, they're like young and fit. And the bounty hunters are decidedly not. Are not. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. So, okay. But they're captured, damn it. That's how it works. No, we got you. And so now the bounty hunters have them all like pulling this rickshaw. They're all like tied to this carriage that they have to pull now.

Yeah, they're like yoked them like oxen. Right, but where was this before? Oh, also, wait. You don't see it in this scene. You see it later on. But the rickshaw has a California license plate. It does. Yeah, it does.

Why? So just to be clear, these bounty hunters were like taking turns carrying their own rickshaw out there. Maybe it's like a rental rickshaw. Now you carry me. It's been an hour. You carry me. You know how like when you rent a car, like sometimes it's like from a different state, you know? Yeah.

It's just a rental rich shot. Okay. Maybe there's pickup service. Right. No, that makes sense. So yeah. So they're rickshaw in their way down the road when all of a sudden a bedouin on roller skates shows up. Who's clearly Tara.

It's clearly terrible. I'm not spoiling anything. Basically, Tara shows up with a slight like thing over. her face. Yeah, right, right. Yeah. She has the same eyes and the same body

and the same skate stance. Yeah. And she's a main character. Yeah. It's pretty easy. Yeah. It's clearly terrible.

So she's got a bottle of water and so she squirts water at them and they're like, ooh, water follow her. Yeah, they're like, who just throws around water like that? They must be rich. She's making it rain. So, but yeah, so the bounty hunters run after them. They're dragging their prisoners along with the shoot.

They run after her. and damn it if it wasn't all a trap and she was leading them into an army of crossbow wielding Bedouins. Yeah, how did she command an army of crossbow? Was it because the tattoo on her hand, they found her. And then they were like, they said, hey, do you need an army for anything?

And she's like, you know what? I'm so glad you are. I feel like this is like the underpants gnome thing. And she was like, yeah, I do need an army. I want to run a little ruse though, so we don't want to attack them right away. I want to do a thing where they come around a corner for her.

No, yeah, this is definitely underpants gnome. It's like step one, tattoo on hand. Step three, crossbow army. Like, there's not stuff in between. So, okay. So, but the better, now the bedans tie the bounty hunters to their own rickshaw and they send them on their way.

And I'm like, well, that's clearly what they were doing before anyway. But I didn't know about the rental. Back where they started. Right. So, but yeah, the kids all laugh as they send them out into the desert. Surely they'll be dead by morning or whatever. Yeah, death is funny. And then Tara takes the rest of them too, and we've all written it in our notes as the Green Place.

Yeah, because there's water and grass and stuff. Okay. The Green place where the white Bedouins live, it's like a really sad board from Donkey Kong country. Like a ropes course at the bad mall in Donkey Kong country and they live there. Yeah. And then this fucking 70s porn actor shows up to explain ice to them and that's how they have water. Because there's a big glacier here. Yeah, different ice.

Ice has a different meaning. Yes, yes. Okay. This guy was jarring when he comes out for the first time. Out of nowhere, it's just like, and it's a fuck pirate from the future and the past at the same time. And he has a very deep V-neck. Yes. His rider said all of his chest.

year gets to make it into the movie. Yeah. Every hair. And like what really is the purpose of making, spoiler alert, he's her father. I mean, she says it one second later. Like such a sex. Like I'm going to stand really close to my sexy dad right now. Yeah.

Like for no reason. But yeah, his name is Green Tree. He was with the eco warriors, but they've hung up their spurs and given the world up to the protectorate now. And they don't fight the evil empire anymore. Right. Have they given up to the protector? Doesn't know they're there.

Right. Well, they don't fight anymore. Right. But they're just like hiding out in their like little oasis paradise. Yeah. Right. In their green space. He explains it's an oasis paradise because thousands of years ago, a giant glacier

was trapped under a lava flow. And I was like, oh, yeah, it's a perfect way to preserve a glacier. It's not fire. Yeah. But they're using this slowly melancholy melancholy. glacial as their water source. Yeah. And also, oh my God, Daniel has a baby goat.

He does. This is like my favorite scene. Like we never see the baby goat again. I wanted it to be a sidekick from that point on. I wanted the baby goat to have little tiny roller skates. But no. Oh, my God. Right?

So this could have been a perfect movie. Could have been the fucking perfect movie. But okay. So, but that night, Daniel Sands baby goat is staring out on the horizon. And he's like, hey, you know, like we've made it to this oasis paradise and everything. But, like, can't help but feel like we fucked over that. sentient ball that we were playing with, right? Yeah.

Our entire B team, all of society. Yeah, right, all the society is well. But Jason tells him, he's like, don't worry, man, there's still 15 minutes left in this movie. I'm pretty sure we'll still win before it's all over. And we'll do it in these gross old clothes, even though we're in an oasis, where everybody's green white robes.

Curly whites, yeah. Yeah. He actually says, he's like, I saw the end of the movie in a crystal ball. I think we're good. Yeah. Let's do it. pretty sure we went. So, okay, so then we cut to Darth Vader's dressing room where they're green lasering bodai the ball, right? And at first we're like, oh, I guess they're probably supposed to be

analyzing it. But no, they're torturing it. A little, little bodai is crying out in pain. The ball is being tortured. So, okay. So we check in on that real quick. And then we go back to Jason and Tara, who are soaking wet now. In like a sex spa. Yes. Yeah. They're in. the fuck grotto of the green place. Yeah. And it's very clingy. There's a lot of clingy fabric. Yep, a lot of clingy fabric. Yeah. So, but Jason explains that they have to, the solar babies have to go after Bodai, right? Because, you know, once a solar baby, always a solar baby, or something. I don't fucking know.

But she's hesitant to do it because she knows that they took Bodai to the aqua bunker where they kill alien savior balls. And also it's just like a water facility. It's also where the dam. It's just like public water. But plus, you know, magical item, torture, chamber. Yes, exactly. Yeah.

And also she's kind of like the new queen of this oasis. Right. Like, why would she leave? Yeah, right. No, she doesn't want to go. Nice there. But ultimately she decides that she will go and she's got the map of the aqua bunkers.

So they are all going to go win the movie together. Yeah. Jason Patrick explains to her intersectionality. So that's why they're going to go after. Try to see. So the solar baby's ride again and they skate to the aqua bunker.

There's this great moment where they go inside to the to the fucking ball torture chamber, right? And she explains that now that they've lasered it to torture or whatever, now it's time for them to disembow it. So they're going to bring in the battle bot

that Kara was talking about earlier. Hey, Terminac. Terminac. It looks like a fucking piece of exercise equipment you could get for 26 easy payments of 4999. It's amazing. Yeah. And if you're wondering, what are the features of the disemboweling robot named Terminac? Don't answer yet.

Don't answer yet, indeed. Clinical testing shows that he can squeeze, this is an exact quote, he can squeeze the color from a ruby or deftly pluck the eye from a living bird. I'm not talking about some sloppy pluck in the eye and getting a bunch of the feathers with it. I'm talking deftly. Hey, lady. And no dead birds. We're talking live.

No, no. I'm talking like when they're moving. Yeah, yeah. Hit a moving target. If you've got so much live bird eye plucking going on in your life that you need to automate it, we really need to see someone together. You really just need to get together and figure this shit out.

I think Kara might be able to help you. Guys, the budgeting in this protectorate in the post-apocalypse, it's, we're really, we need a doge scenario here. It's really getting out of hand. We're doing a battery of testing with live birds to pluck eyes. We're getting rubies. That's expensive. Seeing if we can squeeze the color out.

What do we even do with that then? It's just a clear ruby. I don't know. Where's the color go? What are we going to do with just red? I mean, it has to be a red something. There's all this red. The concept of red.

So, and then she says, as if this isn't stupid enough, she says, and he's programmed to enjoy. That was so weird. Okay. God be fair, though, a disembalbot who's like in a snit and not really into it, that would have been fucking funny. He's like, okay. Here we go.

I'll torture the ball or whatever. I don't know. Marvin the disembalbot, yeah. Oh, God. It's weird that she keeps gendering it, too. Yeah. Like there's a certain point we have to wonder if she's fucking that spider bot, you know? Okay.

I feel like Boston Dynamics has one of these things in real life. Like they make, they make scary shit. They have the dog with the flame thrower. Yeah. Probably. And the bird eye plucker. Elon Musk invented one that doesn't work at all, but he's pretty proud of it. Yeah, right. No, obviously.

Only put like $8 billion into it. It's going to work by 2029. So, but outside the solar babies are spraying. bringing into action, which means, oh my God, you are not ready for this listener. Metron is going to have to skate pole vault over the gates. It's so rad. Fuck yeah, 1986. You know what? Rollerscape pole vaulting is a sport.

I'd watch the shit. Fuck yeah. It's amazing. The legs are so heavy. So he gets on the other side of the gate. And then he's got to like disable the gate by. pulling wires out of the circuit breaker or something. Yeah, he's their hacker.

He just electrutes himself over and over. Right. The bad guys are like running at him and he's like, he's going to electrocute the stairs that they're standing on to stop him. But first he has to say his clever line. Say hello to Sparky. He actually says that. The guards are like, what?

And he says it like he's pretty sure that's going to be on the T-shirts. He's like, hey, guys, this is the, this is the, slime to me moments. Say hello to Sparky. Yeah. So, okay, so now they're all inside. We cut back to TortureBot, like looking through all his various drill bits to figure out which, you know, which one is going to get through Bodai. Yeah, which one's the most murdery, the most disembowl-y. Right, exactly. Because Bodai's got bowels, apparently. You know, I'm going to do Cobalt today. I think I'm going to do a Cobalt bed. Carbon Cobalt? Yeah, I'm feeling carbon cobalt. So, okay, so. I enjoy this. Oh, my fucking. We watch the kids are skating and they're getting there as fast as they can.

But at one point, they have to go up a goddamn ladder in their roller skates. You don't have to put a ladder in your movie here. You just don't have to have that. When you saw the scene, you could have caught it too. Right? That's the other thing is that they could have just seen it and gone, oh, God, no. They got to get the tight shot of their little wheels. Okay, okay, no, this is slow.

This is slow with the ladder. let's do the cargo net. We'll do the cargo net. It's even all the better. They're like running from guards. Like there's dogs that are about to get them and they're trying to go up these. And they're like, you know,

hey, if we just let our legs dangle and pull ourselves up with our hands, it would be fucking faster. So, okay. So then we cut back to the torture pot and it turns out that that drill bit isn't strong enough to get through bodice. So there's no ticking clock or tension at all, really.

But just then, The kids skate their way into the lab, right? The alarm sounds. And for some reason, they skate past a bunch of, like, high school lockers. Yep, it was lockers. Do you guys notice that? There's, like, weird lockers on the way to the lab. Now it's time for a fucking skate fight.

Tug just comes in and punches Dominatrix lady right in the fucking face. I'm actually not Jason Patrick. Totally different guy. My own person. So, and then at one point, they take out torture bots eyes. right, Terminac's eyes. So he's like, well, fuck, now I just have to reach out

and randomly torture things. I'm still enjoying this, though. Oh, yeah. I just want everybody to know. This remains fun for me, even though I have no eye now. Man, I'm really, really digging it. Even though we're on a yellow alert, you guys.

Does anybody have any rubies on them? I'm just curious. That's why we have to be a yellow alert, man. Because it goes yellow alert, all systems malfunctioning. I'm like, well, what the fuck are you saving for them. Damn. The owl flies in, it just plucks an eye out.

Oh my gosh, this is great. See? Told you that battery of testing made sense. So, like, everybody's fucking around. The torture bots go in everywhere. Daniel goes for the ball, right? He runs over. The bully, Gavio jumps out. He's like, I'm going to shoot you, but first, I'm going to say a few more words.

And that gives Tara a chance to tackle him, right? Then Daniel grabs happy fun ball. Dominatrix lady sees that. She's like, fuck you, I'm taking it. She grabs it, catches on fire and explodes. She grabs it and it gives her fire hand. That's apparently also a power he's had this whole fucking time. You just make people catch on fire and explode.

I feel like you're going to use that power so many times. But then Grock is like, well, obviously you don't pick up the ball. you pick up the kid who's holding the ball, dumbass. Yeah, but for some reason, right before he does that, he licks his lips like a fucking purve. Right, yeah. It was so uncomfortable. Nine-year-old.

Just the aliens doing a post-mortem being like, okay, Bodie didn't really do anything intelligently there. We gave him a bunch of hours. He just moved down. He did one time with like hand on fire, but like, ah, you could do a lot more. He has lightning powers, man. Come on.

But so just as grubes, is about to grab Daniel and thereby bodai, Torturebot accidentally, like randomly grabs his arm and starts to break it. Yeah, he like vice grips him. Yeah. So Daniel gets away. Gabiol realizes that Giac, who I think is supposed to be his dad, is being tortured by torture bot.

So he shoots it with his laser pistol, but it's too late. It is squeezed Grock's arms to death. Yeah. How is Brock's face dead from the arm's squeezing? I don't know from an arm squeezing. And then it goes to red alert. Yes, but that's what it took, I guess. Red alert means Nazi Grock is dead.

Yeah, exactly. Somebody has to die for it to be red alert, I guess. Yeah. So, okay, so then the kids are like, oh, wow, the dam is going to break. So Bodai turns to sparkle dust and leads them out. Right.

Seems like Bodai could have just left the whole time then. If he could just turn into Tingerbell and fly wherever he wants. He sure fucking can, yeah. So the kids skate away. and skating just looks like skating pretty much no matter what, especially when you're not doing tricks and shit. So we just watch that more.

Right. And like all the water in this facility is exploding at this point for some reason. I don't know why. I don't know why. Yeah, the dam failed. Pouring out of the building. So that part made a little bit more sense. But before that happens, it's shown that there's just like huge water pipes running through their torture lab

and exploding through the walls of that. Yes. Yeah. Not sure why. But they make it. they outskate the dam, the water, the explosions, everything. Yeah. And the dam breaks and now all the water is free, right?

And that's like the movie's like, and now everyone can have the water. But like, no, there's like whole towns in that valley. Like whole towns are getting wiped out right now. Well, not just that. That's not how water works. No, exactly. Let it all out of this like massage water storage facility. And then it just soaks into the ground.

And you lose it. Yeah, right. Yeah. Fuck, guys, do we have to like fix the dam in the water facility now? That's just like an important public works project that we're going on. Oh, Bodei, where the fuck are you going, man? Civilization that we're going to have. Okay.

But, hey, but then they all see a thunder cloud in the distance and it rains again because the earth is healed. Except like only in this one like, I don't know, this one county. Like, I feel like it's a weirdly small geographical area. Yes. I wanted one of the kids to get struck by. lightning, right? And then they go, oh, fuck, this stuff sucks. But, like, is this supposed to be like, did they just save the whole world? Or is it just, like, only in the suburbs, is there an evil Nazi?

You know, like, it's like weirdly small. Yeah, right. So, but, but then Bodie is healed and he disappears into dust again. And they're like, where's Bodie? And then, and he's like all, like, he's surrounding them now. And they're like, oh, like, we're all boaty. now or some shit. Yeah. Well, we kind of see him fly away. Yeah, he becomes a reverse meteorite.

And then he's like, oh, right. Sorry. Sorry. This is stupid me. Have some purple magic. Do the arm, the circle thing. Cool. All right.

I'm going to take off. Yes. They can still do the purple hand powers, which as dear as we can tell is for entertainment purposes only, right? It doesn't do anything that we've seen. Okay. I feel like whoever wrote this thing,

I don't know who wrote it, but it definitely happened during one of those, you know, at three in the morning where everybody's stone or whatever. And he was thinking like, oh, you know, circles, wheels, circle of life, wheel power. And then like the theme of this is that the solar babies have full command over like all wheel circle based things like the wheels on skates and like the circle of arm power and the sphere.

And like purple because it kind of rhymes with circle. Oh my God, that's awesome. Write that down. We'll forget this. Also, get more coke from your guy. So what, yeah, right. So Tara says he hasn't left us. And Patrick's, or Jason says, he'll always be with us.

And the movie ends. Okay. Was anybody else furious at this point? Because the whole time, as this is ending, I was like, okay, you introduced a fucking sport. You invented in the movie in a sports. You have to end the sports movie by winning at the sport. What the fuck is happening?

Play the sport at some fucking point again in the goddamn movie. Yeah. No, I had, I had none of those feelings. I was so relieved that this movie was over. Yeah, that's true. Anything that got us through it. Yeah. All right, well, I guess that's going to do it for our review of solar babies and a successful

secular movie month, I would say, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to get back to the religious shit. So Heath, tell us what's on deck? Well, with the recent vibe shift in the political discourse, we thought it made sense to examine the important work of noted sociologist Adam Carolla and his anti-social Justice, quote, documentary work will be watching no safe spaces.

Oh my God, I'm so glad I was on this week. Right. Thank you so much. So weird that a guy who launched his career by seeing how close Comedy Central would let him get to show on a full boob turned out to be a piece of shit, right? So weird.

So with that to look forward to, we're going to being episode 541 to Emmerciful Close wants to get a huge thanks to Kara for all her help today. Be sure to check the show notes for a link to more of her stuff and an equally huge thanks to all the Patreon orders that help make the show go. If you'd like to get yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com. And thereby are not only access to an ad-free version of every episode.

You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media and if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the scathing a, the citation needed D&D minus, and the skeptocrat, available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you get about Godloffel movies at gmail. Jim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Drafts on Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again, again, this and show.

your life this week for Heath Enright and Eli Bosnia to come into the Lucius Provenus to work hard to earn another train next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the American graffiti clothes. The rest of the orphans are still stuck at the prison, but it rains now. Yep. That's nice. Yeah, yeah. And these orphans continue to live out the rest of their shitty lives in the shitty desert on shitty roller states.

Except as you mentioned, yeah, now with rain. With rain. With rain. Some purple circle magic. A few of them, yeah. Yeah. The impoverished and waterless masses were so embarrassed where they realized they could have just relocated

to the other side of that dam. Oh, right, that's how dams work. I thought ramps were the same up or down. I thought it didn't matter. This content is scanned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm to their hotline at 617-249-4-255 or on their website at creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org.

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