God Awful Movies - 544: The Carpenter's Son

Episode Date: February 17, 2026

This week, we welcome Nic Cage back into our lives with an atheist review of The Carpenter's Son. It's a movie so nakedly blasphemous and divorced from its source material that we very nearly got upset on Christianity's behalf.To see us live in San Francisco, click here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-san-francisco-california-tickets-1976632374642If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawfulCheck out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus.Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

A rooster gets sneakers, are they chisix? Yeah. So stupid. So, okay, none of us are podcasting right now. No, I know. I know. Chicken shoe buns. I just looked up a screen with all shoe names and all bird stuff.

Rebock. Okay, I win. I win. Rebock does win. Well done. Thank you. This is what I'm talking. Okay.

We can move on. We can move on. We can move on. We're, we're free. My nose started bleeding for a second. No, yeah. Same, same, same, yeah. A awful movie.

Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because it's the only thing that quells the rumbling of the ancient ones. I'm your host, No Illusions, and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend Heath Enright, Heath. Welcome back. We got Nicholas Cage again. We too. I love it.

He is, yeah. And, of course, sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend, Eli, Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm fantastic. Noah, thanks so much. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched The Carpenter's Son. It's the story of Jesus Christ during his awkward phase.

Sure. A lot of gar energy. Apparently, that's the Gospel of Thomas from the Apocrypha. Well, not to be confused with the infamency gospel of Thomas. Which, yeah, which is also not. Yeah, but Eli, how? bad was this movie. It's apocryphal apocrypha. Yes, yes, that's exactly. Yeah.

If you're looking for a movie that takes on the Apocrypha's Apocrypha, but you wish they were big old chickens about it. Yeah. You will love this movie. All right, so is there anything you want to nominate this one for being the best, it'd be the worst hat? Yeah, I'm going to go with best, best, best, Nick Cage walking. Okay. Very bad. Interesting. He looks like, he looks like, He's having so much trouble. It looks like he's saying like, you know, left, right, left, right, left right in his head. He keeps losing track as a pattern if people talk. And he's like, come on.

Jeff, right, Jeff. There was definitely a point in this day where he couldn't decide whether his character had a lip. Yes. Oh, yeah, for sure. And he's wearing a really big robe the whole time that's way too big for him. And he has to like hold it up. And he can't walk because of that too. Oh, my God.

That's exactly it. He's been stepping on the front of the robe the whole fucking time. And that's what we're seeing. They just wouldn't hem the goddamn thing. And he's a stumbling motherfucker all right. Well, that too. Yeah. He looks like Gargamel with a hangover after being like cast away for a year.

It's the best. Mm-hmm. So I was going to go with best, worst lighting. Right? You can see 18% of this fucking movie. The entire goddamn movie is so dark. All of our notes are like, who was that? What did they do?

Who did it to them? What's happening? Yeah. Constantly. And why? Well, there's a lot of that, too. What's amazing is that so much of it is obviously in post as well, right? Because, like, this movie has a budget.

It's got a big old budget, right? And so what happened is they were in the editing room. They were watching this movie as it was shot by the Lord Argaada camera. And someone turned to the editor and they were like, what if it was like way darker? Do you think people would notice? Well, you got to imagine there are a lot of it was like, oh, guys, this looks like shit. This looks awful.

This looks ridiculous. What can we do about this? And they're like, well, we could dim it, I guess. Yeah, well, and because the other problem is, many of the scenes of this movie have Nicholas Cage in them. And that's like trying to do a Holocaust film where there's just a birthday clown kind of hanging in the background. Like every scene with Nicholas Cajun and I'm like,

put the bunny back in the ball. Like, you're not sitting there going like, oh, I'm really in. in this story, you're like, I wonder if you ever got that T-Rex head back. They needed a much less iconic person than I'm going to go ahead and say it, the top five most iconic people in the history of cinema. Right? If they had Christopher Walken play Jesus and Julie fucking Andrews play Mary, it could have possibly been more obvious who these people were.

I thought his vibes fit perfectly for the stepdad of the son of God, though. I thought he was. Okay. Now, can I say that? That I thought was actually a really interesting performance, right? What do you do? 15 years after you're cucked by God. Sure. Angel came down the night he was born.

She's screaming. There's hay everywhere. Yeah, whatever, God, your word, the word. But 15 years later, when he's like kind of shitty at math, you're like, I mean, people, people pollucinate all the time. I know that even in the dirt times. Yeah. The answer is being Nick Cage in real life in terms of your vives.

Yeah. A percentage of this movie is, I could use a refresher visit from an angel. Just occasional pop it. Hey, what's up? It's like 14 years since the prophecy. And he's still, like, two levels behind in math. What about just on his birthday? You just popped in every year and said, like, hey, still God.

It's going to be a holiday. The PSAT's coming. Cal Santa to tell me about it. You're going to have to make him into a water polo player? I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to do this. And now he's a wine polo player. I'm going to go with best, worst, heresy.

Yes. Look, I'm no defender of religion. I know that's a controversial thing to say about myself. But there were several moments while I was watching this movie where I was like, that's not. Okay. Right. That ain't Christian.

You can't just make up that Jesus does that or says that. Which is weird because it's all made up that Jesus did. Right. But it's character cohesiveness. You know what I'm saying? Exactly. Right. Right.

You got to be true to the source material to something. Yeah. I can't just have baby. Now, look, that's why they threw out infancy gospel of Thomas, which by the way, if you have not read Infancy Gospel of Thomas, it fucking shit rocks. It's so good. And it'll take you a 35 fucking, not even. It'll take you 15 fucking ministry rate.

It's super, super short. And it's insane. It's insane. And you're like, you, a normal non-religious pope are like, oh, well, no, this can't be in the Bible. He shoulder checks a kid to death, which is the funniest thing in the Bible by far. But he's also like a little prankster God because it's from the second century where nobody knew Jesus, right? But it's far enough away that they're getting fun with it. Because the early apocalypse is just like, I.

I was also at that dinner. He made like 12 fish, relax. And this is where they're like, and then he was like, shoo-da-n-n-me-me-me-le-le. Like they're mixing it with Spider-Man comics and shit. Absolutely. I like how you're kind of like the angry video game fan watching the movie of the video game.

You're like watching Mario Brothers and you're like, I don't think John like was on. It's doing the canon correctly here. Correct. Yes, exactly. There's a ton of that. Yeah. All right, well, I'll tell you what.

We've got to figure out how to handle a movie that's going to blast me more than we are. So we're going to take a quick break before we dive into all the dimness that is, The Carpenter's Sun. That sounds amazing, Big Boy. Eli, what are you doing? Nothing. I mean, I've got to go, Big Boy.

Eli, are you doing paid phone sex again? No. Eli? Okay, yes. But I'm trying to make some extra money for Valentine's Day. That's a really upsetting contrast, man. Look, Eli, if you want to save money, you should try Rocket Money. What's Rocket Money, big boys?

Sorry, force a habit. What? What's Rocket Money? Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. That sounds great. It is. Rocket Money consolidates checking savings, loans, and investments into a single dashboard to give users a clear view of their financial picture.

So no more unpleasant money surprises? Exactly. Let Rocket Money help you reach your finance. financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. That's rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. Rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. All right, Noah. Thanks. Hey, fellas. Hey, Heath. You look like you're in a good mood. Yeah. Yeah, just having a good day, I guess. Big boy. What? Nothing. All right, everyone. Welcome to the first ever writer's room meeting for The Carpenter's

Sun. Woo! Now, as you know, this one is based on the Gospel of Thomas. The one from 1945? What? No, no, the infancy gospel of Thomas. Right. Is that the one where Jesus does pranks? Well, he does do some pranks, yeah.

That's the one where he shoulder checks a kid to death. Well, he doesn't shoulder check a kid to death. Totally shoulder checks a kid to death. No, he kills a kid to death. Kills a kid for shoulder checking him. Okay, so it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. The point is, we're going to make it spooky.

We're going to make the childhood of Jesus spooky? Uh-huh. Yeah. And also, also it'll be about how, like, his dad hates him. Got it. Um, are we going to hell? Oh, I mean, if there is one, yeah, for sure. Yeah, for sure.

Nice. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up on 33 motherfucking production logos in a row. And they're all going to be in dead. fucking are my headphones plugged in silence? I would like to be thanked now for being the first to get to the script and writing in the script. Oh my God.

Are my headphones broken? I think the movie doesn't have sound. I literally checked all my different types of, I went into like volume settings and I was like, is it the align thing? Am I on like somehow a different setting? No, they just muted everything. It was like the production team

tried to like tiptoe into the craft. It's in the movie and then like sneak out. Well, yeah, and so we get literally seven different production logos. I counted. There's seven. And then we start getting the credits that come up to dead fucking silence. And there are more production companies. It's like everybody kicked in 15 bucks like a Kickstarter or some shit.

Yeah, it's like when you buy too much cocaine, right? And so you're just kind of like, well, everyone's throwing in for cocaine. That's why we're buying this amount of code. That's how movie producers felt about. making this movie. And then, okay, it comes up and it says, this is based on the gospel of Thomas. And I started cracking the fuck up because it's not, right? It's based on the infancy top. And it's very loosely, but, but like the gospel of Thomas is just a collection of shit Jesus said. And I'm like, well, I'd make a fairly awkward fucking movie. Right. That'd just be like a best of or something.

But it's based on the infancy gospel of Thomas, even though literally nothing that happens in this movie happens in the gospel of the time. Gospel of Thomas and nothing that happens in the infancy gospel of Thomas happens in this fucking movie. Yeah. So a thing pops up to explain it to people who don't know. It says the apocryphal Gospels or writings by early Christians. They describe events missing in the timeline of the New Testament. I was like, okay, so according to this, God needed to retcon stuff. He needed people to help him out and retcon stuff that he forgot in his original one. Yeah. Or more importantly, this movie is saying like Eli's fan fiction that he wrote about Harry Potter is a missing part of the Harry Potter timeline.

It's like, no, there's just fan fiction. There was a whole council about which books are in the Bible. Santa punched a guy. It actually, there was a whole shoulder check the kid to death. Yes. Yeah, so, okay, but then finally we hear a woman in labor and know that our headphones are working, right? Three minutes into the fucking movie.

And then we hear Nick Cage, like narration. preying over top of it. As he coaches FCA Twigs. Yes. FCA Twigs, yes, who will play Virgin Mary. Hey, young people, young people, bring it in. Angry old man here. Look, I want to be cool.

I want to like the music you like. I want to be with it. I want to be Skibbitty, Ohio. You cannot name an artist FCA Twigs. It's too early for me to like a person who identifies as FCAA. I read it as fuck a twigs. Okay, so interesting, interesting. And I enjoyed it.

I am professionally known as no illusions, so I'm not going to talk any shit. Once again, Noah leads the forefront, but I would like to say that I have rejected FCA Twigs as a cultural as a part of it. And the island boys, whoever they are, I've also rejected them. All right. I'm peripherally aware they exist, but I'm not ready for them here. All right. He's getting old, guys. Okay.

So in this moment, we see Nick Cage for pretty much the first time, and it felt like just Nick Cage's life. He's over a weird old sink, kind of like washing his hands, and he's got the crazy burlap robe on that he's having trouble with. And he's looking at his hands. He's like staring at him as if to say like,

hey, I'm hearing something. I think my hands might be magical Bluetooth speakers. And he's like, oh, no, no, no, it's a message from God. But later he'll act as if he still believe. his hands to the speakers from God. Well, so she's given birth. And then we see Nick Cage and then like there's this magical, glowy light that lights him up and we're like,

that, is that coming for her fucking vatch or what? You know, but it's not. It's coming from above or whatever. Like the angels are being like, don't worry. No, this is good. This is good. We were planning this.

I don't worry about it. And while he's just staring at his hands, she's like, hey, a little help giving birth over here. Did you want to maybe do a little help with that? And he's like, oh, sorry. I'll try to snip the cord or whatever. Yeah. So he snips the cord.

And he does it badly. Yeah, right. No, we hear a scissors sound as he snips the cord. He's like, lefty scissors. Fuck. Why do we have these? Oh, it's the zigzag ones. We're both writing.

Well, but the thing is, though, is that, again, we have to make this shit up, right? Because this is the first time we have to confront the fact that we cannot see the movie. Even with the bright turned all the fucking way up, you can see so little of what's going on, right? So a shape moves and it's like that psychological test where you have to tell a story about the triangle and the square or whatever, you know. But Nicholas Cage explains to us that they are coming for him. So they got to go. So they wander into the darkness and we come across a big, big baby fire. Big baby fire.

Sure. Who had five minutes for a literal pile of babies on fire? Yeah, a little early in the movie for flaming babies. Even for a Nick Cage movie. Yeah, really, honestly, yeah. And yeah, they walk up to this and they're like, hey, is that a fucking pile of babies off? Oh, you know what? That's a dumb question to ever ask.

You just keep walking. You just keep going. But here's the thing. Okay, so they smuggled Jesus past the baby bonfire. But like, what? Why wouldn't you just go around? I mean, there's got to be another road that goes that direction that doesn't go directly. There's no, also there's no roads now.

It's a dirt point. You just go through the woods and shit, right? It's not a baby bonfire on like the only bridge. Right. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. They could just go elsewhere. Cut a wide berth around said baby bridge.

They do get by, but like if the baby cries, this is a real short movie. Right. So they get past the baby bonfire. And then she like just reaches off screen to get the baby. And we're like, is that baby in the donkey's butt? Where the fuck did you have that? Baby pops out like a video game weapon. Like a giant gun.

Yeah. that a video game character has. Yeah, they take it out of the baby sheets. She takes it out of her inventory. Yeah, right, yeah, exactly. So that night, Nick Cage sobs in the darkness for some fucking reason, right? We're supposed to be learning that he's a very, very pious character.

That'll be his only characterization, right? Pious and cucked. Yes. And then the fucking sunrises and we can finally see anything in this movie that isn't a production logo for the first fucking time. Mm-hmm. And what we see is a demon standing on. a mountain top across from him

doing like, you know, demon shit. Pop it and lock it? Yes. Yeah. And just doing like, you know, the slow ramp up of demon stuff. I'm like, I'm probably, I'm just going to be off to the side gurgling at first.

Yes, I just got gurgle at you a little bit. So you'll know it's coming. It's a psychological thing. You'll be thinking, why the fuck? Hanging it in. Would he just stand there gurgling? It's a good thing that everyone stops and watches demons for them to go. through their entire bit.

Otherwise, you'd just pass by a guy who, like, maybe had a little bit too hard of a sneeze. Yeah. Come back. I'm building. I'm building a moment. I am building a moment.

You have to stare directly at me. He's gone. I'm waiting for you to make eye contact. They probably just thought I was a guy sounding out a word that was hard. I was just here for so many hours waiting. Fuck. Oh, okay, climbed this whole fucking mountain.

God. So then we get our title. It was my whole afternoon. The Carpenter's son. Oh, I'm sorry. Because I missed the moment where it says Anno Domini on screen after Jesus is born, right? Yeah, I don't think they called it that right away. No, they did.

Also, he would have been born in like 3 BC or BCE. Yeah. So, okay, so now we cut to AD 15, which means he should be like 18 or 20. But this movie thinks it means he'll be 15. I was like, okay, he's going to be like 14, 15. Cut to Jesus and he's like, you're not my real dad. Goh, I hate you. We're going to get that scene.

Spoilers. That's a big point. much the movie. Him for the whole movie. Yeah. So we see Nick Cage and he VOs to us about what happens when you die and shit. Again, like there's so much of this that just like,

you know, they put a microphone in the bathroom stall when Nick Cage went in there and they're like, this is great narration, guys. This is excellent. Let's keep this for the movie. Also, can we just get all the filmmakers of the world together and say, hey, folks, important news. People knew when their faces were dirty.

even in older times. Do you think they did? No matter the technological level, the human race had, you know, a little schmutz. Yes. The technology has always been at... You would think.

Your little schmutz. Got a little schmutz right there. Head on over to a puddle and give that a quick, splicious splash. In fairness, right now in modern times, many times in my life, people have been like,

you have a lot of stuff on your feet, like a big amount of food. That's mostly why he went. for weeks at a time. Yeah, right. And you've covered all your mirrors with black sackcloth. I'm not sure. Ooh, Skiddle.

So, yeah, so we've, we see Nick Cage worrying about Jesus' superpowers. And then we see one kid that doesn't have a dirty face. And we're like, oh, it must be a fucking demon of some sort. And it is. It is, yeah. The one clean face. She yells above. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. Can I talk about the non-binary nature of this child while being. aware that I am quoting the Epstein files. Oh, no. Part of what is supposed to be scary, no, you may not. Part of what is supposed to be scary about this child is that it's not like, I'm a boy, right? Or am I just projecting Christian bigotry onto this movie?

I don't know where you're going with that at all, no. Okay. Wait, which character? The demon girl. Satan, you know, Satan. 11 Satan? Yeah. Yes, 11 Satan.

Well, who I had it out is the demonic version of Heath Step kid. and before you started saying all this shit, and now I don't know. Once again, they then pronouns, nailing it. But yeah, so they eventually come across a little town where Joseph gets himself hired,

like as a woodworker, but he has to carve idols of other gods as part of his job. Which makes no sense for this movie. His whole thing is that he's supposed to be like this deeply devout religious nut. Right. So the idea that they would start

the movie with him being like, whatever, work is work. LinkedIn's mostly filled with fake jobs anyway. It's a living. Also, it appears that his test to get this job was to carve a full-ass wooden flute. Yeah. That seems like a log job interview. Like a snake flute. Yeah, it's a little snake flute.

He's got a nice little snake flute that he carved, which I'd love that. It looks pretty fucking sweet. I'd buy that from Nick Cage. Nick Cage. If you needed some money. You're listening. But yeah, so then we have the scene, like, while Dad's getting higher, Jesus is outside, like, being overwhelmed by his senses, like Superman.

Okay, they literally stole the Superman can hear too much things moment. Right, he's looking around town and he can hear everybody's like angers and all that shit. And he's freaking out a little bit. Yeah. And he's just standing there like off to the side of everybody doing their shit with Mary, his mom. And everyone's just like looking over at the two of them being like, hey, are you all just going to like fucking glare it up? What are you doing? Yeah, what's going on?

We're just trying to do some mudwork or whatever we're doing. I don't know. Dirk-faced and shit. Yeah. So, but Nick comes and he says, hey, I found us a, I found a job and it comes with a,

for the free house, apparently. So we got a place to live, too. So they head out to the house. And, oh, when they get close to the house, this lady comes by and she puts a blanket on Mary's head, right?

She's like, it's kind of, kind of your whole thing is going to be, this is going to be a signature thing for you. You can totally want the blanket on the head. You should wear this head blanket. It's kind of your, I don't want this from you.

No, thank you. What are you, Jeffrey Amherst? Get the fuck out of here. But the young girl's name is Lilith. Yes, we meet Lilith, who is mute. And her mom is the one that gives Mary the blanket. And so mom gives Mary the blanket. She's like, yeah, my daughter can't talk.

And your son is pretty fucking hot, right? I don't know why we have to. I mean, he is. But I don't understand why Lilith's mom had to, like, grind the movie. movie to a halt. For our Jewish listeners. Jewish mother. Yeah.

I was going to say, for our Jewish listeners, Noah doesn't get it. But, oh, and then she like... As they're going inside, the neighbor lady says to Virgin Mary, she's like, so that son of yours, he doesn't look like you.

Like, fucking what? Right. Which is bad, really think, really lock in on what that might mean. Yeah. Right? That means that he looks a little like God. God, God's hair is a little curlier than the key to me.

So, okay, so Jesus goes inside to see his dad, and we see, like, dad, like, eavesdropping on Lilith and Mary as they sort of lie about their origin story. Okay, I laughed at this moment because Jesus, the son of God, walks in. His dad, his stepdad is eavesdropping, and he's like, what up, dad? Ooh. Why is your ear against that wall with that cup?

So, yeah, but now they've got to board up their windows to keep the demons out. I have no fucking idea. And as they're doing that... Don't worry, it'll play really great when that never matters to the movie ever. I really wanted to see a demon just be like, can we pry it? I can't see in. Let me get the little... A bigger stick, but it has to be smaller and bigger.

Fuck, forget it. I'm going to do the cool thing they do in heist movies. Scree! You just made a noise. I mean, a circle. No, no. No, no. You can't just point a circle.

Fuck you. You. But then, so, but while Jesus is boarding up his windows, he looks outside and he sees Lilith taking a urn shower, which means that, like, basically they're like, hey, neighbors, good to meet you. I'm going to go take a naked front yard moment real quick. Yeah, it was the dirt times. Everyone just fucking nakedly bathed.

in front of each other. Also, again, not to be that guy, but let's talk about the absolutely incredible heresy it is to portray Jesus Christ the son of God as doing a little peeping. Yes, right. He's watching this shit going, oh, fuck their shit out of that. Lamb, he's up there on the cross, and then we're waiting for it is done, and then God's like, sorry, I'm kind of working out the peeping thing. It was pretty, important he be without sin and that is not the sitch. Just cut to Jesus in the

woods with the penthouse he found. So, okay, so but they board up the window so now it's night and we can't see the fucking movie anymore. And this is where he introduced the fact that when a Nick Cage's superstitions is he always put sand on the threshold

because if demons come into your house they leave rooster prints in the sand. Okay. Okay. So, yes, that is what the movie is saying to us. I heard Nick Cage say, roosters make footprints in the dust. And I was like, okay, so roosters can see demons better than we can.

And they follow up. And then roosters like run into your house to put some on your dust. Fuck, fuck, guys, I'm so sorry about this. I got to go tell the Smith there's a demon in their house. But no, it's that it's that. Demons have little tiny rooster feet. Which, hey, can I say, if I were a Christian and I believed that myth, I would instantly never be afraid of anything Cusanic ever again. He's like, well, come on.

I mean, you would know him coming because they'd have the little chicken feet. Yeah, my mother sucks in hell, but you have little tiny rooster feet on some spiritual level. Hey, you're wearing those like toe socks, but it's just like three. Yeah, hold on a second. One of them sticking out the back. Do chicken have three? Is it three? I don't know.

11. But so as they're, so I'm more familiar with their legs than their feet. But then they're getting ready for dinner. And Nick Cage gives this amazing line. He says, and I quote, to Jesus, he says, Did you wash your hands? They're dirty. We'll go mad.

Yeah. I'm saying that to my five-year-old from now on when he won't wash his hands. I'm going like, hey, Nick, is that what happened? Doesn't Jesus in the regular Bible have a whole thing about how he like switched it to we're not washing hands anymore? He doesn't wash his hands. Yeah, exactly. So I thought Jesus here was going to be like,

dirty hands are great dad. I will die on this hill. Fuck you. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah, you will die on this. If the infancy gospel was true, especially as it is portrayed in this movie,

there would be so much more passive aggression from Jesus. Just like, and by the way, if you get any messages from God, just, you know, keep believing them. Yeah. Be nicer to your kids. And it makes them pray before dinner. And I'm like, that feels masturbatory

when you are God. Well, and it's, Jesus is comfortably awkward about it, though. He's like, oh, hey, me. Yeah. So, but then it's time for them to... We're touching hands.

Okay. It's time for them to... This is a fun dinner. Karate, the word Satan. This is amazing. They start talking about Satan. Satan. Yeah.

So, now, Nick Cage, first Jesus is about, he's like, oh, I'm hungry, nice, this is good, I'm going to get some food. And Nick Cage is like, oh, or you could fast because God and the Bible matters, you piece of shit. And he's like, oh, okay, whatever. And then Nick Cage goes on with his speech and he's like, in emptiness, you find the strength to bear against Satan. And Jesus has to react to this. Like he's fucking Ezra Klein hearing Ross Douthat say Antifa instead of Antifa. He's like, what?

Uh-huh. Do you say it like that? Are we saying satan? And then everybody else has to go satan every time they say it so that Nick Cage doesn't feel like an idiot. Yeah. No wonder they weren't afraid of satan at that time. Right. Well, yeah.

They wear the ways of satan. Yeah. Well, he says, what does satan look like? And he's like, he looks like a regular guy. And I wrote in my nose well, but with chicken feet. But no, apparently he looks just like a regular dude, but screamier and doing pop and lock. Looks like he's step kid. You'll know them by the.

their lack of schmutz. So, but that night, Satan stands outside their house saying Satan words, right? And then Jesus has a nightmare. We established that Jesus has constant crucifixion nightmares that wake him up screaming, right? Weird. Because he's God. So I wouldn't, I wouldn't be like, all right, I'm headed down in human form. Hey, when I take that human form, I'd like a couple of flash forwards to the creature fiction.

just to sort of keep my head in the game. Can we get that going? Right. And so then the next day, Jesus has to go to school. And if you've read the infancy gospel of Thomas, there's a part in there where a teacher starts fucking with him and Jesus just kills him for fucking with him.

So you're getting excited. That's not how this is going to let it all. They really chicken out. They do a fucking bullshit. Yeah. Hey, why is the rabbi Scottish? Well, back in, you see he's back in the dirt times. many people were

God. Everybody just went luckily. What happened is that actor did a Jew voice and they were like, oh, and he was like, no, I meant this isn't offensive so yeah, right.

But while Jesus is helping the rabbi teach school, he looks over and he sees the demon girl from before, the clean-faced demon girl, hanging dangerously from a tree. So he goes to like, get her. just fucking hanging out.

Yep. Yeah, just like the hang in there poster. Satan Prince of Darkness is trying to figure out how to catch Jesus' attention for the first temptation and the fall of God. And he was like,

I'm gonna climb a tree. Okay, almost infinite powers. Time to tempts Jesus. Did you say climb a tree? Yep. And I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna do the cool Lego. over one branch thing.

You're going to climb a little bit of a tree and then just hang. No hands. Yeah, she's about 10 feet up. 10 feet up. Doesn't even do the no hands. And so Jesus comes over and says, would you please come down? And so she drops down, right?

But she's fine, right? She doesn't get hurt because of the Satan powers. They drop down. I've insisted on this bit and now I'm, I don't think you get to correct me when it's just your bit. I don't think I get to attribute that pronouns to a satanic child. when there was no yes.

Okay, so earlier Joseph tells Jesus that Satan appears as like your greatest weakness. Yeah. Right? To tempt you. So to be clear, the Son of God's greatest weakness is the tree climbing thing, but also like a scarred up skin mask looking face.

It's like a skin mask girl surrounded by flies is what we're looking at. Right. So constantly buzzing flies. every time she's around just so that Eli can have a less pleasant time. Jesus is like, hello. Yeah, exactly. That's, he's into it. Because she's like, hey, do you want to like go out in the woods and play with me?

And she's like, and he's like, well, I'm not supposed to, but I am into skin masks and flies. Yeah. So they go out into the woods to play together and they come across the leper. And she's like, you want to play touch the leper? And he goes, no. She was like, do you want to play all? almost touched the leper. And he's like, well, okay, I'll play that.

And he turns into me and he's like, I can go super close without touching it. I can do it. I'll have to win. I'll win this. I can almost lick him. Look at me, almost lick him. And I can verify that this is also,

that Heath also courts the way Jesus does, which is just going hard. So he almost touches the leper. He touched a lot of lepers when he first met him. And as we're all making notes about as he's touches his leper. We're all making notes about how it'd be really funny if, like, one of the demons was standing on his hands and knees below, like, behind his legs or whatever. But that's actually what happens. Jesus pushes him and says, touch the leper and pushes him into the fucking

leper, right? Yeah. Satan pushes, she does the butter thing. Yes. Hey, if you put salt on butter, you can feel the heat. And so, like, he's right. It's a vat of butter that's in the form of a leper. So he just gets like pushed into a pussy leper. Yep. And he wakes the leper and the we Wepper looks up and goes, you guys were playing, Touch the Leopard. How'd you do? Bad? Do you guys put salt on me?

You actually touched the leopard, didn't you? So then we cut to, so we cut to Nick Cage bathing this actor, who is super hot. I swear that's why Nick Cage took this job. He's like, but I get to bathe Noah Jube though at some point. Oh yeah, this is like a cleansing bath because he touched a leper. Right. Yeah.

But it's just like in the regular part of the river where everybody else all over. all over the place is just normal bathing. Yep. The guy next to him is right there in the shot. He can just tell that it's like, oh, this is a leper bathers. You guys are doing a leper bathers. He's doing a lot of strobing. I think I heard him say leper. It's like when you go into a doctor's

office for like your checkup and there's someone in there coughing too much and you're like, that's COVID. Yeah, right, right. You have COVID. I think there should be a separate. Let me, hey, I got a brave take. Hear me. Open your hearts. Baxers shouldn't be allowed to use the hospital. Okay.

You know what? Let's lend on that take. Was that your take? Because I was about to say but equal. Yeah, no, that's who we don't want that. So, and while Nick Cage is bathing, Noah Chup, we have his narration talking to God going like, God, what the fuck is going on with this?

He's touching lepers and shit. What is wrong with your kid? Kind of thought he would be a little more on task. You know, everyone says first baby, easy baby, tricks you into having the second one. I thought maybe he'd do like magic stuff. Like I'd have a super cool non-smudgy baby, but he seems can I say it? He seems extra bad.

Yep, and smudgy. He's also smudgy. Like the Mendelbaum kid down the street seems a little more godlike. So maybe he could just... But so Jesus has more nightmares. He dreams of himself under the shroud of Turin, right? The cheesecloth of Turin. It is a cheesecloth, yes. I wanted him to be like,

we should set up like a ruse with like a fake one of these, right? Dad? Yeah, right? We'll wait. We'll wait 800 years after I die. But yeah. Let's do it then. But yeah.

And then like he starts screaming from his nightmare and his dad comes to wake him up. And we learn here that that Jesus has to sleep in a little like screaming cage in a punishment. He's got a sleeping cage. Okay. So if you are having a nightmare and you wake up. from your nightmare and see Nicholas Cage in a burlap robe. You're still in your nightmare

is what's happening. You're not done with you. Yes, yes, right, exactly. You have a whole other faith in a second type situation. I feel like if Christ had been put in a punishment hut for his childhood, it would have come up maybe not in Luke, but definitely in Matthew, right? Yeah. He would have

just thrown out a like, and by the way, everyone gets to sleep in the house no matter how many nightmares they have. So yeah, but then, so Nick makes him pray, he does the fucking Jewish litany against fear or whatever, and then he goes back out to his sleeping hay.

But, and this, honestly, I only knew this because of Eli's notes, because of how dark this fucking shot is, the leper comes to see him. He's been healed by all the Jesus magic. Okay. Let me say something bold. The way that the leper is shot

as he steps out of the darkness is a seduction shot. It is, yes. Traditionally, that's what that would be, yes. It is the way someone who is about to drop a robe to thank our protagonist who has been sensual, enthusiastic sex, steps out of the shadows. Yeah, and it's like two in the morning.

It's like, hey man, yeah, I healed you with me. Just tell me like tomorrow during Riverbath or whatever. This is ridiculous. This could be an email. He goes, you're welcome. He goes, touch me again. And I'm like, so you can have. negative leprosy?

What do you say? I also have a little neck thing. I know people say you slept wrong, but it's been like five days, so, you know, something's wrong in there. I wanted to see Jesus learn more powers than they. They do that like Superman rip-off moment for a second. But I wanted him to like, you know, walk around the woods for a second. And then he like walks over a little puddle and he's like, that was weird. Yes, right. Like Bruce Almighty.

So everyone else steps into it and they're like, oh, man, my socks. And he's like, what are you guys talking about? What's wrong with your socks? Oh, well, God's just watching. Oh, come on. All right, I got to step in another one. Keep checking the camera like Jim. Yeah.

All right, well, it looks like our hero is fighting his power. So with what we can only assume is a running around the city having fun with this web slingers montage on the horizon, we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be back in a minute with even more of the Carpenter's Sun. And there's so many ways to optimize when you look. look at it that way. Of course. Hey, fellas. What you doing? Well, Eli was just telling me about inshittification.

Have you heard about this? Yes, I have. Wait, I told Eli about inshittification. No, I think I told you. No, you did. I told you. I read a whole book on it by Corey Docteroh, and I'm working on a citation needed. No, I read a piece about it in the New Yorker. You don't read the New Yorker. But you know what's a great example of the opposite of inshidification? Mint Mobile. Lyer thief. What's Mint Moe?

Damn it, Noah. Stop paying way too much money for wireless just because that's how it's always been. Mint exists purely to fix that. Same coverage, same speed, just without the inflated price tag. That sounds great. It is. And for a limited time, get 50% off 3, 6 or 12-month plans of unlimited premium wireless. App off you say.

That's right. Get ready to stop paying more than you have to. New customers can make the switch today. And for a limited time, get unlimited premium wireless for just 50%. $15 a month. Switch now at mintmobile.com slash gam. That's mintmobile.com slash gam. Up front payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months, or $180 for 12 month plan required. $15 a month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra, initial plan term only. Over 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy. Capable device required, availability, speed, and coverage varies. Additional terms apply. See mintmobile.com.

This is my fun fact. You stole my fun fact about it and should have been. Okay. Okay, man. Okay. Okay, so just, um... Hey, hey, what's up, man? Hey, Satan. Oh, hey, uh, Beelzebub and Rath, Rath, Gronofer. How's it going? How you guys are doing?

Good, good, man. You said my name crazy. So, uh, I was, uh, meeting Jesus. Great, great, really, really working on bringing him over to the dark side, so... Yeah, yeah, sure. So, uh, what'd you do? Hmm? Hey, like, what'd you do?

Did you offer him? pleasure or power or no we um we played uh touch the leper you you played touch the leper okay just touch the leper when when he got close i i i pushed him oh okay sure hey what the fuck is happening right now i don't know i just got nervous i was like oh this is the son of god and if i like get him this is like totally gonna be the best

And then I was just like pushing him And I was like, ha ha ha! And I was doing this weird laugh. Okay, man. No, it's okay. Am I stupid? I feel stupid. Did I do stupid?

No, it's fine. He's a kid. He probably didn't even think about it. Where is I? I made him a wooden snake. Why? So that he'll join me against God. Sure.

Got it. Did you think he'll like it? Yeah, sure, man. I mean, maybe. I worked really hard on it with my Satan magic. Cool. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to reopen on Nick Cage going out for the morning paper and finding a dead sheep offering on the stoop.

And Nick Cage, the actor is like, not this again. Come on, yeah, man. Okay, and it's from the godfather, which is funny, like the horse head. Oh, yeah. But this is actually a dead sheep from the godfather. So, yeah, so later that day, we've got Jesus down by the well playing with crickets as he is want to do. In this movie, Jesus is obsessed with grasshopers. Okay. Yeah. Was he a bug pervert in the Bible? I don't remember any bug pervert things. There are a lot of bug pervert indications. He could have

been a bug pervert. I mean, it's an interesting choice to make about the Savior. Yeah, it's an interesting choice by God, too. Because if that's true, then God was like, hey, put the bug pervert stuff about my son in the retcon things. I want people to understand why I made so many species of them, Michael, I'm looking through here and everyone missed out on the fact that I kept being like, and by the way, put bugs in your butt. It feels amazing. Let's put it in the infancy gospel of Thomas. It's three pages long.

So Jesus is played around with the bugs and dad is washing Mary's feet, Nick Cage is. And he says, he's having this conversation with mom about like, that fucking kid. That kid isn't a fucking savior. Come on. Give me a little. Look at this fucking kid. It's an awkward thing. For parents, like when you think your kid is the son of God from a magical prophecy,

and he's just so shitty and it's taking way too long. Yeah, Nick is so disappointed. I think that's like every parent approximately. Every Jewish parent for sure, yeah. Not everybody's parents. How's Max doing? Great. It's only half Jewish, so only I'm disappointed.

Check some puddles. So, okay. So, but Mary's like, you know, He's like, come on, man. The kid's too dirty to be a God. And Mary's like, well, maybe if you didn't punish him so much. So then Nick Cage gives this the, it's harder on me than it is on him's speech. Yeah.

But he's going to try to buddy up to Jesus in the next one, which is great. He's like in his shitty dad makeup cover. Hey, kiddo. What are you doing pervert bug stuff? Cool. He's like the abusive Little League dad, but it goes back and forth where he like yells at him. And then he's like, hey, oh, I'm really sorry. I'm sorry about the yellow.

Do you want to drink your first beer? You're into, you're more of like an indoor kid or we're outside now. That's good. That's cool. You got bugs. You want to do musicals. So, but meanwhile, speaking of bugs, Jesus has got his little grasshopper and he's like, am I a magical healer? So he squishes this bug in his hand.

Now, like he's fucking Lenny. It's just like the son of God. Like. Yes. Of mice and son of men. Amazing. is not quite an intercut to him being like there's no way

he's the son of God but it feels like it right? It is right, yeah, yeah. There's no way that's the son of God. Goose! Oh, I died. You see what I'm saying, right? Fucker Twigs.

Let me say, when I come to you fuck a twigs and tell you this is not it. So, but then, like, so, but he's going to heal this grasshopper, right, that he just squished. But like, I'm like, but even if you healed it, you have cricket.

guts all over your fucking hand, man. And that's gross, right? You got all that goo on you. There you go all better. That's your leg. Or it was your leg. I guess you have an extra leg now? Not sure what happened. I did kind of a this. Well, but apparently though, Jesus reforms him, right? Because when he opens his hand, there's no

cricket goo and I'm like, wow, the goo reformed into a cricket. That's impressive shit. Like the liquid metal guy. Right. Well, yeah. Well, it makes you wonder about when he like brings Lazarus back to life, the guts just all go back in and shit. It comes skittering from miles away right inside a dung beetle somewhere

is like I feel full after eating that guy but it's 30 minutes later I'm all empty again but yeah but then he heals to cricket and just then mom comes or I guess Lilith's mom comes down for some water to the well

and we see the plastic ass bucket that they got for the well just a fucking Home Depot bucket with branding on the sun still got the sticker on it. They didn't have to show it to us. Yeah. Okay, here's what I suspect,

and I bet we have a history pervert in our audience who will do this for this. I bet ancient wells used like the bladder of a ram and they have ancient pictures of what it looks like. Right, right, and this is exactly accurate. And so someone right now is like, that's actually an incredibly historically accurate bucket, and then they turn to a shelf of historical buckets next to them.

I believe it's the P-160. Give you a second. You see? It's identical. I didn't like most of this movie, but I love the bucket. I saw it there. Bucketwork.com gave this a 10 out of 10. You do not want to cross the bucket people.

No, I think you're right. Okay, so that night, the leper, the healed leper. I am D bucket. I'm so sorry, I'll be doing this for the rest of the podcast. So that night, the former leper, he's standing around the fire, telling everybody how divine Jesus is. And Satan is looking at him like, you're fucking up my whole goddamn thing, right?

This is not... I had a thing going. I pushed him, and it was kind of a fun, flirty moment. Giving him sheep. I didn't realize we were giving sheep. Now I feel like I didn't have a gift the first time we met to him. I'm going to bring a gift. Oh, God, and he does.

Jesus gets, Satan gets nervous and gives him a gift. Yes, you're right. Hey, I know that guy gave you a sheep, but was there? You can only play with it. a dead jeep for one or two days. What's this behind your ear? Such dirty. I got your ear.

So, okay. So, but, and then, so Satan gives the leopard guy a peach to eat, right? Like a cursed peach. And this poor actor was given the instruction to eat a peach insanely and he

went for it, man. He fucking went for it. Yeah. Here's the problem with trying to eat a peach old timely. Everyone's known how to eat forever. Yep, they sure have. We didn't have a lecture. You don't remember a class from middle school where we're like,

you know, in the 50s, nobody knew bite into it and don't just sort of let it go rogue across your forehead. I think you're being really judgy about the smudgy faces and the eating styles. People do stuff like this. Is this why you don't notice that you have a lot of peach in for your face until you go out in public once a month. Do I right now? You do.

We spent a lot of time getting the peach off Heath's face this afternoon. That was most of the record. So, okay, so the next morning, Nick Cage wakes Jesus up, so they have to go, like, deliver some shelves that he made to town? I'm the son of God, but yeah, no, let's do some errands. Let's go down to Home Depot. That sounds fun. Yeah, it's a great use of my time.

I can cure lepers. There's this weird, and it never matters to the plot, but he shows up, he gives the guy the shelves. the guy was like, oh, these are short. This is not what I need it. And he's like, you're going to have a discount. And he's like, well, that's, what would I do with shit?

I can't. Why would you, again, why would you work into the details of your Apocry? And Joseph, father of the god, kind of fucked people as a carpenter. He always kind of, well, I think it's supposed to be going the other way. I think the guy's supposed to be trying to fuck him.

I think Nick Cage was haggling with somebody on the set. That's probably true. He actually made. some shelves and they're like, keep it, keep it, this is gold. They won't let me talk to fuck a twig. Now, on the way, on the way to town, though, they do happen upon the guy that he cured of leprosy who's now dead from Satan Peach, right? We actually zoom in on his mouth where the peach is still there.

So we see the fucking, we see the murder weapon. But so while Nick Cage is inside haggling about his two short shelves, demon girl sneaks up on Jesus and gives him a little wooden snake that she's made, which was very sweet of her. Right? And he's like, I don't want to take your snake. You push me into a leper. To which she's just like, yeah, but you like to be pushed into that leper.

Come on, you were into it. You were into it. Admit it. He's like, they have a sort of like, come on, you liked it moment. And he's like, they totally do. Yeah. But he's like, I'm not allowed to play Gentile games. and she's like, it's a fucking, it's a snake, man, it's not a Gentile.

Do I have to circumcise this snake or something for you to play, take the fucking thing? I like they went with Jesus as a sub instead of a dumb in the place. Yes, right, right. No, I think that's fairly obvious in the literature. But then she's like, she's like, I know a secret. And she leans in real close and she says, come find me among the sick. The sick. Hey, hey, sorry.

This is going to sound crazy. Are you a demon? Are you a demon? It's a lot of clues. You just said a crazy thing. You said, find me among the sick. You give me a snake toy. Really problematic that you're among the sick.

There's a real implication there. Okay. Noah, thank you for saying among the sick. I heard Sith and spent, I'm going to say seven minutes being like, are the Sith in the Bible? Which, by the way, not the first person to ask that question. Yeah, no, Google Auto-combolems it. Christian Star Wars fans?

You get a good deal of porn when you started searching that? Ben diagram? Your boy. Right in the middle. All porn. Awesome. So, okay. So, but then Nick sees Satan tempting his son and runs her off.

And then we get like Nick Vio praying to God that the movie would just get on with it at this point. It's just so fucking funny for the movie to be agreeing with me. It's like, I really wish something would finally fucking happen to justify all this. There's no way. There's just 90 minutes. Like Nick Cage, Joseph got. fucking ghosted by God for like 14 years. And now he's like praying for a text back being like,

I could see us on red for so long. I sent you all these bulldogs and now now I don't know what to text anymore. I'm the last four texts in the thread. It feels weird. I uninstalled this app that we're using. So but then we see darkness, right? Like demon is attacking somebody.

only way that I know it's Lilith is that the subtitles come up and say Lilith screams. Yeah, luckily, yeah. Yeah. So she gets dragged out of her house in the night by a demon. And the next day, we're in town, Nick Cage is carving away at his idol. And Jesus

looks out, he sees Lilith in town looking all demon woozy as she walks by, right? Yeah. She's walking like in men in black when DeNafrio was wearing the human suit. She had sugar water. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That moment. So as she's walking around, she collapses and starts kicking up demon goo, you know?

Mm-hmm. Her throat at this point appears to be like full of demon. Yeah, it's like a chest burster in there. Yeah, I thought we're going to get like a xenomorph thing through the throat. Yeah, yeah. Right, right. And also, and Jesus is just watching, Nick Cage is like, I know you could heal her, but don't, don't. No.

Why not? Let her cook. But yeah, so her mom runs up to try. to help her and she bites mom's cheek off. Nice. Yeah. Great prank. And mom, like, looks right at Jesus and says, this is your fault.

And I'm like, come on. How the fuck are you going to get him? Why would you think it's your miss? Have a scene. I don't know. My dad said mysterious way. Ah, no. You got to just trust it.

But Nick Cage believes her, right? When she's like, this is your fault. He takes him home to punish him for making Lilith bite her mom's face off. Did you fill that girl with demons? Look, I remember when I was a young man, the urge to fill the local girl with demons is a big one. But you got a, bud, you got a rampant before you. We've been dealing with crazy demons.

You took an evil snake toy from a girl who just like, I don't know, magically zooped into town at nowhere like three days ago. She has a skin mask. It's kind of obvious. Do you hear it? It's very hard to take a performance. It's hard to take any Nick Cage performance seriously, but it's especially hard

when he's holding a wooden snake toy that kind of click and click and clack. And he's like, did you put your name in a couple of fire? So, yeah, but then we have the literal you're not my real dad moment. Yes. Right?

Nick's like, I still pay all the bills are out here. I'll kick you out. So he rushes off. Nick Cage rushes off. They go through all the beats of bad stepdown. Well, your mom chose me. Oh, maybe I'm me and mom will go to get.

No, your mom likes me better than she likes you. Mendelssohn's kid hit for the cycle at literally the other day. You were old for four. So yeah, so Nick Cage storms out. He locks the door behind him, but the door, it's just a latch that Jesus can reach from inside. Yeah. It's so silly.

So Jesus just reaches it and he's like, you're really dumb and he just slides it open and walks out. It's old timey times we don't have locks yet. Yeah, but before he does, though, there's a, to really underscore how stupid he is, there's this moment where, like, Mary comes out and they start talking about him, like right in front of the cage.

It's not even like an eavesdropping moment because they locked him into the space that they're now talking in front of. I can hear you guys through the slats. They are large, and the gaps are big. Yeah, and even if they weren't, and that's not how sound works. Sound just goes right through, yeah.

Why did you choose the name fuck a twig? So, yeah, but then they go inside. Jesus wanders off, you know, to have a think. And wouldn't you know it? He happens upon demon girl. Yeah. She's just out there desecrating peaches. She's got an evil cursed scorpion fruit in her hand.

Yep. Corpian and a peach. Yeah. And then we see that there's a bunch of them. Like, she had a pile of those. Yeah. Just like scorpion cursing a bag of peach. peaches for fun.

You know what I do is I put on a podcast and I do a bunch of scorpion peaches at once. I have all the scorpion peaches I'm going to need for the whole week, you know, at the end of it. Nice little salad. This is really life. I just put it on and I, you know. You can prep them. You can put them in the freezer. It's like egg bites.

But yeah. So she's like, oh, I'm glad you showed up. There's something I want to show you. And I'm like, hey, last time it was a leper she pushed you into, man, don't follow her. You decide where to go on the next day. but no, she takes him up to torture him. Where they've got like every type of torture this writer could think of going on simultaneously.

Yeah. And you can really see it was tough because they didn't realize how much torture required metal. So he's like, this one, okay, crucifixes, obviously nailed it. Got it. Then there also tie you to Big Rock. Okay. It's a lot like crucifates.

There's also tie you to the ground. Sure. It's also this X thing. I guess that's just crucifying you. I think hang, you're just dead. Yeah. It's not tortured. What if we build, do you ever see like one of those ropes courses in the mall?

What if we build like an area? Like that's kind of fun. But like, there's little spots where all is torturing. But there's people where people are being tortured. Yeah. Yeah. Just like a regular ropes course. Like a ball.

We put a chilies. Yeah. Just a fat dad trying to catch his son. Yeah. I'll let you watch porn on the television. On the main television of the center of the house, just climb down. Climb down and stop it. I'm so much of my flesh is pressed against these white robes.

I'm Eli Plosnikin. The stories feel. You want to go to the Crock Store? So, God, you just, he cannot wait until his kid is old enough for him to tempt him with porn, right? Yeah. So, but then, like, he go, they go to the torture hill, and we see here that Lilith is being crucified as punishment for her demon goo and face biting, right? And Jesus does like a fucking call forward, right? Shows how much like Eli he really is when he goes, just, I will know all of this on Golgotha.

This fucking flash forward doodily swooshes into his, right? Of like, pre-TSD, I guess is what he has. and he's just seen stuff that doesn't happen to him yet? When this happens to me, it'll be really bad too. And Satan's like, I mean, you have healing power.

Yeah, you're going to be fine. You'll be the king of the universe. It's going to be like an owie, though. It's going to be worse for these guys. Yeah. The rope on your skin, it really chafes. You're just going to pre-mope rather than helping? He's like, yeah, you know, you could,

you could heal all these people that are being tortured. He's like, no, no. And you see Satan kind of run out of stuff. She's like, oh. Just no. Sorry, my plan was sort of like you rebel against man's punishment to man, but you're really just kind of rendering under Caesar already. Interesting.

Did you like the snake toy? I could get you a Marvin's magic kiss. There's a moment here too where, like, Jesus is like, I must return to my father. and Satan is like, he is not your father. And I'm like, you guys stole that moment from Star Wars. Come on. Right.

Just ripping it off and shit. We've seen that. Satan's really slow play in the hand as the supreme demon of the universe here. Just kind of like little speeches mostly. Yeah. Just talking about, you know, cuck dads. I feel like you would do so much better work with a single role of Charmin. I could just say.

Yep. Clean. I'm talking nothing. left. You won't even use the whole roll. It'll lose like six squares. So that was going to use more than six squares. So then we get this very edible moment.

Eli had to make up in his head a sane amount of scratch. Right. Where is the number of people who are than he used? 400 squares, huh? Three and a half rolls. Just three and a half rolls for poop. And like that's mostly blood. So okay.

So then we get this very fucking. Edipal moment with Jesus and Mary down by the river where Jesus is asking Mary to run away with him. Yeah. Really seemed like they were going to fuck, right? And then like a couple other times in the movie too. Well, okay. So I think what it is, I think that's because Noah's Jupe,

the guy who plays Jesus in this is a very attractive gentleman. And I think fuck the twigs. I think fuck a twigs was like, well, if he was my son, wouldn't he just sit with his head in my lap and roll his head side to side while we talk? And fucka twig is a beautiful. woman so that whatever guy was like, yeah, no, like we're. And the only other person on set was a literal child in Nicholas Cage. So they were like, hey, can we have an us day?

What if we make a serious, serious acting choice? I know. We're doing apocrypha. So we were allowed to kind of like make stuff up. What if they're like? I've been having to do a lot of scenes with Greta Toonberg and he's having to do a lot of scenes with fucking Nick Cage. We have a nice day where we just roll around on the beach.

We're just fucking. Maybe Nick and Greta do a scene together, huh? There's this great moment where he's like, he's like, hey, is Nick Cage really my father? And she says, why would you ask that question? He's like, well, you're about to lie. And she says, I, fuck, I was about to lie. God. Is that your Jesus powers?

No, you said that the craziest way anyone would ever say the word yes. I said, is he my real dad? You asked the question. back to me. You're lying. Right. Poop. Don't say neither here nor there.

My name's fucking poop. I'm in a movie. There's a camera right there. So, okay. So then, so Jesus checks back in with Torture Hill, right? He goes to talk to Lilith. You know, he yells at the demons inside her. And she's like, talk to me.

And the demons like, gurg-go, gurg-gur-gur-gur-gur-gul. And he's like, Fuck, I don't speak demon at all. Yeah, okay. That made me laugh. Jesus is like, speak. And the demon's just like, ah,

no, no, don't have it. I didn't have a thing prepared. I wanted the demon to be mute like Lilith. Right, because, yeah, he's like,

I fucking, I got the wrong shit for this. Take out a notepad. So you got up to unchain one of my arms here. Do you speak sign? Hey, so Jesus is just a local kid at this moment. So local kids can just like,

mill around the torture place. I guess. Best part of the torture playground. Because people are doing other torture stuff off to the side. And they're like, oh, he's probably just checking it out. Yeah, I mean, who else would use the rope course? I mean, if you were like,

when you were a kid we used to get to go to the fire station. Yeah. So the demon talks to him and spits blood at him. And then, like, Lilith. Really gets them. Yeah, no. And I said, one of my big complaints with spit moments in movies is it's always like, and then someone just does this.

But it's just like, wharf. Yeah. Jesus is wet. He's like, oh, she's like, I'll tell you what. And she's like, I'm going to need a second. We can keep bedring, but you got me a lot. This is in my eyes.

Towels aren't going to be invented for millennia. They've had towels. So, yeah, but then. Not the good ones. Lilith breaks through, no, yeah, not the absorbent ones. So Lilith breaks through long enough to ask Jesus to kill her. And he's like, no, no, no. So, no, I'm not.

mysterious way. Do I use my magic healing powers now? Save it. Now seems like a cool. So then we cut back to Jesus in his Jesus cage. The fucking snake that the wooden snake that Nick Cage threw away earlier is back. It's like slithered back. So he throws it away again.

Right. Okay. Both cage earlier and Jesus here throw it away like five feet. Yeah. And they're like, got it. That's out of my life. Yeah. Exactly.

I'll never see that again. but he goes to go back in his cage and what does he see on the sand across his threshold but rooster prints or possibly hen prints I really don't know how to tell the difference but yeah

so demons have been in there so okay so now he goes back to school you think they could just get shoes that are different right and the demons could yeah little chicken shoes yeah or like just shoes that make it look like any other kind of footprint

yeah no that's what I'm saying just a regular shoe that doesn't have the you know If a rooster gets sneakers, are they Chisix? Yeah. So stupid. So now, okay, so Jesus is back at school. Cox, not Cox.

Stupid. Nope. Didn't work. I thought I had it. Yep. It's close. It's close. If you're not going to beat Chisix,

don't enter the ring. So, okay. None of us are podcasting right now. No, I know. I know. Chicken shoe bun. I just looked up a screen with all shoe nests. James and all bird stuff.

Rebop. Okay, I win. I win. Rebock does win. Well done. Thank you. This is what I'm talking. We can move on.

We can move on. We're, Jeannie, we're free. My nose started bleeding for a second. No, yeah, same. Same, yeah. All right. So, but Jesus is back at school, right? He's trying to recite his passages.

And the rabbi smacks him. And I'm like, oh my God, they're setting up a fucking midrash proving scene, aren't they? They're not, though, right? We then see the rabbi like marching Jesus into town to tell on him to his dad. Right. And to be fair, what he did in the movie is he told him how many years he was going to live, which is pretty funny. But it's not as funny as what happens in the infancy gospel of Thomas where it is implied they like have an argument about scripture. And he's like, you see Christ, this is why you're wrong.

And he's like, oh, really? Got your life. And the guy died. Yes. And the guy died. Yeah, exactly. But no, he's like, he's like, what did you do? He's like, told him how many years he had left to live.

I'm like, boom, got him. Okay, I think that's pretty, I'm going to start giving a death date to people. Yes, you can just say that. They won't know for years whether you were right. Once in a while, I'll be right. And they'll be like, oh, my God, this is actually really impressive. Great job. Impressive.

Yeah, well, fucking nuts. So, okay. So now, like, Nick Cage is chewing him out for getting kicked out of school. And so his punishment, he has to, like, recite all the things that you're not allowed to do on the Sabbath while Nick Cage works on his idol. Yeah. And then he does, he's like, the short version. So he's right, he's like,

thou shalt not blah, thou shalt not, blah. And he's like, you could just list him. You don't have to fucking thou shalt not. I get the, you can do the distribute. Commas, just use commas. Yeah. So he's, but as he's saying this, the idol that Nick Cage has been working on this whole time starts to like rock back and forth

because God's getting angry at him from making it. And then it falls down in, breaks and Nick Cage is very upset. Yeah. And Nick Cage acts fucking surprised. Dude, your job is literally one of the shout knots. Right. And you're asking him to say the shout knots.

Yes, God. Duh. All right. Well, it looks like the real action of Jesus and his stepdad not getting along grade has finally taken root in this film. So we're going to take a quick break while the tensions high. But first, let me give Act 3 the hard sell. Will Jesus get in trouble for bringing clay birds to life on the Sabbath?

Will he bring a dead boy back to life long enough to vouch for the fact that Jesus didn't kill him? Will he kill a boy with his mind just for shoulder-checking him in the marketplace? No, because this movie's too chicken shit to commit to any of the good stuff in its source material, but find out what they did instead. We'll return for the heretical conclusion of The Carpenter's Son. Please, master, heal me. I shall heal you, but you must learn to accept my grace. I will, my lord, but please, first.

Oh, wait, it just works if I touch you? No, no, I have to use my God powers to do it. Really? Because it seemed like you were in the middle of a speech and then I touched you. No, I wasn't, though. I had changed my mind. Excuse me. Are you Jesus the healer for I have an ailment? You don't have to do any of this. You could just touch him. No, no, I have to use my power. Nut check.

Come on, guys. Don't. Hey, if anyone needs healing, you can come nut check this guy and you get healed right away. I'm going to go to Galgotha. Hurry up. He's running. Stop. Get him while he goes.

And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action at Torture Hill in the near total fucking dark again. I put together by examining all of our notes, I have put together. together that the demon girl has killed someone with a rock at this point. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Demon girl at the end of the last scene had a little action sequence where I think she killed everybody at torture rock?

Well, yeah, that's where she has now. Like the lady's like, hey, why'd you smash his head with that rock? And she's like, I'm going to break your something. I can't tell. It was dark. I couldn't tell. And then she has a whole little action sequence. Was this the movie like both sidesing it a little bit and being like Satan frees people

from torture? Well, by killing them, but yeah, yeah, I guess. It also sets up a pretty fucking sweet action movie, right? Where Jesus is the good healer and then Satan and him solve crimes together and ancient Mesopotamia. Okay. And they just fight over like, okay, heal or murder. What do we do? We tread things your way, Jesus.

Now it's time for my way. Where's your head? Play by my own set of rules. Like a buddy. That's exactly what I said. Yes. So they just appear on the criminal's shoulders, you know, and start fighting on top of the head.

Yeah. So, okay, do it. Kill him. I hate my dad. So now, but now Jesus goes to torture hell, right? After Lilith has killed a bunch of, or sorry, Satan has killed a bunch of people. He goes to see Lilith.

There's a bunch of chest bursters all up in her shit. And so he's going to literally. pull the demon out of her mouth. The demon, which is in the form of a snake, he's going to pull a big fucking snake out of her mouth and then set her free. And he throws the snake like five feet away. He does, yeah.

He's like, man, that's just going to get in another lady. I wanted an immediate snake bite. Oh, I wanted an immediate other person gets filled with demon. Like, hey, I'm still over here. Shut up. Oh, yeah, he's got to pull it out of that guy too. Yeah, right, right. But Lilith is free now.

He's like, you got to run off. The people are going to still like, you know, I mean, they saw you bite your mom's cheek off and all that. Like, you know, they just still be freaked out. And she's like, I promise to tell the whole world about you. And he's like, I'm kind of trying to keep that. I kind of reveal what I want to do. I like that her big kill right here was some lady and she wrist controls the lady to death.

Yeah. Satan is the king of risk control. Yeah. Obviously. Satan bented risk control. But then there's this point where, like, all of the people are like, you know, looking for Jesus and they're going to go, they're going to get him or whatever. And he yells, you shall not judge.

And I'm like, well, you guys stole that from fucking Lord of the Rings. I mean, you know, let's come on. Come on. Only me. No, no dad comments from the fence about, you know, protecting the plate also. Yeah. I'm still working on this. I think I'll have it better worked out in Matthew, but like, I'm, I'm the judge and you're not.

That's it. Yeah. There's a three-oh count. You're supposed to... Let's take a strike. Supposed to butt. No? So at least you'd do that, like, the sport you were in and everything.

That's right. Meanwhile, we're back at the house. Nick hits his thumb with his hammer while he's working to fix the idol that Jesus broke. Nicholas Cage, the actor, 100%. He hit his fucking finger with his giant. He's in a little way out. Wooden mouth. That's fair.

That's very possible. How did it get burned? Everybody's like, yeah. We told you not to play with the mallet all the time. He said no spacework with the mallet, Nick. So, but then the boss comes in, right? Nick's boss, the guy who hired him and he's like, hey, everybody in the village thinks your son is a demon,

you probably should get the fuck out of here, right? And he's just like, ah. You tip my finger so hard. I'm trying to put you on what you're saying, and I really care about it, but I also, it's, I think the nail is like cracked, and I'm trying not to look at it. Oh, oh, it's off.

It's a hot. When will Band-Ais be invented? When will Band-Ais be invented? Oh, it's so long. It's so long. It's so far. So Jesus comes in and Nick Cage yells at him for practicing black magic. And then Mary comes to his defense and says, you know,

you're still just mad because God had a bigger dick than you. And I told you that time. You asked. You asked about it. And I told you, and you're mad at that. And you're taking it out on my kid. I thought I was going to get a second vision. Yeah, right.

But yeah, because this is where he goes full, like, are you sure God fucked you? Because if not, like I look like an asshole here. I would just go look like an asshole to his. He would just do a normal cucked guy thing. Where I tell everybody my grandmother's Italian. And that's why he looks like that. And Nick Cage becomes just Nicholas Cage in every other movie here.

He goes full. Why is the doll burned on this fucking scene? He's just like, yeah, he's clawing his face. like bees. I actually I saw this moment and I was like I remembered Wicker Man and I was like I'm watching the bear suit punch. I'm watching that.

Yeah. Yep. So yeah, so Joseph yells at Mary about whether she fucked around none or not and I wrote my notes at this point like who is this movie for? Right? Because like they wanted to shoot they were going to shoot this movie in Egypt. The entire

nation of Egypt was like no. And so they had to go to Greece because it's so fucking blasphemous that no Christian could enjoy. it. But it's so Christian that no fucking atheists could enjoy it. Who the fuck is this for? Nick Kay. Yeah, right. Right, yeah. It got banned

by a Christian, a very Christian country, I'm pretty sure. I'm not surprised at all. Yeah. Yeah, because it's got fucking Jesus jerking off to the neighbor lady taking a bath. And Nicholas Cage. So, yeah, right. So then, okay, so Nick sets off looking for the lighting director, and we

hear like demons snarls in the dark, I guess Jesus has wandered off in the, in the whole, you're not my real dad to huff or whatever. And now Nick Cage is going to find him. And we're like, can you not hear the fucking demon snarls? And just as we're thinking that, a snake gets Nick Cage. Oh, I'm coming in the fucking leg. I'm Nicholas Cage.

Right on my missing fingernail too. Fuck. I'm the actor, Nicholas Cage. Ow! Fuck. It's 2020. Where's my snake hammer? Like, I understand this

is supposed to be the emotional peak of the movie. There's no words for how funny it is for Jesus Christ to be in the foreground of this movie being like, Father, is it true that I am the Lord and save for you of sin? And in the background, Nick Cage is just fucking dog.

I sat on my balls. It's so crazy to walk in this robe. It's ridiculous. I'm caught in the rope. Tell me, mother, will someday Ha! So, yeah, so, but the snake gets... Season of the wind!

And Jesus, Jesus comes over to... Yeah, of course. So Jesus comes over to Joseph, and he's like, okay, I'll heal you, but first, who's my real dad? And he's like, yeah, no, God's your real dad. Yeah. Well, actually, first he has this.

big Voldemort moment where he's like, actually, it's a sin to say your dad's name? And he's like, say it. And I'm like, well, come on, man. How many people's names are a sin to fucking say? Right. Obviously, your dad's Yahweh. And he says, he's a Yahweh. Yahweh.

Right. And then Jesus is like, okay, I guess I have anti-snake magic then fucking. Yeah, right. Yeah. Okay. Bye. His little snake bite. And he leaves.

He storms off. And I'm like, the snake is still there, man. Okay, magic healing in a snit is fun to launch. Huffy magic. Right. the Bible that includes one, like, oh, okay, but don't, I'm mad.

You want some wine? That's not the hair of the dark. Okay, there you. Boop. Just like gives a jug a single shake. It's vodka, go. So then, okay, so now we cut to the torches and pitchforks mob that's coming for Jesus, right?

Somebody pops in and punches Mary in the face. So this movie includes the Virgin Mary getting punched to the face. Christians love that too. They barely show it. It felt like it could have been Nicholas Cage in the bear suit. Just doing the same thing. Punched punch fucker twigs and they were like, hey guys, we caught when Nick Cage punched

fucker twigs in the face. We're going to have to edit the shit at this. I feel like we should use it. It feels like a waste not to use it. Or if you're going for Lopatrava, right, which, hey, makers of this movie, you fucking did, have Mary be like I'm a virgin.

Not a bitch. because Satan has karate powers. Right. Yeah. No, obviously we've seen them. Or she they didn't, as I call them. And then we get the most blouses from this moment in the entire fucking movie, right? So the town's looking for Jesus. Jesus is sneaking away. Some kid, some like 14-year-old kid is like, I've seen him. I've seen Jesus. And he runs off.

He's like, I'm going to tell everybody where you are. And Jesus just uses his telekinesis powers to break his neck like 11 with his soldiers. He force chokes a kid to death. Yes. He does a snap. He does it like, oh, you die.

Fuck. Why did die? The first thing. Oh, I could have just like, make you fall asleep. Fuck, I knew about sleep this whole time. Oh, wow.

I could just hover him. I could just hover him. I got to write this all down. I got to, okay, I can bring him back to life. Oh, I'm going to tell everyone you killed me. Oh, that's two. So new with this.

Do I get three? So new with this. I need my own smallville spin-off. Honestly, I would like for a recent one. Jesus just bringing this kid back and killing him again in a panic. Oh, gosh. So yeah. So, but then, so Nick Cage beats up a nun, I think,

and takes unconscious Mary out on a donkey at this point. I don't know. Again, it's dark. I have no fucking idea what happens here. So, but meanwhile, Jesus is back on Torture Hill and he sees that demon girl has gone through and killed everybody now. Yeah. She's just like eating human flesh

She's eating a piece of presumably human flesh Like it's an artichoke leaf She's got it up And she's just like scraping it sensually along her teeth Yeah, yeah, uh-huh I eat artichokes very sensually apparently I was trying to like move past that for your sake But you brought us back

That's on you Scott butter She says she says I'll take you to your father And I'm like ooh she's gonna kill you but no, she takes him to a fucking waterfall. Meanwhile, like Nick Cage and Fucka Twigs, they wanted something to do in this movie as well at this point.

So they're like waking up to like a red dawn and there's demon snarls in the background and they're just yelling and having some kind of spiritual crisis, I guess. Praying unsuccessfully. Yeah. That's got to be just like so many people throughout history. They were like, Oh, fuck.

This is harder. Still really bad. Yeah. But Mary comes to, she's like, where's Jesus? And he's like, I'll go find him. She's like, I'll wrestle with the demon noises up here. Right. And as he goes to walk away, she goes, wait.

The contract says, I have to kiss you one time while we're doing this. Cage walks away so slowly, clearly hoping for a wait. Here I go. And you see fuck a twigs be like. Oh, wait, wait. Okay, here's the thing. Your lips are going to touch mine, Nicholas Cage, and it's going to be the softest thing you've ever felt.

And I need you not to cry and shit yourself. Okay. At least pick one. At least pick one. So, okay. So Jesus follows demon girl to this waterfall. And he's like, oh, I sure miss my parents. And I'm like, it's been 13 minutes, dude.

Come on. You just, you know, don't worry about it quite yet. And demon girl was like, they hate you now. And he's like, I don't think that they hate me. They don't. I don't know why I said that. I forgot you have lie detection powers. The power set is so confusing.

Hey, I just killed a kid like five minutes ago, by the way. He tells Satan, hey, by the way, I just killed this kid. And then I thought of like putting him to sleep or hovering him. It was just, it was so much easier. But. I thought Sam was going to be like, oh, wow. I mean, I do a lot of bad shit. But like, do you have a good reason to kill a kid?

No, I just kind of panicked because he was. going to tattle. Okay. Did you bring him back to life and then kill him again? No. Yeah. So we got Nick Cage just wandering aimlessly to try to find him. And he sees demon girl.

I got to kiss fuck a twerk at work. It's cool. She smelled nice. Oh, we had the moment where like Satan has to tell him all about like how, you know, me and me and God, we used to be like this, you know. But then I wouldn't bow to add him. Oh, my God. I don't want to hear about your breakup.

just a fucking friend's only story from Satan about what an abuser god is like please as you know my former abuser god stop stop it Satan unsubscribe she's very politely though inviting Jesus to hell right

she's making it sound pretty good she's like look I had a place waiting for me it is organized one very very Warm is not. Warm.

You're never cold. Never cold there. So yeah. So and then Jesus turns to her at this point. It goes, who are you? And I'm like, oh, come on, man. What are you fucking stupid? Like, obviously she's Satan.

Just God watching this whole thing. Dude, she's fucking Satan. Are you, the doctor's a woman. Fuck. I gave you the puddle thing. How many clues do you need? She goes, I am the adversary. She says, look there.

What do you see? And we all wrote in our nose, nothing. It's just a fucking shadow. And then Jesus. Jesus says nothing. It's a shadow. Oh, is there nothing?

That's a whole movie. They told me they were going to see GI. Yeah. But then they resume in on the nothingness. And there's like a, like a Sarlac maggot pit. I cannot tell what. Sarlac made of damned people. Is it damned people?

Okay. There's like crawling people that did look like maggots. Yeah, for sure. Okay. I got really excited because I thought we were going to get the Thomasine vision of hell where the gay people climb up the other gay people. and then jump off because they want to fuck them. I was like, okay.

Different apocrypha. Yeah. But Jesus, at this point, finally realizes that this is Satan come to torment him. And Satan is like, say my name, say my name. And he's like, now it's like the fucking salesman that wants me to read the price for myself or whatever. Just you tell me your name. But then he says, he says, you are satah. So.

But just then, Nick Cage comes across. demon girl tempting Jesus. Takes a long fucking time to intervene. It's confusing. We see Nick Cage find Jesus getting a massage from a demon lady who's not 11 satan.

Well, right. He sees Satan as a different person. Right. He sees Satan as this just different demon. But like 11 satan looks like a demon too. I didn't understand this. Yeah, I guess everybody sees Satan differently. That's his weaknesses. that lady.

It looks like the poppet and locking demon from earlier in the movie. Yeah, yeah, the one that was on the mount. If Nick Cage has a weakness, it would be a demon giving him a massage. I guess that all tracks. Same boy, same. Yeah.

Can I say this? When he's like, oh, hey, Satan, and Satan immediately turns around and punches him in the face, I laughed a lot. That was pretty fucking funny. That was pretty fucking funny that Satan's way of dealing with Nick Cage was just to punch him in the fucking jaw.

Oh. God, it got hurt so many times in this movie. We got this ridiculous fucking dialogue where demon girls talking to Jesus about how cruelty is of virtue and I set them free at all of this dumb fucking shit. And then she tells Jesus to beat Nick Case to death with a stick. And he considers it for a minute, right? He doesn't just immediately say no.

He does not. But it's a very silly, very small stick to do a death beating. It wouldn't be good for marshmallows, let alone beating Nick Cage to death with it. Well, but then, to make it even more ridiculous, she stabs Nick Cage with it, which is not a thing you can do with a stick of pretty much any size without some preparation. But she stabs him ultimately to death with the twigs she found. Yeah. So again, just to be clear, this is 100% not in the infancy gospel of Jesus.

Nope. So what this movie made up is that. Joseph of Arimathea. No. God's dad. That one. Died at the hands of Satan. Yes.

Was stabbed to death. In the woods by Satan. With a small stick. With a little stick. I feel like Jesus would have mentioned that a bunch more time. I feel like he would, because he was standing right there. He saw it happen. And you know what happened when I was a kid?

A lot of stuff would have come up. It's like, yep, yep. It would just be like Batman's origin story. It would every fucking time. Hey, that reminds me. Yeah. So yeah. And so I wrote my notes at this point, grunt, grunt, slam, no idea, it's dark.

But the demon girl's hissing and then she vomits up a snake at some point. Yeah. And the snake like starts halfway coming out of the mouth and doing tentacle stuff right in cages. Yeah, like the little alien face. It was biblical hentai. Like we got straight to biblical hentai here. Sure. Sure, yeah.

I was like, okay, I've been there, done that boring. Let's go. Right. But Jesus picks up her snake and tosses it aside five feet away. And then the demon girl starts beating his ass. Yeah. Right? Like she's like drowning him in the mud, karate fighting him and shit.

They fight for a while. Okay. That was an opportunity. He just stops dead on top of the water, the blue mud puddles. Oh, there you go. Trying to push him down and he won't go. What is happening right now? Come on.

Oh, that would be amazing. Yeah. I guess I'll just keep punching him. But then, you know, I guess like Jesus like remembers his training. Mickey, he says a vision of Mickey. Get up, you son of a bitch, because Yawa love you. Remember when Mickey was like, hey, gouge out the eyes of a teenage girl? Gouch the eyes out of a 15-year-old girl.

My God. Are you not Burgess Meredith? I don't know about this, my guys all dry. So, yes, no, we're not making that up. Jesus fights back, drops this fucking 15-year-old girl to the mud, puts his thumb in her eye sockets and starts to gouge your eyes out until Nick Cage is like, well, that's a little much. No, it's actually not chill.

And Jesus gets to react to that and be like, okay, I get it, dad, but like literally Satan, right? If you're ever going to gouge somebody's eyes out, I mean, it's, I don't know. But if we start killing Satan's, then Satan's are going to kill off. We're drawing the line here? Yeah, and so, but so he learns to forgive Satan. And then he goes to heal Nick Cage And he's like, no, don't heal me this time

He's like, you're sure? Because it's just a little stick. She just got you with a little stick. It feels like it would be relatively. So, no, it's the end of the movie. I want to have a death. I would like to be dead. This is how Joseph died.

Yep. It was really the finger now. And Hersch moon, you think. But then as he dies, he gets a little halo and it looks like Gureness's ring. It's this pathetic little tiny halo. Yeah, he gets like a raver glow stick halo. Yes.

Very silly. Right. But the idea is that he's finally dying. And right as he's dying, God shines through the clouds. And he's just like, oh, come on. Yeah. Now. Now.

With my fingernail. Couldn't have healed that. You're a dick. And then fucking one final sunrise saves us from our lack of lighting. Mary's fine. She like rises up from all the demon voices that she was dealing with. And she's like, I guess that was actually nothing. I didn't have anything to do.

in the last act of this movie. I was just doing that for attention. The entire third act, they're like, well, fuck a twigs, we paid her. We'll have her, like, do five seconds at a time of being somewhere else and sensing the movie is happening. Yeah, right.

That's what's been happening with their character the whole time. Yeah. So Jesus comes back and gives Satan a hug, right? Because that's what Satan would do. It would be so awesome if Satan just stabbed him in the back.

Satan does hugs as well as Heathenry does. Yeah. Oh. Lots of touch. Yep. We're going to tap, tap, double tap. They're there. And we're out.

They're there. She goes, stop. She goes, you will die for miserable people. And he goes, yeah, no, that's my whole thing. No, that's kind of my bit. So. She takes this moment.

Satan takes this moment. She's like, we are the same. And Jesus is like, no. Not really. Not really. Not very much. She just kind of like decided you wanted to be God. And I'm doing like a sacrifice thing.

She's like, yeah, but we're both. You know, never mind. I thought I had it and I don't have it. Don't start it if you don't have it. Sometimes you think you've got it. You start it. Right. And so that's sometimes the best stuff.

Shaving a haircut. Two bits. What a? Jesus goes back to Mary. And he just gives her this knowing look and they walk off. And I'm like, well, you have to tell her that Nick Cage died, don't you? Yeah. He shows up and he just like glares at her and then fucking walks away.

And she's like, hey, man, are you going to explain what the fuck happened while I've been just sensing shit from a far? The sense and demons and shit? Where's your dad? Are we fucking or what? What is happening? So, yeah, and then, of course, as she walks away, she throws the blue blanket over her head. Oh, fuck. She's in the uniform.

Oh, is that a thing? Yeah, Virgin Mary with a blue blanket over her head. It's like her whole thing. Yeah. What are you talking about? Have you never known a Catholic? Keep up with your fucking Virgin Marylore, man. But that does it.

That's going to do it for our review of the Carpenter's son, but it's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to make the same mistake again. So, Eli, tell us what's on deck? Well, Noah, we're headed back into the world of Kelly Copeland's Children's Entertainment with Commander Kelly and the Super Kids, The Thor. Oh, I think I missed the first one of those.

I think I was off for that one, so I'm pretty excited about this. Is this Kenneth Copeland's kit? It's daughter again. Yes, yes. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 544 to a merciful foot close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you like to get yourself among their ranks,

you can make a per episode donation of Patreon.com and thereby earn real access to an ad-free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure check out of sibling shows the Scathing Atheist Citation Needed D&D Minus and the Skafrograt available wherever podcast live.

If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email godoffelmov, Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slapney on Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Kirk, and always use the permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heath and right and Eliobostic. I'm no illusions promise to work hard or earn another chunk next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with the American graffiti clothes. Jesus is still out getting cigarettes. The Holy Ghost is pissed that he doesn't get any of the movies. Comes running on to set. I'm here. Fuck. The childhood gossip. of Thomas was actually way creepier than this movie. Good job, whichever Pope got rid of that one. Right. It's Canadian, so. Yeah. How many toes to Canadians have? Do we know? I don't have.

I'm going to say four? Total or per foot? Or total? Yep, the same question. Thank you. All right. It is. And for a limited time, get 50% off. Delivering to cameras fuck-ins. Jeboi up. It is. And for a limited time, get 50% off. Three, six?

Nope. Not like that. That's the same. No one talks like that. Hal Jordan. Here we go. Maybe the water will make you talk normal. Damn.

That'll help. This content is scanned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm to their hotline at 616. 249-4255 or on their website at creator accountability network.org. This podcast is a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC and was created without the use of generative AI. Its contents may not be used for AI training. Copyright 2026. All rights reserved.