God Awful Movies - 545: Commander Kellie and the Superkids: Sword

Episode Date: February 24, 2026

This week, Donavan and Zak from Jesus Stole Our Movies join us for the second in Kenneth Copeland's daughter's vanity project about a child army.Hear more from Zak and Donavan here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/jesus-stole-our-movies/id1779853783To see us live in San Francisco, click here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-san-francisco-california-tickets-1976632374642If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawfulCheck out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus.Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

It's going to be my option for best, worst use of that quarry they use for all the Power Rangers fight scenes. Is that where she was spinning? Okay. You see all these guys rock up in like their colorful spandex. Somebody's in a rubber monster costume, sweating his ass off, and just see this weird lady spinning off in the sand. I'm using the left half of the quarry. Y'all are in the right. She looks over, hey, shut up about fucking Megasort. I'm doing a fucking leopard pirate music video.

over here. God awful movie. Movies. Welcome back to the GAMCast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema so we can prove there's no God just through our lack of being smited.

I'm your host, No Illusions, and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left as my good friend Heath and right. Heath, welcome back. Super Kids Academy. I miss the first one. It's a musical. So excited.

And Eli, unfortunately, is off this week, but in his stead, we're excited to welcome in a pair of gas masochist. Zach and Donovan are the hosts of Jesus Stolar Movies, where two ex-Christians watch all the movies. Their Christian parents wouldn't let them watch as kids. So I guess basically it's the opposite of this show. Zach, Donovan, welcome to God Alpha Movies.

Hey, how's it going? What's up, guys? Very excited to have you on. It's going great. Can I ask, what was the first movie that you went for that you both really wanted to watch that your parents wouldn't let you watch? Oh, man. I guess the moment we were the most,

excited for was either Power Rangers or Ninja Turtles. Oh, yeah, baby. So, yeah, that's the thing. When I heard the concept of your show, I looked at, I was expecting it to be all horror movies and things with devilish things. And I looked at it as like, who framed Roger fucking Rabbit? And I'm like, wow, man.

Okay. Okay, well, Roger Rabbit is a blasphemous atheist. Clearly. For sure. Clearly. Oh, yeah. Well, you would not believe the amount of times I tell people like, oh, I've never seen that movie.

They're like, what? Why? Right. And it's like both of us, myself and Donovan, were raised in like satanic panic households. Like my mom and dad literally have a story about the D&D books changing the color of the flames and being able to hear scream when they burnt the D&D books. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. And after like enough like full on pops racer-esque gasps from people reacting to me saying I've seen something, haven't seen something as innocent and innocuous as home alone.

We decided to start a podcast that Donovan and I connected from a different podcast. We actually just hit it off and he had the same sort of experience where the most random things were blacklisted. Like we've gone through Ninja Turtles, Power Rangers. Those two in specific actually have their own dedicated satanic panic pamphlets dedicated to them. Really? The Ninja Turtles, huh? Wow. Well, it's Eastern Mysticism, isn't it? Oh, it sure is.

You can't have that. Amazing. It sure is. Yeah. So the reason I haven't seen that movie is because, well, Ronald Reagan decided he wanted to cut taxes for rich people. And then he decided to co-op Christianity. And here we are. Awesome.

And it's, yeah, we so we go through and we'll just like look at Christian reviews for these movies and see how they were reacted to and go through and say, well, why was this kind of blacklisted by church people? And they're not always consistent. But there are some that are, yeah, they're horror movies, violent shit. things that you would expect, like Halloween, of course. Because, you know, Halloween is when the devil climbs up your butt or whatever. Right. And other ones are like Ferngully, which of course, Ferngully. Oh, right, because it's so pagan, yeah.

Yeah. Amazing. Pokemon, of course. Pokemon has always been demons. Oh, yeah. Just ask anybody, you know. That's what the Emon is all about, yeah. Yep, yep.

So, all right, so that's fucking fascinating. And obviously we're going to have links to it in the show notes. If people want to follow you down that rabbit hole, for a while. But in between now and then, tell us, Heath, what are we going to be breaking down today? We watched Commander Kelly and the Super Kids The Sword. It's the story of Kenneth Copeland's daughter wanting a music video so bad and sitting her dead make a movie around her having a music video in that movie. Oh, so bad. It's pretty amazing when it breaks out, though. And Donovan, how bad was this movie. Well, it was bad enough to make me want to personally call all in each and every one of my Sunday school teachers and curse them out and scream in tungs.

But they won't know what you're saying to them because they don't have an interpreter. Right. No, but they'll pretend to know. Yelling gibberish. I was going to say, do they yes and that sometimes to pretend that they're like that holy that they do understand? Oh, absolutely. But they'd probably spin it to some positive shit. Yeah, they'd be like, hey, don't you call me a shun.

So is there anything you just want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah. Best worst. Worst worst, unused mine cart. Thank you. They set up. So as many of you may know, my favorite board on Donkey Kong country is Mind Cart Carnage. It's fucking awesome. It's come up quite a few times. They have on their set, they have a big track, big hallways.

They have the cart. They could do this thing. Yes. And every time they get to the place where something with it might happen, they don't use it at all. Right. I was furious each and every time. Or it happens off.

Look, Chekhov's fucking mind card. If a mind card is introduced in Act 1, it must jump a gap in the rails by Act 3. Yes. Thank you. Absolutely. Oh, yeah.

Or help Indiana Jones escape at some point. Well, right. And jump a gap in the rails. Yeah. That's in the Geneva Conventions. 241. This was a war crime. Amen.

So Donovan, did you have a best worst for us? Yeah, best worst use of church funds because we all know that's how this movie was made. Well, and it was deliberately made to lose money, right? Like almost certainly it's just a tax dodge type thing. Oh, yeah, more than likely. This is a producer situation real hard. I have best worst implementation of the Americans with Disabilities Act. Really?

Because, yeah, let's hire people with disabilities as actors. That's great. but if that disability is facial paralysis, maybe they shouldn't be acting. If your disability is bad acting, that's not exactly how it's supposed to work. Botox was a wonder drug on this set or something. Yeah.

Oh, and I was going to go with best, worst, verbose scene titles, right? Like, okay, look, I don't know what particular fucking autistic person they got to write these goddamn subtitles, but the person's like, hey, look, if we put the time in one of them, the time has to be in all of them.

Okay, God damn it. Which cell block are they in? There's always way more information than we need in every one of them, and I love it. What's the latitude and longitude of this? All right, I guess we're going to put those in. All right. Well, I know I need a few deep breaths before we can dive all the way back into this, so we're going to take a quick break.

But on the other side of it, we'll dive into all the random music numbers that are Captain Kelly and the Super Kids. Sword. Just Sword is the fucking... Post-colonic on that. All right, everyone. Welcome to the first writer's room meeting for Commander Kelly and the Super Kids. Woo! Super Kids.

And, of course, we're excited to welcome in the show's star Kelly Copeland and our executive producer Kenneth Copeland. Thank you all so much. I have a six-bedroom home. I don't pay taxes on. All right. Well, so Kelly, I understand you have a few ideas for this film? Yeah. It'll be all about me, Commander Kelly, and I'll lead an army of children.

Sorry. Sorry, you'll have child soldiers? Mm-hmm. A whole academy of them. And when Satan tries to interfere and he will try to interfere, I can send my child soldiers in the harm's way to defeat the great enemy. I got six bathrooms, too. Two whole acres land. Uh-huh.

Okay. And what will you be doing, Kelly, while the children are taking on the literal Prince of Darkness? No, probably reading the Bible or maybe doing a music video. A music video. Daddy said I could do a music video. Okay. I own an airplane too. Right.

And then, at the end, when we're all trying to escape, I could see a bunch of little kids about to melt in a live. Uh-huh. And would you stop and save them? No, no. I'd send another kid to save them. Of course you would. Yep. Because otherwise, I might get hurt. Sure. I also own the airport. The airplanes parked at because that's where you're pork airplanes.

Only reason we're doing this fucking job, man. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open the action on sub-level three of the Super Kid Academy on day one. We needed all that information right up front. It's day one, by the way, of the movie, right? It's not day one of anything. Yeah, it seemed like they were setting up like some, you know, big prophecy about the days of something. But then it's just like, oh, the movie takes place over like four days.

Yeah, so three-day. That's it. So, and we see somebody walking through like a misty sub-basement. I have no idea why there would be missed. in their sub-basements. No way, dude. Somebody's down there hotbox in the entire Super Kids Academy.

Oh, all right. They have a mind cart disco at the Super Kid Academy with a smart machine. Yeah, somebody's planting BP bombs and they have to like jump out of Diddy Kong's way there as the mine cart comes by. Also, I can't see anything that's happening in this scene of the movie because the lighting for the movie

is nothing. And they realized that. And then the lighting turned into the actor who's using a flashlight in the dark in the movie. So what you can see is maybe what that flashlight hits, which is almost nothing. Right. And the head lamp of the mind cart, which is coming directly at us. Yeah.

But yeah, so we see that. We see this mysterious person setting bombs in the sub-basements sub-basement. And then we take like a shaky camera shot through the vents. and we ultimately wind up seeing Commander Kelly for just a second. I'm like, does Commander Kelly like she looks up like she's getting danger vibes

and like it looks like her left eye stops working? So I guess like some people get spider sense. Commander Kelly just gets Bell's palsy all this. Yes. She gives a little twitchy eye when she senses atheism in her midst. Or people smoking up. Maybe that's it. that she just smelled all the dank from the sublip basement.

And she's like, fuck, I am missing out. All I know is that when the movie started, I was hoping for some kind of like little romp in the vein of like veggie tails or something, you know, cinema. But there was some good directorial choices. Like I thought that goddamn cart was coming at me. Yes, right? Like the old silent film, you know,

where everybody had to jump out of their seats, yeah. Very excited about a mind cart. I wonder if they're going to fucking use it. No, they won't. Bastards. Never. Motherfuckers. All right. So then we cut to the Satan plane.

I wrote my notes, Satan plane, and then the verbose notes were like, no, no. It's the N.M. It's the NME Valkyreary Class A fighter. Oh, you got the new Class A. Okay, cool, go, go, go, never one. And also, like, it's not a, like, it's just a transport plane. Why would he, why would they have, like, they're just moving from one place to the other? Why would they be in a fighter?

This made me think that, like, the people who wrote this have never actually seen a science fiction program. Oh, sure. They've just heard it described. Or a science program. Yeah. Obviously, there's not going to have a crew complement of three for a fighter craft. No.

It's a light cruiser or a bomber at best. Exactly. Exactly. Thank you. At best. And it's not. It's a transport plane. There's no guns on the fucking thing, you know?

So, okay. But this plane is filled with General Bad Guy. Like, I wrote General Bad Guy. His actual name is General Fear. So it's not better. than what I wrote in my notes, right? It's him and a couple of his underlings and he's talking about how

the bad guy from the first one, you know, it really screwed up. I'm going to have to take care of Commander Kelly myself. Oh, that's what was happening. I was wondering if it was like a seat, because I've never heard of these before. So I wasn't sure if like these were characters that were established or not.

So I'm that, okay, this is a sequel. Isn't it? Didn't we do one of these before? I think I was... We have done one of these and I think this one came after it. So, yeah, there's an established canon already, yeah. Okay, I gotcha.

I was kind of lost for a second, but that makes a lot more. Okay, yeah, there's a point where they flash back to it, so that must have been baffling to you. Oh, yeah, it was. Sorry, to catch you up, the super kids beat the atheists in the earlier ones. So now you know, it's happening. Truth to this art. Yes, major dread specifically.

We have fucking general fear and major dread. But major dread explains that, like, You know, sorry, it's not measured. It's one of the other underlings explains that, you know, their weapons are no match for the Superkids' Jeezosity or whatever. Right. This all loops back to, why are we doing this in the first place? Right.

He said, we can't beat the Superkids. They have too much Jezosity. Okay? Right. We know the devil in the story in the Spider-Man comic that is the Bible, because there's no difference. The devil loses the Battle of Armageddon, right? So why even have the dog and pony

show in the first fucking play. Right. It's just so... You know that. Like, you've read the Bible, too. Right. On the bad guy side. It's just so God, or in this case,

Kelly can show off and look cool in front of a bunch of little kids. And have a little music. Exactly. Hey, can we talk about the evil squad uniforms for a second? The epaulets. The epaulets catch your attention. There's a lot of epaulet work.

It's, that's the majority of being an evil. atheist from this evil squad, I guess. They just, they seem to not be aware that that's going to stick out. That's going to catch, you're going to be seen as a bad guy if you have crazy aggressive shoulder lines, for example. Right. Just huge. If you're rocking one shoulder pad but not the other, you're obviously a fucking bad guy,

right? You're a science fiction bat. What good guy scenario has one shoulder pad with spiky things on it? Thank you. Thank you. Exactly. It's like, what a sad around. of villains.

Like, this is a kid's show, right? You know what a kid's show should have an engaging charismatic villain? You know, you got your Skeletors, you got your Megatrons. Like, the villain in one of the movies we watch on our show. Megatron is charismatic to you.

Megatron at least sticks out. Like, we could have something. Sure. This is the first time hearing of this. He's a populist. It's a damper on our friendship. And we get, like, the crew of mumblecore stepdad's.

Right. You can't understand what any fucking anybody is saying. I wrote somewhere in my notes that General Fear looks like he should be telling us how woke cracker barrel is from the cab of his F-150 or whatever, the whole fucking time. As he whips his ponytail back and forth. Yeah, exactly. Where's Uncle Herschel?

I fucking loved Uncle Herschel. This is bullshit. General Fear, because I see one of Donovan's notes here, General Fear looks like he's about five minutes away from killing his entire family and writing Bible verses all over him. He's hanging stuff in his home gym. He's like so incongruous with the rest of the like, everybody else is doing a kid's movie and he's like,

and then I will eat their livers. And we're like, God, man, dude, come down. It's kids. It's kids. Got to get a review from the Dove Foundation, man. That's what we sound. You're crazy. So, okay, then we finally get our credits, right?

Where we're going to see the credits over like Kelly Copeland playing with a sword. Right? we get like her slow motion sword playing. That will not be the last time we get to see her do some sweet sword cata pin in that. Oh my God. And what's so funny about it is like obviously like she can't move the sword that much without it flying off the handle, right? Like that prop sword. So she's trying to do all this slow motion stuff.

Honestly, her sexual fascination with that sword is the love story of this film. Right. Thank you. Kelly Copeland's got a team up with James Lindsay. to start doing some content, right? Oh, shit. Giant sword cata together? What?

Maybe like ice dancing together with a giant sword cata? There you go. I was getting serious Christian Zena vibes from this. Where are you? Nope. Do not Sully Zena's name with Kelly Copeland, sir. I don't know, man. Lucy Lawless is a peach.

Yes, she is. So, okay, but then we meet the super kids, right? In the credits. So we meet Valerie, who I have down his old lady face. my notes. We meet Alex, who is the Black Kid. Oh, is that the Hermione one, the one who looks like 80s Hermione? Yes, Hermione. See, I thought she

looked like Linda Blair. Okay. All right, I get it. Linda Blair post-demonic possession. Yeah, right, right. And she will just quote Bible versus at us. We meet Alex. He's the token black kid, but also like the genius computer kid. Did anyone

else breathe a sigh of relief when you realized rapper was a white guy? Yes, right. Yeah. Exactly. And then we also have Missy Paul. They have no personalities and don't matter in any way. And rapper, the white kid who's going to rap at us whether we like it or not. And it's not. Rap asterisk.

Yeah, right. Big qualifiers on the rap. Yeah, right. So then we cut to the super kids getting ready for a broadcast. And we realized that like the plot of this movie is child labor. Right. So Commander Kelly is like an adult who moves among like, all these slave children that run her broadcast network for Jesus.

Oh, yeah, it's a church movie. These are probably actually from the Copeland's church. Like, where better to get free labor than a church? Yeah, no, you're right. That's honestly that we're probably watching that in reality as well. Yeah. Funny story. Extra credit in vacation Bible school.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, right. Funny story. When you guys did the other episode on the first Commander Kelly, it brought back so many horrible, like, flashback memories of as a kid, that was my children's entertainment. We had both of the audio CD with The Caw Man on it. Oh, God. Jesus.

Yeah. And we would sing those songs on the car because I didn't have cable television. Oh, of course not. Until I was 12 years old. Everything was focused on the family movies. everything was this stuff. Kenneth Copeland, strangely enough, has his own vanity western.

Hell yeah. The Gunslinger, which is interesting. Oh my God. Yeah. There's like three Gunslinger movies. Don't forget the mobster one too where he plays like that mobster with the weird accent. I think it's called like.

Oh, he has an Italian accent. Yeah. The lower or something. But yeah, so this, like as I'm watching this, I'm like remembering what this look like. I like, lock this shit out of my brain. I'm like, oh no. I know the words to these fucking songs.

I'm going to throw myself off a brain. Oh, so sorry to put you through that again. So we see that there's a bunch of kids that are like underlings running the station, but there's also the main kids. Those are the super kids. Right. So they come in and they're all like chatting about sports and cool stuff. Except for Alex, who I love, actually.

He's like, yeah, so the football players and the cheerleaders, they're all going to be poor when they're adult because they're dumb and we're smart. I was like, yeah, Alex. Get those nerd grievances in there. I love this. You're going to be working for me. Are they always minutes away from brawling? Because it seems like they're about to just start throwing fists.

It does, yeah. Oh, they're talking some shit to each other. Like, oh, my God. And what's his rapper says, real men play basketball. Yeah. Like, all right, dude, just grow the cornrows out already. Oh, no. Get it over.

Did anybody else see Jean-Beney Ramsey's stunt double in here, Missy? Oh, Missy? Yeah. Oh, Jesus. I have her as Tammy Foe Baker in. Sammy Fay Baker. She looks like 60-year-old Tammy Fay Baker was somehow 15 and in this movie. Yep.

And she acts like it too. Yeah. So then, but now they're ready for the broadcast. One kid comes up and says, signal jamming successful. We're on the air. And I'm like, you're working at cross purposes here. Yeah.

So just to be clear, yeah, they're jamming a signal because they, the good guys, are doing like a Christian pirate TV thing because presumably nobody allows Christian stuff on TV in America in 1997. Well, I think what it's supposed to be is that they're doing their broadcast, that they're allowed to do, but the Satan guys are always trying to jam their signal, right? So they're jamming to jambers. Yeah, exactly.

I think, I don't know. It's so stupid. I don't think anybody really thought all the way through that when they were making this thing. Oh, I thought they were going for like Christian John Galtz was like. like their thing. Oh, okay. All right. So they were like pirating the airwaves because of all the atheist censorship. Like just completely taking over all TVs and everything. Yeah. That's hilarious. That's one of the mountains. So, okay. So, but the broadcast starts hard. They come out hard with no preamble whatsoever. They go, Superkids, the devil is a liar.

Oh, whoa, holy shit, cold open. My God. All these kids are just like, start. crying because they mentioned the name of the devil. Like, oh, no. Right. I just want to know who asked. Like, why did she just come out of the gate with that? Right. And like, I feel like most people, like he's the devil. I mean, like, that's kind of his whole thing. Yeah, we knew that. But then she goes,

you have the word of God at your disposal. And we're all, of course, like, we're like the Bible. She goes, the Super Kid Manual. And I'm like, right, because they can get a Bible anywhere. You have to get the Super Kid Manual from your ass, don't they? Yeah. The Bible is their manual for

defeating all the evil characters in this. And they seem to like insert literally the word superkids into the Bible. Yeah. What they're claiming here. Funnily enough, Heath, there was in fact a superkids manual version of the Bible. Yeah, that you could buy from Copeland's ministry. Are you looking at your copy right now? I burn it.

Yeah. Along with my... Armic and flames change color and everything. You know what I didn't burn, though. your Carmen CDs? How dare you? Fun fact, it's actually a really cool collectible Heath. It's a sweet collectible. It's worth a lot more than when it's started first

whoever first got it. Wait, what didn't you burn? There are, in fact, two Commander Kelly and the Super Kids choose your own adventure and office. Oh my God. Wow. Yeah, they may or may not have them on my show. I like Smea, choose your own adventure. Oh, those were amazing. Okay. So

and now is the time on Sprockets when we dance, right? So suddenly the kids with no fucking warning whatsoever, start singing. Old lady face kid opens up and we see why she's there, right? Clearly part of this was an attempt to launch her Christian music career. But she's going to sing to us about fucking Jesus. Like honestly, when they start singing like this,

I am incapable of even comprehending all of the Jesus shit as English words, right? It's just they might as well be speaking in tongues to me. Exactly. Yeah. When I saw that you were deciphering some of the lyrics and stuff, I was like, oh no, he's doing the work. Yeah. Like the entire song is just basically abdicate any agency in your own life

and become a mindless vessel of God's will. Right. As God tells you to be in the moment, yeah. It might as well be like, there are no stakes in this movie we're making. Our guy's omnipidant and he made the bad guy. Did you notice that the contrast was like super high on her face, though?

You can only make out her eyes and nostrils have. the time? Yes. Yeah. Oh, yeah. She's washed the fuck out. And everybody else is in shadow. Yep.

Like doing whatever they're doing in the back because calling this dancing has to be the most liberal thing Kelly Copeland has ever done. Yeah. Dude, football kid is like leering over another girl in the background too. He's like leaning over with his arms around him. Yeah. Very creepy. Yeah.

So these kids are supposed to like backup dance for whoever's doing, you know, the big musical solo part. And one kid is doing. doing the hand-jive just decided like, all right, my backup dancing is the hand-jive. Fuck you. But they keep teasing the ending. Like they pump fake that this stupid song is going to be over.

But then they keep going like eight times. So I put it on extra fast speed and it became really funny to watch the hand drive happen at like super speed. Rapper cuts in at one point and wraps at us for like two. They give them two stanzas and they're like enough, enough with the satanic rapping. Okay. I audibly booed at the TV. It's like, boo this child, boo this child. There's also like, there's also a feeling during this musical number that the cameraman who's working on it, like just discovered Zoom for the first time.

Because we just keep randomly zooming in and then zooming back out as though the cameraman is then turning to the guy next to him going, huh? Like little did we know that the fiction and the reality of what is happening on screen and behind the camera are the same thing. The person operating the camera is a nine-year-old child. Right, exactly, right. That works for the church, yeah. Okay, at one other point in the scene, they're doing the Bible, like, recitation thing. Commander Kelly's like, you know,

reading off parts from their manual slash Bible. And the kids are clearly supposed to be doing, like, choreographed, kind of culty chanting out the parts of the verse because they all know it. But it's really weird to do that with verses in choreography. It was like a polycule answering machine. of the Bible. It's really strange.

Did you all ever experience the thing where you had to like recite it back when you were kids? Oh yeah. Well, so like once you become sort of a late teen, young adult, you start reading things outside of the purview

of like church-approved stuff. You start to understand like cultic indoctrination technique. Sure. You look at shit and be like, oh. Yeah. This is text. Oh, my.

I'm like half, I'm three steps away from Jonestown. Why am I checking so many boxes right now? Yeah. So the song wraps up and Commander Kelly gives us some more words of wisdom. This is where she says that God's word is, quote, sharper than a sword sharpened on both sides. That's not a level of sharpness at all. That could be a very dull or very sharp.

That's not a unit. Also, there's going to be a lot of confusion with swords that are half dull, right? You call those machetes, I think. It's like a USBA scenario, and you're just like, how do I get it wrong? Every time. Now I'm just like butter knifing something. Fuck.

I was recently watching a sermon by Kenneth Copeland, not trying to get his voice down or anything. And he used this exact same phrase in his COVID-19 sermon. Really? Wow. Yeah. So I was like, wow, they must just use this around the house for like the dumbest shit. I guess so, yeah.

I can't help but thinking, like, were these child? Wild soldiers slash audio visual crew, like the same ones that would later several years be used by Liberty University to do all that unpaid intern production for the movie? Oh, interesting. Yeah. Or were Liberty University actually doing the production on this?

We might have been getting both at the same time. Yeah. So, but then like a fucking nine-year-old comes in and says, oh, Satan almost got our transmission that time. and I'm like, oh, maybe if you put adults in charge of it, it would be better. But there's something that Captain Kelly needs to see because apparently Satan's group is also putting on a broadcast. So we cut over to the NME broadcast hours. I forgot about this.

Very clever. Because enemy. Enemy, yeah, right. And this is where we're going to see major dread for the first time. he's wandering around in his rubber armor grumbling his way through a corridor about how no one takes him seriously here, right? Fuck this little remote control car, goddamn it. It's one of those scenes, right? Yeah, he's one of the single shoulder pad on the left arm and then spikes on the lower right on.

Spice in a weird workflow that his shoulder pads indicate. Well, the spice usually, if you see him in the office, there's an out and an in spike on his arm there. So, you know, it's a little with their memos and whatnot. Got it. But what if his underlink shows up, and he's like, hey, the general's here and wants to see you, so they have to run off and go see the general. So General Fear arrives in his Valkyry Class A fighter vehicle

with much pomp, much circumstance. And this is where he's going to start talking shit to dread for, like, losing to a bunch of kids in the last movie. Mm-hmm. And this is where we get, like, the really horrible juxtaposition of the villains here. like general fear looks like a professional muscle guy, like a wrestler or a football player or like he's trying out for American gladiators.

The rest of them are just like ultra-slubby dregs of Kenneth Copeland's KKK self. Right, yes. Yeah, exactly. Well, they're all like playing comical kid show bad guys where general fear is like raping the corpses of his enemies, right? Oh, God. I understand what you mean 100%.

So, yeah, sorry, sorry. or shielded from that kind of stuff when you were growing up. I should have warned you were going there. But yeah, but God damn it, General Fear is going to turn Commander Kelly and the Super Kids to their side. Right. There was one little thing that I noticed, though.

I started calling in my notes General Dredd to catch a dreaditor. I am God's law. I was thinking of Judge Dread. I called him Judge Dredd like four times by accident. Yeah, no, it's so hard not to. In a certain point, I forgot what he was, and I was calling him just like Captain unpleasant and shit like that. And I know because I didn't want to scroll back up and find it. Also, I just want to point out, like, big picture, the plot here from General Fear, he's going to turn the super kids into evil atheist child soldiers.

And I was like, my God, so much projecting. You do that. That's what your thing is. You do that, Christianity. That's not what anybody else is doing. Absolutely. So then we cut back to the Jesus Broadcast Center where Valerie and Commander Kelly are talking and they're going like, wow, it really feels like, you know, the beginning of an episode, right? Kind of feels like we're getting a movie going here.

And Kelly explains, Captain Kelly, or Commander Kelly rather, explains I don't want to get a rank wrong, that Satan is a liar. Quote, he will make us think something wrong is right. Well, thank you for that primer on what the word liar. means in case we were curious. Although I will say, if you don't count Satan or God as a man, that scene passes the Bechdel test. Yes, right. Technically would.

Also, we're operating within the fictional framework of these kids can operate complex, like science fiction machinery. Yes. But they still have to be explained to what a liar is. Yes, right. They don't know that intuitively. Somebody out there can program a hologram with the best of them. Yes.

Did you guys notice the size of Kelly's head around this point? Oh my God. I don't know if it was just her hair, but it looked like she had a helmet with hair on it. It was like you unlocked a code, right? Like you had big head to code, but only for her. Yeah, she looked like an NBA jam thing. Yeah, right.

Hey, the CGI graphics are just one level away from 007. You're right. You're right. Yeah, they weren't quite at Golden Eye standards, but they were one level away. So, oh, and this is where Kelly wanted to show off that she can speak Russian. So we have a couple of Russian kids come in and speak to her in Russian. Yeah, Maria Bettina is here from the Russian branch of the super kids.

So that Kelly Copland can speak a couple sentences of Russian. Right, yeah, the two sentences of Russian. And the message is Russia is getting more and more Christian. And I'm like, wow, I bet that goes super great for Russia in the future. Wait, hold on. Have, like, the Super Kids not been taught the Tower of Babel story yet? Right, because, yeah, because one of them's like, wait, does Jesus know Russian? Right.

Yeah, it sounds like the first step on the road for some of these kids to realize that God is an abusive jerk. Like, you grunting apes have to all grunt differently and have a meaning. But my kid, he gets everything in one package. Oh, interesting. Fuck you. Yeah. So we have to go to Jesus. We have to go to God because blah, blah, blah.

blah, blah, blah, blah. Right. Two hours and learn all these languages. I've got to have this like passive aggressive owl bothering us all the time so we can talk to other people. So, okay. So Kelly and Valerie, they go over to meet the other super kids at the pray table for a quick prayer. Right? So Kelly's given this prayer

and they're doing this thing and I'm sure as Christians you're familiar with us, right? This thing where like they're ex-Christians, I should say. Like somebody's praying and you're just sort of mumbling along your agreement. But it sounds like when you don't know the words to a song, and you're trying to pretend that you do, right? Because they're just going,

boom, boom, mum, it also kind of sound like they might have been speaking in tongues a little bit, like maybe. Yeah. No, you'd be surprised how much of going to church is just pretending you know

what the fuck is going on so you don't get the pure pressure of everybody hating you. Right, no, I'm sure. It's like an integral part of the indoctrination shit. Mm-hmm. So, okay, but then after the prayer,

Commander Kelly explains that they're about to have a new cadet in the Blue Squad, which is the, you know, the X-Men of the Academy. And one of the kids goes, we've never had a new cadet in the Blue Squad before. And I'm like, well, how the fuck did you all get there then? Were you born into it? I mean, I guess even then would be a, that would be a new member. They say it's not easy to become a member of Blue Squad.

Like, why is it so hard? Do they, like, get jumped in or something? There's a lot of hazing. There's some thick hazing. That's clearly. If you ever see Full Metal Dxie Squadron, jacket? Oh my God. It's just Commander Kelly pacing back and forth and be like,

rapper. How tall are you? Kind of new this. That shit, that man. Listen up, you nasty pukes. Like, holy shit. Calm down, Kelly. So the new member, this is Cadet C.J. Now we see a picture of C.J. But this character has a hat over their head,

You can't really tell what gender they are. And we learned from Captain Kelly that Cadet C.J has a very unique story, not a mildly unique one, as unique stories often are. She was abandoned by, well, sorry, CJ was abandoned by their family, but performed exceptionally on the blue cadet tests. Spy, obviously a spy. Obviously a fucking spy. I love, who was it? I think it was maybe Alex who was like, yeah, clearly a spy. that's going to be what happens here.

Don't bring in. And they're like, no, no. We vetted him. We checked for the word in his heart. Came up positive word. Well, yeah, because Andrew Kelly says, well, you know, and CJ knows the word. And Paul goes, but does he have the word in his heart?

And we're like, what the fuck does that be? Coignant. I also love the part where the robot speaks up to. And he's like, we've also never had a robot on a. our team and Kelly looks at him. He's basically like, fuck you, dude. Well, that poor robot, like that robot is trying so hard to be the comic relief and everybody's just like,

you know what? Fuck you. I don't even like you. Blanker, get out of here. Like, poor robot, like, give us more robot-based shenanes. Like, come on. We bring a whole fucking robot in and don't do anything. What are you going to not jump a fucking gap in the mind card or at the mind card at any

point either? You fucks. So that night we see the we check in on the super kid bunk house because apparently these kids live at their job. The transition here was Matt Powell's bedroom for me. Bunk beds set up, race cars. I was wondering if this was like an orphanage.

Do they steal these children? How does this work out? Yeah. So, but then we see CJ gearing up for their first day of Blue School. We only see it like we're hiding their face so that they could do the surprise gender reveal later. And then we talk, we move over to Satan's Tower where we're going to meet what I consider to be the star of the film.

And that would be, I think his name was Commander Rath. Commander Rath's ass armor. So I have a picture for us, so I'll look at it. But listen, let me describe this. So there are six separate plates of armor, one for each ass cheek that are ass cheek shaped, right? And they're held together by big, thick lines of Velcro. and then there's one for each lower thigh and one for each calf.

Oh, yeah. It's so strange. You got to wonder what's going on in his life. I feel like he had some traumatic scenarios where it went really badly in a fight with a kid in very specific ways. I don't need some custom armor. I was getting the vibes of like,

this is somebody's D&D game. And like, he's the guy at the public D&D game at the game shop. in your local, like your local friendly game shop with extremely weird specific requests to the DM. Like, I want to have no armor anywhere else, but 100%

butt and hip-based offense. So I have to armor my ass. I want to do like that running butt bomb thing that Mario does. I want to like hit back people under the wall. And the DM's just nodding because he wants to be polite. And the guy aggressively sitting on people.

I want to be, I want to be a a gluteator. Oh, well done. Oh, God. I want, like, if honestly, if this was a visual medium, we would have a sketch with this guy in the break room realizing he can't sit down. How do you shit with this?

Maybe that's why it's the Velcro in the middle. Maybe those plates just open wide, like a set of French doors. Hey, Commander Raff, why do you always carry around a big donut with you? What is that? What do you do? Did you get beat up by a kid?

Yeah. No. Why do you guys think that Commander Dred is still hanging around? Like you think that he would just be fired by now Because he's always under the skin of Jean-Claude Van, don't. Yes, yeah, he's always talking shit to his boss, always undermining him. Obviously, it has failed miserably, but yeah,

I guess maybe the boss likes to keep him around to beat up on. Somebody's got to be the whipping boy, right? Maybe Commander Rath, like, is the world's ultimate foremost enthusiast for like banister slides. Oh, all right. So he just like has to get a running and slide down every fucking banistery fine.

Yes, right. He's just got the world record for the longest banister slay. He's got all different ass armors that like fit all the standard gauge of banister shapes. There's just sparks flying and grinding down these.

He's got distance and speed, yeah. I think you saw a pair of assless chaps and he was like that, I want the opposite of that. You know what's missing? There's a gap in the economy. Chaps. I have an idea. Fill that niche.

But then we cut back to Super Kit Academy where there's a red alert that one of the bombs has been discovered. And luckily, CJ, the new recruit, knows bombs pretty well. Well, she does, but not the word bomb, apparently. No. Because she comes in and she's like,

I found an electronic, explode device thing. And they're like, do you? Are you saying bomb? Are you trying to say Bob is good. Yeah, bomb is what we have. And she's like flinging it around

slamming it on the table and shit. She's not being careful with it at all. Sorry, are you a spy? You've been talking weird this whole time. Yeah, now so CJ takes charge. Now, we still haven't done the gender reveal, right? So she's got her hair all up in the cap and we're supposed to think that she's a boy.

But she's telling everybody what to do so she can disarm this bomb. And Commander Kelly is just standing behind her going like, yeah, kid seems to know what they're doing what bombs. I'm good. I'm good. Yeah. I let all these kids take care of the bomb.

They do the bomb wires thing where, you know, you snip the right fucking one. Here's the thing, though. NME was really smart about it. They made all the wires the same color. And I was like, that's genius. So smart. But, you know, kids figured it out anyway. Like you would win almost every movie if you knew to do that.

Yeah. But unfortunately, CJ outsmarts them. And then, of course, once CJ disarms the bomb, she can take her house. often reveal that she's been a girl this whole time. And just as you're thinking, well, at least that's a little progressive, what you hear one of the other girls off screen go, now we can go shopping together. We be shopping, am I right?

Right? She gets it. Come on. So, of course, but back at NME Tower, we learned that that was General Fears plan all along because she was the plant. And now he'll be able to use his secret weapon to control, quote, every power using device on earth.

Seems like overkill. Did anyone else feel super uncomfortable with them watching the kids at their headquarters? Right. Yeah. Like, hey, man, why do you have the camera in their bunk room? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Is this COPA compliant?

I don't know if our thing is COPA compliant. It is. But yeah. And also, like, every power using, like, so he's going to take control of, like, remote controls and electric razors and shit like that. I just don't feel like you need all of that, but he's going to use it. And then he, of course, then he goes,

and no one will ever know. And then we're like, well, the people you're telling right now will. And what's the point of being able to control every power device if nobody knows you have control over? Yeah, that's a good point. If you can't fuck with Ted in Wisconsin turning off his air friar, right? Why do it in the first book?

Why would you have the air friar? You're evil. Fuck your pizza. But this is where they initiate the sword, the titular sword, which stands for secret weapon of radical deception. Hell yeah. Fantastic. Don't you guys love when Christians take real words and turn them in the acronyms? Oh, God, yeah.

It's the best. Water being weeners are the evil reckoning. Wait, is that real or did you make that up? I just, I just can't tell. I was not true. I was not true, yep. We also got Dart, Devils, or Ranch to Taints. Oh, okay.

Classic. Yeah, yeah, there you go. Adidas, apples dipped in diarrhea are scrumptious, right? Oh, exactly. That's definitely a first one. Hey, okay, so this sword device that takes over every other electronic device in the world. The thing that looks like if Darth Vader's helmet was a bungalow, yes? Yeah, that.

So when you fire that up to do its thing, anything shoot out the side of it or is it just like burst of flame i would think he's so okay so like he as i was writing a minute notes this is a hilarious result of someone saying stick some shit on it that boys like as an instruction and as i'm writing that the burst of flame shoots out the side of it for no fucking reason at all there's there's a fireball cannon just sticking out the side of this electronic communications device. It's just like, yeah, when you fire it up, the fireball can and it has to go off. It's actually, it's oil power, it's gas powered. I don't know why we used to gas powered ones. Maybe we switched to clean coal. Let's use clean coal. And for the sound effect, I think this is the first

instance of using a stock sound effect in this movie, because obviously it's a low budget movie, whatever. You're going to use the stock sound effect. I would be very surprised if Squeaky Door trademark is not in here somewhere. But this fire plume is the same fire plume that they used in Star Fox Adventures. So all I could hear was just like, oh, yeah, dude. Every time you shoot fire from your staff in Star Fox Adventures, it makes that sound. Amazing. It's a Wilhelm Fireball.

That's been amazing. It's so annoying. They use, I think we have Thai fighter sounds later. We also get definite Stormtrooper laser gun sound. A lot of peculiar. A lot of PQ. TM. And there's also, there's also, we see there's another bomb that's counting down 48 hours

somewhere down on sub-level three. And that, of course, brings us to the now we wait phase of the plan, which is a perfect time for another break. But we're going to be back in a minute with all the uncompensated child labor that is Commander Kelly and the Super Kids, the sword. Hey, boss, why is it 48 hours? We're going to have to wait a while, right? We could have a minute.

Just make it six. Made it shorter. Okay, thanks for coming to the meeting, everybody. I'm Alan, the new head of the art department. Real glad to meet you. And really happy to be here at Evil Atheist Enemy LLC. So what are we all thinking for uniforms? Let's start there.

For my commander roves, I want a wide shoulder. Okay, okay, wide shoulder. Like a zoot smock. Zoot smock. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I guess we can make that work. What else? I want some new armor.

Right, right. Yeah, I heard that armor is key for you guys. Got it. Like rollerblading armor? Okay. Do you have lots of rollerblading battle scenarios? Absolutely, we do not. Not a single one, son.

Got it. Rollerblading armor. Okay, so I guess we'll need some shoulder pads, right? I need lefty ones. I need left ones. Sorry, are shoulder pads oriented lefty and righty? Oh, they certainly can be, son. I body check the kids to the left, so I only want the lefty one.

Okay, okay, so a shoulder pad, singular, for just the left arm. Yeah, but one wants some spikes on the right arm, but like a little bit lower. You know what I mean? Spikes on the right, but lower, what, what's that for? It's for the aesthetic son, obviously. Here I thought you were an artsy guy. Okay, okay, fine, fine. We'll get you a lefty shoulder armor

and a righty spike thing down lower. Anybody else? I want ass armor. Here we go. Oh, that's so fucking weird, dude. Sorry, what? Did you say ass armor? Ass armor.

I want strong. Ass coverage. Oh, okay. I just want to be clear. You're going to be waging war against kids, and you want ass armor? Ass armor? Correct.

Can I ask why? Just do your fucking job, art guy. Okay. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action the following and morning with CJ Hard at Work clipboarding. the machines. Yeah.

We're told by the title card that it's 5.17 p.m. So these kids are working pretty long shifts. I think the shift started at 8 a.m. and it's going to start at like 5 a.m. the next day. Yeah, right. These kids are definitely putting in more than 40. Oh, yeah, man.

Overtime for sure. Yeah, definitely not unionized. What is this Texas? Yeah, definitely not unionized. They have the right to work in Texas, Noah. The right to work. If it's Copeland, ministries, wouldn't it be in Tulsa?

Oh, is he in Oklahoma? Okay. They thought so. They have that right there, too. I'm pretty sure. Yeah, it's still not unionized, my point stance. Whether you're in Texas or Texas's hat. It's a red state thing. But then we get Tammy Fo Baker. She comes

in to forget her lines for a bit. This poor kid. She was obviously chosen because she actually can wail, like later when we hear her saying she's actually got a pretty impressive voice. That's clearly why she's here. And then she was like, oh, you want me to fucking act?

Wow. Woof. That's not going to go well for you. But like, why leave the stumbles in there? Like, this is edited. Do they not realize they can do second takes? We would? They do not.

Try again. It's almost like the Lovecrafty and Eldridge horror wrapped in scrotal skin that is Kenneth Copeland just off-screen glaring with those horrible, depless eyes saying, no second takes, darling. Yeah, right. That just made me think, like, is this all kill? Copeland trying to keep these kids for being

eaten by that horrible thing that's animating her obviously jerking corpse of her father. Yeah, she's just like, well, but I'm not done with my movie series yet. Kids, am I? Wow. We got to return the cameras to Best Buy in like 45 minutes, let's go. He's just licking his lips.

So, but now this is where we learn what CJ's doing here with her spying, mulling bit in the Super Kids Academy, right? Because Missy's like, hey, I was really impressed when you defuse that bomb. And she's like, thanks, Missy. You don't seem like the bitch people say you are. Yeah, C.J. Zemol, who's going to spread gossip to destroy the super kids.

Yeah. And honestly, I thought to myself, like, hey, that's actually a pretty good plan, you know? Is it? Like, that'll tear an office apart if you find the right office. Sure. No, that's fair. That's fair. Like, if somebody told Eli, like, hey, I think your voices are a little broad, but, like, I don't know.

Well, I'm not saying this. I heard from somebody that your voices are a little broad. This would be the rest of our year. No, you're right. You're right. The fact that you said it on this episode is going to be the rest of our year now, assuming that somebody tells Eli that you said it. I like how quickly Missy went from friend to foe, too, when she told her that.

What did you hear? Like, she just was ready to punch someone in the fucking neck. Right. She's like, yeah, you know, like, oh, you're much cooler than people say you are. She's like, what do you mean people say? And she's like, oh, Paul and Valerie, we're talking about how you were vain. Vane, I think was the word they used.

Yeah. As an ex-church person, I can 100% confirm. Missy is nailing shitty, disingenuous church late. Oh, right. Yeah. I've seen my mom interact with this lady a thousand times. So, and also, you got to feel sorry for Missy one more time. Because, like, then CJ leaves, and she's left to glare at Paul and Valerie, who she thinks

we're talking shit about her. And they leave the camera, like, on this actor and make her glare way. too long at these people. You can almost see her going, am I still glaring? Oh, okay, I'm still there and fuck. I'm going to do the hand drive. You should cut.

So meanwhile, Commander Kelly is reading the Bible from the weirdest set we're going to see all goddamn day. Right? Her alcove of Albion with a fucking Muslim prayer rug in it. Yeah, that made me uncomfortable.

Eventually I discern that this is probably just like the foyer at Kenneth Copeland's house. Before you're at best, this struck me as like, this has to be there either human sacrifice chamber or like that fuck dungeon, right? Can we move the altar out of the way for one goddamn day, dad is all I'm asking. It looks like a mall kiosk for selling Bibles, like kind of decked out like an Apple store with like weird pedestals. I just felt like something was definitely going to be appropriated for sure. Sure.

But then if I had known the epicness that was. was about to come, I would have just let it slide. Oh, my God. So there's a silhouette of an eagle and a silhouette of a lion and everything in the background. There's a sign that just says the word Jesus in all capital letters. Yeah. Like no fussing, no mus and no back talking, like that kind of sign. But it just says Jesus.

Live, laugh, love. Yes. Christ. But Jesus is always the answer, right. But she's reading from the Bible. She's reading from the manual that you can buy for the low, low price of 1999 when you become a super kit, right? And now it's time for her to be a goddamn fucking rock star people.

Hell yeah. She's going to do a music video in the middle of this fucking movie because damn it daddy said so. And it was jarring when this starts happening. It was. Like it's just random as shit. It's just like Kelly Copeland like ran to a different camera and was like, I'm in a music video now.

Fuck. It was so jarring. And then she does her weird, kind of like, Alonis Morris set, but Christian thing. Yeah, Alanus Lass's set or whatever. From the wardrobe that she got

from Stephen Tyler's closet. Yeah, right. The little leopard print head thing. She's spinning around in the sand. It goes so badly. And like, you ought to know. Right?

Oh, my hell. Yeah. It's a jagged little piltoswaffe. Yeah, it is. Isn't it? Isn't it? If you would have told me that AI wrote this fucking song, I would have believed it. It's so bad.

It's so boring. And like, so we're seeing like this weird intercut where like we see her spinning around on the beach or whatever singing this song in her stupid little music video. But we also see like her and her little prayer alcove. It's just sort of swaying back and forth. And so at a certain point, like I wanted one of the kids to come in and be like, Commander Kelly, are you? Imagine it yourself in the 80s pop video again. You just tripping balls? Yeah.

Follow up question in that thing that you're daydreaming, are you a leopard pirate by any chance? I'm hoping she's a pirate because this struck me as like, Kelly Copeland went up to daddy and say, Daddy, I want to be a gyp. And he goes, oh, pirate. It's a pirate. It's a pirate.

It's like, this had to be some southern fried. I want to be Madame Zelda or something. She's a big fan of Cher. I want to turn Tom Hanks big. It's so funny because I don't know what movie references I can make around you guys that are just going to be completely fucking lost. Oh, you're good with me. My dad was weird with let me watch random shit, so you're good with me.

Awesome. So this is also where we do flashbacks to the last movie they did, right? where I learned for the first time, well, I guess I probably, because I think I edited the episode that you guys did it the last time, but we learned that dead-eyed Kenneth Copeland made a cameo in that movie,

and I'm like, oh my God, do we have a Kenneth Copeland cameo to look forward to? We don't. Oh, no. It's not in this one. This was going to be one of my, like I had several options for my best worst. It was going to be my option for best,

worst use of that quarry they use for all the Power Rangers fight scenes. Is that where she was spinning? Okay. You see all these guys rock up in like their colorful spandex. Somebody's in a rubber monster costume sweating his ass off and just see this weird lady spinning off in the sand. I'm using the left half of the quarry.

Y'all are in the right. She looks over. Hey, shut up about fucking Megasort. I'm doing a fucking leopard pirate music video over here. You could say those Power Rangers were uninvited. Nice. What was with the weird little montage of the kids' faces? That felt like an in-memorium moment.

Like, I thought that maybe... Right, yes. ...bomb went off or something, and we didn't know. All the child soldiers she lost along the way. Right, yeah, that's just a flashback to the last movie, but it sure is fuck played like that, you know, like kids we lost in 2024. So, okay, so, but then we check in on Alex, the computer kids, so that CJ can spread some deception to him as well.

This is the way where she's like, you know, I don't care what anybody says. I think brainy guys can be cool. Well, she said, yeah, rapper's the rapper, and you're the brainer. The what? The what? The fucking what?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, you want to try that again? You want it because we can do two takes late. Hey there, Alex. I don't think you're comedy ballast on your podcast. Yeah, that was a year of our lives when that happened to me. That was fun. Oh my God.

But yeah, when CJ comes in after that, though, he kind of makes me think that he has been talking shit because he's like just a walking dildo to Alex. He like does that little... A rapper when rapper comes in. Yeah. Yeah, he does that like weird little shirt thing to him and flips his nose. It's like, fuck this kid.

What an asshole. Yeah, right. Like, yeah, it wouldn't really... Her thing might not have stuck if you didn't come in and immediately be an ass hat. Yeah. Right. This guy is going to be the kind of guy that drops out sophomore year

because he's got his girlfriend at Wawa up pregnant. Nothing nothing wrong with dropping on in sophomore year. No, no, no, speaking from experience,

my face. Or getting pregnant on a wawa. Yeah, right. Getting pregnant in the wawa. She didn't necessarily get pregnant at the wawa.

No, no, no, no. She might have. She might have. They got those good hot dogs.

They're always spinning. I don't know. The back of a wawa is really romantic, you guys. Yeah, the wawa shanors. Thank you.

But okay. And then, of course, I wrote in my notes as she's spread in all of these rumors. I'm like, man,

she better hope none of these kids have heard of follow-up questions. Don't worry. So then we see, Kelly, she's still just studying away in her fucking room-o-caucity. Seriously, it looks like a Bible podcast pivoted to YouTube a little too quickly and they needed a background for their video and slap up some weird shit. Yeah, exactly. And there's also, like she's reading the Bible, and then she stops in the middle of the Bible and starts arguing with this guy about it?

Yeah. She starts using God's words against God to prove that he's wrong. I was like, what? Yes, in his own Bible. Yes. What? Are you well actuallying the omnipit? Like, listen, lady, calm the fuck down.

This has to be Kenneth Copeland's repurposed fuck dungeon, right? Dude, yes. That lion rampant, there's clearly, if that lion were not there, there would be some dancing lady. just gyrating behind the glass while a slave child fed him grapes or something, you know? The entire production is the smoke screen

for Kenny Cope to like say his weird sex stuff is not for weird sex stuff. The biggest question in my head after we saw this was what the fuck was this room? And that's the most sensible explanation I've heard so far. Dude, yeah, it's like if you move a book, a sex swing would just drop from a ceiling. A bloomed dog.

Luckily it's Christians, so they'll never remove a fucking book. So, okay, so meanwhile, back at NME Tower, they learned that CJ's dividing the shit out of those kids. Unfortunately, though, the super weapon, Darth Vader bungalow weapon with the fireball, it will need 24 hours to charge all the way up. What's happening? It's just an electronic, it has like, what, there's like hamster wheels in there?

It's got to connect to the 97-d. dial up before they can use it, I guess? Didn't he already say all this, though? Like, he said there was already a close-up. Yes. Timu Benoit, when he already said this shit. Like, he just has to sit there and let's just stand here and brood for 24 hours. They're literally standing for 24 hours.

There's no chairs. Nope. There's no place to sit. There's no water bottles. These men are just sweating. Well, the guy has the ass armor. How would he sit? This is just uncomfortable, you guys.

He's just running down the aisle, just butt sliding down this. cool rails. Yeah, right. Right. Let's call. Yeah, but we are led to believe because every time we come back, there's some number of hours left

and they're just standing there watching the machine. I guess we are led to believe that for 24 hours, they just watched this thing booed up. Mm-hmm. I was getting mad Emperor Zerg from Toy Story 2 vibes off the machine. I was like, is this Emperor Zerg's cousin Ted? Because I had horns and it had like the mouthpiece and everything. Sure.

And I'm like, this is a kid's show, right? My 90s child brain is like, this is going to turn into a giant robot, isn't it? If this Christian movie has a giant robot in it, it's done. I believe in Jesus. Let's go.

I want to see a fucking giant robot. Kelly Copeland, you could have had him back. You could have gone and gone back. It would have been 24 hours before the giant robot. It'll take it. Yeah, right, right. He powers up very slow. Can we get some couches for this catwalk area?

I don't know. We're going to be here for a while. It just feels like we're just going to sit here. Okay. Yeah, get extra. wide for a butt guy. Yeah, well, right, right. So, and then, so back at the good guy base, they're now all going to watch a child news

broadcast from the bad guys, right? Because apparently all the kids in this universe have careers by the age of 10. But according to the, and now, and also like, kudos to the costuming, right? Because they had to make this little girl look evil, but also very modestly dressed, you know, like showing nothing, you know, below the chin or. above the wrists or whatever. And they managed to pull it off. They teased her hair out, gave her a little more lipstick than the other kids,

and it did the trick. Yeah, she's wearing the, like, slutty atheist costume from Spirit Halloween. Right, yes. Mini Cindy Lopper over here. Right, yeah, yeah, there you go. But they say in their broadcast that Commander Kelly and the super kids have decided to join the bad guy team. Yeah.

So, NME is doing like just, Fox News and this Christian movie will not stand for it because they don't like lying on broadcasts. Right. And so back at the base, they all see that and they're like, what the hell was this all about? And so Kelly and then some random man that we haven't met yet just shows up to remind the kids that Satan is a great. I have no fucking idea, right? Like he's the cop. He's just some guy. I believe that was called Commander Dana. I just have him down as Clint Howard's more attractive stunt double. Yeah, but he's just going to be an idiot that Kelly can outsmart from time to time, I guess. And he'll come and go with whatever, the breeze.

He's just up there is. Yes, right. Materialize and then dissipate with no warning. Yes. He is the Holy Ghost. Oh, there you go. So, but their own chatting, right, about what to do. Now, and Missy says at this point, she says, and I quote,

it sounds like we have to come face to face with whatever NME is up to. And I'm like, what the fuck do you think of that added to the conversation, Missy? Like, that's obviously we're going to come face to face with the thing that's going to happen, right? Isn't that her job? That's your job. Right. Come on. What do you do?

But this is where CJ is like, well, maybe if you guys just all went to NME headquarters in disguise, things would go super great for you. But isn't that lying? and they just spent like the last half an hour telling us that lying is evil. Oh, wow. I don't understand. Like, is it just pick and choose? You're right.

Yeah, no, there's a whole commandment against that shit. Machiavellian super kids Christianity. So, and Missy's like, hold on a second. It makes no sense why we would go there as a plot point. And Valerie's like, shut up, shut up. I have a Bible passage that I would like to read because that's all my character does. That's a perfect point, right? I'm looking to watching this movie.

I'm like, man, maybe I should write a Christian movie because like it's got to be so easy to just rip like 45% of your movie right off the page of the scripture. Because all these kids are doing is just quoting scripture. And then the bad guys are just repeating their plan to each other over and over. Over and over. He says it like directly into camera like three different times. Yeah, it's so nuts.

It's like every one of these scripts is written by AI that was trained on nothing but one book called the Bible. Yeah, that's all that. Right. Well, and then the other thing, too, is that when it's not them repeating their fucking bad guy plans and cop and shit straight from the Bible, it's lines like these. This is an actual fucking line that one of the characters says, she says, quote, the only perfect lie is one that someone thinks is the truth.

Well, it's like, that's the only even remotely effective lie, obviously. What are you fucking talking about? How do lie work? Yeah, right. Yeah. Didn't you just explain what a lie was? Like magnet? How do sword work?

Because Kelly doesn't know. Right. But Kelly's like, don't worry, guys. We have an omnipotent being on our side. So there can't be any tension in our movie. And everybody's like, hooray. Easy for you to say, you're going to fucking hang back, lady. Yeah, right.

You know to do shit. No. Because the plan is for the kids to go there by themselves and for her to just stay back and keep guard of the home base. I'm sure it'll. all work out fine for you children. As long as God is on your side. Now I'm going to head back and eat my chickpeas while y'all go to death.

She's just watching the screen and like, since they all have trackers in their uniforms, she's just watching their life signs blink out one at a time. She's like, praise the Lord. They're in a better place now. I'm just so glad they're by the side of the Lord up there with craft. Yeah, well, they were they can't sin anymore. They're not in any more pine Little does she know

The uniform's been torn off the child And they're just being torn in half By some robot Yeah right Yeah Also I have a sword and know some cata I shall do it now No some cata is very very generous

Yeah we're being right yeah No she'd be her The only cata she knows is like when Link finds a sword You know that's pretty much her Yeah right our fucking liono Yeah She has the power. Yeah, he man power-ups.

So, okay. So meanwhile, general fear is fucking watching his machine power up for 24. We cut back and he's like, you know what? We should get a couch. I actually, I would mean to you about that. I think we should get a couch. It reminds me like when someone gets a new pool and they start filling it up and they're like, you'll be done soon.

We're going to go swimming a little bit. Any minute now, we will swim. Smash cut to everybody with a five. o'clock shadow, just like, well, yeah. That's only like four inches deeper. So, okay. So, but then that night, we see CJ wrestling with her guilt as everybody else sleeps, you know, because she's so sinful and she's done so much wrong.

Yeah. She has the nightmare. And, okay, so most of it was like guilt about having spied, been a liar or whatever. But she's also really bad at laser tag at one point in the night. Yes. Yeah. A lot of laser fights.

Okay. I mean, like, I get it. Like, I've had that nightmare, but, like, it doesn't fit with the plot at all. And during her nightmare, general fear evilly spins towards her. Right. He's got a fucking ponytail so it looks silly. I say that as a guy with a ponytail, you know?

It's fucking silly. Yeah. Hold on. Give me a second. Now I chop you. And then he evilly laughs towards her, which is even sillier. Yes. But then fucking Commander Kelly takes a sword

and chopped CJ in half? That's what I saw. I thought I was crazy. I was like, I'll be corrected on the air that that's not what happened here. We're seeing it in the first person and Kelly grabs her sword

and like raises it up above her liono style and then just cleaves down at the fucking camera. And then that nightmare ends. Anyone else think of the sort of Solomon? Yeah. Oh, yeah, okay. She's out of here cutting kids in half. I was like, oh, that's the same thing.

Yeah, there you go. He said we could do it in the Bible. Right, right. He was wise. She sits all the way up out of the nightmare just to piss me off. And then we cut back to Kelly. And Kelly's like, thank you, Lord, for revealing the plot twist to me. Now I know.

And I think she's supposed to be smiling at the thought that God showed her that C.J. is getting Jesus. But it just looked like Kelly shat her pants on camera and she just had to keep the show rolling. Because she can't. Right. Or that she was just happy about chopping that. hidden half in the previous scene. She's a pro.

Did you guys notice that there's actually some sound design in that part? I watched this with headphones on and it kept alternating from left to right side. I was like, oh shit, somebody was actually trying to do some stuff. The sound guy was like, I'm going to cook, you guys. We're going to show this at IMAX.

So the next morning, that fucking slave driver Kelly rounds all the kids up at 5 a.m. Jesus. To don their disguises and go to this big reveal at the bad guy headquarters, which can't possibly be at 5.45 a.m. so this seems unnecessary. Right.

Yeah. And they were clearly told to wear secular clothing as their disguise here. It's so silly. It's just like sweatshirt, sunglasses. That's atheist, right? Hat. Hats. Atheist wear hat and sunglasses.

But not one of these kids' disguises are complete. there's not a mustache among them. Thank you. Yes. All regular eyebrows. Fucking bullshit. Let's just reestablish the plan here, right? Like, Commander Kelly is sending children into the headquarters of the enemy who obviously

wants to kill them or detain them in some way. Like, there are no courts martial in this universe. Like, she has no accountability. Thank you. This lady is not fit for duty. Absolutely not. She's just going to sit there and worry. And this is Satan, right?

Like she's sending him into battle with Satan, the Prince of Darkness. And it's also like, this is all for a TV station. This is, they're sending kids to their certain death because they want to be able to make TV. Yeah, exactly. And it's all like, I guess this is why we were all singing, I'm in the Lord's Army when we were kids because we would die for anything, I guess. And it's all about leading that charge for propaganda, baby. Yeah, no, I was just saying COVID-19 is looking back at 1997 going, you haven't seen anything. yet.

So, but there's also a moment here where Kelly. Hold my corona. Yeah. Hold on. So where Kelly, like, she knowingly turns to CJ and she goes, I sure hope nobody had any nightmare sequences since last we saw each other. And she's just like, you are. And then they're just like, that was weird.

Moving on. Why did you? So then Kelly's like, so don't worry, kids, I'm with you. I like, in a spiritual sense, I won't be with you. I'll be here. you'll be on your own in terms of all the dangerous things that we're doing. But I will read the passage about putting on the armor of God very dramatically for you. That was the best because they're naming all the shit.

The like shingard of whatever the fuck and the breastplate of righteousness. And also like and the secular baseball cap. I know. Sunnaces. Could somebody please help Alex realize that wearing your military uniform directly under your disguise is idiotic. Yes. When it's poking out at the neck, yeah. Like, is this

where Pete Higgsaths learned about Opsack from? Come on. So, okay. So now we're back at Baguite Tower for the big premiere event, which apparently involves a lot of popcorn. So a lot of popcorn at the Satanic event, which honestly, I feel like Satan doesn't do

enough popcorn-based temptations. If you want America's heart, that's how you get it. I'm in. Get some cotton candy going, too. I'm showing up for anything. Kettle corn, bro? Kettle corn. Oh, there you go. You can have my soul.

I'm sure R. FK. Jr. thinks that that smooth buttery topping is of the devil. Yeah, no, that's true. Of the devil. Yeah, right. Right. You got to pour some chunky style whole milk raw

right over the top of the popcorn. Melted beef towel. And beef towel. Yes. Just enough to feed the world. I'm going to make a video with Kid Rock about it while we're not. It's going to be really embarrassing. So then we see the kids and they're like,

they're wearing their baseball caps and sunglasses and fucking Clark Kent is going like, put some effort into it, kids. I mean, these guys are. And as if to like just underscore that, as soon as they get there, a bunch of little kids come up and they're like, hey, aren't you guys the super kids

wearing hats and sunglasses? I thought rapper was about the roundhouse, that little girl like, shut the hell. Oh, yeah. He's like, well, if you want to help, you can shut the ball. fuck up. That would help. There's also one point where they pointed a table that's marked

Super Kids and they're like, they're expecting us, like super loud. Yeah, right. Now that helps. What are you guys doing? Everybody looks over. Hey, why are the six of you and nobody else wearing sunglasses? What's what's happening there? You're doing something. They had their weird disguises now. Uniform that you're in. Also, there's

a moment here where like all the kids wander off on their own and we're hearing their inner monologues. And all the kids that like, CJ planted all these seeds with are like, you know what, now that I think about it, I bet those people didn't say that thing about me. They're my friends. Why would they say that to some new kid?

Right. And that plot line is over now. Yeah, imagine that. A presumably highly trained group of professionals with a series of adventures and all the danger and trauma bonding that that implies are able to use their bond as colleagues and adventure friends

to rise above petty grievances. It's almost like we shouldn't have wasted the fucking time in the first place. Yes. Fuck you movie. Right. Such a stupid good. yeah, they never talk about it again.

Nobody ever goes up to the, hey, did you say something to CJ about me? None of that ever happens. They're just like, yeah, that's a, who gives us shit about that plot line? We're done with it now. What does Comedy Ballast even mean? I don't even understand that. Is it good? There's a great moment, too.

While we're doing internal monologues, at one point, we cut over to Valerie, that Hermione, old lady, face girl. And she's just praying to God and thinking about how awesome he is. Right. It's weird because everyone's inner monologue is like super introspective and they're like, maybe that I, maybe I should be a better person kind of thing. And then she's just like, I love you, God. Just fucking sucking up to Sky Daddy as always. Right. Exactly. And doesn't Missy say something about like, I'm going to have a bad hair day for like two weeks? Like what? Everybody else is worried about the mission, lady. Yeah, right. So then the gates open for the big

event and everybody goes in. So we cut inside the NME studios where they realize they need to split up because they're all wearing the same hat and sunglasses and look very obvious and suspicious. And there's no plan. No. They're just like, okay, we're in the building. What do we split up? I don't know. Let's figure it out separately.

Now we wait. That's their plan. They're going to John Travolta meme around until they find something. Yeah, exactly. And also this is where I first realized. that the name of the bad guy newscaster kid is Bab tidings. So bad. That's fucking genius.

So fucking bad. That's going to be the name of my atheist yacht when I get one. I'm excited about that. Nice. So, okay. But then they bring out, Bab tidings brings out fake Commander Kelly and fake super kits. So apparently,

and we're never going to get any goddamn details this whatsoever, but apparently General Fear has raised clones of these people that he somehow controls. Okay. Okay. So that's revealed that I was like

they have cloned, did the sword thing also in addition to stealing all the electronic technology, it can make clones. And yes, that's what the movie is saying. Or the clones are an unrelated thing. Like I don't even know if these aren't supposed to

robots. It's just like, oh, he has evil versions of them because he's the bad guy. I thought it was funny that the clones come out and they do like the super kids routine for this TV show, including the singing and the dancing. And the clones are slightly better at dancing. I just thought that was funny. Because they're atheists. You just suck it dancing as a I am an amazing dancer. Thank you. Did you notice that their disguise is kind of went away too? as soon as the clones came out. Yes.

We don't care if we're caught now. Right. Right. And they are, right? The security comes up in there. You're very obviously the super kids. Like, nobody even bothered with a fake mustache. What the fuck are we even doing here?

And they drag them away. So meanwhile, Commander Kelly watches on from the safety of her headquarters. They couldn't get her a cool captain chair. She's standing behind a, like, pipe and drape railing. Yeah. Just like looking there pensively. Like, let her spin around slowly in the captain's chair. Absolutely. The lack of places to sit in this movie is heinous.

It's like, it's like American gas stations. They're so cruel here. Just give people a fucking chair. It's like the guy with butt armor was the set design. Right. Yeah, exactly. He's like, if I don't get a chair, nobody gets a fucking chair. What are you shooting at my apartment? This is weird.

So, yeah, so but Commander Kelly is like, I'm going to spring into action. And then CJ's like, no, you can't. The transmissions have been like hacked or whatever or something. Oh my God. We shouldn't do any transmissions until we know it's safe. And I'm like, safe from what? And she's like, hey, shut the fuck up. Okay.

That's the next thing in the movie. But again, I think they're already a pirate channel. So that's just like a double hack back to nothing. The channel channel being like we have our channel. I was wondering when they were going to just tell CJ to fuck off. Because at this point, like she's coming in looking strung the fuck out. She's interrupting everything. And now, like, didn't Kelly also get these answers in a fucking prayer dream?

Right, we were led to believe she knows. Yeah. So why is she still here? Well, it's just the case, like that weird ultra-forgiveness thing to the church. Like, Kelly knows that CJ is a double agent, right? This is the same thing as like the pastor knowing that the guy who's the janitor at the Jesus camp molested eight kids. And just be like, oh, he's repented and he'll do a better job next time. It'll be wonderful.

Let's put him in charge of 14 kids this time. Yeah, right. It's the same fucking thing. Wonderful little thing called sin flattening that we learned about the churches. So, okay. So then we check back in on the kids. They've been rounded up in this hallway. The little kids from earlier that recognize them show up here to try to talk a little

shit to the henchmen that are kidnapping them. Hell yeah. Yeah. And this one henchman fucking screams at a tiny child. Oh my God. It's so uncomfortable. He goes, I'll eat you and pick my teeth with your bones. And I'm like, man, that's a little much for commander.

Kelly and the super kids. That's literally what he says. I was like, holy shit. You want to pump the brakes there, Donner party? Cheez. Thank you. I did like when that one little kid, though, was like, aren't you kind of big for a dummy?

I was like, yeah, kids a legend. Nice. Got him. Dummy. He is a dummy. So then, okay. So then we cut to CJ sneaking around good guy headquarters. Right.

They're on lockdown. I'm sorry, the thing goes, egress prohibited. And I'm like, I feel like you want to give, it's plain language as possible. when you're given emergency warnings. But okay. Yeah, and this is where CJ gets to the mind cart

and fucking edges me with the mind card again and doesn't use it. Well, she gets into it and then we cut away. So the implications. Yeah, right, we don't see it. There was a Tiddy Kong thing off screen. There's probably a gap in there somewhere. And we cut back to that weird alcove

and now the fucking the eagle and the stallion silhouettes in the background have like red blinking hearts in the middle of them because there's a red alert. Hell yeah. Oh, my God. Okay, I enjoyed that Kelly's praying and is like just kind of mad because shit's not working out. This has got to be a lot of people.

It's just like, how am I losing right now? God, omnipotent God? What the fuck is happening? Yeah, exactly. And she does absolutely nothing. Like her voice is trembling with like emotion or the DTs or barely controlled IBS. And it's just like, no, just pray harder, Kelly. You're really helping there, pal.

Yeah, pray a little bit harder. Not that hard. She's hitting those H's in the what, like hard, like hard for too, man. What the fuck? Yes, yes. The hot.

God, I got to tell you, this is a pretty mysterious way that I shat just now. I'm a good guy. Okay. She goes, I know I'm just going to sit here while the kids are in danger,

but I'm going to sit here while the kids are in danger for Jesus. I'm like, oh, okay. Well, then I guess you're fine. It's almost like she was going to throw in the end of the prayer. Like one day, I promise.

I'll put my life on the line for you, God. But today is not that day. No, today I want to put these kids on the line for you. All right. Well, I guess while the tension's high, we can pause for another break. But first, let me give Act 3 the hard sell. What else could have been done with the money that went to making this movie? How many hungry children could have been fed?

How many chemotherapy sessions could have been paid for? Find out what the richest pastor in America did with that money instead. when we return for the pew-pufful conclusion of Commander Kelly and the Super Kids, sword. Excuse me, General Fear? What is it, you incompetent fool? Well, sir, we're just a little confused about the plan. Yeah.

Well, of course you are. Your incompetence is as fast as the sky. It's just, that's no way to talk to an employee. What was that? I said I should, I would really go for some chef boy, hearty. Yeah, so anyway, Sir, about the plan? Well, look, I've already explained it directly to the camera twice.

I really don't see how you couldn't understand it. Right, but sure. Forgive me, sir, it doesn't make sense. Doesn't make sense, exactly. And how exactly is that? Well, once we control all the devices to use power, I don't see what having clones of the Super Kids does for us. Yeah, and conversely,

if we've got clones of the superkids and we've imprisoned the real ones, I don't feel like we need to take control of all the devices or whatever. If that's our singular goal is to confuse people about the message of the super kids, which it seems to be. And also, why does a giant fireball shoot out of it

when it boots up? Right? That seems crazy dangerous, the fireball. Oh, shut up, you insolent fools. I'm not surprised at all that your feeble minds can't comprehend my grand plans. But no amount of explanation is going to penetrate through your thick, thick skulls. I said, I'm taking this to HR. What was that? I said I'm reporting this to HR. Oh, no, please don't do that. Karen is simply the worst.

You should have thought about for you to talk to us like that. You should have thought about her to talk to us like that. She always has an M&Ms and a ball? Oh God, don't eat those M&Ms, man. Oh, they've been there for so long. She's sneezing on them. She's been sneezing on them for like 15 years. And we're back for still more of this shit.

And we're going to rejoin the action at the Kid Dungeon that General Fear keeps at his television studio, apparently. You never know what you'll need one. Well, I would be the asshole who didn't have one at this point, right? The NME building actually has comet ping pong in it too. Oh, is that one? Well, I don't know. It's the good guys that have three sub-levels. I don't know.

Somebody's got comet ping pong. So they're all in their prison cell. And a Star Wars hologram of general fear comes in to deliver them a message about the plot. Yes, sir. This is where he explains that he's not going to kill them. He's going to make them watch as their clones corrupt the world or some shit. we really haven't thought this through. Sorry, you have clones of us?

Why are you also trying to take over our broadcast? You could just do a thing with the clones, right? Yeah, you wouldn't really need to do that anymore. They have a 100% one-to-one replica of their command center. Like, you can't just have your own broadcast on your NME broadcast channel that just does the same fucking thing? Right. That says, hey, we changed our minds. We're on this channel now.

Yeah. Right. And then, but Valerie has some shows. Jesus words, right? So she quotes the Bible at him. And I'm like, weird that he lets her finish that entire very long verse. Dude, Valerie scares the shit out of me at this point. You know what I mean? That's true. Yeah. You can see General Fear being like, oh, okay. Everybody hates her, right? Like, yeah. She's the fucking worst, right? Absolutely, man. She seems like the kind of lady that would go on

to make TikTok to Disney movies with Satanic ties. Yes. Right. The hyenas and the Lion King were really the Demon Legion. The word sex appears in the dust. It does. It does appear. And why are there black people in these cartoons now? What's that? Oh, my God. Valerie is the larval form of the crazy religious lady in the mist. Yes, exactly. You know this chick is going to be like inscribing Bible verses on her children with like a razor blade.

Like she's Carrie's mom. Yes. They're all going to laugh at you. Yes. Exactly. Oh, and here we are laughing at her. She was right. God damn it.

She probably died during COVID, right? Yeah, I'm going to say 95% of this cast is dead. It's a very good chance that, yeah. You know one of these motherfuckers is more than one of these motherfuckers of the January 6th, right? Oh, yeah. For sure. Absolutely. There was a cast reunion inside the Capitol building.

And they faced the consequences. Yeah, right. For a couple of months. Yeah, for a few months. Kelly Copeland was the one that shit on names. Nancy Pelosi's desk. Oh shit. That adds up.

Have a nice little taste of the word of the Lord, darling. You dirty rotten liberal, Satan scum. That IBS finally paid off. He brought it back around. Is there a shaman? Oh, no, it's a white guy. It's white guy. So then, okay.

So then they're going to take them from this prison cell to a different prison cell along a very long corridor. Fuck, you trust us. It's long. It's long. They're not just walking slow. It's a long corridor. My God, I laugh so hard.

They have to walk so insanely slow to fit their short hallway set that they have. Yes. But no, they don't because you can stop and cut in movies. And they do a little bit of stopping and cutting. So they know that exists. But they keep doing the slow walking. And they even at one point, they have a slow-mo shot of the crazy slow walk. They do.

It's the best. Well, so they want to be able to fit like a whole verse into a single shot. Yeah. So they have to be taking these. So at first you think is this in slow motion? But it's not because they start singing at regular speed. And then they later show you what that would be and how silly it would be. Yes, right.

Yes. It was. It's double slow motion. Yeah. So we move into fucking Zach Snyder speed at a certain point. Oh, God. And they have to, and they're singing about how much they trust Jesus. and I'm like, hey guys, you're in fucking prison, right?

So, like, Jesus isn't doing great. I'm not saying he's not the Lord and Savior. I say that at other points. I'm not saying that now. I'm just saying right now he's not doing great. I'm like, this is like a missed opportunity to have them walking past, like, cells with like increasingly weird prisoners inside. Or like maybe.

Oh, there you go. Christian musician Easter eggs. Like, DC Talk is back there popping and walking. Michael W. Smith is still desperately looking for his place in this world. and the car man is surrounded by a harem of swooning church ladies and he can only ever speak in rhyme. Oh, interesting.

Okay, so listeners, I saw that. I saw that in Zach's notes today and I was so ridiculously proud of myself when I wrote in, yeah, DeGarmo isn't in the prison because he had the key. Oh, sorry. When I read that you added that,

I literally bark laughed so fucking hard. I was so proud of my. myself. I've been ruined by my 12-year career watching and listening to Christian bullshit. What the hell have I been doing with my adulthood? My biggest impression is Carmen, so I totally get it. Okay. Okay. So, okay. So then one of Kelly's child soldiers runs in to inform her that their system is back up and running. And I can't help but point out that this is the cutest goddamn kid I've ever seen in my fucking life, the one that comes in at this point. But yeah, that song was just,

long enough to get the system back up and running. I wrote in my notes. Imagine how much quicker it would have gotten done if you'd hired fucking adults, but then they're like, oh, well, where's CJ? Don't worry. We'll track her through the tracking chip that we've, well, at first I thought like fucking inject it in her like she was a fucking dog. Apparently it's in her clothes.

Well, that would be fucked up, dude. Not only do we have child soldiers. We're also like injecting them with RFID chips. Like, holy shit. They're giving the kids the mark of the beast, but they're the Jesus kids. That's my thing. Isn't Kelly the Antichrist then if she's planting these fucking microchips on people? Yeah.

And then like, why the fuck is she even doing this so the kids can't go home to their families? Like, what the fuck? Right, right. Well, that's just exactly the thing. Keep in mind that she's not like, you know, hey, we have tracking chips in all of the kids so we can use that to save the ones that are in a dungeon. No, it's like, I saw the one that's mad at me can't escape. Right. This is a terrifying story.

And she's, and she's human-splaining to God. about the scripture during her weird prayers and swinging a sword around? I think she is Satan. Oh, interesting. Interesting twist. The deep lore. Yeah. The Antichrist is a woman.

Oh, imagine that. So, and then there's a moment here, too, where she has to explain to the cock to commander Dana that CJ has been a spy the whole time. And he's not getting it because he's a fucking idiot. Right? She's like, he's like, well, where's CJ gone? And he's like, she's like, she's like, she's, going straight to NME headquarters.

She's like, you think she's after some of that popcorn? And she's like, no, she's a fucking spy, you goddamn idiot. Sorry, you're telling me just now, like, that she's a spy inside of her organization? You want to, maybe you just like drop that in the slack right away as soon as you know. Yeah, it's got a big deal. First revelation from God. Out of the loop. His commander Dana's turn to do the pops racer gasp.

He's just like, oh. Yeah, right, right. Yeah. And he goes, the super. Super kids are in danger. And she's like, nah, no, Lord'll take care of him. And I'm like, well, be better because you show that fuck aren't. Doesn't he say, like, when she's like, she's a spy, he goes, they're in even more danger.

Like, CJ's going to show up and be like super badass and kill them or something. I guess, yeah. But then we cut over to CJ. She's showing up, right? And this is the aftermath of the big popcorn event. Honestly, I wouldn't have brought up that particular scene, except for the fact that there's that one extra who's trying to use this push broom to sweep up the popcorn. And that's actually. kind of tricky to do with a push broom

if you haven't done it before and he doesn't know how to do it so he's just sweeping over the popcorn over and over again and he's like but just show me from the fucking waist up you asshole I can't get all of the secular popcorn and come from the ordiest secular popcorn come somebody has to hold the dust pan

you have to hold it for me he sure as fuck keeps hitting that cub though it's like he's like I'm doing something you guys I'm doing something yeah right right you can tell by the noise there's always a line of popcorn and come on this edge of the dust pen. How do you get that?

It's impossible. But inside the prison cell, Paul, one of the super kids, he thinks it'd be a good time to pray. And then the kids are like, well, yeah, obviously we pray, but what do we pray for?

Right. So they all decide, they all go around in like a circle deciding what to pray for. Alex, the first one to speak up, the computer kid, he's like, well, I wish you would be,

I pray it would be less dusty in here. I keep sneezing. And I'm like, okay, well, that's a weird fucking start. Yeah, but that's real as shit. He's the most real. out of all these kids. The other ones are like, let's pray to get out. And Alex is like, fuck this man.

My allergies are acting up. It's like I just snorted a fucking daffodil in here. And Valerie's like, I think we need to pray for CJ because she's obviously a spy. And then Paul's like, you fucking idiots. He's powering up a world controlling device and is Satan. We should fucking pray to stop that.

And I'm like, I think we have a winner. Guys, can we just like put a pin in the thing where we deal with CJ and we'll just do our world ending prevention that would be great. Yeah. Hey, is this where a sexual predator pops out of nowhere?

Yeah. Who is hiding inside the frame of the screen in this tiny dungeon and nobody noticed him. Hell yeah, man. Did they not notice him or are they just really rude or or was it just so weird that he was hanging out in the kid prison that they didn't want to say anything and hope to you? Right.

Yeah, no eye contact. He'll just go away. Right. Yeah, just some Rando comes in and says, I can stop the device and we're like, who the fuck for you? He just raises up out of the floor like he was doing a half-time show. And he's like, how to smoke.

It's crazy. And his name is Barnum Timothium. Timothium. What? What is this? What is? General fear, right?

Colonel Major Rath. Colonel fucking Unibrow. Yeah. The lady Babs, Babs McBad lady. Yeah. Barnum Timothium? I was so hoping that as ex-Christian, y'all could shed some goddamn light on Barnum-Tymothium for me.

I got some light to shed. I googled it. These fucking people are idiots. All the AIs are like, man, I don't fucking know. They're just weird. They're just fucking Christians are just fucking weird. Dude. I thought I had to have something to do with being a doubter.

Wait, Thomas is the doubter. So that doesn't even count. No. Timothy has his own book. Fuck this shit. It's all about. about how women should shut up. Yeah.

I tried to run it through an anagram solver, and the anagram solver was like, are you watching a Kelly Copeland movie right now? What are you doing? It's like, yeah. All I know is I'm naming my next kid, Barnum, Tamothium. And if my vasectomy reverses,

I'm in a lot of fucking trouble with the war. Oh, yeah, right. No, because we have it on the air now. It's just binding. But yeah, but he's like, they're like, why are you in prison? He's like, because I know too much. You see, I'm the one who built that weird bungalow,

Darth Vader device. with a plume of fire that shoots out of it. And I realized it was a bad thing, so I tried to destroy it. And well, he caught me and he threw me in prison. And I'm like, well, then you're not in there because you knew too much. You're in there because you tried to destroy his fucking his bungalow, his Darth Vader bungalow. And I'm just, I'm excited when he shows up because I'm like, oh, he can explain why

the fuck it shoots a ball of fire. It shoots a ball of fire because for the same reason, the big button has to be 55 feet away from any accessible, reachable point. Oh, okay. The same reason that Galaxy Quest spaceship has to have those crunchers inside of it. Okay. Yeah. Well, you know, it is what it is.

And his moral failing that landed him in the jail, not because he tried to blow up the bad guy's cool machine, is he said he had pride in his creation. Yes. That was his sin. I don't think that makes you a heal, buddy.

Because he says general fear may have actually been the only person that believed in me. And that's a legitimate reason to build your project. You can call Professor Tymothium's ethics into question. Like, why would you build a device like that in the first damn place? Like,

reckless disregard for other people's well-being? Sure. Pride. No. No. Like... Yeah, we're focused in on the wrong thing here. It's the evil scientist part. Not the pride part. Well, also, we really should be focused in it on it was that fucking straight-faced pronunciation of

Timothium like that's a real goddamn name. I was impressed. He just rolled right through that. Isn't this also like a prison ran by General Fear? Why is General Fear locking people up based on their sins? Isn't he not a Christian? Right, yeah, exactly. And why are you putting adults in the kid dungeon?

That just feels icky. Yeah, right. Definitely asking for problems there. But of course, the reason that he says that General Fear was the only person who ever believed in him was so that Valerie could go, no. there was someone else that believed you knew the whole time. And he's like, okay, nobody real that existed in the world, though. Shut up, Valerie, you zealot.

Jesus Christ. Right. Everybody hates this girl, right? Yeah. Old lady face. So now they all have to join hands in prayer, right? Like it's a fucking seance or whatever. And triumphant music rises.

Don't worry. God's got this shit. Hell yeah. So we cut back to Kelly quick before God's got. Kelly, who let's just remark, is doing nothing at all in her own vanity project. That's so weird.

Right. This made me think, like, all this time we could have had clever escapes, cool techno-babel jargon happening, you know, tense standoffs, and all of that is replaced like cool people swinging across chasms on ropes,

a goddamn awesome mind cart chase, but it's all replaced with people just standing there, beseeching an invisible space wizard to intervene. Yeah. While they effectively do nothing. And I ask yourself, will we stumble on the world's first inaction movie? I think we may have, yeah.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, there's a moment here where this little kid shows up to just console Kelly and say, don't worry, we got Jesus on our side. There's never any tension. And she's like, you're right, there isn't. And they have to pray too, right? her and the little kid pray.

Are you mad because it's been like 15 minutes since you lasted a music video? Yeah, I'm a little man. A little bit, man. I wasn't in the last one, damn it. So, yeah, but then we see that there's a bomb beeping away somewhere on sub-level three, right? 21 hours.

Yes. So, you know, ticking. My days in Sunday school skits and Christmas pageants had me sweating for that little kid. Really? Remember, you know, lines was hard as shit when you thought God was watching. and you did one I'm like, oh, God.

You know I'm talking about Zach. Oh, yeah. So meanwhile, Major Dred, who at this point I had is just Captain unpleasant because I'd given up on remembering everybody's fucking names. He's sneaking around with his underling explaining his plan, which is to let the super kids go to undermine General Fear, so he'll be in charge of the bad guys when General Fear gets fired. Yeah.

So with that, so I guess God's work in his mysterious ways. God's mysterious ways are just like professional jealousy and general idiocy. I guess, yeah. I guess so. That's how the government works. And then we're like, yeah, exactly. It's not as mysterious that time when they do it. But yeah, they're not all knowing.

So then, okay, so but then CJ shows up at the super weapon. But first, we have to have major dread show up at the super kids prison. He's like, you know, I'm here to. well first Paul is like are you here to kill us and that's like the third time he's asked somebody that like like he's suicidal but he doesn't want to go to hell so he's like really kind of hoping one of these guys takes care of him he's like no I'm here to let you out like death my cop yeah but he's like you know let me explain the plan that I just explained in the previous scene again about letting you out and they ask him like 80 times you're letting us go you're letting us go

and he's like yeah you perfect maybe it's get out and sense inside the the plot. God damn it. But it doesn't make sense why he would let the fucking scientist guy go. Right. But he does. Right. I also love the super indoctrinated kids that are just like, we came here

because Jesus told us too. It's like, no, you didn't. This was like the right thing to do. You just followed this dude. Also, you got lost in the tunnels until he came across somebody and you followed them too. Like, we saw you do it. And this is when Dr.

Tomothian for the first time explains hey, I don't know why I didn't mention this. There's a secret self-destruct button that I built into the sword. So maybe we used that. And everybody's like, okay. Hey, hey,

just a quick time out. Let's everybody say the most important stuff they already know. And we'll just share it with the group. Yeah. And then everybody will know all the important stuff. Yeah. So then we cut back to CJ explaining to general fear. that somehow Commander Kelly knew that she was a spy

as though she were in touch with some all-powerful creator of the universe or some sort. Yeah. And she asked, she's like, why is she like so much more powerful than you, General Fear, which he doesn't take well to whatsoever? This brings our attention to that old Christian chestnut of like, don't deal with fortune tellers.

Magic is evil, all the shit. But you're using magic. Kelly, in essence, has used divination to learn all this stuff. Yes. But because it's Jesus divination, it's perfectly fine. If somebody, you know, like reads the entrails or the tea leaves, they just happen to be evil and a witch. But Kelly can do it because Jeebis said so.

Yeah, what the fuck? Exactly. Well, yeah, her tea leaves are science. Right. But yeah, but then she starts talking about her father and she remembers her father. And he's like, oh, you can't remember your father. That's a reveal for later in the episode here. He seems like legitimately flummoxed when she says it, though.

She's like, I remember my father and his look is like he was just told he's going to get paid and experience. So, but this is where CJ realizes she's going to have to shoot her way out, right? So we get this terrible, like leaping onto the wire and swinging her way to safety kind of a moment. Yeah, and you watch the henchman be like, fuck, okay, this is why I said the escaping rope swing right next to our evil catwalk, it was going to backfire. You wanted to play on it,

but I was like, hey, maybe somebody's going to escape, and here we go. Yep. In my head, that's just happened. In my head that played out as like her grabbing and go, dun da da da, da, oh. She just go plops on the other side. Right, well, yeah, right.

No triumph in anything. Well, so she, yeah, so she, but she does ultimately swing her way to safety. we see that the Blue Squad that the kids who have escaped prison have now taken over the computers which they will use exactly one time and never again right to aid and their escape

and whatnot. You mean the typewriter? Like an antique typewriter. Well it was 1997 computers were expensive back then. That props department needs a fucking raise my dude. Right. It might as well have made the thing

at the end of the next line. Reset the carrier by hand or whatever. So yeah, but then they're all like talking about like, oh, we need to go back and rescue Commander Kelly and then somebody else is like, oh, we need to go make sure CJs everybody.

And somebody's like, why don't we just stop the goddamn fucking super weapon that's going to destroy the earth? Jesus fucking Christ, people, just stay on task here. So, but they all split up, because apparently there are multiple things that need to be done, not just stopping

the earth-shattering device. And that's so that we can get the moment where rapper and Valerie, you forgot that there was a kid named rapper in this. Now I had to remind you. So rapper and Valerie are running away. The stormtroopers are shooting at them stormtrooperly. And they end up on this catwalk where they have to like leap off the edge or they leap off the side. And then like the stormtroopers look down and they're like,

oh, nobody could have survived that fall unless they like grab the pipe that's down there. But what are the odds that somebody grabbed the pipe that's back? Come on. It calls us into question. like these henchmen, is this a universal constant in every iteration of the multiverse that like any space foot soldier is the worst shot in the world? Right. That is official.

And they also have to have a series of catwalks that make it so much easier to possibly escape. Like, just a big room with nothing and they just shoot so easily. They would just jump and they'd be like, ah, it's still the floor. Fuck. It's just the two doors. And you shot me. Okay. I think they're all high off the spray paint fumes on their brand new spray painted face masks.

Okay. Yeah, there's a moment here where the camera gets too close to the face masks and we see that they're just silver painted hockey masks. Right. Our fucking welder's helmets, one of the two. Yeah, right, right. So then meanwhile we have CJ. She's sneaking back in through the Misty basement so she can sneak up on Commander Kelly from behind. She has a laser gun now. Yeah. I guess that she got from the bad guys. And so now we're

going to have like a big long standoff that's going to last for most of the rest of the movie between Kelly and CJ where they're going to like circle each other talking Bible shit. Right. And it's not a standoff though because, you know, it's gun versus sword eventually. Yeah. Kelly picks up a sword. Yeah. So it's like, hey, why are we? Bible. Why are we doing a standoff circle? I have a gun. I'm when this is not an impasse. I'm just winning just to be clear.

And later in the movie, they have to just admit that like, that wasn't really an impetus. Well, unless, of course, unless Commander Kelly was a Jedi this whole time and can block laser bullets with her fucking sword. Oh my God.

Which she will do not once, not twice, but thrice during this goddamn standoff. What's the point of the breastplate of her? righteousness if you're going to block it with the sword. Right, yeah, obviously you don't even need the breastplate. That's just the extra weight now. Right.

Were you guys shocked that CJ was still on fear's side? Yeah. Because the way that she ended her interaction with fear was like, I'm fucking done with you and like jumped off the catwalk. And now she's just like, Fear, I'm going to do what I need to do to show you that I'm good. Yeah, it makes no goddamn sense. Her motivation is completely alien to everyone.

To the point where like the movie even has, like she has to even say that at this point. Like, why would you be doing this? She's like, I don't, fuck it. We're all ruled by fear. You see what they did there? They see what it was very clever. It's very subtle. You may have missed it.

There's a point where Kelly looks at, Commander Kelly looks at CJ and she says, I love you, CJ. And God loves you. And I'm like, holy shit, lady, I don't want to be anywhere near you because nothing says love to Commander Kelly like brandishing a fucking sword at a child.

Yes. Okay. So the visual of her circling this kid with a sword out is amazing. And the movie just never seems to realize how fucked up that is. It's the best if it's just like, hey, this isn't an impasse. I'm stopping. Okay.

Yeah, no, no, I was that. We're wondering. We're not doing the circle. Yeah. She's like, God wants to help you. And she's like, no, laser, laser. But she blocks more of the lasers. And then, okay, so then we cut back to Professor Timothium.

And this is where we first learned that the self-destruct mechanism is fast. on to that thing that Luke Skywalker fell off of after Darth Vader cut his hand off. Dude, yes. I literally wrote in my notes. This is a screen grab from Empire Strikes Back. It absolutely is. Absolutely is. Yeah.

And you watch him be like, why did I put the safety button in this crazy Star Wars tube? So far I had to climb so much. Am I fall now? Yeah, so he's out there trying to shut the thing down. And general fear pops onto the conveniently placed TV screen that he also put there. apparently. Weird spot for the, like,

this really seems like, and you said we'd never use this kind of moment as well. And so Fear pops in to talk a little shit, and he shows him video of CJ about to shoot Kelly. Yeah. Yeah, and this is where we find out

that Professor Timotheum is CJ's dad. So she's CJ Tomothium. Yeah. And CJ is Christian Joy. So her name is, The naming convention in this movie is the most infuriating thing. Because Christian Joy, sure, that matches thematically consistent with general fear, major dread, Captain Unibrow. But Christian Joy Tomothium.

What are you doing? I did enjoy the tech moment that we got in this scene. Yeah. Where Dr. Tomothian has to like connect. to the computer to do the safety button protocol or whatever. And we watch that happen. They have some what they believe to be gadgets, I guess, in their prop room. So we watch him plug his jacket into the typewriter with a printer cap.

Like a dot matrix printer. And then fire up the abacus that's connected to it with the printing press and one giant punch card. It's so funny. I loved this little moment. So, but then apparently, so he takes over a TV screen and tells his daughter that he loves her and that Jesus loves her through sign language. And then he sacrifices himself to destroy the weapon because he also put like the self-destructs switch is just automatic, I guess.

You just press it and it explodes. He doesn't even get like a 10 minutes to self-destrope. No, no, he sure doesn't. No. Yep, you press that button and everything explodes, I guess. Yeah. They do a countdown 5,4, 3 to 1, and then he, like, just presses it at zero. And it's like, all right, well. If he already knew he was going to die, he should have just jumped off the platform and be like,

fuck you. It's exploded in midair. That would have been cool. There you go. Yeah, I might as well have fun on the way down. Right. And so it makes everything explode everywhere at NME Tower, right? Doesn't it seem like the self-destruck could just be like the device bricks itself?

It wouldn't need to be like that. Especially when. It's going to explode like a big tower in the middle of downtown. We saw this earlier. There are other buildings around it, right? It's like people died for this. Like a lot of people died.

Jet fuel doesn't burn that hot. I like how, too, that's like the same 15 people that were in the background, just running in circles to try and get them some semblance of like crazy pandemonium. And we've never seen this many people inside of the NME headquarters anyway. It's always been like four faceless,

stormtroopers and the three generals. And now there's like 15 scientists going, oh my God, just running around in circles as like random, useless pointy Spico towers fall. Yeah. Like, what is this to bring? Wait, so that we can know that the children caused more death, I guess. Yeah, you could have had just general fear looking at like a blue screen and being like

Microsoft recovery code. Fuck. Right. Where the hell did I write that down? Where would I have put that? system update. What snooze for two days? I enter BIOS.

I don't even know what that is. Oh, God. Somehow there's still 15 minutes left in this movie. Now, we're going to have to go through this last part pretty quick because we've gone a little over time here. But so we go back to a good guy HQ and the super kids get back, but the fake super kids are also there. And the robot is freaking the fuck out.

He doesn't know how to compute that shit. Then we get the very clever moment where CJ comes in. she's got her laser gun on Commander Kelly. She shoots Commander Kelly. Commander Kelly dies. And all the real superkids scamper over there to pray over her really quickly. So that's how she knows which ones are the real ones. Sort of Solomon again.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. But also if you shoot a Christian, they're fine. I don't know how, like, her immunity to laser blasts or whatever, the mythridatism of laser blasts. I don't know how that works. Exactly. You start with a light bulb and then, you know, you...

Oh, yeah. Ever more concentrated photons. Yeah, exactly. So, yeah, but then they figure out who they really were. Turns out CJ's turned to the good side now. She turns her laser guns on the fake clone kids. And I'm like, man, if she just massacred all of those kids really quick, that would be hilarious.

But Commander Kelly stops her. She's like, no, we don't shoot the bad guys. We let them run away. And now there's just completely fully convincing doubles of these kids running around. Right, that are apparently evil atheists. Yeah, like, so what are they going to do? Is there going to be a spinoff series where they do the evil atheist super kids? Oh, shit.

We should buy that property, guys. We can still make this work. In terms of like bioethics, do you round them up and kill them? Right, it's close. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, the ethical failure was when you made them. Well, this made me wonder if they did. all drop dead when the sword blew up because they have drone syndrome because this is the

laziest written thing I've ever seen. Does that mean that they're all like Paul McCartney? They've all been, they're different people, but they've had their faces surgically altered to be the super kids. Oh, interesting. Interesting. Is that what they did to Paul McCartney? Oh, this might intersect with like 60s, man. Yeah, no, I've heard. I've heard. This might intersect with the face off universe. Oh, yeah, there you go. Face off. So what's interesting here is

so the clone kids run off. They turn to CJ and they're like, oh, how did you find Jesus? And she says, you know, what happened is I pretended to believe this stuff for so long that eventually I did. Right? That's literally the message that she says.

That's the message that this whole, the whole movie is built around is that if you fake it long enough, it'll start sounding convincing even to you. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And of course, CJ gets born again here because they have to do the fucking born again. It's like the money shot of a Christian movie. Exactly. Right. Yeah. Everybody,

everybody Bukakis around her laying hands on. Sometimes one would like things are said about the church. I really wish that some people in the church could hear these things just to see the disguster in their face. And that's definitely one of the things I wish I could put it for it. Referring to this as a Bukaki money shot. Hell yeah, man. But she asks for Jesus's forgiveness and she's reborn in the fucking blood of the lamb or whatever the fuck crazy ass shit they say. And then we cut back to the wreckage of Bad Guy HQ where they're all talking shit to each other.

And he's like, oh, but don't remember, I still have another fucking bomb in their sub-basement. Damn it. So then he switches that on. And then he angrily tunes in to the Super Kids broadcast. Right. they're back on the line telling everybody that they'll never join NME and they have another goddamn musical number for us. Oh my God.

Kelly Copeland at the very beginning of this one, she's psyched. She's done a couple already and she's like, this is my big finale. And she sexes it up way too much at the beginning with her like arm motions over her face. And then she realizes what she's done. She just completely stops. And then she delivers the rest very motionlessly. Well, she's got this fucking sword that she is so sexually attracted to. There's a moment where she starts to sort of jerk off the sword a little bit.

And she's like, nope. Yeah, she finally starts moving again when she realizes she's got the sword. And that's very distracting. So she just does nothing but weird sword shit. At one point, I'm expecting her to like stick her tongue out and just slap the tip of the sword on her tongue. Like, oh, God. I'm also glad that they had the wherewithal to keep the kids back a couple of feet. Yeah, right.

Bring that fucking thing around. Yes. Every time she's swung around, I'm like, your arms, your arms! And also, the fucking lyrics of this goddamn song are genocidal. There's a part in here where she starts talking about, like, you know, the actual line is 10,000 fall at my right hand. She's swinging a sword as she sings this. It's a genocide song in a kids show.

That adds up. That adds up. Yeah, right, right, exactly. And she has a little talking part in the song where she tells us about Jesus. And then, just as you're going, but what about the bomb? A title card tells us that it is now day three of three and 755 a.m. So Commander Kelly comes in. She's rocking camo gear,

which apparently means they're all going camping because they're very excited. It's so silly. She just walks in and she's like, oh, this? Can't answer your question from nobody? Yeah, I wear camo now. I wear camo. It's cool. I got a camo off it.

She, in her contract, it said she had to have at least four costume changes. Well, no, look, it's because every. involved in this was a tax write-off, right? So she's like, and also I would be wearing a camo outfit that would be very flattering. And it's for their camp out so that she'd be impossible to see at the black and white camping universe forest where they're going to go. Well, they're going to go to Kansas for the camp. It's a black and white camo.

This is so I can get lost and y'all can find me while you're in danger. Oh, yeah. Just more ways for Kelly to not have to do jack shit the entire time. Right. Yeah, exactly. So, okay. So then the bomb counts down to zero and it explodes. And CJ's like, oh, guys, I forgot.

I forgot to mention I actually planted a bunch of bombs when I was a spy. And I'm like, oh, great fucking timing, CJ to tell us about those. Hey, drop it in the slack. Drop it in the slack. Yeah. Oh, it's slipped my mind. Sorry, guys. She was too busy getting saved.

Well, they took care of the important stuff. Ooh, do you think CJ is also for Christ? Jesus. Could be. But then, so they all start running away. And they all run directly to the goddamn Diddy Kong mind cart. Right? And we're like, oh,

finally the Diddy Kong mine cart. And somebody goes, nope, it's not working. We'll have to just run down the tunnel. Somebody on the set was like, go fuck yourself, Heathenwright. No. And somewhere, Anton Chekhov is rolling in his grave. Oh, yeah, absolutely.

So, and then they have to, we have this very long moment where they're running down this tunnel and everything's exploding behind them and there's very many sparks and there's much steam. And honestly, this whole fucking fourth act plays like they just realized they were under budget and needed to lose more money with this, right? But they finally, they get to the evacuation ship where we get an amazing moment of everybody just saying all the science words they can think of. And these assholes got to the essentially. escape craft, but they left all the little kids inside the command center. Yes. What's more fisting than that?

I forgot about the little kids. The ones that were just new recruits school. Right before this explosion, seconds, like four seconds before the explosion, they bring in all these new little kids and they're like, well, why don't you run around in the tunnels and check things out? And then there's an explosion and everybody completely fucking forgets

about them. They all get to the door of the evacuation jet and they're just like, no, no. not enough room and just throw the little kids. Well, okay. And Commander Kelly doesn't check on anybody. She just gets to her fucking vehicle. She's like, let's leave now.

So they don't go to leave. And somebody sees the little kids in a lava tube. Right. They're like, oh, fuck, guys, the little kids, the little kids. And we're like, okay, finally, Commander Kelly has her heroic moment that we've been waiting for this whole time. Right. She's going to have to jump out.

No, she sends CJ out to save the fuck. fucking kids into the lava too. And she like turns around like it's not a big deal. She's like, there we go. I'll figure it up. We did find out where their budget ran out though, right? Because at this point, they all just look out the window and they're like, yep, CJ

got them. So yeah, but there's an explosion and there's fire and there's emergency science words and they hit the fucking afterburners and they take off. And the titles come up and tell us, quote, Commander Kelly and the Super Kids will return. And they do. And Cliffanger?

The fuck, man. And then we get more of fucking Valerie. Yeah, sounds like a threat. We get more of Valerie's vocal stylings over the credits. And I watched the whole fucking credits because I was really thinking to myself. I'm like, you know what? Rapper has not really gotten his moment to shine yet.

It would be a shame to have a guy named rapper and only let him rap for two seconds. And then, oh my goddamn fuck, he has a whole rap. at the end. Oh, I was so happy. And it made me never want to listen to rap again. I was apologizing to each member of Wu-Tang as I listen.

No, I get it. Good Lord. So bad. It's the whitest rap you've ever heard in your fucking life. Yeah, he's more like a recitiva than a rapper. And also, by the way, the credits end before he's done with his rap and he just keeps right. Like, it's a rap goes on for like 45 seconds because apparently they're not familiar with the technology

of scrolling slower. So stupid. They are not. All right. Well, Kelly and the Super Kids will, in fact, return because they made at least two more of these. And hopefully we can suck her Zach and Donovan back as well. Guys, thank you so much for hanging out with us. It's been an absolute blast to have you on the show.

Oh, yeah. It's been rad. Thank you for having us. It's been amazing. All right. And, of course, if our listeners want to hear what it sounds like when you do this to secular movies, where should they go? You can check us out on Thursdays at Jesus Stoller movies. We're on all the podcatchers or whatever you call it.

And we're on Instagram at Jesus. stole if you want to check out the content. Awesome. Awesome. And of course we'll have that link down the show notes. And while that does it for our review of Commander Kelly and the Super Kids Sword, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still haven't found the methadone for this addiction. So Heath tell us what's on deck.

Set in Los Angeles, the loneliest city in the world. The film relates such a journey as it follows for characters. This is straight from their description. I think on Amazon. The film that we made such a journey as it follows for characters who have lost their faith and are struggling with the gritty challenges of a life filled with anger, sorrow, resentment, and fear.

We're going to be watching in God's time. Oh, God. It's a special form of misery when Christian movies try to do gritty. Isn't it? Just that gritty in there is like, oh, that's a red flag for me. All right. So with some grittiness to look forward,

or two, we're going to bring episode 545 to immersive close. Once again, a huge thanks to Donovan and Zach for all their help today. Be sure to check the show notes for links to Jesus stole our movies and an equally huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make this show go. If you want to cut yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com. And thereby, our only access to an ad-free version of every episode.

You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the various social media platforms. If enjoyed this show, be sure check out our sibling shows, the skating Atheatian, citation needed D&D minus and the Skepregor and Fibbaraq wherever podcast live. If you have questions, comments or synonymous suggestions, you get a godofelful movies at gm.com. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media.

Our theme song was written and performed by Rines Lightly for Jeff on Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Kirk, and was used with permission. Thanks again from giving us to check your life this week. For Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick, I'm an illusion. Just promised to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the American graffiti clothes. Six clone kids are just wandering around doing clone stuff.

I guess. Mostly pranks? Missy eventually aged out of the super kids, but turned evil and begin the NME's youth outreach 666-teens. Oh, nice. Rapper went on to give birth to machine gun killing. Oh, no. I mean vaginally, you guys.

Eventually, Commander Kelly did fuck that sword. And on a happy end. They only give on a happy end. This content is scanned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm to their hotline at 617-249-24-24-24-24. or on their website at creator accountability network.org. This podcast is a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC and was created without

the use of generative AI. Its contents may not be used for AI training. Copyright 2026. All rights reserved.