God Awful Movies - 546: In God's Time

Episode Date: March 3, 2026

This week, Heath Lambert from That's So Random joins us for something about a god and watches.Hear more from Heath Lambert here: https://podcasts.apple.com/de/podcast/thats-so-random-a-random-movie-podcast/id1534078783To see us live in San Francisco, click here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-san-francisco-california-tickets-1976632374642If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawfulCheck out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus.Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

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This is where we get one of my favorite moments of the movie where he's writing down the strain of weed she wants. He's like Skywalker OG Cush. Okay, you got it, darling. And I realized how many, because so many people use weed to treat the nausea with chemo, how many incredibly serious situations someone's had to be like big fatty boomblattie skittles. You got it. honey, daddy's gonna, daddy's gonna get you your medicine. Yes, you're fatty mumble-atty. God-awful movie.

Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because we can't fucking help it. I'm your host, no illusions. Heath is off this week, or at least one of them is, but sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend, Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir?

That's right, everyone. We made a Heath replacement. Oh, no, no, sorry, that's not this week. open this week. Well, we are excited to welcome in, not just a guest maskist, but a guest Heath. Heath Lambert is the host of That So Random, a random movie podcast,

wherein he leaves his movie watching fate to the Magic Button. Heath, welcome to God-awful movies. There can be only one. There can. That's right. As bummed as I am that don't get to meet Enright, I'm kind of glad he's gone just like to make that stupid as Highlander joke.

Exactly. Yeah. The first thing I thought of when you told me, he wouldn't be. Well, the honest truth is that you probably would have made it even if he was here. And as competitive as Heath is, there would have been a sword fight, right? Yeah, to the death, I mean, we would have hated for you to get beheaded your first time on the show. Right, exactly, exactly. That's a third visit situation.

Princess of the universe. And since it fits so well into our format, tell us Heath, what would be breaking down today? Well, we watched In God's Time. It's what happens when Christians who've never seen Pulp Fiction try to emulate what they think the interconnected character. storytelling style of a pulp fiction is like, it's pulpit fiction. Or Hackey Brown. Okay.

All right. Well done. In glory to his name bastards. Ooh. The Grateful eight. Wait, one more. Dunst upon a time in Hollywood. Well done.

Holy shit. All right. Well done. Like way to come out of the gate like trying to heath it up a bit too. Yeah. No, I appreciate you doing the subs. You're really, you're pulling the substitute card well. Yeah, exactly.

Someone's got a pun. Yeah, right? Yep. It sure's hell ain't going to be Eli. Eli, how bad was this movie? Shit, I was trying to keep a pun. Panicked. I took them all.

You took them all? No, I just wanted any pun. Heath, I wasn't even reaching for a movie-based pun. I would have taken fucking knick-knack paddywack at that point in my cognitive ability. Reservoir gods would have been okay. I spent half an hour trying to come up with something for Django and Chained and nothing I came up with seemed okay. So yeah, yeah, can I say I'm glad you left that one alone.

It indicates a taste and a gentlemanly flare we welcome here. I got off a movies. All right, yeah, so I'll just let my reservoir gods go in the background and nobody'll even hear. Ah, that's fantastic. At least something. So anyway, sorry, one more time, Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the cliched morality tales, we've come to love in Christian cinema, but you wish someone mushed, I don't know, four, five,

or 11 of them together with the connective tissue of watch you will come this movie. It's a hard one to love right here. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best and being the worst hat?

Well, it won't come up again until the American graffiti clothes. You're going to be waiting a while. But I went with Best Worst Padding Your Own IMDB page. Now, hopefully you guys did way less research into this movie than I did.

And I might just blow your minds. We'll see. Well, here's the thing is that you put that into your notes before I watched the movie. So having seen that, I was like, I am justified now in doing no fucking research whatsoever. So thank you for that. You're welcome. So I'm going to go with best worst flashback cliches. So a lot of this movie is going to be taken up by paper thin characters having flashbacks.

And in every instance, it's just like somebody asked Chap GBT, what does a flashback look like if you're a soldier, right? Every one of them is just so fucking cliche. And I'm going to go with best, worst, full circle. Right. So you know in like clever montage movies how the relationships between everybody kind of really match at the end and heighten those relationships and heighten the characterization, this movie manages the opposite of that. Whatever the opposite of that is is what this movie does.

Yes, it lowers the characters, right? Yes. And in every instance, it's just like, huh? because they knew each other the whole time and we're like, well, that doesn't mean anything. It doesn't change anything in any fucking way. All right, well, I'll tell you what, this movie's in no hurry to get anywhere. So in keeping with that theme, we're going to take a quick break. We'll be back in a minute with all the my first screenplay action that is in God's Time.

All right, everyone, welcome to the first ever writer's room meeting for In God's Time. Woo! So I'm thinking this movie is going to be about a point. bunch of people whose lives have just really gotten out of whack, you know, but then each of them is going to find Jesus in God's time. Oh, so like, it's about how important it is to keep your faith, even when everything seems hopeless. Or how healing takes place at its own speed. No, no, no. So I was just thinking they would all just hold like a, like a God watch. Sorry, the movie's going to be called in God's time

because everyone in it is going to hold a God watch. A God watch, yeah, uh-huh. That is the dumbest possible execution of the title of our movie. Oh.

So are you guys in or not? Oh, I'm here. Oh, okay, nice. Okay, Heath, whenever you're ready. What's? What's Squarespace.com. Okay, now the next one. Okay.

What's Bluetooth? What? Hey guys, what's you doing? Eli's having me help him with something. Oh, yeah? What's that? So I'm supposed to start to... It's not important.

What are you up to, Noah? What's going on? How you do? Well, I just, you know, I finished making another delicious meal from Green Chef, and I wanted to see if you guys wanted some. Oh, that would actually be... Heath? Right, sorry.

What's... What's Green Chef? I thought that's what you were doing. Green Chef cuts through the noise, delivering only real farm-sourced ingredients, and you could trust every bite with 40 customizable weekly... recipe is designed to give you peace of mind.

I don't know, Noah. I heard those meal kits are bad for the environment. Not Green Chef. Green Chef cuts food waste by 20% versus grocery shopping and offsets 100% of delivery emissions. All right, Noah, I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Head to greenchef.com slash 50 offel and use the code 50 offal to get 50% off your first month, then 20% off for two months with free shipping. That's code 50 awful at greenchef.com slash 50 awful. Thanks. So now the rules just say Heath and not Just Heath N. Right. In a couple paragraphs, yeah. Keith, what did I say?

Sorry. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up on the Bridgestone Media logo. Always a good sign here on God Offa movie. So here's the thing, though, so over the 546 episodes we've done, it's gone from this harbinger of bad quality

to this harbinger of good quality. Right? Because when we first started, I was like, okay, so this is like, oh, Bridgestone Multimedia, bottom 5% of quality of all the movies I've ever seen in my life. and now it's like, ooh, there's going to be a lighting director. Yep.

So we get them, we get another logo that genuinely needed an epilepsy warning. My iPad. My iPad was like, no, motherfuckers. What's amazing is I, like, turned those settings down. I was like, I'm going to have less seizures. Don't worry because it would go off so often during the terrible movies we watched. And it came back with a vengeance. It was like, I'm not letting you die on me.

I think a terrorist said this to you on Twitter. Yeah, it would be ironic if the movie about good, God-given seizures caused you to have a bad... Oh, yeah, right. Bad devil-given seizure, right, exactly. That is kind of nuts that they went with something that was going to trigger epilepsy for the seizures within the movie, though, yeah. So, okay, so then they steal their opening line directly from the Bible.

No creativity here whatsoever. But apparently they've punched it up a bit, gotten rid of some of the filler. Let's see. What's in the Bible? God created the heavens and the earth. And then, oh, fuck, a lot happens. Jesus eventually. Told us a pit of Jesus had a parable.

Yeah. It's like you went up to a missionary, like an unprepared missionary. And you were like, hey, I'd love to convert to your religion. you have eight seconds for the entire Bible. And he, like, ramped up way to him. He was like, why did I do the whole first line? Fuck, I, ah. Apostles.

So, and as we're hearing this, we see a watchmaker making watches, right? Mm-hmm. Now, for clarity, the metaphor of the watchmaker is, the world couldn't be so perfect without a creator. Yes. Right? It would be like walking along a path. and finding a pocket watch

and thinking that it naturally came there all by itself, which is a fucking stupid apologetic. But don't worry, it's not the apologetic this movie will make it any point. This movie is just like watches. In fact, in this movie, God fucked it up so bad

that he constantly has to jump in there and go like, oh, let me move one of these gears myself. I'm just going to move this gear on my own. Yeah. In fact, they fuck it up as soon as they bring it up. Right? They bring it up and the narrator goes, and like the watchmaker, sometimes God intervenes in the inner workings of his creation. But that's not a watchmaker. That's a watch fixer.

Also, no, he doesn't. That's your whole thing is that you have a non-interventionary God. If you had an interventionary god, when I said, I don't think God exists, you would hold out your hand, a crystal ball shaped exactly like my testicles would appear. It would split open. an angel would crawl out, tell me my innermost thoughts, and then I would be your religion. Yeah, no, like the whole interventionist guy

sure makes the problem of evil tougher. Well, it starts at the title, because the title is giving away a major inherent flaw in your religion. It's God could help whenever he feels like it. Yes. But rest assured, it'll be when he's good and goddamn ready, okay, Bernice? Right, yes, exactly. That's how he ends.

He's like, one thing we know about God's intervention, it will come in his own time. And I'm like, oh, okay, so prayer is useless. Is that your opening gambit then? You really just got to hope you hit the jackpot when it comes to God's attention span. Right. So, okay.

So now we wrap up on our watchmaker, and then we head up to a apartment building in L.A. where we see a girl smoking a cigarette with a visible bra strap. So she's basically Satan. She's beyond redemption. Right? She has unwashed dishes, and that's how we know she needs Christ. So she lights a cigarette.

She wakes up. There's a girl sleeping on our couch. Now, this girl is dressed more modestly. I can't see her underclothes in any way. So she can still be redeemed. Right. She's a troubled youth because she's in the building, but we know she's worth saving. Right.

She's not even smoking a cigarette. So this chick blows smoke in her face as she sleeps on the couch. And then she goes, as she wakes up and she goes, oh, fuck, you're pregnant. My bad. I'm like, oh, God. I wrote in my notes every smoker I've ever met just like, oh, does this bother you?

Yeah, man, you lit a small fire and you're holding it in your hands. And no offense to this actress, and I shouldn't talk about anyone's looks at all. I look like Skeletor was beat to death with a shovel. But we'll come to find out that this is Rory's like bestie, that she's crashing

on her couch. When she first walked out of the bathroom, I assumed with my entire self that this was her mother. Yeah, grandmother, man. But that's rough. That's rough. Yeah.

Yep. But she's living tough. So now, of course, almost everyone in this movie will smoke cigarettes because they want to do gritty, right? But if a Christian movie has alcohol in it or if it has drugs in it, then, then Dove starts getting nervous. But cigarettes are kind of okay in that sense, right? That's just gritty. So, okay. So she's got morning sickness because she's a pregnant woman in a movie.

so she needs in the bathroom to puke, but there's somebody already in there because this house is just no place at all for a pregnant woman. Yeah. The dude comes out and he's just like been vaping. He was in the bathroom vaping. He blows a giant vape cloud

directly into her face and he's like, they're better. It's bubble gum. You have a kid in you. Kids love bubble gum. I understand. Why are you being weird? And nothing says Christian movie

like the enormous bong that is on their table. Yeah, right? Again, we're doing... I don't think I've ever seen that in a Christian movie before. Where do you think they got the bong and what do you think they did after?

Right, because it was probably... They probably threw it in a fire and it's glass and they're like, well, fuck, this is not... Then they went to take it out and they didn't realize how hot it would be. Actually, this is one of those plastic, one of those plastic tuby ones.

So they probably threw it in a fire and we're just like, oh, God, that stinks. That's a bad smell. Oh, sorry, you're pregnant. Oh, sorry, you're pregnant. Well, there's no way they could afford a set dresser. So this is clearly just someone's real apartment. They found, like, the skeviest person they know.

And they're like, can we use your apartment for like, like 15 minutes? Just knock it around their apartment building. Hey, we're Christians and we need people of a lower status. Yes. Do you have dishes in your sink right now? I don't suppose you have any black friends, do you? No. No, okay.

We know, sorry, we used ours as a watchmaker. So, okay, so that's Rory, by the way. The pregnant girl is Rory. That's going to be character number one in our interweaving tales. Now it's time to meet character number two. This is Brandon. Brandon's waking up in his truck. And in case that's not enough for you to know,

because, you know, like, honestly, Christians might watch that and go, he's out camping. He's sleeping in her truck. I get it. I get it. His old lady gave him some shit. And he was like, I'm going to sleep in my truck. But no, he lights a cigarette so that we know that he,

too is at the bottom of his life right now. He's gritty. Yeah. And I don't know if this is just a movie trope or a Christian movie trope, but whenever someone lives in their car in a movie trope, the car is filthy. And I've known a few people who live in their cars. They were fucking neat because those cars had people living. Yeah, tends to be. Yeah. Fucking spot. And the, like, you meet someone who lives in their car. The first thing they do is show you the 11-piece rig they have so that they can sleep. I've never seen someone with old McDonald rappers in the car

they're living in. So, yeah, so now Brandon, we should point out that Brandon is a very pretty actor. Very. Yeah, he's not a very acty actor. No. Cast off the headshot, I believe the term

is in the news. Yeah, exactly. He's not quite ready for the CW player. Some of his line deliveries later are hilarious. Maybe a non-speaking role as a vampire. There you go. Yeah, exactly. No, the amazing thing about this actor is that he knows loud, right? He does know that, like, serious stuff is said loud. That's the limit of his acting ability, though. So, okay, so that's

character number two. Now it's time to meet interweaving character number three. We're at another house. This is a very wealthy house where we see an alcoholic laying on the couch as somebody cancer coughs off screen. Yeah. Cancer vomits. No, that's right. Cancer vomits, yeah. And again, his story, now that this is interesting, will be that his wife's cancer is really hard on him.

Really bumming him out. Yes. It's really lame how dying of cancer his wife is. What a drag it is for him. Right. We'd never in any way explore her story. No. She's a prop.

It is literally just there to inconvenience him and to excuse his drinking. Yep. Which is all the more fucked up since the only female character we actually spend any time with is just a vessel for an unborn baby, right?

Yeah. All right. But he's listening to her pukes. He's like, okay, 43rd vomit is the one where I check on her. So he goes to check on her. And she apologizes for all of the having cancer. Yeah.

He forgives her. He forgives her. It's at this point that I'm questioning what kind of Christian movie this is because we're five minutes in And we've had puking, we've had pissing, we've had weed, everybody is smoking. Bongs, yep. Is this the most smoking you've ever seen in a Christian movie ever?

I think it is too, because like, yeah, because the wife is right away. She's like, oh, I ran out of weed. Can you get me more weed? So yeah, I think so. I think this is definitely, this is probably the most weed references we've ever seen in a Christian movie already too. Yeah. I almost went with best, worst weed references because later in the movie, he will say the name of a strain of weed he's supposed to get for her in a very

serious voice. And it might be my favorite moment in the entire movie. So, okay, so we got something to look forward to there. And then at this point, she goes, you smell like booze. And he's like, yeah, because I'm fucking drunk because you're fucking cancer. Cancer's bumming me out. Yeah, right. Okay.

So that's character number three. That is Dr. Keith Phillips is that character's name. And by the way, listener, they don't give us anyone's name, except for the character I'm about to introduce you to until like halfway through the fucking movie. right? It is so hard to take notes on the first half of this fucking movie. You'd better have subtitles on because that scene in the bathroom, the microphone was in the toilet tank, I think. Oh, it's terrible.

Yeah, no. No, I never understood anything the wife was saying in this movie. So, okay, so then in the parade of doing even worse as or whatever, we land on an unhoused gentleman waking up face down in a park. Like you do. Yeah, right. Like, I feel like most unhoused people know not to say. face down in the dirt, but, oh, you know.

And this movie gives rise to a new theory for me, which is how much empathy you have for the unhoused is directly related to how Rip Van Winkley you portray them in your movie. And on a scale from 1 to 10, he is all the way fucking 10 Rip Van Winkle. Yeah, no, the beard they put on this guy is fucking ridiculous. I put a screenshot in here. You guys can see how the beard is just, because he's got a real. beard that he's put a fake beard over. Right?

You can see the fake beard sticking off the real beard as he sits up. It's like the kind of thing that you would slip on real quick to emphasize to your buddy that he was in the bathroom for too long or something. Yeah. He looks like the member of ZZ Top

that didn't make it. He ZZ Topps Pete Betz. Yeah, he's Y, Y Top or something. Yeah, exactly. It's like they took three or four reasonable fake beards and Scotch taped them together. Right. Yes, exactly.

Everybody showed up with a fake beard and nobody would back down and just let him use somebody else's beard and this was the compromise. Yeah. So, yeah, so he checks the trash can

for something to eat. We learned that his name is Jerry, first person in the movie with a fucking name. And he steals some other homeless guys, like sign. At this point, a third homeless guy gets on to him for that.

And this guy, he's got a much more convincing beard. I don't know why they didn't just cast him in the Jerry role. Well, this other homeless guy is known as Hollywood homeless. He plays a home with, I think he's actually homeless, but he plays a homeless guy in a ton of movies. Oh, really? He's in like Twin Peaks. And he actually played, if you've seen the People's Joker, he played the Scarecrow in that for some reason. Okay. So yeah, this guy is like known as like, he's been in 40, 50 movies as just as homeless guy. Wow. And he hasn't used the proceeds to house himself. Interesting. I don't know, man.

Okay. All right. Interesting trivia. I'm glad I let you do the research on this one. As a Christian movie podcaster, I think that gentleman has over-neached himself. Can I say? Right. But so, okay, so, but now we get Jerry, he's standing by the side of the road, begging for some money, and a guy comes by, the watchmaker from the narration comes by. And he doesn't say anything. But when Jerry comes up to the car, he hands him this watch. Right? This is the titular time here. He gives Jerry the watch and Jerry's like, I would much rather he'd have a couple of dollars.

That would be much better if you had a couple of bucks or something for me. No? Okay. And he drives off. Yeah. Hey, God. Atheist here. This is why we don't like you.

This is why, you know, you could, you have all this power. This whole movie is about how you could interview. and help people out, you could just make them out homeless instead of giving them a fucking errand to run. Right? Right. Here, go pawn this. Thanks, man. I had nothing else to do today anyway.

The way towards your salvation is kind of chory, my son. So, right, like, can't you just wave a fucking wand and I've got a goddamn house to live in? Jesus. So, okay, which, yeah, ultimately he's going to do ultimately that, but in a roundabout way. So, okay, now we've met all of our various characters that we have to interweaves. So we're going to check back in with Rory, the pregnant girl. She has to go to her doctor's appointment. She has to leave the apartment.

Her bestie is like, so are you leaving, leaving? Are you just going to your appointment and coming back? And she's like, well, I don't know. The movie works better if I'm kind of homeless from this point on. So I am going to leave here now. And we only talk that weirdo into letting us use his apartment for like 20 minutes. So we got to get the fuck out of the dog. Yeah.

We kept saying sinner out loud while he was talking. And he did have a black friend And that guy was not happy with what we asked him to do for that scene. So yeah, so, okay, she leaves. And then we go to another, like, rich person's house and I'm like, oh, don't you dare introduce more fucking characters now, right? But no, this is going to be the, like, the guy leaves and the wife is the sister of truck sleeper dude, Brandon, the not ready for CW guy, right?

So, like, husband leaves for work. Brandon shows up and he's like, hey, can I use your shower? I stink. I slept in my truck and it's filled with McDonald's rappers for some reason. Yeah. And this sister, who is the only attractive person

in the movie, maybe? I don't know. Well, I guess Brandon's fine. I was going to say. I'm a little annoyed. I'm a little annoyed that of someone who looks like that and you give her two minutes of screen time.

Right. Yeah. But she is in the movie Zong Beaver's, if you've seen that. Oh. And a bunch of other horror movies. Because there's always this question with these Laurent Christian movies of if the people in them are like real deal true believers like your Ksorbs or your Dean Keynes.

Right. Because they're just working actors who need a paycheck. Like Dr. Phillips, who's in previous episode of yours, Nefarious. Oh. He played a high school principal who's getting blackmailed for doing like BDSM with his students in American Pie Girls Rule. So he's probably not like your local church choir director. I would guess not. And he's also in real movies.

movies. He's been in two Spielberg movies. He's in Catch Me If You Can. And Lincoln, he's in Oceans 11 in the line of fire, Air Force One. Oh, wow. So the guy, you know, not huge parts, but he's a real deal actor who's probably just here. Just taking the job. Because I got nothing to do this weekend. Right.

I feel like you can be a regular actor in dabble in Christian films until the like it gets out of control. Like heroin. Yeah, yeah. You can do a little hero. You can do a little hero. You can do a little... Look, if Heath came on our show to advocate one thing today,

it's that you can do a little heroin and you'll be just fine. Correct. And that's how Christian cinema is for actors. You can do a little Christian cinema, but that's what happened to KSorms, right? He was obviously, like, on the way up from his stroke.

He was like, ah, you know what, I'll do some easy ones. What's this thing about a kid debating his teacher? It's fine. I'll act these kids under the fucking carpet. And everyone was like, you belong to us now, Kevin. and he was like, no.

Yep, yep, exactly. Or you're like a Zachary Levi who's burned every other bridge he has and so you have no other options. Yeah, exactly. Right. Well, and one of the ways that you can tell who's, like, a real Christian actor and who's just dabbling is that, like, the ones that are just dabbling generally can act, right?

Which is real awkward when they run into the other ones in the same scene. We're going to get to that in a minute here. But first we have to cut back to Dr. Keith, who actually is one of the ones that can act. That's cancer husband. And he's looking out over his palatial. backyard, but there's no joy in it. Right? He's just bummed from the

cancer. He's got his morning coffee and he's spiking it with whiskey from like a gallon jug. We see him pull out of his garage and I wrote in my notes, a lot of cucks would have removed the background noise of that garage, but not Bridgestone motherfucking films.

So he has to work. We get a quick shot of Jerry, the homeless guy. He's mumbling to himself by how useless to watch is. Nobody will take it at the pawn shops, right? Yeah, we watch him wander and mumble for long enough that I wrote in my notes. What's that 1.5 speed?

Oh, if you insist. And he's just doing all the cliche unhoused things in movies, right? He's like drinking booze from a paper bag. He's eating from a trash can. He has a turf war with another homeless guy, you know, about his street corner or whatever. And people act like this is like a fancy Rolex or something. But it's just, it's just. the time X.

Yeah. You know, it's not, he's not going to get much from it anyways. So thanks, God. Well, the other thing, too,

is that, like, the movie is too lazy to come up with a reason why the pawn shop wouldn't take it, right?

Because, like, the pawn shop can't take it because he needs to be wearing it later in the movie, right? But they, they just have him walk out grumbling,

nobody wants my watch. They probably would have given you something for it. But, and it would have just been as easy as him going, it's stolen or whatever. But, yeah.

Anyway, so then we check back in with Rory. She's at the doctors now. She's pregnancy pukey again. She turns to the nurse. She goes, when will this morning sickness end? And I wrote my notes at this point once it's not thematically necessary to establish your pregnancy anymore. And it turns out I was right. Yeah, that's true.

Yep. We'll never hear about it again. However, I was very excited because this is something that my wife went through, which is my wife was sick her entire pregnancy. Every second of her pregnancy was worse. then the last. And every doctor's visit, every hair appointment, every fucking crosswalk

where it didn't say walk yet, someone would go, oh, well, it's about to be the best part of the pregnancy. Your hair is going to be strong enough to lift steel beams and your skin's going to shine so bright. They'll use it to light film sets and rescue operations from children who fall into lakes.

And she'd just be like, I think it's just going to kick me more and I'll throw up a bunch. And she turned out to be right. And she was 100% correct. So yeah, but then the nurse is like, you dig in this pregnancy thing? She's like, not really.

And that's the end of that scene. This movie is in no hurry to get anywhere. These are all, every scene is useless in this film. So, okay, now we're back to Jerry, who's apparently on the fucking Lord of the Rings quest we've watched him walk for so goddamn long at this point. But ultimately, he sits down in the park, and he looks at this watch,

and he's really mad at it or whatever. But then it starts glowing and it starts wobbling. And he has a god seizure. He lays down and I don't know what they're going for in this graphic, but it kind of looks like he's sonic booms a little bit. I wrote my nose like, I've only ever heard about swishing a doodily do. I've never seen what it looks like. I can tell you what they're going for.

And I think it's not very cool. I did not give permission. They did not have my consent to base all of the seizures in this film. on, how would you say, my old face? What my orgasms look like? Whenever I watch Sovereign Citizen Fail videos. Okay, yeah. Okay.

Oh, that does it, man. I get it. I mean, on the upside, I don't need Pornhub anymore. Sure. On the downside, I can't shoot until a municipal judge removes his glasses and starts rubbing his temples and exasperation. Yeah. I get it.

Those are the ups and the downsides. I get it, yeah. So that's only one of the many things you have in common with normal heath. You're not abnormal Heath. You're just normally not normally. You're probably normal Heath,

all things consider. Yeah, so really, honestly. Yeah. I can be a bizarre O' Heath. It's fine. Okay, all right. That's what I was hoping for. So, okay.

So we, how is your, how is your goate game? I couldn't grow a real beard as my life dependent on it. All right. Well, we'll have to go with the Jerry method.

That's okay. We can, we can work this out. So, okay. So, but Jerry's having this little weird doodily, or whatever. And we, so we go through a wormhole to like a younger, cleaner cut him with his with his baby girl. And we get the first of my best worst, right?

So we need flashbacks of a dad and his daughter as the daughter's growing up. And yes, you've already guessed every single one of them, right? Her first steps, teaching her to ride a bike, taking her to the dance, like all of the stuff that you would think of like if you had a gun to your head and they asked you to name three flashbacks a dad would have, right? Because homeless people aren't born homeless if you can even believe that. Yeah, right. No, there was, he had a pre-homeless time.

Crazy. They have, like, a history as, like, real human beings and shit. Crazy. But, of course, his flashback also includes Jesus walking through a field. And then he comes to, he's like epiphonied or something. And then we watch this actor try to cry for like 12 solid seconds and then just sort of give up. Yeah. Okay, so there's a really adorable thing going on in my son's life right now where he's unable to wink.

But he knows that it involves eye closing. That's what this guy does when he's trying to cry. He's like, close, close eyes in an order. Open eyes. Nope, no tears that way either. Ah, damn it. All right, well, I'll tell you what, Jerry wants another crack at that scene. So we're going to take a quick break while everybody moves back to first positions.

But we're back in a minute with even more of in God's time. Excuse me, Mark. Uh, yes. Have we met? Of course we have. It's me. It's Hobo Joe. You told me to clean myself up the other day? Oh, wow, you look great. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, like most homeless people, I am a white, able-bodied straight man. So all I needed to do was shave, I don't know, brush my hair.

And now I'm just, I'm a regular guy. Wow. You know, I had heard somewhere that the unhoused were mostly. Not me. I just, I didn't want to work. I just didn't care for it. But then you were kind of rude to me when I begged you for money so that I could eat. And I was like, whoa, maybe I should just clean myself up. And so I did.

You did. Okay, good. So you're not like a veteran or mentally ill or formerly incarcerated. No, no. I just, you know, I just wasn't feeling it, you know, the whole job thing. Yeah. Okay, good. Because that is the way in which my behavior was fine. Fine. Indeed, Mark.

It was fine, indeed. Or a child. And we're back for more of this shit. And we're going to check back in with Dr. Cancer Husband. Right? That's Dr. Keith Phillips, who has taken a few pills to go with his alcoholism. One of my

favorite things on the Christian movie Bingo Card is, how many pills Christian movies think is too many pills versus how many pills Christian movies think is a suicide attempt. Right? They're aware that four is too many, but they're not sure that six

doesn't kill you. Well, the other thing too is that like, okay, so if you're addicted to pills, you don't take more pills. You take pills more often or stronger pills. But in this movie's universe, it's just like, oh, he must be really addicted. He's taking 13 at once. He's got 11 peptobismos in

his hand. That man has a problem. Yeah, it also depends on what the pills are. Thor might not be that crazy. Right. Yeah, exactly. We also learn here, okay, we're going to start to weave together now. So watch the fucking cinematic magic happen here. Yeah, exactly.

So it turns out that Dr. Phillips is Rory's uncle. And it's at his, she's at his doctor's office getting checked up on right now. But how is that possible? The movie didn't tell us they were related. and now they're related. Masterful. Right. I just, yeah, right,

it all clicks into place now. Also, I feel, and no, maybe you can counteract because you live below the Mason Dixon line and so this is a thing that people are supposed to do.

I feel like being a doctor for your own family is a bad idea, right? Well, so being a guy who is your niece's doctor, that feels weird. Yeah, that feels like it's fucking weird. But yeah, but we learned here

that she got, kicked out of her parents' house for getting pregnant because they're very churchy. And then we have what might as well be the movie's inciting incident. He points out to her that, you know, there are options when one is faced with a pregnancy that one may not have planned or wanted, to which she screams, there are no options and runs out of the fucking clinic. No. He says as she's leaving, she goes, he goes, you don't even know who the father.

is. And I'm like, wow, I feel like she could narrow it down. Come on. Also, like, a lot of questions about why she doesn't know who the father. How many people did she have unprotected? Like, we never get into that because she's so offended, she runs out of the room.

But, like, there's no follow-up to that where it's like, oh, so I participate in one, 245 participant gang bang, and all a sudden you get to judge me, Uncle Keith? Well, but the other thing is that she does, right? Like, later on in the movie, she does know who the father is.

Yes. So it's so stupid. But now, and all of this, by the way, is so that we could, she ends up leaving her wallet in the clinic. For the dumbest possible she had to not have her wallet later reason, you can imagine. Yes.

It might as well be like, but I lost my yogurt punch carbs. That's why I had to fight this werewolf. Also, hey, nurses who work in Dr. Phillips's office there, if a young lady runs out of the doctor's office, her uncle, by the way, a semi-attractive young lady, runs out of her uncle's office. Get her, Heath. Crying and sobbing.

You might want to look into that. Yep. You might want to call somebody. Or maybe follow her out, ask her what's going on, regardless of the level of attractiveness, really. Or come in and do a sassy nurse like, what did you say this time? Right, exactly, at least do that. To establish that it's not sexual, just pretty much anything.

Well, right. And of course, it's exacerbated by the fact that when she, you know, when she gets into her car, the first thing she says is, I hate men. So it's like, yeah, it's even, yeah, even more suspicious at this point. I just wrote in my notes like, I'm not crazy about him either lady. I wish I could go to one of those. If I could go to one of those gyms where there's no guys allowed in them, I would go to that gym. Oh, Orange Fitness.

You'd fit in so well in Orange Fitness. Honestly, no, you should consider just faking it. You should be the one man who is sneaking into women's restrooms. I don't think I should, Eli. Really, it's a hard hit to your credibility as an ally, but the vibes in that gym are just, I imagine everyone's cheering each other on. And then that song, that bamp, b'n, that song probably comes on like once or twice an hour and everyone does like a choreograph dance. I hope not. All right.

If you belong to Orange Fitness and that's not what happens, I demand you not tell me. I guess to Rory's credit, the only men that we know of her interacting with so far are the stooge in the bathroom who blew vapid her face. Her uncle who has the audacity to suggest that, you know, you have choices and options. Abortion is a thing that exists, yes.

And her mystery baby daddy. Yeah, her mystery baby. If you haven't figured that out yet, I don't know what to tell you, but we'll get things. I mean, it ain't Jerry, right? So, okay. So meanwhile, hey, speaking of which, so we cut back to Brandon, the guy who was sleeping in his truck and then used his sister's shower. He goes to like try to sneak out, but she catches him and she's like, hey, drink some coffee. Let's expose it at least a little bit, right?

Yeah. She establishes their relationship by going, hey, you're my strong brother, right? and I was like, boh-ha-ha-ha. Yes, yeah. Someone left that in the script. Someone was like, how do I weave

for my audience the relationship between these two? Let's see, in my first draft I have, you are my brother, our dad came into our mom. That's not quite there.

Well, like, honestly, it's also the easiest thing to establish in the universe. All you have to do is have somebody to say, like, you know, like, you know, mom was right about you. You were done, right?

That's all you have to say. There are a million ways to do it. And instead, this movie has to stare right into the camera and go, you are my brother, brother of mine. We share an ex-chromosome. Exposatory dialogue is hard. I was watched, what was it? There's a movie called The Uninvited.

It's like a horror movie. Sure. And there's two sisters in there. And I'm honest to God line of dialogue in that movie. The two sisters are sitting in the room and he goes, remember last summer when mom died? Nice. Yes. No, I fucking forgot, stupid.

That slipped my mind. Thank you for reminding me. Oh, that's spectacular. All right. So, yeah, but so they start arguing. She goes, you know, where are you staying? And he goes with some friends. And she says, your friends don't have a shower. And he's like, well, I didn't really think this through it all. Did I? Fuck. And then she's like, they start arguing. And he goes, what do you want me to say? And I wrote my nose. What do you want me to say? My lines in a life like matter?

Fuck you. I can only do loud. But with more of this masterful storytelling, we also established that he's AWOL from the military. We know that because he says, come on, sis, I'm AWOL from the military. And from his acting classes. Yes. In this movie, being AWOL from the military is like unpaid parking tickets, right?

Everyone he tells about it will be like, yeah, you really got to deal with that. Yeah. Right. I cannot emphasize how serious a crime going in. a wall from the military is and how life-ending those consequences are. You go to jail for a while upon going awall from the military. So later on in the movie, when he will tell people about it, and at the end when he will turn himself in, spoilers,

I'm so sorry for ruining this movie for you. Everyone acts like he's going to do right by them instead of go to jail for, I don't know, a decade? Well, I don't think it's that long, but yes, yeah, it's way more serious than this movie seems to real. I just, I started to Google how long do you go to jail for going AWOL and I realized how many other people

are also Googling that right now? Yeah, really, all you have to do is go how many and then it auto completes the rest of that at this point, yeah. Sorry everybody, it's one month to 18 months, never trust anything, I say. No, it's not 10 years. But you still go to jail.

You go to jail. You might. If I went to jail for 18 months, I'd complain. If it's during wartime and you like abandon your unit and someone like, you can get the death penalty, but that's like desertion where you're like, I'm not coming back. Not like I fucked off the Burning Man for the weekend. But that's what he's doing, right?

Like he keeps saying AWOL and that's what he's talking. He's just deserted. No, look, in this instance, well, so yeah, we don't want to spoil too much of the movie. But we have to establish, we have to expose it here that him and his sister sure do miss Tim. Tim, in fact, haunts Brandon's nightmares, right? So we shoehorn that in as well. She suggests that he turns himself in. He says, I'm not going to do that.

she gives him a ridiculously small amount of money given the house that she lives in, right? Yeah. Looks like a... It looked like a single 20 to me. Yes, right. Maybe there was a couple other 20s folded it. It couldn't be more than $60.

You know when a movie will try and show like a lot of money by wrapping a bunch of ones in a 20? They were like, we can't afford a bunch of ones. We don't have $28. Yeah, sorry. We don't have the... Who has singles? No, he has singles anymore.

Fucking, I wish you. You could just wrap a penny, a bunch of pennies. I could have a change. I won't jar. Scarface. So, okay. So then we cut to Rory in her car watching like a mom

and her teenage son argue in a parking lot. Hey, look, I know this isn't related to the movie directly, but like, as someone who was raised with pretty strict parents, you ever see a kid talk to their mom like that and be like, man, you fucking,

that's completely different than my life. I am just, wow. Yeah. Because I used to see it all the time. My friend, I remember one time my friend called his mom a bitch. And I was like, you're going to die. Yes. You're going to literally die from this.

I'm leaving this house and calling the police for the murder that will inevitably happen to you, fellow child. Yeah. Yeah, Rory is watching a birth control ad take place. Yes. Yes, literally. Right in front of her. Right. She's just like, the movie is basically saying.

and abortion's looking better and better. And also, like, again, the people who wrote this movie were fucking, it gets, so like these people trying to write, you know, just random mom and son arguing is insane. Right? He's like, I did all my chores. I did the dogs and I did the dusting,

but I didn't do the dishes because that's just a different D. And we're like, what is happening? It's the three D's. Yeah, I guess, yeah. The other kid has the bees. Oh, interesting. Interesting. That's why she's pregnant.

She's got to get the whole alphabet. Otherwise, nobody's ever going to clean the... Fuck, I couldn't come up with something that you might have in your home that started with a Z in time. God damn it. Zebra. That doesn't count. You can't even know.

Nobody's going to clean the fucking Babylonian temple. Come on. I would clean the Babylonian temple. If you let me buy a Babylonian... We've had this fight a lot, Ethan. I'm so sorry you have to be president for it. But if you let me buy the Babylonian temple, I would clean it every single day. Cephyr.

I don't know. Yeah, yeah, okay. That was going to be a great joke, guys. I just, I was alphabetically, like, deficient for it. Fuck, I could have to go all the way through the alphabet. All right, sorry. I couldn't even come up with something for B, so you're fine. Bedmaking.

Ah, damn. Thank you for letting me end on a victory, Heath. Bigotry. You know, other heath never lets me end on a victory like that. All right, but so her phone rings, and I can't tell if it's just this movie's shit soundtrack, But no, it's her phone ringing. It's her mom, but she doesn't take the call.

Yeah, it's important to note for the future that she has said that her mom remarried a super evangelical guy. So it's her stepdad, basically, who is the super, not her actual dad because when you know it, that might come up. Right, right. Wow, he's spoiling. He's just ruining this. It's okay. He'll never figure out who it is. Unruined film.

By the process of elimination of this movie. Yeah, right. So, okay, but her mom calls, she doesn't take the call. Then we cut over to Dr. Keith go into an AA meeting. Okay. There's something very confusing that happens in the doorway of this AA meeting, which is that there is a saxophonist in the vestibule as you enter the building. First of all, there are no words for how loud that would be.

That would be a physical assault to walk through that vestibule four inches from a man playing a saxophone. Second of all, look, I'm not going to tell street performers how and when to make their money, but I think entrance to an AA meeting is not your best best. Well, there's a couple confusing things going on there because when he first walks up, you can see it's an older black gentleman playing the saxophone. He's got a shirt on. This says, I Love L.A. And then there's a shot that they clearly reversed because the actor was coming in the wrong side of the frame or something

because the guy's I Love L.A. t-shirt is written back. backwards. And they didn't catch that when they edited. Amazing. And also, I want to just say to Dr. Keith, showing up to an AA meeting drunk with your sunglasses on, that's bold, man. Bold. Very bold. Not the first one to do it. And certainly not the first one to do it in L.A., but I'm just saying. Which, by the way, he's been court ordered to do.

He's not coming here because he got a Dewey. Right. Yeah. No. Yeah, we're going to learn that in a second. So they do this prayer. they do the serenity to accept the things I can't change the courage to change the things I can the wisdom to know the difference. They do that as a prayer? And I'm like, do people actually use that as a fucking prayer?

That would be like using live, laugh, love as your fucking prayer, right? Isn't that just a fucking, that's a sign on an old lady's kitchen. But okay, apparently it's a prayer too. So, okay, so we go through the AA meeting. We cut to like later in the AA meeting and basically now like Dr. Keith is being asked to say a few words about why he's there. And his answer is so funny, right? He's like, hey, look, sorry everybody.

I like listening to you guys talk, but my wife is dying. So, and he dot, dot, dots the so, because the answer to that so is I have a good reason to be an alcoholist. Yes, right. Yeah. I'm sorry, guys, my alcoholism is way more justified than yours. So. But yeah, then he explains that he doesn't actually want to be.

be there. He's kind of been forced into a court-ordered religion here. Yeah. So not only does he start with My Alcoholism is justified. The second is, I don't even want to be here. I wanted to go to my room. I wanted him to get the least enthusiastic round of applause when he finishes his testimony. Just like one guy. Yeah.

So then, you know, we cut to the end of the meeting where somebody says these words, quote, keep coming back. It works if you work it. That is a thing that they say at AA meetings. Yeah, if you do the thing, the thing will have been done. Look, if there is any statistical evidence backing up AAs like usefulness, they are doing an awful lot to stand in the way of releasing it. That's a weird thing for them to do.

They don't let people study it because it works too well. It would be, it would prove God and then we wouldn't have the doubt. would start doing it and then it wouldn't be anonymous because everyone would know that everyone was in it. Can I say the thing that's amazing about NA meetings, A meeting's all those, is that they've got a lot of folksy fun shit that gets worked in in between the stories of terrible tragedy. So someone will be like, and that was the first time I sex trafficked my child. And the person running the meeting will be like, God don't make no junk. And you're like, I really need the like fun little catchphrases. and the terrible depths of the human experience

to be more distant from each other. Also, I'd like someone to study if this works. Yeah, right. The group leader of this AA group is, in doing his Hitchcock cameo, is the writer and co-director of the film. Oh, is he? The co-director, Jesus Christ, you've arrogant.

Just let somebody else. Let the other guy do his goddamn job. You're not a co-director. You're just an annoying asshole of a russian. writer as all you are. So, yeah. But, and at the end here, he goes, he gets his little card signed, you know, so that he's,

he can prove that he went to AA. And the AA guy goes, hey, you know, my mom died of cancer too. So, you know, Sympadico, if you, if you ever need somebody to be like your, your sidekick in the movie, I am here. No, no. I think I'm going to solo the rest of the movie by myself. Okay. Yep, yep. So, okay. So now we're going to cut to

post-epiphany Jerry, the, the homeless guy we've met before. He is now, like, he's had his wristwatch epiphany. So he goes into a public bathroom, to get himself cleaned up. He starts off, he takes a pair of scissors like he's going to cut the beard, but then they stop. They cut away from that because they have to return that thing intact. Guys, Halloween Adventure was very clear that they would not accept any damaged returns,

even though we are currently in their bathroom where we bought all their stuff. Right, yes. And we see him doing some actual shaving, which means that underneath that big ridiculous fake beard. He was working on an actual beard that didn't give him time to grow and must have been the most unfucking comfortable thing

ever. Yeah. Well, the other thing, too, is that it was like a significant beard. Right? Like, yeah, the actor actually had a significant beard. They're like, no, we're going to need to put a ridiculous Abe Lincoln thing on top of that. It was so, because they're like, well, if he's, no, if he's been homeless for years,

his beard would be years long. years long, like Rip Van Winkle. Exactly. Exactly. That's how it would happen. It's a double insult because they were like, wear this giant silly Santa Claus beard. And then when we finally let you take it off, you have to shave your face for the first

time in a year and a half. And look like a 10-year-old that saw a ghost. After getting a bunch of spirit gum out of your whiskers, which bucks really suck too. Yeah, no, that too. So then, so he cleans up, he combs his hair and he cuts his

beard, he shaves and everything. And then he has to go shopping for a suit and tie. He had plenty of money. Don't worry about that. I wanted him to step out of a dressing room and Jesus is like, uh-uh. And then he steps out and Jesus is like, oh my God, that's it. That's the one. Too sexy for my shirt.

Yeah, exactly. It's got to be like the pretty woman montage. Fuck yeah. Goes to the homeless guy that wouldn't give him his sign earlier. He's all dressed up. He's like, big mistake. Huge. When I saw him in the clothing store, I'm like,

hey, you should pick up some bootstraps while you're in there, right? Yeah, exactly. But, like, you know, but what this movie is saying at this point is, see, that's all these unhoused people need, these guys with these severe mental illness that yell at cars as they're walking around the city.

They just need to find religion and, you know, get a haircut and a news suit. And they'll be just fine, right? That is the message of the film, right? Not to put too fine a point on it. So, okay. So now he's at, the bus station chatting up Randos.

And this is where we meet Lupe, who he just annoys for a little while while she's waiting on the bus to go home. And here's what's insane about the Lupe interaction. It never matters. It doesn't change his character. We never see her again. We just like, for some reason we needed a scene

where he inappropriately made small talk with a tired stranger. Yeah. Yeah. Well, so, but what we're trying to, trying to establish here. We have to establish the reason why he's homeless, right? Because see, he used to be a civil engineer, but then he got mad at the world. And that's it. Yeah. Well, I assume all homeless people were in like really high, successful, well-paying jobs. And then they got, like, just bored, cranky. And they were like, I would love to never have any

privacy or a place to lie down. Yeah. No, that's exactly how. it happens. Yeah. But Lupe explains to him at this point, she says, you know, whenever I get sad, I remember how awesome America is. And he's like, yeah, that's a great point. I didn't think about it like that.

And this lady playing Lupe apparently passed away between the filming of this movie and the release of this movie, because at the very end, there's an in-memorium card for her, which is sad, but probably not as sad as her family is knowing that this is the movie that's attached to.

Yeah, right. That was her last. They just got a DVD copy kind of hanging around the house. No one feels like they can throw it out. So, okay. So meanwhile, Rory is driving around that night, presumably looking for a good bridge to sleep under, I don't know,

wouldn't you know it, she runs out of gas, which this movie seems to think is one of them things that sneaks up on you. Okay. Now, Noah, as someone who has run out of gas, multiple times this year.

Sometimes you're too busy playing fishdom while you drive to check your gas. Okay, yeah. So, yeah. Maybe you're just not engaged enough by your books on tape. Maybe you're not locked in with your podcast listening. It might be that.

It might be my problem. But yeah, so, but she runs out of gas and she's like, oh, no. And she reaches into her purse, but her wallet isn't there and therefore her triple A card isn't at the ready. It's not how AAA works.

You're still a member even if you don't have the physical card with you. Yeah, I was going to say, they can just, I haven't had to use AAA in a while, but can't they just like look you up in the system? Sure can. Sure can. It's so much easier that, like, you know, you could also just, she could just not have AAA.

Could be. Call a trot truck. There's so many things you could do. She could call her friend that we met earlier, that we've already established as her bestie or whatever and say, hey, I ran out of gas and I don't have my wallet. Yeah.

Yeah. Attempt to eat herself for warmth and wander out into traffic are the worst ideas. And she does one of them. Yes, right. Well, so now she doesn't give up entirely. She calls her Uncle Keith, right, to ask about her wallet. But he's too busy being an alcoholic to answer her phone call. And that's her one call.

And she knows there's no point calling her friend slash mom. from the beginning because by this time of night like 6.37 p.m. she's passed out in the pool. Oh yeah, no probably. Yeah. Right. Right. So okay. So then we cut over

to Brandon at a dive bar. I wrote in my notes, oh my God, so little of this movie as credits. It's such a short movie. It's a tiny little hour and 25 minute movie or whatever, but it felt so long. It felt for, I felt six hours long. Yeah. So at this point,

He's sitting at the bar having a drink. He's looking at a photo of him and we learned here his dead little brother. Yeah. This dive bar, by the way, is called the Candy Cat. And I think that should be some kind of entrapment. Like when you walk through the door of a facility called the Candy Cat, they should arrest you for possession of meth.

And they would have one on. No one, no one's on their way home to their family and goes, no, you know, I think I'll stop at the Candy Cat for a lot. beverage. It's just traffickers of children. Based on that name and the drawing that they had on the side of the building of like a cat in

like a bekeme or something, this had to be a strip club, right? And they just pointed the cameras away from that section of the bar. Oh, that's interesting because, yeah, everything would scream strip club at this point. But of course, yeah, if they want that dove credit, they're not going to be able to even acknowledge

that that's where they are. Maybe that's what they're going for here. But yeah, and the bartender at this point, he goes, hey, you in the Army? Because he's got his dog tags. And he goes, I'm AWOL. And I'm like, oh, maybe you should keep that to yourself. Hey, that's a...

I have a bunch of stolen art in my truck, too. Just to be clear about the crimes I'm committing strangers. To the crimes that I'm doing. Just everyone he meets. Yeah. It's like the third thing he says, I'm A-Wall, by the way. Now, I will say to the folks of the Candy Cat, relatively minor offense.

Yep. I feel like if there's ever a safe place where you... You can say you're AWOL. It's the candidate. Probably. Yeah, no, that's fair. We learned that his little brother committed suicide. You know, that's going to never matter. Okay.

Did his brother, I'm so sorry. Did his brother join the Marines with him? I don't know. I don't think they established that. The movie doesn't make it clear. It seems to link his trauma of being in the military and the fact that his brother killed himself. But then at other times, it seems like those are just two unfortunate things that have happened to Brandon. So I think what we're supposed to eventually get from this is that the little brother joined the military

because he looked up to his big brother who was in the military and then when he was in the military, he couldn't handle it and he killed himself. I think that's where we're supposed to eventually go. We have to do a lot of that work on our own. Thank you. Thank you, Lord. I appreciate you doing that work for me because I had no, I spent this entire movie being like, Brandon, military, so hard that his little brother killed himself out of jealousy.

Fuck's happening. Yeah, because in the picture you see. he's in uniform, but the brother isn't. Right, no, you're right. So it's not like they enlisted together. And the movie never makes that clear. I'm doing a lot of the work that the writer failed to do in explaining it the way I did.

Yeah. But meanwhile, so Brandon's just sitting there drinking and looking hot, and this girl notices that he's pretty fucking hot. So she basically throws her vaj at his dick, like the ring toss at the fair. Right? She comes up, she gives him his car. She says, I'm a masseuse.

and I would rub all the fuck over you. I feel like they thought the camera was off and this is just what she said in between tanks. They were like, no, no, we'll use it in the movie. Well, there is no way that two girls who look like this are hanging out at the candy can. Right, yeah. At the candy can.

They're like at a downtown bar, living it up at a club. They're the daughters of the women hanging out. Yes, exactly. Right. So, yeah, but then there's a couple of obnoxious guys playing a game of billiards nearby, and they come over, and it turns out that the more obnoxious of the two

is the Moussa's boyfriend. Right? So she was just like, well, during the game, let me see if I can get some side dick, right over here. But that's, of course, to set up a fight. Like, an obnoxious guy's friend notices that her card is sitting next to Brandon, and now he wants to fight.

And if you thought Jerry or Brandon or anyone else in this movie were the worst actor you were going to come across in this movie. I would like to introduce you to these two gentlemen. Oh, my God. Wow. Yeah, they take it to another level. They are there to make Brandon look like he can act. So we get Earth's

most boring bar fight scene. And look, I know, I'm sure that this is like how real bar fights go. Right? Like a guy punches another guy and then he falls down and it's over or whatever. But you can spice it up a little for the viewers, can you? We've been here for like 45 minutes a movie and nothing

has fucking happened yet. Well, and he doesn't even like, you would think that like, oh, you know, you hit my friend. Now I'm going to jump. It's my turn. None of that. He's just like, we got to go. Yep. No, you got him good. Great job. Yeah, nice punch in my friend's face. Hey, really good job kicking my friend's ass, by the way. Okay, all right, we'll see you. We come in here almost every week for him to get his ass kicked and you did it the fastest this month. Actually, if you want your picture on the wall, you get a shirt that says I kicked Chad's ass. It's definitely Chad. Well done. But you have to do it under an hour and you can't throw up from the

smell of jam. So yeah, so he beats up to dude and he runs off. And then Brandon is like, well, I got to go. Sorry, bartender. And so he goes to leave. And the bartender, after he leaves, he's like, man, those guys that they fucking Chad and his buddy, they always run off the best lonely brooding CW rejects from my bar. God damn it.

So he leaves. Brandon leaves. But Chad and his buddy are outside waiting in the car to beat him up with their baseball bat. Yeah. So they hit him exactly once with the baseball bat, and then they give them tiny little light kicks. Yep, they hit him in the calves with the baseball bat. Right in the calves.

Where you can do the most damage. Where everyone's most vulnerable to baseball batism. So, yeah, and then they kick him a little bit, and then they run off, and that's their storyline. But Jerry happens by. He walks by just as this is happening, and so he like helps Brandon pick himself up out of the parking lot. And he's like, hey, not really sure what our characters have to do with each other.

Do you want to expose it to me for absolutely no reason? And he's like, yes, I would. I do. I absolutely would. He's like first Jerry offers him some water from like a half-drank bottle. And like myself, Brandon's like, man, I don't think I want to drink from your used water bottle. I appreciate the thought and everything. You sure?

I also have Lupita's Gatorade from her. if you want some of that. So he goes, is anything broken? He goes, maybe a rib. And I'm like, maybe? I broke a rib before, man. I think there's not a lot of maybe there. It's a pretty definite feeling.

Yeah. He's like, whatever is dramatic for the movie, but not makes the rest of the movie stupid. Right. That's how injured I am. So then, you know, because this writer is so masterful at introducing a new subject into the conversation, apropos of nothing, Brandon turns to Jerry.

And he goes, are you a veteran Jerry? And he goes, no. And he goes, I'm a veteran. Let me tell you about my time in Afghanistan. Actually, I said no. And so can you, a good conversationalist adapts the conversation to their audience. Now, do I bowl like a madman?

Let's see if we connect on that. Oh, you're talking about the murder of the child. Okay, well, you know. Oh, all right. Just know that if you want to be interesting, you have to show an interest. Like, I don't have my own stuff going on. I learned that in AA.

I used to have a daughter. I don't suppose you banged her once or anything. I haven't really asked about it. her at all. You ever come inside my daughter? Why does this always have to be about you? I don't understand why it can't be me. So yeah. So, but Brandon explains that he had to kill a lot of people when he was in Afghanistan, including a kid that had it gone. Hey, I know that this is just a movie trope, but like, we didn't have like a war war in Afghanistan. Whenever anyone's like, we did not have a war war. We killed guys in flip flops. And whenever anyone's like, I had to kill

a lot of people in Afghanistan. I'm like, oh, it sounds like you were a bad cop, because that's what we mostly did over there, is we were capitalism cops. Yeah, we killed a lot of folks over there, man. So, like, I'm sure it felt a lot like war to the Afghanistan people. Sure, they were doing war. I mean, we weren't having a two side war.

You know what I'm saying? Okay, yes, yes. Whenever someone's like, I had to kill a lot of people in Vietnam, I'm like, okay, yeah, no, everyone was in it to win it. When someone's like, I had to kill a lot of people in Iraq, I'm like that, you did not have to do that. A lot of people had to kill a lot of people there. So, but Jerry's like, oh, yeah, don't worry about that, though. He doesn't count if you're in war.

God loves it when you kill children in war. His Bible's all, it's thick with that shit. He tells people to do that. Yeah, I realized as Jerry was talking about that, that I had never considered that. Like, that must be a real question soldiers ask all the time. And boy, oh boy, does the internet have a lot of apologetics for you? you're allowed to kill people in war. Oh, yeah.

Absolutely. Fucking sponsored by the U.S. Army like a medal of honor game. So, yeah, but we learn here that the, he says that the army drove his brother to suicide. Again, this is where I started having to connect all of the dotted lines on my yarn and push bin's board. I don't remember exactly what he says at this point. All I wrote in my notes was yell lines now.

So that must have been something dramatic. He yells and it's a hilarious line delivery. He yells. I hate the army for driving him to do it. That's the quote. Jesus, my in Christ. So, well, Jerry's like, well, you know what? I think you need is a magic watch.

And he goes, I don't think that's what I need at all. I think probably I need some counseling, maybe some help with my PTSD or something. He's like, no, I think the watch is the plot or something. I think that's the whole movie, really. And not for nothing. I'm sorry. But if an unhoused person offers me anything of their belongings, their scant belongings that they have,

I don't care how nicely he asks or how often he asks. I'm not taking that from you. Not because I think you're disgusting or bad, but because... You probably need it more than me. I have a watch, man. I have four watches at home. I have an iPhone that has a watch on it. I don't need that, man. Go take care of yourself, please.

The other thing, too, like, if he insisted on it, I would give him money. Right? I know Brandon doesn't have a lot, but his sister gave him at least 20 bucks. You know, you're like, okay, can I at least pay you for it or something? But no, Brandon's like, I will happily take what seems to be your only possession. Yes. I'm sleeping in my truck. Do you want to sleep in my truck?

It's better than outside. Yeah, there you go. Right. All right. Well, now that we've revealed that passing this watch around is, in fact, the entirety of the plot, I think everybody needs a break. But first, let me give Act three the hard sell. Will Brandon have an epiphany and then,

hand the watch to Dr. Keith? Will Dr. Keith have an epiphany and then hand the watch to Rory? Will Rory have an epiphany and then hand the watch back to Jerry? Yep. That's all this stupid fucking movie ass. And stick her out anyway for the entirely predictable conclusion of In God's Time. Kaylee, I know you're pregnant, but you need to understand that you have options.

Doctor, I can't get an abortion. I'm a Christian. Oh, I'm not talking it about. about an abortion. Well, then what were you talking about? Time travel, Kaley. Did you tell her? Did you tell her? I was just about to. This is Nick. He's been hiding a lightning rod in the ceiling. I believe if we can get you running 12 miles per hour on this treadmill, Kaylee, we can send your body back to before you got pregnant. Oh. Now, as always, with time travel, there are paradox weasels. That's what this hammer is for. Always use the rubber end. They have electricity powers.

Boy, do they. Also, you'll need this ring of invisibility. Okay, you know what? I'm actually just, I'm going to get an abortion. I think that's way safer and I think it's actually just morally okay. I'm just going to do that. But you sure we have the ring? No, I see.

But no, thank you, doctor. Man, we are great at tricking Christians into aborting their babies. Right? I like the Hammer edition this week. It's not too much. No, it's a nice touch. And we're back for. still more of the shit and we're going to rejoin the action with

Dr. Feel Bad, popping pills in his darkened office. He calls his wife and he's like, so how was chemo? And she's like, bad. It was fucking bad. What are you talking about? How was Key? Yep, bad again. Sorry, I thought maybe that one would have been fun. And then this is

where we get one of my favorite moments of the movie where he's writing down the strain of weed she wants. He's like, Skywalker O.G. Cush. Okay, you got it, darling. And I realized how many, because many people use weed to treat the nausea with chemo, how many incredibly serious situations someone's had to be like big fatty boom-ballatty skittles.

You got it, honey. Daddy's going to get you your medicine. You're fatty bumble-a-latti. Yeah. But what's funny to me about that name is that they were like, okay, so somebody's the one time I actually was impressed by this writer, somebody had to come up with like a weed name that old Christians would recognize as a weed name. I think Skywalker OG Clush is probably pretty damn good. That's about as good as you can do.

Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah, I'm almost positive. I've heard Kevin Smith mention that one. So maybe that was his point of reference. Oh, there you go. In like a Q&A or something. All right, everyone has to watch one marijuana movie. And we'll learn a name. We'll gather together.

Do you mean the fucking movie was called Pied Apple Express? Damn it. I didn't even have to watch it. So, okay. So meanwhile, Rory, having exhausted her one phone call for help, decides to hitchhike, which is fucking nuts, right? She called her uncle once. And then she was like, nope, I can't. That's all I got. I have to now. I guess I have to wander through the center of darkened roads in Los Angeles. By unlocked vehicle behind me. Yeah. So, but luckily for her.

God drives by in the form of the watchmaker earlier. So he goes, do you have a gas can? And she goes, no, I don't have a gas can. He's like, really, you got, do you have the foresight to have AAA despite being homeless? And, and, uh, and you don't have a gas can. He's like, no. And she's like, he's like, I do have a gas can. She's like, well, then why are we wasting fucking time on this then?

It's weird that you tested me about my possession of a gas can. Were you worried about using up your gas can with something about me using my own container important to you? Right. I was keeping a bunch of old root beer in there and now I've got to pour it out. It's that bad dialogue. There was one earlier that I forgot to

mention when Rory is visiting her uncle at the doctor's office. He's like, how long has it been since you saw your OB-G-B-G-B-G-B-I-N? Oh, it says right here five weeks, never mind. Well, then what do you even fucking ask her for? Why is that in a dialogue on this movie? Why leave that in the movie, right?

Like, if that happens in real life, maybe. To be very, he says, in the script that I'm holding. It says here. Right, right, yes. And oh, we should point out, too, that the watchmaker god, we're obscuring his face

throughout the movie, like Norm's wife. We never actually see him, right? Because he's God and seeing his face would drive us to madness or something. I don't know. It's just something like that.

But he is black, which probably drove a bunch of Christians watching this to madness. Oh, that's true. Yeah, right, right. So, yeah, we learn that his name is Charlie. And this is where he goes, like, well, don't you have AAA? And she's like, no, we actually wrote out my AAA card in the most

bizarrely detailed way. It was fucking nuts if you really think about it. So then we cut to Brandon. He's asleep in his truck when the watch goes off again. Now, it's hard to like fake a seizure on screen, I'm sure. As Brandon demonstrate. Right. Like, even for a good actor, but Brandon is no, no one would accuse Brandon. Brandon's mom would not accuse Brandon of being a good. actor. No, but he really goes for it. He puts his whole C-Zussi into this flashback. He does. He goes for it. Hey, can I say when I wrote C-Zussi into our notes, the Red Squiggle Man did not come. Oh, no. And it made me a little sad that Red Squiggle Man was like, yep. C-Sysi. Got it. That's what I call when something is spelled incorrectly in your notes podcast listener, just in case, just in case you think I've

descended into psychosis or there's Loria you're missing. Yeah. Red Squiggle guy and Blue Squiggles. guy. Blue squirrel guy is a little bit more of a stickler. He killed himself when I joined the company. So, okay, so but it's now it's time for our soldier to flashback to war, right? And of course, they can't afford a war set, so it's just stock footage of the war. Yeah, and then him in an army helmet in the dark. Yes. Right, right.

What was even going on in that scene? It looked to me like three or four soldiers holding a guy down on a table, like maybe it was torturing people? Is that what we're supposed to take from that? I didn't... Yeah. It was hard to tell. Not sure. But then we see the light, like, growing from the top left of the screen.

That's Godlight right there, y'all. You can tell by the microphone feedback. And then we go further down the flashback tunnel, and we, like, we see his brother drops his popsicle with their little kids. His brother drops his popsicle and big brother gives him his partially licked popsicle. Okay, but isn't he the older brother? Yes, he's the older brother, yeah.

So he's having a bunch of flashbacks to what a great older brother? Yes. Okay, to be clear, that's not the movie trope, right? The movie trope is that you have flashbacks to how great the person who is gone is. Not like, God, I was such a great older brother. That's totally what they do, though. And also a partially leaked popsicle is, I mean, sweet of you, but that fucking gross. man, I don't want your fucking

popsicle. Also, they're eating popsicles over the sand. This was just a dumb idea. This is fucking dumb. They're kids. Why did you do that? Then we go back the other way up the flashback tunnel and we wound up with them tossing around the pigskin when they're teens. And then we see Brandon going off to war and Jesus on a hill. Yeah, Jesus is now sort of wandering. Right? Like before it was sort of the face of Jesus

in the sunlight, you could sort of say, like, oh, he's getting a look at the face of God, but now we're watching Jesus kind of lost on a hike. It doesn't have quite the same gravitas to it, this particular version. And he's popping in like it's a MCU cameo, like a fan service. Yes. So the Christians in the audience are like

a bump elbow in their buddy, like, look, look, look, oh, we did see Gambit. You know, that is right? Yeah, right. Yeah. Oh, my God. Jesus is committed to this movie as Chris Evans is to the Marvel Friends. like, yeah, I'll probably be back, but I don't know. The contract isn't signed.

But okay, so, but this is supposed to be him having this brother fucking epiphany or whatever, but like, but like by their lore, his brother's in hell, right? His brother killed himself. He, that's, you go to hell for that. Isn't that how that works in pretty much all the Christian lore? Yeah. Okay. But then, but he has his epiphany and he wakes up in his truck and he, like, he looks around

seeing God in all things. or whatever, he wanders out into the street. And then we cut to Dr. Feeobad driving the weed home. And I wrote in my notes, oh, please tell me he runs Brandon over while he's in the middle of the road having his epiphany. And then he does. It's so amazing.

He does. And then the movie's like, oh, wait, no, never mind. He's fine. So what we see, I really wish we didn't even cut to the doctor so that we could just see him going like, oh yeah the world is amazing and God is looking over us just cut to God in heaven being like oh fuck I'm gonna get in so much trouble

I gotta wait until they're lying down oh Jesus comes over hey dad did you give that guy that epiphany I did not it's only if you've never seen a movie before that you would be surprised because anytime someone is standing in the street, they're going to get hit by a car. And everything, that's true. That is how it works.

Yeah. It's never not happened. You're right. Those are the rules. So, yeah. So, but then, and then we watched Dr. Keith go like, maybe I just keep going. I just think I didn't look like very important or anything.

He spends a really long time considering a hit and run. Like, scenes of this movie are him being like, ah, people die all the time. I'm a doctor. I'm like, I'm a doctor. I help people. Think about all the people's lives. Like a minus one at this point is not that big a deal.

If I'm doing jail time. But ultimately, he's like, all right, I'll go check on the guy. I just ran over. Fine. Jesus, Jesus. Oh, he's dead. Yes. Okay, now I'll drive.

Now I'll drive. Now I'm leaving. So, yeah, he goes back to check on Brandon. Then we have to check back in on Rory and God at the gas station. She's like, you know, she knows her car. She's like, is this a 63 barracuda? And he has to correct her. He's like, it's actually a 65 barricuda.

He's fucking dumbass. So she doesn't know her car. She knows close to her car. Better than I fucking do. To be fair, I'd be like, beep, beep, four wheel. Yeah, right. Same. She's like, this car's in great condition.

And I'm like, immaculate even. Yeah. Could impregnate an 11-year-old in this. Oh. Hey, don't blame me. No, it's in their book. God made up that one. He did.

He did. You're right. Now, I do make that joke about all the cars that ever appear on our show, and you usually delete it from the podcast. But in this instance, this week we're keeping it. So, okay. So, but then she asks, they're driving back and she turns to Charlie and she says, Charlie, are you religious?

And he goes, well, you know, I don't like to think about it as a religion. And I'm like, oh, my fucking guy goes, it's a relationship. I'm like, yeah, it's a fucking relationship. Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. he has hanging from his mirrors every religious symbol known to me there's like a yin-yang there's a

star of Dave everything and she's fondling them and touching his shit and then asks are you religious like no those are like no I'm just trying to collect the whole set trophies from all my victims

have you ever seen that co-exist bumper sticker I'm going to get enough and then I'm going to glue it to the back of the car and save myself Yeah, exactly. So, but he kind of evades the question.

She goes, oh, really well, I'm a filthy atheist because my mom married a bad evangelical. And she gives him the very like, you know, if more Christians were like you, I would be Christian kind of a thing. And I'm like, that's not generally speaking how atheism works, right? Like, there's a lot of like if more Christians were like you, I wouldn't have a podcast dedicated to all the harm that your religion does. Yep. Right. Not I would then belong to your religion. Yeah, no, you'd still be wrong.

You'd just be less dangerous dicks. Yeah, exactly. Like, we occasionally mention astrology on our podcast, but we try to keep it fun. So we get another one of these ridiculous moments where she's just got to exposit a little bit now. And so she just starts dumping on Charlie. She's like, you know, I got it pregnant from a one-night stand

and then my parents kicked me out for being an abomination to God. Oh boy, I just offered you a ride. Wasn't really looking to do the whole therapy session. She goes, at this point, she goes, do you go to my parents' church? And he goes, well, if I was there, you wouldn't have seen me there. And I'm like, there's no reason that would make sense unless you're God, right? Like, are you trying to imply that, you know, I usually hide in buildings in the duct work and just look up.

I'm black in your parents' church doesn't allow. Oh, God. So I have to hide outside and soak up all the cool Baptist vives. Oh, no. And also, she says, oh, Charlie, do you have children? And he's like, well, in a way, you're all my children. Like, everybody, do you get it? Yeah, right, right.

Directly into the camera, like, yeah. And she doesn't. For the slow people in back. Yeah, he goes, he goes, well, I have many children I look after. And I'm like, oh, fuck you. Come on. No, I get it. You're Epstein files like Marsh.

Oh, no. I get it. I'm not allowed to have any more children because I had one and bad shit happened to him. Yeah, right. And then I got mad at myself and so I sacrificed me to me. But when I was a kid, I met non-binary Satan. And that was the old thing. You got to watch all that.

If you didn't, you didn't tune into that episode. You're confused as fuck right now. So, okay. I think most people. know that Satan is non-binary. I think this is a universal joke that a lot of people are going to love. Leave it in.

So then we cut to Brandon. He wakes up from his being run over. He's all bandaged up. And Dr. Fieldbett immediately starts blaming the victim, right? He jumps in and he's like, why were you standing in the middle of the road was your fucking arms up? So stupid car standing.

Can I say I do that whenever I cause an accident, but I usually make it out of, I'm in the car. when I do it and then I get out and I'm sad that it's my fault. Right, right. But I do do the first 10 seconds of like, why would you park right in your driveway? I'm just saying I get it. Well, Doc Phillips was considering the hit run and then did the right thing sort of.

Like, no, you brought him to your clinic. You didn't take him to the ER or somewhere useful. Right. You brought him to like your little strip mall doctor's office. Right. He goes, we're lucky. You have no internal bleeding because I'm not really set up to handle that whatsoever. I just had to let you die. Yeah, apparently he was more injured from the baseball bat than from getting rocked by a speeding car. Clearly, yeah. He goes, he goes, hey, what were you doing in the middle of the road? And he goes, overacting. And he goes, oh, yeah, no, I get it. And this is, by the way, a very awkward moment. Because as we've mentioned already, Dr. Keith is a real actor that actually can act. And he does a pretty good job with this.

character. And Brandon, he just isn't. He just, he's just a completely different thing than a good actor. And it's really, it never, like, hits you quite as hard as it does what he's standing across from a person who's actually acting. Yeah, you can tell that every time they finish in exchange, the guy who plays Dr. Phil wants to go, do you want to take that again? Yeah. Really, we're going to go with that, huh? I get it. No, you're new, it's just, you try. So, yeah, and this is where he has to explain to Dr. Keith, his epiphany. Brandon does. He's like, you know, I can't explain it.

It was like a doodily do, but also like a swoosh. It was like a swoosh to doodily do. I think the wristwatch had something to do with it. And he's like, yeah, man, that's very convincing. I can't explain that as a doctor. My science can't explain that, you see. Well, Doc Phillips is back at his desk. He's got some drinking to get back to.

And he says to Brandon, you can leave whenever you want. Hey, asshole. My truck's on the other side of town. Yes. Or I don't even know where the fuck I am. going to make me walk? Yes. He's like, you're homeless.

You can just sleep anywhere, right? But not here. This is my drinking office. Yeah, right. Exactly. Exactly. So he sends him out. He's like, you know, feel free to go get cleaned up.

You know, we can have another scene or together or whatever. But then just leave. Just please leave. So, okay. So meanwhile, back with Rory and God, she's still not getting it. This is where she asks the whole, you know, do you have kids? And he's like, well, I don't actually have kids. But that's where we get that.

And then she starts dumping on them on a butter. dad. She's like, you know, I never knew my real dad. And well, shucks, neither will my unborn baby. She says, and I quote, my biggest fear is the baby not knowing its dad. And I'm like, wow, I can think of such big

better fears for you. Wow, I have so many fears. You have really boring fears. Also, you should get the phone number of everyone who cream pies you if that's your greatest fear. Like, like, like Eli, if there's a be around, he goes in

side, right? And so for that to be your greatest fear, I feel like you really you did not focus up on your goals. Even assuming that now it's a greater fear, I feel like you're not doing no proactive work. If abortion isn't a greater

fear, then hey, good news, you know. But yeah, so then God tells her all about the choice between faith and fear or something. Right? She goes, I like that. And I'm like, he's it's just been Pablo so far. It's not even likable yet.

Yeah. He hasn't even said a thing that you can like yet. It's so fucking vapid. Yeah. No, it is significantly tough because the cutesy catchphrase that he is attempting to do is the two choices you have to make in life are faith and fear. And I was like, okay, a choice between faith and fear.

I mean, faith is useless, but I guess if you were going to choose something other than fear, I'm okay with you choosing something. other than fear. And he's like, no, Eli, inside my head right now, you have to choose what to fear and what to believe in. And I was like, oh, okay, so it's a parallel. Yes, you are supposed to fear. There are things you're supposed to fear, even non-existent things that you're supposed to fear, yeah. And he says fear maintains obedience more than love, which I feel like is saying the quiet part loud about your religion. Yeah. Especially with the character as God. Yeah. Imagine if someone was like, hey, why do Heath and Noah keep you around

the podcast and I said fear is a good signature for love. They'd be like, oh, okay, actually this makes a ton of sense now. Blackmail it is. Yeah. So he also says he also delivers this line which I have to imagine Christian's love. He says, we can turn our mess into a message and our test into testimony. And I'm like, oh, I see what you did there with the words there. Those are being inside the other words. Good. Well done.

That's an AA throw pillow slogan right there. It's really cute. at my AA meeting is just for the record when I do this at AA meeting. And he says try to replace fear-based thoughts with face-based thoughts, which is really ironic since Christian conservatives are afraid of fucking everything. Right.

Yes, exactly. I have faith in trans people in the bathrooms. But also what does that mean in practical terms, right? Like, you know, like, okay, well, I'm afraid of spiders. Well, try to have faith in spiders instead. What would that mean? Have faith in those.

really crazy centipedes that kill spiders. Ah, fuck. This is a terrible system I've created. Oh, not bigger spiders. That doesn't help because they figure spiders eat little spiders. I feel like if I was a religious person

and I had a two millennia old religion, I would not try to make up my own new shit. I would just maybe pitch straight down the middle on what worked on Roman emperors. Oh, yeah, right. And if they hadn't come up with anything that worked in 2000 years, well, maybe I'd just get a different religion.

Yeah. So he goes to drop her off and he goes, he says, remember every moment of every day is a gift from God. And I'm like, hey, you know what? Coming from any character other than God, that doesn't sound like a threat. Right? But in this instance... Just remember, carry your own gas can from now. So he's like, you know, here's some wisdom words or whatever.

She doesn't even get a fucking watch out of the deal. And then he drives away from the... unhoused pregnant teen, I guess. She's got gas. She's fine. She'll be all right. She'll be all right. But she has not proven up to this point that she knows how to put that gas in.

No, to be honest. Yeah. Like she's not necessarily smart enough. She has three to four gallons of gas in a red plastic can. She's fine. God has done his work here. Yeah. Okay.

So then we check back in on Brandon. He's washing his face in the bathroom before he leaves. He stares at the water. watch quite actally. This guy is so bad. We get another moment where I think his bandage switched sides or they had to reverse the shot for some reason again.

The doctor comes in to check on him and he's this time for him to give the watch and he's like, I want you to have this watch. And I had written as a joke earlier in the movie, what if he was already wearing a watch and that's what happens in this scene? The doctor goes, oh no, I'm already wearing

a much nicer watch and he's like, oh. But it's it's the plot device of our movie we don't have though there's really no movie it's why it's called in God's time and once again like so we went from

from this guy getting the watch off of of Jerry to this other now this doctor's taking a watch from a guy who lives in his fucking truck you know again you'd think he'd be like maybe I maybe I buy this watch off of you also a guy who could probably sue the shit out of him for hitting him

with his fucking truck I can think of a lot of reasons why he should maybe fork over some money it's too long and distracting but I had a whole theme in my notes about the doctor murdering him because he was afraid of going into jail. Well, he's giving him this watch. He's giving him this watch is like a thank you for hitting me with your car, I guess, present.

Yeah. Maybe this watch will work so that Dr. Phillips can recognize how long he's abandoned his dying wife at home with no weed. She asked, she's like, you know, he offered to go get weed before work. And she's like, no, no, no, you just bring some home from work. And now he waited a couple extra hours to go home. And then he hit this guy, took him back to the clinic. And now he's waiting even longer.

Jesus, this poor fucking woman. Yeah. So, but Dr. Keith takes the watch anyway. Brandon goes to leave. He calls his sister, you know, and he tells him that he's going to turn himself in to the military. And then we get, so we get Rory driving down the road. She's calling Uncle Keith some more, right, trying to get back in touch with him. and now he's back alone in his office

and he's going to take some pills again. But since he already took four and just taking five really wouldn't get the point across that he's even more depressed. Now he's taking like 36. Again, do we think that's a suicide attempt and the watch kicks in just in time?

Or are they like, no, he's really pilling it up now? I genuinely don't fucking know. This movie is written so stupidly, I can't tell you what they were going for there. But yeah, so he takes the pills and then he starts to seize up. But as he does, he grabs the watch that's just sitting on his desk. And I guess that's enough just as long as you touch it a little bit. You don't have to have it around your wrist.

So he spits out the pills and he swishes a doodily too. Yeah. Right. So now we get another series of cliche flashbacks, right? Like what are the four I was in love with her flashbacks? You got it, right? They're walking on the fucking beach under the moonlight. They're having a dinner.

They're dancing in the living room. which is entirely cliche bullshit. And they do one of my favorite pieces of romantic actor space work here, which is giving another person a beverage. I don't care how in love I am with you. If you try to give me a beverage, I am going to slap the drink as hard as I can away.

You're drowning. That's drowning, is what that is. That's waterboarding. Yes, exactly. And this flashback seems especially mean-spirited. Because it seems very focused on, hey doc, remember how hot your wife used to be before she was all bald and shit? Yeah, all cancered up. Yes, exactly.

So there's also a moment here where they're like, we're going through all the cliches alphabetically. So there's a moment where they're having a picnic in the park. They're laying on their little blanket in the park. And they have a bulldog with them. And I wrote in my notes, well, damn it, now Eli's going to refuse to hate this fucking movie. Yep. No, it is a great movie now. I don't know if you guys noticed, but this was the moment.

where it turned into a great movie. Now, I want to just point out one, just to really underscore how poorly written this movie is, at the end of all of these cliches of them falling in love, we see them walking on the beach at sunset, because that's one of the cliches. But this is where she's already got the cancer and she's got her like head wrap on and everything.

And I thought that the epiphany he was supposed to be having here, right, because that was the last of the memories, was that, hey, you know, I love Oliver. I even love the heart. times I've had with her and my alcoholism and my drug addiction is robbing me of this last remaining time that I have with her, right? The chance to make even more of these memories with her before she's gone forever. That's not what his epiphany is, right?

His epiphany is Jesus, right? That's all it is. He will explain that later. So no, the one time I thought this movie actually maybe nailed something, I would was overthinking it and the movie didn't mean to do that. I also need to know where that dog is. Because if he's... Who's taking care of that dog?

That cute ass little dog. He's left his cancer wife at home. She's not taking care. He's taking care of that dog. Great question. And he was just going to kill himself with the fucking pills and not even worry about the dog. What a dick. What a fucking dick.

So, okay. So then we cut to Rory pulling up at Uncle Keith's office, right? Can't get him on the phone. So she's just going to go there. I don't know. She has a fucking, probably doesn't have a key. But at any rate, as she's walking out, or walking in, rather, Brandon is walking out. He's now going to walk to wherever his fucking car is, I guess.

Yep. But luckily, they run into each other. And he's like, yeah, that doctor who hit me with his car was really awesome. He bandaged me up. He's, you know, he's a good guy. He just needs the right religion is all. I certainly don't feel like I have a lawsuit against him in case that's what you're wondering. Yeah, right, right.

And she's like, hey, cool, do you want to grab a coffee after this? We have to resolve that you're the father of my unborn child in a future scene. And it'll be easier if you stick around. And he goes, oh, yeah. Do you remember when I said, don't pull out, I'm on the pin? Funny story. I've got a funny story over a milkshake to tell you. Don't order the cream pie.

We got us into enough trouble. Oh, we have fun. Well, we had fun that one time. So. There's also a moment where Brandon was on the phone with Gem of his sister. She answers

instead of saying hello, he's like, it's your brother, the strong one, which implies that Tim is the weak one, which is a real shitty way to look at that. Yeah, that's... No, Keith, you slack-jawed yokel. That's how he identified himself earlier in the movie.

It's actually a perfect circle moment. It was fucked up then too. It was. Yeah, exactly. We just didn't know that there was a suicidal brother at that point, so we didn't know how fucked up it was. Now it's fucked up. Yeah, exactly. But then, okay, so then she goes in to see her uncle and she's like, yeah, you got my wallet. And he's like, hey, I am so sorry for saying that abortion exists and is a thing earlier. I don't, I didn't mean to acknowledge the existence of that medical procedure. I am so sorry. I touched a magic watch and now I think you should have

a baby. Yes, now I think you're ready. Alone in the world. Yeah. He goes, you know, your Aunt Karen is going to die so I actually get a pass for being an asshole. I don't know if you know that or not.

Did I mention that? But then he explains his epiphany. Right? He goes, but you know, then I touched this magical watch and I realized that well, she's going to heaven so it really doesn't matter that she's going to die. It's totally meaningless. Her whole life. It needs nothing. Her whole Life is meaningless, really.

This is literally a veil of tears. Hey, have you considered how your life and your baby's life doesn't matter? You could just get murdered right now. Someone could come and just hack you to death, screaming, just, oh, God, but it doesn't matter. All that matters is the attorney you do. You're not even going to remember that. Or don't spend. Yeah, a billion.

A billion. A hundred billion years. It's all a non-ending pleasure state, which will both be in as we're absorbed into God's right hand in the throne of heaven. I'm not in psychosis. There's also a scene missing here that I need because this guy, Magic Watch or not, he swallowed a bunch of pills.

So I either need a scene of him puking those pills up. No, spit him out. Oh, that's right. I was kind of hoping Jesus would appear like a Mortal Kombat fatality and just reach in and pull the pills right out of his stomach. Oh, right. Like at the end of Matrix 2 or whatever

where he gets the bullet. Yeah, right. That would have been so much better. What's the guy who likes feet, the director? Tarantino. Tarantino just runs it from off screen, stabs him in the chest with a narcos. So, yeah, but so, and then he goes,

hey, I want you to have this watch, Rory. And she goes, it's a man's watch. And he goes, no, no, no, you're the other character. Like, there's four of us in the movie and you're the other one who hasn't had it yet. She's like, but I couldn't possibly want it. He's like, but you're going to have it anyway. You're turning me trans right now against my will.

J.K. Rowling warned me about you, doctor. So, okay. So then we cut to Jerry asleep on a bus. We see Rory and Brandon having coffee. We see Keith and Karen. He finally brought her home her weed and her Chinese food. I wrote in my nose at this point, it's a little late for Chinese, right? It's like fucking 1 a.m. and she's all chemo puky. I don't know.

No, I disagree. So, okay. So then the next morning, it's sunny with clear skies over LA, least realistic part of the movie. And we see Jerry bringing flowers to Rory. It turns out that he was her missing dad the whole time. And he knows where she's staying or lives? Yeah, right.

Was that given to him in the watch communication? And also, like, did she go back home to her mom's place that kicked her out and they let her back in? when did that happen? And why did that happen? Right? There's so much we haven't resolved here. Because every character has to be connected,

because this is just crash without the shallow hamfisted portrayal of racism or a best picture Oscar. Yeah, right. It's equally good. Yes, no. Trash, well done. Well done.

So, okay. I can do puns. You see, Heath? Bravo. Trash. Thank you. So, and of course, look, look, up till this point,

we assumed that the daughter we saw him with died, right? At least I did, right? And that's what knocked him off his rocker from being a civil engineer or whatever. And that's why he's been wandering all these years. But no, he just, we're supposed to believe that he just went to work one day and went, nah, nah. I think he watched her get cream pied by that soldier guy. And he wandered out and was like, I could never return to my own.

All right. And then, of course, we get a Bible quote. I don't know if this is a Bible quote or not. It says, but seek you first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you. Probably a fucking Bible quote. But the translation of that, by the way, if you don't understand Bible speak,

is first be our religion, then worry about other shit. Right? It's pretty much what that means. So in closing, God is super nice and helpful for getting Brandon to quit running, reuniting Rory with her daddy and her baby daddy, making Doc Phillips not so depressed about his wife dying slowly and painfully, when he could have just, let me check my notes here,

not had Tim kill himself, not had Jerry become homeless, and not give Mrs. Phillips cancer in the first place. Or cure it, yes. Way to put a Band-Aid on the gushing, gangreness wound that you caused Justin Loving Savior. Thank you so much. Oh, my God, guys, that's it. We're Brandon, and God, us with his car. God is Dr. Keith. He wasn't Charlie at all.

But that's it. That's the movie. I mean, obviously, it's a Jesus quote. So it's time to end the movie there, right? Who else saw the post-credit scene? Oh, there's that, no, dude, I am proud to say I escaped this movie the second the credit started to roll. I didn't see the in-memorium. Yeah, I ejected from this movie. Yeah. Well, also the second credit starts to roll, Amazon won't let you watch them without a cheat code worthy speed test of your reflexes before it immediately launches into... Konami. You might also like...

No, Bezos, I won't like it. No, the post-credit scene is just some random lady taking a picture of a cathedral while wearing the watch. Oh, interesting. Apropos of absolutely nothing. That's it. I'm glad I didn't bother with that. Yeah.

So, okay, so Heath, if our listeners have not heard enough from you, tell us a little bit more about that so random. Yeah, that's a random, a random movie podcast. On my Spotify, Apple Podcasts, places like that. It's my movie, every episode is chosen completely random. I never know what I'm going to get until the end of the previous episode. There's sort of a sister show within that where my wife and I, it's a random TV, where my wife and I watch a random episode from a random season of a random television show

of the context of the rest of the series and then decide if we want to watch more of it or not. The answer is usually not. Okay. Interesting. All right, so of course, check the show notes for a link to hear more from that. Heath, thank you so much for hanging out with us today. It's been a blast. Oh, thank you for having me so much.

And, well, that's going to do it for our review of In God's Time. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to step on this same rake next week. So, Eli, tell us what's on deck? Well, Noah, as regular listeners to our sister show, the scathing atheist will know, we learned about professional Worcester Eric von Donachin a couple of weeks ago. Well, turns out his book has a movie. And like all great documentaries, it's on Tubeby. So we'll be watching,

Chariot of the Gods. Oh, amazing. All right. So with that to look forward to we're going to being episode 546 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Heath Lambert for all his help today. And a quick reminder to check the show notes for more links to hear from him. And an equally huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make this show go. If you want to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com.

slash Godothal and thereby earn early access to an ad-free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure check out our sibling shows at the Skidgaddea, citation needed D&D minus, and the Skeptorcat, available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestion, gaudaum, movies, at gemel.com, Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Vival drafts on Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Heathenright, Neil and Eli Postnick, I'm No Illulis. I'm NoLUUUUTIONs. I promise to work hard to earn another truck next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the American graffiti clothes. Pregnant girls' dad needed to crash with her for a while. It actually did not improve their relationship. Karen died in terrible, terrible pain and fear.

Oh. And finally, my best worst, the makers of this film would go on to release it, we release it five years later under the title The Wrist Watch. This version is three minutes shorter, because it cuts out all the religious stuff. No biblical narration at the beginning. No Jesus during the flashback seizures. And Charlie's speech to Rory in the car is recut and redubbed

to remove any faith-based talks or hints that he is God, which kind of just leaves a horror movie about a curse watch that causes seizures. You can watch that on TV. Oh, God, that's amazing. It appears that someone is trying to crush you under a sofa bed while we are podcast. And if that's the case, I want to get you the help you deserve, comrades. We can put video up if you need to blink twice, you know.

If you're being murdered. I want these faces of death tape. I'm glad, again, they did another time where it's like really useful that you already know our show. Otherwise, like, you'd be like, what the fuck was that about? Sometimes we bring new people on and I start to explain the point game and they're like, I actually don't want to do this show anymore. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2026 all rights reserved